Blake Bortles, 1 Question With Kirk Cousins, MNF Recap + MLB Playoffs

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, we have a packed show for you. We have our good friend Blake Bortles talking about his retirement, catching up on everything.
We have one question with a quarterback with Kirk Cousins. He just basically owned us in the one question segment.
I hate Kirk Cousins. He owned us.
He owned us. We have listener roasts with chaps.
We have some Monday night football cleanup. Talk a little playoff baseball coming up.
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And then I can't live all on the sun Oh no, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Welcome to Part of My Take presented by Game Time, the exclusive ticketing app of Barstool Sports. Today is Wednesday, October 12th.
And what do you say, Hank? You don't think it's October 12th? That's how we start. October 12th.
The time is escaping us and the Raiders are kind of back. A little bit back.
Frisky back. They're back, but this was the most obvious Chiefs are going to win this game of all time.
Ever. When they went down, was it 17? 17-0.
Not to brag, I did live bet the Chiefs' money line, but it was pretty obvious that the Chiefs were kind of like a sleeping giant at that point, and Travis Kelsey was just not, they just weren't guarding him. They're like, okay, we're going to put 25 on him, hope that he can run with him.
No, it's not going to happen. I feel like Travis Kelsey, if the Chiefs really, really wanted to, he could score four touchdowns every single game.
Yeah, it was a very fun Monday Night Football game. Very exciting after a couple tough watches on the island games, the standalone games.
I do think that Mahomes should just be all-time quarterback.

Someone actually, in my replies, had a great rule that it should just be Mahomes

to start the season, and then if someone beats the Chiefs,

they become the all-time Monday Night Football team,

and then you just go from there.

So it's just like Mahomes is going to play on Monday Night Football every week

until they lose, and then the team that beats them deserves to get

the Monday Night Football crown, and we just keep passing off there because every game that Patrick Mahomes is involved in is fun. It's fun to watch.
It was exciting. The Raiders, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
The Raiders being a team that are fun on paper and can have deep bombs and like Josh Jacobs running everywhere and then when their defense just can't tackle anyone and you know it's inevitable they're going to lose. Yeah.
It's just nice to know like the Raiders play fun games, but they're not a good football team. They're not really a threat.
No. But they're always fun when they show up.
We also had a good little analytics debate last night. Oh, yeah.
We had a lot of debates. If there was a way to measure whether or not an actual word being spoken out loud was trending in the world last night analytics as a word was trending in the united states last night and roughing the past and roughing the pastor but the analytics after we can get to roughing the pastor i've got i've got an idea for that one too but analytics has become maybe the most overused word in the english language right now correct if joe or troy want to talk about a number that they're confused about, they just say that it's analytics.
Yes. If there's a number that makes you angry and upset or confused, you just say, oh, it's just analytics stuff.
It's bullshit analytics. Bullshit analytics.
I was saying that like, yeah, if you get a DUI or I blew a .09, fucking analytics. Step on the scale, fucking analytics on the scale.
My IQ test, analytics. But Troy was getting upset because he didn't understand what was happening at the end of games.
I actually think both calls were right. I don't know anything about analytics.
My brain doesn't understand. It's not a computer.
But I do understand the fact that if you're the Chiefs and you go for two in that instance, what you're doing is, and we can set the stage a little bit, so the Chiefs score a touchdown, right? Correct. They go up seven points.
So they could either kick the extra point and go up eight, or they could go for two. If they get it, they go up nine.
It's a two-possession game. The reverse Billy.
People were saying Billy was right. Billy was not right.
Billy, if you remember on our Sunday night debate, he was saying if you're up eight, you should go 2 to be up 10 which is kind of sweet but makes zero sense whatsoever immediate firing if the coach does that. No I had a lot of people being like Billy was right apologize to Billy it's like no no no that was never the debate I understand what the Chiefs were doing they were going from they already were up 7 they could go up 2 scores there's not a lot of difference between being up seven and being up eight but there is a difference between being up eight and being up nine just like there's not a lot of difference between being up nine or being up ten those are both two possessions yeah billy you weren't you weren't calculating in vibes i wasn't right yeah right like the vibes on analytics it's a blind spot but you should make analytics for vibes though yeah i Yeah.
You should actually have a – you should tweet how the bot tweets, like this punt gave them a 2% chance more of winning, or this going forward on fourth down was a 2.5% chance in the win column. You should just do a vibes analytics for these big Monday Night Football games and big decisions.
me know like how much this decision will make the boys buzz on the sidelines that's what i want i mean going for it on fourth and one going for a touchdown like that was based on vibes right you know what actually was you know what was a terrible vibes call by the raiders was kicking a field goal in the first half to go up 17 instead of going for it again where they were just like that's the part of analytics that always makes you laugh is that you can tell some coaches we'll just do it off vibes where it's like i the coaches that are just hey we're in or we're out you can't like choose when you want to be uh doing it by the numbers and when you don't because that's not how the numbers work brayden staley started out his career being a guy that that stuck to that now i think there is some vibes. Yeah, there's a vibe.
With his decision. Vibes analytics do not work.
So the last two decisions that they made, I think they might work. I want to see, Billy, I'm going to wait until I see your formula to make a full judgment of it, but I do want, this is an assignment.
Now, when I'm looking at you right now and I'm saying this, He's giving you work. This is actually something that you have to do, Billy.
Okay. You have to create analytics for vibes.
V create analytics for vibes. That's an assignment.
But I like both the calls at the end of the game. I agree with all of them.
I liked when the Chiefs went for two, and then when the Raiders had the option to either tie the game by kicking an extra point or go for two. I love go for two because, and this is the new wrinkle in analytics that I've learned this year.
You know how we learned about the 14 points analytics? If you tie it up, if you just tie it up, you're like essentially, it's something like you're giving them a fourth. You're encouraging them to go for it on fourth down.
Well, and it's people were playing the results after where they don't get it, and then the Chiefs end up punting. I'll just say this right now.
If the Chiefs needed to score on that last drive, they would have scored on that last drive. It was so easy for them in the second half.
It felt like every single possession, whatever the third down play was, a guy was just wide open, and they would convert it. So just from that alone, I actually agree with Josh McDaniels because you're not stopping the Chiefs.
It's just probably not going to happen. And if you do, you're not going to stop them and then go to overtime and stop them again.
Try to get a lead and then try your fucking best to hold them to a field goal. Their field goal kicker sucked because Bucker was out.

I agree with that move knowing how gassed that Raiders defense was.

Where it's like, hey guys, we got to just nut up and try to get one single stop or force a field goal attempt.

Instead of, let's tie, let the Chiefs basically get to run their offense.

And best case scenario, we'll go to overtime where the Chiefs are probably going to score again.

So I did agree with Josh Frantanos. but the other story was the roughing the passer.
I had a bet on the Raiders so I was trolling saying that it was a great call. It was obviously a terrible call.
I will say though for Chiefs fans complaining I've never seen a game where the makeup calls were so they I mean the the ref that clip of the ref the ref, the ref had tears in his throat. He was so scared.
The arrowhead is one of the last true home advantage places in the NFL, so shout out to Chiefs fans because they were so fucking loud. But it swung so hard in the second half, and yeah, we have an issue with the NFL.
The roughing the passer stuff is a problem. It sucks that it happened the day after the Brady thing because I always do think there's like one or two of these a year that you just have to be like, okay, that sucks, but hopefully it doesn't keep happening in big games.
The fact that it happened in back-to-back days definitely now feels like everyone's going to be like, there's a huge problem, and the NFL will probably overreact and do something stupid. here's what the nfl is going to do i know how roger goodell works he's going to hear what people are complaining about and then he's going to make roughing the passer reviewable yeah and a lot of people are saying they should do that chris jones was saying that's the way to fix the problem last night that's not the way to fix the problem well when it did this what's going to happen is it's going to make the problem 10 times worse because you're going to have 10-minute reviews of referees reviewing a subjective call, and then no one's going to agree whether or not it's roughing the passer or not on the review.
The ref is going to piss everybody off if they overturn it. It's going to make things so much worse.
The unintended consequences in this are going to absolutely make the problem even worse somehow than it already is that solves the problem now it's the exact same as pass interference where everyone mad yeah everyone freaked out about pass interference made pass interference reviewable everyone freaked out because it made the game annoying and longer and stupid reviews then we went back to just no review on pass interference so that's just that's the solution no here's what we do for passing uh for roughing the passer. Everyone's going to be like, this sucks.
And then we go back to the old way. Here's what we do.
It's very simple. Just get rid of the stupid fucking rule that's no landing on the quarterback with your body weight.
That rule makes no sense. Unless it helps me.
It makes zero possible. Like, it got put into place because Aaron Rodgers hurt his shoulder.
It's Anthony Barr. That's why the rule was invented, because Aaron Rodgers couldn't stand having somebody land on him.
I understand that as a quarterback, you're 185 pounds sometimes if you're Kyler Murray or whatever, and you're getting landed on by a 300-pound person. It's not going to feel good, but guess what? I'm going to pull out the that's football card.
Yeah. It's football.
Part of football is getting tackled. Dude.
And it stinks, especially if you've got so much invested in a quarterback, if they separate a shoulder because a big defensive lineman lands on them. But guess what? By the laws of physics, it's impossible for a big guy to be tackling a little guy and then to move off of him in midair.
So either, number one, take away the right to hit the quarterback at all and be like, you get two hands on him, he's down. If you shove him hard enough and say a mean word to him, that counts as a sack.
That's option number one. Or two, just get rid of the landing on rule because it's the only possible way to not have your full body weight land on somebody after you've hit them.
And I think we talked about this two years ago. It would literally be if you threw up in midair and got rid of some of your body weight before you landed on them.
But by the laws of physics, it's impossible for them to stop. So just get rid of that stupid fucking rule.
And shout out Troy Aikman showing his frustration, saying that you got to take off the dresses and just play football. Yeah.
I'm happy, by the way, that the reaction to that wasn't over the top. Troy Aikman should be canceled because I was like bracing for that.
And then I think like there was I saw a couple tweets, but it was like felt like for the most part, everyone's like, yeah, you know what? He's right. Let's fucking play football.
Let's just play football. Like that's that's a football play through and through.
There's nothing you can do about it. It sucks that guys get injured, but guys get injured all the time.
Imagine being an offensive lineman or a defensive lineman or a wide receiver, a slot wide receiver,

and knowing that you're just putting your health at risk every play, and then that happens,

and you're like, what are we doing here?

That's football. It was so dumb because he took away the ball before he even landed on him.

Right.

So Chris Jones actually became the ball carrier before he went to the ground. If anything, that roughing was on Derek Carr.
Yeah. He shouldn't have been there.
Yeah. He should have let Chris Jones fall naturally, not be underneath him.
Yeah. So just get rid of the stupid fucking rule, Roger Goodell.
Yeah, I agree. But they will do the review.
They will do that process, and then we'll get upset about the review, and then everything will get fixed. in like five years another big call will happen and we'll get mad again and that's just like the one thing i don't understand is when people are like the nfl officiating is terrible every sport has officiating problems because every like whenever there's a call that sucks everyone gets upset about it i don't really know what the like think about how much we've complained about umps think about how much we've complained about uh basketball refs like every sport has officiating issues because it's a very fucking hard job to do what do you think is the the worst refereed sport i think it's probably nba yeah people will say nba that's that was my point i saw a lot of people being like nfl has an officiating problem it's like welcome to every sport that we watch on you know what these are like superhuman gladiators running faster than any humans ever run before and uh and and their feet are like just tiptoeing along the sidelines and then you've got guys like six at least six probably eight guys that are over 300 pounds punching each other all over their bodies on any given play.
You can't see everything. You can't, the human eye can't.
And there's going to be judgment calls that get, they get wrong. So I just laugh whenever it's the NFL has officiating problems because you're basically telling me you've never watched like a Boborowski big 10 game.
I think that the, that's that. If you watch the, if you watch college basketball, you know, there's officiating problems everywhere.
I think the NFL has just a rule book problem because their idea to solve – Too many rules. Yes, their idea to solve every problem is like just make another rule.
A minute rule. Yeah.
Then everyone has to be like, wait, what is this rule? And then it takes the average fan like three years to figure out what the rule is and then they change it back because the new rule is not working. And then average fans are like, wait, why aren't we calling this? Oh, that already got removed because the rule sucked.
Yeah, we had defensive holding on a field goal. Yeah.
That was wild. That was another one of those makeup calls.
There were so many makeup calls. I likened it to the Kobe move where you cheat on your wife and then you get her a giant ring to apologize.
The ring that these refs for the kansas city fans was ginormous and it was i mean it was the patrick mahomes show it felt like he could do anything he wanted at any point the chiefs are still the scariest team in the nfl and when they like get it rolling you know it that second half it was just like it wasn't a matter of if it was just when the chiefs would just start blitzing them with points. There was nothing they could do.
The Raiders were completely helpless. Could they hold on? They barely did.
Thanks to Derek Carr just bombing it to Devontae Adams a couple times, which that was a sick pass. Yeah, it was.
And Devontae Adams, the other story. There was a lot of stories out of Monday Night Football.
Devontae Adams pushing a camera guy. Obviously, I had fun with it and was like, oh, he learned this in Green Bay.
But then Devontae Adams, his apology was quite something. He said, I want to apologize to the guy.
There was some guy running off the field, and he ran, like jumped in front of me coming off the field, and I bumped into him, kind of pushed him, and he ended up is that is a he must not realize that we all watched it because that would that's the lightest like saying someone ran in front of me and I kind of pushed him we saw it you shoved him the guy jumped right out in front of a big cat he was he came out of nowhere it was like a guy hearing the status yeah it was it was the deer defense in which case if you're driving a car they tell you to steer into the deer because it's safer that way. Devontae Adams, maybe the funniest part about this was he was wearing a helmet that said stop hate on the back of it as he's shoving a guy over onto his head.
It was a nice little cherry on top where it did feel like there was five different storylines that came out of this game. I think maybe my biggest dad take that I have when I'm watching football these days is when somebody runs somebody over on the sideline, whether it's a cameraman or someone holding the giant satellite dish that picks up the sound, the audio.
I love it when a player stops everything that they're doing, bins over, helps them up, pats them. Maybe their hat fell off in the collision.
They pick up the guy's hat and put the guy's hat back on his head and then runs back out to the field. That should be a reverse penalty.
That should be you get five yards. You get an additional five yards for that.
Yeah, just helping the people on the sideline. I had a PTSD flashback because that second to last play, Devontae Adams didn't get his both feet in bounds.
Matt Nagy was standing right there, weaving it incomplete in, in the ref's face. Oh, good call, Matt.
And I was like, oh, God, where the fuck did he come from? And the Hunter Renfro, Devontae Adams just running into each other. That was so Raiders.
That's where it's like, yeah, it's good to know the Raiders are still the Raiders. They lead the league in just stupid shit that happens to them, and you walk away from a game being like, I think they're good, but they can't stop doing stupid shit.
Yeah, I mean, the Chiefs winning that game against the Raiders was a, it felt like a no-brainer, even when they were down by 17 points. I actually think the only way that you could have it so that it was remotely fair with the Chiefs playing in these types of games, if Patrick Mahomes was the Chiefs' field goal kicker, I think that would kind of even things out.
If you just took away their ability entirely to make field goals, but you also still made them... That would just make them better.
No, no, but they have to try. They have to try.
Just pretend that they have a bad field goal kicker. He'd be awesome.
You know he'd be awesome. He's awesome at everything.
If you get Patrick Mahomes pissed off on the sidelines, you're fucked. And he was out there, he was doing the like, I'm ham.
Yeah, he was mad. And he was.
I'm here. It was a crazy game because I took the Raiders plus seven and a half.
And they were covering for literally all 60 minutes. And all 60 minutes felt like torture because of Patrick Mahomes.
Is that scary of a player and that good of a quarterback? Yeah, I've got some stats here. So we're talking about the roughing the passer, the one against Tom Brady yesterday.

This was fascinating from recurring guest Warren Sharp.

This is something that we need to remember during the playoffs.

So Jerome Boger was that referee.

Since 2016, home favorites in divisional games with Jerome Boger

are 18-3 on the money line.

In the same 21 divisional games,

home teams are 12-7-2 against the spread with Boger. Home favorites of seven points or more in that 21-game span are 4-2-1, and divisional games hit at 60% clip.
And Boger has officiated four Buccaneers games in the Brady era. Tampa Bay is averaging 32.5 points per game at home.
That increases to 35.5. So Jake, if we get Jerome Boger as an official for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the playoffs, it's hammer time, hammer time, hammer, hammer time, absolute hammer time.
Um, so yeah, that was, I mean, it was a fun game. You can't really ask for more out of monday football to have like six different storylines come out of this game and i still i still think the raiders aren't that bad no they're good i i know no no i'll go one step further i think that they're good they're just not good at winning football games right there i would say they're good at playing football games not winning football games and they have they could they could rattle off some wins coming up like they could get back in this.
Texans, Saints, Jaguars. That feels like Texas Saints, Jaguars, Colts.
That feels like a 3-1 stretch for them. I'll put it this way.
Even though they're 1-4, I still think they're a much better team than the Denver Broncos. Yes.
They're much better than a lot of teams that have two, three wins, including. Including the Bears.
Including the Jets, I would say. Even though no disrespect to the Jets, I think the Raiders probably are a better team overall.
Yeah. But yeah, you are what your record says you are, so I guess I can't make that argument.
Billy, you should be happy. Jets are 3-2.
They're going to have a great game against the Packers. Oh, also really? I think so.
think so this was a great moment and part of my take accidentally just fucking nailing something on Monday when we were wrapping up with the Giants game and how their offense reminds us of the Chiefs speaking for myself I don't know if you knew this but Kafka is their offensive coordinator who was the offensive he wasn't like the coordinator that was but he was like helping like helping with calling the play yeah he was in kansas city so that's they are running yeah like the chiefs offense just without all the fun players with anyone without anyone yeah yeah um okay let's do some mlb playoffs and college football talk uh brought to you by our friends at curve it's football season which means you're buying beer snacks maybe even a new couch for the most premium watching experience whatever you're buying if you're using a card for any purchase big or small you need curve curve combines your entire wallet into a single card and app with curve you upload your cards into the curve app then when you use curve you can swipe and indicate what card you want to use or you can assign your card for certain purchases with smart rules feature maybe you want a specific card to cover over $100. Well, a different, more rewarding card to pay for groceries.
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Let's start with baseball. Jake, Yankees, the Jankies, how we feeling? This is recording before game one.
We will do, once the playoffs get deep, we will be recording after some of the playoff games. But this is your part of my take preview of the ALDS and NLDS, even though you'll be listening to this and the Game 1s will already be done.
How are you feeling, Jake? Yankees' bullpen is a little beat up right now. F.
Rossway, I believe they got from the Cubs at the deadline. He's getting Tommy John surgery.
We talked about Chapman being off the team. That's kind of addition by subtraction, though, right? A little bit, yeah.
He kind of stinks. These starters, you pay Gary Cole all this money.
He's got to go six innings tonight and one-run ball or two-run ball. He wanted to be a Yankee.
Burn your pinstripes, bro. Yeah, that's it.
In game two, they'll have Cortez, who's been a pleasant surprise this year. The starters have a lot of weight on their shoulders.
So is this World Series or bust? It has to be. Every year.
Say every year? For the Yankees, of course. There's been a lot of busting.
Yeah, it has been. Well, no, they made it to the World Series 2017.
Nope. No, Cashman said that they made it because the Astros Chief.
Yeah, you got a point. He said they basically made it.
So, Jake, wait. If it's World Series or Bust and it's like that every year, then certainly they've made some changes at the manager position.
Yeah, they have. If they don't.
Oh, they have? Yeah. They fired Joe Girardi five years ago.
Oh, five years ago. But I feel like Aaron Judge.

Aaron Boone.

I'm sorry, Aaron Boone.

He gets to the World Series.

If he makes it to the World Series, then he's like manager for life

because right now his expectations are just like.

They fired Girardi after ALCS game seven, the buzzer game.

Yeah, but his job is basically just like.

Sorry, that was 2019.

Make it to the World Series.

But 2017, he lost the Astros too.

And if you make it to the World Series, then we're happy with you.

I think that the expectations are lower than they have been. Yeah, here's the thing.
They are not the favorites by any stretch. No, it's the Astros and Dodgers.
Houston, Dodgers, and even the Braves. They're hot right now.
But it's still World Series at Boston. How are we feeling about the fight in Phils? I feel fantastic about the Phils right now.
I think you've got that energy in the clubhouse. I like this.
It's like the wild card team that's getting hot right at the right time. Everyone seems loose.
They're having fun. Schwarber is a fucking beast.
I know that you agree with me on Schwarber. He's one of the most likable Phillies players we've seen in such a long time.
He's one of those presences out there that you're just like, like i want to hang out with that yeah he's good to like everyone feels that way he's good to balance out bryce harper's bryce harperness sometimes yeah because bryce harper he can he can rub people the wrong way and but if you have kosh warber on the team say okay the the team's somewhat likable he's that he's that likable that it's like okay i will root for this guy no matter who else is on his team i mean i still love I mean, I still love Bryce Harper. I don't want that slander out there.
I think he's a great guy, great player. I do, too.
He brought a World Series to Washington. But Schwarber, Schwarber.
But Schwarber is Schwarber. There's no Schwarber.
Yeah. But it's one of those things where it's like, this is a team that I'm actually happy that they went into the wild card, won two games in the wild card, picked up some confidence, because I think if they came right out of the playoffs and started to play the braves they'd be fucked because baseball is such a game of confidence and it's such like you need to get yourself rolling and the braves are a better team but if you can ride some momentum into a game with a better team especially in baseball you can still win and this is gonna be great if they just get smashed today yeah yeah yeah when we were listening to this and it's like braves braves won like nine nothing yeah well did you see what brian kenney said yesterday on mlb network no i did not so no i mean he was trending it was like a pretty big story he basically went well not basically he went on mlb network and said that uh uh shit what's the dude's name the pitcher from the Padres.
Musgrove musgrove he went on mlb network and said musgrove was cheating oh and buck show walter was correct in calling him out and he used spin rate to justify it he's like look what the spin rate was but i saw padres pitches uh compared to what it was in the regular season and he was like make no mistake about it i'm not ins'm not insinuating he's cheating. I'm telling you he was cheating.
Yeah, so that was Buck Showalter said that they obviously can track the spin rate in a game, and they were like, yeah, his spin rate's crazy. But then I saw someone explain it as like he was throwing harder because it's the playoffs and his velocity was up, so the spin rate was also up.
I don't know. All this stuff is like the mets we talked about on sunday but that was a very pathetic way to go out to accuse the guy of cheating because you only get one hit and then still do the trumpet his ears were shiny his ears he's got big ears they were very shiny he has big ears and uh yeah i mean i'm i'm looking forward to the padres dodgers those teams fucking hate each's going to be fun.
I hope Machado does something stupid. Yep.
And I think we said this on Sunday, but everyone in America should be rooting for the Mariners. Let's go Mariners.
What do they do with the shoe? What's the shoe thing? What do you mean? The Mariners. Can you look that up, Jake? When they flashed to the Mariners' stadium during the Blue Jays series, because they had a bunch of people in the stadium watching from Seattle, like half of them had their shoes off and had them on their heads so it's some cool thing you need a cool thing to win a world you do like remember the rally monkey yeah like you need something like that so i don't know what it is but it was more like it was one guy i saw one guy without a shoe and i was like that's weird and then i saw multiple people i was like okay this is something we just don.
Yeah, one guy put a shoe on his head, and I guess news just spread. That's it? That's what I'm seeing.
I love baseball so much. It's so stupid.
That just becomes a thing. And you know what? You need that thing.
You need one of those things to rally the guys around. Sounds like the Abe Simpson story.
Just like, I put a shoe on my head, which was the style at the time. Right, right.
And it's like, I put a shoe on my head and we got a hit. So now we put our shoes on our heads.
A fan named Ben put a head on his shoe at T-Bomba Park. Watched party before the eighth inning.
They got a few hits and soon everyone had the shoes on their heads. You know what happened next.
The rally shoe is officially being kept for the Mariners Hall of Fame. Okay, so we're in for the rally shoe.
I'll do a rally shoe for sure. You just take your shoe off and put it on your head.
Can we get Rally Shoe Ben on the podcast? I want to talk to Ben, the guy that invented it. The Rally Shoe.
It was a Birkenstock. It was? Yeah, of course.
That's perfect. Yeah.
I do like when they show the Seattle crowd and there's still like five or six people wearing masks. Like, stay strong.
Yeah, we got the Seattle. We're still going for this.
Okay, I'm excited. Hank, are you nervous at all about the Yankees? You don't care.
You don't even think about the Yankees anymore, right? No. It doesn't even cross your mind? No, and honestly, I am a sucker for good content.
I wouldn't hate them going to the ALCS or World Series and then losing. And that's a tightrope situation, but...

Yeah, we gotta figure out just

what the casual fans should be rooting

for here. It's Mariners.
I think Mariners, but

if the Mariners lose, then I think

it becomes the Astros beating the Yankees

again and getting to the World Series.

I think it's Mariners rooting for

the Astros or the good guys again?

No, I'm rooting against Yankees

and Yankees fans. I think it's Mariners

and Kyle Schwarber. I have a Mariners

Thank you. I think it's Maritans.
Are you rooting for the Astros or the good guys again? No, I'm rooting against Yankees and Yankees fans. I think it's Mariners and Kyle Schwarber.
I have a Mariners future. I'm a big Seattle guy.
My World Series pick. Yeah, I put a Mariners future in September.
So I'm rooting for them. I hope they beat the Yankees in the ALCS and then beat the Phillies in the World Series.
That's my best. I like that.
I'm rooting for Phillies and Yankees because that was my World Series pick before the season started, but I'm also very much rooting against the Yankees, against the Astros, because it would be very funny to see them lose that. But it is true.
We need the Yankees to win a series. Yes.
And no offense to the Guardians, but they just feel like twins adjacent. Maybe that's just because they play in the same division.
But it feels like the Yankees always handle those type of teams. And then they lose to the Astros or they could lose to – Literally only the Astros.
Yeah, pretty much just the Astros. They were the Red Sox last year in the wild card game.
But besides that, 2015 Astros wild card game, 2017 Astros AOC was 2019, Astros AOC was 2018 was Red Sox. Yeah.
Did you hear how mad? They lost to the Rays in 2020. Did you hear how mad Jake gets when people disrespect his Yankees? Yeah.
I would just rattle off like 20 losses. Yeah.
Besides that, the Yankees have been winning every World Series. I actually, there's one other wrinkle that I wouldn't hate happening.
That would be Braves-Guardians because then Guardians fans just being like, why do they get to? Yeah. And just have that be a whole storyline where it's like you have the Guardians getting chopped in Atlanta for the World Series and they're just like, this is fucking bullshit.
Guardians fans just looking at that being like, oh man, I wish we could bang that drum. Okay, so that's my other option.
This is going to get people upset but no one would care about that World Series. Yeah, I'd agree.
There's a few. Like Cleveland fans and Atlanta fans, but the national media and attention of sports.
A Padres-Guardians World Series would be, and on this podcast, we only care about the ratings of the sports we're watching. We don't care about the sports.
So if we find out, like ifres and Guardians play seven incredible games and it's an unbelievable World Series, but then we find out it was the lowest rated World Series in 20 years, I hate it. I hate it.
Because that means no one was watching. Can't have it.
If it was a competent commissioner, then he would have it be the Yankees and the Dodgers in the World Series. Yankees, Dodgers, Yankees, Phillies would be great too.
Yeah, but I'm talking ratings-wise. That way you get both coasts.
Yeah, you get them both involved. Yeah, we were supposed to have that a few years ago.
Didn't pan out. Billy, last thing about baseball.
Yankees, Braves is still in play, my prediction. Oh, nice.
Yeah, we got a lot. We actually were pretty good.
Same. We kind of nailed it.
Okay, college football. Not a lot.
Not a lot changed except the fact that Alabama, it feels like everyone, well, we talked about JMU on Sunday. It feels like Alabama, it feels like Ohio State is now the team that is ascended where they haven't had the little hiccup.
Like Georgia had a hiccup against Missouri, survived. Alabama had a hiccup against Texas A&M survived.

Is that just a conference thing, though?

I don't know.

I don't know.

That's a good question.

But it feels like Ohio State did become the favorite.

So that did happen in the last week.

And we have a huge game, Alabama versus Tennessee. Like, this is the final boss for Tennessee to be all the way back.

I don't know.

It would be incredible if they could pull off the upset.

I'm Hanks shaking his head no.

I don't know. It would be incredible if they could pull off the upset.

I'm Hanks shaking his head no.

I'm going money line on Tennessee.

Yeah.

I think this Tennessee – well, it depends on if – what's his name?

Cedric Tillman's back?

Yeah.

Well, and also I would say Bryce Young is probably the more important.

Yeah, but I think for Tennessee's offense, obviously,

they've been playing pretty well without him at wide receiver. But I'd be very very nervous i mean the tennessee defense is the secondary is bad bad bad i think it's going to be a fun game to watch very fun very fun and we have you know utah usc that's gonna i i'm not allowed to do a game of the year till november but utah is going to demolish us I'll say that.
That's just candy-ass football versus man football. What happened with Brian Harsin? A lot.
Yeah, a lot's happened with Brian Harsin. Where do you want to start? Over the last five, six years.
But he was the can't-miss guy from Boise State. But he was also the weirdest hire ever for Auburn.
Auburn made no sense. Auburn hiring a Boise State guy made no sense to begin with.
Then there was some off-field message board shit in the offseason. He is just a dead man walking.
That team is so bad. I also, Auburn feels like a job that would just be miserable to have.
I know that a lot of college jobs would suck, but Auburn's probably the top of the list of jobs that are good like a good school that has national title uh hopes and can win national titles but goddamn that job would suck because you basically have to like they've hired they've fired their national title coaches and you have a job where you're never going to be alabama but everyone expects you to be well you they do give sweet buyouts. Huge buyouts.
So that's really the attraction of it. I think the move right now is just get somebody as young as possible with the understanding that Nick Saban is probably, hopefully not going to be there for another 10, 15 years.
He's probably not going to die ever. He's probably like, he's going to be like Ted Williams head just frozen inside somebody else's body playing.
Colin plays there for the next 25 years. But doesn't Auburn – That's really – It's the ultimate careful what you wish for job because it is like a premier – You're an SEC head coach at a program that has won a lot.
Even when they don't win national titles, sometimes they win national titles. Like back in – What was that, 2007? Right.
When they got that – they were the third team that got left out like they're they're a good program with a lot of good players that go there but also at the same time like look who you have to play every year it kind of sucks and the fan base feels like they're always upset yeah it feels like they're just perpetually like not happy with what they have so i yeah that will be an interesting they should just fire him now because it feels miserable for him, and he's going to get killed in the Iron... Although the Iron Bowl is always...
Who the fuck knows? It would also be perfect if Auburn somehow beat Alabama in the Iron Bowl and then saved his job. I think that that's not going to happen.
No, I agree, but last year you wouldn't think that they were going to be competitive. They almost won that game.
That's one of those rivalry games you've got to throw out the record books. True.
Yeah. Also, Texas is back.
Yes. Big time in the Red River Shootout.
Excuse me, the Red River S-out. Showdown.
Showdown. Showdown.
The Red River S-down. Not the shootout.
I saw some stat. I forget what exact it was, but basically whenever the Longhorns and the Sooners, whenever neither team is ranked

going into this game, Texas just

beats the shit out of them. And this was an old

fashioned ass kicking. 49 to nothing.

Texas is back

and they're in the perfect spot where they don't

they're not going to make the playoff, but they can have

a good enough season and people are like, next year?

Yeah. Next year we're going to make the playoff.

They can have a good enough season

to then get angry at the end and be like, man, all we needed was a couple breaks, a couple other teams to lose, and then we would have been fine. They're in the camp now where you can, before we get to the 12-team playoff, the teams that end up on the outside looking in for the 14 playoff can just say if we had a 12-team playoff, like out.
They have that. Yeah, we got a couple good bounces.

If a couple years you can fantasize about what it would have looked like if you had made the playoff. Yeah, I know we did talk about JMU a little bit on Monday, but I got to experience something earlier today for the first time that it blew my mind.
I was looking ahead to this weekend to see what the matchups were, and I was trying to find the JMU game to see what the spread was going to be. I got to click on the top 25 list on the app to see where JMU was going to be.
That's a fucking cool experience. It's fun.
Yeah. That's good.
I could get used to that. Yeah.
That is a fun thing to be able to do. Yeah.
And you're going to buy them rings. I'm hoping that JMU goes undefeated because it would be fun for you to be able to claim a national championship game with at the same time i don't think i've ever been around someone who's gotten so far ahead of themselves he was literally mumbling on sunday being like i'm gonna buy them rings yeah like we're gonna win every game i'm gonna buy them listen if we if we get if we get to claim a national championship by going undefeated i'm buying them them rings.
I have to. Pizza party for the boys down in Harrisonburg.

Yep.

Fire up the Chinellos.

We're delivering it.

Oreos.

I will personally deliver Chinellos to the JMU team if they go undefeated.

Love it.

Love it.

So that's something to do.

That's how you motivate the boys.

Let's go.

Yeah.

Free pizza. Can we all get behind the boys on this podcast?

I will absolutely throw in.

I will throw in for the pizza party.

This is a Cinderella story.

I'll throw in some wings.

Okay. I'll match.
Okay. Billy? I'll attend.
Okay. Hank? I'll throw in some part of my cheesesteaks.
Okay. There we go.
Okay. So now they're going to be eating for weeks.
Giant pizza party for the boys. Yes.
Yes. Okay, let's do some hot seat, cool throne.
Then we get to Blake Bortles. And we have Kirk Cousins and Uncle Chaps on the other side as well.
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Hank.

My hot seat is Twitch.

Uh-oh.

They had TwitchCon this past weekend.

Oh, yeah.

It's like a big, they have a bunch of streamers come out. People can do meet and greets.
It's a whole big event in San Diego. One of the streamers, Adriana Chechnik, who's a Twitch streamer.
Known for streaming, yep. Yep, Twitch streamer.
There was a foam pit, and she jumped into the foam pit or what you would think is a foam pit. It was basically like MXC.
It's MXC. It's the – remember the old – I think it's Chinese game show that they dubbed over? Yeah, yeah.
And they would have like three walls, and you'd have to just – people would try to run through them, but one of them would just be a wall. Yeah, yeah.
That's basically what this was. It looked like a foam pit where you jump into it.
She jumped, and just – it wasn't really foam, and she just broke her it was it was foam that was put on a concrete slab and they're supposed to have a trampoline underneath and multiple people got injured but she broke her back in two places and it was an all-time like watching the video seeing her someone's like are you okay and she's like yeah and then immediately she's like no i can't move you know what mxc is pft you you know i do not When they're slipping and sliding up the thing And she's like, yeah. And then immediately she's like, no, I can't move.
You know what MXC is, PFT. You know what it is.
I do not. When they're like going, they're like slipping and sliding up.
It's a dubbed over. I can imagine what I've seen.
I've seen those types of game shows before. So I get it.
And I did see this video clip. And so it seems like it was just entrapment, right? If you put, it was a bunch of foam blocks out there.
If I saw that, I would jump onto that. It seemed like, I don't know.
That was a a it was just a foam pit that didn't have the pit part yeah and shout out the nerds by the way just the fact that like comic-con and what was what was this was this comic-con twitch-con twitch con all the nerds like have just become like porn stars and nerds are just one big venn diagram it's like they've had the best come come up ever where it's like this this is what Comic-Con or Twitch-Con, it's just, they're all there together. So, shout out to nerds.
Nerds have had a nice year. Fucking analytics.
Yeah. What are you going to say, Billy? Comic-Con was in New York, Twitch-Con was in San Diego at the same time.
Got it. Oh, competing cons.
It's probably a real diabolical choice some people have to make. Yeah.
It's like oldgie vs. Tupac.
That's tough. That's really tough.

Okay, your cool throne?

My cool throne, I have a couple.

Just NBA, NBA talk.

Pat Bev pod launched

today with Rone. It's out

on all platforms. YouTube.
Go listen

to it. He talked about Draymond Green

punching Jordan Poole within the first 10 minutes.

Yeah, we gotta get Pat Bev to get

into a fight. We gotta get Pat Bev on the pod.
Yeah, we do have to get him on the pod. I'm sure he'll get into a fight on his own.
Yeah. And then my other cool throw is Poland.
Okay. I mean, this is one of those, like, I feel old.
Obviously, when we started doing the show, we used to do Hank Caught in the Streets. I was like the young guy.
No longer am. I'm old and washed.
Billy's kind of taking over that wall. You're turning 30 this year.
Yeah. That's...
Can we talk about that for a second? What? Hank. I've actually long said that when you turn 30, it's going to be a Saturday for me because I've known you for your entirety of your 20s.
Yeah. I knew you when you were a teenager.
You did. I've been grooming you for a very long time.
Yeah. 30.
You're going to be 30, Hank. It's...
It it's you're not supposed to be 30 you're the young

guy that's what i'm saying so this song lil yachty came all the song wait wait wait you're gonna be

basically the same age we were when we started part of my team correct next year yeah that's

what i was asking that the other day because i was like i'm not that old how old were they when

they started and i asked pft he's like 31 i was like holy and and when we're like you have a couple years because we're going to be 40 in a couple years, but we'll all be in our 30s? That's tough for you. That's really tough for you.
It's not. Just be like, hey, yeah, pardon my take.
Yeah, we've got a couple few young guys, but then the core of it that's been around forever, we're all in our 30s. Right, so it's like one of those things where...
Oh, man. I i like hang out with us wash guys gotta stick together yeah and like i used to make fun of you for like your whole 27 thing but it's like that's gonna be me yeah yeah mentally i'm 22 still uh but this song lil yachty poland it's about him just singing uh i took the walk to poland if i was still the the young guy hot in the streets i'd be i'd be saying this because the song's been stuck in my head for for like three days it's about him just singing I took the walk to Poland.
If I was still the young guy hot in the streets, I'd be saying this because the song's been stuck in my head for like three days. Maybe we'll play a little bit of the song.
It's just very catchy. It's good.
Billy? Billy made me do a TikTok with it. I did a TikTok.
It made PFT look like he thought he was taking a walk to Poland. Like walking.
Wait, what's the song called? Well, it's about taking promethazine to Poland. Ah.
W-O-K. Yeah, we knew that.
No, we knew that, Pia. Yeah, no, that's what I was saying.
So everyone's roasting on TikTok of you walking. I was like, I'm doing the young trendy thing and taking a walk to Poland.
No, no, I knew it. No, like promethazine.
No, no, but you were walking. It makes sense.
We knew that. Chopped and screwed.
Yeah, totally. So yeah, Poland's on the cool throne.
And the hot seat, kind of. Why? Belarus.
The whole thing. Yeah, that's what I figured it had something to do with.
Pootie poot. Pootie poot.
He's being a bad boy. Bad, real bad boy.
He's being a real bad boy. He's being naughty.
We should just let him play in the NHL. Dude, pootie.
That would just be fun. We're like, hey, dude, you get to play an OV's line.
And we all, like, you know what? If we just solved this nuclear crisis by being like, everyone just be cool. Let Putin score some goals.
Let's just chill with it. If I was Putin GM, it would be much easier.
You're right, in the starting lineup and just praise him. Give him the MVP.
Yeah. Like, the whole world should just kowtow to Putin and be like, okay, Putin, you can do whatever you want on the ice.
Like, nuclear war or we let Putin win a Stanley Cup? I think you just let him win a Stanley Cup. Yeah.
Like, why not? You know what? Maybe put him on a Canadian team so they can finally win a cup again. Put him on the Leafs.
That will solve, like, everything. What's the biggest difference between 20s and 30s? Let's see.
probably like when you're in your 30s, you wish that you were in your 20s. Yeah.
You don't do that when you're in your 20s. I'd say energy more than anything.
You're just tired a lot more. Your body falls apart.
Yeah. That's been tough.
Yeah. So, yeah.
Your body, you have a real tight bod right now, Hank. You're actually, I've always said that, I've always thought that 30 was actually fine because then you're just young again in a weird way.
You're like in your early 30s. It's really not until your mid-30s that it's like 33, 34 is when it's like, oh, this kind of sucks.
I think 34 is tough. Yeah.
Because that's officially, you're basically 40 once you hit 34. Yeah.
But 30 itself, eh. I mean, it's weird to say nothing will change you're gonna start you're gonna start doing the math of like well if i have a kid right now when i'm 50 then my kid's gonna be this age yeah you have a lot to look forward to hank yeah it's just i mean it's like i was saying this earlier but i i when i started here i was 19 the next oldest person was 26 i think so i was like the young person for a long time and then i've had obviously now i had this corporate role i was having like a meeting with with kids that were like 22 and i was like holy fuck like they think i'm old yeah you know what you gotta do though this is your last year of being eligible for the for the 30 under 30 list we gotta get you on we gotta get hank on a 30 under 30 list you to beat out Ravel this year.
Yep. You got this.
He's still got three more years left. Yeah, he's got three more years.
Ravel is literally the thing that I joke about. Like, I think he does still think that he's 27.
Yeah. Yes, absolutely.
Okay. PFT or Hot Seat Coltrane? My hot seat is all you guys in this room.
Because I thought we were a a family and families are supposed to give each other tough news you guys have been holding out on me for quite some I don't know how long but I had a bad visual come across my timeline the other day I actually didn't see it I saw the visual I had not seen this before I'm going to get out in front of this. Oh, yes, I did.
And I went across the street. Are you talking about being bald? I went across the street to get a haircut.
Yeah. And I was like, give it to me straight.
How bad is it back there? Yeah. The hair is starting to go away.
And that's some news that I would have hoped that my friends in this room would have given me to describe the visual no he's getting bald on the top it's actually been going on for a couple years but i was just hoping that it was like one of those things we just don't talk about well now we're gonna have to talk about it well i've always i've always had very thin hair and i've got a cowlick up there so a couple years ago last checked it out, I was like, okay, that just looks like my normal thin hair that I have.

All right, let's see it.

Take off your headphones.

Let's see how bad it is.

The visual was basically, it was the back of PFT's head.

And you could see, obviously, his long hair.

But in the picture, you could just see the back of his head.

This is what we're talking about.

I'm now running my hands through his hair.

But it's basically like, see this is what we're talking about i'm now running running my hands through his hair but he's it's it's basically like no see see this right here oh it's bad you don't have to do that well i mean i'm just telling them you again i've i've noticed it for a couple years but i didn't want to like i thought maybe you just you know you wear hats enough friends talk i have not noticed it sort of thing if i had noticed it in the way that it appeared in that picture, I would say something. It's really hard to tell your friend like, hey, dude, you might be going bald.
That's not something you can just say. Well, because I don't want to be the guy with long hair that's also bald.
That's a weird look. So now I'm kind of cool, though.
Now we've got to figure out. I think we have to figure out what to do as a podcast with this because I need some i need some help it's not easy for me to be going through this right now because i've had long hair for a long time and i'm just trying to think what my options are so as far as i can tell my options are one plugs go wear a hat wear a hat and go bald and just be the guy like uh what's his name brett michael from poison or h Or Hulk Hogan.
Hulk Hogan just held on with that bandana forever. So I could get some coverage and hold on.
That's one. Option two is I cut my hair really short.
I don't think that's a good option. But wait, but wait.
But then I just become wig guy, and I've got, like, multiple wigs that I can wear in different looks that I can get into. Okay.
I okay i'm not above that like i think that we need to have this conversation openly so that people are all part of it um option number three would be uh i guess just cutting my hair into a mullet i think you just do nothing just relax like it's it's it sucks but so i think you had a few more years you're rich get some Get some hair plugs. I could get some hair plugs.
I am rich. Get some hair plugs.
I forgot. Wait.
I swear to God, I forgot that I was rich until Hank reminded me. I can get hair plugs.
Hair plug it up. I had a college roommate.
It worked for Dave. Yeah.
I had a college roommate who was seriously going bald, and he just put cream on it every day, and he didn't lose more well i don't i i would rather thanks for i appreciate that i would rather i'm going to go one way or the other i don't want to stay where i'm at right now i'm in no man's land you're good though yeah you have enough hair that it doesn't it it only it was like a bad visual but it's not it's not something that you can notice you'd have to really see it or it has to be a really bad picture.

So you're good right now,

but it is something you're going to have to figure out later.

No, you've got to spray paint it.

You've got to get a tattoo.

Carlos Boozer.

Yeah, get a tattoo where it's like...

Billy's giving me honest.

I came to you guys for some advice.

Billy's just making it worse.

We are.

I mean, this is kind of a continuation of my conversation,

but I think you've got to keep the long hair.

Big Cat's got to dye his hair.

And I just have to figure out a way to...

We can't be...

We'll be right back. kind of a continuation of my conversation, but I think you got to keep the long hair.
Big Cat's got to dye his hair,

and I just have to figure out a way to... We can't be...

We can't be all old.

Yeah.

Yeah, we are.

We can't have bald PFT gray cat.

Well, I am gray.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Dye it.

I stopped dying it because...

Hank, that's your solution to everything for Big Cat.

Just dye it.

Dye it.

Yeah, just dye it. He just wants me to die.
No, die it. Yeah.
Fuck. All right.
I'm worried about you. Yeah, I'm sure that's really what it is.
All right, but honestly, I need some guidance, and I don't want to just let it... I just don't want to go bald.
I want to be proactive about it. Yeah, then you got to do hair plugs.
Hank's low-key beard's gray. All right, what are we doing here? Billy, you know what? You look like shit, too.
Yeah. I feel amazing.
It's because you don't have to look at yourself. Sweet.
I feel sick, bro. All right, I'm going to get hair plugs.
If anybody knows a good hair plug person for long hair, I think that's a move. Yes, I'd agree.
All right'd agree all right your cool throne oh shit yeah um that took a lot out of me emotionally um my cool throne is your hair because you're getting hair plugs yeah it's my head no blink 22 on the cool throne they're back they just released a video today saying that mark tom and travis all three of them are getting back together going on a a tour, putting out new music this Friday. I'm excited.

They're like one of my favorite bands since I was 11 years old. I'm pumped that Tom's back in the band after discovering Aliens, which, by the way, we all owe Tom an apology for calling him crazy when he left the band to find Aliens because he fucking found Aliens.
So Blink-182, please come on the podcast to discuss. and also they're playing at MSG,

which is going to be tough for me to get into

because as we found out a couple months ago, part of my take as a podcast is banned from MSG. Yes.
Kind of the bad boys. Yes.
Yes. But I did see that video.
That's some sick nostalgia that they're all back. My hot seat is Ben Simmons.
This could just be a permanent hot seat, but the Nets did an outdoor community practice, and there's just a video of him airballing like a five-footer. It was windy.
I now am starting to understand why Ben Simmons just doesn't shoot because he can't shoot, and every time he does shoot, it becomes a viral moment. It was windy, Think about that.
But think about that. It was 12 miles per hour wind.
If there was something that you knew that every time you did, people would just roast, you would never do it. It just so happens that's like a big part of his job.
But still, I can kind of get where he's coming from. Where it's like, why would I shoot when I know that it's not going to go in and people are going to roast it's like a politician they tell a politician when they're on on the road on a campaign like two things that you shouldn't do one is shoot a basketball and then the second is eat a corn dog or a corn on the cob yes because people will photoshop it lick an ice cream cone yes uh so it's it was a bad visual i'll give you that on the other hand ben simmons might become the best alley-ooper of all time.
It was a perfect alley-oop. If they just run, like, bring back the old Jason Kidd, that's offense when they had Kittles, Martin, and Richard Jefferson.
Just lob city. And just know that every time Ben Simmons shoots the ball, it's going to be a perfect alley-oop for somebody.
And it was just shocking because when you see an NBA player, you expect them to at least hit rim. It looked like any of us just walking into a gym like fully clothed in like jeans and being like, here, take a shot.
And you know, your first shot always misses by like, it's just a terrible shot. That's what it was.
The best part of it was Kyrie Irving being too high to figure out what was going on. He didn't notice.
No, he didn't notice at all. And then my cool throne is, I'm going to say the Bears, I thought that the orange jersey sucked, and then I saw they released a hype video.
So Thursday night they're doing all orange. I'm kind of into it.
And it gives the game a little. I wish the commanders would go all black.
Black and orange would be sick. Go Halloween.
Spooky. But you know what?

It makes this game that we've all been kind of low-key dreading, I would say.

I'm dreading the next two weeks that the Bears are in prime time.

It makes it a little fun.

Yeah.

Dude, the orange uniforms actually do look cool.

Yeah.

I'm excited about it.

Do you know the Bears are favorite?

That makes no sense.

They shouldn't be favorite.

Neither team should be favorite in this game.

The Bears should not be favorites.

What's the spread?

I think they're like minus one. It just shouldn't.
That should not be the case. That should not be the case.
Billy, your hot seat, Cool Throne. My hot seat is Carson Wentz.
Yeah. Have you heard the Ron Rivera comments? He was asked about what's the biggest factor in this whole NFC East competition.
He said quarterbacks. Yeah.
Sort of pointing the elephant in the room about Carson Wentz. I honestly thought PFT was going to bring this up, so I really want to hear his comments.
Okay. My comment is he's not wrong.
No, of course not. But on the other hand, it's not like the division is filled with world-beating quarterbacks right now.
Well, Daniel Jones and Cooper Rush, I don't think you'd say those are elite quarterbacks. They're playing very well right now.
We got, well, Daniel Jones and Cooper Rush. I don't think you'd say, like, those are elite quarterbacks.
They're playing very well right now. But my theory at this point, if you look at how Rivera said that, I think Rivera's trying to get fired.
Yeah. I think Ron Rivera's trying to get fired because this is very unlike Ron Rivera to throw anybody under the bus.
Like, his players all love him. He's usually very measured.
Super measured. And either Carson Wentz is a total piece of shit that makes everybody hate him.
Which I think we all know is probably the case. Which could be a possibility.
Yeah. Or two, he's trying to get fired and maybe go back to Carolina where he could do president of football operations or general manager or something like that.
That's Ron Rivera's home. It's in Carolina he is a Carolina Panthers guy when they left they like let him give a press conference on his way out saying goodbye I'm pretty sure his key still works there my theory is he's trying to get back to Carolina in some sort of capacity but you have to try pretty hard to make Dan Snyder do something competent in DC so I don't think is he's going to really need to fuck it up a little bit more to make Dan Snyder fire him.
It's it also just tells me like Carson Wentz, very fascinating. The fact that he really does feel like everyone just doesn't like him.
And I'm wondering if we'll get to a point where the NFL combine like any prospect they have a question about. It's like, let's go on a bachelor bachelor party together because like if you went on a bachelor party with carson wentz you probably figure out right away like i don't really like this dude bad hang yeah bad hang that's what they need to start doing we we are open to do this for any team that wants to hire us to just hang with someone and just see what they're like because we would have snuffed this out right away but yeah i thought alex smith was his comments were correct he's like dude ron ver you're a defensive coach like how about you work on your defense you know like this is it's kind of crazy to throw your quarterback under the bus like this carson wentz is fourth in passing as he said and i think their defense is 26 yeah no their defense is bad i mean also at the same time like if we're watching cars Wentz, he's not the fourth best quarterback.
No. He hasn't played anywhere near like the top 10 quarterback.
When he's at his best, I would say he's like in those plays, Carson Wentz could be inside these self-contained plays where he's like stepping up in the pocket, throwing a deep ball. He could be a top seven quarterback in those plays.
The problem is the rest of the plays, including the last three of the last game where he threw three consecutive interceptions. Only one was picked off, but three consecutive interceptions at the goal line.
It's not good to have your coach just... You knew that Ron Rivera went into that press conference with a grenade in his hand

and then just knowing he was about to pull the pin.

Yes.

He's been around the NFL long enough to know exactly what was going to happen.

That was not an out-of-context mistake.

No.

And your cool throw, Billy?

A couple quick ones.

Travis Kelsey fantasy owners.

Christian McCaffrey.

The Bills are coming after him.

That would be electric.

Would be electric.

I love whenever a team goes all the way in, and they're like, what do we not have? A running back. That would be electric.
That would be electric. And then last one, Tom Brady.
He was asked about the roughing the passer stuff, and then he just said, I don't throw the flags, I throw tablets. Nice.
Nice little job. That That's great.
That's funny. Jake, your hot seat cool thrown.
My hot seat celebration. So the Phillies reliever David Robertson is out of the NLDS after celebrating a Bryce Harper home run in the previous round.
Ooh. What happened? Restrained his right calf, jumping in the air.
Damn. That's such a baseball injury.
I'll bet he's in his 30s.

That is such a baseball injury. Well, he's been around.

He's on the Yankees.

He gave up the home run that people thought Jeter's last game was fixed

because he gave up the home runs to force the bottom of the ninth.

Yeah, he is 37.

There you go.

That's what happens.

Because he was very good on the Yankees.

My cool throne is Bronny.

Bronny signed an NIL deal with Nike. Get this.
Wait, he did? How did he get that connection? He's 18 years old. How old was LeBron when he signed with Nike? I thought LeBron.
Wild. Wild.
18, his dad? Yep. That's crazy that he was able to get Nike on the phone.
Yeah. So he got an NIL deal because he's a really good basketball player.
Correct. That's the only reason why.
On and was like this guy looks good like i think that was their eyeball they're like i've got my eyeball and i think this kid's gonna be good one day yes yes so good for brawny good for brawny okay uh let's get to blake portals um i i don't i don't want to correct jake on this because i might be wrong yeah but i might take a shot at it. Wasn't LeBron James an Adidas guy? I saw that he was 18 when he signed with Nike.
I'm pretty sure his school might have been. I think his school might have been.
Yeah, they dropped the bag. They had a chance at him.
The only thing I saw is that he was 18 when he signed with Nike. Okay.
He could have been. You could be right.
You're probably right. I probably just remember him wearing the high school jersey that had the Adidas on it.
I'm pulling it up right now. Yes.
Yes. Yeah.
His high school jersey was Adidas. Okay.
Yes. Yes.
Okay. So Jake's right.
Apologize. I apologize.
Oh, you were right too. Oh, thanks, Jake.
Well, no. I mean, not really., no, Jake's right, too.
Oh, God. We're both right.
All right. Let's get to Blake Bortles, brought to you by our friends at Muggsy Jeans, the greatest jeans ever made.
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Everyone's like, you wear jeans when you get home yeah because they're mugsy jeans they feel like sweatpants so you can wear them comfortably while uh doing anything around the house watching football and the clutch jeans are here and they are great so head to mugsy.com and get your clutch jeans today before they're gone use promo code take for 10 off your entire order with free shipping that's code take for 10 off the most clutch jeans ever made at mugsy.com thank you to mugsy one of our favorite favorite sponsors been loyal to us for a very long time mugsy.com use code take for 10 off your most clutch jeans ever made they're the perfect jeans if you want to look stylish but feel comfortable mugsy.com promo code take okay here he is blake portals okay we now welcome on our very good friend recently retired blake portals uh he broke his retirement last week he got a bunch of requests for interviews he said he's doing an exclusive with us so let's just start there what is what did it like walk me through what happened after you retired on this show uh and quiet quit the nfl was it just chaos it was yeah so i mean i technically retired twice i retired like four months ago, told like friends, you know, family and close friends, and nobody really bothered me. It was great.
And then after, you know, we spoke last week, then it was just kind of a flood of texts. And, you know, a lot of people just like saying congratulations and whatnot.
But if I get more than like two texts within two hours, like my brain just melts down and i can't handle it so the overflow of of text messages and phone calls was a lot i'm still getting back to people i'm working on it wait so yeah the the one thing i thought of like you did tell your agent that you were retiring right because i thought like that would also be very blake if you just didn't tell your agent and he had been out there trying to get you on a team

and you're like, no, I actually retired, dude.

And that was how he found out.

Somebody told him that I told you guys.

I was like, shit, he's dumb.

No, I told him.

They changed it.

I think in the old CBA, you used to have to put retirement papers in

and it was out there unofficial.

And now if you're just not on a roster for 12 months,

I think they just deem you retired.

So that was the route I was going.

They put you in that bucket. That's weird.
So wait, what about people who are saying, Blake, you should sign a one-day contract to retire a Jacksonville Jaguar? Have you considered doing that? I haven't. I don't know.
I feel like you've got to play more than five years in a place to do something like that but i think that like i don't know if i made it long enough the city of jacksonville does love you though like there are a ton of jaguars fans that just love blake bortles i feel like i don't know we could reach out to tony what if we got you a one-day contract for just like a shitload of money of money, though? That'd be kind of cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If we could build some money into it for just a press conference and some photos.

Yeah, it would be fun.

So how does the body feel? Like, you alluded to it that your arm felt like shit after playing, like,

backyard football with some kids in the neighborhood.

Do you think you could keep playing, or is it you're just like,

I'm ready to be done physically with the rigors of being in the NFL? A little bit of both or a lot of things, I guess. My body's fine, you know, ripping the vortex around a couple of weeks ago, did a number on my shoulder.
But, you know, it's just from not throwing like I could still throw. I'm not the same as I was, you know, when I started in the NFL.
I've had some right arm nagging stuff that I think has affected me a bit. And on top of that, it was just I was kind of – I was ready to go.
I was ready to be done and do something else and, you know, try and go elsewhere in life. Wait.
So what what is this something else what's the next chapter for Blake Bortles I don't know I keep you know I haven't I made a LinkedIn page so we'll see if that gets any hits but I think my lack of uh my lack of uh work history might be slowing that down. I don't know.

What are your passions?

What are you,

what are you into?

If you,

if getting paid didn't matter,

what would you do with your life?

I mean, I enjoy playing golf,

like outside of football,

but play golf and hang out.

I was never big into like fishing or hunting or anything like that.

I mean,

really as a hot,

like got two little kids.

So, I mean golf that's i mean that sounds like a pretty good like what do you like doing hanging out and playing golf yeah i think i actually just hang out and gambling what you just said actually tells me that your career path should be being retired. It sounds like being retired is the perfect job for you right now.
That's right. So, and then, I mean, you can start the senior tour at 50.
So I've essentially got 20 years to get ready for that. That would be great.
Has anybody ever done that, like just played the senior tour without playing on the PGA tour? Spent half their life training for it and then turned 50 and then was like, let's see if we can do it. That should be your goal.
What are you shooting? I'm all over the place. Usually like around 80 is where I'm at.
Sometimes play well and break 80. Sometimes play bad and shoot 90.
So it's all over the place. That's pretty good golfing like, what are you going to miss the most from your NFL career? I mean, I guess you've been retired without us knowing for a while now, so it's already set in.
But is there one thing that was, like, maybe keeping you, like, ah, I kind of wish I could go back? I mean, outside of the fact that, like, it's all I ever did and knew you know it just becomes that was the routine and the daily you know kind of schedule you're used to having that and being in that for so long you know having that lack of structure and and you know time commitment and all that um I mean every like all the cliche stuff you miss hanging out and BS some guys in the locker room, but I had, I've had like a couple of days where I woke up and like, we have

football, we have a little boy.

So there's balls all over the house.

And like, I see a ball and it's just like, man, I'd love to just have a catch today with

somebody, you know, like, I just want to go throw a ball and play catch.

I don't really care to, you know, get hit or maybe do some of the other stuff, but I'd

love to just play catch.

Yeah. There should be a, like a dating app for just guys that want to have a catch with another guy yeah that'd be kind of cool thing you're kind of and you're also like kind of explaining a dog's life which that's awesome right so and we also got a puppy so we're bonding over playing catch together now i like that full life you i the thing i've always loved yeah loved about you blake is like it's not that you didn't care it's that you just you didn't let other things bother you or like people outside your bubble bother you and you just describing your day-to-day is awesome like it just there's no other way to describe it that's like i got two kids a puppy i golf and i hang out there's That's you are living the dream.
That's it, man. It's awesome.
I was lucky enough to be in a position to be able to do that and not worry about much. But, yeah, if being retired was an occupation, I think that's kind of my calling thus far.
First ballot Hall of Famer. Yeah.
You're off to a hot start right now. Looking back at your career, we've been talking a lot about how badly you guys got screwed over in that game in New England.

You should have been in the Super Bowl.

To my dying breath, I will say the Jacksonville Jaguars should have been in that Super Bowl against the Eagles.

But from your perspective, looking back on it, what is your favorite moment?

Like an actual moment playing football out there. What do you look back on and think to yourself, damn, that was pretty cool? One moment.
I mean, probably that game could have been it if the fourth quarter didn't go the way it went. So probably the week before that, like going up to Pittsburgh and beating them.
But really that whole year was pretty sweet. I mean, city of Jacksonville, you know, the Jags have had some bad years over the past, you know, decade or so.
But they are good fans and they care a lot. And, you know, so when we were rolling that year in 17, like was an awesome place.
The city was fired up.

People were happy to just be around town and doing stuff.

It was cool to see how they responded to the success we had.

That whole year was awesome.

But if there was one thing, it would probably be beating Pittsburgh,

and Pittsburgh is just the coolest moment

and I guess the last great moment of that season before New England New England yeah I mean that was an all-time game do you um do you do you keep in touch with uh playoff Lenny at all have you guys have you guys mend fences after he said you had bad breath because we love Leonard Fournette but we still do think like that's bullshit that he outed you as having bad breath. It is one.
No, I haven't talked to him since he made that statement. And, um, I just, I don't know how you come up with that.
You know, I got good hygiene. I don't dip anymore.
Right. I cut that out.
So you can't blame it on that. I feel like I, you know, I have slightly maybe above average.
I'd say decent breath. Okay.
Yeah.

But no,

I haven't talked to Leonard in a couple of years.

Not definitely not for that or any reason.

Just have it.

But yeah, I'd love to talk to him or see him at some point.

He's the best.

Who reached out to you when you retired?

Who was the,

who was like the biggest name or the most surprising person?

The most surprising person um the most surprising person i don't know if there was one that i was like wow i can't believe you know he or she said something there were there were a couple of people that reached out that you know i if they wouldn't have said like their name and what they did and where exactly we encountered each other at, I'd have had absolutely no idea who they were.

Um, but there wasn't really anything that was like, holy shit, I can't believe they said something.

Yeah.

What about, um, I, I, it's just, you really do have like the perfect life and you have

really, you you've, you've done it perfectly.

Have you, are you going to get your number retired at UCF? Is it no it's not because Bowser wears it yeah yeah yeah Bowser's rocking it um I don't know they do retire numbers because there's stuff I got inducted into the Hall of Fame last year at UCF I don't know if they're still doing numbers because I'm pretty sure like Culpeppers, Kevin Smith, like there's a couple of numbers hanging up,

but I think guys still wear them.

I think it's so hard in college because there's like 130 kids or whatever.

So they need all the numbers.

Yeah.

We need to get you at least your number up there.

So maybe it's not retired.

I mean, I bet UCF last Wednesday when the news broke and yeah,

they won and covered because it was the Blake Bortles night.

That's right. Yeah.
Maybe they could, I don't know. It'd be sweet if they put a five up there right next to the national championship sign.
Yeah. Or just retire the name Blake.
We'll never recruit another Blake. Ooh.
That would be nice. You have to change your name if you want to come here and play.
Yeah, that would be really nice. Are you watching football? Do you watch it? I watch some.
Like, I watch most of UCF games. Like, I was a little wary of, like, you know, how it would be.
Like, last year I was out of the league, but I was still training. Like, so I was doing stuff.
I was waiting for somebody to call me, see if we'd get in the right situation. You know, so this year it's a little different because, you know, you're not doing anything towards getting a job in the NFL.
So I was like, I didn't really want to sit around. So I've actually played golf on, I think, every Sunday so far of the NFL season.
But I'll catch – like, I'll get home and see what's going on. Watch the Red Zone channel for a couple minutes to see what's happening.
Do you know if any teams, like, reached out to your agent this offseason to get you in camp?

We heard from a couple right before the season started,

and then I don't know if anybody's reached out.

I haven't talked to my agent in a couple weeks,

so I don't know if anybody's reached out.

He's just immediately told them no and didn't relay that somebody reached out or if just nobody's absolutely called.

Wait, so who reached out?

We got to, I mean, give us at least one name.

One name.

I guess it doesn't matter.

Cleveland called, obviously,

after the Deshaun Watson suspension

when they were trying to figure some stuff out,

which, you know, who knows?

Maybe they were just feeling it out.

Let's use a different phrase maybe for that one. Yeah, that's on me.
Sorry about that. Who else? They were doing their due diligence.
Yeah, we need to know who, like, because we went to Denver and we sat with Nathaniel Hackett and we're like, if you really love Blake, you'd have him on the team. So did they reach out? Nope.
I talked to Nathaniel. Oh, I was still under contract in New Orleans the last time we spoke about football.
So we didn't talk about anything because that's, I think, tampering and illegal. And then I talked to him when I decided to retire the first time I talked to him.
Okay. So he knew you were kind of retired when you talked to him.
Yeah, I told him. I told him months ago, which I was surprised.
I didn't tell him to keep it a secret or anything. I just told him I was done.
When did you guys talk to him? It was August. And it was an all-time moment when I asked you for anything you had about Nathaniel Hackett, and you just said that his son told you you had a big dong.
Oh, Harrison. It wasn't Harrison.
It was London. London.
What a state. But he is.
Yeah. Was that like the greatest day of your life? Yeah, top five.
You have two kids, so be careful. Yeah, well, yeah, top five.
Yeah. It was probably like number three or number four.
What a great compliment to get it is i mean there's not much of you know a more mood boosting thing you can say to somebody than fresh off a training camp practice just feeling like crap and you hear a six-year-old just give you the compliment of all compliments what about the floor the floor hasn't hit you up i'm i'm like gonna be mad at some of these guys because like they don't love blake the way we like if we had an nfl team you'd be on it we'd just have you be like it almost be like a no-show construction job job you could just not show up if you didn't want to and we'd give you a check i appreciate that um no i haven't heard i heard from a of guys in like the green Bay organization, but that's probably got,

he's got definitely bigger things going on than worrying about what I'm doing.

Yeah.

Um, we're going to get back to Blake Bortles in a second,

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I'm just thinking out loud here, like, what if another team wanted to sign you to a one-day contract to retire as that team? Yeah, I'd probably do that. Like a team that you didn't even play for.

Yeah, so I could just add one more to like the Wikipedia list.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that would be cool.

Yeah, just a random team.

Seahawks.

Sign you for one day.

You look good in a Seahawks jersey.

Yeah, you would.

Or I guess like holding it up next to you.

You probably not even have to put it on.

Yeah, I think so too.

Yeah.

Great color combo.

What are you benching these days? That that's a very important question oh man i haven't i haven't benched since college like a bar what else would you bench press you do the dumbbells yeah the dumbbells that was immediately just like all quarterbacks have to do dumbbells because it's better for whatever um the dumbbells we have we have like a little makeshift weight room in the garage and it goes up to 60 pounds lightweight yeah when i'm feeling good i get after those lightweight do you resistance bands yeah a lot resistance bands working on the stretch and for the golf swing yeah what about um a lot of people were wondering if maybe now's the time to to start your construction career because you had the famous clip where sophie julia asked you what you'd be doing if you weren't in the nfl and you're like just working construction and ripping cigs so have we thought about that like it would be very funny if we just got a picture in a year of like a roadside construction crew and it's just you just having a sig during lunch break being like yeah just out with the with the fellas just doing some work there is that so uh where i could we're building a house and we had a meeting the other day with the builder and i asked him i said you know like i don't have anything to do is it okay like if i just come help you guys like you don't have to pay me i just want to be there and have something to do and you know a little camaraderie with the guys building the house and he said absolutely so we'll see hell yeah you have to send us a picture of you out there with them the whole deal you're gonna get addicted to dipping again you know that i know, yeah. That or cigarettes, you have to do, I feel like, in that life.
Yeah, absolutely. How long has it been since you've dipped? I mean, yeah, the occasional...
It's hard playing golf or doing something, and then you're with somebody, and it and it's just like uh like i don't think i've bought a can of dip in a couple years probably oh nice oh so you're just a mooch yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what i've turned into it's just like oh hey let me get one of those just bumming their soft people that's smart though that's a good way to cut down right and technically if you never actually buy the can of dip you never restart it so as long as it's not my can that's right and it can't be a problem like you can't be a problem if it's not like coming out of your pocket that's right yep so yeah no money of mine went towards this so the uh the other sophie julia clip uh wake up in the morning what's the first thing you do do you Do you still piss like right away? Every morning. Yeah.
Every morning? Is that not what you do? No, I do it because like you're my hero. And I saw that.
I was like, if I want to grow up to be big and strong like Blake, first thing I do, it's not like take your vitamins, you know, do your homework, eat your cereal. You get up in the morning and you piss.
You just go right to the bathroom. That's it.
That's the key to being an NFL quarterback. You get a great day started.
That's beautiful. I really want you to come hang sometime too in New York.
That would be nice if you just came and hung out. I feel like you never leave the state of Florida.
You're like the reverse Dave Portnoy. You don't have to worry about your taxes because you're just there.
That's right. No, I'd love to come hang out.
I've only been in New York City a couple times. Not a huge fan, but I don't fit in, I don't think, right there.
Yeah, you're a Florida guy through and through. You're very relaxed, yeah.
Yeah, you are very relaxed.

That is like your MO.

What about, are you worried at all that retiring from the NFL

is going to hurt you in Blake of the Year competitions?

Yeah, I have thought about that.

I'm going to have to find something else, right,

because Blake Griffin's obviously, he just signed a new contract, right?

Yeah.

Do you know where? Oh, we were going to squeeze him. Yep.
I was going to say Boston. Yep.
You know, Brooks is doing his thing, you know. I'm going to have to find something else to boost my resume because it's not as cool.
Like Blake Brooks and then, you know, NBA player, professional golfer, you know, part-time construction worker that doesn't get paid for it. Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know. I think, like, you are the OG Blake, so you have that going.
It's like you are the grandfather of the Blakes. Right.
We could get grandfathered in, you think, for a couple years until I can figure something else out. Yeah.
I think, like, you have a seat on the Blake of the Year competition for as long as you want it. What about doing a podcast?

Would you do a podcast with another Blake? I don't know. I've thought about it, but I feel like there's a lot of people doing it.
You guys crushed it. You got in early.
You guys are kind of the OGs of podcasting. I feel like in the sports world, everybody's kind of doing it.
And I also think that like, I would have a hard time filtering, you know, what I said into a microphone if I had to do it too often. I don't know if I'd be great at that.
And there, you know, I don't know about having certain things out there that are just there forever. They're like, you know, my kids could listen to it.
Or like my mom's going to hear, you know, I'd rather just save it for hanging around, drinking beer, telling stories. Yeah, I actually need to probably think about that a little bit.
There's a lot of bad tape of us out there. Oh, for sure.
But once you get to a point. No, but once you get to a point, it's like, yeah, I've said some shit.
What are you going to do? Like I've said so much shit, you know, like I've been taped for a decade plus every single day. I just pretend my family doesn't yeah yeah yeah yeah that's the same thing yeah you guys have done it for so long too that it's like there's nothing that you're gonna say while being recorded that's worse than something you previously said yeah that's true like you know maybe it cracks the top 10 but yeah yeah we've buried ourselves we've flooded the zone with so much crap that it's hard to make anything else stand out.

Yeah.

Do you know how much money you made in the NFL?

It's pretty cool.

No.

I mean, I know contractually what I made, but I didn't get the back half of my second contract here and then taxes.

Do you know the exact number?

It says $47 million. That's fucking awesome sounds right man that's awesome yeah dude how cool just good enough to steal some money yeah that's pretty fucking sweet like when you say it and you're just like oh yeah i did make 47 million in like years of work.
That's right. Suck it, nerds.
Score one for the good guys. Love it.
I love it. Love it.
I love it. Like, what pieces of advice do you have out there for any youngsters? Any youngsters coming up, whether it be in college football or just hanging out, just outside of sports? sports just in general yeah how how should people try to live their lives to be more like blake um i mean yeah finding a way to make some money playing a sport's always a great thing so if you're able to do that you know more power to you um i don't know man always like, even while playing football, like we kind of, it was like, you obviously, you take your work very seriously and, you know, everything you're getting paid to play football, especially as a quarterback, you know, you have to make sure, you know, that you're kind of keeping a clean profile and doing the right things and saying the right things and all that representing everybody that you know supports you um but like for me it was like you know make sure you're prepared and working hard play as hard as you can play and like outside of that have as much fun as possible and just don't get in trouble you know i struggled at times doing the back part of that but you know i think as long as you enjoy as you enjoy what you're doing, you're lucky.
If not, then when you don't have to do it, enjoy something else. What about any regrets? My life advice.
Yeah, I mean, there's a lot. No.
Come on. Just in general in life, what regrets do I Yeah I mean it seems like I mean you objectively have had An enormously successful career Like that's just a fact Like you got to the highest level Of your game you got paid what 47 million dollars Yep 47 Like from a business standpoint you are You should do a business podcast I don't think that would do well We could talk stocks, we could talk investment portfolios I give all kinds of advice The numbers don't lie You're a businessman I am a businessman yeah, it's kind of crazy to think about.
You played football. Started playing football when I was five and was lucky enough to play until I was 30 and was able to do some of that stuff.
Because if not, we might be working construction ripping six. Yes, yes.
All right, Blake, I have one last question for you. Wait, I had something before.
Go ahead. I was doing some reminiscing of my own before this interview, and I realized that the history of Blake and Super Bowls, I just wanted to rattle through these.
Maybe you have some memories or some history. But 2015, or no, 2016, part of my take was still in the womb.
It existed, but it wasn't out to the world yet. You did a casting couch interview with Eric Ebron and Jabari Price.
That was chaotic. 2016.
That was in San Francisco, right? That was in San Francisco. San Francisco, yep.
2016. Yeah.
My marketing guy was like, hey, these guys are kind of like busting into the sports world. Had i don't know had you guys interviewed any nfl quarterbacks at that time i don't think so and i that was the one where it wasn't even like a yeah it wasn't even a plan yeah because he was like we got there yeah right that's what yeah he's like nobody really knows much about him and like i obviously knew a little bit about barstle he's like i don't think anybody's doing it kind of like starts explaining it to me and i.
And I was like, yeah, dude, absolutely. Let's go to them.
That was a, that was a Superbowl that Dave had bought his flight and a house in San Francisco before the Superbowl, but like before the playoffs. And it was a famous one where he didn't account for the air when the Patriots played the Broncos.
And he's like, I just fell as I just didn't account for the air. And we had the, we had had the house and we had the the rv and we like he begrudgingly was like fine we'll just go and then we just started interviewing people on that rv and I had the picture with you where I found I don't know where I got that jersey but it was like size that youth jersey yeah yeah I looked awesome all right sorry Hank,.
2016, the party, Super Bowl party to end all Super Bowl parties. You and Jared almost burnt down the Totino's house.
I mean, that was my personal favorite memory. That's when you and Jared became my guys for life, legends for life.
That was an amazing moment coming back to the house. It smells like smoke.
And I go into the kitchen.

There's Blake Bortles and Jared Goff.

And they're starting a fire in the kitchen because they can't figure out how to cook Totino's pizza rolls in the oven.

There was an extra zero or something that got added.

We put him in there for an hour and thought it was like a minute or two and then just forgot.

Wasn't that when we were in an Uber

and Hank was just wandering down the side of the street

and we picked him up?

Yeah, I was reminiscing.

I was like, oh shit, that's Hank.

Yeah, I was trying to remember if that was you or not.

But yeah, I was like, I think we went to the house together.

Yeah, and that was also when Hank and Blake

both saw Dave getting head.

Because his windows were open in his room. Just an all-time funny night.
And then, I mean, we interviewed you in Minnesota. Wait, one other for the 2017 Super Bowl or 16, whatever it was.
Houston. Houston.
That also, I can't remember if it was you texting me or jared texting me being like i think it was you texting me being like hey do you know where jared is and i was like the next morning and i was like what are you are you really asking me like how like i don't know where jared no i think it was reversed it was reversed probably it was jared asking where blake is because we had a flight my phone died i don't know what ended up happening later that night but my phone died and we were flying out at like 9 a.m and like i remember you know kind of exiting everything and then being like they're like flights at nine don't miss it and you know just pulling up at an uber telling the guy to go as fast as possible out on the tarmac at like 8 59 just popping out like we made it yeah and that was one of those moments it was like what is my like there's one nfl quarterback texting me asking me where the other nfl quarterback is and i was like what is going on right now like what this is this is a wild thing to be in a part of but uh that was yeah that was an all-time night all-time uh party that was special all right interviewed you in atl Interviewed you in Minnesota on the bus. I don't think anything crazy from there, just in the van.
And then the Atlanta Super Bowl. That was Man of the Year year, right? Yeah, you were there for the – Man of the Year.
Atlanta. Should have won.
Do you think you got fucked over in the Man of the Year competition? Well, yeah. I didn't know Chris Long was supplying like a whole continent with water.
I don't think any of us would have gone. Somebody actually said that to him.
Like, bro, why didn't you tell us you were like supplying all of – I don't want to – It's all in Africa. It was something like that, yeah.
It was like – I don't know if it was a couple countries, but it was essentially like dude supplied like a whole continent with water. It was like, yeah, no shit.
He was going to win. And then the Atlanta Super Bowl, Patriots won.
I was going into the after party. My friends from home were there.
And then Dave and a bunch of people from Barstool also didn't have tickets to get in. So I was like, all right, I'm going to get in.
I'm just going to get in and figure out a way to get all these people in here once I get in. I saw you at the bar downstairs.
No one was even there yet. And then I was telling you my situation.
You took the pass off your neck or like, here, I'm not staying for this party. Take my pass.
I think you were there for NFL Man of the Year, too, because it was like an all-access pass that you could just walk in and out. You didn't need a ticket because you were staying at the hotel.
So I was able to take that pass and then get all my friends from and like 10 other people in one of my favorite nights i've ever had and that was all because of you that's all blake that was that was and then you got everybody in and then dave was in there for like 10 minutes and they tossed them didn't they yeah like he like came and left it was like uh yeah i forget i forget exactly what happened but that if it wasn't for that pass because I think in the previous ones, it was easier to do passbacks. And I was like, oh, I was telling people, I was like, oh, you know, in the past two I've been to, it was kind of easy to get people back and forth.
And I got in. I was like, this is going to be a problem.
Because it was like, you had to have a ticket. Once you gave them your ticket, they took your ticket.
So I was like, fuck, I need something. And Blake basically had like the gold pass.
Yeah. Yeah.
That'stime blake move like that's why you're a ride or die guy i still have the pass anything for you hang how awesome was that night for you that had to be a great time yeah i mean top top five top five nights of my life too i'd say thanks to blake thanks to blake thanks to blake any time solid um all right so i had one last question it's a roback question promo code take 20 off your first purchase qzips polos hoodies and the new roback joggers which are incredible if there's one person that we can hate for you some person who said something or did something during your career give it to us we want to just carry the legacy i know you don't care like you're the most i don't you know whatever people say shit but let us we we do care and we like to protect our friends so just you know one person we could put in our back of our brain and be like yeah that guy will carry the hate for you um i mean i don't know if there's many people in sports that like didn't have something negative to say about me at some point while I was playing. But if there was one person that – dude, I don't even know.
You know who hated me? I don't even know him. I would imagine if you asked him, he would be like, yeah, that guy sucked.
It was Chris Simms. Yeah, he did.
Chris Simms hated me. I saw somebody show me a list one time.
He ranked me as the 47th best quarterback in the NFL. And I was starting in Jacksonville.
And I was like, he's got 15 backups ranked ahead of me as a quarterback in the NFL. That guy really did not like me.
Yeah. I felt like there was a moment in time where people, like, basically propelled their career by being like, Blake Bortles sucks.
Yeah. It was an easy one, you know.
And I respect it. You got to do what you got to do to advance in your profession.
I didn't really care. But, yeah.
Okay. And then one guy who championed you.
Like, who's the one guy that was like, oh, yeah, that guy always, like, he was pretty cool. There was a couple good local dudes here in Jacksonville that I still keep in touch with.
Is that who you're talking about, like media people? Yeah, yeah. Trying to think.
Prisco? Jeff Darlington was always great. We love Jeff.
The problem was is I never paid attention to anything to anything. So like these people could have been, you know, here I am thinking like, what a great relationship we have.
And then he's on Twitter, just hammering me. And I'd have no idea.
Mark Long and Mike D rock, the ESPN guy here in Jacksonville, those two dudes I still talk to, they were always great. I love it.

I love it.

What about Prisco?

Did you ever, did Prisco, Prisco wasn't still around, was he?

It's his first name, Pete Prisco.

Yeah.

Little guy, small guy.

Yeah.

Really short.

Tiny.

Maybe, maybe when I first got here.

Put it in your pocket.

I can't remember.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Did you ever watch The Good Place?

No.

I need to.

I want to. Just because, like, it's actually a pretty good show, right? Yeah, that's what you should do That's what you should do And take advantage of the days off that you have Watch The Good Place Because they loved Blake Bortles on that show Yeah, I think I need to check that out It was a couple years ago 17 or 18-ish They asked me to come do a a little special thing in there because some guys have massive jacksonville fan in it right yeah um and it didn't work out i was it was in la and i was leaving la but yeah i might need to watch that um the other thing that i had was you remember that highlight when you were running against the pittsburgh steelers and somebody just absolutely leveled dude, and you started smiling and laughing in the middle of the play?

Yeah, TJ yelled at Mike Mitchell, and I do remember that.

It was on our sideline.

It was awesome.

I think it was a third down, too.

Yeah.

Sometimes fun things happen.

You can't help but laugh while it's going on.

Yeah.

There's also a picture of you in the Hall of Fame.

You know that, right?

There's a picture of you in the Hall of Fame with your tongue out getting just smoked.

Oh.

By who?

It's not somebody that's in the Hall of Fame.

I don't know.

I can't remember.

It's just a random picture.

Yeah, didn't we take that picture?

There was a picture of you getting just absolutely leveled. I can't remember it's just a random picture yeah didn't we take that picture there was like a picture of you getting just absolutely leveled i can't remember let me look it up um as i look this up do you know just off the top of your head who the number three all-time uh ranked player in yards per carry is in the nfl three yeah no i'm on there somewhere right i think it's you am i third all time i think it's you maybe maybe just for quarterbacks and this was before lomar jackson you know what needs to be the next is like guys that ran although there's probably nobody else even on that list that ran a 4 9 40 at the combine yeah but you were just Definitely, yeah, the slowest guy by far.
You know what it was? All the – what do you used to call it? The tackle of the man with the football. You play as a kid, you know, growing up.
Yeah, yep, yep. Get the guy with the balls, that's what we called it.
Yeah, just get that guy with the football. Uh-huh.
That's it. Yeah, you might actually be the most efficient runner in the history of the NFL when you take into account your speed versus the amount of yards you were able to cover.
Yeah. I mean, it's a wild stat that I'm on that list.
Who is like one? Someone like Michael Vick or somebody? I think Vick might be number one or two and the other guy randall cunningham the other guy

played in like 1950 i think okay um bar star yeah something like that yeah yeah but you're george george mira then oh george yeah yeah old georgie and then mike vick and then and then Blake Bortles. That's pretty cool.

That is cool. That's pretty

wild. Well,

Blake, you have to – we'll keep in touch. I do also just want to say to end it, like thank you because you bought in with us very early on, and that was big.
Like that's one of those things that when we think about, like, the history of Pardon My being cool and wanting to come on um was a big deal for us and it still is a big deal so you should you should definitely know that that's like part of you're not only part of nfl history like you can't write the story of pardon my take without blake portals you're in the pardon my take hall of fame i'm honored to be a part of it. Man, you guys have always been great.
Thanks for, you know, being a friend to me, sticking up for me. You're going to make me emotional.
I'm just kidding. Thanks for sharing your fans, you know.
I feel like a lot of fans from you guys that were great. We had great times.
And I mean, what you guys have done is so cool. And it was such a non-normal thing in sports media at the time.
Everything was so buttoned up. And quarterbacks always had to give the politically correct, down-the-line answer.
So being able to talk with you guys and kind of let it fly a little bit, to me, was always something that was really enjoyable. Yeah.
Honestly, thank you. I appreciate everything that you've've done for us you didn't have to a lot of these times so it's been it's been great to to build this relationship with you and i know that you're going to be great um on the senior tour yeah being retired 15 years yeah yeah you're going to be a great 20 42 okay hashtag 20 for you we'll caddy dude i also uh last thing um my parents still live in orlando there's like a fake twitter account that's my name and for whatever reason stuff like this is still happening but it tweeted out you know after the thing came out retired i'm gonna pursue what i've always wanted to do is you know riding equestrian horses and get ready for 2024 olympics in paris france like the news stations in orlando were like running it all afternoon that i was training for the olympics in 2024 for paris to ride equestrian so are you saying you're not no i might okay all right good good so rerun it rerun it that's right he's not closing the door yeah no we we'll stick to that.
No, but thank you guys, man.

You guys are the best.

Always have been.

All right.

Thanks, Blake.

Love you, man.

We will put you in the part of my take-all fame.

You'll be the first inductee.

Blake Bortles is brought to you by our great friends over at Instacart.

What is your favorite dip for game day?

Hank.

Buffalo chicken.

Buffalo chicken dip is so good.

What about you, Jake?

Guac. Guac, man.
What about you, Billy? The question was, what was your favorite dip on game day? Guac. Okay, a couple guac boys over there.
I like that. Just getting that guac all in your mouth.
I personally like buffalo chicken dip. I like queso.
I like salsa. I like dipping Cool Ranch Doritos into salsa.
That's one of my favorite things to do. I think you guys will enjoy that as well.
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And now here's Kirk Cousins. And now for something completely different.
Okay, we now welcome on a recurring guest. I'm not going to say good friend because he just beat my Bears.
And then I have to look at his smiling face uh it is Kirk Cousins quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings it's one question with a quarterback Kirk we each get one question yourself included my one question is a very important question I saw when you were in London after the game you did the gritty off the field do you think you killed the gritty because I don't think it's I don't it's not cool anymore after you did it uh I I haven't seen the tape so I got to see the tape and then I could give you a better answer but uh uh no there there's room for improvement there's always room for improvement we can all be better, Big Cat, but I got to watch that tape, certainly. And I would agree that anything that I do is no longer cool.
So like when I wear the plaid button down to week one, you know, it looks like I got it from Kohl's. But if Justin Jefferson wears that same plaid button down to next week's press conference, everybody in Minnesota is buying a plaid button down.

So I'm fully aware of that.

And I don't want to do anything to tarnish the gritty. It's got a lot of momentum right now.
So it's probably best if I just stay away from it. I hate that you have the self-awareness there.
Cause that makes me okay. All right.
That was a good answer. That was a good answer.
My one question. God damn it.
I don't think Minnesota needs any help buying button down. That's true I feel like they're doing okay.
Right in. All right.
Now I've got a lot of pressure on my one question because I also want to be a jerk to you, but I'm trying to think how you're going to disarm my question. So my one question is how much money do you have? Uh, I got plenty, uh, plenty.
I'll say that. And, uh, uh, how much money? Well, hold on.
I only got one question. Yeah, you only got one question.
You almost made a mistake. This is – I paused before I said anything.
Yeah. Let me think here.
So, I know both of you guys don't love the Vikings, and both of you guys don't love me. So I guess my question is, who's your all-time favorite Vikings player? Oh, that's a good question.
Great question. I would say, shoot.
I mean, the easy answer would be Randy Moss, right? But I also like John randall he was a beast back in the day i'm gonna go with cj ham i think cj ham is my all-time favorite vikings player i'm a fan of fullbacks what can i say i think he makes you look good out there i think you're a system quarterback and without cj ham as your fullback you completely fall apart yeah that's take. Okay.
I also, I mean, Randy Moss is one of those guys that even if, you know,

I don't like the Vikings, but he was so cool and so good that it was like,

man, this is hard.

He was another guy who could wear a plaid button down.

Yes.

And it would look good on him.

Yes.

Like Justin Jefferson right now is in that camp of like, I don't like him.

He plays for a rival, but every time I'm watching him, I'm like, holy shit, this guy's incredible. I'll go with Blair Walsh.
I'll go with Blair Walsh. Yep.
Yeah, Blair Walsh feels right. He's my favorite.
That's par for the course there. Okay, we have Jake.
Jake, you have one last question. One of our guys here, he has the last question to end.
One question with a quarterback. Hi, Kirk.
Jake Marsh, part of my Take Podcast.

You like that?

I do like that.

I'm liking this interview.

I've never been asked in an interview how much money I have,

and I think that's just tremendous.

Yeah, and we can't ask follow-ups.

Yeah, so that was one question with a quarterback.

I mean, Kirk, you're welcome to come back on any time for one question

with a quarterback.

We've kind of screwed ourselves in this entire segment.

It started as a joke.

I think that's a good one. with the quarterback we I mean Kirk you're welcome to come back on anytime for one question with the quarterback we've kind of screwed ourself in this entire um segment it started as a joke I don't know if you saw last week Blake Bortles retired during one question with the quarterback and then we couldn't ask follow-ups so um this yeah that this is it this is the conclusion of it and uh thank you for joining us thrilled to be on with you guys a lot of laughs uh good way to start my week and uh we'll get another question going down the road okay i hate how much i like you great i just i can't stand this is you're gonna come around on me it's gonna take time i know no you're doing it again you're doing double sportsmanship yeah no it is it's like a sick joke that i had to watch you beat the bears and then have to like see your smiling face on Monday morning, and I can't even ask another question.
So that on it. Yeah, no.
It's like a sick joke that I had to watch you beat the Bears and then have to see your smiling face on Monday morning,

and I can't even ask another question.

So that's that.

See you, Kirk.

Someday I'm going to retire, and you guys are going to be sad about it.

Yeah, actually, that's true.

That's a fact.

That's a fact.

Because half of our jokes are gone.

You do give us a tremendous amount of content.

Yes.

Maybe a one-day contract with the football team.

Who knows? Yes, yes.

There you go.

Okay, thank you, Kirk. Appreciate it, man.
Thank you. We'll see you.
Kirk Cousins was brought to you by Rocky Boots. Football season is here.
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That's 25% off your pair today at Rocky boots.com with with the promo code BARSTOOL. And now, here's Uncle Chaps.
Okay, it's roast time. It's been a while.
It's been a while since we've seen our good friend Uncle Chaps. We got to spend Sunday with him.
We got to watch the Jaguars just continue to be the Jaguars. Nothing has changed.
Don't. I thought we were going to start on a nice note today.
We're not being ugly. Something's changed.
Yeah. Yeah.
You got no beard. You got creamed.
And I'm feeling pretty, pretty good about it, boys. You look good.
It was a big-time backfire. We bet Chaps on the Jaguars-Commanders game, and the loser was going to have to get creamed, and Chaps got creamed this morning.

I creamed him in the studio, and you look awesome.

Thank you so much.

You look very good.

It sucks.

Last time, whenever I shaved and everybody made fun of me,

I had to FaceTime my wife, and she said that I made her want to throw up.

This time, she said I could still have sex with her, which is sweet.

Whoa.

Yeah, I know.

Congratulations.

Nice.

I know.

Congrats on that.

Thank you.

But back to the Jaguars. They stink? They do stink, I think.
Where are you at with Trevor Lawrence? I'm not in a good place. We've been the most reactive podcast in the world to Trevor Lawrence.
We thought he sucked. Then he had a couple good games, and I was like, he's awesome.
And now I kind of think he sucks again. I do, too.
I mean, I don't think he sucks, but he definitely sucks throwing the deep ball, which makes him suck. And they don't really have anybody that catch it either.
They don't have anybody that's super fast. But some of the throws that he's made when people are wide open, that's the reason why we lost to you guys.
That's the reason why we lost to the commanders. That's the reason why we lost to the Eagles.
Wide open throws, and he just can't make them. He's not making them right now.
Yeah, that's tough to have a quarterback that's really good at short and intermediate throws and then just won't hit anything downfield at all. It's very frustrating.
Yeah. I've never had that happen to me.
Mm-mm. Yeah.
No, you haven't read that. It's nice that you're in this grieving stage where you're like, he doesn't suck.
But then when you describe it, it's like, oh, no, that is what you just explained was a bad quarterback yeah he's year two week five so yeah so i'm riding and dying with every quarter like my opinion on trevor changes every single quarter yeah and i yeah that is a very familiar feeling where it's just like it's just everything is volatile everything every everything you see you're like there it is he finally figured out and it's like no he actually stinks. I feel like if the Jaguars can go around 500, you'd be pretty happy.
Oh, I'd be thrilled with 500. Eight wins, nine wins.
What really screwed me was that win against the Chargers because they had a bunch of guys out, and we dominated them after shutting out the Colts. So I was like, man, we are back.
The defense looked like it was flying. They could stop the run.

But now they can't.

They gave up a million yards of the Eagles. And they did dominate the Texans.

They did.

Yeah, they did.

They statistically dominated them.

They just didn't do the thing that you need to do is score points.

Right.

Throwing interceptions in the end zone, bad.

Fumbling it right near the end zone, bad.

Missing field goals, bad.

Yeah, if the end zones were at the 20 instead of the end zone,

the Jaguars would have won by like three touchdowns. They change that rule next year.
Look out, buddy. What is it about the Texans? Why do they own you? I don't know because they stink.
Like they stink against everybody else. It's kind of like we are with the Colts, I guess.
We own the Colts and have beat them, I think, like seven times in a row or at home, and the Texans dominate us. Nine in row against the shitty Texans is disgusting.
It is nice though, that the AFC South kind of like, you just know there's a rhythm to it. The Texans will beat the Jaguars.
The Jaguars beat the Colts and the Titans will never be good, but they'll always win the division. Yeah.
Like that's kind of what it is. If you went and had like a coma for 10 years and you said that sentence, you're caught up.
Yeah, right. That's the AFC South.
It's the junkyard version of the NFC West where you can figure out exactly what's going to happen, like which coaches own the other guy. Yeah.
Yeah, basically. And just throwing the Titans in the mix where it's like you just look at the Titans constantly and you're like, that's not a good team, but they will go to the playoffs.
I had such a bad feeling. The Texans were on the one-yard line, and I have real bad PTSD about that against the Jags because of what Derrick Henry did a couple years ago and absolutely dominated us.
I thought for sure Pierce was going to take 199 yards. Shoestring tackle, it almost happened again.
Yep, yep. How do you feel about old Doug? I love Doug.
I think Doug is people... He's a good dude.
There's been some media in Jackson's like, I don't know about Doug. He wants to rely on the pass instead of the run.
But the quarterback has to make the throws. Like, the play calls have been good.
It's 2022. I think it's okay to have a coach who likes to pass the football.
Yeah, I think it's okay. I think that's perfectly normal at this point.
Do you want to do some roasts? Yeah. How's the reading going these days? I'm getting better at it.
By the way, listen to ZBT. I actually was talking to chaps today about I was just, whenever chaps is in studio or in the office, I just catch up on my international politics.
I was like, so is Putin going to do this nuclear thing? And you're like, nah. If he moves those, if he touches if he touches those nuclear things we'll fucking blow them up yeah i think they monitor that stuff pretty well that's good that's how we know like north korea stuff it's on we know around stuff they get they have like sensors in the sky essentially that they can figure out where these movements and people that watch it all the time they start moving a nuclear weapon it'll be hell for them is that when they like how does it work do they have to move it for a while like i would imagine it's not a button that you press they have to like arm it and everything yeah it takes a little bit yeah for it to get going i mean there is some that are smaller that you can have pretty readily available but if they move one that's going to make like the tactical nuclear like you know it's moving too they have an idea of where all of those weapons are yeah okay that's kind of bad.
But also you look at military intelligence over the last two decades and you're like, well, maybe you guys don't actually know. Right.
What about the suitcase nuke? Is that still a thing? I don't think so. Like the World War II nuclear weapons, that was part of the disarmament agreement between Russia and us that we were going to get rid of all those.
They used to have one. I don't know if you've seen this, like an RPG that you could put a shoulder fired nuclear weapon and shoot it off.
You would feel so cool if you were rolling around with a nuke on your hip. There's a video that just came out recently.
It was like two or three days ago as Ukraine pushes towards Crimea and try to get that back. There was a guy that was standing with one of our new anti-missile technology standing on like a road and you could hear their anti-aircraft missile go off and that's what's causing a lot of destruction there their missiles the surface to ground missiles and whenever those hit the guy it stands and shoots the technology that we have and it intercepts it in the sky and all of the other army dudes from ukraine are going bananas that must be awesome yeah it's a cool feeling that it brought me so back like when i was on a roof one time and there's a bunch of terrorists that went into this one house and you see like a gun run come and as soon as like an a-10 warthog comes over or people start shooting hellfire missiles everybody's like oh my fucking yeah let's go the close air support with the yeah it's like that sound and then you go by and the amount the how big those rounds are and the amount of damage that they cause even in like vehicles you're just like holy shit it's like a bullet that can hit 10 feet away from you on the ground and it'll still kill you yeah like just the wind that kind of goes by you the pressure force there when you hear those like so we would have these briefs before you go out on a mission and they would tell you what your air support was they tell you if you have f-18s if it's just helicopters every time if they said you have a-10s in your area people were like let's fucking go yeah because they can get so close to you other ones you have to stay pretty far back.
A-10s are so accurate. They can be a lot more, like 200 meters.
Jeez. And there was also kind of a sad moment because I was talking to Kate and Chaps, and I was like, so why is Ukraine winning? And it's like, well, we're just paying for all their weapons.
And I was like, well, if history repeats itself, we'll just invade Ukraine, and they'll shoot us with our own weapons in, like, 20 years, and they both just side. And war is advantage too like it's the most home field advantage it's like Arrowhead they don't care those Russians that are going in and try to take over all the conscripts and their army they don't give a shit about that territory Ukraine does yeah that's their home that's it okay war talk that was war talk subscribe to ZBT with chaps and cons uh let's do some roast okay i yeah so the reading is okay uh it's not gonna go great okay i feel like you're gonna be able to talk better without all that beard in your mouth i think so too did you send it hank oh he's not sending it see i don't i don't like how cool chaps looks with just the mustache he looks awesome i feel like so the bet so the bet was a full creaming, but then I told him, yeah, you'll look like a pervert if we just go mustache.
But he doesn't look like a pervert at all. No, he looks cool.
I feel like I should be able to just cream the rest of his face. No, we agreed, and you agreed.
That's done. Done.
I can't go back. I feel so good about my, it would be ultra cruel if I had to lose it now and I look like shit.
What happens now if the Astros, your beloved Astros, lose the first two games, then you'll have to think to yourself, wait a second, did I do this again? Did I do it again? Did I do it again? Because last time we were up against your beloved Nats 3-2. That's true.
And you creamed your entire face, shaved your entire beard off, and then boom. While wearing two ring shirts.
Put it on you. Mm-hmm.
Yep. Okay.
Here we go. Let's do it.
You want me to do Big Time Tommy again? Sure. Okay.
What's up, Instagram? It's Big Time Tommy. If Hank's eyes were any further apart, they would fall off his face.
PFT's hair looks like it would always smell like sewage water and the beach. There's nothing to say to Big Cat other than I'm sorry you have to watch the Bears.
Billy Football has definitely jerked off to boobs he drew. That's the old school way, honestly.
Hank doesn't have eyes that are far apart. Yeah, no, I've noticed that about Hank for a while.
Basically, that lady from the Queen's Gambit, that's Hank. Your hammerhead shark? Yeah, Justin Fields.
Yeah, I don't think that's you at all. Me neither.
This one is like a soliloquy. You don't have to do Big Cat.
I know it takes a lot out of you, so you can switch back and forth. Alright, with my tongue? I know it's a nickname, Big Cat, but that doesn't mean he has to eat lasagna for every meal.
He's just the father of two, but that doesn't mean you need to look like you're having to. Just accept that you've reached the Tommy Bahama phase of your life, and it gets better.
Yeah. Tommy Bahama is a great phase.
I don't think... That's not a roast.
That's gassing you up. No, it is.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I have reached that phase. I do wear a lot of Hawaiian shirts.
They are very distracting to my physique.

And yeah.

Have you started looking for colognes that smell a little bit like limes?

No, I have not.

I should.

That's the real old man move.

I should absolutely.

I also don't eat a lot of lasagna.

You don't?

No, lasagna is good.

But how many times?

Lasagna is what?

Like four times a year?

How many times do you eat lasagna?

I do lasagna on Christmas.

About four times.

It's seasonal.

Yeah, it's like four times a year. It's like, oh, that's a good lasagna.
Chili on the other hand. Oh, all the time.
Buddy. PFT is constantly pushing his liberal agenda.
I fucking hate liberals. Rattling on about how much he loves the commies.
Okay, there we go. Putting your left hand up.
He also looks like he should be giving guitar lessons to middle schoolers he is just missing a bleach stain megadeth shirt oh okay i mean that's pretty good yeah also that makes you sound pretty cool i've done all those things i don't think this guy understood the assignment yeah hank has a dream job and yet he gives off the vibe of someone who says quote living the dream the dream to his coworkers while Googling the best load-bearing ropes. That was pretty good.
Yeah, that was a good one. Billy is what happens when you spend four years of college listening to the Joe Rogan experience instead of your professors.
He is a perfect example of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Okay, yeah.
What's that effect? No idea. I'm pretty sure that with Billy, he's actually the result of just like if we grew somebody's brain in a lab listening to only part of my take.
We brought Billy upon ourselves. Could you guys do that? You know those tweets that go out like I made a bot watch of a computer watch Seinfeld for 1,000 hours and this is what happens? Yeah.
You guys should do that for P&T. It's just Billy talking about two-point conversions.
So the Dunning-Kruger effect is, in psychology, a cognitive bias whereby people with limited knowledge or competence in a given intellectual or social domain greatly overestimate their own knowledge or competence in that domain relative to objective criteria or to the performance of their peers or of people in general. That could not be more spot on.
Honest to God, I think I might change that to ZBT's bio. Yeah, it's the Billy football effect.
That's not what it is. The Dunning-Kruger effect, out, Billy football.
That's just called running on vibes. Yeah, that is, that is, that is.
Max is basically just a wah-wah in human form. Okay, that's good.
He's unassuming, normal normal but so philadelphian it becomes unlikable yep yep that's true when his philadelphia shows it's like oh yeah he's don't bring around don't bring around any kids if pmt were nfl coaches big cat would be andy reed a big sloppy unit of a man that puts nothing but highlights out okay pft would be mike daniels fun and quirky little guy who's quick on his feet and always attempts to have an answer yet can't prove that he can lead a team on his own oh no that's mean that was mean damn hank is bill belichick grumpy fuck but gets his work done thinks the team would wouldn't be successful successful if it wasn't for him forget who won him his rings okay okay billy would be dan campbell steroids heavy things uh never going to be the main guy i don't know he's uh i think this one just explains itself yeah we had a reading throw back there we had a little grudger words on your strong suit yeah it's tough yeah uh jake is pete Carroll. He's a nerd with glasses, maybe related.
He's history of great battles with Belichick, Hank, but will always be the best in the office and doesn't need to cheat to win competitions. I would have gone with Tom Coughlin there, personally, if you're going to make that comparison.
Chaps is George Halas. He takes too many bathroom breaks for Tom Coughlin, though.
Wait, what is it? George Halas? Oh, George Halas. Who's that? Yes, the founder of the Bears, basically the NFL.
Oh. Your Papa Bear.
Okay, well, that's good. How am I that guy? I don't know.
That doesn't make any sense. Do you look like George Halas? That might be the least person I'm like.
I would never find him. That's a big compliment.
That's literally the only, like when the Bears talk about tradition and history, it's 85 and then Papa Bear. That's it.
His other nickname was Mr. Everything.
Yeah. That's pretty good.
Well, he's an insane athlete. So.
This guy fucking loves me. Yeah.
No, he loves you. That's a great comment.
That feels good. I might just sit in that for a minute, honestly, before we move on.
All right. Big Cat looks like he walks dogs for a living but also touches them inappropriately

before he brings them back to his owners.

Okay.

PFT looks like he carries around a Ziploc baggie

full of loose change

and pours it out on the gas station counter

to buy the cheapest eighth of vodka

in a pack of Parliaments.

Okay.

I like it.

We've all been there.

Yeah, I love Parliaments. Billy looks like an Eastern Island head.
Hank looks like a homeless guy who lost his jaw from his ongoing crack addiction and walks around with jeans eight sizes too big and yells at clouds. Okay.
Jake reminds me of someone in high school who had a rolling backpack and started you gotta just stop there so spot on holy shit and sprinted to every class um for and his most prized possession is a cartoon porno mag okay yep and he says by the way i fucking love you guys uh pft looks like he does magic to pick up women, but his only magic trick is making their bodies disappear. Ooh.
Yikes. That's a rough one.
Oh, wow. Yeah, that's double threat.
A magician murderer. He gave me a great idea for Netflix.
Yep. Billy looks like a high school villain that secretly hooks up with the theater boy at lunch, but then bullies him at the homecoming.
I mean, that's pretty that's pretty good yeah big hat looks like he has to fluff himself a bit uh not to piss on his own balls oh okay yep yep that hurts i will be there someday uh that just says i have big balls yeah that's the last one okay great it's always great to see's always great to see you. Thanks, good to see you too.
Yeah, anything else you want to plug? Just the show, I had a drink. Not only did I lose PFT's bet where I had to shave, but I also lost a bet to Kate on the Eagles, and I had to drink a grog yesterday, and it was absolutely disgusting.
That's tough. How are the dogs doing? Baby Dale's all right.
He's doing great.

Gussy boy from heaven above had to go to the doctor today.

My guy has double ear infections.

Oh, no.

You got the sticks.

I actually should more importantly say, how's the cat?

Sprinkle dinkles is doing great.

Pepper's still dead.

No issues?

Sad.

No, no.

No.

I think we got all the aggressive dogs out.

Okay, good.

Which is good news.

Maybe a little too late.

Too late for sure, but we learn from our mistakes and we move on.

Yeah, that's all you can do.

Thank you. No, I think we got all the aggressive dogs out.
Okay, good. Which is good news.
Maybe a little too late. Too late for sure, but we learn from our mistakes and we move on.
Yeah, that's all you can do. Yeah, we don't need to hold ourselves accountable forever.
Eventually, you have to give yourself some grace. Yes, yes, that's true.
That's absolutely true. Forgive yourself.
Yes. Yes.
But maybe not forgive the dog. You just had a crate, yeah, that day when you left.
Yeah, I think Otto got put down too. Oh, no.
Had an issue at the other house. More severe than eating a cat? Well, I texted the guy that I gave him to like three years ago, and I was like, hey, how is Otto doing? And he was like, I don't know.
I got rid of that dog too. Oh, man.
I mean, kind of deserves it. It needs to be on life on the run.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, numbers.
Would you like to? Yeah. Chaps, have you ever gotten this? No, not even close, actually.

Hank, have you ever gotten this?

Nope.

Would be a real shame if you got it before Hank.

It would be.

Okay.

So give us your number.

I'm going 75.

That's a good number.

I'm going to go 20.

69.

17.

18.

I'll go 79.

Okay.

28.

Hank, what were you, 17?

Yep.

I just saw the 69 pass through.

Oh, 19.

So close.

Oh, Hank, you usually guessed right around there.

Oh.

Damn, dude. So close.
You guys have been doing this like two years, and he's right around there. Damn, dude.

So close.

You guys have been doing this like two years and he's never won?

Never won, chaps.

Damn.

More than two years.

Love you guys.

Lobsters communicate by peeing on each other.

That's sick.

That is sick.

Wait, really?

Their bladders are on their face.

I don't know if I believe that because you definitely would have used that back.

How do you pee in that?