Ep 42: Greg Davies (Christmas Special)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

You know how everything's a subscription now?

Music, movies, even socks.

I swear if it.

To continue this ad, please upgrade to Premium Plus Platinum.

Uh, what?

No.

Anyway, Blue Apron.

This is a pay-per-listen ad.

Please confirm your billing.

Oh, that's annoying.

At least with the new Blue Apron, there's no subscription needed.

Get delicious meals delivered without the weekly plan.

Wait, no subscription?

Keep the flavor.

Ditch the subscription.

Get 20% off your first two orders with code APRIN20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com slash terms for more.

Hi, who here loves when their nails are perfectly done?

Me?

I'm Sarah Gibson-Tuttle, and I started Olive in June because, let's be real, we all deserve to have gorgeous nails, but who wants to spend a fortune or half their day at the salon?

And that's why I created the Manny system.

So you can have that salon perfect manicure right at home.

And guess what?

The best part?

Each Manny only costs $2.

yep you heard me two dollars no more 30 40 50 salon trips that eat up your day now you can paint your nails whenever you want wherever you want and trust me you're gonna be obsessed with your nails and everyone is gonna ask you where did you get your nails done and here's a little something extra head over to olive and june.com and get 20 off your first manny system with code perfect manni20 at olivinjune.com slash perfect manni 20.

that's code perfect manny 20 for 20 off at olive and june.com slash perfect perfectmanny20.

You're all set for a nail glow-up.

Let's get those nails looking fabulous, shall we?

And then just at the last minute, you whack the heat right up and you are guaranteed a very crispy podcast.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

Deep and crisp and even.

Deep and Crisp and Even, it's a Christmas special of the Off Menu Podcast.

Oh, ho ho!

Is that the sound Santa makes?

No, it's the sound the Jolly Green Giant makes, because this week our guest is Greg Davis.

Yes, James is obsessed with calling him the Jolly Green Giant, so we'll see how that goes down during the episode.

Oh,

it is.

It is the Christmas special.

James, what are you doing for Christmas?

What am I doing?

Oh, we'll sit around and ask Greg Davis what his favourite ever started main course dessert side dish and drink up.

What I really like about you is you absolutely refuse to have small small talk on the intro to the podcast.

I thought we'd just have a quick chat about Christmas, then we'll get onto the concepts of the podcast, and then we'll crack on with it.

Absolutely none of it from you.

Well, in all honesty, genies don't celebrate Christmas.

Oh, are you a genie in the intro as well?

Yes.

All right, okay.

What do genies celebrate?

I think I am.

Huh?

Well, genies, we celebrate Pancake Day.

Oh, right.

All year round.

Yeah.

Every day?

Yeah, just, well, no, every holiday, so every major festival and stuff like that.

Replaced by pancake days.

Replace it with pancake day, yeah.

So Halloween.

You get pancake day.

What happens when people come and trickle treat on your lamp?

I'd give them a pancake.

Lovely stuff.

So as James said, we'll be asking Greg Davis' favourite meal.

But if he says a certain ingredient, he will be removed from the restaurant and we do have security to help us remove him.

Absolutely.

Green beans and sweet corn.

No, you're getting obsessed with the Jolly Green Giant thing again.

We will kick you out if you say that, Green Giant.

We know what your favourite food is.

The secret ingredient this week is cacao nibs.

Cacao nibs.

Now, I know there's you put them in posh chocolate because you think it's cool, but they're not.

They're too crunchy.

Yeah.

It feels like I'm eating teeth again.

That's my main problem with food.

Sometimes you feel like you're eating parts of your teeth that have come out.

Absolutely.

And they're bitter.

And where's the rest of it?

Right?

The nibs?

Okay.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

That hints that there's more.

You're just giving me the nib.

Where's the rest of it?

So your problem with it is you feel like you're being shortchanged.

Yeah.

You'd like a whole cacao.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I'd like the whole cacao, please.

Here's the nib.

Oh, thank you so much.

What did you do with the good stuff?

If you were buying a pen, yeah, and they just gave you a nib.

How am I supposed to write with that?

Exactly.

So, cacao nibs are the secret ingredient.

If Greg even mentions them, he's being booted out of the restaurant.

Giant town.

Back up the clouds.

But for now, Merry Christmas

to you all.

Here is the off-menu menu of

Can I tell you what else I can't say?

Yes.

I can if I say it slowly, and it is the AA.

The AA?

Yeah.

So you sort of didn't do it there.

No.

Try and say it slowly.

Even though I did it really slowly.

So imagine, so let's do a roll.

If I say it's so quickly, I stick another A on.

So, okay, so we're driving.

Oh, now we've broken down.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh.

Rustifying the AAA.

Yeah,

hey.

And that wasn't me making it up.

The AAA.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that you're singing.

Yeah.

You launch it into a little song.

Why is that?

I've never met anyone who can't do that.

Well, welcome, Greg, to the Dream Restaurant.

Oh, God.

I hope a genie comes out of a lump soon.

Whoa!

Welcome, Greg Davis, to the Dream Restaurant.

I had a nice chatting to you from inside the lamp.

Good to put a face-to-face voice.

Can we put a sound effect on James's voice when we were talking over here, like he's inside a lamp?

So it's like, echoing him inside a lamp, please, Benito.

Is the concept I've never...

Am I to treat James A.

Caster like I've never met him before?

And is this a new persona that I should respect?

What you'll notice about the genie is he's very close to James's normal persona.

Yeah.

And we could almost proceed from here without mentioning that James is a genie at all.

Okay.

Yes.

But yeah, it's like...

But I do feel feel like I want to treat you differently straight away.

You can.

You can.

There's no rules as to how you treat me.

How would you like to treat me compared to what changes from how you used to treat me?

What's the degree of respect now?

You're a genie.

Really?

This is new territory.

I like it very much.

So what you needed to treat James with respect was for him to be a magical figure.

Pretend to be a magical figure.

Oh, pretend to be figured.

That was all it would have taken for one taskmaster.

Oh, God.

You'd have sailed through.

You'd have just made the effort to be anyone but but yourself.

No one's tried that yet, have they?

No.

It's been someone else.

Get that.

People are always very eager

for me to take the piss out of James for coming second bottom on Taskmaster.

Coming second for bottom is fine though, because I'm people's champ.

Well, that's something you've invented, though, isn't it?

Well, you can't prove it, can you?

I'm always surprised when anyone thinks that winning Taskmaster, and I say this with the greatest of respect to my friend here,

is an indication of

any kind of

skill-based.

There's an ability or skill base.

I'm with Greg on that one, actually.

It doesn't really mean anything.

Oh, it is.

Often the people who've done the worst on Taskmaster are the people who

resonate the most with the public.

Funniest ones.

Not in James's case, obviously.

I didn't even I forgot you came second bottom because I thought you were quite good at it.

Yeah, I thought you were all right.

I thought you came second bottom.

I thought it marked down harshly.

Well,'cause you weren't a genie.

A few things.

Kevin Godman was on it.

He was very good at just getting it done.

Just nap it also.

Very good mind for all.

And Rod Gilbert is your best mate.

Well, he isn't, eh?

Is it not?

Who is your best friend?

No, it's not true.

Rod is a good friend of mine, but the notion that I would in any way want him to do well in any aspect of his career is a nonsense.

I can't live having this argument again, guys.

Come on.

We're at the dream restaurant.

It's more about managing personalities.

But that's what my job often is, James.

That's true.

I've got respect now, though.

Have you?

Yeah, because I'm a genie.

so I'm

having this conversation with him on an equal footing.

In the room yeah.

Yeah yeah in the room.

Are you a food boy Greg?

Not at all.

I mean as I've got older I probably am a little more discerning.

As a young man I found it an inconvenience

to getting on with life.

Really?

Although as you can see I've indulged in it heartily.

That inconvenience.

Got on with it.

Yeah.

But then...

But you used to be a

skinny tall boy, weren't you?

I was a skinny tall boy.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah for a long time.

Yeah, that surprised you

no actually

no no no I can imagine you as a skinny tall boy.

I was quite a weedy asthmatic child.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Asthmatic still.

I've been as a whippet.

I think as a little whippet.

Yeah.

Good swimmer?

Very good swimmer.

Very bad at everything else.

Good swimmer.

Yeah.

County level.

Yeah.

Did it take you a genie?

You're not the only one with surprises.

I've never seen I was very good at it.

I've never seen a tall swimmer before.

So you must be really good.

I was fast.

I cut through the the water.

The thing is, he's so tall.

He could literally just push off and then immediately be on the other end.

Well, that's a nonsense.

You went immediately.

And I'm glad you brought that up because that's an irritation

that's been eating away at me for years.

Yes.

The idea that my extra cup, a few inches, would help me in a swimming race is a nonsense.

And it's something that Russell Stoves claimed in 1981 when I took his cup off him.

And if you're listening, Stoves, fuck you.

You didn't make it either, did you?

And

secondly, when I played darts, there's always somebody who says, oh, you can just lean over and put it in the board.

Why have I got eight-foot arms?

Little stink here.

But you can't drown, can you, if you're tall, standing up in the deep end?

What do you mean?

You must just stand up in the deep end.

The deep end in Shrewsbury baths, where I trained, was 12 and a half foot.

Do you think I'm 12 and a half foot?

Or that I've got a periscope mouth?

Yeah.

Yes.

Your head just like popping up above the water.

Your little periscope mouth.

I wish I did have a periscope mouth.

That'd be good, wouldn't it?

What would you do?

What would be the first thing?

You just stand at the bottom of 12 foot pools and breathe freely.

Eat Maltese?

Yep.

Pop some Maltese in your mouth while you're underwater?

I mean I can pop Maltese in my mouth with my normal mouth.

Not when you're underwater though.

No.

No, not when you're underwater.

Not 12 foot underwater.

Malteses are the hardest because they're quite light and they'll float to the surface and you won't be able to.

I mean arguably I could take Malteses down to a depth of 12 foot and still consume them.

But they'll float up to the bottom.

They'll float up or they'll go socky.

Oh, no, they'd float up if I didn't hold them in my hands.

Yeah.

I wasn't suggesting I could take them down with my mind.

It might be difficult.

You can't really shepherd them down to the bottom.

But we used to play.

I'm just going to go back to the point about you getting there quicker because you're taller.

When we were on tour together,

we used to play One Push when the hotel had a swimming pool.

We invented a whole game with like Olympic rules.

One push.

One push.

And I was the the champion.

Yeah, because.

Because you always use my height to suggest that's why I was a champion there.

So one push is you all start at the same time and you've all got to push off underwater

and try and get to the other end.

Guess how many pushes you're allowed?

One push.

Yeah, one push.

Great.

And also before you go under, you have to say your catchphrase, which is predetermined.

You all have a different catchphrase?

Yeah.

You can decide it though.

Yeah.

It's normally something about going underwater or...

I can't remember mine.

I think mine was

say hello to the fishes.

Yeah, it was.

Do Do you remember what yours was?

I can't.

No.

I always say Say Hello to the Fishes like a gangster

and then push off.

I know you push off on the water.

It wasn't Betcher by Golly Wow, was it?

No, I don't think it was.

What?

I thought it might be Betcher by Golly Wow.

What the hell is that?

It's a song by the 60s Band of Stylistics.

Oh, yes.

I think your category is something about

Maltesers.

Yeah.

I think it was short to eat a Maltese and then you push off.

So you both go under.

Some range.

It was just the two of of you.

Tour manager as well.

I was the tour manager, which was sometimes a professional tour manager, Trevor.

Sometimes my mate, Brian.

Your mate, Brian.

I'm a member, Brian.

I supported you on one tour day ever.

Brian wasn't there because he was hungover.

Ah, yeah.

That was the only time I supported you.

My tour manager would not be here, but he's too hungover.

He supported me and thinking...

He's a funny boy.

Yeah, he's a little funny boy.

Do you know what he said to me after you supported him?

Did you say hello to the fishes?

He went, I tell you what, James Acaster, he's actually funny, isn't he?

He's proper funny.

The thing about me and you, Ed, is with personality comics.

We've got to make them say.

You did.

I don't think that of myself.

What you did, you went, we've got to go out there and make them come to us.

James lets them come to him.

Yeah.

Yeah,

there is that style.

Our style is a little more needy, isn't it?

Yo, desperate, yeah.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm

absolutely needy now.

All that confidence I had early on has that's gone now.

Is that gone?

Oh, it's gone now.

And here's what I remember as well: is that that was the show where you made your support outdress as a bonsai tree at the end.

Yeah, it did.

And it was very early on in

the formation of the bonsai costume.

So instead of it being a small bonsai tree strapped to your head, you had to put your head in a full bonsai tree pot and there was a whole cat out the front for your face.

And James came on and he'd accidentally put it on the wrong way around so it was just fully blocked off.

No, no, no, no, no.

With that, you had covered your face up.

My one was there was a morph suit that you had to wear with the bodzi tree on top of it, on your head.

Yeah.

But yeah, I put it on the wrong way.

So you put the morph suit on the wrong way.

So I put the morph suit on the wrong way so my side.

Because the morph suit had a hood.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that you could pull it over and leave your face free so that you could move around and breathe.

And talk.

Yeah.

And talk.

Yeah.

Which you do have to in that role.

And James had put it on backwards and pulled the hood over his face.

And put the hood over my face.

And then the bonsai tree was on the top of my head, but really precariously balancing.

And I walked on like properly with my arms, like stumbling and trying to find something so I wouldn't fall over.

I heard Greg laughing.

Heard Greg tell the audience that I wasn't supposed to do that.

And then the tree fell off my head.

Yeah.

It was very, very bad.

It didn't go well.

No.

Or it went really well.

But that's the thing.

He's letting the audience come to him.

He is.

I was letting them come to that.

That's what he does.

Where he's wearing the show moface.

But I was going, please.

I've put a pretty eyeshadow on.

Not the tree.

Please look at my lovely eyes.

So, food is an inconvenience.

Can we tell the food story?

Because this is not about Brian that that's not out there in the public, but it is food related.

Which one?

When we were late for Manchester?

Oh, yes.

My mate who tour managed me was really, really stressed.

He was not good at tour managing or organising things or not getting drunk so that he was able to drive the next day.

Yeah, great guy.

We were late, half an hour late

for Salford.

Well, we didn't know until we arrived.

It was a gig, though.

He thought it was an eight o'clock start, but we arrived and they went, where the hell have you been?

It's a 7.30 start.

We were like, all right, no idea.

And it was a really main room.

It was like the manager was really stressed.

It's 2,000 people who they hadn't let in, I don't think.

No, no.

So they were all milling around being angry.

And he had to set the stage up, which takes 25 minutes normally.

And so I was clearly very angry, and he ran away to set the stage up.

Came back back into the dressing room and he was so stressed.

Ed and I were sitting there.

He was so stressed and upset and sweating and was saying, I think we're all right now.

I think we're all right.

And his catchphrase is chicken me up.

Meaning, who wants to chat about something?

Really?

Yeah,

very complicated.

Chicken me up.

But he came in and he'd managed to set the stage up in 10 minutes and he had a family bag of kettle crisps in his hand.

He goes, oh, Christ, that's.

He never apologised, interesting.

He goes, Oh, that was stressful.

I think we're all right now.

They're letting them in.

And I set the stage up.

Oh, my God, what a night.

Chicken me up.

And then he popped his, he banged his hands together on the crisp bag to reward himself with some lovely crisps for the stress.

And the bottom came out of it, and

all of the crisps fell on the floors.

And he said, Chicken Me Up.

And he walked out the room.

And we didn't see him.

That was it.

Just is all is his reward.

What a tragic man.

Yeah.

Grotto person to be on tour with Greg as well.

And I think that was the night then he had two espresso martinis.

Just before he went to bed.

Just before he went to bed.

Anyway, I'm off to bed.

And then the next morning he's like, oh, I didn't go.

I wouldn't get sleep.

I can't work out why.

Yeah.

And we were going to Scotland that day and I had to drive.

Yeah, great.

Yeah, that's absolutely not your job.

I was paying him.

Yeah, yeah.

He was being paid for a lovely old sleep.

We always start with still or sparkling water, Greg.

Oh, okay.

As in all restaurants.

Do you know

Paul Showdry?

Yeah, yes.

Have you had him on?

No, not yet.

I mean,

I'd love to.

I went for a meal with Paul Showdry once after filming a thing, and

the waitress came up to us and went,

Can I get you a drink?

And he goes, Yes, do you have water?

And she said, Yes, I do, still or sparkling.

And he went, What do you recommend?

And I don't think, well, I don't think Paul was joking

sparkling please sparkling water yeah yeah no I seem I seem to remember a phase of you saying that you you weren't gonna have sparkling water anymore because someone had told you it was bad for you

my one of the senior figures at my management told me yeah that yeah he told me that it blocks vitamins what

What?

Now this is something you need to know about Greg.

Often he'll be told something and that will really stick in the forefront of his mind.

It becomes true.

And it becomes true.

So you believe that the bubbles block the vitamins?

To a degree.

It hasn't stopped me though, because I don't care about vitamins being blocked.

Bubbles.

Because I simply take the vitamins via another route.

But what do they think?

Do you mean

about your ass, yeah?

Yeah.

Just put pure vitamins into your body.

I put effervescent vitamin C tablets into my ass.

Yeah.

No, but let me tell you, it's quite the experience.

But you famously have quite a bubbly ass, don't you?

So

that's going to block the vitamins that way.

That's it.

That's all my next tour's called Bubbleass.

Bubble ass.

Yeah.

I wonder if anyone's done that.

Stuck some FFS and tablets in the future.

Oh, surely.

I'll eat anything that you can put up your butt.

Someone's done it.

Someone's done it.

Yeah.

Someone's done it.

Diaco Camentos.

And also, I gambling.

My brother-in-law's a bowel surgeon.

Yeah.

And when he was training, they had a man called Lucky Dip.

What?

Who was a patient called Lucky Dip?

He was a life um life prisoner at a local prison and whenever he fancied like a couple of days in a nice hospital bed yeah he would just grab anything he could and stick it up his hat

then someone would come into the staff room really really bored and go ah Christ Lucky Dip's in

who's gonna handle him this week and they'd go and there'd be like a really big office staper up his butts

Where'd Stone?

But it's the fact they were so bored.

Oh, God.

What's Lucky Dip rammed up there this week?

And obviously, Lucky Dip was not a nickname he had before this.

The staff called him Lucky Dip.

He wasn't going in calling himself Lucky Dip.

No, no.

No, I think it was as a result of his actions.

Yeah, the prisoners weren't calling him Lucky Dip.

There was no one else referring to him as Lucky Dip apart from

the staff at this hospital.

So

vitamins.

Effervescent tablets up the ass, that's where we work.

And vitamins will get blocked if you have bubbly water.

It's what you're doing.

Allegedly, yeah, but it doesn't stop me because I love a lovely old burp, don't you?

Yeah, but it really sharpens the appetite up, I think.

Yeah, you enjoy the burp.

Yeah.

Get rid of the air so we can...

If you're in a restaurant, do you let Rip put the burp?

Oh, I'll do a stealth burp.

Uh-huh.

What's your technique?

What was that?

You blow it, you do it in your mouth and then you blow it.

You blow up it into my mouth and I blow it out.

Blow it out your nose?

Mouth.

Straight out of the mouth.

Yeah, I've got a deviated septum.

Have you?

Yep.

Oh.

Mark Andrews hit me with a stick.

Who's Mark Andrews?

He was the boy I went to school with.

What's he doing now?

He

lives in Telford?

He didn't mean to, we were conquering.

This has nothing to do with your podcast, lads.

It absolutely is.

Is it?

You were conquering?

I was conquering.

You were collecting conquers or power.

I wasn't taking over a nation.

Oh, I genuinely thought you were playing a game where you had to take over a nation.

Yeah, no.

No.

You were playing conquers, and he hit you with a stick.

Yeah, he was trying to get a conquer down from the tree because we decided that the naturally felled conquers wouldn't be as resilient as those still on the tree.

Right.

So Mark

went to throw a stick at the tree, and I was behind him, and he hit me in the nose, deviating my septum.

Is deviated septum what people in the 90s used to get from Coke?

Yeah.

I think they used to melt their septums away, didn't they?

Yeah, they used to go from East Enders who had one big hole in the mouth.

Yeah, horrible.

Horrible.

Anyone who was alive when that story was in the papers

will never forget it.

I think it's the worst thing I've ever seen.

We'll all always remember it forever.

Her sticking her tongue out at the camera.

Yeah.

And just that big hole.

One big nostril.

One big nostril.

Therefore, and being like, oh.

I don't even know her name.

I never watched you say this when she was on.

Daniella Westbrook.

Daniella Westbrook.

I can see her face clear as day right now.

Defines the 90s for you, that does it?

Yeah, it'd be one of the last things.

It'd be one of the last things things I'll see before I die

in my head.

Will be her sticking her tongue out with one big nostril.

Tragic, isn't it?

But to be resilient enough to stick her tongue out is incredible, really.

Yeah.

She's had it rebuilt now, though, hasn't she?

Yes.

I think she's had it rebuilt.

It looks really natural as well.

Good luck.

Well, can someone take a photo and put it on the front of a newspaper so we can all get rid of the...

I don't think it'll reinvent it for you.

I think that'll always be there.

I think that might remind more people.

Sure.

Anyway, wherever you are, Danielle, I hope you're all right now.

Yes.

I hope you haven't got one big hole in your nose.

So do you only have fizzy water because you drank too much still water as a swimmer and you were sick of it?

Possibly.

It's not something I've thought about.

Possibly.

Do you think it'd be harder or easier to swim in fizzy water?

Wow, I'd love to try that.

Yeah.

It would be harder, I think.

Do you think?

Because you'd be drinking it.

You'd be drinking all.

And I'd be burping for a while.

You'd be burping the other way.

Back to the shallow end.

Who do you think would win a game of one push underwater in fizzy water?

You were head?

Good question.

Me, always me.

Because you're tall.

Yeah, because I'm tall, because I've got leverage in my legs, but I would say it was power, technique, dedication,

respect.

Respect.

Does Deviated Septum help you swim?

No.

If anything,

it would function like a whale's big old mouth.

Really?

It would be useful if I was eating plankton or whatever.

Backstroke, it would be good because...

Oh.

Big breath.

Big breath in.

in what into your nose through my monostrill oh yeah which one's the the big one I haven't got one big one what you're confusing me with Dan Yellow Westbrook yeah I was I've just got a bent nose oh it's bent yeah

you can see I've got two holes oh there you are yeah yeah yeah yeah I have a little fill of your uh a little fill of your nostrils yeah uh

we pretend for the podcast that I did it They won't know it at home.

It's your podcast, mate.

There's very few people I know who would say that, and I'm like, they'll actually let me do it.

And I knew that you would just let me do it if I wanted to do it.

You saw it in my eyes.

Well, I was not,

you know, we've not met loads of times, but from the amount of times I have met you, I know that you would just let me do that.

I would let you do that.

Yeah.

And so, like.

I'll still let you do it.

Yes.

I didn't want to do it.

At any point now, for the rest of your life, you can walk straight up to Greg and Fielder's nostrils.

Yeah.

Some people, some friendships are very tactile, though, aren't they?

Yeah.

Some friends like touching.

I don't think you and I are tactile.

That's interesting, isn't it?

Is it?

I don't think we'd be.

Well, we've been in a hot tub together.

Yeah, but we don't really...

So a lot of boys hug and

when they're telling stories, I have to give it a bit of that.

A bit of a rub on the arm.

We'll have a little hug when we see each other.

We have a little hug when we see each other.

Have a little hug.

Yeah, you hugged when you came into it.

You hugged Ed, and then you shook hands with me and Benito.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's interesting.

Yeah, that was like, isn't my friend Ed?

Yeah, hopefully.

That's what I did distinguish between.

It's quite nice, I thought.

I can't speak on Benito's behalf, but...

Because I do.

I've been through a lot together, really.

We've been through a lot.

When we first met, we were both very...

Well, I was going to say we were both very different people.

Yes.

But in fact, when we first met, Ed was fat and I was fat.

Now Ed's awesome and handsome and I'm fat.

Oh, you've got a beard now?

I'm very handsome, though.

Thank you.

You've got a beard?

I've got a beard going.

You wear cool, trendy glasses.

Yeah.

Didn't used to do that.

That's true.

You're quite a sexy man now.

Thanks, man.

Right back at you.

Hey, thanks, man.

Feel his nostrils.

Just feels like the moment.

Okay.

That was all right, wasn't it?

Yeah, I touched him.

You genuinely did.

Did a little touch?

Well, I thought, if I I don't do it now, it's become a running thing.

See it in both of your eyes.

And now you think you've killed it, do you?

Yeah.

You haven't touched the other one.

I only got one of them.

Is that why you deliberately turned your face so I could only get one?

Knowing that you're saved.

You saw one nostril at it.

You'd save the other nostrils.

I'll spread that out for 45 minutes.

Oh, no.

Okay, sparkling water.

Yeah.

Pop up top bed.

Pop up to the bed, bed.

Fuck.

That's the only time we've ever had that reaction where you didn't jump at all.

You said it twice, and then you just

said it.

My instinct was to the end of it.

It was to defend myself.

Yeah.

Did feel like I was going to get punched then.

What the fuck?

What were you shouting at me?

Poppetoms or bread.

Okay.

And that is, do I prefer them?

I have heard you shout before, actually.

Do you have one of them?

Which one do you want?

And Popetoms.

Yeah!

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, you're a bread boy.

Looks like someone doesn't know his pal as well as you don't.

Oh, surprise.

I was a bread boy for a long time, but it's probably in the last couple of years I would

prefer to have poppadoms.

Does someone tell you that bread blocks calories or something?

No, it just bloats me up.

That's a good thing.

It's sort of an aging thing.

It bloats me up like a...

I'm bloated anyway, but it bloats me up like a lovely, beautiful, pregnant lady.

That sounds nice, the way you put it.

Yeah, I look nice, but it feels very uncomfortable.

Yes.

And I...

This is how I live my life.

I have something wrong with me, and I think, oh, that explains why I felt awful for years right that's great so I went to the doctors and said well I've obviously developed celiac disease yes because if I have bread I puff up like a like a lovely

so you phase it to the doctor yeah they're gonna produce pregnant label and um

and he tested me for it and this is what happens every single time yeah he tested me for anyone now you haven't got celiac disease at all so that doesn't explain why you feel awful that's a shame so you can't work out why you feel awful no but I do get all puffed up with the breasts but Popa Toms Woo-hoo!

How many do you have?

Oh, I always...

Always the person I'm with is a bit amazed that I've ordered as many as I have.

I order a lot of Popadoms.

Same.

I would have two.

If I was eating with you, I'd have two plus two plus two for the table.

Two plus two plus two for the table.

Yeah.

So you'd order two for yourself, two for me, two for the table.

But are we the only ones at the table?

We're the only ones at the table.

You haven't four you're having four yet.

Yeah, I know.

And I'd ask for extra sauces as well.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, what'd you make of this?

My local curry house, Katie Tantori, I'm a big fan of it.

Yes.

Excellent.

They have got a new policy, literally within the

last 12 months.

They'll bring you mango chutney and the green one.

Yeah, right?

And they won't bring you lime pickle unless you request it.

Ooh, wow.

I've tried to get to the bottom of it.

Is it too much?

Because they just go all quiet and shuffle away when I ask.

I bet.

I literally said last time I was there,

can I have some

lime pickle?

And he went, yes.

And he went and got me some and I went, why do I have to ask for the lime pickle there?

And his eyes went all cold and he was shuffled away.

Oh no.

Oh no.

What's happened?

I don't know, they won't tell me.

I mean, I'm assuming that not enough people

eat the lime pickle.

I'm assuming not enough people make use of it.

So we're sick of saying that.

So say that.

Yes, yeah.

Say that.

It's not a popular dip, so we bring it out when requested.

Well, maybe it's more expensive.

Maybe they don't want people waiting for free.

But I'd be fine with that.

I guess why is he not telling you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And why has his eyes gone all cold?

Because he thinks like he's lost someone.

Maybe he's lost someone.

No, he hasn't lost someone every week.

It's been going on for months.

But maybe it's a lime pickle-based accident.

It's something that had happened and he wasn't like

dishing out the lime pickle because it wasn't.

But it's a variety of staff I've asked.

So unless they've all lost someone.

Or somebody at the kitchen, right?

Unless it was a bus-related lime pickle accident.

Yeah, somebody who worked at the kitchen.

So they all knew them.

Like when we stayed at that BNB in Harrogate.

And there was a man,

the man who ran the BNB kept warning us about the ice on the step.

Winter warning.

Winter warning.

Winter warning.

Winter warning.

No,

it gets to the point where it's too blurred whether I can't work out whether it's...

what we invented or what he actually said.

We gave him a whole backstory.

We gave him a whole backstory about his wife dying on a slippery step.

And he wouldn't, the sources were all on a cabinet at the back of the room.

Yeah, and we went up to get our own sauces, and he went mad.

No, I'll get them.

In fact, I don't, I hate to correct you, but we took the sauces to our table and he took them off our table.

Yeah, yeah, and put them on and said, Ask me if you want sauces

and went to warning, man.

Yeah, and went to warning with that, but he did warn us twice about the steps.

Yeah, he warned us twice about the step.

The fact that he'd lost his wife in an awful step accident.

Oh, we invented that bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, he probably didn't tell you that.

We used to act out the conversation for hours.

And it would always end with...

I misses so much.

Which, of course, isn't funny if someone loses their wife.

Well, it's not a real wife.

Funny if you've never lost your wife, though.

That's true.

But we didn't see a wife.

And that step was slippy.

Yeah.

There was nothing proving that that didn't happen.

So laugh away.

So that could have been what happened with the line pickle anyway.

Yeah.

But poppadoms.

Poppadoms, very nice.

I love a poppadom.

They don't blow me up.

Yeah.

I'd argue I prefer them to the curry sometimes.

I have the time of my life with a pop-a-dom.

Yeah, it depends where you are.

How are you eating it?

How?

Yeah, what's the technique?

I'm

snapping a bit off and I'm scooping some.

You're snapping, you're not shattering, and then people aren't.

I don't like that.

I don't.

I'm glad you brought that up.

Yeah.

I don't like it when someone you're eating with thinks it's okay to smash up the shatter the pop-a-doms for you.

Who the fuck are you?

Yeah.

Who made you, Doctor Shatter?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Do you know know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

And you're touching my food.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Appropriate.

Oh, yeah, get it all done.

We'll get that all done.

Yeah.

It's like when you go to a restaurant and someone says, shall I order for us?

No.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Are you mixing your dips ever?

Or do you just have one per little

I'll mix mango and green?

Okay.

I won't mix lime pickle.

It's too pure.

Yeah, something.

I'll mix mango and green all right though, won't you?

You've really got to, yeah, you got to take it.

I think you've got to take the sweet edge off the mango sometimes, will you?

Sometimes, yeah.

I think so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll mix mango with pretty much any of them, but not lime pickle, because it's crazy.

But I've really got into lime pickle.

He was just saying that because I suggested it was madness to mix things with mango.

No, because I genuinely don't mix things with lime pickle, because it is a crazy flavour.

It is, it's madness.

It's already madness.

It definitely shouldn't be real.

I definitely wouldn't mix it with mango chutney.

Yeah.

Because that's too much.

I might mix lime pickle with something else to take the edge off.

It's ridiculous.

It would be like mastering a dance and then

having a big chain sort of.

I heavily resent the fact.

I haven't even resented the accusation that I would say that I don't mix anything with lime pickle just to impress you and be in with you.

Because you said it earlier.

I think it's.

So now I'm like, yeah, me neither, Greg.

Never mix anything with lime pickle.

I'm just like you.

It's interesting we've touched on that insecurity so quickly.

I just think it's a social convention to sometimes pretend.

No way.

Oh, yeah, I would not.

I'll nod along with anyone.

What?

Yeah.

I'm a notter along with you.

Are you doing that now, Ed?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just need to just say what Greg said.

It's a social convention.

I don't think it is.

Yeah, it is.

This could be a social convention that needs to do it, or it could be...

That's the great thing about being human.

You can choose what to give of yourself.

Just tap my elbow.

We come to your starter.

Please.

And why not?

You're not going to like this.

I've already thought about this.

We're not going to like it.

I don't think you're going to like it.

Neither of us are going to like it.

No, and I am firm in my decision.

Okay, this is great.

I don't think anyone's ever upset both of us at the same time.

Maybe we've had some people upset.

Maybe, yeah, but like no one going in this defiant from

the get-go, despite

this.

This might have been done before.

Okay.

Big sip.

Take a big, big swig of his drink.

Ready to drop it on us?

Yeah?

Pass.

What?

I don't agree with the starter.

Oh, man.

I absolutely love it.

I mean it is unacceptable.

Because for one, Ed is a starter boy.

He loves starters.

Why would you think it's the best bit?

This is great.

It's a bonus main.

It's on a little plate.

Trouble in paradise.

It's the equivalent to going for a haircut and saying, can I have a trim, please?

Now can I have a haircut?

It's not the equivalent of that at all.

Ed, it's totally surgery right for having other friends besides me.

It's nice to put it out there.

Whenever I go for a meal with anyone and they go, oh, I think I'll have a starter.

I genuinely resent them and it ruins the meal for me well because you don't want a starter so you're annoyed that your meal's taking longer but just have a starter I do yeah you have a starter and you enjoy it I don't enjoy it you don't enjoy it no matter what it is you don't enjoy it I order the starter that I think will take the least amount of time to prepare so that I can then get onto my meal but the meal the meal is the starter is part of I pass no you can't pass I have passed you can't you can't we'll bring

it fine then we're bringing you out an empty plate and you have to sit here for as long as it would take you to eat a starter as often I do when I'm out with rude people Rude people?

You think people order starters are rude?

It's the same as shattering pop-adons for me.

It's not.

Why?

Well, because I have to sit while you have your starter.

Do you like eating out?

You just want to get home as quick as possible?

No, I want to enjoy my main course.

And I'll luxuriate in the time I take to eat my main course.

I can't believe this.

It's funny.

We've never had a pass before.

I pass.

Right, let's ask the follow-up questions.

Is there anywhere in particular that you enjoy not having a starter?

Name some of the restaurants that you enjoy an empty plate at.

You've not even had one starter in your whole life that you would like.

That was delicious.

And that you would want as your starter.

I find it.

Let me think how to phrase it.

Unwanted, commercialized foreplay.

That sounds lovely.

I'm hard.

Let's eat.

Yeah.

Sure.

So you see the starter as sort of, yeah.

Yeah, and it messes with my taste buds as well.

I'm looking at big

mencars.

Starters or foreplay.

Starter.

Starters, get away from that.

Yeah.

Starters.

So just no.

That's just amazing.

No one's done this.

I mean, it's a baller move.

I saw your eyes light up.

Oh, because I know.

You don't seem to mind it, though.

No,

but basically, I'm a dessert boy.

Ed's a starter boy.

It's the best book.

I knew it would cut to the core of him.

Most of the time, you have people come on and try and wind me up with awful dessert choices.

But today.

I listened to one where you got really angry about that.

Someone, I think it was Daisy May Cooper, suggested that desserts don't have flavour.

Yeah, absolutely livid.

Nice to hear someone genuinely angry.

Desserts don't have flavour.

I think she even said, like, sweet stuff doesn't have flavour or something like that.

You just said the word sweet.

It doesn't have flavour.

On a car journey once, Ed and I ate

12

crispy Kremes.

We bought them on the way to the gig from Little Kiosk at W8 Smith.

Yes.

We bought a full family-sized box.

And then I think we ate three each on the way to the gig, did the gig, and our manager came back with us in the car afterwards, and he had one.

And then we ate the rest.

Yeah.

Wow.

And I, and I'm, I'm from memory, I think Ed, I felt like I was going to lose my mind.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Forever.

Yeah, that's just like, you're going to go insane.

One Krispy Kreme donut makes you feel a bit mad.

And I'm not diabetic.

Yeah.

Yeah,

yeah.

I felt like I was risking my life.

I honestly do not know how I did it.

I don't know how I did it.

Where you were giving yourself a little injection more often.

Well, yeah, I was giving myself many injections.

But still, now I wouldn't even attempt that now.

It's awful.

I had one recently and I felt like I could jump over a car.

Yeah.

No.

Right, okay, we should explain this.

I was hoping this was going to happen.

This is fucking creepy.

Greg's phone has started playing a song and the screen is blank and it does not suggest there's a call or a text coming to it.

There's still no call or text.

So you've never heard that music before?

And my phone is on silent.

Okay.

Your phone's on silent.

That is deep state stuff as well.

Your phone's on silent.

You've never heard that piece of music before ever.

Never, ever.

It's not one of the jingles that's attached to my text or my phone calls.

When you say it's deep state stuff, you think the government's playing music onto your phone?

Well, I'm not playing.

Yeah, but what could possibly be the benefit to the government to suddenly suddenly play a little jingle on your phone?

Well, let's think about it logically.

It's taken us off track of what we were talking about, which was Krispy Kreme Donuts.

Yeah.

And they don't want us to talk about that.

I don't want us to talk about Krispy Kreme Donut.

I don't know.

I've got a sugar with a Krispy Kreme donut.

So no starter.

No starter.

Oh.

We should.

Oh,

pass.

But.

But it's like the main bit.

Maybe you'll remember this next time

you and I are eating together.

Not the main bit.

The main bit would be the main course ed.

It's got the word main in it.

Yeah, but for me, it's the main bit, but it's the exciting little bonus.

It's an exciting bonus.

I went out with my family this weekend for a meal, and we had to all have a starter because my nine-year-old niece wanted a starter.

She sounds great.

It's insane.

It's insane that a table full of adults went, well, if she wants a starter, we should all have a starter.

What the fuck?

What did she have?

She wouldn't be in the room if it was up to me.

I love her, but she'd be in a separate room.

Sure.

Just with a big bowl of sugar or whatever.

What did she have to start?

I don't know.

I was too angry.

I was

white-hot anger.

But you had to start it, did you?

She respects the meal, the format.

I'm trying to think whether I did.

I think I did, just despite myself, because I was so angry that I knew it was going to take ages.

And then they all left their meals.

That's what winds me up.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that there was eight of us around the table and six people didn't get close to finishing their main course.

Because they'd all had a sales.

Yeah, of course.

They'd had a deep-fried prawn that was average.

Peer pressured into it by a nine-year-old.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, what'd you make of this?

Yep.

We went for our meal, which we booked weeks in advance.

And we got there at

6.40.

Yeah.

There were old people there, so my mum was there, so we had to go early.

And we sat down to eat.

The waitress came over and went, welcome.

You'll need to be away from this table by 8.

We booked it weeks ago.

That's not good.

Well, luckily.

Well, if you'd had your way, you would have been away by 7.15.

No, I wouldn't.

Yeah, you wouldn't.

You're only having two-thirds of a meal.

Pass.

I think two hours is acceptable when you book a table and they say at the time of booking, you have two hours.

They've got to test it.

They didn't say it.

And certainly not an hour, 20 hours.

Oh, hold on a second.

Your mum booked it.

Yeah.

Oh, they definitely said.

They said it.

My mum is not going to enjoy you judging them from a distance.

But I check your point.

Raise your hand if you want your nails to look perfect all the time.

Me too.

I'm Sarah Gibson-Tuttle from Olive and June, and this is exactly why we created the Manny system.

We wanted to make it possible for everyone everywhere to give themselves a beautiful manicure at home.

With our tools and our long-lasting polish, each manicure with our Manny system comes out to just $2.

That's right.

$2.

No more $30, $40, $50 Mannys that you get at a salon and they take hours.

Now you can paint your nails on your time and love them more than ever.

And by the way, when people ask, who did your nails, where did you get them done?

you're going to proudly say i did them myself get 20 off your first manny system with code perfect manny20 at olivinjune.com slash perfect manni 20.

that's code perfect manni 20 for 20 off at olive and june.com slash perfect perfectmanny20.

Your main course, Hungry Boy.

Yeah.

Well, it's not very controversial, to be honest.

I don't know how we're going to get banter out of it, but I've just sort of tell you the truth.

I'll tell you what.

If you have a starter as your main, I'll love it.

If you go,

like a prawn cartel, it's five long, thin, crispy prawns.

Let me see what I wrote.

I wrote it down, lads.

Oh, you wrote it down?

Yeah.

It's an actual bit of paper as well.

Wow.

Big bit of paper there.

Wow.

Not even in your phone.

Did you write pass down?

Did you take the time to write pass?

Yep.

I wrote pass.

This is a proper bit of paper.

Yeah, I did a bit of prep.

I wrote, I don't like a starter.

It's an expensive mini meal.

That's what I wrote.

Yeah.

It's difficult, isn't it?

Can I have whatever I want for my main course it's a dream restaurant you pick whatever you want right this is what I'd like I'd like a fillet steak cooked medium oh my god uh oh okay

and get this if this is the dream restaurant yeah I'll say a fillet steak cooked medium with some peppercorn sauce

and when the when the waiter or waitress looks at me

if I see

one hint, even a flicker of her eyebrow that suggests that she or the chef will disapprove of me having my Phillip steak cooked medium.

I will stand up and walk out of the dream restaurant and go to another one.

Okay.

Well, don't look at Ed now then.

I'm not the waiter, though.

No,

I'm the manager and I'm in the office.

I love his media.

He's the matrix.

I love it medium.

I mean,

I'm sure we've had this argument before.

I'm sure we have.

But you've had the

worst.

You've picked the worst cut of steak.

Not for me.

It's my favourite cut of steak.

No, there's no flavour.

There is.

And what little flavour there was,

you have just fried out of it.

The texture is sensational.

Still got a bit of pink, medium.

The texture is not sensational.

It is for me.

The texture of a fillet steak cooked medium is like the sole of a Clark's school shoe.

Maybe from your oversensitive mouth.

Maybe you've got the mouth of an octopus or something.

I can't believe you've not had a starter to save yourself for this piece of old leather.

You've got to sit on a yum steak in the places I've eaten it.

That's what I'm having.

I'm having a medium steak.

Medium steak.

I'm having a medium steak.

He's holding this piece of paper like it's an actual menu, no?

It's a whatever it is.

What's that?

A3?

A3 bit of paper.

And you're holding it like it's a menu and looking at it properly and saying, like, I like that.

Do you know what else I'm going to have?

Well, hang on.

We've got a side dish choice coming up, but are you...

Oh, have I?

Okay.

Or are you incorporating this as the whole meal in the middle of the middle?

If you want to say them both now, you can.

I want to tell you what I want on the table in front of me.

for the main tea.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right.

I want a fillet steak.

Yeah.

I want it cooked medium.

And I'd like some peppercorn sauce on the side.

I would then like, and I'm not saying this to be funny, this is what I would like.

Yeah.

I would like a jar of pesto with a spoon in it.

What?

What are you talking about?

This is my dream meal, right?

Yeah, it is.

For sure.

It's your dream meal.

But why is that part of the meal?

Palate cleanser.

Palate cleanser.

I think pesto is the opposite of a palate cleanser.

Palate cleanser.

I think that pesto would basically coat the palate.

Yes, pesto just.

You could be tasting that for hours.

Yeah, pesto is something that repeats.

I've got to tell you, I toyed with having a jar of pesto with a spoon in it as my main course.

What?

I did.

Because Roshine Connerty and I sat over a jar of pesto.

Yeah.

Like two

mythical creatures with two spoons and we just ate it once and that was our whole meal.

You were in Roshine, yeah, right.

We're getting roshine on the podcast.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, so

is this the side dish, or does this come as part of the meal?

How did you eat a jama pesto between your raw?

You've had it raw, right?

Sometimes pesto on things, I don't eat it, and it's tasty.

I must say, I've had some times where I've stood at the fridge and eaten pesto like a yogurt.

Oh my god,

here we go.

Amazing.

And to be able to have a lovely bite of steak.

You've never done that.

I have, mate.

Yeah, I've never.

I do believe that you have.

It's It's delicious.

What?

Eat peanut butter with a spoon as well.

Oh, yeah, that's normal.

Ironically, that was the night that...

Let me give away Greg's pudding.

Rosheen and I.

Roshine and I ate the jar of pesto.

It was a night where she was really drunk and she was threatening to make her her favourite pasta dish.

Right.

And for the entire evening, she'd listed the ingredients that would go into the pasta.

And then we ended up just eating the jar of pesto with a spoon.

But she just kept going, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's gonna have sausage,

bacon,

carrots.

So you've got the fillet steak cooked medium, the peppercorn sauce to moisten up that piece of paper, correct,

and then a jar of pasteau with a spoon.

That's this is all part of the main meal, not a side dish.

It's all on the table in front of me.

Obviously, the star of attraction is the medium-cooked fillet steak.

That's a star attraction, isn't it?

Yep.

The medium-cooked fillet steak.

Have you ever tried

steak?

Yeah, sorry, I don't sound too...

It's about texture for me.

Have you ever tried a steak cooked another way?

Yes, I've had a rare steak.

What was that like for me?

I don't like the slimy texture.

I'm not a cat.

I'm not a wild cat.

No one was accusing you of being a cat.

No, well, there was a gap there.

Do you think someone accused you of being a wild cat?

Did you hear in your head I say, well, you're you're fucking cat?

Well, that's the suggestion, isn't it?

If you're prepared to eat meat that raw, you may as well eat it from the vine, so to speak.

Yeah.

Jump on a deer and have a bite of it

i don't think that's true at all that's not true at all great or a cow

so people who eat steak tartare they should be driven love

driven from driven from the country i really think that i love clear an island clear the isle of wight whatever and put them all on that i mean let them let them let them literally bite raw cows where

are you putting raw cows where are you putting people who live on the isle of wight i've not thought it through

also i think all the people who have a rare steak as they get

pushed off on this boat will feel a bit

rich when the person pushing them off is eating a jar of pesto, just waving them off on spooning pesto himself.

Isn't it

waving them off on the beach?

It's a little bit human life from that jar of pesto.

It's been treated and prepared.

Right.

I honestly think a rare steak is akin to biting a cow.

Well, you're wrong.

There you go.

I don't like the slimy steak.

But you haven't had medium rare.

Medium rare?

Yeah, I've had medium rare.

Okay.

Too slimy for me.

What?

It's not slimy.

It's not slimy.

No,

I got to the acceptable point of non-sliminess at medium.

And I'm happy with my choice.

And I'll continue to order medium steaks.

And I will walk out of restaurants if they suggest that I...

How many times have you walked out of restaurants because they've walked to you, Judgy?

Because it's always been imperceptible, just a raise of an eyebrow.

But you'll be able to...

You know it's happening.

Will you say it to other people?

When they leave, will you say to the people you're dining with?

I went to a restaurant once and they refused to give me

The waitress said, chef won't do that.

So I didn't eat her.

You just went home.

No, I had a drink.

Okay, I won't eat.

And she went, okay.

Great.

I mean, I'm on your side there.

Yeah, I think that's fair enough.

You're on

your side.

Are you?

I'm on your side as well.

Absolutely.

I think you should be able to get what you want.

Especially if it's a steak and

medium, whatever.

He won't do that.

Oh, well, I'm not.

I'm not eating.

I think it's a perfectly fine response.

But I think you should have taken a lesson from that.

And the lesson is...

Don't eat medium steak.

But the chef's a professional, he knows what he's doing.

Have you ever had a medium fillet steak?

Yes.

Lovely, right?

I thought it was, and then I started having medium rare and was like, oh, I've been an idiot my whole life.

Oh, yes.

So I really.

Feels like you're.

I really felt.

Feels like you might be insulting me there, Jim.

I really felt like, oh, I've been a stupid idiot forever.

Stupid, big old,

big old fat-bellied idiot.

Well, I didn't call myself that.

Well, look, look, and it's your dream meal.

So, you've got the medium fillet steak.

You've got peppercorn sauce.

You've got a jar of pesto with a spoon.

Is there anything else coming as part of the main meal before we move on to the official side meal?

Yes, a bowl of macaroni cheese, some cream spinach, some onion rings.

These are all side dishes.

These are all side dishes.

And a red Thai curry.

And that is honestly my dream main dish.

Now, Greg, this is what happens if you don't have a starter.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that is mad that you've had no starter and you've had so many dishes.

No, no, no, that's not enough.

You could have had macaroni cheese,

macaroni cheese as the starter and just saved it until we bring the main.

But I'm only dipping in and out of the macaroni cheese.

I don't want to consume the macaroni cheese.

Well, you are.

No, so hang on.

What do you mean, bin bin?

What do you mean you're dipping in and out of it?

You're eating it.

That's consuming it.

You're not dipping your finger in and out of it.

The star of attraction is the steak.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

So I'm going to have a mouthful of steak.

Oh, that's lovely.

I love that texture.

Just slimy enough.

And then I'm going to go, hmm, maybe I'll have a

little bit full of pesto.

And I'll have a little pesto after that.

I'll have a little pesto after that, yeah.

And then I'll go back to the steak,

and then I think, ooh, maybe something from the Orient.

And I'll have a nice bit of Thai chicken.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have a drink.

But then I'm back to the steak.

I'm always back to the steak.

It's the fulcrum of the meal.

So the steak sits in the middle and everything else sits around it like a clock, right?

Like a clock, yeah.

Yeah, correct.

And you work your way around.

A half clock.

Like a half clock.

A demi clock.

I don't want to be reaching into the middle of a circle to eat my steak.

No, yeah, a demi clock.

A demi clock.

Well, I think since you've passed on your starter,

then we can let you have this many things in your main.

I am going to have a well, but what about when it side dish is the next question?

Do you have something else for that, or is that?

I didn't know that was a thing, a side dish.

So there we go.

Side dish is like mac and cheese.

So you're having all that fuel.

You're passing on starter and you're passing on side dish.

But a side dish should come with the steak, right?

Yeah.

Right.

But you've got a lot of.

Is that something you've got?

I've sort of covered it, haven't I?

Mac and cheese you just covered it.

Yeah.

Red Thai curry is pretty much a starter.

But I think I'd refuse to call it a side, these things a side dish, because

they're very much the numbers on the clock of my meal.

So I was just thinking we could put you in the middle of a sort of circular table

and have the steak in front of you on a little table and then everything else is on a rotating thing so you can like click it in front of you.

Yeah.

But I mean, I don't know that I need that much help.

I think I can just reach over probably.

Yeah.

To save you creating a mechanical table.

Right, so no starter.

Your main is medium fillet steak with peppercorn sauce, a jar of pesto with a spoon, onion rings,

mac and cheese,

and a Thai red curry.

And they are arranged in a demi-clock.

In a demi-clock.

Around the steak.

Thank you.

Okay.

It's easy to be a

Who here loves when their nails are perfectly done?

Me?

I'm Sarah Gibson Tuttle, and I started Olive in June because, let's be real, we all deserve to have gorgeous nails, but who wants to spend a fortune or half their day at the salon?

And that's why I created the Manny system.

So you can have that salon perfect manicure right at home.

And guess what?

The best part?

Each Mani only costs $2.

Yup, you heard me, $2.

No more $30, $40, $50 salon trips that eat up your day.

Now you can paint your nails whenever you want, wherever you want.

And trust me, you're going to be obsessed with your nails and everyone is going to ask you, where did you get your nails done?

And here's a little something extra.

Head over to olivendjune.com and get 20% off your first Manny system with code perfectmanni20 at olivinjune.com slash perfectmanni20.

That's code perfectmanni20 for 20% off at olivinjune.com slash perfectmanni20.

You're all set for a nail glow-up.

Let's get those nails looking fabulous, shall we?

It's a special episode.

It's a Christmas episode.

We're going to ask you what your dream Christmas dinner is.

I mean, I can only...

It's going to be fairly pedestrian, isn't it?

It's going to be bread sauce with a spoon in it.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean,

just cranberry sauce on a drip.

What are you having?

I mean, it's bog standard, isn't it?

Straight up bog standard.

Yeah.

As I would say, since I left home, I have discovered that turkey is not necessarily the driest of all meats.

No, you're medium philosophy.

I'm afraid it would just be fairly traditional.

Yeah.

Do you always go to your mum's for Christmas?

i i i'm i always spend i have have always spent christmas with my mum so either at my sister's or or at my mum's house yeah and who so does your mum cook christmas dinner if you're at your mum's yeah still and how's that is that something you live for

so is that not necessarily a christmas dinner though i always wonder why she's bought such a big turkey she lives in the farming community and she comes in and it looks like some feat of strength for her to bring this outsized drugged bird in you know they must have like treated it with chemicals for it to be that big and then i find out why it's because she cooked it for 48 hours

so it reduces by in size to the size of a normal turkey yeah yeah so you're having a lovely old dry turkey i'm a lovely dry turkey what i have to i'm gonna be careful about slagging my mum's cooking off because i think she's uh she's

She's an alright cook.

And it takes a lot of effort, of course, on Christmas Day.

And it's a big thing.

She's knocking on but she's she does a lovely roast i think yes

i would say this yes i would say that that she's progressed in recent years she's come to the conclusion only in recent years that vegetables don't need to be cooked to the point that they're about to lose their solidity

yeah so in recent years yeah uh the roasts have become more flavorsome now um in terms of the veg and the side dishes for the christmas dinner what needs to be on there for you?

Well, all I'm interested in is the sausages.

Of course.

The pigs in blankets.

The pigs in blankets.

Yeah, they're not pigs in blankets.

We don't have pigs in blankets.

We have full sausages.

We just have no

thin sausages.

Yeah.

They're thin sausages.

Right.

Just tossed around the turkey.

But they're not literally.

I couldn't tell you why we've never done that.

No.

No.

I went to ping pong the other day, the chain dim sum place.

Yes.

And they're doing their...

Pigs in blankets?

Yeah, well,

they're doing their own

version of pigs in blankets where they're in like a crispy kind of

like a pigs in blanket wonton.

Yes.

Exactly.

Like a pigs in blanket wonton.

They were very nice.

It's on that special limited Christmas menu.

They do sound good.

They do sound lovely.

They've been bacon.

It's Christmas.

Yeah.

I've been enjoying a few Christmas items on different menus.

I was in Mildred's the other day, the vegetarian place, and I got a.

Oh, it's a snowball.

So it's got like, you know, a bit of booze in it and stuff.

It's a drink, right?

Yeah, it's a drink, yeah.

And there's like it's there's maker's mark in there, and amaretto, and uh, there's some gingerbread stuff in there, but I had it hot, a hot snowball, but

it sounds like mattress.

It's quite milky, yeah.

That's very you, that, though.

You could do that, you could have about four of them, couldn't you?

Yeah, I could.

Quite happily, I'd have a vat of that, it was delicious.

Mainly, Christmas drinks are someone lazily tossing some cinnamon into a deck,

cinnamon, but I think that's a rubber thing though,

repugnant addition to any dish.

I hate cinnamon.

I like cinnamon.

Do you?

Yeah.

I can't believe you two don't like it.

I don't like it.

No, I don't like it.

I don't think it adds anything.

Great, especially at Christmas time.

I think cinnamon's an arsehole, James.

It comes in and it ruins everything.

It's lovely.

Especially at Christmas.

You have a little snip of it.

Oh.

It ruins it.

It's

a drunk person at a Christmas party.

It is.

Just comes out.

Anti-folly.

Anti-foxy.

Anti-fucking.

No, you're not funny.

You're drunk.

Go ahead.

Yeah, you've really ruined the flavour of this party.

Cinnamon thinks it's funny.

He doesn't think it's funny.

It does.

He thinks it's hilarious.

The cinnamon's a real look at me.

Yeah.

Herb?

It's not a herb.

Spice.

Spice.

That's a herb.

Have you seen the cinnamon challenge?

It thinks it's hilarious.

Yeah, I have seen the cinnamon challenge.

Coming out of that guy's an awesome.

I saw Lou Sanders do it live on stage.

What is the cinnamon challenge?

Where you've got to have a teaspoon full of cinnamon and keep it in your mouth without having any water.

What happens?

You can't do it.

Why?

Because it's just too dry and spicy and it all comes out your nostrils.

There's a very funny video of a man who's a radio DJ, but he's like one of these radio DJs, you know?

Yeah.

One of those guys.

And he's like, these absolute rubbish these kids are doing, saying you can't keep cinnamon in your mouth.

Absolute nonsense.

Well, I'm going to do it right now.

And he does it and he's about to die.

Yeah.

He goes red immediately.

It's a bad time.

It all comes out his nose.

Oh, he's going to have a worse time.

Yeah, we'll watch that off.

I wish I'd known it when I was a kid, actually, because we had a game when I, me and my sister had a game called

the Blindfolded Taste Test.

How many games do you, you, sister?

We grew up in a rural area.

We would sit cross-legged on the floor.

My mum's food cupboard was at floor level, like all food cupboards should be.

And we would sit cross-legged, open the thing,

the cupboard.

I would blindfold my sister.

And this is what happened every time.

And we played this game 10 times at least.

I would blindfold my sister and then I would get a dessert spoon and fill it full of instant coffee.

And then I would go, ready?

Put it in her mouth.

And she would go, oh, Jesus Christ, it's coffee.

It's coffee.

And it was always coffee.

It's coffee again.

And then once she'd recovered, she'd say, my turn.

I'd say, I don't want to play anymore.

Every time.

Great.

And it never changed.

It was always coffee.

She'd always do it.

And she would even say,

don't put coffee in this time.

I'm not going to put coffee in again, am I?

And then I always put coffee in.

So Bogstander Christmas dinner.

Yeah.

Parsnips?

Yes, parsnips.

Carrots.

Oh, my God.

This isn't another lucky dip story, is it?

My mate went out, I won't name him.

My mate went out with his sister and her new boyfriend recently.

And he said he wasn't sure about the guy.

He seemed quite monosyllabic and he couldn't get much out of him.

And they had a roast.

And all of a sudden,

the roast got put down in front of the new boyfriend.

And the new boyfriend went, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

what the fuck is that?

And my friend went, That?

That is a pastnip.

That's got to be a deal breaker, hasn't it, for a new boyfriend if he doesn't know what a parsnip is?

He didn't know.

And even when my mate told him,

he went, well, I've never seen one of them before.

Fucking pastnip?

Sort of like a jackfruit.

So pretty box standard Christmas dinner, Christmas pudding after.

Yes, ah, now, here's where I can go off piste a little bit, because one of the best things my mum's mum's ever introduced to the world is butter-fried Christmas pudding on Boxing Play.

Oh, I do that too.

I get it.

My dad does it.

I have once, and it was delicious.

Absolutely.

Oh, my God.

My dad does it because I think he's on a mission to have a heart attack.

Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, just butter in the pan, Christmas pudding.

I now do that.

It is absolutely delicious.

Stick it in a bowl, put brandy butter on top of it, and then, oh no, put fresh cream on top of that.

Yes.

And put custard on top of that.

I mean,

why not?

I'd certainly include it on the dessert demi-clock.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

It's got to be in there.

Oh, God.

I hope we have a demi-clock for dessert as well.

I love Christmas pudding.

It is good.

And it's one of those things that I'm so glad I didn't like it as a kid because it's so nice to discover a new thing that you like as an adult.

I love a Christmas pudding so much.

That's just reminded me.

Do you think they'll have the Christmas pudding gelato at Jalupo now?

Oh, man.

I hope so.

And also, I hope that uh naked had done their christmas pudding uh uh naked but i love that yeah i love that as well um jalupo hello best ice cream shop in jalupo jaluppo jalupo jalupo jalupo jalupo did you say jalupo at no just jalupo

it's called jalupo but i'm sure you said jalupo at jaluppo or something like that no i think you said that okay just jalupo okay best ice cream shop yep they do every year they do a christmas pudding gelato and that is phenomenal and an eggnog one and an eggnog eggnog

yeah I don't I don't know what eggnog is I'm not fully I don't know what it is either

I like it

you've put one in your mouth but you didn't know what it was yeah well I thought it was a drink I put yeah it's a drink

quite a milky thick drink um I guess eggy milky drink which sounds disgusting like an egg like an eggy custard doesn't it yeah like an egg custard okay but before it's set yes

do you like egg custard yeah I don't mind it you might like an eggnone it was very much my dad's favourite, the egg custard.

Watching him consume an egg custard was,

God rest his soul, repulsive.

We're moving back to your regular meal.

When I say regular meal, it's the weirdest thing we've ever had.

Yeah.

Is it?

There's been a few weird ones.

But I'll tell you what.

Oh, yeah, well that's good.

If someone had told me before this that your meal would be like

very similar to Lou Sanders' meal.

I would not have believed them.

But the fact that you and Lou are more similar than I am, I thought, yeah, just absolutely mad.

Her main course was what she referred to as a global tapas.

Yeah.

Right, yeah.

Oh, maybe I should go for a lovely meal with Lou Sanders.

Yeah, you absolutely should.

Beware, if she goes to a restaurant, she makes them change every single thing on the menu before they bring it to her.

Yes.

Her spiritual advisor tells them to do that.

Yeah, yeah, she pops a chill in the Pyrenees.

Okay, so you've got your drink order now.

We need to hear what your drink is, please.

You won't like this as well because it sounds like a bit of Luce Anders madness.

But it's the dream restaurant so I can choose what I want.

And I am going through a heavy strawberry milkshake phase.

What?

What?

So that's what I would have.

Right, but

we have lovely booze drinks together.

We love to hang out and have a drink.

I can add a separate booze.

No, no, no, no, no.

You get one choice.

Oh, of our stop.

Watching the fedship fall apart.

With every single course.

You make a lovely margarita.

Yeah.

We enjoy a rose together.

I didn't.

I thought we were just talking about our.

Yeah, drink.

Yeah, this is it.

This is a drink with your meal.

Yeah.

I'm a very fatty individual, Ed.

You know that.

I know.

We've not even talked about the powder that you used to put on your food.

Yeah.

What?

I don't know.

Special powder on it.

Greg came to me one day.

He went, Do you want any of this powder on your food?

I went, what?

He went, I bought this magic powder.

It really sorts your insides out.

Yeah.

Yeah, so for a while he bought this powder powder from holland and barrett and started sprinkling it over all of his food to make sure he had like regular shit oh no you're mixing it up with um with uh healthy bacteria stuff that i sprinkled on my food well you were sprinkling a lot of stuff on your food the stuff for healthy bowel movements has to be consumed as a gelatinous drink right

but what you at one point then you were taking powder and sprinkling it on your meals it this is this is how i um live my health life any person comes up to me and says you should consume this supplement yes and it'll make your life better and I go okay I don't need to know your qualifications

and I was told to take this bacteria

powder that you sprinkle on your food by a man I employed to drive a van

and it and I saw him doing it and I went Mark what's that he goes oh it's this special stuff that makes you makes everything better so I went

and that's he said it's a special powder it makes everything better

That's what you heard.

I'll do it.

I'm surprised you don't have it for three months before I accept it.

It's not making me better.

You know, it was that sort of advice that led Daniella Westbrook to have a melted septum.

Yeah.

So, oh, did it taste of anything, this powder?

No.

And it made no difference to my life whatsoever, but it cost me, you know, 60, 70 pounds over the course of three months.

But what I find amazing is, I mean, his only qualification is a driver's license.

Yeah, as far as I can work out.

But you just took it as gospel?

Just took it.

So you're a fan.

He's not even fit himself.

Just like awful.

Fat, tired, middle-aged man.

So it's like, I'm good.

I'll take that then.

So I can look how I already look for £70.

So you're going through a phase at the moment of strawberry milkshakes.

Honestly, I'm drinking so much of it.

I've actually been to the doctor and I'm not joking.

You've been to the doctor because you're worried about your strawberry milkshake.

Because I know how much milk I'm consuming.

Because I think there might be something wrong.

I'd imagine the doctor

stopped drinking strawberry milkshakes.

But he did a blood test and he said that your phosphate levels are really down.

And that is looking at phosphates from milk.

Oh, his food.

So I'm crave I'm craving milk.

Oh, I mean you you're insane.

I'm not insane.

The doctor said, so you're craving milk.

I said that's why I've come to you.

Yeah.

I'm drinking hundreds of strawberry milkshakes.

Y'all phosphate levels are down so that's why you're drinking strawberry milkshakes all the time.

Yeah.

That makes sense, then.

What what's the problem with that?

But you're craving milk.

Yeah.

At what point does the strawberry and the ice cream come into?

I don't put ice cream in it.

You don't put ice cream in it?

No, I don't.

Where are you getting these strawberry milkshakes from?

I've ordered two large bottles of syrup.

One strawberry, one raspberry.

You're making them up?

I'm keeping them in my fridge.

Oh, so it's not fresh.

It's not fresh stuff.

Making them up.

No, syrup.

Oh, yeah, no, syrup.

Fresh strawberries.

I'm making them up.

I'm making strawberry milkshake.

I'm making them in a cocktail shaker.

So you're in a big strawberry milkshake phase because your phosphates are down.

I'm really going through it.

It all links to childhood, doesn't it?

I've sort of worked it out that everything links to some childhood trauma.

And my mum wouldn't let us slurp the last bit of a strawberry milkshake.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because apparently it's the rudest thing on earth to do.

Noisy.

So I really go to town.

So do you think as an adult?

You've got the last molecule up.

What you're trying to do is you've added up all of the last bits of the sorry milkshakes that you haven't been able to slurp and you're trying to drink and drink them.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

because this is like someone else who has you know childhood trauma milkshake milkshake related childhood trauma.

Do you have milkshake related yeah I've spoke about it on the podcast well that there was an episode where I spoke about how I love to dip fries in milkshakes

and then and that you know

giving give him grief for it being disgusting.

And then my mum also there was another episode where we talked about McDonald's and how I never went to McDonald's because my parents were like, McDonald's is awful.

Mine too.

Yes.

And yet my mum was happy for me to eat loose mince beef.

It was only apparently when it was shaped and some level of flavour was added to it that it was bad.

Yeah, that's what it's bad.

Platefuls of loose mince beef with water.

Water and minced beef.

Sorry, James.

No, absolutely fine.

But yeah, my mum basically heard the podcast episode where I talked about dipping the fries and the the milkshake.

And she said, That's why we stopped going to McDonald's was because you and your sister did that.

It was disgusting.

And I told you, I was like, oh, that's why, like, my whole life I haven't dipped the fries in the milkshake.

And then I started doing it again as an adult.

I was like, why have I not done this before?

And you feel like I was like, I was ashamed into never doing it.

Right.

So me and you are both doing things as adults with milkshakes that we didn't get to do as kids.

I think we're always doing tiny rebellions throughout our whole lives.

And I genuinely drink it with a straw at home and go

internally going, yeah, do you like that old time?

I do love my mum, by the way.

Yes, so

I also love my mum.

Yes, I love my mum as well.

We move on.

No food-based trauma.

If anything, I should have been stopped more.

So, strawberry milkshake.

Yes.

Do you want the one you've made at home?

I would have chosen, if I thought it had to be booze, I would have chosen.

No, it doesn't have to be booze.

I'm just surprised that you went for a strawberry milkshake.

Ed was just had his heart broken because he thought we're going to hear about some great booze that me and Craig love drinking together.

And then you'll like strawberry milkshake.

I love making a lovely margarita.

He makes it in a big purple with a little tap on the board.

I've heard about this.

I've heard about your margarita from Medicaz that's how famous they are.

Really, really great.

It ruins people though.

Oh, absolutely rocket lives.

Parties I've had are like the last days of Roman in 10 minutes.

It's awful.

Tables have been smashed.

Not in a good way, not in a like, oh, sexy, we're all having a good time with it.

Oh, yeah, no.

Just everyone's ill.

I'd have the same effect if I got a hose from my car exhaust.

Good day.

So, strawberry milkshake, one that you've made at home, or do you want someone else to make it?

Well, I'll make it.

You'll make it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, cocktail shake it.

Stick it in a thermos.

Okay.

Fair enough.

Pour it out.

So that teacher.

You're going for a big whiskey phase at the moment.

We'll have to talk about that.

All right, yeah.

Very good.

Drops of whiskey in your milkshake?

Boot shake?

Why don't I pop a little bit in the middle?

Pop a whiskey in the strawberry milkshake.

It's great, innit?

I don't know.

Oh, whiskey in a milkshake is brilliant.

That is good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't necessarily say whiskey in a strawberry milkshake is good.

Yeah, maybe a vanilla.

Let's find out.

Yeah.

Popping a bit of

bourbon.

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

Before we go to the dessert,

there's a food-related story I'd like to get in just to get it on record, if that's all right.

I'm not sure I've told you about it.

Have I told you about my fairly recent paella pan incident?

No.

No.

No, no.

Right.

I go to Spain quite a lot.

I know this, yes.

I've got a small house out there.

Oh, that's nice.

You must come.

Oh, thank you.

He loves inviting people to his house.

No one ever comes.

I'm always there alone.

Yeah.

Because I'm so fatty, I decided all I ate now was Spanish food because that's all there is there.

And I bought a paella pan, which was very hard to get back.

It was this big.

I don't know what...

listeners, it's three foot.

I bet Lucky Dick would know how to get it back.

It was huge and very difficult to get back.

And then I put it in my big bottom drawer and then I forgot about it for a few weeks.

And then I was having some people around and I thought, I'm going to make a paella in my lovely big pan.

Now, I've got a cleaner who I adore.

A cleaning lady who comes in once a week.

She's Romanian and she barely speaks a word of English.

But we have a symbiotic, very...

There's a really great relationship there that doesn't use language.

I really, really like her.

Yes.

She keeps moving moving your stuff though, she doesn't like it in nuts.

She decides, and this relates to this story.

She decides where things go.

So,

I used to have a goldfish bowl and a cuckoo clock in my flat.

Yeah.

And every week she would put the cuckoo clock inside the goldfish bowl.

To the extent, in the end, I had to destroy the goldfish bowl.

Oh, no.

Because I kept moving it out.

Yeah.

It doesn't belong in there.

Then I had to destroy it.

Well, I did.

I've destroyed it.

Smashed the top bowl.

I smashed the goldfish ball.

To stop it.

That's over the top response, isn't it?

I did it.

Smashed it.

That's the fact.

But this,

and I had a big, I'm going to use it in a stand-up show probably, but I had a big incident with her about a quilt cover.

But that'll take me too long to tell you.

Okay.

But this sums it up nicely.

I thought, I'm going to make this lovely big paella.

And I went into my bottom drawer.

Yeah.

It had gone.

It's huge.

It wouldn't go anywhere else.

It would only fit in that part.

I had to move things out of the bottom drawer to get it in.

And I went, strange.

And she was in.

And I went in and I went, um, I won't name her.

Yeah.

I went, um, X.

Yeah, she won't.

And she went, yeah.

I went, have you seen my paella pan?

And she went, ew.

And I led her into the kitchen and I opened the bottom drawer and I mined a paella pan.

Yeah.

And she went, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then she pointed at the bin

and she went, rubbish.

I mean, what said?

Just threw it away.

Do you feel it?

And I said,

you threw it away.

You threw it in the bin.

And she went, yeah.

And then she looked at me as if to say, can I get on with my cleaning now?

And I went, okay.

What can you do?

And that's a good thing.

But she's so lovely and so great.

She sounds lovely.

I don't begrudge her it.

Yeah.

In many ways,

it's the ultimate cleaning, isn't it?

Just get rid of everything, just throw things up, get all the way,

love it.

So,

dessert time.

Well, well, it's a dessert I just rediscovered this very weekend, yeah, and I'd forgotten it is absolutely incredible.

And it is because I went to my mother's this weekend, yeah, and it is my mother's um lemon suet pudding.

Wow, now it

is

madness,

it is a suicide attempt

in a bowl.

Take us through it.

Yeah, because I can't even imagine what this is really.

I don't really know how it works, but I asked her to

loosely explain it to me.

You get suet, which as far as I can work out, is old-school extreme fat.

Yeah,

use it for dumplings.

It's insanity.

As far as I can work out,

Mum fashions

suet-based pastry around a bowl.

Yeah.

Okay.

And then she lifts the suet-based pastry off the bowl shape carefully.

Yeah.

Then

she turns it upside down.

She puts a whole lemon in it.

Right.

Peeled.

No.

No.

Just whole.

She puts it in.

And then she fills the rest of the void, which is considerable.

I'm going to mind this now.

It's a pudding bowl.

She fills the rest of it with Demerrera sugar to the top.

Right?

And then she flips the whole...

Then she puts it back in...

No, it must be in the...

It's in the thing all the time.

She doesn't flip it out.

She just like...

It's always in the bowl.

She puts the suet stuff in the bowl.

Then she puts a lemon in.

Then she fills it up with Demerara sugar.

Then she puts muslin over the top and she uses string to tie it.

And then she puts it in a boiling pan of water for ages.

To melt like a pound of sugar or whatever.

I guess, yeah.

But it's there for ages.

And we're all left in no doubt

that what's happening on the sofa is dangerous.

It's like a bomb.

Yeah.

So when she goes to get it, she's like

really cautiously

gets it out.

And then you turn it upside down onto a plate.

Yeah.

And then she slices it.

And the lemon has exploded within the Demerrera bomb.

And

every mouthful is, I can't tell you, it's madness.

So does the sugar be 2,000 calories per slice?

Does the sugar go to like, is it like liquid in the centre?

Lemony liquid.

And a lot must soak into the suet, obviously.

It does soak into the suet.

But there must still be like straight-up sugar liquid in there as well.

Yes.

Oh, it's insane.

How lemony does it take?

Afterwards, everyone around the table, their eyes are rolling back in their head.

My nieces are genuinely like...

Yeah,

they're fully addicted to it.

It's soft sugar now.

They're fully addicted to sugar.

It's awful.

Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely awful.

I love the sound of it.

Do you have it with anything else?

Is there like cream on it or anything?

Yeah, yeah.

Like ice cream.

This time she

put budget.

It's always budget ice cream at my mum's house.

Yeah.

So horrible budget ice cream.

Like vanilla ice cream that's like completely white.

Yeah, like carte d'or or something.

Right.

Carte d'Or's all the way over can't be.

I don't think I know.

I don't know.

Carte d'Or.

That's the only instance I've ever heard of ice cream being used to take away from the sweetness of something.

Yeah, yeah.

We need to tone this down.

I mean, I don't know if it sounds nice to you.

It is.

Oh, no, it sounds good to me.

It is an assault on your senses.

It does sound nice.

My grandma makes

a bacon suet pudding.

Jesus.

There's like a giant dumpling with bacon in it.

Yes.

And does it seem dangerous when she's making it?

Yeah, I think anything that you're wrapping in muslin and putting on a boiling pan of water for ages is building up pressure for ages.

Yeah, it does.

Same with Christmas pudding, right?

It's cracked the bowl, loads.

She's lost loads of bowls to it over the years.

She has.

That's amazing.

I'm going to read your order back to you.

See how you feel about it.

Yeah.

Ed.

Strapping.

Ed might want to calm himself.

Water.

Hang on.

I'll say what I would do if I was with Greg and this is what he insisted we had.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sparkling water.

Lovely, fine.

Yeah, I'm normally a still guy, but yeah, we'll splash it out.

Poppadums.

Poppadums.

Lovely.

Poppadums.

Nice.

Yeah, yeah, nice.

I like bread, but you know, poppadums.

A nice light start.

So, oh, I hope we've got something big coming for the starter if we've only had poppadums.

Yep.

Starter, pass.

Yep, see you later.

Nice to see you, Greg.

Pass.

I'm off.

Main, well, maybe you'll be turned around by the magic.

Did you leave?

I would.

I would be really peeved.

What if you saw them preparing my demi-clock?

Well, do I get a Debi clock as well?

Yeah.

Am I sat back to back with you and I've got a Debbie Debbie clock in the other.

Yeah.

So we're forming a full clock.

But your anger suggests that if you came out to eat with me, you'd have to have the same.

I wouldn't stop you from having a starter.

I'd be annoyed.

You would.

You've already told me now that you think it's rude if someone else has a starter and you don't want a starter.

Which is why I always say, Are we having starters?

It is a bit, though.

It's a bit like, I'm a smoker.

I'm going to have a fag before we do the next thing.

It's nothing like going for a fag.

That's not a good comparison.

Is it not?

No, that's.

Here's what I normally do.

Here's what I do.

I say, are we having starters?

And then if you said, I'm not going to have a starter, I'd say, well, no, I won't have one then.

And I'd be really passive-aggressive about it.

We're like, fine, I won't have a starter.

I'm just going to say that.

Turn into your dad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've all got our systems.

Yeah.

Main course, you're like a medium-fillet steak with peppercorn sauce.

If there's any disapproval from the staff, you're going to walk out.

I'm glad that's noted.

You're like onion rings, mac and cheese, a jar of pesto with a spoon in it, and red Thai curry arranged around the steak like a demi clock.

Correct.

Your Christmas dinner was a dried turkey, sausages sprinkled around the turkey, standard veg and a butterfried Christmas pudding.

Your drink is a strawberry milkshake made at home with syrup

in a cocktail shaker with some with some bourbon in it

And

it's your mum's lemon suet pudding.

With budget ice cream on the side.

Feel good about that?

So good.

Yeah.

Even looking back on it, I feel so good.

Oh, you should.

It's an amazing meal.

We've got to stand behind it.

I do.

I stand by it absolutely.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming, Greg.

I've really enjoyed the dream restaurant, lads, more than I I ever thought I would.

Oh, good.

I'm glad to hear it.

I've enjoyed having you here, Greg, and a Merry Christmas to you.

Merry Christmas.

And it's lovely to get the table turned over so quickly.

Because you didn't have a starter, so you'll be out by eight.

Well, I've learnt from going for a meal in Shropshire, one hour 20.

Yeah.

Well, there we have it.

The quite baffling off-menu menu of Greg Davis.

Oh, good fun.

What a roller coaster ride.

A real roller coaster ride, if the roller coaster starts off with just a really flat track for a bit.

Yeah.

No starter.

I can't believe that.

Who has no starter?

I know.

Your best friend, that's who.

That's who has no starter, Red.

You're making peace with that.

Opposites attract, I guess.

Look, I mean, I like to think I controlled myself a little bit more than you do in bad pudding situations.

Yeah, you did.

To be fair to you, you know, you didn't shout and scream at him.

You didn't say fuck you, Greg.

I mean, you know, it makes me think what I must look like to other people.

Well, it's difficult to scream fuck you at the guest when it's the starter sure I think with the pudding you know they're going to be leaving soon anyway I'm allowed to cut loose yeah exactly cut loose cut loose if anything the medium fillet steak made me more angry that was bad yeah well it was a bad it was a bad menu

and you know

I don't think anyone would say otherwise what a guest what a lovely guest thank you so much and yeah do you know what to his credit didn't pick cacao nibs no I don't think he even knows what they are to be fair no I there's no way if he's still making milkshakes with syrup he knows what cacao nibs are so I think I think we're fine.

We're always in the clear there, probably.

Obviously, Greg is a brilliant comedian.

If you go on Netflix, I think you can watch Man Down, which was his Channel 4 sitcom, and also his stand-up special, You Magnificent Beast, which is also on Netflix, which is brilliant.

Which you were in the audience for?

I was in the audience for...

In fact, if you watch any stand-up special on Netflix, I was in the audience for it.

If you want to watch my stand-up special, you've got to go to Amazon Prime.

And I wasn't in the audience for that one.

No, that's the only annoying thing like Kanye, isn't it?

You can't see yourself played live.

Kanye.

That's what he said.

Is it?

He said his biggest regret was that he'll never get to see himself live.

Oh, yeah.

No, it would annoy me if I'd watched myself live.

Yeah?

Yeah, finally see what I'm doing wrong.

Do a bit of heckling.

Yeah.

You suck.

Yep, that's fair enough.

Yeah.

Also, go on UK TV playing.

You can watch all the series of Taskmaster that Greg Davis has done, including Ed's series and my series.

Series 7 for James, Series 9 for mine.

Yes.

And series 5 for Nish Kumar.

Yeah, yeah.

Throw that in.

Watch Nish's series.

Yeah, let's give it a.

Why don't we just start plugging Nish's stuff?

Yeah, Mash Report.

We should do that every time.

Post Mash Report, BBC2,

go back to Radio 4 Archives.

He's got Spotlight on there.

Sold series.

Got to say as well,

Bring Back Kumar's Cobbler.

The campaign didn't go great because that restaurant shut down.

Yeah, I mean, we pushed it so far in the opposite direction, it turned out that

you tweeted them so much, the social media manager burnt the place to the ground.

Yeah, it really went badly.

Thank you very much for listening.

I guess don't forget to subscribe.

We've stopped doing all that stuff.

We've got to push it.

You've got to subscribe, leave a lovely review, leave a lovely rating.

Just thanks for being great listeners.

What a lovely year we've had.

Yes.

And a Merry Christmas to you or whatever you celebrate.

Yes, happy holidays.

Happy holidays.

Nicer, isn't it?

And Merry Christmas.

And Merry Christmas as well.

Why not?

Whatever.

All of it.

Just have a nice time.

Be nice.

Come on.

Be nice.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.