Tom Segura, Pete Holmes, Tiger Is Back And Baseball World Series Picks

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Speaker 1 On today's part of my take, we got a twofer for the people. Little something different.

Speaker 1 Two very funny comedians in studio. Tom Segura first, and then we have Pete Holmes after Tom.

Speaker 1 Two great interviews. We're also going to talk about the Masters opening day, Fire Fest of the Week.
All of it is ready for you on a great Friday.

Speaker 6 And before we get to all that, when Cool Creamy Ranch meets tangy, bold Buffalo, the whole is greater than the sum of its sauce.

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Speaker 2 And participating, McDonald's.

Speaker 2 Oh no, we're gonna rock it down to electric avenue.

Speaker 2 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 2 It's part of my take presented by Marcius Sports.

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Speaker 1 Today is Friday, April 8th, and Tiger Woods is officially back.

Speaker 2 He looks awesome today, too. Now, I think he's what, like four shots back at the lead.
Who cares? Who cares?

Speaker 2 He's in that perfect position where when he's tied for like 10th or 11th place, they still show his name on the leaderboard as being the first person in the group of like 40 guys that's one under.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So he's in and around the leaderboard.
The pink shirt that he's wearing right now, the mock turtleneck short sleeve, tight shirt, people are going nuts over.

Speaker 2 And you're going to see a lot of guys that try to pull off this look that Tiger's got right now. And it's only Tiger that can pull this off.

Speaker 2 If you or I showed up, it would would look like we got like a big tube of cookie dough that got left out in the sun for three days.

Speaker 1 Spilling out of it would be the word I would use. But yeah, no, it's Tiger Woods.
Even if you're not, like,

Speaker 1 I've had conflicting feelings of Tiger Woods over the years, but once he's out there playing at Augusta, you get swept up. Like, immediately, you become a huge Tiger Woods fans.

Speaker 1 He is probably one of the only athletes who has that ability to do to any person who casually likes golf, die-hard golf fan, anyone.

Speaker 1 You see Tiger, he's making incredible shots, he's back in the mix, and all feels right with the world.

Speaker 2 So people were saying earlier today that there's a lot of like Tiger haters out there, people that root against Tiger Woods.

Speaker 2 I don't really think that there's that many people that root against Tiger Woods. I think that when he gets out there, like you said, and he plays, everyone really hopes he wins.

Speaker 2 There are some people that, you know, maybe hoped for a while when it was like Phil Mickelson or Sergio Garcia that were starting to be like the big competitors of Tiger.

Speaker 2 We were rooting for all those guys just because we hoped it would make Tiger Woods play better so that we could root for him harder.

Speaker 1 I think it's also he's in that,

Speaker 1 I don't want to say twilight of his career because who the fuck knows with Tiger Woods? I mean,

Speaker 1 he's amazing. Every time he's like on, it's just a joy to watch.
But let's call it the twilight of his career.

Speaker 1 I think there's something different that happens in the twilight of your career when you're an all-time great where people are going to appreciate you, like how we appreciate LeBron on this podcast.

Speaker 1 Like that happens.

Speaker 2 It's amazing what he's done. Like, the fact that he's been in the league for 20 years, made the playoffs so many times, played in the Olympics so many times,

Speaker 2 and he's still out there willing his team to almost victories night after night.

Speaker 1 As a quick sidebar on LeBron, I tweeted that picture of him with the tweet that he tweeted.

Speaker 1 And people got really upset at me.

Speaker 2 You were doing LeBron a favor.

Speaker 1 And I was like, wait. I'm just posting his tweet that he told me to keep the same energy about.
It was very bizarre. Like, I wasn't saying anything pointed.

Speaker 1 Obviously, I'm not a LeBron fan, but man, the LeBron stands came out fast. They were very, I think it was maybe just because

Speaker 1 the Lakers lost, what was it, Wednesday night, Tuesday night, late Tuesday night to officially be out of the playoffs. And all the LeBron fans and Lakers fans.

Speaker 1 No, Hank, no, I'm sorry. They're not

Speaker 1 even in the players. They're not even in 10 teams that make the playoffs.

Speaker 2 Even though the Lakers are 30 and 24 this year.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, no, I'm sorry. Wow.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 It was.

Speaker 8 Wow, I didn't even realize that.

Speaker 1 I think all the LeBron fans woke up the next day on Wednesday and being like, we have to defend this man to the ends of earth, which I respect.

Speaker 1 I always respect going to bat for your guys, but I just, all I did was repost his tweet.

Speaker 2 Well, we're also respecting his wishes. This was a request from past LeBron

Speaker 2 to hold future LeBron accountable for past LeBron's words. And we respect past LeBron almost as much as future LeBron, so our hands were tied.
We had to do it.

Speaker 1 I'll say something nice about LeBron.

Speaker 1 He has waited till the perfect time to miss the playoffs because this, you know, like if he missed the playoff, let's say six years ago, there would be a hole in the playoffs.

Speaker 1 Like, oh, man, it sucks that LeBron. I'm excited about the NBA playoffs with or without LeBron because there's so many good young players and so many great young teams that, good job, LeBron.

Speaker 1 You waited until the league was in great hands and then you bowed out.

Speaker 2 Much like Bruce Arians, LeBron decided that now was the time to step away from the game and put the spotlight on some up-and-coming players that might not be able to get that much attention if LeBron was still around dominating the conversation.

Speaker 2 I'm also excited to see which teams LeBron snuggles up to as the playoffs proceed.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's already once he started.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know, because he's going after Steph Curry. He's like, man, it'd be a dream to play with that guy.

Speaker 2 It's going to be fun to see which teams, well, just spoiler, it's going to be the teams that win. Yep, that LeBron's gonna be like, Man, imagine, imagine if I was on that team.

Speaker 1 I'll just call my shot right now.

Speaker 1 He's gonna become the biggest John Morant fan, baby Braun, because you know, John Morant will do something insane in the playoffs, and he'd be like, Holy shit, this guy, I'd love to play with him.

Speaker 1 Can we get him traded to the Lakers? It would be funny, though, if LeBron, the clip of LeBron saying he wanted to be on, play with Steph and Steph reacting to it.

Speaker 1 It'd be funny if LeBron went to the Warriors because we found out, oh, there we go. Cubs just hit the first home run of the season.

Speaker 1 It would be funny to watch LeBron be second fiddle to Steph because that's what happens. In Golden State, Steph is the man.

Speaker 1 We saw it with Kevin Durant, who is, you know, a better basketball player than Steph. But guess what? It's Steph's team.
So I would like that.

Speaker 2 What if LeBron went to the Nets?

Speaker 1 That would be funny, too. That would be very funny.
I think wherever he goes next.

Speaker 2 I think if LeBron, if he's mature enough, he can decide to go to the Nets, swallow his pride, come off the bench, be like the sixth guy, get out there and provide a spark.

Speaker 2 If LeBron does that, I would actually respect him. Now, there's no chance in hell I think that he would ever do that.

Speaker 1 That was a sidebar, LeBron. We kind of got away from ourselves.
Bastards. The Tigers back.
It feels good. Now, we are being positive about Max Homa.

Speaker 2 I thought he had the most fun of anybody out there today.

Speaker 1 Well, I was going to say I'm positively pissed off that he bogey 18. Okay.

Speaker 1 You fucking bum.

Speaker 2 I thought Max did okay. He had a smile on his face the entire time.

Speaker 2 He was behind the eight ball ball coming out there today after what happened to him at the par three contest, where he had a pin in one, which many people are saying is more difficult to pull off than a hole in one.

Speaker 2 He hit the pin, but because dude perfect and Bryson DeChambo went out there and stomped all over God's creation and ruined some of the undulations in the green, he didn't actually get the hole in one.

Speaker 2 So he's probably feeling a little pissed off that he didn't get credited with that, but he's still in it. Max is still in it.
Striking it.

Speaker 1 He's still in it. We're still

Speaker 1 in update, by the way, for the spreadsheet, we decided we put it all on all $50 of winnings and also the initial investment of $2,000 on Max to be top 30 in the tournament.

Speaker 1 Now, Billy wanted to do just a hand to blackjack. This actually is,

Speaker 1 I had one year where I lived very close to Wrigley and we like sold, we had a parking spot and we sold parking for Wrigley and me and my roommates put all the money on a week one bet and we just lost it all.

Speaker 1 So it was like, oh, we did all that for nothing. This kind of feels like it could be similar where it's like we

Speaker 1 pumped ourselves up and it's a big group bet and we're all saying we and then Max is not even going to make the cut. I'm staying positive.
But Billy, how are you feeling?

Speaker 2 I had a thought last night.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 9 I had a thought and I was like, what if I just kept the money and just didn't put a bet?

Speaker 1 in

Speaker 10 it was a thought fleeting it fled

Speaker 9 and I put the bet in but we'd still have the money.

Speaker 2 Did you? Now, did that thought occur to you as long ago as before the NCAA tournament? It would have been way easier for you to just not put any of that money in.

Speaker 1 And just give us 50 bucks.

Speaker 2 You seriously could have just lied to us the entire time and put up fake spreadsheets like accounting fraud and been like, okay, here's where we're at.

Speaker 2 And then just given us $2,050 back, and we'd be very happy.

Speaker 1 Billy Madoff.

Speaker 9 That would have actually been so much easier than what I did. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just fakes a bunch of returns.

Speaker 2 That's the last time you'll ever work hard. Exactly.

Speaker 1 Billy just realized what a Ponzi scheme is.

Speaker 2 But I do think, though, that Brooks is in a good position going out there later on in the day once the course has softened up a little bit. Yeah.
His fresh legs getting out there.

Speaker 2 I think that it's nice for him that Bryson. Bryson's really the big story.
We should have let off with Bryson DeCambo today.

Speaker 7 Shot four over par.

Speaker 1 He's three over now. Three over par.

Speaker 2 Well, no, that would be eight over par because he says it's a 67. 67.
Par 67. Bryson's absolutely shitting himself out there on the course day.

Speaker 2 So I'm just going to guess conservatively that Brooks goes 200 par today.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 200 par. 200 par.

Speaker 2 Wait, 67?

Speaker 1 200 of the normal person. Okay,

Speaker 2 not the steroid par.

Speaker 1 That would be awesome if he went 65. Well, I went every 60.

Speaker 2 I'll be pleasantly surprised if that happens.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so the Masters, I mean,

Speaker 1 this probably has never happened before. We're the Masters and opening days, same day.

Speaker 1 Great sports day. We needed one after it had been almost three days since we had a major event.

Speaker 2 This really is the perfect sports day for dads.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'll bet you that there's some dads out there that took today off, mowed the lawn in the morning, then came in and watched the Masters in baseball all day.

Speaker 1 Had a hot dog, had a beer. Baseball is back.
Do we want to do our World Series predictions? We never did that. We should do it.
Baseball is back.

Speaker 1 I'll say,

Speaker 1 oh, man.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of teams out there, baby.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of teams.

Speaker 1 The Dodgers feel like they should be good again.

Speaker 2 The Dodgers will be good again.

Speaker 1 It's going to take me a few weeks to get into baseball.

Speaker 8 They're the NL team with the most consecutive playoff appearances.

Speaker 2 That's a fun fact.

Speaker 1 The Dodgers versus the Mariners. Dodgers win.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go.

Speaker 1 You like that? Mariners haven't made the playoffs in 20 years. I'm going to go

Speaker 2 Phillies in the World Series.

Speaker 1 Oh, I like that shit. I forgot about the Phillies.

Speaker 2 I like the Phillies.

Speaker 8 I'm a NL team that hasn't made short playoffs in the longest amount of time.

Speaker 1 Yep, which is crazy. Man, Hank.
That's a long series.

Speaker 2 Fun fact on top of fun fact.

Speaker 8 Might have been dozen questions I was on recently.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, I like the Phillies a lot.

Speaker 2 They have the rating MVP, who's also on the Seam Head Express, I might add, Bryce Harper.

Speaker 1 And they have Cassianos. They've got

Speaker 1 Swarber. Yep.

Speaker 2 Good team. A lot of Sluggers.

Speaker 2 I'm just going all Sluggers this year. I think it's going to be the Phillies against the Padres in the World Series.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Well, that.

Speaker 2 Yep. Yeah, I'm aware.
Okay. I just think it's.
Those are the two best teams. Right.

Speaker 2 So they're going to face each other in the NLCS, and then the winner of that, I'm going to say, is the real World Series champion. But But no, out of the AL,

Speaker 1 you know what? A lot of teams. A lot of teams.

Speaker 2 I really think this is the year the Yankees get it done. A lot of teams.
I think it's going to be the Yankees.

Speaker 1 Here we go. The Astros.
The Astros. Hank, give us your World Series prediction.

Speaker 8 I'm thinking the Reds.

Speaker 1 Good rebuild. Good pick.
Good rebuild.

Speaker 8 They got a lot of assets.

Speaker 8 They got rid of the fat and they kept some of their better players.

Speaker 1 Tons of cap space.

Speaker 8 Tons of cap space, tons of potential. A lot of room for the prospects to really play to their potential.

Speaker 1 This is a great Major League Baseball player. There's no log jam.

Speaker 2 There's no log jam in the Reds' organization. If they get a good player, they can come right up.

Speaker 1 Yep. We will have someone, we'll have a guest on in the next week or so to talk MLB.
Maybe Dan Heron will be better. What about the Orioles, Hank? You want to do the Orioles?

Speaker 8 I was actually thinking the Orioles.

Speaker 1 People are mad about that wall, though. They're mad about that left field wall.

Speaker 2 What's going on with the wall?

Speaker 1 They changed it. So they moved it out, I want to say.

Speaker 1 Jake, you can double-check. And they also raised it, which makes no sense.
I don't really understand.

Speaker 2 You know what that is?

Speaker 2 It's just literally literally the Orioles being like, our pitching is so bad that we have to change our, we have to build that wall to keep all the home runs contained within it. Let's go Tigers.

Speaker 1 Maybe also taking away some seats so that it's less capacity. I don't know.
Yeah, Javi Baez, Tigers. Miggy.
Can you find it, Jake, what exactly they did?

Speaker 11 The wall was raised from just over seven feet to 13 feet.

Speaker 1 And did they move it back?

Speaker 1 Libcat. Internet.

Speaker 1 Build that wall. You're anti-wall.
No, I'm pro this wall.

Speaker 2 But you're saying people are mad about the wall.

Speaker 1 People are mad about it. It is a big, beautiful wall.

Speaker 2 Like, no one's ever seen it.

Speaker 9 Gorgeous wall. Jake's fighting a paywall right now.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 No, I hate that wall.

Speaker 1 He's fighting through.

Speaker 2 Jake's hitting the back wall.

Speaker 1 Damn.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 1 back about 30 feet. 30 feet? That's crazy.

Speaker 2 That's a crazy change to the ballpark, especially.

Speaker 8 That'll make baseball more fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like, hey, what should we do? Less stingers? Well,

Speaker 2 they did make the bases bigger, which I'll be the first to admit. I'm looking at these bases.

Speaker 2 it's getting to me. I like it.

Speaker 1 They're huge.

Speaker 2 Big-ass bases.

Speaker 1 Is that bunk?

Speaker 1 I don't think so. I know.
I just like the current turned on by the bases.

Speaker 2 No, I just like that.

Speaker 2 Do I have to go to a stadium and fuck a base now?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think you might want to. I will.
I'll fuck a base. I'll put a question mark that stuff.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Does VFD want to fuck a base? I'll get to third base. There's more to hold on to now?

Speaker 12 I just lick the base.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. What were you going to say, Billy?

Speaker 9 Yankees, Braves.

Speaker 1 Oh, Yankees, Braves. Oh, back to the Braves.

Speaker 5 Yankees in six.

Speaker 2 Classic.

Speaker 1 Yankees in six. All right, then, Jake, why don't you finish us off with a nice workflow? Let's make sure we cover every team.

Speaker 11 White Sox.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Jake's taking this seriously. Well, I want to.
Yeah, you want to know. You want to be right.
I don't want to speak.

Speaker 1 New Orleans.

Speaker 2 Yeah, try to be right.

Speaker 11 All right. White Sox, Phillies.

Speaker 1 Okay. Get through Phillies.

Speaker 2 So I really do like the Phillies.

Speaker 2 I'm kind of joking about the Yankees because they're obviously going to win like 90s. Yankees.
And then they'll lose in the playoffs.

Speaker 2 But I like the Blue Jays too.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No one said Mets.

Speaker 8 I parlayed the Yankees and Mets team total unders.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 The Mets,

Speaker 2 not a great start. It is the most Mets thing of all time that before the first pitch of the first game, their two aces are both out with questionable shoulders.

Speaker 1 I think Scherzer's going to start game two, though. Oh, yeah.
That's good.

Speaker 8 New York City as a sports town is a joke.

Speaker 2 The entire time we've lived here, it's been a joke.

Speaker 1 It's been like that for like a decade.

Speaker 1 I think it was the first decade in the history of New York that no team won a championship.

Speaker 2 New York FC.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no one. I'm saying last decade.
It's Real Sports.

Speaker 2 And Real Sports. Memes remains.

Speaker 1 And they're the Red Bulls.

Speaker 2 No, there's two.

Speaker 1 They're the ones that play in Yankee Stadium with that, and they have that little banner that looked like a tablecloth.

Speaker 2 Now, Memes is very hopeful, though, that every free agent wide receiver that's becoming available is going to want to go to the Jets.

Speaker 1 Why wouldn't they?

Speaker 2 Keep dreaming. Keep dreaming.
Debo Samuel actually removed the logo of the 49ers from his Instagram bio today. So

Speaker 2 another this league.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It'd be funny if the Niners just removed his name from the website, just like going back at the player. Yeah.
All right, let's play it. Sit for Tat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, take away his locker.

Speaker 2 And then DK might be on the trading block as well.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know what's going on anymore in the NFL.
This league never sleeps, guys.

Speaker 1 No, it's crazy. Everyone wants to move everywhere.
And we, I mean, when's the draft? Coming up in a couple weeks?

Speaker 8 It's like two weeks? I feel like it's like April 17th to 19th.

Speaker 1 No, 20th or 30th. There we go.

Speaker 1 In Vegas?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 In Vegas. That's when we'll get back into it.
But yeah, this is, it was a nice, it's a nice sports day. The Masters, I'm excited.
We'll hopefully have our good friend Scott Van Pelt on on Monday.

Speaker 2 Talk about Tigers' win. Yep.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. Imagine if Tiger won.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to say, we are, I think we have the power to do this. If Tiger wins the Masters, you all don't have to work on Monday.

Speaker 2 Everyone that's listening to me right now, the day's off for all America. Congratulations.
Take a day to celebrate Tiger. Yes.
If it doesn't make the cut,

Speaker 2 you have to take a driver's ed glass.

Speaker 1 Well, Darren Revelle, I think, has to get in a cage with a tiger, which he'll fucking skate out of that one.

Speaker 1 Imagine if he actually had like a suicide bet for Tiger to win. Tiger would then become the most beloved athlete of all time.

Speaker 8 He would get in a cage, in a smaller cage inside a bigger cage, so you could say that technically

Speaker 8 he was in a cage with a tiger.

Speaker 1 Or the tiger will be so well fed that it will be sleeping.

Speaker 2 Maybe a dead tiger.

Speaker 2 Maybe he'll kill it or bore it to death by telling him lame anecdotes and then step into the cage.

Speaker 1 Showing all of his memorabilia. What do you say, Billy? You had that thought in your face.

Speaker 9 Well, maybe he just gets in a cage with Tiger Woods.

Speaker 1 I don't think Tiger Woods would be anywhere near him.

Speaker 2 Tiger would probably fuck him to death if they got into a cage together.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't want Tiger doesn't want anything to do with him.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Great Friday. I mean, it's a great sports weekend.
Great best nap of the year. Yep.
Saturday, Sunday.

Speaker 2 Would you say Saturday's nap's better or Sunday? I think Sunday is like tier one nap.

Speaker 1 I think Saturday is better just because Sunday you kind of have to pay attention if it's like heating up. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like if it's, if it's, if, if it's good and there's a few guys in contention, you don't really want a nap. That's more like a 10-minute nap.
Saturday, you can go like hour and a half.

Speaker 2 There's also the raise and pitch and cadence of Jim Nance's voice very slightly on Sunday because he's a little bit more excited.

Speaker 2 When he says, Imagine Dragons, it comes out a little bit, you know, more splash and pizzazz on it.

Speaker 1 Everything feels a little bit more tense,

Speaker 1 but I'm happy that August is back. All right, let's do our interviews.
We got Tom Segura first, then Pete Holmes second.

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Speaker 1 Okay, here he is, Tom Segura.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest. We've been circling it for a while.
Finally, here. That's our fault, by the way.
Please. It's Tom Segura.

Speaker 1 You can find him anywhere on, he's got a podcast, Your Mom's House. He does a podcast with Burt Kreischer.
He's on tour right now. Yep.
So you're coming everywhere, Tor, right?

Speaker 4 No, I'm coming everywhere.

Speaker 1 You're coming everywhere, Tor.

Speaker 1 I think we're going to run this next week after the national championship, but where are you stopping on the tour so we can get people to come out?

Speaker 4 It is an overwhelming, daunting schedule. So when you say, like, where are you going? I'm like, do you have time to list

Speaker 4 200 cities? I don't know.

Speaker 1 You're doing 200 cities? More. Holy fuck.
How long is this tour?

Speaker 4 It started in August of 21, and it ends in April of 23.

Speaker 2 You're just talking about life now.

Speaker 1 You're just talking about, like, you live on the road. Kind of.
And I have kids. What?

Speaker 4 And, like, they remind me.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 They're like, you're our dad.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, I know. That's a tough conversation to have.

Speaker 2 I imagine, like, I don't have kids of my own, but having your own child be like, hey, are you still my father? Yeah. Must be like a real humbling experience.

Speaker 4 I can tell like when things are good, like, because when I come home, sometimes they're like, dad.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, hey.

Speaker 4 And then sometimes I come home and they're like, hey.

Speaker 1 He's back. Wait, how old are your kids?

Speaker 4 Six and three.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, because that's.

Speaker 4 The age they need you the most.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 I have a two and a half year old and a 10-month-old, and I'm struggling with the, like, we went on the road for March Madness a couple couple weeks ago I come back I'm sure you feel this I'm sure every parent knows this you come back and like my two and a half year old son is like I'm kind of off you like where have you been so then the last two weeks I've built it back up and we're like best friends again and now I have to go to New Orleans tonight and it's like fuck all this

Speaker 4 we've done do you bring shit back I do I bring gifts yeah every time like when I walk in the house sometimes I'm like hey guys and like just expecting like a like a dad moment and right away they're like do you have surprises for us do you have gifts i go yeah and then i don't yeah they're like where are they i go they're being shipped they were so big i had to ship them and they're like oh when are they getting here i'm like i in the next few hours i think yeah and then i'm like go buy something do you live do you live in austin i do yeah so there's a there's a pretty decent i think it's a cinnabon in the airport right you can pick up some cinnabon on the way back bro you're like look what daddy brought You may have just changed my whole life.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, there's a lot of stuff in that airport.

Speaker 4 That's like, they're going to have just a billion Keep Austin weird t-shirts that you pick up at the very last minute yeah i should start you know but the thing is once like your kid's two and a half uh he's gonna be three in in june okay so what happens is like after they turn three because my guy three year old's almost four and then i got the six-year-old they really like there's an age where you can give them anything you're like this is a sticker and they're like yeah they don't know but once they start to like get their preferences down like i'll come home one time i bought My little one likes cars and the older one doesn't.

Speaker 4 But I bought two toy cars and the older guy goes, I don't like cars, he likes cars. He just threw it on the ground.
And I was like, Oh, he's like, Where's shit that I like?

Speaker 4 Like, I don't know, man, but Cinnabon, Cinnabon, yeah,

Speaker 1 that's a depressing thing, though, to do, and I've done it as someone who likes to eat, but like getting food when you land in the airport and you're like going to a hotel, and you're like, I'm just going to pick up some McDonald's while I'm leaving the airport.

Speaker 1 That's a rock-bottom move.

Speaker 4 It feels depressed. I mean, last week I did Vegas and landed in Austin drunk, and I was like, hey, man, like, we got to get food.
Like, we have to.

Speaker 4 So I go to Starbucks and I start buying like breakfast sandwiches, multiples. They're like, how many people are? I'm like, it's just me.
I just need

Speaker 4 multiple sandwiches right now.

Speaker 2 Did you ever get that, like, the sad cold container where it's got a hard-boiled egg that's been sliced in half? Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 And then maybe. Three grapes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, three. Yeah, it's got the grapes in there all the time.
Maybe a slice of cheese in there.

Speaker 4 I think it's called a protein box.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, the protein box. It's just like the worst shit that doesn't go with anything else.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it smells. It really smells.
I should call it the fucking stink box because you open it and it's just like it smells like eggs and cheese.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but that's it's very very exciting to go on a tour, but I feel like what you're doing right now is it even a tour? It's crazy. I think it's just like you were constantly just doing shows.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know what happened?

Speaker 4 This is what happened. And my agent's here and he's probably watching in the green room.
This motherfucker, he called me during the pandemic, right? So you're at home.

Speaker 4 I'm used to being a comic that tours regularly, right? Meaning like every couple weeks, you know, know, you're doing gigs and you're home, right? You're home that first month and that second month.

Speaker 4 And then it turns into like, there's no touring. Remember, touring shut down.
Right. So it's like a few months in.

Speaker 4 He's like, I think we should get ahead and start locking down dates for when things open up. And you're like, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 So you're sitting at home and they're like, how about this offer? Because that's the way it comes. You get an offer, right? You want to do the beacon and you want to do the Hulu and you're like, yeah.

Speaker 4 And they're like, how about the next day, Newark? You're like, yes. And how about, and they start, and you're sitting at home.

Speaker 4 So everything that comes in, instead of like thinking rationally, you go like, yeah, dude, I'm not working.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 4 Like, book it all.

Speaker 1 It's all theoretical. And then this is how you end up with a two-year tour.

Speaker 4 And then all of a sudden, you show up to August and you're like, wait, what's going on? And they're like, you're about to do 400 shows.

Speaker 1 And you're like, oh, my God.

Speaker 2 So how does that work in terms of the material? Do you have to change things up a lot?

Speaker 2 Or is it like, okay, you're going to do the same material for this month, then you'll go home, write a little bit, come out, do something different?

Speaker 4 No, it happens a little, like, it doesn't happen as calculated. So, at first, you're building it, and then you're doing it, and then you start to feel like, all right, like, I have it set.

Speaker 4 But then you, as the person performing it, get bored because you get bored of the jokes.

Speaker 2 Telling the same story, yeah.

Speaker 4 And just, like, organically, you'll start to drop. You'll like, you'll drop one night, someone will be like, hey, you didn't do that bit.
And you're like, yeah, I'm just not.

Speaker 4 And then you'll automatically replace it with something new.

Speaker 4 So, like, if you see the show tonight and then you see it in six months, you'll be like, you dropped this, this, and this, and then you added this.

Speaker 4 And it just happens like throughout the course of a tour.

Speaker 1 Can you tell like almost instantly if it's a good crowd or not? Like almost like, okay, this is going to be a great night because the crowd is giving me energy.

Speaker 4 Sometimes. Yeah.
It's not a foolproof thing. Sometimes a crowd is so hot, it's almost overwhelming at the top of a show that like they, they've burned themselves out with their, like the height.

Speaker 4 You know what I mean? Like they're so excited. You're like, this is amazing.
And then it just like there's this slow wind down.

Speaker 4 And you're like, hey, I thought we were, I thought we were good with each other.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I thought we were having an awesome night.

Speaker 4 And then sometimes you start slow and it goes, but I think there's this thing where if you say something when you open a show, like out of the gate, you just come out and you say something off the top of your head and it gets a laugh, it almost changes the energy of everything.

Speaker 4 If it's organic, like truly off the top of your head, that almost sets you up for a great show every time. Wow.

Speaker 1 I never like, so do you try to do that every time? Like

Speaker 1 it's not a planned joke. It's just this is what it is.

Speaker 4 It's, yeah. It's like Jeff Tate calls it riff energy, where you just like go out there and you just say whatever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, look at this fucking guy.

Speaker 4 Anything that's happening, like current event, like, you know, you just like say it. Right.

Speaker 4 Like, I did this show in Topeka, Kansas, a couple weeks ago, and the Westboro Baptist Church was there, the people that protest, you know. Yeah.
And so talking about them,

Speaker 4 they're just outside. The audience saw them.
And they're also like kind of national. Everyone kind of knows about them.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 I talked about them for like a couple minutes. It It's just like it was pandemonium in the room, and then your show is just like on this ride.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 That's a good cheat code. I feel like they fell off, though, the Westboro Batman.

Speaker 4 Let me tell you something, man. They're coming back.
They're coming back.

Speaker 1 They are?

Speaker 4 Yeah, they're dope, dude. They're going to get their show.

Speaker 1 They're going to get. Yeah.
They have a remix coming?

Speaker 4 Dude, they have their eighth member now. They're growing.

Speaker 2 They need to collab with somebody that's hot right now because they had a moment there. I'd say like 2005 to 2015.
Yeah. They were everywhere.

Speaker 2 I feel like maybe the pandemic pandemic hit them especially hard.

Speaker 1 They did. I think they need to go like Avengers with the circumcised people.
Oh, I love people who walk around with the red blotch in their pants.

Speaker 1 That's the kind of energy if you get

Speaker 1 mutilated. Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 Those type of crazies put them together. They might be able to compensate for them.

Speaker 4 Well, you know, Westboro Baptist Church protests dead soldiers' funerals. Yes.
So maybe, you know, we get involved in another little scuffle internationally.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They need to get punched.
They get their nuts.

Speaker 2 The circumcised guy, I got into a debate with him one time outside the Super Bowl because he did have the blood stain on his crotch. And he was, I realized what he was so mad about.

Speaker 2 He thinks that his own dick sucks.

Speaker 2 So he was protesting. He's like, my parents took away 14 separate functions and sensations from my penis when they circumcised me.
I was like, dude, just admit that you think your dick is bad.

Speaker 1 You got a small dick. You got a small dick.

Speaker 2 I don't know if it's small. I think his dick, he just doesn't feel his own dick.
You know what?

Speaker 4 A guy like that, you need to be like, have you ever been with someone that doesn't have a gag reflex?

Speaker 4 Because it is remarkable.

Speaker 1 You will not be doing this.

Speaker 4 I remember this girl. It was Savannah, Georgia.
It was 2002. And she let me touch the back of her throat with my fingers.
And I was like, why are we using my fingers?

Speaker 4 And like, that'll really, like, it'll change your life.

Speaker 1 So I have a question off of that. You do a podcast with your wife.

Speaker 4 Yeah, she knows the story.

Speaker 1 I was going to say, is that ever, I mean, it's a hilarious concept. I listen and it's like, it's great to watch two people who are married just be so open about everything.

Speaker 1 Has there ever been a moment where it's like, okay, that was like after the show, like, all right, let's not do that again.

Speaker 4 Not about, like, we've had moments where we're,

Speaker 4 like, we're, you know, having an argument. But it's not because, like, I said something gross or shared.
She doesn't get mad about this kind of, like, you know, this girl from this.

Speaker 4 It'll just be like regular marriage stuff. Right.
Where like, what was that? You know, that kind of thing where you're like, no, what did you mean by that?

Speaker 4 And then we stop because we go, it's not fun to do the show with like, like, you know, like combative energy. So we'll just stop recording.

Speaker 4 Wait, I just didn't know what you meant. Oh, okay.
And we do our show. But like, as far as sharing some crazy, like, old sex story, I mean, I love upsetting her.

Speaker 4 Like, I feel like it's a thrill to see her get. grossed out or something.
So I always do that. And, and, you know, it works.

Speaker 1 Like, it's just, she's the kind of wife wife that you can tell those stories to right um and she's also a comic so it's like right she knows how to roll with stuff too it's a very cool concept and then obviously your other podcast with burnt has got to be a different a different type of energy i mean where he's has there ever has there ever been a time when you're just like hey dude like just chill out like you're you're can i talk you mean

Speaker 4 or that do i get to talk today

Speaker 1 yeah there is funny because we've had him on twice now in the last couple months and people are like he's such an awesome guest.

Speaker 1 And then like the 10th comment will be like, you guys weren't even on this show. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 I mean, it's funny because he is the sweetest. People don't know.
This is the sweetest guy. Yeah.
He's so fucking funny. He is really a remarkably funny dude.

Speaker 4 But like this, like his stream of, he doesn't even know.

Speaker 4 Sometimes like how he's being you have to like I'll tell him for like I'll allow him to just over talk me and it's just for whatever reason like I just it just works. I'm like, I'm not bothered.

Speaker 4 But if there's someone else, like, and if we go to dinner, I'd be like, you have to let them talk. I would pull him aside.

Speaker 1 He'd be like, oh, really?

Speaker 4 Because he's so unaware of himself.

Speaker 7 Right.

Speaker 2 Are there places that you know? I think we said when he was on the show that he's kind of like a gun.

Speaker 2 Like, you'd like to, he's fun to play with, but you have to be very cognizant about what environments you bring him into.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude. And who's around?

Speaker 2 Are there certain places that you have said, okay, this is this is not a BERT place?

Speaker 4 Yeah. Indoors?

Speaker 4 Yeah, oh, dude, last night I took him to dinner uh and with Primo with DJ Premier and a and a bunch of people and Burt was already he had tied one on already like we showed up and I was like how much have you had to drink and he and then he just like starts you know I think he finished like four bottles of wine to himself at dinner Christ

Speaker 4 and then he goes we're just sitting around talking shooting the shit and he goes Hey, Primo. And I'm like,

Speaker 4 and he goes, I hope this isn't offensive. And I was like, oh, my God.

Speaker 4 I'm like, what are you going to say? And he goes, I just want to get something out before I black out.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 He's the worst qualifiers ever.

Speaker 4 And like, and I really, at this point, I'm like, where are you already in? I don't know what you're about to do. And he just goes, it's just such an honor to have dinner with you.

Speaker 1 I'm like, that's what you fucking say before that?

Speaker 1 And he's like, yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, he's out of his mind, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 2 we should ask, how are you doing physically?

Speaker 4 Physically, I'm doing well. I had a fucking nerve transfer.

Speaker 4 It's pretty wild. They took a nerve from here and they moved it here.

Speaker 1 From your wrist to the back of your wrist.

Speaker 4 Yeah, so you have two muscles and nerves underneath on the underside of your forearm that allow you to pronate, right?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 So one of them they figured out you don't need to do that. Huh.
So they took it and they put it here where a nerve wasn't firing.

Speaker 2 Is this because of the injury?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Holy shit.

Speaker 4 And they didn't know I needed that when I initially had surgery. So when I initially had surgery, they put a pin and screws in my humerus, like the upper part.

Speaker 4 And they're like, oh, your nerve stuff will just come back. That's the way it works.
And at about seven months in, they're like, hey, this thing's not firing right. Fuck.

Speaker 4 And then they did a surgery on my arm where the fucking surgeon, I was like, how, like, this sounds like wild shit. And he's like, yeah, I've never done it before.
I'm like, what the fuck?

Speaker 4 He goes, yeah, it's a new procedure that this Brazilian doctor discovered. And I'm like, okay.

Speaker 1 And I'm having it done.

Speaker 1 That's wild. So you like that injury,

Speaker 1 and everyone has seen it. Yeah.
Yeah. Let me see.
But the,

Speaker 1 I always think, like,

Speaker 1 I, you know, as an adult, when you get injured, it's such a different experience. Like, athletes get injured, but they know that injury is part of the game.
When you're an adult, you get injured.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, you're going to send me something so gross. I actually love this shit.
Wait, your phone went off.

Speaker 1 I love looking at, like, terrible injuries and horrific things. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So none of this, like, I, I, like, I watched your injury so many times. Oh, yeah, everybody did.
Oh, look at that.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God. That's fixing the nerve, though.

Speaker 1 Awesome. Oh, fuck.
Oh. all the way.
See, I could watch this forever, Tom. How many beers? Like this and puke videos are just endlessly hilarious to me.
But your injury.

Speaker 1 So when I saw it initially and I was like, oh my God, the worst part about this is like, there's something about getting injured as an adult that like the shame and regret you have right after is so like all-encompassing.

Speaker 1 Like I just wish I hadn't done that.

Speaker 4 There's so many like little, like, there's so many little moments that become so vivid. Like that period of time.
You know how you have memories of whatever, the last, during your life. Right.

Speaker 4 Some of them are like fuzzy. Some of them you're like, I remember that girl.
I remember that, like, that place we went. I remember that vacation.
But like that time period

Speaker 4 from getting injured to like recovery is like, it happened yesterday. It's like vivid memories, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 4 And I remember the week before, I've told this before, the week before, I'm in Oklahoma City. And I'm doing the road and I have Josh Potter, who's a comedian, a friend of mine, with me.

Speaker 4 And I go, you know what, we're doing what Bert and I are doing next week to film for our, we were filming this for our New Year's live show that we do. He's like, what are you doing?

Speaker 4 I go, we're going to do basketball. And we're walking from the hotel to this coffee shop.
I remember like, it was yesterday.

Speaker 1 And he goes, ugh, basketball?

Speaker 4 And I go, yeah, man, because I used to play a lot. I used to play high school basketball.
I used to play club basketball. I did pickup games in college.
I used to play pickup games when I got to L.A.

Speaker 4 I go, yeah, I used to play a lot of basketball. So I'm going to fuck him up.
So that's why I picked basketball. And he goes, I I don't know, man.

Speaker 4 He goes, basketball, that's how guys in their 40s get fucked up. Their knees, they're Achilles.
And I just went like, whatever. Like, but I just, I was like, yeah, all right.

Speaker 4 And then we went and got caught. And I just remember it like so clearly.
Yes. And then that day, too, I remember, I remember jumping in my office.

Speaker 4 One of the guys was like, I bet you can't hit the ceiling. And I jump and I like smack the ceiling.
And I landed and I was like, that felt weird. Yes.
And then, but I didn't really say anything.

Speaker 4 I was like, that felt weird.

Speaker 4 and then playing you know just like but we were having fun that's the crazy you're having a good time not thinking you're doing something reckless or you know or stupid yeah and just going up for that one and it feeling like a fucking gunshot you know it's wild it's the worst feeling though because it really is like like i said like getting injured as an adult you just know like hey i'm an adult i could just live the rest of my life just doing things where I don't get injured.

Speaker 1 Why am I doing this? Like last time I got very injured playing basketball, I hurt my back and that same thing where it's like it tweaked. I was like, oh, I'm fine.

Speaker 1 And played like an hour more of pickup. And then five minutes after I finished, I couldn't move.
Like that kind of shit. Where you're like, why, why would you do that? Dude, and then like, why?

Speaker 4 And, you know, Bert was there. Yeah.
And Burt goes, like, I still remember him going, you okay, buddy?

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 4 And I'm sitting there with my arm facing the other way behind my back. He goes, buddy.

Speaker 1 And I was like, call 911.

Speaker 2 I guess it's good that it got caught on camera, though.

Speaker 1 It would have been such a waste

Speaker 2 if it wasn't filmed.

Speaker 4 Telling that story, not the same without, like, I remember telling when I'm in the, when I'm in the hospital, first I'm in the emergency room, and then I'm in another room in the hospital.

Speaker 4 When they're finally getting me ready for surgery, surgery is going to happen in like a day or two, right? But I'm in a regular, like my own room.

Speaker 4 This trauma surgeon comes in and he's like, so wait, how did this happen? And I'm telling him, and he's like, okay. I can see that he's like putting it together near his head.

Speaker 4 And then I go, you know, I have it on video.

Speaker 1 And he goes, I'm sorry, what?

Speaker 4 and I go I have it on video from multiple angles and he's like why

Speaker 4 and I go well because we're filming it for this thing he goes you know I'd really like to see that he goes I could show that to people I go I think you'll just get the link I think you'll see yeah you'll see it everywhere and he's like okay and then I showed it to him and I gave him my phone and he goes oh And I go, wait, you're shrugging at that?

Speaker 4 Like, he goes, yeah, that was terrible. I don't want to see that again.

Speaker 2 That's the worst thing I've ever seen.

Speaker 1 But it was, I mean, you'd have to say, like, a net, not good for your life, but good for your career.

Speaker 4 I mean, everyone talked about it for a while.

Speaker 1 Like, it was.

Speaker 1 It was big news on the internet.

Speaker 4 I monetized it. Like,

Speaker 4 I made millions of dollars off of it, but I also,

Speaker 4 but I also was like, people were like, yeah, I bet. I was like, well, dude, like, if you go, hey, would you rather that not happen and give that money back?

Speaker 1 I'm like, yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 I think it's one of those things, though, where if you had asked, if somebody asked you a hypothetical question 20 years ago, like, would you take, X million dollars in exchange for breaking two body parts on camera trying to play basketball?

Speaker 2 You would have said yes probably then.

Speaker 1 Maybe.

Speaker 4 But if they were like, by the way, you'll also already be making millions of dollars. I'd be like, oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's actually. I think I'll put those aside.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So is there,

Speaker 2 I don't want to like make you relive it too much, but I've wondered since I saw the video, if you disfigure two parts of your bodies at the same time, is there one that hurts more than the other?

Speaker 1 And if so, does your brain only focus on that thing?

Speaker 4 You're 100% correct.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 4 So what happened was I didn't even know for days that my leg hurt

Speaker 4 because the arm pain was so substantial and so much more. And I asked that question in the hospital.
I'm like, I don't really feel like my leg's injured. And they're like, you will.

Speaker 4 They're like, it's just that the arm pain, your brain picks.

Speaker 5 It supersedes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Fuck.
It's crazy.

Speaker 4 So I was just like, oh my God, my arm is so fucked. And it was shattered.
So I was like, God damn. And they were just giving me fucking dilauded into my neck.
I was like, give me more.

Speaker 4 It was just so amazing. I am a big fan of drugs.

Speaker 4 And that shit is amazing. I mean, that's medical heroin.
And like, it makes you want to try heroin. It's so good.

Speaker 2 It's tough to poop after, though. Bro.
Did you have some poop issues?

Speaker 1 Yes. Yes.
And then I also,

Speaker 4 when I finally, when they fixed my arm and my knee started to hurt, I was like, God damn, that fucking hurts. And then they put a nerve blocker in your leg.

Speaker 4 So they inject you and it kills, like it numbs that nerve. So just to like numb that pain.
And yeah, I was fucking, oh my God, dude.

Speaker 4 I was having different nurses finger me

Speaker 4 and, you know, give me suppositories. Right.

Speaker 4 One of them put like her whole hand in my ass, this little Asian chick had these little fingers. And I was like, how much is in there? And she's like, well, I have small hands.

Speaker 1 I'm like, Oh, God,

Speaker 4 she's like wiggling it around in there.

Speaker 4 But it was, it was a dis and I couldn't wipe, dude. Yeah,

Speaker 4 you know, because like this was so fresh that I was like, How will I? And one guy actually came in and gave me wipes, and I had to tell him that he was going to wipe. And he was like,

Speaker 4 He was like, What? And I go, No, I can't do it. And he was like, Oh, like, I saw him break.
He was like, Oh, no.

Speaker 1 He's like, Part of the job.

Speaker 2 I mean, they didn't even offer a bidet

Speaker 2 or even an attachment to put on the bus.

Speaker 4 No, they're just like, people will help you.

Speaker 1 It was horrible. It was really horrible.
Wait, so you said it as a big fan of drugs.

Speaker 2 What's your favorite drug?

Speaker 4 Dilauded.

Speaker 1 That, yeah. I mean,

Speaker 1 without the injury.

Speaker 4 That is the greatest thing I've ever experienced. I mean, it was really.
That's crazy. I remember when I got to the emergency room, I was with Bert.

Speaker 1 Great guy to be with at that moment.

Speaker 4 And he's, by the way, he's a germaphobe, germaphobe. And like, he doesn't handle high stress well.
He was just like, he was sitting there. He's like, I don't know what I'm doing.

Speaker 4 I just know that I love you.

Speaker 1 I was like, thanks, buddy. I love you too.

Speaker 4 And then they're like, I'm in, I mean,

Speaker 4 you know, it's like trauma, right? I'm like, I don't even know what's going on. And the nurse comes in and they had given me, I don't know, fentanyl or something.
And I don't feel any of the effects.

Speaker 4 I'm in like so much pain. And she goes, like, okay, so what would you rank your pain level? And they have a chart on the wall.
They have faces. Yeah.
And they have numbers. And I just go, nine.

Speaker 4 And then Burt goes, it's 10.

Speaker 1 Say fucking 10.

Speaker 4 And I go, oh, yeah, yeah, it's 10.

Speaker 1 And he goes, why wouldn't you say 10? I'm like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 You try to leave yourself space. It's like, it can always get worse.

Speaker 4 I wanted to be like, yeah, it'll be worse. And then they try to avoid giving you dilaudit.
I didn't know that. So they're like, how about this? How about that? I'm like, nah, dude, it's not working.

Speaker 4 And then they're like, all right. We're going to bring out the bit.
And then they tell you it. They go, by the way, nothing is stronger than this.
This is the max we can give you. Holy fuck.

Speaker 4 And then as they give it to you, they go, you might feel a warm rush in your chest and it's like a countdown it's like three two and you're like

Speaker 4 oh my god and you feel it and you're like yeah dude this is great that's it holy fuck i was asking for it like they're like you just took some we have to give you a little break and i was like you don't have to it's a 10 it's an 11.

Speaker 13 yeah the pro football football show is presented by the chevy silverado built for the hustle ready for the game chevy silverado is america's most dependable full-size truck whether you're grinding through the week or gearing up for kickoff the Silverado is one ride that's always game ready.

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Speaker 1 I was trying to figure out when I first interacted with you online, and I realized that I think it was,

Speaker 1 you love college football, like you just said on the yak.

Speaker 1 I think it was over our guy, Robert Kakua, may he rest in peace, the Hawaii announcer. Do you remember him? No.

Speaker 1 He was the big guy who would announce Hawaii games with the

Speaker 1 huge Hawaiian shirt. Okay.

Speaker 1 And it was essentially like if you knew who the guy was, it's like you watch, you either gamble too much myself or you watch too much college football and you're up at like one in the morning on a Saturday.

Speaker 4 How hardcore are you of a gambler?

Speaker 1 I like to gamble a lot. A lot.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes, every day.

Speaker 4 And like we're talking like you throw like major money. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's my only hobby.

Speaker 4 But that's not just a hobby. I mean, that's a rush, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, it's the, I mean, it really is like

Speaker 4 the dilauded of living

Speaker 4 with money.

Speaker 1 I always say, like, it was, when I was, I think, 11 years old, I won $100 at a turtle race in Key West, Florida. And that was like, all right, this was fucking awesome.

Speaker 1 I want to get a bunch of people. And you gamble too.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't throw around as much money as Big Cat does, but I bet.

Speaker 4 What's the biggest bet you've ever placed?

Speaker 1 For me,

Speaker 2 I don't want to say my number. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Come on.

Speaker 4 Come on, dude. What do you think people think you're playing?

Speaker 1 The game of the year has gotten a little substantial. Yeah.
It's been

Speaker 1 one of the game of the year. Yeah, I'm

Speaker 1 leaping out.

Speaker 1 Your reaction tells everything

Speaker 2 post I've ever done.

Speaker 1 That's a substantial game. It is.

Speaker 1 So do you gamble?

Speaker 4 I mean,

Speaker 5 very passively.

Speaker 4 You know what I mean? Like, I don't do it online, really.

Speaker 4 I go to Vegas to do shows.

Speaker 4 Sometimes I'm walking by the sports book and, you know, it's a certain time of year i'm with it's more fun for me if it's like i'm with friends yeah and you all bet on a game together yeah that's just that's awesome that's kind of fun but like i you know i rarely like i don't know the ins and like when if you bet a lot you start really knowing all the little details and lines and like this and push i'm like yeah dude i'm just like who do i think will win right that's my level of betting so i'm not like a rich probably would make you better than me i doubt it yeah i mean that's sometimes wait did you that large bet did you win that that one I did win.

Speaker 1 You did. What did that fucking feel like? That felt awesome.
I also had a run a couple months ago where I went 10-0

Speaker 1 on 10 straight days, which was sick.

Speaker 4 Of wins. Yes.

Speaker 1 And that was very tough.

Speaker 4 Do you bet, do you do like, you know, Blackjack and Craps?

Speaker 1 I like playing Blackjack. I'm not a big Craps guy.

Speaker 4 Did you ever, do you know, you may have already covered this, Dana White's run at Blackjack there? No. It's one of the, you haven't looked this up? No.
It's one of the wildest things, dude.

Speaker 4 Look this up. Dana White

Speaker 4 is banned from almost every major he lives in vegas great from almost every major casino for playing blackjack because he has taken them and i'm

Speaker 4 listen to this he has taken them for millions wow millions he counts cards he's got like a he has a system then he's a he has a system and yeah they like one of the casinos i forget which one just they gave him a belt and they're like you are the champ and you are nobody coming back that's the nicest way to kick somebody out holy shit this dude i mean there's videos on him doing this.

Speaker 4 It's insane. I don't know what his system is.
And we're talking walking out with like, hey, I want

Speaker 4 $1.3 million playing blackjackets. And they're like, please don't come here anymore.

Speaker 1 We've had him on a bunch. We got to bring it up.

Speaker 4 You've got to bring him up.

Speaker 1 Wait, so who's your college team for college football?

Speaker 4 I mean, I'm a longtime FSU fan, so it's been a rough couple of years.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it has. I don't waver from it.
I'm just

Speaker 4 bad.

Speaker 1 It's been really rough. Really, really bad.
It's been really bad.

Speaker 2 You had Jameis, though.

Speaker 4 That was a fun run. That was a fun fucking run.

Speaker 4 And I went to that game. I went to the national championship game that year.
That was a thrill. And, like, you know, you have to accept it if you're a hard.
I don't know who you're big fan.

Speaker 1 The Badgers are my college fan.

Speaker 4 Like, especially if you have a team and they win something really big, you have to accept the cyclical nature of it. And, you know,

Speaker 4 for me, I actually get so fucking angry that sometimes I remove myself from watching things. You know what I mean? Like,

Speaker 4 if all of a sudden they're like one in four, I'll be like, you know what? I think I probably shouldn't watch the game this weekend because I'm not going to get any fucking fulfillment out of that.

Speaker 1 That see, so I have a little bit of a different take because, you know, my teams don't win often.

Speaker 1 You know, the Cubs won and the Blackhawks had a nice run, and obviously you go way back and like the Bulls and stuff. But I have found later on in life that I've enjoyed the ride.

Speaker 1 I've been able to enjoy the ride a lot more.

Speaker 4 If you get in on the bad times.

Speaker 1 Right, like Wisconsin basketball this year, you know, I always knew they were flawed, but they had a year where they overachieved, and it's like they're probably going to lose in a heartbreaking fashion in the tournament.

Speaker 1 Like they did, they went one for 23 or something on three, but it's like the ride, the stops on the ride, watching them every three nights, that's the fun part. Yeah.
Like enjoying that.

Speaker 4 I guess it, you know, I come and go with it. One of the things that happens, too, is because of the nature of doing stand-up, I'm always working on a Saturday.
Right.

Speaker 4 So I very, like, you know, I'll record something. And if, like, I see the highlight before it, it's like, they lost 56 to 17.
I'll be like, I don't know if if I'm going to watch this one.

Speaker 1 Jacksonville State this year. Yeah, that was bad.

Speaker 4 That was really bad.

Speaker 1 It's rough, dude. And also now you have Deion just taking,

Speaker 1 which

Speaker 1 Florida State fans got really mad at me because I hopped in one of those Twitter spaces and I was like, they all,

Speaker 1 Florida State fans are convinced that. Barstool is funding Deion

Speaker 1 to buy recruits. And it's like, my response is always like, if that were true, like Dave would just be getting everyone to Michigan.
Like, he has no allegiance to Jacksonville. I'll say this.

Speaker 4 That's a fun conspiracy theory.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so they were all so mad because I hopped in and they were like, oh, what should I do?

Speaker 4 I'm a big fan of them, and I'm a big Deion fan.

Speaker 4 I did not get mad at that. I'm like, this is the game we're playing.

Speaker 4 And also, that dude is, I think he could convince a lot of people

Speaker 4 to make that switch.

Speaker 1 Especially a cornerback.

Speaker 2 If you're the number one recruit in the entire country coming out of high school as a cornerback, who else would you want to play for to get ready for the NFL?

Speaker 4 And Prime has created this whole environment of like this is the play like this fun we're gonna we're we're gonna we're building something here and like i mean i know we're seeing snippets of it but you watch it as a fan you're like yeah it looks like he's building something fucking cool there yeah that's i mean so your career like i you know i've i've read about like when you started out and it's got to be similar to dion like that do you ever look back fondly on those days when it's like i'm in this you know, comedy world.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's going to work. And like that grind of, because you're there now, you know, you're very, very successful.
You have a seven-year tour going on. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I mean, the memories that we talk about the most are of the shitty times.

Speaker 1 The climb, yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's literally what we talk about the most. Remember doing that bar show where that guy puked and laid in it and on the front row?

Speaker 4 Like, you know, not getting paid on a gig that you're supposed to get paid on, staying in awful fucking comedy condos.

Speaker 4 Like, those are the things you laugh about, like the shitty gigs that you do, by the way, for years, right? Years, right? And then people are like, oh, you know, you're overnight or whatever.

Speaker 4 You're like, no, this is a 20-year ride, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, it's true because it happens with us too.

Speaker 1 Like, we, speaking of Florida State, we, you know, we do a college football show now, and it's, we're now at a point where, like, we fly in, it's like thousands of students come out to see us.

Speaker 1 We fly right out. Yeah.
Dave and I always joke, like, we did a, we did a Dumb and Dumber 2 promo

Speaker 1 ad deal where we had to dress up in the tuxedos, and we did a college football show outside a frat at Florida State where we had to wake the dudes up at like nine in the morning it was like 20 dudes pissed off standing behind us like fuck you guys and like those are the funny stories those are like the moments that you remember not like oh this is sick now we have like I love that you guys are like you you're like banned from NFL activities oh yeah yeah oh they have they've got our pictures our names yeah can you go to a stadium yeah we can we can go as a fan you can go yes we can't go to any like NFL media event we can't can't go to

Speaker 2 anywhere the commissioner is. We have a geofence round.

Speaker 4 I remember just peripherally watching. Didn't you have like one episode of it, ESPN?

Speaker 1 Yes, yes. Yes,

Speaker 1 yes.

Speaker 1 So sick.

Speaker 2 That's not necessary. We had like one and a half.
We filmed

Speaker 2 the part of the second.

Speaker 4 And how did you get like you got pulled?

Speaker 1 It went well.

Speaker 1 The first one? Yeah. It went okay.
Yeah. It was on it like two in the morning, and it was after on a Tuesday.
I can't remember. On ESPN 2.

Speaker 4 Wait, what is the phone call? This isn't working out. You're like, it's aired once.

Speaker 1 Oh, we we didn't get to take it to the table. No, no, no.
We got. No, no.
That's not why we got taken.

Speaker 1 So the reason why we aren't bitter about it is it wasn't, it was out of our control. It was people at ESPN basically being like, we don't want to be associated with barstool.

Speaker 4 Fun, cool people.

Speaker 1 Right, right. People who really, you know, I'm sure they're doing, I'm sure they're very happy with their life.

Speaker 4 Creative, coming up with cool shit all the time.

Speaker 1 Ripping out someone else's dream. But that was the part where it was like, at least we didn't get canceled because it sucked.

Speaker 2 Gotcha.

Speaker 2 I talked to John Skipper, who was the president of ESPN at the time, the guy that fired us. And no, he did not give us a phone call or anything like that.
You did talk to him.

Speaker 1 Erica, we were in his office. The two of us were in his office.
He's like, he looked at us and was like, I got your guys back. Yeah.
That was the last we talked about.

Speaker 2 And then we're actually filming episode two and we're in the middle of taping. So cameras are running.
We're in this shitty little like basement looking set.

Speaker 2 And Big Cat's phone rings, and it's Erica, and he puts it on speaker.

Speaker 8 And

Speaker 2 Erica goes, Hey guys, I got bad news. ESPN is canceling the show.
And so you get to see that, much like your basketball experience, you saw two hearts break at the same time.

Speaker 2 And we just kind of like slumped down. We're like, oh, fuck.
But I talked to Skipper not too long ago

Speaker 2 and I asked him about the experience. And he thought that he had called me and talked to me.

Speaker 1 I was like, no, no, no, no. That's hilarious.

Speaker 2 And he goes, he goes, well, what happened was I had never been to barstoolsports.com, the website. And so all these people came into my office saying, you should see the stuff that's on their website.

Speaker 2 So he typed in barstoolsports.com, looked at it, and the first two blogs he saw on there-one by a guy named Jerry Thornton, who writes about like teachers that get arrested because they had sex with like their high school student.

Speaker 2 And then the second one that he saw was from our good friend, Uncle Chaps, and it was just a picture of a pumpkin. The pumpkin looked like it had a butthole where the stem was.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and he goes, Do you think this pumpkin wants the pipe?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and so he was like, So, I saw like a guy wanted to have sex with a pumpkin, and then some teacher had sex with a student, and I was like, I can't be in business with this.

Speaker 2 But that's on him, though, because of course it's on him.

Speaker 2 If we had gotten fired after five shows, that's probably because our show is like

Speaker 1 71

Speaker 4 looking up who they're going to bought tickets to go see.

Speaker 1 Go look it up. Yeah, and we were very naive at the time.
And the lesson we learned, I wonder if this has ever happened to you in your career, like in terms of

Speaker 1 whether it be like a show or something to trying to convince you.

Speaker 1 We spent so long trying to get ESPN comfortable with us, we should have realized, like, now I have the radar up where if someone says they want to do something with us and they're like, well, I got to just check with this person, I'm like, nope, I'm out.

Speaker 1 Because I like, I know if you're not all in right away from day one, it's there's going to be a moment where you're like, I don't think this is right.

Speaker 4 What's happened is that you do,

Speaker 4 you've, you've stayed like doing the things that you want to do and you're not trying to, you're pleasing yourselves by doing the show you want to do. And, and it's successful.

Speaker 1 And what that buys you is the ability to be like no if you don't want to fuck with me on this i'm fine and i love it because it definitely like i feel like comedy recently in the last whatever three four five years and you especially because you've had your podcast for a very long time like it's got to be freeing knowing that you are now at a point where and i hate using the word cancel but Fans of comedians can find their comedians.

Speaker 1 They don't have to, like, there's nothing behind it there. They can just give you, you can give your fans what they want without having

Speaker 4 someone like putting an axe over your head yeah i don't i don't like answer to anybody it's awesome i mean like i i tour so i own my tour i own a podcast network that has a number of podcasts we're announcing another one next week why don't you do it right now

Speaker 1 it's it's so good too wait when when when next week for real uh next week um where are we in it's it's yeah in april yeah so wait so just we're not gonna run this till friday next friday next friday yeah so just announce it okay because then we'll get good publicity That's true.

Speaker 4 So we signed Danny Brown. Danny Brown is a rapper and a super hilarious dude.
He's like one of the best guests we've ever seen.

Speaker 1 This is whenever our younger producers nod, I'm like, this is good. You did good, Tom.
Because I'm like a 37-year-old dad. I'm like, I don't know.
But he's nodding, so he's right.

Speaker 1 Tell you what, Bubba, let's just run this tomorrow. On tomorrow's show.

Speaker 4 Bruiser Brigade, man. He's so fucking.
He's like one of the funniest dudes we've ever had on. And like, he's got a great fan base.
And he moved to Austin and we were shooting the shit.

Speaker 4 And he was like, I do a podcast if you produce it. And I was like, done.

Speaker 1 So, how many people do you have working for you now?

Speaker 4 It's probably equal to parcels, a couple hundred. No, it's, you know, we have our studio.
It's like

Speaker 4 staff-wise, I think we're close to like 10 staff there.

Speaker 1 That's, I mean, that is like our own thing.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you're living the dream in that respect.

Speaker 4 We just put the shows out we want to put out. And it's great.
I wanted to tell you this because of your Skipper story: is that when the pandemic struck is the first time

Speaker 4 we tried, we realized, you know, there's no touring. So we're like, what are we going to do? And so we did a live show.
I don't know if you ever saw that. We did these things called, call it YMH Live.

Speaker 4 And what it was, was a show that we could put together uncensored and that we would also shoot sketches.

Speaker 4 So basically try to raise the value of a, it can't be like, hey, we're just doing our podcast, but make it worth a ticket price.

Speaker 4 So we were like, all right, we'll do $10 tickets, like a really accessible price.

Speaker 4 And then we'll show these sketches that we shoot, and then we'll show things that we can't show on our YouTube show, meaning like uncensored.

Speaker 4 And then we'll do a segment called the heavy segment, which will be like wild shit, like really crazy, deep, dark internet shit.

Speaker 4 We don't know what's going to happen, and it's just an experiment. Like, when you just try, let's see if this works.
So, we do it on a Friday,

Speaker 4 tickets go on sale, and as the show's starting, I get a message from the guy, like the webmaster guy. He's like, this is selling insane right now.
And I'm like, really? And it's like

Speaker 4 thousands of tickets. And I'm like, wow.
So we do our show, and then it stays on sale because if you don't catch it live, you can watch it afterwards. And he's calling me like Monday.

Speaker 4 He's like, dude, it's like, this is bananas. And then he calls me and he goes, hey, the platform that I found to air this just took it down.

Speaker 1 And I go, why?

Speaker 4 I thought you said it was selling like great. He goes, yeah, they told me 24 hours ago that it broken their record for their site.
And I'm like, so what's the problem?

Speaker 4 He goes, dude, there are multiple investors

Speaker 4 that support this site. And one of them is the NFL.

Speaker 4 And the CEO of this thing

Speaker 4 is terrified that Roger Goodell. is going to find out that the thing that is selling well is two guys getting fisted by a guy and having their prolapse anuses fall out.

Speaker 1 And I go, you don't know if he likes it. He might like it.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 They're like, he's not going to like it. So they, we just, what we did, they took it down.
We couldn't put it back up. And then we found another platform that would host it.

Speaker 4 And they're like, we don't give a fuck what you put on here. And that's where they live now.

Speaker 1 That's crazy.

Speaker 4 He was scared of Roger Godell.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that's, I mean, that is how it works is it's, it's really, there's like, every time we talk to people, you'll have allies in different companies and the, and the normal people will be like, this is awesome.

Speaker 1 This is funny. You guys make jokes.
and then there'll be like someone sitting in a boardroom somewhere where it's like i don't find this funny yeah and that's it and they can

Speaker 4 smile too that that's the guy like that's what you find out too in comedy like you do you pitch a show to a network and it's just fucking sally and jim who are like we don't like it yeah who are what do you do yeah and they're not comedy

Speaker 1 did you write do you write comedy yeah have you ever performed oh you you just get to decide they personally don't like it yeah so this is it yeah they get like 10 tweets and they're like yeah we're getting blowback We don't want to deal with it.

Speaker 1 What? Yeah.

Speaker 4 And I feel like some of the people should wear, you know, different color jackets. And you're like, what?

Speaker 4 They're just deciding things like their own personal taste.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. It's crazy.
But I mean, that's awesome that you have, I mean, you're very, very successful.

Speaker 4 You guys are like the, you know, the inspiration. Like, you guys are the example of it.
Like, guys who just did.

Speaker 4 Sports the way they want that wasn't like the, and we'll be back in three. Right.
And with like the same takes, you know what? Diverse.

Speaker 1 You have to be able to deal with um different uh struggles during the season and uh these guys yeah if you fumble you're not going to win this game like what the fuck are we watching like you know what's helped us a lot is that um sports have gotten a lot smarter like people know a lot more analytics everything but at the end of the day like the reason why it works for us is that we are inner meatballs.

Speaker 1 Like if

Speaker 1 I'm like thinking like, okay, yeah, you should bean a guy in a baseball game if you want to send a message. Like, that's, or like, you should get in a fight in hockey if you want to rally your team.

Speaker 1 Like, those things that are now becoming like, those aren't numbers. Like, that doesn't help the team.

Speaker 1 It's like, there's stupid things that we think where we're like, yeah, run the ball, run the ball, and you'll win. Play defense.
It's like, no, that's proven not to be correct, but it is in our mind.

Speaker 4 Yeah, and it's like you're talking the way that honestly, a lot of guys who watch sports want to hear somebody speak, you know?

Speaker 4 It's like what it's like why we all get so excited about an athlete who doesn't give like those

Speaker 4 soundbite answers.

Speaker 4 We just hope that

Speaker 4 if we play as a team, we'll win. You're like, Jesus Christ.
You want the fucking psycho who's saying wild shit because you're like, this is entertainment. Just make it fucking entertaining, man.

Speaker 2 I truly believe that every NFL team should have at least two fullbacks on the roster, even though

Speaker 2 there's nothing that you can quantify to say this works. But I also am barely smart enough to realize that I'm dumb for thinking that NFL teams should run the ball with their fullback more often.

Speaker 2 So we we can make fun of ourselves for being, like Big Cat said, meatballs from time to time.

Speaker 2 And then people, it doesn't matter if you agree with our inner meatball or if you agree with that voice in the back of our heads that's telling our inner meatball to shut up.

Speaker 2 Like just something for everybody a little bit, but at least we're honest with people.

Speaker 1 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 4 And then, and that big key is that you're honest with your take, and then we do this too. It's like, you know, I might say the most inflammatory, wild, reckless shit.

Speaker 4 And then you go, hey, I'm open season two. You can make fun of the way I look, the way I speak, the fucking things I do.

Speaker 4 like you just make fun of me breaking my leg and arm trying to jump yeah i don't care yeah no the whole world did yeah they did the whole world did so what i noticed reading about you earlier today is that um

Speaker 2 you have a connection with a player that we've talked about on this show since like 2016 oh yeah cassius marsh yeah so cassius marsh you may remember him if you're not familiar he's the guy that did the karate celebrations and he bought or he had fifty thousand dollars worth of magic the gathering uh trading cards stolen out of his car back in like 2016.

Speaker 2 So he bought your house.

Speaker 4 He bought a house that I owned. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you get to meet him at all?

Speaker 4 Yeah, we did a podcast together.

Speaker 5 What's he like?

Speaker 1 Awesome.

Speaker 4 Absolutely fantastic, dude.

Speaker 4 So at first, this is funny. I'm in LA.
You know, in LA, it's kind of guess like New York where you can get a call like, do you know who's buying your house?

Speaker 4 It's fucking just one of those cities, right?

Speaker 4 So at first, my realtor calls me and she goes, hey,

Speaker 4 I think an NFL person might buy your house. And I go, Who? She goes, Oh, I don't know.
I'm like, This is not a good call. Give me the fucking,

Speaker 4 give me the name.

Speaker 4 And then she calls me back. She goes, Do you know, I think his name is Joe Namath? I'm like, Yeah, I know Joe Namath.
I go, He's buying my fucking house. And she goes, No, his daughter.
But she

Speaker 4 might buy the house. And I'm like, All right.

Speaker 1 And I go, That's fucking cool.

Speaker 4 I'm showing up to that fucking closing. Yeah.

Speaker 4 And then she called me back. She goes, Oh, she fell out.
And then she calls me and she goes, Another NFL player might buy your house.

Speaker 4 i'm like are you only showing this to nfl players she goes no and then she tells me cashius and we actually started to just dm and like i was telling him like if you need this for the house like telling him stuff about the house yeah and then he you know he would like message me about some comedy stuff and about football and then the reason that my that studio which is in la where it was where where it is is because of a proximity to the house he bought.

Speaker 4 So one day I was just like, hey, man, do you want a podcast? So he came over, great podcast. I actually didn't realize I read a blurb, like a by like a wiki thing.

Speaker 4 I see like something magic. So when I had him on, I was like, so you're a big fan of magic? And he was like, what? And I go, you love magic? And he was like, magic the gathering.

Speaker 4 I'm like, it's like, so do you do like magic shows and shit?

Speaker 1 And he was like, are you fucking with me right now? And I was like, are you fucking with me?

Speaker 4 He was like, no, Magic the Gathering. And I was like, Abracadab, I don't know what you do.

Speaker 4 are you gonna do a trick or something he was like do you not know what i'm talking about and i was like no i don't he had he the most expensive collection or one of the most expensive collections in the united states i think he he is so deep into like trading cards uh memorabilia uh magic the gathering uh nft like he knows that and he is actually doing so incredibly well in that because he has a business like he actually has a place that like specializes in this he told me and this is on a podcast that's why i don't feel weird saying it he goes i will make more from all that stuff than my NFL stuff.

Speaker 4 Like, not even close. Like, this is for in a season.

Speaker 1 Good for him.

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Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 Just hear me out. Okay.
I was born in Cincinnati. Okay.
I left when I was nine. Okay.
It was the year they went to the Super Bowl and lost to the 49ers, 88.

Speaker 1 Which year,

Speaker 1 twice.

Speaker 4 And yeah, now three times.

Speaker 4 So I left, we went to Minneapolis. Fucking nine-year-old kid.

Speaker 1 This is like the worst. You're just doing a tour of the worst franchise.

Speaker 4 Holy shit. We're going to fucking Vikings games.
Two years later, we moved to Milwaukee. Packers are playing half their season at Milwaukee County Stadium.

Speaker 4 Three years later, we leave there. We move to Vero Beach, Florida, two hours north of Miami, and start going to fucking Dolphins games.
The answer is, whichever one of them is doing, okay.

Speaker 7 I'll do it. I'll be like, so it's Packers.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so were you a Packers?

Speaker 2 This year, were you a Packers fan or a Bengals fan?

Speaker 1 Oh, no, Bengals. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
All right, good, good.

Speaker 4 And actually, like,

Speaker 4 you know, they've been depressing to be a fan of for a long time.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 But

Speaker 4 it is rad to see them actually have it's very cool.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That is funny, though.
Like, if you hadn't mixed in the Packers area, it would have just been like, so your team's just awesome.

Speaker 4 It's just all me, dude. Yeah.
Wherever I go, they're like, we're going to suck for you.

Speaker 1 We had a question on our show the other day of a couple that had a kid, and one of them's a Lions fan, one's a Browns fan. And they're like,

Speaker 1 what do we raise this child?

Speaker 1 And we came to the conclusion, like, I think you just raise them both a Lions and Browns fan because if you say that to someone, they're not going to be like, oh, you can't root for two teams.

Speaker 1 They're just going to be like, oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 4 Yeah, maybe pick a different sport. Yeah.
Because maybe I would do with that family. Yeah.
Like, hey, do you like fucking hockey? Yeah. Maybe switch it up.
Do that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. The Red Wings had some nice years.
Yeah, there it is. Boom.
Done. Done.

Speaker 1 But thank you so much for joining us. Yeah, thanks for having having me guys.
And go see Tom. He's going to be every city in America for the next eight years.

Speaker 4 I can't list the dates. Tomsagura.com.

Speaker 1 And listen to his podcast, one with his wife and one with Bert, and then also the new podcast coming out soon.

Speaker 4 Danny Brown. That's what's up.

Speaker 1 Cool.

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Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on recurring guest

Speaker 1 Pete Holmes. Hi.
It's been a long time. Pardon.

Speaker 5 Yes. I'm using the catchphrase.

Speaker 1 Pardon. It's been what? Suck into the Graham.
2018. Yeah, get right into it.

Speaker 2 We say at the start of every show. We say pardon.

Speaker 5 Pardon me, everybody, but we're back with a long time recurring guest.

Speaker 1 Yeah, 2018. Anything happened in between those years?

Speaker 1 You know, quite a bit.

Speaker 5 There was a national, actually sort of a global thing happening. We were just saying off mic, I just got the Coco Maloco.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you were...

Speaker 1 I've had it three times I think you have not yeah two documented and a third yeah you can't get it three times oh yeah you can I can listen you kind of collect them all it's like Pokemon I got it I got it twice in about a three-week period which is crazy to the point where I got an email from like someone at the CDC being like hey we'd like to talk to you Yeah, to figure out if this is possible.

Speaker 5 Yes, because I'm living like I'm in the 90-day invincible period. Yeah.

Speaker 5 By the way, everyone in New York is also living as if they're in the 90-day invincible period.

Speaker 2 You're also like fervently anti-vax or anything.

Speaker 5 I'm really anti-Wall I'm anti-everything. Happily, we land, it's a flat earth.
We landed on the moon. Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 That sort of stuff.

Speaker 5 But no, I got the vaccination.

Speaker 5 And it was very mild.

Speaker 5 That's good. If my COVID was a salsa, it would have been pico de gallo.

Speaker 1 Okay, so yeah, you're not even, it's just there.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it was just, yeah, it's just there. You're not really going to dip into it, but it looks pretty on the table.

Speaker 1 Right. You maybe like do one with a chip, and if the chip breaks apart, yeah.
Yeah, you suck.

Speaker 2 I've eaten pico with with a spoon before

Speaker 5 but uh yeah we we just wanted to do something as a family to get covered yeah that's nice we all got on together but we never had a fever you know i do have some people in my circle that are like anti all that stuff and i i don't this may be silly to say but i was like hesitant to tell them how mild it was because they're gonna be like see told you see told you

Speaker 1 yeah yeah and they're like

Speaker 2 right it is just cold yeah damn it wouldn't it be crazy i was actually thinking this the other day wouldn't it be crazy if literally everything that Alex Jones has said for the last like years ended up being exactly perfect?

Speaker 1 Well, that was the plot of the world. Harry Clinton is a reptile.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 5 Remember, Tommy Lee picks up the tabloids and he's like, these are the only real news.

Speaker 5 Like, that would be hilarious if we're just like, well, that's egg on my face.

Speaker 1 That's the world we're living in. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Turns out the Illuminati Anunnakis, they're here. Speaking of it.
Which of you, are either of you a lizard? A shapes-shifting lizard? I just want to know who I'm talking about.

Speaker 1 Billy is. Oh, I knew it.
I knew it. He is for sure a lizard.
Oh, he just did a don't do that. He's reading it.

Speaker 5 He'll do a YouTube video and we'll play it in slow motion.

Speaker 1 Billy's definitely, he's definitely sexually attracted to them.

Speaker 5 He blinked this way, and then he blinked this way.

Speaker 1 Speaking of men in black,

Speaker 1 were you one of those comedians that was like, Will Smith could have killed Chris Rock and this?

Speaker 5 I had in my Jed apple.

Speaker 1 Judd actually came in the next night.

Speaker 3 We made fun of him for him.

Speaker 5 I saw Judd last night.

Speaker 5 He's the best.

Speaker 5 You know what I actually think is the funniest thing about it is how comedians make it about themselves.

Speaker 1 That's what we do. And we're like, I'm going to be slapped now.

Speaker 5 This friendly crest toothpaste motherfucker who's going to be up there getting slapped. Like, it doesn't seem to be the issue.
You're right.

Speaker 1 He's starting an epidemic. I can smell it coming.
I'm next. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 5 I mean, Will Smith wasn't at a comedy show, first of all.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I tend to, I don't, I don't perform at the Oscars. Right.

Speaker 5 This is why I was funny. Like, guys working the circuit, working the funny bones, are like, does this?

Speaker 1 Am I going to get attacked?

Speaker 5 I'm like, no, no.

Speaker 5 In fact,

Speaker 5 I'm an optimistic. I'm kind of like, I think you're less likely because we've seen how like

Speaker 1 absurd it looks. Absurd.
Yeah, absurd's a good word.

Speaker 5 But it was so sad.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 It's not like a movie. If that was in a movie, like violence in movies, we're like, ah!

Speaker 5 And then you see real, like, even though it's, you know, it's a slap, it's not like hardcore, but it's mild violence. It's violence.

Speaker 1 And we're all just kind of like, I feel sad. Yeah, like, what was that? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Like, it wasn't, it wasn't cool.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 I do think it's weird, though, how Hollywood has, like, there's all these things that have come out in the news, like in variety saying that Will Smith is losing jobs and that no producers will touch him right now.

Speaker 1 Is that true, really?

Speaker 2 Yeah, to me, that makes no sense. I feel like now would be the time to get Will Smith.
Everyone's talking about him.

Speaker 2 I don't know, like, you think that he's going to flip out on set or something like that?

Speaker 5 Kind of like a no news, good news.

Speaker 2 I think it's like

Speaker 2 the safest time to fly is after a plane crash.

Speaker 2 I was just going to say, yeah, and so, like, if you want Will Smith to not slap somebody, now is the time that you bring Will Smith around.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine if he slapped another person I almost hope that he does

Speaker 1 yeah I kind of hope he does too because then it would be like his thing like what are you gonna do like you can't if he slaps I think if he slaps one more person it's probably like oh this is a troubling issue but if he goes and slaps like five people you're like I think he's in control

Speaker 1 I think he knows what he's doing and then you can't get mad at him going forward if he slaps you because it's like you knew he was a slapper slap guy right like you can't even bite him slapper yeah like you can't be like oh how could you slap it's like no dude that's what he does yeah yeah slaps you knew knew yeah you knew you signed up for it if you've ever had like a troubled animal and you're like oh my god he never bites this is crazy i can't believe that he did that and then like three or four more then you got the vest on him

Speaker 2 and then you got the muzzle yeah

Speaker 1 i actually had a dog that kept slapping me yeah um we i did a bad job of introing you because you have a new show Yeah, I do have a new show.

Speaker 5 That's what I'm here to promote.

Speaker 1 How we roll.

Speaker 5 Which is so, I always say this. It was my favorite job to work on.
It's been so fun. I missed my cast.
I missed the crew. So we're promoting the hell out of it.

Speaker 5 One, because it's a great and funny show, but two, I really just want to see those. I want to see those people again.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 So please watch.

Speaker 1 How we roll CBS 930. When does this air? On Thursdays.
I think maybe tomorrow.

Speaker 5 Okay, so watch it on streaming. Hulu.
And then it's on Paramount Plus. Paramount Plus.
And I believe, does CBS have an app? Kate, we don't. Yeah, CBS, Paramount Plus, Paramount Plus.

Speaker 1 The one with the mountain. I just downloaded Paramount Plus because I have to watch Paw Patrol.
So that's...

Speaker 5 I also have a child.

Speaker 1 And Paw Patrol is the movie. Here's a pro tip.

Speaker 5 Paw Patrol the movie, not as bad as the show.

Speaker 1 The show is mind-numbing.

Speaker 5 Put on the movie.

Speaker 5 It is Paw Patrol.

Speaker 1 Did they

Speaker 1 miss all Paw Patrol? Wasn't that like

Speaker 2 Seth because it was pro-police?

Speaker 1 Well, there's one cop, and then there's also like a firefighter and a dump truck. Do you mean Chase? Yeah, Chase, yeah.

Speaker 1 I haven't learned there's Pawdle Dr. Devil.
One cop, two dads. We know the name of the dad.

Speaker 1 It's actually very funny because they all have these jobs, and then there's just a bulldog who just drives a dump truck. That's right, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like, what the fuck? That sucks.

Speaker 2 I think you were saying that, like, in order to counterbalance that, there should be like a left-wing dog on the program, like Antipaw. Yeah.
And he's going out there like attacking.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He's like, throwing bricks at people.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 You put anti-paw together pretty fast.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I think we talked about it like three years ago. I think it's one of those things.
Like, you ever have something that you said like a while ago that's just stored in the back of your brain?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then all of a sudden, like, somebody touches it.

Speaker 5 And in the three years, I'll go Anti-Paw. And I'll think I came up with it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, it's your reality workshop.

Speaker 5 That's how comedy works. No, I won't even know.

Speaker 1 That's what I mean.

Speaker 5 It'll just come out.

Speaker 1 So the show, How We Roll, my first question when I saw the

Speaker 1 little video that I watched today, it's a guy who basically says, you know what? I'm quitting everything. His family pushes him to start bowling as a profession.

Speaker 5 Yes, and actually, that's a good, first of all, it's based on the real life story of Tom Smallwood, who's a real bowler. So that's a little bit of a spoiler.
Okay. I'm playing Tom Smallwood.

Speaker 5 We know in reality Tom Smallwood is a professional bowler.

Speaker 1 Right. So

Speaker 1 do you bowl? Or was it one of those situations where I'm a huge athlete? Where like Wesley Snipes had to learn how to play basketball?

Speaker 5 Wesley Snipes had to learn how to be a day walker.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 5 And he drank blood. Right.

Speaker 1 Not a lot of people talking about that. Look at Instagram.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Billy's looking up right now. But do you bowl?

Speaker 5 Your face was shocked. I bowled, because I'm from Boston, a candle pin.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 5 You remember a candle pin? It's like a hard tiny look. Yeah, the hard.
Yeah,

Speaker 5 it's more of a kid sport. Perfect for birthday parties.
But then when I got out to California, I did start doing more of the 10-pin. Didn't know that's what it was called.
10-pin.

Speaker 5 If you want to sound cool, it's the 10-pin bowl.

Speaker 1 So you did have a little bit of bowling.

Speaker 5 And then Robert Smith, not from the cure.

Speaker 5 Robert Smith in the cure did come by set once, but we just gently wept for a little bit. Robert Smith, the professional bowler, came by, and he taught me how to bowl.
He was the second guy we had.

Speaker 5 The first guy we had on set, I forget his name, but he was a professional bowler, too.

Speaker 5 This was for the pilot he was like just bowl just show me how to bow like how you bowl i was like okay i don't want to you know stick your foot out kind of finish and i try it this is in front of everybody there's like 50 background people all the cast is there and i do it and he goes

Speaker 1 not at all

Speaker 5 i was like aren't you supposed to like you lead with encouragement yeah right okay that's where we're starting he just like made fun of me and that was all the time we had that was the first lesson luckily we reshot the pilot and in between that and the and the and the series being picked up i I had more proper lessons.

Speaker 5 And it's interesting, like, it's little things. It's like, here, I'll give you a tip because you can see me.
I'm used to doing this on radio, but like, you might bowl like this, right?

Speaker 5 You got your fingers in here, and you hold it like this. He's like, just do that.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just that.
The spin.

Speaker 5 And it's more to let the weight of the ball. So instead of like moving your arm to throw it back, let the ball is heavy.
It's like a 10-pound ball. Let the ball do that while you're walking.

Speaker 5 Four little Fred Flintstone,

Speaker 5 four little steps, and then it comes out, and you start throwing strikes. I'm not saying it's easy.
It's not easy.

Speaker 5 I had a pro literally giving me like bonsai tree micro adjustments, but then I would throw, I think I threw four in a row,

Speaker 5 which was really cool. But thank you for that.
I do want to concede and say, if you're in a rhythm, it's way easier. Right.

Speaker 5 It's just like basketball in the same way that like bowlers have to throw twice, then they sit.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 5 And that slows you down. You can't just get into that muscle memory.

Speaker 1 Right. Right.
But yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's, I, I, the, I assume a lot of people have that exact same thought when they see the show and they're like, wait, did he learn how to like, because bowling is one of those things, if you could be good at bowling, it's kind of like golf.

Speaker 1 Like, if you're good at it, it's a lot of fun. If you suck, it's the worst.

Speaker 5 Yeah, no, and you have to, you have to stay interested.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That was always my problem.

Speaker 5 Everybody starting bowling is like, I'm going to really do it. I'm going to pull a perfect game.
I'm going to go for it.

Speaker 5 And then, like, five frames in, you're a little drunk, you're a little bored, your hands are greasy, and like you give up. Yeah.
It's all about sticking with it.

Speaker 2 That's the problem for me is when I go bowling, if I get through like five frames and I haven't had a beer yet, I just get bored and I'm like, I think I need to drink the lightest yellow color beer you have in the most plastic pitcher that you sell.

Speaker 5 And they can do that.

Speaker 5 It's like on The Simpsons. He's like, go to first base, chug a beer.
Go to second base, chug a beer. And they're like, we know how to play softball.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 2 what's the best game of bowling that you've ever rolled?

Speaker 5 You know, since I've had the lessons, I haven't played because of the Coco Moloco. We were going to have our rap party at Pinns, this bowling alley in the valley, and none of it happened.

Speaker 5 Our rap party was me and Katie Lowe's, who plays my wife, like watching the show, sadly alone with our families.

Speaker 5 And then we got it anyway.

Speaker 5 But you mentioned something that I think is important about the show is it's like Crashing, the show I did before this, was about like, it was very lone wolf.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 5 It was Pete, I want to be a comedian. I'm alone.
I have no friends, but I'm going to make it. And honestly, that's a little bit what it's like being a comedian.
It's a little bit like being a pirate.

Speaker 1 Like, you're just like, I'll go steal the booty. Like, laughs.

Speaker 5 But this is about a family and friends together. So it's like a really great for me post-quarantine show.
The show, the script came through while we were in quarantine.

Speaker 5 I was like, this is what we need. I feel like so many people during quarantine were like, even if he had a great job, like you guys, I'm sure we're like, wait, what would I change?

Speaker 5 You know what I mean? You had that almost monastic period, just washing a dish. Look at Instagram right now.
He's just kind of thinking about his life.

Speaker 1 Billy bought a barn. I'm sorry, Billy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, he actually is similar to a monk.

Speaker 1 He bought his own barn. He lived in a barn.

Speaker 2 He collected animals. He drank nothing but beer.

Speaker 5 This is what you did during the quarantine.

Speaker 1 It was his dad's barn, but yeah.

Speaker 5 Okay. Well, see, this is my point.
Billy went his own way.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's very similar. He's very spiritual.

Speaker 5 But even, like, my dreams came true, but, you know, I'm a comedian. That was always my dream.
And still, during the quarantine, I was like, what would I tweak? What would I change?

Speaker 5 And so many people in this time were came out with a dream that they were like I'm gonna follow it like fuck it we all we all die someday I'm gonna go for it and this story isn't just about somebody going for a dream it's about what happens when family and friends support it his wife isn't like get a job like that was the first thing I looked for and she's actually as you said she's the one that pushes them and that I just feel like kind of in a Ted Lasso way.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Like you want something to root for. You want a group of people pointed in the same direction.
There's some salty jokes. It's got some edge.

Speaker 5 But at the same time, it's like a friendly, optimistic show.

Speaker 1 So you mentioned Crashing, and I loved the show. I was sad that it didn't get renewed for, what, a third season? What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, but I...

Speaker 1 Did you hear this?

Speaker 1 The thing I'm wondering is. You just put it on Hiyat.

Speaker 1 It's coming back. The thing I'm wondering is how.

Speaker 5 It wasn't picked up for the fourth season.

Speaker 1 Fourth season. Fourth season.
No, it's all coming.

Speaker 1 Do you ever like

Speaker 5 my ego just there? Like, I couldn't let that go.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. I'm sorry.
They're worth it.

Speaker 1 You've had, like, four or five different shows that you've created get picked up. But, like, you're still very, very accomplished.

Speaker 1 But do you ever, do you ever, like, dream about or daydream about like where the character was going to go?

Speaker 5 First of all, I'm touched that you still remember it, still like it, all that stuff. And what a generous question.

Speaker 5 This is going to sound like... bullshit.
Pardon. This is going to sound like bullshit.
But if we had done a fourth season, because we got, it was on the wind,

Speaker 5 that we weren't gonna come back like HBO was always cool they weren't like I don't know but we just had this sense that things were wrapping up and so that's why it ends so tight like we were like let's let's get these people together let's get like that but if we had done a fourth and we were working on it uh Pete would have started to become successful right and the show was called crashing it was it's supposed to be about those To me, I wanted to make a show that was about what it's really like to be a comedian.

Speaker 5 And what it's really like to be a comedian, especially for the first 10, 15 years, is these micro achievements. It's these little things.
It's like, oh, I'm accepted at this club.

Speaker 5 That's where crashing ends. He's accepted at the comedy seller.
That's a huge deal.

Speaker 5 So when we started thinking about the fourth season, we looked at my career and we were like, well, maybe he does Conan and maybe Conan is like, give this kid a talk show.

Speaker 5 As soon as you do that, it's not crashing.

Speaker 1 What about

Speaker 1 Pete gets a podcast and then the company that paid all this money for his podcast starts deleting a lot of the episodes.

Speaker 1 That would be cool. Wait, what is that? Joe Rogan.

Speaker 1 You mean Spotify? Yeah, Spotify, yeah. That would be cool.

Speaker 5 So, wow, I struck it. Like, he gets canceled.

Speaker 1 That would be great if in season four you get so big, then you get canceled the other way.

Speaker 5 I think, yes, those are big stories. We were always dealing with those little, little stories.

Speaker 1 And I'm proud of that.

Speaker 5 I know that sounds cheesy, but I'm proud that it was like, as soon as he has a podcast where he's canceled or he has a talk show, now you're watching Entourage.

Speaker 5 And I like Entourage, but like, crashing was always now i'm really gonna sound up my own ass but it's about how what you want is on the other side of something you don't want right like that and i i think the reason i like saying that is because i feel that that's true in reality and i'm not shoehorning this in that's what tom smallwood did he got laid off on crashing i got divorced but on how we roll my character gets laid off and that thematically is true.

Speaker 5 I don't just mean for TV. I mean for our lives.
Like we had that. Some of us had that for the quarantine.
Like I'm saying, you re-evaluate it in some way. I, in real life, had that with a divorce.

Speaker 5 I've had that through all sorts of, it's, why would you ever make a change in your life if it's working? Right. That's just not how human animals are.

Speaker 5 As animals, as a species, if it's working, keep, look to our parents, I'm assuming, for other examples of this. You see old people, you get those grooves in your brain nice and deep.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 You think the same things, you say the same things. This is why 80-year-old, 90-year-old, they're always saying like inappropriate shit.
It's because that's their stuff. Right.

Speaker 1 And it works. What do you mean? I said,

Speaker 5 the same, the same, the same. So you want to be fresh water.
You want to keep it moving like a river, right? But here's the thing. We can say that, but I feel myself atrophying all the time.

Speaker 5 As a dad, my life is so much less about me. So that's why we make dad jokes is because we're not even thinking about how to keep ourselves fresh.
We're giving our lives to our children.

Speaker 5 That being said, whenever shit is disrupted, shit, like I'm a bad boy. whenever shit's fucked up.

Speaker 1 Bleep that out, really.

Speaker 5 Yeah, bleep it. Bleep it, please.
I mean, like take crashing getting canceled. Like, these things that you don't want

Speaker 5 shift you around.

Speaker 5 They shake up the bottle. And that's,

Speaker 5 and that's what you want. You want your bottle shake.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So you can

Speaker 5 continue to grow, continue to change.

Speaker 5 And that's what How We Roll is about, I think, at its core.

Speaker 2 Well, in Crashing, you kind of alluded to this.

Speaker 2 If he had gotten the big talk show at the end, what I always liked about the show is that it was very high stakes about very small events in this person's life.

Speaker 2 So it's like step-by-step trying to break through to the next step, like get a couple laughs at an open mic night. That's right.
Or like go on the road and have a successful event that you put out.

Speaker 2 And if it becomes something big, then the show is... totally different.
It would be very funny. I'm curious to know your take on this.

Speaker 2 Like as a comedy writer, is it possible to make a show like that or like Ted Lasso, where the main character is, you're rooting for him the entire time? A genuinely good guy.

Speaker 2 That's easy to get behind. Is Is it possible to have like a finale to that show where it does take like a big dark turn?

Speaker 2 Like maybe your character in Crashing had been plagiarizing the entire time and hadn't written any of those jokes. Or in like Ted Lasso, maybe Ted Lasso is like a serial killer.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, like it switches up entirely the vibe of the person.

Speaker 2 Is it possible to pull something like that off and make it funny without completely pissing off your audience?

Speaker 5 Really interesting. It's an interesting question.
I think the answer to that question really depends on what's going on in the world.

Speaker 5 Like, the art that the culture makes is a reflection, often unconsciously, of what's going on in the culture. My example is: remember the game Cards Against Humanity?

Speaker 5 I really like that game. It's fun, but it got less fun as the world got more Cards Against Humanity.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 Like, this is an exaggeration, but Cards Against Humanity will be like, what's your least favorite race?

Speaker 5 And you're just like, yeah, this shit's too real. Like, it's not funny anymore

Speaker 5 to talk that way way when the world is like collapsing in so many regards. So, I don't think now is the time for Ted Lasso to be a serial killer.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 5 Because TV shows are like the dreams we're all having together. And dreams are often things that you want, like aspirational.
Like, it's like, what if there was a soccer team, a football team that was

Speaker 5 rooting for each other, that was underdogs.

Speaker 1 Like, we want we want Rudy right now.

Speaker 5 We don't, like, my joke was, like, before the pandemic, all the TV I was watching was, was pretty dark. Right.
Like, I was watching, I love Breaking Bad.

Speaker 1 I'm not putting down Breaking Bad.

Speaker 5 I'm just saying, like, when I go home after the end of, like, a pretty, the country being tense in so many different ways, I'm not like, let's watch a pot boiler right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I, I'm, like, what I watched during the pandemic was Frasier. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 No, you're right. The office, I would just rush through the office.

Speaker 5 We watched the whole thing in the office. I watched the whole thing of Frasier.
We watched the whole thing of Raymond. And it was so funny.
Here I was going back to multicam comedy.

Speaker 5 And that's when the offer to do a multi-cam comedy came in. And I literally was like, these things have a place, especially in America.
It's such an American thing.

Speaker 5 My whole life, I didn't know what I had like a kitschy nostalgia for. And I'm always worried this is going to sound like I'm just toeing the company line and trying to push my show.

Speaker 5 But I really mean this. I didn't know it was multi-cam comedies.
Sometimes like mulaney and kroll they'd be talking about like

Speaker 5 mash or alan alda just in general they had this like like really deep appreciation or conan always talking about the original batman series with adam west and i was like i just don't have that billy i just don't have it i don't know what my thing is right like that i have like an like a like an exaggerated love for it turns out It's a kitchen with a swinging door.

Speaker 5 The beers say light beer on them and they have water in them. They add the t later.

Speaker 5 And talking to my TV wife, who's acting, like Katie Lowe's did a great new interpretation of it, but like we're still in a ceilingless building with the lights and the audience, and I was like, oh my God, this is what I thought show business was when I was 13.

Speaker 12 Big, comfy couch.

Speaker 1 You're at the couch.

Speaker 2 The stairs right behind the couch.

Speaker 5 I don't even know. Yes, I was just going to say.
When I saw our set, I was like, they did it.

Speaker 1 I'm home. I'm home.
Yeah, you're searching for Al Bundy.

Speaker 5 You're facing the cameras, and that's where the TV is. Yeah, and they the TV's flown out, so it's it's assumed to be there.
The stairs are right behind you. I got my little son running up the stairs.

Speaker 5 He stops on his mark and says something. Yeah.
He goes up to his room.

Speaker 1 We all know this room is just polos. Yeah.
The whole time.

Speaker 5 This is why I'm like, really promoting it. I really want people to love the show, and I really love making it.
I want to be back. I have like this second house now, like this other little house.

Speaker 5 It's a fake house, sitting in a car, like a pretend car that doesn't run. And just like somebody's literally going like this to make it bounce up and down.

Speaker 5 I'm like, this is so much closer to a talent show at a summer camp than it is like a movie. And I mean that in the best way possible.
And it turns out that's all I wanted. Yeah.

Speaker 5 You guys must feel that. You come here and especially as a dad, you dump out all of your look at me.
all of your specialness. You get to shine and shimmer.

Speaker 5 And then the rest of your time, you can do whatever you want. But this is is your home base.
Yeah, like you must have. I hope you do, and I hope you're appreciating it.

Speaker 5 Like, the fondness for these guys, for this, these walls.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's ours. It's your little clubhouse.

Speaker 5 It's your little treehouse. Absolutely.
With Crashing, we didn't have. Look, I'm not putting down Crashing.

Speaker 4 I loved it.

Speaker 5 But we'd get up at 4 a.m. and drive to Long Island to shoot one scene.

Speaker 1 There's nothing that you come back to. That's interesting.

Speaker 5 This is like, we all, I park next to Katie. You get out of the cars.

Speaker 1 Good morning, Katie. Yeah.
All right, let's go over here.

Speaker 2 Do you ever run into somebody that's like, oh, you're a comedian?

Speaker 2 I don't like comedy. I'm not a fan of jokes.
Like, someone that hates to laugh.

Speaker 1 Do those people exist?

Speaker 5 I was just talking to Aaron, who did

Speaker 5 my hair and makeup, as you can tell.

Speaker 1 Looks great.

Speaker 5 We were talking about, I was watching Jack Reacher. Did you watch Jack Reacher?

Speaker 2 No. I never watched it.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 5 There's a series called.

Speaker 2 I'm familiar with the vibe of the show.

Speaker 1 Yes. What's up?

Speaker 5 You liked it? Kate liked it. I really liked it too.
I just like impervious men who are never wrong. That is the guy fantasy.

Speaker 5 Sherlock Holmes was the same thing. It's like, I noticed you're wearing a hat with a W on it, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm always right.

Speaker 5 We did a sketch about that on the Pete Holmes show, making fun of Sherlock Holmes, where it's like, like, he notices somebody, he must be an alcoholic, because the base of his phone has scratches when he's looking to plug his phone in at night.

Speaker 5 But in ours, we had Matt McCarthy playing Watson, and he's like, no. No, it's just those are little holes.
It's hard to get the plug in.

Speaker 1 That never happens in Jack Reacher.

Speaker 5 He's always right. Like this type of grass only grows here, and it's like, that's why the killer is you.
It's never like, no,

Speaker 5 that's fake grass.

Speaker 1 Like, you're wrong.

Speaker 5 But men in particular like stuff like that. But here's, to go back to your point, Jack Reacher doesn't dance.
Tough guys never dance. And tough guys often don't like laughing.
They don't like comedy.

Speaker 5 And I think both of those are related.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Dancing.

Speaker 2 It's like, am I cuck for letting another man make me laugh?

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 5 You nailed it. I thought you said cock, but you said cuck.
Like, am I a cuck?

Speaker 2 Like, it's Phyllis, is it gay to laugh at another man's jokes?

Speaker 5 Buddy, I really think something powerful subconscious is going on. Let's start with dancing, right? You don't want to dance because that's surrender to music.
Like, you decide how you move.

Speaker 1 Right. And then someone's like,

Speaker 1 and you're like, yeah.

Speaker 5 And you, and you, you merge. This is like, I'm not saying, I'm saying feminine energy.

Speaker 5 Men and women have it, but feminine, feminine energy can be more merging more open more flow right so that's more okay for women to dance and tough guys don't dance i actually think this is i would have loved it if jack reached danced if he was out there kicking ass being decisive always right and he was just like of course like i are you what song rules

Speaker 5 this is my jam back to laughing it's the same thing if i'm doing comedy And there's someone in the front row with their arms crossed and they're and they're daring me to invade them.

Speaker 1 It's an alpha right there.

Speaker 5 It's always a guy.

Speaker 1 It's almost always a guy.

Speaker 5 I've seen some women do it. And typically, women can be nightmares at comedy shows for different reasons, but typically women are,

Speaker 5 maybe it's conditioned, maybe it's a cultural thing, but they tend to be more okay

Speaker 5 with giving the control of their consciousness.

Speaker 5 Right now, this show... is invading consciousnesses.
Our thoughts are now your thoughts. Right, yep.
You don't think of it that way, but like, think think of the lone guy.

Speaker 5 Like Jack Reacher is not driving around listening to podcasts. Right.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 And he's not going to comedy shows and laughing his ass off. And he's not dancing.
But I wish we could, not just masculinity, but for everybody, specifically, because I'm a man, I know that burden.

Speaker 5 I'd love to see more models of like,

Speaker 5 why is it weak? to laugh your ass off at some funny shit. Like, why is it more masculine to not laugh and then steal that guy's joke?

Speaker 1 Now I'm flying the plane. You know what I mean? That's like, fuck off.

Speaker 5 It's like, let's enjoy each other.

Speaker 5 Did we learn anything from this pandemic?

Speaker 1 No, no one learned anything. That is a fact.

Speaker 1 That is an absolute fact.

Speaker 5 Maybe in Sweden,

Speaker 1 no chance do we learn anything.

Speaker 1 People are just like,

Speaker 1 everything that we said we were going to do

Speaker 1 the four months. It's over.
Month. No.

Speaker 5 It's like New Year's resolution.

Speaker 1 Yeah, pretty much.

Speaker 5 I was going to say, like, oh, I forget what it is.

Speaker 1 Be nicer, do we have to be here? Let's be nicer.

Speaker 5 And we're all in it together.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, that worked for about two weeks. Two weeks.
Now it's selfish.

Speaker 2 Now we actually did learn how to hate each other more easily. Yes.
We've gotten much better at well.

Speaker 5 It is a great luxury to be able to be dismissive and judgmental of your friends and neighbors.

Speaker 1 It's great, isn't it? Yes.

Speaker 5 And now that we have it back, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what's going to bring it back?

Speaker 2 It was going to bring back kindness is the three-camera sitcom.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 5 Well, okay, so the home base isn't just for me, it's for everybody.

Speaker 5 That's what I realize watching multicams is

Speaker 5 you're not just watching Ted Lasso. I know that's not a multicam, but you're visiting the locker room.
Right. And on Cheers, you're visiting the bar.

Speaker 5 And unless we have our bowling alley and we have Tom's house, Tom's mom's house. These are places.
Like the human, I don't mean we're dumb in a bad way.

Speaker 5 I mean, let's take advantage of the fact that you see it and you kind of start to believe it. So you got to be careful with that.

Speaker 5 If all you're watching is like dark shit, kind of, I'm not saying don't do that.

Speaker 5 I'm just saying you'll notice that you kind kind of start feeling a little vincent price you know right and when you watch shows like how we roll thursday nights 9 30 after

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 5 you start to get some of that warmth rubs off on you and again just to restate it it's like a funny show but it's also about people coming together my joke is it's not even a joke i it's how we roll it's not how i roll it's about a family and i feel like we we need that right now you're you're right about what you watch and how it affects you like if you watch enough you know uh episodes of sopranos you're like more likely to get into like a fight over a parking spot or something yeah like see you know start yelling at people that scene yeah where uh the couple is fighting on the street and they come out and the guy's like not a mob so he's kind of connected and you go are you okay to the girl and then he like kills the guy yeah you're like oh no yeah we're so impressionable i'm now less likely i'm not saying i wouldn't but you you'd have a hesitancy because you'd be like the world's fucking insane.

Speaker 5 I saw it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. Someone might kill me.
Yeah. You didn't see it.
Yeah, you did. But you did see it.
Right.

Speaker 5 That's that's why, man, talk about these are the dreams we have together. When you have a dream, like I've noticed if I have a sex dream, I'm horny all day.
That's how we are.

Speaker 5 If we are kind, I used to think it was stupid that we'd say, like, have a good weekend.

Speaker 1 Hey, have a good weekend.

Speaker 5 Right. That's a nice sweatshirt.
I mean it. That's a nice sweatshirt.

Speaker 1 This shit.

Speaker 1 Fuck me? Ah!

Speaker 5 The fact that you think that I'm like a cool guy that would try to fuck like, what we say to each other really matters. Words matter.
They're like little spells.

Speaker 5 If I say those are cool sunglasses, which they are, those are cool. Or you seem nice.
You're good at your job. Let's fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You guys both took it right in the intercourse.
That's what we do on the show. That's all you're trying to do.
No, you're right.

Speaker 1 Words do matter.

Speaker 2 Just say you want to take your pants off, bro.

Speaker 1 Listen.

Speaker 1 You guys both ruined my

Speaker 1 TED Talk.

Speaker 1 That was a beautiful TED Talk.

Speaker 3 What's great is everyone knows where I was going.

Speaker 5 What we put in comes out. But yes, I think after this, we'll all have sex.

Speaker 1 All right. So Thursday, 9.30, how we roll.
Last question.

Speaker 5 9.30, yes.

Speaker 1 It's the ROBAC question. What size are you? We'll get you some ROBAC gear.
Beautiful gear. What is your gear?

Speaker 1 It's a good question. It's Q-zips and hoodies,

Speaker 1 and it's the best stuff in the world. R-H-O.
No. R-H-O-B-A-C-K.com.
That is, though. That's a really good sweatshirt.
Use code TAKE for 20% off your first purchase.

Speaker 1 I have a bone to pick with you with something I heard you say recently.

Speaker 1 And this will be the last question. Yeah, you, you.
Bone to pick? You said that if ice, if you lived forever, ice cream wouldn't taste as good. Yeah.
And I think that's totally wrong.

Speaker 5 Well, neither of us can try.

Speaker 1 Neither of us can give that a word. That made no sense when you said it.
Because I do love listening to you because you do actually have like some really profound thoughts.

Speaker 1 And then when you said that, I was like, wait, shut up, Pete. That's stupid.
That is. Like, ice cream would still be awesome.

Speaker 5 I agree with you, first of all. I know what I'm trying to say.
I'm exaggerating it a little bit to make a point.

Speaker 5 I'm trying to embrace that I don't think, in my spiritual worldview, that the clock on the game, that might be a better metaphor, meaning that we die, imbues this moment, fuck ice cream, this moment, the fact that we know that we're a room full of flowers.

Speaker 5 We like to think that we're all Jack Reachers, but we're flowers. We're delicate, and we're only here for a time.

Speaker 5 Imbues this moment with a richness that wouldn't be there if I was like, I live forever. I'll be back 20 times.
Guys, this could be it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay, all right. The way you're putting it there, I think it was just specifically the ice cream.

Speaker 1 Here's where I'm wrong. Yeah, and this is good.

Speaker 5 This is what I'm talking about. I'm letting the music manipulate me.
I'm letting your opinion, you're right. Ice cream would always taste great.

Speaker 5 I just, when you overdo it, there's something about the way that the universe works that feeling good all the time doesn't work. Yeah.
Have you ever noticed that that's weird?

Speaker 5 Like, heroin has dire consequences. Like, if the point was to feel good all the time, these things would be great life action.

Speaker 5 We'd be like, all right, just get me an IV drip of heroin, and we'll all just roll around, like, holding it.

Speaker 5 It's not how it is. It's supposed to be this, and death is part of that.
And one of the reasons is, because this is a sports place, a basketball game without a clock is absolutely joyless. Right.

Speaker 5 And in the same way, I love that you brought it up because it brought me, it put the needle on the record for me. Everything's a little clearer.

Speaker 5 Everything's a little bit more urgent and vivid because I remember, Pete, stop. You think you're doing press? I'm going to do this.
I'm going to go over there, do another show. It's just this.

Speaker 5 And it could just be this. Yeah.
It could just be this.

Speaker 1 That's a good idea. Happy when you're happy.

Speaker 2 You're sad when you're sad. And that's how you feel the most happy overall.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Well, you need, well, that's another idea. You need the contrasting energy.
When you're down, that is what makes up up. But we want just one side of the coin.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, you don't.

Speaker 1 It's like when you get sick and you said you added mild for COVID, but like when you get sick, when you get the flu or something happens to you, you appreciate the health a lot more.

Speaker 5 And how we are, at least how I am, you feel like you'll never be well again. Right.

Speaker 5 And then when you are, just like you were saying about the quarantine, you immediately forget that you were ever sick. Yes.
And you just go around.

Speaker 1 I'm invincible again. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ice cream tastes like shit because I'm never going to die.

Speaker 5 I'm trying to say something. The stakes of death are what give life more value.

Speaker 5 And I would say make ice cream a little bit more delicious because ice cream is this sort of indulgent, it's not healthy, but you know you're taking a little bit and ah, it means more that you know it might be your last.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm on board now.

Speaker 1 Pete, this has been great. It's great to see you.

Speaker 1 Thank you. And everyone go watch the new show.
Thanks for letting me roll out how we roll.

Speaker 1 On CBS Thursday nights, and you can re-watch it on Paramount. Paramount Plus.

Speaker 5 It's the Mountain one.

Speaker 1 Yes. The one with the Mountain.

Speaker 5 It looks like Corey's Light.

Speaker 1 The one with Yellowstone, right? Yeah. Yeah, Yellowstone.

Speaker 5 I believe for for copyright reasons we can't say that, but yes, parameters.

Speaker 1 Okay. Got it.

Speaker 15 We drove 1,700 miles of old Highway 61, the whole country, top to bottom, just to prove one thing.

Speaker 7 Comfort food can make anywhere home. Crave New World makes the classics you grew up with, cleaned up for right now.

Speaker 15 High protein, no fake stuff, no shortcuts. Bison meatloaf, chicken enchiladas, turkey lasagna, the kind of meals that taste like Saturday night, even on a Tuesday.

Speaker 1 Crave New World.

Speaker 15 Find it in Kroger Isles this October. The road trip might be over, but dinner's just getting good.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Hank. Hell yes.

Speaker 1 All right, Fire Fest of the week. Hank, how was your week? My week was okay.
Yeah. Busy week.
It's a good week. Good week.

Speaker 2 A lot of meetings. Productive.

Speaker 8 A lot of meetings. Just racking up hours in the meeting room.

Speaker 1 Nothing bad happened.

Speaker 2 Clocking in, clocking out.

Speaker 8 No, I don't think so.

Speaker 2 Well, it's Friday today, so you're going to go home. You're going to kick your feet up on the couch.
You can probably take your tie off, have a nice one cold beer, and fall asleep.

Speaker 1 Nothing bad happened this week?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Cool. You've already forgotten it.
That's fine.

Speaker 2 Wait, I don't even know.

Speaker 1 I mean, we literally have the best chip over Hank's head for the rest of our lives because we retired his coach.

Speaker 2 Oh, I forgot about that.

Speaker 1 That was this week. That was Saturday.
No, that was this week. We talked about that on Sunday.
That was this week. I'm trying to move on to the next one.

Speaker 8 I will say, I was just talking about it to Rudy on camera, and I said said it. We talked about it on Sunday, but

Speaker 8 and it said into me instantly the second we left the stadium. But there is a big difference between your team losing.
There's like the stages of grief.

Speaker 8 It's maybe a few days, and then you move on, and then it's like, all right, we got next year, we got the future, we got everything going.

Speaker 8 This loss was different because for the rest of time, whenever I'm happy, whenever anything goes good in my life, whenever I'm feeling good or like something, you know, patriots, Celtics, whatever it may be, I just know that this guy to my right, Daniel Katz, is going going to just, at any chance he gets, be like, hey, remember when we killed Coach K in the Final Four and UNC beat Duke in their last two games?

Speaker 8 And it's just going to bring me down. So that, I'm actually, I'll actually set it instantly, and it just, it's, every time I think about it, it's a downer.

Speaker 1 Right now, here and now, Henry, someday when you decide to get married to some fine woman,

Speaker 1 I will make sure that my gift is a commemorative, like,

Speaker 1 framed plaque of that game.

Speaker 2 That's very nice.

Speaker 2 It's very nice. Guaranteed.

Speaker 1 Maybe signed by Coach K

Speaker 1 and Mickey Shyszewski.

Speaker 8 And then I do also like, I'm just moving apartments because I feel like Archerfest are, yeah, my apartment doesn't have AC again.

Speaker 2 You can buy an AC, like a window unit.

Speaker 8 My window doesn't really have that type of window.

Speaker 2 You don't have the capabilities to

Speaker 1 high up?

Speaker 8 No, I just, it's not like a, it's a, it's a long window.

Speaker 2 You're talking about a door.

Speaker 1 You got, you got a

Speaker 1 sliding door. I don't have a normal square window.

Speaker 8 It's not like floor to ceiling either. It's just probably like, you know, skinny, like maybe

Speaker 1 four feet in length.

Speaker 8 I'm on the third floor.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, penthouse?

Speaker 1 No, there's six floors.

Speaker 8 I'm in the middle.

Speaker 1 What's the plan here? Are you going to move again?

Speaker 8 I'm going to move. Jersey City has been real, but it's just not.

Speaker 2 Wow, it's just so.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you're no different than Shaheen Holloway. Yeah, no.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 So you get a little bit of success, and then you're out the door. Now, Hank, is the sliding door thing that you have? I used to sell portable air conditioners.

Speaker 2 I can set you up with one that might fit that door. How many square feet is the room?

Speaker 1 I don't fucking know.

Speaker 2 Probably at least 14,000 BTUs. Definitely not.

Speaker 8 I think my apartment's like 600 square feet total.

Speaker 1 Is this because now that you're corporate, you can't be seen in Jersey City? No, it ain't nothing. Are you moving to Jersey City?

Speaker 8 It's my building. It's my building.

Speaker 1 Are you sure?

Speaker 8 I'm positive.

Speaker 1 Are you moving to Westchester? I'm not.

Speaker 7 I'm going to stay in Jersey somewhere.

Speaker 1 Corporate Hank's going to Greenwich, Connecticut.

Speaker 2 Hanks moving to Trump Tower.

Speaker 8 But the other thing, you guys know, you know, I love the summer. Summer is my time of year.
I love living on the ocean. Big fan of boats.

Speaker 8 And Blake Bortles recently got cut from, or he chose to leave. Is that what we're going with?

Speaker 1 No, that's actually what happened.

Speaker 2 He said, you know what?

Speaker 2 I'm going to spread my wings elsewhere.

Speaker 8 So the Saintson, Andy Dalton, and Blake decided to leave. And Addison Ray, who's just a content creator,

Speaker 8 great Twitter personality, has really interesting tweets.

Speaker 2 You should follow her. Does she have any other jobs?

Speaker 2 She's a TikToker.

Speaker 8 She's a brand whatever representative. She's a movie star.
She's all that. She's a journalist.
She was all that. She was a journalist for UFC.
Yep.

Speaker 8 So more accomplished than you, PFT. I don't know what that type of company is.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 8 But she tweeted, and I saw it on my timeline. It just said we need to appreciate boats more.
And

Speaker 8 coming from a dual action boat appreciator, both Blake Bortles and

Speaker 1 Aquatic. I'm not buying a boat.

Speaker 2 This is a very long way of Hank explaining that he's not horny.

Speaker 8 And PFT bonked me and publicly tweeted and was like, oh, I'm bonking you for liking a tweet. And that was just too much.
From the guy that's

Speaker 8 saying that I don't jack off in memes is like coming at me for being too horny. I don't know why I was catching those straights.

Speaker 2 I don't think I'm constantly saying that. I think I said it one time off camera in a private moment.
That was on PMTV.

Speaker 1 It was on PM TV.

Speaker 1 He said, I'm not horny.

Speaker 2 It was on PM TV. Now, Hank has successfully steered steered this conversation towards me.

Speaker 1 Where's the Fire Fest?

Speaker 1 Well, this is. I'm just out here trying to appreciate boats.
I'm lost.

Speaker 1 Hank is just delivering a monologue.

Speaker 1 A monologue saying that he's not horny. What does that have to do with you moving?

Speaker 1 Well, I didn't want to make my Fire Fest every week about my apartment sucking, so I didn't do that.

Speaker 8 I didn't mention that. I chose the other Fire Fest because

Speaker 7 safety's bonking me.

Speaker 1 Got it. Got it.
Okay.

Speaker 8 Side note: I do hate my apartment, and I'm moving.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 8 That's not my Fire firefest. I don't want to just be an apartment complainer.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah, no.

Speaker 2 No, those people suck. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, PFT, what's your firefest?

Speaker 2 Well, my apartment just jacked up my rent, so I'm moving back in, signed the official lease, although I did negotiate them down $100 a month just for the record.

Speaker 2 But no, my real fire fest is that my body is now fully recovered from New Orleans. But isn't it? But it's not yet.

Speaker 2 I'm of the mindset that you know how underwater divers, when they work on places to weld super far beneath the ocean surface, they come back up to surface and they spend like three days in a decompression chamber before they go out into the real world or else their body like literally explodes.

Speaker 2 There needs to be a city that's maybe adjacent to New Orleans that you go to to ease yourself back into the real world.

Speaker 1 Well, I was saying, because my fire press is that I just have not recovered and I just, my body is in shambles and I just can't, I have no bounce back whatsoever anymore.

Speaker 1 But I I was thinking that we need to have legalized, like, you can be put into a coma for a few days. Yeah, no.
Because then I won't eat. Like, put me in a situation.
Yeah, put me in a coma.

Speaker 1 I won't eat. I'll get some sleep.
I'll wake up. And I'll be like, maybe, maybe even get that

Speaker 1 when someone gets in a really bad tackle and

Speaker 1 they cool their core, cool my core down, put me in a refrigerator for an entire week, and then let me come out of that and be like, all right, you've lost 15 quick pounds. You slept for a week.

Speaker 2 You're ready to go. So yeah, I agree.
I just think that there should be one location that's known as this like in-between reintroducing you to society place.

Speaker 2 Maybe that spot in Arizona where they keep all the frozen heads. Yeah.
Ted Williams head.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're knocked over.

Speaker 2 Yeah, maybe they have just like a JV version of the cryo chambers where they temporarily freeze you for just like four days.

Speaker 1 That like reintroduction into society is so hard. On Wednesday, I woke up, felt like shit, still feel like shit.
But like, I had had that momentary thought.

Speaker 1 I was walking my son to school, and I was like, man, you know, it'd be great is if I could just crack a beer on the street here and just stand on the street.

Speaker 5 Like, we were doing that on Sunday night.

Speaker 1 We were just standing in the street drinking beers. And it was like, and just talking with guys.
It was just like. We're just hanging out.
It's like, this is awesome.

Speaker 2 We were starting to use the word y'all.

Speaker 1 We were just like getting in the street.

Speaker 2 Getting really into New Orleans. Yeah, it was just like the vibe of it.
Maybe we just,

Speaker 1 it's that feeling you have after a bachelor party when like the Monday or Tuesday and you get that little lull, the depression where you're like, well, it would be so sick if we just, if I just could live with all my best friends.

Speaker 1 And like you realize that's not real life, but you have that moment where you just want to go back. And yeah, I've been struggling with that all week.

Speaker 1 And also I feel like a sausage that needs to be popped.

Speaker 2 So can I give you some advice? What's worked for me is, and this usually works for hangovers in general. Jerk it off? No, I don't do that.
Spicy soup. Spicy soup.

Speaker 2 Yes, I will prescribe soup for anything, but spicy soup, it makes you you sweat.

Speaker 2 And whenever I sweat anything, when I'm feeling bad, I know it's not medically true, but I feel like everything that I'm sweating out is all the stuff inside me that's making me feel bad in the first place.

Speaker 1 So it would put leeches on you. It would work for me normally, but specifically for New Orleans,

Speaker 1 the thing I'm struggling with so much is that I just took in so much salt that I just need to...

Speaker 1 Like I was, at the end of that trip, we went out to dinner on that Monday night, and I was eating gumbo like it was a glass of water.

Speaker 1 It wasn't even, I I didn't even order gumbo as like part of the meal. It was more just like, oh, I'm gonna eat the gumbo, and then I'll start the meal.

Speaker 2 No, yeah, gumbo was the table's entire like pre-appetite.

Speaker 1 It was, yeah, it was like, it was, it was, it wasn't even, it wasn't even like bread, it was like breadsticks.

Speaker 1 You know, when they drop off breadsticks, and it's like one sliver of a breadstick that does nothing for you. That's what gumbo was.
I couldn't even get high off gumbo.

Speaker 2 Fortunately for us, we have, we live in the best gumbo city in America. That's true.
New York City and Manhattan specifically. Jersey City's gumbo is a little too spicy for me.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like the New York City gumbo. I actually posted a picture of just, I don't know if you saw it, but last night I said I was going through gumbo withdrawals.

Speaker 2 So I posted a picture of the shittiest looking like clear water and boiled chicken and rotini noodles. And I was like, made my own roux tonight.
How's it look?

Speaker 2 The entire city of New Orleans got triggered by it.

Speaker 2 I'll put the mayo in next time. But yeah, we are, I think as a podcast.

Speaker 1 You love trolling food, Twitter.

Speaker 2 I do. It's the best.
We're all like finally approaching normal on this podcast.

Speaker 2 I feel like Monday will all be back. You know what it's going to be?

Speaker 1 I'm at 65%.

Speaker 2 It's going to be the Masters nap this weekend. It's a great conflict.

Speaker 1 Keep weeking back. Yeah, no, it is.
I'm very excited to hang out with my family and just chill. But yeah, no, I'm 65%.

Speaker 1 Tuesday, I was like five. Wednesday, I was maybe like 25.
So I've had a nice bounce back, but I'm not there.

Speaker 2 I got another Group Fire Fest for us. We all followed an anonymous hot tip and put money on Siwoo Kim because we were told that he should be the odds-on-favorite to win the masters.

Speaker 1 One of the dumbest messages ever sent, the guy said his numbers say that C. Woo Kim should actually be minus 140.

Speaker 1 I pointed out that Peak Tiger, the greatest golfer of all time, at his absolute best, was like plus 200 to win

Speaker 1 major tournaments. And he's got CW Kim at minus 140 in his calculations.

Speaker 1 He's not going to make the cut.

Speaker 2 See Wu Kim's like four over right now?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's not going to make the cut.

Speaker 2 So I looked him up this morning because I wanted to find out more about him before I drove over to New Jersey to place the bet.

Speaker 2 This is a guy that I was very excited to root for. Number one, they call him the Seoul streaker because he's from Seoul, South Korea.
Yep.

Speaker 2 So last year at the Masters, he finished tied for 12th, but he did that without a putter on the back nine because he got so mad that he snapped his putter

Speaker 2 and threw it away. This is a guy that I was born to root for.
Turns out he stinks.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, well.
Oh, well. Good tip.
Got to take it. Billy, what's your your fire fest?

Speaker 9 So I took the brick of cash to the bank yesterday,

Speaker 9 and you know, they were counting it all out, and it came out to $2,049.

Speaker 7 So you lost a dollar? I don't know where the dollar went. The system has

Speaker 7 to do with it.

Speaker 1 I feel bad for you.

Speaker 9 So then I was like, I had to give him a dollar from my pocket.

Speaker 7 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Which isn't that bad.

Speaker 9 But it was like crazy. I was like, where the hell did that $1 go?

Speaker 2 Wait, you had a dollar on you? I thought you didn't like cash.

Speaker 1 Wait, you had a dollar on you? And that was probably wondering where the dollar went? Well, the dollar.

Speaker 1 I think we got to the bottom of this no the follow that one the dollar was in my wallet right the brick of cash was a brick of cash right anyway so i don't know where that dollar went and uh my knees are shot they just hurt no billy you don't get to do that you're still too young my knees hurt no you don't get to and you weren't in new orleans yeah you and you weren't in new orleans you don't get to see my knees

Speaker 1 i hate to be the guy who's like you're not old but you're not then why do my knees hurt because it's raining true that's always how it goes tore them a couple times.

Speaker 2 You probably haven't been squatting recently either.

Speaker 9 No, I haven't. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 I don't think you have.

Speaker 2 Did you hear how defensive you got right there? Because I've been squatting.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 2 It sounds like cap to me.

Speaker 1 You're good, Billy. You're still a fucking peak athlete.
How old are you? 24? 23. Student.
You just turned.

Speaker 1 You got your prime in front of you.

Speaker 2 Your body's got like four more cycles to go through before your joints actually start hurting.

Speaker 1 No, seriously, peak athleticism is like, what, 27, 28? I was out there.

Speaker 2 We were talking about that the other day. I think 27 is when I can say I peaked athletically.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so you're good, Billy. Jake, finish this off.

Speaker 11 Very low peak. Yeah, my Firefest actually involves you guys.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 11 So last week, we were at Hogs for the Cause down in New Orleans. We were enjoying.
Can we leave you there?

Speaker 1 No. Oh,

Speaker 1 no.

Speaker 1 You could have totally said, like, you guys just left without me. And I'd be like, whoops.
Yeah. It was a mess there.
Yeah.

Speaker 11 A good mess. No, it was a lot of fun.

Speaker 1 Great cause.

Speaker 11 And we were drinking some margaritas responsibly, and PFT and a bunch of others just

Speaker 16 started telling me that there was THC in it. And I started freaking out.

Speaker 11 I'm like, wow, it's the night before the Final Four and I'm just going to be paranoid.

Speaker 16 Gonna be panicking the rest of the night. You're gonna be so hungo for the games, yeah.
Not even hung over, just like, damn, this is the night before the Final Four.

Speaker 11 I'm gonna be just... Bugging out, sitting in the hotel room, can't do anything.

Speaker 2 You need to have mental clarity.

Speaker 8 What if you don't get unhigh?

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 3 Like tip-off happens, and it's like, what if you just been

Speaker 1 tipped and it won't come down? Like, I don't know.

Speaker 11 Yeah, but it was like 20 minutes of panicking until I found out you guys are just busting my balls.

Speaker 1 It was a good prank.

Speaker 7 It was a good prank.

Speaker 2 We got everybody involved.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't have done that just because I wasn't. I appreciate it.
Yeah.

Speaker 16 Hank and Liam and TFT were part of that.

Speaker 1 I would have said it was heroin. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was great, though, because Jake was like, he was asking me all these questions. Like, how is my body going to handle this? What should I be prepared for?

Speaker 2 I guess somebody told him I had experience in that for some reason.

Speaker 2 And so I was like walking him through, and he was like, I'm just going to have to, like, sit down and just, like, stare straight ahead and just try to keep it together for the next couple hours.

Speaker 2 So I was like, Jake, you can do it.

Speaker 1 Let me know if you need it.

Speaker 14 Plus, like, we were there representing the company.

Speaker 5 I didn't want to like

Speaker 1 the grapevine, you were fucked up. Yeah.

Speaker 16 Wasted.

Speaker 1 Irresponsibly.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so, I mean, Dave was saying on the live stream, he's like, I like Jake, but like, every time I see him, that kid's just messed up.

Speaker 2 And so we can't have him on live streams because he'll just say whatever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he said to me, he pulled me aside and he was like,

Speaker 1 when I say we're going to take Barstroul to the moon, why does Jake take that literally every day? I was like, I don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 4 But it was a good prank.

Speaker 1 Worked out. Yep.
Here we are.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Love it.

Speaker 2 It was fun. It was all good fun, Jake.

Speaker 1 Yeah, all good.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Numbers.

Speaker 1 And good luck this weekend on all your masters bets and whatnot. I'm going to take with Scott Manbone.

Speaker 1 67.22.

Speaker 2 In honor of par for Bryson. The usual.

Speaker 1 You have to say it for it to count. You can't.

Speaker 12 Because,

Speaker 1 like, it's a played-out joke, so you have to keep doing it. I know.
Yeah, you can't be like the usual.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make you say 69 every time.

Speaker 1 It's been three years.

Speaker 1 Two years. You have not.
Oh, you got it once. Yeah.

Speaker 12 I got it three times.

Speaker 1 He kept it in his barn for seven months.

Speaker 1 No. 86.
Oh my god.

Speaker 1 86.

Speaker 1 All right. See everyone Monday.

Speaker 9 Dingoes are descendants of domesticated dogs brought by Aboriginal peoples.

Speaker 2 Love you guys.

Speaker 2 Shy away.

Speaker 1 No, I'll be coming for your love of kick. Shy away.

Speaker 1 No, I'll be coming for your love of kick. Take on

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Take me

Speaker 1 up.

Speaker 1 Take on

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Take me

Speaker 1 up.

Speaker 1 I'll be gone.

Speaker 1 Ready to love you

Speaker 1 Shy

Speaker 1 though I'll be coming from your lover

Speaker 1 Shy

Speaker 1 I'll be coming from your lover

Speaker 1 Though I've become your lover

Speaker 1 Needless to say,

Speaker 1 I've already said it's about being stoned away.

Speaker 1 So you love

Speaker 1 yourself and stay after me.

Speaker 1 No, it's no better to be saved than Simon. Stay after me.

Speaker 1 No, it's no better to be saved than Simon. Take

Speaker 1 on me.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 off.

Speaker 1 Take on me. me,

Speaker 1 take

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 I'll be gone.

Speaker 1 Who is the heartbeat?

Speaker 1 All the things that you say,

Speaker 1 just to play my worries away.

Speaker 1 You all things I've got to in that way.

Speaker 1 Shy and away.

Speaker 1 Well, I'll be coming for you anyway.

Speaker 1 Well, I'll be coming for you anyway.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 on me,

Speaker 1 take

Speaker 1 me up.

Speaker 1 I'll be gone.

Speaker 1 I'll be gone.

Speaker 1 What a begun

Speaker 1 day