Brand New 3 Hour Dungeons And Dragons Campaign With Timm Woods And Nick Turani

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On today's part of my take, three hours of Dungeons and Dragons. In studio, Tim Woods, our good friend, Nick, we start a new campaign all in this episode.
We start it, we finish it, we do it all. It is maybe the greatest podcasting ever done.
I'm just going to say it, podcasting ever done. I think I'd said that if Game of Thrones creators had had a last season that was half as good as this, then everyone would have critical acclaim of it.
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Boar's Head! at boarshead.com Boy! Boy! Now in the street there is violence And then a lot of work to be done No place to hang out or wash in And then I can't blame all on the sun Oh no, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And It's Part of My Take

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Thank you. Welcome to Part of My Take presented by Visible.
Go to visible.com slash pod and you can get single line wireless for as low as $25 a month. Today is Friday, July 8th, and we're playing Dungeons and Dragons, boys.
We're doing it. We're doing it.
We are doing it. People asked for it.
We decided. So if you don't know our history with Dungeons and Dragons, we had Tim Woods on probably like four or five years ago.
One of the best guys ever, like literally one of my favorite human beings alive. And we started a campaign.
Every time we had him come in, we would kind of like rehash where we had been and then pick it up. And it was sporadic.
And so we decided instead of doing that, where we have him come in for an hour and 30 minutes of it is recap we had him come in and we started a completely new campaign with our friend nick and it like the twists and turns just buckle up i'm gonna say right now buckle up some things happened on the show that have never happened in the history of part of my take too yeah that's all i'm gonna say there's some there's some interesting stuff that comes out nick is a great player awesome addition to the crew um we turn on each other we turn back on each other just be prepared this is going to be some crazy shit yes it is going to be some crazy shit and then we will be back in studio on monday for a regular episode but ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working nah neither has ariot ariot work jackets and boots are packed with all the cold stopping waterproof protection you need to get the job done under any conditions so you can take any job out there and always deliver check out ariot in your local workwear retailer or visit ariot.com work to get 10 off your first order when you sign up for email and whether whatever in ariot work gear okay we have our very favorite probably one of our top three favorite guys that is in the part of my take universe it is tim woods on the show for a special uh edition of dungeons and Dragons where we are going to have this whole episode will be an entire adventure. And we have added the biggest nerd in the office in Nick Turani.
That's fair to say. He is here.
Hot seat Jake. Yeah.
So it's going to be an incredible experience. We're going to start fresh because we know we've done a bunch of Dungeons & Dragons episodes where the first hour of the episode was us recapping what happened in the last one.
So we're like, fuck it. Let's just start fresh.
Let's do an extended version all in one episode. I am so excited.
Tim, take it away. Absolutely.
It is so good to be here. Great to be back.
It's been a while, and I'm so excited for us to dive back into D&D. I think it's also going to be great that we're starting fresh.
The adventure that I have planned for us today is a classic. It is known as Lost Mines of Phandelver.
It is one of the most well-known D&D adventures, and it is, in fact, the one that we started playing but only did a little bit of before we turned upon each other and killed each other. So now I think we're actually going to do...
And that was like three years ago, too. That was so long ago.
Maybe the old office. That will be certainly a callback for anyone who does remember that, but I don't even really remember it.
What's it called again? Last, what is it? Lost Mines of Fandel. I appreciated that you turned to Nick and you're like, Nick, just to be sure, you've never played the Lost Mines of Phandel.
Do I wear it on my face that well that I may have played that? Honestly, it's a well-known adventure. It's in the beginner box.
So if anybody has played any adventure here, it would be that one. So I just had to double check.
But I know it's so great when you have people who have played D&D because very often their Dungeon making up their own stuff but when you do the out of the box stuff you never want to run something that somebody knows are all like the secrets and stuff are in the adventure already you would know what i know and that's too much information yeah too much to have revealed i'll just say having you back in the studio the energy in the room instantly changed yes hank you are actually smiling you are a positive. Yeah.
And we love you. And that's Tim with two Ms.
Where can they find you online? Absolutely. They can find me at TimWithTwoMsWoods.com.
That's mainly where I'm at. And through there, you can get to all my social media on Twitter and Instagram and stuff.
So I'm always posting updates and things like that. Tim with two Ms.
Bill with two L's. Yeah.
Hey, are you going to drink those beers or are they just for show? I actually should. They're getting heavy on my head.
Yeah. You should drink them.
Go ahead. Drink them.
Crack them over. Got to lighten up that encumbrance.
Yeah. Okay.
Hank's cracking the beers. Let's do it, though.
Absolutely. And in fact, our story begins with a little bit of drinking, as it were.
Here we go. We are currently at dinner and drinks are being served because, of course, they always are being served at a dwarven merchant's house.
We are at the home of one Gundren Rock Seeker. He's a dwarven merchant, one of the three Rock Seeker brothers.
And the first things they serve in his house are always the drinks first, food second. It sounds like a second priority.
Sounds like a crackhead. Bill Cosby's house.
Yeah. Makes him strong.
Fuck. And I'll just say that Wayne the Bard, just a reminder as to who our characters are, Wayne the Bard, you are also a dwarf.
So I'm going to say that's probably how you know Gundren Rockseeker already. As a dwarf in the city of Neverwinter, you are part of that dwarven community.
Right, but like dwarven it's not because I'm short,

right? No, it's not just because you're short. It's because dwarves tend to congregate

together. They're very close-knit families

and clans. And they

are always hanging out together.

A lot of dwarves in Neverwinter know each other

and are part of this thriving community.

The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town.

Absolutely. And in fact,

since you said that, I will say Gundren Rockseeker,

the first thing he said to you when you

arrived at this dinner, Wayne,

which is a great deal. are back in town.
The boys are back in town. Absolutely.
And in fact, since you said that, I will say Gundren Rockseeker, the first thing he said to you when you arrived at this dinner, Wayne, was that, well, right now, it's just me. As it were, my boys are not in town because the two brothers, my Rockseeker brothers, I'm one of three, they're currently in another village, a village known as Phandalin, far far from here and that's actually why i'm gathering you all here and norm the barbarian that's me you are a human and in theory in the thriving city of neverwinter you're even rarer than a dwarf because most of the barbarians live out in neverwinter woods which is full of like werewolves and witches and all kinds of monsters, you are making maybe one of your rare visits to the city of Neverwinter, mainly because Gundren Rockseeker has offered you money for a job.
I'm like the kid that Bleacher Report posts, like the seventh grader who's seven feet and he's just dunking on a bunch of like five foot kids. Okay.
Yeah, that's me right now. Absolutely, though you are younger than Gundshar and you are significantly larger than him as a barbarian you are muscled and strong and very much stand a good twice the height of gunshar when you are standing this kid's gonna be a problem in 2030 absolutely never is yeah never is always like nope he was just taller than everyone he's got the natural talent level it up, of course.
You're going to learn how to play center in seventh grade, and then you're never going to grow, and you're going to be like 6'3". Yeah.
No ball skills whatsoever. Clumsy as fuck, yeah.
Okay. It's a good analogy for a barbarian, because whereas you don't focus on the strategy of fighting, you just rush right in and have all that natural rage that is carrying you through.
And it is clear that he's letting you know why he has recruited you for this job. Because the job that he's paying you all for will not just require loyal dwarven bards, but also strong warriors.
I need supplies delivered to me brothers in Phandalin. And I need someone to guard these supplies.
He's turning from you, Norm, to Cake the Wizard next. Cake the Wizard, he is advising that he has invited you, though I don't know much about magic and I don't really know much about elves and your woods and your ways, but I do find that magicians are very helpful on the road for dealing with bandits and goblins and whatever kinds of challenges you might run into.
Also for just knowing which herbs are safe to eat or smoke and which are not safe. And so an expert in the arcane ways I think will be very helpful.
And you need money for your research. So if he's paying you money right now, you do think that that'll be a good thing for you to augment your list of spells that you currently have.
It is expensive to be a wizard because you need to keep collecting books and things like that. But with jobs like this, that is how you kind of pay your way through.
And he says, I know they won't get lost with you on their side at the very least, but they thought one magician might not be enough. And he nervously turns to Ehrlich, the gnomish warlock.
And Ehrlich, you can tell that he must have run out of people that he felt he could safely hire because he looks to you and you see sweat on his forehead. He goes, Ehrlich, I admit I don't know much about you or your magic.
He is not saying it, but you know that Gundren must suspect. Racist.
Your magic comes from fiendish sources, infernal sources. And though he has never seen Lola, the imp who hangs out on your shoulder, mainly because Lola is always invisible for the most part.

That's my demon imp.

That's your demon imp,

and she can turn into raven form or spider form,

but she can also just turn invisible.

So I imagine most of the time,

she's just sitting on your shoulder,

giggling into your ear with her scorpion tail,

kind of aimed at anyone she thinks of as an enemy relative to you.

And he says...

And Jake is...

What's his name?

Cake.

Cake the wizard.

You have a little problem with your beer there.

What happened?

I don't know what's going on with this thing.

It's just seemingly...

It seems like it's all foam.

It's delicious, though.

Mountains are blue.

It is the helmet of all giving beer that your patron, a demon, has granted you.

Or a devil, I should say, has granted you, certainly. And is the source of your power, this devilish fiend that you draw power from.
And it's clear that Gundren at least suspects that unlike Cake the Wizard, who studies books to learn magic, you got your magic from another source. Yes, street magic.
You made a deal. It is street magic, truly.
When you don't have the money to go to wizard school and buy all these books, you have to turn to street magic. And that is what you did.
You made a deal for your magic. The will hunting of warlocks.
Absolutely. And now that means that both, absolutely.
How do you like those warlock apples for certain? And at this point, I feel it's worth saying that even though you just made a deal to get your magic,

you and Cake are both as powerful

as each other. You have both unlocked a very

important spell at level

five, which you have earned,

which is the spell Fireball.

Fireball is the ability to

blast a group of enemies

with a blast

of fire. Yeah, I mean,

one has to be stronger than the other, right?

There can only be one best.

Who's the best between Cake

I'm going to go ahead. with a blast of fire.
Yeah, I mean, well, one has to be stronger than the other, right? There can only be one best. Who's the best between Cake and Ehrlich? It's gotta be Cake.
I think Ehrlich's a little bit better. No? I would say that Ehrlich's fireballs are very powerful, but Cake's fireballs have one additional ability that Ehrlich's fireballs don't have.
You have something called spell shaping, Cake, and that means that when you detonate a fireball and your teammates are in the middle of it, you can shape the spell around them so they're safe. However, Ehrlich, you don't worry about such things.
When you do your magic, whoever's caught in the way, they're caught in the way, and so your patron does not grant you fireballs that can move around your allies. He just grants you fireballs straight up.
And so i'd say that you have more attack spells maybe than cake but cake you have more uh nuance and finesse to your spells perhaps i might take out some some friendly fire you might deal some friendly fire for a certain and your patron would and lola the imp would just be laughing in your ear the whole time i don't trust l't trust Lola. No, I don't trust her at all.
We have someone else in here? Absolutely. In fact, as Gundren looks around the table at this group of individuals, he is apparently hired to guard goods along the way.
He turns to the final individual. Nick, I would like you to get ready to introduce your character.
Yes. But before you do, I want to confirm who your character is.

First of all, there's like big categories like fighty types and sneaky types like rogues or spellcasting types like druids and sorcerers.

Which are you leaning more towards, a fighter type or a spellcaster type? What do you think we need the most of right now? I would definitely think an additional fighty type is a very good choice. And there are some big categories for fighty types.
There's the different classes. We have a barbarian already.
We have a fighter who is a bit more like strategic use of arms and armor. There is also monk who are focused on like martial arts and things like that.
There's rangers who love to explore the woods with their bow and they're very accurate very often with their archery skills. And then there are paladins.
Paladins are the true heroes of the D&D classes. They are holy warriors who venture out with their sword and their shield to very often do good unless you're a dark paladin, in case your goal is to go out you're like the black knight you got and you do evil in that case um which would you be leaning towards it may it sounds like i've been swayed to paladin holy like a priest yes a paladin trustworthy fantastic choice now you can be a good or an evil paladin by declaring that you are following a good or an evil god or a good and evil oath.
But in addition to deciding whether you're good or evil, you get to decide what your oath is. And there's two main choices.
If you're a paladin of protection, you're all about defending the innocent, whoever they might be in your mind against whoever the enemies of the innocent people are. But if you're a paladin of vengeance, then your policy is a bit more, well, if I hunt evil where it lives, then I don't need to protect anybody.
I will go mess that evil up wherever it happens to be and hunt it down with extreme prejudice. So which would you be leaning towards? For the first time in my life, I'm picking protection.

Exciting! Okay, absolutely. A paladin of protection, it's obvious why Gundren would want you along for the ride.
Your whole job is to defend others and to defend goods that might be being transported. And your biggest special ability is if you're right next to somebody with your shield out, You dive in the way and block a shot against one of your maybe squishier softer teammates who have less armor and hit points and you can deflect an attack coming their way and you can do that pretty much whenever you want fantastic and here is your paladin character sheet that i'm going to give you this is a protection paladin i explain any of the information on there.
We're not really going to need most of it, but I will just ask, first, do you want to be a human or would you rather be something else weirder than a human? There's dwarves, elves, all kinds of races in the world of D&D. This is built as a human, so you can just go with human or you can decide you want to be something else that you might be more familiar with.
Let's roll with the build. I'll be a human.
That'll be the hardest for me to role play. Absolutely.
100 percent. A human paladin of protection is a classic choice.
And it's obvious that Gundren wanted you along because he believes that you're the one person who will make sure that nobody else. And he kind of glances in the direction of the warlock.
Warlock Ehrlich when he says this. He says, I just don't want anything to happen to the supplies en route to the village of Phandalin.
So I believe that you are a mighty protector and you can make sure that nothing bad happens to the supplies en route. Nothing goes missing as it were.
And I will ask... We don't trust...
We don't trust... He's got sticky little fingers.
It's obvious that Gundren doesn't... is nervous about the presence of the warlock, certainly.
But can't argue with his power, either. Now, Tim, do you roll around with all this stuff? Like, if you're just, like, hitting the town, do you bring your D&D material? I always try to bring dice wherever I go.
So wherever you find me, I will always have dice just in case because ultimately it's the only thing you need to play. You have like a D20 imprint in your back pocket.
Absolutely. Look at that shirt.
Got the D20 yin yang shirt. This is by far my favorite.
What's the coolest place that you've ever just like busted out the dice at oh i bust about an airport sometimes uh like they'll i'll see some kids or something and making noise and i'll just be like yo you guys can play with these i'll just like let the parents know like what they are and stuff um i've definitely gotten some cool dnd sessions down in some pretty cool locations uh i i got to run a uh party for people where they all showed up D&D costumes, and the best costume, the guy who won the costume, was a gelatinous cube, a monster that's made of ooze. So he had this frame with all of this cellophane of green wrapped around him.
And at the end of the contest, they slew the gelatinous ooze, so they just destroyed his costume with their foam weapons. That's badass.
And conventions are always a place where you see all kinds of cool costumes and stuff. People are breaking out dice all the time around there.
Do people get freaky at the conventions? Off there? It is known. Yeah.
Fuck yeah, Tim. I will say no more than that.
I'd like you to. D&D players are those kinds of nerds, is what I'll say.
Yeah, for sure. Hell yes.
And in theory, we're all getting hired for this big job now, or not that big a job. It's just to escort some supplies down to the village of Phandalin.
And Gundren is letting us know that me and my friend Sildar, and he kind of points at this ranger behind him, a guy with a bow who seems like he's been whittling arrows the whole time. We've been eating dinner and drinking.
And he says, well, me and Sildar, we're actually leaving tonight. We're going to be going down to Phandalin a little bit early because we're in a, well, we're in a hurry right now.
And he kind of even jumps as he says that. It's obvious Gundren's really excited about something.
And then Sildar interrupts. He says, well, actually, Gundron, we should really get leaving like right now.
He kind of points at the sun setting in the sky. And he says, so if you don't have any questions, you'll each earn 20 gold pieces when you arrive in Phandalin with the supplies intact.
And we can talk more about business once we arrive there. But Gundron, we should really leave now.
And I'll just say it's a little surprising. It seems like these supplies are going to be ready tomorrow morning for us to set out and travel towards the village of Phandalin.
And yet they're paying us to deliver those supplies tomorrow morning while they leave tonight. Yeah, we'd be in a bad hang right now.
Like, I feel like that's on us. It seems like they're in a hurry to leave this otherwise very fun dinner.
Like, it seems like this was a nice time until they decided they needed to leave quickly. It's also weird that they're not going to guard their own supplies tomorrow morning.
It seems like they could just wait eight hours and then not have to pay us a hundred gold pieces collectively to deliver some supplies. It sounds like just building supplies and things.
Should we check on the supplies? Should we look at them? Like we might be drug mules in this situation. You know how they say like in an airport, don't take anybody else's bag for them? Right.
And just to be clear, we're okay with being drug mules. We just need more than a hundred gold coins.
Absolutely. And we might just take all the drugs and party at the bar and then just not show up the next morning.
This is such a good point. Get some baby powder.
Cut it up. As a bard, I would even say your first suspicion would be something's in these supplies were being set up in some capacity.
I would invite anybody who wants to to roll an insight check. If you see on your sheet under skills, the insight skill, then you're particularly good at this.
And you can roll a d20 plus whatever your insight skill is to see whether Gundren is up to something. I got no insight.
I have no insight either. Then the two of you have a plus one at least.
I rolled a one. So I got nothing for you guys.
You know he wants us a drug mule. In fact, you're looking at the food in front of you, and you're like, he put the drugs in this.
Something's in this food. And when we get to the village of Phandalin, he's going to rip it out of our bodies or something.
You're getting very nervous now, Norm. So can I roll an insight check? You can roll insight as well, absolutely.
Insight check. Ooh, 17.
17. and you have a plus one just from your wisdom on this so with an 18 you can tell this Gundren knows something that he's not telling us right now but you can tell Sildar also knows whatever Gundren knows Gundren's very excited about it Sildar's more nervous he's He's looking at Gundren like, yo, shut up, dude.
Stop talking right now. But do we ask him about the supplies or anything? Have we mentioned anything about the supplies? We haven't.
Ehrlich just spilled an entire beer all over his laptop. Tall boy.
Party foul. And now he's got a single napkin to clean it up.
The ones that smell like salt and pepper from the bag. This will work.
All right, wait. So what was your question? So I think I can – can I talk to – I can't see.
I don't even live like this, PFT. What are you talking about? I can't see anything.
Drinking beer all the time? No, that and the sunglasses. Like, I just – I'm built different.
Yeah. Okay, so where are we going? So, yeah, so it's Sildar? Sildar is the ranger who seems nervous right now about what we're talking about.
Can I pull Sildar aside? Can I be like, what's the other guy's name? Gundren. Can I pull Sildar aside and be like, hey, Gundren already told me what's in there? Like, you know, kind of trick him and be like, I'm already aware of it.
I'm curious to know how much drugs did you put in it? Absolutely. Go ahead and make a deception check.
I know you have a very good deception skill. It's plus 8! So go ahead and roll a d20 plus 8.
Okay, I'm going to lie my ass off to this guy. 19! Wow! Let's go.
I'm going to get the real stuff. With a plus 8, that would be a 26 total.
With a 26, Cilador goes, what are you... Oh, Gundren.
And he immediately pulls you further aside. In fact, he pulls you almost into like this sort of like storage room.
It's a pantry right next to the kitchen. He says, we shouldn't be talking about this here.
Come on. And he pulls you into this pantry area.
He says, listen, I don't know what Gundren told you. Drugs.
I don't know whatundron's involved in right now but if gundron told you about the map he should not have the map first of all we don't even know if it's real so it may not be valuable at all but yes we're leaving early so that we can get the map to gundron's brothers and that you don't need to worry about that. The supplies,

I mean, I don't know what he told you about them. The supplies are just...

It's ale, yes. I just

don't want you to drink the ale before we get

here. There's mining picks and stuff,

but we'll be taking the map.

You're not going to have the map in the wagon,

so you don't need to worry about it. If the map

is dangerous, then

just we'll be the ones

taking on that level of risk,

not you.

So does that make you feel any better?

They're going to meet Gildar's brother, and then Gildar's brother has the map.

It seems Gundren is going to meet his brother.

Gundren's brother, yeah.

And they, Gundren and Sildar, have a map that they're leaving early to bring to the brothers. He said it took us a long time to find this map.
We have it now. We're not wasting any more time bringing it to the brothers.
And we just need you to guard these supplies because we cannot hang out even for another night. Okay, that makes sense.
And he just says, so can I count on you to keep this whole business quiet? You know, you said something about drugs, and he forgot about that. He is just focused.
He spilled all the beans about this map. Can we ask him if he knows where to get some drugs, though, just for tonight? He says, I mean, I do.
And he pulls out of one of his bags this pouch. Not for me, by the way.
I've got some pipe leaf here, if that's what you need. We can break this out.
Listen, I just ask you, keep it away from Gundren, because if he starts blazing this tonight, he's never going to leave. He's just going to hang out, and the next thing I know, I'll be the one tying him onto his pony to get him out the city gate.
It's going to be a whole mess. Right.
Got it. Facts.
I smelled the weed and I called the guards. Make a perception check if you wish to smell what is in the pouch.
This would be a d20 roll for you. Is this mid-leaf? 14.
This is some long bottom leaf right here. Sticky icky.
OG Kush. With a persuasion of plus six, a 19,

I'm going to say you don't know where it's coming from this house,

but you are catching a whiff.

And I don't like it.

Of some dank pipe leaf.

I'm going to get one bit.

Real dank pipe leaf.

Straight gas.

And as a paladin of protection,

you certainly like, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Like this is against the law. Wow law what? I'm a pussy the laws of Neverwinter strictly state that pipe leaf use is regulated but the law enforcement isn't really cracking down on it that much anymore it's not that big a deal just throwing this out here I think we should smoke cake out I think we should make cake get high.
You should sample it. Tim, they made me do dip a few months ago.
Oh, no. Oh, gosh.
That was bad. He does love the long cut, yeah.
And I had to take my shirt off at a hockey game and wear fake boobs. Okay.
I suppose that was step one, then step two of the old alley-oop process.

Let's get him high real quick.

Just take one hit, cake.

Certainly, we would have the opportunity.

Gundren is ready to break out just tobacco pipe leaf. And if somebody were to do a little switcheroo, it might take a little while before somebody realized that they were not, in fact, smoking tobacco pipe leaf.
All right, let's do it. Absolutely.
So you've got the sticky icky right now. Well, Hank actually does.
I gave him some before we walked in. Absolutely.
In real life. There you go.
Absolutely. I'll say, Wayne, right now, you've just been given some by Sildar.
The other characters, I'll say of all the other characters, it would be Norm and Ehrlich, who would be the most likely to just be starting play with a little bit of their own pipeweed. And you certainly have a large pouch of some that Sildar has just given you, hoping that you won't say more about what you know at this point to Gundren.
I won't say anything, but I do want him to smoke it. Absolutely.
When you get back, I'm going to say dinner's done. Gundren is packing pipes, wooden pipes for everybody, of some of the finest tobacco.
This has got like cigars in his mind that he is passing around to everybody. Do you want to do anything as Cake is about to receive his wooden pipe of tobacco? I'd like to put on some cool music.
Oh, absolutely. Jake, what's up? Now, putting, oh, actually, you can literally do what you're saying because you can either break out an instrument to play it or you could create an illusion of your favorite music.
Yeah, I want to do a hologram Tupac. Wait, no, absolutely.
An actual incubus. Yeah.
You, in fact, create this conjuration with your minor illusion cantrip of the famous musician of Neverwinter, Tupac, who you are making it look like he's rising from the afterlife to appear. And you just see one of Gundren's children who has been helping set the table and then clear the table.
He comes running out and he goes, I knew he was alive. And you see that he has failed the saving throw and believes it's the real Tupac.
And he's just playing the best beats, playing the best of kind of. It sounds almost like a recording that you are conjuring up.
It's like DJs. Absolutely.
And the pipes are being passed around right now. Currently, the pipe that Cake is about to receive only has tobacco in it.
Do you want to do something about that? Yeah, lace it. Absolutely.
Now, as the pipes are being passed around, I will let you try to slip some of what you received from Sildar into his pipe, but you'll need to make a sleight of hand check. Sleight of hand check, plus five.
You have a plus five on sleight of hand. Now, Cake, if you're suspicious about anything going on here, you're allowed to make your own perception check to see if you notice anything.
Either perception or insight, whichever's better for you, but probably perception, I think, is a skill that you have. They're both plus three.
Plus three either way, so you can roll a d20 plus three, and actually, yeah, roll that first so we know what you need to beat. 18.
18. And that's before the plus 3? 21.
It's a 21. You're gonna have to, you see, he's watching these pipes like a hawk.
Yeah, he's gonna call his parents. He apparently expects this.
Come pick me up. You need a 17 or 17 plus, right? Well, I've got a plus 5.
Right. Yeah.
17 plus. Good math.
Oh, 15. 15 plus five is just barely a 20.
You only just barely catch because all you would have needed was one point higher. You catch that something got slipped into your pipe, but you don't know what.
They did that a few months ago, too, in New Orleans. Oh, yeah, we did that, too.
That's true. I dosed them.
Shit. The barbecue festival.
Fuck. You're gonna be pulling a Ben Mintz.
Now, everyone's lighting these smoke stick matches and lighting up their pipes. Do you light yours up, Cake, or what do you do? I'm going to give my hits to them.
Interesting. You start passing yours around.
He's a cop. Sportsmanship check.
I smoke weed check. I feel like you on the basketball court.
Can we check to see if he's a cop? You certainly can make an insight check on Cake. Okay, because he feels like a cop.
Absolutely. Roll a d20 plus one for your insight.
One shit. You definitely know.
I had no idea he was a cop. You know he.
You're trying to throw me under the bus. I'm just going to confirm, Cake, your character is not a member of the city watch, as it were, or are you secretly a member of the city watch? You're not.
I am not. You feel 100% certain he absolutely is, and that's why he's trying to pass his drugs off to us.
Mm-hmm. That's totally a normal thing to do.
Hand the drugs back. Yep.
Or let your friends have more fun with the drugs because they would enjoy it more. That's such a good spin zone.
Absolutely. Double sportsmanship.
I'm also going to, oh, Sildar got a critical hit on this. When you pass the pipe over and Gundren is like, oh, let me at it.
I want to get a little hit of your pipe. It's the best pipe.
And as he's going to take a hit, Sildar goes, ah, Gundren, actually, maybe you should just stick to your own pipe right now. And he goes, why? And Gundren seems very confused why he wouldn't just be able to take hits from your pipe.
But Sildar knows and Sildar is trying to keep him away. I'm just going to see if he does so successfully.
He is not successfully keeping Gundren away

from the pipe right now. Gundren goes to start

taking hits from your pipe.

Do you allow him to do so? Absolutely.

Gundren just starts talking about

how it's weird that fingers

are on the end of your hands,

right? It's kind of like

they're just always moving by themselves.

What do they do when we're not controlling them?

And Sildar just puts his hand on his forehead. He is getting very frustrated at the moment with Gundren.
Gundren also starts to say, Sildar, when we start to take a look at the map, and as soon as he starts to say the word map, Sildar goes, Gundren? Actually, Gundren, we should probably get going right now. Shouldn't we? Shouldn't we? I think this has been a great night.
I think Gundren and I are going to get going now. We're going to hop on our mounts, and we're going to start heading for the City Watch.
Good luck delivering those supplies tomorrow, guys. And it's obvious he's trying to get Gundren away from us at this point.
Yeah. So we have the map.
No. It's with us.
We know. We know that a map exists.
Correct. But it's at Gundren's brother's house.
Well, Gundrenildar it seems like Are about to go deliver the map We have the map with us The rockseekers We have the ale and we have mining supplies Is what we're being told When I say we though I mean that the map is in our presence with them Currently yes That's right We they're about to leave. That's right.
We don't see it, but they must. But we didn't know that until they said that.
We now know they have it somewhere. I think Nick is right.
We got to follow them. They're stoned.
Yeah. We got to tail them.
Yeah. Tail them? Jake knows how to put a tail on them.
Fucking cop. Tail them and then maybe wait until they get outside the city limits and then just jump them? Yeah.
Ooh, I like that. We certainly could.
Let's fucking run up on them. Yeah.
Let's get crazy. Absolutely.
Stop. We see them heading for the stables.
They couldn't show us the supplies because the supplies weren't ready yet, but they assure us it's just ale, mining supplies, picks, shovels, that sort of thing, some lumber that they could only get from Neverwinter Woods. And they, while the wagon is kind of like out back, they just hop on their horse and their pony, respectively, and start heading for the southern gate of the city.
They've already told us the route that they'll also be taking to get to Phandalin, which is traveling down the long road and then verging onto a path known as the Tribor Trail to get to the village of Phandalin. So we see them leaving for the gate.
What would we like to do? Hank, I've got an idea. Could you send that little invisible lady that sits on your shoulder to tail them and to keep us posted about where they go? Yeah, your invisible girlfriend? I'm down.
She's totally real. Absolutely.
If you send Lola after them, then I would just ask for Lola to make a stealth check with advantage because Lola is invisible and they don't suspect anything because they don't see her. So you're just going to need to beat a 15, which is the passive perception for Sildar.
We just trust that Lola's real. Yeah.
I mean, he's been telling about us since high school. I mean, he is a different shoulder.
He is drunk. I met her at summer camp.
I don't know if this is a six or a nine. The dot will be at the bottom.
Six. Luckily, you have advantage, so you can roll a second time and take the higher number.
I think I put on your sheet what Lola's stealth is. Ten.
Okay, so the ten was the better roll. Can I just ask, did you see under Lola's stats on your sheet, does it say what Lola's stealth bonus is? Oh, did you hit? I gotta be honest, guys, I'm pretty high right now.
It's gonna say on the back part Lola's stealth. That was the Aloha Express Oh really? Yeah Is it the hello or the goodbye version? It has a good sheet? Yeah on the second page of your sheet It has all the Take off the glasses I can't I'm telling you I can't see Take off the glasses Yeah weak eyes I'm also maybe a little stoned Cast invisibility shapeshift into a raven spider rat,

attack, 1d, d20 plus 5 to hit,

1d, 4 plus 3 damage.

So it doesn't say anything about her stealth there?

Dark ones, blething,

dark visions, stone, game of watch,

no money.

Blething?

Blething.

Is that the Spanish version?

I don't see anything about stealth.

Okay, apologies, I thought I put the stealth there.

I am looking up her stealth now. He's dropping vosotros on us left and right.
I have such good news for you. Her stealth bonus is plus five.
And the number you needed to get was 15. So with a 10, the invisibility saved her.
As she is following along for a moment, Sildar turns around, looking directly in her direction as he is riding for the city gate. And then just turns to Gundren and says, sorry, I just thought I heard something.
And Gundren goes, ears are weird. And he goes, shut up, Gundren.
And just keeps riding for the city gate. Lola is easily able to follow them.
And as they leave the city, they're traveling for a good five minutes. And we'll have plenty of time to catch up to them, but that is when you notice, after five minutes, that Sildar kind of rides up next to Gundren, reaches into one of his pockets.
Like, first he checks, hey, Gundren, you awake? You awake, buddy? Okay. And then he reaches into one of his pockets and pulls out a scroll case, a wooden scroll case, and looking around, like, he's extra suspicious.

Even though he doesn't see anybody,

he cracks open the scroll case and then just breathes a sigh of relief.

Like, okay.

And it's obvious he's happy something is still there.

And then he closes it again,

puts it back into the pocket of Gundren Rockseeker.

How are we going to communicate with Lola, guys?

I'm happy to say you have a telepathic bond with Lola.

So you are automatically just...

I'm not going to communicate with Lola, guys? I'm happy to say you have a telepathic bond with Lola. So you are automatically just in communication.
The Mel Gibson movie? What is it? What Woman Want? Yeah, that's you. Good job, Hank.
You're always picking up what Lola wants, as it were. In fact, I'll even say this.
Lola is communicating to your mind. Gosh, I could just sting him in the neck.
I could just sting him in the neck right now, and he probably wouldn't survive it. I could just take him out right now if we want to meet it, too.
Sounds like Lola's just real bad influence. Why are we killing this guy? She's a demon.
He might be a better man. Wait, you know he smoked weed.
He's got to go. He's got to die.
Wait, can we sting him and knock him out and then kidnap him? I would warn you in advance that you know that Lola's poison is not knockout poison. It's lethal poison.
She stings him. Can they give her a little shot? Lola sounds kind of little, like maybe she's Lolita.
Can we call her Lolita? Yeah, let's call her. Yeah.
Okay. She's young.
She's tiny. Sure.
So I don't know. Do we want to kill the guy first? I feel like the whole reason was for us to roll up together Strength in numbers Now we're just sending out my imp Yeah maybe we still roll up on him Together Do your own dirty work What if we have like one more round at the bar Let them get a head start They feel safe Then we roll up on him Okay When they're outside the city Yeah I mean they're right here though What if they get jumped by somebody else That's true then we'll jump them Is there a flying spell we can use

Because at this point we're stoned in real life

And in the movie

I don't know if we're going to want to walk

I don't know if we're going to walk all the way

It's going to be hard to catch up

If we take another drink

We don't have flying spells that would make us faster than them

But we do have horses

That would be available

That we could start to ride hard

To catch up to them. They're riding with speed, but we could ride faster than that if we don't mind putting our horses through the paces.
Yeah, let's do it. All right, cool.
Let's hop on some horses. Let's have a beer and hop on some horses.
Absolutely. We'll stay under.
We'll have two beers. Yeah.
And as you get your horses ready, I will just check if anyone in Gundra's family is noticing what's going on here. Nope, nope.
Nobody's noticing that we seem to be leaving ahead of schedule. The supplies are not ready yet to be delivered.
They're going to be ready tomorrow morning. Instead, we're getting the horses that we have ready ahead of schedule.
Hell yes. And we're getting ready to ride for the city gate.
Lola is keeping tabs. And as they set out on their journey again, she's letting us know, okay, they've gotten this far.
They're getting a little bit further. But we know we're catching up to them faster and faster.
And we are going to arrive when they are setting up camp for the night. So as we ride our horses through the woods, we are seeing up ahead that there is a campfire with Sildar and a very sleepy Gundren sleeping next to this campfire.
Sildar is, of course, on watch, very carefully looking around, but because Lola did the scouting for us, we're like creeping up in some bushes, and from 100 feet away, we see Sildar before he sees us. What we like to do.
Like we just snatch him. Do we kidnap him? Yeah, I want to just snatch him.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind having him with us. Yeah, right.
They know stuff that we don't know. Let's just snatch his ass, yeah.
I don't want to kill him. No, let's grab him.
Can we beat him real quick and then kidnap him? Let's flip a coin. One of them has to go.
Okay. Yeah, that sounds good.
let yeah no let's grab can we just like can we beat him real quick and then let's nap him let's flip a coin one of them has to go okay yeah yeah that sounds good let's yeah let's do we have a coin is there absolutely we can represent a coin with a dice if you want and say one to three is heads one four to six is tails okay um heads is uh who who has heads sildar sildar has heads and then gundrin is That makes sense. So to determine who we are going to kill.
Who we're going to kill. Looks like it's Gundren with heads.
That's what's Gundren. Gundren the dwarf guy is the one who got flipped on the coin.
Sildar is on high alert right now. Obviously, he's sitting right next to Gundren.
Keeps looking at his pocket that the map is in. Ooh.
Wait, who has the map? Gundren. Gundren has the map.
Sildar is sitting right next to him. Yeah, I want Gundren's.
I don't want to sound psychotic here, but should we kill Gundren in front of Sildar so he knows? I'm down for that. We need that map, though.
Wait, but which one knows more? That's going to be important, right? Because Gundren took it from Sildar.

Feels like Sildar is the mastermind here.

Yeah.

Gundren's just the guy that...

Which is the guy that I talked to in this story?

You talked to Sildar.

He's the ranger.

Here's the other thing.

We don't trust him.

Yeah, so let's kill Sildar.

Hold on.

Yeah, we also don't want to kill Gundren because he's got two brothers.

Their asses will be on us, right?

Like the Jokishes.

Yeah, that's a good point.

We don't want that shit.

He's got family waiting for him. Yeah, let's get Sildar, because I don't want to deal with Scorn Brothers.
Okay. Absolutely.
We're currently 100 feet away. If anybody wants to try to get closer, for example, some of us are great at range.
The Wizard and the Warlock really don't need to be too much closer to launch some of their most powerful spells. But our Paladin and our Barbarian and maybe our Bard might want to get closer.
I would like to smash his skull. Let's send a message.
I think it would be cool to just have the Barbarian just charge into their camp, just like balls out. I want to smash him.
Absolutely. Barbarian, if you want to get close enough to smash him, right now you're 100 feet away.
It would take more than one turn for you to get there. But if you can sneak up on him, roll a stealth check.
That's going to be a d20 plus two unless you have the stealth skill. I got a 12.
Okay, a 12 with a plus two. That's going to be a 14 total.
Is just enough that he's seeing you as you are getting within range to charge him. So you get within range, but he's turning and he goes, what are you doing here? And I assume you're not trying to talk to him.
You're charging him. Absolutely.
So you're getting ready to charge him. I'm going to ask us all to roll into initiative then in that case to see what order we are going to go.
That's going to be a D20 plus our dexterity modifier. In the case of the barbarian, that plus two in the case of the bard that's also a plus two for the mage the wizard that's a plus three and for our warlock that's also a plus two so everybody's a plus two except for the wizard you have a plus three on this paladin he's a plus two i think i'm a minus one minus one paladin all right all right so you'll be rolling a d20 minus.
I got a 17 plus two. That's 19.
19. Norm, you will probably be going first with a 19.
Good. I want to smash this ass.
I got a 12. 12.
And with a plus two, that's going to bring you up to 14. What are we checking here? This is your initiative.
Initiative. I actually didn't write it on those sheets.
It's just a plus two for you. Okay.
Yeah. So you got a initiative of 14 total and uh i'll ask our uh wizard to roll with a plus three eight plus three eleven eleven for cake good to know and then uh how did erlich do oh my god take the glass off two plus two is gonna be four guessing the numbers by four.
He's guessing the numbers by a touch. But I need to bring my Braille dice.
You have Braille dice? Hell yeah. I know they exist.
I don't own any, unfortunately. You should get some, yeah.
Yeah, they're very good. How many dice do you think you own? I own very few by D&D player standards.
Some people identify as dice goblins. They hoard dice uncontrollably.
The meme is the shiny math rocks go click click. You just can't resist them.
You gotta have more dice. I try to be reasonable about it because I need to spend money on other things.
Has anyone ever been accused of loaded dice? Oh, yes, absolutely. There are some people who show up at conventions with loaded dice sometimes.
It's very rare, I like to say, because the spirit of the game is sometimes you have good luck, sometimes you have bad luck. But some people don't follow the spirit of the game.
Are there unwritten rules? Like if somebody shows up with loaded dice, do you guys jump them? Don't have an official policy. Well, no, first they roll to see how much aggression they have.
They roll to see whether they hit the person that brought the loaded dice. Do you have like a favorite dice? Yes, I certainly do.
Somewhere in my bag, I have a translucent D20 that seems to roll very well. And I have here big guns.
Big guns, as you can tell, has been rolled so many times, the numbers have worn off of big guns. I like to pass big guns off very reverently, like, oh, if it's important, roll big guns.
And just as they're rolling, I go, oh, big guns doesn't roll very well, by the way, as they're in the process of rolling it. Because usually, I think six is the number one roll I've always seen on big guns.
Okay, nice. And so far, we've got a good initiative order.
I just saw a 12 from our paladin. That's right.
And as I get ready to write down your identity, I would take this opportunity to ask our paladin, Nick, what is your paladin's name? Do you have a name for your paladin? It's Greg with two Gs. Greg with two Gs.
G-R-E-G. As a double letter user, I appreciate that.
I'm a big fan. Greg with two.
No, hold on. The first and the last.
Yeah. Two, never mind.
The regular amount of jigs. My bad.
Absolutely. That would be with three.
DJREG is also dreg. Love that.
Absolutely. For sure.
Or GGREG. Now, I do need to roll for Sildar.
He has a plus three and if he rolls very well, he might even go ahead of Norm, potentially. No, not ahead of Norm.
He did get a 16, however. That means that Sildar is going to go right after Norm.
But we're trying to kill him. But before all the rest of us.
Okay, all right. So it's up to me.
It's kind of up to you right now, Norm. I've got to fuck this guy up.
Let's go. Norm, what weapon are you drawing? Do you typically use a greatsword? But I give you a choice.
In this new you a choice in this new adventure do you wield a great sword or a great axe let's go axe yeah you use a great axe now and that means I actually have to give you a dice I feel like an axe is way better at sending a message yeah I want to split them like a fucking piece of wood yeah vertically yeah so as you get ready to roll your great axe attack it will be will be the same as your greatsword attack, a d20 plus six I think you have. 20! No way.
Is that a natural 20? That's a natural 20. On your first attack for a new adventure.
That is going to be huge. Because a greataxe normally deals, I believe you have a bonus of plus three after your attacks.
Is that right? It says 2d6 plus something. Plus six to hit.
2d6 plus six damage. When you are raging, you add a plus six to your damage.
And instead of 2d6, you'd be rolling normally for a great axe, 1d12. So it's going to be a number between 1 and 12.
Wait, so that 20 didn't even count? Well, hold on. Because you got a 20, I'm not going to pass you 1d12.
I'm passing you 2d12. Because on a critical hit, you deal 2d12 plus 6 damage.
I'm going to tell you right now, Sildar is not a pushover. He has 27 hit points.
But depending on what you roll here, you're the one person who might be able to one-shot kill Sildar. I've been telling everyone how tough I am.
You got that dog in you? Yeah. Let's see.
Wait, so I'm trying to... I'm rolling one, and I get plus what? You get those two D12s added together, plus six on top of that.
I'm gonna roll them one by one. Typically, re-roll if it falls on the floor.
Unless it was good. Oh, no.
We know that's a seven. Seven, okay.
I thought that was a one. I thought that was a one.
Seven so far. Okay.
When your home system or appliance breaks down, American Home Shield will help fix or replace the covered item, no matter its age. Visit AHS.com slash listen for 20% off any plan.
See AHS.com slash contracts for coverage details, limitations, and exclusions. That's a one.
That's a one. Oh, shit.
So it's a critical, but just barely. Like, you got him in the neck, but it's a shallow cut that mostly goes along his shoulder.
But plus six, that's still 14 points of damage. And with a single attack, you have bloodied Sildar.
He is halfway dead exactly with 14 points of damage. But everyone's like, you're kind of a pussy because you said you were awesome with that axe and it didn't do anything.
Weight room. I get it.
Here's the good news. You activated your rage as a bonus action.
So you can't use your bonus action to do your frenzy attack, but we're playing as level five characters right now. And as level five, one of the abilities that you got was on an action.
You don't attack once with your axe anymore. You attack twice with your axe.
So you charge at him with your move, use your bonus to rage, and now your action is going to be these two attacks. Here's your second attack.
Gotta hit. Ten.
Nice. Ten plus six for your attack.
Oh, and I never had asked, are you attacking recklessly? Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
So it didn't matter on the first one because you crit on the first attack, but you are attacking recklessly, so roll a second time. Ten again! Ten again, okay.
This motherfucker's dead. So it is a 16.
A 16 total with a plus 6 with your attack is just barely a hit against Sildar. That is his armor class exactly.
So it's not a critical hit. You are just barely hitting him for 1d12 plus 6 damage.
He's got 13 health left. You could finish him off with this.
So am I rolling both die again? Not both die. Unfortunately, just 1d12 plus six.
How much did he have? He's got 13 left. Get him to warm.
Because you bloodied him with 14. 10 again! Let's go! Plus six is going to be 16 damage against him.
Sildar is either slain or knocked out,

whichever you choose.

How do you want to deal damage to Sildar?

I want his body to slide off like kill Bill.

Yeah, yeah.

He thinks he's knocked out, but he's dead.

Absolutely.

What does it look like as you kill Sildar?

Okay, so I literally slit him in half.

In half. And then half of his body, the right side, he's like, I'm good, I'm fine.
And then he just slowly falls like a tree. Absolutely.
And blood everywhere. Blood everywhere.
The first attack, he kind of cut along his neck down into his shoulder, and then the camera cuts to just half of him, and he's like, I'm, I'm. Yeah.
And his mouth starts spluttering, and then we pan out and see the other half is just slumped away up he falls over like a tree and I eat his heart and you do you reach in with the last part of your turn you tear out his heart and he craps himself before he dies before he dies and Jake tried to eat his butt absolutely I am going to say then that I am going to roll to see if that woke Gundren up. Uh-oh.
I hope so. But I'm going to roll with disadvantage because of how high Gundren is right now.
Okay. He got a 19 at first, starts to roll and his eyes open and then they are bloodshot red as he rolls over and says, Quiet, Mom.
I'm tired right now. And he rolls over and goes right back to sleep, only vaguely aware of what just happened here.
Well done. That would—just so we see what order things happen next in.
Wayne, that would be your turn next. Gundren is lying completely helpless, and Sildar has been slain by Norm.
Just an idea here, because Norm did such a great job filleting Sildar. What if I just put on Sildar's skin and pretended I was Sildar so Gundren thinks that his brother's still with him? Two-piece.
So he's safer. He thinks that he's safer.
Okay, the skill to disguise yourself is deception. So I would allow you to make an attempt.
I normally would give advantage for, like, putting on somebody's clothes or something. But if you're trying to put his skin on.
Yeah, no, his entire body. I'm going to say you don't have advantage.
But if this does work, it's going to work really well. Okay.
But you don't have advantage because this is so hard to pull his skin on. Go ahead and roll 1d20 plus 8.

Plus 8.

And for this to even work slightly, I really want you to get at least a 20 or higher.

Jesus.

All right, here we go.

Come on.

What was it?

It's a 2.

It's a 2.

Fuck.

Can I at least try to put a skin on for fun?

Yeah, you absolutely are trying to do it. Whatever you do, you know, whatever you do next is up to you.
But you turn to your friends and go, how's this look? And it's obvious that, first of all, you're a dwarf. So you are putting on this elven man, or a half elf you think he was, Sildar.
You're putting on his skin, and it's like a blanket on you, kind of. And it's obvious that right in the middle where you kind of run a thread sort of your face is still visible with on either side of your face the halves of sildar's face you don't look like sildar you look like a nightmare right now we say looks good yeah yeah dude no no that's a cool haircut yeah you look handsome great you look great nice part right down the middle.
Boys gassing each other up. I love it.
Now, I will say, if you were to talk to anybody like you are currently, you'd have advantage on intimidate, but you would not be getting advantage on deception to trick Gundren. I think I'll keep the skin.
I kind of like how I look. Keep the skin on.
Wear a skin suit. Absolutely.
Are you also pulling his clothes on, like his cloak and everything? I'm like fully nude with his skin.

Okay.

Yeah, absolutely.

100%. And you also notice, ooh, you notice Gundren, or sorry, Sildar left something behind.

He has a bow that without any check necessary, you can see magic runes on this bow.

Otherwise, he had food.

He obviously had some drugs and some belt pouches and some other things that he was bringing in his backpack,

but it's obvious one interesting item he had is a magic bow.

Gundren is still asleep,

but you've spent your whole turn putting on Sildar's skin,

I'm going to say right now.

That is going to bring us to Greg's turn next.

Greg, what would you like to do?

I want to tie up Gundren.

Absolutely.

Tie him up tight. But not like, I want to go arm to foot and arm to foot.
Absolutely. Arm to foot, 100%.
I would like to see a, this would be sleight of hand, so unfortunately, you know what? I'd allow you to use strength on this instead of dexterity. So you can use your d20 plus your strength modifier, which I think is a plus three for you.
It's a plus three. Absolutely.
Go ahead and give it a roll. You're a strong boy, Greg.
Oh. You just roll that one instead.
Sorry. Okay.
You know that if that's a six. So with a plus three, you got a nine total.
If Gundren were to wake up at this point, which I'm going to roll to see if he does. Sorry.
He is waking up at this point. And as he wakes up, he immediately tries to break free.
And if he gets a nine or higher on this and he has a plus one, he is going to manage to start breaking free before you can fully tie him up. He had a plus one on this.
And with a nine, it takes his whole turn. But he goes, what are you doing? What are you doing? And he just barely, before you pull the knot tight, boom, pulls the knot free and starts to stand up.
But that's the end of Gundren's turn. And you didn't take anything out of his pocket.
So we look and we see the pocket that seems to have a bulky shape of a scroll case. He's still got it.
He wants to run for his donkey, his pony right now that is saddled up right next to their camp. He's going to run for it on his next turn if he gets his next turn.
But Cake would be up next. Stop him.
Stop him. I want to kill him.
Absolutely. You certainly can.
Whoa. I kind of want to torture him Yeah, yeah Let's find out what he knows Cake just before your turn I would say you only used your action on this battle actually Yeah, no you would have moved over to him and then gone to tie him up So that would would have been your whole turn.
You don't have time to grab him and hold him in place. He's running for his pony.
But cake, you would certainly be able to do whatever you want, including using a spell if there's a particular spell. Generally speaking, your spells are always better than whatever weapons you have available.
And I know at least one spell begins with a W that I think could be very helpful for trapping somebody in place. Web would be a very helpful group of enemies to the ground.
Absolutely. You can Spider-Man this guy right to the ground with a web if that's what you want to do.
Unless you think there is another spell that might be more helpful. He has the powers of Spider-Man.
You convinced me to be a paladin. Wizards have a lot of different powers in theory.
Oh no, Nick, our characters suck. All we can do is rage.
Barbarians and paladins are very straightforward in what they do. Wizards, in theory, have a lot of options to keep track and very often a wizard will be like, oh, I had the perfect spell.
I forgot I did because I have a hundred of these. But Webb would pin him in place, but no damage.
So you just let me know if you want to use Webb or something else. I'm doing the alley.
Someone else slam it down. If he gets stuck in place, then not only will he not be able to move on his next turn, then everybody else will have advantage on their attacks against him.
So if you launch a Webb, you don't need to roll anything. Instead, I need to roll a saving throw for him.
He's trying to dodge out of the way. He has a plus one on this.
He got a five total. That is not nearly enough.
He turns and just looks right into the face of this web that splatters him and nails him to a tree. He is stuck to a nearby tree.
And I'm also going to say this. It's such a big area.
You could have gotten his pony as well. So just in case he breaks free, breaks free his pony is like what the f and likes completely stuck by its hooves to the ground right now and so that's extra helpful um there's a there's a horse that's free but like that was sildar's horse no one's using that horse now so well done cake that'll bring us next to erlik's turn erlik'll also point out, you're maybe the most intimidating in the group.

You have the intimidation skill,

and so historically,

you sharpened your knives and stuff.

People get real scared about what you're going to do to them.

So maybe, like, what?

Take off an ear or something?

Cut his dick off.

Yeah.

Yeah, make him reek.

If we're doing the torch,

I don't want to finish the job.

I just want to, like, intimidate him, cut off an ear, cut off a dick, maybe both. Absolutely.
You'd be able to use your action to cut something off and then you're moving. Swap his ear with his ear.
He's got a dick ear. I can do that, right? I got spells.
You got spells to do that? Sure. Yeah, absolutely.
I'm going gonna say that because it's such a horrific uh grizzly form of torture your patron momentarily grants you the magic necessary to graft a body part onto a wound to someone that you're torturing so I'm gonna ask what are you going to cut off his ear and his penis and you're gonna swap them okay so So go ahead and first roll an attack roll with your short sword to make sure that you do this effectively and you have advantage on this because he's stuck in place it would be an attack roll with your short sword so if you look at the top of your sheet under actions i think you have a short sword as one of your weapons is that right hanks definitely gonna hurt himself absolutely ceremon, basically. It's like a long ceremonial knife just like that one.
You can go ahead and I think it says plus six for attack. Is that right? Or plus five for attack? Right.
Plus five. Plus five for the attack.
So go ahead and roll a d20 plus five and you get to roll two times. I just want to say in real life, Hank's not that great at swinging clubs at balls.
So this might be tough for him. Better than you.
16. 16.
So far, so good. Just roll a second time because you get to take the higher of the two results.
Two. Two.
Okay, so we'll take the 16, and that's before you added the plus six, is that right? Plus five, yep. Out of the plus five, absolutely.
With a 20 or higher. A 21 is enough that you get both the ear and the dick.
You are taking both. You immediately flip their places and suddenly to his heart, he's going, what are you doing? No! Ah! Oh god, no! What are you doing now? And that's the sound he makes as suddenly these new body parts graft on horribly like Frankenstein to their new locations.
And you are finding that the blood has drained from Gundren's face. He is beginning to openly weep.
And you can intimidate him now into talking more. And you would have not one advantage.
So that would be two dice. I'm going to let you roll three times on intimidating him right now.
Fingers, ear pussy. It's a penis.
Well, no, his penis is on his ear. It's an ear muff.
He's got an ear on where his penis was. He's got an ear pussy.
Oh, gotcha. Let's think about the other Yeah.
11. 11 so far is great.
Keep rolling two more times. We'll take the highest of the three rolls.
Six. Six.
Okay, so 11's the best right now. Come on, Erlik.
Fuck. Eight.
Eight. So we'll take the 11, but what's your intimidation skill bonus? I'm pretty sure you're good at that.
Plus six. Plus six.
I just realized we're doing all this to these guys. We have no plan.
No, no, no, no. No, you have a plan.
We're going to take the map. Yeah, we're going to take the map.
We've got to find out what the map is for. They were both asleep.
Yeah, they were just minding their own business, and we just wreaked havoc. He definitely still thinks he's just high.
Yeah, this is a dream. Really good stuff.
This is no more or less of a plan than any other D&D group I've worked with. This is totally fine.
But with an 11 on your best roll with a plus 6, that's a 17. He's saying, I'll do anything.
What do you want to know? I'll tell you anything. Is it about the map? The map? Take the map.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry! Just take it and give me back my body parts! He's under the impression that you can fix him.
And I'll just say right now, your patron is whispering in your mind, oh no, those aren't going back where they came from. No, no, no, no, no.
They're staying there now. Sorry.
We should tell him that we're gonna fix it. Just if you do this one last mission for us.
But I feel like we should find out what the deal with the map is, right? Like, talk to him about the map. He gestures to his waist where the pocket is that you know that has the map.
So he's already telling you the location on his person to grab the map. He says, it's the other pocket, the one you didn't go into.
And he gestures to his left. So you can take the map right now, and he's going to answer it.
Sounds like whatever questions you have or do anything.

He also says, my money?

Do you want my money?

It's in the right-hand pouch.

And he gestures to his other belt pouch, so you could take his money too right now.

Definitely take the money.

Absolutely.

You open up his belt pouch, there's 140 gold pieces inside that belt pouch right now.

So we already made more than we were going to. Already more than we were going to make.
He's holding out on us. And you can tell that you grab the map from his other pocket.
You have this wooden scroll case. And do you open it up to take a look at what's inside? Yeah.
There's nothing. No, I'm just kidding.
There is the map inside. Tricky.
And it is an old, worn map. It looks like it must be maybe over 100 years old.
And we put together that Sildar mentioned that they had found this map recently. Like, they had been looking for it, and it took a while to find.
Like, maybe because it's such an old map, they had to dig it up from somewhere in particular. but it depicts a region that I'm going to let you make a history check on to see what you know is going on on this map already.
And then it sounds like Gundren is willing to spill more info. 7 plus 5.
Okay, with a 7 plus 5, all you know for sure with a 12 is that this depicts the region around the village of Phandalin. And around Phandalin, they're marking down all the normal stuff.
In fact, you can tell there's a few mines, old mines that are marked around here. And then one is marked with a special X.
And it is labeled Wave Echo Cave. When you read that, make another separate Arcana check to see what you know about Wave Echo Cave.
You've never heard of it from historical documents or anything, but see if there's anything about magic that you would know about the region. Nine.
Nine, and what's your Arcana skill bonus plus five plus five a 14 is so close you only know

a rumor about something that exists in this area you heard once upon a time hundreds of years ago

maybe maybe around 200 years ago there used to be a very special mine that wizards used

Thank you. of years ago, maybe around 200 years ago, there used to be a very special mine that wizards used to make magic items long ago.
It was a rumor of something called the Spell Forge, where people were able to make magic items. You heard it was a legend, you're not even sure if it was real.
But you see this X on the map,

and you're like,

well, there's nothing interesting near the village of Phanthlin

except those old rumors

about the Spellforge.

You don't know much about it, unfortunately.

Well, let's find out what he knows.

Absolutely.

And as you start,

what do you ask him first?

Suck his ear.

What is this X for?

Suck his ear.

Oh, that's... Suck his ear, penis.
Suck his ear. It was for my brothers.
It's our birthright. We are descendants of the dwarves who once lived in Phandalin before the orc horde moved through the area and destroyed the village.
We're helping to rebuild the village, and that means getting all of the mines up and running again. But there was one mine whose location was lost.
And rumor has it that it was Wave Echo Cave. That had within it the magical ore for the wizards of Neverwinter to use to build magic items.
They were helped by my dwarven ancestors to dig up the ore, but it was the wizards there who could take the ore and make any magic item that you want. Magic items are hard to make in this world.
A place that was like a magic item factory that would be worth not hundreds, but thousands, if not tens of thousands of gold pieces. And it's obvious why Gundren wanted this to be kept a secret.
He wanted all the money for himself. And he didn't care about the supplies we would be delivering.
His important detail was getting this map to his brothers so that they could go on a quest to find this Wave Echo cave. That's what he was hoping to do.
Now he's got a dick ear. Now he's got a dick ear instead.
Love it. And Gundren is weeping now, not only about his dick ear, but because he has confessed to you the secret that was meant for just his family.
Should we do, should we do, we just did the bad cop, should we bring a good cop in now to try and get more information out of him? Ooh. Or should I just keep going in? I think we should fucking find his brothers

and kill them before they kill us.

Go back for them?

No, they're somewhere else.

They're up ahead at the village of Phandalin.

If we were to follow this map,

we'd be passing through the village of Phandalin

to get to it,

and we could do whatever we want

as we pass through the village.

I think we'd go finish off the entire bloodline.

Or turn their ears into vaginas,

and then have them just head fuck. Like in Coneheads.
Always got to end the bloodline. It's always important to end the bloodline.
It is. These guys are coming back for us.
You don't want any fudes. Just remember, rock seekers, they know vengeance.
Dwarves are historically not very friendly to people who have killed their brothers and they are very tight. Okay, so here's what we do.
Yeah, we didn't kill his brother. Not yet, certainly.
We should kill him. We should take his penis and bring it with us to Phandalin and go to his brothers and be like, and look what we got, your brother's dick, and then we kill him.
Let's cut off the head so they see the dick is detached. Oh, yeah.
Good call. I would be prepared to say they may not recognize that body part on sight.
They're brothers. So a head is going to be much more recognizable.
They used to take baths together. I could name everyone's cock in here.
No problem. Looks just like me.
It's little Nicky. Sorry, Greg.
Yeah, yeah. All right, so are we killing him? And then going to find his brothers?

Yeah.

All right, let's do it.

We'll let Jake do that.

And then we follow the map to wherever it's going, right?

Yeah, simple as that.

You certainly could.

All right, let's do it.

I would ask, who's dealing the killing blow to Huntran?

Absolutely.

Jake.

Jake, how do you want to do the killing blow?

In theory, we're going to have days to rest, so whatever spells you spend now, you're going to

regain before we reach Phandalin.

So you could use your biggest fireball.

Let's behead him. Absolutely, you could behead him.

Do you want to use a spell or your sword to do that?

Make him eat his horse first.

You make him eat his pony?

No, let's not kill the pony.

What if you shot...

What if you shot your load, your web load down his throat and he choked on it? You could suffocate him with a web spell. This will be a new use of web spell that I have not experienced yet.
But we need his head to come off, too. Don't want to be too sticky.
Oh, strangle his head with the web spell and then just, you know what I mean? yeah. Interesting.
I will let you use a modified version of the web spell,

wrap up his neck, and then yank the whole web

to tear his head off.

Absolutely.

You have never seen Spider-Man do that.

I don't know if I'm capable of that.

I'm going to allow it on this.

I'm going to say that you wrap it around

and you give it one.

You know what?

Roll a d20 with your minus one for strength to see if you can yoink the head off with the help of the web. Nine.
Nine with a minus one, so that's eight. All I was looking for was a six or higher.
So it's grisly. It requires a few tons.
I'm proving my loyalty. Yeah, no, this is true.
This is like making Donnie Brasco kill someone. We got to see you do a crime if you're not a cop.
In that case, I must emphasize, the first time his head doesn't come off, it's just like, oh, and he's choking. It's like Game of Thrones.
And then the second time you tug and his neck breaks, but he's still alive and watching you. And you go, oh, oh, oh.
But the webs are covering his mouth, luckily. And then the third tug, his head starts to come off.
The fourth tug is what brings his head off. It is grizzly.
But you are able to get this. And now you have something to carry it by.
These webs are forming a bag handle for you to carry this head around. Before he dies, he pisses out of his ear.
Absolutely, he does. Onto his own face.
He relieves himself out of his own ear and in fear and horror

as to his grisly death.

But now you have his head.

We've mutilated this fuck.

You have his map.

We got the map though.

Yeah.

He could have told us

about the fucking map.

Yeah.

He just let us have the map, dude.

Absolutely.

He should have known.

And that means

that we have everything we need.

We've got the map.

We've got the head. We can continue on to the village of Phanthalyn.
Let's ride ride his pony, too, just really. Take his pony with us.
Yeah, we'll take his pony. Absolutely.
We don't have any supplies we're delivering. We're riding our own horses, but we now have an extra pony to carry our supplies.
Beautiful. And we have another horse there that Sildar would have ridden.
So we have two horses, a horse and a pony, to carry our supplies now. Leather Cheerio.
That's the horse's name. Absolutely.
Do you have any more of the Aloha? Yeah, Hank has it. You actually have so much of the Aloha now because you took Sildar's Aloha with you.
Now we celebrate after a fresh kill. I wanted to say also because you had rolled so well, Sildar actually doesn't just have the Aloha in that pouch.
You get some edibles as well. There's like little biscuits inside there.
You like sniff and you're like, ooh, those are strong. Absolutely.
And you are going to be proceeding on to the village of Phandalin to do whatever you want there before being able to go to Wave Echo Cave but in theory as we travel the first day down the long road to reach Tribor Trail nothing happens. We camp for the night.
And then on the second day of our journey we veer off onto the Tribor Trail and Neverwinter Woods where the barbarian Norm spends a lot of his time. That's my home turf.
To the north of us right now and as the goes on, more and more we're veering into the southern reaches of the woods. And again, we camp for the night and nothing happens.
We should have one more day of journeying before we reach at Phandalin. But as we arrive about the midway of that journey on the third day, We are seeing up ahead a tree has fallen

into our path.

There is a tree blocking the way right

now and we are riding along.

We don't have supplies we're delivering so we're moving

full speed and it is obvious

that this tree

who has really good perception

here? I know Cake has good perception.

With a plus three your passive perception of 13

is just enough to tell. This tree is a dead tree, but it didn't just fall over onto the road.
It had fallen over and then been dragged onto the road. We're getting ambushed.
They know. And I would like to know what people would like to do.
I can move it. You want me to move the tree? You can move it, but you're strong enough to move it.
I feel like they're trying to get us close to the tree so they can attack us. So you want to go around the tree? Yeah, to slow us down.
What could we do to prevent this? We could maybe offer somebody up as a sacrifice, like as a decoy, to draw their fire. Send the pony in? Or Lola.
Send Lola in. Well, Lola's invisible.
Yeah, but let's make her visible. If we were to make her visible...
How would they know?

Why would they be suspicious of us?

Let's send Lola in.

We're about to get ambushed.

It's clear somebody blocked the road so they could attack us.

Correct.

How about Ehrlich and Lola go in?

Clearly Sildar and Gundren are not the ones who set this ambush

because we caught them by surprise.

So it's somebody that's trying to kill Sildar and Gundren probably.

Right, so they might not be looking for us. Yeah, we might be cool.
Yeah. Okay, so you want me to just move it? Yeah.
Alright. Norm, as you rush up.
We got spells and shit, we can talk our way out of it. I would like you to roll an athletics check.
They're looking for two people. Plus seven.
Five plus seven. Five plus seven is just enough with a twelve you start to pull the big trunk and branches of this tree to the side just as you're putting the most effort into it to roll it out of the way suddenly arrows begin flying out of the trees towards you norman With advantage because we did not see who these were in the trees.
Damn it. The first attack against you is going to be a total of a 22.
Oh, no. Fuck you, Hank.
I'll remember this. The second arrow is only going to be a 13.
Can I ask, is your armor class written? No, I don't think it is, but a 13 I know is not enough to hit your armor class. And then the next attack would be How many attacks are there? There are three attacks coming your way right now.
Is going to be a 15. That is just barely a hit against you.
So as the first arrow hits you, it is going to be dealing five points of damage. The second arrow is going to be dealing a total of eight points of damage to you.
That's 13 damage against you. But I'm happy to say you're not even bloodied yet.
You have so many hit points. If you look at the top of your sheet, you have like 55 hit points.
13 damage is not a problem for you. So I'm 13 right now? Absolutely.
You took 13 points of damage and if you start raging

as soon as you can on your turn

then you'll start taking half

damage from any further arrows

that come your way. So I'm gonna ask

us all to roll into initiative again. Again

it's plus 2 for everybody except

for the wizard who has a plus 3 and the paladin

who has a minus 1. But if

you put yourselves back into initiative we will see

if we can deal with these archers. I'm a nine.
Nine. I'm six.
For Wayne. And is that a six before your plus two? That's a six before my plus two.
All right, so you have an eight total, Norm. I'm a 12 plus two.
12 plus two, so that's a 14 for Ehrlich. And Wayne, was yours a nine before or after the plus two? Nine.
It was straight up a nine. Straight up a nine.
So you actually got 11 total. He's a nine, but he's a dwarf.
Absolutely. So you got a plus two from your dexterity.
And Ehrlich, I got you in as a 14. And Cake, how did you do on your roll? Six plus three.
Six plus three. So a nine.
Ooh, we're kind of clustered in the middle here. Okay.
And then Ehrlich got you. So our paladin, Greg, how did you do? I rolled a 20.
20! There you go. Nice job, Greg.
It will be a minus one, but still a 19 is huge. For Greg, you're going to be able to leap right into action.
And I am going to roll for these figures in the trees that we are getting a glimpse at. It looks like there are some goblins in the trees watching us.
They have skull caps on. They have green mottled skin.
And they're getting ready to riddle us with arrows again. But their turn, luckily for us, is last in initiative.
They're going after Norm. Just barely after Norm.
So Greg, you actually get to go first right now. Your biggest problem at the moment is unfortunately these goblins are up in the trees.
So to get to them, you would need to climb up to them first or use ranged weapons against them. And your weapons are kind of in the top right here.
So you do have some ranged options. Your javelins, you could throw at range distance right now.

Or you could try to climb up

to use your more effective melee weapons in theory.

When do my flaws come into play?

Your flaws are yours to decide.

There are some advised flaws here

and personality traits,

but you get to decide

whether those are true or not.

Those are just recommended choices.

I have an insatiable desire for carnal pleasures. This is a fact about the human paladin that he wrestles with this carnal pleasure, apparently.
Bonk. I'm so afraid of death, I need to get one more lay in.
Absolutely, yes. I'm going to try to fuck cake.
Okay, absolutely. You are feeling overcome by your carnal desire.
I'm going to ask, when you say you you are trying to fuck cake do you mean you are just trying to approach him right now and do this or you're trying to convince him this is a good idea convince him I'm trying to get consent for fucking I would like to know number one what you're saying but number two what your persuasion skill is oh wow you're very persuasive you have a plus six on on this. You're a handsome man.
I turn into a cartoon wolf and my tongue rolls out of my mouth. Yes! Absolutely.
And I use the tuna can lid to get it back in. Absolutely.
You're kind of seeing ahead of you, Cake is getting spells at the ready. Yeah, he is.
It looks hot. His ass is jiggling in that robe.
He knows what he's doing. Absolutely.
What are you going to say to Cake? Combat has just broken out. And you're fucking.
I'm going to bite my bottom lip and just say, wow. That's actually very good.
That's all you say 100%. Make a persuasion check.
Seven. I thought it was a one.
With a plus six. That is not as bad as it could have been a 1 would have been very good right now honestly but a 13 I'm going to say with a 13 I will not force cake to make a wisdom saving throw it's not seductive enough that he is in that position but cake I ask you, how are you responding to this sort of advance?

So he wants to have sex with me?

It's clear what he's doing is biting his bottom lip

and just saying, wow,

and it's enough that you can tell it's directed at you.

It was provocative enough you looked back

and you saw the look on his face.

Just let him give you a head.

Don't be a prude.

You know, I can't lie about what's going on something's going on downstairs so now i will ask if that is the case are you trying to hide this and play hard to get yeah i don't know if i have the balls to do that so i'm just gonna straight up tell him it's on it's true charisma is not your strong suit and so it'd be hard for you to hide the feelings that you're having right now i like telling the truth straight up absolutely what do you tell him i tell him let's do it absolutely i'm gonna roll for the goblins real quick and the goblins are like what the fuck is going on they immediately understand there's some arousal going on here and they are like well and they're so thrown off their game immediately you you hear uh i think someone here does speak goblin i think it would be the barbarian you can tell that the goblins are saying wait do we we still we still fight them and the other goblins are like yeah yes i don't know what they're doing right now uh. And the goblins are getting disadvantaged on any attack rolls they do because they're so thrown off their game.
It sounds like they're a little into it. I think we're attacking the wrong group.
These guys are just in love. And I'm going to say that only has eaten up your bonus action so far right now, Paladin.
So you've eaten up at least your bonus action. Was there anything else you wanted to do on your turn right now? I would like to lay my hands on Big Cat to heal him.
Absolutely. You can rush up to Big Cat, who is about 30 feet ahead of you, so use your move to rush up to Norm the Barbarian, and you can use your lay on hands ability.
Now I have to ask, since I don't think you have time to explain what you're doing, Norm the Barbarian, after what you just witnessed with your passive perception, you let me know how you're responding to this. All you see is the paladin turn, maybe with his lips still biting a little bit, and he rushes towards you with his hands out and glowing.
How do you respond to this? I take my pants off. Absolutely.
You immediately start taking your pants off. Then with glowing hands, I will ask Greg, what do you do? You're about to do a lay on hands.
Where do you wish to touch Norm the Barlierian? Pinky on each of his balls. Pinky on each of his balls.
You just go over. Like charging a car.
They're just glowing with sparking radiant life energy and you feel the biggest surge that you've ever felt through your testes and immediately your wounds are restored if you give him 13 points of health which you have up to you can give up to 25 health you wouldn't need to more than 13. So you still have 12 saved up in the battery,

but you heal Norm for all of the 13 damage that he has taken.

Oh, it just surges through your body, Norm,

and your wounds begin to close one by one.

I never felt like that before.

Yep, that was great.

Absolutely.

Best I've ever had.

Yeah.

And that is your move, your action. Greg, that is your whole turn.
Well done. Thank you.
Great turn. Amazing turn, honestly.
I don't know if we give like star of the night, but that turn. Wow.
I got late. Did I fuck cake? Yeah.
Not yet. Oh.
Okay. You seduced cake successfully, it seems, with your bonus action.
I think you drive. Whenever you want it.
Anywhere, any hole. So Jake got you going and you just gave it all the big thing.
Yeah, I did. I transferred it over.
I'll say a combat turn in D&D is only six seconds, so I would not do you the insult of saying that you have fuck cake yet because that would take many turns, I imagine. He's very efficient.
Patino. Maybe, maybe, certainly.
Might only take one turn, but it would have to be your next turn because you already used your bonus action to seduce. This is actually an incredible turn, then using your move and action to go heal Norm and your seduction through the goblins off.
I don't think that's better than I could have expected as a turn so efficiently. And that would bring us to Ehrlich next.
Ehrlich, in theory, you can still see three goblins up in the trees, but they're not even sure if they want to fight us anymore after what they've been seeing so far in just the paladin's turn. Yeah, I feel like we should probably just try and keep...
They're thrown off now. They wanted to fight, but that's kind of over.
Should we just cast a spell on them and kind of get rid of them? Get them away? Yeah, I'm down. Just keep on moving.
Remember, we gotta kill the brothers. Right, like we were kind of about to fight them, but now that we're away from fighting them, we should just, you know, stay away and move on with the journey.
Yes, I agree. What if you cast a spell that made them all want to fuck each other, and then we just got away while they were just tail to tail? That'd be great.
Yeah, maybe an inspiration spell, like what they saw with Jake and Cake and Nick. Yeah, make them get in like big circle where every everyone's got a man in front of them and it all connects yeah you have some spells that would help here I think you have the spell an illusion spell possibly listed under your spells yep and you may even have a charming spell charm person yes a charm person could convince one goblin to become your best friend or something else, or to fall in love with either you or somebody else.
And if you have Minor Illusion, Minor Illusion can create an image or a sound that might arouse the goblins, potentially. I don't see the Minor Illusion.
Charm Person might be the one you want to work with. Yeah, I agree.
Absolutely. So I'm going to say that you can use Charm Person on one of of the goblins and if you get it to do something in particular the other goblins might follow lead potentially and what were you going to try to convince the goblin to do with charm person jerk off jerk off absolutely i'm going to say that's so easy to convince a goblin to do that it's going to have disadvantage on its saving throw right now and And so, oh my gosh, the goblin has rolled extremely well.
And the goblin, as you tell it, hey, listen, it looks like you should just be, you know, enjoying yourself right now. The goblin starts to, like, reach down a little bit and then starts blinking his head like, no, no, no, and reaches for his sword instead.
Is there anything you would try to say to maybe, you know what? No, he was thrown off. I got to roll one more time because he's so interested in what's going on here with these two.
I said he would have disadvantage on stuff. This counts.
So that's an extra disadvantage. That is enough with a 10 total.
That is not going to be enough. At first, he starts reaching for his sword instead.
He says, I'm not going to do that. And then he looks at the paladin turning back to cake and cake kind of blushing a little bit.
And he just goes, ah, and starts reaching down, kind of just fondling his loincloth a little bit. And then the other goblins turn in amazement to the other goblin friend.
And I'm going to roll saving throws for the two of them. Both of them start going over to the other goblin.
And they're leaping from tree to tree. And as they get close, Norm can hear them saying in goblin, I didn't know you felt this way.
Let's all hang out together. And the goblins start to pile on to each other.
It seems like they are about to have a goblin three-way amongst themselves at the moment. Gorgy.
And they are very, very busy at this point. Well done, Ehrlich.
That was your action. Anything you want to do with your move or your bonus here? Is there any intuition check we can get on the brothers? Oh, interesting.
What do you want to know about the brothers? Where are they? they make a history check on the rock seeker brothers that's a great point we're now strategizing for our rival and phandal and go ahead and make a history check on that 11 11 plus i think you had a plus five for history is that right okay with a 16 you recall that the rock seeker brothers because we were about to work for them in theory, have a shop that they work out of called Old Barthin's Provisions. Old Barthin is a human who went into business with the Rock Seeker brothers.
They run the shop while he helped like kind of kickstart the shop and he works kind of the the front uh um uh desk while they work the the back store rooms and stuff so old barthens provisions in the town of phandalin is where you want to go if you want to go straight to the rock seeker brothers without anybody seeing you because it's just outside of town in fact no one will see you if you go straight to the shop yeah i think that's a that's that's that right? Absolutely. I will ask then, the goblins are busy at the moment.
We have a window of opportunity to just get around this log and keep going. Do we want to do anything else here with these goblins? No, let's let them fuck.
Absolutely. We hear the goblins' sounds of love disappearing into the distance behind us as we ride onward past the ambush that they had set up apparently for Sildar and Gundren, maybe.
And we ride hard for the village of Phandalin. We can see up ahead old Barthun's provisions, and we can even see an old man with kind of a bald spot cleaning the windows inside.
And he sees us on the way, and he kind of scratches his head a little bit. It's obvious without any insight check he's probably wondering where the Rockseeker brother Gundren and Sildar are right now.
That's who he's expecting at the moment. You know, he might recognize the horses too because they belong to the brothers.
It's almost like he's looking behind us at the horse and the pony right now. He doesn't recognize the dickier guy? Well, we I imagine we didn't immediately Do we have the head out right now? Sure.
Is that head on display? Then I'm gonna roll to make sure that Barthin sees it. Barthin sees it.
His eyes go wide. And then he starts to shudder up all the windows inside.
Okay. I, I want to commit arson.
Yeah. So, you know what? Might be smoke them out.
You know what might be a good move? We have no sneak attack. Do we have any way of, like, turning the horse into a bomb and then making it charge through the front door and explode? Interesting.
Okay. Here's the thing.
We already have a bomb spell called Fireball that two of our characters can cast, but the problem with Fireball is the best we can do is throw it at the door. But if a horse were to charge the door and knock it down, then all of a sudden we would be able to throw a Fireball not against the door, but into the shop.
And if we threw a Fireball into the shop, everything inside would get destroyed. Sounds like we don't want to do that.
Sounds like there might be something in that shop. Yeah, so we just gotta go and we gotta storm the shop.
We have the map. Yeah, that's true.
Fuck it. There would be valuable...
What's going on inside the shop? Are they conducting some sort of electoral vote and we need to all charge it? Oh, we see. It sounds like the town hall might be further into town, potentially.
But we do see Barthin trying to shutter up the windows, but it seems like it's just him. I would say that we don't hear anything else unless we are making perception checks to try to detect what else might be going on in there.
But it seems like the only thing that will be destroyed is Barthin and any supplies that they were selling in the front room of the shop but the brothers are out and about well the brothers we think are in this shop but we're also aware there's a back room and so they might get injured if they're in the back room but they might not get killed if they're in the back room they might though we don't know for sure we don't see the brothers at the moment i don't I don't really have a problem with the guy that's running the shop right now.

It seems like he's just a businessman.

What if we went in?

The brothers are the ones that we're afraid of, right?

Like we're afraid what they might do if they find out that we killed their brother.

Well, we showed them the head.

Barth and saw the head.

Barth and saw it, but the brothers didn't.

The brothers didn't.

What if we sent one of the horses up to the back door and had it use its hoof gently scratching and be like, please let me in. You recognize me.
And then we can use that to storm inside the back. Oh, I like it.
Absolutely. That could absolutely work.
Like some sort of a horse that deceives somebody into letting them into their city. To get a horse to do that? Yeah, absolutely.
You could make an animal handling check to see if you can command the horse to do that. So whoever's good at animal handling, Norm might be good at animal handling.
I'm plus four. You have a plus four on this.
So Norm, you could try to convince the horse that what it needs to do is go up to the back door and kind of paw its head and hooves against that door. Three.
Damn. Let's see.
Yeah, you don't have

advantage with this horse right now. The horse

starts walking up to the

back door, and then we see it just

stand there. Just awkwardly

standing there, looking around. Not a very

smart horse. But, that was

Sildar's horse. You have

one more chance, because there's a pony

as well. This is Gundren's pony now.

Seven. Seven.
Plus four. And 11 is just enough.
This time we're watching from a distance. We see Barthun finish shuttering up the windows.
And it looks like he's locking the front door. And then we don't see whatever else is happening inside.
But we do see this pony walk up to the back door. We're like, come on.
Come on. buddy and then he just bonk bonks his head against the door and we see a dwarf who looks familiar he looks like gundrin opens up the back door and then he goes and he starts whispering to the pony he's looking at the pony he sees the saddle he sees the bridle and he starts get upset.
He climbs on the pony's back like he's checking all over this pony for a sign of what might happen and then his brother comes walking out as well. Got them both.
And then I'm going to roll to see if Barthin opens the back door to talk to them or not. He does.
You see them start to turn to look back into the shop and it's clear that someone is shouting at them right now and they're kind of looking at each other with confusion so they're in the backyard on this pony looking at somebody inside barth and we would assume who's telling them something. We don't know what exactly.
Wait, what about what's Wayne? Because he still looks like Sildar. What if he's like, hey guys, it's me, Sildar.
You could try that right now. We've got to convince Wayne to go up there.
Yeah, so what kind of creatures are they? What's their species? It seems like these are two dwarves. Dwarves just like you, who are on the back of the pony, and then Barthin's a human.

What are dwarves like?

What's their motivation?

Dwarves love mining.

They love digging.

They love gold.

What if I just start digging a hole?

Because guys love to dig holes.

We also have 140 coins.

That's true.

Yeah, that's true.

But I feel like the drive to dig a hole is higher. We can give it to them and then kill them.
We're taking the money back. That's true.
It's not a prostitute in GTA. But are they going to want to take money from me because they know that we've got their brother's head now? They don't know that yet.
They haven't seen the head just yet, but Barthin seems to be telling them something.

And I feel like that's a... No, but Barthin has seen the head.

Right.

Let's try to convince him we just found the head.

I feel like that's kind of the first thing he would say.

Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Hey, this belonged to you.

Hey, it's me, Sildar.

Your brother's head is right here.

We were hanging out, and then this happened.

He smoked pot.

Okay, how about this?

Don't smoke weed.

How about I go up to him, and I do that. I say, like, hey, I found this out in the woods.
I'm trying to find its owner. Does anybody know like the guy that has the dick ear? And then I start digging a hole in hopes that they'll just be like, yo, that looks awesome.
I'd like to dig a hole with the guy. Absolutely.
I will go ahead and say as you walk up, are you bringing the head with you? Yeah. Absolutely.
Cake, are you handing the head over to him absolutely give me head as you walk over you are now getting advantage on a deception check to convince them now i will also ask are you still wearing sildur's yeah yeah it's kind of my thing now okay are you claiming that you found both of these things the skin that you're wearing you should pretend to be sildur iildar, but I'm like, yo, I found this head that looks just like mine, because I'm Sildar, except this one's got a dick for an ear. Okay.
You're saying, so this is my friend Gundren, because I'm Sildar. This is Gundren's head.
Oh, yeah. So you can be like, I'm Sildar and my friend Gundren died.
I found him like this. Maybe you didn't know how he got like this.
And if you roll ball on Deception, they will not only believe that, they'll also believe you're Sildar. Also, maybe tell them you had a bad night of sleep or something.
Keep it on the table. When they're like, you look like shit.
With a four, as you are walking up saying, you're trying to do Sildar's voice. You have a plus six on this.
You got a ten. And at and at first they're like is that Sildar? I have a plus 8 on Deception oh you have a plus 8 so you got a 12 total but that's such an easy roll PFT shut the fuck up Hank the brothers are rolling well enough and let me just confirm Barthin as well yes both of them start to look in fear at first one of one of the brothers goes, is that Sildar? And the other brother goes, no, it's not.
And you hold up like, listen, I just found him like this. I'm going to say canonically, you got confused and you're like, this is my, wait, right, I'm Sildar and this is Gundren and I found him like this.
Do you know Dickir here? And they're just like shaking their heads like, no, no, no. And they start to back away on the pony and you see Barthun poke his head out the back door and just go, ha, ha, ha.
Look at the brothers who are like, we got a ride. And he's just like, I got to shut this back door and try to barricade in here.
They're very afraid of you. What would you like to do? You still could do an action if you want to cast a spell or do something here.
I feel like I got to get into that store, right? Yeah. Like we got to find out what's inside.
We got to. If he's shutting the door, you need something to stop him from shutting it.
Maybe a head. With a penis.
Yeah, or, yeah, I like that. Slip his penis in there.
What if I just huck the head, the human head, at the door as it's closing? You can huck the head. You'll have advantage because that's so surprising.
They're not expecting that. And you have a little, like, web to help chuck it.
And so go ahead and roll two D20s and take the higher number to see if you huck the head into the closing door. All right, first one is a 20.
A 20, absolutely! I think I'll take that one. Hank, how was that? Was that okay for you? My name's Ehrlich.
Ehrlich wouldn't be able to see the 20. With a critical hit, you not only huck the head through the door, I'm going to give you a choice.
Do you want to wedge the door open, or do you want to knock Barthin back with it so that he can't shut the door at all? I would like... If it's wedged open, then it's just wedged open.
If it knocks him back, then it won't be wedged open at all, but he all but he's not i would like to hit him in the face with the head specifically the penis part of the head okay yes have it bounce off his head and get stuck in the door absolutely we'll do that it will knock him back a little bit but no damage because he's hit with the soft part of this head as it were against it absolutely yeah just touches his tongue and then bounces off just a little bit And he's like, eh, it got in my mouth. And then it wedges in the doorway as he's trying to tug it shut.
The door is not locked now. You can run over and like help hold the door open potentially.
Then that's what I'm going to do. Absolutely.
In that case, I'm going to keep us in the same initiative then right now from our previous encounter. Wayne, you just went.
Cake and then Norm, you'd be up then. And then these dwarves and Barthin will get a chance to do something.
So Cake, what would you like to do? You see all this happening. The two dwarves are about to ride off for town, it looks like.
Barthin is still trying to barricade himself in the house but it's obviously not going very well i need it i need to save him well we got to stop the dwarves and get in the house between the two of us am i doing a pretty good job holding the door you're doing a great job okay so i got the door so don't worry about that what's our priority with the dwarves and i'll go in the door with with wayne okay i'll distract the dwarves. You can distract the dwarves.
I'll also tell you that this is maybe the furthest distance from the town or the closest you could be to town where a spell would not be heard or noticed by people in the town. Like you can kind of see the rest of the village, but if you were to throw a fireball, you don't think the villagers would necessarily hear or see it.
Should we just smoke them out now that we know they're in there? Well, no, they're outside. They're outside.
The dwarves are right outside on a pony. Alright.
Should we hurt the dwarves or just distract them? We're going to have to kill them eventually because remember, we killed their brother and put a penis on his face. Right.
So let's distract them. You could definitely distract them if you want to.
You could use one of your spells potentially to distract him or do something else to distract him. Or should we try and thunderclap them? Thunderclap.
Thunderclap! Thunderclap if you rush up to them. Thunderclap hurts.
You could cast Thunderclap. Are you doing Thunderclap or Thunder Wave? Thunderclap hits everybody around you with a little burst of thunder.

Thunder wave deals more damage and throws them backward,

potentially off the pony.

Thunder wave.

Thunder wave.

You run up giving them your fust rodat.

Do you clap your hands together or do you shout?

What does your thunder wave look like?

I scream, I'm the best one here.

Absolutely.

You run up, I'm the best one here! And they immediately need to make saving throws. One of them got a total of a 15.
That's just barely enough for half damage. The other one failed his saving throw, the brother in the back.
The horse then rears up. Ah, the pony also just barely passed its saving throw and will take half damage.
But your damage with your Thunder Wave depends on what level you cast it at. At first level, it deals 2d8.
But right now, you have second and third level spell slots, and if you upcast a Thunder Wave, it gets an extra d8 for every level that you upcast it by. So do you want to do first level, second level, or third level Thunder Wave? Let's go all the way.
All the way, absolutely. That's going to be four of the D8s.
That's the one shaped kind of like this. If you roll that one four times and add it all up, that's your Thunder Damage.
So four four tries? Yes. Yeah, but those are sixes.
Two. Two so far.

Six.

Six.

That brings us eight so far.

Four.

Twelve so far.

Five.

Five. So 17 damage is enough that one of the brothers is utterly slain,

and the other brother is down to one hit point left.

He is so close to going down because even with half damage, that was eight damage against him and he only had nine hit points. One of the brothers goes flying through the air and impales on a piece of the rooftop of the shop.
The other brother goes skipping along the ground a little bit. He just fell off his horse and then then the pony is about halfway dead and immediately starts running off towards the town.
But that's just a pony. He's not telling anybody anything.
And, Cake, that would bring us from your turn, then, to Norm's turn next. So I got to get in there and help Wayne.
Absolutely. So we got to grab Barthanen or whatever the fuck his name is.
Barthanen is trying to shut the right now. So I'm coming through.
And there's one dwarf with one hit point out. Barthinin's a human? Absolutely.
He is a human. He's an older human gentleman.
Seems like he's even weaker than the two dwarven brothers. So you can easily elbow the door open, no problem.
He immediately puts his hands up in the air. Ha, ha, ha.
And you can see the back room of his shop. It's got all these cool adventuring supplies and stuff, but otherwise a fairly ordinary place.
And he seems like he's trying to surrender to you. He's like, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Please leave me alone.
I want to smash this. Absolutely.
Are you doing a reckless attack or a regular attack? Yeah, let's get reckless with it. Absolutely.
You're going reckless. Are you also raging? Oh, yeah.
Absolutely. Give it to me all.
Go ahead and roll two d20s for your first attack. 19.
19 is already great. Just roll one more time to make sure it's not a crit.
16. A 19 plus your attack bonus is going to be such a solid hit against Barth.
And you can roll the d12 plus six, but he only has seven hit points. So with your first attack.
Eight. It's guaranteed.
Boom. You've got 14 damage.
How do you slay Bartha? Okay, so he had his hands up? Yes. All right, so I want to cut off both of his hands.
Boom, done. And then shove them down his throat.
Absolutely. You catch his hands and in one death maneuver, shove them both down his throat.
Ah, ah, ah. And he falls over dead to the ground.
Nice. All is quiet in the shop.
You can see the door that leads to the front room. There was no other shopkeepers here, no awkward family members, no one else to take care of except one dwarf with one hit point outside.
Did he have a family? Yeah, because we can't have any license here. We can't have any license here.
That we need to take care of luckily for us. Pets? Anyone that would care if he died.
If he has friends, they're all in the village right now, pretty far away right now. And for the record, just so we're on the same page here, Cake had to leave because he's taking a shit right now.
He's got bad bowels after the thunderclap. It was a powerful thunderclap.
It obviously knocked some things out besides just wind. Okay.
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Find all one bars at a retailer near you or on amazon.com absolutely he's got problems he's got a big problem all right so now we're now we're in the shop right yeah you're in the shop successfully you've slain barthin technically you have another attack and because you are a barbarian at fifth level you have fast movement you can do whatever you want with the of your turn, but technically I feel obliged to let you know you could run back out of the shop and deal your last one attack that you get right now against the dwarf, or you can do something else. Yeah, let's kill the dwarf.
Absolutely. Let's kill the dwarf.
You can run out, and this next attack, if you're going reckless, I'm going to give three D20 rolls on because he's prone on the Six. That gives you another advantage.
Should we put his dick on his ear just so he dies like his brother? Or shove the pony up his ass. Twelve.
The little pony. Twelve.
Plus six bonus. He's definitely going to be a hit, and he only had one hit point left, so don't even worry about rolling damage.
You slay the last of the Rock Seeker brothers. We just killed everyone, Jake.
He was just about to get up. He was literally in the process of standing up and trying to call out to the town below like he was hoping if he shouted loud enough, but instead there is just the axe going through his neck.
And you see in the distance, the villagers kind of maybe starting to move around the town a little bit. Nobody heard that thunder wave spell.
So nobody looks up. All is quiet around Barth and Spirvisions.
Except the people probably in the stall next to you. Took a short rest.
No, not what you think it was. Oh, okay.
And in that case, all is quiet in the shop. We can do whatever we want here, but we've eliminated the witnesses who would have been waiting for the Rock Seeker brothers, and we have the map that would lead us to Wave Echo Cave.
You want to rummage around real quick, see what's in the shop? But then we should get to Wave Echo Cave. We've killed their entire bloodline.
We should, but there's something going on in the shop. Okay.
They're doing something in the back room. Yeah.
Let's check

out the shop. What are they doing? Everybody here

can either make a perception or

investigate check to look around for any clues

of what might be going on in

this shop, if you are curious about.

19. 19.

18. 18.
And do you have any

skills, perception, or investigation?

I got plus one on perception.

So that's a 20 for you? Is that right? 18 plus one is not. We both got 19.
19 and 19. Yeah, I got a one.
A one, I'm sorry to say. Good roll, Hank.
My rolls have been bad today, I can't lie. Ehrlich, as you move around, you are checking underneath one shelf and all of a sudden all these mining picks start to fall towards your head.
Please make a dexterity saving throw. I hope it kills you.
I thought we were a team. Well, then Hank fucking made me go up to that fucking log in the middle of the road and get shot.
He keeps talking shit about my rolls. I mean, your rolls suck.
16. 16.
With a 16, that is just enough. A 15 or higher dodges you out of the way before any of the mining picks fall on your head, luckily.
And you, unfortunately, are not finding anything else. The 19s are going to turn up something, but I'm wondering, did anybody get higher? How do I do a perception roll? A perception roll would be a d20 plus your wisdom bonus, a plus two, since you don't have perception.
16, 18. 18.
18 is going to turn up the same stuff they're turning up with a 19. I got a 3.
3. So with your investigate skill, even with it being very good, you're just looking around, criticizing like the inside of this shop is like obviously dwarves and humans like running this place.
It's not very clean and nice. It's like a TGI Fridays.
Absolutely. Or Burlington Coat Factory.
Yeah, exactly. You three are finding some notes around here that are indicating that Barthin and the Rockseeker brothers were exchanging letters when they were kind of running their businesses here and in Neverwinter, they had to exchange a lot of letters.
And it's clear that they've been looking for Wave Echo Cave for a long time. But the letters also make it clear that they're aware someone else is definitely looking for Wave Echo Cave.
This sounds like the plot to National Treasure. Like we just killed Nicolas Cage almost.
Yes, it seems like we killed the good guys who were looking for Wave Echo Cave. Quote, unquote, matter of perspective.
They were the ones looking for Wave Echo Cave, and it's clear that there is another person that they don't know who it is. All they've encountered is attacks from goblins, and then one human who tried to assassinate Barthin.
He was apparently part of the local thieves' guild who wear this red band on their arms to identify themselves. And they kind of caught this individual and interrogated them a little bit.
But the only thing he was willing to confess before they turned him over to the town guard was that he worked for an individual known as the Black Spider. and whoever the black spider is they don't know but Barthin and the Rockseeker brothers knew that

the only reason they would be getting messed with by him is because this black spider must know they were looking for wave echo cave and he wanted to find it too and apparently had goblins and thieves in town working for him it seems that is all you are learning with an 18 and a 19 from these letters. We don't really have any other recourse but to go to the cave, right? Yeah, let's get to the cave.
We gotta burn this house down. Bring the bodies inside.
Bring the bodies in and start a fire. It will be a convincing...
Let's keep the head with the dick on it. Okay, that's our calling souvenir.
It's like the wet bandits. We want to make sure we have that.
Absolutely. We take that as our souvenir.
Otherwise, all other evidence of our crimes will be burned down along with this town, along with this house. Is the head dented at all from being wedged in the door? I'm going to roll for the head to see how dented it is.
The head is badly dented. It has this huge crack down it and the imprint of a doorknob in one of the eyes.
Can we put the penis into the crack? The penis is just squished against the side and has sort of the imprint of Barthin's face on it. Okay.
It's going to be okay. It's like cutting a tree in half.
We can read how old this time is. Absolutely.
Exactly like that. 100%.
Okay. So, yeah, I think we burn the place down, and we tie the head up to a tree outside.
No, I think we take it with us. We don't leave it behind as a warning? No, I think every time we roll up somewhere, we're like, yo, look at this.
This is what we're capable of. Okay, yeah.
Dwarven head, yes, absolutely.

Now, at this point, I just want to go over to Greg real quick.

And Greg, I'm not the one to tell you that your god is angry with you because we have not determined or I've not heard whether the god you follow is good or evil.

So I'm going to ask, as you look into the flames, what would your god or whatever oath you have pledged, how would you be feeling about what we have done so far as a paladin?

Typically paladins follow the path of heroism and do good to protect innocent people.

What are the thoughts going through Greg's head?

My god has never been more proud of me.

Absolutely.

I love it.

100%.

We'll figure out who that god is exactly.

Do you think that god is evil or good I am I think he's good absolutely I love it and I'm trying to think there are gods who follow the law who are also evil but there are also lawful good gods who are very strict when it comes to keeping secrets and things like that do you think you follow one of the latter gods perhaps uh i think it's it's the the first one it's an evil god but i think it's it's the right thing to do love it absolutely there is a god known as bane and bane is essentially sauron he's like people say i'm evil but when i in charge, the law gets followed because everyone has to follow the laws.

Do you think you are a paladin of Bane?

I've worshipped Bane my whole life.

Absolutely.

As a paladin of Bane, you are kind of a dark knight is the vibes that you give off.

I feel like there's a theme here.

And Bane definitely is telling you, I approve of everything you have done here. These people were weak.
If they were strong, they could have defended their map. It goes to the people who can control.
Me? No. Tim.
He said if they were weak, they would have been able to defend themselves. Bane is definitely victim-shaming right now.
I'm sorry to say. Sounds like a real junker.
As a bit of a stickler for, you know, the law protects those who are strong. He's the Old Testament guy.
Yeah, very much so. He's like punishment where punishment is warranted.
We pulled a two-face. Yeah, we did.
We did. We flipped a coin.
And also that guy has a face imprinted on his face. Absolutely.
It's very Batman-like. And there is nothing stopping us from just going to Wave Echo Cave now.
Let's go. Let's hit the road.
As we navigate our way to Wave Echo Cave, I am going to need somebody here to make a survival check. If you make a survival check, you would have advantage due to the map, but I think Norm might be the only person who even has the survival skill.
I do. If anybody here has it.
I have plus four survival. So unless somebody has a plus four wisdom or better,

Norm is going to be the best on this.

Okay, here we go.

Two times.

Seven, not great.

Come on.

Six.

Six.

With a plus four, so that's an 11 total.

Norm, with an 11,

I will give you at least a little bit of advance notice.

Make a perception or stealth check since you're leading the way. I want to see what you notice here.
11. 11 plus, which is better? Your stealth is only plus 2.
So I imagine your perception is better than that. I don't have perception.
You don't have perception. That's also only a plus 2.
So you with an 11 got a 13, whatever you're rolling. And that's just enough that you know up ahead there are some orcs who have made camp you think you got off the trail unfortunately you're going up into the mountains and you've stumbled across some orcs by accident okay now if you make another survival check to go around them you can avoid these orcs completely because they haven't spotted you yet.
So you still have advantage roll. Another two survival checks.
Nine. Six.
With a nine plus, you said you had plus three, right. We determined you had, no, what was your survival you said? Plus four.
Plus four! With a nine plus four, a thirteen is just enough to find a Valk and not to have the orcs following you there. I was so tired of killing people.
Well done! It was getting very close. Absolutely.
And you can tell up ahead there is a cave entrance marked with ancient runes that leads into Wave Echo Cave, it seems. With our dark vision, for the people who have dark vision, like our elves and our dwarves, you can see inside that there is a chasm, a pit that drops off as soon as you're inside this cave.
And on the other side, there's two ledges on the other side of the pit. There's a ledge that leads to the north, and there's a ledge that leads to the east.
We're kind of approaching into this cave from the southwest.

So we're heading northeast into this

cave, and if we get across this pit,

there's a ledge to the north,

and there's a ledge to the east, but

no obvious signs of a

way to get to those two

ledges. What would we like to do?

How do we get

past the giant hole? Can we walk across Cake's web? Cake's web would create enough tension for us to walk across maybe using our hands and our feet, but here's the problem. It's also very sticky.
And very flammable. That hasn't come up yet, but that's an important maybe the most important detail.
Do we know what's at the bottom of this hole? We don't know what's at the bottom of the hole. All we can see is like some moisture and spikes of stone, stalagmites.
Can I grab like a huge tree and make it as a bridge for us? Absolutely. You can use your athletics right now to try to tear down a tree or grab a big log and set it up as a bridge.
Okay, let's do that. That would be your athletics skill.
All right, so I'm plus 7. Plus 7.
Go for it. Wow.
All you really need is a 15 or higher on this. I am him.
I got a 10. A 10 plus 7 is just enough that you carry over a log that is just big enough that you can lay it across to either lead to the north or the south, or sorry, or the east, and you can actually switch the log back and forth.
You still have to keep doing that now. Do we want to split up, switching it back and forth? Who's going over first? Not me.
I'll go. I'll take one for the team.
I think we should stick together, right? I do. All right, so we want to go north or east? I said we send Ulrich on his own.
Yeah. Why don't we all go north and Ulrich can go east? Maybe he can send his little girlfriend in the other hole.
Yeah. Alright, that works.
She's kind of killing the vibe, I'll be honest. This is supposed to be a boys trip.
Bring your girl. Now, Ehrlich, you can do whatever you want with Lola.
Lola's invisible right now, so no one will really see where Lola goes in theory. It's tough for me to say what I really want to do, because they're listening.
No, say it. Can I go join the...
Can I go ahead of the cave and booby-trap them? What? Interesting. Alright, Hank's dead.
Hank's just on his death. Now, no one knows that this is happening unless Lola gets spotted.
Now, it's obvious to me that they want to know this is happening, so I'm going to ask for a stealth check from Lola. I see her right there.
To make sure that she's not getting seen as she... Stealth plus five.
If you were to sneak ahead, you would need the invisibility spell almost definitely. I don't think you have that, but maybe you do.
Otherwise, Lola does turn invisible. I have a disguise self.
Oh, disguise self? That would have been been good to know. You would have been able to look like whoever you want.
You can change your appearance to look like whoever you want. Anyone in the party or anybody else.
Strength in numbers. I would kind of like to come back as the dickhead guy and then murder them.
So it's like a ghost is coming for them. Absolutely.
They will not see

this coming, probably, because you'll

cast Disguise Self. I see it.
I see it right now.

Are you casting it right now on

yourself when they can see you, or are you waiting

for the right thing? No, I think I want to go in the separate

hole, which they banish me on, and get ahead

of them, and then when they open, come to the

cave. Absolutely.

So you'll be able to do that. Low-key, though,

keep this between us. Absolutely.

100%. So you're going to go off on

the separate cave. Where the not not willingly like they well now we're gonna follow him what do you mean not willingly we just sent your girlfriend off yeah let's follow her like a little simp let's follow her i'm gonna say first my first question will be is l going ahead of you? Or is Lola sticking with you right now?

Sticking with me.

Sticking with you.

Of course.

Perfect.

So, since we don't have any evidence.

Yes, I'm really jealous.

That he's doing any kind of plan, I got to have us stick to our original plan right now.

And he's splitting off from the rest of us.

Okay, that's fair.

Let me just check.

Which way did we go?

North or east?

We went north.

He went east.

He went east.

So, you're going east.

I want to invite you first to make a perception check as you cross the bridge, and now the bridge is getting swapped behind you. 13.
13, and do you have a perception skill bonus? Otherwise it's just plus zero for you then. With a 13, I will say you get to the other side, and you can see with your dark vision three different ways you could go.
There's tunnels, carved tunnels here. Not natural cave tunnels, but tunnels that looks like dwarves made.
There is a tunnel to the south. There is a tunnel further east, and there is a tunnel to the north that ends in a door.
The tunnel to the south seems to have noises coming from it that sound like clattering, like a movement of maybe bones to your north type noises not really

mincing it sounds more like scraping dragging of bones and then to your north you hear against that door a scraping scratching sound against the door of claws and then something else is eating in that room and then ahead, you smell but don't see or hear what smells like fungus smells coming from that direction. I feel like I want to go south.
I know the king of the south down there. He's an ally.
If I can run into him, that'd be good for me. I'm also going to give you a chance, make a history check to see if you are aware of something here.
Oh, fuck. There's also another D20, an orange one right there.
Did he take on the life form of the guy with the penis here? He hasn't changed yet. Okay.
18. Okay, with an 18.
Plus 5. Plus 5 for history.
That's enough to tell you that if you're trying to ambush your friends, then the way you want to go is north towards that door, because if they're going north, that's going to eventually, you think, intersect you with them. If you go south, you'll be going the furthest away from your friends.
Smart. Should have thought of that.
We'll go north. Absolutely.
You're not very smart. As you start going north, lodging out, that'll lead you back to intersect with your friends again.
You get right up to this door. Not friends.
Former friends. Your former friends.
You can hear loud scratching on the other side of the door like something's curious and is sniffing at the boards of the door on the other side. And then it sounds like other things further in the room are almost fighting amongst themselves over a meal.
You can make a perception check or you can shapeshift yourself right now. I'll go shapeshift.
I kind of want to, I need some friends, I need some new companions since I got ditched by my other ones. Absolutely.
Let's get in there and try and mix it up. You now use disguise self to look exactly like Gundren Rockseeker, who in fact is a little bit taller than you, because as a gnome, you're like this tall maybe.
You now have a projected image of Gundren Rockseeker around you, so unlike a tall spellcaster, you'd have to be very worried about somebody seeing where your head really is. So you have a very good disguise of Gundren now, and you are up against this strange doorway that seems like it was made by miners.
And that is going to bring us to the rest of the team. The rest of the team switches the log over to the northern path now, and they start crossing that bridge.
Actually, let me just see a quick D20 roll for you, Ehrlich, just making sure you made it across okay. How'd you do on that? Tenner.
Ten is fine. I would like to see the rest of you also just roll a D20.
I'm curious. So as to the layout of this tunnel that he's in right now,

he can only go back the way that he came in,

or are there other escapes?

There's only one way to go now.

Through this door or back to the intersection.

And did anyone get a five or less on this roll?

Yeah, I got a three.

Oh, no.

Okay, with a three, let me just check.

Do you have acrobatics or athletics as a skill? No. Okay, then right now, as you try to cross the bridge, you're about to fall into this pit unless somebody, and I would say there's only two people, the person in front of you and the person behind you.
I'll save his ass. Assuming Norm, you were in front, you can reach down to try to save him, make another D20 roll, and it's athletics 14 plus 7 gotcha plenty you catch wayne that's brotherhood before he falls and out of the pit what i mean the fact that you can't even climb over a fucking tree is go fuck your imaginary girlfriend yeah i'm gonna fuck her when i kill you it's a cat okay demon yeah it's a demon i'm gonna fuck her it could be you know.
It's a cat. No, it's a demon.
Yeah, it's a little demon. I'm going to fuck her.
It looks like a cat whenever they see it. Great.
And as you get caught... More pussy for me.
Shane Dawson. You're able to see what looked like black water down in that pit was reaching up towards you with oozy tendrils, and then it just sinks back down into the pit.
Once it realizes it is not going to get a meal out of you. We can tell this is some sort of ooze or pudding of some kind.
A sentient creature that no doubt would have devoured you with acid, Wayne. And you are safe on the bridge now, pulled across.
And you can see up ahead are all of these mining tunnels. Very narrow mining tunnels that just lead off in crazy random directions.
Most of them in dead ends. And it's clear that there were miners who had dug out all of these tunnels.
But we can see just navigating around a little bit. There's two ways to go out of these mining tunnels.
There is a route to the north with stairs that go down into some sort of a cave and then there is a tunnel to the east that ends in a door we don't know it but it looks very similar to the door that erlich is in front of yeah i mean we gotta go to that one yeah the stairs i don't feel like doing stairs because if you go down then you have to climb up eventually back up no doubt it looks like there is some sort of incline on the other side and we're smelling water from those stairs that is all yeah that's a dead end so let's go to that other tunnel and find Ehrlich and kill him as soon as you get to the end of that tunnel against that door where you had heard only maybe the sounds of two creatures fighting over a meal instead all of a sudden you hear, like something is scampering from one location to the other,

and then you hear scratching

against your door. Ehrlich, you

no longer hear scratching against your door

or sniffing.

Interesting. And what would people

like to do?

What's the fastest way to get to Hank and murder

him? My name is Ehrlich. Open the door.

We gotta open the door. How bad do we want

this treasure? Let's just take the whole fucking mountain down. I mean, my life's pretty good right now.
You don't want him to be buried alive? That would be nice. Yeah.
Or we could send Cake to take him out. You guys are so scared of doing anything on your own.
It's unbelievable. Let's open the door and fuck him up.
Alright, so we're opening the did you let him did you let him do that to you what he just he called you a pussy yeah that's fine i'm about to fucking kill him fuck his girl here's here's a pact between the brotherhood we gotta fuck lolita while hank's still alive i think that's fair yeah absolutely and if you are going to open the door, you can make an athletics check. The door is a little stuck right now.
Obviously, time and water damage have taken their toll upon this door. Okay, so what do I got to do? I'll get a D20 plus athletics to get this door open.
11 plus 7. That is plenty to get the door open.
You throw this door open, revealing a barracks of some kind. You think the miners, once upon a time, would have slept in these stone beds around here.
And there are two doors leading out. One door leads to the south, and you think you hear some noise on the other side of that door.
Then there's another door that leads to the north, but this room is not empty. Right on the other side of the door, as soon as you throw it open, there is a creature that looks like one of the zombies from 28 Days Later.
It looks like a fast zombie. It is pale-skinned with a mouth full of rows of teeth and vicious-looking hooked claws at the end of its hands.
It looks up at you, sniffing the air, and with its black eyes narrowing at you,

leaps up to try to strike you, Norm,

with first its claws

in a ready to attack.

Norm, I'm sorry to say

you just got critical hit

by what you think is a ghoul,

and this ghoul

is hitting you with its claws,

so I'm going to need you

to make a constitution saving throw as the ghoul's claws hit you. No, it doesn't feel good for you, boy Norm.
Plus six, I believe you have, because you're quite good at this. Four.
Oh, I'm sorry to say, with a ten, that is not going to be enough. Constitution destroyed.
Norm, I'm so sorry to say that since you are not, you weren't able to rage because there were no enemies around to rage against at the moment. And I'm so sorry to say that you just took 20, or sorry, 18 damage from the claws of the ghoul.
They leap up to you. He starts throttling you and digging your claws in.
And that was the bad part. Here's the worst part.
As the claws dig into your neck, you start to feel your muscles locking up. You are paralyzed by the claws of the ghoul.
They're gonna have to push you around and you're fat as fuck. That means that as you're getting paralyzed, the ghoul's looking around.
He's gonna turn to Brand. Someone help me.
It has one more attack and it wanted to do that bite attack against somebody else to like try to take on another ally except when you get paralyzed, the ghoul's instincts kick in. It loves when people get paralyzed because then it can feast slowly.
Oh, no. And it's going to bite you because it has advantage on this attack roll now that you're paralyzed.
Man, avenge my death. That's going to be a 21 to hit you, I'm sorry to say.
Oh, gosh. That means he gets critical hit damage for the bite attack as well.
But he's rolling bad on this so far. Okay, he stopped that nine so far ten plus two another

12 points of damage so norm you've taken 30 damage in all from can this ghoul

Can I touch my balls again? You can't walk?

Yeah, certainly the days have passed and so in theory your healing is back up to full now Greg

So you could get healed again, and then the last bit of bad news after the ghoul does his own attacks.

What?

The worst news. This isn't quite as bad news because nobody's attacking you right now, at least.
But the two other ghouls in the room look up from the bones that they are chomping on. and they just turn in that scary way and start rushing over the beds,

leaping from bed to bed towards Norm and the others. Where are my bros? Ehrlich, you hear all of this, and so all of you can now roll into initiative against these ghouls.
Can my bros help me, please? They certainly can. I got a question.
Can I use my sleight of hand to open up the door and send the ghouls after Ehrlich? Now, that would require you to be next to that door, and currently you're like 15 feet away from that door. Can I ask if you have the spell Mage Hand? Mage Hand.
Where are my spells? Oh, wait, got it. No, I don't.
Unfortunately, without Mage Hand, you would have to get to that door first, and there's one ghoul standing in the way currently between you and those enemies. He's got Mage Hand, yep.
I'd just like to do vicious mockery on Hank and insult him so badly he gets a nosebleed. Yeah, you can't even see me, dude.
Your fucking boy's getting destroyed. Okay, I rolled a 12.
12, and you have a plus two on this. That's Wayne.
Oh, you're making fun of disabilities now? No, I'm just saying, like, maybe PFT should get his priorities straight. Wow.
Hank, not ADA approved. Wayne, sorry.
You should let that know when you go hiring people. I will warn everyone, the ghouls got a 16.
So if you want to go ahead of all the ghouls, you're going to need to beat a 16. Come on, guys.
Come on, guys. Do we have any advantages here? No advantage here.
So I roll again? No, I would say Greg, I need a big roll out of you Greg. We were aware of the ghouls so they didn't get a surprise attack against us, but they had a readied action.
I need a big roll out of you Greg and Cake. Oh, nope.
11. 11 plus 3 is gonna be 14.
Not enough to beat the ghouls. Greg.
But d20 minus 1 on this, Greg. Oh, Jesus.
Go, Greg. 6.
6. Not going to be enough, Greg.
And Norm, how did you do on initiative? Oh, I haven't done it yet. d20 plus 2.
I thought I was dead. Yeah, I can't even use his hands.
I mean, he will be able to make a saving throw on his turn. So on initiative count of six, Norm, all you get to do on your turn is try to break free of the paralysis.
But even if you do, it'll be at the end of your turn. So we know your first turn will be spent trying to break free.
And your friends can definitely try to save you. But right now, Ehrlich, the only person who might go ahead of the ghouls in initiative is you.
So please roll a d20 plus two to see if you're going to beat the ghouls or if you're going after them.

Eleven.

Eleven plus

two is going to be a thirteen.

Not enough! The ghouls, I am

sorry to say, are going first.

And right now, they

are almost definitely going

against Norm

because he's paralyzed. But I will ask,

there's enough room in the doorway for

someone to be next to Norm

And I think that's a good thing. are almost definitely going against Norm because he's paralyzed.
But I will ask, there's enough room in the doorway for someone to be next to Norm

and try to draw one of the ghoul's attacks against him instead of against Norm.

Would anyone be volunteering to take that position?

That's a bold move for the wizard.

I think that would be fine to do.

I would just ask if you have the shield spell as one of your spells.

That's going to be very important for you.

Thank you. Otherwise, I know you have mage armor as one of your spells.
Oh, I do have the shield. You have the shield spell.
That's going to be very helpful. I'm going to pee, too.
I was just going to pee in this bottle. I was, too, but I wanted to ask Tim first.
Yeah, can we pee in our bottles? I'm totally fine. I actually just got this one out for that reason.
Absolutely. I'm reminded that I have my bottle here that I'm going to use as well.
Absolutely. Don't look.
Liam, blur out my penis. Cake, you are taking up the position against the ghouls.
I'm going to roll against you first while they're busy. And here's the first claw attack against you.
I'm so sorry to say, the claws of the ghoul, as you step forward, like, bring it on, it lunges forward and gets a 20 against you. Now, I'm sorry to say that your armor class with the mage armor is 16, but if you were to use shield, that would bring it up to 21.
It only lasts for one turn but shield would protect you from this claw attack. Are you using a shield against them right now? I'm a little distracted right now.
Same. Did you fill it up? I got a pinch off.
Oh my god. Holy shit.
Hydrated. That's a constitution save right there to pinch you off.

Absolutely.

Just pee a little on the tire.

So if you use shield, you'll be safe from the closet.

It's like a water.

I overflowed.

Yeah.

It doesn't hold as much as you think.

I just pinched off.

You guys have the exact same color piss.

It's incredible. This is guys being dudes.
Has anybody ever peed in a game with you before? No, this will be a first. Love it.
Love it. I tried to do this when I was in the Lord of the Rings movies, and my friends got upset.
They didn't want me to do this. They don't get it.
Not this show. I had to miss some valuable dialogue.
Not this show. Run to the bathroom.
All right, so I'm rolling. So, Kate, you don't have to roll anything.
Right now, if you use a shield, you'll deflect this attack. But if you don't, you'll get hit.
So you'll burn up a first level spell slot if you want to deflect this attack, and then you'll be protected for this turn. You won't fill up another bottle.
No, I'll go for it. You deflect with a shield spell.
This claw attack coming your way. You are totally safe.

But then the bite attack is going to come your way.

It also misses thanks to your shield spell.

Well done.

It protects you from both those attacks.

And then the shield will wear off at the end of your next turn.

But otherwise, until then, it's still protecting you.

I've peed on myself.

Now, Norm, you've got more attacks coming your way, I'm sorry to say. And so there's going to be two more claw attacks coming your way.
And that is going to be, let's see. Oh, a miss, even with advantage against you.
He grabbed, one of the ghouls reaches out to try to grab you and just scrapes along your arm a little bit. Then, ooh, the next ghoul only gets a 14, even with advantage.
That is just barely a miss. Well done.
Yes. The bite and the claw, or both claw attacks for the two ghouls missed, and then the both of their bite attacks are going to try to go against you.
That is going to be a hit on one bite attack. Okay.
And then a miss with the second bite attack. Even with you paralyzed, you're doing great.
Unfortunately, they're going to deal a lot of damage with this bite. That's going to be 8 plus 5 is going to be 13 plus another 2.
That's another 15 damage on you, Norm, bringing you up to 45 damage. You have 10 hit points left, and that is luckily the end of the ghoul turn and the beginning of Wayne's turn.
Wayne, what would you like to do? I don't know. What's the strategy here, guys? We're in a lot of trouble.
I can heal Norm. Okay, so should I try to draw the ghouls to me as I make a break for the door and try to put them onto Hank? I don't know.
You would be able to do that with either deception or another skill. Is it too risky? I don't know what else I can do right now.
I've got Spells. I've got Thunder Wave.
Thunder Wave can hit all three of these spells. Oh, I do have Unseen Servant, too.
So I can get Invisible. I've got an Invisible Friend of my own, Hank.
Yes. How's that sound? So can I use my Unseen Servant? Yes, you could.
Okay, to go open up the door and unleash these beasts onto Ehrlich. The answer to that is, of course, absolutely.
Yes. That is exactly what Unseen Servant can do.
So, if you spend your action summoning your Unseen Servant, it immediately conjures this invisible air elemental into the air. You whisper to it, go open that door.
It flies over. Now the only problem is the unseen servant is very weak.
I need you to roll a d20 just to make sure he gets this door open. It's stuck like the door was when we first got it.
I just rolled a two. A two, I'm sorry to say, is not quite enough.
Especially with the penalty that the unseen servant has. Shut the fuck up, Rory.
Oh, there is something you can do here. I have five.
Turn your own microphone on. With your bonus action.
No, you're literally almost dead. No, you're dead.
At least I can walk. Wait, I get a bonus action.
Yeah, I get a bonus action, bitch. You can use your bonus action.
I'm taking him out. You get to use it to inspire one person here, and I would allow that person to be your unseen servant.
If you give your unseen servant inspiration, you get to add a D8 to that too. Okay.
All right, here we go. And so go ahead and roll a D8.
You inspire your unseen servant. One with eight.
It looks like two pyramids stuck together five five is enough just barely get the door open that shit keep that same energy hank when the door's open what do you say to inspire your unseen servant i do i do my classic it's the draymond talking to kevin durant i get up in his ear and I'm like, you got this. You got this.
Absolutely. You tell him to believe in himself.
He gets the door open. And with a pop, we see it's Gungeon Rockseeker on the other side of the door.
I will let everyone here, even somebody who's paralyzed, make a perception check real quick. Roll a d20.
And if you get ridiculously good on this, we'll add your perception bonus or insight. Insight is what this would be.
I think I'm 5. 5, nah.
10. Even that 10 plus.
Unless you have a very good insight. No.
Nope, nope, nope. Not gonna be enough.
14 plus 3. Plus 3.
17 would be very close. I would say I'm gonna allow a deception check with advantage right now from

Deception. Twelve.

And you get to roll a second time because you have

advantage on this thanks to your disguise.

Rich get richer.

Does this count

on the keyboard? No. If it's

a cock to die, as we might say,

you get to re-roll it.

It's like a wedgie. That's how we killed the other guy.

Eight. So we'll take the higher number was the 12, is that right? And what's your deception skill bonus? Use a skill.
I do not have deception skill. Oh gosh, sorry.
And is stealth a skill that you have? Yes. What's your stealth bonus? Plus 5.
Plus five. Okay, I'm going to allow that.
So with the plus 12, that's a 17. And what was your...
17, 14, and three. You're setting the DC.
He needs to make it. Just barely, you can tell.
This is not Gundren, of course. This is Ehrlich in disguise.
Do you tell the others this information? Yeah. I can take can take him down.
Snitch bitch. Absolutely.
So, Cake, you are aware of this information that that is Ehrlich on the other side of the door. And the door has just been opened on Wayne's turn.
Wayne, you've used your action and your bonus. So all you have is your move.
You could try to move over to him. But that'll be the end of your turn then at that point.
So I couldn't do anything like, I couldn't throw the head. I'd allow you to use your move to just chuck the head at him.
It won't damage him. Oh, well that doesn't really do much.
So I can move closer to him though. Could try to move closer to him, but the problem is, right now, you would have to jump over a lot of ghouls who are in the way, and they might all get to attack you as you run towards them.
Yeah, I don't like the sound of that.

So I think I'll just fuck with them.

Absolutely, yeah. I think I'll throw the guy's head

with the dick on it and try

to get that dick tied

around his dick ear. I'll allow

that, yes. Like an earring.
Yes, 100%.

Go ahead and roll a D20. Like rats get their tails tied

together. A king dick

as it were. Or a dick king, I guess.
Go ahead and roll a d20. A king dick, as it were.

Or a dick king, I guess.

Go ahead and roll a d20.

If you've got a dick ear, you can definitely hear us coming.

Here we go. 17.

17! With your attack bonus, that is enough that it

hits him in the ear, and I will let you

roll a dexterity saving throw to avoid

your ear getting tangled in that.

Oh, I got a one. Fuck you, bitch! Hey, dick ear! With a natural one, it's not just tangled on your ear.
It is in your ear. You have a dick in your ear.
They're docking. It's docked.
It is docked. And that is the insult that has been inflicted upon you, Ehrlich, at the end of Wayne's turn.
Cake, that brings us to you next. Then Ehrlich, then Greg and Norm.
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Let's keep taking them down. Absolutely.
Cake, you have your whole turn right now. What would you like to do? You see somebody that you know is Ehrlich, and then there's three ghouls lined up in front of us.
I want to send the magic missile. Yeah.
Absolutely. If you send the magic missile at him, the nice thing about magic missile is it never misses.
It doesn't deal much damage, but it's a guaranteed damage hit. Now, when you do first level magic missile, you fire three missiles.
If you do second level, it's four missiles. If you do third level, it's five missiles.
Absolutely. You have still two third level spell slots because it's a brand new day.
So you fire off five magic missiles. I'm going to just ask, do you have the D4, the pyramid-shaped die in front of you?

You do not.

Does anybody there have a D4?

I've got a D4 right here.

Absolutely.

That's the one with four sides.

That's the one with four sides.

It's the most dangerous

to land on the floor.

Oh.

You don't want to step on that one.

That's the tricky one.

There you go.

So your each missile

deals one D4 plus one.

So if you just tell me

what you're getting on the die,

and that's the number that's kind of like the same no matter which way you turn it, it's the one on top. Exactly right.
I'll add the plus 1 and keep tallying up your rolls for you. So you just tell me what number it says on the die each time you roll, and we'll do it five times.
Here we go. Four.
Four. Yes.
So that's five damage on the first missile. Two.
Two. So that's three damage on the second missile One.
That's two damage on the third missile Two. Two, that's three damage on the fourth missile Four.
Yes. Four, so five damage.
Good roll. Ten, sixteen, eighteen Eighteen damage! Eighteen damage.
Ehrlich, your hit points are what when you start out in the day? At the top of your sheet... Don't lie.
38. 38.
So with 38, you are down to 20 out of 38 hit points left after Cake's action. He has fired a volley at you.
That's your action. You can't do any other spells, but you have a bonus action and move just in case you want to do any shenanigans, similar to what Wayne the Bard did.

Can I keep going after him?

You can't do any more attacks that deal damage.

No more spells or anything.

But if there's anything you want to spend your move doing, either running around, that's something you can do, but you've got ghouls kind of blocking the way.

Can you poop on them?

You can get over them.

You can definitely poop and throw the poop potentially I would allow that can we make him can we make him drink our piss in real life I don't have control over that first person to die has to drink the piss yeah steal I'm actually pretty close yeah you're very close can I I'm healing you heal yeah yeah can I try helping him up when everyone thinks you're stepping over him? Say that again? You're... Trying to help him up? Trying to help who up? Ehrlich? Yeah.
Absolutely. He hasn't fallen to the ground, necessarily.
You want to go over and, like, help him in what capacity? He wants to step over him. He wants to just, like, dominate him physically.
Oh got it. You'll have to get past the ghouls to do that.
Do you have a good way to get past the ghouls? I would let you try to jump over them, but that's a minus one skill to try to jump. I can still do it.
Okay, you know what? I'll let you jump and try to weave around them with your dexterity. That's at least a plus three.
So go ahead and roll a d20 plus three to see if you can get around the ghouls quickly.

Eleven.

Eleven plus three, so 14.

It's going to be enough that you're going to squeeze around one of the ghouls,

but two of them are going to get attacks against you as you're running away past them.

Are you okay with that, or are you going to stop where you are?

Yeah, I'll keep going.

So two ghouls each try to swipe a claw at you. One of them hits, one of them misses.
And so with their claw, they are going to roll seven plus two, nine points of damage. So cake, you now have nine points of damage against you as you get swiped by a claw.
And I will just tell you an odd detail that you can roll an arcana

or history check on if you want the paralysis of the ghoul claws doesn't affect you at all no saving

throw necessary you're fine you can roll a d20 if you want to know why but otherwise you are able

to run right up to erlik and just stand right in front of him in fact i'll let you try to push him

over if that's what you want to do so you can stand over him let's do that go ahead and roll

an athletics check but unfortunately you definitely have a minus one for pushing people over, unfortunately. Five.
Five minus one, so four. Ehrlich, just roll a d20 and try to beat a four.
Three. Three, okay.
You get to add your strength or dexterity, and I know your dexterity

is plus two. Bailed out.

You would just barely be avoiding

getting pushed over, but you're standing

over him because even his illusory

form is shorter than Cake

the Wizard, who is an elf, would be.

And you know that actual Ehrlich is

a gnome, even shorter than that, so you're

standing head and shoulders above him

looking down upon him, but you

give him a shove and he does not get knocked

over. Did you roll

Thank you. He's a gnome, even shorter than that, so you're standing head and shoulders above him, looking down upon him, but you give him a shove, and he does not get knocked over.
Did you roll a check to just see why you are immune to the paralysis, or are you not worried about that, really? I'm not worried about it. Yeah, absolutely.
That would bring us to Ehrlich's turn next. Great.
What would you like to do then, Greg? I would love to cast a spell, Tim. Absolutely.
What spell would you like to cast? The Hellish Rebuke.

Yes!

Okay, so Hellish Rebuke would have been a reaction that you already did when it wasn't your turn.

You get to do this for free as a reaction.

The moment he hit you with the first missile, you just give him a middle finger, fuck you,

your eyes start to burn, and Cake the Wizard burst into flames at that point. Then you're going to get to do still your whole turn after this.
I will allow you to retcon a hellish rebuke on this. Cake, please make a dexterity saving throw.
You have a d20 plus 3. I assume bursting into flames is like dead.
He is bursting into flames and is going to have to avoid a lot of damage but he gets to roll a saving throw to avoid half of it. But that's the best he can do is take half damage on this.
So a d20 plus three, and you've got to beat a 15 against him. 19! Yes, Jake! Best one here! That's great for you.
That'll be a half damage for you, Ehrlich, but I'm happy to report the damage at first level would have been 2d10.

But you only

cast your spells at third

level. Warlocks do not have a power

valve. You're always casting at your best

spell slot level. That means

it's an extra 1d10 for each level after

that. That's 4d10

damage in all. So the

d10 looks like this

and you can even take these if you want to just roll this all together. Those are both D10s.
Go ahead and roll four D10s and Cake the Wizard will take half of that. Three? Three so far.
Is the line on the bottom or top? The line's on the bottom. Six.
Six. Fucking one.
One. Fucking one.
Oh! Okay, all right. That was a bit of a bummer there.
Combined 11 on four total rolls. That's tough.
That's only 11, so Cake is only getting five points of damage. I'm sorry to say for your hellish rebuke.
Damage control. And that'll bring him up to 14 points of damage.
We always round down, no matter who it is, for what it's worth. So 14 damage against Cake total.
Cake, what's your total hit points? 27. 27.
So at this point, you are just barely bloodied. You're halfway down now.
And I'm sorry to say for you that, Ehrlich, that was your reaction. You still have your whole turn now.
Fantastic. So that was something that happened earlier on Cake's turn.
Then I would like to cast another spell please. Yes, what spell would you like? The Eldritch Blast.
Absolutely, Eldritch Blast is great when you are at a distance with somebody. When you're firing when you're right next to somebody.
Oh, I'm not firing at Jake. Oh, interesting.
Okay. That, well, sorry.
Cake is right next to you. Yeah.
That's the problem is that whenever you fire with somebody right next to you, even if you're firing at somebody else here, to be fair, because they're up in your grill, it's like trying to use a bow when they're right next to you. You would get disadvantaged.
So you're more likely to miss. Do you want to ask about any of your other spells that might not have to deal with that potentially?

Fireball?

Fireball, you could launch into this room.

And if you launch into this room, you could hit cake.

I'm not worried about cake.

I want norm.

You want norm.

Okay, interesting.

That's right.

If you fire a fireball into this room,

you can hit norm,

and he'll have no chance to make a saving throw against your fireball, because he is paralyzed. In fact, he will just get hit by it automatically for full damage.
But your fireball will automatically also hit Greg and Wayne. That's all right.
Absolutely. Now you're hitting them.
I'm going to ask, do you also want to hit the ghouls too? I'm not really worried about the ghouls at this point I guess you guys might as well Absolutely I mean they seem like they are hungry To go after anybody who is alive And since you are looking to hit the ghouls I will just ask If you put it close enough in the room You can hit the ghouls, your former teammates, and cake, who's right in

front of you, without hitting yourself.

That's fantastic. Let's do that.

So, I am going to need everybody

here to make dexterity

saving throws, and you've got to get a

15 or higher on this. I do?

You do not need to. You're the

one person. 18! Stop it.

18 is enough.

And you actually have advantage. Oh, sorry.
Norm, I forgot. You would have advantage on this.
But he's paralyzed. You're paralyzed at the moment.
Sorry. The 18 is wasted on that.
Oh, that's brutal. I got a 15.
Do I have any bonuses? 15 would already be enough without your bonuses. I just want to run up the score on him.
You have like a plus three on this at least. You are doing fine.
I'd like to high step away from the fireball. Yeah, you are going to take half of the fireball damage.
Thirteen. Thirteen is not quite enough, I am sorry to say.
You're going to be taking full fireball damage, Greg. And Cake, you have a plus three on this.
Ten. Ten plus three.
Also a thirteen. Not quite enough.
You're going to take the full fireball damage. This motherfucker keeps getting away with everything.
And I'm going to roll for the three ghouls. Ooh, I'm sorry to say, both of the ghouls so far have passed.
And the last ghoul just barely might make it. No, just barely is failing.
So the first ghoul, ghoul number one is going to take the full damage. Ghouls two and three are going to take half damage.
And to calculate your damage, you get to roll D6s. But fireball, they say, is one of the best spells.
You deal eight D6 fire damage. That's insane.
So let's start gathering up your D6s. God damn.
How much did you pay him, Hank? If you would like to use my fancy fancy... Wait, so if he gets how much can I take like, how much damage? Let's set this up.
He can kill me with how many points? 15 is enough to knock you down to zero hit points. But you don't die when you go down to zero hit points.
You die if you go down to zero hit points and then like fail saving throws to bleed out. Or if he 15 damage plus another 55 so he would have to deal to kill you with massive damage you would need to deal 70 damage okay so otherwise you have a chance eight rolls you get eight rolls max 48 he can't okay now if you want to use my handy dandy dice roller right here just to do this the easy way where we don't have to do any math just hit that's probably smart probably good eight times and it will add it up for you at the i don't i don't know if i trust the machine i don't trust your throat totally fair some people only believe in their dice all right i'll do half and half okay so four of the completely defeats the purpose of using the calculator or either one plus six plus three is ten okay so is that so far you've done three of of them you can do one more if you want to do half Six so 16 is what you've rolled so far.
What did I need to kill him? We've already knocked out Norm so far successfully. You need 70 to kill him, but three okay, so 19 so far One one so 20 and you get two more rolls to 22 Two.
1. 1.
So 20, and you get two more rolls. 2.
22. 4.
4. So 26 is the total damage for your fireball.
Well done. Now, that means that, Norm, you take 26 fire damage.
You are down to zero hit points left at the moment, I am sorry to say. Then, Wayne, you...
How is that not dead? You're unconscious on the ground now. You will start on your next turn making saving throws, and if you get a one, you might die.
If you get a 20, you get back up, and you get a second wind, and you're like, I'm not down yet. And so the people who pass the saving throw, Wayne, you only take 13 points of damage.
So Wayne, you're at 13. And then the rest of us, Cake, you took 26 damage.
It feels like Hank's getting so many fucking things right now. To knock you out.
Oh, let's go. I got two knocks.
So Cake is down. I'm 1v4ing these fuckers.
Norm is down. And you take the 26 damage, but Greg, how are you doing hit point-wise?

I have 44.

Greg has taken 26, but still would have 44, so you have some hit points left right now, Greg.

Let me 1v4, you guys.

And Ehrlich, that was your fireball.

You still can do that one more time.

What the hell?

What the fuck, Tim?

Magic, but not this turn. You can't do it this turn.
So next turn, I'm just giving them a fair warning. You have two spells you can do, and then you're just out of juice, except for your Eldritch Blast and other minor spells.
But you just used one of your most powerful spells. You can do that again next turn if you need to, but the others are all going to get their turns now.
So Ehrlich, that is the end of your turn and the beginning of Greg's turn.

Next, Greg, what would you like to do?

Are these ghouls considered undead or fiends?

They absolutely are undead, yes.

That is exactly what they are.

Can I speak to them with a turn of the unholy?

Ooh, okay.

If you want to do turn undead,

that's where you hold up your holy symbol

and go back, back, foul beasts,

and they just get scared and run away if they fail their saving throw. If you want to talk to them, that's a different thing.
But I'd allow you to try to do it because you're a paladin and you can threaten them with your holy symbol. Okay.
I would like to talk to them. Absolutely.
What are you hoping to say to them? I want to tell them I'm disappointed in them. Because Bane would have wanted them to finish the job on Norm.
No! And chaos is what my god wants. Oh! I was inspired by Uldric, who committed evil acts.
And I was envious. Save me! Interesting.
Don't! So you're encouraging them to go after Norm, and they hear the words of your dark god in their mind. That's right.
He I gotta admit Bane is a lawful evil guy. Sounds like you're more like the Joker.
That would be Siric, the chaotic evil god of madness and destruction and his classic move would be to pretend to be Bane and so it's kind of like perfect for you like you guys thought I was a cleric of Bane, I'm a cleric of Siric, let's go. And you are going to get to roll, I'm gonna say either persuasion or religion, whichever's better against these ghouls.
My religion is, oh, my persuasion's plus six. I'm gonna tell you that while these ghouls were not raised by clerics of Siric, it's close enough that suddenly you find that they are very interested in what you're saying.
You get to roll with advantage. You can roll two d20s and take the higher number.
Nine. Nine will be okay.
And with a critical hit, you are absolutely seeing the ghouls suddenly look at you with reverence. They will never attack you, Greg.
They will instead follow whatever orders you give them. And sorry, I'm so sorry.
I hadn't applied the ghoul damage from the fireball. Half these ghouls, or sorry, one of these ghouls is injured badly, but the other two who had taken 20, oh no, two had, one had passed and two had failed.
So two of them are dead. It would be one ghoul who is turning to you and following your orders.
The other two just got blown up by fireballs. And so there's one ghoul turning to look at you reverently and getting ready to go down and eat Gnor on his next turn.

That'll do.

Absolutely.

Now, I'm going to say that could have been your bonus to encourage you to do that.

Anything with a move or an action that you want to do?

I would like to heal myself.

Yes, you absolutely can.

Now, if you use 25 points of healing, that'll reduce the damage you've taken down to just one point left.

Do you want to use the whole kit and caboodle upon yourself? Let's use half on me and half on Ulrich. The problem is you need to be touching.
Let's use it all on me. Okay, absolutely.
So, Ehrlich, is it Ehrlich or Ulrich? I just want to make sure I get it right. It's Ehrlich.
Ehrlich, okay. You don't even know his name, Greg.
Greg, you've now got only one point of damage as Siric restores all of your hit points to you. Love that for you.
And you have your move. Love that for you.
And if you want to, you could use your move to get right next to Ehrlich, or you could move somewhere else. There's one door kind of leading out of here.
You want to pinch Cake's ass while he's knocked out. You go over, he pinched his ass while he's knocked out.

Well done, Cake.

Or sorry, Greg.

And that would bring us to Norm's turn next.

Norm, the good news is you're not paralyzed anymore.

The bad news is you're unconscious.

And so please roll a d20.

And if you get a 20, you're waking up. But if you get a 10 or less, you're slipping, or a 9 or less.

You're slipping closer to death. With an 11, that means, Norm, you are closer to stabilizing.
You're not any closer to waking up, but you're closer to not bleeding to death. If you can get three times in a row, a 10 or higher, then you stabilize and stop bleeding.
But you only roll your next roll. The next roll will come on your next turn.
Oh, motherfuckers! Hank got nine turns and Big Cat gets one roll? One! One! Hank got a reaction from his previous turn and then one turn. And that will bring us to the ghouls next and the ghoul wants to turn to attack more.
Yes. Badly.
Okay, so here's the problem. What you just got is one success on your debt saves.
I got 18, but you didn't count. Well, I didn't count that one.
Yeah, right. So you got one success so far, and if this ghoul hits you while you're down on the ground, he inflicts one failure.
Actually, he would inflict two failures. And if you get three failures, then you are dead.
Just kill me. If you hit him twice, you are dead.
Just kill me. Big cat, out of game.
Thanks for inviting me on. Yeah, fuck.
The ghoul claws at Norm the Barbarian, inflicting not one but two failures as he tears at the flesh. And at this point, you know, Greg, if the ghoul goes down to bite and hits Norm, Norm is officially dead.
I tell him to proceed. Proceed.
I will let you then roll for this ghoul. Because he's prone and unconscious, you get to roll 2d20s.
So why does he need to keep him alive? Greg, Greg, Greg. As long as he gets a 9 or higher on one, a 10 or higher on one of these rolls, then you have killed Norm.
Norm, the jaws of the ghoul close down upon your face and tear your face off. Norm the barbarian is slain right now.
Right now. He said right now.
Under the encouragement of Greg. Now, I think we'll recall that in D&D there are ways to come back from the dead.
Some of them are bummers. Undertaker gif.
Absolutely, yes. And I gave all the worst options to the characters who had to come back from the dead previously.
But there are some better options for coming back from the dead than the ones I gave, say, Berserker Billy, for example. We don't say his name right now.
Oh, certainly. He who shall not be named.
He who shall not be named got the short shaft on that, and you might be able to find some better ways, or in this case, your teammates might be able to find better ways to bring you back from the dead. The ghoul's turn is now done, and Wayne would be up next.
Wayne, you are not unconscious because you've only taken 13 damage from a fireball? Yeah, I'm feeling good. Absolutely.
So Big Cat's my guy. Norm's my guy.
We ride together with the rest of these clowns. I don't give a shit.
I'm going to use hypnotic pattern. Absolutely.
Jake's unconscious. Shut up, Hank.
It's my turn. It's my turn.
I'm just saying. Shut up, Ehrlich.
If you really don't care. I want to put hypnotic pattern on these two, Greg, Ehrlich, and the remaining gh ghoul.
And I want to convince them like lemmings to run off that ledge into the black pit. Absolutely.
Now, Hypnotic Pattern will allow you to make them stunned. So they're staring like at whatever kaleidoscopic image you have created.
It won't allow you to tell them to move. That would be Charm Person would convince them move in a particular direction if you want to use, if you have that spell.
Otherwise, you can hypnotize them and then just push them into pits. Yeah, that's what I want to do.
I want to hypnotize them and then toss them into the black pit with the monster. Absolutely.
Now, I will also let you make, if you have the religion skill or the history skill. I do.
You have one of those. Go ahead and roll that just to see if you know an important fact

that is relevant

to what you are trying to do.

Okay, I have history plus four.

So I roll the d20 now.

There you go.

d20 plus four.

Six.

Six plus four is a ten.

That's just enough to know.

Undead.

Oh, wait.

There's no line on it.

Oh, there's no line.

Oh, no.

The dot's on the bottom,

so that's a nine.

Oh, okay.

Even better.

With a nine plus,

you said four?

Yep. So 13 is definitely enough to know.
Undead, you can confirm this, you don't just suspect. A ghoul is a kind of undead that cannot be charmed.
So the undead will not get charmed. Okay, I'll worry about it.
He's currently just still following the orders of Greg, but if you charm Greg, the ghoul won't do anything. It'll just be like, master, master, like pawing at him, essentially.
So you are trying to hypnotize the two of them is that right yep i'm just confirming that it affects only the people that you want oh well you're not worried about it because the only people that you're worried about who would get caught in the crossfire are unconscious currently so luckily for you you're avoiding it and you are hitting these two quite effectively then.

These two would have been charmed, but instead they're just unconscious.

So go ahead, and I'm going to need the two of you, Ehrlich and Greg, to roll wisdom saving throws. I feel like he had to disclose that he had that.

That's like an STD of some sort.

He has to tell us.

I'm going to deal with it.

Whoops.

Surprise myself.

You went against the family, Greg.

Jeez.

Pay the price.

What am I rolling?

This is going to hurt you.

A d20 plus your wisdom saving throw, which if I can just shoot your shot.

This is a very good idea. Surprise myself.
You went against the family, Greg. Jeez.
Pay the price. What am I rolling?

This is going to hurt you in...

A d20 plus your wisdom saving throw, which if I can just shoot your shit.

This will hurt my career outside.

Yeah, this is going to hurt you in fake life and real life.

You have a plus five on this.

Ten plus five.

And the number that you needed was a 15.

Gosh.

You'll avoid the hypnotic pattern.

What about you, Ehrlich, you bitch?

I'm sure if we kill Ehrlich, we get Greg back.

Thank you. was a 15 or a hypnotic pattern.
What about you, Ehrlich, you bitch? I'm sure if we kill Ehrlich, we get Greg back. True.
That would be a 14. 14 natural on the die? Yeah.
And what's your... Oh, you have at least a plus one, I'm pretty sure.
Let me just check. Warlocks, you're probably going to have enough.
Are you trained against this particular? You are. Yes, you have a plus three, at least from your training.
And so you are also passing the saving throw. Hey, good try, though, PFT.
You create this swirling hypnotic pattern. And unfortunately, Wayne, you do not see them falling under the control of the hypnotic pattern right now.
It's a cool spell, though. Don't get upset with yourself.
Now, you have a move and you have a bonus. Just being able to do it is cool.
He's got a move and a bonus. What's the bonus? The bonus can be used to inspire somebody if you wanted to.
You need to inspire yourself, probably. Can I inspire them back to life? Maybe hit your shots next time.
You could have given an inspiration to him while he was unconscious, I would have said, but now he's not making any dice rolls. Norm is dead.
You can give inspiration to Cake, and that would maybe be helpful for Cake for not bleeding out, I would say. Can I inspire them to kill themselves? Oh, yeah, because Cake's also unconscious right now.
It's just you versus us. Can I tweet at Hank like KYS? You can.
Can I make him want inspiration, but it wouldn't automatically control him. A charm person, say, would do that.
It would only give him advantage for whatever he wants to do. You could tell him, hey, listen, I'll give you inspiration if you stop fighting me or something like that.
I mean, wait, look at the we alive. Join that's dead.
Jake's unconscious. We'll let you kill cake.
I saved his life. You're dead.
I saved his life before I got. Does that matter now that you're dead? This is not cutting time right now.
Do I want to be on the side of winners? Just fucking take him down. Call.
I want to fuck them up. Yes.
I'm going to go down swinging. Yes.
No attacks left. Yes.
You can inspire someone. I'm in.
That's all you can do. Join us.
I would let you inspire yourself, but it's not going to do much on this turn. Inspire Jake to be alive.
Yeah. I'd like to inspire Jake to be alive.
Okay. If you inspire Jake.
And to go after Ehrlich, particularly. All right.
Then in that case, Cake's next turn. Yeah, perfect.
Cake is up next. So that's the end of your turn.
Then you inspire Cake as your bonus action. You have your move if you want to move further away from these two or closer to them, whichever you want to do.
I want to move closer to Norm so I can bring him back to life. Absolutely.
You're right next to Norm right now. I'm going to rage so hard.
I'm going to protect his body like a dog when their owner passes away. Absolutely.
You're over his body right now. And then in that case, Cake, when your turn comes up, you get to roll a d20 to see if you wake up.
If you get a 10 or higher, you're closer to stabilizing, which didn't do Norm very much good, unfortunately.

But if you get a critical hit, a 20, you're supposed to wake up. And I will say, what I'm going to apply right now, is that if you get a 20 or higher with the D8 of Inspiration added, then you still wake up, even if it's not a critical hit on the die.
So if you roll the d20, as long as you get a 12 or higher, you still have a chance of, with the inspiration, waking yourself up. And if you do, you get to do a whole turn.
And guess who else has fireball, by the way. Let's go, Jake.
Let's go, Jake. I need a 12.
You need a 12 or higher on this. The higher you roll, the better it is.
All right. Here we go.
And then you need to roll something else on the D8 to confirm. Just so you know, this isn't the final roll.
This is just the setup for the true roll. Please, Jake.
Nine. Yes! Nine is not quite going to be enough.
Even if you were to use the inspiration, at the best, it would just cause you to further stabilize, not wake up, unfortunately. And so right now, Cake, do you want to use the inspiration to make yourself stable at least? Or are you okay with getting one failure right now? You'll be bleeding out a little bit.
Once you get three failures, you are also dead. Jake, it doesn't matter.
What's the best course of action here? You're getting fireballed. You can save the inspiration for your next turn, and if you get a next turn, then in theory you will get to use the inspiration on that, and you might get a 12 on your next turn and then roll the d8 and wake up.
So it's up to you whether you want to save the inspiration or not. This is like the departed.
No, I'll roll the dice. You're using the inspiration right now.
Is that right? So what you're going to do is roll a d8. And as long as you get, well, it doesn't make a difference.
All you need is a 10 or higher. So as long as you roll a 1 or higher, which you will do on that die, instead of getting a failure, you're getting 1 success.
And you're less likely to maybe just outright die on your next turn. But you're definitely not waking up.
Good turn, Jake. I got a six.
Okay, yeah, six. There you go.
Six plus the nine got you to 15. A 15 is enough to further stabilize you.
So you get one success of your three successes to stabilize. Zero failures towards dying on your turn.
And I'm sorry to say for the rest of us, that will bring us to Ehrlich's turn next. Ehrlich, Lola didn't do anything on her last turn, so Lola could be anywhere right now, and you get your whole turn also.
Also, you can... This is so rigged.
For money or for ratings, I'm not sure which, but I just saw it myself. I don't know if this affects Greg, but even if it does,

I kind of just want to end the game and just fireball and go on my way with the map and do my thing.

You absolutely can.

What the fuck?

But since you mentioned the map...

Well, I said I hope it doesn't affect you.

You can just not do it.

Greg will get hit, I'm sorry to say. Definitely will.
Critical damage? You can launch. We'll see what roll he gets.
But I will say this. It's worth noting.
You were saying I'm going to take the map and go at the end of this adventure. Can we just get a confirmation? Who took the map off of Gundren's belt? Was it you, Ehrlich? Oh, wait.
It was you, I think. Yeah.
Okay, damn, I thought I had you there. I think you did take it.
Well done, you have the map. Thank you.
True warlock move, my compliments. You absolutely were just like, I'll hold on to this.
No one noticed that you had the scroll the whole time and now you have everything you need to do this adventure alone, Ehrlich. Are you launching a fireball into this room right now absolutely am tim in that case cake does not get a saving throw against this cake you immediately get not one because it's not a melee attack melee attacks would do two failures when the fireball goes off it deals one failure to you you're not technically, but you are very unconscious at this point.

But you don't get any saving throw there.

Then Norm is already dead.

I'm going to need Wayne

to make a dexterity saving throw and

Greg to make a dexterity saving throw.

You have at least a plus three

on this and

unfortunately, Greg, you have a minus one.

Yeah. Hey, it's Rhea from

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And Abercrombie has the ones to go out in. Their Scarlet Mini is a classic.
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Shop their newest arrivals in-store and online. 15 or higher.
I got a 16. 16.
Success. Not success, unfortunately.
Am I rolling or no? I'm dead. You are dead, unfortunately, so no hit points to speak of.
Would have been an 8. Absolutely.
And then the last of the ghouls actually passed its saving throw. That's good.
The ghouls are good. It had taken 13 damage already.
It still has nine hit points left, that ghoul, and is probably going to get incinerated even with a passed saving throw. So would you like to use the dice roller or your dice to roll? Let's do it.
Let's go all rolls this time. Wait, Tim, didn't you say earlier at the start of the show that when Hank does his fireball, he's liable to hit himself sometimes? No, that was the fucking Eldritch Blast, dude.
Keep up. The Eldritch Blast is what he gets disadvantaged for.
No, when you were saying comparing Hank's abilities to Cake's abilities, he's less accurate with his and he could hit himself. It's true.
He can't spell shape to avoid people who are in the

fireball squares. But what he can always

do is just fire a fireball far

enough in that he's outside

of the range of it. So that's in theory what

you did last time and what you could do this

time. You can use the dice roller

here no problem to just

roll 8d6s.

The cube shaped dice.

And it will add up all those for you. It will also tell you in the top right.
Two, two, four, four, three. Well, how many? I'm assuming it's going to add it up for you, and it will be eight in all.
Six, six, 32. 32 in all? And is that all? That's all the D8s.
So 32 is going to be for the paladin. You, Greg, had one point of damage on you when we last saw you.
You now have 33 damage. Does that take you down? 33? No.
It does not. Absolutely, Greg.
We're still up and running. Worth the risk.
I have 33. The ghoul.
Absolutely. You have 10 left in that case.
The ghoul, I'm sorry to say, does go down looking at you sadly. A good soldier.
Absolutely. A good soldier.
And then Erlich, you had passed. Sorry, Wayne, you had passed your saving throw.
So you're only going to be getting 16 points of damage.

And you had 13 already on you, so that's going to bring you up to 29 damage. How many hit points do you normally have? 38.
38, so you are also still... That saving throw fucking saved you.
It really did absolutely save you. And so, Ehrlich, that was your action.
You have no spells at all left. Except for your Eldritch Blast and Mage Hand and other cantrip spells.
You should have killed me when you had the chance, bitch. Would you like to do anything with your move or your bonus? You gotta regret that.
You could run further away from them. I'll hex PFT.
I'll hex Wayne. Yeah, you are hexed now.
You get to pick a ability score to hex. Do you pick his strength, his dexterity, his constitution, his intelligence, wisdom, or charisma? Let's go strength.
Strength, absolutely. Your strength is now hexed.
You have been given a hex of weakness, Wayne. This fucking guy.
He's got like 17

turns. And that is the end of

Ehrlich's turn then. Unless you're doing any

moving. Unless you're moving further away from them.

No, I'm good. Okay, absolutely.

And then Greg, that brings us to you next.

What would you like to do? This might be the last turn.

I'd like to desecrate Norm's corpse.

I don't want him to come back to life.

I mean, we could take out

Wayne and just get out of here. Or he could take out Ehrlich.
He's weak. How much health do they each have? Dude, don't count Ehrlich.
Ehrlich just tried to turn on you a second. I have Ehrlich.
No, I did not. You knew the fireball.
You knew it was going to hit me. Yes.
I knew you were going to die. Yes.
I would like to divine smite Ehrlich. Yes.
Yes. For purposes of divine smite, I would say Ehrlich counts as a fiend, and so I will let you make an attack against Ehrlich right now.
That's not smart. And that is with your long sword, a d20 plus six to hit him.
Get his ass, Nick. Come on, Nick.
He will turn on you so fast. 13.
Yes. A 13 plus 6 is a 19.
A solid hit against Ehrlich.

And I would like to know,

you have first...

I think you only have...

Let's just see.

First level spell slots.

You have second level spell slots.

Would you like to use a first level smite

or a second level smite?

Which one hurts him more?

Second level smite.

I think that's what I'll do.

Absolutely.

So first roll the long sword damage.

That's a D8 plus 3. Ehrlich, are you at full hit points right now? Or what hit points are you at? No, he isn't.
No, I took some damage. Yes, that's right.
You're at 20 out of 38 right now, Ehrlich, I believe. Yep.
So how'd you do on that first roll? Or that was it. That was it right there.
No, he's only done one roll. It was a one.
Yeah, one. You rolled twice.

You're going to roll a lot more.

You're going to roll a lot more.

Okay, yeah, keep going.

This was what your normal sword would have done,

is four damage so far against Ehrlich.

But then with your smite,

a second level smite normally deals not one, not two, but 3d8.

Oh, you're doing a little LeBron heat shit there.

If the target's not a demon, if the target's a demon,

it's 4D8. Would you like to use

the dice roller on this? Yes. I would, yes.

Absolutely. Go ahead and roll

4D8s. 7.

Nice. 4,

2, 7.

20 more damage. That's

24 damage. He's dead.
Well, that's the exact

right amount of damage to kill Hank.

44 damage is enough

To take down Ehrlich

Yes

Fuck you bitch

Welcome to the afterlife

Ehrlich drops down to zero

You hit me with a fireball

I knew you were going to live

No you didn't

I had to take the risk

No you didn't

Yeah I did

There's one verse four

I'm sorry. No, you didn't.
I had to take the risk. No, you didn't.
Yeah, I did. There's one verse four.
The two of them were down. Now, Greg, it's just you and Wayne standing left.
Your other teammates are either dead or bleeding out right now. We'll just get out of here and go back to the bar.
And I will just ask, since this may be our final turn, you can keep moving, and as a paladin at level five, you get two attacks with your action, and you've only used one. I'd like to use my second attack, Tim.
Who would you like to use it against? There's a door in the north of the room. I don't see it.
Okay, absolutely. There's no ghouls to target.
Of course, Nick's going to win. Wayne's looking around at who you might be going after.
What would you like to do? I would like to attack Wayne. Fuck you.
All right, let's do it. Are you going to use a divine smite against him? Why would I not? Absolutely.
Why would you not at this point? Go ahead and roll a d20 plus six. You need to get a 50 or higher to hit the bar.
Fuck. Seven! Oh, no.
The plus six, that's only a 13 against the Bard Wayne. We should just get out of here.
We should just split, right? Norm is dead. The ghouls are dead.
Wayne's turn would be next. Do we just want to see what Wayne does in the finale? Yeah, let's do it.
Wayne. Do I have weakened strength right now? You do have weakened strength.
However, nothing you do except athletic skills depends on strength. Your weapons depend on your dexterity, and your magic depends on your charisma.
So while you might be in trouble if somebody tries to push you right now, that's the only thing you'd be in trouble about. Okay.
They could have tried to tackle you, and that would have been very effective.

But instead, you easily dodge the sword, swipe, and you can do whatever you want on your turn.

Okay.

I kind of want to just get out of there and leave Nick to kill all my friends.

Absolutely. I want to go home.

Absolutely.

If you want to make a run for it, I would just make sure you're not using any spells.

Like Misty Step would be a spell for getting out of here quicker, or if you have some other spell that you think would get you out of here quicker. Let's see.
I've got... You gotta try to kill him.
You have to try to kill him. I don't have any good things to hit him with.
Hit him with your best shot. I've got Thunder Wave.
He has about 10 hit points left. Thunder Wave at third level could do the job.
Come on. Okay, then I'm gonna go Thunderwave.
Absolutely. You have him right next to you because he just charged up into melee with you.
To be fair, if you ran away from him without a Misty Step or something, he gets a free attack as you're running away. So instead you turn to him.
What does it look like as you blast him with a wave of force? You fart. Of course, you never turn around.
You just in his direction. as that fart blasts you I'm gonna need you Greg

to Brave, of course. You fart.
Of course, you never turn around. You just in his direction.
Yep. As that fart blasts you, I am going to need you, Greg, to make a constitution saving throw.
You have a plus two on this. If you can get a 15 or higher, you'll only take half damage.
It's an 11. Oh, no.
It's an 11. It's not enough, even with the plus two.
And so you would be dealing four D8s worth of damage

if you would like to take the dice roller.

That is the number in the middle.

Or the dice in the middle right there.

I do four.

You have to roll four

of the D8s.

First one was an eight. Eight is

already a great start. He's got two hit points

left, that means.

Second one is a four. Four is already

doing the trick. Three.

Six. Run it up!

The paladin Greg,

follower of Siric,

is knocked unconscious,

and you are the last

one standing, Wayne. Is there

anything else you would like to do on your turn?

I'd like to piss all over

everybody. Absolutely.
That's not what I wanted to hear, Tim. Everyone.
And there are some people making saving throws. They may live or die.
No, they're going to get pissed on no matter what. They're getting pissed on no matter what.
Pass it around for us. No, he hasn't been the case.
And that is where we would finish up our game for today, then. Well everyone.
Tim now we get to do one thing with you. We're going to end the show here so you have to pick a number.
Everyone else pick their numbers because this will be the end of the show. So 1 through 100 I'll put this back in here.
Hank's never won this by the way. Hank's never won this.
So do I have to guess a number in advance? Yep. Okay.
What's your number? 42. 42.
All right, I'm 26. 75.
27. 60.
Hank, you said 66? 62. 62.
3 for me. 75 for me.
What was it? 42, Tim? 42 is mine.

48!

So with that,

you are dead, Tim.

No! I've been slain!

Oh!

I die!

Alright, thank you, Tim. You're the best.

Absolutely my pleasure. Great to be back.

Love you guys. Absolutely.
We'll be right back. Without you Thank you.
I'll be glad. Without you, I'm a silhouette.

You stay in the light.

You're only now.

I'm shy.

I'm shy.

I'm shy.

I'm shy. I'm shy.
I'm sorry. I can't remember.
Take me on me.

Take me on the air.

Take me on me.

Take me on the air. Take me.
Take me.

I'm.

Take my stars.

Take me.

Take me.

Take me.

Take me.

Take me.

Take me.

Take me.

Take me. Take me.
Nothing can be I know Without you