Creed Bratton, Slim Melo And Mt Rushmore Of Things That Happened Since Sports Were Cancelled

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Speaker 1 On today's part of my take, we have Creed Bretton. Very interesting guest.
You know him from the office.

Speaker 1 You probably don't know him from his music career and tells some awesome stories about doing acid in San Francisco in the late 60s.

Speaker 1 We have Hot Seat, Cool Throne. We have the Mount Rushmore of things that happened during quarantine

Speaker 1 or since sports have been canceled because

Speaker 1 we will have sports back on Thursday night.

Speaker 3 This is not one that I would have liked to do a month ago, correct? And it would just make me sad and thinking about all the things that could be happening.

Speaker 3 But now that it's sports eve, finish line, let's do it.

Speaker 1 Finish line. So, and then we have guys on chicks.
We got a pack show for you on Wednesday.

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Say howdy, partner, to new Buffalo Ranch sauce only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Speaker 3 At participating, McDonald's.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 No place behind a low washing.

Speaker 1 And then I can't blame all on the sun. Oh, no, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.

Speaker 1 And then we'll take

Speaker 1 It's Pardon My Take presented by Barstool Sports. Welcome to Pardon My Take presented by the Cash App.
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Speaker 1 You get five or ten dollars for free, ten dollars to the ASPCA. Today is Wednesday, July 22nd.

Speaker 1 And the next time you hear our voices, we'll be talking about real live sports, baby.

Speaker 3 Let me be the first to wish you all a very merry Sports Eve. I'm so excited.
I am so excited for sports.

Speaker 3 I don't know about you, but just even recording Sunday Night's Show when it's like sports are coming back.

Speaker 3 That's like a natural cocaine that I've got in my system right now.

Speaker 1 I also am realizing now that this is when Hank always laughs at us, how like starting around August 1st, we do like 16 different shows that say football is back.

Speaker 1 This is our second straight show of saying sports are back without sports actually being back.

Speaker 3 Well, it is Sports Eve. I think

Speaker 1 it's not back, but it is.

Speaker 3 I feel like this counts.

Speaker 3 And the irony in all this is, if this were last year or the year before, usually, you know, mid to late July, that's when we're coming on the show and we're like, well, there was some regular season baseball yesterday.

Speaker 3 Not a lot to get into, so let's dive into guys on chicks. Now it's like, holy shit, sports are almost back.

Speaker 3 I would kill an elephant with my bare hands just to have one inner league baseball game going on.

Speaker 1 And we're going to get some baseball on Thursday night. We're going to stay in the studio, watch the game.
We'll record after the game, so we'll have a real breakdown of actual sports.

Speaker 1 So before we get to that, we still have two more days to get through, and we have the NBA bubble has been debuted.

Speaker 1 Was that the right word? It's just basically been a bunch of people, the journalists who are allowed in the bubble now get the primo content and they're like, look at what the court looks like.

Speaker 1 And everyone's like, oh, fuck, a basketball court.

Speaker 3 It was not a debut.

Speaker 3 It was first first look first look because when you had when you put out the video you had to title it first look nba court it's surrounded by jumbotrons on all sides you might even call it a great wall yep that's around the court uh i just like interesting i just like seeing dactronics everywhere that just makes me feel better and it has uh i think so depending on what team is it technically home they're gonna have like the home team's graphics because i saw that it looked like a heat themed court so that was when they're gonna be home.

Speaker 1 The whole thing is going to be crazy.

Speaker 1 I actually think it's not going to be that weird to start, but once we get into like the conference finals, it's going to be fucking bizarre to have like games go on with no fans and just like big, big moments happen to

Speaker 1 20 people

Speaker 1 in the room, basically Brian Winhorse and the bench players cheering.

Speaker 1 I do, I am a little jealous of the people who are in the bubble just because they do get all these scoops and they get to be like, new bubble scoop. Everything is a story in the bubble.

Speaker 1 Myers Leonard chugged a beer. That's a story.
Dwight Howard doesn't think vaccines are real. That's a story.

Speaker 3 Jimmy Butler got the cops called on him because he was dribbling the ball in his hotel room at 1 a.m.

Speaker 1 That's a story.

Speaker 1 Players caught fish. Players caught fish.

Speaker 1 The Spurs went on a boat. That's a story.

Speaker 1 We are craving sports content so much that they are just sitting on a gold mine of stories.

Speaker 1 You got to think that there's, we should actually do a quick list who's most mad that they're not getting these stories. I mean, Ravel's number one.
Ravel, yeah, he was there.

Speaker 1 First look, he also should be there. He stepped in it today by tweeting out a wood meme.
Did you see that? He deleted it right away.

Speaker 3 Well, I saw that, so that's what we said on this show a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we said that.

Speaker 3 No, no, no, we said that wood, the meme guys, should be in the stands as a cardboard cutout, and somebody sent him a Photoshop of Wood in the stands. He was like, this looks real.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to do something. I'm going to do something I rarely do.

Speaker 1 I'm going to actually defend Ravel because i screenshot it when he did it then he deleted it then i tweeted it and he's he wrote uh glad you got it and people assumed revell was saying that he knew the joke and he was in on the joke no he was saying i'm glad i screenshotted it he did not see it he fucked up no because he would not have deleted it if he had done that on correct although that would be like a next level thing right there is to tweet it out then delete it knowing that you would get more eyes on it the streisand effect yes uh that is beyond darren revell's scope of imagination he doesn't have object permanent.

Speaker 3 He's like a dog when you had a tennis ball behind your back.

Speaker 1 Shefty, definitely mad he's not in the bubble getting these scoops. Yep.

Speaker 3 I would go.

Speaker 1 Is Windhorse in the bubble? I mean, Woge. Woge, yeah.
But Woj just...

Speaker 3 Wooge had all. You know what? The first look is beneath Woge to tweet that out.

Speaker 5 I know who number one is. It's Wob.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Wob is definitely upset that he's not in the bubble getting these because this is just primo content.
You know what?

Speaker 1 I wouldn't be surprised, though, if Woge, when he comes back, he has like a time-stamped notarized public, notary public, like stamped, stamped. I had these scoops before everyone else.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like this is the time that I had this scoop. Oh, yeah, everyone else.
Like, he's just been collecting scoops.

Speaker 3 Roach probably has a list of every player's name and what they're going to have on the back of their jersey ready to go that he's had notarized. You know, I was thinking about it earlier today.

Speaker 3 This would be, it would be so LeBron if he came out with a James Sr. on the back of his jersey.

Speaker 3 If he did three, yeah, if he did just a little update to his jersey, or just father of three.

Speaker 1 Very tasteful. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Father of, and then Roman numerals, probably I, I, I. Yes.

Speaker 5 Oh, me.

Speaker 1 What else do we have?

Speaker 1 Dr. Fauci is throwing out the first pitch on Thursday night.

Speaker 3 He better not bounce it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He better not bounce it.

Speaker 3 He's in good shape.

Speaker 1 He's in good shape, but he's up there in age.

Speaker 3 He's not the tallest guy. Trump's going to be in the dugout just banging a trash can.

Speaker 5 They said he was a diehard Nationals fan, but I don't know.

Speaker 3 We'll take some more junk from Fauci.

Speaker 5 Can you be a Die Hard Nationals fan?

Speaker 3 He's from New York. Yes, we can.
There are dozens of us, Hank. We're like the never-new.

Speaker 5 But it's such a new team.

Speaker 3 Well, it's been around for 14 years, 15 years, ish.

Speaker 1 Right, so he was like 60.

Speaker 3 He could have been an Expos fan before. You never know.
He probably was. He could have been a Senators fan.
He was probably a Senators fan back in the day before it moved to Texas and to Minnesota.

Speaker 1 He's just happy that sports are back, I think. Dr.
Fauci, at least when Dr. Fauci is throwing out the first pitch, he can't be saying that football can't happen for those like 30 seconds.

Speaker 3 Or if he does, you won't be able to see his lips moving because he'll be wearing a mask.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 3 So that'll be good. Did you say that Fauci was a senator?

Speaker 5 No, a Senators fan.

Speaker 1 Okay, Saunders fans.

Speaker 3 Gotcha. Gotcha.
Yes. I was going to have to fact-check that.

Speaker 1 Okay, so yeah, that's pretty much all we got. Wait, it's Sports Eve Eve.

Speaker 5 NFL's figuring it out.

Speaker 1 NFL is figuring it out.

Speaker 1 I think everyone sat down and was like, this is stupid. Like, we can't be the...

Speaker 1 NFL's going to happen.

Speaker 1 Again, they're the one league that can't even pretend that they care about player safety.

Speaker 3 So just fucking play.

Speaker 3 And there might be a little silver lining behind this, which is if indeed college sports don't happen, and again, we're all very much rooting for it to happen if it's safe, if there's no college football on Saturdays, they're probably going to play a lot of NFL games on Saturdays, in which case, if you're the Falcons, you have to play every home game so that you can serve that Chick-fil-A out of the stadium.

Speaker 1 That would be a big, big plus for me.

Speaker 1 All right, so let's get to hot seat cool throw and then we'll get to Creed Bratton.

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Speaker 1 Hank, why don't you kick us off? Billy, do you have a hot seat cool to run? Yep. All right, cool.
So we'll be ready for yours.

Speaker 5 My hot seat is the Marlins. They're just taking ricochet shots pretty much every night.
Every time they ask players, what's it like to play in front of no fans?

Speaker 5 Everyone's just like, well, it's like playing in Miami.

Speaker 1 Hey, have you heard about this?

Speaker 3 It shouldn't be too much of a change for the Chargers.

Speaker 1 Right. Chargers canceled all season ticket holders this past week.

Speaker 1 They called those three people.

Speaker 5 Also,

Speaker 1 and that was the Colbert report.

Speaker 5 Al Tuve and Alex Bregman, they might have thought they got away with it after everyone hopefully forgot about the whole cheating scandal. They both got hit consecutively today,

Speaker 5 so they're kind of just fucked. Good.

Speaker 3 Yes, I'm fine with that. They're fine, right? They didn't get severely injured.

Speaker 1 No, we don't.

Speaker 3 Good. Okay, I'm fine with it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 And then my cool thing.

Speaker 3 I just want them to be waking up extremely sore every morning.

Speaker 3 Is that bad for me to wish that as a sports fan? No. I just want them to be mildly inconvenienced by like 88-mile-an-hour fastballs.

Speaker 5 My cool throne is live sports. So you guys might think, you know, we said sports coming back in two days, but they're actually back today, Wednesday.
Oh.

Speaker 5 It's not going to be basketball. It's not going to be baseball.
It's not going to be football. It's going to be Jenga.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 5 We're live streaming. We're doing a giveaway.
We put the Knotted Drug Guy shirts on sale. We're going to be giving away 10 Notted Drug Guy shirts.
People, if they can guess,

Speaker 5 so it's going to be PFT and Kate from Barstool, and then first Nick and KB, who wear Big Cat's.

Speaker 1 Also from Barstool?

Speaker 5 Yeah, they work with Big Cat and the Yak. I don't know how you would describe them to someone that doesn't know them.

Speaker 1 You just say them.

Speaker 3 Tweedle D and Tweedle Smart. Yeah, you just don't.

Speaker 5 They're going at it. Two on two, Jenga, 330, PMT Twitch.

Speaker 5 If you can guess the team that wins and then the person that picks the losing block and how many total blocks, you will win a not-a-drug guy t-shirt.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Okay.

Speaker 5 330. Big Cat will be on the call.
Jake Marsh, Jeff D. Lowe, part of my take Twitch.

Speaker 1 By the way, I just realized, like, how offensive

Speaker 1 is it that we keep talking about sports being back? And MLS has been back for like two weeks. Yeah.
They get no respect.

Speaker 1 And I'm fine.

Speaker 3 Their tournament is called the MLS is back tournament.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're trying to make us say MLS spectrum. They're even playing games at like 9 a.m.
Yeah. And I still haven't watched them.

Speaker 3 You know what? I've watched a couple of them. It's exactly what you think it would be.

Speaker 1 Nobody's going to be able to do it. There's nobody in the stands.
Not for me.

Speaker 3 It's like a Chargers game out there.

Speaker 1 Well, did you hear about the second stage? And the season ticket holders?

Speaker 3 I don't know. I know with Jaylen.

Speaker 1 Did you hear about the season ticket holders?

Speaker 1 They canceled the season tickets this week. Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Both of them? Yep.

Speaker 1 And tune in next week for late night with Katie Nolan.

Speaker 1 All right. Go ahead, PFT.

Speaker 1 Hot seat.

Speaker 3 My hot seat. I got two of them.
One is professionalism because the Dallas stars have announced that they're not going to be wearing suits in the hockey bubble. Ooh.

Speaker 3 They're going to be showing up wearing. They're going to be looking Daniel Jones chic, which is wearing like a Brooks Brothers shirt and nice jeans.

Speaker 1 Speaking of booties, did you see Daniel Jones' booty? He's got a nice ass boot.

Speaker 3 How many Zucks is that? Nice ass.

Speaker 1 Probably two and a half Zucks.

Speaker 3 That's like the Zuck Zuck 7,000.

Speaker 1 Daniel Jones got a nice booty.

Speaker 3 I have not seen it, but yeah.

Speaker 1 Booty watch.

Speaker 3 You know what? Real swag is no swag.

Speaker 3 And if you really work out, and if you're a student of the game and student of the weight room, you probably have a big ass and might not have the popcorn muscles, like the bench press muscles.

Speaker 3 So my other hot seat, actually, that's my only hot seat because Hank stole my other one. My cool throne is Glory Holes.
Oh, I saw this.

Speaker 3 So I believe this is the government of Toronto is saying they're encouraging glory hole use to encourage social distancing so you don't get any like respiratory droplets on you whilst having sex with a stranger in a bathroom.

Speaker 3 You just put your dick through the hole.

Speaker 3 Sure. Yeah, let's do it.
Yeah. Why not? Let's bring back glory holes because there's one thing that sex is missing at times, and that's just the thrill of not knowing who you're having sex with.

Speaker 1 Have glory holes even, I wouldn't even say that they're gone by the wayside. I feel like I've never seen a glory hole in person.

Speaker 3 I've seen one or two, but they're in very, very shady. Which side were you on?

Speaker 3 I was on the standing up side. Okay.
They should make Jeremy Rodick testify.

Speaker 1 The guy was seven feet tall.

Speaker 3 They should make Jeremy Rodick testify in a glory hole, and he should have to just stand there with his

Speaker 3 dick through the wall. And if he enjoys it, then guess what, Jeremy? Your fucking lawsuit's getting thrown out.
If you really hate it, then yep, we can proceed. Yep.
So, yeah, glory hole.

Speaker 3 They should actually do a glory hole for the handshake lines in the playoffs. They should bring out just like a plexiglass thing.

Speaker 1 You just get your hands through there.

Speaker 3 That's got maybe like 15 or 16 holes in it so the guys can

Speaker 3 shake hands at the end of the series because I don't think it's going to happen this year.

Speaker 1 No. They might do fist bumps, elbows.

Speaker 3 Not the same. Yeah, not the same.

Speaker 1 Not the same, especially when the goalies get the little like extra. They do a little extra juice.
Really shake hands.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 My hot seats is uh your iphone i don't know if you guys had the same thought but i my iphone on saturday started like rapidly losing battery getting way overheated and i've just it's been crap the last few days and then i googled it because i was like oh i should probably get a new one oh weird iphone 12 coming out soon oh it's fucking every single time i don't understand how they're able to get away with this steve jobs man like i i had the thought i was like ah i really could use a new iphone oh you mean there's like the iphone 12 just got leaked a day ago no way it's gotten to the point where i would almost rather have a gas powered phone one that one that i have to go to a gas station and fill up with like ten dollars worth of juice per week as opposed to having to trade my phone in every exactly one every like what is it 19 20 months yes is when they really start to drain what i really want to know is uh someone out there who has like an iphone six does the battery come back do they then leave?

Speaker 1 They're like, all right, we're done fucking with the last two or three iterations of iPhone. Like, we can just move on to the next one.
Like,

Speaker 1 is there a way where there's someone out there who's waited it out and your iPhone, your iPhone 6 or 7 sucked for a while, and then when they got to 10, 11, 12, it started being good again?

Speaker 3 It turned back on like in Independence Day when the mothership got back to the earth?

Speaker 1 They were like, yeah, we're done. We don't need to fuck with these iPhone 6s anymore.
No one has them. So someone tweet us something.
I don't even know, do they have Twitter for iPhone on iPhone 6?

Speaker 3 Probably not.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so do send us an, I don't know what, somehow get in touch with us through your MySpace us from your iPhone 6. You know what I've thought? Or who's got the oldest?

Speaker 1 Someone prove your oldest iPhone that is still out there. I used to have a friend who had like an iPhone 5, I want to say, up until like a year and a half ago.
That was impressive.

Speaker 3 You know what? I've got an ESPN phone, and I think that those came out in 2002, 2003. People don't give the ESPN phone enough credit because it was essentially an iPhone before an iPhone.

Speaker 3 It was the first phone to imagine internet technology, being able to watch sports highlights, watch video. But the problem was they made it just like exclusive to ESPN products.

Speaker 3 So people are so obsessed with our company that they'll check in only for us on their phone. And the digital network obviously sucked.
It was like 2G, but

Speaker 3 2G didn't give anyone coronavirus. So in many ways, it was a lot stronger for what we have today.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, so the iPhones, I'm sure everyone's noticed it's going to happen. Your iPhone's probably just gonna blow up.

Speaker 3 It was like hot to the touch. I actually think that Steve Jobs or whoever's in charge of Apple is somewhere in a lair and they have a bar.
They've got a bar graph and when it dips down below like

Speaker 3 30 or 20% of people still out there, like they they have it planned out to maximize their new iPhone sales when they can tell how good or how bad everyone's battery life is.

Speaker 3 So they hit the switch, they're like, okay, drop the 12.

Speaker 1 I also saw in the new iPhone 12, it's got four cameras, which I don't know like I think they're just doing it to be like how many cameras can you break like I

Speaker 1 two out of three of my cameras are broken yeah I can't be responsible for four case well yeah because I'm a dre an adrenaline junkie dude what about not a pussy like you who's like oh I'm gonna fucking make sure there's a case on my iPhone what about the people that freaked out when there were three holes three cameras yeah no those are those people are are in the clear the trip that triphobics yeah

Speaker 1 now we now we got the perfect square but it seriously is like, how many more things can we put on this to break?

Speaker 3 I hope they make it a little bit like off-center with the different camera holes so it still fucks with those people.

Speaker 1 All right, so, oh, and my cool throne is

Speaker 1 Carmelo Anthony and the many iterations of Carmelo Anthony. You've heard of Olympics Mellow.
You've heard of Hoodie Mellow. He's now Slim Mellow.
So he actually does look skinny. And it's crazy.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say something nice about Carmelo Anthony. It is crazy to watch him in practice and just realize how fucking good he is at scoring.

Speaker 1 Like, everything else, maybe not there anymore, but he's just, he's a walking bucket. So, Slim Mellow is here.

Speaker 1 Goodbye, Hoodie Mellow. Goodbye, Olympics Mellow.
It's Slim Mellow season.

Speaker 3 This is actually the perfect environment for Carmelo Anthony because when does he perform at his best? In the Olympics, right?

Speaker 3 When the athletes are confined to a certain type of village with each other, living under the bubble in a forbidden city, if you will. And this is exactly what's happening in Orlando right.

Speaker 3 I am rooting so hard for Mello to play well. I don't know what it is about him, but I feel like everyone that's a casual NBA fan is absolutely behind him.

Speaker 3 We want to see Mellow go out there and score like 35 points, right?

Speaker 1 Meh.

Speaker 3 Why?

Speaker 3 You mad because he did Chicago?

Speaker 1 No, I just don't. I don't care.
I don't think about him that much. I mean, I'm sure he...

Speaker 1 He could be fine. I don't care.

Speaker 3 It'd just be sick to see Carmelo go out there and dominate one series in his playoffs. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I guess I just don't see it happening. But yeah, if it happened, it would be a good story.

Speaker 1 Slim Mellow, though. He's looking good.
Billy, you ready? You've done a great job of not talking. Thank you.

Speaker 1 William our Soy Man Football.

Speaker 3 My hot seat is Madden every year.

Speaker 3 The Madden ratings come out, and there's always quite an uproar on certain ratings. Lil Wayne

Speaker 3 chimed in. Yeah, we saw this from the update.

Speaker 3 Billy sent us another great packet today for today's show with a list of the 10/14 things that we need to talk about and uh he included everything that we didn't talk about from last time including Lil Wayne's tweet about the Madden ratings being absurd from July 14th yeah so this was I do like this that you think that the things we passed over were just we missed them Karens don't like adults hot seat whales oh

Speaker 3 the first recorded shark attack on a whale nice where it drowned the whale underwater

Speaker 3 was recorded a shark named Helen drowned a whale off the coast of Massachusetts.

Speaker 3 Why are they erasing the whale's name and all this?

Speaker 1 Wait, why is the shark named Helen?

Speaker 3 I'm not sure, but they track sharks because

Speaker 3 it's good to track great white sharks, especially during beach season, to make sure that there's no shark attacks.

Speaker 3 So they know the shark, but they don't know the whale.

Speaker 1 I love when we get like nature killings like this and people are like, oh my god, like it's the poor whale. It got eaten.
And it's like, coronavirus deaths, 140,000. Who cares? It's fucking hoax.

Speaker 3 Now, what they really should have done is they should.

Speaker 1 Was it the whales? No, I don't care about nature. Like, I care about nature.
I don't care about natural selection in the world. Like,

Speaker 1 a zebra getting mauled by a tiger is what should be happening. What about...
I'm not like, oh my god, that poor zebra, his name was probably, like, butchy, and he had a family and everything.

Speaker 1 Who the fuck cares?

Speaker 3 What about when a Midwestern dentist fulfills his name?

Speaker 1 That's fucked up, yes.

Speaker 1 When humans get involved, it's different.

Speaker 3 See, I think that they should have named this whale posthumously. Did I say that right? Posthumously? Posthumously.
Posthumously.

Speaker 3 Because then you get that, because it's from the New York Post, and the Post has mastered the art of getting the quote tweets. They're on a fucking roll when it comes to that.

Speaker 3 If they had given this whale a name, then they could get in on that sweet Harambe action.

Speaker 1 Willie the Whale.

Speaker 3 Yeah, people would say R.I.P. or Sweet Prince Willie.

Speaker 1 William the Whale. New York.
Got fucking murdered in plain

Speaker 1 broad daylight. Billy the Whale.
We could only be so lucky.

Speaker 3 Billy the Whale got murdered because it got too fat over the summer.

Speaker 1 Billy the Whale got murdered, and the last thing he said was, People are really mad about Madden ratings.

Speaker 1 My cool throne. He's doing a great job of taking it, too.
Like, you're fucking

Speaker 1 crushing it, dude. You're crushing it.

Speaker 3 Everyone in the NBA tested negative for the coronavirus.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 3 We should have cool thrown for sports.

Speaker 1 We should have mentioned that. Good job, Billy.
We should have mentioned that. It's good that

Speaker 1 all they were negative.

Speaker 1 I think the bubble works. Bubble works.

Speaker 3 I mean, cool throne honestly, sports could heal the entire world. Sports could figure out a way to solve this coronavirus thing.

Speaker 3 Because if you can test, if you have a test case and a model for how to solve it amongst a given population, you can expand that out. Like, sports might save millions of lives.

Speaker 3 And this is definitely not just me talking insane because I haven't had any sports on TV.

Speaker 1 If the bubble works, why don't we make the world a bubble?

Speaker 3 Kyrie already believes it is. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Think about it, Billy.

Speaker 3 Trying.

Speaker 1 You know what we should do is we should do aggressive testing and tracing, and everyone should wear a mask, and then the world could be a bubble. No, that's crazy.

Speaker 3 That's not stupid. That's stupid.
Let's get back to sports. Stupid.

Speaker 1 My bad, guys.

Speaker 1 All right, let's get to our interview with Creed Bratton. Awesome interview.
One of those ones where I didn't even know his name was Creed Bratton.

Speaker 1 until we had him on, but it actually is Creed Bratton.

Speaker 1 Before we do that, a quick word from what's up, guys? It's Big Cat here making my Irish entrance with proper number 12 Irish whiskey. How do you make an Irish entrance? You ask?

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Okay, here he is, Creed Bratton.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest. It is Creed Bratton.
You know him from the office. He has a new

Speaker 1 album out called Slightly Altered.

Speaker 1 First of all, thank you for joining us, Creed. We appreciate it.

Speaker 1 Thanks for having me, guys. I actually wanted to start with,

Speaker 1 I think I knew this, but I didn't know it fully until we were getting ready for this interview, that your name actually is Creed Bratton. Does that get confusing at all to people

Speaker 1 to have your real name be your character's name?

Speaker 6 No, no, it's a good thing.

Speaker 1 It's a good thing, obviously, yeah.

Speaker 6 Because

Speaker 6 I have a more

Speaker 6 recognizable, for sure.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 3 I guess when people are yelling your name it's better that they're yelling your real name well there are a lot of people on that show that used their real name as their character's name as well right uh well not but yeah but that was angela and uh

Speaker 6 oscar and uh

Speaker 6 trying to think who else phyllis but but they use my they didn't use their last names they just used their first names i used my well they used it greg deniers did that because um of my uh being in the grassroots because uh he he was he utilized several times uh on the show that i was in the grassroots and he wanted to use that rock, that rock thing in there, even though it was in deleted scenes.

Speaker 6 It didn't come out really till the finale, actually.

Speaker 3 So, yeah, you're always listed as playing a fictionalized version of yourself.

Speaker 3 And I've been curious how close to the real Creed Bratton is the Creed Bratton that we got to get glimpses of in the office.

Speaker 1 Right, right.

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 6 as most,

Speaker 6 as most

Speaker 6 actors who

Speaker 6 play characters, you know,

Speaker 6 we're not as funny in real life. Although I find myself rather humorous, actually.

Speaker 6 Steve Corell is just very, very quiet and a calm, gentle soul, and he's hysterically funny when he's in the character of Michael Scott.

Speaker 6 No, I was, there is obviously some of my

Speaker 6 demented rock and roll characteristics in the Creed character, but he is, it's still an actor playing a part at the end of the day, for sure.

Speaker 1 When you were, you know, signed up to be in the office and you guys are going through the seasons, did you have any feeling that it would be as big as it is even today?

Speaker 1 Like, I actually, during quarantine, I just started it back at season one and just watched it. You re-watch it all the time, seen all the episodes a million times, and you can still watch it.

Speaker 1 Did you ever feel like that was happening while it was going on?

Speaker 6 No, I mean, some other people in the show have commented that they knew it. They knew it.

Speaker 6 I didn't know it. I didn't know.
I was just there day to day, just trying to not fuck up my parts

Speaker 6 and do the guy right.

Speaker 6 Until I think we went to an upfront in New York and we're staying at the Plaza Hotel. And they were doing the red carpet stuff.
And you start doing that stuff.

Speaker 6 You start, wait a second, this is like, this is real.

Speaker 6 This is like happening and then people come up to you and market stuff and comment and they see you and they wave and and you then you start it slowly dawned on me that the show was maybe going to make it okay but not to the point that it's part of the zeitgeist which it is now right and not only uh the the people that watched it then but their their younger siblings and stuff are watching it and it just keeps on going it's more popular now on stream i think it's still the most streaming show out there i believe it is Yeah.

Speaker 6 It's astonishing. And so how could anyone

Speaker 6 predict something like that? My goodness.

Speaker 3 During the filming of the show,

Speaker 3 I never really knew what Creed did for a living. I knew he was quality control, right? That was

Speaker 1 your

Speaker 3 quality assurance. Yeah.
I knew that was your job title, but they never really got into the nuts and bolts of what Creed did day in and day out in the office, besides just like sit at his desk.

Speaker 3 Do you know what he did?

Speaker 1 Jack.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he did. I was going to say, do you know what his day-to-day job description was in that show?

Speaker 6 Do you know Dilbert, the cartoon Dilbert?

Speaker 1 Yes, he's been in the news.

Speaker 6 Yeah. He's Creed's Wally.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. He's absolutely Wally.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 He doesn't do anything. He avoids work at all times.

Speaker 6 He never goes. That one time he got, they put the cartoon characters having sex sex on the paper, the paper stock.
He hadn't been to the check on those people in a year.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 6 And then he gets blames on somebody else, you know. Kind of reminds me of somebody else I know now, but I won't be there.

Speaker 1 How have you not secured Creed Thoughts and made that your personal blog?

Speaker 6 Because it was owned by NBC in the beginning.

Speaker 1 Okay. We need that.
You need that. That's the best.

Speaker 6 I would love it. I would love it.
But they did such a great job. I wouldn't do it as well.
Although now, all the

Speaker 6 videos that I'm putting out on Instagram and TikTok and stuff, I'm writing all those. And, you know, obviously, because I have to.

Speaker 1 There's nobody else around.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just typed in creed.com. I know that's not the official site.
I think there was a.gov and something in there, but I'm pretty sure my computer got a virus from that.

Speaker 1 So that's kind of on the nose.

Speaker 6 That's what, if I had one, that's what it would be, you know,

Speaker 3 a phishing scam. Yeah, I love that.

Speaker 6 If they did do a reboot, that's exactly what Creed would have to do. I don't have to be with these guys hacking the rest of the people's computer.

Speaker 3 Creed, I don't know how much weight you pull over at Netflix, but if you could do me a favor

Speaker 3 and tell them, could you please turn down the volume on the intro song? It's always very jarring when it goes from the cold open to the office theme song and then back to the normal volume.

Speaker 3 You have to play some like some volume adjustment Olympics with your remote. So could you just pass that along to them for me?

Speaker 6 You mean when it's going, and now you got bop bop.

Speaker 1 You got it? Yep.

Speaker 1 yeah i know i know that's uh i don't have any pulling extra i wish i did you know i'd lobby for my show yes yeah yes um let's talk a little bit about your other career uh as a musician it's crazy you know reading through uh how long you've been a musician how much music you put out in the world and when you were a musician when you started in the uh you know 1960s late 1960s what was it like you know starting around then when rock and roll and everything's coming up and you're in a scene that, you know, some of the folk scenes and Woodstock, now that you played Woodstock, but that kind of world, what was it like?

Speaker 6 I started playing, I played trumpet from a very young age. And both of my, both sides of my family were musicians.
My grandparents were a semi-professional country and western band.

Speaker 6 I learned guitar, started playing guitar when I was 13, at 17. So I'm 77 now.
So I've been playing professionally. I got my first gig playing with these older guys when I was 17 on lead guitar.

Speaker 6 I've been playing this. I've been playing for 60 years now, guitar.

Speaker 6 And

Speaker 6 so to answer your question, I played with several bands all the way through college, over two years with this folk tree in Europe.

Speaker 6 And then when the grassroots happened, there we were.

Speaker 6 Mount Tamil Pius, Miami Pop Festival, Devonshire Downs, which is arguably one of the biggest at 200,000 people at the time, at every rock band ever, we had that time, Hendrix, everybody.

Speaker 6 It was the summer of love, of course, in the late 60s. It was amazing, guys.

Speaker 6 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 6 We thought we were going to change the world for the better.

Speaker 6 We thought that the message of love and peace was going to be taken on by the establishment, that we're going to stop fighting, that the world would not be Russia and America and

Speaker 6 the different countries, but it would be the world, the planet. We'd all be saying, this is ridiculous.
Why fight? We need to be this Earth. That's what we believed.

Speaker 6 And it still hasn't happened, but I'm still ones that would like to see that occur. I believe that's the only way we're going to, as human beings, are going to exist if we stop this fighting stuff.

Speaker 6 It's ridiculous.

Speaker 1 Do you think it was not enough people did acid back then?

Speaker 6 to change absolutely more drugs would have saved the world.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes. Yes, yes.

Speaker 3 I feel like acid needs to make a comeback right now. I've personally never done acid.
I'm not a drug guy, except if I'm overseas, but I feel like that's one drug that people take.

Speaker 3 And usually like 90% of the time, they're like, yeah, I have a totally different perspective on life and it's better.

Speaker 6 Absolutely. I mean, I don't advocate drugs for any youth at all, but if they're, I certainly had

Speaker 6 some very, very profound.

Speaker 6 and life-changing, but I didn't go into it as an escape.

Speaker 6 I mean, I would, there was, there was certainly cocaine and and alcohol for that. But, but

Speaker 6 when I wanted to do psychedelics, I would literally fast. I'd get myself in a headspace.
I would meditate.

Speaker 6 I would go out by myself, not in a city, but go out in the desert, go up in the mountains, and get by yourself and take it. And certainly

Speaker 6 grok nature, as Robert Heinlein said in Stranger in a Strange Land.

Speaker 3 You get that feeling of like one with the universe?

Speaker 6 Yes. Yes.
It's the most benign feeling there is.

Speaker 6 were you ever were you ever at some of the uh i i know i i read a book a while ago the electric chool-ate acid test and you know the grateful dead were you ever in that scene or around that scene well we when we played mount tamal pious the everybody the audience and the people on stage everybody there was on acid it was there it was just flowing around everybody was handing it out everywhere it was just insane just insane i don't know i remember uh uh

Speaker 6 we were out in uh people's park before a film or show i think this is a famous story but i'll tell it anyway uh a girl comes up to ricky and i the drummer and she's a little you know hippie little tattoo flower on her cheek and a little gingham dress and she goes for you

Speaker 6 and she's got the little white squares with blue dots in them and i'd read the newsweek article so i knew it was acid it was ausley osley acid so i took it

Speaker 6 went to do the show

Speaker 6 started hallucinating on stage uh it was i'm not going to get into it right now but yes there i was there no feel free to get into it that i mean you just told the start of a great story i'd like to hear more about all right all right so i i pop the the acid in we get in the car and ricky says the drummer says that was really nice of that girl we should take this stuff after the show i went yeah

Speaker 6 too late then yeah after the stage we get there we get into our cool rock and owl outfits and walk out on the stage And all of a sudden I'm looking like this and my hands

Speaker 6 are glowing. And there's like rainbow colors between the vortexes of my hand.

Speaker 6 And I'm also going like this. There's this etheric tappy between my hands.
And I'm playing, I'm playing, I'm God's concertina player.

Speaker 6 And

Speaker 6 I hear Bill Graham going, play,

Speaker 6 play,

Speaker 6 but it's much more like, creep,

Speaker 1 play,

Speaker 6 I go

Speaker 6 so I take the guitar and the start of lips today it's there there

Speaker 6 and I hit the notes and

Speaker 6 I look behind me at the speaker and out of the speaker on and I'm so I'm a listening now and there's the notes that I played on staff paper comes out of the speaker and the notes fall off onto the floor and I go, oh, the poor notes.

Speaker 6 So I get down on my hands and knees with a dust, an imaginary dustbin and a broom and I'm sweeping up

Speaker 6 the notes and trying to push them back into my amplifier.

Speaker 1 And I couldn't play.

Speaker 6 I walked, I dropped my pants.

Speaker 1 Sag them out.

Speaker 6 Let that pony dance, gave it some air. I'd heard that based advertise.

Speaker 6 And they were not happy. Bill Graham was certainly not happy.

Speaker 6 I had to come come back the next week and make that show up but uh that was the only time that i ever done anything like that on stage and it was just something that wasn't planned right it was it was just the spur of the moment because again acid was everywhere yeah that getting back to your question again what a life to to be in that whole scene and then be part of like one of the funniest most critically acclaimed shows of all time.

Speaker 1 Geez, you are your Cree Brad. You're Cree Brad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're Cree Brad.

Speaker 3 You made a lot of right, you made a lot of good decisions along the way to lead yourself to that one moment in time.

Speaker 6 I don't think I made them

Speaker 6 myself per se. I believe that I'm intuitive, an intuitive person, not an intellectual person.
I'm always very, very tuned to the voice.

Speaker 1 You know, we all have the inner voice.

Speaker 6 telling us this is the right way to go don't do this it's the wrong way to go many many times people just avoid it we don't pay attention to it i pay very close attention to it to be involved in an era like that and and in a seminal moment and like, you know, some would say rock history like that.

Speaker 3 And then to also later on in life, now you're involved, like a new generation gets to be introduced to you. You just seem like you are in the right place at the right time all the time.

Speaker 1 And that's actually a good quality to have.

Speaker 3 I think that's a very, it's an underestimated quality that some people have in life to just always find themselves in a good position.

Speaker 6 If I thought I was consciously doing that, I'd say, thank you. That's exactly how I planned it.

Speaker 6 But,

Speaker 6 I mean, obviously,

Speaker 6 there's all the

Speaker 6 commentary, the philosophy that you make luck. You make your luck by hard work.
Hard work makes your luck. And I certainly have not been a lazy guy.

Speaker 6 I've always written and stayed in shape. And

Speaker 6 when I was on Bernie Mac and I heard that the director that came on was going to do the office, the little flares went off, the little red lights went off. Boom, you got to do it.

Speaker 6 And really, it's no joke. It was, bap, bap, you got to be on this show.

Speaker 6 and i lobbied i called him up and and and got on that show shot my own character made it happen there's no way that i was going to know that show but i knew that this is someplace i had to be and uh so it yes okay i'll take responsibility for that yes

Speaker 1 following my my intuition yes and now you also have we talk about this uh with guests all the time how they have like an even more of an afterlife from their careers with the gifts and you have a couple that are great, that are always used on Twitter.

Speaker 1 The Ride the Bull one,

Speaker 1 the dark hair.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So you have a couple of those screenshots or GIFs that basically will just live forever and people use all the time and you become a cult classic.

Speaker 6 I don't know. What can you say? I'm so lucky.
I'm just so lucky. And

Speaker 6 I just hope I keep making the right moves and don't fuck this up.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Can you do a cartwheel?

Speaker 3 Fuck, you do a fucking cartwheel.

Speaker 1 Can you do one?

Speaker 6 No, of course I can.

Speaker 1 You can, yeah, of course, I can. Okay, all right.
Well, that was your New Year's resolution, or yeah, it was your New Year's resolution. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 And that's the thing people always yell at me from the audience. And you have to understand when I'm on stage playing my acoustic guitar,

Speaker 6 I and I know that if I don't get this out of the way, I'll be playing that song from the finale.

Speaker 6 All the faces, a beautiful song at the end.

Speaker 6 And people will be going, Do a cartwheel, boom boom body you know which one's pam so i tell them early in the show just scream out all your creed stuff and get it out of the way and they do and i say okay you're happy now all right now let's let's proceed with the show yes do you think did you watch every episode of the office as it came out no i haven't seen them all actually

Speaker 6 really don't don't shoot me well i'm yeah i'm writing i read a lot of read a lot of books i'm a voracious reader so i have any extra time i'm going to be reading you know or playing guitar or writing songs.

Speaker 1 Give us some books.

Speaker 3 What are you reading right now? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, gosh, what have I got right now up here? We're big readers. I read one book.

Speaker 6 Anna Alexevich, Secondhand Time.

Speaker 1 Ooh, gosh.

Speaker 6 The Magic Mountain, Thomas Mann.

Speaker 6 Marcus Aurelius, Meditation. Well, that's my stoic philosophy.
I read that all the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's actually

Speaker 1 the gentleman's

Speaker 3 philosophy reference we've had in this show in the last week. That's incredible.

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 6 I've been for

Speaker 1 Eric Abel,

Speaker 6 was my tour manager. Now he's my agent.

Speaker 6 We'd listen to Tim Ferriss on the road. And he had a guy in there and he started talking about stoic philosophy.
This is years ago when I first started touring. And it really struck home to me.

Speaker 6 This is something, by the way, that I wish I had when I was your guy's age, stoic philosophy, because it's a grounding philosophy. It just gets rid of all the bullshit.
And yeah, now I read Seneca,

Speaker 6 Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus,

Speaker 6 the big boys, you know, and it never lets me down. It's really good stuff.

Speaker 3 Out of the episodes of The Office that you have watched, what would be your top three cold openings? Best intros?

Speaker 6 Obviously, I loved when I got to be the manager. That's just selfish, you know, sort of the keys to nobody.
No, that's not my favorite.

Speaker 6 the one, uh, my gosh, uh, where we're all where we have this, this music's playing, I'm playing guitar, and Kate's got her the thing written on her belly, and everyone's jumping up.

Speaker 6 That's that, that's was a one-shot deal. That was, that's pretty amazing.

Speaker 6 Oh, gosh, cold openings.

Speaker 6 I guess what about the scene where the

Speaker 6 Dwight fetches the fire?

Speaker 1 That's not a fair. Yeah, yep, that's probably the go.
That would be

Speaker 1 the funniest damn thing ever. Yes.

Speaker 6 And

Speaker 6 maybe, I don't know. There's so many Steve Corell moments where he like Prison Mike or he comes in the big outfit.
Him and Amy Ryan are doing the dance and singing.

Speaker 6 We were biting our cheeks not to laugh on that one.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. So Cree Bratton, slightly altered.
His album is out now. Are you going to get, do you think you're going to get back on tour anytime soon? Or

Speaker 1 what's the...

Speaker 6 Yeah, guys, guys, I've turned. I had to cancel twice to go to Australia and New Zealand because of fires.

Speaker 6 And then they said, you can come down, but we'll have oxygen tanks by the side of the stage because there's so much smoke in this place. I said, no, that's okay.
I need to breathe to sing. Thank you.

Speaker 6 Then now, of course, the pandemic. And so now I'm planning to go back down in March.
It may or may not happen. And then in May, I want to go back because I toured last year.

Speaker 6 I had a great tour of Europe and England and Ireland this time.

Speaker 6 We'll see. I miss playing for the fans because obviously that's what I live for is getting up on stage.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, my last question isn't even a question.
I just want to say congratulations on the new dog, Iggy Pup. Who you

Speaker 6 Iggy Pup. Iggy Pup, my friend Linda's dog.
Okay. She's a friend of mine, but I went over there a day to meet him.
And you saw that look, if you go close up on those little eyes, he is an old soul.

Speaker 6 He's the sweetest little guy.

Speaker 1 That's the acid kicking in, Creed. You start looking in the dog's eyes, and you're like, I've known you.
Have I met you before? Yeah. Well,

Speaker 6 I haven't met him before because

Speaker 6 he's trying to become a human.

Speaker 1 I'm going to look him up right now, real quick.

Speaker 3 Let me be the judge of this dog's eyes.

Speaker 1 Creed is on Instagram, yeah. Iggy pup.
Okay, Creed Bratton. It's on my Instagram.
Also, by the way, we do. I do agree.

Speaker 6 That's the cutest damn dog.

Speaker 1 That is a very cute dog.

Speaker 1 We do Mount Rushmore uh when sports aren't going on in uh on this show and we did mount rushmore office characters and hank our producer picked you with his first round pick

Speaker 1 crazy hank crazy he's the biggest product fan you deserve it i agree this dog does have an old soul this dog is looking at me like it's seen some yeah it sees it looks right through you right yeah it's yeah it's you know what it's judging me and it's a doggy that's a grounded dog yes well thank you so so much.

Speaker 1 Everyone, go out and get Creed's new album, slightly altered. Thank you so much.
Really appreciate this.

Speaker 6 Hey, guys. Thanks.
I enjoyed talking with both of you. It was fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Hope to see you when you come to New York on your next tour sometime, too.

Speaker 1 Oh, last time I was there, I played the

Speaker 6 High Line Ballroom. That was my second time there.
I had a great show.

Speaker 6 But it's closed now, I believe. I think they closed the High Line, unfortunately.
But I'll find another venue to play when I can play.

Speaker 3 When you come back to New York, I will be there. See you, Creed.

Speaker 3 That interview with Creed Bratton was brought to you.

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Speaker 1 Okay, let's get some segments.

Speaker 1 Let's do our Mount Rushmore. We're going to do it.
Mount Rushmore of things that happened since quarantine started.

Speaker 1 Since sports were gone, because sports are going to be back by Friday, we're already going to have sports back. So we figured we would do this.

Speaker 1 It's basically the, oh my God, that happened in the last four months. Mount Rushmore.

Speaker 3 I just came up with a terrible poem. Would you like to hear it? Sure.

Speaker 3 Twas the night before sports again and all through the house. We were awaiting the first pitch from the good Dr.
Fouch.

Speaker 1 Ooh, nice. Right, boom.
You should tweet that.

Speaker 3 Should I? Yeah. No, that's not going to do well.
Billy, you tweet that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Billy, you tweeted and spoke.

Speaker 3 But Billy, you have to wait until tomorrow to tweet it out because it's not Sports Eve yet.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 All right, should we do it? Hank, you want to start? So this is the Mount Rushmore of things that happened since sports were canceled. And then Billy's going to do a bonus Mount Rushmore,

Speaker 1 Mount Rushmore of soy-based products not a soy boy not because he's a soy boy soy man it's just that he knows them in and out soy based products

Speaker 5 uh this is a twofer for the people to start wait what what kind of it's you can't simultaneously hold on it's not snake draft

Speaker 3 not snake you can't do two to start trying to do a two-headed snake draft

Speaker 3 one but it's two no that's not fair all right so you gotta pick one say your first and then we'll we'll determine whether or not you get to say a second gronk sign with the Bucs. That's one.

Speaker 3 Okay, you were going to say Tom Brady signed. No.

Speaker 1 Nope. No, I know what he's going to say, but I have that too.

Speaker 1 And that shouldn't be,

Speaker 1 that shouldn't be a twofer. All right, fine.
Okay, PFT first pick.

Speaker 3 Easy first pick. That's going to go with Tiger King.

Speaker 1 Tiger King, remember that?

Speaker 3 We got the painting up there from Chilling with Chills.

Speaker 1 Okay. All right, I'll go easy first pick off that.

Speaker 1 Remember Tiger King? Because like a month ago, it was like, remember how long ago Tiger King was?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, that was a long time ago, too.

Speaker 1 That absolutely counts. It does count.
I don't think that's a good thing. That absolutely counts.

Speaker 3 But I think it counts.

Speaker 1 That absolutely counts. We've been doing Remember Tiger King for so long that you can brush more is.

Speaker 1 But you can remember.

Speaker 1 Remember. Fine.
You don't want to cut. No, no, you know,

Speaker 1 you said it. You said it.
What you said. You can't do it.
You don't want to do it. No, what you want to do? No, I'm going to say

Speaker 1 my pick. Fine.
Go ahead. Your pick.

Speaker 3 Your first two picks.

Speaker 1 My first two picks.

Speaker 1 So many people have been being like, remember Tiger King? That is now old. Like, the remember Tiger King people have been doing that for fucking two months now.
I know what you're saying.

Speaker 1 Tiger King was four months ago.

Speaker 3 I'm going to allow it as a pick. I'm not saying it's a great pick.

Speaker 1 What pick? Why do you give me that face?

Speaker 1 Why do you give me that fucking face? Give me the face again. I can do the real pick.

Speaker 1 Hey, I've got one. And now explain the face.

Speaker 3 I've got one from an ex-pic. Remember, remember, remember Tiger King?

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay, you can do that. That's fine.

Speaker 1 There has been so much time that has elapsed that doing Remember Tiger King tweets have now expired. That's literally how long it's been.

Speaker 1 There was a whole fucking month where people would be like, dude, remember Tiger King?

Speaker 3 But it's still a thing that happened in quarantine.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 3 I'm saying, I think it's more than worthy of my top pick, if not the one overall.

Speaker 1 I'm saying I'm remembering how we did a whole month of Remembering Tiger King, which was stupid in itself.

Speaker 3 I just wouldn't use that as like my fourth pick if I were you.

Speaker 1 That's fine. Soy milk.
Soy milk milk. You get two.

Speaker 3 Are you saying that you are milk in Spanish? Are you

Speaker 1 product?

Speaker 1 Who knows?

Speaker 3 It's a legume, I think.

Speaker 1 No one knows. All right, go ahead.
Number two. Tofu.
Okay, good one. Gross.
All right. My second one will be.

Speaker 1 Wait, what did you pick? Gronk?

Speaker 5 I'll do Tom Brady of the Bucks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's fine. Tom Brady.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know what your other one was.

Speaker 5 Then why don't you do it?

Speaker 1 Because I think Tom Brady of the Bucks was even longer and, like, holy shit, that happened before sports canceled? Or after sports were canceled? All right. Okay.
I mean,

Speaker 1 you're going to say Leroy retiring.

Speaker 1 Do you remember that? You can take that. You can have my good dog.

Speaker 5 That wasn't it.

Speaker 3 Yes, it was. Yeah, it was.

Speaker 3 My second one is going to be Earl Thomas' entanglement.

Speaker 1 Remember that?

Speaker 3 Remember that? That was like a few months ago. That was a wild fucking story.
Yeah. His incest entanglement with his brother.

Speaker 1 Was that before sports were canceled? I mean, after sports were canceled?

Speaker 3 That was absolutely... Okay.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's, yeah, time doesn't exist anymore. Time doesn't exist anymore.
All right, Hank.

Speaker 3 Zoom happy hours.

Speaker 5 Remember when people try to make that a thing? Everyone acted like, oh, we don't see our friends, so let's do a happy hour on Zoom.

Speaker 5 And then that, like, and then I think people did it for like a week or two.

Speaker 3 Everyone realized it sucked. Yeah.
The novelty of being like, oh, hey, look at us. We're drinking alcohol using software that we normally use at work.
That wore off.

Speaker 1 This is my background. It's cool as the bar.

Speaker 3 Hey, Slack sexed me real quick. Yeah.

Speaker 5 And then my next one will be Murder Hornets.

Speaker 3 What was it?

Speaker 1 Murder Hornets? Murder Hornets.

Speaker 3 I'm fucking terrified. They're so scary.

Speaker 1 They're all hidden. There's a lot of shit I don't remember.
Okay. That's good.
That's a good pick. I forgot about that.
Thanks. Yeah.
No problem.

Speaker 1 My next one

Speaker 3 is going to be

Speaker 3 just the NFL draft.

Speaker 3 You guys remember the NFL draft? Yeah. Remember Roger Goodell getting fucked up in his man cave?

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 3 Taking off his doing like a strip draft where by the end of it he was just like basically wearing a G-string and crushing like a thousand M ⁇ Ms in a handful.

Speaker 5 As a preeminent football podcast, we cannot let Roger Goodell back out of his Man Cave donation thing because Dave, like, someone has to do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, some Marlins Man. Marlon's Man has to do with it.

Speaker 1 They can't just forget about that.

Speaker 3 Did they cancel the entire thing?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 5 Marlon's Man said he was in second place and then he hasn't come forward and said he won. So they can't just be like, oh, Dave, you're canceled.

Speaker 3 Can you text Marlins Man and find out if they've reached out to him? Sure, let's see. Because

Speaker 3 that would be a breaking news on our part.

Speaker 1 Good one. All right.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I'll go with, we talked about at at the beginning of the show,

Speaker 1 wood memes when they were just, that was all anyone could text for about a week and a half. It was more than that.
It was probably three weeks.

Speaker 1 Just that dude's big fucking cock, every fucking text you opened, every link you clicked on. And everyone has that one friend who held on for a little too long.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the one friend that started making their own wood memes?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but then they like.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to. He's a friend of mine, so I'm not going to say his name, but I have a friend.
Well, no one knows him.

Speaker 1 I have a friend in Chicago who's, I think as of like three days ago still sent me one. Yeah, and it's like it's tough to have that conversation being like dude It's been over

Speaker 1 stop I'm trying to remember when I got my last wood meme.

Speaker 3 I believe it was

Speaker 3 It was probably over a month ago, which I feel like that's the acceptable time if you my problem if you're still sending wood memes in July Then you you have an issue then you're making your own at home you've got your own like setup where you've got you purchased a Photoshop subscription just to Photoshop this guy's cock onto things Yes.

Speaker 5 I had a group text where I was sending a lot of the ones that you guys are sending because I thought they were funny.

Speaker 5 And then that basically brought them into the fold and then now they're still going with it.

Speaker 5 So I feel partly responsible because it's like I brought you guys into this world and you haven't picked up on the fact that

Speaker 3 so then their clock started behind everybody else's right. So it's still going strong.

Speaker 3 Hank, do you think that they think that you invented the wood memes because you introduced them?

Speaker 1 Probably. Potentially, yeah.

Speaker 5 I mean, not big internet guys, so they're just like, what do you keep sending this guy's big-ass dick?

Speaker 1 You should start predicting things. Be like, this year, I guarantee you that Mark Zuckerberg will have a big ass.
And then, like, in six months, be like, look at this picture.

Speaker 1 Billy, your last two soy-based products, but you're not a soy boy.

Speaker 1 Safritas.

Speaker 1 Okay. That's potlay.
Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 3 That should be number one. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And anamame.

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 3 Okay. I would act, you don't have soy sauce on your list.
That's kind of weird. Soy sauce is delicious.
Too obvious.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
All right. my last pick will be the last dance.
And being like, oh, yeah, the last dance, like, this is coming out at the perfect time. It will get us to the end of quarantine.

Speaker 1 And then that was like, what, two months ago? Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 It's now on on Netflix. Oh, wait, I had two.

Speaker 1 I only did one

Speaker 3 last time around. You probably should have thought of that.
That's on you. That's on you.
That's on you.

Speaker 1 That's on you. Oh, yeah.
Don't worry, you can do Leroy Retiring.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you can do your last three.

Speaker 1 I was never going to do that. At the end.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, your last three. Last dance.

Speaker 3 Last dance. I actually think that the last dance was our first sportser back

Speaker 3 of this entire thing.

Speaker 1 But do you remember the feeling? After like two days. Oh, thank God.
We have six weeks of this. It will totally get us to the finish line.

Speaker 3 It was honestly like two or three weeks after quarantine started.

Speaker 1 We're like, we're done.

Speaker 3 The last dance brought sports back.

Speaker 1 This is great. Fuck.
All right.

Speaker 3 Your last pick, PFT. My last one is going to be the celebrity imagine video with Gal Godot and all the celebrities in their houses.
That was going to get us through this, through the power of song.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 3 It was so ridiculous.

Speaker 3 I miss laughing at that. Now it's like, that was actually kind of sweet with the rest of the day.

Speaker 1 Yeah, nice try, guys. All right, Pank, you have three to fit.
No, two to finish.

Speaker 5 Two to finish. Outer Banks.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 5 And then the novelty of our sweet boy Billy coming back in the fold.

Speaker 1 Everyone was like, oh, we missed Billy Football. Where's Billy?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God, Billy's back. Fuck this kid.

Speaker 3 I actually think that Billy's been doing a great job this week.

Speaker 1 I do, no, I loves Billy.

Speaker 5 But when he came back, it was like, oh, my God, Billy's back.

Speaker 1 Finally. If Billy was $100 stock when he came back, he went down to like a penny, but now he's back to like $65.

Speaker 3 But to be fair, he went down because of mismanagement. Right.
Because of gross incompetence at the executive level.

Speaker 1 We were the juicing coffee guys. Yes.
We were just fucking, remember that?

Speaker 1 We were Wolf of Wall Street with Billy.

Speaker 3 We dragged him down to penny stocks so we could then buy shares of him, jack it back up.

Speaker 1 Everyone's going to be like, Billy's incredible. Like, yeah, we told you.

Speaker 3 Yeah. But, Billy, you've been doing great recently.
And I do mean it when I say that we did not set you up well. So I accept our apologies.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 3 I feel like you guys are just being nice to me.

Speaker 1 No, it means no, no, no. We love you.

Speaker 3 Dead serious. We love you.

Speaker 3 Those shoes still fucking suck.

Speaker 3 They're terrible. They're awful.

Speaker 1 We missed a few. Love is Blind.
Yep. Love is Blind is up there.

Speaker 1 Remember when... Oh, Leroy retiring.
Mm-hmm. Well, you can say.
I did five.

Speaker 5 All right, it's all good.

Speaker 1 You did five? All right, put five on there for Hank. Make sure you put five.
Oh, so you want to do the we'll do our fifth.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so we should get a fifth one. All right, you go ahead.

Speaker 1 Okay, so this fifth. You can do love, like, you can pick up the five.

Speaker 3 Well, so love is blind was on my list, but I feel like that's cheating since we've already said it out loud. So I won't say it.
Instead, I will go with

Speaker 3 Leroy retiring. Leroy retiring.

Speaker 1 There we go.

Speaker 1 You have to do a fifth too, Billy. Can I do like a real one? No.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 But let me do mine first.

Speaker 1 My fifth is when Jay Glazer held the world hostage for 24 hours, thinking he was going to break the biggest news ever, and then just told us a guy got coronavirus that ended up like

Speaker 1 hundreds of thousands of, I think millions, yeah, millions of people have had coronavirus, and he was like, big news coming tomorrow. That was a long time ago.

Speaker 3 Panic buying.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I bought a lot of junk.

Speaker 3 I ate canned spinach for like a month.

Speaker 1 I had, oh, you're talking about that. Yeah, that too.

Speaker 1 I was thinking more like, I bought bought a trumpet. I bought like

Speaker 1 a stair master that was like only like this big.

Speaker 3 I got a sun lamp.

Speaker 1 I bought this thing.

Speaker 1 I was too embarrassed to even use it. It's a thing you wear around your neck, and it's like a big rubber ball, and you chew it, and it's supposed to make your jawline better.

Speaker 3 So it's like a thigh master for your mouth.

Speaker 1 It's like a fucking ball gag.

Speaker 3 You just bought a ball gag.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. Pretty much.

Speaker 1 First time I opened it up.

Speaker 3 I think it has a lot of good deals on exercise equipment.

Speaker 1 I opened opened it and I was like, I'm not going to fucking do this. This is insane.

Speaker 3 So it's basically like synthetic chewing gum. Yes.
Yes.

Speaker 1 A chew toy. You're basically treating yourself like a dog.
And I was like, this is insane. This is too far.

Speaker 3 It's actually a great idea. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You never used it?

Speaker 1 No, I didn't. I didn't.
Can I use it? I think in the move, it got lost. I can shoot it.

Speaker 3 My jawline could use a little bit of work.

Speaker 1 I could point you in the right direction. Okay.

Speaker 1 We also had push-up challenges.

Speaker 3 Yeah. That sucked.
We're going to get in shape.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're going to get in. Yeah, we're going to.
The we're going to get in shape people also are closely related to the uh this is only going to last two to three weeks people.

Speaker 3 Um what about uh remember freaking out when oil hit zero? Yeah. Everyone was worried about that for some reason.

Speaker 1 And we all pretended to know what that meant.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it means that everyone's going to have to store oil in their backyard until the government allows you to release it.

Speaker 1 Remember when Duke withdrew from the NCAA tournament before they canceled the NCAA tournament?

Speaker 3 You remember when Britney Spears burnt down her gym?

Speaker 1 Yep. Yep.
Because she ran too fast. Yep.
So yeah, there's been a lot of things that have happened.

Speaker 3 Harrison Ford got into another plane crash.

Speaker 1 He did? Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's how you can measure time, actually, is how many Harrison Ford aviation incidents have taken place.

Speaker 1 By the way, the Earl Thomas thing I looked up, guess what date it was?

Speaker 3 May 1st.

Speaker 1 It was May 7th. Yeah.
I would have guessed that it was like April. I would have guessed that.
I think it was April March, early April being like, that was borderline when sports were canceled.

Speaker 5 Marlinsman said no, they would not let me.

Speaker 3 Breaking news. Roger Goodell.
Breaking news.

Speaker 3 How much money did he bid?

Speaker 5 Dave bid like $250,000.

Speaker 3 So that would mean Marlinsman probably bid about $150,000. There, $200,000.
That Goodell is not accepting for children.

Speaker 5 It's fucked up. Hates the kids.
This needs to be more of a story.

Speaker 1 It does.

Speaker 3 Well, let's raise the awareness level right now in America.

Speaker 3 Never forget that Roger Goodell elected to starve children instead of accepting money from Marlinsman.

Speaker 1 Sad. Very, very sad.
All right, let's finish up with Guys and Jake. That was a great Mount Rushmore, guys.
And sports are back now. But this is...
They'll write a history book.

Speaker 1 We should just write that. We should do another coloring book.
Oh, remember? Oh, yeah. Remember, we should do a coloring book of coronavirus.

Speaker 3 Of stuff that happened during the corns.

Speaker 1 And just have the big dick in every picture.

Speaker 3 Just different woods.

Speaker 1 Where's wood? Yeah, we're over. Where's wood? A where's wood? A pop-up book.
Oh,

Speaker 1 damn.

Speaker 3 It could be like six books in one. It could be a coloring book, where's wood? And then the last page you just open up, and it's three-dimensional of just his cock.

Speaker 1 I like that. All right, we're going to do that.
Not, but yeah, no, we're definitely not.

Speaker 3 We're going to talk about it.

Speaker 5 We just talk about about it enough someone might make it uh-huh and then we can maybe sell it um

Speaker 1 hey guys we just gave drinks like homework remember remember this one did you do this for us bike riding around manhattan oh yeah now to be fair that was something that we were playing once the weather gets nice once the weather gets nice we'll do well no now it's too hot yeah now it's too hot to be fair

Speaker 3 for five fridays in a row but i got a new one already was downpouring so we couldn't do it and then it just became one of those things where if you if you cancel a plan in good faith enough times yeah you just kind of doesn't people just kind of let you slide.

Speaker 1 I am down to do it now that I have an electric bike and don't actually have to bike.

Speaker 3 A motorcycle.

Speaker 1 It's pretty good.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you should get a leather jacket. It's a motorcycle.

Speaker 1 I will revel scooter around Manhattan. Okay, hey, guys on checks.

Speaker 5 Hey, guys, my boyfriend and I got in a big fight recently because I only wear sunglasses on my head, never on my face, even when it's sunny.

Speaker 5 I just don't feel comfortable or confident wearing them, so I only use them to keep my hair back. Is that not normal?

Speaker 1 Wait, only on your head. Yes.

Speaker 1 I've actually considered getting a second pair just so i can do the same thing yeah i mean you're in a unique situation that's a that's weird though like who doesn't like wearing sunglasses i don't like wearing sunglasses really yeah in the summertime i mean i just don't have a good face for sunglasses it's just uh it's just something i think everyone has a good face for sunglasses the whole point of sunglasses is that you can make a really stupid face look better you're just wearing the wrong sunglasses

Speaker 5 Trust me. Shady Rays.

Speaker 1 Even the shady rays are great. They're great.

Speaker 5 They look great on everyone.

Speaker 1 Are they if you don't like wearing them? I look like bug eyes here.

Speaker 3 Hank, what you should do is you should get the flip-up sunglasses like outfielders wear.

Speaker 5 The best ones are the ones I got for Grit Week that looked like I was like a porn director that I got as a joke, but they kind of look good.

Speaker 3 Those weren't sunglasses. Those made you

Speaker 1 look close to sunglasses. You look good, Hank.
You look awesome. Hank, you look like you could fucking rob a bank.
Booty raise makes you look sick.

Speaker 3 You look like a California teenager.

Speaker 1 You look so good.

Speaker 1 Hank. Oh, wait.
What's up, CFB Hall of Fame Cat63PFT and

Speaker 5 Chankless Hank? I think I'm supposed to say chinless, but you spelled it wrong.

Speaker 1 I realize what Hank looks like now.

Speaker 3 Doesn't Hank look like a wildlife photographer for Shark Week? Yeah. Out on a boat somewhere.
Yeah, four hours.

Speaker 1 You should actually do an entire series where you go fishing. Honkloff.

Speaker 5 With my bare hands. Dude, everyone tweets me videos every day of people catching fish with their bare hands.
I've never been more proven right.

Speaker 3 Everyone tweets me every day. Literally.

Speaker 5 Long time AWL and Toledo resident here wondering if there was any plans for Coach Doug's ceremony for accepting the key to the city.

Speaker 5 I know this may not happen anytime soon due to the encouragement of social distancing, but once life starts returning back to normal, I know know that the 419 would love to have you guys.

Speaker 1 Is this guys on chicks?

Speaker 3 Well, it was in the text line, and I was actually curious myself.

Speaker 1 Okay, yes, we are going to do it.

Speaker 1 I've spoken with Jason Candle, who's a friend of ours.

Speaker 1 We saw him on a grit week a couple years ago. We are absolutely going to go to Toledo once the real world comes back.
Hope it's probably next year. We'll get a key to the city, and

Speaker 1 we've had preliminary discussion, actually just amongst ourselves, of PFT possibly enrolling and kicking. Yep.
It has been discussed. We actually haven't asked anyone if we can do it.

Speaker 3 We've just talked about it ourselves, which counts. I got to get tape out there somehow.

Speaker 3 Ensure your eligibility.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you do. You want to play for Toledo? You know what? I'm giving scholis away.

Speaker 5 I have four years of eligibility.

Speaker 1 Dude, I'm giving scholis away.

Speaker 3 How much does it cost to enroll at the University of Toledo for out-of-state people?

Speaker 3 Because I was thinking about doing one that's closer, but all the private schools are like $50,000 a year, and there's like no weather.

Speaker 1 It's on the arm. For us, it's free.

Speaker 5 Hey, guys, my boyfriend.

Speaker 1 We've got a key to the city. You don't think a key to the city opens up free tuition? It should at least open up the weight room.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I won't go to class.

Speaker 5 Hey, guys, my boyfriend likes to refer to my butt as an absolute dump truck. Except that it's not.
It's an average, if not kind of small butt.

Speaker 5 Should I be insulted when it says because it's sarcastic, or is he trying to give me a compliment?

Speaker 3 No. I think guys just look at any butt and they're like, wow, that's a huge butt.

Speaker 1 You're like,

Speaker 1 how can I compare this body to some type of big machinery? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Do you remember at the start? I think it was at the start of Charlie's Angels. Who could forget? But Cameron Dia has like danced in the mirror to I like big butts.
And she has like a negative butt.

Speaker 3 She's got Hank Hill butt.

Speaker 1 And the real truth here is that your boyfriend just doesn't know what a dump truck butt looks like. Don't be the one to break it to him.
Let him just think that you got the dump truck.

Speaker 3 It's actually the highest compliment that you can give as a male to compare something to like machinery you thought was kick-ass when you were six years old.

Speaker 1 And this also just means that he's not on Instagram. So good, that's good as well.
Like, he's just not looking at dump trucks on Instagram.

Speaker 3 We should actually. He's not on perfect boot.

Speaker 1 We should create Billy, create an Instagram account for us.

Speaker 1 I want it to be dump trucks, so it's just one ass picture next to an actual dump truck.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 or that's cool.

Speaker 3 Or it could be dump trucks, and the picture, the avatar is just a big ass in a swimsuit, but then all the pictures are just different heavy machinery.

Speaker 3 And then you just DM people and see how many followers you can get.

Speaker 1 Or we could get actual models to pose in front of heavy machinery. That would be cool.

Speaker 3 Check out this background.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of things we can do with the dump truck Instagram. Nice.
Get it?

Speaker 5 Dear PMT, I'm embarrassed to say this even though it's anonymous. My boyfriend is really a cereal bread eater.
I love bread, don't get me wrong.

Speaker 5 I am not one of those gluten-free girls, but he eats it with every meal. Literally, he eats burgers and hot dogs just like anyone else.

Speaker 5 But what started to worry me after seven months of dating and getting normalized to his daily routine was the cereal. He dips the bread in cereal.

Speaker 5 His main choice is wonder bread, and it absolutely disgusts me.

Speaker 5 Not the bread of choice, but the bread being dunked into the cereal.

Speaker 1 He's a girl.

Speaker 5 He uses it as a scoop, and when I tell him it's gross, he says it's just like a spoon.

Speaker 1 It's true.

Speaker 5 I really don't know how to get him to stop or if I should get him to stop. What do I do?

Speaker 3 I think you just let the man live his life. Everyone's got a thing.

Speaker 1 Everyone's got a thing.

Speaker 1 You still crush

Speaker 5 two buns with a hot dog, like a chaser bun.

Speaker 3 If that's the weirdest thing about him, then you're doing really well.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I also, this is one of those things where he,

Speaker 1 he's, I don't know how he grew up, but I'm sure that there was just bread all the time, and he thinks that everyone else just eats bread all the time. And another one,

Speaker 1 this is another case where he is probably not on Instagram looking at like how to stay lean, like RX lean muscle. He's just fucking pounding carbs.

Speaker 3 Yeah, at least you know he's not a celiac. Yeah, his shits are probably wonderful if he can handle all that bread.

Speaker 1 I like this. This guy is just living in not 2020.
He's living in like 1982.

Speaker 3 Here's what you do. suggest that you guys go on a gluten-free diet together and just see how long it takes for him to dump you.

Speaker 5 I'm at a weird point in my relationship with this guy, and I don't quite know how to label us. Regardless, we've been off and on for a year and a half, despite living in different cities.

Speaker 5 We've definitely gotten close during the pandemic, especially since I've moved back home to my parents' house four months ago. I need help.
What the fuck do I buy him for his birthday?

Speaker 5 I don't want to scream relationships, but I also don't want to be a dick and just buy him a birthday card.

Speaker 1 Cash.

Speaker 3 I think we've said that before.

Speaker 3 Just give him a fat stack of fives.

Speaker 1 Everyone wants cash, always. Cash is the greatest gift anyone can ever give.

Speaker 3 Cash is king. If you give him $100 worth of $5 bills, that's actually the best present I think I could ever get.
I would rather have $100 worth of fives than just get six $20 bills. Yes.

Speaker 1 It's like the scene from Donny Brasco when

Speaker 1 Al Pacino and

Speaker 1 Fuck, Johnny Depp.

Speaker 3 Is it Johnny Depp?

Speaker 1 No, it is Johnny Depp.

Speaker 3 He's canceled, though.

Speaker 1 And at Christmas, they exchange cards and they both have cash in them. And then when Johnny Depp is walking out, Al Pacino is like, hey, can I get a few dollars off you?

Speaker 1 I need to lend some money or like loan some money to me. And then he just takes his card back.

Speaker 3 He takes his 10%.

Speaker 3 He has 10% right immediately.

Speaker 1 No, he takes his whole card back. So he just ends up with all the money.

Speaker 3 Just give him, you know, would actually be sweet. I wish I had gotten this present at some point.
Just a suitcase filled with ones.

Speaker 3 And maybe you handcuff it to him and be like, don't open this until you get home. That'd just be sick.

Speaker 5 Hey, guys, what outfit would each of you wear if you were girls?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Oh, PFT.
No, I don't know.

Speaker 3 Like, that's.

Speaker 1 You can just Google it.

Speaker 3 You talk about something that's never going to happen.

Speaker 1 I think tube tops.

Speaker 1 For my breast size, tube tops.

Speaker 3 Tube tops. Yeah, you would make a tube top pop.

Speaker 1 I would like the new trend. It seems like

Speaker 1 girls are just wearing handkerchiefs as tops. That seems kind of fun.

Speaker 3 I would wear

Speaker 1 a dress. I would wear many times.

Speaker 3 I would wear a dress.

Speaker 3 If I was a woman, I would wear a dress. And only if I was a woman.

Speaker 5 Yoga pants.

Speaker 5 Last one. Dear vacation honk.
My boyfriend always asked me, are you mad at me? He has really bad anxiety and he always needs to make sure. But I'm not sure if I can do it.
I was actually.

Speaker 5 Sorry to interrupt, Hank.

Speaker 3 But I was actually thinking about this this weekend. I didn't want to forget.

Speaker 3 Somebody just needs to invent, if you slap like

Speaker 3 an Under Armour logo onto a kilt or onto just like any sort of nice flowy, like long skirt. You can make a dude wear anything.
You're just like, this is a sport performance kilt.

Speaker 3 A guy will wear a dress. A golfing kilt.
I'm going to be honest.

Speaker 1 Rompers are actually like. There you go, Billy.

Speaker 1 Dude, remember male rompers? I wore one of those once. You did? Yeah, they sent us a bunch.

Speaker 3 The romp hems.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the romp hems. Wow.

Speaker 3 Might invest.

Speaker 1 My balls are too. Well, my dick is too small.
My balls are too small.

Speaker 5 Remember when you showed me some lace shorts, BFT?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was. I remember that.

Speaker 5 That was not long ago because the shorts are still in the pocket.

Speaker 3 Somebody sent me a dress. Somebody sent me lace shorts.
Right.

Speaker 1 I think you asked them to. Yeah.
Amazon sent you lace shorts.

Speaker 3 Somebody sent me. I think it was the same place you got your ball gag from.
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 5 Last one. So, my boyfriend always asks, Are you mad at me? He has really bad anxiety and he always needs to make sure.

Speaker 5 But I am so sick of him asking when I'm not mad, what should I do to get him to stop asking? This is starting to become a deal breaker. This is like a reverse.

Speaker 5 This is like a just say yes.

Speaker 3 Just be mad at him one time. Yeah, just be like, mad.
Yes, because you asked me if I'm mad, and that's really pissing me off. Right.
I actually know why she's got a resting face.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 damn.

Speaker 3 I don't like that, Billy. That's misogynistic.
You're really misogynistic.

Speaker 1 You're getting canceled for that. Billy, so if you were to just sit around.

Speaker 3 Oh, Billy, do you think she should smile more, Billy?

Speaker 1 No, I see you. Do you see, dude? Dude, that's why she thinks you're mad all the time.
Nah, nah. It's like.
Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, hey, Billy's canceled.

Speaker 3 I canceled on that.

Speaker 1 You got one last monology. That's actually awesome.
Yeah, you got one last monologue before you officially cancel.

Speaker 1 Love you guys. Well,

Speaker 3 thank you guys for

Speaker 3 having me while sports were gone. I think I'm gonna go back to where I came from.
And now sports are here.

Speaker 3 Just want you to remember how fun it was to not talk about sports and just maybe take a break. It really wasn't, I don't know what I'm saying.
But anyway, if you're having a bad time,

Speaker 3 you might just want to climb a mountain and look around, see the stars.

Speaker 3 Tell them that you're not actually leaving the show.

Speaker 3 I'm not really sure.

Speaker 1 No, he's not leaving. He is canceled.

Speaker 3 Yes, you're canceled, but you're not leaving.

Speaker 3 You can apply for reinstatement. I'll reply to a council of Amy Schumer,

Speaker 3 Ellen DeGeneres. Do you have to go on that show?

Speaker 3 Jada Smith. And the Voice

Speaker 1 Table. Megan McCain.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 They're the council. Also, please DM me if you want to buy Vanny on Twitter at Billy Hot Takes because I need to sell this van.
It runs actually really well. Took it for a spin three days ago.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 I'm drinking it.

Speaker 1 Is it all

Speaker 1 Just a brain of ways away.

Speaker 1 You're all the things I've got to remember.

Speaker 1 Shine oil

Speaker 1 and coming for you anyway.

Speaker 1 Shine on

Speaker 1 me coming for you anyway.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 hey,

Speaker 1 oh,

Speaker 1 It's pardon my take presented by Bar Stool Sports.