Best Dating Advice For People In Their 30s (You're Not Behind)

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Speaker 10 Dating is hard. Divorce is harder.

Speaker 10 Being with someone is hard. Breaking up is harder.
Being single is better than being with the wrong person.

Speaker 10 Being single is better than settling for the wrong person.

Speaker 10 And being single is better than settling for less than you deserve.

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Speaker 10 Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose.
I'm your host, Jay Shetty, and I am so grateful that you're back here for another episode. Thank you so much for tuning in.

Speaker 10 And this is going to be an episode that you send to all your friends because I know so many people right now who are dating in their 30s, who are struggling because the mindset that I'm old, that it's too late, that it should have happened earlier is the biggest block for them.

Speaker 10 The biggest thing blocking you back from dating and finding love in your 30s is that you think it's too late. You think it should have happened earlier.
You think it should have happened in your 20s.

Speaker 10 You believe that for some reason, you're the last one. You're late to the party.
That somehow you missed something special that was meant to happen in your 20s.

Speaker 10 And I know a lot of people feel this way. That's why if you've ever felt this way or your friends have, this episode is for you.

Speaker 10 If you've got a friend out there who's just gone through a tough breakup, send this episode to them.

Speaker 10 If you've got a friend out there who's tired of online dating, send this episode to them.

Speaker 10 If you've got a friend out there, or if it's even you who's saying to themselves, or even if they're not saying it, that's the interesting thing, right?

Speaker 10 It's not that we're saying it, but we're thinking it. I'm too old.
I missed something.

Speaker 10 It should have happened earlier. This episode is for you.

Speaker 10 The truth is, you're not behind. The truth is, it's not too late.
In fact, your 30s can be one of the most empowering, transformative times in your life when it comes to relationships.

Speaker 10 And today I'm going to walk you through some of the mistakes we made in our 20s that we don't do anymore so that we recognize why our 30s can be powerful.

Speaker 10 And by the way, some of the mistakes that we may be carrying through into our 30s that we can avoid. Before we begin, let's acknowledge something.

Speaker 10 Society feeds us this narrative, this timeline that you should be dating by a certain age. You should be married by a certain age.
You should have had kids by a certain age.

Speaker 10 But we all know that that timeline isn't even necessary.

Speaker 10 We all work at different paces. We all find what's meaningful to us at different times.
And the research actually backs it up.

Speaker 10 According to a 2022 study by the Pew Research Center, the average age for first marriages has been steadily increasing. For men, it's now 30 years old, and for women, it's around 28.

Speaker 10 The study also found that nearly half of adults aged 18 to 44 in the US are single. And the number of people getting married in their 30s and even 40s has risen significantly in the last few decades.

Speaker 10 So if you're in your 30s and still not married, it's not a red flag. It's actually becoming more and more common.

Speaker 10 And research published by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2021 also highlights that people in their 30s are better equipped for successful long-term relationships.

Speaker 10 This is because by the time we reach this age, we're more self-aware, have a better understanding of what we want, and have more emotional maturity to navigate the complexities of romantic relationships.

Speaker 10 And that's a really big point there. There is no substitute for emotional maturity.
Long-term relationships require one thing and one thing only, maturity. And you can't substitute that.

Speaker 10 You can't manufacture that in your 20s. There was also something else that I read that was fascinating.

Speaker 10 A study published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that people who marry later in life are happier in their marriages.

Speaker 10 Specifically, couples who marry in their 30s report higher levels of satisfaction, less stress, and a stronger emotional connection. What's the reason?

Speaker 10 They've had more time to figure out their needs and find a partner who's truly compatible.

Speaker 10 I'm sharing that with you because I think we underestimate, we truly underestimate the power of what our 30s has.

Speaker 10 And another study by the University of California, Berkeley revealed that people who marry later tend to be healthier.

Speaker 10 They report lower levels of depression and anxiety and have better overall well-being. So let's really reframe the idea that you're behind.
Let's really reframe.

Speaker 10 that thing that's stopping us from actually finding love at this moment in our life. In our 20s, we're figuring out who we are.
In our 30s, we're being clear about who we want.

Speaker 10 You're still trying to figure out who you are in your 20s, your deal breakers, your red flags, your type, and whether you're into long-term or casual relationships.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you know what you want, whether it's a relationship, casual dating, or just being on your own. You've got your deal breakers locked in.

Speaker 10 You've spent time figuring out what you want because you've been through plenty of bad experiences.

Speaker 10 I think it's really interesting how if you remember one of the first people you had a long-term relationship with, they just felt like the right person.

Speaker 10 Not because you actually knew, but because you'd just been with them for a long amount of time. And it's really interesting to me how the time bias creeps in.

Speaker 10 If you've been with someone for a year, and they're your first serious relationship, you assume they must be the one.

Speaker 10 Whereas in your 30s, when you've been with someone for a year, even if it's feeling positive, there's a part of you that wants to build on that.

Speaker 10 There's a part of you that wants to be clear about what you want.

Speaker 10 In your 20s, even if you're not, you're going to find people who are playing games. The difference is in your 30s, you're playing it straight, right?

Speaker 10 In your 20s, if someone was playing games with you, you had to kind of figure out how to play games with them.

Speaker 10 Maybe you stayed up all night trying to decode every text, or maybe you wanted to make sure you didn't come on too strong or stay too too distant.

Speaker 10 If someone played games with you, you had to find a way to play games back. Maybe you were even the one who started the games.

Speaker 10 But in your 30s, you're slowly getting that confidence to say what you mean. You're getting the confidence to be into someone and be honest with them.

Speaker 10 You also get the confidence to say, this isn't for me. It's simpler.
Right? In your 20s, you either shifted, you pivoted, you molded, you played along. This time, it's game over.

Speaker 10 And I think that's a superpower. You've outgrown the dating games.
You don't have time to waste on mixed signals or mind games.

Speaker 10 And that's a really thing to be really important to take into consideration. In your 20s, people played games with you, so you had to learn to play the game.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you play it straight, so it's game over. There's no more room for games.
Now, in your 30s, you're still figuring out who you are, but I promise you, you're more clear on who you want.

Speaker 10 You're clearer because you know the mistakes you've made. And this may take a second to shift from self-discovery to self-assurance, but I encourage you to do it.
Reflect on the mistakes you make.

Speaker 10 Reflect on the bad decisions you made in your 20s. Take a moment to make a list of all the men you dated in your 20s that weren't right for you.

Speaker 10 Take a moment to reflect on the women you dated that weren't the one for you. Why did you make that mistake? What did you get misled by? Was it their aura? Was it their charisma? Was it their talent?

Speaker 10 What was it about that person that distracted you away from your values? And that's the other thing. In your 30s, you have a stronger take on what your values are.

Speaker 10 You have a stronger understanding and commitment to what your values are because you know what it feels like when you trade your values. You compromised your values in your 20s.

Speaker 10 You allowed yourself to be controlled in your 20s. You allowed someone to compare you to someone else in your 20s.
In your 30s, you're committed to your new set of values.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you're committed. to not being controlled, to not being played with.
There's a superpower in that, and I don't want you to lose sight of it. In your 20s, you ignored red flags.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you're starting to trust your gut. In your 20s, you might ignore the little red flags, or you tell yourself, you can change them later.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you realize red flags are deal breakers. And if something feels off, you trust your gut.
and move faster.

Speaker 10 One of the biggest realizations in your 30s is you've learned the hard way that ignoring warning signs only wastes time. Trusting your instincts saves you drama.

Speaker 10 The big lesson here is in your 30s, you've realized one thing. People don't change for people.

Speaker 10 People don't change for you.

Speaker 10 They change for themselves if they want to. when they want to.

Speaker 10 You can't change anyone else. You can't change someone.

Speaker 10 You can't change their priorities. You can't change their likes and dislikes.
You can't change their focus. You can't change their ambition.
You can't change their drive.

Speaker 10 In your 20s, you convinced yourself that you could change what that person aspired to be, that you could edit. You could mold.
You could in some way inspire them to become different.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you realize that that's a person. They're not a project.
They're a person, not a project.

Speaker 10 They're a human, not someone that has to become a high performer because you want them to. And they're a person, not potential.

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Speaker 10 In your 30s, you realize that's a person, not a project.

Speaker 10 That's a person.

Speaker 10 not potential. That's a person,

Speaker 10 not someone that I have to make perform in the way I want them to. In your 20s, you convinced yourself that you might be able to shift, mold, inspire, and it might even have been well-intentioned.

Speaker 10 But you now recognize that it isn't going to work that way. It doesn't work that way.

Speaker 10 So

Speaker 10 you learn the hard way.

Speaker 10 You're not going to ignore those little red flags anymore. You're going to raise them early.
It's not that you run away or distance yourself.

Speaker 10 You're conscious enough to make them a part of the conversation, to make them a part of the dialogue. You value talking about difficult things.

Speaker 10 You value raising something, not worrying about whether it pushes someone away. Don't underestimate the power that you have in your 30s.
In your 20s, you were chasing sparks.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you're seeking stability.

Speaker 10 In your 20s, you were infatuated with chemistry. In your 30s, you're inspired by compatibility.
In your 20s, you chased that intense, emotive, firework feeling.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you realized that solid, stable communication and mutual respect is at the heart of a real connection. It's really interesting when you go through that shift, right?

Speaker 10 You used to feel that you wanted this constant feeling of living on the edge. Oh my God, when are they going to message back? Oh my gosh, when are they going to reply?

Speaker 10 Oh my God, what shall I tell them? Oh my God, when are they going to turn up? Oh my gosh, what are they going to do? Like you lived in that conscious state of anxiety, of drama, of uncertainty.

Speaker 10 And where did it get you? Left you heartbroken? Left you lonely? In your 30s, you realize someone who messages on time, that's the kind of person I want to be with.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you realize someone who turns up on time, who shows up for me, yeah, that's the kind of person I want to be with.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you recognize, oh yeah, that person who checks in with me, oh, I really like that. I don't want someone who doesn't message back.
I don't want someone who doesn't call to check in.

Speaker 10 I don't want someone who makes up excuses every time we were meant to do something.

Speaker 10 Sure, it felt exciting to pursue someone, to have the chase, to feel like they may or may not want you and figure that out. But in your 30s, you recognize, I want clarity.

Speaker 10 I want clarity over fake chemistry.

Speaker 10 I want spontaneity over a false spark. It's not that it has to get boring, but you realize the value in peace over drama.
In your 20s, you might even have pursued drama.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you pursue peace and avoid trauma. You know what it feels like.
You don't want to invite that back into your life.

Speaker 10 In your 20s, you might have settled for comfort. Maybe you even stayed in a relationship for too long.
In your 30s, you're consciously holding out for the right fit.

Speaker 10 In your 20s, you might have settled, stayed somewhere for longer than you needed to, accepted less than you deserve because you were worried about being lonely.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you recognize that being alone is a part of life. And actually, when you can feel comfortable in that discomfort, that's when you can truly find and attract someone into your life.

Speaker 10 In your 20s, you might settle for someone because they're good enough or because you don't want to be alone. In your 30s, you don't settle.

Speaker 10 You're clear that you'd rather be single than be in a relationship that doesn't feel right.

Speaker 10 You've figured out that being alone is better than being in a relationship that doesn't meet your need.

Speaker 10 Right, for people who feel pain of being single, it's important to remember this. There's the pain of being single and the pain of being in the wrong relationship.

Speaker 10 And every time the pain of being in the wrong relationship is worse than the pain of being single. I know so many people who are married but want to be divorced.

Speaker 10 I know so many people that are engaged, but don't look forward to their wedding. I know so many people that have been married for years and don't know a way out.

Speaker 10 That is so much harder than trying to find the right person. It's so much harder than trying to ask the right questions.
It's so much harder than being curious. Dating is hard, but divorce is harder.

Speaker 10 Right? Think about that for a second. It's a lot harder.

Speaker 10 It's how the mind is always, the grass is greener on the other side. And there's the famous quote that says, the grass isn't greener on the other side.
The grass is greener where you water it.

Speaker 10 And that's the shift I want you to take into your 30s. The grass is greener where you water it.
Water it here, water it in your 30s. Stop thinking that your 20s were the best time to date.

Speaker 10 Not only are they not coming back,

Speaker 10 you don't live there anymore. So we don't want to keep our mind somewhere that we can't go back to and somewhere that we don't don't live, right? We can't even visit it again.

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Speaker 10 Dating is hard, divorce is harder. Being with someone is hard.
Breaking up is harder.

Speaker 10 Being single is better than being with the wrong person.

Speaker 10 Being single is better than settling for the wrong person.

Speaker 10 And being single is better than settling for less than you deserve. In your 20s, every breakup feels like the worst thing ever.
In your 30s, you've recognized that you can bounce back stronger.

Speaker 10 In your 20s, a breakup can feel like the end of the world. In your 30s, you waste less time wallowing.
You focus on healing yourself.

Speaker 10 You recognize that it's more something you want to do for yourself than to get over someone else.

Speaker 10 In your 20s, you think healing is getting closure.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you realize healing is building confidence. In your 20s, you feel healing requires an apology from them.
In your 20s, you realize healing requires you to forgive yourself.

Speaker 10 In your 20s, healing means trying to get over someone else. In your 30s, healing means doing it for yourself.

Speaker 10 It's a really powerful place to be

Speaker 10 because now, every time you're healing, even if you are broken up with, even if you are mistreated, even if someone does take advantage of you, you're putting your energy and emphasis into yourself.

Speaker 10 You're using it as an investment in yourself

Speaker 10 rather than an investment in someone else using brain power or brain energy elsewhere. In your 20s, you overthink every detail.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you experience and enjoy the moment. In your 20s, you might overanalyze every text, every date.
every comment, wondering if they're the one.

Speaker 10 And in your 30s, you slow down a little. I want you to slow down a little.
Even if you are feeling pressure, I want you to take that pressure off. I want you to experience it for what it is.

Speaker 10 And maybe as you've been listening to me, you're thinking, Jay, I'm not doing that in my 30s. I'm still feeling the pressure.
Well, I want you to rise to this.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you understand that relationships take time to unfold. You're cool with letting things develop naturally.
instead of rushing the process.

Speaker 10 This is how I want you to approach your 30s. Anything I might say, you might even say, Jay, I don't really relate to that.
I'm probably making the same mistakes.

Speaker 10 Well, this is what I want you to aspire for. This is what I want you to rise to, because that's how you do the work.
That's how you make a shift in your life. In your 20s, you are riding the highs.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you keep things grounded. In your 20s, you might get swept away in the excitement of the honeymoon phase and let the little things slide.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, you know the honeymoon phase fades, so you look for someone who can handle the lows as much as the highs.

Speaker 10 The best relationships are the ones that deal with the worst times in the best ways. Let me say that again.
The best relationships are the ones that deal with the worst times in the best ways.

Speaker 10 The best relationships are not the ones with always having the best times, having the best moments, having the best experiences. And in your 30s, you prepare for that.

Speaker 10 You prepare for that with your partner. You anticipate your first fight.
You recognize how you handle disagreements. You think about it with that person.

Speaker 10 And if they don't want to think about that, then they're not your person. In your 30s, if someone doesn't treat you well, you don't work harder, you move on.

Speaker 10 In your 20s, you would have shifted, changed, molded, transformed yourself to be liked, to be treated better. You would have worked harder to be treated better.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, if you're not treated better, you don't work harder, you move on.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, if people take advantage of you, you realize it's their loss. In your 20s, if people took advantage of you, you let them continue to do it.

Speaker 10 because you believed it was your loss if they left.

Speaker 10 In your 30s, if they don't like something about you, you don't change yourself. In your 20s, you would have shapeshifted in order to make things work.

Speaker 10 The three things you need to be really attentive about in your 30s is be better at noticing love bombing. If someone comes on fast, slow it down.

Speaker 10 If someone comes on too strong, Focus on building real strength. Don't let yourself be gaslit more than once.
We all make mistakes. We all get fooled once.
Don't get fooled twice.

Speaker 10 And remember,

Speaker 10 you are going to be a part of someone's healing and they're going to be a part of yours. Everyone's going to bring baggage in their 30s and so are you.

Speaker 10 You just want someone who's willing to help you unpack and let you unpack theirs. That's what you need.

Speaker 10 I really hope that this has re-inspired you for dating in your 30s, made you recognize that all the experiences you've had all the challenges you've had all the pains you've had have actually given you the insight the lessons to not make the same mistakes but it's your job to slow down and really reflect and take it in remember i'm always in your corner and forever rooting for you thanks for listening to on purpose if you enjoyed this podcast you're going to love my conversation with michelle obama where she opens up on how to stay with your partner when they're changing and the four check-ins you should be doing in your relationship.

Speaker 10 We also talk about how to deal with relationships when they're under stress. If you're going through something right now with your partner or someone you're seeing, this is the episode for you.

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