Best of 2019

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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James, it's the end of 2019.

What a year it's been.

It has.

It's flown by, mate.

It goes so quickly the years.

It does indeed, which means it's the end of off-menu for 2019.

We'll, of course, be back in 2020.

Absolutely.

It's mad, isn't it?

2020.

2020.

Who thought?

I never

futuristic sounding year.

Oh, it is.

It's a very futuristic sounding year, but that's not why we're here today to look forward.

We're here to look back, James.

Oh, so many good memories, Ed.

This podcast has been going for just over a year now, and I wish we could just reminisce.

I wish there was some recorded evidence, you know, some record of this podcast so we could listen back to all the best bits.

James, I don't think you know what a podcast is.

Something me and you and Benito do in a room, and then word of mouth gets around No,

we've been recording these

That's why why do you think we've got these things in front of us

for kissing You have been practicing kissing on that have you?

Yeah,

I kiss this all the time.

That's why the edits take so long because Benito has to edit all your kissing.

Oh Well, what do you mean edit?

Yeah, he edits the podcast because this is all recorded.

We speak to the guests in a recorded environment and then we put that out to the public.

That's how people know about it.

It's not just Benito tries to remember what we say and then just goes and spreads it around the town.

Someone tells someone else, I thought that was what it was.

No, this is not Chinese whispers.

That's why Benito's here.

No, no, no, no.

He's not the town crier.

Oh, I've been telling everyone you're the town crier.

So, James, today what we're doing is we're doing a best of.

We're going to play loads of brilliant clips, our favorite clips from across the whole year and indeed the end of 2018.

All the off-menu episodes, and we've got a little compilation of all of our favourite bits.

So we say our best memories and then Benito recites them to us?

No, because we've recorded it.

Ed, are you sure it's not 2020 already?

I feel like I'm in the future.

Welcome to the future.

I think this episode will be a lovely gift for someone who hasn't heard off menu before.

Perhaps they want to know the flavour of off menu.

What's it all about?

Well, play them this, because this is a mega compilation of all of our favourite bits.

Oh, so many favourite bits.

Or indeed, if you remember all of these episodes, but just want to have a nice reminisce without scanning through for your favourite bits, bang this on here.

You want to reminisce a little bit?

Hey, what do you reminisce about first ed what kind of stuff well you know quite often on off menu james uh the guests have taken the uh surroundings of the dream restaurant to the max they've invented their own foods right or they've eaten very innovative dishes that they remember oh yeah i remember like scuba's pip did that characterist matthews jordan banjo even dynamo he did and that's a great intro for this package of clips

And I might have to come in the kitchen and make it for you because when I worked in Pizza, I invented, my name in real life is David Meads.

I stopped using that name not for stage, but when I worked in HV, I was known as Pip, in loads of other places, I was known as Pip, but in Pizza Rutt, I was still known as David Meads.

And then I invented the Meadsy base.

So I'm going to have a Meadsy base on the side of the city.

A meadsy base.

And the way I created that, and I'm going to create a case.

We will need to tell the kitchen how to make this.

I've written this down.

You do thin crust pizzas here, right?

Yes.

So slap out a thin crust,

sprinkle it with cheese, then pop another thin crust on top of it.

So we've got this cheese-encased base.

Now, the problem you're probably thinking there is, but Pip, the cheese is going to bubble out of the sides.

How do you seal that?

Stuff the crust, mate.

Stuff the crust, fold it over, stuff the crust.

So we've got a stuffed crust.

So cheese in the crust and in the base.

Yeah, and then the toppings, the sauce, then the toppings on top.

So you've got a stuffed base pizza.

What cheese are you putting in there?

Again, I've gone for the four cheese mix because it's again a smoother blend.

It gives a nice smooth melt.

So you've had that on the garlic, right?

Yeah,

and now that's in the main course as well.

It's exactly what's going on.

I'm looking forward to hearing what the dessert's going to be.

It's in the main course as well.

Is it going to be cheesecake?

Who knows?

What I love the best about cocking is that you can have relatively small amounts of ingredients.

This one particular is just three.

But when you put them together, it's more than the sum of its parts.

So your three ingredients are tiaria,

vodka,

and half a pint of Guinness.

Oh, God, yes, right?

I'm not being funny, but when you get yourself a half pint, you pour in a shot of tiaria, you pour in your shot of vodka, and you fill it up with your Guinness,

ideally from the draft, yes, or with a widget.

If you, you know, we can have draft, it's the dream restaurant, it's the draft.

If you separate

chocolate,

pure chocolate, And it's called Death by Chocolate.

Oh, oh, lovely.

Very nice.

I like a sweet boozy cocktail.

Yeah, I'm a peanut ladder man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, like, yeah, some of it just tastes perfectly like chocolate, but it's actually three types of booze pretty great.

Yeah, and it um tell you who gave me that recipe was Ian Brown from the Stone Roses.

Did he now?

Yeah,

and it it's best best gift you can give somebody is a gift of ideas like that.

Yeah, that stay with you all your life.

And if you don't like Christmas shopping, that's you go into an old pub and you have a half a pint of that stuff, or even two, and then you lose it, then you lose all the history.

No, and then it makes Christmas shopping kind of bearable because you just don't care.

Have you guys ever been to Man versus Food in Heathrow?

No,

what there's a Man versus Food?

So like the program.

Like, is it official?

Is it official?

I don't know if it's official, but they've got that.

I'm probably going to get them closed down now and sued for using them, but there's a restaurant.

It's literally called Man vs.

Food.

And they have like all these different dishes in there.

No, no, it's like about 10-15 minutes from the airport.

Oh, okay.

You know that when you say Heathro, we think of the airport.

I'll tell you what.

You know where?

Have you guys ever been to Sky?

You know, like the huge, like, it's like a little city in there where they record all their programs and stuff.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

You know that it's opposite that Tesco.

It's literally right there.

Right, okay.

Okay.

So in there, we went for a stag doing it.

Everyone had to try a different challenge so a couple of the boys tried this thing i think it's called fire in the hole so there's so that it's like all there's loads of challenges

all food challenges all food challenges

so there's like a three foot hot dog there's like all this crazy stuff you have time limits and their their biggest challenge is called the gut buster and it's a it's a burger that weighs i think it's just over half a stone so people normally people order it as a birthday cake so it comes out and i don't mean like a normal like a little birthday cake you see like this and it's it's like really tall as well um and it's got, it's stupid, it's got like three packs of cheese in it.

They have to use two bottles of ketchup.

It is insane.

And

we all try, so the burger costs, I think it's like 60 quid.

And if you finish it, they give you 250 pounds and your whole table eats for free.

But obviously, I think five of us bought a burger and none of us.

One each.

One each.

One each.

Not one of us, not one of us got close to finishing it.

Of course you didn't.

There's three packs of cheese in it.

Basically, not one of us got close.

I had like,

I think I got about a third.

The closest person was one of our friends called Mitch, and he's, I think he's five, he's five foot four, and he ate the burger's as big as him, and he pretty much ate the entire thing.

It was insane.

Hold on, so how close did Mitch get?

Mitch get, I'm talking about like, there was probably a normal-sized burger left.

What's he playing at?

250 quid of the whole meal.

Everyone has spent 60 quid on a burger.

Mitch Cartner's forced out of burgers.

Although

he couldn't finish it but that's what that's what i want because the burger itself you know if you think if you think you've got to cook a patty that big it's going to be like not very cooked nicely on the inside on the outside i don't know how they do it but it is cooked so good imagine a giant five guys burger yeah i love who does anyone here like five guys meet this is a constant debate between me and ed okay who are you repping well i sort of shake shack i enjoyed more when i had it shake shack's good but i've never had it in england i only had it in

me too So

I'm thinking of eating it in the States and eating five guys in the States.

And I've had five guys here and I think it's fine.

And I think the chips are nice.

Okay, but all about the toppings.

Yeah, but I've said this to you a million times.

Five guys is about choosing the right toppings.

Once you find the right combination of toppings, it's a samazy.

A burger shouldn't be about the toppings, it should be about the burger.

Ah, here we go.

The eternal debate.

Yeah, it should be about the quality of the patty, James.

The patty's great.

If you're going, oh, stick six different toppings on there, all you're doing is masking a bad patty.

No, no, no, no, not at all.

It's complimenting the patty.

It all complements each other.

And then, like, look, I've been in Shape Shack and got their burgers, and they're all right.

I think their patties are too thin, personally.

He has got a point in it out.

I don't mind lots of thin patties.

There's places that do like smashed patties that you can...

Lots of thin patties.

In-and-out's the best.

I told you that.

Oh, see, I wasn't a huge...

I was so disappointed with In-N-Out burger.

So, because it was good, but I was like, this is just a burger.

Like, everyone spoke about it.

Like, if you go LA and you don't get an In-N-Out, there's something wrong with your mixing out.

It's got cult status, but I prefer a thicker patty anyway.

I'd prefer to go to something like Honest Burger or Patty and Bun.

No, something like that.

Absolutely not.

I like

Honest Burger and Five and all that stuff.

I was like, that's fine.

I'm not into them as much.

I thought, I think for a while, I was like, okay, but I think they're too filling.

And they're not as, like, when Jordan Jordan described that flavour of that burger then yeah, like you say I imagine like five guys and stuff like that.

What that one's not too filling

Jordan's burger The 60 quid birthday cake size burger is not too filling mixture all right

See I thought it'd be really cool right to to have like a Sunday roast sandwich where the the the sandwich is actually the Yorkshire pudding and then you have like some Yorkshire pudding type

is it is it it's not dough is it it's like what batter batter yeah so like Yorkshire pudding batter as a there's a top and bottom and then you have like the the roast beef maybe some roast chicken and then you have the potato roast potatoes kind of mushed up in between there with a bit of a gravy drizzled over the top and I think that's like you know that could be like a whole new thing that'd be a great sandwich

now I've I've seen somewhere I can't remember where it was

what show it was and whereabouts in the country it was but there is a place that does Yorkshire pudding wraps.

So, what they do is they bake the Yorkshire pudding batter just not in the normal shapes.

So, it's just a sheet of Yorkshire pudding.

And then they put in like roast dinner stuff, and they think they do like a cooked breakfast one as well, and roll it up.

So, you've got just like a wrap, a Yorkshire pudding wrap.

If anybody in the country knows where this place is, right,

tweet me or Instagram me or whatever.

All of us, hit us all up.

Dynamo Magician, you can find me.

You know, i'm about let us know uh because i want to go to this restaurant so bad

i'm there like this sounds like like sorry i know you guys are gonna dream up my dream meal yeah but i think ed's already found it yeah yeah that's it that's the one

whoa whoa whoa whoa

i think uh i think the gutbuster burger from jordan banjo and the revelation of mitch is one of my favorite things that's ever been on the podcast you liked it very much when Jordan tweeted a photo of Mitch afterwards, and you got to see how short Mitch was.

Yeah, because Jordan said, my friend Mitch is quite short.

And obviously, we all go, we all make fun of our friends sometimes.

And even if they're a little bit short, we'll be like, oh, you're a little short one.

And Jordan's very tall, so a lot of people are short.

Mitch is real short.

Imagining him eating a gutbuster burger is hilarious.

Very funny.

You can go on Twitter, you can probably track down that picture, but he was the same height as a Gutbuster Burger was.

Also, shout out to Dynamo for the Yorkshire pudding wraps, but I still don't like Yorkshire pudding.

I had a Yorkshire pudding wrap on Dynamo's recommendation.

It was absolutely delicious.

I loved it so much.

Thank you, Dynamo.

I had it in Leeds

from the Yorkshire Pudding Wrap Company.

And I've got to say as well, I don't know if you wouldn't have seen this because you're not on Twitter anymore, James.

I was tweeted yesterday by the Yorkshire Pudding Festival offering us a role as judges at the Yorkshire Pudding Festival.

I hope you said yes.

I have ignored it.

So, quite often, James, guests have revealed amazing things about themselves.

That's what this podcast is not credited for.

People always think about the food, but what this podcast actually does is it gets the big celebrity scoops.

We've had revelations from so many people from Rose McGowan to Ashland B from Serge from Kazabian to Daro Brian, Loyal Carner, and even Krishnan Guru Murphy.

Well, that's good that you've listed those people because that's exactly who features in this tiny package.

Coincidence.

I'm what they call a super taster.

I have extraordinary taste pubs, but no, but things that are very mild tasting tasting to other people taste like a lot to me oh is this an actual thing I've never heard of a super taster this is a

diagnosed thing and you're a super taster yeah that's awesome yeah so things like tapioca which tastes like nothing to most people I think tastes like a lot to me wow so this kind of explains as well why you don't like too many ingredients gourmet food too many ingredients for that it's it's literally too much for me almost yeah when did you find out you were a super taster about five years ago i I did a series of tests at Harvard actually, because I lost my smell in a freak accident, my sense of smell, but they were studying me because I could still taste.

Right.

Oh, wow.

Which is, you know, it's normally interrelated.

And I got hit in the head with a car door in a freak valet accident in Los Angeles.

You know how that happens.

Yes.

And it knocked, if you get hit, I guess, because I know a snowboarder, the same thing, he hit his head in this one same spot.

And it just, he could still taste as well.

Right.

But he also hit his head again, like a year later, and it came back.

So I'm hoping that if I just get in the freak car accident again, just keep looking for clumsy valets.

Just keep looking for clumsy valets.

Well, so you're so

cardor, hit your head, you lost a sense of smell.

But then, is that when you became a super taster?

Or were you a super taster before?

I think I might have been before, but you don't notice it as much with a sense of smell.

It's a cool

origin story if you became a super taster before.

I think I did because before I never noticed, but afterwards, everything became kind of like a taste explosion and too much.

Oh, there's a comic book in that as well.

It's crazy as well because I thought the sense of smell

would enhance,

would make things taste better.

It's all connected, right?

Yeah.

Right.

But instead, losing it made you the super taster.

For me, yes.

Wow.

But that's also why they were studying me at Harvard Medical School, because, but then my doctor died of a brain tumor and that study ended.

Sorry, rest in peace.

Wow.

That's

why that twist.

You did not build us up to that in any way.

No, I'm sorry.

I just

brought Debbie Downer right there.

yeah

here's an interesting thing if you want another celebrity fact because you know i'm i'm absolutely being totally hollywood yeah arriving 20 minutes late

which you still get to apologize to me for

um so i'm working on this netflix show at the moment with paul rudder

and i don't think he'll mind me telling this because i i think it's matt paul doesn't like sauces what that is fairly odd.

What a weird Hollywood film.

No mustard.

No, yeah.

We've gone for food and we're eating together lunches and stuff.

He doesn't, no vinaigrettes, no mustard, no ketchup ed.

I'm talking about a man who'll order chips or fries as we call them.

So you seat them dry?

Dry.

Chicken, dry.

Everything, dry.

No sauces.

Big bowl of sand, please, for Paul Rose.

Does he not order dishes at all?

He orders things.

Well, he'd order things, and can I get no sauce over that?

Or like, does it come with mustard or anything?

Or he'd have a burger, no ketchup or mustard, right?

What the nearest thing to a sauce would be mustard.

What brings you, Joy Paul Rudd?

Absolutely nothing, dryness.

I remember, like, and I still got this to this day.

This just a little example of how bad it was.

Like, I can't, I couldn't eat if a magician was on the telling.

What are you talking about?

Still to this day, it freaks me.

I know that I'm not often surprised, Serge.

I think, you know, working in comedy quite often, you can sort of of see where the left turns are going to come in.

That took me by surprise.

Honestly, like, it's not even, it's not even like...

Every now and again, you know, like a Sunday, there'd be like a magician.

It was more of those dove ones, you know, the 80s ones.

Yeah, with the white gloves and stuff.

Still now.

And you know what?

The next level is the unmasked magician.

That does me even more.

The guy with the white mask.

The props and the leather and the face paint.

paint and still I could go now like makes me bath man.

So you wouldn't get to eat if there's a magician on the tele'cause it made you feel sick.

Yeah, yeah, but I and I would, like, I would gag, like, it'd be bad, man.

Like, I'd be round mates' houses and they'd bring food and I'd be like,

ah, bad.

Once again, they're watching a m a magic.

Maybe if there was a magician on the telly, that was.

Would they know?

Would they do it on purpose?

They'd like order a pizza magic.

No, they would just thought

they would just like they would just use take the piss, like a weird kid coming round that don't eat anything.

If there's a piece of it.

Just give them a slice of white bread and it'd be fine.

But did they all know about the magician thing?

No, that's coming.

I kept it quiet just so they wouldn't put Paul Daniels on when when I came around.

Yeah, yeah, you wouldn't want Paul Daniels on.

David Copperfield,

weird, man.

That's kind of the level I was at.

Oh, man.

I've never, I mean, just the props.

I don't know.

You know, the look of them, I can smell them.

I think I've got some like thing.

Yeah.

You know, you see, like, colour, like,

some weird homesensitive thing.

Yeah.

Synesthesia, is it?

It's when you see colour.

It's the only summit.

It's not a little bit of a small.

Yeah, synesthesia is when you can see

colours.

Whatever that is, but

version.

Yeah, you've got that, but

you can smell a magician.

You can smell a magician.

You see a magician, you can

smell all of his kits.

Yes.

Oh, man.

No, I know that all the bits smells like.

That's disgusting.

Imagine what it smells like inside that box they get cut in half, man.

Oh, yeah, that's sweaty and horrible.

I know.

You imagine what it smells like in the box when they get cut in half.

And

I've got my writing wine.

Right, okay.

Writing wines, and then I've got, you know, their writing wines are quite different either to drinkers or to

their ones.

I don't know if you write with wine.

No, but I love this.

I love that they do.

I imagine you put some spectacles on and get a glass of wine.

Well, I put spectacles on because I need to wear spectacles.

That is the thing.

You've not seen them publicly, but they only, like, I mean,

we've just increased the font size on the audio queue, but eventually that will run out and I will have to unleash my glasses.

I only got glasses in the last year,

and I have for some reason stumbled on wireframe glasses which are either Swedish architect or Nazi bad guy in Race of the Lost Ark.

That's somewhere between those two looks.

But no,

there's a mirrorless Rubicon, which is South African wine, which is my choice of

writing wine.

It's not too expensive, you know.

And by two glasses in, the stuff is kind of flowing.

And then on the fourth glass, I'm just

so happy with how good it was an hour earlier and God I used to be so funny then and the fifth glass is like I really should I've really got there's nothing good happening here so I find because I don't know if you're like there's only a small window of useful time when you're writing stuff I think yeah yeah creatively you can create for a couple of hours really usefully so I time that with wine Yeah, you have a little treat alongside it.

Because then you have to react off something as well if you're sitting sitting on your own, just to knock yourself slightly off your axis with a little bit of, you know, get a little bit of a buzz and then get enough to drink.

I honestly recommend it.

It's a great thing.

We can see my next show as we go,

you don't

perform it drunk.

But it just for the.

Well, if you write it, if you write it drunk, I think you're going to have to have performing wine as well.

Yeah, yeah.

Never thought of performing wine.

Performing wine.

Level of comfort that even I didn't think to bring to it.

Do you believe in

beer then wine feeling fine, wine then beer, old deer?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that is usually like I'll just go out of bed and save that till later.

Yeah.

Have a few beers and then.

Yeah.

About ten.

And then

because you are a rapper, do you feel like you have to agree with everything that rhymes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, pretty much.

Because if someone posts you with a rhyme like that, you have to believe it.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Oh, that was just me saying the rhyme, by the way.

I wasn't trying to start a battle.

No, no, that's cool, that's cool, that's cool.

If you do want to battle it anytime, you can.

It's fine.

But that's the only rhyme I know.

So whatever you say to me, I'll just say wine then beer it?

And those other rhymes.

You know, whoever smelt it dealt it.

Yeah.

That's a big one.

That's one of the few that I don't.

That's one of the only rhymes that I don't believe in.

Yeah, yeah, that, yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Because it's rubbish, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's just when you.

No one has ever farted and then gone, oh, who did that?

And then drawn attention to it.

No one's ever done that.

Yeah, it's never the moment.

That would be such a stupid move.

Yeah, that's a good one.

Does everyone go, you

yeah, yeah.

You obviously did that.

You did it.

But then also, what is equally stupid is whoever did the rhyme did the crime.

Because you just did a rhyme.

So what the hell is that?

It should be whoever did the rhyme did a fart.

And then it's like, okay, yeah, good point.

Because I guess you're not rhyming.

But I did rhyme a minute ago and I said whoever smelt it dealt it.

That would be a great.

I'd love to go and do a rap battle one day and just do those rhymes back to those.

That's what said to me.

Yeah.

Just pointed them.

Yeah.

I might just go to the rap battle and not even do a point at them and say, you've this guy farted

and just say that every time.

Beans beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot.

Yeah.

That was true.

You really are

like a battle rapper.

Yeah, right.

I don't want to get into it.

We all feel like

a bit on edge.

We're in the crossfight, eight mile.

Here it is.

That would be a better version of eight mile.

Have you done rap battles before?

Only with friends.

Only with your mattress.

I used to be friends before I beat them.

Yeah, destroyed them.

No, I did.

When I was much younger, when I was in primary school, that used to happen every lunchtime.

Oh, cool.

But that was just obviously stupid stuff.

No, I haven't.

Me and my friend talked about doing it together

as a double act.

But I don't know, as soon as you start making any sort of noise about what you're doing, you have, I don't know, too much to lose.

But yeah, you know, if anyone ever wrote anything for me, I'd have to write something back.

So that's just.

Yeah.

Is there anyone in particular who you would like to have a map battle with?

Do you know?

I'd actually like to have a rap battle with my old English teacher.

Yes.

Because he was a poetry wizard.

Ah.

And I reckon that it would be intense.

Because I've got a lot of stuff on him.

He's also got a lot of stuff on me, you know.

Yeah.

But I've probably got more on him.

Do you want to call him out now?

Do you want to use this as a platform to call him out?

No, I don't.

Do you know what?

No, because I think he might actually beat me.

I don't.

I actually don't.

This guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Mark Grist.

Oh, yeah, that did.

It has happened, hasn't it?

That was Blizzard.

Blizzard battled Mark Grist.

That was a long time ago.

Mark Grist going around.

Everyone thought it was really great.

I watch it back now, and I'm like, Mark Grist ain't that tough.

Yeah, yeah, no,

he didn't really have it.

At the time, he did, because I was like, oh god, I'm 14 and there's a teacher of rat battling.

That was pre-Brexit.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you know how?

Now I watch it and I'm like, fuck it, what's your game?

I know who I'd rap battle.

Yeah?

Romash Ranger Nathan.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We can organize it.

I think he's rusty as well.

He's been out.

But if he thinks he's wicked, I'd annihilate him.

Yes.

I might text him actually after this and tell him that it's on.

Actually, you text him and tell him that I'm gonna give him

with pleasure.

Yeah, fuck that guy.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess he tells us about hip-hop.

I'm still pro curly fries.

Yeah, lovely.

You don't see them.

I'm trying to think where I've just seen them.

It's complete now.

They're starting to kind of like, yeah.

I can't recall having curly fries.

Wow.

You've never had them.

There's a place in Hammersmith Grove.

I'm trying to think where I may have had curly fries.

I can't think.

I don't know why they're not on every menu that has chips.

The sweet potato fries are big now.

I don't know why curly fries aren't available.

Curly fries are better.

I would choose curly fries over sweet potato fries in a heartbeat.

In a heartbeat.

So they've always got like occasion seasoning on them.

Seasoning's great.

So great.

Oh, mama mia.

Are they curly as in just curly, as in a chip that's curved?

It's like a spring.

No, they're spirals.

They're coiled like a spring.

Yeah, they're coiled like a spring.

Yeah.

So you get different textures.

I've never seen that.

It's crispy on the air.

I've never seen it.

Hold on.

Where do you eat?

I've never seen a curly fry.

I've never seen a curly fry.

Yeah, where do you eat that?

Are you even know that was a curly friend before you.

No!

We are getting exclusives on this podcast.

Krishna Guru Berthy has never seen a curly fry before.

I've just heard about a curly fry for the first time.

We're telling Krishna the news.

Well, you must have not been in the news game that day, Krishna.

When they got curly fries.

You must have been out.

Edwards was in that day.

He knows all about girls.

He's all over curly fries.

No, seriously, where did you get a a curly fry well you can get well this is a good question

you can buy them uh and take them home so they're then the supermarkets in bags oh i see you but you can also get them in uh there's some like i would say there's a lot of um

places that are like you know like family uh pub places that have like maybe soft play areas and stuff would have that have it as an item on the menu like why an upgrade to curly fries why don't you have curly fries

50p extra or whatever

have some curly fries okay do they have like periperi salt on them or something like that uh kind of a spicy cake

Here is a sentence I never thought I'd say.

I'm about to show Krishnan Guru Murthy a picture of a curly fry.

Oh, okay, here we go.

That's what we're talking about.

Oh, that doesn't look nice.

The first time you've seen it.

First time you've seen a curly fry.

That is a particularly long curly fry.

That's not long.

That is a big one.

That's a really long one.

That's the size of a jugbo sausage, yeah.

And thank you very much, everyone who has tweeted Krishnan Guru Murthy since this episode went out.

Yep, saying, What about these ones?

What about these ones?

And people still do it.

It's really funny.

I really love seeing that people are only listening to it for the first time and tweeting him out in the blue, saying, What about these ones?

And hopefully, this will reignite that.

Tweet Krishnan Guru Murthy with a picture of Curly Fry, say, What about these ones?

Yes, yes, please.

Ah, some great, great revelations there.

Uh, you know, what I love just as much as revelations, right?

It's anecdotes.

I love Riverton stories.

We are the Parkinson and Jonathan Ross of Foodbased Podcasts.

That is correct.

We get out the good anecdotes.

And Graeme Norton.

Shout out to Graeme Norton.

Yeah.

Benito Graeme Norton.

So, Graeme Norton, Jonathan Ross, and Michael Parkinson.

Yes.

All mixed up.

So

we've had some great anecdotes on the Off Menu podcast.

Not least of all from Jamie Dimitri, Tom Allen, and Phil Wang.

Oh, let's have a listen.

I've got a

question for you about something that I know you've eaten and that I've seen you eat.

I wanted to know what it was like.

James has been watching you for many weeks.

Yes.

What was the marmalade sandwich like in Paddington 2?

Oh, right.

Okay.

Well,

you made it look really nice.

Do you know what?

It was...

You've eaten a Paddington sandwich.

It's surprisingly phenomenal.

I mean, they were...

You actually have marmalade in it?

Yeah.

So you're in a proper marmalade sandwich, weren't you?

Yeah.

I tell you what, it was such a relief as well because,

I mean, by the way, for any listeners you won't know I'm in Paddington because I'm in it for one second but I played a prisoner in that and there's scene where so the prisoners are livid because they have to eat gruel all the time

and I mean as authentic as they wanted to make the marmalade delicious they made the gruel disgusting.

It was like a quinoa a cold sludgy quinoa porridge with like bits that you couldn't identify in it.

But we had to eat it because there were like loads of close-ups where they all they wanted to get was like you eating the food.

And there's a few scenes where I'm sat next to Paddington.

I got a two-shot with Paddington.

But yeah, so the gruel was like disgusting.

And then the scene comes where Paddington makes everyone's sandwiches and they're fucking nice.

Can we swear on this?

Yeah.

Yeah, fuck.

I mean, it was

perfect marmalade.

I'm actually really happy to hear this.

A certain like.

That the Paddington sandwiches are as nice as you can.

James, I'm just, I've got a star.

I'm calling bullshit on this.

I know I'm in trouble.

Wait, wait.

This is is such a massive turnaround for you.

For years, James refused to watch the Paddington films.

Oh, really?

Well, the first one.

And then, because he thought the bear was weird and creepy.

Shifty and creepy.

Shifty and creepy.

Shifty isn't creepy.

And I was like, mate, you've got to watch Paddington.

It's a fucking brilliant film.

He's like, no, absolutely not.

It's shifty and creepy.

I hate that bear.

Yeah.

That's what I said.

And

I'll stand by it.

You don't stand by it?

Because then you went and watched.

Have you seen the first one?

Shifty and creepy.

I watched both of them in one day over Christmas and I loved them.

They were so beautiful.

funny.

It was perfect film.

It was amazing.

Yeah, the second one, especially.

Yeah.

Oh, I love it so much.

Every single bit in it was amazing.

I got over the fact that the bear is the creepiest thing in the world.

Where's the shift?

Where's the shiftiness?

The shifty eyes.

His eyes are all shifty.

His eyes are all shifty.

He is a very magical bear.

He's all shifty, and he's a very creepy.

So I'm just going to call bullshit on this.

You can't come out repping for Paddington suddenly.

Well, I can.

Hey, this is a good

thing to do in this day and age.

So many people now refusing to change their opinions and

arguing with each other.

I'm just showing people you can do a turnaround short.

Oh sure.

People will criticise you for changing your opinions, but you know, I think I'm right now.

I think that those Paddington films are magical and wonderful.

And I also think I was right to initially think the bear was shifty and creepy.

I'm 17 years old.

I've taken the day off school because I've told the school I'm going to go and look at university in Exeter.

What I'm actually doing is I'm truanting with my next door neighbours Jean and Dennis and my mum and dad.

Hollow?

Gene and Dennis?

Yes.

How old are they?

About 90 at the moment.

90?

Jeannie's 90.

Dennis is 90, Gene is bigger than 20 years ago.

When you were 70,

you were truanting.

How old were they at the time?

Early 70s?

You were truanting with a couple in their elderly 70s.

60s, 70s, yeah.

Gene and Dennis.

Gene and Dennis from the star.

Yeah.

What identity was in Venice?

I think you've got...

You've got to know what details in the stories need expanded on.

Aren't as normal as you think.

I was truanting with my neighbours, Gene and Dennis.

I don't think that's truanting.

What is it?

Well, going away with some responsible adults.

Okay, fine.

Yeah.

I guess if you were.

I mean, were they like, you know, join a bunk off?

That's bunk off school.

They came around the school gate.

No,

it was arranged with my mum and dad, who were coming as well.

So they were there as well?

Yeah, they were also part of the school.

So

why did you lie to the school?

Because I was embarrassed to say, he's have a day off so I can go out to lunch.

So I said,

I'm going to go to Exeter University to have a look round on the open day.

Knowing full well I had no intention of going all that way to university.

I didn't even want to go to university by that point.

But I was prepared to use it.

I never went to university.

So the four gang?

There's five of us.

Yep, Jean Dennis, mum, dad, me.

The Truance.

The Truance.

The Truance.

Absconding, not only from the school, but from the country.

From the country?

Because we were going to France.

We got up very early.

We got in the car.

I think my dad may have borrowed a car at this point from his friend.

So it's a slightly bigger.

We went down, we got the early ferry

on which we had a croissant, which to me at this point was extremely...

one might say impossibly glamorous.

Then we arrived in Calais, right?

We then went to a

supermarche.

What a truant day.

That's the best.

Truanting.

For the most part.

Most people do truant.

They're like, you know, they go down a car park and throw rocks at cars and stuff.

Or like they hang around smoking with their mates.

You guys went to France with Gene and Jennis.

You learned the word super marche.

You did more schoolwork on your truant day than you would have done with it.

I wasn't even doing A-level French.

Do you know what I mean?

Very, very dedicated.

We went to the Supermarche, we stocked up on French produce,

wines,

and then we went for lunch at a restaurant, which I restaurant, which I believe still stands called La Chanel,

the Channel,

right on the harbour side on France,

on Calais.

A Calais?

Dons la Calais.

We were Trouanting.

We Troant.

The restaurant.

Jeanne and Denis.

Do you know what?

Dennis has only got one in.

So he is Denis.

He is Denis.

And

we went in there, right?

Dennis speaks a bit of French because he went motorbiking around France after the end of the Second World War.

Of course, he did.

A little victory lap.

I'm picturing that.

On a motorbike.

And so he speaks a bit French.

And we went in there.

And it was a classically formal French restaurant, restaurant.

Have you ever been to one like that, James?

I think you have, because I think your parents went to France.

A really formal one.

I don't think I have been to a really formal French restaurant.

Ed Gamble, have you been?

I feel like I have been.

They're sort of like high-back chairs,

very crisp white linen, a great formality of the service, which is an easy elegance about it.

Yeah.

Sit down in the window.

I didn't know what to make of it.

I was like, I've never been in a restaurant like this before.

An upholstered chair like it, I'd never been in it.

And then your teacher stormed in, Tom Allen!

Get back into class!

I can't believe this!

I'm after the ferry here.

We followed you!

Hide your honey with your mouth!

And I was dragged back.

No.

Dennis ordered a Givestra Mina.

Because

it's an Alsace wine.

And it's French, not Gevestra Meine.

Because Alsace, of course, very contentious area.

If you know the Second World War.

And.

Which Dennis did, of course.

Which Dennis did.

And

Givestra Minet, delicious wine.

And I was ordered the Fruit de Mer.

Have you ever had the Fruit de Mer?

Fruits of the Sea, if you have a merry merit.

Fruits of the Sea.

If you will.

Seafood.

Seafood.

If you want to be unbearably plebeian.

I'm just for our listener who might not have had Fruit de Mer before.

Fruit de Mer.

Tom had Fruit de Mer at Jean and Denis when he was renting from École.

I sent back my first ever bottle of wine in New York at a restaurant.

Yeah, he sent back.

Sat

it was.

I don't think I've ever met anyone who sent a bottle back apart from my dad and I assume that was just him being difficult.

I think I was being difficult because it was an expensive bottle of wine.

Yeah.

Although because it was at a restaurant, it might have retailed for like $30 and they pumped it up to $150 or whatever.

And

it was a cigar, it was

a hermitage.

And I tasted it and I thought,

it'll probably mellow out.

And I thought, yeah, that's fine.

So you didn't do it at that stage.

You didn't do it at the taste stage.

Yeah, I know, which I feel bad about.

But with each sip, it didn't get better.

It just kept being really sour

around the mouth.

Yeah.

Where I guess it would.

And

eventually I said to the others, are you enjoying this?

And they said, I don't love it.

So I thought,

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to say this is corked.

At this point.

At this point, how are you feeling physically when

you decided you were going to do it?

I couldn't feel my fingers.

Yeah, I was terrified because it's quite a fancy restaurant.

And

so the waitress came back and I said, Sorry, I think this might be corked.

My heart is like,

and she goes, oh, really?

Okay, I'll just go get our sommelier.

And the big boy

slides down his fireman's pole into the water.

That was scary.

And I was like, oh, yeah, cool.

You bring that piece of shit.

and so she goes off for the bottle and I see it in the corner he she gives it to him and he takes a whiff

I can see all this he can't see me he's twitting his mustache the smelly hair he gives the bottle a whiff and he makes a sort of wince face which and now the wince I can't tell if it's ooh that is bad or this guy doesn't know what he's talking about

because that's the same wince it's the same face classically that is exactly the same wince it is a disgust it's the same emotion and so then he comes around and I see, and just behind our table, he gets himself a glass and he pauses a little bit.

On his drink.

And he takes a sip.

And he comes over and he leans to me.

And I'm just losing my mind.

And he says, um, this isn't corked.

And now I'm in flight of flight, fight of flight.

Oh, God.

Either I go, oh my god, I'm so sorry.

I'll give you a kiss on the head.

Please don't kill me.

Or

double down.

And so I double down.

Wow.

And I go, really?

It tastes very acrid.

I thought, I'll pick a different word.

I'll pick a different word for sour.

Yes, it tastes that source.

Sour.

Read the dictionary familiar twin.

And he goes, that's quite,

it's got a brown, that's a seera taste.

And then he said, it's actually rather lovely.

Which I think was his...

That was

his

colour blue.

Yeah, I think.

And I said, I don't know.

And he said, well, if I get you another bottle, it'll probably taste the same.

And so I said, we'll get something else then.

And so I got a bottle of

Chateau Neuf de Pap, because you can't go wrong, really.

And he said, okay, lovely, great.

And he got the Chateau Neuf de Pap and I tried it.

And he was like, that okay?

And it was actually still a bit sour, but I said, yeah, that'll be fine.

Were you like also eating like sour Skittles?

I was brushing my teeth.

I was brushing my teeth at the the time.

I don't know if that changes anything.

Still so proud of Phil for sending that wine back.

I still would never do that.

I respect that man so much.

He's an icon to me.

He really is.

That guy's an icon.

Ed, I'm having so much fun listening to all of these.

Such happy memories for me.

All of these.

Well, they may be happy memories, but my favourite part of the Off-Menu podcast is when you're not happy.

Huh?

Because people come in here and deliberately wind you up.

I know.

I love it, James.

Please, I hope you're not about to play clips from Kevin Godlerman, Jess Phillips, Jay-Z-May Cooper, Joe Lyson, and Victoria Collin Mesho.

I am indeed.

They really, really wound you up and I loved every second of it.

Let's hear it.

Which I've got a bones pick with you about.

There we go.

Because there were lots of people.

I went to New York recently for a family holiday at Green Here.

And James, very kindly, among a group of friends, recommended lots of places to eat.

So I put them all together.

I was really pleased with my skills because I put them all together in one document and I had a huge list of recommendations.

And I felt really organized and I had that with the passport and all the flight details.

Get to the airport, go to check-in, hadn't done those ester forms, so couldn't

go to America.

So I had, I don't know, this is a bones of pick with meat.

Yes, it is because no one, everyone recommended, oh, go to this vegan diner, eat these noodles.

No No one said you can't get into the fucking country to eat the food if you haven't done the basic vegan.

It can't be the food recommendations.

I didn't go, oh, by the way, you also want to get on this flight.

Before you said

novels, any of it, you go, you have done your estimate.

Yeah, but you've not asked them for recommendations about how to get into America.

The note of being in the country to eat the food is, can I get into the country?

You're not asking me to say that.

I thought they've been patronising of me.

By the way, Terry, I've organised yourself.

Never be scared of patronising me because you're probably pointing out something I've overlooked.

We missed our flight.

I was

dressing it at me.

I should have rang you and said, James, we've just missed our flight.

So thanks for the diner recommendation.

But we've missed our flight.

I mean, all that advice and not one

of it was funny.

But what did you ask for?

What are you asking for?

What did you ask?

I did ask for food recommendations.

Can I have some food recommendations.

Yes, and if they didn't assume that I knew, because I had been to America before,

but I forgot.

I was going to say, you've never used it.

You've got to go to all these places.

Oh, a little tip as well.

Don't eat your Esther.

I hope you've got that.

Well, if you'd said that, you'd have done it unpatronisingly, with humour, and I would have got the information.

I actually assumed you would have done it.

Okay, I...

Yeah, everyone assumed that.

And I had to.

I have a high opinion of you.

Well, lower it.

You've definitely been to America before.

You've worked in America before.

Yeah, it's worked, but.

But because I worked there, I think someone else filled the forms before.

You would have had a visa if you had a worked information.

Someone else did it.

A grown-up filled in the form.

I hate forms, Ed.

But that's an online, the Esther thing is so easy to fill in.

Oh, is it?

It's so easy.

You've catching me at the airport having a panic attack with crying children.

Are we not going on holiday anymore, mummy?

It seems not, no.

Because James Acaster.

Because James fucking Acaster told us where to get the best Knickerpocker glory,

but we can't get into the country.

I mean, I would always have cheese for

God.

Yes.

Fuck you, Jess.

Fuck you.

It's finally happened.

The first person.

Someone's finally done it.

I'm so on board with it.

Oh, God.

Oh,

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

That came out of nowhere.

There were so many warning signs along the way.

Breakfast for dinner, sucking a flannel, so much stuff that should have tipped me off that the cheese was coming round the bend and I didn't see it coming.

I'm annoyed in myself that I didn't see this coming.

Oh, God.

Is that your one of that?

Take us through the cheeses you'd like on your cheese board, please, Jess.

Right.

Has no one ever said that before?

No, I'm so

just turned his microphone around.

I can't speak into it.

I mean, you've got to have like a blue, a hard cheese, a soft cheese.

I'd say a sheep's cheese and a goat's.

Lovely.

It's what I'd go for.

And I would always, you know, I really like those crackers that have like sort of cherries in them or

like the fruits

that are really like brittle.

Yeah.

I love that.

They're really good.

I love those.

So yeah, I'd go for that.

James?

Well, thanks for coming in, Jess.

Your book is available, True Power.

Everyone go and buy that.

Jesus.

Oh, man.

Oh, Jesus.

I love that.

Wait, what do you want for dessert?

What's your dessert?

It's.

You're going to be so cross.

A pizza hut salad with only croutons,

bacon bits.

Let her finish.

No!

Let, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Please let Daisy finish.

this is...

This is the best thing that's ever happened on this podcast.

Please let it play out.

A pizza hot salad with just the croutons, the bacon bits, the cubes of beetroot and the honey and mustard dressing.

Lovely.

A bit of sweetness from the honey.

Oh, fuck you.

Duff.

But 70% croutons.

70% croutons.

When did you decide on this?

Do you know all the time on your way here in the car you're going to say this shit?

Lining that up as your dessert.

It's 70% croutons, right?

Part of you justifies that as a dessert.

How are you even justifying this?

I just love a pizza hot salad.

Well, I'll put it on you.

Have it as your starter.

I don't want it as my starter, as my dessert.

You can't have it as your dessert.

You can if you can because you get the

go up as many as you type as many times as you like salad bowl.

Yeah.

And for my dessert, I'll always go up at the end of my pizza.

You should be banned from pizza.

And order the

salad is refreshing, isn't it?

So it just, you know, you've had.

Wow, the croutons.

He doesn't even believe what he's saying.

Bacon bits, yeah.

I suppose it's a refreshing under the honey mustard dressing.

Yeah, lovely.

And bit of sweetness from the honey.

You've said that before.

You said bit of sweetness under the honey.

That is not good enough.

That makes it a dessert.

It does not make it a dessert.

You know it.

You don't even believe believe what you're saying, though.

I do.

It sounds like a lovely date.

You do not believe what you're saying.

Cleanses the palate.

You're like Piers Morgan.

You're no better than Piers Morgan right now, Ed.

You're just deliberately being controversial and trolling me.

And Daisy, oh my god.

Well, technically, this is a hot buffet salad with bacon in it.

Daisy's whole meal is having a dessert because she's eating with a spoon.

Yeah, she's eating it all with a

big old china spoon.

Oh,

I cannot believe this.

Oh, that's my favourite dessert ever, aren't they?

It's not your favourite dessert ever.

A bacon salad.

A bacon salad.

No, it's mainly crude.

Actually, the bacon bits are not even actual bacon bits.

No, they're not.

I don't know.

Yeah, they are.

The bacon bits are vegan.

Yeah.

Lovely.

Texture, there's texture there.

There's sweetness from the honey.

Is there not one pudding that you like that you could have chosen?

Is that not like a pudding that you've had before that you thought you're flavourless?

You're having a goddamn salad, mate.

You always talk about flavour.

Oh, that's what jumps to mind as soon as I think of flavour.

It's a fucking salad

with mainly croutons in it.

Oh, flavour town.

I just love flavour.

These still my jumping taste buds at this bread salad I'm eating.

I love the idea that guests are now just coming on to troll you, James.

Absolutely insane.

Absolutely bananas.

This is gonna what a life.

This is gonna break the internet.

I can't wait.

Has this upset you more than the pigs killing themselves?

Yeah, I would rather watch a swarm of pigs swimming around in a pool, slitting their own throats, than you eating your bread salad and calling it a dessert.

I would rather watch Chucky have the news of his mum's death brokered to him again than watch you go up to the Peter Hutt buffet in plain sight and claim that you'll go and get your pudding

that's what I would rather happened okay James let's read the order back

I've decided

it's a bowl of special K with oakly barista milk

what the what in

God's name special K

Oakley barista milk bowl of cereal no sugar what

the fuck is the matter with you how can can you have a Krispy Krem burger and then your dessert is just a bowl of cereal?

Yeah.

I fucking love cereal, James.

I've got nothing against cereal whatsoever, but the fact that it's your dream dessert is a bowl of special K- Also, no sugar, also, no sugar, no sugar, no sugar.

Even if it was just a cereal round, special K I'd be kicking off.

That's your favourite cereal.

There's a bowl of special K.

Well, the others.

Is it even the berries special K?

Nope.

It's just plain special.

And the other two choices were Weetabix or Bran Flakes.

You got the brand flakes.

Good God.

Good God.

I was really humming in our because currently I'm doing bran flakes of my cereal of choice just because I'm trying to be a bit healthier.

Yeah, sure.

But I've actually fallen deeply in love with brown flakes.

So brown flakes will be a bit more difficult.

So you wouldn't want that as a dessert, would you?

No, no, no.

Get rid of the thing that you're deeply in love with and choose the special K.

Well, no, Special K feels like a treat.

Right, well that's what it is.

Because it's a treat and it pairs very well with a Gavi.

It does pair well with a Gavi.

How is that a treat?

It's so nice.

I love cereal.

You've just had a burger donut.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the point.

And now a little treat, some special K for myself.

Yeah, it's indulgence.

It's rehydrating because it's all of the lovely milk.

And that's a key part of it as well.

It's the Oatley Barista edition milk, which is posh.

That's a posh milk.

It's hard to find.

Sounds delicious.

Fine.

Fine, you've got some posh milk

on your appalling cereal choice.

Why is special care appalling?

Look, I've gone through special care phases before, but not because I like it, just because I'm trying to be a good boy.

I should clarify: by special care, I do mean ketamine.

Apologies, yes, absolutely.

Fine.

But the milk is now an odd choice, but like, fair enough.

What does that go better with an almond milk?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's really strange.

I love it.

I honestly think that people are deliberately trolling drones now, and I'm here for it.

I love it.

No, it's not.

I'm being...

Started emailing people before they come on, going, For a laugh, don't choose a pudding.

No.

And if you can even tease early on,

I mean, the fact that you've come on here said you used to eat melted bowls of chocolate, then

put a burger inside a donut.

So absolutely, just have me go in the hallway.

Like, here we go, we're heading to sugar town, and then you're like, yeah, and a bowl of crappy cereal.

Unless you suddenly twist us and you put that whole bowl through the glaze curtain.

Yeah, that's the only thing that can save this.

Belly up, please.

And so I'm losing it even more.

Well, let's hear Victoria's dream meal, please.

Victoria, you would like tap water.

Here's the thing.

Tap water didn't annoy me the first time out, and now it is.

Now it's annoying because

in the bigger picture, it's very frustrating.

Because

I've imagined also it's tap water from your own home as well.

You just said

do it from my house.

You would like for your dream meal, tap water, bread with lots of butter, warm wholemeal roll with raisins.

Ah, I'm nostalgic for those days.

That was when you made me want that.

I really want to go home and have that.

I'm genuinely going to eat that at some point soon.

Starter, just an avocado with some belly grets.

Main, a plowman's with cheddar stilton, triangles of bread.

I'm actually genuinely digging my fingers into my leg.

I'm grabbing my leg so hard that I'm causing myself pain to get myself through the sentence because it's so long.

I think it sounds delicious.

Triangles of bread, grapes, apple, pickle, no celery.

Side, cucumber salad.

The home

sound of that very much.

Drink salted caramel martini.

I'm going to just stare at that sentence for a bit longer so I don't have to move on.

Dessert.

Rice pudding with a little bit of cinnamon.

Mother's homemade rice pudding.

Yeah.

Lovely.

Lovely.

I think that sounds nice.

That's more of a amazing.

You know.

I mean, maybe I'm just wound up because it's Valentine's Day.

Maybe that's what it is.

Maybe it's not about Victoria.

I'm taking it out on it.

No, it's definitely about that menu.

Definitely about that menu, isn't it?

But you could eat that and you could get on with your day.

Yep, you could eat that.

You could have that.

You're right.

If I have that for my Valentine's meal, I'll be having you tonight, as you tuck into your badger endouette with foreign sauce, it'll come back into your mind how delicious the simple pleasure

Of a ploughman's.

Yeah, maybe, maybe.

Oh, great.

Love Victoria Corin Mitchell.

Oh, she is the devil.

I remember not enjoying her menu, but the fact it annoyed you so much really made me like it more.

I'll tell you what, I can't believe so many people winding me up.

Not as many people wind you up.

No, that's true.

Someone will come on and they try and wind you up sometimes, but not very.

I can think of Jane Raynor and Greg Davis.

Can't think of anybody else.

Yeah, well, they can't wind me up, mate.

I'm the box.

Oh, they wound you up, all right.

These guys wound you up.

I'm cool as a cuke.

I mean, I'm going to let you explain the chocolate eclair, and you can talk about the chocolate eclair, but just know that I disagree with your choice wholly, and we can have that argument in a few minutes.

Okay.

There is a childhood element.

Yes, okay.

Okay, so

desserts and sweet things were not a big thing in our house because my mother was fully aware that we all had our size issues,

but they would be outbreaks of indulgence.

So, rather than there being a kind of so I had this thin friend, and their family had a chocolate drawer in the kitchen, and there was a drawer just full of chocolate.

And I would see him, he would go in and he would open it and take one piece out, and he'd eat it and then close the drawer.

And I didn't understand how that worked.

Because if that drawer had been in my house, it would just be emptied on a daily basis.

I had a thin friend who had that drawer.

If that drawer had been in my house, there would have been a padlock on it.

Exactly.

So oh so anyway so every now and then thin people playing

guess what guys I've got a job that draw now

have you?

Have you really?

Yeah but you don't you don't restrain yourself you just don't put on weight.

That's true I'm a freak.

Is that true?

Can you eat literally anything?

At the moment.

I mean, we'll see how long that lasts.

Yeah, I'm coming back in 10 years to laugh and yeah

James and his and his dad are absolute sweet freaks.

Are they?

Right, yeah, yeah.

It's very funny that it's my dad as well.

So

sometimes my father would appear with a box of pastries.

And he'd gone to some place in Hampstead and there would be a box of pastries.

And we're always told that we couldn't have the chocolate eclair because it was his.

However often we said, get two?

Get two chocolate declair, maybe three?

It wouldn't happen because his need for an assortment.

He needed an assorted box.

So I could never have the chocolate declaire.

But I bloody love a chocolate declaire.

Shoe pastry is a brilliant thing.

You know, Profit Torrelles are made from shoe pastry.

It's a cooked-out pastry, which is then baked.

It's very hard to make.

And then it's filled with cream.

And then it's got thick layers of chocolate on top.

And it's tactile, isn't it?

And so, you know, it's basically me dealing with my father issues.

It is a finely calibrated piece of dessert work, pastry work.

You've got pastry, you've got cream, you've got chocolate on top.

What I can see in Ed's eyes is he's trying to muster his arguments to rebut me, but he's feeling on slightly fragile ground.

Well, I am now because you obviously described it so well,

that's your trade, and you're convinced.

Listen, Ed, it's no shame in being turned by Rayner.

He's been turned up to the ribs.

I know you.

I've got a present then.

I think

I want to do that.

I want something dense and luxurious and unctuous.

And I feel like

I've got a lot of things I've ever had.

Is I've bitten into it and it's gone like this.

It's just too much air in it.

Too much air.

Too much air in it.

So you don't like chocolate clares because you've only had shit ones.

Cream's boring.

Cream's boring.

Cream's boring.

Airy cream.

Too much bubbles.

Your podcast, mate.

I'm the same with profiteroles.

I think shoe pastry is like weird and tense.

What about a crocon bouche?

No,

that's just a sculpture.

A sculpture dribbled in caramel

with cream inside it.

It's that hard caramel.

At least that's pointless.

Any dessert was lipidoping you.

It was letting you talk for a while.

Any dessert that needs to be made in a traffic cone

is clearly a fine thing.

No,

it's showing off a croquen bouche.

It's showing off.

Says a stand-up committee.

We come to your starter.

Please.

And why not?

You're not going to like this.

I've already thought about this.

We're not going to like it.

I don't think you're going to like it.

Neither of us are going to like it.

No, and I am firm in my decision.

Okay, this is great.

I don't think anyone's ever upset both of us at the same time.

Maybe we've had some people upset, maybe, yeah.

But like, no one going in this defiant from

the get-go, despite

this.

This might have been done before.

Okay.

Big sip.

Do you think a big, big swig of his drink?

Ready to drop it on us?

Yeah?

Pass.

What?

I don't agree with the starter.

Oh, man.

I absolutely love it.

Yeah.

I mean, it is unacceptable.

Because, for one, Ed is a starter boy.

He loves starters.

Why would you think

this is a bit?

This is great.

It's a bonus mane on a little plate.

Trouble in paradise.

It's the equivalent to going for a haircut and saying, can I have a trim, please?

Now can I have a haircut?

It's not the equivalent of that at all.

Ed, Ed,

it totally serves you right for having other friends besides me.

It's nice to put it out there.

Whenever I go for a meal with anyone and they go, oh, I think I'll have a starter.

I genuinely resent them and it ruins the meal for me.

Well.

Because you don't want a starter, so you're annoyed that your meal's taking longer.

But just have a starter.

I do.

Yeah, you have a starter and you enjoy it.

I don't enjoy it.

You don't enjoy it.

No, I don't.

No matter what it is, you don't enjoy it.

I don't.

I order the starter when I think it'll take the least amount of time to prepare so that I can then get onto my meal.

But the meal, the meal is the starter.

It's part of the...

I pass.

No, you can't pass.

I have passed.

You can't.

We did it.

Fine, then we're bringing you out an empty plate and you have to sit here for as long as it would take you to eat a starter.

As often I do when I'm out with rude people.

Rude people?

You think people order starters are rude?

It's the same as shattering pop-a-doms for me.

It's not.

Why?

Well, because I have to sit while you have your starter.

Do you like eating out?

You just want to get home as quick as possible?

No, I want to enjoy my main course.

And I'll luxuriate in the time I take to eat my main course.

I can't believe it.

It's funny.

We've never had a pass before.

I pass.

Right, let's ask the follow-up questions.

Is there anywhere in particular that you enjoyed not having a starter?

Already?

Name some of the restaurants that you enjoy an empty plate at.

You've not even had one starter in your whole life that you were like, that was delicious.

And that you would want as your starter.

I find it.

Let me think how to phrase it.

Unwanted, commercialized foreplay.

That sounds lovely.

I'm hot.

Let's eat.

Yeah.

Sure.

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Who passes on a starter?

Greg Davis passes on a starter.

You're in the dream restaurant.

He's passed on a dream.

Oh, that cuke seems to have warmed up a little bit.

It's like having a dream where you're riding a unicorn and going, well, no, I don't need a horn.

It can just be a regular horse.

Watching you and Greg clash

the war of the starters.

I like a good war, Ed.

I love a good war, don't you?

It's interesting you say that, James, because we've started our own war right here on the Off-Menu podcast.

Although, I think maybe we've extended a pre-existing war.

Sure.

A war that we were previously unaware of, but it has been raging on.

Between two nations over Jolloff Rice.

In fact, I'm thinking we should probably just change the name of this podcast to Jolloff Menu.

Oh, lovely, Ed.

Absolutely lovely.

So there's been a war between Nigerian Jollof Rice and Ghanaian Jollof Rice and the main generals in this war have been Lolly Adafope, Selassie Bormita and Sophie Duca.

Oh good looking battle faithful soldiers.

Is this bowl of Nigerian food?

Has it got a name?

Would you always refer to it as something?

Was it just waiting there for you?

Or was it always the same things in it or was it different stuff?

Different things pounded yam and stew would be one thing or pounded yam with a goosey is one thing or jollof rice would be a different thing

so you wouldn't have them together no well i actually probably would because i'd love to make shovels yeah but that's not the norm to have rice and yam and was this stuff already made and left over

in general yeah or was it made for you sometimes it was made for me and i felt bad but my mum would be like are you hungry and then i'd say yes i think it sort of reminds me of when i graduated and then moved back home again.

It was just

like going out, and then mum would cook some dinner and eat her dinner at a normal time.

Yeah.

And then I'd get back and there'd be like a cold thing waiting to warm up in the microwave at like half past midnight or something.

Yeah.

When I was pissed.

And sometimes I would say, okay, no, don't make it for me.

I want pounded yam.

And then I would start to make it, and I would be doing such a bad job that she would come in and be like, okay, I'll.

Yes.

I really want Nigerian food now.

Yeah, you make me want pounded yam.

Yeah.

Well, you'll love it.

You'll love Sandy.

Pounded yam in Soho.

But I guess before that,

I would always, well, you can't get it anywhere, but Jolof Rice, which is Ghanaian, not Nigerian, a Ghanaian.

Oh, wow, Lolly.

Now

we're doing it, cross-podcast beef.

Yeah, bring it.

Lolly was in.

The comedian Lolly Adafofi was here and saying she wanted Nigerian food.

And I believe Jolof Rice was brought up.

Yeah.

So a shot has been fired over the

Joloff Rice, if all restaurants served it, definitely.

Would you be thanking Jesus in church if if all restaurants served Joloff Rice?

Yes.

Back to church.

I'm here three times a day now.

Watch for the surf, watch for the turf.

Yeah, watch for the jolof rice.

And then a little extra prayer for Peshwari Nan.

Yeah.

And then what's more, just a curse Nigerian Joloff rice.

Please, please, Lord, get rid of it.

I don't like it.

So

what's Jaloff rice?

How are you putting together jalof rice?

You first make, well, I'm describing it how I make it.

So, depending on what you're adding, so chicken or lamb or beef or goat or anything, you make a stock from the meat.

Then you use the stock to make a stew.

So, it's a tomato stew.

And then you add your veg, if you want to add veg, then you cook it in basmati rice, not American lawn grain.

Basmati rice.

And it's just

a stewed rice made from tomato sauce.

And then you can add the meat or you grill the meat separately and then you have the on the side.

Nice.

And it's everything.

That doesn't sound very good actually.

I got lost in that.

It's like I was listening to a poem.

And I think I'd have some jollof.

Jollof rice.

We've had some controversy over the third time.

What did you have a Nigerian on?

We had, we had

some unrelated to food, but I won't get to it.

Here's the thing.

Now I'm having to have men.

So we've had, this is the third mention of 12 folks we've had.

We've had Selassie and we had Lolly.

Yeah.

Now you.

And I know now that it is, you've pushed it over to two for

how do you say it?

Ganyan.

Ganyan Rice.

Yeah.

Yeah, Ganyan.

Or rice from Ghana.

Yeah, people say Ghanaian, but in Ghana they say like Ganyan.

So Selassie was also...

Selassie lent, he was a very quiet, very relaxed guest until it came talking about Jollof Rice and then he leant right into the microphone.

He went, Jollof Rice is not Nigerian.

Really?

Wow, that's dark.

That's dark.

But it's true.

It's bad.

I've got into trouble because I've been bad mouthing with Nigerian rice.

Like I was just like, I was with my mum on this thing called Africa in the Square, where they've got loads of African stalls and loads of people queuing up for the Jollof Rice.

And I was like, queuing up my mom.

I was like, oh, it's not even worth it because it's Nigerian.

And these girls turn around and be like, what did you say?

I was like,

it's true.

And they're like, we had a fight about Jolloff Rice.

It's not, like, Nigerian food is

not good.

You took that pause to make sure you were diplomatic and then just completely.

No, it's.

The rice is stupid.

It's all like fat, stupid rice.

Also, there's like...

Fat, stupid rice.

They don't make it with long grain rice.

They make it with like fat, stupid rice.

Also, there's a lot of, in my like, auntie WhatsApp groups, there's lots of myths about what's happening

with food.

There's a lot of it is quite problematic and worrying.

A myth of plastic rice, that people were making plastic rice.

I was like, it's just because someone's had Nigerian Jolloff and they think it's made of plastic.

It's terrible.

The war rages on, of course, and good luck to anyone out there on the battlefield.

Yes, pick a side and pick it well.

Now it comes to the the off-menu awards.

There is only one award and it's best description of food.

There is only one nominee and one winner and that winner is Marcus Samuelson for this description of how to make gnocchi.

Nockey is something that I've like probably only got into in the last like I don't know five years.

I started eating it and like so I really like it but I'd say I wouldn't know what makes a good one.

So you can make we can go through it.

It's very like you wanna you wanna roast the potato first.

You wanna start there, right?

So they don't get mealy and watery.

So you just roast sweet potatoes or potatoes, just roast them until they're soft.

Then you scrape them out

and then you add it.

You don't want them heavy.

So that comes down to don't use too much flour, right?

So this is your potatoes.

A little bit of olive oil, a little bit of flour, salt, maybe some nutmeg.

You want same time as you roast the the potatoes, maybe you roast two, three pieces of garlic as well.

You just mash that up.

That's your noki so the key thing on something a noki gets heavy is because you have too much flour in it and so you just want a little bit of flour to bind it maybe an egg yolk just to tie it all together and that's your noki and then you put a pan of water on and you just blanch them really quick you drop them in Once the water is brought to a boil, you lift them out and then you just put a hot pan on with olive oil or clarified butter and then you just sear the noki and then you add in a little bit of butter in the end, salt, pepper.

Done.

Do you know what?

I think that description there is going to be our most re-listened to section of the entire podcast we've ever done.

I think a lot of people are going to re-listen to that.

I'll be pausing it and doing that back.

Rewinding it and going, I want to listen to that again.

Oh, mad.

My stomach's fumbling.

My mouth is watering.

Thank you, Marcus.

Thank you so much, Marcus.

Now, that was a fairly straight-up choice.

We all like a bit of gnocchi, but there's been some absolute weirdos on this podcast, James.

There are

absolute weirdos.

Tom Kerridge, Joel Dommit.

Does the name Lou Sanders mean anything to you?

And let's not forget Mike Skinner.

It's very interesting to find out that some of these people we interview who are quite prominent public figures have such odd food habits.

But let's hear a little bit of it now.

And don't forget to turn into Joel Dommit forever.

Yes, keep tweeting Joel Domit.

I've noticed that's dipped down, but keep on going.

To drink, sir.

Well, also, he's probably going to half and half again.

Half coke zero, half diet coke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Half wine, half beer.

Well, no, well, it's very difficult this because I'm trying to work out.

So I knocked booze on the head six about nearly six years ago, right?

So I'd become

quite a huge part of my life, is the best way of describing it.

So I'm like, if this is a one-off thing, like and it's just one-off, and it'll never affect my brain cells again, and it won't take me.

I might go for 24 cans of Stella.

I might go for 24 cans of Stella.

Alternatively,

I'd absolutely love that.

I might skip over that.

Alternatively,

a can of Diet Lilt.

I love Diet Lilt with fish and chips.

You know, can of Lilt is Lil.

I haven't seen it in a, well, I have had it, actually.

That's what I was going to say.

I haven't seen it in ages.

I had some yesterday.

But it's one of the, so you know,

it depends on how bad we've been.

I mean, I've gone for fish and chips.

If I'm going, if I'm going all in and it's one day only and it's not going to take me down the route that I went down maybe yeah maybe a whole slab of stellar yeah that would yeah that would be stellar of all of the beers

well i think when you have an issue with alcohol you look for the ones that hit the spot quicker

stella

stella straight there yeah specifically 24 cans of it yeah well like you load up with 24 and then you see where the evening goes

i think the fact you picked the house 24 cans of stellar probably shows that you're right to knock it on the head tom yeah that's your go-to Do you want them as separate cans?

Or, because I can do whatever you want here, I can do it as one big guzzler can for you that's like 24 cans

with a little straw, maybe.

Well, actually, well, if we're going for it and we're in a restaurant and there's like, I wouldn't mind one of those like really comedy hats that you have cans in that you could sit in it, yeah, exactly, and then a straw.

Do you want one of those that can fit 24 cans of each?

Yeah, 12 each side would be

Stetson.

Yeah, that would be up.

I'm up for that.

Yeah, that would be great.

Can you arrange that, Mr.

Genie?

I'll sort that out for you.

There we are.

No worries.

One steps of beer dome coming right up.

24 cans of stellar.

Yeah.

Joe, what drink are you having to accompany this?

Well, I think genuinely, I'd have a protein shake.

I do like protein shakes.

I really love them.

I have them all the time.

I have

this new one, which is absolutely delicious.

It has a little bit of strawberry in it.

It's just really tangy, lovely.

And then it's an optimum nutrition one, not being paid by them.

And before I go to bed, I have a casein protein, which is like...

You have a protein shape before you go to bed?

Yes, which doesn't mean you've got to work out in your drinks.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And

then

I also have that.

I spread that over my porridge in the mornings.

I love porridge.

I really love porridge.

Sometimes, sometimes.

Another thing that you like more than anything you've ever listed today

could have been your starter.

Yeah, it could have been.

It's not a sort of podcast, Lou.

Everything is these days.

Everybody ever woke.

Or I like bits of stuff, so

I don't want to be weighed down by one meal.

So I want a tapas, but I want the tapas to be of my choosing.

Global tapas, baby.

Global.

Okay.

So your main course is foods from all over the world.

Global tapas.

So you're like, tapas, tapaz, but like from everywhere.

Yeah.

You've got to stop saying global tapaz.

Yeah.

I don't think I can.

No,

especially now you told her not to.

So hang on, we've gone through

Thai food to vegan roast to global tapaz.

What have the first two got in common?

They can sit in the global tapas.

So two of the little dishes in your global tapas are the red Thai curry and the vegan roast.

Yeah.

Yes.

You could put the red Thai curry in a Yorkshire pudding.

How about that?

No, thank you.

No, why not?

Mix that sounds nice.

I won't mix the topas.

There's a pub in my dad's that does the pub meals are all you just get a giant Yorkshire pudding and they fill it full of

you know your dad

you can get you could get curry in that you could get

chicken tea

in the New Forest that's lovely actually you get a giant Yorkshire pudding they do one with Chili Concarni and they do one with

Hampshire I would like to go to this place what's it called no it's called the trusty servant the trusty servant yeah yeah.

That is a very, I mean.

Road trip to the Trusty Servant.

Sure, absolutely.

It's a good part.

It's a big insight into Ed's family there.

They eat at the Trusty Servant.

Oh, yes, I get the subtext there.

Give us an example.

If we give you five little dishes that you can have from across the globe for your main cause, that will allow that.

Yeah.

Okay, go.

No, you need to pick the best.

We're not going to read out a load of different things from all over the world.

You choose five of them.

This is your choice.

We'll read out every dish okay

go

we'll start with

your face was so serious when you said okay go

you're really composing yourself and you're like okay i'm ready i'm ready to do this i didn't want to hear the menu didn't want to fuck it up i was really ready okay

okay so you've got your thai dish yeah oh so that's on the

top of the red thai cover with the brown rice it's all in one of the middle with the brown rice it's all in one little dish okay we'll let you have that i might start with that and then you've got your roast with the trimmings But hold on.

So what's that?

It's a little dish.

It's a little dish.

It's got...

So what's your roast with the trimmings in that little dish?

It's a Yorkshire Yorkshire pudding.

It's as big as one Yorkshire pudding in this dish.

Vegan Yorkshire pudding.

Okay, and it's got stuff inside it.

So what's inside the Yorkshire pudding?

How do you make vegan Yorkshire puddings?

Oh, they've done it before, they'll do it again.

Okay.

Stuffing.

Stuffing?

Yeah.

Inside the Yorkshire.

Stuffing inside.

Inside the Yorkshire pudding.

Don't check your phone while I'm going in a dream dinner.

My sister's texted me about a flatjack.

Carry on.

You're always always ardent, James.

Yeah.

Broccoli, it's made an appearance again, and I can't help that.

Okay.

But is the cleaner roast?

Or maybe spinach.

Spinach in a roast.

Well, throw up some other ideas then.

Parsnips.

Roast parsnips.

Roast potatoes.

Carrots.

Roast potatoes.

Roast potato little ones and some mash and then some gravy and then we're done.

Okay, so two clothes of potato and a Yorkshire.

What would you like for your starter?

Cushy punch.

What?

So cushy punch is a very famous

Californian weed edible.

Ah!

I'm not into weed.

Yes.

Makes me think that I left the iron on.

Yeah, yeah.

You know?

Yeah, sure.

What?

I don't mean.

It makes you paranoid.

Makes you paranoid, you mean?

Yeah, makes me think

of it.

Some loads of

darkness.

Yeah, yeah, I know that exact feeling.

You know?

Yeah.

Don't like that feeling.

You don't like weed, however.

So, however, I don't like weed, but Cushy Punch

do an

indica-only one.

So there's like, apparently, there's like two things: sativa and indica is like in weed.

Yes.

And it's sativa that makes you think you left the iron on.

Okay.

Someone in California has very

generously removed the did I leave the iron on factor from weed

and put it into a edible, a jelly,

and just left the indica bit, which is the sort of like bodily sort of thing where you just go, ah,

I don't care about the iron.

Yeah, it might be on the other side.

You know, fuck it.

You know,

and so, yeah, and it also, as well, just makes you really enjoy food.

Oh, it actually really gears you up for the rest of the meal as well.

That's clever.

You'll be unsurprised to learn that you're the first person to pick a weed edible as their starter.

Yep, even though no one's picked it yet, it is 100% what all the listeners thought you were going to pick.

So that's good.

No one's surprised?

Well.

Well, well, well.

Bizarre choices.

Absolutely bizarre.

They're whackadoo, those guys.

I'll tell you what, though, at least they didn't make me feel sick, you know?

No, no.

I mean, Joel Domits maybe made me feel a little bit sick, but

nowhere near as sick as these people made me feel with these moments from their episodes.

We're talking Desiree Burch, Sean Clifford, Evelyn Mock, Catherine Bohart, Keema Bob, and Grace Dentz.

So, okay.

There are honorable mentions to every cheesecake that's ever existed.

However, I will say that I have to take a lactose enzyme to enjoy any of them because I'm lactose intolerant.

It sucks.

It makes, I mean, you know, cake is fine, butter's okay, you know, if it's baked in, whatever, but it makes every sort of dessert that comes with a side of ice cream just like a slap in the face.

And especially in this country because it's full of people who historically can process dairy well.

And so everything is ice cream at the interval and like, you know, scoop of whatever or like in a, you know, a custard and it's beautiful, but like I have to take one to two of those things.

And if I time time it poorly I'm just like I gotta go.

I gotta go have a horrible crap somewhere.

It was so tasty and it's like whoop there goes all of dinner that I was hoping to enjoy.

I've never seen it this happy.

Oh my god.

Oh, it's so funny.

Any episode so far.

Oh, this is so funny.

Also, because you made eye contact with Ed, but you said horrible crap.

Oh, I better have a whole crap.

Also, my favorite sort of humor is when you've suggested what we all knew what you were were heading for.

But now I'm getting this word.

No, horrible crap.

Just to make sure that we're all clear, it is vomiting out of the other end.

That is what I'm talking about.

All the oysters and the scallops going, well, we're all in this together.

It's a good thing she didn't chew us because now we got to go out into the world and think for ourselves.

We went out as we came in.

Holy.

And alone.

Maybe I'll take my shell again.

She kept it.

It's in her purse.

There you go.

Good luck.

Just trying desperately ruining plumming.

Desmond.

Desmond, before you flush, can you mind chucking a guy's shell?

I know you got it.

Yeah.

Hey, you don't let broccoli rob for nothing.

When I was a kid, I went to this like circus, not a circus, I don't know, like a performance thing for kids.

kids and there was a guy on stage and one of his tricks was to invite four kids up on stage and to give them whatever drink they wanted

but out but wait for it out of the same teapot

and um

outfox the cereal milk milk

I was too scared to go up

but I've never forgotten and the genie reminds me a little bit of of that guy and I'm telling you one of the kids picked carrot juice yeah

Oh my god.

What's wrong with that kid?

I tried to throw the magician up, I guess.

And

he had it.

And he did it.

I don't know how they did it, but they did it.

He actually made carrot juice coming up with people.

But do you know what?

He probably just had, you know, those things in pubs

with the buttons, with the different things.

But then you can't have an infinite thing.

You can't have.

No.

It's like whatever the kid's name is in there.

Oh, God.

If I was a little kid and they got me up to do that trick.

And

you get to meet, I'd go, piss.

piss

if only you the listener could see quite how proud James's little face is

it's like he's gonna kid he's gonna send it to the magician

he's foxed him so they're really happy and then when he made the cabbages come out I'll be like what's wrong with this guy's piss

Evelyn uh has a food-based Instagram account which is why she's quite an exciting guest for me

called Evelyn Things I pooped out

which I love but I show all the things before I poop them up that's nice of you yeah yeah have you ever thought of setting up a different account where you post it after you've pooped it out?

That's on u porn.

And that's something else.

I'm making a lot of money from that.

I once actually had a friend who put up like a photo of his poop on,

I think it was like Facebook.

Right.

And it got taken down.

Yeah.

But it was, I applauded his daring.

Why did he put a picture of his poop up?

I think he had like some kind of stomach issue.

So it was like, guys, does anyone know what's up with me?

So it was like a genuine question to.

Hive mind.

Exactly.

Has anyone experienced this?

Why is it this colour?

Yeah, I think he was just like a

very provocative kind of guy.

So he just wanted to be a bit like daring, I think.

Look at this, I'm really ill.

Yeah.

At least that would help.

Yeah.

But yeah.

On your Instagram account,

what have been some of the most liked and successful images you've posted that people have really responded to and loved?

I think it's been

people really like desserts.

Oh yeah.

So people really like ice cream and like

any type of anything with cream on, which I love.

I love cream.

So anything that looks really spectacular, I think people really like that.

And then also meat.

People really like meat on Instagram.

Meat and cream.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the thing.

I think there's certain, since Instagram has become a thing, there's places that you go to buy a thing that you then put on Instagram.

Like there's, like, there's, I don't know if you've been to that, there's an ice cream place where it's like an ice cream cone, but then it's got like a huge collar of candy floss around it.

I've been there, yeah.

Yeah, and that seems to have been created simply for people to put on Instagram because it's probably a pain in the ass to eat.

Yeah.

But

it just looks good.

It's for likes.

There's no way that's worth it.

It was very ordinary.

Oh, you had that?

I had it.

Yeah.

If there's anywhere that's been on Instagram, I've probably been there if I've been able to access it.

It's the same with like freak shakes.

You know, freak shakes?

Yeah, sure.

Where they've just got like all manner of shit in there and then all the sauce is dribbling down the side of the glass.

That gets on my nerves.

It feels like a heart attack.

It's a heart attack, and you can't drink it because it's just a dirty cup.

Symphatical, yeah, because the sauce on the outside of the glass is very annoying.

It's just for the picture.

Just for the pic.

How did you go about eating the ice cream with the collar of candy floss around it?

So you have to get through the candy floss first.

And so you just stand there kind of like a child trying to eat it.

And it's very, it's really unexciting to eat candy floss.

It's like fun for the first like maybe bite, but then it's kind of like a chore, I think.

And then you just eat it regularly, like the ice cream.

Not very exciting.

Not is it?

The candy floss I find, yeah, just ugh.

It's that instant guilt of it.

You just go, I'm just eating goddamn sugar.

And like, you could feel it, like, dissolve in your gums.

Yeah.

It's not good.

I've never liked candy floss.

Luckily, I mean, like I say, I always say this, I'm type one diabetic.

I could eat candy floss if I wanted, but it's just, it's pointless.

It's pure sugar.

Yeah.

And they made it blue as if that makes it more enticing.

Have you had blue candy floss?

Like, that is so much worse.

It doesn't look like it exists in real life.

I've seen...

It looks like a cloud.

Yeah.

It looks like a Smurf's hair.

I've seen blue, pink, white, and yellow candy floss.

Yellow.

Yellow seems not.

That gives me...

That's like yellow snow.

Yeah,

yeah, exactly.

I didn't want to be

seen.

Things I peed out.

Yeah, exactly.

Like maybe a new Instagram account for just drinks.

That's not how it works, is it?

Yes.

What?

Yeah.

That's how it works, right?

Drinks just go into pee?

Yeah, you peed to the drink.

You peed out.

Yeah, yeah.

I second guess myself then what's the other what were you second guessing yourself about I thought that oh no it's not that drinks go into pee and foo goes into poo it they both go into both

is what I convinced myself of

I just convinced myself of that and then instantly was like no that's not the case I was right what are you thinking you'll be like weighing out some chicken wings or something yeah yeah I thought it just all gets sorted into different stuff

but I suppose asparagus makes you wee stink so

well I think isn't pee like all the poison

or something extracted from your body.

They're all waste products.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

I mean what we're doing now is the opposite of a food podcast.

Kind of, but like,

you know.

But Benito is desperately trying to get us off this topic.

No, she did a Halloween cheese board.

A Halloween cheese board.

Okay.

She would do like a barbecue for the whole road.

That's a whole nother story.

Do we have time for it, my wife?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So she'd do like a cheese board, and then she would do a barbecue where she'd do like burgers and hot dogs at the front.

For the whole road.

Yeah.

Invite them over and go.

Yeah, and she'd make a huge time.

Do you know anything about Fisticick?

She didn't even know about it then.

No.

It's only since she started watching Orange is the New Black, which I also wish she didn't watch.

But anyway.

You can have onions if you let me know about Belgium.

Oh, no I hope she doesn't listen to this and now ask me about Belgian

do you know what a dirty sand she has

how dare you

oh god I genuinely feel I'm like anxious when I'm gonna be asked these questions yeah yeah

would she like bake a pumpkin and then serve a Thai pumpkin soup out of it it was amazing yeah that's really good that's delicious that sounds very good it was nobody minded what she asked but the sword was excellent.

So, Montega.

Manchega.

Maybe the truffle one.

I don't know.

I quite like a comte.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

That's in my top five as well.

Is it?

Yes.

Huh?

I fly with the flu in my face.

Well, then, how could you possibly be expected to listen?

I'm sorry.

Famously, if a fly flies in James's face, he can't listen to it.

A comte, did you say?

Yeah, comte, yeah.

Yes.

And, oh, I'd quite like some strawberries to go with my brie.

What?

Yeah.

Brie wind?

What the hell are you talking about?

But if they're macerated in balsamic, and then you...

That's too much for me.

Is it too much?

I mean, it's your menu.

By all means, you have to be.

Maybe just some apple, even?

Just some apple?

I believe no, but I believe strawberries and brie is just known as strawberrie.

I think that is the official name of it.

You are so happy.

Would you like some strawberry?

He looks so pleased.

James Scott's

one of the finest comedians in the world.

He's hugely inventive.

But when he comes up with a dad joke, at that level, that's the happiest he has ever seen.

I'm having a roller coaster ride today.

I was battling flies and stuff.

I'm trying to remember a Manchester restaurant, and then I was going to cheese quite a bit.

Strawberry, perfect.

I want some crawfish.

Yeah.

I want boiled crawfish

with potatoes and corn and the boil, and we'll call those my vegetables.

And this is a side now.

Yep, yeah, you can flip it like that.

That's fine.

Have you had that?

I've never had that.

I'm obsessed with having it.

I really want to have it.

It's where you see like videos of them

emptying it on a table, just on some like on some newspaper, and everyone just going to town.

Yeah.

It's fucking madness.

It's delicious.

It's so great.

Are the crawfish in shells?

They're in shells.

They're in their their whole little red bodies.

I think you boil them like alive or something.

I don't know.

My dad, when he preps them, he puts like a lot of salt on them.

And then they like eat the salt.

And then they like vomit and shit everything inside of them.

And now they're like clean enough to eat.

Yeah.

What?

That's dead.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's deep.

It sounds like the most unappetizing meal ever.

You don't eat it.

You make an animal vomit and shit everything else.

You don't eat those liquids.

No, but but still, I mean.

You're getting rid of the liquids.

Yeah.

Like purging them, we call it purging.

And now they're like clean or whatever.

So if you boil them, then you don't end up with shit in that water.

Yep.

Because you've already de-shitted them.

Yeah, you've already de-shitted them beforehand.

Yeah.

So like when you get a prawn and there's the poop line.

Yeah.

If they gave them some salt, then there wouldn't be a prawn line.

They would have shot already.

Yeah.

I hate the poop line.

I hate when you're eating something and then you get really into it or like comfortable eating it and then you remember like oh man, I wonder if they took the poop out and they didn't and you've already eaten so much shrimp shit.

Yeah.

It was so sad.

How much shrimp shit do you think you've eaten if you were to like estimate?

Like one, two ounces.

Yeah,

but in your whole life.

Yeah, I'd say.

Like a little, like a shot glass full.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I've been pretty good about cleaning it myself.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

If you were given the option, like at the start of your life, to like either you're just gonna eat it every now and again, yeah,

or you can get it all out the way in one go.

Yeah.

At the start, in the shot glass, if you want to, what you're gonna choose.

I think I'm just gonna take it, take it as it comes, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, bit by bit.

Yeah,

someone's offering me some kind of monetary reward for drinking a shot glass full of shrimp shit.

I'm just gonna let it happen as it happens.

One of the most expensive dinners I ever had was

a place exactly like him.

It's called Alvin Lung, and he used to call himself,

he's going to hear this, I don't care, Alvin Lung, the demon chef.

Alvin will listen to our podcast.

And Alvin's, all the photos of him were these

big cockswinging photos of him, like holding knives and like saying the journey he was going to take.

Smashing pop-a-dums.

Smashing pop-a-doms, yeah.

And he, um, uh, so I went for dinner there, and that was one of those where

every so often they'd bring like one tiny little dim sum in, like with some kind of incredibly expensive caviar on it.

Yeah, and you know,

at the end, it cost, it was about £600 for two, and it sent me into this spiral of actual genuine depression, right?

Like, for days, I just kept thinking about like how many shoes that would that would you know pay for for inner-city children in tower hamlets kind of thing.

But one of the causes of that, you're talking about being playful.

And he said

there was what the pudding was called Sex on the Beach, right?

And what he'd done was he'd got a pile of kind of sugar and made it into sand, so it looked like sand.

And then he'd got

sugar spun something that looked like a condom

and he'd injected

sugar syrup semen into it

and then just draped it over the sand.

And

it was a playful take on when he used to live beside a beach and people used to have sex.

Oh, playful.

It's gross.

And how he got around it.

Before they asked, before

they served it, they said, it's a little bit risque.

I hope you're not going to be offended.

And of course, I'm not going to be offended from Carlisle, you know,

seen it all.

And I should apologise to Sean.

I made it sound like she made me feel sick with that moment.

That was you, James.

Yep, guilty as charged.

And I'll say it again in a second.

You were the one who wanted to turn the magician's liquid into piss.

Piss.

It was a lovely moment, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you know what, Ed?

It's been such a nice time looking back on all the memories of the podcast.

But you know what?

You know what?

And I'm going to read this exactly as Benito has written it on the paper.

Please.

Largely, the podcast is about having a fun time.

That's what is written.

That's That's what Benito likes.

That's what you've written.

That's our link.

Largely, the podcast is about having a fun time.

And I think the people who best illustrate the podcast being a fun time, thank you, Benito, are Susie Ruffle, Cindu V, Jack McBray, Nishkuma, Kamal Nanjiani, Richard Osman, Jem McKearney, and Josie Long.

So, in the words of the great Benito, largely the podcast is about having a fun time.

Like now, this is the funnest time I've ever had.

His little face.

I would find it very hard to say to the people, I want to go to the sushi samba in the shard.

It's a quite a tongue twister, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

I would like the sashimi from the sushi shamba.

I would like the shashimi from the sushi samba in the shard.

Susie likes sashimi from the sushi.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Do you know what?

I also think that I might change the restaurant, but carry on with this.

Yeah, but there's another restaurant that I really enjoy.

We might have to change the restaurant.

We'll all try and say this.

Okay.

We'll all try and say this.

So tuna.

So it's Susie likes Shashimi from the sushi samba in the shard is the full sentence.

And that was not perfect.

But like Susie likes shashimi from the sushi.

Oh, fuck.

Susie likes sashimi from the sushi

from sushi samba in the shard.

Oh, it's hard, isn't it?

It is hard.

Susie likes sashimi from the sushi samba in the shard.

It's also in heron tower, so.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, but still.

I'm also.

That nostalgia, but all food.

I mean, as my mother says,

you know, which means, I should translate, that to the hungry person, even the doorway looks like crisps.

You're so hungry.

Sounded wiser, sounded wiser beforehand.

Before you translated it, it sounded a lot wiser.

I thought, what is this

wise old parable that we're about to be told?

It's allegedly.

It's raw.

Even the doorway looks like crisps.

Well, but you're so hungry, you'll eat anything.

Sure, sure.

Even the doorway.

To the hungry person.

When you said it initially,

we both nodded and we were like very respectfully.

We both respectfully nodded.

That sounds so wise.

It sounds so wise.

It sounds just

puff up to me, you know.

The tiger has not eaten a kill.

It's literally the equivalent of in a cartoon where someone's hungry and they see their friend as a big roast chicken.

There you go, it's exactly because you're s ⁇

We got corn on the cop.

What else have you got on there again?

What did he say?

Corn on the cob.

Call on the cob.

Oh, corn on the cop.

I thought you said we're calling the cops.

Like, why?

Jack, we're calling the cops.

Bad luck.

What about luck?

What am I done?

Thought about the almonds?

Yeah.

Actually, do you know what?

Hold on, this is a bad aspect almonds.

We're calling the cops.

That's the new thing on the podcast now.

We're gonna call the cops on people.

That is gonna going to be a new thing, actually.

We've got to be

when we like

during the meal.

Also, we've got, have we got, if we've got the audio of Jack saying we're calling the cops isolated,

we can pull that out every time a guest steps out of line.

We can just play Jack saying we're calling the cops.

And it's in such a way.

I'm going to make a mint after this.

In between Christmas and New Year's, I had a peach cobbler at a place called Jackson and Rye.

Yes, and they don't do it anymore.

Yes.

And it's my favourite dessert.

And I've stopped going to that restaurant.

I refused to eat there until they reintroduced the cobbler.

It was a peach cobbler, and they used to have vanilla custard with it.

Yeah.

And it was so goddamn delicious.

Yep.

I'll see you eat that cobbler.

Yeah.

I absolutely love that cobbler.

He loves it.

I love it.

I eat that cobbler.

He was so happy about it.

He was talking about, you know, when someone is on their way to a place to eat,

and instead of just like, they're so excited about what they're going to have, they can't just talk about normal everyday things.

All they can talk about is the cobbler.

So all he was doing was walking through London talking about the cobbler

and how much he loves the cobbler.

And then he sat down and ate it, and there was in no way an anti-climax for him.

It was exactly, it's as good as he always remembered it.

But the saddest day was when it, because it was close to refurbishment, and then it opened again.

And then he was like, let's go.

It's back.

I remember going in with you, and they didn't have the cobbler anymore.

And instead, we just sat at a table and had some drinks.

And there was a table near us, I think, who were quite loud.

Yeah.

So, like, the whole vibe of the vent of the place changed.

And it was a sad day.

It was a sad day.

Did you ask them about the cobbler?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Immediately.

They said, oh, we've changed the menu around.

And I was like, well, why don't you change this menu to say, go fuck yourselves?

But it was, yeah, because like one year after.

It was an extra strong reaction.

After closing.

So when you say you don't go there anymore, is it because you're bad?

I love that.

They started doing the cobbler again.

I love it.

It's really good.

But yeah, one Christmas,

I was back.

I'd come back from spending the time with my family between Christmas and New Year's.

And New Year's Eve, we had dinner at Jackson and Rye before we went to some New Year's Eve parties.

And I ate the cobbler and I was like, this is the greatest New Year's ever.

I love the cobbler.

It's a dynamite cobbler.

Dynamite.

What set it apart from other...

Like, is there something that...

Have you had other cobblers before?

I've had a couple of other cobblers, but not in America.

I think this is the problem, is that I haven't had a cobbler in America.

Cobbler's like a sort of deep south dessert.

Yeah, it's a very, like, yeah, it's a very American dessert.

But so I think I need to, I think it's, I've not had the real stuff.

Cobbler is like...

How would you describe it?

It's the dessert.

It's kind of like a crumble, but with a different topping.

It's less crumbly.

So imagine like a crumble that is just like that topping as like more of a rock face than a

sandy beach.

But it's like it's sort of like a soft cake.

It's kind of somewhere between a cake and a crumble, yeah.

A cake pastry crumble.

That's right, yeah.

That's what it is, yeah.

And then the piece of fruit underneath it.

Stewed fruit, like

peach, delicious peach.

Delicious.

Absolutely amazing.

And then the vanilla custard is the like, that's an example where it's like the equivalent of putting pancetta on just

uh

brussels.

No, no, no, because both the constituents, it's like putting pancetta on bacon, it's like bacon-fried pancetta, yeah, sure.

It's delicious, everything

is delicious, it's like bacon-fried pancetta and it's a custard on peach cobbler is like bacon-fried pancetta.

Yeah, it's the most, it's everything is delicious.

Made with real vanilla pods, the vanilla custard?

I didn't ask.

There were blackberries in it, yes, there were blackbecks in it.

Yeah, then it's made of it.

I've always got to use the real pods to get it.

Absolutely delicious.

What a dessert.

Oh, man.

Because, I mean,

you know, because it is good to have a Christmas dessert, but Christmas pudding is like, I cannot get on board with it.

The thing is, it's too fun to not do.

And so every year that we did it, my parents were like, my aunt and uncle were like, let's stop doing it.

And then everyone's like, yeah, but at the beginning, it's like, woo.

I mean, you could just set a plate on fire.

I don't know.

But there's something really satisfying about the way it like it's like woo it's on fire but it's not on fire

it is on fire it is on fire but it's not not in a bad way you could do something right

to replace it with a different you could um set fire to like an effigy of pierce morgan yeah merry christmas and all

just eat that bundle

rejoice in it it's pretty cruel nish for your dessert to you've described it so eloquently and you've painted a real picture and i can almost feel like i can taste it but it's been discontinued discontinued well now you know how my now you understand my pain.

You've given everyone your curse of the peach cobbler.

Yeah, exactly.

Jackson and I have not had the courtesy to put the recipe online.

Some places do that.

There's a place called Honey Trap in New Zealand in Auckland, and they did the best beef brisket sandwich.

Oh, yeah, I remember you.

Incredibles with this red cabbage coleslaw and these amazing pickles in them.

And then they stopped it all shut, but then they put the recipe online.

Yeah.

So me and my girlfriend at the time were able to have a go at properly making it at New Year's Eve.

Well, I think

Nish needs this peach cobbler.

So listeners, I want you to tweet Jackson and Rai.

Yes, let's make this happen.

Hashtag bring back the cobbler.

Bring back the cobbler.

But not the Adam Sandler film.

No, not the Abbott.

Okay,

bring back Kumar's Cobbler.

Bring back Kumar's Cobbler.

Love's cobbler.

And petition to rename it Kumar's Cobbler.

Yeah, so bring it back and put it on the menu.

They've got to name it Kumar's Cobbler.

We know you're listening out there and we know you like to get involved.

Tweet Jackson and Rye.

Jackson, the traditional way, and the traditional way.

R-Y-E.

Yes.

Jackson and Rye.

Bring back Kumar's Cobbler.

It's based in London, Soho.

Bring back Kumar's Cobbler.

Bring back Kumar's Cobbler.

So, this Biryani, so Biryani has been my favorite food.

My whole life.

Yeah.

This is true.

When I was...

My parents have called me Kamal Biryani instead of Kamal Nanchiani for many, many years.

They said when I was two years old, this is my two years old.

Apparently, my grandmother cooked some biryani and it was a big, big

dinner party.

And they found me sitting in the pot of biryani, eating it with my hands.

They told me this.

I found out decades later it was a lie.

That did not happen.

My dad just said it to like make my mom laugh, which I'm like, you guys have been married for decades, so I think you don't need to flirt anymore.

The deal is sealed.

It's in the bag, dad.

And so, so, so, but that was my origin story.

I was like, oh, this is why I don't like it.

That superhero origin story.

You fell into a pan of biryani.

I just love the flavor of it.

So there's like, it's layers, right?

I know I'm regressing because that's the best I could come up with.

I like the flavor of it.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

As soon as you laugh at me, your family calling you Kamal Biryani, I was like, James is not going to stop laughing at me.

Yeah, I can't stop laughing at you being called Kamal Biryani.

I can't also, when you said about falling into the pot of biryani and being found eating it,

and just the fact it was a lie, that you were being told it.

So, like, I always imagine the lies like when you came out and you were sitting in that pot and you'd eat all the biryani, and you were two years old, but you looked up at us and you said, More, please.

Yeah, your first words were, biryani, more please

all lies

and then my dad when i told him when he he was like when he told me it was a lie it wasn't like i have to tell you something he was like it was very dismissive he's like yeah it was a lie i was like what and he's like yeah imagine how hot a pot of biryani is you think you crawled in there and if a pot is full there's no room for you to crawl in so he's like just the physics doesn't work

you know how when you're a little kid you hear something and then you don't question the the logic of it.

And then in your 20s

you look at it again and you're like, oh no, there's no way that could have happened.

It's like a pet going to live on a farm.

Exactly.

Yeah, sure.

But it's a baby sitting in a pot of viriana.

So it's layers.

It's layers.

Take us through the layers.

And so at the bottom is sort of the potatoes and

the curry and the meat and you cook that first and then you put raw rice on it and then you cover it up so that when it cooks all the fragrance of the curry sort of cooks through the rice.

It's very slow-cooked.

And

so there's rice on top, which is mostly plain rice.

Then, as you get, I'm having trouble.

As you get closer to the bottom, the rice becomes more and more flavorful, and you can start seeing the colors of the

base in the rice as you get to the bottom.

And then at the bottom is the most flavor.

So, when you're getting biryani, you have to sort of go straight down.

Yeah, yeah, so you get all the different layers of it.

So you get you want to get some of the plain rice just to mix it up.

Then you get the flavorful rice, and then at the bottom, you get that.

And then,

God, I'm struggling.

And then there's, you get enough potatoes.

And I don't know how my grandmother did it, but her potatoes had flavors right through the middle, and they would be very orange, like, like, not yellow.

So, whatever she was doing to it was like changing the color of the potatoes.

And the potatoes are very, they're very soft, these potatoes they melt in your mouth

has this recipe been passed down your family so my mother makes it too and my mother's is very very very good yeah my mother is probably the best cook i know other than my grandmother

but

there is maybe a five percent difference three percent uh sure my grandmother's is three percent better

and i can't tell you what the difference is but if you blindfold me i would be able to pick them up you better know yeah it's not just a psychological thing

There is a very, very small difference.

Imagine if we blindfotted you to do the taste test.

Well, you took the blindfold off, you were sitting in a pot of beer.

We've done it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that would be amazing.

And so, if you see my plate, as I said, I'm working from least to favorite.

I will always have a huge, so I'll get two big pieces of potato.

I'll get meat, I'll get all that stuff.

One piece of potato to eat with each bite.

So each bite is there's some

plain rice.

There's some of the flavorful rice.

Then there's some of the really good juicy stuff

and a piece of the potato.

So every bite has sort of everything in it and then I'm leaving one piece of potato.

all the way at the end.

So when I finish everything else, all that's left is one piece of potato.

That's the headliner.

Yes, it's the headliner.

It's orange right to the middle.

And then I eat that very, very slowly.

What do you say before you eat it?

I'm not saying much of anything.

You'll say, like,

here we go.

Yeah, I made it.

Or it's all been built into this.

Kamal Biryani strikes again?

Yeah, that'd be great if you say that.

The Kamal Biryani strikes again.

Which is a shame because I like some bread at the start of a meal.

So do I.

Because when else do you eat bits of bread?

Yeah, exactly.

You don't eat a big lump of bread.

You'd never at home just go, I'm hungry.

I'm going to eat some bread and then I'll have some food.

Is it dinner time?

Yeah.

Did you dip it in some oil?

No, I don't really like that.

I'm quite fussy.

I don't like it when they bring out things I don't really know what it is.

You know what oil is, though, right?

I know what...

Yeah, but

come on.

I can point this computer up.

Don't you know what oil is?

I think I do.

Although, define oil.

I've got him here, James.

Well, it's impossible to define it.

There's many different oils.

Olive oil.

I didn't say name some oils.

Right.

I said, Define oil.

Liquid fat.

Yeah?

Well, no, petroleum isn't liquid fat, is it?

No, but they're not going to bring you out a bit of petroleum, are they?

Oh, he's absolutely dodging the question.

What was the question?

Define oil.

Define oil.

Yeah, but why am I defining oil?

I can't remember why I'm defining it now.

Because you said you know what oil is, don't you?

Yeah.

But you know what?

I'm asking you.

When they present you with some oil, you know what that is.

Well, I suppose so.

Anyway, I don't like it.

To the next notch.

Yeah.

Who's arrived at the party?

Oh.

When the madras walks through the door, what human form is it taking?

Alright, it's taking the form of

Snoop Dogg.

Snoop Dogg is the Madras.

Snoop Dogg's the Madras.

Here comes Snoop Dogg.

That would be a livener.

Yeah, that would be a livener.

I feel like suddenly I've got a lot more energy.

But what I would say about Snoop Dogg is I'm sure he's great at a party, but I would never describe him as a livener.

I feel like a lot of his public persona is actually quite relaxed

for various reasons.

Yeah, but he's Snoop Dogg.

Yeah, everyone will definitely be like, oh my god, Snoop Dogg.

It's Snoop Dogg.

And then when suddenly the party's now buzzing.

I'm imagining him because he's a lamb madrasse walking in with a little lamb under his arm.

Snooped on with a lamb.

Yeah.

I wouldn't even be that surprised.

I don't know why.

You'd be like, oh, he's got a lamb.

He's got a pet lamb.

Snooped lamb now.

Check his name yet again.

Sure.

But I know what you mean.

It's still, yeah, it feels like a treat.

I wouldn't normally have it, but now and again, if I do it, I'll always make the dad joke of going, like, why not?

Let's splash out, have some sparkling water.

I do mean that deep down.

Lizzie's going to be such a good dad.

Oh, 100%.

Yeah, I'll make the joke about sparkling water all the time.

You need to make your jokes regularly and forever.

Yes, absolutely.

I'm cool.

Hi, Cool.

I'm Dad.

You know.

I haven't heard that one before.

Genuinely like that.

That was a not in the

laugh.

One of my favourites that I do now, and I'll be doing it as a dad as well, is

when they bring all the food to the table, I'll say, what's everyone else having?

Oh, lovely.

Lovely.

Oh, you've just finished the whole meal.

Yeah.

Well, that was the start of them.

Yeah, yeah, perfect.

Perfect.

Oh,

you finished the entire meal.

They come to pick up your plate.

Couldn't eat a mouthful of it.

Absolutely disgusting.

Yeah, that's a classic.

You go, oh no, I hated that.

Hated it.

When it's Halloween, if someone's dressed up, they've got a mask on, and Dad had go, Well, you put your costume on, yeah.

Or they take the mask off, and they go, Take the mask off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or

you're on the phone, you have a really long conversation, and you put it down, you go, wrong number.

Yeah, wrong number.

I do that all the time.

I can't help with it.

On that tour, you did that all the time.

Actually, when I was on tour with Greg Davis, whenever we had a meal and the waiter came over, his joke would be, oh, mine was delicious, but he ate his.

Oh, bit harsh.

Bad boss.

Bad boss.

Evil boss.

He learned everything he knows from you.

He never tried to dunk you in the sea, though, did he?

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Oh, there you go.

What a fun time.

So much fun.

Largely.

Largely, I absolutely loved it.

Oh, hey, I hope you've had fun listening to the podcast over the year, listeners.

And I'll tell you what, we couldn't do it without you.

We really appreciate your support.

It means a lot to us.

It does indeed.

Thank you.

Thank you for all your lovely messages about the podcast.

We love hearing that you're enjoying it.

I hope you've had a lovely 2019.

If you haven't, don't worry, it's 2020, Sue.

Yeah, yeah, 2020 is coming up.

I hope you have a lovely 2020 for me, Ed, and the Great Bonito.

We all hope you have a lovely and prosperous 2020.

And we'll be back very soon for Series 3, so don't worry about that.

But to play us out, to say goodbye, here's a little something that the great Benito has edited together.

Popped up bed,

popped up

some bread, Jess.

Popped up some bread.

Popped up every time.

Popped up some bread, actually.

Yeah, popped up bread.

Pop dumbs or bread, bread.

Fuck.

My level of effervescence.

Pop an arms or bread, Jay.

Pop and logs or bread.

Well, it depends where you are, James.

You're here in the dream restaurant, Jay.

Right, so you've got the party started.

Pop an arms or bread.

Pop and lobs or bread, Jimmy.

Pop and numbs or bread.

I'm gonna go with pop and dumps, please.

Yeah?

Yes.

I'm big time going sparkling.

Yeah.

Pop numbs or bread.

Pop an arms or bread, Jamie.

Now, this is where I'm starting to wish it was just me.

Yes.

Also, I have to ask you.

Pop an arms or bread, Joel!

Pop it up some bread!

Such an angry genie.

Pop it arms or bread, darling!

Oh jeez.

Pop it up so bread.

God, you pick your moment.

Even when you know it's happening.

Even when you was fully aware that this is going to happen at some stage.

I mean, it's not even an issue, it's Brett.

But,

oh, wow.

That is

surprisingly aggressive.

Uh uh Josie.

Uh popcoms up's on bread Josie.

Pop it up's on bread.

Oh, this has come out of nowhere.

Uh next.

Poppin' um's on bread.

Poppin' umzor bread.

Okay.

Pop it up soft bread.

Pop it up soft bread.

I mean, it's

very alarming.

It's like.

Yeah.

Pop it up soft bread.

Pop it up's all bread.

Pop their dumbs.

I do watch what I eat because of that and I know what, like, pizza's an absolute nightmare.

Yeah, yeah.

because like the blood sugar goes up and down, bearing in mind the carbs and the fat and all that.

It's all boring scientific stuff.

Pop it up so bread, Johnny.

Pop it up as all bread.

Pop it up as all bread.

Pop it up so bread.

Pop it ups or bread, Dad's right.

Pop numbs or bread.

Um, okay, my goodness.

Pop it on so bread, Jack.

Pop it up as old bread.

What is he saying?

Pop it up so bread.

Poppet pop is off the bread?

What is the thing?

Poppers off the bread.

Pop an ups or bread.

Pop an episode of bread.

Poppin' ups or bread, Evelyn.

Pop it up's all bread.

Love it when it still scares people.

Evelyn got a little scared there.

You really got scared.

I got really scared.

I had to hold my face.

That was very scary.

Comes up.

Yeah.

Bread or pop a dumbs, Richard!

Say again.

Bread or pop a dumbs.

Oh, bread or pop-a-dums.

Yeah.

You'll never taste the devil's jism.

You're a lovely lad.

Yeah, exactly.

Pop it ups or bread, Victoria.

Pop it ups or bread.

What?

I mean, is it...

Am I having a curry?

Just get you all those.

Easy.

Pop-a-dums or bread.

Pop-dums or bread, Camail.

Pop-a-dumps or bread.

There you go.

Pop-a-dumbs or bread.

Pop-a-dums or bread, Loyal Cana.

Pop-a-dums.

Pop-a-dums.

Yeah.

I like a pop-a-dom, man.

Can we just say, I think Loyal goes straight into the top three if people absolutely taking that in his stride.

Yeah, absolutely didn't care.

Did not budge one inch when you shouted that.

Yeah, pop-dums or bread.

Pop-dums or bread, Mike.

Pop-dums or bread.

dumbs or bread?

Bubbly.

Bubbly, though.

Bubbly, so bubbly.

Pop dumps or bread.

Pop dumps or bread, Sophie.

Pop-lumps or bread.

Not poppa dums, I don't like poppa dumbs.

What?

What?

Mm-mm.

Fair enough.

Pop-dums or bread, Sydney.

Pop-dums or bread.

What's the first word?

Pop-a-dums.

Oh, pop-burd.

Right.

Huh?

Pop-burd.

That's what it's called.

Okay, cool.

Pop-dums or bread, Susie.

Uh, poppa dums?

Yeah.

But that's fine.

Uh, and a pop-dums or bread!

Pop a dumbs or bread, Christian.

What?

Pop-a-doms or bread!

That is always shouted.

It's a fine line.

Pop-a-doms or bread, Carrie!

Pop-a-doms or bread!

Pop-a-doms?

Is it an Indian restaurant?

Pop-a-doms or bread!

Bread!

Now, Lolly.

Yes.

Pop-doms or bread.

You made Benito jump, Benito knew it was coming.

Pop-doms or bread!

Couldn't relate.

Pop-a-dumbs or bread, Jordan!

Pop-a-dums or bread!

I knew it was coming as well!

Pop-doms or bread!

Pop lobs or bread, Keva!

Oh, bread, bread!

Pop lobs or bread!

Pop it up some bread, Tom!

Pop lobs or bread, Serge!

Pop nubs or bread!

Oh man.

Big question now, James.

Oh yeah, let me ask you this, Phil.

Pop it up some bread, Phil!

Pop it ups or bread!

Something, please.

Pop nubs or bread!

Pop loves or bread, Marcus!

Pop nobs or bread!

Pop beds or bread!

Only a snowy bread.

I don't know, that's the one that stuck.

Shannon Sharnage.

That's another extra.

Pop numbs or bread!

Pop nums or bread, Shannon!

Pop nums or bread!

Pop nums or bread!

Popped ups or bread, Rose!

Pop a dumbs or bread!

Pop a dumb?

Also, Pop Lums or bread, Selassie!

Pop a dumbs or bread!

Ooh.

Again, the only person completely not phased by me shouting.

I don't flinch whatsoever.

I mean, for the listener,

I think it is so unfair that

the listener did not get to see that because

normally I shout it at people and they're a bit startled, they didn't quite expect it.

So Lassie not only didn't flinch, didn't move a muscle, he maintained eye contact with me the whole time.

He looked right at me and then

pop thumbs on bread.

Put it on the bread, Daisy.

Bread.

Christ.

Proper jumped.

Really jumped, didn't you?

Yeah, I did.

That's good.

Haven't had a jumper in a while.

So it's not Barrata is not going to be your starter.

No, it's not.

No, Pop-A-N's or Bread, Jump.

Yes!

Yes!

Of course, Lysip would be the one who would have loaded in the cannon, almost like you knew I was going to...

Obviously, you knew that I was going to shout it at you, but it's like you knew I was going to do it then.

Yeah.

Also, Nish.

Pop it ups or bread, Nish!

Pop it ups or bread!

What do you think I'm going to say?

I don't know.

Pop alums, mate.

Yes, pop-a-doms.

I'm not an animal.

I do love a break.

By the way, I feel like I should point out we ask this to everyone.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

so you check all that but you don't check to see what your ride options are in this economy next time check lift

oh hi james have you heard the news oh yeah go on you and i are modern boys because the off menu podcast is now on youtube this is embarrassing Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, badgering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.

They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok at Off Menu Podcast on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it.

And you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.