Ep 49: Catherine Cohen

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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And this podcast was first bottled in 1968, and you're very lucky to be getting it from Deep in the Cellar.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

I didn't know you were born in 1968, Ed?

No, this podcast was bottled in 1968.

Old Man Gamble.

Hello, everybody.

I'm an old man.

I don't know American accents.

Yep.

That's because we're in New York City right now.

We're in New York City.

We have decided to come here on a whim, I'd say, to record some episodes with American guests.

Ed.

Yes.

Even though we're in New York City, correct me if I'm wrong, the format of the podcast remains the same, am I correct?

Absolutely.

But before we even get onto that, you always try and move me along.

I just want to let everyone know you've been for a very smart haircut.

Thank you very much.

We could mean Benito couldn't believe it when you walked in here.

You said you'd go for a haircut.

You look so smart.

Yes, I went for a haircut in New York City and I said, make me look smart, please.

You look very dappy.

You look like you could be a madman.

Yes, that's what I wanted.

And they gave me a whiskey while I was having my haircut.

So I was drinking the whiskey and I said I felt like Don Draper.

Don Acaster.

Yes.

Before Matt James, we invite a special guest to tell us their favourite.

Starter, main course dessert, drink and side dish.

It's a basic chat about food.

It's a lot of fun and it very much relies on the guest and momentum.

And who is the guest and what is the momentum?

The guest this week is the wonderful Catherine Cohen.

And the momentum for this episode was jet lag.

Oh, yeah.

Jet lag.

This is smooth jet lag.

Catherine Cohen is a wonderful comedian, musician, cabaret performer, I would almost say.

It's so funny, she's a jack of all trades and a master of all of them.

She won the Edinburgh Festival Best Newcomer Award last year.

She's hap property.

A tough prize to snap up.

Indeed.

She got it.

And we went to her apartment to interview her.

Even though it was her apartment, if she mentioned the secret ingredient, I wouldn't have hesitated to kick her out of the dream restaurant.

Straight out of the window onto the fire escape.

Yeah, exactly.

Those zigzaggy fire escapes that New York is famous for.

She would have gone,

all the way to the bottom.

Now, Ed, tell us, what is the secret ingredient this week?

It is bubble tea.

Bubble tea.

Like boba, like them little

like frog spawdy bits.

Tapioca bits.

Tapioca.

Is that what it is?

That's what I don't want.

It's like rice tapioca pudding in the bottom of drinks.

That's why I don't want it.

I like them.

I like those too.

Do you?

Of course you do.

You love all that sort of textural stuff, slurping it up like a horrible little baby.

Yes.

And I also like you.

You like the restaurant Mission Chinese.

I do like the Restaurant Mission Chinese.

We went there the other night.

We did.

And there's an excellent dessert there that has those in it.

Yeah.

And they're so chewy and fruity in that dessert.

It was such a good dessert.

I cannot ever say that I don't like them.

However...

If one of the rule that we've got now, if one of us doesn't like them, it has to be the secret ingredient.

Fair enough.

So if she says it, she's out onto onto her fire escape

so let's hope she doesn't say it because i'm looking forward to meeting her here as the off menu menu of catherine cohen

welcome should you bring me in oh yeah sure i was gonna welcome you i know a lot of a lot of podcasts especially

oh god it's just felt set up

oh my i'm furious we'll never bounce back from this geni napkin no it's all right it's mainly on your rug.

I'm peeking out of my lamp, and I can't believe what I'm seeing.

Catherine's having to go and get some roll to the bottom.

I was just pop it up with it.

What I was just saying was that the beginning of this podcast is quite official, and we do an official start, but it turns out now it's starting with me spilling something.

And Catherine's invited us over to her apartment to record it, and now I spilt seltzer on her rug.

Thank you very much.

This just makes us raw, relatable, real for all the listeners back home.

Hey, guys.

Shout out to y'all.

Luckily, seltzer is what people recommend to get stains off carpets, right?

Oh, totally.

So, if anything, I'm cleaning it.

Thank God.

That's why I sent you guys over.

Oh, no.

Why have you not fanked Ed, Catherine?

This wonderful thing is doing for you.

Good.

I'm so sorry about spilling something.

I'll never forget this, but I'll forgive it.

Whoa.

Welcome, Catherine Cohen.

Oh, my God.

To the dream restaurant.

We're coming anticipating your arrival.

Would you like to start with an amuse bouche?

Yes.

It's a nice thing, isn't it?

Amuse bouche?

Because

you've got in your head head what you want.

And then it's a little bonus that they bring you, you didn't even choose it.

What is it?

Is that the thing they bring you?

You don't even ask for it.

Yeah, like

a little snack at the beginning of the meal.

Well, can I ask for my favourite food?

No, no, this is a moose bouche.

This is how you can do it.

I don't get to choose this.

No, no, no, this is me.

So what?

So what have you brought?

A big birthday cake.

No,

thank you.

How do you know?

My birthday was in August.

I thought you'd like it.

Full-size birthday cake as a little mousse bouche before the meal.

Rectangle?

Yes.

A sheet cake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A sheet birthday cake.

We can ask now, I mean, what is your dream birthday cake?

Oh, that's a great question.

You know, I'm absolutely addicted to ice cream cake.

I think it's hot and cold, so fucked up and perfect.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's twisted to have hot and cold in your mouth at the same time.

I love that shit.

So, you live in New York?

Rumors are true.

The best food place in the world?

What do we reckon?

New York is pretty amazing.

You know what?

I'm actually, I'm from Texas.

I'm from Houston, and I think that's a better, better food town.

Okay.

Because you got the Tex Max, you got the barbecue.

It's like the real deal.

I was there one day.

Oh, God.

And

I didn't know where to eat.

I just got something nearby.

And now I think I've missed out on a lot of good stuff I could have had.

What did you get?

Ice cream cake.

Yeah.

No,

I had some sandwich that was like a chicken kind of chicken salad sandwichy kind of thing.

It was a massive chicken sandwich.

Okay.

How just huge?

Yeah, it was like massive.

I remember it was massive and it was from a bar around the corner and they did this massive hot chicken sandwich.

That sounds great.

And I went and got that and then I watched Apollo 13.

Oh, sure.

When was this?

1990.

2016.

Wow, you're really

behind on Apollo 13, right?

Well, no, I've been to the Space Center that day.

Oh, you went to NASA?

Yeah, and then I was like, I want to watch Apollo 13.

So I watched it again.

It wasn't the first time I'd seen it.

I'd never seen it.

Oh, it's a classic movie.

I don't like space movies.

Why not?

It's like, we get it.

I think there's so much more interesting stuff here.

Like, look around you.

Look out the window.

Look, in every little, every window, there's a story being told.

You can never think about that.

In space, there's not a lot of that.

I find it's best to not stare out of your window through other people's windows at their stories.

Okay, weird.

Yeah, that's what they're thinking.

It's just because you born and raised in...

Houston though, and therefore you don't like space, because you're rebelling against the olds of the town or the olds of culture.

And you're like, space sucks.

Yeah, I'm a badass girl.

You know, I went to NASA once, and the famous family story was that our guide was really nervous, and instead of saying

Earth surface, he goes, and then on the Earface,

we are like, Earfus was the funniest thing I'd ever heard.

That's brilliant.

So afterwards, we're like, that trip was Earfus, you guys.

Yeah, I love the Earthus.

Ed dropped a drink on the Earthus a minute ago, didn't I?

I remember.

Yeah, sorry about that again.

Moment of silence.

So

do you like food?

Are you a foodie?

I love, who doesn't like food?

Yeah, there are people.

Be surprised.

There are people.

Honey, I wish I didn't like food.

Hey, look at this.

Come on.

I'm trying to keep it tight.

I want to be on TV, bitch.

Yeah,

we always joke,

we.

I talk about my coffee.

My best friend, Pat, I'm just so in love with him.

He's gay, he's not in love with me, but I always say we as though we're like a couple.

We always joke about in the Vogue 73 questions video for Taylor Swift, they're like, what's your favorite food?

And she goes, if calories didn't count, chicken fingers.

And we're like, if calories didn't count,

we always start off with still sparkling water.

Now you've already started us off with some sparkling water here.

And I've made my feelings very clear about that.

Mm-hmm.

The boys really like what I cooked up for them, which is a can of liqueur.

Zero calorie, zero sweetener, zero sodium equals innocent.

Oh.

Oh, that's what it says.

Yeah, that's what it says on my one.

Yeah, I think

it's the same.

I think it's broadly the same across the cans.

You're obviously a fan of sparkling.

You had a whole box of them.

Yeah.

Yeah, you got a box.

I'm a water freak.

Yeah.

I'm addicted to being hydrated.

Are you?

It's like the one thing.

It's like one thing I can control in my life.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

It's like I can just get a lot.

Water makes you makes the voice sound good, because I sing.

It makes you shit normal, which we love.

We stand that.

And it makes you just feel better than other people.

And it keeps you, yeah, it keeps you feeling fresh.

Feel fresh.

I feel like hydration, I think everything the UK does is maybe 30 years behind America.

You guys actually.

I don't feel like we've caught up with hydration yet.

You guys don't hydrate, really.

No.

No.

They make you pay for water, right?

This is not true.

In a restaurant?

No.

No, you can get tap water.

Who told you that?

Horror stories.

I don't know.

I feel like I'm always like buying really small bottles of water.

That's just like people tell that to spook spook you so you won't go to the UK.

I'm shivering.

You don't have to pay for water.

Why am I so cold all of a sudden?

Before you had to pay for the water.

But I don't feel like I think we're a very dry people.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we're probably not as into water.

Don't really value it as much.

Don't walk around with a bottle of water in our bag all the time.

Yeah.

Benito does.

Benito's got one.

Oh yeah, he's got a little.

Benito, let's see it.

Brought you a water bottle all the way from the UK.

Can I talk to you about those?

And my thing about those is they're too, that's not enough water.

See, look at what I have.

You got it?

You got it.

You gotta go full literature.

What the hell is that?

That's like a, you got a proper water tank.

You gotta go full liter because you need three of these a day.

Is this interesting?

Hydro flask.

So you drink three of those a day.

At least.

It's a drum.

Here's my issue with.

Drum of water.

Hydration.

Yeah.

Are you not just going to the bathroom the whole time, right?

Constant.

I'm going right now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pass me that paper towel and they're laughing.

They're laughter, crying, laughing over here.

Yeah, a part of my life is always being nervous that I'm going to have to pee and like I always sit aisle seat like whether at the theater or on an airplane.

Yeah.

I'm always going aisle.

Yes.

Or even the cinema.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm trying to

employ.

Employ that more in my life now.

What, the aisle seat?

Aisle seats.

I think maybe every day.

or at least five days a week, I nearly piss myself.

Yeah.

I'm absolutely sick of it.

Yeah, it's not really.

I'm sick of it.

Just my whole life.

Just like every time I'm in that situation again and I'm walking along and I feel it and I'm like, oh no.

And I've got the panic in my head of, oh, please, no.

I think, why?

Why this again?

Why again?

I'm 35.

Why is this happening again?

Yeah.

You know?

I'm just tired of it.

This happened today.

Yeah, we both needed a weed today at the same time.

It got really bad.

If I can just say, a huge part of being in New York is like, no one lets you use the bathroom unless you buy something.

Man.

So what do do you do?

Do you just buy a lot of stuff?

I got some spots.

Barnes and Noble and Union Square, they'll let you go.

Okay.

They'll let you go.

What I've done, and what you guys can't do is I can walk in, and if they say no, I say, I'm pregnant.

Right.

Congratulations.

No.

I practice safe sex.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Thanks.

That's cool.

You're welcome in the dream restaurant without you.

Yeah, I'll go with sparkling.

Thank you.

Do you want it in your drum?

Do you want it in the drum?

Oh, that would be amazing.

Yeah, thank thank you.

Sparkling water in the hydro flask.

I'd love that.

Could you drink three liters of sparkling water a day, though?

Yeah, but I understand what you're saying.

It's like you can't chug it as fast.

Yeah, it's a lot.

The thing about this drum that I drink from is it,

I truly, I don't mean this to sound quirky.

Like, I spill on myself every time I drink out of it.

You know, it's so big mouthed.

It's like,

it's kind of like, it's sort of a sexy treat for people on the side.

I was like, when I shirt soaking, what?

This is my first of the day, so.

There you go.

There you go.

Had a late morn.

Did you all have a late morn or what's up?

Early morning.

Early.

A bit jet light.

Early morns.

Pretty early.

Did you go out last night?

Went to the Smith.

It's a good spot.

Yeah.

I went there last weekend.

Oh, yeah?

It's kind of an all-American, you can't go wrong.

But did they tell you about how the restaurant recently burned down so they had a limited menu?

No, no.

No.

Last weekend when it was there, they said, you know what?

We're sorry for the inconvenience.

But in December, we had a big fire in the kitchen.

No one was hurt.

I said, thank God.

But now we have a limited menu.

And so what they were having towards us actually was a limited menu right but the meal was still a hit it didn't feel very limited no they didn't tell us about the

the kitchen i had a burger i had a burger but a different burger to add

i can't

i can't order the same thing as someone else yes oh why

because it feels like if you're not going to go back to that place ever again you're wasting the order but don't you also find that when someone gets something else you're like i should have got that yeah of course but i still like to stick to my so he feels every time yeah i also did it at breakfast this morning morning.

Kind of a masochist.

Yeah, I wanted the same thing as him, but I had to order something different.

Where'd y'all go for Brett?

Champs.

Oh, the vegan diner?

Yeah.

Okay, my Brooklyn boys.

People absolutely off, go all the way on the L-train to get breakfast.

It's freaks.

We love it, though.

I have the same thing every time.

I had the kicking cowgirl every time.

Ed wanted it, but didn't.

Didn't get it because I think it's a waste of an order.

What's uh now if you boys don't mind me asking, what's the kicking cowgirl?

Giddy up, Benito.

It is tofu scramble, vegan chili, tater tots, vegan cheese, avocado, and Texas toast.

And Texas toast.

You might be able to help us with this.

Texas toast.

Big absorption.

Is it just big toast?

Right, okay.

Okay.

Pop it up or bread.

Pop it ups or bread, Catherine.

Pop it ups or bread.

What the hell?

What?

Pop it up so bread.

What's popp it up?

ups?

No, so this is going to happen a lot because just let the listener know

the first interview since we've arrived at the bottom.

Did I kill the momentum over there?

No, you've not killed the momentum at all.

I think this is good to get that.

The question is

poppadoms or bread?

Pop a doms, an Indian crispy snack that you would have at the beginning.

I do like those.

I do like those, but I prefer bread.

Are there other things that

you might get before meal

in that zone that you prefer to bread?

You know the kind of bread when it's kind of like a little it's kind of cheesy and there's kind of like a puff to it do you know what i mean cheesy puff bread can you describe it more um

no

no i'm i lost for the first time in my life i'm at a loss for words cheese to just cheese bread yeah i don't i wish i you know what i wish i hadn't said anything no no no no no no no no no that's the point we are we are

as long as it you know what it's hot hot bread squishy inside, crust outside.

That's what's up.

But I think we can get you cheesy puff bread because these are cheesy puff bread.

Okay, so what I'm talking about is like, oh,

I feel so nervous.

It's like, um...

It's not that there's cheese in it, it's that there's a cheese.

There's a

cheese, there's an energy that suggests maybe cheese is involved in the battlefield.

In the process, but

no, there's no visible cheese.

I'm sweating.

But

there's the vibe of cheese.

There's a cheese vibe.

The ghost is like the ghost of cheese.

You know cheese is in there.

You feel the cheese, the cheese presence, but you can't see it.

And it's so good and it's small.

It's smaller than bread.

It's smaller than bread.

It's smaller than bread.

That's an amazing slogan.

It's smaller than bread and you can feel the presence of cheese.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a savory treat.

Tiny cheese ghost bread.

Like a cheese straw?

A Cheeto?

No.

A Cheeto.

Looking of Cheetos.

Is it bread or is it pastry?

It's bread.

Okay.

I don't know.

I just feel really disconnected from you guys right now.

Small?

You came into my home

and you act like I'm...

You act like women are crazy.

These guys think women are crazy.

These guys are cancelled.

Cancelabra.

Bring out the cancelabra.

I'm serious.

Strange.

I don't know.

That sounds great.

Asking Catherine more questions about bread is a good idea.

I think this is something we can work through.

Then you weren't supposed to hear what I just said.

Apologies.

I thought only Ed could hear that.

No, no, no.

I was just letting him know.

Oh, sorry.

We've been through this.

You can't focus your sound specifically onto one person.

I was looking at you.

Yeah, that's not how it works.

Did you, were you born and raised on Texas toast?

No, I was born in New York City, City of Dreams.

Well, hold on a second.

I'm confused now.

And then I grew up in Houston.

You know, when they take you and you're little and they just plop you down wherever, and you're like, this is my life.

Right.

Where did y'all grow up?

London.

Ketrin.

What?

You just said my name so fast, Effie.

Your starter, what would you like for your starter?

Okay, um

you know what I'd really love is like

a burrata

with really fresh tomatoes and some like olive oil.

Like just like the most pure like from the earth, like the freshest.

I'm talking tomatoes that were plucked in August.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's tomato season.

And heirloom vibes, so I need some different colors.

Tomatoes.

When you say yellow tomato, aren't you just like, oh, no, I've seen everything.

I mean,

they're doing crazy things with tomatoes.

Yeah.

So that's my, and then a little bit of basil on it, and then some olive oil, salt, and pepper.

Amazing.

That is a great choice.

I love it.

So when you say they're picked in August,

so you're eating the meal in August as well.

Why not?

It's my birthday month.

Yeah.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Are you guys best friends or just regular friends?

Well, we're not seven.

Drag me to absolute hell.

Douge.

Okay.

We're very close friends.

Very close friends.

Absolutely.

Is that too much now?

You don't like it?

No, I'm just like done with it.

At this point, he can't hear me when I'm not looking at him, right?

Yeah,

that's what he told me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the burrata.

Yeah.

It's like a surprise when you open it.

When you put your puncture, almost like an egg.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's so soft.

You're like, how...

You taste it.

You're like, what even the fuck is this?

And I like it when it's like a little tangy almost.

So not too mild.

And then you know what?

And that's bringing it.

I really, really didn't want to go here because of where we've been.

But when they serve it with like a slightly toasted piece of like bread with olive oil on it, and you can kind of scoop it up with the tomato.

Oh, yeah, it's good.

But I think we're on the same bread page there.

Absolutely.

The whole dish is fantastic.

Divine.

If you had to say so if we you know now we're like we've got a surprise for you that was a special guest and we bought a big blob of mozzarella in but it's alive, what would you want to say to it now?

Now the bars are so great, I would like to just tell mozzarella it's over.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

Now we see what you're saying, but to get there, we had to have mozzarella that was alive coming in here for Catherine to say something to.

I just think that Catherine would really give it what for and give it a piece of her mind.

You know what I would say?

I would say,

you're mine and I love you and I'll never.

This doesn't change what we have between us and you're still really good for pizza.

Yeah.

You don't want to put a burata on a pizza, do you?

Unless it's raw onto the top of the pizza.

Yeah, can I talk about something crazy?

yeah you is that okay with you okay

have you guys heard of cold cheese cold cheese cold cheese pizza no no no no no not just we've heard of cold cheese

where do you think we've come from

oh

oh i'm getting a call

i hope it's not mozzarella oh yeah yeah you're talking about me

Hey, I'm doing a podcast.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm doing a podcast, so you're on speakerphone.

Hey, no problem.

I'm mailing you those glasses you left at the house.

Oh, and I've just realized you're going out of town for a while.

Should I ship them somewhere else or to your apartment?

You know, if you put it in a small enough package that it goes in my mailbox as opposed to a big package, then I'll be able to retrieve it.

It's actually going in a box.

Okay.

I don't know how we're going to get past this.

Why don't you just

wait?

Oh, oh, oh.

Well, just.

I don't want to wait.

I'm going to send it.

They'll just sit there.

All All right.

How big a package could get in your mailbox?

You mean like an envelope?

No, I just mean...

Maybe if it was the good size of a glasses case.

Yeah, that's not going to happen.

Okay.

Okay.

Love you.

Thanks.

Love you.

Bye-bye.

I'm so sorry.

That was urgent.

That's okay.

Yeah, no, no.

Sometimes you've got to take these calls.

That was so important.

That was my father.

Okay, cool.

Well, what did you guys think?

I shouldn't have said anything.

What did you guys think that was?

I was going to say, I loved his attitude.

I love him even more now that I know he's your dad.

I really thought that was random.

And actually, it's like...

I think you've got the chillest dad in the world.

No, I really do.

I'm very liked.

Very cool attitude.

I liked it when he just went, yeah, that's not going to happen.

Yeah.

I'm really just funny.

I know I disguised this, that I'm funny to give you options on the glasses.

I'm just funny to tell you what I'm going to do.

Well, the thing that's funny is, I didn't ask him to do that, so he's calling to be like, can you believe what a great dad I am?

I'm just sending you these that he left to the house unprompted.

I should have known

he was your dad, because it's a definite dad thing to do.

When you said, I'm doing a podcast, he didn't reference it and couldn't even bother to engage with what a podcast is.

He was like, okay, some crazy thing.

I'll just move on

doing the task that I called for.

I just love him to death.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I really do.

I'm just, I'm, I love my family.

It's not groundbreaking.

It's not interesting.

I just really love them.

Would you like them to be at the dream meal?

So you know my heaven is go on

oh

my heaven is you know my heaven in in earth yeah is it okay to describe the restaurant a bit yeah sure is it does it morph is it yeah like the main whatever you want it to look like yeah yeah so my my ideal restaurant um i need white tablecloths i randomly like like i want the walls to be dark mahogany ceiling kind of rustic but then i want like burgundy carpet that's like fucking disgusting you know what i mean and like the waiters are all 3000 years old they don't care if you live or die, but they're also kind if you look deep into their eyes.

What are they wearing?

Probably bow ties.

Not to be skosh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And candles.

And there's like light.

There's like an old man with secrets in the corner playing piano, but gentle.

And here's the key part is not too loud to have a normal conversation.

This is something I just really can't stand.

It's very important.

My habit is when I have my family in town and we take some friends out.

So to have like, and it has to be, I'm so sorry to keep harping on this, but it has to be circular table.

I mean, it's really, it's just disgusting.

When they,

what are we animals feeding from the trough?

I mean, put it in a circle so I can look at people in the eyes when I'm eating.

Yes, yeah.

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Your main course.

This is tough.

Let's go full like steak.

I'm getting a steak.

Oh, yeah.

I'm getting like a filet mignon.

Well, I did not see that coming at all.

No.

And I've just had this kind of cheesy kind of vegetable.

I'm ready for like, I need some protein.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not that cheese isn't protein.

I don't want you to disrespect cheese and what it does for us, but it isn't really the same as having.

Oh my god, is everyone else exhausted on the roof?

I know there's a lot more pressure on you.

No.

You're feeling it.

Filet mignon.

You could.

Yes.

That, like, fillet steak, right?

Oh, sorry, I thought when I said Catherine was feeling it, I thought you were doing a pun.

I'm saying

filet mignon.

Don't do any puns near me.

It doesn't go overwhelming.

There might be some.

I wouldn't have liked it either.

No.

I just thought that's what he was doing.

Yeah, super rare steak.

Super rare.

Good.

Super rare and like crispy on the, you know, just a little bit of...

Gotta have those.

How rare are we talking?

Like blue.

A little blue.

If it could be blue.

No, not crazy, but definitely red, red, bloody.

From a particular place?

Ed was saying today how much he wants to go to Peter Luga.

Yeah, that's the spot.

I actually haven't been there.

I'd love to go there.

Shut up about it.

Well, we walked past it.

this up.

I'd like to go there.

Whatever happened between you guys before this, don't bring it.

I wasn't aware of anything happening.

I think it's kind of fucked up that you guys didn't ask about cocktails first.

Well, you know, we're getting on to the drinks.

But when you go to a restaurant, that's always right.

Yeah.

No offense.

One of my pet peeves is when, and this really grinds my gears, but

when you order a drink and it doesn't get there before the food, it's like,

what is this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fair enough.

I just find more, the more old I get, some might say older, the older I get, the more old I get, like, the more specific and obnoxious I've become.

But it's like, if you're gonna pay money, you want it to be like really what you want.

Otherwise, I just kick back, have some takeout.

Well, the older you get, the more you value money, right?

So, like, it makes sense that you would then be like, I'm paying for this, it means more to me now.

Mm-hmm.

That I've paid for it.

Yeah.

What's your dream cocktail to kick off the meal?

Because

we're going to give you a bonus cocktail

to have at the beginning of the meal, and then we're gonna ask you about your drink after we've done the side dinner.

Look, we've had a complaint, James.

This is our first complaint.

We've been this is our first complaint.

No, it isn't.

In the history of the podcast?

It's our first official restaurant complaint.

This is, I'm, I'm very, very easy to deal with.

I'm very low maintenance, low-key, a guy's, I'm a guy's girl.

Yeah, I'm a guy's girl.

I love a beer.

I love the jeans.

I'm at a rodeo right now.

I never...

Is that a clue to your drink?

Are you going to have a beer in a jeans pocket?

No, no, if I'm at this kind of place, the place where Doralto, I'm going to go, the place we all are, I'm getting like a dirty martini cuttle one.

Ice.

And you know what's kind of fucked up, but I like when there's even like a little bit of ice on the top.

I think that's technically not how you're supposed to like it, but it's like ice cold, like,

and then like a little bit of...

Like almost like, you know, when something sits out and then you break the seal and it's like, oh,

you know what I'm saying?

What?

I know you like martinis because I don't know if you realize that.

That whole last sentence was all different noises.

It was.

It's like a sea.

Did I miss something?

Yeah.

What have you just put in your mouth?

Does anyone want one of these?

There's actually three left.

What are they?

It's an immunity.

I'm scared.

Yeah.

Due to my being scared all the time, I'm addicted to

not getting colds.

So this is a ginger, what critics and fans like are calling a ginger fireball blast.

It supports the immune system.

It has vitamin C, no sugar, no calories, pure ginger root.

Yes, I want one.

Okay.

It burns a little.

Thank you.

Bed.

Bonito, and they burn.

Not burn it?

We're all gonna get.

And burn straight.

Oh.

Give it a sec.

Oh.

Yeah.

That's a real shock as soon as you pop it in.

No, mine's been a slow kind of like bonito's where you're struggling.

Yeah.

Well, mine's slowly building and getting more fiery.

I quite like it in a way.

I'm quite enjoying the sensation of it.

Yeah, I like it too.

Feels like you're doing something.

Yeah?

Do you crunch these?

I wouldn't.

Yeah, I'm not crunching it because I think it'd be worse.

But you can.

I don't know.

Does everyone like these sound effects?

That's the thing, isn't it?

We're all sucking into the mic.

A big one.

Looks like SMR, like you like.

Yeah.

Oh, do you like that?

Yeah.

I wish I liked that.

Big time.

So it's a 10-second countdown to him saying it's not a sexual thing.

That's normally what he does.

It's not sexual.

Can I ask one thing?

Is it

sexual?

Huh?

I just said it's not.

I don't think it is.

I said it a minute ago.

Okay.

It's not sexual.

Do you know what you know what I'm a nickname to?

That's ASMR adjacent?

There is an app called Headspace, the meditation app, and they have this thing called Sleepcast, where someone tells you a very boring story over like a white noise.

You guys got to check it out.

Oh yeah.

My favorite one.

Everyone gather around.

All of a sudden there's like a fire pit.

We're like, woo.

It's called Rainy Rainy Day Antiques.

And it's just this man being like, welcome to Rainy Day Antiques.

And like there's rain sounds and he's like, come on in.

It's amazing.

It's kind of, and there's one that's ASMR.

It's a lady being like, now don't get aroused about me doing this.

He's a rock hard.

He goes, welcome to the library.

That was quite sexy.

Do you think they know those people when they're recording those stories that they're going to be played back to people to help them go to sleep?

Or do you think they tell them they're recording a really exciting story?

Yeah, that's my point.

Tell us your story about that.

Originally, was that meant to be something else?

Yeah, that's the I would plug headspace.

Okay, what do you do?

You go on YouTube and you watch girls brush their hair.

Look at me in the eyes.

Is that what you do?

I don't.

I actually don't do that.

Why won't you make me eye contact?

I do not do that.

Make me eye contact.

Oh, man.

I actually like the male voice ASMRs and I watch those ones and it's a lot this time.

Just like,

what a hero.

There's a medal of honor.

I'll tell you why.

It's because I like the deep tones of it.

It's more relaxing for me.

I get to sleep.

Right, look, you've had your martini.

You've got your steak.

Can you dill?

Yeah, I'm a big girl having a nice big steak.

How big?

I mean,

no, nothing crazy because I wanted to be really fine, rich meat that I could only, I could I really couldn't have more than a few bites it's too decument yeah yeah I love

my mom used to always be like oh it's too rich for me too rich and I'd be like what's that like

a funnel of MMs down my throat love

MMs yeah I like MMs peanut butter the peanut butter peanut butter oh what yeah so peanut butter not peanut butter yeah peanut butter peanuts good too I would also

say peanut butter.

Oh, those are the worst ones.

But they're sort of exotic to us because they don't sell them in England.

You have to go to special shops that have illegally imported them from the U.S.

You're all about the peanut MMs.

I like plainer peanut, but I get really excited when there's peanut.

I was going to say, there's actually a specialty shop just around the corner from me that sells

only stuff you can get in England.

Oh.

It's very, very cute.

Very cute.

I've never been inside, but they have salad cream, like whatever the fuck that is.

Salad cream.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, I think that we're going to talk about it, but it just highlights how awful we are food-wise.

No, of course.

It's mortifying.

It's an especialist shop, a bottle of salad cream.

Everyone has B-O in there.

Yeah.

There's a huge line on the Barbon's value.

They're cream, their SC, their daily dose.

Oh, man.

But it's a very cute little shop.

So if you guys get homesick, please go pop in and just

get three days without my salad cream.

So, what's your side dish with your steak?

I keep thinking of the Waverly Inn.

It's a restaurant sort of around here that I really like that kind of has the vibe I'm describing.

And they have,

for some reason, this is boring, but some reason they're like, their steamed spinach with garlic is just so good.

You don't need to taste something so plain, but you're like, what have they done to this?

It's that kind of experience.

And with a steak, I feel like that'd be really nice.

So steamed as well,

and not like drowned in butter.

Oh, it might be sauteed.

I don't actually know.

It's definitely like...

Really rich with lots of...

I love like whole cloves of garlic.

Uh-huh.

And I love like, and even if if there's like a little, like, for some reason, there's a little kick to it.

Like, maybe there's like some red pepper flakes.

It's just like really

good.

Really good.

If I can say that.

And then the,

I'd also want mac and cheese.

It's like the best food.

Are we going to make you choose, though?

Well, I think you just decided on mac and cheese, right?

The kind of mac and cheese.

If I'm allowed.

Sounds crazy.

You're already dishes.

I know.

I'm really breaking.

I'm really.

Yeah, no, that's why I'm asking you.

I'm giving you two sides.

Honey, he broke the the mold when he made me getting juice.

I love mac and cheese when it comes in a little boat.

You know, it's in a little boat.

A little boat?

Yes.

I don't think I've had mac and cheese in a little boat.

Yeah, like one of those dishes that's like a little boat.

Oh, right.

I'm imagining a natural boat.

Yeah, yeah, not a boat, right?

Okay, first feeling

know this.

Yeah,

little boat.

This is important.

It's randomly penne.

No one saw that coming.

And the top is like crispy and kind of hard.

And then when you get in, it's like so hot that it hurts.

Yeah, yeah, that's really the stuff.

So, you quite like stuff that you eat, and then it just really burns your mouth quite intensely.

I actually do, and I also, I'm a sauce girl, like, I like everything like over kind of like I love options, I love

options.

Oh, I just thought of something I wanted instead.

Go on.

Well, what I'm thinking ultimately is that beyond a steak, my favorite sandwich in the oh, I should have another sandwich.

My favorite sandwich.

Oh god, they exercise me.

I, um, there's a French dip at this place in Houston called Houston's.

And

you know about a French dip?

Mmm.

No.

Oh, really?

So it's like super, super thin sliced.

I guess it's like beef tenderline.

I don't know what it is.

Or prime rib.

It's like stacked so high on this like gorgeous kind of like pretzel bun thing.

And then with this really creamy, inside you have a creamy horseradish sauce and then a like an au jus, like a dip.

So you're you dunk the sandwich into like this kind of creamy sort of kick-y bra.

A sauce and also the broth.

So it's kind of this, it's just...

Wow.

So do you want that as your side dish?

To the steak.

No, I have that instead of the steak.

Oh, that's instead of the steak.

Yeah, because this giant meat sandwich.

Getting rid of the steak.

And yeah, I want to show you guys a picture.

I'm going to get emotional thinking about it.

Yeah.

I killed you haven't had this.

I thought you were going for an absolute baller move of putting a beef sandwich on the side of the steak.

Yeah, I was really doing it.

Yeah.

Really respect that.

So hold on a second.

You've got the beef sandwich from Houston's.

Yeah, I'm just going to show you a picture so we can really.

The French dip.

The side is the mac and cheese in the boat with the penne.

Yeah, and then they wheel me out on a fucking gurney.

Yes.

Okay,

no one in a million years thought I'd find myself on Reddit right now.

And it thinks about me, and I, I, my, until I die, I'd be like, I'm gonna stand by this.

What is Reddit?

Don't tell me, I don't want to know.

Look at the sandwich.

Do you see what I'm saying?

And you really don't get it.

Also, you didn't say how nice those fries are.

They look very nice.

I like that thin, really thin, stringy fries.

Oh, Reddit wants to

know where I am.

It wants to show you notifications.

You can just say block or allow there.

So that's your main.

Instead of the steak, we're going for the French dip sandwich from Houston's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

With a mac and cheese boat.

The thing about mac and cheese is often you find yourself kind of wanting a kick.

It's like

after a few bites, you're like, I want like a poblano pepper or something.

Yeah.

Or mustard.

The best I ever had was at a wedding.

Do you eat a what do you mean?

Like a mustardy kick, so mustardy machine sauce.

I like that.

You're gonna hint a hint of mustard.

I love mustard.

Jalapenos.

I was at this wedding.

That's good.

They sent out these trucks of mac and cheese with jalapenos in them.

A consortium.

It's a pig wedding.

It's a big old pig wedding, but it was great.

Do you know what I'm addicted to?

One time my friend's lake house.

Crack.

Sorry, I'm undressing and he goes, I'm cracking.

You're not getting the full effect of that joke because the cabin's starting to strip anybody else when she said crack

What I'm addicted to is this time at my friend's lake house brag when what he went ahead and made was fucking from the box mac and cheese calm down chopped up hot dogs in it honey I'm an all-American queen I get rock hard for Higgs and blankets yeah

We should get on to your actual drink choice.

Yeah, so the drink you got a bonus drink from this absolute soft touch over it.

Well, because we had a complaint, you know, you gotta you got to appease the customer sometimes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, if we're really having a nice meal, I'm probably going to have more than one drink, you know,

what's the dream restaurant?

Do you get drunk with your family?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I get drunk with anyone.

It's so fun, isn't it?

Yeah, it was great.

It is good.

Though, yeah, we're like a fun, like, we like to have parties, and we're a fun group.

Are we in your toilet?

Yay!

This is about, he pisses off my bathroom for bringing up the award.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you very much.

Wow, well, fuck me, right?

Yeah, when we recorded it.

Yeah, welcome to New York.

My apartment's very...

For those listening to us,

it's a huge apartment, but I chose to have the best.

James is such a good podcast host that he will wait for guests to get halfway through saying something and then go, Can I wait in your toilet?

Are you not going yet?

Right, look,

you're definitely going to hear it, so what I'm going to do is

have a sit-down wee.

Don't be s I'll sit down

and then you won't be able to hear it as much.

Well, that's you're a worse guest.

Now you've announced that you're going to put your bare butt on a toilet.

That's a sign of respect.

What?

Rubbing your ass on people's stuff.

That's a sign of respect.

I celebrate however you want to piss in my house.

It's beautiful.

I respect you, so I'm going to pull down my trousers and pants and rub my ass on it.

So beautiful to me.

I'm going to put on, I'm going to show you guys what I'm talking about.

In Japan, some of the toilets play music, so no one can hear you go.

I would love to go to Japan.

You can pick the tune and everything.

I would love.

I really would love to go to Japan.

You guys are going to let this in here.

What are we playing?

If you've ever found yourself one evening wandering down a quiet street in the rain, looking for somewhere to take shelter,

you'll know what a blessed relief it is to find such a place as Rain Day Antiques.

Don't you love it?

You right, James?

Oh, I locked myself in at the end.

Right.

Don't say a word.

And the glass between the metal bars is ever so slightly wavy.

This quaint little establishment stays open 24-7,

if you can believe it.

Is anyone else around?

Wait, I actually have to pee.

Is that the craziest thing you've ever heard in your life?

Well, no.

As soon as you put on the reindeer and take

the thing, I really need to pee as well.

You're a guest, you go.

All right.

I'll go first.

Yeah, you go, Ed.

And then we'll all, yeah.

I'm gonna do a sit down.

Honey, we've brought the toilet in here, am I right?

We all gotta go.

Ed's gonna do a really loud and proud one now.

Yeah, tell me.

Assert his dominance as the alpha.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Go on.

How'd I sound?

Very cool.

Yeah, great, actually.

I reckon if I hadn't gone first, I would have been a lot more relaxed about it.

I know.

Okay.

Hey, what's up, guys?

Everyone's everyone.

Hey, guys, we're back in the studio.

Everyone's relieved themselves now.

I feel like a new man.

Yes, I feel like I've let myself down.

Why?

Just the whole thing.

Why do you feel guilty about having a piss?

I should have just done it normally.

I've made such a big deal out of it.

I freaked out.

You did, but maybe that was about...

What was that really about?

So scared about, you know, what people thought of me.

Yeah.

But, you know, no one thinks badly of you for having to urinate.

Yeah, but you know.

You think badly of you?

Seriously, like, James, I do it all the time.

I like to get, like, people, maybe, you maybe look at me and think,

I bet it's silent every time.

Yeah.

It comes out like a gas or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A little gas.

A girl can dream.

We think badly of you because you watch videos of women brushing their hair on the internet.

I don't watch the women brushing their hair.

I watch like men changing tires

and stuff like that.

Oh my God.

What's your drink?

So I've had a martini.

Well, the thing is, if I hadn't had a martini, my other favourite cocktail is like a Manhattan.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Love that, like a sweet whiskey drink.

You ever drank a Manhattan in Manhattan?

Oh, absolutely, all the time.

There's a bar right around the corner.

Bar right around the corner.

I love their Manhattan.

And I love their all.

They give you, if you order olives there, they give you a slow bowl of olives and they put, there's something about it, or they put orange on it or something.

Is it divine?

So, what's your drink with your meal?

Yeah, if I, oh, right.

Well, you know what?

I'd love, I don't really love wine, but what I got into lately is an orange wine, like a natural wine.

Oh, yeah.

So I'd have that.

Natural orange wine?

Study D?

Yeah.

Is that what you mean?

Yeah, that's what they call it.

I've recently got into natural wine as well, and I'm becoming very boring about it.

Because I just feel like just going, I enjoy an orange wine is not a good addition to any conversation when people are trying to have a nice time.

Yeah, but

it is cool.

It is cool.

I don't know enough about it.

Do you know anything about it?

No, I like that it's natural processes and sometimes it looks weird and some people don't like it because it tastes like a farmyard floor and quite cidery.

Kombucha-y, yeah.

Yeah.

I think it doesn't.

Usually wine gives me a headache and I do find that it doesn't give me a saddle.

It's less alcoholic, natural wine.

Okay, I hate it.

Yeah.

I'm like, why have I been spending $17 on it?

Yeah, I think it hovers around like 10%, 11% some of it.

And then...

Well, it's normal wine.

Like 14%.

13, 14.

Okay.

Yeah.

And also, yeah, the processes are more natural, so I think it's got like less sulfites and stuff.

So it's...

Are you really healthy?

No, not particularly.

Are you guys fitness freaks?

Ed is.

I'm not.

Oh, don't be weird.

I went to the gym this morning.

Ed goes five times a week.

If you're traveling and the first morning you go to a gym, I'd say that qualifies as fitness freaks, which I celebrate.

Is there one in the hotel?

There's one across the road from the hotel.

I bought some new trainers today so I can go to the gym with Ed.

Not these ones I've got on now that you're looking at.

I'm not looking at.

You look straight at my trainers.

This is call-out culture is extremely toxic.

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Actually, I never think about underwear.

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And the bras, soft, supportive, and actually breathable.

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Now we come to my favorite course.

Oh, the dessert.

Are you a sweet tooth?

I got a sweet tooth.

Yeah.

I prefer a starter.

Yeah, I'm a savory girl.

Yeah.

What's your favorite dessert?

Fuck off.

Dessert?

I am an absolute whore for a chocolate molten lava cake with vanilla ice cream on it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, you, I mean, is there another answer than that?

Because for me, once again, it's the hot and the cold.

Yeah, it's the hot and cold.

I've never told you all what cold cheese is.

Oh, yeah, we just, you don't give a shit.

But what it is, they give you...

I do care now.

It's this place in Long Island.

They give you a piping hot, fresh cheese slice, and they grab a fistful of cold mozzarella and they throw it on.

And then when you bite into it, it's like this crazy sinister experience of like the hot and the cold melting as you eat it.

It's delicious.

Hold on.

What's the cheese slice then?

Because back home in England, a cheese slice would be just a slice of cheese.

No, a slice of pizza with tomato and cheese.

Thank you.

I think that, I don't know if I'd like that or not.

I didn't think I would, but it was cool.

Because it's like they

panicked and not put enough cheese on, and just at the last minute, just throwing some on.

I think the myth is that someone came in and they were so hungry they had to eat the pizza right away if they didn't want to burn the roof of their mouth.

Like, we'll toss some cold cheese on it, and then

you're safe.

I remember being taught in a school assembly when I was a child in primary school still.

So, what was it, seven or some shit?

And the head teacher told me.

I can't believe you didn't do your catchphrase there.

What's that?

What are you?

Seven?

What am I?

Seven

in England.

Yeah.

Oh!

Where?

Chips are called crisps.

Fuck off.

Hey, could you fuck off?

Right, so

Mr.

Brown, you know Mr.

Brown?

No.

Head teacher at St.

Andrew's

at St Andrew's Primary School.

Oh, now, yes, of course.

Mr.

Brown, yeah.

Gets up, and this is the whole assembly.

He goes,

once back in the 20s or something

a man went into a diner and he ordered some

chips, which is

you call them fries or and the chef makes them and he brings them out and they send them out and the guy's like these aren't crisp enough I want them crisper and he sends them back and he cooks them for a bit longer and he sends them back out again he goes

not crisp enough I want them crisper than this and this goes on for ages the whole assembly was it but it was this back and forth and every time the the chips came out he said these aren't crisp enough i want them crisper and eventually the guy was like so angry with this customer that he put them in there for ages and they sent him back out again and the waiter said the chef says you want them crisp you got them crisp and then that's how crisps were invented

because he made it he put the chips so far in the fire for so long that they just got so thin that they were like potato chips as you would call them

and uh and that's how crisps were invented because he said you want them crisp you got them crisp and that was a whole assembly.

Story sucks.

Oh, James.

And I'm so moved.

What was that?

Well, we were talking about the

origin story of cold cheese.

Cold cheese.

And it reminded me of the origin story of crisps.

But did you hear how Catherine did her origin story was, apparently, someone didn't want to burn the roof of their mouth because they were so hungry to put the cold cheese on.

Bang, done.

In and out.

Yours, very long.

And also, you're just the worst story to tell in America because chips mean crisps and crisps mean...

Yeah.

Well, it's the worst episode to have to tell it on because I had to translate it as I went along.

Oh,

I really shouldn't be here.

I shouldn't have been here for that.

I really shouldn't have been here for that.

It wasn't right.

Well, it's good.

Something like that.

You're not going to be accepting responsibilities.

Charps and loops.

Refreshing, actually.

Goops and loops.

Y'all know here we call goops loops.

I know you called goops loops.

Yeah, well, a little modern secret.

Where in New York does the best molten lava cake with villain rice?

Yeah, um, I don't know, but what I do know actually is that last weekend when we all went to the Smith, we, my click, um, I got a hot fudge Sunday there, and that was great.

Yeah, that was really good, but that's not what you asked, no, but it's part of my story.

I'm weaving a tapestry that is my life.

Um, I don't know where you get molten cake, but it's a holiday.

Hey, if y'all are listening, please, please, please do not slide into my DMs.

Please tell me, where can a girl get a molten cake in New York?

so I'm gonna major order back to you now, see how you feel about it.

You would like um sparkling water in the hydro flask drum.

Um

you would like uh hot cheesy puff bread

you would like a dirty martini with ice on top and uh free olives in it.

It would come out before your starter.

You would like the burrata for the starter with some fresh tomatoes, uh like in a like heritage,

different colours.

Different colours.

With some basil.

Funky shapes.

Basil or basil.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

You're really assimilating.

Thank you very much.

Main course, French dip sandwich from Houston's.

Side, mac and cheese in a little boat.

Penne, mac and cheese.

Drink, natural orange wine.

Kill me.

Dessert chocolate molten lava cake with vanilla ice cream.

Yeah, sounds great.

How do you feel about that?

It sounds wonderful.

I just, I wish I knew what you guys were having.

Oh, no.

We have the same, don't we?

James is the waiter, so he just eats over the bin in the kitchen.

Yeah.

Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Oh, it was the best time of my entire life.

Thank you so much.

And there we have it.

Oh,

what a great start to our New York excursion.

What a great start.

It was the first one we recorded in New York.

We didn't know what to expect.

And it was such a wonderful wonderful welcome to the large apple.

The large, large apple.

Thank you, Kevin, and thank you for not saying the bubble tea

was so scared of.

Thank you so much.

That would have made me feel sick, even if I just had to imagine it.

Yes, I would have loved it, though.

So as a special thank you to Catherine, we're now going to plug a number of her projects.

And why not?

Catherine has a podcast with a comedian called Pat Regan.

It is called Seek Treatment.

It's about sex.

About sexual intercourse.

Also, Also, she's coming to London, the British Isles, to perform her solo show, The Twist.

She's gorgeous.

And what's it called, James?

It's called The Twist.

She's gorgeous, please.

She's having a bit of fun with you.

That's a bush.

That's a Bush Hall in Shepherd's Bush on March 11th and 12th.

Although, tickets are looking scarce, you better get on it right now.

You better get on it.

She's a very popular comic, and rightly so.

Hey, James, thanks for another wonderful episode of the Off Menu Podcast.

Thank you, Ed.

And Benito, See you next time, little buddy.

Bye, Benito.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.