Ep 34: Sophie Duker

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

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And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

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And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

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Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

Oh, past the Duchy.

Past the Duchy.

I'm Ed Gamble, and over there, clearly eating a corn sausage is James Acaster.

Busted!

Busted, naughty little corn boy.

Delicious.

They've not even sent us those for free, and yet we're still eating them.

Benito got me into these.

They're amazing.

Corn cocktail sausages, so good.

Lovely.

Welcome to the party.

This is the Off Menu Podcast where we have a special guest in our dream restaurant and we ask them a series of things, don't we, James?

Would you like to tell us what those things are?

With pleasure, Ed, we ask them what their favourite ever starter, main course, side dish and drink are of all time.

And dessert?

And dessert?

How could I forget dessert?

Did I forget dessert?

If I

James?

I'm a different man.

Have you been to some sort of like a hypnotist?

Just put a sausage in my mouth.

I forget pudding exists.

Oh, no.

I hope you did forget dessert and I've not just gone mad.

Yeah.

Or what one of us has gone mad.

Well, I've just had a sausage, but maybe I've forgot.

I can't even hear the word dessert anymore.

Sophie, these, these, these veggie sausages.

Well, welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, where sausages make you forget dessert.

We live in a topsy-turvy, wacky world.

That's Richard Kurtz's next film, I think.

Someone eats a sausage, they forget pudding exists.

But who is the special guest in the Dream Restaurant this week?

I haven't haven't forgotten that.

No.

Sophie Duca.

Sophie Duca.

She is a wonderful comedian.

Gigs with her many times.

She's excellent.

Very funny.

Very, very, very funny.

Very funny and very excited to see what she picks in her dream menu in the dream restaurant this week.

I'll tell you what, though, Ed.

If Sophie picks a certain ingredient, I am going to have to chuck her out the restaurant.

That is the rules of the restaurant.

And what is that ingredient, James?

This week's secret ingredient is popping candy.

Popping candy.

It is pointless.

Popping, I hate it.

Yeah, it's very annoying.

Yeah, the first time you have it, fair enough.

Open your mouth, hear the popping noises, show your mates.

But, like, do you know what?

Not anymore.

That sums you up, I think, that you would show your mates at this point.

Stop eating that sausage now.

Why are you eating the sausage now?

I stopped eating it long enough to remember what popping candy was, and then I

started eating the sausage again.

Well, if Sophie says popping candy, she is out of the restaurant.

But I'm sure she won't.

I'm sure it would be an absolutely delicious meal.

Shows crossed.

Let's hear it.

The off-menu menu of Sophie Duca.

Sophie Duca.

Welcome, Sophie, to the Dream Restaurant.

Well, thank you.

It's beautiful.

What can you?

Oh!

Welcome, Sophie Duca.

Hello.

James is a genie waiter.

As you can see, I don't need to tell you anything.

As you can see, I'm a genie waiter.

Did the waistcoat give it away?

It's a lovely waistcoat you've got on today, James.

Thank you very much.

Do you like it, Sophie?

I think it's garish.

Yes.

Yes, garish.

It's appropriate for your genie magic vibes.

I'll turn around, you can see that I've actually got garish written on the back in diamonds.

You anticipated the diet.

Diamond studs.

Do you want to take us through some of the things you've got hanging off the waistcoat today?

There's quite a lot of accoutrement.

Yeah, I've got some fluffy dice.

Yeah.

And

that'll be smelly dice.

Yeah, they are stink.

Absolutely stink.

The old stinky genie dice.

Yeah, and I've got a fluffy snakes and ladders game to go with the dice as well.

It's a lovely outfit, James.

Thank you very much.

Well done.

Thank you very much.

Garish.

Now we've covered your outfit.

Let's welcome our guest to the restaurant.

Welcome along, Sophie.

Do you go out and eat much?

Do you do a lot of home cooking?

I like cooking.

I really like cooking.

I find it very exciting.

because you feel like you're a sort of magician while you do it.

I like it.

It's like it relaxes me.

I do eat out, but I do not deliver.

Right.

I don't get food brought to me.

I think it's

a hard and fast rule.

I mean, it has happened, but I'm just like,

I don't like not knowing what's happening on the way from

it being put in the box.

Yes.

I don't like not knowing what's happening between the restaurant and your house.

Interesting.

Because it takes, like, I don't know, like, two hours to get there.

You don't know what they've done on the way.

What sort of things do you think they're doing on the way?

Just honest answers.

I think they.

Okay, firstly,

I don't think that

I'm going to sound like a bad man for all these people on zero hours contracts.

I don't think they take it straight away.

I think they're quite leisurely about it.

And I think they look at it before they shut it away.

They're looking at.

And that's the last thing you want.

That's not what what you want.

I just think, I just imagine someone looking at my pizza and assessing all the stuff that I've chosen to do.

Judging your toppings.

Judging my topping.

And then

it's like as soon as it touches the air, it's like a baby.

It starts to degrade and get old.

And

I don't, I like it coming.

I would eat food straight from the pan if I could.

And like putting it in a box and taking it to me is just like, there's no.

I wish, I think we've, there's many footnotes there.

Yeah.

And everything you just said,

we need to take you through that again.

You think people are looking at your pizza?

Yeah.

And you're worried that they're judging it?

Yeah.

I don't know if it's the people who make the pizza who are just looking at it before they put it in the box.

The people who make the pizza will have to look at it.

Yeah, they got it.

Unless I get it delivery from

Don Lenoir.

Don Lenoir, yeah.

Where they're all blind.

And so they won't be.

That's the only place they're going to be.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

That's true.

I'm not weird about that.

Don Lenoir is a restaurant where the people eat, you eat in the dark, right?

I don't know why you think it's dark in the kitchen.

I don't know why I think it's dark in the dark.

And we're just going to leave the fact that you think that babies degrade as soon as their face touches the air.

Yeah.

But that is what happens.

That's what happens?

As soon as a baby's born.

But only in like a

period of years.

Yeah, yeah.

On a period of years.

Because obviously your two-hour delivery isn't going to that's not like a baby.

No, it's not like it's not like a baby.

It's not like a baby.

I don't think it's logical.

I just don't like, ooh, the take.

And you also don't know when they've arrived or they might take it to another house, which always happens to me.

I always get wrong people's deliveries.

That happens a lot.

Yeah, it happens to me.

I understand the female wanting to eat it from the pan.

I mean, that's very nice.

So, like, if there was a restaurant where that was how they did it,

you'd probably be straight there, right?

If there was like a.

Those Japanese restaurants, they make it on the

table.

Yeah, on the ground.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think it's from

the reason I think this is because of Narnia.

Could not have guessed that.

Could not have guessed that.

That's a big left turn.

In the line in the Witch and Wardrobe, when they go and they have fish

with Mr.

Thumnus.

No, not the Mr.

Thumnus, but the badgers.

Right.

No, not the badges, the beavers.

They have, oh, God, they have it with the beavers.

They have fish with the beavers.

And then C.S.

Lewis just kind of does like a little sideways assign and it's like, reader, have you ever had fish that is like 10 minutes out of the water and five like minutes out of the past?

So that's stuck in your head, that lodge.

There's a lot of food in those books, like Turkish Delight.

There is that and he does describe, I've never thought about that, but he describes it very nicely, doesn't he?

He's very good at so Turkish Delight.

I don't think there are many kids who have eaten Turkish Delight before they read that book or have it read before.

No.

Like most of the time it's the first time you've ever heard of it.

So you have no concept of Turkish Delight.

And the way that he describes it does make it sound like the best food in the world.

And it is a letdown when you have it for the first time.

It's not nice.

It's like cider in Fantastic, Mr.

Fox.

You're getting where I'm getting all my.

He's like, it tastes like sunbeams and rainbows, and it's just nice.

Yeah, yeah.

It tastes like apples, I think.

It tastes like apples.

Really like the fact that you bought up Tumnuso and the Turkish Delight and all that stuff because that is.

I think for a few years, Turkish Delight was my favourite food and I hadn't eaten it.

Oh, yeah.

Because I was like, yeah, if you had eaten it, you know it was.

That's the best food for the world.

It's quite weird, yeah.

Kids' books, especially, like proper good kids' stories, have so much food in them.

And weirdly, I went through a period of listening to the Hunger Games audiobooks a couple of years ago.

Did it?

It's basically a story about a restaurant and then people get killed.

There's so much food in it.

There's so much description.

There's one bit that was just like describing some lamb for like a whole chapter.

Wow.

But

then they sick it up.

So what happens is the really posh people eat loads and then they take a little pill and sick it all up so they can eat some more.

Oh yeah.

It's it's about it's about um uh it's like political.

Personally, the hunger games.

Yeah.

Oh, I just realised it's called the Hunger Games.

We always start off with water choice.

If you want still or sparkling water.

Ooh.

Is this thrown you already?

No.

I did know because I have listened.

Do you want to know how long it's going to take to get from the kitchen to you?

Can you imagine what's going to happen to it on the way?

As soon as the bubbles hit the air, they do degrade.

Like

thousands of little babies.

So you're going to be old water,

old man water.

Baby bubbles.

I, okay, so I've got what I think is the cool answer.

Oh, okay.

I think it's because I listened to Cindy and she was like, I just want

warm water.

I think she said that.

She's like, I don't like cold water.

Do you know what?

Cindy's so kind of like authoritative that like...

I probably didn't question that when she said it at the time.

But now you've said it, I'm like, why did I not pull her up on that?

But I mean, okay, it makes me seem like a dick.

Because I obviously want sparkling water.

Can I please have some sparkling water?

Yeah, of course you can of course you can I feel like it's just a stupid choice.

Why?

Why is this?

Because when I started drinking sparkling water I thought it was really sophisticated.

Yeah.

Like I wouldn't call it fizzy water.

I'd call it sparkling water.

Yeah, of course.

And it was just like a way to feel like I was like a grown-up.

Uh-huh.

How old were you?

Probably about two.

No.

Maybe about seven.

The first time I had it, I think when I had it for the first time, I was like, oh my god.

Do you remember the first time you had sparkling water?

I think it was probably at a restaurant with my dad, which is where all my trauma lies.

I think I had it in a fancy setting, and he probably had wine, and I had some sparkling water.

And I was like, this is the same.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Swill it around.

Just the same.

Yeah.

You made all those noises.

Delicious, yeah.

I think you're right.

It does feel more sophisticated.

It's more sophisticated.

You can have water.

It's basically spit.

Water is basically spit.

You're not the the first person who said that.

Jordan Banjo also thought that water was basically spit.

Oh, yeah.

He said that water was basically spit and that's how he thinks about it, so he can't drink it.

Yeah.

And

that's like in my head, every time I've had water since, I thought, well, it's just a glass of spit.

And now it's a bit of a drink.

And Jordan Banjo said that to me, now Duca's double down on it.

Yeah, it's definitely.

It's just spit.

And it's been through loads of people.

I mean, I'm sorry, I don't need to go into this.

This is being really like nostalgic for me.

Yeah, because all the water you drink's been through at least five bodies before you.

Are you sure about that?

No, I'm not sure.

Why are you getting this far?

Because it's like rainwater, it comes down and like

when you drink it and you piss it out and then dinosaurs drink it and they die and then

Henry VIII drinks it and then now all the rainwater gets

not fresh.

Every glass of water you've had has been through Henry VIII.

Yeah, I guess so, but I thought you were making out like, you know that coffee bean, the little monkey eats it and poops it out.

Yeah.

And then you have the coffee bean.

Oh no.

Do you know what I'm talking about that?

No.

So there's a coffee bean.

Yeah, it's like a proper thing.

The delicacy that people pay a lot of stuff.

It's really expensive.

The little animal eats it, shits it out, and then they make coffee out of it, out of the coffee shit.

And I thought that's what you meant by the water's been through five people.

Like they were in the kitchen.

The water has been through five people.

Yeah, and they're drinking.

I'll only have sparkling water.

I've just realised this.

If I'm like in Spain, because I can order it by saying aguacon gas, and that makes me feel real fancy.

Whoa.

Agua con gas.

That is really fancy.

Right?

I think, I think, I don't know if this is Italian.

Agua Con gas is good.

Frizzante?

Oh, I think that's Italian.

That's

a shampoo.

Yep.

Shampoo.

Antifzante.

Anti-frizzante.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, whenever I order friszante in Italy, ugh, horrible.

It tastes like shampoo.

It's so thick.

The water's so thick.

Bubbly.

Bubbly, though.

Bubbly, so bubbly.

Poploves or bread.

Poploves our bread, Sophie.

Pop loves or bread.

Not poppadums.

I don't like poppadums.

What?

What?

Well, then there's only one other choice.

This is the first person who said they don't like poppadums.

I think they're overrated.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

Also.

I'm not angry at that statement.

It's a controversial episode already.

Actually, with every single turn, Sophie's got a bit of a controversial take on it.

I'm not trying to be controversial.

What the delivery drivers are doing with your stuff.

Looking at your pizza.

The glass full of spit.

It's been through eight people or whatever.

Now we've got overrated popadums.

Popadums sound like a fun snack.

The food that I have had delivered in the past is Indian food.

I have an Indian restaurant near me, which I really love because the main chef there is so bitter about having been ejected from Bombay Bicycle Club.

Not the band.

Although it is unclear.

So he's just so bitter there.

Like the back of the menu is like his biography and how he got ejected from one of your bicycle groups.

Really?

Yeah,

it's called Art of Spices.

The menu is like, I got kicked out.

He was just like, yeah, I worked at...

I just remember reading it and just crying with laughter.

But the food is like phenomenal.

And I will get, I used to live on top of that shop, but now I've moved and I will get it delivered because it should, yeah.

Anyway.

Are you crying now a bit?

I could see tears coming from you.

You're genuinely crying now, remembering the menu.

But you've done it a really great way around, which I've never seen before.

I've seen people cry with laughter before, sure, you know, I'm on tour.

But you started crying before you started laughing.

Yeah, but you sort of crying.

Yes, I've never seen anyone do that.

And I just remember crying, laughing, and then the tears started, and then you started laughing.

You said crying, laughing.

Tears started just flowing from your eyes, and then the laughter caught up a bit.

But like

laugh until you cry.

If you cry until you laugh.

There we go.

Yep.

I don't know.

Does that help?

Is that the way you meant?

Oh, yeah, you laugh and then.

You laugh until you cry, right?

Yeah, you're going.

Yeah.

Yeah, normally people laugh until they cry.

You cry and then you start laughing, which is like...

It's like if a baby was born old and started becoming young.

Yeah, that's what it is.

It's opposites.

You're a bendrum and baby.

I'm just like, oh, this is so funny.

Yeah.

And then I have to process how much that means and then I can relax and laugh.

Or your body knows that you're going to cry laughing at it anyway.

Yeah, then I'll say it.

off at the same time.

Should we start with dessert today?

Can if you want.

No, it's not sad.

I feel badly about it.

I just, I feel for.

No, just mean, if you want to do this whole thing in reverse, we can.

Okay, no, I want to do it in the proper order.

Okay.

Shout out to

that chef.

Yeah.

Bombay bicycle.

The Bombay Bicycle Club.

But they put it, they put it, it's like a compensation for your order taking too long.

They just give you free pop-a-doms.

I've never not had free pop-a-doms.

Yes.

Why would you want what?

I don't, it's not a thing.

What do you mean it's not a thing?

It's not filling.

No, but it's like a little just get the mouth ready.

Sorry, I'm actually weeping and I think it's upsetting you.

You are.

No, no.

I very much like the fact that you're our first guest to cry all the way through.

No, no, no.

So

you think it's not a thing?

It's just like, sorry that this is taking so long.

Here's poppadom.

And it doesn't taste much.

And then they give you the chutneys.

And you're like, I don't.

You don't want any of those chutneys?

No, I don't want any of the chutneys.

So your problem with it is that you don't want it.

But you want.

So are you in that situation thinking, I would like something because this has taken a while.

I would like to eat something.

No, I want the curry.

You want the curry.

So

to you, it represents lateness.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like a text being like, I'm just around the corner.

Yeah.

It's like,

no, no, you're not.

No, you're not.

That's a lot of pop-a-dum is.

So you think that they are giving you pop-a-dums basically to give you something to just just occupy your mouth while the main thing gets ready yeah it's like it's like throwing like a yeah an obstacle in your way it's like get through this and then we'll see about the

about the corner okay but but bread some people would argue is the same

they do the same trick with bread they do do the same trick with bread but

bread is like

bread isn't bullshit basically bread isn't bullshit whichever

the listeners can't see that that's what your t-shirt says.

No, the bread.

Bread isn't bullshit.

I'm very pro-bred.

I wasn't really pro-bred before I lived in France, and I thought they ate too much bread.

Hold on a second.

What?

I did not know you lived in France.

I lived in France.

I knew you lived in France because I've heard you on another podcast.

Oh my god.

Ed listens to podcasts, so I'm not so pleased.

That's research.

So how long did you do France hold?

I mean, I don't tread on the territory that's already been covered in other podcasts.

Oh no this is going to be bread.

This is going to be bread-based.

I lived there for about 365 breads.

Yeah.

Because they eat bread every day.

Every single day.

They eat bread

all the time.

Too much bread.

They eat like you go and get a baguette and they have it with breakfast and then you have it at lunch and then it's stale the next day so you throw it away.

They make them too long.

They're too long the baguette.

They're too long.

But good.

Because it's like it's important to have the bread.

Yeah.

Always to go out and get bread if you've got people over.

But real French people, which I was living with, they have that bread, but they also have like a thing called Frank's American Loaf.

What?

It's like you get it in a plastic bag and it's called Frank's American Loaf.

And it never, there was one in like the cupboard for three months and it doesn't change colour.

Wow.

And that's the bread they're like, when they're like, okay, we're chill out, like behind the scenes, we eat this bread.

So in France, they're all eating Frank's American Loaf.

So baguettes are just for PR, basically.

Yeah, baguettes are just like, oh, we've got to get walking down the street.

They're all.

Eating my mother.

But then they're like, oh, when the Boulingerie is closed, out comes Frank's American Laf.

And it's like real processed white bread.

Really?

It's pretty bad.

Real bad.

Oh, Frank.

Awesome.

I've never heard of Frank's American Loaf before.

I like saying it.

Frank's American Loaf.

It's like, this is like when I first heard about Turkish delight.

It sounds absolutely delicious.

Suddenly Frank's American loaf is my favourite bread.

I don't think the white witch could have tempted Edmund with a Franks-American loaf.

Do you not think so?

No,

it would have seemed creepy.

Yeah, if she said, maybe you'd stay with us if we can tempt you with some Franks-American loaf.

The baguette, I mean, French bread is amazing, isn't it?

It's pretty good.

It's so good.

It's pretty good.

And it's like ephemeral because it goes stale real fast.

So that's the beauty of it.

And it's like a daily thing of going to buy the bread, like the routine of going to get the bread.

My girlfriend lived in Paris for like six months.

So when I used to go and stay with her, she lived basically above a bakery every morning, go down.

She used to go and get the baguette and would come back, and it was like a one-minute walk.

And then she'd always come back, and the top had been eaten.

Yeah, you go to the bottom.

Because they put it in that bag where it's poking out the top.

First thing you're going to do is nibble it.

This proves Sophie's point about ordering food.

You don't know what's happening between the place you get to.

Yeah,

I think they.

Sure, what?

You've probably indicated there, Sophie.

Just nibble, nibble,

that's a one-minute journey.

Who knows what's happening over two hours?

I don't think it's possible to get a baguette and not nibble the top of it.

Yeah, but you have to as well because it's touching the air, so it's immediately degraded.

Baby bread.

You've just got constant problems.

You've got to eat the baby before it grows up.

That is a French.

What's that?

Sounds nicer in French, that's saying, doesn't it?

Monge le babe.

Yeah.

Monge le baby is very good.

Is your bread then, your bread choice, from your time in France?

Is it like

a bread that you had there that is the best?

No, it's not.

My bread is a bread from a Turkish shop in Dulston where they used to make fresh bread every night but then lie about it.

And you go,

you'd go in and they'd ask for some fresh bread and they'd be like, there's some bread on the shelf.

I'd be like, I know, I can smell the bread.

I know there's bread here.

And it was the most amazing bread that I'd ever had in my life.

Why are they lying about the bread?

I don't know.

Are they waiting for like regulars to come in, or is it like a are they like there's some Turkish people who are really going to want some bread?

I think if you don't speak Turkish, they assume that I think what happened was that someone like slipped up and I asked for some bread.

Yeah.

And there was no bread on the shelf.

And he was like, oh, well, I could get you the bread from downstairs in our secret.

And I had it, and it was like, it was, it was the most beautiful bread I've ever, it was so delicious.

You could just, like, it was, oh god, it's like a big duvet of bread, and it was like piping hot.

Yeah, it's like, it's shaped like a surfboard.

Yes.

And it's like hot, and it's just like, it's just like, it's, it's delicious.

Is it what?

What?

So it doesn't sound very baguette.

No, it's not.

It's like flat.

It's big and flat, like a like a like a duvet.

So it's got the consistency of a duvet as well.

Yeah, kind of like a duvet, like a pillowy bread.

Yeah, pillowy.

And you can dip it in things.

You can use it to mop stuff up with.

Maybe they don't want to sell it to you because that's their duvet.

They're all sleeping under that.

That's why it's at night.

I've just cooked myself a new duvet and we've sold it to that lady again.

Oh, no.

I mean, I don't think they'd be able to sleep under that without sleep eating.

Sleep eating under that.

They won't start eating it, yeah.

Does it have like sesame seeds on the top?

No.

That's plain.

I don't, I can't.

It's so good.

But then it got taken over.

The shop got taken over by a new family.

Called Frank.

They started selling American loaf.

Get out of here.

This is fun now.

We got one loaf.

Stop selling the bread.

They wouldn't give me the bread.

So they still do the bread?

Hold on.

I don't know if they still do the bread.

They won't give me.

I've also moved.

So I can't investigate.

But they're all very cavalier at the shop now, and they don't.

I don't think they're poor.

It's very sad.

So it's still a bakery.

Oh, no, it's like a, it's like an off-licence.

Oh, yeah, it's probably like.

So they probably stopped doing the bread.

No, no, it was always an off-licence.

They had a secret breaker.

It was always an off-license.

Oh, so hold on a second.

It was always an off-licence, and there was a secret bakery in it.

Yeah.

You love the sound of that, don't you?

Yeah, I love the sound of that.

I feel it's great.

So you would go in and you'd be like, this is looks like a normal off-licence.

Yeah.

But there's a smell of fresh bread.

There's a smell of fresh bread.

And so where is that that bread?

Where's that bread coming from?

Maybe it's their house.

Unless you are.

Yeah, it sounds like you were occasionally going, go and get me that bread.

I know you've got bread in there.

I know you've got some bread in there.

You can go and get me that bread.

Oh, okay.

She's back again.

Just off to their flat upstairs.

Give this lady our shopping again.

Oh, we're going to have to move.

We can't afford to eat.

I drove them away.

Yeah, I do, yeah.

I found another shop.

Uh-huh.

But it's a kebab shop, but I go in and ask them to make me bread.

So they've got, so that's no more Turkish bread, is it?

It's Turkish bread, but it's not the same, it's not as good.

But it is very...

So this is incredible.

You just walk into Turkish establishments, regardless of what they do, and demand they bake you some fresh bread.

Yeah, that is what I do.

I know you've got bread on the premises.

You must do.

What are you wrapping the kebabs with?

Yeah, yeah.

I have actually said that before.

What are you wrapping the kebabs with then?

They use the bread to wrap the kebabs with.

So I was just like, I was like, can I have some bread?

And there'll be someone near there, like, bread.

And I'm like, what are you wrapping what you're wrapping those kebabs with then oh she's got us she's got us again

why am I crying crying again here come the cheers

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So we come to your starter now.

Okay.

What emotions will this trigger for you?

Happy sad ones.

I think the point of starters is that you can have many starters.

So this is a flawed round.

Okay.

So we're making you pick one.

Yeah.

Okay.

But if you were going to a restaurant by yourself,

would you order multiple starters?

If you were having a main end a dessert.

Oh.

No, I wouldn't.

I'd be too ashamed.

Well, you don't need to be ashamed in the dream restaurant.

Okay.

But you can only order one starter.

Yeah.

But you're perfectly welcome to give some honourable muncheons.

Honourable muncheons.

Yeah, pretty good, right?

I like that.

I think I'm going to go straight in, but I might remember things when I go straight in with the starter.

And I think a good starter is like it's satisfying.

Like it could maybe be like a snack or a meal.

It can't just be like,

oh my god, oh god.

Sorry.

Here we go.

Okay.

She's off.

Straight to anger.

Oh, God.

Okay.

There's no, with Sophie, there's absolutely no bridging emotions.

Zero to 60.

Tears, anger.

No, I went.

Oh, I think I would have.

Oh, my God.

I went to Oslo, not the place, but a like sort of bar club thing in Hatney.

And I ordered a starter, which was like an asparagus salad.

Uh-huh.

And it was like, it's an asparagus salad.

It's got like beetroot, it's got pine nuts, it's got mozzarella.

And I was like, this sounds lovely.

I'm going to order this salad.

And I'm going to have a meal of the starter.

So I had that and I had some like duck triple cut.

I can see you welling up and I'm going to

laugh.

Absolutely loving this episode.

Oh, God.

And then

I ordered it and they brought me a slab which had like four asparagus heads on it.

Yeah.

And it had like a drizzle of pink like tubby custard on it because all the other ingredients...

Tubby custard.

All the other ingredients had been blended.

Oh, yes.

And just drizzled on it.

And they were selling that for like six pounds.

And I was like, I know how much asparagus costs.

So they blended everything, but you can't put that as an ingredient.

They put it as separate ingredients.

That's not on.

But I love the tubby custard reference.

Yeah.

I hadn't thought about tubby custard for a long time.

Worth it for the tubby custard reference.

Yeah.

How much of that did they eat?

They ate it all the time, right?

I think that's all they ate, right?

That's all they ate was tubby custard.

The idea of you going into the kitchen to complain about that is just Nunu, the Hoover.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think I did my first tweet about that.

About tubby custard.

About that salad with the tubby custard on it.

I was so angry.

Your first ever tweet.

Maybe not my first ever tweet, but like in the first

50 tweets.

I was like, what's all this about?

I'm going to leverage my influence.

So that's not your choice.

That's not my choice, but I'm like, that's not a good starter.

A good starter has to almost be a meal.

Yeah.

But it has to be kind of like fancy and have a little bit of flair

because you're like, yeah,

like that's.

It's an introduction to the meal.

Like in a mousse, I don't know if a mousse bouche is a starter.

But you're not.

I think in a mousse, an amuse bouche.

Yeah, like a little canopy.

But by definition, to

sort of excite the mouse.

Yeah.

That's sort of smart it could be, right?

Still, though.

I think that could be a loophole on the podcast.

If a guest wanted to do that and come on and go, I'm going to add an amused bouche to this.

I think we'd have to go, fair enough.

Oh, this might be an amused bouche, but you can judge for yourselves.

Okay.

I think things that make things fancy are things that are a bit incongruous, but not completely insane.

Like peaches.

Okay.

Okay.

Get yourself a grilled peach.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I've only recently converted to the grilled peach situation.

Oh, it's so good.

Yeah, I've never really been into the fruit in savoury things.

I don't like that when it's like

cooked in.

Yeah.

But if it's just grilled, grilled.

Placed.

So how are you having this?

I think the place I'm thinking it of is: I went to my brother's graduation in America where I was not expecting them to have good food.

And it was at his like house, his like rugby house.

And they had like a spread for all the family.

And there was this like bruschetta with peach on it, and I think feta

or mozzarella.

I can't really remember, but it was a white cheese.

A white cheese.

Yes.

And they fucked it up with some balsamic.

Or maybe some mint.

So it's this.

I mean, it does, you're right.

It's a starter/slash amuse bouche.

It's a starter slash amuse bouche.

Yeah, nibble.

It's a nibble.

Yeah.

Pretty good, though.

Grilled peaches, I always find.

So you're recently converted.

You're a long-time listener.

love them.

I always find they're a bit maybe a bit too, everything that I love about peaches usually

is like they've kind of taken that away a little bit.

So they're a bit more bitter when they're grilled, not as sweet.

No.

No.

No.

Pull me out.

No.

Pull me out.

No, no.

I'll pull you.

No, okay.

Maybe they're a bit...

Maybe a tiny bit more bitter, but you should have like a properly sweet peach.

And then it's got like the griddle.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

You see the marks on it.

Yeah.

No, like almost so it's like caramelized.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe like a roast a roasted peach.

I don't know.

I feel like the marks on there are doing a lot of the heavy lifting.

Yeah.

I think you're doing a lot of eating with your eyes though.

You need those grill marks.

Yeah.

I love a grill mark.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I love it.

What's your favourite thing to have had a griddle mark on it?

A bit of bread actually.

Like if you

do like bread just straight onto the griddle.

Like dough onto the griddle.

Yeah.

I love it.

It looks like the food's in prison and I'm going to break it free.

You're trying to get it out of prison?

Yeah.

Wow.

You're the liberator of this trap.

It's a political prisoner, and I'm just the international.

I've come to break it free.

When you take it into the.

When you have a dump, do you pretend it's Andy Dufrane

falling out into the water at the end of Shaw Shank?

Yeah, but yeah, because it falls out into the water, and then he goes to the beach to meet Morgan Freeman.

Yeah, yeah, that's nice.

Very nice.

Andy Dufrayne.

So you want the, I mean, it does sound nice, the peach of the Gridamutz.

You say it should be caramelised, so then you get that sweetness back with a caramelis.

Yeah, you get the sweetness back, but you've got to start with a good peach, like James did.

Like James did.

In the story of James and Giant Peach.

James and the Giant Peach.

Back to children's literature again.

Because where all your food kind of seems to grow from.

Yeah.

It's all children's books.

Yeah.

But you've got a lot of savoury stuff on that peach.

So you've got a lot of different.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like cheese and.

Yeah.

Is balsamic savory probably not i think it's pretty savoury i think it's pretty savory

you could put bread underneath it it could be a salad you could have you could have a salad since i already have the bread i don't need the brochetta i could make it like chuck some pine nuts in there like was in that asparagus you're just riffing this yeah i love it but is that what you're gonna see that now fruit and salads that's where i start to get a little bit shaky sometimes but then

i've got into that more recently as long as it's like a salty set like say put an apple in but with like some soy yeah okay.

Yeah, I had that at a house party once.

Uh-huh.

I don't, I don't, it was actually a house party, but they had like a really nice salad.

You're going to some quality like house party.

So you said your brother's graduation in the house he was living in and they'd made grilled peach bruschetta for the people coming over.

And you went to another house party with an apple and soy salad.

I was, yeah, I was blown away.

Goddamn house parties that you're going to.

This is incredible.

Then you go to France and eat French American lunch.

And then just, you know, crash into an off-licence and demand they cook you bread.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

What a quality of life you're leading.

Yeah.

I mean, like, but the parties, I think a good party has good food.

Sure.

But I don't think I've been to any good parties then, really.

I've never been to many house parties where, like, help yourself to the apple and soy salad.

No.

That's pretty good.

That's pretty upmarket house parties.

I've tried to cook at a lot of my birthday parties, which has been really terrible.

While people are there.

While people are there.

So people are coming out, like, putting, I don't know, like, fried things in the oven, and then people come out and like descend on it like I think I tried to make chips a house party which is terrible.

I've done that before and it's the last house party I'll ever have because you're trying to stop people breaking shit.

Yeah.

And also

like yeah think yeah.

The one when Lou Sanders dropped the full bottle of wine on the floor.

Yeah.

What were you making?

I had loads of stuff like I did was that the year I did I did like pulled pork one year or like a massive like shoulder of pork and like I made like a massive bowl of guacamole as well.

But then all those like pre-made nibbles in the oven and stuff and just trying to get them out.

I think in my head i i was like having a sophisticated party and then i invited like 100 people no it's it's lovely but it's it's a mistake

yeah i wouldn't want to i mean i i don't cook very often anyway but like i wouldn't be confident enough to cook at a party that's like a that's ambitious yeah you said your brother was in a rugby house yeah

yes i did i did i knew you weren't gonna let that go yeah he was in a he was in a rugby house

what was that what's that so he he went to university in america america america

In America, in Michigan, which is a really sporty college, university, whatever they call it.

Really sporty school.

And he

didn't play American football.

I haven't got wrong what it is.

People are always like, oh, you mean American football?

But he decided to play rugby, which was kind of like for the cool...

slacker kids who didn't want to be so intense as to play American football at Michigan, which would be like signing your life away.

So he played rugby and he also didn't want to join a fraternity.

Although I think he got approached by lots of fraternities.

He was like, no, I'm going to, rugby's going to be my fraternity.

I'm going to be in this rugby house grilling peaches.

Yeah, grilling peaches.

But it was cool.

All the people who did rugby were really like, like, kind of jockey, but like also like artistic.

My brother's also amazing at cooking.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did he make the peaches on the Buchette?

Oh, I can't remember.

I don't don't think so.

There were a lot of them.

There was a lot, a lot of them.

There were a lot of them.

One of the two were excellent chefs.

Just daintily putting a sprig of mint on a peach.

Yeah.

I think this sounds good because I think you're one of our first people to actually sort of build your own dish for the starter as well.

I think people are normally like, I want this from this restaurant, I want this standard sort of classic dish.

You've built a whole dish there,

I don't like.

There's a.

Oh my god.

Okay, so.

Here she is.

There's a.

Who knows what's around the bench,

there's an amazing comic book called Chew.

Have you read it?

Yes, I love Chew.

Oh my god, it's so cool.

So, I think one of the things that

oh no, okay, so he has got the superpower that if he eats anything, he can like kind of remember the whole history of it.

So, like, if it's like an apple, he can see the tree where it's grown and how it's cut down and stuff.

Oh, so it must be a nightmare drinking a water and seeing all the dinosaurs and

Henry VIII and all of that.

Eat a pizza, he can just see the delivery driver staring at you.

That'd be quite good.

Would you like that superpower?

No, because then you can't eat anything.

I mean, it'd be good for you.

No, but then you wouldn't eat anything because you'd just see someone like spitting.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah, you'd see someone spitting on it.

So, yeah, he could eat it.

So he's a policeman as well.

He's also a policeman.

He's like a detective.

Yeah.

Does that help him solve crying?

I've never heard of it.

Yeah, that's helpful.

He solves crimes by eating stuff.

He eats it.

He's like...

a bit of a body and you can see who

yeah he doesn't want to but it's like if he's got that oh my god also this is set in an alternate future where chicken's been banned it's so good.

It's really good.

It's amazing.

But I think the girl that he's in love with has a thing where, for some reason, she doesn't want to eat the same thing as anyone else.

So she has to eat a completely different meal in the place where it's being eaten.

Someone has that power.

And I'm always like customising.

I don't want to eat the same thing as anyone else is eating.

So I've got a lot of condiments in my bag right now.

Right now, you've got a lot of condiments in your bag.

I think less.

than I have had, but more than two.

Sorry, Sophie, you're going to have to take us through all the condiments you've got in your bag.

You're going to do it like when when the Joker's arrested and has to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've definitely got a sachet of Tabasco.

Okay.

I've definitely got a little bag of paprika.

A bag of paprika?

Yeah.

What a bag of paprika?

Your bag.

Yeah, it was really, it was awful.

Tabasco paprika.

Because

there's a type of like really hot chili paprika or paprika.

I don't know which.

that I really like.

But it's quite hard and it's like quite good to add to meals.

Instead of like hot sauce in your bag, just have some chili paprika.

But I don't always have like the right utensils to gather it with.

So I put decantered from my big bag some paprika into a sandwich bag.

Then I've got a little baggie of paprika.

But once I did the same thing, and I was talking to someone who's maybe like vaguely important outside the BBC, and I put my hand in my pocket and the baggie of paprika exploded.

So I just put my hand out and like a puff of red

just came out like I was a wizard.

Oh god, I'm crying.

Come on the waterworks.

Yeah.

So I've got that.

I think I've got some brown sugar.

Yeah, of course.

Sounds sexy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Of course.

Look, who hasn't?

And I might have, so there's like, oh, this is really, oh no.

There's like a, I think

I have a sachet.

So in France, they have pom, they give away pomme fruit sauce in McDonald's.

And I also can't go to McDonald's in the UK.

I'm allowed.

I just don't go.

Yeah, don't.

So whenever I go on holiday, I'm like, oh, what's in the McDonald's?

And they have pomm fruit sauce and it's delicious.

So I got a sachet when I was living there.

And I was like, I'll save it for when I'm back in the UK and I want to eat pomm fruit sauce.

Yes.

But

I haven't opened it yet.

So you got that in your bag?

That's in your bag ready to go.

I think it was in my bag recently because I thought, well, maybe today's the day.

McDonald's in Paris.

Yeah.

You speak about your bag as if if it's this wonderland that changes every time you take it out.

Like, who knows if there's pom fruit sources?

Yeah, well, I recently repacked my bag.

I bought Paprika with me for sure.

That's definitely a.

Tabasco for sure.

Why don't you go in McDonald's?

I'm aware that we're pressed for time, but

every sentence that Sophie says prompts more questions.

Yeah.

So

why can't you go in McDonald's in England?

Because when I was small and watching friends,

like Monica and Chanda have this rule that they can only have sex on holiday.

Right?

Yeah, I don't know why you're now looking at it as if that explains the McDonald's thing.

Yeah.

So I was like, I shouldn't be supporting McDonald's, but I can on holiday.

Because it's like you do the cheeky thing when you're on holiday.

It's fine.

Like people forgive you.

That's

what goes on to a stays on.

What goes on to a stay-on-talk second?

Out of you and McDonald's, which one's Monica and which one's Chanda?

I think McDonald's is Monica.

Right, yeah, yeah.

yeah.

You're a comedian, you're funny.

Yeah, I'm funny.

It's a funny one.

Monica Donald.

You're witty.

Monica's witty.

Monica Donald's.

Monica Donaldson.

Doesn't work.

Doesn't work.

Yeah.

Come to your main course.

Oh, God.

What did I say?

We were going for the peaches for your.

I'd really like if this is really not comic, if you're just like egg and chips and then movie.

Because I like them.

Because I like egg and chips.

I do love egg and chips.

Okay, so honourable mentions.

I really like, I think the best kind of meat is from a barbecue.

Always.

Always barbecue meat is the best kind of meat.

But that's not enough.

I also really like lasagna.

Yes.

Because it's great.

Garfield had it.

Garfield did have it.

But I think the meal that I'm gonna have

would be a meal from my cousin's restaurant in Ghana, in Accra.

And

she makes just like incredible Ghanaian food, which is how you say it, Ghanaian in Ghana.

But people say Ghanaian, which is fine.

That's right.

No, but that's.

And I think I'd have some jollof.

Jollof rice.

Jollof rice.

We've had some controversy over these.

This is the third time.

Did you have a Nigerian on?

We had.

We had.

It's unrelated to food, but I won't get to it.

here's the thing now I'm having to have met so we've had this is the third mention yeah of dollar folks we've had we've had Selassie and we had Lolly

now you and I know now that it is you've pushed it over to two for

how do you say it

Ganyan Ganyan rice yeah yeah Ganyan or rice from Ghana yeah people say Ghanaian but in Ghana they say like ganyan so Selassie was also Selassie lent he was a very quiet very relaxed guest until it came talking about Jollof Rice and then he leant right into the microphone.

He went, Jollof Rice is not Nigerian.

It really is.

Wow, that's dark.

That's dark.

But it's true.

It's bad.

I've got into trouble because I've been bad-mouthing

Nigerian Rice.

Like, I was just like, I was with my mum on this thing called African Square, where they've got loads of African stalls and loads of people queuing up for their Jollof Rice.

And I was like, queuing up my mom.

I was like, oh, it's not even worth it because it's Nigerian.

And these girls came around and were like, what did you say?

I was like,

it's true.

And they're like, we had a fight about Jolloff Rice.

It's not, like, Nigerian food is

not good.

Do you really look?

You took that pause to make sure you were diplomatic and then just completely.

No, it's.

The rice is stupid.

It's all like fat, stupid rice.

Also, there's...

Fat, stupid rice.

They don't make it with long grain rice.

They make it with like fat, stupid rice.

Fat, stupid rice.

Also, there's a lot of, in my like auntie WhatsApp groups, there's lots of like myths about what's happening

like with food.

There's a lot of it is quite problematic and worrying.

Like a myth of plastic rice that people were making plastic rice.

Now, it's just because someone's had Nigerian Jollo and they think it's made of plastic.

It's terrible.

Please leave all of this in.

We've got to keep stuff because, like, you know, this is, it's become a running thing now.

It is interesting.

It is in trouble.

Nigerian Jollof Rice has been like, you know, trashed twice now.

Yeah.

And like, it's a shame that Lolly was the first person to mention Jollof Rice on the podcast.

So she just got off scot-free.

We weren't able to challenge her and go, because, you know, me and they don't know anything.

So we were like, oh, yeah, cool, that sounds delicious.

Yeah.

And then you and Selassie both said, that's a bullshit main.

It tastes like shit.

So your choice is Ganyan.

Ganyan.

Jollifies.

I would also, I mean, I won't accept it because I want it from my cousin's restaurant.

What's it called?

It's called Red Chili.

Red Chili.

But what really upset me is that she's, like, it's been quite successful and it's like based on my grandma's food.

And she ended up serving food to Boris Johnson when he was visiting Ghana

and it was a really conflicting moment for me yeah yeah what what was he like did did you get some no she just sent a pitch around to the family group and everyone was like

yeah

yeah'cause it's it's pretty cool that

like someone's visiting and that's the restaurant they choose isn't it

regardless of who it is?

No, yeah, but I mean yeah look I'm not no no uh

she does also like she she also like makes meals for like uh prisoners in Ghana.

It's like a really it's a really nice way she takes around like little food packages to them.

So I'm like you're doing a good thing.

Yes.

But then like Boris Johnson's just eating your like.

I don't think that bad prisoners don't deserve nice rice.

You should give all the bad

prisoners Nigerian Jollof.

Yeah, I mean no that's a bad sentence.

But we part of the punishment.

Enjoy your fat stupid rice you murderer.

Yeah so I probably have like the main there like some jollof rice from there with like a goosey soup.

Oh, this is what was one meal that I had, and she taught, my friends came with me to Ghana and she taught them all how to make Ghana food.

Yeah.

It was like the most, I started crying.

Yes.

Not today's

the first time.

The first time I was in the south.

You've run dry of tears today.

Yeah.

It was like okra soup as well.

Oh, yeah.

Love it.

Love okra.

Oh, so good.

So good.

And it was just, oh, and they had to like pound the like

fufu.

Do you know what fufu is?

Like, sort of

it's like plasticine?

It's not like plasticine, it's nice.

Yes, nice plasticine, nice plasticine, and you put your eat with your hands and you put your hands in the soup and you spoon it all up, and it's got like cow skin and crab in it, and it's all gooey and disgusting and delicious.

The only time I've ever had uh, I had some Jollof rice, but it was at a fancy, fancy ass restaurant called Ikoye, which has uh just opened in town.

It's really good Nigerian, uh, it's they oh, they say West African broadly, I think.

No, I don't think it is because I think it's a fancy ass place.

Saint Nicolese Jollof is also acceptable.

Right, okay.

Oh, okay.

This had crab on it.

Okay.

It was real good.

But I feel like

I need a more authentic Jolloff.

Was it stupid fat rice?

I don't remember it being stupid or fat.

Okay.

It was clever small rice.

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Now, your side dish.

My side dish is fried plantain.

That's easy.

Straight in there, this.

Yes, please.

Bam, no hesitation.

Yeah.

And is that from what is it from anywhere in particular?

I think I was really tempted to choose Kelewello, which is or Killiwilli, which is

plantain from Ghana, and it's quite spicy and like really specific.

You can get it by the side of the road and it's like all hot and you like wrap up in a newspaper.

But I'm just going to go for like pretty simple sliced fried plantain, ripe plantain.

I don't care who makes it.

Wow.

So it's a good question.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, it's so strong.

It's so strong.

But it's a good statement to make.

But it doesn't matter who makes it, they can't fuck it up.

It's difficult to fuck up.

Yeah.

It's that good.

Yeah, as long as they don't burn it.

Sure.

Or it's overripe.

Or they put too much stuff on it.

I think you need to get some big together.

Yeah, yeah.

Very quickly, it became like, no, actually, absolutely, mum.

So, I mean, that's delicious.

Straight to the point.

Straight simple, lovely side dish.

I mean, it feels like there's nothing to add then.

Nothing to add.

Although, like a trick, if you like frying plantain, what you should do is you should like cut it and then like keep the skin open, like a little sofa for the plantain,

and then put the plantain on the skin because the skin soaks up all the oil.

Oh,

just a tip.

Oh, that was a very good tip.

I told that to my Nigerian flatmate, and she had not heard that before.

Have you said other things to your Nigerian flatmate?

Oh my god, she pronounces it plantin.

Okay.

What the fuck?

I was more going back to the Jolloff for her.

Oh yeah, the Jolloff for her.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to antagonise her.

Any more beefs with the Nigerians?

I don't want to antagonise her by speaking about Jollov because she hasn't made any yet.

I haven't made any, but I will before I move out.

Yeah.

It's just like a parting gift.

Yeah.

But I it's more that she calls it Plantin.

What?

It's just funny that you say it and then you have a faraway look in your eyes.

You kind of look at and going, actually, that bothers me more than I thought.

And to drink

with all this.

Okay.

Can I have an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic drink?

Let's hear them.

Let's hear them first.

Okay.

So I recently had a great drink, but I've only had it once.

I was at a party and my friend had a bar and they were serving salted Palermos.

Have you had that?

Then what goddamn party did you get?

It was great.

It's bottled.

It wasn't like a fancy drink, but it's basically like slightly sorted.

I guess it was sorted grapefruit juice.

Right.

And grapefruit juice I used to buy when I was at uni because no one really likes it.

Because, you know, people at uni,

so I was like, no one's going to steal my juice.

Or if you buy orange juice or apple juice, people are like.

Right, okay.

But did you like the juice or were you just buying something that everyone hated?

I hated yourself.

A bit of both.

And my friend, I said that to my friend at uni, and he was like, you're a bad person.

But the idea of you drinking that juice, going, I hate this so much, but it's mine.

No one's touching it.

The sauce Palermo is amazing, but I've only had it once.

I stole a bottle to bring home and try later, but I don't want to choose that.

So that's a non-alcoholic

sort of drink.

But also, kombucha.

I've recently got into

kombucha.

I love kombucha now.

And I used to have like a bit about it where I was like, it's stupid.

Who's kombucha?

But now I'm.

That was the bit, wasn't it?

Who's kombucha?

Like the whole bit was like a a kombucha guy.

It was that.

That guy was a doubt of himself.

I thought kombucha was a person.

Yeah.

Because I was on a podcast with loads of Americans from LA and they were like, kombucha, kombucha.

And I was like, oh, use this, bitch.

And then

all these girls.

So potentially kombucha.

I'd have kombucha as my non-alcoholic.

If I wasn't allowed to drink.

But you are allowed to drink.

Great.

So what's the alcohol situation?

And it might make you choose between the two.

If I'm choosing between the two, it's easy.

There's like

a restaurant in paris i went to on my birthday that i kind of found out about slightly randomly and it's about the size it's like can fit in about 12 people um they won't speak to you unless you can speak french and i went there and there was one waiter who looked really grumpy who looked a bit like you with black hair okay yeah yeah maybe it was you're my french twin yeah yeah um jacques

uh and

angry jack yeah yeah jacques was like you didn't confirm your book and you can't come in and there was no one in the restaurant.

It's really small.

It was like, but there's no one here.

And he was like, well, you didn't confirm it.

And then we sat down and there was like one chef there who

he either had one eye or like one eye was not there.

Okay.

I think that's why you say big.

I think it's a one-eyed check.

I think that's the same thing.

Yeah.

That's the same thing.

But I don't know if his other eye was open.

Maybe he couldn't see out of one eye.

He's either got one eye or one of his eyes wasn't there.

Yeah.

So it's a one-eyed one-eyed chef.

It's a one-eyed chef who was like furious.

And then we sat down to order.

And I was like,

I can do this.

I'm being fancy.

I'm like, I'm going to order.

I'm going to pay for everything.

So I obviously ordered the cheapest champagne, which is like a brute.

And he was like, that is not good champagne.

And I was like, well, why do you have it on the menu?

And he was like, no, you should get this champagne.

And I didn't want to be nagged on my birthday.

So I bought that champagne.

And it was like sunbeams and rainbows.

It was the most delicious champagne I've ever had.

Like all the food was delicious.

It was amazing.

But that champagne was just like incredible.

So I'd I'd have that.

Do you remember the name of the champagne and do you remember the name of the restaurant?

I do not remember the name of the champagne.

Okay, fine.

I think that the name of the restaurant was La Petrelle.

It's very hard to f like they kind of obscure it.

Like you go on to like I try to find it and I don't know if it's a message.

Does that mean the Cyclops?

Cyclops.

I don't know what it means.

I don't think it's a real word.

They just got like, plus I went on the website and it was like completely black, but then at the bottom there was like a line and then

that said like a number which I I called.

And then once I went on, and it was just like a soundscape,

different pictures of pop.

But it's not fancy, it's like quite a weird, dingy restaurant.

And I told, I was like working as a teacher, an English teacher.

I told my co-worker, and he was like, I've been trying to go there for years.

And I was like, there was no one there.

So it doesn't.

It's just a good champagne, mystery champagne.

The mystery champagne from the one-eyed chef.

Yeah.

That's what it's what you would like.

Yeah.

No, he might have been, had one eye.

Or one of his eyes might have been one of the missing one.

One of his eyes might have been missing.

It's amazing how many things appeared normal to me at this point in the podcast.

Like, I'd start with...

He didn't have two eyes, but I don't know why.

He either had one eye or one of his eyes wasn't there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it depends.

It's uh a half glass full, half glass empty.

Half what?

Oh, I've gone mad.

Half glass full, half glass empty.

Half glass full, half glass empty.

Is that what you just said, Ed?

My coffee's cold.

It's like a half glass full, half glass empty.

So that's having a half glass, but it's full to the brim with water.

Or just having a half glass that has nothing in it.

Half glass full.

Yeah.

So you have half a glass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All the way to the top.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or just empty.

And that's if you're.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And what?

What's that saying about?

If you're...

If you're half glassy.

Well, it's how you look at the world is

does that guy go, I have one eye, or does he say one of my eyes is missing?

Yes, okay.

You see what I mean?

Yeah, it would have been a pithy throw.

Half glass full, half glass empty.

But unfortunately, I've said half glass full, half glass empty, which this like when me and james were on mott the week together and i said uh belly full of pollid wally full of cash yeah

my favorite moment in comedy ever

when ed said that i was trying to say belly full of porridge wallet full of cash i can't remember why i was saying that but i said belly full of pollid wally full of cash it's amazing couldn't stop laughing

we're vibing at your dessert now Can I have a whiskey for dessert?

Oh, hold on a second.

What?

Interesting.

You would like a drink for dessert.

Yeah.

That's interesting, isn't it?

No one's done that before.

No one has done that.

So are you not a dessert person?

It's just a bit like, what?

Oh, no.

Why?

Why?

No.

Like, yeah.

No.

Why?

Look at James's face.

Look at what you've done to me.

Why?

I like does.

I like.

We'll just throw those brownies in the bed.

No, okay.

We'll just throw those brownies in the bed because you don't like them.

We've been sent some brownies from Lola's.

Yeah.

And Sophie seemed quite excited when they arrived.

But now you're saying why?

Because there's better stuff than dessert.

Okay, mate.

No, but I mean, like, when you want to name one thing in life that is better than dessert, and it's a.

I kind of like, I'm on board with this having a whiskey instead of dessert thing, but you're going to need to

pick chargers.

Me and Ed have a bit of a kind of like rivalry with the dessert course, where I am a big pudding guy.

I love all desserts.

Ed always wants the person to choose a cheese board.

Oh,

I think.

That was a positive sound.

No, no, I'm not going to choose a cheeseburger.

Cheeseburger?

Cheeseboard?

No.

But, like, you're the first person to go, like, almost just go, Do you know what?

Let's just leave.

Let's just leave.

Let's just leave.

What a great attitude to come to a dream restaurant where you can order whatever you want.

And it comes to dessert and you go, I'm just going to leave.

I'm just going to leave.

Okay, no, I could have it.

I'll take, I'll take a dessert.

No, if you want a whiskey, I think that's great.

We would like to encourage the whiskey choice.

Okay.

Just trying to understand it.

Okay.

I think.

I think also this, I realize, am I paying for this?

No.

okay, all right.

Well, if I was

right, but each other, Google all the places that Sophie just mentioned.

That'll be £200, please.

I think it comes from being like, I don't want to pay for the dessert because the dessert's usually artificially expensive.

I took my mum out for her birthday last night.

We had a dessert, which was angel food cake with Roebus ice cream and pistachios and strawberries.

It was delicious.

That was great.

But it was more expensive than it should have been.

Okay.

I think.

Also, they like split up the ice creams from the desserts.

They're always like, Would you like these three desserts?

Or would you like one of the scoops of our ice cream?

Yeah.

And it's like, I want a dessert and ice cream.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, now you're on the same page as well.

I want a dessert.

Don't be like, oh, the six pounds for this ice cream, but also more of a like.

It's just like, just accept that people want dessert and ice cream together.

But you can, you're in the dream restaurant.

You can have dessert and ice cream together, or you can have a whiskey.

I think you made a good case for a little whiskey.

The reason whiskey is that whiskey is like, I got you.

I got you.

Also, if you're like really full at the end of the meal and you have a dessert, then you're like,

you know what I mean?

But if you have a whiskey, you're like, what's next?

Am I dying after this meal?

Are you going to die?

Am I going to die?

No, we don't kill you.

No, no, no.

It's not like...

No, no, no.

It's...

You're not going to die.

No, no, you just eat the meal and then you have a happy life.

You will technically die after the meal, but

I don't know.

I can't eat it.

It's not my last meal.

i think

we will all die yeah and uh

many of us will still ask a lot of questions about your menu when we die out but like uh yeah yeah i'll get i'll get i'll go tomorrow when it's sunny i'll get an ice cream i don't want dessert now interesting so you're at the dream restaurant and you've said i'll get an ice cream tomorrow

yeah i'm fine i'm fine i'm going to be fine

why would it's dinner it's dinner it's dinner i love that you are full on an imaginary meal

is there any particular type of whiskey or are you just pretty?

Like

not a bourbon.

So you have and a scotch?

Yam and a scotch.

And I don't want it to be too smoky.

I don't mind having a Japanese whiskey, which is all.

Is that technically scotch?

Yeah, I think so.

I'd love a Japanese scotch.

A Japanese scotch, just to finish off.

Okay, let me read your menu back to you.

Okay.

Here we go.

You would like sparkling water.

Yes.

You would like...

Prizante specifically.

Yeah, prisante.

Sparkling water.

Problem was with bread, you chose the secret Turkish duvet bread from an off-licence.

That's not his good bread.

Oh, I'm sure it's delicious.

But it's reading it back and remembering

all of these dishes.

When you first said them, it's like, yep, normal dish.

And then the stories behind them don't make any sense.

Start the grilled peaches from your Brevis Rugby house.

Oh, main course, Jolla Frice.

And a goosey soup, is that?

From Red Chile in Ghana.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So great.

Side, fried plantain made by your mum.

Drink.

It says, it's champagne from the Cyclops restaurant.

And dessert.

You're just like a Japanese Scotch whiskey.

That's a lovely

menu.

Thank you.

A lot of tears along the way.

I'd love to eat that.

It sounds great.

It does sound delicious.

It sounds great.

Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant Sophie.

Sophie Duca there.

Delish.

And a very emotional episode.

Crying throughout.

And you think we're joking about that?

James made a joke early on in the episode that she'd be crying throughout the podcast.

She was weeping throughout the whole episode.

Because you're crying.

And we think in a good way.

We think in a good way.

We think she was

happy memories, funny things that made her laugh.

Yeah.

But she cries instead of laughs, Sophie.

I mean, yeah.

Yeah, look, her eyes do the work before the mouth.

Yes.

There's just a lot of weeping throughout.

Yep, fair enough.

Some Jolloff shots fired as well.

Oh, shots fired.

The battle continues

between the Ganyan.

I can now have to say it right.

Yes.

Ganyan and Nigerian Jollof rice battles.

Yes.

So, you know, any opinions on that?

Welcome.

We are.

feel free to tweet us on Off Menu Official with your opinions on who does the best jolloff rice.

Yes.

But she didn't say the secret ingredient of popping candy.

No, that would not have gone very nice in the rice, would it?

No.

I mean, she didn't really even have a pudding.

So the popping candy wasn't going to come into it.

You don't put popping candy in a whiskey, do you?

No.

I mean, it's probably worth a shot.

Explode.

Try one day.

Kaboom.

Kabooma.

Kabooma.

That's my prediction.

Make sure you follow Sophie on Twitter, Sophie Dukebox.

Sophie Dukebox.

Ask Sophie Dukebox, and you see all of her upcoming gigs.

Go see her live.

Go and catch her live.

Absolutely.

If they wanted to catch you live, James, where might they go?

Oh, to a venue?

To a venue.

Go to your nearest venue and ask for James A.

Caster.

Yes.

And for me, if you want to go on my website, edgamble.co.uk forward slash gigs.

If you're more of a stay-at-home type, I've got a comedy special available on Amazon Prime Video.

Yes, please.

Check it out.

I'll be watching that, Ed.

Oh, thanks, James.

Yes, I'll watch it.

Do you want to come and see me live?

I'm doing the Shepherd's Bush Empire on December 20th.

Oh, yes, please.

Cool.

I'll see you there, man.

Oh, I'll see you there.

And we will see you in the Dream Restaurant next week.

Goodbye.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.