Jay & Radhi Talk About Why People Feel the Need to Overshare

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Speaker 2 What are you doing this Thanksgiving? Besides overindulging and watching football?

Speaker 2 Well, maybe take the opportunity to reconnect with some friends through Facebook, comment on an old friend's post, or post to a Facebook group telling the gang you want to get together.

Speaker 2 I'll even write it for you. Hey, everybody, let's meet at mine for pizza and football.
Facebook offers a great way to connect, and a little connection goes a long way.

Speaker 2 Let's reconnect this holiday season with Facebook.

Speaker 2 Radi, we're always talking about being intentional with our time and energy, right? What about gifting with intention?

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Whatever nourishes their mind best.

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Speaker 2 Sometimes you have to sit back and you have to think before you speak.

Speaker 1 Yapper's regret,

Speaker 2 it's a real thing. Sometimes I just spill my deepest, darkest secrets just because I want to keep the conversation going.

Speaker 3 Damn, I did not need to share that much information.

Speaker 2 Sometimes you have to sit back and spill my deepest darkest

Speaker 2 secret. I was always told in the monastery that when you share something before it's complete, that idea loses 50% of its value.

Speaker 1 You know, when something's like at the top of your heart, it's like stuck at the top of your throat and all you're waiting to do is burst out and talk about it.

Speaker 2 I find it really inspiring when someone's opening their heart.

Speaker 1 Even if someone was vlogging for 24 hours a day, even if someone was telling you every moment that they were moving, you can't know their heart and you can't know their mind.

Speaker 2 I really don't share anything to try and get someone to believe I'm anything.

Speaker 1 I've just come to the conclusion that no one will ever.

Speaker 1 Hey everyone, welcome back to this week's episode of On Purpose. I wish we had a name for it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but we don't.

Speaker 1 Welcome back to this week's episode of Conversations Conversations with Radhi on On Purpose.

Speaker 1 We have been having these wonderful discussions.

Speaker 2 That's not the official name.

Speaker 1 That's not the official name. But we have been having these wonderful conversations based on things our friends have told us, things we've been reading, listening to.

Speaker 1 And we realized that these conversations are actually really useful to maybe share with people. Me and Jay have them often when we're on car journeys together, traveling.

Speaker 1 And one, it's helped create more depth in our conversation, but also some of the stuff we come out with is pretty good in them. So I thought, let's share it.

Speaker 1 Well, I didn't think Jay thought, let's share it with the world on a fourth episode a week of On Purpose. Over to you, Jay.

Speaker 2 Why are we suddenly switched to news?

Speaker 1 I know, news anchor.

Speaker 1 It's hard not to when you've got a mic in front of you. Is it?

Speaker 2 Is that what you feel like? Do you feel like a news anchor?

Speaker 1 Today, on today's weather, it's can you just start? All right, okay.

Speaker 2 So, as you were talking about what we want to share, today's topic is all about over sharing. Are we oversharing online? Are we oversharing with our friends? What is too much? What is just enough?

Speaker 2 What do we do with it? Because it feels like we don't know who to share our life with, how much of our life to share, where to share it. And

Speaker 2 let's dive in.

Speaker 1 It's so true. I really struggle.
Well, you said online. I really struggle with the online sharing situation because on one hand, people want to experience your personality.

Speaker 1 And especially as someone who is sharing a lot of content online, you also want people to feel like they know your life because otherwise you're just sharing little minuscule parts of it.

Speaker 1 The best parts, which people don't want to see anymore, they also want to see the pain.

Speaker 1 But then when I sometimes share that I'm crying, I get messages like, why are you always sharing that you're sad? Like, I don't want to be sad with you. And so it's such an interesting.

Speaker 1 You get messages. Oh, yeah, I do.
I get like, oh, your life must be so hard. You know, if you do share that you're upset, there's always somebody or people who think you've got no reason to be sad.

Speaker 1 So why are you crying?

Speaker 1 And so I think there's a really difficult balance between,

Speaker 1 I always used to say, I don't want to share the negative parts of life because there's enough negativity in the world.

Speaker 1 And I'd rather share, even if I am feeling a certain way, I'd rather share, even if I have an ounce of happiness, let me share that online rather than sharing sadness with people because energy is so contagious that if someone comes online, they're already having a bad day.

Speaker 1 The last thing I want is to make their day worse. But I think it was so interesting because I was speaking to my friend about this.

Speaker 1 She's going through probably one of the most difficult times in her life right now, going through a situation that she never expected herself to be in. And she was really struggling with it.

Speaker 1 You know, when something's like at the top of your heart, it's like stuck at the top of your throat and all you're waiting to do is burst out and talk about it because it's so prominent inside of you.

Speaker 1 And so what she started doing was she had told me and then she started spending time with people. And we had said, maybe you shouldn't speak about this to other people.

Speaker 1 But when she ended up being around people too much, she would end up blurting it out or sharing it.

Speaker 1 And I had a conversation with her about how it's so important to protect things that one, if you're unsure about, or two,

Speaker 1 that are really difficult, because a lot of the time people don't necessarily have the best desires for you. There are very few people in this world who actually have deep desire for you to be happy.

Speaker 1 And so when you end up sharing certain things or oversharing things, I think it leaks this energy of one, the situation gets made bigger because you're constantly speaking about it.

Speaker 1 And therefore, even if it was painful, it becomes even more painful.

Speaker 1 Or two, there's this idea in like Ayurveda, and I think you've spoken about this as well, where when you share too much, you're just leaking energy out of that one thing.

Speaker 1 And you talk about this, and I'd love for you to share this about when things haven't happened yet and then sharing them before things have happened and the leaking of energy that happens in that.

Speaker 1 But I was speaking to her about it. And I do believe that sometimes oversharing or not sharing to the right people can be really detrimental to whatever it is that you're talking about.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think it all comes down. I think the world will talk about some things we call them oversharing because we want to censor it.

Speaker 2 Sometimes people think things are oversharing because they're overly emotional. I think we have to look back at how this all started.

Speaker 2 The online world was a place people put up pictures, they put up food, they put up dances. All of a sudden, people started sharing highlight reels.
And that's what we did. We shared our best moments.

Speaker 2 People then called that out and said, we want to see the truth. And people started sharing vulnerable things.

Speaker 2 Vulnerability, which is actually quite an intimate personal thing, became a very public thing. Right.

Speaker 2 And then what's happened is vulnerability, in my opinion, has become performative sometimes.

Speaker 2 Not always, not always.

Speaker 2 Sometimes. And so now when someone's being overly vulnerable, and I'm vulnerable online too, it's really hard.
to get a gauge as to what's right or wrong or where you stand on it.

Speaker 2 And it all comes down to the the individual and their intention.

Speaker 2 If I ever share vulnerably online, it's because I believe there's a lesson, there's a guiding moment, there's a teaching moment, there's something I've gained that I want to share with it.

Speaker 2 That's when I choose to do that.

Speaker 2 I have a boundary around it. I have a way of thinking about when and why I want to be vulnerable.
I think people who listen to my podcast regularly do understand who I am as a person.

Speaker 1 That's a good assessment, though.

Speaker 2 Go on.

Speaker 1 What you just said, a good assessment of knowing whether you should be vulnerable or not.

Speaker 1 What is the reason behind you being vulnerable online? What is the reason you're sharing yourself crying? What is the reason you're sharing this difficult thing that happened?

Speaker 1 Is it because you want someone to be able to relate to it, be better?

Speaker 2 Which is beautiful.

Speaker 1 Is it because you want attention? Is it because you want sympathy? Like being really clear about where your vulnerability is coming from. That's a really great place of assessment.

Speaker 1 Sorry to cut you off.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. I'm so glad you did.
No, you should. No, I think it's better when we're doing that.
There was this, you just said something that hit this. Dr.

Speaker 2 Christopher Hand said, the more people tend to present about themselves, the less sympathy they get when things go wrong. People assume they brought it on themselves.

Speaker 2 And oversharing can lead to judgment instead of empathy online, especially. And so I agree that if I was to ever cry online, I...
have cried in interviews before, which has been very natural.

Speaker 2 But if I was ever to cry online to share a pain point, it would be because I think it could help someone, or it's because I would hope someone would be able to connect to it and not feel alone.

Speaker 2 That would be my intention. Now, I'm not saying that's perfect.
I'm not saying that's the best or the right thing to do. That's just how I see it.
No, I agree.

Speaker 2 But if I wanted to cry and just break down, I would just call you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. Or talk, right?

Speaker 2 Or talk to one of my friends because that's where I think it will be held the best.

Speaker 1 I remember when I started a really good cry, I started seeing all these pictures.

Speaker 1 Or so I've been coming more conscious of the fact that we take so many pictures laughing, but we never take pictures of ourselves crying.

Speaker 1 And I remember starting to collect these pictures of whenever I was upset or that I'd sent to my friend or I spoke to my, my friend was going through a difficult time and she was like, I'm so upset right now and I don't feel like posting anything online.

Speaker 1 I was like, send me a picture of you crying. Like, send me a picture of what's actually happening in this real moment.

Speaker 1 And she always repeats it back to me because now she says that she documents and takes pictures of every emotion that she's feeling.

Speaker 1 And whenever I now I share a lot of pictures of me crying online now, just because I also want that to be normalized of, yes, of course, it would be crazy if I was crying and the next second I'm taking a selfie and I'm smiling.

Speaker 1 That's actually borderline psychotic. And so I felt like the necessity of sharing the fact that you are upset can be normalized.

Speaker 1 Because if people, if we're trying to create an open platform or a place where people can be themselves online, there has to be that ability of not having to switch it up to a smile straight away.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I think for you, at least, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, there was a feeling of when people are like, oh, you're always happy.

Speaker 2 And you kind of wanted to help people understand that no one in the world is always happy, which I think is a great message and is true and people need to hear.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 that was, you know, that's an important thing. And obviously a really good cry is based on that.
The idea that you get that ability to share your emotions.

Speaker 2 But what's really interesting is that sociologist Ben Agar says that people often reveal more of their inner feelings, opinions, and sexuality online than they would in person or even over the phone.

Speaker 2 And I think that's actually because in some cases, it's easier to be yourself with strangers

Speaker 2 than it is with the people that know you best. Because the people that know you best, when you share your emotions that way, then they're like, wait a minute, you're not like this.

Speaker 2 Wait, why are you doing this? What's going on here? Whereas when you share it online, you kind of sometimes feel heard and seen where a stranger goes, I feel the same way.

Speaker 2 Thank you for sharing that and so i don't think it's fair for anyone to say oh you shouldn't share how you feel online because

Speaker 1 that may be where you feel safest for some people in in an interesting way can you talk about what you've always shared with me the oversharing thing i was telling saying about the protecting before you before you speak things that haven't happened Yeah, this is a spiritual principle.

Speaker 2 I'm writing about it in my third book right now, actually. And it's this idea that I was always told in the monastery that when you share something before it's complete

Speaker 2 that idea loses 50 of its value wow and actually

Speaker 2 you lose the energy and the discipline to maybe even carry it through

Speaker 2 and so often when you're excited about something you just blurt it out and then you never get around to doing it because in some cases you've already enjoyed the moment of sharing the success of it and you've already gained the validation for it and so you don't feel it anymore whereas when you keep something private and you build it and then you put it out into the world, it has a much better reaction for you as well because you used all that energy to complete the task.

Speaker 2 Yes. And that's what it's all about.
It's not about whether it gets validation or praise. It's about, are you losing energy by talking about this thing to everyone?

Speaker 2 And so the way I've changed it is I talk to people. who can actually give me insight or impact on that thing.

Speaker 2 So if someone can give me an idea, someone can help me with it, I'll share it with them. But if they can't, then I probably won't.

Speaker 2 And I found that to be true for me and it's really helped me in my life.

Speaker 2 I like building things in private and then launching them in public than talking about something in public forever and then putting it out there. And I may not even get around putting it out there.

Speaker 1 There's this weird line between like telling people things for accountability and then oversharing. Because sometimes you want to tell people that I'm trying to get to this goal.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I'm telling you because I really want to make sure I get there but then I have you know I completely relate to the telling everybody everything and then you kind of lose the energy or the will to even get there because you've already and they said that you enjoy the success in your mind already so it's almost like your your mind doesn't know the difference between actually

Speaker 1 actually completing something and when you're talking about it because the same hormones or the same chemicals are released in your brain.

Speaker 1 So when you've already technically succeeded by talking about it, you have less motivation to complete it afterwards. Yes.
So that's, I guess exactly it is. Yeah, and that's so interesting.

Speaker 1 I actually read something. I actually came across this, I think, this morning on Instagram and I saved it.
Yeah, it says why oversharing drains your aura, according to Ayurveda.

Speaker 1 And it said, if you ever felt off after a deep shit online or with someone who didn't feel safe, Ayurveda says it's your aura and your energetic boundary getting weakened.

Speaker 1 And so it basically talks about how when you end up sharing sacred parts of yourself with people who haven't earned it, or whether you're venting too much on social media or explaining your life constantly or seeking constant external validation,

Speaker 1 the fact is that every single word carries intentionality.

Speaker 1 And when you end up sharing words over and over again, they lose their intentionality, they lose their power, they lose their energy, and that it scatters your energy all over the place.

Speaker 1 Rather than being focused on trying to actually fix the problem, it just scatters you.

Speaker 1 But I and I have noticed that I do think that there's this power of when you end up talking about things too much, it drains you and it drains the problem too, or it drains the excitement of something.

Speaker 1 It really is a draining practice to continuously keep talking. But on the other hand, I have noticed that when you're in social situations, I used to do this to try and fill gaps.

Speaker 1 I would overshare things and I would talk about things unnecessarily or say things that really don't need to be talked about in this situation.

Speaker 1 But to try and create a closeness, and that's why oversharing is sometimes used in between people. It's let me tell you everything about my life so we feel close straight away.

Speaker 1 It's like a false closeness that you can create and a way to show a way to make people trust you. Because I'm going to tell you all, I'm an open book.
I'm going to tell you everything about my life.

Speaker 1 One, because hopefully it makes you like me more. Two, because now you can be vulnerable with me.
And three, now it makes you feel like you're my best friend.

Speaker 1 And it creates this connection as fast as possible.

Speaker 1 But I think it's really important to know when to share things and who to share things with, because if they're not ready for it and if they don't know you well enough, it's so much harder to receive that information.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I love that point.
And I think that you actually end up being more confused because you've now told 30 people. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So a lot of people now, I think you have a group chat and you tell 30 people who you're dating, what they said to you, and you're saying, what should I say back? Yeah. And now you're asking 30 people.

Speaker 2 How are you going to process 30 people's backgrounds, walks of life, advice, insight? insight. No wonder you feel lost and confused because you're asking 30 people in the group chat how to respond.

Speaker 2 And then you're asking someone else when you meet them. And then exactly what you said about draining the problem.

Speaker 2 And I think one of the biggest things with oversharing now, though, is that it's also different on different platforms.

Speaker 2 And so on Instagram and TikTok, because it's actually generally your face and your name, it's different where I know a lot of people who find people sharing their stories of miscarriages, IVF, breakups on Reddit is actually really helpful for them because they're reading about other people's anonymous experiences.

Speaker 2 And there's something we get from anonymous oversharing

Speaker 2 because the person can tell everything about their life because it's not their name.

Speaker 1 It feels a bit more authentic, I guess, as well, because you know that they're not doing it for themselves. They're sharing anonymously, which means that there must be some sort of truth to it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and that they're being totally themselves because they don't have anything to gain. And so many people can turn to that and be like, oh my God, that's exactly what I'm going through.

Speaker 2 And that's exactly what I'm experiencing. And I think that is the same even for someone on Instagram who's going through it.

Speaker 2 Like I follow plenty of people who are sharing their healing journeys, whether it's their health, whether it's a challenge they've went through. I find it so inspiring.

Speaker 2 So I rarely see something as oversharing from a consumer point of view. I find it really inspiring when someone's opening their heart.

Speaker 2 And I find it really amazing for the world that people can do that. I think it only makes the person who's sharing happy if their intention is not attention and validation.
That's how I look at it.

Speaker 2 When I see someone, I see bravery, I see courage, I see a big heart.

Speaker 2 But for them, it will only fulfill them if it's done from the intention of, I want to serve, I want to help, I want to support, I want to share, but I'm not doing it for attention and validation.

Speaker 1 Do you think that, you know, we talk about this a lot where you really have to be careful about who you tell what to?

Speaker 1 And in that sense, we don't talk about that many wins that we have with too many people or even pain points, even about a relationship. You know, there are certain things that you keep

Speaker 1 private versus sharing it with people or being really mindful about who you share what with.

Speaker 1 Do you think other people's energy can affect the things that you are thinking about or doing in your life if you share it with the wrong people?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't think it's some sort of magic hocus-pocus thing. I think it's truly just their thoughts can affect you.
For example, let's say you want to start something, right?

Speaker 2 And I was, I was guilty of this a few months ago with us, and you kindly called me out about it in a good way. You shared an idea with me about something.
And we were just messaging about it.

Speaker 2 My initial response was, yeah, we can't do that right now. Oh.
And you were like, wait a minute, can you just let me share my idea? And you said it in a really nice way.

Speaker 2 And I got the message and I felt really bad about it. And I was wrong.
But my point is, my energy did affect it. It did.
I closed something down when I shouldn't have.

Speaker 2 So, that's a really good example.

Speaker 2 So, let's say someone's listening right now, and they're like, You've got an idea to start a YouTube channel or a podcast, or you want to write a book, and you go and tell all your friends.

Speaker 2 And then all your friends go, Why are you starting a podcast? Like, oh, you know, there's like a million podcasts now. It's not a hocus pocus.
That energy affects you.

Speaker 2 You hear that and you go, Yeah, maybe I shouldn't start it. So true.
So, all of a sudden, that energy has affected you.

Speaker 2 Now, if you had shared it with a podcaster, that podcaster would have said to you, you, oh, great, what genre is it? What kind of podcast do you want to do?

Speaker 2 And you were like, yeah, it's all about relationships and it's all about connection. And then you could have asked them a question and they would have said, yeah, well, here's what you need to do.

Speaker 2 Make sure you do one episode a week. Make sure that you are really authentic and be yourself and make sure that you're consistent because.

Speaker 2 Something like 97% of podcasts don't make it past episode two or three.

Speaker 2 Now, all of a sudden, that person who's already done what you want to do is actually helping you, whereas someone who hasn't done what you want to do is draining you and so i think it is important because energy does impact you and affect you and someone who's already done what you want to do is more likely to encourage you yes whereas someone who hasn't done it is more likely to discourage you because they may not understand they think it's hard or they think it's complicated do you think people are happier when they're sharing more or do you think actually like oh i'll ask you for yourself when you made the decision to keep a lot of your own life private and be mindful about what you're sharing did that bring more peace and clarity and confidence in what you're doing?

Speaker 1 Or did you feel like you were missing out on, did you feel a bit lonely without sharing things?

Speaker 2 I think people online, and I want to ask you the same questions, Matt, these are great questions.

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 2 we started to equate vulnerability with authenticity online.

Speaker 1 Tell me the difference.

Speaker 2 So if so, no, no, no, it's...

Speaker 2 We're saying that if you share stuff about your life, then you're authentic.

Speaker 2 If you don't share stuff about your life, you're not authentic.

Speaker 2 My take is authenticity is sharing the right thing with the right person at the right time. So that's actually authentic, right? If I just found out that a family member was ill just today,

Speaker 2 I wouldn't tell everyone on social media, not because I'm being inauthentic, but the first person to call would be my family member. Exactly.
So that's not an inauthentic act.

Speaker 2 It's actually the most authentic act.

Speaker 2 So I think we shouldn't fall for this trap where it's like, if you're not fully vulnerable online all the time that you're inauthentic, actually being authentic is being intentional and selective.

Speaker 2 That's my definition for it. So I feel very happy knowing what I share with you, what I share with my best friends, what I share with my mom, and then what I share online.

Speaker 2 Am I sharing my truth online? Of course I am. Am I sharing my heart online? Of course I am.
Are there things that are private?

Speaker 2 that need to be kept between me and my mum or me and you or me and my best friends of course there are because that's reality

Speaker 2 and i don't think that makes someone inauthentic i think it actually makes someone real because it's the same as saying if you're do you go into your workplace because social media is our workplace you go into your workplace stand up on your desk and tell everyone in your office everything about everything yeah then you would never do that you wouldn't hijack the company zoom call and say guys I just need everyone to know right now that

Speaker 2 this is what's going on in my life. You would just never do that.
It's not normal. But online, we assume that that is the normal.
I'm not saying it's bad bad if you do that.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying that for me, that's not authenticity.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think I've really struggled with that.

Speaker 1 I think I've always gone between, oh, I just want to keep everything private now because everyone's opinions and everyone's thoughts on things are too much.

Speaker 1 And then back to, oh, maybe I should be sharing because me not talking about this seems like I'm really happy, but actually I've got this going on in my life and my grandma's not well and whatever.

Speaker 1 So maybe I should be sharing because I'm sharing smiles and happiness all online, but there's another part of my life that's happening.

Speaker 1 And then I've just come to the conclusion that no one will ever understand the duality in people's lives.

Speaker 1 And I think that's just my conclusion is of having gone through the ups and downs of sharing or not sharing.

Speaker 1 And even sharing within within friendship circles, I think actually I don't share much with my friends or very selective about what I speak to.

Speaker 1 who I speak to about what. And it's made me so much happier because it's also allowed me to be so much more reflective in my own life.

Speaker 1 I think I was so used to outsourcing my uncertainty with other people's opinions and making decisions based on that that now

Speaker 1 the more that I feel comfortable with answering my own questions, solving my own problems, the less I've got this need to speak to so many people about so many things happening in my life.

Speaker 1 And I actually do feel so much happier in that. I think the only part I struggle with, which you know, is being misunderstood online.

Speaker 1 And I think that's something that I am forever working on because I think I go through these bouts of sharing and then not sharing and trying to find the in-between.

Speaker 1 But what you said about the work situation, that makes sense. Do you just stand up and shout when you're having a bad day in your office? You don't.

Speaker 1 You don't do that. And so I think it goes back to intentionality.
Am I sharing this for a good reason?

Speaker 1 Or am I sharing this to try and prove myself, which I've done before, or get people to try and understand me, which is impossible?

Speaker 1 I actually sent a voice note to my friend this morning, our friend this morning, because she was saying how, you know, her ex-boyfriend's friends don't like her because of stuff that he said.

Speaker 1 And I said, look, there are going to always be people who, no matter what you do or say, if they've wanted to dislike you, no matter how much you tell them about yourself, no matter how much you try and convince them that you are amazing, if they have already wanted to dislike you, they'll have found any one word, a breath that you've taken that they don't like.

Speaker 1 But if they want to be rooting for you and if they want to see good in you and if they want to love you,

Speaker 1 everything that you say, they'll give you benefit of doubt. Everything you say, they'll give you grace.
And I wrote about this in my notes the other week.

Speaker 1 I was thinking, imagine how nice it would be if people just gave people grace, whether they're oversharing, whether they're not sharing enough.

Speaker 1 Like, I just think everybody is going through duality and so much in their life that it's impossible to know the depths of someone.

Speaker 1 Even if someone was vlogging for 24 hours a day, even if someone was telling you every moment that they were moving, you can't know their heart and you can't know their mind.

Speaker 1 And so it's impossible to know someone that deeply. And the sharing, not sharing or oversharing, I think also

Speaker 1 comes with how you're feeling in the moment, in the day, in your life, depending on what's happening.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I love what you're saying. I think we've created such a judgmental, critical world.

Speaker 2 And it's almost like if you walked into a movie theater.

Speaker 2 and you watched three minutes of a movie and then you walked out and then you walked into another movie for three minutes and then you walked out and you walked into another movie for three minutes.

Speaker 2 That's what we do on social media. That's so true.
Right. You don't ever see the full picture.
So no one has listened to every episode I've ever recorded on any platform I've ever been on. Yes.

Speaker 2 Which would be my full picture.

Speaker 1 And I'd be like, you never talk about purpose.

Speaker 2 Yes. Or yeah, exactly.
Or you never talk about this. Or you know, it's like, but that's how we'd feel if we walked into a movie for three minutes and walked out.
So

Speaker 2 you can only truly

Speaker 2 have an opinion on something when you understand it fully. Yes.
You can have an opinion on anything, to be honest, but you can only truly have an assessment of something

Speaker 2 if you understand it fully. And today, most of us make big assessments on small amounts of information.

Speaker 2 Huge. And we all do it.
I do it too. And that's why it's so important to remind each other of that.
And what you were saying, where,

Speaker 2 you know, I remember a few years back because people were like, oh, Jay and Riley are never together anymore. Maybe they're breaking up.
Like, maybe, you know, all this stuff. I was here for months.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And it's like, no, we travel a lot for work.
We do spend time apart every year, consciously, intentionally planned.

Speaker 2 But if you don't know us and you're not, you don't know our relationship, your assessment of it is completely inaccurate.

Speaker 2 And so this idea of like, oh, maybe they're breaking up, or did you know they don't live together anymore?

Speaker 2 And it's like, well, no, Riley was in London and I was in LA, which are two places that we live in.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, it's, and it's so basic, but, and, and I don't come out and defend or talk about these things or make it obvious because to me, it's not worth it.

Speaker 2 It's not enough, but it's important to help people realize that that's why people don't overshare or that's why they do overshare. And, and so my thing's very clear.

Speaker 2 I really don't share anything to try and get someone to believe I'm anything.

Speaker 1 Yes, you really don't.

Speaker 2 You're so good at that. I'm so happy with whatever judgment and observation.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, just say something about this. You're like, I really don't need to.
I don't need to. I'm so at peace with it.
It's so good.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And it's not that I'm fully at peace with it.
I'm probably probably like figuring out internally.

Speaker 2 It's not like I'm beyond it. I'm figuring out internally.
But what I've realized is my intention is really clear. That's what I'm focused on because I can't change.
It's what you just said so well.

Speaker 2 It's

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Speaker 2 And so I don't want to convince someone to change their mind about me.

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Speaker 1 you know where i found um sharing recently has been really useful.

Speaker 2 I was going to ask you that actually. Yeah, where is it useful?

Speaker 1 Where it's been really useful. So I, and again, this is based on relationship stuff, but one of my friends was really struggling in her relationship.

Speaker 1 And we were speaking about all the people that we know in our families, everyone that we're really close to that she also knows, that I know.

Speaker 1 And I was saying, you know, it's really normal if you've been in a relationship for X amount of time to go through phases that are really difficult.

Speaker 1 You do know that this person in our family has been through it. This person in our friendship circle has been through it.
This person has been through this. These people have gone to couples therapy.

Speaker 1 Me and Jay have gone through really difficult times where we found it hard to even have conversations with each other. We've been through so many ups and downs.
She said, I had no idea.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? I had no idea that was normal. I've seen all of you and none of that makes any sense.
I was like, yeah, these people were at the verge of breaking up.

Speaker 1 And they literally had to spend so much year trying to reconnect. She was like, no way.

Speaker 1 And I told her all of that to make her realize how normal the phases she was going through in her relationship were.

Speaker 1 But I found that so useful because, even within relationships, obviously you have the pictures at events and you have all these little things that you can share.

Speaker 1 And we're talking about online, but even within

Speaker 1 close family groups or close friendship groups, you will not even know what's happening and realize that actually they're going through the same thing as you are.

Speaker 1 And it makes you feel so okay about your situation when you realize you're not the only one.

Speaker 1 And so I think having those, that conversation with my friend was so important because one, it humanized everyone and it wasn't just the rosy relationships that she saw.

Speaker 1 Two, I don't know anybody who hasn't gone through stuff in their relationship.

Speaker 1 And then three, I think sharing it online for a lot of people who are public figures or not even public figures, sharing it with their communities, let's say, the time it becomes difficult is when people take one thing and make it into something huge, even though they've been through it.

Speaker 1 So like me saying, okay, we found it really difficult before. Someone may say, oh my gosh, they found it difficult, not realizing that they've had such difficult times in their relationship too.

Speaker 1 And so I think the judgment ends up going towards people, even when we've created that experience or had that experience in our life.

Speaker 1 But I think sharing in that way has been so useful, even between me and my best friend now. When I say things that I've been through, she's like, I would have never thought that that was you.

Speaker 1 And she's like, oh, I went through that too. And I can't believe we're the same and we've had that in common, even though we're such different people.

Speaker 1 And I think being more open about things like that, especially in our community, because especially, I don't know, you know, wherever you're, whichever community you're in, I'm sure it's quite similar, but painting rosy pictures about family relationships, about partner relationships, about all these things.

Speaker 1 It's so easy to paint a rosy picture and it helps no one because then everyone thinks they're the odd one out when they're going through the same thing that you are.

Speaker 1 So that I found really useful recently after being around my friends and family here.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's one of the reasons why, you know, if anyone ever watched the history of our conversations we've had online,

Speaker 2 99% of them will focus on challenges we've we've had. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that's where I felt sharing is really helpful is my intention is to show that we're all in the same boat. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No one's exactly

Speaker 2 we're all on the same page. No matter how enlightened or perfect or illuminated you feel someone is, we're all in the same boat and we're all struggling.

Speaker 2 And that is when I think sharing is really important. And that's what I choose to share.
I choose to share my challenges.

Speaker 1 I choose to share things that I'm stressed about or you're like that even with your friends, not even just this isn't even in a public forum.

Speaker 1 I hear you speak to your friends about the real, I'm like, oh, wow, I didn't think he was going to talk about that, or I didn't think he would share that with that person.

Speaker 1 But you really do to help them also open up back to you.

Speaker 2 And also just because I also want them to know that that's the real expression that everyone has.

Speaker 1 And it's you being honest with yourself in that moment, too, isn't it?

Speaker 1 I think we can get so covered up by the fake realities we create in our own mind of trying to be okay in front of other people that that share that you end up sharing this false version of yourself and then you come away from that conversation.

Speaker 1 And even though you think you've been vulnerable, you've actually been false vulnerable because that's not actually how you feel. Yeah, yeah.
You haven't actually shared anything. Exactly.

Speaker 1 And so you haven't actually built a connection to anyone.

Speaker 1 I always think that's why I find it difficult when, you know, people catch pictures of celebrities fighting and they put up pictures of it or whatever.

Speaker 1 It's like, have we not all had a moment where we've slammed a door? Have we not all had a moment where we've walked out of a restaurant because we've had an argument, we're a little bit upset.

Speaker 1 And so I think that I always feel so sad for people when I see stuff like that because I'm like, I've had those moments, yeah, or someone's showing it.

Speaker 1 I've slammed the door in the car when I've left before, and or you don't have a clue what was happening anyway.

Speaker 2 Totally, exactly. Someone's resting face is just not smiley enough.

Speaker 1 And so, someone- It's like whenever I'm on my phone, and you're like, Are you okay? And I'm like writing a message, and it's literally me just on ASOS ordering some clothes.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, I'm literally just concentrating. But if someone saw me doing that in public,

Speaker 2 yeah, exactly. And that's, I think that's what it is, is that you can't make big assessments and judgments with small information.

Speaker 2 And it would just make your life more peaceful and easier.

Speaker 2 I think the takeaway I want people to have is that whether you have a life that is online or whether it's your offline life, it's almost like the same principles apply.

Speaker 2 Who do you want to share this with?

Speaker 2 What are you trying to share? And most importantly, why are you sharing it? What's your intention? And if your intention is to make others feel less alone, if your intention is to

Speaker 2 share something so that you feel loved and cared for, help people through what they're going through. And help yourself, these are all beautiful things.

Speaker 2 And no one can tell you whether you're oversharing or overexposed. Only you get to decide that.
Even if everyone goes, oh, you're oversharing, you're over.

Speaker 2 You wanted to share it. As long as your intention's in the right place.
And don't ever feel pressured into thinking that you have to be vulnerable to be authentic

Speaker 2 because it's authentic to be vulnerable when you want to.

Speaker 2 It's not authentic to just be vulnerable anytime, any place with everyone.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I think I'd also add that sharing is similar with your words is similar to sharing emotion in the sense that you're not supposed to hold everything inside and it's not supposed to all live in your head either.

Speaker 1 And so I think part of experiencing life and part of experiencing emotions and part of experiencing pain and happiness, a big part of it is the sharing aspect of it there is a notion of you experience something and then you share it you learn something and then you share it and so we're not supposed to just keep everything inside of us there is supposed to be this action of receiving whatever the whatever it is pain knowledge information and then giving it out to other people and i think we're built to be in communities and sharing is a big part of that.

Speaker 1 And being honest with yourself, a big part of that is also sharing. And I think that's something really important to remember that

Speaker 1 we have to learn to take what's in our mind and be able to say it out loud to really sometimes get the depth or the weight of what is inside of us. But yeah, keep sharing, people.

Speaker 2 Keep sharing. Thanks so much for listening and watching, everyone.
I hope you share your comments, your ideas, your thoughts in the comment section.

Speaker 2 And of course, share this episode with anyone else that you think is concerned.

Speaker 1 You know what? Overshare it. Overshare this episode.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, bye.

Speaker 2 Hey, everyone.

Speaker 2 If you loved that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.

Speaker 2 If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.

Speaker 3 If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue.
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it's so lovely

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