Creed Bratton, Slim Melo And Mt Rushmore Of Things That Happened Since Sports Were Cancelled

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, we have Creed Bratton. Very interesting guest.
You know him from The Office. You probably don't know him from his music career.
And tells some awesome stories about doing acid in San Francisco in the late 60s. We have Hot Seat, Cool Throne.
We have the Mount Rushmore of things that happened during quarantine or since sports have been canceled. Because we will have sports back on Thursday night.
This is not one that I would have liked to do a month ago. Correct.
And it would just make me sad and thinking about all the things that could be happening but now that it's sports eve finish line let's do it finish line so and then we have guys on chicks we got a pack show for you on wednesday we're gonna get right back to the show hey it's dennis quaid here there's a pressing issue that still needs attention the state of our retirement savings we're're dealing with $36 trillion in debt,

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All right, back to part of my take. Okay, let's go.
Boy! Boy! Now in the street there is violence And then a lot of stuff work will be done No place to hang, a lot of washing And then I can't play all on the sun Oh no We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue It's Pardon My Take, presented by Barstool Sports Welcome to Pardon My Take, presented by the Cash App Go download it right now, use code BARSTOOL. You get $10 for free, $10 to ASPCA.
Today is Wednesday, July 22nd. And the next time you hear our voices, we'll be talking about real live sports, baby.
Let me be the first to wish you all a very merry sports eve. I'm so excited.
I am so excited for sports. i don't know about you but just even recording sunday night show when it's like sports are coming back i that's that's like a natural cocaine that i've got in my system right now i also am realizing now that this is when hank always laughs at us how uh like starting around august 1st we do like 16 different shows that say football is back yeah this is our second straight show of saying sports are back without sports actually being back.
Well, it is Sports Eve. Yeah, but it's not back, but it is.
I feel like this counts. And the irony in all this is if this were last year or the year before, usually mid to late July, that's when we're coming on the show and we're like, well, there was some regular season baseball yesterday.
Not a lot to get into. So let's dive into guys on chicks.
Now it's like, holy shit, sports are almost back. I would kill an elephant with my bare hands just to have one interleague baseball game going on.
And we're going to get some baseball on Thursday night. We're going to stay in the studio, watch the game.
We'll record after the game. So we'll have a real breakdown of actual sports.
So before we get to that, we still have two more days to get through, and we have the NBA bubble has been debuted. Was that the right word? It's just basically been a bunch of people.
The journalists who are loud in the bubble now get the primo content, and they're like, look at what the court looks like, and everyone's like, a basketball court it was not a debut it was first look first when you had when you put out the video you had to title it first look nba court it's surrounded by jumbotrons on all sides you might even call it a great wall yep that's around the court uh i just like interesting i just like seeing dactronics everywhere that just makes me feel better it has, I think, so depending on what team is technically home, they're going to have the home team's graphics because I saw it looked like a heat-themed court, so that was when they're going to be home. The whole thing is going to be crazy.
I actually think it's not going to be that weird to start but once we get into like

the conference finals it's going to be fucking bizarre to have like games go on with no fans

and just like big big moments happen to you know 20 people in the in the room basically brian

winhorse and the bench players cheering so uh i do i am a little jealous of the people who are

in the bubble just because they do get all these scoops and they get to be like new bubble scoop

and I'm going to jealous of the people who are in the bubble just because they do get all these scoops and they get to be like, new bubble scoop. Everything is a story in the bubble.
Myers Leonard chugged a beer. That's a story.
Dwight Howard doesn't think vaccines are real. That's a story.
Jimmy Butler got the cops called on him because he was dribbling the ball in his hotel room at 1 a.m. That's a story right there's caught fish players caught fish players with the spurs went on a boat that's a story we're so we are craving sports content so much that they are just sitting on a gold mine of stories you got to think that there's we should actually do a quick list who's most mad that they're not uh getting these stories i mean ravelle's number one ravelle yeah first look he also should be there stepped in.
It's made by tweeting out a wood meme. Did you see that? He deleted it right away.
I saw that. So that's what we said on this show a couple weeks ago.
About a girl? No, we said that that wood, the meme guys, should be in the stands as a cardboard cutout and somebody sent him a Photoshop of wood in the stands. He was like, this looks real.
And I'm something i'm gonna do something i rarely do i'm gonna actually defend ravelle because i i screenshotted it when he did it then he deleted it then i tweeted it and he's he wrote uh glad you got it and people assumed ravelle was saying that he knew the joke and he was in on the joke no he was saying i'm glad i screenshotted it he did not see it he fucked up no because he would not have deleted it if he had done that on purpose. Although that would be like a next level thing right there is to tweet it out, then delete it knowing that you would get more eyes on it.
The Streisand effect. Yes.
That is beyond Darren Revelle's scope of imagination. He doesn't have object permanence.
He's like a dog when you had a tennis ball behind your back. Shefty, definitely mad he's not in the bubble getting these scoops.
Yep. Is Windhorse in the bubble? I mean, Woj.
Woj, yeah. But Woj is...
You know what? The first look is beneath Woj to tweet that out. I know who number one is.
It's Wob. Oh, yeah.
Wob is definitely upset that he's not in the bubble getting these because this is just primo content. You know what? I wouldn't be surprised, though, if Woj, when he comes back, he has a time-stamped, notarized public, notary public stamped, I had these scoops before everyone else.
This is the time that I had this scoop. Oh, yeah, everyone else.
He's just been collecting scoops. Woj probably has a list of every player's name and what they're going to have on the back of their jersey ready to go that he's had notarized.
You know what I was thinking about earlier today? it would be so LeBron if he came out with a James Sr. on the back of his jersey father of three yeah if he did just a little update to his jersey or just father of three very tasteful yeah father of and then Roman numerals probably I I I yes because he's all about me what else what else do we have Dr.
Fauci is throwing out the first pitch on Thursday night he better not bounce it yeah bounce it yeah he's he's in good shape he's in good shape but he's he's up there in age he's not the not the tallest guy trump's gonna be in the dugout just banging a trash can they said he was a die hard nationals fan but i don't know like some more junk from fauci can you be a die hard nationals fan he's from new york yes we can there are dozens of us h We're like the never new, but it's such a new team. Uh, well, it's been around for 14 years, 15 years ish.
Right. So he was like 60.
He could have been an Expos fan before. You never know.
He probably was a senators. He was probably a senators fan back in the day before it moved to Texas and to Minnesota.
He's, he's just happy that sports are back. I think Dr.
Fauci, at least when Dr. Fauci is throwing out the first pitch, he can't be saying that football can't happen.
For those like 30 seconds. Or if he does, you won't be able to see his lips move because he'll be wearing a mask.
Right. So that'll be good.
Did you say that Fauci was a senator? No, a senator's fan. Okay, a senator's fan.
Gotcha. I was going to have to fact check that.
Okay, so yeah, that's pretty much all we we got. We had Sports Eve Eve.
NFL's figuring it out. NFL is figuring it out.
I think everyone sat down and was like, this is stupid. Like, we can't be the – NFL's going to happen.
Again, they're the one league that can't even pretend that they care about player safety. So just fucking play.
And there a little silver lining behind this which is if indeed college sports don't happen and again we're all very much rooting for it to happen if it's safe if there's no college football on saturdays they're probably going to play a lot of nfl games on saturdays in which case if you're the falcons you have to play every home game so that you can serve that chick-fil-a out of the stadium that would be a big big plus for them um all right so let's get to hot seat cool throw and then we'll get to Creed Bratton Nashville get ready for one of the biggest parties of the summer in Music City Barstool Nashville is hosting the Summerfest block party on Friday May 16th and Saturday May 17th outside of Barstool Nashville on 2nd Ave South we're closing down the street and putting up a huge music festival stage for a star-studded lineup of artists, which includes Galantis, Loud Luxury, Young Gravy, Cameron Whitcomb, Josh Roche, Shailen, Chandler Walters, and Dylan Schneider. And the two-day event is hosted by me, Brianna Chicken Fry, and Out and About's Joey and Pat.
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Hank, why don't you kick us off? Billy, do you have a hot seat, Cool Throne? Yep. All right, cool.
So we'll be ready for yours. My hot seat is the Marlins.
They're just taking ricochet shots pretty much every night. Every time they ask players, like, what's it like to play in front of no fans? Everyone's just like, well, it's like playing in Miami.
Hey, have you heard about this? It shouldn't be too much of a change for the Chargers. Right.
Chargers canceled all season ticket holders this past week. They called those three people.
And that was the Colbert Report. Altuve and Alex Bregman, they might have thought they got away with it after everyone hopefully forgot about the whole cheating scandal.
They both got hit consecutively today. So they were kind of just fucked.
Good. Yes.
Good. I'm fine with that.
They're fine, right? They didn't get severely injured? No, we don't. Good.
Okay, I'm fine with it. Yeah.
I just want them to be waking up extremely sore every morning. Is that bad for me to wish that as a sports fan? No.
I just want them to be mildly inconvenienced by like 88 mile an hour fastballs. My cool throne is live sports.
So you guys might think, you know, we said sports coming back in two days, but they're actually back today, Wednesday. Oh.
It's not going to be basketball. It's not going to be baseball.
It's not going to be football. It's going to be Jenga.
Oh. We're live streaming it.
We're doing a giveaway. We put the Not A Drug Guy shirts on sale.
We're going to be giving away 10 Not A Drug Guy shirts. People, if they can guess the...
So it's going to be PFT and Kate from Barstool. And then first Nick and KB, who are Big Cat's...
Also from Barstool. Yeah, they work with Big Cat and the Yak.
I don't know how you would describe them to someone that doesn't know them. You just say them.
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Smart. Yeah, you just don't.
They're going at it. Two on two, Jenga.
330, PMT Twitch. If you can guess the team that wins and then the person that picks the losing block and how many total blocks, you will win a Not a Drug Guy t-shirt.
Whoa. Okay.
330, Big Cat will be on the call. Jake Marsh, Jeff D.
Lowe, part of my take twitch. By the way, I just realized, like, how offensive is it that we keep talking about sports being back? And MLS has been back for, like, two weeks.
They get no respect. And I'm fine with that.
Their tournament is called the MLS is Back tournament. Yeah, they're trying to make us say MLS is back.
They're even playing games at, like, 9 a.m. Yeah.
And I still haven't watched them. You know what? I've watched a couple of them.
It's exactly what you think it would be. There's nobody in the stands.
Not for me. It's like a Chargers game out there.
Did you hear about the season ticket holders? Did you hear about the season ticket holders? They cancelled the season tickets this week. Oh really? Both of them? Yep.
And tune in next week for Late Night with Katie Nolan.

Go ahead, PFD.

My hot seat, I got two of them. One is professionalism

because the Dallas Stars

have announced that they're not going to be wearing suits

in the hockey bubble.

They're going to be showing up wearing...

They're going to be looking Daniel Jones chic,

which is wearing like a Brooks Brothers shirt and nice jeans. jeans speaking of booties did you see daniel daniel jones booty he's got a nice ass how many zucks a nice ass uh probably two and a half zucks that's like the zuck zuck 7 000 okay daniel jones got got a nice booty i have not seen it but uh yeah booty watch you know what real swag is no swag and that if you really work out and if you're a student of the game and student of the weight room, you probably have a big ass and might not have the popcorn muscles like the bench press muscles.
Yeah. So my other hot seat, actually, that's my only hot seat because Hank stole my other one.
My cool throne is glory holes. Oh, I saw that.
So I believe this is the government of Toronto is saying they're encouraging glory hole use to encourage social distancing.

So you don't get any like respiratory droplets on you whilst having sex with a stranger in a bathroom. You just put your dick through the hole.
Yeah, I sure. Yeah, let's do it.
Yeah. Why not? Let's bring back glory holes because there's one thing that that sex is missing at times.
And that's just the thrill of not knowing who you're having sex with i have glory holes even i wouldn't even say that they're gone by the wayside i feel like i've never seen a glory hole in person i've seen one or two but they're in very very shady locations i was on the good i was on the standing up side okay they should make jeremy roenick the guy was seven feet tall. They should make, they should make Jeremy Rodick testify in a glory hole.
And he should have to just stand there with his dick through it, dick through the wall. And if he enjoys it, then guess what, Jeremy, your fucking lawsuits get thrown out.
If you really hate it, then yep, we can proceed. Yep.
Uh, so yeah, glory. They should actually do a glory hole for the handshake lines in the playoffs.
They should bring out just like a plexiglass thing. Just get your hands through there? That's got maybe like 15 or 16 holes in it so the guys can shake hands at the end of the series.
Because I don't think it's going to happen this year. No.
They might do fist bumps, elbows. Not the same.
Yeah, not the same. Not the same, especially when the goalies get the little extra.
They do a little extra juice. Really shake hands.
All right. My hot seat is your iPhone.
I don't know if you guys had the same thought, but my iPhone on Saturday started rapidly losing battery, getting way overheated, and it's been crap the last few days. And then I Googled it because I was like, oh, I should probably get a new one.
Oh, weird. iPhone 12 coming out soon.
Oh, strange. It's fucking every single time.
I don't understand how they're able to get away with this. Steve Jobs, man.
Like, I had the thought. I was like, ah, I really could use a new iPhone.
Oh, you mean there's like the iPhone 12 just got leaked a day ago? No way. It's gotten to the point where I would almost rather have a gas-powered phone.
One that I have to go to a gas station and fill up with like $10 worth of juice per week as opposed to having to trade my phone in every exactly one every, like, what is it, 19, 20 months? Yes. Is when they really start to drain? What I really want to know is someone out there who has like an iphone six does the battery come back do they then leave they're like all right we're done fucking with the last two or three iterations of iphone like we can just move on to the next one like is there is there a way where there's someone out there who's waited it out and your iphone your iphone six or seven sucked for a while and then when they got to 10 11 12 it started being good again it turned back on like yes Independence Day when the mothership got back to earth they were like yeah we're done we don't need to fuck with these iPhone 6s anymore no one has them so someone tweet us something I don't even know do they have Twitter for iPhone on iPhone 6 probably not yeah so do send us an I don't know what somehow get in touch with us through your iPhone.
MySpace us from your iPhone 6. You know what I've thought? Or who's got the oldest? Someone prove your oldest iPhone that is still out there.
I used to have a friend who had an iPhone 5, I want to say, up until a year and a half ago. That was impressive.
You know what? I've got an ESPN phone and I think that those came out in 2002, 2003 2003 people don't give the espn phone enough credit because it was essentially an iphone before an iphone it was the first phone to imagine internet technology being able to watch sports highlights watch video but the problem was they made it just like exclusive to espn products yeah like people are so obsessed with our company that they'll check in only for us on their phone.

And the digital network obviously sucked.

It was like 2G.

But 2G didn't give anyone coronavirus.

So in many ways, it was a lot stronger than what we have today.

So yeah, so the iPhones, I'm sure everyone's noticed it's going to happen.

Your iPhone's probably just going to blow up.

It was like hot to the touch.

I actually think that Steve Jobs or whoever's in charge of Apple is somewhere in a layer and they have a bar they've got a bar graph and when it dips down below like 30 or 20 percent of people still out there like they they have it planned out to maximize their new iphone sales when they can tell how good or how bad everyone's battery right is so they hit the switch they're like okay drop the 12 i also saw on the new iphone 12 it's got four cameras which i don't know like i think they're just doing it to be like how many cameras can you break like i two out of three of my cameras are broken yeah i can't be responsible for four case well yeah because i'm an adrenaline junkie dude what about i'm not a pussy like you who's like oh i'm gonna fucking make sure there's a case on my iphone what about the people that freaked out when there were three holes three cameras yeah no those those people are are in the clear the trip the triphobics yeah now we got the perfect square but it's it seriously is like how many more things can we put on this to break i hope they make it a little bit like off center with the different camera holes so it still fucks with those people um all right so oh and my cool throne is uh uh carmelo anthony and the many iterations of carmelo anthony you've heard of olympics mellow you've heard of hoodie mellow he's now slim mellow so he actually does look skinny and it's crazy i'm gonna say something nice about carmelo anthony it is crazy to watch him um in practice and just realize how fucking good he is at scoring like everything else maybe not there anymore but he's just he's a walking bucket so slim mellow is here uh goodbye hoodie mellow goodbye olympics mellow slim mellow season this is actually the the perfect environment for Carmelo Anthony because when does he perform at his best? In the Olympics, right? When the athletes are confined to a certain type of village with each other living under the bubble in a forbidden city, if you will, and this is exactly what's happening in Orlando. I am rooting so hard for Mellow to play well.
I don't know what it is about him, but I feel like everyone that's a casual NBA fan is absolutely behind him.

We want to see Melo go out there and score like 35 points, right?

Meh.

Are you mad because he ditched Chicago?

No, I don't think about him that much.

I mean, I'm sure he could be fine.

I don't care.

It'd just be sick to see Carmelo go out there and dominate one series in his playoffs. Yeah, I guess I just don't see it happening.
But yeah, if it happened, it would be a good story. Slim Melo, though.
He's looking good. Billy, you ready? You've done a great job of not talking.
Thank you. William, our soy man football.
My hot seat is Madden every year. The Madden ratings come out, and there's always quite an uproar on certain ratings.
Little Wayne chimed in. Yeah, we saw this from the update.
Billy sent us another great packet today for today's show with a list of the 10-14 things that we need to talk about. And he included everything that we didn't talk about from last time, including Little Wayne's tweet about the Madden ratings being absurd from July 14th.
I do like this. You think that the things we passed over were just, we missed them? Karen's don't like adults.
Hot seat whales. The first recorded shark attack on a whale where it drowned the whale underwater was recorded.
A shark named Helen drowned a whale off the coast of Massachusetts. Why are they erasing the whale's name in all this? Wait, why is the shark named Helen? I'm not sure, but they track sharks because it's good to track great white sharks, especially during beach season, to make sure that there's no shark attacks.
So they know the shark, but they don't know the whale. I love when we get nature killings like this and people are like, oh my god, it's the poor whale.
It got eaten. And it's like, coronavirus deaths, 140,000.
Who cares? It's a fucking hoax. Now, what they really should have done is they care about the whales? No, I don about nature like i care about nature i don't care about natural selection in the world like the zebra getting mauled by a tiger is what should be happening what about i'm not like oh my god that poor zebra his name was probably like butchy and he had a family and everything who the fuck cares what about when a midwestern dentist fulfills his natural right to go hunt a lion? When humans get involved, it's different.
See, I think that they should have named this whale posthumously. Did I say that right? Posthumously? Posthumously.
Because then you get that, because it's from the New York Post, and the Post has mastered the art of getting the quote tweets. They're on a fucking roll when it comes to that.
If they had given this whale a name, then they could get in on that sweet Harambe action. Willie the Whale? Yeah, people would say RIP or Sweet Prince Willie.
William the Whale got fucking murdered in broad daylight. We could only be so lucky.
Billy the Whale got murdered because he got too fat over the summer. Billy the Whale got murdered, and the last thing he said was, people are really mad about Madden ratings.
My cool throne. You're doing a great job of taking it, too.
You're fucking crushing it, dude. You're crushing it.
Everyone in the NBA tested negative for the coronavirus. Yes.
The bubble, which is a cool throne for sports. We should have mentioned that.
Good job, Billy. We should have mentioned that.
It's good that all they were negative. I think the bubble works.
Bubble works. I mean, honestly, sports could heal the entire world.
Sports could figure out a way to solve this coronavirus thing. Because if you have a test case and a model for how to solve it amongst a given population, you can expand that out.
Sports might save millions of lives,

and this is definitely not just me talking insane

because I haven't had any sports on TV.

If the bubble works, why don't we make the world a bubble?

Kyrie already believes it is.

Whoa.

Think about it, Billy.

Trying.

You know what we should do?

Is we should do aggressive testing and tracing, and everyone should wear a mask mask and then the world could be a bubble. No, that's crazy.
That's stupid. Let's get back to sports.
That was stupid. My bad, guys.
All right, let's get to our interview with Creed Bratton. Awesome interview.
One of those ones where I didn't even know his name was Creed Bratton until we had him on. But it actually is Creed Bratton.
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Okay, here he is, Creed creed bratton okay we now welcome on a very special guest it is creed bratton you know him from the office he has a new uh album out called slightly altered uh first of all thank you for joining us creed we appreciate it um thanks for having me guys i actually wanted to start with i think i think i knew this but i didn't know it fully until we were getting ready for this interview that your name actually is creed bratton does that get confusing at all to people uh to have your real name be your character's name no no it's a good it's a good thing it's a good thing obviously yeah because i'm i have a more uh more recognizable for sure that's true i guess when people are yelling name, it's better that they're yelling your real name. Well, there were a lot of people on that show that used their real name as their character's name as well, right? Well, not, but yeah, but that was Angela and Oscar and trying to think who else, Phyllis.
But they used my, they didn't use their last names they just use their first names i use my well they did greg dennis did that because um of my uh being in the grassroots because he he was he utilized several times uh on the show that i was in the grassroots and he wanted to use that rock that rock thing in there even though it didn't it was in deleted scenes uh It didn't come out really until the finale, actually.

So yeah, you're always listed as playing a fictionalized version of yourself. And I've

been curious, how close to the real Creed Bratton is the Creed Bratton that we got to

get glimpses of in the office?

Right. Well, as most actors who play characters, we're not

I'm going to go. as most actors who play characters, you know, we're not as funny in real life.
Although I find myself rather humorous, actually. Steve Carell is very, very quiet and a calm, gentle soul.
And he's hysterically funny when he's in the character of Michael Scott. No, there is obviously some of my demented rock and roll characteristics in the Creed character, but it's still an actor playing a part at the end of the day, for sure.
When you were know signed up to to be in the office and and you guys are going through the seasons did you have any feeling that it would be as big as it is uh even today like i actually during quarantine i just started it back at you know season one and just watch it you re-watch it all the time seeing all the episodes a million times and you can still watch it did you ever feel like that was happening while it was going on? No. I mean, some other people in the show have commented that they knew it.
They knew it. I didn't know it.
I didn't know. I was just there day to day just trying to not fuck up my parts and do the guy right.
Until I think we went to an upfront in new york and we're staying at the plaza hotel and we're doing the red carpet stuff and you start doing that stuff you start wait a second this is like this is real this is like happening and then people come up to you and market stuff and comment and they see you and they wave and then you start it slowly dawned on me that the show was maybe going to make it okay but not to the point that it's part of the zeitgeist which it is now right and not only uh the people who watched it then but their their younger siblings and stuff are watching it and it just keeps on going it's more popular now on stream i think is still no streaming streaming show out there i believe it is yeah it's astonishing and so how how could anyone uh predict something like that my goodness um during during the uh the filming of the show like i i never really knew what creed did for a living i knew he was quality control right that was that was your quality uh quality assurance quality assurance yeah i knew that was your job title but they never really got into the nuts and bolts of what creed did day in and day out in the office besides just like sit at his desk do you know what jack yeah i was gonna say do you know what his day-to-day job description was in that show? Do you know Dilbert, the cartoon Dilbert? Yes, he's been in the news. Yeah, it's Wally.
He's Creed's Wally. Yeah.
Okay. He's absolutely Wally.
He doesn't do anything. He avoids work at all times.
He never goes he got, they, they put the cartoon characters having sex on the paper, the paper stock. He, he hadn't been to the, to check on this people in a year.
That's right. And then he'd get blamed on somebody else, you know, kind of reminds me of somebody else I know now, but.
How have you not, how have you not secured Creed thoughts and made that your personal blog? Because it was owned by NBC in the beginning.

Ah, okay.

We need that.

You need that.

That's the best.

I would love it.

I would love it. But they did such a great job.

I wouldn't do as well.

Although now all the videos that I'm putting out on Instagram and TikTok and stuff, I'm

writing all those.

And, you know, obviously, because I have to.

Yeah. There's nobody else around.
Yeah. I just typed in Creededthoughts.com.
I know that's not the official site. I think there was a .gov and something in there but I'm pretty sure my computer got a virus from that.
So that's kind of on the nose. That's what, if I had one, that's what it would be, you know.
A phishing scam. Yeah, I love that.
If they did do a reboot, that's exactly what Creed would have to do. Yeah.
It would have to be with these guys hacking the rest of the people's computer. Creed, I don't know how much weight you pull over at Netflix, but if you could do me a favor and tell them, could you please turn down the volume on the intro song? It's always very jarring when it goes from the cold open to the office theme song and then back to the normal volume you have to play some like some some volume adjustment olympics with your remote so could you just pass that along to them for me you mean when it's going and now yeah i know i know i don't have any pull in that so i wish i did you know i lobbied my show.
Yes. Yeah.
Yes. Let's talk a little bit about your other career as a musician.
It's crazy reading through how long you've been a musician, how much music you put out in the world, and when you were a musician, when you started in the 1960s, late 1960s, what was it like starting around then when rock and roll and everything's coming up and you're in a scene that, you know, some of the folk scenes and Woodstock, now that you played Woodstock, but that kind of world, what was it like? I started playing, I played trumpet from a very young age and both sides of my family were musicians. My grandparents were semi-professional country and western band.
I learned guitar, started playing guitar around 13 at 17. So I'm 77 now.
So I've been playing professionally. I got my first gig playing with these older guys when I was 17 on lead guitar.
I've been playing this, I've been playing for 60 years now, guitar. And so to answer your question, I played with several bands all the way through college, over two years with this folk tree in Europe.
And then when the grassroots happened, there we were, Mount Tamalpais, Miami Pop Festival, Devonshire Downs, which is arguably one of uh, at 200,000 people at the time. And every rock band ever we had that time, Hendricks, everybody.
It was the summer of love, of course, in the late sixties, it was amazing guys. Yeah.
Absolutely amazing. Uh, we thought we were going to change the world for the better.
We thought that, uh, the message of love and peace was going to be taken on by the establishment, that we're going to stop fighting and that the world would not be Russia and America and the different countries, but it would be the world, the planet. We'd all be saying this is ridiculous.
Why fight? We need to be this earth. That's what we believed.
And it still hasn't happened, but I'm still ones that would like to see that occur i believe that's the only way we're going to as human beings are going to uh exist if we stop this this fighting stuff it's ridiculous do you think it was uh not enough people did acid back then that to change absolutely more drugs would have saved the world yes yes yes we i like acid needs to make a comeback right now. I've personally never done acid.
I'm not a drug guy, except if I'm overseas. But I feel like that's one drug that people take.
And usually like 90% of the time, they're like, yeah, I have a totally different perspective on life and it's better. Absolutely.
I mean, I don't advocate drugs for any youth at all, but if there, I certainly had some very, very profound and life-changing, but I didn't go into it as an escape. I mean, I would, there was, there was certainly cocaine and alcohol for that.
But, but when I went, when I wanted to do psychedelics, I would literally fast. I'd get myself in a head space.
I would meditate. I would go out by my, not in a city, but go out in the desert, go up in the mountains and get by yourself and take it.
And certainly grok nature as Robert Heinlein said in Stranger in a Strange Land. You get that feeling of like one with the universe? Yes.
Yes. And it's the most benign feeling there is.
Were you ever at some of the, I know I read a book a while ago, the electric Kool-Aid acid test and the Grateful Dead. Were you ever in that scene or around that scene? Well, when we played Mount Tamopai, everybody, the audience and the people on stage, there was on acid it was there was just

flowing or everybody was handing it out everywhere it was just insane just insane i don't know i

remember uh uh we were out in uh people's park before a film or show i think this is a famous

story but i'll tell it anyway a girl comes up to ricky and i the drummer and she's a little you

know hippie little tattoo flower on her cheek and a little gingham dress. And she goes, for you.
And she's got the little white squares with blue dots in them. And I read Newsweek articles.
I knew it was acid. It was Osley.
Osley acid. So I took it.
Went to do the show. Started hallucinating on stage.
was i'm not gonna get into it right now but yes i was there no feel free to get into it that i mean you just told the start of a great story i'd like to hear more all right all right so i i popped the acid in we get in the car and ricky says the drummer says that was really really nice of that girl. We should take this stuff after the show.
I went, yeah, too late then. Yeah.
On stage, we get there, we get into our cool rock and roll outfits and walk out on the stage. And all of a sudden I'm looking like this and my hands are glowing and there's like rainbow colors between the vortexes of my hand.

And I'm also, I can go like this. There's this, this etheric tappy between my hands and I'm playing, I'm playing, I'm God's concertina player.
And, uh, uh, I hear, uh, Bill Graham going play, play. but it's much more like creep

play

creep

play

I

I

I

I

I

I Bill Graham going, play, play. But it's more and more like, play, play, play.
I go, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. So I take the guitar and the start of the lift today is, and I hit the notes.
And I look behind me at the speaker and out of the speaker on and I'm so I'm a listening now and there's the notes that I played on staff paper comes out of the speaker and that the notes fall off onto the floor and I go oh the poor notes so I get down on my hands and knees with a dust of imaginary dustbin and a, and I'm sweeping up the notes and trying to push them back into my amplifier. And I couldn't play.
I dropped my pants. Let that pony dance.
Gave it some air. I heard that it pays to advertise.
And they were not happy. Bill Graham was certainly not not happy he had to come back the next week and make that show up but that was the only time that I'd ever done anything like that on stage and it was just something that wasn't planned it was just in the spur of the moment because again acid was everywhere getting back to your question again what a life to be in that whole scene and then be part of like one of the funniest, most critically acclaimed shows of all time.
Jeez. You are, you're creep.
You're creep. Yeah.
You made a lot of right. You made a lot of good decisions along the way to lead yourself to that one moment in time.
I don't think I made them myself per se. I believe that I'm intuitive, an intuitive person, not an intellectual person.
I'm always very, very tuned to the voice. We all have the inner voice telling us this is the right way to go.
Don't do this. It's the wrong way to go.
Many, many times people just avoid it. We don't pay attention to it.
I pay very close attention to it. To be involved in an era like that and in a seminal moment in like some would say rock history like that

and then to also later on in life now you're involved like a new generation gets to be introduced to you.

You just seem like you are in the right place at the right time all the time.

And that's actually a good quality to have.

I think that's a very – it's an underestimated quality that some people have in life to just always find themselves in a good position. If I thought I was consciously doing that, I'd say, thank you.
That's exactly how I planned it. But, but I mean, obviously you, what's, what's all the, there's all the, the commentary, the philosophy that you make, you make luck, you make your luck by hard hard work hard work makes your luck and i certainly have not been a lazy guy i've always written and stayed in shape and uh and uh when i was on bernie mack and i heard that this the director that came on was going to do the office the little flares went off the little red side lights went up boom you got to do it and really it's no joke it was you got to be on this show and i lobbied i called him up and and got on that show shot my own character made it happen there's no way that i was going to know that show but i knew that this is someplace i had to be and uh so yes okay i'll take responsibility for that yes following my my yes.
And now you also have, we talk about this with guests all the time, how they have like an even more of an afterlife from their careers with the gifts. And you have a couple that are great that are always used on Twitter, the Ride the Bull one, the Dark Hair.
Oh my gosh. Yeah, so you have a couple of those screenshots or gifs that basically will just live forever and people use all the time and you become a cult classic I don't know what can you say I'm so lucky I'm just so lucky and and I I just hope I keep right making the right moves and don't fuck this up you know yeah can a cartwheel? Fuck, you do a fucking cartwheel.
Can you do one? No, of course I can. You can? Yeah, of course I can.
Okay. All right.
Well, that was your New Year's resolution. Yeah, it was your New Year's resolution.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
So that's the thing. People always yell at me from the audience.
And you have to understand when I'm on stage playing my acoustic guitar, and I know that if I don't get this out of the way, I'll be playing that song from the finale. All the faces, a beautiful song at the end.
And people are going, do a cartwheel, bow body, you know, which one's Pam? So I tell them early in the show, just scream out all your creed stuff and get it out of the way. And they do.

And I say, okay, you're happy now?

All right, now let's proceed with the show.

Yes. Did you watch every episode of The Office as it came out?

No.

I haven't seen them all, actually.

Really?

Don't shoot me.

Well, I'm writing.

I read a lot of books.

I'm a voracious reader.

So if I have any extra time, I'm going to be reading. Or playing guitar guitar or writing songs.
Give us some books. What are you reading right now? Yeah.
Oh, gosh. What have I got right now up here? We're big readers.
I read one book. Alexovic, second-hand time.
Oh, gosh. The Magic Mountain, Thomas Mann.
Marcus Aureliusitator well that's my stoic philosophy i read that all the time yeah that's that's the second philosophy reference we've had in the show in the last week that's incredible yes i uh i've been for uh eric abel my uh was my tour manager now he's my agent uh we were listed Tim Ferriss on the road. And he had a guy in there, and he started talking about stoic philosophy.
This was years ago when I first started touring. And it really struck home to me.
This is something, by the way, that I wish I had when I was your guy's age, stoic philosophy, because it's a grounding philosophy. It just gets rid of all the bullshit and yeah i i now i read uh seneca uh marcus aurelius uh epictetus the big boys you know and it's it never lets me down it's really good stuff um out of this out of the episodes of the office that you have watched what would would be your top three cold openings? Best intros? Obviously, I loved when I got to be the manager.
That's just selfish, you know, throw the keys to nobody. No, that's not my favorite.
The one, my gosh, where we're all, where we have this music playing, I'm playing guitar, andate's got her the thing written on her belly and everyone's jumping up on that's that was a one-shot uh deal that was that's pretty amazing oh gosh cold openings i guess what about the scene where where that dwight dwight thanks the fire that's not yes that's probably the go that was That's probably the funniest damn thing ever. Yes.
And maybe I don't know. There's so many Steve Carell moments where he like prison Mike or he comes in the big.
Him and Amy Ryan are doing the dance and singing. We were biting our cheeks not to laugh on that one.
Alright, so Creed Bratton slightly altered. His album is out now.
Are you going to get, do you think you're going to get back on tour anytime soon, or what's the... Man, guys, guys, I turned, I had to cancel twice to go to australia new zealand because the fires and then they said you can come down but we'll have oxygen tanks by the side of the stage because there's so much smoke in this place no that's okay i need to breathe to sing thank you then now of course the pandemic and uh so now i'm planning to go back down in march it may or may not happen and then in may uh i want to go back because i toured last year and a great tour europe and uh england and ireland this time uh we'll see i i miss playing for the fans because obviously that's what i live for is getting up on stage yeah well uh my last question isn't even a question i just want to say congratulations on uh the new dog.
Iggy Pup, who you... Iggy Pup.
Iggy Pup. My friend Linda's dog.
Okay. She's a friend of mine, but I went over there a day to meet him, and you saw it.
Look, if you go close upon those little eyes, he is an old soul. He's the sweetest little guy.
That's the acid kicking in, Creed. No, no, no.
You start looking into dog's eyes, and you're like've known have i met you before yeah well if he has i haven't met him before because he's he's gonna he's trying to become a human yeah i'm gonna look him up right now real quick i'm gonna let me be the judge of this dog's eyes creed is on his instagram yeah okay creed bratton it's on my instagram also by the way we do agree that's that's the cutest That is a very cute dog. We do Mount Rushmore when sports aren't going on on this show, and we did Mount Rushmore office characters, and Hank, our producer, picked you with his first round pick.
Thank you, Hank. Crazy.
He's the biggest crew fan. You deserve it.
I agree. This dog does have an old soul.
This dog is looking at me like it's seen some shit. Yeah.
It looks right through you, right? Yeah. Yeah.
You know what? It's judging me and it's nailing me. That's a grounded dog.
Yes. Well, thank you so much.
Everyone, go out and get Creed's new album, Slightly Altered. Thank you so much.
Really appreciate this. Hey, guys.
Thanks. I've enjoyed talking with both of you.
It was fun. Yeah.
Hope to see you when you come to New York on your next tour sometime, too. Oh, last time I was there, I played the Highline Ballroom.
That was my second time there. I had a great show.
But it's closed now, I believe. I think they closed the Highline, unfortunately.
But I'll find another venue to play when I can play. When you come back to New York, I will be there.
See you, Creed. That interview with Creed Bratton was brought to you by ZipRecruiter.
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It works at ZipRecruiter.com slash PM free it works at ziprecruiter.com slash pmt that's ziprecruiter.com slash pmt okay let's get some segments uh let's do our mount rushmore we're going to do it mount rushmore of things that happened since quarantine started since sports were gone because sports are going to be back by friday we're already going to have sports back. So we figured we would do this.
It's basically the, oh my God, that happened in the last four months. Mount Rushmore.
I just came up with a terrible poem. Would you like to hear it? Sure.
Twas the night before sports again and all through the house. We were awaiting the first pitch from the good Dr.
Fouch. Ooh, nice.
That's right. Boom.
You should tweet that. Should I? Yeah.
No, that's not going to do well. Billy, you tweet that.
Yeah, Billy, you tweet it and see. But Billy, you have to wait until tomorrow to tweet it out because it's not Sports Eve yet.
Yes. All right, should we do it? Hank, you want to start? So this is the Mount Rushmore of things that happened since sports were canceled.
And then Billy's going to do a bonus Mount Rushmore of soy-based products. Not a soy boy.
Not because he's a soy boy. He's a soy man.
It's just that he knows them in and out. Soy-based products.
This is a twofer for the people to start. Wait, what? Well, kind of.
It's simultaneous. Hold on.
It's not snake draft. Flag.
Not snake snake draft. You can't do two to start.
You're trying to do a two-headed snake draft. A two-foot? One, but it's two.
No, that's not fair. You've got to pick one.
Say your first, and then we'll determine whether or not you get to say a second. Gronk signed with the Bucs.
That's one. Okay, you were going to say Tom Brady signed with him.
No. No, I know what he's going to say, but I have that too.
And that shouldn't be a twofer.

All right, fine.

Okay, PFT, your first pick.

Easy first pick.

That's going to go with Tiger King.

Tiger King, remember that?

We got the painting up there from Chilling with Chills.

Okay.

All right, I'll go easy first pick off of that.

Remember Tiger King.

Because like a month ago, it was like, remember how long ago Tiger King was? Yeah, no, that was a long time ago, too. That absolutely counts.
It does count. That absolutely counts.
But I think it counts. That absolutely counts.
We've been doing Remember Tiger King for so long that you can remember. That's what the Mount Rushmore is.
But you can remember. That's what the Mount Rushmore is.
Remember. Fine, you don't want to cut it.
No, no, no. No, you said it.
You said it. Once you say you can't take it back.
If you can't take a second one, then I won't do it. No, I'm just saying it's a bad pick.
Fine, go ahead. Your pick.
Your first two picks. My first two picks? So many people have been being like, remember Tiger King? That is now old.
Like, the remember Tiger King people have been doing that for fucking two months now. I know what you're saying.
Tiger King was four months ago. I'm going to allow it as a pick.
I'm not saying it's a great pick. Hey, why are you giving me that face? Why are you giving me that fucking face? Give me the face again.
I can do the real one. And now explain the face.
I've got one from an ex-pick. Remember, remember, remember Tiger King? Okay, you can do that.
That's fine. There has been so much time that has elapsed that doing remember Tiger King tweets have now expired that's literally how long it's been there was a whole fucking month where people would be like dude remember tiger king but it's still a thing that happened in quarantine i understand i'm saying i think it's more than worthy of my top pick if not the one overall i'm saying i'm remembering how how we did a whole month of remembering tiger king which was stupid in I just want to use that as like my fourth pick.
All right. That's fine.
Soy milk.

So. remembering how we did a whole month of remembering Tiger King, which was stupid in itself.
I just want to use that as my fourth pick if I were you.

That's fine.

Soy milk.

Soy milk.

You get two.

Are you saying that you are milk in Spanish?

What is soy?

Who knows?

It's a legume, I think.

No one knows.

All right, go ahead.

Number two.

Tofu.

Okay, good one.

Gross. All right, my second one will be...

Wait, what did you pick?

Gronk?

I'll do Tom Brady the Bucks.

Yeah, that's fine.

Tom Brady the Bucks.

That was my other one, so...

Yeah, I know what your other one was.

Then why don't you do it?

Because I think Tom Brady the Bucks was even longer,

and like, holy shit, that happened before sports canceled?

Or after sports were canceled?

All right.

Okay.

I mean, you're going to say Leroy retiring.

Remember that? You can take that. You can have my good dog.
That wasn't it. Yes, it was.
Yeah, it was. My second one is going to be Earl Thomas's entanglement.
Remember that? Remember that? That was like a few months. That was a wild fucking story.
Yeah. His incest tanglement with his brother was that before sports were canceled I mean that was absolutely okay

I mean it's yeah

time time doesn't exist anymore

time doesn't exist anymore

alright Hank zoom

happy hours remember when

people try to try to make that a thing I

wouldn't act like oh we don't see our friends so let's

do a happy hour on zoom and then that like

and then I think people did it for like a week or two

everyone realized it sucked yeah the novelty

of being like oh hey look at us we're

Thank you. acted like, oh, we don't see our friends, so let's do a happy hour on Zoom.
And then I think people did it for like a week or two.

Everyone realized it sucked.

Yeah.

The novelty of being like, oh, hey, look at us.

We're drinking alcohol using software that we normally use at work.

That wore off.

This is almost as cool as the bar.

Hey, Slack sexed me real quick.

And then my next one will be Murder Hornets. You were retiring?

Oh.

What was it?

Murder Hornets?

Murder Hornets.

I'm fucking terrified.

They're so scary. They're all here.
There's a lot of shit i don't remember okay that's good that's a good pick i forgot about that thanks yeah no problem um my next one is gonna be uh just the nfl draft you guys remember the nfl draft yeah. Remember Roger Goodell getting fucked up in his man cave?

Yep.

Taking off, doing like a strip draft?

Or by the end of it, he was just like basically wearing a G-string and crushing like a thousand M&Ms in a handful.

As a preeminent football podcast,

we cannot let Roger Goodell back out of his man cave donation thing.

Because Dave, like someone has to do it.

Yeah, so Marlon's man.

Marlon's man's got to step up.

They can't just forget about that.

Did they cancel the entire thing?

Well, don Marlon Marlon's man said he was in second place and then he hasn't come forward and said he won. So like they can't just be like, oh, Dave, you're canceled.
And can you text Marlon's man and find out if they've reached out to him? Sure. Because that would be that would be a breaking news on our part.
Good one. All right.
I'll go with, we talked about at the beginning of the show, wood memes when they were just, that was all anyone could text for about a week and a half. It was more than that.
It was probably three weeks. Just that dude's big fucking cock.
Every fucking text you opened, every link you clicked on. And everyone has that one friend who held on for a little too long.
Yeah the one friend that started making their own wood memes yeah but then they they like i'm not gonna he's a friend of mine so i'm not gonna say his name but i have a friend well no one knows him he's i have a friend in chicago who's i think as of like three days ago still sent me one yeah it's like it's tough to have that conversation being like dude it's been over uh-huh stop i'm trying to remember when i got my last wood meme i believe it was it was probably over a month ago which i feel like that's the acceptable time if you my problem was you're still sending wood memes in july then you you have an issue then you're making your own at home you've got your own like setup where you've got you purchased a photoshop subscription just to Photoshop this guy's cock onto things. Yes.
I had a group text where I was sending a lot of the ones that you guys are sending. Cause I thought they were funny.
And then that basically like brought them into the fold and then now they're still going with it. So I feel partly responsible because it's like, I brought you guys into this world and you haven't picked up on the fact that it's a good.
then their clock started behind everybody else's, so it's still going strong.

Hank, do you think that they think that you invented the wood memes

because you introduced them?

Probably.

Potentially, yeah.

I mean, they're not big internet guys,

so they're just like, why do you keep sending this guy's big-ass dick?

You should start predicting things.

Be like, this year I guarantee you that Mark Zuckerberg will have a big ass.

And then in six months be like, look at this picture.

Billy, your last two soy-based products.

But you're not a soy boy.

Safritas.

Okay.

At Chipotle.

Yeah, that's good.

That should be number one.

Yeah.

And edamame.

Ooh.

Okay.

You don't have soy sauce on your list.

That's kind of weird.

Soy sauce is delicious.

Too obvious. Yeah.
Okay. All right.
My last pick will be The Last Dance. And being like, oh, yeah, the last dance.
Like, this is coming out at the perfect time. It will get us to the end of quarantine.
And then that was like, what, two months ago? Uh-huh. It's fucking.
It's now on Netflix. Oh, wait.
I had two. What? I only did one the last time around.
You probably should have thought of that. That's on you.
That's on you. Don't worry, you can do Leroy retiring.
Yeah, you can do your last three. I was never going to do that.
Okay. Last dance.
I actually think that the last dance was our first sports are back of this entire thing. After like two days.
Oh, thank God. We have six weeks of this.
It will totally get us to the finish line. It was honestly like two or three weeks after quarantine started.
We're like, we're done. Yeah, this is great.
The last dance brought sports back. This is great.
All right. Your last pick, BFT.
My last one is going to be the celebrity imagined video with Gal Gadot and all the celebrities in their houses. That was going to get us through the power of song.
Yep. It was so ridiculous.
I miss laughing at that. Now it's like that was actually kind of sweet.
Yeah. Nice try, guys.
All right, Pink, you have two to finish. Two to finish.
Outer Banks. Yep.
And then the novelty of our sweet boy Billy coming back in the fold. Everyone was like, oh, we missed Billy football.
Where's Billy? Oh, my God, Billy's back. Fuck this kid.
I actually think that Billy's been doing a great job this week. I do, too.
I love Billy. But when he came back, it was like, oh, my God, Billy's back.
Finally. If Billy was a $100 stock when he came back, he went down to like a penny.

But now he's back to like $65.

But to be fair, he went down because of mismanagement.

Right.

Because of gross incompetence at the executive level.

We were the juking coffee guys.

Yes.

We were just fucking, remember that?

Yeah.

We were Wolf of Wall Street on Billy. We dragged him down to penny stocks so we could then buy shoes and jacket back up.

Everyone's going to be like, Billy's incredible.

I'd be like, yeah, we told you.

Yeah.

But Billy, you've been doing great recently.

And I do mean it when I say that we did not set you up well.

So I accept our apologies.

Yes.

I feel like you guys are just being nice to me.

No, no, no.

We love you.

Dead serious.

We love you.

Those shoes still fucking suck though.

They're terrible.

They're awful. We missed a few.
Love is Blind. Yep.
Love serious. We love you.
Those shoes still fucking suck, though. They're terrible.
They're awful.

We missed a few.

Love is Blind.

Yep.

Love is Blind is up there.

Remember when...

Oh, Leroy retiring.

Mm-hmm.

What are you going to say, Hank?

I did five.

It's all good.

You did five?

All right, put five on there for Hank.

Make sure you put five.

Oh, so you want to do the...

We'll do our fifth.

Yeah, so we should get a fifth one.

All right, you go ahead.

Okay, so this fifth...

You can do Love...

Love is Blind was on my list, but I feel like that's cheating since we've already said it out loud uh so i won't say it instead i will go with uh leroy retiring leroy retiring there we go um you have to do a fifth too billy can i do like a real one? No. Yes.
But let me do mine first.

My fifth is when

Jay Glazer held the world hostage for

24 hours thinking he was going to break

the biggest news ever and then just told us a guy

got coronavirus that

ended up like hundreds of

thousands of, I think millions, yeah, millions

of people have had coronavirus

and he was like, big news coming tomorrow.

That was a long time ago.

Panic buying.

Oh, yeah. I bought a lot

Thank you. Thousands of people have had coronavirus, and he was like, big news coming tomorrow.
That was a long time ago. Panic buying.
Oh, yeah. I bought a lot of junk.
I canned spinach for like a month. I had, oh, you're talking about that.
Yeah, that too. I was thinking more like I bought a trumpet.
I bought like a Stairmaster that was like only like this big. I got a sun lamp.
I bought this thing. This, this, I never, I was too embarrassed to even use it.
It's, um, a thing you wear around your neck and it's like a big rubber ball and you chew it and it's supposed to make your jawline better. So it's like a, a thigh master for your mouth.
It's, it's like a fucking ball gag. You just bought a ball gag.
Yeah. Right.
Pretty much. I saw, I took, I opened it and I was like.
Adam and Eve has a lot of good deals on exercise equipment.

I opened it and I was like, I'm not going to fucking do this.

This is insane.

So it's basically like synthetic chewing gum.

Yes.

Yes, a chew toy.

You're basically treating yourself like a dog.

And I was like, this is insane.

This is too far.

Actually a great idea.

Yeah.

You never used it?

No, I didn't.

I didn't.

Can I use it?

I think in the move it got lost. I can point you.
My jawline could use a little bit of work. I can point you in the great idea.
Yeah. You never used it? No, I didn't.
I didn't. Can I use it? I think in the move it got lost.

My jawline could use a little bit of work.

I could point you in the right direction.

Okay.

We also had push-up challenges.

Yeah.

That sucked.

We're going to get in shape.

Oh, we're going to.

Yeah, we're going to.

We're going to get in shape, people.

Also are closely related to the, this is only going to last two to three weeks, people.

What about, remember freaking out when oil hit zero?

Yeah.

Everyone was worried about that for some reason.

Thank you. related to the this is only going to last two to three weeks, people.
What about remember freaking out when oil hit zero? Everyone was worried about that for some reason. And we all pretended to know what that meant.
Yeah, it means that everyone's going to have to store oil in their backyard until the government allows you to release it. Remember when Duke withdrew from the NCAA tournament before they canceled the NCAA tournament? You remember when Britney Spears burnt down her gym? Yep.
Because she ran too fast? Yep. So yeah, there's been a lot of things that have happened.
Harrison Ford got into another plane crash. He did? Yeah.
That's how you can measure time, actually, is how many Harrison Ford aviation incidents have taken place. By the way, the Earl Thomas thing I looked up, guess what date it was? May 1st.
It was May 7th. Yeah.
I would have guessed that it was like April. I would have said it was like late March, early April being like that was borderline when sports were canceled.
Marlins man said no, they would not let me. Breaking news.
Wow, Roger Goodell. Breaking news.
How much money did he bid? Dave bid like $250,000. So that would mean Marlins man probably bid about $150,000.
There, $200,000. That Goodell is not accepting for children.
It's fucked up. Hates the kids.
This needs to be more of a story. It is.
Well, let's raise the awareness level right now in America. Never forget that Roger Goodell elected to starve children instead of accepting money from Marlins man.
Sad. Very, very sad.
Alright, let's finish up with guys. That was a great Mount Rushmore, guys.
And sports are back now. But this is...
They'll write a history book. We should just write that.
We should do another coloring book. Oh, remember our coloring book? Yeah, remember? We should do a coloring book of coronavirus.
Of stuff that happened during the quarantine. And just have the big dick in every picture.
Just different woods and a coloring book. Where's wood? A where's wood book? A pop-up book, too.
Oh, damn. It could be like six books in one.
It could be a coloring book, Where's Wood, and then the last page you just open up and it's three-dimensional of just his cock. Mm-hmm.
I like that. All right, we're going to do that.
Not. But yeah.
No, we're definitely not. We're going to talk about it.
We just did. If we talk about it enough, someone might make it.
Uh-huh. And then we can maybe sell it.
Hey, guys. We just gave Triggs like homework.
Remember this one? Can you do this for us? Bike riding around Manhattan? Oh, yeah. Now, to be fair, that was something that we were planning on doing.
Once the weather gets nice. Once the weather gets nice, we'll do.
Well, no, now it's too hot. Yeah.
Now it's too hot. To be fair, for five Fridays in a row, it rained.
But I got a new one already. It was downpouring, so we couldn't do it.
And then it just became one of those things where if you cancel a plan in good faith enough times, you just kind of... It doesn't happen.
People just kind of let you slide. I am down to do it now that I have an electric bike and don't actually have to bike.
A motorcycle. It's pretty much a motorcycle.
Yeah, you should get a leather jacket. It's a motorcycle.
I will revel scooter around Manhattan. Okay.
Hey, guys on checks. Hey, guys.
My boyfriend and I got in a big fight recently because I only wear sunglasses on my head, never on my face, even when it's sunny. I just don't feel comfortable or confident wearing them, so I only use them to keep my hair back.
Is that not normal? Wait, only on your head? Yes. I've actually considered getting a second pair just so I can do the same thing.
Yeah, I mean. You're in a unique situation.
That's weird, though. Who doesn't like wearing sunglasses? I don't like wearing sunglasses.
Really? Yeah. In the summertime? I just don't have a good face for sunglasses.
It's just something I've come to accept. I think everyone has a good face for sunglasses.
The whole point of sunglasses is that you can make a really stupid face look better. You're just wearing the wrong sunglasses.
Trust me. Shady rays.
Even shady rays are great. They look great on everyone.
Are they? If you don't like wearing them? I look like bug eyes. Here.
Hank, what you should do is you should get the flip-up sunglasses like outfielders wear. The best ones are the ones I got for Grit Week that looked like I was a porn director that I got as a joke, but they kind of look good.
Those weren't sunglasses. Those made you look very bug eyes.
They were not even close to sunglasses. You look good, Hank.
You look awesome. Hank, you look like you could fucking rob a bank right now.
Shady Rays makes you look sick. You look like a California teenager.
You look so good. Hey, wait.
What's up, CFB Hall of Fame, Cat 6'3 PFT, and Chankless Hank? I think I was supposed to say chinless, but you spelled it wrong. I realize what Hank looks like now.
Doesn't Hank look like a wildlife photographer for Shark Week? Yeah. Out on a boat somewhere? Fuck yeah.
You should actually do an entire series where you go fishing. With my bare hands.
Dude, everyone tweets me videos every day of people catching fish with their bare hands. I've never been more proven right.
Everyone tweets me every day. Literally.
Long time AWL and Toledo resident here wondering if there was any plans for Coach Doug's ceremony for accepting the key to the city. I know this may not happen anytime soon due to the encouragement of social distancing, but once life starts returning back to normal, I know that the four one, I would love to have you guys.
Is this, is this guy's on chicks? Well, it was in the text line and I was actually curious myself. Okay.
Yes, we're going to do it. I've spoken with Jason candle.
Who's a friend of ours. We, we saw him on a grit week a couple of years ago.
We are absolutely going to go to Toledo once the real world comes back. It's probably going to be next year.
We'll get a key to the city. And we've had preliminary discussion, actually just amongst ourselves, of PFT possibly enrolling and kicking.
Yep. It has been discussed.
We actually haven't asked anyone if we can do it. We've just talked about it ourselves, which counts.
I've got to get tape out there somehow.

I have an extra year of eligibility.

Yeah, you do.

You want to play for Toledo?

I'm giving Scali's away.

I have four years of eligibility.

Dude, I'm giving Scali's away.

How much does it cost to enroll at the University of Toledo for out-of-state people?

Because I was thinking about doing one that's closer, but all the private schools are like $80,000 a year, and there's no piece of stuff.

It's on the arm.

For us, it's free.

Hey, guys.

We got a key to the city. You don't think a key to the city opens up free tuition? It should at least open up the weight room.
Yeah. I won't go to class.
Hey, guys. My boyfriend likes to refer to my butt as an absolute dump truck, except that it's not.
It's an average, if not kind of small butt. Should I be insulted when it says because it's sarcastic or is he trying to give me a compliment? No.
I think guys just look at any butt, and they're like, wow, that's a huge butt. You're like, how can I compare this body to some type of big machinery? Yeah.
Do you remember at the start? I think it was at the start of Charlie's Angels. Who could forget? But Cameron Diaz, like, danced in the mirror to I like big butts, and she has, like, a negative butt.
She Hank Hill butt. You, and the real truth here is that your boyfriend just doesn't know what a dump truck butt looks like.
Don't be the one to break it to him. Let him just think that you got the dump truck.
It's actually the highest compliment that you can give as a male to compare something to like machinery you thought was kick-ass when you were six years old. And this also just means that he's on instagram so good that's good as well like he's just not looking at dump trucks on instagram we should actually he's not on perfect boot we should billy create an instagram account for us uh i want it to be dump trucks so it's just one ass picture next to an actual dump truck.
Okay. Or it could be dump trucks

and the picture, the avatar

is just a big ass in a swimsuit

but then all the pictures are just

different heavy machinery.

And then you just DM people and see how many followers you can get.

Or we could get actual models to pose

in front of heavy machinery.

That would be cool as well.

Check out this backhoe.

There's a lot of things we can do with the dump truck Instagram.

Nice. Dear PMT, I'm embarrassed to say this even though it's anonymous my boyfriend is really a cereal bread eater i love bread don't get me wrong i'm not one of those gluten-free girls but he eats it with every meal literally he eats burgers and hot dogs just like anyone else but what started to worry me after seven months of dating and getting normalized to his daily the was the cereal he dips the bread in cereal his main choice is wonder bread and it absolutely disgusts me not the bread of choice but the bread being dunked into the cereal he uses it as a scoop and when i tell him it's gross he says it's just like a spoon it's true i really don't know how to get him to stop or if i should get him to stop.
What do I do? I think you just let the man live his life.

Everyone's got a thing.

Everyone's got a thing.

If that's a crush to two,

two buns with a hot dog,

like a chaser bun.

If that's the weirdest thing about him,

then you're doing really well.

Yeah.

I also,

this is one of those things where he is.

I don't know how he grew up,

but I'm sure that there was just bread all the time. And he thinks that everyone else just eats bread all the time.

And another one,

this is another case where he is probably not on Instagram looking at like

how to stay lean,

like RX lean muscle.

He's just fucking pounding carbs.

Yeah.

At least you know,

he's not a celiac.

Yeah.

His shits are probably wonderful if he can handle all that bread.

I like this.

This guy is just living in,

uh,

not 2020.

He's living in like 1982. Here's what you do.
Suggest that you guys I like this. This guy is just living in not 2020.
He's living in like 1982.

Here's what you do. Suggest

that you guys go on a gluten

free diet together and just see how long

it takes for him to dump you.

I'm at a weird point in my relationship

with this guy and I don't quite know how to label us.

Regardless, we've been off and on for

a year and a half despite living in different cities.

We've definitely gotten close during the pandemic

especially since I've moved back home to my parents house four months ago. I need help.
What the fuck do I buy him for his birthday? I don't want to scream relationship, but I also don't want to be a dick and just buy him a birthday card. Cash.
I think we've said that before in this show. Cash all the time.
Just give him a fat stack of fives. Everyone wants cash, always.
Cash is the greatest gift anyone can ever give. Cash is king.
If you give them $100 worth of $5 bills, that's actually the best present I think I could ever get. I would rather have $100 worth of fives than just get like six $20 bills.
Yes. It's like the scene from Donnie Brasco when Al Pacino and Johnny Depp.
Is it Johnny Depp? No. It is Johnny Depp.
He's canceled, though. And at Christmas, they exchange cards, and they both have cash in them.
And then when Johnny Depp is walking out, Al Pacino's like, hey, can I get a few dollars off you? I need to loan some money to me. And then he just takes his card back.
He takes his 10%. He gets 10% right immediately.
No, he takes his whole card back. So he just ends up with all the money.
Just give him... You know what would actually be sweet? I wish I had gotten this present at some point.
Just a suitcase filled with ones. And maybe you handcuff it to him and be like, don't open this until you get home.
That'd just be sick. Hey, guys.
What outfit would each of you wear if you were girls? I don't know. Oh, PFT.
No, I don't know. You can just Google it.
Do you talk like something that's never gonna happen i think tube tops for my breast for my breast size tube tops tube tops yeah you you would make a tube top pop i would like the the new trend it seems like uh girls are just wearing handkerchiefs as tops that seems kind of fun i would wear a dress i would wear a dress. If I was a woman.
I would wear a dress. You've done it many times.
I would wear a dress. If I was a woman, I would wear a dress.
And only if I was a woman. Yoga pants.
Last one. Dear vacation honk, my boyfriend always asks me, are you mad at me? He has really bad anxiety and he always needs to make sure, but I'm so sick of him asking when I'm not mad.
Sorry to interrupt, Hank, but I was actually thinking about this this weekend. I didn't want to forget.
Somebody just needs to make sure but i was so sick of him asking sorry to interrupt but i was actually thinking about this this weekend i didn't want to forget um somebody just needs to invent if you slap like a uh like an under armor logo onto a kilt or onto just like any sort of nice flowy like long skirt you can make a dude wear anything he's like this is a sport performance kilt yeah a guy will wear a dress it's a a golfing kilt. I'm going to be honest.
Rompers are actually. There you go, Billy.
Dude, remember male rompers? I wore one of those once. You did? Yeah, they sent us a bunch.
The romp hems. Yeah, the romp hems.
My invest. My balls are too.
Well, my dick is too small. My balls are perfectly average.
Remember when you tried to get into lace shorts, PFT? Yeah, weird. Yeah, I remember that.
That was not long ago because the shorts are still in the pile. Somebody sent me lace shorts.
Right. I think you asked them to.
Amazon sent you lace shorts. Somebody sent me.
I think it was the same place you got your ball gag from. Last one.
So my boyfriend always asks, are you mad at me? He has really bad anxiety and he always needs to make sure, but I am so sick of him asking when I'm not mad. What should I do to get him to stop asking? This is starting to become a deal breaker.
This is like a reverse. This is like a...
Just say yes. Just be mad at him one time.
Yeah, just be mad at him. Be like, yes, because you asked me if I'm mad and that's really pissing me off.
Right. I actually know why.
She's got a resting face. Oh, damn.
I don't like that, Billy. That's misogynistic.

Really misogynistic.

You're getting canceled for that.

Billy, so if you were to just sit around.

Well, Billy, do you think she should smile more, Billy?

No.

See you, dude.

That's why she thinks you're mad all the time.

Na, na, na.

It's like.

Na, na, na, na.

Hey, hey, hey.

Billy's canceled.

I canceled that man.

You got one last monologue, though.

Yeah, you got one last monologue before you officially canceled.

Love you guys.

Thank you. Hey, hey, Billy's canceled.
Did I cancel that, man? You got one last monologue, though. Yeah, you got one last monologue before you officially canceled.
Love you guys. Well, thank you guys for having me while sports were gone.
I think I'm going to go back to where I came from. And now sports are here.
Just want you to remember how fun it was to not talk about sports and just maybe take a break It really wasn't, I don't know what I'm saying But anyway If you're having a bad time You might just want to climb A mountain and look around See the stars Tell them that you're not actually leaving the show I'm not really sure He's not leaving, but he is cancelled Yes, you're canceled, but you're not leaving. You can apply for reinstatement.

I'll reply.

To a council of Amy Schumer, Ellen DeGeneres, and Michelle Obama.

And Megan McCain.

They're the council.

Also, please DM me if you want to buy Vanny on Twitter,

at BillyHotTakes, because I need to sell this van.

It runs actually really well.

Took a very spin three days ago.

What? I'm pretty, I'm pretty good. I'm pretty good.
I'm pretty good. I'm pretty good.
All the things that you say isn't awful just to play my way. You're all the things I've got to remember

Are we coming for you anyway?

Are we coming for you anyway? It's Pardon My Take presented by Barstool Sports.