LOVE EXPERT Stephan Speaks: 7 Ways You are Blocking Yourself From Meeting Your Soulmate (Change Your Patterns to Find the ONE)

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One of the most sought after relationship coaches in the world. The most popular voice in the relationship education space.
Stefan speaks. Right now in dating, men have a bad reputation.
Is it fair? Completely unfair. When she goes on that date or she's in that relationship and things go wrong, she may leave out parts of what she did to contribute to the problem.
I think people are not having success in dating because people are not accepting who they are first. I like that.
There are things about us we know, but society makes us feel shamed about it. How do you communicate with someone who doesn't like to communicate? My initial response is going to be, you don't communicate with them at all.
You let them go. If we're having issues with discussing our relationship problems, things that need to be addressed, if we can't discuss it, how can we fix it? We base our perceptions of the opposite sex on what I call the desirables.
I always say the way to determine how serious someone is about you is... The number one health and wellness podcast.
Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.
The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world where you come to listen, learn and grow.
Thank you to all of you who made us one of the top global shows on Spotify Wrapped. If you've been listening on there, I am so deeply grateful to you.
It was amazing to see that connection with all of you. And today we have back the biggest episode, the biggest guest of the last 12 months on YouTube, someone you love, someone you love to learn from, who has so much great insight, so much great wisdom, so many great tools.
And what we both loved is that it was a deep, meaningful conversation that you all connected with. Please welcome back to On Purpose, Stefan Speaks.
Stefan, it is great to have you here. Thank you for having me, man.
Glad to be back. Honestly, like we were just talking about it.
I was so happy to see that a non-clickbait conversation, a non-engineered conversation. It was actually the first time we met.
Yeah, exactly. And we just got into it and the audience and community responded.
It was beautiful to see. So thank you for doing this again, man.
Absolutely, man. Always my pleasure.
All right. I want to dive straight in like we did last time.
Let's do it. I want to dive straight in.
What are the biggest issues that men and women are facing when trying to meet the right people and they keep feeling like they meet the wrong person? I think one of the biggest issues we have in this world right now is we are refusing to accept the differences between the average man and the average woman. Now, I say the average man and the average woman because I understand there are exceptions to every rule.
Nothing applies 100%. However, we have very distinct differences that if we reject, we're going to have conflict in relationships.
So, one that comes to mind and I don't know, this is one I was recently talking about. There's this push that people want to say women want sex as much as men, right? They want it just as much.
That's an absolute lie, okay? As far as I'm concerned, that's simply not true. Now, I once was at a conference, well, not a conference, I was once flown into a...
It was one of those dating sites. They brought a few experts in, they had this presentation, and there was a scientist who brought out this study that showed that, quote unquote, women want sex as much as men.
And I told her, I said, I think there's something wrong here. I think what the study is doing is conflating intimacy with sex.
And the reality is that women want intimacy, okay. I always say if you had door number one, door number two, door number one is just straight sex.
Door number two is hugs, kisses, intimacy, all that. The majority of women are choosing door number two,

the majority of men are choosing door number one.

The reason why this is so important to accept

and this is just one example

of the built-in differences of who we are

that we've got to learn to just accept it

is because now if a man gets with a woman

being told we are the same,

we want sex the same way,

he does not understand how to speak to her

in a way that makes her sexually receptive to him.

Thank you. woman being told we are the same, we want sex the same way, he does not understand how to speak to her in a way that makes her sexually receptive to him.
He thinks, oh, if we just like sex, we like sex. If you're horny, you're horny, that's it and the story.
And no, for the majority of women, there is a mental and emotional component you have to be aware of. If she is in the wrong place, if she's overly stressed, if she's overwhelmed, this can take away all her desire or willingness to engage sexually.
So, by feeding this narrative that we are the same in all these ways, we are not allowing ourselves to learn the differences, respect the differences, and speak to those differences, which will then allow us to have more harmony in relationships. And I feel that if we could do that and really respect the other genders position on things and of course, you don't go in just assuming all these generalized things apply to each person.
But they can be your basic foundation and then you learn that individual and understand okay, well with her maybe she does want sex more than I do, right. Or with this one maybe she wants a little bit more of this.
You are open and you are flexible but I think if people took that approach they would have better dating experiences, better relationships, much better marriages, all right. Because I can't tell you how many times I've spoken to her husband and I was like listen, emotionally, mentally she's not in the right place and he's like that sounds stupid.
That doesn't make any sense. Exactly.
And because and I was like, listen, emotionally, mentally, she's not in the right place. And he's like, that sounds stupid.
That doesn't make any sense. Exactly.
And because, and I have to say to the women, some of them create this dynamic where when they're dating, she doesn't talk about those things being important to her. She kind of plays along with the, all right, she just wants sex that much and she's just ready to go at it with him.
So, he never learns and understands no, she needs more than that, all right. So, we can, again, there's so many different examples I could give but I do think one of the key things to people not just meeting the...
And I'll say, I'll get to that in a second but one of the key things to meeting the right person is just respecting the differences of men and women. Now, piggybacking off of that, the second thing is I think people are not having success in dating because people are not accepting who they are first, all right? Now, a lot of people may say you have to learn who you are, you have to figure it out.
I think a lot of life is accepting who we are. I like that.
There are things about us we know, but society makes us feel shamed about it. Tells us there's something wrong with this.
And so, now we run away from certain realities of who we are. One example I'll give for myself, I'm extremely ambitious.
Maybe too ambitious. I don't know if there's a such thing, but I'm very, very ambitious.
And for me,

I'm always striving for the next. I got to do more, I got to do more, I got to conquer the next

thing. But for a long time, I was told this was bad.
Oh, you need to just enjoy the moment,

celebrate it, stop worrying about the next thing, all these things. And I remember I took a month

where I said, okay, you know what, I'm not going to pursue anything else. I'm just going to rest

in what I have, be happy with it. And it was one of my most depressed months ever in my life.
I felt like a neutered dog. Like it was like you took all the fire out of me.
And when I finally got to a place of accepting, okay, this is who I am and I'm wired this way for a reason. God created me this way because there's a purpose for me to carry out.
How that then opens up the dating or how that creates better dating experiences that now by me knowing this part of me and accepting it, I understand I can only choose someone who aligns with that. You see? But if I'm sitting here trying to be something I'm not, then I'm picking these people who don't truly fit me and I don't fit them.
And that's why you have these relationships or even these marriages where people wake up five years later from this fog, this excitement they had of their partner to finally see what's really there. And it's like, we don't really like each other.
Or we don't get along or we don't really fit well together and we're constantly in conflict with each other. So, if we would just first really put more energy into understanding who we are, accepting who we are, and then we can then realize who we need to pick that aligns with that, that would change the landscape.
And not only would that change the landscape for so many people, it would allow us to stop letting situations drag on longer than they should. Because a lot of people they meet someone they really like them, but they can sense something's missing or something's off.
But the problem with people is that they're being told if you have this great person you can't pass that up, you see. If you don't have a very glaring reason that society deems as valid,

oh, well then you're being stupid

or being ridiculous.

It's like no, you have to trust your spirit,

trust your intuition.

Something is telling you

and it's probably something that you can see

but maybe you can't articulate it

or again, you don't feel like it's valid enough.

But I can tell you from my position

those little things

is what turns into a big thing later

and destroys the whole relationship.

Absolutely, yeah.

Thank you. enough.
But I can tell you from my position, those little things is what turns into a big thing later and destroys the whole relationship. Absolutely.
Yeah. And a third one, that doesn't have to be.
But I'll say this. So, you know, we said, understand the differences, understand yourself.
And the third one would be healing. I have to always mention that because I believe the number one issue that people are facing is a lack of healing.
And that plays into figuring yourself out because again, if you are operating out of a place of fear or shame or you've been told you weren't good enough or something about you wasn't good, even though that wasn't the case, well, that's going to make you struggle with embracing that, right? And if you aren't healed and you're carrying all these negative perceptions of relationships, love, because a lot of people with their words say, I want love, but in reality, they're scared of it, all right? They fear being that vulnerable. So, they actually subconsciously choose partners who don't make them too vulnerable, but they're good enough to be with, so to speak.

Which is what I call the safe choice.

Some people hear me say the safe choice and they misunderstand what I'm saying.

I'm not saying safe as in

this person creates a place of safety for you.

I'm saying this person doesn't take you

to the true level of love,

true vulnerability.

You're able to have emotional control

and manage the situation.

But because of that, you're never choosing someone you're really into and you can never be what they really need either and at some point it's going to fall all apart but it all goes back to healing we've got to heal and not just heal from the romantic relationships from childhood trauma from everything because it all contributes to our struggle to connect with. Oh man, you said so many interesting things that I need to like dissect now.
So the first thing that came to my mind, especially about the accepting yourself, which I really like that idea of rather than trying to just learn about yourself or rather than trying to transform yourself, there's an acceptance of like, who am I? Why am I this way? What does that mean? And I feel like in relationships, people are looking for someone who perfectly compliments them or perfectly fits them as opposed to this idea that, oh, that person accepts me for who I am and allows me to be who I am. So I always say this, I'm similar to you.
I'm highly ambitious, really driven, love what I get to do. I would be the same as you if I took a month off.
Like I get that. Like I relate to all of those things.
And my wife is so much more like a family person, like quality time, wants to be ambitious, but she also wants to be present and all the rest of it, right? And we are not a perfect fit in that sense. But the reason it works for us is because she allows me to be me and I allow her to be her.
I've accepted who I am and I know what that means. And she accepts me and I accept her back.
So if I say to her, hey, you know what? I don't think I'm going to come to that family event because I got this work thing that I really want to get to. She accepts that.
She's okay with that. And if she said to me, I don't really want to come out to you with that business thing that you've got today.
I really want to just spend time with my family. I'd be like, cool, I get it.
And I feel like we're just looking for someone who kind of wants to do the thing we want to do with us all the time. But then you start realizing it becomes about one person.
But talking about ambition, I wanted to ask you, do you think that men today are struggling with being attracted to ambitious, driven, successful women? Yes. But so, OK, I guess the reason why I'm hesitating in the way I answer that is when you say men today, because I would argue it's probably always been like that.
I just think that more, there's more ambitious women now and so there is this disconnect there. And I think that the disconnect though isn't simply based off of men not wanting an ambitious woman.
I think we got to go a lot deeper than that. Let's do it.
And the unfortunate reality is that and I want women to understand, you know, again, I recognize that there are some women who generally are wired that way, all right. They, it feeds them.
The same way it feeds us, it feeds them to be achieving, to be doing stuff and I'm a firm believer, I want women to walk in their truth, whatever it is. I will say though there's a segment, at least a segment, a large segment of those women who are ambitious out of necessity or even fear.
They've been told never rely on the man, they've been told you have to take care of yourself, right? And so, with that they chase this career but it's actually at conflict with who they really are because deep inside they actually are the woman that values the family time more, being at the home, and there's nothing wrong with that. But they have a segment of society telling them, oh, you can't do that's wrong.
You need to be out there strong woman do your own thing. And so, those women will have a conflict in dating because they're already at conflict with themselves, okay? And that has to be corrected.
So, I always encourage women like, listen, be real with yourself. There's a lot of women who they do the work that they do, not because they love the work or having to work, but they love the lifestyle it affords them, okay? Which is why for many of them, whenever we have the conversation about why can't you date a man who's making less, right.
Well, part of it is because in the back of her mind if she has a dream of one day being able to leave work she wants a man who can keep the lifestyle up, okay. And if he's making less well then in her mind how will he be able to keep her lifestyle and maintain him? It's like no, he's got to be making as much or if not more so that I can keep this life that I've built for myself and I love very much.
But again, I think it all starts with understanding okay, is this really who you are or not? Now, going back to the men, I do think there is a struggle with a lot of men. One of the things that at least it comes to mind first for me, the issue of low testosterone.
And so, I'm very passionate about the whole testosterone issue. And I do want men to understand it's deeper than just testosterone because sometimes we're so fixed.
Like you can have high testosterone, but if your cortisol levels are too high, your body's not even processing the testosterone correctly. Your stress is blocking it.
If your vitamin D is too low, if your B2... There's other things that can throw it off.
So, don't think of life as let me just fix my testosterone and that's it. But that can be a huge game changer for a lot of men.
So, if you have a man who's already... Because I always say some men are not lazy, they're unhealthy, all right.
And if he is not healthy, he has low testosterone, his ability to handle, embrace, respect and ambitious is going to be a struggle in some ways. Well, it'll be a struggle in the sense that it might make him feel inadequate the way that she may carry herself with that ambition.
However, I would argue that some of those men, a lot of those men probably want the ambitious woman simply because for him I need somebody who can carry the load, okay. And if she's going to come into my life and stabilize me then great.
The real problem is the ambitious woman does not want that man. She's probably in most cases looking for a man who is also ambitious, right.
And this is where the disconnect comes

because now it's kind of like the whole discussion

of having two alphas in a relationship,

two very strong personalities,

there's no real balance there, okay.

And for a lot of women

what they're overlooking is what most men value

or at least most men

who are ambitious themselves,

who do take care of themselves,

Thank you. of women what they're overlooking is what most men value or at least most men who are ambitious themselves who do take care of themselves they're looking for a compliment to that.
They're looking for someone who can love them, pour into them, you know contribute to a peaceful environment. He doesn't care about your money and your ambition as much, right.
But the guy who doesn't have for himself well he, he's going to put more value on those things. And it becomes this mismatch of individuals.
So, a lot of these women who are ambitious, it's not that they cannot get a man, they're struggling to get the type of men they desire, all right? And again, as I said earlier about how we focus on the desirables, not the non-desirables. When she says, I can't meet anyone, she's not literally saying I can't meet any man.
She's just saying I'm not meeting anyone I actually like and want to pay attention to. So, in her mind I'm not meeting anyone, you see.
And so, there is a problem with a lot of men and I do think again I would pose the question to a lot of women, are you going to be happy in the long run in that kind of a dynamic? Yes, that's the question. Is that really going to serve you or is that a right now in the moment thing? Because there's a lot of ambitious women who accepted maybe the less ambitious man, right? Because he figured, all right, well, he loves me.
He'll be there for me. I can trust this relationship.
But then over time, she becomes frustrated with him. He doesn't take initiative.
He's not as assertive as she wants him to be. He doesn't exude the same level of masculine energy that she desires for a man.
And that will take its toll. And eventually, it will probably blow up the whole relationship.
Yeah. And it's a tough situation to be in because you just don't have any idea where things are going to go.
Right? You don't know. Like I always say that when my wife met me, I was in debt and had no job.
And she was, you know, wonderful enough to like be in love with me in that place in my life. And we didn't know that things were ever going to change, but she was kind of like, as long as we're stable and you find a job and we're good, then things will be great.
And I remember that giving me a lot of confidence. Like, even though I was in such a like place of like, I remember I was getting rejected from companies.
I wasn't getting any jobs because I just left the monastery. Like I wasn't, it was really tough getting back into work, but her being there kind of gave me confidence in myself and kind of made me go, oh wow, well, if a woman like that can, you know, believe enough to be with a man like me, then, then I've got to work for it now.
And I think the key is, are you, are you willing to do that in a way that gives someone confidence? Or are you someone who gets so affected by it,

no matter what gender you are,

well, you're now making the other person feel bad for it.

Whatever gender you are, if you're always like,

oh, come on, you're just lazy.

Oh, come on, you need to do more.

If you feel that way about your partner,

chances are that that's going to push them away,

not motivate them to do better.

Absolutely.

But I think what has to be considered in using your situation as an example is that she didn't have to create ambition in you. She activated it.
She energized it, okay? But it already existed within you. So, for her, it was very fortunate that she found a man who actually wanted to make more of himself.
The unfortunate reality is that there's a lot of women who will take that approach with a man and believe, okay, if I love on him and point into him, this will get him to step up. And it's like, no, he does not have it in him.
And there's nothing you can do. Like, when you think about it, anyone who's successful has had experiences where whether it be friends, family, or random people where you've tried to help someone and no matter what you gave, you can give them the whole blueprint, right? You can fund them, you can do everything and it still becomes nothing.
So true, so true. Because it's just not in them.
We cannot make them into something that they're not. So, I think it's important that for a woman, if you're going to take that approach, you have to do your due diligence of understanding who he is as a man, his true character.
Are you projecting a fantasy and a potential on him that doesn't really exist, all right? What does he see in himself? Like I would argue, I don't even know what conversations you guys had but there's a very good chance that if I was there you were speaking as a man who wanted to accomplish things. Yeah, for sure.
So, she was just, all right, I'm going to support that, I'm going to get behind you. That's very different from a woman saying to me, like, for example, well, you could do this and you could become this.
And it's like, okay, no, he has to want that. He has to have that vision.
It's a great distinction. You see? And I think that's where people, you know, get tripped up and end up in a situation where...
And to your point, the key is ask yourself as a woman, are you going to be okay if this man never changes? Because you're placing a bet, all right? There's no guarantee you're going to win this bet. Are you going to be okay if this man never changes? If not, I would suggest...
Because here's another angle we can look at. Her presence, her love gave you confidence.
But did that have to be given within the context of a girlfriend, boyfriend relationship? No, it could have been. Exactly.
So, if a woman really believes in a man, but she knows if this man doesn't change, I'm going to be really upset, all right? And I'm going to feel cheated. Then all we're saying is maybe don't cross romantic lines yet.
Let that man know. Because I'll tell you this, if he has it in him and he has a desire for that woman and that woman said to him, listen, I think you can make a great partner.
I would love to be with you, but I need you to get to a more stable place first. If he's serious, that's his motivation right there.
That will get him because as long as he knows,

oh, I can get the woman of my dreams,

the woman I love, if I put into work,

okay, I'm going to do that.

But by getting with him while in the process,

for a lot of men, they only do to acquire.

And if they already acquired,

then what am I going to do anything for?

Why do I need to go work and all this extra stuff or try to do more to make more money when I'm getting fed, I'm getting sex, I have a roof over my head. For a lot of men that is enough.
There's only a smaller segment of men who you can give them all those things and it doesn't matter they have to do more it's just who they are. So, that has to be acknowledged and recognized when a woman's going to determine if she's going to actually engage in that kind of a dynamic.
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That's drinkjuni.com and make sure you use the code ONPURPOSE. I feel like right now in dating, men have a bad reputation.
Men get a lot of blame. Is it fair? It is completely unfair one of the big problems that exists is that a lot of women are not being told accurate stories of other women's dating experiences now that isn't to say there aren't genuinely bad men out there bad experiences and all that but what they fail to understand is be their friends, their family, whoever, when she goes on that date or she's in that relationship and things go wrong, she may leave out parts of what she did to contribute to the problem.
And so, you're hearing this very one-sided view of the situation which is going to almost always paint the man in the negative light. And so, the woman starts to develop this very negative perception of men based off all these stories she's being fed.
Then you add the internet, right? And the internet is built off of sensationalism and people coming up with all kinds of craziness to make the opposite gender look bad. So, whether it's men talking about women or women talking about or the same gender talking down on their gender whatever it is they're trying to hype up negative stories.
So, even though these negative stories exist we don't always realize they're not so much the majority. They could be the minority they're just being pushed a lot more and so yeah, it does create this very unfair this unfair view.
And I think there's, again, a little bit on both sides, to be honest with you. Talk to me about how do those negative stories actually affect us? Because I think we don't think about that sometimes in terms of if every time you're talking to someone, it's like, oh, yeah, this just happened.
Oh, yeah, yeah, same thing happened to my friend. Oh, yeah, same thing happened to that friend.
And like you said, we don't have the full data. It full data it's not always happened to us yeah and then it spreads but what does that psychologically and even emotionally do to our own mind and brain and heart well i think it's just human nature to where we take our negative experiences and we project it onto that that demographic of whoever it's attached to so it's like if someone gets robbed by a certain demographic of people, they may start to develop a fear towards those people.
Even though it was one isolated incident, they now become cautious to them. So, in dating, when you start to experience or hear all these negative things towards men, let's say, well, you're naturally going to become more defensive, more negative.
And then what you don't realize is you create these self-fulfilling prophecies

because you go into the dating experience

bracing for negativity or projecting it.

Not realizing you're creating it, okay?

And so, what also makes it worse

and it hit me when you were asking the question

is that, and again,

I don't want women to feel like I'm just saying like women don't take any responsibility or anything like that because there's plenty of women who do. However, it is more likely when a woman goes to her friends and family to tell them that this relationship fell apart.
They're going to say, you know, you're better than that, he doesn't deserve you, those type of things to build her up, make her feel good, not really pointing out where she may have gotten things wrong. The man goes to his friends and other people about the relationship that fell apart.
Man, you were stupid anyway, you should have done this. Like they're going to come down on him regardless.
And whether he likes it or not, he's going to have to accept some level of personal accountability. Well, that also now shapes how they approach the next dating situation.
Now, unfortunately, I do think that there are some men who when they run to the internet and they hear women bad, women bad, women bad, they become blind to their own flaws. But I think you can make the argument that women have an audience of uplifters more than men do.
And that will now skew how people view the opposite sex and now those negative stories are only going to have even more of an impact. Because if I'm being told as a woman, I'm great, nothing's wrong with me, these men are horrible, right? And there's nothing for me to do different.
So, then anything that goes wrong will always be viewed through the lens of men are just horrible people. Like you're never going to think well, wait a minute, maybe there was something missing from this story or maybe she could have handled things different.
No, you're going to jump right to they're bad because that's what you're being told over and over again and then it's being solidified by some of your own personal experiences, but you may not realize what's contributing to those experiences even coming about. Yeah, that's a really interesting way to look at it because there was a Facebook group, and I forget what it's called now, but it's basically for, I think it's called, Are We Dating the Same Man? And it's been built because there are so many women who are experiencing men dating them at the same time,

even though he's saying he's exclusive with one.

So I had this happen to someone that I know recently.

And she was seeing this guy for like six months.

And then they were, or three months, sorry.

They were seeing each other for three months.

They were getting a bit closer. It was long distance.
He'd come out to see her. And she was about to go and see him.
So she messaged him and said, hey, I'm coming out. I just want to make sure that we're taking it in the right direction because she's buying a flight.
She's coming over. She's investing in the relationship.
And this guy who messaged her every day just ghosted her. So she went on to this Facebook group and she wrote about it a few days later when she was like, wait a minute, this guy's not getting back to me.
I've lost the flight ticket, not in a great place. And then this other woman messaged back and was like, hey, let's connect offline.
So then she shared her story. This guy supposedly is married.
He's then been dating this other girl who just found out that he's married, saying he was going to get and now he was dating the person that i know and so i think when you hear a story like that it's no surprise that that spreads because that's a fascinating juicy story and it's heartbreaking for the people that are actually invested and involved in it and i think that empathy even when i heard that story i was so heartbroken but we But we have to remember that isn't the majority. It does exist.
And it's really sad. And if it's happened to you, I'm so sorry.
Like, I feel like that could be the worst thing to go through. But it isn't the majority.
And we have to be careful about how we amplify the minority experience. Exactly.
And I think what we're not realizing as a society is that the reality is there, we base our perceptions of the opposite sex on what I call the desirables, all right? That top 20% of men or women who get the most attention, who have the most opportunities. And it kind of goes back to that belief of how great power can corrupt, all right? So, even the good nice guy if he now becomes a man who has all kinds of beautiful women coming after him, he has all this access.
Not all but there are many who will start to fall into behaviors that they wouldn't have before. Who will start to become more of a womanizer, who will start to enjoy all this access that they have, right.
And the reality is that when we hear these stories, this is not a story of the average man who just wants a relationship, looking for love, is genuine, maybe he doesn't get all the attention, maybe he's not the most desirable guy, but he's a good guy. But that's not where we're going to put our attention.
And it's the same thing with women. When you hear men on the internet say, women just want money, women just want money.
Not granted, women value financial stability in men most, okay. And I think that most men should strive from some level of stability.
However, there are tons of women dating broke men, all right. There are tons of women who that is not their number one priority, it's a desire, but they want to be loved.
They want quality time. They want these other things.
But again, if it's not being said by the audience that the men fixate so much on, they don't hear those voices. They just focus on the women who, again, and I'm using the word desirables, not because I'm determining what's desirable.
I'm just laying out the people who get the most attention, who tend to get more attention. For whatever reason, right or wrong, that's what happens in life.
And so we got to realize that they do not represent the majority. And we have to ask ourselves sometimes, are we focusing too much on the wrong group of people when we're trying to come to an understanding of the opposite sex for sure when when people are dating what are some of the things to look out for when you're thinking about long-term success because i think the challenge people are having now is like someone will love a bum them for three months everything's moving amazing it's getting really intense like dates are great hanging out it's great the intimacy is.
And then all of a sudden it's like one person kind of checks out and goes, Hey, I don't think this is working for me. We're moving too fast.
Hey, we should slow this down. Hey, I think, I think we've rushed into it.
And then you're like, wait a minute. I thought we were going to get married.
Right. I thought this was going somewhere.
What are we meant to do? What are people meant to do in those first three, six, 12 months if you had to give markers to kind of slow it down? Because I think we all want to fall in love fast, but it doesn't seem to ever work healthily that way, or it doesn't work often healthily that way. Well, before I get into what we should do with those markers, I always say this, love bombing is only when it's a one-sided thing.
So, basically two people meet, one person is showing them with all this love and attention and going hard. And for the other person, it's not them saying, oh, I'm in love with them.
It's them saying this feels so good. Yes.
I'm enjoying this. Let me keep this going, you see.
But if you both and let's use a different example where you can have two people meet and they both feel this intense connection immediately. They are both feeling strongly about each other.
To me, that's not a love bomb, all right. That's just a connection that two people are embracing a lot quicker than maybe some others would, all right.
Yeah, good distinction. So, now if those two people moved quote-unquote fast by society standards, I don't have a problem with that.
As long as they do their due diligence, which is part of what we got to do within those times, marker times. But there's nothing wrong, like I knew a couple, they came to one of my events, they got married I think in like three, four months.
And they said, they watched one of my videos and family and friends were like, oh, this is stupid, this is wrong. But they heard me explain it and they're like, this was them, this applied to them.
They felt a connection, they were on the same page. And what people have to understand is one couple's three months is not the same as the next couple's three months.
So, one couple in their three months may have been talking every single day, spending time multiple times a week, asking all these questions,

diving deep to each other,

meeting each other's families.

They've done so much due diligence,

they don't need years more to figure this out.

The next couple, they talk here and there,

they see each other once a week,

every little week, they're very busy.

Yeah. And so, the moments together feel great,

but they really haven't spent enough time

diving deep into each other.

Thank you. they're very busy.
Yeah. And so, the moments together feel great but they really haven't spent enough time diving deep into each other.
So, we have to remember that. But as far as what we should be doing is we should be trying to learn as much about the person as quickly as possible.
I think too many times we have an approach of like going with the flow type of deal. For sure.
All right? And we'll just figure it out as we go along. And in reality, there's a part of it that doesn't want to rock the boat.
Because again, we're enjoying the companionship. If you're having sex, you're enjoying the sex.
There's different benefits here that you don't want to let go of. So, you're purposely or subconsciously not asking questions, you know might be a problem.
Yes,? Yes, so true. And so now, when things blow up a year later, you never know some...
No, you wouldn't ask the questions that need to be asked. The quicker you can put those questions out there, the quicker you can expose and I used the word expose, not in a negative way, but in a way of gaining clarity.
Revealing. Yes, revealing who this person is and what we have with each other.
Yeah. Okay, but I also think that it always starts with we have to be honest about how we feel.
Too many people are choosing their partner based off of do they love me rather than do I love them. Oh, so well said.
Okay, and if you don't truly love them, if you're not in love with them, nothing else matters. Because if you think it's going to be safe for you to pick them because they love you.
So, when you have that scenario where you said, all right, things are going real fast, let's paint it. Man love bombs the woman, he's going hard.
And let's just say he's really infatuated with this woman. So, to him, he believes I'm into this woman.
To her, she doesn't really, she's not into him like that, but man, he's a nice guy, this feels so good. All right, I'm going to go along with it.
Six months, eight months pass, whatever, he pulls back. This is not always the case, but in many cases, he pulls back because he finally wakes up and realizes, dang, I'm doing all this for this woman,

but she's not really into me.

And it may not be him coming to that realization first,

it might be a friend or family members like,

no, do you see how she moves?

I noticed you do this,

but she doesn't do this for you.

And then he starts to think like,

man, wait a minute.

She really, she's not coming at me the way I come at her.

But in that moment, let's say he tries to pull away. Well, she's enjoying this attention so much she doesn't want to lose it.
Whether she's in love with him or not and her fear of losing it now tricks her into thinking I'm in love with this man. So, now she fights to keep him and then now he feels okay, validated.
She's trying. They move forward.
But the reality was they were never both truly in love with each other. He was infatuated and she was just enjoying how it felt.
And they reached a point where she was afraid to lose this. And of course, whether you're a man or a woman who's the one going hard, you don't want to feel like all your time was wasted.
You don't want to feel like you were wrong. So, if they give you anything to hold on to, you're going to run with it.
For sure. And next thing you know, you're married with kids and you're like, well, what happened? What happened was you two were never truly in love with each other.
Yeah. So, in those three months, six months, whatever, do your due diligence and really be honest with yourself about how you feel about this person because if you don't have it in you, trust and believe whatever they think they're having for you is not true love.
It's something else going on. We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill.
PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one. That's terrifying.
That's fair. Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E.
We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down. I would love to see that.
We're on our way. I hope so.
PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year. Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines.
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It pays to Discover. Learn more at discover.com slash credit card based on the February February 2024 Nielsen Report.
Oh, watch your step. Wow, your attic is so dark.
I know, right? It's the perfect place to stream horror movies. What movie is that? I haven't pressed play match you, like, because, and you wanting them to match you isn't even fair because it was already above and beyond what a normal person would do.
And so even when you're sitting there and you're going like, oh, well, they're not doing the same thing back for me or whatever. It's like, yeah, no surprise.
It's only three months. And like, how are you expecting someone to reciprocate in that way in three months? i think for me you know what you hit the nail on the head like i've been looking at and i can't relate to in dating anymore because i'm not dating but i was looking at a new business opportunity and i was meeting a potential new business partner and it was the same exact thing i felt a good connection so did they we're really excited to going.
Then I spoke to some good advisors that I have in my life. And they're like, have you asked these questions? And I was like, no, but it just feels good.
I haven't asked these questions. They're like, well, you should ask those questions.
And the whole reason I didn't want to ask those questions is because I thought it would ruin the connection. But it was so funny.
I sat down last week, asked the questions. And actually the questions made me feel more confident.
But there were more questions I realized I hadn't asked. So now I followed up with those questions.
And that's what I realized. If you are scared of asking questions because you're scared that they will weaken the relationship, it's actually the other way around.
If you ask the right questions and it's the right relationship, it will strengthen the relationship. Exactly.
You'll actually come closer. Yes.
And so asking the right questions isn't about ruining a good thing. It's about making sure it's an actually good thing.
Exactly. And I've been feeling in business all this in the last couple of weeks.
It's been my life. So you've really opened my eyes to that right now, that just how much we're so in our head about trying to save something that doesn't even exist yet.
Exactly, exactly. And like you said, if it's going to scare them away, then you saved yourself the time because it was going to be a bad situation.
So never fear it. We just have to get out of our own perception of what we think we want or what's good or what's bad.
It's like, no, just if it's not there, it's not there. And that means something better will come along.
Yeah. Is the cliche, if he wanted to, he would, true? It is absolutely false.
I hate that. It is one of the many I hate.
And here's the reason why I hate it. It can be true.
So, okay, if we look at human beings as when we're younger and we haven't experienced any trauma, disappointment, all these things, then I think something like that can be true. So, think about like two kids in high school, right? And the boy's never experienced love.
He falls for some woman. There's nothing that will pretty much stop him in many cases from going after that woman, pursuing all these things.
But the reality is that as human beings, we go through life experiences that make us cautious, that make us fearful, that cause us to doubt, right? And so now it can create a level of hesitation, unwillingness to cross certain lines. So yes, a man could love a woman, he could be willing, but you have to find out what may be the blockage.
So, to me, I will apply that saying if a woman has let it be known to that man what she needs from him, okay? So, if for example, two people start dating and she's really big on communication, right? So, she wants to hear from him every single day, okay? He's calling every few days, right? And some girlfriend says to her, well, if he wanted to, he would. And she runs with that and cuts him off because, well, clearly he must not be serious.
But what you didn't know was the last girl he dated when he called her every day, she felt like he was smothering her. So, now he's scared to call every day because he doesn't know what you want.
He doesn't want to come off needy or overbearing or whatever. So, he's trying to play it cool.
It has nothing to do with his desire or willingness. It has everything to do with him trying to navigate this situation because of what he's either been advised or been through or whatever.
So, that's why the key is if that same woman says to him, listen, I'm not hearing from you as much as I want to. If you're going to date me, I need to have constant, you know, consistent communication.
We need to talk every single day. Now, if he's really serious about her, he'll call her every day.
You give him the green light, he's going to do it, you see. And if he's not serious about her, then he will probably come up with excuses.
He'll dance around it, whatever the case may be. But now, you can run with that statement because it's been made clear to him.
But there's so many underlying things going on and so many reasons, especially when you consider the advice being given on the internet nowadays, all right? Like there is literally advice that tells people ignore someone if you want them more or want them to want you more, okay? Like literally, when you understand what people are being fed, then you start to realize it's not as simple as if they want to, they would. No, talk to them first.
And then I always say the way to determine how serious someone is about you is not in seeing what they do on their own, it's seeing how they handle your expression of concerns and feelings, all right? Okay. That's what's going to show you not just how serious they are about you, but how mature they are.
And if they're emotionally ready to be in a relationship because someone who cannot hear you out is not ready for a real relationship, all right? But if they can sit, talk to you, listen, not dismiss, and now positive changes. All right.
Then it's all good. Yeah.
But I find that's the thing. Going back to your third point, I find that's the thing that's so hard today because that requires healing to be able to hear someone out, to be able to listen to someone's concerns and challenges and how they feel and to actually validate it without invalidating yourself.
Right. I think that's why we struggle so much, because if someone's saying something like if you were saying to me, like, hey, Jay, like, you know, I don't like the way that, you know, your friends speak to me when they're around.
If I hear that, I start defending my friends because I'm like, what are you doing? My friends are amazing. They're the best.
They're the greatest. Now I've invalidated you to validate myself because we think validation means I invalidate you, I validate myself.
Or if I validate you, then I'm invalidating myself. Maturity is, oh, I could validate you and also stand true to who I am.
That's a healed individual. And so I can agree with you and I can also share my perspective.
But I find that if we're looking for that off the bat, don't you feel like that portion of people is really small? It is. But this is the unfortunate, harsh reality.
Because that portion is so small and because we overlook those types of issues, well, that's why we have so much unhealthy relationships. That's why we have such a high divorce rate.
And I always tell people, people love to harbor on the divorce rate as an argument not to get married. And I'm like, hold up.
If we could quantify the breakup rate, it would probably make the divorce rate look like child's play, all right? People break up way more and so much trauma, so much hurt happens in the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship dynamic. So, the reality is that yes, if we took this approach that said someone needs to be emotionally mature before we can enter in a relationship with them, relationships will plummet.
There will be a lot less relationships. However, two things would happen from that.
There would be more healthy relationships and people would start to realize this is an unacceptable trait that they're carrying with them. If people are experiencing where they can be dismissive, they cannot learn to be emotionally in tune and mature and intelligent enough to how to handle someone's feelings and concerns, well, they will never understand the need to fix that, all right? And it's the same, it's that same issue, like literally I was just coaching a married couple who they're going through it right now.
And one of the big issues is they're both very dismissive of each other when they're expressing their concerns, all right. So, it's like yeah, you can look past this if you want but you're going to pay a price.
Is that price worth it? And most do not survive that. At some point you're going to have to learn it anyway, right? So, I just think yeah, I think it'd be best and I understand.
And I'm speaking idealistically, realistically, most people are going to overlook this issue. Most people are going to give a pass, right? But I think even if you're going to give a pass to a certain extent it needs to be discussed, it needs to be understood.
And to your point I love that you said because I literally just did a video on my men's channel about how to communicate with a woman more effectively. And one of the things I expressed was how listen in that situation where she says I don't like the way your friends speak to me.
You can still say, I understand that's how you feel. I don't see it that way, but let me try to understand why you feel that way.
You see what I'm saying? So, I'm going to meet you where you are, I'm going to acknowledge your feelings. I'm still going to express my view is different than yours, but let's see if we can come to an understanding of this.
That in itself would eliminate so many arguments. Totally, totally, yeah.
So much conflict just by doing that. So I do think that men and women, everyone needs to understand we need to strive for that at the very least.
Yeah, yeah, for sure because it's, but that's what that unhealed, immature version of us does. It just wants us to stay in the zone of I'm right, you're wrong, it's my way, you're always not working out, and we got to do it this way.
And I think the other thing that's really blocking a lot of people, and I ask you this, not because I'm trying to give a question that I think a lot of people ask, but actually, no, it is. I think this is an important question because I think a lot of people have a type, going back to your desirables, that they're looking for.
Is that helping or hurting them when they're dating? So there's nothing wrong with a type to a certain extent as long as you're not so married to that type to where there's no flexibility outside of that, all right? But I do think that at the end of the day, and this may sound bad to some people, but this is just the reality of it. The more desirable you are the more it becomes even necessary for you to have a type.
So, the analogy I like to give is let's just say someone's applying at a job at Walmart and that's no shade to Walmart or anyone who works at the Walmart, right. But the reality is that to be a cashier at Walmart comes with less requirements, right? And not many people are all lining up to go work at Walmart.
So, Walmart might get five applicants, right? They can sit down with each applicant, they can be more flexible and see who fits the job. If Google is hiring for a six-figure or seven-figure position, they're going to have thousands of applicants, right? There's going to be a greater level of requirement.
There has to be at this position. And now, they can't sit down with every person.
They're going to have to weed them out. And once upon a time, how do they do that? They would eliminate you by the color of your resume, the font on your resume.
Forget your qualifications, okay? Just the mere presentation because they had to. They had to weed it down to a certain segment and then from there choose who's going to be best.
So, in dating and relationships there's nothing wrong with honing in on your audience that you want to pull from. However, I think that...
Not I think, I know that connection can transcend our type, okay? And I believe the key is always being open to connection in whatever package it comes. Now, I want people to understand when I say whatever package, it doesn't mean you won't be attracted to them, all right? It doesn't mean you're going to be disgusted by them any kind of way.
It just means that plenty of people, if not everyone, even when having a type have found someone outside that box that they found attractive, all right? That they may even feel drawn to. You have to be open and flexible in that way, all right? And I think for me, it's less about having such a strict type but more so fundamental principles.
Like I think attraction is important, all right? Communication is important. There's a level of...
If you're into energy or you can pick up on people's energy, that's going to be important. And to me, those are foundational things.
It's less about what they got to be this tall or they have to have this type of job. But there are some core traits that there's nothing wrong with that.
So, I do think for those that the type is working against it's because they might be too strict, there no flexibility, and they're also not understanding are you the type that the type wants, okay? So, you can want your type all you want, that's fine, right? Nothing wrong with that. But are you really tapping into the type of partner they would want? And it's not even...
Are you willing and both can you sustain that,

all right?

Because there's a lot of people

trying to present

a certain kind of way

to get this type of individual

and they may get them

but they can't keep it up.

I'm going to give one example

and again,

it's never shade to any gender

when I use them as an example

but let's say there's a man

who wants this

ridiculously beautiful woman,

right?

Who is accustomed to the high life, all right? And having all kinds of men shower her with gifts and money. And he knows, one, he don't have money like that.
And two, he does not have the desire to keep up that lifestyle. But he's so infatuated with this woman, he goes and he pulls out all the stops, fancy dinners, gifts, all these things.
And he gets her. But then after a few months, the real him comes out.
And now, he doesn't want to go to the nice restaurant. He doesn't want to take the nice trip.
He thinks that bag is way too expensive. Okay.
And now she's pissed off because it's like, wait a minute, you sold me on this. And to him it's, oh, you're ungrateful.
No, you tricked her. You tricked her and you tricked yourself.
Because you were so fixated on this and to him it's oh, you're ungrateful or you're... No, you tricked her.
You tricked her and you tricked yourself because you were so fixated on this type and this person but you never questioned can you really be that? Are you really that and can you keep that going for the rest of your life? And if you can't, all right, go to a different type, a different type of, you know, person whatever that fits who fits who you are. And it goes back to really understanding who you are, accepting it, and embracing the type of people who fit that individual.
We were getting where we couldn't pay the bill. PG&E asked customers about their biggest concerns so we could address them one by one.
That's terrifying. That's fair.
Joe, Regional Vice President, PG&E. We have to run the business in a way that keeps people safe, but it starts driving costs down.
I would love to see that. We're on our way.
I hope so. PG&E electricity rates are now lower than they were last year.
Hear what other customers have to say and what PG&E is doing about it at pge.com slash open dash lines. Are you still quoting 30-year-old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past.
Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back.
Welcome to the now. It pays to Discover.
Learn more at discover.com slash credit card based on the February 2024 Nielsen report. Hey, y'all, it's your girl Cheekies, and I'm back with a brand new season of your favorite podcast, Cheekies and Chill.
I'll be sharing even more personal stories with you guys. And I know a lot of people are going to attack me.
Why are you going to go visit

your dad? Your mom wouldn't be okay with it. I'm going to tell you guys right now, I know my mother and I know my mom had a very forgiving heart.
That is my story on plastic surgery. This is my truth.
I think the last time I cried like that was when I lost my mom. Like that, like yelling.
I was like, no I was was like, oh, and I thought, what did I do wrong? And as always, you'll get my exclusive take on topics like love, personal growth, health, family ties, and more. And don't forget, I'll also be dishing out my best advice to you on episodes of Dear Cheekies.
So my fiance and I have been together for 10 years. In the first two years of being together, I find out he is cheating on me, not only with women, but also with men.
What should I do? Okay, where do I start? That's not love. He doesn't love you enough because if he loved you, he'd be faithful.
It's going to be an exciting year and I hope that you can join me. Listen to Cheekies and Chill season four as part of the of the My Cultura podcast network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
For sure. And that's such a great example, because it's a simple one, but it actually applies to all the deeper things too.
Anything you're infatuated by in another person, and you pretend to be that, whether it's you're interested in a specific sport, you're interested in hanging around those places, you're interested in their business. Like you said, you're tricking yourself.
And so many people are doing that. And a lot of these are tricks, and you even called out some of them.
I think there's so much bad advice right now. There's so many of these kind of myths that are just floating about.
And one of the big ones is, I want to get your take on this. Should the person you're dating or seeing feel jealous when you get attention? Is that a sign of love? My instinct is to say no 100% no Yeah, I'm with you I think to be honest with you there's a level of insecurity there alright now don't get me wrong I do think when we love someone there may be at least some part of us, right? That's going to have an eye open to all this attention you're getting.
For sure. I think that's natural.
But to be bothered by it usually speaks to you not having a sureness in yourself, all right? And in the relationship. And in the relationship, exactly.
That and that's such a key. So, I want to give a quick story because I think this is...
Please. Lines up perfectly.
I once had a man, he came to me, he was having a problem in his marriage and his issue was his wife had this male best friend who she was showing all this attention to, okay. And he was like they would be arguing about this friend and she just doesn't want to let go of this friend and all these things.
And I said, well, listen, trying to argue against her friend when she's saying it's platonic, there's nothing there, you have nothing to worry about is a very difficult battle. Let me ask you, what's the quality of the relationship? And he's like, oh, it's not that great.
We got some issues. I said, okay, before we worry about this friend, let's focus on solidifying the relationship, all right.
Let's make that strong, let's make that good and then see what happens. He hit me up, I want to say like three, four months later, he said, man, your advice worked perfectly.
By him shifting his focus to the relationship quality and fixing everything in there, the issue with the friend completely disappeared. She naturally was not showing the friend any more attention like she was anymore, just everything fell into place.
So, going back to your point about jealousy, yes, I feel people aren't being honest with themselves that they do not feel secure in their relationship for various reasons. And this attention that your partner is getting is a threat to you.
It is a threat that well, what if they like it so much they take someone up on their offer, all right? But if you really felt good about yourself in this relationship, you're just not going to worry about it. And I think also it goes to a level of, I'm going to use the word evolving in life and understanding that you cannot control everything.
So, to me, I just feel like, and I have a feeling you're probably the same exact way. I'm not going to be worried about this attention again because at the end of the day if you're going to do something wrong you're going to do it wrong.
Me trying to police you it's a waste of my energy it is too stressful I don't want that life, all right. Do your thing.
Now, if you do something you're not supposed to do you will pay a consequence I will let you go. But I'm not going to sit here and check on this and watch this or you can't go here.
Man, do what makes you happy, enjoy yourself and I want you to live in your truth. I don't want to suppress you in any kind of way.
And I'm going to bring this up and I'm just going to say this is a theory. I'm not saying I'm accurate but it's something for everyone to think about.
So, talking about attention, I do think that in most cases, the dynamic is usually the woman getting a ton of attention and the man not knowing how to handle that. And there are a lot of men on the internet who like they go in on these women who, oh, you're always wanting this attention, you're posting here.
There was even celebrities once that talked about something like that and they went in on her. Anyways, I have this theory or this question I was like, what if attention for women is like sexual desire for men? And what I mean by that is you'll hear men make the argument of, well, I can have sex with these different women and it's nothing.
It doesn't mean anything to me but they just enjoy the sex. They would never leave the woman they love all these things and I'm not advocating for any cheating or anything.
I'm just explaining this dynamic. Yes.
Well, that's how a lot of women view attention. She may enjoy attention but she has no plan on entertaining any of those men.
She will go back to her man but she still likes to get a compliment. She likes to go out and hear people say, oh, you look good today.
Oh my gosh, that dress is nice. But it's not because like she's this bad person.
It just might be an inner desire. And again, there's going to be different scales of that desire.
There's going to be some women who don't want attention at all. They don't like it, right? But there's going to be others who love it.
And I think sometimes we demonize these things and it goes back to understanding and respecting the differences between the genders and between individuals, okay? And you, I think for a man, if or for a woman, if you're dealing with that person, what's important is to understand why they enjoy the attention. Where does that come from? Does it come from an inadequacy? Does it come from you not giving them attention? Are they starving at home? So, now they have to go outside to get it, right? Or is it someone who just they feed off of that stuff, they love it, but again, it doesn't make them a bad person.
But to go back to your question, I don't think you have to be jealous of someone to love them. I can love you to death and not get jealous, you know, because again, I'm not worried about it.
But I do think when we do get a little bit jealous, that's also like, it's just normal. Yeah, it's normal.
Yeah, I feel like the discomfort is natural. When it gets to jealousy, and you're kind of ruining the relationship you have and now checking up and policing as you said that starts to become unhealthy and then ultimately if it's leading to an internal insecurity between you and yourself i mean it can spiral out of control and i think sometimes we almost want the other person to feel jealous that's what i was trying to get at it's like okay this feeling of like oh they don't get jealous when i get attention it's like well it goes back to what you were saying we're just trying to play games yeah like if it's coming from that place of course am i uncomfortable when it happens of course i am if you love someone you like someone of course but i don't want to make my partner have to feel jealous when i'm feeling that way like that to try and keep them in entertain and try and keep them interested but that goes back to the point if you are looking to make them jealous is it because you're not getting what you need in this relationship in general? Probably yeah.
You see what I'm saying like something is probably missing we're not because a lot of people will do things to just get a reaction out of their partner as because they want to see that you care. Yes.
And if I have to see that you care that means you're not showing me in other ways or at least I'm not feeling it in other ways that you care. There's a disconnect there.
So, rather than jumping to the whole make them jealous because that's a dangerous game to play because what people don't realize is, yes, you may have succeeded in making them jealous, but you may have also planted a seed of insecurity. And now they have to worry.
Do you really want someone else's attention in time? Are you entertaining someone else? And so now, you got this initial great feeling of their jealousy but what's the backlash that comes from it later on? You see what I'm saying? What have you created? So, to me, you got to go to the... It's always about getting to the real root of the issue.
Why are we behaving in this way? Why are we trying to make this happen? Now, I think there's some couples where they just playfully do these things it's not that serious to them, right? And that's fine but you just want to make sure this is not coming from an unhealthy place because you're going to create a more unhealthy situation. One thing I love about your advice is that you're constantly encouraging people to have deeper communication.
You keep saying, hey, but you got to understand why you feel that way and where that comes from and how that person processes it. And you, in all of your work, your amazing books, your YouTube channel, you're always talking about communication.
How do you communicate with someone who doesn't like to communicate? Because there are so many people I know that if their partner asks them this kind of question, their partner will be like, I don't really think about that stuff. Or I don't really know.
Or just go quiet. I've heard this from so many people.
I'm sure you see it all the time. How do you communicate with someone who doesn't want to communicate? Well, my initial response is going to be you don't communicate with them at all.
You let them go. Let's say you've already gone too deep.
Yeah, and we know it's not always that simple. And this is part of the problem of not understanding ourselves coming into it because the reality is that levels of communication or what each person needs is going to differ, right? Some people need a lot of communication, some not much.
And so, when you're dealing with someone who cannot communicate, I do think you have to ask yourself one, if this is not going to change, are you going to be okay? And also, which types of discussions are we unable to have? So, for example, if a woman or man wants to be able to have like political discussions with their partner, right? And their partner doesn't want to engage in that type of stuff. To me, that's not worth leaving them for.
Now, of course, everyone's different and if it's going to bother you to the point where it's going to affect your ability to show up in this relationship the way that you need to, then you still should walk away regardless of what it means to me or how I view it or anyone else views it. However, I do think one of the things we're missing in many relationships is understanding how we can supplement certain things, right? So, you know how they say it takes a village to raise a child? I think it takes a village to have successful marriages and relationships.
Because okay, maybe and again, I'm just going to use the women as an example. Let's say you had something stressful happen to you today, you want to call your husband, right.
But he's busy right now and he's busy a lot and that can be very frustrating. Okay, well maybe you can supplement it by talking to your mom first or your female friend.
That way you can get all your frustration now, you can vent, he can do his thing, and then when he has more time later you can do a quick recap. And now that works for everybody, you see what I'm saying? But the problem is for some people when your partner is your whole world and you don't have any outlets, this creates a lot of frustration and conflict.
So, I do think that's one when we consider the whole communication issue. But if we're having issues with discussing our relationship problems, things that need to be addressed, that is, it's hard for me to give any kind of work around that because if we can't discuss it, how can we fix it, you see? And so, of course, I'm all for you know, trying to understand what this person's hesitancy is, why they struggle in this way.
Because a lot of times it's not as simple as well, they just don't communicate. Totally.
There's something going on. Maybe they feel like you're not going to listen to what they have to say.
They're used to being dismissed. Like I have to throw out there, I love women, but women swear they're the greatest communicators and a lot of times they're not, okay? And they don't realize how in that moment because they're so, women are so in tune with how they feel and they're so immersed in it that it's easy for them to become blind to how it's impacting someone else or how someone else is feeling in that same exact moment.
See, when she's calm and cool, she probably can pick up on things easy, right? But when she's passionate, when she's feeling strongly about something, whatever, she's frustrated, that blocks a lot. And so, a lot of women don't realize in their discussions with their partners how negative they were, how dismissive they were, all these things.
And the dude shuts down. And so, going forward, he doesn't want to talk about anything because to him it's pointless.
This isn't going to go anywhere. This is going to be you saying how you feel.
You're not going to listen to how I feel. What's the point? It reminds me of how a lot of men don't want to go to counseling because they view counseling as a one-sided affair.
The woman's going to say all the bad things that he does and when he tries to express himself it's going to be used against him. So, he's like what's the point? So, as a woman or a man because it can happen to both sides you have to start with am I creating an environment for healthy communication? Period.
All right? Because if you're not any attempts to pull out of them more communication is not going to work. Yeah.
All right? So, start with checking yourself, checking your energy, checking your tone, how are you approaching things? I also think for people who are struggling to communicate, consider doing it via letters, right? Some people struggle to talk, but maybe if they can just write it down on their own time, it's going to be so much easier for them. And then we can discuss the letters verbally, right? But start with the writing.
And I think the writing is good even for those who can communicate verbally because it's so easy for us to get distracted, for people to deflect, for things to get just go off track in a verbal conversation. But in a letter where you get to sit down and make sure everything comes out, you're checking your tone, it's just a more full experience.
And then for the person, when we listen, we tend to listen to rebuttal. When we read, we read to process.
Okay? So it's a very different approach that we take mentally. So now it's easier for your partner to understand and take in what you got to say when they can read it.
And they can read it over and over and they can fixate on one part. Okay, this might be what you mean.
And now we can discuss it and dive deeper. I think that would unlock a lot of people's communication issues right there.
That's a great answer. And also when you're forced to write, you don't say that much stuff that you don't mean.
Yeah. Right? When you have to write something down consciously, chances are you're going to word it.
Exactly. You're not in the heat of the moment.
Yeah, because you're trying to explain it and you don't just write it down in the same way. And as I was hearing you speak, I was just thinking there's something I really want women to know that you might be the first person in that man's life that's actually asked him what's going on.
That's true. And so you may have to invite him to that conversation more than one time.
You may have to make space for his emotions and feelings more than one time. And if every time you ask him, it's more of a demand and a stress and a force and a push, then actually it's just going to make him quieter and quieter and quieter.
But if every time it's an understanding and it's space and it's open, then there may be a chance because I feel like, you know, for most men, they were never asked about their emotions or feelings. There wasn't a space that they naturally just opened up.
And hey, if someone's not opened up for 25, 30, 35 years, it's going to be hard for them to just come out with it because you asked a great question. Exactly.
And so it's not that you're wrong or it reflects badly on your relationship. I just think a lot of men just haven't been given the opportunity to be there.
Absolutely. And the reality is for some men, certain things we just are not emotionally invested in or attached to in the way that she might be.
And so to her, it's like, well, you should feel something about this. And like, no, I really don't.
I don't see this any kind of way. I just want to go on with my day.
And he may genuinely mean that. And so, again, it goes back to respecting the differences between the genders.
We do not process the same. We do not feel the same a lot of times, right? So, that's going to lead to different levels of expression because there's not as much to express in certain situations.
And it's just like, again, you got to make sure you can be okay with that. It's not even a right or wrong thing in many cases.
It's just a, okay, does that work for you or no? And if it doesn't, it's going to cause a problem. All right, then maybe we are in the wrong relationship.

But if otherwise, all right, then we can still work past this. Yeah, for sure.
I'm really glad we went there because I think that's blocking so many people in that space. I feel like one of the big things that we talked about last time, and I wanted to talk about a bit differently this time, is breakups.
because I feel like there's still this feeling that people have and they can't not where if someone breaks up with you it breaks your world you take it completely personally and it makes you lose faith in love so someone not only broke up with you they broke your faith in in love. And now you don't believe love exists.
What are the natural feelings and emotions we all have to go through in a breakup that you can't avoid? Well, one thing I want to point out before I get to that is this. I think we have to start with understanding love is not relationship.
We're conflating those two things and it's creating all kinds of issues and confusion, all right? Like you'll hear people say, well, everyone deserves to be loved. Okay, they can be loved by their mother, by their friends, by society, whoever.
That doesn't mean you qualify for a relationship and someone can love you or you can love someone. But if certain things aren't in place to have a successful relationship, still won't work.
So, we have to understand that a breakup doesn't automatically mean someone doesn't love you nor does someone want to be in a relationship with you mean that they love you. Because a man or woman who wants to use you could want to be in a relationship with you, could want to marry you, it has nothing to do with love.
It's two separate things, all right. Now, with that understood what we have to understand when we're going through a breakup is one, all is not lost.
Like we got to start there because it's so easy to feel like our whole world is now crumbling before our eyes, we're devastated how are we going to get past this and it's like listen, all is not lost. There's been billions of people who have gone through a breakup and who have survived.
But who all felt like in that moment they don't know how they're going to continue, okay? We have to remember this is just a moment. Life is about moments, all right? If you let the moment get the best of you it can throw everything off.
But when you can conquer that moment you're're on the right track you can keep moving forward in a good direction. So, keep that in perspective but of course that's hard to do when you're still going to the breakup.
I also think going back to the point that I made is stop questioning if they love you, okay. Because that I think is what weighs on some people the most.
It's like I gave them all this time and all these years and they didn't even love me. It's like no, no, no, no.
They could have still loved you but there's another issue that exists here. And what people, this goes back to unfortunately, I understand because I'm a coach and I've spoken to thousands of people and I've seen millions of situations how much different issues play into why people do what they do, okay.
But everyone is so used to the very surface level perspective of, well okay, if for example, if this person breaks up and they jump into a new relationship where clearly they never loved you. That's not true.
Some people do that because they love you so much and they can't deal with the pain and they figure I need someone to distract me from this. So, they don't love the new person, okay.
Now, granted, could it be the other way around that they never loved you? That is possible, that is possible. But it isn't always what you think it is, all right.
So, trying to dwell on and question if they love me it's not healthy because one, we cannot prove or disprove it, okay. They can claim it, we just have to accept whatever is being presented to us.
Because at the end of the day, what evidence can you bring forth that says guaranteed this was love or not love. But two, you just don't, you can't rely on what you're seeing and experiencing to answer that question.
And the question is less about do they love you? And the better question to ask yourself is are we best for each other right now? Because even if there's love, if we're not best for each other right now, this is probably a blessing in disguise, all right? And most breakups, if not all, are a blessing in disguise. We just can't see where the blessing is in that moment.
The blessing could simply be for some people, not all, that the relationship is needed certain things addressed and you guys will be able to come back together and make it better than ever. The blessing might be this was never the person for you.
And had they not broken up with you, you'd have never walked away from them. Like I've said to people, and this may sound bad, but this is just real.
I've said at my shows before, some of you needed to be cheated on. Because if you weren't, you would have never left that relationship.
But you always knew it was an unhealthy relationship. It was toxic way before the cheating occurred.
But you were in denial of that and were trying to hold on to something that wasn't best for you. And you needed something strong enough to break you free from that situation.
So, it's a blessing as much as it hurt in that moment. The other thing we have to...
You mentioned it and I think it's very important for you to understand is stop internalizing the whole thing, all right. Because again, even in situations where people break up with us and they hurt us and let's say we can't point to anything wrong, right, that was done.
We don't know what they're battling. Like we, it's the whole hurt people hurt people, okay.
It's not really about us, there's something within them. So, I recently had a situation where a woman is devastated because a man broke up with her because his family would not accept her.
They did something that they weren't supposed to do early on in the process that goes against the family's beliefs. And even though this man loves her, he wanted to marry her, but the family was like, they'll disown him if he goes forward with it.
So, in something like that again, she has all these questions running through her head, she's internalizing and it's like no, but there's something at play here that even he can't... Well, I'm not going to say he can't control because he can choose to not let his family...
Yeah, exactly. But that's not as easy as oh, if you love someone you'll do...
No, it's not that simple unfortunately, right? So, there's just so much more at play. So, going back to the question of the emotions we go through during the breakup, the main thing is I believe we do have to give ourselves a moment to grieve.
It's normal, it's okay. And in grieving it's about releasing, all right? So, if you need to cry, cry, right.
If you're angry, let yourself be angry. Flush out, detox all those emotions but then we have to pick a deadline.
Like I'm a believer in I don't give myself any more than three days, all right. Three days to grieve, whatever it is, whatever disappointment, hurt, after three days get back on my feet, get to work and go through my healing process, all right? For some people it might be seven days, for somebody else it might be two, whatever the case may be.
You have to give yourself a structure of, all right, I'm not going to dwell in this. I'm going to start working past this in a healthy way.
Because again, too many people focus on the whole get under someone to get over someone which is completely unhealthy and bad, okay. And all these other methods of trying to move forward that are only keeping them stuck emotionally but they're moving forward on the surface, all right.
So, there's a lot of people who've moved on to other relationships, even marriages, but never overcame it emotionally.

And they do not realize how that is still playing a part, not only in who you choose to be with, but in how you show up in that relationship. For sure, man.
For sure. So yeah, it's such a, when I'm listening to you speak,

I'm just thinking like there are so many people

carrying someone else's baggage into a new relationship and not allowing the new person to be the person they are. Yeah.
And you realize it's your old baggage that's blocking this one. Yeah.
And their old baggage that's blocking this one. And then you may lose that one.
In that, do you believe that there's right person, wrong time? Absolutely. I'm 100% believer in that.
I know a lot of people argue against it, but I have so many stories of people who, let's say, met in college, right? And something went wrong. And then 10, 15 years later, reunite.
And maybe even in between that time, married someone else or other relationships or whatever and now they're back together and it's the best relationship ever. Again, it goes back to people understanding love is one thing, relationship is another.
So, you can experience connection, you can experience real love but if that person still has things they need to heal, it is very likely going to derail the situation, all right? If they are not ready, maybe they haven't gotten themselves together in certain ways that they can feel more secure about themselves. That's going to derail the situation.
People need to evolve. It's not as simple as, oh, we love each other, everything's supposed to work perfectly.
That's not life. That's not real life.
I would love for it to be that way. It's just not.
And so, a lot of people don't accept the fact that, and I'm a very spiritual person. So, I believe in praying about everything.
And I believe one of the mistakes people make is that for those who are believers, they don't pray and talk to God about if they should move forward or if they should be with this person. And they don't realize that sometimes we can be presented with something so that we can see that it's there, but it doesn't mean it's time for us to have it yet.
It's almost like sometimes you can be presented with an opportunity business-wise. And you may feel like, yeah, I'm ready for it.
Let's do it, boom, boom, boom. But you're not really prepared.
Now, if you went from a spiritual place and understood and let God, your spirit guide you, it would tell you, no, slow down. Don't do it just yet.
But think about it like the person who they win the lottery. They win millions of dollars.
They've been hoping for this all their life. And they blow through that million in a few months or their whole life is ruined.
Why? It was not time for them to have that kind of money. They did not learn the lessons they need to learn.
They were not prepared for that level of financial freedom or whatever, access. And the same thing happens in relationships.
People aren't ready for that level of vulnerability. They're not ready for that level of responsibility.
You know, perfect example is like if a woman finds her first love in high school or man or woman, but I'll say this happens a lot to women where she's head over heels over this guy. But this is a young man who has not developed at all emotionally.
Chances are he's going to mess up and this situation is going to fall apart. And those who have survived, not all, but many who have survived finding love that young, they either one, just dealt with all the bumps and stayed together or they had that village around them to help them get through these situations, to teach them.
He had guidance, she had guidance that allowed them to have love and make it work at such a young age. So, when you hear about back in the days people marrying younger, they had community.
That made a huge difference. But now you have people essentially on an island being young, trying to make a relationship work and it's like, yo, like we're asking too much.
Some people get lucky but the majority won't survive that. And I'm using a high school example, but that can happen as grown adults.
People can be 30, 40, 50 years old, older. And certain things have stunted their emotional growth.
And they're still not truly ready for that level of commitment. So, yeah, but again, that doesn't mean they're the wrong person, okay? Because the person is about the character, it's about the traits that fit together, right? That can be in harmony with each other, but they still have to develop certain aspects that will allow a relationship to thrive.
Which is why some people, I feel the need to say it's kind of hitting my spirit, you'll have these situations where they can be great friends, but they can't be in a relationship, right? And for some of those people, it's a matter of when they try to be in a relationship, they were not emotionally ready for that. And there was conflict in how we handled that.
But who they are as people, it's like this, right? So, that's why the friendship continues and now, I don't want to ruffle any feathers but I'm going to say it, for at least some of these people, that's their true love. For sure.
But because everything went wrong the first go-round, they're too afraid to leave the friendship box. So, now it's like, nah, let's just be friends.

That's where we operate best, right?

But in reality, no, you guys just need to evolve emotionally and heal,

and you will actually be able to come back together for some people.

Not all, because I don't want every friend person right now thinking.

That's their situation.

50% always wanted that too.

You know, but it happens a lot. I love that.
Stefan, I've got one last question for you and it applies to both. So it'll be two answers.
Okay. If there's a man and a woman listening right now and both of them are feeling insecure about dating, unconfident about relationships, they've had a bit of rough luck.
They're trying to do the work on themselves, be aware, accept who they are. They're doing the healing, but they're in a tough place.
What would you say to them? Just keep pushing forward. Like, don't get discouraged.
You know, everything is a process. It's like even trying to become successful.
The majority, if not every successful person that I know, has a story of having to go through the grind and having moments where we want to quit. We want to give up.
We're like, this is not working anymore. I can't keep doing this.
But we trusted, whether it be our spirit, our passion, whatever, kept pushing and eventually the breakthrough happens and then boom we're successful the rest of our lives as long as we keep working we're successful. And so with dating and relationships I believe it's the same thing people want love to be this very pop it in the microwave and everything's ready and it's like no it's a process and you may have to meet several And I say meet.
I'm not saying you have to get romantically involved with everybody but you got to come across some situations, you got to learn, you have to grow. And even when you're doing all the right things, don't think it's not working.
It reminds me of working out. You can work out for months, do all the right things, look yourself in the mirror and be like, there's no progress.

Why?

Because all you're looking at is your stomach.

And you're like, well, my stomach hasn't gone down the way I want.

But what you're failing to look at is your arms are more cut, you got more muscles in your legs, your stamina is up.

What you're doing is working.

You're just looking at the one final result to validate the work.

So understand that in this process, you are growing, it is working, things are developing. But yes, the relationship result may take a little bit longer.
And it's kind of going back to that fitness example. What they tell you is when you're losing fat, sometimes it'll lose everywhere and then the stomach will be the last place.
And then when it finally hits the stomach, it comes off like crazy. So, it's the same thing.
You might be seeing all these other things improve first and you're not seeing the relationship, you're not seeing the relationship. But then when it finally hits, it's great, it's amazing.
So, just keep pushing forward, keep doing what you need to do, continue to be open to whatever you need to improve upon.

Never get in a mindset of,

well, I'm great and the world is just ridiculous.

It's like, no, no, no.

What can I continue to do better?

What can I tweak?

What adjustments can I make?

Because sometimes it is a matter of

a small adjustment that will make a huge difference.

And I think as long as you keep an open mind and you don't view not having the result right now as a defeat, right? You understand this is a process. You will get to your destination at some point.
Well said. As Stefan speaks, thank you always, Stefan.
I appreciate these conversations with you. You always have like this ability to just pull things apart,

to really look at them for what they are.

I really appreciate you, man.

The way you think about things is so refreshing and all encompassing.

And I hope everyone who's been listening or watching,

I hope you have better fortune from a deeper place

because of the advice that Stefan shared today.

And please make sure you subscribe to Stefan's YouTube channel.

Check out his books. If you're someone who loves reading and listening, audiobooks too.
Yeah, absolutely. And Stefan, is there anywhere else you'd like people to find you right now or anything you've got going on? Just go to my site, Stefan's Speech Shop or my YouTube, you know, check me out.
Hopefully I can connect with more and more people and just help as many people as possible. Find love and find just a better overall life.
It's not just about relationship. Well, at least it starts relationship with self, you know, and getting that right and everything else falling in place.
Well, for me, self and God. Absolutely.
Well, I'm excited to have you back. Thank you, man.
You always have an open invite. My pleasure.
Thank you, my friend. Thank you.
Thank you. If you love this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex

and find true love in your relationships.

People should be compassionate to themselves,

but extend that compassion to your future self

because truly extending your compassion to your future self

is doing something that gives him or her a shot

at a happy and a peaceful life.