NFL Preview With Comedian Stavros Halkias, Football Is Back, Mt Rushmore Of Breakups, Fyre Fest Of The Week

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On today's part in my take, we've got our good friend Stavros Halkius back on the show. And it's a great one because we broke down the entire 2022 nfl season it is the definitive preview for the nfl season i know you can read all these books you can look at these analytics we just went through every single team and talked how the quarterback and the coach of that team fuck and that will tell you how this season is going go.
We do a Mount Rushmore with him, the Mount Rushmore of breakups. We have football back.
Football is back. And we also have Firefest.
And we're getting ready for Grit Week that will start on Sunday. And we're brought to you by our friends at Revitalite.
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Now in the street there is violence and a lot of work to be done

No place to hang out or wash in

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Oh, no.

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Today is Friday, August 5th, and football is back are you whispering football football football football and it stunk it stunk mark davis stole the show mark davis is the true back king here because he came in with shades that he looked like he bought at the gas station outside of Canton. He came in, he was just housing Buffalo wings with a white shirt on his haircut looks great.
I know it's the hall of fame game, but it was basically like, just put Mark Davis on the screen the whole time because this football game, yes, it's awesome to see the helmets. I basically every, every hall of fame game is the exact same where seeing the helmets is great seeing the field is great and then you're just like okay this kind of sucks i want the real football well we were getting all hyped up for for the visor to make an appearance with doug peterson and the game was over when they showed the coaches on the sidelines and josh mcdaniel said i'm tougher than the fucking rain i'm gonna wear a visor and then they cut to Doug and Doug's had he's got his little hat with the roof on it you know the real hat but it's preseason for visors too Doug didn't want to show everything that he's going to be using during the regular season I understand that I get it I think he's gone a little bit gray in the last couple years I think he's trying he's he's a little bit shy a little bit timid coming out of his shell putting the visor back on for old time's sake.
But once the game got started, I held on longer than most. I think I stayed pretty interested through the second half just because of Kyle Slaughter, who right now is beating the Raiders 3-0 in the second half, just FYI.
He stinks. What do you mean he stinks? He's the best preseason quarterback of all time.
He didn't get us a touchdown, and I bet the over, and I wanted a touchdown. He had them in their zone, and he didn't do it.
There's still the fourth quarter. Kyle Slaughter, I still believe in him.
If you've watched him play, you should believe too. But my big takeaway was this was the Hall of Fame game for fans too because I was not ready for football to be on TV.
I wasn't. I wasn't ready.
I ordered my dinner, my delivery, and I ordered ordered it like 30 minutes too late so the game had already started when it got here i'm out of my rhythm right now um so it's good to just you know get back in the rhythm sit on the couch watch football figure out which one is the volume up button and which one is the channel up button that one fucked with me tonight a little bit too but for us fans watching from home we haven't watched football on our couch in about six months maybe seven months you were more than 30 minutes late because we had the weather delay which sucked yeah the weather delays sucked and then we we also had yeah it was basically the game of uh where's josh mcdaniels from oh he's from canton people forget that shit okay yeah that did happen um and yeah, it was like, cool, helmets, field, football, kicked off. Okay, no one of consequences playing.
I'm going to hang in for a quarter, and then I'm like, just get me. It's very funny.
When the first preseason game happens, I'm so excited to watch it, and then as soon as we get through the first quarter, the first preseason game, I'm like, just fucking get over with the preseason. I'm done with the preseason.
Get me to the regular season. We still have one more week.
Like, preseason week one, we'll get that quarter from, like, your team. You'll get to see the Bears.
I'm going to get to see the Commanders for the first time. And that'll be cool for a quarter.
And then we'll be like, oh, yeah, preseason sucks. Let's move it along.
So I would honestly, I think that they should have a Mark Davis boxis box kind of like they do like the manning cast there should be a davis cast a bull cast and just have it just be his his forehead even i don't know what it is i think maybe the the people in the truck are actually fucking with him because i do feel like we have more shots of mark davis eating random things um and you don't like i i feel like there's not off the top of my head a lot of stuff Hank just keeps holding his his earphones and I'm I'm like no I don't he's holding his earphones like something's very wrong and I'm just staring at him and he won't say anything so I'm very nervous that something isn't recording or something's not working or there's an echo I don't know what to do I gotta admit I'm very thrown thrown off by this. Are you guys hearing a faint echo? I just can't.
I literally heard it once, and then I kind of hear it when I say something. No.
No echo. It's all in your head.
But I know that we've had this issue when we're doing this where you have a slight echo that you hear, but then they're like, it's fine. PFT, i was like trying to yeah i was i i hank's been doing this i think hank might be part italian because he's been speaking with his hands a lot recently we did an interview which i'm not going to talk about right now but in the interview that we did a couple days ago hank was over there i said something to the person we were interviewing i was referring to a specific game and hank just puts his hands up in the air and starts shaking his head around like, what are you doing? It was distracting.
That's my job. I was trying to get you to give context because you were like, you guys were on the same page with the game and I was like, I don't know what game you're talking about.
So if I don't know what game I'm talking about, there's a lot of listeners I know what I'm talking about. In Hank's defense, it was a baseball game from a very long time ago so it was you know it was fair that he was like what's going on which i i understood but yeah he's the look on his face was like his brain swallowed a sour warhead it was quite distracting him just going like this though like he's like fucking he's like diplo trying to avoid like some chick he doesn't want to hook up with in the booth.
What is going on right now? I'm literally like, I guess you can tune in to YouTube. We can maybe cut to myself.
I'm just smashing my headphones up to my ears to try and hear the echo. It screams to me.
It's just like red alert, red alert. Something is wrong.
No, I know. And obviously, I was trying to determine whether or not something was wrong and but like we've had you've had slight echo issues where it's like not been an issue so i'm like right and also determine if this is an issue or not and it's like i'm just like really trying to zero in i should say too which is obviously first day yeah it's back girls first time so she doesn't know whether to jump in or not here so it is a little bit more difficult i get it and then the best part about all this we should pause i think we should pause like now that we've had this conversation like i think we should pause doesn't but hank you're doing the like patrick mahomes on second down in a medium quiet stadium where he's like covering out all the outside noise yeah right exactly and the best part is billy is just housing corn because he's making good on his corn bet and he's the least distracting part of the show so far so credit to billy this is amazing sweet corn by the way i need to shout out this farm wait let me get yeah some some awl sent us a box of so much corn it is it is amazing corn they also sent uh chocolate chip cookies uh bartlett's farm do you have have more, Billy? I have so many chocolate chip cookies, bro.
Bring them back in. What about corn? Bring them back into the office.
Come grab some corn. Come on, dude.
Look at these cookies. Bring them back into the office.
The listeners are not going to hear this break, but we're about to take a break, and we'll give you a verdict on the other side. Okay, we're back, and the jury is out.
Hank first part of the show that's not that's not what the jury is out on listen it was it was i didn't make the call i didn't throw the flag up i didn't make the flag up no okay so here's the thing this is actually a little behind the scenes for the for the listeners there is an echo but we're now using a new recording software called riverside where it records exactly what's going in so there it's just recording what's going into my computer it's not recording everything else and then all the tracks come together so that's probably why we sound great for all the listeners maybe give us a shout out like hey you guys are doing zooms but you still sound like you're standing in a studio next to each other and hank thank you you for being always attentive to, for the listeners. I appreciate that.
Yeah. I mean, I definitely was not expecting, I wasn't thinking about the fact that we were videotaping myself.
So having to watch this back on the YouTube will be weird. Cause I was definitely like fully locked in trying to just, just, just use my ears, but all that's why you're the best.
Yeah. All right.
So you're the greatest. And right, right now.
And right now, by the way, I just want to set what I'm watching in case I start screaming. The Jaguars are driving for the over.
For the over. It's 27 to 3, five minutes left.
This is Slaughter time, baby. We're Slaughter in.
This is me. If Kyle Slaughter gets me this over, I will be a Kyle Slaughter believer.
If he doesn't, I will motherfuck him forever. There's plenty of on the sloater boat baby um okay so i can't remember what we were talking about so let's just segue uh vin scully died all right pete wait moment of silence for vin scully actually no vin scully would not want us to have a moment of silence he would want us to tell a whimsical uh we he would want us to spin a whimsical yarn regarding the fragility of human life and the glory that is the opportunity of living.
So that was me trying to do that. He would want people to tweet random stories about taking a piss next to him, which Jeff Perlman did.
That's always nice. I hope I have at least one person when I die be like, I took a piss next to big cat back in like 2015 man he wasn't joking when he said his dick was small oh i can't wait for ed shearn to die tell us that story again uh i actually told it the other day but if you guys haven't heard it i'm i'm happy to run it back jake um would you like to talk about vin scully because you are are i mean he's an all-time legend we're legend.
I feel like Death's on a little bit of a hot streak right now. Like, Death's kind of put a few wins together here.
We've lost some, like Ray Liotta, some good fellas, you know, Sopranos, Bill Russell. Now we have Vin Scully.
We're losing some legends. So I'm getting,'m getting, I'm just, I'm just saying something's going on here.
Everyone be mind their P's and Q's, but go ahead, Jake. Yeah, no, definitely.
He is, uh, the best play by play broadcaster of all time. He has moments that you could put in a dictionary.
Like you could fill a dictionary with thousands of pages of the videos you could write a book i think what jake's trying to say is you could write a book about all of vince scully's jake was just trying to think of like what's a what's a book that's got words in it i guess that's not really me being a play-by-play guy and not being able to articulate a sentence isn't the best look. But no, if I could have 1% of the success that he had, that would be a successful career.
He is the best ever. I think what you can say about Vin Scully is that he made watching baseball exciting all the time.
And it could be a shitty game. It could be a boring game.
But he was a great storyteller. That one clip of talking about madison bomegarner and his wife killing the snake and finding rabbits inside of it and that'll be a three one count and like just going right back and forth into the play-by-play i think that's the best piece of play-by-play of all time and and you know we talk about all the time but the big game voice and vin scully is like almost the inventor of the big game voice where it's if you hear any clip that he's on you're like oh this is about to be an all-time moment that we'll remember forever even if it is just a random game in the middle of the season something about his voice makes you just feel like the stakes are bigger and that's all i ever want from my announcers and he did that to the nth degree did you know that he called the game of the catch yes 49ers catch i actually didn't realize that until tonight i was watching the hall of fame game i think you know we've got the technology it's there where if you run enough words through a soundboard you can create a software system and have the software system just be that person that's what we need to be calling baseball games i think there's enough there's enough tape out there vin scully he said every word that you're allowed to say on television on television just take take the audio and give me robot vin scully i don't care if we never get robot ups umps give me robot vin scully's yeah and the um he also called hank aarons uh 716 when when passed Babe Ruth, which is just an all-time

call. Obviously, Kirk Gibson.

There's just a million of them.

RIP Vin Scully.

Watch out for death.

Watch out for death. That's all I'm going to say.

We lost two goats.

If you want to say Bill Russell and Vin Scully,

Hank got swagger jacked

by Magic Johnson,

who basically, he's a long-time

AWL, so he listened to the podcast.

Hank was like, we should retire

I don telling you about. I'll be back in.
Slaughter magic. Here we go.
He truly is bad until no one is in. Incomplete.
Because, like, he was bad. He was bad in the third quarter, but he really, Slaughter time is truly, like, the last five minutes.
wet out it's wet outside they just need points we need half a point we need one point we need one point it's wet it's raining it's terrible weather they're probably not even they probably told all the fans to go home because they might die from the lightning and the rain and all that stuff but sloater's still out there slinging it that's the kind of guy he is we're not gonna get this would they go for it just to get reps reps? Or would they kick a field goal even though they're down? No, they're going to go for it. They're going to go for it, yeah.
Shout out Daniel Carlson for just bombing kicks in preseason. Touchdown, Slaughter.
There we go. That's Slaughter, bitch.
I'm 1-0 in the season. That's my guy, Slaughter.
I should retire right now. I'm 1-0 in the NFL season.
This is actually a perfect start to the season for me because this is indicative of what i do on just about every game is i'll bet two things and then one of the things will hit the other will not hit and then i'll lose a little bit of money on the vig and then i'll think of it as a win i'll only think about the bet that i won and i'll go into the next week and then i'll check my account be like oh yeah i have less money than i did last week but i should i walk away a perfect season has never been done want to know want to know mr 1000 i have i did say that i was going to have the best gambling season of my entire life this year how many units did you put on it uh i had i had a good amount of units it was a it was a real nfl sunday play okay which is not responsible. I'll just say it.
That's stupid. These games are not.
Who knows what's going to happen in these stupid games. But I got you stopped for the first game.
Beautiful handoff for a two-point conversion by Kyle Sloder right there. Yeah.
I was excited. I was very excited for this game.
I was very excited for football to be back. Yeah, maybe I should.
I think this is actually the 20th season in a row that I've said I'm going to have my best gambling season of my life.

So we'll see how it goes.

1-0 is 1-0.

Last thing before we get to Stav, we're going on Grit Week.

We're going to be in Colorado.

We've got some big interviews planned out there, and we're gonna we're gonna be going around we're

gonna have a meet and greet for the people but i just wanted one last thing from billy

you got the corn you're eating the corn also you were on a game show that everyone watched tonight

want to just give a quick how to go uh it was

okay great game loki do you think that you had a good performance or a bad performance

Thank you. It was a great game.
Loki, do you think that you had a good performance or a bad performance? Terrible showing. Absolutely horrible.
If you were to go back in time and coach yourself up on your appearance, what would you say to young Bill? I'd be like, bro, this isn't going to be man versus wild. Surviving in the wilderness has nothing to do with it.
And then once you're trapped in the woods for six days after getting eliminated, like, like just chill out and not be as angry. Maybe mixing the water.
Sure. Yeah, that's all right.
Billy, we appreciate you going out there. I think you should do more reality shows.
I want to see in more stuff. So good job maybe not totally good job representing pmt but good job being there good good job no billy's good job being you yes yes which i guess is our fault because that we have you representing pmt we know you i mean i whatever but you're doing the corn bet right now so you've eaten a shitload of corn and we appreciate it you know a lot of corn i'm actually last thing uh just in case this shows up in a video or somewhere i got dunked on tonight in a pickup basketball what yeah just just getting ahead of that one yeah that's my in my fire.
In case this shows up. No, that's very smart.
No, it is smart, but like. That's the best thing you can do.
No, no, no, Hank, Hank, it's very smart. But what he just said, the key point of this is I need the video.
Whoever has, like, because what Billy just implied is someone might have the video. I will pay for that video.
I don't know who – I don't know if there's a video, but – Was someone filming on the sidelines? No. We were like three games in, right? We'd won three straight times.
It was the fourth game and a fresh team came in and we were just getting like destroyed because everyone was gassed. And then I was getting pissed off because my teammates, who I have no idea who they are, but I just was pissed off.
Everyone was kind of quitting. So then I ran down on a fast break to block a guy.
And then he, instead of trying to go for the layup, he hit it off the backboard, and I literally got turned around. He went off the backboard, Billy? You got Jason Terry'd? Yeah, yeah.
Billy, what did he look like? I think that's, I think that's started by Billy implies that he was an African American gentleman. That's what Billy didn't want to say.
And that's why I asked because I knew I'd get that reaction. No, the worst part was the worst part was after I got dunked on someone from the bench goes boys got monkey pox and i don't know how that applies oh no billy oh my god okay all right all right i'm just gonna be really clear right now if someone has a clear video of this i'll pay 500 cash i'll match it's a thousand dollars cash immediately.
It's $1,000 cash immediately. It has to be clear video.
I have to be able to see that. I have to see Billy get dunked on.
I want to hear the monkeypox line. $1,000 from me and PFT on site.
You come to the office. We'll give you cash.
We'll give you cash. You hand over your phone.
Because I want to make sure I can save. I want to download it to all the hard drives i have it in every every fucking computer in the office whoa whoa whoa billy as as as this is going on as he just told his story i don't know if fucking fastuli is listening but there's a group text of of just people that live i won't get into the the specific area but people that live in this area that work at barstool it's kind of just like, I don't know.
It's funny, but a kid just messaging it and goes, Billy, please tell me these rumors aren't true. It's for solely at the office though.
He might be memes. He must be listening.
Yeah. All right.
That's gotta be it. That's gotta be it.
Okay. He's not, he's not at the office.
We need to, I need to, we need the video. I need to know Billy.
Like, do you think that that somebody was recording do you have reason to believe that somebody was recording this no i don't know it's like one of those things where like here's what i'm gonna do billy i'm gonna tweet out just i'm gonna tweet out does anyone have video of billy playing basketball i'm not gonna say anything else we'll see we'll just mine it right now no you know can we not do this i just to get ahead of it. I think that if this video does exist and it's as good as advertised, I think we have to even go as far as putting like the audio in the intro part of my take.
I mean, there's no way that, that someone was filming a random pickup. I know.
I don't want to burst your guys bubble, but like, I don't, I don't think, I don't, I understand why Billy said it because he was was just embarrassed he got dunked on, but the chances of the video actually existing are very, very, very slim. But Hank, we've learned this by listening to all these crime podcasts and watching all these Netflix things.
There's probably one of those CCTVs somewhere. We can probably get, like, the city of Hoboken hoboken could probably send us like they're watching everything jeff bezos probably has this or sergey has this if somebody that lives in a house nearby has a ring camera yeah i would even accept that that's what i'm saying they could turn they could they have video of everything now we need to get video of this Yeah, it's, you know, I put the pickups pretty competitive.

The pickups pretty competitive the pick up's pretty competitive i think some of them were uh rutgers football players oh okay yeah she and i'm in yeah it was uh it was a tough one just had to get that you know had to get that off my chest just so because the phones the phones came out right after because let me ask you this billy did the game end immediately after because the dunk was so violent that everyone stormed on the court and said it's over the thing was it wasn't the first time in the game that someone got dunked on um so it was like several people had been dunked on in that game. So it didn't end the game.
But the monkeypox line did get a very loud round of laughter.

But the thing was we've been running the court for three, four games.

And like a French team came on and just like, you know, ran on us.

Billy, you got it.

I mean, listen, I've never been dunked on. I played a lot lot of pickup basketball you either got to get the fuck out of the way very quickly what are you gonna say you don't play with anyone who could dunk you're gonna play yeah exactly anyone who could dunk i'm hard on billy i have played with many people that could dunk you either just get the fuck out of the way or you foul so hard they can't dunk well it was the thing was i was unexpected i was like seeing red trying to chase down a dunk because my team had given up okay so you're just playing too hard that was your other problem yeah yeah everyone's playing hard everyone's playing hard well you just said your teammates weren't playing hard right but you know i got that dog in me right and then the dog got fucking yammed on yeah dude it sucked uh so whatever yeah i don Yeah, I don't know what to say.
That's my fire vest. I already have the spins on you.
At least there's no video. I'm going to firmly say that this video doesn't exist.
Now, Billy, when you say a guy dunked on you, is this in addition to Tommy dunking on you? I don't give a fuck. Those games are fucking...
It's all fucking smoke and mirrors. No, he doesn't care.
He doesn't care. Yeah.
He doesn't think about Tommy at all. I mean, Tommy did beat me in lowering the bar, which remember that carrying over to the game show.
Yeah. Yeah.
So, I mean, I got a tattoo and my eyebrow shaved off and didn't win anything. So, yeah.
So I'm sensing a theme here. You do play defense too hard.
Yeah. A lot of stuff like you got to stop trying.
That's your thing. I don't know.
I know where this is going. My effort is way too high.
I work too hard. Exactly.
You try to. No, let me rephrase thatase that because after i said it i immediately realized how big of an error i was making by saying those words you try too hard and things that don't matter that's the problem billy you need to just refocus your effort into all the things that do matter instead of all the things that make no difference let's end on a positive billy you paid the corn bet you ate a lot of corn um that's a win so we're here you're now good billy you're now one and oh you're one and oh in your last one yeah yeah that's a win all right let's get to stavros and the rest of the show and i'll say i'll say if you have like young kids in the car that listen to the show this is one that you're going to want to turn it up turn the volume up and carpool get like the neighbor's kids in the car for this one if you if you forgot your headphones at your work on friday um just wait till you get home because yeah it was good it was very very good uh here he is Before we get to Stavros, we have a quick word from our friend BetterHelp.

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All right, here he is, Stavros Halkius.

Okay, we now welcome back our good friend, Stavros Halkius.

What's up, boys?

He's back.

I'm back.

He's going to do a Mount Rushmore with us.

Yes, sir.

We're also going to just chop it up for a little bit. We're going to do the Mount Rushmore of breakups.

Now, we decided this just totally random. Yep.
You haven't had any breakups recently have you not recently no no i've had a couple bad ones so no no like hit podcast breakup you didn't realize that dude i literally i was like that's pretty fun i was like that's a i texted you last night i was like we're gonna do mount rushmore breakups And you're like, okay, was like sick yeah that's fine i was like i talk about breakups in my comedy you're so right i fucking left come down uh yeah i did i had no damn my my all my shit is about you know women yeah no one pick for me is come down yeah yeah that's the breakup that everyone talks about i I was like wait oh fuck i'm my shit's all fucked up well it'll be fine yeah we can just like go for it oh that's so fucking funny so yeah yeah so a little bit has happened you know yeah which which i know tapped it felt interesting we we do um we do make fun of the notes app anyone who notes app of course get over it was a significant Notes app. I had to do something because it was like we just kind of decided it.
And it was like no one really said it. And I was just going to be gone.
And, you know, the show never really addresses anything. Right.
So I just figured, like, I'll just fucking put it out there so everybody knows that I'm not on it anymore. And people still think it's a bit.
People are still like, he's coming back. It's like waiting for dad to, you know, it's like when your parents get divorced and you want to admit it.
You're not for cigarettes, milk. Yeah, yeah.
He's coming back. I should have done a fucking some kind of video, but I was just like, I just want, you know, I want people to know I'm just like, because I was going in all fucking full.
I'm going to fucking vacation mode. I'm going to Baltimore.
Because I got married. You're's sick.
Where the ESPN zone used to be. Yeah, I just stare at it and I'm like I still got fucking ESPN zone points on my card.
I'm trying to get in there. Fucking whipped ass.
I love that place. Fuck Phillip Seafood.
It was just like lazy boy recliners for everybody. So many TVs.
Yeah, I was just going to get fucking jacked, dude, because I got fat as fuck on tour. I'm just trying to get under three bills, and my little brother's a personal trainer.
So I'm just going to Baltimore to just fucking get swole. Nice.
Yeah. You look strong.
Thanks, man. I appreciate that.
Yeah. Well, you're powerful.
Yeah. By the way, you still got this fucking piece of shit couch, huh? Yeah, we do.
This thing sucks so much, Dick. Usually what happens is somebody comes in, we're like, yeah, we're about to get it fixed, knowing that they're never coming back in here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we just say, yeah, we're in the process of renovating it.
I see. Yeah, there's a new paint can, it looks like.
My lumbar support is all fucked up. Actually, I got some Jimmy's Seafood last weekend, which is amazing.
Hell yeah, shout out to the boys. Jimmy's Seafood's awesome, and they hit me up, and they're like, hey, just so just so you know like stav's what your dad helped build the place yeah yeah my dad my dad every the greek economy works by you either are a diner or restaurant owner or you're the guy who built the diner or restaurant there's no there's no white collar greek like greek men of a certain generation so my dad was like he built.
He built everything. I had my first lobster when I was five years old at Jimmy's Seafood.
That's self-sufficient, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Greeks are just, yeah, they just keep building each other diners. Exactly, exactly.
And then you graduate to fucking insurance fraud or other minor scams. Just the fancy jobs.
Yeah, paying people under the table. Social security fraud.
Just that kind of stuff, you know? All right, so how has it been, though? Like, the breakup, obviously, people are curious. But, like, are people mad at you online? Oh, yeah, of course.
They were always going to be mad at you, for sure. It's been good.
I mean, listen, it's all love. It's all, you know, God bless the Adam Friedland show.
You know, I hope those boys are successful kind of killing it right now it's great have you heard the monologues i have not my eyes are solid i'm completely off i'm completely off everything not even you know that show just everything so yeah it's all like they're gonna be successful they're hilarious as shit but i was just like honestly dude i think because i was at the end of this fucking tour and i was so tired i was like like, I don't want to do anything. Yeah.
I was like, I just kind of quit everything. And I was just like, I'm going to go fucking, I'm just going to get and go fucking find myself, eat, pray, love in Baltimore for a month.
I had to come back here for some other shit. So I figured, fuck it, let's do a Mount Rushmore.
But yeah, I'm going, I've been in Baltimore for like a month, just hanging out with my family, writing, fucking, you know, trying to, trying to get under three bills. Yeah.
Trying three bills. Yeah.
What do you got right now? I'm at a fighting 304. Oh, you got that.
We're close, dude. You can sweat that out in the afternoon.
You gotta weigh yourself naked in the morning, right? I go boxers. Okay, I go naked in the morning every morning because you know that cuts off.
Right after that, you gotta shit. You gotta fully shit.
Do you want to know a real fat guy thing fat guy thing I do I sometimes at night will weigh myself fully clothed with like my keys and my phone and then be like oh I'm gonna be like 5 pounds lighter tomorrow morning like totally like I'll fucking hold a 5 pound weight while I'm weighing myself at night just to mentally get myself to a point where it's like, oh, this is all gone tomorrow morning. Yeah, yeah.
Pro move. Yeah, I go underwear, you know, 304, 308 when I'm hard.
Okay. Well, yeah, I'm trying to just fuck.
So I just kind of like, you know, semi was like, fuck it, dude, I don't want to do shit. I'm burned out.
And also I talked about it. It's so funny because I was on the show and I was like dude I hate podcasting and it was almost like part like doing the press run actually I was like talking about it I was like oh so you're putting it's your fault it's actually yeah I'm talking to you guys I was like you came on the show and you're like you're like podcasting sucks no that's fine yeah yeah this is you've been doing you've been running like a extremely successful podcast for six years.

You meet us for one afternoon. You're like, yo, this medium is dead.
Oh, man. It's cool, though, because you don't have like very diehard fans that will totally blame us.
Yeah, we're fine. That'll be fine.
We don't have the luxury of going to Baltimore on vacation and unplugging. Are we Yoko Ono? You're Yoko Ono, dude.
It was like

I think it was like

Like a gay kid

Like getting horny

For a kid that's true are we yoko ono you're yoko ono dude so that's it was it was like it was like yeah i think it was like like a like a gay kid really like getting horny for his like gym teacher and being like oh he's like why don't i like girls and then you see your gym teacher like oh he's fucking hot you know it was like the press run i was like i came out as not wanting to podcast yeah conversion therapy it dawned on me right yeah dude mike pence was like i'm i'm not i'm gonna make you not a podcast yeah yeah yeah so I mean look I'll probably fucking at this point the way like media works you gotta have something for your fans to do like every week but I'm gonna take a long ass break I'll probably do some kind of bullshit podcast or video show or something but yeah dude I was just fucking burned out and I was fat as fuck you know just my you know unhealthy as shit and i was just like this is fucking i just don't want to do shit so i've just been kind of chilling it it rules not doing shit is awesome so your special was was great was the uh was it a success in your eyes in terms of numbers and everything yeah dude i was really pumped and that's the other thing the it's so stupid to leave a podcast that makes so much money and it's so stupid to stop touring the second your special blows up like it was like people like can you come and i was like i just i'd rather i'd rather have a crab cake at jimmy's seafood and make you know tens of thousands of dollars but yeah i was just like nothing i'm doing makes sense but i was just like i don't give a fuck i think you'll be fine i'll be fine that's the other thing it's like you know i'm just i honestly love a fucking vacay and i love to just fucking and i'm already starting like the tour is starting again in september i just took the whole summer off yeah and so i'm just gonna do it slowly you know try to get big arms little titties that's kind of the i also like that i admire anyone who thinks just solely in the present moment where it's like i'm quitting everything and like september like September is going to roll around. It's going to be winter.
Everyone's going to be shut inside. And you're like, wait, I wish I had a microphone to talk to you.
I literally probably start doing some shit once like the winter rolls around or just like if I get healthy enough where dick pills work easily, you know what I mean? Because I got so unhealthy. It was just like I was just fucking popping dick pills like Tic tacs i was like come on let's get some movement and it would take like seven dick pills and then my head is like about to explode my my nose is stuffed up my dick is hard as shit i'm like i better have sex now you know what i mean like that's how i don't even want to think my heart would palpitate and i was like this is i'm going to die on the road with a hard ass dick and I would rather just live you know what I mean so it was just like a full like I should have I maybe should have planned it out better but it's it's I'm an all or nothing type of motherfucker baby you know what I mean and it's just like a quick break I mean September is basically like next week yeah well that's what also sucks I was like I'm gonna take the whole summer off and it's like it's fucking next week yeah yeah like i have two i'm about to go back home for like three weeks and then i gotta fucking start up again doesn't that suck how when you're kids you go to school and and you get every single summer off and then once you graduate it's like oh yeah that's not what happens in life yeah yeah yeah condition growing up every christmas some like somebody else buys you shit totally and then every summer you just don't have to go to work you don't have to do shit.
It sucks being an adult and having to actually drive to work and be sweaty in the summertime. Yeah, absolutely.
Well, that's what I just realized. I guess if you have a dumbass job, you don't have to work.
Yeah, that's true. And it's like, maybe I won't have a job next year, but hey, fuck it.
I lived like a schoolboy this summer. And it was sick, dude.
It was fucking, honestly, I'm still got two more weeks. I'm excited for it.
I'm just going to fucking, I'm getting swole with my brother. By the way, I should pluck his shit.
He's starting his own gym. That's the other thing.
I went to go spend time with my family. I'm helping my brother start a gym.
So it's actually pretty fun. Like, I'm doing other kinds of work that's not like, and it's going to be sick.
Odyssey strength and conditioning if you're in fucking Maryland. Odyssey strength.
Now, this obviously isn't the case, but it would be very funny if your brother looked exactly like you.

He's fatter.

Fat trainers would be so...

There should be fat trainers.

Like, why not?

That would be so fucking funny

if you, like, go into LA Fitness

and there's just some, like...

Absolutely.

Like, a hundred-pound woman

getting worked out by, like, a 450 guy.

A guy in a rascal scooter and his fucking... One of his feet are missing.
With the oxygen tank. Good job, Swit.
Another Ralph. I like the idea of having a realistic trainer.
Just spend two weeks with me and you'll be able to get it up if you take a viac. You'll be able to eat a full meal of chicken wings and not throw up before you leave the table.
Absolutely. The diarrhea will wait eight hours.

It won't be instant.

That was another thing that was going on with me.

Things I were eating were just coming out of my ass in 25 minutes.

I mean, yeah, you were like free fall.

You texted me.

You're like, I'm running 10 minutes late.

I had a very unfortunate timing with the shit right before I had to leave.

I was like, yeah, that's actually a normal excuse.

Like, I didn't need all that information. You could have just been like, hey, 10 minutes late.
Yeah, yeah. No, dude, I tried to chef up a little homemade bimbop, like the fucking Korean shit.
I made a little Korean, I made like a little rice bowl for breakfast, and I was shitting it out within seven minutes, actually, in this case. I don't know what the fuck's going on with me.
I've got the opposite problem. I haven't shit in two days.
Oh, damn. And that's the point where it gets concerned.
I'm going back. I'm doing the math.
I'm like, what did I eat two days ago? Of course. What's about to come out? Yeah, what's going to come out? It was spicy.
Yesterday, well, I've eaten a lot of spicy stuff. So I got home from work yesterday, went on the toilet just because out of routine.
Of course. I didn't even have to shit.
I just got home. I was just like, it just like it's been a long day i probably something's gonna fall out yeah i just sat there for like 10 minutes and nothing was happening like a dog waiting to get fed after daylight savings yeah and it's like this is when i this is what i eat this is what i should sit down on the toilet something will happen yeah more stav in a minute but it is college football season which means you need sling tv where you can watch unbeatable college football coverage starting at $35 a month.
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Okay, back to Stav. All right, all right so we're gonna do the mount rush where we wanted to do a little nfl preview too let's do it um pft thought the idea which was very good like if we just go through the league uh maybe help people with their fantasy love that using your theory about yes the coaches or quarterbacks that fuck the best i love that and how they are gonna perform this year Yeah.
So I don't know where we want to start. I guess we will not do Deshaun Watson.
The Cleveland Browns have been arrested as an organization. The Cleveland Browns have settled out of court.
What a coincidence. 29 times.
That guy is such a piece of shit. And whoever the NFL can also suck my dick.
And whoever that bitch judges it's like six fucking games the guy you he's a fucking he's not okay they were like he's not a rapist technically but it's like all right man how about deshaun watson instead of get it he should before he plays a game a guy should have to he should have to be forced to watch a guy beat off on his thigh and then he can play a game every he can play one game every time he lets some stronger richer man than him beat off on him against his will how about that big ben has to follow him around everywhere he goes and just jack off we were talking about this on last night's show but isn't it weird that a judge is like having to do the equation of like yeah okay 25 women jacked off onto against will. That sounds like about six games of football.
You know, like, yeah. You can't play football for six weeks.
I also didn't fully realize, but the judge, it was kind of a power move by her because she just threw the NFL's language back in their face. It says right here, non-violent sexual predators six games is correct.
So she just threw it right back at them and like, figure that out yeah proving that their whole shit i mean the nfl has we you guys know this but anybody it's like there's no fucking standards they just do whatever the fuck they want no yeah um but at the same time it's like all right well just because they're fucking dumb pieces of shit doesn't mean that you gotta hold yourself to their standard right you know what i mean it's like and also fuck the browns fans for being like, yeah, Deshaun. Only six games.
You needed to wait a day. You needed to wait a day.
I think you need to wait a lot longer than a day. No, just saying, we got 11 weeks still with Deshaun.
We all knew that that was like, the minute it was announced, everyone who follows sports was like, oh, the Browns must be pumped. You know what I mean? Because they made a bet in six games.
And that's the thing. Anytime you're like, I'm betting on a sex criminal getting a light sentence, that's the good thing that can happen for me? You're fucked.
But the bet paid off. That's the craziest part.
They literally made a correct bet. Right, right, right.
Which is nuts. Yeah.
Anyone that's ever studied. But it's almost like betting on Hitler to win World War II.
Right. It's like you won, but it's like now you're the rapist franchise.
Yeah. Congratulations.
Who gives a fuck? There's always got to be one in the AMC North. Of course.
In the AMC North. Yeah.
If you know anything about how that shit progresses too, yeah, he's not technically a rapist, but he was probably on his way there before he got caught. Yeah, who knows? That deviant shit that he was doing.
Oh, my God. That's not stuff that- This is him in his fucking 20s? Yeah, this is not stuff that just stops.
You don't just wake up one day and be like, you know what? I'm sick of getting, you know, of jacking off on girls against their will. I think I'll just go back to normal sex now.
Yeah, absolutely. That's not how it works.
You just keep pushing those boundaries until you get to a very, very, very bad place. A hundred percent.
And also, this is how he behaved when he was a multi-millionaire, quarterback star, hot as shit in his 20s. That's not the height of your creepdom.
No. When he becomes like a fat fucking former player who's like money's gone, it's like how do you think he's going to need to come then? You know what I mean? He's like, it's going to be fucked up.
He's going to have a fucking – he would have had a fucking basement, a fucked up basement. I'll tell you that much.
It is funny to think that the AFC North has done a very good job of just passing the torch. A hundred percent.
Like Ray Lewis to Big Ben to Deshaun. Ray Lewis was a quit.
No, no, no. Ray ain't do nothing.
Don't you dare put him in this fucking category. And the Bengals have just been like a brush fire the entire time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
They're just so fucking horrible. The AFC North has done a great job.
They committed their crimes on the field. Like Vontaze Burr.
Right. He did all his shit out in the open.
What a name, by the way. Vontaze Burr.
Yes, yes. All right, so where do we want to start? Do you want to whip around? Let's go AFC North.
Okay. Close to home.
Stay there. Stay there.
Raven's number one, baby. Pay the man.
Pay the man. Joe Burrow is number one.
Fuck you guys. That's not even close.
Fuck Joe Burrow. It was a fluke.
If you're talking about coolness and ability to pick up chicks in the- Yeah, it's true. Joe Burrow is who Jack Harlow thinks he is.
You know what I mean? He's like, he is hot as shit. He's got great hair.
He's got confidence that's real confidence, not fake confidence. True confidence.
Already got to a Super Bowl. And yet, obviously, I cannot sit here and say that it's not going to be right.
You understand this. Yeah.
Philosophically, I just, I believe, even, it's like, I don't even, I can't even, Lamar is such a fucking weird guy. I can't even fathom how he fucks.
Yeah. Like him being his own, him being his own like fucking agent is weird, but it could be that kind of thing where it's like a weird guy often has either he can't fuck at all or he has top shelf dick.
Right. You know what I mean? Like you get like a fucking weird.
I've had friends of mine who are like, I fucked some anime nerd and he fucking wore me out. And I'm kind of thinking Lamar's got, he's so strange, but when he zeroes in on pussy he goes fucking beast mode on i don't know if you can if you can like find you have to find somebody athletic enough to be his partner that's true yeah he would absolutely he jukes out of yeah he's one of aaron's shits yeah i love the idea that his like wife is trying to fuck him he's like no no no he's like playing hard to get and he's like Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's like one stroke, spin move, butt, spin move, catch up with this.

I think that's exactly the analysis, though, because the Ravens have a very high floor ceiling. I could see the Ravens winning the AFC North, but they could also have a lot of turnover and their offense doesn't look great right now.
And then the Bengals are consistent. And then the Steelers, I mean, we're friends with Kenny and Mitch.
Fuck the Steelers. Kenny and Mitch can suck my dick and balls.
But they're right in the middle. They're right in the middle in foot game, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But Kenny and Mitch, I think, will just give you a solid quality start. Six innings, three earned runs.
I think you've got to take them both at the same time. So in this situation, you have to be like, it's Kenny and Mitch double teaming.
Kenny and Mitch double teaming. Okay.
Between them, they could satisfy one woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can see that. They tag each other in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go.
I'm getting tired. Mitch has the pussy wide open.
He just throws it to the left. He puts his dick on her thigh.
That hurts. That hurts.
I'm not going to laugh at that one.

That hurts.

She's got her mouth open waiting for the cum shot.

It just goes behind her.

I was open.

I was open, Mitch.

You could have hit me right in the tonsils.

It slipped out of my cock.

What can I say? All right, so that's AFC North. That went well.
Let's go AFC East. Okay.
I mean, Mac Jones. Fuck.
I hate that. I also hate the...
Oh, no. Sorry.
Not Mac Jones. Zach Wilson.
Zach Wilson is the answer. Zach Wilson, the baby face dollar.
He's the answer. It is the answer.
Sala fucks can tell Sala he puts in work absolutely Sala you know what Sala for sure I think Sala's a guy that like he's probably been fucking the same person for 10 years but knows exactly what makes them tick he's got his system he's in he's out he's efficient he's efficient but you're busting he might even have a clipboard while he's fucking absolutely being like okay alright we okay, all right, we did foreplay. Yeah.
And I will say what's nice about Sala and Zach Wilson is they fill in each other's gaps. You know what I mean? It's like Sala's a fucking veteran pussy getter.
Zach Wilson's the baby face. You know, he seems to be slinging that dick.
He seems to be fucking milfs. Sala's right there with the earpiece.
The earpiece is very important very important. Because Zach Wilson has what he needs.
He's got the physical tools, but he doesn't have the know-how. And I think with Sala in his ear, that's...
He's got a wristband. Big ear for the Jets.
I like that. I like that pick.
I mean, Josh Allen is a friend of ours as well. He's obviously probably a consummate fucker.
Josh Allen is a... I think if you're betting on the highest ceiling of fucking, on like the highest ceiling of dark horse jets yeah i can't again i don't hate him as much as the fucking stealers obviously but i just cannot i cannot bring myself to give the patriots any sort of uh any sort of like you know compliments whatsoever the one too much and also you'll remember i mean the ravens have played spoiler to them a lot of times we've had we've had a lot we've we're like a sneaky rival of the Patriots that like nationally people don't fucking talk about but like we fucked we almost fucked up their undefeated season in the regular season that when we sucked that was close I fucking broke a dorm room cabinet where I was pissed off because I wanted us to win I remember exactly where I was UMBC dorms Patapsco watching that game and then you know we had we've just we a lot of battles with them.
We beat them in the playoffs. So I just can't bring myself to do it.
Whatever the fuck they're doing with the offensive coordinators are weird. Yeah.
So you could have a lot of – there's a lot of miscommunication on fuck strategy, I think. Even if they have the raw tools, they don't know.
Are we eating pussy first? Right. Are we going for the ass? Right.
You know what I mean? I think the wires might get. It's like, neither of those guys even know shit about offense.
Right. What the fuck is the guy's name? The guy used to- Matt Patricia.
Patricia. The beard, yeah.
Cannot fuck. Right.
There's no chance Matt Patricia fucks. No.
Pretends he does, has the aura that he does, but once his dick comes out, he's scared. That's what I said about him.
Matt Patricia's like a guy that absolutely loves porn, he loves the cinematography of it right he likes watching it and he knows the history of porn he beats off too much to be good at fucking he knows like all the best directors he's taking notes I think the Dolphins but Steve Belichick I actually think he's got the tongue actually he's the rug nepotism. You know, it's like Bill fucks, but can his son fuck? Right.
We're not going to just let him fuck on name only. Exactly.
Exactly. We got to see it.
And then Mike McDaniels in the Dolphins. I feel like he's a very cool guy, but he strikes me as a guy who gets too high and forgets to fuck.
And also their quarterback situation is a fucking mess. We're two and on.
anon we're i'm a two and you're two and i'm part of two aren't they weirdly religious to like the two brothers like there's some kind of weird christian like some some fucked ups going on there definitely don't know how to fuck yeah maybe when they're finally unleashed maybe you know like they'll go crazy like a like a kid like an amish kid in rumspringer you know what i mean but like tua doesn't know how to fuck they're bottom of the barrel as far as i'm concerned to just got married to his i think his college sweetheart oh which is weird like this far outside of college like that just tells me that he's thinking like yeah you know what college was the best time yeah oh no you're so right it was awesome sell your fucking I want to play the field of Miami. It's Miami.
Yeah.

Like. Yeah.
Oh, no. You're so right.
That shit was awesome. Oh, sell your fucking two of stock.
He's like, I want to play the field of Miami. It's Miami.
Yeah. Like, he went to Miami, and then he's like, you know what? This girl I met in Alabama, I think that's about as good as it's going to get.
Oh, you're so right. Fuck-wise, that's the nail in the coffin.
He's done. He'll be out of the league in two years.
Yeah, because if he married her right after, he'd be like, all right, that makes sense. Of course.
Yeah. Divorce coming.
Yeah. And then, yeah, Mike McDaniels, he does seem to me like he would basically just be sitting on a couch so high and the girl would be like, hey, you want to do something? He's like, no, I'm watching Netflix right now.
And the next thing you know, he's falling asleep next to his bong and you're like, alright. Right.
He's like, there's some interesting stuff going on about 9-11. I don't know if you've heard about it.
She's like, I'm going to bed. I'm taking out the vibrator.
I'm going to bed. I can also see him getting domed out though.
Like he's wearing a mask and just like chained up against a wall. He's just getting, not ever fucking, but just the guy that, have you ever seen the videos of the dudes that just get like kneed in the balls repeatedly? Sure, sure.
That's kind of like what I picture him doing. Just get stepped on.
I could say, but I think he's more go with the flow, though. You know? I think there's other subs in the NFL.

Okay.

Like more specific subs.

Yeah.

You know?

All right.

AFC South.

AFC South.

I love Davis Mills.

We're Davis Mills, guys. Okay.

His long-ass neck.

Long neck is a good sign.

Yeah.

A lot of pussy and nexterity.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Thank you.
A lot of pussy eating dexterity. Yes, yes, yes.
Trevor Lawrence, I don't think he fucks.

No, there's something wrong.

Something's off there.

Doug Peterson, he fucks with the visor on.

Yes, for sure.

And he's got...

Doug Peterson is probably the top of my list for swingers.

Yes.

Like, he definitely seems like...

Absolutely.

Leave the garage door, crack open, come on in, I got a hot tub.

Yep, yep, yep.

The whole fucking town.

You like my wife's... I fucking town you like my wife's

I saw you looking at my wife's tickets

give him a squeeze

give him a squeeze

the whole cul-de-sac

is coming to Doug Peterson's house

to get sucked and fucked

without question

without question

he's got like seven different blenders

in each room

this is my Thai room

he's got themed fuck rooms for sure

it's those guys

you see them at

the hedonism guys, the guys that go on these resorts where they're not in great shape, but they were at one point. They were, yep.
And you can kind of tell they got that confidence. Like, I won a Super Bowl.
I'll fuck all these chicks in front of my wife. 100%.
And I'll have her get fucked too. And then we'll go home.
With a smile on my face. Yeah, be happily married.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Four kids, who cares? That's probably why he kept starting Nick Foles.
Yeah. He was like, this dude fucks.
Yeah. I got to reward him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What he did to my wife.
Exactly. His wife's picking up the kids from soccer practice was just full of Nick Foles juice.
My God. We're never going to get an interview with Matt after this.
Fuck. And then Matt Ryan.
Yeah, Matt Ryan is. Matt Ryan is Matt Ryan.
Matt, you know what? Matt Ryan's like, he's really good at missionary. Yep, yep.
He likes it. No, he's the guy.
Actually, what you were talking about with Salo, where it's like, he fucks his wife well. Yeah.
That's what we'll say about Matt Ryan Ryan. He sees a colored nipple that he's not familiar with, he'll freak out.
If his wife's nipples are hot pink and he sees a dark brown, he doesn't know what to do. Yeah, he goes to WebMD.
He's been doing the same thing for a long time. He does it well.
And he's solid at it. Frank Reich, I think Frank Reich is one of those guys that's so religious that they just don't fuck.
Sure. Yes, I think you're on the...
And we'll come across a couple football guys like that, for sure. Yeah, and then AFC West is...
Well, it's Vrabel. Oh, yeah, Vrabel.
Until he cuts his dick off. Yeah, that's true.
Vrabel, yeah. We actually shouldn't talk about Vrabel because his wife is also a big fan of this show.
Oh, interesting. Well, you're a very lucky woman for now.

Yes, yes, yes.

Until that suitable question.

Mike, we love you and your family.

Congrats.

Congrats, absolutely.

On everything.

Yep, we know you fuck, Mike.

Whatever that includes.

We know you lay pipe.

He lays pipe really well at first and then gets tired halfway through.

All right, so AFC West. I don't know where...
I mean, Russell Wilson's... Who the fuck knows? It's so interesting about him because I think it's like...
Obviously, your initial knee jerk is he doesn't fuck, right? Right. Obviously, the initial thing is like he's too much of a fucking loser.
Yeah. He wants to pretend he's cool.
He can't actually fuck. But he's you know he's been married to somebody who absolutely fucks there's no way around it right he's like a nerd who's got who's been tutored to learn how to correct he watches youtube videos on how to eat yes absolutely yes his wife is walking him through it she's got she's yes dexter she's athletic in her own right yeah and even though he is a fucking loser, in the right context, he can fuck.
He's coachable. That's exactly what it is.
He's like, you know, move your leg here. And he's like, yes, I'll do whatever.
I think you're exactly right. I think he studies the Kama Sutra.
He'll try anything on. But when the rubber meets the road, he doesn't have that rhythm.
He doesn't have that. He'll get in any position that you want him to be in.
He'll do an adequate job, but the passion's not there. I actually think that Russell Wilson probably cares so much about doing a good job that he would invite his trainer to help him with the rhythm.
Watch him fuck. Yeah, he's fucking CR and his trainer's moving the hips forward.
He's spotting him. He's like, all right, here you go.
Activate the glutes, Ross. Activate the glutes.
Let your cheeks free. Too much tension in the cheeks, Ross.
And he's just in the room with him. And he's like, yeah, this is, I mean, hey, listen, we all came.
Remember when his hand was broken? He took those dry reps on the practice field. He probably does that in front of the mirror.
Just like fully hard, no partner. No partner.
Just working on the cross. Absolutely.
Patrick Bateman style. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But like a nice, benign Patrick Bateman. Of course, of course.
He could also just like admit when he's not getting the job done, I think, and he would build an actual fuck robot to take his job. Ooh, you're so right.
The fucking machine. I don't think he has fuck ego.
I think he has in the rest of his life. I think he cares about how he's perceived.
Correct. And I think in actual fucking, he will do whatever is necessary.
Yes, he wants to win. And he's been elevated, sexually he's been elevated with you know, it's Sierra's program.
You know what I mean? Right. It's like, you know, like fucking Andrew Wiggins gets to be an all-star this year because he's with the Warriors.
Yeah, right.

That's how he is sexually.

He's got great teammates.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

He's not the star.

He's a sexual all-star and even then borderline,

and it's all because of his wife.

Right, if he had to carry his own team,

it would be a total disaster.

Forget about it.

20 wins.

Right, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, Mahomes.

I mean, Mahomes, I think, can do anything.

Yeah.

He just can do anything.

Absolutely.

It's like he is just so athletic that even though his swag levels

Thank you. Right.
Mahomes, I mean, Mahomes, I think, can do anything. Yeah.
He just can do anything. Absolutely.
It's like he is just so athletic that even though his swag levels are low, they're high. You know what I mean? It's like it doesn't make any sense, but he's just that gifted that he can fuck.
Right. I think, yeah, his abilities become his swag.
He doesn't need any extra. Exactly.
He doesn't have to work on anything else. Exactly.
He just knows. In fact russell whiston thinks is going on correct you know it's like that but it's like no dude sorry this is a different level right and then of course fucking my boy andy you know you know he's getting his nipples sucked he's got he hasn't been hard in 10 years but he still comes soft you know what i mean it's like a wet noodle don't even consider penetrative intercourse, but he's doing everything else.
He's a master tactician. He knows how to run a sexual offense.
Holmes can hit a cum shot from across the room. Looking away.
He's a dick behind his back somehow. Andy he doesn't need to be touched really he could just be like yeah he can come hands-free his wife's like i'm done and he's like okay yeah so that they're my pick yeah even though they're loaded uh the the west is loaded And then the whole, you know.
Derek Carr is, I don't know what he's. Nah, mid, mid.
Again, similar to Matt Ryan, I think. Yeah.
His generation's Matt Ryan, you know, basically. It's not a lack of effort.
It's just, you know, there's limitations to everything. And you're fine.
Yeah. You're not even bad.
It's just like, I don't know. You just, something's missing.
A little panache is missingache is missing I don't know what it is but then fucking Herbert is fucking is that he's in that division right that fucking kid fucks without question I think he's like Jackrabbit I think he just goes like pound town but the hair he's young he's really young he's inexperienced he might just be one of those guys that's like fast as possible. Still, though, if he wasn't in the division with, again, Andy and Mahomes are a one-two punch.
You're not beating them, but he's just being blocked by them. I do think he does play with some swag.
I think he fucks with that similar swag. He has all the tools to become an incredible fucker.
Yes, absolutely. The building blocks are there.
Stamina is great. Without question.
Again, just the better version of Zach Wilson sexually. I would say that.
Okay, NFC. Start with the East? Start with the East, okay.
He's doing that little, he fucks with that little warm-up move. Yeah, you're right.
He's really good spoon side to side. He's really good like spoon style.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes. Okay, so then we got and then Mike McCarthy.
That's a disaster. McCarthy.
He's got it, dude. Exactly.
He's spilling on himself in the bedroom. I'm like, where the fuck did this mustard come from? He's just like, he goes to eat pussy, trips fucking, trips a tooth on his wife's clit.
He's got like a packet ketchup in his pocket. He just blows up.
There's a question like, are you bleeding? Am I bleeding? No, it's ketchup. He gets his foot stuck in a bucket.
He disqualifies the Cowboys. You're so right.
He's so bad. He might be the worst guy getting pussy in the whole league.
He's the infomercial where he's just spilling everything. He's in black and white.
Spilling everything on the car. And then Andy Reid is the in-color version of him.
There's got to be a better way. Andy Reid with a fucking vibrator.
Just like the most sophisticated vibrator you've ever seen. He's working it like a fucking maestro.
Like Yo-Yo Ma plays a cello. Oh, fuck.
All right. Eagles.
Eagles. We got an Eagles fan now.
Batgirl over here. Okay.
Yeah. She's an Eagles fan.
I don't know, man. The fucking...
I think Sirianni has... He's like drunk sex at the Jersey Shore.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like, it's fun at the time, but then later on you're going to be like, that was... I could have done better than that.
Absolutely that absolutely and then their quarterback situation it's like you want to believe in what's his name jalen hurts you want to believe in him but then it's like a little too now i'll say for jalen hurts the dude squats like 650 pounds so there's definitely power there definitely power but there's just i just to equate him quarterback wise it's just like it's a coin flip you're either going to really bust or or it's going to be a bad night. Yeah, like I feel like he would be – Jalen Hurts is fucking powerfully, but he just never hits the G spot.
Yes, yes, yes. If you could just get it a little bit – And you're tantalized.
Yeah, if you get a little over, this would be the best sex of my life. But it's never coming, baby.
Yeah, right, right, right. God damn it, like everything is right, but you just can't find it just absolutely absolutely uh i think we nailed that one that was absolutely correct sorry even back girls sorry buddy yeah oh carson wentz he doesn't fuck no no he when he's spraying both of his ankles yeah i think that was just a ploy for him to be like i get to be on bottom for the next Yeah, I'm afraid of both of his ankles.
Yeah. I think that was just a ploy for him to be like, I get to be on bottom for the next month.
Yeah. He's like, yeah, I'm just going to get blowjobs.
Yeah. A big dick that's useless.
That's Carson Wentz. He actually, yeah, he is a dude who probably gets blowjobs like, you know, like 10x what he gets back.
Yes, yes, yes. Where he's just like, oh, I got to eat pussy.
And he's like, I've blown you like seven nights in a row. He's like, yeah, but it's just so annoying.
Yeah. I also think that anybody that's that into hunting, hunting's fine.
But that dude fucking loves to kill birds. Yeah.
Right. Like he goes on those hunting trips and he's got like 400 dead birds.
I hate that. That's fucked up.
Something's weird about that. Because sex is a very primal thing.
And I feel like you're getting your nut off in a certain way with actual violence towards animals instead of fake violence towards your wife's pussy. Yes, he does.
And then I think Ron Rivera's just a consummate pro. Yeah.
Like, he just does. He's one of those gets the job done.
Of course. I think he's got the transition lenses.
Yeah. When they turn to the sunglasses.
Absolutely. That means he's horny.
Yeah, you think it's triggered by the light, but it's just pheromones. Something goes off and gets cloudy, his wife knows.
Ron Rivera also strikes me as a guy who, like, he can't make passionate love, but he knows, like, how to get to the love type of area. Yes, yes, yes.
Like, he's doing all the right things where it's like, we make love. Absolutely.
It's not the best love. It's not Fabio.
You have no complaints, it's not sex it's love yes yes it is love for sure it's definitely love and then who are we forgetting oh the Giants Daniel Jones I think that's bad they're fucked just slippery tiny little hands yeah yeah yeah yeah Daniel Jones Daniel Jones accidentally hits the butthole when he's trying to have vaginal sex and she doesn't even even care because his dick is so small. She's like, maybe I'll feel it this time.
What the fuck? You have your pinky out? Yeah, the Giants stink for sure. I think Dable can fuck, though.
Yeah, no, Dable can fuck. Okay.
I think bald dudes, people that shave their heads, there's something about it where it's like, that guy, he's been around pussy. Yeah, yeah.
I'm not as familiar with Dable. I just always think about the Giants just not knowing what they're doing.
Yeah. And just like, by default, they're not going to fuck good.
Yeah. All right, NFC South.
I guess we should start with Brady. I mean, he definitely fucks.
He fucks. It sucks to say, but he fucks.
He fucks. He fucks and he fucks well.
It's annoying and he fucks really good. He's like almost a better version of Russell Wilson where like he will, if he does something wrong, he will fix it the next five.
Like, oh, I made that mistake. I will never make this mistake again.
And he doesn't eat carbs. You know what I mean? Yeah.
So it's like only sex, but it's hot sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And nourishment. He's getting a lot of his calories from pussy juice.
Yeah, that's true. He's on a strict diet.
So he's eating pussy out of hunger, too. He's satiating him.
He's probably isolated the enzymes. At certain days, he makes Giselle take her temperature.
He's like, okay, this is high quality. This, this is going to actually improve my joint elasticity if I get down on that beef right now.
Or would Giselle really want, she'll just rub a Snickers on her pussy for a second. And he has that sugary gear.
It's just like... He's a dog licking a spoon.
You know when your dog, like, literally just licks everything? Yes, yes. Licking the air.
Even before he gets to it, he's licking the air. Yes, yes.
Simulating it. The only thing about Tom is he probably still remembers the mistakes that he's made fucking.
Oh, yeah. A hundred percent.
Photographic memory. It probably drives him to be great, but every now and again, you know he gets pissed off at himself.
Sure, sure. God damn it, Brady looking in the mirror with his beautiful body.
But he still sees that fucking Wolverine flabby weird motherfucker in the mirror.

Yeah, that's all he sees.

It's like, oh, shout.

He's like, this guy sucks.

Yeah, when he's fucking, he's thinking about how bad he used to be.

Who started in front of him?

Was it fucking...

Oh, not Chad Henson.

Henson, not Chad Henson.

And yeah, he's like saying the name, whatever, the Brady 7. Everyone who was saying, oh um not chad henson yeah and and yeah he's he's like saying the name the whatever the brady seven yeah who's saying before whatever the guy's name is fucking i don't even remember his name you guys can't fuck this way i think was one of them like these guys fuck yeah yeah yeah yeah he's got he's got drone footage of them fucking their wives he's like i have to fuck better than them all right uh Jameis definitely I mean unfortunately yeah we did we could just fast forward we'll skip past that I mean uh Jameis fucking has got to be like slapstick comedy Benny Hill music the whole time he accidentally turns around backwards and just like jam his butt on her 100% uh who Oh, Marcus Mariota.
Is that the starter quarterback for the Falcons? Yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, I think it's Mariota.
I feel like Hawaiians, they fuck. Yeah.
Like, point blank. I think Mariota is a guy that you think is going to turn you out, and it's just not.
And he's got his cock looks nice. Yeah.
You see it, and you start salivatingivating. Just a beautiful golden brown seven and a half.
And you're like, I cannot wait. And he just goes soft, his rhythm's off.
It's just like, but it's. The tools are there.
Again, the tools are, there's a lot of those. Jalen Hurts, yeah, right.
He kind of was Jalen Hurts before Jalen Hurts in a lot of ways. This should work and it does work sometimes, but not always.
It's never perfect. Yes, yes, yes.
And he'll fuck it up big time. And then Baker and Sam Darnold.
I mean, Sam Darnold, like... Mono.
Yeah, mono. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He can't even get to the fuck part. He's stuck making out with girls and hoboes.
Yeah, Sam Darnold, he'll kiss you and then he'll pass out. Yeah.
And I think Baker is a very... A guy who is skilled but his dick is four and a half inches.
You know what I mean? It's like he's trying so hard, but he's limited by his ability to read the pussy.

The effort's always there.

I won't even say four and a half.

I'll put him where my dick is, five and three quarters.

Whoa, you're five and three quarters?

I don't want to brag.

That's a brag.

Yeah.

That's a legit brag.

What the fuck, dude?

I'm a five and three quarters.

What can I say? I've said it before. Six on its tippy toes.
If I really want to stretch it. If you shave.
If you shave, you do that thing where you push your- Oh, the hand push. You take a dick pic.
You push it all the way down. You gotta get the hand pushed.
In fact, actually, here's what we should do. You guys are into merchandising and shit like that.
We need a fucking like some kind of gird almost no you know what it is with pubes on top of it yeah that pushes it back yeah it's the it's when you like have to take an x-ray the lead vest yeah we need the lead vest for your cock but it looks like pubes yeah right so it looks like skin yeah yeah you're right so it's not a hole in it yeah it's sticking out it's like almost like your dick is in a guillotine Yeah Yeah, you're right That's genius We need that It's a lead vest underwear Absolutely That's flesh colored And then pubes Flesh colored has pubes You got a belt that ties around the back You strap it in real tight You got to tighten it in Corset You just kind of Yeah I need 40 points on that Your balls start sticking out Like two extra inches up From. It's like, wow, this guy's got the longest balls I've ever seen.
All right, where are we at? NFC North. NFC North.
Rogers, definitely. He's Sting.
He's fucking for four days straight. And he's got something to prove.
He used to just lazily fuck, but now it's like, I got something to fucking prove. I was going to leave.
I'm still here. Right.
So he's got a fucking... He's got a...
He's got... It's multiple orgasms.
It's everything. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. He started fucked like a champ.
You're busting. He's eating pussy.
You're not... He's not stopping until you bust three times.
Right. Then he's dicking you down Then for a while He was like Look I'm fuck I'm not eating pussy I'll finger pop you Until you come But that's it You know he was lazy with it Of course had to deal with The sexual He had to deal with Mike McCarthy The sexual volleys The sexual volleys Of Mike McCarthy That's a DVD I'd watch The sexual volleys of Mike McCarthy.
So he got a little disillusioned. And now he's back.
He's been studying weird shit. He's got a hot boy calling the plays now with Matt LaFleur.
It's not just McCarthy. When he got there, he was backing up Brett Favre.
He had like a four-inch dick. And he's over there like, why is this motherfucker starting in front of me? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then if you notice like the girls that he's dated, they get like crazier and crazier as time goes on. Oh yeah, he's into some other weird shit.
He's seen, he has forgotten more about sex than I'll ever know. Yeah, right, right.
But he's also like searching for like the next, the next triumph that he hasn't even attempted yet. He's just laying there like, like with his legs crossed making her cum.
Right. Like she's just sitting on his lap.
He's not even doing anything.

He's got a crystal butt plug in.

He's into some weird crystal shit now.

He's aligning his cock chakras.

He did get the crystals from Danica.

Oh, there you go.

One of the weirdest moments on this podcast

is when I showed her the...

Have you ever seen the Kredits' ad?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The guy, the jerk-off energy?

Yes, yes.

I showed that to Danica Patrick. And she's like, what? Because she's big into crystals.
And we're like, so? Like, you ever seen this guy? Is he at the crystal shop? Now, is Dan a witch? That's got to be crazy, too. Something's fucked up sexually.
So anytime a man in his mid to late 30s starts to lose his mind, he which does appear is going on halfway with rogers got the hair got the fucking that tat that tattoo says i'm open i'm open to any orifice you want to play with you know what i mean it's like i'm i'm a fucking uh he's he's good he's gonna get into some freaky shit so it does unfortunately big cat i hate to say this to you it is it is it is rogers yeah yeah I mean, Justin Fields is like, I don't even know if you can, I don't even know if

we can say how he fucks his, like, who the fuck knows?

We don't, yeah.

And he's a vegan.

That's tough.

So it's like, that's never good.

Vegan quarterback's not good.

Yeah.

No, it's very bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it makes me nervous.

Kirk Cousins is like vegan adjacent.

Yeah.

Oh, Kirk Cousins.

Kirk Cousins.

The foil on the grill.

He wears three condos.

Yeah.

I was just going to say.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And she's got the dental dam or whatever in it too. It's a max protection.
They've both just showered. He always needs max protection.
That's actually true. Clean sheet shower.
Clean sheet shower. Three condoms and a dental dam.
No flavor whatsoever going on in that fuck session. He's getting ahead with a condom on it.
He's been married for 10 years. We've got to be safe.
We've got to be safe. Yeah.
Oh, fuck. And then, yeah, Justin Fields, I don't think, does whatever.
I'm rooting for him. I actually do.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
I'm also admitting, it's more, I've said it before, but, like, I think he could be a great quarterback, but he's not going to do it with the Bears.

Right.

Because they're just not going to set him up to be successful. It's like sometimes when people go through who the Knicks could have drafted, and it's

like, if he comes to the Knicks, he's fucked.

He's out of the league.

Yeah, Steph Curry's ankles would have broken in the first year that he was in New York.

That's just a fact.

Yeah, yeah.

Without question.

And then Goff is a good friend of ours.

I'd say he just fucks.

He has great sex.

Yeah, great sex.

Incredible sex. I do think Goff fucks.
Best sex. Dan Campbell fucks.
Oh, Dan Campbell fucks. Dan Campbell fucks.
It gets bad. Dan Campbell, he injures himself.
His wife's in an ice bath after he fucks her. Imagine him just like, he literally is biting her kneecaps.
He's like, can you just go up a little? She's had to have her labia reattached. When we say eat pussy, Dan Campbell literally eats her pussy.
They probably compete. It's like, okay, only one of us is going to come.
But we're going to try to make the other one come. Iron serpent's iron.
Kevin O'Connell, the coach of the Vikings. There's no film out there.
No. So we don't know.
I just assume that. I don't even know who that guy is.
So he comes from like the McVay tree, all that stuff. Okay.
I put him in the ranks of like a dude that you hear from your friends in high school. Like the best way to eat pussy, spell the alphabet.
Right. That's the trick to it.
Right, right, right. And then he's going to absolutely botch it the first time.
He's getting watered down McVay. Yep.
Yep. McVay sexual fucking like got to go where? NFC South? No, we did NFC South.
NFC West is our last one. Speaking of McVay, we've covered him before.
Yeah, McVay. He fucks a little too vain.
Maybe looking in the mirror too much. Lose the sight of the pussy, but overall good.
McVay definitely. Actually, the NFC West, because Kingsbury and McVay are very similar.
Right. They definitely have the mirrors on top of the pussy, but overall good.
McVay definitely, actually the NFC West, because Kingsbury and McVay are very similar. They definitely have the mirrors on top of the bed so they can watch themselves fuck.
It mirrors everywhere. He's doing push-ups before he fucks so he looks hotter to himself in the mirror.
Yeah, their bedroom is just a fun house of mirrors. He's got to be vascular when he fucks.
He's got to see his own veins when he fucks. McVay's like one Super Bowl away from piercing both his nipples.
And just staring at him the whole time. Frosted tips and just we can see the piercings through the polo.
That would be... Dude, McVay...
The Cuomo? If McVay goes Cuomo on this next season, dude, that would be sick. McVay has like daddy energy, but he's not old enough yet.
Yes. You're so right about that.
We got to pierce those nips. I know the Super Bowl.
Their next Super Bowl ring will be nipple rings. Just fucking 80 carats weighing his nipples down.
All right, so, I mean, Kyler, not to be so on the point, but he definitely has a girlfriend who's like, we stopped playing video games. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The whole time. I randomly saw that guy.
I was in Texas. Is he from Texas? I don't know.
This was a couple years ago. I was just getting breakfast with a childhood friend and moved there.
And he was like, I think that's Kyle Murad. I was like, there's no way that's Kyle.
That guy's fucking... He is so much littler than you think he's going to be.
And he's sick. He's good's good at football yeah and i do think similarly he's kind of what i said about baker he's sort of like the turbo baker where it's like you know he's limited by his uh body type sexually but also just like attention span in his yeah no he's like his girlfriend is definitely like doing like you know very like incredible like walks in front of the TV with lingerie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Getting like more and more naked. Of course.
And he's like, no, we're in the gulag right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll deal with it in a minute. And then he goes in and he fucks for like five minutes.
He's like back to the stairs. I can see him being really into chicks that are like six foot three.
And he's just eating standing on his feet. Yeah.
And she's got like one leg over his shoulder. That sounds awesome, dude.
Yeah, they're doing the standing 69, but she's standing. Yeah.
That would be awesome. She's holding him upside down.
That would be sick, dude. I hope he dates like a female wrestler.
China, rest in peace. China, all right.
She's walking around with him strapped to her belly like it's a Bjorn. He's in a baby Bjorn.
He's got his dick down. They're fucking like that.
Oh, fuck. Pete Carroll? Crystal clear for me.
I think Pete Carroll has great, like, probably the best sex any NFL head coach. But in my mind, he's having sex with like a beautiful female version of exactly Pete Carroll.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, Pete Carroll strikes me as he has great sex, but it's like birthdays and anniversaries only.
You know what I mean? Like, all right, today's, you know. But I do think he'll randomly get in the mood.
It's birthday anniversary, and then sometimes something will hit.

When he's sitting in like a Cialis tub.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In the middle of the Pacific Northwest.

Absolutely.

I just think if you're like a hot 50-year-old woman,

just watching Pete Carroll chew gum would get my pussy out.

Yes, oh yeah.

He's big time batty.

Treat my fucking clit like that.

Like that piece of double bubble.

They're fucking in the rain.

He still got the raincoat on top, but nothing underneath. Just hunched over.
Yeah, intense. Drew Locke.
I feel like Drew Locke just fucks like a junior frat guy. Yeah.
He's just like, he comes really fast. He's like, it's just because you're so hot.
Yeah. You nailed him.
Absolutely. He's like, I can go again in 10 minutes.
Yeah, give me a sec. Give me a sec.
Absolutely there yeah he goes he crushes like a protein shake he's like I'm ready to go I got my electrolytes I'm ready to fuck again he's Billy he's Billy Drew Locke definitely texts like all his friends from college after he has sex he's like just fucked us hot bitch another notch on the belt yeah he's got his 45 seconds yeah seconds yeah he and his boys have a no tap of a running towel kill count yeah it says kill count you're so right he knows to the person how many chicks he's had sex with 276 and he's like while he's at the bar not even while he's fucking while he's at the bar he's thinking about texting his boys yes he wishes he could fuck his friends and he has to use women as the conduit for sexual love between him and his fucking lifting partners.

The sex is very much secondary

to the text after.

And he's like,

you know,

he's got like a nice house.

He calls it the boneyard.

He's got like,

hey,

another slay at the boneyard.

He's got fucking Tito's bottles

on his cabinets.

Oh,

no bed frame, just a box spring right on the carpet. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Without question. That's exactly who he is.
I think the last we got is we got the Niners. Kyle Shanahan.
Kyle Shanahan is definitely a tactician. Tactician.
He's good. He's good.
I like Jimmy G's game. A lot of people disrespect Jimmy G because of the whole porn star thing.

Sure.

He took her on a date.

Like, what a gentleman.

He didn't have to do that.

He took her out to a nice dinner.

Yeah, Jimmy G fucks.

And he's also so hot that he doesn't have to do a lot.

And they're not even mad.

Yeah, right.

You know what I mean?

If I don't make a woman come, I'm hearing about it.

Jimmy G ain't getting any complaints.

They're waking up next to Jimmy G and they're like, this is my life life this is awesome yeah yeah it doesn't matter yeah whatever you want to say he is definitely better at sex than he is at being a quarterback and he's a solid quarterback yeah i think jimmy g has he's got like a very intricate scheme of plans whenever he brings a girl home because he always has like a second girl that he also wants to fuck right so like he'll have sex and then he'll come up with a reason like oh you gotta go because like i got a house cleaner coming in right she goes out the other girl passes her in the hallway on the way into his apartment he's like okay let's go or he even he doesn't even fucking care he's just got women are in there like they're ready waiting for an audition i mean he's just he's got a lobby in his house for a pussy lobby. He's got a deli machine.
Yeah. Take a number.

Yeah.

A hundred percent. All right.
So that was great. That was good.
I feel good. I think we, yeah, again, we're not going to put any of these clips out in social because we do want to do interviews again.
Right. Right.
But this is for everyone who's listening or watching on YouTube. Yeah.
This was a fantastic segment. Enjoy.
I think it's Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs. Yeah.
From what we've gone through here. It's going to be Chiefs versus who in the NFC? Who do we decide fuck's the best? Is it going to be Brady? I think it is.
I think it is. We kind of came to that conclusion, right? Or Rodgers, unfortunately, big can't cover your ears.
It's true. Just purely fuck-wise.
He's going to win another. I know it.
Yeah. Because it's just, it's going to kill me.
Yeah. He's going to win another.
Because that's like the whole, I love just being like, if you have one Super Bowl, you have none. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's like, no, he's going to win another. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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All right, so should we do the Mount Rushmore? Let's do fucking Mount Rushmore. So what did you, I brought like famous breakups.
See, I brought like. What'd you bring? Famous breakups? Yeah.
Yeah. Fuck.
I brought like ways to get broken up with. Okay.
I brought like, you know. Okay.
You know what I mean? That might have been confusing. Do you want to take a second and think of famous breakups? I think we're just going to have to have a disjointed mouth.
Okay. All right.
That's fine. Yeah.
That's fine. That's great.
All right. Yeah.
Perfect. I think we're going to have you guys naming stuff that you hated that broke up and I'm going going to have ways that devastated you that you got broken up with.
Okay. All right.
So you start. I'll go second.
PFT will go third, and we'll come back around. So Mount Rushmore breakups.
You guys start since we're not really competing. All right.
Okay. I'll start.
You know what I mean? I'll go one-one. Calm down.
Okay. Done.
That's fair. That's fair.
Easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Easy. Broke everyone's heart.
Sorry to do it. I mean, what the fuck? Yeah.
Yeah. I have no explanation.
You did get the nice, like, Jesus and Mero breaking up right after. Right.
Helped you a little. Took a little heat off.
He took a little heat off of you. Something was in the air.
Yeah, something was. If you believe in crystals and all that kind of shit, maybe there was something in the air.
Yeah, PFT and I actually had to have one of those talks like, are we okay? Like, are we good? Is this marriage still working out? The inkling of doubt is in there and that's hard to get out. What's the Adam Driver movie, the fucking marriage story? Yeah, if you watch that with your wife or girlfriend, you definitely walked away being like, wait, are we good? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was heavy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everybody's got a couple that they look at and they're like, oh, they'll never break up. Yeah.
And then you find out they did. And that's what makes you think, oh, shit.
Like, if it happens to them, it's going to happen to them. Of course.
Of course. Of course.
All right. So, PFT, your next one.
This is kind of a sneaky one. I've got Matt Damon and Minnie Driver.
Ooh. Because everyone wanted them to be together.
Yes. They were a cute couple.
Yes. You remember how they broke up? No.
This is the craziest part. I think I do.
He goes on Oprah, and Oprah asks him, like, so how are you and Minnie doing? And he was like, oh, I'm single now. And Minnie didn't know.
Wow. She found out via his interview on oprah that he was dumping her that's brutal yeah that is brutal and there is always like whenever uh relationship happens like you know vince bond and jennifer anderson after the breakup like when they started dating everyone's like rooting for it yeah in real life yeah so it's an extra little uh of course they were they were cute and that movie's great you want you want that movie to be real.
You know what I mean? It's like your dumb brain is like, but. Like Star is Born.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. When Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga performed at the Oscars.
Of course. They were fucking, right? Yeah.
Like, they were definitely, yes. There was something, if I was their respective significant others, I would be pissed off.
It would have been, yeah, I mean, that was more than sex. Yeah.
That was mental sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They were. That was very in the moment.
Yes. All right.
So you now have ways to break up. This is like, yeah, just devastating breakups that you've gone through.
Or like a way to get broken up with. It's devastating.
Okay. You know, we'll start sports themed.
Getting murder suicided by your mistress in the spare condo you rented specifically to get side pussy in. Yeah.
We're talking to Steve McNair. Yeah.
R.I.P. That was bad too.
That was July 4th. Yeah.
Remember? Yeah. I remember it was raining in Chicago and it was like, oh, this already sucks.
Yeah. It was like Steve McNair got shot and killed.
It was like, whoa. Yeah.
This is a bummer of a July 4th. Yeah.
It was a tough July 4th. Steve McNair had gone from our enemy with the Ravens he was there for the last couple years, and that cocksucker fucking Peyton Manning, I thought we were going to beat him.
He beat us at home. That broke my heart.
But as far as breakups go, your mistress killing you is pretty- That's bad. That's bad.
I'm going to say that's bad. She was like a hostess at the Cheesecake Factory, too.
I'm going to say that's bad. He thought he had the deal of a lifetime right there.
He thought he was good to go. I'm going to go on a limb

and say that's bad. That's bad.
Yeah. You don't

want that. If you could avoid something, that

would be one thing to avoid. I would say not one again.

Yes, absolutely. Yes.
Okay, good

one. There's a snake back around.
Yes.

Alright, then I'll just stay with

I'll stay with this one kind of

applies to what you guys are doing. This is going to be very

funny too when we list this out and Stub's got first pick fucking Steve McNair getting murdered. That's a bad breakup.
That's a bad breakup. All right.
This one's sort of, this is between ours and it's, let me see here. Getting your cock chopped off and thrown into a field.
The poppet breakup. Your wife chopping your dick off and throwing it into a field.
I'm going to say right now you've won this mountain. They're just seeing cops walking through the field.
Looking for his dick. In a fire line.
Here, dick. And then when they can't find your dick, that's also insulting too.
Of course. My dick's so small.
I will say I look. They're going to bring out dogs to find your dick.
Oh, and then what if it gets hung? What if the dog chews it? Yes. Yes.
There's no cock sniffing dog. If it finds it, it's going to think it's food.
Yes. Yes.
Okay. Good pick.
Good pick. Thank you.
All right. Okay.
So for my second one, I'm going to go way back in the day. Joseph and Mary.
Ooh. They were betrothed to be married, and then Mary was like, hey, so I'm pregnant.
He's like, what do you mean? And she's like, well, it's God, so I didn't fuck anybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got cucked by God. God busted in me.
So you're going to be known throughout history as the biggest cuck of all time. Yes, yes, yes.
That's a tough one because it's like now it's like you know he's this fuck you know he's in he's a major figure in the one of the biggest religions ever but in that village they're like oh yeah oh god fucked your bitch okay he's in the bar he's like yeah so mary's pregnant but uh like it's god's yeah it's god yeah yeah sure yeah no yeah totally on me how bad was he at fucking that's yeah and how low was his self-esteem where he's pregnant, but it's God's. It's God's.
Sure, yeah. This rounds on me.
How bad was he at fucking? And how low was his self-esteem where he's like, okay, guess it's God. And then you have to raise Jesus as a stepdad.
Yeah. Like get a stepdad to Jesus with zero parenting experience.
You're not my real dad. Don't fuck this one up.
All right, I'll go back even farther than you then. Okay.
How about Pangea? Kind of fucked everything up. How much of the world's problems would have been solved if we all just lived on the same fucking stupid continent? Right.
It's like saying it's all together. Cops need to live in the neighborhoods that they police.
Yeah. Like we wouldn't be getting into these wars in the Middle East if we had to go over there for a barbecue every now and again barbecue we just all live on this fucking piece of land it's all together i'd love it how cool would it be if you just like yeah i'm going out to the ocean it just goes forever yeah that would be all the way like it takes you fucking forever to go all the way back totally take a road trip to china for dumplings yeah right yeah let's hop in the car yeah let's fucking go see Yeah, that would be fucking awesome.
And then the reverse, Chinese people being like, hey, let's go see fucking Iowa play Nebraska. All right.
Thanksgiving. I think time zones really do separate us as a globe.
Yeah. It's crazy to think about, but for most of the world right now, it's night outside.
Yes. It's light here.
We're never on the same page. Yes.
Yes. All right.
My next pick. This one I just personally love because it gave us so much content.
Bill and Melinda Gates breaking up. And the fact that we got like the Melinda was like, hey, I can't be with a guy who's like hanging out with Jeffrey Epstein.
Then we got the story about how Bill every year gets like a weekend to fuck his childhood sweetheart, which is the weirdest. Wait, really? I didn't even know that.
Dude, Bill Gates is such a fucking loser. He can have any girl in the world and his wife gave him a hall pass and he fucked someone his exact same age.
Brutal. Brutal.
I'm going to push back on that because I actually don't think that Bill Gates could

get anything besides his high school girlfriend.

What are you talking about?

He's got money.

Have you seen him?

Doesn't matter.

It's true.

Money buys every...

I think he might be the exception for it.

He looks like just a wet frog.

I mean, we're not saying it's going to be cheap.

No.

But he's going to get...

Okay.

He could pay $10 million.

He could fuck me.

He could give me $100 million.

I don't give a fuck.

You don't think like Alyssa Milano just picking one random lady would be like, or he just sees someone on TV? Isn't that what happened with fucking Prince Harry? He literally was watching Suits, and he was like, I'd like to fuck that lady. Yeah, I want to marry her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She looks like she could have my kids.
Bill Gates could do that with just a billion dollars. Literally, billion.
He could pay a woman a billion dollars to suck him off. Who's saying no? Instead he was like, yeah, remember that when I was 16 and we kissed underneath the bleachers? I'm going to fuck you.
But she's also 70? Those stories that came out are just so fucking funny. Money is wasted on those fucking nerds, dude.
Yeah, wasted. You have no imagination.
And listen, Bezos can suck my dick. He's a piece of shit.
He should pay his fucking workers a living wage. But he got yoked and he's on a fucking boat with high-class prostitutes.
Yes. That's a little better.
I'll give him that. He's spending his money a little better.
He has imagination. Yeah.
The fucking space shit is fucking stupid. But at the very least, you're having a good time on a boat, though he's not enjoying it You can tell he's pretending You throw me on a boat with a bunch of fucking models You like fucking paid to be there I'm having a good time But he's not He's on a boat with a bunch of beautiful women And he's like I really wish I was just in my office Figuring out how I could squeeze an extra out of every fucking transaction.
How to fine employees for pissing longer than 30 seconds. I think he's on a boat because he's like I feel like I should be on a boat with these hot chicks.
So I guess I've kind of turned around on it because Bill Gates understands he wouldn't be able to do it and he's like this is the only other pussy I'd like. This old pussy.
Yeah. That's the part that just blows my mind.
Where he's like, I know, you know how gross you are when you're 70 years old. Oh, yeah.
You see it every day. You're like, I want another 70.
Then again, I mean, yeah, we're not talking he should go 18. That's creepy.
No. But like 55.
Yeah. You know, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe like a fitness instructor on Instagram. Yes, yes.
Age appropriate. Not a secretary he jacked off to in fucking middle school.
Right. Right, exactly.
Yeah. All right, your next pick.
All right, my next pick, Mount Rushmore breakups, the Space Shuttle Challenger. That's one.
R.I.P. That's one.
That's a tough one. R.I.P.
I mean, everybody, it was on the news, like, live. It was very much live.
That must have been crazy to watch. Very much live.
I feel like we can joke about it because I don't remember watching it. Right.
I think that's the difference in what you're allowed to joke about. Right, right.
Like, right now, if we have, like, a 55-year-old listening, they'll be like, oh, that's fucked up. How dare you? But we do talk about it a lot to this day.
Right. Like, Pearl Harbor, I don't give a fuck at all.
And it was, like, some old lady's the worst day of her life. Right.
You know what I mean? Yeah, right. And that's how Zoomers have even more fun with 9-11.
Like a Zoomer will go up to like somebody like, you know, they'll go up to Pete Davidson and be like, 9-11 was fucking hilarious. They don't give a fuck, you know what I mean? That's a good one.
Okay. All right, you got two more picks.
Two more picks. Okay.
What okay what other horrific thing are you gonna I'm gonna say your your partner coming out of the closet is a bad breakup okay because you can't what are you gonna do right you know what I mean it's like you wanna be support like this happened when what was his name Collins came out of the closet the NBA player Jason Collins oh yeah and it was like everyone's celebrating him and it that's a good thing. But he was still married.
Right. And there was just like this woman who was like, hey, my life's been a lie, too.
You know what I mean? Like, this is the worst. And so you can't really be like, what the fuck? And then even if they cheat on you with a guy or a girl, it's like, well, you still cheated on me, but I guess like you're putting a tough position.
You can't really complain, but it's also like, well, you kind of strung me along for fucking ever. Also, like, I think you hear stories every now and then about like, you know, like a couple that has been married for like 40 years and then they, you know, divorce and it's like, oh yeah.
Okay. One side is all right.
That's okay. I would have liked to like replay everything, everything, everything, everything.
That's, that's a tough one. Yeah.
The media is like, thank God he's living his best life right now that's that's great for him yeah it is great for him right this woman it was like you know whatever they were they were together for a long time yeah and then it's like what if she you know it's like anyway and if it's the other way around like you have to think to yourself like was it am i just that bad at fucking right right you hate dick i made you hate my dick so

much right yeah you swore off all dick yes yes yes okay your last pick ah fuck this is i mean this because these aren't as good and they don't even fit the actual theme anymore so it's like i thought all right i had three hot ones that i wanted out and it's like just pass let me think uh yeah i'm the Vikings that year where it's just somebody else

in my traffic.

Fuck, Let me. Okay.
I'll do. I'll just keep it semi sports related a little bit.
This is again. This is just a mouthful, but it's like knowing someone is trying to steal your significant other and being powerless to help.
Yeah. So like watching it happen.
Watching it happen. And you know that it's going to work.
Because this one always stuck with me. Gabrielle Union met D.
Wade at something where his wife was. And that day she was like, I'm a big fan of your husband's.
Yeah. So she just called her shot like Babe Ruth.
Oh my God. And she was like, I really like your husband.
And then like nine months later you get divorced. It's like, yeah, it's Gabrielle.
Not only is she famous and hot as shit, she told you. I'll go with that one.
She called her shot. She's Babe Ruth.
She's Babe Ruth. Yeah.
She's the Babe Ruth of cock. That's a good pick.
That's a good pick. For the way I interpret it, I'm really happy with my friend.
I think you did well. I think you're going to win.
That's strong. I mean, you can't navigate with murder-suicide.
Murder-suicide, cock getting chopped off. It's strong, strong selections.
Strong number for the first two rounds. Yeah.
Okay, Pia, it's your last pick. My last, I'm just going to go Taylor Swift and anybody because I fucking, I love it when Taylor Swift breaks up with somebody because he has some bangers about to come out.
Yes. And I was thinking a few months ago about trying to work out a situation where we engineer Taylor Swift to have the worst possible, like most gaslighting relationship with somebody just for the sake of the world.
So she'll put out good art later. Yes.
It's like have somebody treat her really poorly, stand her up for dinner. Yeah.
Start fucking her mom. Maybe like, like break up with her for her best friend.
Yep. I just need Taylor.
to go through hell. Tell her she can't get on her private jet anymore.

Yeah.

That fucking dumb bitch.

She's worse than Baisa going to the moon.

She's just going on a fucking private plane for groceries.

Yeah, she's going to get sushi at night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, so my last pick, can I call a future one?

Sure.

Because it's the one that I've said many, many times, but I can't wait. This sounds terrible to say out loud, but I can't wait for Chrissy Teigen and John Legend.
It's going to be the best day on the internet. All these people being like, what is love anymore? It's like, you don't fucking know these people.
I just can't wait for it. It will be the greatest breakup of all time.
That's good. Because they were so perfect.
It's like, yeah, no shit, dude. They dude they posted what they wanted to post of course oh their their private life must be a horror show i i think it goes something like this where chrissy is just like constantly saying things into her phone just walking around her house yelling into her phone and then john's in the next room like oh my god yeah like he's like please can we not put this online yeah i love i love and i love like she, like, I think she's kind of changed what she posts, but, like, that breakdown she had, like, maybe a year ago where it's, like, she came to the realization that posting every little piece of her family's life online isn't maybe healthy.
Right, right, right, right. And it was, like, no shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
Yeah. And it's fun because it's, like, so many people just were online as it was evolving.
Right. And then you're, like, I've made such've made such errors.
Where it's like, I don't want people knowing this. Yeah, right.
And now it's just here forever. And people worship their relationship.
Oh, yeah. And also it's like John Legend, that's the kind of guy that cheats as he gets older.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're right.
Like a musician who, he's not even hot. He's like a handsome, like it's about like his gravitas.
It's about his like talent. That's a guy who's going to age great.
Playing the piano, wearing a suit. You know what I mean? And it's like, that's the guy, famous fucking musicians that age good.
And I think he's going to do it like in a classy way. If that sounds like he, like it's going to be like a young up and coming composer that he cheats with.
You know what I mean? Like some like musical genius who like stimulates his mind right and so it's like you can't even be they form a friendship you respect her creatively he doesn't know what's going on as it's happening you know yes you can't even be like oh dude you you know you just decided one night to fuck whatever was in front of you it's like no it's actually like he fell in love yeah he refell in love she doesn't have a twist some girls like I don't even know what twitter is and he just got hard he's like, no, it's actually like he fell in love. He re-fell in love.
She doesn't have a Twitter. Some girl's like, I don't even know what Twitter is.
And he just got hard. I also think being a model is like a really weird way to age.
Because if your entire profession is just people take pictures of me because I'm hot. Yeah.
And you like learn the shit out of that trade. Yeah.
And you know, okay, you know all the players, you know, the different people in the different magazines, different fashion shows. And start getting to your 40s yeah then your 50s it's like wait i have no career now sure because i'm not hot anymore right society's tougher on women to begin with yeah a guy can look good and he does you know he looks like shit you know like a 50 year old like guy and it's like we say guys look older as they age but it's just like we're just easier societally on men yeah you're like oh great no we don't have to like gamble on plastic surgery that may or may not work you know what i mean yeah lines in your forehead for a guy is like wow he's wise distinguished yeah he looks like someone i want to talk to my talk to about my 401k yeah yeah yeah absolutely this is good isn't being a model weird though it's just like you walk into a room and then people are like people all around the world want to look at you right now so i'm just gonna make people look at you yeah really strange all right so what did we miss i had a i had a couple i had um uh brad pitt and jennifer aniston i think that was more heartbreaking than uh uh brangelina oh without question for like because like everyone because Brad Pitt, his place in the culture and Jennifer Aniston was like, she was like a nice.
Right. And it's like Angelina Jolie was just like, it's kind of what we're talking about with the Gabrielle Union thing.
Yeah. Yeah.
She could, she was, Jennifer Aniston couldn't stop her man from getting taken. Yes.
What do you think is going to happen to you? Yeah. Right.
You know what I mean? Right. So all these like mid women that were like, they were like they were the predecessor the friends people were the predecessor of the office people right where it's like just kind of fucking boring bland people it's like all these women who aren't aging well you know what i mean it's like now now they see like their idol in a lot of ways was jennifer it's like if pam like they for a lot of women she was their pam you know and it's like she was with the hottest if pam was married to the hottest guy of her generation, and then just a hotter woman that's cooler, crazier, everything better than you, it symbolized, oh, my man's not safe either.
Right, right. You know what I mean? I have no power.
I think that's what was so devastating for so many women with that one. What else I had? Oh, I had, you could throw out Brady and Belichick.
If Hank was here, he'd probably say that one. Yeah, good riddance.
Fuck them. J-Lo and A-Rod.
That one broke my heart. I thought it was going to last.
Bennifer the first time. Yeah, Bennifer.
What a love story that is. Listen, I'm doing a victory lap for Bennifer the second time.
That's going to be awesome. You know, Bennifer, like, Ben definitely spent the last 10 years of his life just constantly

thinking about J-Lo. Oh, he's doing the mind

jerk-off in the shower. I am so happy for him.

I'm so happy for him. It worked out.

Soviet Union?

Yeah, it's a big one.

He stabilized everything.

Yeah, Iraq, you could say. The Middle

East after 9-11. Well, we did do it.

He kind of fucked up the whole world now.

Let's see. Look, what everyone said about Saddam, he was keeping some order over there.
Because I know the Kurds would probably disagree with me. It's like the mafia.
At least they were allowed to play FIFA matches in Iraq. Whatever.
So it's like, you know, the mafia, when they were here, the neighborhood was a lot safer. For who? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Was it Tristan Thompson dated on and off? Which Jenner was it? Oh, well, he's got multiple children with Khloe. But he's also broken up with her several times, right? He just keeps cheating.

He keeps cheating.

He can't stop cheating.

All right, let me finish up.

I got the rollback question.

We got to do a rollback question.

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This has been awesome.

What's next?

Give us...

Plug it.

So the tour is starting up again.

My YouTube channel is still out there. We're about to hit 3 million views in two months from the special, so that's huge.
How many times have you watched it, personally? I watched it personally. Just honestly, fully the way through was just the premiere.
No, but on YouTube, you're not hitting it just as you walk out? I should. I'm fucking up.
Yeah, why not? I don't know why. That's crazy.
I'm leaving money on the fucking table. How much you make per view? I don't know.
But I've made my money back already and a little more. Hell yes.
So that's good. And then I'm doing a little tour.
I'm doing a huge tour in 2023, and I'm just kind of taking this year a little easier. But I will be doing...
I'm in Phoenix, the 8th through the 10th of September. Nice.
I'm in Pittsburgh, the 23rd through the 25th. You got huge fans in Pittsburgh.
I'm in Denver the 8th through the 10th of september nice i'm in uh pittsburgh the 23rd we got huge fans in pittsburgh i'm in denver the 6th through the 8th uh miami the 26th through the 28th richmond and then i might be burlington vermont i might be doing some warm-up shows in the city at the end of august just to cut because i've taken three two and a half months off and uh yeah just fucking go go to the youtube channel i put put on different clips every week, like longer clips. And yeah, what's next? I'm just kind of chilling out a little bit, taking some time to catch my breath.
And then some, I'll do, I'll think of something probably. Maybe in the next two weeks, I'm just going to go clear my head and figure out what I want to do next.
But go see me on the road. I don't have any other income right now.
I can really use it. And go to the YouTube channel.
And that's pretty much it for now. Are you going to try to act? Yeah, I really want to act.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's fun.
I think it's like, you know, because I love comedy. I love like getting a laugh in every way.
Like, I don't want to be fucking Daniel Day-Lewis. I'm not a good actor, but I can be funny on screen.
So that's what I'm trying to do. If any famous fucking directors are randomly watching this and you want a fat guy in your guy in your fucking yeah fat dirtball in your movie i'm your guy i feel like you need judd apatow to get back on his shit you would be the perfect like best friend who absolutely every girl let me get in there main character can't find exactly inexplicably yes yeah yeah yeah yeah chris pratt is your best friend he can't find love and you're just he's.
He's two in his emotions and I'm fucking everyone because I'm an animal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, absolutely. Yeah, that's a perfect role for you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm trying.
Yeah. All right.
Well, Stav, thank you as always. This has been awesome, man.
Thanks, guys. Appreciate it.
Thank you. Stav is brought to you by Bird Dogs.
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Just another reminder. Next week is Grit Week.
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The next time you hear these voices, we will be in Colorado, in Rado.

Batgirl, you got to learn that on the special opening to Grit Week,

we do a different version of Electric Avenue. It's the grit version of Electric Avenue.

Make sure that we include that.

Hank, you missed it during the Stav interview.

I've elevated Batgirl, and just started calling uh Max a she I was like she's she's back girl she's a Philly fan I think that's gonna work I mean what better way to prove to our audience that me and PFT aren't gay than have back girl around yeah BG yeah exactly oh I totally forgot Alicia Silverstone was Batgirl. Was she? You remember that shitty Batman and Robin movie? Oh, yeah.
She was Batgirl.

I,

I, I totally forgot. Alicia Silverstone was Batgirl.
Was she? You remember that shitty Batman and Robin movie? Oh, yeah. She was Batgirl.
I guess I just put that completely out of my mind because that movie sucked so bad. Also, that, what we read is the original Batgirl, but the Batgirl that most comic nerds know is a completely different story.
Yeah, it was like two Batgirls. Commissioner Gordon's daughter.
We shouldbie and clem on to like do mount rushmore of comic book characters and just let them lose their minds yeah because they were i i mean it's very funny it's like we i think comic books are the one thing that i have like the least amount of knowledge like not not even just a regular oh i know a little bit so when anytime we get into it lose their minds. They're like, how could they be so wrong about all of this? Because we don't know.
When I think of comic books, I'm like, oh, Calvin and Hobbes. Yeah.
Garfield. I like the cartoon, like the animated shows, but that's not even.
That's scratching the surface when it comes to the comic book show. I also think there's a little bit.
I guess Robbie would be contrary to this, but when you're growing up, you're either a comic book guy or a wrestling guy.

It's kind of like, which fantasy world do you want to live in?

I chose to live in the one where everyone did steroids and a lot of them died at 45 years old.

Some of them killing their own family members.

That was my choice.

I think there's a third option out there.

Yeah.

Sports.

Play sports.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you can play sports and watch wrestling, play sports and... Oh, you don't think so? Oh, come on.
Goldberg. Well, Brandon Walker could dunk.
Yeah. He won the dunk contest.
That's true. Okay.
Firefest of the week. But again, we will be in Colorado.
Huge Grit Week. Very excited.
Look out as always for Grit Week. We will have a preview video Sunday night at some point,

getting you pumped up for Grit Week.

So check that out on all the socials.

Henry, start us off with your Fire Fest.

Very excited for Grit Week.

I honestly, like, I was racking my brain on the way into work,

and I think I'm just so excited for Grit Week.

We have a lot of good stuff planned,

and we've just been, like, really in the trenches this week, like, getting shit figured out that I haven't had a moment to have a bad moment. Wow.
And I feel like I've just been bitching about moving and dealing with that whole thing for the last month. And I'm just being moved in and settled and just having all that shit figured out.
I feel great. I've had nothing to fire about.
I mean, this means that something's going to happen oh yeah probably yeah well yeah i mean that's what great we know real bad like very bad no you're gonna die you're gonna you're gonna die on the mountain yeah you're gonna die yeah i am mountaineering accent yeah yep yep we got a lot of stuff planned for grit week but one of the one of the plans i'm concerned about altitude that's all i won't get into too too much detail but hank tried to pull uh the the hey is this going to be a problem for editing reasons card on me and i was like no i feel like this is there's something else going on here you can tell hank it has been the summer of hank so far really the last like four months no i'm just out of shape you know i've i've i i was in shape at 45 day one probably did like up to day 20 then july happened uh and then i moved and then i moved problem like you can't be working out and moving correct yeah the six-pack's still coming though it is yeah okay uh pft your fire fest i've got a few fire fests is that okay because hank didn't do his job he didn't have any yeah um so my first fireyre Fest is that we're not getting, we're getting ripped off. Why? We're getting ripped off as a podcast because that article that came out yesterday saying that people are paying up to $50,000 to appear on podcasts.
Yeah. What the fuck? Yes.
Well, that's why we get, that's why you guys get paid 75K. It's like, it's not gross.
No, no. We have to, we just have to dish that out.
No, it's the other way. I get three board apes.
I know, but you guys have to take that 75 and then give some to the guests. No, they pay us.
No, it's the other way. That's the article.
Isn't that crazy? Someone pays. So I saw the headline.
I assume it's- The guest pays? Yes. I assume.
So there was a couple people who I did have to clap back at one guy today. He was like, is this why you guys don't have good guests anymore? Because you're just getting people pay you and i was like what are you talking about like yeah blake bortles paid us and frankie munis paid us no we don't we've gotten zero dollars i assume this is very much in the world of uh like niche like podcasts that are like um basically motivational podcasts yeah like people are selling a book like a motivational book and they'll go they'll they'll pay to be on like a business podcast.
And business podcast. Yeah, like people are selling a book, like a motivational book, and they'll pay to be on a business podcast.
Yeah. We've never gotten a dollar.
Well, so here's what I'm finding to be very concerning about this is that no one's ever even approached us and asked us to pay for coming on our podcast. In fact, it's only been the other way around.
I think Lenny Dykstra asked us for money. It was Pete Rose.
Pete Rose was the one guy guy And Lenny did too, through his manager And I told him no, and they were like, okay, he'll do it for free He drove a real hard bargain And Pete Rose asking is like, yeah, that makes sense I wasn't offended, I was like, I expected that Like if we reached out to Phil Mickelson I'm sure he'd be like, yeah, actually can you pay me $97,250 Like a very specific amount that he owes this week And then Sunday Night Football goes under and he's like actually it's $115,000 I'm going to need some retro you know what we should do? We should start billing people that have already been on the show just invoicing them see if anybody pays we should tell him to Mr. Portnoy who's the richest person that's been on recently? Just see where that plays out.
Ryan Russillo. You've been to his house? Yeah.
Mark Cuban. It's Cuban.
Yeah, Cuban. Can we send an invoice to Mark Cuban for $50,000? Yeah.
And just be like, you got to pay it. For your most recent appearance and part of my take? And if he doesn't respond within a week, we own the Dallas Mavericks.
Yep. Include that.
Mm-hmm're we're we're definitely we're open to getting paid we've never gotten paid but we're not saying that we wouldn't if someone wants to yeah yeah but that would be so funny if we do have someone who has like 10 10 easy tips to become a millionaire by 25 on the podcast like in the middle of football season we're like yeah we just want, we just want to talk to this guy. It also doesn't make sense that, like, the economics of it makes zero sense to me because not to brag, but I feel like we are a pretty big podcast.
I'd say so. And nobody has ever approached us to pay $50,000 to come on.
You're talking about, like, the niche business podcast that they would be on. I can't imagine that it would be worth $50,000 to go on, like, a smaller business podcast.
Or maybe our booking team is just cutting us out. Oh, maybe Kelly's taking all the money.
Yeah, big money. She's bitter about the person.
Yeah. She probably has like a hundred.
Yeah, well, she's got a kid about to get popped out. College fund.
No chance that kid's going to be smart enough to go to college. That's going to be a text message.
I disagree. Tomorrow morning.
So he'll go to Harvard. Yep.
We'll pay for it. Yeah.
Yeah. Sure.
And other fire fest. I got stuck in an elevator yesterday.
Oh no. So bad, bad luck in my family dealing with elevators.
As we've talked about underneath my great grant and not underneath. Yes.
My great grandfather had an elevator fall on his head, killed him. Never knew so it's not really that sad i can joke about it you can't but uh i got stuck in the elevator yesterday at the gym and it sucked because it was on my way out of the gym so everybody in there is just like really sweaty going back down and then it became one of those moments where it's like well someone has to make a joke i tried to make the pea corner joke i figured that like i went through the flow chart in my head yeah like i could make a sex joke uh probably not appropriate your first probably inclination probably knee jerk probably not appropriate uh in an elevator filled with strangers and then next one was like oh well they've probably all seen the office i'll make a pea corner joke fell on deaf ears um so then i just shut up there's nothing like making like not even a chuckle i there might have been a chuckle i don't know i was i was expecting a much better reaction yeah i've been stuck on one elevator it is there is that yeah big elevator there's the initial um reaction of like oh we're all gonna die and then it dissipates after like someone comes over the loudspeaker like hold on we're coming to get you yeah You start sizing out like who you would have to you know Eat Yeah I was the strongest Make alliances with I was the strongest on the elevator I did note I took a note of that Sounds like you go to a pussy gym I do Very much Was it Pilates class? Very much so It was Pilates class getting out I was the strongest It's just a bunch of fucking moms around No it was It was Pilates class had out, and also most people were up there just to hang out on the roof and get sun by the pool.
And then so I make that joke. Nobody really laughs.
I didn't really say it with my chest, so that's on me. But then the worst part is right afterwards, this other guy goes, all aboard, when it starts to move again, and everybody fucking cracks up.
Oh, that's good timing. That's good timing.
He gets like a huge laugh and like a round of applause and i'm like fuck yeah so i got i got elevator cucked on that one but for a second when you do get stuck in an elevator you think it's yeah you're gonna die i'm gonna be here for for the rest of my life well your initial reaction when you get stuck is like now are we gonna go in free fall yeah because that just always you're like okay we're dead you think an elevator subway is worse depends on if it's a hot train in the summertime yeah that's the worst to get stuck on yeah i was gonna also if you're under like if you're underground you have no like podcasts or anything to listen to and you can't get on your phone yeah that's pretty bad yeah you have to be alone with your thoughts yeah yeah that's nobody wants that okay good fire fest thank you yeah um my fire fest is, I guess it's that I'm too good of a friend, too selfless. So Sunday we're going to go to Colorado.
We booked our flights. And PFT and I have gotten to a point where we do take first class.
There was only one first class ticket. And I selflessly gave it to PFT.
And now I'm dreading this flight.

I didn't know that was going to happen.

By the way, Big Cat not being a good friend.

No, it is.

No, you're going to be first class.

We'll be in the back.

Big Cat, this is such a transparent move on your part.

So I would like to announce if there's anybody that's on my flight

that's an active duty or retired military member.

Wait, no, don't do that yet.

Oh, wait, you don't want me to give away the first class ticket? No, no, no, no, no. The reason why I'm saying don't do that yet is because I said, I was texting with Batgirl.
I was like, give it a PFT and just keep looking because obviously I still want one. So let's see if I get one.
Then we're fine. But I was.
Are you just going to find one? No, they might. Someone might cancel their flight.
You know, one pops up. I'm just saying.
I think you have size problems. I do.
I have big-time size problems. No, not weight.
I'm not talking weight. I'm talking height.
I'm talking weight. I'm talking height.
I'm talking height. Definitely.
You not need a first-class ticket. No, it would be nice.
A first-class ticket is more beneficial for someone that's taller. That's what I'm saying.
I'd agree. But I felt bad being like taking the only one.
So I was like, give it a PFT and we'll see if I can get one. I would like to give mine to an active duty or retired military member on the flight.
I'm dreading. No, Billy's not getting it.
Billy's going in the luggage underneath. I don't mean a dog cage.
Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm dreading this now, but it will be fine.
Tell you what, if you guys want to just put in bids, if you want that ticket, I'll sell it to you. Yeah.
I fall asleep on every flight. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter where I am. Hank falls asleep before he even gets on the bus.
Maybe the funniest part of the most recent trip that we took was Max, excuse me, Batgirl, getting introduced to Hank's yawns for the first time, and he refused to believe that they were actually yawns. He's like, that's not a yawn.
He's just like, he's like clearing his throat, right? Nope. I still don't think it was a real yawn.
Oh, it was real, yeah. Wait till- He scratches the back of his throat because that wasn't real.
Wait till, not only Grit Week, but like the fact that he's already worried about the oxygen, he's going to have to do the biggest yawn ever to get that oxygen in his mouth. Keep his brain firing.
He's going to just be – you're just going to have your mouth open the whole fucking time. I got some tricks up my sleeve.
Oh, yeah? What are you bringing? Don't worry about it. You're bringing a tank? Don't worry about it.
Okay. All right, Billy, you're Firefest.
So there's this dude I've been watching since early college when he was at Northern Iowa. But this guy's just offensive lineman.
What does that mean? What? What does that mean you've been watching him? Oh, because there's been clips of this guy. He's an offensive lineman from Northern Iowa.
He's been absolutely destroying dudes, and he's a savage. His name's Trevor Penning.
You flagged him. You flagged him.
Yeah, he's a savage. So I kind of feel like one of those guys.
I was following them when they're small. You were first.
Yeah, I like that. So now all of his.
So basically, he just got kicked out of Saints camp for just going too hard. He's an absolute animal.
Yeah, this guy's awesome. I think he fought three days in a row, was it? Yeah.
So now everyone else is getting on the bandwagon. I'm kind of gatekeeping.
I was there when he was doing this like a freshman in northern Iowa. Now everyone's on it.
They're like, oh man, this guy's so cool. You should have talked about him more.
I've been posting his clips. That sucks.
You've got to retweet your old clips. I know.
I'm going to go back and do that. But he had a crazy...
And then everyone who posts about what's his name? Trevor Pinning? Yeah. Just make sure that the internet knows that Billy had it first.
Yeah. He's a savage as first reported by Billy Football.
That does suck, Billy. I actually agree with you here.
Because it's not someone that's ever going to have crazy fame, and you were on it. It's like the Bills.
Yeah. I just want to play this little clip.
Yeah, some people in the media. If you would have asked me what's my favorite thing about football.
Just ask that. What is your favorite thing about football? Legally assaulting a person across from you.
He's at 12. He said, I mean, he's such a meme that it's hilarious, but he's actually going out there and mauling dudes to the ground.
Yeah. All right, that's Billy's guy.
Yeah, that's Billy's guy. I know.
You're like a wildlife expert that tagged a shark when it was just a little baby fish. Exactly.
I guess heroes. You've been tracking him.
Richie Incognito. Yeah.
Oh, for sure. All right.
So Billy's got him first, so everyone back off. I like that.
All right, Jake, finish this off. Yeah, I'm pretty sure the face wash I've been using my whole life has been discontinued.
What? Your whole life? My whole life. I've been using one face wash.
When did you start using face wash? Probably middle school. Okay.
And I've gone to like five or six CVSs, Dwayne Reads, nothing. Neutrogena website.
Sorry for the inconvenience. We're sold out.
On Amazon, it's going for $70. Whoa.
So people are hoarding it. Yeah.
You got to buy some now. I'm not buying that.
No, I've transferred. Oh, you have? Yeah.
I've noticed you've had some acne problems recently. Yeah wear makeup sometimes yeah i have a little uh i would i have a little pen in my back you're being serious i swear to god yeah oh i know you're joking mostly mostly just for broadcast but yeah yeah i understand for broadcast but you do it not regularly when you come into no that's so great yeah jake gets the pen.
be careful that if you're going to russia everyone's like oh jake you got a pen you i can borrow i want to get high no i just got this so what have you switched to uh cetaphil cetaphil okay that's good stuff simple is good too i like simple but i so i was going to make fun of jake for having a face wash, but I actually think that it's important. I'm a creature of habit.
I just see the green bottle in my bathroom. I'm like, okay, that's the stuff that goes in my face, not my ass.
Yeah. Which is good to know.
Imagine being out of stock. Yeah.
What do you do next? Nightmare. I actually wouldn't know what to choose.
Yeah. Exactly.
I'm sorry for your loss. Let's get Neutrogena to figure it out.

Yeah.

Let's skull fuck them for you.

Speaking real quick of Brittany Griner, did you guys see that Bro9 was tweeting or was

trending on Twitter?

No.

Who's that?

Bro9, because everybody's reaction to her getting nine years was like, bro, nine years.

Oh, that's hilarious.

So the phrase Bro9.

And then Iman Shumpert got arrested too for weed.

Six and a half pounds.

Six and a half pounds of weed. Free Iman.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's a lot of weed. That's a lot of weed.
But I don't know. I mean, if you like weed, you could get through six and a half pounds.
He's retired, right? Yeah. I feel like Stu Finer does six and a half pounds in a long weekend.
Yeah. Just gets 75 bagels and talks to him like he's in Beauty and the Beast.

That's a weekend for Stu.

All right, let's do numbers.

Send everyone off.

I'm going to go... Get excited for Grit Week.

Nine.

99.

69.

27.

26.

PG?

42.

Bro, nine. Bro, nine.
Bro, 9 Bro, 9

91

91

Beavers have never been audited by the IRS

Love you guys.

What the fuck does that mean?

Yeah. I don't know what's about to say I'll take it away Today's my day to find you Shine away I'll be coming for your love of days Shine away I'll be coming for your love of days Take on me Take on me Take me Take on me Thank you.
Take care. Take me.
Take me.

Take me.

Take me.

Take me.

Take me.

Take me.