Tom Segura, Pete Holmes, Tiger Is Back And Baseball World Series Picks

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, we got a twofer for the people. A little something different.
Two very funny comedians in studio. Tom Segura first, and then we have Pete Holmes after Tom.
Two great interviews. We're also going to talk about the Masters opening day, Fire Fest of the week.
All of it is ready for you on a great Friday. And before we get to all that, Priceline.
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Boy! Boy! Now in the street there is violence And then a lot of work to be done No place to hang out or wash in And then I can't blame all on the sun Oh no We no. We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.
And then we'll take it higher. Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.
It's Pardon My Take presented by Marshall Sports. It's higher.
Welcome to Pardon My Take presented by Priceline.com. Go check it out right now.
Get more out of your trip, hotels, flights, car rentals, all at Priceline.com. Today is Friday, April 8th, and Tiger Woods is officially back.
He looks awesome today, too. Now, I think he's, what, like four shots back at the lead? Who cares? Who cares? He's in that perfect position where when he's tied for like 10th or 11th place they still show his name on the leaderboard as being the first person in the group of like 40 guys that's one under so he's in and around the leaderboard the pink shirt that he's wearing right now the mock turtleneck short sleeve tight shirt people are going nuts over and you're going to see a lot of guys that try to pull off this look that Tiger's got right now, and it's only Tiger that can pull this off.
If you or I showed up, it would look like we got a big tube of cookie dough that got left out in the sun for three days. Spilling out of it would be the word I would use.
But, yeah, no, Tiger Woods, even if you're not, I have conflicting feelings of Tiger Woods over the years, but once he's out there playing at Augusta, you get swept up. Like immediately you become a huge Tiger Woods fan.
He is probably one of the only athletes who has that ability to do to any person who casually likes golf, diehard golf fan, anyone. You see Tiger, he's making incredible shots, he's back in the the mix and all feels right with the world so people were saying earlier today that there's a lot of like tiger haters out there people that root against tiger woods i don't really think that there's that many people that root against tiger woods i think that when he gets out there like you said he plays everyone really hopes he wins there's some people that you know maybe hoped for a while when it was like phil mickelson or uh sergio garcia that were starting to be like the big competitors tiger we're rooting for all those guys just because we hoped it would make tiger woods play better well we could root for him harder i think it's also he's in that that uh i don't want to say twilight of his career because who the fuck knows with tiger woods i mean mean, he's amazing.
Every time he's on, it's just a joy to watch. But let's call it the twilight of his career.
I think there's something different that happens in the twilight of your career when you're an all-time great where people are going to appreciate you, like how we appreciate LeBron on this podcast. That happens all the time.
It's amazing what he's done. The fact that he's been in the league for 20 years made the playoffs so many times played in the olympics so many times and he's still out there willing his team to almost victories night after night i as a quick sidebar on lebron i tweeted that um picture of him with the tweet that he tweeted and people got really upset at me you were doing lebron a favor and i, wait, I'm just posting his tweet that he told me to keep the same energy about.
It was very bizarre. Like, I wasn't saying anything pointed.
Obviously, I'm not a LeBron fan. But, man, the LeBron stans came out fast.
And they were very – I think it was maybe just because the Lakers lost, what was it, Wednesday night, Tuesday night, late Tuesday night, to officially be out of the playoffs, and all the LeBron fans and Lakers fans. No, Hank, no, I'm sorry, they're not.
Wait, they're not even in the playoffs? There's 10 teams that make the playoffs, right? No, Hank, I'm sorry. Even though the Lakers are 30-24 this year? Yeah, no, no, I'm sorry.
Wow. I'm sorry.
Oh, I didn't't even realize that i think all the lebron fans woke up the next day on wednesday and being like we have to defend this this man to the ends of earth which i respect i always respect going to bat for your guys but i just all i did was repost his tweet well we're also we're respecting his wishes this was a request from past LeBron to hold future LeBron accountable for past LeBron's words.

Yes.

And, Well, we're also respecting his wishes. This was a request from past LeBron to hold future LeBron accountable for past LeBron's words.
And we respect past LeBron almost as much as future LeBron, so our hands were tied. We had to do it.
I'll say something nice about LeBron. He has waited until the perfect time to miss the playoffs because if he missed the playoff, let let's say six years ago there would be a hole in the playoffs like oh man it sucks that LeBron I'm excited about the NBA playoffs with or without LeBron because there's so many good young players and so many great young teams that good job LeBron you waited until the league was in great hands and then you bowed out much like Bruce Arians LeBron decided that now was the time to step away from the game and put the spotlight on some up and coming players that might not be able to get that much attention if LeBron was still around dominating the conversation I'm also excited to see which teams LeBron snuggles up to as the playoffs proceed oh he's already started oh I know because he's going after Steph Curry he's like man man it'd be a dream to play with that guy uh it's gonna be fun to see which teams it will just spoiler it's gonna be the teams that win yeah that lebron's gonna be like man imagine imagine if i was on that team i'll just call my shot right now he's gonna become the biggest john morant fan baby braun because you know john morant will do something insane in the playoffs and he'd be like holy shit this guy'd love to play with him.
Can we get him traded to the Lakers? It would be funny, though, if LeBron, the clip of LeBron saying he wanted to play with Steph and Steph reacting to it. It'd be funny if LeBron went to the Warriors because we found out, oh, there we go.
Cubs just hit the first home run of the season. It would be funny to watch LeBron be second fiddle to Steph because that's what happens.
In Golden State, Steph is the man. We saw it with Kevin Durant, who is a better basketball player than Steph, but guess what? It's Steph's team, so I would like that.
What if LeBron went to the Nets? That would be funny, too. That would be very funny.
I think wherever he goes next would be funny. If LeBron, if he's mature enough, he can decide to go to the Nets, swallow his pride, come off the bench, be like the sixth guy, get out there and provide a spark.
If LeBron does that, I would actually respect him. There's no chance in hell I think that he would ever do that.
That was a sidebar, LeBron. We kind of got away from ourselves.
Masters, the Tigers back. It feels good.
Now, we are being positive about Max Homa.

I thought he had the most fun of anybody out there today. Well, I was going to say I'm positively pissed off that he bogeyed 18.

Okay.

That you fucking bum.

I thought Max did okay.

He had a smile on his face the entire time.

He was behind the eight ball coming out there today after what happened to him at the par three contest.

Yeah. Where he had a pin in one, which many people are saying is more difficult to pull off than a hole in one.
He hit the pin, but because Dude Perfect and Bryson DeChambeau went out there and stomped all over God's creation and ruined some of the undulations in the green, he didn't actually get the hole in one. So he's probably feeling a little pissed off that he didn't get credited with that.
But he's still in it. Max is still in it.
He's still in it. We're still in an update, by the way, for the spreadsheet.
We decided we put it all on all $50 of winnings and also the initial investment of $2,000 on Max to be top 30 in the tournament. Now, Billy wanted to do just a hand of blackjack this actually is i i had one year where uh i lived very close to wrigley and we like sold we had a parking spot and we sold parking for wrigley and me and my roommates put all the money on a week one bet and we just lost it all so it was like oh we did all that for for nothing this kind of feels like it could be similar where it's like we we we pumped ourselves up and it's a big group bet and we're all saying we and then max is not even gonna make the cut i'm staying positive but billy how are you feeling i had a thought last night okay i had a thought and i was like what if i just kept the money and just didn't put a bet in.
It was a thought fleeting.

It fled. Mm-hmm.
had a thought and i was like what if i just kept the money and just didn't put a bet in it was a thought fleeting it fled and i put the bet in but we'd still have the money did you now did that thought occur to you as long ago as like before the ncaa tournament it would have been way easier for you to just not put any of that money in and just give us 50 bucks you you seriously could have just lied to us the entire time and put up fake spreadsheets like accounting fraud and be like, okay, here's where we're at. And then just giving us $2,050 back and we'd be very happy.
Billy made off. That would have actually been so much easier than what I did.
Yeah. Yeah, just fakes a bunch of returns.
That's the last time you'll ever work hard. Exactly.
Billy just realized what a Ponzi scheme is. But I do think, though, that Brooks is in a good position going out there later on in the day once the course has softened up a little bit.
His fresh legs getting out there. I think that it's nice for him that Bryson...
Bryson's really the big story. We should have let off with Bryson DeChambeau today.
Shot four over par. He's three over now.
Three over par. Well, no, he's that would be eight over par because he says it's a six seven par 67.
Bryson's absolutely shitting himself out there on the course day. So I'm just going to guess conservatively that Brooks goes two under par today.
Yeah. Two under par.
Two under par. Wait, 67? Two under the normal person's par.
Not the steroid par. That would be awesome if he went 65 on everyone's face.
I'll be pleasantly surprised if that happens. Yeah, so the Masters, I mean, this probably has never happened before.
We're Masters and opening day, same day. Great sports day.
We needed one after it had been almost three days since we had a major event. This really is the perfect sports day for dads.
I bet you that there's some dads out there that took today off, mowed the lawn in the morning, then came in and watched the Masters and baseball all day. Had a hot dog, had a beer.
Baseball is back. Do we want to do our World Series predictions? We never did that.
We should do it. Baseball is back.
I'll say, oh, man. There's a lot of teams out there.
There's a lot of teams. The Dodgers feel like they should be good again.
The Dodgers will be good again. It's going to take me a few weeks to get into baseball.
They're the NL team with the most consecutive playoff appearances. That's a fun fact.
The Dodgers versus the Mariners. Dodgers win.
I'm going to go. You like that? Mariners haven't made the playoffs in 20 years.
I'm going to go Phillies in the World Series. Oh, I like that shit.
I forgot about the Phillies. I like the Phillies.
They're the NL team that hasn't made the playoffs in the longest amount of time. Yep.
Which is crazy. Man, Hank, just fun fact on top of fun fact.
Might have been a dozen questions I was on recently. So, yeah, I like the Phillies a lot.
They have the rating MVP, who's also on the Seamhead Express, I might add, Bryce Harper. And they have Cassianos.
They've got Cassianos. And they have Schwarber.
Yep, good team. A lot of sluggers.
I'm just going all sluggers this year. I think it's going to be the Phillies against the Padres in the World Series.
Oh, okay. Well, that.
Yep. Yeah, I'm aware.
Okay. I just think it's...
Those are the two best teams. Right.

So they're going to face each other in the NLCS,

and then the winner of that, I'm going to say,

is the real World Series champion.

But no, out of the AL...

Mmm.

You know what?

A lot of teams.

A lot of teams.

I really think this is the year the Yankees get it done.

A lot of teams.

I think it's going to be the Yankees.

So the Astros.

There we go.

The Astros.

The Astros.

Hank, give us your World Series prediction.

I'm thinking the Reds.. There we go.
The Astros. Hank, give us your World Series prediction.
I'm thinking the Reds. Good rebuild.
Good rebuild. They got a lot of assets.
They got rid of the fat and they kept some of their better players. Tons of cap space.
Tons of cap space. Tons of potential.
A lot of room for the prospects to really play to their potential. This is a great Major League Baseball preview.
There's no log jam. There's no log jam in the Reds organization.

If they get a good player,

they can come right up.

Yep.

We will have someone,

we'll have a guest on

in the next week or so

to talk MLB.

Maybe Dan Heron will be back.

What about the Orioles, Hank?

You want to do the Orioles?

I was actually thinking

of Orioles.

People are mad about

that wall, though.

They're mad about

that left field wall.

What's going on with the wall?

They changed it.

So they moved it out,

I want to say.

Hey, Jake, you can double check, and they also raised it, which makes no sense. I don't really understand.
You know what that is? It's just literally the Orioles being like, our pitching is so bad that we have to build that wall to keep all the home runs contained within it. Let's go Tigers.
Maybe also taking away some seats so that it's less capacity. I don know yeah javi bias tigers miggy can you find it jake what what exactly they did the wall was raised from just over seven feet yeah to 13 feet and did they move it back libcat internet build that wall you're anti-wall no i'm pro this wall but you're saying people are mad about the wall.
People are mad about the wall. It is a big, beautiful wall like no one's ever seen.
It's a gorgeous wall. Jake's fighting a paywall right now.
Oh, no. I hate that wall.
He's fighting through. Jake's hitting the back wall.
Damn. So, yeah.
Back about 30 feet. 30 feet.
That's crazy. That's a crazy change to a wall park, especially.
It'll make baseball more fun. Yeah, like, hey, what should we do? Less thingers? Well, they did make the bases bigger, which I'll be the first to admit, I'm looking at these bases, it's getting to me.
I like it. They're huge.
Big-ass bases. Is that a bunk? I don't think so.
I know, I just like to... Getting turned on by the bases.
Those are big-ass bases. Do I have to go to a stadium and fuck a base now? Yeah, I think you might want to.

I will.

I'll fuck a base.

I'll put a question mark.

Yeah.

Does VFD want to fuck a base?

I'll get to third base.

There's more to hold on to now?

I'll just lick the base.

Yeah, yeah.

What were you going to say, Billy?

Yankees, Braves.

Oh.

Yankees, Braves.

Oh, back to back.

Yankees in six.

Classic.

Yankees in six.

All right, then Jake, why don't you finish this off with a nice.

White Sox. Let's make sure we cover every team.
White Sox. Okay.
Jake's taking this seriously. Well, I want to spread it out.
You want to be right. I don't want to...
After what happened in New Orleans. Yeah, try to be right.
All right. White Sox-Phillies.
Okay. We got two Phillies.
So I really do like the Phillies. I don't.
I'm kind of joking about the Yankees because they're obviously going to win like 90

games and then they'll lose in the playoffs.

But I like the Blue Jays too.

Yeah. No one said Mets.

I parlayed the Yankees and Mets

team total unders.

Oh, okay. The Mets,

not a great start. It is the most

Mets thing of all time that before

the first pitch of the first game, their two aces are both out with questionable shoulders. I think Scherzer's going to start game two, though.
Oh, yeah? That's good. New York City as a sports town is a joke.
The entire time we've lived here, it's been a joke. It's been like that for a decade.
I know. I think it was the first decade in the history of New York that no team won a championship.
New York FC. Yeah, no one.
I'm saying last decade. Real sports.
Yeah, and real sports. Memes remains.
But there were the Red Bulls. No, there's two.
They're the ones that play in Yank Stadium with that, and they have that little banner that looked like a tablecloth. Now, Memes is very hopeful, though, that every free agent wide receiver that's becoming available is going to want to go to the Jets.
Why wouldn't they? Keep dreaming. Keep dreaming.
Yeah. Debo Samuel actually removed the logo of the 49ers from his Instagram bio today.
Trouble in paradise. Another disleague.
Yeah. It'd be funny if the Niners just removed his name from the website, just like going back at the player.
Yeah. All right, let's play this game.
Tit for tat. Yeah yeah take away his locker and then dk might be on the trading block as well i don't know i don't know what's going on anymore in the nfl this league never sleeps guys no it's crazy everyone wants to move everywhere and we i mean when's the draft coming up a couple weeks it's like two weeks like it's like april 17th and 19th no 28.
No, 28th or 30th. There we go.
And it's in Vegas? Yeah. In Vegas.
That's when we'll get back into it. But yeah, it's a nice sports day.
The Masters. I'm excited.
We'll hopefully have our good friend Scott Van Pelt on on Monday. Talk about Tiger's win.
Yep. Whoa, man.
Imagine if Tiger won. I'm just going to say, I think we have the power to do this.
If Tiger wins the Masters, you all don't have to work on Monday. Everyone that's listening to me right now, the day's off for all America.
Congratulations. Take a day to celebrate Tiger.
Yes. If he doesn't make the cut, you have to take a driver's ed class.
Well, Darren Revell, I think, has to get in a cage with a Tiger, which he'll fucking skate out of that one. Imagine if he actually had like a suicide bet for Tiger to win.
Tiger would then become the most beloved athlete of all time. He would get in a cage, in a smaller cage inside a bigger cage.
Yeah. So you could say that technically he was in a cage with a tiger.
Or the tiger will be so well fed that he'll be sleeping. Maybe a dead tiger.
Maybe he'll kill it or bore it to death by telling him lame anecdotes and then step into the cage. Showing all of his memorabilia.
What are you going to say, Billy? You had that thought in your face. Well, maybe he just gets in a cage with Tiger Woods.
I don't think Tiger Woods wants to be anywhere near him. Tiger would probably fuck him to death if they got into a cage together.
Tiger doesn't want anything to do doesn't want anything to do with him um all right great great friday i mean it's a great sports weekend great best nap of the year yep saturday yeah sunday would you say saturday's nap's better sunday i think sunday is like tier one nap i think saturday is better just because sunday you kind of have to pay attention if it's, like, heating up. You know what I mean?

Like, if it's good and there's a few guys in contention, you don't really want to nap.

That's more like a 10-minute nap.

Saturday you can go, like, hour and a half.

There's also the raise and pitch and cadence of Jim Nance's voice very slightly on Sunday.

Because he's a little bit more excited.

And he says, imagine Dragons.

It comes out a little bit more splash and pizzazz on it. Everything feels a little bit more tense.
But I'm happy that Augusta's back. All right, let's do our interviews.
We got Tom Segura first, then Pete Holmes second. Two great comedians on today's show.
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Please. It's Tom Segura.
You can find him anywhere on, he's got a podcast, Your Mom's House. He does a podcast with Bert Kreischer.
He's on tour right now. Yep.
So you're coming everywhere tour, right? I'm coming everywhere. You're coming everywhere tour.
I think we're going to run this next week after the national championship, but where are you stopping on the tour so we can get people to come out? It is an overwhelming, daunting schedule. So when you say, like, where are you going i'm like do you have time to list do it all 200 cities i don't know it's you're doing 200 cities more holy how long is this tour it started in august of 21 and it ends in april of 23.
you're just talking about life now you're just talking about like you live on the road. And I have kids.
And they remind me. They're like, you're our dad.
And I'm like, I know. That's a tough conversation to have.
I imagine I don't have kids of my own, but having your own child be like, hey, are you still my father? Must be a real humbling experience. I can tell when things are good, because when I come home, sometimes they're like, Dad.
And I'm like, hey. And then sometimes I come home and they're like, hey.
He's back. Wait, how old are your kids? Six and three.
Okay, yeah. The age they need you the most.
Right. I have a two and a half year old and a 10 month old.
And I'm struggling with the, like we went on the road for March Madness a couple weeks ago. I come back.
I'm sure you feel this. I'm sure every parent knows this.
You come back, and, like, my two-and-a-half-year-old son is like, I'm kind of off you. Like, where have you been? So then the last two weeks, I built it back up, and we're, like, best friends again.
And now I have to go to New Orleans tonight, and it's like, fuck, all this building we've done. Do you bring shit back? I do.
I bring gifts. Yeah.
Yeah. Like, when I walk in the house sometimes i'm like hey guys and like just expecting like a like a dad moment and right away they're like do you have surprises for us do you have gifts i go yeah and then i don't yeah they're like where are they i go they're being shipped they were so big i had to ship them and they're like oh when are they getting here i'm like i'm in the next few hours, I think.
I'm like, go buy something.

Do you live in Austin?

I do.

Yeah.

So there's a pretty decent, I think it's a Cinnabon in the airport, right?

You can pick up some Cinnabon on the way back.

Bro.

Be like, look what daddy brought.

You may have just changed my whole life.

Yeah.

Dude, there's a lot of stuff in that airport that's like,

they're going to have just a billion Keep Austin weird t-shirts that you pick up at the very last minute.

Yeah, I should start.

But the thing is, your kid's two and a half?

He's going to be three in June.

Okay, so what happens is after they turn three,

because my guy, three-year-old's almost four,

and then I got the six-year-old.

There's an age where you can give them anything.

You're like, this is a sticker.

And they're like, yeah, they don't know.

But once they start to get their preferences down, like I'll come home one time i bought my little one likes cars and the older one doesn't so but i bought two toy cars and the older guy goes i don't like cars he likes cars and he just threw it on the ground and i was like oh he's like where's shit that i like i'm like i don't know man but cinnabon cinnabon yeah that's depressing thing, though, to do, and I've done it as someone who likes to eat, but getting food when you land in the airport and you're going to a hotel and you're like, I'm just going to pick up some McDonald's while I'm leaving the airport, that's a rock bottom move. It feels depressing.
Last week, I did Vegas and landed in Austin drunk, and I was like, hey, man, we got to get food. We have to.
So I go to Starbucks and I start buying breakfast sandwiches, multiples. They're like, how many people? I'm like, it's just me.
I just need multiple sandwiches right now. You ever get that sad, cold container where it's got a hard-boiled egg that's been sliced in half? Three grapes? Yeah, it's got the grapes in there all the time there all the time maybe a slice of cheese i think it's called a protein box yeah yeah the protein box it's just like the worst shit that doesn't go with anything else yeah it smells it really smells they should call it the fucking stink box because you open it and it's just like it smells like eggs and cheese yes but that's um it's very very exciting to go on a tour but i feel like what you're doing right now is it even a tour i think it's just like you were constantly just doing shows yeah you know what happened this is what happened my agent's here and he's probably watching in the green room this motherfucker he called me during the pandemic right so you're at home i'm used to being a comic that tours regularly like meaning like every couple weeks you know you're doing gigs and you're home right you're home that first month and that second month and then it turns into like there's no tour remember touring shut down right so it's like a few months in he's like i think we should get ahead and start locking down dates for when things open up and you're like yeah yeah so you're sitting at home and they're like how about this offer because that's the way it comes you get an offer right you want to do the beacon and you want to do the hulu and you're like yeah and they're like how about the next day new work you're like yes and how about and they said and you're sitting at home so everything that comes in instead of like thinking rationally you go like yeah dude i'm not working right like book it all right it's all theoretical and then this is how you end up with a two-year tour and then all of a sudden you show up to august you're like wait what's going on and they're like you're about to do 400 shows and you're like oh my god so how does that work in terms of the material are you do you have to change things up a lot or is it like okay i think you're gonna do the same material for you know this month then you'll go home write a little bit come something different.
No, it happens a little. It doesn't happen as calculated.
So at first you're building it, and then you're doing it. And then you start to feel like, all right, I have it set.
But then you, as the person performing it, get bored because you get bored of the jokes. Telling the same story, yeah.
And just organically, you'll start to drop. You'll drop one night, someone will be like, hey, you didn't do that bit.
And you're like, yeah, I yeah i'm just not and then you'll automatically replace it with something new so like if you see the show tonight and then you see it in six months you'll be like you dropped this this and this and then you added this and it just happens like throughout the course of a tour can you tell like almost instantly if it's a good crowd or not like almost like okay this is gonna be a great night because the crowd is giving me energy sometimes. It's not a foolproof thing.
Sometimes a crowd is so hot, it's almost overwhelming at the top of a show that they've burned themselves out with the hype. You know what I mean? Yeah.
They're so excited. You're like, this is amazing.
And then it just like there's this slow wind down. And you're like, hey, I thought we were good with each other.
Yeah, I thought we were having an having an awesome night and then sometimes you start slow and it goes but i think there's this thing where if you say something when you open a show like out of the gate you just come out and you say something off the top of your head and it gets a laugh it almost changes the energy of everything if it's organic like truly off the top of your, that almost sets you up for a great show every time.

Wow. So do you try to do that every time? It's not a planned joke.
It's just this is what it is. Yeah.
Jeff Tate calls it riff energy, where you just go out there and you just say whatever. Yeah, look at this fucking guy.
Anything that's happening, like current event, you just say it. Right.
I did this show in Topeka, Kansas a couple weeks ago, and the Westboro Baptist Church was there, the people that protest. Yeah.
And so talking about them, they're just outside. The audience saw them, and they're also kind of national.
Everyone kind of knows about them. Knows they're there, yeah.
So I talked about for like a couple minutes. It's just like it was pandemonium in the room.

And then your show is just like on this ride.

You know what I mean?

That's a good cheat code.

I feel like they fell off, though, the Westboro Baptist Church.

Man, let me tell you something, man.

They're coming back.

They're coming back.

They are?

Yeah, they're dope, dude.

They're going to get their shit.

They're going to get?

Yeah, yeah.

They have a remix coming?

Dude, they have their eighth member now.

They're growing.

They need to collab with somebody that's hot right now

because they had a moment there.

I'd say like 2005

Thank you. coming dude they have their eighth member now they're growing they need to like collab with somebody that's hot right now because they they had a moment there i'd say like 2005 to 2015 yeah they were everywhere i feel like that maybe the the pandemic hit them especially hard they did i think they need to go like avengers with the uh circumcised people like oh i love people walk around with the the red blotch in their pants like that's the kind of energy if you get both of them.
I've been mutilated. Yeah, right.
Those type of crazies put them together. They might be able to accomplish some things.
Well, you know, Westboro Baptist Church protests dead soldiers' funerals. Yes.
So maybe, you know, we get involved in another little scuffle internationally. Yeah.
Then you get punched. They'll get their numbers up.
True scumbags. The circumcised guy, I got into a debate with him one time outside the super bowl because he did have like the blood stain on his crotch and he was i i realized what he was so mad about he thinks that his own dick sucks yeah so he was protesting he's like my parents took away 14 separate functions and sensations from my penis when they circumcised me i was like dude just admit that just admit that you think your dick is bad.
You got a small dick. He's got a small dick.
I don't know if it's small. I think his dick, he just doesn't feel his own dick.
You know what? A guy like that, you need to be like, have you ever been with someone that doesn't have a gag reflex? Because it is remarkable. You will not be doing this.
I remember this girl. It was Savannah, Georgia.
It was 2002.

And she let me touch the back of her throat with my fingers.

And I was like, why are we using my fingers?

And that'll really, it'll change your life.

So I have a question off of that.

You do a podcast with your wife.

Yeah, she knows the story.

Yeah, I was going to say, is that ever?

I mean, it's a hilarious concept. I listen to it.

It's great to watch two people who are married just be so open about everything. Has there ever been a moment where it's like, okay, that was like after the show.
Like, all right, let's not do that again. Not about, like we've had moments where we're, like we're, you know, having an argument.
But it's not because like I said something gross or shared. She doesn't get about this kind of like you know this girl from this it'll just be like regular marriage stuff right where like what was that you know that kind of thing where you're like no what did you mean by that yeah and then we stop because we go it's not fun to do the show with like like you know like combative energy so we'll just stop recording talk wait i just didn't know what you meant oh okay and we do our show but like as far as sharing some crazy like old sex story i mean i love upsetting her like i feel like it's a thrill to see her get grossed out right then so i always do that and and you know it works like it's just she's the kind of wife that you can tell those stories to.

Right.

And she's also a comic.

So it's like.

Right.

She knows how to roll with stuff, too.

It's a very cool concept.

And then obviously your other podcast with Bert.

With Bart.

It's got to be a different type of energy.

I mean.

Where he's.

Has there ever been a time when you're just like, hey, dude, like, just chill out?

Like, you're.

Can I talk, you mean?

Or that. Do I get to talk today yeah there is funny because we've had him on twice now in the last couple months and people are like he's such an awesome guest and then like the 10th comment will be like you guys weren't even on this show oh yeah i mean it's funny because he is the sweet.
People don't know. This is the sweetest guy.

Yeah.

He's so fucking funny.

He is really a remarkably funny dude.

But his stream of... He doesn't even know sometimes how he's being...

I'll tell him...

I'll allow him to just over-talk me.

And it just works.

I'm like, I'm not bothered. But if there's someone else...
If we go to dinner, I'd be like, you have to let over talk me and it's just for whatever reason like i just it just works i'm like i'm not bothered but if there's someone else like in ever go to dinner i'd be like you have to let them talk i would pull him aside he'd be like oh really because he's so unaware of himself right are there places that you know i think we said when he was on the show that he's kind of like a gun like you'd like to he's fun to play with but you have to be very cognizant about what environments you bring him into oh dude and who's around are there certain places that you have said okay this is this is not a burt place yeah indoors like yeah oh dude last night i i took him to dinner uh and uh with uh primo with dj premiere and a bunch of people and burt was already he had tied one on already like we showed up and And was like how much have you had to drink and he and then he just like starts you know I think he finished like four bottles of wine to himself at dinner and then he goes we're just sitting around talking shooting the shit and he goes hey primo and I'm like and he goes I hope this isn't offensive and I was like oh my god I'm like what are you gonna say and he goes I just want to get something out before I black out and I'm like, and he goes, I hope this isn't offensive. And I was like, oh, my God.
I'm like, what are you going to say? And he goes, I just want to get something out before I black out. And I'm like, oh, fuck.
These are the worst qualifiers ever. And I really, at this point, I'm like, well, you're already in.
I don't know what you're about to do. And he just goes, it's just such an honor to have dinner with you.
I'm like, that's what you fucking say before that? That's perfect. Yeah, he's out of his mind, dude.
We should ask, how are you doing physically? Physically, I'm doing well. I had a fucking nerve transfer.
It's pretty wild. They took a nerve from here, and they moved it here.
From your wrist to the back of your wrist. Yeah, so you have two muscles and nerves underneath, on the underside of your forearm, that allow you to pronate, right? Okay.
So one of them, they figured out you don't need to do that. Huh.
So they took it and they put it here where a nerve wasn't firing. Is this because of the injury? Yeah.
Holy shit. And they didn't know I needed that when I initially had surgery.
So when I initially had surgery, they put a pin and screws in my humerus, like the upper part. And they're like, oh, your nerve stuff nerve stuff will just come back that's the way it works and at about seven months in they're like hey this thing's not firing right and then they did a surgery on my arm where the fucking surgeon i was like how like this sounds like wild shit he's like yeah i've never done it before i'm like what the fuck he goes yeah it's a new procedure that this brazilian doctor.
And I'm like, okay. And I'm having it done? Great.
That's wild. So that injury, and everyone has seen it.
Yeah. Yeah, let me see.
But I always think, as an adult, when you get injured, it's such a different experience. Athletes get injured, but they know that injury is part of the game.
When you're an adult, you get injured? Oh, no, you're going to send me something so gross. I actually love this shit.
Wait, you're filming off. I love looking at terrible injuries and horrific things.
Yeah. So none of this, like, I watched your injury so many times.
Oh, yeah, everybody did. Oh, look at that.
Oh, my God. That's fixing the nerve, though.
Awesome. Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck. See, I could watch this forever.
How many beers like this and puke videos are just endlessly hilarious to me. But your injury.
So when I saw it initially and I was like, oh, my God, the worst part about this is like there's something about getting injured as an adult that like the shame and regret you have right after is so like all encompassing. i just wish i hadn't done that there's so many like like there's so many little moments yeah that become so vivid like that period of time you know how you have memories of whatever the last during your life right some of them are like uh fuzzy some of them you're like i remember that girl or i remember that like that place we went i remember that vacation but like that time period uh from getting injured to like recovery is like it happened yesterday it's like vivid memories you know yeah and i remember the week before i've told this before the week before i'm in oklahoma city and i'm doing the road and i have josh potter who's a comedian friend of mine with me and i go you know what we're doing what Bert and I are doing next week to film for our we were filming this for our New Year's live show that we do he's like what are you doing I go we're gonna do basketball and we're walking from the hotel to this coffee show I mean I remember like it was yesterday and he goes oh basketball and I go yeah man because I used to play a lot I used to play high school basketball I used to play club basketball i did pickup games in college i used to play pickup games when i got to la i go yeah i used to play a lot of basketball so i'm gonna fuck them up so that's why i picked basketball and he goes i don't know man he goes basketball that's how guys in their 40s get fucked up their knees their achilles and i just went like whatever like but i just i was like yeah all right and then we went and got caught.
I just remember it so clearly. Yes.
And then that day, too, I remember jumping in my office. One of the guys was like, I bet you can't hit the ceiling.
And I jump and I smack the ceiling. And I landed and I was like, that felt weird.
Yes. But I didn't really say anything.
I was like, that felt weird. And then playing, you know, just like, but we're having fun.
That's right. You're having a good time.
Not thinking you're doing something reckless or, you know, or stupid. Yeah.
And just going up for that one and it feeling like a fucking gunshot. You know, it's wild.
It's the worst feeling, though, because it really is like, like I said, like getting injured as an adult. You just know, like, hey, I'm an adult.
I could just live the rest of my life just doing things where I don't get injured. Why am I doing this? Like last time I got very injured playing basketball, I hurt my back.
And the same thing where it's like it tweaked. I was like, oh, I'm fine.
And played like an hour more pickup. And then five minutes after I finished, I couldn't move.
Yeah. That kind of shit.
We're like, why would you do that and then like why and you know bert was there yeah and bert goes like i still remember him going you okay buddy right and i'm sitting with my arm facing the other way yeah behind my back he goes buddy and i was like call 9-1-1 i guess it's good that it got caught on camera though it would have been such a waste if it wasn't filmed. Telling that story, not the same without.
I remember telling, first I'm in the emergency room, and then I'm in another room in the hospital. When they're finally getting me ready for surgery, surgery's going to happen in a day or two, but I'm in a regular, my own room.
This trauma surgeon comes in, and he's like, so wait, how did this happen? And I'm and i'm telling him and he's like okay i can see that he's like putting it together near his head and then i go you know i have it on video and he goes i'm sorry what and i go i have it on video from multiple angles and he's like why and i go well because we're filming for this thing he goes you know i'd really like to see that he could show that to people. I go, I think you'll just get the link.
I think you'll see it. Yeah, you'll see it everywhere.
And he's like, okay. And then I showed it to him, and I gave him my phone, and he goes, oh.
And I go, wait, you're shrugging at that? He goes, yeah, that was terrible. I don't want to see that again.
That's the worst thing I've ever seen. I mean, you'd have to say, like, Annette, not good for your life, but good for your career.
I mean. Everyone talked about it for a while.
Like it was big news on the internet. I monetized it.
Like I made millions of dollars off of it. But I also, but I also was like, people were like, yeah, bet.
I was like, well, dude, like if you go, hey, would you rather that not happen and give that money back? I'm back i'm like yeah of course i think it's one of those things though where if you had asked if somebody asked you a hypothetical question 20 years ago like would you take you know x million dollars in exchange for breaking uh two body parts on camera trying to play basketball you would have said yes probably then maybe they were like, by the way, you'll also already be making millions of dollars.

I'd be like, oh, okay.

Yeah, that's actually a fair counterpoint.

I think I'll put those aside.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So is there, was, I don't want to like make you relive it too much, but I've wondered

since I saw the video, if you disfigure two parts of your bodies at the same time, is

there one that hurts more than the other? It's a very good question. does your brain only focus on that thing? You're 100% correct, yes.
So what happened was I didn't even know for days that my leg hurt because the arm pain was so substantial and so much more. And I asked that question in the hospital.
I'm like, I don't really feel like my leg's like my legs injured and they're like you will they're like it's just that the arm pain your brain your brain picks it supersedes yeah yeah so i was just like oh my god my arm is so fucked and it was shattered so i was like god damn and they were just giving me fucking dilaudid into my neck i was like give me more it was just so was just so amazing. I'm a big fan of drugs.
And that shit is amazing. I mean, that's medical heroin.
And, like, it makes you want to try heroin. It's so good.
It's tough to poop after, though. Bro.
Did you have some poop issues? Yes. Yes.
And then I also, when I finally, when they fixed my arm and my knee started to hurt, I was like, God damn, that fucking hurts. And then they put a nerve blocker in your leg.
So they inject you and it kills, like it numbs that nerve. So just to like numb that pain.
And yeah, I was fucking, oh my God, dude. I was having different nurses finger me and give me suppositories.
One of One of them put her whole hand in my ass, this little Asian chick, had these little fingers, and I was like, how much is in there? And she was like, well, I have small hands. I'm like, oh, God.
She's like wiggling it around in there. Oh.
But it was a design. And I couldn't wipe, dude.
Yeah. You know, because this was so fresh that I was like, how will I? And one guy actually came in and gave me wipes, and I had to tell him that he was going to wipe.
Tough news. He was like, what? And I go, no, I can't do it.
And he was like, oh. Like, I saw him break.
He was like, oh, no. He's like part of the job.
I mean, they didn't even offer a bidet or even an attachment to put on? No, just like people will help you it was horrible it was really horrible wait so you said as a big fan of drugs what's your favorite drug dilaudid that yeah but not without the injury that is the greatest thing i've ever experienced i mean it was really that's crazy i remember i go i go when i got to the emergency room i was with bert and great guy to be with at that moment he's by the way he's a germaphobe germaphobe and like he doesn't handle high stress well he was just like he was sitting there he's like i don't know what i'm doing i just know that i love you i was like thanks buddy i love you too and then they're like i'm in i mean you know it's like trauma right i'm like i don't know what's

going and the nurse comes in and they had given me i don't know fentanyl or something and i don't feel any any of the effects i mean like so much pain and she goes like okay so what would you rank your pain level and they have a chart on the wall you have the faces yeah and they have numbers and I just go

nine

and then Bert goes

it's ten

say fucking ten

and I go oh yeah have a chart on the wall yeah the faces yeah and they have numbers and i just go nine and then

burke goes it's 10 say fucking 10 and i go oh yeah yeah it's 10 he goes why wouldn't you say 10 i'm like i don't know you want to leave yourself space it's like you can always get worse i wanted to be like yeah it'll be worse and then they they tried to avoid giving you dilaudid i didn't know that so they're like how about this how about that i'm not working. Yeah.
And then they're like, all right, we're going to bring out the, and then they tell you, they go, by the way, nothing is stronger than this. This is the max we can give you.
Holy fuck. And then as they give it to you, they go, you might feel a warm rush in your chest.
And it's like a countdown. It's like three, two, and you're like.
Oh my God. And you feel it and you're like, yeah, dude, this is great.
That's it. Holy fuck.
I was asking for it. Like, they're like, you just took some.
We have to give you a little break. And I feel it and you're like yeah dude this is great That's it, holy fuck I was asking for it like, they're like you just took some We have to give you a little break And I was like you don't have to It's a 10, it's an 11 Big news guys, you can now listen to the SXM app At home or anywhere you are You can stream it all on your phone You can stream it online 425 channels are waiting for you On the SiriusXM app.
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I was trying to figure out when I first interacted with you online and I realized that I think it was you love college football like you just said on the yak. I think it was over our guy Robert Kukua, may he rest in peace, the Hawaii announcer.
Do you remember him? No the he was the big guy who would announce hawaii games with the you know huge hawaiian shirt okay and it was essentially like if you knew who the guy was it's like you watch you either gamble too much myself or you watch too much college football and you're up at like one in the morning on a saturday how hardcore are you of a gambler i i like to gamble a a lot a lot yeah yes every day and and like we're talking like you throw like major money yeah yeah i love it's my only hobby but that's it's not just i mean that's a rush right yeah no it's i mean i it really is like it's like the dilaudid of living yes yes with money i always say like it was i when i was i think 11 years old i won um a hundred dollars at a turtle race in key west florida and that was like all right this was fucking awesome i want you gamble too yeah i don't i don't throw around as much money as big cat does but i bet what's the biggest bet you've ever placed for me yeah i don't want to say my number yeah come on come on dude what do you think people're poor? The game of the year has gotten a little substantial. Yeah.
It's been... It's a lot.
It's one of the game of the years. Yeah, I'm down.
I'm going to have to bleep that out. Bleep it out.
Your reaction tells everything. That's the most I've ever done.
That's a substantial bet. It is.
Wait, so do you gamble? I mean, like very passively you know i mean like i don't do it online really um i i go to vegas to do shows sometimes i'm walking by the sports book and and you know it's a certain time of year i'm with it's more fun for me if it's like i'm with friends yeah you all been on a game together yeah that's awesome that's kind of fun but like you know i rare like i don't know

the ends and like if you bet a lot you start really knowing all the little details and lines

and like this and push i'm like yeah dude i'm just like who do i think will win right that's

my level of betting so i'm not like probably would make you better than me i doubt it yeah

i mean that's sometimes wait did you that large bet did you win that that one i did win you

Thank you. will win right that's my level of betting so i'm not like it probably would make you better than me i doubt it yeah i mean that's sometimes wait did you that large bet did you win that that one i did win you did what did that fucking feel that felt awesome i also had a run a couple months

ago where i went 10 and 0 on 10 straight days which was sick of wins yes and that was that was

very do you bet do you do like you know uh blackjack and crap i like playing blackjack and

I'm not a big craps guy.

Did you ever,

did you ever,

do you know,

you may have already,

Thank you. Yes, and that was very, very fun.
Do you do like blackjack and craps? I like playing blackjack, and I'm not a big craps guy. Did you ever, you may have already covered this, Dana White's run at blackjack there? No.
You haven't looked this up? No. It's one of the wildest things, dude.
Look this up. Dana White is banned from almost every, he lives in Vegas, from almost every major casino casino playing blackjack because he has taken them, listen to this, he has taken them for millions.
Wow. Millions.
He counts cards. He's got like a system then.
He has a system. Yeah.
And one of the casinos, I forget which one, they gave him a belt and they were like, you are the champ and you are no longer allowed to play him. Never coming back.
That's the nicest way to kick somebody out ever holy shit this dude i mean there's videos on him doing this it's insane i don't know what his system is and we're talking walking out with like hey i want i won uh 1.3 million dollars playing blackjack they're like please don't come here anymore we've had him on a bunch we got to bring. You got to bring them up.
Wait, so who's your college team for college football? I mean, I'm a longtime FSU fan, so it's been a rough couple years. Yeah, it has.
I don't waver from it. But it's been bad.
It's been really rough. Really, really bad.
It's been really bad. You had Jameis, though.
That was a fun run. That was a fun fucking run.
And I went to that game. I went to the national championship game that year.

That was a thrill.

And you have to accept it if you're a big Chicago guy.

Badgers are my college team.

Especially if you have a team and they win something really big.

You have to accept the cyclical nature of it.

For me, I actually get so fucking angry that sometimes I remove myself from watching things. You know what I mean? Like, if all of a sudden they're like one in four, I'll be like, you know what? I think I probably shouldn't watch the game this weekend because I'm not going to get any fucking fulfillment out of this.
See, so I have a little bit of a different take because, you know, my teams don't win often. You know, the Cubs won and the Blackhawks had a nice run.
And obviously you way back and like the Bulls and stuff but I have found later on in life that I've enjoyed the ride I've been able to enjoy the ride a lot more if you get in on the bad times right like Wisconsin basketball this year you know I always knew they were flawed but they had a year where they overachieved and it's like they're probably going to lose in a heartbreaking fashion in the tournament. Like they did.
They went one for 23 or something on three.

But it's like the ride, the stops on the ride, watching them every three nights.

That's the fun part.

Yeah.

Like enjoying that.

I guess it, you know, I come and go with it.

One of the things that happens too is because of the nature of doing standup, I'm always working on a Saturday.

Right.

So I very like, you know, I'll record something.

And if like, I see the highlight before and it's like, they lost 56 to 17. I'll be like, I don't know if I'm going to watch this one.
Jacksonville State this year? Yeah, that was bad. That was really bad.
It's rough, dude. And also now you have Dion just taking, which Florida State fans got really mad at me because I hopped in one of those Twitter spaces, and I was like, they all florida state fans are convinced that barstool is funding dion to buy recruits and it's like my my response is always like if that were true like dave would just be getting everyone to michigan like he right he has no allegiance to i'll say this that's a fun conspiracy theory yeah so they were all so mad because i hopped in and they were like well look i'm a big fan of them and i'm a big deon fan i uh i did not get mad at that yeah i'm like this is this is the game we're playing right like you know and also that dude is i'm i think he could convince a lot of people yes to make that especially cornerback if you're like the best if you're the uh the number one recruit in the entire country coming out of high school as a cornerback who else would you want to play for to get ready for the NFL? And Prime has created this whole environment of this is fun, we're building something here.
I mean, I know we're seeing snippets of it, but you watch it as a fan, you're like, yeah, it looks like he's building something fucking cool there. Yeah, so your career, I've read about like when you started out and it's got to be similar to dion like that do you ever look back fondly on those days when it's like i'm in this you know comedy world i don't know if it's gonna work and like that grind of because you're you're there now you know you're very very successful you have a seven-year tour going on yeah i mean the memories that we talk about the most are of the shitty times the climb yeah yeah that that's literally what we talk about the most remember doing that bar show where that guy puked and laid in it and on the front row like you know not getting paid on a gig that you're supposed to get paid on staying in awful fucking comedy condos like those are the things you you laugh about like the shitty gigs that you do by the way for years right years right and then people are like oh you know you're overnight or whatever you're like no this is a 20 year ride but yeah no it's true because it happens with us too like we speaking of florida state we you know we do a college football show now and it's we're now at a point where we fly in.
It's like thousands of students come out to see us, and we fly right out. Dave and I always joke, we did a Dumb and Dumber 2 promo ad deal where we had to dress up in the tuxedos, and we did a college football show outside a frat at Florida State where we had to wake the dudes up at 9 in the morning.
It was like 20 dudes pissed off standing behind us like, fuck you guys. Yeah.
And like, those are the funny stories. Of course.
Those are like the moments that you remember, not like, oh, this is sick now. We have like.
I love that you guys are like, you're like banned from NFL activity. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Oh, they have.
They've got our pictures, our names. Yeah.
Can you even go to a stadium? Yeah, we can. We can.
As a fan, you can go to. Yes.
We can't go to any NFL media event. We can't go to anywhere the commissioner is.
They have a geofence around them. I remember just peripherally watching.
Didn't you have one episode of an ESPN thing? Yes. Thank you.
It was sick. That's not necessary.
We had one and a half. We filmed part of the second.
And how did you get pulled? It went well. The first one? Yeah.
It went okay, yeah. It was on at like two in the morning, and it was after.
On a Tuesday. I can't remember.
On ESPN2. What is the phone call? This isn't working out.
You're like, it's aired once. Oh, we didn't get a phone call.
No, no, no. That's not why we got taken off.
Phone call? So the reason why we aren't bitter about it is it was out of our control. It was people at ESPN basically being like, we don't want to be associated with Barstool.
Fun, cool people. Right.
Yeah, right. People who really, I'm sure they're very happy with their life.
Creative, coming up with cool shit all the time. Yeah, ripping out someone else's dream.
But that was the part where it was like, at least

we didn't get canceled because

it sucked. Gotcha.
I talked

to John Skipper, who was the president

of ESPN at the time, the guy that fired us.

And no, he did not give us a phone call or

anything like that. But you didn't talk to him.
Erica. We were in

his office. The two of us were in his office.
He was like,

he looked at us and was like, I got your guys back.

Yeah. That was last we talked to him.
And then we're actually

filming episode two, and we're in the middle of taping. So are running we're in this shitty little like basement looking set and um big cat's phone rings and it's erica and he puts it on speaker and uh erica goes hey guys i got bad news espn's canceling the show and so you get to see that much like your basketball experience yeah you saw two hearts break at the same time And we just kind of like slumped down.
We're like, oh, fuck. But I talked to Skipper not too long ago.
Yeah. And I asked him about the experience.
And he thought that he had called me and talked. I was like, no, no, no, no.
That's hilarious. And he goes, he goes, well, what happened was I had never been to BarstoolSports.com, the website.
And so all these people came into my office saying, you should see the stuff that's on their website. So he typed in barstoolsports.com, looked at it, and the first two blogs he saw on there, one by a guy named Jerry Thornton, who writes about teachers that get arrested because they had sex with their high school student.
And then the second one that he saw was from our good friend Uncle Chaps and it was just a picture of a pumpkin and the pumpkin looked like it had a butthole where the stem was yeah and he goes do you think this pumpkin wants the pipe yeah and so he was like so i saw like a guy wanted to have sex with a pumpkin and then some teacher had sex with a student and i was like i can't be in business with this yeah so that's but that's that's on him though. Of course it's on him.
If we had gotten fired after five shows, that's probably because our show was psyched. This is like somebody not looking up who they're going to bought tickets to go see.
Go look it up. We were very naive at the time and the lesson we learned, I wonder if this ever happened to you in your career in terms of whether it whether it be like a show or something to try to convince you we spent so long trying to get espn comfortable with us we should have realized like now i have the radar up where if someone says they want to do something with us and they're like well i got to just check with this person like nope i'm out because i like i know if you're not all in right away from day one it's there's going be a moment where you're like, I don't think this is right.

What's happened is that you've stayed doing the things that you want to do,

and you're pleasing yourselves by doing the show you want to do, and it's successful.

And what that buys you is the ability to be like, if you don't want to fuck with me on this, I'm fine.

And I love it because I feel like comedy recently in comedy recently in the last whatever three four or five years and you especially because you've had your podcast for a very long time like it's got to be freeing knowing that you are now at a point where and i hate using the word cancel but fans of comedians can find their comedians they don't have to like there's nothing behind it there can just give you, you can give your fans what they want without having someone like putting an ax over your head. Yeah.
I don't, I don't like answer to anybody. It's awesome.
I mean, like I, I tour, so I own my tour. I own a podcast network that has a number of podcasts.
We're announcing another one next week. Why don't you do it right now? It's so good, too.
Wait, when next week? For real? Next week. Where are we? It's in April.
Yeah. Wait, so we're not going to run this until Friday.
Next Friday. Next Friday? Yeah, so just announce it.
Oh, okay. Because then we're good publicity.
That's true. So we signed Danny Brown.
Danny Brown is a rapper and a super hilarious dude. He's one of the this is whenever our younger uh producers nod i'm like this is good yeah you did good because i'm like a 37 year old dad i'm like i don't know but he's he's nodding so he's right let's just run this tomorrow on tomorrow's show bruiser brigade man he's so fucking he's like one of the funniest dudes i've we've ever had on and like he's got a great fan base and he moved to austin and we were shooting the shit and he was like i'd do a podcast if you produce it and i was like done so how many people do you have working for you now um it's probably equal to parcels a couple hundred no it's um you know we have our studio it's like um staff wise i think we're close to like 10 staff there that's i mean um but it's like it's our own thing you know it's like you're living the dream in that respect we just put the shows out we want to put out and it's great i wanted to tell you this because of your skipper story is that when the pandemic struck is the first time um we tried we realized you know there's no touring so're like, what are we going to do?

And so we did a live show.

I don't know if you ever saw that we did these things called YMH Live.

And what it was was a show that we could put together uncensored and that we would also shoot sketches.

So basically try to raise the value of a –

it can't be like, hey, we're just doing our podcast,

but make it worth a ticket price.

So we were like, all right, we'll do a $10 ticket.

It's like a really accessible price. And then we'll show these sketches that we shoot and then we'll show things that we can't show on our youtube show meaning like uncensored and then we'll do a segment called the heavy segment which will be like wild shit like really crazy deep dark internet shit we don't know what's going to happen and it's just an experiment like when you just try let's see if this works so we do it on a friday tickets go on sale and as the show starting i get a message from the guy like the web master guy he's like this is selling insane right now and i'm like really and it's like molt like thousands of'm like, wow.
So we do our show, and then it stays on sale because if you don't catch it live, you can watch it afterwards. And he's calling me like Monday.
He's like, dude, it's like, this is bananas. And then he calls me.
He goes, hey, the platform that I found to air this just took it down. And I go, why? I thought you said it was selling like crazy.
He goes, yeah, they told me 24 hours ago that it had broken their record for their site. And I'm like, so what's the problem? He goes, dude, there are multiple investors that support this site, and one of them is the NFL.
the ceo of this thing is terrified that roger goodell is going to find out that the thing that is selling well is two guys getting fisted by a guy and having their prolapsed anuses fall out and i go you don't know if he likes it yeah yeah and they're like they're like he's going to like it. So what we did, they took it down.
We couldn't put it back up. And then we found another platform that would host it.
And they were like, we don't give a fuck what you put on here. And that's where they live now.
That's crazy. He was scared of Roger Goodell.
Yeah. And that is how it works.
It's really, there's like every time we talk to people, you'll have allies in different companies. And the normal people will be like this is awesome this is funny you guys make jokes and then there'll be like someone sitting in a boardroom somewhere where it's like i don't find this funny yeah and that's it and they can they can just wild too that that's the guy like that's what you find out too in comedy like you do you pitch a show to a network and it's just fucking sally and jim who are like we don't like it yeah who what do you do yeah and they're like comedy did you write do you write comedy yeah have you ever performed oh you you just get to decide they personally don't like it yeah yeah they get like 10 tweets and they're like yeah we're getting blowback we don't want to deal with it what yeah and i feel like some of the people should wear you know different're like, what? And they're like, they're just deciding things like their own personal taste.
It's crazy. It's crazy.
But I mean, that's awesome that you have. I mean, you're very, very successful.
You guys are like the, you know, the inspiration. Like you guys are the example of it.
Of like guys who just did sports the way they want. That wasn't like the, and we'll be back in three.
Right. and and with like the same takes you know what diverse you have to be able to deal with um different uh struggles during the season and uh these guys yeah if you fumble you're not gonna win this game like what the fuck are we watching like you know what's helped us a lot is that um sports have gotten a lot smarter like people know a lot more analytics everything but at the end of the day, the reason why it works for us is that we are inner meatballs.
If I'm thinking, okay, yeah, you should be a guy in a baseball game if you want to send a message. Or you should get in a fight in hockey if you want to rally your team.
Like those things that are now becoming like those aren't numbers.

Like that doesn't help the team.

It's like there's stupid things that we think where we're like, yeah, run the ball.

Run the ball and you'll win.

Play defense.

It's like, no, that's proven not to be correct.

But it is in our mind.

Yeah.

And it's like you're talking the way that honestly a lot of guys who watch sports want to hear somebody speak.

You know, it's like it's like the why we all get so excited about an athlete who doesn't give like those you know soundbite answers yeah like we just hope that um you know if we play as a team we'll win you're like jesus christ like you want the fucking psycho who's saying wild shit because you're like this is entertainment just make it fucking entertaining man yeah i truly believe that every nfl team should have at least two fullbacks on the roster even though there's nothing there's nothing that you can quantify to say this works but i also am barely smart enough to realize that i'm dumb for thinking that nfl teams should run the ball with their fullback more often yeah so we can make fun of ourselves for being like big cat said meatballs from time to time and then people it doesn't matter if you like you agree with our inner meatball or if you agree with that voice in the back of our heads that's telling our inner meatball to shut up like there's something for everybody a little bit but at least we're honest with people yeah of course and then and that big key is that you're honest with your take and then we do this too it's like you know i might say the most inflammatory wild reckless shit and then you go hey i'm open season two you can make fun of the way i look the way i speak the fucking things i do like you just make fun of me fucking breaking my leg and arm trying to jump yeah i don't care yeah no the whole world did yeah they did yeah the whole world did so what i noticed reading about you earlier today is that um you have a connection with a player that we've talked about on this show since like 2016 oh yeah, yeah. Cassius Marsh.
Yeah. So Cassius Marsh, you may remember him if you're not familiar.
He's the guy that did the karate celebrations and he bought or he had $50,000 worth of Magic the Gathering trading cards stolen out of his car back in like 2016. So he bought your house.
He bought a house that I owned. Yeah.
Yeah. Did you get to meet him at all yeah we did a podcast together what's he like awesome absolutely fantastic dude i so at first this is funny i'm in la you know in la it's kind of just like new york where you can get a call like you know who's buying your house it's fucking just one of those cities right yeah so So at first, my realtor calls me and she goes, hey, I think an NFL person might buy your house.
And I go, who? And she goes, oh, I don't know. I'm like, this is not a good call.
Give me the name. And then she calls me back.
She goes, do you know, I think his name is Joe Namath. I'm like, yeah, I know Joe Namath.
I go, he's buying my fucking house? And she goes, no, his daughter. But she might buy the house.
And I'm like, all right. And I go, that's fucking cool.
I'm showing up to that fucking closing. Yeah.
And then she called me. She goes, oh, she fell out.
And then she calls me and she goes, another NFL player might buy your house? I'm like, are you only showing this to NFL players? She goes, no. And then she tells me cashes.
And we actually started to just DM and like i was telling him like if you need this for the house like tell him stuff about the house yeah and then he you know he would like message me about some comedy stuff and about football and then the reason that my that studio which is in la where it was where where it is is because of a proximity to the house he bought.

So one day I was just like, Hey man, do you want a podcast?

So he came over great podcast.

I actually didn't realize I read a blurb, like a buy, like a wiki thing.

I see like something magic.

So when I had him on, I was like, so you're a big fan of magic.

And he was like, what?

And I go, you love magic.

He was like magic, the gathering. I'm like, it it's like so do you do shit like magic shows and shit and he was like are you fucking with me right now and i was like are you fucking with me he was like no magic the guy and i was like abracadabra i don't know what you are you gonna do a trick or something he was like do you not know what i'm talking about i was like no i don't he had like most expensive collection or one of the most expensive collections in the united states i think he he is so deep into like trading cards uh memorabilia uh magic the gathering uh nft like he knows that and he is actually doing so incredibly well in that because he has a business like he actually has a place that like specializes in this he told me and this is on a podcast that's why i don't feel weird saying it he goes i will make more from all that stuff than my nfl stuff like not even close like this for in a season good for him um all right so you gotta go uh this has been awesome rowback question last question okay uh we we have rowback gear if you want to if you want any free stuff okay i don't know if you like free stuff.
R-H-O-B-A-C-K.com. Use code TAKE for 20% off your first purchase.
Roback, Q-Zips, and hoodies. Yeah, whatever you guys want.
So what's your last question? What is your NFL team? All right. Just hear me out.
Okay. I was born in Cincinnati.
Okay. I left when I was nine.
Okay. It was the year they went to the Super Bowl and lost to the 49ers, 88.
Which, yeah, they had it twice. Yeah, now three times.
So I left. We went to Minneapolis.
Fucking nine-year-old kid. This is like the worst.
You're just doing a tour of the worst franchise you've ever had. Holy shit.
I'm going to fucking Vikings games. Two years later, we moved to Milwaukee.
Packers are playing half their season at Milwaukee County Stadium. Three years later, we leave there.
We move to Vero Beach, Florida, two hours north of Miami. Start going to fucking Dolphins games.
The answer is, whichever one of them is doing okay, I'll do. So it's Packers.
So wait, were you a Packers fan? This year, were you a Packers fan or Bengals fan? No, Bengals. Yeah.
Okay. All right.
Good. And actually, they've been depressing to be a fan of for a long time.
Yeah. But it is rad to see them actually have a great season.
It's very cool. Yeah.
That is funny, though. If you hadn't mixed in the Packers area, it would have just been like, so your team's just awesome.
It's just all me, dude. Yeah.
Wherever I go, they're like, we're going to suck for you. We had a question on our show the other day of a couple that had a kid, and one of them's a Lions fan, one's a Browns fan.
And they're like, what do we raise this child? And we came to the conclusion, like, I think you just raise them both a Lions and Browns fan because if you say that to someone, they're not going to be like, oh, you can't root for two teams. They're just going to be like, oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, maybe pick a different sport. Yeah.
Maybe I would do with that family. Yeah.
Like, hey okay do you like fucking hockey yeah maybe switch it up do that yeah yeah the red wings had some nice years yeah there it is boom done done um but thank you so much for joining us thanks for having me and go see tom he's gonna be every city in america for the next eight years i can't list the dates tom cigar.com and and listen to his uh, one with his wife and one with Bert, and then also the new podcast coming out soon. Danny Brown.
That's what's up. Cool.
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And now, here's Pete Holmes.

Okay, we now welcome on recurring guest, Pete Holmes.

Hi.

It's been a long time.

Yes.

I'm using the catchphrase.

Pardon.

It's been what?

Mugging to the gram.

Yeah, get right into it.

That's what we say at the start of every show.

We say pardon.

Pardon me, everybody, but we're back with a long time recurring guest.

Yeah.

2018.

Anything happen

in between those years?

You know, quite a bit.

There was a national,

actually sort of a global thing happening.

We were just saying off mic,

I just got the Coco Maloco.

Yeah, you were,

I've had it three times, I think.

You have not.

Yeah.

Two documented in a third.

Yeah.

You can't get it three times.

Oh, yeah, you can.

You can.

Listen, you kind of collect them all.

I'll talk to you to figure out if this is possible yes because I'm living like I'm in the 90 day invincible period yeah but the way, everyone in New York is also living as if they're in the 90 day. You're also like fervently anti-vaxxer.
Well, I'm anti everything. It's a flat earth.
We landed on the moon. Yeah, right.
That sort of stuff. But no, I got the vaccination and it was very mild.
That's good. If my COVID was a salsa, it would have been pico de gallo okay so yeah you're not even it's just there yeah it was just yeah you're not really gonna dip into it but it looks pretty on the table right you maybe like do one with a chip and if the chip falls apart yeah yeah you need a spoon i've eaten pico with a spoon yeah but uh yeah we just wanted to do something as a family to get COVID.
Yeah, that's nice. We all got it together.
But we never had a fever. You know, I do have some people in my circle that are like anti all that stuff.
And I don't, this may be silly to say, but I was like hesitant to tell them how mild it was. Because they're going to be like, see? Told you.
See? Told you. And I was like, fuck.
Yeah. Yeah.
And they're like, you your vaxxed, right? It is just a cold. Yeah.
Damn it. Wouldn't it be crazy? I was actually thinking this the other day.
Wouldn't it be crazy if literally everything that Alex Jones has said for the last eight years ended up being exactly perfect? Well, that was the plot of Men in Black, basically. Well, that was the plot of Men in Black, basically.
Yeah, exactly. Remember Tommy Lee picks up the tabloids, and he's like, these are the only real news members? Yes.
Yes. That would be hilarious if we're just like, well, that's egg on my face.
That's the world we're living in. Yeah.
Turns out the Illuminati Anunnaki's, they're here. Which of you, are either of you a lizard, a shape-shifting lizard? I just want to know who I'm talking about.
Billy is. Oh, I knew it.
I knew it. He is for sure a lizard.
Oh, he just did a. Don't do that.
He's a read through his tongue. You'll be a YouTube video and we'll play it in slow motion.
He's definitely sexually attracted to them. He blinked this way and then he blinked this way.
Speaking of men in black, were you one of those comedians that was like, Will Smith could have killed Chris Rock? You mean Judd? Am I Judd? Judd actually came in the next day and we made fun of him for it. I saw Judd last night.
He's the best. You know what I actually think is the funniest thing about it is how comedians make it about themselves.
That's what we do. And we're like, I'm going to be slapped now.
This friendly Crest toothpaste motherfucker is going to be up there getting slapped. It doesn't seem to be the issue.
It's a starting epidemic. I can smell it coming.
I'm next. Yeah, exactly.
I mean, Will Smith wasn't at a comedy show, first of all. I don't perform at the Oscars.
Right. This is why I was funny.
Like, guys working the circuit, working the funny bones are like, am I going to get attacked? Yeah, right. No, no.
In fact, I'm an optimistic. I'm kind of like, I think you're less likely because we've seen how, like, Absurd it looks.
Yeah. Absurd.
Absurd's a good word. But it was so sad.
Yeah. You know what I mean? It's not like a movie.
If that was in a movie, like violence in movies, we're like, ah! And then you see real, like, even though it's, you know, it's a slap. It's not like hardcore, but it's mild violence.
It's violence. And we're all just kind of like, I feel sad.
Yeah. Like, what was that? Yeah.
Like, it wasn't cool. Right.
Right. I do think it's not like hardcore but it's mild violence it's violence and we're all just kind of like i feel sad yeah like what was that yeah like it wasn't it wasn't cool right right i do think it's weird though how hollywood has like there's all these things that have come out in the news like in variety saying that will smith is losing jobs and that no producers will touch him right now yeah to me that makes no sense i feel like now would be the time to get will smith everyone's talking about him i don't know like you think think that he's going to flip out on set or something like that? Kind of like a no news, good news.
I think it's like the safest time to fly is after a plane crash. That's crazy.
I was just going to say. And so if you want Will Smith to not slap somebody, now is the time that you bring Will Smith around.
Can you imagine if he slapped another person? I almost hope that he does. Yeah, I kind of hope he does too because then it would be like his thing.
Like what are you going to like – you can't – if he slaps – I think if he slaps one more person, it's probably like, oh, this is a troubling issue. But if he goes and slaps like five people – You're like, I think he's in control.
I think he knows what he's doing. And then you can't get mad at him going forward if he slaps you because it's like you knew he was a slapper.
Yeah, he's the slap guy. Right.
You it's like no dude that's what he does yeah you knew yeah you knew you signed up for it if you've ever had like a troubled animal and you're like oh my god he never bites this is crazy i can't believe that he did that and then like three or four more then you got the vest on him yeah and then you got the muzzle yeah i actually had a dog that kept slapping me. Yeah.
I did a bad job of introing you because you have a new show. Yeah, I do have a new show.
That's what I'm here to promote. How We Roll.
Which is so, I always say this, it was my favorite job to work on. It's been so fun.
I missed my cast. I missed the crew.
So we're promoting the hell out of it. One, because it's a great and funny show.
But two, I really to see those I want to see those people again so please watch CBS 930 on Thursdays I think maybe tomorrow okay so watch it on streaming Hulu and then it's on Paramount Plus and I believe does CBS have an app yeah CBS Paramount Plus the one with mountain. I just downloaded Paramount Plus because I have to watch Paw Patrol.

So that's- I also have a child.

And Paw Patrol is the worst.

Here's a pro tip.

Paw Patrol the movie, not as bad as the show.

The show is mind-numbing.

Put on the movie because it is Paw Patrol.

Did they cancel Paw Patrol?

Wasn't that like-

It was part of-

Except because it was pro police?

Well, there's one cop and then there's also like a firefighter and a dump truck dog so you mean Chase yeah Chase yeah I haven't learned there's one cop two dads we know the name of the dog it's actually very funny because they all have these jobs and then there's just a bulldog who just drives a dump truck that's right it's like what the fuck that sucks I think we were saying that like in order counterbalance that, there should be a left-wing dog on the program, like Antipaw.

Yeah.

And he's going out there attacking.

Antipaw.

Yeah.

Wow, that was quick.

He's throwing bricks at people, yeah.

You put Antipaw together pretty fast.

Yeah.

Well, I think we talked about it like three years ago.

I think it's one of those things like,

you ever have something that you said like a while ago

that's just stored in the back of your brain?

Yeah.

And then all of a sudden somebody touches it.

And in three years, I'll go, Antipaw.

And I'll think I came up with it.

Yeah, no, it's yours.

That's how comedy works.

Thank you. that you said like a while ago that's just stored in the back of your brain yeah and then all of a sudden like somebody touches it three years i'll go antipa and i'll think i came up with it yeah no it's yours that's how comedy works i won't even know that's what i mean it'll just come out so so the show how we roll my my first question when i saw the um the you know little video that i watched today it's it's a guy who basically says you know what i'm quitting everything his family pushes him to start bowling as a profession yes and actually that's a good first of all it's based on the real life story of tom smallwood who's a real bowler okay that's a little bit of a spoiler okay i'm playing tom smallwood we know in reality tom smallwood is a professional bowler right so do you do you bowl or was it one of those situations where like i'm a huge athlete.
Where like Wesley Snipes had to learn how to play basketball. Wesley Snipes had to learn how to be a day walker.
Yes. And he drank blood.
Right. That's right.
Not a lot of people talking about that. Look at Instagram.
Billy's looking up right now. But do you bowl? Your face was shocked.
I bowled, because I'm from Boston, a candle pin.

Okay.

You remember a candle pin?

It's like a hard cantaloupe. The tiny ones.

Yeah.

It's more of a kid's sport.

Perfect for birthday parties.

But then when I got out to California, I did start doing more of the 10 pin.

Didn't know that's what it was called.

10 pin.

You want to sound cool.

It's the 10 pin bowl.

So you did have a little bit of bowling.

And then Robert Smith, not from The Cure. Robert Smith in The in the cure did come by set once but we just gently wept for a little bit robert smith the professional bowler came by and he taught me how to bowl uh he was the second guy we had the first guy we had on set i forget his name but he was a professional bowler too this was for the pilot he was like just bowl just show me how to bowl like how you bowl i was like okay i don't want to you know stick your foot out kind of finish i try it this is in front of everybody there's like 50 background people all the cast is there i do it and he goes not at all aren't you supposed to like you lead with encouragement yeah right okay that's where we're starting he would just like made fun of me and that was all the time we had.
That was the first lesson. Luckily, we reshot the pilot.
And in between that and the series being picked up, I had more proper lessons. And it's interesting.
It's little things. It's like, I'll give you a tip because you can see me.
I'm used to doing this on radio. But you might bowl like this, right? You got your fingers in here and you hold it like this.
He's like, just do that. Yeah.
Just that just that the spin and it's more to let the weight of the ball so instead of like moving your arm to throw it back let the ball is heavy right like a 10 pound ball let the ball do that while you're walking four little fred flintstone four little steps and then it comes out and you start throwing strikes i'm not saying It's not easy. I had a pro literally giving me, like, bonsai tree micro adjustments.
But then I would throw – I think I threw four in a row. Whoa.
Which was really cool. But thank you for that.
I do want to concede and say if you're in a rhythm, it's way easier. Right.
It's just like basketball in the same way that, like, bowlers have to throw twice, then they sit. Right.
And that slows you down. You can't just get into that muscle memory right right but yeah yeah that's i i the i assume a lot of people have that exact same thought when they see the show and they're like wait did you learn how to like because bowling's one of those things if you could be good at bowling yeah it's kind of like golf like if you're good at it it's a lot of fun if you suck it's the worst yeah no and you have to you have to stay interested yeah that was always my problem starting bowling is like, I'm going to really do it.
I'm going to bowl a perfect game. I'm going to go for it.
And then five frames in, you're a little drunk. You're a little bored.
Your hands are greasy and you give up. Yeah.
It's all about sticking with it. That's the problem for me is when I go bowling, if I get through five frames and I haven't had a beer yet, I just get bored.
and I'm like, I think I need to drink the lightest yellow color beer

you have in the most plastic pitcher that you sell.

Yeah, and they can do that.

It's like on The Simpsons.

He's like, go to first base, chug a beer.

Go to second base, chug a beer.

We know how to play softball.

So what's the best game of bowling that you've ever rolled?

You know, since I've had the lessons,

I haven't played because of the Coco Maloco. We were going to have our wrap party at Pins, this bowling alley in the Valley, and none of it happened.
Our wrap party was me and Katie Lowe's, who plays my wife, like watching the show, sadly alone with our families. And then we got it anyway.
Yeah. But you mentioned something that I think is important about the show.
Like Crashing, the show I did before this was about like it was very lone wolf. Right.
It was Pete. I want to be a comedian.
I'm alone. I have no friends, but I'm going to make it.
And honestly, that's a little bit what it's like being a comedian. It's a little bit like being a pirate.
Like you're just like, I'll go steal the booty like laughs. But this is about a family and friends together.
So it's like a really great for me post quarantine show the the show the script came through while we were in quarantine i was like this is what we need i feel like so many people during quarantine were like even if you had a great job like you guys i'm sure we're like wait what would i change right you know i mean you had that almost mon washing a dish. Look at Instagram right now.
He's just kind of thinking about his life. Yeah.
Billy bought a barn. I'm sorry, Billy.
I'm going to stop calling you Instagram. Monastic screwed him up.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, he actually is similar to a monk. He bought his own barn.
He lived in a barn. He collected animals.
He drank nothing but beer. This is what you did during the quarantine? It was his dad's barn, but yeah.
Okay. Well, see, this is my point.
Billy went his own way. Yeah.
He's very similar. He's very spiritual.
But even, like, my dreams came true. But, you know, I'm a comedian.
That was always my dream. And still, during the quarantine, I was like, what would I tweak? What would I change? And so many people in this time came out with a dream that they were like, I'm going to follow it.
Like, fuck it. We all die someday.
I'm going to go for it. And this story isn't just about somebody going for a dream.
It's about what happens when family and friends support it. His wife isn't like, get a job.
That was the first thing I looked for. And she's actually, as you said, she's the one that pushes him.
And that I just feel like kind of kind of in a Ted Lasso way. Yeah.
Like, you want something to root for. You want a group of people pointed in the same direction.
There's some salty jokes. It's got some edge.
But at the same time, it's like a friendly, optimistic show. So you mentioned Crashing.
And I loved the show. I was sad that it didn't get renewed for, what, a third season? What? Yeah.

No, but I... Did you hear this?

The thing I'm wondering...

You just put it on hiatus.

Is that target?

It's on hiatus.

It's coming back.

The thing I'm wondering is how...

It wasn't picked up for the fourth season.

Fourth season, fourth season.

No, it's all good.

How do you ever, like, dream...

Did you love my ego just there?

Like, I couldn't let that go?

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

They're worth...

You've had, like, four or five different shows that you've created get picked up, but like, you know, you're very, very accomplished. But do you ever, do you ever like dream about or daydream about like where the character was going to go? First of all, I'm touched that you still remember it, still like it, all that stuff.
And what a generous question. This is going to sound like bullshit.
Pardon. This is going to sound like bullshit.
But if we had done a fourth season, because we got, it was on the wind, that we weren't going to come back. Like HBO was always cool.
They weren't like, I don't know. But we just had this sense that things were wrapping up.
And that's why it ends so tight. Like we were like, let's get these people together.
Let's get that. But if we had done a fourth and we were working on it, Pete would have started to become successful.
Right. And the show was called Crashing.
Right. It's supposed to be about those.
To me, I wanted to make a show that was about what it's really like to be a comedian. And what it's really like to be a comedian, especially for the first 10, 15 years, is these micro achievements.

It's these little things. It's like, oh, I'm accepted at this club.
That's where crashing ends. He's accepted at the Comedy Cellar.
That's a huge deal. So when we started thinking about the fourth season, we looked at my career and we were like, well, maybe he does Conan and maybe Conan is like, give this kid a talk show.
As soon as you do that, it's not crashing. What about Pete gets a podcast, and then the company that paid all this money for his podcast starts deleting a lot of the episodes? That would be cool.
Wait, what is that? Joe Rogan. You mean Spotify? Yeah, Spotify, yeah.
That would be cool. Wow, I struggle to keep up with that one.
He gets canceled. That would be great if in season four you get so big, then you get canceled the other way.
I think, yes, those are big stories. And we were always dealing with those little, little stories.
And I'm proud of that. I know that sounds cheesy, but I'm proud that it was like, as soon as he has a podcast where he's canceled or he has a talk show, now you're watching Entourage.
And I like Entourage, but Crashing was always, now I'm really going to sound up my own ass, but it's about how what you want is on the other side of something you don't want. Right.
Like that. And I think the reason I like saying that is because I feel that that's true in reality.
And I'm not shoehorning this in. That's what Tom Smallwood did.
He got laid off on Crashing. I got divorced.
But on How We Roll, my character gets laid off. And that thematically is true.
I don't just mean for TV. I mean for our lives.
Like we had that. Some of us had that for the quarantine.
Like I'm saying, you reevaluate it in some way. I in real life had that with a divorce.
I've had that through all sorts of it's why would you ever make a change in your life if it's working? Right. That's just not how human animals are.
As animals, as a species, if it's working, keep look just not how human animals are as animals as a species if it's working keep look to our parents i'm assuming for other examples of this you see old people you get those grooves in your brain nice and deep yeah you think the same things you say the same things this is why 80 year old 90 year old they're always saying like inappropriate shit it's because that's their stuff right and it works right what do you mean i for years the same the same the same so you want to be fresh water you want to keep it moving like a river right but here's the thing we can say that but i feel myself atrophying all the time as a dad yeah my life is so much less about me so that's why we make dad jokes is because we're not even thinking about how to keep ourselves fresh. We're giving our lives to our children.
That being said, whenever shit is disrupted, shit like I'm a bad boy, whenever shit's fucked. Yeah, bleep it, bleep it, please.
I mean, like take crashing, getting canceled. Like these things that you don't want shift you around.
Yeah. They shake up the bottle and that's what you want you want your bottle shake yeah so you can continue to grow continue to change yeah and that's what how we roll is about i think at its core well in crashing you kind of alluded to this if he had gotten the the big talk show at the end i what i always liked about the show is that it was very high stakes about very small events in this person's life so it's like step by step trying to break through to the next step like get a couple laughs at an open mic night that's right or like go on the road and have a successful event that you put out and if you if it becomes something big then the show's totally different it would be very funny i'm curious to know your take on this like as a comedy writer is it possible to make a show like that or like ted lasso where the main character is you're rooting for him the entire time yeah generally good guy that that's easy to get behind is it possible to have like a finale to that show where it does take like a big dark turn like maybe your character in crashing had been plagiarizing the entire time and hadn't written any of those jokes or in like ted lasso maybe, maybe Ted Lasso's like a serial killer.
Like, you know, like it switches up entirely the vibe of the person. Is it possible to pull something like that off and make it funny without completely pissing off your audience? It's an interesting question.
I think the answer to that question really depends on what's going on in the world. Like the art that the culture makes is a reflection often unconsciously of what's going on in the culture my example is like remember the game uh cards against humanity i really like that game it's fun but it got less fun as the world got more cards against humanity right you know what i mean right like this is an exaggeration but cards against humanity would be like what's race? And you're just like, yeah, this shit's too real.
It's not funny anymore to talk that way when the world is collapsing in so many regards. So I don't think now is the time for Ted Lasso to be a serial killer.
You know what I'm saying? Right. Because TV shows are like the dreams we're all having together and and dreams are often things that you want like aspirational like it's like what if there was a a soccer team a football team that was rooting for each other that was underdogs like we want we want rudy right now we don't like my joke was like before the pandemic all the tv i was watching was was was pretty dark.
Right. Like I was watching.
I love Breaking Bad. I'm not putting down Breaking Bad.
I'm just saying, like, when I go home after the end of like a pretty the country being tense in so many different ways, I'm not like, let's watch a potboiler right now. Yeah, I'm like what I watched during the pandemic pandemic was uh frazier you know what i'm saying no you're right the office i would just rip through the office we watched the whole thing in the office we watched the whole thing of frazier we watched the whole thing of raymond and it was so funny here i was going back to multi-cam comedy and that's when the offer to do a multi-cam comedy came in and i literally was like these things have a place especially in America it's such an American thing my whole life I didn't know what I had like a kitschy nostalgia for and I'm always worried this is going to sound like I'm just towing the company line and trying to push my show but I really mean this I didn't know it was multicam comedies sometimes like Melania and Kroll they'd be talking about like MASH or alan alda just in general they had this like like really deep appreciation or conan always talking about the original batman series with adam west and i was like i just don't have that billy i just don't have it i don't know what my thing is right like that i have like an like a like an exaggerated love for it turns out it's a kitchen with a door.
The beers say light beer on them and they have water in them. They add that later.
And I'm, and, and talking to my TV wife, who's acting like Katie Lowe's did a great new interpretation of it. But like, we're still in a ceilingless building with the lights and the audience.
And I was like, Oh my God, this is what I thought show business was when i was 13 big comfy couch the stairs right behind the couch you have the stairs i don't even yes i was just gonna say when i saw our set i was like they did it i'm home i'm home yeah you're searching for al bundy you're facing the cameras and that's where the tv is right and the tv's flown out so it's it's assumed to be there the stairs are right behind i got my little son running up the stairs he stops on his mark and says something yeah it goes up to his room we all know it is comforting almost yeah the whole time this is why i'm like really promoting it i just i really want people to love the show and i really love making it i want to be back i have like this second house now like this other little

house it's a fake house sitting in a car like a pretend car that doesn't run and just like somebody's literally going like this to make it bounce up and down i'm like this is so much closer to a talent show at a summer camp than it is uh like a movie and i mean that in the best way possible. And it turns out that's all I wanted.
Yeah. You guys must feel that.
You come here, and especially as a dad, you dump out all of your look at me, all of your specialness. You get to shine and shimmer, and then the rest of your time, you can do whatever you want.
But this is your home base. Like, you must have, I hope you do, and I hope i hope you're appreciating it like the fondness for these guys for this these walls yeah it's ours your little clubhouse yes your little tree house absolutely with crashing we didn't look i'm not putting down crashing i loved it but we'd get up at 4 a.m and drive to long island to shoot one scene there's no home base there's nothing that you come back to yeah that's interesting This is like, I parked next to Katie.
Get out of the car. Good morning, Katie.

Yeah.

All right, that's interesting. This is like I park next to Katie.
Get out of the car. Good morning, Katie.
Yeah. Let's go over here.
Do you ever run into somebody that's like, oh, you're a comedian? I don't like comedy. I'm not a fan of jokes.
Like someone that hates to laugh. Do those people exist? I was just talking to Aaron who did my hair and makeup as you can tell this morning.
Looks great. We were talking about, I was watching Jack Reacher.
Did you watch Jack Reacher? No. I never watched it, no.
There's a series called Jack Reacher. I'm familiar with the vibe of the show.
Yes. What's that? You liked it? Kate liked it.
I really liked it, too. I just like impervious men who are never wrong.
That is the guy fantasy. Sherlock Holmes was the same thing.
It's like, I noticed you're wearing a hat with a W on it. And I'm always right.
Yep. We did a sketch about that on the guy fantasy it's sherlock holmes was the same thing it's like i noticed you're wearing a hat with a w on it and i'm always right yep we did a sketch about that on the pete holmes show making fun of sherlock holmes where it's like like he notices somebody uh he must be an alcoholic because the base of his phone has scratches when he's looking for the to plug his phone in at night and but in ours we had matt mccarthy playing watson and he's like no no i it's just those are little holes it's hard to get the plug that never happens in jack reacher he's always right like this type of grass only grows here and it's like that's why the killer is you right it's never like no that's that's fake grass right like you're wrong but but men in particular like stuff like that but here's to go back to point, Jack Reacher doesn't dance.
Tough guys never dance. And tough guys often don't like laughing.
They don't like comedy. And I think both of those are related.
Dancing. It's like, am I a cock for letting another man make me laugh? Right.
You nailed it. I thought you said cock, but you said cock.
Cock, yeah. Fellas, is it gay to laugh at another man's jokes? Buddy, I really think something powerful subconscious is going on.
Let's start with dancing, right? You don't want to dance because that's surrender to music. You decide how you move.
Right. And then someone's like, come on, baby.
Music takes over. And you're like, yeah.
And you merge. I'm not saying, I'm saying feminine energy.
Men and women have it. But feminine energy can be more merging, more open, more flow.
Right? So that's more okay for women to dance. And tough guys don't dance.
I actually think this is, I would have loved it if Jack Reacher danced. If he was out there kicking ass, being decisive, always right, and he was just like, of course.
Like, are you fucking? What is wrong with this? Yeah, the song rules. This is my jam.
Back to laughing. It's the same thing.
If I'm doing comedy and there's someone in the front row with their arms crossed and they're daring me to invade them. It's an alpha right there.
It's always a guy. It's almost always a guy.
I've seen some women do it. And typically, women can be nightmares at comedy shows for different reasons, but typically women are, maybe it's conditioned, maybe it's a cultural thing, but they tend to be more okay with giving the control of their consciousness.
Right now, this show is invading consciousness. our thoughts are now your thoughts right yeah we don't think of it that way but like think of the lone guy like jack reacher is not driving around listening to podcasts right you know what i mean he's not and he's not going to comedy shows and laughing his ass off and he's not dancing but i i wish we could not just masculinity but for everybody specifically Because I'm a man i know that burden i'd love to see more models of like why is it weak to laugh your ass off it's some funny shit like why is it more masculine to not laugh and then steal that guy's joke now now you're now i'm flying the plane you know what i mean it's like fuck off it's like let's enjoy each other did we learn anything from this pandemic no no one learned anything that is a fact that is an absolute fact like maybe in like sweden no chance do we learn anything people are just like that everything that we said we were going to do and you know the first month.
It's like New Year's resolutions? Yeah, pretty much. I was going to say, be nicer to each other.
Let's be nicer. Okay.
And we're all in it together. Yeah.
No, we're not. That lasted for about two weeks.
Two weeks. Now it's selfish.
Now we actually did learn how to hate each other more easily. Yes.
We've gotten much better at being- Well, it is a great luxury to be able to be dismissive and judgmental of your friends and neighbors. It's great, isn't it? Yeah.
It's wonderful. And now that we have it back, yeah.
You know what's going to bring it back? What's going to bring back kindness is the three-camera sitcom. Yes.
Well, okay. So the home base isn't just for me.
It's for everybody. That's what I realized watching multicams is you're not just watching watching ted lasso i know that's not a multi-cam but you're visiting the locker room right and on cheers you're visiting the bar and on this we have our bowling alley and we have tom's house tom's mom's house these are places like the human i don't mean we're dumb in a bad way i mean let's take advantage of the fact that you see it and you kind of start to believe it so you got to be careful with that if all you're watching is like dark shit kind of i'm not saying don't do that i'm just saying you'll notice that you kind of start feeling a little vincent price you know right and when you watch shows like how we roll thursday nights 9 30 after ghosts you start to get some of that warmth rubs off on you and again just, just to restate it, it's like a funny show, but it's also about people coming together.
My joke is, it's not even a joke. It's how we roll.
It's not how I roll. It's about a family.
And I feel like we need that right now. You're right about what you watch and how it affects you.
Like if you watch enough episodes of Sopranos, you're more likely to get into a fight over a parking spot or something.

Start yelling at people.

That scene where the couple is fighting on the street,

and they come out, and the guy's not a mobster.

He's kind of connected.

And you go, are you okay, to the girl.

And then he kills the guy.

You're like, oh, no.

We're so impressionable.

I'm now less likely. I'm not saying I wouldn't but you you'd have a hesitancy because you'd be like the world's fucking insane i saw it yeah right someone might kill me you didn't see it yeah you did not did see it right that's why man talk about these are the dreams we have together when you have a dream like i've I've noticed if I have a sex dream, I'm horny all day.

That's how we are.

If we are kind, I used to think it was stupid that would say like, have a good weekend.

Hey, have a good weekend.

Right.

That's a nice sweatshirt.

Right.

I mean it.

That's a nice sweatshirt.

This shit matters.

You trying to fuck me?

Ah!

The fact that you think that I'm like a cool guy that would try to fuck.

Like what we say to each other really matters.

Yes.

Words matter. They're like little spells.
If I say those are sunglasses which they are those are cool or you seem nice you're good at your job let's fuck yeah you guys both took it right that's what we do on this show that's what you're trying to do no you're right though words do matter um just say you want to take your pants off you guys both ruined my my ted talk'm sorry. That was a beautiful TED talk.
What's great is everyone knows where I was going. What we put in comes out.
But yes, I think after this we'll all have sex. All right.
So Thursday, 930, how we roll. Last question.
930, yes. It's the rowback question.
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I have a bone to pick with you with something I heard you say recently and this will be the last question. Yeah, own to pick you said that uh if ice if you live forever ice cream wouldn't taste as good yeah and i think that's totally wrong well neither of us can try neither of us can give that a whirl that made no sense when you said it because i do love listening to you because you do actually have like some really profound thoughts and then when you said that i was like wait shut up pete that's stupid that is like ice cream would still be awesome i agree with you first of all i know what i'm trying to say i'm exaggerating a little bit to make a point i'm trying to embrace that i don't think in my spiritual worldview that the the clock on the game that might be a better metaphor meaning that we die imbues this moment fuck ice cream this moment the fact that we know that that we're a room full of flowers we like to think that we're that we're all jack reachers but we're flowers we're delicate and we're only here for a time imbues this moment with a richness that wouldn't be there if i was like i live forever i'll be back 20 times guys this could be it okay, all right.
The way you're putting it there, I think it was just specifically the ice cream part. I was like, god damn it.
Here's where I'm wrong. And this is good.
This is what I'm talking about. I'm letting the music manipulate me.
I'm letting your opinion. You're right.
Ice cream would always taste great. I just, when you overdo it, there's something about the way that the universe works that feeling good all the time doesn't work yeah have you ever noticed that yes like heroin has dire consequences like if the point was to feel good all the time these things would be great life hacks and would be like all right just get me an iv drip of heroin and we'll just roll around like holding it yeah it's not how it is it's supposed to be this and death is part of that and and one of the reasons is because this is a sports place, a basketball game without a clock is absolutely joyless.
Right. And in the same way, I love that you brought it up because it brought me, it put the needle on the record for me.
Everything's a little clearer. Everything's a little bit more urgent and vivid because I remember Pete, stop.
You think you're doing press? I'm going to do this. I'm going to go over show it's just this and it could just be this yeah it could just be this that's a good happy when you're happy you're sad when you're sad and that's how you feel the most happy overall yeah well you need well that's another idea you need the contrasting energy when when you're down that is what makes up up but we want just one side of the coin yeah no you don't it's like when you get sick and you you said you had it mild for covid but like when you get sick when you get the flu or something happens to you you you appreciate the health a lot more and you and and how we are at least how i am you feel like you'll never be well again right and then when you are just like you were saying about the quarantine you immediately forget that you were ever sick yes and you just go around i'm invincible yeah getting ice cream tastes like shit because i'm never gonna die yes i'm trying to i'm trying to say something the stakes of death are what give life more value and i would say yep make ice cream a little bit more delicious because ice cream is this sort of indulgent it's not healthy but you know you know you're taking a little bit and it means more that you know it might be your last.
All right. I'm on board now.
Pete, this has been great. It's great to see you.
My pleasure. Thank you.
And everyone go watch the new show. Yeah.
Thanks for letting me get the word out. How We Roll.
On CBS Thursday nights and you can rewatch it on Paramount. Paramount Plus.
It's the mountain one. Yes.
The one with the mountain. It looks like Coors Light.
The one with Yellowstone, right? Yeah, Yellowstone. I believe for copyright reasons we can't say that, but yes, Paramount.
Okay, got it. Pete Holmes was brought to you by TaylorMade.
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Have you taken it for a spin yet? I have taken it to the simulator. I got to take it out to the course.
How'd it hit? Hit hard. Hit hard, hit straight.
Hell yes. Fast swing.
Notably fast swing. Big sweet spot on it.
Hank's raving about it. You will too.
You should get some clubs, BFT. I should.
I should get some clubs. What if I just if i just decide like you know what i think if i practice hard enough i can become a professional golfer you think i could do it yes i think you could do anything you set your mind to thanks hank how many strokes behind do you think you are 50 just 50 got exactly 50 strokes now through may 10th go to taylormadegolf.com slash barstool sweeps to enter and celebrate the season's first major and the unofficial start to the golf season.
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Thank you, Hank. Hell yes.
All right, FireFest of the Week. Hank, how was your week? My week was okay.
Yeah? Busy week. It was a good week.
Good week. A lot of meetings.
Productive. A lot of meetings.
Just racking up hours in the meeting room. Nothing bad happened? Clocking in, clocking out.
No, I don't think so. Well, it's Friday today, so you're going to go home.
You're going to kick your feet up on the couch. You can probably take your tie off, have a nice one cold beer, and fall asleep.
Nothing bad happened this week? Okay. Cool.
You've already forgotten it. That's fine.
Wait, I don't even know. I mean, we literally have the best chip over Hank's head for the rest of our lives because we retired his coach.
Oh, I forgot about that. That was this week.
That was Saturday. No, that was this week.
We talked about that on Sunday. That was this week.
I'm trying to move on. I will say, I was just talking about it to Rudy on camera, and I said it.
We talked about it on Sunday, and it said into me instantly the second we left the stadium. But there is a big difference between your team losing.
There's the stages of grief. It's maybe a few days, and then you move on, and then it's like, all right, we got next year.
We got the future. We got everything going.
This loss was different because for the rest of time, whenever I'm happy,

whenever anything goes good in my life, whenever I'm feeling good

or like something, you know, Patriots, Celtics, whatever it may be,

I just know that this guy to my right, Daniel Katz,

is going to just at any chance he gets be like,

hey, remember when we killed Coach K in the Final Four

and UNC beat Duke in their last two games?

And it's just going to bring me down.

So that set it instantly, and every time I think about it, it's a downer.

Right now, here and now, Henry, someday when you decide to get married

to some fine woman, I will make sure that my gift is a commemorative,

like framed plaque of that game.

That's very nice.

Guaranteed.

Maybe signed by Coach K and Mickey Krzyzewski.

And then I do also, I'm just moving apartments

because I feel like my firefests are,

yeah, my apartment doesn't have AC again.

Huh?

You can buy an AC, like a window unit.

My window doesn't really have that type of window. You don't have the capabilities to install high up.
No, I just, it's not like a, it's a, it's a long window. You're talking about a door.
You got, you got a, you got a sliding door. I don't have a normal square window.
It's not like floor to ceiling either. It's just probably like, you know, skinny, like maybe, maybe four feet in length.
I'm on the third floor so yeah penthouse no there's six floors i'm in the middle what's the plan here you're gonna move again i'm gonna move jersey city it's been real but it's just not wow is this so oh so you're no different than shaheen holloway yeah no jesus christ so you get a little bit of success and then you're out the the door. Now, Hank, the sliding door thing that you have,

I used to sell portable air conditioners.

I can set you up with one that might fit that door.

How many square feet is the room?

I don't fucking know.

Probably nearly 14,000 BTUs.

Definitely not.

I think my apartment's like 600 square feet total.

Is this because now that you're corporate,

you can't be seen in Jersey City?

No, it's nothing wrong with Jersey City. It's my building.
It's my building. Are you sure? I'm positive.
Are you moving to Westchester? I'm not. I'm going to stay in Jersey somewhere.
Corporate Hank's going to Greenwich, Connecticut. Moving to Trump Tower.
But the other thing, you guys know, I love the summer. Summer's my time of year.
I love living on the ocean. Big fan of boats.
And Blake Bortles recently got cut from, or he chose to leave. Is that what we're going with? No, that's actually what happened.
He said, you know what? I'm going to spread my wings elsewhere. So the Saints signed Andy Dalton and Blake decided to leave.
And Addison Rae, who's just a content creator, great Twitter personality, has really interesting tweets. You should follow her.
Does she have any other jobs? She's a TikToker. She's a brand whatever representative.
She's a movie star. She's all that.
She's a journalist. She was all that.
She was a journalist for UFC. Yep.
So more accomplished than you, PFT. I don't know what that type of comment was.
Oh, wow. But she tweeted, and I saw it on my timeline.
It just said, we need to appreciate boats more. And coming from a dual action boat appreciator, both Blake Bortles and just- You're buying a boat? Aquatic.
I'm not buying a boat. This is a very long way of Hank explaining that he's not horny.
And PFT bonked me and publicly tweeted and was like, oh, I'm bonking you for liking a tweet. And that was just too much.

From the guy that's constantly saying that I don't jack off and memes is like coming at me for being too horny.

I don't know why I was catching those straights.

I don't think I'm constantly saying that.

I think I said it one time off camera in a private moment.

It was on PMTV.

It was on PMTV.

It was on PMTV.

It was on PMTV.

He said, I'm not horny.

It was on PMTV. Now, Hank has successfully steered this conversation towards me.
Where's the Fyre Fest? I'm just out here trying to appreciate boats, and I'm getting bonked. Hank is just delivering a monologue saying that he's not horny.
What does that have to do with you moving? Well, I didn't want to make my Fyre Fest every week about my apartment sucking, so I didn't do that. Oh.
I didn't mention that. I chose my other Fyre Fest, which is PFT's bonking me.
Got it. Got it.
Okay. Side note, I do hate my apartment, and I'm moving.
Yeah. Okay.
That's not my Fyre Fest. I don't want to just be an apartment complainer.
No. Yeah, no.
No, those people suck. Yeah.
All right, PFT, what's your Fyre Fest? Well, my apartmented up my rent, so I'm moving back inside the official lease, although I did negotiate them down $100 a month just for the record. But no, my real fire fest is that my body is now fully recovered from New Orleans.
Mine isn't. But it's not yet.
I'm of the mindset that you know how underwater divers, when they on places to like weld super far beneath the ocean surface, they come back up to, to surface and they spend like three days and a decompression chamber before they go out into the real world or else their, their body like literally explodes. There needs to be a city that's maybe adjacent to new Orleans that you go to, to ease yourself back into the real world.
Well, I was saying, because my fire press is that I just have not recovered, and my body is in shambles, and I have no bounce back whatsoever anymore. But I was thinking that we need to have legalized, like, you can be put into a coma for a few days.
Because then I won't eat. Inception.
Yeah, put me in a coma. I won't eat.
I'll get some sleep. I'll wake up, and I'll be like, maybe even get that when someone gets in a really bad tackle and they cool their core.
Cool my core down. Put me in a refrigerator for an entire week, and then let me come out of that and be like, all right, you've lost 15 quick pounds.
You slept for a week. You're ready to go.
So, yeah, I agree. I just think that there should be one location that's known as this like in between reintroducing you to society place.
Maybe that spot in Arizona where they keep all the frozen heads, Ted Williams head. Yeah.
Maybe knocked over. Yeah.
Maybe they have just like a JV version of the cryo chambers where they temporarily freeze you they're just like four days that um that like reintroduction into society is so hard on wednesday i woke up felt like shit still feel like shit but like i had that momentary thought i was walking my son to school and i was like man you know what'd be great is if i could just crack a beer on the street here and just stand on the street. Like, we were doing that on Sunday night.
We were just standing in the street drinking beers. And it was like, and just talking with guys.
It was just like, we're just hanging out. It was like, this is awesome.
We were starting to use the word y'all. Yeah, just drinking in the street.
We were just like getting really into New Orleans. Yeah, it was just like.
Just the vibe of it. Maybe we just, it's that feeling you have after a bachelor party when, like like the Monday or Tuesday and you get that little lull, the depression where you're like, well, it'd be so sick if we just if I just could live with all my best friends.
And like you realize that's not real life, but you have that moment where you just want to go back. And yeah, I've been struggling with that all week.
And also, I feel like a sausage that needs to be popped. So can I give you some advice about what's worked for me is and this usually works for hangovers in general jerk it off well no i don't do that uh spicy soup spicy soup and yes i will prescribe soup for anything but spicy soup it makes you sweat and whenever i sweat anything when i'm feeling bad i know it's not medically true but i feel like everything that I'm sweating out is all the stuff inside me

that's making me feel bad in the first place

put leeches on too

it would work for me normally

but specifically for New Orleans

the thing I'm struggling with so much

is that I just took in so much salt

that I just need to

like I was at the end of that trip

we went out to dinner on that Monday night

and I was eating gumbo like it was a glass of water

it wasn't even

I didn't even order gumbo as like part of the meal

It was... that trip i was we went out to dinner on that monday night and i was i was eating gumbo like it was a glass of water it wasn't even i didn't even order gumbo as like part of the meal it was more just like oh i'm gonna eat the gumbo and then i'll start the meal no god yeah gumbo was the table's entire like pre-appetizer it was yeah it was like it was it was it wasn't even it wasn't even like bread it was like bread sticks you know when they drop off bread sticks and it's like one sliver of a breadstick that does nothing for you? That's what gumbo was.
I couldn't even get high off gumbo. Fortunately for us, we live in the best gumbo city in America.
That's true. New York City and Manhattan specifically.
Jersey City. Jersey City's gumbo is a little too spicy for me.
Yeah. I like the New York City gumbo.
I actually posted a picture of just, I don't know if you saw it, but last night I said it was going through gumbo withdrawals.

So I posted a picture of the shittiest looking like clear water

and boiled chicken and

rotini noodles. And I was like, made my own rue tonight.

How does it look? The entire city of New Orleans

got triggered by it.

I'll put the banjo in next time. But yeah,

I think as a podcast.

You love trolling food, Twitter. I do.
It's the best.

We're all like finally approaching

normal on this podcast.

I feel like Monday

I'm going to be? I'm at 65%. It's going to be the master's nap this weekend.
It's a great couch weekend. Yeah, no, it is.
I'm very excited to hang out with my family and just chill. But yeah, no, I'm 65%.
Tuesday I was like five. wednesday i was maybe like 25 so i've had a nice bounce back but i'm not there i got another group fire fest for us we all followed an anonymous hot tip and put money on siwoo kim because we were told that he was he should be the odds-on favorite to win the masters one of the dumbest messages ever sent the guy said his number says that Siwoo Kim should actually be minus 140.

I pointed out that Peak Tiger,

the greatest golfer of all time,

at his absolute best was like plus 200

to win major tournaments.

And he's got Siwoo Kim at minus 140 in his calculation.

He's not going to make the cut.

Siwoo Kim's like four over right now.

Yeah, he's not going to make the cut.

So I looked him up this morning because I wanted to find out more about him before I drove over to New Jersey to place the bet. This is a guy that I was very excited to root for.
Number one, they call him the sole streaker because he's from Seoul, South Korea. Yep.
So last year at the Masters, he finished tied for 12th, but he did that without a putter on the back nine because he got so mad that he snapped his putter and threw it away. This is a guy that I was born to root for.
It turns out he stinks. Yeah.
Oh, well. Oh, well.
Good tip. Got to take it.
Billy, what's your fire fest? So I took the brick of cash to the bank yesterday, and they were counting it all out, and it came out to $2,049. So you lost a dollar? I don't know where the dollar went.
The system has a hole in it. I feel bad for you.
So then I was like, I had to give a dollar from my pocket. Oh no.
Which isn't that bad, but it was like crazy. I was like, where the hell did that one dollar go? Wait, you had a dollar on it? I thought you didn't like cash.
Wait, you had a dollar on you? That was probably the dollar. You were wondering where the dollar went? Well, the dollar.
I think we got to the bottom of this case. No, but the dollar was in my wallet.
Right. The brick of cash was a brick of cash.
Uh-huh. Right.
Anyway, so I don't know where that dollar went. And my knees are shot.
They just hurt. No, Billy, you don't get to do that.
You're still too young. My knees hurt.
No, you don't get to do that. And you weren't in New Orleans.
Yeah, and you weren't in New Orleans. You don't get to do that.
My knees. I hate to be the guy who's like, you're not old, but you're not.
Then why do my knees hurt? Because it's raining. True.
That's always how it goes. Tore him a couple times.
You probably haven't been squatting recently either. No, I haven't.
That's what it is. I don't think you have.
You hear how defensive you got right there? Because I've been squatting. I don't know it sounds like captain me.
You're good Billy. You're still fucking peak athlete.
How old are you 24? 23 just turned yosh You got you got your prime in front of you your body's got like four more cycles to go through before Your joints actually start her. No seriously peak athleticism is like what 27 28.
I was out there We're talking about that the other day i think 27 yeah is when i can say i peaked athletically yeah so you're good billy uh jake finish this off very low peak yeah my fire fest actually involves you guys uh so last week we got hogs for the cause down in new orleans we're enjoying did we leave you there no oh no uh i could have you could have totally said like you guys just left without me and i'm like whoops yeah it was a mess there yeah a good mess no it was a lot of fun great cause uh and we were drinking some margaritas responsibly and pft and a bunch of others just oh yeah started telling me that there was THC in it. And I started freaking out.
I'm like, wow, it's the night before the Final Four, and I'm just going to be paranoid and panicking the rest of the night. You're going to be so hungover for the games.
Not even hungover, just like, damn, this is the night before the Final Four. I'm going to be just bugging out, sitting in the hotel room, can't do anything.
You need to have mental clarity. What if you don't get unhigh? Right.
Like tip-off happens and it's like, the ball's tipped and it won't come down. Like, I don't know.
Yeah, but it was like 20 minutes of panicking until I found out you guys were just busting my balls. It was a good prank.
It was a good prank. We got everybody involved.
I wouldn't have done that to you. I appreciate it.
Yeah. Hank and Liam and PFT were part of this.
No, I would have said it was heroin. It was great though because Jake was like, he was asking me all these questions like, how is my body going to handle this? What should I be prepared for? I guess somebody told him I had experience in that for some reason.
And so I was like walking him through and he was like, I'm just going to have to like sit down and just like stare straight ahead

and just try to keep it together for the next couple hours.

I was like, Jake, you can do it.

Let me know if you need it.

Plus like we were there representing the company.

I didn't want to like, I actually heard through the grapevine you were fucked up.

Yeah.

Wasted.

Responsibly.

Yeah.

So, I mean, Dave was saying on the live stream, he's like, I like Jake,

but like every time I see him, that kid's just messed up. So we can't have him on live streams because he'll just say whatever.
Do you, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, he's like, I like Jake, but like every time I see him, that kid's just messed up.

So we can't have him on live streams because he'll just say whatever.

Yeah.

He said to me, he pulled me aside and he was like, when I say we're going to take Barstool

to the moon, why does Jake take that literally every day?

I was like, I don't know.

Yeah.

But it was a good prank.

Worked out.

Yep.

Here we are.

Yeah.

Love it.

It was fun. It was all good fun, Jake.
Yeah, all good. All right.
Numbers. And good luck this weekend on all your Masters bets and whatnot.
I'm going to take 67. 67.
25. 22.
In honor of par for Bryson. The usual.
You have to say it for it count. You can't because it's a played out joke, so you have to keep doing it.
I know. Yeah, you can't be like the usual.
I'm going to make you say 69 every time. It's been three years.
Two years. You have not.
Oh, you got it once. Yeah.
I got it three times. He kept it in his barn for seven months.

No. 86.
Oh, my God. 86.
Love you guys. All right, we'll see everyone Monday.
Dingoes are descendants of domesticated dogs brought by Aboriginal peoples. Love you guys.
I'll be coming for your love. Okay.
Okay. I'll be coming for you.
Lover. Keep it on me.
Take on me, take me on

I'll be gone into your teeth

Shy away, I'll be coming for your lover's teeth

Shy away, I'll be coming for your lover's teeth

I'll be coming for your lover's teeth Bye. Take me on I'll be gone Little too The things that you say Is it a lot of fun? Display my my worries away.
You are the things I've got to imagine. You shine away.
I'll be coming for you anyway. I'll be coming for you anyway.
Take on me. Take me on.
I'll be gone In a day I'll be gone I'll be gone.

I'll be gone. I'll be gone.
Thank you.