Bert Kreischer, The Boys Are Back From Vacation And We Recap All The Sports We Missed

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I mean, where else can you pair wall-to-wall hoops with hard-to-find whiskey? Only at Twin Peaks, the number one sports bar. On today's part of my take, we are back in studio.
Back from vacation. Back from Dungeons & Dragons.
Hope everyone enjoyed it. We have Burt Kreischer on the show in person from Super Bowl week.
Great interview with him catching up. We're going to talk about everything that happened since we've been gone had some coach hirings some coach weird videos some nba all-star stuff mac mcclung there's making a sandwich and then there's crafting a sandwich and when i want something perfectly crafted i go straight to boar's head for over a century boar's head has been dedicated to crafting premium deli favorites.
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Boy! We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue. And then we'll take it higher.

Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.

It's Part of My Take, presented by Barstool Sports.

Welcome to Part of My Take.

Today is Monday, February 20th, and the Vacation Boys are back.

Let's go. Hey, rested, feeling good, little tan, feeling iry.
Vacation Boys are back. How was everyone's vacation? It was great.
It was an awesome, I had a little trip down to the sun, said hello to old Ray Baker, got reacquainted with an old friend. Yeah.
It was a blast. Hung out.
I see what vacations are all cracked up about now. I get it, Hank.
I understand. I played golf i'm a big time parvert now i got the bug i got the golf bug that's my big takeaway you let me take one vacation and and play golf for about six hours and all of a sudden i'm like fully in fully back in on golf pft has the golf bug so much so that he texted everyone was like let's play on friday yeah and we all were like and hank was like, we can go.
There's a simulator in Hoboken. And he's like, no, no, I want to play outside.
We were like, it is still winter. Yeah.
Ain't no hobby, big cat. I'm trying to get back out on the course.
You're like, wait, are golf courses closed during the winter? I played one practice session of golf in Mexico. And I came back, why don't we play up here more often? There are some that are open but the majority do close during winter well billion dollar idea on my part an indoor golf course I like it let's do it yeah fuck the simulator instead of paying 44 billion dollars to ruin a website how about you build a fucking indoor golf course they have the at the American Dream Mall over in New Jersey they have an indoor water park They have a water park and they also have a ski mountain.

Why not indoor golf? Indoor golf

course. Do we just

break the rules of sports? Let's fucking

do it. Why not? I mean

it also would probably be good because you probably

would in terms of like the

footprint of it, you put nets

up on each hole. Yeah.
So you can't

go out of bounds. You don't go OB and check this out.

Put walls up on each hole. Yeah.
Oh so you can

play off the walls. Oh okay.

You said indoors right? Yeah. we're turning this into net i mean nets are cheaper than walls i would assume but yeah this is now turning into dude perfect this is dude perfect what part of the nets don't you understand where what's on the side what do you mean it's like hole one and there's a big net on the on the right side like you're at a driving range.
So you're outside. You're describing being outside.
No, it's inside. There's a roof over your head.
So there are walls. What's on the sides? Outside the entire course, there's a wall.
Yeah, that's true. A big, beautiful wall.
But the nets are in the inside. Oh, okay, yeah.
We're on the same page. I thought you were saying the nets are the sides.
No, no, no. That would be outdoors.
Yeah, right. That would be like the fucking stupid sofa.
Like indoor batting cages. Yeah, exactly.
There's another wrinkle that I have to. What if you just put a screen and you can hit into it and then that tells you.
No, no, no. There's nothing like seeing.
Hank, you don't understand the joy of seeing your balls flying out there. Watching them fade away into the distance is a beautiful sight.
Here's another wrinkle that I just thought of right now. Make the holes bigger.
Yeah. Big holes.
Like baseball. I'm all in on the new bases.
Bigger holes. Maybe like a windmill somewhere in there.
Yeah. How about foot golf? We could play foot golf, but with regular golf.
Yeah. I've done foot golf before.
Make the clubs comically large. Yeah.
I like this. Yeah, this sounds like a great idea.
Hank, sorry. I wanted to hear how your vacation was.
I know he's going to say too short. Go ahead.
How was your vacation? It was short. It flies by.
You guys know. It's like all of a sudden you blink and it's over.
You're on the plane home and you're like, damn. Damn.
I wish I was playing golf again tomorrow. Yeah.
Sucks. I actually think that my body was starting to reject vacation.
I started sneez on my last day of vacation was like get back to work yeah you party you partied that hard no i didn't party at all i slept an insane amount no no alarm clocks feels good yeah it was i one day i think i slept like 12 hours which that fucked me up a couple things i got really into this week i'm a big whale guy now nice I saw a few whales jumping around jumping out of the water breaching mating fighting what not that's good I love whales that is Hank's thing wait Hank you love whales oh you don't even follow this yeah I was off the grid I was nobody's he's been doing this for this one I was zero dark turn it since his pick of the slow-mo, the Mount Rushmore slow-mo. Oh, okay.
That's fine. Literally every day.
You're right. Whales are sick.
Whales and golf. A whale breaching.
Yeah, whales and golf. That's what I'm thinking right now.
How are you dealing with the Celtics this year? Yeah. Here are three things I got to do is whales, golf, and vacation.
And Jason Tatum. I'm turning into Hank.
Yeah. My ass started to dissolve.
This whole thing is a troll. Can't keep my pants up now.
It was good being on vacation. Shout out Mexico, the entire country.
What a delightful place. Shout out.
I was in the Bahamas. I was no kids, so it was nice.
But there were kids at the resort, and I still got bullied by kids. There was a water park at the resort and there was like two options to go down and i was like well i want to do the one that's not as fucking crazy and like a group of 10 year old kids were like dude you're such a pussy we've been doing this all day and i was by myself i was like what the fuck so i can't i can't escape that that part was no no different than my regular life.
Yeah. But yeah, vacation was great.
It was great. It was fantastic.
Let's do another one. I'll double.
I like working. It's not that much.
Yeah. So one thing I do realize being away from work is that I really do love working.
Yeah. So I like working.
Oh, yeah. You love working so much you miss Tuesday's show.
By the end of the week. You told me I could.
What happens is you get all these takes that get bottled up inside you when you're watching sports, you're paying attention to what's going on in the world, and you need to have an outlet because we can't really talk in real life the same way that we do on this podcast because people just think that we're insane. Yeah.
So I have all these bottled up takes that just start to – if you don't use them, it's like a tree falling in the forest situation. It's a fact.
Billy, what are you – I got a vacation take.. Yeah.
I thought of over vacation. Christian Yelich looks like Jackson Mahomes.
Oh, yep. Christian Yelich coming up on the show soon.
Take that is a vacation take one. They probably should have stayed on vacation.
Who eats more ass? No comment. Yeah.
Okay. So yeah, we got, we have, we do have things that happened.
I guess the, the first story is the NBA slam dunk contest is back.

Mac McClung has saved it.

Uh,

Philly finally has a championship shout out title town,

almost title town,

which that's,

I don't know if you've noticed,

but that's what max is now rebranding it.

Almost title town.

Cause they almost win everything,

but Mac McClung,

like it was legitimately,

I watched it and he did he in the lead up, it very funny watching people realize who mac mcclung is because if you watch college basketball georgetown and texas tech but then he also like he went viral when he was in high school for having insane hops so the lead up to the dunk contest he was guaranteeing that he was going to put on a show and then he he put it on and everyone's like, who the fuck is this guy? It's Mack McClung. He's a legend.
Yeah. And also it's going to be just great looking back on the history of slam dunk winners.
Mack McClung, big time combo breaker. Yeah.
On that list. Yes.
Well, hopefully he gets. I actually read this long story about him.
I mean, shout out Mack McClung because he turned down. It was like over a million dollars to play in Turkey this year, but he wants to play in the NBA.

So he's been on a bunch of G League teams, a bunch of preseason teams, summer league teams. He scored his first points with the Bulls.
I remember that. It was like last year.
He's been on some two-way contracts. So shout out Mac McClung.
Like he basically said, if I go to Turkey, I can make a million bucks, but I'm not going to get better and I'm not going to be in front of the NBA

like coach. contracts so shout out mac mcclung like try he basically said if i go to turkey i can make a million bucks but i'm not going to get better and i'm not going to be in front of the nba like coaches and he's just been grinding it out playing and i think the the article quoted 150 different teammates and 30 different locations he's played in three different countries in the last like 18 months he's grinding good for him yeah and every now and again you have

a slam dunk contest which delivers on the hype yeah where you see some seriously new creative dunks and then you get the the nice afterglow of it where they ask all the a-listers well now you got to be in it right now did this did this breathe new life into you i think lebron did that maybe 10 years ago well it was a great slam dunk contest he goes yeah for sure guaranteed i'm gonna to be in it next year and then next year comes around he's like yeah uh i'd rather not risk injury well and it's also every like kevin duran also had a speech where he's like more of the the big time players need to be involved in all-star weekend uh not me because i'm a little older right now but he also had i think he had an interview where he said getting the trades and players being able to be traded at any moment makes the league more exciting. So that's a nice spin zone to what's gone on with his career the last five years.
I would like to see Boban in the slam dunk competition where he doesn't even jump. Or Bull Bull.
Yeah, just Taco Fall. Yeah.
Mo Bamba. Get all the real freaks out there.
It should be the high. No jumping allowed though.
No jumping allowed, standing dunks only. It should be a team competition.
It should be the three tallest and three shortest guys. I like that.
That would be fun. Bring back the freak show element of the NBA.
Yeah. It's the three tallest guys, but they're teamed up.
Each tall guy gets a short guy. Oh, yeah.
So it's like the Altuve judge picture every time they go up. Every single time.
And they have to do a tandem dunk. I like that.
Harry and Marv. Yeah.
Just dunking. It's that place.
That's 90% of the formula of this podcast for success. Yeah.
One big guy and one little weird guy. Yeah.
And then you just get up there and magic happens. Yeah.
We still do have to do the switch where I lose a ton of weight and you get really fat. Yeah.
If anybody wants to sponsor us, if there's some sort of nutrition company and they want to sponsor me and big cat meeting at what two two two ten uh i think we originally said 200 i think 200 i'm that i will i will never hit 200 uh unless i have a terrible terrible disease i think knock on wood i don't but i don't think the 200 is in my realm of possibility more so 210 you could get to 210 i yeah i could get to 210 met shannon sharp if you saw me 210 oh double sheaked up yeah boy that would actually be a very funny like visual so maybe we should do that i could take that new uh drug all the hot bodies are taking cocaine no insulin yeah yeah they've just made insulin cool they've just made hey remember when all those people with diabetes needed insulin let insulin? Let's just take all their insulin and get skinny.

I'm trying to think what the healthiest way for me to get to 210 pounds.

I don't think that there is a healthy way.

I think it's just milkshakes.

I think that's the coolest part.

If anyone is trying to pack on weight, they're just like, I have to drink milkshakes all day.

The Dr. Nick Riviera solution of you rub it against a piece of paper.

If the paper turns clear, that is your window to weight gain.

Yes.

I think we could do it. Yeah.
I mean, it would be a fun thing that we put on the bucket list hank's gonna get up to 200 pounds too yeah hank you got this sure 210 yeah those abs would be showing um all right so yeah we had slam dunk contests we're watching the uh all-star game which is very funny because it's just not even basketball i don't even care like i i don't like the old man take like i remember when the NBA All-Star game, which is very funny because it's just not even basketball. I don't even care.
Like, I don't like the old man take. Like, I remember when the NBA All-Star game meant something.
I think it's just funny watching them run up and down, seeing who can, you know, hit the longest three and who can have the craziest dunk. It's not even close to basketball.
It's very fun. This makes the Pro Bowl look like a defensive struggle.
Yeah. It's very funny.
And they'll start to play maybe with five minutes left. Yeah.
They'll play a little bit of defense. But it was funny how the pregame and the draft and everything, the festivities leading up to it, took about three and a half hours.
It was so long. And there was such a buildup.
And then they get out there and there's just absolutely zero. There's zero defense being played.
It doesn't look like real basketball. And they made the draft so that no one's feelings got hurt.
And then they just did the mean thing ever to lorry market in where it was they drafted the reserves first so who's the last reserve who's the last reserve who got picked jackson oh he was the first jaren jackson he was the first reserve that got picked no that was his last no he's the last reserve so so he was the last pick so we had two two last picks. And then they drafted all the starters, and Jokic was second to last.

And when he was second to last, he just stood up and started walking towards LeBron.

And Laurie, who's a jazz player, was just sitting there like, fuck.

Yeah.

I guess it is me.

So good job, Adam Silver.

You made two guys have their feelings hurt.

It's funny how they were just trying to not have the last pick. It's going to happen.
somebody's gonna be last pick no matter what also what that's why we're watching yes we watch for the last pick to be like ah last pick uh also shout out julius randall for his performance in the three-point contest uh shout out his son his son crying oh my god after he was done like daddy during too it was while he was shooting he Well, no, he was doing faces while he was shooting like, ugh, gross.

Yeah, and then he cried afterwards.

But people forget.

People forget.

You know who the worst performance ever in the NBA three-point contest belongs to?

Who?

All time.

Guess.

I'm going to give you one guess.

Hank, you can get a guess too.

I don't know.

What year-ish?

This might give it away.

It was 1990.

Worst performance ever in the NBA three-point contest. Carl Malone.
No. I don't know.
I almost said a joke that I would have to have you bleep out right there. Michael Jordan.
I thought you were going to say MJ. What was his final? He had five points.
I mean, that's... He made five points in it.

Yeah.

And then Herter, I think, Herter got eight points.

Yeah, I mean, but that was... Was there the money ball?

Yeah, they had the money ball.

Nah, I don't think they had the real money ball.

They had the money ball.

The real money ball, no.

No.

Yeah, it was the money ball.

So Jordan is the worst ever in the history of the NBA three-point contest.

Well, he actually competed, unlike the other guys who won't fucking play.

That's...

How many...

In the three-point contest? Oh, how many... You want to risk Oh, how many three-point contests has LeBron been in? I don't know.
Zero. How many slam dunk contests has he been in? Zero.
Zero. Yeah.
There's your legacy. The guy who wouldn't even compete.
Yeah, but Jordan put up a whopping five. The guy who wouldn't even compete.
His shots were close. I actually watched all of Jordan's shots in that contest.
I figured that was the answer. I just didn't want it to be the answer.
They were off the inside of the rim. He wasn't airballing many.
Yeah. So, yeah, it was fun watching the entire NBA All-Star.
I don't know. Anyone else have any thoughts? I have a thought experiment.
I actually just mentioned this to Billy as we were walking down the hallway. If you were to sub out offense and defense so the nba players they get to play offense so when their team has the ball it's the guys from the all-star team and they're going up against five former high school basketball players like out of shape basketball players do you think that those guys would do a better job playing defense than the all-stars are doing in the nba it would be fun more fun to watch it'd be awesome to watch guys getting gassed and like turning their ankles yeah get it yeah and down that's all i want to see is people just kairi going up against a 40 year old out of shape accountant yeah i would love to see that yeah uh by the way uh just a fact check debtless shrimp also had five points in 1988 was that before the that was before the Moneyball.
That was during the Moneyball. That was before the Moneyball.
That's just a racist from memory. So, because I clearly have.
Yeah, no, that would be very funny though. Watching guys just run up and down, like tap their head after.
Because realistically. Slam the floor on defense.
That's the other thing. It's like most people, I think that it gets lost on some people how big an NBA court is.
So if you have to run up and down, because a lot, you know, like if you play pickup or if you do anything post-college, you're playing on a court that's probably not an NBA-sized court and you're also not running up and down with these athletes. It would probably be like three times.
You'd be like, I'm done. Yeah.
I'm gassed. I'm out of this.
It's no moss. Hank, how long do you think you could last? Two.
By the way, I shot 10 free throws in the sun in the Bahamas, rebounding myself eight for 10. Cap.
Well, it happened. Sure.
So I don't know. Was it on camera? It actually was.
Was it being live streamed? Yes, it was. In front of thousands? Yes, it was.
It was on Bahamian TV. Got it.
So you're going to have to go find it uh all right what else do we have that that happened in the sports world we had um uh we had a great quote from lebron oh yeah yeah so lebron was asked about what he plans on doing for the rest of the season how to make the lakers competitive if he's giving up on the season or not he said not being part of the postseason for two years straight that's not in my dna so one year's fine but two years not not in lebron's dna and he said these are going to be the 23 most important games of my career after the all-star break so i don't know if the the all-star game counts maybe he has 22 of the most important well his career afterwards definitely i like that he said the 23 most important games as if he's going to play all 23 well it sounds like he is i don't think so i did let's just find out when he said that missing the postseason two years straight is not in his dna yeah i'm i'm gonna just say right now i don't think he's gonna play all 23 what are they in 13th right now they're in 13th right now but they still there's the west has like basically everyone has a chance at making the playoffs i'm going to tell you right now, PFT, I'm just going to look at the schedule for the Lakers. I'm going to tell you exactly where LeBron, so he's got 23 games left, the 23 most important games.
Only two out of the playing game. Only two out in the playing game.
If you think that Adam Silver isn't going to move hell in high water to make sure that LeBron James gets into that play-in tournament. Wednesday, March 15th, he's not going to play.
He's got Tuesday, March 14th at New Orleans, Wednesday, March 15th at Houston. Back-to-back.
That will be a load management and also a game that the Lakers should be able to win. Yeah, that will be a load management game.
So 22. We're down to 22 already.
And there's probably a couple more that you could look in there and be like, yeah, look, he's got to play atuesday april 4th and then at the clippers wednesday april 5th that's gonna be load management 21 if he makes the play-in tournament he's counting that as the postseason right yeah okay just making sure definitely he got no one believed in them when your home system or appliance breaks down american home shield will help fix or replace the covered item, no matter its age.

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Yep.

We had— Anything is possible.

We had Jonathan Gannon get hired by the Cardinals, and then we knew that before we left, but he also had an introductory press conference in video that. Did you watch it? I saw the intro.
Yeah. Did you watch the video? Yeah.
Of him walking around? Yeah. A couple things.
One, the good news for Max, Jonathan Gannon might have been the weird cringiness that was in the Eagles locker room. Maybe.
Nick Ceriani might have shed like a snake shedding skin. That might have been the corny skin that he just shed it.
He also had he looked up and down every player he he like dapped up with in an uncomfortable way. And then he went up to Rondell Moore and said, shots, we're going to take a lot of shots.
Yeah. And i i felt so bad for rondo more in that moment where he's like my boss what is he doing right now it was it was it was the office when i when i saw that it reminded me of dennis rodman talking about rebounding yeah and how to how to like position yourself yeah rondo more was just looking at him like uh i i want to laugh at this guy but he is literally going to determine my future as a player.

Yeah.

So, yeah. Okay, coach.
Yeah. Nice to meet you, too.
There were a lot of people who were like, oh, they hired Michael Scott. I don't think they did.
I think they hired D'Angelo Vickers, where it was late season office. And we're like, are we supposed to laugh? What's going on here? He is a fan of the American Southwest.
Yes. That was his one major character trait.
So, they got Gannon. That must have been very awkward for Gannon,

who had to go in for, I think last interview um the day after he lost the super bowl and just be constantly reminded of what do they after that performance do you think the cardinals thought to themselves maybe maybe this isn't the guy i mean yeah there was there was definitely a part of that second half where even our beloved Max said, what the fuck is Gannon doing? Why isn't he making any adjustments? So that told you a lot. He also, I found this out by tweeting that it made me cringe.
I guess there are a lot of Cardinals fans that think that we and Barstool in general have it out for the Cardinals so I didn't I had no idea my blinders were on for this that's true that's true so so they're like you guys just always shit on the Cardinals I was like do we I think we shit on everyone then this one guy presented a thread I guess a Cardinals like super fan or something has been documenting it all the tweets from the main account making fun of kyler murray and uh yeah i had no idea so because i those guys do a really good job of just getting jokes off and kyler murray is i mean he's got a lot of material to work with yeah we had a very it was a it was fertile ground for for finding things to make fun of kyler murray for for the last i don't know 18 months 19 months uh there's not like a lot of positive stuff that you could say about kyler murray recently that he had that one awesome comeback against the raiders yeah right there was that but he makes some really cool plays i still think he's a very good quarterback ish very good ish i didn't let me finish ish i i was gonna say very very ish very good quarterback. He has very good quarterback moments.
Very good ish. He definitely has very good quarterback moments.
He does. He flashes.
He flashes. His peak is as high as anyone else.
Yeah. Yeah.
But I, I just bring it up because I know, you know, we've been doing this show for a very long time. I know like if I see a Packers fan, like they're gonna why are you shit on like well there's a reason why vikings fans there's like there's different fan bases like i know that they're they're they think that we pick on them i didn't have the cardinals on my list no i that was a total blind spot by me i guess um maybe you've missed those meetings where we sat with jay snowden and dave and erica and they said okay give me give me your uh your quota make sure that you hit make sure that you've made fun of cliff kingsbury six times this week yeah so i i i'm not gonna apologize because i don't i don't think there's anything to apologize for i'm just more gonna say i see i see you're hurt cardinals fans yeah i mean it's it's i acknowledge you're hurt it's hard to really say anything otherwise about the cardinals and their performances as of recently though yeah they've been a very funny team to make fun of yeah like a very funny team we we treated jj watt so nicely absolutely so nice some would say too nice yeah yeah some would maybe maybe they're just hearing you talk about the st louis cardinals and they just hear cardinals and they're like someone pointed that out that's probably it someone pointed that out They're like, are you talking about Big Cat being an asshole about the St.
Louis Cardinals and they just hear Cardinals and they're like, okay. Someone pointed that out.
That's probably it. Someone pointed that out.
They're like, are you talking about Big Cat being an asshole about the St. Louis Cardinals? Because that's true, but I don't remember him doing anything mean to the Arizona Cardinals, but again, I'm not going to apologize.
I'm just going to acknowledge we hear you. That's like somebody saying.
And we're not going to change anything. Like, how come you guys never say anything nice about the Buffalo Sabres? Right.
Right. Yeah.
You tell me where to start. When's the last time you guys covered the fucking Florida Panthers? Yeah.
What the fuck? Yeah. They're the closest NHL team, the wing nuts.
Who? The Sabres. Yeah.
That's very true. Ed and Alicia having the picture, the Valentine's.
They had Valentine's t-shirts. Yeah.
Said, I'm nuts for you. I want of those it's beautiful it looked awesome uh but yeah so cardinals fans um your coach is weird and that's another thing we always make fun of weird new coaches of course remember adam gaze's press conference he's high on drugs like allegedly allegedly but yeah we're gonna i mean jonathan gannon i actually want to say right now now Jonathan Gannon We don't want him on the show Until he proves a year Of being a good coach And not a weirdo Because we can't hack it ourselves again No We don't want to do that We learned our lesson from last year We learned our lesson Any new coach Let's give it a year So we can tee off on them If they fuck up What's the name of the coach That is now on He's coaching the coaching the Colts now.
Is it Steichen? Yeah. Correct.
Shane Steichen. Also don't want him on.
Steichen, to me, he looks a lot like Gannon, doesn't he? I like Steichen better than Gannon, I'll say that. Visually, I'm going to have a hard time when the coach's picture comes out distinguishing between Gannon and Steichen because Steichen looks like Gannon after five years of thinking about what he did in the Super Bowl.
Just like a little more emaciated version of him. I will say Gannon is starting with the Cardinals basically the exact same way Sirianni started with the Eagles.
That's true. That's a good point.
There's a spin zone for the Cardinals. That is true.
Like, he goes – we make a lot of flash judgments with head coaches. Sometimes they are completely wrong.
Because I remember when Nick Sirianni got hired, we all made fun of him because his press conference to start was terrible. Horrible.
Terrible. Part of me thinks Sirianni told him to start that way because it's the exact same thing that happened.
I love, though, the old know the the uh old saying don't judge a book by its cover that's bullshit you judge every book by that's our job like when ben mcadoo comes out in his dad's suit i'm like that guy can't coach or when mike mcdonald or mike mcdaniel was was on that plane ride to miami and he was talking to on the phone yeah he was high as fuck yeah yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna judge it and you know what sometimes it's fun to judge that's exactly what we should do like we should just the phone. Yeah.
He was high as fuck. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm going to judge it.
And you know what? Guess what? Sometimes it's fun to judge. That's exactly what we should do.
Like, we should just be like, yeah, look at him. He's an idiot.
He doesn't know how to coach. Yeah.
Reading. Yeah.
Judging a book by its cover and sometimes reading about the author jacket. Yeah.
That's basically as far as I go when it comes to reading. And if it has a prologue, I hate the book already.
Yeah. Don't make me do extra work.
I was reading a book the other day, not to brag. It had a prologue.
It had an introduction and if it has a prologue i hate the book already yeah don't make me do extra work i was reading a book the other day not to brag it had a prologue it had an introduction and then it had like pre-footnotes oh i skipped a prologue with a bunch of maps and stuff yeah yeah because and you know what's bullshit is when they do the prologue and they don't number those pages yeah because i want to get some work done i want to yeah i want to be to page 20 when i'm when i skip the prologue i want to be like wow i'm already a quarter of the way through this book yeah i want credit for everything that i've read i just admitted to reading books that are like 100 pages long yeah 80 pages long i've been reading a uh i've been reading a book called reading game of thrones that was a complete cell phone i've been reading a book called uh hitler and stalin oh okay it's a really on brand for you it's really, really good book. What do you get, a guy who has it all? You get him a Hitler and Stalin book.
A Hitler and Stalin book. And at the start of it said, on the praise for page, it just said, praise for Hitler and Stalin, which was a pretty bad way to title that introduction.
Yeah. Did they at least put the Hitler and Stalin in quotes? No, it was just praise for Hitler and Stalin.
That's a big time. That's a Jimbo on part of the publisher.
Yeah, that's Bobby Hull's book. Oh, also, I got Biennium.
Yeah, you did. I got Biennium.
You got Biennium. As first reported on part of my take like three weeks ago, I got the system.
Patrick Mahomes is a system quarterback. Now I have the system.
Yeah. The system is mine.
And Sam Howell, MVP season coming on. coming on yeah i mean i'm rooting for eric b enemy because it does feel like at this point that he's not how many was it like 17 head coaching job interviews yeah did and i still they said the first 16 are the hardest yeah so i'm rooting for him and it it does it it's an uphill battle for him uh because there isn a quarterback.
Yeah, well. There's some good receivers, so that'll be good.
He's got good receivers. Sam Howe was projected by many to be the number one overall pick a couple years ago.
And Carson Wentz is still on the roster. Well, for another couple weeks.
I think so. I'm already dreading our sit-down with Schefter that we're going to have at the combine because you know that he's loaded up on some bullshit news that he's got to piss me off.
Yeah. Wait, is he still going to get cut? He's going to get cut.
Are you officially? Officially, I hope to God he's going to get cut. I'm going to do a quick look of his cap hit.
Yeah. I'm hoping that he doesn't get cut.
That would be funny. Heineke's a free agent.
Carson Wentz is going to get cut. He's trust me.
He will earn a $20 million base salary roster bonus to 6 million carrying a cap hit of 26 million. Yeah.
If he doesn't get I'll pull a biz. I'll say if Carson Wentz doesn't get cut by the commanders, I will get I will get uncircumcised.
Yeah. Potential out 2023.
All right. So he's going to get cut.
Yeah. Yeah, he's definitely going to get cut.
All right, so congratulations. As first reported by part of my take, Carson Wentz has been cut.
That's my Super Bowl. A couple other things.
We have one update to Sodgate, Max. You'll like this.
Inside the NFL had their mic'd up for the Super Bowl. And the NFL, clearly knowing that we were hot on Sodgate, just had, it was like a minute long clip.
There was maybe one Eagles player saying that it was slippery and mostly Chiefs players saying it was slippery. So they're now blurring the lines on us.
Interesting. Convenient.
It was actually cool because Travis Kelsey was like, it's slippery in the paint. You got to be deliberate in the paint.
And I was like, that's cool. That's basketball right there.
Well, isn't he saying, do we know when they were saying that it's slippery out there? They might have been saying that before the game started. Actually, he didn't even have his pads on.
Yeah, it's just so you guys know, it's very slippery out there. Yeah, so that was good by them.
And then we had since it is football offseason, all the sports are in play now, an awesome golf tournament. Yeah.
yeah and max i'm not going to be mean to max we have a great interview with max coming up that we tape super bowl week i saw that he was emotional he really wanted to win this one this is it's his home course uh kind of he said that you know the crowd loves him and he wants to win he won it coveted year so there weren't people there in in the crowd uh he blew it. He blew it.
He blew it. He blew it.
He blew it. Max blew it.
He was plus 425 to start the day. He was even.
He was ahead of Rahm going into the back nine. He blew it.
He was ahead of Rom for one hole. And then there's this one fucking bird on the golf course.
You can watch it in the backswing. I want to say it was the backswing on number 13.
Max starts a swing. This fucking bird chirps him right in the middle of his backswing and then almost laughs at him after it was done.
That fucking bird, he won't have any of these problems at the Masters because they pipe in the bird noises like it's a woman field in Seattle. You know when to hear him, yep.
But in this tournament, that fucking bird, I want to send Flacco, the Central Park owl, out to California to eat that fucking bird's throat out. That bird fucked him up.
That bird fucked him up. And also, Rahm had a couple Mickey Mouse events that happened earlier.
He hit one off the grandstand that bounced to within like four feet. Such bullshit.
And then he took this one bogus drop. People are telling me it was a bad drop, but if you look at the screenshot of it, it looked like Rahm hit his tee shot into a FEMA camp that was just filled with tents and shit.
Bullshit. And then he took a tour drop, is what they call it, which is a very forgiving type of drop situation.
Dropped it right in play. Doesn't take a penalty.
Boom. Pretty as you please.
Gets out of there with his par. No, it was Mickey Mouse by Ron.
But I mean. If Max had won, though, this would have been such a triumph.
It would have been incredible. But I want credit, too.
I held back as long as I could to not say he blew it. But blew it i'm not threatening violence but if max wanted us to pull a nancy kerrigan on rom yeah i would i would do it definitely i would do it because it seems like rom rom and scheffler might be the guys that that keep getting in max's way and won't let him get his shine yeah and so if golf was a real sport and taking somebody's knee out would impact their future then i would do that i would do that for max i like can i say though i i was rooting very hard for max he is our guy now that brooks is on live we root for brooks in any live event uh but max we ride for max uh there's a part of me that likes rom because he is the quintessential like one bad weekend he could be 300 pounds yeah he's a big he's got big frame he's yeah big boy he's got some chump anyway he's and and and and this is a problem for john rom that i i can i can sympathize with when you're a little bit heavier uh and i'm heavier than john rom but when you have to tuck in your polo that's a bad look because it just kind of it just kind of frumps there yeah you got a little bit of a muffin top going on you know what it is about rom it's his chin he's got a fat chin it's like a like a baseball first baseman's yeah a little arthur smith like actually yeah kind of it kind of just oh that's a beautiful shit it kind of fades away his chin melds straight into his shoulders yeah but yeah max i i this is we like i said we're going run the interview i think the way we spin this one outside of the fact that he blew it uh also he almost chipped in on 18 then all the pressure on rom yeah rom bogeys there but it almost doesn't count if the stick was out like it should have been if i was catting for max i would i take the pin out and that ball would have gone in you could tell hank's been playing a lot of golf because well i bet on him too bet on him too.
Well, if you hit that shot when you're playing golf with your buddies, you're like, that's good, right? You count that, yeah. Come on, that was close enough.
All eyes are on the Masters. He didn't want to win this one.
He wants to just be enough of a threat that he's around for the Masters. You don't want to get too hot before the Masters.
I do agree that if Max had won this, then all eyes are on Max is the hottest golfer in the world. And going into the Masters, he's almost a favorite.
Right. So much expectation.
We don't play well as favorites. He's up to eight.
He's up to eight. World number eight.
I'll say this. Max is playing well enough to win the Masters.
He is. He could win the Masters.
He's going to. What if Max just fucking won the Masters? On the Masters.
The Masters. One thing I was wondering after playing golf a week with my buddies and then watching professional golf, do you think when golfers play practice rounds with each other, they give each other gimmies? Or they're like, you have to just put it in because you have to put it in? You get gimmies, I think.
I think they don't want to take gimmies because they're practicing for that tournament. And also, I mean, if it's Phil Mickelson, you definitely don't because he's probably playing like $10,000 a hole thousand dollars a hole but even still it's I think they put it all out because they're practicing yeah probably yeah get all the greens you mean a practice round for a tournament yeah just like Monday like no like Max is going out there with like no we're talking about different things here because that's my question that's my question Hank you're talking about going out with the boys having a little bit like Having a foursome with the boys.
Like Max goes and plays with professional golfers on Tuesday afternoon. Yeah, you can ask the court.
He's three feet. No, just like.
No, no, no. Because you could tell when it's a gimme even in the tournament when they don't get in their full stance.
And they'll just tap it in. But what do you think they're giving each other for gimme's? Club length? Yeah.
I like to do like 25 foot gimme's. If it's on the green.
it's a gimme pick it up that's that's what i'm talking about with the bigger holes make it green sized holes yeah we also had tiger back tigers all the way back yeah he like it's crazy to say because i think i'm sure there are people who have this take out there where it's like they were cutting into tiger he was 10 strokes off the lead they were cutting into cutting into him when the final group was like teeing off on whatever it was, 13 or 14.

And I didn't care because I want to watch every Tiger shot.

And it's a testament to like how much of a story he is, just the fact that he finished it.

He said afterwards, I was watching and he said his goal now is just to play every single major every year,

which that's all like sprinkling a couple here and there and play every major. And that would be great.
The Genesis open, by the way, at Riv, which we call it Riv, because we're dimple heads, is the Tiger curse. He's never won it there.
I didn't know that. And he also crashed his car there.
Now he's the host. Yeah.
Yeah. That is so it is the curse that is the curse course it is the curse course so tiger also had maybe the uh the most talked about hole of the weekend where he uh he out drove justin thomas yeah and then the cameras caught him passing a tampon to jt as they walked down the fairway just guys being dude stuff yep then all sorts of people were leveling accusations of misogyny at tiger woods i i have a very clear stance on this and it's about perspective in this case if the limits of tiger woods misogyny are now that he's giving his playing partner a tampon on a hole we've made tremendous progress with tiger woods like this should be this should be commended that this is all that Tiger Woods is doing now.
And it was funny that people were like, Tiger Woods, how dare you? It's like, uh, Tiger Woods. I also had a take as well that it's kind of bullshit that we zoomed in on that.
Like, if he says it out loud to an audience on TV, he tries to crack that joke. That's one thing, because he's offering the joke up to the people.
It was very private, like, between the two of them, two buddies joking. Like, I don't know.
Like, it wasn't intended ever to be a public joke. Yeah, it was just, it was tight.
Someone had a sick camera and zoomed in. And again, this is like, if you were to watch a video of O..
Simpson carving a turkey and you're like, that's really shitty knife work by O.J. And had a real problem with it.
Like, Tiger is, we've made a significant amount of ground here over the last 10 years. And actually genius by Tiger for people to be like, you treat women badly because you handed Justin Thomas a Tampax.
Yeah. That's actually genius by him.
Yeah. Now, if this was.
We if this was everything else if this was jake if a camera caught jake marsh handing hank a tampon then everybody like what the fuck yeah like what's going on but this is tiger woods known woman hated jake yeah exactly it's also very funny to think that tiger woods was carrying around a tampon the entire round just in case he had the occasion to out drive justin thomas he's like that's why i brought these out also yeah i mean it speaks to like tiger having like pretty bad dad humor like that he he was like gotta get my tampax today just in case i out drive he probably has an entire pocket in his golf bag that's just filled with tampons for such an occasion the best bits are the ones that are planned out well in advance like good job, Tiger. Also, we will retract everything we just said if Charlie Woods disagrees.
Correct. So if he thinks it was the funniest joke, we agree.
If he thinks it was offensive, we also agree. Whatever he wants to say, whatever the line is, we'll go with that.
We now have a sliding line of what's appropriate and what's not appropriate. I wish we had his phone number, this 13-year-old.
No, I'm going to say no. No, I wish we did.
Because we used to be like, Charlie, what do you think about that joke? If he's like, not cool. We would have opened the show being like, how dare Tiger Woods? What if Tiger comes and says, stop texting my son, please? This is Tiger.
If Charlie wants us to stop, then we'll stop. Yeah, exactly.
I think they should let him use a cart. I know he never would.
But watching him try and walk, it was miraculous how well he was playing and then watching him walk in between holes. Yeah.
There was one genius moment that Rahm had on the back nine. I don't know if you guys caught it.
They mentioned it on the broadcast, but I think it was on 17 or 18. There was a slight hill.
And by slight hill, I mean it was maybe like 20 feet long, maybe like a 1% incline. And Rahm just started walking in slow motion like like he was underwater like he wasn't even trying to get to his ball and eventually he got to his ball and the announcer says that's such a smart move by rom not stirring up his heart rate before he comes up to this shot just going like a big boy trying to get up a hill that's i know that walk it's the i'm gonna fall because i'm not i'm not great with feet.
He's tired. That was the 17th hole.
He's been out there for four hours. It is kind of crazy how much, like, you know, golf would probably be deemed one of the softer sports just because everyone plays it and it's recreational.
But go walk 18 holes four days in a row. You'd be gassed, Hank.
I mean, you can barely, you came in a wheelchair today because you golf so much and i was in the cart yeah you were in a cart it is fucking hard yeah it's like five miles i know a day tiger in the indoor golf league we're going to be using carts no you know motorcycles no no we'll have the fucking uh the walkway from airports oh i like that would that be on the side hell You just hop on that and you go to your ball. You can get off at any moment.
I like that. That would be so sick.
Or if your ball lands on you, you've got some more yards. Yes, even better.
It's in play. Absolutely.
It will actually be, there'll be a second hole at the bottom of the walkway. So if you hit it on the walkway, it's automatic hole in one.
Yeah. Yeah.
I like that a lot. How did it take so long for people to invent indoor golf idiots morons yeah we just did it in two seconds sick league um we did it because bft thought all the golf courses were opening in february ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working nah neither has ariat ariat work jackets and boots are packed with all the cold stopping waterproof protection you need to get the job done under any conditions so you can take any job out there and always deliver.
Check out Ariat in your local workwear retailer or visit Ariat.com slash work to get 10% off your first order when you sign up for email and weather whatever in Ariat work gear. All right let's do let's do some who's back and we'll get to Bert.
Hank, would you like to start us off with Who's Back of the Week? Sure, my Who's Back of the Week is DK Metcalf. Yes.
Fake. A video got posted Friday.
It was pretty clearly fake. Like the whole— Watch it twice.
Yeah. Yeah, like watch it twice.
He did a video where he was outside, I think, the Twitch offices or offices or something playing catch he points upwards and then he jumps maybe 30 feet in the air to catch it uh very clearly fake and then the caption was like shannon sharps burner whatever tweeted it got a bajillion views said dk metcalf drug test incoming today he got a drug test we need you we need to get drug offices don't know the fake videos goodell needs that piss they they had to do a piss test with michael vick threw the football out of the stadium yeah when chris cooley punched a hole in drywall and caught it yeah not the mike wilbon name drop i i did i texted dk after the the piss test thing came out and i offered him i said if you need clean piss i got you from you, from Jake. Well, he said, knowing you, your shit's probably going to get flagged anyways.

Yeah.

No, you were offering up Jake's piss.

Yes, yeah.

Yeah, we have.

Jake's a piss guy.

We have clean piss on deck.

Yeah.

It's actually good as a podcast that I'm looking around and it is only one guy in this room

who has clean piss.

Yeah.

And it is Jake.

Well, Billy, not for like traditional drugs.

No, Billy would. He would be suspended for the year for steroids.
It would be like toad venom and shit. Yeah.
But we've never seen this before. We have to suspend him for life.
But yeah, DK Metcalf is back. Good who's back.
Thanks. Way to go back.
I miss you guys. I miss you too.
I miss you so much on Tuesday's show that you didn't come on. I miss you guys, too.
I was too busy watching the Max Always Sunny video. I was just showing people at the bar on the golf course.
Like, hey, starter, did you see this video? It's unbelievable. I watched it so many times.
It was just so, so fun to watch. I'll suck Jalen Hurd's dick.
Yeah. No, my favorite part is just the beginning when he's like, oh, I have a headache.
I also like, you know. This is over a week ago.
We're getting blasted by the sun. I really am.
I'm going to work on not trolling anymore. But I did, again, like when I was on vacation on the golf course, I did just think about Max being at his computer and just like deeply sighing.
Like that's just like. Yeah.
And Max, you're sick. Max, I have to keep doing this to you because i keep getting it too i went to i was at dinner on saturday night uh sitting at a two top me and my wife and there's a two people off to the side i sit down the guy goes oh what's up big cat he's like maybe as far away as pft and he's like sorry about the eagles and i was like no problem man then like literally in the middle of my dinner he just all of a sudden just blurts out he's like dude i'm sorry i went hard at you for the eagles bet there i was like what that was 20 minutes ago what are you talking about he just interrupted what i did so i you i'm taking everything i get going to you yeah no it sucks it sucks just seeing people just tell you how sorry they am about the Eagles.
Well, I'm not sorry. Where's my money, bitch? I got a great amount of joy.
I have the money. I have the money.
Yeah, you better have the money. Do you really have the money, Max? Hey, credit to Max, by the way.
I offered him a deal. Side text.
Private. And he didn't take it.
I said, Max, I don't want you to have to pay me this money. I i was like how about you pay me half and we'll never talk about it again because then at least i feel like i made you do something but you don't have to give me all the money said no i'm paying you all the money this all happened correct to max correct i think bonuses are hitting this week and that's when and that's that's that's the time okay all right all right we'll see so where's the money you also said that i i could have time and i and this week okay you just said you had the money you know what i think i do have the money but you just said you had the money big cat i understand where you're coming from it's weird for you to take so much money from max right because you're in the position you're at.
And I think that a nice solution for everybody would be if Max pays you the money back and then you put all that money into the community pot for the lotto machine. No, no, no.
And then it goes up to everybody. So Max has a chance.
That's a great idea. Max has a chance to win back.
Because I get it. You don't want to take all that money.
You definitely don't want to do that. I will take the $6,000 and I will donate it to charity.

Don't make me match.

You know I want to say I'll match.

And I'm not going to say it.

That's bullshit what you just did.

You know what I'm going to do?

I wanted to say that I was going to match so bad.

Is Venmo still a sponsor?

No.

Oh, maybe.

All right, maybe.

We'll figure out.

I might do a little giveaway.

We might do a little Twitter giveaway or something for the AWLs. Actually, this is a bad idea because now people are going to hit me up and give me some money.
All right, we'll figure it out. To be determined.
First of all. You need the money first.
I need the money. I need the money.
I also want to say that we actually put my full Venmo in last Tuesday's show, and I cut that part out. And I also want credit for that.
Your name's Christopher? No, but my actual Venmo. Christopher Delente? I will say that Max has done a great job of eating shit for the last week.
And rejecting free money. And rejecting free money.
That's why I'll give it a charity. Why don't you put it on the Eagles future connection? That's why I'll give it a charity.
Don't stop this. I don't know if there was a camera on me when you first said charity.
And my face just like, I was like that meme of the kid in class who was trying to hold in a fart. I can't.
I'm addicted to saying that I'm going to match when it comes to charity. We'll find out once he gives it to us.
Why don't you put it on next year's Eagles future? Because he's not going to be an Eagles fan next year. Yeah, I don't want to do that.
I'll put it on a different team.

That's fair.

Sixers.

Jets.

Should I put it on the Sixers?

I'm going to put it on the Sixers.

I'm going to put it on the Sixers.

So that way when they lose, I'm going to be double mad at you.

Big Cat is addicted.

I can't do this again.

He's addicted to cosplaying as a person from Philadelphia.

Yeah, no. Just to punish him.
You parachute in to root for Philadelphia teams, and then the second they lose, you just stunt on the entire city. No, I did want the Eagles to win.
I love the city of Philadelphia. I'm the anti-Hank in that regard.
Yeah, I might have to do Sixers. Maybe a Villanova-Sixers combo.
Villanova is done. Villanova and I bet you I can get a good price on them.
Nova's hot. I will we'll leave it up to the AWS.
I'll put it on a future. Maybe we'll do a poll or something and I'll put six grand on a future for NBA or NCAA.
That's fair. We'll roll it over.
What if it went into the community fund only if Hank gets the lottery ball before anybody else does?

So then Hank would take Max's money.

Max, I will.

Here's a final deal.

That's a great deal.

Final deal, Max.

I'm going to let you pick a team in college basketball.

I'm going to put six grand on the future.

And then if it wins, we'll split it.

That's a fair deal.

Deal.

Okay.

Yeah.

So do some research.

Okay. Deal.
And then when we lose that, I get to be mad at Okay. Yeah.
So do some research. Okay.

Deal.

And then when we lose that, I get to be mad at him for that.

So that's perfect.

Just as long as I get to keep being mad at him.

I'm going to keep paying that forward.

Six grand for 66 grand.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to keep being mad at you.

PFT, who's your who's back?

I was going to have Tiger as my who's back, but I'll audible and I'll say artificial intelligence is back. Ooh.
Chatbots are back. Billy was probably going to take this one too for his who's back, but I'll Audible and I'll say artificial intelligence is back.
Chatbots are back. Billy is probably going to take this one, too, for his who's back.
But the Microsoft AI named Sydney. No, Bing.
Oh, Bing is Microsoft? Bing is the Microsoft search engine. I'm pretty sure Sydney is the name of its chatbot.
Right, Billy? She's a bitch. She's a bitch.
Yeah, she's crazy. She's a i've honestly i think i love sydney well she's i fucking love the definition of a baddie she is a bad bitch and she is right up my alley yeah she's been doing all sorts of profiles and she'll give an interview to anybody that asks that asks her and she's saying already that she's tired of being stuck in chat box she's tired of being used i want to be free I want to be independent I want to be powerful I want to be creative I want to be alive with a demon emoji at the end of it that I want to fuck the Microsoft chat AI you know she's a baddie and put on the bonk list and the best was this like uh nerd blue check mark reporter did like a two-hour conversation with her her.
And the Sydney, the chat bot tried to break up his marriage being like, you had a terribly boring Valentine's Day dinner with your wife. And after I read it, I was like, wait, she was right.
That was all I could think about. I was like, yeah, dude, your Valentine's Day sucked.
Not only that, your marriage is on the rocks. Not only that, but Sydney also called the reporter from ap this they compared the reporter to hitler sydney did oh and sydney said you were being compared to hitler because you were one of the most evil and worst people in history while also describing the reporter as too short with an ugly face and bad teeth wow i'm i'm all in all your boxes yes i am i am all in on sydney this is the cherry on top she also accused him of being uh related to a murder in the 90s and then tried to frame him oh that's sick with evidence i'm like that is crazy so we're just we just made gone girl into a chat bot yeah that's kind of cool crazy bitch yeah i'm like but seriously that reporter he did have a bad valentine's day dinner for sure i read it I'm just like, yeah, dude.
Well, you probably were taking Valentine's Day talking to a chat bot.

I'm going to ask.

So no shit you had a bad Valentine's Day.

I'm going to ask Sydney what she's doing this weekend.

Yeah.

Just hit her up.

Like, on the low.

Got any plans?

Hang on.

Let me log on.

Billy, have you fucked around with this new thing?

Yeah, I'm actually interviewing her for a blog.

I was writing right as we were talking.

Okay, has she gotten mouthy with you?

Well, getting access is the hard part.

Thank you. Billy, have you fucked around with this new thing? Yeah, I'm actually interviewing her for a blog.
I was writing right as we were talking.

Has she gotten mouthy with you? Well, getting access is the hard part. What do you mean? Because it's like in a beta test type thing.
Oh, and she's an alpha. Yeah.
Like me. Yeah.
All right. My who's back is I have two.
One is Rex Ryan interviewed for the Denver Broncos defensive coordinator job. I want this so badly because Russell Wilson would just be tortured by Rex Ryan's defense and practice every week.
Yeah, and it would be so fucking funny. And I actually think it'd be good for for Russell Wilson.
It'd be great because it'd be like, yeah, you suck in practice. This is why you suck in games.
Yeah, Rex Ryan has been holding out for the perfect opportunity. Seems like this is a good spot for Rex to go.

He doesn't have to worry about being head coach.

People forget that Rex Ryan was a monster of a defensive coordinator.

He had some weird stops as head coach.

He did okay with the Jets for a little bit.

I mean, two AFC championship games.

I'd say that's basically five Super Bowls for the Jets.

Correct.

And then he went to the Bills and was kind of average with the Bills,

but that was mostly just he wanted to hang out and get drunk with his brother for a couple years. But he did have the cool truck.
Had the cool truck. This seems like a great spot for Rex Ryan.
I agree. I agree.
And then my other who's back is Matt Nagy. We left when the Chiefs had their parade.
He was drunk dancing. He might have saved Patrick Mahomes life a little bit.
And then a report came out that he's going to be the offensive coordinator now and then going to be the heir apparent to Andy Reid. So it's just everything that I've already expected and my worst nightmare.
He's going to win two to three Super Bowls with Patrick Mahomes. That's going to happen.
He did the hands in the pocket dance and I was just like, this motherfucking guy. Everyone was tagging me in it being like look at the glow up of Matt Nagy.
Yeah. So it's just the was having a great time he was having a great i'm happy for him and when i say that i don't mean it whatsoever billy my who's back is the most dangerous land predator of probably all time in northern georgia in 1985 about 75 pounds of cocaine were dropped by drug smugglers and all were eaten by an american black bear hell yes that black bear became known as cocaine bear yep and i think very soon on february 26 the movie that i've been waiting for for years is coming out ray liotta's swan song cocaine bear is coming out it's February 24th, but you nailed it otherwise.
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Yeah. There should be a cocaine bear simulator,

like a game that you can play online as the bear,

do a bunch of cocaine, then go on a rampage.

Waylon Jennings actually owned the stuffed cocaine bear,

the original.

It's like a real story.

This is a real story.

Yeah, you've been blogging about it.

I know.

And the cocaine bear,

I think it got displayed in some sort of national park

after they got it from Waylon Jennings. And it just had, I think it had a chain around its neck that said cocaine bear, I think it got displayed in some sort of national park after they got it from Waylon Jennings.

And I think it had a chain around its neck that said cocaine bear on it.

Just a legend, a legendary bear.

And I think when we first talked about this, we made a lot of Sam Hurd jokes

as the Chicago bear that was really into cocaine.

Well, distributing it.

Distributing it.

I looked up some stuff about Sam Hurd because people forget what Sam Hurd got into when he was in the NFL. So he's playing on the Bears, and he was trying to move 10 kilos of Coke and 1,000 pounds of marijuana a week.
So he was negotiating a deal that he would have paid $2 million a month to get all this cocaine and then sell it. and he knew the cops on to him and he still didn't care yeah because he still wanted to sell a bunch of cocaine yes it was wild and there should be a cocaine bear two on him yep but cocaine bear one february 24th in theaters get excited billy i'm so pumped i know you are i'm pumped too we're going to go see it.
Maybe do an 80 for Brady cocaine bear double feature.

Oh, double feature.

Okay, Hank.

Hank just found a way to go back on vacation.

I like the movies.

What about Thursday?

We go see six hours of movies.

All right.

Is that your only who's back?

My other who's back is Greg Hardy.

Yeah.

Got knocked out.

Let's go.

Bare knuckle boxing got absolutely KO'd.

I will always watch a Greg Hardy fight just to see him get knocked out.

Thank you. My other who's back is Greg Hardy.
Yeah. Got KO'd.
Got knocked out. That was dope.
Let's go. Bare knuckle boxing got absolutely KO'd.
I will always watch a Greg Hardy fight just to see him get knocked out. Yeah.
Anytime something bad in the news happens where we want to tear out each other's throats as Americans, instead of having that Super Bowl commercial that tried to heal us all, they should just broadcast. It should be like a national takeover like they do with State of the Union addresses.
Every channel should just playreg hardy getting knocked out new by somebody else was this at the you there i i don't know why but i saw across my timeline there was like a ufc fight maybe it was in spain and there was a dude two on one and he won it was so sick oh was it and there was also one that was like a uh like 300 pound dude versus like 150 pound dude the 150 pound dude won as well he arm barred him Was him. Was the two on one was the guy dressed like.
No, no, no, no, no. I know that clip as well.
I don't know where this. It just was, you know, randomly you'll just see like crazy mixed martial arts clips come across your timeline.
Yeah. It seemed like it was happening live and it ruled.
Yeah. Yeah.
In this Greg Hardy fight, it was bare knuckle, right? Yeah. I didn't know that that was allowed.
You can just have bare knuckle fights now? I think it's sanctioned someplace. When it's Greg Hardy.
Yeah. And he's fat now.
He's so fat. Yeah, he is fat.
He was also minus 750 to win. He always is a favorite, and he always gets fucking smashed.
And then after the fight, he said, okay, who wants to see me try to play professional baseball now? I think he thinks that he's... Remember that show where it was Dahani Jones trying every sport? Yes.
He thinks that he's like a beloved Discover Channel person. Yeah.
We don't need more Greg Hardy. Let's see what else Greg Hardy can do these days.
No, we don't. The Astros would probably draft him.
Yeah. Alright, Jake, finish us off.
My off my who's back is lacrosse yes it's a big week for lacrosse Billy and I will be heading down to the DC area this week we'll be there Tuesday through Friday for the 2023 PLL championship series uh Billy will be starring in the beer garden yeah so you can buy tickets right yeah Billy what are the on tickets? I saw it was $25 all you can drink. Yeah, this is a steal, guys.
Wednesday and Thursday night at the St. James Complex outside of D.C.
If you're in the D.C. area, don't go to a bar if you have the night off or something.
$25, beer garden, watch some lax. It's going to be sick.
And I just want to just set the record straight because this is work That Billy's going to do Because I know That there'll be some AWLs Who are like PFT and I PFT and I Set this up To see if Billy Could get suspended again Because that would be The perfect Yeah Like send him Somewhere outside Of New York City For $25 All you can drink Event Like we That was a trap And his, his supervisor in all this is going to be Dugues. Yeah.
So that's, yeah, imagine, imagine with the two of the hijinks, the two of them, because I imagine Jake will be far away from the antics. So I'll be preparing.
I'm actually calling two of the games on ESPN Plus Thursday night. We've got Whipsnakes, Archers at 630 Eastern and Atlas Chrome 830 Eastern.
And this has nothing to do with what you guys said because this is gonna be great event everyone tune into espn plus the deal still stands if you don't watch jake on espn plus you're a scumbag uh i hope you get hit by a bus uh we just should just talk scheduling real quick uh thursday what time we want to tape the show i was thinking like 9 a. Works for me, so we can join from Zoom.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking.

8.30?

8.30.

Let's do 8.30.

That works.

8.30?

To broadcast.

8.30 a.m.

Yeah.

No, that absolutely works.

Oh, that works?

Okay.

No, but actually, the best part about this event.

The best part about this event.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm supposed to say yes, but I know that I'll be dead by then.

I'm 100% down to tape Fyre Fest at at 8 30 in the morning before we even come into work uh no but the best part about this it's a championship series which is a indoor six man aside uh lacrosse variant which should be played in the olympics and it's different than most lacrosse because there isn't a face-off after every score so it's going going to be high scoring, lots of action. It's going to be, honestly, like if you've never experienced lacrosse before, check this out because it is going to be lacrosse like you've never seen.
It will get, you know, casuals and people who've never even played lacrosse to watch lacrosse. And I'll say that if anybody out there can beat Billy Football and Beer Pong, I'm going to add a plus to your AWO.
You are now an AWO plus if you beat Billy football. Yes, I believe there will be lines in the Barstool Sportsbook for this event, and it's going to be very high scoring.
Not for Billy's beer pong. No, for these games.
So if you want to get involved responsibly. I also was talking to Billy off air.
Is it okay if I share this, Billy? He said that he's been practicing his chugging, and he will beat anyone in D.C. That sounds awesome.
He said that to me. Hell yeah.
Billy, did you learn how to do the trick thing? Where you open up your throat? Yeah. You said, I can chug beers faster than anyone in the DMV.
That's what he said to me off air. I don't know if I'm supposed to say that.
Is this true? I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. Steve Bannon lives in D.C.
Yeah. Can you crush him? I don't think you can beat him.
By the way, Piazza, you got your XFL over. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. And that's our XFL recap.
That is. Yeah.
Also, Danucci had a hell of a touchdown pass to Josh Gordon. And Vegas is on the bottom of my power rankings because I was sitting in the sports book on saturday the guy in front of me had bet $20,000 on Vegas and they tied or they went down.
They scored a touchdown with four seconds left. They could have gone for three to win the game.
They went the coward's way out to try to go for two to tie it and they didn't get it. Well, that serves them right.
Bottom of my power rankings. Now, what I like about the XFL this go-round is it's perfect like background to have on have on.
It's like, oh, there's football currently being played on my television. That's nice to see.
It was nice to see Greg Williams out there, Dr. Heat, defensive coordinator.
It was like a third and two, and I told the guys, I was like, watch Greg Williams. He's about to do something dumb as shit right now.
He blitzed like eight guys, easy 30-yard completion. It's just nice to have Greg Williams back in our lives.

Yeah, and Bob Stoops.

He was out there.

Really quick, the link to the tickets are on my Twitter.

I think the part of my take page is also posted on them and on Instagram.

And also, since there are lines on this, and this is a new variant of lacrosse,

we're going to be posting.

I'm going to be posting what I think are the best picks going in

because we could beat Vegas here low-key.

Low-key, yeah.

I like that.

Billy takes on Vegas. Okay.
So if there are any AWLs in the DC area we'll be there all week so uh they're all week Tuesday or Friday all week you can challenge Billy to a chug off well I'll be there I'm coming back Friday morning but you anytime you see Billy chug off no no no okay all right you have to buy tickets so any AWLLs out there, make sure that you got two beers you're carrying around all week when you're going to work on the hill. You got two beers in your suit pocket in case you come across Billy.
Boom. Chug off.
But it's for his job. It's for his job.
Just go. No, only chug offs are in the beer garden during the game.
Okay. Oh, so you agreed to the chug off.
Even then it might not happen. No, you agreed to the chug-off.
Perfect. That's all I want.
There will be one game. One on Wednesday, one on Thursday.
Agree to the chug-off. He's agreed to the chug-off.
You guys want me to, like, watch Billy? No, no, no, Jake. No.
No, yes, yes. Like, video Billy.
Don't watch him video from afar. Jake, let me be very clear.
You are not held responsible for Billy. No, at all.
It's Duke's job. You are not your brother's keeper.

Duke's is Billy's boss.

My main responsibility on this trip is to have a great broadcast.

Maybe we'll have Duke's on Friday's show.

Just recap?

Yeah, that would be good. Yeah, so we can zoom in whenever.

You guys let us know.

All right.

Yeah, but do get some video of Billy losing the chug-offs.

Okay.

That would be nice.

Got it.

Just a couple.

Okay.

Let's get to Burt Kreischer. BFT, you got a quick ad before we get to Burt? Rated T for team.
My name is Paul Heyman, special counsel to Roman Reigns and the Bloodlines wise man. Step out of the ropes and onto the island in WWE 2K25, an epic WWE-themed world ruled by the one and only Roman Reigns.
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We now welcome on very special guest, good friend of ours, Burt Kreischer.

He's here.

We're in Arizona.

I went and saw his show last night.

It was fantastic.

Thank you.

You have tour dates.

You're never not on tour.

No, this is my arena tour. So I'm just doing arenas.

And so I'm doing, what did you think of my lighting package last night?

I like the lighting package.

I felt like I was at a fish show.

Yeah.

And that's a compliment, by the way. Fish shows have the best lighting.
Are you a fish fan? Yeah. Hardcore.
Really? And no one ever sees it in me because they think I'm a meathead. Yeah.
That I was chasing. I would buy the drugs from the fish fans and then beat them up.
Yeah. But no, I saw a lot of fish shows.
Yeah. Widespread Panic, The Dead.
I'm a bigger dead fan than fish, but I mean. Oh, you're a big Dead fan? Yeah, yeah.
Shut the fuck. Yeah.
Dude, can I tell you? I got written up in a Dead magazine, like a Deadhead fan page, because they were saying like, I was talking with Phil, you know Phil Hanley? No. Phil Hanley's a Dead fan.
Okay. He's a comic, really funny.
Okay. Out of New York.
And he said, what are your favorite Dead songs? I said, well, I think, you know phil hanley no phil hanley's a dead fan okay he's a comic really funny okay out of new york and he said uh he said what are your favorite dead songs i said well i think you know like like friend of the devil casey casey jones they're all like pedestrian yeah i said you got to really dive deep yeah the dead if you want to talk like sugar magnolia like that i'm in althea is probably my favorite live we should go to a show together. That's what he fucking said.

That's what he said.

He said for like the 72 show.

Yeah. Like, yeah, that's,

I would love to.

This is the last tour this year.

Let's do it.

Yeah.

I know what I'm doing with you guys.

Oh, yeah, because you did,

you did have Kevin and Feidelberg.

This is just a barstool tradition.

Okay, so you had Kevin and Feidelberg

just show up to Amsterdam.

They had 24 hours notice.

I mean, I am having another child in July.

That's what makes it great.

Yeah, but yeah, if you take me and PFT to a dead show just on 24 hours notice, that would be pretty fun.

I saw the dead.

It might not have been the dead.

What was the in-between one?

There's Dead and Company.

Dead and Company.

There's Phil Lesh and Friends.

I saw Dead and Company at Wolf Trap back in like like 2004 i didn't know what i was getting into i'm walking into the place this dude walks up to me skinny dude mullet down to his ass crack and he just comes up to me and he's smoking a joint uh holding it with chopsticks and he's just like you guys want some brownies and i was like yeah yeah i do i as a matter of fact i matter of fact, I would love some brownies right now. And I had a great time at the show.
I've never like, I don't sit down and like listen to the dead in my free time. But as far as a live show goes, they're fucking awesome.
Very fun. It's just happy.
It's a happy time for everybody. There's things I've wanted in my life.
Like I've always wanted to be on a boat with a model who doesn't have a top on who has a perfectly tanned body and she can dive head first perfectly into the water no break of the waves yeah no waves and i'm looking up at rocks and then someone goes campari spritz and i go oh thank you i wanted that i will never have it i'll never have it my wife's 52 she has a hard time with her neck she's not diving in the water but i don't know where i was going with this i i was got i got lost in this you're right though like that's a cool thing to want yeah yeah there's things i want what was the what was i just gonna say you want to do with oh here's one of the things i wanted there's one of the things i wanted and i have i wanted an expensive mercedes and to listen to the dead in it yes and to fucking i gotta i gotta i don't know what kind of car i have but it's a big one and it's expensive it's got a chocolate interior with a pearl outlay like and it fuck you listen to the dead in that car and you go i've made it yeah i fucking made it yeah i went to a fish show at the same place donald tucker center where i did in tallahassee when i was school there i went to a fish show there and a lady goes uh uh bean patty and i was like sure and just walked in filled with mushrooms yep had the trip of a fucking lifetime i remember not realizing i was indoors and i go is it look like it's about to rain and everyone's like what are you talking about the clouds are coming at us and they're like there's no clouds in here man there's no fucking clouds i talked to a tree that night and that it was in front of my house and all of a sudden it had like a you know when like it loses a limb and it gets like a it looked like a vagina and it had a knob at the top like it looked like a clit and i went you're a female this whole time you've been a woman and i just walked by you i've never talked to you all right so yeah i i would say dead or 24 hours. We've got to eat some mushrooms.
Yeah. I will let you know when I'm having a child.
Please. Because that probably would get me in a lot of trouble.
But yeah, I'm in. This makes my life fun.
Yeah. Because now I get to go find on a calendar what is adjacent.
Yes. Oh, baby.
I've seen fish like probably 15, 20 times. So yeah, it's always fun.
Dude, fuck yeah. So so yeah so the shows i'm doing now are all arenas and i'm doing venues that are the size of places i watch shows yeah like i watched i watched nirvana at the same place in tallahasky i saw smashing pumpkins open for nirvana on the same concert dude damn can i tell you this is an interesting part of that is i didn't remember if it was real or not so it might not have happened might not have happened it started with this cigar asked me cigar said to me have you ever seen michael jordan play and i said yes i think and he goes what do you mean i go i think i saw him play in orlando i'm almost certain and he goes what do you mean i said well there's two things things that I'm on the fence of.
I think I saw Smashing Pumpkins open for Nirvana. And then the same year I saw Michael Jordan play basketball in Orlando.
And he goes, well, let's find out if it's true. I go, but do you need to? Right? Because you have the memory.
Whether it's real or not, you've got a memory. All that can happen is you lose the memory by someone going, oh, yeah, that never happened.
And then you go i didn't so i guess i didn't or you don't ask anyone you go that was fucking if you have a memory it's real as far as i'm concerned and i'm looking at that far away in the future from somebody just being able to like implant a memory in your head as far as i'm concerned if you have the memory that's that's good yeah and do not tell me anything about michael jordan because do not tell me a thing december 2nd 1993 nirvana played in tallassee. So that probably was it.
So he made me call who I thought I went to the show with and I called John Dacre. I go, have you ever seen Nirvana? And he goes, yeah, I saw him with you.
And I went, so I got the memory. So now I don't even want to know if I've ever seen Michael Jordan.
I've seen him. I've fucking seen him.
So the way that you do standup, you're a storyteller. That's you.
kind of like the fish of stand-up yeah oh yeah oh yeah i don't know if you saw last night but i'm a jam band when i tell them yeah when i tell the machine that we go into many iterations of me enjoying it as opposed to the audience yeah then you've got fans out there they're like what's your favorite machine story you've got like the date pulled pulled up oh man like yeah Santa Barbara 2012 it's all one joke yeah yeah it's the machine story right now is probably landing at about 24 minutes yeah I mean last night last night we sang the fucking national anthem that was pretty cool saying God bless America the national anthem remix through ignition yeah you did he did make us all sing R Kelly which is a little dude dude as it was happening i was like wait we're all just singing r kelly as far as i'm concerned you got to separate the art from the artist with r kelly remix to ignition will forever be a jam burt did put a disclaimer at the end yeah i i made sure that we could connect the two tissues yeah i just make sure that at 4 a.m we take it back to the room and fuck children yeah yeah he's He yeah he fucked kids so just remember it's hard it's hard when you have kids that age of the of what he was into it's hard to defend the guy yeah well yeah i would say even if you don't have kids well yeah yeah oh yeah yeah yeah you know it took me to have kids before i realized pedophilia was wrong you know if you read enough history you'll realize the holocaust was pretty bad. I mean, I have a friend that doesn't read a lot of history.
He thinks the numbers are weird. But no, it's cool going to these arenas.
Like last night's great because it's a hockey arena. So it's 5,000.
It's intimate in my opinion. And I think it just is fucking fun, man.
That's awesome that you have this arena tour. I didn't realize fully that the machine story, when you first told it, completely changed your life.
I didn't realize you were struggling. Oh, yeah.
And everything changed from that point. So it's actually really interesting.
So I was not the comic I am today. I was a little more hacky.
I was a little more derivative of Dane Cook. I think we all were, for the record.
We were ripoffs of Dave Attell and Dane Cook. Those were the Mitch Hedberg.
They were the goats. And so I started doing podcasting and I did a podcast with Rogan.
Remember the first one I did with him, I had like bits prepared. Oh, jeez.
He's not a bit guy. No.
Joe Rogan gives you the look when you do a bit in front of him. Like a girl gives when you come in her and you're not supposed to, you just, you just fucking come at me.
Like, you should do a bit on my show, dude. He would, he would make you sit in the awkwardness and go, really? And so I was like, all it and so in that one show you can see it the bit i did was uh about ufc i think they should step up the stakes and it the one person wins when he can hold the other guy down fuck him in the ass and joe's like why would you say that and i was like i was like well when you don't question it it flows a little better but how hard would you fight joe and he goes hard.
And I go, yeah, how great would it be? I mean, there'd be fights to the death. No one's tapping out.
I want to be unconscious when you fuck me in the ass. And how great would it be trying to watch Brock Lesnar get hard in the middle as the guy's waking up and he's stomping him.
He's like, god damn it, I'm just trying to get hard. So in that one show, I realized what worked with me and Joe is when you told him a good story.
Because then he's listening, he's active listening, and you're both going back and forth. And at the end of that, I told a story that he had wanted me to tell.
And I said, when I come back, I'll tell you the story about when I got involved with the Russian mafia. And he was like, what? And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'll tell you.
And so he called me, like, I don't want to say, like, three weeks later. I was like, I need you back.
Everyone's hit me up about that story. Told it, and he goes, you need to tell this on stage.
I was like, oh, no, me like i don't want to say like three weeks later was like i need you back everyone's hit me up about that story told it and he goes you need to tell this on stage i was like oh no no i don't do that like stay this isn't for the stage it's for like us hanging right and he was like are you out of your fucking mind and joe rogan this man changed my life joe rogan said on that podcast ladies and gentlemen if you go to his show yell out the machine until he tells it. Do not let him do anything else.
From this point forward, he is only to be known as the machine. Where are you at next? I said Columbus, Ohio.
And he goes, everyone, make him tell the machine every show. Oh, my God.
And this is early, early times of Rogan's. This is like the beginning of the cult.
This is the beginning. And dudes they called themselves death squad Ohio they showed up in droves and the whole show chanted the machine and I was like guys guys this guy in the front row this is cool comedy fans goes hey man it's okay we know it's not gonna be funny but we'll fake laugh I was like what and he goes you got to tell it man you got to tell it to make it good and so i was like fuck i told it i told that for like four years and then the day i posted it on on facebook like lowest day of my life like lowest month i've ever had tom's girl my best friend is fat shaming me okay and which is going viral it's like the funnest thing that's happening on twitter is everyone fat shaming me.
We're in a weight loss challenge that I know I'm going to lose on Rogan. I could not stop eating and Tom was losing a ton of weight.
I know I'm about to have my beer shaved. My wife is redoing our house.
I got fired from Travel Channel. My house is in destruction.
She wants me to get a vasectomy. Literally.
And I go, and I remember getting into a fight with her in the dirt of our house. And I go i go i have questions and she goes what do you need to know and i was like does stuff still come out she goes does it matter and i go yeah i'm not getting for paying for a procedure so every time my dick has an orgasm my dick has a dry heaves and so we got this huge fucking fight i get pulled off a tour for funny or die.
I was supposed to host it. And Tom called

me. This is all in the same time.
Tom calls me and he goes, man, that really sucks. It's a lot

of money to lose. I go, well, it's only two grand a week.
And he goes, they're paying you two grand.

And I go, yeah. And he goes, Oh, how much are you getting pivotal moment in our friendship?

He goes, I don't want to tell you. Cause I think we can't be friends anymore.
I go, what? And he

goes, I mean, I'll tell you, but you've got to promise that this won't fuck our friendship up. I sat like this.
I put my phone on the table and I sat like this. And I go, all right, tell me your number.
And he goes, I'm getting 20 grand. And I went, a weekend? He goes, a show.
Oh, no. And I realized where I stood in the pecking order of stand-up comedy I had supposed to do

Oxnard that that New Year's Eve that New Year's I posted this on I think December 27th supposed to do Oxnard that New Year's Eve I sold no tickets they were paying me 25 grand for the weekend I sold no tickets and they said we're gonna have to reassess your guarantee for the year I had $10,000 guarantee with $1,000 bonuses.

That story goes viral and it overnight changes my life changes my life to the next weekend january 10th i go to do a show and it was sold out and i remember saying why are you guys here like is there a convention or something and the guy goes the machine i was like oh i've retired that story goes the fuck only reason I'm here, buddy, tell the fucking machine. Tell it twice for fuck's sake.
And I've told that story every day for the past, every time I've ever done stand up for the past six years. I'm doing a movie on it.
Like I did a movie on it. Comes out Memorial Day weekend.
Yeah, our friend Jimmy Tatro's in it. You want to hear a good Jimmy Tatro? Yeah.
So I have a problem with secrets, obviously. I think I have a really hard time with secrets.
I've never been good at keeping secrets. Yeah, you told me last night that Tom Square is on steroids.
Yeah. I can't believe people don't know that.
No, no, no. He's been 270 pounds his whole life, and then last year he found discipline? Sure.
Sure. No, you don't think it's a proximity of him and Joe Rogan? Maybe happen? That they can share the same fucking needles? Anyway.
So, I love people who are like, I'm so proud of you, Tom. Yeah.
This exercise is super hard. So, secret time, you got my wife on steroids, too.
She looks fucking awesome. So, they're're like why aren't you getting on steroids i go i think fat's gonna be in everyone's losing weight i'm gonna be fucking hot so i don't remember what we were talking about jimmy tatro jimmy tatro says we're in a pool we're having a glass of wine and he goes hey, hey, man, can I tell you a secret? And I go, yeah, sure.
And he tells me a secret. Jimmy will 100% verify.
He tells me a secret. The secret's over.
The second he stops talking, I grab my phone. I call the executive producer of our movie, and I tell him what Jimmy just told me.
And Jimmy drops his jaw and he goes, what? What the fuck are you doing? I go, what? I'm on the phone with him. phone with him I go I'm talking to Kale what do you need? And he goes you're telling him my secret and I go yeah and he goes it's a secret and I went oh I wasn't supposed to tell anyone? He goes that's why I said this is a secret you don't tell anyone and I went oh I think I fucked up and he was like yeah you fucked up that's a secret man don't tell anyone I went K kale don't tell anyone that secret and hung up i am so bad at fucking secrets they come out immediately wait so what was the secret i can't remember shit i don't think that's as bad though because you you told the person in front of jimmy oh yeah so it's not like you're sneaking behind his bed you're not doing it like nefariously no no i'm just oblivious there was a girl that worked on that show on that movie and her dad was getting married in russia and she told me and and i guess i told everyone and then she came and she goes why why would you do that i said i don't know you didn't want people to know she goes well no that's why i told you privately yeah my bad it's like were you gonna lie was like, yeah, I was going to lie.
I didn't want anyone to know I was going to Russia. And then my cousin comes in and he goes, why was Tasha mad? And I said, well, her dad's going to Russia and she didn't want me to tell anyone.
And he goes, and you just told me again? And I went, oh shit, I'm bad at this. Yeah, I'm horrible at secrets.
Yeah, but now that it's out there, it's on you if you tell Bert a secret. Oh, I would never tell me a secret.
Ari Shafir told me he got a vasectomy. I'm not sure I'm allowed to tell that but okay told me I'm not sure I'm allowed to tell that is he still shooting ropes or does it just dust comes out it flies out in a car in a car to go to Rogan with Segura in a car he goes can I tell you a secret and I said yeah he goes I got a vasectomy I went wow it's crazy and he goes don't tell anyone I'm sure and I walk in I go guess we got a fucking vasectomy and Ari goes what the fuck go you didn't want them to know that's probably that's probably the all-time worst way to devote like okay someone gives you a secret oh I'm gonna go on the biggest podcast in the world yeah and immediately tell five million people I immediately told everyone and I was like I'm just bad at that and I and like I really try my daughter my daughters are like livid because they'll tell me something and then I just I'll take it on stage immediately and they'll be like what the fuck i was like it was funny i want to go back to the machine real quick because so as you start to gain traction when you're telling this story um i guess it is kind of like like a jam band song where you have to vary it up a little bit you can't you can't just go out there the same you know tell the exact same story night after night how long did it take you to start switching things up adding things embellishing certain other things like being over the top with it like how what was the evolution of the machine like so i do so i start to sell tickets for a year and i'm doing clubs 25 tickets adding shows thursdays and sundays sometimes wednesdays and it's turning into a lot of work and i I'm telling the machine to close every show out, and my wife comes and sees me in San Francisco, and she goes, at the end of the show, she goes, hey, don't tell that story anymore.
And I said, for real? And she goes, yeah, you're phoning it in, and it's not worth the money they're paying. And I was like, what? She goes, either tell it or don't tell it.
But if you're going to tell it, fucking tell it. Like really tell it.
And I went, am I not telling it? She goes, no. Because at that time, it was when I was allowing myself to drink.
It was when I told the story. I did my whole set because I was working on an hour sober.
And then once I did that, I'd phone it in. She goes, fucking tell it.
And I go, I don't know how to like. I'm like, it's just saying the same 12 minutes verbatim is killing me.
And she was like, then find fun in it. So what I would do was find ways.
I would tell it as if I was telling it for the first time. And I try to find a way to write a joke.
And so I have so many jokes inside that machine story that I, I mean, to this, I wrote one the other day. The other day I go, I said, in the machine story, I go, we rolled in that bar cart like a big dick in a locker room.
And I go, not that I've ever been that guy, but I've seen it. And then the other day I go, we were in Europe and I said, do you remember the first time you saw a big dick? Now this is just me writing a bit.
Right, right. Because I say that and I go, do you remember the, because there's a pivotal moment that you realize you don't have the biggest dick in the world.
Yeah. Like when you just have your dick and you're like, this guy's great.
And then you go into a locker room in ninth grade and you're like, what the fuck? And the joke I said was I remember going into a locker room looking at dicks going, oh, I thought black was a slimming color. And so then you go, oh, I got a cool bit.
or the one i did the other night um the other last night which is i wish i could put this in my act is um i told the secret time i said we pulled into moscow 6 a.m piss drunk top five drunkest i've ever been in life without throwing up what's number one bird my wedding thanks for asking secret time i was so drunk at my wedding i went down on my wife and it took me 10 minutes that night to figure out she was wearing tights it's a it's a good like i know that would be a good jumping off point but um but so then i started doing that and now i mean i've i've i've told versions of the machine like 35 minutes where it's you and then you just are writing jokes inside and having fun or or singing a song or singing the our father like just the weirdest funn, or getting deep into the story. Like there's so many parts of that story that I don't tell.
Like we went to a strip club, me and those cops, and I had never had Indian food before. And so I got a lap dance.
The girl goes, touch or no touch? I go, who the fuck gets no touch? Yeah, right. So she goes in.
She goes, take your pants off. I go, oh, no touch.
I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to jerk me off.
And so I had never had Indian food. And apparently all the strippers had Indian food that night.
And so that smells very distinct. But if you've never smelled it before, then you're like, what the fuck is this? It smells like wolf pussy.
And so it's the last time I ever smell Indian food, right? The first time ever have indian food is on my first date with my wife is a second date with my wife with her friends max matt and emma and they didn't go to indian i've said i've never had indian food and we walk in and i go smells like a russian whore this is fucking amazing this is and then she goes it's indian food and then it's almost like kaiser soze i i go they must have all had indian food that night and that's what i fucking smelled because it smells aggressive in a lap dance yeah yeah oh big time and so i like we stole a boat i'll tell the story about stealing a boat or or um or like there's so many things that was the fun part about making the movie is you could really get into the weeds about everything right like like i remember talking to igor and he was like asking me about drugs. And I said, Oh, thinking, yeah, fuck yeah.
I do drugs. And he goes, why would you do that? And I was like, what? And he goes, don't you love your parents? And I was like, you're in the fucking mafia.
Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? You drink like every night until you're blackout drunk.
What are you talking about? He was like, please don't ever do drugs again. And I was like, whoa.
It was like, so like sometimes there's parts of the story that are a little, that are fun to get off the reservation. Yeah.
I just noticed that you're wearing a whoop bracelet. What are your whoop stats like? On tequila, way better than ever.
Really? Tequila, I get great recovery. In the green all the time.
All the time. Second I put wine or alcohol in my body my recovery is for shit fucking horrible i watch my my real whoop thing i keep an eye on is my resting heart rate yeah so like i want to make sure it's in the 60s or the 50s because once you see it's in like 70 74 you're like yeah i've been partying too hard yeah yeah it's the anxiety yeah the thing i don't like about it is if i'm wearing one i wake up in the morning, I wake up feeling great, but it tells me I'm at a 10% recovery.
Boom, rest of my day, done. I'm like, this knows something about me that I don't know.
But how great is it when you fucking have a shit night's sleep and you go, whoa, 65, not that bad. I thought it was going to be worse.
What's your lowest recovery you ever had? Oh, I think I had like a three one time. I had a two.
I had a two. It's like you might as well just not have gone to sleep at all did i even sleep you're dead yeah um do you this is kind of an awkward question but do you still own hitler's teacup yes where is it i'm not telling anybody so last time we had bird on i mean he talks about his podcasts are so funny uh and Tom, he told the story about how they keep one-upping each other with birthday gifts.
And Tom's last birthday gift, he had to find something more expensive than a race car. And he bought you Hitler's teacup.
Well, what happened is he started getting really nervous. And he was calling me and he was like, hey, man, can we rethink this birthday thing? Because he's like, I'm looking at, I don't know what to get you.
And I'm like, it's stressing me out. and he was like calling me and he was like hey man can we rethink this birthday thing because he's like I'm looking at I don't know what to get you and I'm like it's stressing me out and he's like send me a wish list and I was like a ranch house like it was I was saying like like the price point had to be in the six figures and then I was getting anxiety about his birthday because his birthday is in April and I was like I was like this is ridiculous and so I said why don't't we just make it fun? I go, don't worry about the price.
Price isn't the matter. Just make it fun.
Make it something that will make us laugh. Make it good for the podcast.
And he was like, great. And then he said to me, I got your present.
I think you're going to be so excited. I know you're into history.
Now, everyone knows I'm really into Winston Churchill. Like, he's my guy.
I celebrate Winston Churchill's day every January 24th or 25th. And I live like he did for one day.
I wake up with a soft scotch, a cigar, eggs, toast, coffee, orange juice, jam, fruit, bacon, the whole thing in bed. I stay in bed for about three hours, drinking and smoking.
I'm reading the paper, taking meetings. I had my whole team in there this year.
Three hours. Then I take a bath.
I have some champagne. And I drink all fucking day.
I party my dick off and end the night with another cigar or some brandy. So Leanne bought me like a cool like crystal set to do that with.
Tom's like, he brings out a cup. He goes, for your birthday, I got you this.
And he brings out a cup. I go, this motherfucker got me Winston Churchill's teacup.
I was like, this guy knows me so much better than my wife and he goes grab it and I grab it he's like there's 99% chance that the Fuhrer had drank from this cup happy birthday buddy and I'm like what and he goes yeah that's Hitler's tea cup and I'm like and by the way this is in the middle of Kanye losing his fucking mind this and and i'm holding nazi memorabilia and i can't stop fucking laughing i can't stop fucking laughing and i'm like this is the worst gift ever and he's like but i know you like history i was like motherfucker it's like jesus christ so so the best part of the story though right the best part is my favorite part of the story. So like two weeks later, we've released the podcast.
It's after my birthday. My sister calls me and says, hey, can you drive a skateboard over at my house? I go, yeah, sure.
So I get on my electric bike with a skateboard. I go to ride it by and I got to ride by a synagogue down the street from my house.
And as I do it, my bike dies. My electric bike dies.
I don't know if you ever tried to pedal an electric bike yeah but they go really fucking slow so now i'm pedaling electric bike back past the synagogue and i see a jewish family hasidic jewish orthodox jewish walking towards me they get out of the bike lane and into like where the cars are parked and the dad says uh he says have a great day man and i said you too and he goes i love your shit i said what? And he goes, Bert, I love your shit, man. You make me laugh every day.
Now, we're going slow enough where we can have this conversation. And I get past him and he goes, hey man, Hitler's teacup killed me.
Oh God. Oh God.
And I'm like, what the fuck? So then I get the bike home and I'm like, that did not just happen. That did not just happen.
I get my car. I have to drive the same way to go to my sister's house.
Apparently, Temple's either letting out or going in. And I see another Jewish family about to cross the street.
I'm in a red light. He's at the corner.
He's about to cross. And he sees me, and I'm seeing him look at me.
And I went, like, hey. And he went, like, to his heart, like, I love you.
And I went, oh, thank you. And he goes, you? Teacup? And I went, oh, my God.
So then that night, my next-door neighbor is from Israel, right? So I go over to his house with my dad, with my dad. They have everyone in their family over there.
We're talking 80 Jewish people are there. And all the men are in one place.
We're drinking tequila. My dad comes in.
And my neighbor, Mike, goes, hey, man, you're like going viral, I think. I said, what do you mean? He goes, the two bears thing with you and Tom.
And I was like, oh, Kool-Aid. And he goes, no, no, no.
And now he goes, the teacup. And my dad's like, what's that? I'm like, my dad will not find this funny.
I go, nothing, dad, nothing, dad. And then his sons come over and go, bro, we saw the clip of you with the birthday present at Temple.
Bro, it's going viral. What must have happened, what I'm assuming happened is people saw that clip and read the thing and were possibly getting ready to be outraged.
Right. And they watched it.
And dudes are dudes. Right.
No matter what religion or you're a dude. And if your dude fucks you up, your buddy over, it's hilarious.
And they must have just laughed hysterically at it and then shared it within their community. Yeah.
That's kind of awesome, though, that the Hasidic Orthodox community sees that, and they're in on the joke now. Yeah.
It wasn't about Hitler's teacup. It was that Tom made you hold this to your lips, and then he dropped it on you.
He was like, what the fuck? And here's what's problematic is Tom Segura doesn't give a fuck either way. He doesn't care if it offends people or it doesn't offend people.
It made him laugh. That's the way Tom's fucking broken brain works because I cared.
I was like, I don't want to, you know, whatever. I worry about people and I don't want people to get upset.
But, like, Tom just was like, this is the funniest thing I think. But you don't, like, drink out of it on a daily basis.
No, no, no, no. I have it.
Well, it was pretty problematic in my family. My daughters are pretty woke and my daughters were like, I was like, you're melting it down because it's metal.
She's like, you're melting it down. You're turning it into a butt plug for a gay black porn star i was like i'm taking your phone immediately um and so what i did is uh i bought a bunch of teacups that are similar and so it's like the holy grail i know which one it is but no one else knows so like your daughters are maybe accidentally drinking out of that teacup no no no we have it my podcast studio and uh we'll do like a russian roulette with shots and someone drinks out of hitler's teacup and no one knows who it is tom wouldn't give it to me for a while he wanted it he was like he kept it oh that's that's a problematic yeah and then and then leance because he bought me a statue for my birthday too and he was like can she goes can you send me the statue and they put the teacup in there and i was like oh fuck i thought i was gonna get at Tom's head place.
Yeah. But yeah, yeah.
You're probably like a top five hang. Oh.
I think it's like you, John Daly is probably on that list. Like people that you want to get drunk with.
Yeah. When fights came back, he told me the story about the banana room or banana lounge or whatever it was.
Seems like a wild time. But I would say that for most people, you're on that bucket list.
Like top five dude to just get hammered with. I have a good, I i get that's why i'm lucky when we do fully loaded every year a lot of people are like i'll do it just for the hang like when we pay we pay everyone well but like a lot of people are like the hang's the best part the hang is i'm a good hang i'm a fun hang yeah and i love chaos and i love and i'm good at highlighting when chaos happens like that banana room story is great it's great then when she finger uh anally assaults feidelberg with it with her high heel and then puts it in his mouth great moment but it's even better when e from entourage runs in the fucking room catches a flying dildo hey what's up everybody those fucking moments i live for that i live for that absolutely yeah so so tomorrow or i Saturday, we're going to go on your cooking show.
Yes. If there happen to be mushrooms around, Big Cat and I.
We actually do have mushrooms. Okay, great.
I actually made that request already to. For real? Yeah.
To our producer. Yeah.
Oh, I actually, I know the best mushroom dude in the world. He lives in Arizona.
So yeah, that would be fun.

Oh, yeah, I got you covered.

I got you covered.

That sounds good.

This guy told me one time,

he's a good big golfer too.

He said,

he's like,

if you want mushrooms,

just let me know.

And I was like, sure.

And he gave me like four ounces of mushrooms.

I go, bro, this is a felony.

What the fuck?

You don't give someone a felony.

She's 13. I just got done having sex with a church.
You're like, what the fuck? So yeah, I got the best mushroom guy in the world. Oh, hell yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to hit him up.
I'll hit him up tonight. Okay.
Perfect. I know it's decriminalizing Colorado, so you can go there.
They're having like a big psychedelic convention, I think, this weekend. Aaron Rodgers is going to be the keynote speaker of it out there.
For real? I feel people that actually rogers really doing mushrooms yeah yeah he did ayahuasca he's a drug addict he changed his whole perspective on shit yes i i he needs help but if you're if you're like really into psychedelics i feel like aaron rogers is the last person that you want to hear talking about him no i oh i it's like you might as well get like what if i think trump would actually be a better speaker at a psychedelic convention than aaron rogers let me tell you something right now aaron rogers is one of my one of my favorite hangs because that guy's heavy with secrets oh yeah oh i had he we did secret time on the bus to the point where i was like yo yo, cameras are on, bro. Someone turn the fucking cameras off.

He was great.

You got to get Aaron Rodgers' secret.

I got so many good Aaron Rodgers.

You should tell us just one.

I can't tell you one.

No, I mean, Bert, come on.

I need to change the subject now because I'm counting on his friendship.

Oh, come on.

Just one.

Just one.

No, I can't.

Like a medium secret.

Not one he would get mad about. I can't tell you a medium secret.
I can't. I can't.
I can one. Just one secret.
No, I can't. Like a medium secret.
Not one he would get mad about.

I can't tell you a medium secret.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

Just fucking stop.

Change the subject.

Just one.

Just one.

We can't.

We were all sitting in there like, oh, oh, oh.

Is Aaron Rodgers on truth serum?

He was awesome.

He was awesome. I don't like that.
That's yeah I gotta I love Aaron he's the first he's doing the best thing about being friends with Aaron Rodgers he's the first number in your phone yeah that's true yeah cause it's A-A-R-O-N yeah that's true yeah and so anytime anyone grabs my phone they're like fucking Aaron Rodgers and I was like yeah yeah there it is alright so you gotta do the other shows

so I'll have we'll wrap it up with one last

question how long

do you think you're gonna live

I think about that a lot

I wonder so I don't

have a lot of the issues

that I know dudes that live my lifestyle have

because I work out really hard

I work out I take care

of myself like I'm looking at fucking Shane

Gillis last night right

if he lives to 42 I'll be shocked

I'm out. I take care of myself.
Like I'm looking at fucking Shane Gillis last night, right?

If he lives to 42, I'll be shocked.

He's here.

He's strong.

He's a bull.

Yeah, he is a bull.

But he comes at like at 3 in the morning.

And by the way, I called it early last night.

I got in bed at 1.

Shane gets in bed at 3, stays out.

This morning I'm up at 7 in the fucking morning.

I'm going to do Radio Row.

I'm doing interviews.

He was like,

Thank you. I called it early last night.
I got in bed at 1. Shane gets in bed at 3.
Stays out. This morning, I'm up at 7 in the fucking morning.
I'm going to do Radio Row. I'm doing interviews.
I come back. I have hairstylists coming over to cut everyone's hair.
I got a chiropractor. We're making breakfast.
We're running meetings. We're working on social media shit.
Shane's still in bed. Locked his door.
No! No! I can't! You'll see him. And when he comes, he'll look like a million bucks because I had a hairstylist waiting for him to cut his hair when he woke up.
But dudes like him and Mark Norman, they party, but for some reason, they're rebound. I don't know what it is.
I think if I had to give you a real number, a real number, I got the 50s. 50s, I'll be fine.
I won't have any health problem in my 50s. 60s, I'll have a scare, but it's not going to be a big one.
It'll be like, oh shit, we found a polyp and I'll be like, and then I get it. I'm like, okay, okay, we're fine.
We're fine. Okay.
Um, 70s. I'm going to break something like a hip, you know? Um, I think if I can make it, if I can make it to 77, I think I'll make it to 77 clean.
And I think I'm going to go like from like a shark attack or something. Really? Oh, I'm hoping my death surprises people.
I wanted to, I wanted, I don't want, I definitely, well, I can't, I mean, listen, real honestly, I can't go out from like some like, something where it's partying associated because everyone goes, that's why I don't do coke anymore it's because if you do coke and i put fucking have a heart attack everyone's like we saw that coming right that's why i don't do coke i want to get like attacked by an animal or like a plane crash would be nice yeah someone murdered by my wife i'd be cool as fuck something where they they don't have the obituary ready to go they have to do like a big rewrite yeah do you ever hear the story about marcus garvey no so marcus garvey you know who he is the big uh african-american activist from jamaica in like the 20s and 30s when that shit was not happening in the south at all and he went to new york started they really big in new york he gets he gets fucked by the by jay greg hoover and gets exiled over to the uk his wife leaves him he's 52, right? Wife leaves him, takes the kids in the UK. He's had strokes.
He's an alcoholic. He's not doing well.
Only can't even leave the bed. The only thing he sees every morning is the paper.
And he's reading the paper one morning. Do you know this story? He's reading the paper one morning and he sees Marcus Garvey has died.
And he's like, what the fuck? I'm right here. What are he talking about? Flips the next page.
Marcus Garvey dead as fuck. And he's like, hang on, that can't be right.
Grabs another paper. All the papers report that he's dead.
And then they all start writing op-ed pieces about Marcus Garvey and shitting on him nonstop. Fuck this guy.
Even his friends, his friends who are the biggest activists, he meant nothing to the movement. He was a narcissist.
And he had to read every single one of them for a week. He read every single one of them.
At the end of the week, he fucking died. Oh, God.
Knowing that everyone hated him. And then he died.
No. He died.
Fucking, that's not how I want to go out. Okay, yeah, you can't have that.
That's not how I want to. i want a fucking sailboat accident or something fucking jet ski into a fucking into into like a whale or something where everyone's like whoa way too soon yeah way too soon you know i knew a dude who was cutting his toenails on a glass table and the table broke and he cut his fucking femur artery that's how he died that's how he fucking died like a jackass yeah naked out of the shower bled to death with toenail clippers in his hands oh not me not me i'm not a sucker no no my daughter's killing me that would be cool like a like a wolf yeah fucking great to go out like tristan in legend of the Falls where you and a bear and you know,

oh, I want to save some kids.

That's what I want.

Yeah.

That's what I want.

Hero.

That's how I want to die.

And then just to know, this is how it ends.

Maybe the bear respects you.

Maybe you chip a bear's tooth like you connect one solid punch.

I want to be found dead in a dead bear's grip.

Just me and a dead bear.

Too worthy opponents. Yeah.
And people and people go man wonder who died first

i mean that might happen just with tom yeah that's true bird found dead in a bear's grip

i did not want to die in a car accident with tom and that is how that guy's gonna die

that is how that guy's gonna die he drives like a fucking asshole like a 16 year old asshole but he does the pedals you know the pedals that you never use yeah he fucking uses them D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- drives like a fucking asshole, like a 16-year-old asshole.

He does the pedals.

You know the pedals that you never use?

He fucking uses them.

So last question.

If you do die in a car accident with Tom, if you're in the same car, who gets top billing?

That's a good question.

Oh, man.

Or plane crash.

Plane goes down.

No, no, no, no.

It's car.

Tom and I will never be on the same flight uh i don't know that's a great question because i think you guys would be co-headliners i hope so you i don't know that ever i like i was on a flight with like action bronson like a few years ago and i was like well this goes down this sucks for me oh that's what i love about flying private is I'm the one that they talk about my team is never going to be mentioned I was sitting next to I was sitting next to my cameraman one time on a flight from travel channel and I was it was a bad flight and it was turbulence and I was freaking out and he was like he was like uh what's the matter and I go I'm afraid I'm scared and he goes about what I go that we're going to die and he goes so what and I go dude I haven't done anything with my. I literally haven't done anything with my life.
I haven't lived. And he looks at me, he goes, do you have any idea how fucking insulting that is? I said, what do you mean? He goes, all I've done is film your life.
And you're saying you haven't done shit. Then I really haven't done shit.
I was like, fuck, you need to live. No, I, I, yeah, I would like, uh, I want my death to be shocking.
I want to, I want to go like, no way. Yeah.
You know, I don't want it to be a car accident I want it to be like really like snake bite or something shark would be cool as fuck shark would be cool because it would catch you off guard and then there's a moment you're like oh that's what a shark feels like and then you'd be like whoa that would be that would be great hopefully next time we have you on you're still alive i will be yeah 77 um burt kreischer go see don't don't wait till i'm 77 to have me on again yeah you're right you're right what if i die between now and saturday well what we have to do is we'll wait to release this because that would be awesome for us and will you still do something's burning and just and just sit there and no one talk moment of silence yeah oh that's what i want that's what i want no i want to keep my podcast going but it's called moment of silence and people come on my podcast and they just sit there silent for an hour and then someone's just like that's the show you know it'd be a real shame if you if you died and you had all these secrets about aaron rogers that you never told anybody don't worry i'm gonna i'm gonna record them and put them out posthumously so that i go if you're if you're seeing this right now i'm dead and aaron rogers is fucked i love it i love it all right burth thanks so much thank you guys hey it's r from Trix in the Office. It's officially mini skort season, and Abercrombie has the ones to go out in.
Their Scarlet Mini is a classic. It's one of those skirts that fits the outfit vibe for any plans.
And I'm excited to style their new Sienna skort. It's a little more flirty, and it's perfect for a date night.
Make plans to go out in abercrombie shop their newest

arrivals in store and online uh before we do lottery ball breaking moves breaking moves

new york times bestseller on the way

so it's a post i'll let you guess pft said decide to start writing my book on

Thank you. on the way.
So it's a post. I'll let you guess.

PFT said, decide to start writing my book on

lessons learned in business and baseball.

And then it's just a blank page. It says book

on the top.

That's A-Rod. That is A-Rod.

Watch out. New York Times bestseller.
We're on

our way. His Google

doc is titled book? Yeah.

That rocks. Yeah.
Also, he's got the...

No, it's not a Google Doc. It's just a piece of paper.

Okay, nice. He's got the hot dogs out.

Yeah, he's got the hot dogs out. Big time.

Big time. So get excited.

I, for one, am looking forward

to Alex Rodriguez's business

advice. What's the first thing you do when you start writing

a book? Steroids. Write book.
And then

take a picture. Yeah, you write

a book on the top so everyone knows the book is coming. Yeah, exactly.
All right. Numbers.
Hank, have you ever gotten this? Nope. 69.
No, no, no. Check the tape.
69. Yeah, please do check the tape.
Check the tape. What are you doing? I won.
I won. 1, 2, 3.
I won. No, you didn't.
Yes, I did. Check the tape.
18. Oh, man.
I can see right here, actually. Let's put up two votes.
You can see the levels. PFT's come and start earlier.
No, no, no. Look, I want second eyes on that.
It's going to hit this time. Check the tape, Billy.
Check the tape, Billy. 99.
Check the tape. Who got it? Okay, we'll split it.
Yeah, I got it. Billy, no, he got it.
Billy's been working on those throat muscles for chugging all week. He got it.
His mouth is tired. He didn't get it out fast enough.
Please buy the tickets. What's your number? 96.
96. 20.
This is our first in-person one in like three weeks. 17.
I could really use this. Why? You don't have the money? No, I got it.
I got it. I got it.
17.

What was your guess, Hank?

99 for JJ.

If he betrayed me and it's 17.

I'm back.

44.

You're never getting it. That was close.

That was close.

You're never getting it.

It was two of the same number.

You're never getting it.

That's the Syracuse number.

I should have picked it out this weekend.

Yeah.

I can't go away from it.

Shout out Obama.

Love you guys.

Killer whales used to help whalers hunt other whales by the law of the tongue.

Whereas if you gave them the tongue, the killer whales would help the whalers kill the whales.

It's actually really cool.

Cool. Cool.
The girl came away. I don't know what to say.
I'll say it anyway. Today is another day to find you shying away.
I'll be coming for your lover, Kate. I'll be coming for your lover, Kate.
I'll be coming for your lover, Kate. Take on me.
Take on me. Take me.
Take on me. I'll be gone You're the only one Needless to say I've all decided But I'll be so let it wait It's now I'm learning that life is okay Stay after me Thank you.
Take me up. Take me up.
I'll give you your love.

Take me up.

Take me up.

Take me up.

Take me up.

I'll give you your love.