Michael Irvin, The Bears Suck, And The Dodgers Win The World Series

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Today is Wednesday, October 28th. And the Chicago Bears fucking suck.
Are we saying that the Bears are who we thought they were? Yes. The Bears are who we thought they were.
They stink. They have no offense for the...
I went back and I looked, PFT. In the last 20 years, in the last 20 years, the Chicago Bears have finished worse than like 50%, so half the league.
They've finished in the back half of the league in offense 15 out of 20 of those years. They are – it is the most Bears thing ever to just have an unbelievable defense and an offense that can't do diddly-poo.
And that's what we saw on Monday Night Football. It was an ass-kicking.
It was a fucking ass-kicking. I totally believe in just like team auras, right? Teams will have auras.
The Chicago Bears have DNA. It doesn't matter who's coaching the team.
It doesn't matter the actual physical people that are inside that building. If you just live in the city of Chicago and play football, you suck at playing quarterback and you have an awesome defense.
You can't move the ball down the field. This is why I've always said when everyone's like, well, we could have Patrick Mahomes.
Patrick Mahomes would have got hit by a bus if he had been a Chicago Bear. It's never going to be in the cards for the Bears to be able to move the football in any type.
The NFL has completely changed. Thank you for saving Patrick Mahomes' life, by the way.
Yes, Ryan Pace deserves that. He should be out the door, but he should get credit for that.
The NFL has completely changed. It is an offensive league.
You see the ball going up and down the field, like passing left and right, points, points, points. Over-unders are 50, 52, like shit that you wouldn't believe 20 years ago.
And the Bears are still the exact same Bears where it's a struggle to score like a touchdown. A touchdown.
They can't do. I think you guys need to lean into your identity.
Like you need to absolutely own the fact that you will never be good at passing the football. You got to go single wing.
You got to essentially run air force. Can't run it either.
No offensive line. Is that any different than it has been in the past? Yeah, you're running a game spin.
Sometimes you can run it. Occasionally you'll be able to run it okay.
But let's not go out here and try to have Nick Foles throw the ball 35 times a game. He obviously can't do that.
I think that the whole blow up between him and Matt Nagy, like like Brian Greasy put it out there on Monday football snitched on him a little bit I think that probably got overblown a little bit I don't know so I don't know Jim uh it was when when the Bears suck on prime time which they pretty much always do the the Bears are who we thought they were is like that win and uh when Corey Wootooten ended Brett Favre's career, those are pretty much the only good experiences. Maybe a couple, you know, Cutler, Marshall, and San Francisco.
But the Bears on primetime will almost always embarrass anyone who roots for them. And so that moment where Brian Greasy is like, yeah, Nick Foles doesn't even know.

Like the play calls don't make sense.

They get called in and he knows they're not going to work.

So if you actually watch it, you can see Matt Nagy throwing in the play call and you can see Mitch's face.

And he actually is like to the play call.

So it was almost serendipitous that it all worked out exactly at that moment. Mr.
Biscky's listening to the play call in his ear and being like, whoa, that's not going to work. Because guess what it was? It was probably another fourth down where they're like, hey, let's run a jet sweep to Cordell Patterson and see if it works this time.
Right. It's like a waiter in Kansas City offering somebody, guess what, we've got a really nice salmon tonight.
And the initial reaction is like, you know what? No, I'm going to stick with the steak on that one. Yeah, it was – I feel like what was actually said probably got like – it was a combination of the timing of when it was broadcast on TV and also the like translation to Brian Greasy.
But the bottom line is like Nick Foles doesn't feel like he has a second to do anything when he's back there passing. I've said this before.
Like Matt Nagy, I do not trust him as a play caller. I think he's a bad play caller.
But no play caller will look good with that offensive line. So there's at least a little bit of a – like, you could throw Andy Reid out there.
You could throw Chip Kelly in his – like, no one is going to look good with an offensive line that bad. He just makes it worse.
You guys should just trade for Johnny Hecker, have him be the quarterback. Dude, fuck Johnny Hecker the quarterback you play high school quarterback people don't talk about it a lot and he's also just a beast of a punter if you were to throw the ball on first down only and then punt every time it reaches second down with Johnny Hecker your offense would actually be better than it has been I would rather watch the defense than the offense which is the the ultimate Chicago Bears.
Watermelon punt. With all that said, and I think, listen, I'm still not going to apologize for 5-2.
People are getting confused. Have I said that the Bears were like an incredible team? I said, I'm running the luck train.
Like the Bears, they have won very lucky games this year. They're not a very good team, but sometimes in the NFL, you'll just get the lucky bounce and just ride it.
So I'm not going to apologize for 5-2, and I think they might even beat the Saints on Sunday. They're not good, but they could get lucky and get in the playoffs that way.
I'm experiencing like a Zach Gelfanakis at the casino blackjack table type moment right now because we've established that the Bears are who we thought they were. Correct.
But also, you are what your record says you are. Correct.
So you're 5-2, but you're also who we thought you were. Which is not 5-2.
This is Schrodinger's Bears. Are they alive or are they dead? You know what they are? They're a little bit better than average.
So average being 8-8. No, they're actually an 8-8 team that just gets – because it really does come down to the NFL.
8-8 team can be 10-6 or 6-10 based on a couple lucky bounces, and that is exactly what the Bears are. They're an 8-8 team that had a couple lucky bounces to start the season.
Yes. And if the couple lucky bounces continue, they could finish 10-6.
You need to be luckier than the average Bears team. Right.
And get, like, those extra two wins. Last year, they didn't have the luck.
They obviously fell off a cliff. You know what I mean? Like, that's kind of exact.
Going back to the first point that that's Chicago Bears football. It's like the good seasons are really just kind of lucky seasons.
We should also give a little bit of credit to the Rams. They're good.
I agree with your take that they're playing too fast. That's Mickey Mouse football.
When Sean McVay gets in his huddles and then he has his players shift around like it's a game of three card Monty at a carnival just to confuse the defense. We used to say back in high school, that's what happens when the other team knows they can't beat you.
They have to resort to the Mickey Mouse stuff. They're just running up-tempo.
Play man football. Huddle up.
Just run the ball right down the middle. It will stop your ass.
If you tell us that straight up you're going to run a full-back dive, maybe a half-back toss every third down when you're getting a little feisty, You let the defense know that and you can still beat them, then that's a man's football team. That's a team that you're proud to root for, not some rinky-dink Mickey Mouse Disneyland offense where you try to score more points than the other team like a fucking coward.
Cowards, exactly. No, the Rams are good.
The NFC West is just incredible, like top to bottom. All those teams are good or better than good.
And yeah, so that's kind of it. I don't really have anything else besides they are who we thought they were and I do think they're going to beat the Saints on Sunday.
I woke up this morning. I was so mad.
I had a headache watching the Bears. That's when you know your team sucks and also you just care a little bit too much.
I was physically getting ill watching their offense sitting on the couch on Monday night. And then I woke up this morning, and I was like, plus four against the Saints at home.
Drew Brees outside. Kind of like this spot.
What makes the Bears a little bit more frustrating than most teams when you're rooting for them, because they did bet on them last night, and there were times in the second half, like, don't get me wrong, they stunk. If you had bet on the Cowboys last Monday night, it was just, like, depressing the entire time.
If you had bet on the Bears, there were, like, three or four times where you kind of opened your eyes a little bit. You're like, they just got a lucky break, maybe, and then Nick Foles throws, like, a 30-yard interception.
Or misses a wide-open guy. Misses a wide-open guy or throws an interception in the end zone.
There were like three or four times where i was starting to think like maybe maybe this could happen with a little bit of luck shades of that arizona cardinals we are who they thought they were they keep you believing and it's bullshit it's bullshit i wasted sleep because of the bears in that fucking terrible offense so let's talk something that makes me feel a little bit better the cowboys so the cowboys were also in the news because mike nolan as bad as the cowboys have been they get they're getting now to circus level mike nolan had a zoom with reporters and it got interrupted because he had tabasco on his fingers and rubbed his eyes do i have that right yeah well he had yes he forgot to wipe his fingers off and he started poking his eye I don't know what he was doing, if he had a bug in there or whatever it was. And then he started crying, and then his eye got red, and then he got distracted, and he had to end the Zoom call.
I blame Jerry Jones for this. Yep.
If you're a good owner and you've got someone as shitty as Mike Nolan that's still employed, he shouldn't be allowed to season his food or have any flavor. You need to treat him like he's in prison.
Yes. Until he either quits on his own or decides that he's going to get better and be accountable and start to make improvements.
You need to take away all salt, pepper. He should not be eating hot food or spicy food at all.
So I put that on Jerry Jones. But it is one of these hilarious things.
Like you see shitty teams. This only happens to a bad team.
There's no way that this happens.

I know this has nothing to do with football.

There's zero chance that the Chiefs would go through this right now.

Yes, and if you're a Cowboys fan and everything sucks right now,

just know that once you step into this portion of the season,

it's actually better because I've always thought

that if your team's going to be bad, be a circus because circus is fun you know like a circus is something you can laugh at be so dysfunctional that these stories come out and you're like how is this happening J.R. Smith throwing soup or like whatever whatever crazy thing should happen hope that that happens so that you can root for just chaos yeah well what's going to start happening now that this story got so much attention,

there's going to be a big magnifying glass

on every small thing about the facility,

knowing that any small mishap is going to be like,

oh, look at the dumpster fire.

Yes.

Live look at the Cowboys.

Somebody gets locked in the bathroom,

and then that becomes a story.

Whereas if this was a team that was going to go 9-7 or 8-8,

Ed Werder will overlook the fact that Mike McCarthy has locked himself in a bathroom stall for the fourth time this year. But if it's this comically hilarious team, Ed Werder is going to go live with two cameras inside the bathroom to get comment from Mike Ashton, and he's flushing the toilet with one foot.
All these weird things are going to come to light, and I'm very excited about it. Yeah.
Jerry Jones doing his mad press conferences. You can really, it's like the, um, like post nine 11, when we had the threat level that they would put on the news every night, like where it is, you know, like it's green, it's red, it's yellow.
Jerry Jones being agitated on his weekly radio hit is pretty much the threat level for the Cowboys and how their season is going. Like, you know, it'll just be a saw...
I didn't even hear it or whatever. I just saw something just pass, glanced by my eyes being like, Jerry Jones apologizes for hanging up on someone or being agitated with someone.
He told them to shut up. Yeah, there you go.
Any other owner in the NFL, you don't really... Okay, it's a major, major story.
When it's Jerry Jones, since he does this radio hit every single week, you just kind of learn to ignore it. So today he said there's an old adage, don't piss an old man off with a little money.
It'll get you. There you go.
Jerry's telling everyone you want to stay in the will. He's threatening people.
This is a very dangerous Jerry Jones because he has nothing to lose. He's cornered.
Jerry knows that he's probably going to die in the next five years if he keeps going the way he is.

And God bless him.

I'm sure that he wouldn't change a damn thing.

But he also knows that I need to get me some glory hole, as he would put it.

I wouldn't be shocked if Jerry Jones tries to just change the rules of the salary cap,

being like no salary cap for these next five years.

Or just blatantly cheat and then let the next person do it. Bitcoin everyone.
And get him caught. Yes.
Yes. change the rules of the salary cap being like no salary cap for these next five years or just

blatantly cheat yeah and then let the next person bitcoin everyone getting caught yes yes um all right we're recording this after game six we're going to put this into the show we are all at home but we are hopping on a zoom because we figured world series the dodgers have won the world series our good close personal friend time of the sorter is not to kill himself. We need to recap the game, and I think we can all agree the game was Kevin Cash versus computer, and he let his computer fuck him in the face, and the Rays died by sabermetrics.
And congrats to the Dodgers and Clayton Kershaw, Mookie Betts, and everyone else. Yeah.
I mean, the Houston Rockets officially killed numbers in basketball. I think the Tampa Bay Rays, we can ignore the fact that they probably shouldn't have been in the World Series to begin with if it weren't for those numbers.
But those very same numbers came back to bite them in the ass. They got fucked by a spreadsheet tonight.
So for people who didn't watch, if you're watching The Bachelorette, if you were going to sleep early blake snell started i mean that is the first sign that he fucked up he took a blake out of the world series when he was absolutely dominating blake snell was 73 pitches two or two hits zero runs into the game and up he had uh the next guys next guys in the lineup, the next three guys were 0 for 6 with – or no, sorry, the next four guys in the lineup were 0 for 6 with six strikeouts. And he pulled him after a single in what was it, the bottom of the sixth? And was like, I'm yanking him.
The computer says we've got to go to the bullpen. I'm going to freak out.

I'm a nerd.

I've never realized that the game is played with emotion and humans

and not on a spreadsheet.

And then the Dodgers end up winning on a pass ball.

Mookie Betts then scores on a grounder to first,

and the computers have failed you.

So computers lose, Dodgers win.

That's the story of a great World Series. Right.
In the words of our good friend, Matthew McConaughey, nerds versus dorks. Kevin Cash was a dork tonight.
He should have been a nerd. A nerd is cool.
A nerd would know. In fact, an asshole would have known.
I think in a situation like this, in the postseason, if you have a team that's comprised of nerds in the front office controlling decision making you should have one asshole in the dugout and during the playoffs that asshole gets to fight the nerd or the dork that's telling them to do something completely against the asshole's gut feeling you get one fight you knock them out you get to take that decision making bring in like hire tony la russa to be the guy in your clubhouse that gets to fight the dork when he starts to manage with a spreadsheet uh because i mean i don't know shit about baseball i'll be i'll be dead serious about this when it comes no no you're seeing all that you're seeing i'm no i'm talking about when it comes to saber metrics okay yeah i don't know i know everything about baseball but when it comes to knowing about the numbers behind the game i'm a shithead i don't know anything but i can tell you in this circumstance you have to be a world-class dork to pull out blake snow well here here's the only counter argument to everyone who is saying that kevin cash is an idiot and he totally fucked this up which i happen to agree with the only counter argument that you could throw out there is this is how the rays have have played entire season. They have played this way the entire season, the old dance with the one that brought you.
If this is how you're going to play, if the system has always worked and gotten you this far, follow the system and keep following the system in the world series. But at some point, at some point, and it's kind of like a perfect microcosm for where we are with sports in general.
At some point, you have to realize the human element. Your guy is pitching an absolute stellar performance.
And we're in a gym. That's what we call it.
He's absolute shoving. If you want to be a real seam head, he's shoving on the bump.
And then take him out because oh you're the third time

through the lineup and this is kind of what you've done every single game i it just it's baffling so

i you know i wanted a game seven i think we all wanted a game seven i am happy for clayton

kershaw i'm very happy for magic johnson i'm very happy for tommy lasorda mookie betts um i don't

know who else are we happy for anyone else walker lebron james got a lebron james it's a real title

It's a real title. LA's title town.
Walker Buehler's got a cool name. I'm trying to think who else is like...
A lot of good beards on the team, too. I like those.
Cody Bellinger's cool. I'm cool with him.
I'm tight with him. I'm happy for the stadium.
They've got a cool, like, nice retro feel in the stadium out there. We were really high when we were at that one time it felt like a nice warm cozy place yeah the best was when we took uh when we went out to dodgers dodger stadium and took edibles and then those like 50 year old i think they were like real hollywood type of guys uh were standing in line with us and asked us what we did because people kept on coming up to us asking for pictures and we were so high we like couldn't we couldn't describe what a podcast was well i just we i think we were just in line for food and our explanation was well we're going to get too many helmets of ice cream where you get some pretzels and the dodger dogs and maybe some nachos the ones that come in the plastic bag with the with the neon yellow cheese that you get to dip it into and he was like no but no, but what do you do? And we're like, we're snacking.
Yeah, we are snacking. I did learn a fun fact about the third time through the lineup tonight.
So that's going to be one little bit of information that I grasp onto for the next 50 years about how you always pull your former Cy Young winning pitcher out when it's the third time through the lineup, because it's, I guess it's like, it's tough to beat Belichick, you know, three times in a year or it's tough to beat anyone in football three times in a year. Same thing with baseball.
So if you see the same batter three times, he's probably going to hit some taters off you the third time. The other only explanation I can give is if you're Kevin Cash, you just have to say like, what happens if I ignore the computers? And then 20 years from now, when they run the world, they look back in time and they want to know why I was insubordinate to the computers.
So if you think about it from that perspective, Kevin Cash was right. It was future self-preservation on his part.
So I guess he was playing chess while we were playing checkers. Here's the only other thing i'll say that's positive about kevin cash tonight usually we blame managers to when managers and coaches who clearly manage and coach for uh like the the public consumption it's the pat shirmer like the box scores they don't want to lose by by 21 so they'll start punting when they're down 14 with like seven minutes left in the fourth quarter, that kind of stuff.
Kevin Cash doesn't give a fuck because no one would have blamed him if he kept in Blake Snell and Blake Snell gave up a home run or hit there. Everyone would have been like right choice.
Instead, he was like, fuck this. I'm going to be bold, and it's going to blow up in my face, and I don't care.
So the only other thing I'm thinking of is like, what the hell does Blake Snell do when he gets in the locker room? Does he fight? I think you have to take a swing at him. You have to take a swing.
And by him, I mean Kevin Cash's computer, obviously. I think, yeah, you can – so in terms of being a Blake, I think it's totally inbounds to take a baseball bat directly to the monitor and the CPU.
Maybe fill up the entire shower down there in Arlington and then throw the computer into the filled bathtub and just absolutely destroy it. But I think it's very un-Blake-like behavior to actually try to fight your coach.
I think that Blake-like behavior would be get in your car, drive home after destroying the computer,

crank up the nickel back, and just scream at the top of your lungs, holding the steering wheel on the way home. Yes, yes.
Do we have the World Series MVP? I think it's probably Kevin Cash. Is that right? They're awarding it right now.
Probably Cora Seeker, but maybe Kevin Cash? Let's see. If it was Kevin Cash App, he would have won.

If he was Kevin Cash App, he never would have made such a risky decision.

I'm looking – we're going to give you – we're going to say it.

Where's Tommy Lasorda too?

Someone make sure they keep their eyes on Tommy Lasorda here.

I think Tommy's going to make sure –

His trainer had to – or his physician had to stab adrenaline directly into his heart,

like in Pulp Fiction.

Yes.

Yes. All right, so they're about to announce it.
Was it Mookie? Hank, can you find it? Can we find it? I guarantee you Jake already knows. I think it's Corey Seager.
Yeah. They're doing it now.
Yeah, but Jake knows like five minutes before everyone. And everyone's going to be sappy about Clayton Kershaw.
Justin Turner came out of the game because he had a test, a positive COVID test. That sucks.
So now he can't celebrate? Asterisk. Jesus.
Damn. That's got to be the worst.
You can't. They just didn't even – they were just like, yeah, he had a positive COVID test and just kept on trucking.
I'd also like to say that the Washington Nationals are still current regular full-season World Series champions. That is true.
For the record. That had gone to Game 7.
What the fuck would have happened? What? Yeah, the COVID? Yeah. That's a great point, Hank.
Holy shit. I didn't even think about that.
Keep Tommy away from them. Yes.
How does, does like the whole team must have it so yeah so the whole team is probably at high risk of infection rob manford is going to get covered he wasn't where he is did you see do you see like two seconds ago rob manford got up to the podium he was just standing next to all the dodgers players and he just stuck his finger all the way inside of his nose it's Rob Manfred probably just gave himself COVID during the World Series trophy presentation. It's so funny that Rob Manfred's about to boast about successfully finishing this season while the World Series champions all have COVID now.
Oh, my God. Get Magic Johnson away from them, too.
Yes. Yeah.
He should not be on the field right now. All right.

I'm just going to say it's Corey Seager.

The World Series MVP is Corey Seager.

They're taking way too long to announce it.

Rob Manfred picked his nose.

Like you said, PFT got booed.

The Dodgers owner gave the longest, weirdest speech.

I'm out.

Thank you, baseball. Thank you for coming back for your 60-game season.

This was a fun World Series.

It actually was very entertaining.

I will miss baseball as soon as we realize we have no sports on tomorrow night.

We literally have no sports tomorrow night for the first time in like three months.

So thank you.

Thank you.

I appreciate baseball.

We sleep on Wednesday.

That's what our motto is.

Hank, I have one last question for you.

Do you think that Brian O'Halloran – is that his name?

Brian O'Halloran, the GM for the Red Sox,

do you think he gets a World Series ring?

Probably not.

I don't think so, no.

He might get fired.

Sure?

Mookie Betts, yeah.

Maybe he gets a job.

Maybe this is a long play on his part.

Yeah.

All that matters is space. You can have a world series ring or you can have like room to maneuver.
And, you know, that's right. You guys could get like a hundred players, right? It's, it's, it's, you gotta think big picture PSA.
Yeah. And also imagine all that tax, like all the tax you would have had to pay.
The payroll tax would have been just astronomical. So from a financial standpoint, I think we can all agree in a pandemic, the Boston Red Sox are the real winners.
Tiger meme. How could I? I will never financially recover from this.
There you go. All right, let's get to our ad, and then we'll do Hot Seat Cool Throne.
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Okay, hot seat, cool thrown, Henry. Daniel.
In his conductor pants. Rude.
What do you think about Hank's pants? Do those have a zipper on the knee? Is that a knee? You got a knee zipper? That's just for drugs, isn't it? No. Anytime I see a zipper pop up in a place that I'm not used to seeing.
I wear sweatpants at work every single day. That is for a dime bag.
The one day I wear normal pants. Pick it.
You're wearing shoes that are 17 different colors. Oh, shit.
Oh, here we go. These are pretty nice, actually.
Let me see those trousers. Literally, they're nice.
Let me see your shoes. And they're nice.
You can't match them with anything because they're a hundred different colors. Wow.
Who would ever wear a shoe? I mean, you're wearing pinstripes. I'm wearing nice pants.
Sorry. One day a week of my life, I was like, I'm going to wear pants that I would wear out in my suit.
They're cargo pants. TFT's wearing teal sweatpants.
Yeah, I am. You're wearing head clowner pants, and you're coming at me for wearing pants with stripes.
It looks like you're the head chef at an Applebee's. Yes.
That's what those, you got the baggy, like, yeah. You sell us a bag of Coke behind the fucking dumpster.
You don't even watch fucking Mandalorian wearing a Baby Yoda sweatshirt. Yeah, you're a Baby Yoda, dude.
You fucking poser. Baby Yoda? I'm trying to sell merch.
Poser. Hank, you're wearing a trucker hat despite you don't have a driver's license.

Oh. That's not true.

I do have a driver's license.

Yeah, but I wouldn't ride with you.

We're roasting each other.

Anyway, speaking of things that you roast me for, my hot seat is vacations.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

So everyone knows I'm a huge advocate of vacations.

People in the United States, especially you guys, there's a lot of vacation shaming that goes on there. The latest victim, Kim Kardashian West.
No. I don't know if you guys saw this, but today she posted on Twitter.
It's her 40th birthday. She posted a long thread.
I don't know if she thought, how she thought this was going to go for her, but it didn't go well. She said, after two weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal for just a brief moment in time.
And like in this thread, she was talking about how great it felt to be, you know, feeling normal. And everyone was just like, who the fuck has the ability to take 50 people to a private island? Normal.
So she was getting vacation shamed. And as you know, someone who is an advocate for vacations, it's sad to see.
That's an advocate for i have sad to see so vacations are on my hot seat her family there or like kanye her family no kanye okay so devin booker devin booker was on the guest list 50 people how many phoenix suns were on this guest just one just one uh i i know what this is this is just like straight up a let's get away from kan weekend. Yeah.
Which I think like, okay. Acknowledge.
Coincided with Joe Rogan. Yeah.
That makes sense. So wait, the, um, she was like, yeah, this is just, we wanted to pretend like life is normal.
We danced, road bikes, swam near Wales, kayaked, watched a movie on the beach and so much more. Normal shit.
I realized that for most people, this is something that so far out of reach right now so in moments like these I'm humbly reminded

of how privileged my life is. Wait, right now?

Hashtag this is 40. It's

out of reach all the time.

For all of us. I like that.

Listen, most people during

a pandemic can't go to

Bali and set up a movie theater

screen on the sand and watch

a preview of Tenet. But we can

and once this all gets back to normal

I'm hoping that all of you will be able to

do that as well. People who've lost their job being Thank you.
screen on the sand and watch a preview of Tenet. But we can.
And once this all gets back to normal,

I'm hoping that all of you will be able to do

that as well. People who've lost their job being

like, what I really miss is being able to take

50 people to a private island. I still don't want

to see Tenet. That movie really got

fucked. Big time.

Why is everybody... Tenet

is the Deshaun Watson of movies.

Everyone feels bad for Tenet coming out

this year and no other film that was going to come out this year or next. It's bad for Tenet coming out this year and like no other film that

was going to come out this year or next.

It's like all about Tenet, Tenet, Tenet.

The reason why I'm mad about Tenet

is because I just get confused

watching the trailer.

I think everyone that saw it said it was confusing

as shit too. Everyone in the movie

sounds like... When is it coming out?

It came out but it was in states where you could go

to the movies which was like no states. Do we have a phone in this studio? Pick it up.
Pick it up. Yeah, what the hell? What is going on? Who's calling? Lenny? Pick it up.
Hey, Susie. Yes, patch him through.
We sent you several notices in the mail that you have yet to What are you talking about? Press 5, Hank. Let's talk to him.
Did you think that was a real person there? No. Oh.
I don Alright Did you hang up? Did you hang up? I did but it wasn't going through I don't even know Like I don't think our phone system works like that I wanted to talk to The clown pants aren't funny Alright Wow Hank He's looking me up and down Yeah Jeans Hank would have passed that call through I don't even wear fucking jeans He's looking me up and down At Yeah. Jeans Hank would have passed that call through.
I don't even wear fucking jeans.

He's looking me up and down.

At least that's one of the jumpsuits I got you for Christmas last year when you guys didn't get me a gift.

Yeah, we got the gift of you taking another vacation.

No, I haven't.

I bought you a gift.

We literally gave you our vacation.

My gift for you literally expired before you got back for me to give it to you. We told Erica, Hank will take our vacations.
I like your pants. Positive vibes.
Thank you, Billy. Wait.
You're happy that Billy said he likes your pants? Yeah, he's not fucking 100 years old like you guys. It's good to be in touch with the kids.
It looks like a braille word for corduroy. No, he looks like a train conductor in a fucking children's book that I'm going to read to my son tonight.
It's drip. It's drip.
I don't have much drip. I got that Polar Express drip going on.
Henry the sad train conductor. Choo-choo.
Jeez. My cool throne is justice.
Law and Order Hank? Okay. Winslow? Big fan of ACB.
The NCAA is back.

UMass tennis girls' tennis team got stripped of an A-10 title

in three years of wins.

What?

Because they self-reported reimbursing a player

for a $252 phone jack in their room.

So, like, the players, they didn't know that they had the phone jack,

and they were like, oh, like, you know,

we didn't know this was part of our dorm or whatever. Why did they need a $252 phone jack? No, they didn't know it was in their room.
So they got charged for it, and they were like, we didn't know this was in our room. So UMass was like, we'll pay for your phone jack because we didn't tell you guys this was in your room.
Oh, got it. Then they're like, just to be safe, we'll report this.
Unbelievable. And then they got stripped of three years of wins and an A-10 title.
Okay, well, we will know. So justice is on the cool throne.
We will no longer acknowledge those 252 wins are their A-10 title on this show. We're going to have to take back all the parties we threw.
What's a phone jam? Yeah, we're going to have to delete at least seven episodes. What the hell is a phone jam? What's a phone jam? No, it's actually a fair question for someone your age.
Is it like a charger? No, you plug your phone into the wall. Right.
And you know what an Ethernet cable looks like? That little weird blinky thing at the end? That goes into your phone. And then you can use your phone to make phone calls.
House phone. Like a landline? The landline.
Billy's looking at a picture of it right now. It's like an okay.
It's like an Ethernet cable, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. It's an Ethernet cable for boomers.
But why would you have that in a hotel room? No, like their dorm. Because you used to have to use a phone in your dorm room that wasn't a cell phone.
Mm-hmm. These girls were on scholarship, and they got put in a room.
They got charged for having a phone jack in their room. Oh, gee.
So then they were like, this is bullshit because we don't even use a fucking phone jack because we're not boomers. So then the team was like, all right, we'll give you the $252 that you got charged for it.
Bang. That's fucking...
Wins vacated. No, I agree with Justice.
If you don't... Listen, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.
And you need to draw a line. Man's got to live by a code.
And this code is no handouts. Good hot seat, cool throne, Hank.
Thanks. Great job.
Yeah. Is that it, Hank? For hot seat, cool throne? Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
My hot seat is toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity.
Shaming? Because people will shame each other for clothes they wear. No, that's not toxic masculinity.
Yeah, it is. That's toxic as fuck.
That's boys being boys. No, it's PMD special.
You look like a waiter at Al Capone's funeral. Yeah, you definitely.
Yeah. You look like a Halloween costume.
You're wearing the bottom half of a Halloween costume at an Orange County adult Halloween party in California. Check it out.
Hey, you like my Tommy gun? You look like you're at a janitor-themed bar mitzvah. You dress yourself blind.
Everything you're wearing is free. I don't think you've ever put together an outfit.
I would never wear anything like that. It's more interesting.
If I gave it to you, if I was like, hey, PFT, we got Cynthia's pants, you'd wear them the next day. Is it more embarrassing that I'll wear this or that you'll pay money for that? Thank you.
Anyways. We're going to have to tweet out a picture.
This basically became a pants show. It's going to be a fit-off.
It's going to be a fit-off. We'll put it up on a poll.
What, Billy? His pants look like a Lazy Town character, which is kind of like in now. I don't participate, but it's like I get what he's going for.
Yeah, no, they're like the pants that Lou Pearlman gets to wear in jail. R.I.P.
Well, not really. Did you say R.I.P.
for guys like that? Is he dead? I'm pretty sure. The guy from Sons of Anarchy? Yeah.
He's fat as fuck. No, he's the guy that managed Backstreet Boys.
Oh, big time dead. He's dead? D-E-D dead? No, we don't do RIP for him.
No, we're not. He got canceled and died.
We're just like, thanks. Thank God he's dead.
That's fucked up. We call that the Siciliano.
Jake's mad about that. All right.
All right. My hot seat is toxic masculinity.
So there was a guy from Pro Football Focus who said that, in my humble opinion, IMHO, attacking the Cowboys for not going after Bostick, who by any means wasn't a threat to Dalton anymore, is toxic masculinity at its peak. So this guy from Pro Football Focus, I think he's in Germany.
He's a German guy, right, Billy?

They love hiring guys not from

America to tell us. They do.

How to watch our sport. America's team

and America's sport. That's toxic.

You want toxic masculinity? That's toxic Germaninity.

Yeah, stop talking about our sport, bro.

Forgive me. Stick to fucking Bayern not covering

the spread today. Forgive me for not wanting

to trust what a German has to say, a bunch of people

with stars on their shirts. I'm not going to go down that road but you're taking me there pro football focus moo uh but he said basically that we should not be shaming the cowboys for not defending any dalton uh meanwhile every person that's ever played football has responded and been like this is this is incorrect yes because because there is something to be said for, like,

you send a message to the person that's going to hit your next quarterback.

Absolutely.

So, like, and if you don't have your one,

Billy, you probably can speak to this better.

I actually.

When you got knocked out, did your offensive lineman have your back?

They did have my back.

But you're not supposed to touch the person who's knocked out.

This is actually a very important fact for viewers out there.

Why?

Because when they banned smelling salts, it was because that the unconscious people would jolt their heads back after smelling them. And if they had a fracture in their neck, it would crack their neck and make them paralyzed.
So you're not supposed to touch someone who's knocked out. That is a complete urban legend.
It's not. That's why they ban smelling salts.
That's why. You do smelling salts every weekend.
Right, right. Every single weekend.
But that's why they don't give people who are knocked out smelling salts anymore because they jolt their head back and it moves their neck and can cause a serious neck injury. So the Cowboys should not have been touching the lifeless, not moving Andy Dalton on the floor.
They should have been fighting. Yeah, they should have been fighting.
You shouldn't be touching. No touching, only fighting.
Exactly. I agree with that.
Or call the police. Call the professionals.
That's what Pro Football Focus guy wants you to do. If you see something like happening to your quarterback, don't be a hero.
Call law enforcement over and have law enforcement take care of it. That's also just a classic case of a guy just trying to be like, everyone thinks this, let me show you how I think differently.
It's a nerd that learned about a very serious issue that heard somebody talk about toxic masculinity one time. He's like, I'm going to fit this into everything that I write about.
We're not saying like, go kill John Bossick. We're saying like, hey, maybe have a problem with your quarterback's head getting taken off.
Hold him accountable. So it doesn't happen again.
Exactly. So it doesn't happen to Gucci Danucci.
Yes, he's in trouble now like if somebody comes over to your house and like hits your dog are you and but then they're not then they're not hitting your dog anymore are you gonna be like okay we're cool now just don't do it let me just let me just make sure my dog's okay first yeah i'll fucking kill that you're going through the plate glass window i'm not gonna ask you if you want to stick around and fuck my wife i'm gonna throw you out the front door yeah charles barkley asked boom throwing him out the. Throwing him out the window.
All right. What's your cool throw? Oh, yeah.
Sorry. I get a little worked up on that hot seat.
That's toxic masculinity. We're fucking working to a lather.
Hand up. I just killed a guy in my head.
Yeah. We just got- A guy that attacked Leroy.
So jacked up, we went literally like three minutes without mentioning Hank's pants. Yeah.
That'd be a good name for the brand of those pants. It's just toxic masculinity.
Right, Hank? What's your cool throne? My cool throne is being a human being. So, Baseball Prospectus has announced that they are no longer allowing writers to refer to players as being assets.
So Baseball Perspectives is a magazine. What do you call it? A quarterly? Sure.
A journal? Who cares? It's something. And what they've done for the last 25 years, their whole reason for existence has basically been to distill baseball down to numbers games and a spreadsheet and be like, here's what's being undervalued, here's what's being overvalued and now they've realized through the Astros accomplishing what they've accomplished that maybe they should talk about players like they aren't numbers So this is kind of like when they went they don't do disabled lists anymore It's injured reserve What is it? What is it? What is it instead of disabled list? D word able bliss.
I'll injured list. That's right.
Our word list. Yeah.
Jesus Christ. This is the type of decisions that people make that you're just playing into the angry guy online.
Like you make a decision about a fucking word that no one has ever thought twice about. They now can just argue about like they're trying to take away our words asset.
Yeah. What? Yeah.
You can't even say asset anymore. Sorry for this offense.
But it's funny because baseball prospectus has been like their entire mission statement has been pissing off guys like that. Right.
For other reasons. And now they're like doubling down.
They're saying, hey, we're going to call ourselves out on being problematic. Getting all the way in.
Even though they created this entire movement that's going on right now where players are literally looked at as only assets. Correct.
Like the Tampa Bay Rays, they have a roster of – Ascent laden. They are all assets.
Right. They are thick.
Their assets are prime and plump. Mm-hmm.
All right. My hot seat is myself.
Ready for this, Hank? Myself. I'm on the hot seat for doubting my friend Henry Lockwood because, Henry, you said to me on Monday that just you wait about the cocoa and your football teams.
Well, I'm sorry, Hank. You were right.
This coronavirus thing, we should probably shut down all the seasons because Graham Mertz has the cocoa and so does Chase Wolfe and they're thinking about canceling the Wisconsin-Nebraska game. And Hank, you were right.
Thank you. 100% you were right.
I know. I appreciate your apology.
So I'm sorry. Apology accepted.
Why do you keep looking me up and down? He's eyeing you. He's eyeing me.
He across from you I have no choice Alright, but yeah, this sucks Everything sucks What are you going to do? Vandenboom time? Vandenboom Or just cancel the season And become like Maybe I'll just become Dan Woken They should never have played in the beginning with But also keep the 1-0 record Yeah, Dan Woken cats dan woke cats yes that's i'm down for that like i'm down to just shift and be like you know what the big 10 was a bad idea yeah well i mean 21 days is a lot it's so stupid but god damn it is can i just admit to something yeah a hand up i have no idea what's the right amount of days again i don't either 21 just feels but 21 just feels long. It sounds like a lot of days.
Way too many days. It sounds like way longer than 14 days or even 10 days.
Way too many days. Way too many days.
You know what you can do to your body in 21 days? I could completely transform my body in 21 days. All right.
My cool throne is everyone, all the LeBron haters out there, because we've got officially an asterisk on this title. Via Pat Riley.
Ever heard of him? He knows sports. He knows basketball.
He said the other day, they beat us fair and square. They were the best team.
But there's always going to be an asterisk, that caveat. If we had Bam and Goran, Goran was our leading scorer in the playoffs at 100%.
It could have gone to seven games or whatever. So there you go.

He said, there it is.

And then someone asked to clarify because they're like, hey, dude,

sounds like you're putting an asterisk on this whole thing.

And he's like, let me just clarify real quick.

The asterisk is next to the Heat's name, not the Lakers.

Their title is legitimate.

Our loss has an asterisk.

Oh, I like that.

The Lakers were the better team, period.

So the Heat could kind of claim co-champions. Correct.
Correct. So it's not actually LeBron hating, it's just stating the fact that the Heat would have been better.
We've finally figured out how this shakes out. LeBron and the Lakers, NBA champions.
Miami Heat, NBA champions, asterisks. Correct.
They get the astersterisk for their championship. Congratulations, Jake, to your 2020 Miami Heat NBA champions asterisk.
Thank you. Thank you, Jimmy Butler.
Great player. Yes.
Number one overall. Asterisk.
That's huge. Billy, you got her hot seat cool thrown? Yes.
My hot seat is the United States of America. Now, we've been waiting about we've been talking about this for a long time.
We've been in a big denial about the whole thing. But finally, a murder hornet nest has been found within the United States borders in Washington.
And 100 to 200 murder hornets have been found. But we sucked that thing dry, right? We stuck a vacuum up its ass.
The queen is still in the tree. They have not been able to get it out.
How can you tell if it's the queen? Cut the tree down. How many murders have they committed? The murder hornets have arrived and they're breeding and they're here.
And we should be afraid. No, I refuse.
Why can't we either... Until they murder someone,

they're not murder hornets.

They're here.

They murder...

For C's.

Hot seat us.

Second degree.

We've been denying it for months,

and they're finally here.

Lame-ass murder hornets.

You know what they are?

Right now, they're just trespassing hornets.

They're here?

Yeah, they haven't done shit.

Billy, you would hang out with this shit.

No, I was in denial. I was in denial.
I was in denial, but I think we should start taking them seriously. Okay, so one, here's some creative solutions.
One, cut down the tree like Big Cat said. Number two, just light that entire area of the forest on fire.
Burn it. Yeah.
Burn the whole fucking forest. Right.
Let's light the western forest on fire. Perfect right cool throne did we stutter there otherwise there'll be murder hornets everywhere billy cool throne pirates okay pirates back off the coast of england heard there's some pirates oh really you did you you say that like you just like i heard it like through i heard it like someone just was like hey billy you hear about these pirates there's some.
Where did you hear it? I saw it on the Internet. There's pirates.
Okay. I don't know if they're traditional piracy.
Billy's Hot Seekful of Thrones is just trying to get like Billy's sources out of it. Uh-huh.
No, I mean pirates. To be fair, saying I saw it on the Internet is better than most of Billy's sources.
Yes. Like I heard this guy.
I heard it. There's some pirates.
Okay, where? Tell me more pirates. They did the little hijacking of the pirates.
Oil ship. Yeah.
The pirates hijacked an oil ship. Yeah.
But no, but they haven't done it in a long time. They made a whole movie about it.
Cool throne. I'm the captain now.
But that was like 10 years ago. Pirates are back.
No, what? That was about like present day. No, but there's pirates now.
Right. There was pirates when they made the movie.
Right, but that was like 10 years ago. You think there were stopped being pirates? There's been a pause, the 10-year dormant period of pirates? Pirates were like, oh, damn, Tom Hanks is in a movie with us.
Tom Hanks has COVID. It probably inspired more people to be pirates.
Well, absolutely. Made the pirates look awesome.
Yeah, well, now there's pirates. I didn't hear about pirates since then.
Now there's pirates. If you were a Somali pirate, you'd be like, damn, they caught that pedophile.
Let's all be pirates so we can catch a bunch of pedophiles. Exactly.
I don't actually believe it. Anyway, next cool throne.
Yeah. My hedgehog outpicked Leroy.
Went four and two on the week, past four days. What happened to positive vibes, Billy? Yeah, it's not very positive.
I mean, Leroy's still 5-1. Yeah.
That's pretty good. Anyway.
Really just running up the score. Sad that you have to drag others down to build yourself up.
I'm just saying they went head-to-head and Hedgehog won. Okay.
Okay. Great job, Billy.
All right. Good job, Billy.
Good job. All right.
Let's get to our interview with Michael Irvin. Before we do that, we're going to get right back to the show.
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Okay, here he is, Michael Irvin. Let's just get into it.
So we have Michael Irvin on, Pro Football Hall of Famer, needs no real introduction, three-time Super Bowl winner, the playmaker, you know him, you love him, Cowboys Miami legend. So we're talking about you wearing, being someone who doesn't have AirPods, and you have the cords just dangling out there all screwed up on.

I mean, look at them.

They look like a mess.

Just like this right here.

Just like that right there.

Just leave that like that.

That means action.

That means you got action on this cord.

You got action on the cord.

So are a lot of people yelling, Mike, Mike, I want a picture, and you probably don't even have anything on in your ears. You just have the cord.
You're doing the fake out, right? But listen, and I don't mind taking pictures. I really don't.
Now, but this is the case. You guys should get some of this.
You guys know you're the number one podcast, so you know. People like to take on the discussions that you've had and when they see you they want to get in what they got to get in because they watch you on tv or they watch you or they listen to you on the podcast and they'll come back and they'll come Michael you remember two weeks ago when you guys were talking about the Giants I'm gonna tell you something yeah you said I'm like dude you know we've had a bunch of conversations and I have to, so I try to keep moving from that.
Now someone's up on me. And as long as we're not in a bar and there's alcohol around, I don't mind taking a picture with you.
But now if we're in a bar and we're out having to drink stuff, don't ask me to take a picture in this bar. There's nothing good coming out of that.
I'm a 50 year old man and we're sitting here and we got i just at restaurants outside we can do all of that yeah but not at a bar yeah and if you have one beer in your hand people assume that that's your 10th beer of the night no matter what after the picture's taken there's no context it's like actually i only had seven of them in three shots totally different get that taken out of context real fast, I want to talk to you right off the bat. You said you came in hot to this Zoom call.
We asked you how you were doing. You said, don't ask me that damn question.
I'm mad because the Dallas Cowboys are in the state that they're in right now. You are very in tune with the Dallas market with Jerry Jones.
What's Jerry inclined to do right now? Is he thinking about firing Mike McCarthy? I don't think Jerry's ready to go there. And I think what right now, what's saving it all is everybody's being able to put what's happening on the pandemic.
You know, well, we've had situations. And quite honestly, though, I give them no excuse for this.
I'm just giving the reality of this. I don't think we've seen a team hit by injuries like the Dallas Cowboys.
I don't know if ever in the history of the NFL, both offensive tackles, not just offensive tackles, these two pro bowlers gone. Your starting pro bowl center retires on you then the second guy that look he goes and get hurt he's out zach martin was the only guy that was consistent and then he's in and out of the lineup and then not only do you lose your whole offensive line because guys i tell people all the time if there's one missing, you can kind of hide that in the midst of an offensive

line. And you'll struggle when

there's two guys. But you start getting three

and four missing, you're back. You're back

up guys. And I jokingly

say it all the time. And I said it

last week on our show. Like, I don't

want to hear that. I don't want to hear

nothing about damn offensive

linemen. Listen, I tell

my kids when I do camps, when I do football camps, I tell all my young kids, all my young offensive linemen, I give them the rule, the number three rule. Here's the rule of threes, I mean, the rule of threes.
When you grow up, you're going to be 300 pounds. The guy across from you, he's 300 pounds.
All you have to do is stay in front of him for three seconds,

and some team will pay you $300 million.

One day.

One day.

And I know it sounds crazy, but that's really true.

And by the time they get it, because these kids are 8, 9, 10 years old right now,

by the time they get in the league, that number will be our football.

We got officers in the line that get $100 million contracts already. So you're 300 pounds.
He's 300 pounds. So you got a way to stay in front of him for three seconds, and somebody will pay you 300 milli-millis.
Okay, so you are famously a very competitive guy, one of the hardest workers, you know, the stuff of legends in your workouts. Is there even a small part of you that sees the Cowboys? I know you love the Cowboys.
You love Jerry Jones. But they've never been the same since Playmaker retired.
Is there a small part of you that's like, yeah, that was because of me? Like, I'm the guy? It's just, yeah. Maybe a real small part.
Yeah. He's putting his hands apart even farther.
Yeah. Dude, you bring up a great point to this, and this is what I talk about now.
Like, imagine the position that Dak Prescott is in. You know, these are your guys.
Like, dude, when I got hurt in Philadelphia in 99 and I had to retire, and I remember watching the game, I was, you know, going to the game, I want my boys to do well because they're my boys. But I also want to be missed because I'm human.
You know what I'm saying? I want to know that I matter. We all do.
Every human being, I don't care who you are, how righteous you think you are, straight and just about, you want to matter. Everybody wants to matter.
We all want affirmation and confirmation. We want to matter.
So Dak has me sitting there saying, oh, my God, you know, those are my guys. But I want to be missed, and he should know he is being missed.
Oh, my God. Because what I see right now with Amy Dog, God bless him, they were averaging 36 points a game with Dak, and now they're averaging six.
That's 30 points. If I'm Dak, I'm saying, Jerry, every time you try somebody else out there, he's making me money.
So let's just sit on back to this table and let my leg get healed up and you give me my money. So, yeah, it's an interesting thing.
Yeah, you want your guys to do well, and that's a conundrum, but you want to be missed. Yeah, I appreciate the honesty there because some guys won't admit that, but I think you're absolutely right.
I know. It's human nature.
I'm a football player. You know, I'm with my team.
I want my team to do well. Shut up.
Line. Stop.
Stop. Line, man.
Stop. You just stop it.
We're all human. I actually think that if you had that attitude where it was like, yeah, you are not wanting to be missed, you're not a little bit upset that they're surpassing what they were doing with you, you're probably not the football guy to lead that team to begin with.
That's probably not the right attitude to like you want to do that's always going to be competitive and dude it's a fine line between that right because that's you're absolutely right and that's the setting now if you say that openly then people you know they want to they want to ostracize you oh my god you know you selfish There's a fine line between greatness, and there's a fine line to how you accomplish greatness. And I think there has to be a thin line between when you are selfless and selfish all the time.
Every day I'm out on practice, I want to lift my guys up. I want to lift them up and raise them up.

I want to bring, put the best I can

and help them become the best they can be.

But

fourth and five

with the game on the line,

that's playmaker time.

Yeah.

And I bet right now,

Dak Prescott wouldn't say publicly

or around his teammates at least, like, ha, look at that. Look at you suckers right now without me.
But he will probably get to sleep like a little bit more soundly at night knowing that he's going to have that financial security and he's going to be the guy moving forward after he heals up from that leg. When he got hurt, I guarantee you, he was concerned.
He'll never see it. And I love him.
I love him to death. He's a great dude, great friend.
I love him to death. When he got hurt, I guarantee you, worry.
When you saw Dak crying when he was leaving, all of that weighed on his head that you just brought up. All of that weighed on his head.
But over the last two weeks watching the team go without him, his head has calmed down and he's saying right now, yeah, my money will be there. Now I just focus on the league.
My money will be there. It actually might be the best negotiating technique that he's used so far.
So I mentioned the famous workouts and your work ethic. Can you walk us through for the young people that listen to our show who might not know, might not remember Michael Irvin in his prime, what it looked like maybe during the height of the Cowboys and the height of your partying, how much, like, what time would you get into the, you know, practice? How late would you stay out, practice, then back out? What would it look like on a given week?

Well, okay, and here's how I go.

Honestly, guys, I'll be totally flat with you and up front with you

and frank with you because, really, I talk about it all the time.

And what I was trying to do, what I did,

I could have done things another way, but what I always did,

like I could party and have a great time. And Jimmy would tell us, we were in the Super Bowl.
He's like, go get away for a couple months. And I would get away.
I had some, I mean, you know, February and March, all of February, I'm everywhere doing everything. I am absolutely everywhere doing everything.
Wilding out. I mean, having a blast, to be honest with you.

Somebody asked, said, Michael, how did all of it become a problem?

Why did all of it become a problem?

I said, because it was so fun.

What do you mean?

It was so fun.

Nobody goes into it saying, man, I'm going to have a problem with this.

You know, you go into it and say, man, this is fun.

I'm having fun.

And the fun overtakes you.

And I always say, it's okay to have a problem.

It's a problem when the problem has you.

Now, for all of my life, I could do all of this thing, partying, fun, having fun, chasing women, out drinking, doing all that stuff. Chasing, catching women.
Doing all of that stuff. Doing all of that stuff.
But I did it up till March. My birthday is March 5th.
The second weekend in March, which always fell off my birthday, is when we started back training. So I would always have a blast and then I had one big time party.
Boom. Wild out girls.
We were getting high, everything. And then after that, I started training.
And I never did anything while i was training now during the week of practice all we would do is thursday night we would go out that was our night out thursday night because friday is a light day and thursday night would be the day the night that we all go out we go over the place cowboy cafe we have mess around, chase girls, do whatever, have a good time.

But it was really team bonding moments.

It was the moments I would say, talk to Biggie and say, hey, man,

like, you know, we have chicken wings and some drinks.

About four weeks from now, boy, we got Reggie White.

You're going to have Reggie White.

Reggie White going to be over here.

The middle stuff defense is coming in.

And, you know, you know how you get guys.

They talking about it over drinks.

You know, it's all good over drinks.

Four weeks later, I don't have to be in his ear.

I know.

All I do is come up to him and I say, big fella.

Remember what we talked about over at the cafe?

I got him.

Don't worry about him.

I got him.

Because that was the bonding moment.

You know?

Where I got lost, where I got lost into the parties to have a good time is when I retired. When I retired, right? And I go through February, I'm getting high, having a great time.
And then March comes around and I'm still having a good time. And then April comes around and I say, okay, enough of this.
Now I got to get focused on what I want to do next since I'm no longer playing football. And all of the years prior to that, you know, I've never flunked a drug test, never done anything.
I was always able to stop. I was always able to stop.
But now I could not stop. I found myself saying, that's it, I'm not doing this anymore.
And then the next weekend, be right back out there doing it doing it and I had to figure I had to get some counseling on it and find out what it was all I was doing was switching addictions at the time I was switching addictions and when I no longer had the football addiction to get out of the old addiction the old addiction would take over I thought that was Because once I learned it, I was able to mitigate it and help it and said, okay, I just got to find something else to throw myself into, like I did football, to come out of this. And that's what I did.
What was that thing initially that you threw yourself into that you're like, I got to find a new addiction, a healthy addiction addiction to get me away from the destructive addiction well i got first of all i walked in the service and bishop td jakes was there and this was it was a phenomenal man i love him to death man and and and and i and he was preaching a sermon called coming out the rain i'll never forget the sermon coming out the rain and he was talking about

yeah you he said i know it felt like he was talking right to me he said yeah i know everybody knows who you are you got the nice cars and the big houses and you got on a nice clothes but people don't know that you're soaking wet in pain he says today's your day to come in out the rain and I was like

that's talking right to me

that's talking right to me. That's it right there.
I mean, that was talking right to me. So I went, laid down on the altar and he came over because there's a lot of people laying down on the altar.
He laid his hands on me. And then he starts saying, he said, you know, he spoke about, he spoke to me.
He said, you know, he put me in front. He said, a lot of people have been talking a lot about what's going on, but God can fix everything.
God can fix it for you. And when I got up, what he did, he said, Michael, I want to make sure.
I want to make sure that you get what you need. He said, I want you, you're going to travel with me.
So I was traveling with Bishop Jakes. I was his alma bearer.
I mean, I carried Bibles every time. We went to LA, New York, wherever he had to go speak, took me with him.
I would carry his Bible, set his Bible up on the stands and everything, and he would mentor me in all the moments. Between time, I would see the things that he was doing, and it was just fascinating.
We were in L.A. one time.

He was speaking.

And we were staying over at Beverly Wilshire.

The Beverly Wilshire is where we were staying at.

The Beverly Wilshire.

And I said to him, we were walking around.

And this guy had a Rolls Royce.

And I was like, man, look at this bitch.

I was looking at cars the other day.

Man, this car, $450,000.

Man, why would you spend that kind of money on a car? Man, this dude is crazy. And he got upset with me.
He was like, son, are we learning anything here? Am I wasting my time? I said, what? What do you mean? I'm just saying I wouldn't spend $450,000 on a car. I mean, it's going to get me to the next place, just like the $30,000, $40,000, $50,000 car.

You know, he says, listen, though.

He said, listen, you wouldn't spend it on a car, but you spent

it chasing women,

flying all over the country, doing

all that crazy stuff.

He said, so why would you mess

with another man if you know

you got your own issues?

I never thought about it like that. I mean, he was absolutely right.
I said, I never thought about it like that. And it opened my eyes like, okay, let me get off that.
And what's so funny is, after all of that, I went and brought the damn car anyway. I still got the car now.
Because, yeah, if you spend the money on that, then that's less than you can spend on the bad shit you're trying to get away from.

Yeah, absolutely.

There you go.

That's a good investment, Michael.

Since I wasn't – well, no cars are investments.

They're depreciating as soon as you leave a lot.

But since I wasn't doing that, I had the extra dough to go buy the car.

So I went and bought the car anyway.

And I just thought that was a fascinating lesson for me to learn.

And I just appreciate all that you did. We walked in, Steve Harvey was doing a radio show, right? And I walked in as an armor bear for Bishop.
And Steve Harvey, when we walked in, Steve Harvey was on the air. He said, oh, my God.
He said, everybody, Bishop Jace just walked in. And he said, oh, my God.
Because you guys know how much trouble I was getting in at the time he said guess who he just walked in with he said coming up next Bishop Jakes and the man he walked in here with and I'm going to tell you if God can save this man God can save anybody that next on makes it on the Steve. What the hell was that? I was like, what was that? But I guess he was right.
If God can save me, he can save anybody. Yeah.
This might be a dumb question. Well, not dumb question, but a very simple question.
What was it like to play on a team that was so dominant? Like like what was it like to go into a Super Bowl being like we got this like there I'm not worried about it did it how what was that feeling like to be on such a dominating force of nature of a team which was the Cowboys in the 90s it was was absolutely nothing like it. It was a high.

It was a high above all highs and probably why I got

lost in the other stuff because I

was looking for that kind of a

high. You'll never find it.

You'll never find it. When you get 53 men

that are going out on a football field

and we're coming to

impose our will.

Nothing you can do about this. Nothing you can do about it.
I used to tell guys, hey, your mom, brother, dad, sister, uncle, cousin, niece, and nephew know they're throwing the ball to me on third and eight. And there's nothing any of you can do about it.
There's nothing you can do about it. You just got to endure this.
There's nothing. That's the kind of high.
But now, to that, though, we didn't start that way. Right.
You know, what made it great for us is, and why we never lost our way as a team and never started talking about each other in the media, we started, like, my first year there at 88, we were 3-13. I came in from Miami, national championship.
I may have lost two games, three games in my whole college career. I mean, we were, we were tearing people up and then I get to Dallas.
And the first thing I say, when I get drafted, Cowboys going to the Superbowl. Cause I thought I was the key.
We got them now. Danny white, get ready.
You're going to get the MVP. You get in the pro bowl.
We're going to the Superbowl. And was such a sore loser.
Man, we started that first game. I remember in Pittsburgh, my first game, I catch a curl rap.
Rob Wilson right there. I take this thing to the distance.
I'm like, this is easy. I'm about to kill this league.
Man, after I scored that touchdown, they scored. They scored.
They scored. They scored.
We didn't score anymore. We lost that game.
And I was absolutely boo-hoo crying in my locker room. And there were guys coming up to me, and this, this, this, this, I'll never forget this, coming up to me and saying, hey, man, come on now.
Because I was literally tear crying. I was, you know, I said, come on, man.
You got to get this the NFL. We don't do that in the NFL.
Just pick up that check on Tuesday. That blew my mind.
I'm thinking I've been working my ass off all my life to get here because I want to compete with the best, and all you guys are talking about is picking up a check on Tuesday? Oh, my God. We went 3-13 that year.
The next year, Jimmy Johnson came in, my coach in college. Dude, when Jimmy came in, y'all know, as brothers, as brothers, we got this thing, I ain't no snitch.
It's a big thing in the black community. I ain't no snitch.
I ain't no snitch. Man, Jimmy came in, trust me.
I was like Santa. I made a list.
I checked it twice. Every dude, every dude that touched me and said, don't worry, let's pick up that chick on Tuesday.
I said, coach, he got to go. He got to go.
He got to go. We got rid of all of them.
I said, we can't win with that. We cannot win with that.
And then, you know, we still went 1-15 that following year. So, you know, when Troy came in 1-15, the Emmitt came in, we went 7-9.
But even in the midst of 7-9, I felt the beginning of what you talked about, that dynasty coming together where we walk in any stadium and we knew that we were going to win. It's not even a matter if we were going to win.
It was how many points you think will beat them by. Right.
You know, so I felt that. And it's funny you bring it up because as I was sitting there thinking about it the other Sunday watching games, I said to myself, watching New England, I said, I remember the moment the dynasty ended.
Dion came to me and we were talking about something. And I said to Dion, I said I remember the moment the dynasty ended Dion came to me and we were talking about something and I said to Dion I said buddy it's over I said it's over we would not have that feeling when we walk in and say how many points are we winning by now we will we will go into these games now saying okay can we win these games and as I watched New England the other day lose that game, that's the thing I thought about.
I said, I wonder if anybody's in the locker room saying, the dynasty's over. The dynasty's over.
And by the way, so PFT and I are both 35 years old, so we remember like basically the first football memories are the Cowboys winning Super Bowls. And this was a feeling at the time.
Like I remember being like, oh, it's not the Cowboys are going to win. It's just like, are they going to embarrass the Bills? Like, that wasn't, that was the, it was almost like a, like, it's a foregone conclusion.
We're going to watch the game. Maybe it'll be close.
Hopefully it'll be close. Like that was back when the Super Bowl was always a blowout.
But this was a feeling. This wasn't like just a, you know, hindsight's 2020.
It felt like this at the time. In the Super Bowl.
Yeah. Do you feel bad about just destroying the Buffalo Bills, like not letting them win one Super Bowl? Is there a small part of Michael Irvin where you're like, man, that was kind of a dickhead thing for me to do? Absolutely not.
Absolutely not. I'm going to tell you, the only thing I get upset about is we should have had the record right now for most points in the Super Bowl, we scored 52 in that first Super Bowl.
And you guys, we always believed that, hey, you know, the Super Bowl was really the NFC Championship game. It was us in San Francisco, us in Green Bay at the time.
But when we were in that game, we scored 52 points. You know, I scored two touchdowns in 18 seconds, two offensive touchdowns in 18 seconds.
It should be at least one of my records that shall last forever. At least I will be in the books forever with two touchdowns in 18 seconds.
But later in that game, Leon Litt, we get a fumble, and Leon Litt is running all the way back. And if he scores this touchdown, you know, we're at 59 points.
That's a record to this day, you know. But he pulls out.
He holds the ball out because that's what I used to do when I went across the goal line wide open. And Don Beebe knocked the ball down.
I was so hot at Cat. I was like, Leo, you asked me did I feel bad about beating them 52 to 17.
No, I was like, Cat, we should have had 59. It would have been a Super Bowl record.
How you mess this up? He said, I was trying to do that thing you did coming across the goal. I said, you're a lineman.
There's no sweep in linemen. Just get the damn ball in the end zone.
Don't try to do that stuff. But no, didn't feel bad about it whatsoever.
What I will say is I do feel bad that while I was in it, I didn't see it like I see it. And we talked about all the things that we did, I did in the offseason.
I look back now, I wish that maybe if I didn't do those things, I could have squeezed more Super Bowls out. You know, I could have won more.
And you don't think about it at the time. But when you move past that time and look back on it, you're like, man, I should have done more.
I could have done more. But I got to try.
I'm blessed. We won three of them, even though I think we should have won five or six.
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All right. Back to part of my take.
And now more Michael Irvin. You mentioned the Don Beebe chase down on Leon Lett.
We saw DK Metcalf chase down Buda Baker on Sunday Night

Football. Incredible.
Like, I coach DK. I'm one of his strength and conditioning and speed coaches.
I think I've done my job very well. That, to me, yeah, thank you.
I appreciate the comment. That and the Buda Baker and the Larry Allen chase down block.
I think you were on that Cowboys team, right? When Larry Allen chased down the Saints linebacker, his ass is 350, 360 pounds. Outrunning a linebacker to the corner and just wrapping him up like he's a cornerback, essentially.
What chase down block do you think, or what chase down tackle do you think is the most impressive out of all those? Both impressive now and to break this down here

larry allen at 330 and 40 330 pounds running like that is out of this world and larry allen i thought was the change that he was the first one to start changing like we're playing i had nate noon and Dakar, Derek Kennard, he's a big 340-pounder.

I mean, they're jolly guys. one to start changing.
We're playing. I had Nate Noon and Dakar, Derek Kennard.

He's a big 340 pounder.

I mean, they're jolly guys.

You know what I mean? If they

walked in the door right now,

the jolliness walks in two minutes

before the body does.

And then when they leave, they're still jolly

shaking two minutes after they leave.

Larry Allen was the first guy

I saw that was 340 pounds built, all solid, all solid, like a wide receiver that's 340 pounds. We were playing basketball in the offseason one day, and Larry Allen took old Larry.
I dropped the ball off to Larry. Larry took one step, one step, 330 pounds.
We're going to induct the ball off the ladder. Took one step.
One step. 330 pounds.
Went up and dunked the ball. Dude, when he dunked, I swear, I swear to y'all, this is a true story.
He dunked the ball. The whole damn goal fell on him.
It fell down. He had the rim like on his neck.
He's bleeding. His head's bleeding.
And I said, he said, Marvel, what you want me to do with it? I took the rim off. I said, I got this big fella.
I said, you just give me this. You got to go over to the training over at the complex.
We got to get to the complex. I told the gym people, here, here's my number.
We'll pay for it. We'll pay for it.
I need to get him over here. You just call us and everything.
I mean, I was so blown away with his talent. Now you're seeing that in all a lot of alignment.
Yeah, Tyron Smith. All these guys look like 340 pounds.
D.K. Metcalf.
Think about it. When I played, you had the big guy to catch the ball in the intermediary.
And then you had a small, fast guy to go deep. DK Metcalf is an amalgamation of all of it.
He's the big guy that is the fast guy. That's how athletics and that's how it's grown.
It's been phenomenal. Dude, DK is off the chain.
Right now, best wide receiver in the NFL. We watched him because I was at the combine.
Him and Antonio Brown, we were all talking when they were coming out at the combine. And these two guys come up and say, man, everybody's sleeping on us.
They're sleeping on us. I said, what do you mean? They're sleeping on you.
Man, I'm telling you, we're the best receivers in this draft class. I'm like, okay, saw the big guys even at the combine they were talking about well they don't transition in and out of breaks good enough they're big they're too stiff and all of that stuff but they went to the right place that brought them along the right way he came back spending time with russell wilson you know russell i interviewed him he's talking about all the things that he talked about with DK as they worked out during COVID in the offseason.
Can you imagine being mentored by Russell Wilson? Yeah. Doesn't get any better than that.
Doesn't get any better than that. And Russell said, the kid's only 22 years old.
Russell was like, he looked like a gremlin. Happy, like, he's only 22.
He just extended my career. I got some here.
I got yours. I'm going to be playing.
I'm going to go put up with me some Payton Manny-type numbers. No more beast mode.
This is my move. And that's why they are saying now, let Russ cook, because he has a chef that's working with him named DK Metcalf.
So great job by you, buddy, and the job that you're doing with him. Yeah.
What's up with the U? I mean, you guys are never going to be back. Miami, like, what's going on? Can't you fix this? Yeah, you know what, man? Listen, I don't know if – because I say this.
I'm happy to see where they are right now, but when they played against Clemson, you saw the difference.

You're good.

There's a difference between good and great in elite, in elite.

And right now Clemson is elite.

Miami is leaving good, getting towards a great football team.

I mean, they're doing some good things right now.

But getting back to what we were, I mean, the record is still intact. We had 58 straight home wins, home victories.
I would think that maybe Alabama or somebody had an eclipse that by now, but no, it's still a record. So it says, it speaks to what we did at that time, and I just think it's something to try to accomplish it again.
The Cowboys are going through it, trying to accomplish it again. Once you let it go, it's hard to put it all back together, even though I think they're trending now finally in the right direction.
This is pretty much the NFL Network can never let you go because every time you leave someplace, it goes to shit, right? Hey, buddy, you know what? Sounds good, right? I need you talking sounds good right i need you talking to them i need you talking i need i need you in my next negotiation yes just be like look at you look at the you look at the cowboys you really want to do this and and and when i played for miami in the 80s they were the team of the 80s when i played for miami in the 90s They were the team. When I played for Dallas in the 90s, they were the team of the 80s.
When I played for Miami in the 90s, they were the team. When I played for Dallas in the 90s, they were the team of the 90s.
Rich, my guy always says that Rich Delripp, who's the PR for the Dallas Cowboys, he said it wasn't constant, and both of those were Mike Orvin. Now, I hope the NFL Network hears that and in our next negotiation,

you can help me with that.

Yes. So, Michael, you're obviously

a very competitive guy. You were talking about

playing basketball with Larry Allen earlier

and just being physical all the time.

What was up with your bullshit soft

foul calls in the longest yard?

It's irritated a lot of us watching that movie. That's a good question.
You're calling Adam Sandler. Who's like five foot eight.
You're calling him for like his elbows being too sharp. And he, and you know, it's a great too.
I love that. I love that.
They play it all the time. They play the movie all the time.
It's always on. Because they send me those 79-cent checks.
They're called

residuals. I'm like,

you know. And doing

the movie was so great about it.

When they first called me to do that, guys,

my favorite movie,

one of my favorite movies was The Longest Y'all with Burt Reynolds,

the original. So I

was like, man, I don't know if we should

touch this. I don't know if we should touch it.
But Adam, I thought they did a great job with it. One of the things he did, he let me do it.
I told him, I said, Adam, you know, I was reading the script. I said, this doesn't really sound like me.
I said, what you have here doesn't sound like me. He said, I tell you what, Michael, you rewrite it.
He said, make sure if it's within a joke, like baby back bitch, I have to keep that in there because big robot baby back bitch,

you know, they play with it.

So I had to keep that part in there.

But he said, I'll let you write what you need to write,

but keeping it around the same area.

He said, and if it sounds good, we'll use it.

If it doesn't, make sure you know what we wrote.

And then he said to me, he said, but understand this, you're not getting any writing credit if you use your own stuff and you're not getting any more money if you use your own stuff so so so he did let me he let me write and use my own stuff and even in that basketball scene that you're talking about i kept saying how how hard do you want me to go how real he said go hard he said you. He said, I want to make it as real as possible.
So I was like, okay, I can hit you and beat you up a little bit. He said, yeah, beat me up.
I said, the check's still going to clear? He said, it's still clear. I said, okay, then, let's do this.
And so we did have fun shooting that scene. Can we talk about some of your tweets? Because you got some good tweets.
You tweet from the heart um let's talk about this one the the one from january 2014 all caps man when we played in that cold weather we was cold right now get this i speak for a living i speak for a living i know it's we were cold but no that's not even the funny part it's just like you're basically implying that it was colder. It's not as cold anymore.
It's like this pussy ass weather's gotten warmer, which I guess you could say. Let me tell you how this all happened, and this was my ignorance too, right? Because back then I had just started tweeting and messing with people right and it was during games and and and and somebody was saying stuff and i if i was so i was tweeting back at them literally on purpose like that because if you notice i said something else but that one didn't didn't carry over like this i was saying like uh boy them boys show is hitting hard.
Not show are hitting. Those guys show are hitting hard.
Show is hitting hard, you know, because I was laughing. Everybody, me, Mike, what do you mean? You can't talk like this.
And I was just laughing and putting more stuff out there. Never knowing that this is going to live forever.
Yep. I was so ignorant.
When was that date again? 2014. That's when I first started I didn't know that we'll be in 2020 that has more retweets than anything I've ever accomplished in my life but is it true? were you cold back then? when it was cold? if we're playing in cold weather, it's cold.
That was the whole gist of it. That's the whole gist of messing with people, you know? But it's so funny.
And now, all the people that see it now, they just say, wow, what a dummy. Who writes like this? You know what I mean? They don't know the gist of it was around us having some fun with people on Twitter during the football game that we were watching it was a cold football well i love that one and whenever there is a cold game it becomes appropriate and then the other one was um and everybody reads yeah every time it's a cold game the other one is a great just take you said this was more recent you said since i'm not a beer drinker maybe it's just me but i believe that corona beer should not be running their commercials at this time.
Sorry, I want to hear how Corona gets its lime while the coronavirus is getting lives. Yeah, and I was serious with that, even though we joked about it.
I thought, just let's pull it back right now. Yeah.
You know, and this is what caught me. I was watching some broadcasts, and they were talking about how many lives coronavirus had taken.
And then the next thing out of that was a commercial about coronavirus. And I understand that it had nothing to do with anything.
I understand that. I understand that one had nothing to do with the other.
But as we always talk about in this business, didn't look good the optics you know i was going i'm feeling something emotional here about losing people to this and i i don't know maybe maybe we should have just talked about it as covid19 and help corona beer out but what coming off coronavirus just took 200 and 300 and then I got help Corona beer out. But coming off Corona virus just took 200,

300,000 lives.

And then I got a Corona beer commercial coming on right after that.

Talk about Corona gets his line.

It was just,

I just thought the optics,

the optics wasn't good.

And it was,

yeah.

So I tweeted that.

That was,

I liked that.

Yeah.

The timing was just a little strange.

I think that's what it comes down to. One of my favorite appearances that you've ever had on television was back in 2018 when you debated the great Stephen A.
Smith on first take about the Dallas Cowboys. I think it was before a Titans-Cowboys game, maybe a Monday night game, and he was doing his thing, wearing his big cowboy hat.
I don't think I've ever seen a sweatier human being in my life,

Michael Irvin, on that set.

Was that real sweat when you were yelling at Stephen A. Smith,

or did you splash water on your face beforehand?

No, no, no.

For some reason, and I had him on my podcast.

I swear to you, I had him on the podcast,

and I was sitting there talking to him.

It's something about him.

Stephen A. is a great friend of mine.

We both started over at Fox Sports Network with Best Damn Sports Show. You know, we were working that show together way back in the day, and he's a great friend of mine.
So we just get into these heavy debates. We don't just do this on TV.
I mean, you know, the other day, Sunday when I'm on, he's tweeting. What? Mike, what garbage are you talking about on TV right now about the Cowboys, you know? So even when we talk personally, we're still in those heavy debates.
And when I had him on my podcast, I said, I said, that's Stephen A. on again.
And as I'm sitting there talking to him, I started sweating again. For some reason, this joker just makes me sweat for some reason.
It's not like I'm nervous. I do TV five times a week.
You know what I mean? But for some reason, this joker gets under my skin and makes me sweat. But I love them.
We have great fun, man.

I'm blessed to win, guys, really, to be talking about sports,

talking and doing the things that we do,

and being able to call it a job.

Like, are you joking?

Yep.

Are you joking?

Like, when I come home sometimes, man, and I come home,

and people ask, can you go do this?

I was like, what do you mean?

Like, I'm in New York on Mondays and Tuesday.

I'm Wednesday and Thursday.

I'm wherever the Thursday night football game is.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

I got to be in L.A.

I'm only home on Tuesday nights, right, and Sunday nights.

And you guys have wanted me to go do this, go do this, go do this.

I've been working all week.

You know what they say to me? You've been working. You've been watching football games and talking.
Yeah. You see what I'm saying? So, but it is work, and we're blessed to have opportunity to call it a job.
Yeah, you're right. And you have a podcast which just came out what was like a month ago, the Michael Irvin podcast, MIP.
But you're right. Like when we're sitting here on Sunday, we watch 12 hours of football and then talk.
And I'm tired, but then I have to think and be like, wait, I'm tired, but I'm also living the dream. Yeah.
Right, right, right, right. But get this now.
Get this. Get this.
And let me help you with your tire. I get more tired at this than I did at playing.
And let me explain it, which is fascinating here. Think about it.
Like, I could play a game. You play a game.
Play Arizona, 210 yards in that game, man. I remember Lorenzo linked the first in warm-ups.
We're playing the Cardinals. What Cardinals? We're the Cardinals.
The Cardinals. And Cardinals.
And this guy Lorenzo, Michael, I'm going to be with you all day. You suck.
I was like, oh, okay. I was, you know, I was, thanks for waking me up.
Thanks for waking me up today. Right? First, second play of the game, I go 87 yards.
I end up with 210 yards in that day. That game.
Killed this guy. Killed i should be exhausted after that day but i can't sleep my mind is racing i'm thinking about the play that i should have made to play the guy away forget the 210 yards forget the three touchdowns i should have had 300 yards and five touchdowns and my mind races all night that's why after a game most guys do a lot of drinking because their mind is racing all night about what went on in the game we should have done this we could have done this we could have won we could have done this you know you can't rest your mind is racing your body's exhausted but your mind is racing so you're having a few drinks to try to not go to sleep, just pass out.

Just pass out.

But in this, when you're exhausted, you're exhausted here in the mind. In the body, when the body's exhausted, the mind gets still raised.
When the mind is exhausted, it's shut down. That's right.
It's shut down. And I said, wow, that's interesting.
I mean, I'm on shutdown sometimes after a long Sunday, and I never was on shutdown after a long game on Sunday. Yeah.
Yeah, no, it's a good point. It's a good point.
Respect the media guys out there that not only – It's harder. It's harder to watch sports than it is to play sports.
I agree with that. Yeah, totally agree.
Thank you for the respect, Michael. Also, my body is exhausted at the end of the day because we eat like buffalo wings and Chinese.
And just slumped over in a chair. So, yeah.
It's harder to podcast than to play in the NFL. Players have great posture.
We have terrible. Our bodies are just attacking themselves all Sunday.
I just say I'm helping people understand how the body works. No, you said it.
I would never say that as somebody that hasn't played in the NFL, but since you're the playmaker, you're a Hall of Famer, you've done both, so it makes sense. There's physical exhaustion, there's physical exhaustion, but mental exhaustion is, it is more exhausting, is how I should say that.
That's how I should say that. Yeah.
Before we let you go, I had a little birdie tell me that you had a thing with white tee shots. Like some background with white tee shots.
What's that about? Yeah, and I just learned about white tees, white tee shots. Because, you know, I'm a vodka drinker.
You know, I usually drink vodka and and and every time i'm if i'm any place what do i always get guys always i order a drink you a big black guy you drinking that little soft drink like yeah that's what i drink i'm gonna have a vodka cranberry so they always want to have shots and they always want to do tequila and i can't do that stuff man so so my my boy, one of my boys, a friend of mine, he was telling me about that. He was telling me,

he said, man, I take green tea. And I said, what is green tea? And he was explaining to me green tea.
He said, but there's a shot called a white tea. It's a green tea with vodka.

I was like, oh, okay. So now I have something when, you know, because you're out, people,

I'm at dinner, can I buy you a shot? I don't want any tequila, but you can get me a white tea. So now a white tea has become my shot to drink.
I just, I love it. That's your go-to drink.
That's safe because, yeah, if you stay up just ripping vodka or ripping tequila, two or three of those, and you're going to have a bad night. White tea's like a third of a drink for one.
And you still look like your party. And I can still do some functioning the next day.
You know, it's funny. I, as a comedian, I love a comedian, comedian, he was talking about tequila.
He said, you can tell how your date is going to go by what the girl orders. And it's a funny comedian.
I don't forgot who it was. He said, if she orders a glass of wine, you may be sitting in there talking about a family down the road somewhere.
You're going to be talking about what you want to do, getting married. He said, if she orders a beer, y'all may be talking some sports.
You might have something right there. You know, if she orders tequila, you just turn around and say, yeah, I'm in there tonight.
Because tequila, anytime she orders tequila, you're in there tonight. And I think that's, I guess in my experience, that has proven to be true.
If you order as a fireball, just get ready to pay the $200 Uber surcharge for cleaning the cab out later. Tequila is the party starter.
Right. Yeah.
Tequila is the party starter. All right.
So my last question for you, Michael, this has been great. Final question brought to you by Cross Country Mortgage, America's crazy good mortgage company.
Go to ccmlens.com slash take to learn more about your future home buying experience or refinancing needs. Equal housing opportunity.
The current Cowboys will end where we started. So what is your read on the players basically kind of calling out the coaching staff

and is that fair or foul like from your perspective do you think Mike McCarthy's in trouble do you think it's fair that the players are saying hey this system doesn't really work for us this defense isn't working where do you land on that well obviously and we don't know the depth of what transpired prior to that getting out.

You know, what if these guys have gone to, and I know, I do know, I know some of it. I know some of these guys have gone to coaches and tried to make these situations better by talking to them.
And they got rid of some people that were talking, that were talking about the issues that were going on on the football team so so it so so now you get people saying well how that's out of bounds for these guys to go to the media not if they've exhausted yeah all other means and i know mike mccarthy has come out and said you know i have open door policy and your door can be open and you can let people come in and spit words. But did you really listen? And did you adjust anything? So having an open door policy is not enough.
You've got to have an open door, an open ear and an open mind with an open heart to really make hate on those things and say, OK, listen, I'm willing to listen. And then you argue, we talk about people leaking into the press.
Like, stop it. This is part of the business.
This has been going on forever. We have insiders because people get information that nobody else is supposed to have.
That's why we pay them so they get information and you guys are leaking stuff from inside. So stop talking about the process of what happened and talk about the process of how to fix what happened and then you'll be on the right path.
Yeah, that's a good point. Those are really good points.
Well, what do you think they do to follow up on that real quick? Are they going to try to stick with Andy Dalton after seeing what they've seen from him? Are they going to go to Gucci Danucci? Are they going to bring somebody else in? I will be stealing that, buddy. Yeah, go for it.
The Gucci, Danucci. I will steal that.
I think they'll have to if he's safe and clears protocol. They'll go back with Andy Dole.
I mean, that's why they brought him in. You don't want me to say anything about that guy that keeps walking by the camera? I mean, I can pass by and not say anything.
Liam was running out. No.
We just can't keep walking by without me saying something about him. He's got a very small bladder.
He needs to drain it every 15 seconds or he explodes. Yes.
I understand. I have that small bladder, too.
I want to sue the NFL for that because all the people like we sue them with concussions and all of that. I told people, I said, listen, they made me take so many drug tests and I had to hold my pee so much because I, if I peed early and I couldn't take a drug test, it would be, you know, considered a positive that I believe I destroyed my bladder.
I want to sue them for that. I think you have a case.
You would case. You would like to pee in the morning and you'd be like, I can't finish peeing because I know that I might have to have some for later.
You would store pee? It doesn't affect me that way. It's just right now.
I used to be able to hold it and wait and wait and wait. And I must have done something because now, oh, my God.
And maybe when I got to go to the bathroom, it's look out. I'm running.
Like, get out of the way, you know, put your hands in there. You try to squeeze down on it.
It makes you nothing. And then you get in there and you let it all go.
And it's everywhere. It's like, so, so, I think they destroyed my bladder, man, with all them tests, man.
I want some compensation for that. Yes.
All right. Well, we'll, we'll be your legal team for that.
But Michael, this has been awesome. We appreciate it.
Everyone go listen to the MIP podcast, the Michael Irvin podcast. We really appreciate it, man.
You're a recurring guest now. So you have to come back on whenever we ask.
When the Cowboys have their next implosion and everyone's laughing about them, we'll have you on to laugh in your face about it. Okay, well, I'll see you next Monday.
Perfect. That's what we're talking about.
Yes, yes. All right, thanks so much, man.
See you. Hey, thanks, guys.
Appreciate it, guys. Keep doing what you're doing, guys.
Anytime you can have number one by your name in, you've accomplished something. I like to talk on my podcast.
You know, I had Daryl Johnson on this time because I said I was going to bring somebody else on, but I watched the game last Sunday, and I said to myself, okay, I got to bring Daryl D at the game. I said I'm bringing Daryl on, not to break down and analyze the Cowboys, but this is

to do the autopsy on the Cowboys.

You break down and analyze that that is a lie,

you do autopsy on that that

is dead. And that right there seems

like it is dead.

But keep doing what you guys do, man,

and keep telling the story so other

guys like you can hear it

and hopefully inspire them to do

great things. Keep walking your journey, guys.
I appreciate you having me.. Thanks so much, Michael.
Appreciate it. All right, guys.
Thanks, guys. That interview with Michael Irvin was brought to you by ZipRecruiter.
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Okay, let's finish up. We'll do a little guys on chicks.
Henry, what do you got? Hey, guys. My 35-year-old boyfriend keeps buying sneakers.
Is this a... No, I'm just kidding.
Sub Hank and our darling Jake, my boyfriend watches a lot of HGTV. I used to catch him with it on sometimes and he would immediately change it, but now he just watches with no shame multiple hours of the day.
I feel like this is a little odd for guys to do. What are your thoughts? I feel like that means he's probably a handyman, so that's a good thing.
I like it. I think he's trying to get more involved in things going on around the house.
All that's going to do is if you watch HGTV, you're going to try and do something around the house. Well, you could also just watch HGTV.
Like, I've done that. If I watch HGTV, I'd be like, all right, let's fucking knock a wall down or something.
Yeah, so there's a danger that he's either going to try to do something awesome for you or he's going to try to do something and really fuck up the entire house while trying to do it. So maybe ask him to, like, try his hand redesigning a closet before you have him do anything, like, in the the bathroom.
Or I was going to say just install a bidet.

Yes.

There's some shows that are just pretty much 100%.

We're going to put a bidet into this person's house so when they shit, it's better.

They're great at marathon watches.

I feel like that's the best.

HGTV.

You just get sucked in.

I always like it at the end when they do the shots of the before and after.

And then it just dissolves

into the new room. To me, that's

almost as sexy as a time lapse.

My boyfriend thinks it's weird

I have a list of baby names on the notes section

of my phone that I've had for years and add to it

whenever I think of another good name.

Is this weird and are there any guys out there

that keep a list of names too?

Yeah, totally. I keep a list

of names. I'm pretty sure guys' list of names are just like whatever athletes

they like. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Athletes and then maybe your own dad

Thank you. I keep a list of names too.
Yeah, totally. I keep a list of every...
Pretty sure guys' list of names are just like whatever athletes they like. Yeah, that's pretty much it.
Athletes and then maybe your own dad. That's as far as our creativity goes on that one.
Yes, that is a little weird to have a list just rocking around a list. It's not that it's weird.
It's just probably very intimidating to be like, oh, we got this planned already. It's less weird to have that list than to have a list of every baby that you've met.
I think that would be that would be stranger. No, I'm just saying that would be strange.
Make her feel better. Cool baby.
This is a really questions. More of this.
His name is Alice. She had a great, great bow tie in her hair.
Hey, PMT. My boyfriend always wants to come on my forehead and take his thumb and spread it like around like Mufasa.
Fake, but hilarious. But hilarious.
We've heard this before. Yeah, but hilarious.
Who wrote that one? I don't think we've heard it. The lion thing? Fake, but hilarious.
My boyfriend is literally the apple of my eye. I love him with my whole heart, but since this pandemic, I lost my job and he's been keeping us afloat financially.
She spelled financially wrong. Oh.
Once I get another income, I obviously going to pay him back. In the meantime, how do I show him extra appreciation for everything he's doing for us? That's sweet.
That is sweet. That's really nice.
Make him some pancakes. That's a good one.
Pancakes. If you get up before him at all, just do one thing every day before he gets up and he'll think that you've been up for hours.
Yeah him coffee holy shit she's amazing make him coffee every morning like that would be if you just hand him a mug of coffee before he goes to work it's like oh my god this is incredible what are you gonna say billy be respectful but what are you gonna say suck his dick no laundry and like no what like fold vacuum laundry sandwiches... Vacuum, laundry...
Sandwiches.

Dishes.

What?

Don't nag him

when he's watching football.

You know,

chick shit.

Let him play video games

with his boys.

Yeah, you're about to say that.

No, I did say that.

Billy, I'd like you

to apologize.

Billy, we should start

doing Billy life advice.

A key to a great marriage is letting your husband Play video box With his boys No Make a mistake And give him a BJ Once a month Suck his dick While he's in the gulag You know what I call You're actually A really Open minded person You are You are actually You are actually Billy's actually Just been reading The dialogue From the Dan Bilzerian Is it Isn't it stupid when, like, you know, like. When chicks don't suck your dick? No.
Shut up. Watching the game with the boys.
When it's like, you get something, and it's like, I don't really like this. Like, maybe like coffee.
I don't know. Never mind.
What? Like, if someone made you like an espresso or some shit. And you're like, I don't like this You're like it's like girl Wait, you say girl coffee? Girls always goes like coffee and stuff and then there's like oh I made you call a coffee girl coffee Why is this coffee taste good? Yeah Yeah Anyway Anyway, you too packed women.
Uh, hey PMT boys especially Titans in my mid-20s. Not a Titans hater.
I recently came to the realization that I am not the intellectual I grew up thinking I was, i.e. honor roll student.
Because meeting guys in grad school makes me feel dumb and hopelessly blonde. But I also know I'm not looking for a guy who's only interested in superficial things.
I am stuck somewhere in between. So do you guys have any advice on where to find mid-20s somethings in betweeners A.K.A.
dudes who aren't trying to be the smartest But also aren't loitering at the local drive through The bar I mean go to a bar Yeah I'd say so It's not the drive through The guys who are driving through the local drive through That's like one step above Just hanging out next to it. They got a little coin in their pocket.

Trade schools, that's good.

Like the Pipefitters Union.

Those guys. Those guys are hard work.

They get it done. Yeah, they're fucking...

I wish I had skills like that. Honestly.

I feel like

if I could redo everything, I'd just have a really

sick skill. If you watch enough HGTV,

it's basically the same thing.

Yeah, trade school's not bad. Community colleges.
Just hang out at a bar. Alright, last one.
PFT and Big Cat. My boyfriend won't ever splurge for himself.
Actually, you know what? Just wear a part of my Take sweatshirt. Seriously.
I feel like the majority of our listeners are as average as it gets. We don't have like men's stuff.
I mean, Billy. That's perfect trade.
Self-identify. We'll put like one Billy football sweatshirt up for sale.
They'll be like, come talk to me. I'll throw you.
Donate blood. Let you play video games and give you blowjobs.
In the gulag. I'm a lot more than that for people out there.
He lifts as well. I'm into sports science.
Sports science. PFT and Big Cat, my boyfriend won't ever splurge for himself on a night out.
No matter the occasion, he always just orders some basic chicken entree. At first I felt bad, but now it's just annoying.
Our anniversary, we go out to a fancy place, I order a steak and shrimp combo, he orders the house chicken, the cheapest thing on the menu. I offer to pay to encourage him to order something more special occasion-like, but he doesn't.
Most of the time, he doesn't let me pay, but even when he does, he just gets one of the cheapest things on the menu. I ask him why and express my frustration.
He says things like, it's what I like, and I'm a simple guy. But clearly, he would want more, wouldn't he? I mean, don't get me wrong.
I know it's good to have a significant other without expensive taste, but it makes me feel like I can't buy expensive things. I can eat chicken at home whenever I want.

When people go out, they get more glamorous things, right?

Am I being crazy?

What should I do?

It's tough because I have always lived my life of never be the guy who orders the most expensive thing on a menu.

Like the second most expensive thing?

Yes.

So you just need to get him a little bit higher up there, it sounds like. You're going to like a steak restaurant, and he's like, hey, do you guys have chicken fingers? That sounds like what he's doing.
So you got to find a happy medium, right? I think just teach him how to say chicken in French. Tell him to order poulet at a fancy restaurant, and then it seems like he's a grown-up.
Do you guys do the same same thing you ever order like the most expensive no i'm always like the move is our work trip

absolutely yeah when on vacation then obviously he's not gonna spend that much money but if it's

coming out of our pocket then yeah i do on vacations too i'm uh no second second most

expensive is the correct move yes unless like if it's a rare occasion where there's like some

big baller next to you and he or she is like you have to try this well somebody says you got

Thank you. Second most expensive is the correct move.
Yes. Unless, like if it's a rare occasion where there's like some big baller next to you and he or she is like, you have to try this.
Well, if somebody says you got to try this. You can also do it if someone else gets the most expensive thing.
You can do the I'll have what he or she is having. That way you didn't actually order it.
You just jumped on, which I actually don't like. I think that's a lame move.
Pick your own food. But if it's the number one choice, the most expensive, you can do it then.
Or just tell them, like bring your own coupon. Be like, I got a half price on that thing.
Yeah, what are you going to say, Billy? He's cheating. He's paying for multiple dates.
Oh, yes. He's budgeting.
I like that, Billy. Hate to break it to you.
Damn, I didn't even think about that. You're right.
Or he's got a drug habit. Well, yeah, probably drugs.
Maybe both. He's nodding off.
He's cheating on you with his dealer. He fell asleep in his bowl of soup.
All right, numbers and fact. Eighteen.
Thirty-five kangaroos can't jump backwards. Twenty-five.
Eight. Neither can frogs.
Eight. Eight.
Kangaroos actually have huge claws. Dude, that video of the kangaroos biting.
They could definitely fuck you up. Look at them, like, floating.
8. I'm a feminist.
8. Oh, 8 almost went up there.
51. 61.
I feel like we've gotten 61, like, three times. We're never going to get this.
That ball sucks. It's crazy.
How are we never going to get it? People just tweet me numbers all day now.

61 has never happened.

All right.

Oh, nice.

You got the whole thing.

All right. We'll see everyone Friday.

We've got a great guest coming on Friday.

Great guest.

Old time friend.

Love you guys.

Just do sheeshs.

Sheesh.

Sheesh.

Sheesh.

Sheesh Sheesh Sheesh Sheesh Sheesh Sheesh Sheesh Sheesh Sheesh Sheesh Drink in the wine Sheesh Sheesh I don't care that It's not time I'm drinking anyway I'd like some reds Like some whites we go. Here we go.
Everyone's going to hate this.