Ep 33: Jess Phillips MP

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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ding-dong.

Oh, the takeaway's here.

What's it gonna be?

It's the off-menu podcast.

Very nice.

Hello, Ed.

Hello, mate.

How are you doing?

I'm feeling political.

Are you feeling political, are you, James Acaster?

I'm in a political vibe.

You're in a political vibe.

Well, luckily, we've got a political guest coming in to suit your mood.

A political guest is going to tell us what their favourite ever starter main course is a side dish and drinker.

Absolutely.

And our political guest today is MP Jess Phillips.

MP.

I can't believe we've got an actual MP to come on the podcast.

We're some sneaky little boys.

What a sucker.

Is there a room for politics and food?

I think so.

I mean, that's the question.

You should never discuss politics or religion over dinner.

That's what people say.

Is it?

Yeah.

Is it true?

Yeah, that's a saying, right?

There may be no room for politics in food, but politicians got to eat.

Politicians got to eat.

Politicians got to cry.

She might be crying if she says the secret ingredient and has to be removed from the restaurant.

Absolutely, actually, Ed.

And guess what the secret ingredient is this week?

Is it whole coffee beans?

It's whole coffee beans.

Oh, so help me God.

I can't believe that people do that.

Why is it even a thing?

You know, like, sometimes they cover them in chocolate.

So you're like, I'll pop this little chocolate fun thing in my mouth.

And then you're like, oh, it's the crunchiest thing in the world.

Awful.

I don't eat them.

I gave up caffeine in 2013.

Don't tell this goddamn anecdote again.

Okay.

We're going to listen to the off-menu of Jess Phillips.

And so help me God, if you tell that anecdote about you having Diet Coke and it tasted like normal coke ever again, I quit this podcast forever.

It tastes like normal coke now, though.

It's amazing.

This is the off-menu of Jess Phillips.

Jess, welcome to the Dream Restaurant.

Thanks for having me.

It's

happening here.

Jess Phillips.

Hello, it's not the best restaurant I've ever been in, I don't think.

Ah, that depends what you thought that sound was.

What did you think was happening with that sound?

A car crash?

It was not a car crash.

This podcast is often a car crash, but that noise was the noise of the genie waiter arriving at the dream restaurant.

It's a genie coming out of a lamp, Jess.

You weren't looking at the time, so you didn't know.

You were looking at Ed.

But that's what happened.

You missed all the effects.

We've got a huge budget and we put quite a lot of smoke budget in.

You've missed all of that.

I missed it all.

It's all dissipated.

I mean, I'm both disappointed that I missed it and I thought that a genie coming out of a lamp would be more sort of notable.

Everyone's pretty notable.

Everyone else is talking about it.

Yeah, yeah, it was pretty cool when I came out of that.

So James is a genie waiter which means he can get you whatever food.

Whatever food you like so you know maybe you want to change a tune on how good the restaurant is.

You're going to flob in my food.

I won't flop in your food.

Unless that's what you want.

If that's what you want,

if that's your dream meal.

Okay.

If you just want a little a big old plate of flob, then I can get you that.

Well, I've never had that so I can't say whether that's nice or not.

Yeah you don't know.

It depends who's flop.

If you had to eat anyone's, if it was like a bowl of flob and that's all you got, whose flob would you want it to?

It's one person and it's just got to be a bowl full of, it's like a cereal bowl full of their flob.

And it's one person, who is it?

Anyone in the world, living or dead?

Okay, well, I mean, I when they were alive.

I've eaten a lot of

my children's flub over the years because you eat the food right out of their mouths

all the time.

Like a bird.

Like a bird.

Yeah.

Well, not your children then.

Yeah, but so I go for my children.

Nah, let's roll the children out.

I can't eat my children's flop.

Is that what you're saying?

No, no, no, not in this scenario.

James, this is the most patron you've ever been.

Okay.

But I really want it to be.

Oh, you want it to be like a world leader or something, like Anglo-Maria.

I just really want to try it out.

That's cool.

Anyone in...

Alright, anyone in government?

No.

Someone in government?

No.

No, that's the rules.

It has to be someone in government.

It has to be someone who is currently in the...

In the current government.

In the current government, and you've got to eat a bowl of their flop.

Let me think.

Oh, there's just so many people.

I wouldn't want to even come anywhere near me.

So.

This is the best question I've ever asked.

It's pretty good.

This is a great question.

The person in government.

I'm going to go for somebody who I feel is

a very dry mouse

because they're not going to be able to do it.

Then it'd take them ages to get out of it.

It'd take them ages and I could probably get out of it.

So, Teresa, mate, she looks dry mouthed quite a lot, doesn't she?

Oh, yeah, that's the point.

She does look dry-moused.

Maybe, but she's been moistening that mouth with her fucking tears lately.

James, so political.

See?

Bonito, you've been holding this back.

I've been hiding this light under a bushel.

We can talk about legislation at length if you'd like.

I don't understand that.

I only really understand flob.

Yeah.

James knows flob and food.

That's what this podcast is about.

That's it.

So would you consider yourself a foodie?

Very much, yeah.

Yes.

Totally a foodie.

That's why it's really hard.

A lot of people bulk at that term.

A lot of people are not on board with calling themselves a foodie, but I'm glad you are.

It's the only thing I actually do other than go to work is like eat food.

Yeah.

I don't know how people socialise unless they're like eating food together.

I completely agree.

It's all I think about all day.

Me too.

As I'm eating breakfast, I'm thinking about lunch.

All the time.

Yeah.

Every single second.

I constantly think about what I'm going to eat.

Even during PMQs and stuff?

Definitely during PMQs.

And that's that's just before lunchtime.

Yeah.

So

that explains it.

Everyone's thinking about food in there.

That's why they're so angry.

Yeah, hang on.

You know that noise where you think it's all when all the Tories are like,

that's actually their stomachs rumbling, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

That cow noise.

It's so weird.

I don't know how you learn it.

It's like,

I don't know what it is.

Yeah, as someone who went to a posh public school, you learn that first day.

Oh, do you?

You learn the cow noise, yeah.

Do you know it?

No, I didn't go to posh public school.

But thank you.

Me neither.

Me neither.

Yeah, no.

I don't know what it is.

I've tried to learn it over the years, tried to tune in, but I just can't get it.

They are saying stuff, but you need to rewind it.

Oh, really?

Yeah, sometimes people are so posh they are genuinely inaudible to me.

Yeah.

Am I doing all right?

You know, you're fine, okay, good.

Can I just say, but the standards of what I'm used to,

you're basically a commoner.

I've had to tune it down because I'm in the world of comedy.

If I'd entered politics, I'd be absolutely awful.

I can only imagine what Ed would be like if it was a politician.

We'd all be in big trouble.

Yeah.

I wouldn't like it.

Flob for everyone.

That's probably happening.

To be fair, I feel it was you that was most into the flob.

Yeah.

Yeah, you were really pushing the flob agenda, James.

The flob gender.

I think if we rewind that, that's not true.

Well, Jess, of course, you've come to the Dream Restaurant, not just for your dream meal, but to tell us about your new book as well.

Yes, I have.

You have indeed.

What?

What?

You got a book out of something?

Truth to Power.

Yeah.

That's what it's called.

It is indeed.

And it's got a rude subtitle as well.

Well, not that rude, really.

It could have been much worse considering where I work.

It could have been really like, let's, I mean, I'm not going to say it, but

yeah, it could have been really like, let's let's fuck this shit up.

Because, you know, I think the whole world is a bit mad at the moment and depressed and doesn't know what to do.

People constantly come up to me and say things like, I just want to do something to make the world better, but I don't know what to do.

So hopefully in the the book I'm telling them what they could possibly do to stop all the bullshit that is going on at the moment what could they do to stop all the bullshit that would involve food glad you glad you said food there really

thought you were going to say flob

oh look I'm not going to lie it was 50-50 tossed up in my head

you hadn't even decided by F.

No, I was like here we go let's see what the lips do.

I said food.

I mean it's comedy isn't it?

So you you know, I could sit here and talk for ages about like food poverty and food banks and

all of that.

Leave the comedy to us.

We'll take that and we'll make it funny.

Well, there's all sorts of things that you can do about food to try and make the world a better place because there's loads of people who aren't fed, for example.

Yeah, make sure everyone gets some food.

Yeah, probably.

36% of children in my constituency live in poverty.

So there's a huge amount that people can be doing to organise to make sure that things are more fairly distributed.

For sure.

We'll put a joke in in post.

Still the sparkling water Jess?

Sparkling every single time.

Every single time.

Why?

It's just better in it.

It tastes that sort of like weird metallic tinny that you can't quite put your finger on.

And you like that?

I like that.

You like a metallic tinny taste?

Yeah, I like a metallic tinny taste.

I really like the taste of blood, for example.

That's like metallic tinny.

Do you do you?

Now I eat a lot of blood.

We've got a vampire in the restaurant.

I eat a lot of blood, Jess,

because I'm type 1 diabetic, so I prick my finger to test my blood quite a lot.

I was going to say, I didn't realise that you had to drink blood if you were a type 1 diabetic.

I have to drink the blood of non-diabetics to just sort of maintain it.

So, quite often I don't have a tissue or anything to wipe my finger on, so straight in the mouth.

So, I kind of agree with you on the blood, but I've never done it.

I don't know what's the taste of it?

I don't mind it.

You get used to it.

I don't dislike it.

You likes it, though.

I like it.

You actively like the taste of blood.

it.

What do you like about it?

I just like the metallicy taste of it.

Because it tastes like sparkling water.

That's what you like about it.

Well, actually, to be fair, they don't taste anything I like, but they both have a metallic quality that I enjoy.

No, I definitely didn't think we were going to end up on blood from the water chat.

If you had to eat a bowl of blood from anyone in the government.

If it was made into black pudding, I'd go for literally any of them.

I'm sure you could spice it up nicely.

That's a good point.

How comparable a pig and human blood could you make human black pudding?

I mean, lots of the sort of

when we pioneered the stuff about heart transplants and stuff was based on pigs and the pig anatomy and the human anatomy.

So one can only assume that the black pudding of humans would taste not dissimilar to the black pudding of pigs.

Do you remember pig heart boy?

I beg your pardon.

I have a vague recollection of this.

TV show?

TV show of a boy who had a pig's heart?

No.

Was it a documentary or not?

No, it was like a drama, like a kid's drama on like

really

CITV or CBBC.

I can't remember now.

I just remember he had a pig's heart and he

didn't really agree with him.

I think there's science to suggest that actually like a pig's heart in a human isn't necessarily a cracking idea.

No.

Aren't they bigger as well, pigs' hearts?

I don't know about that.

How big is a pig's?

My heart's really big.

Yeah, yeah.

Big old heart.

Is it as big as a pig's heart, though?

I don't think that pigs have much bigger hearts than...

I literally have no idea about pigs' hearts.

I think I'm thinking of a cow heart.

Yeah, cows are much bigger, though, aren't they?

Bigger crackers.

Size-wise that would fit.

Pigs are not much bigger than humans, like upright.

Yeah.

But then is that how it works with the heart?

Does the heart go with the...

Because some animals are real big, have a tiny little brain.

Yes, but a heart is a pump to pump the blood around your body.

So chances are, big body, big heart.

Yeah, you got to.

You couldn't have a big...

If a

blue whale had a human-sized heart, then it would die.

Is that correct?

I don't know why you looked at me like I'm Brian Cox or something.

David Attenborough was in Parliament yesterday.

If only we'd have brought him here along with us, he could have definitely answered these questions.

He's doing the rounds, Attenborough.

Glastonbury in Parliament.

Indeed.

Do you reckon he could walk in anywhere?

Literally anywhere, I think.

So I don't know whether my dad just said this because he really loves David Attenborough and likes to make up facts about people that he likes.

But he said that he was the most trusted man.

survey and that anybody would trust anything that was said to them.

So we should get him peddling fake news or something to see if.

I bet Attenborough could just like walk into a JD sports and go in the back.

Definitely, he could walk into a JD sports and go in the back.

Yeah.

I think there'd be a certain amount of confusion that would sort of reign for a while.

He could be out the back door with bags full of stuff.

Sure.

Was that David Attenborough?

Just into the stores?

He definitely could.

He could walk in anywhere.

I mean, there's not an example you can give me where I don't think that he could get in.

I think top state secrets, GCHQ, he could walk in there tomorrow and just start listening into people's conversations.

He could commentate on them whilst he was listening to them and people still wouldn't mind.

Yeah.

How much...

Who's pedding the fake news at the minute if it's not Attenborough?

Who would get fired if Attenborough came in?

There's loads of people doing fake news.

I mean, stick your finger in the air.

There's bloody loads.

I mean, just look at Facebook for an afternoon.

Fake news.

A plenty.

Awful, ain't it?

Facebook.

I'm not on it anymore, Jess.

I'm pretty cool.

Are you not?

Do you know what I'm calling?

I do think you're cool.

I mainly think my husband is the coolest man I know because he's never been on Facebook.

Wow.

He's never been on Facebook.

Literally never even looked on Facebook.

What?

Is he 100 years old?

No.

Are you married to a 100-year-old man?

No, he's 40.

Oh, good on him.

Yeah, he's never been on Facebook.

Not on Twitter.

Oh, he was on Twitter for one afternoon, and then he felt like he was having a nervous breakdown, so he came off.

It's a shame that he went on Twitter for that afternoon, so he can't now say that I've never been on Twitter.

I know.

He loves Bebo, though, right?

He's always on Bebo.

Yeah, MySpace was massive for that.

Still rocked on that.

Pop Lums or bread, Jess.

Pop-dums or bread.

Pop-a-dums every time.

Every time.

So far, both your options have been every time.

Yeah, I've quite, you know, you have to be quite certain about your decisions when you're a politician.

Right, sure, you can't.

No need for fannying around, worrying about the in-between.

And

in a few months, when something comes out about poppa dums, you'll say, I said bread at the time.

Yeah.

Yeah, I will.

I'll distance myself on pop-a-dums.

I'll try to be honest and say we all make mistakes.

Yeah.

But actually, of course, bread is always the answer.

Bread every time.

Yeah, well, I've done that ridiculous thing where you don't eat carbs a lot.

I recognise that poppa dums are carbs, but they seem less like an infringement of the not eating carbs.

They're less carbs.

They're less carby.

They're light.

They feel like a lighter thing.

Depending on what you put on them, of course.

Are you having them with chutney?

Always.

Chickney, lime pickle, mango pickle.

All together or one at a time?

All together.

If you can possibly manage it, but it slides away, doesn't it?

It slips away from you.

There's the mint yogurt.

You can put mint yogurt on there as well.

Mint yogurt, yeah.

You can't have poppadoms without mint yogurt.

Yeah, can you?

I mean,

that is

an abomination.

It would be an abomination.

It's an abomination.

I'm from Birmingham.

We eat a lot of poppadoms and chutnels.

So, say I'm going to Birmingham.

Yeah.

What's the best

Indian restaurant in Birmingham?

It depends if you mean actually an Indian restaurant or like a curry house.

A curry house?

Okay.

There's a distinct difference as most of the curry houses are not run by Indian people.

There is an amazing Indian restaurant in Birmingham, which is a vegetarian restaurant called the Jyoti.

It had like a real massive obsession with Jamie Oliver for a while because he once went there when he was at like the food show at the NEC.

And so it was like the walls were plastered with pictures of Jamie Oliver and the man who owns it.

It's amazing.

I mean it was like it was like Jamie Oliverville for a long time.

but it does absolutely amazing vegetarian in fact vegan mainly Indian food proper Indian food talis and doses and things but curry house

I would say the spice merchant or the sillet spice both near where I live are brilliant Kashmirian Bangladeshi curry houses again

some quite good obsessions with the people who have been in there yeah so show pachettis on the wall in

in one And I believe my friend went for a curry last night, in fact, and was told that Jasper Carrot's going in tomorrow.

Have you made the wall yet?

I have not made the wall.

Sure.

Although Abid, who runs it, who literally looks like he's a Bollywood sensation, he's like really like hot man.

But he's like debonair and old, like he'd be the good-looking old father in a Bollywood movie.

He's amazing.

I love Abid.

But

I've known him since I was a child.

and now he can't believe that you know I am a person who people know but I've yet to make it onto the wall with Shilpichetta.

I mean I feel like I'm more relevant than Shilpachetta.

Yeah, I think I think so.

Sure.

I mean have a photo.

Maybe you've got to take the photo in yourself.

Yeah maybe.

Just

leave that there.

But in Sillit Spice one time Niamh Campbell from Scream went in there.

She's on the wall surely.

But they didn't have the foresight to like take a really good photo.

So it's just like a sort of like

she was on the wall I can't I think they've had a redo now and maybe Neeve's not up there

but

Silic Spice and the Spice Merchant are the restaurants the curry houses for a proper like you know lamb madras or

you know your classic British expected curry yes that I would go to those two and just quickly is Birmingham the best curry in Britain yep

I mean Bradford and Leicester will say differently I'll wager but I tell you where is shit for a curry, and that is London.

Absolutely shit.

Shit for a curry, shit for all food that

in the curry market.

You can't go to the corner shop and just buy, like,

you know, Nigella seeds to make a curry.

You can't get, you know, you pay, you, you people are paying a ridiculous amount of money for coriander.

I don't know if you know this, but like you don't have to pay that much money and ginger and stuff.

Yeah.

It is shit around here for that.

How much would you pay for some coriander?

I would pay

I mean, 10 pence for a big bunch of coriander.

The Indian shop right next to where me and my husband first lived when we were first together, he would go in every day, he was making a curry, to just buy a chili, and he'd just buy one chili and it wouldn't register on the scale.

So every day the woman in the shop was like, you, and your free chilies.

That would give him a free chili.

I mean, things are cheap on the Laddiepool Road in Birmingham.

Get yourself down there.

Yeah.

No, I hadn't really thought about it before, but there are like there's Indian restaurants that I like to go to in London, but they're quite

cotton-old Indian restaurants.

Yeah,

but in terms of actual proper good, just like curry houses, I can't really think of many.

You do get it more out on, yeah.

Yeah, my mate Alex, she lives here now, and she was coming back last week, and there's like a new sort of trendy hipster pizza place that's opened near us, which is really good.

And we were all like, oh, let's go there for a dinner.

And she said, look, in London, you know, I can swing a cat and hit 20 hipster-pizza places, but I can't get a curry.

Can we please go for a curry?

Yeah, so that I think proves London is shit for.

Nothing around Westminster.

Is the Cinnamon Club still in Westminster?

Yes, it is.

That's very posh of you to know that.

I have no idea what is on.

And they ring the bell in the Cinnamon Club, and then all the MPs get up and leave.

Yeah, the division bells.

Yeah, it's within eight minutes' walk of the division bell.

It's quite exciting.

What are you talking about?

The division bell means everyone's got to go back to work to vote.

Division.

To vote, yeah.

Division.

We divide the house.

Oh, not

just a fancy word for voting.

You've got to go vote.

Or it's more that, you know,

all posh people leave and divide themselves from the commoners.

Sometimes it feels a bit like that when we divide, to be fair.

Yes, the cinnamon club is still a thing.

That's very

curry house, is it?

You can't go in and

get a corner for the kids and you can have a vindaloo.

It's not like that.

You have to go and get like a tandoori pigeon breast or something.

I literally think I have eaten a tandoor breast.

Yeah, that is on the menu, yeah.

With like puffed rice.

Yeah, puffed rice.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just keep it light.

Puffed rice.

Yeah, that does.

It's still a thing, very much.

When she was a teenager, my sister went to Camp America to work there, and she came back and told us about the flavours of Ben and Jerry she'd had, because that's what A-Casters talk about together when they're camping.

And they've been away.

And she said she'd had a flavour called Cinnamon Bundo that was delicious.

And my dad said cinnamon bundo sounded like my name.

I would be called Cinnamon Bundo.

And then for about a year, that's what my brother and sister called me.

It sounded like your name.

Yeah, like my first name was Cinnamon and my second name was Bundo, spelled like B-U-N-D-O.

And that my name was Cinnamon Bundo.

A conversation with James is very much like pinball in that it will just rock it off in another direction based on one word.

One word, yeah, I know.

My brothers used to say things like that.

They'd be like, oh, you never guess what we've got the corner shot by our shop.

And essentially I have now come to the conclusion that they were entirely liars.

Have you actually verified Cinnamon Bunde?

I think there is definitely a cinnamon,

like cinnamon buns.

There's definitely some, you can get that here now.

But I don't think it's called Cinnamon Bundo.

I think it's like called Cinnamon Buns or something like that.

But I think what she remembered about it was that, and my dad straight in there with the burn.

And everyone called you Cinnamon Bundo.

Everyone was like, hey, Cinnamon, how's it going?

Hey, Bundo.

You know, that's the worst thing to tell me, because I will now call you Cinnamon Bundo for the rest of your life.

Yeah, you probably will do that.

What am I in your phone at the minute?

Fennel McMeatball.

Yeah.

Fennel McMeatball.

Yeah, for various reasons, mainly because he hates fennel.

Hate it.

So I started calling him fennel.

How could you hate fennel?

Yeah.

Because it tastes like hell.

Do you hate fennel?

Now, some clarity.

Do you hate fresh fennel or do you hate dried fennel seeds?

Let's list everything that fennel could possibly be, and I hate all of that, Jess.

Okay, you hate fennel seeds.

I bet you've eaten fennel seeds without knowing it.

Yeah, they're in almost all curries, maybe.

I've had it knowing it, and it's disgusting.

I hate it.

I swear to it's like the base of lots and lots of curry.

Well they disguise it in that.

I don't taste any.

I've had fennel seeds and other stuff and been like that's disgusting.

To be fair I hate sweet corn.

I hate it.

I absolutely hate it.

But in a samosa I can tolerate it.

Well fennel.

So maybe you can tolerate fennel.

Yeah maybe the samosa is

yeah but I hate fennel.

That's why I call him fennel.

Fennel is actually a name though.

Cinnamon.

Well there probably is somebody called cinnamon.

It might be someone called cinnamon.

Yeah, I mean so Matt.

Cinnamon.

The cinnamon, Paul Cinnamon from the chase.

Yeah, the cinnamon, yeah, there you go.

Cinnamon and the cinnamon in a way.

Of course.

Of course.

How could we forget him from the chase?

Why do people on the chase sometimes go for negative numbers?

Like, why does anybody do that on the chase?

It really riles me.

Here's something about me.

I think I've seen at least 10 episodes of the chase.

I don't think I understand it still.

That's why I can't get over why anyone would choose to go away with less.

Just have a go.

I don't understand.

Maybe we're not getting something.

I don't understand a lot of it.

I've seen the clips where Bradley laughs at the word fanny and stuff.

Should we get on to your starter?

Yeah, sorry.

Yeah.

No,

this is where I guess it gets difficult for you.

It was really hard.

Yeah.

Was there a lot of contenders for starter?

Yeah.

Yeah.

There was a lot because starters are the best, aren't they?

Really, I'd like to have a meal of all starters.

Completely agree with you.

Yeah, just completely agree with that.

That's called tapas, Jess, isn't it?

Go ahead and do that.

But like, dessert's the best course.

No, dessert's the worst course.

Oh, God.

But okay.

So as a starter,

I'm going to pick that I would want like crab.

Crab, some sort of like fancy crab starter that you get in a restaurant, like maybe with avocado as well.

A fancy crab.

A crab starter.

Now there is a restaurant in London called Fancy Crab.

Is there?

There is.

I've been there.

You'd be surprised to hear a lot of crab on the menu.

Uh-huh.

But then they sort of panicked about a month after they opened and took a lot of the crab off the menu and put some other stuff on.

So it's just sort of a regular menu now.

Oh, that's terrible.

There's still crab on there, but it was very crab-focused initially.

And I took my girlfriend, she loves crabs so much.

I love crabs.

She's a big fan of crab.

The chicken of the sea.

The chicken of the sea, of course.

We've had this debate before.

Have we?

About what the chicken of the sea is.

Some people call tuna the chicken of the sea.

Oh, yeah, it sounds true.

I think.

No, chicken's the beef of the sea.

Chicken's the beef of the sea.

No, sorry.

No.

Tuna is the beef of the sea.

Tuna's the beef of the sea is what I mentioned.

Oh, because it's like a steak.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that's, yeah, that's closer to what it is.

I'm happy to call crab the chicken of the sea.

Would you ever call chicken crab of the land?

Yeah.

That's my favourite prodigy album.

Imagine a chicken walking sideways.

That'd be funny.

Yeah, that would be funny.

Yeah.

Undeniably, snapping its little hands.

Yes, those little feathers around.

Yeah.

That would be funny.

You're right.

How are we cooking the crab, Jess?

Well, I've just like, you know, you get the...

I've never made this.

My friend Amy once made it for me because she's quite 70s and always makes like 70s dinner.

Like you get like a little tower of crab nicely dressed with avocado.

So it's been like it's been steamed or something?

Yeah, I don't know.

And the reason that I actually, the reason I pick anything in a restaurant is I would never pick anything in a restaurant that I would ever make at home.

Right.

Ever.

That's right.

Chicken in a restaurant is like an insult.

Anyone who eats chicken in a restaurant.

It's got no imagination.

What about fried chicken?

That is a different category.

What do you get in Nando's?

I get chicken livers in Nando's because I would never cook chicken liver at home.

They're good.

The chicken livers in Nando's are good.

But I've not had them in ages.

They're good.

That's all I ever have in Nando's.

Chicken livers?

I didn't even know that was on the menu.

Yeah?

Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, it's really nice.

It comes with a little roll.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's right.

Mop up all the juices.

Yeah, because I would never cook that at home.

Now, fried chicken, I do prefer the fried chicken made at home, but I would eat fried chicken in a restaurant.

But I would never cook a crab at home because that is a lot of faff in it.

There's a lot of faff.

And I don't want to be faffing.

You don't want to be getting a live crab either, right?

I mean, no, not a bit of a bad.

Would you do that at home?

Get a live crab.

Get a live crab at home.

I wouldn't get a live crab at home.

I have been on the beach as a child and caught crabs.

Yeah, but not for a long time.

Then you pop them back, right?

I think so.

I mean, it's hard for me to remember.

I don't think I've ever seen it.

I hope you're not still in your bag.

Imagine that.

You've got loads of expenses.

Here is a crab from 1987.

Still with you.

You've taught it to talk by now, I'd imagine.

So

in a little tower with some...

Yeah, like with avocado and stuff.

I just really like that.

And whenever I'm in a restaurant and there is crab on a starter menu, I will always pick, whether it's crab cakes or like crabbing it out with avocado, I will always pick something that has crab in it.

Always.

Apart from a crab risotto, I draw the line there because I feel that the risotto overpowers the crab.

So I think you want quite a light starter then, I guess.

Yeah.

Quite a sort of light fresh starter.

Yeah, when you're not.

I don't want anything else.

I think they're my favourite salads are ones that have loads of crab in it.

Yeah.

That's really nice.

That's probably only in the last year I've really got into that.

Yeah.

Because for a while, it was salads.

I was like, I like the chicken and bacon salads, the ones that are basically just cheaps, and they're not really salads, are they?

No.

But now I like it when there's loads of crab in there.

I only looked at our producer, the Great Bonita, there, because that's the exact sort of story that he will, after the recording, say, James, that was really boring.

We're going to have to cut that out.

No, I really enjoyed that story because I totally agree that eating a salad with just loads of deep-fried bacon in, I have done that recently to make myself feel like I was eating a salad.

It's not okay.

It's a lie.

It's a lie.

Oh, my mum has having a salad.

You're having loads of bacon, loads of chicken covered in cheese.

My mum having a salad and mayonnaise.

My mum used to do a salad that

had

fried bacon, pine nuts, rock four, grapes, and then just some leaves scattered around it.

To be honest, that sounds delicious.

It's amazing.

It's like the middle of a delicious sandwich, but it's not.

Don't call it a salad.

No.

Not at all.

Probably shouldn't think a little bit like now.

That is nice, though.

I mean, I think that we play fast and loose with the term salad quite a lot, really.

Because like anything seems to be called a Russian salad, it's just mayonnaise and sausages.

It's second to

maybe some apple and walnuts.

It's unidentifiable what is in it.

It's delicious, but it's unidentifiable.

But it does just seem like sausages.

Frankfurt is

mayonnaise.

I'm not sure we can call that a salad.

I did look at, was it like a chopped salad or a cobb salad in America America before?

And it came on a huge plate.

It's just like a line of, massive line of boiled egg, bacon, blue cheese, and maybe like some chopped tomato, and then a very thin bed of lettuce, and then drizzled in like mayonnaise, basically.

Yeah, that is not a salad.

Not at all.

If the amount that was in there, if they put that in a sandwich, I'd be like, this is three sandwiches worth of stuff.

I ate it all.

If it tastes nice, it's not a salad.

That's the rule.

As soon as I have a bite of it, if that tastes good, I'm like, oh, what's the point of this?

I'm actually having this to be good.

Okay, well, I'll put that rule down onto the legislative framework.

Yeah.

So I'll let them know.

That passes into law for you.

Let them know.

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Come to your main course, yeah.

So that's a nice light starter.

Yeah,

the crab and the avocado there

because you're leaving room for something.

Sounds like you're leaving room for something.

I mean, I wasn't, but potentially, yeah.

So, as a main I would have

I did want to pick like another fish thing and I thought I can't have two fish.

I would never have two fish in a restaurant.

I would never make such a mistake never.

You never never double fish.

I do quite eat eat quite a lot of fish in the restaurant because the rule is don't eat what you will cook at home because and I never cook fish at home.

Yeah.

But I did want like another fish thing that my husband actually cooks at home.

Because actually I in reality I don't cook at home at all.

So that's quite a it's just quite a nice order having that chance actually isn't it?

Eat whatever you want at a restaurant.

Anything you can make at home.

I could eat literally just a toast in a restaurant because I don't even make that.

I've of all weather cinemas is like, don't watch any films that you would make yourself.

That's what I always say.

But I was really torn because my absolute favourite treat thing to dinner to eat.

Once I'd given up on fish because I wanted to have crab as a starter.

Yeah.

I really love it when you have a fried breakfast for dinner.

It feels like the greatest treat in the world to have a fried breakfast.

Have you actually done it for dinner?

Yeah, we do it all the time.

We're like, we call it breakfast for dinner, and the kids get like really excited.

And we're like, we're just going to have bacon and eggs and sausages.

We're going to have a full English for dinner.

And it feels...

Ah, that's called a Birmingham salad.

A very salad.

It's just with fennel and coriander on the top.

Have you ever met anyone who does this before?

You've never met a person who has breakfast for dinner?

Breakfast for dinner?

As a fly-up?

For dinner?

I don't think my mouth could cope with it.

I think I'd start eating it and my brain would be like, it's very good.

You like the cognitive dissonance you get when you have something that isn't fizzy out of a can yes like that water thing like the water being in cans yeah it's like so horrendous like feels right

yeah i know it's saving the planet and stuff but sometimes i think

i don't like polar bears that much it's a good job i didn't bring david attenborough with me yeah i'll tell attenborough about it what you want me drinking flat drinks out of a can

is that what you want Also, Ed, I don't think that...

I think you were with me on the fry up.

I think you've never even

seen it.

You were acting because Jess's political persuasion.

No, I like the idea of it, though.

She managed to convince you that it's a normal thing, and you were like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But everyone's sitting there.

What I wasn't sitting there.

Everyone sitting there acting like that was a normal thing that Jess just said.

James, bravo to you, because you're speaking truth to power.

True power.

You're calling Jess on her BS.

Yes.

Yeah.

I am calling you to please.

I can't believe people don't have to.

By BS, I mean breakfast, supper.

I can't believe you'd never have breakfast for dinner.

Mike.

You'll like a bowl of cereal at night.

I do like a bowl of cereal at night.

You do?

Yes, I do.

I'm calling Truth of Power at night.

No, I wouldn't have it.

Don't call it Truth of Power.

Listen.

You wouldn't have it for your tea.

You wouldn't have cereal at night.

No, I'm not going to be like this as my main dinner.

No, no.

I'd maybe have it like a little snack before bed.

Yeah.

But I've never met anyone before who has breakfast, fried breakfast for dinner in the evening.

I'm not saying it's a bad idea.

I'm saying it's inspired.

It sounds amazing.

But you are pretending like it's something that everyone does.

I know others who do it.

I've met them.

Name them.

Full names.

Amy Terry, Nee Furman.

My friend who lives on the next street.

I sometimes go to hers for breakfast for dinner.

She does everything 70s, though.

So, you know,

it's a limited repertoire where a fry-up fits in well.

That and chicken Kiev.

Name someone that...

does breakfast for dinner who doesn't do it because you're directly influenced

well i don't know because i only know the people i've directly influenced okay so that's everyone in your life

you're in control of.

I mean,

I can't believe you've never had.

Like, egg and chips, people have that, but egg and chips is literally the greatest meal.

If I had a death row meal, actually, I would have egg and chips.

Is that what your main is?

Well,

I thought we were doing fried breakfast for dinner.

We were going breakfast for dinner.

Yeah, yeah.

But

egg and chips is essentially just breakfast for dinner, like a fry up for dinner.

Chips is not.

No, chips is not a bad friend.

I mean, this is a debate that me and my husband have been having since for the 14 years that we have been together because he always has chips on a fried breakfast.

Mad.

What?

Only in the calf.

Who is this guy?

It's not at home, but in the calf.

No wonder he's not on social media.

His instincts are going to be fucking nuts.

Don't know what time of day it is with this guy every time he tweets his pictures of his food.

He has breakfast for dinner, but he has chips with his breakfast.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He has two sausage, two eggs, and chips, two bread and butter, and a mug of tea.

That's what he has in the calf.

Wow.

What?

And he goes to the calf a lot, like

very sweet.

Very

sweet how quickly you rattled that off as well.

That was quite romantic.

I liked that.

Completely know it off by heart.

It's nice.

So I think we need to hear what's on your fry up.

Because this, we've not actually tackled this.

I'm very excited that it's a fry-up.

I'm very glad we've got a fry-up on the...

Yeah, because we've not tackled the...

Because that is...

That's a conversation.

We could do a whole new podcast on what should be on a fried breakfast.

When you put this out, I swear to God, you're going to get loads of people saying, we have breakfast for dinner as a joke.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll see.

Yeah, sure.

And

all their surnames will be Phillips

all look like you

take us through what's on it okay so I am very very strict that you cannot have beans on a fried breakfast yes yes what the fuck is happening right now I woken up in another universe a day

are the cancer of a fried breakfast

they get moving to Birmingham and I'm voting for you they get into

literally everything Yes.

The only source necessary on a fried breakfast is that that comes from the yolk of an egg.

Right.

What about if you put them in a little ramekin, the beans?

I will accept that other people can do that.

I don't wish to create an even more divided society.

You went proper MP then, it was plenty.

I won't shun you.

I won't feel any judgment towards you.

I just would never do that.

I don't.

Beans only should exist on toast.

Very, very hot, made very, very hot.

I can't bear a lukewarm bean.

No, it shouldn't be full style.

I don't, I wouldn't ever pick to eat them, but sometimes my husband makes like really buttery beans with a bit of

with a bit of chili sauce in and toast, and it just tastes like the comfort of childhood.

But no, but as a rule, as a rule, I wouldn't have beans.

So no beans,

you'd have at least two sausage, two bacon, good, two fried egg.

I mean, we wouldn't necessarily all have all of this when we were having breakfast breakfast for dinner.

Because often breakfast for dinner is

born out of necessity of what is in the fridge.

Yeah.

Or what you can buy from the corner shop.

And you can buy breakfast materials from the corner shop.

And free chillies.

And free chick.

Well, we've moved from there.

That really great to a corner shop's gone now.

We've got, we see, we've got a bit posher.

As you get posher, corner shops get shitter.

That is a fact.

Oh, yeah.

That's definitely true.

So two sausage, two egg, two bacon, maybe three bacon.

If it's streaky, three.

Yeah, definitely.

Three.

Just want a nest of bacon, really.

I would have black pudding.

I personally, I don't mind a fresh tomato, but I prefer a tinned.

That's what can get off my breakfast.

Yeah, I'm not having that either.

You're not having a tinned tomato?

I would hoof that across the room like a hot puck.

I do not want a tomato.

I've never seen a tomato that actually looked like a tomato that comes out of a tin.

They seem

like something happens to them in the day.

Alien, yeah.

It's like they've been incarcerated and they've changed.

Yeah, yeah.

But their flavour's changed as well, everything about them has changed.

Anyway, so I'd have that.

And I would have either

some sort of potato product, so maybe fried potato, hash brown, or like

my husband makes amazing like homemade hash browns, which are more like sort of like potato rusty sort of thing.

And he makes them with chorizo in.

Do you know what I want to do?

That would be nice, what?

All three of us.

Rank all the items on a fried breakfast.

What's the best?

Okay, where's the best?

Which one do you leave for last?

Because you want to save it.

I'm putting, personally, tomato bottom of the skin.

Okay, fine.

Absolute bottom.

I know yours is beans.

Yeah, beans.

I'm putting tomato bottom.

Like, grilled tomato.

Because no one ever grills them for long enough.

Yeah.

I stayed in a hotel in Nottingham recently, and I swear to God, they just put out raw tomatoes.

Right.

They hadn't even said hello to a grill.

Just raw tomatoes.

So they're bottom for me.

Yeah, they're often done badly.

You're quite right.

It's hard to get right.

Yeah, but your bottom is beans.

My bottom is beans.

And then I'd put tomatoes.

If I had to remove something from it, I'd remove tomatoes.

So I think I'd put beans second from bottom, even though I like them.

Okay.

I'm with you, buddy.

Can I just say this is the sort of consensus building that the nation needs?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're all doing this very peacefully.

Yeah, quite nice.

Peacefully.

Then I'd go black pudding, personally.

Ooh,

the peace is about to be disturbed.

Oh.

Again, I don't hate you for that, but I would not take off black pudding.

Black pudding is a thing I save till last because it's my first time.

Black pudding's near the top for me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was like to point out that everything from beans onwards, I like.

Okay.

But this is just that I'm just having a worse Sebastian.

I had a party at my flat once, and everyone brings like a bottle of something to a party, or they might bring maybe a dip that they've made or something.

Our friend Joe Williams just brought us a bag of Stornaway black pudding.

I brought this to the party.

You don't have to eat it now?

I would be chill.

Yeah, I was so happy.

We ate it the next morning, hung over it.

It was perfect.

Yeah, exactly.

That was it.

It was incredible, yeah.

I think this is fair to say.

I cannot emphasise enough, Jess, how much you would get on with Joe Williams.

You would really get on with Joe Williams.

Well, tell Joe to call.

My email is widely available on the internet, so

my third from bottom is black pudding.

Okay, well, I think I would have to put third from bottom

sausage.

Oh,

now, you might be able to hear a truck in the background.

That's come to pick me up after I tell you what my third worst is.

It's the hash brown.

Oh, go to prison.

I just don't need any more.

I'm having toast with it, so I don't need any more carbs on that.

I do not have toast as my breakfast.

Yay, yay!

And let me tell you, as I'm making current rules, you definitely never have toast on breakfast for dinner.

Right, okay.

You're allowed to make those rules.

Yeah, you don't have to.

Breakfast for dinner.

Toast is very exclusively for the morning.

What are you mopping up the egg with?

The The hash brown and the bacon.

No,

there's not enough soakable qualities with the hash brown and the bacon.

You need a spongy material to mop up the eggs.

There's not enough

egg yolk to need loads of mopping once you've dipped everything in it.

I think you're not.

Once everyone's had a go.

Yeah.

Well, that's where we're at.

Hash browns is my third from bottom.

Okay.

Egg next.

Egg.

Yeah.

But you can't.

Egg has to be number one.

It has to be the thing you can't take away because anything can be a breakfast.

It could be any meal if it didn't have an egg on it.

The egg makes it a breakfast, I think.

Interesting.

That's a fair argument, but I'm still as it's fourth and bottom for me.

It's mid-table.

Tricky.

Now it's just all it's all hit.

It's all the hits.

Yeah, it's all the remote.

Here on end.

I couldn't get rid of egg.

Egg and bacon have to remain.

Egg and bacon are the solid.

They have to be on every breakfast.

They're my top two.

I'm going to let you know.

I'm going to go straight to my top.

Sausage is top.

Sausage is top.

Sausage is top.

Hash brown is my top one.

How do you like that shit?

That's why I started this game.

Because I wanted to tell you that hash brown is my top one.

If you've got breakfast for dinner, what is your side, Jess?

You can't imagine.

There's my side.

I mean, obviously the side would be toast in this instance, but I've never seen it.

But you can't.

I've recorded the dinner.

You've literally ruled that out.

You can't go back on your promises at this stage.

Does my side have to go with the breakfast?

Are you totally up to the break?

The side I would always pick if I was in a restaurant that absolutely always would be some sort of spinach.

Like spinach.

So like in an Indian restaurant, you have like sagpaneer on the side.

And in,

you know, in like a steakhouse, you'd have cream spinach.

I always just want spinach.

So glad you said salt paneer and not sagaloo.

I love soul paneer so much.

Any way of getting

pour cheese into a meal.

Absolutely.

Alugobi, if you're going aloo, alugobi.

But yeah, not sagaloo.

I agree with you.

It's wrong.

It gets clacky.

It does.

Yeah.

Salt paneer is so good.

I love paneer, so I like it.

Absolutely.

The Indian halloumi.

Do you want sagpaneer as your side?

I could have sagpanier as my salt.

Yeah, that's what you want.

That's what I want.

You know what?

That is really what I want.

I want sark paneer.

You You can have it.

If you want that, you can have that.

Sark Bonier on my side.

To be honest, it sounds outrageous, but almost certainly we have eaten this as a family.

Breakfast for dinner with Sark Bonier on the side.

Because, again, necessity.

Have you ever had curry for breakfast?

Yeah.

For shizzle.

Of course.

Oh, of course.

Curry for breakfast is...

And in Birmingham...

If you wouldn't plan it, though, would you plan it?

Well, I wouldn't plan it.

Yeah.

But in Birmingham at the moment, there is loads of dosa and curry places that are starting to open to serve breakfast.

Great.

Oh, great.

My husband keeps saying we must go to one of these breakfast curries, but we haven't yet because we don't really live in the same city anymore.

We very rarely wake up in the same bed.

But we will.

We will one day.

There's a lot of good food in Birmingham at the moment.

I was there recently, and there's a lot of good new places.

I went to an excellent place called Tiger Bites Pig.

Oh, it's amazing!

So good.

Did you have like the weird little yolk thing?

There's like a

fossilised yolk or something.

I don't know what it is.

But it looks like a boiled sweet but it's the yolk of an egg tiger white pig is my top place to go in birmingham it's right next to the railway station it is really near the railway station i had probably the best bow i've ever had there

my husband will be so thrilled when he hears this the duck is the least best of the bows is it well that's what i had and it was amazing well so i've got to go and have the other ones it is amazing but it is the the the least good one in there and the rice bowls are amazing yeah my husband

is evangelical about tiger white pig at the moment so he'll be be pleased to hear this.

It's very good.

Also, I know, I'm not going to tell this because Ben will have a go at me for telling the boring story.

Oh, I want to hear it.

I walked all the way there from my hotel and realised I'd left my bank card at the hotel.

And

I had to walk all the way back and get the bank card and then go back.

But I'd already, I basically walked all the way there, made my order, realised I hadn't got my card, walked all the way back to my hotel, then walked back and then got my food ready.

Now, Attenborough would have been given that for free.

Yeah, yeah.

David Attenborough would have it.

Would have just got that for free.

Straight there.

he really saved that anecdote with a callback at the end there

yeah thank you jess

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We come to your drink, Jess.

Okay.

You do seem pretty calm about this one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know what I always want to drink when I'm out.

I mean, obviously, if it was at home having breakfast or dinner, I'd probably have a cup of tea.

But I would say I would have a margarita as my drink.

Choice always.

Yes.

Just a classic margarita.

A classic.

Not a frozen one.

I mean, I'll take it frozen.

I'm not snobby about it.

Sure.

I can pretend to be like, you know, I'm spring break in tijuana and drink frozen drinks.

Yeah.

There's a restaurant that we've gone on about a lot on this podcast called Shack Fu You that do, they have like a slushy machine that's full of frozen Yuzu margarita.

And that is

amazing.

Why is it?

It's Old Compton Street.

Okay.

It's incredible.

I drank that last night, Ed.

Did you?

Were you there last last night?

There last night.

And I had.

No, I wasn't there.

Sorry.

Night before last.

I was uncorrected.

You'd have to correct the record in a point of order.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would have to do that.

I am definitely going to go to this place with the frozen margarita.

That sounds amazing.

It's brilliant.

My girlfriend doesn't drink that much, but every time we, whatever time of day it is, we go to Shackfuyu, she has to have a frozen margarita.

It's so good.

But

I love a margarita.

And it's the citrus.

It's

heavy lime flavour.

Absolutely love it.

Cuts through whatever you're eating.

It's like rocket fuel as well.

So I just love salt.

Yes.

I just want to lick salt.

Some of the best flavours.

All day long.

I mean, I frequently, like when I'm going to get something from the cupboard where you have the salt thing, I frequently just eat salt.

I love it.

There's a Twitter account that tweets quotes from this podcast out of context.

And I think that I just want to lick salt all day long.

It's going to go on there.

Excellent.

I mean, I'm okay with that.

You eat salt on its own sometimes out of the cupboard.

Yeah.

Just like, you know, the big crystally bits, like you just pick one up.

Yeah.

And then have it.

And they look so pretty, like snowflakes.

Yeah.

And then you have a little go.

Again, you have a knack for making things sound like everyone does them.

Yeah.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure people are going around eating salt crystals on their own.

I think.

I mean, you like, so you like the taste of blood.

Yep.

And you just eat salt from the cupboard.

I'm starting to worry you're like deficient in like iron and I am iron deficient.

Are you?

Yeah.

That's why you like the taste of blood.

Ed is a little detective.

Oh detect detective doctor.

When you have iron deficiency when you're pregnant, the thing that you crave, and I did crave this a lot, is it's not blood.

It's not anything that's got any iron in it, weirdly.

The body is sometimes not very clever.

It's ice, crunching ice.

So my husband at the time, because we didn't live we lived in basically a squat, and we didn't have a usable freezer, he used to go to the local pub with a bag and ask them to fill it up from their ice machine.

Oh, that's such a nice romantic thing.

I would just sit and crunch on ice.

Also, you want to have really cold water, but you specifically want to suck it from a flannel.

Really?

What?

No,

I get that.

Is this your dessert, Jess?

A flannel?

You understand that?

Full of cold water?

You understand that?

I remember being a kid and being

able to suck water out of it.

It's a really common, it's a commonly reported thing.

What's the world about woken up?

Like, everyone's talking about this kind of stuff, like it's real and normal.

Everyone just sucks water off of flannels, do they now?

It's a nice sensation.

It is, because it's like,

I suppose it's a bit like breastfeeding, maybe.

That's what it is.

Yeah.

I've never heard this.

I've never heard this before.

Because you have to put the effort in, like, it's nice.

And it all comes out on it.

But it's a really common thing amongst pregnant women, apparently, that they want to suck things out of a flannel.

And so I definitely, I was iron deficient when I was pregnant, and I used to just crunch like bags and bags and bags of ice.

I got a lot of brain freeze.

In Victorian times, pregnant women were known as flannel suckers.

That's not true.

I'm being like...

If David Attenborough has a huge...

I'm calling BS.

You call him BS.

Also, before we move on, because you brought up ice, it's been brought to my attention that on a previous episode with Dara, I said that I do not like ice in anything.

I've since changed my mind since that episode, and I now like it in Bloody Mary's.

Okay, you turn.

So, I'd like,

have you turned on it?

I'd like that to be included in the podcast, please, Benito, so that people don't think my standpoint on ice is incorrect.

So, you like it in a Bloody Mary?

Yes.

But not in anything else.

You wouldn't have like a cold drink with ice in it.

No.

What about a gin and tonic?

You can't have a gin and tonic without ice.

Maybe I would have it in gin and tonic, but like.

There he goes.

You've been eating ice in everything.

You turn in all over.

But like, yeah, there's very few.

There's less drinks I'd like it in than there is that I would.

I don't understand when people put it in like pints of drinks.

Like that cider thing where people put ice in.

That's where...

Oh, yeah.

Although the other day I was in, this has happened to me in London, another area where London is terribly deficient.

I have now on three separate occasions asked for a lager and lime in a pub in London and been given a pint of lager with a lime in the top of it.

With a fresh lime.

With like a quarter of a fresh lime.

One time in Hackney and the woman's, I said, no, I meant lime cordial and she was just like, that's not a thing.

And I was like, oh, wow.

That is a thing, Hackney.

That is a thing.

Imagine if you told her about breakfast and the other day.

And finally, the best course of them all, the dessert.

I just don't know what to have for a dessert.

I don't have a lot in their hands.

Sorry.

I just don't.

I found this really, really hard because I don't really like dessert.

I'll really respect you now, though, if you go for another breakfast.

Yeah.

Porridge.

Bowl of porridge.

Bowl of porridge.

That would be amazing.

With,

or just like bacon and maple syrup with pancakes.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

No, I don't.

I mean, I would always have cheese for

you.

Yes.

Oh, God.

Yes.

Fuck you, Jess.

Fuck you!

It's finally happened!

The first person!

And I'm so on board with it.

Oh, God!

Oh,

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ!

That came out of nowhere.

There were so many warning signs along the way.

Breakfast for dinner, sucking a flannel, so much stuff that should have tipped me off that the cheese was coming round the bend, and I didn't see it coming.

I'm annoyed in myself that I didn't see this coming.

Oh, God.

Is that your initial choice?

Yes.

Oh, right.

Take us through the cheeses you'd like on your cheese board, please, Jess.

Right.

Has no one ever said that before.

No, I'm so.

James has turned his microphone around.

I can't speak it, do it.

I, I mean, you've got to have like a blue, a hard cheese, a soft cheese.

I'd say a sheep's cheese and a goat's.

Lovely.

It's what I'd go for.

And I would always, you know, I really like those crackers that have like sort of cherries in them or

like the fruits

that are really like brittle.

Yeah.

I love that.

They're really good.

I love those.

So yeah, I'd go for that.

James?

Well, thanks for coming in, James.

Your book is available, Triple Power.

Everyone go and buy that.

Jesus.

Oh, man.

Oh, Jesus.

I love that.

We don't get to discuss the cheese.

I can't bring myself to do it.

I can't believe you've done this to me.

Have you been prepped for this?

Have you not been prepped to it?

I've been told to go in and get it.

She said at the beginning, she's like starters.

She doesn't like desserts.

I did say that at the start.

It's like the oldest.

She's been consistent throughout the day.

It's like a well-written film.

Well, I should have seen the twist coming and I didn't see it coming.

Like, yeah, that was...

You're right.

At the start, you said it was a bit of a drink.

Jess's M.

Night Shamalandlandia.

Huh?

Jess's M.

Night Shamalandia.

She has.

M.

Night Shamalandi.

I said it better, didn't I?

I don't know what that is.

M-Night Shamaland, you wrote Sixth Sense.

Oh, right, okay.

Yeah.

I get that there, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I see dead people and stuff.

I watched The Sixth Sense recently with my eldest son, and I was like, like just staring at him all the way through for the payoff.

And he just went, oh yeah.

I was like,

we're living in a different time now.

We are.

We're so used to twists.

At the time, that was incredible.

That was mind-blowing.

Incredible.

But he was just like,

I see what they've done there.

He's fake kid.

Yeah, yeah, but

this is a boy who has breakfast for dinner.

Yeah.

He's used to things being flipped on their head.

Yeah, they'd be like, yeah, pretty cool.

My dad's chips are breakfast.

Who cares?

Right, here we go.

Got to read your order back to you.

Some of this is going to sting.

The last one will.

Water, sparkling, every time.

Poppadoms or bread?

Poppadoms, every time.

Starter, a tower of crab with avocado.

Main course: breakfast for dinner.

Full English.

Two sausage, two eggs, two/slash free bacon, black pudding, tin tomatoes, hashed browns, buckets, no beans, no toast.

Side, sard pannier.

Drink, frozen margarita.

Dessert.

Thanks for coming on, Jess.

Oh, James, James, James.

Shut up, up, I'm Jesus.

Shut up.

Yo, damn.

Quoting does not befit you, Ed.

It's all backfired, hasn't it, mate?

All this time, people coming in talking about puddings, and I sit here and go, well, that sounds nice, each to their own.

And then someone says cheeseboard, and you blew a fucking gasket.

Crowing over there like a rooster.

Unbelievable behaviour in front of an MP, no less.

She's demoted now, in my eyes.

What's she demoted to?

PM.

Well, what's exciting is Jess Phillips' book is out this week.

What was it called?

Cheese dessert.

It's called Truth to Power: Seven Ways to Call Time on BS.

Are you going to try and call her on a Cheese BS?

I did try.

You heard me.

I tried my best.

I don't think that's it.

If you'd read the book, you'd know that screaming at the top of your voice and screaming, fuck you, Jess, is not part of

calling time on BS.

That's just having a little breakdown.

So I'm very proud of Jess.

Thank you so much for all your choices.

She's my choice.

She's my choice for PM.

And then finally, we can

institute no puddings and cheese boards for all.

Ed, the place is all too raw now.

Do not do that.

So go and just having a laugh, but come on.

Go get Jess's book.

Come and see me on tour.

I'm touring from around now, doing the rest of my nationwide tour.

It's called Blizzard.

Finishing it all off with a final performance of the show at the Shepherd's Bush Empire in London on December 20th.

Go on to edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

James, what are you up to, mate?

My name is James Acaster.

At James Acaster on Twitter.

I've got a book out called Perfect Sound Whatever.

It's about the music of 2016, how it's the greatest year for music of all time.

Every now and again, I slag off edit it.

Perfect.

The perfect book.

Keep listening to this podcast.

Subscribe, do all that, leave a little review.

Hit us up on the socials, why not?

At Off Menu Official on Twitter and Instagram, and offmenupodcast.co.uk on the internet thing.

I really wish Jess Phillips had chosen the whole coffee bean because I could have actually chucked her out.

Thanks, Jess,

very much for listening.

I've got to go and calm down a very grumpy little genie.

We'll see you next week.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies is coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickety click click.

London, we're coming.