Huge Announcement With Deion Sanders, B1G Cancels Football, Hard Knocks, & Dungeons And Dragons

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On today's Pardon My Take, a huge, huge, huge announcement.

You probably saw it in the title of this episode.

Deion Sanders is our colleague.

Yes.

Deion Sanders works with us.

Hall of Famer Deion Sanders works at Barstool Sports.

Are we his boss?

I don't think so.

I might say that he's my boss right now, but please don't tell Deion that I said that.

He's not.

He's not my employee, but we are coworkers with Deion Sanders.

Yes.

And I don't know if this probably momentarily, like him being like,

oh, I'm coworkers with these guys.

That's got to hurt a little bit.

Yo, for sure.

He looks at us and he's like,

what, these guys?

But I think it's going to be

a great fucking fit.

And we have him on the show.

We're going to talk to him.

We're going to talk about

everything he's going to do.

He is electric, electric, electric.

He's also going to be on the show

every Sunday night in the fall

for 20 minutes, 21 minutes. We decided it's going to be awesome so get ready for that uh we have our greatest dungeon and dragons ever it was awesome because tim woods came into the studio so the first time we had tim on was during barstool gold when we were at the old office he's been doing this all via zoom via skype he came in it was amazing plot twist coming your way yes huge huge i have i had chills during this episode of dungeons and dragons we have the cancellation of uh big 10 impact 12 college football on the ropes and hard knocks oh and hot seat cool throne ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working? Nah, neither has Ariat.

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Okay, let's go. There is violence, and then a lot of stuff work will be done.

No place to hang out or wash in, and then I can't live all on the sun.

Oh, no.

We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we'll take it higher.

Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue. It's Pardon My Take, presented by Barstool Sports

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Today is Wednesday, August 12th

I'm sad, okay?

I'm gonna paint a picture, I'm going to paint a picture. I'm just going to paint a picture for you.
Okay. You wake up.
It's late October. You go outside.
You're walking the dog. You take that big, deep breath in.
Burns your lungs a little bit. Come on, big cat.
It's beautiful fall day, that brisk air. Come on.
You go grab a coffee. You sit down on your couch.
You look at the entire board. You plot out all 25 bets you're going to make on a college football Saturday.
You turn on the TV. It's Northwestern and Purdue.
They just started the game. They've punted six times in the first four minutes.

And you're saying to yourself, we're going to have a day.

We're going to have a day.

Flash forward, it's 3.30.

It's 2.30 Central time.

You're going to watch your team.

You're going to watch the Badgers kick the shit out of Iowa 10 to 6.

It's going to be great.

And then around, I don't know, 6 o'clock, maybe you go back outside for a little fresh breath there, right? The sun is setting. That little burnt smell of wood in the air.
You know what I'm talking about? It smells like leaves. It smells like leaves to yourself right now.
And you say to yourself, oh, man, when I go back inside tonight, imagine Dragons is going to hit. And I'm going to watch Ohio state and Michigan state.
And I'm going to sit there and I'm just going to soak it all in. My battery's been on 10% all day chasing a charge.
My eyes feel like they're going to bleed, but I am in absolute football nirvana and all that's gone. Don't why all that.
Why did you do that? Because I'm hurt. What you just did was.
Because I'm hurt.

You just wrote like a penthouse forum letter to yourself about your perfect Saturday.

And now you've just taken a val of celibacy.

I'm hurt.

I know.

We're all feeling pain.

I am not looking forward to waking up naturally on a Saturday instead of setting my alarm to

wake up at the crack of college game day.

I'm not.

I'm.

Where's Beth?

Where's Beth?

Where's Beth?

Where's Beth?

Where's Beth?

Where's Beth?

Where's Beth?

Where's Beth?

Where's Beth?

Where's Beth?

Where's Beth?

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Where's Beth?

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Where's Beth?

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Where's Beth?

Where's Beth?

Where's Beth Mowen going to do? What's she going to do? I want to hear her. You know what they should do? I want to hear her.
Free idea for the NFL. If there's no college football on Saturday, try to replace it.
I know you can't replace it. Try to do your best by just scheduling the game that has the lowest point total over under to be the 11 a.m.
game. Have it be like Broncos, Redskins.
11 a.m., Beth can call that. And then have the game that's supposed to be like the highest number of points and turnovers take place at like midnight.
So it's the Hawaii replacement at the end of it. So the Big Ten is canceled.
The Pac-12 is canceled. College football is officially on the ropes.
The swing state, swing conference is now the Big 12, which they have announced they're going to go forward. It seems like the Big 12 decides to play.
The SEC, the ACC, and actually some smaller conferences are going to play. So we might have still college football.
But today was absolutely heartbreaking. I never thought.
I thought the day that i wasn't watching northwestern versus purdue in the morning on a saturday was the day i died that was going to be the day i died there when when that doesn't happen on a saturday morning in october it's it that's a wrap i'm six feet under i saw that you canceled the fall i reluctantly agree that the I want to be cremated, by the way. I just want that on the...
I want to be cremated. Okay, motion to replace it with autumn.
It's going to be autumn. Yeah.
But there's no fall because... No fall's been canceled.
No fall. There's autumn.
I still think that we should have Oktoberfest beer. Nope.
Canceled. That sweatshirts without hoods, canceled.
Quarter zips. Foli christmas what about christmas christmas can stay but like okay the friday after thanksgiving nebraska versus iowa what the fuck well we still might get great color game that's the thing is nebraska and iowa play 10 times they're going in the the legends leaders and leavers division they might try to join up with the Big 12 or with the ACC or something like that.
Who's going to wave to the kids in Iowa? Who's going to wave to the sick kids? This fucking sucks. I will right now.
This is for you guys. I'll step outside every Saturday in the fall and wave to you guys.
God damn it. Hope you feel better.
This sucks. And I still think there will be college football, but it just won't be the same it's a conference i love it's they have abandoned me i understand everything that goes into this i'm not gonna sit here we're not gonna debate it again it's okay to just admit right no matter what side you're on in this and it's stupid as fuck that there are sides in this but it sucks that there's not going to be big 10 football it sucks that there's not going to be packed well i have a specific fuck you so this is a fuck you to the people who are like dude you're being a drama queen it's just sports no it's not no it's not just sports it's literally every saturday for the entire fall it's my happiness yeah it's not it's about like what we do for fun it's my it's my mental escape from the world this fall is going to be possibly the least fun autumn excuse me that we'll have in our lifetimes well all right let's table it here maybe college football happens it as hard as it is for us it's probably going to be even more difficult on jim harbaugh dude jim Harbaugh is still holding practice today.
Yeah, well, he's going to go insane. He's slowly hanging up his game day khakis and solemnly putting on the chinos of despair.
Did you see that they're going to allow the teams to do 20 hours of practice every week? I don't understand that. No.
I don't understand that. I do not understand.
I really feel bad for the coach's wives in this situation that they're going to have to spend a lot of time with their husbands. And maybe they haven't gotten to hang out with them for like, I don't know, 30, 40 years.
Are you are you really you just always walk around the house blowing whistles? Fuck, man, it sucks. Everything sucks.
Fuck coronavirus. I fucking hate you, coronavirus, you piece of shit.

Let's move on.

I don't want to say that it's Greg Shiano's fault.

But if you had the under of .5 and seasons it would take for the Big Ten to cancel their season due to an infestation of a virus.

Let's move on.

Let's move on to Hard Knocks where we could finally escape coronavirus could finally escape coronavirus oh wait no it was just an hour of coronavirus i would like permission to give another fuck you to somebody yeah fuck you to zoom fuck you to zoom zoom fuck zoom fuck zoom get it i am sick of zoom yes the first week it was cool it's like oh my friends are drinking a beer in a different house that's awesome i'll hang out hang out with them on Zoom. Now, every time I see a Zoom on Hard Knocks,

it's like I'm looking into a kaleidoscope of hell.

Yeah.

I can't process it anymore.

I'm sick of seeing that interface.

Fuck Zoom.

Oh, and you know what?

Since we're doing the fuck yous,

fuck you also to the people who are like,

dude, you didn't see this coming.

Everyone knew this was going to get canceled.

Shut the fuck up.

Cool brag that you have a frontal lobe and can see into the future i can't okay i hope for the best and don't expect for the worst that's how i live my life and guess what when the worst happens it fucking sucks it hits me like a ton of bricks because i never saw it coming it's a sucker punch to the face so fuck you to the people who are like dude i saw this coming from a mile away i never expected there to be collegeend zone. You're going to save a lot of money because you're not going to lose all your bets on Saturday.
I was going to get hot. No, there you go.
No, there you go. Well, that's another spin zone.
You can always say like this was going to be this was going to be fall cat. I was hot when coronavirus took everything.
Yeah. So fuck coronavirus.
But yeah, hard knocks. Hard knocks is back.
It was technically on. Yeah.
Highlights of Hard Knocks. Sean McVay took his shirt off, which you know...
Instantly. ...that he's been planning the entire summer.
He's like, you know, he's got that photographic memory. Uh-huh.
So he's like, I remember back when they interviewed me the last time on Hard Knocks, I remember that they spent a lot of time at my house. He's like, I'm going to work out this summer.
I'm going to teach the dog cool basketball tricks in the pool and the second the cameras get here boom well his fiancee yeah suggested to him that was very coy she was like hey sean do you maybe want to show him the dog tricks you've been working they planned that shit out sean mcveigh scripts everything it was the derrick carr last year when he was wrestling with his kids and it was so forced uh sean mcveigh listen we love you coach mcveigh but going for You know For a couple glasses Of rose And then Popping the top off Oh man that's weird I thought I had Chest hair last time I'm suspending Sean McVay From winning Football guy Of the week For at least September Boom There it is Sanctions have been made He can be added To thirst trap Of the year though Yes Oh he's definitely In thirst Julian Edelman Saw that And was like Dude I better get my shirt off immediately pop the top did you see by the way jules i fucking love him he had a picture the other day it was like cam and like all the the patriots wide receivers and they all had their shirts on and and jules had the fucking midriff yeah he had going on that was nice like just just peeking out but uh okay other highlights ofs. Anthony Lynn had coronavirus.
Anthony Lynn had coronavirus. And he found out because of a golfer.
Yep. He owns a Porsche.
He owns a Ferrari. It was a Ferrari hat.
Oh, that was a Ferrari. It was a Ferrari hat.
Excuse me. No, he let us know.
That was a Ferrari. Let's see.
Oh, Jalen Ramsey, still upset about his contract. Although, in that circumstance, well, respect to biz Jalen Ramsey, when a reporter you a question the same question three times in a row you have to give a different answer three times in a row right and all it takes is the first time i think he said uh that's between my agent and the front office you can't repeat it verbatim the second time say that's between the front office and my agent right new answer flip it on yeah um let's see oh nathan peterman still catching strays when you tweeted that out i actually thought that he was an animal control officer i thought that's what you meant by that no joey bosa signed his contract it was actually a kind of a cool moment i we were we were talking about in the studio could you just imagine for a second signing your name on a dotted line and being like everyone in my life is set forever and uh then they showed him like putting in the hard work and he has i don't know how many sacks in the nfl and it wasn't even a sack it was a knockdown of nathan peterman just a totally ricochet shot like dude you didn't need to put that in the highlight package but there it is nathan peterman eating shit on a football field they had melvin showing up in a slingshot in the three-wheeler.
One person has to do that every year. Always.
I think Hard Knocks has that in their garage, and they just loan it to somebody to roll up with. That was cool.
It was nice to see Terod back on Hard Knocks. So you said earlier, before we started taping, Jared Goff, first starting quarterback to be on Hard Knocks twice.
No, this year, Terod Taylor. He was also the starting quarterback.
Is he named a starter, though? I think so. He was the starter back in Cleveland.
And then Baker came in for him this year. I don't know.
Is it Terod? I love his balls. He's got great balls.
That was another highlight was Pep Hamilton just being stupefied by a competent quarterback play after spending three months with Cardale Jones. Oh, he threw that into the net.
That was crazy. Is that a spiral? Yeah, against no one.
And then one of the players walking off the field was like, I'm not going to lie. It's cool to see a ball thrown like that.
Like direct shot at Phillip Rivers. Oh, man.
Let's see what else. Oh, Aaron Cromer.
Fuck Aaron Cromer forever. You guys were mystified when he popped up on the screen.
I had a very visceral reaction to him him but he was the biggest snake of all time when he was the Bears offensive lineman coach and then punched a kid on a beach that's what I remember him for he was he was enjoying the beach with his family and a kid stole like a lawn chair from him and he punched a kid in the face that's a football guy fuck Aaron Cromer forever uh other highlights let's see there was Zooms. Fuck Zoom.
There was a lot of nasal swabs. Yep.
If you're a fan of nasal swabs, you enjoyed this episode tremendously. Yeah, that was a cool montage.
And they're like, let's show the coronavirus test that's exactly the same seven times in a row. I'm pretty sure that Belichick is collecting DNA samples.
And he's like, that guy's poorly hydrated all the time. That guy has a clutch gene.
That guy's on HGH. Let's see.
Anything else? I mean, they did the so fresh and so clean montage of cleaning the weightlifting equipment. I enjoyed that.
But yeah, it was a major bummer. Sean McVay built an inside outside.
Yes. He was like, I want, he did a walkthrough like he was buying a new house and picking out like which brass fixtures he wants in the bathroom he was like no i think we'll have a breakout here offense facing that way defense facing that way just you know what just build me in it would i have inside build that entire thing outside he's uh like the mutabi brothers that's a real throwback yeah remember when they did that uh what's that night at.
Shit. I'm dating myself.
Build the inside of the club on the outside.

So when you wait in line to get in, it feels like you're inside.

They want to feel old.

I guarantee you that movie came out before Billy Football was born.

It came out in 1998.

So yes, before Billy Football was born.

Belly Football.

So yeah, hard knocks.

They also have the stickers everywhere.

Somehow the NFL had time to get together. When they weren't planning on how to actually put in safety protocols, they had the time to make team-branded stickers with a lightning bolt that they would put six feet apart everywhere.
Six feet away, yeah. If Trent Richardson could run through this hole, stay away from it.
Stay far, far away. Hard Knocks was, yeah, one long, this is life with coronavirus.
I guess expected that. I think next episode will probably be a little better.
But it's also weird with two teams. I need a time lapse of the L.A.
Stadium. That was a no-brainer.
That was teed up for you. Dude, just check Rich Eisman's Instagram.
I don't want to check Rich Eisman's Instagram. I want to watch it on Hard Knocks.
I want to see them put – all you have to do is put a fucking camera next to the stadium for six months and then just show the stadium getting bigger it blows my mind because I'm like wow that stadium was really small and now it's big real fast yeah I think this is going to be a pretty boring Hard Knocks season because you know when they throw two teams at you it's like we don't really have anything and the whole time I was just thinking how awesome it would be if Blake Bortles was in this.

And he pulled up in his Tesla and it would have been sick.

And had like six empty tens of skulls in his Tesla still.

All right.

Let's get to Hot Seat, Cool Throne.

Then let's get to Deion Sanders and Dungeons & Dragons.

Huge, huge show.

Probably the – I mean the fact that we have Deion Sanders announcing that he is coming to Barstool Sports

and then we play 45 minutes of the most electric Dungeons & Dragons game.

Do you think Deion's ever played D&D? Probably not, but we should get him into it. We will put that on the list.
Yes. I just want to say, I don't want to pat ourselves on the back, but I think that's what they call range in the business.
Yes. When your home system or appliance breaks down, American Home Shield will help fix or replace the covered item, no matter its age.
Visit ahs.com slash listen for 20% off any plan. See ahs.com slash contracts for coverage details, limitations, and exclusions.
Okay, Hank, let's go. My hot seat is hockey.
You know, everyone in hockey tough, everyone always talks about, you know, they tough it out no matter what happens. There was a five-overtime game today, which was electric.
The Bruins were supposed to be on after, and they just postponed it until the morning because it was going on too late, I guess. Yeah, for the kids.
That's what the NHL is all about. Dude, that game, five overtimes? Yeah, five overtimes.
Like 85 saves. That drunken hockey overtime is so funny when the guys are so gassed that they're gassed their second overtime i know they're doing like like 20 second shifts they're falling all over the place it's just a war of attrition just trying to survive it's i mean good thing it happened early in the day because you imagine that would have been like three in the morning yeah yeah i mean it was how long was the game like seven hours yeah thatane.
Both goalies played. They were both standing on their heads.
It's time to break out that old phrase, which I love every year. Hot goalie, baby.
But this is definitely going to lead to some Mike Greenberg's dumb rules about how to fix hockey overtime, even though as a fan, if you don't have an investment in the game, if you're not rooting for one team or the other, it's still a lot of fun to watch. If you are a fan of those teams, five overtimes is just insane.
That's a marathon. You literally did the equivalent of running a marathon.
So there's going to be somebody out there that throws out a dumb take of how to fix hockey overtime. I would say...
Mike Milbury? What'd he say? He did. Let me pull it up.
Hold on. I love these.
I love it. All right.
He tweeted a super, super, super blurry picture of the Space Needle. Okay.
Whatever the fuck it's called. On another worldly night, Space Needle is an appropriate backdrop.
Insane Columbus TV game. God bless both teams for great effort, even though I believe we should end these games sooner via 3v3 or a shootout after a time.
What do you think? I actually do love 3 on 3. This is so awesome.
It is insane. yeah.
3v3 is okay. They should do that for overtime.
They should third overtime. Make the coaches put on skates.
I would love to see Tortorella get checked on the open ice. You know what they should do, actually? This is actually the fix, is you start overtime, regular, five-on-five, second overtime, four-on-four, third overtime, three-on-three, and then if you get all the way to the fifth overtime, it's just one-on-one.
That would be electric. Yeah.
So that's not the Space Needle. People are roasting them.
Yeah, no, that's not the Space Needle. Space Needle Seattle.
I think he's talking about the... CN Tower.
Oh, hey there. Toronto, yeah.
The big pin. It's the CN Tower.
The big pin in the sky. Yeah.
Stands for Canadian's Nice. My other hot study is me.
Future me. You know, Stool Streams is coming out today.
Obviously been known about it for months and months and months. I put off like a ton of shit until today, Tuesday.
No. To get it all together.
Future me. Yeah.
And I actually had a panic attack. First time in my life.
Really? I had like a real life. Like I had down.
My heart was hurting. I was freaking out a little bit.
So wait. So you had all this stuff to do today, and you still found time to sit and troll me while we played Mario Party? Well, that was...
I mean, I wasn't trolling you. I had to be running the production of it.
Oh, okay. And I was just trying to help out the other people.
I was just trying to lend strategy to the other teams. Hank, can I just say, like, I am concerned for your health.
You've been overworking things. Do you want to take, like, some time off this weekend? Maybe take off early? I don't know.
You know me. I don't know.
Do it, Hank. I insist.
If you guys insist. Yeah.
Okay. All right.
Good. Good.
Good. You've earned it, Hank.
I appreciate it. You already had one planned? No way.
Well, it was planned for last week, but then it was actually this week. That's true.
Just work as a panic attack. Oh, man.
It was kind of scary, though. I thought I was having a heart attack for a second.
For serious, though? I don't really know. I really don't know if it was a heart attack or a panic attack.
I think you just ate. You had a heart attack.
Yeah. We joke around with Hank a lot.
Hank puts in a lot of work in a lot of different areas here. Don't let the 16 hours a day that he's playing Call of Duty fool you.
I'm retired.

I'm retired. Or all the pictures he's taking with his dog.

Don't let any of that fool you.

Oh, act like you don't take pictures of your dog.

I mean, I don't have an Instagram account.

Neither do I.

That's true.

Normie does.

My girlfriend has an Instagram account.

A lot of people's girlfriends have Instagram accounts.

Exactly.

I don't know what that means, but exactly.

You know. My cool throne.
Do you have access to it? No. Probably should get that.
Why? Just in case. Yeah, that's a terrible advice, Big Cat.
No, you don't want She's the curator. If I send pictures, I just send them her way.
Okay. We need to get access to big dumpers.
Who knows what Billy's doing in there? Post screenshots of DM conversations. Put that in our tickler file.
Remind us to get us access to big dumpers. And then my cool throne is Dame.
Dame Lillard, Dame Time. Dropped 60 again today.
He's like the second NBA player ever to have 60 in one season. He's so fun to watch.
Next to Wilt. He's one of my favorite players.
Three times in one season. He also, shout out CJ McCollum for playing with a fractured back.
Exactly. That's why hockey's in the hot seat.
They can't even fucking have two games in one night and CJ McCollum's playing with a broken back. That was going to be my cool throne is just toughness in general.
CJ McCollum, he's podcaster tough. That's what he is.
All those hours he puts in sitting upright, carrying all these ad reads, that shit adds up.

Yeah.

I mean, think about it this way.

He can play with a broken back.

God forbid he had a pretty much broken hand.

It'll be lights out.

And so he's been playing with this for a while, right?

A couple months?

It's still so funny that LeBron said he had a pretty much broken hand.

LeBron would have let you know before his back was pretty much broken.

Pretty much broken hand. It was basically broken.
Yeah. Just throw a cast on it.
It's broken. Is that it, Hank? We done? That's it.
Great job, Hank. Thank you.
Hank managed to steal all of my hot seats and Cool Thrones. Cool Thrones.
Steel Thrones, 1 o'clock. There you go.
Yes. Yes.
There you go. So I'll just say my hot seat is the East Coast.
Just dovetailing along with hockey real quick. These are the times that really test your mettle as an East Coast sports fan.
Staying up until 1 a.m. I'm watching the Blackhawks right now.
1.30 occasionally. And I still have another two hours to go.
With this series, you're not going to get any games on Chicago time. It's all going to be West Coast time because it's in Edmonton.
No, Thursday's games at 5.30. Okay, there you go.
So you're saved on Thursday. But yeah, I personally blame the ice in Toronto for the five-overtime game.
I don't understand. Bad ice, Hank.
I would like a Zambonius to explain to me. We would love to have a Zambonius time.
Zamboner. Why? They say after five overtimes the ice is messed up, but isn't that the point of the Zamboni? To just Zambonify it, and then it's back to normal? Why don't they just put more water on it? Exactly.
Yeah. Explain it to Hank.
They should just have Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion walk across the ice, just one time each. Boom.
New ice. Damn.
Frozen immediately. Big time.
Big time. Why don't you look at us? I could skate across the vagina.

Also, cool John PFT Jesus or hot seat Jesus.

Oh, that was mine.

You can't keep.

You're not going anymore.

I'm trying to help.

What the hell?

I was going to say hot seat Jesus because he's getting shots put up over him all day long.

It's hot seat the NBA.

Kyle Kuzma's better than Jesus.

Putting shots up over Jesus.

Hot seat Jesus.

What a wild thing to say.

That was mine. That was? Jesus got crossed up once or twice.
Oh, man. All right, so you done? I've said that before.
I'm pretty sure. Yeah, you have.
Yeah, definitely. Are you done? Yeah, I think that'll be it for me.
Okay. I guess I have to find a new hot seat.
I'll just go. Well, let's see.
Let's go on Billy's sheet. Number three on Billy's sheet is Clay Travis keeps calling Darren Revell Karen.
So I guess that one. Billy loves that joke.
Billy loves that joke. Billy loves that.
That and browsers. If you got those two jokes, we're good to go.
Billy wanted to steal that joke. I have the old sheet? That's the old sheet.
Okay, I have this right here. We're falling but...
We're falling apart. Let's just get our way to the key on in a second.
I'll just say, hot seat everybody else in sports for not having Darren Revelle's brain because he was asked, what are the five greatest words that a golf fan can say? And his quote was directly, your demand in the hole. I repeat, your demand in the hole.
The famous golf course saying that we all know and love and use. How? What is? What? Brazzers.
Your de man in de hole. He should donate his brain to science just so we can figure out how to never have this again.
Yeah. A scientist who makes bombs so he can blow it up.
Blow up his brain. All right, my cool throne is Steve Spurrier.

This hurt.

Billy, don't give me that look.

He's the one that tweeted out JFK getting his head exploded.

Yeah.

In like HD.

At 4K.

7.45 in the morning.

A cup of coffee and a fucking assassination.

All right.

Digitally remastered. It actually had the NBC Zoom that they do for golfers at the tee box.
They went all the way around. Like, here you go.
Here's a bullet exiting his eyeball. Yeah, it had a soundtrack to it.
It started out with Revelle going Worldstar. Oh, shit.
All right. My cool throne is Steve Spurrier.
This hurt me, but it's good to know that Steve Spurrier still got it. So Pat Dooley tweeted, Coach Spurrier called a few minutes ago, said the SEC and ACC should just play their seasons and winners face off for national title because one conference is going to win it anyway.
So that hurt. But I love Spurrier.
Good to know that he's still got a little chip. Spurrier is absolutely still getting his shots off.
I hope Spurrier, I need to see more of him because during college football season, traditionally I feel like once he retired from the game, he probably doesn't even watch college football. He probably just, he's on the course, checks the scores every now and again, and then off A couple roasts at Tennessee Yes he's always on the course Alright Billy

Take us home

Hot seat cool throne

You got this dude

I was gonna do hot seat

Cool throne Putin

Nice

Okay

Okay why Billy

He says he has a

He's a vaccine

Yeah

I'm grasping at straws here

Because I go last

Dude he's got

They got the vaccine

They got the good good

I

Who knows

You don't trust it

I don't trust him on it

You wouldn't take it

Thank you. Yeah.
Grasp me in straws here because I go last. Dude, they got the vaccine.
They got the good good. You don't trust it? I don't trust them.
You wouldn't take it? Yeah, I would have weighed it out. They brought Big Ten football back.
What if they just labeled it as a steroid? Good point. What if they mixed it with a sweet batch of HGH? You've taken more suspect.
That's true. Hank, you've eaten more suspect things.
You've put worse shit in your body than mercury on a daily basis. Maybe it's crocodile.
Remember crocodile? Crocodile was sick. Gasoline and vodka.
Bill, I'm pretty sure that the pre-workout stuff that you take probably has most of the coronavirus vaccine in it already. Correct.
True. We should just give everyone pre-workout.
Yeah. Just sweat it out.
Just have a nation of jacked bros. Exactly.
All right. Anything else, Billy? Jake? Can I say a hot seat instead of Billy? Yeah, yeah.
Go for it. Jake? I'm putting a man named...
He's got a pretty much broken ankle. To your point, a guy named Emil Schlich.
In 1917, he invented the crutch. And I'm saying the crutch is useless.
It is. My armpits are more sore than my foot.
We got to get you a walking. You got the scooter.
You don't actually need it. Oh, here we go.
Alright, Salisbury vs. Clayton.
Here we go. Sound off.
I have two witnesses in here who saw the injury. I didn't actually.
I was looking at the ball. The ball that I slammed for a winner.
PFT saw it then. I saw the shot, but Jake crumpled in pain before the ball actually landed a second time.
So who's to say that you won? Billy, your retort. Hot seat Jake's pain tolerance.
That's all I'm going to say. Oh! I walked in the office.
I scooted into the office today, and I could just see Billy's brain saying Jake's opposed to you for having a scooter. I just knew it.
Jake, you should do a marathon faster than Billy on the treadmill on your scooter.

Ooh.

Okay.

So you just hold on to the sides.

Then you beat Billy in a race.

Billy, do you think Jake's a pussy?

No comment.

P-word, please. Interesting.

P-word.

You think he's a wet-ass pussy?

I think he's a, yeah, a wop.

Mm-hmm.

He's not Italian.

He should have been in the music video.

Oh, man. Damn, and that was our Clayton vs.
Salisbury debate for the record I'm team Jake in this yeah oh we're all team Jake dude a sprained ankle sucks yeah it's worse than a pretty much break I hope Billy gets hurt now oh we forgot the biggest news hot seat every band in the entire world. Oh, yeah.
That was my Cool Throne. Go ahead, Billy.
Cool Throne Nickelback. Nice.
Nice. If you don't like because they're coming out with something, they just gave us a date.
But Cool Throne Nickelback, if you don't like Nickelback, you're a sheeple. Well, Billy, you're also a quarter of a quarterback.

I think that explains itself

why you like him so much. My move back in the day

used to be going to the bar and

putting $20 into the

jukebox and just playing Rockstar

20 times in a row until the bartender

would actually have to shut down the jukebox

and bum everyone out. But I had fun and my friends

had fun, but it's a great song. You know what sucks

is that at NHL playoff games this year, we're not going to get nickelback singing the national anthem yeah sing oh canada damn and dude i seriously i'm worried about imagine dragons this is the thing that people don't think about okay they don't think about what's gonna happen yeah they probably have a banger ready to go and it's just not gonna happen release it for NCAAcaa football 2020 dude i actually daydreamed about the like aerial of jerry's world on that like last august saturday and kirk herbstreit you need to stop stop being like it's been it's been 200 days since college football but we're back okay you know what we need to do? And we have Clemson going against Oregon. Every Monday show, we just need to give Big Cat two minutes where he says what happened yesterday or on Saturday in his own brain in college football Saturday.
Just like we'll give you that time to just write your fanfic and get it all out there on Monday shows, okay? Yeah. It sucks, man.
Oh, also hot seat Colin Coward. You're a fucking fraud gambler, dude.
I mean, the fact that you said who cares about the Mac and the WAC, you can't talk about gambling anymore. You don't care.
You don't care. And Billy was right.
How about the kids out there? Yeah, you don't care about opportunity. You don't care about opportunity.
You also don't care about gambling because those are gambling conferences. That's why they exist.
He also put Joe Burrow on the hot seat for getting the Twitter handle at Joey Burrow. He said, Joey, Joey is a skateboard kid that has his hat backwards.
Get out of here, dude. Now that's a quarterback.
Get out of here. All right, let's get to Deion Sanders, who I don't know if we mentioned mentioned but he's a colleague of ours now we're gonna get right back to the show auto insurance can all seem the same until it comes time to use it so don't get stuck paying more for less coverage switch to usa auto insurance and you could start saving money in no time get a quote today restrictions apply Alright, back to part of my take.

Alright, here he is.

Our colleague, Deion Sanders.

Ooh!

Okay, we now welcome on

a recurring guest,

NFL Hall of Famer,

two-time Super Bowl winner,

and now, as officially

of today,

our co-worker. It is Deion Sanders.
It is Prime. Holy shit, man.
Welcome aboard. Thank you.
Thank you. I had no idea when I went on with you guys last time that this would transpire this quickly.
We're very charming, Prime. We're very charming.
I'm happy. I'm excited.
We're ecstatic. So Dion is joining the pirate ship.
He is going to be launching his own podcast, 21st and Prime. He's going to be doing some video stuff with some of his old friends from the league.
He's going to be doing some video stuff for an NFL show,

and he's going to be on this podcast for 10, 15 minutes

every Sunday night in the fall,

recapping what we watch on NFL Sundays.

All I get is 10 and 15 darn minutes?

You guys going to bring me on the show for 10 or 15 minutes?

That's all I get?

That's all I've worked to you?

You're very fast. 10 or 15 minutes? You're very fast.
And this way we can call it NFL prime time on Sunday. I don't think anybody's ever done that before.
I want more than 10 or 15 minutes. Done.
Done. You get as much time as you want.
That's all I need more than that. Yes.
You get as much time as you want. But we're really, really happy.
This is very exciting. How do you feel knowing now you can be we're gonna get like unfiltered prime you get to talk about whatever you want you you gotta understand when you're on a network show you got a 15 second to 45 second shot clock and 45 is a lot to get out your thought and flush that out.
Now I get to really exhaust my thought and tell you the unfiltered truth and state my mind and call my friends to validate the point. Are you kidding me? And then a whole new generation of people that I would have never come in contact with the 18 to 35s i got three kids in the 18 to 35 and i get to talk to them about whatever i want you better put a seat belt i'm having seat belts put in on my seat right now put in a seat belt let's install seat belts on every couch in america on every every like a bus seat in America, because when they're listening on Monday mornings, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
I'm very excited to have you aboard, Prime. I think, I don't know, there's like a bunch of different ways that we can get you on this show on Sundays.
One of my ideas, because we talked last time about your tackling. We had a very good conversation about that.
I was offended. I was offended.
Yeah, you were offended. Maybe we could do, like, like deon sanders biggest hit of the week best tackle of the week so we can rebrand you now as a big hit yes yes because i actually from my career i have a hit reel that's 50 59 minutes long and i just need one more hit to make it an hour so i can package it and you keep on messing with me about this hit reel i know where i'm gonna find this one hit it that's why i take a hit from you i yeah i go across the middle against you dion i'm not afraid of that i'll do anything for content that's what you'll learn about us pretty quickly or we could just have you race people because i know last time you were on the show we had you challenge to to a race to you don't want that he said he did first First of all, you got to understand T.O.
T.O. to a race.
T.O. He don't want nothing.

He said he did.

See, first of all, you got to understand T.O.

T.O. don't realize that, first of all, in 40s, I'm an O.

That means I've never lost.

Okay.

He got to understand in 40s, one of my favorite rappers is E-40.

You know, my guy.

He got to understand I've never drank a 40.

Okay.

We'll be right back. understand in the 40s one of my favorite rappers is E-40.
You know, that's my guy. He got to understand I've never drank a 40, okay, in my life.
And he got to understand I don't even look like I'm 40. And he's not even known for running a 40.
And he's going to challenge me. That's what I like about these new shows.
I get to say all this stuff. And nobody wants to stop me no i love it you want the truth and controversy do not scare you guys it's true you guys are as controversial as it come and i get to do that too yes yes so we should bring up you made controversy last week you went viral yep for your thoughts which well let's read the tweet do you have the tweet yeah i got the tweet right here all right we'll get your thoughts on it it says all players opting out in sports please believe the game will go on without you this is a business and don't you ever forget that there's no one that's bigger than the game itself only the ref umps and officials are that important that you can't play without them not you hashtag truth did i lie well you did do hashtag truth so it's hard to argue with that i would say well i think i don't think you lied tone deaf maybe yes because well no what is the way you read it first of all i wasn't taking a shot at my guys.
I'm a player, too. I wasn't taking a shot.
I was just allowing them to understand, hey, guys, if you opt out, I'm cool with it. That's your thing.
God bless you. Basketball players have guaranteed salaries.
Baseball players have guaranteed salaries. Football players are not.
The expectancy of your career is only three years anyway. If you opt out, I just really want you to know there's a major possibility and chance that you may never play again.
Just keep that in mind because normally football players and athletes don't understand this is a business until business slaps us in the face. Yeah, I actually agree with that.
And when I was reading it, I was reading it with that mindset saying that the game will move on without you, whether or not you like it, you might be used to having your starting spot here. You might be a star.
I think some people interpret it as saying like you're not big. Like don't think that you're bigger than the game.
In other words, like some people saw you coming in from a perspective of like pushing the players back a little bit. I didn't read it that way.
I didn't read it that way. People only read stuff and interpret things from where they are emotionally and mentally.
You got to understand, man, I'm a player's player. I'm always fighting for the players.
And I love to love. I love people.
I want people to be happy. So when I take a stance like that, I'm a player's player.
I'm always fighting for the players. And I love to love.
I love people.

I want people to be happy.

So when I take a stance like that, I'm really just trying to educate you and like,

hey, man, I think it's 69 players who opted out.

I can't wait to see the statistics the following year

of how many of those players go back to those teams

that they opted out from.

I can't wait to see it whatsoever. It's going to be fascinating to me.
But you do agree, like some of the players opting out for maybe their family has health issues and they can't take that risk. That's totally understandable.
Right. You're just saying understand the business side, which I agree with.
I think people don't talk about that enough, you that the NFL ruthless understand this is their business understand there's some GMs there's some head coaches saying oh so you you opted out when I needed you last year all right so when I do business on the other side don't get sensitive and see the thing about people even the people got alarmed for what I said. If they see some of these gentlemen in a mall

at a grocery store, having a good time in public with their kids, they're going to say, well, I thought you had a quarantine. Now, why are you in public? Didn't you opt out? That's how mindless people are.
You know that. Yeah.
If a guy, YouTube, if a guy opts out and you see that same gentleman pushing his kids in a playground amongst people what would you say i'd probably uh probably in that circumstance i'd be like hey nice to see you hope you're doing well hope the family's good but i have an autograph but i know i know what you're saying that it puts you under a little bit of a microscope somehow. And I think you were coming at it from a perspective of just being realistic, not necessarily saying that it's a good thing that the game will steamroll anybody or that some of these GMs might look at it next year and say, oh, this guy didn't want to play with us during a pandemic.
I'm going to cut him. I don't think you're saying that that is necessarily a fair or a good thing, but that is the reality of the situation.
Like this, this league will move along. When I say the game will go on, I'm being honest.
Hey man, this game is going on. Whether you out there or not, that game is going to go on.
They're going to play football. They're going to find another guy to replace you.
And if he does his job, he's really going to replace you. It's the sad truth, but it's reality.
So I'm going to take a spin zone, positive spin zone of what you just said. You're guaranteeing that there's going to be an NFL season because we've had some bad news today.
Obviously, the Big Ten and Pac-12. Guaranteed.
Prime guarantee. I can't guarantee nothing but me.
I can bet on prime. I'm not the bad man, but I bet on prime.
So I don't bet on another man. I don't ever do that.
You don't want to play Blackjack with me because I'm playing for me. Matter of fact, I don't care what the draw is.
I'm playing for me. And my rule in Blackjack, I'm not going to hit myself out.
How am I going to take myself out of the game? That's a whole other thing. But I really do feel like NFL will play this year.
Okay, I like that. Also, but I do have one thing to point out about your tweet I disagree with.
It says only the ref, umps, and officials are that important. What about the fans? We pay the salaries.
The fans are wonderful. Thank you.
But if the fans don't show up, that game is still going to be played. But what about watching? How can you start a game without the Ops and officials?

Kick off.

Call your own foul.

Call your own foul.

Every year on Thanksgiving,

millions of people play football without officials.

Yeah.

In the backyard.

Call your own foul.

They don't count.

They don't count.

They don't count.

Ain't nobody paying to see them play in the backyard.

Come on, man. It's a league here in Dallas called Hood to Hood.
I have never – I want to take you guys there. I have never seen nothing in my life like this.
Imagine it's a brother on every yard line down there. That's how many brothers are on this field.
And it's tackle football. Say it one game and I saw three Amelamsters come during one game to scrape my brother up and take him off the field.
You're talking about hidden? I ain't never seen nothing like this, man. I want to produce it and put it on television because it's better than the MMA.
Now that you're a professional podcaster, we have to do something about your computer that tells you every hour on the hour what time it is. What was that? The 8 o'clock time.
That was a guy that I don't know. So that's going to be great.
Wait, has your computer been doing that ever since you've had it? Is this something where you're waiting for your son to come over to fix it? You know me, like you guys are going to get to know me, you know I'm not'm not computer literate i don't know anything about a computer i don't know anything about a phone but how to push sin and how to dial i'm not that guy i so i don't know i don't know matter of fact i think i need a new one no i don't know i like this when you listen to 21st and prime which which dion is going to be debuting very soon on the barstool sports network you not only are listening to a podcast with a Hall of Famer, but you also get the time told to you every hour. Yeah.
And you know what else? We'll throw in the clock for free. Why hadn't you guys mentioned that we're going to do a show on Sunday? Yes, we are.
I did. Yeah, yeah.
We're going to do a show on Sunday. NFL Prime Time.
We're going to do – there's going to be a pregame show. There's going to be a pregame show.
That I'm going to do. I'm talking about we're going to get together.
Yes, there's going to be a pregame show, and then there's going to be the part of my take. You're going to be on this podcast every Sunday as well.
We're going to have you busy. You're going to be working hard.
Are you ready for that? Okay. Who's the guy that's – I don't know.
Excuse me for this, being ignorant. But who's the guy with the Patriots thong on? Like one of got a that's all right yeah that's Dave that's Hank that's Dave and that's also our producer Hank yeah okay so can you ask this question for lightly he's listening does he really think if Tom Brady was the quarterback all all these guys would have opted out?

Hank? Oh, Hank.

Good question. I think they would have still.
I know it's a good question. That's why I asked

it. You think they would have still?

Yeah. Most of them were defensive

players. And

you really do think if Tom

Brady is there, which

darn near assures you that you're going

to have a shot at the Super Bowl,

what assures you that you're going to win at least

11 games, which assures you

Thank you. Brady is there, which darn there assures you that you're going to have a shot at the Super Bowl.

What assures you that you're going to win at least 11 games, which assures you

that you got a shot, you really

do think.

I think they have a better shot with Cam

than Tom.

Oh, that's a take.

What do you think about that? I like it, Hank.

That's why I like...

God, I like this stuff. Mama.
Mama. Mama.
I'm where I want to be. That's why I like you guys.
Because that statement right there, I'm going to bless you with that. I'm going to bless you with that.
See, I have the ability to pick up this phone right here and call Tom. That's the guy I am.
I got it like that. I can call Tom to get his feeling, Julian, to get his feeling on that.
You should call him right now. You should call Tom right now.
Tom is busy right now. Oh, okay.
Interesting. Tom's going to be excited to know that you joined up with us, though.
I think he listens to the show. Julian listens to the show.
He used to, when Julian would drive him to work, Julian would play to every episode. Yeah.
Julian's my guy. First of all, I think Jewel and Edelman, I mean, Jewel and Edelman, that was stupid.
Jewel and Edelman. Jewel and Tom would be a package deal.
He should go with Tom. That should be automatic.
I think you probably tried to. Break up Edelman.
Yeah. It'll be a package deal.
Yeah. He should, he should go with Tom.
He should, that should be automatic. I think you probably try to.
You can't break up the Jaxons. You can't break up Dern, New Edition.
And neither one of the guys are Bobby. You can't break up that kind of stuff.
Peaches and Herb. You can't break up guys like that, man.
You, you can't do that, man. Hammer and two big MC.
It was never the same when Hammer left two Big MC. You can't break up people like that.
I've always said that about Hammer. You can't break up stuff like this, man.
I think Edelman probably tried to just curl up into a ball and get into a suitcase when Tom was moving down to Florida and they caught him at TSA. Because you know he's going to be missing Tom.
Well, Prime, we're very excited to have you. Yes.
This is the beginning of a beautiful thing. Let's do this, though, because you're going to flush Hank with that opinion later on in the season.
Why don't you give us your way too early Super Bowl winner. Do it.
Super Bowl winner or contestant? All right, give us a contestant from each conference.

AMC.

Kansas City is the easy choice.

Yep.

But I don't like it.

I don't like it.

I got to give it some thought because I haven't had my –

I got my high school coaching hat on right now.

I don't have my pro hat on right now. Okay, give us one team.
NFC is going to be tough. I really like the Saints, man.
Okay. Okay.
I really like the Saints in the NFC. The AFC – darn it.
Oh, okay. I'll give you off the hook with AFC, and I'll change the question for a follow-up question.
Prime in his prime, going up against Mike Thomas, can't guard Mike. What's his stat line? Why would you even ask me something like that and I'm going to go? Like, why would you do that? Come on.
What's his stat line? That's like an insult. This is like asking Tyson in his prime, what did he deal with Sugar Ray? Come on, man.
Two catches? Do you know how daunting it was to line up in front of a dog that know you can't get deep? Do you understand how disruptive that is to understand that you curl your route one step too far that you could possibly see me dance for six days until the next game occurs. Do you understand that? I don't.
Do you not understand that even your parents and your girl are probably going to want to take a picture with me after the game, after I just think of what I did. Do you understand this stuff, man? Oh, fuck, man.
One touchdown. I played against Jerry Rice, man.
Mike Urban. Dern.
man one touchdown i played against jerry rice man mike

urban uh during chris caught i played against hall of famers guys art monk andre reed i played against the greats see this is what we're gonna do every sunday night we're gonna have the guy who had the most catches we'll be like what would his stat line have been against prime No, but you're trying to compare a monument to a moment.

What a quote.

Did you just come up with that right now? What a quote. This is what you guys are going to get.
I have not had this platform to give you all this stuff I got in my head. All right, all right.
God, Lord, I get to get it out. Let me do you one better.
Let me do you one better. We've already established that you would shut Michael Thomas down.
Zero catches, zero yards, maybe two pick sixes. Derek Henry takes a toss to the outside.
He's coming right at prime time. How do you bring him down? You know I had Charles Haley out there, right? Yeah, that's true.
You had some help. You know I had Charles Haley out there, right? He has a go-jack.
He ain't bad. You know, I had that guy.
You know, in San Francisco, I had a guy named Richard Dent out there, too.

You know, gold jacket, he didn't buy.

I just wanted to share that.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Well, Dion, this is awesome, man.

We're so, so pumped.

I mean, I'm jacked up just from listening to you for 10 minutes.

Sundays will never be the same. Sundays will never be the same.
We got to set it up. We're going to set a time, and I know you're a big clock guy.
We're going to set a time every Sunday night. We're going to just have you on for, let's say, 20 now, 20 minutes, and we're going to break it all down.
How about 21? 21. Perfect.
That's awesome. Perfect.
I love it. And your computer will tell you when 21 minutes happens.
Yes, it will. I have one more question to ask you because I just remember.
I know you would. I saw this video yesterday.
The NFL Throwback Twitter account did a little highlight reel of you, and they showed all your best high steps. What is the earliest that you started high stepping into the end zone? Because I think I saw one that started on about the other 25-yard line.
Probably against Houston, Warren Moon, but I don't know why he did it. But he threw like a little quick out, and I got him.
And I looked at him, too, and he was running. You know one of those times you have to run at the guy to make it look good, but you know you're not going to catch him.
And it was that kind of thing. I think that was the longest one.
Beautiful. God damn it.
Well, Deion, it's great to have you part of the team. I can't believe that I can call Deion Sanders a colleague.
I think that probably diminishes you and elevates me. You're just going to have to soak that moment in.
But welcome aboard, and we look forward to everything that we've gotten coming up. You know, you guys know what my ultimate goal is with Barstools.
What? I've really thought hard about this because I love the transparency. I love the controversy.
I love being able to flush everything out of my head. But my ultimate goal, I want to be employee of the week.
Okay. Well, we have that award.
We do that award every single week. Yeah.
I want, I, I, weekly, I plan on winning that award, award weekly. Oh, perfect.
Perfect. Well, Dion, we'll talk soon.
Thanks again, man. We're so pumped.
Appreciate it. If you hear a toilet flush, it's your guy across from you guys.
Okay, got it. I thought you didn't always flush.
Yeah, always flush. Okay, alright.
We're gonna get right back to the show. Auto insurance can all seem the same until it comes time to use it.
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USA! All right, back to part of my take. And now, Dungeons & Dragons.
Okay, it is time. We've taken a couple weeks off, but it's time for Dungeons & Dragons, and we have our good, good friend Tim Woods in studio with us.
Great to be here. Good to see you all.
It's fucking great to see you, Tim. It's also great to see all the die that you brought in.
Absolutely. I miss getting to roll the physical die on the table, so now I get to kind of do that again.
Yeah, seeing that. Tim, I don't know if you've noticed this.
I'm sure that you have, but you have quickly become one of the favorite, if not the favorite recurring guests on part of my take. You are universally beloved.
I don't think that there's anybody out there that's been like, I hate Tim Wills. I appreciate that so much.
I like to think Dungeons & Dragons is a game where people don't realize how much they love it until they see it in action. And then once you see it in action, you can't resist it.
It's too much fun. Yes.
Yes. So we're excited to have you back.
So can we do a quick refresher on where we're at and then we'll get right into it? No problem. So we are by all rights now, our adventuring party are the heroes of the village of Greenest because we saved the village from the evil dragon cultists and their evil dragon minion Lenathon, who we kind of drove off after Berserker Billy did turn upon us.
And last session began with us taking down the traitorous Berserker Billy. And then kind of following up on another quest, we discovered from a young monk's apprentice named Pilo that there were several prisoners taken.
And we have taken up the pursuit of these cultists who escaped with a few of the villagers. And what sounds like this poor monk's master has also been taken prisoner.
And we kind of got to where the cult in this box canyon seemed to have fortified themselves. And we did manage to take out their guards.
There had been a bunch of kobolds and one human guard up in a tower. We threw our kobold, Bob Costas, up into the tower.
And then it was our new wizard arrived. Our new teammate, the kind of wizard scholar reporter, as it were, who has arrived on the scene to help us.
It was his thunder wave spell, as I recall, that had blown all the other minions out of that tower. And we have silenced the initial alarms.
And as we are kind of looking into this valley full of cultists, we're noticing a couple of things going on. First of all, we can see many tents where all these cultists and kobolds look like they're kind of celebrating their victory, but well, semi-victory.
We kind of thrashed them pretty bad. They fled from the town.
So they're celebrating their spoils and their prisoners. We can see in the distance beyond what appear to be cook fires where they're all gathering to feast.
We can just barely see some people, about five people it looks like, all tied to posts with their arms behind their back. So we're already spotting just a little bit past all of these cultists, the prisoners that we're looking for.
But the prisoners are just below a mountain cliff at the top of which we are seeing a lazily sleeping dragon. The dragon Lenathon is sound asleep at the top of the cliffs just above the prisoners.
And all the cultists look like they're just about to have dinner. There's big stew pots going on where they're gathering around to feast.
We're also noticing there's one big tent in particular. It definitely looks like the leadership tent, if there is a leadership tent here.
And just behind the leadership tent, there's a cave entrance. But this could be anything.
There's just a cave a little bit past the leadership tent. So this dragon, Linathon, that's the dragon that Billy attempted to conquer.
They had a toxic relationship. Is she taking some time off? Is this like self-care for her? Is she tired? Or is she ready for another relationship yet? Or is she just figuring out what she wants to be doing with her life? By all right, she is sound asleep napping right now.
And if you were to judge based on the expression on her sleeping face, she has already forgotten.

She's moved on.

Okay.

If I could just do like a side dungeon and dragons, if I could pick my perfect ending to this, it would be that we reanimated Billy.

We saved his skull.

We reanimated him.

Then we fucked the dragon in front of him and killed him again. That's just That's just my dream.
Okay. What should we do? Ideal situation.
All right. So we need to figure out what it is we want to accomplish here.
It sounds like they've got some prisoners that they've taken. Do we want to save them? Don't care about them.
Do we just want to go to the dragon? Well, all right. So we have Jake.
So Jake is the scholar. I'll let Jake, Jake, why don't you, let's get Jake involved and let's Jake, let Jake, you decide what our next move is going to be as a group.
Tim, I was kind of, first of all, thank you for letting me join this journey. Absolutely, no problem.
Jake, let me also ask a quick question as a reminder for me. Did your elf wizard have a name yet? You do not need to have any interest yet? I don don't think we had a name yet.
I think also you might have said just Jake, possibly. I'm not 100% sure on that either.
We'll cook on that a little bit. Your elf wizard will have a name.
Darling Jake. What were you going to say? Cake, yeah.
Could be cake. Yeah, cake.
Okay. Cake the wizard? Sure.
Cake the wizard. Done.
I'd also like to note that Cake the wizard went to a very prestigious school for wizardry. He went to Medill.
He's a Medill grad where he learned all of his magic and spells. Love it.
Fantastic. As a wizard you did learn all of your magic from books and schools and stuff like that.
So you are a highly intelligent highly accomplished wizard but other situations that require you to like survive fireball blasts and things like that. Those will not be your forte.
Okay. So what did you decide? I was kind of intrigued about the mysterious cave.
Absolutely. So if you're curious about the mysterious cave, I'm happy to report that as an elf, you are trained in perception.
I'd let you roll the d20 right now. Let's go, Jake.
And you have a push three on perception to see what can I see about this cave. or since you're kind of our cultist nearby, we're hiding in the bushes kind of looking at deer, you might overhear something too.
So go ahead and roll a d20 plus 3. Calling 18.
Absolutely. I love it.
11. 11? Still very good.
And with a plus 3, that's a total of a 14. I'm going to say you can just barely see in the cave a figure comes stepping out who is wearing a dragon mask, and then you see him pull out these two short swords.
He spins one of them in the air, and you can tell this guy knows what he's doing with these two swords. There is a guard there.
That much is obvious. And then you overhear one cultist loudly shouting at a kobold, no, you're not allowed to go over there.

The hatchery, you think you're allowed near there?

Forget it.

You kobolds can stay by your own tents and eat your own food.

And they're really treating these kobolds real bad.

But you heard the word hatchery as he pointed at the cave.

So you learned those two pieces of info with a 14.

Whoa.

Whoa.

All right, who's next?

And in theory, that's our wizard up first. That's perfect because then Ehrlich, that would bring us to you next in theory.
And then it looks like Wayne and then Norm after that. We should go in that fucking kid.
Take the kid. Hatchery, there's probably...
We got some... It's four of us first.
Yeah, can I ask you a question about hatcheries? Absolutely. So is a hatchery, is it what it sounds like? Are there eggs in there, or is it like a nursery where there are like small kobolds?

Hatchery indicates that there are eggs of some kind.

Dragon eggs?

Proteins.

Proteins.

Yeah.

So do I have to tell you what we want to do before I roll or after?

In theory, tell me what you're going to do, and then we'll roll to see if it is a success.

I think, I mean, there's four of us and one guard.

I think we should take the guard out and try and take the hatchery. Yeah.
You could head for the hatchery right now. You can see the prisoners in the distance.
We're just kind of going around them right now, and we don't care about them. So if you are trying to go for the hatchery, I will let you lead the team in kind of sneaking along, and this, if you're trying to avoid the rest of the army right now, you would be getting to roll a check and that would be a plus two for you erlik to see if you can sneakily get us to the cave entrance how'd you do on that total it's a four it's a four so right now as we see our gnome warlock sneaking ahead suddenly the gnome warlock is getting spotted by a few cultists along the way.
We're going to see exactly how many cultists are. It seems like a team of three cultists and one kobold who were eating some food.
And then they look up and they see you. And they're like, wait, who's that gnome? And they start approaching you right now.
That will bring us to Wayne's turn next. And Wayne, you're kind of traveling with the gnome right now.
I've got some experience sneaking into places. What if we got dressed up as old people, like an old man, a woman, and I guess Hank could be our caretaker that can bring us in.
So, is that possible? Can we disguise ourselves? Absolutely. We're already kind of dressed up in cultist robes right now, but apparently a gnome was a little bit suspicious.
So they're coming over to look at us. If you're trying to roll to trick these people into thinking that we're cultists now or something like that, we already kind of look like them.
You'd be rolling a deception check, and you have a plus five on this. Could I, in theory, dress up, disguise myself as an attractive female gnome, and then the gnome would be too concerned with looking at me, and then all the other guys could get up? Just for the game.
Just for the game. Not for real life.
No, I don't want to wear a dress. Yeah, you would never.
I'm obviously not going to put on a dress, but in this circumstance, I think it might be advantageous. Absolutely.
I'll let you know that there are two humans and a dwarf approaching this gnome right now, and you are a dwarf, so dressing up like a female dwarf is something that you could do to try to like trick this just as humans as well go ahead and roll deception to see how good a disguise this is then oh that's a five it's not a great well you have a plus five on this though and with a 10 you can see the humans kind of looking at you like and the dwarf is looking at you with a smile right now he seems like he's nodding and they're approaching and approaching him. They say, we don't recognize you.
Have you been traveling with Resmere's band, is what they say, for a long time? Yeah, yeah, my whole life. Well, really, really, that long? Oh, interesting.
Roll one more time. So far, they kind of aren't seeing through your disguise, but this is 17, 17 on that.

You are absolutely,

they are eating this up right now.

And they say,

wait years.

That means you must be in Resmere's inner circle.

She must know you very well.

Are you,

you mean the boss lady?

She's a big fan of yours.

I've been in her circle once or twice.

Oh,

that's okay.

Fantastic.

You can see that the dwarf is hoping to schmooze with you more in order to kind of like get a promotion by getting to know you better. But right now, they'll believe anything you tell them.
If you need to scamper away from them right now, they'll believe any excuse you give them. What would you like to tell them? So I would like to tell them follow me around this corner where they can't see the rest of my troop that's trying to get in.
Would you like all three of them and the kobold to follow or only some of them i feel like all three right yeah i want to give you guys like a wide opening to this man cave absolutely you get all four of these individuals to kind of like follow you a little bit and the rest of your friends are therefore able to sprint by no problem wayne well done and that will bring us to norm the barbarian while this distraction is While this distraction is going on, Norm, you can run for the cave entrance if you want. I'm ready for it.
By the way, before I do my turn, Tim, do you lift? Because your arms are looking kind of good, dude. I've been stuck inside for a while, so I have been doing some...
I noticed. Trying to get whatever working out I can do.
Your biceps are looking fucking sweet. Appreciate it.
Thanks so much. Okay, that was just outside the game.
Strength is my dunk stat, so I'll take it. Thank you.
I noticed. You know what they should do? They should make weighted dice, like huge 20-side dice so you can, yeah, as you practice.
My rolling hand is a strong one for sure. Alright, so I'm going to bum rush it, right? I've got to get in there.
So if you sprint for the cave entrance right now, you should be able to attack that guard without anybody seeing you thanks to the distraction provided by the wind. Okay.
So if you charge this guard, you can see he's wearing this dragon mask carved of wood, and as soon as he starts to register an enemy rushing at him, he's immediately spinning his blades over to you. He looks like a ninja almost in action, and it looks like he might be tough to take down, but you could swing, or you could swing and go reckless and get advantage on the attack.
I'm going to let Billy talk. You got to be careful.
Your health is extremely low. All right, forget that, Billy.
Don't talk anymore. Nope, nope.
Billy's done talking. I'm going to go reckless on this bitch.
Absolutely. You get to roll two D20s instead of one.
All right here we go 20! Nice! You didn't even need to go reckless You got the critical hit And I know that based on the damage you deal Which would be four of these d6s Plus another five for raging You are insta-killing He tries to do a flip through the air And you just hold up your your sword. He lands upon it, and then you just shake your sword around, slashing him up.
Dude, oh, Billy, how fucking jealous are you of what I just did? You would never be able to do that. I just instant killed that dude.
I hope Norm dies. Okay.
Yes! Now, at this point, Norm, you have absolutely obliterated this dragon man guard, this ninja dragon guard, and you are seeing that he is falling dead to the ground. Unfortunately, you have gone reckless, and you did not see that from around a pillar, another one of these guards is stepping out, and he saw you take out his friend, but now he's leaping out trying to take advantage of your...
He is getting a 21 on his attack, which is going to hit your armor class, and then with his second attack, luckily that one is a miss. So he manages to get you with one of his swords for another...
It's going to be 8 points of damage. Norm, you only take 4 points of damage because you are raging, so you still have a smidgen of hit points left for sure, but you've taken a lot of damage during the fight.
That's fine right now so i mean is there a way that we can get his health back up like eating these eggs maybe certainly i would say that as we come back to the wizard's turn one thing that the wizard would have come equipped with was one healing potion and in theory if you wanted to run over and try to deliver to norm a healing potion, you could. Or you could launch a powerful spell attack to try to take out the guard that he is messing with right now.
I'm a team player. Give him some nano bubbles.
Some Russell Wilson water. Mr.
Unlimited? Yeah. There we go.
Love it. You're giving him the healing potions? Is that right? Absolutely.
Then I will let you know that you have just healed him. Let's see how much this is going to be total.
You have just healed him for seven points of damage. Norm is back up to about nine hit points at least now.
So he's got that going from glug glug glug. And you've used your action to kind of like baby bottle this to him a little bit.
You said it to him. I just want it on the record because people can't see all of this going on in the room.
Billy is absolutely beside himself that I am back alive just fucking people up and he's a little bitch that's dead. This is Billy's skull that we have on the table.
Absolutely. And that would bring us from the wizard's turn.
Cake the wizard. That would bring us to Ehrlich now.
Ehrlich, luckily you almost got caught, but then Wayne managed to distract the people who are approaching you. What would you like to do? You can run for the cave now and try to do something against this other dragon guard who is here, or you could try to do something else.
You could even try to convince, talk to this guard if you wanted to. No, just take out the guard.
If we've got a good teamwork going,

we're all doing our job. I'm just going to roll

a nice 10 plus. Sure, you launch that

blast at this guard.

Ooh, how do we do on this, Hank?

Not good, Hank. It's a 1.

It's a 1! I am sorry to say, Hank, I'm going to need

you to roll one more time because

right next to this guard,

Norm the Barbarian

had been standing. We need to see if with that

one, you might have hit Norm

instead of the Dragon Fang.

10. 10 with a 10?

That is not quite enough

even with your bonus, because

his armor class is 15, and you just got a

14 total. Oh, so I didn't, so no friendly

fire. No friendly fire in this

particular case. Congratulations.

Love it. Tim, are there certain D&D

players that are better at rolling dice?

You know what? Sometimes people are hot

Thank you. You did not.
No friendly fire in this particular case. Congratulations.
Love it. Tim, are there certain D&D players that are better at rolling dice? You know what? Sometimes people are hot on the dice one day, and then it can be a streak of bad luck, unfortunately.
Sometimes everyone has some lucky days and some bad days in my experience. But the luck of the draw is how it goes.
Wayne, that would bring us to you next. Now, Wayne, just before you go, I would want to let you know you see Norm fighting what appears to be the last of these ninja dragon guards.
But you can also see at the command tent, it appears like the flap is moving. Like as we've been making a little bit of noise, the command tent is the one closest to the cave.
Somebody is moving around in there like any moment they might look out the tent and try to see what we're up to okay and i'm already i'm currently distracting these what four people you're distracting four people right now so you see all this happening in the distance but they do not see what's happening okay but if i get into the cave then they won't see anything going on in the cave right uh yes that's true yeah all right so i feel like i i gotta leave my four people I don't know, maybe I teach them, I tell them a joke so funny they keep laughing. Go ahead and roll a performance check if that's what you want to do.
Because right now they want to hear all about Resmir and you could try to lie and make that up. But performing would probably be a better bet.
Yeah, I'll perform some. It's a 10.
It's a 10. They already like you a lot.
So roll one more time on that. You have advantage.
A 12. A 12 plus 5 is a 17.
The dwarf is loving it, but you can tell he's just trying to schmooze up to you right now. The humans are really appreciating the joke.
The kobold doesn't get it exactly, but he's not someone we're worried about. You are able to distract all four of these individuals now.
Well done. Okay.
All right. So now I think I want i want to go into the cave give them backup if they need it absolutely you can run into the cave and now you can see we're still fighting the one dragon guard you could use your bonus action if you want to to inspire somebody now at this point you can give inspiration to norm or somebody else okay i'm gonna fuck him up i can i can i like this is more of a cake thing but i i would like to write a puff piece about him that he could read his own press clippings and be like yeah i really can do this like i write a really nice article about how much time uh that big cat's been putting into his work and he's gotten stronger and in the best shape of his life this off season something like that you start shouting out to norm you've been putting in so much believe in you.
Love it. And he feels inspired.
That means if Norm gets close but no cigar on his next hit, he can add bardic inspiration to his role to pump that up a little bit. Love it.
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And now, more Dungeons & Dragons. And that'll bring us to Norm's turn then.
Fuck him up, Norm. I'm gonna fuck him up.
You know that. You don't even have

to ask me, Tim. Are you still

going reckless? Gonna fuck him up. Yeah.

Absolutely. You continue to go reckless?

Swing with advantage. I'd just go reckless

every single time if you want. Dude.

I mean, I'm a boss.

Unlimited. Yeah.
I'm a

Mr. Unlimited.
I am literally Mr. Unlimited.

Alright, here we go.

14. Oh, I get two.
13. 13.
You're going to take the 14, and with your bonus of plus five, that is going to be a solid hit against this guard, and your damage against this Dragon Fang guard is going to be a total of 10 points. That is enough to take the guard down just barely.
You slay this guard, and now you can see a tunnel leading deeper in. Now, Norm, you can use your move to start running down that tunnel if you want.
What do you think? I should start running to let you guys know what's up? Yeah, yeah. Just run ahead.
Run, or you could make a perception check if you want to look and scout ahead. I'm not really a perception guy.
I'm just going to go for it. I wouldn't trust your perception.
Running all the way through into the tunnel. Just keep going.
I'm going to go for it. I'm going to go for it.
Absolutely. As you charge in, you can see this kind of cliff drop-off.
It doesn't seem like there's any more guards here. You can see a cliff drop-off that goes 10 feet down into what appears to be a big forest of mushrooms and other fungi down here.
It looks like there has just been mold growing all over the walls, draping down from the ceiling, and all kinds of weird fungus are growing in this cavern. It looks like you could get to the other side and climb up the other side of this kind of fungus pit, but you're not sure.
Would you want to jump down or try to climb down right now? This seems like a level in hot lava. I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do. You could try to climb down, jump down, or look around now at this point.
Now you've gone down just a little bit. I'll go down.
I'll climb down. I'll climb down.
You start to climb down. Go ahead and roll a d20 with advantage because you are raging to see how well you climb down.
18. There we go.
Already doing great. You might get a critical hit if you roll again, but...
Yeah, if you get a critical hit... 20!

With a critical hit, you start to climb down,

but when you're halfway down, you start to notice

something in the fungus forest is reacting to your movement.

Something is starting to move around,

and you think it's the mushrooms themselves.

There are some fungi here that are starting to grow creepy little tendrils,

and they're slithering towards you.

I'm sorry. and you think it's the mushrooms themselves.
There are some fungi here that are starting to grow creepy little tendrils,

and they're slithering towards you, these tentacles.

Now, you could, with that critical hit, climb back up real quick,

and you'd be back up on the cliff.

Is he high from just being around the mushrooms?

He's hallucinating this?

Doesn't seem like there are spores in the air,

but they haven't affected you yet.

So, yet.

You guys are going to come join me, though, right? Yeah, totally. Absolutely.
Wait, so what am I asking? I can just go down? You can continue to climb down and then you'll be among these mushrooms and their creepy tentacles. Or you can climb back up because you got a critical hit.
You spotted this in time. All right, I'll go back up.
I'll go back up and wait for my crew. And now you can't reach down to hit these mushrooms but you could throw like javelins yeah let me throw a couple of those turn totally you see them start to like like zombies just start uprooting themselves and slowly they're marching towards you these big purple mushrooms walking like little adorable people kind of whoa and uh then at that point the people still at the cave Vent entrance start to notice the flap of the command tent flap out.
And for just a moment, a hooded figure looks out. And it's very much like kind of a Dark Lord Palpatine vibes we're getting.
There's definitely like a hooded figure in there who, for just a moment, puts out a clawed hand, puts the flap out and then pulls the flap back like they're trying to hide themselves. And they're loudly shouting at some people in the room who are scurrying out.
And for just a moment, everyone at the cave entrance is seeing this flash of light inside that tent that illuminates the person we saw and the other people running around in there, but also a big slab, maybe, like a table that's slightly on an angle, and there seems to be somebody rising up from off of that slab maybe, or table, in the command tent. Sounds like the blue injury tent on a sideline.
Whoa. We've got somebody that to work on.
And somebody's walking towards the entrance. Got it.
And that was Norm's turn. We're back to the wizard's turn now.
Let's go, Jakey. What would you like to do? You've seen this all happen at the command tent, but you've also seen Norm rushing ahead down into the cave where the fungal forest is.
Yeah, so we can't leave him hanging, right? Might want to need to rush in to help him for sure. Jake.
Then it'll be two. You're my boy.
Yeah. I just want to say, my life has, like, the improvement in my life switching you for Billy has been incredible.
Billy's on Snapchat right now. No problem.
Yeah, okay. So am I rolling? Absolutely.
So you can get down to where the barbarian is. You see he just climbed up from the cliff and is pointing down at these violet fungi, these purple mushrooms who are marching towards you.

You've got a couple of options here.

You could try to do a spell that would hit all of these enemies.

The two spells I can think of that would hit all of them are either Thunder Wave, that

blast that hits a bunch of people and throws them back, or your Burning Hand spell.

Just like Hank and Ehrlich, you have a Burning Hand spell that is a cone that hits lots of people. Yeah, I would love to do that.
That's a great one. Absolutely.
I will go ahead and roll saving throws that represent for all the fungi. That is not quite enough, and so you are going to get to deal 3d6 damage of fire damage to all these fungi.
All four of the mushrooms as they come slithering up, they're reaching their tendrils weakly up towards you and you just give a blast of fire down to them. It hits all four of them and incinerates them instantly.
Congratulations. Well done.
Thanks for coming out. Can I just time out real quick? Are we just like the best players ever? You are mowing through these enemies right now.
We're just crushing everyone. Damn.
Love it. Good job, guys.
And Wayne, that was a great turn for cake. Wayne, what would you like to do now? All right, so if I'm to understand this.
Sorry, my mistake. Ehrlich is up now.
Yeah, absolutely. So, Ehrlich, you just saw all the mushrooms up ahead get incinerated, but back at the command tent, something is definitely happening.
You know that, too. But if the mushrooms are gone now, can't we go back down and go forward? Absolutely.
You should be able to climb down no problem into the fungal forest. Or do we want to take out the people in the tent just so we're safe? It looks like somebody is heading our way, maybe.
What do you guys think? Because we don't want to go down into the mushroom forest and then get trapped, you know, held by the mysterious figure. I mean, I hate to quit harping on the fact that these are mushrooms, but since we just lit them on fire, can we breathe in their fumes? You can attempt to, certainly, yes.
I'm kind of with, I'm on PFTs, I'm with PFT, let's go see if we can get some residual contact high. Go ahead and roll, this will be a constitution saving throw.
Did you get a one? I got a three. A three! Very exciting results.
It's always a little fun when somebody's getting crazy rolls. But unfortunately, right now, you are inhaling poison that is causing you to take a total of just one point of poison damage.
Could have been a lot worse than that. I mean, just kidding.
Just one point of poison damage. Love that.
So, uh, you've still got a good number of hit points left. Uh, just one point of poison damage for that.
I would say that was just part of your move. If you wanted to go further through the fungi cave now, you could if you wanted to.
Come on, Hank. Yes, we do.
Or you could do something else. Let's go, Hank.
Go ahead and roll at the athletics check to climb down. Eleven.
Eleven. There we go.
And then you climb up the other side of the fungi cave,

and now you are in the next room,

which appears to split in two different directions.

One is a staircase that leads down to the right,

and then one is a tunnel that goes to the left,

and from the left tunnel you hear growling

or even maybe barking of some kind coming from that direction, from the stairs to the stairs to the right like a dog not a dragon like a dog maybe but at the same time there's something growling and maybe draconic about it like a weird mix of some kind and you know what you can roll a knowledge check right now on that to see if you recognize what this is 18 18 you recall that when we were the castle, the cultists had things called drakes, which are like mini dragons without wings. You think you are hearing many drakes growling to the left, whereas the stairs to the right go down.
Okay. Absolutely.
And then, Hank, that's your move getting across there. Love it.
And we will see what you do on your next turn. But then, Wayne...
We gotta kill the drakes, BFT. Yeah.
I gotta kill the Drakes. Yeah.
I hate these Drakes. I hate them.
I hate them so much. Like a multi-track Drake is what you're telling me.
Absolutely. I want to go down.
I want to follow Hank into his path. Go ahead and just roll the climb check to make sure you didn't fall while climbing down to or through the phone guy.
Okay. Alright.
Oh no, it's a two. It's a two.
Right now you are falling a little bit and having trouble climbing back out. You just take one point of damage as you slip from the rocks, take a tumble, hit the ground, but try one more time to climb back out now.
17. 17! You climb out the other side, no problem, after one point of damage.
And you get to the other side, you can hear now the drakes to the left and then stairs down to the right. Which way would you like to go? I would like to go to the left.
Absolutely. And so I'm already dressed up as a woman, right? Absolutely.
And as a female dwarvish cultist. I'm small, so the drakes should be very attracted to me.
Absolutely. You're certainly dressed, it seems, like one of the cultists, so they should be maybe listening to you.
And what you're seeing is that there is a staircase leading down, and there is some kind of a big cage walling off both the staircase and kind of this cliff that's looking down, almost kind of like a batting rink type situation. It's like they didn't, or a zoo would be the better metaphor, because you're noticing that down in this pit where the drakes can't leap out, there are no fewer than five big blue-scale drakes prowling around, and the moment they register you, they start barking and howling.
Oh, yeah, they're horny. That's the hatchery.
It's the drake hatchery. There's another tunnel to the left that's going further down, and now you can hear yapping voices.
It sounds like kobolds have become alerted now that the drakes are growling and roaring. So as I understand it, my character is not good at, like, just straight up violence, right? I don't think I'd stand much of a chance against the five drakes.
No, not really, no. I got you back, I'm coming next.
Can I light the room on fire or something like that? Can I, like, throw my mixtape in there? In theory, you don't don't have like a big fire blast spell like the wizard might have but in your best, you could make one of the drakes certainly start laughing hysterically and that would take one of them out of the fight you would also be able to try the sleep spell I know you would have the sleep spell to try to put a certain number of drakes to sleep but those would be your best options against lots of enemies I feel like's my best option at this point, right? Because I have no interest in going to see a bunch of kobolds. Like, we've already seen that.
Absolutely. Further down there.
Sounds like they're going to come rushing up to where the Drakes are, almost like they have the keys to unlock the Drake's cage, maybe, though. Okay.
Huh. I feel like I put some to sleep.
There's also a chance, let's just talk this out, there's also a chance, like, I've been dominant in this game thus far, there's a chance I show up and all the Drakes just start rooting for me. That's also true.
Right. So we might flip it on their head that way.
You could set it up so that you start being, like, the hype man announcer for Norm when he arrives and give him advantage for his intimidate check when he comes rushing in to get these Drakes on his side. I'll be like the two-time defending champion of Dungeons and Dragons.
It's Norm the Barbarian. Norm can't be stopped.
Absolutely. Can I throw a bunch of Norm hats and jackets down to the Drakes so they can put that on because they're like, yeah, I love that guy.
The Drakes start to see the Norm merch landing around and they're looking at it and start growling and grabbing bits of it and tearing it up. But when he arrives, he's going to have advantage because he'll look at the face of Norm on the merch and he'll be looking up at it.
Love it. Then, Norm, when we come to your turn, you have advantage if you want to try to use your move to run in.
First, just, oh, you had gotten across, well, yeah, roll once to get across the pit in theory to make sure you're doing that. Four.
Four, but you have advantage on this because it's athletics and you're raging, so do roll one more time. Okay.
Big roll here. Five.
Five. Uh-oh.
But you have a plus five on this, so a ten is just barely enough, actually. Okay.
So you just barely make it in time, you run over, and with your action now, you could try to intimidate these drakes. You have a plus four on that and now you're rolling two times thanks to you.
20! And with the natural 20 they just look at the Normers they look up at you and they start just howling out to you Norm. It looks like if you can get this cage door open these drakes would want to fight for you.
They kind of think

you're a cultist right now

so this isn't that big of a betrayal for them.

Are the drakes, are they standing

up out of their chairs and clapping wearing stupid

sweaters? Absolutely, they're like putting their paws

up on the wall for sure.

Okay, alright.

Now at the end of your

turn, Norm, that is when we were at the bottom of

initiative and at this point none of us can see the command tent anymore because we've rushed pretty far into this tunnel. But we do all see someone coming climbing out of the fungi pit as though they have been following us.
And it looks like an armored figure in a black version of a familiar mask with two horns on either side of it. It's bigger.
It's bigger than ever. Almost like they rose off of a slab in the command tent and you can see stitches all over their body as though a body which had been hacked to pieces has been stitched back together in some kind of zombified form.
But what you are seeing is definitely no zombie because you are seeing where their head is behind the mask. There are flames rising up.
Ghost Rider style. You think a skull is all that is beneath the skin.
It's Mountain Bill. It's the cage.
They've turned him into the mountains. Shit.
That's the riot's music. And Billy, as you hear in your mind the voice of whoever Resmir is, the mysterious leader of this group of the cult, you hear Resmir's voice in your mind saying, do it.
Do it now. And Billy, I would like you to charge at Norm, please.
Tim, I'm going to say this right now, dude. That was the most electric thing ever i am like buzzing right now we had some tweets where it was like vader coming off the plane and i was like well don't spoil it everybody but some people did call it for sure and billy i'm going to be coaching you through your turn but i would highly advise that you use your two attack option right now.
And start with a guiding strike, please. You will receive a plus 10 to your roll on the first strike, Billy.
So if you could take a d20 roll, you're going to be rolling with a plus 14 on this first roll. Resmir, your wishes, my...
All right. Shit.
16. 16 is absolutely a hit with a 30 total.
I would like you to please roll a D8. I'll roll for you this D8 plus...
So, so far, that's seven points of damage, which only becomes three against the raging barbarians. So Norm has six left.
And Resmere says, you must do it now with this second strike. I am counting on you.
You're a bitch. You can't do it.
You're a bitch. Twenty! Oh, no.
Good. Good.
That's the lion's music, baby. And with a total of nine points of damage becomes four damage against Norm.
Norm, you had six HP left. You still have two left.
Norm is still standing. Resmir says, you have failed me for the last time.
You will finish him on your next turn. Come at the game, you best not miss.
No, you'll have another turn. Those are your action and bonus action strike now, so you will get another turn after Norm's next turn.
Well, we should do, I think we have one, let's go one more round and end with Billy. Perfect.
That will be great because someone I imagine is going to be going down at that point. So, Wizard, you have just seen Cake the Wizard.
I need some help, guys. It seems like this old rival has returned once more.
What would you like to do? Can we cast a soy spell on him? Can we just throw a bunch of soy at him? Yeah, he loves soy. I don't know.
I would like to do anything to attack this monster. Now, I would say you absolutely could turn upon Billy and launch, you know, one of your cantrip spells would be like Firebolt or Ray of Frost.
Your most powerful attack spell might be maybe a, let's see, not Thunder Wave, but you would have certainly Magic Missile would be your most reliable strike. But your best risky attack would be Chromatic Orb.
That deals more damage, but it might miss completely. Now, I want to say that's your most powerful attack spell.
Chromatic Orb, you charge it up and hopefully hit. Magic Missile doesn't do as much damage, but it never misses.
It's three missiles that always home in and do a little bit of damage. Otherwise, I would also say you have the ability to try to use your Mage Hand cantrip to try to pick the lock on that cage and release the drakes.
Any of those would be good ideas. I mean, there's no other choice but to go for it all and use the magic orb or whatever.
The chromatic orb?

Yeah, the chromatic orb, so you're going all out. So you get to choose an element now.
You get to choose fire, cold, poison, acid, lightning, or thunder are your choices. All of these should be pretty good against Berserker Billy, I'll tell you right now.
So it's not so much an important choice as is aesthetics. Seeing a thing of lightning just hit Billy and make him explode.

Yes, that's a great call.

Absolutely.

So you see a charge up an orb of lightning,

and you're going to throw it at Berserker Billy.

Roll a very important d20 roll, plus five now.

Thirteen.

All right, all right.

Plus five is 18, and Billy's armor class, as I recall, is 16. So you are hitting him, and you get to deal all of this damage now.
Oh, it's 16 so far. And then another 2 is 18 damage.
Berserker Billy is already down to 2 hit points left. Son of a dick, Billy.
You're at 2.2. I don't care.
I got a crew with me. Well done, Cake the Wizard.
Dude, you realize that Cake just kicked your ass? Think about that for a second, Billy. Cake just kicked your ass.
Resmir saved me. Resmir is saying nothing into your mind right now, Rezirker Billy.
Resmir wants to disown you right now. Resmir's like, fuck you.
I have no son. That would bring us to Ehrlich's turn next.
You could do an Eldritch Blast. You also have Burning Hands, same as the Wizard does, whichever you would like to do.
Let me e-blast him. Absolutely.
E-blast him. Step back to freedom, blast off in his face.
Yes. That went so bad.
13. 13 plus your four is a 17.

That is a hit against Berserker Billy.

And you are going to be dealing the last damage against him.

Six points of damage.

Take a bow, Berserker Billy.

And you had been the one to kill him last time also, as I recall.

So, yes, you just took him down and he falls to the ground.

And you see the flames burn out on his head. You still have a move and a bonus action.
I just enjoy it. Can I just roll a nostalgia roll? Yeah, just like a dance on his grave, literally.
Roll a d20 to dance upon his body. 10.
10? You are managing to climb upon him and like the flames of your patron are burning in your hands and his corpse just starts to burn beneath your feet as you call upon your infernal power. I love the idea that we're just going to be traveling this mystical world and like every like three miles just a different form of Billy shows up.
We just kill him again. Each villain will bring back Berserker Billy in a different way, I think.
Just keep killing his ass. Can I play Let the Bodies Hit the Floor as my move? And then we'll all just fucking rock out.
Certainly. Roll a performance check right now.
Love it. Absolutely not.
it's only three three

you are doing a pretty

the dogs

the drakes start

howling along with you

but they are not

singing in harmony

with you unfortunately

it's just making

a lot more noise

than you wanted

classic drake yeah

it's kind of like

it becomes who let the dogs out

after a certain point

the song just transitions

okay

and at this point

I will have

Berserker Billy

just roll

oh wait it's my turn

oh right

what would you like to do

I would like to

if we could

I don't know if this exists in Dungeons & Dragons, but I would love to pull up Instagram of just dragon dumpers and just take a look at some fat dragon asses. All the boys can huddle around.
Because it's Billy's favorite thing. Absolutely.
I'll let you give this a roll. I know it will happen if you do well on this one.
It's a nine. It's a nine roll one more time.
One more time for your victory here. Thirteen.
This is a great party. With a thirteen, as you start to, you pull out a book that has a bunch of draconic images in it.
You're just like flipping through artwork of great dragons and you pull out the centerfold and you You look at a really good dragon. Double tap.
And you are remembering one very important fact. As you see a dragon kind of sitting on its nest, you realize that you're not seeing any eggs among the drakes.
But you start to remember there is one other creature that this cult loves that does lay eggs. And you start to think that this is the kind of cave where a dragon might lay eggs.
And since there are no drake eggs in this hatchery, you're starting to put two and two together with this role and realize that somewhere in this cave, a dragon has laid its eggs, and the cultists are protecting it. That's a perfect ending! Oh my god! Next time is realizing that we have a chance to maybe get our hands on the biggest.
I love it. Oh, Tim, you're the best man.
Thank you so much. As always, for sure.
I fucking love football and I fucking love you guys. Billy, do you have any thoughts?

Jake, I'm sorry to make fun of you for your injury.

It's probably very unfortunate, and I wouldn't want to wish bad juju on anybody.

That's what this is about.

The bad juju is on you, dude.

You're concerned that it's going to come back and get you.

You're not apologizing because it's the right thing to do.

Now you're thinking the injury gods are frowning on me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Thank you.

It is a real injury.

But I'll be okay.

You shouldn't have been doing anything athletic in the first place.

Billy.

Billy.

The ping pong table is right there.

I'll play you on one foot.

Let's go.

I'm a three-time

tennis club champion.

Darren Revell

wouldn't have used crutches.

Oh,

no.

Oh. I'm going to play my way You're all the things I've got to remember In the shining light I'll be coming for you anyway In the shining light I'll be coming for you anyway.
You're shining away. I'll be coming for you anyway.
Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath.
Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath.
I'll break it down. It's Pardon My Take presented by Barstool Sports.