Ep 3: Richard Osman

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

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Hello, and welcome to Off Menu with me, Ed Gamble.

And who's that over there?

His name is James Acaster.

James Acaster.

He's a good boy, isn't he?

Good boy.

Welcome back to the podcast.

I hope you've been listening to all the other lovely episodes.

Today, we've we've got a wonderful guest in the shape of Richard Osman.

And when I say that, it is Richard Osman, not just someone in the shape of him.

No one else is in the shape of him.

No, that's

very difficult to track down.

Yes.

He tells us loads of great stuff, all the food that he likes.

And, or no.

James is very good at intros.

No.

I'm not going to give anything away.

He picks his favourite meal as per on the off-menu podcast.

Lots of interesting discussions.

He also comes for me quite hard.

Yeah, Ed gets it.

Ed gets it.

I get it.

Ed's staring down the barrel for most of this episode.

He sticks booted.

Pleasure for me to watch.

Our secret ingredient, every week we have a secret ingredient that we don't tell the guests in advance.

And if they bring it up, we'll take them to task for it because it's an ingredient we don't enjoy.

And today that ingredient is drum roll, James.

Oh, no, don't hit the desk.

Coriander.

Oh,

I don't split it.

I don't mind the flavor, but I think it just gets sprinkled on too much stuff.

Yeah.

It gets invited to every party and it's not exactly the life and soul.

No.

It gets invited to every party and it's not an everyman.

Yeah.

It makes its presence known.

Doesn't make sense to it.

I actually don't like it in carrot and coriander soup.

I prefer if it was just carrot soup as the.

Well, you'd like it in carrot and coriander soup.

No.

Because if you got carrot and coriander soup and there was no coriander in it, you'd be the first to complain.

No, I say, keep the name the same and get rid of the coriander.

Right, you're mad.

Anyway, Anyway, this is Richard Osmond.

We're here with Richard Osmond.

Hello.

Hello Ed, how are you?

Fine, thank you.

Thank you very much for coming to our dream restaurant James.

Can I take your coat?

Yeah sure.

Here you go.

Thank you very much.

Oh, what a creaky coat.

That's a very cool thing.

I know, isn't it?

Really old leather coat.

Oh, lovely stuff.

Would the waiter take the coat as well?

No.

In a small restaurant, they would.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is a small restaurant.

I'm the only one who works on it because I'm the genie.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry for

harshly mentioned.

He's also a genie.

It's going to be a long afternoon.

Yeah.

So it's all me.

So you're a genie.

And why would you run a restaurant?

I'm a genie because this is your favourite.

This is your dream restaurant, your favourite restaurant.

You can't get all these meals anywhere else.

And so naturally a genie would be the one who would.

What if every single thing that I'm going to mention comes from say just for the sake of what comes from five guys yes yeah then this is like they don't really do fight starters at five guys do they well you could

you could have chips as a tiny or a tiny burger a little tiny bit yeah those peanuts those peanuts oh they are a starter you can say that that's that's a starter have you ever eaten the peanuts in five guys yeah yeah yeah it makes me feel weird that they're just out yeah yeah it's bikida isn't it yeah wild peanuts yeah

it feels like they shouldn't you shouldn't be eating them it feels like they're more decoration than anything to me What if they are?

I made a funny.

Did a funny tweet about that.

Did he?

Was it rebranding?

Broad.

It used to be called Six Guys, and one of them got fired for ordering too many peanuts.

That's really good.

Tom Neenan.

Follow him on Twitter.

Tom Neenham.

That's very good.

No, James is a genie because what happened was we came up with a very simple, clean format of asking people their dream meals, and James thought we should overcomplicate it by making him a genie.

Tommy, listen, we will start, and I've got to do it.

And if it is all of it, but so taught me, so you're doing a podcast.

Yes.

And

this was the thought.

Me and Ed love food.

We love food.

We eat a lot of food together.

We recommend each other different places to go and eat different dishes.

We like talking about it with people, we get excited.

Okay, this sounds like a pitch meeting.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, the thing about Ed and I is we love food.

We've got a real and we're good.

Our friendship's sort of based on food.

We have a lot of food-based banter.

One of the best TV pictures I ever saw, literally the front page, said,

This programme will appeal to anybody who's ever bought a record or listened to the radio.

Well, that is everybody.

Wow, that's broad.

That's a broad remit, isn't it?

Just oh, so you love food, love food, a couple of buddies, and I'm a genie.

So, see, that's where I sort of get off board, I think, when he's a genie.

But hopefully, it won't come up again.

No, but people like that from James, don't they?

That whimsy, yeah, yeah.

You're more of an Ivo Graham, Rhys James type of solid.

Well, I'll do better

than both of them, actually.

Just guess what happened to me yesterday comic.

James is a bit more kind of, oh, I'm a genie, I'll work in a restaurant.

And weirdly,

the weirdest stuff actually happens to James, and he still has to add on being a genie at the end of it.

Yeah, well, people won't believe it, otherwise, you've got to let them know you're a genie.

And if you do say all of your food is from Five Guys, then the genie restaurant that I'll create a few is the best five guys you've ever been to.

So

the one in Covent Garden, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Okay,

so you've taken, you've taken Richard's coat, yes, yes, I'll fit you out of it.

Yeah,

oh, I'm seated.

Yeah, you're in.

So, what water?

Yeah.

The first question is water.

And would you like tap, sparkling, or still?

So difficult, isn't it?

I think that.

You're not paying for it.

I'm not paying for any of this.

No.

Why would I go for tap water then?

Well,

that's why I'm preferring that.

That's a format floor.

That's it.

There's no incentive for me to go.

So if you are paying.

Yeah.

Would you pay for that?

Well, sparkling to be exotic.

Yeah.

And then, well, still water, I'd usually ask for tap water, but then that puts pressure on me for the rest of the meal to feel I have to order something expensive.

So they don't think I'm ordering tap water to be cheap.

I'm just ordering it to save the environment.

I go, no, I'm ordering this environmentally.

Not because.

Yeah, exactly.

So tap water, but then I'd order a more expensive main course than I previously would have done.

Clever.

Yeah, I see.

I've got them, right?

Okay, good.

Yeah.

Get out of that.

Do you like it when?

So I was in a restaurant recently.

No way.

Yeah.

You guys really do like food, we love food.

Let's do a podcast.

What's the name of the podcast?

Off menu.

Oh, so good, isn't it?

It's kind of like it says we're Sunday Maverick.

Yeah.

It's about food.

If you like food, we've got the word menu in there.

Yeah.

If you like Maverick comedy, it's like off menu.

Yeah.

So you're like, not like menu.

Not menu.

Which would be like

menu.

We can improv.

We're letting people know we can improv.

Off menu.

Holy fuck.

We're outside the box.

We're off menu.

That is.

That's you're outside the bento box here, right?

So

entitled.

Write that down, Ben.

I i know outside the bento box please ben um ben is like the sous chef here right yeah who you just shout out in the kitchen yeah

if ben was in the podcast more it would be called outside the bento box oh yeah oh that's really good

now we've done water what comes up yeah bread or pop a dumbs richard

Say again?

Bread or pop a dumb.

Oh, bread or popper dumbs.

Well, it depends what sort of restaurant I'm in, I would say.

You're in your dream restaurant where you can get bread or poppadums.

Okay, well, listen.

You can get the best bread or bumps.

Poppadums?

Yeah.

It's poppadums, right?

Poppadums.

Poppadums is poppadums.

Poppadums is popped.

Oh, Teresa's amazing.

By Madonna.

Bread covers every single other type of bread ever created in any culture, in any type of history, apart from Poppadums.

Yes.

So it would be weird if you said Poppa Dumbs.

I'll go for bread, please.

What kind of bread do you want?

No, I don't know.

If you're going to say about that, then what kind of bread?

Because I'm not going to bring you all the types of bread from all the history.

I'll be

like, yes, please.

You want all the bread from everybody?

It might be a bit carvey for me.

I'll get you on the banquet table

and finish it all before you've done it.

I like it when you go to a posh restaurant and they do that bread when it's warm.

I don't care even if they just put it in the microwave, stick a bit of mother's pride in the microwave

for me.

Yeah, and the salty butter.

Don't bring out bread and then bring up butter that's so rock hard.

Yes, it's impossible for me to do.

I mean, software.

You're in a restaurant.

Is this all you're doing?

Absolutely.

every single person you're bringing out butter to them Yeah, every single person is gonna have the same trouble if it's cold.

Yeah, you can't spread it.

What's the point of that?

Absolutely hate dragging it a lot and just having it all covered

then do you ever just like deal with this have it this solid rectangle of butter in the middle of the bread and you've got to eat it all at once.

Don't.

Well, I would tend not to.

I would tend to just leave that.

You would just be like, this is a write-off and not do it.

Which is a shame because I like to put some bread at the start of a meal.

So do I.

Because when else do you eat bits of bread?

Yeah, exactly.

You don't eat a big lump of bread.

You never at home just go, well, I'm hungry.

I'm going to eat some bread and then I'll have some food.

And then dinner time.

Yeah.

Did you dip it in some oil?

No, I don't really like that.

I'm quite fussy.

I don't like it when they bring out things I don't really know what it is.

You know what oil is, though, right?

I know what, yeah.

But

come on.

I know what oil is.

I think I do.

Although, define oil.

I've got him here, James.

Well, it's impossible to define it.

There's many different oils.

Olive oil.

I didn't say name some oils.

Right.

Define oil.

Liquid fat.

Yeah.

Well, no, petroleum isn't liquid fat, is it?

No, but they're not going to bring you out a bit of petroleum, are they?

Oh, he's absolutely dodging the question.

What was the question?

Define oil.

Define oil.

Yeah, but why am I defining oil?

I can't remember why I'm defining it now.

Because you said you know what oil is, don't you?

Yeah.

But you know

when they present you with some oil, you know what that is.

Well, I suppose so.

Anyway, I don't like it.

That's what I'm saying.

Liquid fat.

It's a tricky question.

It is a tricky question.

If you have to define virtually anything, it's almost impossible.

So, yeah, I'd like, yes, please, just bread is my.

Black water.

Black water, yeah, there you go.

There you go, defined oil.

Did you?

Oh, no.

Slippy water.

Slippy water.

Slippy water.

Slippy water.

Slippy water for your car.

Yeah.

Should we move on to starter?

What do you like for your starter?

Your dream starter.

It's such a good question.

When I was a boy, when I was a youngster,

I think sometimes I've worked in this industry a really long time, you know, like a really long time.

I'm quite old, but I don't think I'm old.

But when I think about the generations of comics who I've seen grow up and then I'm sitting here with you two, and you're like, really young.

And I think, God, how old must you think I am?

Because then I think forward to how old I thought people were when I was in Teddy.

And I was thinking, you're like 32, right?

Something like that.

And I'm

exactly 32.

33.

I'm like, oh, yeah.

Yeah.

uh and i'm 47 so i think well who's 15 years older than me so me to you is the same as someone 15 years older than me do you know who that is theresa may

theresa may to me is the same age as you think i am and when you were just so depressing seeing her on the circuit yeah she was yeah so type five she was the tunnelling of her day anyway when i was younger you did we didn't used to have restaurants at all but as a starter they would give you an orange juice

That would be the starter.

You'd go up once a year.

We went to the Carvery for my nan's birthday.

That's the only time we'd go out and you would have an orange juice You could have melon or you could have an orange juice and then after some then they had there was like prawn cocktail you could have and that was it That was a starter.

They would bring you like a glass of orange juice

was a starter.

Can you believe that?

Wouldn't they have a little bit of a break?

Would they put it in the middle of your like in between the knife and fork?

Yeah, yeah.

They put it and you'd yeah, and you just you just drink it or eat it with a straw?

I didn't really know how to

but yeah, but that that that's what you would that's what you would have it's crazy the world has changed the world of food has changed i'd kick off if they they did that.

This podcast would be so boring if it was from 35, 40 years ago.

It would be orange juice or melon.

Yeah, it would just be called orange juice or melon.

So I would have, I'll tell you what, I think it's the best food.

This was a difficult question for me until literally last week when I went up for dinner with a couple of comedy writers to a restaurant.

There's a new restaurant in London called Cora Pearl.

That's what it's called.

Perfectly nice.

Nice food and everything.

But the starter they had solved a problem for me.

I think the best food in the world, pretty much is a toasted ham and cheese sandwich or a toasted ham and bacon sandwich something like that you know some mixture of bread cheese done well yeah and pork uh but you know you can't get that as a starter anywhere right

wrong

wrong because at corra pearl they bring you up this sort of artisan they've got three sort of finger sandwiches of of uh it's a toasted ham and cheese sandwich like pulled pork and cheese and it's unbelievable yeah so now that you can have a toasted ham and cheese sandwich as a starter i think maybe that would be my best starter.

That's a good starter, right?

That is a good story.

That's a very good starter.

What kind of bread is it?

It's very crispy, and they've obviously buttered the outside as well, like a proper toasted sandwich.

Very important.

And I don't know, it's white, I suppose.

Yeah.

And then it's got, and I don't know what type of cheese it was, and I don't know what type of ham it was, other than it was delicious.

But toasted ham and cheese sandwiches, I think are

amazing.

All the Starbucks caustic anywhere, that's the way to go, isn't it?

Very comforting food.

Yeah, incredible.

It's one of those things where the first time you have a toasty, it is a bit of a game changer.

It is an amazing experience the first time you have it.

Delicious.

Yeah.

Did you ever have a toaster?

Yeah, a toasty toast at home.

Yeah, a brevil.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Amazing.

But brevils are better.

You don't get anything better than in a brevil.

However lovely this Cora Pearl was, and it was, it was amazing.

Yeah.

It wouldn't be, yeah, like a cheese toaster sandwich that you'd make at home in a brevil, which is what you're doing.

You want to make the pocket in the

bread.

Yeah, you need that.

Yeah, it's incredible.

In the same way that, you know, if Heston Blumatar came up with Frazzles, everyone would go, I mean, my mind, this is the most extraordinary thing anyone's ever made.

I mean, this is literally.

Imagine if you didn't know what frazzles were.

And you went along and you said, I've got these bacon crisp things.

And you ate them.

And you just went, How have you done this?

Jeannie, this is absolutely extraordinary.

You know, so in that summary, there are certain things.

We should probably make, like, you know.

And that's why the restaurant format works.

If it was just any food, what's your favourite food?

Every episode would be frazzles.

Yeah, for sure.

Everything just say frazzles.

I was tempted.

Good luck beating it.

Frazzles would be a good starter as well, I think.

I think frazzles, I would be honestly really comfortable with that.

Or what's it?

And there was a...

The starter was frazzles.

Yes.

Would it matter what else was on the menu?

Well, I'd love to do a restaurant where the starter is sweets, the main course is crisps, and the pudding is chocolate.

I'd be very comfortable with that.

I think people would like that.

You could open that in Shoreditch tomorrow, right?

Absolutely.

And do it like the restaurant will be laid out like your sitting room at home yeah yeah and you can just sit on the sofa

I'll have some sour skittles to start thank you I will have the

oh yeah

no no I quite like sour sweets but I wouldn't have expected you to like sour sweets really I love them I don't need to like them my days you know they're my favourite thing I don't understand the phenomenon of sour sweets oh I just love them but anything that makes you do a face why are you eating it you know what I mean unless it's a happy face well yeah okay so a lot of different specifically the in pain face.

The fine face, the finer face.

But I don't think sour Skittles are particularly sour.

I think that's a.

But, you know, if you go down Kingdom of Sweets, which is just down the way from here, where they do sweets from around the world, some of the sour sweets they do, like the warheads and stuff like that.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And toxic waste.

I had a toxic waste once when I was driving and it really crashed.

No, they just stripped the enemy off me.

It's awful.

Used to do the challenge as I was a kid with the warheads when it's like, see how long you can have it in your mouth for.

Me and my friends would do it.

I did love that, absolutely.

Last time I was in Kingdom of Sweets, I tried to buy some peanut butter m's yeah the lady behind the counter was like haven't got any i was like why she went illegal

no i was like i was like what she went it's illegal now in england it's illegal because of new new laws about health and stuff we're doing a petition to try and get them back so if you want to sign the petition try and get peanut butter ms back i don't think that doesn't sound right yeah no well this is the thing i was like I didn't really believe her, but I was like, okay.

I had a really long chat with her about how peanut butter MMs were illegal.

Did she say at any point?

I am at work.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm fascinated.

She didn't care.

Let me just serve.

Let me just serve this next MM.

She did not care at all.

The next time I went in there, they were in there again.

I said, I thought these were illegal.

And she went, we won.

I remember that whole case.

They weren't illegal.

She's mixed up illegal with they've run out of stock.

Because I was just in there and they've got so much Reese's material there, like Reese's pieces and Reese's outrageous and everything.

There's no way they're banning peanut MMs.

Yeah, what's specifically illegal about peanut butter MMs?

Doesn't make sense.

That Reese's is allowed.

Maybe they think that the ratio of you know peanut to

is like even though it's they're little they're dense.

It's still like

each MM technically has a whole jar of peanut butter in there.

Maybe it was like an appetizer thing.

So peanutty, little legal.

Yeah,

it's just to start a bit of a PR thing, yeah.

You love peanut butter chocolate.

I saw you tweet, you did a tweet once that the butterfinger cups are better than Reese's peanut butter cups.

Oh yeah, I do think that.

I do think that.

I know that's quite controversial, but only because they've got little crispy bits.

Yeah, little crunchy bits.

Four of them on that recommendation.

I was like, Osmond says these are better.

Yeah.

I liked them.

And also, there's four in a packet instead of three.

Yeah.

So that's better.

Do the maths.

Yeah, you do the maths.

It doesn't take a genius to

genie.

A genius

to work out that four is better than three.

I think so.

But don't you think a Shawdish restaurant starts with sweets, then crisps, then trucks?

Definitely.

Yeah.

I mean, you're just going to do that.

Dress code is like you have to wear just like your pants.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, and all other clothes as well, but you do.

Yeah, yeah, you do have to wear pants.

You wear pants and then everything over the top of normal.

You have to prove it?

What you're going to do?

Prove you're wearing pants, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, prove you're wearing pants for a free

Diet Coke.

Isn't a restaurant called Prove You're Wearing Pants?

PYWP, I call it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

P-Y-W-P.

We call it in Shorditch.

Imagine that.

So you have to go in and prove you're wearing pants.

Yeah.

And then

you order your

Starburst.

Yeah.

And then I would have the skips with a side of what sits.

Would it be a quite pretentious.

Would it be a full packet of Starburst or would it be a single Starburst on a plate?

No, no, because you have to peg out, right?

That's the, it feels like you need to binge at this place.

If you've ever seen, I tweeted something that my daughter did, it's really worth looking at because it's absolutely brilliant.

They went to an all-you-can-eat buffet, her and some of her mates, and they had a competition where you had to

just using all the you know the all-you-can-eat buffets and the kind of stuff they had there they had to make the plate of food that looked most like it was in a master chef final

just from the things that uh all you can eat buffet brilliant and i i i tweeted that her winning uh winning amazing that's such a good thing they were doing it and like always in that place if you do anything with the security guard came over and said can i ask what you're doing and in the end they got him to judge the competition so he uh but it was amazing it's amazing it just had a little smear of something there and a little pickled onion in the middle yeah it was really good a couple of bits of it smears are very important in in master chef aren't they you've got to get the smear of sauce right.

Yeah, you really do.

But anyway, that's a fun game to play.

I'm going to do it.

Yeah.

You'd be very good at it.

So you guys love food, right?

No, we're the ones being pitched to show, but I absolutely love it and I'm on board.

For anyone who's ever eaten a meal or seen a meal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For anyone who's ever eaten a meal.

For anyone who's ever needed to eat food to survive.

Yeah.

You will love this.

You will love this show.

It's a competition where it's called Smear.

It's called Smear Test.

Yeah.

And you've got to get the Smear Right.

Perfect.

You've got it Smear Test.

Oh, gents.

I mean, goodness me.

This new generation of comedians.

Very rude.

That's really rude, isn't it?

Very blue.

Yeah.

You work blue.

Yeah, I work.

It's only rude if you already know what a smear test is.

Otherwise, we're just innocent boys.

It's not even rude anyway, to be fair, because a smear test is a perfectly...

It'd just be a weird thing to call a TV show.

We'll see about that.

I know you've got a lot of experience, but you're very much from the old school, Richard.

Yes, that's just a new generation.

We want shows called like Smear Test.

I tell you what, if you called it Michael McIntyre's smear test, you'd have yourself a hit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, no disrespect to you guys, but

that's the way to sell it.

I haven't seen him doing anything for a while.

Michael McIntyre.

Yeah, what's he doing?

Smear test.

Smear test.

Well, no, I don't think he should be in the show, but we should still call it Michael McIntyre.

Michael McIntyre's smear test.

When you're making toasty at home,

do you neaten it up?

Around the edges?

No, that's the key bit, right?

Yeah, your crispy goes.

You've got to keep that.

Burnt cheese is one of the best foods in the world.

No one's really kind of made a thing of it.

Yeah, it's really good.

But if every make it something like that and the cheese is burnt, you think, well, this is the best food ever.

But no one quite weird because people are getting into, you know, people do burnt caramel or like burnt ends.

Yeah, like people are like accepting now that burnt food and stuff is quite nice.

Char vegetables and stuff.

Char vegetables.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'd eat pan scrapings.

Yeah.

On a menu.

It's another good name for a restaurant, by the way.

Ed Gamble's pan scrapings.

Oh, yes.

Michael McIntyre's pan scrapings.

Yeah, yeah, nice.

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Yes, it's a tricky one, isn't it?

I normally, my thing about any restaurant is I always eat exactly the same thing.

I will never ever deviate.

If I've liked something once and I go to that same restaurant, I would literally never ever change because that's my personality type.

And to my mind, the whole of London is a menu.

and the one thing i like most at the restaurants that's the menu and then i choose the thing on the menu that i want and then i have to go to that restaurant um so i'd always traveling around like this anyway when you have a free course meal yeah

exactly right no because i know exactly what they have for each course in any in any uh in any given restaurant um but i think the best main course really it's hard isn't it because i do like a steak and chips and also but you know it's it's it's quite a responsibility the main course because that's the meal really the headliner but weirdly it's in the middle yeah yeah yeah

that's weird isn't it yeah well it's like a jazz club a jazz club sometimes no it's like a comedy club but then there's a there's a you know they have a disco after that's your pudding yeah so you'd be playing that's the main course or ed maybe may probably be the starter more like but then after you are yeah yeah yeah no you know uh

i'm a solid i'm a solid opener yeah and listen

it's a tricky spot to be in you're really good on what the week thank you very much

i just would not want want to be the week sometimes when you're on it.

Oh, I'm watching

out.

Oh,

it really is.

Sometimes you can tell that Ed's going to be on Mock the Week because the week just seems a little bit nervous.

Yeah, a little bit dangerous.

Leading up to it, I'm like,

tries not to do anything just.

The week just keeps repeating the same news when it goes on.

No one wants to get over-mocked, do they?

And gosh, when Ed's around.

A quivering mess.

There he is.

Bandaged up.

Likely so.

Yes, it's hard.

It's hard to.

It's hard.

The main course is

hard.

So I'm going to go for

Christmas dinner.

Can I do that?

Oh, yes.

Don't you think?

There we go.

Yeah.

What's the ultimate meal?

Yeah.

And I'm even, but I'll be more, I'm specifically going to say Christmas dinner from the late 70s, early 80s.

You know,

my grandparents.

Well, no, I say my grandparents, goodness me, it's the 1970s, my grandmother.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, like my granddad would go aggressively.

My granddad would go anywhere near that.

Goodness me, he's cracking a drink.

He might prepare the orange juice for starters, right?

Yeah, exactly.

I'll do the starter.

Yeah.

Is it spiced orange juice on Christmas Day?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Mold orange juice.

Mold orange juice is lovely.

Delicious.

Yeah, so yeah, listen, Christmas dinner, turkey,

roasted potatoes,

beef as well as turkey.

Hold on, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't just back this button.

Gloss over that like it's a this one does.

You've got two meats.

Just threw it in.

Yeah, two meats.

Beef and turkey.

How many people were in the family?

Well, that would have been, back in those days, it would be like seven or eight of us.

Okay.

Something like that.

Still, normally most fan most gatherings on Christmas Day, seven or eight of you, you're having one.

and is that because some people

prefer beef to turkey so they'd have beef instead of turkey, or is everyone loading their plate up with berkey?

Berkey.

Yeah.

They're going full berkey.

Yeah, it's full teeth.

Yeah.

And the vegetarian's gonna have false teeth.

No, yeah, we'd yeah, we'd always go double meat.

I think that was I don't think that was crazily uncommon back in those days when we sat forget we didn't have the internet, so we had a lot more time for cooking.

'Cause yeah, nowadays our parents are googling all the time.

Yeah.

Trying to make a full a full uh yeah,

playing the angry birds instead of instead of cooking a goose.

Yeah.

I think

my girlfriend's parents still have two meats, turkey and ham.

You've got two meat-in-laws.

Two meat-in-laws, mate.

Ham isn't a meat, in my opinion.

Sorry, just to throw that.

But like a gammon.

I don't want to throw your own logic at you, but define meat.

And then I think ham is a meat, Richard.

Yeah, I don't think it is.

They're not just like cracking open a packet of wafer thin or anything.

It's like a full gammon.

Okay, yeah, that's right.

I think ham becomes a meat as soon as it is thick as bacon.

Anything thinner than that, and and then it's a salami or something Italian.

Yeah.

Anything thicker than that, it's bacon or a gamon or a pork.

Let's not forget they're the same thing.

And that's a meat.

But as soon as it gets thinner, I don't think that's a real meat.

You don't define this as a meat.

But do you mean like, you know, like a dinner meat, like that you would have as a main company?

Yeah, I guess.

Because like, I still, I feel I'm a traditionalist in this sense, but would just class sandwich thin meat as meat still.

More like

charcuterie, which is pretty much charcuterie.

Yeah, charcuterie.

I think you're being a little bit arched there, James.

Yeah, I think you're showing your poshness there.

I think a little bit of kittering showing through you.

I'm afraid.

From the

old silver Kettering spoon.

Just come out of my mouth.

The old delicatessen.

The kettering delicatessen.

So what veg are you going with?

So we're going turkey and beef.

No.

That's the key.

No.

To me.

Veg on Christmas day.

No veg.

No, I would never.

I mean, everyone else is allowed some.

Obviously, but to me, the perfect meal.

Yeah, sure, have them if you want, but why would I enjoy the taste of them?

so why would i have them so that's my treat isn't it yes a treat there so my biggest treat is to not not have vegetables merry christmas to me merry christmas to me yeah that's exactly right and i think you know because yeah what listen like there's so much good food on that plate why then just think oh tell you what i'll do why don't i do i have a corner of the plate where there's like much much worse food that doesn't really taste very nice yes why don't i do that alongside all the really or i could get rid of that food and replace it with some of the food that i do like

and also you know make have room for some quality street afters i'd rather have quality street than vegetables sure and i don't think

did you put those on the plate no that's for afters yeah unwrap and put them on the plate you wouldn't unwrap and put them on the plate i don't think so chocolate have all the choppy pennies like carrots it's not a bad idea for the naked eye yeah i should have tried that so not even a not even a parsnip no roast parsnip roast carrots when it's it sweetens them up i mean not even a parsnip parsnips are delicious because you say because you think they're sweet well because they're because they're not the if If someone says no vegetables, I wouldn't think not even a parsnip.

Well, no, a parsnip.

Surely an aubergine.

Surely you'd have an aubergine, though.

Yeah, yeah.

A parsnip to me doesn't feel like a vegetable.

It feels like a different tasting potato.

Well, a potato is a vegetable, of course.

Yeah.

But we all know it's not.

Yeah, I kind of have a thing with it.

It took me a long time to like parsnips because the first time I had one, I thought it was a potato.

I might have even told it on this show before.

But like, first time I had a parsnips.

It's a show now, is it?

Yeah.

I thought it was a roast potato and I ate it and I was very disappointed.

So I didn't like parsnips for ages because I thought it was was going to be as good as the best thing in the world.

Yeah, I think that's a really common thing is the accidental parsnips.

And that's really ruined a lot of parsnips for a lot of people.

You've got to be careful.

You've got to be so careful.

You are having roast potatoes at this meal, aren't you?

Yeah, for sure.

Otherwise, I haven't lost my mouth.

I mean,

me and Ed would not be able to defend you from the drug truck.

I love it.

If you're just having straight turkey and beef,

if they're not a Christmas dinner,

I would like some turkey and beef.

And some beef.

That's what Joel Dommit has for Christmas dinner.

dinner.

Just turkey and beef.

I bet he just has a cross powder.

Don't you think?

He has a powder and he mixes it in soy milk and just absolutely canes it down.

Yeah.

And that's it.

And yeah, then he goes out running in the park

and then goes on the swings and cries.

Do you think he cries?

Joel, I hope so, don't you?

Because

otherwise he'd be unbearable.

Surely there must be something wrong with him.

I don't know what there is, unfortunately.

Joel, who I adore,

he used to do the warm-up for Pointless.

Can you imagine that?

Yeah.

Oh, he was great.

What would he do?

Lift a pensioner above his head.

Well, yeah, he would always talk to them about liquid food.

How is your grandmother cooking the meat?

Because obviously we've all, you know, different people cook meat in different ways.

Best turkey I ever had was my house, my older flatmate, she's Canadian, and on Canadian Thanksgiving, she made a turkey.

She was injecting it with like stuff all day long.

I think that instead of basing it.

Huh?

Heroin.

Yes, actually.

Oh, that's amazing.

Yeah, that's how my nan used to do turkey.

Yeah, Smack Turkey.

Yeah, she used to call it Smack Turkey.

We used junk turkey

back in those days.

She learnt it in the war.

And yeah, it was amazing.

The giblets were tiny little condoms full of cracker cane.

Yeah, well, this isn't a different time.

No wonder that.

As I said,

there was no internet, yeah.

I'm fine.

How was it?

Yeah, she wrote, I don't know, she was like, I don't like I'd paid any attention to that.

I was watching

Tom of the Pops.

Was it better than anyone else's turkey, though?

Yeah, of course, because it was Christmas and you're with your family and you're with people you love.

So,

this meal and the main course, are we bussing in your family to the market?

I think we'd have to.

I mean, listen, we'd have to.

Let's bust more time machine.

Yeah, yeah.

He's a genie.

I'm a genie.

I think it's magic.

Oh, amazing.

I'd love that.

Yeah, so we'll head back.

We'll have that and then maybe in a little game of Trivial Pursuit or something afterwards.

That'd be nice.

Were you good at Trivial Pursuit?

That that was all right for like an 11 year old yeah but um uh but a game some sort of board game but anyway the food itself that's the best meal that's the great food of the year talks to me about gravy oh i love gravy yeah yeah i hope so do you cook christmas dinner now are you no no god no god no i don't cook anything so you've never you don't have any a secret roast potato recipe or anything i do yeah actually which is weird because i never cook them but i just i do because i like secrets So you're going to keep it a secret?

Yeah, yeah, God, yeah.

Are you going to tell us your secret roast potatoes?

Of course not.

Otherwise, how would it be a secret roast potato i mean that's crazy also i've been i've been asked by the the knights of the template to keep it a secret and i will do i'll take that responsibility very seriously i'm trying to guess what it is now go on then do you

do you roast the potatoes in a pan of mashed potato so you cover them with mashed potato yeah yeah and then the mashed potato gets hot around them and then roasts yeah i call them my potato roast potatoes yes yeah well done first guess Christmas dinner is a great answer for main course.

Yeah, don't you cranbury sauce?

Yeah,

why not?

But not really.

Again, it's too sweet.

I don't really like mixing

bread sauce.

Savoury.

Yeah, bread sauce would be a bit more appropriate.

But, you know, sweet and savoury.

Is that a thing?

Is that a good thing?

It's more American, isn't it?

There's more like a Thanksgiving sort of thing, haven't you?

I like it.

I recently started dipping

fries into milkshakes.

No.

Very nice.

When I was in China...

I like the In-N Out burger is nice.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Actually, I haven't tried it anywhere else, but the kind of fries they have there are quite cardboardy.

Yeah.

I don't really like them on their own.

You don't know why the in-and-out fries?

No, but they're perfect.

Is it in-no?

You're not over here now?

No, not yet.

As far as I know.

So this is just that I've been to America.

Yeah, this is all I've been to America.

Been to America, yeah.

Been to America and dip my fries in a milkshake.

Wow.

Vanilla milkshake.

In-and-out fries.

Now, I went to China recently.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Because

my daughter lives out there.

And we go to this restaurant that was sort of, this was supposedly a Western restaurant.

So we went at one point.

and they had this thing and it said um it said french fries served in the traditional belgian way with ice cream right wow and you're thinking okay okay but this is clearly a mistranslation because there's so much mistranslation out there and it's all so we thought well let's get them because it'll be mayonnaise and but you know or whatever it is but i think there had been a mistranslation but i think they had obviously mistranslated something because it came this big bowl of fries but with vanilla ice cream wow on the top of it on it already yeah yeah yeah it's already on there you can see oh my goodness.

Yeah.

And it was so brutally awful.

I mean, it was really, because I love both of those things.

Yeah.

Sure.

Vanilla ice cream and chips.

Yeah.

And I think most things go together if you, if you, you know, if you don't have any standards, which I don't.

But it was really, really bad.

But yeah, the traditional Belgian way, apparently, is chips with ice cream.

They don't think of this.

Not at all.

I don't think I've been to Belgium, but I'm pretty sure they.

Never heard of that.

I think we'd all know about it.

It's mayonnaise, right?

Yeah.

They've made a mistake.

And I would only know that because it's sort of pulp fiction, they say that in Holland they're drowning.

Although these days, the more you go to restaurants,

when they bring you chips, they'll bring, oh, do you want mayonnaise or ketchup?

You think, no, what I want with my chips, I want vinegar.

Obviously, I want vinegar with my chips.

But sometimes then they'll bring out Bilsamic vinegar.

Oh, yeah, no.

And you think, well, of course that's not white in me.

I want...

No one wants that.

But suddenly, someone seems a couple of years ago to go, oh, well, chips and vinegar.

I don't think that's a thing.

I don't think people...

You think, but that's like the chip shop chips with salt and vinegar just absolutely drenched on them.

We used to put so much vinegar on them in school when we went there but we would then like huff them to see if you could like do it without having a coughing fit.

You put your head put your head over it and breathe in as much as you could without like spluttering and ruining your afternoon.

That's like sniffing glue.

Yeah, that's what we did.

Sniffing sarsen and silver.

Sniffing chips and vinegar

in the playground.

When I was a kid we had a fish and chip shop and I looked this up recently when I did my book, The World Cup of Everything, and I was looking at all sorts of interesting things.

But I was talking about fish and chips.

And I remember when I was a kid, our fish and chip shop, you'd get cod and had it, but you'd also get huss.

And it occurred to me, I'd never heard of huss ever since.

You don't, it's not a thing.

I've never heard of it.

I've never heard it.

But it's a thing that, so it would always be there.

And I looked it up, and the hus is a type of shark.

Wow.

So

we were eating shark and chips.

That's quite good, isn't it?

That's great.

No, I wouldn't have a clue.

I think lots of things are types of shark, I think, probably is the truth.

But it was, yeah, it was shark and chips.

A shark.

I don't see that anymore.

It's probably overfished.

I think it's now illegal.

Yeah.

Like peanut butter.

Exactly.

Yeah, I think it's

the same company.

Yeah.

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So, you got Christmas dinner main course.

Yeah, and the good thing about this restaurant is you can't get over full.

Oh, no way.

You can be like satisfied,

but you're not going to feel sick enough that you can't move on to the next course.

You'll be fine.

Or best side dish.

Well, interestingly, yeah, the next category is best side dish.

But if you've got Christmas dick, you've got Christmas dinner.

I think you found a loophole, we're going to have to let him have it.

Or are you going to let him have roast potatoes or his Christmas dinner as a side?

Well, no, because roast potatoes are a type of part of the Christmas dinner, aren't they?

Yeah.

So what are you putting on the side of the Christmas dinner?

Oh, goodness.

I didn't really think that through.

I've got a suggestion.

I'll just say one thing about the format, which is

if it is a fantasy meal, we understand it's a fantasy meal.

I'm just going to dismantle the format.

No, I'm not dismantling.

In any way, I hope I'm helping.

Yes.

I'm just saying, if it's a fantasy restaurant, we're having a fantasy meal,

then

obviously starter is very self-contained.

Yes.

Dessert self-contained.

Yes.

Drink self-contained.

Suddenly...

bang in the middle of this format like a leaning tower is two things which are inextricably linked to each other yes you know and i hadn't really thought that through

because i was thinking what would i appear to be blaming the format for your lack of foresight?

I don't think so.

Well, let's see if, let's see, yeah.

That's what makes this bit interesting.

Oh,

listen, this is what brings people back.

They come for the food, they stay for the controversy.

Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah,

I hadn't really thought that through.

Listen, chips are the best side.

If that is a side, but you can't say that.

You can't say that.

They do,

there's a restaurant really near here, about two streets over.

I won't give away where you are because of your many fans.

The gamblers.

A castronauts.

The Acastronauts.

You've thought about that.

I've never thought about that.

I want people to know that I've never thought about that.

But I like it.

It's good.

Acastronauts.

Love it.

God, I thought gamblers was going to be as good as it gets.

Yeah, no, Acastronauts.

No, you've been done there, haven't you?

What are your restaurants?

Osmanonites.

Osmaniacs.

Osmaniacs.

Osmaniacs.

By and large, they're not maniacs.

there is a restaurant very near here i won't say it is you'd say it's i can't say it is because of the uh akeastronauts if we give it a

they'll all be imagine if they knew this was done near burner street in london yeah exactly we'd be in trouble imagine if they knew it was somewhere within 200 yards of burner street

and they would be scouring they'd be waiting outside well i'll tell you that the way they do it is these days is drones oh yeah you know they wouldn't come down themselves there's no point is they'd scrape it out first drone it you know just see your ake restaurants are very tech savvy they are very tech savvy i've looked down at your copper top they say they spot you a mile off they go there he is there's our boy

um

uh there's a there's there's there's a restaurant rear near here called uh the burner's tavern which sounds like a burning inn but isn't uh it's a nice restaurant and uh they do a mac cheese which is the greatest mac cheese yeah in the history of the

this is your side dish yeah and it goes with christmas dinner quite nicely

i suppose so but it's really i mean it's unbelievable i mean it's really unbelievable it's quite quite something.

If you ever get the chance,

why wouldn't you get the chance?

Because you're really near it.

And you're both earning, you've both done Apollo, you're both earning now.

So you can afford to go to Burner's Tavern.

But for life, have you done the Apollo?

Oh, yeah.

I had, I went to a wedding recently.

No way.

And they did mac and cheese.

That's good.

And it was mac and cheese.

It had jalapenos in it.

It's the best mac and cheese I've ever had.

No, really?

It's really great.

This is good.

This has kind of like

oxtail on top of it and stuff as well.

I mean, it's really, really good.

There's a takeaway place near me that does mac and cheese balls as a side no like

crisp fried deep fried mac and cheese balls amazing wow where's that

without giving away where you're really worried about the game's house now it's uh yeah it's pretty near where i live i'll tell you after if they find out where you live then they can triangulate and they can they can

mac and cheese balls london they'll narrow down that way that's really easy to do because there can't be that many places to do it i don't know it'll be northlond somewhere because because of your generation probably northeast no

well nowhere as narrow but yes, yes, it is actually.

Yeah, mac and cheese ball.

I think it's more likely.

I don't think people would find out where that is to find out where I live.

I think they'd be more likely to find out where I live so they could go and find some mac and cheese balls.

They just ignore where I am.

Do you think?

I think it's easier to google where the mac and cheese balls are than google where you live.

If we google where does their gamble live, have you ever tried that?

No.

Should we do that?

Yeah, let's do it right now.

Yes.

Here we go.

Hold on.

I'm getting my, just for the purposes of the tape, I'm getting my phone out.

Going on Google, but other search websites that Ask Jeeves are available.

Where

it's good to know this didn't exist, this technology.

When your grandmother was cooking Christmas dinner, she would have been searching this kind of thing.

Oh my god, you wouldn't have two meats.

Where does Ed Gamble live?

Best live gambling sites.

That's the problem.

Ed Gamble, essentially a great guy delivering humor through your classic something.

That's my website.

It really needs to change it.

Ed Gamble

went to where does it doesn't say at all?

That's good, isn't it?

Ed Gamble.

Oh, Stoke Newington.

No.

Ah.

Imagine if it was, though.

I'd like to live in Stoke Newington.

Would you?

Yeah.

You can afford Stoke Newington.

Surely.

Well, I mean, but no, I can't now because we've just said Stoke Newington and I've just said it, so the gamblers are going to find out.

I'm going to camp out in advance.

They'll move there and we'll wait for you then.

Where were we?

Mac and Cheese.

Oh, mac and cheese.

Yes.

Yeah, the mac and cheese at Berners Tavern is amazing.

Oxtail on it.

Yeah, like you know, in like a really amazing, sort of very rich sauce.

It's gorgeous.

I'd like to go there after this recording.

We're genuinely going to eat that.

Honestly,

but it's they sort of serve it as a main course, and you can't finish it.

I guarantee, guarantee that neither of you will finish it, even though it's amazing.

Absolutely,

challenge accepted.

We're going to go there.

I'm going to eat it.

I'll send you a photo of the bowl when it's clean.

Okay.

And then you can lick that bowl.

Oh.

You doubt you've done it.

You've got to come straight over and lick the bowl.

You've got to go over and lick the bowl when I've finished it.

James Acaster's lick my bowl.

Yeah.

Another great show.

Slimey.

Yeah, I really recommend it.

We'd like that as a side.

We can do a side portion of that.

Because mac and cheese is a reasonable side dish.

Even if it's usually served as a main there, we can get it as a side for you.

And I feel anything with turkey that has a bit of moisture to it.

Yeah.

Listen to Christmas dinner is a very good move.

Yes, it's quite, yeah.

If you go to Hawksmoor or something, those restaurants where they're all over the place now, they're nice steak with

mac and cheese.

I mean, it's too much food, but.

But you don't get full.

This is a dream restaurant.

Oh, of course I don't get full.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's for goodness.

Although, in some ways, am I full at the end, though?

Oh, you're satisfied with the end.

It's not just like a nightmare where

you're always hungry.

Hold on, this is a nightmare restaurant.

You're not a genie.

And also,

you would still put on weight, but you'd just always be hungry.

You'd just be there for years.

All the negative health.

Yeah.

Oh, that'd be really bad.

And also with my eyesight,

I can never really see where the losers are, so I I always have to ask.

And I'd get, if I was there for that long, I was like, oh, I'm going to have to find out where the loo is.

But that would be a thing as well, is that you would, after you've been to the Lou, once you sit back down at your table, which you have to,

you forget where the loo is again.

That's part of the last time you're doing.

You never remember where the Louis.

And they always say, no, it's just over there.

You go past that pedo and you sort of walk over there and you're in front of a table of like three tables and you're like, oh, that's not the loo.

I think it's, oh, God.

And they're all like really attractive people at the table and they all laugh at you.

Oh, no.

One of them whispers something to the other one and then they all laugh.

They all go, it's the guy from Pointless, yeah, and he doesn't even know whether Lewis is five-four widdle.

Oh, he's been eating mac and cheese for four and a half hours, yeah.

And look, he's so tall.

Did you know he was that tall?

Oh, it'd be awful.

This restaurant sounds an absolute nightmare.

Why has he got a paper crown on?

It's May.

Let's keep on turning up for one course and going in and then coming back.

And his grandparents are over 100.

They look surprised to be reanimated.

Pudding.

Pudding.

Welcome to pudding.

Oh, lovely.

And again, this is another format issue

because surely everyone says the same pudding.

Oh, no.

Oh, here we go.

Well, because

there's only one great.

Well, the greatest

try and get from...

But okay, go ahead.

But

there is a definitive answer to the best pudding you would ever have.

It's things that I think that you would maybe say.

Yeah, I hear you.

And I don't know what you like, by the way.

I haven't spoken to you about what puddings you like, but it wouldn't be so.

Imagine if we had.

Yeah, yeah.

It's weird though, because I know you love food and you talk about it a lot.

Yeah, we've never had food.

I speak to a lot of people about puddings, though, so it's not out of the...

And also, I know that you do like World Cup of Chocolate and stuff like that.

So, like, which was, which wound me up, as you know.

I tweeted you about how much it wound me up.

Yeah, but that's okay.

It didn't wound me up that it existed.

The general public's opinions of chocolate, I was so annoyed that...

Was it Dairy Milk one?

Dairy Milk milk one, that you know, absolutely.

There's a reason it's popular, you know.

Yeah, exactly.

But people just go for like the middle of the road one.

Well, no, it really made me happy.

But in yeah, when you've got a lot of people, this is why it's hard to win on elections, why people don't understand how to win elections.

Yeah, it's because you know, anyway, that's a that's a different population.

I like dairy milk, you know, they're fine.

There's like

a fine assumption

of chocolate.

There are no more teasers.

Well, they're no Kit Kat chunky with peanut butter, which is what I feel.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

It's more of my stream.

Yeah, that's good as well.

I like Malteas, obviously, but then I would take a teaser over a Malteser.

A Maltese teaser.

Yeah, teasers are interesting.

Yeah.

But then you overdo them.

Yeah, exactly.

Because the dream was always when they bought out the Maltesers in celebrations and you just went, well, this is a better version of a Maltizer, which is impossible.

Imagine if they made a whole bar that was this.

Yes.

And then they did.

And then by the seventh one, you're like, oh, I've had too many of these.

It's like people are clamouring for a giant cream egg.

Yeah.

For Easter.

Oh, and yeah, be careful what you wish for.

People would die.

People would die if there was a joke.

Although that's what I thought Easter eggs were.

When I was a kid and I saw them for the

first time it was like I thought they were all what it said it was.

Yeah yeah.

But a Mars egg was full of nougat and caramel and I thought everything was that's what it was.

What would be the best?

Let's assume a normal size

Easter egg.

Yeah.

Let's assume it has the complete filling of the chocolate bar it represents.

Yeah.

What would be the most bearable to eat?

Bearable, yeah.

Because cream egg impossible because of the sweetness.

Double decker, because then it will change halfway through.

But that's a lot, you're getting a lot of nouga there.

Flake?

A lot of nougar.

Well, I was thinking aero.

I was thinking aero.

Yeah, that would be nugar.

A mint arrow, that'd be quite nice.

But it was still,

none of them are going to work physically, I don't think.

I want it to be a soft one.

I'd want it to be something that you normally don't get in that quantity.

Bounty.

No, not about that.

Look at him.

oh my god it's the most annoyed ever i like bounty i like dark chocolate bounty

really you like dark chocolate bounty oh yeah i prefer dark chocolate to milk chocolate goodness how do you like that if every single chocolate bar came in dark chocolate version i would always buy that person always that's interesting that's very sophisticated

milky bar i'd buy a dark chocolate version they do do that well that's the thing about kingdom of sweets they do dark chocolate versions of virtually everything yeah don't they there's always like dark chocolate snickers it's like about 40 different types of snickers i saw today You realise how much we're getting mugged off over here.

Yeah, we really are.

Yeah, we really are.

Although we do do good chocolate, but yeah.

We do.

But my favourite chocolate in the world, Whitaker's.

I think I've said that on the show as well.

Whitaker's is good.

Whitaker's from New Zealand, best chocolate in the world.

Really?

Yeah.

But is that dark chocolate?

They've got dark chocolate in their range.

It's like their capries, but they do so many different chocolate butters and it's all amazing.

I think it's the closest to Willy Wonka chocolate I've ever had.

Just in the way it's wrapped in foil and it's got like big chunks and the different flavours.

The peanut butter Whittakers is.

And where do we get it over here?

I think there's certain places that sell it.

I know there are because my friends have bought them for me before.

No way.

And I have to kind of say, don't tell me where you got this.

Because if I know that...

That's the end of my life.

Yeah, yeah, I can see that.

I like certain things.

So, James, what was your guess?

Tiramassu was a guess.

Oh god, that's literally the furthest.

I mean, you could not be.

I like almost every pudding.

Yeah.

The only puddings I don't like, I don't like Tiramasu.

I don't like Tiramasu.

Anything with coffee, and I don't like it.

You know I'm Master Chef.

This drives me crazy.

And so you're doing a pudding.

What are you doing for pudding?

Yeah.

And they go, oh, I'm doing a poached pear in a red wine sauce.

You think that is not a pudding?

It's literally like the worst.

It's a bit of white fruits.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Well, that's that's pudding for someone who has no joy in their life at all.

It doesn't like pudding.

Mr.

Burns would eat that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your poached pear.

That guy.

Yeah.

Bloody infuriated.

Here's my guess: sticky toffee pudding.

Not sticky toffee pudding.

I'm a good guess for Osman Essex.

Better than Tiramasu.

Yeah.

Chocolate fudge cake.

I'm going to say no, but I'm going to say you have one element right there.

Chocolate.

Yep, there is chocolate involved.

Chocolate brownie.

No.

I feel like I've got one more guess.

Chocolate fondant.

No, there's another flavour in there, and then it has a form.

Dark chocolate gato.

It is dark chocolate, actually, but it's not especially a gato.

What's the other?

Orange?

No.

Mint.

Mint.

Mint chocolate.

It's going for an after eight.

You are are so close.

You're so close with mint chock chip ice cream.

This might be before your time to still do them, though.

It's okay.

Mint Vienetta.

Oh, that's the answer to your question.

Mint Vienetta.

I don't see why you would think everyone would say that because

it is the best.

Don't say it was.

Well.

It was the thing that everyone wanted for a while.

There's a man who hasn't been to Iceland for a while.

Yeah, yeah, apologies.

You know, in Iceland there's a Maltese Vienetta.

Can you imagine such a thing?

Have you tried it?

No, I haven't actually.

I haven't had it.

But that's working out.

You've only heard of it.

That's almost always speaking that you've not had it and that you know about it.

I know about it, but I just think, because I'm, you know, mint Veneta, I think, is very hard.

Because they did a plain Viennetta, of course.

I don't need to tell you guys that.

Which is really good.

And so elaborate, Vienetta.

It was invented in the 70s.

So it was an extraordinary piece of food technology.

Again, in the book, The World Cup of Everything, I talk about the guy who invented it.

He was a chemist.

And it's so brilliant.

But then the mint Vienetta, because I love mint chop chip ice cream.

I think it's the greatest of all ice creams.

If you're doing best ice cream flavour, again, when I was younger, when I was a kid in the 70s, you didn't really have flavours for ice creams, you had three flavours, which were vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.

And then there were only two other flavours, right?

One of which is Raspberry Ripple, which I can see that.

But then the other flavour is a flavour.

Literally, there were five flavours, and one of it was this last one, which you just think that's a flavor they should be inventing, sort of now.

Yeah, and it was which was rum and raisin.

Right, yeah.

And rum and raisin was like the big, it was the fifth ice cream.

Yeah, I just think that's so crazily.

How did that happen?

Yeah, they didn't.

You'd think there would be some progression there, yeah.

Some other ice cream.

Villeneuve's now would be going, I'll tell you what would bring that rum and raisin.

You go, oh, I can see that

kind of tropical, but yeah, that's uh maybe coming from raisin, start with raisin at least, and then go.

And then one of them accidentally spills a bit of rum on there or something.

Like the Alexander Fleming of uh, of uh ice creams.

Because you know, the very first two ever crisp flavours that experimenters, they're always ready sorted.

They tried for years, and it was the Irish Tato who made the first crisp flavours and they experimented with two flavours literally the very very very first experiments they ever did and the two flavours were salt and vinegar and cheese and onion yeah so the two most popular literally the first two they ever did so they could have they could have gone with anything could have gone with anything we could have we could all be eating paprika crisps like the germans yeah i do like a paprika crisp

really yeah yeah really i like paprika really yeah that's interesting

i like when they put it on fries there as well okay yeah i understand yeah i can see that yeah i'm not i'm not a big paprika fan.

I have to say, well, I suppose we have vinegar, don't we?

And they have paprika.

If you had one um

herbal spice for the rest of your life, what would you choose?

Oh, this is a new that's a whole lot other parts.

No, this is him trying to trying to say the ingredient I'm not allowed to say, which you guys don't like.

I don't think it is.

I really would be so sneaky, Richards.

If I could have one herbal spice, oh, that's a really good question.

Gosh, hmm, name some spices.

I really like thyme.

I like like rosemary with thyme, it's lovely.

Okay.

Rosemary and thyme with like lamb, rosemary and thyme.

That's a nice thing.

But salt, I guess.

That's the only answer we all truly have.

Yeah, I love salt.

It's the best, right?

Yeah, it really is the best.

Whenever people are mossy say, I'm going to put a little bit of margarine on this, you think, yeah, just put some salt in it.

Honestly, everyone would be much happy.

Just put some salt and some butter.

Salted butter.

Mmm, salted butter.

It's nice, isn't it?

But yeah, so mint vienetta.

Mint Vienetta.

I don't see anything beating it.

Again, if Heston came up with a mint Vienetta.

How much do you think you'd eat in one sitting week, Bennett?

A whole one.

You could eat a whole one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Would you take...

Especially in the dream restaurant.

Yeah, because of course I'm there, yeah.

Would you take it slice by slice or would you just sit down and get a spoon?

No, I think slice of a cipher, but I think slice by slice for some decorum.

But so, yeah, I mean, you could get, yeah, listen, it's tricky.

Obviously, I wouldn't eat a full one, but in this dream restaurant, that would be a reason to go.

Like when I was a kid and you buy Panini stickers, right?

And the dream then is always you always buy one pack at a time so you've got no money and the dream is always to go into the news agent and get a whole box get the box yeah which I did as an adult you know I went into thing and I've still got it completely unopened so I thought that's a little present yeah to 11 year old me that's my little gift and I always keep it

and the same way that a child me would have like gone if I could eat a whole mint Viennetta yes that was it I could die happy I probably would die but I would die happy and this you've given me that perfect opportunity in this dream restaurant where I don't get full was there

for me I always think that kind of stuff as a kid.

That's what I wanted to do.

And nowadays I don't do that as an adult.

But there was a time, late teens, early 20s, where I was doing that stuff all the time.

Because you realise that no one's telling you you can't do it.

No one's telling me what I can't do.

And I didn't know anything about

any health risks or anything of doing that kind of stuff.

So I was eating like a tub of ice cream,

I don't know, two or three times a week.

I'd get a full tub.

And also

you don't put on weight.

Yeah, weirdly.

See, I was doing that sort of stuff and being a big fat boy.

Yeah, same.

I used to,

you know, I lived an hour from any of my friends, and I was always walking around eating ice cream.

Well, the walking around, though, was helpful.

It was helpful.

Yeah, if sitting down and eating ice cream is better, walking around eating ice cream, you're all right.

I wasn't doing it at the same time.

I'd walk there, eat the ice cream, and then walk back.

That's all two hours walking.

Didn't you recently go to a party and buy a full tub of ice cream from the shop and then borrow someone's spoon from the house party and then walk home eating a tub of ice cream and threw the spoon in a bush.

Yes.

I think the one question we all have is: what flavour was it?

Yeah, good question.

It was, oh, it was peanut butter, cut men, and joke.

That's my favourite.

That's my favourite.

That is, I'm so glad you said that.

I've got awesome.

Beautiful answer.

Yeah, that is a great question.

That is amazing.

You get it though.

It's got like the little

miniature.

Oh, my God.

Most of them are really big chunks in there.

It's incredible.

My mum made when we were kids, or she still makes it now at Christmas, but this,

obviously a homemade peanut butter cups.

It's called peanut butter slice.

It's like a tray bake.

Oh, no.

And then she started putting it in ice cream and we called it peanut butter slice cream.

Oh,

it was the best dessert.

But it was a bit of a mess.

I met your mum.

And next time I met your mum, I saw the muscle about that.

Yeah, because my mum was what you were saying about people always remarking on how tall you are, even though it's obvious how you used to say it.

My mum, very loudly, right next to you while you were talking to my dad, said how tall you were to me.

He's so tall.

No, it's okay.

Sometimes I do need to be remote.

I apologize, Richard.

It was out of order.

I thought it was fine.

Listen,

she's a great woman.

She's the inventor of the peanut butter.

Slice cream.

Peanut butter, slice cream.

Yeah, that's correct.

They liked meeting you very much.

Well, my I've told Richard this in the past, but my family are a bit obsessed with him anyway because I did insert name here with Richard,

which is a team captain.

Yeah.

And it's always a different name each time.

It was Charlie, who's my nephew.

So I was trying to do a joke that Charlie had written for me.

But I'd said at the start of the show what joke I was going to do.

So then Richard got there before me and did the joke himself.

And

then my nephew was allowed to watch that.

He's only five at the time.

And he was allowed to watch it.

Now anytime...

And I was like, I was saying,

we went to get ice cream actually as a family in an ice cream shop yeah there was a Oscar Robbins there wasn't it was uh Chin Chin Labs and there was a this high shelf that uh kids could climb up and get on if they were crafty enough he climbed up on there and he said to me am I as tall as your friend now and I didn't know who was talking about because I'm involved in this like home conversation with his mum and dad I was like I don't know what you mean I'm as tall as your friend it was for ages and then my sister had to come along oh he's talking about Richard Osmond if he's as tall as Richard Osborne so Richard just did his joke and he's

a lot of good man it's a good gag though yeah every time he's tall he asks every time he climbs up somewhere high and he asks am I as tall as your friend now yeah

yes you are

I mean listen a great gagsmith but doesn't understand heights does he no no no no explain that to him

we haven't done drink

you must be thirsty

so you've got you've got water yes that's it and you've got your tap water going but what do you what are you drinking with this meal um that's a tricky one i'm listening i'm one of those people if I'm really honest I don't really like alcohol.

I drink I drink it I drink plenty of it and I've really learned to go oh yeah I would really like to have some wine

Yeah, I really would and I really like being drunk.

I love being drunk.

I'm a properly good drunk so I like it.

But you know, it wouldn't be my first choice.

My first choice like sort of my first choice would be Diet Coke.

Isn't that awful?

It just awful.

Because I drink so much of it.

I like it a lot.

You know?

Why do we like it?

I'll tell you why I like it.

Okay.

I stopped drinking, well,

I stopped drinking caffeine in 2013.

Yeah.

And

although, like, I didn't know that, but

I stopped drinking Coke in general.

Yeah.

And then I thought, even though there's caffeine in it, I'll allow myself some Diet Coke.

But this was like four years later.

So I hadn't had any Coke, anything that tasted like Coca-Cola.

I hadn't done it.

And then Diet Coke now tastes like Coke used to.

It doesn't taste like it.

Before, I'd be like, this tastes like a bad version of Coke.

But now I'm like, this is what Coca-Cola tastes tastes like, and I can't tell the difference.

I've never really drunk normal Coke, so

I taste the diet for a long time.

But I've always

went about two years without drinking it at all because one assumes that if you imagine that you're, you should always imagine you're in a sci-fi film in a given time.

One assumes when they look back on this time, they'll go, and they were drinking the

fizzy brown stuff that killed them.

And they were literally, they were going to the shops and do it themselves.

They were killing themselves deliberately.

They were doing it.

And to me,

the kind of product that would.

So, I went a couple of years without it, but then you're back on it, it's just great, yeah.

But it'sn't weird, but that's that's a good pairing for your meal.

I think you think so because if you're drinking wine throughout that, you know, you get to the Vienetta and you'd be drinking a red wine with Vienetta.

I think it doesn't go well together, whereas Diet Coke goes with everything, it really does, doesn't it?

Like lemon, which goes with everything, yeah.

What do you think of the flavoured Diet Coke that they bought out all the different ones?

Right, well, I'll turn you out.

Take us through them, cherry Diet Coke.

I didn't use to mine, but then they added like

a a kick to it chili this fiery chili one did you know yeah

and I had that I just thought this is not this is like yeah it's not catching in my throat I don't like it uh the vanilla I didn't like I thought it was too vanilla um peach by too vanilla do you mean the vanilla flavor was too strong or it was too warm or it's too vanilla

both too strong and too weak

um and I think I when I was I was over in Japan recently and I had a Coke

what was it called Coke Plus, I think it was, which is supposed to be really good for you.

It's supposed to be like a health Coke.

Right.

And it was really nice, it just tasted like normal Coke, but it's like a health, so it was like makes you better.

I can't remember how, but I looked it up, obviously.

I looked it up, and they said, Oh, it's going to make you better.

It's like a kind of like Uber miracle Coke.

Why is that?

That's not a normal Coke now.

They should just do that everywhere.

Yeah, that just tastes the same.

Well, they should certainly bring it over.

Yeah.

And it was clear, like Tab used to be.

Oh, great.

So that was

water.

Oh, hold on a minute.

And it wasn't fizzy.

So that was good.

So the normal cherry coke, I don't mind.

They did a lemon and lime coke for a while, which is pretty good.

But yeah, I don't really like the flavours, I'm going to be honest with you.

I liked cherry until they changed it and gave it that little kick.

I like Cherry Pepsi Max.

That's one of my favourite drinks.

It's quite, yeah, it feels like that about you.

Yeah.

I mean, listen, I can drink.

It makes me feel dirty drinking that.

That to me is like the kind of, that's the sort of, you know, someone who's a drug addict and then goes on to heroin.

Yeah.

and you kind of go, Yeah, that listen, mate, that's now a step too far, yeah.

And I think that with cherry uh Pepsi Max, because they do it in slightly bigger bottles, yeah, as well, 500 mil.

We're gonna give you 33% more of this thing.

That really, if you if you stop for one second to think about what you're actually tasting, you go, What the it's very simple.

What am I doing?

What is this?

But I still like it sometimes, but not, it doesn't make me feel good about myself.

Classic Diet Coke with the meal, uh, Coke Zero, Coke Zero, yeah, yeah, oh, sorry, I should have said that.

You're hard, yes, sorry, yeah big man on campus yes why do you choose coke zero over diet coke well i i often think that

somewhere somewhere way up above us there are giants in white coats yeah looking down every time i go into a news agent and buy a like put back a diet coke and pick out a cook zero someone in that white coat in a microscope going fascinating how fascinating

Because of course there's no other than you know, the thing is black, isn't it?

And it's a bit more boisey.

Yeah, that's a good thing.

Isn't that a pathetic, what a pathetic species?

You don't want to buy a Diet Coke of it, the news agent's thinking.

Oh, someone's buying a Diet Coke.

Yeah, I just think, no, it's a bit more kind of, yeah, I'm just more comfortable with it.

But that's why Coke Zero is basically, they brought it in because it was supposed to be like a manly Diet Coke.

Yeah, and it's listening, and it's a work of genius because we are idiots.

And it doesn't affect my behaviour in other ways, I don't think.

But, you know, and that tiny little outskirt of my personality, which is, do I want the thing that is one percent more manly or one percent more womanly?

I think, no, I'm going, I think I'm going to go for the manly.

Well, no, that's too far because they expressly said they're for men.

No, whoa, whoa, whoa, exactly.

Not cool.

No, thank you.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I will not be doing that.

But something where I still, you know, yeah, no, listen,

I'm a slave to

my genetics, I suppose.

There it is.

Heard of.

You know, I i am who i am

make you feel bad about that yeah what a coke is coke zero you know at least you're prepared to admit i'd probably got more um you know i'd have gone after you more if you were trying to pretend it was for any other reason oh yeah no i think it tastes the same yeah yeah i think i assume it does

i mean i've honestly my taste buds are so broken by years of drinking diet coke that it's uh you know i think some people buy coke zero because they're because the the name it's a good name makes it think makes you think that oh this you know maybe diet coke has got got other stuff in it that is bad.

Yeah.

And this is the ultimate Diet Coke.

No, but it's a really good name.

I mean, honestly, you have to hand it to some marketeers and stuff like that.

Because Diet Coke,

you know, but Coke Zero, they're making it sound like better.

Yeah, better than a normal Coke.

Zero is a cool word because it starts with a Z.

Of course it is.

And you know, it's in lots of computer games and stuff like that.

And you know, you just think, oh, yeah, Coke Zero.

Can you think of a word, any word that begins with a Zed that is not cool?

Zebra.

That's cool.

That's cool.

No, really?

Yeah.

You think?

Zebras Zebras are cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Out of all the animals, it's a cool animal.

Well, I suppose so.

I can picture a zebra won't you?

It's the only animal that makes the self-service tools go beep, isn't it?

When it walks past it, yeah, there you go.

That's pretty cool.

That's a barcode joke.

So any word beginning with Zed.

Yeah, Zap, cool.

Cool.

Zoatrope.

Cool.

Yeah.

Zip, cool.

Yeah, really cool.

Ziploc.

Ziploc, cool.

Zigzag, cool.

Zigzag, really cool.

Right, I can't, right, come on.

A word.

Zidda is not good, but it's stupid on the

cool though, yeah.

It's not on.

There must be other words.

Zit.

Even Zit.

No, no, no, no.

Have I done it?

Yeah.

I think Zit is probably.

It's not cool.

Yeah.

Not a Zit.

That's the word.

It's cooler than Spot.

It's cooler than Spart.

Do you think?

Yeah.

You've got to go, like, relatively speaking.

Okay, we're going to have to wrap it up, unfortunately.

No, that's absolutely fine.

We've come to the end of the podcast and the end of the alphabet.

just read your order back to you make sure i got it right okay uh oh this is oh this is some format go on yeah you would like uh you want it the tap water you want some bread to start and you want it warm with the butter nice and warm as well but not too warm salted um ham and cheese toaster to start uh you want a christmas dinner that's from the 70s that your grandmother or early 80s yeah two two meats uh mac and cheese on the side from burner's tavern where you're gonna go absolutely put in a mint Vienetta and all the way along, you'll be drinking a manly, manly coaxing.

Yes, please.

Oh, what a lovely meal.

I'm full.

Thank you, gentlemen.

That's a lovely choice.

That was so lovely.

No worries.

That's all right, isn't it?

You didn't say the.

No, what were they?

I bet it's coriander.

It was coriander.

Yay!

Don't ever say that again.

You can't say I don't know comedy.

We know what's a room splitter and what isn't.

Yeah, that is a room splitter.

Coriander, big old room splitter.

Thank you very very much.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

Thank you, Jen.

It's very best of luck with it.

I hope it goes from strength to strength.

No, what are you talking about?

The Diet Coke?

Talking about the Coke Zero going from strength to strength.

I bet you wish it was stronger.

Ah, look, it's over now.

Oh, that's a great out.

Let's do that as your out.

Yeah, it's over now.

That's going in.

My genie powers are fading.

Yeah, get back.

Oh, he looks, he looks so pale.

Get back in your lamp.

Oh, goodbye.

And then he disappeared.

I've got into a lamp now for the listeners.

I've got into a lamp.

Bye-bye, everyone.

Bye, everybody.

richard osmond there oh

so much food

what a lovely episode that was

really good episode he's very insightful you know you know you're getting started on any subject he'll tell you about it let me tell you it was a good choice for all the beals i thought christmas dinner was an inspired choice for uh main course

yeah and what is good is that people can't choose the same ones as other people on other episodes so even though he's he's just kind of done the best answer anyone could ever give, it's all downhill from here.

No one else can do it.

And what's good about having Richard Osmond on is he really picks holes in the format.

Yeah, yeah, he knows how to.

He really ranks over the format, and fair play to him.

But I think he's confused holes in the format with,

you know, his inability to

nail his answers.

I would actually say that

the so-called holes in the format are actually just wonderful avenues for discussion.

Yeah.

And also he said the side wasn't a good idea, and then picked mac and cheese, which is the best side choice we've had.

Yeah, especially with Christmas dinner.

Yeah.

Very, very good.

So, but what a wonderful guest.

What a wonderful guest.

He didn't say coriander.

No, and in fact, he saw what we were pushing for.

Yeah, he even knew.

You were pretty blatant with that, though, to be honest.

Yeah, I was trying to get him to.

Yeah.

Just wanted to kick him out of the restaurant for fun.

Yeah.

Picking on you so much, you know.

We'll be back next week when our guest is Theresa May, the Prime Minister of England.

Yeah.

But if she cancels, it'll be someone else that we know.

Dear friend of ours.

Goodbye and bon appetite.

Bon Appetit.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then-current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.