Ep 37: Tom Allen

1h 1m

The always dapper Tom Allen – incredible comedian and host of 'Bake Off: The Professionals' and 'The Apprentice: You're Fired' – is this week's dinner guest. And boy oh boy does he have some shocking tales to tell.


Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.

Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).


Follow Tom Allen on Twitter @tomallencomedy and Instagram @tomindeed.

Watch Tom on 'The Apprentice: You're Fired', Wednesdays, 10pm, BBC Two.


Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.

And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.


Ed Gamble is on tour, including a date at the Shepherd's Bush Empire. See his website for full details.

James Acaster is on tour. See his website for full details.

Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Press play and read along

Runtime: 1h 1m

Transcript

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Speaker 1 from the 20th of January, starting in Toronto, and then finishing once again in Canada, in Vancouver, on the 15th of February. And in between, I'm going all over the place.

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Speaker 1 San Francisco.

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Speaker 1 On the menu? I don't think so. It's off-menu.
Oh, very nice, Ed. Yeah.
Ed Gamble there. My name is James Acaster.
This is the off-menu podcast. It's very exciting.

Speaker 1 This is where we have a very special guest on, and we get them to say their dream meal to us. Their favourite ever.
Starter, main course, dessert, side, and drink.

Speaker 1 Yes, but not necessarily in that order. Imagine the order you might have it in a meal, say that's the order that we do it.
We leave the drink pretty late.

Speaker 1 We do leave the drink really late, don't we?

Speaker 1 Pretty thirsty. This week's guest is the wonderful Tom Allen.
Oh, the wonderful Tom Allen. What a guy.

Speaker 1 Tom Allen, stand-up comedian, but you may know him as a presenter, funny presenter on things like the Bake Off Extra Slice or Bake Office. The professionals.
Yeah, very excited.

Speaker 1 And he's like one of the main ones on that. I guess I'd just be if I had his job, I'd just be hanging around for food.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't, I'd forget all my lines, I'd just be so busy looking at all the pastries, wanting to eat all the food. They wouldn't give you any lines, man.

Speaker 1 They'd just let you off, yeah, improvise and eat the food, let him do what he wants to do. Yeah, there's no point trying to give him lines, he'll try and eat the script.

Speaker 1 That is true, but hey, here's a line for you: there is a secret ingredient, and if Tom Allen chooses it, he's getting kicked out of the restaurant. And this week it is liver, right?

Speaker 1 I know you want to make it liver, and that's fine, We can make it liver. We don't have to hate it.
We don't have to agree that we both hate things. I love liver.
Oh, he's a liver lover.

Speaker 1 I'm a liver lover.

Speaker 1 He's a liver lover. I'm a liver hater.

Speaker 1 But we're friends.

Speaker 1 That's a good sitcom. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm a liver lover as I live and breathe. I love it.
Oh, man. I do not love it at all.
Lamb's liver. Chicken livers.
No. Get in my mouth.

Speaker 1 Chicken livers. Absolutely.
Chicken liver in a bolognese sauce, you've never tasted such depth of flavour. Okay, well, maybe if you did a chicken, I've never had that before.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe chicken liver in a bolognese sauce will just make it more thick. Yeah, it thickens it up.
It gives it depth of flavour. It gives it a more iron-y taste.
Yeah, well, I'll be open to that.

Speaker 1 But I'm thinking about the liver that I've had in my life, and it's all been disgusting. I don't like the texture of it.
You're thinking of overcooked lamb's liver. cooked till it's grey.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 1 If Tom... Should we specify that? If Tom picks lamb's liver cooked till it's grey, he's out of the restaurant.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I, Joe, I'm not going to know if Saul Butts or maybe he is out of this restaurant if he cooks overcooked lamb's liver till it's grey.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, I suspect that he won't, but let's hear if he goes for any liver. But apart from that, I'm very excited to hear the menu of Tom Allen.

Speaker 1 Tom, welcome to the Dream Restaurant. Tom Allen.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 how kind. Welcome.
I'm a...

Speaker 1 It's me for peering out of my lamp, Tom. Oh, I assume that was some sort of firework pyrotechnic thing you'd put on for me.

Speaker 1 It was for you as well. Yeah.
As I walked into the camera. Yeah, it was for you.
It was for you. But like, also, I'm a genie.
In a bottle?

Speaker 1 Oh, in a lamp, actually. Oh.

Speaker 1 Quite a traditional genie.

Speaker 1 Now you said genie in a bottle, you think that's probably more

Speaker 1 food and drink, isn't it? Oh, well, I didn't think of it like that. But also, a lamp can be can be delicious

Speaker 1 for lighting your food. Oh, yeah, you can just pour some oil on your food and light it.
Yes, and also on salads. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 You think of a different sorts of oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Different sorts of oil. The genie law has changed quite a lot.

Speaker 1 I mean, you could be in a bottle today because previously you have been in a gravy boat as well, if you remember. Yep.
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Of course, I remember. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So you've always been jumping out of receptacles.
Yeah, yeah, always just jumped out of a receptacle. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You name it. I've jumped out of it.

Speaker 1 What are your thoughts on the word restaurant? Would you say restaurant or I've taken to saying restaurant, which I think is...

Speaker 1 You do say restaurant in quite a fancy way, James. Restaurant.
Restaurant. Restaurant.
Restaurant.

Speaker 1 Maybe I do.

Speaker 1 Actually, I've never thought about how I say it, but then someone did a tweet the other day about how I say it.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I'm overthinking it now. Especially if someone said instead of menu, meaner.

Speaker 1 can I see the mina, please?

Speaker 1 You'd still understand what they meant, though, if you, within context,

Speaker 1 if someone said, can I see the miner, please? You'd be like, if you said that, Ed,

Speaker 1 I would be very much appalled. You'd pick me up on it, wouldn't you? Of course.

Speaker 1 The miner? That would be the main reason I'd taken you out to dinner.

Speaker 1 Right, we just, what are we going to do about it? Ed says mina instead of menu, right? Someone's going to have to take him out to deliver it and bring it up in context.

Speaker 1 Listen, we've been meaning stronger about this.

Speaker 1 They take them somewhere where you know the waiting staff are quite rude. Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 they're not gonna put up with it. What? I had an experience where I went to Coke Brasery, which is actually one of my favourite of the high street chains.

Speaker 1 And I was going there on a date, and we hadn't booked, and I went in there with this guy, and the head waiter said, Sorry, lads, we haven't got any room.

Speaker 1 And I still now, to this day, am furious about the fact that he referred to me as one half of lads.

Speaker 1 I think I may have actually at the time said, I'm not a lad.

Speaker 1 But thank you very much. This is Coach Brazier.

Speaker 1 If I come to Coat Brazier for one thing,

Speaker 1 put a French accent on for crying.

Speaker 1 Lads do not go to Coat Brazil. Lads are going to Coach Brazil.

Speaker 1 I was so insulted by it. I mean,

Speaker 1 I hadn't thought about it for a long time. And suddenly...
I'm appalled. I'm appalled again.
It was maybe four years ago. I mean, and you do like,

Speaker 1 I know that you're partial to chains. I know you're the biggest colour luchos fan that I know.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I love it up the looch.

Speaker 1 And to me,

Speaker 1 the hallmark of a successful urban regeneration programme is the opening of a luch

Speaker 1 in some sort of pedestrianised town square. Yes.
Even if it is one fabricated internally out of a shopping centre.

Speaker 1 So you love a luch, you love a coat? Yeah, love it. Any other, what's what? fur?

Speaker 1 Fur fur. Oh, f.
Love fur. Fur.

Speaker 1 And well,

Speaker 1 of course you pronounced it correctly. Of course, of course.
I did my research before I went there.

Speaker 1 I think that's one of

Speaker 1 my main annoying ticks that when people say faux and I say and I say it's pronounced fur. And then they look at me like they're annoyed they came out for a meal with me.

Speaker 1 No, especially when you then say, can I see the meaner? It's pronounced fur. And it's the best thing on this Mina.

Speaker 1 I never like directly correct people, but I'm one of the annoying people who like they go, oh, I love faux. Oh, yeah, there's a really good fur place down at the

Speaker 1 person.

Speaker 1 So passive aggressive. Much worse.
And they're like, we both know what's happened here.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I'm in tune with a lot of your listeners when I say this, but I'm delighted at the expansion of the Ivy Browseries, which is their national network at the moment.

Speaker 1 I'm really enjoying that.

Speaker 1 Have they maintained quality across the branches? I would say I've had very good experiences.

Speaker 1 I've largely sat at the bar, which has allowed me to develop a rapport, which I say in the same way I'd say restaurant, not pronouncing the T at the end.

Speaker 1 And with the staff, sometimes they're quite new, so I can actually train them.

Speaker 1 Because you know the house style. Because I know the house style.
I know where

Speaker 1 I know

Speaker 1 where the branded plate should sit

Speaker 1 the setting.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I feel like that's...

Speaker 1 How many branches of the ivory brasary chain have you been to? Firstly, you just said ivory brasary. The ivory brother.

Speaker 1 Oh, you did. You were aware of it.
I'm so sorry. I didn't pick up on your chain.

Speaker 1 I would say upwards of five places now. Excellent.
Yeah. There you go.
How important is good service to you? I would say on a scale of one to ten, it's eleven.

Speaker 1 I hate it when people do that.

Speaker 1 Would you like still a sparkling water to start?

Speaker 1 I would actually have sparkling, please, because I fancy myself as a continental European.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Have you always fancied yourself as a continental European? Ever since I can remember.

Speaker 1 I always liked the idea of some sort of town square living. I've always wanted to see a balcony.

Speaker 1 People don't know that about me, but I've always wanted that. Maybe some sort of hardwood floor.
What do you imagine, when you imagine the balcony, what do you imagine doing?

Speaker 1 Like, how does it factor into your day?

Speaker 1 First thing in the morning, I open it and then look out across the square

Speaker 20 as the

Speaker 20 cold breeze blows.

Speaker 1 Do you shout like good morning?

Speaker 1 Yes, Alan. And

Speaker 1 some pigeons fly away. Oh, yes, maybe in a dramatic way.
Yeah. If it's shutters as well, flinging open shutters.
Are you wearing a sort of long nightgown situation?

Speaker 1 Yes, but in a sort of loose European way. Yeah,

Speaker 1 not in an uptight British way. Not Scrooge.
Not Scrooge.

Speaker 1 On Christmas Day, would you look at the balcony and ask a young boy what day it is?

Speaker 1 I think that's frowned upon these days.

Speaker 1 So sparkling water?

Speaker 1 I've gone for sparkling water, but you know what? Actually, I don't really like it, but I have it. I like a lot of things.
Okay. Yeah.
It's important to show.

Speaker 1 So it's all for show. You want people to think Tom's got bubbly money.
I obviously want people to think that

Speaker 1 at all times. And I think going to a restaurant is all about pageantry, isn't it? The moment you walk into the restaurant, you want people to be watching you.
Everyone's looking at you.

Speaker 1 Everyone's looking at you. They're waiting for your water order.
They're gonna judge me on the water order. So you wouldn't have sparkling at home? No.

Speaker 1 What sort of spendthrift skylark do you think I am? I can imagine you walking into a restaurant with

Speaker 1 your jacket over your shoulders. Yes.
Not with your arms through, but just like that. And almost like surveying the restaurant and just like pushing your jacket off of your shoulders onto the floor.

Speaker 1 Expecting someone to be there. To catch it.
To catch it. Just decide.
Just looking at it like that,

Speaker 1 as the camera just zooms in on you. Oh, it's a camera?

Speaker 1 Yeah, or come back. Do you go to restaurants with a camera? No.
Imagine Tom in a film. It's a film as well.
Oh, no, no, sorry. This is a film.

Speaker 1 But it's with a very

Speaker 1 method actor who insists that I, a method director who insists that I live. Yeah.
Live the whole experience. You're filming your whole life.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You don't cast anyone who's not, that's not their life anyway. Yeah, the option is: is this your life? Great.

Speaker 1 Pop numbs on bed, Tom. Pop numbs on bed.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm gonna mention him again and I'm sorry to keep going back to it. Jamie Oliver once said on one of his store one of his stories, one of his programs, that popadoms are

Speaker 1 Auxlan, Austin. I see it all as a wonderful narrative.

Speaker 1 Popadoms.

Speaker 1 I completely not noticed it until I had.

Speaker 1 His marvellous story, the story of

Speaker 1 the story of how to live like Jamie Oliver.

Speaker 1 He

Speaker 1 said that often popped ons are used to add texture to food. They're not some sort of crisps and dips thing that...
This is what he said. I don't know if this is true or not.
But I went with it.

Speaker 1 I think I have heard it from other sources.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I like both, but I think I'll go for bread on this occasion, preferably sourdough.

Speaker 1 But if it comes in a basket and it's presented to me by somebody asking, have you been in a harvester restaurant before? Then I will also enjoy that too. But I'll go for poppy seeds.

Speaker 1 Harvester, did you say? Harvester restaurant. Are you a harvester fan? I love the harvester.
Really?

Speaker 1 Well, to be honest, I haven't been for probably 20 years, but the memory is so vivid. Nostalgia.
Yeah. The first time I had a flame-grilled rack of ribs,

Speaker 1 I thought I was truly alive. Tom, guess how many steps from my front door to a harvester?

Speaker 1 It's a difficult one to guess, isn't it?

Speaker 1 12.

Speaker 1 Oh no, you're gone pretty low, actually.

Speaker 1 I think you knew that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What? what I'll get there in like a minute a minute yeah so five miles an hour walking speed it's pretty it's pretty close

Speaker 1 but I've never been in it I didn't even know they were harvesters anymore oh yes let alone near you yeah right near me you came on the other day yeah but I didn't go to the harvester you think I popped in for a prawn cocktail before I came over they don't do things like that do they harvester do they do a prawn cocktail you told me well I always remember it you had the salad bar as a starter yeah And then you had a main course of mainly barbecued meat and chips.

Speaker 1 Salad bar is what I think of. When I think about harvester, I think of the salad bar.
Yep. Coutons.

Speaker 1 And that's about it. I don't mean about what else is.
There's a harvester in Ketchron. I know that much.
And I have been there. But I can't remember what I've had to wait.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know the harvester you're talking about, by the way. Do you? I think so, yeah, I get past it quite often.
Have you been in there? No.

Speaker 1 I think it's where my dad might have proposed to my mum. It wasn't a harvester at the time.
The harvester in Kettering? No, the one near your house. Oh, okay, okay, fine.

Speaker 1 That was really exciting for a second there. Yeah.
There's no, yeah, no, there's no connection to Kettering. Your dad proposed to your mum in a harvester? No, it was before it became a harvester.

Speaker 1 On the former site where a harvester now stands. Yeah.
What was it before it was a harvester?

Speaker 1 I assume it was a pub independently owned, as things were in those calcium days. Yeah.
So you want harvester bread?

Speaker 1 No, I just said if it was there, you didn't specify what sort of restaurant you were.

Speaker 1 This is a dream restaurant. You can pick whatever you want from wherever in the world you want.
The best bread you've ever had in your life. You've had in your whole life.

Speaker 1 Okay, I did read the text message.

Speaker 1 Another bit of skim reading has really not paid off for me today.

Speaker 1 The listener and I was half an hour. 36 minutes late.

Speaker 1 Because I did not read the text. Even though I responded to the text that clearly said two, I thought in my mind I was convinced it was.
Oh, you responded with, great, see you at two.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you know why I responded as I woke up? I do that because I had a late finish last night, so I slept in. Because I have to get nine hours and I have to shower for half an hour.

Speaker 1 You have to have nine hours' sleep. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you have to shower for half an hour. I don't have to have that long, but as long as possible.
I can't be rushed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can be rushed. I'd like to be in the shower for a long time.

Speaker 1 Have a good old thing. Have a good old think, yeah.
Have a good old think. So, Dream Restaurant, I walk in.
Do you know what I like? Crispy sourdough bread.

Speaker 21 Crispy sourdough bread.

Speaker 1 And a small dish of butter, which has now got some salt in the top. Yes.
Or I also enjoy the formality of sometimes, again, you mainly find this on continental Europe, a small silver dome over a dish.

Speaker 1 That's not the presentational flare.

Speaker 1 A little bit of presentational flair.

Speaker 1 Would you like the waiter to take off the dome to present the butter? Yes, and to make eye contact with the other waiters as he removes the other domes of butter.

Speaker 1 They all look at each other as

Speaker 1 they lift off the separate domes on different tables. Yes, exactly.
It's very dramatic. And then they do some sort of spin

Speaker 1 and then they prop themselves up on a trolley that that happens to be passing, and they do a sort of high kick with both legs. Love it.
That's all going to happen for you, Tom.

Speaker 1 And they walk into the kitchen through the indoor and then out through the outdoor. There's a lot of swinging of doors.
Maybe an angry chef comes out at one point. What's going on in my kitchen?

Speaker 1 Very

Speaker 1 minimal experience for the diners. They're just enjoying it all.
Was there somewhere where you had the best sourdough bread you've ever had? I think it was in the Dean Street Townhouse.

Speaker 1 So they've got amazing sourdough bread at the Dean Street Townhouse. Yeah, they do.
To the extent that you might be tempted to go, oh, have you got any more? But you're a fool if you do that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because you're

Speaker 1 filling up on bread.

Speaker 1 Let's move on to your starter, Tom. Okay.
We really get into the big leagues now. I wonder what's going on.
I mean, we've already mentioned a lot of chains. Yeah.
A lot of places that you like.

Speaker 1 Harvester. Carlo.
The Looch. The Looch.
The Looch, thank you.

Speaker 1 Where's this one coming from? Okay.

Speaker 1 So.

Speaker 1 I'm 17 years old.

Speaker 1 I've taken the day off school because I've told the school I'm going to go and look at university in Exeter.

Speaker 1 What I'm actually doing is I'm truanting with my next-door neighbours, Gene and Dennis, and my mum and dad. Hollow? Gene and Dennis? Yes.
How old are they?

Speaker 1 About 90 at the moment. 90?

Speaker 1 When you were 10 years ago,

Speaker 1 Dennis is 90. Gene has been younger.
When you were 17 years old,

Speaker 1 you were truanting.

Speaker 1 How old were they at the time?

Speaker 1 Early 70s? You were truanting with a couple in their elderly 70s. 60s, 70s, yeah.

Speaker 1 Gene and Dennis. Gene and Dennis from Woodstock.
Yeah, Tom.

Speaker 1 What I don't see in Venice. I think

Speaker 1 you've got to know what details in the stories need expanded on.

Speaker 1 Aren't as normal as you think. I was truanting with my neighbours, Gene and Dennis.
I don't think that's truanting.

Speaker 1 What is it? Well, going away with some responsible adults.

Speaker 1 Okay, fine. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I guess if you were... I mean, were they like, you know, John and Bunkoff? That's Bunkoff school.

Speaker 1 They came around the school gate.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 it was arranged with my mum and dad, who were coming as well. So they were there as well? Yeah, they were also part of the school.
So

Speaker 1 why did you lie to the school? Because I was embarrassed to say, please can I have a day off so I can go out to lunch.

Speaker 1 So I said,

Speaker 1 I'm going to go to Exeter University to have a look round on the open day. Knowing full well I had no intention of going all that way to university.

Speaker 1 I didn't even want to go to university by that point. But I was prepared to use it.

Speaker 1 I never went to university.

Speaker 1 So the full gang? There's five of us. Yep, Jean Dennis, mum, dad, me.

Speaker 1 The Truance. The Truance.

Speaker 1 The Truance. Absconding.
Not only from the school, but from the country. Yeah.
From the country? Because we were going to France.

Speaker 1 We got up very early.

Speaker 1 We got in the car.

Speaker 1 I think my dad may have borrowed a car at this point from his friends.

Speaker 1 So it was slightly bigger. We went down, we got the early ferry.
Yeah. On which we had a croissant, which to me at this point was extremely, one might say, impossibly glamorous.

Speaker 1 Then we arrived in Calais, right?

Speaker 1 We then went to a

Speaker 1 supermarche.

Speaker 1 What a truant day.

Speaker 1 Truanting. For the most time, most people do truant.
They're like, you know, they go down like a car park and throw rocks at cars and stuff.

Speaker 1 Hang around and smoking with their mates.

Speaker 1 You guys want to go to France with Gene and Jennis. You You learned the word super marche.
You did more schoolwork on your truant day than you would have done on your school.

Speaker 1 I wasn't even doing A-level French. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Very, very dedicated.

Speaker 1 We went to the Supermarche. We stocked up on French produce,

Speaker 1 wines,

Speaker 1 and then we went for lunch at a restaurant, which I, restaurant, which I believe still stands, called La Chanel,

Speaker 1 the Channel,

Speaker 1 right on the harbour side, en France,

Speaker 1 en Calais, a Calais, Dons la Calais.

Speaker 1 Oui were Trouantin. Oui Trouant.
Trouant, the restaurant.

Speaker 1 Jeanne and Denis.

Speaker 1 Do you know what? Dennis has only got one in. So he is Denis.
He is Denis. He is Denis.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we went in there, right?

Speaker 1 Dennis speaks a bit of French because he went motorbiking around France after the end of the Second World War. Of course, he was.

Speaker 1 A little victory up. I'm picturing that.

Speaker 1 On a motorbike.

Speaker 1 And so he speaks a bit of French. And we went in there and it was a classically formal French restaurant.

Speaker 1 Have you ever been to one like that, James? I think you have because I think your parents went to France. A really formal one.
I don't think I have been to a really formal French restaurant.

Speaker 1 Ed Gamble, have you been?

Speaker 1 I feel like I have been.

Speaker 1 They're sort of like high-back chairs,

Speaker 1 very crisp white linen, a great formality of the service, which is an easy elegance about it. Yeah.
Sit down in the window.

Speaker 1 I didn't know what to make of it. I was like, I've never been in a restaurant like this before.

Speaker 1 An upholstered chair like it, I'd never been.

Speaker 1 And then your teacher stormed in, Tom Allen!

Speaker 1 Get back into class! I can't believe this! I'm about to get a ferry here!

Speaker 1 We followed you! Hide your honey with yourself!

Speaker 1 And I was dragged back. No.
Dennis ordered a

Speaker 1 givestre miné,

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 it's an Alsace wine, and it's French, not gives ramina, because Alsace, of course, very contentious area, if you know World War.

Speaker 2 Which Dennis did, of course.

Speaker 1 Which Dennis did.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 Guvestremine,

Speaker 1 delicious wine. And I was ordered the Fuis de Mer.

Speaker 1 Have you ever had the Fouis de Mer? Fruits of the Sea of Williams. Fruits of the Sea.
If you will. Seafood.
Seafood. If you want to be unbearably plebeian.

Speaker 1 I'm just for our listener who might not have had Fruit de Mer before.

Speaker 1 Fruit de Mer.

Speaker 1 Tom had fruit de mer at Jean and Denis when he was renting from école.

Speaker 1 I feel like you did A-level French, Ed.

Speaker 1 No, I didn't. I did French to Whitley

Speaker 1 E-level, which is like one in between GCSE and A-level. So what we

Speaker 1 had to do at our school was do GCSE French a year early, and then we got a chance to do like a diploma-level French past GCSE or take Russian. Ed.
And I took E-level French.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? What? E-level? E-level. That's right.
I think it was E-level. Yeah, yeah.
I've got my E-levels. I did, yeah, GCSE French.

Speaker 1 And then the year after that, when everyone else in our age group was taking GCSE French, we took an extra level of French. Hmm.
You guys seem quite angry about this. I don't know how I feel about it.

Speaker 1 I don't know how I feel. Okay, okay.
Well,

Speaker 1 I didn't do French. I was a Tibet Truantin in Belgium.

Speaker 1 Where they speak Flemish. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Very good at Flemish. Tom, what was on the fruit? Was it like a platter of different seafoods? Yeah, and the best bit for me was the oysters, which I'd never had before.

Speaker 1 And I'd always fancied myself as somebody who would like oysters. And you know what? I was correct.

Speaker 1 I really loved them. Some people, they make me feel sick.
I love them. I love them.
I love them.

Speaker 1 And I had one with shallot vinegar, had one with just lemon juice, and had one with Tabasco, and I loved all of them equally.

Speaker 1 And I still think about that moment of having oysters straight, like in your gob, taste to the sea. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I think, think because i was so you know when you try something when you're a small child and you feel sort of proud of yourself if you like did you get that you were a fussy eater as a child i wasn't a fussy eater but like i definitely when i would like try something new uh that like i think my parents would you know try and encourage that yeah

Speaker 1 oh well yeah i'd like you know you feel like you're a bit of a grown-up yeah

Speaker 1 so you would like try and try something new that you wouldn't normally try i definitely felt proud of myself as a as a child for not being one of the fussy kids because you see all your friends who are like really fussy and they don't eat that they like that, they only eat this.

Speaker 1 And I'd be like, That's not me, I eat everything. Yeah, even to the point I remember being at

Speaker 1 like I think it was at a wedding, and they were like when I was probably seven or eight, and they had kit

Speaker 1 kids' food,

Speaker 1 they had food for the kids, so they had the full spread for the adults, like

Speaker 1 poached salmon, I remember was on there, and then they had the kids' food, which was like fish fingers, chicken dippers, oven chips. No way.

Speaker 1 And I remember my mum had to go and say, Can he have the adults' food? Because

Speaker 1 he's not going to eat this.

Speaker 1 Can he have a bit of poached salmon? Because he is.

Speaker 1 The most precocious eight-year-old you've ever met in your life.

Speaker 1 And I applaud it. And I applaud it.
Lauren Harry's walking around.

Speaker 1 I,

Speaker 1 yeah, I always felt like I was praised when I tried something new and I liked it. And I think even at the age of 17, I still had a bit of that.
And I was like, wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oysters, what are we talking? Straight down, one bite. One bite.
One bite and down. I think the first one it might have been straight down, which is actually not the way you should eat them.
No.

Speaker 1 Was that you're wasting it? Yeah, and I think they're also still alive.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, I think so. What? I think they're still alive, because they're just out of a shell.

Speaker 1 They're like... They're...

Speaker 1 What are they?

Speaker 1 I mean, I feel more weird about biting them.

Speaker 1 Well, I'd rather just get them straight down than start. What, and then have them live in your tummy forever? Is that what happens, Tom?

Speaker 1 Yeah. They live in your tummy forever? Forever.

Speaker 1 Do they cling on? What happens if you...

Speaker 1 Are they really alive? I don't know. You hear rumours.
What? I'll tell you what I feel bad about if they are alive. Splashing loads of vinegar on their face.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Tabasco in the eyes, you may as well just spray it with mace and then throw it in the bin.

Speaker 1 Some people do that. That is a traditional reason.

Speaker 1 I have a feeling that the day you trooned from school, they were learning if voices are alive or not.

Speaker 1 You got the cruel irony of it.

Speaker 1 Just so you know, kids, they are not alive when you eat them.

Speaker 1 Please don't ever go through life with that in your head. It's very important that we learn this now.
It's always my favorite assembly to deliver during the year.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I'm glad you're all here today. Bar, bar.

Speaker 1 Say, I'm glad you're all here. And then they'd be like, Alan, wake up.
And at the end, there's like a snoring tape machine. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was it just oysters on the panel? No, there were Langosteens and I think some sort of Welks. Some cockles.
Welks. And yeah, some other sort of prawns as well.
Yeah, like other ambitious seafood.

Speaker 1 So how big was this?

Speaker 1 The thing about it is that's really exciting is that it doesn't matter what's on it, really. It's the fact that, oh, who's having the Freedom Air?

Speaker 1 They put down a stand and then this massive dish on top of it.

Speaker 1 And actually, I don't think I've ever had it since.

Speaker 1 In my mind, it's too, even for me, it's too flamboyant. It's almost like

Speaker 1 banquet food in a cartoon, almost, isn't it? It's like big prawns hanging over the edge.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can imagine them eating it in a castle.

Speaker 1 How old are you again?

Speaker 1 17, I think, think, yes. But getting the Fruit de Mer.
Yeah, it's a good age for the Fruit de Mer. Big old Fruit de Mer.
Big old Fruit de Mer. So is that your starter?

Speaker 1 Do you want the Fruit de Mer or just the oysters?

Speaker 1 I want the Fruit de Mer because I want the whole theatre. You can have the Fruit de Merry.

Speaker 1 Also, off to a very strong start here.

Speaker 1 Your starter is the Fruit de Mer.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm pleased. Yeah, it's great.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that would be...

Speaker 1 I can still taste them now.

Speaker 1 Some people, this is an appalling choice in every way, though. Some people get angry about this.
Probably. People get angry, don't they? People get angry about this.

Speaker 1 People get angry about Freedom Air.

Speaker 1 You can't really get angry about Freedom Air. You can't literally shout.
I can't believe you're the Freedom Air. I mean, it doesn't sound angry as soon as you start saying it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 How did your parents feel about you getting the Freedom Air? And same question for Gene and Dennis.

Speaker 1 Gene and Dennis were delighted to introduce me to my first Freedom Air. Mum and dad, I imagine, saw it as the culmination of,

Speaker 1 to this point, a lifetime of

Speaker 1 precocious

Speaker 1 unbearableness.

Speaker 1 Of course, you get their Freedom Mare.

Speaker 22 Yeah, I think they were like, oh yeah, I bet, yeah, I bet, yeah, you like that, yeah, I bet you like that,

Speaker 1 yeah, it's expensive, that's why.

Speaker 1 It's probably the idea if you're the truant from school, let's just get a bit of rebellion in him and get him to be a badass. So they're like, right, we'll do whatever you want.

Speaker 1 Can I get the freedom air

Speaker 1 can we go to france i'd like the freedom air what i'm a bug sank you are truanting you will have a fag could gene and dennis come what the

Speaker 1 fucking old people

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Speaker 1 Move on to your main course. Well.

Speaker 1 I mean, who knows? I mean, this is

Speaker 1 such a beginning already. So the main.
The main. Now,

Speaker 1 I mean, I bet everybody says this. Like, one is slightly torn on this one.
Yeah. Because there's so many options.
Yes.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 one thing I do remember was was having Japanese food in Philadelphia.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow. What lesson were you skipping at this point?

Speaker 1 Which particular old couple were you with?

Speaker 1 And actually I've gone to stay with my auntie June.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 who lived in Philadelphia or just outside.

Speaker 1 And actually I'm no, I met up with some comedy friends of mine from new york and they wanted to go to uh philadelphia um they wanted to go for dinner rather to this japanese restaurant restaurant

Speaker 1 and i wasn't i mean i like i like the idea of japanese food but i'd never really had it at this point it was amazing and you know what was really amazing tiny little amounts and i'd never felt so full

Speaker 1 Yeah, so what you have a lot of different small dishes, did you? I had a lot of different small dishes.

Speaker 1 And for your your main, is this what you're wanting? Loads of different small dishes. Yeah, is that cheating? Lusanders did it.
We let her. Lusanders did it, but it was all horrible.

Speaker 1 Everything she picked was horrible. So I think we've got to let you have it because it sounds like it's going to be actually nice.

Speaker 1 You want the main course to be

Speaker 1 quite filling. I think that's what you want, but only because of the name, really.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's my take on it. And I always think, like, I'd love to go to somewhere really, you know, one of those really fashionable, really fancy restaurants that it's hundreds of pounds.

Speaker 1 But I always think, I don't think my palate is sophisticated enough. Right.
Like, I think I'd just gobble it all down. I'd be like,

Speaker 1 let's go for a kebab. Like one of those people who like, oh, you come out there, you're hungry afterwards.
I just stopped at the kebab shop.

Speaker 1 And sadly, I think I would be one of those people.

Speaker 1 Yeah, not to say I'd fight it.

Speaker 1 But yeah, like things like wagyu beef. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Here's something interesting.

Speaker 1 Wagyu.

Speaker 1 Wagyu. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Obviously, everyone goes, oh, wagyu beef. That's amazing beef.
Yeah. Just means Japanese beef.
Oh, well, what's the other one that's

Speaker 1 there's kobe? Kobe beef. So wagu means it's just Japanese, which I think generally Japanese beef is better anyway.
Yeah. But then it's the region that it's from is the important thing.

Speaker 1 So kobe is the really super expensive one. Kobe.
It was very thin slices of kobe beef. Oh.

Speaker 1 And it was exquisite. I've never had it.
I don't like it. I've never had it.
What was it taste like? It's so different. Very fatty, right?

Speaker 1 It was so, there were like slithers of it.

Speaker 1 And I think it was with soy sauce or a combination of soy sauce, using things.

Speaker 1 Like, I'd never had anything quite like it. It was just like tender.
And because you have so little of it, you have to appreciate it. Yeah.
And that's the other thing we miss when we have like

Speaker 1 such a, I have the word there on philosophy, a lot of something. An abundance.
An abundance.

Speaker 1 James.

Speaker 1 That sometimes the temptation is to go, well, I've got to get through this. Because as a child, I was always told you have to finish what's on your plate.
Yeah. Otherwise, you're a bad person.

Speaker 1 And you're not savouring. You're not savouring then if you're just getting through it.
So you're just getting, I think, yeah, I remember being like made to get through it.

Speaker 1 And things like Shepherd's Pie, which I still hate.

Speaker 1 Hate it.

Speaker 1 What if it was made with Kobe beef? Then I would delight it.

Speaker 1 I would love it. That was my first

Speaker 1 cooking class at school. Kobe beef.
In Food Tech. Yeah, it was Kobe beef.
Wow, Catherine's really gone downhill.

Speaker 1 No, it was Shepherd's Pie.

Speaker 1 But it was ready meal, Shepherd's Pie. What? What? So the first lesson was that we had to bring in a ready meal

Speaker 1 and make it. That was so

Speaker 1 when you said that me and Tom said what? Exactly the same time. And they looked at each other and looked at away.

Speaker 1 That was so good. What a waste.
What a waste of this

Speaker 1 audio.

Speaker 1 Probably like a film. I felt like I was in a scene in a film.

Speaker 1 It was so good what we just did.

Speaker 1 Looking at me, what? Ice popping, both to each other, both back at me again.

Speaker 1 I've read You have to bring in a ready meal. Yeah, so I bought

Speaker 1 a guard.

Speaker 1 I bought a Shepherd's Pie ready meal, and they showed me how to cook that in the oven or the microwave. Did you all have to bring in Shepherd's Pie or did you have to just bring in any ready meal?

Speaker 1 We all had to choose the ready meal, but I remember I chose Shepherd's Pie, and it was the saltiest thing I'd ever eaten at that point. It was so salty.

Speaker 1 Why was this where people sold

Speaker 1 the microwave?

Speaker 1 My parents asked the same question when we were doing it. They were like...
Your parents who are teachers themselves. Yeah, who are teachers themselves? Like, what is going on?

Speaker 1 Why are you learning to teach this?

Speaker 1 I just want to let people know: I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with having a ready meal if that's what you've got time for, if that's you know the sort of food that you want to have.

Speaker 1 Totally sure. Sure, this program isn't about being a foodie snob, no, not at all.
Like, if you want a ready meal, fine, you can have a lovely ready meal, right?

Speaker 1 But in terms of food tech, surely the thing you start with is preparing a basic meal before

Speaker 1 you think it's preparing a turbot, right? Yeah,

Speaker 1 to start

Speaker 1 the Emperor of the Sea, yeah, yeah, it's like that's normally what it is.

Speaker 1 But yeah,

Speaker 1 that was it.

Speaker 1 It's one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten as well. I mean, that's what I mean, though.
Like, Jamie Oliver really took it as a passion project when he went round

Speaker 1 school canteens and was basically like, maybe we shouldn't feed our children like

Speaker 1 what falls on the floor of an abattoir.

Speaker 1 And people are like, how dare you, how dare you try and tell us what to do, how to bring up our kids. And he was like, I'm not.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying it would be healthier if maybe you just made a tomato sauce with some wholemeal pasta. Ah, get out! Get out! Our kids love turkey guts.

Speaker 1 So you've got this Japanese selection. Wagyu beef.
Wagyu beef, tempura vegetables.

Speaker 1 I believe there was some black cod there as well. Oh.
Oh. Black cod.
Miso black cod? Yeah. Oh,

Speaker 1 I still can't hear people say miso without thinking about what they're saying about themselves. They're referring to what they are.

Speaker 1 I will never be able to get it out of my head. I'd like to get it out of my head.
Miso black cod, I think I've only had miso black cod once, and it's incredible. It's quite, do you know what, though?

Speaker 1 Because we were sharing, it was quite awkward. There were a few of us around the table, it's quite awkward to go in for like a slice of it because it can sometimes crumble.

Speaker 1 Yes, then you're embarrassed and you go back to the bottom of the bush, you don't want to be the crumbler. Oh, getting something like some

Speaker 1 like fish, some flaky fish

Speaker 1 with some chopsticks is pretty difficult and precautious is quite easy especially if it's far away but the picture you're painting now of reaching across the table to get the flaky fish and you've got to bring it back to the plate that's very very stressful

Speaker 1 yeah um also i think we had some sort of salad which had some sort of delicious leaf in it moving straight on for me not even indulging me um the salad was it like a seaweed was there seaweed in it no it was like a herb in it and i think something like yuzu but it wasn't yuzu it was

Speaker 1 it had like a citrusy flavor though this herb it was wonderful a sad one i would also like to say other options i considered for this were honourable munchins we call those

Speaker 1 please don't cut out that pause

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 you were doing a shit

Speaker 1 it was like you suddenly

Speaker 1 had a full poo actually just myself just about to come out when oh

Speaker 1 and then he's like one moment please i was just like tensed and uh

Speaker 1 um no honourable

Speaker 1 honourable munchant by proxy um i was gonna say when i went to germany and i did some gigs do you ever do those gigs in munich no no

Speaker 1 really fun they took us out afterwards and we had um

Speaker 1 We had steak and we had mac you know when you're hungry and it's late at night and it's freezing cold outside. We had steak which was amazingly cooked.

Speaker 1 They called it noodles, but to my mind, it reminded me of macaroni cheese.

Speaker 21 And then, pork knuckle.

Speaker 1 Have you ever had pork knuckle like we do in Germany? I've had pork knuckle.

Speaker 1 It is like roast pork, but with loads of salt on the outside and with a really stodgy mashed potato, and then some sort of gravy.

Speaker 1 And I don't normally like gravy, but that meal was one of my favourite mains, and I still think about that.

Speaker 1 The other one is when it was my dad's birthday, and we seldom went out to restaurants or for takeaways because they were seen as indulgent, but we would often get the takeaway menu and the takeaway things from Marks and Spencer's food haul.

Speaker 1 And I remember when we first had Krispy Duck. Yes.
Yes. And that blew my probably nine-year-old mind.
Oh, I think I was exactly the same the first time I had it.

Speaker 1 I think Krispy Duck still blows my mind. Yeah.
Every time they have it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's such a treat. It still feels like a treat, doesn't it? Yeah.
There are some foods where the first time you have them, no matter who you are, it's mind-blowing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Krispy Duck is absolutely one of them. I mean, everyone, the first time they had Krispy Duck, was like, what is this?

Speaker 1 I'd say say

Speaker 1 fried chicken the first time you have it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 First time I had KFC. I was going to say KFC.
So the first time I had fried chicken, I was like, this is insane.

Speaker 1 Like, this is the best food I have ever had. Did you have it quite recently? No.

Speaker 1 With terms of like... Do you mean...
I only had it within the last five years I had KFC. For the first time? Yeah.
Oh, no, I had it for the first time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think I'm the same as you, Tom. I think KFC was never an option.
It wasn't as good. When I was young, no one was like going, oh, we'll go and get some fast food.
We'll go to KFC.

Speaker 1 It was McDonald's or Burger King. It was McDonald's or Burger King.
Yeah, KFC was always considered the absolute no-go, I think. Yeah, I don't know.
But now there's posh fried chicken. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, mind-blowingly good fried chicken. I remember having some, I'm a bit obsessed with chicken wings, and I love buffalo chicken wings

Speaker 1 so much. And also I love

Speaker 1 Korean flavoured chicken wings. Yeah, Korean chicken wings.
Korean chicken wings. I don't know quite what the flavourings are in it, but it's one of the things.

Speaker 1 With like a really thick red sauce on it.

Speaker 1 I think it's based, like the main bit of the sauce is gotcha jang, which is like the fermented chili paste. Oh,

Speaker 1 so good. So good.
I've not been to Korep. I had.

Speaker 1 I hope to go one day.

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Speaker 1 A side dish, is I think

Speaker 1 side dish.

Speaker 1 Um, carrot balls.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 was in

Speaker 1 Las Vegas and

Speaker 1 I nearly did a joke about carrot balls being my nickname. Didn't do it.
Yeah. Oh, I got in a bit quick then, sorry.
People call me ginger and stuff or whatever online, and I thought it was.

Speaker 1 I was going to do a joke about Naked Snowman, so carry on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And why do people use ginger? You're not ginger? They think I am. I think a lot of the time under studio or stage lighting, I look like ginger.
Which is your natural home? Yes, mine is where I reside.

Speaker 1 And so people think that I'm ginger. And then I don't.
When ginger people especially tweet me being like, could you see one of our own on TV?

Speaker 1 I don't want to

Speaker 1 be a party pooper.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that's sad if people think that. Scotsman wrote an article about me once, and the headline was ginger ambition.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah,

Speaker 1 it doesn't make sense and it's just not a thing, is it?

Speaker 1 What was the expression thing?

Speaker 1 That I didn't even got them touching. Ginger ambition.

Speaker 1 I didn't even recognise that. What, the little laugh? No, I didn't even recognise the fact that that doesn't make any sense.
It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 1 Ginger.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what it's going to play on, but. It's naked ambition.
Naked ambition. Naked ambition.

Speaker 1 Also, you're not, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be like James Ancaster, very ambitious. No, no, yeah, no, that's the thing.
The article isn't even about fat.

Speaker 1 It's not even like, yeah, it's not me saying I'm ambitious or I want to achieve.

Speaker 1 Ginger nut might be fun. You were really quirky.
If you were really like, call me that if you want. No.
Ginger ambition.

Speaker 1 Lol Weasley, that makes as much sense. Yeah.
That would have been a good one. I would have read that article.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you would have liked that. Ginger ambition, though.
That's nice.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 carrot balls.

Speaker 1 I've never had carrots that were like this. They were like

Speaker 1 short and fat, and they were cooked in a lot of butter, and they were delicious. And it was served in, I think it's called the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 they were just wonderful. I never got so excited.
I think they were roasted in butter. So they were carrots that I'd like, they had, they've tasted of carrot.

Speaker 1 in a way that I hadn't experienced before. Are they sh I'm trying to work out, are they just like naturally fat, ball-like character? I think they're like some sort of organic.

Speaker 1 They're not like melon balls. No, they were not delivered with a baller.
No, no.

Speaker 1 My mum and dad had a melon baller, which on the other end was a butter

Speaker 1 thing for making butter curls. Never saw it used, though.
Never saw it used. No, I was going to say, you grew up in a BNB.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's sort of thing I would have loved to have used, but no. I bet you'd run a great BNB.
Yeah, I was going to say that.

Speaker 1 You'd definitely win like celebrity for it a bed. I

Speaker 1 would

Speaker 1 be very stressful for the guests there if they didn't. Do you think that I'd want them to behave exactly as I wanted them to behave.
I didn't know about it.

Speaker 1 No. Don't sit there, please.

Speaker 1 Right, you haven't bitten that. It's alive in your stomach.

Speaker 1 I don't know why

Speaker 1 you don't need your breakfast oysters properly.

Speaker 1 Why were you in Las Vegas? Were you just on holiday? Just on a holiday. On a little holiday to Las Vegas.
Have you been? No. It's great.
I'd really like to go. Las Vegas on a holiday.
I wouldn't.

Speaker 1 I'm full of surprises. Yeah.
That's the least of my surprises.

Speaker 1 And what did Gene and Dennis think of the carrot balls?

Speaker 1 Gene and Dennis.

Speaker 1 I went with a friend of mine

Speaker 1 and we were both delighted because we'd never had carrots like it. Don't they sound nice? Because I think like boiled carrots makes me feel sad.

Speaker 1 Like my mum will sometimes do boiled carrots on a Sunday lunch and I'm always like, no, I don't want that.

Speaker 1 And I don't understand why we can't have roasted carrots. What do you say to her when she gives you the carrot? No, I don't want that.

Speaker 1 Why am I finding all of your reactions so funny, Tom?

Speaker 1 No, I don't know.

Speaker 1 So these, I still am not clear what these are.

Speaker 1 These carrot balls. They're just fat carrots, right? They're just fat carrots.
I've never seen anything like them, so I mean, they will be impossible to imagine. But they were

Speaker 1 sort of carrots that were... Maybe that I'm doing with my hand.
What is that? I don't know what that is.

Speaker 1 Ten centimetres? Was it three inches?

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 He is a lad.

Speaker 1 That's why you get called a lad, mate. Is that why? Because I'm always going into

Speaker 1 measurements of carrots. And.

Speaker 1 Roasted in butter. Roasted in butter somehow, but they've got burning bits, burnt bits of bursts.
Oh, that's nice.

Speaker 1 I love burning bits.

Speaker 1 I love them. Burning bits was one of my tastes when we all realised that actually burnt stuff tastes great and it's not.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's not about that.

Speaker 1 The other

Speaker 1 Honourable Munchens by Proxy

Speaker 1 is. I'm referencing Munchausen's by proxy, but I just realised what is that? Is that something that's not? I was just saying, but you're like by proxy.
I get it now. But what is it?

Speaker 1 Munchausen's by proxy is a psychological disorder where

Speaker 1 quite often I think

Speaker 1 so.

Speaker 1 Parents will take in their children and say to the hospital and say they're really ill, but constantly, and they're not ill, but they've just got this issue that they're sort of putting through their children.

Speaker 1 So they have a proxy. Oh, that's the proxy.
Yeah, it happens on casualty all the time.

Speaker 1 And I remember because my mum used to be a nurse and we'd watch casualty every week, and then she diagnosed things before they got diagnosed in the script. That's kind of fun.

Speaker 1 So she'd be like, Munch hasn't by proxy. For see, yeah.
We should like that with 999 as well. Yeah, exactly like that would night.
She's just like, he's got a snooker key through his head.

Speaker 1 Munch houses by proxy. Munch houses by proxy.

Speaker 1 Go to bed, Ed. You're ill.

Speaker 1 So, Ed, I'm going to to take you to the hospital. Come on, I'm going to go.

Speaker 1 So that. The other one I was going to say is when I was on holiday in Crete this year, my friend took me to a restaurant in the mountains.
We were overlooking the sea. It was amazing.

Speaker 1 And we had it to ourselves, no one else was there. We ordered two side dishes.
One was a,

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's Greek or Cretan,

Speaker 1 but it was, I think, hotter, which as I understand is sort of a green, like a sort of cabbage. But then they serve it with lemon juice and olive oil, loads of salt,

Speaker 1 very nice.

Speaker 1 But then we had mushrooms, which had been barbecued, covered in lemon juice, olive oil and salt. There's a theme.

Speaker 1 The burniness of these oyster mushrooms, which have been splayed on the barbecue, cooked through, covered in these ingredients, again, was probably...

Speaker 1 Well, actually, yeah, I think actually those mushrooms probably beat the carrot balls. Oh.

Speaker 1 Probably one of the nicest things I've ever done. Do you want to change it to the mushrooms? Yeah, I don't want to change it to the mushrooms.
With a vegan. These mushrooms are really good.

Speaker 1 And where did you have them again? Crete. Crete.
Country. Crete mushrooms.
Thank you. Whenever I say Crete, it's all good.

Speaker 1 I think your food tech glasses have me in there.

Speaker 1 To drink, sir.

Speaker 1 I think I would like... Oh, where was I when I had this?

Speaker 1 It was the first time I'd had a nice red wine. And I think it was a New Zealand Maubeck, if that's a thing.

Speaker 1 And I remember it being quite extraordinary. And I don't know much about wine, really, but I like expensive ones.

Speaker 1 And this was my favourite most expensive one. It had this kind of like almost smoked taste about it, this sort of woody taste, which probably is quite repulsive to some people.

Speaker 1 But I really liked it, and I never had anything like that. You know, it doesn't have that harshness to it.

Speaker 1 And I do like wine. I like maybe one to two glasses of wine.

Speaker 1 I sometimes have more than that, and I always regret it. Oh, I never do.
I never regret it. Ed loves having a whole bottle of wine to himself.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes, please. Oh, yes.
Get your hands on my bottle. That's what I say.
Oh,

Speaker 1 like that, is it?

Speaker 1 What sort of wines do you like? Oh, I'm trying all different types at the moment. I sort of, again, I don't know much about it, but I quite enjoy at the moment.

Speaker 1 I'll reach for an Italian, maybe like a Barolo. Yeah, but what would you say?

Speaker 1 Sorry, I've got to leave gaps for the innuendo.

Speaker 1 A Barolo or something like that. That's her name, is it?

Speaker 1 Lovely lads. No, why don't they call me Lads?

Speaker 1 Such a lad.

Speaker 1 Oh, is that very heavy? Quite heavy, quite fruity.

Speaker 1 Dark and fruity.

Speaker 1 Go on.

Speaker 1 I like agronised a cereal.

Speaker 1 You've missed it, absolutely.

Speaker 1 I said dark and fruity.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's what they call me in the Scotsman.

Speaker 1 As accurate. Yeah.
Yeah. Dark and fruity.
Oh. Yeah, so some sort of red white.

Speaker 1 Like, whenever I have a hangover, which is not so often, but whenever I do, I always think, I've got to never drink again, I've got to be somebody who doesn't drink.

Speaker 1 And then I get offered a glass of red wine, and then I go, but I couldn't give you up.

Speaker 1 And maybe that's not ideal. Well, no, it's okay.

Speaker 1 Have you always been into wine? Like, or has it been a recent thing? Small child. Well, to be honest, Tom, you're the only person on this podcast.
I would have to ask that to. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean? I can imagine you truant him from school with a glass of red. Yeah.
Excuse me, I had to go down to my local wine tasting.

Speaker 1 I remember liking black coffee as a child, so I think it started there. The sort of like not afraid of kind of quite adult flavours.
That's really funny that you like black coffee as a child.

Speaker 1 Now I'm imagining you as a little like PI.

Speaker 1 You're black coffee. Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee.
Oh, no one can speak to me until I've had my coffee. Tom, you're four.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 That's the worst of it.

Speaker 1 Are you a pudding boy?

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 I have been, yeah.

Speaker 1 You have been? Well, I've done, I feel like this is the most difficult course for me. Oh, right, okay.

Speaker 1 Because of being involved with programmes that centre around

Speaker 1 puddings and desserts and stuff.

Speaker 1 You're for people who don't know, which

Speaker 1 is if they don't. But

Speaker 1 you're uh deeply embroiled in the great british bake-off well in that uh I well at the moment I'm co-hosting a bake-off the professionals with my friend Liam Charles

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 and also I have been doing some things uh for an extra slice which is part of the yes the Great British Bake Off franchise

Speaker 1 I was on episode of that with you indeed you were James the Vegan Week that was a very interesting week I thought I was on my best behaviour I was not I got a tweet So you were saying that sometimes maybe people

Speaker 1 get angry at you. Yeah.
Online for being mean about the cakes, because you're mean about the cakes, aren't you? Yeah, sometimes they can be.

Speaker 1 Sometimes you're you're just light-heartedly mean about the cakes.

Speaker 1 I wasn't mean about the cakes, I thought I'd been quite a nice boy.

Speaker 1 Someone tweeted at me saying, My mum says you were incredibly rude on Great British Bacon extra slice and you should be ashamed of yourself. Wow.

Speaker 1 And I was in the I normally don't respond to tweets like that. But there's nothing worse than being told my mum says.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was in quite a cheeky mood.

Speaker 1 So I replied saying, your mum is total garbage.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 how did that go? She replied to me.

Speaker 1 She replied to me saying, you just proved her point. That's so, so rude.
And you should know better because

Speaker 1 my mom says you should know better because you're middle-aged and you should know better.

Speaker 1 Wow, that is a slam from that is shots fired from the mum there.

Speaker 1 You should really know better as a middle-aged ginger man.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So to that when I replied I said,

Speaker 1 how old does your garbage mum think I am?

Speaker 1 And so this got on for a long time and she'd keep on sending me stuff going, this is exactly what she's talking about. This is so rude of you.

Speaker 1 And then at one point I just sent her a gif of a bin lorry that was Hester had the bin attached to it and was like wildly flinging rubbish across the street.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 said that at one point.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it all culminated in her eventually sending me a poorly photoshopped picture.

Speaker 1 The top half of the person's body was my body.

Speaker 1 Me from the waist up.

Speaker 1 The bottom half, she'd just

Speaker 1 photoshopped an old man on a Zimmer frame, but just got legs and a Zimmer frame with hands on it. So it looked like

Speaker 1 my legs on a Zimmer frame. Then she'd done a speech bubble coming out of my mouth, and she'd written,

Speaker 1 My name is Old Man Acaster, and I've never learnt manners in waste of my life.

Speaker 1 Wow,

Speaker 1 extra slice. That's quite, that is quite an extreme experience.
I don't know if all of the guests have that. No, I've never been on extra slice, Tom.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And if there's a worry that because I'm a type one diabetic, I wouldn't enjoy my time on the show or I wouldn't have anything to add.

Speaker 1 I just want to put everyone's minds at ease that that's not the case. If it's because I'm not famous enough, fair cop.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm not responsible for the booking. Well, you're you're the only person, you're the closest to the booking team that we've had on the podcast.

Speaker 1 Well, okay, well, if you're very keen, I would suggest you send in a letter. Okay, because I have the address.

Speaker 1 What's the address?

Speaker 1 Bake off an extra slice,

Speaker 1 47. Yes.

Speaker 1 Cake Street

Speaker 1 Kettering, because it sounds like catering. Yeah.

Speaker 1 KT. I thought I got it.
Yeah. KT

Speaker 1 99. Yes.

Speaker 1 F-L-K. K.
Okay. F L K for Flaky.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, now everyone's going to send in a letter who's heard this, and I'm never going to get on. I'm never going to hear the end of it.

Speaker 1 So I have had a lot of cakes and I've had a lot of desserts off the back of Bake Off for the Professionals.

Speaker 1 Not off the back of. That suggested I was rummaging through the bit.

Speaker 1 Or do they do it like sort of Japanese sushi style where someone lies down and you all eat off their bodies? Oh, like Samantha did in Sex of the City. I don't expect you to get that reference.

Speaker 1 I do. I've seen it.
Have you?

Speaker 1 I've seen Sex of the City before. Have you? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which one would you be? Oh, none of them. I think they're all awful.

Speaker 1 Not the expensive. Monica.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Good answers, folks.

Speaker 1 So I would say, still, my favourite thing is some sort of pastry tart with some sort of custard inside. Preferably like a lemony custard.

Speaker 1 I like it to be gooey. And I like the pastry to be crispy.
A lemon custard tart or like a tartea citron.

Speaker 1 One might call it a tartea citron.

Speaker 1 But was I there with you, James, when I had a disappointing one?

Speaker 1 I think so. I think I might have seen you eat a disappointing tartea citron.

Speaker 1 I sent it back. Yes.
I sent it back.

Speaker 1 I sent it back. Because

Speaker 1 pastry, a short crust pastry, should be short, should be crispy, should have a crunch to it almost.

Speaker 1 And this one had a soft, doughy, undercooked, disappointing texture, and I sent it straight back.

Speaker 1 Was this on Bake Off the Professional? No, this was in real life with James A. Custer.
Whereabouts were you? In Westfield Caluccias.

Speaker 1 I sent them an email. Oh, I was in the looch.

Speaker 1 I didn't want to bring it up, but I was there. I sent an email almost on the spot.
Yes. I got a response.
Things went back to normal from there.

Speaker 1 Did they send you any vouchers or anything?

Speaker 1 No, I would have declined them. I do not agree with

Speaker 1 just because I'm improving the world doesn't mean I have to get paid for it. Right, okay.

Speaker 1 Good slogan. Good slogan.

Speaker 1 A Tarto Citron, then, for dessert. Yes, but an excellent one.
An excellent one. Where is the best one? Yeah, where's the best one?

Speaker 1 We've got to get this in. Because I don't want it again.
We've never had an item sent back in this dream restaurant, and I don't want to get this from on with the Tarto Citroen. You know what?

Speaker 1 I think when

Speaker 1 Paul's petisserie first opened in London. Yes.

Speaker 1 And you mean just that the petitioner is just called Paul's. You're not talking about your friend Paul Hollywood? I've only met him once, so I would not deign to call him a friend.

Speaker 1 The Petitary Paul's, which at one point rather ubiquitously, is that the right word? It's everywhere

Speaker 1 opened in all the stations, I think, really compromised the brand.

Speaker 1 Before that, it had a very traditional Parisian feel about it in its original Coffin Garden shop, and I would often walk past it on my way to Charing Cross station.

Speaker 1 So on high days and holidays, I would pop in, spend sometimes in the region of £12 on cake unheard of in my family,

Speaker 1 would take Hoban,

Speaker 1 would take home a selection of cakes, one of which was Tartar Citron. It was the first time I had it.
I really enjoyed it. So that one.
The Paul's Tartar Citron. You

Speaker 1 will

Speaker 1 also notice that there's another word where I drop the N. Ah.
Citron. Tarte Citron.
In the restaurant. In the restaurant.
When I was drawing. OG Paul's Tartar Citron.

Speaker 1 OG? Original gangster.

Speaker 1 The OG Paul's. Correct.
Yes. Original Gangster Paul's.
Yep. Cotton Citron.

Speaker 1 Correct. With

Speaker 1 a sour sort of yogurt with it or something, or like a spoonful of something. Tom is

Speaker 1 like he's a piece of shit. Cream, air cream.

Speaker 1 Any cream?

Speaker 1 Any cream, Tom? Any cream? I guess it could be permissible to have some sort of cream or maybe a cream for each.

Speaker 1 That's what I meant. I think I meant creme frache.
However, I do not care for it. I'm a pure.
Well, you don't have to have it. It's your dream restaurant.

Speaker 1 We wouldn't bring you some creme creme frache and then you have to scrape it off. There's no scraping.
I don't know why I've had to scrape, yeah. There's no scraping in the dream restaurant.

Speaker 1 I don't like it.

Speaker 1 I don't really like cream, actually. No.
I find it very

Speaker 1 like milk.

Speaker 1 Why would you put that on a thing? If it's sweetened and given a texture. I'm all about the texture.
Oh, I don't like the pouring cream on stuff.

Speaker 1 I don't like strawberries. Why people bang on about strawberries and cream? Yeah, it was ridiculous.
No one really loves strawberries and cream, do they? No. I think it's like a punishment.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like pouring milk on it. It's like eating a bowl of cereal.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hang on, if you've got a lovely tart or a cheesecake or something, you pour a jug of cream on it. Oh, it just looks so stupid.

Speaker 1 Stupid. It actually does look stupid.
Yeah. It looks stupid, doesn't it?

Speaker 1 People do that. They pour it over and you're saying, oh, that's going to be soggy.
You're sogging up the base. That's all you're doing.
That's all you're doing.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go onto the base, sog the base up. Sog the base.
Yeah, yeah. That's all you're doing.
Yeah. I'd like some squirt.
I'd take squirty cream any day over that. Have you ever double creamed?

Speaker 1 I'll have a dollar butter.

Speaker 1 What about the game? Have you ever thought like

Speaker 1 squirty cream?

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? Straight in your mouth. It's disgusting.
Squirty cream's absolutely disgusting. Don't take it over pouring cream, right, Tom? I would.

Speaker 1 I would. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I absolutely would. Yeah.
Sometimes with a

Speaker 1 glasse cherry popped in the top. Ooh.

Speaker 1 I don't know what happened there, but I love it. James, read him his order.

Speaker 1 This is the bill, is it? Yeah, no, you have to pay.

Speaker 1 We actually give you the food, but you do have to pay for it. Okay.
You would like some sparkling water to start.

Speaker 1 You would like some crispy sourdough bread as your bread. Starter, you would like Fruit de Mer.

Speaker 1 Fruit de Mer. Thank you.
Fruit de Mer

Speaker 1 from Truanday.

Speaker 1 Yeah. With Jean and Denis.
May, you would like some Japanese small plates from Philadelphia. Yes.

Speaker 1 Side, you would like some mushrooms from Crete. Yes.

Speaker 12 You would like an NZ Malbeck?

Speaker 1 Sure. And dessert, you would like a tartu citron from Paul's.
Correct.

Speaker 1 That's delicious.

Speaker 1 That's a good meal. Do you feel good about that?

Speaker 1 Back to you? Yeah, I mean, part of me thinks, should I have gone for something, you know, slightly meatier in the main course to sort of give you that feeling of like, oh, I feel sick.

Speaker 1 I wish that I'd had it all over the place. Which is what you really want from a good meal.
That's all I want from a really posh meal.

Speaker 1 But actually, I think there's something nice about just having just the right amount. I think you could have that as a lunch and then get on with your day.
That's it, isn't it?

Speaker 1 As they would, I imagine, in France. Something like that.

Speaker 1 Not too many kinds. You could go back to school for afternoon lessons.
We'd be back and I'd be raring to go. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thank you very much, Tom. Thank you, Tom.
Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 That was the menu of Tom Allen. Fancy.

Speaker 1 Very fancy. I loved all the stories connected with it.
The story of Truenting with an elderly couple will probably go down enough menu history as the best reason for picking a starter.

Speaker 1 The Fuin de Mere.

Speaker 1 I really love the fact that you chose that. Yeah.
And that was the story behind it. That's Tom Allen at his most rebellious.

Speaker 1 Also, picking Fuy de Ma, I didn't say this at the time, Fuis de Mer, right, you would want to eat that near the sea. And I thought, oh, he's done that.
He's not, he's eating it next to the channel.

Speaker 1 It doesn't feel like what they're pulling out of the channel. Yeah, it's the same.

Speaker 1 That's very disgusting.

Speaker 1 Very disgusting. The old fish that they've scooped up there.
A tartar citron at the end. A glass of red wine.

Speaker 1 Very fancy. Japanese small plates?

Speaker 1 What was the beef? Wagu beef.

Speaker 1 From Kobe? From Kobe.

Speaker 1 Fancy meal, fancy guy. Yeah.
Lovely gentleman. Excellent comedian.
Wonderful presenter.

Speaker 1 If you want to see more of him, Tom's always on toys, he's always doing gigs, but also you can watch Bake Off the Professionals, Extra Slice, depending on what's currently on TV when you listen to this podcast.

Speaker 1 He did an episode of your show Hypothetical as well, didn't he, James? He was absolutely excellent on Hypothetical. He was on episode one.
That's how good he was. We opened the whole series with him.

Speaker 1 It was very funny. So you can watch that on UK TV Play.

Speaker 1 You can come and see me on tour.

Speaker 1 I'd imagine if you go onted edgamble.co.uk forward slash gigs, check out my social media at Edgamble Comedy and also the Off Menu social media at off menu official on Twitter and Insta Baby.

Speaker 1 Insta baby.

Speaker 1 You don't have Insta? You're not an Instaman? No, no, not an Instaman. But I can still say Instababy with the best of them.
You can indeed. What are you up to at the moment, James?

Speaker 1 Probably touring. And

Speaker 1 yeah, hyperfeticals on UK TV Play. See you next week.

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