David Wells, Chill Week From Tahoe + Mt Rushmore Of Worse Situations To Dump

Speaker 1 Hey, Pardon My Take listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
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Speaker 1 So, y'all know that we're big fans of Cracker Barrel. And this holiday season, I will be sat at their table with a big plate of country-fried turkey.

Speaker 2 And, Brandon, I'll be right there with you, and I'll check it off my Christmas list in the country store while I'm at it. It'll make a nice holiday tradition.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's so cute of you.

Speaker 2 Enjoy all the more holiday traditions only at Cracker Barrel.

Speaker 1 On today's Pardon My take, we're in Lake Tahoe for Chill Week. And we have an awesome interview with David Wells coming.
We interviewed him this morning. It was great.

Speaker 1 We're going to talk about Chill Week. We've got Hot Seat, Cool Throne.
We're going to do the Mount Rushmore of Worst Places to Have to Shit. or situations to shit.

Speaker 3 Or situations you find yourself in that you have to take a poop.

Speaker 1 Like Gwyneth Paltrow's house.

Speaker 3 If, yeah.

Speaker 3 Diarrhea. Diarrhea is different.

Speaker 1 That is true. And And then we're going to do part in your take.
Great show. It is Chill Week.
We're also going to explain Chill Week because I did a bad job of that.

Speaker 1 We never really told anyone what we were actually doing with Chill Week.

Speaker 3 That was actually remarkably chill of you.

Speaker 1 That was chill of me.

Speaker 3 It is unchill of a listener who complained.

Speaker 1 Well, it wasn't a complaint. It was shout out to FSU Brando.
He was like, hey, what actually is Chill Week? And I was like, good point. Never fucking said it.

Speaker 3 It's a fair point, but also, if you're chill, then you know. Yeah, that's true.

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Speaker 1 Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 of work to be done.

Speaker 1 No place to hang out or washing.

Speaker 1 And then I can't name all on the sun. Oh no, we're gonna rock it down to electric avenue.

Speaker 1 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're gonna rock it down to electric.

Speaker 4 It's part of my take.

Speaker 1 There's another partial sports.

Speaker 1 Welcome to part of my take.

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Speaker 1 And welcome to Chill Week. I notice

Speaker 1 what's up with your guys' hats.

Speaker 3 Is that not chill?

Speaker 1 Might want to turn it around if you want to be chill. Colin Coward would hate this week.
I don't know. I don't know.
Come on.

Speaker 1 We can't have three back come on go do it yeah what if i just that's chill yeah look at hank cracking open of course like all right so we're in to

Speaker 1 explaining chill week there's probably some awls are like does this mean grit week's gone no grit week is still coming first week of august uh this is chill week an idea that we've been tossing around for a few years in that we see this golf tournament that happens in tahoe every single year it's uh seems awesome American Century Championship.

Speaker 1 And we're like, we should go out there and chill and interview some people.

Speaker 1 And finally this year, we got our ducks in a row and we're like, hey, let's go do it. So we're out here.
Shout out the people from American Century Championship. They were accommodating.

Speaker 1 They have been accommodating. They're letting us do interviews at the clubhouse this week.
And we're in Tahoe. And videos.
And videos. We're in Tahoe.
We're chilling.

Speaker 1 We went wakeboarding. Video will come out.
We went frisbee golfing. Video will come out.
We're really good at both. Yeah, and

Speaker 1 we're just having a chill week. It is very chill.

Speaker 3 I like it out here. It's a very chill town.
Lake Tahoe is great.

Speaker 3 Amazing. Hank.

Speaker 3 Hank is in love with it. It's one of the premier destination spots for vacations, as told by Hank Lockwood.

Speaker 3 It's a good place to get a bunch of interviews, too, because there's a bunch of really big-name players out here. And the good thing is,

Speaker 3 I think people are more ready to talk to you when they get off the golf course. Yeah.
They're like ready to go.

Speaker 1 Oh, I mean, David Wells was incredible today. He had stories for days.
But yeah, it's, I mean, yeah, we're working a lot during chill week, but we love our job.

Speaker 1 Like, I had a moment coming back from frisbee golf today. I was like, today rocked.
We just hung out with the boys all day. This is our went on a boat, did an interview, played some frisbee golf.

Speaker 1 Vibes were high.

Speaker 3 This is our phase me. Yeah.
That's right. We're getting ready for camp.

Speaker 1 We're just chilling out. Yeah, Hank did say that like two hours into today.
He was like, yeah, I think I like Lake Tahoe. It's like, oh, no shit, dude.

Speaker 1 It's where everyone goes in vacations. It's a beautiful, beautiful place.
It's really good.

Speaker 3 Is there like a bigger discrepancy in terms of swank level for an airport that you have to fly into, like a city that you have to fly into to get to the destination that you end up at?

Speaker 3 Because you have to fly into Reno to get here.

Speaker 3 And I wouldn't say that Reno, like, Reno is a fun town, but it's also like, if you're laying low, if you're ducking some charges, Reno is a pretty good spot to go.

Speaker 1 Reno 911.

Speaker 3 Yes, but you have to fly in there to get to Lake Tahoe. So you get like a taste of grit when you land, and then the destination is really chill.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Probably the biggest discrepancy in terms of cities with that.

Speaker 1 And we're just chilling. I don't.
I mean, like, this is, we have a couple more days here, but if it's anything like today,

Speaker 1 sign me up for more.

Speaker 3 I think that actually the boys behind the camera have a much chiller week than we do because they're in Margaritaville. Oh, yeah, that's chilling.
That's the chillest place on Margarita.

Speaker 3 I'm a little upset I'm not in Margaritaville this week.

Speaker 1 They are also just shoot video while we we were waiting for

Speaker 6 the players.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and they also were going to finish this podcast and they're going to work all night. And then we have an interview at 8 a.m.
But yeah, they're chilling.

Speaker 3 But Margaritaville.

Speaker 6 If I could trade places with them, I would.

Speaker 1 You know what? If I learned, if I knew how to edit, I would edit for you guys today. That's how chill I am.

Speaker 1 That is. Hey,

Speaker 1 so we should talk about whatever's going on in the sports world. You know what's not chill?

Speaker 3 Mike Gundy.

Speaker 1 Mike Gundy had

Speaker 3 Mike Gundy, he double-dipped into it today.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so the story is Ollie Gordon, the incredible running back for Oklahoma State, got a DUI, what is like a month ago or so. Mike Gundy was big, or sorry, I was about to say, oh, it is Big 12 still.

Speaker 1 I got confused. Big 12 Media Day.
Mike Gundy said, I looked it up on my phone, talking about Ollie Gordon's DUI. I looked it up on my phone.
What would be the legal limit? Two or three beers or four.

Speaker 1 I'm not justifying what Ollie did. I'm telling you what decision I made.
Well, I thought I've probably done that a thousand times in my life. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He said that he has been over the legal limit of driving over a thousand times in his life.

Speaker 3 You know how old he is? This made me feel old because when I think of Mike Gundy, I still remember the, I'm a man, I'm 40. Mike Gundy's 56 now.
Yeah. So I did the math, so that's 35 years, right?

Speaker 3 That means that. Well, wait.
35 years. Since you're 21.

Speaker 1 Okay, well.

Speaker 1 38 years.

Speaker 1 He's claimed to have over a thousand DUIs. Right.
so he probably wasn't following the law.

Speaker 3 This would be like 32 times a year is what we're looking at. Mike Gundy driving drunk 32 times a year.

Speaker 3 I mean, it wouldn't shock me.

Speaker 1 I was trying to figure out what exactly his point was. And

Speaker 1 he could have just said, hey, and, you know, DUIs are not a laughing matter. It's like, hey, he made a mistake.

Speaker 1 He knows he fucked up.

Speaker 1 We're going to figure out a way to learn from this. Instead, he was just like, yeah, dude, he had four beers.
I do that all the time.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Mike Gundy was like, I think that the police need to quit being pussies. Like, come on.
It was a 0.10. So, yeah, he said he broke it down by weight to see how many beers that he had.

Speaker 3 And then my favorite part of this was he said, if there's any punishment, I'm probably going to just give him the ball 50 times in the first game.

Speaker 3 That'll show him. I'm going to give him extra carries.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't. I mean, Mike Gundy, I guess.
I guess he's keeping the Big 12. Like, I wouldn't have known Big 12 Media Day was happening today if it weren't for Mike Gundy.

Speaker 1 So credit to you for the Big 12 being in relevant today. I don't think for the right reasons.

Speaker 3 The commissioner also said he's not going to rest until the Big 12 is the best conference in the country. Oh, good luck.

Speaker 1 So he's just never going to sleep.

Speaker 3 He's never going to sleep. Well,

Speaker 1 they've had some good runs, but losing Oklahoma and Texas does not help.

Speaker 3 Yeah, best in the country.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I think the new Big 12 is going to be very, very fun.

Speaker 3 It's going to be fun for sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I'm also very excited because no one ever talks about,

Speaker 1 you know, all the college realignment is always football-centric, which I get because that's the main motivator. But like Arizona and Kansas playing Big 12 basketball is going to rule.

Speaker 1 That is going to be getting a lot of people. Well, that's kind of things that you think about.
And like the BYU and UCF

Speaker 1 and a nice rivalry going.

Speaker 3 I need some reminders of who's joining the ACC this year.

Speaker 1 Stanford and Cal. That's right, yeah, SMU.

Speaker 1 And I think I got all of them. I think I got all of them.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's going to rock.

Speaker 1 It is crazy looking at all, like when they updated all the

Speaker 1 if you go on ESPN.com and you look for your conference, like I did that for the Big Ten and just seeing 18 teams is like, holy fucking shit.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's gonna be wild. Stanford and Duke, that's gonna be good rivalry.
Yeah, all right.

Speaker 1 So this is so let's see. The ACC,

Speaker 1 how many teams will

Speaker 1 17 total teams? So I must have missed some. I gotta find a list of all these.
We should just do this as a quick recap. 17 teams.
That's insane. Yeah, I think, yeah, Stanford Cal SMU.

Speaker 1 And then Big 12 is, if we went down the list real quick, I know UCF, BYU, Arizona, Arizona State.

Speaker 3 I forget who else joined the Big 12. I think it's a good question.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think so. There's a lot of teams.
So, yeah, Mike Gundy, way to go, dude. Yeah, DUI, no big deal.
A thousand times.

Speaker 3 Thousand times in his life.

Speaker 1 All right, what else we got?

Speaker 3 I have an update for us. Okay.
So remember, Kevin Durant, there was some speculation on what was going on with him.

Speaker 1 He's unhappy.

Speaker 3 Don't act like you're not interested in Charlotte the Stingray. That bitch is alive.

Speaker 3 Kevin Durant is unhappy and requests a trade.

Speaker 1 But he did?

Speaker 3 Well, I think he will.

Speaker 1 Oh, he will?

Speaker 3 I think Kevin Durant is unhappy.

Speaker 1 We've been talking to some league sources. Yeah.

Speaker 3 The league sources are saying Kevin Durant have confirmed he is unhappy in his current situation and would like to play somewhere else.

Speaker 1 Please credit pardon my take.

Speaker 3 Pardon my take, according to the sources we talked to.

Speaker 1 I also love the picture day. One, Mark Few is a coach on Team USA.
Didn't realize that.

Speaker 1 So he's going to get a gold medal before he gets to a Final Four. And two, Kevin Durant standing in the back row.
The height truthers are back. I don't even think it's a height truthing anymore.

Speaker 1 It's just Kevin Durant has always been seven feet. He just doesn't want to say it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. And then there was a picture of the French team, too.
And Rudy was in the background with Wimby, and he got on his tiptoes, so he didn't look that much shorter than Wimby.

Speaker 3 Smart move by him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that is a very smart move.

Speaker 1 Oh, Cooper Flag.

Speaker 3 I think Cooper Flag.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, in soccer.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but Cooper Flag is. He might be a problem.

Speaker 1 We were the first to say it. It's three years ago.

Speaker 3 It's going to piss me off so much watching him dominate a Duke.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but they're not going to... They still will flame out.

Speaker 3 He was like the best.

Speaker 6 Tanking this year is going to be off the charge.

Speaker 1 Off the charge.

Speaker 6 Yeah. As it should be.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's going to rule. And then the Pistons are going to get the fifth pick.
Yep. That's just going to happen.
But yeah, Cooper Flag,

Speaker 1 he was showing out against Team USA. That's got to be like the coolest moment ever to be playing against all those guys and actually be like, I belong on this court.

Speaker 3 You're hitting step backs over some of the best defensive players in the league. Yeah.
I think he's good. Yeah.
I'm going to say it right now. He's good.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Span, Spain, France played soccer.

Speaker 3 You see that goal?

Speaker 1 Golazzo. 16-year-old.

Speaker 7 Yamal.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yamal. That was talking soccer.
That's it. That's all.

Speaker 3 Oh, Messi scored.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Canada lost.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Spain beat Canada.

Speaker 1 Spain beat Canada. Yeah, that's exactly what happened today in soccer.
Yep. I wish we had, I actually would have liked to watch the Euros,

Speaker 1 but we were busy. But yeah, it looked cool.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it was actually Spain, France. France got a goal, which was nice.
So they advanced all the way. I think this is the quarterfinals.

Speaker 1 Semi-finals.

Speaker 3 Semifinals today. So they advanced all the way to the semis.

Speaker 1 They scored one goal.

Speaker 3 And I believe it was in the run-up play today. All their other goals were either own goals or PKs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they had zero open goal. They had zero open goal goals for the entire tournament until today.

Speaker 3 We got to get their coach.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they just grit and grind.

Speaker 3 Yeah, just grit. Just grit out.
They're like Iowa football of football.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just never even try to score. Just get to get to PKs or get tripped in the box.
Yep. Now let's talk to Sakuri.
Anything else going on in the sports world?

Speaker 1 That we need to be aware of before we get to everything else we got?

Speaker 3 I think that's pretty much it. Let's just look.
They've that's sports for the day.

Speaker 1 Oh, I have a headline I could read for us. You guys want me to read a headline real quick?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I have one for my Hot See Cool throwing, but I don't know if I want to burn it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's what I'm thinking too.

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Speaker 1 Oh, sports, okay.

Speaker 1 Here's, let's read a headline. Man uses funnel to pour margarita down woman's butt.
Restaurant outraged.

Speaker 6 Why are they outraged?

Speaker 1 I think some people were outraged. The restaurant, Rodeo Mexican Restaurant, had to issue a

Speaker 1 letter.

Speaker 1 That's bad news when you have to issue a letter as a restaurant. Um, I didn't even know they like

Speaker 1 that.

Speaker 1 When have you ever seen a restaurant be like, here's a letter that we're informing everyone of?

Speaker 3 Were people complaining to the restaurant because somebody butt funneled a margarita? Yeah, that's not on the restaurant.

Speaker 1 Well, there was video of it. They, I guess, said, I don't know, maybe the vibes, but as chill week, like, we should, you could butt funnel anywhere.

Speaker 3 You could charge double. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Uh, the the Rodeo Mexican restaurant said, Dear valued customers, we recently became aware of an inappropriate incident that took place in our restaurant.

Speaker 1 We want to make it clear that such behavior is completely

Speaker 1 unacceptable and does not reflect our values or mission to provide a family-friendly, you're a restaurant, family-friendly dining experience.

Speaker 1 We are taking this matter very seriously and are conducting a thorough investigation in collaboration with the authorities. Any employees found to be involved will face appropriate action.

Speaker 1 We are committed to maintain the highest standards and ensuring a safe and enjoyable environment for all our guests. Thank you for understanding and continue to support.

Speaker 1 Sincerely, Rodeo Mexican Restaurant. That's

Speaker 1 what you're a restaurant.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and also, that's putting an unreasonable expectation on your server. Once the drink is served, do you then have to sit at the table to make sure they don't butt funnel it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know. I did say Rodeo.
It's Rodeo, probably. I was just thinking of Rodeo Drive.

Speaker 3 Rodeo would be classier.

Speaker 1 Rodeo, they should rebrand as Rodeo.

Speaker 3 Yeah, if it's Rodeo, then you go in there expecting to see some buttholes.

Speaker 1 As I was reading it, I was like, this is definitely rodeo. What am I? Why am I saying it like this?

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's people were complaining.

Speaker 1 This woman said, I've enjoyed dining in your restaurant for many years, celebrated many birthdays there, enjoyed your margaritas. Uh-oh.
The one that went up the butt. I am far from a prude.

Speaker 1 That's a classic prude thing.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no one has ever said that that wasn't a prude.

Speaker 1 But I have never been more disgusted in my life by the video of those people acting like animals in your restaurant. I strongly disagree with that.
Someone wants to try some butt funnels.

Speaker 1 Also, let me see, like, could a dog butt funnel?

Speaker 3 I've watched a lot of Nat Geo. I've never seen an animal butt funnel margarita.

Speaker 1 Could a gorilla butt funnel? Could a fucking tiger butt funnel? They don't have the thumbs. No.
Or the, I mean, they don't have funnels.

Speaker 1 Yes, I've seen the video and I know the name of the server and said video. I've also watched the quality of food and service decline over the years.
That

Speaker 1 feels fake.

Speaker 1 That feels, feels like you're piling on.

Speaker 3 Sounds like she's waiting for an excuse.

Speaker 1 Yeah, with this incident being the final straw, I'll be taking my business elsewhere. Damn.

Speaker 3 The final straw actually went into that lady's butthole.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was it. That was literally it.

Speaker 3 That's the final straw.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then one person, or Kate, our coworker, good friend Kate, left a review saying, this place rules, and I hope they don't let any drama bring them down.

Speaker 1 And I vow to get there someday to enjoy many margs with my mouth.

Speaker 3 I also like that the restaurant was like, we will be conducting a very thorough investigation, just like watching the security camera on our play.

Speaker 1 Our standards. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We expect higher standards than butt funnels.

Speaker 3 There's going to be like, you know how on a menu it has that asterisk and it says warning consuming undercooked poultry or raw seafood from meat to salmonella? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Just on the drink menu, have an asterisk be like, not to be inserted directly.

Speaker 3 And then you're covered. What else can you do?

Speaker 1 Just an X over any funnels going into butts.

Speaker 3 Or you could just become the butt funnel friendly restaurant.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That would. probably do well.

Speaker 3 We turned a blind eye to the brown eye.

Speaker 1 Our guy Dana Beers has admitted to boofing. Oh, really? Yeah, oh yeah.
Right up the pooper? Yeah, he boofed.

Speaker 3 He did it. I think that's a bridge too far.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm looking right now. Yeah,

Speaker 1 there's not many other headlines or anything going on. Tyler Glasnow got hurt.
That's not even news. He gets hurt every year.

Speaker 3 I think Brandon Ayuk wants to leave the 49ers.

Speaker 1 Oh, what would give you that idea?

Speaker 3 The fact that he keeps talking about wanting to leave the 49ers. That probably would be spot on.
Yeah, he posted a

Speaker 3 screenshot of him watching Commander's film, which concerns me a little bit because it's like, how does how did he get that film?

Speaker 3 Probably from Jaden Daniels or just he had a drone that flew over practice, but it seems like he wants to leave. I would accept Brandon Ayuk on the Commanders.
Yeah. I think he's a good player.

Speaker 1 Did you see RG3?

Speaker 1 He was like, hey, this is a safe space. All Commanders fans, you want to bring back the old logo.

Speaker 6 Really? Well, they brought back the yellow pants.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yellow pants is a big deal. Got it.
Big deal for people in D.C. We don't have a lot to really celebrate

Speaker 3 in the last 14 years. That's huge.

Speaker 1 That's banner-worthy.

Speaker 3 No, I saw the yellow pants and I was like, okay, that's there. We had two seasons where we were pretty good.
Yeah, that's huge.

Speaker 1 You got to have the EMP in yellow pants.

Speaker 3 No one will ever know. That's a fact.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Let's do. Should we do Hot Sea Cool Tron? Yeah.

Speaker 8 Man, I'll tell you what. When you're hungry out there, you start acting like a rookie quarterback in his first game, making bad decisions, messing up the basics, being all out of sorts.

Speaker 8 That's where Snickers comes in, man. That thing is packed.
Roasted peanuts, nugget, caramel, milk chocolate. It's like the MVP of candy bars.

Speaker 8 And when you bite into it, boom, it sorts you out, gets your head back in the game of life, satisfying your hunger. Remember this: Snickers handles your hunger so you can handle everything else.

Speaker 8 Snickers satisfies, man. That's a winning play.

Speaker 1 All right, Hank, hot seat cool to run.

Speaker 6 We also, hot seats, anyone that hasn't seen the new shirts, wearing it, mountains are blue. They got the mountains on them.

Speaker 6 Wearing that shirt on the boat, on the lake, with the mountains in the background. So sick.
Just felt right. Yes.
Some of our best shirts we've ever made.

Speaker 1 Make sure I didn't get my computer in that shot.

Speaker 6 My other hot seat is Joe Biden.

Speaker 1 Oh, why?

Speaker 3 He seemed fine.

Speaker 6 Trump made a million-dollar wager in an 18-hole golf match, and he's going to give him 20 strokes.

Speaker 1 Whoa. So Trump already won that exchange.

Speaker 6 Right. That's what I'm saying.
Like, if Joe Biden doesn't accept hot seat,

Speaker 6 he doesn't accept. He's going to get smoked.

Speaker 3 Like, no, but 20 strokes. If you accept a 20-stroke, like, I don't care who it is.
If anybody offered me 20 strokes and then I i lost

Speaker 3 like even if i even if i beat them by the technicality of only losing by 18 strokes i'm still the loser no you got to beat him straight up yeah with the 20 strokes and be like throw those 20 strokes in the trash yeah so by by even offering this to biden trump already won the way that biden could win back is if he says i'll do it but it's got to be frisbee golf that'd be that'd be two and two guys just banging chains together i think they would die if they had to go to frisbee golf definitely you know what we should do we should actually demand that they both do it, that they both have to carry their bags, but it's four rounds.

Speaker 3 It's like a full four-round tournament, and then hope that they just both die on the course.

Speaker 1 That would be over under one and a half broken hips. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'd hammer the over. No medics.
Yeah. Just the two of them out of the course.
Yep.

Speaker 1 And then they both die, and then we're good. No, don't give them the rules.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Then we don't have.

Speaker 1 Let them bang some chains.

Speaker 3 Back to the drawing board. Then we're good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's tough, the 20 strokes. Because you can't.

Speaker 1 yeah, if you play that and you lose by 10, then Trump's just gonna be like, I won.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that was the best part of the debate, though, where they were just talking about their golf game. It's the most relatable.

Speaker 1 Neither of them, Ben.

Speaker 3 They asked him a question about like child care. What are you going to do about child care costs? And then it just evolved into, well, I'm a six-handed cap.
I'm an eight-handicap.

Speaker 1 I beat your ass on the golf game. Beat your ass.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 1 All right, Jack. Play tomorrow.
All right. Good hot seat.

Speaker 6 Speaking of golf, my cool throw is kicking Bradley. Yes.
Ryder Cup snub.

Speaker 6 The Netflix, I only watched it recently, but Netflix full-swing documentary showing the details of how hard he got snubbed in the boys' club, Zach Johnson, Speeth, and Justin Thompson, Justin Thomas, was crazy.

Speaker 6 I felt super bad for Keegan. And then today he got named captain.

Speaker 6 He said he had no idea that that was even a possibility until he got the call being like, hey, you're going to be captain of the Ryder Cup.

Speaker 1 This is crazy. It's awesome for Keegan.
Yeah, it does feel like a make-good, but it's... I mean, he's a great dude and he's going to be a good captain.

Speaker 1 I just want him to be as petty as possible and like maybe even call call Zach Johnson and be like, hey, you've made the Ryder Cup team. We need you on the team.
And then him be like, really?

Speaker 1 That's awesome. Like, psych.

Speaker 6 He said Zach Johnson was the one that had told him.

Speaker 1 Oh, that kind of.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he needs to like invite Zach Johnson and then take away his invite.

Speaker 3 He should say, Zach, I'd like you to be on the Ryder Cup team as a caddy.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Actually, you'd probably suck at that too. Yeah.

Speaker 3 He also says, Do you want to valet our cars? I think Keegan said that he was going to take any golfer. Like, it doesn't matter if you're on the PGA tour, live tour, doors open for everyone.

Speaker 1 Hank, yeah, Hank could even Hank is eligible for the Ryder Cup. Yeah, okay, Phil Mickelson, Bryce.
Phil Mickelson, Bryce.

Speaker 3 Let off with Phil with that list, huh?

Speaker 1 That would be that.

Speaker 6 Phil on the Ryder Cup would be the funniest.

Speaker 3 Like, yes. He's obviously super cool.

Speaker 1 Greg Norman.

Speaker 3 Yeah, get all the guys, all the great Americans back. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ian Poulter. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Good cool throne.
Thanks. PFT.

Speaker 3 Good job. My hot seat is us.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's chill week, dude.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we're chill. We're fucking chill.
You know what?

Speaker 3 That was a chill, cool throne.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 My hot seat is us. Give me a little.

Speaker 3 Uh-oh. We got competition, boys.
We did a bad job. We didn't talk about this when we got back from our little vacay, but there's a new podcast in town.
Yeah. And it sounds fucking amazing.

Speaker 1 J-O-C was the one who alerted us. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he says a text like, watch out, guys.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 3 I'll say the podcast first, but J-O-C is banned from it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, J-O-C, and also shout out Jerry O'Connell because he literally, I think he just polices the internet for us. Because he texted me in PFT being like, watch out.
Watch out.

Speaker 3 Watch your six. You're in trouble.
So Adam Schaefer tweeted this out on July 3rd.

Speaker 3 California Governor Gavin Newsom, Super Bowl champion Marshawn Lynch, and agent Doug Hendrickson are joining forces for a new weekly podcast called Politickin that will be available on iHeart podcast.

Speaker 3 Newsom and Hendrickson have been friends since the 90s. Hendrickson has represented Lynch since 2007.
They have been working on this podcast for the past six months. We're fucked.

Speaker 1 So, all right, so I don't think we're fucked for the reason you're saying. I think this is like the big short.
No big deal. I read the book before the movie came out.
Book was better.

Speaker 1 When they go down to Florida and they see like a stripper who has seven houses. Marshawn Lynch, Gavin Newsome, and Doug whatever.

Speaker 3 Doug Hendrickson.

Speaker 1 Having a podcast together is the very sign that the podcast bubble is about to burst.

Speaker 3 But you forget that Newsom and Hendrickson have been friends since the 90s.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 3 Hendrickson has represented Lynch since 2007. You also forget that they've been working on this podcast for the past six months.

Speaker 1 You know what a podcast is.

Speaker 6 I would love to see that group text.

Speaker 3 It's going to be a fucking banger of a podcast when you spend six months working on it. I challenge them.

Speaker 1 We're about to do the Mount Rushmore of Worst Situations to shit. I challenge them to do a better Mount Rushmore of worst situations to shit.
Yeah, you can't. Do it.

Speaker 3 The French laundry.

Speaker 3 That'd be a bad place. That'd be a bad place to take a shit.

Speaker 1 That would be a bad place. Yeah, this is okay.
I think it's hot seat podcasting in general.

Speaker 3 So whenever you hear somebody planning out a podcast, a good rule of thumb would be that it's like a sandwich.

Speaker 3 So if you've been working on a sandwich for six months, it's probably going to suck ass because it's been sitting out for a while. They've just been like going back and forth.
Here's what working on.

Speaker 6 They did all their best stuff already.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Here's what working on a podcast for six months sounds like.

Speaker 3 Six months ago, you say, hey, we should start a podcast. Yeah, and then like a week later, we should really do that podcast.

Speaker 3 And then the next week, I've been thinking about we should definitely do that podcast. Yeah, and then you finally sit down.

Speaker 6 I'm sure it'll last past election season, too.

Speaker 6 This isn't just like a short term thing.

Speaker 3 Politicking is not just for election season, Hank. Politicking is life.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Every day you politicking. I actually

Speaker 1 I'm politicking.

Speaker 3 Just a Marshawn Lynch podcast would be infinitely better than this. Yes.

Speaker 1 The uh, yeah, I think this podcast we worked on for all of one dinner. Yeah, there was a dinner.
We went to one dinner before the first

Speaker 1 test episode.

Speaker 3 No, yeah, we did a test episode remotely, I think, one time.

Speaker 1 No, we did one in your house in Austin. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That was the first episode. That was the first episode.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and all we did was a dinner before.

Speaker 3 No, but I think there was a test episode that was like... I don't think so.
Yeah, that was like two weeks before that. I remember I was in a hotel room in Houston.
It was like maybe a 15-minute test.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. So there it is.
Yeah. We did it an hour and 15 minutes.

Speaker 3 But we did, actually, me and Big Cat did text back and forth for like a couple years being like, at some point we should work together. Yeah.
So really part of my take started in like 2014.

Speaker 1 We were working on it for two years. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But we're fucked.

Speaker 3 Jerry O'Connell, you're banned from going on politicking. Yeah, he would never.

Speaker 1 He would never.

Speaker 3 My cool throne is Dak's ankle.

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 3 You see, Dak Prescott was wearing a walking boot on a boat when he was on vacation.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 3 And they asked Dak about it, and he said it's absolutely nothing. So he said he hurt his ankle.
It was closed. He hurt his ankle like, what, two years ago, three years ago?

Speaker 3 And he's saying that he's just wearing the walking boot as a precaution on a boat.

Speaker 3 I don't think, I don't know much about walking boots besides Big Ben, but I don't think that you just wear one because you're going on a boat.

Speaker 3 It seems like maybe the worst place to wear one, actually.

Speaker 1 Okay, since we are a big Dak Prescott podcast, we had him ranked in our top 18 of quarterbacks a month ago. Spin zone.
Maybe Dak Prescott is wearing the walking boot because

Speaker 1 in the past he has gone on vacations and got his ass beat. So if he puts on the walking boot, it's kind of a like, hey, I'm not here to fight guy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you're not going to hit a guy who's handicapped. Right, in a walking boot.

Speaker 1 So yeah, that's a

Speaker 1 precautionary, don't want to get my ass beat like I did on spring break at South Padre Island.

Speaker 3 That's not a bad spend zone for it. Yeah.
I just feel like if you're wearing it on a boat, you're not even allowed to wear shoes on a boat. But I guess if it's medical shoes, you can do that.

Speaker 1 You can wear shoes on a boat. Yeah.
Who says you're not allowed to wear shoes on a boat? Well, the boat

Speaker 3 i'm thinking back yeah i've only like rented or been on friends boats yeah yeah you can wear shoes on a boat if it's your boat you can wear shoes on it walking boots your boat walking boot seems like it'd really get in the way of actually taking shoes off you do take shoes off yeah i mean i don't think people mostly don't but you can like it depends on the belt legal i think if it's like

Speaker 1 if you own the boat outright i'd stomp my shoes everywhere uh pontoon boat shoes yeah yeah for sure living room on water yeah but if it's um like a smaller boat, I don't know.

Speaker 3 I'm not a boat person.

Speaker 1 We got to get a boat guy, Hank.

Speaker 4 You got to get out on the boat. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. My.
That's fine.

Speaker 3 Absolutely nothing, he said.

Speaker 1 My hot seat is actually Hank.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 we went this morning to get breakfast. And I did my customary, we went and got bagels.
Great bagels. We're going to go back to the back.
I'll go back tomorrow and get it for everyone.

Speaker 1 I got my customary backup bagel. So I ordered my regular bagel and a backup bagel.

Speaker 6 Regular bagel was a bacon, egg, and cheese. Let's just put that on the record.

Speaker 1 Right. And what, yeah,

Speaker 1 great, great order. And my backup bagel was an everything bagel with cream cheese.
And Hank scoffed at me. So I then tweeted it, and everyone backed me up.

Speaker 1 It's like universal praise because here's a hard and fast rule.

Speaker 1 One and a half bagels is usually the perfect amount. I usually eat all two, but one and a half is the perfect amount.

Speaker 1 One bagel is never fully satisfying. A backup bagel is the one.

Speaker 6 I want some bacon, egg, and cheese.

Speaker 1 Great. You need to finish it off with something.

Speaker 1 I finish it off with the backup bagel.

Speaker 3 You invented dessert a backup bacon breakfast dessert. So is the backup bagel always like a sweeter one?

Speaker 1 It doesn't always have to be.

Speaker 1 If it's like, if I think it's going to be an awesome bacon, like there's a place I get a bacon, egg, and cheese from in Chicago that

Speaker 1 it one does not fill me up. One and a half usually does.

Speaker 3 But would you ever get like the cream cheese one as your first one?

Speaker 1 Especially your primary bagels.

Speaker 3 And then have the bacon, egg, and cheese after that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You always have to take it. I usually take off the breadth of sandwiches.
You have the bacon, egg, and cheese.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I'll do like, I'll sometimes do, if I'm not in the mood for bacon, egg, and cheese, I'll just do two. I'll do a bagel with cream cheese and a backup bagel with cream cheese.

Speaker 3 That's smart. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's Max had my back. Max actually was like,

Speaker 1 can I get a whack of one of these? I was like, buddy, I got a backup bagel just for this spot. Do you get backup bagels, Max?

Speaker 6 Does anyone here get backup bagels?

Speaker 3 Max does.

Speaker 1 He said he does.

Speaker 3 I've never done it, but i think a good rule of thumb is just like when you're on vacation or when you're on a trip somewhere

Speaker 1 you never know when you're going to eat next yeah you're being a hater hank and it's chilling hot seat you put me on the hot seat is that on i it depends where the bagel like new york city bagels no like new york city bagels are about new york city bagels with bacon egg and cheese and but like the if you're in other parts of the country whether the bagels are a lot smaller then yes i agree i get backup bagels new york i do not the new york bagels are are very big and fit i actually went one further.

Speaker 1 I went trust tree with Max because I was like, I had just given this guy a half of my backup bagel. And I was like, sometimes I'll do backup sandwiches.
And he was like, that's a little crazy.

Speaker 1 But yeah, we agreed. You do like a.

Speaker 7 If you want to get two.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you go like if you don't want to get, if you want to try two different things, I'll get like a buffalo chicken sandwich and a cheesesteak. And then

Speaker 1 at Jimmy John's, I always get a backup sandwich.

Speaker 7 But you got to get the small ones.

Speaker 1 Because you can put that in the fridge.

Speaker 3 I just, I don't understand what what the issue is of getting too much breakfast. Yeah, it's a backup.

Speaker 1 I don't have an issue at all. What happens if your fucking starter gets hurt? You got a backup.

Speaker 1 You just don't plan.

Speaker 6 It's different positions.

Speaker 1 No, they're both breakfast.

Speaker 1 It's so infuriating about Hank is. Oh, there's different quarterback types.
No.

Speaker 1 One's maybe your more classic, like 6'5 rocket arm, bacon, egg, and cheese. The other might be a little like elusive.
Probably can't throw it downfield.

Speaker 3 Bagel with cream cheese. I think a better analogy would be like a running back 2-0 because

Speaker 3 you can't have two quarterbacks as

Speaker 3 you got thunder and lightning. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I got a little Darren Sprolls to finish off my.

Speaker 3 You got the Michael Turner.

Speaker 1 Brandon Jacobs. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 I'm not, you're never going to catch me complaining about getting breakfast with Big Hat. There's nothing I love more.

Speaker 3 That's it's what's so infuriating about breakfast with Hank is if there's too much breakfast, he'll complain. Yeah.
If there's not enough breakfast, he'll complain. What are you talking?

Speaker 1 Backup bagel is

Speaker 1 something everyone should embrace

Speaker 3 objectively. You never complain about having not enough breakfast.

Speaker 6 Only when we just drive for 12 hours straight and don't get breakfast.

Speaker 1 There's just no way when you eat one bagel, you're like, I'm full and satisfied.

Speaker 1 I couldn't use another half a bagel right now. Also, Hank,

Speaker 3 fact check real quick. I give you all the Pinocchios.

Speaker 3 We just left a fucking hotel room in the morning. We didn't drive for 12 hours straight.
We slept in a hotel. We got out of the hotel.
We went and got breakfast.

Speaker 3 And then Hank was like, why didn't we get enough? No, this is on our

Speaker 3 We had slept overnight in a hotel. Then we get up in the morning.
We go to the bus, and then you complain about not enough breakfast.

Speaker 1 Yeah. We actually had a very funny moment when we checked in last night at like midnight.

Speaker 1 I love, we should do an interview series with guys who work overnight ships at hotels because they're always a little different in like a good way. But this guy was a little different in a good way.

Speaker 1 And we were like debating. We're like, hey, do you guys have breakfast here? They're like, no.

Speaker 1 And at first, we're like, everyone's responsible for their own breakfast. And we're like, we agree.
And then we told the guy behind

Speaker 1 the desk, we're like, hey, you're a witness. You hear this? He's saying that he's responsible for his own breakfast.
The guy's like, I don't know what the fuck's going on.

Speaker 1 And then we're like, do you have breakfast here? He's like, no. It's like, all right, change that.
You're not a witness for that anymore. We're going to get breakfast together.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that guy, that guy had a look. When we came in and we started talking, and he was like, I usually don't deal with people who are talking.

Speaker 1 I will get breakfast for us tomorrow. Okay? Because we have an 8 a.m.
interview, and you're going to be a baby about it.

Speaker 1 That's a fact. He's going to be a baby about it.
And I'll get you a backup bagel, too. Thank you.
Yeah, no problem. All right, my cool throne is the Twitter account, The Hater Central, NBA Hater.

Speaker 1 I don't know if this one made me laugh. So if you guys aren't familiar with NBA Hater,

Speaker 1 he's very clear on what he is. He's an NBA hater.
Some of his tweets, this is just from like the last two days.

Speaker 1 He said, Rob Polinka this offseason, zero new signings, 143 mewing sessions. I think that's when you get jerked off on a table.

Speaker 3 With a cat?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Mewing is when you like put your tongue on the top of your roof of your mouth.

Speaker 3 It's mewing. Leaking?

Speaker 1 That's mewing? I think mewing is. What's when you get milked in a table?

Speaker 6 I need to mew more.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 I think mewing is complaining.

Speaker 1 74 rejections held hostage by Rich Paul and LeBron. Zero working phones reportedly interested in signing point guard shooting guard Savannah James.
So these are the type of

Speaker 1 when

Speaker 1 Dalton connect, Dalton Connect and Bronnie James debut, 10 points, 4 for 19 field goals, 1 for 6, 3 pointers. The ass connection is what he's calling them.
Like he's,

Speaker 1 and Franz Wagner, Wagner, who we love,

Speaker 1 signed a $234, $24 million contract extension. Wow.
Yeah, which is nuts. And he said, never forget his Illuminati Aster class.
So

Speaker 1 this is the type of tweets you're getting from him.

Speaker 1 He, so you see, this, this guy, he goes after everyone and he does this all the time. And you're like, this guy, I don't know what his deal is.
He had a tweet yesterday.

Speaker 1 He said, started this account in the 10th grade. Oh, not thinking much of it.
Now I'm going to college in a month with 105k followers. The support has been unreal.

Speaker 1 Thanks to every single person who's ever interacted with any of the tweets. I hope I can give you a laugh whenever you need one.
So the NBA Hater Central was

Speaker 1 like 15 years old when he started this account.

Speaker 3 What were the replies to that like from the long-term followers?

Speaker 1 People are like, yeah, bro. Great job, bro.
I'm killing it. Love supporting you.

Speaker 3 It's been amazing to join you on this ride.

Speaker 1 He called the Warriors have added depth this offseason, Buddy Healed and Kyle Anderson, 32 huge teeth, one receding hairline, building the No Aura Avengers.

Speaker 3 I got to see what this guy looks like.

Speaker 1 I got to see the idiots.

Speaker 3 I got to see a face revealed in this account.

Speaker 1 He's all the idiots. Oh, man.
But shout out to him. I mean, that's the dedication.

Speaker 1 Starting the Hater Central early.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I started following that other account that we talked about, Hater Report. Yeah.
Now I got to start following Hater Central.

Speaker 1 He's got a soccer one, too.

Speaker 3 Does he really? Yeah.

Speaker 6 He's got like a whole network. Yeah,

Speaker 1 he's building out an empire.

Speaker 6 He's a combination of haters. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's kind of respectable.
And he's only 18 years old. He's starting college.
Hopefully, we'll see. Once he gets to college, you know, he might be partying, meeting girls.
The hate might

Speaker 3 get soft.

Speaker 1 It might get soft.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he said Mbappe washed at 26.

Speaker 3 Love that. Yeah, love that.
I also want to know if this guy's taking like intern applications to open up other branches of hating.

Speaker 1 Yeah, getting the hate going.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 that was good. Hot seat cool to own.
Let's do Mount Rushmore and then we'll get to David Wells.

Speaker 1 You ready, boys? Let's do it. Mount Rushmore of worst situations to have to shit.
Yep.

Speaker 1 Who is up first?

Speaker 3 So that would be Henry. Henry.
Henry, then Max, then me. 50, then the big cat.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 6 So it's Mount Rushmore of situations that are worse when you have to shit, right?

Speaker 3 Mount Rushmore of situations that are bad to shit in. Yeah.

Speaker 6 1-1. Okay.

Speaker 6 1-1 during foreplay.

Speaker 1 Oh. Oh, foreplay.
Whoa. Big foreplay guys?

Speaker 6 Getting started.

Speaker 1 Yeah, which

Speaker 1 during sex wouldn't be worse?

Speaker 3 No, no, because you're not even going to get to sex.

Speaker 6 Like, you start making out with a girl. Things are

Speaker 1 rust and you're like, I got a shit. That seems like really bad.

Speaker 6 But if you don't, maybe you're mid, maybe you, you know, you entered the goal zone, but like, this, this, you don't even get there.

Speaker 1 You're going to have to go, you know, take a shit, and that's just going to ruin the vibe.

Speaker 3 Foreplay is like making out

Speaker 1 everything, yeah, stuff leading up to sex. Okay.

Speaker 3 Oh, getting a butt funnel in a Mexican restaurant.

Speaker 1 Yep. Okay.

Speaker 3 That would actually be a very bad place to have to shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, absolutely. All right.
I didn't have him on my list.

Speaker 6 Foreplay.

Speaker 1 Foreplay.

Speaker 1 What kind of foreplay are you into?

Speaker 6 Just regular stuff.

Speaker 1 You had the pod?

Speaker 1 I have a trend or if I have it. I know.
I have

Speaker 6 a story, but I don't know if I want to say it. Maybe we'll cut it.
But this happened. Not foreplay.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 6 But I was like,

Speaker 6 first or second date with a girl, we were walking back to her place and my stomach dropped.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 6 And I was praying that she had like a lobby with a bathroom in it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Did not. Had to walk up like four flights of stairs.
And shit.

Speaker 1 And shit. And then you got to do the fast one.

Speaker 6 I could just say, it was like

Speaker 1 a mall.

Speaker 6 It was like, it was a disaster. Barber's small.
She could probably hear it.

Speaker 1 You find it.

Speaker 6 Had to be in there for like 10 minutes.

Speaker 1 You put a sink on it? Dude, no, it was. It was.

Speaker 1 It was like you're really washing it. Yeah, and then you'll just spray anything you can find.

Speaker 1 Lysol, fucking bleach. Like, I'll spray any, I'll spray cologne, hairspray, anything, just get the air going.

Speaker 3 Hank does have a match, so he just takes out a joint and lights it in there.

Speaker 6 Disaster, but yeah. Did you

Speaker 1 still close?

Speaker 1 I wouldn't have thought about that.

Speaker 1 Damn. Don't anybody's shit.
So this seemed very personal. Okay.
Max, you're up.

Speaker 7 I'm going to say on a cross or on a plane.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Great pick. Great pick.
Yep. On a plane sucks.

Speaker 7 Yeah, but there's a bath. I don't even think I would physically be able to do that.

Speaker 1 I don't think I would fit in a bad view.

Speaker 6 You made him just start doing the single bagels and that would change.

Speaker 1 I didn't even. That was a good one.
That was so unchilling.

Speaker 1 That was so unchilled of you, bro. That was unchilling.
That was so unchilled. You know what? Not getting you breakfast tomorrow.

Speaker 1 Officially. Okay, fine.
All right. Everyone else, bagels.

Speaker 3 Max, you said that you don't think that you could fit in an airplane bathroom. You don't pee on an airplane?

Speaker 7 No, I, but like, sitting is a different situation. It is.

Speaker 1 Max is right.

Speaker 1 I'm going to back him up here. It's a tight squeeze.

Speaker 7 And also, I was out.

Speaker 1 Bathroom on.

Speaker 1 You don't have to shit.

Speaker 6 You can go to a bathroom.

Speaker 3 You don't want to shit on a plane.

Speaker 7 You don't want to be the guy who shits on a plane.

Speaker 1 Like, on a reply.

Speaker 6 Are you going to see these people again in your life?

Speaker 3 Well, sometimes it might be a reporter.

Speaker 7 Yeah, sometimes it might be a reporter.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's true.
There's reporters everywhere. All right, PFT.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 I'm going to go with my first one

Speaker 3 during sex.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 during sex. As you're having sex.

Speaker 3 In the middle of sex, when you're, you know, doing the act and you have to shit, What do you do? Yeah.

Speaker 3 You have to stop, then you go to the bathroom. Maybe she's into it.
And then you have to shit, and then you're like, well, now I now we have to start foreplay again. Yep.

Speaker 3 And then if you had to shit during foreplay, that would make it definitely worse. But I think having to shit during sex is bad.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 During sex would suck.

Speaker 1 Okay. Good pick.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 All right. I'll go with.

Speaker 1 Oh, damn. Yes.
Hank's mad.

Speaker 6 Hank's trying to order.

Speaker 1 He's mad about the backup bagel. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Mad about the wake port. It's been just insane.
He can't even exist.

Speaker 6 Put me on the hot seat.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'll go. I'm going to fire back.
Don't put me on the hot seat. My one, one,

Speaker 1 significant others' parents' house is the worst because even if you, even if it's a house where you can maybe find the bathroom that no one goes to, there's still always in the back of your mind.

Speaker 1 Like, I, Max, you, Max and I, maybe that, I think you guys would relate, but Max and I especially, a road toilet, you just don't know, like, it's, it's like like playing on a, it's like playing on a 12-foot hoop.

Speaker 1 You don't know the dimensions of it. You don't know what the flushing is going to be like.
You don't know if it's a bad flush, easy flush, anything. A road toilet is the scariest thing in the world.

Speaker 1 The toilet paper may be extra thick, all that stuff.

Speaker 3 You don't know if the bathroom is going to have the fan as well. The switches.

Speaker 1 So many variables.

Speaker 3 You're just hitting every switch, hoping one of them turns. And then when you walk back in, then your significant other is like, where were you? Right.
And then everyone else hears their ass.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. And then you're like,

Speaker 1 I had to uh take a phone call in the bathroom or you run the risk of like uh uh like mother-in-law or sister you know sister cousin someone standing outside and being like oh like the when you open the door after a big shit at someone else's house and there's someone waiting right there yeah and you're like god damn it is there anything worse than being in that situation you're taking a shit and then someone tries to open the door and you hear the click and you have to say Someone's in here.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Someone's in here. Hey, you know that voice.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You try to do a different voice so they might think it's a different family member. Yep.

Speaker 1 Yep. The worst.
And then my other big one is right after you get out of the shower. That's the worst.
Because

Speaker 1 you don't go back in the shower usually, and

Speaker 1 you could do a good job, but it's just a different vibe for your whole day. Yep.
There's a vibe of shitting right before the shower and there's a vibe of shitting right after the shower.

Speaker 1 Your day is basically ruined by that moment.

Speaker 3 Yep.

Speaker 1 And it's like that's, I don't, it doesn't happen often, but what it does is like, that was just the biggest mistake. Okay, Max.

Speaker 3 No, I think it's me. PFT.

Speaker 1 So wrapping back around.

Speaker 1 Aftersex. I'm going to go.

Speaker 3 No, aftersex is great shit.

Speaker 1 During an anal. Check your phone.

Speaker 1 You can take it, Hank.

Speaker 1 If I were you, I'd take it. When you're getting anal?

Speaker 6 Seeing what PFT is going to, you know.

Speaker 3 I'm going to go with just at a bar. At a bar.

Speaker 3 When you're out for the night.

Speaker 6 You're out with the lads.

Speaker 7 it it depends on the the bathroom bar situation definitely like if they if i i have taken many a shit at a bar if they have the private stalls yeah it's i die bar is the worst when you walk in you're like all right there's the the worst is like a bar that has the uh like the the barriers are so so small that like if you stand up you can see everyone and everyone can look over and that's the worst if there's like one urinal and one stall and there's so much turnover of people using that urinal, but you're just using that stall to shit

Speaker 7 is terrible.

Speaker 1 I've told this story before, but one of the funniest things ever was the Bard Duffies in Chicago, and they had for a while there. I don't know if they fixed it, but

Speaker 1 it was like seven urinals and then a toilet, but no barrier. Yeah.
There's one time I was there watching college football and a dude, it was full.

Speaker 1 And a dude just sat down and started taking a shit and everyone cheered. And it was like, fuck yes, dude.

Speaker 7 I thought you said that was like a fantasy football punishment.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 that would be a great punishment. That would be a great punishment.

Speaker 7 Like, you have to go to a bar.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 There was a bar in Austin called Nasty's I used to go to where the entire bathroom was just one toilet in the middle of the room. Like a sit-down toilet.
And nobody ever took a shit there ever.

Speaker 3 One time I walked in, there was just a guy standing.

Speaker 3 He was like ready to go, like pants down.

Speaker 1 Gotta go. Gotta turn around.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, shitting in a bar, because then you also get that embarrassment factor of walking back and people are like, dude, were you just shitting?

Speaker 1 You just gotta rub your nose.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and in that moment, you have to act like you never shit. No, dude.
I would never shit.

Speaker 1 All right, Max.

Speaker 7 I guess I have a theme going here, but I'm just going to go with on a boat.

Speaker 3 That's a good pick. That's a great one.

Speaker 7 I did plane first and boat next, but it's like there's.

Speaker 6 Boatsmates way better than a plane because there's no bathroom on there.

Speaker 1 Well, aqua dump, but. Yeah,

Speaker 7 that was the reason I didn't do it because there are probably people who like to aqua dump.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Don't mind it. There are bathrooms.

Speaker 3 That's what I'm saying. And on boats, too.

Speaker 1 Not always. No, but those boat bathrooms are bad.
Yeah, that's basically. I'm agreeing with that.
That's why.

Speaker 1 Even if there's a bathroom. I don't like small bathrooms.

Speaker 7 I don't like shitting in small.

Speaker 3 Even if there's a bathroom on a boat, it's one of the ones that you have to press the pedal on. Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yes.
And it's like that stink just is going to stay for a while. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go

Speaker 6 at a sporting event, at a sold-out sporting event. At a standard.

Speaker 1 Definitely. A bar.

Speaker 6 And again, much smaller, much less people, probably a line, but still not bad. But a sporting event when you like, I'm thinking of all my situations when it's like, you, it's like diarrhea.

Speaker 6 Like, you can't wait. Like, your stomach drops and you have to go.
And no matter what, you have to wait for probably 20 or 30 people and then you have to just, you know, unload with everyone inside.

Speaker 3 And when you get into that bathroom to take the shit, the toilet is always the war zone.

Speaker 1 Yep. Yeah, you go through all of them and you're just like, fuck, this is going to be, you just know any high traffic situation, you're like this sucks and

Speaker 6 bonus for that pick the toilet paper is always the worst it's the worst it's single ply it's there at all yeah and it's just terrible yeah and then i will go in another situation that there is no bathroom if you're on the subway

Speaker 6 because then i should pants on the subway usually yeah when you because even if you're on the subway again your stomach drops you're like fuck i gotta go to the bathroom there's not a quick bathroom off a subway you have to get up and then hope you can find somewhere but most places with subways are places like, you know, no public bathrooms.

Speaker 6 You can't just run in.

Speaker 6 So yeah, nothing worse. And then if you have to, you know, fart it out, you're just crammed around people.
It's the worst. Yep.

Speaker 1 Agreed. Okay.

Speaker 7 I'm going to go with a music festival port-a-potty.

Speaker 1 Oh, good one.

Speaker 7 It's been used all day. It's so fucking hot.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 7 Shitting in any port-a-potty is the worst. You walk out of there like you literally just came out of a sauna, and it's just disgusting.

Speaker 1 And it's also like sitting on piss.

Speaker 1 It's a fucking disgusting shit's when the port-a-potty,

Speaker 1 when you look in and it's been rising,

Speaker 1 there's a lot in there.

Speaker 3 You always have to peek too, right? Yeah. In a port-a-potty, you have to just take a look.
Yeah. Like, what's the situation like down there?

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a bomb go off in here. Good pick.

Speaker 3 Good pick, Max.

Speaker 3 All right, for my next one, I'm just going to go in a while.

Speaker 1 But Hank.

Speaker 6 Max just keeps picking like small toilets.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're.

Speaker 3 But they're, it plays.

Speaker 1 Porn bodies are also hot, though.

Speaker 1 you're in the I might make you eat a backup bagels

Speaker 1 I might sit here and be like we're not starting the day until you eat two bagels which one of his picks do you dispute

Speaker 6 not disputing just critiquing I think they're all valid

Speaker 1 if you're on a plane you're just mad because PFT got sex and you got four points yeah you're way worse when I'm going down on a chicken reverse all right plumpkin

Speaker 3 that's you're up PFT is gross Hank you're gross I'm just gonna go with on a road trip.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Any car on a road trip?

Speaker 3 Because then you got to make everybody pull over for you. Yep.
You got to find a bathroom.

Speaker 3 Sometimes you have to go into the gas station, ask them for the key that's attached to like a hockey stick, then go around the corner, open up the bathroom door.

Speaker 3 You go in, there's needles everywhere in the bathroom. Also, it looks like a bomb went off.
It smells like shit. It's just a bad, bad scene if you have to shit on a road trip.

Speaker 1 Yep, yep.

Speaker 1 Okay, I got two to finish off my picks.

Speaker 1 This one's happened to me a few few times.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go with right before you have to puke because

Speaker 1 that's the worst. When you're taking a shit and you're like, you're fucked up, and you're taking a shit, and you're like, this will solve it.
And you're like, nope, I got to puke.

Speaker 1 And then you got to puke where you're just shitting.

Speaker 7 When I was a kid and I had a stomach bug, I did both.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's the worst.

Speaker 7 I was puking, and as I was puking, shit came out of my ass.

Speaker 1 Having to do

Speaker 1 like on the wall of the bathroom.

Speaker 7 I probably shouldn't have shared shared that, but it has happened.

Speaker 1 But has it happened to you guys before where you're like so fucked up and you're like, a shit will solve this? And you're like, nope, it's a puke.

Speaker 1 It's like, but I already shit, so now I have to turn around. It's the grossest.
You got two moves at that point.

Speaker 3 You can either shit, like, try to spew it between your legs, or if you're lucky, there's a bathtub next to you.

Speaker 3 You just lean over there. Oh, the worst.

Speaker 1 And then my last one is:

Speaker 1 I can't say to it. Actually, Hank could say to it:

Speaker 1 prison.

Speaker 6 prison prison has to suck to shit that's a good fourth pick you i mean like you you there's a shitter in your room with a roommate hank you've shit in prison before i did shit in front of people no i was in my own in my own cell we were in the waiting cell this was three o'clock in the afternoon they said we're not getting out till seven and i was like i'm not holding this for whatever 20 hours and i just started shitting and everyone's like are you fucking pooping right now i was like What I hadn't, I had no choice.

Speaker 1 I had no option. But every story you hear and every picture you see, it's usually like two people or three people or four people living in a room, and there's just a toilet in the middle.

Speaker 3 Yeah, do you, you have to have like a schedule. And it's just got to suck someone's going to use it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and it's just got to suck no matter what. Yeah, that'd be bad.
It's got to suck for everyone.

Speaker 1 I would just stop shitting. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, PFT, your last pick.

Speaker 3 All right, my last pick. I was thinking about going super specific with this one.

Speaker 3 But I'm just going to say in a foreign country.

Speaker 3 If you're out in a foreign country, you know.

Speaker 1 What about bidets?

Speaker 3 So here's the thing, though. Never used one.

Speaker 1 I don't like bidets.

Speaker 3 Here's the thing.

Speaker 3 Bidets, you have to walk around with a wet ass afterwards.

Speaker 1 Agreed. I'm not a bidet guy.
I think it's a little sus that you just get water sprayed up your butt. I'm a real man.
I like to stick my own fingers up my ass.

Speaker 3 So I don't wipe. Bidets combined with toilet paper, not a bad scene.
Just bidet, you know.

Speaker 1 I would never trust them.

Speaker 3 First of all, yeah, you're gonna trust it. Second of all, you just have wet ass.
It It just runs down your leg.

Speaker 1 Dumb question.

Speaker 1 Where does that water come from? Is that recycled?

Speaker 3 Is that poop water? Yeah. No, I think there's...

Speaker 1 Spray some poop water back up.

Speaker 3 It depends on what kind of bidet we're talking about. There's some bidets where you have two stations.
So you go from the poop station to the bidet station.

Speaker 3 Some of them have just like a faucet in the wall that you spray.

Speaker 3 But the sneaky, one of the weirdest things about shitting in a foreign country, especially if you're on an island somewhere or you're in like Central or South America, the plumbing system isn't equipped to handle toilet paper.

Speaker 3 So, a lot of places they have toilet paper, but you have to wipe, and then there's a trash can right next to the toilet that you have to throw your used toilet paper into on top of other people's shitty toilet paper.

Speaker 3 And then, also, if you're out and you don't know the language, then you have to ask people where the bathroom is, and then they're like, Oh, this guy wants to shit. This American big shitter.

Speaker 3 Yeah, damn.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 7 Max, mine are all transportation. I've realized I thought others

Speaker 7 port-a-potty potty is not. This next one is in traffic and standstill traffic.
Yeah. That's like a panic move when you really have to shit and you're like, okay, I'm almost home.

Speaker 7 And then you're, and then you're in traffic and you can't get out of it. You start sweating.
So traffic. Yeah.

Speaker 6 I could PFT you, but I'm not going to because I have integrity of the game.

Speaker 3 What does that mean?

Speaker 3 Make a really excellent puzzle. Yeah, what is that?

Speaker 6 I was going to say while you're puking

Speaker 6 because that's basically the foreplay sex of.

Speaker 1 Okay, do whatever you want, dude. You've been so unchill.
I don't care.

Speaker 3 How is that a PFT?

Speaker 1 Well, you just took my pick and slightly altered it.

Speaker 3 No, I had during sex as my one-one.

Speaker 6 I had while you're puking on my list.

Speaker 1 That's why, like, do whatever you want, bro.

Speaker 6 I'll go with during your own wedding vows.

Speaker 1 That's a great pick.

Speaker 1 That's a good thing. That's a funnier pick.
During your own wedding vows.

Speaker 1 That's That's a funnier pick. That's a great pick, Hank.

Speaker 6 Can't say I know from experience, but that would be a nightmare.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That would suck, big time.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 What do we leave off? I had

Speaker 1 kids' school, elementary school.

Speaker 1 I have not had to do this, but going to my son's school and you see the toilets, they're two feet off the ground. Or like a foot off the ground.
Would never want to do that.

Speaker 3 What about like during an assembly that you're in at school?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Or like during a meeting. Like

Speaker 6 people go around.

Speaker 6 You can't leave for 20 minutes. Everyone knows.

Speaker 7 Business people who have like six hour, like full day meetings and you just have to excuse yourself and be like, I'm sorry. I have to go to the bathroom.
Yep.

Speaker 7 And then you're not back like too quickly. Everyone's like, oh my God, he just shit himself.
Yeah. That was.

Speaker 1 When you're wearing a suit. Yeah.
Oh, wait. Having to like maybe

Speaker 1 tuxedo at a wedding. You got the suspenders and everything.
And you just basically... You're like, I'm going to shit somewhere on this suit.
And you got to like basically take off all your clothes.

Speaker 3 yeah that would be bad also if you're if you're at a job um with a boss that um is like a serious job not like a fuck around job but a job that you care about that's your career and then you go in at the same time as your boss yes he goes to the urinal yes you go to the stall

Speaker 1 then he then he knows and then he sticks around a little bit too long and you have to start shitting i think it might be worse if you both go to the stall because then you have to sit there and be like you know i know like because because he's not only having to spell your shit but he also is like, this guy knows how I sound.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I did that one time with my boss back in Austin. We would go in the bathroom at the same time, sit down.
He goes to the stall. I go to the stall.

Speaker 3 And then he just screams, fire in the hole, broke the ice, and just let it rip.

Speaker 1 Just absolutely let it rip.

Speaker 3 And then I was like, okay, this guy's cool. He shits loud.

Speaker 1 All right, I had two others that I was surprised that weren't picked. One is when you're in a pool.

Speaker 1 Because not only like the fact that you have to shit while you're in a pool, but there's nothing worse when you're like in a pool pool or at the beach and you have to go to the bathroom and you're not, you're going to be wet.

Speaker 1 So you're slipping on the floor. Your ass cheeks are wet.
It's just a mess.

Speaker 7 The beach is a good one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the beach is a big one. The beach is.

Speaker 3 Aqua dump. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Aqua dump. Aqua dump.
And then, what do you say? Go ahead. No, go ahead.

Speaker 6 I was going to say, in high school, after you've already wasted a bathroom break to just walk around

Speaker 6 and then you come back and you're like, I have to go to that.

Speaker 7 No, I used to, I used to just be like

Speaker 7 every period I would go maybe once or twice.

Speaker 1 Just twice. Once

Speaker 6 you have to go in every single class because you know, you

Speaker 7 know, I know, and then the teacher would get mad, but I was like, fuck it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what do you say at that point?

Speaker 3 You're just like, no, the first one I was faking it, right? Yeah.

Speaker 6 You're like, no, like,

Speaker 3 I have to shit. Yeah.
What about during during the second quarter of a college football game

Speaker 3 and you're the coach?

Speaker 1 Ooh, yeah. Sidelines and you're old.

Speaker 3 And then you have to stop the game to sprint across the field into the locker room.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're flushed out. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then the other one I had that I was surprised, it's kind of similar to the significant other's parents' house, but significant other in a hotel room.

Speaker 1 Because that, you could be with your significant other forever. When you get into some hotel rooms and you're like, this hotel room is 300 square feet,

Speaker 1 like you're,

Speaker 1 we're men. The way we shit changes the whole...
vibe of an entire hotel room or a weekend.

Speaker 1 So like you have to go to the lobby or something, but if you have to go in the hotel room, Max, you're looking at me like you don't.

Speaker 7 Yeah, no, I let it rip.

Speaker 1 You do? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dude, when it's such a small, confined space, I'm like, this shit's going to linger for days. That's how I felt.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 The sound.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. Back to your story.

Speaker 1 All right. Any others? Oh, gas station with only one bathroom.
You know which ones I'm talking about, where it's one single bathroom. And it's like, this is, this bathroom's been through hell.

Speaker 1 Like, absolute hell.

Speaker 7 That's like, if you're on a road trip, that goes hand in hand with what you just said. Like, you really have to go, and it's the only gas station around, and you're like, do you have a bathroom?

Speaker 7 They're like, yeah, but it's in the back for employees.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 7 And it's like, okay, I can use it. And it's, there's, oh.

Speaker 3 And to get there, you have to walk through like their inventory of food that they have.

Speaker 1 That's the other one that I would think.

Speaker 1 The other one is the key bathrooms at a gas station that you have to go outside for. Those are always the worst.
Yeah.

Speaker 7 Truckers are probably getting their dick sucked in there.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 During the NBA Finals against the Lakers.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that'd be bad. That would be bad.
That'd be very bad.

Speaker 1 Me was raising his hand. During a marathon.
Oh, I actually think that's kind of an okay time. Yeah, that plays.

Speaker 1 It might be the only time you can shit your pants and no one's going to really judge you.

Speaker 7 Who's the guy that R.J.

Speaker 1 Dizzy or something?

Speaker 1 No. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Davis Clark.

Speaker 1 Davis Clark. Davis Clark.
The influencer. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was a great feeling.

Speaker 3 I also feel like runners, they welcome you into an elite fraternity if you do that. Yeah.
They're like, respect.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you left it all out there.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's get to our interview. We got an awesome interview with David Wells, and we'll finish up with pardon your take.
PFT, you got an ad before we start the interview?

Speaker 3 I do.

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 9 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 9 Sebastian Maniscalco, It ain't right. Premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.
Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on a very, very, very special guest. It is our first interview of Chill Week, sponsored by Coors Light and Chevy Silverado.
It is the legend, 21 years pitching in MLB.

Speaker 1 David Boomer Wells, should we go by Boomer or how do you want to start with it?

Speaker 1 All right, I love that. Let's start, though.
We're here at the tournament that's going to be taking place this weekend in Tahoe.

Speaker 1 First of all, how's the golf game? Do you think we have a chance of winning?

Speaker 4 I have zero chance of winning in this.

Speaker 1 You can't say zero. What if someone gets to win? I'm going to tell you zero.
What if half of the field gets hit by a bus?

Speaker 4 There's another half.

Speaker 4 And there's another half are some good players, but no,

Speaker 4 I have come this year with zero expectations. You know, I had a shoulder replacement in December, so I'm just getting that back.
So I've probably had about nine rounds, ten rounds

Speaker 4 since then. So it's like,

Speaker 4 it's not pretty. But

Speaker 4 I am, I mean, because I'm coordinated and I do play a lot of golf, it's just

Speaker 4 trying to find your rhythm in that. And it's not there.
But you just try to stay away from the double bogeys.

Speaker 1 What's your handicap?

Speaker 4 Well, normally when I'm playing a lot, it's probably, you know, anywhere from a six to a nine. Okay, nice.

Speaker 1 You like that number six or nine?

Speaker 3 That's like Joe Biden, right?

Speaker 1 That's what he said. Yeah.

Speaker 4 It makes you a pink belt and tung fu, so you're good.

Speaker 1 That's, I love it, though, that like you're like from a six to a nine. That's a really good golfer.
And you're being very humble, being like, I'm not going to compete in this thing.

Speaker 4 No, and it's a good song.

Speaker 4 You probably don't know who sang. If six was a nine.

Speaker 3 If six was a nine,

Speaker 7 Rush? No. Damn.

Speaker 4 You got to go way back, bro.

Speaker 1 Three dogs night.

Speaker 1 The mamas and the papas? No. What is it? Robert Johnson.
Nope.

Speaker 4 Jimi Hendrix. Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 I should have known that one. You should have known that one.

Speaker 1 You're a big music guy. Huge music guy.
So I heard a story that

Speaker 1 your favorite, obviously your favorite day was when you would start, but mostly because you got to control the clubhouse music. Yes.
So would you, what was the usual pick?

Speaker 1 And was there anyone in particular who was like, what the hell, Boomer? We don't want to listen to this.

Speaker 4 Well, a lot of guys didn't want to listen to it, especially Joe Torrey. But I didn't give two shits shits about that.
Can we cuss? Yeah, let's cuss.

Speaker 1 Say fuck, motherfucker. Fucking A.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can't say fart. I know you got in trouble with that one time.
How about that?

Speaker 1 You did. Yeah.

Speaker 4 That was all right. But anyways,

Speaker 4 I would, I mean, I got fired up, so my go-to was Metallica. Nice.
100%. And then I'd throw a little disturbed in there.
Okay. A little slipknot in there and just get it going.

Speaker 4 And then, you know, I'd wind down a little bit, play a little bit of Van Halen, love Van Halen.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 You know, do that, some cheap tricks, some of the old school stuff, and then finish it up with

Speaker 4 Wolf and Man. Yeah.
And then that was one of my come out songs, but played a lot of POD as well. So wait, those are my boy San Diego Boys down there.

Speaker 1 What would Tori say?

Speaker 4 He would try to turn it down. I'd go back and turn it back up.
Yeah, what did he want to do? And I just told him, if you want to win, leave the fucking music alone. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Because this is how I get ready, you know, for my starts.

Speaker 4 Go out in the dugout, do something, but for the next 45, 50 minutes,

Speaker 3 I respect that, though.

Speaker 4 like on days that you're working you know what gets you dialed in right and it's some fucking metallica but he made it all about himself so yeah it was like you know what do you do but you know that to me that that just worked with for me and and how i got prepared and ready because i just you know music if music wasn't around i don't think i've been worth shit yeah you know i just i always gravitate and go to music and any time and and if high or low just go to music and you just find the songs that work for you to get you out of your funk.

Speaker 3 So, so what are your top three metallic albums?

Speaker 4 You know, probably Ride the Lightning. Um,

Speaker 4 I like you know, obviously, the Black Album, which was great, and probably Masters. Okay, yeah, those three are pretty badass.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, those really do like the old school Metallica. You can't, you don't have a pulse if you listen to that and you can't get up for it.

Speaker 4 And I used to run with Lars back in the day, so it was quite

Speaker 4 interesting, quite a lot of fun.

Speaker 4 You know, James Hatfield didn't really gravitate towards me a little as much but you know he was he was nice he wasn't a dick you know a lot of people can be but he was he was really cool and i got to go behind the scenes and you know hang out in sessions with him and do all that so it was pretty cool and but yeah lars that was my man i named my son after him so yeah that's awesome yeah that's really cool so uh and he's a drummer so it's so hopefully he'll follow in his footsteps yeah so um when you sat down you took your knee brace off is your knee okay by the way yeah i just i had to put that on i'm i'm getting this done in december december 2nd, I get a knee replacement.

Speaker 4 I got to wear a codex from time to time, you know.

Speaker 3 I was admiring the tattoo that the knee brace was covering. Yeah.
You got a skull, but the skull also is a baseball.

Speaker 1 And who's on that? That fucking ball.

Speaker 4 David Cohn, Don Larson, and me.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 Wait, you have your own exchange tattoos?

Speaker 4 And then you got Whitey Ford and Babe Ruth, and then the knee, the

Speaker 4 nose is the tunnel. going from the state from the clubhouse to the

Speaker 6 awesome tattoo.

Speaker 4 And then, you know, all the teeth and all that stuff. But yeah, it's just, you know i like skulls so yeah so so

Speaker 3 you mentioned uh you know some of the guys there david cone um

Speaker 4 and got to talk about the perfect game how hungover were you for the perfect game i was well after well as the game went on i got better but the start i got to the park that morning and cony's locker was next to mine and you know they were getting ready to go out on the field and he just looked at me and he goes wow i go what i'm looking around what and he goes you stink, dude.

Speaker 4 He goes, hide.

Speaker 4 He goes, if Joe Torrey smells you, you're done. Yeah, I was a brewer.

Speaker 1 How many out of vodka?

Speaker 4 A lot of vodka came out of that body that day.

Speaker 3 But I feel like sometimes when you're hungover, you just, you don't, you don't, like it drowns out some of the anxiety, some of the, some of the negative self-talk.

Speaker 3 You just go out there and you fucking do it.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and a lot of guys have done it. But to me, I just wasn't expected.
I, I, it was stupid to do it, but, you know, I did it.

Speaker 4 You know, Jimmy Fallon and Seth, all the the guys the whole cast we were just raging till about 5 30 in the morning

Speaker 4 and then i got home probably about 5 45 6 just facial on the bed and my son wakes me up two hours later dad i'm hungry you know and i'm like go get grandpa to make you something like give me a couple more hours of sleep and he's like persistent no so i got up started drinking coffee and And then that shit happened.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Yeah, it was incredible.

Speaker 3 After that goes down, did you ever think as if it were me, and I just pitched a perfect game after I was, you know, maybe half drunk, maybe still hungover, I would get in my own head and say, I have to do this every single game from now on.

Speaker 3 Do you think I didn't?

Speaker 4 Not to that extent, but

Speaker 4 I usually went out the night before I pitched, you know, low-key, just have a couple pops, not get too annihilated.

Speaker 4 Because for me, the next day, I was relaxed. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Because, you know, a lot of guys get butterflies, and I still got butterflies before every game.

Speaker 4 But, you know, once you couple pitches into into it, you're you're good to go, and you know, and then you just you just get into your rhythm. Yeah.

Speaker 4 But you know, not all not all the time it works and all that, so it's like, you know, what do you do? You're going to have good games, you're going to have bad games. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 4 I don't care. The guys who don't drink, you know, they have bad days too.
Yeah, I was looking for my water, but I'll take a Corslay.

Speaker 1 There we go. Ice cold.

Speaker 1 Well, I'll crack over my water.

Speaker 4 It ain't that ice cold. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, so the perfect game, two other things I had about that was. Cheers, gentlemen.

Speaker 4 Cheers.

Speaker 1 Cheers, cheers, Cheers. This is going exactly how I expected when David Wells, The Legend, is on.

Speaker 1 I heard you say that the bullpen, which you took very seriously throughout your career,

Speaker 1 and your warm-ups before the game were horrendous for that. So what are you thinking in your head when you're throwing warm-ups before your perfect game?

Speaker 1 Are you like, this is going to be such a shitty day?

Speaker 4 Well, if my bullpens were good, I was scared. If they were shitty, I was okay with it because you can't go any, you can't get any worse.
Right. So you don't know what to expect.

Speaker 4 But because for me, then I would just try to psych myself out. I would throw like some pitches like really bad towards the end of my warm-up and start dropping the F-bombs and getting pissed off.

Speaker 4 And, you know, Mel Stottamars look at me and go,

Speaker 1 What's wrong with you? You all right? No, man.

Speaker 4 You see those pitches right there? But I'm not going to tell him. Right.
You know, it's just my own thing. It's just, I get in my own head.
Right.

Speaker 4 And that's, that's, and that's what I did because my bullpens were just so good and perfect.

Speaker 4 You know, to me, it was like, it's scary because you can go in there and just and get caught up in it and not really know.

Speaker 4 You know, you see the guy in front of you, you got a face and you groove him one, it goes a long ways. Yeah.
So you just got to, that just worked for me. That was my mindset.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, and then during the perfect game, at what point were you like, this is happening? Like, this is.

Speaker 4 About the fifth inning? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You were like, oh, shit, like, this could happen.

Speaker 4 Well, I walked into the clubhouse. I always walked up and got water.

Speaker 4 I was very superstitious. So I, you know, with one out, I'd run up, get a water, and then come back down.

Speaker 4 I went into the lounge and I heard Michael Kay and John Sterling, you know, David Wells got a perfect game. I'm like, la, la, la, la, la.

Speaker 4 I fucking ran out and I'm like, got to the bench and then I spit on the first step, second step, third step. Got to spit on those.
And there's times like I had cottonmouth.

Speaker 4 I couldn't get shit out of them.

Speaker 4 Fucking the feathers were coming out you know it was like like i ate a chicken a whole chicken and uh but yeah to me it was just a very superstitious thing for me to do and then and i just you know i did that so i just i just tried to stay because i remember going and sitting next to tino and he got up and walked away yeah i was gonna say did everyone leave you alone yeah it was very eerie very very eerie and you know but i knew what they were doing because they don't want to be the ones to you know to jinx you and all that kind of stuff but uh yeah so i remember it was the eighth inning going out for the eighth inning and David Cohn comes up to me and he goes hey he goes break out that break out that knuckleball I go what he goes throw the knuckleball I go I don't throw a knuckleball he goes yeah you do I play catch with you every day throw that knuckleball I go I go are you out of your fucking mind dude I'm not throwing no knuckleball I knew what he was doing

Speaker 4 Not right away, but then when I was walking out to the mound, I'm like, hmm, he's just trying to get my mind off of what's going on.

Speaker 4 Very genius move on his part.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so that is genius. And he obviously then threw a perfect game.
He could come back next year. Yeah, the next year.
And did you have anything like that for him?

Speaker 4 No, I got traded. Oh, yeah, that's right.
You got traded the first day of spring training.

Speaker 1 You bounced around to so many teams. Was there ever a moment in your career where you're like, man, I kind of wish I could just stay at one of these places?

Speaker 4 I think I was meant to be on a bunch of teams.

Speaker 4 You know what? I just had a lot of, I had a hard time with authority. Yeah.
You You know, I spoke my mind, I think too much, but you know, that's just the way I was.

Speaker 4 It worked for me, but, you know, I want to win.

Speaker 4 I want to make the guys around me better. You know, I want my teammates to do what they're supposed to do.

Speaker 4 You know, I didn't set a very good example by going out, but I got my, if I didn't come and do my job to the park every day or every five days and do my job well, then yeah, then I would expect them to come and get in my face and have an intervention with me or something.

Speaker 4 But

Speaker 1 it was just, it was like you know I just wanted to win and and I just did not like authority because I'm a grown-ass man so I got you tell me I got two questions about the authority thing one how much of that is because of your upbringing with your mom who was by everything I've read an absolute badass she was in the hell's angel she was she was a

Speaker 4 she was you know a woman i guess she was her boyfriend so yeah she was an old lady as they would say yeah but how is that like your mom like that's kind of the coolest thing ever.

Speaker 1 Be like, yeah, my mom was a hell's angel.

Speaker 4 You know, to me, as a kid, you don't really realize because you're around these guys every day, you know, especially on the weekends, you know, when the party's at your house and in our apartment.

Speaker 4 But the apartment complex that we lived in, there was two

Speaker 4 on the same block, but we were the bigger one. The other one was a little smaller, and they had a big courtyard in the middle.
And it was just, it was on.

Speaker 4 And it was cool because you'd have, you know, 150, 200 motorcycles around your whole block. People were scared of you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was going to say, no one messed with you, I'm sure.

Speaker 4 I was a shit-talking punk little kid.

Speaker 4 You mess with me. My mom's boyfriend's going to beat your ass, you know, do all that stuff.
So I got away with a lot of shit. Yeah.
But no, my mom was, that was just her lifestyle.

Speaker 4 And, you know, it worked for her. But she always told me, she goes, don't take any shit from anybody.
Speak your mind and persevere.

Speaker 4 And that's, and I remember that as a little kid. And I took that into my life, and it worked.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So the second question about authority is: I heard a story that you tried to, or maybe didn't try, but you told George Steinbrenner that you're going to beat his ass. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 So can you tell us that story? Because that's, I would imagine a lot of guys on the Yankees didn't do that because he was the boss.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Well,

Speaker 4 it was an interleague game. We were playing the Expos, and Pedro and I were going toe-to-toe.
And I think it was the third or fourth inning. Darren Fletcher hit a home run.

Speaker 4 But the year before,

Speaker 4 96, when I was with Baltimore, and Jeffrey Merrick

Speaker 4 leaned over. Pieces of shit.
He did that because Tony Tarrasco was under camping underneath it. And he just reached out.
And Richie Garcia called it a home run, which was bullshit.

Speaker 4 And so

Speaker 4 I brought that up because same thing happened to me. Kid, or not a kid.
Some guy leaned over and Tony was right and

Speaker 4 Paul O'Neill was right underneath it.

Speaker 4 And Paul was pissed. He's screaming, and they call it a home run.
So I think I went eight innings. And

Speaker 4 then when I went in, George Steybrenner was sitting right next to my locker. But there was a picnic table in front of my locker with Nick Peori, who was our clubhouse manager.
And they were talking.

Speaker 4 I come in. I said, hey, George,

Speaker 4 I said, you got to do something with that fence. I said, it worked for you last year.
It didn't work today. You know, we're losing, I think, that time, I think, three to one.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 he's like,

Speaker 4 he just looks at me, he goes, he goes, you ain't the pitcher I signed. I go, excuse me? He goes, you ain't the pitcher I signed.
I go, well, if you don't fucking like me, why don't you trade me?

Speaker 4 He goes, I tried. Nobody wants you.
That pissed me off. So I was just like, I was like, oh, boy, here we go.
So he just kind of looked at me. I said, if you don't like me, get fucking rid of me.

Speaker 4 I said, if you don't want me, I don't care. I said, this is my dream to play for you.
But now if you're going to be a dickhead, then fuck off.

Speaker 4 I don't want to be no part of it yeah you know and I said as a matter of fact I'm gonna go get ice on my shoulder and my back and my knee I said and when I come back

Speaker 4 I said if you're here I said I'm gonna beat the shit out of you and he gets up he gets right in my face and he's like I'm not afraid of you I go we'll find out in a few minutes I went in there and I put ice elbow shoulder back knee And I come out and he's sitting right there and I go, son of a bitch.

Speaker 4 I go, you still here, you motherfucker?

Speaker 1 I started ripping shit off of me.

Speaker 4 He got up, out the door he went.

Speaker 4 I just, I chased and Strawberry was hiding behind a pillar.

Speaker 4 Wow, this guy's fucking out of his mind. He's like crazy.

Speaker 1 Oh man.

Speaker 4 He went out and then, you know, I felt really bad about it. But, you know, it is what it is.
I was hot. And, you know, you say stuff when you're pissed off.

Speaker 4 And so like two days later, During the game, I'm walking up into the clubhouse and the phone rings right outside of Tori's office.

Speaker 4 And I pick it up and I go, Yankee Stadium, second base, can I help you? He goes, who is this? And I knew right who it was. I go, you called me.
Who's this? He goes, this is George Steinbrander.

Speaker 4 God damn it. And I said, hey, George, it's Boomer.
I go, hey, I just want to apologize for the other day. I should have not done that.
That was not cool. So I really, really feel bad.

Speaker 4 And I go, I apologize. He goes, you wait right there.
And he came down from his office. He came down and we went in Joe's office and we hash hash it out.
He gives me a big old hug, kiss on the cheek.

Speaker 4 He goes, you're my guy. Oh, I like that.
But I think that's, you had to do that. Yeah, right.
You had to challenge him. Yeah.
Because if he had you, you're done.

Speaker 3 Well, everybody that he deals with in his day-to-day life just rolls over for him. Yeah.
So if you are a guy that stands up, he'll probably respect that.

Speaker 4 So I told everybody, fucking talk shit to him.

Speaker 1 Get in his face. Do that.
Challenge him.

Speaker 4 Do all that. But

Speaker 1 anybody's made. Did anyone else do that? I don't know.
I don't think so.

Speaker 4 But, you know, at least you give him a little bit of advice.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 But you don't want to get rolled over. It's like, you know, the same crap happened to me in Toronto.
You know, the front office always, always messed with me. And I think that's why I became a really

Speaker 4 bad boy of baseball because of the fact that they treated me like shit.

Speaker 4 And it was like they were always worried about my, if I was, you know, I was 195 and they wanted me to be 185.

Speaker 4 I'm like, I'm already skinny. I'm 6'4.
I'm skinny as hell.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I go, no.

Speaker 4 And then I'm 205. They want me to be 200.
So they'd find me $100 a day. And I didn't have $100 to pay.
I was low man on the totem pulling on that payroll. So it just, it really sucked.

Speaker 4 So Pat Gillick and Gord Ash were always messing with me. And finally, one day I just said, fuck you guys.
I said, I want to be a starter or a reliever. I'm not doing both.

Speaker 4 I said, I'll be happy to do one or the other. Because when Dave Steve went down, I spot started.
I won 15 games. Right.
And then he comes back. I go right to the bullpen.
So I was just like, whatever.

Speaker 4 So, yeah, so I just, I went out and then they released me.

Speaker 1 And that probably, like, that Toronto, the start of your career, probably set the tone a little bit for why you got traded for the rest of my career.

Speaker 1 Yeah, for the rest of your career, but it also is why you were able to survive being like, hey, I know I can do this. Yeah.
Like, fuck off.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's why everybody wanted me in the playoffs.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I was a big game pitcher. So you give me the ball.
I'm not afraid.

Speaker 1 What is it about a big game pitcher? Because there's something special about it. Like, in all sports.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 But like, watching, like, you know, there's been a ton of guys guys throughout history, but like even I'm thinking like more recently, like a John Lesser or a Madison Bumgarner, where it's like Kurt Schilling.

Speaker 1 It doesn't matter what, what their season looked like. If they have to win a game, they're going to win a game.

Speaker 4 Andy Pettit's probably the best big game pitcher I've ever seen, you know, in my career. He just, that guy, just, he knew how to win.
Kurt Schilling's another guy.

Speaker 4 stepped up to the plate in big games and that's where you want to be. You want to be on the biggest stage and take authority and walk off that in the ninth inning with a, you know,

Speaker 4 badass with your chest out and just, here you go, everybody. Yeah.
That's what I just did to your team. Yeah.
That's what you want. That's the mentality that you want.

Speaker 4 You know, a lot of guys are going third to fourth inning, looking in the dugout, going, come get me. Right.
You know, that's just not how it is. There's guys that...

Speaker 4 that just step up and there's guys that don't.

Speaker 3 So you talked about the butterflies earlier. Like, would you, you would still get those butterflies before a big game? You just lean into them? Yeah.

Speaker 3 How do you make those butterflies your friend?

Speaker 4 You just go out there and make your pitches. I knew

Speaker 4 I could hit a gnat's ass at 60 feet, 6 inches, 9 out of 10 times. I had good control.

Speaker 4 I had control with every pitch. So I threw strikes.
So you just try to make your pitches. You know what guys can beat you

Speaker 4 and pitch to your strength. I didn't look at the at the at the scouting reports.

Speaker 4 I would do it from time to time just to appease somebody, but I already knew what I was doing. I pitched to my strengths, not what some scouting report tells me to do.

Speaker 4 You know, if it's somebody I don't know that just got called up, then I'll go look at it just to see

Speaker 4 what their scouting report is. But to me, it was still...
I just pitched to my strengths.

Speaker 3 What about your catchers? When your catchers are calling a game, are you a guy that would shake off a lot of signs or they knew what you wanted to throw? Nope.

Speaker 4 I made sure they knew what I threw in every count in the pitch. You know, every pitch in the count, excuse me.
And so to me, they had to think with me because I hated to shake off.

Speaker 4 Now, if I had a scuffed ball,

Speaker 4 then they put number two down. I'm like, no, no, no, no, we're going number one because I can make that ball move that much inside and out.

Speaker 4 So I'd rather do that and not speed up their bat when they're looking for something off speed. Yeah.
But yeah, because if you get a scuffed ball, I remember early in my career, I'd get scuffed balls.

Speaker 4 I'd throw them back.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 What a dumbass I was.

Speaker 1 I didn't know. I was just green behind the the ears.

Speaker 4 Then I got a little older and

Speaker 4 talked to the veteran guys and they tell you, and then you start working with it. And it's like, oh, my God, now they throw every ball out.

Speaker 4 It's crazy. If it hits the dirt,

Speaker 1 it's out. So you're pitching in the 90s, early 2000s, height of the steroid era.
Did you know at the time you're like, these guys are juicing? And

Speaker 4 you knew what guys were doing them. Right.
And what guys weren't?

Speaker 4 And, you know, it's just,

Speaker 4 I look back now, I go, fuck, I wish I would have done them. Yeah.
To be honest with you.

Speaker 1 That's an honest answer.

Speaker 4 I wish I would have because

Speaker 4 I think I would have gained velocity. You know, I think in that aspect, so with my ability to throw strikes, I think it would have made me a lot better.

Speaker 4 You know, I think injuries, you know, these little aches and pains you get, you know, the dead arm period and stuff like that that you get. So it's like, you know.

Speaker 4 that might have been a big difference for me.

Speaker 4 But no, I never did them. So, you know, but to me, it sucks that the guys that

Speaker 4 did them that didn't need to do them. Yeah.
And, you know, I guess so, I guess I'd say allegedly they did. But, you know, we all know what guys did them.
And so to me.

Speaker 4 But, you know, that's just the thing. So, you know, I look at it in my situation.
I pitched in a steroid era and I could have probably had, you know, 15, 20 more wins because of it.

Speaker 4 So that puts me at, you know, a 3-2.

Speaker 4 Well, no, I had 239, so 260, 270. Yeah.
But if the Blue Jays would have left me a starter my whole career,

Speaker 4 that's why I wish I would always play for the Braves because they always brought their guys up and they just let them go. You know, and that's how they learned.

Speaker 4 And that's why they were very good staffs all those years.

Speaker 4 And, you know, so if you take 10 wins, if you just take 10 wins a year for those six years they stuck me in the bullpen, you know, that's 60 wins. Yeah.
That's 300.

Speaker 1 Now you're getting 300 in the Hall of Fame. Yeah, that's true.
So was there ever a moment or maybe a home run or a moment in a game where you're like, fuck, this is crazy what these guys are doing?

Speaker 4 I mean, when a guy that normally doesn't hit a hormone off you and he's going 20 rows deep oppo,

Speaker 4 that pisses you off because you know they're doing it. And, you know, it's just, you see their bodies change and it's just like, okay, here we go.
You got to make your pitches.

Speaker 4 But even that pitch that you normally get them out on, they're, you know, they're so strong now. And it's just like, great.
But, you know, it is what it is.

Speaker 4 And, you know, do I think those guys should be in the Hall of Fame? No.

Speaker 1 Because I didn't do them.

Speaker 4 They don't belong in it. And there's guys that think that they should.
And I call bullshit on that because

Speaker 4 it shouldn't be that situation. You know, it's like, and here's a case with Andy Pettit.

Speaker 4 And when him and Roger would, I guess Roger gave it to him or whatever it was, whoever their trainer was at the time. And Andy was hurt.
So I think he did.

Speaker 4 know if I don't know what it was that he did I think it was the cream maybe but whatever he did he was doing it to to

Speaker 4 to get

Speaker 4 to come back faster you know whatever it was and I think if it was under a doctor supervision from guys that got injured and if it's a healing process and it gets them over them and it gets them back on the field that I would be fine with that I think that would be that would be okay but it would have to be obviously it would have to go as a league rule and then the doctors, the team doctors, and it's documented.

Speaker 4 Then sure, why wouldn't you do that? And then let him in the hall. Because Andy Pettit,

Speaker 4 he's a Hall of Famer in my eyes, but, you know, that one little mishap might screw him for the rest of his life.

Speaker 1 But so you're a baseball historian. Like,

Speaker 1 you collect a bunch of stuff. The game that you wore, Bay Bruce's hat was pretty awesome.

Speaker 1 Don't you think it's crazy, though, that Barry Bonds, like, you, is not in the Hall of Fame? He's one of, if not the best baseball player of all time.

Speaker 1 And you can go through the the history of baseball like there's all these guys that pre you know

Speaker 4 1950s didn't play against black players they didn't play like the best competition so do you don't think that's crazy that they shouldn't they should be in the hall of fame well you can't tell the history of the game good or bad well sure but the thing is if they did steroids and they're linked to them so it's like you know i i don't know and and i i like both they're both great guys yeah they're both great guys but you know to me when you're linked to it and everybody knows then it's like, you know, it's, it's, you know, I don't know about the committee, what the committee's thinking, but it's the writers.

Speaker 4 And eventually, they're probably going to get in.

Speaker 1 Because the writers will get younger and they'll realize

Speaker 4 well, yeah, but there are a lot of stupid-ass writers out there that don't need to be writing and they should not have a vote.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the voting process for baseball is stupid. It's crazy.

Speaker 1 Didn't Jared Jeter not get 100%?

Speaker 4 Well, and that's the thing, because there's one guy, I forgot his name, and this is the BS part of it all, is that everything's secretive to them.

Speaker 4 And they keep going to Derek and Derek has to answer all these questions. And Derek's like, why don't you go to the guy who didn't vote for me? Right.

Speaker 4 But they're saying, well, we don't know who it is. Well, they hide behind their pencil.
They behind it. And that's BS.
They're a bunch of, I mean, we call them pussies. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You see that? All day long.

Speaker 1 All day long.

Speaker 4 And maybe a few others because they're such afraid of their own shadow, but they could sit there and write BS about you your whole career and they not like you. So they're not going to vote for you.

Speaker 4 But that one guy, from what I hear, doesn't like to vote for guys their first year.

Speaker 1 First year, yeah, first salary. It's ridiculous.

Speaker 3 It's like gatekeeping some idea of baseball perfection that doesn't exist.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Rivera was another one, whereas like

Speaker 1 he didn't get 100%. He didn't get 100?

Speaker 4 Great. I don't think he did.

Speaker 1 He got 100. I think he's the only one who got 100.
I think he was the only one who got a fight for him. But yes.
He might have been the only one. But that's the one where he was.

Speaker 4 Derek Jeter, same way. He's a stud.
You know, a lot of these guys,

Speaker 4 I mean, that has been had to wait and wait or wait a year and then they they get in the next year. Put them in.
I think the same thing happened to Roberto Alomar.

Speaker 1 Rivera got 100? All right. Yeah.
So, like Roberto.

Speaker 4 I think he had to wait a year and then he got in. Dude, it was a stud.
Right. One of the best players I've ever seen.

Speaker 4 Best infielder I've ever seen. Ken Griffey Jr., probably the best outfielder I've ever seen.
But there's a couple guys behind him that were just as good.

Speaker 4 But yeah, you see guys like that, but

Speaker 4 they didn't get caught do anything. You know, to me, it's like, how do you not put Bernie Williams in the Hall of Fame? Yeah.
How do you not put Kenny Lofton in the Hall of Fame?

Speaker 4 You know, they had great numbers.

Speaker 4 They have Hall of Fame numbers. That's why you got a douchebag,

Speaker 4 what's it? The commissioner.

Speaker 1 Yeah, commissioner, yeah. Yeah, Rob Manfred.

Speaker 4 I just, I think he hates baseball. So he's just screwing it up while his tenure is still going.
Yeah. And he's going to see how much he could fuck it up.
So we would have to.

Speaker 4 They should have booted him years ago.

Speaker 1 What don't you like about today's game? Everything. Okay, I like that.

Speaker 1 I knew that whenever I asked, it was going to be a list.

Speaker 4 I don't watch baseball anymore. Seriously? I haven't watched it in five years.

Speaker 3 Have you seen the bigger bases, though?

Speaker 4 The only time I've watched baseball is my buddy Chuck down in San Diego because he's a big Padre fan, and I've gone to maybe two games in five years. So I can't.
I lied.

Speaker 4 I've watched two games in five years.

Speaker 1 Do you have the card that gets you into every game? Yes. That is one of the coolest things.
So can you explain it? That when you retire, 10 years.

Speaker 1 If you play 10 years

Speaker 1 in the big leagues, leagues, you get a gold card that you can walk up to any stadium at any time and you get walked right in.

Speaker 4 You get two of the best tickets available. That's that's awesome.

Speaker 1 That's very cool.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but you just don't.

Speaker 1 I'm users. Can we have it?

Speaker 4 You got to find my kids. My kids want it.

Speaker 1 Do they use it?

Speaker 4 They've used it before. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Do you get like snacks and drinks with that or just tickets?

Speaker 8 No, just tickets.

Speaker 1 That's so cool, though. You just be able to walk up and want to go to a game.
Okay.

Speaker 4 Well, you know how much tickets are nowadays, so fuck that. They're ahead of the game.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so what would you do to fix baseball?

Speaker 4 I I would get rid of the clock. Okay.
I'd get every analytic guy out of there.

Speaker 1 Fire all the nerds.

Speaker 4 All the nerds. Drop them off in the middle of the lake and let them swim in.

Speaker 1 Kill all the nerds. All right.

Speaker 4 You know, because here's the thing.

Speaker 4 They're the guys that are making

Speaker 4 all the calls and everything and giving it to the, you know, to the GMs or whatever. And then they're going off of that.
It's like all that shit has been there since day one of baseball.

Speaker 4 It just took a couple cronies to go back there, crunch numbers, Billy being one of them, you know, and with the money ball. But it's stats.

Speaker 4 There's some validity to a lot of it, but a computer doesn't tell you, it doesn't have a heartbeat. So it doesn't do that.
You throw,

Speaker 4 if you throw over first base the third time, he gets to go to second. Okay, what part of that don't I get? Guy on second in extra innings because they want to speed the game up.

Speaker 4 You don't want to go to the fucking game for nine innings? Get the hell out. Who cares?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 That's up to you. Don't try to speed the game up.

Speaker 4 The integrity of the game is what it was.

Speaker 3 Would you ever try to throw pickoff pitches to first base just to piss off the fans when they started to boo you?

Speaker 4 You know what? Sparky Anderson was the man doing that. He would have you throw over six times in a row.

Speaker 1 Fans are booing like crazy, especially

Speaker 4 in the visiting one. And he would do it.

Speaker 4 But there's a reason for that because they want to see, they want to try to, you know, they want to try to see if the play of their hand, if he's going to turn around and bunt, try to get the guy over.

Speaker 4 Right. So there's reasons for all that stuff.
Right.

Speaker 4 You know, but now these kids nowadays, they don't have to think for themselves because they got these analytic guys that are doing all the thinking for them. And it's like, learn how to play ball.

Speaker 4 Girl, a sack.

Speaker 1 Let's go. I like that.
I like that. Bring back small ball.

Speaker 3 Steal some base. 100%.

Speaker 4 Yeah. I mean, you can see it anymore.

Speaker 1 You can see it in today's game. Like, I know they've made a lot of rule changes, some good, some bad, but like they're.

Speaker 1 The averages, batting averages are down so insanely where like no one's hitting you know over 300. Right.

Speaker 4 And it's like the you know the game the action of the game that's what people want to see right and i know that i i actually agree with like banning the shift because i did think the shift like that just became ridiculous when a guy would hit you know what like that guy needs to make an adjustment okay all right make the adjustment i'm not i had no problem with that it used to piss me off because then they would hit it the other way hit it down the line i mean did i like it no but i don't think they should have took it out i mean the hitters are good enough you got to give them credit because they know how to hit bad pitches you know you don't need an analytics guy to tell you, you know, this is that.

Speaker 4 They just learn it. Robin Young, guys like that, Paul Moliter, you know, George Brett, all these guys that, you know, were pure hitters, Hall of Fame hitters, they figured it out.

Speaker 4 Dave Winfield, all these guys, you go down the line from the 60s, 70s, or the 70s, 80s, and 90s. 2000 and before the analytics, these guys learn how to hit.
They pay attention.

Speaker 4 All you got to do is pay attention. I watch the hitters.
They watch us. Tony Gwynn.

Speaker 1 Tony Gwynn. Yeah.

Speaker 4 You know, the pity. Wade Boggs.

Speaker 3 Don Mattingly. Did you ever go out with Wade Boggs?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 Who would end the night?

Speaker 4 I would end the night.

Speaker 3 You would outdrink Wade?

Speaker 4 Not in beers. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So the story goes when he drinks 70 beers on a cross-country trip one time. I've seen it.

Speaker 1 Do you believe that? I've seen it. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 I've seen it.

Speaker 4 And not get up to P once. That's even more impressive.

Speaker 1 It was like six packs.

Speaker 4 That's more impressive.

Speaker 3 Six beers in the clubhouse after the game, right? And then he'd have another six-pack on the bus.

Speaker 4 A lot of guys would do that, but he was the king. Yeah.
You know, but you know what? It worked for him.

Speaker 4 He's there the next day, early, first guy there, hitting,

Speaker 4 getting his work in, eating his chicken, whatever it may be. And Wade was awesome.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it seems like a very cool hang. You mentioned Roger Clemens earlier, and then that reminded me.

Speaker 3 You obviously have had run-ins with every manager that you've been involved with. Roger Clemens managed you for it.

Speaker 1 He did.

Speaker 4 We were in Maine a couple, about a month ago, three weeks ago at a tournament and we were we were golfing. It was Ben Higgins,

Speaker 4 Roger and I and we were playing and Roger brought that up. I go, son, because when I looked up, I'm like, what the hell are you doing out here?

Speaker 4 But Tori gave him manager of the day because he was, you know, I don't know if it was towards the end of,

Speaker 4 it was, I guess, a veteran status.

Speaker 4 It was a great gesture on Joe's part to do that, but it was, I didn't expect that. And he comes out there.
I'm like, because normally I don't want to come out of a game.

Speaker 4 But it was pretty cool. Roger.

Speaker 4 Let me tell you, Roger's one of the funniest dudes you'll ever meet.

Speaker 4 His isms, excuse me, his isms, and

Speaker 4 he's got a lot of one-liners. He keeps you on your toes.

Speaker 4 Yeah, we had battles and all that over the years. We talked a lot of crap to one another

Speaker 4 over the years, but I'll tell you, he's just,

Speaker 4 he's down there. He's a good guy.

Speaker 3 I would think that if he was trying to take you out of a game, though, you'd be like, get the fuck back in the dugout, Roger.

Speaker 4 Trust me, I think I said that.

Speaker 4 But he's a bigger boy than me, so I'm not going to give him too much shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, talking about old school baseball,

Speaker 1 if a teammate of yours got hit, were you kind of excited? Like, I'm going to go to the next one. You don't want to hit anybody.

Speaker 4 You don't want to hit. You just protect your teammates.
Right. You protect them.
And you just, so my rule of thumb was hit the first guy. Yeah.
Big, small, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 4 You hit the first guy and just try to

Speaker 4 squash it. And I remember in Toronto, Doug Lytton hit like three or four guys.
And I'm like, well, my rule of thumb. And first guy up, Albert Bell.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. I go, oh, son of a bitch.

Speaker 4 So I said, you know what? Piss on it. And first pitch, smoked him.
He just dropped the bat and stared at me. I'm like, oh, boy.
That's scary. I go, it's on.
He's coming. He just, he walked.

Speaker 4 all the way to first base and stared at me the whole time. And so obviously, thank God I was a lefty.
Yeah. Because I got him right here in my sight.
And I'm like, do it.

Speaker 4 I think like two pitches later, double play. Yeah.
So it was, he wasn't a very fast runner. But then he's walked, he's got to come by the mound.

Speaker 4 I'm just kind of, I stepped away from the mound just to see what he was going to do. And I watched him walk all the way into the dugout.

Speaker 4 And he went over to Doug Linton and grabbed him by his throat and just started shaking.

Speaker 4 I was like, that's a man that knows baseball.

Speaker 1 Because he knows that guy got hurt. Sorry, I remember that clip.

Speaker 3 I didn't remember the reason why he grabbed his teammate by the throat because

Speaker 1 they were talking about that. He was a smart player.

Speaker 4 He just had bad, you know.

Speaker 1 Bad temper.

Speaker 4 Well, no, he just had antics from like he'll run like 20 yards past, you know, ground ball.

Speaker 4 He'll run 20 yards past first base and then off with the helmet and leave it there and make the first base patch come again.

Speaker 1 That kind of stuff. There's an egg like a Halloween kid.
Yeah, well, he got mad. No, he got mad.

Speaker 1 This isn't bald.

Speaker 4 I didn't do it. There was a lot of punks out there.

Speaker 3 He got mad because.

Speaker 3 No, it wasn't. It wasn't in Baltimore.
He got mad because some kids egged his house. Yeah, and then I think he chased them like on a bike.

Speaker 1 And very kicked our ass. Oh, I've done that.

Speaker 4 Have you? I've done that. Kids egging and toilet paper.

Speaker 1 Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 3 What do you say to them when you get to the kitchen?

Speaker 4 We had to catch them because my wife bought me a pitcher and a catcher, big bronze in the front yard.

Speaker 4 She bought that for me years ago, and the Halloween kids took it, and they took it like three blocks away and put them in somebody else's yard. Well, I found out who were the kids.

Speaker 4 You scared the daylights out of them.

Speaker 3 You chase them down?

Speaker 4 I chased them down, but I didn't get them. They pilled off, and I chased the wrong kids because I didn't know because they had golf carts and they had our thing.

Speaker 4 But I did get some of the kids that were there, and they were scared shitless. But they're little kids.
But you grab them, and you're just like, you know, I'm going to kill you.

Speaker 4 I'm going to beat your ass and all that. But then we found out who it was and went over there and you just have a talk and say, you know what? I see you on my property again.
I'm going to shoot you.

Speaker 1 Getting chased down by David Wells was not something I want to fund. I wouldn't shoot a little kid.
Okay, but like if he's an adult, if he's 18 or over,

Speaker 4 you're going to get your ass whooped.

Speaker 1 I love that.

Speaker 4 Nowadays, you shoot him because our whole world is going to shit.

Speaker 4 But back in then, you just beat the shit out of him.

Speaker 4 I got my ass kicked plenty of times, so back at you.

Speaker 3 One time, Albert Bell got hit by a pitch, and then he told the umpire it didn't hit him because he wanted to stay in the box and try to hit him run. Yeah, one all-time moment.
Smart guy.

Speaker 4 A lot of guys did that. I didn't hit me.

Speaker 3 Was there any hitter that you, I don't want to say you were afraid of because you obviously, I don't think you're the kind of guy that... Never afraid of anybody.
Afraid of anyone.

Speaker 3 But was there a hitter that you you respected or had your number?

Speaker 4 Mo Vaughn.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Mo Vaughn.

Speaker 4 I'm the son of a bitch. I couldn't get him out.
So I finally told him, I said, Mo, I love you, buddy. But, you know, if there's anybody on, I'm just going to hit you.
He goes, why?

Speaker 4 He's like, because I can't get you out. I said, and you're a liability on first base.
You can't run for shit. So, you know, advantage me.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 And, but, yeah, I think he hit like eight or nine home runs off me career. I'm like, I just tipped my cap.
And when he would turn on a pitch, I tried to take him out and get him drunk.

Speaker 1 He could drink.

Speaker 1 He didn't care.

Speaker 4 He was in that lineup the next day.

Speaker 1 Who's the most underrated player you played with or against that you're like, he deserves more credit?

Speaker 4 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 Jeez.

Speaker 4 I mean,

Speaker 1 Paul O'Neill,

Speaker 4 you know, he had a terrible player.

Speaker 1 I think he was.

Speaker 4 I used to love sitting at the end of the bench and he just beat the shit out of that water bottle.

Speaker 4 that butter jug i'd just sit there and get a laugh out of it but he i mean he he had he made a good name for himself but i i think he he's he's got good numbers yeah and all that stuff but yeah he was he's a stud but there i mean there's so many guys i just you know you played with so many guys yeah i did 21 years and nine teams there's a lot of guys yeah you know that that played a lot you know a lot of guys there was just a lot of gamers i mean

Speaker 1 to me it's just hard to pick them all out yeah what was your favorite city you played for not counting the Yankees because I know obviously you know you loved babe Ruth and well San Diego because I'm from San Diego I got to play there but

Speaker 4 you know believe it or not you know because of the greatest manager of all time Sparky Anderson I love Detroit yeah but to me it was just playing for that guy and just getting the knowledge that he gives you you know, he helped me tremendously through that career.

Speaker 3 So yeah, what was different about him than every other manager that you had? He cared for you.

Speaker 4 He cared about you. He wanted you to succeed.
But he's just so wise in his wisdom. And he would just tell you, we'd sit, come here, sit next to me.
And he'd just say, watch these hitters and all that.

Speaker 4 And he just explained stuff to you. But he would do it with everybody on the team.

Speaker 4 Joe Torrey, it was that circle of trust. And we were way the hell up here.
We weren't even close. He didn't treat everybody the same.

Speaker 4 Cito Gaston,

Speaker 4 I hated him as a manager. I love him as a person, but we never saw eye to eye.

Speaker 4 We got into it.

Speaker 4 But, you know,

Speaker 4 I didn't think he treated everybody fair.

Speaker 4 You know, there's a few managers that didn't. Jim Fergozzi was a great manager.
He was a player's manager. But, you know, Bruce Boce was great.

Speaker 4 You know, a lot of good managers, but there's just some that just didn't really.

Speaker 4 I wouldn't, I don't think I could have played for Tony LaRussa because he was kind of the same way. Could have partied with him.
What's that? Could have partied with him.

Speaker 4 I probably wouldn't have, though. But, you know, I respected him as a man.
A lot of guys liked him, but I wasn't a big fan just watching him and hearing all the horror stories about it.

Speaker 4 So, but you know, he's a legend. Yeah.
He did a lot of good things for the game of baseball.

Speaker 3 What about umpires? Did you get along with some of them or

Speaker 4 very few?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 But some, but I hated the rest of them.

Speaker 1 Who was your most hated? Al Clark.

Speaker 4 Okay. Douchebag

Speaker 4 of all time. He was terrible.

Speaker 4 Kenny Kaiser,

Speaker 4 he was a tough son of a bitch. I got in a few altercations with him.

Speaker 3 Do you ever try to make nice with him? Just like smooth things over?

Speaker 1 You tried to.

Speaker 4 You tried to. Tim McClellan, the guy who called my perfect game.

Speaker 1 He was terrible.

Speaker 1 Terrible on Clark.

Speaker 3 Terrible. But that day he was good.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he had no choice. I was good too.

Speaker 1 What about Joe West? Did you ever get into it?

Speaker 4 Cowboy Joe, he was, I just,

Speaker 4 he's one that kind of intimidated me because he was a big boy, yeah, because you just do that.

Speaker 4 And he just was like, you know, I run into Joe from time to time, and, you know, I just, just keep your mouth shut because you're not going to last long with Joe West.

Speaker 4 You know, and he was a big boy.

Speaker 3 That's the one man that you're afraid of is Joe West.

Speaker 1 Flipped the script on you.

Speaker 4 A little bit, a little bit, but, you know, I respected him, but he just, you know what, for me, I threw strikes.

Speaker 4 So with these umpires, they changed their strike zone late in the game, and that was a strike early in the game, and then it's not. That's where I had the problem.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 3 What do you think about robot umps?

Speaker 4 No, I think, because, you know, if you look back and you look at replay, they get it right like a high percentage of the time. They do get it right.
But they do get it wrong along.

Speaker 4 And that's what I think replay should, you know, comes in. You know, they do that.

Speaker 4 But to me, it's, you know, as much as I hate umpires, I would say, yeah, but I think it just takes the integrity away from the game.

Speaker 1 The human element, yeah. Yes, was there what's the meanest thing you said to an ump that got you kicked out? Or a story about getting kicked out of a game?

Speaker 4 Call him a piece of shit or something like that.

Speaker 1 That's it? Yeah, nothing.

Speaker 4 I really didn't. I got kicked out of not a whole lot of games, but a few, just, you know, just for just calling them, calling them out, showing them up.
And that's one thing that they didn't like.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 What about when you were batting? When you went up to I hated to bat.

Speaker 1 Did you say you were what, 123 career? Something around that? Maybe lower? Who knows? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Would you like make an an effort go into the box or just be like, I'm going to stand here?

Speaker 4 Like if they call me on some crappy pitches, then I'd say, well, I hope I get those.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Well, that's the wrong thing to say because then I got, happened to me in Miami. Sheffield hit a grand slam off me.

Speaker 4 But

Speaker 4 before that happened,

Speaker 4 it was a situation. No, it was my first at bat.
And I had pitches I threw for strikes. And that was right.
And then Sheffield hits a grand slam.

Speaker 4 and then I come up, and I'm like, and then he calls a pitch like that far out, and I go, wow. I go, I guess I threw that same pitch to Sheffield, and then it should have been strike three.

Speaker 4 Instead, I got a grand slam, and I got thrown out of the game.

Speaker 1 Got thrown out.

Speaker 4 But we got rained out, so that game didn't count.

Speaker 1 Oh, there you go.

Speaker 4 So Sheffield's grand he didn't, and I tell him that all the time.

Speaker 1 That's perfect.

Speaker 4 That's one grand slam you'll never get back, oh, boy.

Speaker 1 That's perfect. All right, so this has been awesome.
We got a couple last questions.

Speaker 1 By the way, we are at the American Century Championship, like I said.

Speaker 1 Awesome. This is the 35th annual championship of celebrity golf, and they've raised $8 million for charity.
It's an awesome event. Ton of people here.

Speaker 1 Who do you think, knowing all the golf games, who is the best golfer you've played with here that has a chance to actually win?

Speaker 4 I mean, you look at Marty Fish. He's on fire right now.
He won in Maine.

Speaker 4 I always, you know, I love Mark Mulder.

Speaker 4 He's a stud. He's won it here a few times.
He's fun to watch. Is Smulty playing? Smulty is, I talked to Smulty yesterday and he's playing, I go, how you playing? He goes, I'm playing really well.

Speaker 4 But, you know, I just, I put, you know, they're low, because they're low odds. You try to find someone who's got better odds, and you throw a couple hundred bucks.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 You know, you got some good beer money. So, but, but, yeah, those, you know, those, those guys right there are, you know, you want to see win.

Speaker 4 But I like watching the underdogs guys that just come from behind and,

Speaker 4 get lucky.

Speaker 1 I like pitchers on that.

Speaker 4 Marty is just so good. He's just so, and he hits it so far, and he's spot on.
He's just very seldom does he make a mistake out there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
That's the thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The other question I had was the trainers, you mentioned your weight. Would you ever pay off the trainers to

Speaker 1 change your weight?

Speaker 4 Damn straight, I did.

Speaker 1 What would you give them?

Speaker 4 I'd take care of them.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you just be like, hey, make sure you change that number a little bit. Yeah, or I would doctor.

Speaker 4 So the old school scales that you do the bottom and then you do the top. Well, back here, they had a,

Speaker 4 underneath, they had a thing.

Speaker 4 So I would, so before I'd weigh-ins, I would go in there when they weren't looking, I would hit that son of a bitch, and I would put it to like two pounds to the T to where I get on there, and they see it, and they go, okay, you're under.

Speaker 4 And then I was doing that. I would just...
had to hit it back.

Speaker 1 I love that. Oh, yeah.
That's smart.

Speaker 3 Did you ever take like the diet aspect seriously? Because I know there was an article that you weren't thrilled about in Sports Illustrated at one point that just.

Speaker 4 Well, I never did the story. So, yeah.
So, that Jeff guy, whoever they wanted, did the rocker, he followed me around for two weeks, totally get the hell away from me. He was a douchebag.

Speaker 4 So, I just, so no, but that was a story that was blemished or whatever. But, you know, I was a big dude.

Speaker 4 The reason why I didn't care about my weight or anything because when we had the strike in 94, really pissed me off because we had a few of them.

Speaker 1 That's another 10, 10, 15 wins, man. Yeah.

Speaker 4 And so, so, and I went through what, what, three, four strikes? And to me, it was just the owners didn't care, so I didn't care. So piss on them.
And I actually, it benefited me because I got better.

Speaker 4 Yeah. I got better.
And they're like, you don't look good on the field. I don't give a shit what I look like.
What is the results?

Speaker 4 What looks is what you want to look at, not what I look like. I don't have to look good in the lobby.

Speaker 4 Fat guys win too, you know?

Speaker 4 That's a good point. I always tell them, I'm fat, you're ugly, and I can diet.
So

Speaker 1 have a nice day.

Speaker 4 You know, you don't run the ball to the plate. So, but I was, for a big guy, I still filled my position.
Yeah. Yeah.
So to me, that was something that I didn't care.

Speaker 4 But then, you know, but as you get older, and I see the reasoning, but as you get older, your body breaks down. And, you know, like I said, I need a knee surgery.
Just had my shoulder down.

Speaker 4 But that's my, I would see my knees and my back from my weight, but not my shoulder. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, you still played 20. But I threw it.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but I threw a lot of pitches. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I mean, the longevity, I think, speaks for itself. You just had the shoulder done.
Do you think you could still dial it up now, though? Like, how fast you can do that?

Speaker 4 No, I mean, I couldn't break a window from two feet the last 12 years. I couldn't throw a ball from here to the back of the room, and now I can throw a ball to the back of the room.

Speaker 4 But I'm just not 100% still. I'm like 60, 65%.

Speaker 4 You know, I can get out there and golf and swing it, and it's fine. But, you know, throwing.
To me to throw there, so like on 17 this week, I can go out there and now I can throw a ball back to him.

Speaker 4 For the last, you know, five, six years, I just walked down there and I'm getting booed because I can't throw the ball back to him. So now I can throw a football back to him.

Speaker 4 I can throw baseball, whatever.

Speaker 4 To me, I'm back.

Speaker 1 Good, yeah, good. It's big time battles.

Speaker 4 I can't throw it, be able to throw it 30, 40 feet. I'm back.

Speaker 3 You're talking yourself down. Let's pencil David Wilson as a dark horse this week.
No.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 1 Don't do it.

Speaker 4 Please don't do that. Save your money.
No. No.
Save your money. Come on.
Why not you? Dude, there's a bunch of hookers walking down the street. They're pretty hot.
Save your money. Go get a hooker.

Speaker 3 If you win, I will get a a hooker.

Speaker 1 How about that?

Speaker 1 Well, I hope I don't win so you don't get one. I'm not going to say what I'm going to do with the hooker.

Speaker 4 You can't get it on your own, boy. There's something wrong.

Speaker 3 I'll just talk to her.

Speaker 3 She'll be my therapist for an hour.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I bet.

Speaker 4 I bet you you don't last an hour.

Speaker 1 You'll be a three-pump chump.

Speaker 1 They got a child.

Speaker 3 I can last so long in bed, you don't understand.

Speaker 4 Why do you think they're there for me? Because they got mad skills.

Speaker 1 They're professionals.

Speaker 4 Professionals.

Speaker 10 This college football season, we are feeling the cheesiest with cheez-it the ultimate irresistible football watching snack cheez-it brings 100 real cheese and deliciousness to every game fuel your game day cravings with cheesy crunchy salty deliciousness and fuel your cheez-it fandom at cheez-it.com use code stool25 for 20 off your order uh all right so my last question you are

Speaker 1 thank you yeah appreciate that the uh you're a collector of some really cool memorabilia in baseball history What's your most prized possession or what's the one thing that you're like, this is the thing I just love looking at?

Speaker 1 Well, I have a ball here

Speaker 4 and it's Babe Ruth.

Speaker 4 I got Hank Aaron.

Speaker 4 I got Barry Bonds to sign it. I'm going to get Albert Poholz when he's here.
Wow.

Speaker 4 700 Home Run Club. I wish A-Rod would have got it because then that would have been five guys.
Yeah. But four,

Speaker 4 I thought he was going to get it. It's bummer he didn't.

Speaker 4 But to have four 700 home run guys on a ball and it's the only one that's incredible it's the only one in existence that i know of yeah

Speaker 4 they're not gonna they're not gonna make one of those nope and i have another baseball that's got hank aaron and babe ruth on it wow and those signatures are awesome on it yeah because when when hank aaron says are you sure you want me he's like damn straight i want you that's incredible

Speaker 4 because it's it's just cool i have a bunch of babe ruth baseballs just solo ones and then hank aaron balls i have solo but how pissed was joe tore when when he wore the babe ruth hat which is cool you wore the same hat that Babe Ruth wore in Yankee Stadium to pitch the first inning so mad he fined me $2,500 why call him a tool and all that because he's a tool no no I'm saying why was he mad it makes no sense that's what I said I said don't don't be so shallow Joe I said if anybody would have respected it it should have been you right because you're such a big baseball and a and a and a New York fan Yankee fan and he did that.

Speaker 4 He just hated me. Yeah.
So that's that's the reason why.

Speaker 3 That's yeah, that seems like something he should have loved that's that's the most respectful thing you could do with that hat as long as you win if david cohen wore it he would have been fine well how'd you do in that inning

Speaker 1 i got out of it and when as soon as i take it off i didn't get i didn't get to the out of the third inning yeah yeah so you should have gained yeah yeah absolutely yeah um well boomer this has been awesome man we loved having you on uh you you are a legend and uh appreciate it and go win this tournament this weekend i'm just gonna go have fun no expectations what's your what's your goal for for shooting this weekend?

Speaker 4 For three

Speaker 4 chat 15 points.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 Yeah, 15 points. Okay.
I'll be happy with 15 points.

Speaker 3 What does that mean?

Speaker 4 In the good.

Speaker 4 Not behind. Not where Charles Barkley and Cable Guy and those guys are at.

Speaker 4 I want to be in the positive, not the negative.

Speaker 1 We can make that happen.

Speaker 3 You can win it. I can.

Speaker 4 I played really well last year.

Speaker 1 Do you believe in yourself?

Speaker 4 Would you trust me? Trust me. I believe in myself, but I don't have as many rounds as these other guys do.
Maybe we get some.

Speaker 4 now I got full rotation.

Speaker 1 What if we got some steroids?

Speaker 4 When I don't know what to do with it, my body's all jacked up.

Speaker 1 We don't have to include this all over.

Speaker 3 We're going to have a podcast, but what if we got you some steroids?

Speaker 3 You said you always wish that you could go.

Speaker 1 I can take whatever the hell I want now.

Speaker 1 What if we got some old Hell's Angels guys who just roll up when your competition is teeing off?

Speaker 4 So I just go and

Speaker 4 just scare the shit out of everybody.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just a little rev the edging, right?

Speaker 4 Well, I don't think they would scare anybody now. They're all old guys.

Speaker 4 These guys are in their 70s, 80s now.

Speaker 1 They're on mopeds.

Speaker 4 I'd I'd have to get the younger generation. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You got the rascal scooters that they're driving around.

Speaker 1 Willie and the chopper bunch. Yeah, if you could read this, the bitch fell off.

Speaker 4 Yeah, no, this, you know,

Speaker 4 there's guys out here that are just so good. Yeah.
I saw Adam,

Speaker 4 I keep saying Thiessen.

Speaker 1 Adam Thielen.

Speaker 4 So Adam Thielen,

Speaker 4 and

Speaker 1 he's a sleeper to win.

Speaker 3 He wants to win, too, yeah.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 on the 10th hole today,

Speaker 4 he hit a little iron, and he hit it about 300 down the middle.

Speaker 1 I'm like, oh, boy.

Speaker 4 And that well exceeds my driver. My driver's like 250, 260.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 So, yeah.

Speaker 1 You can do it. Well, boom.
I appreciate the confidence. Yeah.
Yeah. Thank you so much so much, man.
Yep, we appreciate it. We got it.

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Speaker 6 okay let's finish off with pardon your take uh who's reading them i am all right you're gonna nail this Hey, Dad Cat, Balding PFT, Summertime Hank, Loser Max, and Jetman Memes. I'm not balding.

Speaker 3 I'm bald.

Speaker 6 Would you rather... Don't say you can't.

Speaker 6 That's my question.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there are a lot of bald people that would be very upset about it.

Speaker 3 I'm not bald yet.

Speaker 6 Would you rather have to get a tattoo of your rival team every time they win a championship, but know your team would win one championship at some point in your lifetime, or have hope every year till getting bounced in the first run of the playoffs and have a too early championship tattoo not pan out?

Speaker 3 I would say getting the tattoo for your rival because who's the commander's biggest rival? The Cowboys?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So I'm fine with that.

Speaker 1 Well, could you do it? If you could do it anywhere, like you just, if I had a Packers tattoo on the bottom of my foot,

Speaker 1 I think you'd probably, and you get one guaranteed Super Bowl. I mean, any of these are like, hey, one guaranteed Super Bowl.
I'd be like, yeah. Yeah.
Okay, cool. What would you say, Hank?

Speaker 1 You know, you just point it. You have too many.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You get backup championships.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, you won backup championships.
I mean, if it was beating New York, it's like they haven't, they can't even make the playoffs, they have 12 teams of fucking state.

Speaker 6 Uh, fuck three-down football, but the NFL should introduce CFL pre-snap motion rules to allow receivers to take running starts.

Speaker 6 Not only would it open up the game, but it would inevitably take us one step closer to having a football savant come in with rugby-like plays that would change the game forever. Okay, I like that.

Speaker 6 Imagine a QB and shotgun with two backs, plus tight ends, and RBs on either side of him, able to run either direction, go lateral. Madness.

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 6 I can't imagine what he just said.

Speaker 1 I don't even understand. Also, I think in the CFL, you only can have one guy, right?

Speaker 3 You can have one guy, and I think he gets like five yards.

Speaker 1 You can't imagine it? You just can't imagine it? No. Have you ever watched a CFL game?

Speaker 1 I'm trying. I'm trying.

Speaker 3 Hank, you're thinking of everybody.

Speaker 1 You're just watching a snap and then everyone's moving.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I guess.

Speaker 6 I feel like that's what they kind of do.

Speaker 1 That's what they do. That's what Tyreek Hill does every fucking play.
No, there's a guy in motion, but no, in CFL, you can literally run and like run towards the line of scrimmage.

Speaker 1 So you're like full.

Speaker 6 That's what Tyreek Hill does every time.

Speaker 3 Oh, he runs sideways. You're allowed to run sideways, and then you bend it at the last second.

Speaker 6 Right. Got it.

Speaker 6 Do you?

Speaker 1 No, I'll have to watch. I'm a visual learner.
I'm a visual learner.

Speaker 1 I like it in theory, but it's like so hard for defenses already. It's just adding another thing that would suck for them.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you'd have to give them something. Yeah.
Like if one defender got a knife.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then one one defender got to be off sides once every four downs. Yeah.
Yeah. That would be awesome.
Remember when you do that like in Madden, you just stand next to the kicker, to the holder? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And even though you'd get called off sides, you fucking block the shit out of it.

Speaker 3 It actually might be a good idea if you're allowed to have every receiver in motion, then you have a snap count and you have to snap it on zero. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So the linemen know exactly when the ball is going to be snapped. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 6 Everyone envisions themselves as a pro athlete at some some point or time. So if you could choose any moment in sports history to actually live out, what would it be and why? Also, go Giants.

Speaker 6 Our time is coming.

Speaker 3 I think I would want to be Jesse Owens and just win gold medals right in Hitler's face.

Speaker 1 I don't know. And then you come back to the U.S.
No, you don't let me finish. Really a hero? You don't let me finish.

Speaker 3 Oh.

Speaker 1 And I would kill Hitler. All the people.

Speaker 3 I would kill Hitler while I was there.

Speaker 1 Kill Hitler.

Speaker 6 I would like to be part of the 1980 Olympic team because then you're a legend forever.

Speaker 1 Those guys are all

Speaker 1 no one knows.

Speaker 3 Jesse Owens.

Speaker 1 Good point. That's pretty damn good.

Speaker 6 No, but they didn't also have to face insane amounts of racism and probably live tough. You know,

Speaker 6 he's a hero, but that's like,

Speaker 6 that's a tough, tough life.

Speaker 3 But I think we're just talking about the sporting event, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 6 Any moment in sports history to actually live out, what would it be in Y? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Super Bowl, maybe? I'm trying to think. What would be...
I'd Joe Carter walk off home run. That's pretty good.
Win the World Series.

Speaker 3 But would you do the same? That would be pretty sick. Would you do the same skip dance that he did afterwards? No, definitely not.

Speaker 1 That was kind of weird. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That would, yeah, maybe walk off home run to win the World Series.

Speaker 3 That'd be sick.

Speaker 1 That would be fucking awesome. Actually,

Speaker 1 I don't want to make this guy. Well,

Speaker 1 the Joe Carter home run was against Phillies, so I don't want to make Max happy, but Chris Jenkins hitting a three to win March Madness is pretty fucking sick. That's pretty sick.

Speaker 1 Like any buzzer beater, any finale, like final second to win a championship is insane. Yep.

Speaker 6 Lynn's sanity.

Speaker 6 All right, Lynn, with this.

Speaker 3 Was that a dig?

Speaker 1 No, that's just, that'd be cool.

Speaker 3 At New York Sports Culture?

Speaker 1 That was a great moment. It was basically a banner.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 Like, yeah, he captured the hearts of the world.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That'd be fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Last one. Is the celebratory teammate Aslap disappearing from sports?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 6 We might have to ask some of the guys this week. I don't think so.

Speaker 6 We need to know from the players that are on the field.

Speaker 1 We'll ask Blake and Josh.

Speaker 3 What sports do you think has the highest amount of asslaps? I think it's baseball.

Speaker 1 Baseball for sure.

Speaker 1 Baseball for sure. Football, probably second.

Speaker 3 But yeah,

Speaker 3 football is definitely up there. Yeah, football.
But baseball, that's how they shake hands. Yeah.

Speaker 1 WNBA.

Speaker 1 Do they ass slap? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Why not?

Speaker 1 What if they tit-slap?

Speaker 1 Chest bump. Yeah.
Chest bump. Has there ever been a WNBA player who got hurt from that?

Speaker 3 They probably don't do it. Yeah, they do the side, side, side one.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 3 It'd be like if we did dick bumps.

Speaker 1 Actually, chest bumps might be gone.

Speaker 1 No one does a straight-up chest-to-chest chest bump. That's not cool anymore.

Speaker 6 I think baseball's got the most celebrations for everything. Those guys chest bump, ass slap, handshake.

Speaker 6 That's just their day-to-day lives.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 Okay. Great show, boys.
Let's kick it back to ourselves in the studio for numbers. Okay, let's wrap up the show.
Numbers

Speaker 1 20.

Speaker 6 50.

Speaker 6 19.

Speaker 1 Does it make you mad that I take 20, Max?

Speaker 1 19, I think?

Speaker 1 I'm at a position where where I'm fucked either way.

Speaker 7 Because if 56 or 20 show up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you really shouldn't have to go. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 Have you ever gotten it, Max? Three. No.

Speaker 1 Shane?

Speaker 13 I've also accepted I'm just never going to get it, so that's whatever.

Speaker 6 Oh, shit.

Speaker 3 Now that makes me think he's going to get it.

Speaker 1 Shane, what are you wearing? Chargers crew neck. Oh,

Speaker 1 have you made a decision?

Speaker 13 I have made a decision.

Speaker 1 And?

Speaker 13 I just want to clarify, is it just the Chargers team store or it can be just... We can find other stuff.
I'm in.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's go. So we'll we'll sit down, you and I.
We could maybe do a PM TV. Okay.
And we'll just go on a fucking shopping spree. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then everything you buy, you have to wear at least one of those pieces of clothing on any first date.

Speaker 13 And do I have to like post these pictures anywhere?

Speaker 1 I would like them for my personal files.

Speaker 13 Just text it to you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can, then we'll post it.

Speaker 3 Word of advice, you got to get something with Taz on it.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Taz as a charger would be awesome.

Speaker 1 Taz or Tweety Bird. Okay.
Yeah. I'm done.

Speaker 13 I mean, you're helping me out, so. Okay.

Speaker 1 Am I? Yeah.

Speaker 13 You just said we're going to sit down and do it. You're going to help me pick stuff out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know, but you're still, you still have to go on every first date wearing a charger something. Wait, do you think it's not like I haven't done that before?

Speaker 7 Do you think that Big Hat's going to be like your stylist here?

Speaker 7 The way he said that, he's like, you're going to help me out. We're going to sit down and we're going to.

Speaker 1 We're literally just going to

Speaker 1 be like, I want this shirt. Okay, cool.

Speaker 13 Yeah, Big Cat wears some nice stuff sometimes.

Speaker 1 I'm always up for

Speaker 13 some

Speaker 1 black shirts. What about...

Speaker 1 Let me

Speaker 1 Hank?

Speaker 1 Oh, Hank. He wears a flannel.
Literally, you just have been wearing Barstool store stuff every day.

Speaker 3 Drew.

Speaker 4 The Druth. Chargers.

Speaker 3 Hank just wears championship.

Speaker 1 Barstool store stuff is great about it. Yeah, Barstool's store stuff is about.

Speaker 6 Barbara winning a championship.

Speaker 7 New Coors Light Mountains are blue merch. Love it.

Speaker 1 That's fantastic.

Speaker 1 Shane,

Speaker 1 I have just found an incredible Chargers fedora that you can wear to one of these dates.

Speaker 1 No. What do you mean, no?

Speaker 13 I mean, you said I get to choose. I'm not going Fedora on it.

Speaker 1 Why wouldn't you go Fedora? I can't go. Class it up.
What if you go to like a jazz club?

Speaker 13 It wouldn't happen.

Speaker 3 What about Chargers' pants?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Edward? What about a Boltman costume?

Speaker 1 The full Boltman.

Speaker 13 I mean, we're just moving the goalposts here. This is...

Speaker 1 Well, you had to expect that to happen.

Speaker 1 You agreed to the deal. Now you're in my hands, buddy.

Speaker 13 You said wear one Chargers thing. Now it's a full Boltman.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We're going to get crazy.

Speaker 3 What would be the biggest red flag for Shane to show up, like a jersey that a guy shows up for a first date for? On the Chargers, I would think maybe Sean Merriman.

Speaker 1 I don't know if that's a...

Speaker 13 I mean, maybe. Maybe.

Speaker 3 You're wearing a lights-out jersey to a first date.

Speaker 1 What about Junior Seo, and you only talk about Junior Seo's suicide the whole time?

Speaker 13 That shirt I wore out the other night was a Junior Seal shirt. He had his number in the back.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Oh, that's not as cool of a shirt I thought then.

Speaker 13 I mean, that's disrespectful. It was a cool shirt.

Speaker 4 Was it? Yeah.

Speaker 13 It was a cool shirt. And also.

Speaker 13 And also, Hank said the other day that I was a double XL. I just want to clarify

Speaker 13 in case the Chargers do send something. I'm just an XL.
Triple. It was mean.

Speaker 1 Double XL.

Speaker 1 Okay. Numbers say me again real quick.
20. 19.
3. 8.

Speaker 3 56.

Speaker 1 21.

Speaker 1 72.

Speaker 3 Love you guys.

Speaker 3 Talking away.

Speaker 3 I don't know what I'm to say at stage anyway.

Speaker 3 Today's another

Speaker 3 day to find you. Shy it away.

Speaker 1 Oh, I've been coming for your love of me.

Speaker 1 Shy it away.

Speaker 1 Oh, I've been coming for your love of day.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 on.

Speaker 1 I'll be

Speaker 1 gone

Speaker 1 into

Speaker 1 heart to

Speaker 1 be

Speaker 1 needless to say

Speaker 1 I I want to say it's about me still a little bit.

Speaker 1 Tell me that life is okay.

Speaker 1 Say after me.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's no better to be safe and sorry.

Speaker 1 Say after me.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's no better to be safe and sorry.

Speaker 1 Say

Speaker 1 gone

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 on.

Speaker 1 I'll be your

Speaker 1 day or two.