Ep 37: Tom Allen

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

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If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

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CTNC's 21 Plus.

On the menu?

I don't think so.

It's off menu.

Oh, very nice, Ed.

Yeah.

Ed Gamble there.

My name is James Acasta.

This is the off-menu podcast.

Very exciting.

This is where we have a very special guest on, and we get them to say their dream meal to us.

Their favourite ever.

Starter, main course, dessert, side, and drink.

Yes, but not necessarily in that order.

Imagine the order you might have it in a meal, say.

That's the order that we do it.

We leave the drink pretty late.

We do leave the drink pretty late, don't we?

Pretty thirsty.

This week's guest is the wonderful Tom Allen.

Oh, the wonderful Tom Allen.

What a guy.

Tom Allen, stand-up comedian, but you may know him as a presenter, funny presenter on things like the Bake Off Extra Slice or

the Professionals.

Yeah, very excited.

And he's like one of the main ones on that.

He gets it.

I'd just be, if I had his job, I'd just be hanging around for food.

I'd forget all my lines.

I'd just be so busy looking at all the pastries, wanting to eat all the food.

They wouldn't give you any lines, man.

They'd just let you off.

Yeah.

Improvise and eat the food.

Let him do what he wants to do.

Yeah, there's no point trying to give him lines.

He'll try and eat the script.

That is true.

But hey, here's a line for you: there is a secret ingredient, and if Tom Allen chooses it, he's getting kicked out of the restaurant.

And this week it is liver.

Right.

I know you want to make it liver.

And that's fine.

We can make it liver.

We don't have to agree.

I don't hate it.

We don't have to agree that we both hate things.

I love liver.

Oh, he's a liver lover.

I'm a liver lover.

He's a liver lover.

I'm a liver hater.

But we're friends.

That's a good sitcom.

Yeah.

I'm a liver lover as I live and breathe.

I love it.

Oh, man.

I do not love it at all.

Lamb's liver.

Chicken livers

get in my mouth.

Chicken livers, absolutely.

Chicken liver in a bolognese sauce.

You've never tasted such depth of flavour.

Okay, well, maybe if you did a chicken...

I've never had that before.

Yeah.

Maybe chicken liver in a bolognese sauce will just make it more thick.

Yeah, it thickens it up.

It gives it depth of flavour.

It gives it a more irony taste.

Yeah, well, I'll be open to that, but I'm thinking about the liver that I've had in my life, and it's all been disgusting.

I don't like the texture of it.

You're thinking of overcooked lamb's liver cooked till it's grey, yeah, right.

If Tom should specify that, if Tom picks lamb's liver cooked till it's grey, he's out of the restaurant, yeah.

And I, Joe, I'm not gonna know if Saul Butts or maybe he is out of this restaurant if he cooks overcooked lamb's liver till it's grey.

Yeah, I mean, I suspect that he won't, but let's hear if he goes for any liver.

But apart from that, I'm very excited to hear the menu of Tom Allen.

Tom, welcome to the Dream Restaurant.

Tom Allen.

Thank you.

Oh,

how kind.

Welcome.

It's me appearing out of my lamp, Tom.

Oh, I assume that was some sort of firework pyrotechnic thing you'd put on for me.

It was for you as well.

Yeah.

As I walked into the business.

Yeah, it was for you.

It was for you.

But like, also, I'm a genie.

In a bottle?

Oh, in a lamp, actually.

Quite a traditional genie.

Now you've said genie in a bottle, you think that's probably more.

Food and drink, isn't it?

Oh, well, I didn't think of it like that.

But also, a lamp

can be delicious.

For

lighting your food.

Oh, yeah.

You just pour some oil on your food and light it.

Yes.

And also on salads.

Oh, yeah.

If you could have a...

Different sorts of oil.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Different sorts of oil.

The genie law has changed quite a lot.

I mean, you could be in a bottle today because previously you you have been in a gravy boat as well, if you remember.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Of course, I'm a member.

Yeah.

You've always been jumping out of receptacles.

Yeah, yeah, always just jumped out of a receptacle.

Yeah.

You name it.

I've jumped out of it.

What are your thoughts on the word restaurant?

Would you say restaurant?

I've taken to saying restaurant.

Which I think is a very good thing.

You do say restaurant in quite a fancy way, James.

Restaurant.

Restaurant.

Restaurant.

Restaurant.

Maybe I do.

Actually, I've never thought about how I say it, but then someone did a tweet the other day about how I say it and

I don't know.

I might be thinking it now.

Imagine if someone said instead of menu, Mina,

can I see the Mina, please?

You'd still understand what they meant though, within the top of the middle.

If someone said, can I see the Mina, please?

If you said that, Ed,

I would be very much appalled.

You'd pick me up on it, wouldn't you?

Of course.

The Mina?

That would be the main reason I'm taking you out to dinner.

Right, we're just what are we going to do about it?

That says Minar in the menu, right?

Someone's going to have to take you out to the dinner and bring it up in context.

Listen, we've been meaning stronger about this.

They're taking them somewhere where you know the waiting staff are quite rude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're not going to put up with it.

What?

I had an experience where I went into Coke Browsery, which is actually one of my favourite of the High Street chains.

And I was going there on a date, and we hadn't booked, and I went in there with this guy, and the head waiter said, sorry, lads, we haven't got any room.

And I still now, to this day, am furious about the fact that he referred to me as one-half of lads.

I think I may have actually at the time said, I'm not a lad.

But thank you very much.

This was Coach Brazerie.

If I come to Coat Brazerie for one thing, excuse me, put a French accent on for crying.

Lads do not go to Coach Browser.

No, lads are going to Coach Brown.

You think that?

I was so insulted by it i mean i'm as i i hadn't thought about it for a long time and suddenly i'm appalled i'm appalled again it was maybe four years ago i mean you do like i mean i i know that you're partial to chains i know you're the biggest colour luchos fan that i know i've said it before and i'll say it again i love it up the looch

and to me

the hallmark of a successful urban regeneration program is the opening of a luch

in some sort of pedestrianized pedestrianized town square.

Yes.

Even if it is one fabricated internally out of a shopping centre.

So you love a luch, you love a coat?

Yeah, love it.

Any other, what's what?

Fur.

Oh, fur.

Love fur.

Love.

And well,

of course, you pronounced it correctly.

Of course, of course.

I did my research before I went there.

I think that's one of

my main annoying ticks that when people say faux

and I say it's pronounced fur and then they look at me like they annoyed they came out for a meal with me no especially when you then say can I see the meaner it's pronounced fur and it's the best thing on this meeting

I never like directly correct people but I'm one of the annoying people who like they go oh I love faux oh yeah there's a really good fur place down at the

I'm that person

so passive aggressive much worse and they're like we both know what's happened here

I don't know if I'm in tune with a lot of your listeners when I say this, but I'm delighted at the expansion of the Ivy Browseries across their national network at the moment.

I'm really enjoying that.

Have they maintained quality

across the branches?

I would say I've had very good experiences.

I've largely sat at the bar, which has allowed me to develop a rapport, which I say in the same way I'd say restaurant,

not pronouncing the T at the end.

And with the staff, sometimes they're quite new, so I can actually train them.

Because you know the house style.

Because I know the house style.

I know where

I know

where the branded plate should sit on

the setting

and

I feel like that's

how many branches of the ivory brasery train have you been to?

Firstly you just said ivory brasary.

The ivory browserie.

Oh you did.

You were aware of it.

I'm so sorry I didn't pick up on your chain.

I would say upwards of five places now.

Excellent.

Yeah.

There you go.

How important is good service to you?

I would say on a scale of one to ten, it's eleven.

I hate it when people do that.

Would you like still a sparkling water to start?

I would actually have sparkling, please, because I fancy myself as a continental European.

Yes.

Have you always fancied yourself as a continental European?

Ever since.

I can remember.

I've always liked the idea of some sort of town square living.

I've always wanted a junior balcony.

People don't know that about me, but I've always wanted that.

Maybe some sort of hardwood floor.

What do you imagine, when you imagine the balcony, what do you imagine doing?

Like, how does it factor into your day?

First thing in the morning, I open it and then look out across the square.

Yeah.

As the gentleman breeze blows.

Do you shout like good morning?

Yes, Alan.

Oliver.

Pigeons.

Some pigeons fly away.

Oh, yes, maybe in a dramatic way.

If there's shutters as well, flinging open shutters.

Are you wearing a sort of long nightgown

situation?

Yes, but in a sort of loose European way.

Yeah, yeah.

Not in an uptight British way.

Not Scrooge.

Not Scrooge.

On Christmas Day, would you look up the balcony and ask a young boy what day it is?

I think that's frowned upon these days.

So sparkling water.

I've gone for sparkling water, but you know what?

Actually, I don't really like it, but I have it.

Like a lot of things.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's important to show.

It's all for show.

You want people to think Tom's got bubbly money.

I obviously want people to think that

at odd times.

And I think going to a restaurant is all about pageantry, isn't it?

The moment you walk into the restaurant, you want people to be watching that.

Everyone's looking at you.

Everyone's looking at you.

They're waiting for your water order.

They're going to judge me on the water order.

So you wouldn't have sparkling at home?

No.

What sort of spendthrift skylark do you think I am?

I can imagine you walking into a restaurant with...

like your jacket over your shoulders.

Yes.

Not with your arms through, but just like that.

And almost like surveying the restaurant and just like pushing your jacket off of your shoulders onto the floor.

Expecting someone to be there.

To catch it.

To catch it.

Just decide.

Yeah.

Just looking at it like that,

as the camera just zooms in on you.

Oh, it's a camera?

Yeah.

Don't you go to restaurants with a camera?

No.

Can I imagine Tom in a film?

It's a film as well.

Oh, no, no, sorry.

This is a film.

But it's with a very,

very method actor who insists that I, a method director who insists that I live

the whole experience.

Yeah.

He doesn't cast anyone who's not, that's not their life anyway.

Yeah, the audition is: is this your life?

Great.

Popadoms off bread, Tom.

Popadoms on bread.

Okay, I'm gonna mention him again, and I'm sorry to keep going back to it.

Jamie Oliver once said on one of his

stories, one of his programs, that Popadoms are

Austin,

I see it all as a wonderful narrative.

Popper domes.

I completely not noticed it until I had

His marvellous story, the story of

how to live like Jamie Oliver.

He

said that often popped ons are used to add texture to food.

They're not some sort of crisps and dips thing.

This is what he said.

I don't know if this is true or not.

But I went with it.

I think I have heard it from other sources.

But I like both, but I think I'll go for bread on this occasion, preferably sourdough.

But if it comes in a basket and it's presented to me by somebody asking, Have you been in a harvester restaurant before?

Then I will also enjoy that too.

But I'll give a poppy seed.

Harvester, did you say?

Harvester restaurant.

Are you a harvester fan?

I love the harvester.

Really?

Well, to be honest, I haven't been for probably 20 years, but the memory is so vivid.

Nostalgia.

Yeah.

The first time I had a flame-grilled rack of ribs,

I thought I was truly alive.

Tom, guess how many steps from my front door to a harvester?

It's a difficult one to guess, isn't it?

12.

Oh, no, you're gone pretty low, actually.

I think you knew that.

Yeah.

I'll get there in like a minute.

A minute?

Yeah.

So five miles an hour.

Walking speed.

It's pretty close.

I've never been in it.

I didn't even know there were harvesters anymore.

Oh, yeah.

Let alone near you.

Yeah, right near me.

You came home the other day.

Yeah, but I didn't go to the harvester.

You think I popped in for a prawn cocktail before I came over they don't do things like that do they at a harvester do they do a prawn cocktail you tell me well I always remember it you had the salad bar as a starter yeah and then you had a main course of mainly barbecued meat and chips salad bar is what I think of when I think about harvester I think of the salad bar yeah couchons and that's about it I don't even know about what else is there's a harvester in Ketchin I know I know that much and I have been there but I can't remember what I've had to eat oh I know the harvester you're talking about by the way do you I think so, yeah, I get past it quite often.

Have you been in there?

No.

I think it's where my dad might have proposed to my mum.

It wasn't a harvester at the time.

The harvester in Kettering?

No, the one near your house.

Oh, okay, okay, fine.

That was really exciting for a second there.

Yeah.

There's no...

Yeah, no, there's no connection to Kettering.

Your dad proposed to your mum in a harvester?

No, it was before it became a harvester ed.

On the former site where a harvester now stands.

Yeah.

What was it before it was a harvester?

I assume it was a pub independently owned, as things were in those Halcyon days.

Yeah.

So you want harvester bread?

No, I just said if it was there, you didn't specify what sort of restaurant you had.

This is a dream restaurant.

You can pick whatever you want from wherever in the world you want, the best bread you've ever had in your life.

You've never had in your whole life.

Okay, I did read the text message.

Another bit of skim reading has really not paid off for me today.

Listener, I was half an hour, 36 minutes late.

Because I did not read the text, even though I responded to the text that clearly said two, I thought in my mind I was convinced it was two.

You responded with, Great, see you at two.

Yeah,

do you know why I responded as I woke up?

I do that today because I had a late finish last night, so I slept in.

So I have to get nine hours and I have to shower for half an hour.

You have to have nine hours' sleep, yeah,

and you have to shower for half an hour.

I don't have to have that long, but as long as possible, I can't be rushed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like to be in the shower for a long time.

Have a good old thing.

Have a good thing.

Yeah.

Have a good old thing.

So, dream restaurant.

I walk in.

Do you know what I like?

Crispy sourdough bread.

Crispy sourdough bread.

And a small dish of butter, which has now got some salt in the top.

Yes.

Or I also enjoy the formality of sometimes, again, you mainly find this on continental Europe, a small silver dome over a dish.

That's not the presentational flair.

A little bit of presentational flair.

Would you like the waiter to take off the dome to present the butter?

Yes, and to make eye contact with the other waiters as he removes the other domes of butter.

They all look at each other as

they lift off the separate domes on different tables.

Yes, exactly.

It's very dramatic.

And then they do some sort of spin

and then they prop themselves up on a trolley that happens to be passing and they do a sort of high kick with both legs.

Love it.

That's all going to happen for you, Tom.

And they walk into the kitchen through the indoor and then out through the out door.

There's a lot of swinging of doors.

Maybe an angry chef comes out at one point.

What's going on in my kitchen?

Very

minimal experience for the diners.

They're just enjoying it all.

Was there somewhere where you had the best sourdough bread you've ever had?

I think it was in the Dean Street Townhouse.

So they've got amazing sourdough bread at the Dean Street Townhouse.

Yeah, they do.

To the extent that you might be tempted to go, oh, have you got any more?

But you're a fool if you do that.

Yeah.

Because you're

filling up on bread.

Let's move on to your starter, Tom.

Okay.

We get into the big leagues now.

I wonder what it's going to be.

We've already mentioned a lot of chains.

Yeah.

A lot of places that you like.

Harvester, Carlo, the Looch.

The Looch.

The Looch, thank you.

Where's this one coming from?

Okay, so I'm 17 years old.

I've taken the day off school because I've told the school I'm going to go and look at university in Exeter.

What I'm actually doing is I'm truanting with my next-door neighbours Gene and Dennis and my mum and dad.

Hollow?

Gene and Dennis?

Yes.

How old are they?

About 90 at the moment.

90?

19.

When you are 10 years ago, Jean is 90.

Dennis is 90, Jean is being a little bit of a 20.

When you were quite a lot younger, you were truanting.

How old were they at the time?

Early 70s.

You were truanting with a couple in their early 70s.

60s, 70s, yeah.

Gene and Dennis.

Gene and Dennis from the star.

Yeah.

Tom.

What I don't see what's in the stars.

I think you've got...

You've got to know what details in the stories need expanded on.

Aren't as normal as you think.

I was truanting with my neighbours, Gene and Dennis.

I don't think that's truanting.

What is it?

Well, going away with some responsible adults.

Okay, fine.

Yeah.

I guess if you were...

Were they like, you know,

let's bunk off school?

They came around the school gate.

No,

it was arranged with my mum and dad, who were coming as well.

So they were there as well?

Yeah, they were also part of the school.

So

why did you lie to the school?

Because I was embarrassed to say, please can I have a day off so I can go out to lunch.

So I said,

I'm going to go to Exeter University to have a look round on the open day.

Knowing full well, I had no intention of going all that way to university.

Didn't even want to go to university by that point.

But I was prepared to use it.

I never went to university.

So the four gang?

There's five of us.

Yep, Jean Dennis, Mum, Dad, me.

The Truance.

The Truance.

The Truance.

Absconding.

Not only from the school, but from the country.

Yeah.

From the country?

Because we were going to France.

We got up very early.

we got in the car um I think my dad may have borrowed a car at this point from his friends um so it was slightly bigger we went down we got the early ferry yeah on which we had a croissant which to me at this point was extremely one might say impossibly glamorous yeah then we arrived in Calais right we then went to a um supermache

What a truant thing.

That's the best.

Truanting.

For the most time, yeah.

Most people do truant.

They're like, you know, they go down like a car park and throw rocks at cars and stuff.

Hang around smoking with their mates.

You guys went to France with Gina Jennis.

You learned the word super marche.

You did more schoolwork on your truant day than you would have done in school.

I wasn't even doing A-level French.

Do you know what I mean?

Very, very dedicated.

We went to the Supermarche.

We stocked up on French produce.

wines

and then we went for lunch at a restaurant which I restaurant which I believe still stands, called La Chanel,

the Channel.

Right on the harbour side on France.

En Calais.

At Calais, Dons la Calais.

We were Trouanting.

We Trouant.

Trouant, the restaurant.

Jeanne and Denis.

Do you know what?

Dennis has only got one in.

So he is Denis.

He is Denis.

And we...

went in there, right?

Dennis speaks a bit of French because he went motorbiking around France after after the end of the Second World War.

Of course, he is a little victory lap.

A victory lap

on a motorbike.

And so he speaks a bit of French.

And we went in there and it was a classically formal French restaurant.

Have you ever been to one like that, James?

I think you have because I think your parents went to France.

A really formal one.

I don't think I have been to a really formal French restaurant.

Ed Gammell, have you been?

I feel like I have been.

They're sort of like high-back chairs,

very crisp white linen, a great formality of the service, which is an easy elegance about it.

Sit down in the window.

I didn't know what to make of it.

I was like, I've never been in a restaurant like this before.

An upholstered chair like it, I'd never been in it.

And then your teacher stormed in, Tom Allen,

get back into class.

I can't believe this.

I'm about to get a ferry here.

We followed you.

Hope you're honey with yourself.

And I was dragged back.

No.

Dennis ordered a

Gives Ramine.

Because

it's an Alsace wine.

And it's French.

Not Gevestra Maine.

Because Alsace, of course, very contentious area.

If you know Second World War.

And.

Which Dennis did, of course.

Which was Dennis did.

And

Givestra Mine,

delicious wine.

And I was ordered the Fuis de Mer.

Have you ever had the Fuis de Mer?

Fruits of the Sea, if you are a fire.

Fruits of the Sea.

If you will.

Seafood.

Seafood.

If you want to be be unbearably plebeian.

I'm just for our listener who might not have had Fris de Mer before.

Fruit de Mer.

Tom had Fris de Mer avec Gine and Denis when he was trending from École.

I feel like you did A-level French, Ed.

No, I didn't.

I did French to Whitley E-level, which is like one in between GCSE and A-level.

So what?

We had to do at our school was do GCSE French a year early, and then we got a chance to do like a diploma-level French past GCSE or take Russian.

Ed?

And I took E-level French.

What are you talking about?

What?

E-level?

E-level, that's what I was doing.

I think it was E-level, yeah, yeah.

I've got my E-levels.

I did, yeah, GCSE French, and then the year after that, when everyone else in our age group was taking GCSE French, we took an extra level of French.

Hmm.

You guys seem quite angry about this.

No, I don't know how I feel about it.

I don't know how I feel.

Okay, okay.

Well,

I didn't do French.

I was too busy truanting in Belgium.

Where they speak Flemish.

Yeah, yeah.

Very good at Flemish.

Tom, what was on the fruit?

Was it like a platter of different seafoods?

Yeah, and the best bit for me was the oysters, which I'd never had before.

And I'd always fancied myself as somebody who would like oysters.

And you know what?

I was correct.

I really loved them.

Some people, they make me feel sick.

I love them.

I love them.

I love them.

And I had one with shallot vinegar, had one with just lemon juice and had one with Tabasco.

And I loved all of them equally.

And I still think about that moment of having oysters straight, like in your gob, the taste of the sea.

Yeah.

And I think because I was so, you know, when you try something when you're a small child and you feel sort of proud of yourself, if you like, did you get that?

Yeah.

You were kind of fussy eater as a child.

I wasn't a fussy eater, but like, I definitely, when I would, like, try something new, uh, that, like, I think my parents would, you know, try and encourage that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, well, you know, like, you know, you feel like you're a bit of a grown-up.

Yes, yeah.

so you were like trying trying something new that you wouldn't normally try I definitely felt proud of myself as a as a child for not being one of the fussy kids because you see all your friends who are like really fussy and they don't eat that they don't like that they only they only eat this and I'd be like that's not me I eat everything yeah even to the point I remember being at um like I think it was at a wedding and they were like when I was probably seven or eight and they had kit

kids food

they had food for the kids so they had the full spread for the adults like like poached salmon I remember was on there and then they had the kids food which was like fish fingers chicken dippers oven chips no way and I remember my my mum had to go and say can he have the adults food because he's not gonna eat he's not gonna eat this

can he have a bit of can he have a bit of poached salmon

the most precocious eight-year-old you've ever met in your life

I applaud it and I applaud it Lauren Harry's walking around

I um yeah I always felt like I was praised when I tried something new and I liked it.

And I think even at the age of 17, I still had a bit of that.

Yeah.

Oysters, what are we talking?

Straight down, one bite?

One bite.

One bite and down.

I think the first one it might have been straight down, which is actually not the way you should eat them.

No.

Well, you're wasting it.

Yeah, and I think they're also still alive.

Really?

Yeah, I think so.

What?

I think they're still alive because they're just out of a shell.

They're like...

They're...

What are they?

Now I feel more weird about biting them.

I'd rather get them straight down than start.

What, What, and then have them live in your tummy forever?

Is that what happens, Tom?

Yeah.

They live in your tummy forever?

Forever.

Do they cling on?

What happens if you...

Are they really alive?

I don't know.

You hear rumours.

What?

I'll tell you what, I feel bad about if they are alive.

Splashing loads of vinegar on their face.

Oh, yeah.

Tabasco in the eyes.

You may as well just spray it with mace and then throw it in the bin.

Some people do that.

That is a traditional reason.

I have a feeling that the day you tunted from school, they were learning the voices of alive or not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got that pick.

Just so you know, kids, they are not alive when you eat them.

Please don't ever go through life with that in your head.

It's very important that we learn this now.

It's always my favourite assembly to deliver during the year.

Anyway, I'm glad you're all here today.

Bar, bar, what?

They'd say, I'm glad you're all here.

And then they'd be like, Alan, wake up.

And at the end, there's like a snoring tape machine.

Yeah.

Was it just oysters on the prawns?

No, there were Langersteins and I think some sort of Welks.

Some cockles.

Welks.

And yeah, some other sort of prawns as well.

Yeah.

Like other ambitious seafood.

So how big was this?

The thing about it is that's really exciting is that it...

It doesn't matter what's on it, really.

It's the fact that, oh, who's having the Frida Mayor?

They put down a stand and they put this massive dish on top of it.

And actually, I don't think I've ever had it since.

In my mind, it's too, even for me, it's too flamboyant.

It's almost like

banquet food in a cartoon, almost, isn't it?

It's like big prawns hanging over the edge.

Yeah, you can imagine them eating it in a castle.

So, how old are you again?

17, I think, yes.

Getting the Fruit de Mer.

Yeah, it's a good age for the Fuu deer.

Big old Fuid de Mer.

Big old Fuida Mer.

So, is that your starter?

Do you want the Fouis de Mer or just the oysters?

I want the Fuis de Mer.

Because I want the whole theatre.

You can have the Fu de Mer.

Also, off to a very strong start here.

you're starting the freedom air.

Oh, I'm pleased.

Yeah, it's great.

Yeah,

um, yeah, that would be.

I still can still taste them now.

But some people, this is an appalling choice in every way, though.

Some people get angry about this.

Probably.

People get angry, don't they?

People get angry about it.

People get angry about Freedom Air.

You can't really get angry about Freedom Air.

You can't literally shout.

I can't believe you're the Freedom Air.

He just doesn't sound angry as soon as you start saying it.

Yeah.

How did your parents feel about you getting the Freedom Mayor?

And same question for Gene and Dennis.

Gene and Dennis were delighted to introduce me to my first Fuida Mare.

Mum and dad, I imagine, saw it as the culmination of,

to this point, a lifetime of

precocious

unbearableness.

Of course, of course you're getting their Fuida Mare.

Yeah, I think they were like, oh yeah, I bet, yeah, I bet, yeah, you like that, yeah, I bet you like that,

you, yeah, it's expensive, that's why.

It's probably their idea if you're the truant from school, let's just get a bit of rebellion in him and get him to be a badass, and then like, right, we'll do whatever you want.

Can't get the Freedom Air in him.

Can we go to France?

I'd like the Freedom Mayor.

What?

I'm a buckshag.

You are truanting.

You will have a fag.

Can Gene and Dennis come?

What the f-

Fucking old people!

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Move on to your main, your main course.

Well,

I mean, who knows?

I mean, this is

such a beginning already.

So, the main.

The main.

Now,

I mean, I bet everybody says this, like, one is slightly torn on this one

because there's so many options.

Yes.

But one thing I do remember was having Japanese food in Philadelphia.

Yeah.

Wow.

What lesson were you skipping at this point?

Which particular old couple were you with?

And actually I've gone to stay with my Auntie June.

And

who lived in Philadelphia, or just outside.

And actually, no, I met up with some comedy friends of mine from New York and they wanted to go to Philadelphia.

They wanted to go for dinner rather to this Japanese restaurant.

Restaurant.

And I wasn't, I mean, I like the idea of Japanese food, but I've never really had it at this point.

It was amazing.

And you know what?

It was really amazing.

Tiny little amounts and I'd never felt so full.

Yeah.

You have a lot of different small dishes, did you?

I had a lot of different small dishes.

And for your main, is this what you're wanting?

Loads of different small dishes yeah is that cheating lose sanders did it we let her lose and did it to but it was all horrible everything she picked was horrible so i think we've got to let you have it because it sounds like it's going to be actually nice the mate you want the main course thing to be quite fulfilling quite filling i think that's what you want but but only because of the name really yeah oh that's my take on it and i always think like i'd love to go to somewhere really you know one of those really fashionable really fancy restaurants that it's hundreds of pounds but i always think i don't think my palate is sophisticated enough right like i think i'd just gobble it all down

Let's go for a kebab.

Like one of those people who are like, oh, you come out of there, you're hungry afterwards.

I have to stop in the kebab shop.

And sadly, I think I would be one of those.

Yeah, not to say fight it.

But yeah, like things like wagyu beef.

Yeah.

Here's something interesting.

Wagyu.

Yeah.

Obviously, everyone goes, oh, wagyu beef.

That's amazing beef.

Just means Japanese beef.

Oh, well, what's the other one that's

there's kobe.

Kobe beef.

So wagu means it's just Japanese, which I think generally Japanese beef is better anyway.

Yeah.

But then it's the region that it's from is the important thing.

So kobe is the really super expensive one.

Kobe.

It was very thin slices of kobe beef.

And it was exquisite.

I've never had anything like it.

I've never had it.

What was it taste like?

It's so different.

Very fatty, right?

It was so, there were like slithers of it.

And I think it was with soy sauce or a combination of soy sauce using things

like I'd never had anything quite like it.

It was just like tender and because you have so little of it you have to appreciate it.

Yeah, and that's the other thing we miss when we have like

such a I have the word there and I've lost it a lot of something an abundance an abundance

on James

that sometimes the temptation is go well I've got to get through this because as a child I was always told you have to finish what's on your plate.

Yeah.

Otherwise you're a bad and you're not savouring.

You're not savouring then if you're just getting through it.

So you're just getting, I think, yeah, I remember being like made to get through it.

And things like Shepherd's Pie, which I still hate.

Hate it.

What if it was made with Kobe beef?

Then I would delight it.

I would love it.

That was my first

cooking class at school.

Kobe beef.

In food check years.

Wow, Katerin's really gone downhill.

No, it was Shepherd's Pie,

but it was

ready meal Shepherd's Pie.

What?

What?

So the first first lesson was that we had to bring in a ready meal

and make it.

That was so

when you said that me and Tom said what?

Exactly the same time.

And they looked at each other and looked away.

That was so good.

What a waste.

What a waste.

This is proper.

Audio.

Probably like a film.

I felt like I was in a scene in the film.

It was so good what we just did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Looking at me, what?

Ice popping, both to each other, both back at me again.

I've read you had to bring in a ready meal.

Yeah, so I bought my

gun.

I bought in a Shepherd's Pie ready meal and they showed me how to cook that in the oven or the microwave.

Did you all have to bring in Shepherd's Pie or do you have to just bring in any ready meal?

We all had to choose a ready meal, but I remember I chose Shepherd's Pie and it was the saltiest thing I'd ever eaten at that point.

It was so salty.

Why was this what people sold in?

My parents asked the same question when we were doing it.

Your parents who are teachers themselves.

Yeah, who were teachers themselves.

Like, what is going on?

Why are you learning to teach this?

I just want to let people know, I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with having a ready meal if that's what you've got time for, if that's, you know, the sort of food that you want to have.

Totally.

Sure, this program isn't about being a foodie snob.

No, not at all.

Like, if you want a ready meal, fine, you can have a lovely ready meal, right?

But in terms of food tech, surely the thing you start with is preparing a basic meal before.

I think it's preparing a turbot, right?

To start

the Emperor of the Sea.

Yeah, yeah, it's like, that's normally what it is.

But yeah,

that was it.

It's one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten as well.

I mean, that's what I mean, though.

Like, Jamie Oliver really took it as a passion project.

But when he went around like school canteens and was basically like, maybe we shouldn't feed our children like

what falls on the floor of an abattoir.

And was people like, how dare you, how dare you try and tell us what to do, how to bring up our kids.

And he was like, I'm not.

I'm just saying it would be healthier if maybe you just made a tomato sauce with some wholemeal pasta.

Ah, get out, get out!

Our kids love turkey guts.

So you've got this Japanese selection.

Wagyu beef.

Wagyu beef, tempura vegetables.

I believe there was some black cod there as well.

Oh.

Black cod.

Miso black cod?

Yeah.

Oh,

I still can't hear people say miso without thinking of everything they're saying about themselves.

They're referring to what they are.

I will never be able to get it out of my head.

I'd like to get it it out of my head.

Miso black cod, I think I've only had miso black cod once, and it's incredible.

It's quite, do you know what though?

Because we were sharing, it was quite awkward.

There were fumers around the table, it's quite awkward to go in for like a slice of it because it can sometimes crumble.

Yes, then you're embarrassed and you go back to it.

But you don't want to be the crumbling.

Oh, getting something like some

fish, some flaky fish

with some chopsticks is pretty difficult.

It's intense and precautious.

It's quite difficult.

Especially if it's far away, but the picture you're painting now of reaching across the table to get the flaky fish and you've got to bring it back to the plate, that's very, very stressful.

Yeah.

Also, I think we had some sort of salad which had some sort of delicious leaf in it.

Moving straight on from it, not even indulging me.

The salad, was it like a seaweed?

Was there seaweed in it?

No, it was like a herb in it.

And I think something like yuzu, but it wasn't yuzu.

It was,

it had like a citrusy flavour though, this herb.

It was wonderful.

A sad wonderful.

I would also like to say, other options I considered for this were.

Honourable muncheons, we call those.

Please don't cut out that pause.

You were doing a shit.

It was like you suddenly

had a full poo.

Actually, just shit myself.

Just about to come out with it.

Oh,

you stopped.

And then he was like, one moment, please.

His face

No,

honourable munchant by proxy.

I was going to say when I went to Germany and I did some gigs.

Did you ever do those gigs in Munich?

No.

No.

Really fun.

They took us out afterwards and

we had steak and we had mac.

You know when you're hungry and it's late at night and it's freezing cold outside.

We had steak.

Which was amazingly cooked.

They called it noodles, but to my mind it reminded me of macaroni macaroni cheese.

And then, pork knuckle.

Have you ever had pork knuckle like they do in Germany?

I've had pork knuckle.

It is like roast pork, but with loads of salt on the outside.

Oh, yeah.

And with really stodgy mashed potato, and then some sort of gravy.

And I don't normally like gravy.

But that meal was one of my favourite mains, and I still think about that.

The other one is when it was my dad's birthday, and we seldom went out to restaurants or for takeaways because they were seen as indulgent.

But we would often get the takeaway menu.

The takeaway things from Marks and Spencer's food haul.

And I remember when we first had Krispy Duck.

Yes.

Yes.

And that blew my

probably nine-year-old mind.

Oh, I think I was exactly the same the first time I had it.

I think Krispy Duck still blows my mind.

Yeah.

Every time they have it.

Yeah.

It's such a treat.

It still feels like a treat, doesn't it?

Yeah.

There are some foods where the first time you have them, no matter who you are, it's...

is mind-blowing.

Yeah.

Krispy Duck is absolutely one of them.

I mean, everyone, the first time they had Krispy Duck, was like, what is this?

I'd say

fried chicken the first time you have it.

Yeah.

Completely.

First time I had KFC.

I was going to say KFC.

So the first time I had fried chicken, I was like, this is insane.

Like, this is the best food I have ever had.

Did you have it quite recently?

No.

Do you mean...

I only had it within the last five years I had KFC.

For the first time?

Yeah.

Oh, no, I had it for the first time.

Yeah, I think I'm the same as you, Tom.

I think KFC was never an option.

It wasn't as when I was young.

No one was like going, oh, we'll go and get some fast food.

We'll go to KFC.

It was McDonald's or Burger King.

It was McDonald's or Burger King.

Yeah, KFC was always considered the absolute no-go, I think.

Yeah, I don't know.

But now there's posh fried chicken.

Yeah.

Well, mind-blowingly good fried chicken.

I remember having some, I'm a bit obsessed with chicken wings, and I love buffalo chicken wings

so much.

And also, I love

Korean-flavoured.

Korean chicken wings.

I don't know quite what the flavourings are in it, but it's one of the things.

With like a really thick red sauce on it.

Yeah.

I think it's based, like the main bit of the sauce is gotcha jang, which is like the fermented chili paste.

Oh, it's so good.

It's so good.

I've not been to Crip.

I had.

I hope to go one day.

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A side dish.

Side dish.

Um, carrot balls.

I

was in

Las Vegas.

And

I nearly did a joke about carrot balls being my nickname.

Didn't do it.

Yeah.

Oh, I got in a bit quick then, sorry.

People call me ginger and stuff or whatever online.

And I thought it was a carrot ball.

I was going to do a joke about Naked Snowman, so carry on.

Yeah, yeah.

And why do people call you Ginger?

You're not Ginger?

I think I am.

I think a lot of the time under studio or stage lighting, I look like Ginger.

Yeah, which is your natural home.

Yes, mine is where I reside.

And so people think that I'm ginger.

And then I don't.

When ginger people especially tweet me being like, Good to see one of our own on T V,

I don't wanna

be a party pooper.

Oh yeah, that's sad if people think that.

Scotsman wrote an article about me once and the headline was ginger ambition.

Really?

Yeah,

it doesn't make sense and it's just not a thing, is it?

What was the expression thing?

that I didn't even got not done?

Ginger ambition.

I didn't even recognise that.

What, the little laugh?

No, I didn't even recognise the fact that that doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense.

Ginger.

I don't even know what it's play on.

It's naked ambition.

Naked ambition.

Naked ambition.

Also, you're not.

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't be like James Acaster, very ambitious.

No, no.

No, that's the thing.

The article isn't even about fat.

It's not even like, it's not me saying I'm ambitious or I want to achieve.

Ginger nut might be fun.

You were really quirky.

If you were really like...

Yeah, call me that if you want.

No?

Ginger ambition.

Lol Weasley, that makes as much sense.

Yeah.

That would have been a good one.

I would have read that article.

Yeah, you would have liked that.

Ginger ambition, though, that's nice.

But carrot balls.

I've never had carrots that were like this.

They were like

short and fat and they were cooked in a lot of butter and they were delicious.

And it was served in, I think it's called the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas.

And

they were just wonderful.

I never got so excited.

I think they were roasted in butter.

So they were carrots that I'd like, they had, they've tasted of carrot in a way that I hadn't experienced before.

Are they sh I'm trying to work out?

Are they just like naturally fat, ball-like?

I think they're like some sort of organic.

They're not like melon balls.

No, they were not delivered with a baller.

No, no.

My mum and and dad had a melon baller, which on the other end was a butter

thing for making butter curls.

Never saw it used, though.

Never saw it used.

No.

I was going to say, you grew up in a BNB.

Yeah.

I mean, it's sort of thing I would have loved to have used, but no.

I bet you'd run a great BNB.

Yeah, I was going to say that.

You'd definitely win like celebrity for it a bed.

I

would

be very stressful for the guests, though, if they didn't.

Do you think that I'd want them to behave exactly as I wanted them to behave?

I don't know about that.

No.

Don't sit there, please.

Right, you haven't bitten that.

It's alive in your stomach.

I don't know why

you don't eat your breakfast oysters properly.

Why were you in Las Vegas?

Were you just on holiday?

Just on a holiday.

On a little holiday to Las Vegas.

Have you been?

No.

It's great.

I'd really like to go.

Las Vegas on a holiday.

I wouldn't.

I'm full of surprises.

Yeah.

That's the least of my surprises.

And what did Gene and Dennis think of the carrot balls?

Gene and Dennis.

I went with a friend of mine.

And we were both delighted because we'd never had carrots like it.

Don't they sound nice?

Because I think, like, boiled carrots makes me feel sad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, my mum will sometimes do boiled carrots on a Sunday lunch, and I'm always like, no, I don't want that.

And I don't understand why we can't have roasted carrots.

What do you say to her when she gives you the carrot ball?

No, I don't want that.

Why am I finding all of your reactions so funny, Tom?

No, I don't know.

So these, I still, I'm not clear what these are.

These carrot balls.

They're just fat carrots, right?

They're just fat carrots.

I've never seen anything like them, so I mean, they will be impossible to imagine.

But they were,

they were sort of carrots that were, maybe I'm doing with my hand.

What is that?

I don't know what that is.

Ten centimetres?

Was it three inches?

He is a lad.

That's why you get called a lad, mate.

Is that why?

Because I'm always going in

measurements of carrots.

And

roasted in butter.

Roasted in butter somehow, but they've got burning bits.

Burnt bits of skin.

Oh, yes.

I love burning bits.

I love them.

Burny bits.

When we all realised that actually burnt stuff tastes great and it's not.

Yeah, it's not a bad thing.

The other

Honourable Munchens by proxy

is...

I'm referencing Munchausen by proxy, but I just realised what is that?

Is Is that something I'm saying?

Where you're saying by proxy?

I get it now.

But what is it?

Munchausen's by proxy is a psychological disorder where

quite often I think

so parents will take in their children and say to the hospital and say they're really ill but constantly and they're not ill but they've just got this issue that they're sort of putting through their children.

So they have a proxy.

Oh, that's the proxy.

Yeah.

It happens on casualty all the time.

And I remember because my mum used to be a nurse and we'd watch casualty every week And then she'd diagnose things before they got diagnosed in the script.

That's kind of fun.

So she'd be like, Munchausen's by proxy.

First of all.

Yeah.

Would you like that with 999 as well?

Yeah, exactly like that.

She's just like, he's got a snooker key through his head.

Munchausen's by proxy.

Munchausen's by proxy.

Go to bed, Ed.

You're ill.

So, Ed, I'm going to take you to the hospital in the morning.

So that.

The other one I was going to say is when I was on holiday in Crete this year, my friend took me to a restaurant in the mountains.

We were overlooking the sea.

It was amazing.

And we had it to ourselves, no one else was there.

We ordered two side dishes.

One was a,

I don't know if it's Greek or Cretan,

but it was, I think, hotter, which as I understand is sort of a green, like a sort of cabbage.

But then they serve it with lemon juice and olive oil.

Loads of salt.

Very nice.

But then we had mushrooms, which had been barbecued, covered in lemon juice, olive oil, and salt.

There's a theme.

The burniness of these oyster mushrooms, which have been splayed on the barbecue, cooked through, covered in these ingredients, again, was probably.

Actually, yeah, I think actually those mushrooms probably beat the carrot balls.

Probably one of the nicest things I've ever done.

Did I want to change it to the mushrooms?

Yeah, I don't want to change it to the mushrooms.

With a vegan, mushrooms, really good.

And where did you have them again?

Crete.

Crete.

Country.

Crete mushrooms.

Thank you.

Whenever I say Crete, it's Velga's.

I think your food tech glasses have me in there.

To drink, sir.

I think I would like...

Oh, where was I when I had this?

It was the first time I'd had a nice red wine, and I think it was a New Zealand Maubeck, if that's a thing.

And I remember it being quite extraordinary.

And I don't know much about wine, really, but I like expensive ones.

And this was my favorite, most expensive one.

It had this kind of like almost smoked taste about it this sort of woody taste which probably is quite repulsive to some people but I really liked it and I never had anything like that you know it doesn't have that harshness to it

and I do like wine I like maybe one to two glasses of wine

I sometimes have more than that and I always regret it oh I never do I never regret it Ed loves having a whole bottle of wine to himself

oh yes please oh yes get your hands on my bottle that's what I say oh

like that is it where where what sort of wines do you like oh I'm trying all different types at the moment.

Again, I don't know much about it, but I quite enjoy it.

At the moment, I'll reach for an Italian, maybe like a Barolo.

Yeah, but what would you think?

I've got to leave gaps for the innuendo.

A Barolo or something like that.

That's her name, isn't it?

Lovely lads.

No, why don't they call me Lads?

Such a lad.

Oh, is that very heavy?

Quite heavy, quite fruity.

Oh.

Dark and fruity.

Go on.

I like agronised a cereal.

You missed it, absolutely.

I said dark and fruity.

Oh, that's what they call me in the Scotsman.

As accurate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dark and fruity.

Oh.

Yeah, so some sort of red wine.

Like whenever I have a hangover, which is not so often, but whenever I do, I think I've got to never drink again.

I've got to be somebody who doesn't drink.

And then I get offered a glass of red wine and then I go but I couldn't give you up

and maybe that's not ideal well no it's okay but I've uh have you always been into wine like or has it been

a small child well I don't to be honest Tom you're the only person on this podcast I would have to ask that to yeah I can imagine you truant in from school with a glass of red yeah excuse me I had to go down to my local wine tasting

I

remember liking black coffee as a child, so I think it started there.

The sort of like not afraid of kind of quite adult flavours.

That's really funny that you like black coffee as a child.

Now I'm imagining you as a little like PI.

Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee.

Oh, no one can speak to me until I've had my coffee.

Tom, you're four.

I know.

That's the worst of it.

Are you a pudding boy?

I mean,

I have have been, yeah.

You have been?

Well, I've done, I feel like this is the most difficult course for me.

Oh, right, okay.

Because of being involved with programmes that centre around

puddings and desserts and stuff.

You're for people who don't know, which

is if they don't.

But

you are deeply embroiled in the Craig British Bake Off.

Well, in that, I well, at the moment, I'm co-hosting a bake-off for the Professionals with my friend Liam Charles.

And

also, I have been doing some things for an extra slice, which is part of

the Great British Bake Off franchise.

I was on an episode of that with you.

Indeed, you were, James.

The Vegan Week.

That was a very interesting week.

I thought I was on my best behaviour.

I was not.

I got a tweet.

So you were saying that sometimes maybe people

get angry at you.

Yeah.

Online for being mean about the cakes, because you're mean about the cakes, aren't you?

Yeah, sometimes they can be.

Sometimes you're just light-heartedly mean about the cakes.

I wasn't mean about the cakes, I thought I'd been quite a nice boy.

Someone tweeted at me saying, My mum says you were incredibly rude on Great British Bacon, extra slice, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Wow.

And I was in normally, I don't respond to tweets like that.

But there's nothing worse than being told my mum says.

Yeah, I was in quite a cheeky mood.

So I replied saying, Your mum is total garbage.

Oh,

how did that go?

She replied to me.

She replied to me saying,

You just proved her point.

That's so, so rude, and you should know better because

my moment is you should know better because you're middle-aged and you should know better.

Wow, that is a slam from that.

Is shots fired from the mum.

You should really know better as a middle-aged gingerbad.

Yeah.

So to that, when I replied, I said,

How old does your garbage mum think I am?

And so this got on for a long time.

And she'd keep on sending me stuff going, this is exactly what she's talking about.

This is so rude of you.

And then at one point, I just sent her a gif of a bin lorry that was, has

the bin attached to it and was like wildly flinging rubbish across the street.

I said her that at one point.

And

it all culminated in her eventually sending me a poorly photoshopped picture.

It was the top half of the person's body was my body.

Me from the waist up.

The bottom half, she'd just photoshopped an old man on a Zimmer frame, but just got legs and a Zimmer frame with hands.

So it looked like

my legs I had a Zimmer frame.

Then she'd done a speech bubble coming out of her mouth, and she'd written,

My name is Old Man Acaster, and I've never learnt manners in my waste of my life.

Wow.

Sounds like I've been on Extra Slice.

That is quite an extreme experience.

I don't know if all of the guests have that.

No, I've never been on extra slice, Tom.

Okay.

And if there's a worry that because I'm a type 1 diabetic, I wouldn't enjoy my time on the show or I wouldn't have anything to add.

I just want to put everyone's minds at ease that that's not the case.

If it's because I'm not famous enough, fair cop.

Well, I'm not responsible for the booking.

Well, you're the only person, you're the closest to the booking team that we've had on the podcast.

Okay, well, if you're very keen, I would suggest you send in a letter.

Okay, because I have the address.

what's the address um bake off an extra slice yes um 47 yes

cake street

uh

kettering because it sounds like catering yeah kt i thought i got it yeah k t

99 yes f l k okay f l k for flaky yeah

now everyone's gonna send in a letter who's heard this and i'm never gonna get on

So I have had a lot of cakes and I've had a lot of desserts off the back of Bake Off for the Professionals.

Not off the back of.

That suggested I was rummaging through the bit.

Or do they do it like sort of Japanese sushi style where someone lies down and you all eat off their bodies?

Oh, like Samantha did in Sex in the City.

I don't expect you to get that reference in.

I do.

I've seen it.

Have you?

I've seen Sex of the City before.

Have you?

Yeah.

Which one would you be?

Oh, none of them.

I think they're all awful.

Not the expensive.

Monica.

Okay.

Good answers, folks.

So I would say, still, my favourite thing is some sort of pastry tart with some sort of custard inside.

Preferably like a lemony custard.

I like it to be gooey.

And I like for the pastry to be crispy.

A lemon custard tart or like a tartea citron.

One might call it a tartea citron

But was I there with you you James when I had a disappointing one

I think so I think I might have seen you eat a disappointing Tartar Citron

I sent it back yes I sent it back

because

pastry a short crust pastry should be short should be crispy should have a crunch to it almost

and this one had a soft doughy undercooked disappointing texture and I sent it straight back.

Was this on Bake Off the Professional?

No, this was in real life with James A.

Custer.

Whereabouts were you?

In Westfield Carluchi's.

I sent them an email.

Oh, I was in the looch.

I didn't want to bring it up, but I was there.

I sent an email almost on the spot.

Yes.

I got a response.

Things went back to normal from there.

Did they send you any vouchers or anything?

No, I would have declined them.

I do not agree with.

Just because I'm improving the world doesn't mean I have to get paid for it.

Right, okay.

Good slogan.

Good slogan.

A Tarto Citrond then for dessert.

Yes, but an excellent one.

An excellent

the bench?

Yeah, where's the benefit?

We've got to get this in.

Because I don't want it getting...

We've never had an item sent back in this dream restaurant, and I don't want to get this from wrong with the Tato Citron.

You know what?

I think when Paul's petisserie first opened in London...

Yes.

And you mean just that the petisserie is just called Paul's, you're not talking about your friend Paul Hollywood?

I've only met him once, so I would not deign to call him a friend.

The petisserie Paul's, which at one point rather ubiquitously, is that the right word?

It's everywhere?

opened in all the stations, I think, really compromised the brand.

Before that, it had a very traditional Parisian feel about it in its original Coffin Garden shop, and I would often walk past it on my way to Charing Cross station.

So, on high days and holidays, I would pop in, spend sometimes in the region of £12 on cake unheard of in my family,

would take Hoban.

would take would take Hoban, would take home a selection of cakes, one of which was Dota Citron.

I think it was the first time I had it.

I really enjoyed it.

So that one.

The Paul's Tartar Citron.

You

will

also notice that is another word where I drop the N.

Ah, citron.

Tarta Citron.

In the restaurant.

In the restaurant.

When I was drawn.

OG Paul's Tartar Citron.

OG?

Original gangster.

The OG Paul's.

Correct.

Yes.

Original Gangster Paul's.

Yeah.

Tartar Citron.

Correct.

With

a sour sort of yogurt with it or something, or like a spoonful of something like that.

Tom is not looking at Ed like he's a piece of shit.

Cream, egg cream, any cream?

Any cream, Tom?

Any cream?

I guess it could be permissible to have some sort of cream, or maybe a cream for each.

That's what I meant.

I think I meant creme frache.

However, I do not care for it.

I'm a pure.

Well, you don't have to have it.

It's your dream restaurant.

We wouldn't bring you some creme frache and then you have to scrape it off.

There's no scraping.

Is that why I've had to scrape, yeah?

There's no scraping in the dream restaurant.

I don't like it.

I don't really like cream, actually.

No.

I find it very um I don't like milk.

I just why would you put that on a thing?

If it's sweetened and given a texture.

I'm all about the texture.

Oh, I don't yeah, I don't like the pouring cream on stuff.

I don't I don't like strawberries.

The way people bang on about strawberries and cream.

Yeah, it was ridiculous.

No one really loves strawberries and cream, do they?

No.

I think it's like a punishment.

It's like it's like yeah, it's like pouring milk on it, it's like eating a bowl of cereal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How is you if you've got a lovely tart or a cheesecake or something, you pour a jug of cream on it.

Oh, it just looks so stupid.

Stupid.

It actually does look stupid.

Yeah.

It looks stupid, doesn't it?

People do that.

They pour it over and you're saying, oh, that's going to be soggy.

You're sogging up the bass.

That's all you're doing.

That's all you're doing.

I'm going to go on to the base, sog the bass up.

Sog the bass.

Yeah, yeah.

That's all you're doing.

Yeah.

I'd like some squirt.

I'd take squirty cream any day over that.

Yeah, have you ever double crept?

Or a big dollar butter.

What about the game?

Have you ever thought like

squirty cream?

What are you talking about?

Straight in your mouth.

It's disgusting.

Squirty cream is absolutely disgusting.

I'd take it over pouring cream, right, Tom?

I would.

I would.

Yeah.

I absolutely would.

Yeah.

Sometimes with a

glasse cherry popped in the top.

Ooh.

I don't know what happened there, but I love it.

James, read him his order.

Tom.

This is the bill, is it?

Yeah.

No, you have to pay.

We actually give you the food, but you do have to pay for it.

Okay.

You would like some sparkling water to start.

You would like some crispy sourdough bread as your bread.

Starter you would like Fruit de Mer.

Fruit de Mer

de Mer

from Truant Day.

Yep.

With Jean and Denis.

May you would like some Japanese small plates from Philadelphia.

Yes.

Side you would like some mushrooms from Crete.

Yes.

You would like an NZ Malbeck.

Sure.

And dessert you would like a tartu citron from Paul's.

Correct.

That's delicious.

That's a good meal.

Do you feel good about that?

It went back to you?

Yeah, I mean, part of me thinks, should I have gone for something, you know, slightly meatier in the main course to sort of give you that feeling of like, oh, I feel sick.

I wish I wish I'd had it all.

Which is what you really want from a good meal.

It's all I want from a really posh meal.

But actually, I think there's something nice about just having just the right amount.

I think you could have that as a lunch and then get on with your day.

That's it, isn't it?

As they would, I imagine, in France.

Something like that.

Not too many comments.

You could go back to school for afternoon lessons.

I'd be back and I'd be raring to go.

Yeah.

Thank you very much, Tom.

Thank you, Tom.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That was the menu of Tom Allen.

Fancy.

Very fancy.

I loved all the stories connected with it.

The story of Truanting with an elderly couple will probably go down enough menu history as the best reason for picking a starter.

The Fuy de Mer.

I really loved the fact that you chose that.

Yeah.

That was the story behind it.

That's Tom Allen at his most rebellious.

Also, picking Fuid de Mer, I didn't say this at the time, Fuis de Mer, right, you would want to eat that near the sea.

And I thought, oh, he's done that.

He's not, he's eating it next to the channel.

It doesn't feel like what they're pulling out of the channel.

Yeah, it's the thing.

That's very disgusting.

Very disgusting.

The old fish that they've scooped up there.

A tartar citron at the end.

A glass of red wine.

Very fancy.

Japanese small plates.

What was the beef?

Wagu beef.

From Kobe?

From Kobe.

Fancy meal, fancy guy.

Yeah.

Lovely Lovely gentleman.

Excellent comedian.

Wonderful presenter.

If you want to see more of him, Tom's always on tour, he's always doing gigs, but also you can watch Bake Off the Professionals, Extra Slice, depending on what's currently on TV when you're listening to this podcast.

He did an episode of your show Hypothetical as well, didn't he, James?

He was absolutely excellent on Hypothetical.

He was on episode one.

That's how good he was.

We opened the whole series with him.

It was very funny.

So you can watch that on UK TV play.

You can come and see me on tour.

I'd imagine if you go on to edgamble.co.uk forward slash gigs, check out my social media at gamble comedy and also the off menu social media at off menu official on Twitter and Instababy.

Instaby, you don't have Insta, you're not an Instaman.

No, no, not Instaman, but I can still say Insta Baby with the best of them.

You can indeed.

What are you up to at the moment, James?

Uh, probably touring, and um,

yeah, hyperfeticals on UK TV play.

See you next week.

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