Week 7 Preview, Tom Fornelli On B1G Return, And Our Lawyer Mike Portnoy

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On today's Pardon My Take, I hope Hank is recording this. We're getting the energy going in here, brother.
We taped an entire episode and Hank forgot to press record. So we're going to do the exact same show a second time.
Brother, we got Tom Fornelli, Big Ten football, good friend of the show. Thief.
Of Hank's thoughts. We also have our lawyer, Mr.
Portnoy. Been a while.
Oh! And Billy, we're recording. Billy.
I know, but... We're watching the game while we record.
Mr. Portnoy back on the show.
I'll be honest, the conversation made very little sense but it was very very funny i was laughing very hard yeah i mean it made sense if you know mr portnoy right but it also even then it kind of didn't make a lot of sense we kind of were just all talking in circles but it was a lot like the debate yeah very very funny um so we're gonna get to all that some picks can't lose parlay will not lose guaranteed or your money back, but not actually because that. Some picks.
Can't lose parlay. Will not lose.

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Or your money back, but not actually because that's not the deal, but it won't lose.

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All right.

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And the NFC East is a dumpster fire. We're actually recording this with about 10 minutes left in the game.
And Daniel Jones, the most electric 80-yard run that fell flat on his face. Was it 80 yards? It was 80.1 yards.
We should get him a sticker to put on the back of his Honda Element. As Joe Buck said, he's gone.
He fell. And it was the perfect encapsulation of NFC East football.
I actually think that he shit himself. If you watch the replay, he's running.
He makes the exact verbal meme when the Chipotle hits. Have we been doing that one recently? Well, you know what it was? It was like anyone who, and Daniel Jones is obviously not out of shape, but for all my out of shape guys out there, and I include myself, it's when you get on a treadmill and you run run really hard and then you're like, this sucks, I need to get off.
And so he basically was trying to get off the treadmill around yard 75 and then just fell flat on his face. If he could have just grabbed the sidebars, he would have done that instead of falling on his face.
I think it was even a little bit before that. I think he was good for about 50 yards and he gradually started to tilt forward.
Like a drunk person that's been at a bar for like a solid nine hours and you know that they're going to go over. Like the band's playing.
He's the only person still dancing. They're doing like some deep cut Bruno Mars track that only the drummer knows.
And yeah, he just ate it face forward. Billy brought up an interesting stat.
Go ahead, Billy. Do you want to go off game? Daniel Jones has run the fastest out of any quarterback since the 2018 season.
He ran 21.23 miles per hour, which is faster than any of Lamar Jackson's runs. That's crazy.
He should be a wide receiver. Why did Bill Polian tell him to work out as a wide out? That's insane.
I think he's a rushing quarterback that's been trapped in the pocket. Yeah.
I mean, he – The mild cat offense. This game sucks, and I think the Eagles are going to lose.
They're almost definitely going to lose. And now the Giants are in first place.
No, they're tied in first place, tied for first place with the Cowboys. It's just perfect that the Giants would win this game when all you're saying is like, oh, the Eagles look like they will probably run away with the NFC East.
And when I say run away, I mean like they'll get six wins and everyone else will have four. Oh, I'm waiting for the doomsday scenarios at the end of the year because it is possible that we're going to have a 6-10 division winner.
I mean, the Eagles will have a chance to earn back a tie in Week 17 because I think they're in the season against each other. So that might be a little revenge time for them.
But, yeah, I think 6-10 gets you in in the NFC East. So, really, it's actually an entire division of pretenders that are also contenders in a way.
It is very funny, too. I guarantee you.
Here's my stamp. The NFC East, I think, is going to win a playoff game this year.
There's going to be some shitty team that fucks it all up, stumbles into the playoffs like Daniel Jones on the 11-yard line, and they're going to win by like one score, maybe like three points in that early Saturday time slot that traditionally goes to Texas. Wait, but they wouldn't be a team that stumbles in because it would be the NFC East is going to be the fourth seed.
So it would be the fifth seed. They'd play the fifth seed.
Right. No, no.
The seventh seed. I'm saying the NFC East is going to stumble in.
Oh. They're going to limp in.
Got it. Maybe they'll just get a cramp.
I don't. Now, this is maybe a higher level zen question.
Can you limp if you never? They've started limping. Is it a limp if that's how they've been walking the whole season? They were limping from birth.
Right, so it's not even a limp. Yeah, disability.
Yeah, disabled division. Yes, maybe it's just a cramp like Tony Roy.
A limp would imply that at one point we're walking or running without one. Stably.
Right, right. So does Oscar Pistorius limp Hank's hero? I don't know.
Hank does love him. But embrace debate.
Do you think that Dak Prescott could have finished that runoff just hopping? Probably not. Probably not.
But I do think he could throw from the pocket and be better than Andy Dalton. That's probably true.
Yes, yes. Can we pencil in the NFC East representative of the playoffs as the Nickelodeon game? Remember this one game on Nickelodeon? That's true.
The loser gets slimed. No, they're the fifth seed.
No, they're the fourth seed. I can't understand.
The fifth seed is traveling to NFC East. It's so funny because I saw if the playoffs started today and just seeing the Cowboys as the fourth seed is a hilarious, hilarious sight.
And now the Giants will be tied. And Giants fans are definitely going to sell themselves on being like, we're going to get in.
Maybe even bring Eli back and then get 3-lie going. Yeah, I mean, say what you want about Eli.
He would never have 7 yards of separation. Eli Manny, if he were on that run, he would probably just slide clumsily at the 49.
49? Yeah. Where was the 19? He would have slid before the line of scrimmage.
Eli can run 40 yards if he has to. Not with other athletes on the field.
He needs to be able to chase after his many children on the beach. If does the defense start in the locker room, then he might be able to get there.
They start underneath the goalpost. These are just mean.
I mean, Eli retired, so we don't need to take shots at Eli. And you know what? His nephew is going to be a stud.
All right. So we got a great football weekend ready to go.
Like I said, we have Tom Fernelli to talk Big Ten football. We got Mr.
Portnoy, our lawyer, to talk God knows what. We had the World Series.
Clayton Kershaw, by the way, clutch. 1-1.
Are you into the World Series? Before we get to the NFL weekend and the football preview, are you into the World Series? I'll put it this way, Big Cat. I watched The Bachelorette for the first time on Tuesday night.
It was wonderful. I'm getting into it.
I know what people are talking about when they say that it is a terrible show but still a very interesting show. I'm not going to go off in a diatribe about The Bachelorette here.
Hank, we will do that for you next week. But I have watched every World Series game, but it's been on mute the whole time.
Yeah. The best part was the guy who caught that line drive that went into the outfield last night wearing a shirt that said, nice swing, bitch.
Yeah. Well, no.
So that guy was great. And then the guy who threw his glove back in there on the field who had the, like, puka shell necklace and Aeropostale shirt and cargo pants and maybe a little bit of a mullet.
Yeah. And he just had a vibe of, like, a dude that we would want to just huff paint with.
The king of Tampa. Yeah.
Right. Exactly.
So he was awesome. It is nice to have a few fan shots.
Like, I miss that. Yeah.
I miss the weirdo fans uh so it's really what we should do is like i think america would be fine with having 5 000 fans 10 000 fans in every sporting event just make them the weirdest fans yeah like you have to enter a competition right again like the dude that tossed the coffee can of his dad's ashes at the link should be at this thursday night game just the weirdest looking his dad his dad made that tackle yeah a dead guy who has been lying on the field in ashes for what five years yep brought down daniel jones is a fact was that the ghost san darnold saw oh different stadium different stadium but yeah it might travel and different team was it the cat also Oh, we got some... Who the heck is this family?

They just showed a family in a suite doing some kind of dance. That's got to be Amara.
The Giants are going to win. The Giants are going to win.
The Giants are going to win. Incredible that the Eagles, like, Philadelphia's got to be pretty pissed because that's a winnable game.
Carson Wentz, I've said it before, but that guy. The game's not over, by the way.
That guy just doesn't. The game's not over.
He just spins. Yeah, it is.
He just spins the wrong direction constantly. He loves spinning, loves falling forward.
And I know his offensive line sucks, but he also, and it's a chicken and the egg thing. Like, is he bailing because his offensive line sucks? Or does his offensive line really suck because he constantly bails on him and makes everything look way worse than it is? A little bit of both, I'd say.
Probably a little bit of both. He definitely is not the most graceful person when he's moving around back there.
I think Russell Wilson spins the wrong way a lot, but he does it on purpose. And he does it fast.
He does it really fast. Carson Wentz is like Russell Wilson if you play the wrong record at the wrong speed.
No, he's Russell Wilson. It's a turning radius.
He is like a Chevy Suburban, and Russell Wilson is like a sleek sports car. No, I like a Chevy Suburban.
But it doesn't have a turning radius. That's my point.
It's a slower turn where it's like, oh, maybe I have to do a three-point turn here. Yeah.
The bottom line is it was a questionable call in the first place to throw on fourth down. I kind of liked it because why not? It preserved the chance of there being a tie when the Eagles were down by four points on the seven-yard line.
On the other hand, it was a goal line fade, which is always a questionable choice when you don't have a quarterback or a wide receiver on your roster. Yes.
The Eagles roster is a dumpster fire through and through. So let's do this.
So the NFC East, what a game.

Thank you so much.

That was great to watch on Thursday Night Football.

I like how we also tricked ourselves being like,

two bad teams might be a good game.

Might break out.

It happens every now and again. We also get this where it's like, okay, it's punts and fumbles and Carson Wentz throwing across his body across the field.
But it was kind of a fun bad game, which I'm okay with. I think if you took away Daniel Jones' run, it becomes a terrible game.
He saved it. Daniel Jones falling on his face saved this game.
And also the cartoon that they had of Carson Wentz where he looked like that ESPN simulation of what if Michael Vick were white. Yes.
That was a good look. How do they go about deciding who gets the cartoons? I don't know.
Fox has been on a – I think what happened was they just hired a guy to do all the cartoons before the season started without checking his work. Uh-huh.
And he did all the work. So it's like, well, we have to use it.
We can't – We already paid for it. We're in this economy.
Might as well use it. Yeah.
We as well use it yeah we're not in a position to throw anything away right otherwise yeah uh troy and joe will complain about it being a waste of taxpayer money right but he uh the the michael vick carson wentz thing was good they don't have i noticed that jushik had a touchdown a couple weeks ago they didn't have one ready to go of jushik no i don't i think i think he limited to wide receivers and quarterbacks. And quarterbacks, maybe some running backs.
They should just have like three different guys that they cycle in and out, like an old school Nintendo video game. Yeah.
Where it's like, here's generic black man. Yes.
And he scores a touchdown. Video game character form.
Yeah. All right.
So let's do a weekend preview. We'll go through every game real quick.
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Let's start. We have, well, we had a game moved.

So we're going to switch a room, but we'll get to that.

But I would say I'm going to rate this slate as, actually, it's like a B+. 3.5 balls.

Yeah, it's actually a pretty good slate.

There's some good games in both time slots that I'm looking forward to.

But let's start with the Bills and the Jets.

Who cares?

The Bills are going to kill them. Get right game.
That's a fact oh hank is oh no hank what oh no what just happened oh no hank is hank taking are you sprinkling money line oh no hank you do hate josh allen that's not true yeah that's what you're saying no absolutely not i never said that i like josh allen a The Bills are division rivals. But the Jets have to win sometime.
And the Bills have not looked good the last two weeks. Against pretty good teams.
I'll give you this, Hank. 12 and a half is a lot.
At some point. I'm not saying the Jets are going to win.
But 12 and a half is a lot. And the Jets might win.
So I am also going to be betting on the Jets. I do not have any intention of betting on the Jets' money line,

but I agree with Hank that at some point the Jets are going to make me look like an idiot.

No.

And I'd rather make myself look dumb than have the Jets beat me.

No.

What are you going to say, Billy?

Go ahead.

A couple years ago, a football team got blown out in New Jersey.

It was a high school team, and the kids came back,

and they hazed the shit out of their freshmen. That's kind of what this Buffalo Bills-Jets game is going to be like.
They're just going to beat the shit out of them. I love that.
I love that. It was you.
Who did you name? No, it wasn't us. It was in New Jersey.
It was like a whole story. They got blown out in the game, and they went back to the locker room and just hazed the shit out of their freshman because they were so pissed off.
They lost. That's going to be what the Bills are going to do to the Jets because they lost the last two games.
They're going to beat this shit out of the Jets. Billy drawing on his wealth of life experiences.
That's not my high school. But what does that have to do with...
So the Jets are going to lose so bad that they haze people? No. The Bills lost, so now they're pissed.
Oh, so they're going to haze the Jets. Okay, you could have just said they need to prove it because they've lost a couple bad games.
You don't have to talk about a seventh grader sticking a pine cone up his teammate's butt. Nope.
It wasn't that? It was up his pee hole? Broom handle. Okay.
Next up, Panthers-Saints. I think Drew Brees is going to look good this game because I don't think the Saints get a lot of pressure.
Oh, Carson Wentz going deep. Got it.
Watch out for the 11-yard line. The 11-yard line got him.
Hank was not wrong. This game is not over.
I think the – yeah, I think the – I would take the Panthers plus 7.5, but I feel like this is a Drew Brees isn't washed up game. Interesting.
I can't get a handle on the Panthers. I keep thinking that they're good, and then they come out looking dookie.
What about? No, they're in the eh. They're a total eh team.
Is Christian McCaffrey playing? I don't think so. Is it time to ask the question, are they better without Christian McCaffrey? We've asked that, and the answer is yes.
I think the answer is a resounding yes. Yes.
Let Teddy cook. Browns, Bengals.
I think the Browns are going to smoke the Bengals because I think they're just going to run the ball. They might run Army's offense.
So speaking of doing something to prepare yourself for the entire season on TV and having to use it at some point, ESPN had a full slate of graphics of, is it time for the Browns to move on from Baker Mayfield? Is it time for the Browns to move on from Odell Beckham that were just sitting collecting dust in the filing cabinet. And after they lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers,

which they do every year as is tradition,

they decided they were going to break all those out this week.

I love it.

I think they're the only people having the conversation of like,

is Baker Mayfield too bad to be a Browns quarterback?

I don't think anyone's ever, ever asked that judging from

like the first time he sat on the field wearing that uniform.

Right, he's doing pretty well if you look at the history of a curve on a curve yeah he's doing great right but i do think this is a uh get right game for the browns in that like the last time these two teams played the browns were able to run the ball i think they had like 250 yards so i would imagine it's going to be you i mean maybe i'm way off but i just i feel do – this is – if you – if Baker Mayfield doesn't have to throw more than 20 times, especially with his ribs being hurt, I think the Browns are going to have some success. Agreed.
The Dallas Cowboys at the Washington football team, the other NFC East game, we should actually start doing – the NFC East should start being the new action, and we should do doubleheaders NFC East Thursday nights. Our Tuesday nights.
They should just play each other. Yeah, move them to Tuesday nights.
They don't get to play anyone else. No, I agree with that 100%.
Although I want you to put a little bit more respect on the Washington football team's name this week. They're the only team that is entirely registered to vote.
Oh, wow. So shout out.
That was a big thing that Jason Wright brought up today. So we're winning off the field again in Washington, D.C.
Wow. I think they're going to win this game, by the way.
I will never look at a line that has Washington and Dallas as a pick-em and feel confident at all betting on Washington. I think they're going to win this game.
I really do. I think the Cowboys are that bad.
And again, the Cowboys, it's never a good sign when the Cowboys players say,

we wanted to keep this all in-house, but our coaches suck,

and they put us in a terrible position, and we hate them.

But we wanted to keep it in-house.

Quick update on Dwayne Haskins' butt.

I think he still has diarrhea, because Rivera was saying that he just coaches

based on his gut feeling and what he thinks his other players' gut feelings are

at any given time. I was reading between the lines on that one a little bit.
but he still has diarrhea he's not going to be playing i don't think oh and one other thing uh they're keeping the name going into next year oh really still gonna be the football which i like i think i actually think it's okay it's not bad and it's they should develop an identity before they give themselves a name you don't want to like name a kid when it's still in the wound you want to to meet the kid first and then be like, oh, yeah, you totally feel like you're a Chaz. You've got a Mohawk.
You look awesome. Right.
That's not how it goes at all. I like it just because every time someone types out WTF, and it's kind of perfect.
It is nice. Your brain just reads it that way.
All right. Falcons are hosting the Detroit Lions.
We could do this every single week, but this is like what famous game did the Lions play against the Falcons that the Lions got fucked over with? Remember the Golden Tate catch at the goal line that was totally a touchdown that they called, for some reason, not a touchdown? Right. Usually weekly could be like, oh yeah, remember when the Lions played this team last time they got fucked over by the refs.
This is my are we sure they're the Falcons game of the week. So I think that the Lions are actually in danger of inheriting the Falcons torch that they've been carrying around.
Dan Quinn is like a scout team, Matt Patricia. So they've been like preparing to deal with this guy for the last four years.
But I think that if Detroit beats the Falcons, do they become the Falcons? Are they the new Falcons? A team with a good offense that manages to blow it? I think the – I'm a little hot take here. Actually, let me look up at the Lions, who they got coming up.
I think the Lions are poised to go on a teeny little bit of a run here. I think the Lions are going to go on a little, tiny, little, like a baby little run.
What does that mean? Two, three games? Falcons. At Falcons.
Where they blow a 10-point lead? Home against the Colts. At the Vikings.
They're going to go on a two-quarter run. Home against the Washington football team

at the Panthers.

Home against the Texans.

I'm calling it right now.

Lions about to go on a teeny little baby run.

Little baby run.

So let me see.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

I'm going to say the Lions are going to be

six and five. They're going to be in the – Are the Lions going to be in the hunt on Thanksgiving? I think they're going to go 4-2.
That'll be so nice to watch. But there is – there's something charming about, you know, it's Thanksgiving Day.
You're maybe helping to make some of the appetizers. You have your first glass of wine at 1130, and the Falcons are beating the Lions by, like, 30 points.
Like having having the Lions be losing early on Thanksgiving is a tradition unlike any other. Yeah, I did.
They're playing the Texans on Thanksgiving Day. Yeah, I think they're going to be five and five going into the Texans game.
That'll be fun. They're going to be five and five.
So that means they just have to go three and two in their next five teeny teeny little baby run. It's going to be the cutest little run you've ever seen a bit of a window and and everyone's gonna there's you're gonna get at least one headline like watch out for the lions is calvin johnson gonna come out of retirement yeah and then right when that happens they will suffer just a tragic tragic loss yes uh packers at texans i'm just gonna take the over in this game i don't know is this a get right game forright game for Aaron Rodgers? Is Aaron Rodgers pissed off enough now? Little baby humps? I could see J.J.
Watt doing something to piss Aaron Rodgers off this week, breaking out one of his patented little dig lines, like the Red Rifle BB gun that he had for Andy Dalton. Maybe he does a sack dance where he humps even with less depth.
He humps one time? Yeah. Yeah.
He's definitely going to do the discount double check if he sacks Aaron Rodgers. I think if that's it, that to JJ Watt is the height of comedy.
I do think the Packers are going to win this game pretty easily. I think they're just going to run the ball.
And because the Texans can't stop the run. They were just getting gashed against Derrick Henry.
And obviously it's Derrick Henry, but they've been gashed all season long. So, and then Aaron Rodgers, You know, like when Aaron Rodgers, the few times a year where the Packers actually have a run game, and then Aaron Rodgers looks like actually unstoppable because usually, and I'm going to trigger warning, I'm actually going to compliment Aaron Rodgers here.
Usually, like in the Aaron Rodgers era, it has never been like the complete offense. He's had to do a lot.
So when he gets help from anyone else, he then just, like, he'll have, like, a stat line where it's, like, 19 for 21. For, like, 250 yards.
There's something to that, but there's also something saying that, like, when Aaron Rodgers has a running game that's helping him out, and the running game gets a lot of the shine, then Aaron Rodgers gets into mope mode. He gets into Debbie Downer mode.
Yeah, like, oh, I should be the one. Yeah, he comes out a little flat the next game.
His helmet's a little bit bigger. His mustache is a little bit more ironic.
And then he's got his bad game. Cowboy hat.
Yeah, I agree. All right, the biggest game to start the Sunday, Steelers and Titans.
This will be the contender game. Whoever wins this game is officially a contender I have been doubting the Titans I do think there's something that just sniffs about them but if they win this game they have they will earn my respect fully yeah yeah I think that the Steelers are still pissed off about not being able to play the Titans a couple weeks ago they're gonna carry to carry that into that.
That's right. This is the Big Ben revenge game where he had to take a bye week without planning it, and that was the real tragedy.
When he didn't want to, yeah. So, I mean, Pittsburgh does.
They're such a funny town because they do get pissed off about stuff like that. Right.
We're supposed to play football. Yins are supposed to play us.
You Jaguars weren't around. We were on the field.
We were here. Right.
We'll play in Uzbekistan. Yeah.
I like the Steelers, though. Chargers, Jaguars, who cares? This might be a frisky Marone game.
I don't know. I think the Chargers are too good defensively to let those frisky games happen.
Chargers are overdue for just a devastating injury. Wow, why would you say that? That's so mean.
Because they always have one about this time of year. That's brutal.
Hank, why are you scratching your face with the microphone? That's right. They lost Derwin pretty early this year.
Fellow coach Doug supported. Yeah, I just looked over, and Hank was scratching his face with the microphone.
What was that? Nothing. I was just chilling.
Like a bear on a tree. Yes, pretty much.
Pretty much. You worry about yourself.
I mean, I am, but it's distracting when I looked over and you're like... I had a three-cheese thought last night.
Okay. So the Chargers and the Rams have been sharing...
Tank actually did behind the eyes? They've been sharing a stadium for just, what, a year now? Yes. About a calendar year.
Wait, who? The Chargers and the Rams. When did they move in? Less.
When did they officially move in? A month and a half. Okay.
It was a three-cheat thought. All right.
So we've got about another year and a half. Remember they played in the soccer stadium last year? Yeah, they were in the soccer stadium.
I didn't know when they started using the new stadium as like the... Oh, you're saying not like playing games.

Yeah.

I don't know when the facility...

I would imagine probably sometime this summer.

Yeah, probably.

So we're about a year and a half away.

They're going to be common law married.

Yeah.

As far as the state of California goes.

True.

True.

Love is love.

It truly was a 3G thought.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah, you prefaced it.

If you had not said the 3G thing, I'd have been like, what are you doing, dude?

No, just... You're good.
I was high doing, dude? No, just you're good.

I was high as shit.

You're good.

You're good.

Hank, Patriots, 49ers.

This seems too easy.

Hank, is this a Jimmy Garoppolo revenge game

or a Bill Belichick revenge game?

I think it's a Bill Belichick shut the haters up revenge game.

Oh, to the haters.

To the haters.

And coronavirus.

I mean, there's still people saying that the Patriots

I'm going to go to the haters. To the haters.
And coronavirus. I mean, there's still people saying that the Patriots made a mistake trading Jimmy Garoppolo even though they won two Super Bowls after that, which is crazy.
Who? Boston Media. That's crazy.
The take has been had this week. I've seen it.
Wait, with no offense to Jimmy G, he hasn't lit the world on fire. Right.
Okay. But they're saying that the current quarterbacks, they would rather have Jimmy G than Cam Newton right now.
Yes. These last five games have been hell on earth for the Patriots.
It all could have been spared just by keeping Jimmy G around and not winning two Super Bowls. I don't think this is a too easy game based on the Patriots.
I mean, they lost to the Broncos last week. You know, the Broncos are always, you know, a wonky team for the Patriots.
Ooh. So I don't think this is a too easy game based on the Patriots.
I mean, they lost to the Broncos last week, even though the Broncos are always a wonky team for the Patriots.

So I don't think this is going to be a too easy,

blow them out, Patriots going to smoke them.

I think it will be a grinded-out win.

Don't you think, though, that Kyle Shanahan is... Maybe that's under, but 43.5 is pretty low.

He still has that thought in the back of his head,

losing to Bill Belichick in the Super Bowl.

You don't think that he's going to just

take that into account and be super

aggressive, throw the ball around a bunch?

No.

Okay. He could be,

but... Yeah, it's a Kyle Shanahan-Jimmy

Garoppolo revenge game. Double.

And that was a drop

passed by Ingram, and this game is not over.

And Belichick has been doing the thing

where he just is gassing up Kittle all week, calling him the best player in the NFL. That's the one time, though, that actually is true.
Belichick does like to do that with a long snapper. Yeah, or he'll be going up against Andy Dalton and be like, Andy Dalton does a lot of things very well.
He has an intact fibula, which I love about the guy. Two of them, as a matter of fact.
He can tie his shoes. He's potty trained.
His hair isn't as red as it used to be. Good job, Andy Dalton.
All right. Chiefs, Broncos to finish the afternoon slate.
Like we said, there was... Oh, no.
We actually have four games the afternoon. So Chiefs, Broncos.
Chiefs are going to kill them. Well, it's going to be Andy Reid in the snow.
Is it going to snow? So we're all winners. Yeah, I think it's going to snow in Denver.
We might have a snow game Minnesota-Michigan on Saturday night. I need to know what technology Andy has in store for his visor in the snow.
If he's going to have any de-icing spray that he puts on there. If he's just going to take it off and blow on it and wipe it with his T-shirt.
I don't know. Andy Reid in the snow, it's a sight, though.
It's a real treat for everybody out there. So cherish these moments while you have them.
It's also, I think, maybe the second time Blake Bortles has seen snow. So we can circle that on the calendar.
That's true. And this is also a Blake Bortles practice team scout quarterback where he's been simulating Patrick Mahomes all week.

Yes.

So they'll be ready for any sort of no-look pass intentionally or unintentionally

that Patrick Mahomes throws.

Deshaun Jackson, I think, just got hurt again.

So that sucks.

Is his hamstring?

Yep, that sucks.

That was fun for three.

And, yeah, he ended with a half a yard short.

Oh, you seem a little happy about that, Hank. I don't know.
Smile, smirk. What were you going to say, Billy? I feel like the Giants told them to hit him twice because of, like, years ago when Deshaun Jackson had that fourth quarter punt return against the Giants.
What was his name? Deshaun Jackson. What was the start of it? Deshaun Jackson.
There you go. Deshaun Jackson.
I like Deshaun. That was an all-time punt return.
Yeah. The Deshaun Jackson game.
Yeah. So you think the Meadowlands and the Giants hazed their players after that game.
Yeah. You think Joe Judge was like, hey, guys, remember that time none of us had anything to do with the Giants organization? Let's get Deshaun

Jackson for that. That was the real miracle

in the Meadowlands was that comeback win

where Billy's high school team

just devastated them.

He just made everyone do an elephant walk.

I went undefeated my senior season.

In hazing? Wow.

That's not... There's no way that's true.

You're probably a five-star hazer. I didn't lose a game my senior year Team sport Oh yeah Jake You easily have a You have a comeback Get it, find it, give yourself a second Tennis isn't a team sport I mean yeah that was close enoughed around it.
You should have just been like, what do you know about team sports, nerd?

Yeah, right.

You overthought it.

You overthought it.

I described it too much.

That's a dork move.

Yeah, that's our day.

And that was our Salisbury and Clayton.

We still got to get you guys to debate some shit.

All right.

Last game in the afternoon.

Bucks, Raiders. What did you just say? China.
Bucks Raiders. Bucks Raiders got moved up because there might be some the COVID.
I love the Raiders in this game, by the way. I love them at night.
I don't know if I love them in the afternoon. I know that's so stupid, but it's just how I feel.
I was very much looking forward to seeing that stadium at night. Yeah.
Wearing its evening wear, its gown. You know how I feel about the Raiders stadium.
Yeah. About a Legionnaire.
Shout out to a Legionnaire. Miss you, babe.
But yeah, Tampa. I don't know.
I like Tampa in this game. I'm going to zig while you zag on it.
I think that Tampa is starting to come into their own. Well, no, I don't like them anymore.
I liked the Raiders at night. Okay, gotcha.
Because I liked it. I liked the Sunday night Bucs just coming off a huge win.
Everyone in America bets on the Bucs. It's too easy.
Take the Raiders. Now that it's tucked away at 4 o'clock, I just feel differently about this.
I agree, because you can't fade it if it's at night. Yes, it doesn't have the same amount of of attention.
I think yeah, I think Bruce Arians is starting to figure out how to use Tom Brady, which is basically just don't throw any more outs. Mm hmm.
Take that out of the entire. Yes, yes.
And then I mean, I love that the Seahawks were flexed tonight because that just means that it's going to be a crazy weird game. Seahawks Cardinals at night.
I don't know what to think. It's I'm leaning Arizona on this one.
Well, three and a half you just think like the Seahawks Cardinals at night. I don't know what to think.
I'm leaning Arizona on this one. Well, three and a half, you just think the Seahawks can't play a game that's not come down to the last possession.
I also think that just mentioning the name Antonio Brown is going to destroy the Seahawks locker room. There's definitely been a conversation.
That's such a weird move for them, I think, because they've got some good receivers. Antonio Brown, everywhere that he goes goes strangeness follows him the seahawks are weird enough without him you can't double down on that weirdness yes it's something's going to happen if i could make like a colin coward type analogy uh they're uh morgan freeman and antonio brown is the weird earring that he puts in yeah and just it mucks everything up a little bit what it didn't doesn't have some weird shit too i think think some of that was made up.
Oh, that sucks. Some of it was true.
Well, that sucks if it was made up. Also sucks if it was true.
Also sucks. Sucks a little bit more if it was true.
Yeah, both things suck. All right.
That is our... What do you think is in Cliff Kingsbury's skull? Ooh, here we go.
Eagles are going down the field. I think in Cliff Kingsbury's skull is like a white countertop with nothing on it except fake fruit.
White? Like a white granite countertop that goes on forever. I think a marble countertop.
Yeah. Pristine.
White marble. Maybe a really tightly rolled $100 bill, and that's it.
Yes. And the fake fruit.
Either that or just cum. Yeah.
Just a bunch of cum. Okay.
That's a little different than what I think. Yeah.
Well, one or the other. Choose your own adventure.
Okay. We're recording this on International Nut Day.
Is that true? Yeah, it's Nut Day. Get it? it yep and patino made his grand entrance at iona no we don't know i'm just saying i don't it's just i want on the record i did not make that joke it's just a fact i said he did has nothing to do with my stalker uh all right let's do let's do our fantasy fuck boys and then we'll get to big 10 preview with Tom Fernelli and then our lawyer, Mr.
Portnoy, back on the show. Thank God.
Okay, let's do it. Ayo! Ayo! What do you want from me? It's Audie Romino.
You didn't come up with a name. At least do Fettuccine Alfredo.
It's already Linguini. My stardom this week is eating ass.
What? Okay. But not the eating ass you're thinking about.
I'm talking about the fighter. I eat ass.
Fighting and roughing around you. Yeah.
Make your picks in the play, boss. We'll have a 25K.
Go 10 for 10. Buy R&R.com.
My sit-em is Britney Spears. Uh-oh.
Disagree. She's cray-cray.
She's making these weird-ass videos. She's looking in the camera.
She's scaring me. You just big fan.
You just hopped. Where did you hop? Hey, you're scaring me, Britney.
You're scaring me. Leave Britney alone.
And my sleeper is Coach O. That dude fuss.
Go Tigers. Go Tigers.
Go Slut Shame. That's right.
That's right. What did we say? Slut Shame and Coach O.
No one said anything about sluts. That was a joke.
Cut this. It's perfectly normal for a man to have sexual feelings about a woman.
That's all I'm going to say. What's up, dickheads? No.
No, we ain't cutting shit, Billy. Don't be a fraud, Billy.
No circumcision on this podcast. You took your shot, Billy, and you missed.
Who the fuck cares? What's up, motherfuckers? This is Danucci. Danucci.
Danucci. Danucci.
Danucci Square, baby. Double D.
This weekend, I'm starting deferring on kickoffs. It's a huge start for me right now.
Teams that defer on kickoffs this year are 90% winners. I'm talking 90% winners this year.
Random stats on them. I'm a big numbers guy.
That can't be true. My sit of the week is numbers.
Coach Eric Biennium on the Chiefs, he gave his speech and he said it's not about the numbers, it's about the alphabets. The only two alphabets that matter in this industry is a W and an L.
That is poetry to my heart. That guy is the next day.
I fucking love Eric Bien Eric B. I love it.
And my sleep of the week is Joe Buck's inside voice when he switches over to calling baseball. It's like a little mini-matches nap from fucking Jim Nance.
It's so sweet, so nice. Dads across America are snoozing, including the big guy over there.
That's right, big man. Big man.
Who's a big man? You're big man. I'm a big man?

You're a big man.

Alright, what's up guys? It's Joey

Badafuko. What's up,

Joey Bats? Joey Badafuko. My

stardom this week is Trent Brown.

I found out yesterday, Trent Brown has

the greatest tattoo of all time. It's him

getting sucked off by two different

women on his arm. And

also, he looks like 70 pounds lighter. It's a great tattoo.
He's getting his ass fucking tossed. Nut day.
And one of the women's got his jersey number on. That's fucking boss.
My cinema is SEC football. Big Ted's back, baby.
The big boys are back, ready to play. SEC, who cares? Who cares? I actually still care.
And then my sleeper is, I actually, this is a PSA. I fucked up last week.
I thought it was Daylight Savings. It's this week.
My bad. My bad.
Yeah, I've been an hour early for everything. Hey, what the fuck? I know.
What the fuck? What the fuck? I had to break. Hey, what the fuck? I had to break character because I fucked up and I felt so bad that I fucked up.
It's this week. I fucked up.
This week is Daylight Saving. Saturday night.
Daylight Saving time. Make sure you change your clocks Saturday night so you don't be an idiot on Sunday and miss the start of the game.
No one fucking uses clocks anyway. All right, go ahead.
Sorry. That was my PSA.
What up? It's Cosimo DiModici. My stardom is the turf monster.
Ate up Daniel Jones. Ate his ass.
Sniper. Came up with that right now.
No. My sit-up is...
My sit-up is also Daniel Jones. My sit-up is Daniel Jones, the open field.
My sleeper is me. I'm very sleepy.
I'm sorry if I make bad jokes. Good job, Billy.
That works, Cosimo. Good job, Billy.
All right. Fine arts.
That was face fuck boys. So we got 51 seconds left in this game, and it looks like, ooh, the Eagles are now going to.
Now, this is the perfect ending to the NFC East shit bowl because there's been, like, flags back and forth a million times. Credit to Hank.
He said this game was not over. I doubted him.
Flag on the Eagles. So we'll see if they can get it in.
Actually, that's bad. Do the Eagles, no chance they go for two, but they should.
No chance. Because a lot of people had a certain number that they had to hit on it.
Travis Kelsey – or sorry, Jason Kelsey just ripped off a helmet. By the way, my can't lose parlay, I forgot to say it.
Tell me, Hank, tell me what loses here. None of it.
Bills. Bills money line.
Bills money line. Packers money line.
Lions plus four and a half Adjusted And Chiefs for fun in the afternoon On the money line It's plus 252 right now We're going to boost it though so it will be even more than that Oh did he catch it? Eagles scored a touchdown Boston Scott I don't know if he got that though We'll have, I don't know. We'll have to see.
We'll have to see.

Do you want to give us your berserker parlay?

I got the first of friends of the program parlay.

We got Bills to cover.

We got Rams money line.

We got the Cleveland Browns and Bengals over at 50.

We got the boys, Ryan with the boys money line.

Tennessee Titans.

Whoa.

Only half of them.

There's really no boys.

It's the boys. What? Oh.
No, there's still our boys. There's still our boys.
What happened with Will? He was inactive last time. But they're going to activate him probably.
I knew that. And activate him very strongly.
I'm friends with him and I knew that. And our man, Greg Kittle, Moneyline Niners.
Okay. Billy.
I totally knew that about Will about You don't even like the Pats

This season

He's like straight up rooting for Tom Brady every week

I think we all have three Chi right now

This is awesome

This show has gotten off the rails

Okay

You just accused Hank of not liking the Pats

I like it

I like it

Go Billy So what's your berserker? We got to gas, Billy. Hype circle him.
Hype circle me. Yeah.
Go after him. Billy, you're doing great.
Your jokes are landing. Thank you.
Great crap today, Billy. It's midterms.
I was up late writing essays. Oh, yeah? How late? This is my fire fest.
How many kills did you get last night? For your acting class? No. Oh, he almost answered it.
He almost answered it. No, I'm trying to fix something up.
You almost answered how many kills you got. Yep, I heard that.
Okay. I got 20.
Oh, Jalen Hurts in for the two-point conversion and... Come on, Jalen.
Tip. Tip.
Flag in the end zone. Wait, was Carson Wentz out for that pass? They did have Carson Wentz out.
Wait, dude. My hedgehoghog picked the Giants plus 3.5 and I thought it was a crazy pick, but it's going to work.
Let me tell you my Hedgehog's picks. Okay, go ahead.
Here they are. It's on TikTok.
That's a flag. Okay, so we got Giants plus 3.5.
Oh, plus 4.5. Four and a half.
Four and a half.

Then we got... Alright, let's do some ads.

We got Bengals plus three.

Yep. We got...

Why don't you save this for the end? Why don't you write this down?

Also, save this for the end. He's literally

watching every TikTok.

He has Steelers plus

1.5. Alright.
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He has Steelers plus 145. All right.
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Find all one bars at a retailer near you or on Amazon.com. right here he is our good friend tom franelli okay we now welcome on our longtime friend recurring guest dog avatar uh henry lockwood uh copier yeah uh ripping off hank all the time plagiarist is Tom Fornelli, CBS Sports.
You can find him on the Cover 3 podcast. You can follow him at Tom Fornelli.
He's got picks every single weekend. He is sharp, even though he takes unders all the time.
Hashtag trust the process. Tom, Big Ten football.
We have you on to preview the Big Ten football season. We're finally here.
Do you to start with friday night or no should we save it i'll start wherever you want to start all right wisconsin's gonna fuck you guys up so wisconsin's playing illinois in a revenge game let's just get that out of the way i i i might have i may have talked to um the prodigal son today graham mertz he said the boys are ready so how nervous are you now? And maybe tell me what you think Illinois season is going to be like. I want to actually have a question for you.
Like, how do you feel about Graham Mertz? Like, is there a lot of excitement surrounding him? Because he's like the highly ranked four-star quarterback recruit. And you guys.
Five. Four in the composite.
But like, you know, because Wisconsin's used to having like, you know, the Scott Tolzien types, the dudes who aren't very good and aren't asked to do a whole lot. So like, are you guys like able to control yourselves right now that you might have a quarterback capable of throwing more than 20 yards downfield? I resent pretty much everything you just said, but yes, the answer is yes.
I'm very, very excited.

How can you not be?

I mean, it's always crazy to get like a recruit that you normally don't get,

whether you're Wisconsin or any other program. So yeah, I'm excited.
And I think the sky's the limit. Who knows? Graham Mertz could be incredible.
Graham Mertz could be the best player in the country, maybe even in the Big Ten too, because obviously the Big Ten's the best conference. So let's start with the West then because we're talking Illinois, Wisconsin.
Give me your, like, who's going to win and who's your dark horse in the West. Well, Minnesota is going to win the division.
Let's get that out of the way right now. No, it's – I don't know, honestly, because when you look at this division, It is a very close, I guess, you want to, you know, NFL type parody kind of division in that I don't think the best team in the West is all that much better than the team that's probably going to finish in last.
Like we had to do our Big Ten prediction season preview kind of thing this week at CBSSports.com. And in that, you know, they want your hot takey kind of bold prediction for the season and my prediction was nobody's getting out of the west with fewer than three losses this year and I honestly think that's the case because when I look at Wisconsin and Minnesota who are the two prohibitive favorites in the division I don't think the gap between them and Purdue and Illinois is all that wide I certainly don't think it's 20 points which is why we're Illinois against the spread on Friday night.
And I look at the situation that we're stuck in where since the Big Ten originally decided to postpone its season and then said, oh, wait, no, this is fine. We could have played.
Let's jump back in. So now they're playing eight games in eight weeks, or at least they're crossing their fingers and hoping they can play eight games in eight weeks.
That's going to be hell on all these teams because there is no time off. There's no bye weeks.
There are no cupcake kind of get right games to try to figure out your situation or your depth chart because we haven't had a spring practice. We didn't really have a real fall camp leading into the season.
So those games would have come in very handy to try to figure out what you have. Instead, you've got to find out right away.
So now Wisconsin enters the season where, you know, Jack Cohen was supposed to be the quarterback. Graham Mertz is highly rated as a recruit, but that doesn't change the fact that Mertz had not been able to beat Cohen in camp for the starting job.
To me, that's something of a concern. And now he's being thrown right into the fire in a Big Ten game.
And Wisconsin's got to replace Jonathan Taylor. It's got to replace Quintus Cephas.
It has a couple of players in the offensive line it has to replace. The defense is still going to be great, but there are more questions on the offensive side of the ball for Wisconsin than we typically see.
Then we move to Minnesota. And yes, they have Tanner Morgan at quarterback, who's probably one of the more underrated quarterbacks in the country.
I think he's a first-round NFL draft pick next spring, and most people don't even know who he is. They've got Rashad Bateman, another first round NFL draft pick next spring at receiver.
And they have a very good offensive line, which is nearly all back in its entirety. But on the other side of the ball, their entire defense from last year is gone.
And their defense wasn't that great last year. So maybe that's a blessing in disguise.
But still, it's very young and inexperienced. And it's being thrown straight into the fire at home against Michigan on Saturday so I look at the division from top to bottom and when you see the two favorites being those teams and there are a lot of question marks about both of those teams this really is like it's become I look at the Big Ten West this year is what the ACC Coastal has been in previous years where you might go five and three and four and four everybody might be four and four it's just a complete toss-up at this point it sounds like a little hot takey and the type of thing that we would say to make fun of people who actually say but going back to wisconsin's quarterback is there like actually a chance that paul chris doesn't know how to use a good quarterback you know i don't think it's that he doesn't know how to use it i think it's that the recipe for success in madison has been so you know it's worked yeah and it's like why fuck with it like we just turn around oh we hand off we're not allowed to cuss oh we're not anymore yeah oh oh my god i forgot the pen money i'm just fucking with you damn it i'm sorry guys oh geez do you want to start over you know it's so like they turn around they hand it off behind their giant offensive line, and they, you know, move the ball down the field.
So that's my thing. Like, I think Chris knows how to use a quarterback.
What I want to know is, is he going to be willing to do it? Because we saw what happens with Wisconsin a few years ago when they had Russell Wilson, when they had, like, an actual, by God, quarterback. And if Mertz is potentially that kind of guy, they take the you know will they loosen the reins will they let him take shots down the field will they turn to that or will they go super conservative and just try to get four and a half yards at a time by handing off to their running backs and you know then find a tight end over the middle off play action so the one question i did have about friday night and then we can get back to actual football talk but this this is important too.
What is the beard situation looking like for Lovey Smith on a scale of like Idris Alba to Santa Claus? Where's he at? He's probably like a prepubescent Santa Claus that he's just kind of sprouting last I saw because he did shave it this offseason, which was very disconcerting, honestly, because A, the beard was glorious and magnificent, but then he'd had it for so long that you kind of forgot what lovey smith looked like without the beard and he looked about 20 years younger as soon as he shaved it off so it was kind of jarring to see it but yeah i i hope it's back because i do think that you know silly or not i think that beard definitely plays a role in illinois getting to a bowl last year like, if he's clean-shaven, Illinois is 2-10 at best.

Agreed. All right.
Intangible things in the West, real quick. Minnesota loses their offensive coordinator to Penn State, which I think is significant.
So I'll throw a flag on that, Minnesota, like, winning the West because of that. I honestly think that he means a lot, especially with the COVID.
And iowa having everything that's gone on there how much do you put into like those type of things and then you know what let's throw in jeff brahm not coaching purdue week one and jeff brahm's a fantastic coach uh like these things matter a lot how would you rank those three things i think brahm might be the biggest of them all, honestly, because he is the play caller. It's not like a situation where we saw with Nick Saban where, you know, he was going to potentially miss the game, but he also had a staff filled with guys who'd been head coaches at USC, Texas, and Tennessee.
There were plenty of people around who could control things had he not been able to be there. Jeff Brahm is the coach, the offensive coordinator, the game plan guy, the guy who calls the plays.
So being without him, I think that's going to impact Purdue. And I feel like in an eight-game schedule, even if you're only missing him for one game, that's, you know, what, 12, 13% of your season right there.
I think that Kirk Scirocco leaving Minnesota for Penn State is a big deal, but they do have Mike Sanford, who has been the offensive coordinator at Notre Dame before he was the head coach at Western Kentucky. So it's not like he's some virgin offensive coordinator who's never called plays.
I think that, you know, seeing what's worked, they're probably not going to mess with that formula too much. And then I do think Iowa, the situation off the field will have an impact.
But what's more interesting to me is, you know, besides the ramifications of the culture of the program, Chris Doyle deserved to be fired, deserved to go for what he did. But that doesn't change the fact that Chris Doyle had been huge for that program because their strength and conditioning program is what has made Iowa what it is.
They don't win Big Ten titles. They don't go to a lot of Rose Bowls.
But what they do is they take a bunch of three-star, scrawny, 250-pound kids, and over three or four years, they turn them into NFL talents. They've been churning out NFL players that were kind of, you know, hidden gems and flown under the radar, and they developed them.
So losing that is not something that should be overlooked. And then you just combine the fact that Iowa's got a lot of new players coming in at key positions, like a quarterback, Nate Stanley's, you know, 10-year career is finally over.
So we're going to have a new quarterback there. And you put all that together, and you just kind of put the cloud that's hanging over them from the offseason and just the spotlight that Kirk Ferentz is already under.
Because if things go wrong this year, it's not crazy to think that Ferentz might be in his last season at Iowa just just because the pr nightmare of the off season combined with a bad season they might look at it and say okay now's the time we should move on and get a fresh slate so that's going to be a really interesting story to follow all season long that's that's a great point too because i know pft pokes fun at paul chris and the lack of quarterbacks wisconsin but wisconsin iowa are kind of similar in that it's actually almost like a throwback to Nebraska obviously won national titles but the idea of you're not going to get five-star recruits but you can make two and three-star recruits really really good football players and team depth and the ability to put together a roster is more about the coaching and what you do with them when they come in and the strength and conditioning and you right. That's a big piece.
And those two schools know what they are. Let's do Nebraska real quick.
I mean, Scott Frost, I loved his attitude. He wanted to play in Uzbekistan, but they're going to get, they're going to get like fucked up by Ohio state, right? Like they're going to get fucked up.
Okay. And then Ben state, we didn't know who's, who's week for that uh week two they've got shit i think because i think it's michigan and then northwestern and then penn state yeah i think i think the big 10 said fuck you to to nebraska it is uh ohio state wisconsin yeah northwestern oh wisconsin okay so they kind of yeah they kind of screwed them but yeah so they're gonna get fucked up i mean this is still.
I mean, this is still a work in progress with Nebraska. I do believe in Scott Frost, but it's not there yet.
Yeah, like they really did get fucked in the way that the schedule is an absolute monster and the Big Ten is sticking it to them because they stepped out of line. Like Ohio State wanted to play the entire time, too.
But Ohio State publicly was doing the thing that all big 10 schools do where it's like, yeah, you know, we support the conference decision and then underhand, you know, privately and kind of doing things, leaking it, how we're working to get back. Whereas Nebraska was just the new kids screaming at the kitchen table because the dinner table, because they didn't get dessert.
and this was supposed to be the year like the last the first two years of the scott frost era

did not go as planned like he didn't come in he wasn't a savior from day one he didn't save the

program but those expectations really weren't realistic to begin with because going from bo pelini to mike riley you had to change your entire offensive personnel from what bo pelini ran to what mike riley was trying to run and now scott frost is coming back after mike riley's brought in his players and kind of reverting to the same kind of offense they originally had. So now he's got to bring in a whole new set of players that fits what he wants to do.
So that was always going to take a few years, and this was supposed to be the year where you thought you would take the step forward because it's his third year. Adrian Martinez was starting his third year as the starting quarterback.
You've got an exciting player in Wondell Robinson, but now you've got Ohio State in week one, then you've got wisconsin and then a couple weeks after that you got penn state and that northwestern game that's in between there because suddenly becomes a lot trickier to deal with between wisconsin and penn state so we're looking at a real situation where nebraska could be oh and four after the first four games of the year because even if that offense does take the step forward that i do think it will the defense is still awful the defense The defense was awful the last two years. I don't see anything that has changed to make me believe that they're suddenly going to be competent enough defensively to be a team that can compete in the division.
So when I look at this Nebraska team, I see a team that's probably going to be 4-4 if things go well. And I don't think 4-4 is good.
I think Nebraska fans are going to have a difficult time swallowing a 4-4 season as a successful season, but I honestly think that should be considered a successful season if I'm a Cornhusker fan in 2020. But what about the football gods aspect where they saved Big Ten football? So maybe they might get like one or two lucky breaks here or there.
I'm kind of a believer in that. I'm also thinking about Martinez, like, yeah, third year, but also

it felt like he was

always on the precipice

of being benched going back

the last two seasons. And then didn't they get

McCaffrey's little brother? Yeah, and it's also

Martinez, Adrian Martinez,

it's kind of like his seventh year because they had Taylor

Martinez beforehand.

So it's a lot of Martinez.

With Adrian Martinez, like, how long

is the leash? Are we going to get to see little

McCaffrey this year? Well, first

to be a little mccaffrey this year well first of all as far as like the saving big 10 football and the god stuff let's remember jesus saved all the sinners and he ended up nailed to a cross so that doesn't really get you a whole lot but as for like adrian martinez i think his job is pretty safe i can't say that he's like like 100% going to hold on to the job no matter what, but I'd say probably about 70% that he's going to be starting for the entire season. I can't rule out that he could lose the job at some point because you're right.
He does get a little turnover happy at times. He gets a little happy fee.
He just tries to make plays that aren't there sometimes instead of taking the play that is there and making the play but you would hope that as he enters his third season to starter that gets ironed out but there's a long list of quarterbacks who went into their third year starting that you thought could get that shit figured out and they never did so on the east uh i mean it's ohio state and everyone else that's the college football now has just become clemson Alabamaabama ohio state and everyone else lsu yeah not this year but like i'm sorry talking about it's actually lsu winning is is a testament that teams can every now and then pop up but like the true like we are a powerhouse year and year out no matter what that's basically those three schools so is there any way that penn state i know michigan probably can't but anyway i know indiana's got hype anyway anyone else can win the east besides ohio state yeah i mean it's possible because as we talked earlier like with the congested schedule without any bye weeks i mean things, things are going to be weird. We've already kind of seen it.
Like if you look around, like you mentioned LSU, I don't think anybody expected LSU to be competing for another national title this year, but I don't think anybody expected what we've seen so far. You look at Oklahoma, a team that's already lost two games within the first few weeks.
So I don't think you can overstate how strange this season is not just because of the schedule but also because of the lack of preparation for it without having spring practices without having traditional fall camps now the good news for Ohio State is that even after the Big Ten postponed the season originally and was thinking we wouldn't play at all or play in the spring they never closed practices they never closed camps they were still having the players coming in and working out and getting ready for the season just in case we got a scenario like this where they got the go green light to go ahead and play it all along so ohio state should be in better condition for the season than maybe lsu was and maybe oklahoma was but they do still have to play in the toughest division in the conference and penn state is still a good team michigan i don't think is going to be able to compete for the division title but I do think Michigan if you catch them on the right day can beat anybody in the conference now maybe not Ohio State but you get what I'm saying so I look at the situation and say yes it is possible that Ohio State will not win the Big Ten I do not think that's what's going to happen I think they're far and away the best. And they'd strike me as like the Clemson and Alabama, where we've seen in the ACC and SEC.
It's like we knew Clemson was the god tier team in the ACC and was miles better than everybody else. So that wasn't a surprise.
But you look at the SEC and it's like, oh, wow, Alabama is a lot better than everybody else in the SEC. And we typically think of the SEC as having competitive teams to go along at the top.
And I think're going to see a similar situation like that with Ohio State where on a weekly basis it's going to be clear that they are the best team in the conference by far and unless they screw up or Justin Fields gets hurt or they undergo a lot of injuries or COVID wreaks havoc on their roster they're going to win the conference right what what team do you think is the most poised to be like the the combo breaker for ohio state is it penn state are they are they far and away the second most likely yeah i just i look at the situation like talent wise and penn state and michigan are the only two teams really in the conference right now that have enough talent that you could consider being able to compete with them but what holds them back and the big difference is Ohio State has Justin Fields at quarterback Penn State's got Sean Clifford and nothing against Clifford but he's not Justin Fields he is not that kind of game-changing talent that you need at the quarterback position to win conferences these days to get to the college football playoff and to win a national title Alabama has that in Mac Jones I know most people didn't think that was the case before the year, but he's been great. Clemson, we obviously know, has that with Trevor Lawrence.
Ohio State has it with Justin Fields. So I think Penn State's a very talented team.
I think that they finally have a senior-laden veteran offensive line, which should be an improvement because that offensive line has been bad most of the time the last few years. I think they have good talent at receiver.
I think they have good talent at running back. I think they have good players on defense.
But when it comes down to it, there's such a huge gap between their quarterback and Ohio State's quarterback, it's hard to see them closing the gap. And I could say the same thing about Michigan, who is turning to Joe Milton at quarterback this year, who is a player I like and I think has a pretty high ceiling.
He's got a strong arm, needs to work on accuracy. So I know he's right up your guys' alley.
Whoa! I don't follow you. I'm going through the roster and that could be a shot at seven of our friends.
Yes. Who in specific were you talking about there, Tom? Listen, I'm talking specifically about Josh Allen, who I've come around on and joined you guys.
MVP candidate Josh Allen, except for one game? Yeah. Except for one game.
Yeah. But, I mean, Joe Milton has that kind of arm.
He's got a very strong arm. And it's going to be interesting to see how he fits in that offense because they really did kind of completely overhaul the receiver position this offseason where Roddy Bell is the only guy that's coming back that's done anything in that offense and then Nico Collins is gone Tariq Black transferred to Texas but they have a couple four-star kind of little shifty speedy guys at receiver coming in as freshmen this year who I think what Josh Gaddis their offensive coordinator tries to do and wanted to do last year but he didn't have the personnel for it so I think Michigan is better positioned to be functional on offense this year than it was last year but again it's hard for me to look at joe milton as a young kid making his first start you know this weekend compare him to justin fields and say oh yeah they could compete with ohio state so oh go ahead i was gonna say what about the biggest storyline out of that conference uh the return of the hack greg shiano coming back to rutgers uh i think he's got like an exactly 500 record as the head coach there but that makes him like far and away the best coach to ever be in that zip code so is the i think the overrunners one and a half games are you taking the over on that oh i'm i'm betting on them this weekend yeah i think they're going to win a game for sure i really do i don't know if they're going to able to get two.
But when you look around at that division, I mean, Michigan State, I think, is in line for a very rough season. So I do think that, like you said, Dan, I would take Rutgers this weekend.
I would sprinkle a little bit on the money line because I feel like if if they're going to win a game this year, this is one of the most winnable games on their schedule. And I do think that the Seattle hire in the long run is going to be good for Rutgers because I think that he brings just a level of competence to that program that has not been there since it joined the Big Ten.
And I think that that alone is going to help them improve. It's just they're like Indiana, Maryland, and Michigan State.
They're kind of stuck in that shitty position of having to be in the east where you have to deal with penn state michigan and ohio state every year so it's unrealistic to ever think that they're going to be competing for division titles on the reg but i do think that rutgers is a program that could at least stop being a giant embarrassment to big 10 fans who can't believe that they're in the conference to begin with that's a great great endorsement right there. And you forget that Greg Sciano has a lot of experience dealing with a pandemic and infectious diseases in his locker room, going back to the Mercedays in Cleveland.
So this is if you had to pick one person to kind of be a steward and guide your team through this crisis, I think you could do a lot worse than Greg. Greg Sciano is a great crisis director.
He's actually, I he's taking advantage of like the the evolving rules and basically got I think he overhauled the entire roster with transfers already so they're gonna be better and I Michigan State like Mel Tucker I don't know how he finagled that job I mean he was we know as the Bears defensive coordinator and then he went to Colorado and did I think he actually just got the job because he got like a decent recruiting class at Colorado. Michigan State was like, OK, maybe.
And he has that. He has that whole Nick Saban, Nick Saban, you know, shine on him after being a coach at Nick Saban staff at Alabama.
I do. I think Mel Tucker is going to be OK at Michigan State.
I don't know if he's going to win big. It's just I think that that situation is situation is so jacked up because like first of all he gets the job late because Mark D'Antonio just kind of you know retires out of nowhere so then he he gets the job leaving in February and then like a week later is when all the pandemic stuff really starts so everything gets shut down so he never even got a chance to really introduce himself to his players because they were all sent home right after he got there then Then there's no spring practice.
There's no summer camps. There's none of that stuff.
So he got a really late start. And I mean, looking at their quarterback situation, Mel Tucker is not releasing a depth chart.
So I have to assume Rocky Lombardi is going to be that team starting quarterback. And Rocky Lombardi is a guy we've seen get time, you know, just filling in, who in his career as Michigan State's quarterback has a completion percentage

under 50%, I think is averaging fewer than six yards per attempt,

and has more interceptions than touchdowns.

So it's hard to look at that and say, yeah,

the Michigan State office is going to be in a good position in 2020.

Well, and I always – I would love to get your take on this

because I struggle with college football returning production.

Like Michigan State's returning 12% of their returning production.

They sucked last year.

So is that good or bad?

Like Northwestern is returning 90% of their production.

They also sucked last year.

Is that good or bad?

Because like you sucked, but you're bringing all your players back.

But do they still suck?

Or you sucked, you lost all your players, maybe the new players are good.

How do you figure that out?

It's a glass half full, glass half empty kind of situation.

It could go either way.

For me, I always look at more than anything, it's more important to me,

I would rather have 90% of my offensive line back and my quarterback.

I don't really care about wide receivers and running backs because we've seen throughout the years that those guys are more replaceable. But I would rather have the veteran QB unless he really sucks.
But if he doesn't suck and he's just average or better, I would rather have the returning QB and a returning offensive line and a defensive line than anything else. So those are the areas that I tend to focus on when trying to figure out, okay, is this team going to improve this year or is it probably going to take a step back? I want to talk fullbacks real quick.
The low man trophy, you're on the committee. You're one of the inaugural committee members and you've always kind of been at the bleeding edge of nominating players.
I think you've mentioned a couple of the guys that ended up being finalists every year that we've done the award. So right now my entire watch list just from just from my eyeballs, consists of Army's entire roster and then the fullback from BYU, Mason Wake.
So those are the two guys that have jumped out to me. Do you have any other suggestions? People we should keep our eyes on.
Well, I mean, Mason Stocky, I think, from Wisconsin is an obvious choice because they're still one of the few programs that's using a fullback. But I also feel like maybe this is cheating.
Dan, I want to get your ruling on this because Garrett Kroshek is supposed to is like the number one running back on Wisconsin's depth chart. As far as I know, isn't he really more of a fullback playing running back? Yeah, there's a and it's going to be a committee this year.
So I think you're going to get like there's definitely going to be some hard decisions for the low man trophy. Like what's what does he really classify as? I agree.
Also, there's like three or four guys that are, you know, we have a freshman. What's his name? Bagley.
Is that his name? Yeah. Like, yeah, he might play like so it's going to be you're right.
It's going to be a very, very hard year for the committee. Well, I don't like to put people in buckets right off the bat,

but to be fair, every Wisconsin fullback has already won the low-man trophy.

Just the position of fullback at Wisconsin was the winner last year.

But it's very hard.

There's a line where it starts all the way back with Bernstein,

where it's like, is he a fullback?

That's back all the way to 2003, 2004.

Is he a fullback?

I mean, Ron Dane, is he a fullback or a running back? He's a running back, but he's got a fullback's body. So, who knows? I think if you're classified as the Thunder in a Thunder and Lightning backfield, like TJ Duckett when he was teamed up with Warwick Dunn, that qualifies you as a fullback.
Yeah, PJ, remember PJ Hill? He was fucking fat. I thought he was going to be a Heisman Trophy winner.
That was stupid.

John Clay, he was fat.

I could go down the list.

John Clay was fat.

He was.

And you know what?

If Brett Bielma had run John Clay in the Rose Bowl, they probably would have beaten TCU.

All right.

So I had one last question.

It is the cross-country mortgage question.

Final question brought to you by Cross Country Mortgage, America's crazy good mortgage company.

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Can you give us a lock for the weekend? And also, Hank, did you have a question? I'm going to give you a question time. Hank.
I have a few takes on the Big Ten this year. No school in the West is going to escape the regular season with fewer than three losses.
In Indiana, you guys didn't really talk about them too much, but they should be a dark horse. If the Hoosiers were 8-1 against everyone else and 3-0 in three games against the Big Ten West teams, their only loss is coming against Ohio State, Michigan, and Penn State.
They would be a 20-20 dark horse if they weren't in the Big Ten West. That's not really more of a question as much as just kind of my take on the Big Ten.
Not that you really asked. It's a very astute take because you're right.
Indiana's problem, Hank, it's one more of geography than actual skill in football. I believe that's on the page you're reading from, too.
You and Hank's blog also. Oh, yeah.
Who i mean i literally i subscribe to it i get notifications anytime there's a new post because i cover college football for a living so i have to follow the college football king so i know what to say but yeah my as for my lock of the week uh it's you know there's a northwestern game this weekend and you know like you have your hoodie that you wear when once turn into winter, the leaves start to fall, the wet, the wind gets a little crisper. The breeze gets a little cooler and you just like to slip into it.
Cause it's warm and comfortable. So I'm slipping into the warm and comfortable feel of a Northwestern under against Maryland this weekend, because the total is at like five or 54 and a half, depending on where you look.
And Northwestern scored 12 points per game in the conference last year.

Maryland scored 16 points per game in the conference last year.

And I'm not a math whiz, but 16 plus 12 does not equal 55.

So, yeah, I'm on the under there.

That's my Big Ten lock of the week.

We don't like talking about unders that much, but the way that you set it up,

like it's a snuggie, something that you can slip into nice and warm,

that makes it a little more palatable for me to bet on that. So thank you for laying that mattress down for us.
Happy to help. And we're going to, hopefully, I have to double check on this, but the plan is to have a bet every Saturday that's called the Moens for Beth Moens, and it's the total punts in the Big Ten on a Saturday.
Oh, hell yeah, that oh yeah that sounds amazing yeah i mean that game should give us like 12 punts easily yeah is that going to be at the barstool sportsbook yes yes well okay so i'm going to need i'm going to need you guys to open a location in illinois really quickly so i could bet that every week hammer the moans so if there's a black punt would that count i think so i think that counts as a punt right in this in the box score. I'm pretty sure.
I think it's a punt. That sounds like a fun bet to do.
Yeah, I think a punt fake wouldn't count. Right.
But, yeah. Yeah.
What if a punt sails over? Anything to bring greater punt awareness to the country. What if the snap sails over, like, hypoth the Michigan punter's head and then it's retrieved for a touchdown

by Michigan State? That's just a

hilarious thing we can all laugh at.

I think that actually

counts as a fumble

and then it counts as a

team rushing loss of yards. So no matter

who recovers it, like in the box score it'll say

team rush attempt one

yards negative 29. Well and you forgot

the most important part, it also counts

against Jim Harbaugh's record against his rivals when you're making a point that he should be fired, which I don't think he should be. But that does count very much towards that.
Tom, do you have any intel on what kind of mask we're expecting out of Jim Harbaugh on the side? Is it going to be a khaki mask? Is he just going to cut the back pocket out of one of those things and use a rubber band to tie it around his face? I would bet that it's Jumpman branded. I like that.
I'd like to see something a little less swaggy at old Jim, though. Yes.
Maybe it can be Jumpman branded, but the brand is it's just got the outline of a tin of skull right over his mouth. It's got a list of every player on the team's GPA etched onto it so you know who the real winners are in the Big Ten.
Yes, in the year that they were an inch away from going to the college football playoff. Just reminding everyone that.
All right, Tom, thank you as always. CBS Sports, check him out.
He is very sharp, so if you are gambling, he's got great information all the time uh and thanks for joining us and happy the big 10 is back thank god thanks for having me guys tom fornelli was brought to you by we're gonna get right back to the show shop in store at adidas and find the latest trends and iconic fits for spring from legendary superstar and samba kicks that go with any outfit to the newest workout gear shoes and apparel find your nearest adidas store and shop it all today all right back to part of my take and now here is mr portnoy mr portnoy our lawyer i'm here can you hear us i do all right mroy, it's great to see you. You know, I want to tell you guys something.
Wait. Hold on.
Hold on. Let's.
Okay. Okay.
We're recording now. It's Mr.
Portnoy, our lawyer. He's getting right into it.
Go. I want to tell you two something.
I still have people come up to me and say how much they love me with you guys on pod, my take. So that's a compliment to you two more than me, but it's a little compliment.
Yeah, I like how you started with that. The big compliment to us was everyone coming up to you and saying that they love you.
Yes. You sure you're a poor boy? It's good to have you back.
It's good to have you back. It's been too long.
The last time we were going to do this, about a month and a half ago you uh left me high and dry you canceled at the last minute i came back yeah i can't remember what that was but we thought uh with jeffrey tube man uh in the news the legal analyst for cnn for jerking off on zoom we thought let's get our legal analyst who would never masturbate obviously yeah that's obviously old news because we got rudy taking his place today yeah yeah hand down that happened that did happen so what as a legal as a lawyer what would you say jeffrey toobin's uh legal out here is do you have like a a take as a lawyer lawyer to lawyer uh as we would say, what the fuck? Yeah, okay. That's fair.
You know, the best thing that happened to him was Rudy. Absolutely.
Yeah. Because now he looks like an amateur compared to Rudy.
Yeah, that's true. That is true.
It kind of buried that for him. Is it illegal to accidentally jack off on a conference call with your coworkers? I haven't done it.
Okay. That wasn't the question.
Way to dodge it. Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
I think it's disrespectful. I don't know if it's illegal to be disrespectful.
Hey, you know something? And I'm in this world world i'm very today's world i'm very uh i'm not surprised at anything pretty much anymore but i gotta say that kind of took me aback as they say yes yes because um yes you would think you would think he could i mean it's so ridiculous you could think he could have controlled himself a little longer. Right.
You know, you got to be careful. Everything you say about this has a double meaning.
Okay. You got to be very careful.
From a legal standpoint, if he's getting paid to be a legal analyst for somebody, isn't that kind of attorney-client confidentiality? They can't say that they saw his dick because he works for them

good point uh you always come up with the best questions they're ridiculous questions but they're very good questions uh i never even gave that any thought it might be an interesting argument you get the right judge i yeah i want to ask you a question which do you think is more disrespectful what he did than what

John Wall did.

I think that jerking off in your co-worker's face is far more disrespectful than playing a game of cards when you're being asked about the Dallas Cowboys on, like, NFL Live at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I don't know.
That's just me. That's just me.
I don't know that I agree with that. Okay.
Because I think that when he – no, I don't think I do it because what John Wall did, he was saying to the two guys that were doing the interview, I'm going to fuck up with you guys, and I can do what I want. I'm a big operator, and you two little guys.
Can I ask you – can I, can I ask a followup for the John wall?

What?

Yeah.

He was just playing cards.

Who cares?

That's district.

Yeah,

no,

I'm sorry.

That's the,

he was paying,

he was playing cards and he was half paying attention.

These two guys are probably making a hundred bucks a day,

but the other guy,

but the other guy was masturbating in front of his colleague's face, but he was the only one at that time that knew he was doing it. Right? At least he was showing some passion.
The John Wall thing, it's out in the open. I mean, I think that's a big part of it.
I mean, if you do it in someone's face, that's a little different. But that's not my understanding.
I agree with you. Right.
If he didn't know.

I want to be clear on this.

Yes, I agree.

I want to be clear on this.

I know what you're saying.

If what's the name was doing it in front of everybody, I would think that's beyond disrespect.

It's a question of news.

I don't think they knew what was going on.

Yes.

If he knew, then that's a crime. If he didn't, then it's like, you're an idiot.
You're a weirdo. That's gross negligence.
But at least you can be like, well, you didn't fully know. You're right.
It's a crime. You're exposing yourself in public.
That is, in fact, a crime. Yes.
Yes. But they didn't know, right? They didn't know.
I don't think that they – well, they knew because they saw.

I don't think he knew that he was still on.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hold on there.

You think that the other people who are in that Zoom call knew that he was doing it?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's why –

At the time?

No, no, no, no.

They saw it.

They came back from like a break and the camera was on his dick and then – After the fact they saw – wait a minute after the fact they saw it what do you mean after the fact they saw like after he saw with like tissues in his hand what are you talking about they saw what's that there was a penis on the screen that they saw during the zoom call and then he shut his computer because he was embarrassed that they saw his dick which leads me to believe that maybe he wasn't trying to show them so it's like it's like we're prosecuting manslaughter versus murder it's about intent john wall intentionally was playing cards while field yates was trying to ask him but i think we did i i didn't listen let's be clear i'm not saying john well or john wall did anything illegal i said it was highly disrespectful which is not is not a crime. You could disrespect me.
I get disrespected on Bastille all the time, but it's not a crime. But I want to be clear on this.
Maybe I, as we say, I misunderstood what happened with the other guy. They didn't realize this while he was doing it, right? It was after the fact.
I'm still not sure what you mean by after the fact. Yeah, I think.
Like, they saw him. That the Zoom call was, somebody didn't say during the Zoom call, hey, wait a minute.
Oh, they watched the fact after? No, they saw him on the camera, and then he shut his computer off, and then they all kind of looked at each other, and they're like, did you guys just see that? Yeah, we all saw it. And then he came back later, and then he got suspended because everybody saw it and reported him.
I mean, look, we're on a Zoom call right now. If I was doing something similar to that, I would.
Mentally. Let's see your crotch.
We won't say anything about you jerking off right now until after this. Wait a minute.
There were my hands. Too handsome.
You got a flashlight. You know, I'm old.
I couldn't hold them up the whole time. You got a real doll.
Yeah. I got it.
Keep it up, right? Again. Going on.
If while it was while they were having a conversation somebody noticed it and the conversation continues this this is fantastic conversation because i don't think any of us all three of us and i actually count everyone else in the room right now we have four other people in the room none of us actually know this story don't think any of us read an article about it, which makes it even funnier that we're discussing it. So I'm going to table this because I got something more important I want to discuss with you, Mr.
Portnoy. Okay.
Are you – so I saw a clip of you being interviewed on the street for – Yes. Yes, in the news.
So that was the local news. You were – he was, Mr.
Portnoy was just walking, randomly walking. Were you stunned? Were you stunned when you saw me? I was stunned.
I was stunned. But it has come to light recently that you might actually be addicted to being on the news.
And you are now going out every day trying to find the news. I don't know who said well hold on said that i'm gonna take a wild guess hold on hold on i texted you this uh yesterday i said can you come on and you said yes i have to go to a riot from 12 to 2 which makes me i was surprised you didn't comment on that well i know that you know i said that, but you would at least made a little comment about that.
You made it said, made it sound like I was going to the store to get it. They get a, a sub or something.
I didn't even comment. I had no idea what you were talking about.
And then since that moment, I has come to light that you are going out every single day, essentially trying to find where news is happening so that you can be asked questions on TV. They do on 60 Minutes? No, this is what Jake Gyllenhaal does in Nightcrawler.
That's my job. You're the night lawyer.
You're going out just trying to be. I work for the.
You've got a scanner. You're showing up at Crime School News Network.
So confirm or deny, are you now addicted to being local resident number five that gets asked about whatever the happenings are around your neighborhood? I could deny it, but I'm not gonna. Practice with me.
Say, I don't know, he kept to himself mostly. Yeah.
What's that? Repeat after me. I don't know, he kept to himself mostly.
He was a nice guy. He took out took out his trash played with his kids i didn't think he was gonna murder all these people this is this is exactly what you have to be prepared oh you're talking about me yeah no you need to get ready for this when you be when you get asked about like the serial killer down the block you'd be like oh yeah you know i saw him at the grocery store every now and then he seemed nice enough no i thought you were talking about me being a serial killer.
No, we know you don't have the upper body strength. Listen, I'll just give you a little background on this.
Because I guarantee you that what you've got from Bastl, someone at Bastl, slants the story tremendously. I don't want to name any names, but it's David Portnoy.
Okay. And I'll tell you, when I walk, and I walk virtually every day, I walk a couple of miles, I go by the governor's house.
And that story broke about the fact, and I've gotten to know some of the state police and the local police in the area because they're out in front of the house. And you talk to them all the time.
I knew in advance before that story broke in the globe that there had been some issue at his residence. He lives right – it's amazing.
He's got a beautiful home, but he's right – you can get onto his front front stairs from the street in approximately five seconds. Sounds like you've timed that out.
Sounds like you know exactly how quickly you can get there. Do you want to admit that? Under perfect conditions, no rain, no wind.
And the cops always talk. I've read enough crime novels, Mr.
Porter, where the cops always look at the person that shows up to the scene of the crime. Yeah, you're the arsonist watching the house burn out.
You're a looky-looter. That's how they caught the guy in Atlanta.
I become the number one suspect of anything else. Yes, yes.
All right, so wait. So, but now walk me through.
So now you got on the news once. Now you're addicted to it.
So how does one go? What did you do today? What did you do today? Walk us through your day. There's a riot that takes place about five minutes from where I live every Thursday.
Like a pickup game? Wait a minute. It's the Trumpsters versus the Black Lives Matter people.
There's tons of police there. There's barricades.
I'm sorry. That I find very interesting.
In that crowd, let me tell tell you something In that crowd, I don't say beef And I'll tell you why Because we're headed with this thing There's a few more Thursdays left before the election That's going to turn into a full-fledged riot I don't want to be part of that But you show up every day There's a lot of yelling and screaming What? You don't want to be a part of it But you show up every day. There's a lot of yelling and screaming.
What? You don't want to be a part of it, but you show up every Thursday like clockwork. Because I find it interesting.
And I want to tell you, right so far, there's only been photographers there. I'm not interested in that.
I wait until the trucks come with the newscasts. Then I go.
You get as close to the news trucks as you can. We need to get you like a deer hunting optical orange vest to wear to these things.
I'd like something that I could put on my hat that said Boston News Network. I might be able to get a lot further into the stories and help you guys.
But I don't have that. All right.
Well, be safe when you go out to these scheduled riots that you have in your Outlook calendar.

I had a question for you about one of our most recent guests, Matthew McConaughey.

We had him on Wednesday.

So he wrote-

Yeah, I saw him interviewed elsewhere.

No offense.

Okay.

Thank you.

Appreciate that.

What the hell was that?

Unprovoked shot.

I saw him interviewed.

I forget where I saw on- Literally everywhere. It might have been with colby yeah he did he did every show uh but you also saw him on part of my take right no sorry okay thank you this is our legal analyst christ uh so hey before i forget wait a minute the only reason i was very anxious to do this because i'm and i this, sent this to someone at Boston, no names of my son, and he hasn't answered me.
I have my cowboy hat ready for the election. And I expect to be invited because I was so humiliated in 2016.
I was sure it wasn't going to end the way it ended. And I barely could walk when it was over.
I was so stunned. This time, I got to get another shot at this.
Okay. Okay.
We'll run that up the flagpole. But can I ask a question about Matthew McConaughey? You can ask it.
I don't know if I can answer it. All right.
So he wrote a memoir. That's why I know that.
Okay. Good start.
Because you the other program i'm watching the other program i know i know he wrote i know he wrote a memoir okay so a memoir uh some are speculating that some of his stories are like too perfectly mcconaughey not me i i believe it 100 because i don't know maybe i'm under a spell what do you mean by that like you mean by that he's got some great stories in there about like taking peyote with a mountain lion and just like petting a mountain lion for three hours while he's high down in the deserts of Mexico. But like stuff that they're awesome stories and you want to believe them.
Like his dad died having sex with his mom after predicting for 50 years. That's the way he was going to go out.
If you were to lie in your own memoir, could you be then sued for libel? I think so, sure. By yourself? Well, I mean, are you saying to me that if you said something that involves someone else in that memoir that somehow was constituteduted a defamation that other person you can't sue yourself the last time i checked but you're talking about suing someone else right let's excuse me excuse me someone else suing him how about this right here's a hypothetical situation mr portnoy by the way he didn't talk about anything like you just mentioned on the other show that i watched him on well you should have listened to part of my take because it was a way better interview from, from what it sounds like.
By the way, he didn't talk about anything you just mentioned on the other show that I watched him on. Well, you should have

listened to part of my take because it was a way better

interview from what it sounds like.

Let's not... I'll be

the judge of that. No, you won't because you

won't listen to our show. If you were to

write a memoir... I'm sure I could get to see it if I

wanted to, right? You must have

tapes of some sort. Yes, we have tapes.

We'll send you the tapes.

Okay, I feel like this is a dead end. You would be an excellent witness yeah let me let me ask you this mr porten let's finish with this do you have a complaint right now that you could give us uh general or specific that's going on in your life well i had one until you uh the last time we were going to go on and you you left you stood stood me up.
So that's the complaint has been resolved. Okay.
What's that?

So the complaint is I stood you up. No, no, no.
I had a good one,

but it's, I'll tell you what it was. It's been resolved.

It was with a little outfit called the IRS.

I was waiting for a refund on my taxes, and it was crazy.

They had a site that you could go on, and, you know, I'm talking about it was months that I knew I was getting this refund,

and it would go on the IRS site.

It would say, we're working on it. Words to that effect.
Months go by. We're working on it.
And the thing that really irritated me about it was that there was no alternative. There was no 800 number to call that would give you any kind of information.
It was unbelievable. It was like they were operating in a foreign country.
Don't call us, we'll call you. And finally, after a ridiculous amount of time, I did get the refund.
And on top of that, because you folks are a much higher tax bracket than I am, But poor little 73-year-old guy like me, I was waiting for that stimulus check.

I'm not talking about the refund is one stimulus check is something else. I never got that.
And I never got that. I finally found out because lucky me, in one tax year, I had a little extra income.
So it put me up into another spot, I guess. And if you looked at the stimulus rules, they were going to take the year 2018 or 2019 to look at that one.
Well, don't you think I had done the 2018, also done the 2019, but that for some reason they decided, oh, forget the 2019, which is what I would have preferred for my own benefit. They just arbitrarily decided, well, look at 2018, screw you.
No explanation and nothing. They just decided, hey, we do what we want.
All right. That's what that was.
So the second part, I understand, because that seems like they just made up what year they're going to go the first part your complaint is essentially the irs said we're working on it and they did work on it and they fixed it or they sent you the check so your complaint is essentially you wanted a number or an email or a person to fill your day harassing and they would not provide provide that to you. Yes.
Yes, I wouldn't harass them. Just, you know, it's a two-way street.
When you don't pay them, do you think they harass you? Yeah, true. Yeah, true.
You want to harass them, right? So why shouldn't it be both? And believe me, I didn't get to the point of thinking I am harassing them until we were into this for a few months. I mean, I don't know when inquiries turn into harassment.
I don't know what point you reach. But this, at my mind, I was very close to being in a harassing situation.
Very close. Do you have any tips for our listeners if they're calling into somebody like a corporation that might owe them money or owe them some sort of service or customer service how to skip the phone menu the dreaded phone menu that makes you do like six or seven different buttons before you can talk to a person you know something it you find out very quickly that you are on uh a merry-go-round i can't think of a better word no matter what number you, you're going to end up in the same place.
And the place you're going to end up is check our website for the latest information. That's where you always end up.
Always. I never got to speak to a human being.
Never. And I'm talking about this as months.
Never got to speak to a human being. Do you trust the...
Even an IRS person, if you want to classify that as a human being. But I didn't get to speak to an IRS person and or a human being.
Do you trust the option on a customer service line where you can say, I'll elect to have them call me back when it's my turn? Do you believe that they actually call you back? Or are you just the kind of guy that's like, I'm going to wait here. I got nothing else to do.
I know what you're talking about. We'll call you back.
Give us a time and we'll call you back. When I tell you, that is not an option available to the customer, the taxpayer.
They don't offer that. We'll call you back at a certain time.
That's not available. The only thing that's available is to call one of these other phone numbers and you're a sucker because you think it's going to advance your whole situation.
And ultimately, after about an hour, you end up at the same place where check our site, check the IRS site to see the status of your refund. Remember, this is a refund.
This is money they owed me. Right.
Right. You have a right to it.
You should sue the IRS. People have sued the IRS.
Yeah, turn the tables on them. Yes.
All right. Is that it? Do you have anything else? Everything else seems to be going well.
I mean, you've got a new hobby. Are you going to help? Getting on the news.
You know? You've got your weekly riot that you attend. You're our Karen.
you're the official barbecue Becky of the show for someone that's retired I'm pretty busy doing nothing you got a lot of stuff going on yeah listen I can't rely on my son I want to be on an election Okay, I don't know the plans for it. I probably will not be on it.
But I will try to get you on it. I know you've got some influence there, and I know your partner has a little too.
Yeah, we'll get you on it. Mr.
Portnoy, you as an older man, I almost said elderly. I did not.
Older man, gentleman. When you tuck in your pants, I'd imagine you have to lie down, right? You're just exhausted.
I think I nailed that one. Yeah.
Do you go belly down? Yeah, I mean. And then you go face down on the mattress and then one hand down the back? Yeah.
You know, I'm going to have to give it some thought. I don't think I do it the same way every single time.
Yeah, variety. I don't know.
Okay. All right.
Well, to wrap things up, I think jacking off on a Zoom call at work. Bad.

Moderately bad.

Playing spades during an interview with Field Yates.

Death penalty.

Death penalty, yes.

It's disrespect.

That is the definition in my mind of disrespect.

Okay.

Is it illegal?

No.

Is it illegal?

No.

And I think that it sounds like what Toobin did, unless people saw it as it was happening.

Good job. Is it illegal? No.
And I think that it sounds like what Toobin did, unless people saw it as it was happening. Which we still don't know.
They did not see the ejaculation. Yes.
All right. Mr.
Portnoy, thank you as always. I will get you on that show.
OK, I will make sure you're part of that show. I hate to beg, but I want to know you're not begging.
It's a guarantee. It's a guarantee that I will make sure whatever is planned for election night out of Barstool, you will be a part of it.
Knowing you folks, if there's a football game, you don't want to go the whole thing. Yeah, there's football the next night.
There's matches the next night. Look, are you guys going to watch that debate, or you don't even know what's up? It will maybe be on, but it's going to be football, most part, tonight.
Yeah, well, that's a big game. Yeah.
Philadelphia against the Washington football team. That's a big game.
It's the Giants. The Giants.
They're just close enough. Is it the Giants and the Washington football team? They're on the same team.
Nope. Giants and the Eagles.
Big game. Big game.
You've been looking forward to it all week. What's that? I said you've been looking forward to it all week what's that i said you've been looking forward to it all week you on the third try you got the oh yeah you guys don't understand i i'll let you go in a second you don't understand like today with the debate and this is like for me this is like the uh uh you know the championship weekends in the NFL.
Yeah.

You're pumped up.

You've got to make sure that you're ready to go.

Nine o'clock.

It's very late.

I'll try to fit in the Eagles game, but then I'll fall asleep immediately.

So I'm going to watch the other thing.

All right, Mr. Portnoy, thank you as always.

Enjoy the debates tonight.

We love having you on, and we appreciate it.

And good luck with the uh

trying to get on the news i'm gonna keep trying i love you guys i love you oh wow thank you

appreciate that love you too i don't watch you anymore but i love you

mr portnoy was brought to you by we're gonna get right back to the show

join me dr panico with cindy laupper and chef mich Chef Michelle Bernstein to talk about plaque psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis, the potential connection and risk of developing permanent joint damage. Cosintix Secukinumab is prescribed for adults with moderate to severe plaque psoriasis 300 milligram dose and adults with active psoriatic arthritis 150 milligram dose.
Don't use if you're allergic to Cosintix. before starting, get checked.
Transcription by CastingWords All right, back to part of my take. All right, the game ended.
The Eagles won. What a thrilling...
If you started this show, you said, Oh, man, do these guys even know that the Giants didn't win? Well, you're here. We've landed at the end of the show.
Firefest of the week. And the Eagles have won the game.
Daniel Jones just fumbled. The most predictable ending ever with the Daniel Jones fumble.

Called it.

Hank called it.

Great call, Hank.

Thank you.

We also both won, Hank, because I had to finish a parlay money line,

and you had Giants to cover.

Almost took a money line.

Would have been not feeling too good about myself.

Shake it.

Shake it.

We've had a long week, Hank.

We sure have.

We've really had a long week.

PTO Barnum has had a long week. And dude, we have.
P&'re here so good job all right firefest of the week hit it Hank I like your hat by the way PFT positive vibes only that's that's what I'm trying to feel like a little bit of like a you have like a new age stormtroopers thing going I don't like I don't like that no it's a good like that's a compliment the Star Wars yes yeah they were the good guys right they were just following orders we don't watch that nerd shit so who cares no i what it's dork shit it's dork shit yeah it would be dork shit if we tried to like it yeah baby yoda is dork shit no baby i meant that as a compliment i want it on the record i think that's a cool look thank you uh one last reminder rough aroundy Rough aroundy tonight. Yes.
Play bar slap. I'll be singing the anthem.
Big hell be singing the anthem. 10 for 10.
Win $25,000. My Firefest of the week is Ria, my girlfriend, is having a little family Halloween shindig this weekend at her house on Long Island, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be yet.
Still. On Long Island.
On Long Island. Yeah.
What do you mean you don't know what you're supposed to be yet? I need to get a costume. It's like a Halloween party.
You should be Joe Exotic. There'll be nine Joe Exotics there.
Yeah. No, you should be Doc Antle.
No, no, be the husband on a chain. He got busted the other day.
Yeah, he's problematic. That guy? Yeah.
No chance he did anything wrong. Turns out Doc Anil got in trouble for having a bunch of wildlife that he's not supposed to have.
Yeah. No, the wives are fine.
Okay. So they came in, they're like, you can't have those lions, but the 10 wives that are all kind of borderline kidnapped? Yeah.
You need to make sure that the locks were regulation on the wives, not on the animals. Got it.
Got it. So he's done? Who knows.
So we need to figure out what a good Halloween costume is for you, Hank? That's pretty much the theme of this show today on Friday. Yeah.
Eh, who knows? You should go as Marv from Home Alone. Ooh.
I'd have to shave my... I did that for Brit Week once.
No, you don't do anything. What? You just woke up? No, I was.
We were doing... Rude.
All right. Any other suggestions? Let me see your face.
Ooh. Hmm.
What about... What is that guy's name? That one guy? The one guy that he looks like.
Oh, the guy from Thomas Middleditch, right? Yeah, you should do Thomas Middleditch. You should be Thomas Middle Bitch and just complain the whole night.
Oh, you're Thomas Little Bitch. Yeah, and just be like, my tummy hurts.
Oh, no one's participating in my stool strength. Commissioner Hank.
By the way, I'm making clown t-shirts of Commissioner Hank. Thomas Little Bitch is a good...
That would actually be a good costume, would it not? Yeah. Just be a little bitch all the time.
I don't know how many people have seen Silicon Valley,

but I can just say that.

You could just do it.

You know what you do?

Be Thomas Little Bitch and don't go to the party

and be like, I'm being a little bitch.

Or just show up and be like, you know what?

Just soda for me.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah.

All right.

I think we've given you enough to work with here.

Yeah.

Thanks, guys.

Always.

As always.

Yeah.

No doubt.

You should be someone who takes COVID very seriously and just wear a shitload of masks. Ooh.
Then you don't have to talk to anyone. What's the plan here? Are we trying to, like, be friendly to people? Yeah.
I'm just going to get shit-faced. Oh, okay.
In a costume. Be the drunk guy.
Yeah. Be the drunk guy who takes COVID very seriously.
Or here's what you do. You just rub a bunch of poop all over your face,

and then they'll be like, wait, are you Gaz?

And you'll be like, no.

You'll be like, I'm shit-faced.

Yeah.

That'll be fun.

And then you'll get to explain that like 40 years from now when you're running for president.

All right.

All right.

We're done.

That'll be good.

Okay.

Let's get to the picks.

I think Hank could be president.

You could be one day. I mean, you're kind of doing it with the stool streams thing puppet master I was saying to Billy Billy was like I don't know what to do with my life I was like get into politics be president Billy could definitely be a politician yes absolutely just stare straight ahead and he would definitely be taken down by like some prostitution ring what the fuck what you're horny no horny.
No, I'm not. You're horny at all.

Someone on stream said they're going to get Billy a mail order abroad and I was like,

you definitely should.

Yeah.

I was like, I want to.

No, no, no, no, no.

I was playing video games and the chat was going, Billy, you need a girlfriend.

I was like, I'm a strong independent boy.

Man.

I'm a man.

Yeah.

You would make Lincoln Chafee's frog scandal look like tiddlywinks.

Yeah.

I'm just spending time with myself. I'm rediscovering myself right now.
Playing video games. Right.
Oh, is that what you were doing last night? No, that was too nice. Not studying.
Okay. Okay.
My fire fest is my elevator's broken again in my building. Shit.
So Leroy had to hold it for about 16 hours overnight until today. I got to figure out some sort of ramp or pulley system

to lower Leroy down on mornings like this

because I go to the elevator.

I press it.

He's on his leash already,

and the elevator doesn't come,

and there's no worse walk of shame or sadder walk

than just looking at Leroy being like,

okay, buddy, we got to walk back inside our apartment

because you can't go outside and poop.

He looks at me like, but this is when I shit,

and he's right.

That is usually when he shits,

but he held it for an extra like six hours or seven hours.

I think it's he's right. That is usually when he shits, but he held it for an extra like six hours or seven hours.
I got to figure out a way to make Leroy get downstairs. Five flights of narrow stairs.
Hit the gym, bro. Have a make get a litter box.
Stop lifting. I did stop.
Started again. I restarted just for this such an occasion.
Nice. I don't know.

Maybe if I get a long enough piece of plywood,

I can just lay it down on every flight of stairs and have him walk down or slide down the flights of stairs.

Yes.

Or maybe just put a trampoline outside and toss him out the window.

Yes, that works too.

One of the two.

All those things.

I don't know.

Any unconventional suggestions are appreciated.

Okay.

What's up, Billy?

Can't carry him? No. He doesn't lift.
He stopped lifting. The staircase is too narrow.
He actually doesn't fit down the stairs. Walk sideways.
No, it's too narrow. I'm telling you, it's a narrow staircase.
I tried to do it one time. Him and I will not fit down the stairs together.
Sus. It won't happen.
I don't know what that means. All right, my Fyre Fest is...
He's also 160 pounds big ass boy easy to squat my fire fest is uh i the big ten is back i am all in on graham mertz and in conjunction with thinking that wisconsin is going to win the big ten west and maybe even the big ten and maybe go to the college football playoff i made a prediction today that totally won't blow up in my face and that is that the Chicago Bears can win the NFC North they can and I'm actually believe all these things that I have just said I've been saying to you that they they haven't no you don't say it though no I don't like how you say Super Bowl I don't like Tampa I don't like how you say can you imagine going to Tampa margaritas are we I don't think... Is anyone going to the Super Bowl?

Like, we're not going to the Super Bowl, right?

I think some people will go to the Super Bowl.

You can't keep people away from the Super Bowl, Big Cat.

I don't think media is going to the Super Bowl.

Are we media?

Yeah.

What are they going to do?

Ban us harder from media day?

No, I think... Wait, wait, wait.

It's a great point.

No, like, I don't...

Wait, they don't know my face.

That's true.

They...

I don't...

I don't think, like, Super Bowl is happening.

The way it usually does. It's definitely not going to be the same in terms of, like, people down there for interviews.
Yeah, I don't think it's going to, like, happen. That sort of thing.
I had that realization earlier today. I was like, are we doing the Super Bowl? Why don't we set up, like, a giant tent down there that has those dividing things in it so people can come in.
We'll have our own media day. Let's go there two weeks before and we'll quarantine all the media together.
We'll pay for like that. And then we can all jerk each other off.
We'll play like a Vince Young Southwest flight. The charter one out of New York.
Bring all the big wigs down there. Yeah, I don't know.
We'll see. Jake, why don't you have, your Fyre Fest, and then we'll finish with Billy, and then we'll pick some balls, and then we'll be on our way.
So I city bike into work every day. Good for you, Cake.
Thanks. And I was in mid-ride, and the seat just plopped down to the bottom level.
Yeah, it happens. It happens sometimes.
You got to check before you get on. It was tight.
Yeah. I guess the screw was just loose.
Uh-huh. Could have been that.
Yeah, cake. Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Me and Billy. Billy, please come back 40 minutes later.
I've been nice to you lately. Have you? What? Have you been nice to you lately? You act like that's a hard thing to do.
Yeah, it's like I haven't fucking wedged you in like three weeks, bro. All right, Billy, finish us off, then we'll do some numbers.
I'm in midterms. I haven't really slept that much.
So sorry if my jokes are bad. That's your fire fest.
That's my fire fest. Having midterms.
Okay. How many classes are you taking? I wrote 2,000 words in eight hours yesterday.
That's not that high of a rate. I'm trying to think back to words per minute.
What? How many pages is 2,000 words? I don't know. I just wrote a 2,000 word essay over eight hours.
About what? With breaks. About what? It was complicated.
I don't even know what I wrote about. What was it about? What's the class? It was about cost-benefit analysis.
Very confusing. Buying a hedgehog.

My hedgehog's 9-1.

Pick the Giants.

I was like, pick the Giants to cover.

I was like, what are you doing, dude?

And he was like, trust me.

Here's a cost-benefit. You should have done a whole cost-benefit analysis on-

Of that hedgehog?

No, on every single night when you decide to play video games until 4 a.m.

instead of doing your homework.

I do my homework.

That's a cost-benefit analysis.

Twitch stream,

get paid.

Homework, you pay to do.

And there

is Billy's cost-benefit analysis.

You'd be making more money doing that.

Doing homework.

It's shitty.

I need to get my degree for when I run for president.

How many words are you doing with block quotes? Because that's a really easy way to pad your stats. Good point.
13 point font. 13 point font.
Block quotes. Indentation.
Make the margins a little wider. Space between the paragraphs.
Use the word therefore every sentence. Yep.
These are very good ideas. Also, accidentally make therefore two words and be like, oh, I didn't know it wasn't two words.
Here to for therefore. Yeah.
Break your printer. Put the writing in white and then write it so they can't see it, but it ups your word count.
Oh, that's a good one. Oh.
Yeah. That's next level.
Nice. All right.
Hit the button. Let's do this.
Everyone guess. 18.
28. 8.
69. Sticking with 8.
28. 8's going to hit at one point.
I'm going to look like a genius. 28.
I have 21. So platypuses aren't actually the only mammal to lay eggs.
There's also echinocos. Why are you looking at me when I say that?

83. Echinaceas that also lay eggs.
So if you heard any not right animal quotes. I'm pretty sure that echinacea, that's just an ingredient in your pre-workout.
Echinoclase. All right, we'll see you on Monday.
Love you guys. Enjoy your football.
Bye, Ruffin and Rowdy. Bye, R&R.com.
Love you guys. Take on me

Take on me.

Take me on. We're talking away I don't know what I'm to say I'm saying anyway Today's another day to find you Shying away I've been coming for your love of cake Shine away I'll be coming for your love of cake Take on me Take me young.

I'll be gone.

And after all, too.