Ep 4: Nish Kumar (Christmas Special)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Jingle bells, Boxing Day, Off Menu Podcast.

Hello.

Very good, Ed.

Hello.

Hello, James.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, Christmas special on the most Christmassy of days, Boxing Day.

Doesn't get more Christmassy than Boxing Day.

It is the peak of Christmas.

Quick explanation of the podcast.

Have we got new seasonal listeners, James?

We're going to be asking our guests their favourite, ever, starter, main course, side, drink, and dessert.

And today's guest is Nish Kumar.

Nish Kumar is here for the Christmas special.

Very exciting.

He's a special boy.

He's special in our hearts.

He's our friend.

And so...

Who better to have on the special than our special friend, Nish?

Now, every week on the Off Many podcast, we have a secret ingredient.

Yes, if the guest says this secret ingredient, we will kick them out of the magical restaurant.

And the secret ingredient for the Christmas special is gold.

It's gold.

So will Nish put gold in any of his mates?

Whenever you see on a fancy cooking show and some newbie upstart puts some gold flake or something on a dessert or something like that, and you know it tastes of nothing and it's such a waste of gold.

It's so stupid that they're doing it.

I'm sick of it, I want it out.

And obviously, it's Christmas Eve because of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

That's why we've included it in this.

And I'm going to put it out there.

I think it's unlikely that Nish will put gold on any of his dream courses.

I've not seen him eating gold much, and you know, he knows that he doesn't go with his brand to come on this and go, Yeah, I'm going to eat loads of gold on my Christmas dinner.

I want a bit of gold on my blood diamonds.

Yeah.

So that's Nish laughing in the background.

He's supposed to be keeping quiet.

also, on this episode, it bears saying that Nish is going to be choosing his favorite Christmas meal, yes, because it's Christmas, it's Christmas.

Uh, now, if you've not subscribed to this, bloody subscribe to it, leave it a review.

But now, let's crack on with the main meaty topics of Nish Podcumar

of the Nish Kumar on the podcast, Bon Apetique.

Oh, Nish Kumar.

Green Giant.

Is that what you were doing?

Yeah.

All of that.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Nishmas.

What was that?

Me appearing.

Was that Christmassy?

You appearing suddenly?

Yeah, because I'm a genie.

Why are you a Christmas genie?

Yeah, Christmas genie.

That's why I'm coming in Tensil right now.

I'm glad I've got Nish here now, because me and Nish will very much occupy the same brain space on this.

I can just take a break and let Nish have a go at you for deciding to be a genie, let alone a Christmas genie, which is not a thing.

Also, I've very much added Christmas genie to try and rationalise what he could possibly be writing.

Right.

No, he's a genie waiter in this podcast.

Yes.

Oh, right, okay.

A genie waiter in this podcast, and now I'm a Christmas genie waiter.

What makes you a Christmas genie?

I'm covered in tensile.

I've got a Santa hat on.

Yeah.

And I came out of a stocking.

Came out of a stocking.

I rubbed a stocking and you came out.

Yes, I rubbed a stocking and I came out of it.

That doesn't happen when I rubber stocking.

Well, yeah?

Very blue.

What early doors?

Very blue early doors.

Hey, come on.

Can I just ask, do you have the stocking over your dick?

Is that what you're implying?

No, that has to be.

Sorry, they're having a fucking Christmas party outside.

Mum and dad have a ride for Christmas.

No, no, they've caught me rubbing a stocking.

It's not what it looks like.

If I'm not what it looks like.

I was trying to fuck it.

I was trying to push the presence in deeper.

I was wearing the stocking because I was imagining my leg was a lady's leg.

Thank you for coming on the podcast, Nish.

Welcome.

No problem.

Welcome to

the Christmas restaurant.

Oh, the lovely Christmas restaurant.

It's a magical restaurant.

That's why I'm a genie, Nish.

TGI Christmas.

Yes.

TGI Christmas.

Is that what we're calling it?

Yeah.

You can call it whatever you like.

TGI Christmas.

You can.

Thank God that it's Christmas.

That's true.

It's his birthday.

Yeah.

Not God's birthday.

I don't understand your monotheistic nonsense.

I'll explain it too quickly.

As a genie, I'm very learned in the ways of Christianity.

Because genies are a Christian thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your understanding of Aladdin is very interesting to me.

John the Baptist was a genie, wasn't he?

He was a genie.

He was a genie, yeah.

John the Genie Baptist.

He used to be called John the Genie.

I know he started baptising people.

I wanted to be called John the Baptist.

That was like, okay, but it kind of doesn't, it kind of glosses over the whole fact that you're a genie, though.

It's like, yeah, I know, but really, I feel like baptise is my main thing now.

My true calling.

And if anyone writes a book about this sort of time period, can they leave out the genies to have a genie?

I don't say I'm a genie.

I'm trying to leave all that behind me.

Okay, well, I'll try and put it in the subtext, though.

I think people need to, hopefully, people will pick up on it.

Because you are a genie.

So, yeah, Jesus's birthday, Nish.

It is Jesus' birthday.

And God doesn't have a birthday.

But they're technically the same person.

Sure.

Are they?

Them and the Holy Spirit.

The Father, the Son, Son, and the Holy Spirit, yeah.

It's all one.

Why don't you know anything about Christianity?

Well, I do, but

I think I've always was always taught that Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit were the same, but then other people have told me different, that Jesus is literally God's Son.

Listen, lads, what you want to do is get a whole bunch of gods.

Some of them blue, some of them have weapons.

Not blue like Ed.

Blue like literally they're blue.

There's not a...

There's not a saucy Hindu god.

Yeah.

There's not a Hindu god.

It's like, ooh, ooh-uh.

I didn't believe I heard that.

That was a shame.

What did you say?

You said not blue, like head, literally blue.

And I said, like me, because I'm a genie.

For God's sake.

Yeah, so there's not a blue like...

No, no, there isn't like Hindu god.

There's no like carry-on Hinduism.

Yeah.

Look, I think it's all great.

I don't have a problem with it.

I actually don't have a problem with any of it.

Yeah, you have a problem with any of it.

When I go, I could say that in Christmas.

Look, and this is the Christmas special, but, you know, we should probably call it the seasonal special.

Yeah, no, I don't call it that, because if we call it that, then all the right-wingers will start moaning.

We're not going to say Christmas anymore.

You can't even say Christmas.

Well, they can.

I'm just choosing not to.

I think if you've been trying to not upset the right-wingers, you may have invited the wrong guest on to your Christmas special.

I haven't any research into this, but I think we're in the.

We're fine.

I think we're all safe crap.

I've been winning the clear.

Anyway, welcome to the Christmas special.

This holiest of holiest.

Merry Christmas!

Holiest

festivals.

Good fun.

May I take your coat?

Sure.

Any restaurants?

Hang it up in my special genie.

Yeah, do I get?

Yep, you get a little tag here.

Thank you very much.

There you go.

Memorise that.

It's not a number, it's a symbol.

Little symbol.

And he's got to memorise it for some reason.

Memorise it.

It's not on the tag.

Well, most people accidentally eat the tag at some point during the evening, so I just suggest that they memorise it.

It's two fish jumping out of a box of Frosties.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's your...

No one else has that.

We've got a lot of Coates butter there, so we really started to run out of symbols.

Yeah.

The triangle went years ago.

This is why a lot of people

opt for sort of numbers.

Yeah, yeah.

Because there's a lot of numbers, in fairness.

Numbers go on forever, which is what Ed brought up with our initial meeting starting this restaurant, but I said to him, so do symbols, and he had no comeback for that.

And now I'm having to remember two fish jumping out of a box of Frosties.

Still, you remembered it.

you just said it again it happened literally a minute ago it's ingrained in your mind

if i hadn't been able to remember that it would have suggested some seasonal brain damage yeah which you know hopefully uh will not

i look my favorite bit of banter is when it dies

when i realize i can't say something

first of all yeah we should ask nish if he's a foodie

but i think we know that we know that already but the listeners i mean if we do a podcast about stuff that we know, then the podcast is over now.

Yeah, that's true.

If this is what we know about Nish, we don't only ask Nish stuff that we don't know about him, yeah.

Then this podcast is at a high risk of uh

disappearing up its own backside, given that at various points you we have all lived together, yes, sure, including one point where we all did live together, yeah, yeah, for one month when I

had a broken heart.

James lived on our sofa bed for a month.

Yep.

Was a wonderful house guest.

He was a wonderful house guest.

I mean, the first night was one of the bleakest things I've ever seen when you ate a whole Domino's pizza and Ed ate a whole tub of ice cream.

No, I think the thing is, I was having one of my nights in by myself, which I used to look forward to.

I'd make a steak.

I'd get a bottle of wine.

I'd watch a film.

I'd sit up at the table properly and watch a film.

No one else was in.

You were out, I believe, Nisha, a gig.

And then get a little knock on the door and it's a little orphan boy

very christmassy actually it felt quite christmassy it was snowing outside little jimmy a caster little jimmy a castor his his crutches on his crutches and he was shivering please mr ed i've got myself a broken heart

i've already ordered a dominoes to this address

please let me in and i would and i let i have a warm heart and i let him in from the cold to come and warm his hands on my heart.

And yeah, I believe you had the dominoes, you maybe had some ice cream as well.

I believe I had to go to the shop at some point and buy myself another bottle of wine.

Yeah, yeah, because you needed it to

get through the night, get through all the heartbreak I was talking about.

This is how tender James was within the breakup.

I was watching a film, The Raid, I was watching, and James came over and I paused it and he sat down and we were chatting.

And then he looked around at the screen.

He was like, oh, me and my girlfriend went to see that.

oh yeah

we went to see the maid and she was like it's not gonna be violent is it and i said i don't think it is

it was really violent oh one of the most violent films

the plot is so

there's no pause between this violence from wall to wall yeah

So we have all lived together, so we've got to bear that in mind for the listener that they may not get some of our more sophisticated in-jokes so i am a foodie yes yes um as we know i i come from a food family my i this is a thing i don't think i don't know if either of you know my grandfather used to run restaurants i didn't know that i didn't know that either this grandfather used to run curry houses in leicester when he was an accountant for uh when he first moved here from kenya and then he but his dream was to own uh open restaurants and so he probably when he was about

i mean i was about to say when he was much older, on reflection, if I really think about it, probably when he was the age I am now, he quit his job and opened an Indian restaurant.

What was it called?

That's so cool.

It's one of two.

I can never remember the order.

He had one called the Raj and one called the Taj.

And then, and he ran those, he moved from one to the other and then he ran a greasy spoon.

That was his last job before he retired.

He bought a cafe in Leicester and like it was a proper like...

called the garage.

It was called the garage.

Fully assimilated.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's full assimilation.

When you said they were called the Raj and Taj,

my first thought was Rodden Todd Flanders.

Raj and Taj Place.

Well, that's amazing.

So you've got, you know,

family history and yeah, it's very much in my, it's very much in my blood.

And like, it's one of those things that I think if

pushed, my cousin and I and my uncle have always idly talked about the idea of opening a restaurant as being a sort of weird family dream.

What kind of restaurant would it be?

Probably Indian food, probably.

But which is getting difficult now because the quality of Indian food, we've always had good Indian food in Britain, but at the minute there's lots of really good stuff, and also there's quite a wide variety of Indian food available.

Yeah, more fusion stuff as well.

More fusion stuff.

Really high-end, like fine dining stuff.

Which was

was always the thing that they could never get right like high-end the good indian restaurants were always the sort of authentic ones so they're a little bit yeah sort of down dirty and usually in areas where there were large sort of population centers for the asian community in the last couple of years there's a couple of restaurants in london jim karna and trishna that have really nailed high-end high-end indian food used to basically be tasteless indian food like it was just tasteless indian food food in a nice bowl.

And it was like the the food was always garbage.

But now high now they've got high-end Indian food as well.

So I think it would be it would be a a challenge.

But yeah, I mean that would be a sort of idle dream of mine.

What would you name it?

Well, probably, I mean,

Nicki Minaj.

Yeah, I would call it Nicki Minaj.

Well, Raj Taj and then you'd need Naj and Marj.

Yeah.

Annoyingly, when you did Maude Flanders with Aj, it would turn into Marge, which is

Yeah, I call it the Marge.

Due to my love of The Simpsons and Indian food, I call it the Raj, the Taj, and the Marge.

M-A-J?

M-A-J.

Lovely.

The Raj in Ketterin is one of my favourite Indian restaurants.

I love it so much.

Hometown.

I think everyone's got their local hometown coffee house that they just love.

Yeah.

And you take up the people there.

Being like, I've got to take you to it.

And then they just sit there going, this is the same as most places I've been to.

Because it means more to you.

Yeah, exactly.

Because where you

discovered discovered all these dishes and grew up.

Where I grew up in Rains Park, the delivery we got was from the House of Spice.

Yeah.

Always get it from the House of Spice.

Absolutely delicious.

And I thought, well, it's the House of Spice.

That's a name for a restaurant, isn't it?

It's like, oh, the House of Spice.

That's a good name.

And then I went to eat there once.

And it's called the House of Spice because it's literally a house.

So it's just, it's a residential road.

And in the middle of these houses is an Indian restaurant called the House of Spice.

Brilliant.

I didn't know that you could just put a restaurant in the middle of a residential road.

Well, but the first time,

not maybe

one of the first times I spent an extended period of time in Mumbai, my cousin took me to a restaurant that he said was a restaurant.

And when we arrived there, it was just a shack out the back of the Taj in Mumbai, which is the...

sort of famous all-night hotel.

And it's called Buddy Mia's.

And it was this bloke who used to work in a restaurant.

And he was the chef.

And the owner of the building building was basically like paying him at quite a low wage and he was like, look, everyone's coming here for my food.

I want more money.

And the owner was like, no, they love the building.

So sling your hook.

So he, in one of the greatest pieces of trolling, before it was even called that, moved next door, bought a little shack.

It's not even, it's not, there's no seating, it's a shack.

And he has two dishes and he cooks food on the dishes and it became the hottest restaurant in Mumbai.

Amazing.

And people eat off their.

So, when we went,

we pulled up in my cousin's car, and this bloke came over and popped the bonnet and put a Coke bottle down.

And so it was a flat surface, and we ate off of that like it was a dining table.

Wow, that's amazing!

That's so cool.

Food is insane.

Yeah, it is absolutely insane.

I mean, it's got to be if they're making you eat off your bonnet.

Yeah,

you've got to bring your egg out.

And also, there's this thing where, like, I think it's probably because it's been around, it doesn't have quite the same, like, it's the food is still amazing.

But, like, when it first opened there would be all these like bollywood stars yeah and sat on like picnic furniture in the street and it just they they just it became so popular they just like shut the street you can't just you just can't get cars down there now the last time i was there there was a dispute going on in an art gallery and the two people were like like liked his food that was pretty much the only thing they could agree on so while the dispute was happening he basically used the the abandoned art gallery and they put a load of tables in there and everybody was eating and we were all being served there the food is ridiculous.

First of all, Nish, can I get you still or sparkling water?

Still water, please.

Why?

Because

I don't feel the need to enhance the taste of water with the sensation of burps.

Right.

You very burpee?

Again, I'm asking a question that I know the answer to.

I don't know why I'm trying to act like I don't know the answer to this.

I'm very burpee, uptown and downtown.

Yeah, I've never really.

That's That's the name of your Christmas single.

Do you want to promote anything?

Yeah, burpee uptown and downtown.

Brackets, uptown and downtown.

Sparkling water surely wouldn't cause downtown burpees.

It might do, but I find the taste of it really pointless.

I enjoy dark water.

I do not need it enhanced.

The only time I have sparkling water is when there's a tap that dispenses it, because I still regard that as low-level witchcraft.

I don't like sparkling water, but when there's a sparkling water tap, that's really cool.

Yeah, I'm the same same with the ice cubes out the fridge door.

Yeah, oh, 100%.

Even on a cold day.

Yeah, it wouldn't normally.

Yeah, it's just straight in.

Straight into that.

I still have not nailed getting ice cubes out the fridge door without getting them on the floor.

I've not done it once.

Every time I try and get ice cubes out the fridge door, I get ice cubes on the floor.

Well, you've not nailed getting water out of the jug on this table because we arrived this morning and you went to pour yourself a glass of water and got, genuinely got quite a lot of water in the plug.

Yeah.

Little tip for everyone.

If there is a four-way adapter on a table surface and you need to use a jug you've never used before, don't put the glass just directly next to the four-way adapter and basically pour water directly into the plug sockets.

Also, Nish, pop it ups or bread, Nish!

Pop it ups or Brett!

What do you think I'm going to say?

I don't know.

Poppin' arms, mate.

Yes, well.

Pop it up.

I'm not an animal.

I do love a bread.

By the way, Nish, I feel like I should point out we ask this to everyone.

Yeah.

And it's always that choice.

Do you ask it with that ferocity?

Yes, I'd like fine, okay?

I do like a bread course, especially when they...

The ferocity it was asked that to you did sound like some sort of immigration test.

You say it quickly and then they'll say their first thought and if they say popadoms, they're out.

They're out, yeah.

Some new post-Brexit harbour-based immigration policy.

I go popadoms just because I do like bread, and I especially like the bread when they get the vinegar in the middle of the oil, which I gain is the sort of thing that I like I love that's a touch that I absolutely love is that witchcraft to you as well the way the yeah the vinegar separates from the oil yeah and also it looks like a ghost it looks like the uh let me tell you something

it looks like a um

what is it they're the fantastic beasts he turns into that monster i don't know i don't know

i don't think ed's seen fantastic beasts and i lost interest in it so i'm not sure either of us not a great touchstone for your balsamic um

tweet in the show.

Let us know what that function beats.

Can I also strongly

recommend tomato balsamic?

Oh.

My girlfriend bought a bottle of it from a farmer's market where she was there on just general sort of

white lady bitches.

She was there on just

some sort of white ladies convention at a farmer's market.

Sure.

And she got some tomato balsamic, and it is delicious.

Very nice, huh?

Really good stuff.

Well, you can have that.

You can have that.

With your poppadoms.

The problem is that I go too hard on the bread, and I find if I go too hard on the poppadums, it doesn't affect me as much.

Yeah.

Okay.

Is there anywhere where you have had the best pop-doms you've ever had?

My.

I feel like this is going to be the answer to a lot of questions, but my gran used to make them.

My gran used to make them.

She doesn't make them anymore, largely because my mum is like...

These are so unhealthy.

I cannot continue feeding them.

But it's like, there's two different types.

So the ones that you get in lots of Indian restaurants are like the flat, thin ones.

The big discos.

The big disc.

And then there's the other ones which are like

filled with air pockets.

They're more like puris than the kind of flat ones.

My grandma used to, when we were kids, used to fry about 20 of them and then just put them on a plate in the middle of the room and just leave them there.

And it was just, we would just constantly, and they would be dripping with grease.

And

as they get fried, they fill up with pockets of air.

So it's like, it's really, it's fluffy and crispy.

Amazing.

Yeah, it's delicious.

Absolutely.

Delicious.

We'll get you a plate of those.

Which brings us on to the starter nish.

What would you like to start?

So one of the things that I really associate.

So this is going to be my first...

quite rogue choice.

Yeah.

For Christmas.

For Christmas.

One of the things I really associate Christmas with is going to Leicester.

When I was a kid, my grandparents lived in Leicester and there used to be, there was a pub called the Owl and the Pussycat round the corner from where my grandparents' house was.

And there must have been, I don't know why they did this.

On reflection, it must be some sort of like

tags dodge, but they used to have a like little shack out the back of the Owl and Pussycat where this Pakistani bloke used to cook kebabs.

And we used to go there and eat his kebabs.

And that was like the start of our Christmas holiday.

It was like eating those kebabs.

You've even had a lot of shacks out the back of places.

Yes, he really is.

He's a shackster.

I'm a shack man.

I'm Shaquille O'Neal.

I'm Shaqmas.

I'm Shaquille O'Neal.

He's Shaquille O'Neal.

Yeah, and

yeah, the sheet kebabs, like the long, thin ones.

Right.

And what meat you eat?

What, what, what?

Lamb.

You see having some lamb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was special about them?

Why were they the best ones?

You associated it with Christmas?

Yeah, I associate it with my my family, I think, more than anything else.

I think it's eating at Christmas time is one of the few times where I don't eat in restaurants.

Like Christmas is one of the only times.

So it's like...

It's a time for family.

It's a time for shacks.

It's a time for...

Yeah, it's a time for Shack by its family trees.

You have any sauce on this?

Yeah, there's tomato and mint chutney.

Oh, I'm so excited.

It's making me so ridiculous.

I love a good chutney.

Really delicious.

Chutney is one of those.

I did not like chutney as a kid, mainly because the first chutney I had had raisins in it.

Right.

And I was like that with Coles Store for a bit as well.

Anything with raisins is in it, and it shouldn't be.

I don't know.

I don't like it.

I don't like raisins and cold stores.

Raisins and rice.

Yeah, yeah.

Real winds me up.

I didn't like the raisins in that chutney, so I was like, I don't like chutney.

But then you have a good tomato chutney.

Yeah.

Holy moly.

Amazing.

There's so many different types of Chutney as well.

Also, in the area of

writing about food, the Salmon Rushdie novel Midnight's Children is obviously a great book on a number of different levels, but it's a great Chutney book.

A lot of that book, surprisingly, given it's one of the most critically acclaimed texts of the late 20th century, a lot of that book is about making Chutney.

It doesn't matter.

It's actually a job.

After he released that book, there was a fatwa taken out by the salsa industry.

that guy just can't get anything right oh no no salsa doesn't load me

i can't believe big salsa's on the hunt i just went about chucking off it was safe

we have uh every christmas in my house we have a starter that um i've never met anyone who has this starter every christmas day

it's um half an avocado with

stones out and then this prawns and garlic mary rose kind of sauce.

Very, very traditional.

Yeah.

Not for Christmas necessarily, but very traditional, like 70s.

Yeah, it's like Bernie Inn dish.

Yeah,

that's where the stone should be.

You put that there.

I mean, that sounds delicious.

Some paprika on the top.

Oh, really?

Every Christmas we have it, yeah.

And like for years, I didn't, you know, I wasn't seeing this anywhere else.

Yeah.

And then suddenly the avocados came in again, and everyone was eating that kind of stuff.

Yeah.

And you get like porn and avocados.

It sounds really good.

Yeah, it's the sort of thing you'd see in like

a 70s cookbook.

The sort of stuff that fell out of favour but looks really delicious.

Yeah.

Like the sort of thing you would have in like a Cavery or like that sort of British cooking.

Right, okay.

Like, oh, avocados.

How harsh.

It's one of those Christmas things now that if my parents stopped doing it, me and my brother and sister would kick it off.

Yeah, really kick off.

We'd be so angry about it.

Where's avoid open avocados?

Yeah, it's like why most people, if they're honest, have stockings way longer than they should.

Yeah.

Because like the first year your parents go, well, we're too old for them now, we won't do them.

You really kick off about it it's the same with my grandma's christmas ham

which is every year phenomenal massive gammon with just the right amount of fat on it and honey glazed and it's but it's like it's not honey glazed actually it's like brown it's like this brown sugar glaze and it tastes so good and then one year she was like oh well we're not coming down this year to see for christmas so you won't want a ham will you

Fucking bring that ham.

Better bring that goddamn ham, grandma.

You're not getting in the door.

In the end, we managed to manipulate a situation where we could go and get a ham from them and bring it back.

Because my mum's tried to do the ham in the past, and we both agreed it just doesn't have the same magic touch.

So, did your grandmother make the ham?

Well, I mean, the pig, I guess, makes the ham in Italy.

Yeah, full credit to the pig.

Respect to the pigs.

Point of the sky.

Take a moment to remember the pig.

Happy boxer day, everyone.

Respect to the pigs.

But did your nun make the ham at her house?

Yeah, she collected it from the gun.

She made it at her house, I believe, I think we just got her to come down slightly earlier in the year

for something else.

And we're like, come down, we'd love to see you.

Clever.

Or just send the ham.

What do you start with in your Christmas dinners?

Because listen, let's face it, Ed Gamble's mother, Anne Gamble.

Great lady?

Great lady.

Also

one of the great roast makers.

She's a great roast maker.

I didn't know that.

Excellent, excellent roast.

But I think everyone considers their mother to be a great roast maker.

Sure.

Wouldn't you say?

No, mama makes good roasts.

So our Christmas Days...

Suspicious silence from Nish Ko Mother.

Yeah, yeah.

If Bina's listened to this, you're in so much trouble.

Bina doesn't really...

Sit there going, oh, okay.

You can occasionally do a roast, but like Bina's forte is

in Indian cooking.

Yeah, she's got other strengths.

She's an absolute wizard.

She's really perfected an outstanding lamb curry that she's rocking a lot at the moment.

I always wanted, every time Nish mentions something that his relatives could have, like, please let me eat this.

I've been trying to get myself an invite to Carola for years.

I mean, it's not like I'm hardly being subtle, Nish jumping in.

You could just pop around there, James.

I mean, without wishing to give away too much geographical location, you live alarmingly close to my parents now.

That is true, actually.

I'm sure they'd welcome you with open arms.

Yeah, I would.

Anyway, we have ham in the breakfast.

You have ham for breakfast?

Yeah, so we have the ham

fried eggs for me.

Your toast.

Your nan ham.

So nan ham.

Yeah,

nan ham for breakfast.

Nan bread.

Fried eggs and toast.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

Delicious.

Ham.

Fried eggs toast.

Normal sort of Christmas dinner.

Turkey, all the trimmings.

Right.

But without a starter, because you've had the ham for breakfast.

Don't have a starter, mate.

Although, actually, not true.

So we'll have our Christmas dinner at about three.

Maybe at around two,

1.45.2,

we'll have little bleenies with smoked salmon and cream cheese on them.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And a couple of glasses of champagne.

And then three o'clock, big sit-down

Christmas roast.

That's what they're called, Blanies.

Bleenies, yeah, little Blanche.

I misheard.

I just heard a thing recently.

Someone came out of my house and they bought some of them and made some up.

I texted her and said, Thanks for the blimmies.

Just realized that.

Thanks for the blimmies.

Oh, I've only just realised that I didn't even get, she didn't even pull me up on it.

Oh, no.

Thanks for the blimmies.

B-L-I-M-M-I-E-S.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you've gone two feet into that.

Thanks for the blimmies.

A very hard, hard M, not even a blind M.

To be fair,

if I brought bleedies to your house and then you said texted me saying thanks for the blimmies, I'd be like, well, that wacky James A.

Yeah, people big on messing around, right?

That's that's the safety net.

Thank God, people,

your brand is weird.

Yeah, yeah, because it does mean that it covers a lot of your administrative faux parts.

But I genuinely thought they were blimmies until Ed just said blimmies.

Oh, I just misheard it all night.

So we have uh we have blimmies and smokes

yeah Christmas blimbo crimbo blimbo

blimbo so yeah your crimbo blimbos and then

turkey and then Christmas pudding right okay full cheese plate in the evening

he knows I don't like cheese plates

Actually, I do like eating cheese and biscuits, but it's not

in place of a dessert and to be fair you were having a Christmas pudding there so I'll let that slide

he's pushing my buttons and he knows it

early doors.

It's only only the start.

I'm just pushing my buttons.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are in this economy.

Next time, check Lyft.

On your main niche.

My main course.

Okay, so the last few years, normally I'm in, I'm often in India for Christmas.

But when I'm here and I have a full whack Christmas dinner, my cousin normally makes Christmas dinner.

And he insists on making goose, which everyone was a bit down on from the beginning because you're like, let's have turkey.

I'm here to tell you.

I'm a goose convert.

Christmas goose.

Yeah.

Absolutely delicious.

And so he does two big meat things.

He does a goose, and then he does that.

I think it's a Nigella Lawson recipe, the Coke-soaked ham.

Oh, yeah.

Right, okay, yeah, yeah.

Those two, that's your double whammy for your main course.

And it is a Christmas, little Christmas miracle.

Any

secret with the goose?

Does he do anything particular to it?

That's like...

He cooks it for, I mean, I think the technical term is

fucking ages.

fucking ages like it is in there for absolutely hours like yeah so I think it's I think it's something to do with whatever the

low and slow and slow yeah but but the coke ham which is another thing when he said to me I was like this is absolute nonsense yeah the coke ham is delicious that was a big thing I remember when the coke ham started yeah everyone talked about it everyone was like have you heard this is it a Nigela Lawson recipe I think it's Lawson or it has she popularized it yeah i think like it was like that's when everyone started talking about it and it being this thing of like yeah because is it but it's just sugar it's just sugar still so it's just branding put this out yeah it's very trendy right okay but it's just i just don't i just don't want my grandmother listening to this yeah everyone banging on about the coke ham we all know the best is just the brown sugar glaze because that's so it must be it's achieved presumably it's achieving the same effect it's an easier way of achieving the same effect yeah but you can call it coke ham and be all trendy It doesn't sound trendy, does it?

No, Coke Ham sounds like the Coke ham sounds like an unkind nickname for Piers Morgan.

Going back to the food podcast.

Please not make this about your agenda.

This rivalry has got to stop between this and Piers Morgan.

Calling him Gammon.

It was, I mean, yeah, it's the sort of thing that I am instinctively against.

And there's my tech.

We know this yeah

we're not inside

but as soon as you taste it you're like yeah to be fair that is delicious i've not had it but i can imagine it works

coke ham goose roast potatoes everyone pretends to eat the everyone pretends well no he makes brussels sprouts and he has this real thing where he's like don't worry because i because brussels sprouts are like small hard farts and he's like oh no not like you the way i make them is delicious and you're like Yeah, that is true.

The way you make them is delicious is because he fries them with pancetta, right?

You're eating, you're eating pancetta, you're eating pancetta, you're eating pancetta with an unpleasant aftertaste, yeah, yeah, sure.

Also, a little insight into Nisha's mind there that he does think of everything in terms of farts, yeah.

How much is that going to make me fart?

That's what I'm going to call it.

Russell sprouts are, yeah, are disgusting unless they're fried in.

Yeah, it'd be much more popular if he had a big bowl of bacon.

Yeah.

But the problem is, you're also having the, I mean, what can only be described as weapons to bait the Jewish and Muslim community, which is the pigs in black, the sausages wrapped in bacon.

Yeah, the pigs in black.

You're having those on the side as well.

Yeah.

So, I mean, already you've got three meats.

I think if you whack a butt full bowl of bacon on there, it becomes unpalatable.

Well, especially open to butchers at that point.

Does he put bacon on the goose to cook it?

No.

So

that's what Anne Gamble will do.

Oh, that's what Gamble could.

Cook the turkey for a long time with strips of bacon on the top.

Oh, does the bacon get it?

To keep it moist, and it goes so crispy.

And then, like the last half an hour, she'll take off what is now essentially a hat of bacon and put the turkey back in to brown the top a little bit.

But what is that bacon?

Well, that goes in Ed Gamble's mouth before he sat down.

You wear it as a hat.

So yeah,

while you're watching the Queen's speech, yeah, I try to eat my own hat.

Bacon bits on.

It's like the bacon equivalent of the foam dome.

Yeah, so that'll happen.

I'll eat the blimmies.

And then while I'm waiting still, because I've had a glass of champagne, I'm feeling a little tipsy, I'll be eating the bacon hat and then

we'll sit down and then I'll eat a full meal.

What do you drink of the full meal?

Red wine.

Red wine.

Christmas red wine.

The thing I'm in charge of for Christmas

is

the cheese, Serry James, and the wine.

Yes, I've seen your wine order at Christmas and it is positively Gaelic.

Well, quite often it's just me and my mum for Christmas, and she doesn't really drink red wine.

So one would argue that sort of 16 bottles is too much.

No, I've been there when you were just celebrating me breaking up with someone.

I've got to go to the shop for more.

The birth of Christ.

Oh, I'm sure.

16 bottles.

Yeah, I remember your wine order when we...

We had a Christmas party a couple of years in a row when we lived together and the wine order was impressive.

Yeah.

It was really impressive.

Do you remember what my one job was for the Christmas party food?

Oh, I don't remember what it was chopping the bread.

Chopping the bread.

And the fact he calls it chopping the bread will make you realise quite how good he was at that.

I got taken off the task.

Chopping the bread.

Chopping the bread.

Chopping the bread dish.

I had one job, got sacked.

Yeah, one job that you didn't know the proper name of.

Chopping the bread.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're like, my jolly.

Was grating the yeast.

I don't know.

I don't know yeast in bread.

I don't know your technical terms.

Chopping it like you know karate.

Oh, so it's sliced.

Oh, that expression is the best thing since chopped bread.

But you're a good laugh.

That was a good thing.

I'm a good laugh.

That was even trouble across Christmas.

But yeah,

you go hard with the wine orders.

It's great.

Oh, yes.

I think the worst thing in the world as a host is to run out of booze.

Yeah, absolutely.

Which we never

was a problem.

Never a problem.

Because you can always just,

when everyone's gone home, you've still got booths for a few years.

That's the good thing.

The other night, I ordered myself a Thai delivery, and I realised I didn't have any beer or wine in the house.

So I just had to eat it with a gin and tonic, which

let me tell you does not work.

Fairly interesting use of the term had to.

Yeah.

I had no choice but to make a gin and tonic and eat it with a Thai meal.

That is stretching the meaning of had to to its absolute legitimacy.

But what are my other options?

What are my other options?

Go to the shop

or not drink.

Some people would have tap water or something with it.

Yeah.

Like a drink that isn't.

Some people would have tap water, I suppose, if they were living in Victorian times.

If they were a little mouse.

Yes, that's a he's thinking of the mice in Muppet's Christmas Carol.

Yeah,

I knew you were.

I knew all you thought about Victorian times and your brain went back to Victorian times and all you can remember was the film A Muppet's Christmas Carol and the mouse in the wall who sang no cheeses for us mises yeah that's you no cheeses

oh god i absolutely love that every time we've had a conversation about victorian england in your head you're picturing michael pain and kermit

oh yes there were tough times actually

so uh you have turkey without bacon hat what's your main course for christmas we've always had a different uh it's a different meat you change it out every year so we've had turkey we've had goose goose, we've had guinea fowl, we've had beef, we've had ham.

Christmas beef.

Yeah, we've done it all.

So

it's been different every single year.

I don't even know what we're having this year.

I mean, I should also give a shout out to my girlfriend's parents who are American and Canadian.

And for Thanksgiving, the turkey on Thanksgiving is depressive.

Don't even talk about Canadian Thanksgiving at your girlfriend's house.

You know why?

Every year I want to get invited to this Thanksgiving party.

Well, every single year.

But you don't want to get invited for the right reasons.

I do want to invite for the right reasons, but is the but you want to get invited because um nish has to do a song, though, right?

That may or may not be part of me.

I want to see Nish sing a song.

Is that so is that so bad?

Yeah, but no, but you're not there for the spirit of Thanksgiving, you're there to laugh at your friend being Ernest.

I'm giving thanks for Nish's singing,

it's funny.

You're there to see me and my girlfriend sing a song.

Yeah, I'll give him thanks for bullying

I want to go so much.

I made a leftovers sandwich last year that I'm so proud of that I put a picture of it on the internet.

Oh, really?

It's every leftover you can imagine, but we're going nice white bread

toasted on one side,

the inside.

The inside, okay.

So you get the experience.

of like a soft bread sandwich yeah yeah yeah and the toast and the toast keeps the toast this side keeps in the moisture right i think i maybe want a bit of mayonnaise right yeah um stuffing pigs in blankets turkey good lord cranberry sauce and then i did a moist maker you did a moist maker like roskeller you actually did a moist maker i did a moist maker another slice of bread soaked in gravy soaked in gravy in the middle and then same ingredients i think i may have put some maybe some brussels sprouts i definitely put parsnips and carrots in the next bit more turkey more stuffing and then another half toasted piece on the top How did it taste?

It was the best thing I've ever done in my life.

Well, so the moist maker is actually good.

I don't know if I can

actually tried the Moist Maker.

Oh, it's amazing.

The Moist Maker, for anyone who's not listening but does not know, is something that Ross Geller does in Friends.

Gets him put on sabbatical.

Yeah, because he gets really angry because someone eats his sandwich.

But I'm going to try it now because I always thought just a funny little line in Friends, not a real thing.

Imagine a gravy-soaked slice of bread in the middle of a sandwich.

Great.

Yeah.

Can I just draw attention to the behavior of our friend Joe Williams?

Because we once went to a Friends-themed Christmas party.

I obviously went in costume as alternate reality chandler.

Backwards baseball cap, shirt and t-shirt.

And she decided to make one piece of food from the friends

oeuvre.

Yeah.

Could have gone turkey sandwich with a moist microphone.

No.

The trifle.

Beef trifle.

Yes.

She made the beef trifle.

Beef trifle.

Yeah.

And I don't eat beef, so I didn't partake in it, but everyone else did confirm it tasted like feet.

Now, normally we do a side dish.

Yeah.

Have you got one prepped for Christmas dinner?

Roast potatoes.

You've already got a lot of side dishes, but you've got to have roast potatoes with your Christmas dinner.

Is this cooked by the same person?

Yeah, yeah, at Christmas dinner.

Does he make the best roasties?

He makes excellent roasties.

Although the roast potatoes at American Canadian Thanksgiving at my my girlfriend's house are also phenomenal.

Oh, yeah.

Really phenomenal.

They give you enough energy to sing a little song.

They give me enough energy to sing a little song.

What did you sing this year?

I didn't sing this year.

I just played the guitar for my girlfriend to sing.

James isn't sure.

Imagine if that's the year you went and Mish didn't sing and you'd be living.

The last two years I've just played the guitar.

And at whose request?

At mine.

But you went and sang Dink's song together?

Yeah, that's true.

I'd like to have seen that.

What song was it this year, though, that you played guitar for?

It was the

Simon and Garfunkel song, the was it, 125th Street.

Oh, the 50.

54th Street.

I've forgotten the song.

The Hey Lamp Post, What You Know.

Hey, Lamp Post, What You Know.

Oh, our producer, The Great Benito, would like to know why you're singing a song.

Yeah, it's interesting that neither of you, I mean, this is the Great Benito just doing his basic job.

Yeah, yeah.

And

seeing three people who all know what the story is and trying desperately to open that out to the listeners.

Sure.

They do party pieces

at American Canadian Things.

The Open Spot gig?

No, not.

Even more Halley jokes out.

Just as we try and make it less obscure.

But for the listener,

Tom Webb goes.

For the listener, when we started out in Stand-Up, a comic called Tom Webb ran an open mic gig called Party Piece.

And now he spends every Thanksgiving with Nisha's girlfriend.

Just introducing people.

I cannot emphasise, it's nice to look in Ben's eyes and see the phrase this is going to get cut.

They do party pieces.

I never look at him because that phrase is there a lot.

They do party pieces at American Canadian Thanksgiving, so you can do something, but it can't be

related to your job in any way.

It just has to be a single day.

Well, you could do some comedy.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's really.

Oh,

not related to your job.

Oh, okay.

I'll just point out the point when it'd be that it'd be a bit of a buzzkill that folks get in in and get up and shout angrily about Brexit.

So, yeah, people do,

people sort of play games, people do readings,

and I, the things that normal says.

If you let me go and I'm invited, I can't just sit there and laugh at you.

I have to do something as well.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's not like I'm, you know.

But also, you know, if you invite James, you have to invite me as well.

Yes, I know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I would do a little

party piece.

Listen, I can't just.

I'm not in a position to just invite, start inviting people to Thanksgiving.

Well, then we'll have our own Thanksgiving.

Uh, you know,

like the pilgrims inviting the Native Americans, yeah, and how did that end for the Native Americans?

But that's us, right?

Yeah, we're the ones being invited.

We're happy to take that risk.

I don't think you know enough about the history of Thanksgiving to be.

That's because I've never been invited to Thanksgiving niche.

Maybe I know more about Thanksgiving than people who invite me to the parties.

But as it is, I'm happy to wing it.

Why don't you ask my girlfriend?

You do know her.

I've asked her.

What did she say?

She ignores it.

She ignores it and she carries on doing whatever we're doing.

Just ignores it, moves on.

I haven't said it.

And it's like, I haven't even said it.

Oh, come along.

I'll do some juggling.

You can't juggle.

I can.

Whoa.

No, I can't.

Yeah.

Fucking love and learn something.

So roast potatoes on the side, do you know how they're cooked?

In what in particular?

oh my cousin does them in the goose fashion yes that's how that's how it gets yes crunchy also i um my girlfriend's uh mum makes very nice roast potatoes as well uh and uh it's been since revealed to me that uh she uses michael cain's recipe what so he did an interview for a national newspaper where he revealed his perfect way of cooking roast potatoes and a lot of people have taken that on as as how to cook them

so it's to do with like I think also Delia has a similar way as well but you you parboil and then shake really shake about so you make them really fluffy on the outside right I think it's something to do with the surface area so more fat can cling on and they can be even crispier if there's like flakes coming off at the side and stuff right and then cooking them in goose fat wow you know I'm paraphrasing Michael Kane there but you know that's

you're only supposed to cook the bloody taters

that it was going so well I was so on board with it as a premise

and i thought nisha's gonna nail this it's gonna be like a little pun like a semi-pun at the end that it's gonna be perfect but you went with you're only supposed to cook the bloody tatus

did you see the game last night of course you did because you used instacart to do your grocery restock Plus you got snacks for the game, all without missing a single play.

And that's on multitasking.

So we're not saying that Instacart Instacart is a hack for game day, but it might be the ultimate play this football season.

Enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders.

Service fees apply.

For three orders in 14 days.

Excludes restaurants.

Instacart, we're here.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

A drink for the gentleman.

I will be drinking a

glass of Malbeck with my dinner.

Up top.

There they are.

Yeah.

The red wine boys.

First time that's happened on the show.

The boys.

The Malbeck brothers.

There they come.

The Malbeckhams.

victoria and david malbeckham posh and malbecks where they are

it works

it works

posh and malbecks podge and malbecks perfect i love it

um and like on christmas there's often i'll have a

you know some sort of prosecco thing before the meal before the meal yeah before the meal, but then uh, yeah, red wine with the meal, and then

uh, immediately after the meal is finished, quite a strong coffee to prevent me from immediately falling asleep.

Yes, and imagine that has other effects as well, yeah, yeah, it clears the clears the system, yeah, yeah, it's quite a strong coffee.

I was you call it a swift dump, a swift dump that's how you think of everything,

so yeah,

a panic dash.

Do you not want to fall asleep directly after Christmas dinner?

I quite like that.

No, because like normally if I'm here, it's a sort of opportunity.

My sort of extended family is there.

And so it feels slightly antisocial to...

I mean, my cousin often goes and has a nap, but nobody really says anything to him because he's been doing all the cooking.

Sure.

But very often, you know, that's the time you want to be having some sweet chats.

My granddad used to go to sleep straight after Christmas dinner.

And to be fair, we were all very angry with him.

Yeah, me, my brother and sister would be like, granddad, I want to go to sleep now.

It's Christmas Day.

Sleeping through Christmas.

And it would take ages to get ready in the morning, and that would make us furious.

We'd be waiting by the Christmas tree.

All you want to do is open a present, all you can think about.

And he's having a goddamn shave.

Like, what are you doing?

Why are you shaving?

Like, where do you think we're going?

Queen for Jesus.

Yeah.

I

started my own Christmas tradition a couple of years ago of having a run before breakfast.

Oh, Christmas Day.

Which really?

Run, not a run.

Oh, I've always had a run.

I go for a run.

Christmas run.

Christmas run just wakes up and has a hungry.

Which does not go down well if people have to wait for their breakfast if I'm not having a run.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it really sets me up for the day.

I'm very hungry for the whole day if I go for a run.

I'm very hungry for the whole day anyway.

Yeah.

Very selfish.

Going on the little Christmas run so that you're hungry all day.

The only time I've ever slept after Christmas dinner is when I wasn't very well.

And my grandma said, I've got these pills that really help if you've got quite a bad cold.

They'll just help clear your head.

She gave me a pill and it just knocked me out.

And then

a whole honeyglazed hand.

It was a whole honey glazed hand.

So since then, we've had a running joke where we refer to her as a drug dealer, a joke she does not enjoy.

She would take that seriously.

Yeah, she's not a drug dealer.

Like it was also, it just came out of a handbag with no packaging.

I mean, she just gave it to you loose.

It was loose, it was a loose pill.

Yeah, my grandma roofied me.

That's what

Merry Christmas.

Nish, we come to the dessert.

As you know, what I refer to is the king's meal.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, you've never referred to it up until this point.

As the king's meal.

Well, it is.

That's what I called it.

Please say you're going to have cheese, Nish.

Nish,

let me give you an advance warning.

If you say cheese for Christmas dessert,

I will kill you on this podcast.

Everyone will hear that I will go to prison for it.

I would, no, I don't have cheese.

I don't have a cheese board after a Christmas dinner but to be but you're also going to hate this the what i have for christmas dessert is what we all have which is a grudging piece of christmas cake i do not like christmas

we we have it every year no one ever eats it we only have it so we can set fire to it we only have it for fire at the beginning are you setting fire to no sorry christmas pudding sorry christmas i would

literally love it if your family misunderstood the tradition and set fire to christmas cake every single year that would make my blimmy's faux pas look

very small in comparison.

What is Christmas cake?

Because I'm not sure I've ever had it.

Okay, it's a cake.

Yeah.

But it's like covered in Muzpan.

It's very dense.

It doesn't have to be covered in.

The one I have is not covered in Muzpan and icing.

Okay,

is this your way of saying that you have Christmas cake?

Dense, fruity cake.

No, I wouldn't have that for pudding.

It's too dense.

That's like the because Christmas pudding.

Pudding is very dense as well, but it's like round.

Do you love it?

I absolutely love it.

I've come round to it in later years, you know.

As long as you've got brandy butter.

Brandy butter and custard at the same time.

That's what I have on it.

But again, this is, I believe custard to be the

pancetta to Christmas puddings, Brussels Sprouts.

I think whenever I've enjoyed Christmas pudding, it's because it's been absolutely drowned in custard.

And I think what I actually wanted was a big bowl of custard.

I think I found the first slogan for our merch on the front of the t-shirt.

I believe custard to be the pancetta

to Christmas puddings, Brussels sprouts.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a catchy slogan.

Put that on there.

So

don't have it then.

This is a dream restaurant.

You don't have to have Christmas pudding.

So what I would really love is a pudding that no longer exists.

One year when I was here

and I'd been to my parents' house for Christmas, I then came back

to central London.

And

in between Christmas and New Year's, I had a peach cobbler at a place called Jackson and Rye.

Yes.

And they don't do it anymore.

And it was, it's my favorite dessert.

And I've stopped going to that restaurant.

Yep.

I refused to eat there until they reintroduced the cobbler.

It was a peach cobbler and they used to have

vanilla custard with it.

Yeah.

And it was so goddamn delicious.

Yep.

I'll see you eat that cobbler.

Yeah.

I've never seen that.

I absolutely love that cobbler.

He loves it.

I've seen him.

Eat that cobbler.

He was so happy about it.

He was talking about, you know, when someone is on their way to a place to eat?

Yeah.

And instead of just like, they're so excited about what they're going to have, they can't just talk about normal everyday things.

All they can talk about is the cobbler.

So all he was doing was walking through London talking about the cobbler

and how much he loves the cobbler.

And then he sat down and ate it.

And in no way was it an anti-climax for him?

It was exactly, it's as good as he always remembered it.

But the saddest day was when it, because it was close to refurbishment, and then it opened again.

And then he was like, let's go.

It's back.

I remember going in with you and they didn't have the cobbler anymore.

And instead, we just sat at a table and and had some drinks.

And there was a table near us, I think, who were quite loud.

Yeah.

So, like, the whole vibe of the

place had changed, and it was a sad day.

It was a sad day.

Did you ask them about the question?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Immediately.

They said, oh, we've changed the menu around.

And I was like, well, why don't you change this menu to say, go fuck yourself?

But it was, yeah, because like one year after.

It was an extra strong reaction.

After Christmas.

So when you say you don't go there anymore, is it because you're bad?

I'm allowed there.

And they started doing the cobbler again.

I love it.

but yeah one christmas we i was back i'd come back from spending the time with my family between christmas and new year's and new year's eve we had dinner at jackson and rye before we went to some new year's eve parties and i ate the cobbler and i was like this is the greatest new year's ever i love the cobbler it's dynamite cobbler dynamite um what set it apart from other

like is there something that have you had have you had other cobblers before I've had a couple of other cobblers, but not in America.

I think this is the problem, is that I haven't had a cobbler in America.

Cobbler's like a sort of deep south dessert.

Yeah, it's a very, like, yeah, it's a very American dessert.

Yeah, but so I think I need to, I think it's, I've not had the real stuff.

Cobbler is like,

how would you describe it?

Well, it's almost like a crumble, but with a different topping, it's less crumbly.

So imagine like a crumble that is just like that topping as like more of a rock face than a

sandy beef.

But it's like it's sort of like a soft cake.

It's called somewhere

cake and a crumble.

A cake pastry crumble.

That's right, yeah.

That's what it is, yeah.

And then the piece of fruit underneath it, stewed fruit, like peach, delicious peach,

absolutely amazing.

And then the vanilla custard is the like, that's an example where it's like the equivalent of putting pancetta on just

uh

brussels.

No, no, no, because it's the big

It's like putting pancetta on bacon.

It's like bacon-fried pancetta.

It's delicious.

That's the back of the t-shirt.

Everything is delicious.

It's like bacon-fried pancetta.

Custard on peach cobbler is like bacon-fried pancetta.

Yeah.

It's the most.

Everything is delicious.

Made with real vanilla pods.

The vanilla custard?

I didn't ask.

Were there blackberries in it?

Yes, there were blackbits in it.

Yeah, that is baby.

Always got to use the real pods.

Absolutely delicious.

What a dessert.

Oh, man.

Because, I mean, it's a, you know, because it is good to have a Christmas dessert, but I Christmas pudding is like I cannot get on board with it.

The thing is, it's too fun to not do, and so every year that we did it, my parents were like, My aunt and uncle were like, Let's stop doing it, and then everyone's like, Yeah, but at the beginning, it's like,

I mean, you could just set a plate on fire,

but there's something really satisfying about the way it like it's like, woo, it's on fire, but it's not on fire,

it is on fire, it is on fire, but it's not in a a bad way.

You could do something on the fire.

I see what you mean.

To replace it with a different.

You could set fire to like an effigy of Pierce Morgan.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

And all

just eat that bundle and rejoice in it.

It's pretty cruel, Nish, for your dessert.

You've described it so eloquently, and you've painted a real picture, and I can almost feel like I can taste it, but it's been discontinued.

Discontinued.

Well, now you know how you understand my pain.

You've given everyone your curse of the peach cobbler.

Yeah, exactly.

Jackson and I have not had the courtesy to put the recipe online.

Some places do that.

There's a place called Honey Trap in New Zealand, in Auckland, and they did the best beef brisket sandwich.

I remember using it

with this red cabbage coleslaw and these amazing pickles in them.

And then they stopped, they all shut, but then they put the recipe online.

So me and my girlfriend at the time were able to have a go at properly making it at New Year's Eve.

Well, I think

Nish needs this peach cobbler.

So, listeners, I want you to tweet Jackson and Rai.

Yes, let's make this happen.

Hashtag bring back the cobbler.

Bring back the cobbler, but not the Adam Sandler film.

Oh, not the Adam Slander.

Oh, okay.

Bring back Kumar's Cobbler.

Bring back Kumar's Cobbler's Cobbler.

And petition to rename it Kumar's Cobbler.

Yeah, so bring it back and put it on the menu.

They've got to name it Kumar's Cobbler.

We know you're listening out there and we know you like to get involved.

Tweet Jackson and Rai.

Jackson, the traditional way and the traditional way r-y-e yes jackson and rye bring back kumar's cobbler based in london soho bring back kumar's cobbler bring back kumar's cobbler the twitter handle is at jackson rye tweet them bring back the peach cobbler bring back kumar's cobbler it's going to be really funny if since i last went there and checked which i did do periodically for a time yeah they've now brought back the cobbler yeah yeah but they can still change the name yeah change the name to kumar's cobbler.

If it's back on the menu, yeah, great, thank you.

Make him change the name of Kumar's Cobbler.

Yeah,

that's fair enough.

Jackson Wright, tagging at off-menu official as well, so we can be a Christmas miracle.

Get something going, a real Christmas miracle, bring back Kumar's cobbler.

Also, I think before at this point in the podcast, I'll normally read your order back to you, make sure you're okay with it.

But before we do, I think, because it hasn't come up organically, but I think having you on this podcast, it would be remiss of me not to let you just vent about my Nando's order before we finish.

God, there's Nando's orders.

It's food-based and Nish really hates my Nando's order.

Your Nando's order.

This fucking state of it.

Yep.

Yep.

I'm not going to defend myself.

I'm just going to let you go for it.

Good Christ.

Cheese and pineapple?

Yep.

Cheese and pineapple.

Yep.

It is goddamn rap.

In a wrap, yeah.

Cheese and pineapple in a wrap.

For me, getting a wrap at Nando's is unforgettable.

Getting a wrap at Nando's can already go fuck it somewhere.

Well, how are you gonna, how are you gonna make it even worse, Nando's order, when you've already got fucking rap?

I don't know, I'll pop some goddamn lemon and herb chicken in there.

No, not lemon and herbs.

Sometimes medium.

Always medium.

No, sometimes hot.

Sometimes it's lemon and herb if you have a gig after.

If you haven't got it, that's not true.

Medium always,

if I've got a gig.

Fine.

Medium chicken, or as I like to call it, whitey plus, right?

He's ordered whitey plus heat.

He's got, he's put it in a fucking wrap.

Crazy.

And then

he's added, oh, you know what?

Let's put some cheese in there.

Nando's is famous for its dairy products.

That's already, if you don't mind me saying, an abomination against God and man.

But then to put

the liltest of all the fruits.

A trip to Hawaii.

To put

goddamn pineapple in your goddamn shitty rack

for F me.

The liltest of all the people.

F me in the A.

So you would like still water to start.

Some papa dumbs made by your grandmother.

Thank you.

You would like some lamb kebabs from the

pussy cat.

Out and the pussy cat in the cat.

The shack out the back of the shack out the back of the shit.

You would like some goose cooked by your cousin with the coke-soaked ham as well.

Roast potatoes on the side.

You would like a glass of Malbeck, Russian Malbex.

And you would like the Jackson and rye kumar's cobbler bring back kumar's cobbler bring back kumar's cobbler that sounds like a delicious christmas meal it sounds fantastic it was i mean it's and it's like it really our family dynamic has changed a lot because when i was a kid my grandmother used to make a turkey and a full pork curry for my dad and uncle because they said it would quote block them up for a month if they had to eat a full turkey

and so they my grandmother would genuinely make them a pork curry and they would like have one spoonful of turkey and be like, mmm delicious.

And

my grandmother's Christmas pork curry was pretty impressive stuff.

Thank you, Nish.

Thank you very much, Nish.

No problem.

Merry Christmas to you.

Merry Christmas to us all.

Season's greeting.

Season's greetings bring by Kumar's Goblin.

Oh, ho, ho.

That was Nish Kumar.

on the Off-Menu podcast.

What a delicious Christmas meal.

What a delicious Christmas meal.

What a lovely guest.

It's a pleasure to have him here.

And I feel like we should plug his tour because he was such a nice Christmas boy.

Are you talking about his tour that's called It's In Your Nature to Destroy Yourselves?

I am.

Well done, James.

You didn't need to learn that before we started recording at all.

So that starts on the 25th of January.

All around the UK.

Do not miss it.

What is at the top of this game, this boy?

But even more important than plugging his tour is to get Kumar's Cobbler back on the menu at Jackson and Rye.

Hashtag bring back Kumar's Cobbler.

Tweet at Jackson Rye.

Do also tag in at off menu official, which is our Twitter handle, because it might get confusing.

Feel free to also explain maybe what the tweet's regarding.

So we'd like to see the Peach Cobbler back on the menu.

Yes.

Hashtag bring back Kumar's Cobbler because otherwise it would be very confusing for the person who runs a Twitter account.

Maybe you want to say, hey, we'd like to see that Peach Cobbler back on the menu and so would Nish Kumar.

Yeah, do it.

We're going to get that.

We're going to get that goddamn cobbler back on the menu.

For now, I'm also on tour at around the same time.

I start at a similar time as Nish.

So if you've got to buy one ticket,

Nish is very good.

But edgamble.co.uk is where you can, if you've got a bit of spare cash.

Yep, I'm on tour next year.

I'm a nice boy.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

James does his own PR.

Merry Christmas.

Subscribe, write a nice review, and we will see you in the new year for another off-menu podcast.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The The rumours are true Saturday the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.