Kirk Cousins & Bonus Football Everywhere

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On today's part of my take, Kirk Cousins. Yes, Kirk Cousins is on the show.
It was essentially a 30-minute roast. PFT and I had a lot of questions.
We actually said it during the interview, but I think Kirk Cousins is the guest that we had the most questions that were totally weird, probably have never been asked of him, of any guest we could ever have. He handled it.
Well, you'll see. Swimmingly.
He handled it admirably, and it pisses me off. No, I'm going to still make fun of him.
Well, of course I'm going to make fun of him, but it pisses me off that I don't have the same level of hatred that i once he's a nice guy he's a nice guy uh we have monday night football cleanup uh we have wednesday night football coming up we have uh guys on chicks hot seat cool throne embrace debate we have it all ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working nah neither has ariat ariat work jackets and boots are packed with all the cold stopping waterproof protection you need to get the job done under any conditions so you can take any job out there and always deliver.

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Okay, let's go.

Boy!

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Today is Wednesday, December 2nd, and the Philadelphia Eagles fucking suck. They're dead.
They're dead. It was a bird alert last night.
The Seahawks crushed them. But the Eagles did cover in the last second.
And which stunk for some of you out there. Oh, that was brutal.
DK dropped another touchdown catch and we're beginning to think he might have a problem that maybe his muscles are too big and they push the shoulder pads out. The ball hits the shoulder pads.
He can't make body catches. Billy was saying that he's muscle bound and can't even cross his arms in front of his body.
But he did have a pretty good game. Darius Slay got roasted.
The two-point conversion to cover the spread, it was a bad beat, but as math guys, we respect it. Because everyone knows we are math guys.
We are probably the most sabermetrically advanced podcast out there. You go for two when you're down 14.
In my opinion, you just always go for two because two is twice as big as one. And so you'd rather have more points than fewer points.
In fact, I was thinking about the whole Cam Newton situation last night because obviously the Patriots are going to have a decision to make. I don't think that they're going to resign Cam Newton.
Yeah, I don't think they have a decision. I mean, maybe if he comes back and plays for another million dollars a year and they don't have anybody in the draft they can get, whatever.
But what a smart team should do is they should just hire Cam Newton to be their all-time two-point conversion quarterback. Go for two guy.
Go for two every single time, snap the ball directly to him, and he either runs, he does that little power run, or he does a jump pass, or he can figure out a way to score. Cam Newton is probably the best best short yardage football player of all time statistically tebow would be the guy tebow would be a great guy tebow would be the guy except for the whole passing he's the one who could be cheap he's going to make the match this no but he could throw you know he could throw his little lob pass but so the big story though coming out of monday night football is uh doug peterson has officially started the process of getting fired and i I say that because Doug Peterson said afterwards he prides himself on calling plays, but for the first time he's mentioned that a change in play caller could be on the table.
And we've gone through this many times before, but if you have a flow chart of a head coach being fired, actually it starts with a long, hard look in the mirror. Sometimes that look in the mirror can last for a year and a half, like Dan Quinn.
Correct. And then it goes to play calling duty, shuffling the deck, or shuffling the chairs on the deck of the Titanic.
He's passing the talking stick around. Yeah, this is actually kind of nice that Matt Nagy and Doug Peterson, who are friends, are essentially in lockstep with the death walk for the end of their coaching career.
Because they both have taken that long, hard look in the mirror. They both now are thinking about, or in Matt Nagy's case, giving up play-calling duty.
It is Doug. Yeah, this is the next step.
It's like the end of the Titanic where those two old people hold each other's hands as it's going down. And they're sitting in bed and everybody cries.
But yeah, I don't think that Doug Peterson's getting fired. I still don't think that he is.
Because he's got the ace in the hole to play. And the ace in the hole is going to be, we're going to binge Carson Wentz.
Jalen Hurts is going to come in. And then if you show a little bit of progress with Jalen Hurts then going into next year you try to build something around him.
So I don't think Doug's getting fired. I don't think he's getting fired.
This might just be my brain reverting to the fact that he's a recent Super Bowl champion. He wrote a book called Fearless.
So I don't see him being fired but it is a desperation move. I don't think he's going to get fired, but this is the first step.
When you have to do this, you're not long for it. You know what I mean? There's never been a coach who's willingly said, especially an offensive genius who's been like, hey, you know what? I'm going to let someone else call the plays, even though that's the reason why I'm here.
And then for some reason they just coach for another 15 years for that franchise. That doesn't usually happen.
So Doug Peterson and then the Miles Sanders thing, that is similar to a Matt Nagy. They really are just doing the exact same thing.
I imagine Doug Peterson got off the field last night. They handed him the box score to do his interview, and he looked at it and just panicked, and his face went red, and he's like, fuck, I knew I was supposed to do something, maybe give it to my most dynamic offensive player more than six times.
We've got to figure out a way to get the ball to Miles Sanders more. That's my favorite coach excuse of all time, when they can't figure out how to get the ball to their best running back literally the easiest thing to do in the sport besides beat the jets it's just hand the ball off to your your like horse of a running back it's so easy miles sanders i i don't think his job is in jeopardy but i wouldn't be surprised i wouldn't be shot carson wentz on the other hand he if if I were Carson Wentz, I would just fake an injury right now.
I'd take the coward's way out, and that's okay to say. I'd take the coward's way out and be like, oh, my knee, it hurts.
Oh, I have COVID. Oh, I got to sit out.
And just be like, next year we'll start fresh. We'll hope it's different.
Let's just take an extended break here. Forget everything that happened this year.
It was the season from hell. It's been the season from hell for a couple years.
But just do a full flush, fake knee injury. Let Jalen Hurts go out there.
Because here's the thing with Carson Wentz. One, his contract, he's probably going to keep his job.
And even if he doesn't keep his job, there's a lot of teams that would still be like, hey, let's trade for let's let's roll the dice. Yeah.
Or sign him and see what happens. I'd take him on the bear.
If you're yeah, if you're a team like the Bears, that's going to be in purgatory. That doesn't have a starting quarterback that also is not going to get like a top 10 pick.
Then yes, Carson Wentz is your ideal solution next year. I disagree with you.
I like where your head's at when it comes to faking an injury. It's the cowards way out.
I love it. I love love that, but it can't be a knee injury.
You can't fake an in-game knee injury. The easiest things to do right now, say that you've had a sports hernia for the last eight weeks that you finally need to get surgery on, or go in for a shoulder scope.
Because every quarterback that's played at a high level has some small amount. Basically, every American male that has been jacking off for longer than two years has some long-term shoulder damage just from that.
So just go to the doctor, have them do like a minor little reconstruction of your rotator cuff. That's going to be five months, six months recovery time.
And say that it's been nagging you all season long. Therefore, you get to go back and blame all your bad plays on that shoulder.
or call up drew breeze and be like hey drew how exactly did you break all those ribs tell me tell me step by step how you keep breaking ribs even though you haven't been on the field for three weeks try to do the self-suck on yourself until you shatter your throw yourself down the stairs yeah and hope that something breaks so yeah that that's that game. The Eagles are done.
The Eagles, at this point with the NFC East, we made our jokes, I think that I would be totally fine with any three teams of the Giants, the Washington football team, and the Cowboys winning the division because I can get myself somewhat excited for a playoff game with those three teams. I cannot with the Eagles.
I have done it long enough. I've bet on them long enough.
I didn't bet on them last night, which actually ended up fucking me. But I've thought that they were going to turn a corner for so many weeks, and it just didn't happen that I am officially giving up and not expecting anything else from them.
I mean, it was against the Seahawks, the Seahawks defense last night. Right.
They had Jamal Adams just straight up blitzing almost every time. That's all they do with him.
And you know what? Hey, were they turning a corner? Here's the weird thing. They've turned the corner.
They might be turning a corner. I told you a couple weeks ago they flipped the switch.
But with Jamal Adams, he's not. That's mine.
The turn a corner. I said that they flipped a switch.
Yeah, yeah. They're turning the corner, though.
I tried. I called it a little too early because then what game did they have? Was it the Bills game that they got torched? But it's happened.
It was a night game. They turned the corner.
I think it was. They turned the corner.
You know what? It was against the Cardinals. Yeah.
That was when they flipped the switch. Yeah, they've turned the corner.
They flipped the switch. They turned a corner.
And flipped the switch. But Jamal Adams isn't even that good at blitzing.
They just blitz him a lot. Yeah.
Yes, if he's not blocked, he can occasionally get to the quarterback. He wears too much tape on his arms.

Agreed.

It's one too many.

Agreed.

Just, I don't know, personal preference.

All right, other NFL news.

We have Wednesday night football, or Wednesday afternoon football,

because we had to watch a tree get lit up, which is so ridiculous

that that's actually the reason why it got pushed in the afternoon. Which is also what rg3 is doing to practice this week yes yes the palm trees pegging them actually that that's a good spin zone for the ravens lamar's not playing rg3 is taking the start they haven't been allowed in the facility to practice all robert griffin needs to practice is like a bear tree and his wife and greta greta just go out there and just fucking drill some palm trees watching him yeah so that game I don't know what to make of it I actually it's weird that they they should have just went with the 340 game and not said oh it's because of the tree lighting ceremony because I initially when they said it was 340 I was like oh that's smart they get the Ravens home the Ravens home at a reasonable time.
It's good for player safety. They get back to the facility.
No, no. It had nothing to do with that.
It was literally just because there's a tree ceremony. We've got to watch the fucking tree get lit up.
People want to watch a tree. Who cares? But bonus football.
Yeah, it's great. Listen, Wednesday afternoon football, we wrote an entire song about it that's going to make its debut at the end of this episode.
Yes. What a treat.
The most exciting part of this year is just like getting random days of football. It's like a surprise from the good Lord.
But we're not having Thursday night football this week. But we have double Monday and Tuesday next week.
We have Tuesday next week, and I'm scared. I'm scared for next Tuesday.
I was fine going into it thinking that we were going to play the steelers on sunday off a short week um not in prime time the washington football team has not had shall we say the best record isn't it tuesday night in prime time games okay yeah yeah so tuesday so double monday tuesday night bonus football even though it's not bonus but that's how our brains work um we will we will be upset. We're like, hey, where are the other games? It's going to be Monday.
They're doing the Steelers and the football team Monday at 5 p.m. Yeah, but then there's a Tuesday night game.
What's the Tuesday night game? The Tuesday night game, I believe, is the 49ers. In Arizona.
Bills Niners. The original Monday night game.
I think it's the Ravens Cowboys. Ravens Cowboys.
Is that right? Okay, that's right.

They're giving the Ravens more time.

Yes.

And then the other thing we had from the NFL

is the ultimate, oh, you think, no duh.

The Texans had two PED suspensions

with Will Fuller and Bradley Roby.

The Texans' strength and conditioning coach

is Brian Cushing.

Yep.

No duh.

And how bad must those steroids be? Yeah, right? To get popular steroids in 2020 seems so ridiculous. Yeah, especially if you're a wide receiver.
It's actually, I don't pour shame, but it's a poor move. Billy, let's go to our steroids analyst.
Fuller said he was prescribed by a doctor for them, so it's not 100% certain if it's A PD in the way of like a body PD or like an Adderall. Like a head high.

Got it. for them so it's not it's no no it's not 100 certain if it's a pd in the way of like a body pd or like an aderoy or even a you know we've seen like blood doping red blood cell yeah uh oxygen increase we have seen that yeah verbal meme live look at his doctor and it's that kid wearing the white lab coat yeah glasses yeah exactly uh so what do you think i'm still trying to figure out what i get on popped for yeah can you get us make sure you by friday's show i want a report um all right uh let's do hot seat culture on then we have kirk cousins you know what it actually all makes sense like the only season that will fuller hasn't had his hamstring fall off yeah he's got something.
Right, of course. This is absolutely why he wasn't injured.
He just got busted for having – he got like a horse's hamstring attached to his leg, and that's the PED that he's on. No, it makes perfect sense.
What do you say? I think it might be a HGH peptide injection type thing. Oh, peptide, yep.
What's the difference between the peptide injection and the standard HGH? The peptides are the building blocks of the HGH as opposed to just injecting HGH. So HGH without peptide, you're basically like you're putting like 93 octane gas into a Chevy Astro.
Got it. Amino acids versus proteins.
Got it. Right.
Perfect. Science class.
All right. Before we get to hot seat, cool throne.
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See AHS.com slash contracts for coverage details, limitations, and exclusions. Hank, Hot Seat, Cool Throne.
My hot seat is Bill Walton. Yeah.
So, I mean, this is kind of a yearly thing with Bill, but I feel like the tide's turning a little bit on him where he is kind of, so he started doing college basketball games. He spent the entire time not talking about the games, talking about random stuff, Asheville and like, I don't even know the stuff he was talking about.
Asheville Mushroom Club. Yeah.
Well, so here's the problem with Bill Walton right now. But he doesn't, the problem is he's getting into the point where he's not even talking about the basketball games at all.
No, that's not the problem. Because he's not been talking about basketball games for a very long time.
The problem is, it's in the middle of the day. Bill Walton is exposed when he's in the middle of the day.
There are too many people who are watching Bill Walton right now and don't, like, when Bill Walton is not talking about basketball and he's going off on tangents, It's usually 11 o'clock at night and you're watching Oregon State versus Washington on a Thursday night. And you shouldn't be up and you're watching it.
And it's pretty much just you and Bill Walton. Right now, the whole world's kind of watching because it's sports during the day.
And everyone's like, dude, is this guy high? Yeah, he's been high for like his whole entire life. It's just just now people are paying attention so we got to get him off of this prime time or this daytime slot i think it's partially that and also partially people are expecting craziness from bill walton you know like he's become too much of a thing where it's for a lot of people their enjoyment of bill walton isn't as pure as other people's enjoyment which is like he's just a creation of nature that is to be admired you don't sit there like you don't go to the grand canyon and say like tell me a regaling anecdote big hole in the ground you just observe it for the beauty that it is already that's how we need to treat bill walton and don't like don't try to make a judgment on him one way or another if he's giving good performance or bad he's just bill walton and that should be enough to be thankful.
This was the clip that yesterday I didn't tweet out because I didn't want people to start hitting Bill Walton, but it was ridiculous. Andrew Jones, isn't that the guy who had the leukemia problem? It was Andrew Jones, yeah.
He's been through it a lot. Have you ever had any health problems? And he just goes on.
It's like the leukemia problem. You got an addiction to leukemia? It's like, yeah, he had cancer, Bill.
Yeah. It's not a leukemia problem.
I like how he followed up with, you ever have any health problems? Yeah, my prostate sucks. I had to take a couple of Z-packs back in the day, get rid of the drip.
Jason Bonetti, by the way, is a pro's pro.

He actually might be better than Dave Pasch with dealing with Bill Walton.

He sells his jokes so well.

Today, Bill Walton said, have you ever been inside a Sonic boom?

Bonetti said, I have not.

And Bill Walton said, I highly recommend it.

Okay.

I mean, that actually sounds like great advice to me.

Yeah, he also had yesterday, he was talking about a player on, I think, Texas. He's like, this is the best game I've ever seen him play.
And Jason Bonetti was like, well, it's his second career game. He tells no lies.
Yeah. So, yeah, it's more that – and if he's – usually Jay Billis is calling the Maui.
So, I don't know why. Yeah, I feel like it's just daytime Bill Walton.
You can't do it. You can't.
I may have a theory because usually Maui is during Feast Week, right?

Yeah.

We have the Champions Classic tonight.

He's probably on the call for that.

Got it.

Got it. I had to guess.

So, yeah, that is why.

But it's just we need to get Bill Walton.

We need to protect Bill Walton.

We can't have him on daytime television where everyone's like, who's this fucking guy?

He's been doing the same thing forever.

It's a treat when it's 11 o'clock at night.

It's not.

It's basically like someone walking into your office and being like you want to hit this bong versus someone walking into your living room at like 10 p.m being like you want to hit this bong there's a big difference there uh then my cool throne is the paul brothers yeah everyone hates the paul brothers i feel like it's one of those things where it's kind of like i'm so sick of the paul brothers i'm so sick of the paul brothers but the paul brothers could not be hotter in the streets right now everyone's talking about him after the fight and then jose canseco he chirped logan paul's like i want to fight one of these paul brothers logan paul used to date jose canseco's daughter and he replied and was like no problem i love smashing canseco's oh it's Oh, that is a great response. And so it's just like, you know, the Paul brothers are as much as people hate them.
It's like you can't deny that they're just everywhere. What I love about the Paul brothers in this particular circumstance is that like Jose Canseco is a 55 year old version of the Paul brothers.
Like he tries to do everything that they do and they're much better at everything everything that he does than he is. He'll do anything for publicity right now.
He doesn't really know why. He just likes having a camera in his face and people retweeting his lies.
But the Paul brothers, they at least have an end goal to all their attention whoring. So yeah, that's doubly bad if you're Jose Canseco, that the person you want to be also was fucking your daughter.
It's also because we uh we did the rundown yesterday and the comment was made that like it's hot in the streets everyone is coming out of the woodwork saying they want to fight the paul brothers yeah and uh they're the most fight fightable people in america i think billy is big thing like he wants to fight the paul brothers i think billy is the best option you could have he's gonna fight conor mcgregor no he's not he's not. Yeah, he is.
If there's enough money, why wouldn't Conor McGregor do that? Beat his ass and make $10 million? Because he doesn't want to train. I think, listen, boxers, fighters, you put enough zeros, they're in.
They are. I think McGregor will do it.
But you're right. It's the most lucrative industry in America is challenging a Paul brother to a fight.
If you can't code, just challenge one of these guys to a boxing match. I mean, do you want to hear the realistic situation? Yeah, sure.
Let me hear the realistic situation of you fighting Jake Paul. We might have to cut this because it's legitimately like it's going to sound too smart.
Okay. But we frequently do that with Billy, by the way.
Hank, get your finger on the edit button. Get ready.
We're going to have to cut this. It's the classic Billy is too smart.
Okay. But we frequently do that.
Hank, get your finger on the edit button. Get ready.
We're going to have to cut this. It's the classic Billy's smart thing.
No, but seriously. Hypothetically, we need to promote the Barstool Sportsbook app in a new state where it's launching.
We do this event sponsored by the Barstool Sportsbook. We have plenty of sponsors that could be incorporated.
How are they going to handicap your boxing? Exactly. We have Whoop sponsor video series and me training.
We have Body Armor fueling it. Okay, can I interject real quick? Yeah.
So, yeah, for your side, it makes sense. Right, right.
But that would get... The Jake Paul side...
No, no, no. I actually think it makes sense from the Jake Paul side, too.
I'm getting to it. What? Because all of you, we're fighting Conor McGregor? No, no, no.
All that sponsorship money pays for Jake Paul to make the fight worth it, dude. Jake Paul is going to make a lot of money on his next fight.
Right. It obviously is like relying on distribution and media networks to actually distribute the fight.
But he just fought an NBA, like a well-known NBA player, don't you think? No, but every time I saw, that's the thing, every time I saw the Nate Robinson hype,

it was never interesting to me.

On Nate Robinson's side.

You know what, I'm being positive in December, so I'll say yes.

Look, I know,

I'm serious, me by myself, this never happens.

We would sell more fights than they did for Nate Robinson.

Basically, no way. But if we had a little,

we could hype this up.

No, but that's not going to happen.

I'm so confused with this, five different conversations happening. It would be Jake Paul fighting Barstool Sports, not me.
I'm just the tip of the spear. You know what, Billy? You're right.
That was too smart. We'll have to cut it.
Can I throw one last? I'm trying to be positive, so I'm going to say this is good. But can I just throw one thing out there? From a business perspective, there's a lot of money to be made.
I will pursue this for you. I will work to try to get this done.
And by that, I mean, do nothing. I'm like, you could pay me nothing to do it.
It would make more money for the company. I need you.
You would fight for free? I wouldn't fight for free. You need this negotiating wizard here.
No, like, I'd fight for like a contract. How much? No, like, like 20 bucks.
Well, I actually have a contract. Oh, like a loser leaves town? No, no, no.
I'd fight for like a technical deal. How about this, Billy? You'd fight for health benefits, basically? Legitimately, I'd fight for health benefits.
How about this? I might have rabies. You'll fight for health insurance, and if you beat him, then he has to be your replacement intern on part of my take.
Yeah. And you get to go live the life of a Paul brother.
I don't want to live his life. If I won that fight, I would legitimately...
You're such a liar. Here's my concern, Billy.
I don't want to live the Jake Paul life. Here's my concern, Billy.
I swear. Just make a bajillion dollars doing nothing in L.A.
No, but everyone, I don't know. I don't like his moral compass.
I do think you should go to the Suicide Forest. That's Logan, right? And go there and be like, I'm here to avenge you for being forsaken by the Paul family I know.
And do the same thing he did. Yeah.
But on their side, like getting revenge for the falling against the Paul. I'm in.
I'm in. I'm in.
But here's my problem. Here's the only last thing I'll say.
I feel like we would actually get this done. Like if we got this done, you would then send a text on like a Monday afternoon and be like, hey, bros, sorry, but my parents really want me to graduate so i'm gonna have to be out on this jake paul fight i mean by the time it gets settled it i'd probably be graduated already it probably happened 2020 we could make the best rocky style montage of you training in your barn chasing the chickens around i mean like i just get your hand strength going with frog frog yeah have a frog on every finger and then we'll get you reaching into the stream catching a fish with your bare hands which I believe that you can do Billy you can anyone can I mean alright I'm in Billy I'm in I'm in I'm in say no more I'm in let's try to do it Billy one thing you need to learn a lot more about is when to stop talking when you're ahead.
He's going to negotiate himself for zero dollars. The last five minutes after Big Cat has said, yes, I'm in, you've just been continually weakening your case.
I don't want to steal from you, Billy. Were you going to talk about your bat on your hot seat cool throne? No, I forgot.
No, you already have a hot seat cool throne. Oh, yeah, go ahead.
Last night we were playing Warzone and Billy was like, fuck, shit, guys, I'm going to get off. The bats are back.
I thought they were hibernating. So I sealed up...
Don't eat them. Don't eat the bats, Billy.
Don't eat the bats. I'm not going to eat the bats.
We've been through enough already as a society. Alright, Billy, I'm in.
I'm not doing it for me. Stop fucking talking.
We told you seven minutes ago.

My hot seat is Zoomers.

Zoomers are firmly on the hot seat.

Forbes came out with a 30 under 30 list today.

And they put football players on it.

So basically rendering the entire list moot.

Here's my 30 under 30.

Patrick Mahomes, Joe Burrow.

Not Taysom Hill.

He's too old. Lamar Jackson's on there.
Darren Revell still. Yeah, that's about it.
So people understand, like, the 30 for 30 list are essentially, like, whoever, you basically hit up the person who's writing the list. Like, hey, I nominate myself.
Yeah. Anyone that is actually truly on a 30 under 30 list that isn't a professional athlete is probably a huge loser that's not going to be on the 40 under 40 list.
Yes. And we count ourselves.
We count a couple. Yeah.
And they all suck. What's up, Billy? We have some breaking news.
Oh, breaking news. Jake Paul's agreed to do the fight.
Dave Portney's on the 30 under 30 list. This is actually sick news.
Actually, no, this will resonate with the Zoomers. Trace McSorley has been activated for the game tomorrow.
Hell yeah. And Trace McSorley is one of the most famous quarterbacks on TikTok.
Can you sing the song? There's a very... My source is Jake poking me and saying, look at my Twitter.
Can you sing the song? I can't do the math right now. How much is Purdue up? 32? Yeah.
All right, go ahead. Can you sing the song? It's a really good song.
Check it out on TikTok. Fallin'.
Throw it on a dime. Like, I ain't even trying.
Name is Trace McSorley. Anyway, it's a great song.
All right. That'll be electric.
That was breaking news. Everyone's been talking about, oh, Trace McStorley could play.
Trace McStorley is going to back up RG3 on Wednesday. Well, that's the thing.
RG3, we talked about this before the show. RG3 is absolutely going to get injured.
I hope that he doesn't. But, I mean, I've never been so confident.
People out there who are as excited as I am. We need to get Billy some headphones so he knows when he's talking that the microphone is coming.
Your cool throne. My cool throne is Christmas trees.
Christmas trees back on the cool throne big time. It is Christmas tree week in America.
Always happens the week after Thanksgiving. I used to be a Christmas tree salesman.
I'll put out a Christmas tree buying guide this year. I feel like that's something that America could use right now.
All the do's and don'ts when it comes to finding the perfect holiday tree.

But bottom line is, get

yourself a Fraser Fir. Don't go for

Douglas Fir. Don't let them talk you into a

fucking spruce. Worst of all, go

with a Fraser Fir as a former

Christmas tree salesman, I can tell you. Actually,

no one's ever a former Christmas tree

salesman. For life.
I'm just in between

selling Christmas trees at the moment.

I'll put out a buying guide for you because it is

the most magical time of the year.

Alright, my hot seat is 2020 because we are finally in the last month and it's starting boys it is starting we're back to this is the last month and once we get to 2021 all of our problems are solved i'm so ready for this objectively 2020 has been a shitty year. Yep.
But once it turns January 1st, guess what?

See ya.

We are living high on the hog.

Dude, I just love the tweets of being like, last month, we've almost made it.

To what?

The minute it turns January 1st, we're still going to be in this hellscape of a world.

Positive.

Yeah, positive vibes.

Positive vibes.

Positive vibes.

We are one day closer to a vaccine being back to normal.

There we go, Jay.

One day closer.

There we go. I did see Fauci.
We're one day closer to Billy Football getting his skull caved in by Jake Paul. Fauci said it's possible we could have full NFL stadiums by September.
Hell yeah. So when he said that, my heart sunk because it dawned on me how we've completely fucked this entire season.
In my mind, I was still in the mindset, maybe in the playoffs we'll have full stadiums and things will be rocking no a massive creed halftime show at the super bowl nope nope not gonna happen that quote it's possible by september according to florida okay all right let's go positive vibes only all right my cool throne is um uh tyler hero jersey the the city jersey miami miami just keeps the heat just keep releasing city jerseys because i think they're like these colors are so cool we'll just do a new one every year but that tyler hero uh city jersey is going to be the most worn jersey at lalapalooza whenever lalapalooza comes back or all the edm festivals it's pretty sick it is a sick jersey and then also bob stoops on my cool throne because he's back lincoln riley has mentioned uh Bob Stoops is actually helping out with practice because the coaching staff at Oklahoma has been hit with COVID. I love that.
I love old coaches coming back. It's a Barry Alvarez move, coming back for a game, just filling in.
It's a great – I hope he coaches. I hope he's the head coach on Saturday.
It would be awesome. I love it when they go back to practice and just stand on the sidelines for a while, just to observe practice.
We welcome back our old coach. Remember, he was in the back of Vanny Woodhead not too long ago.
Huge balls. Yes.
Massive balls. Huge balls.
Ball sack, four days. All right, let's do – Jake, why don't you give us a hot seat, Cool Throne? Thank you.
My hot seat is – He always comes prepared, folks. Yeah.
My hot seat is Jim Schwartz. Yes, good.
We totally mentioned it. Shorts on the hot seat.
We didn't mention this. Recurring guest, D.K.
Metcalf, and him, I guess, got a little post-game comment. Pre-game.
Pre-game, sorry. Yeah.
And then D.K. responded with a Jordan meme.
Yes. I took that personally, and he balled out.
Was it 10 for 177 or something? Yeah, well, what he took personally was Jim Schwartz saying, you're kind of like calvin johnson you're not quite there yet but you're on your way which he took his disrespect i like that from dk i don't he's not mega he's pegatron because he'll fuck you in the ass this also reminds me of i i feel like this is jim schwartz now jim schwartz is a dickhead but i feel like he didn't say that. I feel like he probably went up to DK Metcalf and was like,

you remind me more than anyone I've ever seen of Megatron.

Oh, it was a million percent a compliment.

Yes.

That he was paying him.

Yes.

DK, all he heard was like, fuck this guy.

He heard, like, what's his name?

LeBradford.

Yeah.

Being like, I think I can score points against Michael Jordan on defense.

All right.

And then your cool throne?

And then my cool throne, not meant to be political, walking boots. Yes.
Joe Biden's in a walking boot. And anytime someone with big stature is in a walking boot, just the picture is interesting.
It is. Yeah, it is.
Hopefully he's okay. Celebrities get injured too.
It's crazy. Yeah.
There you go. All right.
Nice job, Jake. Billy, do you have anything that you missed on your hot seat? You know what I need? You know what I need? No, you're fine.
I need Dr. David Chow, pro football doc, replying to Joe Biden tweets with his diagnosis that you have to pay extra money for of how long it's going to take him to heal.
That was the worst thing that I've seen when he was replying to Joe Burrow. Yes.
Joe Burrow being like, I'll be back. And he's like, here's a replay of Joe Burrow getting his knee broken.
Behind a paywall. Behind a paywall.
And here's my diagnosis. Yes.
Yes. Billy, what was your hot seat going to be? Real quick.
No, it was a good one. You were talking about this basketball game.
I talked too much. Billy's hot seat.
I have no more good ideas. Billy's hot seat was going to be Mormons.
And why were Mormons on your hot seat, Billy? BYU was playing in the Roman Swipe Classic against the Trojans, and I didn't think that would really be good for their celibacy. No, use protection.
They soak. They soak.
And, Billy, you know what soaking is? I did not know what soaking was. But now you do.
I don't. You're about to tell me.
You just lay in it. Yeah, you just put it in, and then you stand perfectly still.
And it's not considered fucking if there's no friction where in it and inside of in the hole, dude. And into that hole.
Great to know. Yeah, the top Billy, the top hole.
Yeah, you get it. John Smith was a revolutionary.
There we go. All right, Billy.
Good job. You didn't talk too much.
All right. Let's get to Kirk Cousins.
Kirk Cousins.

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Okay, here he is, Kirk Cousins.

Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest.

It is quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings, Kirk Cousins.

He has a cereal out, Cinnamon, like Minnesota, Snaps.

You can get him at Hy-Vee Grocery Store or online at plbse.com. He has a cereal out.
Cinnamon, like Minnesota, snaps.

You can get him at Hy-Vee Grocery Store online at plbse.com.

Kirk Cousins Foundation.

We actually are in the cereal game too, so now we're competitors.

We just released our own.

Pardon my flakes.

Kirk, so thank you very much for joining us.

Just so that we put all of our cards on the table, I'm a fan also wisconsin grad pft is a washington football team fan so we've said some things do you want to do the hard questions first or the easy questions your call well i grew up a bear fan so i grew up in chicago so i'm with you uh you know i know what that life is like and uh it's not good let's go let's go hard first i can. Okay, all right.
What the hell were you doing with your grill when you put the tinfoil down with the steaks? I like my steaks to stay juicy. I don't like when the juice just drips into the grill and the grill absorbs it.
So I figured I like to keep my steaks as juicy as possible. Now, I've since been told that I need to sacrifice that to be able to get that true grill flavor yes that was the last day i used aluminum foil ever um but that was my thought but apparently it was a flawed uh flawed thinking okay yeah you're coachable you don't get the taste of fire if you've got the aluminum foil boat down there because we might have said that you aren't a franchise quarterback solely based on that yeah and rightfully so right i mean that was my fault but the good news is i was able to fix it you can pivot yeah from my mistake and

uh since then we've been doing just fine on the grill yeah that was probably my hardest question

um i've got a couple i've got a couple of hard ones i did say on yesterday's show that

you were a perfectly nice quarterback you're a fine young quarterback i think is what i said so

Thank you. Hardest question.
I've got a couple of hard ones. I did say on yesterday's show that you were a perfectly nice quarterback.

You were a fine young quarterback, I think is what I said.

So I've come around a little bit, but I have said some bad stuff,

so I'll get this off my chest.

I said the worst part about Kirk Cousins making $84 million a year is that he's going to spend it on lame stuff.

He's probably just going to stuff it in mayonnaise jars

and bury it in his side yard.

Is that true? Is that true? How much do you use mayonnaise or like, uh, or light mustard jars? You know what? You got to diversify. So as many different jars as possible, you know, you want to spread your assets out, cast a wide net.
Um, yeah, you know, I'm, I'm probably not a, the biggest spender. I'm not going to blow all my money.
If that's what you want to see me do, I'm happy to entertain some ideas of how I could blow it. But, yeah, I'm probably going to try to save more than I'm going to spend.
Yeah, you got me pegged correctly there. Well, you did have the story, and I would love for you to retell it for our listeners, that you once inquired about getting Creed to play a private party, Creed the band, to play a private party for you.
Now that is a good use of money, I would say. Well, thank you.
I appreciate that being understanding. Yeah, not even Creed.
Creed would probably be too pricey, but Scott Staff, just the lead singer. I was interested in getting him to come in and do a private concert just with an acoustic guitar for just my, you know, private custom audience and a custom set list.

And he would have to do it.

I just wanted to know, you know, is that possible?

And they told me, yeah, for a price, anything's possible.

So they got my wheels turning.

And it could still happen, you know, down the road.

Maybe you'll be invited.

Who knows? Yeah, I would love to. I would love to be there for that.
I mean, they're going on a reunion tour right now. I think there's talk about the band getting back together.
Yeah. You knew that.
You knew that. Come on.
I honestly didn't know that. So now my dream is even more likely.
But I may not have to bring him to my house. I may be able to go see him in a town near me.
Get backstage or even better. I saw your high school singing clips that went viral on Twitter the other day.
Maybe we can get you on stage singing Back Up for Hire or Arms Wide Up. Which song would you want to sing with Creed on stage? That's a tremendous question.
It's like trying to pick your favorite kid. Yeah, I'd say Harder.
You know, I have two boys. It's hard for me to say that I like one more than the other and creed songs are kind of a similar similar thing but yeah with arms wide open higher one last breath i mean my sacrifice i mean how do you pick you can't but um you know going back to those singing videos from high school if you thought i was you know embarrassed about having aluminum foil on my grill uh that's nothing to seeing yourself 15 years later singing songs from high school and having to relive that.
And then every few years it comes back up on social media and gets recycled. That's far worse than aluminum foil on your grill.
Well, I was actually surprised that you weren't bad when you were singing. So when you started singing, I was like, yeah, that's embarrassing,

but I wish he was worse so that I could laugh at it more.

So that was the line all my teammates said.

They brought it up, they laugh, and then they're like,

you're actually okay.

So it's hard to, well, then maybe I'll be good enough

where Scott Stapp will see it.

Yes.

And when he comes and does the private concert,

he'll let me duet on a few of the hits.

Well, so speaking of embarrassing things,

what about the sandals with the toe sandals with socks? Yeah, I mean, again, that one I'm not gonna

feel as badly about because I got up that morning, I put on socks, I was in a hurry,

I couldn't find my shoes. So I throw on sandals.
And I said, that's, it's gonna be that way. You

know, I'm not gonna care too much. So wasn't my best fashion choice.
But it was functional. And

Thank you. So I throw on sandals, and I said, it's going to be that way.
You know, I'm not going to care too much. So it wasn't my best fashion choice, but it was functional and got me through where I needed to go.
We got the job done. We got to get you some Crocs.
Put those in sport mode. You definitely can bring back Crocs.
Actually, a lot of Vikings quarterbacks in history are famous for wearing Crocs. Yes, that's true.
Big-time Crocs. At one point, I did accuse you of running an illegal dog fighting operation out of your house in Virginia.

Because you put up a bunch of pictures of you holding the dogs that you were fostering at the time.

And in one, it looked like you were threatening to just spray it with a hose.

I guess you were giving it a bath or taking care of it or whatever.

But it looked like you were waterboarding it.

So I want to give you a chance on the record to refute the fact or confirm it, if it is that you were fighting dogs in ashburn virginia we were uh definitely fostering dogs uh we had kind of a revolving door with we cut out he said fighting or foster i heard and then tim we were definitely fostering okay fostering got it and uh that was at pet supplies plus and uh they have a little dog washing area where we could go with the hose. So the dog didn't enjoy getting a bath, but it was far from waterboarding.
Here's one. So we don't have to get into the pandemic, but the if I die, I die thing.
I did reply, if I can't mock Kirk Cousins, then I also do not care if I die. So I said that.
Stand by that one. I did a little data.

I'm glad I've given you guys so much material.

You really have.

This is a roast now.

I don't know if you realize you walked into a roast.

We're going to talk football in a second.

We're just getting it all out of our system, but it's only fair.

The last thing I want is for you to do this interview

and for you to somehow like us,

and then everyone sends you all the bad stuff we've sent.

Right.

Wait, these guys wouldn't say that to my face? That's a nightmare. No, we'll say it to's a nightmare no we'll say it's your face are you are you a data guy are you a stats guy am i a stats yeah do you pay attention to like data um yes and no i mean at the end of the day not really but at times if you have a discerning eye okay i i ran some data i did a little number visualization thing visualization thing.
You might have heard this story, it came out a couple years ago, how James Harden, when he plays on the road in cities that have the biggest strip clubs, he has worse games. And I don't know if there's a correlation, but somebody did some research on that.
I actually did some research that said that when Kirk Cousins plays on the road in cities with the largest megachurches, you're 10 and 15 as a starter, as opposed to 31 and 25 in cities without the mega churches. So do you think that's a problem? Do you go, do you sip too much communion? Do you get exhausted spiritually from spending too much time on the road in these churches before you play games? You know, I like that stat.
I mean, talk about having a discerning eye. Now, that's a stat you could really draw something from um yeah you know the megachurch uh i'd be interested to know which cities are considered to have them and which cities aren't and maybe with that information i'll be able to try to write that uh stat a little yeah it was like it was charlotte uh chicago dallas and then but a lot of those games were the primetime games that people have given you grief for over the years so there's like a little bit of there's some overlap between primetime and megachurch games do you hear that by the way do you hear the primetime stats like does that ever is there anything different or is it just you know it it hasn't worked out sometimes and it happens during primetime yeah i mean you get asked the question so that's when you hear it is when they ask you.
But I think it's more of just, you know, didn't get the win. And, you know, it's a stat I wish was different, but it is what it is.
And hopefully going forward, you know, we can start to win those games consistently and start to kind of change that narrative. I you actually are trending in the right direction because you obviously you beat the Bears in primetime this year the Seahawks game last year I want to say where or no this year where you guys that wasn't like on Kirk Cousins that was just Russell Wilson at the end so I think it's trending in the right direction about this Vikings team though you guys had a tough start.
Does it feel like we can make a push here for the playoffs? And that was actually a great – we were taping this on Monday – a great game-winning drive against the Panthers on Sunday. But how does it feel knowing, like, you guys can't really lose any more games and you've got to keep the momentum going forward? Yeah, we don't have a lot of room for error.
I mean, we started 1-5. So even if, you know, you have a great month in November, you're only back to, you know, we're not even 500 yet.
So we have five games left. You know, we're going to have to play our best football in these last five, but it's nice to be in the hunt, you know, because when we were one in five and going into our bye week, we weren't in the hunt.
And so it's, it's exciting to know that we're going to be playing meaningful football football in December but uh we are gonna have to be playing our best football too when when you played the Cowboys uh no not to like knock you but I lost the Chevy Silverado on that game uh you you guys lost that game to the Cowboys did you know could you feel playing that game that Mike McCarthy had smashed a watermelon the night before in a pre-game with his team? You know what? I didn't know that until you just told me, but I did think they played with a lot of energy. I thought it was just because they were coming off a bye week, and so they were fresh.
Nope. But maybe it was the watermelon.
It was the smashed watermelon. It absolutely was.
See, you should have, like, someone should have figured that out and told you guys beforehand, be like, hey, listen, they night we're gonna get their best effort that's the kind of scouting report that would have made a huge difference and i i'm disappointed that our scouts didn't get that information back to us before kickoff yeah your coach mike zimmer is an all-time football guy we love zim um we got to meet him just real briefly more than anything we just saw his truck in the the parking lot, which was just filled to the brim with Redman pouches in the center console.

He's a big football guy. What does he do that's kind of along those lines of a pregame

meeting that he has and he needs to get you guys fired up? Has he ever pulled out a prop or done

anything crazy to get you guys amped up? That's not really his style. I don't think he's about

the theatrics. I think he's about ball.
He's the man of few words. It's about just, you know, a few words.
You know, let your play do the talking. But he wants you to be physical.
He wants to run the ball and impose your will on people. And you feel that from him, you know.
And I think you guys know him. You know, he's a no-nonsense guy.
And, you know, if you have Redman in your center console, you probably are a no-nonsense guy. So that's who he is.
I've always had the theory that with Mike Zimmer, he doesn't really like any quarterback. And so his quarterbacks always want to play hard to kind of like gain his approval because if it were up to him, he'd just play defense the entire game.
And that's what he loves. Do you feel that same way that it's like, I really need to show out to make Zimmer appreciate what I'm able to do because I know he just hates my position.
You know, I've never heard it put that way, but there's no doubt that, you know, you want to keep coach Zimmer happy and he's a defensive coach, so it's going to be hard to keep him happy. But it also doesn't help, you know, because one of the best ways to keep a defensive-minded coach happy is just protect the football.
You know, just don't screw it up. And so earlier in the year, I was leading the league in interceptions.
That's not where you want to be. So thankfully, you know, the last few weeks we've been a little bit better, started to get on the right track.
But, you know, hopefully I can get back in his good graces. This is a weird one, but we have a theory that you look shorter in purple.
Have you noticed that? When you're in your all purple, you look shorter. Well, I'll tell you what, guys.
I'm learning all kinds of stuff right now. So thank you for all this information coming at me.
I'm having a hard time digesting it all at once. But say all white, which you wore against your bears on Monday night, they say makes you look fatter.
I thought all purple might make you look a little slimmer. Obviously, I'm actually trying to look fatter with how skinny I am.
The linemen have a different opinion. If I look a little shorter, okay.
As long as I still am what I am height-wise, I'm okay with that.

Just check it out.

Next time you guys play at home, just check it out.

Look at yourself in the mirror as you go out there and be like,

wait, I do look a little short.

Maybe it's a helmet.

The helmet is so big.

I feel like your helmet doesn't fit all the time.

Because you're always sprinting up to the line of scrimmage.

You have a lot of energy on the field.

So every time you get a first down, I always see you moving quickly up there.

It always bobbles a little bit.

Does it fit?

It actually is pretty snug.

Maybe it's not the helmet because the helmet is what it is for everybody.

Maybe it's my face.

Maybe that's the problem.

Is it just my head and my face?

Maybe your face got rounder.

Yeah.

I think my head and my face are the problem, which is harder to change. You have a say something nice about kirk cousins great jawline yeah we're gonna get back to kirk cousins just a second but before we do i want to talk to you guys about hockey is on and no matter the city no matter the team no matter the game whether it's face-off or penalty shots, regular season or playoffs, win or lose, no matter what happens, no matter where it happens, New Amsterdam Vodka is there.
And now, more Kirk Cousins. I'll also say something else nice I love whenever uh professional athletes bet on themselves so when you're going through that and you're betting on yourself and you're playing you know on the franchise tag was there a element of like nervousness like hey if I get a really bad injury or something bad happens I'm kind of screwed not screwed because you're still making a lot of money but screwed in the long-term that you don't have that security of a long-term deal.
You know, there's always risk. You understand that, but there's risk even if you have a contract in place for long-term that, you know, things can change.
And so, you know, I didn't feel like a long-term deal was suddenly going to just make everything better. And I didn't mind playing year-to-year.
It didn't bother me a whole lot. Purchased an insurance policy just to be smart, and then you go play.
I had talked to players, even in other sports, who had done a similar approach, and they kind of helped me understand the best way to go about it. Yeah, I do it.
And obviously, when you became a free agent, you were heavily courted. We actually had Von Miller on this show and he called you Rihanna.
So he loved you. And I know you guys during that offseason, you know, they say, you know, find somebody who appreciates you the way Von Miller appreciates Kirk Cousins.
He was in my and uh uh when you have one of the best players in football in your corner it's a good feeling and and in the new york sports media hated your guts so you like they did they were like oh he used the jets which i don't understand that argument of how like you can that's what negotiating is they just were upset that you negotiated but that that had to feel good going into free agency and having multiple teams be like yo we want Kirk Cousins right now you know it was it was just a great thing to have a fit uh here in Minnesota where you felt like you were going to a team with a great locker room great coaching staff great facility great fan base I mean I can go on and on it was just the right fit you know you hoping that you could, you know, find a great fit, but you didn't know until you really got to free agency. And then you see that, boy, this, this is a home run.
You know, I'm just thrilled that it all worked out. How many steak dinners did you make people take you out for during that whole process? Was there a team where you're like, you know what, I already know I'm going to the Vikings, but I could use a night out at Ruth's Chris.
Like, maybe the Tomahawk sounds pretty good to me tonight. Did you, like, just tap one of those on at the end? When you talk about, you know, being courted, it would have been fun to kind of have it be drawn out for two weeks and have everybody tell you how good you are for two weeks, whether they believe it or not.
But, honestly, it happened so fast. I mean, free agency now in the NFL is a quick turnaround.

And the news breaks seemingly right when free agency starts.

And that was, you know, pretty close to my experience.

So I only visited the Vikings.

You know, the deal was pretty much done before I even touched down in Minnesota.

And then the next day, signed the contract to make it official.

So it was a quick process.

But honestly, that was a good thing to just, you know, be right to business, get it over with, and then go get to work on building your team. Yeah, when you got there, how excited were you that you had a general manager that knew what your first name was? You know, I'll just I'll punt on that question.
If I can punt on that. It's fine.
Listen, I've got family in McLean. We do have that accent where sometimes you say Kurt instead of Kirk.
It happens. It's a difficult first name to say, and I'll agree with that 100%.
So you have an unreal rookie wide receiver in Justin Jefferson. How quickly did you know this is a dude? Was it almost instant, or did it take a little bit of time? You know, that's a great question.
And I'm disappointed to tell you that I didn't realize it as quickly as I wish I did. In my defense, I don't know that we all realized it as quickly as we should, partly because we didn't have preseason games, didn't have OTAs.
We had him in the slot, you know, playing that slot position, which is really what he played most of his final year at LSU. And we moved him outside to the exposition week three.
And that's when I realized, oh my goodness, he's the real deal. He made some plays in that game that were serious.
So, and he's never looked back. And, you know, we're lucky to have him, thrilled to have him, you know, there were several other first round receivers in the draft and, um, you know, I'm just thrilled that he's our, he's on our team.
So when you, when that moment happens, when the light bulb goes off, is it, uh, he makes an incredible play or is it you make a pass that wasn't a great pass and he makes you look good? Both. Right.
I mean, if I make a pass,'s not a great pass and he catches it, that's an incredible play. So it was a go ball on third down that I threw to him versus man coverage.
The ball was a little bit underthrown. He adjusted to it and high-pointed it and came down with it for a conversion.
I just said to myself, I'm literally talking to myself at this point out loud, saying he's really good. And then later in the game, he caught a deep route versus man coverage, separated, made the safety miss and scored a touchdown that was, you know, maybe 60, 70 yards.
And, again, you say, you know, not everybody can do that. So, you know, and it was just great.
We never looked back since then. He's been productive every week in and out since then.
So that was week three against who? Tennessee. Tennessee.
All right, we're going to go find that. I mean, that's cool.
It's cool to have like a moment where you can look back and be like, oh, that's exactly what he was talking about. We're going to find that.
Was there one of those moments this year, you know, you guys are one in five. After that, was there an instant where you realized like things might be clicking or things felt different where you got a little bit more optimistic about the rest of the season? Well, you know, the way the games played out, I was pretty optimistic all the way through because we lost week one, but we moved the football well, scored 34 points.
Week two, we got it handed to us in Indianapolis. That was a disappointing effort.
Week three, we played Tennessee, and it came down to the final play. And so you knew Tennessee was a good football team, and we knew that we were one play away from having a win against them.
So, we felt we're a lot closer than it feels at 0-3. And then we went and won in Houston, and then we went to Seattle and played Seattle down to the final play.
And you knew that that game was one play away from it going a different way at several points in the game. So, you know, you started to say, boy, we played some undefeated teams where, you know, we were right there on the final snap of the game and just didn't get it done.
And so at one and five, we felt like we were closer than the record would suggest. And we had a bye week.
We had a chance to kind of regroup and evaluate and then have had a, have had a much stronger November. This is a really weird one.
You probably don't even know this, but December 30th, 2018. Did you happen to look in your Instagram comments right around that time? No, not that date or any before or any after.
Okay, because there was – I don't know how this happened. It was very, very strange strange there was a bunch there was so a bunch of brazilians were commenting on all your posts saying that this guy claudio cardosa who i guess is like some fat guy from brazil beat you in football in college football and you were literally getting like cyber bullied by these people saying free Claudio Cardosa.
Do you know Claudio Cardosa? Do you know who that is? I don't believe I do. I don't know him by the name.
They're saying he beat me in like a throwing competition or like a video game. So I'm looking at it.
So it was, I think this is free Claudio Cardosa's frag Claudio Cardoza. And then someone said, what the hell is going on with this hashtag? And someone replied, some guy in Brazilian AF group said that he beat Kirk Cousins while playing in the NCAA.
But the guy is so unathletic and short that it's obvious that the story is fake. But Brazilians in the Internet are zueros and the zuera never ends, so we are mocking Kirk for losing to Claudio Cardoso,

a.k.a. the GOAT.

I am all about that.

Hashtag free Claudio, I'm up on that.

It was so strange, and it just made me laugh so much

that some group of Brazilian people on the internet were like,

we're going to go after Kirk Cousins today. I'm totally okay with that.
Brandon's good. It was one of my funniest, like weirdest random stories.
And, yeah, around late 2018, Claudio Cardoso was coming. The rent was due, and he was coming for your ass.
I love that we're teaching you things about yourself that you might not have known because like this is our lives as a fan like we observe everything around the game correct and as you're actually playing the game you don't spend time worrying about stupid stuff like does my helmet make me look short on it does yeah well you guys you guys got a lot more i got a lot more swing thoughts now let's just put it that way yeah but who knows maybe they'll be helpful swing thoughts how much do you actually because every every you know quarterback says oh yeah i don't listen to that stuff i tune it out and i do think that there is some truth to it i do know we we've talked to guys and it's clear that they are able to tune it out but at some point you hear some of it right like how does that work is that just the tv's on or someone your phone or your friend says it or do you have like a strict policy don't bring outside noise into my head well we have an nfl mandated time to speak with the media every week so it makes it hard to uh to not hear it if they're literally asking you about it um but outside of that time i am pretty ignorant and uh you know there was a moment last year where a player on another team and you know made a comment about me and I played the entire game and knew nothing about it and after the game it was the first question I was asked and I said I wasn't even aware that he said it so ignorance is bliss I believe in that and as a result I try to stay as ignorant as possible my wife and friends and family So they're not updating me. But obviously, you know, there's certain things that you're going to hear it because you're talking to the media two, three times a week.
Well, here's, here's how you can spend all your money. Instead of putting it into mayonnaise jars, you could hire us to be your like security team.
We will give you a briefing once a month. Like, Hey, there's a fat Brazilian dude that's saying he kicked your ass in college.
What do you want us to do about it? We could do that for you. You guys would be worth the money if then you can go take care of the problem and make it go away.
We'll solve it. You can notify me and erase the problem.
Now you're really worth the pay. Okay, that's actually easy because we're like the mafia because half of the problems are us.
We create them. So we could just silence ourselves and be like, we got it, Kirk.
We'll stop saying you look short and you're purple. We know the guys.
Basically, I'm paying you to talk nicely to me about me on your show. It's corrupted that sound.
I think it's a good idea. Don't say it that way.
Today's daily briefing. There's a 5'8 weird-looking guy with long hair that keeps saying that his dumb intern looks exactly like a stronger version of you.
I'm going to make that stop immediately. Yep, we got that taken care of.
Done. Don't you worry.
Off your plate. Don't worry about that.
You guys are on the case. Yeah.
I'm just curious. Do you remember back when you – obviously, you remember when you got married, but your wedding registry went public back in D.C.
Yeah, that sucks. And a bunch of people bought you presents.
Do you remember getting a lunch pail from somebody? And do you still have said lunch pail? Because I got a very nice thank you note back. Yes, that I absolutely do remember.
I'm sure my wife was the one that sent the thank you note. Yeah, I said the handwriting was too, I said the handwriting was too good for it to be a franchise quarterback.
Too feminine. Yeah.
But I definitely appreciate that. I remember that, you know, the whole wedding registry, the fact that fans would do that is just awesome.
And it says a lot about, you know, the NFL and fans like yourself who do fun things like that. So yeah, we got some great gifts and we still still have a lot of them do you mean that though like was it really awesome or was there a part of you that's like this is kind of strange that i'm just having boxes show up from strangers that that just know me from you know watching me play on tv well it's strange but i'm totally okay with it and honestly it's an honor to get something as a gift from somebody i've never met

so i i appreciate it you're too nice yeah i don't like this you're too nice you know what he's doing this to us yeah he's doing this to us i don't like it pay us to do it because he's doing it do you have a photographic memory not that i know of i don't know how to test it but Well, let's go viral.

Week 12, last play before the touchdown to Chad Beebe.

What was the coverage this is gonna be crazy because kirk has a well so the last play before the touchdown it was a five-man rush we got man coverage right yeah yeah what about the touchdown play walk us through that touchdown play was i believe 44 man coverage and This guy's amazing. Safety came downhill.
I mean, the game was pretty recent, so you guys are giving me layups here. That was incredible, dude.
All right, here's one. 2011, four seconds left against Wisconsin.
There's actually no question here. He clearly didn't go across the line, and you know you know I appreciate your biased fan approach but I'll never forget when ESPN literally drew a red line vertically from the end zone up and the ball had crossed it that was Brent Musburger nope nope well guess what ball don't lie the Big Ten Championship which that had to be, even though you lost to Russell Wilson, that had to be a fun game to play.
That was one of the best college football games, back and forth, just craziness. When you're in those games, do you feel it? Do you have a moment where you step back and you're like, fuck, this game is awesome? Just like you said, it was a great game, two great teams, great players all over the field.
And it was the inaugural Big Ten Championship game. So to kind of kick off the first ever Big Ten Championship game the way that we did, it was in Lucas Oil, where the Super Bowl was going to be later that year.
It was a game I'll remember the rest of my life. Unfortunately, it was also one of the most heartbreaking losses of my career, being that we had dreamed of going to the Rose Bowl, and we were a matter of yards away from going.
But we obviously lost to a great team, great players. And like you said, I guess ball don't lie.
They won the game and went on to the Rose Bowl. I think you do have a photographic memory.
How about this one? December 26, 2015, it was the Redskins and the Eagles. There's six seconds left in the second quarter, and you're on the six-yard line.
What's the play call there? Well, that's a fascinating question that off-air I could maybe talk to you about for a little bit as a Washington fan. But part of the problem was we didn't have a play call.
Okay. Yeah, you do have a photograph.
That led to a lot of confusion and not my best moment as a player. Thankfully, the second half we took care of business and won the game, and it kind of disappeared into football history.
But that was an all-time, you know, not a good play on my part. This is crazy, man.
You remember everything. I just pulled that one randomly.
I'm surprised that you remembered it so quickly. All right.
I had one last question. The final question is brought to you by Cross Country Mortgage America's crazy good mortgage company.
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You can get it. Hy-Vee grocery stores.
It goes to Kirk cousins foundation. This one.
I don't understand. Uh, Rob Parker.
And when you were in college, just decided to just create a rumor that you beat up the Michigan State hockey team and then you came

out and you're like no I was at church with my dad why didn't you just say yeah I did I fucked him up like I beat up the entire Michigan State hockey team what's the why obviously so I was probably at a mega church that day yeah I wasn't able to make it to the hockey house for the party that turned into a fight.

But I think what happened was

one of the people involved in the fight was a part-time quarterback on the team and wasn't the starter. And so I'm sure through rumors, they just assumed it must have been the backup.
That's Kirk. It was Kirk.
But it was funny because my teammates thought it was so funny. I mean, you guys are already getting to know me.
Like, probably not going to be Kirk. That's probably not the best guess, if you're guessing, because I'm 100 football players on the team.
And so my teammates would go to class, and a sophomore in college girl would look at him and say, I can't believe Kirk beat that guy up. Yeah.
And they started laughing, like, you've got to be kidding me. At one point, they were going to sell T-shirts on campus that said, Kirk cousin or i party with kirk cousins on the back it was gonna say late nights and hockey fights oh that's good yeah i mean rob parker just totally made it up so it's uh that's what rob parker does i would let that just i'd be like yeah that sounds vaguely familiar rob i beat up the entire michigan state hockey if you remember that was that was the same roster it had brian hoyer and nick fo on it.
So I guess it was probably Brian Hoyer, if we're looking at between those three guys. Can you confirm that? It wasn't either of those names either.
But, yeah, it's crazy how loaded our quarterback room was back then. Drew Stanton just graduated, went on to a 13-plus year pro career.
Then Brian is in year 12 now. Nick has been mvp and uh and so it was a loaded room and um you guys must have won several national championships and big 10 championships that's a great roster um i got one last thing then we can let you go uh this is probably my favorite kirk cousins tweet of all time uh you said in my opinion the best movies do three things oh boy oh boy tickle your funny bone tug on your heartstrings blow your mind agreed do you stand by that because i think that they do i think great movies also make you think and what movie was that about so my favorite movies of all time are the ocean series okay you know i kind of like how there's some intrigue there's some mystery but it's really a comedy and uh they probably don't tug on the heartstrings as much as they they could to fit that criteria but those are those are my favorite movies and then um you know i just think anytime a movie kind of leaves you you know laughing and crying and kind of makes you think too i mean i don't know how you beat that so that's my criteria and i'm sticking with it probably could have worded it a little better than i did in that tweet no it's perfect it's a perfect tweet you gotta be you gotta be you because this is actually i'm gonna give you a ton of credit here this is probably the most like loaded uh rapid fire questions we've ever had for someone we've interviewed because we have so much Kirk C cousins history and you i've given you so much ammo so much over so many years i mean i'll say the quote again if i can't mock kirk cousins i also want to die so yeah you have done you have you've given us a great service and we thank you for that yeah we really do yeah anytime anytime i can be your doormat i'm happy to do it guys i'm an easy target and uh don't do that i i hate you because you're making me not hate you don't do that this is the worst way that this interview could have gone i would have rather yeah i would have rather you come on here and you just call me an asshole you cut the meeting off early and you're like i'll go sell my cereal somewhere else i don't need you clowns yeah but.
But instead, now I kind of like you, which sucks. Yeah.
We'll send an invoice though. When we, when we start bashing you again, and then you can tell us to cut it out for just remember that if, if that happens, you guys now work for me.
So ultimately I'm with true. We're compromised.
That's fine. No problem with that.
Thank you so much, man. Really appreciate it.
Good luck with the cereal Kirk cousins foundation andins Foundation and good luck with the rest of the season, man. Thanks, guys.
Blessings to you. Have a great Christmas.
Thank you. Thanks, man.
That interview with Kirk Cousins is brought to you by... Hey, it's Rhea from Tricks in the Office.
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We've got Embrace Debate and Guys on Chicks. What was your Embrace Debate? This is a hot one in the streets.
You've probably heard people talking talking about already big cat but as we know uh the olympics are always in the process of figuring out whether or not to add new sports what those new sports are going to be well one of the ones that's on the docket for the paris olympics is parkour parkour the ancient art of trespassing where you just kind of jump off things in the street uh now it's not so simple to just make the debate, is parkour an Olympic sport? Because the parkour society is actually protesting it and asking the IOC not to allow parkour into the Olympics. Why, you might ask? Because there has been a hostile takeover of the sport from the International Gymnastics Federation.
So gymnastics is trying to make parkour a gymnastics sport in the Olympics, a gymnastics event, whereas traditional trad parkourers are trying to keep it more of like a street sport. Got it.
So what's the debate? So embrace debate. Should parkour be an Olympic sport? No, but the tag should be.
Tag, like J.J. Watt's tag? Yeah, the parkour tag.
Or parkour tag. What's the difference between parkour tag and tag? I don't know.
Have you ever watched those videos where they're in a box and there's a bunch of rails and different things they can jump on? And it's like a confined area, and they just run around run around the floor is lava you're talking about the floor no i'm not it's it's park it's basically parkour but with an element of tag that's an olympic sport it sounds like a double dare because parkour i don't give a fuck i don't care about another sports where there's stupid judges telling you i want a sport where if you tag a guy you're there you go where there's a winner and there's a loser. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no, I agree with that. I think it'd be hilarious to see parkour in the Olympics, though, just to get the parkour athletes thinking that they're on the same level as Olympic sprinters.
Right. World chase tag.
This is it. Okay.
It's fucking sick. Yeah, that looks awesome.
Yeah, it's basically parkour. They're just running around, chasing each other in a box.
That should be an Olympic sport. Can you imagine a guy having the national anthem played for himself after winning first place in parkour? Yeah.
This sounds so shitty. This tag sport is ten times the sport of handball.
Ten times. What's the sport that's kind of like a combination of tag, but also you have to go across the other team's line

and then make it back.

Red Rover?

No.

Capture the flag?

No, it's...

Fuck, what is that called?

Capture the flag?

You have to, like, get...

Steal the bacon?

Yeah, steal the bacon.

That's what I'm thinking of.

Steal the bacon would be actually electric.

What about hide the salami?

Hide the salami would also be electric.

Actually, you know what?

That's just docking.

We're just back to docking.

I've never played Gaga.

Fucking should be in the Olympics.

Or soaking.

What?

Gaga?

Gaga?

No.

It's fun.

It's like dodgeball.

You hit your hand and if it's your leg, you're out and you're in a little square.

It's a sleepaway camp game.

I think that fucking should be an Olympic sport.

Prove me wrong.

What nationality do you think would have the best fuckers?

France?

France.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Athletic sex?

I don't know the answer to that question.

I don't know. Athletic sex? I don't know the answer to that question.
It's a weird question. I think you got to go France or Italy.
No, that's... I feel like one of those...
Brazil. Old-schooled USSR countries, too.
There was an old Trojan... Romania or some Yugoslavia.
There's an old Trojan ad... There's like an old Trojan ad campaign where it was that concept, Sex Olympics.

Oh, really?

Yeah, when you're in middle school

and you're Googling stuff on YouTube

because you're trying to see boobs,

that's what comes up.

How do you Google something on YouTube?

That's okay.

It's all right.

It was fine.

You're doing a great job, Billy.

I'm being positive this month.

I think we figured out the podium.

I think it's Brazil and gold and then probably Italy, silver, and then France, bronze. Too much hair in France.
Hank, guys on chicks. Sup, guys, especially dog dad of the century PFT.
I need a lot of help on this one because I haven't looked at my boyfriend or our dog the same since hearing this. Uh-oh his friends love to reminisce on their glory days in high school this is a typical occurrence which are just them saying they'd go d1 if it wasn't for that one injury etc billy can probably relate while we're smoking billy can't relate and eating a plethora of snacks my boyfriend's best friend brought up their first time smoking to all our surprise he tells us how boyfriend got so high, he spread peanut butter on his balls and had his dog lift them off.
My boyfriend didn't deny it and actually found it enjoyable. I know this because I have done the same thing as the dog did to him.
I am mortified. She loves peanut butter? How would you suggest I move forward with being somewhat Eskimo sisters with my boyfriend's dog? That sounds...
This whole thing sounds made up to me. Billy, do you have any advice? Rescue the dog.
Just get the dog out of there. Both...
Yeah. Call the ASPCA.
You know what? It could be like a Thelma and Louise situation. You just drive over and pick the dog up and you guys just leave town together.
I'd like to opt out of this conversation. That's gross.
All right. Well, here's one maybe that's more maybe that's really comfortable with it here's one that's more up your alley big cat sup big cat pft and honk what are the rules for hooking up with a dude with man boobs some guys like nipple play but i feel like if you do that to someone with actual tits yes they might get embarrassed don't i'll hang up and listen thanks don'tid nipples? I actually was thinking about it.
How funny would it be if I got breast reduction? I mean, that would be over. I don't think it'd be.
I think it'd be less funny. No, it'd be funny to be like, I need breast reduction.
That's like me saying, like, how funny, guys, do you think it would be if I got shin implants and went up to six, too? That'd be pretty hilarious. I think it's funnier if you're a little shubbier.
But you're short. I mean, my breasts, I have no problem with them.
You have a problem with your shortness. No, I don't have a problem with my shortness.
Sounds like you have a problem if you're thinking about getting reduction surgery. No, it would be as a joke.
Yeah. A mastectomy would be fucking, if I got my tits cut off? How would that not be funny? Like me wearing the shoes as a joke too right where are they today i don't i don't wear them every day what why i don't wear them every day i feel like it's the first thing you have confident myself let me see those shoes are those special these are running shoes let me see them you can they're running there we go okay yeah next hi i have a guys on chick's.
So my boyfriend and I were having sex and he started sucking on my ear when somehow he ended up swallowing one of my earrings, my favorite pair that my mom gave to me. I can actually believe this.
Is it wrong that I'm considering wear it after he, you know, shits it out? Oh, no. Yeah, you can.
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, clean it up.
I don't think it is going to, like, I don't think it's going to come out solo. Like you're going to have to like mine it out of the shit.
Correct. Yeah.
Yes. You'll have to get a metal detector.
Well, he's got to do that. He's got to start shitting on a paper plate and going to work on it.
I mean, it's his fault. I'm kind of curious, like the makeup of of this.
Does he have teeth? How was he able to, like, accidentally suck out an earring? I would imagine he was probably drunk. I feel like you could do that if you're drunk enough.
Yeah. You just kind of forget that you're sucking on an ear and then it's boom, earring.
Just check under your bed. Here's a callback and it's a compliment to Billy.
Hello, PMT. I formally wrote in asking how to attract people like Big a bonafide stunt.
Billy, I have it right here. It is real.
Jake apparently preached all my guys on chicks. Billy.
It's fine. Billy.
It's fine. Billy, I'm going to say two things.
One, I love you. You know that.
Two, other people love you. Thank you.
I don't know who, but someone else out there has to love you. Notice Hank and PFT aren't speaking up.
Big Cat speaks for all of us. Can we get the next question? We don't have to...
Billy, I think... You know what? Can we just get the next question? Why are we dwelling on this? You're a great friend.
You're going to make somebody else so happy someday? You're a nice guy. You're a really nice guy.
You're just going to make guy You're going to be a great friend to someone else Not me Oh God Billy You're trying to make Fetch happen Hey PMT I met this guy that I'm currently talking to Around three and a half years ago at work We became pretty good friends and I started I started liking him right away. But he had a girlfriend, so it never went anywhere.
We're both now recently single, but I think his breakup was a lot more recent than mine, and they dated for about three years. It doesn't feel like a rebound.
We've been getting really close, and I'm really starting to like him. How do I know if this is a rebound or if it could be something more? How soon is too soon to start getting serious with someone? I think you don't know that it's a rebound until afterwards.

Yeah, that's a good point.

In the middle of a rebound, it just feels cool.

Yeah, I agree with that.

That's a good take.

You can't be like, oh, this feels –

because even if it's on the surface of a rebound,

a rebound could end up being something bigger.

So it's really got to – it's got to almost go throughout.

You need an outlet pass.

Well, it needs to go through like you need to – It needs to happen and then you look back and you're like, shit, I was a rebound. Yeah, so a rebound could always be just a put back dunk until you hit the ground.
Correct. So you haven't hit the ground just yet, so it's impossible to know how to score it.
I also think that anybody that goes into a relationship right after getting out of one saying like, this is going to be my rebound um that's just somebody that's trying too hard to have a rebound right it's not even going to end up being a rebound yeah like yo bros this is just a rebound don't worry about it yeah don't worry i'm just gonna yeah hit it and quit it yeah all right last one a little bit of a sentimental one hey busters boys any advice for getting a tattoo i won't regret my brother 25 recently passed away and i want to pay tribute to him but i know he would hate the idea of a cliche my brother is dead tattoo p.s y'all are awesome especially billy and pmt bright in my brother's life he got me hooked a few years ago and it brightens mine too rest easy kyle and go red socks well that's uh i mean that's kind of a serious question yeah it is i is. I'm sorry to hear about your brother.
First of all, that sucks. One thing that I've seen done that is not bad is if you like have something that's handwritten from him and you want to take a word that he wrote and then get that word in his handwriting like a love or something like that on your body.
I think that that's a pretty cool thing to do sometimes. In all seriousness, I saw that in this kind of in the same vein.
If your brother ever drew a picture of you when he was a little kid and it was like a really bad picture and he wrote his name on it, that tattoo. Yeah.
I also think when you're getting a tattoo for a family member, like you're never going to regret that. It's not like a dumb like.
No, you have a Larry tattoo. I do regret that one.
Oh, you do? I regret the placement of it. I actually...
Well, first, sorry for your loss. I regret the size of it.
Sorry for your loss. Also, I'll just say it for the rest of us.
Can you just... If your brother's phone is still active, can you just make sure he's downloading the episodes still? Jesus Christ.
What? No, it's a good point. I mean...
He would have wanted that. Yeah, right? Like like that's kind of a nice thing that goes for everybody out there that has dealt with somebody just make sure that it's auto download that's every now and then you might have to go in and just be like do you want to keep downloading yes right even if they were like a bill simmons fan after they die steal their phone and then unsubscribe from him subscribe to us yes and two i've been thinking about getting a tattoo i really want one i don't know what to do i think i'm too old uh no you're not too old you're not too old yet one thing i would caution with what billy said though if you do end up getting like a picture that he drew when when he was like six years old be prepared for a lot of awkward conversations be like what the hell is that and then you having to be like my dead brother drew it and then them being like oh my god i'm so sorry you should get a mustache tattoo oh that way when you shave it no it's a face tat my first task gonna be a face and dive right in no i just i think i'm too old but i do want i want a couple tats what about what about the uh dolphin on the small of your back or angel wings a tramp stamp that would be sick um the if your brother had a sense of humor which he listened to this show so i'm sure i assume he did um you should just get a skull emoji and then your brother's name that would be cool too because like that's not lame it's not cliche people like what's the skull emoji for like my brother he's dead.
And then you can be like, thanks for asking, asshole. You basically have eliminated small talk for the rest of your life.
That's a beautiful thing. All right, we got the song? We got the song, Wednesday Afternoon Football.
Hell yes. It's a PMT song featuring Frank the Tank and Coach Dougs.
Yes. All right.
Let's do a number, and then we will play the song. Great song.
Here we go. We're going eight.
Eighteen. Sixty-nine.
I'll go 43. Thirty-nine.
Liam has 33. Whip-tailed lizards are all girls and reproduced without dudes.
Sixty-four. Nice never gonna get it How is this possible Can someone do the math Jake Makes no sense We should've hit it by now We have a 6% chance in here Cause it's 1% each No but that doesn't feel the right Why Why does that feel right? I don't know.
Everyone at Coco, everyone at Coco. Tuesday, we're in slow-mo.
Now it's time for the show.

AFC North, there's no love lost.

When did teams get together, record book and talk?

And twins.

It's Wednesday afternoon, yeah, you know what that means.

Tell your boss to shove it, because football's on the screen.

Humpday, humpday, what a day for football.

Humpday, humpday, let's watch football. Humpday, humpday, what a day for football.
Hump day, hump day, let's watch football. Hump day, hump day, what a day for football.
Wednesday afternoon means it's time to watch some football. How the night delight of the tree get lit.
We had a food and football game, so it couldn't fit. That's why we're kicking off at 340.
Ravens and Steelers on my TV.

Oh, can it be much better when these two teams gather?

They hate each other's guts.

That's quite nuts.