Rob Schneider, Dungeons And Dragons, NBA Playoffs And B1G Football Is Back

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Speaker 4 On today's part of my take, we have the return of Tim Woods. Dungeons and Dragons with Tim Woods.
We have Rob Schneider. Great interview with Rob Schneider.
Talk a little boner dogs, of course.

Speaker 4 We talk some NBA playoffs. Game seven was tonight, the Slop Fest.
Good defense, bad offense, whatever you want to call it.

Speaker 4 Recap also, the Rockets choking yet again.

Speaker 4 And we're going to get to all that in a second. But before we do that, part of my take is brought to you by...

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Speaker 4 Okay, let's go.

Speaker 4 Now in the streets, there is violence.

Speaker 4 And then I love the song before you be done.

Speaker 4 Low paper and I love washing

Speaker 4 And then I can't name all of the sun Oh no, we're gonna rock down to Elite Trick Avenue

Speaker 4 And then we'll take it higher

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Speaker 6 Welcome to Part of My Take presented by the Cash App.

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Speaker 4 Today is Tuesday, September 2nd. Wednesday.
Wednesday, September 2nd. It is Tuesday, but it's Wednesday, September 2nd.
Holy shit, we're in September.

Speaker 6 Wake me up in September, baby. Wait, yeah, somebody wake the guy up from Green Day.
It is. It doesn't feel like September.
What's that, Hank? Wake that guy up when it ends.

Speaker 6 Wake him up now.

Speaker 4 I got something to say to you, Maggie. It's late September.
We'll wait for that.

Speaker 6 Billy's going back to to school. All right, so we're here.

Speaker 7 Late

Speaker 7 early September, what? The 21st night of September.

Speaker 6 I do. I remember that, yeah.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 6 Burn it down.

Speaker 4 I'm losing it. Earthwind and fire.
Oh. Okay.

Speaker 4 September 11th, never forget.

Speaker 4 Dude. Okay.

Speaker 4 Let's start this whole show. No, dude, that's it.

Speaker 4 Don't fucking forget it.

Speaker 6 Never would. You're right.

Speaker 4 Right. All right.
Game seven. Game seven.
Game seven was sloppy. Game seven was sloppy.

Speaker 4 Also good defense. We had the lowest, I think it was the lowest playoff game since like 2010.
Of course, I had the over, whatever.

Speaker 4 But the Nuggets advance. Jamal Murray, I think he was hurt a little bit.
Donovan Mitchell had his third quarter where he went off. It was...

Speaker 4 It was a crazy, crazy ending to an insane series. Not exactly how we expected it to go, a series that was like fast-paced, scoring left and right.

Speaker 4 It ended up being a throwback to like the Pistons and Spurs, but that ending with Mike Conley missing a buzzer beater after I don't know why they were shooting the layup was insane.

Speaker 6 It was crazy. Yeah, the three at the end hit like three rims.
It hit all these. It was basically Kawhi's shot if it didn't go in.

Speaker 6 It was an ugly game. I went back and looked at the box score.
The Nuggets went over seven minutes without scoring a point. Yes.
That's impossible to do.

Speaker 6 My only theory is that they don't have their legs right now because they've been fucking, because their wives are there.

Speaker 4 Well, Jamal Murray, we know they're able to do it. We deleted that video.
The internet deleted that video.

Speaker 6 I forgot it. I totally forgot about it.

Speaker 4 My girlfriend, Variety,

Speaker 4 she asked, if you have the video, delete it. And we all said, okay.

Speaker 6 Yeah. I'm just upset that we're not going to get Quinn Snyder.
Out of this series, there's one thing that I wanted moving forward, and that's just more shots of Quinn Snyder on the sidelines.

Speaker 4 Quinn in his little skinny jeans.

Speaker 6 Yeah, Quinn Snyder. Everyone says that he looks coked out.
I don't think that, I think he looks like, I think he looks like he used to be coked out. Yeah.

Speaker 6 He looks like the neighbor He looks like Jordan Belfort's neighbor who comes over to complain about the Coke parties. He's like, maybe I'll just do one line and toss a dwarf.

Speaker 4 Totally normal, totally normal.

Speaker 4 Look, also, I just have a big place in my heart for Jokic because when you can hit a hook shot in 2020 and have the big man moves, and Rudy Gobert is so fucking good defensively, I just, I love that.

Speaker 4 I mean, he had the game-winning shot with that, with that

Speaker 4 right-handed hook shot. And the game, it was crazy.
It was terrible, but it was also good and thrilling. And I guess

Speaker 4 that's definitely the best series of round one, even though we still have a game seven going tomorrow, which I'm just sick. We'll get to the Rockets in a second.

Speaker 4 The Rockets are like the Clippers when I was like, blow this thing up.

Speaker 4 That's what the Rockets are now. I feel sick of the Rockets.

Speaker 6 I feel like if this wasn't a Game 7, we would be like, get these teams out of my face.

Speaker 4 But since it was a Game 7, now we're going to the excuse of like both teams were amped up and had that playoff level in terms of gas missing but in reality it was just a shitty game there was there was there was a stretch where it was like five or six straight shots open shots where guys were just barely grazing the front of the rim it was really bad it looked like there was a stretch where it looked like every pickup basketball game is going to look like when people can start playing pickup basketball again but since it was game seven you know like the crowd was a little bit more intense there was all this stuff that added up to being like a heightened atmosphere all right before we get to the other series quick question

Speaker 4 Jamal Murray and Donovan Mitchell hug afterwards. They've known each other for a long time.
Louisville, Kentucky

Speaker 4 rivalry.

Speaker 4 If you're Donovan Mitchell, like I always think of the guy who loses in that situation, I would deny the hug. I'd be like, get the fuck out of my face.
It was a quick hug.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but I'd be like, get out of my face.

Speaker 6 You know what it was like?

Speaker 6 It was like a Jake Marsh, Hank Lockwood post-game in ping-pong. Whoever wins is always the very first over to be like, hey, that was a great game, guys.

Speaker 4 I just,

Speaker 4 like that.

Speaker 6 If you get beat by somebody and they're like very eager to say congratulations.

Speaker 4 Oh, such a great battle. It's like, no, get out of my face, please.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it was a little bit quick, but calling it.

Speaker 4 It's only a poor sport.

Speaker 6 That's fine. I think that the Nuggets are going to get smoked next round.
Yeah. I don't care how many itches they have on their teams.

Speaker 4 Clippers minus

Speaker 4 a million units. Clippers game one.
My computer's now playing.

Speaker 4 He's playing the one highlight.

Speaker 6 It's going to be a quick highlight.

Speaker 4 All right, so other series. We have Rockets blowing it.
The Rockets. Dude, Russell Westbrook.

Speaker 7 They're the new Clippers.

Speaker 4 Russell Westbrook, like, being Russell Westbrook and just making comical errors down the stretch. And then James Harden.

Speaker 4 Will James Harden ever get in shape?

Speaker 7 No. I mean, he was late to the bubble.
I know what I'm saying. Because he was out of shape.
He showed up super fat.

Speaker 4 And he's not, like, he's not fat. No, he's fat.
But he does that. Like, he'll do it in a game.
He'll drive really hard to the hoop.

Speaker 4 And then the next, like, three plays be like, I'm not running up and down. But you know what? And I'm taking a few plays off.

Speaker 6 You know how it is with hotel life? I guarantee you that Hardens the same way. He went to the bubble.
He's like, oh, I'm going to a hotel. I'll pack my workout gear, and I'm never going to take it.

Speaker 4 My extra shoes. Exactly.

Speaker 6 I'll wake up at 7 a.m. and go for a three-mile run on the treadmill.
It never happens. He just stays in his room and jerks off three times.

Speaker 4 And Chris Paul, this league, Chris Paul was unbelievable, did the stare down, which wasn't really a stare-down.

Speaker 6 Well, with Chris Paul, you can never really tell.

Speaker 7 He had a Mitch Trubisky throw when all the receivers were supposed to do that.

Speaker 4 Come on, Hank.

Speaker 6 Because it's a similar situation where the screen cap you have to the screen cap was worse than the actual you have to i'm defending it you have to pace yourself with a mitch trubisky reference a whole season come on man now that now it's you know what now the first three times i make a mitch trubisky joke it's old hat it's going to be old hat it's old hat i have to power through the first three references and get to the point where it's funny because it's so old again chris paul though is correct chris paul's personality makes you forget how good a basketball he is because he's the worst anytime yeah people in the nuts anytime the guy is cheap but he's awesome if if the guy that can most closely impersonate you is the dude from fresh prince of bel-air then it just it goes to show then maybe you're not an elite athlete anymore although i still think he would be you know a top three top four u.s men's soccer player yes easily hank

Speaker 4 a moment to talk about the celtics and marcus smart shooting five marcus smart i Marcus Smart being the guy who like, if he hits one shot, you know he's taking two, and then it

Speaker 4 rolled into five.

Speaker 7 Well, in the past five years, it's, you know, like five years ago, he was like to never shoot, but he would shoot all the time.

Speaker 7 And he's just, he's just shot his way into being a good shooter, which is beautiful to see.

Speaker 4 But if he hits one, you know he's going to take it again right away. Yes.
And it just rolled into five in a row. And it was like, holy shit.

Speaker 6 There's absolutely no difference in Marcus Smart's body language when he's just made five three-pointers or when he's just airballed five three points whatsoever.

Speaker 6 If he just makes them, he's just, he's mad that they didn't count for more than three. Yes.

Speaker 4 Hank, championship?

Speaker 7 I don't see I don't see who's beating them.

Speaker 6 Okay, definitely not the Bucs because they stink. Yeah, and by the way, the Bucks aren't beating the heat.
Jimmy Butler, I think we're witnessing the emergence of a top 20 player in the NBA.

Speaker 4 I am fully on board. Come on.

Speaker 6 Where has this guy been his entire career? Because he woke up. Dude, he's awesome.
And the quote that they had from yesterday was even better when he said, no disrespect to families.

Speaker 6 But if it were up to me, we wouldn't even be bringing in the wives and the children because this is a business trip. It's for guys only.
He went full Mike Milbury. Yeah.

Speaker 6 And so he went Dude's Rock, right, Bubba?

Speaker 4 So, you actually, you're going to say Jimmy Butler might be good?

Speaker 6 I think now Jimmy Butler is a top 20 NBA player. I think

Speaker 6 it's the culture down in Miami. Wow, that's big of you.
Yeah, I mean, well, listen, if the shoot is...

Speaker 4 Dude, he's fucking awesome.

Speaker 4 He is.

Speaker 4 Dude, I love Jimmy Butler. Okay, no, you don't.
I actually do now.

Speaker 6 I think he's very good.

Speaker 4 Just from last night.

Speaker 6 Well, and he was really good on the 76ers, too.

Speaker 4 Jimmy Butler's a guy who just has an edge. Like, he will be like, fuck you to everyone and win a game in a playoffs or win a playoff series.
Maybe not a playoff series. He hasn't done that a bunch.

Speaker 4 But he will be like, fuck you. I'm going to be the best player on the court tonight.
And I love Jimmy Butler. I still,

Speaker 4 yeah, the Timberwolves thing was weird. The Sixers thing was weird.
The Bulls, the front office deserves all the blame for that one. So, Jimmy Butler, you're cool.

Speaker 6 I do like the slogan, no disrespect to families, before you say anything else after that. It's the anti-LeBron as a father of three.

Speaker 4 You liking Jay-Butt is going to be the ultimate turn of 2020.

Speaker 6 Am I going to mush Jaybutt, though?

Speaker 4 No, I don't think so. I don't think so.
Well, I was throwing it out there earlier today.

Speaker 7 He is on your heat, too.

Speaker 4 Yeah, your heat.

Speaker 4 If you

Speaker 4 listed wing players, so it's hard to say because it's positionless basketball in the NBA now, but if you had to list wing players that you want to take the last shot and defend the last shot, the list is like,

Speaker 4 obviously you throw LeBron in there if you want to call him a wing, but like Kawhi, Paul George, Clay Thompson, and Jimmy Butler. And I take Jimmy Butler over Paul George.

Speaker 4 It's not a long list of guys who fit that mold of like, take the last shot, defend the last shot. You're that dude.
Jason Tatum. Jason Tatum's on the way, yes.
He's really good.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Jimmy Butler.

Speaker 6 I'm just saying, like, he feels like a guy that is so, he's the one who's most fine, not necessarily with being in the bubble, but he wants to prove that he's more mentally tough than everybody else.

Speaker 6 So he's like that guy that'll stay in the sauna for too long and be like, I'm fine. What are you guys doing?

Speaker 4 He Probably is more mentally tough than that.

Speaker 6 Yeah, and meanwhile, he's like, his skin is cooking, but he's like, you know what? I don't care. I can do it.

Speaker 7 And B coming off Twitter. He has a tweet the other month, and he was sub-tweeting like that.

Speaker 4 That was great. When you gave $200 million to Tobias Harris and now Horford, that's got to hurt.
To watch Jimmy Butler do that.

Speaker 6 That's great. How much did they give to Horford?

Speaker 4 $240 million. I mean, it's the when Horford opted out.
for the Celtics being like, wait, who else is going to give you money? Oh, like six years?

Speaker 4 Four years, $109.

Speaker 4 And what's Tobias Harris? This has now become a bash Philly. Sorry, Philly.
You won the Flyers one tonight, so congrats on that. Five years, 180.
Oh,

Speaker 4 five years, 180 for Tobias.

Speaker 6 Sometimes you got to be patient in this league, man. You got to trust the process.

Speaker 4 Oh, that makes Zach Levine four years

Speaker 7 look awesome. The Fred Van Fleet contract he's going to get will also be disgusting.

Speaker 4 Yes. Fred Van Vleet's got a Fred Van Viet's got a great booty.

Speaker 6 Yeah, he's good. Like

Speaker 6 he's the PJ Tucker of Canada.

Speaker 4 He gets space with that booty.

Speaker 6 He's built like a fire hydrant. Yeah.

Speaker 4 He does that slowdown dribble

Speaker 4 where someone runs into him and he gets a foul call. I love that.

Speaker 4 Also, the Raptors Celtic series is going to break the record for most.

Speaker 4 Hey, Ref, like, what the fuck? Where was that call? Both teams. Just all night.
What?

Speaker 4 Dude, I mean, the Raptors are the

Speaker 4 ones James is still in the middle of the night. Pyl Lowry's the number one in the NBA.
Powell Lowry's the number one in the NBA for that. But I feel like they had a really nice run tonight of that.

Speaker 7 If it's LeBron versus the Rockets, I feel like that will be.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's true. LeBron versus the Rockets.

Speaker 6 Yeah, Hardin and LeBron.

Speaker 7 Harden and LeBron just look for fouls.

Speaker 4 Yes, yes, yes. LeBron's, meanwhile, just resting.
Good for him. Not good.
Not good, Hank. For who? For anyone who's a LeBron hater.

Speaker 4 I count myself in that group. Could be me.

Speaker 4 What do you? Oh, so now PFT likes Jaybutt and you like LeBron? No, no, no, no.

Speaker 4 All right, let's get to Hot Seat Cool Throne. Hot Seat Cool Throne is brought to you you by Bud Light Seltzer on the hot seat this week.
Our beer runs with sports being back.

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Hank.

Speaker 7 My hot seat, I have a few.

Speaker 4 Oh,

Speaker 4 okay.

Speaker 7 The first one is anyone who drafted early for fantasy and they took Alvin Kamara. Yep.

Speaker 7 He is on the trading block now, which is, I mean, a lot of people probably took him with their first pick, first round. That's like the worst thing you can see.

Speaker 6 Is he on the trading block? I heard they're just negotiating a contract right now.

Speaker 7 I read today is on the trading block.

Speaker 6 Kamara's on the trading block? Yes.

Speaker 6 Imagine how much Bill O'Brien would be willing to give up for Alvin Kamara, like his entire team.

Speaker 6 He'd trade himself to the Saints for Alvin Kamara.

Speaker 4 I'm just going to say Leonard Fournette's out there. True.

Speaker 6 Bill O'Brien would try to trade like a second rounder and next year's third to the waiver wire.

Speaker 4 I just want Leonard Fournette on the Bears just so I can be like, how can you lose when you have the second and fourth pick in the 2017 draft? I mean,

Speaker 6 I feel like he's destined to go to the Falcons, right?

Speaker 4 They already have Todd Gurley.

Speaker 6 They play all the first round picks.

Speaker 4 Yeah, they have Todd Gurley.

Speaker 4 But I just want that because I really would sell myself on being like, if you could go back in time and get the second and fourth pick in a draft, that team would be a junger knot.

Speaker 6 I refuse to believe that any team would be dumb enough to trade away Alvin Kamara right now. Like, why, if you're the Saints, well, I guess guess you have Taysom still.

Speaker 6 He can do it all. Yep.
Have Taysom line up as franchise quarterback and halfback.

Speaker 7 I'm pretty sure it was they put him on the trading block just as like a you know a negotiational tactic.

Speaker 4 Like ha ha just a prank.

Speaker 7 But if you drafted him like that's the worst thing you can see.

Speaker 7 It's a terrible thing before the season even starts. My other hot seat was myself.

Speaker 7 I broke my phone the other day because I didn't have my case on.

Speaker 4 That's a good move, Hank. No, it broke.

Speaker 4 Almost instantly broke. Solid.
I like it.

Speaker 6 So I had to get a new one and I don't have a fucking home button anymore and it's driving me crazy oh yeah it's gonna take some getting you i noticed that you didn't get the red iphone do you hate aids charities

Speaker 4 you had how old was your phone is the iphone eight

Speaker 7 well they got rid of the home button a long time ago i feel like that was two years ago hank had a motor motorola razor this is my first time experiencing it and it sucks

Speaker 7 in like two seconds i'm not a fan okay uh and then my cool throne i also have a few my first one is uh magic johnson's analysis oh he's been good He's been all right.

Speaker 4 I actually wanted to talk about that. I think the party's over because Coward's in on the joke now.

Speaker 6 Really? Yeah. So we got to move on.

Speaker 4 Coward quote tweeted Magic and was like great insight. And it was at that moment that a small piece of me died and was like, all right, it's over.
No more making fun of Magic tweets.

Speaker 4 Coward didn't even make like a ham-fisted analogy about it.

Speaker 6 It wasn't like, this is he is the perd happily of Twitter.

Speaker 4 It took him three, four years. I mean, we've been making fun of Magic since the beginning of this show.
Not saying we invented it, but like Coward now figuring it out in 2020, it's done. Fuck.

Speaker 7 It sucks. I'm so excited for Denver vs.
Utah game seven and to see Jamal Murray vs. Donovan Mitchell.
For Denver to win, Jokic, Gary Harris, Paul Milsap, or Michael Porter Jr.

Speaker 4 has to step up.

Speaker 7 For Utah to win, it's on Mike Conley, Jordan Clarkson, Joe Ingalls, or Rudy Grobert to step up.

Speaker 4 All right. Yeah.
That's the tweet. He nailed it.

Speaker 7 My other cool throwing.

Speaker 6 Magic Johnson would be very upset that you did not get a red iPhone.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Tyler Perry.

Speaker 4 Why?

Speaker 7 He's a billionaire.

Speaker 4 That's it.

Speaker 6 He's a billionaire. He's a B-word.
Or a person that's not Tyler Perry.

Speaker 4 Let's fucking eat him.

Speaker 7 I read it, and then I clicked the article to get more information, and the only place that states that is his book, which is titled Poor as Hell to Billionaire.

Speaker 4 So there's a chance that Tyler Perry is just saying he's a billionaire, but he's not actually.

Speaker 6 I'm going to write a book about what it's like to be a billionaire. I'm going with it.
I'm just going to say, probably pretty sweet. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I feel like people don't want to say like you're a billionaire these days. People ain't, they're not so happy about that.

Speaker 4 Jeff Bezos got that guillotine sitting out in front of his house ready to just chop it off.

Speaker 6 Give him a really nice close shave to the head.

Speaker 6 Is that it, Hank?

Speaker 4 That's it. We're all done here? Okay.

Speaker 6 I'm going to keep it pretty brief because it's a tight show. We got a couple interviews coming up.
My first hot seat is C.J. McCollum.
CJ McCollum's on the hot seat.

Speaker 6 He tweeted out earlier tonight, who wants to play fantasy? Hit me up.

Speaker 6 I replied to him, kind of as a joke, but it was like also kind of serious i was like what's up and then he invited me to play in his league i was like that's awesome that sounds like fun i get a text from him where he puts me into his fantasy football group chat and the name of the group chat is fantasy football high rollers right and i'm like wait a second what and so it turns out it's a thousand dollar buy-in yep uh i don't i don't think i can back out but we decided as a group that we would all share ownership of the team.

Speaker 6 So now we're in CJ McCollum's fantasy football team in his league. Our team name is Blast Their Face Off.
And so we're going to, I guess we're just going to dominate C.J. McCollum.
Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 4 Let's do it. What?

Speaker 7 I just got tweeted this picture, and it says Hank on vacation again. And it's a guy who has a bumper sticker on his boat with R.
He copyrighted our logo, and it says part of my lake.

Speaker 4 Whoa, that's sick.

Speaker 6 That's pretty good.

Speaker 4 Yo, let us come on the boat, dude. How are you going to do that? Yeah, we should be.

Speaker 4 The fact we haven't been invited on that boat is a slap in our face. You know what?

Speaker 6 We're going to sue you for trademark infringement, infringement, for copyright infringement, unless we get an invite on the boat. These are our terms that are not negotiable.

Speaker 6 But yeah, we're in C.J. McCollum's Fancy Football League.
$1,000 buy-in. It's a 12-team league.

Speaker 6 Let's just do it and be legends. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I was saying we should just draft all Browns and cuck them.

Speaker 6 That'd be great.

Speaker 4 And like finish last. Well, no, the $1,000 kind of makes that.

Speaker 6 Yeah, but it'd be a good $1,000 prank. Yeah, it would.
And then, or if we do happen to win, we can just... like waste it below the $11,000 on the most ridiculous thing possible.

Speaker 6 Like, let's get 10 more Lotto machines. Yes.
And then we can have 10 going at the same time. Yes.
That would be sick, wouldn't it?

Speaker 4 That would be so sick.

Speaker 6 Actually, let's seriously do that. No, let's get more Lotto machines.
No, you don't have to sell me. Fuck yes.
Now I'm excited.

Speaker 4 It has changed my life. Guess what?

Speaker 6 Significantly. Now we're winning.

Speaker 6 And my cool throne is Antonio Brown. He's on the cool throne because allegedly a video came out of Tiana Trump, one of my favorites, giving him a hummer inside his gym.

Speaker 6 They like identified the balls of his gym and his Richard Milley watch, the green one that he always wears. And yeah, he was just getting, he was getting that good, the wet

Speaker 6 from Tiana Trump. Nice.
So I think Antonio Brown is also back.

Speaker 4 We also had an Antonio Clown moment where someone tweeted, we should have called it September

Speaker 4 instead of September. Yeah.
I still like September. Did you see no simp September? Yeah.
I remember

Speaker 4 in September.

Speaker 6 We were simp harder. Even harder.
We ain't simping. Antonio.

Speaker 7 I think I'm going to join you, PFT, by the way.

Speaker 6 In September? Yeah.

Speaker 4 And not simping?

Speaker 6 We're going to get fucked up. No.

Speaker 4 Four beers. After Labor Day.
Okay.

Speaker 6 Four beers this month. Let's do it, fellas.

Speaker 7 And I think for the four beers, it'll just be like four times I drink that month. Yeah.
What do you think?

Speaker 4 Get one of those, like, the IPAs that are like 19% alcohol.

Speaker 4 Just fuck your dome up.

Speaker 6 What do you think Shannon Sharp's nickname for Antonio Brown would be? What do you mean? Like, with the Tiana Trump thing. Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 6 She can't go clown anymore because she's got the white stuff on her face now. Antonio

Speaker 4 Blown.

Speaker 4 Came. And that works.

Speaker 6 And Blonio Brown. That works.
And Blonio Brown. That works.
That's what it is.

Speaker 4 Antonio BJ Own.

Speaker 6 Like he's Swedish.

Speaker 4 Jown. Brown.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Like he's Bjorn.
A couple dots on top of him. A couple um lots.

Speaker 4 All right. So my hot seat is Hank.
My hot seat is Hank.

Speaker 7 No, I already put myself on the hot seat.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I witnessed something today, PFT, that was truly remarkable. I was in the studio playing Fall Guys.
No,

Speaker 4 I was in the studio playing Fall Guys, and Hank,

Speaker 4 100% serious, like no joke whatsoever in his tone, comes in here. Billy's sitting on the couch, and he goes, hey, Billy, I fell on my skateboard, and I feel like I got some fluid in my hip.

Speaker 4 Can you take a look at it for me?

Speaker 4 And I just sat there and I was like,

Speaker 4 are you pretending like Billy's your doctor? And Billy gave him an actual medical diagnosis, and that was it.

Speaker 6 Billy, what's the prognosis? What does he have?

Speaker 4 He's got a fluid.

Speaker 4 It was fucking incredible. Like, they were not joking, no jokes whatsoever.
Hank was like, Billy, I need you to look at my hip. It's kind of jacked up.

Speaker 4 And he was like, whatever Billy was going to say, Hank was going to be like, thank you, doctor. Do I like owe a copay here or something?

Speaker 7 It's like you like, do more squats it's like when you you know like you know you're probably the right thing to do so you go talk to your friend like oh should we go out tonight and you go talk to the one friend that's like yes let's go out tonight like I wanted I just needed to hear from someone that's like it's probably fine but he said it wasn't Right, but he said it's probably fine.

Speaker 6 Your problem here, Hank, is you got no ass. And if you had a little more ass, then you probably wouldn't have banged up your bone that much.

Speaker 4 I also, so Hank does have fluid in his hip, made me almost gag. I really want to poke it with a pin.
Yeah, I think it's the only way to drain it. Can we see it? Let's get a second of pain.

Speaker 4 Also, I will say, because

Speaker 7 hopefully, people are like, you'll be fine because I really don't want to go to the doctor. But a lot of people help me with my internet problem.
Okay.

Speaker 7 So thank you guys.

Speaker 4 But yeah, PFT, it was definitely an awakening moment for me. Like, you are the company you keep.
Hank is acting, asking Billy for doctor advice.

Speaker 6 Pretty much showing his dick right now. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Hank, that just looks like a normal

Speaker 4 slender ass. Oh, he slapped it.
Billy took out his fucking Tetra. It's actually gone down.

Speaker 4 He took out the glasses.

Speaker 4 He took out the fucking

Speaker 4 dentist's glasses with the little light at the end, the minor light. You can feel it, Peter.
And he looked at it, and he like

Speaker 4 calipers. Yeah.
He starts checking it out.

Speaker 4 He did

Speaker 4 the plastic surgery.

Speaker 4 He started doing circles with a Sharpie on it.

Speaker 6 Dude, that's just a bruise. You just have to.

Speaker 4 Just poke it with something, Hank. Be a man.
Hank's just got a normal bruise on his side. Hip pointer.
Yeah. Hey, put your pubes away.

Speaker 6 Hank's be a pointer.

Speaker 4 Billy just changed his diagnosis.

Speaker 4 He said it was a hip pointer the whole whole time.

Speaker 4 That's what I'm saying. I just need to.
I'm going to prescribe you. I don't know, dude.

Speaker 6 So I'm pregnant zone.

Speaker 4 It was unbelievable. I really had to question everything.

Speaker 4 It was just like, what are we doing here? I mean,

Speaker 7 as you're playing a 10-year-old's video game.

Speaker 4 Yeah, no, that's fine. That's fine.
Like, I was, listen, I'm going to play that game until I beat it, and then I'll never play that game again.

Speaker 4 It was a shocking moment.

Speaker 6 I just, I love, I love what went through your head, Hank, because I've thought the same thing.

Speaker 6 Like, if you have an injury that you could have sustained playing a sport, then why not go to somebody that's played sports before?

Speaker 4 Yeah, and Billy was just like, Yeah, yeah, let me take a look. Just guys being dudes.

Speaker 7 I knew Billy had the best chance of telling me that I'm fine and don't notice that.

Speaker 4 See a doctor.

Speaker 4 That's such a process.

Speaker 6 When am I going to do that? Hank, if you went to a doctor with that injury, I would hope that they would throw you out.

Speaker 4 Okay. You guys like, listen.
Thank you. We're going through a global pandemic.

Speaker 6 And you're coming in because your ass has a boo-boo on the side.

Speaker 4 No, coronavirus doesn't exist anymore. That's my cool throne.
Oh, yeah. Big Ten football's back.
Big Ten football's back.

Speaker 6 Suryat did it.

Speaker 4 Suryat, Chuggy. Shout out Chuggy.

Speaker 4 I don't know. I'm just going to get my hopes up again.
I don't know. Whatever.

Speaker 6 I think it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. You know, it's good.
It's encouraging that you still feel something.

Speaker 4 Yeah, no,

Speaker 4 it's what we said right at the beginning of this stuff when they canceled March Madness. Like, don't, we're stupid.

Speaker 4 If you just keep delaying it a couple weeks, we'll just keep, like, we'll just die at 90 being like, are they going to play the 2020 Big Ten football season? I guess, like, I'll do that.

Speaker 7 It's September 2nd today, I guess, for the people listening. A month

Speaker 7 in one day

Speaker 7 will be Saturday, October 3rd,

Speaker 4 full college slate.

Speaker 7 That's what I'm asking you.

Speaker 4 Oh, no.

Speaker 4 Did you hear me? Did you hear me? I was like, Hank, what do you know? Have you been talking to Sir Yacht? No, I'm asking you guys.

Speaker 6 No, because the Pac-12 isn't coming back.

Speaker 4 No, yeah, which is crazy.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I haven't heard anything about that.

Speaker 4 But no, Larry Scott's going to be out, which is good. Shout out to all my Pac-12 people.

Speaker 4 Finally, Larry Scott's going to be out.

Speaker 6 I love that Larry Scott is the warlord of the Pac-12.

Speaker 4 He's the worst. Yeah.
He's the worst. But yeah,

Speaker 4 October 3rd, no.

Speaker 4 I mean, I'm just going to hurt myself by just saying it, but I like if they start late and then they go undefeated, like, how does that work? They win everything.

Speaker 6 That's going to be the most beautiful part is undefeated Ohio State fans being like, yo, we're the next one.

Speaker 4 They're going to be like 6-0.

Speaker 6 And then Davo Swinney being like, we're not getting enough respect because the Big Ten decided not to play until October.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I'm going to. Yeah, I mean, if Wisconsin, I saw a projected schedule and like Wisconsin doesn't have to play Penn State or Ohio State.

Speaker 4 They go undefeated, and I'll absolutely be like, they're the best team. Really? That's all we need.
And I'm like, no, they haven't. They played anyway.
They played fucking Indiana.

Speaker 4 I'm like, I don't care.

Speaker 6 All we need right now is just for them to release more schedules. Yeah.
I don't care if you take it back. Just keep it

Speaker 6 more new schedule leases. Just keep.
We'll start circling dates on our calendars. Yes.

Speaker 4 You know what? I'm stupid enough to just keep buying the idea that it's going to happen eventually, knowing it probably won't, but my dog brain takes over and I'm like, yeah, no, October, we're good.

Speaker 6 I also think that the Big Ten should just play next year and call it 2010 or 2020. Good.
I feel like, just in general, sports should take on the mantra of 2020 never happened. Next year's 2020.

Speaker 6 We're wiping this year from our brains like it's like it's men in black.

Speaker 4 You show up at our door and this year never happened the virus never happened let's just reset you know what they should do they should lean into the fact that like no one has any idea what's going on surprise me big ten just play a game randomly just at one point on like a tuesday in october i just want to see like just put an alert like tuesday morning i wake up like 7 p.m iowa ohio state i would take roosters against now now we're going too far i believe next summer's olympics is still being branded as 2020 olympics perfect okay 2020 2020 never happened.

Speaker 6 And I also forgot to mention this, in case you're wondering why my takes are so great nowadays. I bought the Sports Illustrated brain formula.
Nice.

Speaker 6 So my brain is operating on such a high plane right now. You can't even understand.

Speaker 4 You should try to write a Rick Riley column.

Speaker 6 I'm Mr. Unlimited.
I should try, or I should just try to read one.

Speaker 4 Yes. Billy.

Speaker 6 I'm actually, you guys.

Speaker 4 We took everything? No, no, no.

Speaker 6 There's some obvious ones you didn't get to. Hot seat cheeseburgers.

Speaker 4 Andy Reid said he was going to exchange. Good one, Billy.

Speaker 6 I picked a bunch of

Speaker 6 Andy Reid was like, I'm going to trade this.

Speaker 4 No, read the quote.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 The quote was great. He said he was going to exchange his.

Speaker 6 You wear it for special occasions, or if you want a free cheeseburger, you just point right there and show him that ring, and you might get one.

Speaker 4 That is a special occasion, friend. That's beautiful.
Andy just walking into a McDonald's and being like,

Speaker 6 as if Andy Reid needed to ask for a cheeseburger ever. Like, he he walks in the door.
He could go to like any McDonald's in the United States and be like, the usual Andy? Yep, three big matches.

Speaker 6 Yes, two big matches.

Speaker 4 Yes, yes. All right, good one.

Speaker 6 My cool throne is the XFL. The Rock just took a bunch of pictures with XFL team helmets, and it's getting me excited because more football is

Speaker 4 better.

Speaker 6 Anyway, another, oh, quick, another hot seat, sleeves.

Speaker 4 Oh, we're going back and forth. I like it.

Speaker 6 Bill Belichick

Speaker 6 had a sick Subway commercial where he cut off a dude's sleeves. I don't know really how that

Speaker 6 pertains to Subway, but it was really cool.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I guess it could. It's just Belichick doing a commercial.
That's what the ad campaign is. Look, we got Belichick to show up on the camera, on this side of the camera for a change.

Speaker 4 We're Jimmy John's guys, by the way. True.
It's not your fault, but we are. Right.
Through and through.

Speaker 4 Through and through. Is that it? Also, the rings, the KC rings.
Yeah. They had their rings.

Speaker 4 They have the thanks for coming out on the inside where it just shows how far they were down in every single one of their playoff games.

Speaker 4 And that was the exact moment I said, thanks for coming out, Chiefs, every single time. I'm fucking smart.

Speaker 6 You're on the brain formula.

Speaker 4 I am smart. He saw

Speaker 4 a jetpack in L.A. You did?

Speaker 6 No, some pilot. What? UFOs.

Speaker 4 30 minutes. Okay.

Speaker 6 There was a guy that was flying around in a jetpack allegedly in Los Angeles.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 That's pretty cool. All right.
Let's get to our interviews. We got Rob Schneider, and then right after that, we have Tim Woods, Dungeons and Dragons.
Before we do that, a quick word from our friends.

Speaker 1 What's up, guys? It's Big Cat here making my Irish entrance with proper number 12 Irish whiskey. How do you make an Irish entrance, you ask?

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Mix it up with some ginger ale for a classic and refreshing proper ginger.

Speaker 1 In the mood for something smooth but a little sweeter, try proper Irish apple, a delicious blend of proper's award-winning Irish whiskey with crisp, fresh notes of apple.

Speaker 1 So get out there and make your Irish entrance. Anything else just wouldn't be proper.

Speaker 4 Okay, here he is, Rob Schneider.

Speaker 4 Okay, we now welcome on Rob Schneider, actor, extraordinaire, SNL alum,

Speaker 4 best friends with Adam Sandler which we're going to have to get to that but you have a new special out Netflix special called Asian Mama Mexican Kids is out now go check it out

Speaker 9 very friendly sounding name right yes yes

Speaker 4 so the Netflix special let's talk about that first I would assume it's just about your entire life when you name it Asian Mama Mexican Kids just trying to avoid as much people

Speaker 9 getting angry as you can Hey, listen,

Speaker 9 I have an Asian mother. I got Mexican kids.
I'm allowed to talk about this stuff. I don't know.
I guess that's what it's all about.

Speaker 6 Yeah, when you're taping those specials,

Speaker 6 is it different as you're on stage? Are you thinking about the fact that it's going to be on people's TVs as opposed to just performing for people that bought a technology?

Speaker 9 You can't get in your head that much. Otherwise, you're really in a, you know.
You start thinking defensively or thinking what you're going to, you know, it's like

Speaker 9 you have to just, it's got to come from an inspired place you gotta it's funny i'm enjoying this it's for the audience but at the same time i just remember chris rock yelling at adam sandler going it's the show it's about the special it's about the special get the special in other words make sure you're getting the stuff for the the special it's not just you know you could have a thousand people or fifteen hundred people in the audience but like that night but you're trying to make it for you know

Speaker 9 uh 110 countries and you know 15 million people so um

Speaker 9 but yeah, I mean, I don't think you got it, you have to know that it's back there, but you got to be like being the moment, performing it and doing it. And then

Speaker 9 and then, you know, try not to let the business take over. And then, because I think if you put the business in front of the art, then it's going to affect the art, obviously.

Speaker 4 Yeah, right. Well,

Speaker 4 what's up with the band-aid on your chin?

Speaker 9 I try to kill myself, but I aim too high. No, I just, I sliced my face.

Speaker 9 It's been a while now. I've had this for like a week now.

Speaker 4 You've just been rocking a band-aid. It's ugly.
You just band-aid everywhere. I thought it was like a good one.

Speaker 9 And then my kids,

Speaker 9 then my kids keep putting it back on. They go, like, daddy, you want band-aid? Daddy, band-aid from daddy.
And I go, yeah, okay, put it on.

Speaker 9 And if I don't have it on, I go, daddy, band-aid, baddie, band-aid.

Speaker 9 So they're very cute.

Speaker 4 They're very caring. You're a band-aid guy for life now.

Speaker 9 Yeah, for the foreseeable future, I think so.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 So your career, you've had an unbelievable career. You were part of what some people say is one of the golden ages of SNL.
During that time,

Speaker 4 did you have a moment where you're like, holy shit, like everyone I'm around right now is a star or a star in the making?

Speaker 4 Did it feel like that?

Speaker 9 I remember a lot of like, you know, some very special moments with the really talented people.

Speaker 9 But I also remember, like everybody's saying, we sucked because he said, you're not as good as the first cast.

Speaker 9 And I was like, I know, you know, it's kind of hard hard to compare to Bill, you know, to Bill Murray and John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd and Gilda Radner. It's a little tough to Chevy Chase, you know.

Speaker 9 But I said, I think we're okay. I think, you know, for our generation of kids growing up watching us, we're going to be there, Chevy Chase and Bill Murray.

Speaker 9 And that's what's true is, I mean, whatever you grow up watching, that's your cast, you know.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I've always thought that, like, especially amongst SNL fans, is like the new generation is never as good as the one that was around 10 years before.

Speaker 9 Yeah, I mean, there's a couple of guys that are all-timers, you know. I mean, there's, I mean, you know, you get your Will Farrells and you get your, you know, Martin Schwartz and your Eddie Murphys.

Speaker 9 I mean, it's the who's who, I mean, of, of stand, of comedy, you know, and I came from an era where most of the guys who came in were from.

Speaker 9 with few exceptions, were from the stand-up. You know, they'd just like, that's where they're getting the funny guys now.

Speaker 9 And then there's an era where it comes in from like second city and improv you know i think uh lauren michaels when he first started not to speak for him but like he hired uh you know groups that had been working together for a while uh you know it was second it was the national um

Speaker 9 lemmings on broadway which is like you know uh balushi and um

Speaker 9 and and i think ackroid and then it was um

Speaker 9 the you know second city or and and i think those two groups were made up the majority of that first uh

Speaker 9 cast. And us, we were like, you know, David Spade, Adam Sandler, and I, we would go on one, two, three after each other in,

Speaker 9 you know, at a club in LA or something, you know, at the ice house out in Pasadena back in 1987, 88, you know, and then,

Speaker 9 you know, but we kind of, we knew we were going to make it. I mean, I don't think it was a question.
It was just like, well, who's going to give us a chance finally? You know, right. And then,

Speaker 9 you know, this true story, David Spade didn't put this in his in his book, but like I got hired at SNL and then Bernie Brillstein was our manager. And

Speaker 9 he told Lauren Michaels, well, you got to hire David Spade, too. They're writing partners.
And we weren't. But that's how David got hired.
And he knows that, but he didn't put that in his book.

Speaker 4 Oh, wow. Interesting.
Speaking of that, you said...

Speaker 9 I'm going to put that in my book. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 So you said

Speaker 4 it would be fun to pin Adam Sandler for murder because you know all his secrets.

Speaker 4 What's his number one secret?

Speaker 9 His number one secret?

Speaker 9 Well, he was in a movie called, not a big secret, but he was in a movie called The Unsinkable Shecky Moskowitz. And I remember he got $25,000.
And I went like, $25,000?

Speaker 4 They paid you?

Speaker 9 $25,000 for what?

Speaker 8 You're in a movie?

Speaker 9 How did this happen? You know, and I just like when he first,

Speaker 9 I was just amazed that anybody can get a movie. You know, I mean, it was just like, I remember auditioning for like a thousand things and getting none of them, you know, literally none.

Speaker 9 And like, after a while, you go, well, like, I remember Spade and I go, you know, you know, we're not going to get nothing, I guess. Maybe we'll get nothing.

Speaker 9 And then we started getting, then we started getting hired because it's just, it's just, you know, you, when you move to LA, you don't realize there's 50,000 actors always in LA, all fighting for like 1,500 jobs.

Speaker 9 And most of those are shitty, but you're happy to have any of them, you know what I mean? So it's a numbers game.

Speaker 9 But the thing about being a stand-up back in the 80s was we were making more money being middle-axed because none of us ever had more than 25 minutes of comedy material, trust me.

Speaker 9 But he said, all you need, you know, as Jay Leno said many years ago to me, all you need is 20 minutes to become a star in LA. Everybody said, how much time you got?

Speaker 9 And everybody said, I got two hours. Who wants to listen to two hours of comedy material?

Speaker 9 Either you have 20 minutes, either you have five minutes of kills every time, every time out, or you have nothing. And so, really, all you needed was 20 minutes.
And that's all we had, truthfully.

Speaker 9 And that was enough to get us on TV.

Speaker 9 But it was just, you know, it's always going to be,

Speaker 9 you know, they won't always want the most

Speaker 9 famous guy. And if you ain't it, then you ain't it.
But you got to be ready just in case the famous guy says no and they got to get somebody, right? Yeah.

Speaker 9 But it took me, it took me a long time to realize that like casting agents and those people, they're fearful of their jobs too. They don't get paid good.
I remember I was one casting agent

Speaker 9 that actually casted for Quentin Tarantino. And, you know, she's lovely.
I forget her name now, but like I went to go see her.

Speaker 9 I used to audition for movies for her, and I auditioned for like, you know, Quentin, one of Quentin's movies back in the day. And I actually read with Quentin for the part.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 9 I remember her, like, then seeing her make making sandwiches at a deli. And I went, man, it's tough for everybody.
Everybody's got tough in Hollywood, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 9 And they like, they want you, so they're worried about their job. So they got to get the most famous guy they can get, blah, blah, blah.
I remember one time I was having an audition for

Speaker 9 this casting agent, and I killed one-on-one, but then I got nervous in front of everybody, and I saw her like melting down, like, oh, no, what happened to that guy who was so good just with me?

Speaker 9 Bring him. And so I realized, oh, she's rooting for me.
Because, you know, when you first start, you think people are rooting it against you. Like, oh, you know, the casting agents,

Speaker 9 they take it, you take it personally. No, you just can't take it personally.

Speaker 6 Yeah, did you guys have a pact? Like you, Spade, and Sandler? When you were coming up, like, whoever has, whoever's the richest, who's doing the best in Hollywood at any given time,

Speaker 6 bring everybody else along with you.

Speaker 9 Yeah, no, we didn't say it like that, but yeah, we did.

Speaker 4 Absolutely. And that's worked out pretty nicely.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Adam Sandler just seems like the nicest guy in the world. We've had him on our show, and he just seems like the nicest guy.
And everyone whoever talks to him is like, he's loyal.

Speaker 4 And why wouldn't you want? I think we asked him about this. He's like, why wouldn't I want to work with my friends?

Speaker 9 I told him, I mean, I'll be honest, and I've been public about this, you know, I would tell him, like, hey, listen,

Speaker 4 hire Nick Nolte.

Speaker 9 You don't have to hire me.

Speaker 9 And he finally did hire Nick Nolte for a movie called The Ridiculous Six, like five years ago.

Speaker 9 And he says, no, I don't want to hire people I don't know because like, and I go, why? You can get some, you can get anybody, man. You're the biggest comedy star in the world.

Speaker 9 And I'd have this argument with him against, you know, hiring me.

Speaker 9 And not that I didn't want to get hired, but I'm just saying, you know,

Speaker 9 we were talking this for a movie, you know, many, many years ago. Well, you know, 15 years ago or so.
And he said, no, no, no. And I said, why?

Speaker 9 He says, because I don't have to explain to you what's funny. You know.

Speaker 9 And if I ask you to do something,

Speaker 9 I don't have to like, I can just tell you directly, go climb that palm tree over there. I know you're dumb enough to do it.

Speaker 9 And

Speaker 9 so, I mean, that kind of says a lot.

Speaker 9 I think there's a trust. When you're out there doing comedy, and especially in a movie, you know,

Speaker 9 Any movie that you do could be your last and one day you'll be right.

Speaker 9 And

Speaker 9 if it's not going good, you need somebody who can make quick changes to make it work, make the scene work. If it ain't working, to not panic and shut down.

Speaker 9 Because I've been in movies, not with Adam Sandler, but I've been in movies where it wasn't working and nobody knew how to fix it. If it ain't working, let's identify it right now.
Fix this scene.

Speaker 9 Every scene is like a little mini movie that's got to go to the next little mini movie. And it's like a load of, it's like a locomotion, right?

Speaker 9 Like it's like a, and it just gets you got to get to the next one and that pushes the next one. And each one has to be like a complete little mini movie in and of itself.

Speaker 9 So if it ain't working, fix it. Have somebody that'll fix it.

Speaker 9 If it is working, tweak it so that it's even better so that that scene may make the next scene unnecessary because that scene works so well. So it's kind of stuff like that.

Speaker 9 Because when you're in the trenches and like when you're doing live TV, you got to have somebody there across from you who's going to be your guy and not drop the ball because, you know.

Speaker 9 We're just trying to get in show business, you know what I mean? And we want to stay in it because that was the whole point. I didn't have any career advice.

Speaker 9 I didn't have any career guidance or career

Speaker 9 goals. I just wanted to make a living.
I just wanted to not paint houses, not sell shoes, not do all the shit that I saw my friends doing.

Speaker 9 And I hated, you know, my friend delivering pizzas at my house. One time he went, oh, shit.
You know, hey, man, good to see you, Matt. He said, nah, I don't want people to know this.

Speaker 9 I said, no, what? You're working. What are you talking about?

Speaker 4 Yeah, but I don't want people to think I'm the pizza guy.

Speaker 9 People answer the door and go, I'm the pizza guy. I'm not the pizza guy.
I'm just doing this to make a living. It's not who I am.

Speaker 9 And I remember, so I ended up doing a joke about that right away that night.

Speaker 9 You know, I'm not the pizza guy. But,

Speaker 9 you know, it's nothing wrong being a pizza guy. We all need a pizza guy.

Speaker 6 I've been a pizza guy. JJ Watt, pizza guy.
A lot of us have done it. Slang pies every now and again.

Speaker 6 You were saying like a second ago about how working with your friends is easy to make these adaptions like on the fly, punch up a script like really quickly.

Speaker 6 I would imagine imagine that a lot of the practice from that probably came from the uh the fast-paced environment on snl in the 90s because you know you got

Speaker 9 yeah a lot of it did i mean certainly

Speaker 9 i didn't even know that i was doing this but my stand-up uh in the 80s uh was sketches but i wasn't getting any acting work so i was just acting out all the characters and that's what i would do and then like i remember this comedian milt abel great guy from San Francisco said, oh, you know what you do is you act out and play these different roles to play the different parts in your own stand-up act.

Speaker 9 You would play the different guys and you go back and forth.

Speaker 9 And I didn't even know that because you don't, you know, when you're creating something, you just, it's just coming from a place and coming kind of through you and with you and blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 9 And you're just doing, and then you do what, you keep what works and you take the stuff out, hopefully.

Speaker 9 And if you're not like, you know, you don't have like, you know, dementia or some, some kind of, or if you're not messed up. So a lot of comedians are.

Speaker 9 Then you dump what doesn't work, keep what works, and then you keep taking away, stripping away, stripping away. And then what works kind of becomes your act.

Speaker 9 And then, you know, if you're if you want to be successful at a comedy, you don't keep the stuff that doesn't work and the stuff that works you build on, but it doesn't necessarily grow that much.

Speaker 9 You just get like that monster 20 minutes, you know, which is what we worked on. And I don't know if that's anywhere near answering your question.

Speaker 6 Well, I was curious because I always love hearing stories about the, you know, the heyday of SNL and what the schedule was like, you know,

Speaker 9 how hectic everybody was it's it was amazing but like at the same time the thing that comes away from me is it was extremely democratic as the more I'm in show business the more I realize like that was fucking remarkable to be able to be literally at a place where if you wrote something if you if you're on a sitcom or if you're writing a movie and you say you know that the idea that anybody's ever gonna read that in front of people to get some real laughs is like it just doesn't happen but like my first job in show business is a saturday night live basically And

Speaker 9 anything I wrote got read in front of everybody. So Adam Sandler would write this thing.
And like, you know, either it would work or,

Speaker 9 but if it did work, I mean, everyone, you got a room of people reading it. It's very fair.
Right.

Speaker 9 Whereas opposed to most show business, it doesn't get a reading. So in that sense, for Lauren Michaels, I got to say the genius of him.

Speaker 9 was like identifying people and getting the network out of the way and then and then you know letting us see and to see what worked and he was open to what 90% of the time, depending, you know, with a few exceptions, if Mike Myers had a movie with Dana Carvey or something, Wayne's World or something, whatever was got the biggest laughs got on the show.

Speaker 9 I mean, you can't ask for anything more than that. That's pretty fair.
So anybody who complained, I always went like, well, you know.

Speaker 9 I know and you know that you had the opportunity and it just didn't work for you.

Speaker 4 That's interesting because people,

Speaker 4 when we talk to people who are on SNL or part of SNL, you know, a lot of times it's talked about how hard it is to get Lauren Michaels to laugh.

Speaker 4 And you're kind of flipping it on the other end and being like, this is actually the

Speaker 4 best spot because you if you didn't make Lauren Michaels laugh, then that was on you.

Speaker 9 I'm sorry. Yeah.
But like if he heard other people laughing, he would recognize that too. You know, the worst audiences are like people who are like subjected to comedy every week.
Right.

Speaker 9 You know, and having to laugh. But so you got to really get them to laugh, you know.

Speaker 9 But unfortunately, even in that democratic environment, half that department, half the people in that room are costume people. So, you know, trying to make the the costume department laugh.

Speaker 9 And it's like, hey, I'm sorry, that ain't my audience.

Speaker 9 So you just have to get enough and whatever it is. And like people who complain, it's like, shut the fuck up.
You had your opportunities, you know? And if it didn't work for you, I'm sorry.

Speaker 9 But this ain't about the fair business, you know. This ain't about like you get a sketch on because, you know, it's like whoever participated, it's a participation trophy.
And that ain't it.

Speaker 4 So are you saying if Lauren Michaels was totally dead face in a reading and was like,

Speaker 4 I don't think this is funny, but everyone else laughed, he'd be like, all right, let's put it through.

Speaker 9 Yeah, he would. Absolutely.

Speaker 4 Okay, nice. So that, I mean, that's, I feel like that kind of, there's a myth about him where he's like, you can never crack him and getting him to laugh is so hard.

Speaker 9 No, no, he's an easy laugh. He's a very generous laugh guy.

Speaker 9 I shouldn't say easy, but if you know way to get to him, I've been a whore where a guy wrote stuff I knew he'd laugh at.

Speaker 4 Right, yeah.

Speaker 9 And that ain't good either, you know, because you want to not just get like a showbiz kind of laugh, you know, because there's stuff that they can make him explode with laughter.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 9 I've made him violently laugh. And I've made him not laugh, but everybody else was laughing.
He said, Rob's got a good one.

Speaker 6 What was the easiest way to get to him? What were like his comedy hotspots that you knew that you could push?

Speaker 9 Some inside baseball shit, you know. Like,

Speaker 9 I did a joke one time I knew it was going to get him a laugh where I talked about like it was some TV talk show that some guy was a hack, I'm not going to mention, but like

Speaker 9 who had a, you know, a show and they were having trouble getting guests was the sketch. And I said the line,

Speaker 9 do they know that we shoot during the day? And it just, he was like,

Speaker 9 it's like an availability thing.

Speaker 9 And that's a problem that he has, you know, you know, the availability to get movie stars or TV stars or getting Mick Jagger to come and like, yeah, well, you know, tell Nick it's, you know, it's early dinner, that kind of shit.

Speaker 9 So I just knew that I, you know,

Speaker 9 I rolled the dice and it was

Speaker 9 an easy one for me on that one. But I bet that didn't help me.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 9 Like, so, I mean, in that point, sometimes it's like, okay, okay, I know I get a cheap laugh here, but how does the rest of the sketch add up? You know, so, right, but it is what it is.

Speaker 9 And the longer I, I was just talking to Dennis Miller like a couple days ago about this over the weekend. And we were saying, man, how amazing was that?

Speaker 9 And I remember, like, you know, I ran into Eddie Murphy two summers ago. And,

Speaker 9 you know,

Speaker 9 and I'm, you know, Eddie's idea was, you know, what he said was like, look, you know, I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Speaker 9 And I didn't realize like the best time I ever had in my life was there, you know.

Speaker 9 Yeah. And it's like, you know, it's true.

Speaker 4 And it is true. Are you happy that you were on SNL during a time when no one had cell phones, so the after parties were extra fun? Because I, that's also part of it, is like being SNL fans.

Speaker 4 You know, it's so

Speaker 9 no no one's ever been as blunt with me as that but uh but no you're a thousand percent right because I remember going to like I mean I mean it's a hundred hour work week if you if you like if you did it right and if you were a young guy and you want to take advantage of the situation I loved it I loved that being there and I like writing and having somebody go you know get you a sandwich at like two in the morning and there are people people were dying to get a job there and so you had people who literally would research stuff for you and get you whatever and the stuff and it was like fun.

Speaker 9 Right. And I remember like the guy, one of the guys who was like one of the writer's assistants is now running a, is now the GM for a local TV place in Ohio.

Speaker 9 Every time if I'm doing stand-up there, he says, come on, man. And he shows me pictures of me and Chris Barley and David Spade and Adam Sandler.

Speaker 9 And he's got these little, you know, Polaroids of it, you know. And so it was.

Speaker 9 The grace. But what was your question? I'm sorry.

Speaker 4 The after parties. How sick were those?

Speaker 9 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So here's what happened.

Speaker 9 Like, I would, you know you're you know it's you're wiped out at the end of the week and you're exhausted and you're you're like i remember like at like at the the

Speaker 9 you know i'm asian so it doesn't go 100

Speaker 9 but like i remember like i would be tired by nine o'clock but by the by by like 10 30 but by 11 30 the show my eyes would be almost slits would be closed because i was that exhausted because it's like the end of a hundred hour week and you get a peek at the end of the hundred hours not like 50 or 60 or 70 hours so after the show you can't wait to just let your hair down go to a party and just relax and i remember like somebody took a picture of me this is before the cell phone stuck and they had me sign it the next week and i'm literally like this

Speaker 9 just blitzed yeah and then we're like fuck i better like sober up or something you know yeah yeah yeah i have to do something to wake up from that uh but it was like a combination of you know you're exhausted and you're having a few drinks and like you're letting your hair down and like is this the last week i'm going to be in show business maybe one more week you don't know and you're with a bunch of very funny people which i'm sure are good hang at a bar absolutely yeah no i gotta tell you i mean farley spade sandler rock

Speaker 9 i there's just uh you know

Speaker 9 it's an it's an insane amount of funny people right and they're incredibly funny and that likes a guy like no one can compete with farley because no one's willing to hurt themselves and like he is you know right and and but

Speaker 9 And then

Speaker 9 the easiest giggle in the room is Sandler. Sandler's always giggling whatever Farley does.
So Farley's going to take it to another level.

Speaker 9 And then Spade was always commenting and doing the opposite of that. And so it was just a,

Speaker 9 and then the guy who had the right take on everything was always Chris Rock. I mean, he just has a handle on human behavior and just reads things.
He's a beautiful guy. Beautiful, brilliant.

Speaker 6 Was there a certain host that came in and you guys went out with him on Saturday after the show was over?

Speaker 9 and you're like god i hope that guy never hosts again because i stayed out i never talk about that i never really worry about it because you know show business is like you can have somebody having a bad day and that doesn't necessarily represent who they are no no i meant the other way around you could have some like you had so much fun with them at the end you can have somebody have a bad week i mean you could have somebody have a bad week i remember hosts who didn't like us

Speaker 9 I remember like a guy I loved and he hated us. He hated us.
Hated us.

Speaker 4 Tom Hanks.

Speaker 9 No, no, Hanks was lovely.

Speaker 4 he was always beautiful but was it

Speaker 6 was there a guy that was like so much fun to hang out with after the show that you were like bent up for a few days and you're like man if that guy ever comes back I'm probably gonna die in the after party

Speaker 9 well I mean

Speaker 9 he wasn't he wasn't like heavy partying but like

Speaker 9 you could tell he wanted to

Speaker 9 was John Goodman. John Goodman's like, oh, I wish I could go off right now.
These are the guys I would do that with.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 6 He seems like he can put a few away.

Speaker 9 He's just, he's one of those guys who is,

Speaker 9 you know, an all-timer. You know, it was like, it's just a great, a great guy, great actor, a great comedian, great timing, great dramatic actor, and just an incredible, incredible guy.

Speaker 9 He's just like, you're drawn to people like that. Hanks was the same way.
Alec Baldwin is the same way. We would just, you know, you know, there was an edge to Alec Baldwin

Speaker 9 because, you know, just having that many brothers, you know, he's always looking for somebody who's going to punch me in the face, who's going to take my sandwich, who's going to, you know, and,

Speaker 9 but just a great guy and a brilliant actor and can do anything and was fearless and just was as comfortable with comedy and dumping himself in the middle of

Speaker 9 some silly sketch and without bringing any baggage of a really terrific dramatic actor. And I would admire him to this day for that.

Speaker 4 Do you know that you are part of a conspiracy theory online?

Speaker 9 Probably.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 our colleague Nick

Speaker 4 wrote a blog titled Rob

Speaker 4 Schneider, a Harbinger of Disaster. So apparently, every time you have a new movie out, a big oil spill happens within a week of that movie.

Speaker 9 I don't.

Speaker 9 I can't say. I mean, I think you can kind of...
There's usually some kind of oil spill or something happening anytime anyway.

Speaker 4 Yes, it's somewhat shocking, though. It's shy.
Deuce Bigelow, December 10th, 1999, MV Erica tanker spill, December 11th, 1999.

Speaker 4 Hmm.

Speaker 9 Yeah, yeah, but

Speaker 9 if it's in the same place,

Speaker 9 I'll agree with you.

Speaker 4 Okay,

Speaker 4 Deuce Bigelow, European Gigelo, August 12th, 2005, Hurricane Katrina spill reaches shore August 5th through 15th, 2005.

Speaker 9 Yeah, but you can't say no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 4 No, no.

Speaker 9 Hey, no, you're you're saying spill. That means no, no, no.
The spill reached. There's not the same time as an ocean thing.

Speaker 4 Grown ups.

Speaker 4 Grown-ups, June 20th. No, no, no, no.
You got to give it to you. Give me 2010.
Deepwater Horizon vessel disconnect June 25th, 2010. Wow.
Bob, the facts add up.

Speaker 9 That's not, you can't, that's not.

Speaker 4 Stop making movies and dropping oil everywhere.

Speaker 9 That's Adam Sandler's movie.

Speaker 4 That's like, that's, that's a bit of a stretch.

Speaker 9 I will say, though, though, like, you know, the bloggers and those guys.

Speaker 4 yeah, I mean, like,

Speaker 9 once you, once you realize like the pressure that they're under, you go, like, God, I hope they can come up with something like that.

Speaker 9 They got to sell like 12 articles to still live in their mother's basement.

Speaker 4 Yep, they're living.

Speaker 6 Listen, uh-huh. You have not.

Speaker 4 I'm not saying they'll

Speaker 4 get

Speaker 4 a hectic schedule until you've blogged nine to four. What do you really think about bloggers? We're in the trust tree.
We don't even know any bloggers.

Speaker 9 I just think

Speaker 9 they got a scam going.

Speaker 9 I don't know how big the scam is, but I get it. It's tough for everybody out there, especially, you know, now.

Speaker 9 So, whatever thing they could try to, you know, if they can correlate me to some whatever natural disaster or a man-made disaster and make a hundred bucks out of it, which is probably all that article paid,

Speaker 4 got less less.

Speaker 4 Way less, way less.

Speaker 6 You can be part of the solution, Rob.

Speaker 6 Maybe every time you make a movie, you go show up on a beach somewhere wearing like a parka and just like with a toothpaste and a toothbrush, just like clean up a seal. Yeah.

Speaker 9 I think you're right. If that article was big enough, I would consider it.
But I don't know how many eyeballs that got.

Speaker 4 How many comments did it?

Speaker 6 How many comments are on that? Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 4 At least 11.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 6 You know, speaking of Deuce Bigelow, what came first? The name Deuce Bigelow or the occupation Male Gigelow?

Speaker 9 Well, I'll tell you the truth. The original title was called Deuce Baggio Male Prostitute.

Speaker 9 And I remember

Speaker 9 the head of the studio at the time, Joe Roth, said to me at one of those Disney parties, he said, Come here, Rob, come here. Hey,

Speaker 9 if you think I'm going to spend $12 million to make a movie called Douchebag, you got a fucking real problem. Go change that goddamn name.
All right.

Speaker 4 Okay. Hey, Steve.

Speaker 9 Very quick conversation.

Speaker 9 I went right to my little Hollywood Hills.

Speaker 9 I just thought it was funny. I honestly, you know, was amazed that they were even going to make this little movie.

Speaker 9 You know, thank God, you know, my buddy Adam Sandler decided to start producing movies other than his own. That was the first one he did.

Speaker 9 And I went up to my little Hollywood Hells house and jumped in the pool.

Speaker 4 And I said, I better come up with another name.

Speaker 9 And so I was just, you know, you're thinking like H. Ventura, you know, like, I will deuce,

Speaker 9 you know, that wasn't much. Deuce Bigelow, whatever, you know.

Speaker 4 I just thought

Speaker 9 there wasn't much thought into it. It was just, you know, very silly comedy that I, you know, I don't know if they'd even make today.

Speaker 9 But silly's king. If you make a silly movie, make people die laughing, they'll never forget it.
And I went to the theater when like,

Speaker 9 when that came out, when we're doing the previews, and like people were dying laughing. And it was like, I said, I think we might have a hit here.
Maybe this will work, you know? Yeah. And

Speaker 9 it just, it's a process that you go through. And it's hard.
It's the hardest thing in all show business is to get a movie made.

Speaker 9 do you usually go to the theaters and and watch your own movies like in and out i feel weird about it you know because but then at the same time it's not like i'm a stand-up i gotta like i want to see that reaction i spent a year of my life on that movie

Speaker 9 a year and three months you know i was like writing it and then like editing it making it yeah rewriting it rewrite 17 drafts or whatever and like

Speaker 9 and uh and then you know you film it which is a blast then you edit it then you screen it then you do then you make some little trims in it and you mix it which is also fun And, you know, and then you put it out there.

Speaker 9 So you want to sneak in opening night in the back of the theater, see if they're laughing, see if their people are in the seats, too. And I remember once, as

Speaker 9 I was out someplace with Adam Sandler, and his buddy Quentin Tarantino was there.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 His buddy.

Speaker 9 And I remember, yeah.

Speaker 9 He was in Little Nikki with Adam. And I think some of the other things.

Speaker 4 That's where I know him. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 4 I couldn't place it.

Speaker 9 Yeah. And

Speaker 9 so

Speaker 9 I said, yeah, he said, so he was saying, hey, congrats on the movie, man. You reacted really funny, man.

Speaker 9 And I said, yeah, he says, it was kind of embarrassing to admit, but like, I would go, and I was just at the theaters, you know, I had to sit and sit in the back and watch the reaction.

Speaker 9 He said, it's kind of embarrassing to miss that. What do you mean? It's not embarrassing, man.
When I have a movie come out, I go and I sit from like noon till fucking midnight.

Speaker 9 I'm there for every show.

Speaker 9 I mean, that's what I make it for, man. It's for the people.
I want to see their reaction. I want to see if those stuff is in my head, if that works.
What else am I in?

Speaker 9 Holy shit, you know, I mean, it makes sense, right?

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's what's fun.

Speaker 6 I feel like that's what Quentin Tarantino would do, anyways, just spend all day, every day inside a movie.

Speaker 4 And Deuce Bigelow made $92 million. Was that the moment where you're like,

Speaker 4 America's fucked?

Speaker 4 You mean, well,

Speaker 9 what do you mean? In what sense?

Speaker 4 Deuce Bigelow, like, was that big of a success? Like, wow. And, like, you said, it's a silly kind of comedy.

Speaker 9 I wouldn't say America's fucked because of that.

Speaker 9 I wouldn't describe it that way.

Speaker 4 Well, the oil tank, too. Okay.
That correlates.

Speaker 9 No, I just, the thing to me, I didn't understand, like, I didn't understand what the numbers were that meant hit.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 9 You know, it made more money than Mission Impossible did in DVDs, which ended up being that's when DVDs kind of first really, really took over from videos.

Speaker 9 So I didn't know that that was like a gigantic fucking deal, you know.

Speaker 9 But it made, it was the second most profitable movie, a second most highest grossing DVD next to only slightly below like a few hundred thousand dollars below like Green Mile.

Speaker 9 So it's like Green Mile, Deuce Bigelow, Mission Impossible. It's like, holy shit.
So that was gigantic. So at that time, I could do anything I wanted.
It was like the wide open.

Speaker 9 I was, you know, it was, it was more money than like, you know, my dad was just like stunned by how much money I started making. And,

Speaker 9 you know, at the end of the day, it's really, you know, the guys who make the decisions in Hollywood, it's about like not

Speaker 9 what they think is the best movie or not what they think what they're excited to produce or put their name on. It's like every executive knows they're going to get fired sooner than later.

Speaker 9 And so they make decisions on what will delay my inevitable firing the longest.

Speaker 9 And so what they do is they just like, well, whatever's a hit or hot has a chance to be a hit, I want to put my name on that.

Speaker 9 And that's why they like, they want to make like 200, 300 million dollar movies if they can, because they know the studio has to push that through.

Speaker 9 And so if that goes down, everybody goes down. So it's just like this stuff that you don't realize when you're just

Speaker 9 making a little $12 million movie that in hindsight you wish you did know, but you're going to learn sooner or later.

Speaker 9 So

Speaker 9 it's been a fun ride. And,

Speaker 9 you know, I mean, getting a chance to still to do it is, you know, it's unbelievable.

Speaker 4 So I have one last question. It's the meundy's soft question of the day.

Speaker 4 Go to meundies.com slash PMT to get 15 off your first purchase speaking of movies and making movies we have a movie for you yeah uh have you heard of it already i mean i i assume that adam sandler is probably involved

Speaker 4 david spade's involved

Speaker 4 ever heard of these guys zach afron yeah he's a yes it's called boner dogs

Speaker 4 Done. Done.
Okay, you're right.

Speaker 4 We don't have to pitch you. You're in.
I've got a role for you.

Speaker 6 Yeah, you're in. And as we said, Adam is executive producing it.
We've got a cast lined up for it.

Speaker 6 You are the one like missing piece of like the Sandler Hollywood mafia that we need to be attached to this.

Speaker 6 I would like you to play uh the Catahoula, the Catahoula dog, which is like a New Orleans swamp dog.

Speaker 6 And he's he's a sled dog, and one of the dogs gets a boner, and then the dog doesn't know what to do with its boner. And then you say, Do you know what you say? As the Cajun dog, no,

Speaker 6 what think back to the water boy,

Speaker 9 Fix your own problem.

Speaker 4 Get that away from me.

Speaker 9 That is not my issue.

Speaker 9 I'm going back in the swamp until that goes back down.

Speaker 4 There you go. Okay.

Speaker 6 Well, you just read for it. Yeah, perfect.

Speaker 4 We're going to put that in. We're going to be casting director

Speaker 4 saying yes.

Speaker 9 I get it. No, no, no.
I totally, I see what market you're going for, and it's a wide one. So are you in?

Speaker 4 That's in. Yeah, you're in.

Speaker 9 Totally.

Speaker 9 I got your back.

Speaker 4 Okay. I mean, I sense a little bit of prehension, but legally.
But what's going to happen is I don't think you realize this.

Speaker 4 Like, Adam's going to come to you in, like, three years and be like, hey, I got this new movie I just bought the rights to. It's called Boner Dogs.
And you're going to be like, I'm in.

Speaker 9 Yes. Well, you know, with a name like that, you got to go with what gets the kids.

Speaker 4 It's not us. Nope.

Speaker 9 You guys are over 30. You're no longer your audience anymore.

Speaker 4 I look like I'm a little bit more.

Speaker 9 You got to go with the 14-year-olds.

Speaker 9 No, no, no. You can tell your body language, you're in your 30s.

Speaker 4 Just like a slunch, a hunch of the blogging poster. What does that mean? Is that another blogger joke? Yeah, it sure is.

Speaker 9 No, no, just starting to get to the point in your life, like, you know, maybe everything isn't going to work out.

Speaker 4 That's true. Been there.

Speaker 4 That's a comfortable place to be.

Speaker 9 That's where you want to be, man. You got to let go at that point, man.
You don't hold on to these unrealistic dreams. You're in it now, man.
You're part of the whole wheel that's turned. But, yeah.

Speaker 6 you're in okay you're in you're actually gonna there's gonna be like a 15 year old kid that comes up to you in a supermarket and is like rob you're gonna be in boner dogs and at that point you'll believe trust me it will happen to you and i got a payment for you hey listen hey i gotta tell you i think uh seth rogan made that movie already

Speaker 4 No no did he made the I think he did he might have made a movie about a pickle guy. No, that was different.
Yeah, that was boner dogs. What about all the food, all the boner dogs smoked weed?

Speaker 4 Sausage party. Sausage party.
Sausage party, yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah. How familiar.

Speaker 9 I think I don't want to get sued by Seth Rogan, so now I'm out.

Speaker 4 He's Canadian. He can't figure out.
No, you didn't let me tell you what. We're, instead of, in lieu of payment,

Speaker 4 I'm going to get the Rob Schneider oil spill

Speaker 4 blog deleted from the internet.

Speaker 9 You can't, man, when it's on the internet, it's there forever.

Speaker 4 It's gone, man.

Speaker 4 People know that. Just apologize for the oil spills.
That's all we can do.

Speaker 9 Somebody's going to take that shit and they're going to already take pictures of it and screenshots. It's there forever, man.

Speaker 4 The internet don't go away, man. It's true.

Speaker 4 Take that with you. Oh, man.
All right. Well, Rob, thank you so much.

Speaker 9 Everyone, check out. Thank you.
I love your set. You got the best name in the whole podcast industry.

Speaker 4 Oh, thank you. Appreciate it.
Would you say that to every podcast? Pardon my take?

Speaker 9 No, because they don't have some respectable-looking set like you have there.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you like to bench press? You've probably never seen one of these in your life.

Speaker 6 How much you bench?

Speaker 9 Well, you know, it's not about how much you do. It's if you get off your ass and do it.
That's a nice piece of equipment. We're just about to buy that for

Speaker 9 mansion here.

Speaker 9 My wife wants one.

Speaker 4 Nice, nice. The manor.
Sick flex.

Speaker 4 Nice.

Speaker 9 Okay. No, I know.
I just, I sold one. I had one similar to that, a little bit more upscale.
But

Speaker 9 it slid and then stopped. You know, that one of those things.
Yeah, yeah. But I wasn't using it.

Speaker 4 Oh, you're talking about the ones where it like it goes in the thing so you can't hurt yourself. Oh, she's not that machine.
That's a beta machine. Yeah, that doesn't raw capsule.

Speaker 4 You don't know what raw power feels like.

Speaker 9 I don't want to know what raw power feels like.

Speaker 4 Right, exactly.

Speaker 4 I don't want to know.

Speaker 9 I can't afford not to know.

Speaker 4 Correct. Right.

Speaker 9 Spend the extra couple, $250 and get the thing that kind of locks for you.

Speaker 4 Who's the blogger here with the fucking...

Speaker 4 Your mention with the guards? Jesus, man.

Speaker 9 No, no, no, no, no. You're going to want to go there.
You talk to me right now. In five years, you're going to get that right back there.

Speaker 9 And then you'll know.

Speaker 9 Then you'll say

Speaker 4 Rob was right. Yeah.
No, thank you.

Speaker 4 I bet you have sex with condoms.

Speaker 9 You should take that boner dog money of yours when you get it and invest in some real workout equipment behind you.

Speaker 9 Save your boner dog money.

Speaker 4 Don't promote away. Oh, no, no.
I have no

Speaker 4 stupid as shit possible.

Speaker 9 It is impressive.

Speaker 9 I like that you got the 25s. You could have easily put the 45s up there.

Speaker 4 No, we were honest.

Speaker 4 It's actually tens up there. They're 10s.
They just look.

Speaker 6 These are like the CrossFit weights. So

Speaker 6 this is what Billy bench presses.

Speaker 4 Sounds like your trainer's been lying to you. You think these are 25s.

Speaker 8 Are those 10s?

Speaker 4 These are 10s. Yeah, these are 10s.
Your trainer's been lying to you.

Speaker 6 But I curl it with one arm.

Speaker 4 They're like, Rob, you're benching so much these days.

Speaker 9 Is it the sand 10s or is it like the metal tens?

Speaker 6 No, it's sand. That's composite.

Speaker 4 Oh, you are a weightlifter.

Speaker 6 That's lightweight. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Bumpers. They're bumpers.

Speaker 9 If you get the plates, if you look, it's closer. If the plates, it's closer to the 25 size.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Yeah.
That is.

Speaker 6 I did have one last question for you.

Speaker 4 Last week. Yes, sir.

Speaker 9 What can I do for you?

Speaker 6 You've been in three of the best football movies of all time. Did you know that?

Speaker 9 I don't know. The Waterboy's pretty damn good.

Speaker 6 The Waterboy, The Longest Yard, The Remake, and Necessary Roughness.

Speaker 9 Well, I gotta say, like, I love Adam Sandler's, my pal, forever. I just showed up to say hi.
The next thing I know, I just got back from doing a movie in Europe. I come back to say hi.

Speaker 9 The next thing I know, I'm in the Mexican gang saying, gang bang in the showers.

Speaker 9 We had to loop into

Speaker 9 free showers or whatever it was, like group hugs in the showers, you know.

Speaker 9 But that's what happens if you say, if you show up on the movie set and say hi, the next thing you know, you'll be in the movie, the Mexican gang. But

Speaker 9 yeah, I think, you know, the original, when I was a kid, that's the greatest sports movie, you know, Burt Reynolds was the coolest guy.

Speaker 9 And you, to be on the set with Burt Reynolds was unbelievable, you know, because that, as a kid growing up, that was the coolest guy.

Speaker 9 We didn't have Marlon Brando growing up. We didn't, you know, the guy for us was Burt Reynolds.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 9 That was the coolest. So when Burt Reynolds was a guy playing in a football movie, you believed like that is the quarterback.
There's no doubt, you know.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 9 That movie to me just was like, if you're 11 and you see the longest yard, it's the greatest thing you've ever seen in your life.

Speaker 9 And so that was, and so to be on the set and see the remake of that with Adam playing that part and to have like Burt Reynolds there was like one of the most unbelievable things ever.

Speaker 6 Yeah, we just got to start showing up on the movie sets and getting offered these gigs as the prison rapist.

Speaker 9 Hey, thank you, baby. So, but hey, but I wish you guys the best and continued success for you.

Speaker 9 And whatever, whatever, if you want to use composite or if you want to use the plates, if you want to step it up, I'm just going to support you, whatever you guys do.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I mean, we'll talk to you soon when we start Booner Dogs. So,

Speaker 4 all right. You laugh, but we're definitely going to make it, and you're definitely going to be, dude.

Speaker 6 And your payment is going to be real man's weights.

Speaker 4 Like, you're actually going to be in this movie.

Speaker 9 I made a movie called The Animal, so don't worry about it. Yeah,

Speaker 9 it ain't about to title me. It's with my handy channel.

Speaker 9 Keep it out there, boy. All right.

Speaker 4 Thanks so much, Rob.

Speaker 9 Thanks for letting me plug my comedy special, Asian Mama, Mexican Kids. And it's on Netflix streaming worldwide now.
And it was a lot of fun to do. And that's where I started.

Speaker 9 And I wanted to like a testament, a record of me doing stand-up because that's where I started. Most people won't even know that I did it.
And so thank you for helping me promote it.

Speaker 4 All right. Yeah.
Check it out. Thanks so much, Rob.
Hope your chin heals. Take care.
Yes. All right.
Good luck on that. See you.
Thank you. All right.
See you. All right, buddy.

Speaker 6 That interview with Rob Schneider was brought to you by our good, good friends over at.

Speaker 1 Hey, what's going on there, pal?

Speaker 11 We saw you at the hockey game on.

Speaker 8 Do I i know you guys i'm ryan whitney i got a drink named after me not a big deal pink whitney that's what i thought see you fellas i invented the thing you pigeon pink whitney for legendary moments and now here's tim woods

Speaker 4 okay it is that time again we have our very very good friend tim woods back in studio how's it going good to be here it's great to have you tim we are going to continue our dungeons and dragons quest we also have a little wrinkle this time.

Speaker 4 We have the ping pong lottery machine set up with numbers one through 20.

Speaker 4 So if you're watching this after the fact, you also get a, I think we're going to have the camera on it for all the rolls as well. So it should be very, very exciting.

Speaker 4 I actually don't know how it's going to affect this game because it's going to be a little bit more ransy.

Speaker 6 So I feel like when I roll the dice, I'm more likely to get like a 15 through 20.

Speaker 4 Correct.

Speaker 6 When I'm doing this, I might get like a two or three.

Speaker 4 I got hot last game. Yeah.
Everybody had like three 20s. I actually, Tim, Tim, someone there was like, you don't know how long I've been playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 4 I've never had three 20s in a game. I was like, yeah.

Speaker 8 We have had some amazing swings of luck. And I have to say, I'm very excited to see this new dice tower in action because I don't think I've ever worked with such a cool D20 before.

Speaker 8 I think this one feels charged with good luck.

Speaker 4 So would you say that like everyone in the Dungeons and Dragons community is going to look at us and be like, damn, these guys are cool?

Speaker 8 I think that there's a lot of competition for cool dice towers. And I think right now we've got the coolest coolest one right now.

Speaker 4 That's what I would say.

Speaker 8 You know what we should do?

Speaker 6 We should like paint it so it looks like a dragon air.

Speaker 4 We could. We got this whole this whole front.
All right, so Tim, let's back style. Yeah, let's recap where we're at.
Absolutely.

Speaker 4 So people can know where we're picking up our story, and then we'll get into it.

Speaker 8 For sure. So we had last left our group of heroes when they had been delving into the cave of a dragon cult, where it seems like they had been using this cave as their headquarters.

Speaker 8 And while kind of dungeon delving into here to defeat some of the cultists and fight some of their monster minions we had discovered that they had been expecting us and had prepared an ambush for us from none other than our own berserker billy who had been raised from the dead we defeated him once more a second time and after he got slain uh by the warlock urlich dealing the final blow once more uh we are now left uh pretty much safe in this dungeon right now having just defeated Berserker Billy, but also gotten a bunch of guard drakes on our side.

Speaker 8 The cult has all these guard drakes locked up in a cage nearby, and right now they are howling the praises of Norm the Barbarian.

Speaker 8 A little bit, a little bit.

Speaker 8 Courtesy of the bard who convinced them. Wayne had convinced them to join our side, I believe.

Speaker 8 And we did also find out at the very end, end of last session that this cave isn't just a headquarters for this cult.

Speaker 8 We think it is also a hatchery of some kind, and it is maybe where they are keeping some dragon eggs that at the very least are highly valuable in the world of dnd regardless of whatever else we could maybe do with dragon eggs in our hand i have a quick question absolutely not to get too into you know throwback to the game of thrones but how does a dragon hatching work in terms of like in drag in game of thrones you have to be you know mother of dragons in the fire like is there a similar setup with that or like can we just get an egg and it hatches there would be a definitely a similar setup and I would say a fire dragon like a red dragon would be very similar to game of thrones but there are many different dragons in the world of D ⁇ D, so it depends on the egg and how much you know about that particular kind of dragon.

Speaker 8 So we would have to see what eggs are there and then we would be able to know at that point.

Speaker 4 It sounds like we want to take these eggs. I mean he's

Speaker 4 gasping. Yeah, there's

Speaker 4 nothing else.

Speaker 6 I feel like we could crack the eggs open and make some serious omelets and get some gains.

Speaker 8 True.

Speaker 4 Heck of an omelet.

Speaker 6 Yeah, now are the eggs, are they like in the embryo stage if we were to come across an egg? Are there different stages of egg development?

Speaker 8 In theory, there would be many different stages of egg development, and depending on how good we do on knowledge checks, our wizard might be the expert here for figuring out, okay, how do we maybe help this egg grow to its full power and hatch quickly?

Speaker 4 Absolutely. All right, so

Speaker 6 let's try to find these eggs.

Speaker 4 Absolutely. Whose turn is it?

Speaker 8 I'm going to let us know that right now we're going to be starting with Cake's turn, then Ehrlich, Wayne, and Norm next.

Speaker 8 In theory, we're keeping the same initiative order right now, but I also do want to say that right now we are all in luck because we were pretty badly injured, or if we weren't injured, we had maybe some spell slots that we had used up in the case of the wizard.

Speaker 8 But right now, after defeating Berserker Billy, especially because it was the Warlock Ehrlich who like defeated this demonic creature once more, I would say there's a surge of energy that fills all of us up and we are back up to full hit points and full spell slots as though we had gotten a full rest right now.

Speaker 8 In addition, all of our characters were level two, and after defeating Berserker Billy, that levels us up to level three.

Speaker 8 So we have a lot more hit points than we had just a moment ago.

Speaker 8 And we each gained kind of like one little ability. I'll just let us know real quick.
Wayne, you now have the spell invisibility. You can turn yourself invisible when you want.

Speaker 8 And that's very useful for like sneaking around and doing stuff like that.

Speaker 8 Norm the barbarian, you now have the berserker rage ability, where you can now swing two times, just like Berserker Billy used to be able to do, except you can do it every turn

Speaker 4 as much as you want. Just to clarify, I'm stronger than Billy.
I now have the only thing that he brought to the table, and he's still very much dead.

Speaker 8 And he's still very much dead.

Speaker 4 I just wanted to make sure that that was all clear.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. And you are now a Berserker Barbarian with a lot of hit points.

Speaker 8 And Ehrlich, you are maybe gaining my favorite level three ability, which is where Warlocks really start to flourish is at level three, because you are now a pact of the chain warlock.

Speaker 8 and that means you have summoned and bound a little demon who sits on your shoulder and does your bidding.

Speaker 8 This demon has a little scorpion tail that can sting people for like a ton of poison damage and they can turn themselves invisible or into like a bird or a bat or a spider or something like that.

Speaker 7 So can I name? Should we name it?

Speaker 8 You can absolutely. I would love to know.
You can take your time on it or you can let me know.

Speaker 7 When it gets to my turn, I'll get an animal.

Speaker 8 100%.

Speaker 8 I'm very excited to hear about your demon then. And it is specifically a type of demon known as an imp, technically a devil type.

Speaker 6 It's just anytime you talk to him before 11 a.m. That's that's what Hank is right now.

Speaker 4 Absolutely.

Speaker 8 And in theory, then that is all kind of our well, Cake, you in theory gain a bunch of second level spells, but I'm going to kind of see what you want to do in any given situation because you have so many options.

Speaker 8 I'm just going to go over wizards, have so many different spells they can choose from. We'll see what you want to cast in a given circumstance, but you will have new spells that you have access to.

Speaker 8 But at the moment, we are in a cave that seems to have two exits besides the the way we just came from which was like back to the fungi pit uh there's two different ways to go we don't know which way leads to the dragon eggs but then next to us to the north there's also the caged off area where the hounds the guard drakes are all locked up these lizard-like creatures with horns in the center of their head what would you like to do right now you could like scout ahead in one direction or what do you got it's like a 50-50 shot yeah like the the road less traveled seems like it might be the better option because people aren't just walking in and out of the hatchery willy-nilly well everyone zigs, will zag.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. So you got kind of a left tunnel and a right tunnel.
You don't know which way is going to the eggs. Which way do you want to go? Left or right?

Speaker 10 I'm a lefty. I got to go left.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. Love it.
So I'm going to tell you, as you go left, you are coming to a cave that looks like a dead end and you don't see any eggs immediately, but you see boxes of supplies in the corner.

Speaker 8 It looks like food stuff has been piled up here.

Speaker 8 And then on the other side of the room, there is some kind of pile of rags that's been tossed here with a creature that is asleep, it seems, on that pile of rags.

Speaker 8 It is a big creature that is chained to the wall right now. And you immediately don't even need to make a check to know what this thing is.

Speaker 8 It has the wings and front body of an eagle, but its back body is a lion. And this, you know, is a griffin.
This is a flying mythical creature.

Speaker 8 But it looks like it is chained to this wall right now and by all accounts a prisoner of this cult at the moment. And you see this griffin hasn't woken up or anything.
You can do whatever you like.

Speaker 4 I think the Griffin... I mean, the only...

Speaker 6 Why are we going to kill the Griffin?

Speaker 4 A Griffin could be a very powerful ally. Oh, fuck it.
Didn't you hear about the rags? On a period. Oh, true.

Speaker 6 It's also asleep, so you have to ask if they get pregnant.

Speaker 4 Come on.

Speaker 6 Hank, Hank wants to rape a Griffin on

Speaker 4 time out, Hank. Time out.
Hank. Relax.
The demon's coming out a little early, Hank. This is, you're playing the role of Billy today.

Speaker 4 So, the Griffin,

Speaker 10 it seems like this would go a few different ways, but I don't think it's that.

Speaker 9 We've already taken down a dragon.

Speaker 4 We can handle a Griffin.

Speaker 8 Griffin's not a ton of people.

Speaker 7 We could also become friends with it and have it join our squad. Like, who doesn't want to have an Eagle Half-Technology?

Speaker 4 Not a tiny team.

Speaker 10 Let's see what the Griffin has in store.

Speaker 6 Is the Griffin. You said that there were rags.
Is it healthy?

Speaker 8 It does not look healthy in the sense that it looks like it's been chained here for a long time

Speaker 4 and is being beaten occasionally.

Speaker 6 It's a Robert Griffin, it sounds like.

Speaker 6 Can I, yeah, you want to check in on it?

Speaker 10 Yeah, let's see. Let's see the health.
Let's do a health check.

Speaker 8 Absolutely.

Speaker 4 Go ahead and roll a medicine check on that.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. You can roll it.
Yeah. Okay, our first roll.
Very exciting.

Speaker 4 Oh, oh, oh, no.

Speaker 4 I like the dive back.

Speaker 8 Fortunately, with a four, well, you do have a plus three on this, so you got a seven total.

Speaker 8 And with a seven, you go to check on the Griffin, and it almost like reaches over and snaps at you, but it realizes at the last moment and freezes, and then in the common tongue says to you, well,

Speaker 8 you don't seem like a cultist.

Speaker 4 Who are you?

Speaker 8 And it seems like they're awake. They are awake now.
You thought they were unconscious, but it turns out they are unconscious.

Speaker 4 I'm Cake the Wizard.

Speaker 8 Cake the Wizard? You don't seem like one of the cultists, Cake the Wizard.

Speaker 8 What are you doing here? How did you get here? I'm here to help you.

Speaker 10 I'm not here to intimidate you.

Speaker 8 You're here to help? Well, unchain me from this wall then.

Speaker 8 Help help me help you.

Speaker 8 Are you trying to get out of here? Or what are you doing?

Speaker 10 We want your help to get to the dragon eggs.

Speaker 8 Dragon eggs? You're going after the eggs? Bold move, but I approve. I'll help you if you unchain me from the wall.

Speaker 8 And then kind of gestures at the chain, which is kind of embedded into the wall by a rusty spike that's kind of hammered into the wall.

Speaker 8 The Griffin says, I've been trying a few times, but I haven't pulled myself free. Now you could try your strength, but your strength is not great.

Speaker 10 Can my teammate tag in for me? Isn't Big Cot really strong?

Speaker 8 Absolutely. I would let

Speaker 8 him strong. I would let you have Norm tag in right now on your turn to do your action in that case.
If it's the two of you working together, actually, then you can both roll.

Speaker 8 You can roll two times, one for each of you. He's helping you right now.

Speaker 4 You roll a dot and I'll hit the pressure.

Speaker 6 I'd just like to say ahead of time, like, I'm in favor of going forward down this path, but just keep an eye because this Griffin seems like he was a little too eager for us to let him out, you know?

Speaker 6 You think he's setting us up? I question his motives, but that's fine. I think we can kill him if we need to.

Speaker 10 Jake's going to roll. I'm going to do the ping-pong.

Speaker 8 This is going to be your strength check, and then this is Norm helping you on the ping-pong. Eight.

Speaker 4 Eight, okay.

Speaker 8 You're loosening it up. You're loosening it up for him.
Technically, that's a seven total, though.

Speaker 4 You have a minus one. Oh,

Speaker 4 it didn't go up. It didn't go up.

Speaker 6 That doesn't count. It was going to be an eight, but it doesn't count.

Speaker 8 Doesn't count if it doesn't emerge yet.

Speaker 4 It's got got to emerge.

Speaker 8 I feel like this is going to be a 20. This has an extra element of maybe it could be a 20, and then it falls back.

Speaker 4 I feel like it's going to be a 20.

Speaker 4 I've been on a hot streak.

Speaker 4 Oh, it's an eight. Paul, don't lie.
Okay, it's an eight.

Speaker 8 It's an eight, but with a plus five total for you, Norm. You are getting it done, and you are able to yank the chain out of the wall.

Speaker 8 The Griffin still has the chain around his neck, but it is now free from the wall. And he whips the chain around.
All right, let's go.

Speaker 8 let's let's oh you're going for the eggs not getting out of here all right i'll come with you let's go and he's very excited to join us it seems okay absolutely and uh um cake you can do whatever else you want you could also roll an insight check on this griffin if you feel like you don't trust him i trust him absolutely i love it fantastic cake then you have you have a lot to learn about journalism griffin and uh at this point erlick we would be up to you next it seems like we found to the left was a dead end that we just freed a griffin from and there's a way to go to the right but we've also got these chained up Drakes who might join us if we free them as well now.

Speaker 4 So, should I roll? Absolutely, you can do whatever. Whatever you want to go lotto.

Speaker 8 In theory, you also.

Speaker 4 Let's go lotto with only theory. In theory, what?

Speaker 8 In theory, you can go to the right is the one way we haven't explored yet, unless you want to do something with the Drakes, who are currently still chained up at the moment.

Speaker 8 Not chained up, but locked up.

Speaker 7 The Drakes are our enemies, though.

Speaker 8 They were our enemies until we got a critical hit convincing them to think Norm the barbarian is just the coolest.

Speaker 7 So should we do should we do what we did with the Griffin and free the Drakes and then strengthen numbers and just go down and fuck up these dragons?

Speaker 4 Squad.

Speaker 8 You could if you wish, absolutely.

Speaker 7 But what are the chances that the Drakes turn on us?

Speaker 8 Right now, it seems like they're going to help us as long as they get to attack somebody who is our enemy. Once they run out of enemies, then they might start getting bored.

Speaker 8 But we did get a critical hit.

Speaker 6 It was a pretty good roll. You remember once we start to lose, the Drakes quickly lose interest in following you.

Speaker 7 And we don't know what else is down the cave.

Speaker 4 Anything else you can do? Do we need strength and numbers?

Speaker 7 What do you guys think? I don't know.

Speaker 4 It's your role, dude.

Speaker 6 I don't necessarily trust the Drakes. I don't trust the Drake's either.

Speaker 4 I feel like we. And we already have the Girl Death.

Speaker 4 We could fuck them up. We got fucked up if I had Berserker now.

Speaker 7 Can we kill one of them just to show them we mean business and then free the rest?

Speaker 8 You absolutely could.

Speaker 8 They're caged up right now. I'd say if you like Eldritch Blast one of them right now, I'll let you make an Intimidate check to see if the others all fall in line.

Speaker 4 All right, let's do do that. You have a plus five.

Speaker 4 We'll just use a lot of machine for big rolls. Yes, Kai.
For big, big fits.

Speaker 7 Absolutely. Let me.

Speaker 8 And you'll have a plus five on this. So you got good bonuses going on.

Speaker 4 16. 16

Speaker 8 jobs. Absolutely.
With a plus five, that's a 21. You absolutely smash one of the Drakes in the face and all of them now.

Speaker 8 There are four Drakes who want to follow you now and are admiring Norm, but are terrified of Ehrlich the Warlock and will not disobey him, you think?

Speaker 4 So we got a squad. We got a Griffin.
We got five Drakes. Anything else? Four Drake.
Four Drake. We got four Drakes now.

Speaker 8 And all of our teammates. You're also welcome to use your move to try to pick the lock to free them if that's what you want to do, unless you just want to use a spell to blast that open.

Speaker 8 Eldridge Blast in theory could knock their cage open, potentially.

Speaker 4 Pick that lock. Yes, pick the lock.

Speaker 7 We've eldred the last of them.

Speaker 7 yeah we've eldered the last of them to show them we mean business and now we can show them you know we're not gonna blast our way out we can free you you got a plus two on this dexterity check three twelve uh oh that was a three

Speaker 8 i'm sorry to say a five total you are trying to pick the lock right now one of the uh drakes jumps up to the uh uh door and starts like shaking it and it's making it harder for you to pick it right now she's like a big dog just getting too excited to go for a walk right now but you are definitely getting it a little bit more open and maybe we will see on Wayne's turn now actually the griffin catches up to us and gets ready to attack whoever might come up and try to attack us but right now he's just looking at the drakes like mm I don't know if I like this or not okay raises one eyebrow I kind of I want to use my invisibility Absolutely, you can activate your invisibility right now.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's a new toy.

Speaker 6 What can I do with my invisibility?

Speaker 7 Can you use it to go inside the cage and open it from the inside?

Speaker 6 Or I can, well, I could just do that. I don't have to be invisible to do that.
But maybe I get invisible.

Speaker 6 I go inside the cage, and then you guys go hunting for the eggs, and I can tell you what the Drakes are actually saying if they're trustworthy.

Speaker 4 They don't know I'm there.

Speaker 8 What you could do right now is you could turn invisible, then you could slip through the bars, try to get into the cage, and go right up to the Drake's where they're kind of like right next to each other, where they could be whispering to each other.

Speaker 8 And I'd let you eavesdrop on their conversation.

Speaker 4 That's what I want to do.

Speaker 6 I want to eavesdrop on the Drake's.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. So you turn yourself invisible.
I'll let you wiggle through the bars no problem.

Speaker 8 And as you climb down into this kind of pit area that they're in, they have the ability to mutter to each other.

Speaker 8 I know that you speak a little bit of the draconic tongue, and that is the language they are kind of grunting to each other in.

Speaker 8 Make a perception check now and you get to roll two times because you're right next to them to see if you hear them say anything.

Speaker 6 Okay, perception check. 10.

Speaker 8 10. And roll one more time to see if you do any better.

Speaker 4 19. 19.

Speaker 8 And you absolutely hear all of these Drakes who are talking to each other are muttering in Draconic how they think that the strong one is really cool, but the little one, be careful, because the gnome, that one is actually quite powerful and we think he can shoot fire and stuff like that.

Speaker 8 So they seem pretty dumb actually, and they seem like they've fallen in line very obediently.

Speaker 8 Strength has proven to them that they should be on our side, not on the cultist side.

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Speaker 6 Okay, interesting. So I don't think that we have anything to worry about with these Drakes.
We'll just whip the shit out of them.

Speaker 4 No, I'll fuck them up. I'm a berserker.

Speaker 6 Am I bad? All right, so yeah. So let's let them out.

Speaker 6 I would like to let the Drakes escape bars.

Speaker 8 You can try to pick the lock. Ehrlich has made it a little bit easier for you now, but roll the D20 and you get to add a plus three.

Speaker 6 From the inside.

Speaker 8 From the four.

Speaker 8 You did say from the inside. I like that.
Maybe that's a little bit easier. Roll more D1.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's easier from the inside.

Speaker 4 17. That's good.
Yeah, alright.

Speaker 8 And with the help that Ehrlich set you up with, you are absolutely able to kind of pick the lock from the other side. You push that Drake away who had been kind of interrupting him.

Speaker 8 And the lock is now picked.

Speaker 8 The gate flies open. The Drakes come bounding out.
And the only bad thing that seems to be happening is the griffin immediately takes off into the air and is just flapping 10 feet above us like

Speaker 8 I don't okay fine all right but I'm not gonna land now I'm gonna stay in the air at this point he is gonna it seems like still help us in attack he's just very cautious of these drakes you've used the pronoun he a couple times with this griffin where it confirmed like we can see the testicles and the shaft I mean all accounts based on its voice more than anything do seem to suggest it is a male griffin yes how could he like that in this cave, though.

Speaker 4 Like, how high could he fly?

Speaker 8 Not very high up at its highest point, it's 20 feet in the air. So he's kind of pressed against the ceiling, just barely able to flap around.

Speaker 6 It also might be like that lady from Theranos. She might just have a deep voice that it puts on to sound important.
True. Keep an eye on that.

Speaker 8 And the guard drake's come bounding out. Norm, you would be up now.

Speaker 8 So if you wish to lead the way somewhere, currently the bard is still invisible and will remain so until you either attack or cast another spell, Wayne. Then you reveal yourself.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 4 I kind of want to kill these Drakes.

Speaker 6 Just let them out and just start swinging on them.

Speaker 4 Take batting practice? Yeah, fuck them.

Speaker 4 I really don't like them. One, there's like...
They're pissing off the Griffin, dude. They are.

Speaker 4 What the hell?

Speaker 6 The Griffin is our most important ally right now because we can fly on it.

Speaker 4 The Drake cannot crush people.

Speaker 6 It's got the face of an eagle.

Speaker 4 I'm going to kill all the Drakes.

Speaker 8 The Griffin looks like it could carry two people for the record. It is a great form of transportation.
The Drakes can really carry anybody, and so you are going to swing at one of them?

Speaker 4 They can help us. No, they can't.
Strength and numbers. They don't do shit.
I don't like the the drakes I gotta say yeah and what we should do is why'd we just free them why do we spend all the time

Speaker 8 kill them so yeah I want to kill these drake do you would you like to go reckless and roll with advantage yeah why not okay then if the drakes attack you they will all be getting advantage on their attacks against you rooting

Speaker 8 two two and you said you were reckless though so roll one more time yep

Speaker 4 one one

Speaker 8 I'm sorry to say that you swing at the drake and your axe doesn't get stuck because you get to take the higher of the two rolls, but it does thud into the ground right next to one of the Drake and he just kind of looks at you a little quizzically.

Speaker 8 I'll let you there that Drake you're right next to is going to try to like what the heck was that and snap to bite at you unless you try to intimidate all the drakes right now.

Speaker 4 I just feel like it was a joke. I was just letting you know I was boss.
Absolutely.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but you won't kill the Drake. You gotta show

Speaker 4 you.

Speaker 6 Is there a chance that they all looked up to him so much because he was strong and they see him acting like a fool and now they don't like him anymore and they're like, we're just going to go and they just leave us.

Speaker 8 There's definitely...

Speaker 4 No, because then they can tell on us.

Speaker 6 We don't want that.

Speaker 6 Tell other people that we're frauds.

Speaker 4 No, no, tell everyone where we are. I just want to be like, hey, I was just swinging.
I was just taking batting practice, Drake's. Absolutely.
Not a big deal.

Speaker 8 Roll an intimidate check and you have advantage on this to get it.

Speaker 4 I'm back to having. Yeah, that didn't work.
I want the Drake's back on our side. Absolutely.
One again. One again.

Speaker 8 But you have advantage on this because the bard has set you up and you've been on the bottom.

Speaker 4 All right, I'm going to the ping pong ball.

Speaker 8 This is the big one. This is a big one.
You got this. You got this.
If not, you have another attack you can do this turn. Alright, alright.

Speaker 4 Alright. No, I want the Drake.
I don't want to kill the Drakes in.

Speaker 8 They look pretty tough. They're each like a giant greyhound or pit bull.

Speaker 4 Come on.

Speaker 4 12. Okay.
12.

Speaker 8 Plus 5 is a 17.

Speaker 8 And that is with... Oh, I'm sorry.
You know, you're Intimidated is plus 3, but that's still a 15 or higher.

Speaker 8 The Drake just kind of looks at you and backs away, almost nodding like, okay, all right, I guess we're cool.

Speaker 8 The other three Drake are like, haha, you almost got swung at me, but the one Drake who would have bit you is not going to bite you now.

Speaker 4 Good stuff. Excellent.
Nice. That was fun.
And that would bring us then from Norm's turn.

Speaker 8 Two up. I did put into initiative Bob Costas, and Bob Costas just watching this whole thing happen for kobolds.
I've got his rock in hand, just like, oh, and he's terrified of these Drake.

Speaker 8 You think these Drakes love to eat kobolds based on the way that it is sniffing? They are all sniffing Bob Costas right now. But Cake, that's going to bring us back to you.
What would you like to do?

Speaker 4 Let's go find these eggs.

Speaker 6 I feel like we've lost the plot a little bit here. We got so concerned with

Speaker 4 the colours.

Speaker 8 We do have four Drakes and a Griffin following us now.

Speaker 10 We've done enough torturing of our own crew. I think it's time to go back to the original goal of the eggs.

Speaker 8 And you've eliminated the left-hand route, so it looks like the right-hand route should be the way to get to the eggs in theory. All right, let's do it.
Absolutely.

Speaker 8 So you start to head in the right-hand direction.

Speaker 8 It's a staircase that starts going down, and immediately with your elven senses, you can tell that up ahead, there are some kobolds making a lot of noise.

Speaker 8 It sounds like at least four kobolds in the room up ahead. Kobolds are very weak, but if there's four or even five of them, that's a nasty swarm that we might want to deal with.

Speaker 8 And you haven't seen them yet, but you hear them up ahead. What would you like to do?

Speaker 10 I think we have a big enough squad to take them down.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. We certainly do have a lot lot of people.
Kobolds are not going to impede us at all or harm us too much.

Speaker 8 You can scout ahead either using perception or stealth, or you could just rush ahead and get ready to cast a spell at them. What would you like to do?

Speaker 10 Do you guys think we just charge or should we play it safe?

Speaker 6 We could charge or you could use the Drakes to charge because they seem to like to smell Bon Costas.

Speaker 10 It seems like if we're going to lose some members of our squad, it could be the Drake.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. You send the Drakes rushing into this room, is that right? Yes.
Boom, absolutely.

Speaker 8 They had a ready to action to charge, and as they charge down, roaring into that room, you just hear kobolds start screaming and panicking. They are fleeing and apparently getting mauled.

Speaker 8 Do you enter the room now to see what's happening at this point? Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 8 When you see in the room, all these Drakes running around, there were maybe five kobolds on the ground who are in various states of getting dragged around by Drakes and thrown around the room.

Speaker 8 They were apparently all like worshiping some creepy altar with a five-headed dragon statue on top of it. They are not doing that anymore.

Speaker 8 They are trying to run for their lives and occasionally fight at one of the drakes, but they are losing except for the two kobolds who have taken off into the air because for some reason these two kobolds have flapping wings growing out of their back.

Speaker 8 And so they are like, ah, like looking down at these drakes who are just mauling the rest of their friends.

Speaker 8 And so you can see this scene before you now, and you still have your whole action to do a spell if you want.

Speaker 8 It looks like the five kobolds on the ground are being taken care of, but the two in the air, the one Drake looks up and is just like, nah, what are we going to do about that?

Speaker 10 We have to finish the job.

Speaker 4 Absolutely.

Speaker 8 You've got some good cantrip spells like Firebolt or Ray of Frost that you could launch at these people, or you could go big and do a chromatic orb to launch button. Orb.

Speaker 4 All in. All in.
Absolutely. You're launching a chromatic orb.
For sure. For sure.

Speaker 8 Go ahead and roll a D20 plus five to see if you are going to hit this kobold.

Speaker 4 Have you ever rolled crazy roll?

Speaker 4 that's how you do it

Speaker 4 with two hands up in the air

Speaker 8 okay all right eleven who is in eleven eleven eleven plus five is a sixteen and what element did you create with your chromatic orb you get to choose either poison acid lightning thunder fire or cold

Speaker 4 thunder

Speaker 7 lightning and the thunder you said you said oh yeah should have done thunder

Speaker 8 and this like orb of acid just splashes right into this winged kobold and completely covers its body it's just bones and smoke and steam rising off those bones that clatter against the wall and onto the floor.

Speaker 8 You dealt so much damage with the chromatic orb. This creature is just wiped out, no doubt.
Well done. Excellent.

Speaker 8 But there is still one of these kobolds flying around in the air when Ehrlich would be about to go. Unfortunately, this kobold gets to go just before Ehrlich.

Speaker 8 And this kobold is going to be flying over to not one of the Drake's because you shot a spell. This last flying kobold knows that you could take him out of the air.

Speaker 8 And he's going to try to drop a rock on your head right now. But I'm happy to say the rock lands right next to you, Cake, but does not hit you.
And that would bring us to Ehrlich's turn next.

Speaker 8 Ehrlich, what would you like to do? You hear the fighting up ahead. The Drakes are having a great time.
Sounds like the wizard is under fire, though.

Speaker 7 Shouldn't me and the Drakes and Griffin go help Cake?

Speaker 8 Absolutely. You 100% could.
If you rush into the room, you see that there is one winged kobold, and then it looks like all the kobolds on the ground are dead at this point to our Drake's.

Speaker 7 And isn't the Griffin, it's flying, right?

Speaker 7 Shouldn't we send the Griffin into, you know, in theory?

Speaker 8 It's going to go right after your turn.

Speaker 8 It's going to swoop in in just a moment.

Speaker 4 All right. So roll.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. Would you like to do an Eldritch blast, or you could send in your imp to do something if you want?

Speaker 7 Oh, all right. By the way, my name for my demon on my shoulder is Lola.

Speaker 4 Lola. Ooh, hi.

Speaker 7 I had a cat growing up that I hated. It attacked me every single day of my life, and I never called it anything but demon.
It was just demon, demon, demon, demon. Its real name was Lola.

Speaker 4 All right, Lola. Absolutely.

Speaker 8 So Lola right now is like digging her claws into your shoulder and is whispering, hey boss, let me at him.

Speaker 4 Let me at him.

Speaker 8 I'll go after him. I can take him out.

Speaker 4 Would you like to roll for Lola?

Speaker 8 Lola has a plus five on her stinger.

Speaker 4 Attack.

Speaker 4 20! 20!

Speaker 4 Absolutely. Suck our dicks, Billy.

Speaker 8 Just like with the chromatic orb, I do not need to roll damage.

Speaker 8 Lola deals so much damage with her stinger, she immediately just pierces right through the neck of the kobold, and you see poison just spurting,

Speaker 8 and the kobold falls out of the ground, withered to the ground, and all the other kobolds are slain.

Speaker 8 It seems like this was some kind of altar shrine for the kobolds, but there is another staircase leading out of here further down.

Speaker 8 It seems like the only way forward, but the drakes are finishing up with the kobolds, and then a griffin flies into the room at this point.

Speaker 8 Our Griffin flies in, sees that there's maybe pecks off the last of the kobolds, and then says,

Speaker 8 Do you want me to scout ahead down there and tell you what I see?

Speaker 8 All right, then I would like to. Ehrlich, you just went.
Why don't you roll for the Griffin to see how good a perception check this Griffin's going to do?

Speaker 7 We're only after I roll 20. It's like

Speaker 8 13. 13 and the Griffin has a plus five and actually has advantage.
Roll one more time on this. So far, you got an 18.

Speaker 4 Bill, you want to roll? Just kick.

Speaker 4 I did not see that coming. Everyone saw it.

Speaker 8 Eight. So we're going to go with the original roll.
The 18 was a success for sure. And the Griffin flies back and says,

Speaker 4 oh no.

Speaker 8 He says, you were looking for the hatchery, right? Well, I found it. There's a pit that looks like there are maybe three dragon eggs or more.

Speaker 8 I saw at least three dragon eggs, but I also saw something else. I I saw one of the stalagmites coming out of the ground in this pit, a spike of stone.

Speaker 8 I saw it wiggle, and I have no idea what that is.

Speaker 6 It's like a Sibian.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 8 And I would let anyone roll a D20 right now to see if they know what the Griffin just spotted, if they know what this thing might be.

Speaker 8 Maybe this will be a group knowledge check.

Speaker 8 Nine, nine, nine. But if we're going with the best knowledge check in the group, that would be the wizard with a plus five and with a 14.
You at least know the name of what you think this creature is.

Speaker 8 You've heard of creatures that can disguise themselves as stone outcroppings, like spikes of stone, and they are usually guardian beasts.

Speaker 4 You know they are called ropers, but you don't

Speaker 8 know exactly why they are called ropers.

Speaker 8 There is some reason why they have that name, but with a 14, the wizard does not remember exactly in wizard school when they were taught about ropers why they are called ropers precisely.

Speaker 4 But they are camouflage predators. Okay, got it.

Speaker 8 And that was

Speaker 8 all happening on Ehrlich's turn. Well, the Griffin had just scouted.
So, Wayne, we are up to you. You're still invisible.

Speaker 6 Can I go drag Billy's dead corpse off the ground, reanimate it, and then make it sit sit on the roper.

Speaker 8 You can definitely drag the corpse.

Speaker 4 I would desecrate this corpse.

Speaker 8 That you, looking at the spells that you have.

Speaker 4 Our Griffin's got to be pretty hungry by now, right? Leave me dead.

Speaker 8 Your Griffin is certainly hungry, and he is a carnivore, and he says, interesting.

Speaker 4 That body's a little old, but I wouldn't mind. I'm hungry.

Speaker 8 I wouldn't mind picking it that a little bit.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I think I want to feed Billy's dead body to our Griffin.

Speaker 8 You start to feed just a bit.

Speaker 4 Just because she's hungry, yeah. Absolutely.

Speaker 8 I'll also point out you're still invisible, so when you pick up Billy's body, it does kind of look like Billy's just walking around because you're like an invisible puppet master.

Speaker 6 Can I use my hands to make Billy have a really stupid face and then trip him a few times as he's walking?

Speaker 8 You make him like walk around and like you see Billy's face like contorting different ways, but then because he's in different pieces, the body parts start to like fall over a little bit.

Speaker 8 You're a good, you have a lot of dexterity, though, so you start catching it.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'd like to juggle Billy's testicles.

Speaker 4 Yeah, juggling various tices. Throw one against a wall.
Absolutely.

Speaker 8 There's a splat as something against the wall, for sure.

Speaker 6 Okay, great. So, yeah, now I'd like to feed his corpse to the Griffin.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. The Griffin is actually saying,

Speaker 8 you know, there's something tangy about it, like dark magic or something, but you know, it's not bad. And the Griffin keeps eating this.
Yeah. And the Griffin is also thanking us for having freed him.

Speaker 8 He does introduce himself after this delicious meal and says, you know, my name's Blake. It's an absolute pleasure.
And I'm so thank you for freeing me. I really, really appreciate it.

Speaker 8 So he's now really feeling like a member of our team now that he got to eat. Oh, it's a bad thing.

Speaker 4 Our former teammate. Got him.

Speaker 4 Yeah, went down the wrong.

Speaker 6 Actually, I don't like Blake Griffin anymore. Yeah.
He kind of ditched us the other day.

Speaker 4 Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 8 This can be a different thing.

Speaker 6 No, Blake Griffin's fine. Just for the record, I'm mad at him.
All right, so now that... Let's take him out.
You want to take him out?

Speaker 7 Maybe one of his other knees, his good knee. We'll take out his good knee.

Speaker 4 He's already good knee into a bad knee?

Speaker 4 I don't know. I mean, what, what?

Speaker 4 No,

Speaker 6 I'm happy that we fed him. He's probably feeling healthy right now.
I'm going to be the bigger man for the record in this situation, even though I want to hit him in his other knee.

Speaker 6 I'm going to be nice to him. I'd like to enlist his help to find out exactly what this roper thing is.
Can I circle the roper from above and survey it?

Speaker 6 See if

Speaker 6 it has any ill intentions towards us.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. I'm going to let you roll another perception check with advantage for Blake Griffin as he he does another scouting move for us.

Speaker 6 That's a seven.

Speaker 8 But he has advantage to roll one more time for Blake the Griffin.

Speaker 6 It's a 10.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. So 10 with a plus 5.
Or it's a 10 total, are you saying? Or is it a 15?

Speaker 6 It's a straight-up 10.

Speaker 8 Straight-up 10 on the die. So 15 total with a 15.
He is able to fly back and he says, okay, I saw a piece of the stalagmite open up for a second. It has a mouth.
I can tell that much.

Speaker 8 And then I saw something like wiggle out of a piece of the rock. Like there's holes all over this thing.

Speaker 8 And something that looked like a weird like maggot worm or something came wiggling out like a snake maybe out of the out of the rock itself.

Speaker 8 And Blake doesn't know more about what a roper is, but that is what he saw.

Speaker 6 Okay, I want to track down these eggs though. I feel like

Speaker 8 the eggs are just scattered around this roper, unfortunately. Like the ropers guarding them.

Speaker 6 Okay, so I think I know what we should do. I think we should take Bob Costas' body, throw it to the roper, and then go collect the eggs while Bob Costas is getting eaten by the roper.

Speaker 4 What about Billy's body? Oh, is there any...

Speaker 6 Is there any Billy's body left over?

Speaker 8 Definitely some Billy's body left. Billy was a Goliath.
He was huge.

Speaker 4 You have chunks of his body.

Speaker 8 And you can absolutely, invisibly carry the body parts in. If you carry them close enough, they'll turn invisible, and then you can start throwing chunks to where you think the roper is.

Speaker 8 Is that what you want to do?

Speaker 6 I'd like to go in really close, and then from above, I'll just drop it in like I'm salt-based, sprinkling some seasoning into the roper. Absolutely.

Speaker 8 You are able to climb down these stairs and sure enough, just like Blake the Griffin had reported, you see this area off to the south where there are all these eggs scattered in little nests and then in the middle there's one conspicuous stalagmite that then just wiggles slightly and as you kind of it doesn't see you because you're invisible as you get closer you climb up the wall a little bit and start dropping little chunks of food and sure enough you see it start to wiggle more and wiggle more roll Roll a deception check with advantage to see if you have tricked this thing effectively.

Speaker 4 13. 13.

Speaker 8 Roll one more time.

Speaker 8 This is a great idea, so you're going to get advantage on this. Love it.
15. 15.
And with a plus five on deception, which is what you have, that's a 20 total.

Speaker 8 What you see is this stalagmite, first of all, open up this kind of hole on the side of it that then has an eye inside, a beady red eye that starts looking around, then another crack on it opens up, and there's these rows of jagged teeth.

Speaker 8 It's obvious that this thing is just disguised as a piece of rock, but it's very much a creature that then has all these tentacles that wiggle out of holes in the rock that start shooting out, and as the chunks of meat fall all around the roper, it's like Spider-Man or like a frog's tongue, just

Speaker 8 catching all the pieces of meat and tossing them into its mouth. And it starts to look around, like, where's this meat coming from? But more pieces keep falling and it's like, I don't have time to.

Speaker 8 I gotta catch all these. And it has at least like five of these tentacles.
But now it is very distracted, trying to search around for all the missing pieces of food.

Speaker 8 If you try to steal the eggs right now, you would have advantage.

Speaker 6 Okay, I would love to steal the eggs.

Speaker 8 All right, this will be your final roll then with advantage. Okay, two D20s, and you have a plus five on this, too.
Two of them, two of them.

Speaker 6 Two of them. Okay, can I do one here and then one up there?

Speaker 8 Absolutely. Absolutely.

Speaker 6 First one down here.

Speaker 4 12. 12.
12.

Speaker 8 17. Here's the second one.
17 so far. Okay.

Speaker 4 Come on, 20. Give me some eggs.
Give me some eggs.

Speaker 4 Where's that? Eight.

Speaker 4 We keep rolling an eight.

Speaker 8 But you got a better roll on that. So it's a 17 total on that with a 17.

Speaker 8 You will be able to grab. I'm going to give you this D4, and that's how many eggs you are going to be able to find.

Speaker 8 So if you want to roll that die right there, you are going to get away with this many eggs before the roper gets a chance to notice what you are doing.

Speaker 4 That's a three on the other side.

Speaker 8 All three of the visible eggs that you just found, grab, grab, grab. And you can tell real quickly, they're different colors, these eggs.

Speaker 8 They are all different colors, and you're having trouble figuring out which one's which, but you're gathering up three of them and you're able to run along behind a rock now with those eggs just as the roper turns to look at you.

Speaker 8 And it knows where you are. It's heard you kind of scuttling behind that rock.
It's searching around for you and it's going to try to get you with one of its tentacles, but it missed.

Speaker 8 You feel this like tentacle reaching over your head and it like sticks against the rock above you and then pulls and it recognizes not pulling anything so it just peels off that rock and you ducked invisibly underneath it.

Speaker 8 In fact, he had disadvantage. Let me just make sure he didn't get a one so you don't get to attack him, but he missed you and then Norm the barbarian would be up now.

Speaker 4 So you got the eggs? I got three eggs.

Speaker 6 Do you want to smash this

Speaker 6 roper thing, or do you want to try to smash the eggs open, or do we want to hatch him? I don't know.

Speaker 4 Or should we run out of the cave? We're probably going to, we should probably...

Speaker 4 I'll go and then maybe we'll end with Jake. So what should we maybe...

Speaker 8 I'll point out Norm the Roper is very distracted right now.

Speaker 8 If you're looking for more dragon eggs, somebody could sprint in, use their athletics to try to do so real quickly, grab a bunch of eggs, not being sneaky about it, but while the Roper's busy, grab as many eggs as you can and then try to run back.

Speaker 4 Okay, all right, I'll grab some more eggs. Are you sure?

Speaker 4 We got three eggs. No, we'll grab some more.

Speaker 4 I mean,

Speaker 4 you can never have enough dragons. That's a very great point.

Speaker 8 All right. This will be an athletics check, then, and if you're raging, you now have advantage on this.
Okay,

Speaker 6 do we have the bandwidth to raise like a bunch of dragons?

Speaker 4 I think we just let them raise themselves.

Speaker 6 Okay, free-range dragons. Yeah, right.

Speaker 4 We're going to start dragoning them. We're not going to tell them

Speaker 4 how to act. Right.
We'll just

Speaker 4 choose speed and just let them go. All right.

Speaker 4 15.

Speaker 8 With a 15. So far, so good.
That's a 20 total with a plus 5. But roll one more time just to see if you do any better.
Three. Three.
So we're taking the 20 total.

Speaker 8 With a 20 total, you also can sprint in. And by the time the roper turns to you and realizes what you're doing, you are already grabbing 1d4 eggs.
So see how many eggs you can grab.

Speaker 8 Just kicking nests out of the bag.

Speaker 6 No, it's the top. It took me a while to figure out.

Speaker 4 100%.

Speaker 8 It's always the same whichever way you turn it on the top number.

Speaker 4 Four.

Speaker 4 Four more eggs.

Speaker 8 You now have a total of seven eggs. You're just like juggling all of them, tossing them in your bag right now.

Speaker 8 And you, Norm, and Wayne can tell that in this hatchery, besides all the eggs you found in the roper, there's also this kind of crevice off to the side that there's a little bit of sunlight glinting through.

Speaker 8 Like this could be a back door to get out of here, but you'd need maybe to be able to climb very well like norm, or at least be able to fly.

Speaker 8 Yeah,

Speaker 4 yeah, can I blast this thing open too so we get more space so we can all get out of there?

Speaker 8 Absolutely. Make an athletics check to try to, you're trying to like widen the hole.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I want everyone to get out.

Speaker 4 15

Speaker 8 with a 15.

Speaker 8 You are absolutely kicking a bunch of rocks and causing a small avalanche that then creates a rubble slope that other people now have an easier time climbing out. Well done.
Excellent.

Speaker 8 Actually, in fact, with that slope, none of us need to make checks anymore. We can either fly out or just run out the slope and climb out easily the rest of the night.

Speaker 8 Cake, any last things you were going to do as we're running out? You can make one investigation check to try to grab more eggs, or you could do one thing to the road.

Speaker 4 Let's

Speaker 4 go.

Speaker 10 Seven's not enough.

Speaker 4 We're always wanting more.

Speaker 8 Go ahead and roll one investigate check.

Speaker 7 Best dragon egg is the next one.

Speaker 4 We want to give them an eight packet.

Speaker 6 We should also make the griffin shit before it leaves so Billy's body goes out in the cave.

Speaker 6 I don't want to take that with us.

Speaker 6 Come on!

Speaker 8 Oh, I see some good numbers up there.

Speaker 4 Good number.

Speaker 4 Oh, that was nice.

Speaker 4 13, okay.

Speaker 4 Wait, did it not count?

Speaker 8 You know what?

Speaker 8 And you have a plus five on this, so with an 18, roll the d4 one more time to see what our total tally of dragon eggs comes up to.

Speaker 4 Whoa! What the fuck?

Speaker 4 It's a one.

Speaker 8 It's a one. So we rounded it out from seven to an even eight dragon eggs.
Very exciting.

Speaker 8 You found one more, but I'm going to say since it's the last one, this is the one that has strange runic markings all over it.

Speaker 8 Strange symbols are glowing on this particular dragon egg as you grab it, wizard, and you are able to run out up the slope. And that is where we will, as we run out with eight dragon eggs,

Speaker 6 tricky, Tim, because I bet you nobody ever quits and gives up when they have eggs before they hatch. That's good strategy on your part.

Speaker 6 I'm a little concerned about the runic egg. I like that.
Was there a chance that maybe somebody got more active with this dragon than was previously led to believe, and this might be his son?

Speaker 4 Interesting. I don't know.
Interesting. Billy, you got any thoughts on on that? Hank.

Speaker 4 Berserker. Just kidding.
Tim, thank you so much. We really appreciate your time.
It's a pleasure. Absolutely.

Speaker 6 Love you guys. Billy, do you have any thoughts? Or your fun fact? Platypuses are the only mammals that are venomous.
There's no chance that they're called platypuses. Platypuses.

Speaker 4 Platypi.

Speaker 6 Yes. Maybe? They're venomous.
They're not platypussies. I don't know.

Speaker 6 But they're what? It's a complicated plural. I tried.
Pussies. Platypuses.
Okay, platypuses are what? What were we going to say?

Speaker 9 They're the only mammal that are venomous.

Speaker 4 How about that?

Speaker 4 Is that it?

Speaker 4 They also lay eggs.

Speaker 6 Love you guys.

Speaker 6 Today is a holiday.

Speaker 6 Show me away when I'm a bad.

Speaker 6 So I've been coming for your lover.

Speaker 6 I've been coming for your love of three.

Speaker 6 only.

Speaker 6 I need somebody else. in.

Speaker 6 Send me a bite and turn.

Speaker 6 Say I'm in my head.

Speaker 6 It's like never to be stronger than something.

Speaker 6 Say something.

Speaker 6 Drink on me.

Speaker 6 Drink on me.

Speaker 6 Things that say

Speaker 6 that I love just playing my

Speaker 6 way.

Speaker 6 You all things I've got to remember.

Speaker 6 And shy and wave.

Speaker 6 I've got a little bit of a drink.