Brand New 3 Hour Dungeons and Dragons With Timm Woods and Nick Turani

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, we're going back into the world of Dungeons & Dragons. We've been promising all the listeners that we would do this post-football season.
So we are on vacation, but we pre-taped this. It's an incredible episode.
we have our good friend Nick Turrani with us

and we're going to post football season. So we are on vacation, but we pre tape this.

It's an incredible episode.

We have our good friend,

Nick Terrani with us, and we're going to go deep into the mind of Tim woods.

It's also a fresh new adventure.

So if you missed the other ones,

don't worry.

You can just listen to this one,

uh,

straight through and go tune in on the YouTube as well,

because we have some incredible graphics. We, we did this one in front of the green screen.
It's an awesome, awesome episode. Rated T for team.
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Okay, let's go.

Fight!

Fight! Okay, let's go. No place to hang out or washin' And then I can't lay all on the sun Oh no We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Oh we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Welcome to Pardon My Take Today is Friday, February 17th, and we are on vacation, but we have a great Dungeons & Dragons episode for the people.
It's an awesome, awesome episode. It's brand new adventure, so if you missed the last ones, you won't miss anything.
You can hop right into this one, and we also taped it in front of the green screen, so go to the Pardon My take youtube to get all the effects it was very very fun we have our friend nick tirani back with us and it's going to be a great great experience so get excited let's go into the world of tim woods and dungeon and dragons okay we are back with another episode of dungeongeons & Dragons. It is a packed house.
So Tim is here, our wonderful friend. And what is the exact one? He's a Dungeon Master.
Dungeon Master. Absolutely.
To set the stage for people who are listening on the podcast, we're in the green screen room. So if you want to go watch the YouTube, this is an episode episode you should absolutely watch the YouTube but also still listen to the podcast so we get the downloads but go watch it on the part of my take YouTube so in the room we have Hank, Jake, PFT Tim, myself, Billy, Nick and with that Tim it's your show absolutely 100%.
It is so good to have everyone here. The full adventuring party is assembled right now.
And we are going to be doing a very special adventure today. I assume we'll be starting with a fresh, brand-new adventure.
And this adventure is the adventure that I have been running for Pardon My Take fans, for the award-winning listeners. I've been running this adventure for them ever since our last show.
I've broken this adventure, The Sunless Citadel, out because it is the adventure that came out when I first started playing D&D. It's maybe my favorite adventure.
But there's at least 100 alls out there who have played this adventure with me. Did I say that right? The AWLs.
AWLs, absolutely. I think you just changed the whole game.
I think they're awls now. Absolutely, 100%.
I was thinking like owls or something. So wait, you've been running it for our real-life fans of the show.
Absolutely. When they reach out to me, this is the adventure that especially the award-winning listeners get.
So there's at least 100 of them out there who have played this adventure with me who, no judgment, we're going to continue to do whatever we want to do in this adventure, but be aware the fans will be judging you guys because they've finished this adventure many times. When they play this adventure, do they take on our characters? No, no, no.
They take on their own characters. I just want to say, those hundred people, you fucking rock.
Those are the diehard, those are the elite of the elite. Those are the SEAL Team 6 of all.

The filthy few.

It's like the 1%ers of Hell's Angels.

Those people are incredible.

A shout out to all the award-winning listeners who have gotten to play the Sunless Citadel.

I think they're going to really, really enjoy this adventure.

I love it.

So, Tim, I was noticing when you put your mug down,

you have your own Dungeon Master coffee mug.

Very impressive. This mug is brought to us by Maid Studio Dice and Dark Crystal Corner.
This is my Dungeon Mastering mug right here. I think we're going to have to bleep that because we promote a competitor.
We do the Dungeons & Dragons mugs. The Android's Dungeon, I think.
They're our sponsor. So what are your stats on there? My stats are accents 20, which is kind of a big exaggeration there.
Patience 20, I stand by that. Imagination 20, absolutely.
Improvisation 20, yeah, we'll give it that. Acting 20, no.
Storytelling 20, yes. Humility 20.
Yes, I appreciate it. Being just a fucking cool-ass dude, 100.
Absolutely. And excitement to be here is 100 right now.
Yes, it is. Absolutely.
All right, so let's show the Sunless Citadel? Absolutely. The adventure is the Sunless Citadel.
And what all of our characters know is that we have currently gathered at the village of Oakhurst. Oakhurst is a village kind of on the edge of the forest and a land known as the Barrens, where it is said that once upon a time, dragons burned the countryside.
The Pine Barrens. Absolutely, 100%.
And we are getting information about the ancient temple that once sunk into a ravine when dragons created a massive ravine canyon in the Barrens. And we do think that as we are getting information about this location, I'd probably say it's our old mentor and good friend, Sir O, who is probably telling us the most about this location.
He's saying, well, a long time ago, it used to be a dragon cultist created this temple. They built it, stand strong over the years.
Dragons destroyed the temple, got pretty angry at them, sunk down into the ravine. Hence the name Sunless Citadel.
No sun reaches the bottom of the ravine, but the temple, they say it's still intact. Say it's still full of treasure, full of ancient magic.
Think you should go check it out. Worst of all, there's monsters coming out of the Sunless Citadel now.
We got to watch out for that. Always got to watch out.
So he's letting us know that it's not just that the Sunless Citadel has opportunities for magic, which Cake in particular may be interested in, as well as Ehrlich the Warlock. That is Hank and Jake.
Jake is Cake. Jake is Ehrlich.
I think that before we start, we should, because for the people listening that might not see how we're dressed up, we should explain our character names and what we're wearing. Oh, okay idea absolutely thanks hank i'm arlick the warlock i'm dressed like a wizard yeah i'm cake the wizard i am also dressed as a wizard i am wayne the hill dwarf bard level five i'm dressed as kid rock i am norm the human barbarian i'm dressed as hulk hogan i Hulk smashing people.
Yes. I'm Berserker Billy, and I'm a war priest.
And also, Berserker Billy doesn't have a real axe. So for people listening, they're like, oh, he sounds pretty badass.
He must have a real axe in his hand. He does not.
Wasn't this supposed to be your axe? The tiny little hatchet. That's a's a little hatchet.
A little bit of a hatchet for twigs.

I know that people will think they're like, oh, he must have a ton of weapons on him.

He doesn't have any.

Well, also, before we got started, he had a giant stick that was awesome.

But then using his tiny hatchet, he accidentally destroyed his giant stick.

He popped his giant stick.

It was a bonk stick.

I was going to have a bonk stick.

So if you're sizing us up, Billy would definitely be the first person you'd go after. Yeah, that's right.
I'm Greg, G-R-E-G, human paladin, and I did not wear a costume today. Yeah, that's your Tuesday.
Hey, Tim, is Sir O by himself, or does he have maybe a hot blonde girlfriend? He has a hot blonde girlfriend with him right now absolutely yeah he's doing pretty well absolutely he's he's a hero within the city he uh within the village of okurst he comes into town and they just throw feasts for him constantly and uh he has he's a lot of good things going for him right now yeah cool so so we're seeing a big giant valley with no sun absolutely it looks like maybe it might be ripe for magic. Definitely.
There's definitely magic to be found here.

There's definitely treasure to be found here that is no doubt luring in the rest of the adventurers. And Saro is letting us know that while he's busy, needed here in Oakhurst, kind of having a good time, relaxing, there are monsters that have been attacking the countryside, scuttling little plant creatures that seem to feed on the blood of the livestock.
This is where a paladin like Greg with two G's might be like worried about what is happening to the local innocents. It seems like these blights, these plant creatures have moved on from attacking livestock to attacking people and children who are left out or lost in the woods nearby.
It seems like they're coming from the sunless citadel. So that's the main reason Coach O is asking us to go to this ravine, climb down, and try to explore the Sunless Citadel and find where these blights are coming from.
Okay. Who amongst us has good perception? Who would be a good person to check this out? That's a great call.
If you look at your sheets, you'll notice that under skills, some of us may have a perception skill, perhaps. And I go ahead and say the adventure really begins when we get to the edge of this ravine.
We can see down into the darkness the spires of this fallen temple of the dragon priests. And if anybody has good perception, I'd let you go first and try to make a perception check.
I'm dumb. I'm plus one.
I have persuasion? I have a plus three of perception. Plus three on perception.
Cake, you could go first, and if you do, you could make a perception check. That would be a d20 plus three, it sounds like, to whatever you get there, to see if you notice anything down in the routine.
I think with perception, he'd be better at gambling. You'd definitely notice if someone's trying to cheat you at gambling.
He'd be able to spy what they're doing with their hands. Plus three.
Thirteen, plus three. Thirteen, plus three.
You are noticing that there is, first of all, a big standing stone next to this ravine with conveniently a rope tied around it. The rope drops 50 feet down into the ravine, and you can just barely tell that it lands on a sort of balcony that once upon a time would have stuck out of a tower and given a beautiful vantage point.
But now the balcony is sunk down into the rubble, that it is basically at the same level as all the rubble down in the ravine. But you could climb down 50 feet of rope and land on the balcony and there is sort of a sealed wooden door leading into a tower this would have been one of the tallest towers now it's one of the few towers that still pokes out of the rubble but it is a good way into the sunless citadel they say other people have tried to go into the sunless citadel but nobody has returned this is apparently a sign of other people who have come through.
Sounds like a challenge. Never made it.
Sounds like... I'm willing to take that challenge.
Yeah, sounds like a challenge, Tim. Now, Cake, since you got a good look at this, I would say that you could still do a move on your turn.
You've done your action so far. You have your move and your bonus action.
You could use your move to be the first to climb down the rope. But with your 16, you can tell that we need to roll a d20 plus our athletics, if anybody has that, or strength bonus, if you don't have athletics.
And you need to get a 10 or higher because this rope is not well knotted. It's a little old.
It's a little weathered at this point. It's like gym class.
Do you want to be the first to try this? I'll highlight as a wizard, you're not the strongest physical person. We knew that, but I'm willing to take one for the team.

Oh, wow.

Absolutely.

That's dangerous.

In that case, I'm going to ask,

since I know you don't have athletics,

what is your strength modifier?

I think.

Maybe I didn't put that on your sheet.

I happen to know it is a minus one.

So I'm going to need you to roll a D20 minus one. You can walk right into that one.
And try to get a ten or higher. I apologize.
I wanted you to tell me, and then I could be like, oh, sorry. Sam, I believe it's a minus one.
You are, unfortunately, rolling a D20 minus one. So you need an 11 or higher on this to avoid any damage.
Here we go. 55%.
Let's go. Four.
And that's a three total. is that right? Or did you roll a five? I rolled a four.
A four. So you end up with a three.
I am sorry to say that you climb about halfway down, and then you slip and fall a good 20 feet down, and that is going to be seven points of damage coming your way, Kate. How's my shoulder doing?

You landed right on your shoulder,

I'm sorry to say. Boom.
And you kind of tried to roll with it a little bit, but

unfortunately took a full seven damage there.

If we leave him there, he just dies?

He's not unconscious yet, right?

How many hit points do you have, Kate?

I was asking a question. If we leave you there,

do you die? How many hit points

do you have at the top of your sheet? Health points, 27. 27? You're fine right now.
You've got 20 left. So we probably have to attack him to kill him.
If you were trying to kill him, somebody would need to attack him. Is he the only one in the ravine right now? He has fallen into the ravine now.
And worst of all, you... Can we just go the other way? Can we take the road? Is there ditching? there you could leave you can absolutely ditch your teammate 100 nobody has to go into the sunless citadel works for me we'll never take a risk again cake the worst part of your situation right now is in addition to having to get up off the ground with your bonus action now your turn ends and you can hear in the rubble around you scuttling of creatures that are

moving around. That sounds scary.
We should maybe

not go there? You think that

maybe with these plant creatures that attack

people, if they're not hungry, they won't attack

us, so why don't we just feed them a meal?

It doesn't seem like when they've eaten

they just leave.

Do you like dessert?

I will go ahead and

roll just to see if they happen to be going next. Luckily they are not going next.
They're going to go last in initiative, whatever they are. But who would like to go next? In theory, Cake has finished his turn.
These plant creatures, they're animals? We think that these plant creatures that have been attacking people are not animals because it seems like they are just animated plants that crawl around kind of like face huggers a little bit. People have been calling them blights.
And when they have gotten killed, the only animal-like thing about them is that human and animal blood that they are storing up like mosquitoes comes pouring out of their bodies. What if we shot ZDT all over the place? Would Jake survive that? Unfortunately, we don't have any kind of plant killer or anything like that.
Agent Orange? There's a druid in our number, maybe. but no, we don't have any kind of like plant killer or anything like that.

Agent Orange?

There's a druid in our number, maybe, but no, we don't have nature magic.

Roundup?

Are these animal plant things?

It's like beyond meat.

It's like they're animals, but they're not.

So Billy would probably really enjoy eating them.

Absolutely.

You do think that they are something like in between plant and animal life, maybe, or

maybe even something stranger. Can we send Billy down there to eat them? I will go down to save Jake.
And eat them. Eat them.
Also, because you're hungry. Thank you, Billy.
Okay, I'm going to go down. I'll go down.
Well, I'll go down and save Jake. Go down and crush a salad, bro.
Absolutely. Can we smoke them? Can you smoke the plant creatures? Oh, no one has tried that yet.
We're going to smoke these fucking plants. Absolutely, you can try.
100%. Yes.
I will say anybody who wants to have one of those absolutely can. Or a pipe.
You certainly have a wooden pipe or something like that. Okay, a giant pipe.
Absolutely. Who amongst our characters would be most into just hitting some nasty, nasty headies? Probably the bard.
Oh, baby. Well, I guess if I have to, I'll go.

Or the Wizard and Warlock.

I'm sure they got magical powers somehow.

He's old.

He smokes like a shake.

That's totally fair.

I'll go try to smoke these guys.

Absolutely.

100%.

So you want to try to climb down next?

Is that right?

Billy, you just said that.

You don't even smoke, dude.

No, it's cool.

I don't burn.

I don't.

You don't.

It's true.

Yeah, I'll go smoke these guys. I'm not burnt.
Like, I just get tweaked out sometimes. I'm not other stuff.
Yeah, you don't want Billy to smoke these guys. He'll get anxiety.
Can you smoke these guys? Ruin everybody's afternoon. I don't know.
Just weed's too strong. You can certainly try.
Okay, so how do I go down there? To climb down, you would need to make an athletics check, and I do think that you have a plus one in your strength. You don't have the athletics skill, unfortunately, but you can roll a d20 plus one and try to get a 10 or higher.
I get a nine. A nine? And is that before the plus one or after the plus one? It's just a straight nine.
It was a nine on the die. Is that right? So with a plus one, that's a ten.
And that means just barely you climb down with no issues. Your move is done.
You land right next to Cake. And you take no damage.
You can hear the scuttling of creatures in the rubble around you. And you can see straight ahead.
There's a tower poking out of the rubble with a door. You could just run for the door, open it up, and jump inside.
You could help cake up if you want, or you could try to do something to these scuttling creatures. Can I try to light these creatures on fire, but then blow them into Jake's ear and get Jake high? Yeah, you could try that.
Can I just ask, on your next sheet, what spells do you have available? Oh, sorry, right there. Minor Illusion, Vicious Mockery.
Let's say you have a Firebolt spell that you'd be able to fire at them. I think that you could, and with the cake pointing out where the nearest scuttling is, you can roll a d20 plus 5 to see if you can hit one of these creatures with a Firebolt.
I only get a 3. A 3 plus 5 is not going to be enough with an 8.
You launch a Bolt of Fire in the direction of this plant creature, and you think you see a sort of spidery branch-like leg reach out of the rubble and then pull itself back as the fire hits the rock. But you do know this thing hates fire, whatever it is.
It tried to avoid that fire very badly. Now, that's your action and your move.
You still have your bonus action, and what you can do with that is try to inspire somebody or do a healing word to heal somebody. Okay, I don't want to heal Jake.
I'd like to inspire Billy to come down and smoke with me because it was his idea. This is like a lone survivor situation.
We're all going to end up in this hole. I have a fireball spell that I think might be useful.
You have a fireball spell? Is that right?

Yeah, incinerate your enemies and expose them.

So that is unfortunately actually on Ehrlich.

That's literally crossed out. That's more X than X, actually.

It's literally crossed out.

Now, as a cleric, Billy, I want to highlight a couple of things.

You have cleric spells available to you, such as Guiding Bolt can zap a creature,

and Sacred Flame can burn a creature up.

Oh, Sacred Flame.

However, Billy, when we last saw your character. I heard Billy would tell an easily disprovable lie it's also so clear that tim was trying to be you know uh trying to print double-sided and so i have all of uh wayne pft stuff on my crossed out everybody does have somebody else's sheet kind of on their cross out oh yeah it's much there.
Yeah, I've got Norman the Barbarian. If you just ignore the cross out portions, I definitely printed double sided here.
Sacred Flame, though. Sacred Flame would absolutely work here.
Plus, it ignores cover because the flame is guided by Kavaki, your Goliath god. Now, here's the one other thing about your character, though, Billy.
When we last saw Billy's character, if we recall from many episodes ago, Billy had been rescued, quote-unquote, from the nine hells. He had been trapped in the body of the mighty devil known as the Chemist after having a one-on-one fight with him.

Billy, I'm going to say that you're still in the body of the chemist right now

as a little crang face poking out of this guy's chest.

But you and the chemist have worked out a situation

where he lets you use the body a certain amount of time.

And then when it's his turn,

you kind of got to go on quests that he wants you to go on.

But because of that,

I'm not taking away the extra level that you have gotten as a villain of this campaign. Who knows if you'll end up using it against everybody here, but currently you're level six right now.
And you can use your athletics to try to climb down to the others. I'm going to be honest, not feeling too villainous today.
I want to help us win. How do do we win absolutely you think following your team down into the ravine and helping them out with these creatures or at least from the top of the ravine throwing fire down at these creatures is a great way to help it's like guided fire right so i i can no friendly fire exactly right it is guided by your god if you're using Sacred Flame, it's going to hit one of

these creatures, and I need to roll a

saving throw. You don't need to roll anything.
I need

to roll bad on this to see

if the creature gets hit, because it's guided

by your god. I only rolled...

Are you supposed to roll? That is the way you're

supposed to do it. I was actually trying to remind myself

to do it, because I saw I was rolling the wrong way.

You toss it in the top

here, and it rolls the die for you.

And luckily for us, I only rolled

a total of a four

I'm sorry. to do it because I saw I was rolling the wrong way.
You toss it in the top here and it rolls the die for you. And luckily for us, I only rolled a total of a four the creature has failed its saving throw.
As you send your sacred flame down, you see like an eight-legged little spidery creature like a facehugger scuttling around with branches and twigs poking out of its body gets hit by your flame for 2d8 damage. So really, if you find the die that sort of looks like two pyramids stuck together, yeah, just roll that one, honestly.
Just one? That one right there, one time, absolutely, yeah. Cool.
It's stuck. Oh, that can happen, I guess.
I don't really use dice towers traditionally. You know what? That white die right in front of you, the one with the other white die, sorry.
The one that kind of looks like a crystal, like quartz white. It's hiding from you.
It's hiding from you around the corner. There you go.
You just touched it. That's the D8 right there.
Bingo. Did it also get stuck? Is that good? Let me just get it.
Five. Five.
Okay. Five points of damage is exactly what you needed.
The blight incinerates, and the other blights are going to roll to see if they're scared of you now. The other blights are scared.
They begin scattering into the rubble around here. Well done, Billy.
Billy, that's your action. You still have your move and your bonus if you would like to do anything else on your turn.
You're still at the top of the ravine. You can climb down with your move if you wanted.
Okay. I think we've got to do a group decision.
How are we dealing with this hole? We going down? I think all the boys need to climb in this hole. Yeah.
You want to get in the hole? Let's get in there. Let's see if all the boys can fit in one hole.
I'll come in your hole. I'll go in the back.
Are we all going in the hole? Yeah. Okay.
I'm going to go in the hole. I'm in the hole right now, and I tell you, it's awesome.
You're really good. Are you getting fumes? It's a little tight, but you're going to love it.
All right. Can it fit all of us? Yeah, I think so.
I think the hole has naturally got elasticity. I'm pretty big.
I'm a barbarian. Yeah, that's fine.
Okay. The ravine is miles long and at least 100 feet wide.

Can they lotion themselves up before they jump in?

Make sure there's enough room?

You certainly could, but that might make it harder to climb. Spin on the hole first?

We all have protection, so we can handle it.

Yeah, that's true.

Not me, though.

You're a raw dog in the hole?

Yeah, I'm clean, though.

This hole does have a rope coming out of it.

Oh, yeah.

There's a red river going down through it. Get your red wings.
Okay, let's go in the hole. A lot of blood.
Let's get in that hole. A lot of blood.
And you can roll an athletics check, Billy, to climb down into this hole. The Fertile Crescent.
Which one is that? The D20. Big guns right there.
If you care to risk rolling him, that big die is a D20. I don't know if he fits.
Let's do it. 13.
13, absolutely, and I believe you said you have a plus four in athletics or something like that. Six.
Plus six with an 18. It says I have a plus seven.
That is currently true right now. Yeah, when you level up, you might be...
Billy, you could eventually get it as good athletics, but you don't have as good athletics as the barbarian right now. But with your roll, you are able to climb down.
No problem. You land down there, and with your bonus action, I would let you and anybody else in the hole observe the one blight that is burning up before your eyes and fumes are wafting off of it.

Is there anything you want to do with a bonus action or anybody in the hole wants to do as a reaction regarding the burning blight?

If we start smelling this burning bush, you might have a religious experience.

It might give us insight as to why we're down there.

And then lose in week 18 to the lions when they have nothing to play for? Yeah. Okay.
Billy, do you go over and you try to inhale some of the smoke coming off these blights? Only if my boys do it with me. Okay.
Jake's down. Jake's down.
Anybody who's going over to inhale the smoke coming off the blights, please roll a d20. Don't worry about adding anything.
Just tell me what you get on the dot. I'm actually kind of a cop.
I might arrest Billy. I'll just roll regular.
18. 18.
Absolutely. You start to have a transcendental experience.
But, Kate, I'm also going to need you to roll a constitution saving throw. You're inhaling so much of the fumes that it might make you sick.
Please roll one more d20. That's why I don't do drugs.
Ten. Okay, with a ten, that's enough that you don't get the poison condition.
You are not, like, delirious or loopy or anything. Instead, you have a vision of a massive tree.
A tree that is growing underground. And then you see in that vision a branch get broken off that tree.
And there is a mysterious cloaked figure handing the branch to a mighty goblin-looking creature covered with fur. With all these other little goblins around him.
The goblin creature, you think it's a bugbear, a big hairy goblinoid, takes the branch, plants it, and it begins growing and multiplying, again underground, and blights begin popping out of the ground where he planted that branch. And then you come out of that vision.
But that is what you experienced, Cake. Did anybody else try to roll for their vision? Go ahead, Billy.
All right. Which one do I roll again? That would be a D20.
You can roll big guns again. 19.
Oh, Billy, you got even more of a vision. You're getting the same vision that Cake is getting, but you're going to get one extra detail.
Was there anything about what I said to Cake that you were curious about learning more about in that vision? So in that vision, is it sort of coming from reality? That it could be a possibility? Is there a multiplying blights going on down the cave? You think you are seeing the history of these blights. They came from one big tree, but one of the branches was broken off that tree and given to some goblins.
Wait, your insight that you wanted to know was like, for real? Yeah. For realsies.
Okay. His follow-up was, yeah, should we call an ambulance?

I feel like I'm tripping.

I am going to count that as your follow-up, I do think.

Yeah.

So you have an understanding now that we're not just getting a vision.

It's the history of what happened to these plants.

That's pretty important.

All right.

So it seems like at some point there was a tree planted, and then all these blights came from it.

So I think we've got to kill this fucking tree.

We've got to chop the tree.

That worked in Avatar, right? But remember, this is history, not the future. Tree might still be there.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's a tree. I would imagine the tree is still there.
Yeah, so wait. What are you suggesting that we do? Quit? If we kill the tree...
It sounds too difficult. But Billy, what if the tree doesn't produce the blights anymore, but if we kill it, they all die.
I'm thinking that, but also what if it's

we chop down the tree and they multiply by

a thousand? I guess that could be

one way it could go. Honestly, I wish I asked

that in my spirit journey.

For real, it was your stone.

I'll say this. You do, when you

see the tree, get one

word from your god, Kavaki,

in your mind. He is the god of

competition and conquest, and in your mind he is the god of competition and conquest

and in your mind he just when you

see the tree he says one word

conquer oh

we gotta fucking chop that tree down

that tree's ours that is your turn who would like

to go next I'll go

absolutely Ehrlich

unfortunately you are at the top of

the ravine right now and I don't

think you have athletics is that right that is

correct and unfortunately you have a d20

plus zero on this what's his

Thank you. Unfortunately, you are at the top of the ravine right now And I don't think you have athletics Is that right? That is correct And unfortunately, you have a D20 plus zero What's his troll number? Troll number? Yeah, does he have a troll number plus like six on troll? He has a deception skill, absolutely For tricking other characters or his own group Big guy knows about that No, I don't You four for ten.
D20? D20 plus zero for your athletics. Five.
Five. I'm sorry to say you are also going to be plummeting 20 feet to the ground and having to get yourself back up.
It's going to be ten points of damage coming your way, Erlich. Erlich, what are your hit points normally? 38.
38. You're doing okay.
You're down to 28 left. And you hit the ground.
You managed to stand back up with your bonus action. The blight has already burned up, so the bowl has already been cashed in this particular respect, and you do still have your action.
You have not cast any spells or anything yet. You think the blights are scattering? There's a door up ahead that goes deeper into the sunless Citadel, and your team is around you, but you don't have any healing magic.

I do have investigation plus five.

I feel like I'd want to find some more out about how

we can take down this tree.

Absolutely. Now, investigation

might not tell you about the tree.

That would be history, if you want to roll that.

I do have history plus five.

Absolutely. Roll a history plus five, because that's

actually a free action. You can do that, and still investigate to look around for clues in your physical area.
D20? D20 plus five. I'll try this.
It doesn't work. It's stuck.
How do you do it? I think it's got to maybe tilt it forward a little bit. Hey, come on.
Yeah, that's actually. 17.
Great number. And that's 4 of the plus 5, right? Yeah.
Okay, with the 22, you know what this tree is that they're seeing in their visions. First of all, there's a reason blights drink blood.
Because they have descended from a kind of undead known as a vampire, of course. They are a creature created by a particular tree known as the Golthias tree.
Golthias was a vampire who once a long time ago lived in this land and a group of adventurers came through and killed him. But there was somebody who didn't realize that when they staked the vampire, they staked him with a living stake.
It was still green and it grew over the vampire's body into a tree known as the gulthias tree the gulthias tree can have branches broken off of it and planted and they create more and more blights to spread throughout the region and gather blood to bring back to the tree okay it sounds like they so if they bring blood to this tree, it sounds like that tree is pretty important to them to keep alive. Yeah, we've got to kill this tree.
It is sort of a hive mind, you think. Yeah, we've got to go after the fucking tree.
And you can roll, if you want to use your action, you can roll investigation to look around for clues around you, or you can just go straight for the door and open up the door. And if you have one more question about the Gullthias.
No, let's go look for clues. Let's be safe.
Absolutely. Roll an investigation check.
That would be a two. Two.
I'm sorry to say you look around for clues around this balcony, on the door, on the tower. You do not see any clues worth noting, unfortunately.
But Ehrlich, good turn. Plus five.
Plus five, so you rolled a two plus five. Seven does not get you anything, unfortunately.
That's right. But you look around and you don't see any immediate danger, it appears.
But do you share that information with your team that you learned about the tree? Of course. Just making sure.
Nice guy. Absolutely.
Nice guy. I feel like we've done a lot of snooping around, and we're kind of dancing around the issue instead of using brute force.
Can we just try to smash the wall down and go inside? Because I feel like the tree is probably deep inside this ravine. You could smash the wall down.
There's also a door to go into this tower if you want to use the door. I think we should smash the door open.
You want me to smash? You want me to go small and smash? Because Big Cat, I think, is the strongest and most athletic out of anybody, right? By far. So I think we should just brute force this ravine.
Yeah. You can certainly use athletics to smash this door open.
I'm ready to get in. I'm going to need you to first roll one athletics roll just to climb down the rope.
Okay, all right. And then your second athletics roll.
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And them out at 800-300-9ERC. Okay, can I roll on yours or is that not allowed? You can certainly roll on mine 100%.
Which one am I rolling? This die has been very lucky in the past. Oh! This one.
So what is this roll for again? This is to climb down the rope. All you need is to climb it higher on this one.
Oh, it's underneath here. Oh, wait.
Let's do it again. Ready? Alright.
Now, seven plus, what's your athletics bonus? Seven. What's yours again? Six.
I'm seven. I'm seven.
Seven, so you're higher than athletics. I'm higher than him, yeah.
And so with a 14, you absolutely have climbed down the rope. No problem.
No problem. And then do you just rush to the door to smash it open? I think I've got to smash this door.
As you rush to the door, I am sorry to say that you hear below your feet, Norm, a click as a trap door. Oh, no! Cone swinging open.
I'm going to need you to roll a d20 to see if you can avoid the trapdoor. What do I need? You need a 15 or higher on this.
But because you are a barbarian, you have advantage due to something called danger sense. Your danger senses kick in.
Okay. You get to roll two times and take the higher number and you have a plus two on this.
Twelve. Twelve.
That is a thirteen. Thirteen! Yes! With a thirteen plus two, that's a fifteen.
Just barely, you're able to jump to safety. Do you jump towards the door or do you jump away? Where are my bros at? Your bros are actually away from the door.
But you guys want me to go through this door, right? I think so, yeah. All right, I'll go through the door.
You smash through the door, avoiding the pit trap. You see, the pit was full of, like, bones behind you.
And when you smash the door, you end up in an empty room filled with bodies. There are goblin corpses in this large circular room.
There is a door across the circular

room from us, and you can see that

two of the goblins lay dead on the ground.

One goblin has been impaled

by a spear into

the wall, and you think you notice

some writing on the wall

behind that goblin. Did he die

with a spear or of a spear? Died

from the spear. So what, alright.

Impaled into him, pinning him to the wall. Not very smart.
Should I smash the next door? Should I just keep smashing doors? You could, and that would be the end of your turn, but you could smash the next door. You guys want me to smash this next door? It's Bubba the Sponges.
Yeah, we might as well just keep going through doors, right? Yeah. We have to take them down eventually.
Right. All right.
I'll smash through this door as well. Roll one more d20 to smash through the last door as your bonus action.
Just a 10 or higher on this. That was such a jinx.
How do we do? Yeah, I got a two. Two plus five.
You slam into the door, I am sorry to say. Now, actually, I'll give you a reprieve on this.
Do you rage before slamming into the door? Why don't you ask him that first? I always have rage. How often can I use my rage? Because you're going to need the rage for the tree.
You do get to rage I believe three times per day. Should I rage guys? Yeah just rage.
You rebound off the door initially I will say that makes it an enemy to you and that allows you to rage against it. You can roll one more time now.
I need to get ten or higher. Rage.
This fucking thing. Here, I'm just gonna roll it straight.
Ready? Eighteen! Eighteen plus seven absolutely wrecks this door, sends pieces of it flying throughout the room.

The room beyond, you see there is a dragon altar.

You better not be another door, Tim.

Not another door, no worries.

I mean, there are in this room more doors, but there's other things in this room.

You're seeing an altar with dragon statues on it.

They look valuable.

They look like they're carved out of jade. And you notice that next to the altar, there is a bench where someone would sit next to this altar, but there is someone under the altar, a small child-sized creature with a blanket wrapped around him.
And before you knock the door down, you think he was, like, sobbing or crying. Oh, no.
Oh, no. Poor Meepo.
And just as you heard poor Meepo, you smash the door open, send pieces of it flying, and this creature looks up at you, and you can tell it is a small lizard creature known as a kobold. Kobolds are small lizard creatures that claim to have descended from dragons.
He looks up in terror at you, Norm. Do you say anything to him? He's probably afraid that Billy's going to fuck it.
Yeah. No, dude.
My bro's not going to do this. How old is this cobalt? Are you thinking this is a great-a-grown situation? Let's not do that.
Well, you don't know what state we're in. Fuck.
Can I sit on that bench like the Popeyes meme and just take a load off from all these doors I've been smashing? You absolutely can. I'm going to just chill for a minute.
You go and sit down, no doubt wiped out because you're seeing that there's actually out of this room two different doors you can choose. One door behind the altar.
So many doors. One on the right-hand side that is studded with arrows.
You notice arrows coming from the other side that have burst through this door. And then one other thing that you couldn't see initially, but when you sit down on the bench, you can now see in this room, there is a huge cage.
Okay. That has had the doors of it ripped off, it seems.
All right, yeah. So I'm going to chill.
I'm going to wait for my boys to come. And you guys can now walk through those doors, and then we'll figure it out.
100%. Okay.
And that will bring us, finally, to Greg with two Gs. Greg, what would you like to do? I'm at the top of the ravine still.
You are at the top of the ravine right now. I'm going to go grab a bite.
Absolutely. Head back to town.
Where's Coach O? Where's Sorrell at? Sorrell is chilling. He's having a great life right now.
No, I'm going to jump down there. Absolutely.
I don't know my athletics, though. Now, when you say jump, are you? Oh, no, I'm going to use the rope.
You're using the rope, 100%. Your athletics, I believe, would be a plus three if you don't have an athletics.
Oh, sorry, under skills, do you have athletics? I don't. Then just a plus three for your strength in that case.
My religion is plus four. Can I say a quick prayer? uh say a quick roll as a bonus action you say a quick prayer roll a religion check first if you do well on this you'll get advantage what should i roll that'd be a d20 plus four 10 10 plus four 14 19 oh that's an important difference right there with a 19 plus four That's a 23.
Your God gives you advantage.

Now, I do want to say, I think we established at the end of last adventure that your god is the god of havoc and madness and mayhem. What's his name again? Cyric was your god's name.
And so go ahead and roll two times, and he says, get in there and just make a mess. 18? So far, so good.
And 15. Okay, so you didn't even need the advantage with the 18 plus three for your athletics.
You climbed down no problem. And because you're the only person here who got a 20 or higher on their rope climbing check, you climb down the quickest and you can get the furthest.
You can easily scoot around the pit trap, end up in the goblin room with the dead goblins, and then you can even get through that room to where a norm is at the moment and still have your action. Well, I would like to tap Cake and heal him because he only has 20 health.
What a good guy. Absolutely.
You can use your action to heal him. You have a pool.
Do you believe in God? Yeah. In game.
Which God? Yeah, what God? I don't know. Everyone will get me better.
I want you to convert to my religion. What is that? I praise the God of Havoc.
Oh, no. In.
Oh, yes. I love it.
You convert to the God of Havoc, Sir Siric And you give him healing in return That's right And how much healing did you need? You needed 7 damage, I believe is what you had So you have a pool of 25 healing points that you can give You don't even use up your full pool You have still, out of 25, 18 of your healing left And you can heal, assuming you want to heal him for all the damage that he's taken. Sure, yeah, yeah.
Boom. So, Cake, you are back up to full hit points.
You're the best. Thank you.
And that is your action, Greg. And you can end up in the room with Norm at the end of your turn, in theory.
So you used up a little bit of healing action. Come hang, bro.
Do you want me to? Yeah, come sit on this lap. I want to sit on his lap.

Absolutely.

You see the little kobold look up at the two grown men sitting on the bench above him.

And he goes, who are you?

Who are you?

You be friends with Meepo?

Can we just advance interrogation of this guy?

He definitely knows stuff.

Does anybody have bamboo shoots?

I've got Zone of Truth

where I could... He's not allowed to lie.

I think still

Greg still has moves

left. Greg, you got

into the room, but you used up your action.

You have your bonus action. If you want to say

one thing to Meepo with that, you certainly

could. Otherwise, it is Cake's turn.

Next.

I'm kind of shy.

I'm not going to say it. Meepo looks at me.
Oh, damn. Who are you? And Cake, you can hear this little kobold up ahead, and you see a room full of dead goblins and a pit trap that you now are no longer worried about because you can get around it easily.
Let's attack that trap. Attack the trap? It is a pit trap that is open with bones at the bottom.
You do notice that the bottom. Where there are bones.
They look like goblin bones. Maybe some other creatures bones.
And you think one humanoid with a backpack down there. But nothing to attack.
In that trap per se. Don't trust a guy with a backpack.
No, dude. Spring break? There's always a gun in it.
Dude's walking around with backpacks. You don't want to get in a fight with him.
No. So let's go look at the backpack.
Yeah, let's keep going. You want to keep going into the dungeon or climb down into the pit trap? Into the trap.
You're climbing into the pit trap. Wait, is that where we're at? They continued on past the dead goblin room into the room with the dragon altar and the kobold jake is seeing a bunch of dead bodies down below and he's like i want to go stand down there and see what happened to them give him cpr is that what you'd like to do yes okay you can climb down that's a d20 minus one to climb down but again all you need is a 10 to take no damage, and you're only risking 10 feet.
14. 14! You climb down, no problem.
You get down there, and you can tell that a lot of goblins have died in this pit trap. You think one or two kobolds have also died in this pit trap, but based on what you're seeing, you think kobolds made this pit trap.
That's why more goblins have died in here and less kobolds. But there is one human adventurer with a backpack who died down here.
You can try to loot all these bodies with an investigation check if you want. I do have a plus seven investigation.
Seven. Absolutely roll a d20 plus seven.
See what you can find down here. Four.
With a four plus seven. All you find is this guy's money that he had in his backpack.
But you are finding a total of nine gold pieces in this backpack. So, so far, you're in the lead for treasure found cake.
You found nine gold pieces and a dagger, I'll say. You gather up all those, and with the end of your turn, you could climb out of this pit trap if you want or you could do other stuff down here.

Has Jake agreed to take, steal the gold off the person's body? Did you take that money?

Oh, off the dead body?

I mean, you're in a mass grave right now and you're stealing all this stuff.

And you are part of the religion of havoc.

Can I give the money to Greg for repaying after saving me?

You certainly could, yes.

I want him to have it.

100%.

Nice.

That actually counts as your raise this year. Okay.
The in-game currency. Fuck.
Kate, go ahead and roll. Why does this always happen? Roll a d20 minus one just to see if you climb out of the pit trap and get to Greg.
Four again. Four again.
I'm sorry to say, Kate. You try to climb out of the pit trap.
It does not go so well. And because you didn't get a six or higher, you, in fact, take damage when you slip back into the pit trap.
It's five more damage. I'm sorry to say, Cake.
So he's back in the pit trap? He's back in a pit trap now. He's really slowing us down.
Yeah, so Tim, give us just a quick reset. Greg and I are through two doors sitting in a room.
Ehrlich and Wayne and Berserker Billy are back on the balcony and then Cake is in a pit trap. They saw him try to climb back out of the pit trap he climbed into and saw him slip back down.
100%. Absolutely.
And Cake, good turn. That is going to bring us to Wayne's turn next.
And Wayne, I will remind us all, you and Ehrlich are the two who are very persuasive in this group. Also, Greg is a paladin.
All of you are good at getting information out. We've got to talk to Meepo.
I've got to interrogate this little fuck. He seems like he knows something.
100%. So I'm going to go into the room where Greg and Norm are hanging out.
Pass by the dead goblins. I'm going to pass by the dead goblins.
Because I feel like we got caught. No, no, no.
You guys stay in the lap. Stay in the lap.
It's part of the interrogation strategy. I'll also just remind the three of you that in the room, no one has claimed these beautiful jade dragon statues.
I'll claim those. Scoop, scoop, scoop.
Yeah, I'll claim those. You think those are, as a set, worth like 200 gold pieces? That's a lot.
And what was your raise? Two pieces? It was seven pieces. Oh, damn.
I didn't even get it. Nine and he hasn't gotten it.
I didn't get the raise. I'll take the jade dragons.
That sounds good. Scoop them up.
While I'm there. You throw them into your bag.
And then I would like to use Zone of Truth. Oh, yes.
To interrogate Meepo. I'd like to strap him onto a board.
Okay, absolutely. And then I've got, do I have any water on me? You do have water, yes.
Dragon board. Yeah, I'd like to dragon board him.
Absolutely. You start to dragon board him.
Also, I'm going to take some of the jade dragons, because I'm sure he liked some sort of worship thing. I'm going to act like I'm going to smash him if he doesn't tell me the truth.
100%. Meepo is crying out, I knew this would happen.
And you're like, really? This specifically? And he actually does seem to think he would end up on this altar. He thinks he's getting sacrificed.
You throw him on the altar. You start to pour water on his face.
And when you cast Zone of Truth, he gets a saving throw to see if he can resist this spell that would otherwise prevent him from lying. It's like the Geneva Convention that he's trying to invoke here? Because you're pouring water on his face, I'm going to give him disadvantage.
Yes, with disadvantage, he is failing, and now Meepo cannot lie to you. Go ahead and roll with advantage 2d20s, and you'll be adding your persuasion or intimidation that's a 20

that's a natural 20 hell yes natural 20 i will tell you everything i'll tell you everything and you know he can't lie right now he will answer no fewer than five questions you might have right now while you are water dragon boarding yes dragon boarding um so i guess question number one is are we in danger?

He says, yes, yes!

And he points first at the door with arrows in it. And he says, that way to Goblin Town.
This no folks land between Goblin Town. And he points at the other door and Kobold Village.
Meepo kicked out of Kobold Village. So he in dangerous place.
Now you are too. He points again at the door to Goblin Town.
Lots of goblins up there. Very dangerous, very mean, awful people.
They took Meepo's best friend. And then he points at the cage when he says that.
Meepo's definitely a sex feather. Question number two.
For real? For real. Absolutely.
For real. and you know he was not capable of lying all of that is 100% true get a future gambling pick out of him question number three who's going to win the NCAA tournament who's he like I'll give him some options does he like like Tennessee? Does he like Auburn?

Does he like UCLA or Alabama?

Alabama, he says. This guy's problematic.

Well, I think I know what happened to his friend.

Yep.

So question number four.

Question number four should be,

does he think that we have the ability to just go into Goblin Town and destroy everything? He looks at you and he goes, if anyone can, you guys can. But, but it's not just goblins.
Their leader is a mighty bug bear, Clark. Clark rules over goblins with iron fist.
He has hobgoblins with him. And you know hobgoblins are like, there's goblins, there's hobgoblins, and then bugbears are the strongest.
But hobgoblins are maybe the smartest. And then he says, and they have creatures.
Creatures that they are using against my people, the kobolds. Blights.
They are growing them in goblin town. Be very careful if you go there.
But you also tell And then he blurts out I want you to go there Oh And he tries to cover up his mouth Because he just revealed Because of your spell That he really is hoping You would go there And if you die Or the Goblins die He's happy either way Okay Question Question number five Is this five? This would number five. Can you ask him if Hank's ever gotten the lottery ball correct? Oh.
Never. Never.
Oh, no. Damn.
He doesn't even know how he knew that. It's just the truth was in his body, and it came bursting out, like liar, liar style.
He's just like, no. And he's like, how did I know that? That sucks.
Never. That was a good never.
Never. Just screamed it.
And it echoed almost like as the spell. The spell is still running right now, but his eyes glowed and the words echoed.
Yeah. All right, cool.
And that is your action interview. Well, your bonus and your action because your action was casting the spell.
Your bonus was interrogating, and your move was getting there. So, Wayne, that is your turn.
And, Billy, that is going to bring us to your turn next. Quick question.
Are we doing revenue share on the treasure we find? That's such a good question. Wait, what do you say, we? This isn't socialism.
I'm just saying, like, are we working as a group and splitting it? Or is it like going to dinner?

Yeah.

There is often an adventuring contract of some kind that adventurers set up beforehand with their party.

I believe it's finders keepers.

Yeah, you forgot to sign the contract.

We all did.

I want representation.

Okay.

We can find that for you.

Mr. Portnoy.

Okay, so sounds like the Blights are coming from the Goblin Town.

Sounds like...

So can I ask Cobalt?

No, we kind of got all the information we needed.

I think there's probably a lot of...

I actually think PFC wasted like three questions.

No, we needed to know the answer.

Yeah, we got a future,

and we also found out you'd never gotten the lottery ball.

And also, for real.

I think that was a pretty successful turn.

Well, there are some questions that are left unanswered,

because it sounded like he lied to us about why we're going to go there.

He wanted us to go to Goblin Town.

He said there was a bad goblin.

I think maybe we need to find out if Goblin Town contains that tree that we need to kill.

But that tree, do they have weapons of mass destruction? But they probably also have resources. We got to find out where this fucking tree is, though.
Yeah, I think it's in Goblin Town, because that's what they're reproducing the blight with. If only we had a few more questions to ask.
There's definitely blight in Goblin Town. Okay.
We need to go. All right, so you just want to say fuck and roll? Yeah, yeah.
The trees in Goblin Town plus probably riches. We got to go find this weapon of mass destruction.
Let's roll. This is like our Iraq.
I like it. How do we know the tree is there? There's actually tons of Iraq allegories here.
Yeah. Is that on purpose? No.
Let's go to Goblin Town. Yeah.
You absolutely can start leading the way to Goblin Town. Berserker Billy, as you get closer to the door to Goblin Town, Meepo does scream out, be careful! Other side of that door! Long hallway and pew pew pew pew! And he motions Goblin shooting at you.
They have guns? Unclear. We took axes to a gunfight?

Yeah, but remember, we're good guys with guns.

Okay.

Yeah, that's right.

The only thing that can stop them.

So I want to stand away from the door and probably kind of use sacred flame again.

Do I got that in me?

You absolutely could.

Right now, it doesn't go through doors, but if you kind of like go up to the door, open it up, and step away, you can throw a sacred flame through the door. Okay.
Is the doors open? The door isn't open yet. Can I breach it? You can.
This door is not locked, so you can open up this door, no problem, as a bonus action, and then still have your action to throw a sacred flame. Try the handle, yeah.
Yeah, try the handle, and if I can open it, shoot the fire down the hallway. Billy, are you going to push or pull the door? There were handles, but you were smashing through them.
Really, I was just counting the movement more than the actual smashing through the doors. You certainly can get to the door of the Goblin Town.
You see all these arrows, like fighting has happened across this doorway on numerous occasions. You open up the door, and at first all you see is a long 30 foot hallway another door at the end with a low wall stacked right in front of that doorway uh it's almost like an irish shepherd's wall someone just piled up rocks that sort of spilled down until they were high enough that they come up maybe a little more than waist high to you.
You don't see any goblins. Then you see little hats start appearing on the other side of that wall.
And one goblin woman with goggles on kind of looks over the wall and goes, and she points and three other goblins begin leveling crossbows in your direction. They are about to all fire at youerker billy but you get to do sacred flame first unless you are running away instead of doing sacred flame i'm busting 100 i will roll the saving throw are you aiming there's one goblin with scars all over his face one goblin with an eye patch the one in the lead who seems to have goggles and then one other guy with sort of of a skull cap on.
Who are you aiming for? Who's pulled out their crossbow first? The one with the skull cap actually pulled out his crossbow first. Josie Wales, skull cap.
Absolutely. This guy pulls out his crossbow the quickest, and you aim for him.
I am sorry to say, he just rolled a 19 on his saving throw. He avoidsids your sacred flame even though it ignored the cover and kind of went over the wall to kind of dunk on him he dove out of the way at the very last moment i'm sorry to say and billy that means that as he jumps out of the way four attacks are going to be coming your way the first of the first two one them is a 17.
Berserker Billy, can I ask, what's your armor class? My armor class is... I have 45 health points.
45 health points. Your armor class will be 16, so I'm sorry to say that that guy is just barely going to be hitting you with his 17.
Then with the next two attacks, those are both going to just barely be hits. Billy, you are taking from the first attack, six points of damage.
The second attack, eight points of damage. That's 14 so far, plus five is going to be 19 points of damage, Billy.
Billy, what are your hit points normally? My damage is, I don't know. Your hit points are at the very top.
Sorry, you had just told me that. Oh, 45? 45, so you have taken 19 points of damage.
You're down to like 26 left, absolutely. Unfortunately, you got walloped pretty bad by those three shots.
You got jacked up. One arrow sunk into your shoulder and the other two kind of grazed along your side.
Now, wait, how much does he have left? 25? He's got 25 left. 26.
Or 26 left, you're absolutely right. So would that be like he's pretty close to dying? He's not halfway down yet, but he's close to halfway down at this point.
Maybe just one good punch? Yeah,? Yeah, probably one or two attacks. I want to make sure that I'm defending in case anyone tries to punch you, bro.
That'll bring us from... I don't want you to die.
Now, Billy, to be fair, this did make me think of this, you have a bonus action, and you do have a healing spell, a healing word you can do as a bonus action. Did you want to heal anybody as a bonus action? Could I...
In my bonus action, can I roll out of the way? Because I think I'm still in front of the door. You know what? Yes, you could.
You could take cover as a bonus action behind the door, and that would give you plus five to your armor class going forward. If you're a coward.
Don't be a coward. Your bonus action is to hide.
My healing, right? Now I understand why you're not the strongest warrior. Somebody heal up.
Your healing spells are way better than your medicine skill. Your medicine skill can only ever heal one hit point.
Your healing spells can heal a lot more. I'm going to go healing spell and just stay in the line of fire for now.
What level of healing spell would you like to do? First level, second level, or third level? I'm going to go the best level. Third level, absolutely.
Then I'm going to ask you to grab one of these pyramids, the D4s, roll three of them, and add it all up. The D4? Bro, you didn't have to waste all that healing.
We weren't going to do anything. D4.
Well, we still got to load back up. Yeah, no.
It's right under your sheet, it looks like. You got one of these pyramids.
All right, here we go. It is a...
How do I read this? It's the number on top. Number on top is always going to be the same whichever way you rotate it.
This is a tricky one. You rolled a one and you acted like you didn't know how to read it.
Oh, you rolled a one. You got a one.
How do I read this? You rolled a one, Tim. Tim, you rolled a one.
How do you read this? You rolled a one. If you rotated around, you'll notice the number on top is always the same number.
You rolled a one. You rolled a one.
I don't know how to read this. All right, so you rolled a one.
So I guess the first one might have been a one. That's a one.
That is definitely a one. And you get to roll one more time.
That was actually a second roll of a one. Second roll.
It's a three. A three.
Okay. So we got one, one, and three.
That's five so far. Then we get to add your wisdom bonus, which is plus three.
So that's eight points of healing. Billy, you're not up to full.
You still have 11 points of damage on you.

So you're not as badly

hurt as you were before, and you've used

up one of your third level

spell slots.

Rather precious,

you only have one other of those.

The decision to either

get hurt in a fictional

game or admit to your homies you don't know how to read numbers. It's the one that's on top.
Can't read numbers. My paint was all chipped off.
This is a weird dice. All right, let's go, Ehrlich.
Come on, Hank. Now, where is Ehrlich? He's not with us yet, right? He is not there yet He can run into the room with Meepo He can even run into the room with Meepo and start firing at the goblins or do something else in regards to Meepo or in the previous rooms Someone used Meepo as a human shield You could do that He doesn't provide much of a shield because he is so tiny but you can absolutely do that I'll clean up PFT scraps and go to Meepo and try to get some actual answers out of him.

Absolutely, 100%.

You can use either persuasion, deception, or intimidate in order to try to interact with Meepo.

Whichever skill is best.

Let's intimidate him.

Absolutely.

You're just bullying him because he spoke truth.

What?

You're just mad at Meepo because he told the truth.

I was talking too.

They were mad at him because he told the truth. Hank.
You're being a vicious person right now. I couldn't hear you.
PFT was talking. What did you say? You're going to roll two times on the D20 and whichever roll is better, you will take that and add your intimidation skill bones.
Can't read this. It's an eight.
It's an eight? I read just fine. That's a 1.
You wrote a 1. So I think the higher the 2, that's the 8 in that case.
And what's your persuasion or intimidation skill bone? My intimidation... Oh, this is cake.
Wait. This is mine.
My intimidation is plus six.

Plus six, absolutely.

With an eight plus six, that's a 14.

Meepo is going to answer two questions of yours right now with a 14.

How many enemies are in the village?

And he asks, the kobold village or goblin town?

These people are the kobolds.

This is still the first question but uh how many enemies

are in goblin town at goblin town absolutely

he says four

behind that wall which we are

and we can see like as bizarre really turns

we can see all the arrows sticking out of his chest

you knew how many people? yeah it was four

and then he says in goblin

town and he points beyond the door

of this like guard post basically

he says

at least this many

goblins and he holds up eight

I'm sorry. town and he points beyond the door of this like guard post basically he says at least this many goblins and he holds up eight fingers and then he says two hobgoblins and one clarg plus old goblin wise goblin ask him if I give them information on my crew if they'll take me in.
Will the goblins take you in? Interesting. He says, goblins love traitors.
And, you know, he didn't want to say that. He wanted to say, like, no, don't betray.
Like, I hate the goblins. Don't side with them.
But he had to answer honestly. And he said, goblins love traitors.
anyone who betrays their team to defect over the goblins. Don't side with them.
But he had to answer honestly. And he said goblins love traitors.
Anyone who betrays their team to defect over the goblins will be welcomed. Oh, okay.
No, I mean, I'm just trying to get all the information. No, good question.
I'm not going to do that. That's a really good question.
That's your second question. Then he also just says one more thing.
They have my friend, and I don't know what they did to him. And that was in addition to what goblins are in that room up ahead.
He's got an agenda. He's trying to get us into a bad situation.
You should go hang with him. Sounds fun.
Now, that's your move and your bonus action. You could use your action to try to ask him more questions with another intimidate check, or you could fire a spell at the enemies, or you could do something else.
I gonna i want to go catch up with my team they don't you know absolutely 100 you catch up with your team with your action okay and then that will bring us from erlich's turn to norm's turn next okay so we'll take another break for an ad and my turn will come right after that dungeon and dragons brought to you by our friends at Chevy. Football season is officially over,

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In theory. I'm not going to do it, Billy.
I'm asking just so I know, so that when we see an enemy, we know how to defend ourselves. You roll a d20 plus 5 when you attack, and you need to get a 16 to hit him.
So as long as you get... That would kill him? Well, that wouldn't kill him.
But you would deal... Let's see.
He has 11 damage on him now. He has maybe 30-something left, and each of your attacks deals 2d6 plus 5 damage.
So conceivably, if you hit with both of your two attacks, you could knock him. Okay, that's good to know.
I just wanted to know. I wanted to see how my bro's doing.
I'm not going to do it. What do you guys want me to do? Can I go through? Let's run up on this village, bro.
Yeah, I'm down. We have to get through those first four, though.
Yeah, but they're easy. They just got lucky.
Why'd you hide from them? Can I heal? Can I heal, Billy? If I had healing powers, I would heal you. Unfortunately, I don't.
Can we just talk about something real quick? When we go to this village, fuck it up, and there's a treasure, how are we splitting it? I don't like these questions. Billy's trying to install CBA.
I'm I'm just wondering why are we going to go and fight these dudes? Well, we could, you know, right now we split it six ways. If we took one out, we could split it five ways.
Well, wouldn't it be smart to take out the traitor? Yeah. You guys don't know that.
You're already a traitor. Yeah.
I was just asking questions. Same as you.
Well, just keep an eye on it. What are because what are your special abilities at the bottom? my special abilities I have advantage on dexterity saving throws and That was what say danger sense and reckless attack reckless attack lets you go advantage on attack rolls But then enemies get advantage on their attack rolls against you.
What should I do? What do you guys think? Do you want me to keep going forward? How about this? Is there a way where using his strength, he can pick up Billy and then throw Billy at the enemies and then use him as a weapon? Billy is incredibly heavy, but if anyone can pick him up and throw him, it would be the barbarian. Because that way, okay, you take him out, and then if one survives, then Billy's closest to him, and they'll just go after Billy Are you moving this, Billy? You want me to use you like a bowling ball? Do I get an attack turn once I get there? You would get to attack on your turn.
All that he would accomplish is not giving you an attack Instead, he could throw you and potentially deal damage to an enemy by hitting you into them. If he rolls bad, then you're the one who takes the damage.
So I would basically get you closer, and we could also fuck him up. It would get you closer.
Do you want me to try it or no? Are we going to full send this village? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I got your back. No, we have to.
We got your back. Big time.
I'm down, but like. Can I throw Billy into the village, and then can I follow him into the village? Because I want to show him that I got his back.
I'm going to be there for him. 100%.
You can use your move to follow after. Okay, all right.
So I'll throw you and then you and I will be in there together. Okay.
The cat's definitely going to follow. Yeah.
Just want some fair compensation once we're in the village. Okay, you keep saying that.
I just... Like, why are we doing that? No, no, no.
It sounds like you're already trying to hold out. This is the Lufthansa heist.
Okay, let's go. You just gotta eliminate a few people and we get more money.
You raged last turn, Norm, so actually you're still raging right now, and this is an athletics check, so you have advantage on it due to raging. You can roll 2d20s and add plus seven to whichever one's better.
Looks like neither is good. Neither is good, I'm sorry to say.
With a 13 as the higher of the two rolls, you send Billy over the wall. He does smash onto the ground between the goblins, but he does not land on any of the goblins.
However, he is right next to them. So this whole plan's out the window.
Did he get hurt? He did take roll 1d6 damage against Berserker Billy. Yeah, I'd say if 13 is just enough, you take three points of damage.
Damn it. Oh, that backfired.
And that's back up to 14 damage on Berserker Billy. Okay.
I want to follow him. I'm going to follow him.
You follow him after him. I'm going to be with my guy.
I want to be by his side. And you actually, I'm going to say that only ate up one of your two attacks.
So if you run in after the goblins, you can still swing your greatsword against one of these goblins to help out Berserker Billy. All right, let's take out some fucking goblins.
You charge down the hallway. Now, am I reckless right now? So if I miss the goblins, it could possibly hit someone else? It may potentially hit someone else if you go reckless 100%.
I'll be safe. I'll be safe.
Absolutely. As you charge in to reach the wall that the goblins were crouched behind and now berserker billy is laying behind i do

have to inform you that that is when norm you hear beneath your feet another click as the pit trap opens up again which you threw berserker billy over to be fair it's kind of helped him out uh but i'm gonna need you to roll again with advantage uh and get a 15 or higher to make that you avoid this second pit trap.

You absolutely do with the plus two at 21 you eat. again with advantage and get a 15 or higher to make sure that you avoid this second pit trap

you absolutely do with a plus two at 21 you easily having already recognized the sound of pit traps jump over this one land amongst the goblins and you can swing and if you're going reckless you You can roll two D20s and take the higher number.

All right.

19 plus five is a 24.

You absolutely swam. 2d20s and take the higher number 19 plus 5 is a 24 you absolutely swing at one of the goblins roll 2d6 plus 5 but it's really just to see how much damage you get yeah with 7 plus 5 12 points of damage you just cleave one of the goblins in half sending pieces of goblins flying through the air blood spl across Billy and the other goblins.
So me and Billy are, so I kind of saved Billy's life. You kind of, I suppose, did.
I kind of saved his life because he was out there with the goblins if I had gone through the trap door. But I have great awareness.
So, yeah, I saved your life. Make it up for a hospital pass.
Okay, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, we got you. Yeah, no, that's true.
That's fair. Absolutely.
There are still three goblins left, but they're alone with you and Billy now at this point.

Okay, we can take them.

And Greg, that will bring us to you next.

What would you like to do?

Is Cake still in that hole?

Cake is still back in the other pit trap right now.

Save his life again.

Trying to climb out.

Double convert him.

You're starting to get a little sus.

No, I'm dropping lotion down in the hole.

Okay.

Absolutely.

And then I'm going to go to the goblins. I'm near you guys.
Alright. Squat up.
Yeah, I'd like to throw a javelin at one. Absolutely.
You can easily get to the goblin hallway and throw a javelin over the pit trap. Did Nick get high? Or sorry, did Greg get high earlier? Because if you throw a javelin I was outside high.
I was outside of the hole. It could be really bad.
I don't. I'm just making sure.
Greg, you didn't take in a whiff of the, I don't think you were down there. I wasn't down there.
Right? Maybe a lot of show will be happy to know. You're not down there.
No, no. That would potentially have made you poisoned, which would be disadvantaged on javelin throws.
But you're doing okay right now. It would be a D20 plus five to see if you can hit a goblin with a javelin.
Though I'll say that it doesn't really make a difference if you get in melee because your damage with the javelin will probably be enough. Four.
Four plus five is a nine. You send the javelin in the goblin's direction, but it just clatters off the wall behind them.
However, you're a paladin, you get two attacks. So you can send another javelin in their direction right now, or you can close the difference, get around the pit trap, and get where Norm and Billy are and try to swing with your sword, whichever you prefer.
It looks a little crowded over there. It is a little crowded.
Yeah, I'm gonna throw another javelin. You throw another javelin.
D20 plus 5. 15.
15 plus 5 is a 20. That is absolutely a hit against the Goblins.
Let's go, Greg. You get the one with the goggles right through the shoulder.
Go ahead and roll a D6 plus 3 against this Goblin. Come on, Greg.
That would be the cube-shaped die. 1.
Oh, no! With a D6 plus 3, you get it right through the goblin's shoulder. Four points of damage bloodies her.
She's more than halfway down, but she has three hit points left. I didn't know it was a chick.
She hits the ground and then rips the javelin out and drops it to the ground. She tries to break it, but she can't.
It's too big, and then she throws it away, and hisses at you. Can those be picked up? Those can be picked up again.
Now, was that like the doctor is the mother kind of thing? Were we being misogynistic, assuming the goblins were men? No, no, not necessarily. Three of them seem to be men.
The leader of this particular squad of guards is a female goblin goblin. We assumed the leader was a man.

Yeah, we did.

She popped out first.

You need a man leader.

She poked her head out first, but the one with the skullcap

did draw his crossbow first.

She was kind of the leader like fire.

Can we invite her on to token CEO?

She seems like she's in charge of the whole situation.

Yeah, boss bitch.

She's the boss of this guard.

She's like the girl from the SBF story. Yeah.
Like down in the Bahamas. She's got the goggles.
Looking good. 100%.
Yeah. And Greg, that is your action and your move to get over to there.
I can't think of anything you would do with your bonus action unless you want to shout a question to Meepo or shout something to someone else. No.
No, I'm going to be pretty stoic. Absolutely.
Stand your ground. That will bring us to Cake next.
All right, let's go Cake. You're hanging back right now in the pit trap.
The others are racing ahead. You do need to climb out of the pit trap still, and that would be a D20 minus one.
Actually, I want to ask Cake why the fuck he did that. Yeah.
I wanted to take one for the team. I wanted to explore.
I have another hypothetical, and this has nothing to do with Cake's turn right now. In Dungeons & Dragons, can you kill yourself? You absolutely can if you want to.
If you're like the weak link stuck in a pit? Yeah. In theory, it doesn't make your situation better, but you could.
Okay, you could. I just – that's on the table.
Cake, I also would just make sure – I don't think under your spells you have, like, Levitate or Feather Fall or any of those spells. But if you do, feel free to make use of one of those.
Nah, okay, just making sure. But you can try to climb out with a D20 minus one.
All right, what do I want here? You want a ten or higher to climb out of this pit. Here we go, here we go, here we go.
20! 20! Absolutely! Not only do you climb out of the pit with no damage, you are able to race to catch up to the group no problem with a critical hit. So you use your move to get up, back to the group, and then you have your bonus and your action.
What would you like to do with those? You could cast a spell in the direction of the goblins. You could do whatever you want.
Yeah, I want to cast a spell and say, see ya. Absolutely.
What spell are you thinking of? Magic Missile can hit more than one goblin, but only for little hits, but they're guaranteed to hit. You might have other spells like Chromatic Orb is one big cannon, but only against one creature.
Any other attackings? What about the Thunderclap? Thunderclap is fun! You need to run up to where the goblins are, but I'd say with your critical hit you can do that, and then sort of like in Skyrim, the Fusrodar, you clap your hand or shout, and everybody within 15 feet of you, now that's everybody within 15 feet of you, goes flying backward and takes damage. You'd definitely hit the three goblins, but you'd have to hit either Billy or Norm.
Or Greg, right? Greg actually held back in two javelins, so he is not a target. But in order to hit all three goblins, you have to hit one of those two.

Just do it, Jake.

Scared money don't make money.

It deals 2d8 damage

unless you cast at a higher level.

How does Cake Thunderclap?

What does he do?

I always imagine clapping your hand or shouting,

but it can be whatever you want it to be.

You can clap whatever you want.

Cake is for a reason. Just back it up real quick.
So is there a way I can do this without hitting my friends? Well, hold on. I am just remembering that you are an evoker wizard, and evoker wizards have a special power, I think I wrote it down for you, where you can shield, you can shape your spell around your teammates, and that means you can avoid the other two.
And essentially, like, the blast goes out, but it moves around Norm and Billy. If you choose to prevent it from hitting them.
I would like to do that. Absolutely.
Then you shape the spell around them. I'll remember this.
He's using his butt. He's twerking his fat ass.
He's twerk cousins. What does it look like when you thunder wave? Show us for the video.
Okay. I'll show you guys.
Oh, God. For the awls.
Do you hold your legs? This is TikTok gold. Okay.
Yeah. Here, you want me? Here, I'll lift your...
There we go. There we go.
Ready? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, here we go.
Go. Oh! A blast of thunder.
Yeah. Issues fourth.
I'm going to ask, are you casting it at level one, level two, or level three?

Level three.

Level, okay, level three.

I will say these goblins do not look that strong.

You could do it with maybe a level one.

Level one, then.

Level one, okay.

So you're going to roll two D8s against these goblins.

So if you see this die in front of you, that's the D8.

Bingo. You're going to roll that two times.
All right, here we go and take both numbers added up Five five so far is a great start One one five damage or sorry six damage total sends all three goblins Oh, actually I got to roll their saving throws first goblin's injured already, she fails a saving throw, smashes against the wall after having pulled the javelin out, and she is dead. You've taken out two of the goblins so far.
Then the next goblin fails his saving throw, takes six points of damage, smashes off the wall, but he has one hit point left. He falls to the ground.
He's holding his head, and he's trying to stand up again And the other one also actually if they smashed off the wall roll 1d6. They each have one hit point left.
So 1d6 is going to finish them off as you hit them into the door. So with one more point of damage they bounce off the door and fall dead to the ground.
You killed all three of them and you saved your friends. That's the good news.
That's big. I'm so happy you didn't kill yourself.
That ass. The bad news is...
You still can. Yes.
Right. Sounds like you want me to.
No. I said you still can.
Now, Cake, the only bad news is that the way that you managed to finish off those goblins was because you sent them hurtling back when they failed their saving throw. So they took extra damage bouncing off the wall, but also bouncing off the door.
And I'm going to roll to see if the goblins heard. They did.
And they're heading towards the door. Now they're going to go right after Billy's next turn.
So, Cake, you just saved the team. All the goblin guards are dead, but all the goblins of Goblin Town are about to open up the door to see who just knocked, quote-unquote.
And, Wayne, that's going to bring us to you next. What would you like to do? So, I can do a couple things here.
I can change my appearance to look like someone else, right? Yes, you absolutely could, 100%. So, I was thinking...
Woman goblin. Well, no, she's dead.
Oh. Yeah, but pretend to be her.
No, she's dead. That's right.
Nobody would ever believe... Hide the bodies and you could pretend to be her.
But she's a goblin guard. She is.
Oh, she was in charge of the four guards. Yeah, but she's not even that high.
I was thinking I changed myself to be like that vampire with the tree. Like the main, the tree guy.
The tree vampire. Yeah, the tree vampire.
Oh, you did get the briefest glimpse, really more of a description from Ehrlich of what this vampire would have looked like. Yeah.
Okay. Can I change myself to look like this guy? Can you change yourself to look like the vampire Golthias? Golthias.
Okay, so I want to change my entire body to look like Golthias. You are this sort of very goth, black-robed, pale figure with long black hair.
Got it. Tony Dungy.
Okay, yeah. So I changed myself.
I look like that guy. And now I'm walking through the door.
And I'm hoping that they lead me to the main area where all the shit goes down. Interesting.
Isn't that going to be where the other guy is? Shut up, Billy. He's dead, right? Wait.

Galthias?

No.

This is a good idea, Billy.

I'm just saying, like, you're going to walk in.

It's going to be Spider-Man meme.

Just saying.

Well, then I'll be like, I'm the real one.

Well, you think that Galthias got turned into a tree.

Yeah, yeah. So he should just be entombed in a tree somewhere.

Yeah, so they're going to think I'm Jesus.

Sweet.

Because he's already ascended up or whatever.

Now I'm coming back.

Oh, we should have enslaved the whole town. Yeah.
Through religious manipulation. All right, so I'm returning Jesus.
Wayne, you use your action to disguise yourself as this kind of like Criss Angel type dude. You come busting through the door just as the goblins, eight of them, are looking in your direction, heading towards the door.
and you can see that inside this massive cavern that must be Goblin Town,

there's sort of some walls that had been part of the original structure that remained intact, and the goblins kind of turned it into a sort of improvised fort. You can see there's a campfire burning inside that fort and emerging from out of that fort is the massive bugbear covered with fur,

Klarg, and his two hobgoblin guards walking on either side they're pulling out longbows and as you open the door they freeze they start to draw their longbows Clark freezes and lifts up this massive hammer against you and he looks in your direction angrily, but his eyes start to widen, and he says, who are you? Go ahead and roll deception with advantage. What is your deception skill, Bugs? Pretty good.
Plus eight. Plus eight.
Absolutely. Roll two times and take the higher number.
Five. Five so far is not great.
Oh, pretty good plus eight yeah is going to wait wait wait i'm sorry it's a 12 it's a 12 okay that's still the i'm sorry better roll so with a plus eight that's a 20 total with a 20 total i'm gonna roll first for the bugbear to see how much he believes this he got a two on his insight check he is going to be believing whatever you say the hobgoblins rolled a critical hit they're looking at each other and they're much smarter than clark though they're not as tough as him and they're getting immediately suspicious of you the goblins themselves have disadvantage and listen to whatever clark says so they are also going to be believing whatever you say. What are you saying to all the goblins of Goblin Town? Uh, I have returned.
Oh! I have returned. That sounded badass.
You are the vampire Gothias? My name is Gothias! He's like clutching his heart in fear. He's stumbling backwards.
How you you, what you do? We are, we grow blights! And he points to the left of the goblin fortress, and you do see a sort of farm that the goblins have created with plants growing out of them. It's a grow house, yeah.
It is a grow house. Then you notice on the right-hand side of the fort a creature with a chain wrapped around its neck, and that chain is wrapped around a massive wooden post that has been driven into the ground.
It seems like this creature has leathery wings folded over its head, and it is snoozing until just now it has woken up and its serpentine eyes open and this little baby dragon looks in your direction and cocks its head in confusion i'm gonna roll to see if the baby dragon the baby dragon doesn't know what to think it's not sure if it believes you or not has no evidence that you are not telling the truth so it kind of believes you and its eyes widen. Sounds like he doesn't know what to think.
It's not sure if it believes you or not. It has no evidence that you are not telling the truth.
So it kind of believes you, and its eyes widen. Sounds like he doesn't not believe me, but he doesn't believe me either.
He's unsure, but he's buying into what you're saying right now. Where is this dragon on the boop scale? This dragon is a younger dragon, but it is a male dragon.
Is it boopable? Would we like to boop it? Boop it. Oh, boop it.
It is very boopable. 100%.
Yes. So it is absolutely like a very cute looking dragon.
If it were to rear up to its full height, it's like a big dog. Its head would just barely kind of come up to your head level, but only if it was like hind legs up on your chest.
We don't deserve dragons. Yeah, yeah.
They're so sweet. And you can tell this like baby Wyrmling basically is looking at you in confusion, but it seems to be chained here, so it's kind of like darting its eyes around like, interesting.
What's going on here? It hasn't said anything yet, but we know it is capable of speech. And Clark, the leader, is saying, Golthias! Welcome! Let me show you around.
I will show you the blights that we have grown for you, and I will show you, and he points to the top of the fort where you suddenly notice cages have been stacked up up there. Crude cages like woven out of bits of rubble and twigs and stuff.
And inside those cages, there are blights fighting at the bars, reaching out with their little fanged mouths, trying to reach for the goblins and various other creatures around here, including you as you get closer. All right.
It sounds like we're at ground zero right here. This is where it all goes down.

The bugbear right now is being

friendly to us? The bugbear is being friendly to

you. He does not notice the people

behind you just yet.

What can I do? Is there a way that I

can communicate with him to let him know, like, my friends

are, hey, they're with me? You could say

that. These guys are cool? Absolutely, you could say

that. Okay, I'd just like to let him know, like, hey,

like, if you ask me, don't ask them, who do they know here? They're with me. Or do you say we're your prisoners? Trojan horse their ass.
Yeah. That way we seem subservient.
Yeah, I brought, yes, I brought these prisoners with me, and I'm offering one as a sacrifice. Oh! Blood for the field.
Yes. I brought abundance with me and the gift of fertility.
Vampires mind control their enemies and now you offer their blood. Thank you, oh great one.
And he's looking around in terror. He was not expecting you but he is now letting letting in all of your teammates.
And unless somebody attacks him, he is not going to attack any of you. And then he just says, do you wish to see the blights? And he points to the top of the fort.
Do you wish to see the fields? Or do you wish to see the tree? What do you guys think? We've got to go to this tree. I think, yeah, let's go check check out the tree that seems like where all the action is yeah i don't know we have like the first pick here so should we trade the fields what do you mean another option oh yeah yeah yeah so yeah so so if we have the field sounds like it's been very promising for the last at least six months or so yeah it's grown up well.
He's a really good runner. However, not durability issues.
A lot of lights. Not durability issues.
But we could maybe get a lot of other options in exchange. Like if we say, hey, no thank you to the fields, can you give us more assets? I think what PFT is saying is we're not going to trade the fields, but we want to make them think we are so that we can then maybe get more out of it.
Maybe we should just

trade the fields, though.

I don't think so. I really think that these

fields are really good. Who is the commander

in charge of this? Because I'd like to maybe trade

the fields to the commander.

The fields might have been traded already.

Listen, you've never seen a fields

before. You don't even know what it

fucking looks like. Bill, you wouldn't know what to do with a field

if you got one. You don't know what a fields looks like.
Okay. So stay out of it.
I'm concerned about the safety of the fields and it's long term. As long as there's people protecting him in front, he's going to be fine.
Okay. Way more problems when he's just stationary.
Okay. The fields I'm talking about.
Are there any youthful warriors around?

Because maybe I could trade the fields

because I want to get young.

But again, he's just doing this as a smokescreen.

It's smart by him.

Deception.

What's your deception?

Oh, yeah, it's a plus eight.

Yeah, exactly.

Could you trade the fields for maybe signing a LaFarm?

All right, so I'm actually going to go to the tree. I'm going to go to the tree.
I've decided to go to the tree now. Absolutely.
I'm just going to go to the tree. Also, I do want to prove that I'm welcome here.
So I'm coming in peace. I do have a sacrifice for them if they want it.
And this big, giant bugbear with a big hammer

sounds like a Joey Camasta type.

Maybe if I have a nice, young, supple person

that I can offer up as their slave to the bugbear.

They tell you, first of all,

they would love any servants that you have to offer.

Goblins love to kind of take prisoners

and make them do the hard labor,

cleaning the latrine and stuff in the camp. They also say that blood for the fields would be great, but the master below would love some blood for the tree as well, if you have anything to offer.
But if he's the master... Good question, yes.
I think it's a trap. I think they're going to be like, oh, why would you want blood if you're right here? He in fact says, of course, you are the master of the tree.
You are the tree, Gothias. But the keeper, the one who has been caring for your tree, and he's confused because he thought you were inside the tree.
So he says, well, you're your keeper. You're good caretaker, Belak the outcast.
He is guarding your tree. You would love blood.
I get where this is going. So I just want them to remove all doubt that I am Golthias.
So I brought these prisoners with me. I want to slit Hank's throat in front of him just to show that I mean business.
They won't question me. They will expect that from Gothias the vampire.
You have to show them that you're for real. That I'm the real guy.
You can talk the talk. You've got to walk the walk.
I'm going to slit his throat from ear to ear. Absolutely.
You have your action to do. I'm going to say this is the reaction at the end of your turn.
Yeah, you got this. Wait, you don't use his action.
You're just giving him extra moves. No, no, it's the reaction.
Did you not listen to him? I will give you one. The Dragon Master here, not you.
What's the saying, PFT? For every action, there's a... Equal and opposite reaction.
Okay, so he's doing his reaction move. Yeah.
This will be a reaction sort of attack of opportunity as a surprise against Ehrlich. Just make with one

weapon, unless you would not be able to use

a spell, I would say, but if you use your weapon,

I believe that you have

a light crossbow, or

you would have to use your rapier. Your rapier would be a

d20 plus 5. Yeah, I'm gonna do that.

The rapier. Absolutely.
Go ahead and

roll a d20 plus 5,

and you have advantage. I'm gonna say

Ehrlich is not surprised by this, actually. jay can you confirm that that's a 19 confirmed confirmed it's with a 19 plus five a 24 is absolutely a hit against erlich for 1d8 plus three points of damage he has 10 damage so far but if you roll that blue d8 you'll add three that, and that's the total damage he'll take.
That's an 8. Absolutely.
With 8, 8, plus 3, that's 11 more damage. Ehrlich is up to 21 damage on him.
Ehrlich, may I ask, what are your normal full hit points? 38. 38, so you are down to just 17 left, I believe, unfortunately for you.
Tough. And as you kind of reach to cut his throat with the rapier, you stab him, mostly just in the shoulder, but cut a little bit of his neck.
He pulls away, and then the goblins, hobgoblins, and Bugbear all turn upon Ehrlich, smile at Gylthias the vampire, and they say, blood for the tree tree blood for the blights there's nothing against you this is for the good of the team he's not dead yet right he's not dead or unconscious just yet and Billy it is your turn then the goblins are all gonna go to help Golthias finish off the sacrificial victim they're even gonna be like why are you why are you fighting? You're under his control, right? Just give up and let us have your blood. Also, like in many ancient cultures, it was an honor to be sacrificed to the gods.
That's true. Aztecs used to fight, they used to play in big tournaments and the winning team would get to be sacrificed.
So this is an honor I'm doing for you. You just basically won a Super Bowl.
Yeah. Congrats.
Thanks. You guys down with me lighting up the tree? Or is that going to blow our cover? We haven't seen the tree yet.
We've seen blights in cages. We've seen fields that we know were the result of them getting a branch from somebody from the tree that the goblins planted.
And then the only thing we know about the tree's location is Clark, when he mentioned the tree and somebody named belak the outcast the caretaker he pointed down for some reason oh so is it underground but why do we want to light up the tree like we don't even know if the tree is bad or not yet right true well well no vampire lives under it yeah we feel like it might i'm starting to get attached to this tree. I've been cosplaying as both eyes.

I feel like if we hit the

tree, it's going to be like

the whole world is going to open up after.

If we kill that tree.

You know what I mean? Yeah.

Neverland or whatever? No. What's that?

The upside down? The Avatar tree?

Opposite of that. Yeah, the Avatar tree.

The upside up.

What's the movie with the dinosaurs?

Land Before Time? Land Before Time.

Yeah, what's that place called?

Tim, you know.

The Dead Land? No, the one

they go to. No, they go at the end.

The Land Beyond Something.

The Land Before Time? Land Before Time.

Well, that's the name of the movie. That's the dinosaur cartoon.

Oh, yeah, I'm thinking of the name of the movie.

The Valley of the Lost or something? Wait, someone, can you look that up? Memes? Can we get that? That's what it's going to be like. Right now, we've got Ehrlich, who's bleeding profusely on the ground.
We've got goblins surrounding him. I think we need to address the situation at hand.
So should we? Kill me. So what's our vibe? Kill the goblins? Or at least tell the goblins to maybe finish the job.
That way, you're not responsible directly for his death. Right.
Billy. The Great Valley.
It's the Great Valley. Alright, that would have driven me crazy.
Billy, also, just before your turn started, I would have said that Meepo the kobold did not cross the guard hallway, but from his room he poked his head in just enough to see the dragon on the chain, and he just shouts out one word cow cracks and this dragon turns like he recognizes meepo's voice and then just rolls his eyes oh and kind of covers up oh yeah let me talk to this dragon because this guy could probably light up the tree i just want to can i talk to the dragon try to maybe can i like undo his tetherether and say, if you help me out, I'll make sure you get let go while sneaking around before they sacrifice Hank? No one's really paying attention to you, servants of Golthias, and the dragon. So yes, you would have advantage on your attempt to free the dragon because the dragon's trying to help you.
And as long as you succeed, no one will notice that you're trying to do this you get to roll athletics on this so you have a plus six on this and you have advantage so we can roll two d20s take the higher number and add six to it okay first one is a 11 second one is a seven so 17 plus six that will be enough with dragon's health, you pull the chain off the dragon's neck. The dragon's head whisks over to your ear, and he whispers in your ear like, I don't know what's going on here, but these goblins kidnapped me from that idiot Meepo.
I was sort of like the mascot for the kobold tribe, and now the goblins want me to be their mascot. Frankly, I want to kill both sides.
I don't care. Okay, say...
What do you want? I want him to roll with us to help us burn down this tree because he's just literally a flying flamethrower. So we're going to light up this tree at some point.
With advantage, make a persuasion or intimidation check on him now. You can roll a d20 plus, do you have persuasion as a skill?

Plus four.

Plus four.

Roll two times and take the higher number on that.

This will be your bonus action.

Okay, I got a one.

Come on, give me a better number.

Twelve.

Twelve.

Plus four, 16.

That is enough.

Just roll one d20 and do you have insight as a skill?

Yes, plus six.

Plus six. Now, do you believe the dragon when he says yes? Go ahead and roll a d20 and do you have insight as a skill yes plus six plus six now do you believe the dragon when he says yes go ahead and roll a d20 plus six three the uh as far as you can tell you do not know how long the dragon is going to be on your side but you do think it is on your side for right now at least and it says yes but here's the thing i'm not fire dragon.
He shows you his icy white scales. And he says, I'm a cold dragon.
But if we find this tree that you're looking for, I'll help however I can. If you just get me out of here.
A good frost can take out a tree. Certainly can.
You're 100% right. And you've got the dragon on your side.
Do you want to tell it to do anything in particular? That would be the end of your turn. Honestly, I think we're just going to stay covert until, you know, let the goblins do their sacrifice, and then we're going to start busting off.
Okay, absolutely. Then in that case, Billy, as you and the dragon Calcrix watch what transpires, the goblins would be going next.
And every goblin would be piling on Ehrlich at this point. Ehrlich, I'm sorry to say, you have like 11 attacks coming your way.
I'm sorry to say. I don't think you can survive that.
I'll start with the hardest ones. Actually, this is the most important thing anyone can do for the good of the group.
That's facts. The bugbear missed, and he hits the hardest.
There you go. That's good news.
Next attack is one of the hobgoblins shooting at you. He missed.
The next hobgoblin is going to be a 16. Just barely hits you, I'm sorry to say.
Can I use my hellish rebuke, or is that too late? Yes, you can use Hellish Rebuke as a reaction against him now, and unfortunately he is going to be hitting you for a full... Oh, he rolled bad on that.
That could have been a lot worse. It's going to be six points of damage coming your way, and so far that brings you up, Ehrlich, to 27 points of damage.
How much do you have? You Hellish Rebuke that hobgoblin absolutely uh you burn up a third level spell slot automatically you don't have a choice on that he makes a saving throw he passed the saving throw he's gonna take half damage go ahead and roll 3d10 actually i think it's 4d10 i'm just gonna give you 4d10 against this guy. That three sounds right.
The d10 is this die right here.

I'm trying to remember now.

I think it starts at 2d10 when you cast it third level again.

No, you're right.

I think it will be 4d10.

Trust your initial instinct, Tim.

You think it will be 4d10?

I think we need a d10.

You know.

Let me pass this d10 over.

You're going to be rolling this.

Start with four times, and we'll add it all up. And I will double check this.
Two. Okay.
Jake, you know. Let me pass this D10 over.
You're going to be rolling this. Start with four times and we'll add it all up and I will double check this.
Two. Okay.
Jake, please verify. I'm verifying.
Two plus three equals five plus three equals eight. Sounds like Mr.
Ice. Six equals 14.
Nice. 14.
I'm rooting for you. Incinerates that Hobgoblin.
Oh, bitch. Sorry,, half the damage because he passed the saving throw does not fully incinerate him.
One of the hobgoblins takes seven points of damage. Then there are eight more attacks coming your way, I am sorry to say, from all the various goblins around here.
Cowboys are fucking celebrating the championship. Cowboys are celebrating? Of the first four, only one hit you, but he critically hit you.
Four, five, plus two, seven more damage. There is no God.
That's going to bring you up to 34 damage. Ehrlich, you have 38 hit points normally.
So you got four left. Four more attacks are coming your way.
That doesn't sound good. That doesn't sound easy, Tim.
Fourteen does not quite hit, actually, just barely. You miss the next two.
Two more attacks coming your way. Roll one, that's a hit.
And the last one is also a hit. Four more damage, knocks you down to zero.
And that means the last goblin comes running up to you with a scimitar, stabs you. Wait, go slow here.
Go slow here. So when he stabs you in the chest, that causes you to get two failed death saves.
That means Ehrlich, if anybody else hits you, you're dead. And on your turn, if we get to your turn, you roll a d20.
And if you get a nine or less, you die. If you get a 10 or higher, you maintain unconsciousness.
So it went right through his heart? It went kind of right through your chart. Did he twist it a little? He twisted it a little bit.
You're gushing blood. And you are like one roll away from death or one attack away from death.
Wait, wait. Did he die like a bitch? Did he poop his pants? I still have a chance.
Roll one constitution saving throw because you're unconscious. See if he's pooped your pants.
Was he crying when he died? This D20 will determine how embarrassing it was. Yeah, okay, all right.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It's huge.

It's a four.

It's a four.

That is enough that you have shat your pants.

Oh, no.

You didn't cry.

He pooped his pants.

You didn't cry, but reflexively the body releases waste upon hitting this level. Dude, he's shit.
I would rather die just outright. Damn.
Was he alive long enough for him to know he's shitting his pants in front of all of us? He is aware, yes. I would say with a fuck.
Third person, his Last question. Like, was his girlfriend watching him?

Somewhere it's entirely possible. Well, Hercule, the imp, is watching him from somewhere far away right now.

And is watching.

And I'd say that probably any girlfriend that a warlock would have is probably a fellow warlock who can scry upon you.

And your girlfriend might have been watching.

So are you saying, are you telling me that, like, when he dies, like, his only legacy you, and your girlfriend might have been watching. So are you saying,

are you telling me that like when he dies,

like his only legacy is like,

he should have passed?

It may be potentially.

Now, Ehrlich the Goblins just went,

your turn is up now.

Okay, here we go.

This is the big dice roll.

If you get a nine or less now,

you die.

If you get a 10 or higher,

you get closer to stabilizing,

but then it's Norm's turn next. I don't think it's better.
And if you get a 20, if you get a 10 or higher, you get closer to stabilizing, but then it's Norm's turn next. And if you get

a 20, if you get a 20 on this,

you wake up with one hit point.

Come on, Hank.

I'm rooting for you.

What did he get? Really high.

20? I got a 1.

It's a 1.

You absolutely

continue to relieve yourself. More pooey, you bitch.
And it's the most embarrassing death that possible could be. Sad day, bad day.
Oh, man. What a catastrophe.
Does Roger Goodell give us five minutes to warm up before we can restart this game? Absolutely, yes. 100%.
Norm, it could not be more clear that early is already dead you would go finish him off but he's dead he like visibly his body is shaking like like there's projectile shit going on i will say that it's it's good that we're doing this from the green screen so we get the right graphics he died. That would be important.
The goblins are all like, whoa, the tree's gonna love this! This is gonna be great! He's creating all this fertilizer. They're like, go, Thias, you picked the right target.
Did you make him eat a lot to stuff him up? Yeah, he had a lot of really gross stuff. had like a hearty stew.
What'd you make him eat?

Clam chowder.

Horrible.

Yeah.

It's bad.

Okay, so, all right.

But hey, moment of silence for Ehrlich.

Yeah.

He died so that we may live.

All right, that's enough.

Okay.

I can't believe you shit your pants, dude.

I can't believe you shit your pants on your way out.

That's so embarrassing.

That's so embarrassing.

I'm dead, so I got nothing to say. Okay.
All right. Your soul is somewhere with your patron in the nine hells right now.
I'm haunting them. But your evil infernal patron.
They know that I'm haunting them. He is, in a sense, haunting you guys because your patron in the nine hells is making you, as a dark lord would do, is making you re-watch your death scene again.
Oh! That is sort of the cruel fate that your soul would be undergoing. Cringe-worthy death.
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So, are you sure? Just 100% Hank's dead. Hank is.
But is there a way to kill his soul? Um, right? Okay. Fuck it.
I could fuck his soul. Right now, he's got two, whether it's a good or a bad thing, he pledged his soul to a dark overlord, and that dark overlord has now claimed his soul.
Now, that may be a big step up from other people claiming your soul right now, Ehrlich. I would say somebody could try an arcana or religion check to try to draw his soul back, but because you'd be fighting his patron.
Yeah, no, I don't. He's fertilizer now.
Yeah, forget him. He's dead.
Also, just as a sidebar, this means more money for us. Okay.
Yeah, so we all get more money. Splitting in five ways.
All right, what should I do? Should I go fucking take down this tree? Yeah, I think the tree, that's where the money's at. Yeah.
We got to find the tree. I got to find the tree and then take it down.
They point it down.

They haven't said where the tree is, but the bugbear seems almost like the only reason

he hasn't told us where the tree is is because he thinks we already think we know where it is.

So we got to act like we've been there before.

All right.

So, okay.

Be like, all right.

We also need to make sure.

So when I do my move to try to kill the tree, they're going to obviously we are right because right now they still think that we're you we're your prisoners but couldn't i just be like it is my wish to destroy the tree yeah can i have him do that try that 100 all right so i want him to tell me to destroy this tree okay so i was just following orders i've grown the biggest warrior and and it is my deepest desire as your lord to destroy the tree.

Yeah.

This is going to be a tough deception check.

I will let you roll with advantage, but you need at least a 20 to convince them.

Okay, I've got plus eight.

You've got a plus eight.

All right, so 12 or higher.

What is it, Jake?

That is a six.

Six plus eight.

Now you have advantage.

They hesitate. They're like, Golthias, you can't mean to...
Why would you want to destroy your tree? It contains... Well, I guess it doesn't contain you.
So do you want to destroy... Won't that kill all our blights? You gave us...
Your caretaker of the tree gave us these blights to use against the kobolds to collect their blood. No, their god gets to update the rules as he sees fit, right? I can be like, now no dancing, no drinking, no caffeine.
You're allowed to bury 20 people if you want. Whoa! This is a pretty good deal.
If you want to play for the Jets and sleep with your friend's mom. You can do that.
These are all okay now. So you're gonna burn the tree to start a new sort of

religion kind of with us. Yes.
Yes. Alright.

Okay. Now, and we're gonna, to be

fair, we're gonna worship Ehrlich.

Ehrlich's gonna be like the new prophet.

Oh, okay. They pick up his body

and start carrying his body around. Yes, he died so that

this earth may live. Absolutely.

They're hesitating at first. Now roll

your second roll, your advantage roll.

You rolled a 14 so far as the better roll. Jake's checking.
Nine. Nine.
And with a nine plus eight, that's a 17. The bugbear says, but Belak the outcast told us very clearly that if the tree dies, the blights everywhere die.
And that is when one of the hobgoblins goes, Clark, this is not Golthius. And the other one nods and simply says, Traitor! Master, it is a disguise! And he runs up, and he waves his hand through Golthius' head because you are a dwarf and you disguised yourself as a male.
You went too small. You went too small.
You're not that much shorter than Golthius, but just enough that when he puts his hand through Golthius' hair, his hand visibly goes through your hair and passes through it like it's not even there. And Clark is like, what? And the Hobgoblin's like, sir, it is a...
And they start to level their weapons against you. But you could tell with that 17, Clark, when he was talking about the tree, you said, the tree, if it dies, the blights die.
He looked behind him at the fort, where you're now all noticing in the floor of the fort, there's a hole in the ground with roots growing up out of the hole. Okay, that's where the tree is.
And that all happened kind of as a reaction for you. Norm, you would be up now.
What would you like to do? You know the tree must be down in that hole, but all the goblins are turning on us now, it seems. Okay.
Should I kill the goblins or go for the tree? What if we go to the tree and convince the tree to kill the goblins. Wait, team up with the tree?

I'm not smart.

I'm just strong.

I'm just really, really stronger than you.

You want to convince the tree?

Yeah, I think we can talk to the tree.

Okay, so maybe you're not smart either.

Aren't you right next to a frost-breathing dragon?

Yeah, but it's not my turn.

Yeah, so I think we should...

What do you guys think?

Should we kill these goblins? I mean, I can rage on their ass. Oh, yes.
I got an idea. Yeah.
I got an idea. The dragon breathes ice.
Go for the tree and I'll freeze the goblins. Or wouldn't I go for the goblins and you freeze the tree? Yeah, it seems like that's the way to go, right? Yeah.
But the goblins are like, they just figured us out. Should I protect us by going for the goblins? We need a quick decision, boys.

Go for the goblins.

Go for the goblins.

Go for the goblins.

Are we all on the same page?

Rage.

I just want to say we have great teamwork now that Ehrlich is dead.

Yeah.

It smells like shit.

Yeah.

It smells like shit, but damn.

We are a squad.

All right.

I'm going to try to kill as many of these goblins as I can.

And you're aiming for the little goblins, not the hobgoblin or Clark the bugbear, correct?

Which one is the most...

I think I've got to take out the toughest one.

The toughest one would be Clark the bugbear.

Let's fucking do it.

Absolutely.

You charge in with your sword.

Clark grins because he's been looking at you, Norm,

since you entered and is the biggest guy here.

He's been wanting to have a one-on-one face-off against you.

That happens to me a lot.

So you charge in.

I'm going to ask because he's going to attack you back.

Are you going reckless or are you being safe and not going reckless?

Okay.

So when I go reckless, he can also roll two times.

He gets advantage against you if you get advantage against him, correct?

But if he never gets a turn, then it was worth it.

Oh, good point, Tim.

Alright, I'll go fucking reckless. Let's go.

Balls to the wall. Yeah, there are other goblins around here.

No, no, no, but you're right. Let's try to kill

him right now. Go ahead and roll 2d20s.

What am I trying to roll? You're trying to get

against Clark, you need a 16 or higher

and you have a plus 5 on this, so you need

an 11 or higher on one of these dives.

I'm going to roll them one at a time.

That's not enough.

It's a good thing. and you have a plus five on this.
So you need an 11 or higher on one of these dives. I like the odds.
I'm going to roll them one at a time. That's not enough.

That is enough for your first attack.

That is going to be 2d6.

These two plus five.

Yeah!

You get six so far.

You get to roll the other one as well.

You got to get it in. You got to roll the other one as well.
You gotta get it in.

You gotta get it in.

It was a six anyway.

Six!

It's a six, absolutely.

12 plus five.

15 points of damage.

Takes off more than half of Clark's hit points.

One more hit and you can finish him off.

Go ahead and roll your second attack now.

That's already enough. Just roll one more time to see if you critical hit him.
You don't critical hit him, but you absolutely hit for a full 2d6 plus 5. Okay.
He's got 12 hit points left. All right.
And that's enough. You finish the mighty Clark off.
Damn.

That's light work.

Hacking you in half with your two sword strikes.

That's light work, bitch.

As their leader falls dead to the ground,

you still have your move in bonus action.

All the goblins and the hobgoblins look at you.

Yeah.

What do you do?

I say, who wants some?

Roll an intimidation check with advantage. What is your intimidation skill? Plus one, they just saw me fucking take out their boss.
Absolutely. 11.
11. That's a four.
Four. So with an 11 plus what's your intimidation bonus? With a one, a 12.
I'll roll for the goblins in general. No, they're pretty brave right now.
Shit. Mainly, you you can tell because the two hobgoblins are immediately like okay we're giving orders now and like Clark was kind of the dumb dumb in charge and now they're asserting their control as they were over the goblins alright it's on but Norm that is a great turn you finish off Clark immediately Greg would be up next.
Greg, I need some help.

We've got these other two fucks.

You've got to do something.

I'm going to do it.

I have two javelins.

Hell yes.

You've got javelins, yes.

And I'm not missing this time.

I've got two hobgoblins, one injured, one not,

and then eight different goblins who are swarming out.

Okay.

I think hobgoblins is probably the way to go here.

Are you aiming for the injured one first or the stronger one?

Let me get the rust off at the injured one.

I'm. Absolutely.
Go're dead. But you've still got your move and your act bonus.
You could get into melee with somebody. You're dead.
You could head in a direction, or you could try to intimidate everybody here. Is anybody hurt? Hank's dead.
Yeah, I'm dead. Hank's dead.
I hurt. And Billy is hurt for 14 points of damage.
Cake is hurt for five points of damage. And I'm near everybody.
You are near everybody. Can I lay my hands on Billy? I'll allow it.
If you use your move in your bonus action, I will let you do lay hands on Billy. You have 18 healing points left.
Do you want to heal him for a full 14? Let's do it. Absolutely.
My hands are a little cold. Yeah.
Absolutely. You have four of those healing healing points left.
You get a little of the gasoline on. There you go.
And that will be your turn then, Greg. That brings us to Cake's turn next.
Cake, what would you like to do? Am I still stuck near these bones? Sorry. Cake, you had gotten out of the pit.
You are up here with the rest of the goblins now, I would say.

When we last saw you, you had just fired a thunder wave over the wall and knocked all the goblin guards inside.

So you're looking into Goblin Town right now.

What would you like to do?

Am I by myself?

You are, actually, yeah.

I'm kind of lonely.

Yeah.

I want to get back with everyone.

Absolutely. You easily hop the wall, walk through the door into into goblin town and you're there amidst the chaos of the goblins turning upon us there are still two hop goblins and eight goblins who are spreading out across this room let's take them down absolutely what kind of spell would you like to use here i'll just highlight do you do you have the spell Fireball by any chance? I do have Fireball.
Oh, Bill, remember I really tried to take that? So, Fireball. Fireball.
Fireprint. Absolutely.
I sacred flame. Absolutely.
Now, Fireball is a much more powerful spell. Fireball would allow you to hit almost every goblin in this room right now, including the hobgoblins.
I would say it would be this many goblins that you're able to hit. You're able to hit five of the goblins and both hobgoblins in a fireball.
That would only leave three hobgoblins left over. And you can shape this spell around all of your friends to avoid not hurting anybody you don't want to hurt.

I don't want to inflict any pain on my friends.

Absolutely.

The way that you say that makes it sound like you do. You're like, I don't want to inflict any pain.
You don't owe me well enough, then? Now, Kate, the amount of damage on a fireball, you could roll the physical die, or you could use my dice roller on this because you are going to need to roll and add up 8d6

damage against your foes. Would you like to roll this on here? That would be you would press the d6 button eight times and it'll tally it up at the top for you.
Love it. Okay.
Here we go. Ha! No dice.
One. One.
And then you keep pressing it until it says eight times.

There you go.

I love it. 29.
29 damage is enough that I don't need to roll saving throws for anybody in this room. Clark could have withstood this attack, but all five goblins are incinerated.
Incinerated.

The two hobgoblins injured and otherwise are also absolutely incinerated by your fireball. Well done, Cake.
You have used one third level spell slot, and you don't have any more of those, but you do have other spell slots left over, and you have absolutely wiped out all but three of the goblins here. Well done.
We're just fucking wasting these fools. Did you want to do anything with your move or bonus? Did you want to head into a particular location? Or you could try to use your persuasion to get the three remaining goblins to surrender at this point.
Yeah, let's use the persuasion. Absolutely.
Go ahead and roll. What's your persuasion skill?

I think a d20 plus one.

It doesn't say.

Perception.

Oh, perception is a d20.

Plus three.

I thought you had an...

I think you have a plus one on this.

So roll a d20 plus one on persuasion.

Ten.

Ten plus one is not...

Unless they roll really bad on this. No.
Unfortunately, the three goblins are not surrendering just yet. Instead, it seems like they're trying to run for cover to shoot at us or to maybe hide or pull other shenanigans against us.
But, Cake, you have not gotten them to surrender just yet. And that will bring us to Wayne's turn.
And to clarify, Ehrlich's still dead.

Ehrlich is still dead, 100%.

Is his body cold?

His body is about to go cold right after your turn.

Does it smell better?

It does not smell better.

It smells worse.

It smells worse.

It's way worse.

I would like to clarify, because Hank was using the bathroom in real life,

as his character was still using the bathroom as it was dead.

Hank, we are turning your body and your into like the new god to honor your sacrifice so for the rest of history you know how like people will worship an image of you shitting your pants for forever oh wait you can't talk you're dead i just want to let you know because you weren't here when we talked that fell through oh dead yeah oh i think we actually trampled him fighting. It's the thought that counts.
I heard that they didn't want to do the upper body. It's just from the waist down.
The image of Hank dying for forever. So, I know Billy's got the ice dragon, right? Yes.
Berserker Billy has the ice dragon. Seems like that's the key to eliminating this tree.
Which is the objective, right? Yeah. So what? About that.
Remember you were saying fire is most effective against those things earlier? It did seem that way. They were afraid of fire, the blights.
Yeah. So I don't know how the ice is going to work on these things.
Uh-oh. On the tree? Yeah.
Uh-oh. That's Meepo right there.
I love it. Is that Meepo or the ice dragon? That's the ice dragon, actually.
You're absolutely right, Meepo right there i love it is that meepo or that's ice dragon oh that could that's the ice dragon actually you're absolutely right meepo has red scales the ice dragon has white and bluish scales hey ice what do you mean i should i have one can i ask the dragon a question can i ask the dragon you could absolutely did you ice dragon did you see that dude poop his pants and die. I've got handle animal,

right?

You... Did you, Ice Dragon, did you see that dude poop his pants and die? Ah! I've got Handle Animal, right? You do have Handle Animal, yes.
That's one of my skills. Can I take the animal, the Ice Dragon, and just have it sit on Billy's lap and start to move around suggestively? No, it's a dude.
It is a dude, 100%, but you can still try to convince him to do that 100%. I'm not Tony Dungy, I'm Derek Carr, so it's fine.
In fact, because the dragon is an intelligent creature, you would not have to use animal handling. You could even use persuasion or deception.
Persuasion, I just want Billy to get familiar with the dragon before he uses it in his turn, so I want them to form a bond. A really deep bond.
I'll fuck the dragon. Let's fuck the dragon.
Let's fuck the dragon. With no advantage or disadvantage, one persuasion check on the dragon to convince...
I assume you're focusing on convincing the dragon and not Billy. Billy seems already on board.
It's a seven. Dragon style.
It's a seven plus five for persuasion. I would say a 12 unless I roll an 18 or higher on this is not enough.
No. What are you saying to this dragon, Calcrix, to be exact? I'm saying Calcrix.
I want you to show me what that thang do. Go over there and put it on my boy.
My tail? Don't drop the salt dragon. Let me push that tail out the way.
Or my fangs. And he reaches over like he'd rather bite Billy.
No, we don't want teeth. No teeth.
No teeth. Maybe just a little teeth.
I'm not interested. And he starts backing away from Billy.
Unless you want to use your action to persuade him more. Yeah, I'm going to use my action to persuade him more.
Absolutely. Roll another persuasion check.
Six. Six plus five is 11.
If I get a critical hit on this, he's interested. No.
Okay. He flies away from Billy, actually, and he flies up and lands on top of the goblin fort looking down at Billy.
And he says, it's not like that. He just rescued me.
And he starts to get a little embarrassed. Okay.
Another wasted turn for dumb, dumb PFT. That dragon knows a lot of the history of this.
He was just born yesterday. Have you used your action? You've used your bonus.
You still have your move if you want to head in a particular direction. Or try to convince him again.
For my action, can I actually feed Hank's dead body to the dragon? Yes, I will allow that. Does the dragon want to fuck the dead body? Oh, yeah.
Can I eat it? Do you want to try to persuade the dragon of that? I want to persuade the dragon to eat Hank's dead body's ass. Eat his ass.
Yes. It's something that he would.
You have advantage on persuading him of that. In fact, no persuasion check necessary.
He says, oh, I'm starving. Let's go.
In the chaos of the fighting, no one's carrying the body around anymore. You run over, you grab the body, you drag it over and Calgar's just like, give me that snack.
And he reaches over. It's that snack that's a whole meal.
He says, I don't know, that's pretty bite-sized for me. And because Ehrlich is a gnome, he kind of is like, you know, a human might be, you know, a little more meat.
And he just bites off the left cheek in a single bite and devours it. First, first, he sprays an icy breath over the butt cheek and freezes it and then sort of chomps down on it.
Like, I prefer my food frozen. Nice.
Had you seen Cake's ass yet? He did not see Cake's ass yet because he wasn't there for the Thunderweight spell. He is going to want that elven ass in just a moment, I'm pretty sure, if he sees it.
And that is going to bring us from Your Turn Wayne successfully convincing Calcrix to eat Ehrlich's ass. Calcrix just did his turn.
Billy, we would be up to you. Billy, what would you like to do? So the tree's in the hole.
We think if you go down the hole and we're noticing there's a rope ladder that's been rolled up in the goblin fort, but much easier to climb than that one rope that we had to climb before. So you could drop down the rope ladder, climb down the hole if you want to.
Calcrix is now gonna take, you know, if you shout something to him, he'll listen to you, but he's busy eating at the moment. Can I tell Calcrix to be like, yo, when you're done eating that ass, can we like go ride down there and just check it out? Just roll 1d20, and as long as you don't get a one, he won't be too busy.
14. 14, you're fine.
You convince him and he goes yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine, fine, fine.
And he takes another bite. And then he goes, alright, alright.
Let's go. Let's go now.
I'll come back for the rest of this. And he gets ready to fly down the hole after you.
Sweet. So I have to climb down? You do need to climb down.
He's not giving any rides? He cannot give you a ride because you're much bigger than he is. Oh, he's too small.
As a Goliath, he's too small for you to ride. He's like a kind of big dog, but definitely would hurt him.
And so if you climb down, all you need to do to climb down successfully is knock at a one on a d20. Just roll one more time.
20. 20, absolutely.
You climb down so quickly that you see a cavern at the bottom of this hole

that you are dropping down into.

There is a sort of briar patch of thorn-like bushes all around you,

extending in a circle around this island of a hill,

rising up out of this briar patch.

And as you look, the briar patch moves a little bit like it's alive. And you can see growing from this hill a tree.
And there is a figure standing next to the tree. He looks like an old man with a cloak up and a withered staff in his hand.
And he is putting one hand on the tree and caressing it, kind of. So did we hear that there was a caretaker of the tree earlier? Yes, we did.
So this isn't the vampire dude, the real one. This is the caretaker.
Very perceptive, Billy. So we're going to have to go after the caretaker.
Because he's definitely going to try to protect the tree. So I'm down there first.
Maybe let's talk to him. Absolutely.
Let's be like. You're a berserker and you want to reason with him? Yes.
You've changed. Pussy.
Well, no, there's probably better ways to do this. Than violence? Because I'm going to die.
Violence is the only answer. Well, that's your move.
So you want to come in. Oh, you're right.
I do have more strength than you. Yeah, you do have more strength.
Dad's strength, we proved that. So I'm going to go and say, yo, dude, what's up? Absolutely.
With your bonus action, roll a persuasion check on him. 11 plus 4.
With an 11 plus 4, 14, he turns, who dares, intrude into the twilight grove of Belak, the outcast? I am the druid and caretaker of this realm, and I have not invited. You are not one of my goblins.
Who are you? Did Clark send you? What are you doing here? I'm just going to say, what's good, boss? Just trying to figure out the situation. Are you going to have a productive conversation at all with this guy? Or are you just like, stop? Oh, yeah, that's chill.
I'm getting the vibes. Cool.
I'm figuring out the vibes before we do anything else. The sick.
I'm just checking it out. That's fair, right? I mean, your entire conversation is going to be like, sup, dude? Sup? Well, I want to figure out what he wants.
Chill, all right. I'm trying to see, like.
Not much. You? Okay.
Just post snub. Just, where's the treasure, bro? He says, what is up right now is that you have blood.
And he gestures with his staff over the briar patch as it begins to rustle more and more. You think you see plants uprooting themselves and beginning, like raptors in the grass, starting to move towards you through the briar patch and he says and my children need the blood that you have so you will offer it willingly or i will take it from you vibes are bad vibes are bad just pick that up so blood cold let's let's ice them let's ice them nowalkrix does not want to fly, it turns out, all the way over to that guy, unless you are going all the way to there.
And you cannot, right now you could fight your way through the briar patch and you'd get up to him, but you wouldn't be able to attack him if you did that. So he lands next to you, gets his breath weapon ready, and says, yeah, as those blights get closer, I'll totally help you with them.
But he doesn't want to go after Belak the Aptist. Okay.
Tell him to ice the briar. All right.
Absolutely. He will do that.
In fact, he just unleashes a breath weapon on the briar, freezes a bunch of it, and you see some blights got caught and killed in it, but other blights are like slamming against this ice wall that you sort of created. Hell yeah.
Does that give me access to the dude? If anything, it makes it harder for you to get to this dude now. So you could spend your whole action trying to fight through the briar patch to get to him.
I'm coming behind you, dude. I know.
Can I snipe him with my Sacred Flame? You could use Sacred Flame. Sacred Flame is one of your weaker spells.
Do you have Guided Bolt or any other spells you might want to use here? I have Guiding Bolt. Guiding Bolt is a fantastic spell right now.
You shoot a laser beam of energy out of your hand in Belak's direction. So you roll a d20 plus 5 to see if you hit with the beam of holy energy.
3. A three plus five.

The beam of energy takes the shape of a ram

because your god Kavaki,

just as your helmet denotes,

loves the horned helmets

and rams as his chosen animal.

It forms into a ram,

but as it slams into the wall

above Belak

instead of into him,

he lets out a laughing shriek and he ducked out of the way of that attack, I'm sorry to say. But that burns up a...
I should have asked already, but did you use a first, second, or third level spell slot? First. Let's say first.
First. 100%, absolutely.
And so you are down two spell slots so far, Billy third and one first and that is your turn so far then Belak gestures with his staff again come forth you are not the first adventurer to try to venture into my grove and suddenly from either side of the tree two figures figures come stumbling around, moving jerkily like zombies. And you realize each of them, the man who's wearing armor and carrying a sword and the woman who seems to have a magic wand in her hand, they have roots and branches growing all over their body, woven into their skin like veins.
And under the control of the tree, they step forward, and they begin to unleash attacks against you, Berserker Billy. The knight can only throw javelins at you right now, so just like our paladin, he throws a javelin, and he does miss you with a 12.
Sweet, sweet. His second javelin does hit you, I'm sorry to say.
And Berserker Billy, you unfortunately did get hit by that javelin and you're going to be taking seven points of damage from the knight's javelin under the control of the tree he hurls the javelin in your direction you are healed back up to full that's the good news so this is the first seven damage that you're taking right now And then the sorceress with her magic wand under the control of the tree also pew pew pew fires out these magic missiles that are going to deal so far five, seven points of damage plus um, four six. So that's 13 points of damage.
That's 20 damage on you from the two tree minions. The blights are being held at bay by Calcrix.
He's trying to help you out here. It seems.
And that is what's going on down in the twilight Grove. Okay.
Meanwhile, back up on the surface, the goblins are going. Now there were three goblins left after the fireball from, trusty wizard, Cake.
But those goblins are scattering around. Sorry, Billy.
I'm down bad, boys. Kind of thinking we need to come back down.
Okay. All right.
Wait. What is your – how bad down is he? He's down 20 hit points out of how many hit points? I got 25 points left.
Wait. You're not down that bad.
Yeah, you're down half bad. And wait, are you making us stop the entire mission to go rescue you? Wait, are you by the tree? Yeah.
He's by the tree. Oh, he's by the tree.
He made it to the tree. He made it to the tree.
I'm fighting a dude in the mission. Okay.
Whose turn is it? Up on the surface, the goblins are going now, and the goblins are scattering around. Maybe we don't need to fight them anymore, but it does seem like they're still running interference.
One of them ran to the back of the cave and we hear snarling coming from that direction, like he's getting an animal of some kind. Uh-oh.
Two of them run up to the top of the goblin fort and one of them shoots down. I'm going to roll to see which target he goes after.
That's going to be Billy's downstairs, so Erlich's dead. Norm, you would be the target that he's shooting at.
He went after Billy. He can't shoot at Billy because Billy's down a hole relative to him.
So he cannot shoot at him, unfortunately. But Norm, that is going to be a hit against you with a 21, unfortunately.
But only for three points of damage. And because you're raging, you only take one point of damage, Norm.
It's barely a scratch against you. Love it.
And then the last goblin goes up to the top of the goblin fort, picks up a cage full of blights. And Norm, I'm sorry to say.
Again? He's throwing the cage of blights at you. You are the scariest looking person up here.
He gets you right with that corner from the cage and hits you for oh a total of seven points of damage but that gets halved also to just three points of damage so you've taken four so far and then norm I would like you to please roll okay six okay and if you get a three or if you get a three or less, the cage breaks open. Oh, shit.
Oh, no. Norm, the cage breaks open, unleashing three blights upon you.
They begin scratching at you. What the fuck? One.
Oh, and they have advantage against you, I'm sorry to say. First one hits you.
You're just going after me? Second one hits you. And the third one also is going to be hitting you Norm For Five, so that's two That's three, that's going to be five So far, and then the last one Gets four, nine More damage, but that gets halved down To four more damage After all that Norm, you only take eight points of damage I'm strong, I'm built different And the goblins are done with their turn okay probably exhausted too to um earlick somewhere your patron is doing the playback again and he is with his massive infernal horns and eyes going see the mistake you made and he's just lecturing you about stuff you already know about what you did wrong uh and it's just completely like uh you know 20 20 hindsight like he's Like, he's just bringing up, like, insulting things.
He's eating all that Indian food. That was it.
And then Norm. Scott runs to you next.
Okay, I have a couple questions. I'd like to kill the dragon.
Whoa. Yes.
I guess that wasn't a question. There's two goblins above you.
One goblin who ran to get some sort of wolf-like creature. If you climb down the hole to where the tree is, you will see Berserker Billy and the dragon with their back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to kill that tree.
Absolutely. You can climb down.
Just roll a d20, don't get a one, and you climb down the rope effectively. The rope ladder, I should say.
Oh, fuck. It's a natural one.
You're going to climb down the rope ladder and you're in such a hurry, you break it, I'm sorry to say, and come plummeting downward, but you're still raging. So whatever this damage is.
Did you break the rope because it was too heavy? I think so. I think it was too muscular, unfortunately.
Wow, I'm rolling bad damage. That's 11.
15. But aren't I raging? You i raging you are raging you're gonna take half damage but it was 20 damage getting halved down to 10 so you have taken now 18 damage total normal 55 you're not even halfway down yet you come crashing down onto the ground they're no longer surprised berserker billy and calcrix look behind themselves and they see you getting up off the ground.
But I would say you can just barely still run over to them because you have augmented barbarian speed. You can run over to them and still do an attack against the dragon.
You can do two attacks. Or you can attack the guys who are attacking me.
Can the dragon defend itself? The dragon gets an armor class that you need to beat to defend itself. I'm going to kill this going to kill this dragon.
All right. The dragon's helping us.
Are you going- No, I don't like the vibes of the dragon. The dragon got you in a bad spot.
The dragon honestly hasn't been that helpful. Yeah, no.
The dragon's like, I only want to attack who I want to attack. Yeah, I don't even want to fuck you.
No, the dragon's holding the whole- Did you just use a hard R? Hard R. Wow.
All right, here we go. Are you going reckless on this attack? No, no, I heard what you said.
What's attacking us? The draugers? The creatures that are attacking us, the tree with a druid caretaker, and these mind-controlled adventurers. That's something in Skyrim.
Yes, yeah. They are not undead like the draugers in Skyrim.
They are just mind-controlled servants. Tim, how come the dragons are allowed to use that word, but Billy can't? It's not fair.
He's obviously very good friends with one. Got a lot of good dragon friends.
I mean, you are canonically. You have a dragon friend.
You did have a dragon girlfriend. Well, I think it was like one round you had a dragon girlfriend.

You're too pumped.

Very satisfied. Multiple times.

Norm, you have advantage because you're going

reckless. You can roll 2d20s.

Okay. Ooh, the dragon's armor

class I am actually not. Let me pull that up right now.

He seems like a weak dragon.

You got anything

to say for yourself, dragon?

Say something else.

What's your last words?

All you need is a 16 against this dragon.

So again, 11 or higher.

That is going to be a miss, but let's see the advantage.

That is not going to be enough.

Plus five.

That is going to be a 12.

But that's your first attack. The dragon goes, what the fuck's he doing? And scuttles away from you.
Starts to fly up into the air. You get one more swing.
Not enough, but you have advantage. No, you missed the dragon both times.
I am sorry to say. I hate this dragon.

The dragon starts to fly up into the air.

I would say that I'm going to have the dragon do its move right now.

But in return, what that means is if I'm letting the dragon move right now,

you get to make the decision right now as it flies away,

do you take an attack of opportunity as it flies away?

Yeah, I think I have to.

One free attack.

You can roll two more times.

I'm just scared away the fucking dragon.

15.

15.

You didn't have advantage on this one,

so unfortunately you're just taking the one roll,

but it is enough.

With a plus five, that's a 20.

That is a hit against the dragon

for 2d6 plus five damage. Six, and then one more.
One. Seven plus 5, 12 damage.
Calcrix has 32 hit points. So with 12 points of damage, he's not halfway down yet.
He continues flying up into the air, and he turns to Berserker Billy and says, This guy's nuts! Get him away from me! And he is very scared of Norm at this point. But Norm, that is the end of your turn.
Okay, that's fine. The beginning of Greg with two G's turn.
Finish him off. Finish off the dragon.
Finish off the dragon. The tree's down in a cavern, I know that.
The tree and the dragon are now down in that cavern. The only thing up here with you is three goblins causing mayhem.
Ironically, I feel like it was important. Is there any, uh, anything on the ceiling or anything that I could use to fill this cavern? I want to fill the cavern.
Oh, like a big rock. You're talking about the cavern with the tree and the dragon.
You want to collapse the ceiling? Is that right? I would like to. You are in there.
You can try to. I mean, you are in there yes billy's in there the dragon the tree and the tree servants yeah i think it would be for the best bet just to bury the tree yeah absolutely if you climb down the rope ladder roll a d20 you cannot do this while you're not in the room so roll a d20 and as long as you don't get oh the rope ladder's broken How are you going to get down? You could try jumping down with an acrobatics check,

but you only have like a plus zero on that, basically.

If you can think of, you do have 50 feet of rope.

I would let you try to tie a rope off onto the remains of the rope ladder

and try to climb down that rope.

No, I think I'm going to run away.

Absolutely.

Yeah, I'm just going to get out of here.

You got two goblins and a third goblin in the room with you right now, and the way out is clear. Yeah, I'm going to dart.
Absolutely. As you start running for the exit back up to the surface, is that right? Yeah.
You're passing by Meepo. And Meepo goes, where's Calcrix? Did you see him? Is he in there? He's my best friend.
The goblins kidnapped him. He wants to see me.
me i'm sure of it uh did not seem to want to see you yeah yeah but i'm going to say i want to be honest and say he's in in that cavern he he's in that cavern why didn't he come out did the goblins kill him are the goblins still there listen i will go save you calcrix yeah go for it absolutely M. Mipo starts charging in.
Calcrix! And he's gonna go save Calcrix, but he just comes rushing into the goblin room, and goblins start aiming their arrows at him. You see the exit, and you can easily get out of here.
Yeah. Absolutely.
As you run, I'll let you get all the way to the rope ladder out. Just roll a d20 on athletics.
You're just ditching us? Yeah. I appreciate you guys having me today.
Roll a D20 plus three for your athletics. 16.
16. You climb up the rope ladder, get back to the surface, and you're able to make it back to...
I'm cutting the rope, too. Sir O is waving to you.
He set up sort of a picnic here to watch you guys to see if you you would come out. And he waves you down and you get to hang out with Sir O now.
Hell yeah. That's pretty cool.
Damn, that sounds way better than being down here. This cavern.
Greg, you make your escape. Cake.
You have five points of damage and you are currently in the room with the three goblins who are scattered around and you can see the rope ladder is broken that leads down to where these guys are i want to go with my friends thank you go to where they are you see the rope ladder you're either gonna have to roll acrobatics and jump down and just try to minimize the damage you take or you could tie off a rope and try to climb down that rope okay i'll do that i don't want to tell you how to do your turn, Jake, but maybe you could use your turn to do something besides just get close to your friends. Maybe you could try to kill the dragon or the tree.
You could tie off the rope as a bonus action, climb down with your move, and you'd still have your action to cast a spell or do an attack. Also, if you try to kill the tree, you're probably going to end up next to your friend.
You're probably two for one. Yeah, come hang.
Don't be a Nick. Go after the tree, and I'll help you fight those draugers and the big guys.
There's no draugers. Billy, come on.
You keep saying that. What are they called? The tree servants.
They're not undead. They are still alive, but they've been mind-controlled by the tree.
Billy invented a racial slur. Draugers are...
If they were skeletons or zombies, I'd let you know. Let's go after the dragon.
Billy invented a racial slur. If they were skeletons

or zombies, I'd let you know.

Let's go after the dragon.

Absolutely, you're going after the dragon.

You said you were going to tie off a rope.

That's your bonus action.

Just roll a d20 to see how you do on that.

17.

You're fine. The rope is secure.

Now climb down with, I hate to say it,

a d20 minus one.

Your nemesis climbing into and out of holes.

It's one weakness.

Holes?

Getting in and out of holes.

Nineteen.

Nineteen!

It's enough.

You climb down full speed.

You land on the ground.

And you can see the dragon up in the air.

Norm is still like sword raised in the air. Berserker Billy's like, like what gives as you see blights about to come swarming up towards us and the tree and it's three guardians in the distance what would you like to do you do not have any more fireballs i'm sorry to say but uh if you see any other spells that you're interested in using the magic missile magic missile is great not fire-based, but you can split it up against multiple enemies.
Each missile automatically hits, but it only deals 1d4 plus 1 damage. So it's like automatic, teeny tiny homing missiles.
What about drones? What about drone tech? Scorching ray. Scorching ray is fire damage.
You fire off three separate beams. You got to roll to see if they hit.
But if they hit, they deal more damage than the missiles do. Shoot at that.
That's a great one. No, no, it's the tree.
The dragon. He's shooting at the dragon.
The dragon. Why do you want to kill the dragon? The dragon's bad vibes.
The dragon's the only thing helping us. No, no, no.
No, no. The dragon's bad vibes.
No, we're trying to kill this tree to get the treasure, and then we're all splitting it. We're trying to wait for everything we've been splitting it.
We can't win this game unless we get rid of this dragon. I vote for the tree, too.
Who votes tree? The dragon's going to try to split the money with us. Jake, it's dragons.
Dragons do love gold. Dragons are greedy.
The dragon has not said so yet, but we know he's going to be asking for his job. Yeah, he is.
I'll kill the dragon. Part of why he was helping Billy was like, but what do I get out of this? We're going to have to deal with the dragon.
Kill the dragon, then we'll kill the tree. We have a space to share with the dragon.
No. No, this dragon's got to go.
At any point, the dragon might turn on us. This dragon is hard to be around.
Sharing is caring. You got three beams.
You can pick different targets for each beam. Don't do it.
Kill the dragon. Kill that dragon, Jake.
Now you get three different beams. Are they all going at the dragon? All same target? Not two, but three.
Three beams! Let's go. First beam, d20 plus five.
Let's see if you hit. 17.
17 is absolutely a hit. Roll the second one against the dragon.
Oh. Nine.
Nine, okay. Plus five is not quite going to be a hit.
You'll be missing by two points against the dragon with that beam, but roll the last beam now. 15.
15 plus five, absolutely a hit against the dragon. Each beam deals 2d6 fire damage, so if you roll the cube four times and add it all up, that'll be your fire damage.
How many total do we want? Right now, the dragon has taken 12 damage. We need 20 more.
20 on a full pressure. Odds are against us, but you got it.
No, no, no, no, no, no. You got to think positively.
Positively impossible. 6, 6, 6, 6.
Yep. 5.
5 so far. That's good.
2. 7 so far.
5. 5, 12.
5 again. All right.
Damn, so close. So 17.
17 points of damage. Knocks Kalkrix down.
He has three hit points left, that means. Three hit points left.
He gets burned by these two bad beams, and he goes, fire! I hate fire! And he's trying to fly towards the tree now. Because he's thinking those are his only chance.
Let's have him break the tree. Kamikaze.
I'd say with that much fire on him, he still has fire licking his body right now. And if he hits the tree...
Oh, okay. So we have him fly directly into the middle of the tree.
He's a bomb. And I'm going to go whisper in Kocho's ear and let him know the news.
Yeah. And Cocho will be celebrating on the outside when it happens.
Cocho seems surprisingly not worried about what's going on now. He's like, eh, they'll either come out or they won't.
I know. Sir, a second dragon has hit the tree.
Wayne, this is going to bring us to you next. What would you like to do? Oh, wow.
You're in a room with three goblins. You've got to convince the dragon to go into the tree.
Yeah, so I think I've got to tell the dragon that if it flies into the tree, it will spend the rest of its life in paradise. All right.
First, I'm going to need you to climb down into the pit. It's now a ten or higher that you need to climb down into the Twilight Grove because we broke the rope.
That's only a four. A four? You are falling down into the Twilight Grove.
That's all right. You're like a cat.
I'm like a cat. It says right here.
Thirteen points of damage coming your way, I am sorry to say, Wayne. You're fine.
Thirteen points of damage. You're still standing.
You hit the ground. You get back up, and you have your bonus action and your action.
You can use your bonus action to try to persuade the dragon to collide with that tree. Yeah.
That's what I'm going to do. I'm'm gonna do the the uh draymond green to kevin durant thing yeah get in his ear and be like you got this you got this you got this the dragon says fuck you guys and you have disadvantage i am sorry to say on your persuasion check on this dragon actually no you haven't attacked this dragon i'm gonna say then keep them away from is what the dragon says.
And just roll one time on a persuasion check or deception check, whichever you prefer, to convince the dragon this is a good idea. 20! 20! You convinced the dragon 100% and say, you keep them away from me, I'll collide with this tree, and I'll do whatever you want me to do with this tree.
Absolutely. Just keep them away from me.
He's like Randy Quaid in Independence Day.

I'm back. I'm back

100% yes. He's gonna

fly into this tree

take this tree out hopefully.

Nice. And Wayne you convince him

to do that. Anything you want to do with your action.

You could cast a spell or make some

sort of attack with your crossbow.

I think I might want to do hypnotic

pattern. Yes.

Hypnotic pattern. If you depending

of the show. sort of attack with your crossbow? I think I might want to do hypnotic pattern.

Yes!

Hypnotic pattern.

If you, depending on who you cast it on, if you cast it on the dragon, the dragon will just fall out of the sky because he's immediately stunned.

He's looking up at the images you're creating in the sky and he just loses focus.

He'll fall out of the sky and maybe hit the tree.

But you've already convinced him to hit the tree.

Yeah, no, he's going to take that tree out. I'm pretty confident in that.
I think I want to use hypnotic pattern on cake. And I want cake to kill all of us against his own will and then abscond with all the treasure and the dragon, and he's going to murder all of his best friends and have to live with that for the rest of his life.
The spell you're looking for is a suggestion spell. You can do that upon cake.
Hypnotic pattern could hit everybody in the room, and it would make them just stop doing what they're doing, drop their weapons, and stare. But if you do suggestion, he will have to obey what you are suggesting.
Yeah, I'm going to do that. I'm going to make Jake turn on all his friends and murder them violently.

Wait, do we know what happens when the dragon hits the tree?

Has that happened?

It hasn't happened yet on the dragon's turn.

He is about to do that right after Billy's turn,

which is next.

Now, Cake, I am inclined to believe,

based on how you've played your character so far,

that Cake is the one character

who has always looked out for his teammates.

That means that I'm giving you, on the basis that this under-discussion spell counts as out of character, you have advantage on this. Roll two times.
You get a plus five on your wisdom saving throw because you are very good at resisting this sort of thing as a wizard. Roll two times, but you've got to get at least a 14 or higher on this.
So a nine? So we need a nine on this. Bingo.
On the higher of two rolls. Three.
Three. Roll the second one now.
It all comes down to this. Oh, no.
I don't want to go to jail. 16.
16. You are like, I never.
I would never. Never.
You shake your head clear of the mind control. 100%.
But at the same time, I would just ask Cake, the spell isn't affecting you. Do you feel persuaded to do what he's suggesting? Just a little bit? Yeah, do it.
I can't do it. Do it.
Like, Jake, come on. Do it.
You know that we'd all split your throat. This is fake.
No, no. This is fake.
Jake, we would steal all your treasure in a heartbeat. You know what? He's kind of getting me there.
Absolutely. All right.
On your turn. You know that, Loki, you've wanted to kill Billy for years.
Jake, leave me out of it. Get in there.
Back before it keeps coming around. And that'll bring us to Billy Berserker's turn.
Berserker Billy, what would you like to do? Well, I think we've all lost the sense of the mission. No, we have the dragon going into the tree.
Yeah. I would like to run into the tree as well.
Okay. With your move now, you can use your move to try to get to the tree, and you'll still have your action and your bones.
Billy's going to get there right before the dragon hits it and kills him. Yeah.
I like it. Billy, make an athletics check to just chop your way through the briar patch to reach the tree.
Or jump, I guess. One of those two.
D20? D20 plus six. Five.
Five. Eleven.
Eleven is enough that you're not dealing any damage to any of the blights, really, but you're chopping your way through just the plants, the juvenile blights that have been growing around here. Blood! Human blood is spraying across your face as you chop your way through.
You are just barely, I would say, reaching the island. If you use your bonus action, I would let you charge into melee with the tree, if you want to try that.
Yeah, let me just melee the tree. You run into melee with the tree.
As you charge into melee with the tree, that means to try that yeah let me just melee the tree you run into melee with the tree as you charge into melee with the tree that means that you be running past the knight and the druid are you okay with that yeah absolutely the knight's gonna get one free swing he switches to his great sword he swings not at you but at your weapon okay he does not manage to shatter your weapon though his sword glows with magic runes that you think are designed to break your weapon,

he did not manage to hit it.

And then the druid simply tries to spank you as you run by him with his staff.

That is going to be...

Oh!

A 17 does hit you with his staff,

and it almost grows roots into your body that tear at you for three more points of... Sorry, five more points of damage.
Billy, that brings you up to 25 points of damage. You're down to 20 left.
You didn't have to do anything. And then as you get into melee with the tree, there's a creepy little bit of movement, and then a frog as Belak says, Gethry, Gethry, get them.
His familiar, a little frog, comes crawling out, tries to hit you with his tongue, but misses completely. And he just retreats back into the tree.
You're in melee with the tree now with just your action left. What do you want to do? I want to do whatever I can to chop that tree down.
Chop, chop. Go right ahead and roll one attack.
D20 plus five to see if you hit the tree.

12.

12 is enough to hit the tree all you needed.

In fact, it is a 12 or higher to chop through its armor, its thick bark.

So go ahead and roll, I believe, with your battle axe.

It's a D8 plus three.

D8.

That's a D10.

I believe you had a blue one.

It's the one that looks like this.

Or sorry, you did not have a blue one. You had like a quartz colored white one.
Quartz, oh, here we go. Guys, six.
Six plus the three is going to be nine points of damage against the tree. You chop into the tree.
Thwak, thwak, two times. And the tree bleeds.
All the blights in the room in the forest of briars shake and scream and fall over from the damage. They can't do anything on their next turn.
The tree still has a lot more hit points, though, but you have made it bleed, and as the tree lets out a shrieking sound, you can almost see a skull embedded inside of it with a fang and glowing in the eyes. If it bleeds, it can die.

And you have gotten this thing closer to dying.

Now, Billy, well done.

That is your turn.

Then Kalkrix swoops down.

And Billy, since he's kind of under...

Actually, no.

Hank, could I ask you to please roll a d20 with advantage to confirm that Kalkrix collides with the tree. Come on, let's go.
He's dedicating his whole turn to this. 16.
Yes. 16 is already enough.
Just roll one more time to make sure he doesn't critically hit. Come on, hit it critically.
Four. Four.
He is definitely still hitting it with the 16 roll 2d6s worth of damage 1d6 is for the collision and he's gonna take that damage to two two he's down to one hit point left oh and the tree takes two points of damage five and then five fire damage so when he collides the tree, the tree goes up to 11 points of damage. Then when he deals, you said five points of fire damage, it gets multiplied to 10 points of fire damage.
Did that kill the dragon? That did not. It brought the dragon down to one hit point left.
He's very badly injured. And the tree's at 21 damage now.
It's burning as he collides with it. And then Kalkrix can.
I'm going to leave it up to you, Hank, because I'm not sure how much he feels like hurting this tree and helping the team. He still could unleash his breath weapon.
Actually, sorry, to see if he can. Roll a d6, and if he gets a 5 or a 6, he has his breath weapon.
Hank, before you do this, Hank, because the ice

and the fire might negate each other.

Four. He does not have his breath weapon anyway,

so I'll ask, do you want to bite the tree

at all? Do you want to tear it apart?

Yeah, there we go. Roll a d20

plus 4 to see

if you can bite the tree. If you get a 12 or

higher, you'll hit the tree.

13! 13!

You're absolutely hitting the tree for

1d10 plus 2 points

of damage.

This would be a d20

if we want to pass this over.

This plus

2.

I ain't trying to see in this

max. It's a 9? I can't tell.

It's a 1.

He changed it? Did you roll it? Roll it again. Roll it again.
It wasn't a real roll. Come on.
Two. Two.
It was two plus two. Four damage against the tree.
The tree is up to 25 points of damage, and it is exactly halfway destroyed now at this point. The tree has 50 hit points.
If we can get 25 more on it, the tree is dying. And then we notice the two minions under its control are also convulsing.
They're fat shape. As is Belak the outcast.
We notice that his skin is the color of bark and also covered with threads of branches. And he's letting out winces of pain and shrieks as the tree gets hurt.
That is going to bring us from Calcrix's turn to the goblins who are upstairs. But I don't know if anybody else is upstairs at this point.
Nick, they can go get Nick. Get Greg.
I'm outside. Nick, you escaped completely from the dungeon.
Be safe. You two are downstairs.
You're downstairs in the Twilight Grove. So are you, Cake, as is the dragon.
Nobody's upstairs to deal with the goblins. They're just havocing themselves.
Ehrlich, anything you want to say to your patron, just ask. Otherwise, Norm, we are up to you.
Next. You got it, Norm.
Absolutely. The dragon has one point left? The dragon has one hit point.
She has 25 hit points. If I try to hit them both at the same time, would I be able to take them? Let's take them both out at the same time.
They are in the same square at this point. Now, roll a d20 with advantage because it's an athletics check to charge across the field to get to where the tree is.
Okay, d20. It's going to be a plus seven.
That's a 16. That's already getting you there.
Roll one more time time just see if you get a critical hit you did you jump through the air towards the tree you land amongst its branches perfectly lined up to hit both the dragon and the tree with a single strike okay are you going reckless? Yeah, I'm going reckless.

We're holding nothing back.

We're holding nothing back.

I think so.

So what am I spinning here for?

You're adding a plus five

to whichever of the higher of these two D20s.

That was a 13?

13 so far.

16.

16 plus five, 21 is enough.

You are dealing,

now you're going to roll 2D6 plus five damage and then I'm going to ask where that damage goes. So that was one.
One so far. So I would like the one to just finish off the dragon.
Absolutely. The first point of damage chops off Calcrix's head, pinning him and his body against the tree.
So it's like a chopping board. He was right up against the tree burying his head deeper and you just chop down, pinning his body to the tree.
Certainly this dragon had an empty stomach, right? I will roll up a Hank. Please roll a d20 on Cal Crix's behalf.
Go ahead, Hankat his pants. It's a what? Say it! A five is just enough that he leaked out a sort of icy flow.
Diarrhea. It looks like a brown slushie.
And as this melted brown slushy comes pouring out of the dragon's body, the remainder of the death will go over the tree. Was it his birthday? It was the dragon's birthday today, actually.
He got kidnapped shortly before his birthday. This is also his worst birthday ever.
That sucks. It's death day.
So bad. Oh, man.
Six. Six plus five.
That's going to be a full 11 damage on the tree. That brings the damage up to 36 on the tree.
Let's go, boys. Just 14 left, and the tree is dead.
It's letting out a shriek, and you can hear from inside the tree a voice emerging. Belak, protect me from this imposter.
And you think Galthias is in that tree and is especially mad because as far as I know, you're still in your disguise. Yeah.
Humiliated. He says, that's not what I looked like.
And that is going to bring us from your turn, Norm. Greg, you're partying outside with Sir O.
Sir O, there's explosions happening from the direction of the Sunless Sidd the sunless city oh sounds bad over there i would like to rub some dirt on myself and say my team betrayed me they were on the side of the tree the blight oh and they're down there uh i i tried to take down the tree the best i could i don't know if it worked sirik god of madness and mayhem says oh shit yes in your mind he's giving you advantage on this deception check i don't know if you have the deception skill but what's your charisma modifier plus three i think plus six charisma i think it's your charisma saving throw is that right oh yeah just above that it says charisma plus three i think in parentheses yep that's right absolutely go ahead and roll a d20 plus three to see if you can and you have advantage on this. Get a 15 or higher.
Surrow believes you. It's a three.
Three. Roll one more time.
You add advantage. Cool.
Siric gave you advantage on this. 11.
11 plus three. Surrow's pretty wise.
He has a plus six on this. He needs to beat a 14, but he only got a 12.
And he goes, I can't believe you did do that. That's real messed up.
I i'm sorry you had to go through that i'm sorry that stuff like that happens every now and then but we gotta like push through we gotta make it count and uh sounds like that's what you did look at all this dirt you got covered with it seems like you barely escaped uh hey listen at least you held true but when those guys get back i'm gonna have them arrested i to have them put under arrest. That sounds like the right thing to do.

How could they betray you?

Join the tree.

I don't want to hear about that.

And so, Greg, you have convinced Sir O that these are all criminals now.

Cool.

And that will bring us to Cake's turn next.

I finished this tree off.

See a tree.

Absolutely.

You could do another Scorching Ray right now, if you wish. That would be your highest level spell you have available at this point.
It worked last time. Let's run it past.
Wait, if he kills the tree, then the dragon... Oh, wait, the dragon's dead.
But its body will be immolated within the tree. I forgot the dragon was dead.
And are you aiming all three shots at the tree? All three. Roll all three d20s right now you have a plus five on this the tree is normal

class of 12 you just need a seven or higher to hit 19 19 is already one solid hit roll the second one 15 15 is another hit come on finish off this go come on cake cake cake cake cake cake cake Six.

Six is, with a plus five, not quite going to be a hit.

But you're getting 4d6 damage. Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake.
Six. Six is, with a plus five, not quite going to be a hit.

But you're getting 4d6 damage if you would like to use the dice roller.

So what do we need left?

So 14 is the health left.

So you have four to get 14.

100%.

You got it.

You got it.

Five.

Five so far.

Amazing.

Two.

Two.

Seven so far. Do the same thing.
From pace. Halfway to halfway.
One so far. Amazing.
Two. Two.
Seven so far.

Do the same thing.

Wrong pace.

Halfway to halfway.

One.

One.

Eight damage.

Roll one more.

You need a six.

One more.

You need a six on this one.

Come on.

So it seems.

Cake.

Six.

That's the spell for a six.

The spell for a six.

How did you know that? None of you are supposed to know that spell. One.
One. With nine points of damage.
Your joke. Nothing for the team.
Nine damage would not be enough to kill the tree. However, as I noted, fire damage gets multiplied by two against the tree.
And as you hit the tree with both scorching ray beams you don't deal nine damage you deal 18 damage the tree bursts into flames the karmah for helping my team is the dragon okay the dragon is utterly incinerated and completely dragon bones scattered in various directions. And he never even saw it coming.
He never has. Maybe for just a moment the ghost of the dragon appears.
You betrayed me. He says that to Billy actually.
The ghost comes out of the dragon's ghost. Absolutely.
And you have utterly destroyed this tree. The moment that happens, the druid Belak the Outcast and his two tree minions shake, convulse, and he goes, no, my master.
And the skull of Gulthais rises from the tree. No, it explodes.
And the staff in his hand breaks. The moment it happens, the three of them convulse and fall dead to the ground.
And every blight in the room, one by one, including the ones upstairs, including the ones spread throughout the countryside, begins to explode one by one in showers of blood. Congratulations.
We did it. We did it.
Fuck you, Nick. We all destroyed the tree and saved the village of Oakhurst.
Good job, guys. That was so awesome.
However, when you return to town, Sir O tries to place you all under arrest. Oh, no.
But that is a tale for another time. As the bard, can I write the song of this story to teach to future generations? But it's only about Hank pooping himself.
Yes, absolutely you can. Roll a performance check real quick, and if you roll well enough, your story will supersede the Paladin's story.
I would say you have advantage on this, yeah? Nine. Nine is a great story.
Everyone will be telling in the village of Oakhurst the story about Hank, the warlock who had an infinite wave of shit, it seemed, that of his body more shit than any gnome has ever had but they still believe the paladin Greg with two G's and we're still going to be taken in by the town of O'Kristen placed under arrest for joining with the tree I set you boys up for a prison break story absolutely 100% alright so that%. All right, so that was awesome, Tim.
Thank you. I had just one post-game question.
100%. How bad is Hank at this game? He got killed twice.
Well, Hank kind of fired-balled us last time, sort of. So I feel like this was a tit-for-tat sort of situation.
Oh, I remember that. He nuked us last time, and now he got killed off this time.
He'll claim you're gaslighting him right now, but you're correct. He was also about to sell us all down the river.
He was already talking to people. Yeah, yeah.
And credit to us. We didn't kill Billy this time.
That's a really good point. Billy, you survived the whole session 100%.
That's incredible. Yeah.
That was fun, Tim. Thank you very much.
That was fun. Absolutely.
My pleasure. Always a blast.
Shout out your socials. Everyone go play with Tim.
100%. Website is TimWithTwoMsWoods.com, and you can find me on Twitter.
You can find me on Instagram. And I have announced that I'll be up on TikTok now uploading videos from events like this.
Okay. And if you want to play this game or another game, you do games for us.
You can reach out to me if you go to my website. That's the easiest way to contact me.

You can fill out the form.

And I love to run the Sunless Citadel adventure.

Although now that if you have listened to this episode,

I got to create a new adventure for the award-winning listeners.

Yes.

So we'll be doing a new, probably adventure.

Unless people want to see how they can do it, the Sunless Citadel.

All right.

Well, thank you, Tim.

Thank you.

Thank you all so much.

Good job, James. All right.
Well, thank you, Tim. Thank you.
Thank you all so much. Good job, Jamie.

Appreciate it.

Thank you. I've been coming for your lover Take me on me

Take me on

Take me on me

Take me on Take me on I'll be gone What I do Something needless to say I'm all set in But I need some little play Some little fight Say after me It's the better to save time Take on me Take on me Take on me I love you. Take me out

Take me out

Take me out

Take me out