Ep 48: Arabella Weir

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

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Those shows have been a lot of fun.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, the spiciest podcast on the market.

High on the Scoville scale.

Leave the seeds in.

They're the best bit.

Hello, James Acaster.

I gamble for second there.

I was like, oh man, he's really not even trying.

And then the Scoville level came in in the seeds, and I was like, I should never doubt this guy.

Look, it's harder and harder.

It's harder and harder to come up with intros, man.

Absolutely.

You know what?

Shout out to the person who compiled a YouTube video of every intro I've done.

Really?

Couldn't bring myself to listen back to it because I know some of them were below par.

I'll have a little listen.

I've never heard this podcast before.

You'll love it.

What a treat.

Welcome to the Off Menu podcast.

James Acaster.

Tell everyone what it's about.

We're going to invite a guest into the Dream Restaurant and we're going to ask them what their favorite ever starter main course dessert, side dish and drink are.

Yes, indeedy.

And this week's guest is...

Arabella Weir Weir.

Arabella Weir, brilliant comedian, actor, writer.

You may recognise her from the fast show.

She's one of my heroes.

She did a food show called Posh Nosh as well.

Yep.

And she's currently touring a show, which is like a stand-up autobiographical show called Does My Mum Loom Big in This?

Fantastic name.

We're big fans.

We're big fans, so we're very much looking forward to meeting Arabella.

Unfortunately,

if Arabella says a secret ingredient that we have predetermined, she will be kicked out of the restaurant, which is a shame, but rules is rules.

And James, what's the secret ingredient this week?

Seeded grapes.

Seeded grapes, specifically seeded grapes.

I hate a seeded grapes.

What is the point?

Grapes are too small to have seeds in them.

It means that a too high a percentage of that bite is a seed yeah and when it's a surprise seeded grape that's the worst when you bought a bag of grapes and you haven't seen that they're seeded because seeded is a very similar word to seedless yeah so your brain might fill in the gaps and you might think you bought seedless you crunch down on a big old grape hello there's a little tooth in there straight away why are they even in there we can do seedless grapes we all like seedless grapes no who's going out their way to buy seeded grapes it's crazy and i don't know how they get the seeds out of grapes i'd I'd imagine there's some little lad at the factory sucking them out or something.

Yeah sure.

Little boy sucking down all the seeds and he grows a big old grape plant in his belly and then it grows out of him and then it all goes out of his eye sockets and his ears and he dies and then there's a new boy come in and suck all the seeds out of the new grapes.

So hopefully Arabella doesn't say seeded grapes.

Well

fingers crossed she doesn't.

Please please please.

Very excited to meet her.

So this, without further ado, is the off-menu menu of Arabella Weir.

Welcome, Arabella Weir, to the Dream Restaurant.

I like the Dream Restaurant.

Yeah, okay.

Hello.

Welcome, Amabella Weir, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

I'm a genie.

Right.

I'm a genie and a waiter.

It's rare.

A genie and a waiter.

It's rare for a genie to appear from a lamp and then immediately have to say, I'm a genie.

Yeah, right.

Because if you did appear from a lamp, I kind of know.

Yeah.

But, you know, you were kind of distracted by Ed when I came out of the lamp, so I thought you might not have seen me come out of the lamp.

Well, Ed's the Maitre D.

Yeah.

You the waiter.

And James is the waiter.

Yeah.

Who's the sommelier?

That's my main focus.

Who's Debonito?

We all muck in as well.

We're all the general manager.

Oh, okay.

Wash the dishes.

DJ, I'm a DJ.

James is a DJ.

DJ, very good.

What music would you like on in the dream restaurant?

I don't really like eating to music, too distracting.

Okay.

Quite lightly.

I love music, but I don't really want to hear it when I'm eating.

It makes me think I'm either in a lift or in a porn movie.

Those are the only two places you ever hear music.

No, not the only place, but that's it.

Background music is always, you know, it's always supplied for those things, isn't it?

A lift and a porn film.

Yeah, my Spotify is just soundtracks to porn films.

Is it?

Yeah.

There is it.

There's lift music.

Yeah, it's not.

Yeah, there is lift music.

No, lift music is porn music.

Oh, right, okay.

That's where it retires to.

That's why I was in the first ever porn was in a lift.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know that.

Is that true?

Is that why so much sex happens in lifts?

Does it?

I'm not sure that's true either.

All the lifts I've been in.

You're not having the sex, you're just observing.

Not again.

Oh, no, please.

Do you mind?

Yeah, yeah.

Asking them what floor they want to go to.

Disgusting.

Straight off the bat.

Apologies.

Although you brought up porn.

It was me.

I'm afraid of it.

I'm sorry.

I brought up porn, but I won't be bringing it up again, I can assure you.

No problem.

Big fan of food?

Big fan of food.

Yeah.

Big fan of food.

Yeah.

Not entirely an easy relationship with food, but a big fan of food.

Ah.

Not an easy relationship with it?

No, I was brought up by Scots, and for all the Scots that are listening, I don't want to suggest that all Scots are like this, but there was, in my house, it was very much Scottish Presbyterian, punishing, puritanical relationship with food, and that enjoyment of food could only be a slippery slope to gluttony.

Right.

So hunger is greed.

Enjoyment of food is quite obviously gluttony.

So, you know, please welcome to the stage, porridge.

You know, food is fuel.

You only need fuel to eat.

You only need food to fuel the body, and that's the amount.

You're not supposed to be enjoying it.

Or, you know, so my parents made porridge with salt and water.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

And I mean, if ever there was, you know, gruel, that's it.

They were terrified, particularly as I was never skinny.

They were terrified that if I liked something, then I'd obviously eat two tons of it.

So the whole kind of, I was literally brought up with you can't eat because you're fat and you will get fatter if you enjoy it.

So you will eat the absolute basic to stay alive, and that's it.

That was just that was it.

And it was actually, I was just talking about this this morning with a friend.

It was actually when I was 12 and I went to some, I was at school with a girl who was Jewish and she had other Jewish friends.

And it was their house where not only I was invited to eat at the table with the adults, which was brand new to me, but I was expected to enjoy the food.

And if I liked it, I could have more.

That was the first time I thought, A, what's going on here?

A, I'm not supposed to be at the table.

No one wants to hear what I think.

No one wants to hear what kids think.

I mean, it sounds like I was brought up by Victorians, and in many ways, it was a sort of Victorian upbringing.

But yeah, so it was a Jewish family that the first time I sort of...

became aware that you could enjoy food and that plentiful amounts of it and that you were entitled to it.

Right.

Yeah.

So the entitlement to food, and that's something I've tried to do with my kids, but I'm not a very good cook, so I'm not sure I've done very well with that.

When you had that meal with your friends and then went back home, is that something that you tried to bring back to your life at home?

Yeah, yeah.

That's what you're doing when you're 12, isn't it?

Look, it was fight or flight with my mum.

My parents were divorced by this time, and my mum was, you know, round the bend.

That's the show I'm doing at the moment.

It's not called My Mum is Round the Bend, although that would have been another one.

It's called Does My Mum Loom Big in This.

Well done, you, Ed.

Excellent title.

Thank you.

Can you see what I've done there?

Yeah, you did it really well and i've made it really obvious what you did but the uh i think it's an excellent i think i've discussed it with about five different comedians how much we like that title good very very good um well i'm about i'm one of those comedians who discuss it with you oh so that doesn't really count because you're here so

five independent comedians yeah yeah yeah yeah um

by the time i ate at these people's houses and then went home no all i thought was i've got to be at their house all the time right okay because there was no food there was no chance that you were you're gonna say to your mum well maybe we could try this.

That implies that my mother was receptive.

Right, okay.

My mother was never in the wrong.

My mother was a bloke, really.

She was never in the wrong.

She was unbelievably entitled, incredibly grand, and didn't think that anything to do with domesticity had anything to do with her.

Right.

But we didn't have servants, so it's not like she went asked the cook, you know, which would have been fine.

There was just

nothing in the fridge because my brothers were at boarding school, and I was at home alone with my mum and my much, much younger sister who was very, very thin.

And she also found a family that kind of fed her.

So, yeah, I think my mum.

She feels like cats.

Like cats, yes.

My mum just, she didn't, she was incredibly intelligent and well-educated

and privileged and stuff, but she just didn't think that anything to do with domesticity had anything to do with her.

So I remember when I was about eight saying, I'm hungry.

And she went, good, it's good for you.

And me thinking, I can't work out, because it was before I knew about if you eat less, you'll get thinner.

Right.

So, I just remember thinking, How can this feeling be any good for me?

Yeah, but you know, there was there was a lot of

terror that, well, and also that's very Presbyterian, isn't it?

And I don't think it's uniquely Presbyterian.

The

any sort of abstinence means you're a better person.

Brings you closer to God as well.

Exactly.

I mean, neither of my parents were religious, but they'd been brought up in the Church of Scotland.

So, the whole association with all sorts of abstinence is godly, is pure, you know, not enjoying yourself, not wearing a cashmere sweater, wearing a horrible sweater, shirt of hair.

Yeah.

That's what porridge is.

It's the food equivalent of a shirt of hair.

And just the idea that if you're enjoying anything, then it's bad.

Yeah.

You should.

I mean, look, if you enjoy that doughnut, the next thing will be giving someone a blowjob and liking it, which that obviously.

Music starts up immediately.

Getting in that lift.

But you know, it's all going to be a slippery slope to indulgence.

It's not going to be hard work.

It's not going to be a shoulder to the wheel.

It's going to be just sitting around going, I think I'm great, and I might just have another bun.

You know, you're not doing any work, not sort of that.

And that's very British as well.

The idea that you must constantly be striving to do better than gamble or Acaster, you know, that you mustn't, they mustn't get ahead of you.

I mean, what about you doing okay and me doing okay?

No, that's not good enough.

Everyone's got to be sort of, you know, competing with each other all the time.

I also really like your mum's comeback when you say, I'm hungry.

She goes, good.

It's good for you.

That's an amazing comeback to anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm terrified.

Good stuff.

Excellent.

See you later.

It's good for you.

Well,

that'll sort of make you a man.

Yeah.

Versus commas, won't it?

That's the idea that you wouldn't be wet.

Yeah.

You wouldn't be wet and needy and hungry and in any way vulnerable.

Talking of wetness, still sparkling water.

Oh, I'm sparkling every time.

Yeah?

Every time.

Every time.

Every time I'm in the time.

Every time in a restaurant, and what about day-to-day?

Well, interesting that because

you may know a show that I co-wrote with John Cantor called Posh Nosh.

And we came up with a water called Starkling.

So if you didn't want Still and you didn't want sparkling, you got Starkling.

Lovely.

But in daytime, I would go walking about the street, I'll go still.

Restaurant sparkling every time.

Because it's like a party in a glass, isn't it?

it it is a party in a glass also is it a little bit of a part of you is like a rebellion against your uh your childhood against your mother against stuff you might have in the house I can't imagine sparkling water being looked upon favourably in your household well I don't think there would have been any bottled water this is the 60s and 70s there's gonna be no namby pamby nonsense like bottled water you'll just have it out the tap yeah um

No, but I, yeah, I can't, I mean, the idea of water, that was available because that was in a tap, but there wasn't anything else available.

But, yeah, we didn't obsess about drinking water.

Can you make porridge with sparkling water?

I expect you could, but it wouldn't be as nice as with cold water and salt, would it?

No, that's true.

Sporridge?

Sporridge.

Sporridge.

You don't want to be enjoying yourself, though, do you?

That's the name too much.

You've got to calm down with that.

Sparkling water with porridge makes it sound like you might be having too much of a good time.

That's a bit of a laugh.

You don't want to be doing that.

Do you ever have porridge now as an adult, or do you sort of go forget it never again?

When people, you know, it's all made like sort of comeback and it's trendy and it's in pots and you have this.

I'm thinking, are you mad?

That is revolting.

To me, it will always be like gruel.

People go, oh, I always have my porridge with my ekai berries or whatever.

I'm thinking, no, porridge is revolting.

Porridge is cement to me.

Yeah, that's what they're putting on top of it, though.

That's the trendy thing.

It's going, like, I want almond butter and blueberries and all of that.

And it's like, well, I'll just get those things.

Yeah, why don't you just get those things and cut out the porridge?

I think the porridge is what makes you.

I mean, I gather porridge is incredibly good for you.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, well, no, not for me, thanks.

Slow energy release and stuff like that.

Yeah, and all that.

I ain't having that.

I ain't having that.

It will always be salt and water to me and revolting.

I mean, you probably had enough as a child that if it is slow energy release, you're still benefiting it.

Now,

you're still reaping the rewards.

I'm still, yeah, I'm still, I haven't eaten since I was a child, actually.

And I'm just, yeah, it's just the porridge and the salt.

Yeah, haven't eaten since I was nine.

Are you a porridge fan, Ed?

You maybe are a bit of a porridge boy, and then maybe you've uh never really had it growing up.

No, okay.

I thought Ed was being a little bit quiet during that conversation.

Like, maybe he's a big porridge fan and doesn't want to

be bullied by you.

I think it's very bland and

it's warming sometimes.

It can be warming on a winter's morning, but it's the stuff you put on top of it.

That's what I like.

I'm not sure if I can do it.

As with most things.

Yeah.

What are you having for breakfast these days?

I am having, almost without fail, natural yoghurt

with frozen,

obviously defrosted,

blueberries.

and a little bit of muesli mixed in.

Almost without fail.

But on a real sort of fun day, I'll have a panau raisin.

Oh, yeah, I like a pana raisin.

Is that Saturday?

No, that's a day when someone else buys it because if I buy it, it's fattening, but if I don't buy it, it's got no calories in it.

Sure.

So if somebody says, I'm coming around, do you want a pastry?

I go, yes, bring me a paneau raisin, and then it's calorie-free if you didn't pay for it.

That is a well-known trope.

What if they bring it over and you're halfway through eating it and they ask for the money for it?

I'll just say, don't be ridiculous.

I've just made you coffee.

Right.

And you're in my house.

Who are you?

Who are you?

No, and I'll say my friends don't do that.

For goodness sake, we're past that.

Can you list the last five people who bought you a padder razor, please?

Catherine Phaler.

Yeah.

Becky Jacobs.

Paul Whitehouse.

Whitehouse got his dick in his pocket.

Got a paddra razor.

And I can't remember the two before then.

I love that White House is buying you paddle razors.

Why?

Because

I've grew up watching watching

grew up watching the fast show absolutely love it i like to think that you're all still friends buying each other pastries uh well none of us apart from paul need pastries we're all past the needing a pastry phase but we all still eat them but yeah we're all still friends that's good how many of the fast show cast have bought you a pan of razor over the years over the years probably just Paul.

Charlie Higson is a very good cook.

Right.

And he's made me many meals, but that has not included pastry I bet Simon Day's never bought you a pan of raisin you're absolutely neither John Thompson what about that eh neither of them have ever bought me a pastry no neither of them

was on the fence but I didn't know if he would have or not Simon Day absolutely no no way Simon Day actually is quite he's quite a foodie yeah he really is a foodie but he has not bought me a pastry and maybe he'll rectify this I imagine Williams would have bought you a pastry

no he's also a real foodie really really good at cooking but no never bought me nothing a pan of raisin brought me a very nice bottle of wine okay where we argued about the pronunciation now i'm going to spell it because i'd like to know what you two are right m-o-n-t-r-a-c-h-e-t and it's usually also after that hyphen

p-u-l-i-g-n-y montrache i'd say montrache as well absolutely on the money we had an absolutely fight to the death because williams was absolutely convinced it was monglache no it's not what because mon palnasse monpalnas yeah so look I mean, you know, sometimes when you're trilingual, it helps.

But Montrachet is Montrachet, but Montpalnas, which also has a T, M-O-N-T,

is Mont Palnasse.

So that was the, this was the sort of thing we used to row about on the fast show.

Yeah.

We sound so

famous week we said

this week I've been mostly drinking.

He never said that.

He never said that.

Montrachette.

Montrachet, yeah.

But it's not Montraché.

Wow.

Ah, I love fast show goss.

I know we sound so rock and roll, don't we?

What I'm here for.

Pop-doms or bread.

Say that again.

Pop-a-dums or bread.

Oh, bread.

Bread.

Papa dumbs are crisps.

I mean, you know, come on, if you want a crisp, that's what you have with your pair of teeth.

No problem.

I will not argue with that.

If you want a pop-a-dong crisp, be my guest.

Don't try and bring a pop-a-dong to the table.

Unless you're having an

Indian meal.

But no, it's bread every time.

Because then you get to eat butter.

Yeah, you do get to eat butter.

And that's how

bread's basically a vessel for butter.

Yes.

And that's what it is.

Now, I mean, who wants bread?

You want the butter, don't you?

Or the olive oil.

Yeah.

But no, it would be bread and butter every time.

Any particular type of bread?

If I was in an Italian restaurant, I'd want a nice squidgy focaccia with a nice oily, crusty top with lots of salt and the rosemary.

If I'm in a, you know, English, British, whatever you want to call it restaurant, then it would be a nice sort of brown, seedy bread with really nice salted butter.

How thick is bread and the butter?

Oh, thick.

Yeah.

I mean, I might even, just to show my mother, make the butter thicker than the bread.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you liking that, mum?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

We stick it to her.

Because, yeah, because

eating for me is still revenge.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, why not?

What fun is anything in life if it's not revenge?

Yeah, if you're not giving it two fingers to someone, then why on earth are you doing it?

Because everything's got to be about anger.

Redirecting your anger.

Is there a particular type of butter that you always go to that you buy stocks?

Présidon?

Yeah, you don't mind the présidon, the

French posh butter, but any posh butter that's super salty.

Yeah.

The chunks of salt are the best when there's like proper chunks.

Heart attack in a plate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a chunker.

You're like a chunker.

You're like a nice big salty.

We get a salt on it.

A salty chunk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where you think, oh, it's not too salty.

Bam.

Bam.

Hello.

It was hiding.

It was hiding in it.

There it is.

Boom.

I've got the salt.

Yes, that could be something else, but

it could be.

What?

It also happens like that when you're doing something else, but we're not talking about that.

It might happen after a doughnut if you're not careful.

Oh, yeah.

I will be careful in the future.

I like donuts.

Your starter.

My starter would

probably be

a salad of on dives or endives.

Was that an argument you had at the first show?

No, we didn't do that.

Williams lost that argument.

Chicory over Endiv's.

It would be chicory, Rockfour, Walnuts

with a nice sort of dressing.

Oh, yeah.

This doesn't seem like you're getting revenge on anyone, Amabella.

Rockfour's got huge amounts of calories.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, Rockfour.

Walnuts.

Yeah, yeah.

How are you feeling now, ma?

Oh, yeah.

You like that?

I'm going to have the cheese.

And I'll have a cheese after the pudding.

Watch me.

After the pudding, yeah.

After the pudding.

After the pudding, because I know what I'm doing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll be fine with it after the pudding.

I can handle that.

But

I would always go something, anything with lobster in it as well.

So I could go a lobster mousse or a lobster beesque.

Right, yeah, big lobster fan.

I like a fish.

I like a crustacean.

When did you get into because I think lobster, that's not a.

Endangered species, no?

No, that's not an endangered species.

A good rock for

those.

I mean, you cannot beat any form of stinky cheese.

A cheese cheese that makes you slightly cry and that makes your tongue, that is like, ooh.

Have you ever had a hot baby mince pie with a bit of really old Stilton inside it?

No.

Oh my God, that is literally, it's unbelievable.

It's unbelievable.

You've got to get a Stilton that's nearly on the turn.

You know when a Stilton starts to weep?

Well, Stilton's all on the turn all the time, right?

But yes, I know, but that's the whole point of baby cheese, isn't it?

But Stilton starts to weep.

Yes, right.

While my Stilton gently weeps.

Yes.

You could open with that.

So you get a tiny baby, really high-quality mince pie, take the top off, get it either in the microwave or your agar, depending on who you are, and then put a little bit of Stilton in it so that it slightly melts.

Oh.

I mean, literally, that is literally better than sex.

Yeah.

I mean, it's so unbelievable.

Do you put on music when you eat that?

No, I don't.

I told you, I can't eat and do music at the same time.

No, no, no.

Well, I mean, it seems a shame that this isn't your starter.

This baby mince paragraph.

I don't want a pastry starter.

It's better than sex, though.

It's not on your menu.

Yeah, but I'm old, so sex isn't that interesting to me anymore.

It's not like, you know, oh, fantastic sex or a mince pie.

No, let's just go for the mince pie.

A lot of figs are above sex now, right?

Yeah, and the older you get, the basic you get to pay for it.

You can't,

they sort of swap places.

You know, sexual everything when you're your ages, and then you sort of think, and I think about it all the time.

Oh, yeah, I do another podcast all about people's favourite sex menu.

Yeah, do you?

No, no, that would be a good one, though.

It'd be interesting to see if you can get anybody on it.

Yeah, Boff menu.

What are these ones called?

Like on your sex menu?

Boff?

Boff.

Boff.

Oh, Boff.

Yeah.

You've got a podcast right there.

Just be interesting to see who you get on it.

You're touching it.

Yeah.

That's good.

Yeah.

Boff men.

Boff men.

Quite boutique, that podcast, wouldn't it?

But you might get a lot of listeners.

Yeah, that's good.

So food has overtaken sex for you.

Yeah, I mean,

that sounds like I used to have as much sex as I did eat, and that probably is true, yeah.

I probably used to have more sex than I ate.

That's cool.

And then you sort of swap a bit because A, you're not that interested as much, and also your opportunities diminish the older you get.

Sure.

Or like it or not.

And whereas you can

eat where you like.

I mean, you can go to a restaurant and eat what you like, can't you?

If you can afford it.

Whereas you can't go to a boy restaurant in my case and eat what you like necessarily.

No.

Especially if they have free will.

If they have free will.

I'm all in place as boy restaurants though.

Well, I mean, you know, the idea being going, I've arrived in the boy restaurant.

Well, that's the sort of, you know, if there's a sort of smogger's broad of boys, which is, you know, I'll have one of that, a little bit of that,

not too much of that, please.

Just a suggestion of that,

a taste of that.

I've only thought of this now, but that is basically what happens.

Whereas you have more opportunities the older and richer you get.

Yeah.

In many ways, but fewer choices in

the love.

Well, let's not talk about love.

In the sex department.

Yeah, you're not in love with all these boys at the boy restaurant.

No, in fact, you mustn't be in love with them.

No, you can't be in love with them.

You mustn't be in love with them.

It's a pick and mix.

And you don't want to invest too much.

Sure.

It's a, you know, it's a grab bag.

Now, before we started this, you said you were still very torn about your main.

This has it has been the toughest course for you.

Is that fair to say?

Oh, yeah, definitely the toughest course because um

I like a lot of food but I don't think I like a wide variety of you know countries cuisines but I would say not much comes close to a pork belly with celeriac mash

and you know a really really well done pork belly yeah but yeah

otherwise it would be lamb tagine so those are the ones you've been taught

but I mean you know if you've got a gun to my head it's all over yes Never going to have sex again.

It's the pork belly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's where I'm going.

I'm going pork belly.

If someone does have a gun to your head.

That's not part of the podcast, by the way.

Yeah.

Which isn't part of the podcast.

We don't ever do put guns to people's heads.

Oh, it's a shame.

But

do you want them to specify if you're going to have sex again?

Is that part of it?

I obviously have free will slash choice.

But I...

Do I want someone to specify?

No, I don't care.

No, you don't care.

In your head, it's like never having sex sex again.

So now I've got to have the pork belly.

Yeah, I'm going to just have it with the pork belly.

Yeah.

And yeah.

Is pork belly something that because I remember when it came in?

Yeah, I know, because it used to be like a, you know.

Yeah.

I don't know what it was, but it was not.

It is quite a new thing, isn't it?

Pigs didn't have bellies until that point.

Never thought.

No, but I think it became like a lot of food.

It became, and I can remember the restaurant that brought it back, slightly sort of school dinnery things, things that weren't regarded as fine dining, and then they came back and suddenly you were getting shepherd's pie and really posh, expensive places.

You go, that's just my school dinner.

It's 27 quid

and often no better than your school dinner.

But yeah, pork bellies, all those because I think everyone was terrified that pork was fattening and would kill you and everything, and then they suddenly realised it wasn't too bad.

But I dare say, a pork belly is not something you should have if you've got a heart condition every day of your life.

No, but that's a kind of classic thing of kind of people going, oh, whoa, this is quite bad for us.

Oh, it's actually not bad for us.

Great, let's eat the belly then.

Let's get the fattiest bit, fattiest thing.

That means we can have more of it.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah, you know, heroin's bad for you.

Yeah, well, why not just have heroin from the street then instead of an object with a dirty needle if I'm allowed everything?

Yeah, yeah, have it all.

Yes, the pork belly is probably not great for you.

It's such a treat, though, isn't it?

Oh man, with some applesauce that's really well made.

Oh my god.

But it lends itself to so many different types of cuisine as well.

So you can have like amazing, like British-style pork belly with crackling.

I like the crackling.

And then like Chinese pork belly is completely different as well.

No double Chinese portal.

No Chinese pork belly.

No dole.

That's a Portuguese woman answering that.

Just to be very clear here, I am not doing a racial accent.

No, I was singing.

That's not what they think.

Yeah, but it's not the Chinese.

Yeah, yeah.

I was trying to sing Vossibop the other day, and my kids went, You cannot do his accent.

And I went, I absolutely can do Stormsey's accent.

And they went, No, but it's racially offensive.

I'm just going, no, it's just amusing.

And then you're carried on.

Yeah, but

that's one of the ways I embarrass my children.

Yeah.

Don't worry, we're going to broadcast it now.

Yeah, but I didn't actually sing it.

No, you didn't.

My brothers don't dare, but they just vossybo.

There we go.

Absolutely got you.

Straight after the sentence, I didn't sing it.

We've not

done it anyway.

You're doing a little dance now?

Because in my show, there's a whole sequence about

how kind of incredibly dysfunctionally I was brought up.

And then about, I sort of make a joke about what a perfect mother I am.

And then I say, but if I want to embarrass my kids, this is what I do.

And then I do a whole dance.

I do the dance and I sing

Kiki In My Feelings by Drake.

Yeah, great.

Kiki, do you love me?

And I do the whole dance.

I do the actual dance from the video.

Great.

And my daughter said, everybody in the audience will hate you.

And I went, no, you hate me for doing that, but they won't.

And my son went, thing is, you're quite good at it.

Boom.

Yeah.

Wow.

I am quite good at dancing.

My big dream is to now finally meet Drake and get me to be in the video.

That's not, I mean, I mean, that's not impossible.

Someone was telling me they saw Drake at the O2, and he had a big, like, inflatable globe on stage that would get bigger and bigger, and it ended up being so big it pushed him off the stage.

It never.

Yeah.

I don't believe Drake was pushed off the stage.

That's what it said.

It gets bigger and bigger.

Drake couldn't fit on the stage anymore.

I don't think that's true.

I thought we've heard about it.

If Drake had fallen off the stage,

you know, that, yeah.

Anyway.

Maybe that's what happened.

There's no room for him.

So pork belly with celeriac mash and applesauce.

Yep.

Delicious.

Super crispy, crackling on the top.

Super crispy.

Like, break your teeth crispy.

That's what I like.

Yeah.

You want to, like, if you're, you know, it's like anything.

If you're going over the edge, you want everything to be the most it could possibly be.

So I sound like a Roman Emperor, don't I?

So, like, you want it to be so oily and salty and so sort of fried, yeah.

Like, you practically want it to break your teeth.

All the fat just spurts into your mouth.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, that's that's.

No, I'm not so keen on the fat spurting into my mouth.

Well, there's it.

It is that's yeah, but you want, no, you want the kind of, you know, like to sort of suck it.

Yeah, I don't like the hot fat.

Who likes hot fat?

To suddenly

scorch it the inside of my mouth.

Yeah, yeah, that's not too lovely, is it?

Yeah, but you do want to be able to taste that.

I mean, what is lovely about cooking is, I mean, not cooking, is eating, is oil and salt, isn't it?

Yeah, that's the sort of

and then sugar.

Yeah.

But that's pretty much it.

It's the best.

Yeah.

Do you like...

How do you feel when you get the crackling sometimes and there's a little bit of hair, hair coming out of it?

I'm not that bothered by it.

I mean, because it is from a pig.

Yeah.

But, I mean, I'm not going, oh, can you bring it with extra hair?

But, I mean, I don't like hair anyway.

I'm not a hair person.

I don't really like hairy things.

Go on.

So I just don't

like hair.

I mean, I don't mean the whole kind of porn thing, you know, of everyone's got to be waxed into oblivion, but I just, I don't, I mean, I'm not loving

the

single hair or even 10 hairs on a pork break.

But it doesn't bother you.

I don't think I'd eat that.

How many hairs before you stop?

Don't eat it.

There's one hair on there.

Imagine that.

There's one hair.

I would pluck that hair.

I'd take that hair off before I ate it.

If there's more than that, I'm going really sorry to be an ass, but could you bring me a bit of pork belly with it?

So literally, there's two hairs.

There's two hairs.

There's two hairs at a bus stop.

One says, yeah.

I just, I mean, obviously, if they're like tiny, but you know, if they're kind of hair hair.

Yeah, yeah.

I pulled a hair out of my mouth this morning from my, that was definitely in my muesli and definitely not mine.

So, I did have to think about it.

So, I thought, so that's definitely from the factory.

Yeah.

From somebody who was not wearing their hair net particularly well.

And I thought, right, what do I do now?

And I thought, ah, fuck it.

You know, just, I mean, it was a long hair.

Yeah, long hair.

How long did it take to pull out your mouth?

I mean, you know, three and a half hours.

No, it was wound around my stomach.

No, I just sort of thought, I mean, you know, but I'm not particularly squeamish.

Yeah.

What are you going to?

I mean, I have eaten my son's poo by accident.

So

what?

He was very very little and he couldn't speak but he was a toddler and he was wearing a nappy and I had a whole bunch of mates around and they all had kids the same age and I gave the kids.

Can I say at this point in the story I can't see

how this ends up with you eating shit.

I'm about to tell you.

So I give them a little bit of

the setup.

I give them a plate of ginger biscuits and my little boy, as I say, can't speak, but he can walk.

He comes running towards me with, you probably, I don't know if either of you have had children, but they've got those adorable adorable little squishy hands that are like uncooked dough.

And the biscuit is mashed into his hand.

He's going, ah,

and I'm, you know, trying to be a perfect mother because every minute of every day I'm trying not to be my mother.

So I don't say anything.

I go, oh, darling, it's all right, mummy, I'll get rid of the biscuit for you.

And I look around, no wipes, and so I put it in my mouth.

And it's not his biscuit, it's his shit.

Because he's been sitting in his pooy nappy for so long, he can't tell me it needs changing.

So he's dug the poo out the back and he's brought it to show me.

Show and tell.

And now that is seeing into his memory now, the time he pulled his own shit out of his mouth.

It's not his memory, he's got no problem.

It went into my mouth, not his.

Yeah, but now he's just sitting, he's gone.

I need to show my mum the

my nappy needs changing, and she ate the shit.

I didn't go, I will eat it instead of change your nappy.

I thought it was his biscuit.

That's why I told you it was ginger biscuits.

But yes, no, I do.

Because now

straight in the mouth.

And then what did it taste like?

Guess what it tastes like?

Shit.

Were you.

How did you?

How did I react?

I went

and you know, tried to sort of claw it out of my mouth.

Yeah.

But, you know.

But also, you two are too young.

And I'm like, I don't know about your lives, but as you get older, you know,

as you get older, you, you know, I've had very close friends die, and I didn't eat their shit, but you end up, you know, dealing with a lot of shit and vomit and stuff, and you just sort of have to get on with it.

It's just life.

And it was my little boy.

I mean, what was going to be in it wasn't going to be sort of, you know, street.

You knew everything you'd put into him.

So I knew everything that grew into his mouth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

So I mean, the provenance of the sentence.

I mean, I wasn't going, oh, I'm, I mean, I wasn't a hippie.

I never ate his placenta or anything.

I just sort of thought, I mean, it was absolutely disgusting, but I did sort of think, I'll get over this.

I've eaten it.

I think in the moment, I would think I'm never going to get over this.

It wasn't a super experience, but it has provided quite a bit of comedy.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you must have been quite grateful about that.

And also

when I'm making it it clear to my son that I have literally done everything for him, I, you know, I've been a single parent for 11 years, and I've literally done everything for him.

I do sometimes say, I ate your shit.

Hate your shit!

I wouldn't be ordering that again, that's for sure.

Yeah, so you don't want that on the menu.

This is not your side dish.

This is not my side dish.

I absolutely love creamed spinach.

Again, I sometimes feel a bit guilty eating it because you think who needs the cream on top of everything.

The spinach needs the cream.

So I'd, yeah, I know it does.

So I'd probably have the spinach, cream spinach, and broccoli with toasted almonds.

Yeah.

Long stem broccoli.

Yeah.

Love that.

Long stem broccoli, yeah, because I'm posh.

So let's have the expenses.

You'll have the long stem.

Yeah, let's have the expensive stem.

And we always ask this question: if someone asks for long stem broccoli, how long do you want your stems?

Yes.

Goodness, long enough

to sit in an oval plate, if you like.

Yeah, great, okay.

To be at home in a small oval side dish, but not hanging, not hanging over the hill.

No hanging, no, no hanging.

They bring it hanging, and that's it.

It's getting sent back.

No hanging.

I do not want anything

the plate.

Okay, nothing exterior to the plate.

Nothing.

That thing they do with lobster of going, I don't want it off the plate.

Why would I want it off the plate?

On the plate, please.

All on the plate.

Everything on the plate.

Make the plate as big as you like, but it's all going to be on the plate.

You don't want it to look like the lobster was trying to escape as they draw it.

No, it is.

Yeah, poor little guy.

Second time you've mentioned sending food back now.

Are you a food send backer?

One of the things that I am most pleased about

in terms of myself and what I've achieved, mainly I have to say through therapy, was an appropriate sense of entitlement.

So I am never rude to waiters.

I am never rude.

I'm never rude to anybody.

But if I'm in a restaurant, doesn't matter if it's three quid or 27 quid, you just go, sorry, this isn't hot.

Or this isn't what I asked for.

I'm never rude.

I don't throw my weight around or go, listen here, none of that.

Just go, sorry, we're having a transaction here.

I'm paying for this.

And, you know, this isn't why I ordered, or it's not warm enough.

So I'm very pleased about that because I don't do a kind of, look, I'm so sorry.

Or, listen, I don't mean to bother you.

It's just all that rubbish.

Just go.

And any decent waiter or waitress just goes, fair enough.

They don't go, oh, yes.

I was very pleased with myself.

I was in a queue.

I can speak Italian.

And I was in a queue in a berry posh bread shop in Italy.

Well, it was an ordinary, it was like Italy, as you know, fantastically nice pastry and posh bread, but also just everybody's daily bread.

And I was talking to my daughter in English, and this

was probably one of my finest moments.

And this very grand, I could tell from her accent, Roman woman was behind me in the queue.

And when she realised that I was speaking English,

when the guy said, who's next?

in Italian, she started to order and I turned on her and said, you know very well that I was next,

uh, but you think because I'm English that you can get ahead of me now.

You know, I was.

And I said, And if you came to London, I hope no one would behave like that to you.

Oh, yeah, and then the guy, obviously, all in Italian, and the guy went, What would you like, madam?

Yes, come on,

years of therapy have paid off, and a little bit of Italian speaking.

Did you say, Did you say that celebration in Italian as well?

Years of therapy have paid off.

No, I didn't.

La terra pia, I thought you were an appa.

No,

no, I didn't say that.

I just, but these are pathetic little victories.

But it's all.

I think that's a pretty big victory.

But yes, it was that she was assuming I couldn't speak Italian.

But yeah, I mean, you know, any person I know who works with food goes, you don't want people to pretend, you don't want people to be angry, but you don't want, if it's wrong, let us know.

Don't do a kind of I went there and, you know, TripAdvisor.

And just, I mean, that's so kind of English, isn't it?

Complaining about something afterwards.

Sure.

But not saying at the time.

And looking forward to complaining about that.

Oh, yeah, loving the

it and logging into trip advisor while you're there i can't wait to write this review i know well it's you know everyone's got a voice now haven't they yeah most of my heckles are over emails these days because

afterwards i stayed and watched the whole thing and i'm livid yeah

i had a very good time and yes i did laugh a few times but i really object to you using your whatever and you just go well just i don't care what's happened with my show now because i talk about my dysfunctional childhood in the first bit is i've had a number of women come up to me and say i really I really think you need a hug.

And it's awful because I'm thinking, yes, but not from you.

Absolutely, yeah.

I don't need hugs from strangers, thank you very much.

I mean, the person I need a hug from is long dead and really ought to have been my mother.

But I really want a hug from you.

I mean, I think

if you said that to them, that would work perfectly.

Yeah, but not from you.

Bitch.

I never used that word.

Don't know why I used it.

It just seemed amusing in the moment.

Please forgive me.

I never, ever used that word.

I'd rather use cunt than bitch.

Yeah.

Non-gender specific.

You see, that's my thing.

Well, cunt is kind of, yeah.

No, no.

You can say he's a cunt.

She's a cunt.

Absolutely.

No one says he's a bitch unless they're referring to someone who's camp.

You have to agree.

No one ever goes, oh God, that David Cameron is a right bitch.

Some people have probably said that, actually.

But it's not, but they, you have to admit, it has a kind of connotation.

Don't stand up for bitch.

I've said it even less than you.

Today.

Today.

Today.

Off the clock.

Don't stop saying that.

Dear trip advisor, I went to see that James A.

Castor's gig, and there was no use of the the word bitch.

I would like to complain.

People wanted to give me a hug after

my last tour show because it was quite personal.

And I did just say,

every time they go, kind of want to give you a hug.

I went, well, that'd be weird, wouldn't it?

And then they go, oh, okay.

And then that would be the end of that.

I think, I mean, this is political and with a small P, but I do think there's still so much.

Me going, A, I speak with a posh.

voice and I'm called Arabella and me going to a nice ordinary woman who said I'd like to give you a hug well that'd be weird, wouldn't it?

I think I sound like a sort of posh cow who's going, what are you doing?

Whereas you going, oh, that'd be weird.

That's funny.

Yes.

And I think that's got to do, I mean, I think that's a gender thing as well.

I think, you know, that it's funny you saying that.

And I bet the person who offered you the hug sort of went, oh, he was really funny.

I thought I'd give him a hug.

And he went, oh, that'd be weird.

That's part of,

anyway, that's my sort of theory about how difficult it is to come away from you.

Go, she's so stuck up.

Oh, she's such a stuck-up cow.

All I said, I wanted to give her a hug, and she went, oh, that'd be weird.

You just wanted to touch her.

Yeah, I just wanted to be here.

You've got a hug or something.

Yeah, and I've got breasts.

You don't have breasts because it's weird being hugged by people when you've got breasts as well.

Yeah?

Well, because they're there.

They're in the hug.

I'll come and give you a hug, but from behind.

That'd be a different show, wouldn't it?

And yeah, I want to give you a hug from behind.

From the side?

Like a koala?

Side hug?

Dunno, maybe not so good.

Wouldn't be so satisfying, would it?

No, maybe not.

Well, it doesn't say that you're squeezed.

it's all about the pressure, right?

You're squeezed, yeah, but you don't want to be.

Is that how you hug?

If

I don't want to be touched me from the side,

is that

a sort of flat title?

I'll demonstrate on Benito.

No, he doesn't want to be hugged by you.

Look at him.

He hates being touched.

That is harassment in the workplace.

Can you see the enjoyment on his face?

No, he doesn't want to be touched.

He doesn't want to be touched by you.

To be fair with him, he hates being touched in general.

So, your dream drink.

Well, I'm having two drinks.

I'm going to have a really good champagne.

Uh-huh.

And I'm then going to have a really decent,

I'm going to tell you, Pinot Noir, red Pinot Noir.

Sorry, I know people know that Pinot Noir is red.

I do beg my pardon.

I beg everyone's pardon.

I found a friend of mine, very, very old friend of mine, is a real wine connoisseur, and he gave me this tip, which I will share with your listeners.

He said look I'm not being horrible to you but you don't really know about wine so don't ever spend more.

He said never spend less than 10 but never spend more than about 16 because he said once you get into the 25 quid 100 quid a bottle stuff he said that's for connoisseurs so anybody who's like telling you you've got to spend he said don't because you will get a wine that you can appreciate within that price bracket but he said because you're not doing the kind of notes of berry and you know all that sort of thing and you and i and he said and i thought that was so liberating.

Right.

Because you know, standing in the shop thinking, oh god, if I was really nice to myself, I'd spend 40 quid on the bottle.

No, not anymore.

10 is my bottom, as it were.

And my bottom's no longer a 10.

And about sort of 18, 16.

I'm not sure my bottom was ever a 10.

But it was a 10 comedically, but it was never a 10 again

in the Licto Flagrante.

So

a Pinot Noir.

I would spend money on a decent champagne.

There is nothing worse.

I mean, that includes the war in Syria, than a cheap champagne.

Good looking at the money.

When people say there is nothing worse, then you think, well, that's quite a lot worse than a cheap champagne.

But yes, I'd like.

I've recently rediscovered Moet, which, by the way, you do say Moet.

Is it Moet?

Because he was Dutch.

Oh, okay.

So you're connoisseurs to Moet.

Is that another Fashion argument?

No, Farmer.

We didn't have too many rounds about champagne.

We sound like such a bunch of knobs, but there was quite a lot of

discussion.

Series two, that really is.

Series two, we're sitting around the table.

You get the Montrechet Puy Nor.

But yes, so a Pinot Noir.

And I know people are going to say you're not supposed to drink red with pork, but you're actually supposed to drink whatever you want with whatever you want.

Absolutely.

But actually, maybe I'd have a cocktail at the bar.

Because I do like a drink, then a champagne, then a red one.

What would your cocktail at the bar be?

I do like a cosmopolitan.

I'm basically a sort of pathetic girl.

It's like, I mean, because it's fruit juice, isn't it, with alcohol in it.

So, yeah, so I like something quite sweet.

I don't like all sort of dry vermouth and all that.

Right.

But yeah, but or a

ballinie, I don't mind a ballini.

Yeah.

I don't, I'll have a ballini, but, or a kia, but yeah, something with sugar in it.

Yeah, a sugary cocktail.

Sugary cocktail.

Then the nice, very dry champagne.

Champagne.

And then a Pinot Noir.

Pinot no.

Do you want to ask Samele to come out and show you the Pinot Noir?

I'd like him to show me his Pinot Noir, yes.

normally Arabella we only let the guests choose one drink but

yeah but it's the way you went I'm going to have these drinks and then James immediately went okay yeah yeah so I think that's happening now if you if you made me we're on a desert island you've got a gun held to my head we're in all sorts of other extreme situations

then I'd probably, for the sort of party factor, I'd have the champagne.

Okay.

But we're going to let you have all three.

Great.

I'm having them.

I'm having them.

Is that Lynn?

Yeah.

Your dessert.

Right.

Now, this is not the right dessert for this meal, but this meal's not really sort of.

I'm not doing these all together, am I?

So my father used to work a lot in the Middle East, and I used to spend a lot of time with him there.

And there was, that's why I was torn between the pork belly and the tagine.

Right.

Because that's where I had tagine first.

There's a bread and butter pudding made with Arabic bread called om Ali.

Basically, it's bread and butter pudding, but made with flatbread.

The sort of crispy flatbread.

Still got everything, you know, raisins and liqueur and everything, but I love omali.

That does sound good.

It is very good.

I mean, it is literally bread and butter pudding, but made with the Egyptian, in this case, flatbread, that is slightly crispy and slightly chewy.

Yeah.

That sounds delicious.

That is better, isn't it?

If, by the way, you're making a bread and butter pudding, you know, you need to make it with stale bread.

Right yeah.

And if you really want a treat you make it with stale

panforte not panforte the colomba.

I can rather pretentiously only think of it in Italian.

You know the kind of slightly dry domed cake that you get at Easter?

Yeah.

Is it like a penetone?

Yeah it's called a colomba.

Okay.

And you wait leave that out

till it's quite sort of dry and then slice that up, toast it and then make a bread and butter pudding with a toasted pine nuts and raisins soaked in marsala or sherry or whatever i mean man that is good you made that i have made it i do as little cooking as i possibly can well that sounds like some good cooking though no that is some good cooking right there i used to hate bread and butter pudding you're gonna love this and i've really i'm i'm into it now i'm into it now but i think it's quite a grown-up pudding That bread and butter pudding.

Yeah.

What?

Why did you get it?

Well, it's grown up because it's got alcohol in it, but the alcohol cooks.

No, I just never used to like it.

And then I started making it.

Were you at boarding school?

No.

No.

You may as well have been out there.

Good guess, though.

Well, you've got a sort of, you know, you've got a slightly kind of Prince Farquhar.

A big posh face.

You've got a big posh face.

Yeah, a bit of a prince.

You'd be Prince Farquhar in the stage version of Shrek, wouldn't he?

Yes, you would actually.

It's not an insult.

No, no, no.

I'm just saying.

He's immediately flipping on your head and ganging up with you with Ababella.

You would be Prince Farquhar.

You'd be the gingerbread man.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

No, that is.

I ate the gingerbread man yesterday, that's why I wasn't.

Yeah, you.

So

I had imagined, I'm afraid I had wrongly imagined you'd be born in school with all those puddings.

I'd went to a day school, but a public school, yeah.

So I've got it.

Peculiar the way you can tell.

You can tell, can't you?

But it's so peculiar, the way you can tell.

You walk down the street and you think it's like they've been sort of made out of white velvet and they've been they've washed themselves with sort of chamois.

But it maybe it's just literally years of we think the same about

80s.

Yeah.

I did.

Did I?

I went to grammar school.

Maybe Oh, yeah.

I knew you were a grandma, little face.

I knew you were a grandma the moment you walked in.

No, you never.

No, you never.

I bet most people would think I went to private school, but I never.

I never.

I can tell, Arabic.

I went to a selective school.

You can smell it on us.

My dad's a teacher, and my biggest fear was ended up in a school where he was a teacher.

How funny, because my mum was a teacher at my school, and that was my greatest glory at the school, because obviously I had a very, very competitive relationship with my mother.

And

so I'd been at lots and lots of different schools because of my dad's job and then they split up so I knew that this school, the day school in Camden Town, that I was going to be the first place I could stay for the whole time.

So I knew I was going to make friends that would last.

And, you know, mum and dad had split up and I was unhappy and I had a terrible relationship with my mother.

And so I made these friends that are still my friends to this day on the first day.

And I knew that was the first time I discovered that I was really funny because I thought I've got two options here.

I'd be really funny, which means being incredibly rude, or I'd swat.

So I thought, well, there's no way I'm going to do that.

So I was right from the off, really, really rude to the teachers.

I mean, I was fearless.

I can remember sort of scenting blood and thinking, I'm going to ruin this woman's life.

I mean, obviously, it's not great now, but you know, I wasn't a bully to kids, but I was like, right, I'd pick victims and then I'd sort of, you know, do long campaigns to make them cry and all that sort of thing.

I mean, it's just bonkers.

And

so my proudest moment around that age was when my mother, who was teaching at the school, said she thought she was going to, that this was going to be the end end of me, that I was going to go, oh my god, I can't believe it.

She said,

Your name came up in the classroom, and I couldn't, in the staff room, and I couldn't hold my head up.

I was so ashamed.

And I went, Yes!

I have made it!

I am the naughtiest girl in the school.

Yeah, how are you feeling now, mum?

Eat it!

The naughtiest girl in the school.

I was absolutely thrilled.

Yep.

That's how I made my mark.

You would like sparkling water.

You would like bread as your starter with loads of butter.

No, not starter.

That's my pre-starter.

Your actual starter, you would like salad of endives, end dives, chicory, rock fort, walnuts, some great dressing.

Main course, pork belly with celeriac mash.

Side dish of creamed spirits and long stem broccoli all on the plate with toasted almonds.

Yeah.

Drink.

Cosmopolitan, really good champagne and a Pinot Noir.

Why not?

One's at the bar, one's in between the bar.

You take that one's on the table.

I've got to have a drink walking from the bar to the table to ride out loud, yeah.

And dessert, the homali, is it?

Omali.

Omali.

The uh bread and butter pudding from Egypt.

Also, I'm going to let you have the as a like after the whole meal, the little mince pie with the stilt in it.

Yeah, it's Christmas after all, and I'm not going home to have sex, so it doesn't matter.

Absolutely, it doesn't matter that I'm going, oh god, no sex, no sex, it says here.

It's a no-sex menu.

It's a no-sex menu.

It's strictly no sex.

Well, we've never had to enforce that rule before.

For you, we've had to put it on there.

You know, but I bet people who are considering sex after their meal will be wondering what they're eating.

Yeah.

Do you want to tell your mum to eat it again?

She's dead.

Eat it!

That's a nice note to end on.

Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Room.

My pleasure.

Arabella Weir there.

Fantastic menu.

Whoa, delicious menu.

Very funny.

She's a good guest.

Yeah, really good.

Afterwards, she bullied Ed.

Oh, yeah, she bullied.

I didn't get to hear that.

But she just called Ed a jock.

She said he looked like a jock.

She sounded like a jock.

It's the happiest I've ever been.

She said Ed looks like he's auditioning to play Channing Tatum.

Yeah.

Which I think would be a shock to Channing Tatum that he didn't get that apart straight away.

Bad luck, Channing.

Bad luck, Channing.

Ed's on your heels.

Yeah, you're the new

Tatum.

Now, you were laughing like...

This is the difference between us.

You were laughing like she just insulted me.

Yes.

And I very much took it as a compliment.

Yeah, but I was just delighted.

I was just delighted to be like, Channing Tatum.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, the whole thing.

I knew you would like it.

That guy's crazy hot.

I knew it was safe to laugh.

Magic Magic Mike much?

Magic Mike much?

Magic Mike much, James.

Yep, absolutely.

You're laughing, going Arabella weird saying Ed could audition to play Channing.

I mean, she didn't say how far I would get in the auditioning process.

You're auditioning to play it.

Yeah,

I got a lot of haircuts.

Yeah, I got a jock haircut.

But you know what?

I'm happy with that.

I've got to lean into the way I look.

Yeah, you look very nice.

I mean, none of it was actual diss.

You look very nice as well.

It's a vacuum.

But I liked you giggling away.

I was giggling.

Like the little bully hanging at the back of the crowd.

Yep.

If I was brave enough at school, I would have been the little bully hanging at the back of the crowd.

You weren't brave enough to be the bully hanging at the back of the crowd.

I wasn't even brave enough to be that kid.

I looked at that kid like, he's so brave.

Where were you?

No, just watching from across the room thinking, good bullying.

If you like the sound of what Arabella was talking about, you should go and see her show.

She is very, very funny.

The show is called Does My Mum Loom Big in This?

And you can find out more about that show, dates, tickets, and all of that sort of thing on ArabellaWeird.co.uk.

Also, thank you, Arabella, for not choosing seeded grapes, by the way.

Yes, thank you, Arabella.

Also, we have an online presence at OffMenuOfficial on Instagram and Twitter and offmenupodcast.co.uk on the internet.

Go and check it out.

Big list of all the restaurants have ever been mentioned on the podcast on that website.

Indeedy doody.

Indeedy doody,

I'm a foodie.

Thank you very much for listening.

We'll see you again sometime soon.

Goodbye.

Drive safe.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, the 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true, Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.