Ep 41: Joe Lycett (Christmas Special)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

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So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

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Oh, I've just realised the podcast's still in the oven.

Oh, it's perfect.

Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast.

Oh, well done for saving the podcast there, Ed.

Phew, I thought I'd burnt it, James, but it turns out I'd done it really well again.

Ed Gamble and James Acast are here.

That's the gang.

This is the podcast where we chat to a special guest about their dream meal, which features James.

Their favourite ever.

Starter, main course, dessert, side dish and drink.

Not in that order.

Yamma, Yamma, Yamma.

And our special guest today is the wonderful Joe Lysett.

You all know Joe Lysett from all the stuff he's done.

Wonderful comedian.

A national treasure.

A national treasure.

A fantastic broadcaster.

Just an absolute pleasure to have here.

And I'm very excited to hear his choices.

I've heard him spoil food and drink on many TV shows.

He seems to be really into it, into his top pics.

He knows his stuff.

So we are looking forward to speaking to him.

But, James,

if he says a secret ingredient that we have predetermined that we don't like, then unfortunately, we'll be asking National Treasurer Joe Lysett to leave the restaurant.

Is it a Christmasy secret ingredient, Ed?

Sort of, yes.

Because, James, this is a Christmas special.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas.

Tidings of comfort and joy.

It's nearly Christmas.

This is an extra episode.

You thought the series was over.

We said the series was over.

Well, we're chucking you a secret special Christmas episode.

Yes, because you thought the series was over, but we rose like the dead, just like Jesus did at Christmas.

Yes, happy Christmas.

Happy Jesus.

Happy Jesus.

Alive again.

Zombie Jesus.

So...

This is a Christmas episode.

The secret ingredient is

red currants.

Red currants, those little evil sour boys that appear on things raw and they shouldn't be there.

They don't add to flavour.

If anything, they strip your mouth with acid.

They might look nice in the corners of a Christmas card.

They might do, yeah.

They don't feel nice on my tongue.

You don't eat a Christmas card.

So, Merry Christmas.

Hopefully, there's no red currants.

We'll be asking Joe a specific Christmas-based question as well.

Don't you worry, it will feel very festive.

And I'm sure Benito will put some fun Christmas sound effects in this episode.

Do I hear sleigh bells?

I think that's Joe Lysett arriving on his sleigh.

Joe.

Welcome, Joe Lysett, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

There he is.

Welcome, Joe Lysett.

We've been expecting you since day one.

Were you?

From day one.

How many of these have you done there?

12 days of Christmas.

That's not an answer to that question.

That's not an answer to that question.

I'm just trying to instantly make it festive.

I believe this is episode 41.

41, this is

41.

It's a beautiful number, that.

And since day one, you've been expecting me.

Yeah.

Since day one,

I'm late.

I'm really late.

Well, no, no, no, no.

I was expecting you today.

Oh, okay.

But

I've been expecting you for that amount of time.

I was always expecting you.

But you knew you might come on this specific date.

James is a genie, so when he says day one, he means the beginning of time.

Yes.

Ah.

I mean the very very beginning of time.

If you want to ask what that was like.

Any questions about what the beginning of time was like?

Yes, what was it like?

Good question.

Yes, it was mainly very gassy.

So it wasn't.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just gas.

So no solids or liquids?

No solids or liquids.

I found those.

I invented solids and liquids.

Did people know that?

Did you?

A little bit of trivia.

Thanks for that.

They're my two favourites.

Yes, they are useful.

Here's a little bit of trivia as well.

I invented liquids by accident when I was trying to invent solids.

Oh, really?

On your way to solids.

Yeah, I couldn't get it right real hard to firm it all up.

And I was like, well, that'll be a thing as well.

I'll put that to the side and bring it in later.

Actually, it turns out liquids are everyone's favourite.

Are they?

Yeah, yeah.

People love liquids.

Well,

this is one of the new questions on the new format.

Solids or liquids?

What's your favourite?

Probably liquids.

I think I'm more of a solids guy.

Name one solid, and I'll tell you a liquid that's better than it.

cheese

that could well cheese could arguably

a liquid couldn't it if it's well only it's a horrible cheese cheese whiz no if it's like at a really nice temperature where it oozes i would say that's but i think that's an oozy solid okay yeah not a liquid oozy solid is ed's lap name yeah

Ed to the bit he chose cheese because he knows it's my least favourite of all the solids anyway.

I'm trying to think of solids that are really like going to blow your mind.

That are great solids.

That are really good solids.

Chocolate.

Chocolate milk.

No.

Chocolate milk is chocolate, yeah.

Chocolate milk is shit.

Yes, I regretted it as soon as I said it.

Yeah.

Chocolate is great.

God, I didn't think it was that good an example, but I've

got it.

There's no liquid version of chocolate that is better than chocolate.

Even that hot chocolate that is just liquid chocolate.

I used to,

confession, when I used to be a child

back in the day,

back in the good old days of Joe Lysett, I used to come home from school and watch Deal or No Deal with a bowl of chocolate that I'd melted in

the microwave and a cup of tea.

Because what I really liked is I ate the chocolate with a spoon and then the texture in the mouth was very like, you know, that sort of like, so then the earl grey tea, which I would have afterwards, was really refreshing.

That would wash the rest of it down when it was a little grey.

Yeah, it was an older.

So it sounds very much like, you know, that's someone who prefers his liquids to his solids there.

Instantly melting down the chocolate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If solid chocolate's so good, why was Little Joe Lice melting it up and then washing it down with another liquid on top of it?

Well, it was little Joe Lice.

I haven't done it as an adult.

I've matured into understanding what you do now.

Solid sort of, you know, there's nuances.

A block of chocolate and some frozen L Grey.

You're sucking a big block of frozen L gray afterwards.

How much chocolate would you melt down and put in a bowl?

Too much.

Sort of one of those of dairy milk.

How would you describe that in a size?

Not a small.

Not a standard one.

Like a mid-sized one.

Not a massive one.

Not the massive one.

Yeah, not a novelty one.

A

three.

No, A5.

A5.

Look about A5, yeah, what you're doing there.

Just like a postcard.

A postcard.

A postcard.

A postcard of dairy milk.

You'd melt that money.

In a bowl.

And you have to be very careful with it because if you melt chocolate in a microwave, it can very quickly burn.

So

you have to nurture it.

You have to sort of stay with it.

I don't know, people like burnt cameramt, but desserts are not burnt chocolate.

That's a solid that I now appreciate as an older person.

But my tastes were so much more base back in the day, so I was just a liquid fan.

How much sugar were you adding to the melted chocolate?

You spinkled some

sugar in there?

Zero.

Now, that is a classic James A.

Custer question.

He can't hear someone say something like, I melted some chocolate without thinking, well, surely you added sugar to it as well.

Yeah, that's what I used to do with hot chocolate as a kid.

I'd come home from school.

Before my parents got back, I'd put like as many spoonfuls of hot chocolate powder in the chocolate, a couple of spoons of sugar,

put it all together.

One day, my dad came back before I'd finished drinking the hot chocolate, and I, because I'd always have this like really dark, granulated, like, sludge at the bottom that I'd lug down and be the happiest I've ever been.

And my dad came in once and caught me before I drank that and got the mug off me, looked at it, went, you might as well.

He said to me, you might as well melt it down a chocolate bar, James.

But little did he know.

But when your dad says things like that,

he means, Why don't you melt down a chocolate bar?

James, you should have done this.

I'm disappointed in you.

We're putting loving family.

If you want to melt down chocolate bars, just ask me.

If only we had been friends back then, I could have taught you.

We would have been such good friends, I think, as kids.

We would, yeah.

I would have definitely bullied you a bit.

Absolutely.

And I can't pretend I wouldn't have liked him.

I would get back from school and eat some brie and watch Ricky Lake.

Oh, no.

Really?

Yeah.

Brie.

I loved Brie.

James gets really annoyed that I like cheese and also imagines me as a very precocious posh child.

Yeah, yes.

I bet he was just watching Ricky Lake and being like, oh, look at those poor contestants.

They weren't contestants, they weren't contestants.

That's the way posh people view everyone else, though.

Yeah.

Contestants in the game of life.

Yeah.

And we all lose.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you like food, Joe?

Are you a food head?

I love food.

I'm a big fan of a nice dinner and a nice glass of something.

That's one of the nice chocolate.

Great pleasures.

A nice glass of chocolate and a block of L Grey ice.

Have you always

liked food?

Have you always been into it, or was there a point in your life where you suddenly thought, I'm going to really get into food?

No, I've always liked it, but I've definitely sort of got more adventurous with...

I love spending loads of money on like a posh restaurant.

Yeah.

I don't, you know, I'm single, I don't have any dependents, and I earn loads of fucking money.

So I've started spending it in really nice restaurants.

What else is there to do?

What was the last really nice restaurant that you went to?

Kudu in Peckham.

Kudu?

Spelt K-U-D-U.

What kind of cuisine?

Modern European by a South African chef.

Lovely.

And it actually wasn't that expensive.

And I went with the great writer and friend Rick Samada, who is a writer for The Guardian.

He also wrote a brilliant book.

And we do Joe and Rick's Peck'em Picks,

where we try out different Peckham-based restaurants because I stay there and I'm in London and he lives in Peckham.

And we really liked kudu.

What did we have?

We had this incredible fish, and

I can't remember what it was now.

It was really tenderly done.

Very nice

bread that came almost like a Yorkshire pudding

in like an iron dish that it had been cooked in.

And then a butter that had little, what are the tiny little shrimps called?

Sort of big teeny tiny ones.

I know the ones you mean?

Craig.

No, not crab.

Crabs.

Crab neck.

They might be called shrimp, just shrimp.

Mini shrimp.

Yeah, mini shrimp with

some sort of, I think it was almonds and then butter.

Oh, wow.

And it was just, oh.

And you just dip it in, and that, oh, it was so good.

And a beetroot thing, a delicious dessert.

Bless you.

Come on.

Would you like a tissue?

I've got some of my bad things.

It's the oddest sneakers I've ever seen.

It's got fresh boots.

Balsam, is that how you say it?

Bals.

Bals.

You're right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's horrible.

It says pocket tissues.

And then underneath, sniffles on the go.

Sniffles.

The worst thing you've ever heard.

Sniffles is not a good sniff.

Sniffles on the go.

Hey, have you got any of those sniffles on the go?

The peck and pick sounds like a great thing.

How's your top peck and pick?

Yeah,

what's your top peck and pick?

We've done two.

And how do you pick them?

I think we've done three, actually, but

Rick argued against that last week when we were in kudu.

There was one.

Normal in Paradise?

It starts with an L and it's sort of Frenchy.

And that was...

We liked it a lot.

We got very drunk.

Leon.

Could have been Leon.

It's like everyone's going mad about it in Peckham.

But we thought it was a little bit rich, a little bit fatty.

Really nice.

It felt indulgent, but we both came away feeling quite heavy.

Right, yeah, yeah.

That's not, because, yeah, ideally, how do you want to come away from a meal feeling?

What's your drunk?

Drunk.

And not too

slow.

Not too full.

Yeah.

Not too slow.

Levan, it's Levan, yeah.

Levan.

Our producer, the great Benito, knows everything that's going on in Peckham.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's really got his finger on the pulse, on the Peckham Pulse.

Not as much as Joe and Rick's Peck and Picks.

No, no, obviously.

Joe Mee's.

There was another one that we went to because there's so many good restaurants.

The Begging Bowl is very nice.

And actually, the Peckham Bazaar is so good.

I think the Peckham Bazaar might be one of the best restaurants in the world.

I've never heard of this place.

I didn't know there was so much going on in Peckham.

There's a lot going on in Peckham.

What's the Peckham Bazaar like?

What food?

Peckham Bazaar

is more sort of platy, little platy things.

Little platyman things.

And I haven't been for over a year, so I can't exactly remember, but I just remember leaving, feeling like it's very homely and really well-cooked, like good stuff.

I had a meal like that the other day in Liverpool at a place called Octopus, which is spelt with a K.

Loads of little dishes.

All of them blew my mind.

The popcorn mussels.

Wow.

A particular highlight.

Delish.

Popcorn mussels.

Yeah.

And

also, I really enjoyed the treacle cured salmon.

So shout out to.

And this was before a show, wasn't it?

Yeah, I did a whole

bunch of show.

You eat before a show like no one I've ever met before.

Yes.

But I can't eat that.

I don't know about you, Joe.

I can't eat that much before a show.

I need to keep it light before a show.

I can't feel full.

I can't feel sick while I'm performing.

Yeah.

James will eat a four-course meal and then go and do a gig.

Well, yeah, I think what you've got to understand, Joe, is lately my shows have felt like an execution.

And so therefore, I may as well just have enjoy my final meal before I go to put my head on the fucking block again.

As in that, you've not been

enjoying them.

Oh, man.

Like, so many nights I get just people turn up shouting out a bunch of absolute pig shits.

Yeah, but you bear in mind you're walking on stage with all food around your mouth and flirting.

You're burping.

It's disrespectful.

I know.

I've actually started burping on stage.

So often, though, I find like our friends of mine will come to see you do a stand-up show and they'll be like, he was absolutely amazing, really brilliant.

And then I'll text you with that information and you'll say, it was a piece of shit.

It's the worst night ever.

Yep.

And that's just not how

it's not how it's being perceived whatsoever.

I remember your parents coming to see me in Birmingham and me texting you afterwards, telling you to apologise to your parents for how bad it was.

I said they would have hated it, it went so badly.

And then you replied saying, Wrong!

Really made me laugh.

Yes, again.

Not taking it, not letting me get away with anybody.

Wrong!

Just completely editing your voice as well.

No, I respect that.

You go and check out restaurants all over the country now, James.

Yeah, well,

that is the best thing.

Like, I really enjoyed touring and finding really good places to eat.

I think the best place to eat in the country at the minute that I find is I think Newcastle's got so many amazing places.

Really?

And Chucho's in Newcastle has the best tacos that I've had in Britain.

It's this family-run place, and they did a haggis taco and it was the best thing I've had on the whole tour.

It was so good.

Wow.

We start you off with some water, Joe.

Would you like still or sparkling?

Still, please.

Is that straight in the

new rule?

No message.

No, it's not, it's a new rule.

I

have now done two years hosting a show called The Great British Sewing Bee.

And on the first day of the first

recording, well, it's the day before the first recording, it's like our kind of like prep day.

We went for a lunch, and it was me, Patrick and Esme, the judges, and then a couple of the producers.

And I drank a lot of fizzy water at the start of the meal, then had half a burrata, and then spent the rest of the meal

unable to eat, because I felt really like I was going to vomit.

I drank so much fizzy water.

I've since realised that actually it's a new response to anxiety that sometimes I can't can't seem to eat for some reason, which is really annoying.

But I was obviously very anxious about the start of the recording, but in my head, it was the fizzy water.

So now you're unable to break that link.

I'm unable to break the link, so it's straight to still.

Otherwise, I feel like I'm back at that meal.

I just think I was convinced my first day on that show, I was going to projectile vomit onto everyone else's burrata.

I do really like the combination of loads of fizzy water and then a burata does sound like a terrible idea.

Yeah.

Not just you've got a stomach full of fizzy dairy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It wasn't a good idea.

Massive shout out to Barata's like.

Oh, huge shout-out to Baratas.

Barratis.

They are changing the game.

Buffalo Mozzarella is weeping in the corner.

Burata's up there with one of my absolute favourite.

I'm annoying about having Burrata as my starter for the...

It would have been a great choice.

I mean, oh, yeah, you're right.

Mozzarella's cowering now.

Mozzarella's shit, isn't it?

For such a long time, it was just running the show,

resting on its laurels.

Oh, I'm just gonna.

I've just realised that burrata is the liquid form, essentially, isn't it?

Yeah, exactly.

But it's halfway between, right?

Creamy.

Oh, it looks like dipping bread into a burata, particularly if they've done like a bit of oil around it or maybe a bit of pesto or something.

Cutting into it.

You pretend like you're doing an operation.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

You feel like you're Dr.

Pimple Popper?

Yeah, yeah.

Always.

Ask the people to hide you.

You know, you can buy now a block of like rubber that has pimples in it and you can s you you you

alongside it comes this little pipette of like pretend

zits.

And you fill it up and then you pop it.

And you fill it and you pop it.

Now, obviously, there's part of me that is disgusted by that, but I'm disgusted at myself for wanting that.

I really want it.

I really want it.

I go down massive YouTube holes of Dr.

Pimple Popper.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

And all Botfly Removal as well.

No, you were that.

No, I'm not.

Of course I've not watched Botswaver.

I mean,

thank you.

By the way, way, I know we're going to get tweets about this, and I'm sorry that you feel sick and you're listening to a food podcast.

And me and Joe are about to talk about popping pimples, but bad luck.

Yeah.

Pot flies.

At least you guys listening at home are going to hear the edited version.

I've got to sit here and listen to this live, no matter what they talk about.

Disgusting.

Don't deny yourself, James.

Don't watch that.

Do you not like the pimple popper stuff?

My friend got into pimple popping so much, and she now watches people having their legs amputated and stuff like that.

She probably watches people have their fucking fucking legs sawn off in operations because, like, that's how much she's into that stuff.

I don't know.

It's escalating for me.

There was a lot of steps in between.

Not for the person having their leg taken off.

Yeah, yeah.

But that's where she's at now.

So I'm not going down that.

I don't want to find out that I like the pimples popped and then I'm watching horrendous stuff in years to come.

Do you like popping your own pimples?

Not really.

Right.

No, no.

I just...

You've got very good skin, so it's not something you have to worry about that often.

I've got to pop the odd pimple and I don't enjoy it.

No.

I mean, I admit that when you get it good, it is satisfying.

When you get a good one, it is very satisfying.

But then I still don't like the fact that now I've got this red stingy mark on my face.

I've got to walk around with it.

So the whole experience is pretty negative.

People are like, oh, my God, James has really let himself go.

Yeah, look at him.

He's still a teenager, isn't he?

Look at Old Barrata's face on Mock the Week, and look at him now.

Exactly.

That's true.

That's what everyone says.

Mock the Week gives people an unfair image of communication.

Do you remember when you were on Have I Got News for You?

And I texted you saying how hot you looked,

because your skin looked so good and your cheekbones were unbelievable.

And then James

said, no, I looked ugly and you were.

Yeah, yeah.

Roger.

You looked particularly fit that night.

That was very kind of you.

James always looks fit when he's delivering some hardcore satire.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

To silence.

Yeah.

Next to a judgy Paul Melton.

To the bemusement.

To the bemusement of some national treasures.

So it's not, Barrata is not going to be your starter.

No, it's not.

No,

yes.

Yes.

Of course, Lysit would be the one who would have loaded in the cannon, almost like you knew I was going to.

Obviously, you knew that I was going to shout it at you, but it's like you knew I was going to do it then.

Yeah.

I tried to dump you.

I could feel it.

I jumped.

For the listener.

Yeah.

Right.

Because you,

not in my defence.

Yeah, in my defence, you clearly got to the end of a thought.

So I was prepped then.

I was like, I know what's coming now.

But

that's why I tried to dummy you by talking about starters.

Yes.

And you thought, oh, maybe we've missed.

But then you were ready.

So ready to go.

Very impressive, Joe.

That was great.

Also, I've always sometimes felt bad about making the person jump, but...

I just jumped then and I loved it.

It's good for you.

It's good, isn't it?

Yes.

They say that cold water swimming is very good for you because it gets you used to

being uncomfortable and being shocked.

And that's actually really good for your mental health.

So actually, a bit of shock is good for you.

That's why I love horror films.

See, that's nice.

Cold water swimming.

Another point to liquids, I think.

Yeah.

Well, it's really cold water swimming.

Sure.

I don't know how you're doing.

It's not swimming, though, isn't it?

It's not swimming.

That's water.

It's throws you out of block of ice.

And it is bread.

And it's bread.

It is very much bread.

It'd be awful if it was the answer was actually poppadums.

I'm not a fan of poppadoms.

Oh, come on.

No.

No point whispering it into a mic, Joe.

I'm not a fan of poppadoms.

Yes.

Yeah, what is it?

I just.

I don't like the consistency of them.

I don't like that they kind of break all over the place and you've got little bits here and there that you then can't dip.

And I find it all just a bit.

The admin of it is too much.

Okay.

You don't like the shards.

I don't like the shards.

There's a restaurant in Birmingham called Purnell's, which is Glyn Purnell's restaurant, and he came up with, because he thought that bread would often weigh people down before a meal.

And as I've said previously, that's one of the worst things that you can

have at the end of a meal, is to come out feeling sober and heavy.

And

he's devised this bread that is incredibly light and a butter that goes with it so that you have like basically a loaf that sort of size and you eat the whole thing and you don't feel full.

Oh wow but it's delicious.

And I think he's bloody done it.

Oh wow.

Glynn has done it.

He's made a beautiful loaf of bread.

Is it like white bread or white bread?

It's a white bread and it's not got much of a crust to it if I remember rightly and it's it melts when you put it in your mouth.

It doesn't like it's not a chewer.

It's like I just let it dissolve.

But the kind of softest, warmest, loveliest bread you've ever had.

So just it's preparing the mouth for the meal ahead.

Exactly, yeah.

So we've been talking about solids and liquids a lot.

Has this man created something slapbang in the middle of both of them?

Perhaps, yeah.

It's the sort of barrata of bread.

You're really pushing for liquids here, man.

I'm just trying to.

One subspike picked a team, I want to really back it up.

Yeah, yeah.

So people know.

Trying to say that that bread is liquid, part liquid.

Joe picked a liquid for his

water at the start.

Joe did pick a liquid for his water out of the liquids.

Yeah.

Out of the two liquids, I was liquid, didn't I?

Yeah, yeah.

That was good.

And it's arguably more liquid because Fizzy Water's got gas in it, hasn't it?

So I went with the most liquid of the options.

You did, it is true.

So once again, wins out.

What type of butter comes with this bread?

Because I would argue that would make it heavier, though, wouldn't it?

I think it was like a whipped butter.

I do like a whipped butter.

I like a whipped thing.

Yeah.

Anything whipped.

I've just been for breakfast.

I had some whipped feta.

Oh, lovely.

How do you whip a feta?

I guess you just really got to go for it.

Because it would be arduous, I imagine.

you really got to go for it.

Do they mix it with anything to whip it?

I wonder whether they mix it with a bit of like a cream or something.

Just to

with a bit of cream, yeah.

Otherwise, it's just going to be you're just reconstituting the fetter, aren't you?

You are.

And why would you do that, you prick?

Just have a slice of feta.

Have a slice of feta.

Was that on an avocado smash, bro?

Oh, yes.

Classic.

With an egg.

London life.

London life.

With an egg.

Just living my London life.

May I just say, Ed?

You just got read read like an absolute book.

I don't mind being read like a book when avocado's the first chapter.

Was there a poached egg on top?

Yup.

There you go.

Bacon on the side.

Sourdough.

No rye.

Oh, no.

Silly me, silly me.

Peck'em rye.

Peck'em rye, baby.

What was I getting in?

Peck'em.

It was delicious.

So we've got Glynn Purnell's cloud bread, may I ask?

Cloud bread.

That's probably not far from how he describes it.

With whipped butter.

With whipped butter.

With a bit of salt in the whip.

Oh, lovely.

Lovely bit of salt in the whip.

I whip.

Watch me salt this butter.

Classic gym.

Whip my butter back and forth.

Now, I think these are references to songs I've not heard.

You know, whip my hair back and forth.

I don't think I do.

By Willow Smith.

Of course I don't.

I'll whip my hair back and forth.

I'll whip my hair back and forth.

Oh, yeah.

I've heard people say that before.

I feel like you've played that in a dark night that I've been to with you as a DJ.

I haven't played that, but I've heard I whip my hair back and forth.

But I don't think I've heard the actual song.

I mean, I've heard some.

Do you see much these days?

Not loads.

Every now and again.

You're an excellent DJ.

It's a waste of good talent.

Yes, I should start doing it because actually I was going to say I enjoy it, but

I do.

I enjoy DJing when it's a comedian's event, like if you were there.

When I've done it when it's not comedians' events, people get...

Scrim.

People get angry.

People come and complain.

complain.

This is playing out.

The thing here is that you sort of don't like the public, really, do you?

Oh,

make no mistake.

I hate the public.

This is my favourite thing that I do professionally because it's me, Ed, a friend that we've invited on, and, albeit, Benito.

And Benito's the public.

Yeah, Benito.

Benito's sort of halfway between the public and the...

Benito's the barata of people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a better version of the public.

He's silent throughout.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But judging us very much so.

Oh, he has to sit there now, so he's in my blind spot.

Because for a while he was sitting where I could see him, and every time I tell him the story, he thought it was boring.

Oh,

you think you can read Ed like a book?

Yeah.

I read this guy like a bloody encyclopedia.

I just see his face go, I made it in this out, this is boring.

Or it's when you do like a bad joke and you see him write down to cut it.

Yeah.

That's awful.

If you see him writing anything down, it's bad news.

I've seen him write down quite a lot of what I've talked about.

He'll also write down the names of restaurants.

Yes.

Oh.

To put on the website.

Just to put it on the website so people don't ask him directly.

Because otherwise members of the public, because they're absolute fucking morons,

will tweet the podcast going, can you please tell me all the places that you've mentioned?

And then Benito's like,

oh, there's a page on the website.

I will say this very clearly now.

Anyone that wants to tweet me asking what restaurants I've referenced, I will happily answer.

Yes, that's good.

Good on you.

Good man.

I immediately retract that actually because I just thought about what a fucking headache that would be.

So your starter.

Well, this is the thing.

There's so many restaurants that I love.

There's so many starters, mains, desserts, everything that I love.

So it's almost impossible to pick.

The bread was

clear to me what to go with because it's the best bread I've had.

But the rest, I've sort of just going to when you ask me the question, I'm just what I land on out of about 10 different options.

Right.

Is the one

other than starter as well, actually, because starter's pretty clear in my mind.

Well, it could have been Burrata, but it's not going to be Burrata.

We've already had a shout-out for Burrata.

Yeah, yeah, we've gone.

We've given that anchon.

Honourable Muncheon.

So what is your starter?

It is a restaurant in Birmingham called Zindia.

Zindia.

Z-I-N-D-I-Y-A.

Benito.

Don't forget you can tweet Joe to ask him about that again.

Yeah.

Z-I-N-D-I-W.

I can't speak.

Yeah.

If you want to tweet Joe, ask him how to spell it, but just one letter at a time.

You have to ask for each letter individually.

Fucking on my Twitter to the end night.

I will be off Twitter from the 11th of December until the end of my life.

They do, it's such a good restaurant, Zindir.

It's really

Indian street food-y stuff.

But there's so many Indian street food places that have opened, and a lot of them are dog shit.

Whereas this is really

the bees, Indian street food.

It's almost like a bee would eat if it went to India.

Yeah, if a bee went to India, it would eat.

And a bee's got the pick of whatever it wants.

That's true.

It can just fly around places, having a little nibble here and there, can't they?

Yeah, because if someone's like, oh, get off my food, the bee can always fake, you know,

I thought it was a flower.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got confused.

Yeah.

You know, it's always you would believe it.

I'll never not believe a bee.

Yeah, I'd always be like,

fair enough, bee.

Sorry, I thought it was a flower.

So, in Zindir,

unless you want to continue with the bee riff.

I think the bee riff felt like it was dying quicker than a bee would after it uses its sting.

No, no, no, no.

Oh,

I was just pollinating it, Gov.

Gov.

Yeah, I'm glad we went back to the beer.

Yeah, yeah, that's what it would say.

I go, oh, sorry, Gov.

I just thought it was a little flower.

I was just doing some pollination.

Is it a cockney bee?

Sounds like it, isn't it?

Yeah.

In India.

Yeah, yeah, in India.

Gonna find itself and some food, but it's none of things.

You must understand,

in the bee world, the empire still reigns in India.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they're colonising.

Oh, that's ants.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Fortunately, good good job there.

It's still pretty good, man.

Still kind of works, isn't it?

Yeah.

Still good if you don't know.

If you don't know facts, works.

Very much how I approach all of my performances.

Also, that myth that I just did is very much the reason why I've been sits where he does now.

Zindir, Z-I-N-D-I-Y-A.

They do a samosa cha, which is

a really nice, crispy samosa,

and then a kind of chickpea sauce over the top then some sort of green thing which is kind of creamy and takes a bit of the spice out i'm salivating thinking about it and then some pomegranate seeds and then some like crispy almost sort of bombay mix kind of stuff on top of that so it's like layers of really good stuff now joe can you guess out of all those ingredients

what's the one that i would oh no, I thought I'd said the same thing.

Oh, I thought I'd said the ingredients.

You have not said the secret ingredients.

One of them, though, has been a secret ingredient.

In the past, can you guess which one it is?

Pome.

Yeah.

Pomegranate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pomegranate or pomegranate seeds.

It's the pomegranate seeds, yeah.

Right.

Do you like them?

I'm not a fan, actually.

I mean, I don't mind them in that because they get hidden by the other stuff.

But they get in the old teeth, don't you?

They do.

They're weirdly crunchy.

They're like little baby's teeth.

I think they're weird.

They're really weird.

It always says they're like little baby's teeth.

It's all I can think about.

I went to a restaurant recently where they had pomegranate seats on a lot of things, but they worded it pomegranate jewels.

And I did not like that.

I was like, don't try and nug me off.

You may as well eat a jewel.

They're that hard.

Yeah.

You may as well just pop a diamond in your mouth.

Yeah, crunch on that.

But that samosa sounds amazing.

Yeah, that sounds absolutely delicious.

What's in the samosa itself?

Just classic, like a lot of lovely sort of sautéed potato, I imagine, is the way they've done it.

and it's totally vegan because I'm trying to be vegan in the week and then do whatever the fuck I want on the weekend.

Just like eat a pig live.

And I often order it

alongside it

these soy ticker bites which they've got like a chicken ticker and a lamb chop and whatever on the menu but they've also done this vegan one which is soy and they apparently they marinate it in soy yogurt so it's actually much juicier and softer than chicken.

Oh, wow.

Better than chicken.

That sounds amazing.

Yes, please.

That's what I want to hear more of.

Things moving in that direction, food-wise.

So they're actually going, okay, we're going to do vegan alternatives, but we're going to make them better than the original.

Yeah, like that's where we want to head.

I've been to the restaurant with non-vegans and ordered the chicken tikka and the soy ticker, and the soy ticker always gets double-ordered.

Well, chicken dries out so quickly, it dries out, it dries out.

Oh,

speaking of which,

I've been it.

Benito, I don't know if you've found this lately.

We've had a shout-out on the podcast before to corn sausages, corn cocktail sausages.

Corn cocktail sausages are my favourite cocktail sausages.

Benito introduced me to them.

They're delicious.

I think they're better than normal cocktail sausages.

Right.

Recently, very recently, they have changed the packaging so that they come in a different container.

And I have found, I don't know about you, Benito, the standard has gone down and they've got drier.

They're bigger, but not as nice.

They're bigger, but not as nice.

This is an appeal.

This is where now suddenly I want the public on my side.

Yep, to the quorn.

Start messaging corn and tell them to get it back on track because they have one of the best dishes in the world and now it is.

Is it a dish?

We're calling it a dish?

Yeah, and are we calling it the best in the world?

Yeah, me and Benito would eat a punnet each easy.

A punnet?

And yeah.

Hang on, quorn isn't vegan, though, is it?

No, no.

It's not because it's chicken, it hasn't it.

Vegeta.

Can I.

They're not cocktail sausages, but I think they're the best vegan sausages by a country mile.

Oh, Sainsbury's shroom aloom sausages.

Oh, very nice to say.

Caramelized onion and pepper, I think they're the ones I've had, but they also do like a chorizo version.

And

I don't know how they've done it, but when I had my first sausage sandwich with them, I thought I was eating pork.

They were so juicy and the texture was so perfect.

Unbelievable.

I think caramelised onion is the key to those kind of like those like veggie sausages.

It's It's so delicious.

I love a Linda over a corn there.

A Linda McCartney.

Oh, exactly.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

I'm not familiar enough with all the brands, and so we said I love a Linda.

I thought you meant a Lindor, like a chocolate thing.

Oh, and I thought, yeah.

A Lindor sausage.

That would be good, wouldn't it?

I was like, dude, don't need to win me over.

Absolutely, I prefer a Lindor.

Shout out for toferki sausages as well.

Oh, I've not had a tafa.

The Italian towfurki sausage.

That's good.

Very dense.

Not really really meat.

They don't taste like a meat replacement.

They taste like their own thing, but they're absolutely delicious.

They really are.

And shout out to pork.

Pork's nice, isn't it?

Yeah.

The original?

Sure.

Influenced a lot of people, but your time is coming to an end, Pork.

I really wanted to know how many,

like...

At one point, how many horses there are in the world?

I think it's something like 40 million or something.

Wow.

Why did you want to know this, Joe?

Well, I just got really interested in how many animals there are.

Like, because I saw a statistic which is something like there's three chickens for

that.

Or something for every person.

Oh, okay.

The three chickens.

Just three chickens, yeah.

And we don't, no one ever realises it.

They're all very good at impressions

doing different things.

There's actually no such thing as a turkey.

It's all those

often two of the chickens at once.

So there's three chickens.

I was talking to my friend about this, and he asked possibly the most annoying question I've ever asked, because we then were thinking how many other creatures are there.

And I said, I wonder how many ants there are.

And he said, how many ants aren't there?

That's a really annoying question.

Was that Harry?

Did Harry say that?

It wasn't Harry, actually.

I was going to say Harry.

And because

I do think there is an answer to that question.

How many ants aren't there?

How many ants could there possibly be?

Like, how much of the universe could be inhabited by ants?

Well, infinity, surely.

Infinity ants.

No, because the universe isn't infinite in space.

But it's constantly expanding.

Yeah, but right at this moment, there's only so many planets that could probably...

Places as well.

It's not infinite.

There is probably a number of.

I don't miss the joke.

I'm thinking about how many ants there aren't.

Are you counting ants as being alive?

Yeah.

So you wouldn't let them stretch to space and die in space.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

They have to be alive, so they have to be on a planet.

On a planet, they could survive.

Yeah.

So that's the amount of potential ants there are.

Then you have to subtract the amount of ants there actually are.

And then you know how many ants aren't

there.

Yeah.

It's annoying.

It's really annoying because there will be an answer.

That's one thing.

If you could tweet me with how many ants aren't there, I would really like to know the answer.

I think you'll get that wish.

Yeah.

Me and James ate ants once.

We did.

Oh, yeah, I've tried ants.

They're like lemony, aren't they?

Yeah.

They're very citrusy, yeah.

There's a fabulous restaurant again in Birmingham called The Wilderness, and for a long time they had a cheese tart and they had ants climbing up onto the tart.

Wow.

And it was, it got into, obviously, all the press.

Birmingham Mail went wild for it.

Were they pro or anti?

I mean, that wasn't a joke.

It's nice.

Very good,

very nice.

Ed, I didn't mind it.

Come on.

Not bad.

I think

I think they were pro.

Yeah.

Rather than anti.

So they were anti.

They were.

It is funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

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Main course time.

Now this is where

you can see you making a decision on the spot.

It's Birmingham again.

Which is great, by the way, because we get a lot of messages saying that we're too London-centric.

Yes.

And now we've got...

I send them all, and here I am.

We've got two episodes now with good shout-outs of Birmingham.

You and Jess Phillips.

Jess Phillips done it.

Jess has done it.

Jess Phillips.

You interviewed Jess Phillips, didn't you?

I saw you before it happened.

You were hanging out with her son.

Yes.

Yeah, he's wild.

Love you dad.

Wild boy.

Got a photo with him.

Kemp is wallpaper on his son.

He loves you.

He loves you.

Well, he's a member of the public, so.

I think he loves David Williams more, but.

That's fair enough.

Yeah.

David Williams is probably nicer to the peas in a pod.

two peas in a pod.

Me and Williams, yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, I get in a pod with Williams and swim the channel with him.

Two of us together, like a big worm swimming across the tents.

God, I would do so much to see that happen.

Yeah, I think I'm going to go with, and it's a dish that's not actually on the menu anymore, but

it's so indulgent and it's

rich and ridiculous.

And it goes against what I'd said earlier about not wanting to feel heavy.

But it's a restaurant called Original Patty Men, OPM, which is a burger restaurant.

Immediately, James loves the name.

Yeah.

I don't even have to look at him to tell you that he loves the name Original Patty Man.

Original Patty Man.

And I've got to say, I'm on board as well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

OPM, one of Birmingham's finest.

And they recorded the song Heaven is a Half Pipe, of course.

Yes.

Yeah, they did.

Yeah.

At least in Heaven I Can Skate.

Still, one of the things that makes me laugh the most is people saying they're going to heaven.

Oh, anyway, Carlyle.

Really?

The general public will not be going there, will they?

No, no, General Public won't be going there.

But yeah, this is the Christmas special, so might as well just laugh at the idea of heaven.

Just really love it.

Especially the idea of skateboarding in heaven.

I'm very excited to hear what the original Patty Men have to offer.

I'm really excited.

So, they are like the favourite burger restaurant in Birmingham.

Do really like dirty,

juicy burgers.

They do a Wings Night on a Wednesday, a really great

vibe.

They do like a table beer, so they're bringing like a bottle of what looks like a wine bottle, but it's beer.

Oh, nice, absolute heaven.

Um,

they did a burger, beef burger with cheese in a Krispy Cream original glazed dough.

Oh, my god, Holy fuck.

I

can't be doing with that, Joe.

I can and did and loved it.

Really?

You actually liked it?

Ed's heard those words and slipped into a diabetic coma.

Yeah.

Look at him.

Poor guy.

Also, Ed.

Also,

you know me, I'd eat it if I wanted it and I'd just inject insulin, right?

But yes.

But that's mad to me.

It is mad.

And I'd like to make an apology, by the way, for talking about me and William swimming in the Thames earlier.

Oh, right, yeah.

I think that was.

James.

James thinks that I

contracted type 1 diabetes when I fell in the Thames when I was 13.

Yes.

Yeah.

Just that's a running thing on the podcast.

Okay.

It's a swimming writer.

I don't understand that.

What

has happened?

It's just how Ed got diabetes is he fell in the Thames.

And I'm just not sure that's how it works with James.

It was what happened.

I feel bad about saying that me and Williams are swimming in the Thames.

It's not true.

Now, every time, you know, occasionally I'll write an article with, you know, a slightly serious angle or do something for a diabetic charity and all I get are responses to the tweet saying, is that because he fell in the Thames?

Well, if me and Williams do swim in the Thames, that's what we'll be raising money for.

What?

Diabetes awareness.

But you'll get type 1 diabetes if you go in the Thames.

Yes.

Well, that's.

I've made some money for myself.

And he didn't even swim the Thames.

He swam the channel.

It did the Thames as well.

Did he?

Yeah, yeah.

I think he loves to swim.

Yeah, because he did the Thames and he got really, really ill.

Because he got all the ticks and leeches on him and it was really sick.

He said he was like shitting as he was swimming, apparently.

Yeah, actually,

I didn't get type of movies from David Williams's shit, James.

Oh, it sounds like he might have

sounds like Williams.

When did you get it?

How long have you had it?

13, I was diagnosed.

Yeah,

the dates don't match up.

The dates don't match up, and also the facts don't.

Well, maybe that's what Williams was getting sick off of then.

When you went in the Thames.

Oh, what?

The diabetes that you'd left in the Thames when you were back.

So I left something there, did I?

You left a little trace of it.

Yeah, yes, enough to make that it's not enough to give David Williams type one diabetes, it was enough to make him shit himself.

Yeah, right, just enough to make David Williams crap his pants or trunks actually, right?

I think he's more prepared than that.

Yeah, he doesn't just walk you past the Thames.

He's like, I'll get in my pants.

Yeah, don't do it fully clothed.

Yeah, but yeah.

It's a mad thing to do that, isn't it?

Mad.

Wasn't it to raise money?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'd hope it was to raise money.

Complimentable.

Yeah.

Right, come on, you've got to sell this thing to me because

you can totally imagine the sound of this Krispy Kreme.

Do you like burgers?

Yeah, I love burgers.

Okay, do you like doughnuts?

I'm sort of not.

I mean, I'm going to cause so much trouble.

You've sent me photos of doughnuts that you've ordered to your house.

When?

Crosstown or something.

You've ordered them to your house.

No, I don't order them to my house.

I've never ordered them to my house.

I've had a crosstown before.

You've ordered donuts to your house and sent me a photo of them before.

I swear to John.

I don't like doughnuts as much as a lot of people like donuts.

People are like, people go wild for doughnuts.

They're like, doughnuts are the best thing ever.

It would never be my go-to.

Really?

Yeah.

But what we're having here, Joe,

there's a running joke on the podcast that, you know, I don't like it when people choose a cheeseboard for dessert because it's not a dessert.

I get really angry about it.

This is the funny change.

You've flipped this.

It's a great joke.

It's a great joke, isn't it?

It is.

What's the punchline?

Just my anger.

James.

My anger.

Well, if you listen to the Jess Phillips episode, James screamed in an elected MP's face.

Yes.

She'll like that.

She really enjoyed it.

To be fair, she really enjoyed getting a right out of me.

But

this is the first time someone's flipped it, and I'm seeing it from the other side now because you've essentially worked in a dessert into your main course, and the Ed is not having any of it.

Well, I just think it's pushing things too far.

I think it's the ultimate ends to this Instagram food generation.

It's just, you know,

I just think it's all style over substance, Joe.

It's Piers Morgan.

Is that you?

I think it's man versus food.

I think it's...

You weren't expecting Piers to be

a man for Christmas, were you?

No.

What a Christmas treat.

I think it's disgusting.

I think it's absolutely disgusting.

No, you're absolutely wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

The Krispy Kreme Doughnut is, I think, an engineering feat.

Yes.

It's a beautiful.

The texture of the...

What do you call it?

The doughnut?

The dough.

The dough.

Yeah, let's go for that.

The flavour of the nut.

I don't know how they've done it, but it's like the Glyn Pernell bread.

It's floaty and airy, and then like a beautiful glaze.

Oh.

So they've taken that, and

to be fair, it's an impractical and impossible thing to eat because the actual doughnut itself crumbles to nothing.

Is it

one doughnut cut in half?

Yeah.

So,

yeah, it's glaze.

It's a one-to-one.

It's the glaze one, yeah.

I hate that glaze.

So there's that kind of hole in the top.

It looks horrible.

It looks horrible.

Yeah.

What do you think it looks like?

You know.

I love it.

Yeah.

But, you know.

There's a reason it's called donut.

A lot of people love the glaze.

Very good.

The reason it's called doughnut.

Do you get that?

Very good.

Very nice.

I'm not anti-that joke.

No.

Sorry.

I thought.

I thought, just if you if you you if you said ante it counts no fair enough

No a lot of people like that glazed head and a lot of people like they do I know it's just not my sort of thing.

Do you like sweet things in with savoury things?

Depends.

Give me some examples.

Don't have a burger?

No.

Ham and pineapple pizza?

No.

When you put chocolate in a chili?

Yeah, don't mind that, but it's honey rarely sweet, is it?

Honey in a chili?

No, not bothered about.

I've never had honey in a chili.

Honey glazed sausages?

Yeah, okay, but I prefer an unglazed sausage.

Would you?

Yes.

He's holding up under scrutiny here.

Well, maybe we just agree to disagree on this.

I think we agree to disagree, sure.

Yeah, I don't want to force a Krispy Kreme burger donut,

whatever it's called, down your gusset.

But

no, that's

shoving up your ass.

You should not be forcing a Krispy Kreme donut burger up anyone.

Yeah.

Particularly somewhere with type 1 dough.

Yeah yeah yeah.

It should have been every way.

He died as he lived.

Having a Krispy Kreme donut shoved up his ass.

I just think it's this whole like, I think it's like a man versus food thing.

And I think it's the same with like fruit.

I don't like freak shakes or anything either.

Oh, you don't know what a freak shake is.

Freak shakes are absolutely crazy to be fair.

It's like a milkshake, but with like a cake in it and a donut in it.

And

that's like a chocolate bar in it.

And it's all spilling over the sides.

It's for the photo.

It's for the ground.

It's for for the gram.

It's not for the mouth.

And I appreciate what you're saying about the donut burger being for the gram.

However,

Joe is saying it tastes amazing.

I'm happy to believe that.

I guess sometimes there's the exception that proves the rule.

Sure.

I mean, they don't do it anymore, so there must be a reason maybe there wasn't enough to man.

Sounds illegal.

Yeah.

They stopped doing it.

Yeah.

And all of their other burgers are excellent as well.

So I would choose.

Well, they're the original patty mail.

They are the original.

They are the original patty mail.

They're going going to be amazing.

So, um, yeah.

So, but you would choose that one.

So, just cheese.

It was just cheese.

I think it was just cheese, and then, yeah.

I suppose you don't need anything else in it.

There might have been like a relish of some sort, but like it was so it was mush, basically, by the time you ate it.

It wasn't.

What was it called, the burger?

I can't remember.

Krispy Kreme burger.

Krispy Kreme burger, probably.

And how was the burger cooked?

You can choose, and I just say medium.

You can choose to the savoury.

Medium meat.

Try to get all the details for the savoury part of the dinner.

The Krispy Kreme doughnut was uncooked.

I mean it was

baked.

Baked

on the grill or anything.

Have you seen the Krispy Kreme doughnuts go through the conveyor where

they get glazed?

Yeah, it's very satisfying to watch

the curtain of glaze and they just pass through it.

I mean you see all the waste as well.

Because it's not wasted.

It goes back into the case.

Yeah I think it goes back in.

Oh I don't know.

It looks like waste.

Shout out to Bon Appetit, the best YouTube channel.

And there's a series where a lady called Claire tries to make gourmet versions of fast food, and she made crispy creams.

That sounds like a great series.

It's great.

I'd enjoy that.

It's really good.

I've never heard about this.

Have you heard of Kay's Good Cooking?

No.

That's the best YouTube channel.

Kay is a woman, I think she's in Derby, or she's got like a kind of East Midlands accent, and

she cooks stuff for her son.

And

I don't want to be unkind.

I've met Kay, and she's really

can't cook

okay really she can't cook and the channel's called Kay's Good Cooking yeah love that it's extra it is extraordinary she did a thing the last thing she did was she did pasta but in a different way she did

spaghetti bolognese where she cooked the she didn't cook the meat actually she made a meat mix

like some chopped onions and and a and a bit of um

beef mince and then she literally just got some strands of uh dried spaghetti and just squeezed the beef around the spaghetti and then put that into a pan, then covered it in

tomato sauce,

smashed that in the oven,

and then

it comes out and she serves it up.

And her son eats it on camera and literally crunches through pasta that hasn't cooked properly.

And he goes, bit crunchy.

She goes, try it on a bit.

It's a bit softer in there.

Yeah, it's all right.

That's it.

Kay's good cooking.

Oh, it's my favourite.

I've never even seen it.

Now, at this point, because it's the Christmas special,

we will ask you, as a little bonus found,

what your ideal Christmas dinner is.

Or it can be the best Christmas dinner you've ever had.

I love a roast.

Yep.

I really like a roast.

My friend David does the best roast potatoes, so I'd have the roast potatoes that he does.

And the way he does them, he does the old boiling them a little bit to give them a little fluff.

And then he puts them into the pan with really hot oil, turns them, and then smashes them on a really high heat in the oven for about 15 minutes.

So they really crisp up.

And then he turns it down so they slow roast with it.

Oh, so good.

So I'd have the potatoes done like that.

Then turkey I would just replace with any other meat because fuck turkey.

Then

sprouts I'm not a huge fan of.

I'm more into kind of roasty, glazed.

So, would you have like a glazed carrot, for example, with like honey-glazed carrots?

No, I think I just like roast carrots a lot, but I wouldn't necessarily glaze them.

I think you get enough sweetness from a carrot if you roast it.

Well, my carrots that I grew in my garden this year were so sweet and delicious that they didn't need anything.

But there you go.

So

you prefer a lighter garden carrot.

Let's not skip over that.

I didn't know you were growing carrots in your garden.

Yes, I did two types.

I did like purple ones.

Yeah.

They weren't all purple.

I don't know

why some of them were, some of them weren't, but they were massive.

And then I did these ones called rondo carrots, which were round and kind of almost like

radishes.

The rondo ones weren't that flavoursome, but they were quite fun.

So you could just, I did those with honey.

But the big purple ones were outrageous.

And that's so soft.

The texture was, I really, and they were so easy to do.

Just smash the seeds in, just forget about them.

Yeah.

And just water them a bit.

So delicious.

Really, I find that very impressive.

Anyone who grows anything.

I just find that very impressive.

I did radishes, beetroot died a death.

Cauliflower, I've really struggled to make work because I'd really like a cauliflower.

I love a cauliflower.

I like a cauliflower too.

I love like a whole roasted cauliflower

in recent years, to be fair.

Yes, back in the day, I used to hate cauliflower because it used to sort of make me think of like an old person's home.

Yes.

And now

is that because they cook it in old people's homes or does a cauliflower remind you of like an old lady's hair?

Oh yeah.

Oh that's a good question.

No, I just remember going to an old people's home, the funny farm where my dad and granddad lived.

They called it the funny farm.

And it always smelled of cauliflower.

Yeah, because they were boiling cauliflower and pureeing it, I guess.

Easy to eat, easy to eat veg.

Yeah.

Into a jus.

Into a jus.

Liquids.

Another point for liquids.

Another point for liquids.

Shout out out to Burber and Q, where me and James went once that do a whole roast cauliflower.

Yes, that was good.

With pomegranate, actually, I think.

And like a tahini sauce.

Tahini, they love tahini on it.

It's delicious.

I've tried it a few times.

I've never nailed it in the way that some restaurants do a whole cauliflower, and it's so heavenly.

And

the bang bang cauliflower in Wagamama is really good.

Best dish at Wagamama, I'd say.

So you can get some.

I say, oh, there were the roast cauliflowing.

Quite sweet.

I would argue quite sweet.

The bang bang?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's got a sweetness to it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, I never said I don't like anything sweet.

I just don't want a donut rama burger.

Well, more full you.

I'm interested in your friend's potatoes

because there's always an argument over who does the best roast potatoes.

I think everyone has got their...

person that they back and i as i was saying before we started recording i was making roast potatoes last night because i cut my finger and that's one wearing a dinosaur plaster yes i rarely make roast potatoes but i made some for me and my fiancé last night and uh they they were nice.

I used goose fat.

Oh, yes.

Instead of oil.

And they were nice.

They weren't necessarily, I think they were very crispy, but your friend's method sounds better.

But we were eating the roast potatoes and I said, oh, these are nice.

But they're not as nice as my mum's.

And then there was a silence.

And then my fiancé went, oh, yeah.

I went, what's that supposed to mean?

And she was like, well, my mum's are the best.

And then we had a genuine moment of tension

where we had an argument over whose mum's roast potatoes were best

and we nearly came to blows over it wedding's off wedding's off unfortunately

it's such a shame when a roast potato isn't good isn't it yeah oh yes there's so much potential mine were good so much i think just so much oil like loads of oil yeah and rapeseed rather than olive oil do you think it's got a higher burning point yeah and also it imparts less taste

So you're just getting the pure potato flavour.

Yeah.

Really out of my depth on this conversation.

Loads of salt as well.

Yeah, you feel.

I mean, salt's the key ingredient to everything.

Salt is good, isn't it?

I'm not anti it.

Christmas special.

Done.

Now let's move on to the more pressing matters.

What's our custom special?

Oh, cranberry sauce.

A Christmas special done is who would do his potatoes?

Any meat?

Not brushes.

Pigs in blankets, pigs in blankets.

Yes.

Oh, they're cute, aren't they?

Pigs and blankets, definitely.

I wonder if the shrewmalim sausages with fake turkey bacon or whatever, not what do they call it?

Facon.

Facon.

Yeah.

Would make a bonker.

Would make a good.

I reckon it would.

I made, there's a Christmas recipe for a stuffed squash, which is stuffed with lentils and cranberries and pistachios.

And that was really nice as an alternative to a Christmas dinner.

So top tip there.

If you did have to pick a meat now, if you were having to cook Christmas dinner tomorrow, what meat are you going with?

Turkey.

Because I would want to please all the other people.

Yeah.

If you were cooking a Christmas dinner just for yourself, what meat are you having?

Probably chicken.

Yeah?

Yeah, probably chicken.

Oh, yeah?

I like a roast.

I mean, you get a nice chip.

That's a bit of a sponsor.

We've only got three of them.

Put the chicken through the

glaze.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know what?

That's what I'd like to watch as an ASMR video or something.

Just different things going through.

Absolutely obsessed.

Benito's quite rightly shaking his head.

Different things going through the glaze curtain.

Yeah.

James is fucking obsessed with ASMR, but now...

Maybe Walliams going through the glaze curtain.

Imagine Walliams just dressed in his swimming gear,

just in his trunks, goggles and swimming hat, face down, with his arms in front, like he's doing the butterfly,

just going through the glaze curtain.

Yeah.

Imagine that.

Yes, please.

That'd probably keep him warm while he was swimming the channel.

Yeah, then he could swim the channel, come in glaze.

Yeah, it would sort of make him more slippery.

Sort of lithe and slippery.

It would all just like

water for Duck's back.

Yeah.

Well, we'll have to get Wally's.

We'll have to get Walliums on.

Put it through the glaze curtain.

Put it through the glaze curtain.

We can make that video happen.

I bet we've got hookups now.

Yeah.

We can get Wally's put through the glaze curtain.

Yeah.

That YouTube channel would do really well because I watch a lot of channels like that.

Have you seen...

There's one with like a

what do they call it?

Like it's not a pulveriser.

Oh, Will It Blend?

No, but that sounds amazing.

That's like an old school one where it's the blend tech blender.

Yeah.

And they just put loads of stuff in there and it was a dude who went, will it blend?

And he'd put like a whole like iPhone in there and see if it would blend the iPhone.

I love stuff like that.

I can't think of anything that I wouldn't want to see go through that glaze curtain.

I can't.

I'm trying to think of stuff where it wouldn't be satisfying.

I think absolutely everything I can think of going through that glazed curtain would be great.

Walliams would slip through there lovely, wouldn't it?

Walliams would be so good.

There wouldn't be a portion of Walliams that wasn't covered with glaze.

Yeah, a liquid would be.

I think you'd have have to flip him over and send him out another time.

Do you think?

Yeah, no, you'd flip him over so to get the other bit.

Yeah, to get the other bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which bit are you putting in first?

So which bit has got the actual finished glaze?

I'll put...

It's got to be that.

I'll put him tummy down first.

Yeah.

And then I'd flip him over.

Yeah.

And get the best of it.

Yeah, definitely.

Would he be wearing goggles?

So at the end, he pops the goggles off and he has two perfect circles of

scaredly.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'd have him like Han Solo in yeah

trapped in the glaze i love you i know and then all the glaze all over him yeah that's a direct quote yeah lovely trunks on improvise handsome ford improvise that

trunks on huh trunks on yeah uh yeah trunks on yeah absolutely trunks on yes come on it's a family show yeah yeah you'd have to put trunks on so we can all watch it happen yeah make it happen yeah yeah let's do the director pit i mean i'm really changing my views on the business i feel like you're the sort of guy that can make this happen joe yeah surely i feel like that's the sort of thing you could do on like a BBC One Saturday night show and you could get away with it.

Putting things through a glaze curtain.

Yeah, I mean, I've never met one that's like a game.

The glaze, that's the game.

The glaze.

The glaze.

The glaze.

There's just different things on the game.

Saturdays at six on BBC One.

It'd be so good.

Yeah.

But

what is the format there?

Well, that's it.

It's like supermarket sweep.

So there's a whole

room of stuff all on shelves, and you're going around just grabbing all the stuff.

And then you just put it all through the glaze curtain.

And the one that's the most satisfying wins.

Yeah.

And then the audience

vote three things on what the best thing is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of all the things that you raided and that you looted, you choose three things, and then the audience says which one's the best.

And then at the end, the whole audience gets put through the gateway through the glacier.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They get put through it, and their names flash up on the screen each time they go through and where they're from.

What's the catchphrase?

Send it to the glaze?

Yeah.

Yeah, send it to

the curtain it goes.

Does it glaze?

Does it glaze?

It's a nice object, but does it glaze?

Yeah.

And the answer is always yes.

Yeah, yes.

Yeah.

Oh, I would love it.

Should we pitch this to BBC Wand?

Do you think that's the one?

BBC Wands.

BBC Walker for it, yeah.

Okay.

I think anywhere would be an idiot to turn this down.

Yeah, the glaze.

The glaze.

I'm right for doing it.

I'll cancel all other things to make sure that happens.

Oh, I know.

As long as Walliams is the first thing through the glaze.

Walliams is every episode.

Yeah.

Every episode, Williams gets glazed.

Walliams always comes out at the top like he's the host and then his feet get taken out from under him and he goes shooting through the glaze curtain and then you come on.

Great.

That's how it works.

Also, I guess just because of how swimmers are, I'm imagining that Williams has completely waxed his body.

He's shaved his pits, his legs, everything.

And maybe even just completely bicked his head.

And got rid of his eyebrows and he's completely hairless and he's going through the glaze.

Yeah.

He looks like...

He's removed all of his tits.

He looks like he's just come out of the Matrix.

yeah yeah he's like he's just come out the matrix and he goes through the glaze yeah

the glaze curtain oh but it's my favourite episode

side dish for your main meal now joe well you've got to have some fries haven't you got to have some fries with a burger okay but

i won't get them from original patty men

sas

I've forgotten that was called.

Saaslads.

I went to Antwerp recently

and I went to a place that claims to have the best fries in the world.

It's a place called Fries Atelia, I think is how you pronounce it.

And I had the fries there, and I don't think I've had better fries anywhere else.

And I've had a lot of fries in my life.

Very rarely when a place claims to have the best version of something,

will you actually come away with it?

I was like, yeah, yeah, whatever, lads.

And they were so good.

At first, I thought they'd maybe made a mash and then they'd sort of put the mash into kind of fry shapes and then fried it.

But then I realised that there was skin on.

So I don't know how they've done it, but it was outrageous, the fries there.

So it was really soft in the centre and

fluffy and crispy on the outside.

You can choose what comes with it, so you can put like a kind of goulashy thing on top, or they've got some sort of Japanese-y vibe as well.

I like the sound of the goulash on top.

Yeah, that's that's what I had and

just so good.

Is that what you want on your side dish as well?

Do you want to splash some goulash on there?

Why not?

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

They were so outrageously good.

You can't beat a good fry, can you?

No, no.

Especially like...

It is nice when there's a dish that you've had so many times and then you can still find the best one you've ever had.

Because that's a very...

There's loads of dishes we, you know, like Burratta, I love it, but I'd say I've probably only had it from like five different places in my life.

Yeah.

I buy it.

I have it at home now, Burrata.

Where do you get it?

I struggle to find a good Burrata in the High Street.

Well, Borough Market.

If I ever find myself in Borough Market, I normally buy one.

You've got to go somewhere like maybe like a Whole Foods or something.

Okay.

Although, to be fair, I bought from a supermarket before a little smoked Burrata, which comes in

like a little bucket.

A little bucket?

Well, it's like a little...

It's like a little pot but with a little handle.

I wonder if we can get a little bucket in as a catchphrase on the glaze.

Oh yeah.

And what will be the final bucket?

That's one of the things that we send in.

What's your final?

A little bucket.

A little bucket.

And the bucket would overflow with the glaze.

Remember we were saying,

now, but do you want the bucket to be facing up or down?

Tummy down or tummy up?

Tummy down, tummy up.

And I'm like,

bearing in mind, you will fill the bucket with glaze.

Yeah.

If it is tummy up.

Maybe

if you lose, you have to try and glaze Walliams only using a little bucket.

Yeah.

You don't get to use the glaze.

You don't get to use the glaze curtain.

You have to

by hand with a bucket, like he's a beached whale.

Just throwing the glaze on him.

Trying to keep him alive.

How little is it?

Oh, it's the one that the Burrata curtains.

Yeah, it's the Burata one, isn't it?

It's now where you'll glaze the full wallion.

No, that's going to take the full hour.

The twist is that Wally just needs glaze to survive.

It's on the floor,

living around, like a beached whale.

You're just trying to cover it in the glaze.

Before the end of the show.

Yep.

So you've got the fries.

Got the fries.

Covered in goulash.

Yeah.

Welcome.

And mayonnaise.

Oh, I love a mayo.

And they make their own mayo, this fruits to tell you, which was very nice as well.

But I have found the vegan mayonnaise is nicer than normal mayonnaise.

Huge shout out to the Follow Your Heart Sriracha Mayonnaise, which is vegan.

Absolutely delicious.

Where's that from?

I've bought it in the supermarket.

What is a sriracha?

It's a hot sauce.

Yeah.

Like a chili sauce.

Okay.

Lovely hot sauce.

Yeah.

So it's just like a really spicy, beautiful mayo.

Beautiful mayo.

And it's as good as any dairy-based mayo, I'd say.

Delicious.

Another step in the right direction.

Yes.

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Everyone's paper in it, a drink.

Yep.

Liquid?

Unless you're going to throw us a curveball here.

I would like.

You've already stuck a pudding into your main.

Yeah.

I have, yeah.

No, I'm not going to throw a curveball.

No.

I'm going to throw a glass of crisp Gavi to gave

into the mix.

Either that or a

So

this is wine?

Wine, yes.

A white wine.

Gavi is a place in Tuscany which I went to a couple of years ago to help a friend choose

the wines for his wedding.

And we went round to a load of vineyards and there wasn't one bad glass of wine in that place.

I couldn't find a bad one.

Very minerally.

I don't know what they're doing, but I piss through Gavi.

I'm a real glucker.

I'm a locker.

I am too.

I often like, I'll look down and you know, when you sit down, you're chairing a bottle of wine.

Yeah.

And I'll be at the bottom of my glass, and everyone else is still.

Yeah.

It's like, oh, we'll just sit while we have a conversation.

It's like, well, I can have a chat and smash a glass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's the point?

What is the point?

I really, once I get going, I don't stop.

And I had my kitchen done this year and I've got a wine fridge and it's full of Gavi and Pickpool and needs constant replenishment because I'm I'm I'm all out on this one I like wine but I can't drink it fast I find it it's too much it's too it's too much well

pussy boy yes well I guess I am yes can't glug your gabby I can't glug my gabby very well

I find it too rich wine to like really glug it yeah wine's quite rich isn't it it's quite using like a very deep red would be rich red would be rich yeah but even a white white wine's too I could glug a chianti as well as if I smash it down, mate.

Yeah.

But like, I don't think I could do that with wine.

I think I have a lot of stuff.

I've got a real thirst on.

Yeah.

I don't think it quenches thirst.

We've been drinking a lot of natural wine, though, James.

And we have a little hug of that.

Because that's very light.

It's often lighter.

It's less alcoholic or something.

I like a lovely old rubena.

Do you know about biodynamic wine?

No.

The way to make biodynamic wine is mad.

It involves moon cycles.

You also have to bury an ox's skull beneath where you grow the grapes.

There's all sorts of really weird stuff that comes

you don't have to well in order for it to be certified by a dynamic you really yeah you have to bury an ox's skull yeah literally also

it is mad whenever i hear anything now i just think when you say about burying an ox's skull i think what a waste of something you could put through the glaze curd

like

be so much more satisfying

glaze an ox's skull than have to bury it would be covered in glaze oh it'd be so great oh i didn't mention you have to pre-glaze the gut Sorry, that's it.

I'm on board of it.

Otherwise it's...

So that's for dessert wine.

Yeah, yeah, that's for it.

You have to glaze the earth.

Yeah, yeah.

All of the soil.

Yeah.

And it produces a very specific sort of beautiful red wine that is quite, well, it's natural as well, but it's, and there's normally quite a lot of sediment, but it drinks like Ribena.

And there's a wine grower called Jerome Gerais that does these amazing biodynamic wines.

Oh, so good.

Where did he get his ox skulls from?

I don't know.

It's a good question.

But I think it must be something to do with the minerals in the skull or something.

Okay.

I imagine a lot of it's nonsense, but then a few of the things that they do actually produce.

Sure.

And they say that the smell of a biodynamic wine, and often a natural wine, is off the farm, which basically means it smells a bit shit.

Like it smells pooey, and that's because it's earthy and it hasn't had sulphites and all of that.

I love it.

I'm getting a bit obsessed with all of that sort of

wine.

I do think it smells like poo.

Shout out to Gnarly Vines, my favourite wine shop.

Where's that?

Walthamstow.

I really recommend, it's my favourite restaurant in the world, and they have a brilliant

wine-selling thing.

What do you call it?

A merchant?

Called 40 Maltby Street.

It's in Bermondsey.

I've heard of 40 Maltby Street.

It's a really lovely restaurant.

Really incredible food.

And basically...

If I wasn't doing the choices from here, I'd just go with whatever they had on the menu because that's my favourite.

It could have been a very quick podcast.

Yeah.

Sorry if this has been too long because I could have made this.

Normally, people just say one

and then leave again.

Yeah.

I've just got to this place.

We reached the Course of Kings,

the dessert course.

Now,

I'm kind of hesitant about this because I think because you've put a dessert in your main, it makes it less likely we're going to get a

dessert here, like a proper sweet dessert.

Good point.

You're absolutely right.

Oh, fuck me.

Oh.

And I'm.

Is this a Berman thing?

You and Philip just getting together?

No.

No.

No.

Philip said a cheese course?

No, it won't be a cheese course.

Okay, good.

At least it's not a cheese course.

And

I'm toying between three things.

There's genuine struggle going on here, isn't there?

James has just opened the mango smoothie that he's threateningly been holding for the whole record.

Yeah, it's not a smoothie, it's a kefir, actually.

It is, but now.

Well, it's a kefir smoothie, I think you're fine.

Well, it's quite sweet.

Because I take it back because Joe just threatened that this won't be sweet.

I've put some sweetness in my mouth so that I can at least escape to that.

I don't know it will be angrily glaze yourself.

It will be a bit sweet.

I've decided.

It's a bowl of special K with oakly barista milk.

What the?

What in God's name?

Special K.

Oakley.

Oakley barista milk.

A bowl of cereal.

No sugar.

What

the fuck is the matter with you?

How can you have a Krispy Kreme burger and then your dessert is just a bowl of cereal?

I fucking love cereal, James.

I've got nothing against cereal whatsoever, but the fact that it's your dream dessert is a bowl of special...

Also,

no sugar.

No sugar also

even if it was just a cereal round special k I'd be kicking off as your favourite cereal is a bowl of special kids

is it even the berries special k no it's just plain special k and the other two choices were weetabix or brown flakes

you got the brand flakes good god

good god i was really i was really humming in our because currently i'm doing my bran flakes are my cereal of choice just because um i'm trying to be a bit healthier yeah sure but i've actually fallen deeply in love with brown flakes.

So, brown flakes will be a good thing.

So, you want to want that as a dessert, would you?

Get rid of the thing that you're deeply in love with and choose the special K.

Well, no, special K feels like a treat.

Right, well, that's what it is.

Because it is a treat, and it pairs very well with a Gavi.

It does pair well with a Gavi.

How is that a treat?

It's so nice.

I love cereal.

You've just had a burger donut.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the point.

And now a little treat, some special K for myself.

Yeah, it's indulgence.

It's rehydrating because it's all of the lovely milk.

And that's a key part of it as well.

It's the Oatly Barista Edition milk, which is posh.

That's a posh milk.

It's hard to find.

Sounds delicious.

Fine.

Fine, you've got some posh milk

on your appalling cereal choice.

Why is special K appalling?

Look,

I've gone through special K phases before, but not because I like it, just because I'm trying to be a good boy.

I should clarify: by special K I do mean ketamine.

Apologies, yes, absolutely.

Fine.

But the milk is now an odd choice, but like, fair enough.

What does that go better with an almond milk?

Yeah, he has really strange.

I honestly think that people are deliberately trolling James now and I'm here for it.

I love it.

No, it's not.

I'm being...

started emailing people before they come on going for a laugh don't choose to put him no and if you can even tease early on if it I mean the fact that you've come on here said you used to eat melted bowls of chocolate yeah then put a bur put a burger inside a donut so absolutely just had me go in the whole way like here we go, we're heading to sugar town.

And then you're like, yeah, and a bowl of crappy cereal.

Unless you suddenly twist us and you put that whole bowl through the glaze curtain.

Yeah, that's the only thing that can save this.

Belly up, please.

Belly up, so it all fills.

And all the milk, all that posh milk just oozes out and gets replaced with glaze.

And then you get it.

Each individual's crisp of K

is covered in glaze.

All covered in glaze.

You've come a long way from the little little Joe Lyset who used to eat bowls of metal chocolate to a little Joe Lyset eating special K in a bowl.

Yeah, I have.

It's been quite the journey.

Yeah, sure, it's a nice narrative arc to the show.

Yeah.

But what a sad ending.

I love it.

No,

it's like...

I don't like it.

What were you hoping from me?

A sweet dessert?

Oh, yes, an actual pudding.

Weirdly.

Weirdly, Joe, I wasn't expecting a boring breakfast from you for your dessert.

Well, it's exactly what I would want after.

You would would want a bowl of special cake with some posh milk i always want a bowl of cereal after i've had my mains that's like do you eat cereal before bed yeah yeah yeah fair enough i'll do that breakfast at night classic bermanum that very rarely happens breakfast at night yeah everything at night yeah again with just food she had she had breakfast for dinner yeah and now you've you've done this yeah you put breakfast in a different place as well this is what birminham's like we're learning yeah um do you have because we ever have discussed cereal on the podcast before do you have a special bowl that is your favourite cereal bowl that's like massive?

Yeah, well, yeah, sort of.

I used to when I was living with mum and dad, but now I've got this sort of weird mix of bowls where none of them are quite right and I either don't have enough or I have far too much because I can't measure it.

Sometimes I get through about three quarters of the bowl of brown flex and think I've had too many bran flex.

Yeah.

That's a bad feeling when you realise you you've you've overdone it.

Yeah, and you've got a toilet time's gonna be tricky.

Toilet time is gonna be quite the fireworks display when you've had

too many brand flavors.

Producing your own glaze curtain out your butt.

Didn't need to say out your butt there, but

didn't need to say out your butt.

Slightly superfluous.

Still not.

Why did you produce that glaze curtain?

At my butt.

Out my butt.

Right, let's hear the order, please, James, with that wonderful pudding addition.

Oh, no.

Water.

Still water.

Bread from Purnell's in Birmingham.

Yep.

Cloud.

Culprit.

Starter.

Samosa chart.

From

Zindia.

Zed I-M-D-I-Y-A.

Birmingham with the soya tikka on the side.

Main.

Burger with cheese and a krispy cream.

From the original Patty Men.

Birmingham.

Christmas dinner.

Not turkey.

David's roast potatoes.

Pigs in blankets.

And some cranberry sauce.

And also turkey.

And then chicken.

Yeah, and then turkey.

Or chicken.

Chicken through the glaze.

We went for a lot of...

Yeah, it was all...

I think we've established that was all getting going through the glaze curve.

Side dish.

Fruits, Atilia, fries from Antwerp with goulash and mayo.

Drink, Gavi Gabby.

White white.

Very cold.

From Gabi Gabby.

Very cold.

Gavi de Gavi.

Gavi de Gavi.

Sorry.

I think that just means Gavi from Gavi.

Gavi from Gavi.

Oh, that's nice.

And does, I still can't, even reading it, I can't believe it.

It's like a book that I've read and I already know the the twist.

And then I read it again and go, somehow still catches me off guard.

Yeah.

Special K with Oatly Barista milk.

I think that's a really nice, fresh way to end the meal.

No, you don't think that.

I do.

There's no way you think that.

It's a really, really nice.

Refreshing cold, cold refreshing.

Yeah, absolutely not.

Yeah.

Just lifts the meal.

If you don't want a rich dessert after you've had all those emotions, I think I would have accepted just the bowl of milk more than with the special cake.

A bowl of milk?

Like a cat?

Yeah, like a little cat.

A little bucket of milk?

Yes.

I would rather fill a cereal bowl with some old barista milk, put it on the floor, and let you lap it up like a little cat

than give you a bowl of special cay at the end of that meal.

Is it upsetting to you that of all of the things that you just said, the one that made me now want to go and eat is the special cake?

Like, that's exactly what I want to eat.

Yes, that's far more upsetting.

It's very upsetting that that has been the thing that I've ever seen.

I'll take that over the restaurant out of all that.

Just a bowl of special cake.

Personally, I would go for the samosa or the fries immediately now.

I think I'd eat the cereal, you know.

Right.

Well, you two deserve one in Evan.

You'd both go to eat the special K cereal, the oatly ba vista milk.

Benito, what do you want out of all that?

The cereal.

Well,

well,

look, look.

Do you know what?

I can't believe all three of you are going for the special K out of all of that.

And also, I'd probably have the special K in a public place around the general public.

Just so I can.

That's the only bit

I'm fine with.

Alright.

I'm fine with you.

If you want to go and eat that in front of people, fair enough.

And

see what looks you get.

Also,

I would let the special K sit in the milk for a little while as well, just so it gets

soggy.

Get all the flavour of the milk in there.

Yeah, lovely.

Oh, that flavour.

Flavour town, a bowl of special K.

Delicious.

Really good.

Or when you fortified with vitamins and iron.

What?

That's not a pudding?

When you mush down on it, all the milk squirts out of the flakes.

Yes.

No way.

I don't want my desserts to be fortified with vitamins and iron.

I want my desserts to be fortified with sugar in good times.

And that's why you'll never be a big strong boy.

Yeah.

Look at you.

I'll be a happy boy.

Weak little prick.

That could not be

the last thing said on the episode, Benito.

Thank you very much for listening.

No, it can't be weak little prick.

Thank you.

Joe Lysett there.

Mmm, such a roller coaster.

A lot of sugary treats for me along the way, but what an absolute disaster at the end.

I love it, mate.

I tell you what, you've really taken an absolute beating this series over there.

Series two,

it's like everyone's just like ganged up against me.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe.

I love it.

Someone pointed out to me that I let Sophie Duca get away with having a whiskey for dessert, and I'm actually quite annoyed that I let her get away with that.

No, it's all, but that's all proportional, isn't it?

Because you let her get away with having a whiskey because we've had people like Daisy Cooper

who have had a Pizza Hut salad.

Okay, moving on.

Moving on.

If that's what we're working with, a bowl of special K is better than a Pizza Hut salad, right?

Sure, it's better than a Pizza Hut salad, but still,

I can't believe it.

I thought I knew Joe Lysett.

Starting off with a bowl of melted chocolate and making me think, here we go, Flavor Town.

Yeah, just, I can't believe you're still being reeled in by people.

Yeah.

You're still being in.

Absolutely reeled me in.

I felt hook line and sinker.

But at least you didn't say red currants, eh?

Yeah.

We would have kicked him out.

The Lord.

And I think some special K's you get with berries, and there might be red currants in there.

Oh, I would have loved that actually.

Imagine it if he had said special K of berries.

Oh, what kind of berries are in there?

Red currants?

Fuck off.

And chuck him out right at the end.

Bad luck, mate.

Well, Merry Christmas to you all out there.

That was a special Christmas episode.

Me and James are people in the world.

That's our plug.

Sure.

We're going around doing stuff all the time.

James got a book which I highly recommend.

It's called Perfect Sound Whatever.

It's available to buy.

The perfect Christmas gift.

Oh, that's so kind, Ed.

Also, Ed Gamble has a special called Blood Sugar, which is on Amazon.

It's on Amazon, yeah.

You can't really get that as a Christmas gift.

You should.

It's not physical.

Buy someone a subscription?

Buy someone a subscription to Prime Video, and then you can watch Ed Gamble Blood Sugar as well as an an array of other content.

Yeah.

Also,

the great Benito runs our Twitter account off Menu Official and you can tweet him and say Merry Christmas to him because he's done a real great job this year.

He has.

Merry Christmas to Benito.

I'm sure he'd like a Merry Christmas.

He would.

He's done a lovely job.

Maybe a picture of you doing a thumbs up, smiling, saying Merry Christmas, Benito.

Also, what we would really like to see this time is you probably don't have access to a glaze curtain yourself, but if you can do a makeshift one yourself and just try and film yourself going through your homemade glaze curtains, we would love to see those videos for Christmas.

Or just to mock up, maybe build a small working glaze curtain and put a sort of scale model of David Williams through it.

Yes, like a little model of David Williams, feed him through it on a conveyor belt.

Yes, thank you very much, and Merry Christmas to you all.

Merry Christmas.

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