Ep 22: Suzi Ruffell

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

I don't mind carving.

Oh, wait, for a second there, I thought you weren't going to do one, and then you just snuck it in at the end.

You snuck it in.

I don't mind carving the pod.

Oh, clever.

Ed Gamble there.

Oh, little James A.

Castor.

Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, where we invite a special guest to tell us their dream meal.

Their favourite starter, main, dessert, side, drink.

And today, our guest is Susie Ruffle.

You stayed in rhythm all the way through and I really appreciated it, man.

You can take the drummer off of the drum kit.

You can't take the drum kit out of the drummer.

You can't take the drum kit out of the drummer.

Natural rhythm.

That's awful.

Susie Ruffle is a wonderful comedian.

Amazing comedian.

We've known Susie for a very long time.

I think we all started out at a similar time, didn't we?

Yep.

She's now been smashing it on shows like Mock the Week and Roast Battle.

Live at the Apollo.

Live at the Apollo.

Has she been on Mock the Week?

Yeah.

Yes!

All the main ones.

She's just done all the main ones and she's been brilliant on all of them.

But I wonder what her food tastes will be.

Well, I hope her food tastes don't involve celery, Ed, because that's our secret ingredient this week.

And she'll get kicked out of the restaurant if she says celery, even though I like celery.

I don't like celery.

And I tell you what, there's a caveat on that.

I don't like raw celery.

I understand that sometimes you have to add celery when you're cooking something like a sauce or a stew or something.

And it boils down to almost tasteless.

But, you know.

Raw celery can absolutely get out of my head.

I like it, but you know, I'm happy to stand stand by you on this one.

If Susie says celery, she's out of the restaurant.

Thanks, man.

Let's have a little listen to the off-menu choices of Susie Ruffle.

And we have a new customer in the dream restaurant.

It's Susie Ruffle.

Hello.

Oh my god, a genie!

Welcome!

Oh my god, there's a genie!

Oh, so good to have finally have someone surprised to see me and delighted to see me.

Over the moon, love

heard loads about you.

Can I ask first of all, where do you live when you don't, when you're not in...

Are you in a lamp?

Oh, no, no.

I'm in a magic eight ball.

Usually.

Okay.

Usually, actually, I mean, I'd say that changes every episode where the genie lives.

You have been in a lamp?

Yeah, I've been in a lamp in a gravy boat, so before, but in between episodes, I live in a magic eight ball because that's how us genies make our money on the weekends.

Right, I can't.

I just want to clear a few things up about genies.

They don't, they're in the lamp all the time unless someone rubs them and then they're out the lamp.

They don't go into the lamp and then someone rubs the lamp and then they come out.

That would just be that's an

extra added step.

Would it work?

You'd be in the lamp the whole time.

You'd be in the lamp the whole time.

No,

I can be poured into another

poured vessel.

Can you choose to go in the Magic Ape board after the restaurant closes?

Yep.

Yeah.

And then where do you go?

I have to clock in when I go into the Magic Ape Ball.

Right?

Clock in.

Well, like an an old factory?

Yeah.

Yeah,

and then I wait in there, and then people shake it, and then I tell them they're going to.

People come and ask me questions as a mic ball.

But it's a magic eight ball sat in the middle of a shut restaurant.

Who's coming in?

Occasionally, you know, the cleaners.

Cleaners will shake it.

Should I carry on cleaning this restaurant?

Yeah.

Yes, please.

Yes, please.

Susie Raffles coming.

I want to spick and span.

And it is.

It's gorgeous.

It's going to be a good thing.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Well, welcome.

Welcome, Susie.

You've met the genie.

The genie's popped out of the lamp and

the slash magic ball there.

Do you like a clean restaurant?

Is that very important to you?

Oh, so important.

Yeah.

Actually, as a child, I went to,

I'd seen this TV show of like, you know, when they're like, look at how dirty these kitchens are.

Let's make a show.

Yeah.

They've got like a one, a rating of one on their hygiene thing.

And so I watched that when I was about nine and became really concerned that restaurants were dirty.

Yeah.

And so then.

Apologies.

There's no dust.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that was the worst time of cough.

Yeah.

I also have some questions about who's going to cook my food.

But I'll get into that in a minute.

So I was at this restaurant with my dad as a child, and I said, I'm really worried that the kitchen's not clean.

And then, and we were in an Indian restaurant, and I kept saying to her, I'm really worried the kitchen's not clean because there's TV shows about...

about kitchens not being clean.

And then the guy that owned the restaurant was like, oh, come and see the kitchen.

So they took me into the kitchen and they showed me how you make a gnar bread.

It was great.

Wow,

so you got to leave the and was it clean?

It was.

Can I see the kitchen here before we carry on?

Yeah, let's open the door, a little look.

That is sparkling.

Little look around.

That is awesome.

Did I learn how to make a gnar bread?

Oh, you already know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No point.

No point teaching you.

The thing is, it's your dream restaurant as well.

So the restaurant is as clean, exactly is as clean as you'd want it to be.

That's what's great.

That's the kitchen of your mind.

So it's you who's made it sparkling.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, if you look at our food and hygiene, if you look at this hygiene certificate, you can see it's five stars and there's your face next to it because you're the

with two thumbs up you're you're you're the government body that we're reporting to

government body what's my nickname

well welcome the government body to the dream restaurant are you a food are you a food head

i mean i eat food with my head yeah yes

i just i think i've i've been saying to people are you a foodie and i think that that you know, that bristles people a little.

They say, oh, no, I'm not so foodie because foodie would suggest like being quite a snob about food.

I think so.

I'm trying to say food head, like it's a cool thing.

Britishness, isn't it?

It's difficult being British.

Yeah,

because we, most British people, we have this, like, we don't want to be considered snobs or like pretentious.

And then the people who do, they go all in.

Yeah, because they decide, I'm just going to be a posh old snob.

And then they don't care.

Yeah.

And then they're, oh, I mean, I know that Susie likes food being young.

Yeah, we've been for food a number of times.

We tried to work our way through an entire menu, didn't we?

Over time.

Yeah, not in one day.

What was the menu menu in question um how do you say it shack for you shack for you shack for you and uh lovely restaurant yeah

i'd say it's one i'm in my top my top three in london i'd say yeah it's very good it's very good and we we uh susie chose the i remember you were like this got the aubergines yep we got that lovely aubergines had a great time and you're like let's come we'll go back here again or we'll just choose different things because like we're like we're quite impressed that we'd chosen a bunch of different dishes at random they were all good like maybe everything's good on here.

And so we'd go back and we'd always order something different.

And we didn't hit upon a dud, did we?

No.

No, I don't think there are any dud dishes.

Yeah.

Yeah, really good.

So I guess I am a bit of a food head.

Yes, I think you'd say a food head.

I think you're a food head.

Yeah, I think I'm a bit of a food head.

I like food.

I enjoy cooking.

And I like

treating myself to a nice dinner.

I would say going out for dinner is one of my favourite things to do rather than like going to the club.

Yeah.

Also, I don't think you can combine the two things.

Dinner and the club.

I don't think you can have dinner and de club.

No.

Because if you have to dinner, I want to go to home.

I want to go to deben.

Yeah, yeah.

So I'd say, yeah, it's one of my favourite things to do.

And something me and my girlfriend do quite a lot: go to a nice restaurant.

Have you got like a regular restaurant that you go to, the two of you?

No, we'll try and find a new one.

Great, great.

That's sort of the vibes.

Something someone suggested.

Was there a, when you first started seeing your girlfriend, was it like a romantic?

Yes, when we first started going out, she took me to Fumo, which I thought was a great baller move of like, I'm going to take you to a really nice restaurant.

Right.

That is a baller move.

It's a great baller move.

And sort of did a, it's like

Italian tapas.

Oh, yeah.

Small plates?

Yeah, sure.

Small plates, yeah.

Yeah.

One of my other drag names.

Small plates is a great drag name.

I'm covering my small boobs.

Yeah, small plates, sharing.

Sharing is quite nice on a date as well, isn't it?

Yeah.

If you're like, oh, this is...

Also, it just lets the other person know that you're not one of those people who's going to order for yourself and then not share.

Yeah.

Because you don't want to be with some of that for a while.

Well, the problem for me is that I could do small plates on a date to show the other person that I'm not the sort of person who's just going to eat all the food and wants to order and just not share.

But I am that person.

You are that person.

So why lie?

I've shared food with you before.

Yeah.

And I've had.

James was very hungry.

Yeah, yeah.

He went home crying.

Also, apologies to announce this, James.

I'm not trying to sleep with you.

So I don't control myself in these situations.

The genie looks sad.

Yeah.

This is the curse of being a genie.

No one ever wants to sleep with the genie.

He's not normally blue, but he's got a shade of blue.

That's why I always over-order at those sharing places.

So Shak Fu Yu is quite a sharing place, isn't it?

And I always over-order.

My technique for that is just start ordering and watch the waiter's face.

Every single time you order something and you can notice little changes in their face.

If they suddenly wince, you go like, okay, one more, and then that's enough.

Yeah, we once went to Shack Fuyu and or with Nish and ordered too much we couldn't finish.

So, so much.

I mean, that's impressive.

Yeah.

We went crazy.

Yeah, we went crazy.

Yeah, yeah.

We ordered so much and we knew we'd done it.

Yeah, it was a real, really good day.

Yeah.

FUMO sounds great.

I'll watch it.

Yeah, it's really nice.

It's really nice.

Sorry you weren't invited, James.

No, I'm getting FOMO.

I hated that.

I really hated that.

I hated that.

Five minutes ago, I planned on saying that.

I knew I was going to say it.

Well, can we start you off with some water?

Would you like to sparkling on that?

You haven't offered to take my coat, which I find very rude.

You offer to take everyone else's.

Oh, fuck.

Actually, the genie's fairly inconsistent.

I don't offer to take everyone's coat.

Oh, is it people that you like the most?

No, no.

Some people, I actually only offer to take their coats if I think their coat is bad.

Do you want me to take that?

Do you want me to take that and burn it?

Incinerate it immediately.

Did you just whisper the end of it?

Do you want me to take that?

So I can burn it.

And then burn it forever, because you look awful.

But you look so good in your coat, I thought you would want to keep it.

But if you want me to take it, no, no, no, I don't need to burn it.

Okay, no, no, it's fine.

Always burn them.

Thank you for letting me come to your restaurant.

Okay, would you like some water?

I'd love some water.

Put your coat out when it's ablaze.

Sparkling or still?

Sparkling.

Wow, straight away as well.

No messing around.

You're so confident when you said you weren't.

And you fix me with a stare there as if to say, you go on then.

You go on, see if you can mess with my choice there.

No,

I think it quenches your thirst more than normal water.

Oh,

no, this is King Chester.

We haven't had this reason yet.

No, because it's clearly not true.

I like it.

That's not true.

Otherwise, you'd see like people on the Tour de France glugging down a big bottle of bad water.

Oh, that's a good point, Susie.

Are we using the Tour de France as our benchmark for everything?

Well, they're thirsty.

Yeah.

But sportsmen don't use.

No, but yeah, but

I'm thirsty in a different way.

Okay, how are you thirsty?

Like in a cute way?

So all that can quench your thirst is bubbles?

Yeah, like in a sort of cute, fun way.

Like in a quirky way, like in a Zoe Dishanel way.

Oh, yeah.

Dishonel, wouldn't it spark?

I just think it quenches your thirst better.

Oh, I don't think that's true.

I think the bubbles, if anything, make you more thirsty.

No, because they like get on your tongue.

Yeah.

And they like zap it up.

No, because you're not hot.

And you go, oh.

They don't zap anything up.

What What are you talking about?

Don't tell us that.

Oh, it's actually convincing me.

You're drinking less water because there's more room taken up by the bubbles.

That's not a thing.

Oh, if you have a pint of sparkling water, half a pint of that is bubbles.

That is not true.

It's air.

It's air.

There's loads of air in it.

Not that much.

Not half.

You kind of won me over with your

marathon analogy.

But the sportsman thing.

But now.

He didn't say the marathon, but Ed does talk about the marathon, the fact that he's done the marathon so much.

It does just feel like.

I thought it must be a marathon.

Right now, I think I'm right.

I think it quenches your thirst more.

And also, I can get normal water at home.

I've got that all in my tap.

Yeah.

There's loads of it.

That is true.

Loads of it.

Come out.

I want to treat myself.

Mainfully, I want to dig it.

So, hold on.

So, yours, because

both schools are, both arguments are confusing me.

So, yours is the bubbles go on your tongue and they zap it up.

Yep.

And you get more

first-quenches.

Yeah, so like, you know how your tongue goes dry?

Yeah.

It like zaps up all the dryness.

So it zaps it up with the bubbles.

Yep.

You can't zap up dryness.

If you zap anything, don't you tell me what I can and can't do.

If you zap anything up, you're making it more dry.

Look, I don't want you.

I haven't come to your restaurant to be told that I'm not allowed to zap up water with my body.

You can have what you like.

I just think if you're given reasons, you better make sure they're not mad.

Well, speaking of the genie, that's my way to go.

Yeah.

All right, fair enough.

The logic doesn't hang together in this place anyway.

Speaking of which,

you can say to Susie, don't sound mad.

You were saying a minute ago that bubbles take up room in the glass.

They do.

Of course, they do.

I don't think that's a thing.

Well, they're there, sure, but I don't think you get less water because there's bubbles in there.

Right, if you have a pint of still water and a pint of sparkling water, I think you have less water in the sparkling because there's bubbles in there.

This sounds like

a GCSE question.

Yeah, yeah, it does sound like a bit of a GCSE question.

But like, I got GCSE science, right?

Double award, bubble award, bubble award, I didn't, right?

I got double science.

Ah, yeah, the genes and the science.

Yeah.

And so what do you think about the bubble awards?

I'm not.

Obviously there's air in the bubbles.

Mm-hmm.

So there must be less water in the s uh the in the in the sparkling one because some of it's taking

by like a sip on the whole.

One sip would be all the bubbles.

Between a sip and a half a pint.

Yeah, it can't be that you lose out so much.

You can't lose out so much.

Yeah, all right.

Quenches your thirst more.

As long as we're agreed with that.

Because I think the reason why athletes don't drink it is because it would make them burp.

not because it doesn't quench their thirst.

Yeah,

I don't think it would quench their thirst either.

I do.

I reckon if you, you know, like if you're really thirsty, you have like a lemonade and it goes all in your mouth, it's

I think that really helps thirst.

You think that helps thirst, yeah, because it fizzes.

Yeah, I have a feeling we're never going to resolve this.

You're wrong.

We need an actual

survey.

We're going on feelings, I guess.

Yeah,

that's that.

We'll talk about our feelings, Ed.

Yeah.

We need to get a scientist on the podcast.

Benito, make a note of this.

We need to get a scientist as a guest in the future, and we need to ask them this.

Okay, cool.

Pop-doms on bread, Susie.

Pop-a-doms?

I'm liking how decisive you are.

Well, I think you're about to say that

pop-a dumbs make you less hungry than bread now.

Oh.

Don't assume to think, to know what I think about things.

I'm enjoying this episode very much because sometimes I'm the one who like, you know, locks horns with the guests, but it's very good to be able to sit here and watch Ed.

I'm going to give him him a dead leg.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, dead leg.

I love that hog with Susie.

Pop-adoms.

Shut your fucking mouth, just straight out.

Yeah, I love it.

It is poppadoms.

Because poppadoms for me

is just a way to get mint chutney into my face.

Yes.

And so, and they're the best things to do it on.

And when they're warm and they've just come out and there's sometimes like a little bit of oil still on them.

Oh,

you like the oil on them?

I don't mind a little bit of oil.

Right.

Interesting.

I'm on.

Because then you know that they've just come out of the colours.

They're fresh, yeah.

I don't know how they're cooked.

They've just come out of the, you know.

I guess.

I've never...

I guess.

I used to fry poppadoms

in the

kitchen when I was the mash king.

Yeah.

And I was the mash king for a while.

I made the best mash.

I was called the mash king.

And we would fry poppadoms in the fryer.

And once I was...

There's a guy who would come and deliver vegetables.

And he came in and he was waiting around in the kitchen.

And I got an order for some poppadoms.

So I put a poppadum in the fryer and it sizzled up and he heard it and he turned around and looked at it and then he pointed at me and went, Pop-adom soldier.

Like that to me.

That's what you did.

Amazing.

You were the poppadum soldier.

You said the mash king.

Yeah, I'm the mash to go.

So many titles in one restaurant.

I was a pop-a-dom soldier.

How have you never told anyone that?

I've told it before.

You've not told it to me.

I haven't told it to you, which is weird.

I'll tell you why I haven't told it to you.

When I first started started doing stand-up i tried to tell it on stage yeah well it's not a stand-up anecdote no so it didn't work so then i stopped telling it just to everybody but david trent always remembers it and david trent his main note to me so i'd always do that bit on stage and it wouldn't really get much yeah and david would say to me what you should do is you should add the line in the heart of the caribbean after it so you should say

in the heart of the caribbean and i was always like but popped up don't come from the caribbean he's like just say it just say that he said that whole line to you and back then i was very anti-lion on stage.

I was like, I can't lie.

But yeah, he would say Poppadum Soldier to me.

So we fried them.

And then I got called the Poppadum Soldier.

Delivery Man, yes.

So what you have in the

mint yogurt?

Yeah, mint yogurt.

The mango chutney.

Mango chutney.

Something a little bit spicy, one of the little spicy ones.

Because they're sort of a little bit different in lots of different restaurants, aren't they?

Something that's

got a bit of spice.

Spring joll pickle, there's the aubergine pickle, really good and spicy.

And I like the onions and tomato.

Yeah.

Very like that with a bit of the mint chutney on.

So you're mixing, you're mixing.

I'm mixing a lot of things.

I also, if I have a curry, which is not my main meal, but just for reference,

I also like to keep the mint yogurt

to put a little bit on the top of my curry.

Oh,

good curry hack, I think.

Yeah.

That's really good.

I like that.

Not many people, I mean,

it seems so obvious, but not many people do that.

Would you order a spicy curry then?

I would order a spicy-ish curry, yeah.

Sort of, um,

like I'd say, how's the bowl tea?

Does it have a bit of a kick to it?

And then in some places, they'll say, Oh, I can put a bit of a kick in, yeah, yeah, and then you're like, and then you wink at them and go, put a bit of kick in there for me.

And then they go to take the dip away and go, no, yeah, exactly.

Because you're putting a kick in it, yeah.

Please, no rice, pechwari, none.

Boom.

Wow.

Yes.

You know what?

We've got very similar curry orders.

Well, I go

no rice pechuari or no rice garlic, depending on how I'm feeling.

But love can build a bridge

between

your heart and mind.

I mean, it's not love, it's actually

an order.

A curry.

You two are Apollo opposite, so now you have to drink.

I have a cobra, but I make them leave it until it's flat, so I get more beer.

I will not continue with this.

Don't take the bait.

Don't take the bait.

I have a cobra, but I ask for a lemonade as well, and I make myself a cheeky little shandy.

Oh, well,

bubbles.

You're getting about two shots of liquid, then.

You're getting zapped.

You might as well be in the electric chair.

I've had all those drinks.

Your starter.

Could I please have some tuna sashimi?

Lovely.

You absolutely mad.

Absolutely, you can.

Is there a certain place you want me to get this tuna?

Yeah, if you could, if you could get it from

Sushi Samba.

Now, where's that?

I've not been.

It's in the

shard.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

There's a couple of.

Is it in the shard or the heron?

I think it might be in the heron.

I would find it very hard to say to the people, I want to go the sushi samba in the shard.

It's quite a tongue twister, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it isn't.

I would like the shashimi from the sushi shamba.

I would like the shashimi from the sushi samba in the shard.

Susie likes shashimi from the sushi.

Okay.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Do you know what?

I also think that I might change the restaurant, but carry on with this.

Yeah, but this is.

There's another restaurant that I really enjoy.

We might have to change the restaurant.

We'll all try and say this.

Okay.

We'll all try and say this.

So tuna.

So it's Susie likes sashimi from the sushi samba in the shard is the full sentence.

And that was not perfect, but I just, but like, Susie likes sashimi from the sushi.

Oh, fuck.

Susie likes sashimi from the sushi

from sushi samba in the shard.

Oh, it's hard, isn't it?

It is hard.

Susie likes sashimi from the sushi samba in the shard.

It's also in Heron Tower, so.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, but still.

I'm also just remembering that there's a place that does better tuna tashimi which is sexy fish you've got

see what I thought you'd done there is you'd panic because saying sushi samba sounds because it's a very sort of high-end like fancy London sort of place no no no don't mind that

she's she's worried that it doesn't sound authentic enough so what you think I'm gonna go yeah she panicks because

then you went with sexy fish I was like no she's gone all in which is a restaurant in Mayfair yeah where I went where I went for my birthday lunch with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago.

Amazing.

We're not people that have a lot of money, but I would say that going out to eat is like

our thing.

We've come up with it.

I don't even care about going to restaurants, but it's this little thing that Alice and I do.

And I think you might enjoy it.

Just trying to start a little thing.

I think it might really take off.

Really good tip for a thing.

Anyone else who ever goes out for a meal now with their partner will be like, oh, God, kind of treading on their turf.

Yeah.

That's kind of their thing.

If we're out for a meal, we should work out which one's Susie and which one's Alice.

The one with the short hair, Susie.

Ed, do you want to try and say the tongue twister?

Susie likes sashimi from the sushi shush.

That's so difficult.

Susie likes sashimi from the sushi samba in the shard.

Yeah, I love it.

Susie likes sashimi from the sushi sami.

Do I ever know we've got go at it, Susie?

Susie likes sashimi from the sushi samba in the shard.

Very close.

I'm not sure.

To slow that down.

Slow that down in post.

I actually want

it from Sexy Fish.

Yes.

Susie likes sashimi from Sexy Fish.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's an easy one.

Great restaurant.

I've not been to Sexy Fish.

Oh, it's lovely.

I remember Sexy Fish opening and a lot of the press was obviously about the fact it was called Sexy Fish.

Yes.

And I don't know what the food's like because I think it got a lot.

It's mermaids.

It got a lot of negative stuff at the time.

What, for the name?

For the name.

Yeah, well, I don't care about the name.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that.

But a restaurant, since then, a restaurant called Flavor Bastard has opened, which has taken a lot of the heat off sexy fish.

And, you know, Shape of Water won the Academy Award.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So if anything, is it themed?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's lovely.

It's, uh, it was, it are really, really good sushi.

And sushi is sort of quite a new thing for me.

I would say that maybe four years ago, I would have been like, oh, raw fish.

Yeah.

Absolutely not.

Because I didn't grow up with a very,

my mum and dad aren't adventurous with food.

Like, my dad has three three roast dinners a week.

Yeah.

That's incredible.

Whoa.

That's, I mean, that's awesome.

Yeah, three roast dinners a week.

How's he spacing these out?

Has he got certain days he has on one?

Yeah, sometimes.

Yeah, we'll say

he's like a hamster, he just fills up.

Yeah, yeah.

He just wakes up on a Sunday and goes, roast dinner day.

I would say that he'll, yeah, he'll probably have one like Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday or something like that.

Oh, amazing.

That's great because I think if you're not going to be adventurous and have the same thing, I think the choice of the roast dinner is inspired.

Yeah.

So he'll have like a roast dinner and then like another night he might have sausage and mash and then another night he might have like pie.

Yeah.

Does your dad live in a pub?

How dare you?

No, he doesn't.

But my mum is very, like, they're very much meat and two veg

as a family, which I know is also a thing for Willie.

But

you know what I mean.

But you know what I mean.

Still do what you meant, but you'll still

see how far you've strayed, Susie, from the meeting two veg.

I know, I know.

Mum and dad are livered.

But yeah, they're very much, and maybe like hammering chips one night.

I mean, what I'm saying is he has type 2 diabetes.

Who's that idea?

It's got to mess with soul.

Good guy.

But yeah, so I like, I didn't have pasta until I was like 19.

Yeah.

And so the idea of like raw fish, I thought, was utterly disgusting.

That's a big step.

Yeah.

And so in the last couple of years, I tried it in Australia.

Yeah, she's travelled.

And

it was, and people, I was with some people that were like, it's so great.

You've got to try, you've got to try.

And I liked it, but I was still like, oh, I don't like the texture.

I find textures of food can be something that I like.

For a long time, I didn't like an omelette because it feels like the inside of your mouth.

Wow.

Okay.

I've never heard that about an omelette.

Okay.

I'm now tongue in the inside of my mouth.

You all are, mate.

Everyone at home is.

Yeah, I often see that.

Do you know what I mean?

So I didn't like it.

So I found things very

feeling of sushi quite gross for quite a long time.

but now I've really got into it.

I love sushi.

And are you back on your own omelettes as well?

Look, I'll have one occasionally, but I wouldn't say it's not, it's not making it into the menu.

I've never thought about that, about an omelette, but it makes sense.

And my problem is I don't have those thoughts until other people say them, and then they get stuck in my head.

So next time I have an omelette, I'm going to think, that feels like the inside of my mouth.

Yeah, I think it's because I was eating one once and I bit the inside of my mouth quite hard.

Right.

And then I was like, well, I can't be trusted.

Yeah.

I can't be trusted with these sharp teeth.

So now, then it was soup for a year and now I'm on sushi.

Yeah.

That's the progression.

Yeah, normal people do that.

Why are you choosing

tuna over salmon or any other sales?

I just think tuna's the best.

Tuna is the best.

I agree with this.

Yep.

With

a fair bit of wasabi to give it a bit of a kick, some ginger and a little bit of soy sauce.

Nice.

Yeah, very nice.

In terms, I like tuna sashimi a lot, but it has to be quite a fatty tuna.

I don't, I don't, I wouldn't distinguish.

I wouldn't judge the fish like that.

I think I'd say that they're important.

I feel like tuna can be a little bland if it doesn't have a good amount of fat in it.

I feel like you can be a little bland when you've got it.

Susie, if this is going to happen every time I give you an opinion, then it's going to be a long record.

That was funny, though.

Oh, look, it's a long ways funny.

Absolutely on Susie's face as she said it.

Started laughing halfway through because she was so excited.

Yeah!

As soon as you said fatty, I thought I can get something in it.

Yeah, yeah, you can get it.

We've done roast fatty together.

This is just.

oh, yeah, you did do roast battle against each other, didn't you?

That's what this is about.

I'll tell you who would win roast battle as soon as you win roast battle though.

My dad's

the triple crown.

Yeah, so tuna's seen as more of the more meatier of the fish, isn't it?

So, like, I think that's why I kind of quite like it as well.

I think anyone who is always like scared of having

sushi because they think, oh, raw fish, try tuna.

Try the tuna one.

Yeah, because I think that salmon is quite fishy.

Yeah.

Salmon is quite fishy and softer in texture as well.

So it really feels like you're eating raw fish when you're salmon.

I do love salmon, but yeah, don't know.

I mean it's all delicious.

I'm starving now.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a great starter.

That sounds like a good one.

Good choice of a starter as well because it's...

I've got you both on side.

It's quite light as well.

Yeah, but tasty.

You could eat that and you could be satisfied, but also ready for still an absolute...

massive meal ahead.

Yeah.

How many slices do you get as sexy fish?

I think probably four.

Four slices, slices, that's great.

Lovely.

Also, this is a dream restaurant, so.

So all of I.

Do you want?

Yeah, if you want 15.

Double sexy.

If you want a double sexy, that's fine.

That's also my dragon.

Hey, you.

Driving in your car?

Working in your studio?

Getting your nails done?

Ooh, love that color.

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Your main course?

Yes.

I would like

a piece of steak fillet.

A piece of steak fillet?

Is that a funny way to say it?

Yep.

Fillet steak, I would have thought.

Okay, well.

A piece of steak fillet.

Is it like I'm

learning English as a foreign language?

Well, it's like you've translated it into French and then translated it back into English.

Yeah.

It's like you've done that.

Yeah.

The piece of steak fillet, yeah.

Okay, then.

I have a piece of steak fillet.

Yeah.

I'd like some dauphinois potatoes.

Oh, hold on now.

Hold on a second.

Whoa.

That comes together.

That's not my side.

It comes together.

Where have you had it?

The Hawksmoor.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, okay, I've got no problem with you doing this and saying that that's all part of the main because I like to hear about extra things.

Yeah.

But if you're ordering that at the Hawksmoor,

you're surely ordering the steak and then the side as a Dauphinoise.

You know the truth, Ed.

I know the truth.

But I'm willing to let you get away with it.

Jeannie, it sounds like it'd be a main meal somewhere.

All right, yeah, I'm happy with that.

Yeah, that you would get that.

Maybe on a Saturday afternoon, they'd do like a special.

Yeah, yeah.

In fact, I think they used to, they don't anymore, so there's no point looking it up, but they did used to do that.

Great.

Okay, good.

Good.

Yep.

Because you did, as soon as you said Hawksmall, I was like, uh-oh, we're in trouble because Ed knows that menu.

I'll find it.

Now,

can I have

a sauce counted as

How that's part of it.

Part of the peak.

No, that's your main.

Yeah, it's great.

So I'll have a peppercorn sauce.

Cool.

Peppercorn sauce.

How are we having the steak cooked?

I want it medium to well.

Not well done, but I don't like any pink.

Here we go.

Like a little bit of pink, I don't like any blood.

Here we go.

Release red egg.

Oh, Susie, what are you doing?

I'm having a lovely time.

There's a lot of...

No, I'd like a Phillip steak, please.

And if you could just remove all flavour from that, that would be wonderful.

Well, what I would say would be, I would like a piece of Phillips steak, please.

Yeah, yeah, I would like a piece of steak fillets, please.

And you wouldn't even have to get on to how you want it because they'd be like, well, if you're calling it a piece of steak fillet, we're assuming you're going to have it medium to well done.

No, it's going to be basically medium, but a little bit like I don't, I don't want any blood, and I don't want it too red on the inside.

I certainly don't want it cold on the inside.

No, not cold on the inside, absolutely not.

Susie, we got off to such a good start.

No, we didn't.

We were arguing.

This is the shitty.

I wasn't arguing.

You were longer.

Enjoying the back and forth.

You were a longer head, Ed.

Susie said she was a food head, and now she's ordered a Phillip steak, already the most tasteless of the steaks.

Okay, so you bit your tongue on that one event.

Philippium to well.

What are you doing?

This is...

I'm enjoying myself.

Are you...

Oh, right.

Good.

I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

Because that's the sort of thing a bodybuilder would eat before a workout.

Oh, that's true.

And did you ask me what I was doing after I went to this restaurant?

Yeah, yeah.

No, but I assume because you're having doafin was potatoes.

You're not going to the fucking gym.

Well, I am.

I need to work off those dopamine waste potatoes.

And I'll be using the steak as my fuel yeah chugging down fizzy water on the treadmill what's like why don't you want any penkin though why don't why do you not want any blood in the steak oh blood just oh

don't like blood no no because i need to remove the fact i need to remove from my head that it's an animal oh okay

here's what i think i think in a few years time because you're you're now you're eating sashimi now you've got you've got you're onto omelets you're onto sashimi i think in a few years time you're going to be coming back on this podcast and going i've had a revelation i'm eating a cow it's still alive it's mooing at me I can see I'm looking at in its eyes while I'm eating it oh yeah see that's the thing I can't think about so that's why it has to be no no blood no blood oh but you've got to stop lying to yourself as you can imagine Ann and Rolly Ruffle three roasts a week yeah they wouldn't go for red meat would they they're very they'll be very my dad would be well done steak he'd get a very wow he'd get like well done like he'd want it like grey all the way through yeah grey

yeah yeah a nice grey steak

I mean yeah growing up we used to go to the red lion in Wellham, Little Village Pub.

Shout.

Shout out to the Red Lion.

And we would all get steaks.

Because you can go to the Red Lion.

She'd have to have it.

Oh, yeah, go on.

The Grey Lion.

Grey Lion.

Yep.

Susie, how do you feel about that joke?

Didn't like it either.

Didn't like it.

No, not liking our humour.

No, for two of the most promising comedians in the country.

Promising?

Yeah.

Fucking hell, if I'm still promising, I may as well.

I said about ACAS, don't you?

To be fair, at the start of the podcast, we were promising.

We were fully accomplished comedians.

We're fine, fine.

Two of the greatest comedians

in the country.

We've quite deservedly gone down to promising because of our appalling hit rate of jokes.

It feels like a slur now.

I've heard it back.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't regret it, not one of them.

I completely see your point of view.

I agree, if anything.

I took it as a compliment, but then I thought I shouldn't.

Yeah.

But, yeah, red line in Wentworth, and I'd always get medium steak.

Okay.

I thought, yeah, I wouldn't want anything.

And then somebody told me, I'm very easily influenced by people who tell me this is the only way to have something.

Sure.

And I think I'm missing out.

I must be missing out.

When Ashton B's uncle told me that I absolutely should never mix anything with whiskey, I should always have whiskey on its own straight.

Yeah.

Like, I still have that in my head every time I'm having like anything whiskey, especially if it's a nice whiskey or anything.

I can't mix it with anything anymore.

And I just can't go back.

And somebody, I can't remember who it was, said, you have to have medium, rare, or rare.

You should absolutely not go back.

And then I've just never been able to go back.

And then, since, but since I've been having medium rare stakes, I'm like, this is this is the best.

Like, I want to cut into it like butter.

That's what I wanted.

Just

like one forward stroke and one backstroke on the knife, just

and it's and you threw it.

That's a big knife he's using, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a big old knife.

Was that big what I did just then?

Yeah, that was like he had a sword.

Oh, I wouldn't mind that.

Oh, Vegini, though, that makes sense, isn't it?

Yeah, it doesn't make sense.

Where would you keep the sword?

Just on your holster?

On my hip, yeah.

Yeah.

Just hanging down.

And one of those Aladdin swords that, like, you know, the curved ones.

Yeah, it's a scimitar.

Huh?

A scimitar?

What did you call me?

I also think this discussion of you saying you wanted it, yeah, you want it medium to well, which is fine because it's your choice.

Thank you.

I mean, yeah.

That is true.

Can we have a bit of that?

I think my initial reaction to that of, oh, God, why would you do that?

You've got to have blood in the stake, is probably represents my least favorite character trait in myself.

And if I hear this back, I'm going to be like, oh, God, Ed, shut up.

Yeah.

If Susie wants to be able to do that, that is what I'm doing

as well.

Sometimes this podcast can turn into Ed's therapy session.

Yeah.

We'll just hear, let's listen to what Ed doesn't like about himself.

Oh, man, I make myself so angry sometimes.

You're a promising comic?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're a promising comic.

I don't know, guys.

I wish I didn't say promising.

Dauphin Noise Potatoes.

Yes, please.

Absolutely incredible.

Lovely stuff.

And I'll be honest, if if you're having a steak medium to well, you're losing a lot of moisture, which you're gaining back in the Dauphinoirs.

You're mixing the Dauphin Noise and the steak together.

I can imagine that being a lovely bite.

Yep.

And also you put a little bit of peppercorn on the top.

I don't know.

I think you only need...

Here we go again.

I think you only need sauce with a steak if the steak itself is not up to scratch.

That's how I feel about it.

All you really should have is just a bit of maybe Dijon mustard.

I like whole grain.

Okay, a whole grain.

I'll take a whole grain.

Whole wear mustard's nice.

yeah, very nice.

Okay.

We spent ages once trying to think of the name for that, didn't we?

Did we?

I think we did.

Or maybe it wasn't you.

Yeah.

But me and someone else.

It's on your mustard podcast.

Me and someone else once had a chat and we were trying to remember.

That's why you always wear those jumpers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I did.

Oh, sorry, I'm dashing off to do my mustard podcast.

Don't tell Ed about it.

You'll get jealous.

Yeah, so me and someone else were trying to remember the name for whole grain mustard.

And we were like, we were literally saying, yo, it's got grains in it.

And it's like, we were like, it can't be called whole grain mustard you know it just sounded wrong we're like it can't be called whole grain that sounds so basic there's too many must mustard choices I think do you think there is when I was a child

and I need to preface this story with my dad is an excellent father when I was a child

my dad was having Coleman's mustard so like the bright yellow stuff with his dinner probably a roast yeah and I mean the odds are and I said to him I must have been about 10 I said to him what is that What does it taste like?

And he said, I'll give you 15 quid if you put some on your tongue.

Exactly what I'd do if I had a kid.

And

15 quid.

15 quid.

And he didn't think about the price of it.

He was just like, straight away, that's worth 15 quid.

But that's worth 15 quid.

So then he, like, wiped it on my tongue.

Wiped?

Amazing.

From his knife.

From a knife.

Wiping knife on your kid's tongue.

It wasn't a sharp one.

It wasn't a sharp one.

And I screamed and cried and mum and dad had a massive rail.

Yeah.

Well, naturally.

I would imagine

when we came in, what has happened?

I wiped my knife on her tongue.

15 quid.

I was playing her.

I was playing her.

But I still don't know.

You got the 15 quid, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you would fucking hope so.

Yeah.

If you didn't get paid after that, then that's, yeah.

That's great.

Give you 15 quid if he puts them on your tongue and then wiping his knife on your tongue.

Yeah.

And yeah.

He's a man of his word.

He is.

He wasn't messing around.

So he does too many mustard choices though.

Yeah.

And I don't like the yellow one.

And I think it probably dates back to that.

That is definitely why you don't like that.

I'm no psychiatrist, but I'll crack that one open.

Okay, brilliant.

There's the rosebud there.

You don't like that because

your dad wiped it on your tongue and he made you cry.

Yep.

Whole grain, I think it's an excellent choice.

Thank you.

I like Dijon in cooking.

I probably don't use it in much else.

I use it quite regularly.

I use it in salad dressings.

Oh, no.

Yeah, use a little bit in a salad dressing.

Do you ever use a bit of jam in a salad dressing?

No.

Hold on.

Okay, so if you've got like a goat's cheese.

Yeah.

So I'd do like maybe in the summer, sure.

I might be doing like a goat's cheese and bacon salad.

Oh, lovely, sure.

Because you know,

I like to treat myself right.

That's your quirky thirsty voice as well.

Yeah, maybe it is.

Quirky thirsty is another one of my great names.

Quirky, thirsty voice.

Also, the listener really can't appreciate how much Susie's using her shoulders to let you know.

No, no.

Imagine the 80s.

Imagine like this

shoulders back and forth.

Imagine dry ice in the 80s.

A little shimmy from the shoulders.

Yeah,

I'll do myself a little, yeah, a little goat's cheese and bacon number, sure.

And then I'll make a little dressing that will be bossamic, so just some olive and vinegar.

And then I'll just drop in just a little bit of jam.

Oh.

And then shake it up.

What type of jam?

Whatever you like.

Whatever's not going to be in the bottom.

Whatever you got in.

Yeah.

Whatever you've got in.

That's a good choice with goat's cheese and bacon.

All that salt, and you want a bit of salt.

You want a bit of sweet, yeah?

Like, I guess.

I think I had it in a restaurant, and I imagine they used like some sort of cranberry sauce.

Yes, but I didn't have cranberry in.

But you got jam.

I've always got German.

Jam it up.

I've always got some German.

You're German.

I never Bob Marley's song.

Yeah.

Pop Dom Soldier.

Yeah.

You jam him with your salad.

Yeah, yeah.

So now it's got quite intrigued as what your side dish is going to be, because you've already got some Deaf and Wares potatoes there.

Yep.

Which is very, very clever, because it means

most of the time people go for a potatoey thing for a side.

You've now, you've gone round that.

We like it when people hack the podcast rules.

Yeah.

Pretty smart.

Yeah.

I would like

some roasted broccoli with chili.

Oh, yeah.

I was really hoping you were going to go for like a green irony thing with that and that.

Well, because I'm going to the gym afterwards, really.

Yeah, of course.

You've got this big workout for the

bodybuilding competition coming up.

Yeah.

Is this based on a restaurant dish that you've had before?

No, that's just something that I like that I'll get anywhere.

Yeah, so I've had it in lots of different places, but a broccoli with a bit of chili.

So always chili for you.

Or garlic, but I'd prefer a bit of chili.

Yeah.

Garlic, I find gets a bit...

Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what I mean, though?

I know what you mean.

You know?

There's not really a word for it, but it's just a bit...

You go to what?

A bit like drying the mouth.

What What are you doing?

No, James, there's not words for it.

There's not words for it.

A bit garlicky sometimes, isn't it?

Do you know what I mean?

Sometimes they can be.

You know, like, I like a bit of garlic, but I don't want to, like, you know, I'm not trying to keep away a vampire.

I quite like it when they get the crispy garlic with the broccoli.

Yeah, yeah, that's not bad.

A little crispy.

Yeah.

But I like it if they do that with a bit of chili as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I roast garlic pretty

regularly, I'd say.

Just for the listener, Ed really furrowed his brow as he said that.

I just roast it in the clove, like just chuck it in with some roast vegetables or whatever for half an hour, even less than half an hour.

And then you can just pop it out of the clove.

And it's like, they're almost sweet.

They're just...

Oh.

I didn't know you did that.

I do that all the time, mate.

If I'm roasting sand veg.

No.

Turns out this is...

You don't know my secret garlic life.

No, popping out little cloves of garlic and eating them like sweets.

I'll pop them in my gob straight away.

Wow.

I love them.

What do you want because chocolate factory?

My friend Faye and I were once at a restaurant and this was years ago when I was quite new to olives.

Again, olives didn't get into olives until quite a lot later.

Faye, my friend, told me that if you have eight of them, you like them.

So I did.

I like them now.

And that's a hard

theory from Faye.

Hold on a second.

Faye told you if you have eight olives then you like olives.

Yeah.

And then so you ate eight in a row.

Not necessarily in a row, just like eight times of trying olives and then on the ninth time you're like, damn, this is good.

Oh, right.

So it's good.

You always come from the deep south.

Darium.

Darium, which is good.

So it's not that you sit there and you have eight in a row.

No.

And then you will like olives.

It's

eight occasions.

Different occasions.

And on the ninth occasion, you will like olives.

Yeah.

Okay.

Anyway, we were having olives.

I don't think I ever had a problem with olives.

Must have been maybe.

Yeah, but you grew up posh.

A very precocious posh child.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's not forget that.

Meaning.

Never forget that.

In Portsmouth, I didn't even know if they had olives in the 80s.

and 90s.

They were around in my house, but I didn't like'em.

I wasn't into them.

But like now I love'em.

Yeah, Yeah, love them.

But I was in one of those restaurants where they do like a spoonful of olives with like different bits, and maybe a bit of roasted tomato or like sundry tomato.

And

there was a clove of garlic, and I was quite new to olives.

And Faye said to me,

they're white olives, try them.

And it was

quite the liar on this occasion.

Wow, Faye pranked you hard.

She pranked me very hard, yeah.

But did you like the clove of garlic?

No, no, you did way too much.

It was too hard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you were doing that for many days.

Many days afterwards.

Yeah.

Faye the prankster.

Yep.

I think roasted broccoli.

So it's roasted with chili on it.

Yeah.

That's great.

And I like it a little bit burnt.

Yeah, and it's easy to do.

It's easy to overdo it.

I've tried roasting broccoli before, and because it's basically like popping a tree in the oven, right?

The little florets, they do burn

fairly quickly.

You know, you want to do it in tinfoil.

I beg your pardon.

You should.

Oh, you're covering it?

No, I'm putting it tinfoil on the tray.

Yeah.

Then, like, covering it for a little bit.

Yeah.

And then putting it up on the top bit

for the final sort of few minutes.

Oh, that's good.

See, I've just been bunging it in and not covering it.

But of course, you need to cover it to protect the little delicate treetops.

Yeah.

Right.

I will do that next time.

Thank you, Susie.

You're welcome, Ed.

Oh, friends again.

Once when I worked in the kitchen and I was the mash king and the poppin' on soldier,

I put a jack of potato in the microwave with tinfoil on it.

Oh, still.

And the head chef called me back to the, he said, come here,

you're trying to kill me.

And then I laughed because I thought, great joke.

Yeah.

But yeah, I kind of got quite the

abollicking.

I'm surprised you kept your job after that.

Abollicking when you're laughing at the top of it is really bad.

When you're covering, you've really got your guard down and you go, and then you have to quickly get a serious face on and like realize you're in big trouble.

We had a teacher who used to do that trick all the time.

So I remember him telling off my friend Barvek Patel once.

And he made him stay behind after class.

And then he went, well, Barvek, come here, tell me what all this was about.

This is a bit silly really to be talking throughout the class and he did it like that and barbick was like yeah sorry and then he would get barvic laughing and then he i remember this distinctly he went you think it's funny

barvick was so surprised yeah because he had a mobster for a teacher

joe pesci

uh two roasts rolly three roasts rolly my dad um he wasn't great at discipline when i was a kid mum would be like you need to tell them off Yeah, they're being really naughty.

And my dad would be like, Right, come here, and start sort of telling us off.

And I realised that I could get out of anything with my dad by saying, and this was from when I was about nine or ten:

one day you and I will really laugh about this sort of thing.

And then he just said to my mum, I can't do it.

I can't do it.

I'm just not going to discipline.

Let me give her a deadlift.

Such a great thing for a kid to say.

One day, me, you're going to look like it.

This will be funny.

You and I, we're not so different.

I can't shout at her.

I'll go get the mustard.

Yeah, yeah.

Put your tongue out.

Shout out.

Some money in it for you.

The drink.

Yes.

Now.

Was this an easy decision?

Yeah.

Oh, great.

You've got a favourite drink already?

Special brick?

No.

A Pinot Noir.

Pinot Noir.

I love a Pinot Noir.

Anyone saying Pinot Noir now makes me think of Kimmy Schmidt.

Yeah.

Yep.

Just that song.

Ed bought me a bottle of that.

That is available to buy the Titus Burgess Pinot Noir with a picture of him on the lake.

Is it?

Yes.

Yep.

Bought some for my birthday for me.

That's really good.

I really enjoyed drinking that.

I love it.

It's so, I mean, Pinot Noir in general,

that's one of the only wines where I can be like, I'll order a Pinot Noir and I know I'm probably going to like it.

Do you like the guy that plays Titus in...

I do like him.

Why?

Are you about to tell me something awful?

No, I'm not.

In this day and age, no, no, no, no, no.

Tom Allen and I are going to New York Pride.

Yes.

And we're going on a gay flight to New York Pride.

And there's a performance on there, and he is hosting it.

That's incredible.

Whoa.

Yeah, Tom and I got very drunk at the Attitude Awards and decided that we wanted to go to New York Pride.

And they were selling.

They were like, we've got 100 seats to sell.

And Tom like, we're not to.

That's incredible.

You don't need to be drunk to make that level of decision.

No, that's I would make that decision now.

Yeah.

A gay flight for a start, sure.

Sounds like it's going to be a lot.

Have you been in a gay flight before?

Well, I mean, if I'm there, they're always a bit gay.

Oh, yeah, you gotta, yeah, you gotta do you stand up before when they're doing all the safety announcements.

Yeah, I do them, but they do them all with a really camp risk.

Just so you know, uh, this is auto-officially a gay flight now, yeah.

Yeah, are you?

I mean, if there is an emergency, no one's gonna know where the exit are because you've you've done the wrist lately.

Yeah,

you thought I was heading down a very different uh,

I absolutely loved that.

I absolutely love it because

It's not promising anymore.

So one of the big comics that I've ever seen.

As soon as you said, don't know where the exits are,

both of you looked unsure.

So Susie was like, oh, hold on.

And you were like, uh-oh,

I sound like I'm going to do it all.

Especially like the level of jokes we've been doing so far.

Yeah, that sounded like it's not.

Like Susie was right to be so.

It was ripping off the back of Susie saying she was doing the

camp resting.

No, I've never been on a gay flight.

Are the pilots gay?

Yeah, yeah.

That's the thing that like all the pilots are gay all of the cabin crew are gay which i'm guessing wouldn't have been a hard thing to find sure sure sure yeah oh my god we need to we need to find a we need to find cabin crew that's gay we'll never do it we will

yeah no you wouldn't want a heteropilot nah no absolutely not i'm thinking there might be some loop-de-loops and stuff you know yeah hopefully

oh i'm thinking he's hosting

it yeah so what does that mean how'd you post a flight but there's just a picture of him dressed in cabin crew gear holding the um holding the phone microphone thing with like a little cheeky so i think he'll like do a couple of numbers but there's not a lot of performance space and that's what i'm really interested in is like how is how's he gonna how's he gonna use that space i think just him being there on the flight is i mean i think it'd be fun yeah he'll sing i reckon he'll sing surely

he's got a great voice

he was uh uh he was um he played sebastian the crab in the failed uh at broadway attempt at little mermaids did he

he was in uh guys

i thought that um Tom Alan and I have discussed this before on our podcast.

I thought for a long time that Sebastian was French.

And so whenever I would do his accent, and then I was like, oh, that is...

I don't know if I'm meant to do that sort of accent.

It's like, it's French, right?

No, it's not.

French crab.

Sebastian.

That is very cool.

Very, very jealous.

There you go.

But you would you like his Pinot Noir then?

Yeah, sure.

It'd be a talking point, wouldn't it?

When he he finished the number and like, you know, I want to come pally with him because I'm going to New York Pride for the weekend, probably want some cool gang to hang around with.

I'd say, by the way, love your wine.

Yeah, yeah,

so good.

Yeah, you can have the Titus Burgess Pinot Noir.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

What a performance by Team California.

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We come to your dessert.

Yep.

My favorite course.

Everyone knows that.

Yeah, everyone knows it.

I'm excited about it.

Okay, it's very specific.

It's my nan's lemon drizzle cake.

Lovely.

A classic?

A classic.

And how she would do it was she'd make a lemon.

She'd like to, I mean, I think that's how a lot of nans make it.

Yeah.

And other people.

You don't have to be a nun.

Yeah,

It helps if you're a nun.

Put a little bit of love in there.

Yeah, it really helps.

Old lady bony fingers.

That's what makes it nice.

That's what it must be what it is.

Old lady bony fingers.

Yeah.

Old lady.

Another articulation exercise for James.

Old lady on it.

No, okay.

I thought you were going to say that was another drag name.

Oh, sorry.

That is one of my favourite.

Yeah, your final dragon.

Yeah, my father dragged name.

Old lady, bony fingers, yeah.

Yeah.

She does a few numbers at the end of the night.

She'd make the sort of the sponge with with obviously lemons in and a bit of lemon rind and yum.

And then she'd make an icing with loads of lemons squeezed into it.

And then

when it was still hot, she'd put holes in the sponge, maybe about 10 holes in the sponge, and then pour it in.

And so it would go down the holes.

So like as you'd have a slice, there'd be...

a bit of icing in there.

Oh, that's great.

That's really great.

That's really good.

Yeah,

you've really nailed that.

That's my favourite cake.

Lemon drizzle cake.

And Jeannie, if you can get hold of that, I'll be really impressed because she's been dead for nearly two years.

This is a genie we're talking about.

Oh, yeah.

I can get hold of it.

Great.

I'll get hold of that lemon drizzle cake.

Get in touch with her.

Jane wants.

Yeah, yeah.

It's my dad's favourite cake as well, and I think that's why it's my favourite cake.

The colonel?

The colonel, yeah.

Susie calls my dad the colonel.

I've never met him.

Ed once did his voice on stage, and then he came off stage, and I was like, he showed like a colonel colonel or something.

He does sound like a colonel, your dad went on.

I've never met him, but when you do impressions of him, it...

The impression of him on stage is now so far from the actual truth of the man that when he sees it, he's genuinely going to be livid.

He'll be angry.

And he'll say, Why are you making that fun of me?

That's like my mum said to me, Sus, why do you do my voice like that?

And I was like, because that is your voice.

My dad loves lemon drizzle cake.

So I think when I was young and I found out that that was his favourite cake, sometime I think I just decided, well, that's also my favourite cake then.

And that that's just copy to dad on your favourite cake, while it will talk.

I copied my dad's favourite cake.

But when my mum makes it, I don't think she does icing over it.

I think it's just the clear, sugary.

You want to be icing.

Yeah, but that's a really nice idea.

So you get icing all the way through.

Oh, that's see, that's a nan's touch.

That's a nan's touch.

That's mum making mine.

A nun's touch, which is also another one of my trade.

So I'm a bit annoyed that like most places don't do that now.

Now you've said that, not never been anything I've thought of, like putting holes in the cake and the icing goes down, you get icing all the way through never thought about that and now you've said that lovely little touch isn't it very also keeps it very moist yeah you know what uh

so there's an episode of chef's table where it's about the uh person who did milk uh bar in yes in america i forgot her name now my mind's got blank anyway yeah She was saying about the cakes they make in Milk Bar.

And she was like, they just ice the top and they don't ice the sides.

And she did a long speech about how she thinks it's awful to ice the sides.

You can't, you know, you're covering up the whole cake.

And her dream is that one day no one will is the side.

And

I was sitting there going, Are you having a laugh?

Yeah.

Like, what are you talking about?

Like, you don't want people to ice the side.

You're not falling.

Like, every time I hear one of the chefs on chef's table speak, I'm one over.

I'm like, yep, they're right.

Yeah.

Of course, they're right.

It's like something people told me I should, you know, have a medium-resteak and stuff like that.

I'm like, oh, of course.

I've been living it up.

When she said, you should never ice the size of a cake, I'm like, I don't care who you are.

Who you think you are.

Yeah, if you tell me I can't ice,

you're you're living in a dream world.

Yeah, if you think that that's nicer just to have the top, I don't see what the logic behind that would be.

If the icing's good, more of that, please.

Yeah, more icing

because it's not like you get loads of icing anyway.

No, the reason why people like the corner piece of a cake, yeah, oh, yeah, like it's not people aren't going, oh, please give me a corner piece because they like right angles, it's because they like more icing.

Like, when I'm eating, say, right, your classic is the uh Pizza Express chocolate fudge, a hot chocolate fudge cake, sure, right?

When I'm eating that, you've obviously got the side and the top, which is covered in that thick icing, and the middle's got some of it as well.

But I eat it in order.

I eat it so.

The king's mouthful is the last bit.

Yeah,

the king's mouthful.

But it's both.

It's called the king's mouthful, right?

No.

I've never called it that.

No.

So, like, you know, when you have...

Oh, my friend made it up.

Yeah.

Well, either way, it's great.

Is it Faye again?

No, I don't.

I mean, yeah, let's say it's Faye.

Why not?

Well, when you.

So when you leave a little bit, actually, my girlfriend Alice and I realised that we, when we were out having dinner together, we realised we were both doing this.

But that's when I was like, well, maybe we should settle down.

With, say, my main course,

I would save a little bit of different one.

A little bit of mustard.

Yeah.

A little bit of, just a little bit of everything.

Yeah.

So your final mouthful

is like the best bit.

And that is

I would do that with a packet of like Starburst or fruit pastels.

or something like that sweets i would save one of each flavor to the end and then have them all at once so I can relate.

You're such a maverick.

Yeah.

I can relate to that.

Well, you're not just a maverick.

You're clearly about six.

Yeah.

He's looking at me like that Benito, but he always looks at me like I'm absolutely weirdo.

That's a normal thing to do.

As soon as you said about the king's mouthful,

I think it's weird.

Mine's a...

The jester's mouthful.

Why?

But also, how many fruit pastas are you going to go in at once?

That's going to be very chewy.

Yeah, it's pretty chewy, but it's great.

You get all the different flavours.

There's like five in it or something like like that.

Oh, no.

Do you know what?

I'll absolutely unsubscribe to that.

Do you not like that at all?

Yeah, at all.

Well, you know, it's King's Mouthful or just as mouthful.

Other people have got to do that.

Surely other people do that.

I thought my mum was more common than...

I mean, Susie's one got more take up than mine.

I can't believe this.

I was always told to eat the bits I didn't like first.

Yeah.

Yeah, but

as a child, right?

As a child.

Not now.

Not now.

No.

I always told, eat the bits you don't like first and then you've got all the nice bit left at the end.

Like, if you have a roast dinner, do you save the Yorkshire pudding to last?

No, because I don't like Yorkshire puddings controversially.

Yeah, this is a real big.

This is a, this really has driven a wedge between me and Ed over the years.

Uh, yeah, Ed doesn't like Yorkshire puddings.

Um, and I got I've already got a lot of heat on Twitter about it.

Yeah, and he deserves more.

If anything, he hasn't been given enough heat on Twitter.

I don't like it.

I think it's the equivalent of having an overcooked pancake on your roast dinner.

What planet are you living on?

Who's making it?

Like, have you just not had a good one?

No, I've had loads of, like, yeah, yeah, I've had what

you people might call a good Yorkshire pudding.

Oh, come on, mate.

I think

they're a bit tasty.

Yeah.

Been homophobic again?

Second time in one podcast?

Bad enough you're making the exit jokes.

I know what you homosexuals and your Yorkshire puddings are like.

Yeah.

What you might call the, you're what you might call a Yorkshire pudding.

Ed.

I don't want to be associated with you.

I mean Yorkshire pudding people, which apparently is about 98% of the UK.

What I like to do is fill it up with gravy.

Yeah.

Yeah, so what you like is gravy.

No.

Put some gravy in a mug.

Drink the gravy.

No, you drink the gravy.

I will drink the gravy.

Thank you very much.

Is this what your roast bat was like?

Yeah.

Yeah, a lot of edits had to be made.

You drink the gravy, no, you drink the gravy.

Back and forth for a while.

Just kept passing each other a mug.

Yeah.

They were like, who brought that mug of gravies?

I'd tune in and watch that, though.

If it was two people just going, you drink the gravy, no, you drink the gravy.

I just did that when that was the most.

I'd actually quite enjoy it.

Then your dad ran on.

Yeah,

50 quillie, whoever drinks a gravy.

I like it.

Oh, that's a lovely mess.

I'm going to read your order back to you now, Susie, to make sure that you're happy with it.

Please do.

God, this is the longest I've ever taken to order.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which was such fun.

Sparkling water to begin with.

To quench your first, small first quenching.

You'd like poppa dums as well with all the...

all the different dips.

You would like tuna shashimi from Sexy Fish.

Yes, please.

Your starter.

The main, you you would like a steak done medium to well.

I'm sorry, a piece of fillet steak.

A piece of steak fillet.

A piece of steak fillet, yes,

peppercorn sauce.

You would like that from Hawkes More.

Side, you would like the roasted broccoli with chili from anywhere, but a little bit burnt.

Maybe even cooked by your own hand.

So I think you seem to

trust that the most.

Pinot Noir, Titus Burger, Pinot Noir.

And the dessert, you would like your nans lemon drizzle cake.

Yes, please.

Sounds great to me.

I think it does sound good.

I mean, that hangs together very well as a menu.

Ed went on quite a roller coaster throughout that.

Yeah, gosh.

I think.

Yeah.

I feel like I've listened to it and been on it all at the same time.

Good.

And you know what?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

I think you're both promising comedians.

Thank you so much, Susie.

Doesn't mean a lot.

Doesn't mean a lot.

And yeah, I'm going to.

Can I use that as a quote?

They'll be like, who's that bird?

That is Susie Ruffle.

That is Susie Ruffle.

This is Susie Ruffle.

Susie likes Shashimi from the.

Here we go.

Let's finish it off by all doing it once each.

Yeah, all try and do it once each.

Susie likes Shashi from the Susie.

You called her Sushi.

The first thing you did was call Susie Sushi.

Okay.

Susie likes Sashimi from the Sushi Samba in the Shard.

Samba's the hardest one.

Susie likes Sushimi from the Susie Shamba in the shard.

You said Susie Samba.

Yeah.

Susie Samba, yeah, that's

that's zero for two so far.

Susie likes sashimi from the sushi samba in the shard.

I did it jumping.

It's impossible.

Try it yourself at home, but for now, thank you very much for coming into the dream restaurant, Susie.

It's lovely here.

Thanks for having me.

Tweet your videos to Susie of you trying the comfortable stuff.

Good menu.

Yummy.

Little bit of disagreement here and there about how you should cook a steak.

But she stood her ground and that's what I respect.

Yeah, I respected it as well.

Although I don't respect the steak cooking, so it sort of balances out.

But she didn't say celery at least, so she gets chucked out.

Thank god she didn't say.

If she'd said I'd like a well-cooked steak on top of the raw celery, see you later, Susie.

See you later, Susie, but she shouldn't say it.

Well done, Susie.

We've invented a new

tongue twister.

We have.

Susie likes sashimi from the salmon.

Okay, that's a tongue twister.

James can't do it.

Susie likes shashimi from the sushi samba in the shard, but I did a pause in between.

It didn't count.

Doesn't count, right?

There you go, leave it.

If you at home think you can do that tongue twister, film yourself doing it and tweet it to all of us and Susie Ruffle on Twitter, especially the Susie Ruffle.

And tag in at Off Menu Official, which is the Off Menu Twitter account.

Also, you can see Susie on tour and at the Edinburgh Festival.

Just visit her website for details, which is susieruffle.com.

Fantastic.

Go on the off-menu website, offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Yeah, there you go.

Also, like, we're on tour, I imagine,

and all sorts.

Watch Sweet Home Ketteringo on YouTube.

I always like promoting that one.

You should promote that one.

Not enough.

There's not enough hits on it.

Let's get the hits up on that bad boy.

Also on YouTube from Turtle Canyon who made Tweet Home Ketteringo is just puddings, which is me and Ed.

Well, me eating puddings and describing them to diabetic Ed Gamble.

It's a wonderful little pudding series of that's what you enjoy.

Do you ever get that where you don't know what you're going to say at the end of a sentence?

So you start singing, James.

Yeah.

Oh, and fans of this podcast know that that's what I do.

So, yeah.

Me too.

Thank you very much for listening to the Off-Menu podcast.

Make sure you subscribe.

Make sure you review.

Make sure you tell your friends.

And we'll see you again in the Dream Restaurant another time.

Have a lovely day.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut.

from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.