Ep 21: Dara O Briain

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Well, pull up a chair and tuck your napkin into your collar.

It's the Off Menu Podcast.

Oh, good to hear your voice again, Ed.

Everyone's missed it.

Oh, it's been nice to have a little break, hasn't it?

But lovely to come back and see you, James.

Yeah, exactly.

You know, we can't not eat forever.

I don't eat in between series.

Oh, that's that's not healthy.

Well, I've decided that's what I'm going to do.

Keeps me, keeps me wanting.

I eat only the meals from the podcast of series one.

Oh, right.

How's that been?

Oh, I'm very, very fat now.

You must be.

Because I've just been eating three course meals every day.

Drinking 27 cans of Stella at night.

Yeah.

Kerridge really.

Kerridge really fucked me over.

I've drinked so many stellars.

I've drinking so many stellas.

Did you hear that?

Oh, you guys, because you're hammered.

I've absolutely blasted you.

You can't be expected to learn how to speak.

I've drinking so many stellars.

But it's series two now, James.

We'll be adding another menu to your to your diet, won't we?

Finally.

Today, some someone will uh and who who the the person adding variety to my diet today is the wonderful Daro Brian oh oh

mock the weeks Daro Brian more like mock the food is that good is that a good pun yeah I think so don't look at Benito he doesn't know oh well it's got double vowels in it yeah but it doesn't I don't think it works mock the food doesn't work consonant vowel vowel consonant that's how it works I think that's a good pun

I don't think I don't think it's based on on that.

What?

Are you thinking of candor?

Eat the food.

Eat the food.

Eat the food.

Is a pun on Mock the Week.

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay, well, I'll take it.

Dara O'Breen from Mock the Week.

More like.

Eat the food, more like.

Okay, but you shouldn't have said more like again.

Huh?

Because I said more like.

But that was a double pun.

Because it's a pun the same.

It's a pun on more like.

Right.

Well, it's lovely to be back.

Dara was a great guest.

Our secret ingredient, if Dara says he will get kicked out of the restaurant, is what, James?

Cottage cheese.

James always says cottage cheese like that.

That's part of the reason he doesn't order it because he has to say it like that and he's been thrown out of many a cafe.

But

the main thing that we want to hear from Dara, we do not want to hear cottage cheese, but we do want to hear what his favorite ever, starter, main course, dessert, drink, and side dish are.

That's what we want to hear, and it better not contain cottage cheese.

I don't think it's going to contain cottage cheese.

Cottage cheese is disgusting.

It's like a little baby's been sick.

Oh, I absolutely hate it.

It's just like mainly water.

Yeah.

And then like just looks like...

Oh, just looks like it's kind of rolled off someone's body.

Do you know what I mean?

Not really, but it's a nice insight into how your brain looks like.

It's like someone's a human being's melted or something.

And it's rolled off of them.

Well, hopefully Dara will not mention a melted human being in his lovely meal.

You better not.

Oh, we've been sent some nice stuff from Drinks Biscuits.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't know.

My brain can't make sense of that.

What am I meant to drink?

The biscuits?

They're little biscuits, but they go with drinks, James.

You can have one with a gin and tonic, like one with a little wine or something, but that was very nice.

Thank you.

And also, we compared them with some lovely wines that we've been sent from Lathwaite's wines.

Oh, the world is really sorting us out.

We don't have to even think about what we eat anymore.

Mate, I'm absolutely loving this.

Keep it coming, I say.

Keep it.

We're encouraging it 100%.

But for now, this is the off-menu of Daro Brian.

You get the fly?

Yes.

Oh, good job.

We are joined in the dream restaurant by Daro Brian.

Hello.

Hello, how are you?

Very well.

Thank you for...

Thank you.

Oh, here he is.

Oh, my.

What was that?

And now it's dissipating and it's...

Welcome.

Oh,

James Aitcaster from an amazing effect.

Welcome along, Darla.

Thank you for responding to the properly.

Most people...

Exactly.

You're definitely.

I mean, if you're only listening to this at home, you're missing half the effect there.

It is amazing how much effort you put in to create the impression.

It's amazing.

A French whorehouse, because that is...

Yes.

Or is it just that I see the French?

Because that's my ideal restaurant.

Everyone sees a different thing.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

I see like a classic v in 1890s.

Yeah, you're just kind of giving yourself away though.

You're like when people like, then that politician tried to call another politician that was like, isn't it appropriate that on a Labour website you are recommending that people that there's hot horny girls in their area?

And then everyone was like, that's your algorithm.

That's

like you just say, oh, this is a whorehouse.

It's like, Dara.

It's just because of your eyes.

It was more the look I felt that you were aiming for, but maybe that sets off my food choices perfectly.

We don't know.

We don't know.

It's

a magical place.

No magic.

No snacks.

I'm now turning down.

No.

On appropriate.

Je join zoom podcast.

And your starter is a brothel soup.

Après le podcast.

We laugh.

The sophisticated laugh of a soldier returning from a war in the Crimea or something.

Don't you spoke such good French, Darl?

Oh, a bit.

Yeah, it's compulsory in our schools until they're 18.

Yeah, Lizzie.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

I probably spoke, did French until I was 18, but I couldn't tell you any.

Ashton B's done this podcast and absolutely fobbed us off.

She didn't do any French on it.

No, that's true.

Really?

Yeah.

Actually, she didn't speak any French, but she didn't speak any French.

She literally had to do French, by the way.

She was in the same schools as I was.

She had to do French.

Oh, she's not using it like you are.

Yeah, well, you know, she wasn't she doesn't do the scene setting in the same way.

I did listen to the Ashton B podcast, sure, in which she spoke at length about a meal that we all had.

I cannot remember.

But I've been in Lobster and Burger.

Yeah.

And I don't remember Ashton B going,

this is the best thing ever.

I don't want to sleep with any of you.

It's so it's such a oh, I'm so relieved not to have any there to be any sexual chemistry at all around the table.

Om nom nom nom yom yom yom.

And I seven Ari and I'm going, okay.

That's fine.

I'm glad you're settling scores at the top of the podcast.

Well, I'll get on to Oswald later.

No, no, I remember vague Patty's name, but I don't remember the specifics of.

Yeah.

We brought Ashley for a meal and it was the lobster she'd always wanted to eat because she...

there was no tension.

There was no sexual tension

and the three married men that she was with.

I confirmed there wasn't any,

because I was really working hard on Ireland at the time.

Your missus is in Ireland at the moment.

yeah, yeah,

I didn't, I didn't, I forgot that there was that crossover and that story was in there about Dara not being sexy enough for Ashley,

you know, just not, I look at no one, just despite the guys as sexy, I mean, just some sort of sure fob us off with Dennis.

I look forward to seeing what dish you've prepared as a like a comeback to her later on.

Yeah, yeah, beef, obviously.

Ever beef is beefy with Ashley.

Well,

you're very sexy in the restaurant right now.

Thank you.

Everyone's been saying so.

Oh, thank you.

But

they're French Rustiers in the 1890s.

That is literally what they were asked to do.

Oh, monsieur, you are very sexy.

Soldier returned from the Crimea.

You really are.

That's a good point.

I don't doubt.

I doubt they were.

But they said it to us when you weren't around.

Yeah, that's true.

We said you were coming in.

They were like, he's 60.

But obviously we don't see them as that.

We see

me and Ed see different things yeah yeah you see them as like i say robots don't you yeah yeah they're my genie robots yeah okay um and uh ed squirrels squirrels oh okay fine little squirrels

yeah it's pretty weird when they said you were sexy actually yeah i'm not happy with any of that please no uh are you a foodie dara um i like food i think i'm that's probably evident uh from a general manner and the way i carry myself i like them i like you know i enjoy

But I would have the same if I was kind of thinking about this in the way here because I felt I should give this a moment's thought.

Yes, thank you, thank you, we appreciate that.

But that it's in some ways, it's probably a bit like

if and when I go into a music podcast or do Desert Island disc or something or talk about something about my musical taste, I have a very broad

but very shallow, oh, I love Thai food, that dish, I love that dish of Thai.

Oh, I love,

you know, Mexico, I like that part of it, you know, so I'd like a lot of different things, but few of them.

I heard someone yesterday, I overheard someone say,

I love food.

Food is awesome.

I could eat all food.

Was it yourself?

Because

I could do the sort of thing.

It wasn't myself, but like it was someone that I just thought that none of that, none of what you said means anything.

Yeah.

And they were saying it like, you know, it was a group of people and they were trying to sound cool.

Oh, right.

It wasn't just like someone being enthusiastic.

It was like people about to go into like a meeting.

And she just met them all.

I was trying to sound a little cool.

I could eat all food.

As if food was her thing.

Yeah, I could eat all food.

I could eat all food.

Yeah, but people saying that like it's like music.

Of course, everybody likes music.

Yes.

A country's going, well, this Ireland, we say that in Ireland, oh, Ireland is unique for its, you know, laughter and music.

Everyone laughs, lads.

Everyone laughs.

And there's music everywhere.

Cavemen hit rocks.

There's music.

There's always been music.

And food equally.

Yeah, nom, nom, nom.

I would go back for, I'd go back for seconds, like food, but I'm not necessarily, well, I love what they've done with this.

I would go to a restaurant just to have 60 different flavors, you know, that thing where you come out of somewhere like the fat duck.

I've done the fat a couple of times, and you go,

oh, some chips would be just great now.

Because it's been like 40 courses of different flavors.

I totally appreciate that.

Yes.

But I'd also like to eat a meal.

You'd like to fill yourself up.

Yeah, there's an amdo.

I'm not like, I'm not saying that I'd sit dipping the chips into.

I'd take, take the headphones.

What I'm supposed to do?

Take the headphones off.

They're going, oh, I'm supposed to enjoy this cloud of foam.

Okay, I'll just put on some trips.

No, no, no, yeah.

Can I just take the iPod to McDonald's?

I've hacked the pod and I had to just put on Ace of Spades.

And I'm enjoying this more.

Did you have to do it?

Is that dishes where you have to put headphones in?

Yes, there is.

And the idea is it's a sounds of the sea.

So you hear seagulls and

trawler men arguing and the nets unraveling and that ding ding noise that ripples.

If you listen for too long, a body washes up on the beach.

Yeah.

And they go, oh my god, no.

Why?

Why?

Do you have to take them?

And

shingle and stuff.

And then you, and then while doing that, you eat a muscle.

Oh, right.

That's amazing.

And to be honest, it's a lovely bit of theatre.

It's a very,

I love the idea of that.

I'd be well on board with that.

Yeah.

You know, I would be.

Yeah, yeah, you'd like that.

But then, you know, I know your music tastes, you don't listen to sea music.

No,

I don't think you have to necessarily be in.

You're not like going, oh, yeah, that's some good seed music.

Yeah, it's not, it's not like a whale song.

Yeah,

what beach is this?

No, it's me.

You haven't heard of the beaches I'm listening to?

Yeah.

The obscure beaches.

It's more of a cove.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, you wouldn't know it.

You wouldn't know it.

Yeah, it's more stony, but yeah, you listen.

You like your sound.

Oh, I hate stone beaches so much.

I went on a stagfoot to Brighton, worst weekend of my life.

Why did you wind up on the beach?

What time of year was it?

Well, it was last year when the World Cup was on.

Oh, so summer, like, so young came from the house.

Yeah,

but they were like, they booked us kayaking,

and I just was on the verge of tears the whole time.

You got to like, my back was absolutely killing me.

I got no core strength at all.

I wanted to lay back.

There's nothing to lay back on.

Because you have to sit up in a really weird position while you're doing like...

something you've never done before.

Absolutely horrible.

And then at the end of it, you have to take your kayak back to the shop and walk barefoot across a pebble beach.

And I, the amount of times I nearly cried in front of little kids is embarrassing.

Oh man, I hated it so much.

And unfortunately, there was someone there recording for Heston Blumenthal's restaurant.

Yeah.

So that's

someone would be eating this and being like,

I wish I were dead.

I love Brighton in general, but that beach.

And it involves adopting a position, the one that you normally, like, we did filming, I remember once with some in Thailand or something, and they got to meet monks, and you're supposed to sit in that position.

And you know, I can't, I just physically can't.

I can't sit on the floor.

Like, yeah,

I went to Japan quite recently, and we did a couple of those meals in proper kaiseki, yeah, and it's impossible.

So, everyone else is standing up there cross-legged, and me sort of half-kneeling down and one leg or one leg, one leg is and the other leg has to be by necessity straight out 90 degrees, like in the groin

of a waiter who's going

really you're kind of insulting me here like you go i cannot do i can i can have to do both of them yeah i can do one of them really well and getting up is a whole other thing after sitting like that for an hour and a half there was a place i had where the kazakina in a rayakan or something and but there was a dip in the floor there was like a little hole yeah that's useful i like that cheat yeah i'm gonna put that in my house

are you yeah obviously i have a little hole in the floor i can sit and dangle my legs in while i'm eating my food are you in a flat or a house I'm in a flat.

Is it an upstairs flat?

Yeah, yeah, second floor.

I'm just teasing out a possible design floor with that.

That may.

I don't see what you're saying.

Yeah, I'm just thinking.

I don't see the possible floor.

There's a design floor with that design floor, unfortunately.

I don't think so.

So you're gonna.

The funny thing is, those legs belong to James A.

No,

they are.

They do, actually.

Oh, yeah, no, because they could see up into my flat.

I'll just do two little holes for my legs.

Yeah.

I'll sit there and dangling my feet into them, yeah.

Yeah, they uh you're gonna lose a lot, they won't tickle my feet, yeah, they're gonna they're gonna

lose a lot of socks, and it could tick on my feet though.

I don't put my shoes on when I do it,

otherwise, they'll tickle my feet when I'm eating.

Would they be happy?

I want if they tie my shoelaces together, would they have times where they'll go, oh, James is a lady back?

Uh, oh, yeah,

high heels come through the seat.

Yeah,

I could do that anytime I want them to think I've got a lady round,

put on my tights and high heels and put those through the holes, Yeah.

Dharma, would you like Sparkling or still water?

Stillwater for can, please.

Always still, heels and still.

Always still, I can't stand the taste of sparkling water.

I think it's a dreadful thing.

I think it's uh, yeah, yeah.

It is weirdly the thought experiment that we had when we were children when soda stream was popular in Ireland.

Sure, oh, yeah, sorry, when soda stream was aspired to in Ireland.

I never had soda stream, soda stream was something that the O'Connors had it,

and we would go around to the O'Connor.

My uncle had it, My uncle had soda stream, but no, I never had soda stream.

But whenever I'd go over there, I'd be like, first, straight through the door.

Yeah, take my shoes off, straight to the soda stream.

Fizzy Lime, please.

Fizzy Lime.

Fizzy Lime.

That was your one.

Yep.

I don't remember having enough to establish a pattern of what I wanted.

I do know that the thought experiment was, what would you do if you did it with water?

What would it taste like?

Yeah.

And then a massive industry swung in behind that notion.

I mean, I only idly mentioned that and then kick-started a whole thing that I now I think should apologise for.

So the the whole fizzy water thing was because I, as a seven-year-old,

mused on the what if, you know, tweeted in some form of early kind of you were running for office at the time, weren't you?

Yeah, you said it in one of your rallies.

Yeah, I did.

What if I said by the giant poser myself, and I said it as a ridiculous thing.

My opponent is the sort of person who would bubbleify the jackwater.

Yeah, that's how, that's how little he is, how much of an established elite he is.

Yeah, and uh that was a very my poppy's movement died out but that idea remained and then the major comfort no i think i think it's really i find it brackish a term i use all the time

i use all the time i feel like

you know well you know for if for example you were married to me it would have gone past the point of a joke about 14 years ago past two centuries ago brackish i'll go brackish and tart uh the two words i use that to the waiter every time yeah that is i find that brackish uh still please i find sparkling brackish brackish but i do you know it's not it's bitter it's a bitter it's a unpleasant yeah i never really go for it i think it's fine with a little with a wedge of lime again i think i just like fizzy lime a fizzy fine with a wedge of lime yeah okay

we will go for this phrase uh the insertion of fruit into a drink that the drink has not been designed with that fruit in mind right i object to this and i have objected to this i have done this we may mention other coda based drinks later as the thing goes on but this idea of like oh this is the thing you ordered but i've taken it on myself to put in a really strong flavor on that you didn't ever ask.

Okay.

Sounds like someone has never had a Jack Bauer and Coke.

I beg your pardon.

What's the Jack Bauer and Coke?

When I worked in a kitchen.

Oh, here we go.

I would get...

The Mash King.

This is before I was the Mash King.

Yeah.

Okay.

I was the Mash King at the next kitchen I worked at.

This is the first one.

After work, I'd always get a pint of Coca-Cola.

Coca-Cola?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Was that one of your funny jokes you used to make in the the kitchen?

Me and David Trent called it Coca-Cola.

Right, okay.

Always have done.

And then.

Stop, stop, Trenton, made Coca-Cola a thing.

It's not working.

But if it's stopped at you and Trent, it's definitely not working.

A lot of things I'll say on this podcast catch on.

Yeah, okay.

Coca-Cola is definitely now going to catch on.

Why isn't our Coca-Cola?

Is that too babyish?

Okay, you're right.

It was just the right amount of babyish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Coca-Cola.

I've infantilised it.

It's too far.

Yeah, yeah.

That was a bit silly.

But yeah, yeah, I would never say that.

But I would get a pint of Coca-Cola and I would always ask, so I hated ice in.

So you with fruit with drinks, I'm like it with ice.

I think it's a false commodity.

I think the conniness, it just waters down your drink.

I don't like having ice colours.

It cools your drink.

Are you happy with the process by which it cools your drink?

Nah,

it's not a fair swap.

It's not a trade-off.

I don't like the trade-off.

You get a cooler drink, but it gets watered down.

No, thank you.

And so you don't get as much of the drink in there because the ice takes away.

Oh, no, no, listen.

Listen, we all register that is one of the great scams, I think, which is a glass filled at the top with ice and then a small jet of cola.

And I have

gone, Coley.

I have gone.

I'm sorry, sir.

This is a quality restaurant.

Take this Kohli back and send me a fuller Kohli.

Or when I have gone.

It's a notion it's brackish that you do that to me.

Or when they sell you the tiny bottles, the 20 centilitre bottles, and that's your £3.50 words of Koli.

I am not doing this.

And I will stamp and I will scream in my high chair until you give me the proper...

I find that complete ripoff.

So what I would do instead

was, and to be fair, I guess in a way, this is also just filling up a glass, but I would literally get them to put as much of the sliced up fruit in the glass as they could.

So just loads of lemon, orange and lime is what we had at this pub.

And they would just fill it with that and then put the Coca-Cola all over that.

And then I would just let it sit for a bit.

So all the fruit, like a punch, seeped into the Coca-Cola and I would drink it.

And a few people in the pub saw me doing this and started copying me.

And there's about four of us used to do this after work.

And then when I was not around, one of them named it a Jack Bower and Coke.

Now, there was no reason why it was called a Jack Bower and Coke at the time.

A few of them were just watching 24 quite a lot.

And so they called it that.

I was not happy with the name.

No, no.

Especially because I was the one who invented it and then I didn't get to name it.

Yeah.

And then they named it something that I wasn't even watching myself.

But that is what it's called.

It's a Jack Bower and Coke.

That sounds like a terrible drink.

It doesn't sound a good drink, it doesn't.

It was nice at the time.

What was the name of it?

Why did it add a note to it?

So fruity.

Such a delicious diet.

Now, Coca-Cola, they're doing it all the time.

They're releasing stuff that's like, oh, peach flavour, and all these different flavours.

They put them in lemon and all that.

This is natural fruit flavours.

This is what they're going for when they do it, and they never achieve it because they get all the artificial flavours.

This is natural fruit in the cocoa cup.

We're not seeming like you know, like pressure with this, but I like the flavour of well,

the diet ones now more than the original, yeah, definitely with syrupy now.

The uh, I do, but I've got a lot of flack on that, yeah,

for saying that, really, yeah, yeah.

I find, yeah, people get really angry, they do, they do, they get angry.

They should just start if you feel it rising in you as any of us speak, just check it.

Just take a moment and go, it's a big universe.

Spit the pips and feel the taste of things being varied.

It is.

But

dark, I just like the taste of it.

And so my life is a constant struggle of finding a spare implement and

not just the scooping out of it.

Yes.

Because sometimes it's buried under an iceberg when you've got to take some of the ice out to get the thing to get the bit of lime out.

But then you're left with, now i'm holding a piece of lime a dripping piece of lime

at the table and like am i supposed to just put onto the onto the cloths what this has a really good potential for a spotted in heat magazine

holding a little weight of lime of the week hostarobreen digging around for a for a bit of lime and then holding it whilst it drips onto the table some some barman did i did

added me into a thing where i said i had that at starbreen in there complaining about the lemon or the

drink like yeah you put another flavor in like and it's a really strong flavor.

It's like, oh, that's a nice drink.

Maybe like some ketchup in it.

No, I don't want you to add another.

I order because I like this flavor.

Good idea, though, for new pubs.

Do you want to put ketchup in the Coca-Cola?

Yeah.

Okay.

Dharma started it.

Is that

Tony Soprano and Coke?

Yeah.

Tony Soprano and Coke.

Pop loves on bread, Dharma.

Oh, geez.

Pop loves on bread.

God, you pick your moment.

Even when you know it's happening.

Even when you was fully aware that this is going going to happen at some stage.

I mean, it's not even initiates, Brett.

But,

oh, wow.

That is

surprisingly aggressive.

I don't think it comes across as aggressive on the podcast.

Yeah, well, people have never experienced it in person.

In the podcast, I'll listen to it and think, yeah.

Yeah.

That's been pretty funny.

Also, it has gotten more aggressive.

Yeah, I can't really.

I still have to be raising it now.

There are certain people that I know have listened to.

You gave away early daughters in this podcast.

You listened to Ashen's episode.

I was like, he's going to know it's coming.

I've got to make sure, pick my moment, get talking about Coca-Cola.

Very distracting.

Yeah.

I mean, it had to be between here and the, I mean, this is the order of it.

I mean, this is the format.

Yeah.

But still,

it was a very aggressive one.

It was a very aggressive one, I think.

The answer,

after I've been startled and recovered my composure, and by the way, am I still holding a piece of lime?

You are for the whole meal, I'm afraid.

That doesn't seem like a dream wrestling.

And it never dries.

Yeah, and it's just the wettest wedge.

even when it does dry they come over and top it up

so

your land has dried and they give you another one of it

they've got a little like just cotton bud with water and they just sort of base baser on top of it yeah it's nice standing there with a bit pooling uh underneath under the best yeah

so yes bread bread absolutely bread pom dums fine in place but like i wouldn't you know they're there if they're there and they're they're such a condoue for chutney.

They're just,

I mean, all the words for those, yeah, like it's condwe, yeah, but they are there, they're good because no one will go, well, I'll have a bit of pop-up now.

It is just the it's a chutney fork, it is a large break it break out your own size chutney fork, chutney, the red one, and that other sort of yoggety milky one.

That's what is that?

Is it uh, it's just mint mint yogurt.

Oh, fine, good.

Then I back my own decision to use over Different thing, you know.

Let's just go back a little bit.

It's pronounced condoue.

Is it genuine?

That's how it's pronounced.

Conduit, yeah.

The word.

You were only saying it for a laugh.

No, no, it's condouille.

Okay.

Yeah.

Driver, yeah, to drive.

Okay.

I've been saying conduit.

I say conduit as well.

Conduit, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, listen.

Actually, I'm like, sorry, maybe people do.

No, I.

No, but I wouldn't look.

Look around, Dara.

Where are we?

You say condoue, so all the ladies understand what you mean.

I don't know that.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my lord.

I wasn't challenging you audio.

I was just like, in the past, I've been burnt on this show by, you know, saying blimmies and stuff.

Yeah,

instead of bleenies.

Yeah, okay.

James had been saying blimmies.

I've got a few of those.

Oh, I've got a very good one.

I just forgot one of those.

I only found out last week.

Oh, no.

Do we ever found out on knock?

Yeah.

Gillette.

Oh, yeah.

I've been saying Gillette for some time.

That's probably, yeah.

But apparently, I've been a fool.

But I've ran ladies.

And now the ladies are all wearing galets.

Because that clearly is what I'd like.

My granddad was very good for those.

He's from Northern Ireland.

And instead of Peugeot, he used to say Puget, even though he was told time and time again that it was not a Peugeot.

It was Peugeot, not Puget.

Was it Peugeot, we said as well in Ireland?

Puget, he would say.

Okay, that's maybe wrong.

And I mean, it rarely came up, but

femme fatale was femme fatale.

That does come up very rarely.

Oh, it does.

It's used in context where it's a bit like the Coke-Cole.

Femi Fatale ruins it.

Like at the end of

Tropical 198, like Malice or one of these films, or that one

with Kathleen Turner

and

William Hurt, which is always...

Body Heat.

Right.

At the end, she goes, well, I guess I'm just that Femi Fatale.

What is courtroom dramas?

Jagged Edge or whatever.

Are you Femi Fatale?

Yeah.

I don't think it hasn't gone unnoticed that you just try to score points of your lineage.

Really, really slid that under the door, man, didn't he?

There is if you've got a green card,

play it with me.

He did it straight away.

In this current, I don't know when this is going out, post-Brexit or pre-Brexit.

Sure, at some point, it's going to be very different post-Brexit this show, isn't it?

Yeah, so fruit, remember, fruit,

remember vegetables?

They were great.

Remember, non, non-British apples.

Oh, my God.

Well, what's quite good about this podcast is people send us food for free now.

So all we're doing is stockpiling.

We are

a couple of little things.

There's like a big bag of pumpadums.

That's why I'd imagine scribbles because they help us store all the food up.

In a little song.

In the trick.

Bread, by the way, totally bread.

Is there a certain bread?

Yeah, do you know what the one that if I was if this is the dream?

Those ones that come as a little loaf.

like called a crispy loaf white obviously like our fools here um and but a little crispy loaf and you can can take a little like a quarter of the loaf, yeah, and take that apart.

That's quite a lot the one in Ratatouille that she squeezes.

There's a bit in Ratatouille where uh, the uh, the lady that he makes friends with at the restaurant and she just says that bread is all about the sound, and she squeezes this bread and it sounds amazing.

It's the best sound in bread.

There he goes,

like the 1890s.

This can do the 1890s theme, like a

gaimler car horn

to alert the man walking in front of the flag.

Butter, Tara.

Yeah, is there butter?

I'll have to take salted or unsalted.

I'm all right.

Go on, come to the little round ramekin dish.

That'd be great.

Yeah, tell us more about the dish for you.

Yeah, I feel that's part of the experience.

And not that I have to slice it away in layers and then apply the layer to the bread and take another slice.

I'd like it to be now for a while so they can just move smoothly.

I would also, though, go for the

dippy oil and vinaigrette thing.

You want to go for both?

Yeah, what the hell?

Yeah, you can.

You can have both of them.

I'm doubling up on all of the slots.

So spread on the butter and then dip in the oil and vaccinate.

No, no, I wouldn't in that.

I'd take one and then one day I might do the butter.

And also, if there's a tap and ad, like a bit of olive tap and audio or something, you know what I mean?

I mean, while we're doing this, let's spend everything on this, like whatever.

A couple of taponads would be great.

I think this is the first mention of taponade.

This is the first tap and ad mention.

I'm not really sure what we're talking about.

Oh, it's just like olives crushed up, little things.

It's like

it's a a spread a meteor oh like a spreadsheet meteor like a spread with a bit of veg stuff in it but the yeah but that's a bit like you spread it like but it's often mixed with butter i think uh and uh and so it's a straight onto the bread and oh i've never had this before it sounds delicious sounds quite a bit it's very i think it really does yeah yeah it's only like a hummus or something like that like whatever it's very grown it's a very grown-up taste okay When did you first have a tapanard then?

God, within the last, I don't know, 10 years.

Was it on offer?

I don't know.

I don't remember going, hmm, this will change everything.

remember this day, darling.

Remember the day we discovered Tapanan.

Yeah, I do know that the oil and vinaigrette thing really thundered into our lives around about 2002, 2003.

I remember because I just moved over to London and suddenly everyone was doing it.

And I sort of was, well, here in the London,

are you all doing this now?

I've been driving in London, like all the lights, you're spinning around in the middle of Oxford Circles, and then suddenly there's oil and vinegar.

Everywhere, everywhere.

Jets are coming out of it.

All over, all over the statue in Piccadilly.

All over.

Eros is just splattered with vinegar and vinaigrette and oil.

It was an awful situation.

It's watching for the fat burger now.

Yes,

it's a historical remnant of that one sequence.

Yeah.

When it all went to oil and vinaigrette.

Yeah,

it's a game of ratios that it is.

It is an exciting thing to have to break through one layer to get to the other layer.

It's like a liquid cream egg.

You have to get to one egg to get to the yumminess, that's like kicky yumminess of the thing of the vinegar underneath but if it's too much of one then it's just all you've done you've just you've just created you've created a maltrop cocktail you've created like the swaddling for a bomb that's what you've created an oily an oily mass um and now you got that that in your hand and like the lime in the other like it's chaffinard that's a write-off now you can't go anywhere near that well you can't i mean these are all have to apply to different parts which is why you want the mini loaf that has the whole yeah

you want to tear it up yeah cream eggs yeah uh their whole campaign of how do you eat yours and stuff like that.

Remember that?

I do remember it, yeah.

Yeah.

When there's only have you ever seen anyone eat a cream egg in any way but one.

Well, I mean, that's not.

You know the top off and then you lick the middle arrows and then you eat the rest of it.

Well, actually, maybe it's different.

I can tell you, what is the other way of doing it?

They just bite into it and then you.

Oh, really?

That's what I would do.

Yeah, just munch away at it.

No, you ask the squirrels, right?

You know.

Like, little, like, tiny.

No, you know away until you create.

You know the top off.

Oh dear.

Okay, until you create a hole large enough to insert your tongue.

To lick the whole thing to lick the whole middle out.

All the middle out.

And then you eat the shovel.

That's absolutely the way you do it.

I just think that's a very

liberal use of the word you.

Yeah.

Oh, okay, right.

Mars bars, right?

Mars bars, right.

Shove them on your ass?

No.

What do you do with it?

It's just eating.

You eat the coffee layer off, then you fold it over to create a Milky Way.

All right, so cream eggs, yeah, that's what you do.

You know them and you look out the middle.

Well, you don't, but I mean, you isn't the you should say I.

One does that.

That's what I do.

One does that.

That's what I does.

Sensible consideration.

One.

Yeah, one as in one person.

Yeah, one person in the world.

But you just the whole art in one.

No, not the whole.

No, I don't think you're pulling your mouth and then

punch yourself in the jaw to create an explosion.

Just like the top top off.

Maybe another bite at the side.

Just bite it.

Eat it like an apple.

It's a cream egg.

I know what you throw away the middle.

No, don't throw away the middle, to be fair.

Yeah.

David Trent, coming back to David Trent yet again.

Once he gave his son.

He's called them creamy eggies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he gave his son a chocolate orange for Christmas.

And he said he never had a chocolate orange before.

And he just sat there and ate it like an apple.

We get it.

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What would you like for your starter, Darv?

The starter, I find starters

I find the starter menu to be quite an appealing one.

It's a wonder that

it's never kicked off the all-starters thing, unless you call it chap-based, and then fine, grand.

But there was one in Middlesbrough, starters-only restaurant, which was next door to the cinema that did 241 Wednesday.

And we went in to see some dreadful touring in Middlesbrough about the loom of fate and

Angelina Jolie

wanted a series of international assassins

and then came out and the place is packed because it was 241 Wednesday and it was all the students that came out for 241 Wednesday.

That was a very popular thing.

It turned out that initiative.

Yeah,

surprising.

Next door there was a starters-only restaurant

where you can just order your wings and your, you know,

Fritovisto or whatever.

That's all they had.

And I thought, that must be genius, but actually, it's never really worth it.

It's not taken off as a thing.

Whereas I happily, yeah, I think they're a glorious thing.

But like I mean, there's loads I like.

The one I would go for if it was on the thing, just because I was the philosophy I took was, okay, if I was just there and I happened to see this, I had it in Vietnam once,

and which brings up ideas.

Oh my God, was it an exotic mixture of spices?

It was in a French restaurant in Vietnam, and it was

chowder.

Yeah.

Creamy fish chowder in a bread bowl.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

And a bread bowl, it just makes it.

With a hat, with a hat even had a lid.

Oh, it was still slightly off.

Joe, I had the best chowder I've ever had.

Belfast.

Really?

Yeah.

In

whatever hotel it was I was staying.

I can't remember what the hotel was, but it did this amazing chowder.

I was there for three days and I had it twice.

That's how good the chowder was.

Absolutely delicious.

Loved it.

Things that Belfast does very, very well.

Belfast does, got into old pop-up restaurants a little bit later and does things very well.

Belfast, Boujums in Belfast does the best burrito in the world.

Bar, maybe Mexico.

Mexico, perhaps.

But in this part of the world, because they do a thing that nobody else thinks to do, which is you go along the line,

and then at the end, they do a thing.

They do a little

shaky, shaky thing.

So all the flavors mix.

They shake the burrito.

They shake the burrito.

This seems like, why has nobody done this?

You shake the burrito, and therefore you mix the flavours.

And it's not like you're eating a burrito.

And burritos are great because they really, like, I like them as a mathematician, because you get a strong sense of exactly what the volume of food you're eating.

It is H

multiplied by 2 pi or

that is exactly what you're doing.

I've eaten.

Yeah, Peyor's credit, actually.

Sorry.

So you totally know the volume of food.

I will eat this cube of food and I've eaten this.

But when you bite into it, somebody's like, oh, I seem to be, again, going mainly through

rice for a while.

Oh, now I've hit the...

And so that sounds what's a green god, maybe

guacamole.

I'm now entering the guacamole and not like in a fun Verouka salt chewing the

thing.

Oh,

now now having soup.

It's lovely to go down my throat.

It's like, I gotta get somewhere in here this chicken and I'm gonna get to the chicken.

So much is about things you get to to get to the thing you want to eat.

Yeah, sort of a trifle.

But Boojum's genius, shaking, shaking, shaking, shaking, shaking.

It's just a case of like flipping the mattress a bit, flipping the, you know,

knocking the balance that it's sitting on, giving it a couple of goes, and then all the flavour, and then every bite.

So, hold up, but they're not shaking.

This is before they've wrapped the burrito up.

Before they wrapped the burrito up, it's open.

So I had an image that they'd wrapped the burrito up.

I can't shake it up a cocktail.

Yeah, like,

how is that even better?

They do the tricks, they're throwing it in the air.

That'd be if they could do that, like, and then roll it down one arm after the other.

Yeah, but no, they do a little thing, and then

you go, you are a genius.

That is good.

Because I prefer burrito bowls, just naked burritos.

Oh, really?

So you can mix it up.

You can mix it all in.

And I find I don't get as full as I get with a normal burrito afterwards.

I can't deal with a burrito.

That is basically a nap for me.

That is a really good

solid arrival of yeah just everything in there pi r squared times h amount of food yeah it's just kind of me i i think i think a lovely thing and also you can even pick and choose weird weirdly i had one the other day in uh norway in an airport in norway in bude airport or drumso airport in northern norwich i was doing gigs up there and the guy said oh we don't have a burrito and then he went the other way along the line What?

He went the other way.

He said, would you like some,

I've forgotten the name of that thing again.

it's green guacamole.

And I said, Yes, so he smears that onto the bread first, whoa, then smears a salsa on, gives the option of sour cream, which I skipped because it's white and cold, and that's what it generally looks like.

Uh, right, and then worked his way backwards to the meat, right?

And so, the second, and there was no rice, which is a bit of a flaw, but the uh, but the uh, he got to the beans.

He said, I said, Well, some beans, this is great, what beans have you got?

Expecting to say pinto and

black beans, black beans, pinto beans, right?

And he goes, Baked beans, and it literally was just Heinz baked beans, right?

And I had two things fighting.

First was my urge to be in some way culturally correct.

And so we know

it has to be made, but was shouted down by a voice going, you love Heinz baked beans.

Like you're very happy to have Heinz baked beans at any with any meal you'll have Heinz baked beans.

So just have the Heinz baked beans.

You're not obliged to force him to then go, all right, we'll get you some pinto beans.

Yeah, but it was like, so yeah, baked beans,

it was grand, it was fine.

It sounds like a really weird breed, it was no rice, no rice, but baked beans,

but Heinz baked beans, yeah.

And then he broke some nachos in for crispiness.

Oh, that's good, though.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it was just a

look, it worked, it was very pleasant breed.

It wasn't as quite as uh heavy.

I think without rice and baked beans, was it not too saucy?

I just imagine you taking one bite and it just flopping over and just loads of baked beans.

But he had

a little heavy in the salsa.

Like when you make them yourself and you lift it up, and you have to make that little nappy at the bottom for it, you know, and fold the line.

It is actually quite a traditional nappy shape.

Fold over, fold the legs in.

Are you happy there now?

And then you eat it because it all pools at the bottom.

Yeah.

Sorry, so anyway, it's about this chowder, though.

Chowder and a bread bowl.

Chowder's lovely.

Chowder's gorgeous.

Chowder's the finest thing.

What fish is in the chowder?

I think you can vary it.

I believe there was

broadly, there'll always be some chunky white fish.

Depending where you are, you see the part of the world.

And some prawns.

That's enough.

You've got two tons of fish, maybe three.

It's relatively enough.

Not too heavy on the corn for me, the uh, but tons of cream, you know, and things.

Yeah,

see,

there was a festival in Kinselle that only ran for one year, um, the Kinselle Comedy Festival.

And we all went down to this comedy festival, and it was a total disaster, it hadn't been on for us, so nobody's at any of the shows.

I mean, two of the shows got pulled, which is a total result because all we were doing was going from seafood restaurant to seafood restaurant and eating chowder,

chowder festival.

Uh, the outstanding addition to it was we were queuing up for chips late one night, and there was a thing, like a round ball of something in batter, and there's a guy ordering it and we were going, what is that?

Like, and it's a potato in batter.

Yeah, just for the full battered potato.

Battered potato for the full

carb thing late at night.

What kind of a potato?

Was it like a jacket potato?

A roasted potato?

Do you know what?

I don't think it's roasted.

I don't think you'd like roast thing in oil and then put the batter and then put more oil on.

I presume it's a boil.

It could be just a large boiled potato, but yeah.

And would you have that with chips?

Yeah, he did.

He had

battered potatoes with chips.

That is absolutely amazing.

Yeah.

So I'm not saying all of that.

We weren't going to chuck around any stereotypes, but that is a correct.

We'll get to potatoes.

We'll get to potatoes.

Yeah.

But anyway, chowders, I think chowder is a fine thing.

I can name great chowders I've had.

Legendary places that do just you.

Do you eat the bowl?

Sorry, not tradition, but yeah, in this situation.

Specifically, yes, with the bread.

Yeah, you do.

Yeah, you do.

You break off and dip, break off and dip, and you, and you work your way down the bowl, I think.

Darv's already had bread, and now you're having a bread bowl.

Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, this is a fancy restaurant in which I can do whatever I want.

Absolutely.

There we go.

There we go.

There's no judgment there.

No, no, no, just need.

Oh, yeah, it's like the 1890s process.

They're going to say,

carbohydrate.

Carbohydrate.

I mean, just

don't want to get ahead of ourselves.

But would you like all of the crockery tonight to be made of bread?

I can sort that out.

if not then i need to eat through the the whole everything that i want there be nothing left uh by the end well we could do it you could make the table out of bread oh

everything has the bloom and i would do

yeah he would do everything apart from the bowl made of bread yeah why don't you put me in a tea bowl in in bread for the meal put the bread in through and i'll slowly eat my way out yeah

and then i emerge at the end like a reverse cream egg i'll emerge out of the pinhole at the top and i'll I'm still holding a little lime as you as you go

on the funnel your way out with the bread

form

so so yeah so that was I remember being absolutely but it is it's just it's a combination of a couple of other things the um but the dipping in

yeah yeah the creaminess of it oh god very very chowder is very underrated and I think most people forget about it so I'm glad that it's been brought up in this podcast because I always forget how much I love chowder and then when it's on a menu

it's like, you know, sometimes you're at a disco or something.

Okay, at a disco.

And you're looking at me as if I go to a disco.

You're always.

Am I?

Oh, yeah, good point, actually.

I love a disco.

It's like the best songs are the ones that you absolutely love, but you forgot about.

Yeah.

And they play on me, you're like, oh, yeah.

That's what chowder is.

So that's what, if you see chowder on a menu, you go like, tune!

Yeah!

I did not go.

Grabbing the person you're with and screaming in their face.

Do you remember chowder?

Do you remember Chowda?

Say it, Frenchie?

Yeah, that's what it always reminds me of as soon as you said Chowda.

Oh, Chowda.

Chowda.

Chowda, yeah, I know.

And we come on to your main course.

My main course, yeah.

What was it about?

Well, see, I went around the house a bit on this one going, what do you, you know, how fancy this has to go, what I think, but honestly, it'll be meat.

Yeah.

Meat off the bone.

I was thematically Meat that is falling off the bone, broadly speaking.

So like a ribeye,

like a...

Not every meat I eat is as carnivorous as this, but I'm here.

I'm here now.

And or the ribs.

Very good ribs.

Very good ribs falling off the bone.

Wet rub rather than dry rub, I think.

That is emerging delightfully.

Football sauce.

Yes.

The whole thing.

But actually, lamb.

Lamb.

Oh, yes.

Lamb shank.

Yeah.

That's the ultimate falling off the bone.

Isn't it?

Isn't it?

You read that with it with a proper bone in the middle.

And actually, I've had it in Indian.

Indian Lamb Shank is fantastic.

There's a couple of places to do that.

And it's bones.

If I see that, if they have Gujarati or something like that, Gujarati, Lamb and Shank,

it's like one of those visual effects where all the other letters, like a

credit sequence, all the other letters like powder away.

Like the end of that big movie that appeared last year that we still can't spoil, I presume.

Oh, yeah.

All the other characters on the thing just go to dust.

And I just, that, that now, that is the thing.

That's absolutely.

But I once we filmed years ago, I think I'll three men in a boat.

And the very end of the very first episode was Griff Reese Jones was on an island somewhere preparing a meal, whereas myself and Rory.

And the contrivance was that we found a pub and we decided to stay there rather than go back to the island.

And surprising amount of people for years felt we genuinely had left Griff on his own on an island when there's obviously like a camera crew and everything.

And I'm still entirely sure that Griff this has been explained to Griff.

So they got an honest reaction off him, but we were all the time going, Well, they're not going to leave him or we stay here.

And it's grand.

But what Seala did for me is I saw them carrying Lamb shank through the restaurant,

an order of Lamb shank, and it came with two shanks.

Oh,

double shankage.

You actually get to be, you could, you could mind being all of that part of the sheep.

You could do the thing, whatever.

So lamb,

we've done lamb in the past at home where you just lash in the the oven for eight hours and a really low heat

and glaze it up actually usually with like a balsamic glaze and it just comes off the bum beautifully.

Every time I have lamb shank, I'm surprised by how like moist it is.

Oh, yeah.

And delicious.

I don't think I've ever had a bad one.

It's just like, yeah, living in Britain,

growing up with dry lamb.

I'm going to say that.

Dry what?

All the lamb in my childhood was dry.

I don't think I liked lamb.

For years I thought, I don't like lamb.

It's the worst of all the meats.

And then I went to New Zealand and everyone was like lamb is the best what what are you doing gave me some lamb yep and it was amazing where you are i've been living in the dark

well were you eating lamb chops and like lamb there was kind of weird on the cutlet like you know where there's like a tiny bit of a tiny bit of lamb on the end of a stick and that's like a lamb lollipop that you get one bite off

and you and those and it doesn't matter how many they put onto the plate yeah you're gonna have the lamb cutlets yeah there'll be there could be 19 of them in the plate plate, normally, there's three, which is a ludicrously small amount.

Well, that's I went to Tayab's recently, the uh, the um, I think it's Pakistani restaurant.

It's very famous, it's in uh Whitechapel, and they're famous for their lamb chops.

And uh, it was with my girlfriend, and I was like, We'll get three orders of lamb chops.

She was like, That's ridiculous.

And I was like, Just you wait, because there's only there's only a couple of bites on each one because they're mainly they're like little lamby pops.

Yeah, and it's you just go through a whole plate of them, they're absolutely delicious, but they are like you just

it's like someone's someone's had a go at them before they've arrived

and you always end up in a really good just going no this this this is there's something in this

this this thin strip of meat on the other side of the bone that's that's you're supposed to have that as well like people really going crazy on the on the lobster going no i think i think like if i say i have a good feeling that i have

there's been a bit of lobster i've not been told about and all these years i've left it behind sure

yeah there's a hidden

an easter egg yeah uh of lobster that if you don't sorry have you not been all this time you've not been eating the lobster

you've been eating just lobster brain that's all brain there right brain and fingernail you've been eating

huge dick

I mean we never say it because it seems crap but that's we that's what we said it's a lobster

stick in the ocean

I mean it's a yellow season butter sauce we do like the brain thing was just like a you know we have that kind of we made it for the soup.

The bisque.

We do some bisque with the brain with a cock.

Lobster cock is what you're so.

Oh, top of somewhat of the meal.

What are you doing?

What's the matter with you?

You got a cream aggregate.

Yeah, but with the lamb trap, I do go.

Really?

And I'm gnawing at it like an animal.

I don't know.

The shank, you get a lot of bang for your butt with a shank.

You do?

And the shank is 360 degrees.

Yeah.

Like you go, hello, hello, ladies.

Let's lower this, like, much like a Dover Soul or something.

You go, I'm finished.

I'm not.

I'm back in this again.

As soon as it's your dream restaurant, we can present it for you if you like on a rotating plate, like a constantly rotating plate.

Made of bread, don't worry.

So, you can

no, I like it.

I like it, you know.

You like the surprise of the surprise of my work, okay?

Well, well, well, I think we meet again.

You check your feed and account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Your side dish, Dara.

Yeah, again, you can do all sorts of, and actually the side dish I'm picking isn't necessarily the best to go with this.

I think this goes best with, you know, with, you know, rice and sauce.

Or mash and gravy is usually very good.

But I would like, just to go on the record, that the side dish should always be, in all meals, chips.

Should always be.

No matter what the meal, no matter what the thing is, chips.

And I mean chips, chips, chip, proper chips.

I'm eliminating.

Well, when you say proper chips, I mean potato that's been dipped in oil and culture, right?

Rather than fries, rather than there was an ad that ran for years for spry crisp and dry.

And it had a reframe was basically, some like them,

some like them that, some like them, and some like them, but we all like our chips crisp and dry.

No, we don't, we don't.

All like our chips crisp and dry.

We like chips like you get from a chip shop, where if you hold it one end, it does bend slightly under its own weight.

Yeah,

or with the skin still on, and in areas that it feels definitely like you have taken a potato, put it to like a crook machine, and then fried that thing up, like whether rather than it being some sort of process of the, yeah, no, it's it's so proper.

And I, um, or and oven chips get on my

rectangular shape, you can tell it's an oven chip like a friend.

Oven chips are awful, they're awful, they're an abominable.

And if you go into a place and you or and that's what you get, it's like the

and no, no, I ordered, I had a really strong image in my head of what I was going to get.

And then this came out.

And this is not, no, this is not the thing.

So, chip shop chips, really?

You weren't sugar chips, yeah,

chip shops, yeah, like a chip shop.

Was there a particular chip shop growing up?

There was a number of them, all the chip shops in Ireland are run by Italians because that is their cuisine.

And they came to Ireland and thought, well, we should introduce

battered fish and chips to the Irish.

Like they're all, they were called Muscones,

Capra, oh God, what was the other one in Bray?

And they're all from Italian families and yeah, they're all chip chop chips.

I know a guy who got banned from one of them for going,

how are you, Tony?

Tony's the mouth behind the counter, chips in one bag, grease in the other.

And

was told to leave.

Chip chop chips in Ireland.

We have a different curry sauce as well in Ireland, which is a less kind of probably fruity curry sauce than you have here.

And then there's the usual kind of, you know, and then there's obviously the potato and batter, which is a very specific thing.

But they, but proper chip-chop chips, I don't think there's anything.

I mean, there's a phrase that Kate Moss said once:

nothing tastes as great as being

skinny feels.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lots of chips, too.

Lots of chips.

There's lots of things that taste better than that.

Yeah.

And I've been, you know, I've lost some times I've lost weight, and it's going to sell good, but yeah, but it's come back because it didn't feel as good as we could.

What would you like to drink, Dara?

See, I would have replaced the water at the front with a diet or a Coke Zero.

And yeah, to be honest, because often

the water will go untouched and I'll do the Coke Zero throughout the meal.

But with this meal, I would like that wine.

You know, that wine.

That wine that you had when

and you thought, oh, wow.

Oh, yeah, I really like wine.

This is the wine.

And that wine that you then chase

forever.

I would like to finally meet that wine again

because I have had that one a few times, enough times, so that I own a lot of wine because I think one of these wines in one of these bottles.

It must be.

Yeah, and they would find me in front of like a huge wine cupboard that some says just pulling cork.

They go,

no,

smash.

But another one.

No, where is it?

Where is the wine that I had that time?

Where is the Chateau de Guard?

You're trying to find a golden ticket.

Yeah, that I had that one time.

Because I've had occasionally just a stunning bottle of wine.

Yes.

That's really going well.

Red.

It'll be red for this because it's a

whatever.

And I've, and I've, I can even express preferences in terms of grape and area and region, whatever the scans of the

number of preferences.

But yet,

there's no, you know, there's no.

And

I've got my writing wine.

Right, okay.

My writing wines.

And then I've got, you know, their writing ones are quite different either to drinkers or to

the ones either wines.

I don't know if you write with wine.

No, but I love this.

I love that they do.

I imagine you put some spectacles on and get a glass of wine.

Well, I put spectacles on because I need to wear spectacles.

That is the thing.

You've not seen them publicly, but they only, like, I mean, pretty pretentious wearing glasses, in my opinion.

We've just increased the font size on the audio queue, but eventually that will run out and I will have to unleash my glasses.

I only got glasses in the last year,

and I have, for some reason, stumbled on wireframe glasses, which are either Swedish architect or Nazi bad guy in Raids of the Lost Ark.

Somewhere between those two.

Yeah.

And, but no,

there's a mirrorless Rubicon, which is South African wine, which is my choice of

writing wine.

So expensive, you know, and by two glasses in, the stuff is kind of flowing.

And then on the fourth glass, I'm just

so happy with how good it was an hour earlier.

And God, I used to be so funny then.

And the fifth glass is like, I really should, I've really got nothing good happening here.

So I find, because I don't know if you're like, there's only a small window of useful time when you're writing stuff.

I think,

yeah, creatively, you can create for a couple of hours really usefully.

So I time that with wine.

Yeah, you have a little treat alongside it.

And I think that, you know, because then you have to react off something as well if you're sitting on your own, just to knock yourself slightly off your axis with a little bit of, you know, get a little bit of a buzz and then

try that i honestly recommend it it's a great thing and for that you've seen my next show is going

that you don't you don't perform it drunk the uh but it just for the well if you write it if you write it drunk i think you're gonna have to have performing wine as well yeah yeah

performing wine performing wine

level of complex even i didn't think to bring to it but the uh but there are and i've and i've bought like i mean i've bought really nice wines and i have them sitting at home and thinking whatever and then i've opened them and we're going no okay but it's like yeah but there's a there's a lot more.

I'll be honest enough to admit, there's a lot more.

This is fine.

Yeah, yeah.

As a ratio to when is when can I please have the one that one time where it all we can, you've come to the right place.

I've got in touch with the podcast and offered wine tastings.

And so I have a feeling, Dara, you're going to get offered a wine tasting off the back of this.

You know, honestly, if there was a really good

broadly Pinot Noir, particularly Burgundy, maybe finer wines at the Bordeaux, but actually

Valpolicello or the Barola regions of Italy.

I'm more than happy to further my tiny knowledge.

I found as I got to the age of about 40

that I was very happy to stop being an expert on things in any way or to pretend to be an expert on things and discover things that were totally new to me that I, well, no,

but that I was very happy to admit to I only know a bit about this.

Therefore, I'm not going to fight any corners on this, like whatever.

So, you know, to know a little bit about jazz or a a little bit about fine wine or a little bit about the classical movies or whatever, and yet be free of any kind of obligation to that certainty you have in your 20s where you go, no, this is the best.

This band, if you don't like this band, you're wrong about this because this band, I think.

That is quite nice to get to the point where you just go, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

Literally, no.

I realize after 20 years, nobody wins this battle.

There is no victor.

There's no wreath, laurel wreath handed out for you to be the best at this so yeah let's try that wine

let's drink a couple of glasses of that i even have a thing called um caravan caravan was a christmas gift caravan is a wine extraction system right oh oh yeah yeah the why it's it's basically a hypodermic needle on the end of what looks like a corkscrew thing.

Okay.

You take the wine that you want to try, you wine that's been sitting in your house for 10 years because you got it as a present at your wedding, and it's never been enough times with like, shall we open one of the wedding wines or the other wine, you know, because you just collect these things people give you gifts or whatever yeah so you sit and go that's too good to drink just to drink uh so you end up with like the number of these bottles that you're gonna go when is there going to be a time good enough to mark an occasion uh this thing you just push it in through the cork right and it's got an argon gas container at the end of it like whatever and you press it but a few times and the argon goes into the bottle it pushes wine out argon is a non-reactive gas so the wine doesn't age as if you'd open the wine you take a glass out of it or two and then you pull the thing out and when you pull the syringe out the cork closes under its own pressure and reseals the bottle what did i just hear that's a really good way of drinking wine and no one noticing it's exceptionally good for that yeah it is very very good without having to top it up with like yes lucas aid or something or whatever you'd say that to a hotel yeah you could go through the menu surely notice if your hand was resting gently on the on the whatever their margot that they left out at the demonstration you're just slowly pushing an invisible thing to you.

They all know about things.

Does it also work with Coca-Cola?

It does know about Coca-Cola.

Coca-Cola is the most precious and rare of all things.

It has to be drunk there and then.

I want one, Ed.

Write that down.

You want me to write down that you want one of those?

Yes.

All right.

That brings us to the dessert.

Oh, yeah.

My favourite course.

Ed's a starter boy.

I'm a dessert lad.

I think I'm more of a starter boy.

yeah but the uh and again it's kind of going around this for a while i like the i'm gonna go for the one it's very traditional very traditional but there's a 50-50 chance it'll be wrong okay 50 50 seems that and it's often not indicated or it's incorrectly indicated and i love one version of it and i loathe the other version of it wow okay yeah trying to guess what this is before it's even been said but it's quite hard to there are the reason it's 50 50 wrong is there are two ways of making it yes there's a hot way and a cold way oh and you don't like the cold way because you don't like cold thing incorrect actually in this oh

i like the cold way both of them it's always served it's always served a cold yeah but there's a cold prepared one and there's a baked version of it

oh bonito's got it bonito's got it what is it bonito cheesecake it is totally cheesecake

it's absolutely cheesecake that's hot cheesecake baked cheesecake there's two ways oh baked oil well they don't serve it to you hot no because that'd be that'd be insane That is what it is.

But like the

New York style

is

you make the mix, you bake the mix, and then you cool it in the fridge afterwards.

And what that does is it kind of does a different thing with the sugars, I suppose, but also traps air and it's kind of puffier, fluffier, and it's acrid and rank and the worst thing in the world.

It's just too, it's again, we're back to the car, it's too, oh, it's too much,

too much sweetness, and it's all fluffy and it's really.

Whereas the, you know, more, let's call it gelatinous one, the the more kind of like Philadelphia mixed in with the kind of acrid nice a lemony tang and sour source slightly sour and then and then it's kind of a and it gets closer to say like the creme brulee type thing like we're not to to a gel kind of thing rather than what's the what's the raster mugger gel

I don't like I don't like cakes

yeah I don't like cake that's totally the wrong but I don't like cakes yeah per se like the uh but I do

don't like cakes yeah I can do I'll do a cake but I'll you know yeah I don't like that big puffy like Victoria Sponge type thing I'll go out of my way for it But the uh, but that

with the Raspberry Coolie, yes, in this situation, all bets are off.

See, now we live in upside-downsy worlds, right?

Cold, coolie, not necessarily ice cream or cream, because I think that that's it.

You've got that covered in the cake, right?

Yeah, have you sure?

Biscuity base, obviously, is vital to it.

Raspberry whisket base.

Yeah, but it was

base, base, base.

He is tired of that.

We do one thing with them and go eight bits and they seem not to find it as endlessly charming, as everyone else did.

But yeah, that, the cold and Christmas of the lemon and that, like the and the

citrus, a citrusy flavour?

Citrusy flavor, yeah, exactly.

I mean, the finest one was that my sister used to.

Well, if you want to up the citrus, don't forget you're holding a bit of wet lime.

Oh my god, it's been in my hand all along.

If I just put this over here,

twist.

It was there all along.

And it was, why is he holding it?

No one knows why he's holding it.

It's like

the juice.

I can squeeze it all in.

It's all kind of the holes and just give it a tie.

Except it was lime in this.

And I'm doing good to this, but that's key lime pie, which is a different thing.

Oh, yeah, never crossed the citrus stream.

Never, ever.

Let me bring those two things together.

You can't possibly combine lemon and lime.

No, that's unheard of.

Eating two open fruits at the same time and watching your head explode.

Your name's not Fido Dido, is it?

That's a bang-on reference for the generation of the Americans.

So, yeah, but a really nice one of those.

And I've been in places that actually have advertised it as, it's on the menu as New York style cheesecake.

And I've I know to order because I know they're wrong.

Oh, yeah, there's one in Dublin, a lovely pizza restaurant in Dublin called Gotham City, and at the end of it, and the guy goes,

uh, cheesecake?

And we're gonna, Darryl, you know, you're gonna have the cheesecake.

Shall we just stop dancing this dance?

That we do.

Yeah, much like the 1890s, prostitutes are always saying to me, but yeah,

and shall I just give you the uh, the uh cheesecake?

But that is not that's totally not.

It's the it's the cold, it's the cold baked one, but it's very difficult.

And waiters, you go, is it baked or cold?

And they go, well, it's cold because it's arriving cold.

And you're going, no, no.

No, you don't.

You don't know what you do.

You don't know what you're on about, man.

It's just ridiculous.

You're wasting my time here.

Lift the table, lift the bread table up, throw it all over the place.

Yes, go on.

So entire rest of the, for example, the thing in the market activity is House of Cheesecake or whatever it's called, that chain.

The Cheesecake Factory?

Cheesecake Factory.

That's it.

That factory should be ripped down, should be flattened, it should be turned into a park that children will play in because because it is, it's all baked.

Yeah, I believe we've talked about cheesecake factory before in this podcast.

Cheesecake's quite a popular dessert, I think.

This might be the third time.

Oh, really?

At least the second.

Joel had cheesecake, definitely.

I think that wasn't going to save him.

I ignored the controversial Joel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's for the best.

I need your order back to you, Dara.

Yes, do, please.

Check.

You would like some still water.

You would like some

cooks here, really, to be honest.

Yeah, well, I mean, I don't like it.

It wasn't an effort, it wasn't the question.

You would like some white bread, crispy loaf, with some butter, already soft, and some oil and vinegar, and some pepper narrows.

Yeah, goes cookies.

You'll start you like chowder in a bread bowl, like the one you had in Vietnam.

Yeah.

And you'll make you would like a lamb shank.

You didn't actually specify where you wanted the lamb shank from, but.

There's a restaurant in...

Actually, I'm going to go for the Indian Lamb shank.

because that's a particularly good

way of doing it and I've had in a few different places.

The one what's it called?

Gaylord, I think it's called the restaurant, just that's oh, yeah, it's quite near here, yeah.

Yeah, oh, yeah, just in London, yeah.

I'll just pop over, yeah, yeah.

Uh, side would like some chip-shop chips.

Um, you haven't specified a chippy, but uh, you sort of have a chip.

Yeah, let's go for

you pick any Italian name, and there'll be a chip-shop name after it.

Um, Mario's uh, yep, there's a Mario's at Moscone's, um, there's one called

Antren.

Oh, do you know what?

Warriors, no, from Picante in Broughton Street in Edinburgh.

Oh, Cafe Picante, the one that has a DJ in it, the one with a DJ, yeah, the one with with the DJ, yeah.

Uh, you would like that wine as your drink.

Oh, that wine.

And dessert, you would like a citrusy cheesecake with some raspberry coolie.

Yeah, uh, not prepared, not baked, not baked, and I would throw the entire meal back at you with baked chicken.

Oh, that sounds delicious.

And also, I'd like to eliminate all baked cheesecake so I'd never make a mistake again.

You like to put them into Ring 101?

Yeah, because I'm not part of this formula as well.

Yeah, why not?

Yeah, that's in the restaurant.

Yeah, there's a Ring 101 in the restaurant as well.

We incorporate that.

We incorporate all the panel shows that are in this restaurant somewhere.

Okay, fuck grand.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because Brexit is able to cake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so it's in there somewhere.

It's just a corridor full of panel shows.

Yeah.

Well, thank you so much for coming, Dara.

It's been an absolute delight.

Thank you.

It's been a pleasure to be in your restaurant.

I think it's like its business model is a total disaster.

Your inventory elements alone, your stock.

How are you keeping it going in this kind of way?

The costume, the gas, you know, the whole thing.

How are you keeping nine 18, 90s French prostitutes constantly and

fragrantly to the back of the room with fellow members of Napoleon's army.

It's been a delight.

Thank you.

What a lovely meal.

Delicious meal.

I'd not thought about lamb shanks in a while, and now I really want a lamb shank.

The lamb shank and the chowder, they were really, yeah, they caught me off guard.

Very filling homely meal, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Be up for them anytime.

Oh, you're big.

You've got to suck the bone.

I'm just going to say that.

Suck the bone.

Hashtag.

Hashtag suck the bone.

Yeah.

Might already be a hashtag for a different industry.

No cottage cheese, so that's good.

Thank the lord.

A little bit of extra info for the listener, though, off the air.

I punched him anyway.

Yeah.

I just did it anyway.

I was looking forward to punching him so much, even though I like him.

Yeah.

Wonderful guy, giving me many opportunities in the industry.

Really great guy, but we've all got to get punched now and again.

I got myself amped up to punch him, so I had to do it.

You had to stand on a chair to do it as well, didn't you?

I had to stand on a chair, and he didn't know what I was doing.

He's like, Why are you standing up there?

You stay still.

Yeah.

And I bopped him.

You bopped him one right on right on his kisser.

Run on the kisser.

Well, thank you so much, Dara, for coming on, and thank you so much for being a good sport about being punched in the face afterwards.

If you like the sound of Dara and you'd like to explore more of his work, just turn on the television.

Yes.

Just put it on.

He'll be on it.

Just put it on.

He's a great guy.

Yeah.

Same on anything.

If you like Ed Gamble and you want to see more of his work, go and see him on tour.

Go and see me on tour.

I can't promise that I'll be on the television when you turn it on straight away.

I'm on it now and again.

But pop onto my website, edgamble.co.uk.

Come and see me live.

Come and see me do some of my humour.

Yes, please.

Jiminy Jobpers, where are you on?

Well, I'm not sure, but

hey, to remind people, I've got some Netflix specials.

Watch them.

Yeah, go and watch them.

They're blooming good, I'd say.

Ed's in them.

I am.

You can hear me chuckling away.

He's in the audience laughing.

So a little bit, but he's doing it.

Uncredited.

Uncredited.

So, thank you for listening to the Off Menu podcast.

Please go and review us on the iTunes app or wherever you listen to your podcast.

Five stars.

Thank you.

It's very much the Uber system.

Five stars or nothing.

No, I mean no review.

I don't mean no stars.

Five stars.

Thank you.

Five stars.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

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Bye.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

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