Brooks Koepka, Play In Games Night 1, NHL Playoffs, And Uncle Chaps Reads Roasts

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, we have our good, good friend, best friend, Brooks Koepka, head of the PGA Championship, his new goatee. A bad picture that was taken of him on Tuesday, we discuss it all.
We have the NBA play-in game, night one.

Stanley Cup playoffs are still going on. Hot seat, cool thrown.
Kwame Brown has basically changed his entire, I don't know, good name in the course of a day and a half of Instagram lives. You know what he did? He reclaimed his name.
Yeah, he reclaimed his name.

I think he proved it.

Yeah.

And then we have our good friend, Uncle Chaps, on the show to do some listener roasts and

some motivation from big time Tommy.

Okay.

Before we get to all that.

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Okay, let's go. Boy! Boy! Now in the street there is violence And then a lot of work can be done No place to hang out or wash in And then I can't be all on the sun Oh no We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Oh we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue It's Pardon My Take presented by Barstool Sports Welcome to Pardon Pardon My Take.
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See AHS.com slash contracts for coverage details, limitations, and exclusions. The May 19th and the Washington Wizards have been eliminated from the playoffs not true oh shit not true you almost you almost happy the play yeah no they they lost tonight to the celtics to hank celtics so they've earned the right um the loser plays the one seed which is the indiana pacers who scored like 170 points tonight yeah the hornets did not want to show up i'm i am.
I've decided I'm not going to be Mr. No Fun.
I'll just let the playing game happen. I'm not going to tweet that this is stupid.
I'm just going to sit here and be right in my silence because this was stupid. So I agree it was stupid.
It was very stupid. The Hornets didn't want to play.
Steve A. Smith voice.
However, if they were two close games, you'd be like, the play-in game was the best idea ever. Right, but I had the take before, and I mean, yeah.
I still would have probably said it was stupid. Either way, Jason Tatum is awesome.
He's a play-in legend. 50-burger.
Is he play-in Tates? He might be. Play-in T? Yeah, and well, that was it.
That's all the play-in that you'll get if you're a Celtics fan. That was it.
They're now in.

They are in.

And then Russell Westbrook.

That's unnecessary.

End of the season.

Triple-double.

And holy fuck did he suck.

I really do think it is.

This is one of those things.

I know he wears the sleeves almost all the time, I think, at this point of his career.

But it's like a fat reliever. When a fat reliever comes in and he does well, he is powerful.
When he does poorly, he's fat. When Russell Westbrook puts up a triple-double with sleeves on, it's cool.
It's awesome. When he comes in and he shoots like four for 16, it's like, dude, why you got sleeves on? He looked like a defensive back from the late 80s when they would rock all the elbow pads and stuff.
It doesn't look comfortable. I feel like that would mess up your shot a little bit, but it's Russell Westbrook.
He probably knows better than I do. Bradley Beal didn't play that great either.
Just not a great showing. The Wizards are not built for the play-ins, the regular season team.
But we do get another game of play-in basketball in Washington. It's like double playoffs.
I'm looking right now. The Wizards going three for 21 from three.
That's something in the NBA because everyone can make shots in the NBA. So that was probably, besides Tatum, Tatum's 50 burger was the top line of the night.
And then three for 21 from three is the secondary line of, oof, that's up. I also think anytime Robin Lopez is your go-to guy, you're probably not going to win that game.
He's doing some post moves on everyone's ass. Robin Lopez is playing above 32 minutes a game.
I don't know what the sabermetrics are on that, but for the course of his career, you probably are losing a good 65% of those games. Yeah.
I just thought it was a little bit classless on Boston's part. They were out there throat-punching, scraping necks.
Burton's almost got killed out there. It was like Richard Zednick.
It didn't even stop the game. The Wizards didn't even call a timeout.
One of their own guys was basically choking out on the floor. He was.
He was dying. He basically grazed the guy's hand and fell down.
I think Bertans has, is it Bertans? Bertans? I think he's got hemophilia. The disease that the Kings have, because his neck just turned all sorts of red afterwards.
Yeah, he looked like he got in a fight with a cat. Yeah.
Which I, if I had gotten in a fight with a cat, we all know. Throat punch.
Would have killed it, grabbed it by its tail, windpipe. Is the game tonight tonight or did they get another day off? They get another day off.
Thursday night. Yeah, Thursday night.
So tonight is the Lakers-Warriors game at 10 p.m. I have a solution, Big Cat.
Mike Greenberg's dumb rule. All the playing games happen on one night.
So you've got to play two games. Oh, I like that.
Okay, perfect. I like that.
At AAU. Yeah, an afternoon game and a night game.
Yeah. That would break YouTube.

I, boys. Like us.
So, it's playoff season. I'm, like, trying to work myself back.
You know, like, when it comes to this podcast and just sports watching seasons, football season, we're so locked in. And it's, like, every night, late nights.
Then you get March Madness. Same thing.
College basketball. there was an elongated gap this year because of the late starting playoffs where I got into a nice rhythm of like, hey, I might go to sleep at 930 tonight.
This is nice. Catch up on little Zs.
So I'm out of rest. I'm out of shape in that respect.
I thought about doing this. I don't know if I'm going to.
You guys can make fun of me. I was thinking about watching the first half of the Warriors-Lakers tomorrow night and then DVR-ing the second half and watching it when I wake up.
You're halfway to being Mike Greenberg. No, that's Tony Kornheiser.
Kornheiser is for sure. Greenberg, I think he has his PAs that cut it up and then have the highlights ready to go.
I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.
But the thought crossed my mind and I think that's the first step of just being like, I have now fully given up. I don't think that you'd have the same takes, though.
Like, the blood flows differently at night when you're watching the games. If you do it, what you have to do is you have to live tweet it the next morning as you're watching it live and just say, like, no spoilers, please.
Okay, so maybe I'll do that. Because I do wake up at 7 a.m., so that's exactly what I'll do.
If only there was a place where games could end earlier, and for the people that wake up early, they start a little bit earlier, too. Hawaii? I'm talking about California.
Oh, okay. We do have some expert analysis coming in for tomorrow night's game.
What do you guys think? Do you think it's going to be the Steph Curry show? Sure. Neither team gets eliminated, and both teams will beat the Spurs or the Grizzlies.
So here's what's going to happen. Skip Bayless predicts, I expect Steph Curry, hounded by two or three Lakers every possession, to go two of 14 from three tomorrow night at Staples.
And I expect the Lakers to win by 20. So that's expert level, Skip.
And that would be great for me because I'll just go to sleep. Getting ahead of the story.
way when the lakers win by 14 skip bayless already thinks that lebron james is a disappointment

this playoff season that's true that's true he didn't live up to the expectations so all right

so playing game night one um we have stanley cup playoffs are still going on or still like the

first round the regular season is still going on the regular season is still going on there's

actually a game today at one o'clock but the bruins in the hank just snuck a fry with the mic on

Thank you. They're still like the first round.
The regular season is still going on. The regular season is still going on.
There's actually a game today at 1 o'clock. But the Bruins and the...
Hank just snuck a fry with the mic on. The Bruins and Caps played another overtime game.
And I have a question for you, fellas. Is it better to go to overtime, maybe go to double overtime, have that like, holy shit, this game will never end, or have what happened in game two, overtime starts, goal right away, see ya.
What happened in game two? Yeah. Easily, easily, because...
I literally missed it taking a shit. I'm not joking.
I came out and I was like, oh. Oh, okay, it's over.
I was kind of upset. It does suck for a second, because waited that 20 minutes in between periods.
And then you kind of, I think game two for the Caps Bruins was a little too quick. If you could get like four minutes because then you're like, there was a little bit of an overtime.
It was just boom. I'm honestly fine with that because the longer it goes on.
Watching overtime hockey, we talk about it all the time. It sucks if one of your teams is involved.
I would rather have it just be over early. That way I don't even get like an expectation that, hey, maybe we might win.
I don't have a shot that like hits off the post. And then I'm like, if that had just gone a quarter inch to the other side, we would have won that game.
There's no looking back. It's like, okay, it's basically just a loss at this point.
What I don't like is first roundround overtime hockey playoff games because you constantly think to yourself, you have so many more of these series to get through, and we're already playing extra hockey. It's a slog.
The guy wins one Stanley Cup, and all of a sudden he's just looking past every game. You do have to build up.
It's about the ride. You can't lose all your energy and use all of your mojo, karma, rooting energy on a first-round series.
Yes. Yeah, but sometimes it takes a few overtime wins for a team to find its mojo and then they keep it rolling versus if they dominate 4-0 sweep and then all of a sudden they get fucked second round.
Yeah. So for the hockey fans out there, we will have the Chicka guys are going to be in the office, I think, this week.
So we'll have Biz on on Sunday, and then we'll have Whitney on throughout the playoffs as well. So don't worry.
The one thing that I think I'm out of practice because last year was so weird and we had like NBA playoffs and hockey playoffs going on during football season starting. So it was like football's king.
We're not arguing this. I did not miss the annual springtime tradition of hockey and basketball Twitter and everyone being really annoying, being like, how are you not watching this hockey game? How are you not watching this basketball game? Hey, guess what, guys? I got some news for you.
I have multiple TVs. Oh, sick brag.
I mean, it's true. Hank, you also have multiple TVs? Three? Confirmed.
Three. I like both sports.
You're going to ask me how many TVs I have? Do you have two? I have multiple screens. Okay.
Congrats on having your laptop open. I have many screens.
Your TV is smarter than you, too. What do you mean? The ESPN Plus.
Yeah, that's true. Your TV is smarter than you.
I'm in a mental chess match against several apps and just against Google Airplay. It's not going well.
I'm losing in straight shots. Let's say even I didn't.
Let's say I was a Neanderthal and only had one screen. Call it PFT.
It couldn't be me. No, no.
He's confirmed. He's confirmed.
No, he said screens, Hank. It's okay to like both sports.
I'm going to start that. I'm going to start that trend.
You can like both sports. You can like playoffs in both.
Yeah, it's okay. Just because you're a hockey guy doesn't have to be like, why the fuck would you watch NBA playoffs? Just because you're an NBA guy doesn't mean you have to say hockey's the worst sport ever.
You can like both sports at the same time. I like whichever sport I'm currently watching at that point.
That's the sport I like more. And then when I go back, I like that other sport more.
It's a novel idea. You know what we need need to do we need to unionize the like both sports crew because we get we get completely washed away by the diehards on either side this is actually i'm fixing america if you're just really paying attention the people in the middle who are basically saying hey i kind of just like sports stand up for yourself say it's okay when you see someone attacking you saying how you're not the ads versus the wild? Guess what, dude? I am, or maybe I'm watching a basketball game.
It's better at this moment. It's okay to live in the middle.
It's okay. But sometimes, it's the people that are on the farthest degrees to the opposite sides that are the loudest.
Yeah. And they have the takes that get heard the most.
I also just love the, one last thing about this, I love the idea of a diehard hockey guy who loves hockey, playoff hockey so much or basketball. They love their sports so much, they spend the entire game policing people on Twitter tweeting about the other sport.
That's how you can tell. You should actually be watching the game.
You're so locked in. What about the guy that's tweeting about baseball? Yeah, we call that a carabas.
Imagine that that If you were just tweeting About baseball during these games Like you would just get it From all of us Guess what I watched the Cubs game Tonight too Oh you know what It's fucking crazy You know what's fucking Back right now Yeah We've got time lapse season We've got floor changes We've got floor changes I wish that the Rangers Had made it to the playoffs If Tom Wilson Didn't own their franchise and drive them out of the league because the MSG, the Mecca floor change, that is really the one that I'm looking forward to the most. When that comes back.
But speaking of Tom Wilson, Hank, would you like to apologize for what you've done to my sweet boy? And how he gets all these calls against him all the time. He got called for embellishment when you hooked him.
You shoved a stick up his ass. You did that, Hank? And you dragged him down.
And you did that? What needs to happen is we need to give Tom Wilson positive reinforcement, I think. Who's we? He's gotten so much negative reinforcement.
We as a society, Hank, if you're a real hockey fan, then you would know that what Tom Wilson does is he plays the game the right way. He plays it hard.
He plays aggressively like they used to back in the day. But the negative stuff, the negative reinforcement hasn't worked on it.
It's got to go. I would say I would do it like de Blasio does.
He gets shake-shacked for every time he doesn't hit a guy in the face with a stick. And it's gotten to the point where now our guys are getting hit in the face with sticks, and they're getting penalties for it because of Tom Wilson's reputation.
You feel good about yourself, Hank? You should feel bad about yourself. Blame your ownership.
Blame your GM. Maybe get him off the team.
You literally just admitted that having him on your team is putting a target on your other good players. Yeah, but that's fine.
Sometimes you have to have a target if you want to play with a chip on your shoulder. So I can't tell.
Do you want a target or do you want a target? I would like some fairness from the NHL. I'm about to issue a statement.
But then you have no chip on your shoulder. I'm about to write up a statement decrying the horrific acts of violence that have befallen upon our sweet Tom Wilson and castigating the league for the lack of attention.
It's not fair. Jake, sorry about your Panthers going down 0-2.
Sorry, long series. Well, 2-0.
Yeah, but that was home, so no, it won't be.

It was Rowdy and Sunrise tonight.

Lightning will probably, they'll finish that off.

Yeah, sweep.

Sawgrass Mills vibe.

Awesome first game.

First game was just like fights, goals, fights, goals.

When a hockey game just is played wide open end to end and just guys are fucking flying around that is now i'm sounding like hockey guy that is really the best that is the best um all right i have a mike greenberg's dumb rules and this will tell you just how stupid we are when it comes to hockey we're talking about this in the room um it might have been before you guys got in here actually it's me and jeff low we're watching the vegas gameLo? Jeff D'Lo. Okay.
Make sure you please say which one it is.

And we were talking about how scared the cap schoolie looks.

Anderson, the third string guy.

He's 40 years old.

Looks very out of his element.

He looks like – I feel bad for him because it looks like he knows that he's kind of put in an imposter situation.

And everybody else kind of realizes it at the same time. You can't expect anything out of this guy, but he can't escape it.
He has to be out there on the ice. Is there a rule that would prevent a team from just laying down all their players stomach to back, stomach to back, in front of the goal in the crease on defense? Well, maybe.
Maybe not. No, yeah, there's got to be a crease rule.
Is there? You can't do the big stack?

Yeah, I mean, this is kind of like the

I don't think it's a rule. I think it's more just the law of physics.

Yeah, or get a sumo wrestler

to sit in the goal.

There's that, but I don't think the sumo wrestler

could cover up the entire surface area of the goal.

But if you had everybody just going

laying down on each other's backs.

What happens when they just start ripping slap shots at him?

It's playoff hockey. You've got to block some shots.
Sacrifice your body for the team. That would suck.
For 60 minutes? No, we were talking about it in an end-of-game situation. Yeah, park the bus.
Yeah, kind of how there was that NBA Reddit thread of why don't players just hold hands and form a circle around Steph Curry and then walk down the court and he gets an open shot every time? Which I still don't know a reason why that wouldn't work. Still doesn't make any sense.
It should absolutely work. Just have a guys meeting in the crease.
Why not? Yeah. All right.
Well, quick word for us about the shout-out to Tony La Russa, who is keeping – he is the last bastion of unwritten rules in baseball. So if you missed it, Yermin Mercedes hit a home run in a 14-5 game with a position player pitching 47 miles an hour off a 3-0 pitch.
And obviously, everyone was like, that was sick. I would do the same thing if I were him.
Why not get your stats? Tony La Russa said that's wrong. He told them to take the pitch, and he said he's going to have to deal with that with the family.
Yeah, he said. La Cosa Nostra.
So what he said was he made a mistake. There will be a consequence he has to endure here within our family.

It sounds like he wants to spank him.

I think Tony La Russa thinks that he's their father.

Yes.

Yes.

I just want to remind people, because I saw the public outcry against Tony La Russa,

and I get it, but I want to remind people, if you chase off every single guy who is holding up the unwritten rules, eventually society will crumble. You need the old guy yelling at Clouts.
You need the Tony La Russa being like, that was Bush League for his own team. Because then we can have the counterbalance of shut up Tony La Russa, this is fun.
Yeah, Tony La Russa, he serves kind of as an ombudsman for his own team. It doesn't sound like he's their manager.
It just sounds like he's taking the side of the opponent. I do agree with you about if you don't have Tony La Russa doing that, then we don't have a lot to talk about in baseball between May and late July.
I'm also very excited for Tony. The White Sox are very good, and so Tony La Russa, he could win AL Manager of the Year.
Which would be so funny. I'm just going to take it one step further.
Could you blame Tony La Russa for sending his players out there to bat in a game? Isn't he kind of showing up the opponent? Because what he could have done, he could have forced them to bat out of order. Then you get an out, and then the other team can be on their merry little way.
Or they all should have just bunted and not ran to first base. That's also kind of showing up, though, if you bunt.
You've got to be careful when you bunt, too. Wait for rain.
It's on Tony. You can get your team out of that mess.
And also, I happen to notice, so they're up 12 games on the Twins right now, and yet LaRusso fielded a team tonight, just running up the score in the division on them. Do you know what they should do? They should let all the bullpen hit in these situations.
So if a team puts in a position player, then the other team has to respond with only pitchers batting. That would be cool.
How do you think that conversation went with Tony? Do you think he was like, hey, don't do that? He probably waited. He probably woke up the next day and was like, wait, what happened? Oh, yeah, okay, that was bad.
Yeah, wait, somebody explain it to me. But I feel like...
This is the night getting. I was on many drinks by then.
I feel like Mercedes is going to be like, well, I'm not going to not swing because baseball is a stats game and when it comes time for his next contract, you home runs correct you want to hit home runs correct in Major League Baseball because then you get more money which can then be exchanged for goods and services yes and property yes so I feel like if I'm in Mercedes position what I would do I would be like sure sure dad okay yep I'll never do it again I promise yes and And then just do it again. And Mercedes is also one of those guys.
He was in the minor leagues forever. Like, I think he's a 28-year-old rookie.
And let's be clear. Tony doesn't really have a great track record in controlling Mercedes.
Correct. That's true.
That one was on a T. Do you think he wouldn't be a Mercedes guy? I could

see him driving like a

mom, like a Lexus

RX. An old Mercedes.

Yeah, maybe. Or maybe a Volvo

because he's like, guess what? This thing

could get beat up.

It's like when a

parent has a really irresponsible kid,

they go to the dealership, they're like, I just

want something that if he crashes, if he's out driving drunk. And it volvo yeah it's a volvo maybe a subaru yeah it's just a fucking four-door volvo the biggest truck he can find yeah don't worry about it i feel like no tony's definitely got he's got one like everyday driver which is beat up it's got dents in every panel then he's got, like, the restoration car that he works on occasionally on weekends.

And he's like, I hit a deer.

It's like, what?

You hit a deer?

Like, dude, like, we're in Chicago. Like, what? Yeah, I hit a deer.
All right. Last up before we get to Hot Seat Cool Throne, Kwame Brown.
Kwame Brown needs a shout out. So if you've missed it, Stephen Jackson, Gilbert Arenas,

or Gilbert Arenas went on Stephen Jackson and Matt Barnes. shout out.
So if you've missed it, Steven Jackson,

Gilbert Arenas, or Gilbert Arenas

went on Steven Jackson and Matt Barnes

podcast called All the Smoke.

They basically

made fun of Kwame Brown. Kwame Brown,

who I feel like we haven't heard from for a very

long time, and if you

forget who Kwame Brown is, he was the first

pick in the draft. MJ

picked him. Basically, the story

goes that MJ was so hard on him

that he ruined him.

But when we say he ruined him, he still

had a 13-year NBA career. Made

$63 million. I think he averaged

like nine points a game. Like

six-ish. Not great.

Not like an outstanding NBA career, but

he lasted in the league. He made a lot of money.

Made a shitload of money. Lasted a long time.
As Kwame said, I put my mama on a golf course when I was 18 years old. 18 years old, so they made fun of him.
And then Kwame Brown, who has been the butt of a lot of jokes. Not from us for the record.
Not for us. We've never said a single bad word about Kwame Brown.
He decided to just crush everyone, including Stephen A. Smith who got involved in this and his Instagram lives he was just killing all of them in a hilarious way they all have basically I don't know if you saw but Matt Barnes and Stephen Jackson like tuck their tail and we're like hey sorry dude that was wrong of us.
Gilbert tucked his tail last night, too, and then this morning,

Kwame was like, me and Gilbert are okay, we hashed it out.

Gilbert's terrified of Kwame.

Dude.

Like, okay, Kwame might not have put up the most points.

He might not be a prolific scorer, but apparently he's just a badass,

and he's country strong.

So Gilbert posted.

He's a great screener.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that was the best part when Kwame Brown said,

you think I sucked, like, you guys all wanted Kobe to score.

We'll get back. So Gilbert posted.
He's a great screener. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, that was the best part. When Kwame Brown said, you think I sucked? Like, you guys all wanted Kobe to score.
Well, guess what? When he scored 81, who was setting all those picks? I was like, okay. He said, Kobe and I combined for 82 points.
And I set all those screens for him. Yes.
Some hard-ass screens. Yeah, Gilbert Arenas told this story on his Instagram comment.
He said, talking about Kwame Brown, he's like Holyfield in real life. I've got bodyguards.
I've seen bodyguards been put to sleep. It took 20 bodyguards to take him and his brother down inside a club.
Outside the club, it was six bodyguards, and then two picked three each to take on. Me and Larry Hughes looked at each other like, so you all don't need no help because I didn't lift today, so I'm not feeling all that strong.
So apparently they picked the wrong guy to fuck with. Yeah, and the happiest people in the world have to be Kwame Brown's kids right now because they're like, finally, dad's yelling at somebody else.
But this is like, I've never seen a quicker reversal of a guy's legacy than this. He basically went from the butt of everyone's joke, a bust in the eyes of he was the first overall pick, to, holy fuck, this guy doesn't fuck around and no one should fuck with him.
Yeah, it was great. In 24 hours.
So I don't think I've ever really seen Kwame Brown in front of the media at all. Besides one or two word answers in a post-game press conference.
I had no idea what his personality was until this morning. And now I'm addicted to his live streams.
And he's addicted to going live. So he's gone live, I think, seven or eight times since noon.
And what he's doing is he'll go live on his YouTube, and then he'll like all right i'm gonna shut this down and then i'm gonna go show steven a jack or steven jackson my mom's cooking on my uh ig live and then he'll go live on ig then flip back to youtube live he's addicted to the live life and honestly it's like it's about time for him i have no idea how he was able to hide this personality because right now you could take kwame brown and charles barkley put them in a truck because kwame brown's a real big truck selfie video guy oh my god he's going like 70 down this down the highway never fuck with a truck selfie guy no and so he's i you could put him like in comedian cars getting coffee except it's charles barkley and kwame brown talking about how youngsters these days have it so easy in the NBA.

Like, forget the TNT show, which is wonderful.

I think we can all agree.

There should at least be like 10 minutes a day of those two just going at it.

Yeah, or they should just have Kwame Brown on the TNT show and just be like,

hey, now let's just get really real.

Because what he said about Matt Barnes, you can't come back from.

When he was talking about Matt Barnes and Derek Fisher. He was talking about Matt Barnes' wife? He goes, you had a girl she chose.
Yeah, like Derek Fisher's your mentor. Like, what? He also was going at Stephen A.
Smith because Stephen A. Smith has said some bad things about Kwame Brown in the past.
And they asked, well, first of all, Kwame said Stephen A. Smith needs counseling and a toupee.
I mean, he's just fucking, every single second with this guy, he's got another one-liner. It's amazing.
And then Stephen A. Smith was asked to respond on Twitter.
And Stephen A. said, I will do no such thing.
I will not waste my time. That man is right.
He's been retired for years, yet all of us have been guilty of getting on him from time to time. He has every right to speak his mind.
Go for it. So Stephen A.
Smith tucked his tail into his giant pants, and he basically said, Yeah, Kwame, I will not reply to Kwame Brown except for this big statement replying to Kwame Brown. Perfect.
Perfectly put, Stephen A. Everyone is scared of him.
He basically is Omar coming like everyone just scattered when he started going on Instagram live. He's got huge old man energy, too.
He is the southernest person. Country strong.
Very, very country. He's the kind of guy that probably has the cleanest sidewalk in Georgia.
Yeah. Just like outside.
Perfectly manicured. Sweeping it up.
Yelling at kids on bikes. Yep.
Yep. So,

shout out to Kwame Brown. We don't want any smoke.

Alright, let's get to Hot Seat Cool Throne.

Wait, one last thing about Kwame Brown.

The funniest part of the situation was

he was talking about Steven Jackson. He was like,

Steven Jackson, meet me

in Seattle. Because

he goes, Seattle is a mutual

combat city. You don't need to sign

a waiver. Meet me up there and we'll

have it out. Like, that's a guy that, you don't

fuck with a guy that has a robust knowledge

I don't need to sign a waiver. Meet me up there, and we'll have it out.
That's a guy that you don't fuck with a guy that has a robust knowledge of which cities in America are mutual combat cities, which is a thing that apparently exists. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's the new Temecula.
No, in Seattle, if two people are fighting, the cops won't break it up. Really? Yeah, they'll let it happen.
Unless someone's getting actually hurt, they won won't You know how if there's two people fighting on a sidewalk

They'll arrest someone

Or they'll at least detain someone

In Seattle

If there's two people fighting on a sidewalk

And the cops come by

They'll just let it end

And then they walk away

How is that a thing I did not know about

I've spent a lot of time in Seattle

I haven't gotten into any mutual fights

I think there was a YouTube video where some MMA fighter

I'm sorry. end and then they walk away how is that a thing i did not know about yeah i've spent a lot of time in seattle yeah i haven't gotten into any mutual fights i think there was a youtube video where like some mma fighter was like going and basically picking fights and like fucking people up and was like all right this is bad is it that zone that they have the no this has been a while damn so yeah i guess steven jackson meet kwame brown in seattle perfect that's really the only way if you're steven jackson he prides himself on being kind of a hard dude, right? Not anymore.
That's the only way that you can get the respect back on your name is by, you better be in Seattle right now. And that means he should not get his respect back on his name, because he shouldn't do that.
I'm advising you, Stephen Jackson, do not do that. You do not want all the smoke.
No, you do not. And as Kwame said, the name of your podcast should be changed to i want maybe some of the smoke sometimes exactly perfectly all right let's get to who's uh hot seat cool drunk all protein bars generally taste the same but not one bars one made protein bars are actually delicious with reese's and hershey's only one reese's peanut butter lovers protein bar is made with reese's peanut butter and only one Hershey's.
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Hank, hot seat, cool trunk.

My hot seat is Philly, Philadelphia.

Wow.

Philadelphia.

That's wild stuff. Why? Did I steal that from you, PFT? No, this is all my cool wow philadelphia that's that's wild stuff why did i steal that from you pft no this is all my cool throne oh that's lit um philly was on the i don't know no i can just do water and goth yeah uh now that's paper philadelphia philadelphia was among it's yeah they were they were bad it's bad hank they.
They were one of three finalists to be Amazon's next headquarters, and basically because the guy that's going to be the CEO after Bezos steps down, he's a Giants fan, and he basically nixed it just off the fact that – Oh, I love it. Philly's trash.
I love it. There was an internal email that was like, me and my people would never want to live there.
I really like that. I like the fact that billionaires making the most complicated business decisions of all time, at the end of the day, sometimes it's just like, they're my rival.
Yeah. That city is my rival.
And Philadelphia is a beautiful city to live in. Right.
$5 billion projects. All just basically like, you're close, but the reason we didn't choose you was solely because our CEO, future CEO, is a Giants fan.
Maybe I'm just making this up. Maybe it's just recency bias because I feel like there was that big deal about Amazon maybe going to Queens, I want to say.
Is Amazon just saying we're going to build a new facility every other day? I think this might all be the same thing. There's a book that's coming out about Amazon, so this might be a retroactive story.
Got it. It's all around the same.
Because I feel like Amazon has- There's more details about the sweepstakes coming out. Ah, okay.
Because I was going to say, Amazon has figured out the perfect way to get cities to basically all bid for the lowest taxes and be like, hey, please, please, please watch. And then they can just be like, nah, fuck it.
We'll go somewhere else. They pretty much do Peyton Manning free agency tours.
It's crazy. Non-stop for themselves.

All I hear about is do Amazon.

They love being dated and having every single city in America have all the mayors spend like $250,000 putting together a proposal.

Just essentially like bending over for Amazon.

They're like, yeah, you know what?

I don't think we're going to move after.

Right.

It was from June 2018.

So the story, the book is coming out.

Makes sense.

The book is coming out. So it's just like salt in the wound for're from Philly.
You're like, oh, would have been great. My cool with the owner is Albert Pujols.
Okay. The Dodgers.
He's on the Dodgers. Yeah.
Crazy. I don't know why.
Yeah. Truly wild.
Truly seeing him in blue, just in general. Dodger blue.
Wild. It's really strange.
I don't know why the Dodgers, I guess they do have some injuries, but why? Why? Why? Why? I guess just as a draw, maybe? He was already there. I think it was a situation where he was like, oh, guys, my shit's already in L.A.
Yeah, can I just pop over and get a few ABs? Yeah. If you're not busy, maybe I can swim by.

I'm not going to move somewhere to play, but if you guys, you know,

I could be there in 20 minutes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like a hookup for him.

Yeah.

Okay.

Give me a call if you need, like, within 30 minutes of game time,

if there's an emergency situation, I'll show up, I'll step in the hole,

I'll take care of it.

But don't expect him at practice every day.

You got a hit, too.

Yeah.

Jorge Castillo on Twitter reminded everyone that he's the last active player from Backyard Baseball 2003. Damn.
That's crazy. How about that? Insane.
And wild. My hot seat is the 86 Mets because they no longer have the worst nosebleeds in the history of that franchise after last night when Pilar got drilled in the face.
Oh, yeah. That was 95 miles an hour, right off the beak.
He was leaking. That was a nice setup for that.
You like that? I didn't see that one. You like that? A little zig when you zag.
Yeah. Coke joke.
It was bad. It was, like, for a second, when you just saw, like, the blood pouring off his nose.
Actually, Frank the Tank had the best tweet about it. He goes, hopefully it's just a bloody nose.
Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know.
You saw the blood, so you know that at least he has a bloody nose. Yeah, but it was one of those things where you saw, like, 94 miles an hour show up on the score bug, the guys down on the ground, and he just pops up and walks off the field.
Yeah, he was fucked. Playoffs.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hockey tough. There was also a picture.
I saw a picture that someone, a photographer on down in like, you know, right by the dugout got a picture of basically the split second before he got hit in the face. Oh, no.
It was incredible. Do you like those? I know you like watching the interviews.
Yeah, I mean, it wasn't, the ball had not contacted him. His eyes were fully closed and it was just ready to fucking smash him.
He knew it was judgment day. Yeah.
Now, I think that there should be, like in instances like this, and especially in mixed martial arts, there should be a follow-up video or follow-up pictures that everyone is required to put out, like the day after an injury like that. Because today, he probably can't even see.
His eyes are probably just completely swollen shut. To go viral.
At this point, you could could get major major internet points for that tough ass dude though yeah i don't i would if if that happened to me if i took 94 to the face you just hear me screaming shoot me now i would kill me now i would never play baseball again yeah i did that when i threw out my back i just said kill me now can you imagine stepping back into the batter's box i got hit in like coach pitch and for a month I was like, I don't want to pick up a baseball bat. Yeah, I'm scared of this.
Yeah, this sucks. Also, prime opportunity.
I missed it for I love cocaine meme. Hand up.
I gotta do better than that. My cool throw was gonna be Philly, actually, because I know you said it was on your hot seat.
I was doing it for a different reason. They got Ryan Kerrigan.
The Phillies have, I think, the most wins in the NL East. The Sixers are the number one seed overall in the playoffs right now.
And the Flyers haven't lost in a couple days. And Kate Winslet in Mare of Easttown is really hot in the streets right now.
And whenever somebody can, like, it's enough for a Hollywood actor to be able to pull off the Philadelphia accent. But when somebody from, like, overseas does it, that's always, like, wild to me.
Because if you were to ask me, if I were in another life, an actor, and you were like, go do a Manchester accent. See, I think that's one of those things that people in England or, like, Australia can do all the American accents easier than American people can do other accents.
You think so? Yeah, because, I mean, it's probably just, like, Americans forcing it on them, but, like, they've already had to learn how to do an American accent where, like, an American actor could just go their whole entire life never having to learn a different accent, right? That's true. Like, an actor from England is at some point probably going to have, if they're in Hollywood going to have to do an American accent, right? You'll have to do an American, but then to, I think most people learn, like they learned the California accent, right? They're able to do all of it.
The Texan, like if you, if you grow up in Australia or in Europe, you probably think of the United States as like New York, uh, Texas and California. And those are the three places.
Those are like the three accents that you have to do. And Michael Jordan.
And Michael Jordan. Yeah, that's it.
But it's like such a regional accent that I feel like it'd be really tough to put. Like Idris Elba, when he did the Baltimore accent in The Wire.
Blew my mind. It's crazy.
He's number one of people that legitimately blew my mind. What about, was it Christian Bale? Yeah.
When he talks, that's weird. Yeah, Hugh Jackman.
Yeah. Christian Bale fucked me up, too.
Idris, obviously watching The Wire, he's like the biggest gangster. And then seeing an interview where he's talking British, like proper English.
Wait, what the hell? What? What's going on? Yeah. All right, my hot seat is, so I have two.
One is, now, I love Dan Heron. 2010 Dan Heron, greatest hitter of all time, but I'm starting to get nervous because Shohei Otani, leading the league in home runs and with a 2.1 ERA is fucking insane.
It is. And the way he hits home runs, too, like, he's not just hitting home runs.
He is fucking murdering the baseball. Did you see the picture of him when he had the cutoff shirt on and he was doing a press conference after the game the other day? He's jacked.
He looked like that big-ass kangaroo that everybody doesn't think we can kick their ass. Yes, he hit a home run.
He had his ass all the way out and hit an opposite field home run over the Korean monster. I was like, this guy's a freak.
And we should also really appreciate Shohei Otani because he might be the last of a dying breed. And you might say, oh, my God, like, you know, pitcher who can rake like that hasn't happened in a while.
That's not a dying breed. It hasn't happened in forever.
No, I'm saying last in a dying breed because there is a clip of Mike Francesa saying that he is going to be a huge bust. And why would the Yankees ever want him? And we're going to run out of this eventually.
I never said that. We're going to run out of Mike Francesa being wrong about people in sports because he doesn't do a show anymore.
So you've got to embrace a guy like Shohei Otani and hope that he is a Hall of Fame all-time player just so that we can hold on to that clip because there will be a moment in 10 years from now where all the players out there will not have any slander put upon their name by Mike Francesco. I think what we have to do is just like you have to basically get Mike Francesco to do a radio show every day via cameo.
Just send him a note. Be like, hey, real quick, can you talk about the Tigers' bullpen? What are your thoughts on Trevor Lawrence? Real quick.
Pay $200 because we need to preserve these amazing takes that are going to be coming out of it. Yeah.
And then my other hot seat was... Do you want a witch hunt? What? How badly do we want to defend Dan Heron in this circumstance? I think we made our point.
I think Dan's legacy speaks for itself. He's going to be a Hall of Famer.
I think we should enjoy... Sho Ohtani is one of those rare talents where I think you just got to sit back and be like, holy fuck, I can't believe this guy's doing this.
He's standing on the shoulders of giants, Dan Heron. Those that came before him blazed a path.
Right. So Dan walked so that Shohei could mash.
Yeah. Shohei is so goddamn good that I'm'm i'm not gonna put face of baseball but ronald acuna i have dubbed you face baseball show hey is getting is he the ass of baseball he might be the shoulders of baseball shoulders of baseball okay yeah yeah i think so so someone uh what was i said there were people who were roasting Shohei when I was trying to

get Dan Heron 2010 going, and they were like, Dan Heron, like, he could have run, but he

actually can't run.

So he would have been just as good as Shohei.

Does Shohei have a cool nickname yet?

That's the only thing.

The show?

The Showtime.

Yeah.

Yeah, that works.

I feel like he needs a cool nickname in order to be the face of baseball.

It says Showtime on Google.

Oh, there we go.

Showtime.

Done.

I don't know. only thing it's like show the showtime yeah yeah that works i feel like he needs a cool nickname in order to be the face of baseball showtime on google oh there we go we just invented that yeah please credit us with the tiniest font top left corner yeah bury it if you could put it in like uh in like the same color font as the background of the picture that'd be wonderful too so you can only see if you highlight it in photoshop yeah um all right the other hot seat i had i think this was just one of those headlines to go viral but it did say airlines may start weighing people to gate uh amid fears aircraft are being overloaded by fat passengers that's just a heat check for airlines i think that was just airlines they're not going to do it but they basically told everyone who's fat uh hey maybe pack a little bit less they were going to weigh you.
They want you to know that they have the power to do it. You know what it is? That nothing's off the table if they're thinking about weighing the passengers.
Because it's not enough to only look at you naked before you get on their planes. They also have to see how much you weigh.
Do you know what this is? This is the invisible pee detector in the pool. That was never real.
Yeah. That was never real, but it scared every fucking kid to never pee in the pool.
The purple dye. Yeah, if you're in a public pool, you're like, oh, you hear about the purple dye? You don't want to be the kid who has the purple dye.
That didn't exist, but somehow everyone found out about it, and they're like, oh, you can't pee in the pool. This is what the airlines are doing.
They're not going to weigh people. They're going to weigh fat people, but they're going to let that be out there that they might weigh fat people.
So then fat people are just like, fuck it. I just won't travel, which I may not travel.
So in the case of the airlines, I think that they need to take some of the power back in their own minds because you've got people tweeting about them willy nilly. You've been doing more skull fucks than ever.
I think your stats will bear that out, that it's been on the increase in the last several years. So if you're an airline, you're like, I need to keep our passengers in check a little bit.
Yeah. Because the balance is starting to shift a little bit too much.
Yeah. And so now they're going to be like, they're just letting you know that they're crazy enough to fucking put you on a scale before you set foot on a plane.
Imagine if they're like, update to our policy we're going to uh weigh anyone who complains about us on twitter yeah just directly hit me i'm like fuck i can't do this anymore here's how i know that they're probably not gonna do it because they'd have to weigh the flight attendants too yeah can't do that can't do that can't do that that workplace harassment can't do it brother weigh the pilots yeah can't do that would you feel more confident or less confident stepping onto a plane if the pilot was like real fat how fat like 350 pounds 510 has a barbecue stand on his cheek neck beard no mustache no that would be probably i don't know i'd switch my flight. Okay, there is the answer.

All right, my cool throne is Bill de Blasio.

I don't know if you guys saw, but that guy's a sports head.

He's a sports junkie.

He looked pretty cool.

He's ready to make some dunks.

I don't know who, if you missed it, the mayor of New York, who's a total buffoon, did a press conference conference he was wearing a brooklyn nets jersey but with a long sleeve shirt over it and the jersey was on skin so it wasn't like over the white beater yeah it was his undershirt yes it was just brooklyn and then a brooklyn nets hat i when i first saw it i thought it was like a uh snl skit but it was real life and just politicians pretending they like sports is one of the funniest categories ever who is it that did the the basketball uh ring was it ted cruz yeah and then john carrey didn't john carrey say something about he went kite surfing he yeah he said something too that was like i can't remember he fucked up something very easy i just love it i think just in general, if you're a New York City politician to pick the team that no one cares about. That's the other part.
The Knicks are like the biggest story in New York right now. And no one cares about the Knicks.
Well, and then the other guy that's like in first place in the poll is Andrew Yang. He disavowed the Knicks before this season because he knew that he was going to run for mayor.
So he was like getting out ahead of it being like, I'm a Nets guy now because the Knicks have broken my heart.

And then, yeah, politicians.

They're just so stupid. They're robots.

When I saw that picture of de Blasio,

that to me is the epitome of competitive casual wear.

He's wearing a suit and then a jersey underneath it.

It's like the look of going, you know,

you work like banking all day and then you throw on the hockey sweater and go to the game. That's a great look.
That's just like, hey, ready to, let's fucking take the top off this thing and get drunk. Would you really like to have a diehard sports fan as mayor? I think I would.
How badly can a mayor fuck up a city? Why not? Why not? I feel like you have enough people around you. And they would care about the teams.
Yeah. They would probably make the billionaires pay for their own fucking stadium.
Well, there's that whole theory. I know we talked about it a while ago on the show, but it bears out in election season that if your local college football team, if you have a big state school in your state, if the team finishes in the top ten or if they finish

with a winning record that season, the

incumbent politician is more likely to

get re-elected. It's like it's statistical

proof. Just happiness.

If you have a winning sports team, people

are like, hey, all in all, my life is pretty good right now.

Yeah, the city's doing well.

There's a buzz to the city right now.

Alright, and then my other cool throw

is Stanford Wrestling because it's back. I saved it.
Super League two weeks ago, Stanford Wrestling this week. I don't know.
I'm not saying thanks to me, but thanks to me. Was it ever in jeopardy? Yeah, no, they pulled it.
But then I just tweeted, save Stanford Wrestling once, like a month ago. And then today they announced it's back.
So I did a lot of work. You skull fuckedfucked the tree.
It was a lot of hard work. Is the Sailing Steam still good over there? I think so.
I think they're funded for the future. Yeah, they've got like six kids from Full House that are fraudulently on the team right now, so they're good.
All right, Jake, your hot seat, Coltrane? Hot seat's the Minnesota Vikings. Oh.
Because week one, they play the Bengals, and Joe Burrow is all systems go, and he's going to be on a mission week one against the Vikings. I love it.
Yeah, so that's great. Wait, does he have a cool hashtag though? Because like that's the most important thing when a rookie quarterback gets hurt.
You'll remember RG3. The main thing for him was just like getting that branding going leading into his second season.
Yeah. So he needs a good, I think he was like hashtag all in for week one.
Didn't really work out. Joe needs a hashtag.
All systems Joe. All systems Joe.
Ooh, I like it. Yeah, all systems.
For week one. There we go.
So, yeah, that will be on September 12th. Okay.
1 p.m. game.
Never forget. Yeah.
Cool throne, Marv Albert calling it a career after the NBA playoffs. Yeah.
One of the broadcasting Also, all-time horny guy. Oh, the biggest perv.
So you're saying there's a job opening. Oh, wait, for horny guy PFT or for announcer Jake Marsh? Announcer Jake Marsh.
Okay, got it. It was just confusing.
Jake, have you ever worn women's underwear? No. Have you ever had a ball gag in your mouth? No.
Have you ever answered the door of a hotel with blood on your back from getting it bitten? No. Okay.
Well, then you are not fit for the job. Shout out Marv.
Oh, dude. Marv was all-time freak-a-deak.
When did this come out? It all was popular. You don't know about this? Oh, yeah.
We should do a dramatic reading of Marv Albert. Let's focus on the fact that he's done this for 60 years and is considered one of the best NBA playbusters ever.
No, this is not a sex-shaming podcast. No, the fact that he overcame all this is incredible.
He's on a lot for broadcasting, a lot for Syracuse. Oh, there we go.
They make different Syracuse. They make them real morning.
You have a picture with him? Yep. Are your shirts on? Oh, yes.
It's phone background right now. Oh, your phone background? Not my phone background.
Jesus Christ. Are you guys wearing leather? No.
I'm in like a quarter zip and a t-shirt, and he's wearing a suit. It's in my sports media album on my phone.
Marv Albert. He is, yeah.
He's Marv, freshman year. Oh, look at that.
Also, great all-time toupee guy. Yes.
All-time. He said, fuck it.
So I guess it was, wait, was it sexual assault? That's not good. Oh, was it? I did not talk about this.
I thought he was just a horny guy. He was accused Albert of throwing her onto the bed, biting her, then forcing her to perform oral sex.
All right, so that's not good. Disavow Marv Albert.
No, one of the best broadcasters ever in basketball history.

He was actually, I mean, smart to get out right now

because he's been on borrowed time the last couple years.

Yeah, he was a biter.

Yeah.

He was a biter.

I thought he got bit.

No, he was a biter.

It would be fitting if he got the chance to do a Knicks playoff series,

1967 to 2004, the voice of the Knicks.

What a way to go out. You think when they booked him into the Manhattan Correctional Facility, he's like, I'm way downtown.
Can we focus on his other accomplishments? March Madness broadcasting. Sodomy charges dropped.
12 months suspended sentence. Yes.
Oh my god. Also, Kenny.
Kenny is a real up-and-comer. Yeah, he basically took over for Doc Emmerich as the number one hockey guy.
He's great. So, yeah.
The Alberts have done a lot for the broadcasting community. They have.
The Alberts, the first family of American broadcasting. Or the Bucs embrace debate.
Oh. The Eagles up and coming.
The Eagles up and coming. The Eagles are up and coming.
Yeah, they are. It's so weird to say.
Okay. I'm going to go with the Bucs.
You got two animal families there. Yeah, you got to go with the Bucs.
You want the deer or the birds? The Longs are kind of a hybrid. Old media, new media.
Yeah, true. Old school, new school.
That is true. Oh, by the way, shout out Kenny Main.
We got lucky enough. He did his farewell to ESPN and the LA Times.
And he was like, I did a bunch of interviews. Levitard Show, Part of My Take, the Chris Long podcast, and a lot of other interviews.
So huge for us not to make the other interviews cut. We just snuck in there.
It would have been terrible. That would have been awful if Chris had gotten in there.
And just having it be the other interviews. Also, I'm pretty sure Kenny Mayne went on Chris's podcast.
Immediately after. Yeah, which I wish we had known because we've been like, dude, you don't have to do that.
Stay with us. We'll prank him.
Or if we join the Zoom with him or something. Yeah.
Oh, that would have been crazy. That would have been some crazy podcasting.
But yes, go download The Green Light with Chris Long. It actually is a great podcast.
And he's a dear friend of ours. Albert met her in the motel room wearing white panties and a garter belt.
Yeah, so, oh, the woman testified she escaped his clutches after ripping his toupee off his head. Yeah, oh, all-time toupee.
It sounds like... He's the fucking guy from Goodfellas.
What's that guy's name? Oh, Maurice Wiggs. Maurice Wiggs.
He's Maurice Wiggs. Yeah, right.
He's jumping in the pool. All right.
Let's get to our interview. We got Brooks Koepka.
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And here he is, Brooks Kipka. All right, we now welcome on our best friend.
He's our best friend. It is Brooks Kipka getting ready for the PGA Championship in South Carolina, which is news to me because I looked it up, and the name is the – Kiawa? Kiawa Islands.
It's said Hawaii. I thought he was in Hawaii.
Seriously, I was trying to plan when he came on. I was like, well, you're six hours behind.
So either way, here he is. He's ready for the PGA Championship.
Brooks, do you want us to start with the goatee or the picture of you looking fat today? That I thought was unfair. Yeah.
It's all about angles. Let's do the goatee.
Okay. So, have you hit any cool Applebee's recently? Or, like, what's up with this? I like it.
It's kind of like a who's the bad guy. Yeah.

You know, I thought it made my face look slimmy.

That's why I went with it.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

I mean, you do kind of look like a mid-90s relief pitcher.

Yep.

Who drives a Ford Raptor.

Yep.

Yeah.

You come out of the bullpen anytime.

Now, do you have certain facial hair that you find that you play better when you're in? Like, if it comes down to Sunday, are you going to keep the goatee, or are you going to shave into the mustache? No, I think I'll just keep the goatee, even though, you know what? It's so windy here, I'll be able to tell which way the wind is blowing every time because I get a nice little, you know, gust across the stash. It could be a big benefit.
Yeah, I like that. It's like a cat with their whiskers.
They know exactly what width of a hole they can fit through based on whether or not it touches it. Exactly.
That'll be me this week. All right, so we're fans of the goatee.
I think the goatee does put a little intimidation factor on the opponents. Now let's talk about the picture.
Listen, as a guy who's taking a lot of bad pictures, I understand what can happen. I think what you just said with the wind is what we need to go with.
When the wind is whipping and it sticks your shirt to your belly, angles can look bad. Absolutely.
I mean, I feel like I'm at peak male performance. Like right now, I've got a great dad bod.
The belly button definitely swallowed the shirt, to say the least. I mean, yeah, I've definitely had better angles, but hey, I'm okay with the dad bod.
You look powerful, though. You look like you could add.
It's a very long course, right? Isn't it like the longest PGA Championship ever? Yeah. Yeah, it is.
So I can definitely put a little more weight behind the ball. You know what I mean? What are you hitting right now? I don't know.
I'm hitting like normal. So probably about three, just over 300.
But, you know, with a little extra weight, it might go to 305. Okay.
I don't know. Do you still get adrenaline when you're on like a long par five and you step up to the team? Maybe like the first par five of the weekend.
Do you get that extra like five, ten-yard bounce? No. If it's downwind, yeah, I'm 100% going to swing as hard as I can just because I want to outdrive.
Who am I playing with this week? I think Rory and JT. So, yeah, if we get downwind, I'm swinging as hard as I can.
Have you thought about possibly playing the entire tournament this weekend in a sweatshirt? I don't know if you noticed, but it's actually like 80 degrees in New York City right now. I'm wearing a sweatshirt.
That's just a move that you got to do if you're feeling a little bit self-conscious about your belly. Yeah, I'll put that phone call on to Nike.
I'll see if make it somehow maneuver that. Double XL sweatshirt.

You know what you should do?

You should be...

Just sleeveless like Belichick.

Yeah, cutoffs.

Or you could be the first golfer with pinstripes.

Vertical stripes are very, very slimming.

Exactly.

I was wearing a horizontal striped shirt today, just for the record.

I'm just going to flip it out there.

Not flattering.

It was a perfect storm of bad angles, questionable wardrobe, but, I mean,'s it was a practice round so i think you'll step out there on the tee you look good now are you 100 confirmed playing right-handed this weekend yes right-handed this week this week all right yeah we got to get to the to the um lefty competition with dave i i saw a quote that is very you are a football guy in a golfer's body so the quote PFT you're gonna love this quote someone asked him uh Jason Sobel asked him uh how his surgically repaired knee is feeling and Brooks said I was injured at the Masters now I'm just hurt but you're never 100% anyway I want to prove to everyone on my team that everything we've done has been great two questions one is are we part of your team absolutely i thought you guys were catty you will know i'm saying like right now like when you say i want to prove to everyone on my team we're part of that right absolutely okay good and two that's just an awesome quote that's not even a question i just love the fact like, hey, I was injured, but now I'm hurt and I'm good. Do you know when you crossed over into being hurt as opposed to injured? No idea.
No idea. It's somewhere between Augusta and now.
Okay. It just sounded like a good quote at the time.
I mean, it was a great quote. Yeah, I think your brain just went to the hurt or injured segment on this show.
And you're like, yeah, I'll just throw that. It's a little red meat.
They'll print that up. You use it perfectly, though.
Yeah. Because you were injured at the Masters.
Right. I also saw another quote from you.
You said, I can't run. I'm not where I want to be.
When was the last time you had to run on a golf course? I'll be honest, never. That would be intimidating as fuck.
If you got Blake Koepka decked out in his Jim Rome goatee sprinting down the fairway, that would put the fear of God into the guy that you were golfing against. Just bomb 1-3-20 and start sprinting after it.
Like David Eckstein running to first base after a walk. Yeah.
yes exactly yes exactly he's sick let's get down there um for the like i don't know there's probably a five percent of the listeners like actually are like die hard i want to hear some golf talk can you tell us like how tell us some facts about the course this week uh it's long as you guys mentioned um it's very windy so you know depending on if you're into the wind or down when you're going to get a good shot of someone's you know oversized belly um or belly button yeah and then um you know there's water so if anybody decides to choke coming in it'll be it'll be. Okay.
That's a great summary. You could see a great collapse at the last five holes.
Oh, really? They get harder at the end? Okay. I don't hope that you collapse in the last five holes.
No, don't say that. I don't, but I'm just saying that clip of you just saying somebody could collapse in the last five holes.
No, don't say that. Just internet points.
If that happens, we'll delete this part from the podcast. Exactly.
We can always go back and fix this. Yes.
But SpinZone, has the PGA Tour, have they implemented the Blake Koepka rules, which is the more interaction that you get online, you get a little extra coin in your pocket i see everybody's paying

attention now yeah yeah i guess uh yeah we've had that all they started that or they told us last year and then for whatever i think it started january 1 of this year but for i don't know perfect storm i guess it was released to the media and then uh just so happened that this match came about. So, I don't know.

Yeah. So, on the match,

so you're going to be playing left-handed against our boss dave uh what are you what would you shoot if you had to play the pga championship left-handed probably the same as i would right-handed honestly i don't understand how you can like i saw a clip of you shooting lefty, lefty.

Like how are you able to shoot lefty that well?

I don't know.

I think I have no, I honestly have no idea.

I just know just swing as hard as you can from the other side of the ball.

I mean, it's going to go far.

That's all I care about.

I'm like the typical average golfer.

When you go lefty and all I want to do is spin it and hit it far. I mean, that's better than what we could ever hope for.
That's it. Yeah.
So we're going to be on your bag. What do you actually expect from us? Because I don't know if we're able to deliver.
I just want, Big Cat, I want you to just keep being super positive to Portnoy. Okay, yes.
Just over positive, overly positive. I mean, that'll get to him.
Yes. We're already in his head.
Yeah, and then PFT will actually have to carry the bags? Yeah, exactly. PFT will do all the work.
Perfect. Perfect.
I'm not great at distances or really anything that would that you would need as a caddy so neither is my caddy so we're good um i will stomp the fuck out of any fire ants that are nearby i absolutely yeah you just need to pay attention for fire ants in case you know anybody's you know cheating anything like i'm the orkin man i will stomp those motherfuckers out. Oh, anything like that.
I'm the Orkin man.

I will stomp those motherfuckers out.

Oh, here's something that I saw, a little golf news.

Maybe I can break this to you.

I saw Tony Fanau just figure this out during the press conference today.

You're allowed to use a range finder this week.

Did you know that?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

Yeah.

I guess we'll have it in the bag in case we need it.

But I don't know. He relies on my caddy.
He can't mess this up. I mean, he's definitely messed up a few before.
I've messed up a few before. I love Rick, but I don't know.
In case we get really offline, in case I hit a foul ball, it might be needed. So the range finder will tell you to the exact exact yard how far away you are yeah yeah it'll tell you exactly it makes it a lot easier if but sometimes it makes it more difficult because we want to know like how far it is to the front i'm not always like trying to fly it to the pin or whatever there might be slopes or something the front so um it can sometimes help if you're like out of position but other than that so like How.
So, like, how far do you hit your 7-iron if you were to take, like, a pretty full swing at it? Just 200 yards. 200 yards.
So if I told you landed 198 yards, would you actually take anything off or would you go with a full swing? No, full swing. I can't tell the difference between 2 yards and 200.
Are you kidding me? I don't know i don't know how these things work i laugh i laugh all the time when pros are like guys will be talking and they're like yeah i'll just take two yards off this i'm like dude from 55 yards i can barely tell if i'm taking two yards off it i don't know how you're doing this from 200 i have no idea i love it that's the honest i mean i i would imagine most people are bullshitting when they try to say that that's what they're doing because it's really – Absolutely. Yeah, two yards off 200.
Quickly back to the match. Are you going to bring your trainer, not for you but for us, in case we struggle with 18? Well, I think, Big Cat, you're in – you've got the dad bod, so you're good.
I mean, that's in right now. Right.
Right. It's always in.
I've got it. You've got it.
PFT, you might have to have a little bit more work to get there, but I think we'll be all right. You've got to put a little weight on PFT.
All I need is I want your trainer to be able to do that weird stretch that he did to you. What was that? Pulled your hips and stuff, and he was jerking off your leg.
Yeah, i need so yeah that's what i want i want that after hole probably just after the first after every hole i would like that yeah yeah we might bring them um when you were playing the masters you were obviously visibly like injured like we talked about uh yeah and i i started talking about how heroic it was and people took uh great umbrage with that comment. They were saying, it's not heroic to go play golf,

and he's just a golfer.

You agree.

I couldn't have agreed anymore.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

I mean, it might have been one of the most heroic things ever done.

We've got to put that on a quote.

Liam, put that on a quote board.

It was one of the most heroic things I've ever done. Brooks Koepka talking about Brooks Koepka at the Masters.
Missing the cut at the Masters. It was a great two days.
You did it for the fans. It was for us at home.
You made the ultimate sacrifice and went out and played two rounds of golf. Absolutely.
Thank you for your service. Yeah.
All right, last question real quick. It's the Roback question.
Use code PFT on Roback.com for 20% off your first purchase. R-H-O-B-A-C-K.com.
Code PFT. They make the best performance polos and the only performance polos we wear.
And for our guest today, we'd like to gift you a Roback performance QZIP on um all right so you're going you're going we're going to let you go in two seconds because you got to go to the uh dinner beforehand does it is it like the master's dinner does someone pick the menu yeah yeah it does i didn't get to pick it last so colin marcal was picking it this year i don't know what he's serving um i have no idea but i don't know every past champion that's playing in the event will be there at the dinner, I'm assuming. It's always quite fun.
So what did you pick when you won? I had Miyazaki beef. And then I think it was like potatoes or something, like steak and potatoes, I think.
Okay. That's potatoes.
And I don't know, some kind of wine. Pigs in a blanket maybe next time? P Yeah, no, we're going to, we're going to go way more simple next time.
So next year at this time when we talk, cause it's basically like tradition when we talk on a Tuesday, you know, it's basically an automatic win. Yep.
Good things happen. That's true.
And you then have to come on again on Sunday night, but that's, that will be celebratory. That will be awesome.
Yeah, yeah. I mean,

I barely, yeah. Yeah, you won't remember.

Did I actually come on Sunday? I think, yeah, because I FaceTimed

you. Yes, yes.

Yes, you did. I think you absolutely.

You had a couple Coors Lights in yours. What are you?

Michelob Ultra? Yeah, yeah, we'll give you that.

Yeah, yeah, Michelob Ultra. Yeah, we'll give you that.

What about the other time that you won? Remember you won the

PGA Championship twice? Yeah, I did.

I mean, I'll be honest. Yeah, if I call you after, there's probably a good chance.
I have no idea. Okay.
If I win, I'm 100% celebrating, and I'm celebrating hard. Have they fixed the trophy? Yeah, because then the top fell off.
Yeah. Yeah.
He dropped it last year. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, who knows? I mean, I'll be honest with you.
What was it? We dinged up the U.S. Open one pretty bad in Vegas.
My caddy did. That was one of the best times of my life.
I'm just laughing at how great that was. We kind of dinged that one up a little bit.
But yeah, the rest of them are in good shape. We'll take care of this one.
Perfect. Perfect.
All right. Well, as part of your team, we're very excited for you to be no longer injured but only hurt playing in the PGA Championship this weekend.
Don't worry about the picture. Don't worry about the picture.
Here's something I'll say. I didn't even know it was you.
I thought it was someone else. Yeah, I didn't realize that you looked.
Yeah, that's how fat you looked.

I was like, wait, that can't be Brooks.

And then someone was like, no, it's Brooks with the, it said Brooks Koepka on the top

and it was still you.

And I was like, oh God, it is him.

It'll be interesting whether I fit in a suit or not tonight.

Don't bend over.

We'll see how that goes.

Yeah, no dancing. I haven't been in one in a while so this is interesting

your buttons might be popping out here just look for the photo that'll probably come out

sometime tomorrow yes suck in as hard as you can um all right well brooks best of luck we're

rooting for you obviously number one um and uh if not you then max then if not max then will so

but you're number one always don't worry oh i love it yeah all right we'll see you soon

Thank you. one.
And if not you, then Max. Then if not Max, then Will.
But you're number one always. Don't worry.

I love it. Yeah.
Alright, we'll see you soon.

Alright, thanks guys.

Later, buddy. See you, man.

Brooks Koepka

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Okay. We're going to wrap up our show with the one and only Uncle chaps before we get to uncle chaps a quick announcement reminder two reminders one the barstool sports book is live in indiana two uh hank is playing jake on thursday on stool streams play barstool app go download it right now if you're a real one you'll me.
You'll bet on me. I won't let you down.
Yes. You're setting yourself up for...
The Triple Hutter. There's three great matchups.
$500 maker picks. PFT versus Hank as well.
Yes. I will be announcing with...
Who am I announcing with? Rico Bosco. Yeah, Rico Bosco.
Rico Bosco. Jake, how are you feeling about that matchup? I'm looking forward to it.
Hank's a great competitor. He's got to stay locked in and get the win.
Do you think that you're better than Hank? We'll see.

Do you think that you're the better player in the

office? We'll see. Out of

everyone? We'll see.

Okay. I guess so.
Alright.

Chaps, it's good to see you. Yeah, we have Chaps

back. You look great.
Thank you. His eye

is fixed. It took him a year and a half.

Yep. He's down, what, like

70 pounds? 30. 30 pounds.
He looks like 70. When was the last time you did leg day, Chaps? Never.
I'll never do leg day. Tiny little chicken leg.
I haven't done any day. Yeah.
No days. I do chest, arms.
I'm not doing a day. You technically don't skip leg day, then.
No. It's just you never have a day.
No. Cool.
I never will. All right.
So it's great to see you. Good to see you guys, too.
What's going on in your world? ZBT? Rocking? No, I need some wars. We just need...
I mean, honest to God, this whole Biden thing is a mistake. I just need...
We need to bomb somebody. Not that we really care.
Some open area. Give me some time.
Like the outback of Australia. Like, we...
I just need... We need to bomb somebody.
Like, not that we really care. Like, some open area.
Give it some time. Like, the outback of Australia.
Like, nobody lives there. Yeah, kangaroos.
We'll fuck up some kangaroos. And not even kangaroos.
Like, the real desert part, where there's just, like, lizards and stuff. Literally nothing will get killed.
Yeah, just lizards. Just blow up that big rock that's out there.
Devil's Rock. What about we take out that big Jesus in Brazil? There you go.
Christ the Redeemer. There's a lot of people over there.
I think it's a war crime to take out religious monuments. And it in brazil there's a lot of people over there i think

it's a war crime to take out religious monuments and it's also there's a lot of people there

but not on that mountain yeah it's just a lot of people go visit it yeah but they all go up there

i don't even think it existed before that movie city of god i think they just put it in there as

a prop it's like the rocky statue did you guys see that another city in brazil is building a

bigger jesus i love a bigger mountain i love that yeah and it's only like a statue. Did you guys see that another city in Brazil is building a bigger Jesus on a bigger mountain? I love that.
The arms race. And it's only like a 90-minute drive, and that's the only reason why people go to that city is to see that Jesus, and now there's going to be a bigger one like 90 minutes.
I love it. We got Jesus War going on.
What if we, just throwing this out there, you can talk to your friends in Space Force about it for me. What if we blew up the moon? I've thought about that.
People say tides, but didn't have tides in Pangaea. That's true.
Good point. And that's when we all got along because we were all in the same continent.
You know that was actually our strategy for how to win the Cold War initially. We came up with a plan to set off a nuclear weapon on the moon just to show Russia look how fucking crazy we are.
We'll blow up the moon. I mean that'll work't fuck with us.
Pangea, though, would then everyone get along and no more wars, so you'd really kind of fuck yourself. That'd really suck for downloads, yeah.
But they didn't have McDonald's. All Pangea has McDonald's.
If there's one McDonald's, then they all do. Pangea is more of a Burger King kind of place.
Yeah, that's true. Alright, so everything's going well.
It's good to see you. You're back in the office.
Dog's good? Don't. Gus and little Baby Dale? You know it's Baby Dale Woo-Hoo.
First of all, say his whole name. But yeah, they're good.
Good. The cat is good.
Good. Yeah, Sprinkle Dankles.
Yeah. What about the other cat? Why are you looking at me? Because you know what you did.
I know what I did. It's another betrayal.
I know what I did. All right.
Let's get some wrong. You know what? So Chaps is a dog trainer.
That's what he did in the military for a while. Not that dog.
I'm actually thinking that when- You son of a bitch. Otto, not Gussy Boy.
Not Gussy Boy from heaven above. He would never kill his sister.
Woo Dale, first of all. It's Baby Dale Woo Hoo and then Gussy Gus from Heaven Above, right? Gussy Boy from Heaven Above.
Sprinkle Dinkles. Are you sure you were in the military? Yeah.
All right. Swift Chaps was just stealing valor for like the last five years.
Incredible content. You'd honestly be the worst stealing valor person ever yeah maybe the most high profile case but what i'm saying is maybe when we get a certain person back we we've tried to train him as a human trainer oh i feel like we just we kick him to a dog trainer yeah and we let chaps work how would you work your magic on a human that's's the same exact principles, really.
It's called successful approximation.

With Billy, we just do baby steps.

This is just baby steps all the way along.

Not being 30 minutes late.

Yeah, we'll work on it.

Well, late, we're going to have to go.

You can do inducing or convulsion training.

I would definitely go with hands-on, more pain-induced training.

Strangle him.

Yeah.

Strangle him every time he's late.

Shot collar, pinch collar.

I'm against it for animals, but for humans, it's's fine you should absolutely give him a shot call yes yeah um all right so you have two things for us we're gonna do roast listener uh submitted roast and also you're gonna mix in some big time tommy which i miss so much you you started to do it uh when you're sitting across from me this morning and i was like instantly smiled. I was like, save a couple of those for the show.
So let's go. All right.
And also just a reminder, Chaps, is not the greatest reader. That was a good – that's nice.
That's being nice. Not the greatest.
He said that you're not the – like you're not the best in the office. None of us here are the greatest.
That's true. I'm not the greatest.
I'm not Alex Trebek. Alex Trebek, the greatest.
You're probably better than him right now. I don't know.
He's pretty bad at reading. Also, we have...
The roasts weren't updating, so some of them, if you wrote a roast, you don't hear it. That's why.
And to note, we have 69,000 iTunes reviews. Not reviews or whatever.
Stars. Yeah, yeah.
We have 69,000 stars total? 69,000 five stars. 69,000? I think there's like a thousand one stars but Fuck those people.
Yeah, 69,000 five stars. Alright, thank you.
One star to people. Hitler.
There it is. Wow.
Alright, thank you though for everyone who actually does rate and review. really appreciate it alright you guys ready yes alright an alpha ping ponger Sunshine from remember the titans a wannabe rock star and their chubby dad who looks like young Jeff Fisher talk everything from crypto to cold sore now I like these because you sometimes have to unpack them so Sunshine would be the man who can't be named.
Then Wannabe Rocker is PFT? Yeah, I think Sunshine is. I got confused there, too.
Yeah, I thought it was going to be a hair thing. Sunshine is usually just the hair guy.
We just mix all of our insults. Yeah.
I like that, though. Who's young Jeff Fisher? You? I guess.
That's a compliment? No. Yes, absolutely.
Jeff Fisher cost me a Super Bowl. Well, he also got to a Super Bowl.
Yeah. Well, a super bowl yeah cost it well that's the reason why you think he would have beaten the ranks yeah because people don't talk about this enough the defensive coordinator greg williams yeah he stole the jags playbook the offensive playbook yeah the year that they were 15 and 3 all three losses went to the titans he stole their playbook.
And they averaged like 39 points a game

against everybody else and against the Titans it was 23.

I am so rude to not

ask you as a

lifelong Jags fan,

Tim Tebow, what a great signing. Why did you do this?

Again, I told you

that was one of the agreements that

I didn't want to talk about Tebow.

I want to do it as a show.

How do you feel about the depth at the tight end position?

I feel

okay about it. How do you talk about Tebow.
Okay. I want to do it as a show in a good mood.
How do you feel about the depth of the tight end position? I feel okay about it. How do you feel about the depth of the leadership position? We don't have a dearth of it, but we're going to be okay.
Do you think that there's an element of Tim Tebow knowing all the dirt that Urban Meyer has done in his past, that he kind of blackmailed his way into being on the roster right now. That's very possible.
There could be a chance that Tebow is just a really shysty guy. It's all about himself.
It might. Well, yeah, I think to a certain extent it probably is.
But I don't think that Tebow really had to do anything shady. He had to just be like, hey, coach, you want to bring me in for a tryout? And Urban Meyer was like, fuck, I can't say no.
His answers about Tebow have been so bizarre, too. I know.
I haven't seen him. I haven't seen him.
But when I watched him, it was pretty good. And then when he came back, he was even better.
This guy is the greatest professional athlete and trier you will ever see. Greatest trier.
I actually do think that Tim Tebow is... That should be his position, the trier.
He's the best trier of all time. Yeah.
Yeah. That's a rugby thing, right? You score a try.
Mm-hmm. All right, next.
Pee-wee-ft just looks gross. Oh! Pee-wee-ft? That's just all in all a mean thing to say.
That was so mean. By the way...
Pee-f-t really is getting hammered in a lot. That was really mean was really mean and i kind of fucked myself over on last friday's show during the fire fest when i was like i think i got a cold sore coming in on the day that fauci says we can take the masks off yeah um turns out i just didn't have a cold sore at all and i just had like i don't know an itchy lip for a couple hours got it so that can get in your head so much that you can give yourself a cold sore.
But then I decided to go on our national podcast. Yeah.
Our national sports podcast. We're international.
And tell everybody how to cold sore. You guys talk soccer? We do.
All the time I save soccer. Cricket.
I say cricket. Sachin Tandukar.
Do you guys know the rules to cricket? Yep. You just play for at least two days.
Why does it take so long? I just told you the one rule. You play for at least two days.
If you have bad defense, they can just run it up. Run it up, run it up, run it up.
How do they know when to stop? It's like baseball. It's once all the batters get out.
Every batter keeps hitting until they personally get out. And that's just the top of the first inning.
Wow. And then also I think it's just a sport for people that really hate their families to go watch.
And you can hit it backwards. Yeah.
Wait, into the gate? The whole world is 360-degree field. The wicket.
It's called a wicket. Oh, I don't like that.
And Sachin Tendulkar was the master. He was the wicket king.
PFT's sitting in his chair. I have multiple videos of PFT's feet not touching the ground when he's sitting in his chair in the studio.
It made me feel really uncomfortable. Is that true? Well, I rest him on this guitar case sometimes.
And then also, I just put him down sometimes on the leg of the chair. But it's not like my feet can't touch the ground.
I'm not a freak. You've got to be more cognizant about the guitar thing.
I know. I'm not some freak.
Put them all the way down. I'm not cotton from King of the Hill with no shins.
Rest them all the way down. Five, ten and a half like a normal person.
Right. My old lady ordered me a pair of PMT socks knowing I loved them.
Three weeks later, she gets an email canceling, refunding her purchase because they were out of stock. What a boner killer.
Sad day. Get some damn socks.
Thanks, Chief. Love the show.
We sold socks? When was that from? What? Best socks in the game. Really? Yeah.
All right. Well, sorry about those socks, dude.
Mix in a big time, Tom. Okay.
I got my own motivational quotes. Oh, you made them? No, I didn't make them, but you asked me to get some motivational quotes, so I have those too.
Yeah, yeah. They're from Tommy.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're from Tommy.
They're actual ones that I used. The next one, I wonder if Marlon's Man's son is named Sharkboy.
Sharkboy. That's not really a burn.
No, Marlon's Man's son. Sharkboy would actually be a sick name.
Like, hey, what's up, Shark Boy? Shark Boy's an amazing name. Yeah.
And also, I wouldn't be his son. He met my mom two years ago.
You just involved yourself in this conversation. Yeah.
Well, I mean, that's obviously... Oh, it could be, yeah, someone else in this room.
Oh, yeah, good point. Who?

Anybody else from Florida?

I don't know.

Anyone want to say they're Sharkboy?

Actually, we've got two guys from Florida.

Sharkboys.

I think Shark is a great name for a son in general.

Yeah.

If your wife is pregnant or something.

Oh, Shark.

With a daughter.

My own neighbor had a black lab named Shark.

Really?

Yeah, great name for a dog.

Did that dog get any cats?

Sharkiel O'Neal.

Why?

I do like Shark, though.

Shark Lockwood is an alpha name.

Hell yeah.

Now, your son would absolutely be the alpha over Jake.

Shark Lockwood.

Please, please, please mute Billy's microphone forever.

Every time he starts talking, I hit delete on the the episode he's insufferable to listen to especially after a fight when he doesn't realize that jose took a dive and he's just brain dead and actually think he knocked him down so yeah this is what we were talking about some of these didn't update so hank found just essentially i i guess people don't like it. We had some feedback that we didn't even know about, so we've heard your feedback.
This one's about you. Overweight dad, or it could have been about me a couple months ago.
Overweight dad that kept reminding you about his fatherhood has lukewarm takes while David Spade's neglected younger brother cries for more attention by agreeing with his co-host every time. I don't think I bring up my son that much.
Not to mention, what am I supposed to do? I can't be like, hey, I'm getting fucked up on the weekend. I let out.
You eat donuts. Yeah, I eat donuts.
My life is simple. All right, you guys ready for some motivation? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. After that? Yeah, I got some motivation for you.
What's up, Instagram big time tommy work for a cause not for applause live life to express not to impress that's the old school way os for life take it easy that's a real one he did? Yeah. Is this Pinterest motivational quotes?

I love that. Was it work for a cause, not for applause? That is definitely going to be in a locker room.
I was going to say, that's like a high school football coach wet dream right there. Dan Campbell's taking notes with his good hand that he still has.
Yeah. Thanks for listening.
Yeah. No, I saw a clip um a flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it it just blooms what the fuck it's true all right actually i think that's not true flowers can they do compete for sunlight.
Yeah, they absolutely compete for sunlight.

All plants do.

That's the reason why canopies extend.

Yeah, they literally will grow bigger to get the sunlight. That's the exact reason.

They're a direct competition.

This one's good.

It needs the full introduction.

Hey, what's up, Instagram is big time, Tommy.

You look so delicious.

I want to explore every inch of your body with my tongue. That's the old school way.
Is that a real one? Yeah, it's a real one. It's a real one.
That's a good one, right? Yeah. I think that one's fine.
It's just Instagram comments. Yeah.
Right. For Jen Seltzer's ass.
Success is not final. Failure is not fatal.
It is the courage to continue that counts. OS for life.
Take it easy. Is that from him? No.
A lot of these. Oh, that one's from Winston Churchill.
Oh, okay. That was a good one.
Can you read the Ray Allen tweet? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Finish the show with that, and then you're going to pick numbers, chaps, so you've got to pick a number. I hope you get it.
All right, here we go. Do the whole thing.
Let me see if I can find it.

Oh, man.

This is fucked up.

By the way, your shoes are cool, too.

Thank you.

What are those?

Cicconis?

So for my shoe game, this is my shoe game.

I go into Amazon, and I go bright shoes, men, clearance, and just find the cheapest one.

These were $15. Hell yeah.
All right, here it is. Do they come in men's? Yeah.
Cool. That was a roast.
That was. Hey, what's up, Instagram? It's big time Tommy.
I'm getting there. When you masturbate, think about my tongue on your clit and switching back and forth from my dick to my tongue.

That's the old story.

Take it easy.

All right.

Numbers.

Chaps?

Seven.

16.

I'll go 99.

18.

46.

Check out my pyramid with the numbers on my Twitter. 55.
Hey, Jake, I like the pyramid. Crazy how there are some that are five.
One. One.
Oh, wow. Uno.
One. Uncle Chaps, thank you.
Everyone go download. What happens now with what? Subscribe.
It goes back in. Yeah.
Do you have an animal fact for us, We've been doing this for like a year now. Actually, it's almost about a year.
Maybe a Bible fact because of your other podcast. Yeah, there you go.
Oh, yeah. Barstool Confessions.
PFT is going to be on this week. We're going to be doing a little bit of this game.
It's called Things Christians Like, and we're going to combine that with Cards Against Humanity. So it should be very sacrilegious.
It'll be a great time. You want an animal fact? Or a Bible fact.
Or a Bible fact. Maybe an animal from the Bible.
Okay. Or a fact about a fact.
Okay, my favorite Bible fact that people don't know about is how naked and drunk Noah was all the time. People always thought Noah was this super nice dude.
Oh, no. His son Ham came in drunk as shit.
Noah passed out with his dick in his hand because he was just beating off on him. What? Hey, did you ever talk about Seth? No, I haven't talked about Seth yet.
You should talk about Seth. Yeah, I'm going to bring KB on for that.
Yeah. I'm obsessed with Seth.
K and Abel and Seth was the other brother. He was the stepbrother.
He was the Howie Jr. of the Long family.
Seth. That's mean.
Howie Jr. is doing great.
He is. But I'm talking like size-wise.
I mean, yeah, Seth. What's Cooper Manning up to? He's the funniest one of all.
They just gave an ESPN Plus show, I think. Is he? Probably.
Cooper's place. And Arch Manning might be a Jaguar once Trevor Lawrence is a fan.
Love you guys. I actually didn't mean that.
We've got to stay in solidarity. We talked about that.
Yeah. Because Trevor Lawrence sucks.
Oh, I do have a fun fact. You said you're done with NFL.
I have a fun fact that I was telling PFT before. It was a guess, and it proved right.
Did you know the entirety of the NFC North could fit inside Jacksonville?

What do you mean?

Every other city, Chicago, Detroit.

In the landmass of Jacksonville?

That's crazy.

And they only add up to like half of Jacksonville.

Holy shit.

Jacksonville is a thick boy.

Jacksonville is enormous.

It is the biggest city.

Wow.

If you were to look at a map of the United States,

more of the United States would be taken up by Jacksonville

than any other city. Therefore, it's the biggest

market. Trevor Lawrence is right.
Small market?

Not so fast, my friend.

Duval.

Great, great fact. Alright.

See you on Friday. Love you guys.

Chaps, thank you. Talking away I don't know what I'm to say I'm saved anyway Today is my day To find you shying away I'll be coming for your lover Take on me Take on me Take me Take on.
I'll be gone, look to you. Something needless to say.
I hope to send it, but I'll be some rolling away. Slowly learn if life is okay.
Say up to me, it's not better to be safe than sorry Take on me Take on me Take on me Take on me Take on me Take on me By the time you hear the next pop, the folk shall. Thank you.
Take on me.

Take on me.