Comedian Andrew Schulz, Paddy The Baddy & Meatball Molly Rule + Mt Rushmore of Worst Gifts

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On today's Pardon My Take, we have Andrew Schultz, the comedian, hour and a half interview.

It was one of those interviews that I took notes beforehand, and I don't think I read a single one of them.

We hit every topic you could ever imagine, from the Knicks to Jeffrey Epstein to Alex Jones, all over the place. Great, great interview.
We have Who's Back of the Week and Mount Rushmore of Worst Gifts to Receive. Thank you to an AWL for that.
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Boy! Boy! We're gonna rock down to electric avenue. And then we'll take it higher.
Oh, we're gonna rock down to electric avenue. It's Part of My Take presented by Marston Sports.
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patty the baddie oh patty the baddie oh that's it that's the start because patty the baddie and uh meatball molly our friends our colleagues that was the that was the sports moment of the weekend both of them showing out in england dave there with his wig on catching meatball molly uh unbelievable great ufc i love them so so much the two of them i don't know like it's weird to have people that you uh know personally and care for fighting in the octagon because every moment feels like the scariest moment ever but that was awesome and that is the that is the lead of the show today yeah the closest that we've ever come to that is is when Hank stepped into the octagon and uh and Billy stepped in it's not really an octagon it was a squared circle in the boxing ring and watching people that you care about actually get into fights, that's as close as I've been to a parent just worrying sick about my children. It's nerve-wracking, and it's almost like relief when they win.
But the way that Molly and Patty both win. I had to fight someone that actually fought back.
Well, you fought against Tex. I'd say Jose Canseco is probably a pretty comparable amount.
If Jose Canseco actually connected with a shot against Billy, Billy could have died. Would have been a real shame.
But there was still that like same level of worry that we had. But the way that Molly and Patty won, they're so fun to watch.
Like Molly just throwing back elbows at people. And then they just, they're so likable.
Like after the fight, Molly just crying tears of joy, basically getting hammered drunk on fireball or whatever in the stands. And then Patty taking the mic and after tea bagging his opponent, like he said that he would just being like, hey, let's talk real quick about mental health because I don't want to bury into my mates.
So come cry on my shoulder. Give me a big hug.
Liverpool is back, guys. Yes.
Yes. It was an awesome, awesome day.
It was also great. The

UFC, when it's in a foreign country and you get the five o'clock UFC fight, there's something

really cool about it because you're like, oh, I should be fighting off sleep. It should be

midnight right now trying to stay awake on a pay-per-view card. No, we got to see it at five

o'clock in the afternoon. I had a pep in my step after that.
I love them too, both so, so much.

I'll see you next time. trying to stay awake on a pay-per-view card.
No, we got to see it at 5 o'clock in the afternoon. I had a pep in my step after that.
I love them, too, both so, so much. I hope they both come back to New York soon so we can have them both back on the show.
And, yeah, that was it. Thank you to both of them, too, because other than Jake calling a PLL game and working in a clone, shout-out Jake, and Red Bull cheating again to get Max a win.
There wasn't much sports this weekend like this baseball and then Patty the Batty and Meatball Molly saved sports this weekend. So we appreciate it from that.
Yeah, I mean, especially like if you're a sports writer out there, my thoughts and my prayers are with you because not only is there nothing to write about whatsoever, butuce springsteen seats are now four thousand dollars so it's a real tough time to be a scribe yes the the biggest story i had was the the bears unveiled their new um uh helmets it's now cool for every team like this is one of those situations where the nfl was like yeah we're we're letting everyone do multiple shells this year. So you get alternate uniforms, alternate helmets.
And then the Bengals revealed theirs, which were incredible. The Jets actually are pretty cool, but that doesn't mean every team needs to do a alternate helmet.
And the Bears kind of were the first team to show up and be like, oh yeah, not every team needs to do this. I don't know why they had to be Syracuse.
No disrespect to you, Jake, but Syracuse is a trash football program, and I don't know why they had to do that. And historic franchises should just keep with their regular helmets because there's no reason.
We're not the Jaguars, even though we are in terms of playing ability. We're not the Jaguars.
We don't need an alternate helmet. that you don't have to just check that box just because it's available to you so i'm mad about that there's certain franchises the word swag should never get thrown out when it comes to the bears the bears are a team that like they're yes they're very historical but even when they're good they're just like they're more physical than you they're never swaggy they're not a swaggy all orange.
Yeah, you're right. It's like a mix of Syracuse and Illini, like combined into one.
And nothing about that screams excitement to me. It is going to be against the commanders in the greatest Thursday night game that this podcast has ever seen.
So I'm happy to see that. If I'm just going based off vibes off those helmets alone, I feel like that is a vibe where it's like the coach, Eberflus, he's going to lose two challenges.
The wind is going to blow the ball off the kicking tee at least twice in the course of the game. But mercifully, the game is going to be over really quickly.
It's going to be one of those that basically has a running clock the entire time because both teams are just going to run the ball and nothing exciting is going to happen. Yeah, the orange helmets, if they wore blue jerseys with the orange helmets, they'd look a little bit better.
But the orange helmets are a special team's error, like a drastic change in momentum. And then Eberflus is going to try to wear something orange, an orange visor or hat, and it's going to look even more comical.
It's Mickey Mouse. It's candy ass.

So, again, I don't know why they had to do that.

Just wear your regular uniforms.

You have some of the best uniforms in sports.

Like, why would you do that?

But, again, this is a late July problem where I had to drop some perspective on people.

Like, look, we can all disagree about helmets.

Some people thought they were fire.

That's fine.

I don't.

But the fact that we're arguing about helmets means we're that much closer to football and we can handshake on that. Yeah.
The only, the only real, real problem I have with it. I mean, it does look kind of candy ass, but it just makes me wish Andy Dalton was still on the bears because he would look sick in those helmets.
Yes, he would. He would.
I'm trying to think what other things, oh, I guess, Hank Hank do you want to address the fact that LeBron might have cursed your baseball team because like I've seen on the that's what that's what some people are saying LeBron might have cursed the Red Sox because since he said you gotta bring him up all the time big cat yeah you're right all right fine so we want to address the fact that I I just seen on twitter sweeney also didn't curse the red sox i've seen clips of just some of the most ridiculous plays happening in this red sox blue jays series that like plays that are plays that are basically like we'll we won't see plays that bad when we're watching the little league world series and williams sport in like three weeks yeah it was 14 to 3 and then all you all people online got to do the, oh, football score, football score. Then it was 27-3.
And almost. And then it was 28-3.
Did you see this, Jake? There's a Scorigami account for baseball. It was, for a moment, going to be the first Scorigami in like 20 years.
It happens like once every every like 20 years there's a baseball scorer gami yeah devastating i remember it was like rangers orioles like 30 to 3 like a decade ago i don't remember specifically but i think those are the two teams involved so yeah you got to charge the moments but we just missed out i also don't like they were they were there's got to be a certain level if you're a baseball manager where it's like if you get down I don't know what's called 15 runs then you just stop using real pitchers and let you know whatever player that wants to fucking pitch throw them in there because they were they had like relievers they're down 25 yeah yeah I was back there was I remember that Orioles game because that was an ultimate Tim Kirkton game where he was just he for the next two days, he was finding out new stats that happened in that game that hadn't happened in like 125 years of baseball, and his voice was just breaking. He sounded like he was going to cry on the air when he discovered that the pitcher in that game got a save somehow, even though it was 30-3.
I love those moments for Tim Kirkton where they just splash him everywhere. And they're like, here's a weeping Tim Kirchner to discuss the beauty of baseball uniqueness again.
Yes, yes. And then the only other story from baseball, there's two others.
Aaron Judge has been mashing, race to 62. I want everyone to get involved in that because it does, look, I'm a pro steroids guy.
So I definitely think Barry Bond is the best player of all time. And I also think his records stand.
But there should be like an extra enthusiasm if someone can hit 62 just knowing that we're not in the steroid era anymore. So it's like what better way to get people into baseball than having a home run race again.
So let's pretend this is just he's going for 62. He's to break roger marris's record i'm in for that like let's get excited about some dingers well it's the yankee what's the record though that's the thing it's a yankee record so yeah that's all it is yeah but no but i'm saying i think it's still important because you have the barry bonds mark mcguire sammy sosa you have those which we do acknowledge because everybody was taking stories at the same time but there's still like that little mystique around the number 61 so I'm I'm fine with with rooting for Aaron Judge to get that the only thing is he might be a national that might he might be trade bait for Juan Soto in which case you got you got that short right field porch and he's not going to have that anymore that's true Hank is shaking his head he just doesn't want to be excited about like i'm i'm trying i am basically fishing at the bottom of the ocean trying i just pulled up like one of those spineless jellyfish or not all jellyfish are spineless right one of those worms that are at the bottom of the ocean and i'm like look here it is aaron judge 62 home runs what else are we going to fucking talk about in the end of july and you're like, no, throw it back.
Well, yeah, I was being sourpuss. I'm like, look, here it is.
Aaron Judge, 62 home runs. What else are we going to fucking talk about in the end of July? You're right.
And you're like, no, throw it back. Well, yeah, I know.
If I was being sourpuss, I'm not. I'm a sweet dick.
But, like, I would say that you can't acknowledge the Barry Bonds one and then also be like he's chasing a record because which one's the record? The Yankee record. No, but you can't.
It's the Yankee record. That's what you're going for.
Yeah, the Yankee record. Yeah, he's trying to earn his pinstripes.
27 rings, Hank. Yeah, and then the other thing was the Braves caught the Mets, so Frank was right.
Hashtag Frank was right yet again. I mean, I think the Mets are right now a half game up on the Braves in the NL East.
That's exactly what he said was going to happen. He said it was going to happen, and it's happening.
The Mets got Max Scherzer as a free agent coming back to the team, and they're getting Jacob deGrom, another big free agent, coming back to the team this year. It's a deadline trade.
It's a deadline trade, and I'm sure – no, midseason free agent, Jake deGrom, and I'm sure that he'll be able to pitch the rest of the season and won't have any more injury issues. So I think the Mets are still good.
Yeah, they'll be fine. I'm sure this won't just implode in fantastic fashion.
Okay, should we do who's back? Because we have a very long, very, very good interview with Andrew Schultz. What are you going to say, PFT? I have a beach idea, so it's not a drunk idea because it's like mildly buzzed.
You know that feeling? You have like three beers on a beach, and you're kind of in the zone. Your brain starts cooking a little bit.
had a beach idea. So it's not a drunk idea because it's like mildly buzzed.
You know that feeling you have like three beers on a beach and you're kind of in the zone. Your brain starts cooking a little bit.
I had a beach idea that I was discussing here the other day. Let me know what you guys think about it.
It's a spray tan booth, but it's got sunscreen, spray sunscreen in it. So you just walk through it.
They set up like a kiosk and you walk through it on your way out to the beach. You pay like 10 bucks and then you turn around like you're in Tony Hawk.
Your entire body gets coated in sunscreen. I feel like for kids, especially if you got kids, this is like a godsend of an invention.
It's the it's the mister like the spray mister. Just walk right through the portal.
It's the one that the Broncos had where they kept their entire team safe from COVID because they walked through this spray fan before they went out onto the practice field. Hank, you think $10 is too much? Have you seen the cost of sunscreen these days? Are you living in your elite bubble? Because sunscreen is mega expensive.
I just don't wear sunscreen like a real man, and when I do, I just slap it on my back. I didn't't realize I thought 10 bucks would get you at least a bottle or two.
Do you get naked? It's like a bottle. Yeah.
Billy, by the way, is we don't know where Billy is. He's in a hospital.
I think Billy texted the group this morning at 830 in the morning being like, what time are we recording, guys? Something we had agreed to on Thursday. And that was just a pretty sign of billy has big plans this weekend and uh part of my take might be interrupting his plans because i don't know where he is right now he won't it's better it's better to double check than not check it was better to listen from an undisclosed location that's like where they found saddam hussein is where billy's at right now we We asked him where he was.
He said, not a house. So I don't know what the fuck that means.
And there's a phone, a landline phone behind him, and it looks like an elevator. So like I said, I'm just going to go with hospital unless he wants to tell us a little bit more.
This is like where Tom – remember when Tom Hanks hosted SNL and everybody was like, oh, he's in an Australian prison and they're just CGI in the background?

That's what's happening with Billy football right now. Yeah.
We're all working remote. I'm working remote.
Right. Well, I appreciate you were able to show up.
That was, yeah, we were joking when you lost internet connection a minute ago because you're in a hospital again, which you'd think would have good internet connection. we were joking that when you texted at 8 30 in the morning being like what time are we recording

i think you sneaky were hoping we'd be like 15 minutes from now so that your whole day was clear. We should have just been like, we're recording right now.
Let's go. You know, just got to double check.
Sorry for where are you? Just say where you are. Just say where you are.
If you guess where I am, I'll tell you if I'm there. Give us a little more of the room.
Give us a little more of the room. Okay.
All right. So you're in a dorm? Is this a dorm? Where the fuck? Dorms don't have corded phones, do they? Is he in like a hotel hallway? Go watch on YouTube.

Well, we can, you know what?

If someone, if one of the AWLs guesses correctly where I am,

I'll retweet them.

Okay.

Oh, that's huge.

Massive. Yeah.

This is like the, remember that documentary,

Don't Fuck With Cats?

Like someone needs to figure out when that phone was made

and who like had it put into their hotel slash hospital slash dorm. And then we can go from there.
I think Billy's with this, with this type of stuff. I think Billy's on board to live toward jet.
I think the Saudis have successfully co-opted Billy to be their new mouthpiece. Yeah.
I actually, you know what? That is, he is giving off cruise ship

vibes. That could be a cruise ship.

What is sketchy enough that

he doesn't feel comfortable saying? That's what

I'm trying to get at.

Most people can just be like, oh, I'm

at this place. Yeah, and to say

not a house. And no one would care.

Not a house.

I planned something a long time ago.

Why are you so fucking weird? You just can't be normal for anything. What? Are you in an insane asylum? Are you in stranger things? No, no.
Anyway, who's back of the week? Are you training to be a Navy SEAL with Tiger Woods at his compound? Sure. What is this place? All right, go ahead, Billy.
Start with who's back of the week. Give us your who's back of the week.
Who's back of the week? By the way, before we do that, we just mentioned Live Tour Plain. Little tickler for the takeies on Wednesday.
I've been smiling ever since we taped the takeies on Thursday. It's coming out on Wednesday.
I think it's our best takeies yet. It's such a fucking great episode.
It is such a great episode. So get excited for Wednesday and no spoilers.
Don't spoil. Try not to tweet spoilers until people have a chance to listen because I'm like I said, I'm still buzzing from it.
Like I've actually had moments where I've thought back and like giggled to myself about what happened during the take. It's a great show with a fantastic ending.
We do a little spoiler here. We do spend 30 minutes honoring Eileen goo for her performance and her contribution to the Chinese ski team.
So I will say that just a little advertisement for the show. I will say too, I don't like to over advertise and you know, I could be wrong, but I will say that the Blake of the Year competition is better than last year's.
Yes, by far, yes. We have a lot better of a Blake of the Year competition with two Blakes being on the show.
All right, so Billy, go ahead. Take it away.
Who's back of the week? The troops. Memes and I competed in a charity lacrosse game on Thursday night for Shootout for Soldiers, a great cause, a great charity.
It's 24 hours of lacrosse. The game's played every hour, and all proceeds and donations and sign-ups go towards great causes for veterans and active duty.
Where can I sign up? They had a record-breaking event. They raised a fifth of a million dollars, which is awesome.

Again, you're incapable of being normal.

Yeah, $200,000.

How was your Saturday, Billy?

The whole bunch of guys at Barstool showed up.

We had a Barstool team, and it was really fun. And it was the first time playing an organized sport for a lot of us since high school and college, and it was awesome.
That's great. I'm glad that you got to cosplay as a troop again.
Yeah. Congratulations.
That's a great cause. I got a challenge coin, so I could whip that out on other military members if they have their challenge coin on them so uh kind of kind of got a stamp of approval you are you are literally now like the bit is over and you were actively stealing valor yes i know are you wearing like a wait are you wearing a button-down shirt billy it's it's more of like a wait this is getting even weirder because i needed to hear how that was gonna end yeah it's more of like a wait this is getting even weirder because yeah i needed to hear how that was gonna end yeah it's more of like a what it's more it's like athletic gear i i got like yeah with buttons stand up real quick i don't need to stand up let's see that pants yeah or he's got a kilt on he's in scotland it's, like, did anyone watch the Today Show where Matt Lauer was like, where's Matt Lauer? That's not cool anymore.
He'll just remember it. Yeah, Billy, do you have a button on your desk that locks it from the inside right now? No, I do not.
Wait, but also, are you telling me that's not a button? Like, that shirt doesn't have buttons on it? There's buttons. So it's a button down.
Yes. That would have been an answer.
We would have accepted yes when I asked, is that a button down? Let's see the shoes. Show feet.
You want to see my shoes? Yeah. Why are you standing up? You're definitely nude from the waist down.

Okay. So he is dressed up.
He is dressed up. Those were his nice sneakers that he only puts on for big occasions.
All right, Hank, go ahead. Why don't you give us your who's back? My who's back of the week is just the classics.
It is that time of year. There are no sports going on.
So when in doubt, this is things like Mount Rushmore come along. That's a classic.
And then our colleague, J.J. Redick, has got himself in a classic debate that is taking over SportsCenter probably for the next week.
And he, again, classic take. He said Jerry West played with Plumbers.
And then Jerry West came back and was like, what have you ever accomplished in your career, buddy? You've only averaged like 12 points a game and never won a championship. So it's just a classic debate.
It's just one of those things like you go on SportsCenter this week, there's nothing going on. What is Stephen A.
talking about? It's Jerry West and the plumber era and like how current players would play then. Well, Stephen A.
Smith, he's not talking about anything because he's taken the entire fucking month of August off with a shoulder injury because he's not man enough to go on the air in August and talk about sports. This is actually what really separates the good take Smiths from the bad ones and from the pretenders.
This is a soft move by Stephen A. Smith to just not show up for an entire month.
Greeny can't do it all. And then the other one I saw, which I kind of disregarded because once I saw who wrote it, it was like a top headline on Barstool.

It was just Aaron Rodgers isn't a top three quarterback with the rankings of quarterbacks, but it was from Stephen Chase.

So that's not even –

I agree with him.

He was just – yeah.

He was just kind of doing his thing.

I agree with him.

I agree with him.

He's doing fantasy rankings.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, okay.

Well, I agree with him. No matter what, I back him.
He's my guy. Yeah.
Great take by him. Just a good week for old takes.
Yes. Yes.
Yeah, that is true. Like, this is prime.
Let's rank quarterbacks. Tiering of the quarterbacks for no reason.
Aaron, like, this is the perfect time for it in this part of the summer. You know what we should do? We should tier kickers.
Make a debatable list of the best kickers in the NFL or just head coaches in general. Tiering head coaches, I feel like we get some good engagement.
Yeah, okay, we'll do that next week. I like that.
I like that. All right, PFT, you're who's back.
My who's back of the week is robots. Robots are back.
I don't know if you guys saw this. I know that you guys are big chess fans, but there was a giant chess tournament that took place in Russia over the weekend and had some of the best players.
And over in Russia, they farmed them young. They groom you to be a chess superstar from the time you're two years old.
And so one of the best chess players in the under nine division was playing he's like on a fast track to be one of the best in the entire world and they had him play against a robot they made like a chess playing robot and the robot broke the child's finger in the middle of the game like it reached across the board grabbed its finger and then just snapped it and then the president of moscow chess federation said the robot broke the child's finger. This is, of course, bad.

And so the kid had to be taken away by like three people, like its mom, and then two bystanders had to like pry the fingers of the robot off the kid. This is just the most Russian story ever.
And it just goes to show that I am anti-robot, and I've been anti-robot for quite some time even when Boston Dynamics puts out their cute little dogs they're capable of getting kicked over and standing back up I just want everybody to stay woke out there and join me on the team of being anti-robot I want to be anti-robot I want to be anti-robot but I can't be a hypocrite because I literally just said that I back steven che so um there's some robots if they rank aaron rotters out of the top three i can get behind well if the robot has a significant amount of martin luther king autograph memorabilia then i'm okay with that robot but i need to make sure that they're not racist first what if the robot was like trying to win and it like glitched it was like the best way to win isn't on the chessboard.

It's break the hand that plays the chess.

Yeah, the kid had to quit.

The robot won.

So like the robot will now learn that violence is an acceptable answer when it comes to chess.

This is how it starts.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword was full of shit.

They just didn't have good swords.

I blogged this on Friday. Did you guys see the the boston dynamics robot that was shooting a gun yeah terrible shot bad shot looked like pft playing cod that's terrifying oh damn damn hey fucking roasted you know how much i care about war zone yeah it sounds like you do no i'm a fucking pilot bitch if it was if it was an aim 120 amram or an aim 9x sidewinder i put that thing right into your face i don't give a shit about shooting machine gun i got fucking laser guided missiles your reaction to that joke says you might care a little bit no i just want hank to shut the fuck up okay all right my who's back of the week is uh one of my favorite bears of all time, Brian Urlacher.
I've said this before, but if you're on the internet, you get got. Brian had – he got got, and it was bad.
So I don't know if you guys saw this, but the PGA Tour tweeted, and it's spelled T-U-O-R, and also on the avatar it says parody tweeted, breaking, Jim Nance reportedly joins Liv for a four-year contract. In a statement to the press, he said, I feel like I'm the best and I want to be paid like it.
He also added, goodbye, friends. And Urlacher responded, damn right, and you should be compensated for being the best.

Maybe they will televise live events now with the best announcer hashtag live golf.

And it was like, okay.

I mean, just because it was not, it's like not only that you got duped by a parody, but you like came out as like the number one live golf fan.

But you know what?

You don't need, you don't need to be the smartest guy online to be a hall of fame linebacker. So I'm just going to remind people that the internet's a tricky place, and it's not fair that people are throwing parodies in Brian Urlacher's feed because that's just not – it's not right.
It's not right. Also, I'm pretty sure Jim Nance is paid like the best because he's the best.
I'm pretty sure he's compensated very handsomely. So Urlacher there's no real reason for him to like self-identify as being a saudi stan but he took the bait and stepped in it but it's good to know though like this actually might end up being in his favor where he might get an offer from the live tour to come like cover golf for them yeah to run their social media account that'd be great yeah yeah good good the goodbye friends though part like that if the if the parody marking on the literally says it's watermark parody on the avatar or the misspelling of the word tour wasn't the giveaway goodbye friends should have been the giveaway but again it's not right that people are retweeting this stuff into brian urlacher's uh feed so i'm going to defend him on this one even though he was trending for like all of saturday night because of it uh jason on first air yeah yeah my who's back of the week is making fun of yourself so last week the talk of the nfl world was how leonard fournette gained weight he then responded by posting a meme of an overweight guy in a suit with his face on it.
Camp in two days. Love y'all.
I'm off. And it went viral.
So he's leaning into the joke a little bit, which is cool. It's funny.
Yeah. How was PLL? You did a great job.
You're on ESPN, too. Did you say it was a success all around? Didn't get canceled? Thank you.
Yes, didn't get canceled. That's always the first big check mark.
I thought it went well over all a few things I'm going to beat myself up over. But, yeah, I thought it was good.
Hopefully we'll get more opportunities either with them or more sports coming in the future. We'll see.
What was the Diet Coke situation like in the press box? I didn't see any Diet Coke, but I wasn't looking out for Diet Coke. I'm a water-only guy.
And what about the spread? Do they have cold cuts? I didn't eat before. I had a turkey sandwich four hours before game time.
Nice. And now plain lays? No chips.
The most important question jake what is give us one of the things you're going to beat yourself up for so we can then bring it up to you so the uh the guy i was working with ryan boyle is one of the best lacrosse players who's ever played the game he said the redwoodwoods should shoot a two-pointer. Five seconds later, they shot a two-pointer.
And I'm like, oh, that's Tony Romo-esque. And then I kind of was like, oh, no, he works for CBS.
I'm calling this on ESPN. Is that going to be a big deal that I'm kind of like promoting a competitor? Dude, you're fired.
You're fired. You know what? I actually remember that moment because I stopped watching your broadcast

and I just tuned into CBS.

I was like – something in my brain clicked.

I was like, wait, I haven't checked on CBS in a while.

So I turned off ESPN2 and started watching CBS because of the promotion you gave them.

Yeah.

So I was – in the commercial, I'm like, oh, no.

Like, was that bad?

But then the producer is like, don't worry about it it's all good yeah no shit i noticed you didn't do the collinsworth slide at the beginning of it probably for the same reason you didn't want to give any shine to nbc so they'll be sure to they'll be sure to check that one off as yes he passed that test but ultimately he tanked our ratings ratings. I apologize to ESPN for that.

I should have said it was Dan Orlovsky-esque

or I can't say

John Gruden anymore.

I can say Troy Aikman now.

I should have used a different

comparison.

It was Dan Orlovsky-esque

because he wasn't jacking off while he shot the shot.

Yes.

He was at the games, actually, with his kids. Oh, boss guy less time to be alone with a woman in a room hopefully i don't uh hopefully i still get invited back due to that error so i apologize let's let's pray let's pray um okay let's get to andrew schultz great interview long interview uh we had him in studio last week uh Before we do that, a quick word from our friends from Roman.
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Okay, here he is, comedian Andrew Schultz.

Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest. It is comedian Andrew Schultz.

He has a new special out called Infamous. buy it yeah andrewschultz.com the andrewschultz.com some fucking yeah really early days too no way that's such a scumbag move did you have a conversation with them nah i didn't even try really because i think this was even before you could reach out to people.
Like, this was before Instagram. This was like maybe Twitter days.

So I was just like, fuck it, take the website.

So you can have it?

Is it probably another guy named Andrew Schultz,

or do you just get it just to take it from you?

I'm hoping it's another Andrew Schultz.

Well, no, wouldn't it be cool, though, if he was like,

this Andrew Schultz guy, he's promising.

He believed him.

Yeah, right.

There's that one guy who I think, like, very early internet days, like, bought all of MLB teams. Oh, yeah, people still do that.
He bought like the Yankees and everything. That's smart.
No, that's smart. Yeah.
People try to do that with like ETH and shit. Yeah.
So someone from my Venmo, and so they just get random Venmo sometimes, and Venmo won't give me my name from them. So they're getting money from you.
Yeah, they're getting – Well, they're taking money that is – From your friends when you guys go out to dinner. Yeah, that's like meant for me.
Oh, that's brilliant. And there's nothing they can do about it.
There's no such thing as like a blue check on Venmo. Dude, that's a great fucking, oh, that's a great hustle.
Yeah. He's just making tons of money.
So all right, so Infamous is out. Yo, Infamous is out.
Buy it. What are you looking for? No, I got it.
Yeah, man, go buy it, man. That'd be great.
I'm selling on my website. So I was telling you before we started that I was listening to you on Tim Dillon.
Tim Dillon should come on the show. He was being a pussy about COVID and then he got COVID, which was very funny.
He should be a pussy about COVID. He's not built to beat it.
But you said, I'll i if i made it or not like instantly because of this you know yeah i'm going direct to the people i have a huge youtube following they're gonna go buy it so it's been a couple days yeah you made it yeah yeah it hit the numbers yeah give us the numbers um give us the money we uh how much money did you put in your pocket? We, so after the, money's gross, but it's influential, right? Yes. That's the shitty thing about money is that you don't want to tell people how much money you made, but at the same time, like, that's how they're going to judge your success.
Right. So like, yeah, we made like so far over 3 million.
Wow. So that was cool because I had to put up a lot to get it back and I had to sacrifice a lot to get it back.
Yeah, so tell that story. So you were going to be on, was it Amazon? That's what people are saying.
No, it wasn't Amazon? Maybe. Okay, so let's say hypothetically- I hate being a bitch about this shit.
No, no, no, don't be a bitch because we're asking. I like the, no, no, because I like the exec at the streaming company.
And I don't want to be a fucking hypocrite because I'm doing projects with all these fucking streaming companies. I'm just, I only care about comedy.
Right. You got to force me to act.
Right. I don't, I'm saying this right now.
And every time I say it, I get offered another gig. I don't like acting.
Right. I'm bad at it.
But. They keep offering shit.
They make Godfather 4. I'll do it.
Because I like Because I like the movie Fucking do it Bro they made White Men Can't Jump And it was like Literally the director Almost didn't put me in it And I was like why He was like Well I listen to Brilliant Idiots And you specifically said Don't cast me I'll ruin your movie No but that's good That's good marketing for yourself It's like I don't want I don't want to do your project Now I want to write a movie And put you in it. They're the thing they can't have.
I'll make you act. You'll act for me.
I hate acting too. Yeah.
No, dude, acting's the worst. We should never be in a movie.
It sucks that we're so good at it because it sucks and I'll never do it again. Yeah, maybe that's the strategy.
You are. You're there watching every clip.
That's a good-ass point. You're not used to it because it's Hollywood.
You're like a boxer that retires after every fight. You're like, okay, this is my last fight.
I'm done. Bro, I always did that with this special.
Really? I was nervous. I was like, should I just say it's my last special? I'm like, because I don't know how the fuck this thing works, right? There's no metric for success early on.
So I'm like, do I call my friends that have done the pay-per-view shit and see when the orders come in? I have no clue. Right.
And yeah, thank God it fucking did good so so you're not snitching because i'm asking yeah yeah yeah so you were supposed to let's just say a hypothetical streamer yeah yeah uh and you were going to do the special with them yeah and they contact signed everything ready to go they've seen the special they know the fucking jokes they saw me live and they were like andrew you say the n-word way too much in this special just enough so what i said was just enough and there's only one way you can find out where's my camera if you go to the andrewshaugh.com right now just enough you you you'll you'll know it when you feel it what just enough is but so they they were like they tried to give you notes and they tried to cut a joke, right? There was a few jokes they wanted to cut.

So what were the jokes?

There was a Ted Bundy joke where I'm basically saying that the women deserved it.

Okay.

I can see how a streamer would be like, this is uncomfortable.

I'm being fucking hyperbolic a little bit.

Of course.

Did you guys see the documentary about Ted?

I did, yes.

Okay, like the way he's killing these girls is the thing that stuck out is is like he asked them if they could help fix his car. Right.
And it's like the fuck you know about fixing cars, lady? Well, but you know what I mean? Counterpoint like this is what the 1970s. That's no triple A like people just ask like I feel like that happened where you just like, hey, can you help me lady with stockings yeah just like and said can you help fix my volkswagen beetle but you're thinking of it hold on hold on wait no no no no your car is no is fucked on the side of the road but you're thinking of it as a post ted bundy world this is a pre ted bundy world like this is before ted bundy went around asking everyone existed and women didn't work yet yeah right but why't work yet.
Yeah, right. You're like, why are you out of the house? But also people didn't get murdered.
Shouldn't you be making a pie and putting it on a windowsill? They didn't get murdered for fixing a handsome guy's car. He's talking about strictly from a mechanical standpoint.
Oh, I know that. I know that.
But, like, they didn't say, like, oh, shit, I've heard about Ted Bundy. I'm not going to help.
You see the world half full. You're a feminist.
When you see a woman. Dude, I have a daughter.
Come on. There it is.
Yeah. The future's female.
Fuck yeah. Right? feminist when you when you see a woman dude i have a daughter come on there it is yeah the future's female fuck yeah right so it's like you see a woman you see a woman that could fix a car why not well because i'm also i can't fix a car what i can't but i would stop i would stop you and i'd be like hey buddy can you help me fix i'd be like fuck no dude and i'd be like all right right but if i stopped a girl and i was like do you think you might be able to fix the car she's like oh yeah you know i'm marissa fucking tomei oh you're

not as good looking as ted bundy right that's true right that's true and he was good looking

for the time right like if you look at him now i don't think objectively he's like that good no he's

still hot you think yeah i went back and i was like damn homeboy could get it he had that like

yeah he had that prep school look that like yeah he did have a waspy thing. Yeah, so I don't know if it's...
It would be an honor, actually, to be murdered by Ted Bundy. So what you guys are saying is, do you agree it was the girl's fault? Maybe the girls knew exactly who he was, and maybe they were like, yeah, choke me, daddy.
That's it. So anyway, so that was one of the jokes, and they were like, we don't like you taking this position where it's the girl's fault.
Right. And I was like, that's reasonable, we're just joking around right it's comedy you're not saying it you're not like saying it as a matter of fact on cnn i believe in none of this right right all of it is bullshit yeah it's just for fun right like i'm not doing fucking think pieces like chappelle can do the think pieces right okay i'm gonna make you laugh right if malcolm gladwell went back and like wrote an expose like an essay on why the women deserve to be killed by somebody which he might do which would be an interesting pivot for him then that's one thing but you're on stage telling a joke about it exactly so even him half of his shit is bullshit anyway right i asked him once i was like do you ever like go back on your opinions he's like oh yeah it's wrong all the time i make stuff like i put 10 000 hours it's like being a masseuse a masseuse because you said.
Malcolm Gladwell is the perfect case of a guy who's just smart enough that dumb people like ourselves think he's a genius. And then real smart people are like, no, no, no, no.
This guy's full of shit. And then when the real smart people try to explain why he's full of shit, I get lost.
And I'm like, I'm just going to fucking read this book about how if I shoot free throws for 10,000 hours, I'll be in the NBA. Exactly.
Like, that's all I want to do. Yeah, you need someone that's like, can communicate at your IQ.
Right. But just a little bit smarter than you.
Right. Yeah.
It's like, that's the Neil deGrasse Tyson thing. Yeah.
Do you guys like that? Yeah, we've had him on. Yeah.
Oh, really? Yeah. He sucks, huh? Yeah, I mean, he's cocky.
He does suck. He does suck about a lot of things but uh humbug about everything but he fills in he fills in a nice niche in america which is like we need one nerd we can only really do one nerd at a time yeah and right now he's king nerd i think welcome gladwell is like he's the second tier guy but like if you need a nerd if you need a smart guy it's just like ask neil tyson right yeah my only issue with him is he's such like a downer about everything it's like right you're celebrating christmas and they're like well there's no way that he could deliver the presents right no that shit sucks but it's actually kind of i i would say why joe rogan is very popular too is because he talks about a lot of subjects that like i don't know i don't have enough time to learn about this subject but he talks about it in a way with people where it's just above my threshold of knowledge.
I'm like, damn, he's making some good points. And Joe's genius is he just calls himself an idiot all the time, and he's not.
That's what we do, too. I think the kettlebells thing.
But we are idiots, yeah. What do you mean? We are idiots.
Barstool's done this very well. You're like, we're just the guys, but you're all really fucking smart, and you have nuanced comedy.
You're like, it's just the guys. I mean, it's a billion-dollar business, but it's just the guys but you're all like really fucking smart and you have like like nuanced comedy yeah like it's just the guys i mean it's a billion dollar business but it's just the guys we're just hanging out yeah yeah but so you i won't pull back the veil yeah yeah don't tell them don't tell them that we all go home and read books every night this entire show like everything that we do every day we we spend about three hours before every podcast scripting the show every word is written out brilliant and yeah, it's really like there's a lot of work that goes into sounding this stuff.
100%. There's some people that actually believe that, too.
Yeah. They do.
That think that everything's, like, written and planned out. Like, part of my take is rigged is essentially what they're saying.
Yeah. Scripted.
What do you mean? Like, I think, like, we're like, all right, now we're going to do this joke. Now we're going to do this.
Now we're going to do that. It's literally just us, like, being like, what should we talk about? And then we're like, all right, let's talk about this.
That's the best compliment. Right.
Because they can't conceive that people are going to be that interesting or funny just off the cuff because they don't think they are. So they're like, no, these guys are faking it.
Yeah. Yeah, I could see that.
I do think there's a level of intelligence. I think if you pulled back the veil of Barstool, it's not that we're very smart.
It's that we know that we're not very smart. Do you know what I mean? I think you guys undersell your intelligence.
But there's a level of knowing where you're stupid and having that... It's pretty much stupid people, people who are a little bit smarter but know they're not that smart, and then really smart people.
One more thing. Passion.
Yes. You will be smarter than the average person at the thing you're passionate about.
Correct. And like obsession, like passion and obsession.
Like you can talk circles around fucking Malcolm Gladwell when it comes to like, I don't know, the NFL combine or just any of these types of things. So now they're the idiot.
Right. So you guys ideally get people that actually really love what they're talking about.
And that's just general podcasting. If you like, I've always thought like anyone who's passionate about anything, you just want to hear them talk about it.
Yeah. Because like they're excited about it.
You're going to get excited about it. And we are very passionate about sports.
But we also know it's very dumb at the end of the day like that's what everything's dumb everything's dumb there's no point to anything correct neil tyson will tell you like the earth will be swallowed by the sun in six billion years it's like who gives a shit who cares who gives a fuck yeah who cares yeah that really annoys me that guy so also them geeking out about that stupid picture that they got from the telescope oh i hated it hated it. I like that picture.
Can you explain why? Yeah, because it made me feel so small. It reminded me of how insignificant everything that we do truly is, which in a way is freeing.
It's liberating to know, like you just said, who gives a shit? It's the ultimate reminder of who cares because you look up at the sky and the piece of the sky that's the size of a grain of sand contains like 5,000 galaxies that you can't even see it just reminds you okay well really at the end of the day it doesn't matter that the washington commanders have to deal with carson wince as their quarterback oh that's how you deal with your misery yeah exactly this is like your 12 step it really it really it lets you know that the stuff that you're upset about right now even though it feels like it's the biggest thing in the world and this could be anybody out there with whatever problem they have yeah ultimately it doesn't really matter yeah yeah i i think the exact opposite way i'm with you where i was like i looked at the picture of the universe yeah i was i looked at the picture i was like all right like if they showed me like the rose bowl on this i'd be like oh that's cool now i understand it yeah like when i was looking i was like what am i looking at i want to believe that our lives are important yeah i want to believe that what we're doing has value. Because then I can get up every way and grind.
It doesn't. We all kind of fucking know this.
Right. It's like why I like religion.
You know what I mean? It's like, be nice to people. Don't rape.
And it's like, why not? Fucking God. Yeah.
He told us not to. It makes sense.
Right? Like, you just need to fucking read. Hey, the sun revolves around the earth.
And then some asshole Copernicus who was smoking out like 12-year-olds is like, no, it's the other way. It's like, shut up.
Shut up, queer. Who gives a fuck? They killed him.
Good. We wrote it down in all the books already.
You should have told us before we wrote the books. All right.
So here's my question for you. I do this thought experiment every now and then.
And it's probably wrong for me to do it but i always think like what if what if i just stopped right what if i retired tomorrow okay how long would it take for people to just forget about me maybe like a month what would it be for you like do you ever think about that it's a scary one because it's like you think about uh even even uh desus and marrow just broke up so we're taking this good so so they break up and i'm thinking about it and it's like everyone's upset and it sucks but like in two months like people like oh yeah that was fun move on bro yeah right everyone moves on with their life so it's like that's the way i kind of envision like how i humble myself right where i'm like if i just stop tomorrow i think people would be sad for like a couple weeks and then they'd be like all right what's this podcast because they also have to move on right and it's not even that you weren't important to them it's that they also need something to like give them joy and distract them during their day right so you can't even blame them for that shit right you know i mean it's like how long are you even gonna mourn like a family member that dies like eventually you got to keep going 24 hours tops tops tops tops older or younger than me that's the question sociopath i like this i fucking like this uh no yeah so like you're gonna have to move on i hear what you're saying i'm wondering how how much that's the tricky thing even now because like i put out the special and like i don't like to tour non-stop right like i want to reflect on my new life and then i want to do comedy i want to do in small little clubs and bounce around the city like develop new jokes and like i want the comedy to be something that i'm passionate about that's going to take time right like people are asking me oh when you go on tour i'm like i'm not going on tour right not until i have something that i want to tour right you know what i mean yeah so if you died the night of a show right and people had already bought their tickets they spent like bucks, would they be more upset that they're like, oh, man, I can't believe he died.

That's so sad. He was such a good guy.
The world will be an empty place. Or will they be like, I wonder if I can get my 40 bucks back? I think there are going to be some people upset about that 40 bucks.
Yeah. There are going to be some people upset that they had a plan that was ruined.
There's that great Patrice O'Neal bit that um about like uh you know like he was on the subway and uh you know they stopped the subway and they're like sorry everybody there's been a horrible accident the subway hit somebody and ran them over and you know there's a few seconds on the subway like oh my god it's just yeah yeah right right right just look at the you look at the watch within 10 seconds like i got shit that i gotta do yeah yeah i guess that's the that's how you stay humble i don't know that's what you need you need a good balance of like confidence and insecurity or you could just be the i actually respect the fully confident people that are 100 confident do they make anything good i mean our boss dave is definitely one of those people like he's always confident in himself he's always confident in himself we had him on the pod he's confident himself but he still has the chip and the chip drives him yes it moves him so the decisions that he makes that's with 100 confidence that's what you need you need the confidence to make the decision so you're not like stuck in the mud but you need the insecurity or you need so it's like the jordan shit like jordan's like making up people

right that are criticizing him that don't even exist because he needs the extra motivation to go a thousand percent yeah so i think that's what it is it's like you need the insecurity to get better but you need the confidence to actually do some people so crippled they won't even try to do the thing that they love yeah but i just dave is uh very he's like one in a billion in the fact that everything he does, he feels 100% confident in,

and it always works. When everyone's like, oh, how does this guy keep getting away with it? Because he tells the truth, and he just goes forward.
Yeah. And I respect that, because I don't have that brain.
Why? I just don't. I have the brain of, if I woke up tomorrow, one day I'm going to wake up, and everyone's going to be like, oh, this guy's not funny anymore.
Really? Yeah. You think that? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. I look at it like a lot of NFL players.
They get into the league and maybe they have a good like three, four seasons. And in the moment to them, it feels like I am the league.
You know, like I'm a big fucking shot. Yeah.
It takes, you know, one down year, maybe a bad injury. And next thing you know know like there's a guy that they drafted that's taking a spot already yeah like the the world the world that we live in making content there's always going to be somebody that replaces you right actually it's just the nature of the beast i think i think that's why you got to nourish those people too like drake did it better than everybody right like like drake's co-signed every artist is coming up it's smart yeah it's smart because you get to hop on the wave a little bit, but you also give them their first fucking single that goes crazy.
So now they're indebted to you for life. That's true.
That's big homie for life. So who are you doing that with? Who are you grooming? I mean, who am I grooming? Drake does that with underage girls too.
Does he really? Wow. Allegedly.
Allegedly. 17.
It depends on what state you're in really really you shouldn't know the laws what do you mean you shouldn't know the states that are 17 i know you shouldn't i agree yeah you should be like mississippi yeah yeah i was in arkansas what are you talking about that's an adult anybody that has that that rolodex like ready to pull up in their brain big red flag so wait that's that's what they're saying that he was groomed i don't believe that i actually this is actually something that i just learned from pft yeah no it tells me it's a real thing it's a real thing i don't know all the details about but he's he's had a a long track record of befriending young women on their way up and be like i see a lot of talent and you and who knows it could be like completely benevolent he could be just being a great guy, but it just so happens to be 14 to 17 year old girls that he has

repeatedly helped out on the way up.

Pedophiles ruin everything.

They do.

They fucking do.

Name one good thing a pedophile has ever contributed to this world.

That's it.

Actually,

Socrates.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like Michelangelo.

Like,

I mean,

you guys know who Stavros is?

Yeah. He was on the show a month ago.
Stavros is great. He had a really funny bit.
It's like, Oh Like I mean you guys know who Stavros is Yeah He was on the show Okay Stavros is great He had a really funny bit It's like Oh I thought you were saying Yeah He is Greek Yeah Oh fuck We just had him on Do we have to delete that Yeah we had a funny bit about like Like you know Why can't we separate the art from the artists Like when we were talking on the show And he's like Dude like like you know we're not listening to r kelly it's like we still use the pythagorean theorem yeah right like all these old greek dudes were just smoking out little kids yeah and uh and yeah that's i mean dude that's that you know that's the funny thing i was talking to timmy about this and i've been trying to like work this out but like like you live long enough you become like the bigot like the most progressive person right now and like the hippie in the 60s right now is going like why do dudes gotta swim with chicks yeah right right like it like the progressive right the armpit hair mom is now like freaking out right and like i wonder if that's the thing with the catholic church where it's just like they came around and like everybody in like early antiquity just had like a little boy that they would use as like a fleshlight, right? Like everybody. If you were successful, Michelangelo, fucking Galileo, Copernicus, all of them had little boys that they would fight.
Yeah. And then Catholicism comes around and like starts cleaning up shop.
And they're like, listen, cut this fucking boy fucking out. Stop fucking animals.
Right. There's like a brothel that's preserved in pompeii that had the pictures of what you could buy they're fucking animals and shit like they're monsters right people right catholicism comes in cleans up and fast forward 2 000 years they're the boy fuck right right and i wonder if like a few like priests that know history are like do you know how lucky y'all are yeah like we we we brought it down to like basically only a few thousand a few people it's a net we move them around yeah right right do you know what i mean it's not even happening just one area we'll take it to another area right like this is the cost of like your kids anal freedom right is that we had to clean this up yeah yeah i mean that's something hard to think about yeah like it would be crazier would it not yeah it would be crazier if if if religion didn't come well i don't know fuck now we're getting really deep like i don't know this is thought experiment yeah what i'm trying to say is we need something to organize society yeah we know we need that because people have to have an explanation for the things that can't be answered.
There it is.

That's really what it is.

And also people want answers and no one can answer.

And a limit too.

That was the big thing with COVID when everyone was freaking out and how it swung so hard

is that the people that are supposed to be the experts are supposed to tell us and they

had no clue.

Of course, we know why they had no clue, but that's where it all fell apart where it's

like, dude, you're supposed to be the ones that tell us it's going to be okay and you're not doing that and everything falls apart because you need an adult everyone needs an adult in the room 100% who could just be like yeah no this is actually what's going on 100% it's back to the intelligence thing where like I'm smart enough to know I'm not the smartest but I need the smartest to tell me like smart people tell us We like smart people telling us why Elon is worth a trillion dollars. Right.
It's just like, oh yeah, he's our smart guy. You tell us what to do.
This is so much easier if we organize our lives like this. Yeah, the world needs smart guys.
I wish Elon would focus on one thing at a time, though. It seems like he's spread himself out pretty thin.
Bro, you know what's so crazy about Elon? Is it like, you know how he's getting a lot of hate? Like it went Trump, Rogan, and now it's Elon. Yeah, Dave's been mixed in there a bunch of times.
It was like Trump, Rogan, Dave, Rogan. I've always had the theory that Dave is just the, he is like the easier target of all those guys.
Yeah. So it's like he's a step below Trump, Rogan, and Elon.
So everyone's like, we can get him. Yeah.
Because you can't get Trump. You can't get Elon.
They're learning that like if they go at Dave, they don't get the results. Right.
So I think they just move on. Yeah, because he punches back.
Exactly. And hard.
Yes. Way hard.
It's really great to see. Way, way hard.
Exactly. It's going to be tough for you to go to Jamba Juice the next day.
Yeah. When you have to say your name.
You want to go to SoulCycle? Yeah. Yeah.
I don't think so. He's getting mean looks.
Your class has been canceled. Your class has been canceled.
But but yeah so it's like elon came out and i think he i think elon thought that he was bigger than the system yeah and i don't know what the system is no who knows who they are whatever but like no one is no one is and that motherfucker's learning bro yeah because like all of a sudden the tesla started crashing and that not that they weren't crashing. We just weren't hearing about it.
Yeah. And then every week there's a new article.
Listen. The dad fucking the daughter.
A lot of the stuff. That's crazy.
That's fucked up. How did we not know this? Yeah, it's not like it was a big secret, really.
It's just somebody. What happens is somebody will just find a quote from an old interview online, take a take a screenshot of it and be like how did nobody realize this earlier right and it turns out that he was having kids with not just his stepdaughter which is bad very bad like woody allen stuff yeah but he raised her from the time that she was four years old he's got two kids so fucked up bro it's like and that's elon's sister it's yeah slap your dad's dick out of your sister.
Sister slash, wouldn't it be mother? No, stepmom. Stepmom, yeah.
Stepmom. Oh, now? Yeah.
It's a sister slash stepmom. If they're married.
Yeah. I think they're broken up, but yeah.
That's fucked up. Why'd they break up? That's sad.
I mean, if you're going to go to those links, at least make it work for life. You know, didn't I raise you to commit to things? No, but you're right.
Like the Dave piece, like his everything that's happened in the last couple of years, I'm convinced a lot of it has to do with he started making a mockery of Wall Street and the Davey Day trader stuff when he's like, it's all fake. Like, stocks only go up.
I think that had a lot to do with because he pissed off a lot of people who've been playing this game for a really long time and they don't want someone to come and shine a light and be like, hey, this is all just kind of a joke. If you disrupt a powerful institution, they will come for you.
Yeah. Because their life depends on it.
It's like you're fucking with their money. You're fucking with their family.
Yeah're you're exposing like what they've been kind of rolling with for a very long time nobody said anything about elon until he was like i'm no longer a democrat yeah and then literally a few weeks later was like remember when your dad fucks kids right like this like they knew that the whole time right but he went a little too far yeah yeah fuck i just wish he'd focus though because he he's at the same time, he's like trying to he's claiming he's trying to defend free speech. Yeah.
He's also trying to save the human race by taking us to Mars. He's inventing autopilot cars.
The subway. He invented the subway when he drilled that tunnel to his girlfriend's house.
He did. He's like, yeah, we're all going to get in a tunnel and go from point A to point B.'s like um yeah subway are there gonna be snapple bottles rolling around yeah yeah can we maybe fix the fact that every time it rains in new york city the subway gets flooded let's start there he's like we're gonna do a subway but you're all gonna still drive your own cars yeah how does that sound and they're gonna be my cars yeah yeah no he's uh he's just all over the place i want.
I think he's taken a copious amount of Adderall.

I think the dude is just like drifting from one topic.

He just needs to focus in on one thing.

Yeah.

And just really lock in on that.

Dominate it.

Either space.

Do you want to go to space?

Do you want to go underground?

Yeah.

Or do you want to defend free speech?

Just pick maybe two out of those three.

He's also like, we have a theory, and it's not like a novel theory, but like any guy

who, or any person, because I'm a feminist, any woman guy who has that much money and doesn't buy a sports team can't be trusted. Piece of shit.
Because it's like, what is the point of having that much money and not owning a sports franchise? That's the end goal of society. Would you do it? Yes.
Yeah. I would stop doing everything else, and that would now be my career.
Yes. The end goal is, like, buy an NFL team.
That's what rich people do. They don't fucking try to cure, like, the world of all its problems and go to Mars.
They fucking buy the Panthers and then get pissed when they go seven and nine. So $10 billion.
Yeah. Who are you buying? I mean, I would buy the Bears, but I'd buy any team that was up.
Yeah, whatever I got to sell at that point. But you're not starting with football.
I would start. Football is the top.
Okay, you know there are franchises that you guys could probably buy now. Well, I actually invested in a soccer team in Wales that was in the EPL and then got relegated.
I've lost all the money I invested in. It wasn't a lot, but it was still stupid.
So we tried it. We own the world's worst lacrosse team.
Yeah, that too. And we have a part ownership stake in an NBL team, which is a New Zealand professional basketball team for breakers.
But this is just pieces. Like, I want to be the owner.
You want to be the guy. And that's what a rich guy should want to do.
They should want to be like, I have all this money. I can't spend all this money.
Let me go just fucking win a Super Bowl. Yeah, because you believe you could do it.
And that's better than Mars. Like, being the guy who gets handed the Lombardi trophy is so much better than Mars.
It is. You can't fucking convince me otherwise.
It is. What's on Mars? We have the pictures.
Right. It's fucking crazy to me.
So that's why Elon, like, dude, just buy. If Elon bought, like, an NBA team tomorrow, I'd be like, all right, now he's on track.
Yeah, he's on track. That'd be so cool.
Yeah, so you're a diehard Knicks fan, right? I can't say diehard anymore. But I've been, like, a season ticket holder forever.
I'm just annoyed. And it's, like, so obvious the problem.
Like, my buddy was showing me the board of the Knicks. There's, like, five Dolans on the board.
Yeah. You can't tell me that the five best people to increase shareholder profits happen to have your last name.
Right. Like that's not possible.
Right. Right? Right.
Like there's something wrong there. Right.
Right? And I was talking to Timmy about this as well. Just like this is why you can't trust nepotism.
Like I admire people who have like family businesses and stuff like that and they continue continue to be good, but you're not going to get the IQ. You're going to have a dumb fucking kid or a dumb fucking daughter, whatever it is, and they're not going to be able to run the team, and he just won't relinquish the fucking team.
It's the old saying, the first generation builds it, the second generation maintains it, the third generation destroys it. 100%.
That's really what... And it actually always makes sense when you look at it and you're like why is things going bad it's like oh because it's the fucking grandkid yeah who has been rich his entire life and like what do they care that's uh the george w bush yeah like that the bush family in action right there first guy he made the billions second guy led the cia became president third guy destroyed the country that's kind of how it That's why the Kennedys are genius, because the third generation just dies in tragic ways.
Yes. Before they can fuck it up.
Before they can fuck it up. It's Shakespearean.
It's brilliant. And they are broke now, the Kennedys.
And they keep the allure, because it's like, what if? What if these tragic things hadn't happened? That Joseph Kennedy, though? Oh, bad guy. That motherfucker.
Bad guy. He's a badass dude.
Bad guy. But designed the whole thing.
He's the architect. Yeah, he did.
Like, he was like, literally, my son is going to be president. I'm going to sell drugs or fucking bootleg or whatever the hell he did.
How do you make his money? He was a bootleg runner. He was a bootlegger, right? He was a Nazi sympathizer.
Was he really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
The Bushes, too. Do you watch Peaky Blinders? I watched the first two or three seasons.
All right, so the last season, there's a character that's pretty much just Joseph Kennedy. I watched until the Hasidic Jew was a badass, and I was like, I think I'm out.
You don't like fucking, what's his name, Tom Hardy? No, he's an amazing actor. Tom Hardy, yeah.
He's awesome. I just didn't buy the whole thing.
Why? I don't know. You're going to fight people.
They're always out of breath. Come on.
They're your henchmen. That's not believable for you anymore.
They wear like 40 pounds of cloth like it's not gonna happen i'm sorry yeah but that's yeah he uh he did he set up the whole thing and he also like i i've read a little bit about him and it's like joseph kennedy like he basically had the brains to be present himself he didn't have the demeanor the story and he didn't have the demeanor like people like fdr was like this guy's an asshole yeah like he's he's too much like he's too abrasive yeah and like that's and so he basically was like my sons will be a little less abrasive a little less of an asshole and put it all together and it wasn't supposed to be jfk he was supposed to be his brother died in world war ii and i think they crafted a story for jfk's like what what happened with jfk when he went to war wasn't exactly what happened you know i mean they kind of like manipulated the story to make him look a little bit more heroic right because he understood it's like that's what i'm impressed by obviously you can't talk to a guy like that but like i'm like how did you understand society and human reaction at a time where there's no fucking internet nothing this is just gut instinct you know how to manipulate people yeah and i mean you want self-belief. Yeah.
Confidence. Yeah.
To be like, my son's going to be president. But also like kind of come from the mud.
Like you're a gangster. Yeah.
Yeah. And you're not even, you're not mobbed up.
Right. Like you are mob, but you're not like Italian mob.
Right. Right.
Like, but you're working with those guys. You got those guys working.
That to me is incredibly impressive. Yeah.
And it seems like almost the American way american way it's like you come here you do some kind of shady illegal shit you get your bread and then you go legit yeah you clean it up for your for your kids that's it and if you don't clean it up by the next generation and you get clipped that's on you yeah yeah i kind of feel like it was easier to to do something like that back in the day though because if you want your son to be president and you're a rich dude and you're well known there's like three guys at that point that ran all the media in the united states right it's like three newspaper barons maybe one guy that makes newsreels and he worked in hollywood too yeah he worked in hollywood so so you can just you can make the country believe whatever narrative it is that you want there's nobody there was no twitter back then for people to be like actually his war record wasn't that impressive i pulled up these files you know like it was much more difficult to uh to to break whatever narrative already existed out there so so under this entire hypothetical that would mean that like my kids and kfc's kids they're the ones that like will take barstool to mainstream like to like we'll be on tv and shit fuck tv we were on tv for one day Yeah, it was awesome it was uh well no we oh no you had the espn we had espn yeah but this is but that was going that was going public like that was that was trying to clean up our at like the olive oil business being like hey look we're selling olive oil now and they're like no you aren't you said all this shit if you want to know who the look at who's selling olive oil. Yeah, right, exactly.
Diversify a little bit. Go there, yeah.
Trash and olive oil. So wait, there's a long way to go to what were the other jokes that got cut? I love this interview, though, because whenever we have interviews, I'll have notes and shit.
I haven't looked at my computer. I think this is the most fun.
Let's just fucking talk. That's what people like.
And it's almost like, I just like chopping it up. Obviously, I want to promote the special.
And there's part of me that wants to do that. But at the same time, I just like fucking talking shit.
So if people go see it, that's awesome. But the jokes that you got cut are in the special, right? Exactly, yeah.
Well, they didn't get cut. We didn't cut it.
It was a Ted Bundy joke.

It was another, there was another Michael Jackson joke in there that they didn't love that much.

And a lot of victim blaming here.

I'm sensing a trend.

Yeah.

And then there was like parts of this abortion bit that I put out that they were like, it was kind of like, there was silly.

The line, it was like a Harry Potter reference that I had for whatever reason they didn't like. Really? Yeah.
The line was fetus deletus. Like it was a spell.
And they were not feeling it. They weren't feeling it.
So how does that conversation go when they're like, here are your notes? Did you have, was there any moment where you're like, I want to work this through? I want to like work with you guys? I'm like, guys, like, well, let me know what's going on. Like, one, I'm bummed that you didn't tell me this before.
So this was right before we were supposed to go? No, no, no, no. We were going to, I want to finish the tour first.
So we were going to, like, you know, push it back. And then kind of what I think what really happened is, like, culture changed a little bit.
Like, you know, the Chappelle trans thing. Yeah.
I think freaked out. A lot of those.
yeah. And they were like, oh shit.
This is this crazy backlash. It looks crazy.
There's no backlash. But there's crazy backlash just for jokes.
I don't know if we can do this. And also I'm like, I'm a white guy and I'm like making fun of every single like race and religion and gender in the crowd.
Right. Now, if you're at the show, you watch the show, it doesn't feel bad because those people are there laughing at it right if i'm doing the blackface joke to a black dude it's not bad right if everybody's in the audience is white and i'm talking about these things then maybe it gets a little sensitive but like at my shows it's the most diverse fucking audience so it's like i'm busting balls with everybody it's fine but i understand an executive board that's just like wait a minute white guy yeah making fun of somalians right this is weird alert do we want to attach ourselves to this have you noticed though um i feel like just anecdotally like it's now starting to swing back towards comedy where people are now because there was that moment where it felt like there was uh we can't make these jokes people can't do these things now it feels like comedians have kind of taken it back a little bit, being like, it's comedy.
It's supposed to be ridiculous and stupid and not real life, and people are supposed to laugh, and we're supposed to make you think about fucked up things. Yeah.
So do you think that that's actually, like, occurred where people, and why is that? Is that just because you guys now own it? YouTube. Yeah, you being able able to say here's my special and and that's what it is it's like what you guys did with sports yeah like every single i mean there's gonna be disruption in every industry but it's like once you feel the real it's hard to go back like and i'm not trying to like uh blow smoke up your guys ass but like once you watch once you watch shows here talk about sports it's hard to watch the guy in the suit make like Gucci Mane puns.
Right. Do you know what I mean? Like it's just harder.
Like once you feel the real, it's hard to go back to the phony. So I think that happened with media.
I think that happened like obviously with Rogan and podcasting. And I think it's happening with comedy where it's like you saw the comedy that's on Netflix and you saw the comedy that was on Comedy Central.
God awful, right? They're in the tubes. And then you saw what was being put out on YouTube and you're like, oh shit, I'm actually laughing.
Right. There was a point where people would say this.
I don't like stand-up comedy. That was a sentence human beings would say.
Right. No, you just don't like bad stand-up comedy.
Right. But that's all that was out there because everybody was so terrified so then they go and see comedy they start laughing they think that like it's this new novel thing it's like no there's an outlet for the good comedy right which is fucked up right yeah and that's how it's always been you look at carlin prior bruce eddie every comic that was like hilarious had immense pushback.
Cancel him.

Shut him down.

Don't let him talk.

To be honest, this is the best time to do comedy.

You want to do comedy at a period where people are like, don't do that comedy.

When anybody can just say anything, you get abstract with the comedy.

Do you know what I mean?

Like Galifianakis, who's hilarious, but he thrives in a moment where you can just say anything.

Right.

Because there's nothing to push back against. There's no fucking tension there's no nothing like naughty mischievous that's interesting there's no bottleneck now there's no you don't have to go the network route like you were saying with comedy central like there's not one guy in a suit being like i don't like this therefore you're not getting the exposure you can put it all out on your channel and then there's some guys that have been doing it long enough like like ch, like Chappelle, where they can do whatever they want because they know, like, okay, we'll pay him $30 million and he'll deliver a stand-up special that will get views.
And I was watching his most recent one, actually just like a week ago. The talk at the school? Oh, no, not that one.
I haven't seen that one yet. That one put me off because I was about to start watching it and then said it was a speech.
And I was like, I don't know what that means. He's delivering a speech.
I'm sure it was funny, but I watched the one that was before that. And I realized with Chappelle, there's so many jokes that people get mad about that he makes.
But when I'm watching him, I realized that in some of his more offensive jokes, he's putting the joke first before the the message he's tying his entire routine in just to get to this one very funny punchline that the funny punchline should not be looked at as him preaching at anybody trying to convince you about something he's just finding the best most interesting way to get to the funniest joke possible that's fine that's the goal right we're stand up goal, right? We're stand-up comics. We should make people laugh.
I think there's this idea that comedy has to be true and is probably, Jon Stewart was so fucking prolific at what he did that I think a generation of kids grew up going, oh, comedy is also truth. Right.
And it's not. He's genius at doing that, but comedy is just what makes you you laugh right like that's really what it is at the end of the day and we will say it's also like based on what you feel and what you feel is often wrong like we're not stupid we know the right thing to say to a group of people if i'm looking at like one of the survivors from ted bundy i'm not gonna be like well why'd you try to fix the car right right like but it's funniest thing is to say that funniest thing to say to a survivor is like, so like, did you ever think you might not be able to fix it? Do you know a lug nut? Like, what's going on here? Imagine you walked up and you're like, do you know a lug nut? Yeah, right.
Have you ever changed a tire? Yeah, what's going on? That's the fucked up thing, but it's the funniest. Yeah, and people think it.
They just, you know, you know, social norms, you don't say it because it would be fucked up to say to someone. Take my wife, please.
like watching jackass you know that you shouldn't go up to your friend kick him in the nuts but it's the funniest love watching other people do it it's great yeah 100 and it is where where everyone gets tripped up is because then they take like comedy taken to you know people transcribing it i always think like whenever someone it hasn't really happened to us but like if you transcribe a podcast yeah you could read it and be like well that's fucked up it's like but dude the intent like how we're saying it the humor in the room matters that's

the most important thing i was i was doing like a uh a conversation one of these things at the

cellar noam who owns the comedy cellar comedy cellar is amazing i'm sure you guys are familiar

if anybody's listening and watching go this amazing club and he does these like a conversation

Thank you. a conversation one of these things at the cellar noam who owns the comedy cellar if comedy cellar is amazing i'm sure you guys are familiar if anybody's listening and watching go this amazing club and he does these like conversations we'll have these like intellectuals and sometimes it brings comics on and they always try to like mash like comics and intellectuals i think like intellectuals kind of like like what we're doing and it's like naughty and they wish they could kind of say what because they're not funny and also they're not funny yeah right and um but they always they always try to add this importance to comedy.
They're like, this is the last bastion of hope in a free society. And I'm just like, Jesus fucking Christ.
We should never talk. Yeah, right, right.
The second we're on stage, I have to be right. Yeah.
I don't want to be right. Right.
I want to be a clown. I want to make everyone laugh.
Yes. Literally that.
There's nothing wrong with that. And it's the most beautiful thing.
Because at the end of the day, when we're at the bar busting balls nobody's like you know how right tim was today yeah right i love hanging out with that guy yeah that bit was so correct and there's nothing less funny than a comedian who's like i am the last bastion of truth right in an untruthful society oh god just be the last bastion of laughs like i remember being up there with them i was like guys like the funniest joke about covid or whatever like that is is not true it's not right but it's funny and and they're like like what and i was like uh i fuck i'm gonna fuck this up but i had something it was like um it was like like it like the me too movement like stopped with covid and they were like why and i was like well you know women like to be at home cooking and cleaning and all we had to do is give them a banana bread recipe and they shut the fuck up about their problems right and and immediately there's like a reaction and people like okay this is not true right it just happens to work out right right and you're just doing and you're getting the reaction out of people that's it that's the best comedy is when you're like when when someone, a comedian says something and you're like, whoa, that's fucked up, but holy shit, I laugh. That's funny.
Yeah, right. That's all it is.
You're making these kind of connections that are fucking funny. We're going to get back to Andrew Schultz in a second, but before we do, he's brought to you by our great friends over at BetterHelp.
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Invest in yourself, invest in your mind. Check Better help out betterhelp.com slash pmt for 10 off your first month and now here's more into schultz so um all right so you're special so you got had you you were like all right fuck it we're not doing it on this streaming service we won't say the name right right um and then you go straight to youtube was there a moment where you were not into youtube i oh yeah you yeah on your on the andrew schultz.com go buy it right now yeah and moment house is this company that is uh basically streaming the thing for me okay and then like we're gonna have it for sale for like two weeks so i think it stops like the first of august or july 30 or so all right so go buy it right now um because this is gonna be the last week we're gonna run this on monday and then you have it forever and And you have it forever.
That's yours. You should just be like expiration date, like six months.
Right. Just take it back.
I should, right? And just be like, you want to laugh at that? Pay me again. Put it back again.
Pay me again. So, but was there a moment where you're like, all right, this, like, I hope this works.
Yeah, I was terrified the entire time. Really? Absolutely.
Because you had to put up a lot of your own money. Yes.
Yeah, a lot of money. And that's, I mean, that got to be a fucking like when you're writing that check, like, oh, I get this back.
Yeah, it's fucking because I have no clue. Right.
Like, I know I have I have podcasts that are very supported and I have community that made me feel comfortable. You know what I mean? I had like I like I had a we had a Patreon with a Patreon for flagrant is and and I knew that there are people that really support us and there was a sizable amount of people so i was like okay these are the people that are willing to commit money to to me and my boys and i was like okay that gave me some confidence and then i looked at like obviously the live shows and we had done all these shows and i was like okay there are people who are willing to like get a babysitter put on a fucking outfit come out see a show i'm like okay this is good um but at the same time i have no expectation yeah dropped the first day and we asked the fucking we asked the company like what is the percentages like how many people buy the first day the last day like what is the thing and they were like uh oh it's usually like 30 the first day and then like 20 through and like 50 a day and we dropped the first day and it was okay.
Right. But I was like, fuck, is this going to be 30%? Dude.
So I'm like sweating. And we started to kind of build and we dropped some more clips and articles came out and people really kind of got behind the story.
And that last day, it was fucking nuts. And the day after, it was just fucking nuts.
And I bet when you do it again, you'll probably have the same feeling. Because it doesn't go, like, so that's not exactly the same, but we have rough and rowdy here.
Yeah, of course. Love fights.
So it's pay-per-view. Yeah.
And I see the numbers, and every single fight goes exactly the same. Where the numbers are slow, slow, slow.
Damn. And then, like, 30 minutes before, it's everyone.
Because, like, of course. Like, think about when you were fucking used to buy tyson fights you didn't buy it two days before you bought it like literally yeah right and but no matter what we'll do it and i'll just be nervous the whole day being like well is this the day that no one buys it and then boom like clockwork right before it starts like hey we just got all of our buys 100 it just scares the fuck out of you and the rub and rally thing is great because it like proves the value of story in a fight yeah you know like all the uh youtubers are doing it now and they're having a lot of success with these fights but the most success happens when there's an interesting storyline yes and you guys baked in storyline to people that you don't even know right two brothers I want to to see which brother is gonna win gay guy straight guy the hillbilly the black dude like build in the the beef already that's why ufc i think like took off was ultimate fighter they got i watched ultimate fighter and i was like this is awesome like now i know these guys these guys are fighting every day and they're living in a house together.
That part just takes it to a totally different level. Totally different level.
Yeah, you're baked in. And also that the company has all the fighters signed, so it behooves the company to make interesting fights.
And the fighters, a loss doesn't matter as much as in boxing, where if you're an up-and-coming fighter and you lose in your eighth fight, that could derail your entire fight. It's over, yeah.
It could be over. You could lose your first fight in the UFC and then go be UFC champion.
Yeah. They are invested in you.
They believe in you. You could lose five fights.
There are guys who lost three fights in a row. They're still fighting.
There are guys who have 17 losses on the roster still fighting. Yeah.
It's true. I never even thought about it that way, but you're right.
Like, that's part of why boxing is probably dying. It stinks.
It's like one loss. Like, we went and called the Canelo fight against Bivol, and he lost that.
And it's like, yeah, Canelo is still going to do well, and his next fight against Triple G is going to be great. Yeah.
But you have to be honest, like, a little bit, like, you're like, oh, that lost a little bit. 100%.
Yeah. You're always searching for perfection.
Yeah. You always think like the guy that's undefeated, he's the best in the world.
You got to beat him. But then if you have two losses early in your career, you might not get the chance to even step in the ring with that guy.
Yeah. And who knows? Because you're always looking for the guy that has that zero next to his name, like zero losses.
And then that's the guy that you got to beat. I've been trying to get an Alex Jones fight going on Ruff and Rowdy.
I actually heard from one of his reps a couple years ago that he wanted to step into the ring. I don't know who a fair fight would be against Alex Jones because he's such a unique body type.
Yeah. And I know you've interviewed him.
You know Alex pretty well. I feel like he would definitely sell pay-per-views.
People would want to see that fight. But then it's do we do we want to be in the alex jones business at the end of the day um 100 uh who does he fight that's a great that's so i i what's the funniest so i reached out to hassan you know hassan piker yeah so uh through through a friend of a friend his son was like yeah i'll fight alex jones but do they beef i think i i don't know if they beef outwardly i think it's kind of like game respect game like yeah yeah like alex jones is a fucking character and so people want to hear him you know go on his rants about whatever he's thinking about that day i don't know if they have like direct beef but i'm pretty sure that that fight would break all kinds of records yeah i mean it would absolutely i'm trying to.
You need to find the perfect foil for Alex, though. Alex has to fight Bill Clinton.
Yeah. Do you know what I mean? He has to fight Ghislaine Maxwell.
Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton versus Alex Jones in a hot dog eating contest or something like that? And then Alex Jones dies like 10 hours before the fight, mysteriously.
I mean, come on. You have to put a clause in for everybody pre-orders like we're keeping your money it doesn't matter like if he dies it's not our fault dude hillary clinton versus alex jones is the greatest pay-per-view that's ever existed in history just he gets like a bat get him in the ring knife or something or just get him in the ring and let him talk for like 30 minutes first have a debate have him see if hillary can convince him to suicide himself yeah yeah dude i mean there's no way you get hillary in there but i think you got to try to make that happen yeah i think you got to pitch it as wait why not hillary he would die the problem with alex is like the fuck dude i've seen i've seen his first step i've seen him like sprinting after people on the street oh yeah he's got a nice first step he first step.
He's explosive out of the gate. He would crush DK Metcalf in a three-cone shuttle.
He's a D-lineman. But I feel like anything longer than 30 seconds, Alex Jones is probably going to have a heart attack.
Yeah. I had dinner with him once.
He ate a whole onion raw. What? On a plate.
He just ordered an onion. We were getting steak, and then he was like, I'll just have an onion.
they're like On the steak He goes Nope Put it on a plate And he just gets the onion He cuts it in half And he's using a knife and fork And just having full on conversation Jesus Christ Yeah the thing with Epstein is Full onion That's such an alpha move Because like everybody else at the table Is like I could never do that Yeah We're like picking out our onions with two fingers. This is gross.
Holy fuck. No, he's a wild dude, man.
That guy is fucking entertaining, dude. I'm a little disappointed in his career trajectory, though, because I used to listen to Alex every day.
Oh, really? I lived in Austin for about 10 years, and I would listen to him on the way to work, on the way home from work, and he would be going on about like Barack Obama smells like sulfur.

Hillary Clinton is actually a reptile. Yeah.
Like real hardcore shit. Yeah.
And now he's talking about like tax laws and stuff. Yeah.
He's like, he's water. He's brought himself closer to reality as it's going on.
You want him to go even more extreme. I want him to go.
So I've never seen Star Wars. But from what I understand, the big knock on the first prequel was, oh, now they're talking about like shipping restrictions as a big conflict as opposed to having Darth Vader want to blow up the world.
You know, and that's why everyone hated that one. I want Alex Jones to get back to the fact that like underneath the core of the earth, there's there's fucking aliens that are beaming microwaves up at you trying to like shrink.
That also doesn't hurt anyone. That doesn't hurt anyone.
You know, know when sandy hooks hurt people then it's like it's no longer a victimless crime at that point but like back in the day he was like doing yeah the reptilian shit and uh and that's when alex jones was at his finest the pure uncut stuff i got a i got a i gotta agree with you right there that it's actually safer the more extreme that he goes because it's hyperbolic It's silly it's comedy and no one's like oh wait I'm an alien why is he coming after me yeah the frogs are gay or whatever he said like we love that kind of stuff and it has to be like locked to a little bit of truth right you have to be able to convince us slightly yeah it's like what is one derivative from the world is flat the earth is hollow there you go yeah perfect i can't look yeah no one knows yeah and isn't it at the isn't in the middle isn't it like a lava yeah right so it's not solid you gotta be hollow to have a liquid right yeah right yeah yeah it's a gusher yeah yeah i just i want to get back to the crazy shit somebody needs to tell alex like go, go off the leash. What if Alex Jones fights the entire Uvalde Police Department?

Yeah, I mean. They wouldn't show up.

I mean, yeah.

Alex in one.

But if he did that, does he win over America again?

I think so.

I think people would root for Alex Jones on that.

Do they forgive him for what he said about the other school shooting?

Right.

Is that the only way that he can come back? Probably. If he takes out all these cops.
Wow. Legacy-defining fight.
There it is. Line them up.
Ultimate redemption story. Fuck.
I don't even know how to say it. I don't even know.
So do you talk to him routinely? Yeah, he'll message me. He'll leave voice notes.
They're really funny. Yeah.
Hey, love what you did. That's great.
Okay, I got to get back to this onion. I'm going to start ordering raw onions.
There's no other choice for me. It's a baller move.
Yeah, he's just undeniably entertaining, man. There's certain people.
And then there's a cool thing that happens where it's just, like, he says so many things that eventually things that he says come out as right. Yeah, something has to be right if you just cast such a wide net yeah and he does expose shit man it's it's wild yeah and that's where it gets dangerous too because if he when he's right it gives it's like give with them what else is he right about right right and then there's the fucked up things you know the sandy hook stuff which of course undeniable yeah does he have remorse for it i think so.
I mean, we talked to him about it a little bit when he came on when we were in Miami. But yeah, I think he realizes that that was like a defining thing.
Because that to me, like, and I have two kids and I just think about like if you were a parent. Yeah, this is unforgivable.
The biggest fucking tragedy you could ever imagine that have some guy be like, yeah, it was all fake. It's like, what the fuck? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
You can't be like, I don't think he can even be upset as a single person who's like, I can't even look at you. Right.
Right. Right.
100%. Yeah.
I think he ran into a lot of problems too, because it's one thing where if he was doing this on his radio show out of Austin, like 1994, then there's, like 50,000 people that might tune in and listen to it. And they understand Alex is insane in what he says and true.
But once his audience gets so big, then there are some people that are already mentally unhinged that will listen to you say that. And then they will just spend the rest of their lives harassing those families.
Correct. And then that's just unforgivable shit, where you're putting a family that's gone through hell through more and more hell yeah and then that that i think he actually just had to pay like tens of millions of dollars really yeah no they went after him hard and i think that there are going to be a couple more uh cases that are going to bring him you know he's he's not going to be a wealthy man anymore i think he's in the january 6th thing they're trying to come after him for that as well yeah now to a, to Alex's credit, he was up there with a microphone, and he was like, Don't go in.
He was like, all right, we're going to take your country back. Hand over fist.
Bring your pitchforks. No, no, don't go inside.
Stop going inside, please. Go have a pass.
I was saying the other week that in the January 6th thing, Alex Jones is either, in this microcosm, either a pussy or a fraud because he was saying the entire election was stolen. And if you actually believe that the government stole the election and essentially threw democracy out the window, then you should be going into the Capitol.
Run it up. You shouldn't be standing outside and be like, no, no, not that hard.
No, take it back even more. If you really think that Hillary Clinton's a lizard, go get it.
If you think they're all fucking kids, what are we waiting for? So it's either you can think they're having sex with children on an island and that they're all lizards, or you don't. Because if you really believe that to be true, You got to go do something about it.
You wouldn't wait for the election results.

Right.

Right.

Well, I still believe in democracy, even though they're lizards.

Right.

Yeah.

Right?

Like the Q Shaman.

He walks into the House of Representatives.

He's standing like behind the podium holding his little trident over his or whatever.

Yeah.

Like respect to that guy because he believed in it.

He went for it.

And he went in there.

Yeah.

But there are so many people that don't really believe, but they're stirring people up trying

to get them to be part of it.

That's why I respected that motherfucker that pulled up to the pizza shop in D. if you think that they're kids if you think that they're kids are locked in a basement that are getting fucked if you believe that go and they literally he went there and then they arrested him and he didn't shoot he put the gun down the cops came up he's no basement? Literally.
Yeah. They're like, why are we there? I thought it was a pedophile ring.
And they're like, all right. I mean, like, I think he's in jail.
You shouldn't be able to do these things. Like, call the cops.
Make them do something about it. But let's say you're calling the cops.
Like, we're not going to go check it out. We're not going to go check it out.
And you have children. You're going to have some compassion for those kids in the basement.
Yeah. Completely reasonable response.
And, like, when Alex went on his whole 9-11 kick, it was like, yeah, if you think that George Bush actually knocked down these towers himself, then you should be in Washington, D.C. Every day.
Throwing grenades at the White House. That's crazy.
That's fucked up. No, no, you should be.
Disavow. You should be if you actually believe it.
You better hope your dad didn't have kids with his daughter. Because everybody finding out about that tomorrow, boy.
But the fact that you're not doing it tells me you don't actually believe it. Right.
That's the thing. You're saying be about that life.
Yeah, be about that life. I'm with you.
That's why on some level I kind of fucked with the January 6th shit. It's like you believe this to be true, you have to do something about it because that is the fall of democracy.
Right. It's also the most entertaining thing.
Yeah. Like, it's way more entertaining.
Is it not? Yeah. It's all nothing.
Yeah. Remember Neil deGrasse Tyson? Yeah.
It's all nothing. None of this matters.
Yeah. Yeah.
None of it matters. Did you really think the president plots the course of America? You think the greatest country in the history of the world gets the course plotted every four years and then we just switch it up they're there so you have somebody to be angry at yeah right right they're the liar or someone who you like feel good about if the economy's good we love them yeah economy sucks they're the liar and then we just whip them out you're an asshole you fucked everything up then the new guy comes in that's why i don't understand why anybody want to be president no it's a stupid job the dumbest job loser would want to just be yelled at yeah it's a bad job it's people i don't trust anyone that wants to be president any public office literally the first requirement for being in public office should be you don't want to do it great it should be like you in acting it should be like yeah but we're like i don't want i do not don't make me run for senator i will never know that guy's gonna be senator because he really doesn't want to know it's it's the most narcissistic thing you could do is be like i want to have so much power i can decide laws yes for all these people i have no idea you should live better than you yeah you know what they used to do back in sparta they used to take everybody's name and they'd put it in a giant hat.
Everybody that was above the age of like 30. And then every couple of years they would draw a name out and that person would be the mayor or the governor of that city state.
Begrudgingly. And no one wanted to do it.
But what it did, which is, I mean, it's terrifying to think, like, look around you and realize the people that you know, they could be in charge of your everyday life everyday life but at the same time it also makes you want to educate every child that's growing up in your city state because you're like any one of these little fuckers could end up running the show it's yeah that's a great point yeah yeah you can't let someone fall behind because they could be in charge and you got to kick someone into that pit if they're a little crazy that's right like if at 29 he's a lunatic it's like sorry dude you're not getting you're not in the lottery this year that's why they all want to join the military they're like i'd rather die in battle than end up getting my name you have to run this shit yeah they had the right idea people complain about rent prices yeah fuck that uh all right so wait uh what nicks and then who else? Jets or Giants, whoever's worse.

What?

Yeah, it's just suffering at this point.

But Knicks, I mean, I grew up playing basketball, so like Knicks,

and then I'm a big boxing fan.

I mean, my dad used to like, my dad was in the news business a little bit,

so he would like cover fights and shit like that.

So I'm kind of like legacy boxing fan, and now MMA,

I'm just really kind of excited about.

Yeah, I mean, MMA is the best.

Yeah, it is.

UFC I don't know how they do it but like

Thank you. kind of like legacy boxing fan and now MMA, I'm just really kind of excited about.
Yeah, I mean, MMA is the best. It is.
UFC, I don't know how they do it, but I'm not like a diehard UFC guy, but I'm like a buy the big pay-per-view, and it feels like every other week's a big pay-per-view. It was like, you got to buy this one.
It's like, fuck, I got to buy this. And you buy every single one? Yeah, it's like, yeah, you're right.
I do have to buy it. And do you notice what the crowd looks like even for the prelims? Have you picked up on that? Yeah, yeah.
If you look at a boxing match, like, we're not watching until Mayweather's fighting. Right.
And nobody there is either. Right.
It's empty. It's totally empty.
It's like the family and then, like, whatever country the guy's from, like, the most diehard, yeah, like, people from that country, and that's it. But UFC, if you watch even the prelims, it's full.
It's true. It's full.
Everybody's locked in on the story. They've got these really engaging characters.
They fucking got it, man. They understand that if you have a series of fights where every single fight could end in a devastating knockout, like the most violent kick to the head, people will show up early and watch that stuff.
No one wants to show up to watch a 10-round boxing match between two guys that they've never heard of before. Yeah, it's much more conducive to the casual.
Yeah. Unless it gets maybe into the grappling stuff.
I think people are tired of that. Although, I actually find myself, I can't remember.
I think it was maybe two weeks ago, there was a pay-per-view I bought, and I was actually like, I kind of wish there was one of these fights was a grappling fight. It was a lot of stand-up.
Yeah. And I don't know.
Maybe this is fucked up to say, but I kind of like watching someone get choked out. There we go.
Like I kind of, it is, there's something that's like very exhilarating when a guy gets in a position and you're like, is he about to get choked out? And like that, like will he or won't he get choked out? I don't know. There's something about it.
I don't want every fight to be to be like that yeah but i have noticed that it feels like there's a lot more stand-up and like even habib who like wasn't the most exciting fighter yeah but when he got you on the ground it's like it's over dude yeah it's like watching like a snake suffocate like a rat yeah it's like you you know you're done yeah i something about it maybe that's our like um fight iq is going up yeah maybe in the beginning we just didn't really understand like the nuances of grappling or positioning and now we're like oh he's trying to set up yeah like oh he doesn't have the neck oh he does have the neck yeah credit to joe rogan like we were talking about listening to anybody that's passionate about something when you hear joe rogan talking about a fight as it's happening like he knows his shit and he loves it yeah and it makes you kind of understand when you hear you know the inflection voice get a little higher when somebody's got somebody's back. As a casual fan, I can't tell oh, the hook's in.
I don't know if the hook is in or not, but when Joe says it, I'm like, oh, fuck, the hook is in. And I get excited about it.
And I respect the hell out of anyone like Joe who has one sport they're very passionate about and does not give a fuck about anything. You could tell him who's the MVP for the NFL and he's like, I don't care.
I wish I had a life that was as simple as that. You love all sports? All sports, but it's exhausting.
Do you know why? Why? Oh yeah, because I gamble. Right.
So it's interesting, interesting, interesting. But I also love all sports.
I love college basketball. I love college football like but i wish that i could i always get a little jealous of people who are like this is my sport and i don't care about anything else now okay so for

you it's tied to the stakes and the exhilaration of game do you feel the same way a little bit but

for me it's just mostly like that's what i grew up doing was watching sports and that was like

my entire day yeah if i wasn't playing sports i was watching sports my dad like what

Thank you. A little bit, but for me, it's just mostly like that's what I grew up doing was watching sports.
And that was like my entire day. Yeah.
If I wasn't playing sports, I was watching sports with my dad. Like what? I think it was just my family, like my dad, my grandparents.
That's all we would do would be just watch sports together. It was like bonding time.
Yeah, it was bonding time. Exactly.
And you probably have some like great laughs and some great moments. You get to see, you know, your pops and your grandfather's people that you admire.
You get to see them being really excited about something.

You're fucking jumping and hugging. Yeah.
These early memories are tied to sports. Yeah.
I'm sure that gets baked into our brain somewhere. Yeah.
We're trying to recreate those emotions, right? That makes sense. And then you add gambling on top of it.
Yeah, because I love sports regardless of gambling, but it's way more fun when I have action on it. That's,'s dude the thing i'm almost like i i'm i'm i almost get like scared to gamble on the sports i really love because then it's like putting molly in the drink do you know what it's doing a little bit it's like i already love this yeah do i do i want to taint that you're like betting on your favorite teams that the worst.
Oh, if you bet on other teams, you can actually be more objective about it. Betting on you, it's hard to...
Yeah, you lose anyway, but yeah. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, you know, I'm always so smart when I bet on other teams. You can hedge against your future misery, too.
So I'm a Commanders fan, and if I'm watching a team that's going to kick the shit out of them,

sometimes I'll bet on the other team because then I'll be like,

okay,

it's not that big of a deal that we lost because I'm so smart.

I knew that was going to happen.

So I put my money on them.

See,

I can't do it.

I'm all in or all out.

Like I'll,

I'll,

I won't bet against the bears.

I'll be like,

I'll stupidly tell myself the bears are going to win,

even though I know they aren't.

And like bet on them. And then you'll put it down.
Cause because like I don't ever want my team to win and then be like mad

that I lost a bet because I just either like it's like push it all in double misery or double

happiness see to me if I lost that bet I look at that as cost of doing business it's like I paid

for that win yeah I can't you know like I'll trade that any day I can't do it will you guys bet on

TV shows.

What do you mean?

Like,

well, you put some money on like,

uh,

The Bachelor,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like,

like, like, like, like uh the bachelor like love on the spectrum they don't really have like they don't have those regulated because they're all taped so you could figure out what uh what's happening but if i if there was like a market for it yes yeah of course why not betting on love on the spectrum yeah i have not seen it it's the best commercials of it you haven't watched it i haven't watched it oh guys what is it they're dating autistics oh okay and where where's it where can you watch it it's on netflix it's on i think just netflix maybe but like i mean it's the most amazing show you've ever seen your entire life because autistic people don't know how to lie right so they just say exactly how they feel front. Like, I mean, he just asked his mom if she was done talking.
Like, she's like, are you done? And then, like, he's this fat Indian kid that looks like a Koopa trooper. You know the shit Mario would jump on? And, like, he's super autistic.
And they just try to – they really are throwing everything at him. They throw a Down syndrome at him.
Like, just anything that they got. This is a real show? Bro, it's the best show that you've ever watched in your life.
They got Australian accents and they're autistic and some of them have autistic accents which is from watching video games all the time. Holy fuck.
So you pick up the length. I didn't know this was a real show.
It sounds like I'm making it up. It sounds like you're completely making it up.
If there's a kid that sounds like Wario, I'm in. Say again? If there's a kid that sounds like Wario, I'm all in.
I don't know if they're going with those characters. I think it's more just like.
Wait, so they're like, let's put autistic kids and make money off of them being truthful and trying to find love, but the Ted Bundy joke's got to go? Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah.
What you described as a show is way more like, whoa, this is kind of fucked up. It seems way more it seems way more fucked up yeah but this is just what we do like you know how we just go more and more extreme yeah it's like oh that's actually kind of interesting like you can't really judge this fucked up uh you can't really judge uh uh elon's dad for like the stepdaughter thing if like that's the best porn that's true yeah that's what he's been looking at.
If that's the number one porn that's out right now, the stepdaughter, and he's out there like, I'm leaving it in. My question is like, was she stuck anywhere when he found her? Was she like trying to get clothes out of the dryer? Yeah, right.
Yeah, so you're saying like Brazzers is actually the one to blame. Listen, if you normalize it, Elon Sr.
is going to fucking go for it. Now we're going all the way to the other side of the spectrum.
We're like, got to get rid of gambling, got to get rid of porn, got to get rid of weed. Well, that's crazy.
Yeah, I know. Let's not go crazy.
I know, I know. But we're talking our way into it.
We got to stop. Catholics, run it back.
Every 2,000 years, boys, run it back. I do love do love that there's always, like, there's one politician who's like, porn is the problem for society.
And, like, he could, people could agree with him, like, 99%, and then they says that, and, like, no, fuck you. You're out.
What a cock. Yeah, you're out.
Look at that cock. Fuck that guy.
You're not taking my porn. Fuck that.
From my dry, sticky hands, you can have this. Yeah, like, they could make laws that, you know, make us do everything.
It's like, no, no, don't take our porn. No.
Do not do that. No, no, no.
We need the porn. There is one.
There's always, I think there's one maybe in Ohio. Yeah, I think it's J.D.
Vance. Yeah, who's like, we got to get rid of porn.
It's like, this guy fucking sucks. All of it? Yeah, he's like, porn is corrupting society.
Not all of it. Yeah.
He wants it all. They tried to do it in fucking Japan.
They started blurring the dicks. Yeah.
And I just assume the guy who wants all the porn gone, he just wants to keep it for himself. Oh, so he's boring.
He's like, give me your porn. I'll hold it safely.
And they'll just be jerking off all the time. Do you know what happened after they blurred the dicks? What happened? They started sicking fucking octopuses in them.
Yeah. So yeah, because there's no dicks.
That's not a dick, but you need something dick-like. Right.
So now it's even worse because they need it. But they did, I think, because they weren't procreating.
Like, they had to teach them how to date. Yeah.
Yeah. I guess too much porn.
No, fuck that. Don't take our porn.
No, no. I'm not saying take our porn, but, like, there's a limit.
Yeah, yeah. Like, for me, I have a limit.
Like, I can't click on the pregnancy shit. Yeah.
I don't like that.

Why not?

Ken Bone was a big fan of that.

Yeah.

You remember that guy, Ken Bone, with the red sweater from the debates back in 2016?

He just popped up in one of the debates.

He's a dude from Iowa.

Oh, guys, I thought you were talking about a porn star.

Oh, no.

That makes sense.

He probably could be.

The debates?

Yeah, his name was Ken Bone.

The master debates?

Yeah.

And then everyone found his Reddit history and was like he's just into pregnant ladies. Pregnant porn.
Yeah. Now, you've had sex with your pregnant wife, I said.
Yes. Fire? I mean, it's a thing.
Oh, you're not? I heard it's super wet. Like, it's...
No, I heard it's SeaWorld, dude. I really did hear that.
I swear to God. Who told you that? DJ Envy.
Oh, wait. He's the DJ Envy.
Charlamagne and DJ Envy and Angela Yee. Is he the one who's like every other day he has to get in front of the TV and be like, I cheated on my wife? Yes.
That's part of the agreement. Constantly.
I feel like every time I see him, he's like, yeah, so. And by the way, pregnant pussy's fire.

Yeah, he's dragging him around like, you cheated again?

Let's go on fucking Wendy Williams and tell everyone you cheated.

Yeah, 100%.

That guy, why wouldn't he stop cheating?

Like every time he's just getting fucking roasted.

That is a good point.

Yeah, he is getting killed and he is kind of getting, but at the same time, I don't know,

maybe he likes, he really likes pregnant pussy.

I mean, she's got like seven kids. She's got so many kids because he's into that wait was he cheating on her with a pregnant woman probably yeah probably no seriously i'm not joking like there's at least i think two or three times where i've seen him like sad dog face yeah sitting with his wife and and like he had to admit he didn't make an orgasm for 10 years what yeah fuck Yeah.
Fuck. This guy's like, he's addicted to getting abused on TV.

But listen, everybody has their kinks.

Yeah, I guess that's his kink.

I shouldn't kink shame.

You're right.

And that's okay.

But what I'm trying to say is, did you like it better?

I don't think there was like a definitive-

A noticeable difference?

No, there wasn't like a, wow, this is awesome.

Really?

No.

No.

Do you have any kids?

No kids.

No kids.

I'm just wondering. I know.
That's what he said. He's like, yo, pregnant pussy is the juiciest.
Yo, he said that. Maybe one, either her water was breaking at the time.
That's a possibility. I think so.
Or two, maybe that's part of his arrangement where his wife is like, you better tell them how good this pregnant pussy was. I think that could be it as well.
Like If he's already admitting to cheating, he's got to be like, yo, this is the best pussy ever. But maybe it is.
We don't know. I guess that's also like a- You got to run it back.
Have another kid. Yeah.
Got to have another kid. I already have two.
He's on- High tide. He's on radio every day, right? Every day.
I think that's also part of if you are doing radio every day, it's like, well, we got to talk about something. Let's talk about pregnant pussy.
Yeah. Maybe you should just take a week off.
He suggested it to me. I didn't even ask him about it or anything.
You got to try this? Yeah. He was like, no, pregnant pussy's the best or something like that.
And he's like, the more pregnant, the better. Oh, my God.
Dude, eight months, dude. Are you going to have kids ever? Yeah, soon, I think.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah. There you go.

We're going through some therapy right now to get ready. Okay.
Yeah. Your whole, like, I know it's cliche, but your whole worldview will change.
I hope. Yes.
For the better. Okay, so here's a theory that obviously I have with no proof, but I think part of, like, everybody being outraged about things is we're waiting too long to have kids.
Yeah, I agree. because there is, like, once you have kids,

the little things do not bother you as much yeah where it's like i don't have time yeah i don't have time for that i just want my kid to be like a good kid yeah no it's true though no but i but i guess i guess to that point is like how much time do you have to be part of these movements when you're not keeping a kid alive right exactly right and also there's like a you can be angry about something and then i go home and like my son's like let's watch paw patrol i'm like cool but i forgot what i was angry about yeah and that is the best like that is the best feeling so maybe the key to all this is we start having kids earlier so that we can focus. Now you're back to pedophilia.

We're going full circle.

Hold on.

I didn't say have sex with them.

I didn't say have sex with them.

Just get them pregnant.

But yeah, just get them pregnant.

Yeah.

Wait, you guys are saying that.

You guys are saying that, not me.

You might be right though because it is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I never even thought about it that way.

When did you lose your virginity?

I was like 17.

17?

You?

Yeah, I was 18.

18?

Oh, wow, you guys kept it legit.

So you guys haven't even slept with minors.

No, I've never.

Well, no, as a minor, yeah.

Well, it depends what state is.

What state is.

Right, it wasn't in Mississippi.

No, but on the other hand, it's kind of nice being selfish in your 20s. Okay.
Like getting to just do whatever the fuck you want for a while. That's something that I think it leads to a little bit more growth through your 20s.
Because I think sometimes when you have kids, it's like that's when a part of your life stops growing and a different part of your life starts growing after that. But you know what the craziest thing is when you have kids though like because i i'm 37 so i was 34 when my son was born my daughter was born when i was 36 i do wish that i had him younger because i now think like when he's 20 i'm gonna be you know 50 or whatever it's like that's gonna kind of suck like or 55 like i'm gonna be a little older because you guys you like i wish i was i wish my kids when they were in their 20s i was like just hitting 50 so i had like you know the energy and everything to like you want to like hoop with them yeah and like just be like yeah like i don't want to be like super old you know what i mean so i think that's a natural thing too but you have to have the kid to realize that yeah because all my 20s i was like i don't want fucking kids yeah and then like my caveman brain flipped and was like oh yeah i want one of these yeah yeah you should think about like your age when you're gonna be a dad at the wedding right and all that kind of fucks you up you're like oh shit yeah like oh yeah graduation all that yeah your parents old uh no they're regular age okay yeah i mean they were like in their 30s mid 30s so i guess that might be old yeah i don't know for for us yeah i think that's older because people are having kids yeah yeah so i guess yeah they were on the older side yeah mine were too and i think maybe that's why we waited a little longer yeah right kids i think if you have younger parents it just seems more normal that you would do it younger yeah and i'm always like jealous of like i see the people who are like oh yeah like that's my like a 20 year old like my grandmother's 60 it's like what that's kind of sick live, you know what I mean? Like I don't have any grandparents left.
That's when you'll feel old. Yeah.
When you're a grandparent and your grandkids are, let's see, your kids now are what? They're three in one. Three in one.
So you've got at least another. Well, under your fucking fucked up rules.
12 years or something. Yeah, I was going to say.
I'm just thinking like, my mom was 42 when she had me. Whoa.
And that's definitely, and back then that was like. Those are old eggs, B.
That was an old age. Did you have any issues growing up? No, I mean, I'm only 5'8", so that's a problem.
That probably had something to do with it. You think that was it? Yeah, I think that's about it.
Your dad's tall or no? No, my dad's 5'10", 5'11".

And your mom?

My mom's 5'2".

5'2".

So that's about it.

5'2".

So she was on the older side when she had me.

And then I definitely have what you were talking about.

Where I keep thinking like, oh, I've got...

Dude, your dad's an assassin.

To hit that at 42?

Yep, yep.

Credit to Papa D.

What is he? What's his background? He's a lawyer in Miami. No, he's Spanish.
Yes, dude. Is he Cuban? He's Swedish.
He's Swedish? He's about as far from Cuba as you can get. Fuck, dude.
That doesn't make any sense, man. But I definitely feel that where it's like, okay, I've still got a bunch of time.
42, yeah. Was there a position that they did? I don't know.
Wheelchair? wheelchair I don't know she had her walker with the tennis balls but yeah it's like I I will wait to have kids but then once I have kids I want those little fuckers to have grandkids ASAP right you know like you for me right for me exactly great being a grandparent is like the greatest thing ever because they don't they just get to to get all the benefits. So your parents.
They get to like, they get to hang out and then they get to go. Were you like, where was this with me? Yeah.
Like when you see them with your. What the fuck? No, but they get like, oh yeah, we'll read a couple books.
We'll read as many books as you want. Whereas like, I'm like, all right, we're reading two books tonight.
Like, that's it. I want to, I want to go fucking sit on the couch.
Is it the gift you give your parents for raising you yeah i think so and it also makes you realize like holy fuck like i i was an asshole you know what i mean and like that wasn't easy yeah yeah because you realize that you understand them yeah oh yeah you're like okay this makes a lot more sense like i hated you for no reason yep and i'm sure i'll go through the same thing where my kids will like be in their teenage years and they'll hate me yeah i'm like this sucks so so there's another thing it's like I hated you for no reason. Yep.
And I'm sure I'll go through the same thing where my kids will like be in their teenage years and they'll hate me. Yeah.
I'm like, this sucks. So there's another thing.
It's like you've waited. My parents waited.
I'm going to end up waiting. We all waited to understand what it was like for our parents to raise us.
If we were having kids in our 20s, at 23, we're looking at our parents like, yo, my bad. Like, how can I help? Right.
Like, oh, like i didn't realize that i was like this and then we have this like a much deeper bond probably yeah with our parents now we wait so long they were shipping our parents off to these different homes but that's that's also just life in general where you just you look back and you're like when i was 25 i fucking wish i knew everything that i know now you because why is it wasted? Yeah, right. But it really is the truth because you're like, I was a fucking asshole.
And none of this mattered. None of this mattered.
Yeah, that's the crazy thing. Getting good grades and all that shit.
Obviously, it matters a little bit because you want to learn, but stressing out about things that just are completely inconsequential, it sucks to look back at. Dude, how fast was, okay, zero to 10 felt like it took forever.
10 to 20, it was pretty long, but it was a little bit shorter. 20 to 30.
Yeah. Lightning.
Lightning. 30 to 40.
Yeah. How old are you? I'm 38.
Okay. So we're about the same age.
We're both 37. Yeah.
I was 29 two weeks ago. Yes, yes.

It's by far the fastest. Holy shit.

I've been telling myself, like, oh, you got time.

You're not 40 yet. And it's like, wait, no.

I'm going to be 38 in January. Fuck.

It's over. I actually feel like my 20s

took forever. And then my

30s so far, it's been like

two years of my 20s. See, my 20s

I feel like went so fast, but that was also

cocaine. So that's like, I mean,

but yeah, 30s, like,

Thank you. So far, it's been like two years of my 20s.
See, my 20s, I feel like, went so fast. But that was also cocaine.
So that's like, I mean, but yeah, 30s, like, blink of an eye as well. Do you still do coke? No, no.
Every now and then. It's fun or what? I've never done coke.
Oh, really? No. Yeah, but it's like scary now because of the fentanyl shit.
Yeah. So I don't fuck with, you know, like, it's fucked up now.
Yeah. Like, I don't understand how, like like a 25-year-old goes out and just like parties like that.
Dude, and they do it like crazy. Yeah.
Like when I was coming up, Coke was still kind of naughty. Right.
Like it was kind of bad to do Coke. Right.
Now they do it like weed. Right.
Right. It's true.
It's just as normal as like drinking. It's like, oh, we're going to go out.
I'll probably take a bump and then I'll do whatever. It is funny to think weed too like how just normal it is now because like that's another thing we need catholicism again yeah take our porn take our weed take our coke take our coke leave a little everything in moderation we can do a little bit of porn yeah you can do everything in moderation do a little bit of coke yeah a little bit of weed yeah drink our large sodas that's it yeah let us have it you're so right though about weed like back in the 90s people were getting shot like yeah the police were raiding people and shooting them weed because they had weed like there was there were like governments in mexico and jamaica shooting down planes because they had like 50 pounds of weed on them i even thinking about like even five years ago when it was like, ooh, I was in California.
Can I bring this weed back to New York? And now it's like, what are they going to say if they find it? Like, oh, okay, throw it out. Okay, or it's legal everywhere.
Well, once it's legal everywhere, okay, maybe not once it's legal. Once the government is making money on something, do you have to let the criminals out of jail? I think so.
Who were convicted because they were doing it. Now, granted, they did break the law.
There was a law. Regardless if it was right or wrong, they broke it.
Right. So I understand you're being punished for breaking the law.
But at the same time, if you're making money- Yes, absolutely. That's the most hypocritical thing you could- That's why.
I feel like they've served their punishment for it. Yeah.
And I think what the state of New York's doing, because they're starting to legalize everything from growing to selling eventually, they're given the licenses to open up the weed distribution to people that have convictions on their record in the past of distributing weed. They get first dibs on it, which I think is actually one of the only good things that New York City has done from a political standpoint in a while.
But this is a slippery slope because like under your world order, Ghislaine Maxwell is coming out of jail tomorrow. So she should be the first person to open up the kid fucking factor.
Yeah, because you're like, hey, let's just start fucking kids again. That's what you said, right? I think that was it, right? I think that's in my new special.
The streaming service is like Andrew. We should cut that.
This one is a little too far. I'm like, I'm fighting for this one.
No, I'm standing up and telling people they can fuck you. There are certain voices that need to be heard.
Okay? I'm the truth teller of society. Exactly.
It's what you said. What happened to Ghislaine? She got convicted.
She got lost, right? Everyone's just been waiting for her to die. And she hasn't.
I think she got like 20 years. So she didn't snitch.
she did not snitch on anybody no wow but she's but she has that trump card in her back pocket i think that she could play at any moment for what so she could i don't know if she wanted to turn some powerful people in she'll never do it nothing's going to change she's just she's got her burn book that she knows in her head she knows i mean if you look at the case and all the files that they had at uh at epstein's house inside of his safe he had a giant safe that was filled with like spreadsheets the dude was meticulous about his pedophilia like he kept a detailed log of his guests he had videotapes of his guests because he was probably working for the cia yeah and getting blackmail on people and he had uh he had just uh terabytes and terabytes of data about who has been to his island, who has slept with who, all that stuff. It was in a safe.
I think it was the FBI raided his apartment. They saw the safe.
They couldn't get the safe open. After they took all the other stuff from his apartment, they left his apartment, and then Epstein's lawyer went back to the apartment.
Got everything. Got everything out of the safe, removed it, and then the FBI went back to the apartment.
They're like, oh, shit, the safe's empty now. I mean, to me, it's so unbelievable that they could be at a crime scene.
There's a safe that they can't open. They just leave.
Let some lawyer walk in. Yeah.
We'll be back Wednesday. He walks out with a backpack and then everything's fine.
Like that has to be. That's.
Yeah. I actually inside.

I'm fully.

I have Alex Jones myself on the whole Epstein situation. Because I know if you connect all the dots, the dude was working for the CIA.

Right.

He was brought up.

If you look at his background, he came from nothing.

He got a job on Wall Street.

He got a job at one of the best schools in New York City teaching from the father of Bill Barr, who was the Attorney General of the United States. And then he- Who was the current director of the CIA.
Yes. Or at that time.
And he cultivated all these different networks of people that had information about what the big financial sectors were going to do. So that's how he was making his money on Wall Street.
He befriended the most powerful people in the world, got them in a honeypot operation where he would fly them to his island they would compromise themselves and guess what now you're informing to me and i've got all the dirt on you and he was working for the cia as well on their payroll and then he gets arrested and he gets a sweetheart deal for like i don't know 100 200 counts of pedophilia this is down in palm beach yeah and they just let him off for you look at the dude's Rolodex, and some of the flight logs have been made public, I'm fully awoken on the Epstein situation. Oh, yeah.
He had sex with kids, bro. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Multiple.
And he introduced other people to his kids. Very powerful people.
A hundred percent. He was running a vast network.
I wonder if he's been replaced by the internet.

Like, you needed to honeypot these people so you can get incriminating things on them. Oh, you think they're spying on all of our internet?

Now they got your phone.

Yeah.

Now they know what porn you're doing.

Now they know where you are.

Like, I wonder if he just became, or his method of spying is just antiquated.

Yeah.

So they just had to get him out of there.

Yeah.

Keep the old guard.

I really wonder.

Yeah, no, you're not wrong. Because the idea is, like, we can't put you in a position of power we and again i don't know who the fuck we is but like it's dangerous to put someone in a position of power if uh you don't have some leverage over them right and that was the thing that was probably terrified them about trump they're like hold on how the fuck is he here right he we don't have any leverage right what the fuck like what do you mean he'll just say anything? Okay, drop the thing about the pussy.
It's like all these things happen and there was no way to really rein him in. So they literally just like, all right, don't let him talk.
They take away Twitter. They literally just had to be like, when he's talking, he's too effective.
Yank away the Twitter. Who's they? I actually think the deal with Trump was he had so many things that people were trying to attack him for that you couldn't possibly focus in on one thing on him.
So it was harder to damage him because he's so good at playing defense against everything. He'll punch back on everyone.
So it's like you got some guy talking about the Access Hollywood tape. You got another guy talking about when he put dead rats in an apartment to try to kick all the bums out.
So there's so many things, and it's all scattered, that none of it's even going deep enough to do any real damage. Yeah, yeah.
Fuck. Yeah.
I think we covered everything. Pretty much.
Yeah, all right. So I got one last question.
It's a Roback question. Yeah.
RHOBACK.com. Use code TAKE for 20% off your first purchase.
Q-Zips, hoodies, polos. We'll get you some.
What do you think about Jalen Brunson? We'll just go from that. Jalen Brunson, yes or no? Yes.
Yes? Sure. That was such a sad.
Everyone was like, dude, Jalen Brunson is good. I want him to be good.
I want him to be great. But he's not there.
The Knicks are like, we need him. Would they give him 100? I don't even know.
They spent like three weeks just trying to get Jalen Brunson. Only the Knicks would be in like a very public, like everyone's like, dude, he's a good player, but you're way overpaying for him.
And they still were like, nope, we need him. Yeah.
And then like that's, I feel like the Knicks just are the kings of getting the good, not great players. Yes.
And being like, maybe it works. And then us over-inflating them.
I kind of actually like – now that I'm saying it, I kind of like James Dolan's process. His strategy? Yeah, because I – as a gambling brain, I think the same thing where it's like, maybe this is – maybe it's just like everyone just plays their best for an entire season.
He's trying to moneyball it, but just clue like if people are good or not right and he's also playing like let's sign people and just hope for the absolute best case scenario all the time yeah and i like that that is a gambling brain of like this is the one that's gonna work yeah yeah yeah so i think i'm i think i'm a james dolan fan i mean it's so you've converted me thank you to pedophile and james Dolan's fan. I mean, oh, Jesus Christ.
It's so funny. You've converted me, thank you, to a pedophile and James Dolan fan.

No, yeah, yeah.

He's sensitive.

Dolan's sensitive.

Oh, he's, he, we got, we put up a T-shirt once about him, like, fire Dolan.

Season to assist.

And he was like, he got, he basically, like, personally was like, take it down through,

like, back channels.

Like, instantly.

He was like, how the fuck do you know?

It's like, how did you even see it?

Because they got people in the system and everybody's loyal to him.

You know what I mean?

The fish rods from the head down, right?

So everybody's trying to impress him.

He even had spies in the organization, not spies, but people that were loyal to him when Phil was there.

That's why Phil was like, I'm out.

I can't even do anything.

Right.

Right?

I forget the guy's name.

Who the fuck is he?

That's why it's crazy to me. Oh, yeah what was his name donnie something no i'll i'll google it afterwards but there was a guy there who was just there to do to basically report back right now he's loyal as fuck like he got your back no matter what right i think isaiah thomas is still working yes i think so like didn't he sexually assault a chick and then he made him work for the wnba part yeah yeah and he was like the worst gm of all time and all that stuff yeah i guess that's like if you're just that loyal yeah then people are going to be drawn to you because they're like but i want to be loyal to us yeah like let's have a winning i mean new york is a basketball city i don't think people realize it is it is pure basketball we up playing basketball.
None of us grew up playing hockey. None of us grew up playing football.
I grew up in Manhattan. There was no football field for me to play at.
I played my basketball games from my high school at Basketball City because we didn't even have a basketball gym. So it's like this is all we care about.
It's all we know. And if the Knicks actually won a championship, oh, my, like whoever's on that team, you're knighted.

Yeah, I mean,

the Knicks beat the Celtics

in the first game of the season

and it was like a fucking parade.

Exactly.

I mean,

he's so sensitive, bro.

He won't even let me sit courtside, man.

Really?

Yeah, dude.

It's like...

You're banned?

I'm not banned,

but like I did these shows.

But if you bought a ticket...

I'm a season ticket holder.

Okay, so...

I have fucking tickets. Like, you don't got to give me tickets.
Right. I'll go.
I don't want to call you for fucking tickets or do that whole fucking rigmarole. I'd go.
But I was doing these shows at Radio City, right? I had two shows at Radio City, sold out. They own Radio City, Madison Square Garden, and everybody's on.
And usually what they do is if you have a show, they go, they put you down there, you sit next to a guy on The Sopranos for two episodes and then you say hi, wave at the camera. And I was going to try to do some funny shit with that moment.
And so I hit them up about it. Listen, this is not like half full.
We sold out two Radio City shows in one night. It's 12,000 people.
That's the garden if we wanted, right? Right. So it's like, and then I get the fucking, and then they tell me, ah, you know, we heard you said some things about Dolan.
They're not going to do it. I couldn't believe it.
Wow. I'm like, I'm trying to promote the shows at your venue.
Right. I'm making you money.
I pay you to come to the games already. Right.
It's just insane. He must have a full-time guy that works for him whose job is to just, like, scour the internet for any mention of James Dolan.
That is it. Jake, you should write an article about this interview about James Dolan knowing that he'll see it.
He'll absolutely read it, 100%. And the only reason, and I've gone pretty wild on a few podcasts, but like...
You've said some fucked up shit. I've said some wild shit.
That's the part that we're not hearing here where Andrew's like, they won't let me sit courtside. It's like, let's go find the tape.
He was on the island. I know it for a fact.
I want to do the garden. That's the goal, right? So for the next tour, the goal is the guard it.
So James are the man. Yeah.

Jake, that's the article.

You know what I mean? I got to do it.

Andrew Schultz's dreams.

James Dolan says best owner in sports.

Jalen Brunson, home run signing.

Yeah.

We'll get it for you.

Home run signing.

Yeah.

Who's your big three?

Jalen Brunson, Julius Randle, and who would you do?

Nah, Julius.

I mean, Julius has got to go, unfortunately. That was.
It's not his fault, but like. Well, that was first year tips.
So, like, as a Bulls fan, I knew it. Like, last year the Knicks were great.
And everyone was like, this is awesome. I was like, you guys just wait.
He is so good at getting the most out of everyone in the middle of February. And then when they get to the playoffs and everyone, the way I always said it is like LeBron plays in fucking third gear all year.

And then when he gets to the playoffs, he goes up to fifth and sixth.

When the Knicks, Tibbs will get you to fifth and sixth gear all year.

And then when you get to the playoffs, it's like, wait, there's no more gear?

Yeah.

Like we're here?

You're 100% right.

And you see it with the guys, right?

Like a guy like Julius Randle just can't shoot in the playoffs.

And it's like because the D gets better in the playoffs. Yeah, and they're actually're actually like keying on you yeah and it's in a series and they're making adjustments nobody's playing D especially on a big like that who is a goofy like weird like tucked in left-handed jumper like I'm not I'm not stepping out to the three-point line right during the regulars yeah 44 take it please playoffs I'm on during the playoffs, assholes get tight, right? Yeah.
Like, you get a little nervous. You're putting up shots.
Things get a little scary. Yeah.
And you saw it happen. And it's really interesting to see, like, there are people that you don't know are incredibly, like, naturally alpha.
I'm not trying to use that as, like, a manosphere term. I'm, like, literally, literally like they just in them are an alpha.
Right.

Like,

uh,

there's a guy on the Raptors,

you know,

Fred Van.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Fred is an alpha.

Oh yeah.

Like ice cold.

Absolutely.

Does not fucking care.

Plays the same,

the regular season,

same in the playoffs is not scared of the moment.

And then there are people that are scared of the moment.

So to go,

go full circle.

Yes.

Jalen Brunson actually might be one of those guys.

He has a little of that alpha.

Cause like at Villanova,

I'll see you next time. scared of the moment so to go go full circle yes jalen brunson actually might be one of those guys he has a little that alpha because like at villanova like you can see it like and he oh he went to villanova that's right yeah yeah he was great at villanova and like when luka was down in that series yeah he picked it up like he does have that quiet alpha like i know what i can do and i'm gonna do it yeah that extreme like that what what do they say nba confidence yeah the term like yeah and you need to have that but let's see what happens i mean like yeah new yorkers we also care if you're good at fighting so like that you know what i mean like if you're a fighter like then we also like like chris chiles can walk any street in new york and he it doesn't matter right it doesn't matter if you hit a three-point shot.
If you're ready to elbow someone in the bank. Charles Oakley.
Can you fight? Yeah. Exactly.
Charles Oakley. We just love you.
If you can fight or if you play hard deep, we're the weirdest sports team. Yeah.
We really are. Like, we don't deserve Iverson crossing people over.
Right. We need someone to come in the lane, and then you sit them on their ass, and then stare at them while we lose by 12.

That would be great if the Knicks just brought back post-offense.

Just running it, slowing it down like big man.

Well, that's what Phil tried to do, remember?

Yeah, yeah.

And it just was like, what the fuck? Dude, the game has changed, Phil.

Everyone shoots threes now.

Yeah.

He's like, no, it's the triangle.

Trust me.

Oh, man.

So no hope this year.

Everyone go buy the special. Please.
AndrewSchultz.com. We appreciate that.
Sorry for running long. Infamous out now.
Yes. Yes.
Go buy it. You only can buy it for another week.
So like I said, we're going to run this Monday. So this will be the last week.
This is the last week to go get it. Go get it.
Run it the fuck up. Hear all the jokes that almost got cut.
Yeah. Let's just teach these streamers that people like funny jokes and it doesn't matter if they're messed up and that this is what they're going to have to deal with.
Because if this is successful, they can't give comics notes anymore. That's the way I look at it.
That's true. If this works and it's an option, comics will do this just like they started to do YouTube.
And now the streamers have to remove the note process because you can't give them anything. Yeah, because you can't compete.
Yeah, yeah. Listen, you know this.
You have kids. You're going to spend more money taking them kids to fucking Disney World one weekend.
I'm not going to Disney World. Oh, really? Six laps? I never went as a kid, so I'm not going.
Where will you take them? Wherever. Not Disney World.
Okay. No way.
You're not into that? No. I know my kids would love it, but I'm not going to do it.
I'm going to rob them of that. Oh, that's good of you.
Yeah, yeah. They can have everything else, but you've got to keep something away from them.
That's true. Yeah, yeah.
So they can develop character. Yeah, well, I buy them like Amazon now.
My son will be like, I want to watch this show. And I'll be like, all right, I'll just buy some of these toys.
And I realize how fucked up it is that he watches a show, and the next day the toy's there. So Disney World's out.
You're smart? That's grit. That's grit? and you're a tough dad.
My kids had everything. They didn't go to Disney World.
They did it. I don't know.
That's why I think Disney ends up winning the streaming thing, though. It's like you spend more money on that weekend than like- No, it's true.
Think about it. If I had to erase every streaming app right now with kids, Disney would be the last one.
It would be the last one to go. If you do go to Disney World, you're going to spend more money in that weekend than you'll spend on every streaming platform that you do for your whole life.
True. So Netflix needs to create an amusement park.
That's what you're saying. They do the Stranger Things pop-up or whatever like that.
But you need something else if you're going to compete with the big boys. Yeah, that's true.
That's a good point. All right, Andrew Schultz, thank you so much.
We appreciate it. Everyone go buy it, theandrewschultz.com.
Please, please. Thank you.
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Go to upstart.com slash PMT. Okay, let's wrap up.
We've got the Mount Rushmore of worst gifts to receive.

Hank, I think slash pmt okay let's wrap up we got the mount rushmore of worst gifts to receive hank i think your team won the last one so you want to you want to decide the order again sure uh we did win the last one two in a row oh congratulations hank that's awesome thank you uh let me just double check our list. Make sure to see if we have a 1-1.
Okay. Yeah, all right.
We'll go 1. And then we'll let Jake and Billy go 2nd.
And you guys can go 3rd. Okay, great.
I'm excited. I'm excited for this.
I'm excited for a contentious Mount Rushmore. Also, reminder, Takey's Wednesday.
Not to hype it up, but I'm hyping it up. It's the best Takey's yet.
All right. The 1-1, we are going to go with a pet.
Any specific pet? Any specific pet? Because a dog wouldn't be so bad. No, a dog wouldn't be bad.
Any animal that you have to take care of, it's not something that, let's say you don't like the gift, you can pretend to like it and then kind of just forget about it. If you get an animal, you have to take care of that animal.
It doesn't matter if it's a snake, it doesn't matter if it's a dog, it doesn't matter if it's a cat, it could be a cow, it could be a chicken. So should we put on the list, so a pet and then in parentheses, i.e.
a dog? No, I think any animal. That's a sociopath.
You could put i.e. a cat.
You could put i.e. a cat.
That works. Yeah, but you specifically said dog, which I thought was interesting.
Dog, yeah. Did I specifically say dog? Well, you were asked about dog and you said, yeah, dog.
A dog would be a bad gift. Yeah.
I believe dog and i said yes any animal could be a dog could be a cat could be a snake yes the first one you said was dog um i agree actually like i had i had bird on my list i think a bird would be a bad gift or a cat that would be a bad cat a dog on our list yeah i would be me personally i would be pumped to get a dog billy wanted to give me a dog the day after leroy died and it was probably going to be too soon but i still probably would have been like oh sweet it's a cute puppy yeah you usually learn to love the animal animal gifts and then you're like oh i can't believe you know yeah that's your sociopath right which hank Hank is. Okay.
I love dogs.

I just don't like.

Do you have the ability to love Hank?

Yes, Billy.

Okay.

Billy and Jake, go ahead.

Your pick.

Billy, you can start off.

Self-help books.

Because not only are they a book that you're not going to read, it's a backhanded insult.

Yeah, but eventually you learn to love to help yourself, you know, once you actually read them. Hank, remember when I got you the positive thinking book? No, you got me a link to an Amazon website.
But did you hate it? You didn't send me it. You didn't give me anything.
I was just like the link in itself. Yeah.
I opened up the page and then it was like here buy it and i was like i'm not gonna buy it but thanks billy

that's beautiful that's beautiful all right so self-help book um yeah pft i think i do i think

i do because there's more into it so i'll pick that and then you you do this other one all right

so our first two picks are uh number one uh a gym membership because the double double uh like

I'm not sure. to this other one all right so our first two picks are uh number one uh a gym membership because the double double uh like whammy of basically saying that you're fat and you need to get in shape and then like the gift is you just have to go punish yourself at the gym um a gym membership fucking sucks to give someone and to receive it's giving you a chore that you have to do correct that's that's that's a pain in the ass like don't get me wrong i i like to hit the gym on my schedule i don't want to feel like i'm beholden to anybody else on how much i use my gym membership and then i certainly don't want to chances are if somebody's giving you a gym membership they're also a member of that gym and so then you're going to have to like see them in the gym and make small talk about the present.
And then if you don't get strong and don't get in good shape, then it's like a slap in their face. It's like, oh, I guess you're not using my present.
I got you. Yeah, it's an insult gift that then has like just a lifespan of just torture behind it.
That's our first pick. Hank, what do you think? Any comments from anyone? I mean,

if you go to the gym, it's not a bad one.

But if you go to the gym, you probably

aren't getting a gym membership.

When you get a gym membership,

that means you're probably out of shape and you're

being told you're out of shape by the person

who's giving you the gym membership.

That's actually even a worse

present. So if somebody got me

a gym membership, I already

have a gym membership. I would be like, I'm a real

piece of shit because this person doesn't even

Thank you. That's actually even a worse present.
So if somebody got me a gym membership, I already have a gym membership. I would be like, I'm a real piece of shit because this person doesn't even think I go to the gym.
Yeah. There's no way to give someone a gym membership and have it be like, oh, that was a great exchange of gifts.
Our second pick, we're going to go homemade clothes. It could be a mitten.
It could be a homemade sweater, probably the worst of the bunch, in my opinion. Because it's always going to be itchy.
Billy, you cannot make me in the eye with a straight face. There is love.
There is love. So you hate your mom and your grandma's birthday.
Have you ever gotten a needlepoint gift? My mom has never given me a sweater. My mom would never do that.
My mom is a much better gift than that. There's no way in any world where giving someone a homemade clothing is better than giving them real clothing that's made that's like actually nice.
Have you ever gotten a needlepointed belt with your name on it that they take i certainly have not months and years to put together that that is something you've never received real love that's something you're gonna look back and be like i can't believe i wore that i can guarantee you i can guarantee okay i mean i can i can guarantee you right now that i will never receive a needle-pointed belt as a present.

With my name on it.

Like you're going to sleepaway camp and they got to put your name on your underwear.

So then in case you lose it, they know it's Billy's belt.

Why would you want a needle-pointed belt?

You're like walking around.

You're like, yeah, see this thing that's designed to keep myself from exposing myself?

It's got my name on it.

So in case I forget who I am,

you see that look,

yeah, that's me,

Billy seat on my belt.

There's a lot of love in needle in homemade clothes.

I mean,

those are actually,

you,

you're actually proving the point because the worst type of gifts are the

ones that like,

it's the thought that counts.

No,

I'd rather just,

you give me cash. That's the best gift you can ever give someone no one has ever been like damn i didn't want that cash that's a fact that's a fucking fact all right your guys next pick all right i'm gonna we are going to go with uh a card with no gift in.
So sometimes just get a card and you expect – you see an envelope.

It's, oh, some cash or a gift card.

It's just the card. You do the thing where you open it up very carefully

because a check might fall out the bottom and then there's nothing in there.

That's a great pick.

That's a great pick.

Yeah.

Billy found it for what it's worth.

Oh, geez.

Sounds like just Trouble in Paradise over there.

Yeah.

Billy, what's the deal?

Did he... That's a great pick.
Yeah. Damn.
Billy found it for what it's worth. Oh, geez.
Sounds like it's trouble in paradise over there. Yeah.
Billy, what's the deal? He thumbed that down? That's a great pick, Jake. Because, like, you're right.
When you open up a card, you're like, okay. I think it's the best pick so far.
Yeah, a gift certificate, some cash. Like, the only thing.
Like, even a check. I didn't get what he was saying.
I thought he just meant a card without a gift, like a separate gift. I didn't know he meant like not money in it.
So that was like the text type bad communication. Card with no gift in it is what I wrote down.
I know, but I didn't realize what you meant by gift. This team's falling apart.
No, we're doing great. We have some great picks on the board.
We have some great picks on the board. Okay.

All right.

Hank, you got more to come.

Oh, wow.

I'm excited.

Can't wait.

Bart Scott.

Billy, what state are you in?

Denial.

Pathological.

This is where I'm in like – I'm in flush more of appetizers mode. Oh, no.
There's a lot of picks out there, Hank. We'll go with an undersized article of clothing.
Ooh. Okay.
Okay. Yeah, because it's homemade and they didn't know your body dimensions.
No, but more so like if you you know, it's much harder to return because let's say that person has a receipt and then you have to be like if it's a family member, you have to be like, hey, do you have this receipt? Because I'm going to go return it because you don't even know my size and then it's like super awkward. So you usually just take it and then never wear it and then it's just a bad bad gift.
Yeah. I think that's a very good pick.
I, for about like 10 years, I had some close family members that would, uh, they would always buy me like a quarter zip or pullover or button up shirt. And every single time they would get me a large and every single time I would be like, I'm a medium.
And they just refuse to accept the fact that I was small. They, they, it was like them burying their head in the sand and be like, no, no, no son of mine is a beta who wears a medium.
It's a large, you'll grow. Trust me, just give it some time.
And I had to tell them every time it's like, nope, nope, still not there yet. So now I've got I had a closet that was just filled with really nice shirts that were slightly too big for me because my family couldn't accept the fact that i was five foot eight that's brutal brutal that's tough that's tough i definitely have gone the uh yeah people getting like an excel it's like hey you haven't heard i'm i'm a 2x now things have changed your boy's doing well that used to be that used to be the sign of wealth back in the day.
Okay, Hank. Team Hank, next one.
Ooh. They're struggling.
I just don't know what to say. I feel like we'll go with Papadias.
Whoa! That's fucked up! It's like, hypothetically, it's your birthday. You and your girlfriend just broke up you know you need some support from the boys everyone forgets it's your birthday and then they order papadillas and make you eat them even though you hate them now had you told us that would be a that would be a bad gift well hypothetically the boys supported the ever-living fuck out of you um for an entire summer and hypothetically they also were playing the papadias commercial non-stop in our face and hypothetically the person you're hypothetically talking about might be a double xl as previously stated and papadias was the only way to fill uh the void inside of his cavernous belly hypothetically yeah yeah sure i mean they weren't bad where did this come from i thought i thought as a group we all agree that there were some of them that were like above average yes yes they were so so so bad i mean did we ever get them again did we ever bring them up again would you ever even want to get them again but hey what you fail to understand is that if you if you advertise something during sports enough and you put it in front of our eyes on TV, we are going to have to buy it at some point to try it out.
Literally any other night. Fine.
No, I'm not. It was just like, I don't know.
Thank you, Jake. Very cool.
The guy who has lettuce on his steak and cheese and diarrhea for a week. That's where you're going to take this from.
He looked at Papa Diaz and was like, oh, no, I should check myself in the hospital. You guys, I won't forget it.
This kid who was like an intern at the time. I didn't even know his name at the time.
We were in the gambling cave like four hours later after we were eating the Papa Diaz. And he comes in was like have birthday hank and that you and you guys were like silent for like five seconds you were like oh so that means the papadillas weren't even a birthday yeah then you were like sorry about this yeah yeah hank you remember when i when i brought in two pieces of cake for myself on your birthday and you were like oh you got cake and i was like And I was like, yeah, I do.
It's for me. And totally forgot it was your birthday.
And then I had to go get you cake the next day. Yeah, it's a fun recurring theme.
Yeah. Well, listen, the Papadillas weren't that bad.
And the fact that Jake slammed Papadillas makes me actually like them more because Jake went into a TGI Fridays and called the police being like, there's water on the tables in here. Jake's taste in food while it's healthy, much healthier than ours, is also quite elitist at times.
Yes, you're on the wrong side of history here. If Jake's on your side when it comes to food, you're on the wrong side of history.
No, I treat myself on the weekends. What do you treat yourself?

What's a treat?

He gets lettuce and a steak and cheese.

I had Colony Grill last night on the drive home.

Not even hot oil.

Yeah.

Jake orders a Coke diesel.

Full sugar.

Yeah.

Pours half of it out, but he still ordered it.

Okay.

Team Billy and Jake, this is when you're coming back with the thing that we're waiting for. So let's do it.
Should I say the one you want me to say? Nope. Indian giving.
A gift like it's taken away. What? Jesus Christ.
Indian giving. That's what you can say you waited for? No, because it's like a gift that's given and then taken back.
I don't think people say that anymore. They don't like – That's like a Marlins man.
A Marlins man says that. It's called commander's giving.
Yeah. I'm looking on the wiktionary for it.
Informal derogatory

offensive.

To the person giving

the gift.

It's offensive to the person giving the gift.

Right.

Exactly.

But it's talking about how land

was given and then taken away

from Native Americans.

It's not offensive to Native Americans.

Why wouldn't it be called American giving? Yeah. Yeah.
I don't think that's what I'm doing. Okay.
The history behind the phrase don't – can we just bleep out every time I say that if it is offensive? No. We needed the graphic.
No. Yeah.
No, no, no. That's your pick.
I said, do you think that will play on the graphic? And he said, if they put Indian giving. One of the most.
Okay. Wait, wait.
This is the shot you called, by the way. This is Babe Ruth calling his shot and then like a little dribbler to third base.
Oh, wait. Oh, fuck.
Wait, I thought it was. Yeah.
All right. Here we go.
Where did the concept of Indian giving really come from? The answer to that is what white settlers thought was rudeness and a lack of generosity. The concept of an Indian gift or Indian giver traces roots back to at least the 1700s.
Thomas Hutchison defined an Indian gift as a present for which an equivalent return is expected. So this is...
To an Indian, the giving of gifts was an extension of the system of trade and a gift was expected to be reciprocated with something of equal value europeans upon encountering this practice misunderstood it and considered it uncouth and impolite so yes it's an insult i'm pretty sure they used this like as a joke michael scott shouldn't have used in like the first season of the office when he said the n-word that's how long it's been like hey you don't say that I thought it meant like like the Europeans gave the Indians like reservations that took them away no all right so just make sure the graphic says Billy's pick in parentheses next to this one. So we just know it's Billy who picked this.
Is this really that bad? Okay, so our next pick. All right, PFT, what do we want to do? That's not a gift, but whatever.
All Billy had to do was not use a racial slur in his Mount Rushmore. Yeah, he almost didn't.
He almost didn't. All right, PFT, what are we thinking? You want to go with yours and I'll go with mine? Yeah, okay, wait.
So what was – Oh, shit. Dude, 300 years ago, Billy, that play is like – don't worry about it.
You're only a couple – a little bit – I misunderstood. I thought it had to do with the cruelness of – So I'm going to do that one here.
Did I just emphasize? Yep, I like that one as our last pick. But what should we do for our third pick? Should we go more straight down the line? You can either do the weird one.
I just did that one. Alright, giving someone a tie.
Everyone's giving their father a tie. Just a terrible gift to give and receive.
It's basically like, hey, you're trapped in a fucking, in a job you hate. Here's a, here's a, like a semi-expensive thing you can wear to change it up from Monday to Tuesday.
So you know what the difference between the two days are. Because every other day melts together.
A tie is a terrible gift. And if somebody gives me a tie, they're pretty much saying here's something you can wear to court.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's just, it's, it's, it's another one of those insult gifts where it's like, Hey, we can't think of any, anything you like outside of the fact that you just have to go to work five days a week. So here it is.
Here's a yeah i would like to hear from jake because i'm assuming he's going to be like actually it's a great gift i mean i think it depends on the profession like if you're someone like me who you wear a soul yeah it was a podcaster uh it depends like if you're a public figure in like politics where you wear ties 24 7 then it probably means more but if you're a podcaster when you never have to wear one it's like what am I going to do with this I think it depends on the person I think the the hit rate for giving a tie and having the person be happy they received a tie is like less than one percent lost big hat that's a that's a really good pick though I thought it earlier and I forgot to write it in the group text and then I forgot it. So when you said it, I was very mad at myself.
That's a good pick. It's a double whammy of being a very boring gift and also just being like, you're a very hard person to shop for because nobody knows anything about you.
It's like a direct, it's a challenge to your entire lifestyle if somebody gives you a tie.

Okay, yeah.

Giving a tie.

What I was saying, I got cut out for one second, is I think that receiving a tie as a gift is a less than 1% chance the person appreciates it. That's how low of a hit rate it is.
our last pick is a giant decorative horse filled with Greek soldiers waiting to ransack your city. That's a pretty bad gift.
Pretty bad gift. It's also insulting to be like, hey, you're so dumb that you're going to think that this is a peace offering, thinking that you kicked our ass in war and next thing you know, Troy will fall.
Great gift's offensive to trojans pft oh yeah you're offensive to trojans because your dad oh no that's offensive to all the trojans who are slaughtered by the Greeks. Oh, you're actually going to come back from that?

You're going to keep going with yours after PFD did that to you?

Yeah.

Yeah, shout out to all our listeners from Troy.

No offense in my last pick.

But, I mean, even you have to understand.

Also, like, I'll wait for my honorable mention, but it's kind of related to that.

All right, go ahead, Team Jilly. Let's see what other nationality or ethnicity they can offend with their last pick.
I will be writing a blog on why you shouldn't use that term. And it will be long and informative, and we'll set the record straight.
Okay. Go ahead, your last pick.
Our last pick is going to be an intervention okay yeah yeah yeah no i mean i kind of see where jake's going with this because at the end of the intervention their gift is like they give you the trip to whatever uh whatever like inpatient uh therapy place that you have to go to like a clinic that that you get to spend time in that will be paid for you. But it is – on the other hand, Jake, it's actually the greatest gift of love of all.
It's true. You're saving your life.
Yeah. I'm on the trade block.
Oh, you're putting yourself on the trade block now. I was thinking like the last time we gave an intervention, the person was like, good, I actually now have way more time to blog all the things I wanted to blog.
So it could go either way. Yeah.
Well said. Well said.
Okay. Last mean, you guys, you guys are running away with this.

Uh, we will go with a book.

Good one.

Yeah.

Good pick.

Had it on my list.

Like a self-help book.

No, just any book, like any book that's like, Oh, I read this.

I think you might like it.

Cause then, you know, it's similar to gym membership.

It's like, you have to probably read it or they're going to bring it up next time. Like did you read that and it's like no but i'm going to like it's just it just it just creates a future awkward situation unless you take the time to actually read the book and although people my family love books but me personally not yeah it's it's the book you get your dad on like father's day because you're like oh my dad likes sports let me get him this book about jackie robinson like that or like let me get him this book about uh like you know like name any like sporting event that happened like before 1970 you're like oh here's a book about muhammad ali or babe ruth and it's just you're just giving him fucking homework to do streaming really fucked up fucked up the DVD game because, like, that was such an easy, easy gift.

Like, everyone likes movies.

You can just get, you know, go to Walmart, get a couple of DVDs, maybe throw in a funny one there, like a $2 one that's a joke, but, like, also with a good movie. But you just can't do that anymore.
Yeah. I'd say the one exception to the book gift being bad is if somebody gives you,

Oh, the places you'll go because people only wait to break that one out when

they're like super proud of you for something that you just did. If you see, Oh, the places you'll go being given to somebody at like a birthday party, it's like that person's got their life together.
They're doing big things. Absolutely.
Chicken soup for the soul or whatever the fuck. What was that book called? Yeah.
There was like a bunch of different chicken soups. Yeah.
Okay. Should we do honorable mentions before we end the show and Billy's career? Do you want the two that I was going to pick? I opted out because of the team game, and I kind of felt like these were going to be bad.
But the two I would have went if we were doing solos, I probably would have done gift cards and scratch tickets. I like scratch tickets.
Scratch tickets are great. What if you lose? Scratch tickets are great though.
It's a non-gift. Gift cards I kind of agree with because it's like you now have to go just give cash.
That's where the cash comes in. I think both of those are give cash.
Yeah. What else did we have? I had giving a two-year-old a PS5 and Hitman 3, which Stu Feiner did for my son.
That was a tough gift. But that was a real true thought that counts by Stu because he gave my son a bunch of age-appropriate toys, and then it was a brand-new PS5 and Spider-Man, Hitman 3, and NBA 2K.
I was like, he's two. But again, thought that counts because I love Stu.
I had buying someone else's son or daughter

a drum set or like a

trumpet, a really loud instrument being like

here, this is going to ruin your life

with this gift that I'm I had buying someone else's son or daughter a drum set or like a trumpet,

a really loud instrument being like, here,

this is going to ruin your life with this gift that I'm giving to your son or

daughter. I had,

if they get you like an intricate board game that only they enjoy that you've

never played before. And they're like, Hey, I really liked this game.

I think you will too.

And then it takes like two days to learn the rules and another three days to

play the game. Don't like that.
And then I i had a scale just a scale is a bad gift too yep yep i had also on their uh candle or cologne like telling someone else here's a smell i like that's just it's a terrible gift to get like here's a smell use it um the uh oh a court your quarterback throwing an easy pick six six. Terrible gift to – That is a gift.
Yeah, when you're like, oh, that was a gift for the other team. Also, like your goalie giving up a cheapie, that's a fucking terrible feeling.
I kind of wish I had said this. I wish I had said this one just so it was on the graphic because memes texted this and me and Liam were just perplexed.
But he said, then telling the person I know how much you love to do the dishes oh yeah like a vacuum cleaner not not a great gift yeah yeah yeah I I one time would almost did that with like a Roomba and I was like the uh the visual on this does not look good yeah yeah you got toothpastepaste would be a bad gift. Toothpaste sucks.
Yeah. That's good.
Floss. Giving someone floss.
I actually, this was something I had the, like, this was a real time. Like I'm fucking old.
Cause I remember when I was younger, I got socks and I was like, this sucks. And then I was going to write it down.
I was like, if I got socks today, I'd be. Yeah.
So. But socks is.
That's actually not. But like when you're a kid socks and underwear like yeah terrible yeah when you're a kid like every every gift is you know possibly your favorite thing ever and then when it's just socks you're like fuck yeah but then once yeah once once you get older socks and underwear or life essentials along the same lines of the trojan horse uh the statue of liberty was low-key a pretty shitty thing for the french to do to us they just made this giant sculpture out of bronze and it's like here you have to clean this every day or else it's going to turn green it's a big fucking woman and you have it's so big that you have to find an island to put it on and oh yeah it's also going to make you have to fight on our side in every war that happens from now until the end of eternity so i mean in what in some ways it was ended up being an effective gift by the French, but low key, I think it was a bad gift.
It's literally a lawn ornament for a country. That's kind of sick though.
I think that's kind of sick. Like who, I don't like the statue of Liberty slander.
I like that. That big lady, she's freedom.
Maybe you see her and you're like, damn, we're home. I think she that's crazy as what communist yeah but also like who who thinks to like it's just one of those things that exist like i never even think about the statue of liberty i live like right by what what national monuments do like yeah pft i mean we're doing like the russian monument i like no i no i didn't say it was problematic i just said like if you're going to give give us a giant statue of a woman, at least put some cake in her backside.
At least, like, put some low cut on her. This little treat for the fellas flying over.
You haven't looked at the Statue of Liberty. How many beers for the Statue of Liberty? Dude, it's freedom.
Back then? Oh, yeah. Yeah, back then.
That's the thing. You have to clean it every day.
It's the worst possible material. If it was still shiny, that would be sick.
But no, it's green now. Green is cool.
Green makes it cool. You don't see green things like that.
You don't see big... Fiona.
Who? Fiona from Shrek. Yeah, sure.
Kermit. Okay, there we go.
Name some green things. But wait, if the Statue of Liberty is so great, how many times have you guys been to visit her? Multiple times.
Once or twice. I also see her every day on my walk.
She's fucking cool, dude. That's America.
That is America. Me and Trent went in 2013.
That's the best thought. You must not have relatives who went through ellis island bft oh damn roasted damn i don't know where my parents where my relatives bro you're so fucking late his ancestors actually were were from here so that's why it's not problematic for him to say that.
Actually, I do have more than Elizabeth Warren, but

not... Billy's ancestors actually were from here, so that's why it's not problematic for him to say that.
Actually, I do have more than Elizabeth Warren, but not enough to rep that. There we go.
You're Brocahannis. All right, let's do numbers and get out of here before Billy ruins this whole podcast franchise.

Dude, how do I get – can you like bleep this?

Like is this like really bad?

No.

27.

Six.

Seven.

Seven, Hank.

Six.

Seven.

58.

I don't –

51.

Wednesday.

Takeies.

Be there. Greatest takeies you've ever done.
Oh, 51's new. 51's new.
Wednesday. Takeies.
Be there. Greatest takeies you've ever done.
51's new. Oh, score got me.
How about that? It doesn't have an asterisk. Okay.
We still have 6, 26, 27, 29, and 78. We're down to five numbers.
Incredible. The Hank Cat the Hank Catbat thing? Was that never a deal?

No, because he's whatever.

I got him Papa Diaz for his birthday.

I can't say anything else.

All right.

We'll see everyone Wednesday.

Love you guys.

Feral horses cause the most property damage out of any invasive species in North America.

Love you guys I wonder what I'm to say. I'll say it anyway.
Today's my day to find you. Shining away.
I'll be coming for your love, okay? Shining away. I'll be coming for your love of grace

Take on me

Take me on

I'll be gone

And I'll be gone When I talk to you Needless to say I'm all descended But I'll be going away Telling them that life is okay. Say after me.
It's no better to be safe than sorry. Take on me.
Take me on.'ll be gone When I feel free All the things that you say Yeah is it a lot for Just a flame that worries away You are the things I've got to remember You shine away I'll be coming for you anyway Take on me Take me home I'll be gone in a day.