NFL Week 1, Recap Of Every Game, Fastest 2 Minutes, Plus Deion Sanders

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
As we progress through the season, every fan knows that big wins are hard to come by and tough losses are even harder to accept. But you know what isn't hard to accept? Discover.
Believe it or not, Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide you heard that right 99 so make a good call for your wallet and get discover based on the february 2024 nielsen report learn more at discover.com credit card on today's part of my take nfl week motherfucking one we're back we so fucking back. We have so much football to recap.
Feel it. Love it.
It is so, so good. It was incredible.
I forgot the experience of just having my eyes feel like they're going to fall out of my socket. I've watched football for 12 straight hours.
We're back. We're going to recap every single game, every single game.
So your team's going to get talked about, Maybe not in the way you want it to be, but they will be talked about. Find another show that does that.
We have Deion Sanders for 20 minutes talking about what were the big takeaways from week one. We have football guy of the week.
We have who's back of the week. And of course, we're going to start with the fastest two minutes.
Before we do all of that, part of my take is brought to you by... Ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working nah neither has ariot ariot work jackets and boots are packed with all the cold stopping waterproof protection you need to get the job done under any conditions so you can take any job out there and always deliver check out ariot in your local workwear retailer or visit ariot.com work to get 10 off your first order when you sign up for email and whether whatever in ariott work here okay let's go boy now in the street there is violence and then i love lot of work to be done.
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$10 to the ASPCA. Today is Monday, September 14th, and we have week one.

One.

Week one.

Football is back.

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

We start in hotlanta, and you're going to want to, Carlos, hide your kids, hide your wife,

because Mr. Unlimited is in town talking Talking to you, future Matt Ryan Rosillo got quite an arm workout today, throwing 54 passes, and Calvin Cooley Ridley wasn't so silent with two touchdowns at 130 yards.
Surprise, surprise, DK Metcalf ran a straight line as the crow flies to pay dirt in this bird fight. Good thing Dan Quinn was wearing a mask because Skeet Carroll dropped a load on the Dirty Birds in a touching tribute to Jamal Anderson.
Seahawks 38, Falcons 25. Whip! Whip! Whip! In western New York, Frank Al Gore took his giant balls onto his private jet and landed in the L column.
Everyone in the Josh pit as Mosh Allen let the bodies hit the floor, running for 57 yards and a touchdown. The Jets' offense looked terrible, but the one guy they couldn't de-platform is Jamison Steven Crowder, who had 115 yards and a touchdown.
Hey, T.J. Yeah, boom? First time all year.

No one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills.

Bills 27, touch 17.

We go west to Detroit where David Fontgummery was a great ball courier

and acted like a Times New Roman swipe,

helping the Bears finish after a full 60 minutes of pounding.

DeAndre Taylor Swift said, Someday I'll be dropping a game-winning TD, and all these hands will ever be is beat. Jamie Cuties Collins acted very inappropriate for his age, and the videos of the incident have no place on American television.
The Bears are back. 27, Lions 23.

Some spread.

Sticking in the NFC Norse,

Aaron Rodgers and Matt LaFleur are hashtag friend goals,

but they should be.

Hashtag throws before pros.

After putting up 43 points,

busy misdemeanor Johnson

tried to work it,

but the entire Vikings offense

would have liked to flip it

and reverse it

when it came to the scoreboard.

You lost it, cousin's feeling Thielen. Oh, that Cousins Thielen.
You've lost that Cousins Thielen. Now it's gone, gone, gone.
Oh, and one, and one, and one. Oh, and one.
Package 43, the Vikings 34. What? What? What? In Foxborough, new-look Patriots served up a bowl of New England ham chowder as Krill Belichick and James Great White game-planned like a bunch of Japanese fishermen looking for two of fish but slaughtered a bunch of dolphins instead.
Ryan Fishpatrick was flopping around and Miles Gaskin-Robbins played like 31 flavors of crap as the Dolphins fall to the pats. 21-11.
What? Fumble! Down 95 to Washington. Some call me Redskins.
Some call me Warriors. Some call me Red Wolves.
That's not my name. That's not my name.
That's not my name. The Eagles came out hot, but their play was Spotify in the second half as Joe Logan Thomas and the team put a three-hour-long back-and-forth on tape until Carson Winch eventually tapped out from too many body blows.
Like a Phoenix Suns hotel room, the Eagles were exposed to eight sacks. The Washington football team, 27.
Eagles, 17. In Jacksonville, where Gardner, men's shooter McGavin, continues his quest for a gold jacket, Colts wide receivers Paris and Hilton were out of focus and might as well have been picking up phone calls when they were trying to score.
Stop me if you've heard this before, Tiege, but Phillip Rivers was down late in the fourth quarter needing a score, and Marlins man Mack had to watch from the front row. The Colts fall short to Duval 27-20.
Whoop, whoop! Standing on the corner, Jameis Winston down in NOLA, such a fine sight to see. It's DB12, my lord, looking like a beat-up fort.
Maybe time to mix in a strawberry.

The wide-ass hamstrings loosey. He's throwing hands like Bruce Lee.
Hey, Mike, Chris Evans, you're getting guarded like you're a pussy. The Saints go marching 34-23.
Out West where Kyle Juicy, Jay Jusek and Jimmy Guwapolo Got caught in the trap as Kenyan Anti-Lock Drake's Made for a smooth driving experience for the upstart Cardinals All the talk around the league this week was about Odell Beckham and Poo Poo But it was Pee Pee, Patrick Peterson that came up with a big play Making the Cardinals look like they're one. The 49ers may have to clip Kingsbury a ball after this disappointing loss to start the season.
Cardinals 24, Niners 20. We finish in Tinseltown where coach Mike Jenny McCarthy looked like an anti-Daxer, refusing to take shots downfield.
Jared Hasselgoff, that's a joke, Teach. get it? Good joke, boom.
Jerry Jones might be needing his own lifeguard of his own after this loss. The Cowboys go down to opening night 2017.
All right. Week one Sunday in the books.
Holy shit. Football is all the way back.
It felt normal. It felt normal.
I know the fans. It's weird.
But once the ball got kicked off and once everyone turned on red zone and they're like seven hours of commercial-free football, it felt normal. Right, and that's what's great about football is that there aren't that many shots of the stands.
So you can suspend disbelief. You can be like, we're fine.
Everything's good.

I was a little rusty at first because dealing with my new cable service, I didn't know what channel the red zone package was on.

I had a hard time this morning.

I had to sit down for my TV.

I made sure to sit down 30 minutes early, get all my ducks in a row, get my computer

strings pulled up.

You do not want to miss a single second of the action.

I had a great time today.

Fuck yes.

Football's back.

And we've got two games. We've got the Sergio dip game tomorrow, the bonus game tomorrow night.
So we're not even done. They should always have two Monday night games.
Football is just not going to stop this year. No, they should always have two Monday night games.
All right, so we're going to go through every single game. If you're new to the podcast, this is how we do our Monday, football Mondays.
We're going to go through the entire schedule, talk about each game. I'll say it.
We're the only podcast that does that. Maybe there's others, but we're the only one.
We're going to go through the entire schedule talk about each game i'll say it

we're the only podcast that does that maybe there's others but we're the only one we're going to say some things about your team you're probably going to be upset sometimes you'll probably be happy other times but it's football monday we're going to have a great time and we're going to start so we're going to start with sunday night and then we'll go back to the uh one o'clock's sunday night football fast turf, Cowboys, Rams, Rams win. The fucking turf is a fraud.
Let's just get that out of the way. I'm not so sure that it is.
I think the turf is. It did look fast.
It is the fastest turf on turf. Mike McCarthy, you dumb, fat fuck.
Wow. Okay.
We're going right in that. Yeah.
I'm going to say it. I'm going to go right into it.
He is dumb and he is fat, but I don't think that he has sex. He's a dumb, fat virgin.
I actually don't hate – I will never say don't be aggressive because I think for the most part in the NFL, there's too many coaches that are conservative, and being aggressive in situations is always – I'm always for it. But I don't understand – like you have Dak Prescott, you drafted CeeDee Lamb.
I get, you know, as you go, it's great, but you have Amari Cooper. You're third and sixth.
If you're going to go for it on fourth, throw the ball on third. You'll probably get it because you've been throwing the ball all night.
You've been getting chunk plays. And then also when you have fourth down, don't have a route that is a yard short.
Yeah, that's football one-on-one. He's been out of the league for a couple years.
There was no preseason. So the one bonus for Mike McCarthy is he is not Jason Garrett.
So he sits on the sideline. He looks like he's in bad health.
He never claps, and he always looks pissed off. And he looks competent at times.
So he is the opposite of Jason Garrett in every way. So it was a little shocking seeing that on the sidelines.
I don't think that this is that bad of a loss for the Cowboys. They're on the road.
I think the Rams are going to be very good. I think the Rams are going to be pretty good this year.
What does being on the road have to do with this? Yeah, the road has nothing to do with it anymore. But this is...
Travel. Travel's a big thing.
But you see, this is exactly the Cowboys from last year where it's like, oh, everyone's talking about how great you are. Your offense is unbelievable.
And then you just shit down your leg when you need it. And, oh yeah, you lost a game that you could have won.
And I'm not taking anything away from the Rams. They look great in the uniforms.
I love those helmets. Jared Goff needs an asterisk on his one interception.
Should not count. That was hands to the face.
I'm also going to throw a flag on you saying that the new Rams uniforms are awesome. Oh, I like them.
The gray ones? I like them. They just look like they're dirty.
I like their helmets. I like their helmets.
Yeah, I'm okay with the helmets. I really only care about the helmets.
The gray uniforms, it's like, come on. No, I like them.
You look like the Padres on the road in 1992. Which is a great uniform.
Which they actually brought those back. They wear them now.
It's an okay uniform. But yeah, I don't think it was that bad of a loss.
I thought that the Rams, I thought I think they're going to be a good team. Hold on.
Time out. Time out.
It's preseason for everyone. We have, like the whole fun of the Cowboys losing is you have to be like, that's the worst loss ever.
I think I'm just And Jerry has to get and stand in a hallway and not say that he's going to fire Mike McCarthy after one game but at least imply it so then we can talk about it all week. I think that I'm numb to the Cowboys because they're just destined to be the world's best 8-8 team every single year.
And sometimes they'll make the playoffs going 8-8, and then we'll be like, well, maybe this is the actual time they put it together. But I think that it's classic Cowboys.
Jerry Jones, before the game, trying to locate his heart so that he could put his hand over it was very funny. And then they showed Stan Cranky, who, by the way, is not Stan Cranky anymore.
He's E. Stanley Cranky.
Awesome toupee guy. Yeah, he's a great toupee guy.
And I think he was upset because he's the richest owner in the NFL. But nobody talks about him like he's the richest.
So he's like, I have to come up with a name that sounds like I own a coal mine in the 1920s. So give me that first initial, and then I'll put Stan Lee in there.
Right. He went to war with the Rockefellers over who could control the railways.
He's a baron, yeah. Vanderbilt.
Did he pay for his own stadium? No, he did not. This billionaire did not pay for his own fucking stadium.
I really do think, though, the Cowboys... You're right that if you're a Cowboy fan, you shouldn't freak out because this is going to sound stupid, but they only score 17 points, but their offense looked like it works.
You know what I mean? There's times when, we'll get to the Bears, but they scored 27 points, and I'm like, that was hard. That was hard to get.
Right. Like that didn't look pretty.
Whereas the Cowboys made 17 points look pretty. They had a very, yes, they had a very good looking 17 points.
And this is like the classic mid-2000s Cowboys teams where they've got like three wide receivers who are all 6'2", 220 pounds, like big guys that can run really fast. And their offense is going to be fun to watch, but they're still going to find hilarious, interesting ways to lose these close games.
Yes. Who told Ezekiel Elliott that he should get that tattoo? The belly football tattoo? It said, feed me? Yeah, feed me on your stomach.
Yeah. I kind of like it.
Cool. Yeah.
Cool tattoo. I mean, that seemed to me like that was, well, he unveiled it in a loss, so that one sucks.
Not great. And when he showed it after he got to the end zone, it looked like a six-year-old going pee at a urinal, where they just learned they lift their shirt all the way up to their nipples, and they're like, I'm peeing like a big boy.
Yeah, so I don't know about that tattoo. I think that one was a misstep.
I think when you put on a little weight in like 30 years he retires he's not gonna play for another 30 years but and he has a feed me and you're like at the beach yeah and now it's not like it's it works when you have the feed or feed me tattoo and you have a borderline six-pack yeah but when you let yourself go it's not as it's not as funny because you know he's going to be like i'm not fat right but Right, but counterpoint, I think Zeke is a great fat guy name. I think it's going to work for him more in his old age when he's like 300 pounds.
He's like, oh, here comes Big Zeke. But you know he's going to be like, no, I'm not fat.
Right. He doesn't seem like that guy who's going to be happy about it.
He might just get a six-pack tattooed on his stomach. That would also work.
Which is actually a pretty sick move. So congrats to the Rams.
Again, we're not that jared uh goff interception does not count so everyone update your stats a couple things about the turf out there it is fast it's it's sabermetrically proven to be fast the green zone is greener in la i don't know if you noticed that but the hue of green was oh my god it was it was sexual also alden smith is back i didn't. After five years.
That's crazy. Chris Collinsworth maybe not using the best choice of words when he said Aldon Smith's just trying to drink it all in.
That's absolutely true. I don't think he just like, he didn't just connect that.
He's trying not to bomb on his return. Yeah.
Whoops. But that's crazy.
Five years. Well, Jerry was like, I can't get Greg Hardy.
So let me see if I can get on the phone with Aldon Smith. He could still get Greg Hardy.
You think so? Yeah. I think Greg Hardy is having the time of his life kicking the shit out of people for a living.
Or illegally kneeing people in the face. Yes.
That's the Greg Hardy. He's having a great time.
I think Greg Hardy actually sucks now. Well, because he loses by disqualification.
Right. His record is like 1-7-1, and all of his losses are just from winning too hard.
Yeah, from just being a total asshole and hitting someone when they're down. Alright, so Rams, win column.
Next game, so we'll go in order just when I read it off ESPN. Seahawks, Falcons.
God damn it's the same old Falcons. Well, and also Russell Wilson is...
Oh yeah, no, Russell Wilson's incredible. I'm calling it right now.
Russell Wilson, I don't care what he does for the rest of the year. He gets the MVP.
Yeah. Let Russ Cook worked because they had 38 dropbacks in 20 run plays.
They're finally letting Russ Cook. 31 for 35, four touchdowns.
I think it's a... I don't understand QBR.
No one does. Or no, passer rating.
I'm sure it's a perfect passer rating.

It's just some guy. It's like Nate Silver

sitting in a soundproof room and he

just puts some decimals in there.

And in college it can be higher than it is in the

pros. But yeah, it was a perfect game.
I should actually

back up. He went 31 for

35 for 322 yards. I think

the way passer rating works is if he had gone

30 for 35 it would have been a perfect passer

rating. Because there is a point

whoever decided passer rating

is such a mad scientist

Thank you. I think the way passer rating works is if he had gone 30 for 35, it would have been a perfect passer rating.
Right. Because there is a point that whoever decided passer rating is such a mad scientist that there's like a diminishing returns where the more completions are like, well, that's too many completions.
Now you get dinged some points. Right.
It's like just chill out, dude. You're doing too much.
Dan Quinn needs to chill out a little bit too because he's breaking into the Dan Quinn bag of tricks a little early after the game when they asked him about this game he he got into his like I'm mad as hell and it hurts like hell and there's nothing worse and I'm doing I'm gonna do everything that I can to turn this damn team around he dropped a lot of uh a lot of casual swear words that would be allowed on Stephen A. Smith's Twitter page right after the game and that's how you know that Dan Quinn is starting to panic a little bit.
Well, here's the question, which I never understand how this works, but you have a guy, Dan Quinn, who was on the hot seat all last year, fights for his job, wins his job. He starts week one back on the hot seat.
You don't get off the hot seat. It's not like you just hired a new guy and you're like, Dan Quinn, we love you, man.
You got five years to turn this thing around. You you're week one hot seat so that's why he's going right back to his bag of tricks he's basically starting the season midway through last season where he's fighting for his job week to week dan quinn just might be the best second half coach in the history of the nfl just enough to keep his job yeah or just be an excellent interim head coach yeah wherever he goes the uh so when i same old Falcons, they had 506 offensive yards and they were 0 for 4 on fourth down.
And just like the few, the Falcons are the best team in the world to put up stats and points and then always mess up the one or two game-changing winning plays. You know what it is? They're the turbo Cowboys.
Yeah.

They're like a really good Cowboys.

They're everything that the Cowboys aspire to be,

which also means that they lose harder than the Cowboys.

So whereas the Cowboys will always finish like 8-8,

the Falcons will be around 7-9, 6-10,

but they'll put together a couple winning streaks here and there.

But they are, yes, they're an awesome team.

The Falcons are the best team in the NFL that sucks.

I have a take because everyone loves the Patrick Patrick Mahomes no look pass and oh my god Patrick Mahomes and that Patrick Mahomes is incredible I still for my money think that Russell Wilson doing the drop in the bucket floater which he did to DK Metcalf on fourth and five for a touchdown is the prettiest pass in football yeah and I don't care who catches that pass that pass. It's always Doug Baldwin.
Yes, yes, it is. D.K.
had such a— Yeah, Tyler Lockett a little bit because Tyler Lockett is Doug Baldwin. Right, yeah, he's the new Doug Baldwin.
They're the same player. But when D.K.
caught that pass, I was like, that is a Doug Baldwin catch right there. Doug Baldwin's back.
But it is the prettiest pass in all of football. When he does that arc, it like scrapes the roof and drops right in a bucket, right in their hands.
I love it. I love it.
Did you see DK took one step to the side on that route? Yeah. He's learning.
Robots are learning. It's like when Raptors in Jurassic Park figure out how to open doors.
Watch out. If DK figures out how to run anything but a nine route, the league's in trouble.
Yeah. The Falcons are going to be – they're definitely in my tickler file for pinky teams.
If they can get a couple wins. If they can get one win in the next two weeks, if they can go one and two.
Were they your pinky team last year? Was it last year or the year before? I think it was last year, wasn't it? Yeah, it was last year. The year before was the Texans.
So the rule of the pinky team is that it has to be after week three and it's got to be a team that had hopes of going to the playoffs and had a slow start. Yeah, I still think that the Falcons will be good.
Yeah, but the Falcons didn't go to the playoffs last year. Wow, they've had hopes this year.

They had hopes.

They have hopes.

Everyone has hopes, though.

Because, hey, did you see the offense?

I feel like a team that regressed.

I feel like a team can't be a team that regressed.

10 out of 11 of their offensive starters are first-round picks.

That doesn't mean anything.

Todd Gurley.

You don't know football.

You don't know football.

They scored.

Yeah.

Listen, Julio Jones, 157 yards. Calvin Ridley, 130 yards.
Russell Gage, 114 yards. That's the one who's not.
He's the only non-first round pick. Yeah.
And he even got over 100. That's incredible.
So he's played his way into being a first round pick. Yes.
All right. So next up, we have Jets Bills.
The Jets fucking suck. I'm so sick bills the jets fucking suck i'm so sick of adam gaze i'm so sick of the sam donnell i threw this out there on twitter and i actually it was a lot of responses but why we we're josh allen guys it might have started ironically but we are truly josh allen guys i love watching him play he's like he goes full tilt all the time just everything he does is just full fucking tilt which sometimes leads to fumbles but whatever like Twitter kills Josh Allen and yet they think Sam Donald is some prospect and I get it the Jets have no offensive line they have no weapons but still how can you say like how can you sit there and be like Josh Allen is costing his team or Josh Allen is holding his team back, which is a take a lot of people throw out there and also be like, Sam Donald's going to be a franchise quarterback.
Josh, you wait. Well, the reason why is because Twitter exists three years in the past.
Everyone is stuck on Twitter defending things that they said three years ago at all times, which is why I love the website, which is why a lot of people think that Hillaryary clinton is president on earth too but in this case i think that people are just hanging on to this one little theory that they had that josh allen would not be good right in the nfl and they had a theory that sam donald would be good in the nfl so they're they're busy fighting against ghosts of the present and they're never going to be right especially like during a pandemic are you going to trust a guy with sam donald's immune system or a guy with josh allen's very robust immune system i listen you could tell me that there's something i'm just not seeing with sam darnold but i just don't see it with sam darnold and josh allen yeah sometimes a little raw the fumbles were bad today but he has all this fucking raw talent that's incredible and it's starting to you see it starting to come through where it's like getting more consistent and i don't it just baffles me that anyone it the thing that really baffles me is everyone makes fun of jr i'm not talking about everyone but like draft twitter and you know the right draft twitter living off their taste in the past they make fun of josh allen because it's like why would fall in love with it? And then they fall in love with Sam Donald for the same fucking reason, because he's a fucking tall white guy who went to USC. And he threw interceptions at USC.
You're actually talking me into him right now. Is it just because he doesn't come on the show? That probably has a lot to do with it, yeah.
Dude, I'm done with it. Sam Donald and Adam Gaser, they stink.
The Jets are the Jets and will continue to be the Jets until they're no longer proven to be the Jets. That's just, they are, the Jets are never going to be good.
Maybe I'm being harsh on Sam Darnold here. Maybe I should be more harsh on Adam Gase because I don't think Adam Gase actually practiced.
I don't think he held a practice in the offseason. The way the Jets started that game, I don't think they practiced.
I think Gase is right up there for the first coach to be fired this year oh he's right but and matt patricia i could also see adam gase getting like two more head coaching jobs after this we've said it before but adam gase is the smartest man in the world because he put himself next to excellence in peyton manning and everyone was like whoa adam gase must have had something to do with that well a great thing that happened to gase was last year when Sam Darnold went out sick with Mono for, what, like five, six weeks? Because you can't count last year of Sam Darnold's progression against Adam Gase. He gets this whole year.
I wouldn't be surprised if Adam Gase went over to his house and made out with him and was like, hey, I just gave you Mono. Yeah.
This is going to be good for both of us. I actually, and sometimes we'll say things on this show where you know that you're going to piss off the fan base of that team.
I actually think most Jets fans probably agree with me. Yeah.
They're sick of Adam Gase. They're definitely sick of Adam Gase.
They're probably borderline sick of Sam Darn. They're probably still hoping, kind of like with me and Mitch.
You obviously hope for the best, and you know you invested in a guy, so you're hoping for the best. But deep down in your head, you're saying, I don't know.
I don't see it. I just don't see it.
He had 22 yards in the first half. I swear to God they didn't practice.
Right, and what Adam Gase does so very well is he doesn't get any good backup quarterbacks that people want to root for to see in the games. The only quarterback he got this year was Joe Flacco, who I think is paralyzed from the shoulders down, at least least for the next two months he's not even able to play yet and so gaze is is doing a very good job of being like well you know i can't bench i can't bench darnold because i don't have anybody to put in for him so i guess we'll have to ride this one out and so i it's what a lot of smart coaches do when they're just trying to keep their jobs right they pin all their hopes on like one guy and then that one guy gets the blame if things don't go well.
The Jets are going to be, and we'll get to the Jags because everyone obviously thought the Jags were actively tanking. The Jets definitely have a chance to be one of the worst teams in the league this year.
They're playing the 49ers next week. Hats off to Le'Veon Bell for getting all that money, going to New York for some reason New York is the media capital of the United States.
It's where all of us big city J's live and nobody really looks into Le'Veon Bell not really being a difference maker up there right now. He's getting paid a shitload of money and I don't think he cares that much and I probably don't care that much either.
Well, everyone knew that at the time too. Even Jets fans were like, we have way too much cap cap space that's not a good thing right like we're just gonna sign someone to sign someone and it's not gonna actually get us wins whatever happened to the rams because did the rams ever get under the cap they're they're just they're just saying that they're doing bitcoin yeah yeah though they're in crypto for sure um all right so yeah i don't i'll i'll soften my take on sam donald slightly slightly and lay more blame on Adam Gase's feet.
I think he's a bad coach. I'll put it this way.
If Sam Darnold went to a new team, let's say Sam Darnold went to the Bears next year. You'd be like he's a first round pick.
He's a tall USC boy. Did you watch the Rose Bowl? Yeah, dude.
This guy can sling it in college immediately. I know how biased I am.
If Sam Darnold goes to a new team, you'll talk yourself into him. In a second.
If Adam Gase went to a new team, you'd be like, what the fuck is this team doing hiring Adam Gase? Yeah, no, Sam Darnold definitely has. He's not so bad.
He's not, and I still like Josh Rosen. I still wish someone would give him another chance, but he's not that.
Sam Darnold will have either get the fifth year with the Jets or someone will give him another chance, and I'm okay with it because, again, his offensive line is trash, his weapons are trash, and his coach is an idiot. But still, I just don't understand how anyone would be like, Josh Allen's a joke and Sam Darnold's a fucking up-and-coming guy.
Adam Gase, man. Good for him.
You know what? I'm always in favor of people getting money, and Adam Gase has gotten a lot of it just based off, what, like two years? Fail upwards. Yep, there you go.
All right, Bears-Lions. The Bears are all the way back, kind of.
Eh. Listen, I know deep down that what I watched today was more about the Lions than it was about the Bears well I don't know fantasy stud Mitchell Trubisky he had he had more points than Patrick Mahomes and Deshaun Watson yes oh yeah yes he had more he was three touchdowns zero interceptions he was six for six uh in 82 yards in two touchdowns in the fourth quarter the last two drives when we needed a touchdown.
I just know I'm not going to go crazy. The Lions, Matt Patricia is unbelievable at blowing fourth quarter leads.
Seven last year. And remember the last year, the week one, when they tied the Cardinals and they were up 24-6? That was an all-time.
Essentially just a repeat of that except that they lost the game and like going for a 55 yard field goal which was crazy and of course DeAndre Swift catches that ball we're having a different conversation right I mean give credit to the Lions that they find out more heartbreaking ways to lose every single week it's actually I've on one hand I feel bad for Lions fans because I mean you've gone through so much shit and the ways that they find to just blow it in the last second are endless. But on the other hand, they're very entertaining to watch them come up with these new – it's like art.
There's a real saying in Detroit, same old Lions. Yeah.
The SOL. Like, that's actually something that Lions fans will say, will mutter to themselves, and you get it.
Like, you get – our friend World of Isaac had a tweet that was like, it was legitimately depressing. He was like, this team, it's unhealthy to root for them.
They caused me pain, heartache. I deserve better.
I was like, damn, dude. It is true.
It would be pretty hilarious if Adrian Peterson retired tomorrow. Dude, Adrian Peterson looked great.
He looked really good. He's going to play forever.
So I like that Matt Nagy still ran the ball. They committed a little bit more to the run.
I understand like Mitch the first three quarters and he had clean pockets and he was just missing throws. Maybe you just have to tell him that it's the fourth quarter right away and like we're going to play up-tempo.
I still don't understand why the Bears aren't always going up-tempo. How did the first 12 scripted plays go? They usually go pretty good.
Not good. That's a bad sign.
Nope, they went three and out, and I want to say not good. Yeah, so I don't know.
I'm realistic. I know that there are big problems still.

All I'll say is, as a fan, all you want is to be able to keep the hope alive for as long as possible. We talk about it all the time, the in the hunt graphic in December.
So going 1-0 in that fashion was awesome, felt so good, and it keeps the hype. Like next week, I'm legitimately excited to watch the Bears again.
Whereas if they lose 23 to six to the lions on week one,

I'm like,

Holy. And it keeps the hype.
Like, next week, I'm legitimately excited to watch the Bears again. Whereas if they lose 23-6 to the Lions on week one, I'm like, holy fuck, this is the worst thing I've ever watched.
Right. And, you know, we always say, like, if the season ended today, which is a real possibility this year.
Don't say that. I'm just saying, more so than any other year.
If the season did end today, the Bears, I think, would probably be first or second in the nfc if we're going based off points scored as a tiebreaker which we are in this discussion right so congrats on your fourth quarter points scored fourth quarter points scored by quarterbacks you you are the number one seed by far uh did you see what matt patricia said after the game uh they asked about his coaching they should and they asked him about uh they asked about blowing these fourth quarter leads and his response was i think i've got one of the biggest plays in the fourth quarter in the history of the nfl where i think i did a pretty good job so i don't think that it's my coaching so he's talking about the malcolm butler interception he's taking credit for the malcolm butler interception in the super bowl seven fourth quarter he's got the pedigree he was defensive coordinator, and that was a defensive play. He single-handedly won the Super Bowl for Malcolm Brown.
Matt Stafford deserves better. Lions fans deserve better.
Matt Stafford deserves better. But I'm not going to apologize for the Bears pulling one out of their ass today and keeping.
Club Dub was open. Club Dub was back up.
They did it on the road again. It was officially back up.
Ryan Pace and matt nagy gave the entire team a new pair of jordan fours so we got some team chemistry going well like it's a bowl game yeah they go on the road they're all in sweatsuits yes i can't think anything worse for somebody to hand me when i'm already getting on a plane fully dressed in another pair of shoes but this is what you have to do when you're trying to save your job matt nagyy and Ryan Pace know this is it. So they're like, well, what can we do? And then everyone's getting on the plane holding a shoebox.
There's no room in the overhead compartment. Then you just have to take a flight with a shoebox in your lap.
The Bears are going to pay their players in Best Buy gift certificates and watches this year. Oh, headphones.
And a gift certificate to Outback. You guys are great.
Shout out to Jamie Collins for getting kicked out of the game for headbutting a referee. Went full of Zinadenzidon on it.
Dude, that ref was so soft. The ref needs to stand his ground a little bit on that one.
He initiated the contact. I know.
It was a block. Have you ever gone over to a house that has too frisky of a cat? Like a cat that comes to greet you and just bounces their head? That's basically what Collins did.
Yes. Yeah, just kind of trying to nuzzle up in there.
All right, so Mitch, I'm back. I mean, I was already back in, but I'm all the way back in.
Guess what? I'm all the way back in. And also, I know there's probably new people out there, but I had to do a PSA.
I tweet with my heart, not my head. So when you think you got me, when I say the Bears fucking suck in the second quarter, they did suck then.
And then when they're back, they're all the way back. Super Bowl, Super Bears.
Like, what do you want me to say? I tweet with my heart. That's being a fan.
Yes. All right.
If you're the Lions, though, you never tweet out, like, the Lions are in. This is at Super Bowl.
No. Like, we got this.
Because you know. Isaac was tweeting, like the back of your head he tweeted that super bowl bound yeah it is this is the what you do if you're and i i kind of count the bears the lions were like there's a there's a whole group of fan bases that what you have to do to get yourself through life and cope is is kind of the false bravado enjoy the highs too much because you know the lows are coming and they're going to be abundant.
I feel like even though recent years Philly is in that category as well. Yes.
Especially like today, you see it. Yeah, you got to just get so over the top hyped about a win.
Like I was so happy about this win and I was so like I texted everyone. It's like, holy shit, dude, we're back.
I know we're not back. Falcons are in that group too.
But I want to just say it. Let me live.
Let me say it. At least when the Lions lose, they lose hilariously.
Yeah. And in new creative ways that make you feel a little bit alive as in like, I can't believe this is happening to me.
Same old Lions. Yeah.
Same old Lions. You know, we talk about Scorigami.
Yeah. It's Deplorigami.
It's the worst ways. Always.
But being creative with them with them yes um all right here's something that'll bum me out the uh packers kicked the shit out of the vikings and

aaron rogers i i was very afraid of this i think he's gonna go on the fuck you tour this year

it pretty much couldn't have worked out better for aaron rogers today and the fact that he

torched the vikings and mike mccarthy looked like a fat bumbling idiot on Sunday Night Football. He was definitely watching the game.
Nice day for Aaron Rodgers. He looked very, very good.
The Vikings defense has some big time problems. And Kirk Cousins, wow.
It's so funny when it's so transparent, when a team's like, we do everything i mean the bears do this all the time like we do everything to make sure our quarterback doesn't throw the ball kurt cousins threw the ball five times in the first half and he would have thrown the ball four times but they fucked up by mistake so they they ran the ball on that last drive of the first half before that last drive he was two for four for 32 yards before halftime that was a stat line and then they tried to kill the clock with a running play and they accidentally got like 17 yards off it i love when that happens and then they're like i guess we better let kirk try to throw what's the worst thing he's going to do throw an interception at the 50 with five seconds left he connected on i think it was like a 25 or 30 yard pass and then they ended up kicking a field goal i think to end the first half which which boosted his stats up to like three for five for 57 yards or something along those lines. But, yeah, it was the perfect Kirk Cousins game because it never really felt like they were in it, but in the third and fourth quarter, Cousins got to go out there and throw a couple touchdowns.
Well, they kept on scoring and then giving up touchdowns. The Vikings are definitely going to miss Diggs and uh that defense is is young and not good like right now i'm not obviously they have some guys injured coming back and i i trust in mike zimmer being a very good defensive head coach but when you get torched like that like it felt like when we were watching red zone like the fight the packers would just go deep shot deep shot deep shot yeah i i mean bad news for you is i think the packers are going to be very their defense stinks kind of but aaron rogers is pissed off so i was really hoping this was the year that he sucked aaron's got those two moods disengaged and then mad at everyone and he seems to be in mad at everyone mood right right speaking of scorgami and a palindrome 43 34 and a scorgami whoa very cool jake the very cool the 1,055th unique final score in NFL history.
We have to run out of these soon, right? How many numbers can there be in the universe? By the way, we shouldn't even be talking about numbers because when the Rockets got their butts whooped this weekend, I think that's the official nail in the coffin of combining numbers and sports. Daryl Morey, you're not allowed to talk about numbers.
He should not be allowed to own a calculator. You know how when you get convicted of a felony, you can't own a gun anymore? They should not let Daryl Morey operate a spreadsheet.
Rayjean Rondo's brother being named William is also just the funniest wrinkle of that whole story. William Rondo.
Yeah, when it's like a cool, interesting name and then Bob. Yeah, Russell Westbrook was fighting with Rayjean Rondo's brother, William.
Larry Rondo. Bobby Rondo.
Get the Rockets out of here. They're done.
Billy Rondo. Get them out of here.
James Harden is – how could anyone be a James Harden fan anymore? Honestly. If you like numbers.
If you enjoy numbers. In the regular season.
I think lefties, there's still some southpaws out there that are like they identify yeah it's but it's great like russ i can still understand because russ he cares and his heart's in it and he's going like balls to the wall even if he's not very good anymore or not at that russ you know mvp harden is just you just know he's gonna in the playoffs he's just gonna loaf around look fat and not show up it is, though, when he does that thing where he dribbles between his legs 20 times in a row. And then passes it and then gets the ball back right away.
Yeah. Or shoots like a 35-footer.
Was that not the most predictable thing ever, though? The Rockets meekly going out of the playoffs? The gentleman's sweep. Down by 20.
I have a prediction. All game.
Just like, yeah, we got to get out of here. For your Lakers, I think that the Lakers might go through the entire playoffs losing the first game and then gentlemen sweeping them.
We got to bet on them against, well, we'll get to the Nuggets or the Clippers. Game one.
We got to bet against them. Remind us to do that.
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Okay, let's get back to the games. We have Patriots 21, Dolphins 11, Canary Cam in the yellow tuxedo.
He looked like Curious George's pimp.

Yeah, he did.

He looked like the mask.

Jim Carrey from the mask getting on the Mayflower.

Everyone should have seen that and been like,

okay, well, Cam Newton's back. Because you don't wear that if you're not feeling 100% healthy

and have a chance of losing.

I was shocked with how much Cam ran the ball.

15 times. And I'm very excited.
you know it's coming pft uh someone in the media is going to say well josh mcdaniels did take tim tebow to the playoffs so i think you just said it yeah i think i don't believe it i don't believe it i don't believe it but he did not he didn't throw, I think, on the outside. Ran the ball 15 times.

He's a lot better than Tim Tebow, a former MVP.

But someone's going to say that.

I mean, well, Cam didn't start over Tebow when he was at Florida.

True.

So you tell me.

Still laptops.

Yeah, still laptops.

Got kicked out.

But, Hank, did you say somebody sucked me?

Do you think that that's the line that the mask said?

No, I was watching the Will Dickie show Dave this weekend.

And in his show, he got dressed up in the the line that the mask said? No, I was watching the Will Dickie show Dave this weekend,

and in his show, he got dressed up in the yellow suit from the mask, and then in the show, he's like, I've got to go viral somehow.

So he put on that suit and stood up and goes, somebody suck me.

And then in the show, it goes viral, blah, blah, blah.

Okay, gotcha.

All right, that makes sense.

Although I was hoping that you thought that the mask said, somebody suck me.

That would have been a nice truth for us.

We just didn't see.

Cam had a great spike today, and it's actually got me becoming a spike truther because I think that there's something in the turf in New England that makes the balls bounce higher which is why you saw Gronk dominate the spike industry. Don't tell me it's fast turf.
No, it's not. It's bouncy turf.
I've already been hurt once. It's bouncy turf and then Cam goes in there and spikes it.
How high did it go? 27 feet, although there's a chance that that math is incorrect. So, Hank, watching that game, Patriots are really, really good, or the Dolphins suck? I think the Patriots are as good as they ever were.
I think they're— Super Bowl. Yeah, Super Bowl contenders.
There's no they won't win like 10 between 11 and 14 games. AFC championship Super Bowl contenders barring injuries and such.
I also my big takeaway was I want to just start taking the under because if Josh McDaniels is going to have Cam Newton run the ball and Cam Newton is still, you know, all the injuries and everything that's happened. He's still probably the scariest guy to tackle.
I think he's the biggest guy in the field. He's insane.
He's the biggest guy in the field. He's the size of defensive ends.
When he goes forward, it's like, how would anyone want to touch this? Yeah. It's insane.
He did look 100% healthy today. Yeah.
In fact, I mean, the Patriots offense looked better with Cam Newton than did with Tom Brady. But I am going to take the under because it feels like they're going to do a lot of ball control, play defense, run the ball, and, yeah, give me the under.
I don't know if they have, like, the weapons that, like, explosive offense, but they definitely have enough to win these games. They got jewels, which is nice.
They're doing the thing where they run, like, seven different running backs. They just get everybody a touch back there.
They're trying to make Nikhil Harry happen despite all his efforts to not make it happen for himself. I think Nikhil Harry may have done the one thing that can get you benched on the Patriots besides sleeping in.
What did Gray do that one time? What was his name? Gray. Jonas Gray.
Jonas Gray. Showed up late to the to the bus sports illustrated after scoring three touchdowns

four i think four touchdowns the colts so the one thing besides sleeping in that will make bill

belichick want to bench you well and also malcolm butler for whatever reason for yeah we're not gonna

talk about you can you can murder somebody and belichick will wait three days and be like i

don't know if we're gonna bench him yet uh but nakil harry fumbled the ball in like the two yard

line and it went out of bounds for a touchback and and Belichick fucking hates that. Still the worst rule in sports.
Nah, disagree. It's fun.
It's fun chaos. We've moved on from my hoop idea where they have mini hoops, but I really do think you should get to keep the ball, but you go back to the 25-yard line, you get first and goal from the 25, or whatever down it is.
Because every rule out there benefits the defense, and there are special rules about controlling the ball in the end zone if you're on offense. All you have to do is just reach out and break the plane.
You don't need to get two feet in or anything like that. So everything favors the offense.
So why can't there be one weird end zone rule that favors the defense? It's just stupid that if you fumble out of bounds anywhere else on the field, it's just out of bounds.

Yeah, but play is never over.

I hate that rule. It's also an over

killer. I like it.

That's why you don't like it is because it kills the

overs. I think maybe the reason I do like it

is because everybody else hates it.

So I'm glad we're all putting our cards

on tape. We've gotten it out.

Not great Fitzpatrick. Just put

Tua in. Just put him in there.

I want to see Tua. Let Tua

cook. We should TM that.

Look at that. Let Tua cook.
Yeah. We should start tweeting that.
I think that Fitzpatrick didn't even do anything fun and Fitzpatrick-y enough to make me want to see him again. No, he didn't.
He didn't. He even had a chance to when they were driving late, and he threw an interception.
He scored a pretty cool two-point conversion, but it was only cool because nobody expects Fitzpatrick to be able to run. He didn't even do the thing where he picks the lightest defender and truck sticks him.
He loves doing that. He didn't even do that today.
That's the one thing I want from my Fitzy. Come on, Fitzy.
If you're in there, do that. I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be mean to you, Fitzy, because I love you. I don't even think you listen listen to the show but I just want to put it out in the universe that I love you Fitzy but um just do something stupid do something fun we actually have to get him on the show I have I have his number yeah from the from the Rubik's Cube guy yeah wow I didn't even I mean I've never I think it would be weird to that was one of those you know sometimes you'll get put on a text but the other person doesn't really consent to it uh-huh that's what happened with that one where it's like hey we're linking you guys and it's like but he didn't really want to be on a text that's a text i've never texted him that's a text that you can just ignore right in perpetuity if you're that guy yeah it listen i watched the two weird documentary slash biopic slash you did sob story that they put out on uh on saturday night i i was the sob story that the house saban got his family was only well they had to pay taxes on the house that saban bought okay uh it's pretty tough because it was a pretty sweet house but i want to and now like he got me hyped up for two of this awesome and he's gonna look awesome.
And he's going to look sweet in those candy-ass Miami Dolphins colors. He actually will make them less candy-ass because they'll just look sick.
They'll go from being candy-ass to being turbo. Also, Tua, low-key fat-ass.
Yeah. Real nice-ass.
Mm-hmm. Big time.
Fitzy's got a fat-ass, too. Yeah.
But that's more like a dad-ass. Yeah, it's a dad-ass.
Right. Looks like he's wearing mom jeans.
Yeah, he got that fat-ass from washing all the cars every Saturday morning. Right.
Tua's just got a big dog. Picking up his nine kids.
Tua does the Instagram videos where he's just doing like a million squats with the leggings on. They should make a rule where they allow Tua's entire family to be the only people in the stands during games.
So it would be like basically what Kansas City had this year. Yes, yes.
It would be like 30% full. Yeah.
All right. Next up, the Washington football team with a huge win.
Excuse me. The Washington football team.
Riverboat Ron is officially back. We'll get to him for football guy of the week.
But going for it, fourth and four, under six minutes, when he could kick a field goal. Riverboat Ron, baby.
And the defensive line now, the Eagles had no one on the offensive line.

Lane Johnson being out sucked.

That was bad for them.

But still. The Eagles are also, that's like mid-season form for them, where they have all the, their

starting running back was out, their left tackle was out.

Now, I'm not going to ask for an apology.

I'll accept one.

You don't have to give it, but I'm accepting it on your behalf, because I told you that my Eagles pick was bird alert this week, right? I put them on bird alert. I'm going to do ask for an apology.
I'll accept one. You don't have to give it, but I'm accepting it on your behalf because I told you that my Eagles pick was Bird Alert this week, right?

I put them on Bird Alert.

I'm going to do that for one Bird team every week I've decided.

The Washington defense is fucking nasty.

They are really, really good.

And I think they had eight sacks on Carson Wentz.

I didn't even know that was possible,

but at some point if you're Carson Wentz, maybe it's on you.

Well, Carson Wentz is definitely good for like like, two or three spinning the wrong way sacks a game. Yeah.
Where he took that sack to get him out of field goal range. That's a sack you take if it's your second game in the NFL.
You've been in the NFL for a long time, for a while now, Carson Wentz. You can't take a sack that gets you that far out of field goal range.
I also, I was thinking about this. I'm so happy that Carson Wentz exists in Philadelphia under the circumstances that he exists because when the Eagles won the Super Bowl, they, you know, that was a franchise that was so passionate that had been waiting so long for that big moment.
And you always worry when a team wins something, when a fan base wins like that, that they'll change who they are. But the fact that they did it with Nick Foles and then Nick Foles is out of town.
So now they still have the quarterback who is technically on the team who won games that year. but they can still hate their quarterback and their quarterback can still divide the city.
Because if if Carson Wentz had won that Super Bowl, you can't you can't in the city of Philadelphia be like Carson Wentz is a bum. Right.
But it's so perfect that they won a Super Bowl and they still get to have quarterback conversations every fucking day in the fall about whether or not Carson Wentz is good. Yeah.
If Carson Wentz and Nick Foles walked into the same bar in Philadelphia, Nick Foles is getting on the drink spot for him. Yes.
And so the Philadelphia fan base getting to have a Super Bowl and still have a quarterback that they can be like, given how the game goes, they want to kill him or they love him. I just love it.
Yeah, I've noticed this about Carson Wentz. He's very bad at falling when he's getting tackled.
Yes, he's spinning out. He spins the wrong way.
Yeah, sometimes that, but also when he gets caught from behind, very awkward faller. Some quarterbacks are really good at falling.
Some aren't. Robert Griffin, I would say, is like the all-time worst falling quarterback ever where, like, he'll dislocate a kneecap just taking a sack.
Do you know who's actually really bad, too? Teddy Bridgewater. Yeah.
Every time he slides, I think he's going to pop his knee out. Yeah, me too.
Kyler Murray, good faller. Unbelievable slider.
Great faller. Russell Wilson, good slider.
Very good slider. But, yeah, Carson Wentz, when he falls, his limbs kind of splay out, and he always keeps the ball away from his body when he's falling down.
yeah he gets a lot of fumbles when the ball is like an inch off the ground he was not he he was not good and uh it's it's especially cruel the lions had this the eagles had this to start the season red hot in the first two quarters and then have it all fall apart because you have that brief moment where you're like are we the best team in the world eagles fans were thinking that now i might be severely overreacting to this because i think that the eagles lost to the former r words when it was mcnab's first game on the team because as we said they always start out the season playing each other somehow and then we overreact and like okay i think that they're good i think the Eagles are bad. So this might be just a really shitty take on our part.

The Eagles will probably end up being a pretty good team,

but right now the Washington football team, that defense,

that's a very, very good defense.

The Eagles' offensive line needs to get figured out

because Lane Johnson going out, the minute that happened,

it was like, okay, well, that's huge because they just can't afford that. It's hilarious seeing the end zone in Washington now that says, Washington football team, and then whatever the NFL, like end racism sponsored by Verizon wireless messages underneath that.
So much letter. But there's so much letter in the end zone.
People are saying like the football team was coming up on some of the score bugs where it was just listing the logos or the mascots of each team and then uh for washington it just said football team on it i think it's great i've

reached the point where i'm like you know we play football we're not going to name our football team

after some candy ass bird like we don't need a cartoon mascot telling us to cheer i'd cheer for

a football team that plays football next week will be a real test against uh the cardinals and kyler

murray who i'm now a full believer i'm done we'll get to that but uh yes good start for the washington

to be able to get the Next week will be a real test against the Cardinals and Kyler Murray, who I'm now a full believer. I'm done.
We'll get to that. But, yes, good start for the Washington football team.
All right, next up, the Raiders and the Panthers. Teddy Bridgewater.
I actually wrote it down. Teddy Bridgewater every single time he slides.
I think his knee socket is going to fall out. Which is weird because we never actually saw the video of his initial injury.
But someone puked. Someone puked.
Confirmed. Everyone puked, I think.
The Raiders, their running attack is awesome. Yes.
They have an awesome offensive line. Josh Jacobs had three touchdowns.
But I think the Panthers are going to – I'm circling the Panthers as my scrappy underdog, they're going to in every game team because Joe Brady's an awesome coach what he did at LSU and Teddy Bridgewater like Teddy Bridgewater is not going to lose you games so I'm circling the the Panthers as a team that's going to be like they're going to they're going to fuck someone up late in the season and also like 10 point underdog and Matt Rule he coached in the big 12 so we can score yes that's all I know about Matt Rule. He does look very funny on the sidelines.
Did you see his look today with the giant oversized sunglasses? Yes. He looked like Doug Marone if he just shrunk his body but kept his clothes the exact same size.
Yes, they look like sunglasses that you'd buy for $15 at a gas station. Yeah, which I actually like on coaches.
Yeah, and they break like two seconds after you pull out. Right, like Cliff Kingsbury.
I don't like his sidelines look where everything that he owns looks like it cost $500.

Agreed.

Matt Rule got dressed on the way to the game that day, stopping in various rest stops.

John Gruden had one of the worst visuals on the sideline ever.

What happened? Oh, yeah.

His hair was like blowing in the wind, and it just looked like he was bald.

It was bad.

It looked like he got run over by a lawnmower.

Look at this. Oh, my God.
Yeah, it looked like somebody just took a weed whacker to his face. Oh, no, John Gruden.
So it's over, dude. Shave your head.
Congrats to Derek Carr, though. Derek Carr is just going to be living his life in one-week spurts trying to make John Gruden not want to kill him.
Well, good news. Next week's going to be fun because they open up the new Vegas Stadium, Monday Night Football, against the Saints.
Defense that looked very good today. Derek Carr's going to suck, and it's going to be awesome to watch John Gruden chew him out on Monday Night Football.
That's going to be great. Maybe Nathan Peterman.
But, yeah, Mariota's hurt, right? Yeah, Mariota's hurt. Duh.
Yeah. Oh, you think? Peterman is next in line.
But all Derek Carr has to do is just not make John Gruden want to kill him. So he's going to play very conservatively.
Just audible the runs. Just hand the ball off.
Yes. Just give the ball to Josh Jacobs.
Yes. I guarantee you Gruden will not bench you for handing the ball off too much.
He will bench you if you throw a single interception. Yes.
And this is also, now they have a couple threats, deep threats. They have one of the best offensive lines in the NFL.
I don't know if there's any. I think it's just I'm pretty much just talking to David Carr right now.
But this is as close to a perfect situation as you can get with an offensive-minded head coach. Like, this is it for Derek Carr.
This is it. This is the best situation because you know how we oftentimes do it with quarterbacks.
We just did it with Sam Darnold. We were like, ah, well, the situation sucks, so who knows if you could have everything right.
I feel like this is just about as right as you can get. So, David Carr, if this doesn't work out for your brother, shut up.
Yeah, he is talking a lot. There's no real Derek Carr fans out there, are there? No, absolutely not.
He's kids. Are they? Yeah, you're you're right.
I'm thinking back to Hard Knocks last year. He just oils them up with suntan lotion every day.
It's something about Derek Carr more than it is about quarterbacks that just throw interceptions because what could it be that John Gruden keeps bringing back Nathan Peterman? Because he is the exact opposite of quarterback is what Gruden would. I think it's like he's the one wild stallion that Gruden would like to tame.
The one that throws all the interceptions. He's like, what if I could just make him change his ways? Yeah, Nathan Beterin also strikes me as not boisterous.
He's probably slightly beta, kind of just sits there. Teacher's pet, like sit there and just take in the information, not really talk a lot.
So that's probably got to bother Derek Carr because you have a guy who won't talk a lot just sitting there being like, I'm just here to do my job. I'm just happy.
Thank God that I'm here. Actually, thank God.
That's got to drive you nuts. Listen, I consider myself lucky to go out there on Sundays and throw four interceptions in the first quarter.
Right, right. You're just like, what the fuck? You're right.
Gruden probably can't be upset at a guy whose attitude is like that. Where where if it was car whose whole thing is like he wants to be that leader so very badly yes that he will oil himself up and get eyeliner tattooed on his eyelashes we're speculating uh that like gruden will get mad at that guy for making mistake but a guy who admits openly like hey i'm in way over my head right now that's kind of lovable for yeah i'm just happy to be here like if gardner minshu was the backup for the raiders it wouldn't work no because he would be what he'd be like, I'm in way over my head right now.
That's kind of lovable for Tom Drew. Yeah, I'm just happy to be here.
Like, if Gardner Minshew was the backup for the Raiders, it wouldn't work.

No.

Because he'd be like, I'm going to have my shot soon.

I'm the guy.

Nathan Peterman, every single morning when he pulls into the facility,

he's shocked that his key card still works.

He's just like, thank you so much. He's shocked that he wakes up in the morning.

Yeah, he probably washes some dishes at the facility just to chip in. He's help out a little bit here i'll clean a couple toilets um all right colts jags phil they really got to make the colts games in the afternoon because it really i thought it would be okay but when he went down in the fourth quarter and it was during the true witching hour it didn't feel the same because it was it was like half focused there's too much stuff going on right yeah you're right in the afternoon games when it's like him and then the cardinals playing against somebody and i don't know maybe the raiders losing to somebody else as your three options then it's so much fun to watch but it got swallowed up in the excitement of other quarterbacks doing the same thing right so um i think he had two interceptions and one was called back that was also very bad.
But this is the Phil Rivers experience. This is what you get.
T.Y. Hilton had some dropsies.
And credit to the Jags, like they are by every account tanking, almost actively tanking, and they win this game. And Gardner Minshew was 19 for 20.
He looked really good too. Jay Gruden, QB Whisperer.
I wrote down, I'm only going to do one thing that Gardner Minshew makes me want to do. And this week I wrote down, he makes me want to catch a squirrel with my bare teeth and then throw a Molotov cocktail at the moon.
But he's starting to become a game manager, so I think you've got to dial back what he wants you to do. But he still makes me – that's why I wrote one thing this time.
one thing yeah okay that's just one fair that's totally so that that will be varying week to week but philip rivers i don't want to exaggerate so i'm just going to say what i truly no exaggerate he makes me believe in god philip rivers makes me believe that god exists because i'm happy you didn't exaggerate i'm not exaggerating because it he's so perfect I just love him so very deeply. And seeing him on Sundays like this is just, it makes me feel alive inside.
It gives sense to the world. Everything makes sense when Phillip Rivers is doing his Phillip Rivers fourth quarter thing.
There are very few things in life that you can be absolutely certain of and set your watch to. And this Phillip Rivers struggling to win the game and then getting upset he doesn't it's it's just nice to have something that you can depend on and he looks normal in the Colts uniform yes Brady looked weird in the Bucks uniform it's I think it's a combination of the Chargers have blue in their color scheme and he went to a blue team and also the Colts just always have big tall white immobile quarterbacks right kind of works.
I saw him and I was like, oh, that looks normal. Phil Rivers is a Colt.
What do you think Philip Rivers would do if he won a Super Bowl? I kind of don't think that he would like it. I mean, he wouldn't.
Yeah, he's not going to. No, no.
He wouldn't win one. Right.
That's what I'm saying. But if he did, I'm not so sure that he would really truly love it because he lives to get pissed off at stuff yeah it's true it's hard to get pissed off when you're king of the world he would he would definitely retire and have like four more kids that night and then come back like six years later he's no he's gonna be a great we're gonna get a story about him 20 years being like the best high school football coach in like north carolina or like second best like he loses the state championship every single year.
He just loves it. Browns-Ravens.
It doesn't seem like the Browns are going to be good again. Well, they are playing against the Ravens.
The Ravens are very, very, very good. Mark Andrews is so good.
He made some catches. But yeah, the Ravens are really, really good.
Silver lining, though, this is the exact opposite of how they started the season last year.

They beat the Ravens in the first week last year.

Did they?

Yeah.

It was one of the first maybe two weeks.

Browns haven't won week once.

Oh, that's right.

They lost the Titans.

They lost the Titans, and then they beat the Ravens.

Yeah.

But it was essentially the same Ravens team that they beat in week two.

So maybe it'll be the opposite of last year.

I do like what Stefanski did in that first quarter when he tried the dumbest possible punt fake ever.

Oh,

Thank you. That they beat in week two, so maybe it'll be the opposite of last year.
I do like what Stefanski did in that first quarter when he tried the dumbest possible punt fake ever from their own, what, like 15-yard line? So Browns. I mean, that's rugby's fault.
Yeah, it is rugby's fault. If the punter wasn't a rugby player, he would not have tried that.
Because they saw Lamar Jackson do a rugby pass earlier in the quarter, and they're like, I'll see your rugby, and I'll raise you rugby. But I kind of liked the fact that he did it,

even though it was dumb as shit and executed even worse than the idea,

because it was one of those,

like if you go to jail,

you got to do something crazy and try to fight the biggest dude there on your first day.

Stefanski's first week,

he's like,

okay,

we're going up against the Ravens who are really good on special teams and a

great team.

So I'm going to do the dumbest possible fucking thing. So that way, every other week from now when coaches are game planning for me, they're always like, this dude is liable to do something that's just insane as shit.
Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. You just set it up where everyone's like, whoa, we saw that on film.
Yeah, you can't game plan for insane. Yes, yes, it's true.
I'll do silver lining for Browns fans. They can run the football.
And if if you can run the football you'll at least be in some games i mean you played the ravens it's they're the best team not named the chiefs in the afc that's very very clear uh i also wow that was big of you i know i've said that you didn't even come close to the f word no they're not they're. They're not this year.
I don't think they are this year. Although, no, they're not.
You could be talked into it. Oh, yeah, I can absolutely.
If they lose to the Titans, you will be talked into it. If the Ravens have a game where they have to play from behind and their offense doesn't look like...
I'm not going to say the F word. I'll say a different F word.
They're frontrunners they play with a they're great with a lead i would like to see them down late and see what it looks like you know i mean like down 14 late in the third quarter right the chiefs have a totally different gear where the chiefs are never out of a game right they're backshotters so that that would be my only thing but they're very very very good harbaugh I mean, one of the best coaches in the NFL. Lamar Jackson, though, he is going to, by pure luck, someone is going to get him when he does the, like, jump, step back move.
That's eventually someone's going to get him. You've got to try to hit where he was, not where he's going to be.
Because that move makes everyone look so stupid, and I bet you someone's going to be like, I'm going to just sell out for that move

and not even try to actually tackle him,

and that will be quite a hit.

Yes.

Because he gets everyone on it.

And also when he's running out of bounds

and he just sticks the ball forward at the very end,

his last step and a half out of bounds is very slow.

I'm faster than Lamar Jackson in that step and a half

between two yards away from the sideline and the sideline. So yeah, Lamar Jackson's awesome.
The Ravens are awesome. J.K.
Dobbins is a sick addition to their team. They have seven running packs.
Mark Andrews running everywhere. Hollywood Browns.
They're good. They're very, very good.
But the Browns, don't get so down on yourself yet. If you lose on Thursday to the Bengals, time to panic.
A lot can happen. If you're Odell Beckham, you have to come out and have a bigger game.
After a week of people talking about you getting your chest shit on, you have to come out and have at least 50 yards. Yeah.
Oh, and a special fuck you to your co-host on The Dozen on Sirius and also Tuesday and Thursday on YouTube and Twitter,

Jeff D. Lowe, Browns fan,

who 10-6 muttered,

or it was 10-6 that Browns just said,

this over is cruising.

And they missed...

That's a very Jeff D. Lowe word to use as well.

They missed the extra point as cruising came out of his mouth. And you can't make those mistakes week one.
You can't say an over is cruising. We didn't have a preseason.
Gamblers didn't have a preseason. Brutal.
Brutal. So he's on the hook for that one.
You owe me one, Jeff D. Lowe.
Chargers-Bengals. I have a question.
So we'll talk about Joe Burrow. But did this game prove that Philip Rivers is bad luck? Because the Bengals lost in a Chargers way.
That was a Chargers loss. Yep.
And Phil Rivers is no longer on the Chargers. I think so.
I think we've established that just the Philip Rivers-ness follows Philip Rivers. Right.
Like if you said to me a week ago, the Chargers are going to get a pass interference call against them on a game-winning touchdown and then miss a 31-yarder in week one, you'd be like, yup. And that's already happened, hasn't it? That's a very Chargers way to lose.
That's completely different from a Lions way to lose, by the way. A Lions way to lose is you have the touchdown already, and either by force of Roger Goodell or the laws of physics, it gets taken away from us.
The Chargers, they always lose on strange technicalities. Right.
And so, yeah, it was a reversal, and then Randy Bullock went out there, missed the 31-yard field goal. 31-yarder.
I have a take about kickers. I think that the preseason – well, no, the whole lack of fans, I think, is going to affect kickers more than it's going to affect anybody else right because sometimes kickers pick one person in the crowd to try to hit the ball at yeah like kickers not having those preseason reps i think it affects them way more often having like actual under pressure kicks there were a lot of missed kicks yeah a lot of missed kicks today randy bullock also uh faked an injury i assume which i'm always i'm always a fan of that move.
If you have something embarrassing happening... Wait, hold on.
I just put this in my hand. This literally was sitting right here.
Are you kidding me? The key? So Billy Football handcuffed himself. He found a pair of handcuffs, and what's the first thing that you do when you find a pair of handcuffsuffs you see if they work by putting them around your wrist billy didn't realize they were real handcuffs so he's just stuck in these for about this was sitting hours i just started playing with this with my hands like get out of here dude this was sitting right here billy had to cut his way out of handcuffs no thank you for not telling me you had those uh billy didn't cut billy just broke the handc handcuffs to get out.
Dude, this was sitting on my desk. I just started playing with it.
We can go back and watch. Okay, it's whatever.
Are you mad at me? I'm glad that you enjoyed watching me struggle out of those handcuffs. Billy, we'll find the clip of the moment that I started just playing with this.
I didn't pull it out of my pocket. Who sees handcuffs and just handcuffs himself? I did not think there'd be real handcuffs on the table.
Sorry, what was I talking about? Oh, Randy Bullock. I'm always a fan of a player who fucks up and then immediately fakes an injury.
I think it's the greatest move you can make as a professional athlete. Especially as a kicker.
He had the best instincts ever because the second the ball left his foot, he just grabbed down towards like his mid shin. He's like, oh, I think I pulled my tibia.
There's something here, Doc. Yeah.
I'd love to see pro football Doc try to analyze what that injury was. He's going to be working for like 16 hours trying to figure out what's wrong with Randy Bull.
I bet you the – because I would imagine kickers don't have the actual – Friends? No, the team doctor. Like the team doctor doesn't look at a kicker.
No, they've got... They're like the water boy looks at a kicker.
They've got a soccer trainer that has that wet Brazilian sponge in the bucket that they bring out. The team doctor's got way bigger things going on.
So the ball boy came over and just looked at it, and Randy whispered to him. He's like, just milk this for a second.
Just look at it. I'm going to go down.
Randy Bullock also, I hate to say this, is someone who struggles with my weight, but when you make a mistake and you're fat, it's not funny anymore. You're just fat.
You're just a fat kicker. It's not a funny fat kicker like the Georgia Tech punter.
Did you see that guy? Thick boy. Thick.
He was like 280 pounds wearing shorts. That's funny because he didn't fuck up.
If he fucks up, now he's just fat. Randy Bullock is a thick boy too.
Also just the name Randy. Yes.
It's so perfect. If you hire anybody to do a job correctly and their name is Randy, you fucked up in the first place.
This was such a shock for Joe Burrow too because going fromon Rouge, where every game felt like you had 90,000 people living and dying with every pass or every run that you made, and then going to nobody in the stands in Cincinnati. In Cincinnati, Ohio.
Must have just been a completely bizarre world. But Joe played good, especially in the second half.
He played really good. Nice drive at the end.
I guarantee you that aj green went to lsu instead of georgia and he did that little push off at the end there's no chance that the refs call him for that in death valley because they are not going to walk out of death valley alive so i think having no fans actually lets the refs get away with a lot more hanky panky true true that's a good point i um no one likes to get get booed. I will say the only criticism, it's not of Joe Burrow, it's of the coach, Zach Taylor.
Yep. By the way, he could coach in the NFL for seven years, and we'll say the Bengals coach, Zach Tyler.
Yeah, you could hear the confidence in my voice was at about 25% when I said his name. Seven seconds left on the 13-yard line.
I know you have no timeouts, but Joe Burrow can – you can trust Joe Burrow that he'll – give him one last shot. Seven seconds, you have enough time for one last shot.
And Joe Burrow's the number one pick, and he's a smart guy. Like, let him take a chance there instead of playing it safe and trying to kick a field goal and having Fat Randy show show up fat randy waddle out there and then and then tear his tibial plateau badass randy yeah god damn it randy god randy um all right saints bucks his name is randy short for anything i think he got randall randall randall randall bullock he i think he probably just when he I don't know what age you become aware of your name fully, but once he became aware of his name, he's like, I have to eat.
I'm Fat Randy. You can't be Hot Randy.
Hot Randy doesn't work. Also, Bullock is a good fat person's last name.
Bullock. Yeah, Bullock.
Bullock. Yeah, it's very guttural.
I'm Randy Bullock I'm I'm an Instagram model no that doesn't work like I just imagine second grade fat Randy sitting there and they're like doing roll call and like Randy Bullock and he's like ding I'm Randy might as well just start eating Cheetos now I'm Randy Bullock and this is my diners dive-ins and drives episode about just different meat cutting stations at Golden Corral I'm Randy Bullock and and Johnny Knoxville kicking me in the balls. I'm Randy Bullock and Steve-O is going to fire a t-shirt can filled with baked potatoes at my gut.
I'm Randy Bullock. We've got a slow-mo camera.
We're going to watch my fat ripple as they hit me with a sledgehammer in the stomach. I'm Randy Bullock and I'm going to do a three-quarters gainer off this diving board into a kiddie pool full of gravy.

I just want to make it clear.

They're not laughing with me.

They're laughing at me.

Classic Randy.

Randy.

God damn it.

Fat Randy.

Saints box.

Hank?

Yes?

How do you think your boy Tom Brady looked? He looked pretty old. You used the O word.
It's the truth. I no longer have to, you know, mask my truth.
Okay, let's do the exact same game happens last year. He's on the Patriots.
They lose the exact same way, same stat line. Hank.
Offensive line stinks. He does stink.
He does have a really bad offensive line. It wasn't his fault.
No, I mean, he had to throw the ball at those. Right, you're asking me what I'd be saying.
I would be saying it wasn't his fault. It was the offensive line's fault.
The pick six was touching tribute to Jameis Winston, like seven yards behind the receiver. It was nice to see that coming from theucs a little a little sense of like a throwback to last year uh but yeah he he looked he looked pretty old today well it it actually proved that Tom Brady Drew Brees though by the way yeah you're right I am I am officially Taysom Hill's the better quarterback there maybe even Jameis but Taysom Hill's electric Drew Brees he had one good ball.
But I think they averaged four yards a play, which for Sean Payton, Drew Brees' offense, yikes. He figured out every single possible way to throw the ball within two yards of the line of scrimmage in the first half.
So Tom Brady, I think, officially can convince America of anything because I thought all the Instagram pictures and everything that he posted in the offseason of him practicing with the Bucs, I said to myself, well, Tom Brady's basically been working with these guys nonstop. It's going to be that he knows the system.
They know the system. Everything's going to be great.
I'm taking the Bucs. Turns out that's not the case.
Turns out running around in a field in Tampa is not the same as playing the New Orleans Saints in the Superdome with that defense. Also, shout out to Drew Brees.
He broke another record. There can't be any more records left for Drew Brees to break.
Are there? Aaron Andrews had a football, and they're not even giving out the shitty paper plate awards that he got last year. It was just a football with a CVS receipt wrapped around it saying, you've had the most attempts of passes.
Congrats, Rubries. Your defense sucked for 10 years.
Here's an award. At some point, he has to have the record for most records in the NFL, right? And I think that's when our brains will explode.
He's in second place right now to Brett Favre. Yes.
He's coming up quickly. So Tom Brady didn't look great, but he also clearly isn't in tune with his wide receivers and offensive line.
I don't know. I mean, I don't really know.
I did say before this game, I said whatever's going to happen this game, the opposite's going to happen for the rest of the year. So under that circumstance, Tom Brady's going to look great for the rest of the year.
Yeah, I'm just— It's the overreaction. Right.
Absolutely. I'm just very glad that Tom Brady lost lost and that the patriots won like we talked about uh i think it was last friday i needed some some sort of opposite thing to happen with those two teams so that i could make a bold take on who made the right move either leaving or moving on from tom brady it's aaron rogers mike mccarthy we got friction yes we have friction between it between those two franchises uh what's up, Jake? I just command F'd the NFL individual records,

and Breeze has 62 of them.

And who has the most?

I can do that research.

Probably Sammy Ball.

Command F Favre.

Sammy Ball probably for punts and interceptions.

Favre has around 40.

What about Peyton?

46. What about Peyton? 46.

What about Brady?

49.

This is really good radio.

Look up Baugh, Sammy Baugh.

How do you spell that?

B-A-U-G-H.

14.

That's not that many.

Sorry.

Look up Randy Bullock.

Yeah, fat Randy.

Look up fat Randy.

Yeah, so I don't think the Bucs are going to be as bad as they look today at times. They had a pretty hilarious weird play.
A very, I don't know if it's a week one weird play, but they had a face mask on that Sanders touchdown. Yeah.
And then the resulting kickoff, which was taken from the 50, they just kind of popped it up in the air. And the guy who wasn't supposed to run it back came over and tried to grab it, turned it over, and Bruce Arians is probably like, you're staying in New Orleans.
You're not coming back with the team. Those are the plays that Tom Brady has to...
What just happened? That's never happened to my team. He's not used to those type of things.
Bruce is probably going to leave himself in New Orleans. I'm going to spend the night on Bourbon Street.
Billy, as the number one Rob Gronkowski fan in the world, are you worried? I'm actually a little worried. One, he didn't run with the ball well.
Two, his blocking was subpar. He got blown back a couple times.
You broke down the film? I was watching the game. How many plus plays did he have on blocking?

Well, he got driven back a couple times.

Okay.

So he was in the backfield a lot.

He definitely, the weight loss is definitely effective. What do you think he needs to do to fix that?

I'm not sure.

Leverage?

He's got to get his, what are those pants called?

And get going.

Zubu's.

Zubu pants on.

We need you to be the Gronk film guy every single week.

I will.

Check it out. So you just watch the Bucs and just watch Gronk.
I will. Did he do anything sweet today? No.
Nothing sweet? Yeah, I was kind of disappointed. Dude, that's a bummer.
Yeah, he's going to be bummed out about that. It's a huge bummer.
The Saints defense is awesome. It looks awesome.
And I don't know. I can't wait to go back.
Drew Brees is going to just disappoint them in the playoffs. I can't wait to listen to all these takes that we have in six weeks and be like, wow, we nailed everything.
Duh. Yeah, duh.
All right, last game is – last game, Cardinals, Niners. I'm on the Kyler Murray hype train.
I'm officially – I wanted to see it once this year because I always am wary of the team that everyone talks about being like, oh my God, I'm picking the Cardinals. We had even this intern sitting in the gambling cave all day over my shoulder just chit-chatting.
And he was like, I love the Cardinals this year. They're my dark horse.
I was like, yeah, dude, you and everyone else. So that's not a dark horse.
But I'm now on the Kyler Murray hype tree. He's fucking awesome.
I'm not yet. I'm leaning back in my chair, and I'm waiting.
I'm saying Cardinals, do something to impress me. I think Kyler Murray got shorter this offseason.
He might have. He looked shorter this year.
Harder to tackle. Yeah, that's true.
There's less of him to be hit. But, yes, he's very fast.
Yes, he's a good quarterback. But I still don't think he he's good yet so the two big takeaways i had from this game well three actually thank god greg kittle is not hurt uh i was very very scared for him he's a beast built different brian baldinger have do you think he has stopped coming from the trent williams block no okay he never he's going to be like sting and Just tantric nutting for the next 10 weeks.
Yes. That's Jeff Schwartz is sitting there.
Like this is, this is the greatest Diplo concert of all time. Yeah.
It was an awesome hit. If I were the 49ers social media team, I would have done like the Quentin Nelson thing and added screams on it.
It was just like, it looked like he got shot out of a giant, uh, like boomerang that Wile E. Coyote would build for himself when he was lighting up rocket roller skates.
He just went directly at this dude and laid him the fuck out. That's what Trent Williams does probably like five, six times a year.
And I don't want to talk about how things ended in Washington because it makes me sad. That's okay.
When we should have gotten at least a first-round pick for him. But, yeah, he's probably the most fun left tackle to watch in the NFL right now.

Incredible.

Incredible block.

That's going to be – there's going to be a lot of Bix pens pointing at that,

being like, look at this.

Yeah, a lot of – On Tuesday.

A lot of videos that are shot from a cell phone of someone's computer screen

where you see, like, all the smudge marks and dirt

and then a pin pointing at the screen tapping on be like i love this guy look at this guy yes um

and then my other big takeaway was i don't want to just make this a bash houston show because we

talked about the rockets now they have to blow that up but bill o'brien the reason why you don't

trade deandre hopkins even if you hate him even if you can't get along with him even if you uh know you have to pay him you don't want to pay him the reason why you don't get rid of him is every time he has a good game you get dragged because he had a career game I think he had it was 14 catches for 151 yards and everyone was like Bill reminder, Bill O'Brien's a fucking moron. So that should be reason enough to never let a guy like that go just because it's a constant reminder.
Every time DeAndre Hopkins is going to do something special. Yes, Khalil McAfee.
I mean, this is why Belichick is Belichick. Whenever he lets someone go, he knows that they're on the other end, so he doesn't have to deal with that.
You let DeAndre Hopkins go when he has years left, and every single game that he plays for the Cardinals that he does well, you're going to be called an idiot. How awesome do you think Larry Fitzgerald feels? That he knows that he doesn't have to go out there every Sunday and die, and basically die so that they can lose by two points? Yes.
Like, now he's like, I got this dude next to me, and I'm going to chill out and let this guy go off. And his hair is awesome.
And his hair kicks ass. He's got like a mohawk of dreads.
It's incredible. I don't know how he did it.
No, I could not pull that look off. I guess that's what all that money buys.
Yeah, sick hair. Like that.
Damn it. Are we worried about the 49ers? No.
I'm worried about Jimmy Garoppolo.

I'm worried about him.

Jimmy,

what's going on?

What,

what are you afraid of?

Do you need to settle down?

You can go to counseling.

You can talk to somebody.

He's seeing ghosts a little bit,

a little bit.

I said,

I know I noticed he looked uneasy at times in the pocket.

I am also worried about Kyle Shanahan's hat.

It's getting bigger.

It's bigger than it was last year.

It looks like the,

I pretty sure that Kyle is wearing the dad hats.

is at times in the pocket. I am also worried about Kyle Shanahan's hat.
It's getting bigger. It's bigger than it was last year.
It looks like... I'm pretty sure that Kyle's wearing the dad hats that MLB came out with that had the cargo shorts on the side.
Because the girth on that dome, it looks like one of your pictures of Joe Buck. Yeah.
Just went straight on on him. Good news for the 49ers is they get the Jets next week.
That's the best medicine in the world. Everyone will be like, damn, are the 49ers back? No, they played the Jets.
Okay. That was great.
I made one more note on this. This is an important note.
There was too much red on the screen. Yeah.
It's too much. A lot of red.
Chill out with the red. A lot of red with those two teams going up against each other.
I would smash my television. All right.
Those were all the games. That was fun.
That was great. Let's do football guy of the week.

Then we have Dion.

Then we'll wrap up with the couple who's back and Billy's list. All protein bars generally taste the same, but not one bars.
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One also has other delicious flavors like Birthday maple glazed donut and blueberry cobbler find all one bars at a retailer near you or on amazon.com football guy of the week we have nominees uh actually jake why don't you tell us

the nominees why don't you go through it we'll react you did the research you get the shine

we're gonna start off in mississippi with brennan brennan pugh he's a high school coach who rents Thank you. Jake, why don't you tell us the nominees? Why don't you go through it? We'll react.
You did the research. You get the shine.

We're going to start off in Mississippi with Brennan Pugh.

He's a high school coach who rented a Lyft to watch his team's game while in quarantine.

Now, was he sick?

He was quarantining, so either contact tracing or him.

This is the guy fucking Ravel.

Mm-hmm.

What?

He said football guy. Oh, yeah.
He quotes you as a football guy. I saw that.
I was like, God damn it. I got into it with Ravel because he tweeted football guy 30 seconds before I tweeted football guy.
And I told him, this is not your content, Darren. And then he responded in some nonsensical fashion.
He's too busy, like, collecting Abraham Lincoln's pubes. And drinking non-alcoholic beer.
$81,000 for the auction. For Abraham Lincoln's pubes.
Darren Hill tweeted out a picture of Abraham Lincoln's hair. I don't know what it is about this guy and collecting pieces of presidential hair with brain matter on them, but he's fucking putting out Abraham Lincoln trading cards on Twitter on Sunday mornings where I'm trying to get amped up for football season.
Shout out to Darren Revelle, though.

I'm going to say something nice about Darren Revelle.

On Friday, I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't put an HD 4K version

of the Twin Towers coming down on his Twitter feed.

Thank you, Darren.

Thank you, Darren.

Expected that out of you.

What was the average ticket price on American Airlines that morning, Darren?

I fully expected Darren Revelle to bum us all out like he did with JFK's assassination in HD at like 7.30 in the morning. But I do respect Way to show restraint, dude.
Back to Brendan Pugh, the football coach. I like his resourcefulness that he went out there and rented a scissor lift.
A cherry picker. A cherry picker.
We're going to have – Scissor lift is – you can't say it anymore. Why? Scissoring.
Okay. It's hot though.
But you can't do it. Okay.
I won't say the S word. Cherry picker.
But I do think that we're going to see a football coach at one point this year do like the lawn chair and balloons thing where he just ties a shitload of – Yes. Of like birthday.
Yeah. He goes up and just hovers above the football field.
David Blaine. So he can watch.
Hugh Freeze is so mad about this move. He's going to do it.
Ron Rivera, probably the favorite in this week's contest, got a planned IV at halftime while fighting cancer in order to continue coaching in his debut with the Washington football team and following it up with an upset win. You could have just said, hey, guys, you want to feel like a pussy this Monday morning? Ron Rivera's battling cancer and winning football games and getting IVs at halftime.
You stubbed your toe and complained about it for a week. Yeah.
I mean, I'm telling you, this Washington football team, I don't know, it's all this crazy stuff going on at once. There's something going on there.
Peter Agabi, the University of Charlotte 49ers linebacker, for showing his excitement in insane fashion before kickoff to pump his team up.

This is more of a visual, but this guy just –

It was like the worm on steroids.

Yes, he lost his mind.

That was awesome.

Like a dog rolling around in trash.

It was like a street dance where they bounce on their back

without using their arms or legs.

Yeah.

Was he crumping?

Is that crumping?

Yeah, crumping.

Crumping. We can't say that.
Well, we can't. What's crimping? That's a gang shit.
Oh. What's the thing the chicks do with their hair? Blooding.
Oh. No, what do they do with their hair? They cut their scalp so they waters their hair.
Crimp? Crimp, yeah. Billy.
You can't say that, Billy. God damn it.

Cancel Billy.

All right, go ahead.

Sorry.

And then our final nominee, similar to Brennan Pugh, Denny Sheridan,

a 71-year-old fan in Cincinnati who put up a ladder on top of his pickup truck in order to watch a high school football game.

So good.

So good.

Interesting visual as well.

Yes.

So blog will be up 9 a.m., and then we will tweet out for you guys, the AWLs, to pick who the football guy of the week is. Thank you, Jake.
That was great. It's great to have football guy of the week back.
All these things are just makes me feel alive. It's so nice.
It's so nice to just have this. It's just so nice.
We have. We've got two games.
We got two games. By the way.
There should always be two games. If Mike Tomlin doesn't come out wearing a welding mask as his personal protective equipment, I'm going to be very upset.
I forgot to mention, did you see in the pregame they were talking about Mike Zimmer has a tinted face mask, Andy Reid face mask, but he couldn't read the play cards, so he didn't wear it. He can't read the play cards anyway.
Right. Yeah.
But he looked like Donald Sterling's girlfriend. Remember when she walked around? Yes.
When she was like hiding from the paparazzi.

Yes. Yes.
It was awesome

though. Alright.
Let's get to

Deion Sanders. We have Deion Sanders on

for 20 minutes to talk about week

one. Hey.
What's going on

there, pal? We saw you at the hockey game on. Do I

know you guys? I'm Ryan Whitney. I got a drink

named after me. Not a big deal.

Pink Whitney? That's what I

thought. See ya, fellas.
I invented the thing, you pigeon. Pink Whitney for legendary moments.
Okay, Deion Sanders. Okay, we now welcome on our good friend Deion Sanders.
We're going to have him on on Sunday nights for about 20 minutes. Catch up on the NFL slate.
Prime, good to talk to you. I want to start with what will probably be the big story coming out of Sunday, the Bucs losing to the Saints and Tom Brady maybe looking a little old.
What was your takeaway from watching that game and how Brady and Breeze looked? I didn't think he looked old. I think they didn't execute.
I know what Brady demands demands from his receivers I know what he likes from his offense and with the lack thereof of a running game and remember when you were here I told you those Saints corners those two corners are really good and Janoris Jenkins paid dividends I knew he would he he's they have two number one corners man and they made it hard on those receivers outside for the Bucs. Okay, and so a follow-up question, which I thought maybe he didn't look old, but I thought an interesting part of the game was the Bucs making mistakes that you never saw the Patriots make.
And you probably played on teams that, buttoned up and didn't make the small mistakes.

You probably played on teams that did make the small mistakes. How does that affect you as a player, especially one of the best players on the team, to maybe see those mental errors happen? We saw it on the kickoff.
The mental errors happen that kind of deflate the locker room and deflate the momentum you're trying to get going. One thing about it, when you collect, what, 53, 50 or 60 men in one room,

it's going to be some stupidity that happens. I promise you, you're going to see some stupid stuff that happens.
The thing that I'm alarmed at the most is, where was Gronk? Have anybody seen Gronk? Can somebody find Gronk, please? Because there's no way you don't make him a viable asset to your offense, especially in game one. These guys can't deal with Gronk.
He did a great job blocking, but you didn't bring Gronk back to be a darn blocker. Put another lineman out there to do that.
Let Gronk be Gronk. And I noticed that almost right off the bat, they got into it with Mike Evans.
And Mike Evans is a dude that he's got into fights against the Saints before. That's kind of in his past.
From your perspective, as a defensive back, if there's a dude like that out there, are you thinking to yourself, like, I'm going to try to get under this guy's skin early and make him commit a dumb personal foul? Well, he was going against one of the Pro Bowl type corner as well, and these guys have a personal battle. They play yellow twice a year.
Anytime you play another person twice that's a caliber like Mike Evans, you've got to try to get in him because you don't want him having a mental edge like, hey, man, I'm going to hoop you for the rest of your career twice a year, every year, only year. And that's the kind of battle that they have.
I love it. It's respectful, but they go each and every game they play against each other they go at it's always funny because those guys they uh they throw punches at each other while they're wearing helmets and i always laugh when i see that have you ever been hit like with a closed fist when you're wearing a helmet it probably can't have blows wearing it have you see my hands yeah you see the way these hands look That means I'm putting them hands on some people in my life.
I'm pretty good with these things. Were you able to ever injure somebody just by punching them through their helmet? No, that don't.
Because you're hitting the helmet. You're going to break your hand on a face mask or something like that unless you're real accurate up under the chin.
Mayweather-like. Yeah.
All right, so the other big story we're going to have, Tom Brady's old team,

Cam Newton, looked good, ran the ball 15 times, though.

What was your takeaway from that game, and do you think, like,

that can't be sustainable?

It's good to see he's healthy.

Running it 15 times means he's healthy, fully healthy for the first time

in a long time.

But if he's running it 15 times a game, that's a lot of times in a 16-game season.

What I saw today, glaringly, was the Patriots' defense is not the defense

Thank you. But if he's running it 15 times a game, that's a lot of times in a 16-game season.
What I saw today glaringly was the Patriots' defense is not the defense of last year. What I saw offensively, I love what they did with Cam.
They allowed Cam to play the whole game between the hash marks. He barely threw the ball outside the hash, barely took shots vertical.
Cam played everything safe and sound right between the hash marks and i love the great game plan that does not look nothing similar to the old patriot offense that's cam newton's offense that they're running and i'm happy they made that adjustment for cam yeah i actually think with cam newton he plays his best when he's having fun and so you get him going by letting him run the ball and by doing you know on fourth and one when they had Tom Brady up there they would just call that QB sneak over the center with Cam they were like okay we're gonna snap it deep to you let you get a running start hit somebody then you're gonna start to be comfortable then then maybe we can expand the passing game once you start playing with that sort of confidence did you see Cam start to like come alive at the end of the game? Well, anytime you allow Cam to RPOs, run pass options, man, it's unbelievable. That's so tough.
You don't block the end. The end has to go with the back.
And he got to stay out there for Cam. And Cam is just reading one.
It's a one-guy read. And they did.
They executed it perfectly today. Cam was Cam the day.
That's what we wanted. That's what we thrived on.
That's what's going to take this team to the the next level but I pray to God that defense steps up even a little more they play good but not like we're accustomed to seeing them play right you and I uh straightened some stuff out last time that we talked you you are on the record as being an elite tackler so if you are faced with Cam Newton coming downhill at Deion Sanders a man who carries a hit stick in his pocket how are you taking taking out Cam Newton? Well, most likely if I was playing against Cam, I'd probably be on the best receiver. That's what I was paid handsomely to do, one-on-one.
But if you want to take me off him to elevate my game even more so, I would try to just blow his kneecap out. That's what I would do, full speed.
Let's go get him. All right, so what was your other biggest takeaway?

Do you want to say that you were wrong about Mitch Trubisky if I say I was wrong about Baker Mayfield

at least for one week? First of all, that was

a garbage game. That was a trash game.
Which one?

That game that you just mentioned.

Detroit versus Chicago.

Great game. Mr.
Fourth Quarter, Mitch Trubisky.

Great game for people who like scoring. I'm a defensive guy.

I don't like all that scoring. Great game for

Mitch Trubisky, you say? I think it was a garbage game.

I think both teams tried to figure out who could out-stink each other.

Just like San Diego.

What's the quarterback's name?

Tyrod Taylor.

What does he bring? I like Tyrod. I really do as a person.

But I've never sat there and said, man, I can't wait to see Tyrod play today. Like, does he make them better? Why wait? Put the other guys in.
Like the Dolphins. Man, put the guy in.
Yeah. Why are we waiting with Fitzpatrick? Man, put Tua in the game.
What are you waiting on? There already ain't nobody in the crowd. How worse can it be? That's true.
That's what Fitzpatrick and Terod do. They are like the perfect bridge quarterback.
While your rookie quarterback is learning a system for the first three or four games, you put Terod in, and then you take him out, and then now your future's here. That's what Terod's done for the last three and a half, four years.
But you're not going to win. It's not exciting.
All the receivers are mad because they're not getting their numbers. They're not getting their stats.
Speaking of that, how's Baker doing? Okay, that was a bad game. The Ravens are really fucking good.
They're really, really fucking good. No, no, no.
Don't just say the Ravens are good. Can you say that guy that sits behind the center, can you please say he's really good? J.K.
Dobbins, he's very good. I like J.K.
Dobbins. No, Lamar Jackson is very, very good.
Baker was not good. I don't – I mean, the Browns, I don't know why I believe.
Maybe – you know, that's a tough game to play. They're playing against the best team outside of the Kansas City Chiefs in the AFC, right? That's a tough game to start with.
Not from what you guys said the other day. I tried to tell you that, but you didn't want to ride with me.
I had the horse and buggy all sitting over, you know, the big motorcycle with the little motorcycle seat on the side. I was welcoming you to jump in there.
You didn't want to jump. All right, I'll hop in with you now.
Can I hop in? Is that seat still there? It's still there. It's still there.

So the

Browns now play on Thursday night.

Why?

Why would we want to see them as a

nation?

It's the battle

for Ohio, right? Who's the idiot

that put the basketball playoffs

against the NFL? Ain't nobody

care about basketball anymore right now.

Seriously, I had no idea that game was even

being played. I was shocked when the Nuggets

Thank you. that put the basketball playoffs against the NFL.
Ain't nobody care about basketball anymore right now. Seriously, I had no idea that game was even being played.
I was shocked when the Nuggets won. I was like, wait, five hours later, like, wait, the Nuggets won? That was crazy.
Ain't nobody care. Who was an idiot that decided to go against the NFL in week one? I agree.
I agree. It's a lot of sports.
There was hockey going on and everything. All right, so what other big things did you know? I mean, overall, did you think that the level of play was, was like pretty good for no training camp? It was good.
It was really good. The level of play was really good.
It wasn't a lot of this bad football. It was some good football out there.
I love the bills. I told you, I love the bills.
I love what they bring to the table. I really think they're going to win that division.
Shoot. Russell, last name Wilson.
Did you see the fourth? Yes. When you take a shot on fourth down, fourth and five, they took a shot for six? Oh, my God.
That was beautiful. He had the guy running a cross around on first down to get the first down, but he took the shot deep, man.
I love it. They're going to be tough to deal with.
Yeah. What about the Washington football team, Deion? I heard you speak a little disrespect on the Washington football team.
You were very disrespectful. You were also disrespectful to the Eagles, to be fair.
But the football team has football. Do you see why? I do see why.
Do you see why? I also think that the football team has football players on defense. Eight sacks today.
Am I going to hurt myself by getting my hopes up? Because I'm thinking 7-8-1 minimum, maybe even 8-8. So I've got very lofty expectations.
No, stay right there. 7-8-1.
Stay right there. That's where we're at.
I told him about Philly, and I told him why. I would not ride with Philly unless you bring foes back.
I'm not riding with Philly, and you know why. Carson Wentz was very bad today.
I could sit back there and take eight sacks. Who sits back there and say, hey, come sack me eight times? Who does that? Throw the dirt the way.
I'm not going to even tell you to text me. My phone is bouncing, man.
Right now with receivers. Go to me.
Go to me. All right.
So, all right. I have one last question.
Did you talk to Odell after today's game? Did he say it was similar to getting shit on your chest? Anything like that? I mean, it's got to be the same feeling. Hey, the kid wants to win, man, like really bad.
Like it's frustrating when you constantly lose and the kid wants to win. That's all I want to disclose.
The kid really, really wants to win and it hurts. Like it really hurts.
Yeah, he's got to do something different. Maybe if he hasn't been getting his chest shit on, maybe now it's time.
Switch everything up. They throw him the ball, something like that.
That's true. Accurately, something like that may help.
One or the other, yeah. Dion, thank you for joining us.
We're about to watch Cowboys Rams. I'm going to give you one last chance to say that the turf actually is, in fact, fast.
i dave i really think my picks are really going well right now because i don't know where we stand because you know so used to winning and everything so i don't know where we stand but i'm pretty sure my picks are really going well right well any pick that i lost i think both lost you well dion has the old uh nfl network thing where he doesn't pick against the spread. He just picks winners.
Yeah.

And then one person gets like the top dog award.

Yeah.

They're like, I went 90 and five on the season.

I'm amazing at this.

You win or you lose.

Hey, give me five yard head start.

Like they don't race like that.

They don't do that.

All right.

So, but you're on the record saying that the turf is not fast.

Is that what I'm hearing?

Yeah.

He doesn't think fast turf exists. You don't understand that people have done studies on this turf, Dion.
They know the type of rubber pellets that exist in that turf. It's faster.
I thought it was from tires, like old Goodyear tires. Yes.
Yeah, from really fast tires. Yes.
From like race car tires. So why don't you put fast grass in your front yard then? I might.
I might. Just run laps back and forth and show off.

You should do that.

I think that would be expensive.

Why didn't you guys disclose that 40 that was run that I saw?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, newsflash, Deion's faster than every blogger ever.

Yeah.

Never saw that one coming.

Was he quizzing?

Did you see the running form, though, that he had? How can you guys not give me that tape before? That's not fair. You got to teach us how to run, okay? You'll teach us how to run.
I don't need any help from Dion. I'm faster than DK Metcalf.
I would like you to teach me how to run. Dion, thank you, man.
We'll see you later this week. All right, buddy.
God bless. All right, see you, man.
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That's ZipRecruiter.com. All right, let's wrap up.
We have who's back of the week, and then we will finish up. Probably running long.
Great to have Monday football back. Hank, you want to do Who's Back of the Week real quick? Sure, I got a bunch of Who's Backs.
We talked about it quickly, but Game 7 basketball is back. People, for whatever reason, they decided to schedule Game 6 at 1 o'clock on the first NFL Sunday of the year.
Yeah, shout out to Nuggets. Shout out to the Nuggets.
I really hope they don't win, though. Like, that would suck.
As far as I'm concerned, this game didn't happen, so I'm going to be very confused if the Nuggets... What? If the Nuggets win, they deserve it.
Yeah, but it would suck. Why? Lakers, Clippers.
Everyone wants it. Yeah, but if the Nuggets beat the Clippers, they have...
I don't know. Do they have the right? Do the Nuggets have the right to advance just because they beat the Clippers in a seven-game series? Fuck it.
I'm rooting for the Nuggets now. Jeez.
I'm rooting for the Nuggets. That would be a virtual guarantee for a five-game gentleman sweep.
No. No.
Yeah. No.
Yeah. That was crazy that they did that game then.
How can you – how would you not do – like, it would be better to do that game on Monday afternoon. Yeah, a million other times.
Also, with the NBA, this league, just Giannis unfollowing all his teammates on Instagram. Russell Willisberg trying to fight Rajon Rondo's brother.
This league is back. This league is so back.
I actually had a this league as well that was not about this league. But did you guys see Dan Orlovsky's tweet the other other day i certainly did not it was ultimate well okay i mean i i only noticed it because it was the ultimate this league he oh fuck i gotta find it i've never seen someone tweet angstier like teenager stuff was about house no i've no no one knows what it's about it was it was the cryptic tweet that everyone replied and be like dude someone got a radio show that he was wanting something like that because it was like everyone's like what are you talking about right now what's going on man uh i think he's i think it was like don't ever forget those that lied to you or something like that and i was like what let's go dan yeah this league emo rolovsky yeah get it league, baby.
I have an update to why they may have made the 1 o'clock game. Basketball.
They're not going to like this. No.
The U.S. Open final was always slated for 4 p.m.
Oh, who cares about tennis? Yeah, but it was game seven. Dude, tennis is so...
Match five. Oh, it was...
Never forget the ones that lie to you. I won't.
Oh, wow. Everything.
Everything. Okay.
Dude, this motherfucking league. Then my other last quick who's back is melatonin.
We were sitting in here in the studio earlier getting ready for the show. No one was even talking.
Billy just said this. No one even answered him or said anything to him, but I just wrote it down because I kind of want to wait to follow up.
He just he goes uh apparently people are vaping melatonin now i i was scrolling through my instagram and like one of those instagram ads and they were like vape melatonin get tasty melatonin to your brain and faster than a pill i was like yo they're vaping melatonin is one of the the greatest hoodwinks that so yeah i can't fall asleep without four pills of it but they give you fucked up dreams i guess you can vape it you can vape it dude and i definitely can fall asleep without it but i tell myself i can't i have never enjoyed a single dream that i've had on melatonin is that why is does it fuck up your dreams yeah it messes up your dreams big time yeah some popping three tree must better much better that's right. True.
That's it. If a company wants to really get their product moving off the shelves and their sleep aid, just say like 90% of the time you have sex dreams on our product.
Every night. Every single night.
And during the day. Yeah.
It just turns you into a 13-year-old dude. It's virtual reality sex.
Yeah. All right.
PFT, who's your who's back? My who's back of the week is drunk ideas, because I had a drunk idea when I wasn't even drunk. This is actually a good one.
I hope you guys weren't drunk. No, it's September.
I didn't even. Four beers.
I drank one beer. I had two of mine.
Sounds like you've been drinking more than four beers, Frank. I had two of mine.
I'm at three. They were IPAs.

They were IPAs.

Double IPAs.

I'm at two on the month, but the one that I had on Friday was 36 ounces. Okay.
But it was one bottle. Mine was – my one on Friday was three high nudes.
Okay, nice. But I drank it fast enough.
Mine was just Everclear. Oh.
Okay. That's one of my favorite types of beer.
but my drunk idea from Friday was

I'm getting really into eating

full pints of the low-fat ice cream all the time what is it called uh there are like seven different that's one of them no that one's bullshit don't eat that i'm not doing free ads no just don't eat that it doesn't taste it's like shaved ice but here's what my idea was this is a perfect idea tell me how it could possibly go wrong come out with a uh low-fat ice cream say it's like 250 calories per pint but just put real ice cream in it and people are gonna eat it be like holy shit this tastes amazing for low yeah it is um who did that seinfeld and what what episode was that frozen yogurt frozen yogurt episode oh well i'm talking about the new low-fat ice cream

crazes where it says that it's ice cream just fill it up with real ice cream and then everybody be like hey this tastes like real real ice and nobody would ever catch you yeah that's a seinfeld episode all right i just wrote a seinfeld up there you go i don't want to i don't want to is also what you're describing because it looks to let you eat tolenty ever what's that it's it's It's basically, I think it's, is it gelato?

It's got the clear container.

It looks like an ice cream.

I'll seen that. Mine was Breyer's low-fat, low-cal.
Yeah, see, Talenti doesn't even say low-fat, low-cal. It looks classier, so you assume that it's not.
And you can see the ice cream. When you can see it, you're like, oh, that can't be ice cream.
It's basically water. Yeah, right.
Uh-huh. And then it's, like, pretty much Ben & Jerry's.
Okay. Yeah, I have seen that.
I have seen that, Jake. Yeah, that's a lot, too.
Okay. I'm in.
I don't want to. Because I just get to eat regular ice cream.
Yeah. You can also do the same thing with non-alcoholic beer.
Yes. People be like, I love this stuff for some reason.
It gets me not drunk, but drunk. I can drive better on it.
Feels good. We'll save it for another time.
You guys can remind me, but I'll just kind of give you a quick pitch. Tesla for tables.
Tesla. So there's never any wobble.
Wait, Tesla? What does Tesla have to do? I'll explain later. Continue PFT.
No, for tables. Think on it.
You can't just toss that out there. Is it a napkin that you can put on the table? Is it electric so it always balances? All right, so you know how Tesla can feel the road so it knows where to go? It's not like it goes right or goes left.
It feels like its surroundings. Adjustable tables.
But it's technology, so it's not like adjustable tables where it's like you can raise it or you can lower it. The table itself feels the surface around it and then adjusts so that there's never any wobble.
Okay, I don't want to be – Every restaurant has tables. All those tables wobble.
All the ways that you have to fix it aren't as good as mine. But I don't want to be a poo-pooer here, but once you have a table and you put it on, like you don't really, it's just there.
So you can fix it. It's not like riding, when you drive with Tesla, you're driving new roads all the time.
Like if you buy a table, you put it down. Oh, this isn't flat.
Okay, let me fix it. Then you fixed it.
That table would be flat for the next 50 years. How come every restaurant I go to, I have a wall-to-table table? You got to go to better restaurants.
Or start bringing your own sugar packets with you and put those underneath the legs of them. How about invest in Tesla, hope the stock goes up, and then you can afford better restaurants? No.
Fix is the exact same problem. This is the next Tesla.
Or just eat Chicago Italian beef sandwiches all the time and use your elbows. Yeah, just stand.
Tesla for elbows. You stand and you eat it kind of over the table.
How many restaurants do you know? How many of them have tables? Chili's. I can name seven restaurants off the top of my head.
Five Guys. Chili's.
Dave and Buster's. That's two.
Soon enough people won't go to restaurants unless they have these tables. You can get in now.
What about just a matchbook or... That's old.
That's the old caveman way. You know what? Fuck it.
I'm in on a caveman. You sound like an absolute boomer.
Listen, part of the pitch idea is you've got to poke holes into it. I think that I've sufficiently poked all the holes in it.
All right, Tesla for tables. Done.
How much does each table cost? It depends on manufacturing. We're working on that.
I got a couple quotes. Each table costs $15,000.
And they all break right away. That would truly be Tesla.
All right, my who's back is no hitters. Alec Mills threw a no hitter for the Cubs today, and no one knew because it was a no-hitter.
Same thing as Dallas Braden. We actually were laughing because it was the least swing and misses for a no-hitter or perfect game since Dallas Braden.
Five. Which is such a backhanded way of saying, like, you got a no-hitter, but you kind of suck.
BAPIP was really low. Yeah.
But credit to Alc Mills. The Cubs are back and yeah, no hitter.
Another bonus who's back is American Ninja Warrior being on TV while we're getting delirious at the end of recording part of my take. Yes, yes.
There's no way that they're making new episodes of that, right? Kristen Leahy I've never seen on it and she was just hosting that one. No.
You've seen her? Yeah, always. Oh, I guess you're paying attention a lot more to her than I am.
There's that Zeke. No, I'm just here later on Sunday night, so I watch the runs and then the reruns.
Feed. Feed me.
It looks like he got a fanny pack tattooed across his navel. Go, Billy.
My Who's Back of the Week is chain snatching. There's been some chain snatching in the NFL.
Crabtree and Talib, if you remember. They tried it on Cam Newton.
They tried it on Cam Newton. Thank you for taking my who's back, Hank.
Who tried it on? I was pretty mean, Hank. Yeah, I was waiting.
Who tried it on? No, um. I'll take that back.
Thank you. Okay, so Cam Newton, they tried to snatch his chain at the end of the game.
Oh, is that the Kyle Van Nooyen? Did it work out? Yeah. No, they didn't take his chain.
He said the two chains. And, um, they were, you know that's why cam newton was going nuts at the end of the game if you saw and uh he was getting like trying to fight half the team and it was kind of like what are you doing but someone tried to snatch his chain i think i'm on the side of the dolphins here because if cam newton just runs over your face for 60 minutes like you'd at least want to take home something to remember it by yeah grab whatever you can so good job who's back the week good job uh all right that is our show uh we have dan patrick on wednesday get excited football is back this has been a honor and a pleasure i feel so reinvigorated guys yeah feels fucking great god is real oh thank you uh oh yeah we got pick one number.
Pick number and Billy do you have a 7 Big Cat and PFT are playing Jenga today Yeah we're playing Jenga at what 1pm 2pm Got it Billy do you have an animal fact Yes so sharks never sleep and they always swim But dolphins sleep with half their brain And they use the other half to be awake and they shut off half

at a time so they also kind of never

stop

17

oh my god I was going to be so mad

that's a short 7 on the front side

love you guys

I'm getting there

when you

masturbate think about my tongue oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, dick to my tongue. Dick to my tongue.
Dick to my tongue. Dick Dictimata Switching back and forth From magic to my tongue I'm getting there When you're about to beat Think about my tongue Oh Your clit and Switching back and forth Switching back and forth From my dick To my tongue Dick to my tongue Dick to my tongue Dick to my tongue, dick to my tongue

Dick to my tongue

Switching back and forth

From magic to my tongue Thank you.