Ep 35: Daisy May Cooper

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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And if you cook the podcast just for two minutes on each side, you can make sure that the center is really funny.

Hello, James.

Ed, good.

Pleasure to see you.

Lovely to see see you, mate.

This is the Off Menu Podcast, of course.

Oh, can't wait.

I love the Off Menu Podcast.

It's where we ask a guest what their favourite ever started main course dessert side dish and drink is.

Yes, it is indeed.

And we have a very special guest this week.

Yes.

Who do we have this week, James?

Daisy Cooper.

Daisy Cooper, of course.

From this country.

This country, a fantastic TV show.

It's an amazing.

If you haven't watched it, you've got to catch up.

You've got to watch all the episodes, baby.

It's an extremely funny show.

And she is chatting to us, of course, about her dream meal and also about her book that she's released.

This is this country.

This is this country.

Her and Charlie Cooper, of course, also from this country, have written a book together.

So that's very exciting.

And we will be chatting to Daisy today about her dream meal.

But, James,

if she says a secret ingredient that we have established, she will be removed from the restaurant.

Absolutely.

No ifs, no buts, no coconuts.

Actually, coconuts are allowed.

Coconuts are allowed.

It's no ifs, no buts, no celeriac.

What even is it?

What is it?

I mean, you often see it in a remillard, and I don't even know what that is.

Yeah, the whole thing is confusing.

I used to work in a pub where we did celeriac, and it was

a little bit of a nibble every now and again, and

I mainly

as I'll go back to it trying to figure out what it was, what it's meant to taste of.

No, it's just annoying.

Celeriac mash, that just seems like you're tricking people into thinking they're having potato.

Yeah, just give them potato, please.

And you're the mash king.

I'm the mash king.

I'll tell you what, I would not let Soleric anywhere near my mash pot.

No, thank you very much.

It's weird, it's bitter, it's not allowed in the restaurant today.

Talking of the mash king, though.

Yes, sir.

Big thank you.

And sorry that I haven't got it to hand and can't remember the young man's name, but big thank you to the two young men who made me my mash crown.

I saw this.

It was quite the piece of work.

Yes,

it's a metal crown with genuine, like, the ends of different potato mashers, different styles of potato masher.

As the

little spiky bits on the crown.

Yeah.

Just going around, all round.

Totally fits me.

They made it properly themselves in a workshop.

It looks fantastic.

There's a photo of me with it there.

Ash Porter.

Thank you, Ash Porter.

I really do love the mash crown.

It's currently on display in my flat.

Of course it is.

It's so up your street.

It's not true.

Yeah.

What I liked is before he gave it to me, he went, every now and again you'll notice that every now and again you know you might have someone come to a game go oh i've got you something and it's always oh yeah okay and then like look at it and often it's quite creepy yeah

but but the you always know it's going to be a good one that you will genuinely like because the person

they kind of go oh hello i've got you something oh i'm worried it's weird now and then you go right this is a normal person

who recognizes the fact that it's a bit weird to give me something and then it's always brilliant and this guy was like oh, it's so weird actually Oh You don't have to keep it if you don't want to here it is I was like oh what the best thing I've ever seen Thank you very much.

Oh and actually

We'd like to say thank you to on Instagram at handmade by Jessica Jane who did a little cross stitch of the off menu logo Oh, a privilege a pleasure and a privilege.

Thank you.

It's amazing.

She put loads of time into it.

It looks brilliant.

A little card saying, thanks for the podcast.

Thank you so much.

Handmade by Jessica Jane.

I know that's not your real name.

I'm just giving people your Instagram handle.

Cross stitch is coming back in a big way, man.

Like, I tell you what, someone, someone in, I did a gig in

Birmingham, and an audience member gave me some cross-stitch beforehand of like

a rep.

I did a Netflix series called Repertoire.

Watch it.

And they did a cross stitch of that.

Expertly done.

If you're listening, thank you very much.

Cross stitch is back.

Next week we'll be launching our Cross Stitch podcast.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Off.

We don't know anything about cross-stitch.

So for now,

here is the off menu menu of Daisy Cooper.

Welcome, Daisy, to the Dream Restaurants.

Oh, thank you so much for having me.

Oh.

Welcome, Daisy.

We've been expecting you.

Now,

you've reliably informed us that you've listened to the podcast before, so you'll be aware that James is a a genie waiter.

Yes.

Yes.

What you weren't expecting is my sombrero.

He's a Mexican genie waiter today, apparently.

Yes.

I don't know what Spanish for genie is.

El Genie, I think.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Does that sound good?

That sounds good.

Do you speak any Spanish, Daisy?

No.

Okay, so we're going with El Genie.

El Genie.

Do you speak any other languages?

No, sorry.

I can say Le Oazo, which I think is bird in French.

And that's it.

That's the one.

That's the one.

It's amazing that you learned Le Woiseau, but then

you didn't think, I'll learn one other word.

You're like, I'll stick with bird.

That's all I need.

Why is that the one you've learned?

I don't know.

It just always stuck in my head.

I love the word Wazeau.

Because of Mr.

Woiseau.

Is that the guy Flat Eric?

Oh, my God.

No, that was...

Oh, what was his name?

I don't know what either of you is talking about right now.

O-I-Z-O.

Do you know who Flat Eric is?

I remember Flat Eric.

Brown.

Yeah, yeah.

So the guy does the music,

Mr.

O I Z O.

How do you feel about people who order in a second language?

If they're not.

Annoying.

I hate that.

No.

I just think it's a bit of a showy offy, is it not?

It is quite showy offy.

I did go to France and I asked for an une Pepsi and un croque monsieur, which is a bit.

I suppose it's half trying.

I mean, you're in France, yeah.

I'm in France, so try.

I mean, that's all right.

I think if you're in England in a French restaurant and then started ordering everything in French and then sort of smugly looking around the table at the rest of the diners,

I think that's different.

Unless a bird flies past, and then you can see what it is.

Louis.

Yeah, Louisau.

Yeah.

Although I do know also, actually, two other words: le Bouffe et le Pissine, which means the beef and the swimming pool.

Yeah.

What happened to you in France?

What a day.

What a day.

So you went for a swim and a bird dropped a bit of beef.

Joint of beef, yeah.

Yeah.

You had to quickly articulate yourself.

How do I tell the lifeguard what's going on right now?

I'm currently drowning because I'm holding this big bit of beef and I can't swim.

Is beef buoyant?

Could you use it as a float if you were in the swimming pool?

Well, can cows float?

I don't know if that's how it works, but depends how much, I guess, with the cow, they might they have like methane, don't they?

They probably have quite a lot of stuff in their stomach, so they probably do float.

Cows can't swim, though, right?

Yeah, I've never seen a cow swimming.

This is going to

sound like quite a dark story, which feel free to edit this out.

But

sometimes they kill pigs by throwing them in, because when pigs try and swim, they cut their own throats with their trotters.

What?

Living hell.

Bit bleak, isn't it?

What?

Hold on.

It's really obsessive.

Yeah, we're going to have to cut that out because we don't want to lose all our vegan listeners.

It's that they're trying to swim and so...

And their little hands are too

short.

And their trotters are short.

So they cut themselves up.

It's like something out of SOAR.

Oh my good gracious.

Well, I think all the vegans will be glad that we keep it in because that will turn other people vegan.

That's true.

Why do they do this?

I don't know if they do it anymore.

It's just something I heard once.

It all had a nightmare about it.

It is like in SOAR, isn't it?

I hope the pigs have at least done something bad.

What's French for the pig in the swimming pool?

Oh.

What is French for?

La Tragique?

I would think so.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was in two minds as to whether to tell that, and I don't think I made the right decision.

No, I'm done with my head.

No one likes hearing it, but we'll all tell it to other people.

Yeah, that's true.

It's one of those things, isn't it?

That you kind of end up, you're like that kid.

There's always a kid in school who knew that kind of stuff.

Yeah.

Horrible stuff.

Horrible kid.

Yeah, who would show you pictures on the internet?

Oh, that you will never forget.

Yeah, how did they even find them?

What sort of things were you shown?

It's like some kid who's got access to snuff somehow, isn't he?

And he's just like, look at this.

You know, what the hell?

Give me a warning next time, Jacob, you sick of.

Where'd you find that?

You're 13.

We're only just discovering what the internet is.

How did you

so quickly you found stuff like that.

Oh, Jacob.

So

welcome to the restaurant, Daisy.

Thank you.

Quite the welcome already.

It's not often you go into a restaurant and the people who work there mention snuff and pigs killing themselves so early.

But here we are.

I hope you didn't have

any pig products in mind for your menu because you've probably changed your mind.

We never had anyone change their mind.

you know at this point in the in the show

well don't worry about it we'll we can get to that we can discuss the ethics of it when we get to the course.

Fair enough, fair enough.

Are you a foodie?

Would you consider yourself a foodie?

I just love, I prefer, I think, quantity over quality, which is dreadful.

So, your favourite food is lots?

It's lots, like buffets, you know, and things like that.

Another French word?

Toby Cavrees?

Buffet, is that French?

Sounds it, doesn't it?

Yeah, what's buffet French for?

Food lined up?

Yeah.

Food lined up.

These guards.

Do you have a buffet system?

So if there's, let's say, to take a hotel breakfast buffet.

Yeah.

Do you have a system?

What are you going to attack certain things first and then go back for something else?

Or are you going all in first go?

Well, I used to completely panic and act like it was like an apocalyptic situation.

And I can feel the anxiety in my throat.

And if I go to Toby Carvey, there's always a guy in front of me deciding which roast potato that he wants.

And that really stresses me out.

And I used to do a thing where I piled up my plate of foods, some I didn't know whether I'd like or not, and didn't finish it.

And now I have a system where I will go slowly and steadily and just get small things and then just keep getting plates upon plates upon plates of that.

I think that's that's got to be the system.

You've got to think about little bits as you go along, find out what you like and then go back for more of that if you like it.

Yes.

But how many trips then do you become?

Because like I would say that if I pile up my plate really high, I get a bit self-conscious.

People will be looking over going, look at how much food he's got.

But then I also think if I go back a certain amount of times, like

four times, I would start to feel the same level of self-consciousness as if I packed my plate really high in the first place.

So really, I want to do three journeys.

Max,

but I want to be able to get a decent amount on each one so that I don't have to go back a fourth time.

Yes, I know what you mean.

But do you know what?

There's absolutely no respect when it comes to buffets because it's because there's so much food.

It's like Pre-Muck where you'll just pick up something and take one bite of it and throw it on the floor.

This is horrible.

Like Pizza Hut buffets, lunchtime buffets.

It's just disgusting, really.

It's just such a waste of food.

Have you ever been to like a global buffet before?

Yes, I have.

Food from around the world all on one plate.

You can have hash browns with like peeking duck.

It's amazing.

I mean the concept of it I think is better than the execution I'd say.

Because rarely is the kitchen staff fluent in all cuisines.

So you are kind of going and

it's almost like they

nail none of the cuisines.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

All cuisines from all around the world done badly.

I've never been into a global buffet and like seen all this mediocre food laid out and then one amazing peeking duck and thought, oh, they've got a Chinese chef in it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought, yeah, the

speciality is Chinese food, but they're just giving everything else a bit of a bash.

Yeah, a global buffet should have a chef, one chef from everywhere in the world.

Yes.

That would be the ultimate global buffet, right?

That would be amazing.

But then the prices will skyrocket.

Oh, yeah.

Then you're looking at

Las Vegas buffets.

That's got to be the pinnacle.

I've never been to Las Vegas.

I've never been to.

I look, I watch them on YouTube.

I do that.

I watch videos of buffets.

do you I do that oh my god there's a guy there's a guy called Mike there's a guy called Mikey Chen who's a youtuber who goes around all these buffets and like talks about all these Las Vegas buffets yeah I want to go so bad oh and they've got like the massive crab claws and oh wow you two watch buffet videos love buffet videos

there's a global buffet in Ketman for about a month and it got burned down no way that's how xenophobic Ketman is

Do you think that's why it got burned down because of the global nature of it?

Yeah, they just didn't like all those countries.

It's bad edit.

Yeah.

It's bad.

You know, if you burn down one, you know, restaurant,

it's bad enough, and it just goes, I don't like that country.

Yeah.

But

they were like, we don't like all the countries.

Is it to save on having to burn down lots of individual countries?

Yeah, it would be a lot of fun.

We'll just burn down this one and then we don't have to go and burn down the Chinese, the Indian, the...

It saves the xenophobes some time.

They're having their little meeting and going, guys, we could do it in one.

Oh, before we start the audit, you've brought us a gift.

Guests so rarely bring us a gift to the restaurant.

I bought that gift.

You brought that gift, did you?

I bought it out my lamp for you, Ed.

Well, thank you.

I didn't know that Daisy was going to be here.

It's actually very embarrassing.

Thank you so much for rolling with that improv.

Okay, James, well, maybe you'd like to talk about what you brought out the lamp then.

Yes, I got the book.

This is this country.

Daisy, this is the spin-off book for

the TV show that you do in this country, the wonderful TV show, This Country, which I love very much.

Do you want to tell us about the book?

What's going on in the book?

Well, there was just so much stuff that Charlie and I wrote that we didn't get an opportunity to use in the show because

our producer was like, that's just mental.

But a lot of it is like our favourite, favourite bits.

So it was like an opportunity to put that into the book and just have like complete freedom to write about whatever we want in the village.

Yeah, it's just nice to be able able to really flesh out the world, I guess.

Oh, definitely go into the backstories of like Kerry's mum and the vicar and write some.

We've got some letters in there, which was Big Mandy writing passive-aggressive letters to the dogs trust,

which is like one of my favourite things.

But we just could never find like a proper storyline

to put it in.

So yeah, it was so much fun.

Oh, that's great.

If Kerry was here ordering food,

what would Kerry go for?

What's her favourite meal?

Oh, it'd definitely be a Toby Carvery.

But then Kerry and I are very similar.

I don't even have to actually.

You said that a minute ago for yourself, Daisy.

Well,

may I say, excellent question.

Thank you very much.

It's a very good question.

What food would your character order?

Now, I know you've done a lot of interviews, Daisy.

At any point, have you been interviewed by two people where one person congratulated the other interviewer on what a great question they've just asked?

Never.

But that was a first, and I really enjoyed it.

It's not what I would call professional but I loved it.

Sometimes I've sat on the other side of this table and I go, oh very good.

Very good for me there.

Really excellent question.

He didn't know he was going to get the same answer he got a minute ago.

We always start with still a sparkling water.

Sparkling please.

Why?

Because I like fizzy drinks and I'm not mad on water.

Ah, so you like, does it make you feel like you're drinking a fizzy drink?

What's your favourite fizzy drink?

Full-fat Coke.

Now

your phrases it full fat as well.

Yeah, oh no.

What?

Is that bad?

No, I've just noticed it's a thing now.

Oh, because of the shit.

That people have to go out of their way to say, like, it's a way, it's a...

In recent years, we started to own it more.

Yeah.

Because we feel like we're being shamed whenever people have Diet Coke.

So we have to say, full fat Coke, please.

Although, you know, you haven't had full fat Coke in a while.

And there's Coke Zero now, which doesn't, that's not a Coke.

Not that I'd know.

Do you not taste like normal Coke Coke?

James has got a very boring story about

giving up Coke.

Fan favourite?

It's not a fan favorite.

You keep saying it.

The fans don't have a choice.

I haven't had full-fat Coke in ages, and now Diet Coke just tastes like normal Full Fat Coke.

Oh, no, really?

Oh, boring?

Is it boring then?

Is it boring?

That's incredible.

Yeah,

I didn't have any Coca-Cola product, just any Coca-Cola, even Diet Coke for years.

So then when I started having Diet Coke, I was like, this sounds like normal Coca-Cola.

Oh, my God.

That's a good tip.

Jack, that is so.

That's one of the greatest tips I've ever been given.

There you go.

I'm going to try that.

How long did you have to give it up?

About five years.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

That's less good tip now, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Those five years were nice.

Nice and different.

What did you replace the cola products with?

Herbal tea?

No.

No.

No.

Bad tip.

No?

No, sorry.

Bad tip?

No, bad tip.

Bad tip.

Do you not think that Coke Zero accurately represents the flavour of Full Factory?

Absolutely not.

I would love to do those kind of, you know, those ones where they put the blindfolds over you and you taste all the different.

I think that would be a specific skill of mine to know exactly which is which.

So sparkling water, because if you have to have a water, that's a good way of getting water into your system while still feeling like you're having a treat-fizzy drink.

Absolutely.

That's a good answer.

Poplars on bread.

Poplum's on bread, Daisy.

Bread.

Christ.

Profit jumped.

Really jumped, didn't you?

Yeah, I did.

That's good.

I haven't had a jumper in a while.

Sounds like Buffalo Bill or something.

That's awful.

They all get so used to it.

They all prepared themselves for it.

But look, listen, Daisy, don't take this badly.

But the moment you walked into this room, I knew we had a jumper on our hat.

I knew we had a jumper.

I couldn't wait.

Oh, God.

Is there a type of bread that you particularly like?

Just, it has got to be fresh bread, but cut already and with lots of butter.

Cut already?

Yeah.

Why?

Because

I don't know what the way is

to butter the bread that's not cut.

You know, when you get those kind of little baguette things, do you cut it in half, then butter it?

Yeah.

Or do you take bits off and then butter the bits?

Like, there's no, there's never been a...

Yeah, that's...

I remember slicing a baguette in half.

My dad said that was really rude to do that.

What you do is you break bits off and you butter the bits.

Your dad said this.

My dad said this.

What's your dad's background?

He was born in Devon.

Yes.

What's his job?

He works with hoarders.

He works with hoarders?

Yes.

Hoarders?

What?

Really?

What do you mean?

What, like helping them

clear stuff out?

Yeah.

Hoard herbs.

No.

James is a hoarder.

He keeps loads of newspapers.

If you keep newspapers,

you can tell if you've had a traumatic,

when you started collecting them, you've had a traumatic event in your life by the first newspaper that's on the very bottom.

So that's what it was.

That's what it was.

It was like that year or that month.

And you can

trace it back

by the newspapers on the floor.

That's useful.

Wow.

So what's your first newspaper?

I bought a newspaper.

The first one I bought was there was this awful story about a pig who had fallen in a lake.

That pig was my friend.

So your dad said it was rude to cut a baguette in half and spread the whole thing.

You're supposed to butter the bits.

You're supposed to butter the bits, that's what I was told.

Now if I'm in a restaurant and I get brought like a little baguette or like a little self-enclosed loaf, I will tear and butter the bits.

You will.

I will tear and butter the bits.

Is it because of politeness or is that how you've been taught?

No, I do it because I like butter and that's the way of getting more butter.

Ah.

Because if you cut it in half and you've only got two bits and you spread butter on,

then you've got

even don't have much butter.

I like the bits and then I can put basically a chunk of butter on each bit.

Yeah.

And then I'm essentially eating butter and that's just like a little plate.

You're breading the butter.

You're not buttering the bread.

I'm breading the butter.

I had a buffet once in Switzerland actually and they had these little things that were just...

The pieces of bread were so thin and then a full chunk of butter in the middle.

And I've never seen anything like it since.

Like an ice cream sandwich but for butter.

Like an ice cream sandwich for butter.

I was in heaven.

Wow.

Because when I get butter-shamed quite a lot, so if I put butter on something, someone will go, you're using quite a lot of butter there.

Full-fat butter.

The classic is my dad will say,

Do you want any new bread with the butter?

Oh,

yes.

So it was nice in that situation to be like, well, this has been pre-prepared.

I'm going to eat this chunk of butter.

I didn't know that being a great comedian man in the family.

So you've got pre-sliced bread.

Yes.

Just any type of bread as long as you're fresh out the oven.

White bread.

Fresh out the oven.

Warm.

Warm from the oven.

Warm has to be warm.

So the butterfly.

It's not too warm.

Right.

But warm.

What temperature?

I'd say about 30 degrees.

Body temperature.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You want it to feel like a human.

I should eat it.

Yeah.

When you're buying your bread, what brand do you go for?

Oh, definitely the Hovis Toasty White Sliced.

Because it's thick.

Thick you need a thick don't want a thin slice.

First thing I learnt how to play on the piano was the Hovis song.

Really?

From the from the adverts.

I didn't know it was a classical piece of music at the time.

It's a very easy thing to play.

I got to show how to play it and my dad just said that's the Hovis advert so I just always thought of it as the Hovis song.

And I would always say to people who came round as a little kid, Don't you like to hear the Hovis song?

I had a similar thing when I used to play the bassoon daisy and

I learned how to play hall of the mountain king but I knew it as the Elton Towers advert song oh yes

which is actually how I still know it now but when Ned said Hall of the Mountain King I didn't know what did any of you ever play rug rats on the piano yeah yeah that's a classic

rug rats and chopsticks I think is the is the absolute yeah the classic piano stuff rug rats is the one that you show like when you grew up don't you like like reverse like we all played rug rats on the piano was it like live and did you watch live and kicking yes when it used to have the countdown to rug rats yeah

Yeah.

It was really exciting.

It was so exciting.

I'd completely forgotten about that.

And when you said it, I suddenly felt really excited, like Rugrats was about to come on.

But why was it so brilliant?

I don't understand why.

It was sort of easy watching, wasn't it?

Yeah.

It's like, what was Arthur?

I used to love.

You know, the Ardfran.

Yes.

Yeah, great.

I'd love that.

It was a good idea.

Hey, Arnold.

Hey, Arnold, I love that.

And also, I guess, like, everyone likes nostalgia.

And as a kid, your only thing you're nostalgic for is being a baby.

So watching rugrats is the only way you can go, oh, the good old days.

And it's nice to feel intellectually superior as well, I guess.

Yeah.

As a kid, you can be like those stupid babies.

Would you like James to play the Hovis song on the piano while you're eating your bread?

That would be lovely.

And the rug rats.

And the rug rats later.

Okay, yep.

Lovely.

And that's your bread.

That's your bread song.

There's a really dark

fan theory about rugrats.

Oh, what?

Well, one is a normal theory that it's like, the theory is Angelica is imagining it all, and none of the other babies are real,

and all the other babies died.

Oh, no.

And there's all this theories as to how they all died.

And

Angelica's just imagining all her friends that she misses oh what but what how do you come up with that what clues are there in rugrats that that's there's little things about their parents relationships with them that apparently flags up what happened right like what like how did chucky die yeah it's something about his mum yeah because there's a figure of his mum yeah i can't remember all the

mum because the mum was always dead wasn't she yeah the mum was always dead with chuck that was a very emotional rugrats episode where like they they deal with chucky's mum being dead and it's Chucky's dad like kind of Chucky's old enough to understand now so he kind of explains it to him.

It's a very

brave episode.

Very well done actually.

Oh

really upset.

We come to your starter.

Yes.

The big leagues now?

This was I got wined and dined actually by the book people.

Yes.

And they took me to this place.

i've never had it before it was razor clams oh yeah with like a sort of lemon and herb kind of oil with bread crumbs on it and it was the best thing i've ever tasted in my life really and i i will never get i i've looked up the recipe i can't find it i'll never eat it again wow i feel like something like razor clams is something that i would never attempt at home That feels like a restaurant thing.

I don't think I'd pop out and buy some razor clams.

They're too confusing to me.

Yeah.

I can't believe that was ever an animal.

But they're quite easy to forage, apparently, because you go to the beach and you find these little slits and then you put salt on them and they just pop up.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

They come out with a bunch of suckers.

They love the salt.

They love the salt.

I'd like salt as well, though.

I'd pop out of the sand for a bit of salt.

Still, though, you're in the sand up next to the sea.

Yeah, that's it.

That's got to be salty.

Yeah.

That's how much they love salt.

Very greedy.

Whereabouts did you have these?

Can you remember the name of the restaurant?

There was a restaurant in Somerset.

you know where Somerset House is?

It was sort of around there.

London.

We're talking London.

Talking London.

Talk in London.

Sorry out of London listeners who are getting increasingly angry.

What texture is a razor clam?

I don't know if I've ever had a razor clam.

It's kind of like a scallop.

Right.

Like a long scallop.

A long scallop.

Yeah, it's great.

I mean, I've just...

It was the most unbelievable thing I've ever had in my whole life.

So much so I actually licked the inside of the shell.

wow how many people were at this meal this did this this

business dinner that you had with colleagues you looking at the inside of the shell i did i did

um i think that's fine look licking a shell and stuff like it is a compliment yeah i remember i was sort of getting the juice out of it so it wasn't too mental right you know what i mean yeah you're drinking the juice drinking the juice and then

you gave a little victory lick

i think stuff like that's fine.

I think we should be allowed to do that.

I think we should be allowed to lick our plates in public.

I think it's a compliment to the chef.

I remember when I was like seven or eight, I read something somewhere.

I distinctly remember reading this, that in some cultures, it's polite to burp because you're showing that you've enjoyed the meal.

Yes.

And that was a nightmare for my mum when I found that out.

Yeah, okay.

I was burping all day long.

Thank you, mum.

Was that off the HSBC advert?

No, no, it was an HSBC advert.

I don't agree that, but it's exactly the sort of thing they would do on an HSBC advert.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Polite to do a burp.

It is, it should be, it is polite to do a burp.

What I'm worried about now is you described this razor clam as the most delicious thing you've ever tasted in your life.

Yeah.

This is the starter.

Yeah.

Is it all downhill from here?

Do you want us to, and I will do this for you, flip the meal round and you can start with dessert and then with the razor clam.

That's difficult.

I tell you what though, because my dessert is actually a starter because I don't like desserts.

Yes.

Right.

Sorry.

What?

Just not for this.

Oh, thank you so much, Daisy.

James is going to get so annoyed.

He can't bear it when people don't like desserts.

James is a dessert boy.

I'm a starter boy.

I love.

Absolutely.

I love the other things.

Yeah, because there's no flavours in sweet stuff.

It's just.

Okay.

Okay, Daisy.

All right.

Sorry.

Sorry, it's not as tasty as a a fucking shell.

James.

Sorry if I'm not.

Jaisie isn't going to taste as good as a fucking shell.

Jaisie is our guest, and as she says correctly, there's no flavours in sweet stuff.

Absolutely wrong.

Right.

Absurd thing to say.

But we're look,

she likes shells head.

And I've been polite so far.

We're not.

We're now just slugging off sweet stuff.

We're going to shell liquor in the slugger and sit here and just deal with all this and accept what she says.

We're not flipping it around because I want the build-up to the dessert to be to be long and arduous for you, okay?

Good.

Starting with these delicious

sounding razor clubs, lured me in with full-fat Coke, make me think she appreciated the sugary things in life.

I don't like desserts.

Let's be real.

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So,

you've licked your shells.

I have.

The razor clams, they're all gone.

Like a peasant?

She's just experiencing all the flavours.

She needs to get as many flavours in before the flavourless dessert arrives.

Oh, my God.

Good God.

What desserts have you had that don't have any flavour in them?

Okay, well, James, we're going to get to dessert, okay?

Save this anger, maybe filter it.

Normally, not this angry early on.

No, you're not, which I'm enjoying.

So, let's have a main course.

We all enjoy main course, don't we?

Yes, we all enjoy main course.

Yeah, yeah.

So, what are you gonna have for your lovely main course, Daisy?

Well, I'm gonna have dim sum from a restaurant in Chinatown, it's called London Chinatown, which is like the best food, but the staff treat you like absolute shit.

Yes, they want you to be gone from your table as soon as you're sleeping.

Well, I'm glad you enjoy that kind of behavior

because plenty more where that came from, Daisy.

So, yeah, it will be king prawn chang fung,

char sweet pork, crispy seaweeds, yes, salt meat croquettes,

and the sweet sour squid.

Amazing.

Well, I can have this chat.

This is nice.

Yes.

It's all nice food.

I enjoy all this stuff.

King prawn chang fung, as you say.

What is the chang fung?

What's it?

Cheng Feng is kind of like this glutinous rice kind of paper thing that they put round.

Yeah.

So it looks like an aorta tube full of prawns that's the only way i can i know what you mean i know what you mean i've i've never been that i think just the visual puts me off of those even though i've eaten them before but i prefer the dumplings where it's like oh you can't see in yeah you don't like to see what's going on inside no no

it feels i don't know i don't like it i saw i think i know the one it's sort of like a like a cannelloni almost

yeah yeah

it wraps around yeah but you can see it like peeking through i think that sounds delicious.

It is really, really good.

What's this place called?

It's actually called London, Chinatown in London, Chinatown.

That's like ungoogleable.

I think you just have to go.

Huh?

I think you just have to go and find it.

Because Chinatown's small, innit?

Yeah, still, though.

That's confusing.

That sounds absolutely delicious.

And what you've done is you've...

announced your main as one dish but then put multiple dishes

within it, which is a clever way around the system.

You said quantity over quality earlier.

Yes.

So is this part of it part of your plan?

A little bit, yeah.

But is it quality stuff as well?

It is quality stuff, but I mean, I don't know when it was cooked, possibly the day before,

but it's delicious nonetheless.

Yeah, that doesn't sound like quality stuff anyway.

It should be in the bin.

If you're not

sure it was cooked, our first guest who's ordered bin food.

My friend fell out with us once because

I was in a band at the time since when I was a teenager and we were recording in a studio and one day we went and we got fried chicken and

he's quite miserly for a teenager and he didn't finish his chicken but he wanted it the next day.

But he was worried that we would eat it if it was in the fridge, if he left it in the fridge that we would help ourselves to.

So he hid it in the studio, but he hid it behind the bin because it was the last place we would look for food.

And then the next day we went into the studio and he went behind the bin and got his chicken out and ate it.

And we went, what are you doing?

I was like, eat my chicken.

He was like, was that behind the bin?

And then we called him chicken lips for the whole day.

And he got really angry about being called chicken lips.

And we all had a massive fallout about it.

Backfired, didn't he?

Yeah, just don't call me chicken lips.

And then

we went back to his house at the end of the day and he went upstairs and wouldn't come down.

And we were at the bottom stairs going, just come down.

And he was like, no, not coming down.

You're calling me chicken lips all day long.

And we were like, come on, mate.

Did that nickname always stick then?

Yeah, well, but he's only just okay with it now.

So you rarely stuck with it.

Yeah, we're all in our 30s.

It'd always be something that every time we met up, we'd go, do you remember that day when that happened?

He'd be a little bit annoyed and then slightly less annoyed the next time.

And now he's like, yeah, yeah, I'm chicken lips.

So it's okay though.

I did eat some fried chicken from behind a bin.

I probably did deserve that.

So take us through it again.

You've got the king porn chang fung.

King porn chang fung, crispy seaweed, seaweed, salt meat croquettes.

Have you ever tried those?

No.

I've had like similar things.

Yeah, I guess so.

Very nice.

I've had pastrami croquettes, so that's like similar, I guess.

Yes.

Yeah, very tasty.

And then there's

the

pork, the chow.

Chow sui.

Chow suey pork.

What's that like?

It's like kind of red.

But white?

Red

in the middle.

White in the middle, red on the outside.

Yeah.

Okay, so it sounds like that joke where the sunshine's a newspaper.

Yes.

What's black and white and red all over?

Chelsea pork.

And what has the date of your first trauma on it?

Yeah, yeah.

Chelsea.

Chelsea pork.

Chelsea pork.

I mean, imagine how that pork died.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

That all sounds absolutely delicious.

And that, the staff just getting you off the table as quickly as possible, I think, is the ultimate London Chinatown experience.

It is.

There's so many places like that where the food comes so quickly, it's really delicious.

And then they're like,

you gotta go.

Yes.

It's time to go because it's pretty, it's affordable.

It comes quickly.

Yeah.

So it's all about the turnover of table and you have to be sort of prepared for you're not hanging around.

No, and they don't offer forks at this place.

And I can't use chopsticks.

So you know the bowls that they serve the soup in?

Yeah.

You sort of have to cut everything with the soup, that sort of China soup spoon.

So, you eat everything with a spoon, yes, yes.

So, you get the China soup spoon and you eat all your

food of it.

Yeah, on the side of the bowl is a technique that I've learned over the years.

If you've learned that technique over the years, did you think maybe you should have learnt the chopstick technique?

Yes, well, yeah, I should have.

I think, I would say,

the cogs are going right.

Yeah, I see what you're going.

You've invested a lot of time in this China soup spoon.

A technique that no one uses.

I would say even a caveman

would attempt the chopsticks first.

Would hack away at it with a China spoon.

Those spoons are chunky.

They're not even as effective as normal spoons for cutting stuff, as metal spoons for cutting stuff.

They're not even good for soup a lot of the time, I've

too deep.

Yeah, they just look nice.

I've never seen, if I was in a Chinese restaurant and I saw someone eating eating their entire meal

with a China soup spoon, I would absolutely film them.

Bear in mind Daisy's in the back eating from the bin, though.

Yeah, yeah.

Just the day-old stuff, please.

I suppose it's good.

A China soup spoon.

That spoon is good for bin digging.

Yeah, yeah, really good for folding around in the business.

That genuinely sounds delicious.

I've not been to London Chinatown.

What's the place that we go to a lot of?

Tao Tao Zhu.

Tao Tao Zhu.

Which...

I have recommended one of the dishes on there.

There were Sabi King prawns on the podcast.

Some people have been there and had it and said it was very nice.

However, this is what so this is tough for me to say.

Last time I went back there, I ordered the wasabi king prawns and they had changed it.

And I am now very worried that it's permanently changed

because the batter used to be quite light and crispy.

When I went last time, it was a bit thick and cakey.

No.

And the wasabi sauce on top of it, this wasabi mayo, used to be, I would say, almost

like 75-80% wasabi and then a bit of mayo.

It was so amazing.

Really cleared out your sinuses.

They'd flipped the ratios around last time I went.

It was mainly mayo.

So I'm really worried now that one of my favourite dishes

doesn't exist anymore and that people, because I've recommended it on the pod, people might go there and go, what is he on?

But this guy doesn't know what he's talking about.

And I want you to know it used to be different.

So maybe that was just the one day I went.

I don't know.

That's a nice restaurant as well if you don't want to be flipped off your table really quickly.

It's great.

And also, I'd recommend Dumplings Legend.

Very good.

Their soup dumplings are so good.

The soup dumplings are.

Are you a fan of soup dumplings?

Oh yes.

Their soup dumplings are incredible.

Oh my god.

Good gracious.

That sounds very

delicious soup dumplings.

I'd also recommend

I'd also recommend Din Tai Feng which is like a quite a it's quite a big restaurant.

I think it's come it's maybe it started somewhere else.

It's like a mini chain but there's always a queue outside but the dumplings are excellent.

I've never heard of this place Ed.

It's really nice.

I think I know Gamble.

But

he's always got secrets.

He's always got things I'm learning more about every single day.

No, it's delicious.

It's really good.

But I love crispy seaweed as well, crispy squids, something like that.

It's so good.

Did you grow up in London?

No, in the Cotswolds.

I still lived there.

Was there a Chinese restaurant round there that you were?

No, but whenever we used to come up to London, we would always go to Chinatown.

That was our treat.

It used to be a place called Look Cook Fuck, but it was amazing.

Yep.

Was London chinatown a place that you used to go to with your family or is that a new is that a new addition for you that what well when look cook fuck shut down we were trying to find you know when you you're trying to find the similar dishes and we tried everyone on that strip yeah and it wasn't until we found london chinatown that we were like this is the same

yeah dishes it's like your wasabi prawns yeah well absolutely you'll there'll be somewhere else that does them you're chasing it for the rest of your life yeah kind of stuff very nice wasabi thing yeah but that that that's that egg sandwich that eggs egg sando yeah uh the katsu egg sando from that place two recommended me it's called two t-o-u oh it's like a wasabi mayo and that was delicious

this place is incredible

mentioned this so it's in like a sort of very posh food hall next to tottenham court station which has got like really really nice like little little food stalls in it but it's a place called two that does like a katsu sando and a egg sando so it's like japanese sandwiches and the katsu sando is like deep-fried pork cutlet, iberico pork, really thick, shredded cabbage, and this like raspberry jam.

Thinking this amazing bread, it's so good.

Oh, delicious.

Only thing I would say about the food hall is that they unnecessarily have someone working on the door who stops you as soon as you walk in and explains how the food hall works,

which I didn't think was necessary.

So there's all these different places, and you can order from any one of them, and then you sit down and you eat the food, and you pay at the till.

Absolutely.

I'm very hungry.

Also, I would say for a sandwich, it's very expensive.

Oh yeah, absolutely

very expensive, but worth it if you want to just like

how much per bite?

It was like.

Well,

the point

was, I would say, a sandwich is worth per bite of money.

Yeah.

Each mouthful costs the same as a normal sandwich would cost.

So like three pounds.

That's stupid.

A bite.

Yeah, I would say that.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's I mean it's if you want if you want if you're feeling how many bites for a sandwich.

Well it's quite a small sandwich.

So the pork one I'd say is like that.

Which is what for the little.

For small, small, small

two Mars bars.

Two bars bars.

No.

And it's 14 quid.

Yeah, it's really expensive.

So certainly I say to our listeners, it's very delicious, but only if you're feeling

fresh and extra.

It's too late to be fair to me.

Yeah.

I thought

this will cost sandwich money, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then I was like, oh no, no.

So we've got to come on to the side dish,

edging closer and closer to whatever this abomination of a dessert is.

Now, what you've done cleverly is you've put a lot of what people would pick as sides within the main body of the main course.

So what are you going to have as a side dish to all of those things?

It's terrible, but I'm going to have like McDonald's fries.

That's not terrible.

I think that's a great choice.

Sure.

Not Burger King fries.

Not definitely, certainly not KFC fries.

Now, I absolutely agree.

I believe we've spoken about this on the podcast before, but I do disagree with you.

I think Burger King fries are the best fast food fries.

Really?

I do.

I think they put something special and magical on them, and I don't know what it is, and I don't want to know what it is, but I think they're absolutely delicious.

I might agree with Ed on this.

uh i think that mcdonald's fries were better when i was a kid and that now they don't taste i still i think they taste nice but they don't make uh i think my eyes used to spin around the room originally when i uh when i had a mcdonald's fry i went all dizzy uh but now i only get that from burgering fries or the best fries i've ever had from the chain tgi fridays really oh really yeah i love a tgi tgi fridays fries i had on my brother-in-law's stag do

and

they absolutely blew my mind.

Oh no, because they've got the skin on, haven't they?

I've got so many questions about this stagdoo now.

Yeah.

What has made you laugh so much?

Well you went to TGI Fridays.

Yeah absolutely.

What else?

I need to know what else happened around the TGI Fridays.

I went to Friday Ed.

And thank God.

But what else happened around it?

We went to see Leeds play a football game in the daytime.

So it was probably a Saturday.

Why were you invited on this?

I got invited on it.

I had to be contractually.

So, like, I was there, me and my brother, and my dad, yeah, to be fair to him.

And we watched Leeds play a football game, uh, which they won.

And then we went to TGI Fridays, yeah, and then we went around Leeds City Centre around the pubs.

That sounds great.

Brilliant.

In TGI Fridays, I kept on exclaiming about how nice the fries were.

Bearing in mind, I only knew my brother and my dad, really.

Yeah.

Have you tried these fries?

Did you have the JD sauce with them?

Not with the fries.

I think I had the JD sauce on whatever meat I was eating at the time.

So I had a lot of it on like my burger or ribs or whatever it was.

And then I ordered a second portion of fries because I love the fries so much.

But have you bought the JD sauce in a bottle from the supermarkets?

Yeah, it's not the same.

Oh, okay.

It's a con.

Go on.

Go on.

Because I'm addicted to that.

That sauce.

Yeah.

And I saw it and it was like one of the most incredible moments.

I walked into Tesco's and and I saw it next to the reggae sauce and the ketchup.

Yeah.

And I took it home and I smothered everything in it.

And it's not the same.

It's not sweet.

Yeah.

Which is wrong.

Okay, yeah,

that's already one of its main selling.

But you know,

you don't really like sweet stuff, so I don't know why you're complaining.

Yeah.

I like sweet savoury.

Surely that's an improvement point.

What did you smother with it?

Oh, God.

Every sandwiches.

It was a massive mistake.

nothing like smothering it in the wrong screen yeah so am i right in thinking that well the image i've got in my head isn't that you uh you know got home and the first thing you ate you put some sauce in it you smothered it and then you're like i don't like it then you carry on making the same mistake but the sound of things you got home got all the food out your coat yeah smothered it all in the sauce and gradually as the days went on you ate you ate them all going oh i shouldn't have done this I knew on first bite these Cheerios are ruined forever.

Yeah.

Oh God.

Yeah, that's pretty much what happened.

Where do you stand on the new

big boys of fast food?

Fries-wise.

We're talking Five Guys, we're talking Shake Shack.

Yeah.

I'm a country pumpkin, so I've not been to any of these

places.

I'd say Five Guys fries are probably the best.

Yeah, they're crispy.

Are they skin on?

Yes.

No, no.

Here we go.

Now we get into it.

No way.

No, why do you not like skin on?

Because Because it's just lazy, I think.

That's what it is.

No, it's a noisy.

It's lazy.

It is, yeah.

I mean, this is coming from the person who wanted to learn how to use chopsticks.

So you don't like it because it's lazy.

Yeah, and it's also, I don't know, there's a toughness to it.

And it's, yeah,

there's a rippage that happens.

I can't explain it.

when you put it in between your teeth and yeah it's like a shard

yeah you just like the texture of it i don't like the texture you do like the texture and i hate when people put it rosemary with them right okay that's literally everything i love about fries oh no i've found a skin on rosemary fries with salt with a lot of salt maybe like truffle salt or something truffle where do you stand on truffle oil no no

no no don't like it i i i do feel that like with truffle stuff the first bite of anything that's got like truffle in it is like oh i'm in heaven this this is the best meal I've ever had.

And the second bite, I feel sick.

Yes, that's exactly it.

So that is a risk.

There is that sometimes.

I love feeling sick.

Yep, you do like you do, you do like feeling sick, to be fair to you.

I don't mind it.

You do enjoy it.

You must be really enjoying this meal if I feel sick.

Yeah, I feel sick.

This is great.

Like Henry VIII.

Will you sometimes go into McDonald's and just get the fries?

No, never, no.

What's your McDonald's order?

Big Mac,

quarter pound of cheese, two double cheeseburgers, cheesy bites.

Hold on, what the fuck?

Yeah, that is how much.

And then I have to go home,

put on Gordon Ramsey's kitchen nightmares, watch only like the five minutes where they're eating the bad, where he's eating the bad food, and then eat my food watching that.

And it's a habit that me and my husband have massive rows about because I actually don't like going out to eat.

I have to watch a cooking program about bad food like Master Chef the Beginning Rounds.

Yes.

When they're cooking really bad food you have to eat my food

are you talking about

how has this just come up

in the conversation for you to bring this up

so is that with all food or just mcdonald's all food i i that's why i don't i yeah all food i really enjoy yes watching programs about bad food to enjoy my food so you have to be eating

that's absolutely

does that make your food taste better Because you're like, look how bad food can be.

I've done alright with this McDonald's.

Yeah, I think so.

I don't know what it is.

It's just the drama of it and the...

Yeah.

Do you pretend that you're in the show as well?

Are you interacting with them?

No, I don't interact with them.

I just watch and eat.

That's it.

But only to the point, and when it starts getting to the good food bits, I'm not interested in it.

Yeah.

Why?

Is this every meal?

Uh, pretty much.

But yeah, my husband gets annoyed'cause he wants me to eat at the table.

Yeah.

But I I did not watch five minutes of Cordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares.

So your husband is at the table, though.

He's at the table with my daughter.

And there's a place laid for you?

Well, and I'm on the sofa.

The daughter detail made it all way bleaker.

It was already pretty bleak that

I thought your husband was sitting on his own

at a perfectly set table

eating a meal like a civilised person with a tie on.

He's definitely all dressed up, yeah, right, as well.

Lit candle in the middle of it.

Please, Daisy, come over here and just eat with me.

Your daughter's birthday cake with a candle slowly burning.

Yeah, she's there.

Mummy, please.

I just want to syllop with you.

You're watching God in Magic call someone an idiot sandwich or whatever.

How old's your daughter?

She's nearly two.

Eat at the dinner table with her, Daisy.

Fuck it out.

You can't do that's my thing it's my thing you can have you thought about a compromise of maybe a laptop at the dinner table yes

no no

put it in front of your daughter's face so you can just watch it don't have to look at it

that's what it is that puts you off your meal is it is her i don't know

while you're eating your your

cue of mcdonald's food

Terrible.

Do you cook at home or does your husband cook?

I cook.

You cook.

But I tell you what, I hate sitting around the table because I get extremely impatient as well with other people eating.

I find that if we go to my husband's parents' house, they'll probably take about three hours to

eat food.

And that for me is very annoying.

Right, sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want to eat.

But then I don't know if you guys have this thing where I'm so impatient and I'll be hungry, so I'll stuff myself on crap, like bread, even like dry breadsticks

before I've even eaten the food yeah yeah I'm dry unseasoned breadsticks from out of those that I've eaten I'm not even enjoying this filling time if I cook I'll be full by the time I put the meal on the table because I'll just I'll be like I'm gonna taste that to make sure it's all right and then I've just eaten half of it yeah and then or if it's like some parmesan cheese I'll be like I'm chopping blocks off that

and I'm really bad as well I eat quite quickly and my fiancé eats slower than me and I'll like I'll finish and put my plate away and clean up the whole kitchen, and she'll still be eating.

Yeah.

It's so unsociable.

But then I think, I know Ed's fiancé, and I'd say she's deliberately eating slow to wind you up.

Daisy, what would you like to drink?

I'd like a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, please, with one glass.

Now, why have you specified one glass?

Because I will be the only person drinking it.

You don't want anyone else getting in on it?

No.

Absolutely not.

I think that's absolutely fair enough.

I have asked for one glass with a bottle of wine in the past.

Normally, if I'm doing a gig and then I'm going back to the hotel and I want some wine in my room, and I'll go to the bar and I'll say, I'll have a bottle of Malbeck, please.

And I'll say, How many glasses would you like?

And I would say, one, please.

Because I'm feeling confident.

And they go, okay.

Sometimes I'll ask for two.

And then drink both at the same time.

And then, yeah,

pour a glass for my imaginary Compadro.

Yeah.

yeah there we are cheers them

why haven't you finished your wine if you insist you're right i was very funny tonight

well i was always the class cloud if you ask

very good

so you're yeah one and what why is that your favorite drink because it's just it gets it's like 13 alcohol and

and it's just yeah it's one of those things that i didn't like to start with but i've grown accustomed to it because of the alcohol content.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yes.

When Ed asked at the start of the episode, yeah, what would Kerry's menu be, I feel like this is what Kerry's menu would be, right?

She should have all these things.

I think she'd probably, yeah.

Yeah, she'd have the McDonald's fries or the Sauve Blanc

because of that reason.

Yes, yeah, that's a great reason.

And it eat it all in front of Gordon Ramsey's kitchen night.

And

all of this, yeah.

Oh my goodness.

This is your dream restaurant.

You don't need to use the glass if you don't want.

No, I'd like a glass.

Have you ever drunk out of the bottle?

No, I haven't.

I oh, I have in the back of taxis and stuff like that on the way back from London.

I get slightly more pissed and then end up talking to the taxi driver about his life story and feign interest in his kids.

You're not even interested in your own kids.

I'm going to be heartbreaking for your daughter that you're more, you know more about this taxi driver's child than your own.

God.

Oh, freaking out.

Sauvignon Blanc, one glass.

Yes, fair.

Fair enough.

Lovely.

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Okay,

here we go.

We've come to the final course.

Yeah.

I've never been so...

You're worried, aren't you?

Yeah.

Normally I can't wait to get to dessert.

This is the one time in my life where I'm dreading dessert.

Okay.

James, James asked if it's bad.

What do you want for dessert?

What's your dessert?

It's,

you're going to be so cross.

A Pizza Hut salad with only croutons, bacon bits.

That's not!

What a fun!

Let her finish!

No!

Let, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Please let Daisy finish.

What the fuck?

What are you doing?

This is the best thing that's ever happened on this podcast.

Please let it play out.

A pizza hut salad with just the croutons, the bacon bits, the cubes of beetroot and the honey and mustard dressing.

Lovely.

A bit of sweetness from the honey.

Fuck you.

Duff.

But 70%

croutons.

70% croutons.

When did you decide on this?

Do you know all the time on your way here in the car you're going to say this shit?

Lining that up as your dessert.

It's 70% croutons, right?

Part of you justifies that as a dessert.

How are you even justifying this?

I just love a pizza hut salad.

Well, girl, have it as a starter.

I don't want it as my starter.

It's my dessert.

You can't have it as your dessert.

You can because you get the

go up

as many times as you like salad bowl.

Yeah.

And for my dessert, I'll always go up at the end of my pizza.

You should be banned from pizza.

And order the look at the thing.

When everybody's having their dessert.

A salad is refreshing, isn't it?

So it just, you know, you've had

a

bacon bits, yeah.

I suppose they're refreshing under the honey mustard dressing.

Yeah, lovely.

And bit of sweetness from the honey.

You've said that before.

You said bit of sweetness from the honey.

That is not good enough.

That makes it a dessert.

It does not make it a dessert.

You know it.

You don't even believe what you're saying now.

I do.

It sounds like a lovely dress.

You do not believe what you're saying.

Cleanses the palate.

You're like Piers Morgan.

You're no better than Piers Morgan right now, Ed.

You're just deliberately being controversial and trolling me.

And Daisy, oh my God.

Well, technically, Pizza Hut buffet salad with bacon in it.

Daisy's whole meal has been a dessert because she's eating with a spoon.

Yeah, she's eating it all.

With a big old china spoon.

Oh, I cannot believe this.

Oh, that's my favourite dessert ever.

It's not your favourite dessert ever.

A bacon salad.

A bacon salad.

No, it's mainly crude salad.

Well, actually, the bacon bits are not even actual bacon bits.

No, they're bacon, aren't they?

I don't know.

Yeah, they are.

The bacon bits are vegan bits.

They're cheating bits.

Yeah.

Lovely.

Texture, there's texture there.

There's sweetness from the honey.

Is there not one pudding that you like that you could have chosen?

There's not like a pudding that you've had before that you thought you're flavourless.

You're having a goddamn salad, mate.

You always talk about flavour.

Oh, that's what jumps to mind as soon as I i think of flavour is a fucking salad

with mainly croutons in it oh flavor town i just love these still my jumping taste buds this bread salad i'm eating i love the idea that guests are now just coming on to troll you james

absolutely insane

Absolutely bananas.

This is gonna, oh, what a life.

This is gonna break the internet.

I can't wait.

Has this upset you more than the pigs killing themselves?

Yeah, I would rather watch a swarm of pigs swimming around in a pool, slitting their own throats, than you eating your bread salad and calling it a dessert.

I would rather watch Chucky have the news of his mum's death broken to him again than watch you go up to the Peter Hut buffet in plain sight and claim that you're going to get your pudding.

That's what I would rather happened.

Okay, James, let's read the order back.

Right.

Sparkling water.

Lovely.

You would like bread fresh cut with butter at body temperature, human body temperature.

Razor clams, breadcrumbs, lemon and herb oil is your starter.

Delicious.

Main course.

Dim sum.

You want king prawns, pork, seaweed, salt beef croquettes, sweet and sour squid from London Chinatown, ate with a China soup spoon.

Side, McDonald's fries in front of Gordon Ramsey's kitchen nightmares

with your daughter sat at the dinner table away from you

drink one bottle of Sauvignon Blanc one glass unless you're drinking it in the back of a taxi in which case straight up the bottle will show more interest in the taxi driver's life than your own family's life

desert a pizza hurt salad with 70% cruise bagel bits beat boot Asian men dressing

I want to ban you from the restaurant.

I can't believe what I'm reading.

Oh, and by the way, you licked the clamshell.

Well, I think that menu sounds absolutely delicious.

Innovative, in an innovative, innovative way to tackle.

I can't even believe it.

Not innovative, Ed?

Innovative way to tackle the dessert.

Thank you so much.

Thanks so much for coming to the restaurant, Daisy.

Don't let the door hit you on the way up, Daisy.

Well, there we go.

A lovely menu from Daisy Cooper there.

Not lovely.

A lovely menu from Daisy Cooper.

A very

interesting way of tackling the dessert problem.

If you don't like desserts, what can you involve in?

A pizza hut salad.

You're right, James?

Oh, horrible, horrible, horrible.

But it was very nice of Daisy to come in, wasn't it?

What?

Oh, yeah, thanks so much for coming in, Daisy.

You are acting like a grumpy teenager.

Disgusting.

Disgust She comes into this restaurant, tells a genie to get her a salad for dessert.

But you're a genie.

You've just got to do what people ask.

That's the thing, as a genie.

You're relying on the kindness of others.

So this is folly on her, what she's made me do.

These hands have never done such evil deeds.

Well, I enjoyed it very much.

Daisy did not say Solariac.

Might as well have.

Yeah.

So she got to stay in the restaurant right up until her salad dessert,

which was exciting.

Hey, she's got the book out.

This is This Country.

Yes.

Go and buy that.

Yes, yes, fair enough.

Buy the book.

Yeah, all right, good.

See, even James, who is livid, thinks you should go and buy the book.

We're up to stuff as well.

I'm on tour doing my show Blizzard all around the country.

Go on edgamble.co.uk.

If you live in London, come and see me on December 20th at the Shepherd's Bush Empire.

What a big gig.

Yes, please.

My book, Perfect Sound, Whatever, is currently in all good bookshops.

It's about 2016 being the greatest year for musical all time and 2017 being the worst year for life of my life.

I loved the book.

Thank you so much, Ed.

I have read the book with my ears and I enjoyed it very much.

Yes.

Odd.

Very odd.

Very odd way of saying it, though.

Fair enough, though.

But go get it.

James, we've been sent loads of stuff.

We should probably say thank you to you.

So much stuff.

Chia Charge.

Chia Charge bars, which are very nice.

I've had them.

Energy and endurance bars.

They've got like chia seed, flapjacks, and peanut butter in them.

They're very tasty.

I tuck into these before I go on stage tonight.

I used to eat them when when I was training for the marathon.

Oh, really?

Yeah, boy.

They're very good and they really do charge you up.

And I know cheer seeds have been a secret ingredient that we say we hated, but I quite like them.

We've been from the Tate, James, the actual Tate.

Well, it's in the Arts Gallery.

Yeah, they've done a beer to coincide with their latest exhibition.

It's called Elemental Beer.

And what's cool about this, I've just been reading about it, is it's brewed from 200 kilos of

leftover bread that cafes and bakeries have thrown out.

Would Tracy Emmin make that for you?

It's surplus bread, so it's supposed to be like

tackling food waste and stuff like this.

Pretty cool.

So you can have a lovely beer, and also it's like a statement.

It's like an artistic statement.

Yeah, that's good.

I always want to make an artistic statement when I have a beer.

You do.

You love it.

Teas and coffees, Yorkshire tea, Taylor Coffee.

Thank you very much.

Oh, we are swimming in freebies.

I'm absolutely loving it.

I've not done any shopping for about three years.

Also, some rum, some Jurican rum, which is in a beautiful bottle.

We've been sent this bottle of rum.

Rum didddally umptious.

And they're from the Hurricane Rum Company, which I just thought was a cool name.

I do a show called Blizzard.

I thought that's a cool name.

No, it's called the Hurricane Rum Company because they're partnered with Shelterbox.

And every time someone buys a bottle, they make a donation to the Hurricane Light Relief Fund in the Caribbean.

Fantastic.

Pretty good, right?

That is amazing.

We've got some pretty ethical products on our hands this week.

You can get pissed up and feel good about yourself.

Oh, that's all I want.

That's all I want in life.

Oh, also, Wensleydale Creamery, thank you so much for sending me a wheel of cheese.

Insane how much cheese you've got.

It was my dream to have a wheel of cheese, and there it is.

It sat in my fridge, a wheel of Wensleydale, and also some little baby Wensleydale's, a cranberry one, one that's a Black Forest gato flavor that I'm not sure about yet.

It's got chocolate in it.

I've not touched it.

That's like,

that's like they've taken both of our worlds and put them together.

We're still getting messages asking us to recommend people restaurants and to mention a restaurant that we've mentioned previously on the podcast.

We are keeping an archive of them.

If you go onto offmenupodcast.co.uk forward slash restaurants, there is a list of all the restaurants mentioned on the podcast there, including who mentioned them, where they are, etc., etc.

So you do not need to directly tweet us asking for restaurant recommendations.

And I'm happy for you.

If you're coming to London to see some family or you're on a day out in New York, that sounds brilliant.

But I can't get in contact and let you know where to eat.

Sure.

And also, part of the joy of finding places you like is discovering them for yourself.

Yeah, but it's nice, got that list there.

Bonito's put that together very leavenly for you.

Sure.

And also, if you run out of options on that list, I'd recommend going onto the Eater website,

which is very good for big cities, for like you know, your big metropolitan areas.

We don't even know about this.

We're not even being sponsored by them.

No, we're not, but I use it a lot.

They've got like a hit list of like, I think it's normally like 37 best restaurants in the city, and it'll tell you what they are and what they are and stuff.

So do that.

Please.

Do that.

But for now, we will see you next week with another off-menu.

Bye, James.

Goodbye, Ed.

Go to hell, Daisy.

Hello, I'm Carrie Ed.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.