Paul Bissonnette Talking Hockey And Guys On Chicks, Celtics & Grizzlies Win & Hot Seat Cool Throne

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On today's part of my take, we have our good friend Paul Bissonette. Biz Nasty in studio.
Awesome time with him. We talk hockey playoffs.
We do a little guys on chicks with him. We are recording the start of the show on zoom because we watched all the playoff games.
So you get all the recaps, the Celtics game, the warriors, Grizzlies game, the capitals game, the triple overtime game. We've got it all, but make sure you listen for biz as well.
He also has an awesome interview out now on spitting chiclets with Wayne Gretzky. Ever heard of him? The great one.
Go listen to that as well. And then we have hot seat, cool throne.
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Today is Wednesday, May 4th.

May the 4th be with you.

I mean, you have to say it. And we have wall-to-wall playoff action.
Holy shit. My head's spinning.
So many games. So many.
Let's give it up, though, for Hank and PFT for the PMT sweep tonight. Small claps because I don't want to wake Stella.
We're doing this after all the games via Zoom. That was very mean what you just you just did to our favorite son Jake why well because he's a Panthers fan oh well also since we recorded yeah yeah the heat last night yeah all right so oh yeah there we go that's yeah clap it up everybody wins Jake good job um yeah great night of playoff action I don't even know where we want to start I mean should we start with basketball and go to hockey we have a ton of hockey with biz yeah we start with basketball let's start with uh let's start basketball night i think the people want to know hank's thoughts right now he was the one that said he's not even thinking about the panic button turns out hank was right turns out making 23 pointers in a game is a good thing and you win most of those games when you're able to do that yes yeah i was i was traveling and by the time i got to my hotel and in front of the tv the game was over so that was always a nice uh a nice thing to when you like i was worried you'll hear about it uh coming up later on in the episode but for my sources on the ground inside the building they said grant williams locked up janice so they said a million degrees mini whomping still back on i.
I mean, that would help for Minnie Whomping because, like PFT said,

the Celtics just hit everything.

Jalen Brown was incredible.

Al Horford was incredible.

Grant Williams.

Grant Williams.

Although Grant Williams did try to legitimately arm bar Pat Connaughton.

He actually tried to snap his elbow in half.

It was Kelly Linnick.

Yeah, yeah. But that was what you expected.
expected i mean i think we all said it on sunday when the bucks won game one we're like this is going to be a seven game series both these teams are really really good and you expected an answer like this from the celtics tonight because they're a really fucking good team and now we get to watch it like counterpunch when it goes to Milwaukee for game three, which is, I think, on like Saturday. Yeah.
Saturday. When they said that, they're like, we'll see you Saturday in Milwaukee.
I was like, wait, what day is it? Is it Thursday? That's actually insane that we have to wait that long for it. But I think what we saw in game one, like the Celtics aren't going to shoot that poorly as they did in game one they're probably not going to shoot as good as they did tonight again in game three so it's like somewhere in the middle and obviously like the bucks i think i saw somebody tweeting about like hypotheticals about what would happen if true if uh if chris middleton had played today and they're they're like putting in his stats to the game his probable stats that's the level of stat of stat, like the deep analytics that we've reached now, where you're able to run like probable simulations.
If Chris Middleton had played tonight, he didn't play and they got smoked. It was just that was in itself a whopping.
It's when you have two really good teams, and we'll get to the Grizzlies because the Grizzlies had a great answer tonight as well when you have good teams at this point in the playoffs like it's hard it just you always expect that answer especially at home and I I actually like looked at the line beforehand and I was smart enough to be like the box is a total trap do not bet the box but I didn't have the balls to be like yeah the Celtics are going to want them but I feel like I get half credit for half credit for being like, do not bet the box. No big cat.
As someone who gambles as much as you do, you should know like that. Feel free to count that as a win.
Yeah. Like a straight up win.
That should be worth a unit. I just didn't have the balls to pull the trigger, but I knew right away.
I was like, that's pretty much the same line as Sunday. After the bucks beat them pretty soundly.
That makes no sense. Yeah.
It's like jazz music. The most important notes are the ones that they don't play.
The most important bets you'll ever make are the ones that you don't put in at the last minute. Yeah, so I mean, this is Saturday night.
What is Sunday, Tuesday, whatever the game is? Saturday, 3.30. Saturday, 3.30.
We'll be in Vegas. We'll be at noon.
Oh, geez. That's early.
That's early. 12.30.
Yeah, make sure you buy the fight this weekend weekend on the zone.com slash barstool make sure you buy that link you can hear us call the fight um hank you feeling good now you feeling back i feel good i feel back like you said i mean you're going to hear about some of my uh fears nightmare i literally had last night that has washed away mini whomping back on okay only other note i have is that i wish fucking nba home teams wore white agreed it pisses me off agreed but it is what it is i like the green jerseys though i think the green jerseys in boston always play i think they play in boston the black ones i don't think you should ever wear those at home the the um i think it should be you should have uh two jerseys for the playoffs and then

during the regular season you can do the alternates and that stuff but it's like you should have your home jerseys away jerseys and you wear your home jersey at home away jerseys nike ruined nba jerseys because there's like every team has 15 jerseys and they all wear like these weird jerseys we talked about this last year remember when the heat were just wearing the pacers jerseys They just ruined it.

Each team should have at most four jerseys we talked about this last year remember when the heat were just wearing the pacers jerseys like they just ruined it they there's each team should have at most four jerseys the all-time funniest is when you see the knicks in the playoffs and they're wearing they're literally wearing a jersey that has michael jordan on it yeah it's a black and they wear the black jersey the black court that's one of the worst looks ever when the knicks do that yeah you don't get more cocked as a next fan and then tuning in to watch your game or your team maybe win a playoff game and michael jordan is just staring in the face still gary v probably like sees that and he's like i want to just shoot myself and my whole family and then go make millions imagine imagine for a second all right so next game grizzlies warriors um great great answer by the grizzlies the warriors shot so so bad it also was like the eye poke cheap shot game of the century everyone got their eyes poked dylan brooks i i think gary payton's probably gonna be out for the rest of the playoffs that was that the way i judge like and i think they actually should just take this for flagrance going I judge. It's the only thing that you can make an analogy to pick up basketball and not sound like a douchebag, but I basically judge flagrant fouls.
Would this foul start a fight in a pickup basketball game? That one would have started a fight instantly. That's the one instantly not, not in everyone who's played pickup basketball knows there's difference.
There's, there's the jawing back and forth chest to chest these guys aren't actually going to fight and then there's the fight that would have dylan brooks what he did to gary payton it was like a double whammy in the air in his back terrible foul yeah it was awful that's that's literally as dirty as fouls get in basketball i can't even think of one that's worse than well like the undercut is pretty bad but this is like this is like the undercuts evil evil cousin this is the waluigi of undercuts where you're getting the guy from the back and you hit him in the head you're not in his hip i think he's got a broken elbow so that should be here's what they should do adam silver if you're listening i know you pay attention to all the social media that should be a a flagrant three. That's a flagrant three.
And if there's a flagrant three, here's the rule. The other team, they get to pick which one of your guys is kicked out of the game.
No, I was going to say, if it's flagrant three, it should not only be kicked out. You can kick anyone else out of the game, but you should also, if you advance, you should get to pick a player of the same stat levels to then be on your team for the next round i kind of as the guy that got hurt yeah right right like he like you lost gary payton jr you should now the warriors can find they can find someone in on the grizzlies roster that has like you can maybe make a rule it's got to be within like i don't know like 15 percent of their usage rate or whatever and you get to pick that person and that person's on your team if you advance you could yeah you could do that with the current player in the league you could do that with someone who's entering the draft already or you could take that player's dad so gary payton comes back and plays for your team the next round by the way what i i didn't even see it but was there like were people hating on john moran's dad i i went to look for john moran because he got poked in the eye and i was trying to see what was happening with him and like all the tweets it was one of those situations we talk about with twitter where you can't find the actual tweet like the bad tweet all you can find is people defending against the bad tweets it was like don't come at john moran's dad i couldn't find where the like the epicenter of this started but that seems like an absurd thing to even start tweeting about being like fuck fuck this dad who's like super supportive and always there for his son yeah it didn't make any sense to me that it's the one where 99 people are in agreement on something we should do that actually we.
We should just pretend like somebody was talking shit. Can you believe all the haters out there that say that Deuce Tatum isn't that cute? Well, here's the thing.
I think we've said it. Maybe we haven't, but we have a live stream that we're going to do an overnight sleepover live stream that we're going to do at the end of May, and we're going to do Grit august so just get your plans ready but the live stream we got to kill a guy like we did with tim tim allen last time where he's just trending when everyone wakes up and i think we got to do that too where we just basically like defend someone and get them trending and be like why would anyone say anything bad about this person invent fake outrage yeah who's somebody that can never be hit? Weird.
I won't let them cancel Scott Van Pelt. You've come for a lot of people, but I will stand up and I will not let them cancel Scott Van Pelt.
Scott didn't do anything wrong. I think if you gave us all truth, sir, and we would say one night in college, we probably tried that.
The context looks bad in this situation, but you have to understand the full scope of what's going on. Yeah.
Yeah. Like I personally, I'm a personal friend of Scott Van Pelt and I'll just say this right now.
I've never known a more standup guy in my life. This is totally out of character.
Well, I can't defend the man's actions. I know that he's better than this and and he'll learn from this situation.
All right. Maybe not Scott, because he would get upset.
But someone. Someone we have to do it for.
That would be very funny. Jake Marsh.
Yeah. Yeah.
So Grizzlies, great answer. John Morant, he just hovers.
I don't understand it. He jumps up, and he just doesn't come down.
He does like six moves in the air every time he gets in the air tie he's one of those players that like time moves slower when he's in the air yeah it's like him um kyrie irving actually is one of those guys too when they get around the basket it's almost like they've already planned out the four things they're going to do in the air before they actually put the ball up gently off the backboard. It's just insane.
It's crazy. So that one goes to one one.
We should quickly talk about Jake's heat. Nice game one performance and beat out.
But I mean, that's you got to take care of business, right, Jake? Yeah. Tyler hero.
Great game from him off the bench and still know Kyle Lowry. So they continue to be disrespected and they continue to take care of business.
I love it. Everyone's disrespecting the Heat.
No one picked the Heat against the 76ers this series. I want Jake versus Hank so bad.
Yeah, I do too. That might actually be what ends the podcast.
Yeah. It would be so great to watch.
Our two bosses. Yeah, just going at it head-to-head.
Is your microphone taped to your stand?

I know we talked about this.

Maybe it was off the air the other day, PFT,

but if you poked the top of it, would it fall?

No, I have it balanced using a system of the simple machines.

No, no.

So, like, watch.

Papping it right now.

Not falling.

I've got a wedge system.

I've got a pulley system all in one. And it's because somebody stole my mic clip so i had to improvise i'm sorry i'm sorry for it's just no it's okay you're cc like hank hanks no hank's gonna i'm gonna get written up yeah you're gonna get written up and you're also gonna probably like there will be a new mic stand at your door tomorrow morning but you also have have to pay for it.
Oh, for sure. Yeah.
I actually added on overnight postage to this. That'll be coming out of your paycheck.
And then the Suns, that was a classic game that if you didn't watch that game and you woke up and saw the box score, you're like, whoa, tight one. But it was just the Mavs decided to like make a furious run to try

to cover the spread and the Suns also like started playing super super slow at the end of the game that wasn't really close the Suns handle business pretty easily against the Mavs yeah I think what we've learned from from this series is the most important Suns in order for me I've got Booker number one,

eight and number two,

McGee,

number three,

Chris Paul,

number four,

and then Crowder number five. Okay, so McHale Bridge is number three for me.
Over McGee. His defense is what? Over JaVale McGee.
Yeah, his defense is incredible. Then I'll go McGee.
Then I'll go Jay Crowder. Then I'll go Chris.
So Chris so Chris Paul sixth man of the year there we go congrats Chris we find listen people say that nobody respects Chris Paul on this podcast we just gave him the award that some said should have gone to Steph Curry yeah congrats to Tyler Hero he actually did win the award tonight but uh that was that was also such a funny thing because who cares about the sixth man of the year but But I follow so many people on gambling Twitter, and it was so apparent that I just missed the memo that everyone before the season started bet on him because it was the most reaction I've ever seen for sixth man of the year. There were just tweets all up and down my timeline being like, cash those tickets.
I was like, shit, where the fuck did I miss this? What a weird thing to bet on, too. It's so funny.
Speaking of which, last thing on the NBA, and then we'll talk hockey. LeBron coming at the voters tonight.
I'll read his tweet. He said, Ja, so damn tough.
There's no way Ja should even have been in most improved player talks. He won that award.
The guy is a flat-out star and always has been. Real basketball brains know not the majority of dweebs who don't even watch basketball on those voting ballots.
Yeah. Well, you should also add to that that brain was the emoji for brain.
Yes. Real basketball brain, not dweebs.
I love LeBron James on social media, man. It's the best.
He's basically like living the college sorority life that he never got to because he went straight to the NBA. Between his emoji game and then the egregious amount of Instagram stories that he puts up, this guy, he's no different than like a 22-year-old in Tridel.
It's incredible. And just going after the dweebs who do you think the dweebs i mean he's probably talking about russillo yeah oh i would say um probably goldsbury too right yeah he's these are guys we all love but like they you know i think of those three guys i think dweebs big time d windy dweeb big time dweeb who's when i love windy yeah when horst oh i was trying to set you up for one hank just throwing you an alley-oop on that one um all right let's go to let's talk a little hockey and then we'll go to hot seat cool throne back in biz.
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Part of my take slots. Who would have thought? What a world.
I fucking love it. Hockey.
I mean, the caps. Let's start with the caps.
There you go. PFT.
They shocked the world. They shocked the world.
They shocked me a little bit. You'll hear later on this episode, we talked to biz.
I I'm having a hard time believing in these caps as of eight hours ago, right now, I'm almost fully back. I'm like 79% of the way back to declaring that these caps are different, that these caps, it's our year again.
Uh, it was, it's, I mean, it's impressive what they they did they missed tom wilson he was out for almost the entire game after he scored um someone took a cheap shot at him probably which is just disrespectful and then uh we we lost carlson at the end too i hope he's okay but it was a it was a great game like we kind of ran into a hot goalie again but we kept going we we ended up you know scoring you know the empty netter at end but then we were putting all the pressure on him the second third period so like i'm i'm dangerously close to believing again and uh i yeah i'm excited i'm like fully excited now i was i was bummed out going into it now i'm like you know what we can win this series and you know as good as i think the Rangers are, it would be incredible for one last Penguins cap series

with these guys that have gone at so many times.

You get the two bands going at it one last time.

That's what I'm hoping for.

But, you know, can't look ahead, Big Cat.

You know that.

Yeah, one game at a time.

And it was funny because when we do talk to Biz,

you'll hear us like he was talking up Florida,

how good they are.

I was having a conversation in the kitchen earlier

I'm sorry. It was funny because when we do talk to biz, you'll hear us like he was talking up Florida, how good they are.
I was I was having a conversation in the kitchen earlier. It was maybe yesterday talking about the Stanley Cup playoffs like and someone was like, yeah, it's wide open.
And then they got corrected. They're like, except the caps, they're not going to win.
And I was like, oh, OK. And then, boom, there they go.
That's the best part about hockey playoffs. Yeah.
Yeah. So if there's one thing that the capitals know how to do it's it's to make the best regular season team in the nhl go home early we usually do it to ourselves but we know that we know the roadmap right now so it's it's actually kind of refreshing to a certain extent to be like the team that is disrespected with zero expectations right whatsoever on and here's a little sabermrics for you, Jake.
I think you'll probably appreciate this one. The caps went on a three Oh run after they showed Kodak black on the jumbotron at the.
Wow. Wow.
Jake, I guess bad luck charm. I don't know.
I just saw, I know that they've been known as the comeback cats this season. I saw there were like 34.
Oh, and one when leading entering the third this year. I don't I don't know if they're if they're the comeback cats.
I think Kodak Black is the one that specializes in that building. Mm hmm.
Okay. We also had like a classic game one Penguins Rangers three overtimes.
times, Louis the announcer just kept on saying his name because he's the backup goalie for the Penguins that came in and shut the door on them because their starter got hurt they're just like Louis Deming Louis Deming what a game but also if you're a Rangers fan I mean it's over I don't want to say it's over but it's the worst feeling you can't lose a triple overtime game and they got screwed if you're watching the game in with three minutes left in the regulation they got they scored a goal and that was called called for goalie interference but it was very clear that the penguins player pushed the rangers player into the goalie and they then go to overtime three overtimes at home where everyone like at the end is like a you know a drunk guy just fumbling around on the ice and they lose i there's no worse feeling than having committing i think it was six and a half hours close to seven hours no no sorry six hours six hours of your time or five hours whatever it was six and a half hours. Close to seven hours.
No, no, no. Sorry, it was six hours.

Six hours of your time, five hours, whatever it was,

of your time into a hockey game and coming away with absolutely nothing.

Like the worst feeling.

At least you have the ref screw this card.

You have the NHL rig card big time because not only was that penalty

very questionable, but also I think they only called one penalty in the entire game on the Penguins. So you can always go back to that and be like, we got fucked over.
It's us against the world. I feel bad for Rangers fans.
I really do. Like that's it's so demoralizing to lose a double or triple over time game and playoffs.
And this is what we talked about last week on the show, which is your bodies are not ready for these long games. And to have it happen in game one, that sucks.
It'll suck the soul right out of you. And it was against the backup goalie too.
And if you're in the building, guess what? Oh yeah, they stopped selling beer after the second period. So you have to just be sober.
You're hungover by the end of this game. Yes no they need to change the rule i know feidelberg our colleague always has ahead of it he has uh overtime insurance peers uh when it gets to the third period of a playoff game which is genius he just loads up and he's then at the end if it doesn't go to overtime he just has to chug them but who the fuck cares some teams out a way.
Like, I don't know if you have to prove that you didn't drive to the game, but like figure out a way to keep serving beer into overtime because you lose your home like advantage because everyone's exhausted and hung over and cranky. Yeah.
So just sneak a flask into the game. That's all you have to do.
Yeah. Overtime flask.
the the one of the funniest moments of the night and then we'll we'll go to hot seat cool throne the avalanche just shit pumped the predators and our good friend the boy taylor luon who by the way taylor and will are hopefully going to be coming to the office next week um will text me we're going to have both them on which would be great but the predators tweeted uh two two zero and he just quote tweeted and said nashville hockey town and the predators were like no no we're down two zero and by the time they had replied they were down three zero and then like two minutes later they're down four zero i think the first period was five nothing avalanche and it was just like it happened so I mean it happened like an avalanche it was just so great for him to just have to like sit there and be like wait fuck what what happened I thought we were up to nothing like I caused this I caused it was the most dangerous lead in hockey but the other way around because he misinterpreted that's why he needs to be at these games well i'm gonna i'm gonna defend him here it if you're down to zero you need to say zero two yeah it was it was the official team account they tweeted out two zero zero yeah that's not the right nomenclature correct that's not no one and you don't say you're down zero to put you don't think that to zero.

You say to nothing, them to nothing bad guys.

Right.

But it just said to zero.

So Taylor was like, oh, fuck.

Right.

To zero.

No, you have to do zero to your team.

Your team score goes first.

Yes.

It's only tennis.

What?

Well, you never talk.

You never talk to a friend and be like, oh, we're down zero to always.

Yes.

We're down. Oh, too.
Yeah. Like we just lost the game 14-17? I guess it's true.
I guess from an announcer standpoint, whenever somebody on TV or the radio is saying it, they always lead with the winning score, right? Yeah, but they say the teams. Yeah.
Or they'll say, like, the Predators are trailing 2-0. Yeah.
Right. But right but yeah i think we should just normalize always saying your team first no matter what like i don't know if you guys saw but the cubs lost one to three tonight and there was a fight in the bleachers and the guys were so gassed out it was it was literally slow motion in real life you know what my favorite part of that fight was i don't know if you caught this but there's a guy in the background and he's politely asking the old dude to stop kicking the other guy in the head and he's wearing a positive vibes only hat well he's yeah i mean that's that's those are our guys and and also i like bill burr yelling twist his dick so it was literally bill burr's doppelganger i don't know what it'd be voice doppelganger vopp Voppelganger.
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't know.

I don't know if there's a name for it.

It's fucking 1245 in the morning.

Okay.

Anything else?

Great night.

Great night of sports.

Anything?

What else you got?

We had some things in the Yankee game.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They hit a home run.

Aaron Judge hit a home run.

And the guy in the outfield for the Blue Jays caught it, and then he handed it calmly to the young man behind him. There was a playoff action all around.
And then John Sterling on the call was like, and that'll be out number three. Yeah, yeah.
And look at that father giving his son a baseball. There was one person who quote tweeted, though, on on their timeline it was that video and then me tweeting about the cubs fight in the bleachers and it was like canada versus us and i was like yeah i'd take us in this like did you see that fight that was awesome those guys were in the they were literally in the hallway in inception fighting like it was fucking sick the uh the i I think it was the official team account of the Blue Jays tweeted out,

a young Yankees fan is crying in the outfield

as a Blue Jays fan hands him a home run ball.

And I got so excited reading the first part of the sentence

to see just a weeping Yankee fan kid out there.

And then it's like, oh, no, they're just being Canada nice.

Yeah, too nice. You think that that would happen in the Bronx they fucking throw the ball off your face they throw the kid into the outfield if I caught it I would give it to a Blue Jays fan if he if a Vlad Jr.
home run we don't want you in the Bronx Zoo. Fine.
Not a bleacher creature.

One more thing, just as a public service reminder to anyone in the D.C. area,

because the Capitol scored in the last minute, you get free McNuggets tomorrow.

Don't forget that.

It was a McNugget minute.

Huge.

Could have used one more goal for the over, but whatever.

That would be nicer than the McNuggets.

It almost happened.

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Hank, hot seat, cool throw. So this is before Hank knows if he's down 2-0 or not.
So if he sounds happy and then with the start of the show was down, that is why. Can I just say something? I'm concerned.
I literally had a dream. Oh, no.
I had a dream the Celtics lost, and I was pissed off. I woke up pissed off, and then I was like, wait, it's 1-0 still.
Okay. So we'll see.
I mean, this will be interesting because at the start of the show, we know the answer. That's very Marcus Smart of you to wake up pissed off because of something that hasn't happened yet.
Yeah, it was weird. It was like my alarm went off early, and then I went back to sleep sleep you know when you go back to sleep for like 30 minutes you have the most insane dreams yeah and then you wake up like yes what the fuck just happened and they're very vivid i woke up like pissed off how'd you lose the game i don't remember i don't know it's inception you don't really remember the specific details obviously isn't life for you then well no if you were if it was you would dream the break down the film of my dreams.
Yeah. Got it.
Well, speaking of hot seats, my hot seat is John Sterling. Yeah.
I think this is a bit at this point. Actually, because I don't know if you guys have seen, and they're funny videos, but it's like a meme format.
It's like the juice ball era was crazy where they just show clips of home runs, but it'll be someone bunting, and then it cuts to it turning into a home run. I thought that this was happening with John Sterling, where people were video shopping him, making a wrong call, but I think it was real.
No, it was. It was very real.
It was totally real. For the third time, it wasn't even close.
Well, no, John- Like, he's blind. Here's what I'm going to say.
He's blind. In his defense, Giancarlo should have thrown the ball back in, because it was confusing that he didn't.
It, even though he clearly did. It was extra confusing that the lady in the booth was like, Susan Waldman, legend.
We'll put the call on. That's disrespectful.
That's very disrespectful. We'll put the call on.
Roger, Roger's in the box. I remember that.
Of all the dramatic things I've ever seen, I didn't grow up watching the Yankees on TV or listening to them on the radio. But she was like, the ball didn't go out.

She has to walk him through the calls now.

It's bad, Jake. It's like he has a seeing eye dog.

Jake, I mean, what are you?

Yeah, put the call in.

Pitch, one, two.

Swung on, hit the air to right.

Back goes Stanton on the track at the wall, leaping, and she is gone.

It is a home run.

They're all waiting, And why are they waiting? Because Stanton caught the ball. Oh, and coming off the field is Chapman.
Stanton never threw the ball back in. No, Stanton just robbed Chapman of a home run.
Wow, what a play by Stanton. So that was the call.
Giancarlo Stanton made a great catch at the warning track at the wall. Jake, this is a legend of the game.
He's your hero, I'd imagine. One of them.
What are you going to do? It's time to take him out back and shoot him in the face. No.
Metaphorically. Maybe.
Maybe. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, yeah, yes, yes. I think his contract's up at the end of this year.
He needs to quickly, like, make the decision so he can say that he's retiring and everyone can just heap praise on him

so that he doesn't have to deal with

what's going to probably happen

a few more times. He needs the retirement tour.

He is actually somebody

who is in need of retirement tour

to turn all the negatives into positives

this year. With the lockout, we're not even a month

into the season. Yeah, I know.

It's bad, Jake. It's

going to get worse. I'm not saying

he needs to step down or retire.

But

you probably just shouldn't be doing play-by-play.

You said it, not me. No!

That's as close as Jake will get to

saying he needs to step down or retire. Him literally

saying, I will not say that. Jake, you

think it. You know what you need to do, Jake, is you need

to create a correct call account for him. Because, I mean, there are a lot of calls in a baseball game.
So you should just tweet out everything he gets correct. He's probably still...
99.9%. Right.
Maybe. Right.
It's just, no, probably not. Definitely not.
No chance. And now, also, every time I see a clip and hear his voice, I'm like, what hilarious thing is about to happen? So, yeah,'s getting it's like late francesa where it's like you if you become a parody of yourself it becomes more clicks yeah but that's true people remember it was hilarious oh he's very funny but i don't think francesa in the end was funny but then he also was so funny then he made them take down the funhouse account which was like posting all the clips.
He was so mad that people were roasting him that he got it taken down.

Right.

Francesa was funny for everyone, just like John Sterling's funny for everyone.

But I don't think Francesa was happy that he was being mocked.

I don't think John Sterling's happy he's being mocked.

He's a very nice guy, though.

Oh, sure.

Great guy.

Do the Yankees play the Phillies this year?

Oh, you met them?

Because I actually think that Castellanos could end John Sterling's career on an incorrect drive to left field. Ooh.
I feel like the East always plays the East, so probably. Or at least they always play the Mets.
It's bad, Jake. You got to have a statement ready to go.
Me? Yeah. Yeah, this is on you.
It's on behalf of the profession. Yeah, it's absolutely on you.
You're not only like you stand up for journalists, but you're also a Yankee fan. So, okay, Hank, your cool throne.
My cool throne, I have a couple. The first one is the Met Gala.
I know you guys are Galaniacs. Huge, yeah.
Galaxy. So I'm just curious, you know, what your favorite looks, who was the winners, who were the losers.
Blake Lively, there's a vibe. The Statue of Liberty dress.
Actually, Blake Lively, I think the woman yelled, it's a moment, which was very funny. It's giving me.
Yeah. I heard Eric Adams that ended gun violence.
He put a stop gun violence on the back of his jacket, the mayor of New York City. So that's it for that.
No one's ever going to get shot again.

NFL ended racism.

He ended gun violence.

Uh-huh.

Now, what is the Met Gala?

How we figured out what happens inside the Met Gala?

We've been working on this for about, what, five years?

Fundraiser for the Met Gala.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's just rich people just showing off how rich they are.

I like the Met Gala for that reason.

It does give us one moment a year for us to be like, look at these absurdly out-of out of touch rich people. It's almost like cartoonish.
Yeah. People get very upset about it.
I like the people that get upset about people that don't follow the trend or whatever the theme is. Oh, what was the thing? Nice dress, but not the right theme.
What was the theme? Being rich. Jared Leto, that was a look.
So it turns out it wasn't him. Oh.
It was someone else. Either way, I think, yeah.
I thought the same thing. Yeah.
Nemecal, something else, something else. The Kardashians, Slade.
Frederick Robinson? Robertson. Robertson, okay.
Then my other cool throne was academics because Jameis graduated. Yes.
Yeah. Congrats, Jameis.
Inspirational. What a scholar.
That could be me one day. Need him on the show.
But good job, James. Congratulations.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable accomplishment.
He did. It did.
Look, anyone who goes to the NFL is like, I'm going to keep going to school when I'm making millions. Deserves all the credit in the world.
I would not do that. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah. Well, yeah.
You just got a job at Barstool and dropped out of college. Right.
Right. Like, yeah.
It's crazy. So did Liam.
Yeah, I know. So it's crazy that these guys, like, anyone who finishes college, after making millions, they deserve all the credit in the world.
That's what Hank always says now that he's CEO. He says, fuck your business degree.
You don't need that. Yeah.
You know who also didn't graduate college? Kobe Bryant. Dwight Howard.ard lebron scott yeah kg uh all right pifty your hot seat cool i just looked this up the uh the theme for the met gala this year was the gilded age ah which is just yeah just rich people rich people from a different time yeah let's pretend that we were rich back when rich people had it even better than they have it yeah time traveling is rich people to other people to other rich people.
What was the Gilded Age, for those that might not know? The Gilded Age, when everything was gold. Yeah, I think it was around the turn of the century, maybe? No? Yeah, that's me vibes.
1870 to 1900. Okay, that was close.
Yeah, that's turn of the century. Okay, PFT, your hot seat, cool drone.
Okay, my hot seat is Hugh Jackson, because the NFL just conducted an investigation to Hugh Jackson's claims that he was paid to throw games, and they concluded that, no, it's literally impossible to tell whether or not Hugh Jackson was intentionally losing games or if he was just being Hugh Jackson since there's such a big body of work behind him to establish the fact that this is what Hugh Jackson does. That's tough.
It's like the lines are so blurred between being shitty and throwing games, we can't make a decision here. Yeah, there's not a jury in the world that would convict Hugh Jackson of doing anything intentionally, much less losing games.
Damn. Which is what he would normally do.
Poor Hugh Jackson. But Hugh Jackson did succeed in what Hugh Jackson does best, which is getting his name in the news for like three weeks.
Well, all he has to do with that is just text Mike Silver. That's true.
He's got a pretty big – it's like pleading insanity. It's like Hugh Jackson.
He's just charged with being Hugh Jackson. Right.
You can't charge him with incompetence. Yes.
My cool throne is unknown substances in your workout supplements because that's what DeAndre Hopkins is saying happened to him. He got suspended for six games next season, which is going to be the first six games of the year.
Remember what I said on Thursday night? There's something weird going on. Something weird going on.
I did say that, did I not? I was like, there's something weird going on. The fact they're getting all these receivers.
They have DeAndre Hopkins. We were trying to figure out if Hopkins was going to be hurt going into next season.
Turns out he's just going to be out going into next season. And so he's working hard to find out how this could have possibly happened.
And his defense, it looks like it's landing on, well, I tested negative in October and I tested negative in December. So how is it possible that I could have tested positive in November of last year? So his team is working very diligently to see what can happen.
Wasn't it three different steroids? That didn't. Dude, I'm telling you, that never added up because I saw Albert Breer wrote something after he got suspended being like, it was like the absence was why they pursued all these wide receivers and did all these strategies.
I felt it. I don't know what.
Again, I thought I didn't say it was PEDs, but I felt something was up. I thought maybe the injury wasn't healing that fast.
Either way. That's what it sounded like to me.
It makes sense now. It just got like a bunch of fast dudes.
It makes total sense. But he was saying like he's taking a holistic approach to his recovery, which means he was probably taking all sorts of shit from weird yoga moms.
He was probably doing like the herbal thing that has all the goop. He was doing the Gwyneth Paltrow recovery, and I don't think that she labels her products correctly.
Billy? Thoughts, Billy? Steroids? He was recovering from a knee injury. He was probably using some sort of HGH or something to help heal it.
By accident. Allegedly.
The HGH that got slipped into Gwyneth Paltrow's candle. I think you should be able to use steroids for injuries.
That part should be legal. I don't understand why HGH isn't legal yet.
I feel like we've had enough studies on it where... What can it classify as an injury? Surgery.
Any type of surgery, you can use HGH for like a month. Kickstart it.
HGH can mess up your pituitary gland and also increase risk of cancer. If you have a tumor, any cancerous cells, it'll increase cancer production.
Yeah, I don't know anything about HGH, but I'm just going to take a wild guess that the drug that makes you feel young and strong again probably has some side effects. That usually how life works yeah like anything that anything that's awesome yeah actually sucks yeah anything that makes you that makes you gives you the ability to turn back time it's just gonna kill you sooner i was thinking about that the other day name one thing that's good that people love that isn't actually bad for you exercise now you can get hurt we don't love it playing sports that's fun get hurt you can get hurt sometimes you won't get your degree for five years I like to walk you like walking yeah I do I walk actually big cat does make us walk around a lot I walk I love walking no you don't I dude look at my fucking Fitbit I'll show you my steps you don't remember when we first moved to New York and every time we'd want to go somewhere.
Yeah, because getting in cabs is crazy. Let's get in a cab or let's take a subway.
No, I'm public transportation. But Big Cal would be like, oh, it's only 20 minutes.
Let's just walk. Yeah.
Walking is the best. You control your own destiny.
You don't have to deal with Ubers or trains or anything. You are your own transportation.
Walk. go that's your answer all right my hot seat is uh ball sacks because luca got hit in the ball sack on monday night by uh jay crowder and that is like just off the top of my head like the 15th nut shot we've had in the nba playoffs you saw uh robert williams got robert williams he almost died yeah they had to cut to commercial break because he fell down on center court.
I was like, oh my God, is he dead? And then he came back and he's like, no, he just got in the nuts. It's also very funny because I tweeted like, oh, Robert Williams got that deep in his belly feel.
And some verified Twitter account woman retweeted me. He was like, is this real? And it was like 150 replies of dudes being like, yes.
Very real. It's just very funny.
Women don't realize that childbirth is not that hard when you've gotten hit in the nuts and your balls feel like they're going to explode and your stomach feels like it's going to cave inside of itself. It's an immediate reaction.
Much worse than a period. Much worse.
It completely debilitates you. Much worse.
It's like having like all of your periods at once. Yeah.
So he, so, but this has been like a, it's not a, yeah, it's a pandemic because everyone just kicking each other in the balls. I really do think the NBA, like what would, Adam Silver is probably the number one commissioner to listen to the fans and like do things that the fans want to do to make the sport more fun.
If you get a flagrant one, you should get to kick the guy in the ball's back. In center court.
How awesome would that be for fans? To kick him. Yeah.
Well, that's what happened last night. Jay Crowder kicked Luka Doncic in the nuts.
So I feel like when we were growing up, did some people wear cups when they played basketball? No, never. Absolutely not.
I think it happened in like the 90s. I think that there was a moment where they wore cups.
No. That sounds like you wore a cup playing basketball.
No, I never wore a cup playing basketball. No chance.
I'm saying like professional athletes. No.
Cups in general are just an awful invention is what I'm getting at. Because if you've ever been hit in the nuts when you wear a cup, it's a different type of hurt.
It actually hurts kind of the same, but it hurts a little bit more. Well, if it hits dead on, there are like, say, playing baseball, you've definitely had a moment where it's hit the cup perfectly and it's like, ooh, nothing happened.
That was awesome. That's a great feeling.
The catcher. Yeah.
The catcher. That's a great feeling.
That's really the only position that I think should think should work up uh but yeah we need a new rule to deter this happening which i mean you're telling me that you wouldn't like be a little extra excited to go to a game being like tonight i might see a guy just get smoked in the nuts what if we went the other way it's jackass so jackass in the nba it is it is funny to see whenever it happens right it gives all of us a nice little laugh. If it happened more, that would almost be better.
What if it was like... Almost broke up this podcast.
Yeah, it's true. If you get hit in the nuts, then it's not a foul.
The penis is not a part of the body. Yeah, that would be bad because then Draymond would just like, he would just be grabbing dude's dicks.
Deli Hall of Famer. Ugh.
When your home system or appliance appliance breaks down american home shield will help fix or replace the covered item no matter its age visit ahs.com slash listen for 20 off any plan see ahs.com slash contracts for coverage details limitations and exclusions all right uh my cool throw is reds fans the reds are let me see what their record is. It's actually 3-19.
They might have, they're on pace to have the worst record ever. I don't know if that's actually true, but 3-19 is so so bad and they're trying to lose.
And a Reds fan posted yesterday saying during the Friday May 6th game against the Pirates, I will be scaling the wall to defecate in the bed of the toyota tundra if anyone can take photos of me i'd appreciate it also if anyone's down to also shit in the bed of the truck meet me under the smokestacks in the top of the fourth inning cheers i just like that reds fans are fighting back this is how you fight back this is how democracy works guys get the streets, make us think about it. I do, I kind of in a weird way respect what the owner of the Reds said.
I think that they're scumbags, but they said, like, when the fans were having an outcry before the season started, they said, well, what are you going to do? Go watch a different team? No, you live in this neighborhood, you're going to come to our games, and you're going to like it. At least they they're being honest because i think that there are a lot of baseball owners that are intentionally not trying to win games and they have that mentality of like we're the only game in town you have to you have to come see your games at least by him saying this they're being honest and maybe it will make people go shit in their trucks and i'll go one further i like i haven't thought i hadn't thought about this until right this second when you said that that you respect his honesty even though they're being dickheads i wouldn't be surprised if they saw the bengals go to the super bowl and they're like people are in a good mood we can be real fucking assholes right now yeah it's like they're just excited about the bengals we can get away with it yeah the town's happy in general right like so weillain.
We'll use the Bengals' wake and just be complete assholes because it's like the only time that

they can't complain about the Bengals.

Yeah, that is supervillain shit.

But yeah, the Reds, 3-19 is insane.

The next closest team is the Royals, 7-14.

But 3-19, what does that work out to, Jake? Quick math. I think I saw on pace for 22-140.
Oh my god. Holy fuck.
Oh my god. Oh my god.
Yeah, I just did it. It's 22 wins.
There has to be a minor league team that could get more than 22 wins in a season, right? I'll do you one further. The Savannah Bananas probably could.
Yeah. Hold on.
I saw a tweet the other day. There's a Mexican team that could absolutely fucking beat them because it was basically the entire top of the lineup was guys who have played in the MLB and guys who recently have played in the MLB.
They absolutely could beat the Reds. What? I'm looking for it.
Filibuster. And they have some good veterans on their team, too.
I think they're dealing with injuries. They have Tommy Pham.
You've heard of him. Mike Moustakas.
Joey Votto's still there. I don't know.
Yeah, I mean. Bring back Adam Dunn.
Yeah, bring the big donkey. Get all the old guys back.
Get Chris Sabo back. Eric Davis.
I bet you a Reds-Legends team could probably get more than 22 wins yeah i mean that's so so bad 22 wins just imagine being the guy that picked them to make the world series did you yeah you never know it's a long season i picked the mariners i think they're in first that's never gone bad for them will they be buying or selling at the trade deadline the reds that's interesting because they don't really have anyone sell. Well, they're also doing what Joey Votto's corpse.
They're doing the thing where if fans show up with trash bags on their head or like kind of shirts that are making fun of the team, they kick them out. Well, that's what happens.
If you don't let people exercise their First Amendment rights to show up with bags on their heads, they're just going to go further and take a shit in your Toyota Tundra. yes all right here it is i found it uh top five hitters in the um monclava lineup were keon broxton josh reddick addison russell chris carter and pablo sandoval they're better than the reds yes that team is better than the reds easily it's so crazy they should just that's fucking insane uh all right Billy.
My hot seat is Quebec. There's a bunch of polar bears that are surrounding Quebec, and they had to shoot one recently.
It's interesting that there's polar bears invading a city. Like they're teaming up? Like they're laying siege to the city? There's a bunch of polar bears just roaming in Quebec.
In cahoots with the truckers? They might be. This is like Freedom Riders? Yeah.
Like King's Landing all over again. Exactly.
Damn. And my cool throne is Minnesota and Canada.
The reason why they can't land good free agents to make their hockey teams good is because of taxes. Yeah.
That's what I found out. Yeah.
Also, all-time scumbag move by that Minnesota player last night. Oh my god! As a wild fan and watching the first game, I might as well just rip that ticket up and fucking throw it in the trash.
Yeah, let's save that. Let's bring it up with Biz.
But it was an all-time scumbag move. We'll get his take on it.
Jake, your hot seat, Cool Throne. My hot seat's Charles Barkley.
He doesn't know how to tie a tie. I don't know if you guys saw this video.
How is that possible? He wears a tie literally every day. Yeah, Ernie Johnson cracked him.
skinny uh part was longer than the thick part and ernie johnson called him out last night whoa did he have it like tucked into the yeah i think it's because of where he was sitting you couldn't really tell unless he called it out so there are certain things like as maybe we can do it as a mount rushmore in a month or two but like that you have to be able to how to do as a man. Otherwise, it's like throwing a baseball, tying a tie, changing a tire.
You don't have those? I'll be honest. I didn't learn how to tie a tie until senior year of college.
Really? Yeah, until I consistently had to start wearing suit. And we're just talking regular tie.
Bow tie, fuck bow ties. Billy actually tied my bow tie the other day.
You clip on a bow tie. Or you do the thing where it's got the strap that goes around you buckle it in dude that if you get like the legit bow tie that's weird jake you never had to take like a class that wasn't a class at syracuse we didn't have to start dressing up until like senior year we weren't on camera jake can you remind me as much uh when we're all back next week can we got to make a video that just is simply how to tie a bow tie i don't know i know but just have us being like please subscribe to part of my take because i feel like the how to tie a bow tie videos always get the most like that's immediately what people do because no one knows how to tie a bow tie it should be a documentary of us walking to men's warehouse purchasing one of the bow ties that you clip on and just saying subscribe to part of my take yes yes bill yes.
Billy did a good job. Sneaky is not that hard.
Yeah, but you also, I mean, you needed a, like, we pulled up how to do it. But it was a lot simpler than I thought it would be.
Yeah, I still, I just give up right away with bow ties. All right, Jake, you're cool, Jerome.
Also, speaking of reminders, did you guys see mine yesterday? Yeah, Jeffrey Toobin. So we have to jerk off with Jeffrey Toobin? Yeah.
The whole group has to just reach out to him.

What was the reminder?

If I were to guess...

The group had to jerk off with Jeffrey Toobin.

It was a year ago when Jeffrey Toobin came back on CNN

and they did that interview where they were like,

so you masturbated on a Zoom call?

And he was like, yes, yes, I did.

And I think at that point we're like,

we need to jerk off with Jeffrey Toobin.

So should I tweet him right now? I'd be like, hey, Jeff, you down to jerk off with me and the boys? That's what you guys wanted. I've got some time.
Yeah. Someone has to do it.
Let's just figure out who has to tweet it from their personal account. Can't put any context because it has to be until we wait until tomorrow morning when people get to this part of the show.
Let's do a ballgame. Okay.
Ballgame. What are we going to do? Closest to it has to tweet at Jeffrey Toobin.
Okay. Closest to it.
Yes. Yeah.
He's going to complain about TNT, but yes. We should recreate that viral video where it's like, are you watching porn alone? And then it's like, no, I'm with my boys.
Okay. Yes.
Yes. We'll include biz'll we'll include biz so he's about to sit down so jake you're cool thrown and then we'll get to biz and we'll do the ball game with biz and he's got to tweet it that would be oh man if he loses my cool throne is umpires admitting they were wrong umpire in the mets game chad fairchild he went up to the pitcher he's like my b and this is timely because joe west obviously didn't admit he was wrong about never wrong yeah yeah he like he looked at and made eye contact and gave the pat to the pitcher and he's like, my B.
And this is timely because Joe West obviously didn't admit he was wrong about it. He admits it is never wrong.
Yeah. Yeah.
He looked at him, made eye contact, and gave the pat to the belly. The universal sign.
So we should give the spotlight to umpires who do well. Agreed.
The only poop on the ones who make bad calls. The only problem with that, Jake, is all protein bars generally taste the same, but not one bars.
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We'll see you next time. bars at a retailer near you or on amazon.com exclusively uh dazone.com slash barstool d-a-z-n.com slash barstool buy the fight at dazone.com slash barstool for access to our broadcast we will be on the call saturday night live from vegas do it it's going to be guaranteed fun knockouts comedy everything dazone.com slash barstool please use that link so you can watch us and have exclusive access to our broadcast to zone.com slash barstool okay here he is our good friend paul bissonette okay we now welcome on our good friend paul bissonette biz nasty you can see him on tnt with Wano.
Do you go by Wano? Just got off a Zoom call with Wano.

He is fired up.

He says he feels like he's playing in these NHL playoffs. That's how pumped he is for our first playoff broadcast, which starts Thursday.
On TNT. Right, because ESPN started.
Thank you so much, Billy Football, who just got me a glass of water. Great assistant you have here.
Do you call him uh yeah i call him wayne i just that's that's cool yeah you know so so busy here spitting chicklets they got coverage all all hockey playoffs best hockey podcast in the world that's not even up for debate he's here in studio so biz we want to talk playoffs we have to do something though first so do you remember that guy on cnn jeffrey toin the legal analyst who got caught jerking off yeah i heard the story so for some reason we decided uh last year yesterday he came back to cnn so a year ago in a day and we told jake in a year's time write down a reminder that we should all see if jeffrey toobin wants off, have everyone jerk off on their own, but as a group kind of thing.

Okay.

Like on Zoom.

Yeah, on Zoom.

Not in the same room as each other.

We're not sickos.

But you guys can see each other from the waist up.

Yeah.

Ideally.

Eye contact only.

So we decided that someone in this room has to tweet at Jeffrey Toobin

and be like, hey, Jeff, you down to jerk off? Well, you you have the most followers so it should be you for sure did i pass you yeah yeah for sure how many do you have you had like a million in like 1998 i just i'm not as active as i used to be i just like i don't like i got i just you were like the first millie hockey player yeah but i also used to just go crazy on it tell people to fuck off and suck on my my ball bag. I didn't give a shit.
Maybe you can tweet Jeffrey Toobin. Alright, so you're in this.
The loser has to say, hey Jeffrey Toobin, want to jerk off with me and the boys? The last guy to come? Is that the loser? No. I think we're all winners.
It's not about a competition. It's just camaraderie.
Well, you just said the loser. How have the rules been established as to you would lose this competition?

Well, because the person who would lose the competition has to be the one that initiates the jack-off session.

So it's ping-pong balls.

It's totally random.

We're guessing ping-pong balls.

The loser of the ping-pong ball, so the person who's closest to the number that comes up,

has to tweet, hey, Jeffrey Toobin, you want to jerk off with me and the boys

and can't talk about it until tomorrow when this show comes out i'm not doing that why you might not lose for whatever what if tnt's like why are you asking the dude actually no that means he's my technically my co-worker because i work for tnt is that why you guys brought this up that's what he did initially he jacked off in front of front of his coworkers. Guess number one.
You can guess number one. There's like, I mean, what are the chances you get number one? I'll say 99.
Do you want to say 99? Yeah. All right, so get memes in here because he's got all of our numbers.
We texted memes. This is fucking, I guarantee this is rigged.
Look at Billy Football. He has no clue what's going on.
Here's the number. Are you wearing the same outfit as yesterday? Yes, he is.

Who's up second?

No, we all texted our numbers over.

So, I said...

So, Memes has them all.

So, someone's going to lose.

I want to get up and see this machine.

I think you guys are going to try and fuck me.

Are you picking 99 or Wayne Gretzky?

Oh, no.

It's 87.

Oh, no.

Who's closest, Memes? What were the numbers? Billy. No, no.
Billy did 69? That means biz is closest. 99.
Wait, closest has to do it? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was farthest away.
No. This game sucks.
Do you want to do farthest away and do one more spin? No, I want to get on to moving to questions about hockey, not me tugging off on a Zoom call with my co-worker. All right, one more spin furthest away.
That's fair. One more spin furthest away.
All right. So if it's like two, you're going to to lose I'm going to say 67 11 Who's furthest away? Billy Also Biz Billy is I changed my number I changed my number Too bad Billy Tweet it out buddy Do something around here Other than fucking Play tummy sticks with the liver king I don't think your mic's on You.
You're just all out of sorts. How come he can change his number? We let him because he's our guest.
Okay, I'll tweet it out. All right, so tweet it out.
We don't want this to get fired. Yeah, tweet it out.
I might get fired. No, no, no.
From what? You don't even have a job. Tweet it out.
Just tweet it as simple as possible. Hey, Jeffrey Toobin, you want to jerk off with me and the boys.
We're paying you in bone marrow from now on, now that your buddy's at the liver kick. What I love about this developing Billy versus Biz rivalry is like a year ago we tried to get Billy to fight Biz, and Billy was like, no, no, he'll kick my ass.
Now Biz really wants to do it, and Billy has been talking like he will fight you. And rough and rowdy, I think there was an official challenge thrown down down my whole theory is I don't think I want to fight somebody or I know I don't want to fight somebody who it's not like a genuine hate yeah and I just can't hate Billy he's just too likable of a guy we have a lot of spend a little time around him do I like spar I like I like it the way it is right now I like the relationship of when i see him just when i come here to get interviewed and we don't really you know communicate that much i'm saying have him travel with him shadow you for a week okay you guys will fight maybe we should actually make a bet between podcasts we got the florida panthers and then because you guys are a capitals podcast whoever wins that first round series and if we and if we lose maybe we send Grinelli as your guys assistant for a week nope no no bet okay all right so let's talk hockey yeah thank god let's do it let's talk hockey um what do you have on the line this year because I know you're wearing a maple leafs yeah jersey off a awesome 5-0 drubbing of the back-to-back champs of the Lightning.
They didn't look ready to play. Rumor has it that some of the Tampa Bay Lightning, they were out in Toronto on Saturday.
What? Getting after it, maybe trying to get their peckers wet. I don't know who.
I don't know who. But they looked like they were very sluggish.
It looks like they didn't take Toronto seriously at all in game one in Toronto. And Toronto came out with their eye on the prize.
They know what's at stake. And I said going in, they need to look at this from like a David versus Goliath standpoint.
And they got to put all their chips on the table. And they did that in game one.
I expect a massive, massive push from Tampa in game two here. But if Toronto can lock it up in game two and go back down to Tampa up 2-0, I think they're sitting pretty in order to knock off the champs.
My main point about the Tampa Bay lane, I just think they're fucked out. You know when you've just been fucking all night long and finally it's 6 a.m.
and the sun's coming up and you're like, I'm blowing dust. They went back-to-back, man.
They did a bubble championship. That's a lot of games.
A lot of games, a lot of hockey, a lot of like your central nervous system can only handle so much right and then on top of that afterward they're fucking crushing 60 000 bootlates for the next month so your body can only handle so much so i think that the tampa bay lightning are done so how does that work when a team goes on a to like a playoff road game and they've got two nights so you said they went out on Saturday night. The game was on Monday night.
Do they usually stay in, like those two nights? Or is it like I can understand being like, hey, guys, let's not go out and get mangled the night before the game. But I feel like two nights before, most teams would probably do that, right? First of all, I heard it from a little birdie, you know, a little chirp-chirp.
I don't know if it's exactly true, but two nights before, even regardless, if it's playoff hockey, you're staying in, you're putting one in your belly button around 11, and then your light's out. That's it.
That's it. Nice little ambient cocktail and good night, Jim Kite, right? All right, so the Leafs, so could it come home? Could it go to Canada? Because I bet heavy Calgary, a little bit less than heavy Tampa, and then after that, Edmonton.
So I have all three teams, but tell me, which one of those three teams has the best chance? I would probably actually put Calgary maybe a little bit ahead of Toronto, especially given their first-round matchup, although much like Edmonton and L i haven't given la the respect they deserve uh calgary has drawn dallas dallas has a one-line team they got good goaltending a good back end but they're fucking boring to watch their fans are hardcore down there in the big d they but they you know they had that magical run a few years ago where they just kind of found a way and put it together with guys like jam Benn and Tyler Sagan, who I'm sure you're familiar with being a Barstool employee and the fact that he crushed half of Boston. But if they can get that secondary scoring going, Calgary, they haven't had much experience or success in the playoffs.
But as far as Calgary's lineup, they locked in their number one goalie this offseason, that Markstrom. He's an absolute stallion Swede who's, I think he had nine shutouts.
They play an overall unreal team defense. They are big and mean on the back end.
And then they have that one top line who just lit up the NHL the entire season. Johnny Goudreau, Lynn Holm, and then Matthew Kachuk.
I don't know if you guys know Walt, Keith Kachuk, who played a long time in the NHL, one of the best American-born players. He had two kids, Brady and Matthew, one of which is playing in Calgary, and he had a career year, and he's going to get fucking paid.
So Calgary, from an overall team standpoint, they've been a wagon all year. I have a lot of trust in them, but much like the Leafs, they they have that mental hurdle they got to get over right they got to get past that first round and then all the pressure comes off and then I think that both of them can can go on runs Calgary looks good so with the Leafs how much weight is carried like the history in that jersey of knowing that hey this team is stunk in the playoffs for you know what the? Longer, longer.
I don't think they've won the cup in 70 years. They haven't been out of the first round in, I want to say, 17 or 18 years.
I would view the Toronto Maple Leafs quote-unquote curse, and I just, I don't exactly know what to tie it back to, but when Boston went as long as they did without that World Series what was what was the curse and the fact that they traded away um Babe Ruth was that the curse yeah was that curse of the Bambino curse of the Bambino right at this point I feel like the Leafs have been cursed for whatever reason they just like they they they they got a limp deck come playoff time they need the C-bomb special to get going. And that's why I think once they get past this first round and these new wave of players who have kind of assumed all this pressure from the history of the Leafs, I think then it's going to propel them to have confidence and just kind of focus on the hockey side of it.
1967, I had that right. Not a big deal.
Oh, you knew the exact... I know Puck.
All right, so best goalie in the playoffs. Well, you got to give it to Vasilevsky because he hasn't been knocked off the throne.
And that's just going back to Tampa. And the reason I say that, and you remember I talked about like the central nervous system and fucking like having to be like on nonstop.
He he is relied upon so heavily in those back to back playoffs where they won both. Heto-back games one time.
He gave up five goals last night. Yeah, that's fine.
So next game, game two, leaves Tampa. If he were to lose, that would be the first time in the last three playoff series that he's lost back-to-back games as a goalie.
I want to say that even with the two runs that he did and not losing in back-to-back games, that had never been done. I don't even know if it had been done in one Stanley Cup.
Yeah, that's a crazy stat. Yeah, and to play every game, he is just a horse.
He's a freak. He's the best goaltender in the world.
Although, I say that based on championships and body of work. If I had to pick an alternative to a guy who has not proven himself, and I don't even know if he's ever played a playoff game I don't think so Igor Shosturkin yeah with the New York Rangers this kid's very special I think he also they say that he's uh I want to say Wayne even said this so don't don't know you know you know you know he's he it was either him or somebody else mentioned he thinks the game like way no normally goalies just themselves with stopping the puck, but some of them are smart enough to understand the way that the defense and offense shifts and where they need to be in order to stop the puck.
Apparently Patrick Waugh was one of those guys where when he got to Colorado, I think he was roommates with Adam Foote, and he would structure how they should play little by little throughout his time there until when they led into playoffs about just basically telling the guys, stand here, do this, I'll stop it from these angles, and they worked together in order to win two championships in Colorado when he was there. So some guys in that just have a very special brain, and they're saying Igor Shosturkin, not only with his skill set, he's going to win the Vesna this year, but he also just thinks the game and that's why he's able to be so good.
So the Rangers, I feel like the Rangers have a very sneaky good team. Yes.
I put a future on them, I put a future on the Leafs, but I feel more confident in the Rangers team. Not the Caps? No, I mean I'm rooting for the Caps, but I'm realistic about the Caps opportunities this postseason.
So the Rangers were one of those teams where you were like, hmm, on the cusp. I really liked their deadline moves.
They brought in Andrew Kopp, who was over in Winnipeg, who's a great utility guy who can go up and top the top lines. They got a great back end.
Of course, you guys know Adam Fox. He ended up wearing the Norris last year.
But, yeah they got a good back end incredible goaltending and then they have uh really good guys up top and then a very well balanced forward line so my only thing going in though so I picked Pittsburgh to win the series because of two things loyalty they ended up drafting me and that's where I got to play my first NHL game and of course skate on the same line as Sidney Crosby for six seconds until he noticed I was there and then he fucking beelined off the ice and Rangers have had Pittsburgh's number all season long I think in the three games they only scored one goal at even strength and in the last game there there was a bit of a heated battle the regular season between the two teams and then Igor Shosturkin as they were signaling the crowd there was a bit of a riff still going on with Pittsburgh and he was giving them like the wave goodbye and I just bulletin board material is not something you want to give Evgeny Malkin and Sidney Crosby and Chris Letang who have been the cornerstone of this core group of Pittsburgh who have won three championships in their tenure there and the fact that Rangers pumed them in the regular season, I just think that it gives them a little extra oomph in order to go fucking knock off a superior team in New York. Okay, so you said something interesting there.
I want to ask, in terms of playoffs, who has the deepest team? Because I always think that, you know, the star talent matters, but hockey, you have to be able to put out three and sometimes four decent lines that can all do things because you can't just rely on one line yeah so there's two redonkulous wagons this year so you got the Florida Panthers who four unreal lines of you know offensive driving forwards uh great back end they made a couple of additions at the deadline, one that Ben Sherratt from Montreal, who will help out their top four. And then they just got Aaron Ekblad back, who before he ended up going down was probably top five for the Norris.
And then you look at their goaltending. But Brofsky has been shaky the last couple years, ever since got his big contract came over from Columbus but they also have uh Spencer Knight so they also have that one-two punch which you're seeing a lot more with NHL teams they're not just relying on this one goalie system you're seeing it in Minnesota when they ended up picking up flour at the deadline um I mean the the examples go on and on and on for for NHL teams who have two guys in that.
The other wagon out west, down south, is Colorado. Yeah, the big southern state there.
They were kind of the head and above favorite all year, and everybody thought they were going to win the President's Trophy, but the Florida Panthers ended up rattling off, without Aaron Ekblad, like 13 wins in a row to finish off the season in order to overtake and win the top team in the league. But I think that the West, playoff-wise, is an easier road to the Cup.
Therefore, I'm going to lean towards saying the ultimate wagon and the deepest team in all of the NHL is the Colorado Avalanche. And I give them the nudge because of their back end.
That's one of the best decores I've seen in a long, long time, led by a guy who I don't think people are willing to give him the Bobby Orr title quite yet, but Kale McCarr is easily the next Paul Coffey. We hadn't seen a defenseman who's able to drive traffic like him.
He's essentially stepped in as the Connor McDade. Hey, it's Rhea from Tricks in the Office.
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Now back to Paul Bissonnette. Is there anything to the theory that if you win the President's Cup, it's actually bad? There are stats on that.
I believe only eight teams who have ever won the President's Trophy have ever went on to win the Stanley Cup. And it's been a while since a President's Trophy winner has even reached the final.
And I mean, being a Caps fan, you should know that the most. Yeah, I just— How many years in a row— For a while, I thought it was just us.

That had happened all the time.

Turns out, like, it's a long season, and if you play at a high level all season,

it's more about, like, once you get to the playoffs, I'm sure, like,

you get a hot goalie, you get streaky, you start playing with confidence,

you get, like, an edge to your team.

That makes a little bit more of a difference sometimes.

And also, the NHL has done such a good job,

and there is criticism with the hard cap in certain areas. I mean agents in particular because they want more money for their clients and and rightfully so but it's just created so much parody where you look at the nba playoffs like even this year i believe every one through four seed in each conference advanced yes there were not there was not one upset that's sick league yeah sick league That's rarely the case in the NHL, and I appreciate that about the league.
There's no guarantees, no layups. Yeah, I think that the one cool thing, though, is when you do win the President's Trophy, I think the team ends up getting $250,000, $300,000 to divide through the players.
It's a nice little night out with the fellas in the summer. I think each guy sees about $20,000.
That's not bad. For some guys who are making league minimum or $800,000, after taxes, escrow, the whole kit and caboodle, I think you make maybe $350,000 of that.
It's a nice little weekend with the boys in Vegas. It's not bad not bad.
Yeah. Let's talk cheap shots.
So last night, Minnesota Wild, Jared Spurgeon, is that his name? Yeah. Jared Spurgeon gave a cross check to the back of Achilles tendon.
If Tom Wilson does that, how many game suspension are we talking about? I think that he's going down to San Quentin. Yeah.
Is that still a prison? They'll kill him. They'll bring out the tarp like a racehorse, put him down on the ice.
I know the Caps are going to get pumped in this series by the Florida Panthers, but I said it would be nice if we could have a clean Tom Wilson hit that just erupted the Twitter and internet. And everyone's like, kill him.
Lock this guy in prison. And the director of player safety is like, you know what? That was a clean hit.
That's what I want to. I think that Peros, who is the one who's in charge of all that, has done a good job, in my opinion, of keeping the integrity of hockey.
There's a strong voice online that wants to soften the game a little bit. So anytime there's anything remotely close to something that was borderline, they go nuts and suspend this guy for life and get all the dirty players out of the game those are people who just don't understand how fast these games are going yeah in my mind correct because like there are there are certain points where you can point to it be like all right that was a that was a dirty hit that was like there was intent all those things those have to be out of the game but bang bang But bang, bang plays when people are like, look, you can see him launching.
And it's like, dude, you just slowed it down. You slowed down a play that was happening at like 30 miles an hour.
And I don't know what that Achilles said to the guy. Wait, so what happens? What did that Achilles say to Spurgeon? Was he talking about his fucking pizza up the middle in the first period? I don't know if he deserved it.
I mean, that to me, just watching it as a casual fan,

it's like that's one of those plays Big Cat was talking about

where there's intent there.

Yeah, no, that was a dirty play.

He was trying to injure him, right?

Yeah, that was a dirty play.

Yeah, I think his wires crossed, and he may be hearing that from player safety.

Now –

What happens, though, after – like what happens in game two

is you're in the locker room.

You know, you have to suspend disbelief here. You're starting here.
You're on the third line for a playoff team, and that happens. What do they say to biz? That's actually a really good question, Big Cat.
Thank you. Let's give him a round of applause, everybody.
Let's keep the energy high in here. Let's keep it high.
Stay on the cup, playoffs! Billy, did you send the tweet? What exactly do you want me to say?

I mean, hey, Jeffrey Toobin, want to jerk off with me and the boys?

Oh, you guys got to do his thinking for him, too?

Yeah, this is crazy.

No, I had a draft.

Hey, Jeffrey Toobin, do you want to come jerk off with the boys?

Yeah, that sounds good.

That works.

That works.

Right to the point.

Right to the point.

Okay.

Paul, go ahead.

Yeah, tell him I'm not involved, though, because I already rang one out this morning, so I wouldn't be able to even get the thing up right now unless you showed me some real sick shit okay hey jeffrey i need some mascara dripping or something come jerk off of the boys but not this nasty yeah okay yeah yeah but not business nasty he's tell him we'll do it at work when i see him on friday at the at the turner studios so going back to your question so so if i saw my teammate accept a cheap shot, in the regular season, things are completely different than playoffs. There's really not as much at stake.
In fact, in the regular season was when you want to beat down your point. In a playoff round, you're going to have to just keep his number, and at some point, hopefully you can get retribution, but now saying that, it's just impossible because even in that series clinching win, if you're up a couple goals towards the end, you can't go out and take a penalty on the guy because you might end up costing your team.
So that's a time of year where you just have to really accept it, not let your ego get in the way, and just kind of focus on the ultimate prize. Yeah.
hope that it occurs like naturally during the course of a game where you can get a good shot on them where you can get in the back of your mind where you can get a clean hit but if but if that's what you're going out thinking of during your shift i mean i think you're already behind the eight ball so it's it's hard man it's the game within the game and that was that was something that certain players didn't have to deal with that was particularly what i had right right but once again i can't just go out there in a playoff shift and then end up taking a penalty to get back at a guy uh because it could end up costing my team and then next thing you know i'm in the press box okay follow-up question um how much in a playoff atmosphere do you if let's hypothetically say we gamble on these games how much do you think home ice and the crowd should be taken into the calculation of which team you're betting on i know obviously last line change and you can you could tell me about that like does that matter at all i know people mention it like matchups do matter at home so so in certain cases yes in certain cases no like there's. There's been teams.
I remember New Jersey a few years ago, they won like 80% of their road games during playoffs. But then I believe they were also losing a lot at home.
So for some teams, it doesn't matter. As far as the matchups are concerned, let's use the Edmonton-LA series as an example.
You have two of the best players in the world in Connor McDavid and Leon Dreisaitl uh Philip Deneau who came over from Montreal and ended up signing a big ticket this offseason with LA is known as one of the best shutdown centermens in the league he doesn't necessarily produce a ton of offense well at least before this year and when they get to go home in LA I would imagine either him or Colt Pitar are out there

every single shift against the big boys.

Shadowing him.

Just shadowing him,

and I never even really noticed him that much,

but then we had Nathan McKinnon on the podcast.

We said, who's the hardest guy for you to play against in the league?

Expecting he would say one of the big names,

and he goes, honestly, man, he goes,

is that Philip Deneau?

He's just one of those guys where on the defensive side of the puck,

he just knows how to irritate you. He's always got to stick in the right place.
His body positioning is great. He's good on face-offs.
So in some cases, those line matchups and home ice advantage is huge, especially at the fact that L.A. ended up getting game one in Edmonton on a goalie gift from Mike Smith.
So it's like you guys are freaking asking unreal questions. We're all over the place with the hockey breakdown.
I'm pumped for the – who doesn't love Stanley Cup playoffs? They're fucking electric. So what about the crowd, though, the second part of that question? Like do you think it matters? I know it matters.
So in other sports, I don't think it really matters much in football anymore in terms of nfl college it still matters i think it does in terms of like uh like snap counts and things like that yeah but i like if you look at the actual like numbers it has decreased significantly like the home home advantage in football is not what it used to be at least from a point spread perspective 20 years ago basketball you could you could make the argument college basketball for sure because they're just kids baseball yeah you get the bottom of the ninth i always i never knew with hockey like i also think it depends on which team you know and you know what they're able to handle adversity wise especially in the moment like let's say they're on the road and they're up to nothing and the other team's pressing and all of a sudden they get that first one and the crowd's going fucking nuts, the towels are waving. Like you can visually see some teams where their arseholes pucker up and they are just on the ropes, much like in boxing, right? So it depends on the teams and which players have been there and how they're able to really control their emotions in that type of setting.
Some guys are incredible at just blocking it all out, and they are just zoned in on the game. You could ask them about things that happened from the crowd perspective and how loud it was, and they wouldn't be able to tell you.
And then there's guys like me where I'm like, holy shit, this building is buzzing right now. So it's all really personality and team-based.
What about coaching? What's more important in terms of coaching in the playoffs? The guy that's like he's right on top of all of his shit with the line changes, with some substitutions, things like that, or the guy that is able to get his team pissed off, ready to go, play with a lot of energy? I think most of these coaches want their teams prepared and have had sustained success in all areas of their game going into playoffs,

whether it's power play. But yeah, the motivation factor should be coming from within the guys in the locker room, not the head coach.
I think that as long as he's keeping a calm demeanor and focusing on his execution of his game, it's a lot though, man. And like hockey, you know, football, you could also go in with a game plan

and have all these plans drawn up whereas hockey it's just like if there's so much changing and shifting maybe guys going down to injury uh it could be a game where it's a lot of special teams so how are you going to manage the energy of your bench and and maybe spreading out that ice time to to your penalty killer so they're not gassed to when you get through that wave of penalty kill. So that's a deep-rooted question and we could spend hours on it.
So who's the best coach though right now if you had to put your money down? Because I never played hockey so I don't really know. All I know from hockey and what the coach's input is, is the game plan going and the lines being paired.
I remember Quinville would always, the Blackhawks would always start slow in series, and then they would always turn a corner, and it felt like it was partly his coaching, where he would line pairings and everything, and they would finish series strong. You know what I mean? They they were down 2-1, I think, to the Lightning and the Stanley Cup,

like things like that.

Yeah, so I mean I just mentioned it when I was answering in PFT's answer.

It's like that's what makes him so successful is throughout all that chaos

and maybe the pressure of, oh, no, we didn't start good.

He's just seeing the situation and how it's playing out,

and he's making his adjustments.

Right, staying calm.

I mean, yeah, maybe sometimes you see him get a little bit red and fired up and trying to you know poke certain guys I'm sure if you asked for Stieg he'd have a couple funny answers for you as far as what how Quinville would try to get him going individually but yeah these guys they they're so experienced and they've seen it all so they even though it's slow starts I don't think that he's hitting the panic button it also it also doesn't hurt when you're playing with the house's money and he already has as many championships as possible as far as head coaches going into these playoffs um i i really like craig berube i liked it the way that he talked he's very just direct and stern and especially when they had that run when they ended up winning it they have they they allow access into the locker room so he'll just go in and beep beep beep beep beep like let's fucking go you fuck come on yo press here press here let's go wake the fuck up clap and you're out not like you're not talking for 15 minutes everybody knows their assignments and what needs to be done that was established throughout the regular season he doesn't it could be very black and white it doesn't need to be fucking 15 minute ru-rah speech in and out of the locker room i like craig berube uh brunette uh is it andrew brunette if you can google it i hope i'm not butchering his name he took over for quenville which was a very difficult situation at the beginning of the year with the florida panthers and they had all these expectations um and then the Quenville situation happened with what had happened in Chicago. He was released and Andrew Burnett took over and he may in fact end up winning coach of the year where he was pegged as an assistant where he was able to galvanize the group.
They didn't skip a beat after the firing. It didn't shake up the core at all and they just kept on winning and doing exactly as planned yeah so we got it right Andrew Burnett yeah Andrew Burnett with that series the Capitals and the Panthers I'm of the mindset it's probably going to be like five six games we're probably going to get whomped in this series yeah the Panthers are so good and it feels like this is not a great Caps team especially like goaltending is a big question we haven't figured out we've had like two and a half years haven't figured out what to do there give me just like some sliver of hope like what's the percentage give me like 10 15 20 chance that we can beat the panthers well i mean you got two goalies who are decent they just haven't been able to sustain it well that's the thing they're both decent but they both suck at when they get put in so it's's always we got one guy and, oh, the other guy, he's playing really well in practice.
Let's toss him in. And then he sucks in the games.
And one of them can catch lightning in a bottle and stand on his head. And it's a seven-game series, so who knows? The stand on your head.
I think that the back end is a little weak from a giving up scoring chances standpoint. And then when you mix that in with the goaltending, sometimes you don't want to be having barn burners against the Florida Panthers because they live for those up-and-down track meet style games.
I guess the only hope would just be that they bring their experience and they get a lot of heavy lifting from the guys up front like Backstrom, like Ovi. Tom Wilsonson's gonna have to be a factor i said if they got a a swinging chance tom wilson's gonna have to fuck shit up in game one yeah he's gonna have to run run through the wall and and really really shake things up and maybe get them off their game and rattle them i would kill for another playoff it's so fun when your team is on this like magical run you get so amped up you so wrapped up in the environment.
It's maybe the most fun playoff run that you can make in sports. Your one opportunity here to win this series is the fact that Florida has to get over that mental hurdle and all the expectations in the world are on them after the regular season.
A lot of pressure. What did you say? Did you ever get circumcised for the Leafs when you said, like, if they get bounced in the first round? I'm trying to remember.
I played the fifth. I talked to my doctor, and he didn't advise that.
He said that that could be a very dangerous and painful procedure this late in life. Your doctor was your girlfriend? No.
No. Actually, Billy.
Billy's my doctor. I actually did.
I advised him no. They did not recommend you.

Did you take a look at it?

I don't think you give it the rest that needed.

Got it.

I'll get research.

It would look like Lenny Kravitz's scarf if I chopped that.

All-time scarf.

I'll get uncircumcised if they win the cup this year.

How about that?

I'll get it back.

What I did was I pushed the bets back, and I got a couple going right now.

So I'm big on the Calgary Flames. Yes.
And everybody who who's listening i don't know if you're aware of the battle of alberta so edmonton and calgary have had this ongoing ravelry forever and you know you got fucking rick from red deer who's rooting for edmonton and you got whoever from calgary and it's just like it's a very heated battle so there's a great chance unless edmonton fucks us up that they will meet um in the next round should be great for my bet and if calgary goes farther in playoffs than edmonton who's wits team wit has to get a left earring um and i we already have like a little pink whitney cross for him he has to get his ears piece and wear that around i didn't know what we said i think we said a full month. And if Calgary ends up getting bounced and Edmonton goes farther, I have to shave the top of my head like I'm going bald and I have to keep it for a week on national television.
Wow. Yeah, that's a tough one.
That is a tough one. That's high stakes.
Calgary. At the time, I thought Edmonton was going to miss playoffs.
And they just went on this second half run.

Mike Smith caught fire.

They fired their coach, and the new coach took over,

and they just went on this absolute tear.

They signed Evander Kane also, who was having some off-ice issues,

but he seems to be loving it there.

So they have really, really made a strong push.

And the bet has turned into a coin toss.

And Daryl Sutter is definitely on the list. He's got two cups uh as for what for as a coach he had yeah so he had the full the full off season he took over last year and he was unable to fix what the problem was he is a brilliant hockey mind who won a couple cups with the la kings um you know that was one of the years they got the eighth seed, and they marched all the way to the final and just dominated everyone.
Jonathan Quick. Jonathan Quick.
But as far as Sutter's concerned, he had the whole offseason. He knew the chemistry of the team.
He came in, and he really molded the group. I said in preseason, I said I thought they were missing playoffs.
And after watching him for the first two weeks of the season, I'm like, holy fuck, Sutter's got these guys tuned up and ready to play. And the one component is they're buying in.
He's the type of coach that after a few years he's got a shelf life because every day is the most intense day ever. You could be on a 10-game win streak, and he's more intense than he was at the beginning of the win streak.
Like Nick Saban, yeah. Yeah, he's like Nick Saban on juice.
Like Nick Saban, Alabama players say that the worst practice in the season is always when they're playing the worst teams. Because Nick Saban, when you're playing Auburn, he doesn't have to be an asshole, but when you're playing Mercer or Jacksonville State, he goes crazy on it.
Like if you want to be on Sutter's bad side, you would have a kid born in the midst of the season. If you knock up your wife and she's going to give birth during the course of the season, you might as well just fucking ask for a trade.
What happens if you're going to have a kid during the Stanley Cup playoffs? He takes it away and doesn't want any distractions. He drops it off at a firehouse.
He drops it off at a local firehouse. You pick that back up after we win this cup.
Yeah, exactly. All right, I have one last question.
Then we're going to do guys on chicks, so you've got to stay for an extra second. I love it.
I love these little games you guys play. Have I done a pretty good job of breaking down the league? Can I get a fucking round of applause? Let's keep getting it to the eye.
So we intentionally scheduled you. Yeah, we intentionally scheduled you to come on the show early in the week so you wouldn't be burned out through your three live streams that you're going to be doing in what, two podcasts? I think sometimes you guys forget that I'm coming from out west and right now this is really nine o'clock in the morning.
Biz tried to get credit yesterday. He was like, I took a red eye and and it was like.
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Coffee all day. Why are you wearing glasses all the time? Not a drug guy.

Because my baby blues are too piercing.

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Give us the Stanley Cup final and your win, and your winner. I think this is a year where the favorites get to the top.
I think it's going to be Colorado, and I think it's going to be Florida, and I think it will be the most electric Stanley Cup Final of all time, if that does happen, because both of those teams are extremely fun to watch,

and I think that that would really, really put the league in a great place after having such an amazing regular season.

I'll reinforce this.

I love the parody in the National Hockey League,

and I think a lot of hockey fans do.

So Florida versus Colorado, battle for the South?

Battle of the South.

Yeah, it will be incredible.

Who gets to claim Southern franchise? That sucks though. You pick the fucking favorites? Yeah, you just said you love the parody.
You know what, I'm going with. Well, because of that parody, Colorado got bounced last year.
All right, back up. They ended up getting bounced by Vegas, and then Vegas ended up getting bounced by Montreal.
I love how you say Montreal. And Vegas.
Or was it Montreal? Yeah, it was Montreal. Montreal went to the final.
My guy Cole Caulfield. Yeah, and it was the worst final ever.
So I'm hoping this year the good teams actually get there and they put on a show. So, all right, so I'll let you have a backup.
Backup. Like the zany pick.
Let's go. Let's actually go.
If I'm going crazy, crazy, let's say Rangers out of the east. And let's say, it can't be Nashville.
Let's go St. Louis out of the west.
So even in both of your picks, no Canadian teams get to the finals. Well, you said crazy.
Calgary, for me, is a top Western team. They're in between crazy and predictable.
Yeah, so his backup pick was not the second most likely. It was just like, I'm going to get fucking weird with it.
Yeah. St.
Louis is another team where it was very iffy at the trade deadline. They had a horrible back.
Not a horrible back end. Let me take that back.
The back end was struggling a little bit, and they were missing a piece on the left side. side Cam Jansen ended up coming on saying they need to make a move on the Spittin' Chickles podcast and then they did and they got Letty, which not a huge name, but it just filled a hole and ever since then they've just been on this massive roll.
Towards the end of the season they were winning 80% of their games if not more and then they ended up, one thing that does suck is the playoff structure in which the teams play in division, unless you get, of course, the first seed and then you play the wild card. So now you've got Minnesota and St.
Louis, who are, I think, second and third place in the conference, playing in the first round. They should seed them one through eight in the conferences.
Is that how they do it in the NBA? I agree, yeah. It's easier to do it that way.
But everyone listening to this, you're going to have a friend that asks you at one point after the first round is coming to a conclusion, your buddy's going to say, I forget, do they re-seed in the Stanley Cup playoffs? They don't re-seed. They don't.
And another one that you're going to be familiar with is the fact that they wanted to create these individual rivalries and make sure that they at least got one of like one of those big impactful series and going back to when both pittsburgh and washington were in their heyday they would always meet in the second round yeah where it would be so much cooler if they would have met in the conference finals right right it just has a little bit more of that allure But I can understand why they do it. And then to contradict myself, you may in fact get that Battle of Alberta out west if both teams advance from the first round.
So in some ways it's good. In other ways it's like, well, I don't want to see the second or third team knocked off in the first round because of the way they seed everything.
So that's one thing that they might have to change. R.A.
and Witt also mentioned doing 1 through 16, and you might even have Eastern teams traveling out west to start a playoff. I don't like that.
Which would be wild. I would be okay if they ended up switching the patterns up.
What do you mean? Well, where one year, maybe the champs, they get to decide. Maybe it's a case of – I like the call-out.
I think that would be very cool. The call-out would be cool.
If you did a draft, if you had both sides, don't switch – don't do east and west. That's weird.
I think I like two different sides. But if you had the top four seeds decide their – or like one, two, and three gets to decide who they want to play.
Yeah, well then four just plays it would it would be it would be the first seven teams selecting starting with the first team they would get to pick their opponent and then all the way through and then obviously eight and nine would would already know by the time the the seventh pick went but that that would be an option i don't mind the east versus west either and then do the 2-3-2 type series. It would just

create so much chaos and

playoff matchups that we'd never

seen before, but from a traveling

standpoint and energy level standpoint

after playing 82 game season, maybe

not the right way, but I

definitely think they should go back

1-8 East and West

and then re-seed after the...

I know we've rambled on enough about seeding. We can move on.
Yeah, so I had one last question about the actual playoffs. So we touched on the Penguins a little bit.
Let's talk championship window for them. Is this the end of their championship window, or how much longer do you think they have to be as good as they want? I think this is the last dance.
You know how they had the

one for, this is their, they got that

trio, they've already won three Stanley Cups

together. I think the trio of Letang,

Malkin, and Sid,

they might

be the only three guys that have played

as many games as they had for an

organization with the same amount of accolades

of winning the Cups and all the hardware they

have. I just don't know

with the cap if they're going to be able to afford

all three of them, letang and malkin are up for contracts so that's another reason why i i picked them as opposed to the new york rangers i just i think that they're well aware of of what this is and this will be the group's last time together and they're going to go on a nice little run okay Okay, sticking around for guys on chicks we're gonna do a quick ad and then we're gonna do guys on chicks i love it all right before we get to guys on chicks with paul bissonette it's brought to you by priceline priceline is a leader in online travel deals they have deep discounts on flights hotels rental cars with priceline you can save to 60% on your favorite hotels. You can also get exclusive deals on car rentals, flights, and more.
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Okay, guys on chicks with our good friend Biz. Doesn't like to be called Biz Nasty.
Not anymore? No, he grew up. What does Wayno call you? Shithead? Dumb-dumb? I don't know.
I don't remember what Wayno calls me. Cabana chief pal does he call you pal that's when that's when you really don't know someone's name i think he calls me biz yeah biz does he always wear the card calls me bizzo is he like strictly carding guy even off the air no he wears a lot of gucci you ever you ever ask him about polina i think we're going to change the subject.
No, I don't. Well, it's guys on chicks.
No, I have respect for my coworkers. I do too.
I don't. You don't jack off in front of them.
I don't force my coworkers to send out tweets to other people. Excuse me.
Pugging one off on a Zoom call. Everyone in this room says, hey, how are your kids doing? You can't say that to Wano? Hey, how are your kids doing? Well, well i mean his kids trevor and ty are usually around yeah i uh one was in the cubs organization yeah he was right he was a good ball player he does a little bit of acting on the side now uh i actually knew them before i knew wayne oh really so wayne wayne was coaching the coyotes all the way up until the year before he was there the year before i got there and because the market was down he ended up keeping his mansion near old town so his two kids and my other buddy joey superstein were living in this mansion and they would be throwing asu ragers there every week and so after home games like we would go out to the club a little bit and then we would go over it was fucking best time of my life now did you tell wayne like hey i partied at your house a lot of times i've i've i've joked about him yeah he and joey superstein used to go over there and get get dirty with it get our corn holes licked no but uh no his kids are awesome and they you know the the one uh the one kid ty he runs the wayne gretzky hockey school so they travel around and uh you Trev, he was a ball player, and now he's been doing some acting on the side.
He was actually in the reboot Saw movie they did with Chris Rock. Oh, wow.
He was a police officer of that one. So we actually had him as our e-bug for the Chicklets Cup as well.
So the whole family, yeah, as far as his kids are concerned. Did he get in? They've been very good to me uh and they were one of the reasons i ended up getting on tnt because when wayne got hired they go dad you got to get biz on there with you he knows what he's doing and like well first of all no i didn't yeah you were they were wrong so they lied to their old man for me and that's how i got the tnt gig did he get in for as ebug oh yeah he played one half and he was just gassed really yeah i think he maybe he was hacking a few nikes that before that e-bug for the ducks was awesome that last last game of the season very cool people don't know emergency backup goalie it's like it's just a random fucking dude who usually is like works on the rink or something and is not a professional player okay so i feel like feel like every sport should have this.
Yes. So for football, it would be the kicker.
Yeah, it could be kicker. It'd be even better if it was a quarterback.
Or a running back. Imagine a guy just getting smoked.
I would love to switch my answer to running back. Yeah.
I'd love to see a random dude out on a basketball court just get blown by and not even be able to dribble because they would get pickpocketed right away. Yeah.
Well, I mean, that would be part of the criteria. He would have to be this guy who was like lighting up the YMCA.
Yeah. Low level college.
Yeah. Yeah.
Some guy who can commit to like driving there and, you know, texting his buddies being like, I think tonight's my night that I actually get in. And then for baseball, what would it be? Would it be a catcher would be very funny in baseball? Yeah.
Yeah call in all the signs getting drilled yeah just getting dh too yeah so and and i i actually love it about hockey is you know they they uh they have this e-bug situation and usually once a year a guy a regular joe off the street gets to dress an nhl game although this guy almost had a jammer he had a panic attack before they threw him in. He was breathing all heavy, and it was great, too.
His stats were – I think he had three shots against, and he saved two of them. So that's pretty good.
Pretty good numbers. Yeah, he only got one goal.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.
We have a video editor here who is – Who's an e-bug? Yeah, for like the Rangers or something. That's incredible.
It was so funny, too, because he was wearing – He worked in – it was in Dallas, so he was wearing the Ducks jersey, but he had a Dallas face mask on. Yeah.
Because he, like, lives around Dallas. It's just for the ring.
It's not for each team. Well, the most famous one is David Ayers, and you guys know that whole story of when he was an e-bug in Toronto,

and then Carolina needed one, and he went in, and then he stood on his head

and ended up beating the Leafs, and he was the Leafs e-bug.

And, you know, Leafs have been the butt of a lot of jokes.

Losing to an e-bug.

Yeah, and then they lost to an e-bug, so they were getting dragged through the mud.

All right, guys on Chicks.

Hey, Biz Nasty.

I'm a college junior about to go into my senior year. I've been hooking up with this guy for basically the majority of the school year.
It's been going really good. Somewhere along the way, I think that I low-key caught feelings from him, and I think that's a good thing because it feels like he probably did too.
Neither of us have really talked about what to do next. He's graduating and got a job, yay.
However, last weekend after we finished having sex, he accidentally called me Katie, which is his ex's last name.

I haven't brought it up and not sure if I should or not.

My question is like, am I playing myself right now or what the hell do I do?

Please tell me I'm actually really conflicted and don't want to stop anything.

So, yeah.

Go Leafs, by the way.

I'm just curious as to the timeline.

Was it like after he nutted, he was like ah okay like what did how did it all go thanks katie i don't know i i also think as a rule after we finished having sex you get like you get one i think i think you get one where you can screw up a name like that because it is hard if you've been in a relationship then you go to another relationship like you get used to you know saying one name i think you get it once and then if you ever do it again then it's over and i and i think if you're not official it's it's hard when you you bring that up and you're bitching at them it just reminds them of oh this is exactly why i'm not in a relationship i don't want anyone to be able to to hold anything over my head so i think i think he gets the pass one pass i think he gets the pass and uh and and that's it i think she's describing how how the human emotion works actually perfectly that's kind of what we're designed to do she's like so i've been having sex with this guy pretty consistently for the last six months now i'm starting to like him i think that's kind of like what you're engineered to do as a human i think she's probably just that's normal what normal, what she's going through. But just, if I were her,

I would just let,

just pretend it never happened.

Just bury it way,

way, way deep down inside

unless it happens a second time.

Or,

keep it inside

and then box it up

until the next time you have sex

and then hit him back with it.

Yeah, actually,

actually,

oh, that was so great.

And then maybe see how he reacts

and then if he,

and then if he's the one being like,

hey, why are you calling me a different name and say, oh, I don't want to date a hypocrite. See you, punk.
There you go. Or you could just hang on to it for a long time until you need something.
Until there's a situation. Yeah.
No, actually, you're right. This is actually an ace card that he's given you.
The see you, punk, though. Really? I would bury it deep down below, start the relationship,

allow it to affect the relationship the entire time,

and then eventually, I don't know, stab him with a fork.

Like when he wants to go play golf instead of going to your mother's birthday party,

be like, hey, you remember that one time that you called me Katie in bed?

And then, boom, he's going to mom's.

See-a-punk.

Yeah.

Remember that time you gave me the cream pie and then called me Katie?

Yeah. Yeah, you're coming to mom's.
up some flowers too while i get ready oh yeah i signed you up for a foot rub too can you elaborate on why canadians prefer missionary while americans gravitate towards doggy is that true yeah i don't know i always heard it was the other way around so you can both watch hockey. I like missionary just because I like kissing.
I like doing the French kissing. Yeah.
You're a smoocher? Burying my foursy deep inside. You're a smoocher? Is this how the TNT show goes usually? No, we don't talk about it.
Sometimes you throw in a few dick jokes. I like to make out and kiss while I'm doing it.
Yeah. So I don't mind doggy.

I just, you know, it's good.

I switch it around.

You're a passionate man.

Those are my two go-tos, dog.

You like the eye contact.

Mm-hmm.

You're like Leo and Rose on the Titanic.

Yeah. You just like to stare at each other.

Yeah, I'm making out and staring into their eyes and making sure that everything's good.

Everything good?

Yeah.

Does this work? Are you happy? Can you feel anything down there? No? Okay. All right, let me use my finger.
But yeah, no, I'm... But who gave you that poll? That might be a made-up thing.
I mean... No, that seems...
And you're also... I'm going to stick with it.
In America, it's been probably a decade since I haven't done it doggy style inside these borders. I usually like the doggy style.
If I get a passport, that means we're flipping over. I like the doggy style when you got your foot on their face.
You kind of go around. What? It was a fucking joke, big cat.
I don't put my feet on their face. Hey, guys.
Got a summer beach question for you. When is it time to train?

No, let's talk to Jake about what he likes better.

Are you here?

Let's pass the mic over.

You went to college pretty close to Canada.

Are you in front of that?

Jake, are you an anal guy?

I'm not.

Have you ever licked a girl's asshole?

Have you ever sucked a fart out of a girl's ass? No. You've never licked a cornhole? No.
No leather Cheerios? No. I'm not a big anal guy either.
You know, Jake's a Panthers fan. You are? Yeah.
It's my hometown team. I could have been better this season, but I'm going to be better these next few weeks.
Oh, good. I'm glad.
I wish these guys came better prepared. What did you make of the Kodak black incident in the box when he was grinding his cock? Yeah.
I think he's an anal guy. Oh, yeah.
Those types of things happen at bad teams games, but the Panthers... They're good.
Well, it takes a while for them to... They're good, but you're not like, they're a good franchise.
Right. Good season.
Yeah, right. Like the Reds thing we talked about earlier.
Yeah, they have to have a few seasons in the consciousness to be like, that's a good franchise. Jake, what if you met the girl of your dreams and she wanted to do a stand-up 69, but she was holding you and you were off the ground? Would you be cool with that? I don't know.
Yes. Yes.
I'll answer for Jake. Yes.
Yes. Good question, though, Biz.
Was Kodak Black actually having sex with that girl? I never did the follow-up. I think he was getting an over-the-pant rub where.
Yeah. Just to grind.
He was going super grim. So, yeah.
So, when you're in the American Hockey League, you're not making that show dough. And we used to sometimes go to the strip clubs.
I would not do this. But I would teammates who they would go to the bathroom at the strip club they would take their underwear off put their dress pants back on and then they would get lap dances because when you're getting that rub they would be able to come just from doing lap dances so they would they would that is like out with that's the funniest old hockey trick i've ever heard and then they would go back pants, though.
They would have cum, but they would go back and they would put their boxers on,

and then they wouldn't be feeling the wetness of the cum on their dress pants.

Yeah, but then the dress pants.

These guys were savages.

Old hockey trick.

Total savages.

One of which ended up, well, I guess we won't go there,

because we had to take it off the podcast because he got in a little bit of trouble.

Hey, Biz.

My boyfriend is a hockey guy. He always references to sex as getting in the crease, and it's really annoying.
What are some things I could try to get him to stop? I've never heard that term, and I don't know. Tell him to stop saying it.
What about tape to tape? Just tell him it's a fake hockey term. Oh, we got to give him a new hockey term.
Yeah, yeah. We got to give them something new.
Call it the penalty box. Yeah.
The sin bin. Oh, there you go.
Yeah, I want to get in the sin bin. I like that.
I don't really have anything for you guys off this one. I think I gave you guys enough ammo with asking Jake if you wanted to reverse 69.
Yeah, that one will keep me going for a while. Maybe we can take that one.
What do you think, Jake? What should be the new term for sex in relation to hockey?

It's time to go no – Craig McTavish, we're going no helmet tonight.

Top cheddar.

Oh, I like that.

Craig McTavish.

We're going scoring zone.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yeah.

The red line.

Power play.

Yeah.

That time of the month, we're going to hit the red line.

Yeah.

Red line and dump it in.

There you go.

Yeah, we'll play devils. We're going to do – we're going to play trap late 90s early 2000s that's it i want you to stand on your head that last one can burn and hell that question um biz thank you we're gonna have to have you back on later on in the playoffs just so you know so how about this how about we do it so if if either the calgary flames or the Toronto Maple Leafs make it to the conference finals, I come on to tee up the conference finals.
Yeah, I would love that. I mean, we could do, you could tee up the conference finals regardless because we love you when you come on and everyone loves you when you're on.
And at that time, I'm sure our bet, my bet with wit would have played through. Yeah, I think you'd look good bald.
You'd have to grow the mustache out a little bit, I think. I've already done the Peter Mann's biz, as I call it.
I did it for a commercial I did for McDonald's, so I'll show you what I look like with the crown shaved, but that'll have to happen for seven days on national television if the Calgary Flames don't figure their shit out in playoffs here. So let's go Flames.
Let's go Flames. Let's go Leafs.
Let's win Big Cat's bet. I'm with you.
Bring the cup home back to Canada. Bring it home.
And then we'll see a party. I'm going to be in the parade.
You said I would actually be part of Canada Day, July 1st. We're going to make all of our merchandise for the Canadian team winning the Stanley Cup from all the lint that is in Big Cat's belly button.
Yes. Collected all the way from the start of playoffs until the ending.
So what do you think? 500 shirts? More. More.
PMT, you got anything? More. Or PFT? More.
I actually saw a commercial for that Shorzy hockey TV show a couple weeks ago. R.A.
R.A.'s in it, right? Yeah. Is he actually a part of the cast? He's in the opening scene of the entire thing.
Your admiral has been a beast lately. He's been very busy with doing the outlines of the show, getting the great interviews.
But on top of that, he took some of his time and went up north to Sudbury to film a show that is a spinoff of, it's called Shorzy. Yeah, it's Letterkenny.
It's the guy from Letterkenny playing his own TV show. Playing in his own.
So it's a great spinoff, and I'm really happy that they got R.A ra ra involved kiso is the guy who created the show and uh it's i believe it starts streaming in canada may 27th and it's coming to crave tv that sounds right it looks awesome you can find it somewhere i'm sure ra is he's in that he's in the town yep this is all around actor and on top of that we just got john Hamm for the second time on today's Spittin' Chickles that just dropped.

So they were co-workers.

It's all coming up from RA.

Next thing you know, he's going to be an A-lister, and he's going to forget all about us.

Him and Jon Hamm will be rubbing elbows with Tom Cruise in Top Gun 10.

All right.

Numbers.

Pick a number.

Eight.

This doesn't have any tweet attached to it.

I'm going to go with my old Coyotes number, number 12.

Sixty-three. Twenty-two.
Seven my old coyote's number, number 12. 23.

22.

7-3.

Hank's never gotten this right.

25.

Hank's never gotten this right, Biz.

Oh.

4.

What did you guess, Hank?

4.

8.

Ah, stuff.

4.

All right, thank you, Biz.

We love you.

Love you guys, too.

Bears don't actually fall asleep for all of winter and hibernation. Love you guys.
They don't? Yeah, they slow down, but they're not asleep the whole time. People just think they black out.
No. They're just taking a long nap.
You wake up, throw on some Netflix. Go back.
I'll be coming for your love, okay? Shine away, I'll be coming for your love, okay?

Take on me, take me on I'll be gone In a day of change Needless to say I'm all descended But I'll be so little away The limit, life is okay Say out to me It's so better to be safe than sorry. Say after me.
It's so better to be safe than sorry. Take on me.
Take me on. I'll be gone in a day of fear.
All the things that you say isn't liable. Just to play my worries away.
You're all the things I've got to remember You shine away I'll be coming for you anyway Take on me Take me on I'll be gone In a day I'll be gone in a day.

I'll be gone in a day.

Take a lead.