30-Day Breakup Detox to Reclaim Your Life & Rebuild Your Confidence

This is Dr. Laurie Santos from the Happiness Lab.
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Break the patterns. Your brain links routines to them.
If you change your routine, you will change the attachment. Too many of us don't change our pattern, don't change our routine, and expect to change the attachment.
The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.
The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.
It's your host, Jay Shetty, and I am so happy, so grateful that you've joined me today. This episode is dedicated to anyone who's struggling with a breakup.
If you or your friend has gone through a recent breakup, and even though you're putting on a brave face or they're putting on a brave face, you know this has affected you, it's affected them, this episode is for you and them. If you are a student, you can't find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find a way to find

a way to find a way to find a way to find a possible, what are the things that are about to come your way, this episode is for you. I really want you to use this episode as a map, as a guideline, to create your own reinvention, to create your own rejuvenation, and to create your own comeback.
I really believe that this episode will give you ideas, insights, ways in which you can apply to see how to use this as a transformative experience. These moments in our lives come at us hard and fast.
They hit us really hard and they affect all areas of our life. And often when we're going through a breakup, we really feel like there will be no better day.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel. We can often experience this, but this episode is here to remind you, not only will you rise, but you will rise stronger, better, and more resilient.
I also want to make this episode extremely practical and tactical for you, so write down notes, whether you're using your phone or whether you're writing down in your journal, and make sure you come back to this one as well. So the first thing I want to set you is this idea called a 30-day no contact reinvention challenge.
Instead of just avoiding contact, I want you to actively reinvent yourself each day. The reason why breakups hurt so much is because we feel parts of ourself are lost, broken, or gone forever.
And when we realize that actually we're not trying to hold on to what was there, we're trying to rebuild from what's left. We're looking at what has been left behind and what we can do with that, not what we once had.
So I'm going to break this down into five day experiences because often what we think about is we hear things like time will heal all wounds. That's not untrue.
I actually think that is true. But here's the thing.

We need to make it smaller. We need to make it more measurable.
We need to make it more actionable. Does time mean six months, 12 months, three months? So I'm going to give you a 30-day no contact Reinvention Challenge.
Day one to five, potentially the most difficult, hardest, painful days. You just broke up with them.
They just broke up with you. This is the time that you're most likely to run back to them or they're most likely to try and get you back.
Or they're most likely to ignore you and you really want them back. Day one to five will be the hardest days you experience.
Here's what you do. Delete messages.
Remove reminders. Block social media.
Create a breakup-free digital space. It's so needed.
It's so, so needed. And a big part of this is something I call the anti-ritual disruption.
You had a ritual with this person that started to feel like your life. You always texted them goodnight.

You always got a good morning message from them.

You always went out to coffee together on Saturday,

Sundays for brunch.

Break those patterns.

Purge.

Delete the messages,

remove the reminders,

block, mute,

break up free digital space and break the patterns of those rituals. If you always texted them goodnight, text someone else goodnight.
A friend, a family member, someone who's always been there for you, someone who's always around, someone that you may not even remember that often. send them a goodnight message.
You used to go with them every Saturday to get a coffee, every Sunday to get brunch. Change your coffee shop.
Change your brunch spot. I don't really, it doesn't matter how much you love that place or how amazing it was.
Change the memory. Break the pattern.
Take yourself out for coffee. Go out with someone else for brunch.
Switch the pattern up. One of the biggest mistakes we make is we stay in the same pattern wanting to get rid of something.
It is pretty impossible to remove an emotional feeling from a physical place if that physical place mattered to you both. Break the patterns.
Your brain links routines to them. If you change your routine, you will change the attachment.
Too many of us don't change our pattern, don't change our routine, and expect to change the attachment. Now, it is true.
We kind of want to feel close to it. There's a part of us that secretly even enjoys the fact that that place mattered to us.
We still go there. We have some feelings.
I get it. But we have to purge day one to five.
Day six to 10, body reset. Change something physical.
Maybe you're going to change a new hairstyle, a fitness routine, a sleep schedule. We're going back to breaking patterns, but we're breaking patterns of our own.
So the first half was breaking patterns from the relationships, day one to five. You used to message them, you messaged someone else.
Day six to 10, you're breaking your own patterns, a new fitness routine, a new sleep schedule, a new hairstyle, whatever it may be that works for you. The reason why we want to break things so quickly and organically as well, of course, it has to be things you want to do, is because you're shifting and moving.
We're not used to change, especially when you're in relationships. When you get into a long-term relationship or an invested relationship, routines are at the heart of that relationship.
Rituals are at the heart of that relationship. The quicker you shift your rituals and routines, the quicker you change your memories of that relationship.
Too many of us stay in the same physical state. We don't do a body reset.
We stay in the same place for a long, long time. It's one of the reasons why Revenge Body, which I'm not encouraging.
I encourage you to work out for yourself and your own health. But a reason why that idea makes sense, because you're getting active, you're shifting something about yourself, but ideally do it for yourself.
Day 11 to 15 is a social reset. Reach out to three old friends or make a new connection.
By day 11 to 15, you're going to want to text that ex. You might even have been strong up until now and now you can't bear it.
It's not harder than the first five days. It's harder than it felt in those first five days to not message them.
You get pulled back into that old habit. So I'm going to give you what I call the five text rule for breaking the urge to reach out.
This is called the five text rule. Before you text your ex, send five texts.
One to a friend,

one to someone you admire, one to a family member, one to yourself, yep, literally text yourself,

and five, one to a new connection. By the end of that, the urge usually passes because you've created five conversations.
Now you may message your friend and your friend's not available. So usually you'd message your friend and then you'd go message your ex.
Especially if you asked your friend, hey, should I message my ex? Don't make the conversation about your ex. Make it about something else.
Message your friend and ask them what they're doing later. What are they doing this weekend? How's their day going? Ask them questions about them.
Shift the energy from your problems to helping them. Too many of us will reach out to everyone in our life and only talk about our problems.
Hey, I really need to talk to you. I'm really struggling with this.
Hey, I just need to talk about my ex. Hey, I think I should take them back.
Hey, I really want want to message them what should I do? you use the people that are trying to help you to solve the situation about the person who hurt you make it about that person help them, support them, be there for them ask them how their day is going you will get out of your own head so send a message to a friend and don't make it, hey, should I text my ex? Second, someone you admire. Maybe a professor or maybe a DM to someone online, whatever it may be, just someone you look up to.
And again, make it separate from the conversation. One to a family member.
I promise you there's a family member in your life who loves you, who supports you, who's there for you, and you forgot about them. During that relationship, you ignored them, you disconnected for them, and you don't need to do that.
Send a message to that person. Number four, send a message to yourself.
It's a great place to store your thoughts. Often we try and solve our thoughts in our head.
Pretty difficult to do that. It's almost like when you think about it, there's a courtroom and then there's a jury room, right? In the courtroom, the jury room listens, but they go to the jury room to make a decision.
You need to have a conversation with yourself in text form in the jury room. Your mind's like the courtroom where you think you have to make the big decisions, where you think you have to solve everything, but that's not true.
You need to be able to go to a jury room to discuss it, to think about it, to reflect, and the courtroom is just the place you announce the decision. Notice that distinction is huge, right? Often we're just having conversations in our head.
Should I stay with them? Should I text them? Should I take them back? What should I do? And you're almost trying to make this big decision in the courtroom. Text yourself, build a log of how you feel different at different times.
How do you really feel about that person? And I'll come back to that point. But what do you really think? What do you really believe? The courtroom, your mind, is a place to listen, is a place to absorb.
It's there. But the decision is made in the jury room and announced in the courtroom.
When you've taken out that personal time to reflect, to introspect, to think, you can come back to your mind. And whenever your mind says, let's text them, you go, no, we thought about this.
I'm going to text five people first. The five text rule for breaking the urge to reach out is a game changer.
One to a friend, one to someone you admire, one to a family friend, one to yourself, and fifth, to a new connection. Could be someone you're networking with, a community member.
Obviously, if it's brand new, ideally not someone you're dating, but if you're further down the line, it could be that. And all of a sudden you've started five conversations and here's what you learn through this.
You start to learn that there is more connection out there than you actually believe. There is more love out there than you actually believe.
There is more support out there than you actually believe. Let me say that again.
You have to remember that there is more love in your life than you believe. You have more support in your life than you believe.
And you have more people rooting for you than you believe. The problem is you've learned to believe that there's only one person who can love you perfectly.
You've learned to believe that there's only one person who knows what you need. You have trained yourself to believe that there's only one person who can satisfy you.
And when you text five people, you start recognizing that's just not true. There are so many people who understand you.
There are so many people who care about you. There are so many people who value you and you have to experience it.
You can't just remind yourself. You can't just talk yourself through it.
You actually have to practice it. And when you get messages back from your friend, someone you admire, a family member, yourself, you're not going to get a text back from, but you now have that jury room, courtroom breakdown.
And finally, a person maybe that you're networking with, a community member, someone you're dating, all of a sudden you realize you always had that value. We have to unlearn this idea that there's only one person who knows how to love you, that there's only one person who knows how to help you.
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Day 16 to 20 is called the mind shift. Notice how we went body, people, mind, right? So we started with the purge.
So we kind of blocked out everything we didn't want in, but then we started with the body because it's great to feel shift in the body. Then we went the people around us and now we do the mind.
So what we often do with the mind is we just listen to love songs. We watch our favorite romantic movies and guess what? You sit there and you cry and you eat ice cream.
And by the way, there's nothing wrong with any of that. That's okay if you want to do that.
But when you're ready, this is the 30 days that's going to change it for you. The no love songs, no sad movies detox.
Cut out all breakup music and movies for 30 days when you're ready to really get over this breakup, right? This 30 days may come three months after you break up. For some of you, it may come immediately after you break up.
For some people, it may come six years after you break up. But these 30 days have to happen at some point.
Replace them with uplifting, neutral, or empowering content. Start a new book.
Listen to a new podcast. Maybe you're listening to this one right now for that reason.
Start a new course, a masterclass. Flood your brain with new ideas.
It's time to change your mind. Now, why did we go body, people, mind? Because if you try and do this one first, it's really hard.
When you've already shifted your body, you're feeling a new state, right? We all know the feeling. When we change something physical, because we live in our physical selves, it changes everything for us, right? When you change your hairstyle, you almost are surprised every time you look in the mirror.
When you change your workout routine, you're more surprised about the energy you feel. When you change your environment, like the color of a room, you feel different.
So we want to change physical states first, then the people around us, then our mind. A lot of us try and do the mind shift first and it doesn't work, right? It doesn't work.
And this works wonders. This mind shift fuels you with so many different ideas.
And a good thing you can add to this is something I call the reverse bucket list. Instead of listing things you want to do, list things you never want to do or repeat in a relationship, right? We're used to writing down all the things we want to do before we die.
List all the things you never want to do again in a relationship and use this as a guide when you start dating again. So you don't just heal, but you upgrade.

I think this is one of the biggest mistakes we make.

People are just trying to get over their ex.

We're just trying to move on, but we're not upgrading.

And I think when you choose to say,

hey, this is what I'm never gonna do again.

I'm never gonna fall fast.

I'm never just gonna give up my trust.

I'm never just gonna hand them, you know,

whatever it is that you made mistakes on. And again, you don't want these things to be extreme.
You want them to be real. And you may edit them, you may review them, and you may change them over time.
But it's great to start with a reverse bucket list. I want to go back to that idea about a new identity for a second.
It's so important that if your Sunday routine used to involve snuggling up to a movie, make Sundays your workout and meal prep day. The goal is all about erasing patterns and building new ones.
That doesn't mean you'll never go back to that park. It doesn't mean you'll never go back to that restaurant that you loved, right? That's not the point I'm making.
The point I'm making is that we need to shift pattern. We need to edit pattern as quickly as possible, right? We have to do that.
Another thing that usually happens by this date is there are things you want to say to that person, right? By this point, you've reflected, you've thought about it, and now you're like, wait a minute, there's stuff I want to say to that person that I never got to say. And sometimes it's an excuse to just get back in touch, feel a bit of interest again.
A lot of the time, it's just a painful point that you never got closure from them. So what you want to do in this regard is create a private note or text thread where you vent instead of texting them.
So you're not texting yourself, you're now texting them, but it's not going to them. You're not pressing send.
Every time you feel an emotional wave, type out what you'd say to them, but don't send it. And you can read it back later, see how fast your emotions shift.
And this helps you break the illusion that they are the solution to your feelings. You believe that they're the ones to give you closure.
This process makes you realize that you're the only person who can give you closure. What this evolves into is something I call the reverse closure letter that you never send.
Write a letter from your future healed self to your present self. It could sound like this.
I know this hurts now, but trust me, it will all make sense. You'll be grateful for this in the future.
This will turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. And you can read this every time you doubt yourself.
I hope that this is helping. I hope it's resonating.
I hope it's connecting. I want you to find one or two things in here that really move the needle for you, that really help you.
And a few quick ways to think about it is the opposite day technique. If you feel like isolating, make yourself go out.
If you feel like crying in bed, make yourself journal. The goal is to retrain your nervous system so that you're not just sinking into emotional autopilot.
The opposite day technique is one of my favorite ways,

because it shifts you out of your thing. And that's really what we're talking about here.
What we're talking about with all of this is how can you quickly shift yourself, not to make things better, not to negate your feelings, not to neglect how you feel, but to put yourself in a position of strength of being able to actually deal with this in a healthy way. Day 21 to day 25, adventure mode.
Do something you've never done before, right? It's fun. It's exciting.
Set up a solo date night, set up an activity night, whatever you want to do with some friends, find people that you want to do interesting things with that you've never done before. All of a sudden you realize your life is filled with more adventure than you ever thought.
And day 26 to day 30 is reflection. In the reflection phase, I want you to set a 90-day reminder.
Mark a date 90 days from today on your calendar. Write down where you want to be emotionally.
One new skill, hobby, or milestone you will have accomplished or worked towards. And then in 90 days, you have something to look at.
Something to look at how far you've come, something to look at how far you've broken. And remember when you thought you'd never get over this? Look at you now.
Now, healing isn't linear. You'll have moments where you go back and forth, but it will blow your mind how far you've come.
You have to set a future date from which you can look back at where you are now. One of my favorite reflections that I've encouraged clients to do in this regard is at one point when you're ready to call what I call is visualizing them as a stranger.
Imagine running into them 10 years from now at a coffee shop. Picture them as just some person, no emotional charge, no judgment, just neutral.
It tricks your brain into fast forwarding the healing process and reducing emotional intensity. Now you can't rush to that, but it's a really great way of realizing that one day, right now there's all these emotions,

there's all this pain, there's all this stress,

which you're allowed to feel.

One day you won't feel it,

not in the same intensity at least.

And another thing that's really helped me is what I call removing the storyline.

Take a brutally honest inventory

of the relationship's worst moments. Look at the facts.
Did they make you feel insecure? Did you have to shrink yourself and reframe it? You didn't lose them. You freed yourself, right? You didn't lose them.
You actually became free. and I think to so many of us, that's what we're trying to recognize, is that in some way, somewhere, deep down, we know, you know, that this is actually going to be good for you.
It's just that we're holding so strongly onto the idea. and then if all of that doesn't work, here's my favorite.
Change their contact name or delete it. But if you don't change it, save their name as do not text or call.
That simple reminder will block you when you're about to do something. Remove the shared Google photo access, mute and block on Spotify, Venmo, anywhere that it may come up.
Because all it is, is a trigger. Instagram, TikTok, all it is, is a trigger.
And you don't have to be strong enough to not be triggered. I think a lot of us think, well, I'm not weak.
I can still see them and not be affected. We are that weak.
All of us are sent back right down nostalgia lane, memory lane, and that's where we go. Give it a moment.
I really hope this helps. I really hope this supports you.
Let me know who you shared this with. I really believe that these techniques will help you through a breakup.
Thank you for trusting me with your time. Remember, I'm always in your corner and forever rooting for you.
Thanks for listening. And I really, really can't wait for you to listen to another episode.
Hey, everyone. If you loved that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions

that people ask in therapy

when it comes to love, relationships,

heartbreak, and dating.

If you're trying to figure out that space right now,

you won't want to miss this conversation.

If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.

It's really hard to argue.

It actually calms your nervous systems.

Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.
At the Boston Marathon presented by Bank of America, thousands of runners are raising funds for life-changing causes and you can help make an impact. Visit bofa.com slash help a cause to donate and support a runner's fundraising efforts.
Together, we're making a difference one step at a time. What would you like the power to do? Bank of America.
We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.

We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down. I would love to see that.
We're on our way. I hope so.
PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year. Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines.
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