Rob Schneider, Dungeons And Dragons, NBA Playoffs And B1G Football Is Back

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On today's part of my take, we have the return of Tim Woods. Dungeons and Dragons with Tim Woods.
We have Rob Schneider. Great interview with Rob Schneider.
Talked a little boner dogs, of course. We talked some NBA playoffs.
Game seven was tonight. The slop fest, good defense, bad offense, whatever you want to call it.
Recap. Also the Rockets choking yet again.
And we're going to get to all that in a second. But before we do that, part of my take is brought to you by ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working.
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Okay, let's go. It's part of my take presented by Fall Stool Sports.
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$10 for the ASPCA. Today is Tuesday, September.
Wednesday. Wednesday, September 2nd.
It is Tuesday, but it's Wednesday, September 2nd.

Holy shit, we're in September.

Wake me up in September, baby.

Yeah, somebody wake the guy up from Green Day.

It doesn't feel like September.

What's that, Hank?

Wake that guy up when it ends.

Wake him up now.

I got something to say to you, Maggie.

It's late September.

We'll wait for that.

Billy's going back to school.

All right, so we're here.

Do you guys remember?

It's early September. What? The 21st night of September I do I remember that Yeah What? Burn it down I'm losing Earth, wind, and fire Oh Okay September 11th Never forget Dude What? Let's start this whole show over No dude That's Don't't fucking forget it.
Never would. You're right.
Right. All right.
Game seven. Game seven.
Game seven was sloppy. Game seven was sloppy.
Also good defense. We had the lowest.
I think it was the lowest playoff game since like 2010. Of course, I had the over whatever.
But the Nuggets advance. Jamal Murray, I think he was hurt a little bit.
Donovan Mitchell had his third quarter where he went off. It was a crazy, crazy ending to an insane series.
Not exactly how we expected it to go, a series that was fast-paced, scoring left and right. It ended up being a throwback to the Pistons and Spurs.
but that ending with mike conley missing a buzzer beater after i don't know why they were shooting the layup was insane it was crazy yeah the three at the end hit like three rims it hit all the ends it was basically kawaii's shot if it didn't go in uh it was it was an ugly game i went back and looked at the box score the nuggets went over seven minutes without scoring a point yes that's impossible to do i my only theory is that they don't have their legs right now because they've been fucking because their wives are there and well tamal murray we now they're able we don't we deleted that video the internet deleted that video i forgot it i totally forgot about it his girlfriend very very she asked if you have the video delete it and we all said okay yeah i'm just upset that we're not going to get quinn snyder out of this series there's one thing that i wanted moving forward and that's just more shots of quinn snyder on the sidelines his little skinny jeans yeah quinn sny everyone says that he looks coked out i don't think that i think he looks like i think he looks like he used to be coked out yeah he looks like uh the neighbor of a he looks like j Belfort's neighbor who comes over to, like, complain about the coke parties. He's like, maybe I'll just do one line and toss a dwarf.
Totally normal. Totally normal look.
Also, I just have a, like, big place in my heart for Djokic because when you can hit a hook shot in 2020 and have, like, the big man moves... And Rudy Gobert is so fucking good defensively I just I love that I mean he had the game winning shot with that with that uh right right-handed hook shot and the game it was crazy it was terrible but it was also good and thrilling and uh I guess that's the that's definitely the best series of round one even though we still have a game seven going tomorrow which I'm sick.
We'll get to the Rockets in a second. The Rockets are like the Clippers when I was like, blow this thing up.
That's what the Rockets are now. I'm sick of the Rockets.
I feel like if this wasn't a Game 7, we would be like, get these teams out of my face. But since it was a Game 7, now we're going to the excuse of like both teams were amped up and had that playoff level.
They were gassed. But in reality, it was just a shitty game.
There was a stretch where it was like five or six straight shots, open shots where guys were just barely grazing the front of the rim. It was really bad.
It looked like there was a stretch where it looked like every pickup basketball game is going to look like when people can start playing pickup basketball again. But since it was game seven, you know, like the crowd was a little bit more intense.
It was all this stuff that added up to being like a heightened atmosphere. All right.
Before we get to the other series, quick question. Jamal Murray and Donovan Mitchell hug afterwards.
They've known each other for a long time. Louisville, Kentucky rivalry.
If you're Donovan Mitchell, like I always think of the guy who loses in that situation. I would deny the hug.
I'd be like, get the fuck out of my face, dude. It was a quick hug.
Yeah, but I'd be like, get out of my face. You know what it was like? It was like a Jake Marsh, Hank Lockwood postgame in ping pong.
Whoever wins is always the very first over to be like, hey, that was a great game, guys. I'm with you, big guy.
I never liked that. If you get beat by somebody and they're very eager to say congratulations.
Oh, man, it was such a great battle. It's like, no, get out of my face, please.
Yeah, it was a little bit quick. Call me a poor sport, that's fine.
I think that the Nuggets are going to get smoked next round. Yeah.
I don't care how many itches they have on their team. Clippers minus a million units, Clippers game one.
My computer's now playing the recap of that terrible game. It's going to be a quick highlight.
All right, so other series. We have Rockets blowing it.
The Rockets. Dude, Russell Westbrook.
They're the new Clippers. I just, Russell Westbrook, like being Russell Westbrook and just making comical errors down the stretch.
And then James Harden. Will James Harden ever get in shape? No.
I mean, he was late to the bubble. Everyone was saying because he was out of shape.
He showed up super fat. And he's not fat.
No, he's fat. But he does that.
He'll do it in a game. He'll drive really hard to the hoop.
And then the next three plays, I'm not running up and down. I'm taking a few plays off.
You know how it is with hotel life? I guarantee you that Harden's the same way. He went to the bubble.
He's like, oh, I'm going to a hotel. I'll pack my workout gear, and I'm never going to take it out of my suitcase.
My extra shoes. I wake up at 7 a.m.
and go for a three-mile run on the treadmill. It never happens.
He just stays in his room and jerks off three times. And Chris Paul, this league, Chris Paul was unbelievable, did the stare down, which wasn't really a stare down.
Well, with Chris Paul, you can never really tell. Like a Mitch Trubisky throw when all the receivers were over.
Why would you do that? Come on, Hank. Because it's a similar situation where the screen cap was worse than the actual...
I'm defending it. You have to pace yourself with the Mitch Trubisky references.
You had a whole season. Come on, man.
You know what? Now the first three times I make a Mitch Trubisky joke, it's going to be old hat. It's old hat.
I have to power through the first three references and get to the point where it's funny because it's so old again. Chris Paul, though, is...
My point was correct. Chris Paul's personality makes you forget how good a basketball he is because he's the worst.
Anytime... He'll kick people in the nuts and he'll do.
Shit. But he's awesome.
If the guy that can most closely impersonate you is the dude from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, then it just it goes to show. Then maybe you're not an elite athlete anymore.
Although I still think he would be, you know, top three, top four U.S. men's soccer player.
Yes. Easily.
Hank. A moment to talk about the Celtics and Marcus Smart shooting five.
Marcus Smart being the guy who, if he hits one shot, you know he's taking two, and then it just rolled into five. Well, in the past five years, five years ago, he was like, never shoot, but he would shoot all the time.
And he's just shot his way into being a good shooter, which is beautiful to see. But if he hits one, you know he's going to take it again right away.
Yes. And it just rolled into five in a row.

And it was like, holy shit. And he's just shot his way into being a good shooter, which is beautiful to see.
But if he hits one, you know he's going to take it again right away.

Yes.

And it just rolled into five in a row.

And it was like, holy shit.

There's absolutely no difference in Marcus Smart's body language when he's just made five three-pointers or when he's just airballed five three-pointers whatsoever.

If he just makes them, he's mad that they didn't count for more than three.

Yes.

Hank, championship?

I don't see who's beating them.

Okay.

Definitely not the Bucs because they stink.

And by the way, Bucs are beating the Heat.

Jimmy Butler, I think we're witnessing the emergence of a top 20 player in the NBA.

I am fully on board.

Where has this guy been his entire career?

Because he woke up.

Dude, he's awesome.

And the quote that they had from yesterday was even better when he said,

no disrespect to families. But if it were up to me, We wouldn't even be bringing in the wives and the children Because this is a business trip It's for guys only He went full Mike Milbury And so he went dudes rock, right Bubba? So you're actually going to say Jimmy Butler might be good? I think now Jimmy Butler is a top 20 NBA player The heat culture It's the culture down culture down in Miami.
Wow, that's big of you. Yeah, I mean, well, listen, if the shoe fits.
Dude, he's fucking awesome. He is.
I love him. Dude, I love Jimmy Butler.
Okay, no, you don't. I actually do now.
I think he's very good. Just from last night.
Well, and he was really good on the 76ers, too. Jimmy Butler is a guy who just has an edge.
He will be like, fuck you to everyone and win a game in a playoffs, or win a playoffs, or maybe not a playoff series. He hasn't done that a bunch.
but he will be like fuck you to everyone and win a game in a playoffs or win a playoffs or maybe not a playoff series and done that a bunch but he will be like fuck you i'm gonna be the best player on the court tonight and i love jimmy butler i still yeah the timberwolves thing was weird the sixers thing was weird the bulls the front office deserves all the blame for that one so jimmy butler you're cool. I do like the slogan, no disrespect to families,

before you say anything else after that.

It's the anti-LeBron as a father of three.

You liking J-butt is going to be the ultimate turn of 2020.

Am I going to mush J-butt, though?

No, I don't think so.

I don't think so.

Well, I was throwing it out there earlier today.

He's on your heat, too.

Yeah, your heat.

If you listed wing players, so it's hard to say because it's positionless basketball in the nba now but like if you had to list wing players that you want to take the last shot and defend the last shot the list is like you obviously throw lebron in there if you want to if you want to call him a wing but it's like kawaii paul george clay thompson and jimmy butler Jimmy Butler. And I'd take Jimmy Butler over Paul George.
It's not a long list of guys who fit that mold of like, take the last shot, defend the last shot. You're that dude.
Jason Tatum. Jason Tatum's on the way, yes.
He's really good, yes. Jimmy Butler, I'm just saying, like, he feels like a guy that is so, he's the one who's most fine, not necessarily with being in the bubble, but he wants to prove that he's more mentally tough than everybody else.
So he's like that guy that will stay in the sauna for too long and be like, I'm fine. What are you guys doing? He probably is more mentally tough.
Yeah, and meanwhile, he's like – his skin is cooking, but he's like, you know what? I don't care. I can do it.
And B coming off Twitter. Oh, yeah.
He was subtweeting last night. That was great.
When you gave $200 million to Tobias Harris and Al Horford, that's got to hurt to watch Jimmy Butler do that. That's true.
How much did they give to Horford? A lot. $140 million.
I mean, when Horford opted out for the Celtics being like, wait, who else is going to give you money? Oh, the Sixers are going to give you a lot of money. Four years, $109.
Wow. And what's Tobias Harris? This has now become a bash Philly.
Sorry, Philly. You won the Flyers one tonight, so congrats on that.
Five years, $180 million. Oh.
Five years, $180 million for tomorrow. Sometimes you've got to be patient in this league, man.
You've got to trust the process. That makes Zach Levine four years, $180 million look awesome.
The Fred Van Fleet contract he's going to get will also be disgusting. Yes.
Fred Van Vliet's got a great booty. He's the PJ Tucker of Canada.
He gets space with that booty. He's built like a fire hydrant.
Yeah. He does that slow down dribble where someone runs into him and he gets a foul call.
I love that. Also, the Raptors Celtics series is going to break the record for most like, hey ref, like what the fuck, where was that call? Both teams just all night.
What? Dude, I mean the Raptors are the – I mean LeBron James is still in the NBA. LeBron James is still in the NBA.
LeBron James is still in the NBA. LeBron James is the number one in the NBA for that.
But I feel like they had a really nice run tonight of that. If it's LeBron versus the Rockets, I feel like that will be.
Yeah, that's true. LeBron versus the Rockets.
Yeah, Harden and LeBron. Harden and LeBron.
Just look for fouls. Yes, yes, yes.
LeBron's, meanwhile, just resting. Good for him.
Not good. Not good, Hank.
For who? For anyone who's a LeBron hater, which I count myself in that group. Couldn't be me.
What do you, oh, so now PFT likes J-Button, you like LeBron? No, no, no, no. Alright, let's get to Hot Seat Cool Throne.
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Hank. My hot seat, I have a few.
Oh, okay. The first one is anyone who drafted early for Fantasy and they took Alvin Kamara.
Yep. He is on the trading block now, which is, I mean, a lot of people probably took him with their first pick, first round.
That's like the worst thing you can see. Is he on the trading block? I heard they're just negotiating a contract right now.
I read today he's on the trading block. Kamara's on the trading block? Yes.
Imagine how much Bill O'Brien would be willing to give up for Alvin Kamara, like his entire team. Mm-hmm.
He'd trade himself to the Saints for Alvin Kamara. I'm just going to say Leonard Fournette's out there.
True. Bill O'Brien would try to trade like a second rounder and next year's third to the waiver wire.
I just want Leonard Fournette on the Bears just so I can be like, how can you lose when you have the second and fourth pick in the 2017 draft? I mean, I feel like he's destined to go to the Falcons, right? They already have Todd Gurley. Get all the first-round picks.
Yeah, they have Todd Gurley. But I just want that because I really would sell myself on being like, if you could go back in time and get the second and fourth pick in a draft, that team would be a juggernaut.
I refuse to believe that any team would be dumb enough to trade away Alvin Kamara right now. If you're the Saints, well, I guess you have Taysom Hill.
He can do it all. Have Taysom line up as a franchise quarterback.
And halfback. I'm pretty sure it was they put him on the trading block just as a negotiational tactic.
Like, ha-ha, just a prank? But if you drafted him, that's the worst thing you can see. It's a terrible thing before the season even starts.
My other hot seat was myself. I broke my phone the other day because I didn't have my case on.
That's a good good move hank no it broke almost almost almost instantly solid i like it so i did a new one and i don't have a fucking home button anymore and it's driving me crazy oh yeah it's gonna take some getting i noticed that you didn't get the red iphone do you hate aids charities you had how old was your phone it was the iphone 8 well they got rid of the home button a long time ago. I feel like that was two years ago.
Hank had a Motorola Razr. This is my first time experiencing it, and it sucks.
You'll get used to it, Hank. You'll get used to it in like two seconds.
I'm not a fan. Okay.
And then my cool throne, I also have a few. My first one is Magic Johnson's analysis.
Oh. He's been good.
He's been on the roll. I actually wanted to talk about that.

I think the party's over because Coward's in on the joke now.

Really?

Yeah.

So we got to move on.

Coward quote tweeted Magic and was like great insight.

And it was at that moment that a small piece of me died and was like,

all right, it's over.

No more making fun of Magic tweets.

Coward, did you even make a ham-fisted analogy about it?

No.

He wasn't like, he is the purred happily of Twitter. It took him three, four years.
We've been making fun of Magic since howard you make like a ham fisted analogy about it he wasn't like this he is the pert happily of twitter it took him three four years we've been making fun of magic since the beginning of this show not saying we invented it but like coward now figuring it out in 2020 it's done fuck it sucks i'm so excited for denver versus utah game seven and to see jamal murray versus donovan mitchell for denver to win jokic gary harris paul milsap or michael porter Jr. has Donovan Mitchell for Denver to win Joker, Gary Harris, Paul Millsap or Michael Porter Jr.

has to step up for Utah to win.

It's on Mike Conley, Jordan Clarkson, Joe Ingles or Rudy Gobert to step up.

All right.

Yeah, that's the tweet.

You nailed it.

My other cool throwing.

That's jobs.

We very upset that you did not get a red iPhone.

Yeah.

Tyler Perry.

Why?

He's a billionaire.

That's it. He's a billionaire.
Be or a person shout out tyler perry although the let's fucking eat him i read it i read it and then uh i clicked the article to get more information and the only place that states that is his book which is titled poor as hell to billionaire so there's a chance that's like tyler perry is just just saying he's a billionaire but he's not actually i'm gonna write a on what it's like to be a billionaire. I'm going with it.
I'm just going to say probably pretty sweet. Yeah.
I feel like you don't want to say like you're a billionaire these days. People ain't, they're not so happy about that.
Jeff Bezos got that guillotine sitting out in front of his house, ready to just chop it off. Give him a really nice, close shave to the head.
Is that it, Hank? Yes. We're all done here? Okay.
Good job, Hank. I'm going to be pretty brief because it's a tight show.
We've got a couple interviews coming up. My first hot seat is CJ McCollum.
CJ McCollum's on the hot seat. He tweeted out earlier tonight, who wants to play fantasy? Hit me up.
I replied to him, kind of as a joke, but it was also kind of serious. I was like, what's up? And then he invited me to play in his league.
I was like, that's awesome. That sounds like fun.
I get a text from him where he puts me into his fantasy football group chat. And the name of the group chat is fantasy football high rollers.
Right. And I'm like, wait a second.
What? And so it turns out it's a thousand dollar buy-in. Yup.
I don't think I can i can back out but we decided as a group that we would all share ownership of the team so now we're in cj mccollum's fantasy football team in his league our team name is blast their face off and uh so we're gonna i guess we're just gonna dominate cj mccollum yeah wow let's do it what i just got tweeted this uh picture and it says hank on vacation again and it's a guy has a bumper sticker on his boat with R. He copyrighted our logo, and it says, pardon my lake.
Whoa, that's sick. That's a pretty good boat.
Yo, let us come on the boat, dude. How are you going? Yeah, we should be.
The fact we haven't been invited on that boat is a slap in our face. You know what? We're going to sue you for trademark infringement, for copyright infringement, unless we get an invite on the boat.
These are terms that are not negotiable. But yeah, we're in C.J.
McCollum's Fantasy Football League. $1,000 buy-in.
It's a 12-team league. Let's just do and be legends.
Yeah. I was saying we should just draft all Browns and cuck them.
That'd be great. And like finish last...
Well, no, the $1,000 kind of makes that. Yeah, but it'd be a good $1,000 prank.
Yeah, it would. And then, or if we do happen to win, we can just waste it, blow $11,000 on the most ridiculous thing possible.
Like, let's get 10 more Lotto machines. Yes.
And then we can have 10 going at the same time. Yes.
That would be sick, wouldn't it? That would be so sick. Actually, let's seriously do that.
Let's get more Lotto machines. No, you don't sell me.
Fuck yes. Now I'm excited.
This thing has changed my life significantly. Guess what? Now we're winning.
And my cool throne is Antonio Brown. He's on the cool throne.
Because allegedly, a video came out of Tiana Trump, one of my favorites, giving him a Hummer inside his gym. They identified the walls of his gym as Richard Milley watched, the green one that he always wears.
And, yeah, he was just getting that good website from Tiana Trump. Nice.
So I think Antonio Brown is also back. We also had an Antonio clown moment where someone tweeted, we should have called it September instead of September.
Yeah. I still like September.
Did you see no simp September? Yeah. We're not simping in September, boys.
No, I'm going to simp harder. Even harder.
We ain't simping. Antonio.
I think I'm going to join you, PFT, by the way. In September? Yeah.
And not simping? We're going to get fucked up. Oh.
Four beers. After Labor Day.
Okay. Four beers this month.
Let's do it, fellas. And I think for the four beers, I'll just be like four times I drink that month.
Yeah. You should get one of those, like, the IPAs that are like 19% alcohol.
Just fuck your dome up. What do you think Shannon Sharpe's nickname for Antonio Brown would be? What do you mean? Like with the Tiana Trump video.
Oh, I don't know. She can't go clown anymore because she's got the white stuff on her face now.
Antonio Blown. Came.
That works. Andonio brown that works and blonio brown that's what it is um antonio bj on yeah like like he's swedish brown yeah yeah like he's a couple dots on top of a couple um lots um all right so my hot seat is Hank.
My hot seat is hank um no i already put myself in the hot seat yeah i i witnessed something today pft that was truly remarkable i was in the studio playing hank guys no i know i was i was i was in the studio playing fall guys and uh hank 100 serious like no joke whatsoever in his tone, comes in here. Billy's sitting on the couch, and he goes, hey, Billy, I fell on my skateboard, and I feel like I got some fluid in my hip.
Can you take a look at it for me? And I just sat there, and I was like, are you pretending like Billy's your doctor? And Billy gave him an actual medical diagnosis, and that was it. Billy, what's the prognosis? What does he have? He's got a fluid, a burst of burst in his hip.
It was fucking incredible. Like, they were not joking, no jokes whatsoever.
Hank was like, Billy, I need you to look at my hip. It's kind of jacked up.

And he was like, whatever Billy was going to say, Hank was going to be like, thank you, doctor.

Do I owe a copay here or something?

His advice would just be like, do more squats.

It's like when you know you're probably the right thing to do.

So you go talk to your friend like, oh, should we go out tonight?

And you go talk to the one friend that's like, yes, let's go out tonight.

I just needed to hear from someone that's like, it's probably fine.

But he said it wasn't. Right, but he said it's probably fine.
Your problem here, Hank, let's go out tonight. I just needed to hear from someone that's like, it's probably fine.
But he said it wasn't.

Right, but he said it's probably fine.

Your problem here, Hank, is you got no ass. And if you had a little more ass,

then you probably wouldn't have banged up your bone that much.

I also, so Hank does have fluid in his hip,

making me almost gag.

I really want to poke it with a pin.

Yeah.

I think that's the only way to drain it.

Can we see it?

Let's get a second opinion on this.

Also, I will say, because hopefully people are like, you'll be fine, because I really don't want to go to the doctor. But a lot of people helped me with my internet problem.
Okay. So thank you guys.
But yeah, PFT, it was definitely an awakening moment for me. Like, you are the company you keep.
Hank is asking Billy for doctor advice. Hank's pretty much showing his dick right now.
Yeah. Hank, that just looks like a normal slender ass.
No, he slapped it. Billy took out his fucking tethoscope and looked at it.
He took out the glass. He took out the fucking dentist glasses with the little light at the end, the minor light.
Come feel it, Pete. And he looked at it.
He's got calipers. He startsers.
Yeah. He starts checking it out.
He did like the plastic surgery. He started doing circles with a Sharpie on it.
Dude, that's just a bruise. Just poke it with something, Hank.
Be a man. Hank's just got a normal bruise on his side.
Hip pointer. Yeah.
Put your pubes away, Hank. Billy just changed his diagnosis.
I still have a hip pointer the whole time. Do more steroids.
That's what I'm saying. I'm going to prescribe you some preg-zone.
It was unbelievable. I really had to question everything.
It was just like, what are we doing here? As you're playing a 10-year-old's video game. Yeah, no, that's fine.
That's fine. Listen, I'm going to play that game until I beat it, and then I'll never play that game again.
It was a shocking moment. I love what went through your head, Hank, because I've thought the same thing.
Like, if you have an injury that you could have sustained playing a sport, then why not go to somebody that's played sports before? Yeah, and Billy was just like, yeah, let me take a look. Just guys being dudes.
I knew Billy had the best chance of telling me that I'm fine and not going to the doctor. That's such a process.
When am I going to do that? If you went to a doctor with that injury, I would hope that they would throw you out. Okay.
We're going through a global pandemic right now, and you're coming in because your ass has a boo-boo on the side. Oh, coronavirus doesn't exist anymore.
That's my cool throne. Oh, yeah big 10 football's back sir yacht did it sir yacht chuggy shout out chuggy um i don't know i'm just gonna get my hopes up again i don't know whatever i think it's better to to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all it's you know it's good it's encouraging that you still feel something yeah no it's it's it's what we said right at the beginning of this stuff when they canceled march madness like don't we're stupid if you just keep delaying it a couple weeks we'll just keep like we'll just die at 90 being like are they gonna play the 2020 big 10 football season i guess like i'll do that it's it's september 2nd today i guess for the people listening a month never forget in one day uh will be saturday october 3rd full college slate that's what i'm asking you oh no did you hear me did you hear i was like what do you know have you been talking to sir yacht no i'm asking you guys like the pack the pack 12 isn't coming back no yeah which is crazy yeah i haven't heard anything about that but uh no larry scott's gonna be out which is good shout out because the Pac-12 isn't coming back.
No, yeah. Which is crazy.
Yeah, I haven't heard

anything about that.

But no.

Larry Scott's going to be out,

which is good.

Shout out all my Pac-12 people.

Like, finally,

Larry Scott's going to be out.

I love that Larry Scott

is the warlord

of the Pac-12.

He's the worst.

Yeah.

He's the worst.

But yeah,

October 3rd, no.

I mean, I'm just going

to hurt myself

by just saying it.

But I saw that. Like, if they start late and then they go undefeated, like, how does that work? They win everything.
That's going to be the most beautiful part is undefeated Ohio State fans being like, yo, we're the National State. Yeah, they're going to be like 6-0.
And then Davos Swinney being like, we're not getting enough respect because the Big Ten decided not to play until October. Yeah, I'm going to.
Yeah, I mean, I saw a projected schedule and, like, Wisconsin doesn't have to play Penn State or Ohio State. They go undefeated and I'll absolutely be like, they're the best team.
Really? That's all we need. Everyone's like, no, they haven't.
They played anyway. They played fucking Indiana.
I'm like, I don't care. All we need right now is just for them to release more schedules.
Yeah. I don't care if you take it back.
That's what I'm saying. Just do, like, four new schedule releases.
Just keep... We'll start circling dates on our calendars.
Yes! You know what? I'm stupid enough to just keep buying the idea that it's going to happen eventually knowing it probably won't. But my dog brain takes over.
I'm like, yeah, no, October. We're good.
I also think that the Big Ten should just play next year and call it 2010 or 2020. Good with that.
I feel like just in general, sports should take on the mantra of 2020 never happened. Next year is 2020.
We're wiping this year from our brains like it's men in black. You show up at our door, and this year never happened.
The virus never happened. Let's just reset.
Do a hard reset. They should lean into the fact that no one has any idea what's going on.
Surprise me, Big Ten. Just play a game randomly.
Just say one point on like a Tuesday in October,

I just want to see like just put an alert.

Like Tuesday morning I wake up like 7 p.m., Iowa, Ohio State.

I would take Rutgers against – Now we're going too far.

I believe next summer's Olympics is still being branded as 2020 Olympics.

Perfect.

Okay, 2020 never happened.

And I also forgot to mention this in case you're wondering why my takes are so great nowadays, I bought the Sports Illustrated Brain Formula. Nice.
So my brain is operating on such a high plane right now. You can't even understand it.
You should try to write a Rick Riley column. I'm Mr.
Unlimited. I should try or I should just try to read one.
Yes. Billy.
I'm actually, you guys. We took everything? No, no, no.
There's some obvious ones you didn't get to hot seat cheeseburgers andy reed said he was going to exchange one billy i picked a bunch of do you have a quote yeah andy reed was like i'm going to trade this no read the quote okay look the quote was great he said he's going to exchange his You wear it for special occasions Or if you want a free cheeseburger You just point right there and show him that ring And you might get one That is a special occasion for Andy Reid Andy just walking into a McDonald's and being like As if Andy Reid Needed to ask for a cheeseburger He walks in the door He could go to any McDonald's in the United States and be like, the usual Andy? Yep, three big Macs. Yes, yes, yes.
All right, good one. My cool throne is the XFL.
The Rock just took a bunch of pictures with XFL team helmets, and it's getting me excited because more football is better. Anyway, another, oh, quick, another hot seat, sleeves.
Oh, we're going back and forth. I like this.
Bill Belichick had a sick Subway commercial where he cut off a dude's sleeves. I don't know really how that, like, pertains to Subway, but it was really cool.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah, I guess it could. It's just Belichick doing a commercial.
That's what the ad campaign is. Like, look, we got Belichick to show up on a camera,

on this side of the camera for a change.

We're Jimmy John's guys, by the way.

True.

It's not your fault, but we are.

Right.

Through and through.

Through and through.

Is that it?

Also, the rings, the KC rings.

Yeah.

They had their rings. They have the thanks for coming out on the inside

where it just shows how far they were down in every single one of their playoff games. And that was the exact moment I said, thanks for coming out, Chiefs, every single time.
I'm fucking smart. You're on the brain formula.
I am smart. Besides doing a jetpack in L.A.
You did? No, some pilot. What? UFOs.
30 minutes. Okay.
There was a guy that was flying around in a jetpack, allegedly, in Los Angeles. Wow.
That's pretty cool. All right, let's get to our interviews.
We've got Rob Schneider, and then right after that, we have Tim Woods, Dungeons & Dragons. Before we do that, a quick word from our friends.
When your home system or appliance breaks down, American Home Shield will help fix or replace the covered item, no matter its age. Visit ahs.com slash listen for 20% off any plan.
See AHS.com slash contracts for coverage details, limitations, and exclusions. Okay, here he is, Rob Schneider.
Okay, we now welcome on Rob Schneider, actor extraordinaire, SNL alum, best friends with Adam Sandler, which we're going to have to get to that but you have a new special out, Netflix special called Asian Mama Mexican Kids is out now go check it out very friendly sounding name right yes so the Netflix special let's talk about that first I would assume it's just about your entire life when you name it asian mama mexican kids just trying to avoid as much uh people uh getting angry as you can hey listen i have an asian mother i got mexican kids i'm allowed to talk about this stuff i don't know i guess that's what it's all about yeah when you're taping those specials is it like is it different as you're on stage are you thinking about the fact that it's going to be on people's tvs as opposed to just performing for people that you know bought a ticket you can't go you can't get in your head that much otherwise you're really in a you know you start thinking defensively or thinking what you're gonna you know it's like um you have to just it's got to come from an inspired place. You got to, that was funny.

I'm enjoying this.

It's for the audience.

But at the same time, I just remember Chris Rock yelling at Adam Sandler going,

it's, fuck the show.

It's about the special.

It's about the special.

Get the special.

In other words, make sure you're getting the stuff for the special.

It's not just, you know, you can have a thousand people or 1,500 people in the audience,

but like that night, but you're trying to make it for you know uh 110 countries and you know 15 million people so um but yeah i mean i i don't think you gotta you have to know that it's back there but you gotta be like be in the moment performing it and doing it and then um uh and then you know try not to let the business take over and And then because I think if you put the business in front of the art, then it's going to affect the art, obviously. Yeah.
What's up with the Band-Aid on your chin? I try to kill myself, but I aim too high. No, I just sliced my face.
It's been a while now. I've had this for like a week now.
You've just been rocking a Band-Aid? It's just been ugly. You just Band-Aid everywhere.
I thought it was like a Nelly thing. My kids.
And then my face. It's been a while now.
I've had this for like a week now. You've just been rocking a band-aid? You just band-aid everywhere.
I thought it was like a Nelly thing. And then my kids keep putting it back on.
They go like, Daddy, you want band-aid? Daddy, band-aid for Daddy. And I go, yeah, okay, put it on.
And if I don't have it on, they go, Daddy, band-aid, Daddy, band-aid. So they're very cute.
They're very caring. You're a band-id guy for life now.
Yeah, for the foreseeable future, I think so.

Yeah.

So your career, you've had an unbelievable career.

You were part of what some people say is one of the golden ages of SNL.

During that time, did you have a moment where you're like,

holy shit, everyone I'm around right now is a star or star in the making did it was it did it feel like that i remember a lot of like you know some very special moments with the really talented people and um but i also remember like everybody's saying we sucked right because you're not as good as the first cast and i was like i know you know it's kind of hard to compare to bill you know to bill murray and john belushi and dan akroyd and gilda radner it's a little tough to chevy chase you know but uh i said i think we're okay i think you know for our generation of kids growing up watching us uh we're gonna be there chevy chase and bill murray and that's what's true is i mean wherever you grow up watching that's your cast you know yeah i've always thought that like we're going to be their Chevy Chase and Bill Murray. And that's what's true is, I mean, wherever you grow up watching,

that's your cast, you know?

Yeah, I've always thought that, like, especially amongst SNL fans,

is like the new generation is never as good as the one that was around 10 years before.

Well, yeah.

I mean, there's a couple of guys that are all-timers, you know?

I mean, you get your Will Ferrells and you get your Martin Shorts, your Eddie Murphy's. I mean, it's the who's who, I mean, of comedy, you know.
And I came from an era where most of the guys who came in were from, with few exceptions, were from the stand-up, you know. They just like, oh, that's where they're getting the funny guys now.
And then there's an era where it comes in from, like city and improv, you know, I think, uh, Lauren Michaels, when he first started, not to speak for him, but like he hired, uh, you know, groups that had been working together for a while. Uh, you know, it was second, it was the national, um, lemmings on Broadway, which is like, you know, uh, Belushi and, um, and, and I think accurate.
And then it was, it was the, you know, Second City. And I think those two groups were made up the majority of that first cast.
And us, we were like, you know, David Spade, Adam Sandler, and I, we would go on one, two, three after each other in, you know, at a club in L.A. or something, you know, at the Ice House out in Pasadena back in 1988.
We knew we were going to make it. I don't think it was a question.
It was just like, well, who's going to give us a chance finally? This is a true story. David Spade didn't put this in his book, but I got hired at SNL, and then Bernie Brillstein was our manager, and he told Lorne Michaels, well, you've got to hire David Spade, too.
They're writing partners, and we weren't. But that's how David got hired, and he knows that, but he didn't put that in his book.
Oh, wow. Interesting.
Speaking of that, you said – I'm going to put that in my book. Yeah, so you said it would be fun to pin Adam Sandler for murder

because you know all his secrets.

What's his number one secret?

His number one secret?

Well, he was in a movie called, not Big Secret,

but he was in a movie called The Unsinkable Shecky Moskowitz,

and I remember he got $25,000, and I went like, $25,000? They paid you? $25,000? For what? You're in a movie? How did this happen? You know, and I just like when he first, I was just amazed that anybody can get a movie. You know, I mean, it was just like, I remember auditioning for like a thousand things and getting none of them.
You know, literally none. And like after a while you go, well, like I remember Spade and I go, you know, you know, we're not going to get nothing, I guess.
Maybe we'll get nothing. And then we started getting and then we started getting hired because it's just it's just, you know, you when you move to L.A., you don't realize there's 50,000 actors always in L.A.
all fighting for like fifteen hundred jobs. And most of those are shitty, but you're happy to have any of them.
You know what I mean? So it's a numbers game. But the thing about being a standup back in the eighties was we were making more money being middle acts because none of us ever had more than 25 minutes of comedy material.
Trust me. But he said, all you need, you know, Jay Leno said many years ago to me, all you need 20 minutes to become a star in LA.
Everybody says how much time got everybody said they got two hours who wants to listen to two hours of comedy material either you have 20 minutes either you have five minutes it kills every time every time out or you had nothing and so really all you needed was 20 minutes and that's all we had truthfully and that was enough to get us on TV uh but it was just you know it's always going to be, know they always want the most famous guy and if you ain't it then you ain't it but you got to be ready just in case the famous guy says no and they got to get somebody right yeah but it took me it took me a long time to realize that like casting agents and those people they're fearful of their jobs too they don't get paid good I remember I was one casting agent that actually casted for Quentin Tarantino and you know she's lovely I forget her name now but like I went to go see her I used to audition for movies for her and I auditioned for like you know Quentin one of Quentin's movies back in the day and I actually read with Quentin for the part and I remember her like then seeing her her making sandwiches at a deli. And I went, man, it's tough for everybody.
Everybody's got tough in Hollywood, you know? Yeah. And they, like, they want you to, they're worried about their job.
So they got to get the most famous guy they can get, blah, blah, blah. I remember one time I was having an audition for this casting agent, and I killed killed one-on-one but then i got nervous in front of everybody and i saw her like melting down like oh no what happened to that guy who was so good just with me bring him and so i realized oh she's rooting for me because you know when you first start you think people rooting it against you like uh you know the casting agents you do they take it you take it personally no you just can't take it personally yeah did you guys have a pact like you spade and sam when you were coming up like whoever has yeah whoever's the richest who's doing the best in hollywood at any given time we didn't say it like everybody else along with you yeah no we didn't say it like that but yeah we did absolutely that's worked out pretty Yeah.
Adam Sandler just seems like the nicest guy in the world. We've had him on our show, and he just seems like the nicest guy, and everyone who ever talks to him is like, he's loyal.
And why wouldn't you? I think we asked him about this. He's like, why wouldn't I want to work with my friends? I told him, I mean, I'll be honest, and I've been public about this.
I would tell him would, I would tell him like, Hey, listen,

hire Nick Nolte. You don't have to hire me.
And he finally did hire Nick Nolte for a movie called The Ridiculous Six, like five years ago. But, and he says, no, I don't want to hire people.
I don't know because like, and I go, why do you can get some, you can get anybody, man. You're the biggest comedy star in the world.
And I'd have this argument with him against, you know, hiring me and nothing. I didn't want to get hired, but I'm just saying, you know, uh, we were talking this for a movie, you know, many, many years ago.
Well, you know, 15 years ago or so. And he said, no, no, no.
And he said, I said, why? Because I don't have to explain to you what's funny, you know, and if I ask you to do something, I don't have to, you know, I don't have to like, I can just tell you directly, go climb that palm tree over there. I know you're dumb enough I don't have to I don't have to like I can just tell you directly go climb that palm tree over there I know you're dumb enough to do it so I mean that kind of says a lot I think there's a trust when you're out there doing comedy and especially in a movie you know any movie that you do could be your last and one day you'll be right and if it's not going good you need somebody who can make quick changes to make it work, make the scene work.
If it ain't working, to not panic and shut down. Because I've been in movies, not with Adam Sandler, but I've been in movies where it wasn't working and nobody knew how to fix it.
If it ain't working, let's identify it right now, fix this scene. Every scene is like a little mini movie that's got to go to the next little mini movie.
And it's like a locomotion, right? And it just, you got to get to the next one and that pushes the next one. And each one has to be like a complete little mini movie in and of itself.
So if it ain't working, fix it. Have somebody that are fixing it.
If it is working, tweak it so that it's even better. So that that scene may make the next scene unnecessary because that scene works so well.
So it's kind stuff like that because when you're in the trenches and like when you're doing live tv you got to have somebody there across from you who's going to be your guy and not drop the ball because you know we're just trying to get in show business you know what I mean and we want to stay in it because that was the whole point I didn't have any career advice I didn't have any career guidance or career goals. I just wanted to make a living.
I just wanted to not paint houses, not sell shoes, not do all the shit that I saw my friends doing. And I, and I, and I hated, you know, my friend delivering pizzas at my house.
One time he went, Oh shit. You know, Hey man, it's good to see you, Matt.
Nah, I don't't want people to know this. I said, know what? You're working.
What are you talking about? Yeah, but I don't want people to think I'm the pizza guy. People answer the door and go, I'm the pizza guy.
I'm not the pizza guy. I'm just doing this to make a living.
It's not who I am. And I remember, so I ended up doing a joke about that right away that night.
You know, I'm not the pizza guy. But, you know, it's nothing wrong being a pizza guy.
We all need a pizza guy. I've been a pizza guy.
J.J. Watt, pizza guy.
A lot of us have done it. Slang pies every now and again.
You were saying like a second ago about how working with your friends is easy to make these adaptions like on the fly, punch up a script like really quickly. I would imagine that a lot of the practice from that probably came from the, uh, the fast paced environment on SNL in the nineties.
Cause you know, you got a lot of it did. I mean, certainly I didn't even know that I was doing this, but my standup, uh, in the eighties, uh, was sketches, but I wasn't getting any acting work.
So I was just acting out all the characters and that's what I would do. then like i remember this comedian milt abel a great guy from samson oh you know what you do is you act out and play these different roles to play the different parts in your own stand-up act you'd play the different guys and you go back and forth and i didn't even know that because you don't you know when you're creating something you just it's just coming from a place and coming kind of through you and with you and blah blah blah and you're just doing and then you do what you keep what works and you take the stuff out hopefully and if you're not like you know you don't have like uh you know dementia or some some kind of or you're not messed up so a lot of comedians are then you dump what doesn't work keep what works and then you keep taking away stripping away stripping away and then what works kind of becomes your act.
And then, you know, if you want to be successful at a comedy, you don't keep the stuff that doesn't work and the stuff that works you build on, but it doesn't necessarily grow that much. You just get like that monster 20 minutes, you know, which is what we worked on.
And I don't know if that's anywhere near answering your question. Well, I was curious because I always love hearing stories about the heyday of SNL and what the schedule was like, how hectic everything was.
It was amazing. But at the same time, the thing that comes away from me is it was extremely democratic.
The more I'm in show business, the more I realize that was fucking remarkable to be able to be literally at a place where if you wrote something if you if you're on a sitcom if you're writing a movie and you say yeah that the idea that anybody's ever going to read that in front of people to get some real laughs is like it just doesn't happen but like my first job in show business is a sire night live basically and um anything i wrote got read in front of everybody. So Adam Sandler would write this thing.
And like, you know, either it would work or whatever. But if it did work, I mean, everybody got a room of people reading it.
It's very fair. Right.
Whereas opposed to most show business, it doesn't get a reading. So in that sense, for Lorne Michaels, I got to say the genius of him was like identifying people and getting the network out of the way and then and then you know letting us see and to see what worked and he was open to what 90 of the time depending uh you know with a few exceptions of what if mike myers had a movie with dana carvey or something wayne's world or something whatever was got the biggest laughs got on the show i mean you can't ask for anything more than that yeah that's pretty fair so anybody who complained i always went like well you know i know and you know that you had the opportunity and it just didn't work for you that's interesting because people uh when you when we talk to people who are on snl or part of snl you know a lot of times it's talked about how hard it is to get lauren michaels to laugh and you're kind of flipping it on the other end and being like this is actually the best spot because you If you didn't make Lorne Michaels laugh then that was on you.
I'm sorry. If he heard other people laughing he would recognize that too.
The worst audiences are people who have been subjected to comedy every week and having to laugh. So you got to really get them to laugh, you know.
But unfortunately, even in that democratic environment, half that department, half the people in that room are costume people. So, you know, trying to make the costume department laugh and it's like, hey, I'm sorry, that ain't my audience, you know.
Right, yeah. So you just have to get enough and whatever it is.
And like people who complain, it's like, shut the fuck up. You had your opportunities, you know.
And if it didn't work for you, I'm sorry. But it's ain't about the fair business.
You know, this ain't about like you get a sketch on because, you know, it's like whoever participated. It's participation trophy.
And it ain't it. So and so are you saying if Lorne Michaels was totally dead face in a reading and was like, I don't I don't think this is funny, but everyone else laughed, he'd be like, all right, let's put it through? Yeah, he would, absolutely.
Okay, nice. I feel like there's a myth about him where he's like, you can never crack him and getting him to laugh is so hard.
No, he's an easy laugh. He's a very generous laugh guy.
I shouldn't say easy, but if you know a way to get to him, I've been a whore where I wrote stuff I knew he'd laugh at. And that ain't good either.
You know, because you want to not just get like a showbiz kind of laugh, you know, because there's stuff that can make him explode with laughter. I've made him violently laugh.
And I've made him not laugh, but everybody else was laughing. He said, Rob's called a good one.
What was the easiest way to get to him? What were his comedy hotspots that you knew that you could push? Some inside baseball shit. I did a joke one time.
I knew it was going to get him a laugh. I talked about some TV talk show that some guy was a hack, I not going to mention but like um who had a you know a show a show and they were having trouble getting guests was the sketch and i said the line does do they know that we shoot during the day and it just he was like because like it's like an availability thing and that's a problem that he has you know you know the availability to get movie stars or TV stars or getting Mick Jagger to come and, like, you know, tell Mick it's early dinner, that kind of shit.
So I just knew that, you know, I rolled the dice, and it was an easy one for me on that one. But that didn't help me, you know what I'm saying? So, I mean, at that point, sometimes it's like, it's like okay okay i know i'll get a cheap laugh here but how does the rest of the sketch add up you know so right but it is what it is and the longer i i was just talking to dennis miller like a couple days ago about this over the weekend and we were saying man how amazing was that and i remember like you know i ran into eddie murphy two summers ago and uh you know and I'm ago.
Eddie's idea was what he said was like, look, I couldn't wait to get out of there, and I didn't realize the best time I ever had in my life was there. It's true.
It is true. Are you happy that you were on SNL during a time when no one had cell phones so the after parties were extra fun because i that's also part of it is like being snl fans you know it's so funny after no one no one's ever been as blunt with me as that but uh but no you're a thousand percent right because i remember going to like i mean it's a hundred hour work week if you if you if you did it right.
And if you were a young guy and you want to take advantage of the situation, I loved it. I loved that being there.
And I like writing and having somebody go, you know, get you a sandwich at like two in the morning. And there are people, people were dying to get a job there.
And so you had people who literally would research stuff for you and get you whatever and the stuff. And it was like fun.
And I remember like the guy, one of the guys who was like one of the writer's assistants is now running a, is now the GM for a local TV place in Ohio. Every time if I'm doing stand up there, he says, come on, man.
And he shows me pictures of me and Chris Farley and David Spade and Adam Sandler. And he's got these little, you know, Polaroids of it, you know.
And so it was um the grace but what was your question i'm sorry the after parties how sick were those oh yeah yeah yeah so so here's what happened like i would you know you're you know it's you're wiped out at the end of the week and you're exhausted and you're you're like i remember like at like at the the you know i'm asian so it doesn't go 100 but like i remember like i would be tired by 9 o'clock, but by 10.30, but by 11.30, the show, my eyes would be almost slits, would be closed because I was that exhausted. It's like the end of a 100-hour week, and you've got to peak at the end of the 100 hours, not like 50 or 60 or 70 hours.
After the show, you can't wait to just let let your hair down, go to a party and just relax. And I remember somebody took a picture of me.
This was before the cell phone stuff. And they had me sign it the next week, and I'm literally like this.
Just blitzed. And I'm like, fuck, I better sober up or something.
Yeah, yeah. I have to do something to wake up from that.
It's like a combination of you're exhausted and you're having a few drinks and you're letting your hair down. Is this the last week I'm going to be in show business? Maybe one more week.
You don't know. And you're with a bunch of very funny people, which I'm sure are a good hang at a bar.
Absolutely. No, I got to tell you, I mean, Farley, Spade, Sandler, Rock, there's just, you know, it's an insane amount of funny people.
Right. And they're incredibly funny.
And that's a guy like no one can compete with Farley because no one's willing to hurt themselves like he is, you know. Right.
But like, and then, you know, the easiest giggle in the room is sandler sandler's always giggling whatever farley does so far he's going to take it to another level and then spade was always commenting and and doing the opposite of that and uh so it's just a and and then the guy who had the right take on everything was always chris rock i mean he just has a handle on human behavior and just reads things. He's a beautiful guy.
Beautiful, brilliant. Was there a certain host that came in and you guys went out with him on Saturday after the show was over and you're like, God, I hope that guy never hosts again because I stayed out until 7.30.
I never talk about that. I never really worry about it because show business is like, you can have somebody having a bad day and that doesn't necessarily represent who they are.
No, no, I meant the other way. You can have somebody.
Like you had so much fun with them at the after party. You can have somebody having a bad day and that doesn't necessarily represent who they are no no i meant the other way like somebody like you had so much fun with them at the you can have somebody have a bad week i mean you could have somebody have a bad week i remember hosts who didn't like us i remember like a guy i loved and he hated us he hated us hated us tom hanks no no hanks was lovely he was always beautiful but was it was there a guy that was like so much fun to hang out with after the show that you were like bent up for a few days and you're like, man, if that guy ever comes back, I'm probably going to die in the after party.
Well, I mean, he wasn't like heavy partying, but like you could tell he wanted to. john goodman yeah he's like oh i wish i could go off right now these are the guys i would do that with yeah yeah he seems like he can put a few away he's just he's one of those guys who's um you know an all-timer you know it's like it's a great guy, great actor, a great comedian, great timing, great dramatic actor, and just an incredible guy.
It's just like you're drawn to people like that. Hanks was the same way.
Alec Baldwin is the same way. We were just, you know, you knew there was an edge to Alec Baldwin because, you know, just having that many brothers, you know, he's always looking for somebody who's going to punch me in the face, who's going to take my sandwich.
But just a great guy and a brilliant actor and can do anything and was fearless and just was as comfortable with comedy and dumping himself in the middle of some silly sketch without bringing any baggage of a really terrific dramatic actor. And I admire him to this day for that.
Do you know that you are part of a conspiracy theory online? Probably. So our colleague Nick wrote a blog titled Rob Schneider, a harbinger of disaster.
So apparently every time you have a new movie out, a big oil spill happens within a week of that movie. I don't.
I can't say. I mean, I think you can kind of there's usually some kind of oil spill or something happening at any time anyway.
That's somewhat true. It's shocking, though.
It's shocking. Deuce Bigelow, December 10, 1999.
MV Erica Tanker spill, December 11, 1999. Hmm.
Yeah, but if it's in the same place, I'll agree with you. Okay.
Deuce Bigelow, European gigolo, August 12, 2005. Hurricane Katrina spill reaches shore Augustth through 15, 2005.
Yeah, but you can't say no, no, no, no, no. I don't know.
Hey, no, you're saying spill. That means no, no, no.
The spill reached is not the same time as an ocean thing. Grown-ups.
Grown-ups. June 25, 2010.
No, no, no, no. You got to give me that.
Deepwater Horizon vessel disconnect 25th, 2010. Wow.
Rob, the facts add up. That's not my movie.
Stop making movies and dropping oil everywhere. That's Adam Sandler's movie.
You can't connect. That's a bit of a stretch.
I will say, though, the bloggers and those guys. Yeah, I'm familiar.
you realize like the pressure that they're under you go like god i hope they can come up with something like that because they got to sell like they got to sell like 12 articles to like still live in their mother's basement you know what i mean listen uh-huh you have not i'm not saying they're a hectic schedule no i'm not blog nine to five what do really think about bloggers? We're in the trust tree. We don't even know any bloggers.
I just think they've got a scam going. I don't know how good of a scam is, but I get it.
It's tough for everybody, especially now. So whatever thing they could try to, if they can correlate me to some whatever natural disaster or a man-made disaster and make $100 out of it, which is probably all that article paid, God bless less, way less.
Way less. Or you can be part of the solution, Rob.
Maybe every time you make a movie, you go show up on a beach somewhere wearing a parka with a toothpaste and a toothbrush. Just clean up a seal.
Yeah. I think you're right.
If that article was big enough, I would consider it.

But I don't know how many eyeballs that got.

How many comments did he?

How many comments are on there?

Yes.

Yeah, he's kind of a loser anyway. Yeah.

Speaking of Deuce Bigelow, what came first?

The name Deuce Bigelow or the occupation male gigolo?

Well, I'll tell you the truth. The original title was called Deuce Baggio Male Prostitute.
And I remember the head of the studio at the time, Joe Roth, said to me at one of those Disney parties, he said, come here, Rob, come here. Hey, if you think I'm going to spend $12 million to make a movie called Douchebag, you're you got a fucking real problem.
Go change that goddamn name. All right.
OK. Hey, Steve.
Very quick conversation. I went I went right to my little Hollywood Hills.
I just thought it was funny. I honestly, you know, was amazed that they were even going to make this little movie.
You know, thank know thank god you know my buddy adam sandler decided to start producing movies other than his own that was the first one he did and um i went up to my little hollywood hell's house and jumped in the pool and i said i better come up with another name and so i was just you know you're thinking like ace ventura you know like iuce, you know, that wasn't much deuce big hello, whatever, you know, I just thought there wasn't much thought into it. It was just, you know, very silly comedy that I, you know, I don't know if they'd even make today.
Yeah. But silly is king.
If you make a silly movie, make people die laughing, they'll never forget it. And I went to the theater when like um when that came out when we're doing the previews and like people were dying laughing and it was like i said i think we might have a hit here maybe this will work you know yeah and um and it just it's a process that you go through and it's hard it's the hardest thing in all show business is to get a movie made do you usually do you usually go to the theaters and watch your own movies like in an audience i felt weird about it you know because but then at the same time it's not like i'm a stand-up i gotta like i want to see that reaction i spent a year of my life on that movie a year and three months you know i was like writing it and then like editing it making it yeah rewriting it rewrite 17 drafts or whatever and like and uh and then you know you film it which is a blast then you edit it then you screen it and you then you make some old trims in it you mix it which is also fun and you know and then you put it out there so you want to sneak in opening night in the back of the theater see if they're laughing see if their people's are in the seats too and i remember once as um i was out someplace adam sandlerler and his buddy quentin tarantino was there oh yeah and uh his buddy and i'm i remember yeah he was in little nicky with uh with adam and i think that's where i know yeah that's right i couldn't i couldn't place it yeah and um so um i said yeah he said so he was saying hey congrats on the movie, man.
You're acting really funny, man.

Really funny.

And I said, yeah.

He says, it was kind of embarrassing to admit.

But like I would go and I was just at the theaters.

And I had to sit in the back and watch the reaction.

He said, it's kind of embarrassing.

What do you mean it's not embarrassing, man?

When I have a movie come out, I go and I sit from like noon to fucking midnight.

I'm there for every show.

I mean, that's what I make it for, man. It's for the people.
I want to see their reaction.

I want to see if those stuff is in my head, if that works.

What else am I getting in about? Holy shit.

You know, I mean, it makes sense, right?

I mean, that's what's fun. I feel like that's what Quentin Tarantino would do

anyways, just spend all day, every day

inside a movie. And Deuce Bigelow made

$92 million. Was that

the moment where you're like, America's

fucked?

You mean, well, what do you mean? In what sense? Just Deuce Bigelow was that big of a success. Like, wow.
And like you said, it's a silly kind of comedy. I wouldn't say America's fucked because of that.
I wouldn't describe it that way. Well, the oil tank, too.
Okay. That correlates with it.
No, I just, the thing to thing to me i didn't understand like i didn't understand what what the numbers were that meant hit right you know it made more money than uh mission impossible did in dvds which ended up being that's when dvds kind of first really really took over from videos so i didn't know that that was like a gigantic fucking deal, you know, but it made, it was the second most profitable movie and second most highest grossing DVD next to only slightly below, like a few hundred thousand dollars below like Green Mile. So it's like Green Mile, Deuce Bigelow, Mission Impossible.
It's like, holy shit. So that was gigantic.
So at that time I could do anything I wanted. It was like the wide open.
I was, you know, it was, it was more money than like, you know, my dad was just like stunned by how much money I started making. And, uh, you know, and at the end of the day, it's really, you know, the, the guys who make the decisions in Hollywood, it's about like, not what they think is the best movie or not what they think, what they're excited to produce or put their name on.
It's like every executive knows they're going to get fired sooner than later. And so they make decisions on what will delay my inevitable firing the longest.
And so what they do is they just like, well, whatever's a hit or a hot has a chance to be a hit. I want to put my name on that.
And that's why they want to make like 200, $300 million movies if they can because they know the studio has to push that through. And so if that goes down, everybody goes down.
So it's just like this stuff that you don't realize when you're just making a little $12 million movie that in hindsight you wish you did know, but you're going to learn sooner or later. So it's been a fun ride, and getting a chance to still do it is unbelievable.
So I have one last question. It's the MeUndies soft question of the day.
Go to MeUndies.com slash PMT to get 15% off your purchase speaking of movies and making movies we have a movie for you yeah uh have you heard of it already i mean i assume that adam sandler is probably involved david spades involved ever heard of these guys zach efron yeah he's a yes it's called boner dogs done done okay you're right we don't have to pitch you you're in i've got a rule for you yeah you're

and as we said, Adam is executive producing it. We've got a cast lined up for it.
You are the one, like, missing piece of, like, the Sandler Hollywood mafia that we need to be attached to this. I would like you to play the Catahoula,

the Catahoula dog,

which is like a New Orleans swamp dog.

And he's a sled dog.

And one of the dogs gets a boner.

And then the dog doesn't know what to do with its boner.

And then you say, do you know what you say?

As the Cajun dog?

No.

What?

Think back to the water boy.

Fix your own problem.

Get that away from me.

That is not my issue.

I'm going back in the swamp until that goes back down.

There you go.

Okay, well, you just read for it.

Yeah, perfect.

We're going to put that in.

We've got our casting director. We'll send you a check.

She's saying yes.

Uh-huh.

I get it.

No, no, no.

I totally see what market you're going for, and it's a wide one. So are you in? That's in.
Yeah, you're in. Totally.
I got your back. Okay.
I mean, I sense a little bit of apprehension. But legally, he said the word.
What's going to happen is I don't think you realize this. Adam's going to come to you in three years and be like, hey, I got this new movie I just bought the the rights to it's called boner dogs.
And you're going to be like, I'm in. Yes.
Well, you know, with a name like that, you got to go with what gets the kids. Yeah.
It's not us. Nope.
If you're, you, you guys are over 30. You're no longer your, your audience anymore.
I look like I got to go with the 14 year olds. Yeah.
So no, no, no, no. You can tell your body language.
You're in your 30s. Just like a gotta go with the 14 year olds yeah so no no no you can tell your body language you're in your 30s just like a slunch the blogging posture is that another blogger joke yeah it sure is no no just starting to get to the point in your life like you know maybe everything isn't gonna work out that's true been there i like that that's a comfortable place to be that's where you want to be man you gotta let go at, man.
You don't hold on to these unrealistic dreams. You're in it now, man.
You're part of the whole wheel that's turned. But, yeah.
You're in. Okay, you're in.
You're actually going to... There's going to be like a 15-year-old kid that comes up to you in the supermarket and is like, Rob, you're going to be in Boner Dogs and at that point you'll believe.
Trust me, it will happen to you. And I got a payment for you.
Hey, listen. Hey, I got to tell you, I think Seth Rogen made that movie already.
No. No, did he? I think he did.
He just made a movie about a pickle guy. No, that was different.
Yeah, that was Boner Logs. What about all the food, all the hot dogs? That was a Boner that smoked weed.
Sausage party. Sausage party, yeah.
How familiar. I think I don't want to get sued by Seth Rogen, so now I'm out.
He's Canadian. He can't do shit.
No, you didn't let me tell you what. Instead of in lieu of payment, I'm going to get the Rob Schneider oil spill blog deleted from the internet.
You can't, man. When it's on the internet, it's there forever.
It's gone, man. People know.
Just apologize for the oil spills all we want. Somebody's going to take that shit, and they're going to already take pictures of it and screenshots.
It's there forever, man. The internet don't go away, man.
It's true. Take that with you.
Oh, man. All right, well, Rob, thank you so much.
Everyone check out. Thank you.
I love your set. You got the best name in the whole podcast industry.
Oh, thank you. Did you say that to every podcast you go on? Pardon my take? No, because they don't have some respectable-looking set like you have there.
You like that express? You've probably never seen one of these in your life. How much you bench? It's not about how much you do.
It's if you get off your ass and do it. That's a nice piece of equipment.
We're just about to buy that for the mansion here. My wife wants one.
Nice. The manor.
Nice. Okay.
I sold one. I had one similar to that, a little bit more upscale.
It slid and then stopped. You know that one of those things.
Yeah. But I wasn't using it.
Oh, you're talking about the ones where it goes into things so you can't hurt yourself? Oh, that's a beta machine. Yeah, that doesn't work out.
You don't know what raw power feels like. I don't want to know what raw power feels like.
Right, exactly. I don't want to know.
I can afford not to know. Spend the extra $250 and get the thing that kind of locks for you.
Who's the blogger here with the fucking

you're benching with the guards?

Jesus, man. No, no, no,

no, no. You're going to want to go there.

You talk to me right now in five years, you're going to get that right

back there behind you. And then you'll

know. Then you'll say

Rob was right.

No, thank you. I bet you have

sex with condoms.

You should take that boner dog money of yours when you get it and invest in some real workout equipment thank you. I bet you have sex with condoms.
You should take that boner dog money of yours when you get it

and invest in some real workout equipment behind you.

Save your boner dog money.

Don't blow it away.

Oh, no.

You're blowing down the stupidest shit possible.

I'm going to be blown.

It is impressive.

I like that you got the 25s.

You could have easily put the 45s up there.

No, we're honest.

Yeah.

It's actually 10s up there.

They're 10s.

They just look.

These are like the CrossFit weights.

This is what Billy bench presses.

Sounds like you're's been lying to you if you think these are 25s. Are those 10s? Yeah, these are 10s.
Your trainer's been lying to you. But I curl it with one arm.
I've been like, Rob, you're benching so much these days. Is it the sand 10s or is it like the metal 10 tens? No, it's sand.
That's composite.

Oh, you are a weightlifter.

Nice lightweight stuff.

Bumpers.

They're bumpers. If you get the plates, if you look, it's closer to the 25 size.

Yeah.

I did have one last question for you.

Yes, sir.

What can I do for you?

You've been in three of the best football movies of all time.

Did you know that?

I don't know.

The Waterboy is pretty damn good. Waterboy, The Longest Yard, the remake, and Necessary Roughness.
I gotta say, I love Adam Sandler. He's my pal forever.
I just showed up to say hi. The next thing I know, I just got back from doing a movie in Europe.
I come back to say hi. The next thing I know, I'm in the Mexican gang saying, gang bang in the shower! We had to loop in through.
Free showers! Whatever it was. like group hugs in the showers we had to loop into um free showers or whatever whatever it was like group hugs in the showers you know but um but that's what happens if you say if you show up on the movie set and say hi the next thing you know you'll be in the movie the mexican gang but um yeah i think you know the original when i was a kid that's movie, you know, Burt Reynolds was the coolest guy.
And you to be on the set with Burt Reynolds was like, it was unbelievable, you know, because that as a kid growing up, that was the coolest guy. I didn't, we didn't have Marlon Brando growing up.
We didn't, you know, the guy for us was Burt Reynolds. Yeah, that was the coolest.
So when Burt Reynolds was a guy playing in a football movie you believe like that is the quarterback right there's no doubt you know right that movie to me is just like if you're 11 and you see the longest yard it's the greatest thing you've ever seen in your life and so that was uh and so to be on the set and see the remake of that with Adam playing that part and to have like Burt Reynolds there was like one of the most unbelievable things ever yeah we just got to start showing up on the movie sets and getting offered these gigs as the prison rapist. Hey, thank you, babe.
But hey, I wish you guys the best and continued success for you. And whatever.
If you want to use composite or if you want to use the plates, if you want to step it up, I'm just going to support you, whatever you guys do. Yeah, I mean, we'll talk to you soon when we start Boner Dogs.
All right. You laugh, but we're definitely going to make it, and you're definitely going to be in it, dude.
And your payment is going to be a real man's weight. You're actually going to be in this movie.
I made a movie called The Animal, so don't worry about it. Yeah, that's right.
It ain't about the title, man. What's behind each other? Keep it out there, boys.
All right. Thanks so much, Rob.
Thanks for letting me plug my comedy special, Asian Mama, Mexican Kids.

And it's on Netflix streaming worldwide now.

And it was a lot of fun to do.

And that's where I started.

And I wanted to like a testament, a record of me doing stand-up.

Because that's where I started.

Most people don't even know that I did it.

And so thank you for helping me promote it.

All right.

Yeah.

Check it out.

Thanks so much, Rob.

Hope your chin heals.

Take care.

Yes.

All right.

Good luck on the chin.

See you.

Thank you.

All right.

See you.

All right, buddy.

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And now, here's Tim Woods.

Okay, it is that time again.

We have our very, very good friend, Tim Woods,

back in studio.

How's it going? Good to be here.

It's great to have you, Tim.

We are going to continue our Dungeons & Dragons quest

Thank you. We have our very, very good friend Tim Woods back in studio.
How's it going? Good to be here.

It's great to have you, Tim.

We are going to continue our Dungeons & Dragons quest.

We also have a little wrinkle this time.

We have the ping pong lottery machine set up with numbers 1 through 20.

So if you're watching this after the fact, you also get a – I think we're going to have the camera on it for all the rolls as well.

So it should be very, very exciting. I actually don't know how it's going to affect this game.
It's going to be random. So I feel like when I roll the dice, I'm more likely to get like a 15 through 20.
Correct. When I'm doing this, I might get like a two or three.
I got hot last game. Yeah, exactly.
Remember I had like three 20s. Actually, Tim, someone, there was like, you don't know how long I've been playing Dungeons and Dragons.
I've never had three 20s in a game. I was like, yeah.
We have had some amazing swings of luck, and I have to say I'm very excited to see this new dice tower in action because I don't think I've ever worked with such a cool D20 before. I think this one feels charged with good luck.
So would you say that everyone in the Dungeons & Dragons community is going to look at us and be like, damn, these guys are cool? I think that there's a lot of competition for cool dice towers. And I think right now we've got the coolest.
That's what I would say. You know what we should do? We should like paint it.
So it looks like a dragon. We could.
We got this whole this whole front. All right.
So, Tim, let's style. Yeah.
Let's recap where we're at. Absolutely.
So people can know where we're picking up our story and then we'll get into it.

For sure.

So we had last left our group of heroes when they had been delving into the cave of a dragon cult where it seems like they had been using this cave as their headquarters. and while kind of dungeon delving into here

to defeat some of the cultists

and fight some of their monster minions,

we had discovered that they had been expecting us

and had prepared an ambush for us

from none other than our own Berserker Billy, who had been raised from the dead. We defeated him once more a second time.
And after he got slain by the Warlock Ehrlich, dealing the final blow once more, we are now left pretty much safe in this dungeon right now, having just defeated Berserker Billy, but also gotten a bunch of guard drakes on our side. The cult has all these guard drakes locked up in a cage nearby, and right now they are howling the praises of Norm the Barbarian.
Probably off-key, though. A little bit.
Courtesy of the bard who convinced them.

Wayne had convinced them to join our side, I believe.

And we did also find out at the very end of last session

that this cave isn't just a headquarters for this cult.

We think it is also a hatchery of some kind.

And it is maybe where they are keeping some dragon eggs

that at the very least are highly valuable in the world of D&D,

regardless of whatever else we could maybe do with dragon eggs in our hand.

I have a quick question. Absolutely.
Not to get too, you know, throwback to Game of Thrones, but how does a dragon hatching work in terms of, like, in Game of Thrones you have to be, you know, mother of dragons in the fire? Like, is there a similar setup with that, or, like, can we just get an egg and it hatches? would be a definitely a similar setup and i would say a fire dragon like a red dragon would be very similar to game of thrones but there are many different dragons in the world of dnd so it depends on the egg and how much you know about that particular kind of dragon so we would have to see what eggs are there and then we would be able to know at that point it sounds like we want to take these eggs i mean he's he's gassing up the eggs if nothing else i feel like we could crack the eggs open and make some serious omelets and get some gains true heck of an omelet yeah now are the eggs are they like in the embryo stage if we were to come across an egg are there different stages of egg development in theory there would be many different stages of egg development and depending on how good we on knowledge checks, our wizard might be the expert here for figuring out, okay, how do we maybe help this egg grow to its full power and hatch quickly? All right, so let's try to find these eggs. Absolutely.
Whose turn is it? I'm going to let us know that right now we're going to be starting with Cake's turn, then Ehrlich, Wayne, and Norm next. in theory we we're keeping the same initiative order right now, but I also do want to say that right now we are all in luck because we were pretty badly injured, or if we weren't injured, we had maybe some spell slots that we had used up in the case of the wizard.
But right now, after defeating Berserker Billy, especially because it was the warlock Ehrlich who defeated this demonic creature once more, I would say there's a surge of energy that fills all of us up, and we are back up to full hit points and full spell thoughts, as though we had gotten a full rest right now. In addition, all of our characters were level two, and after defeating Berserker Billy, that levels us up to level three.
So we have a lot more hit points than we had just a moment ago. And we each gain kind of like one little ability.
I'll just let us know real quick. Wayne, you now have the spell Invisibility.
You can turn yourself invisible when you want, and that's very useful for sneaking around and doing stuff like that. Norm the Barbarian, you now have the Berserker Rage ability, where you can now swing two times just like berserker billy used to be able to do except you can do it every turn as much as you want just to clarify i'm stronger than billy i now have the only thing that he brought to the table and he's still very much dead and he's still very much dead right now make sure that that was all clear absolutely and you you are now a berserker barbarian with a lot of hit points and erlik you are maybe gaining my favorite level three ability which is where warlocks really start to flourish is at level three because you are now a pact of the chain warlock and that means you have summoned and bound a little demon who sits on your shoulder and does your bidding.
This demon has a little scorpion tail that can sting people for like a ton of poison damage and they can turn themselves invisible or into like a bird or a bat or a spider or something like that. So can I name, should we name my demon? You can absolutely, I would love to know.
You can take your time on it or you can let me know. When it gets to my turn, I'll get an input.
Well, at 100%. I'm very excited to hear about your demon, then.
And it is specifically a type of demon known as an imp, technically a devil type creature. Which is any time you talk to him before 11 a.m.
That's what Hank is right now. Absolutely.
And in theory, then, that is all kind of our... Well, Cake, you in theory gain a bunch of second-level spells, but I'm going to kind of see what you want to do in any given situation, because you have so many options, I'm just going to go over, wizards have so many different spells they can choose from, we'll see what you want to cast in a given circumstance, but you will have new spells that you have access to, but at the moment, we are in a cave that seems to have two exits, besides the way we just came from, which was like back to the fungi pit, there's two different ways to go.
We don't know which way leads to the dragon eggs. But then next to us to the north, there's also the caged off area where the hounds, the guard drakes are all locked up.
These lizard-like creatures with horns in the center of their head. What would you like to do right now? You could like scout ahead in one direction? What do you guys think? It's like a 50-50 shot.
Yeah, like the road less traveled seems like it might be the better option because people aren't just walking in and out of the hatchery willy-nilly well everyone zigs will zag absolutely so you've got kind of a left tunnel and a right tunnel you don't know which way is going to the eggs which way do you want to go left or right i'm a lefty i gotta go left absolutely love it so i'm gonna tell you as you go left are coming to a cave that looks like a dead end, and you don't see any eggs immediately, but you see boxes of supplies in the corner. It looks like food stuff has been piled up here.
And on the other side of the room, there is some kind of pile of rags that's been tossed here with a creature that is asleep, it seems. On that pile of rags, It is a big creature that is chained to the wall right now,

and you immediately don't even need to make a check to know what this thing is.

It has the wings and front body of an eagle,

but its back body is a lion, and this, you know, is a griffin.

This is a flying, mythical creature,

but it looks like it is chained to this wall right now, and by all accounts, a prisoner of this cult at the moment. And you see this, griffin hasn't woken up or anything, you can do whatever you like.
I think the griffin, I mean, the only, why are we going to kill the griffin? A griffin could be a very powerful ally. Oh, fuck it? Didn't you hear about the rags on a period? Oh, true.
It's also asleep, so you have to ask it first. Take it, Hank.
Hank, you want... Hank wants to rape a griffin on his period.
Time out, Hank. Time out.
Jesus, Hank. Relax.
The demon's coming out a little early, Hank. You're playing the role of Billy today.
So, the griffin... It seems like this would go a few different ways, but I't think it's that We've already taken down a dragon We can handle a Griffin Griffin's not a tough enemy for us We could also become friends with it And have it join our squad Like who doesn't want to Yeah I'm not intimidated Let's see what the Griffin has in store Is the Griffin You said that there were rags Is it healthy? It does not look healthy in the sense that it looks like it's been chained here for a long time.

Is it a healer?

And it's being beaten occasionally.

It's a Robert Griffin, it sounds like.

Can I...

Yeah.

You want to check in on it?

Yeah.

Let's see the health...

Let's do a health check.

Absolutely.

Go ahead and roll a medicine check on that.

All right.

Absolutely.

You can roll a...

Yeah.

Okay.

Our first roll.

Very exciting. Oh, oh, oh, no! I like the dive, man.
Unfortunately, with a four, well, you do have a plus three on this, so you got a seven total, and with a seven, you go to check on the griffin. And it almost, like, reaches over and snaps at you.
But it realizes at the last moment and freezes. And then in the common tongue says to you, well, you don't seem like a cultist.
Who are you? And it seems like they're awake. They are awake now.
You thought they were unconscious, but it turns out they were just resting. I'm Cake the Wizard.
Cake the Wizard? You don't seem like one of the cultists, Cake the Wizard. What are you doing here? How did you get here? I'm here to help you.
I'm not here to intimidate you. You're here to help? Well, unchain me from this wall then.
Help me help you. Are you trying to get out of here, or what are you doing? We want your help to get to the dragon eggs.
Dragon eggs? You after the eggs bold move but i approve i'll help you if you unchain me from the wall and then kind of gestures at the chain which is kind of embedded into the wall by a rusty spike that's kind of hammered into the wall the griffin says i've been trying a few times but i haven't pulled myself free now you could try your strength but your strength is not great um i. Can my teammate tag in for me? Isn't Big Kai really strong? Absolutely.
I'm strong. I would let you have Norm tag in right now on your turn to do your action in that case.
If it's the two of you working together actually, then you can both roll. You can roll two times, one for each of you.
He's helping you right now. You roll a die

and I'll hit the machine. I'd just like to say

ahead of time, I'm in favor of going

forward down this path, but just keep an eye because

this Griffin seems like he was a little

too eager for us to let him out, you know?

You think he's setting us up? I question

his motives, but that's fine. I think

we can kill him if we need to.

Jake's gonna roll, I'm gonna do the ping pong. This is gonna be your

strength check, and then this is Norm

helping you on the ping pong. Eight.

Eight? Okay. You's going to roll.
I'm going to do the ping pong. This is going to be your strength check, and then this is Norm helping you on the ping pong.
Eight. Eight? Okay.
You're loosening it up. You're loosening it up for him.
Technically, that's a seven total, though. You have a minus one.
Oh, it didn't go up. It didn't go up.
It didn't go up. That doesn't count.
It was going to be an eight, but it doesn't count. Doesn't count if it doesn't emerge yet.
It doesn't emerge. I feel like this is going to be a 20.
This has an extra element of maybe it could be a 20 and then it falls back down. I feel like it's going to be a 20.
I've been on a hot streak. Oh, it's an eight.
Ball, don't lie. Okay, it's an eight.
It's an eight, but with a plus five total for you, Norm. You are getting it done and you are able to yank the chain out of the wall.
The griffin still has the

chain around his neck, but it is now

free from the wall. He whips the

chain around. Alright, let's go.

You're going for the eggs, not getting out of here?

Alright, I'll come with you. Let's go.

And he's very excited to join us, it seems.

Okay.

Cake, you can do whatever else you want. You can also

roll an insight check on this griffin if you feel like

you don't trust him. I trust him.
Absolutely. I love it.
Fantastic, Cake. You have a lot to learn about journalism.
You have a griffon. And at this point, Ehrlich, we would be up to you next.
It seems like we found to the left was a dead end that we just freed a griffon from. And there's a way to go to the right.
We've also got these chained up drakes who might join us if we free them as well now. So should I roll? Absolutely.
You can do whatever you like. You want to go lotto.
In theory, you also... All right.
Let's go lotto with only big ones. In theory, what? In theory, you can go to the right is the one way we haven't explored yet unless you want to do something with the drakes who are currently still chained up at the moment.
Not chained up, but locked up. The drakes are our enemies, though, correct? They were our enemies until we got a critical hit convincing them to think Norm the Barbarian is just the coolest.
So should we do what we did with the griffin and free the drakes and then strengthen numbers and just go down and fuck up these dragons? Squad. You could if you wish, absolutely.
But what are the chances that the drakes turn on on us right now? It seems like they're going to help us as long as they get to attack somebody who is our enemy. Once they run out of enemies, then they might start getting bored, but we did get a critical hit.
It was a pretty good role. You remember once, once we start to lose the Drake's quickly lose interest in following you.
And we don't know what else is down the cave. Like anything.
Do we need right-hand side. What do you guys think? I don't know.
It's your role, dude. I don't necessarily trust the Drakes fully.
I don't trust the Drakes either. I feel like we...
And we already have the Gryphon. Yeah, so we can fuck them up.
I'll fuck them up. I have Berserker now.
Can we kill one of them just to show them we mean business and then free the rest? You absolutely could. They're caged up right now.
I'd say if you Eldritch Blast one of them right now, I'll let you make an Intimidate check to see if the others all fall in line. All right, let's do that.
You have a plus five on Intimidate. We'll just use a lot of machine for big rolls.
Yeah, Kai, use it. For big, big things.
Absolutely. Let me.
Oh. And you'll have a plus five on this, so you got good bonuses going.

16.

Nice job.

Absolutely.

With a plus five, that's a 21.

You absolutely smash one of the drakes in the face, and all of them now.

There are four drakes who want to follow you now and are admiring Norm,

but are terrified of Ehrlich the Warlock and will not disobey him, you think. So we got a squad.
We got a griffin. We got five drakes.
Anything else? Four drakes. We got four drakes now, a griffin, and all of our teammates.
You're also welcome to use your move to try to pick the lock to free them, if that's what you want to do. Unless you just want to use a spell to blast that open.
Eldritch Blast, in theory, could knock their cage open, potentially. Pick that lock.
Yes, pick the lock. Pick the lock.
We've Eldritch Blasted them to show them we mean business, and now we can show them, you know, we're not going to blast our way out. We can free you.
You got a plus two on this dexterity check. Three.
Twelve. Oh, that was a three.
Three. I'm sorry to say.
A five total. You are trying to pick the lock right now.
One of the drakes jumps up to the door and starts, like, shaking it, and it's making it harder for you to pick it right now. She's like a big dog just getting too excited to go for a walk right now.
But you are definitely getting it a little bit more open, and maybe we will see on Wayne's turn now. Actually, the griffin catches up to us and gets ready to attack whoever.
Might come up and try to attack us, but right now he's just looking at the drakes like, I don't know if I like this or not. He raises one eyebrow.
I want to use my invisibility. Absolutely, you can activate your invisibility right now.
It's a new toy. What can I do with my invisibility? Can you use it to go inside the cage and open it from the inside? Or I can, well, I could just do that.
I don't have to be invisible to do that. But maybe I get invisible, I go inside the cage, and then you guys go hunting for the eggs, and I can tell you what the drakes are actually saying if they're trustworthy.
They don't know I'm there. What you could do right now is you could turn invisible, then you could slip through the bars, try to get into the cage, and go right up to the drakes where they're kind of like right next to each other, where they could be whispering to each other.
And I'd let you eavesdrop on their conversations right now. That's what I want to do.
I want to eavesdrop on the drakes. Absolutely.
So you turn yourself invisible. I'll let you wiggle through the bars.
No problem. And as you climb down into this kind of pit area that they're in, they have the ability to mutter to each other.
I know that you speak a little bit of the draconic tongue and that is the language they are kind of grunting to each other and make a perception check now and you get to roll two times because you're right next to them to see if you hear them say anything. Okay.
Perception check. 10.
10. And roll one more time just see if you do any better.
19. 19.
You absolutely hear all of these drakes who are talking to each other are muttering in Draconic how they think that the strong one is really cool, but the little one, be careful, because the gnome, that one is actually quite powerful, and we think he can shoot fire and stuff like that. So they seem pretty dumb, actually, and they seem like they've fallen in line very obediently.
strength has proven to them that they should be on our side not on the cultist side we're going to get back to tim woods in a second with more dungeons and dragons but tim is brought to you by zip recruiter zip recruiter is the smartest way to hire we love zip recruiter they've been our sponsor since just about day one here at part of my take and they will help you if you're an employer looking to hire. I know a lot of people are right now.
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The smartest way tocom slash PMT the smartest way to hire and now more Tim Woods okay interesting so I don't think that we have anything to worry about with these Drakes we'll just whip the shit out no I'll fuck them up I'm an ab berserker in my back pocket alright so yeah so let's let them out I would like to let the Drakes escape bars you can try to pick the lock Ehrlich has made it a little bit easier for you now, but roll a d20 and you get to add a plus three. From the inside.
From the four. You did say from the inside? I like that.
Maybe that's a little bit easier. Roll one more time.
Yeah, it's easier from the inside. 17.
That's good. Yeah, all right.
And with the help that Ehrlich set you up with, you are absolutely able to kind of pick the lock from the other side. You push that drake away who had been kind of interrupting him.
And the lock is now picked. The gate flies open.
The drakes come bounding out. And the only bad thing that seems to be happening is the griffin immediately takes off into the air and is just flapping 10 feet above us like, okay, fine, all right, but I'm not going to land now.
I'm going to stay in the air at this point. He is going to, it seems like, still help us in attack.
He's just very cautious with these drakes. You've used the pronoun he a couple times with this griffon.
We can see the testicles and the shaft. I mean, all accounts, based on its voice more than anything, do seem to suggest it is a male griffon, yes.
How high is this cave, though? How high could it be flying? Not very high up at its highest point. It's 20 feet in the air so he's kind of pressed against the ceiling just barely able to flap around.
It also might be like that lady from Theranos. Might just have a deep voice that it puts on to sound important.
True. Keep an eye on that.
And the guardrakes come bounding out. Norm you would be up now so if you wish to lead the way Currently, the Bard is still invisible and will remain so until you

either attack or cast another spell,

Wayne. Then you reveal yourself.

I kind of want to kill these drakes.

Just let them out and just start swinging on them?

Take batting practice? Yeah, fuck them.

I really don't like them.

They're pissing off the griffin, dude.

They are. I think that the griffin is

our most important ally right now because

we can fly on it. We can crush people.
It's got the face of an eagle. I'm going to kill all the drakes.
The griffin looks like it could carry two people for the record. It is a great form of transportation.
The drakes can really carry anybody, and so you are going to swing at one of them? They can help us. No, they can't.
Strengthen numbers. They don't do shit.
I don't like the drakes. I got to say.
Yeah, and what we should do is we should shut them. Why would we just free them? Why would we spend all the time freeing them? So that I could kill them.
So, yeah, I want to kill these drakes. So you, would you like to go reckless and roll with advantage? Yeah, why not? Sure.
Okay, then if the drakes attack you, they will all be getting advantage on their attacks against you. That's fine, I'm not worried.
I'm rooting for the drakes. Two.
Two. And you said you were reckless, though, so roll one more time.
Yep. One.
One. Oh.
I'm sorry to say that you swing at the Drake, and your axe doesn't get stuck because you get to take the higher of the two rolls, but it does thud into the ground right next to one of the Drake, and he just kind of looks at you a little quizzically. I'll let you, that Drake you're right next to is going to try to like, what the heck was that, and snap to bite at you, unless you try to intimid all the Drakes right now.
Well, is there a chance? Can I just be like, it was a joke? I was just letting you know that I was boss? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, we won't kill the Drakes. That'll be intimidating.
Yeah, yeah, no, we're good. Or is there a chance that they all looked up to him so much because he was strong and they see him acting like a fool and now they don't like him anymore and they're like, we're just going to go and they just leave us? There's definitely.
No definitely because then they can tell on us we don't want that tell us tell other people that we're frauds no no tell everyone that where we are i just want to be like hey i was just swinging i was just taking batting practice drakes absolutely roll an intimidate check and you have advantage on this to convince them i'm back to having yeah that didn't work i want thekes back on our side. Absolutely.
One again.

One again?

But you have advantage on this because the Bard has set you up.

I'm going to the ping pong ball.

This is the big one.

This is the big one.

You got this.

You got this.

If not, you have another attack you can do this turn.

All right.

All right.

All right.

No, I want the Drakes.

I don't want to kill the Drakes anymore.

They look pretty tough.

They're each like a giant greyhound or pit bull. Come on.
12. Okay, that's good.
12 plus 5 is a 17. And that is with, oh, I'm sorry.
No, your intimidate is plus 3, but that's still a 15 or higher. The Drake just kind of looks at you and backs away, almost nodding like, okay, all right, I guess we're cool.
The other three Jakes are like, ha-ha, you almost got swung at it. But the one Drake who would have bit you is not going to bite you now.
Good stuff. Excellent.
Nice. That was fun.
And that would bring us then from Norm's turn to, I did put into initiative Bob Costas, and Bob Costas is just watching this whole thing happen. Oh, I forgot.
I forgot we got Bob Costas. His rock in hand, just like, oh, and he's terrified of these drakes.
You think these drakes love to eat kobolds based on the way that it is sniffing? They are all sniffing Bob Costas right now. But, Cake, that's going to bring us back to you.
What would you like to do at this point? Let's go find these eggs. I feel like we've lost the plot a little bit here.
We got so concerned with killing the eggs. We do have four drakes

and a griffon following us now.

We've done enough torturing of our own crew.

I think it's time to go back to the original goal

of the eggs. And you've

eliminated the left-hand route, so it looks

like the right-hand route should

be the way to get to the eggs in theory.

Alright, let's do it. Absolutely.
So you start to

head in the right-hand direction. It's a staircase

that starts going down, and

immediately with your elven senses

you can tell that up ahead there

or All right, let's do it. Absolutely.
So you start to head in the right-hand direction. It's a staircase that starts going down, and immediately with your elven senses, you can tell that up ahead, there are some kobolds making a lot of noise.
It sounds like at least four kobolds in the room up ahead. Kobolds are very weak, but if there's four or even five of them, that's a nasty swarm that we might want to deal with.
And you haven't seen them yet, but you hear them up ahead. What would you like to do? I think we have a big enough squad to take them down.
Absolutely. We certainly do have a lot of people.
Kobolds are not going to impede us at all or harm us too much. You can scout ahead either using Perception or Stealth, or you could just rush ahead and get ready to cast a spell at them.
What would you like to do? Do you think we just charge, should we play it safe? We could charge or you could use the drakes to charge because they seem to like the smell of Bob Costas who's a kobold. It seems like if we're going to lose some members of our squad, it could be the drakes.
Absolutely. You send the drakes rushing into this room.
Is that right? Yes. Boom.
Absolutely. They had a readied action to charge.
And as they charge down, roaring into that room, you just hear kobolds start screaming and panicking. They are fleeing and apparently getting mauled.
Do you enter the room now to see what's happening at this point? Yes. Absolutely.
When you see in the room all these drakes running around, there were maybe five kobolds on the ground who are in various states of getting dragged around by drakes and thrown around the room. They were apparently all like worshipping some creepy altar with a five-headed dragon statue on top of it.
They are not doing that anymore. They are trying to run for their lives and occasionally fight at one of the drakes, but they are losing except for the two kobolds who have taken off into the air because for some reason these two kobolds have flapping wings growing out of their back and so they are like looking down at these drakes who are just mauling the rest of their friends and so you can see this scene before you now and you still have your whole action to do a spell if you want.
It looks like the five kobolds on the ground are being taken care of but the two in the air air, the one drake looks up and is just like, nah, what are we going to do about that? We have to finish the job. Absolutely.
You've got some good cantrip spells like fire bolt or ray of frost that you could launch at these people, or you could go big and do a chromatic orb to launch. All in.
Absolutely, you're launching a chromatic orb. For sure, for sure.
Go ahead and roll a d20 plus 5 to see if you are going to hit this kobold out of the air. Jake, have you ever rolled dice before? That's how you do it? With two hands? All right.
11. It was an 11.
11. 11 plus 5 is a 16.
And what element did you create with your chromatic orb? You get to choose either poison, acid, lightning, thunder, fire, or cold. Lightning and the thunder.
You said acid? Oh, yeah. Should have done thunder.
And this orb of acid just splashes right into this winged kobold and completely covers its body. It's just bones and smoke and steam rising off those bones that clatter against the wall and onto the floor.
You dealt so much damage with the chromatic orb. This creature is just wiped out, no doubt.
Well done. Excellent.
But there is still one of these kobolds flying around in the air when Ehrlich would be about to go. Unfortunately, this kobold gets to go just before Ehrlich.

And this kobold is going to be flying over to not one of the drakes,

because you shot a spell.

This last flying kobold knows that you could take him out of the air.

And he's going to try to drop a rock on your head right now.

But I'm happy to say the rock lands right next to you, Cake,

but does not hit you.

And that would bring us to Ehrlich's turn next.

Ehrlich, what would you like to do?

You hear the fighting up ahead. The drakes are having a great time.
Sounds like the wizard is under fire, though. Shouldn't me and the drakes and griffin go help Cake? Absolutely, you 100% could.
If you rush into the room, you see that there is one winged kobold, and then it looks like all the kobolds on the ground are dead at this point to our drakes. And isn't the griffin, it's flying, right? The gr send the griffin into you know in theory it's gonna go right after your turn so it's gonna swoop in in just a moment all right it's a roll absolutely would you like to do an eldritch blast or you could send in your imp to do something if you want oh all right by the way my name uh for my demon on my.
Lola. Ooh.
I had a cat growing up that I hated. It attacked me every single day of my life, and I never called it anything but demon.
It was just demon, demon, demon, demon. Its real name was Lola.
All right, Lola. Absolutely.
So Lola right now is like digging her claws into your shoulder and is whispering, hey, boss, let me at him. Let me at him.
I'll go after him. I can take him out.
Would you like to roll for Lola? Let's go, Lola. Lola has a plus five on her stinger.
Doesn't count. Attack.
20! 20! All right, Lola. Let's go.
Absolutely. Suck our dicks, Billy.
Just like with the chromatic orb, I do not need to roll damage. Lola deals so much damage with her stinger, she immediately just pierces right through the neck of the kobold.

And you see poison just spurting.

And the kobold falls out of the ground, withered to the ground.

And all the other kobolds are slain.

It seems like this was some kind of altar shrine for the kobolds.

But there is another staircase leading out of here, further down.

It seems like the only way forward. But the drakes are finishing up with the kobolds.

And then Griffin flies into the room at this point.

our here further down. It seems like the only way forward, but the Drakes are finishing up with the kobolds and then a griffin

flies into the room at this point.

Our griffin flies and sees that there's

maybe pecks off the last

of the kobolds and then says,

do you want me to scout a

head down there and tell you what I see?

Alright, then I would like

to, Ehrlich, you just went. Why don't you

roll for the griffin to see how good a perception check this griffin's going to do. I hate rolling after I roll a 20.
13. 13, and the griffin has a plus 5 and actually has advantage.
Roll one more time on this. So far, you got an 18.
Bill, you want to roll? Just kidding. I just see that coming.
Everyone saw it. So we're going to go with the original roll.
The 18 was a success for sure. And the griffin flies back and says.
Sure, Hank, thanks. Oh, no.
He says, you were looking for the hatchery, right? Well, I found it. There's a pit that looks like there are maybe three dragon eggs or more.
I saw at least three dragon eggs, but I also saw something else. I saw one of the stalagmites coming out of the ground in this pit, a spike of stone.
I saw it wiggle, and I have no idea what that is about. It's like a Sibian.
Okay. And I would let anyone roll a d20 right now to see if they know what the griffin just spotted.
If they know what this thing might be. Maybe this will be a group knowledge check.
Nine. Nine.
But if we're going with the best knowledge check in the group, that would be the wizard with a plus five and with a 14. You at least know the name of what you think this creature is.
You've heard of creatures that can disguise themselves as stone outcroppings, like spikes of stone, and they are usually guardian beasts. You know they are called ropers.
Ropers. But you don't with a 14 know exactly why they are called ropers.
There is some reason why they have that name, but with a 14, the wizard does not remember exactly in wizard school when they were taught about ropers why they are called ropers precisely. But they are camouflage predators.
Okay, got it. And that was all happening on Ehrlich's turn.
Well, the griffin had just scouted. So, Wayne, we are up to you.
You're still invisible. Can I go drag Billy's dead corpse off the ground, reanimate it, and then make it sit on the roper? You can definitely drag definitely drag the corpse.
Yeah, let's desecrate his corpse. I would say that you, looking at the spells that you have.
Well, our griffin's got to be pretty hungry by now, right? Leave me dead. Your griffin is certainly hungry.
He's hungry. And he is a carnivore.
And he says, hmm, interesting. That body's a little old, but I'm hungry.
I wouldn't mind picking at that a little bit. Yeah, I think I want to feed Billy's dead body to our griffon.
You start to feed chunks to your griffon. Just because she's hungry, yeah.
Absolutely. I'll also point out you're still invisible, so when you pick up Billy's body, it does kind of look like Billy's just walking around because you're like an invisible puppet master right now.
Can I use my hands to make Billy have a really stupid face and trip him a few times as he's walking? You make him walk around and we see Billy's face contorting in different ways, but then because he's in different pieces, the body parts start to fall over a little bit. You have a lot of dexterity, though, so you start catching him and juggling.
Yeah, I'd like to juggle Billy's testicles and then throw one against the wall. Absolutely.
There's a splat as something hits the wall, for sure. Okay, great.
So, now I'd like to feed his corpse to the griffin. Absolutely.
The griffin is actually saying, you know, there's something tangy about it, like dark magic or something, but you know, it's not bad, and the griffin keeps eating this. And the griffin is also thanking us for having freed him.
He does introduce himself after this delicious meal and says, you know, my name's Blake. It's an absolute pleasure and I'm so, thank you for freeing me.
I really, really appreciate it. He's now really feeling like a member of our team now that he got to eat.
Oh, it's a Blake Griffin. Our former teammate.
It is a Blake Griffin. Actually, I don't like Blake Griffin anymore.
He kind of ditched us the other day. Oh, I'm sorry.
This can be a different offer. No, Blake Griffin's fine.
Just for the record, I'm mad at him. All right, so now that...
Let's take him out. You want to take him out? Maybe one of his other...
His good knee. We'll take out his good knee.
He's already got one bad one. Turn his good knee into a bad knee? I don't know.
I mean, what... No, I'm happy that we fed him.
He's probably feeling healthy right now. I'm going to be the bigger man for the record in this situation.
Even though I want to hit him in his other knee, I'm going to be nice to him. I'd like to enlist his help to find out exactly what this roper thing is.
Kind of like circle the roper from above and survey it. See if it has any ill intentions towards us.
Absolutely. I'm going to let you roll another perception check with advantage for Blake Griffin as he does another scouting move for us.
That's a 7. Well, he has advantage to roll one more time for Blake the Griffin.
Oh, it's a 10. Absolutely.
So 10 with a plus 5, or 10 total, are you saying? Or is it a 15 with a plus 5? It's a straight up 10. Straight up 10 on the die.
So 15 total with a 15. He is able to fly back and he says, okay, I saw a piece of the stalagmite open up for a second.
It has a mouth. I can tell that much.
And then I saw something like wiggle out of a piece of the rock. Like's holes all over this thing and something that looked like a weird like maggot worm or something came wiggling out like a snake maybe out of the out of the rock itself and Blake doesn't know more about what a roper is but that is what he saw I want to track down these eggs though and he's eating the eggs around this Roper, unfortunately.
Like, the Roper's guarding them. Okay, so I think I know what we should do.
I think we should take Bob Costas' body, throw it to the Roper, and then go collect the eggs while Bob Costas is getting eaten by the Roper. What about Billy's body? Is there any Billy's body left over? There's definitely some Billy's body left.
Billy was a goliath. He was huge.
You had chunks of his body. And you can absolutely invisibly carry the body parts in.
If you carry them close enough, they'll turn invisible. And then you can start throwing chunks to where you think the roper is.
Is that what you want to do? I'd like to go in really close. And then from above, I'll just drop it in.
Like I'm salt-based sprinkling some seasoning into the roper. Absolutely.
You are able to climb down these stairs. And sure enough, just like Blake the Griffin had reported, you see this area off to the south where there are all these eggs scattered in little nests.
And then in the middle, there's one conspicuous stalagmite that then just wiggles slightly. And as you kind of, it doesn't see you because you're invisible.
As you get closer, you climb up the wall a little bit and start dropping little chunks of food. And sure enough, you see it start to wiggle more and wiggle more.
Roll a deception check with advantage to see if you have tricked this thing effectively. 13.
13. Roll one more time.
This was a great idea, so you're going to get advantage on this. Love it.
15. 15.
And with a plus 5 on deception, which is what you have. That's a 20 total.
What you see is this stalagmite, first of all, open up this kind of hole on the side of it that then has an eye inside, a beady red eye that starts looking around, then another crack on it opens up, and there's these rows of jagged teeth. It's obvious that this thing is just disguised as a piece of rock, but it's very much a creature that then has all these tentacles that wiggle out of holes in the rock that start shooting out, and as the chunks of meat fall all around the roper, it's like Spider-Man or like a frog's tongue, just catching all the pieces of meat and tossing them into its mouth.
And it starts to look around, like, where's this meat coming from? But more pieces keep falling, and it's like, I don't have time to. I got to catch all these.
And it has at least, like, five of these tentacles. But now it is very distracted, trying to search around for all the missing pieces of food.
If you try to steal the eggs right now, you would have advantage. Okay, I would love to steal the eggs.
Alright, this will be your final roll

then with advantage. Two D20s

and you have a plus five on this too.

Two of them? Two of them. Okay.

Can I do one here and then one up there? Yes.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

First one down here.

Twelve. Twelve.

A second one. A seventeen.
Here's the second one.

Seventeen so far. Okay.

Come on, twenty. Give me some eggs.
Give me some eggs. Come on, 20.
What's that? Eight. Eight? We keep rolling an eight.
But you got a better roll on that. So is a 17 total on that? With a 17, you will be able to grab.
I'm going to give you this D4. And that's how many eggs you are going to be able to find.
So if you want to roll that die right there, you are going to get away with this many eggs before the Roper gets a chance to notice what you are doing. That's a three, I believe.
All three of the visible eggs that you just found, grab, grab, grab. And you can tell real quickly there are different colors, these eggs.
They are all different colors and you're having trouble figuring out which one's which, but you're gathering up three of them and you're able to run along behind a rock now with those eggs just as the roper turns to look at you and it knows where you are. It's heard you kind of scuttling behind the rock.
It's searching around for you, and it's going to try to get you with one of its tentacles, but it missed. You feel this, like, tentacle reaching over your head, and it, like, sticks against the rock above you and then pulls, and it recognizes it's not pulling anything, so it just peels off that rock, and you ducked invisibly underneath it.
In fact, he had disadvantage. Let me just make sure he didn't get a one so you don't get to attack him, but he missed you and then Norm the Barbarian would be up now.
So you got the eggs? I got three eggs. Do you want to smash this Roper thing or do you want to smash the eggs open or do we want to hatch them? I don't know.
Or should we run out of the cave? We're probably gonna, we should probably I'll go and then maybe we'll end with Jake. So what should we, maybe? I'll point out, Norm, the Roper's very distracted right now.
If you're looking for more dragon eggs, somebody could sprint in, use their athletics to try to do so real quickly. Grab a bunch of eggs, not being sneaky about it, but while the Roper's busy, grab as many eggs as you can and then try to run back out.
Okay, all right some more eggs are you sure we've got three eggs no we'll grab some more let's i mean you can never have enough dragons that's a very good point all right uh this will be an athletics check then and if you're raging you now have advantage on this okay yeah i'm raging do we have the bandwidth to raise like a bunch of dragons we got i think we just let them raise themselves okay free ranch dragons yeah dragons. We're not going to tell them how to act.
We'll just leave the TV on and just let them go. Alright.
15. With a 15, so far so good.
That's a 20 total with a plus 5. But roll one more time just to see if you do any better.
3. 3.
So we're taking the 20 total. With the 20 total, you also can sprint in.
And by the time the roper turns to you and realizes what you're doing, you are already grabbing 1d4 eggs. So see how many eggs you can grab.
Just kicking nests over. It's the top.
It took me a while to figure out. 100%.
It's always the same whichever way you turn it on the top number. Four! You found four more eggs.
You now have a total of seven eggs. You're just like juggling all of them, tossing them in your bag right now.
And you, Norm, and Wayne can tell that in this hatchery, besides all the eggs you found in the roper, there's also this kind of crevice off to the side that there's a little bit of sunlight glinting through. Like this could be a back door to get out of here, but you need maybe to be able to climb very well like Norm, or at least be able to fly in some capacity.
Yeah, can I blast this thing open too so we get more space so we can all get out of there? Absolutely. Make an athletics check to try it.
You're trying to widen the hole. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want everyone to get out. 15.
There we go. With a 15, you are absolutely kicking a bunch of rocks and causing a small avalanche that then creates a rubble slope that other people now have an easier time climbing out.
Well done. Excellent.
Actually, in fact, with that slope, none of us need to make checks anymore. We can either fly out or just run out the slope and climb out easily the rest of the way towards sunlight.
Cake, any last things you were going to do as we were running out? You can make one investigation check to try to grab more eggs, or you could do one thing to the road on your way out. Seven's not enough.
We're always wanting more. We're always wanting more dragon eggs.
Go ahead and roll one investigate check.

Best dragon egg

is the next one.

Yeah, yeah.

We should also make

the griffin shit

before it leaves

so Billy's body

goes out in the cave.

I don't want to

take that with us.

Come on.

Oh, I see some

good numbers up there.

Good numbers. Oh, that was nice.
13. Okay.
Wait, did it not count? That counts. And you have a plus five on this, so with an 18, roll the d4 one more time to see what our total tally of dragon eggs comes up to.
Whoa! What the fuck? It's a one. It's a one! So we rounded it out from a seven to an even eight dragon eggs.
Very exciting. You found one more, but I'm gonna say since it's the last one, this is the one that has strange runic markings all over it.
Strange symbols are glowing on this particular dragon egg as you grab it, wizard, and you are able to run out up the slope. And that is where we will, as we run out with eight dragon eggs successfully.
You're tricky, Tim, because I bet you nobody ever quits and gives up when they have eggs before they hatch. That's good strategy on your part.

I'm a little concerned about the runic egg.

I like that one. Was there a chance that maybe somebody got more active with this dragon

than was previously led to believe, and this might be his son?

Interesting.

I don't know.

Billy, you got any thoughts on that?

Hey.

Just kidding. Tim, thank you so much.
We that? Hey. Just kidding.

Tim, thank you so much.

We really appreciate your time as always.

Absolutely.

Love you guys.

Billy, do you have any thoughts or your fun fact?

Platypussies are the only mammals that are venomous.

There's no chance that they're called platypussies.

Platypussies.

Platypi.

Yes.

Maybe?

They're venomous.

They're not platypussies. I don't know,.
Platypi. Yes.
Maybe? They're venomous. They're not platypussies.

I don't know, dude.

But they're what?

It's a complicated plural.

I tried.

Pussies.

Platypussies.

Okay, platypussies are what?

What were you going to say?

They're the only mammal that are venomous.

How about that?

Is that it?

They also lay eggs.

Love you guys.

And beef. I love you.
I'm coming for your lover's dream.

I'm coming for your lover's dream.

Only me.

Only me.

Only me.