Ep 32: Catherine Bohart

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

We'll just take this podcast with two spoons to share, please.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, Ed.

Hello, James.

How's it going?

Oh, you know, tickety-boo, I'm hungover and I wish I were dead.

You may remember that I was going to go and drink all that death by chocolate

that Kevin's Matthews recommended.

And I did it.

You've got the glassy eyes of a traumatised man.

Yes, yes, I'm a bit traumatised.

And I really hope I can pull it out of the bag and get some energy going

because I want to do the listeners proud.

I don't want to let the guests down.

It's very sweet of you, man.

I'm sure you're going to be able to pull it out of the bag.

Because this, of course, is the off-menu podcast where we invite a guest into our dream restaurant.

We're going to ask them what their favourite ever starter main course dessert, drink, and side dish are.

And our guest this week is Catherine Bohart.

Catherine Bohart.

Catherine Bohart, wonderful comedian.

Hilarious.

Hilarious comedian.

I've gigged with her a few times and I went to see her first hour in Edinburgh last year and it was excellent.

You lucky boy.

Lucky boy, it was excellent.

And also that year I saw a show by Catherine's girlfriend, Sarah Keyworth, who is another absolutely fantastic comedian.

Yes.

So in case Catherine makes reference to Sarah during the episode, that's who we're talking about.

Sarah Keyworth.

Okay, fair enough.

Yeah.

But no matter how good a comedian she is, if she brings up our secret ingredient, she is out on her ear, James.

And what's our secret ingredient this week?

Oh, you'd be referring to radishes there, Ed.

Radishes?

I have no time for radishes.

Ugh, boring.

They're so boring.

And I feel, I think I've had one radish in the past.

It was like peppery and exciting and crunchy.

But every other radish I've had since then is dead.

Yeah, and also the experience of it isn't worth it.

No, this is too hard biting into it.

I've got to get all your wrap your teeth round that.

If Catherine says radishes, bye-bye, Catherine.

So, without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Catherine Bohart.

Welcome to the Dream Restaurant, Catherine Bohart.

Hello.

Hello.

Welcome, Catherine Bohart.

It's the genie.

It's the genie.

I am always so relieved when people know that you're a genie.

Yes.

Because sometimes when we have people in here that we've never met before, and

they're like chefs or something, and I have to go, sorry, I should explain.

That man over there is pretending to be a genie for the whole podcast.

Sometimes you see the colour drain from their face as they realize they've completely wasted their morning.

Yeah, no, I knew what I was getting myself in for.

I thought, there's the morning gone.

Good.

I'm so excited to be here.

I love this podcast.

Oh, thank you very much.

And genuinely, as in, I have spent many lonely nights in hotels, because we do comedy, where I've just listened to the two of you and wished I bought more snacks.

Oh, yeah.

It makes people hungry.

It's a blessing and a curse.

I can only listen to it while I eat.

So it's really...

See, but that's a good tip because so many people get hungry when they listen to it.

And also, strap in, because recording it is where you get the hungriest.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I don't know.

You've got to be careful because then afterwards you just eat what's been talked about on the podcast.

That's what all our diets are now.

Just drinking the bread.

Or eating things that come up on the podcast.

It sounds like a great life you lead.

Also, you...

I know that you're supposed to be a genie, but and you're trying to do it all with your eyebrows at the moment.

Like, just the eyebrows are carrying the facade.

But it looks like a low-energy genie today.

No, no, I'm right.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

James is hungover.

Yeah, the lamp is full of booze at the moment.

It looks like you've been lying in there.

Swimming in Death by Chocolates.

In the Scinnis, the Tiarmari, and the vodka.

And I've popped out of it a little bit worse for wear.

Sure.

But that doesn't mean that I can't magic up all your favourite foods, don't you worry?

The food's not going to look sorry for itself.

Just the genie.

Unless you want it to.

No, no, but I do feel like I'm not.

I feel like any time I get a hungover looking waiter, I'm a little bit more distrustful.

Like,

are you writing it down?

The original?

I'm a genie.

I don't need to.

Oh, maybe today you might have to, man.

Yeah, I think maybe.

I agree.

If you get a hungover waiter, you can definitely tell they're hungover.

I'm like, oh, no, I'm not going to enjoy this.

Get the notepad out, my friend.

Have you ever had a waiter tell you they're hungover?

I have had a waiter.

So I was just in Oslo doing gigs, and this guy sat down with my friend and I at the table.

First of all, what are you doing?

Absolutely.

And second, I know you don't approve.

And second of all, was like, oh, man, I just, I'm so stoned.

And I was like, get out of here.

Like, and the thing is, it's confusing in Oslo because everyone's so beautiful.

So you're slightly more permissive.

So I was kind of like, well, he does have a cute ponytail.

So maybe it's a time.

It's Scandinavia.

You can say things like that.

But I was also like, please,

unacceptable unprofessionalism, please get out.

Yeah.

But yeah, so yes.

But also that.

So I apologise for the state of our genie waiter tonight.

You're not stoned at least.

You're not stoned.

You cannot tell.

Seems a bit like I am.

Yeah, it looks like.

Yeah, just a little.

Yes.

My mom puts Tia Maria's in smoothies.

Really?

She's like.

Like a morning smoothie.

No, not like, like, like milkshakes.

Like when her girls are over and they want to talk about rude things.

She'll make like a little...

She's a lot of shoulder movements going on here.

Yeah, she does a lot of shimmying.

Sorry.

She don't even mean to say boudoir any moment.

Yeah, they talk about rude stuff and they put Tia Maria in the movie.

Does she have the girls over to talk about rude stuff?

No, not like that often.

Well, fairly often.

I say more often than most mothers in that I know about it and I wish I didn't.

Have you ever been invited for the chat about a rude stuff?

No, I just sort of skip through and then they ask me inappropriate questions like, what's fisting?

And then I go,

I'm not your LGBT spirit guide, but also I'm not answering that.

Well, can I have some tea and Maria?

Yeah, no.

Do you think there'll be a moment where your mum invites you as like a an equal to talk to talk about rude stuff or do you think

no, my mother knows more about sex than I do.

I will never be her equal, nor could I even aim to be.

Especially in like willingness to talk about it, that I'll never meet her on.

She's so keen.

Right.

Yeah.

So you don't have to.

No, no prompting.

No, no, no.

Once she's doing drive-by watch fistings, then

you're probably.

She would do that.

She's also like, she's such a good ally, but like, she's such a keen ally.

Like, she's so, she's like, I feel like she might not do drive-by.

Well, she obviously did.

That's not what she meant, but I think she would do literal drive-by, like, get it, girls, if she saw that stuff.

Yeah.

She's so supportive

she's too supportive yeah i'm so sorry uh yes i've brought a fisting very early in the podcast but it was also paired with another a lovely like story about how supportive your mother is

she's very supportive a lot of people say fisting until the dessert so it's good to get it out of the way before we've even

it's better to do it pre-food but there you are sure yeah most people now are just like you know we get to we you know the podcast goes out

you know as it is we edit it down but normally you get to the dessert and we're like and for your dessert now i'd like like to be fisted, please.

And we're like, not again.

Look, stop it.

My mom did this push.

So obviously you always kick off with still a sparkling water.

Mm-hmm.

Still, please, but can I...

I feel like I always need to stress that I want a jug, not like, don't bring me a glass.

Like, I want a glass of water and I also want a jug so I know that there's more coming.

You know what I mean?

I get stressed.

I've never thought about it.

That's what I like as well.

Yeah, I get...

Who's bringing just a little glass of water?

Yeah, I want to know that, because

I quite like to be

top your own up, right?

Yeah, also, I would be, I'd say I'm an overeater, so I sometimes, like, I need assistance.

The water kind of helps me through.

Get it all down.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, please.

And I do want to be in charge of the jug

when I'm dining, because I don't like the people who are too eager with the jug.

So sometimes you have a with every sip you have, they come over and top it up again.

Yeah, can do.

I don't like that.

I completely agree with that.

There's a midpoint, isn't there?

You don't want waiters who aren't attentive, but you don't want waiters who are overly attentive.

You need that little middle point, just spotting when they need it.

My dad is an interesting fella,

and this is what he'll do.

And I'm completely on board with this now.

I used to find this embarrassing.

So we go to like a nice place, and like the waiter will keep coming over and topping up the wine and stuff.

And very early on in the meal, my dad will go, you're coming over a bit too much.

No, he doesn't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa.

I'll top up my own wine.

Oh, my God.

That's absolutely fine.

That's a fuck boy.

You're being a bit much.

Sorry, you're trying to take care of me.

That's a bit much.

Whoa.

Yeah, he's done that before.

Of course.

No, but I'm completely on board with it.

I mean, he does it in like a bit of a bit of a bit of a.

It's like, just to let you know, you're coming over a bit too much.

He sets boundaries early.

Yeah, I'll just pour, I can pour my own wine.

You don't need to worry about that.

Wow.

I mean, to be fair, at least I bet he never has anyone sit at the table with them and tell him they're stuck.

No, absolutely not.

Imagine what he would say to them.

I'm so stoned.

You fucking what?

We're going to need to set some real boundaries.

That's

pretty amazing, right?

Big move.

Yeah.

I don't know if I'm that confident.

I think by asking for the jug, what I'm saying is, I've got this.

I've got this.

I can be across the water situation.

One thing I do resent is when you get a jug for the table and somebody just tops up their own.

Oh, yeah, I really try and top everyone's up.

Yeah, I don't like eating dinner with like a solo topic.

Sort of Darwinian Darwinian drink.

Yeah.

Like, no, no.

It's like each to their own.

No, I want be nice.

Yeah, top up everyone's.

That's a scandalous move, isn't it?

It really is.

If you see that, it's like a car.

Yeah, you think, well, I'm not friends with you anymore.

Yeah, I can't trust you.

But I don't like people that I'm eating with topping up my water too much.

So very early on, I'll say, you're topping it up too much.

No, no, no.

Lose the entire friendship.

Pop it up softbread.

Pop it up salt bread.

I mean, it's.

That friend bonus.

It's very alarming.

It's like.

It is, and you knew it was coming, but he's always out of the breast.

I didn't jump.

I'm proud of myself.

I feel like you jumped because you're hungover.

Yeah.

Could you make it fast?

I was trying not to be sickle over you.

I didn't want to be like,

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

And I'm like, I didn't want to do that.

I think the only reason I didn't jump because I saw you jump.

I was like, oh, someone needs to take care of James.

I am.

Oh, it's tricky, isn't it?

No, I would say bread.

I'm going to go bread, but I want a selection.

Okay.

Okay.

You know, like I don't want none of this, like, here's your one type of bread business.

I want

a big old basket.

I want like a sourdough.

I want something with like grains on.

Yes, please.

I'd like a tomato bread or an olive bread.

Oh, yes.

Yes, please.

And also, once I was taken for my birthday at a very, very fancy dinner to Alan Williams of the Westbury, Switzwoo.

Oh, wow.

And they did like whipped butter.

Oh.

Give that to me.

Yes, please.

I swear to God, I wanted to like put it in my handbag, but you can't.

Apparently, you're not supposed to do that.

Which my friend who brought me there said many times.

Probably best that you don't put it in your handbag because you might accidentally use it as moisturizer for your hands.

Like you did before the podcast.

I did lotion up my hands with lip balm and then came in pretty lubed to sorry.

Well, really creating a reputation.

Hi, boys.

Hands are lubed.

Let's talk visiting hands.

Too sticky.

I need to go and wash them again because this lip balm I put on my hands instead of poisoning.

Geez, it's hard to make one mistake.

One mistake.

I think, but the whipped butter had apple in it.

Oh, wow.

It was crazy good.

What sort of like chunks of apple or just like apple flavoring?

I think they'd probably like

pulsed it in some way and then it was through it.

I don't know.

It was so fucking good.

It was so, so good.

But also, I quite like, you know, in France when they have those like crystals of salt in the butter, which is definitely so bad for you but i mean that is that is the best it's incredible my girlfriend used to live in france so you just go when when i'd arrive to visit her go and get a baguette and some of that butter with chunks of salt in it and i'd probably i could go through a block of that in a couple of days so my girlfriend's family are obsessed with the butter with salt in to the point that like the whole family yeah genuinely it's so it's like they like you we got to france about it went a year ago and i swear to god they like they're like locusts they like but they'll like want to carve up the butter like you would a pizza.

Like they're like, that's my section.

That's your section.

They're like, what are we doing here?

I was like, oh, butter.

It was like, no, fucking buy your own.

And I was like, okay.

That's why you wanted to put the apple butter in your handbag.

Yeah, just for me, in case we went on holiday.

But also the butter was insane.

It was so good.

I also like an olive oil and balsamic.

Sure, you can have both?

Salt on it.

I'm really into salt.

Salt's a big thing.

It's quite a big

spread you've got already for the bread course.

Yeah.

Which is fine.

I mean restaurants do that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean it's a lot to ask.

They're not gonna be happy about it, but whatever.

Hey look, we're fine with it.

We're always happy about it in the job.

Also if they're charging for bread, I feel like I get to ask for whatever I want.

How annoying is it when places charge for bread?

Well the cover charge when they say oh there's a cover charge or no when people like but when they literally put it on the menu.

Well but bring it to you anyway.

Or you mean when it's like a yeah okay I see what you mean.

Sorry it's taken me ages there.

Yeah it took you a while.

Because sometimes they'll bring bread but then there'll be a cover charge and they like basically charge you for sitting down and the bread will be to cover that off.

I will say this.

Hold on.

Did they bring it anyway?

Yeah.

Well, sometimes they bring it anyway and then you charge for it.

Yeah, it's crazy.

It's a goddamn rose.

That's awful.

Yeah.

But no, I agree.

When it's actually on the menu, like basket of bread.

Give me a break.

As a starter.

When they put in the little extra starter list where it's like bread and olives and it's like three quid or whatever.

Yeah.

Absolutely not.

It's an outrage.

I also, my least favorite is when you get to places and there's already bread on the table with clinging film over it.

What?

What is this?

Where the hell are you going?

I went to Lisbon and that was like a common trend.

I was like, make it end.

Is this yesterday's bread?

I don't want it.

No, thank you.

But the reason I'm ordering so much bread, to be fair, is I would like some to be left for my starter.

Oh.

I'm one of those people.

Let's go to the bathroom.

I'm happy for people to have some bread, but I also will watch to make sure we all got our fair share.

Will you take like two bits, eat one, and then have one on your little plate ready to...

What if the waiter comes up?

The waiter will come over.

Can I say that?

No, no, no, I'm keeping that.

Thank you so much.

And if you told him at the beginning of the meal that he was coming over too much, then that might not have happened.

Yeah, but he might not remember that because he's stoned.

Yeah.

This is it.

This is it.

So you're saving the bread for the starter.

Yes.

Then what could the starter be?

Okay.

I'm quite nervous about this one.

Okay.

I don't like starters.

Yes.

Oh.

There.

I said it.

I'm not into starters.

Oh, boy.

If I liked it enough and it was savory, just give me a mane of it, please.

But also.

So you get a little extra main at the beginning.

I'm just not.

No, no.

How are you officially beginning the meal if you're not having a starter?

Look, I mean, you're...

So I prefer dessert, obviously.

Because I have joy in my heart.

And go hot as London.

But...

Strolling in a meadow.

The only thing that I find, and this is where I'm going to lose, James, the thing I struggle with in dessert is the constant choice between cheese board and dessert.

I don't think you should have to choose.

I don't think cheese board is dessert, though.

Yep.

So

you're really playing with our hearts here, Kathy.

So I went to my friend Josephine's house recently for a dinner party.

And for starter, she did a cheese board?

Oh!

I'm back in the game.

She did a cheese board!

How has this happened?

She did a cheese board!

Oh, mama!

Oh, the meadow is on fire.

She did a cheese board.

Oh, the meadow's on fire.

No, it's good.

We're having a meadow.

You must feel better about this, though, James.

I know there's a lot of cheeseboard coming down later down the pipeline.

Sure, okay.

Yeah, yeah, I feel good about that.

Okay, wow, I thought you were kicked off.

How easy was that?

You can tell James is hung over, he's like, fine, I'll eat the cheese.

Come on, that's fine.

Yeah, cheese forage.

That's a stroke of genius.

For starters.

Talk me through it.

Okay, I have two questions.

Oh, I meant to ask this about the bread.

Do I still have a gluten allergy in the dream restaurant?

Interesting.

Or is gluten-free bread great in the dream restaurant?

I think we have, in the past,

people have been able to...

It's like

the diner's choice, whether they want to shun the...

Yeah, so some people have stuck to their dietary requirements and some people have gone, it's a dream, let's just go for it.

No,

I need a bit more, I think I need a bit more like...

Guidance.

Yeah,

I think I'm going to go with I don't have a gluten allergy.

Fine.

Yes.

So then I can have the good bread.

Yes.

Okay, great.

Similarly, I'm vegan.

Okay.

But I fucking love cheese.

Like when I'm drunk, the thing that I want is cheese.

And so I'm going to say that it's real cheese.

Because there's only one kind of good vegan cheese so far that I've tasted.

And that's the...

What's that?

You know, the Thine cheese?

Sarah Pasto gave me some.

I've had that.

It comes in a little wooden.

Yeah, the city in Newcastle makes this heaven and it tastes like it has the texture of goat's cheese.

Right.

And it's actually good.

I think, yeah, i think vegan cheese can recreate goat's cheese pretty well because that's like crumbly right because it's like basic ground up nuts really it's really really good whereas everything else tastes like glue i really like the uh

i feel like vegan recreations of stuff is often good for like the dirty fast food stuff yeah so the follow your heart slice cheese there's a jalapeno like slight cheese slices me a lost me at jalapeno

does it smell like feet they all smell like feet

smells like feet they smell like feet and they taste like glue i don't like it no thank you They're also so sticky.

I don't know.

Why are they so sticky?

It's like, no.

So that's not on your cheeseboard.

The Thai and cheese can be in there.

There's a truffle one.

Okay.

There's also a sundried tomato one.

It's excellent.

Yes, please.

But cheeseboard, I would say.

I still feel weird about cheeseboard, actually.

I thought I was okay with this.

I think it's great.

My only problem with a cheeseboard

for a starter.

Come on over.

It means we can have more dessert.

Come on.

You better deliver the goods later.

Okay, so first thing, Manchego and Quince.

Oh, yes.

Yes, please.

Manchego is in my top five cheese.

Oh, my God, I love it so much.

Beautiful stuff.

And like proper quince jelly.

I've had manchego with a bit of honey before, like at a tapas restaurant.

Really good.

I had a truffled honey before I went vegan.

That was pretty great.

So you're

a honey-denying vegan?

I don't know.

I don't know where I stand on honey.

I've had truffled honey somewhere.

Oh, in Manchester.

Oh, yeah.

Of course.

That makes sense.

Yes, a great place in Manchester.

I had some truffled honey.

Just to sum up how this podcast works, you're about to say something interesting about where you stand on honey within the vegan community.

And James just went, Manchester.

Manchester.

I had some truffled honey.

I liked it.

That's it.

I liked it.

It was good.

Truffled honey.

Who wants momentum?

You know what I mean?

It's nice.

Keep it realistic.

It's great.

I can't remember the name of it.

Here we go.

This will be half an hour, and then he'll suddenly scream the name of the restaurant at the top of his voice.

I look forward to it and probably give himself a fry.

Next time.

Manchego and Quinn, Stephanie in there.

Brie, yes, please.

Now, while we're on truffles, have you had truffle brie before?

No.

I'm going to change your life.

Go and find some truffle brie.

Okay.

So it's like a brie, but in the middle, there's like a layer of this like truffle sort of pasty stuff.

Oh my gosh.

I have it every Christmas.

It's part of the Christmas ritual.

I go to the shop up the road from my mum's house and I buy a huge slice of truffle brie.

Oh sweet God.

I don't know if I'm allowed to have it.

Maybe I can have it on Christmas.

Yeah, you can have it on Christmas.

Maybe.

Is that a child coming through?

No, the baby crying.

The baby cried.

The baby smells like drugs.

I'm not the only one that feels that way about the cheeseboard.

Poor little baby.

Do you really hate the cheese board that much?

Also, my mum used to do a cheeseboard in Halloween and she would collect leaves

and dry them, wash them, paint them with glue, like make a board of leaves, like autumnal leaves.

It was beautiful.

Okay, you don't know how to do that.

And put cheese on the button.

Just like make cover a board.

The leaves off the floor.

No, she would clean them.

How do you even clean a leaf?

It's still a leaf.

She would clean the leaf and then she'd coat it with glue, so it would basically be set.

And then she'd make this, she'd cover the board.

That's a healthier way of going about things, covering it with glue before you put it next to food.

I think it's more like a sugar glue.

Like, you know, like a

caramel type thing.

Yeah, like just to make it shiny.

I believe you said it was Halloween cheese?

No, she did a Halloween cheese board.

A Halloween cheese board.

Okay.

She would do like a barbecue for the whole road.

That's a whole nother story.

Do we have time for it, my mother?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She'd do do like a cheese board, and then she would do a barbecue where she'd do like burgers and hot dogs at the front.

The whole road, yeah, invite them over and go.

Yeah, and she'd make a huge time.

Do you know anything about Fisticick?

Whoever's gonna get a 69.

She didn't even know about it then.

No,

it's only since she started watching Orange is the New Black, which I also wish she didn't watch.

But anyway, you can have onions if you let me know about Belgic.

Oh, no.

I hope she doesn't listen to this and now ask me about Felgic.

Please help yourself to the leaf cheese ball.

Do you know what a dirty sand she has?

How dare you?

Oh God, I genuinely feel, I'm like anxious when I'm going to be asked these questions.

Yeah, yeah,

but she'd like bake a pumpkin and then serve a Thai pumpkin soup out of it.

It was amazing.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

That's really good.

That's delicious.

That sounds very good.

It was.

Nobody minded what she asked, but the sweat was excellent.

So, Munchego, Munchego.

Brie.

Maybe the truffle one.

I don't know.

I quite like a comte.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

That's in my top five as well.

Is it?

Yes.

Huh?

I fly for the flu in my face.

Well, then, how could you possibly be expected to listen?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Famously, if a fly flies in James's face, he can't listen to cheese.

A comte, did you say?

Yeah, comte, yeah.

Yes.

And, oh, I'd quite like some strawberries to go with my brie.

What?

Yeah.

Briwind.

What the hell are you talking about?

Well, if they're macerated in balsamic, and then you.

That's too much for me.

Is it too much?

I mean, it's your menu.

By all means, you have to.

Maybe just some apple, even?

Just an apple.

I believe, no, but I believe strawberries and brie is just known as strawberries.

I mean, that is the official name of it.

You are so happy.

Would you like some strawberries?

He looks so pleased.

James is constantly

one of the finest comedians in the world,

hugely inventive.

But when he comes up with a dad joke, at that level, that's the happiest he is.

I'm having a roller coaster ride today.

I was battling flies and stuff.

I'm trying to remember a Manchester restaurant.

And then I'll be.

We're having a cheese girl.

Strawberry.

Perfect.

Also, a smoked cheese and also a goat's cheese and ash.

Yes, please.

Nice.

Those are all

specifically ash.

I like the ones that have ash on them.

Yeah.

Ash on them.

Are you sure that that's what you had, or it wasn't a bit of the leaf?

Sure.

The leaf on the Halloween board.

It's just your mum tapping a fag over the top of it.

Barbecue ash.

Halloween.

No, my mother doesn't smoke.

What about barbecue?

It was definitely barbecue ash.

A Ouija board.

For like a

cheese.

Halloween cheese board in my case.

Oh my god, she'd love that.

I'll tell her.

That's a brilliant idea.

Okay, I'm glad we workshopped it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good.

I'll try.

Chi-chip.

No, it it doesn't matter.

No, go on.

Chi-Gi-board.

We cheese board.

We can't all do that.

Can I also have some crackers?

Yeah.

But also, I know I have my leftover bread, but I just don't want to get anxious.

You know, like when you're angry, like you're working.

We'll bring you some more bread as well if you want.

Oh, my God.

I think, no, I think I should keep my starter.

I think I should keep my pre-starter bread and then just have crackers so that I'm not too full.

Absolutely.

This idiot likes the one, the Hoversey one that looks like a loaf of bread cracker.

I like that one.

What?

You know, when you get like a selection of crackers, like in a Jacob's cracker box or something, and there's all different types of crackers, they have a Hovis one that says Hovis on it and is in the shape of a little loaf, and it almost tastes like a digestive biscuit.

And if you put a really strong cheddar on there, it's absolutely delightful.

I mean, that does sound good.

Oh, that black fried.

I love a digestive.

That sounds great.

Yeah, that's really good.

Put one of those on there.

They also do little really thin ones called, I think they're called like biscuits for cheese that have got like nuts and dried berries in them oh no you'd also have berries okay we'll take them out yes please do but you want strawberries with the brief strawberries yeah but i don't want dried

oh my god make it end

oh we're intolerable today i said that in a way that suggested i'd come up with it that's how pleased you really did you really did it's a perfect pun james well done it's perfect strawberry is it a pun

captain would you say it was perfect

i'd say it's happening

You've not said it yet.

I think a lot of the joy is in saying it.

So if you want to say, if you'd like to say strawberry and the joy with which you can say that.

Do you know what?

I'm conflicted because, one, I hate the joke, but also,

two, I feel like when Irish people say stuff like strawberry, people are like, oh, they can't say the word.

We are like, we can say the word, yeah.

But you said strawberry then.

Yeah, I said it.

I wasn't filled with joy, I'll be honest with you.

Can I just say, we've heard a lot about your mum already.

She sounds absolutely amazing.

Oh my god she's a queen.

So doing all the

barbecue stuff on Halloween, the leaf cheese board, which is a joyous thing to do.

Yeah so my mum,

we always had to cook with her like from really young we learned how to cook and she's the best cook.

I know every time I pick something that like when I choose things and I'm going to choose things that she hasn't made I'm going to feel like an ultimate trader.

But also

in her older age by which I mean her 30s obviously.

That's what she would want me to say.

She's gotten quite healthy so she's like taken up gardening.

So she does that instead of baking now, which is the worst thing she's ever done to me.

That's where all the leaves are coming from.

It's a fucking nightmare.

And we have to pretend to care about the herbs that she's growing as much as we cared about like homemade sausage rolls and cakes.

That rosemary looks lovely.

Bung it in a sausage roll.

Yeah, she was

amazing.

I mean, I was the kind of obnoxious kid who would go to other people's birthday parties and be like, I didn't know you could buy birthday cakes.

Oh, my God.

That was the worst.

She's great.

Yeah, you really passive aggressively could go out to the moment at the birthday party.

Oh, did you make this?

It's so professional.

It looks so great.

Oh, you didn't make it.

Oh, you didn't.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Yeah, my mum could make her own caterpillar.

Like, none of this nonsense.

Her own Colin the Caterpillar.

Yep.

And she made an amazing train.

Like a proper train.

It was incredible.

For you?

My brother was big into the train cake.

Multiple carriages, multiple fillings.

What an exciting time.

Very nice, different.

Different filling for every carriage.

Oh.

Yeah, she's not an amateur.

Come on.

Across the top, did she pipe what is Daisy chaining?

Across the top of the train.

Someone tell me what's going on.

Where did they know?

She didn't.

The collar of the caterpillar's got a big speech bubble going, I'd like to hear about docking.

I no longer know what either of the things that you're talking about are.

And now I feel like my mother, because I'm like, what is Daisy Chaining?

James?

It's when

people sit in a circle and it all wank each other off.

Oh, God.

So, everyone's.

Is that something you've done before, James?

No, I've not done it before, but like, I guess I could use my genie pals to make it happen, wouldn't it?

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check lift.

Your main course.

So you've started with a cheese board.

This is flipping

everything on its head.

Yeah.

So I don't know what to expect going into this.

Okay, I'm all over the shop.

I think I said this to you before.

You're going to be able to tell that I.

What part of the month I chose my menu.

I just want all of the comfort food.

Okay, so have you been to Flesh and Bun?

Yes.

Okay, they do a grilled miso aubergine that goes in a bough with pickled cucumber and carrot and lettuce and hoisin sauce.

And I want that place.

Wow, that sounds very nice.

I've not had it before.

It's so good.

I've only been to Flesh and Bun once.

I really, really enjoyed it.

But it's from the people that brought you Bone Daddies, right?

Which is one of my favourite restaurants in London.

Yes.

And Shaq Fu Yu are the same people.

Yes.

Yeah.

And that Grilled Me So Aubergine is available at

all of their places in various forms.

And that is phenomenal.

It's so good.

It's so honestly, so there usually gets to a point where Sarah and I have talked about it so much that we have to go.

And then every time I think, we were just drunk last time.

It can't have been that good.

Or we've overhyped it.

There's no way.

And we have to get all of our conversation out of the way on the way there because as soon as it comes, I said we're done.

No talking.

It's like, do not speak to me.

Don't.

I'm having a moment.

And I honestly, yeah.

I mean, absolutely.

It's incredible.

How big are the bowel there?

Is that enough for one of those enough for a main conversation?

I just keep the bows coming.

You keep them rolling.

That's it.

And you can have that.

You can have unlimited bows.

Yeah, they give you a thing of four, but you usually get eight.

Of course, because they do it.

They give you the filling and then the bows separately and you build them yourself.

So your main is bottomless bowels.

Yes, case.

Yes.

Just making sure that that'll fit out right.

Yeah, bottomless bowels.

Excellent.

But they're, I mean, they're so good.

Also, I wasn't sure how I felt about boughs because I come from a very like bread, bready background.

My family loved bread.

My mom's always making bread.

I mean, and I was like, what is this?

It looks like sort of weirdly squashed white bread.

It looks like the ghost of bread.

Exactly that.

But actually, it's just a cloud.

Yeah.

Revelation Week cloud in which you can put loads of stuff.

And it's just so good.

Also,

we've been dating long enough that like it doesn't matter how we look when we eat.

Like nobody, like nobody's trying to, yeah, yeah.

Nobody's trying to get anything.

And so

we've eaten, don't be ridiculous.

And so

yeah, you can just go to town.

Yeah.

Oh my fucking god.

It's so important that I think that's a real moment in a relationship where you're like, when you give up sex and you start eating better?

Just go

face first into a plate at a restaurant.

Yes, please.

When I first started going out with my girlfriend, we went to Wagga too early in the relationship and she had noodles and it was a whole thing.

Oh no.

Did you have to think about it?

Well she was like trying to almost cover her mouth while she was eating it but then she'd like cover it and there'd be like some noodles coming out the bottom.

So she'd look like Dr.

Zeidberg.

I feel like I would love a girl more if she was like, second date, let's go.

Yeah.

But I think the attempt to be demure is where it all gets to be.

Oh, yeah.

And it was clear what was going on, so we had a laugh about that.

Yeah, a little laugh of joyberg.

We made it through, that's great.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, my God, have you had the Wagamama's Bangbang cauliflower?

Yes.

I'm a big fan.

Also, that's like as spicy as I get.

And so.

Yeah, that's not spicy at all.

No, I know, but I'm Irish.

So, in order for me to eat bangbang cauliflower, I have to go to Wagamama's, ideally alone, without makeup, so I can wipe my face.

I'm not very good with spice.

I love it, but it does not love me.

Right.

Here's a question for you.

Okay.

My sister's coming to visit soon, and she wants a food day around London.

Do you want me to date your sister?

Pardon me?

Day, not a date.

Day, I thought you said date.

I was like, no.

But also, the level of offence on James's face.

He's like, pardon me?

No, she's not a lesbian.

No, here's what I thought you said to me.

I'll tell you what the offence.

I thought you said to me, you're going to date your sister.

And I was like, I'm not dating my sister.

You're going to date your sister.

That's disgusting.

So, no, no, no.

You'd be welcome to her.

But like,

but.

Oh, my.

But she listens to this podcast quite a lot.

What a supportive sister.

Yeah, yeah.

She's cool.

The question I was going to ask.

Sorry, yes.

I'm not dating your sister, but she wants to go on a food day around London.

Yes, and she has asked specifically if there are any good aubergine dishes.

I haven't really been able to come up with any.

So there's that one, but do you know any other?

Okay, if she gets on a train to Brighton from London.

Have you eaten in terre terre?

No.

Oh my god.

Also miso glazed.

Sorry, very boring.

Aubergine, but it's like a roasted aubergine.

It's fucking incredible.

Oh, wow.

I would say it's worth going there for.

Miso aubergine is

amazing.

It's going to sound like a

shakfu you do it.

If you go to any good Japanese restaurant, they will have a glazed miso aubergine dish.

It's called Nasu Dengaku, is the Japanese name for Miso aubergine.

I thought that was such confidence.

Yeah, I knew what it was.

Oh, nice.

It was impressive.

It's Nasu Dengaku.

I'm willing to bet that Mildreds have something aubergine-focused as well.

Yeah.

They're always good for it.

As a V, do you enjoy Mildred's?

Oh, my God, I fucking love Mildred's.

That was one of the first places I went.

So when I got here, or got to London, I and I had gone vegetarian about three years before in Ireland, and that was a slog but um I could not eat another

buffet I was like this because there's a one there was one restaurant for a long time called Cornucopia in Dublin and it was all buffet the food's great but like it feels like it's it's it was the only place you could go it was also the only place you could go to meet women so it was like a real I was like

I'm never getting out of here I'm gonna have to wear sandals forever and but um

the I mean Mildred's is amazing right it blew my mind when I got here I was like what do you mean there's more than one option what do you mean there's a table?

What do you mean there's cutlery already there?

It was crazy.

My mind was blown.

Also, I don't know if they have like a policy, but all of their waiters are incredibly cool.

Have you noticed their wait stuff?

Yeah, to be fair, I've never come away thinking they weren't cool.

Yeah, well, then that'll do.

Do you think that's a hiring policy?

Are they allowed to do things like that?

I'd be like, you're not cool enough.

Because there's a restaurant I really like called Spontino

on

Rupert Street.

And I've been going there for years, but it's actually, I think it's closing soon, which is really, really sad.

I think they might be moving.

But it's a Russell Norman restaurant, so they go like Pol Po and all of those.

And it's like a, you sit up at a bar, it's like a New York-style restaurant.

You've lost me.

You don't like sitting at the bar?

Give me a table.

It does not like sit at the table.

No, there's no tables in Spantino.

No.

I'm sorry.

Are we role-playing?

I don't.

Why would I sit at a bar?

If you're not here to pick me up and take me to a hotel, then I'm going to need a table.

Absolutely not.

You speak, you can chat to the person working there, but my point is.

Do you want to chat to the person working there?

No, I don't.

My point is,

they all had tattoos

for ages.

They've all got tattoos.

Yes.

And I just wonder whether that's a thing that they're allowed to do: go, you've got no tattoos.

I'm sorry.

You can't work here.

I doubt they're allowed to do that, but maybe they have like an initiation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That seems like a thing you're allowed to do.

What is in the chat?

Oh, tat up your employee.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, okay.

Catherine Bauhart.

Oh!

my God.

What would you like as your side dish, Catherine?

Also, flesh and bun.

Oh.

Great.

No, that's good.

I know.

It feels weird.

Yeah, they have a...

broccoli with miso um shallots and orange and it's charred and it's so good.

It's so good.

So do you normally, is this a combo you normally have anyway?

So when you go to Fashion Bun, you always have the

boughs and the brock and the brock.

Yeah.

We've stopped pretending we're going to share now.

We just order enough food for two people each and we just.

That's very interesting because that's a very sharing-based restaurant, I think.

Yeah, there's a concept.

You get that big plate of stuff, you get the boughs.

And do you both get the

best way?

But do you both get the aubergine?

You get the same dish.

So you don't think we'll get one of those and then something different to share?

We've tried that.

Do you sit on the same table?

I mean, they make us, so yeah.

But yeah,

they're like, you can't have one to yourself, especially when you're clearly shouting at each other.

No, yeah, we just, we just get our own.

That's great.

That's really good.

You should know each other.

I mean, Sarah's family divided up the buttons.

She's not going to share a picture.

No.

That's not going to happen.

Never going to happen.

But also, they're just so good.

Also, we don't eat out as much as we would like to.

In an ideal world, we would eat all three meals a day.

And so when we do eat out, we're like, fucking have what you want to do.

Go for it.

I love a broccoli side, especially charred broccoli, because it feels like you're being healthy, but also it's a real treat.

And the orange is just with the smoke.

It's a little bit of a trend.

Let me know if you have the orange.

Because it's so smoky.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It's a dream.

Yeah,

I think

orange and smoke is a very nice combo.

I tried to make it at home.

It did not taste the same.

I made some candied broccoli.

It's very sad.

I bought that smoke in a bottle, which it turns out.

It's not that good.

You bought it?

You bought smoke in a bottle, did you say?

Yeah.

What's this?

Liquid smoke.

Liquid smoke.

I don't know about it.

I've never heard about this.

No concept of it.

Okay, so it looks like, I suppose, like cloudy vinegar.

And it turns out you only need like a drop.

to make things taste smoky, but it has a slightly more acrid, I think, taste than if you barbecued something.

Yeah, it's basically instead of like, you know, when if you're doing like some pulled pork and someone will like smoke a bit of pork on a smoker for like 24 hours or something, it's to try and replace that taste, I guess.

Put it in like a marinade for a tofu or like in a salad or something.

Like it can be quite nice as a dress in part of a dressing, but you really have to use a tiny amount.

Whereas at the start, I had no idea.

So I was just like liberally

I ruined some dinners.

But yeah, it's, I mean, it's theoretically a great idea.

In practice, I would say needs some work.

But you're a proper cook, though, if you're doing things like experimenting with liquid smoke and

trying to recreate stuff.

I'm just a very cocky woman.

I'm just like, I'm just like, if I see something, if I have something in a restaurant, I'm like, yeah, I can make that.

I'm almost always wrong.

Don't let me be very clear.

I never get it the same, but yeah.

That's why I think I go to Mildred's last because I bought their cookbook.

So now I just make all the stuff.

You do stuff.

You do it at home.

Do you do the fake fried chicken that they do?

The Seitan?

Yeah.

The Seitan's actually,

you know, it's just basically gluten.

Yeah.

Oh, I was supposed to say it's a nightmare for you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean.

I would like to, but it is just a cake to the taste of chicken.

Yeah, it's delicious.

That's why it's delicious.

But yeah, no, sadly not.

Has there been a dish that you've had in a restaurant that you actually have been able to pretty much get spot on at home?

Their curry I can do.

Mildred's curry I can do.

I mean, I think with desserts, I'm quite a snob because I'm like, it has to be something I can't make.

On the whole,

if it's in a nice restaurant, I want it to be something I can't make myself.

So like, I think I make a better lemon meringue pie than most

people.

Wow.

What's your secret?

Big call.

My secret is I have my

smoke.

Yes.

I have my great aunt's lemon meringue pie dish and her recipe is baked into it.

Like in the it's been like magic.

So it's just marinated the

it's like written into the basement.

I thought you meant like it had been used so many times that it baked the flavor into the thing.

But you mean it's literally written in the bottom.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

Yeah, and

that's why I love making it because it's like, it feels like my mom used it.

But then how do you make it?

You see less of the recipe.

Well, the thing is you don't like, you don't mix the ingredients in the pie dish.

You just put it in the end.

James is imagining you'd put the base in and then go, right, what goes in?

Oh no.

Well, I guess it's just basic.

We get it.

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And we come to your drink, Captain Bohart.

Captain Beauhart.

Oh, God.

Yes.

Wine, please.

Yes.

Can I...

Can I have red?

Uh-oh.

I want red with my cheeseboard and white with my mane.

But that's a weird reversal.

You can't go from red to white, can you?

You can in a dream restaurant.

Why can't you?

I would think that's fine.

No?

It feels weird to go from heavy to light.

Are you taking the

Catherine Ryan method of white is day wine and red is night wine?

So you think it's sort of the right thing?

No, no, it's all day wine.

I just...

No, like we can...

No, sure, it's fine.

I just mean like it feels...

No, fuck it.

Let's do it.

I will have a Malbeck with my cheese board.

And then I'll have a pickpool with my main.

A what?

A what?

A pickpool.

A pickpool?

A pickpool.

Where's that from?

I don't know, but I like it.

Yeah, no, that's fine.

I kind of have wine.

This is white wine, but like what's the

one.

It's not real sweet.

Dry, quite dry.

Yeah, I think.

I just don't.

I know nothing about wine.

Neither do I.

I just know those are the two I like.

Yes.

And I hate Chardonnay.

And

I quite like a Riyaka sometimes, but that's all I know.

Right.

Couldn't tell you where they're from.

But I think that's.

I think that's okay to know what you're doing.

But it's kind of enough if you just know when you like to order it and then occasionally branch out and try a new one.

I don't know where, you know, Diet Coke's from.

A great point.

I drink it all the time.

Yeah, sure.

And it tastes like normal Coke these tastes to me.

I prefer Diet Coke.

Yeah, I do know.

So I

gave up caffeine in 2013.

Does Diet Coke not have caffeine in?

Yeah, it does.

But I didn't know that.

So

this is a story that James has told upwards of 10 times on the podcast.

I'm so sorry.

Yes, my apologies.

I'll tell it for him.

He gave up caffeine, so he stopped drinking

all cola drinks.

And then when he came back, he'd not drunk any of them for ages, and he drank Diet Coke, and it just so it just tasted like normal coke to him.

I have heard you tell this story.

Yes.

I was like, oh, there's sort of a meandering non-ending to that.

Oh, there it is.

Yep, that's that.

I felt this feeling before.

Yeah.

I feel neither confused nor elated.

There we go.

Yes.

We're just further on in time.

The genie's really intense.

I only mentioned that you were intense because

the most uh like alarming moment I had at Melbourne Comedy Festival was James called me intense and that was when I was like, Oh, I've had too much to drink, I need to go home.

Did I call you intense?

No, I I mean I am intense, but you know when like when James says you're intense, yeah, oh, I'm oh, I need that was like I was like, I've had too much wine.

I've had too much wine.

Because you know, you had that um

beautiful man who sang at your show.

Yep, Paul Williams.

Yes.

James had to leave me with him for a moment while he went to the bathroom.

Beautiful man.

And And James went, Are you going to be okay?

And I was like, Yeah.

But I didn't realize it was like, just be okay.

And then James came back from the bathroom and was like, How's it been?

And I was like, fine.

And he's like, well, just a bit worried that Bohart would be a bit too intense for Paul.

I mean, sure, I'd asked him about his childhood, but it was fine.

Oh, yeah, I know.

I don't have a memory of that, but I completely understand why I would be concerned about that.

Because Paul is the opposite of intense.

Yes, Paul is the most laid-back man in the year.

And I'm not laid-back, to be fair.

That's a reasonable call.

That's not you saying that.

That's a true story.

In a good way.

I mean, I had seen James's show that day and audibly said, oh, James, quite a few times during the show.

So I get really worried for him.

So I can see why you thought it, but that was one of those moments where I was like, yes, I have had too much to drink and I need to go home now.

Also, Paul is teetotal.

So I was leaving.

Oh, so I really was the drunken.

A completely sober man with an absolutely off-the-leash

Irish woman.

Catherine Bower.

Catherine Bauhaus.

Yeah, I didn't know he was teetotal.

That makes a lot more sense.

You're going to be okay?

I'll be back in a second.

No, we're not trying to give the listener the impression that you have any sort of problem with alcohol.

But your drink is two types of wine.

Red with your starter

and white and white with your main.

We can do that for you.

The moment we've all been waiting for.

There's been a lot of hype from the moment we started this entire conversation.

With the starter, you were saying, I love desserts.

Yes.

You've said you make the best lemon meringue pie in the world.

No, I said I made a better lemon meringue pie than most, but sure, let's say in the world.

In the world.

I'm going to make my own curd, guys, anyway.

You said you could outbake any restaurant.

What is

Catherine Belhart's dessert going to be?

I'm not going to help with my reputation as a drunk because I have a drunk answer and a sober answer.

Okay.

A third bottle of wine?

No.

I was going to tell you my sober answer, but then Sarah was like, that's not true.

You're just ashamed to say what your favorite dessert is.

Sober is my mother's

sticky toffee pudding because she makes it with loads of dates and she puts pecans in the sauce.

And it's fucking amazing.

It's incredible.

It's incredible.

The dates and the pecans sound very good.

It's so good.

And she puts double cream on and it's fucking amazing.

And we usually wait, because we usually have a fruit dessert on Christmas, and so we have to have like our nap after dinner and then dessert because you need to like work back up for it.

It's like a whole other meal.

Does she put it on a board with loads of pine needles around it?

No, she does not.

But she grills it as well under the, when she makes the caramel.

So it's like really, really crispy on the top, but then it's, oh my god, it's fucking amazing.

Oh, I love your mark.

It's amazing.

It's amazing.

Genuinely.

It's my favorite thing.

She's tried every year to say she's not going to make it because it takes loads of work.

I mean, it's been riots.

So, um, has she ever

taught you how to make it?

No, that's the one thing she keeps trying because you often she'll write out books of her own recipes for me and send them to me.

But then, um, she keeps trying with that one.

I'm not fucking learning.

I refuse.

Refuse to learn.

Yeah.

Because as soon as you learn it, she can go, I'm not, I'm not doing that.

Exactly.

Yeah, Catherine can do it.

And also, I just won't be able to do it as well.

There's some things that she's just, it's a magic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One day you'll have to, you know, you're going to cook Christmas dinner.

She's going to be like, I'm going to take some time off.

Why would I cook Christmas?

And then you'll be gathering people around to carve the bow.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh my god, that's what I'll do.

I'll offer to make it one year.

I'll make a bow.

And then she'll never let me do it again.

Yeah, I mean, she.

Don't steal the Bauhart joke, though.

Okay.

Absolutely no fear of that.

If you do that, don't steal my joke.

And no fear of that.

Because I went a Bauhart.

Please don't do that.

I promise I won't.

Also, it's a stage name, so there's no fear of my mother referring to herself as a Bauhart.

Oh,

I hate to break it to you.

But yeah, so that's my favourite dessert.

Is your your mother's maiden name Aubergine?

Oh, James.

I'm so hungover.

I can tell.

I'm trying to think of a surname that had Aubergine in it.

It was a good job.

Stop swinging now because you've done strawberry and Bauhart.

Yeah.

You've done real well.

You've got to retire

on a high.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

So, what's the real answer?

The drunk answer.

The drunk answer is,

and I need to put some qualifications on this.

By all means.

So I'm going to say it, and then you have to let me explain.

The drunk answer is wedding cake.

Okay.

Not fruitcake.

If you have fruitcake at your wedding, I want you to tell me in advance I'm not coming.

We're not friends.

That's fine.

If you're not a happy person, that's on you, but I don't need to be sharing in your misery.

So I'm not talking fruitcake.

I'm talking when people have cakes for their weddings and there's a different layer on everyone.

Because the best thing about drunk.

The best thing about drunk wedding cake is the quantity.

Yeah.

You can have seven slices.

No one's even going to notice.

Yes.

Also, the fact that there's more than one type of cake.

Hello.

Yes.

I mean, yes, please.

I went to Sean McLaughlin's wedding and they had this sort of maple and caramel carroty cake thing and also a chocolate cake.

Oh my god, it was a fucking dream.

Amazing.

But also at weddings, nobody's like, oh, that girl has a plate of cake.

That's insane.

They're just like, oh, it must be for her table.

Yes.

Hello.

It's not for her table.

So.

Why?

Would you think I wouldn't be delighted by this?

You've chosen wedding cake as your dessert, which has multiple cakes.

This is amazing.

Okay, but some people really don't like wedding cake.

James, can I just tell you something that might be happening for my wedding?

Wait till he hears this.

Don't you dare say it.

No, no, actually, I'll be with him once.

Don't you fucking dare say it's not.

Believe me, Catherine.

Don't even dare say that.

That relationship is not long for this world.

It's not making the wedding.

Don't you say it

cannot get it?

And so, you know, they do like towers of wedding cake.

No.

You can, instead of that, you can get it.

We know, because you're not original.

It's just a bad idea that's been going on for ages.

Jesus.

Absolute dickhead.

But.

Why?

But we get pudding with the meal anyway.

Yeah, well, guess what, Ed?

Now that you've told me that, and I know it, someone is going to be objecting to that marriage.

Look, I don't mind if you want to have cheeses at your wedding.

But why that has to be instead of...

No, we're not going to...

It's not going to be instead of.

We're doing full three-course meal, cake.

Good.

And then later on, there's a cheese station.

Fine.

Happy with that?

If you want a smelly dance floor, then off you go.

Stinky old dance floor.

I'm pushing over that cheese station.

Don't worry, Bohart.

Please film it.

I'm going to shove it over.

That's.

Neither of you are invited.

It's just people who.

I am.

The hurtful part is that I'm not a nice.

I got a save the date the other day.

Oh my god.

What's

harrowing about that is that some people do that instead of cake.

Yeah, they do.

And I would never do that specifically to James.

James is a groomsman.

I'm not doing that to him.

Also, you know, when you know that actually everybody wants cake, it's when you have to dress your cheese up as a cake

to trick them into thinking

it might still be okay.

Like, no, thank you, no.

So, what's in your...

So you're putting as different types of cake at a wedding.

Yes.

What different flavours are you going for?

Okay, I would like a red velvet.

Is that a flavour?

Yes.

Is it?

Or is it just a colour?

Now we're talking.

It's a chocolate cake.

What?

Have you ever made red velvet?

No.

It's a chocolate cake, but it's it's dyed red.

That's madness.

It doesn't taste like chocolate to me.

Yeah, because they use cocoa powder because it's from the war, so they don't have like proper.

They don't

put actual chocolate in it.

They started making it during, I think, the maybe Second World War.

During a war, and they were.

It was an American one, right?

Yeah, to me.

So yeah, it's got to be Second World War.

Yeah, to make it look like because it didn't have a dense colour because they weren't using chocolate or a strong cocoa powder.

Uh-huh.

They would dye it.

Ah.

I didn't know that.

Make some bang and cream cheese.

I love it.

I love a red velvet.

Oh, the cream cheese on her.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

I would also like a carrot cake.

You're going to have one.

I want a proper dense chocolate cake, too.

I mean, how many flavours do I get?

Well, who's getting married?

Me.

Okay, great.

There's whatever flavour.

Great.

Maybe I'd have something with like blueberry in.

Okay.

Is that crazy?

Blueberry cake.

No, that's not.

That's not cake.

Like a Victoria Sponge with blueberry centre.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think that's probably all I'd need in like one.

And are they getting progressively smaller as they go up?

I suppose so, but I but the bottom is big, so it's fine.

So, but then but then let's go in terms of size.

So what's on the bottom?

Chocolate.

Next.

Carrot.

Next.

Red velvet.

Next.

The blue bee Victoria Spongeberry.

And they'd all be made by my mom.

That's probably the order I would.

No.

Do you know what?

I would maybe want to switch around the chocolate and the carrot cake.

Interesting.

My mom from my dad's 50th made a three-tiered cake, and it was his, his favorite's Black Forest, so that was the base.

And then carrot cake, and then a lemon curd

Victoria sponge.

Yes.

Amazing.

That sounds very good.

It was great.

And she covered it in edible roses.

I mean, what a lady.

I really want some cake now.

Yeah, I know, right?

Oh, no.

That's

every episode there's something that hits, and I thought it was going to be the aubergine bow, but it's cake.

I need cake.

Yeah, I think I just love that you can walk around with fistfuls of cake, and everyone's just like, that's probably her first slice.

if you walked up to your mum with a fistful of cake what do you think she'd ask

where the fuck did you buy that i have one made

um but i think my favorite thing about it as well is that like most people appreciate you eating loads you know like if you eat too much at a in any other if you like order a second mane at the wedding no one's going to be thrilled by that but if you're going to be like that's not how this works

for the hundredth time

you only brought a teapot whereas i think if you just keep eating the cake people are like great get rid of it yeah oh you like that do you yeah Yeah, we pick that.

We have loads of it.

Take it.

Sarah's agent got married and they had crosstown doughnuts for their cakes.

Yes.

Hello, yes, please.

They had miniature ones.

And we panicked when we were leaving because I hadn't had enough of them.

I mean, I'd had a plate of them, but I hadn't felt like I had enough, and there was loads left.

Very sweet that you hadn't had enough, but you both panicked.

Because

Sarah knew she had to deal with me.

So Sarah went to the kitchen.

Like, there was like a window.

Like, what are they called?

What's the word I'm looking at?

Like a porthole?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And she she just stuck her hand in and took out like a bucket that I think was used for food prep.

I hope was used for food prep

and filled it with donuts for me.

And then we were in the Uber and it was only really there that we realized what we'd done and how unacceptable that was.

She stole a bucket of doughnuts.

Yeah.

And the next morning we had to text Steph and be like, I'm so sorry we took home 37 donuts.

But at the same time,

we had a pretty joyous hangover.

Yeah, I bet.

Eating from your potato peel bucket.

yeah.

I hope that's what it was, and not just like, yeah, for the mop.

Yeah, take the mop out and fill it with donuts.

We ate so many, and it was so great.

Amazing, yeah,

that's my answer.

Wedding cake, wedding cake is good.

Also, uh, I have an additional question before we read the menu back to you.

Um, for this whole meal, are you dressed for your wedding?

Yes, I think I am, yeah,

which obviously is black morning clothes.

Sure, yeah, yeah, Fair enough.

So, here's your menu back to you.

Here we go.

Water.

You would like a jug of still water.

Yes, please.

Problems of bread.

You would like a bread selection with whipped butter.

Whipped apple butter.

Starter.

A cheese board.

Manchego Brie.

The one that I would fly in my face for.

Yep.

I'd fly in my face during that bit.

Smoked cheese,

goat's cheese with ash, quince jelly,

strawberry.

Remembering his great joke.

Malbeck.

Main, grilled miso, aubergine bau.

That's why they call you Bauha.

A bottomless bowels, indeed, a bottomless bowels.

Side, charred broccoli with orange miso and shallots, also from flesh and buns, so both those are from flesh and buns.

Drink, you would like some pickpool white wine, but also earlier on, yeah, the malbeck, yep, we all said that.

Dessert, oh, stroke of genius, the wedding cake, chocolate, carrot, red velvet, and sponge of Victoria's sponge with blueberries.

Yes.

Amazing.

That's a really good menu.

I mean, it sounds amazing.

I want to eat it now.

Yeah, it does sound great.

I feel like if I ordered that at an actual restaurant, though, the waiter would say my least favorite words, which is, that might be a bit much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Well, what I've noticed while James is reading it back is you had bread with every course apart from the cake pudding.

Yes.

Hey, I don't have an allergy here.

I've got to get it all in.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, please.

Thank you so much, Catherine.

Thanks for having me.

Thank you, Catherine.

Congratulations to Catherine Bohart on her wedding.

And congratulations to me for not appearing hungover, James.

No, you did very well.

I don't think she even noticed.

No, you did very well there, James.

You were as sprightly and as accurate as you normally are.

Thank you very much.

In all your humour.

Excellent punning as well from you.

Thank you very much, Ed.

I was hoping that didn't go...

I think we flagged it up when we made the pun.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe you snuck a few under the radar that I didn't even know.

I hope Catherine didn't miss the pun.

I really tried to flag it up.

But excellent menu.

Check Catherine Bohart out on the social meads.

She's doing a run at the Soho Theatre.

You should go and see that.

It's Monday, 30th of September to Saturday, 5th of October.

Go and check her out on Twitter and Instagram.

Find out where she is gigging.

Next, I'm on social media too at a gamble comedy.

Check me out.

I've got a special available on Amazon Prime Video.

Go and watch that.

Come see me on tour.

I'm also on social media.

Thank you, James, and thank you, all wonderful listeners, for downloading the podcast, streaming the podcast, listening to it on vinyl, all that sort of thing.

Thank you very much, and we'll see you again next time in the off-menu restaurants.

Don't go hungry.

We get it.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, the 11th of September, the time is 7 p.m., and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.