Cris Collinsworth, Sports Are Back (This Week) And Zuckerberg's Ass Implants

Speaker 1 Hey, pardon my take listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
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Speaker 1 See Mintmobile.com. On today's part of my take, we have Chris Collinsworth on the show.
Long discussion with him. Football is coming back.
We talk about his broadcasting career, his career

Speaker 1 with Pro Football Focus, how they judge players, what's going to happen in the 2020 season.

Speaker 6 Awesome conversation.

Speaker 1 Long time guy that we wanted to have on the show. And of course, we get a lot of answers on the slide.
We have Who's Back of the Week? We have Sports Week.

Speaker 6 Sports are coming back this week.

Speaker 1 We have Mark Zuckerberg Stay Woke. I think he has a fake ass.
Yeah, we're going to talk about that.

Speaker 1 We have the defense that we have never seen before. New in legal world.

Speaker 1 I don't even know if they teach this in the law departments or the law schools. As a straight guy, Jeremy Roenick's new legal defense for being fired from NBC, and a lot, lot more.

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Speaker 1 Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 No place to hang out on washing.

Speaker 1 And then I can't blame all on the sun.

Speaker 1 Oh no, we're gonna ride it down to Elaine Trick Iven new

Speaker 1 and then we take it higher

Speaker 1 Welcome to part of my take presented by the cash app go download it right now use code barstool you get ten dollars for free ten dollars to ASPCA today

Speaker 1 is Monday July 20th and sports sports are back, baby. Yes, this week.
Yes.

Speaker 6 This week. We've made it.
Sports week. It's sports week right now.
It's been the longest, what, four and a half months of all time? Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, for fashion computer over here.

Speaker 6 You're so jittery to get back to betting on sports.

Speaker 1 I'm so excited. I also just had the moment that it feels, you know, the stupid tweets we've seen the last four months, nature is healing.

Speaker 1 And nature isn't healing, but nature truly is healing now that sports are back because I tweeted out a picture of Wrigley because the Cubs are playing the Sox right now and someone replied and said fuck the Sox fans and someone replied back to him and said fuck you and someone replied back to him and said you wish sports are back uh-huh

Speaker 6 energy we need on Twitter I got I got a small taste of that last week I was going to uh to the Redskins Reddit to see if I could get out ahead of whatever the story was gonna be and the first like five posts on there were all from like fans of different franchises saying hey bills fan here coming in peace yeah and just reading that as the preview from like a Bills fan, a Cowboys fan, a Niners fan.

Speaker 6 Oh,

Speaker 6 a little bit of normalcy is great. I'm so ready to not care about serious shit anymore.
And just getting back to

Speaker 6 caring way, way too much about dumb shit.

Speaker 6 That's our right as Americans. It's our duty as Americans to do that.
And I'm very, very excited to get back to it.

Speaker 1 By the way, apologies to MLS and golf. You have been back.
Whatever.

Speaker 1 That was talking soccer. Yeah, talking soccer.
And also, golf is really back now because we had a rules violation that everyone got mad about.

Speaker 1 And your best friend, Mike Greenberg, was at the front of it, being like, I saw the ball move from sitting on my couch.

Speaker 6 So he was very upset.

Speaker 1 But it feels like sports are back. Did Mike call it in? No, I don't think they ⁇ I think they got away with it.
I think they got rid of that.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 6 Yeah, the USGA got rid of the stitch line. They migrated.
He's just stitching off that now moved over to work for the NBA.

Speaker 9 Speaking of golf violations, that Bryson won on Friday was all time off.

Speaker 1 It was awesome, dude. So can we nominate him? like, he's now the number one Triple B.
I think he's a sportsman.

Speaker 6 Babyback bitch of the year.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. The fact that he now has his caddy blocking camera, guys, too.

Speaker 1 And it was a very relatable moment when he's counting his shots. Every single person who's ever golfed has been in that moment.
They're like, fuck. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 There was, all right, there were two by the tree. And then, fuck, oh, I've had too many beer.
I don't know what shot him on.

Speaker 6 But then he kept hitting the same shot out of bounds.

Speaker 1 Just let that be relatable. Just be a regular dude.
And he goes,

Speaker 1 he goes over the ball.

Speaker 6 He's like, are you sure my ball is out of bounds? And the rules official is like, unfortunately, Bryson, yes, it is. He goes, I don't believe you.
Let's get another rules official.

Speaker 6 And the second guy comes over. He's like, yeah, Bryson, it's definitely out of bounds.
He hit it on the other side of the fence. Without a doubt.
And then he just started like,

Speaker 6 listen, I think that history is going to vindicate our Bryson takes sooner rather than later. This is a classic Royd rage type.
If I'm on a witch hunt, he's Royd raging out there. This guy stinks.

Speaker 6 Big time. He looked like a fucking gorilla trying to find an acorn in a cornfield when he was looking for his ball.

Speaker 6 And he was just like, he was just pacing back and forth, getting so angry and looking like a big loser. Meanwhile, because he hit that 10, our boy Brooks made the cut.
Made the cut.

Speaker 1 And I'm not going to say, you know, Brooks would never, ever make an excuse. Ever.
Because he's just a stand-up guy. He's not like Bryson D Sham Blue.

Speaker 1 Bryson D. Sham baby back bitch.

Speaker 6 D. Sham Boohoo.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Bryson D. Sham.

Speaker 6 I blew it. More like Dyson DeShambeau.

Speaker 1 You read that.

Speaker 1 You had that one written down.

Speaker 6 No, I don't. I swear to God.
Dyson. I don't have Dyson.

Speaker 1 Okay. So, Brooks, I think his knees still hurt.
Again, I'm not going to make...

Speaker 1 He would never say it, but I'm just going to say it for him. I think his knees still hurt.
So that's probably why he hasn't been that great.

Speaker 6 Well, let me check in on this. Was this a major?

Speaker 1 No. Okay, then who cares?

Speaker 6 Well, then we're still doing it. The sixth major.

Speaker 6 This is the seventh major.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was the sixth major, so it counts. Yeah.
But yeah, John Rahm, good job winning by so much that a two-point penalty doesn't give you the loss. So good for that.
Sports are back. Feels good.

Speaker 1 Baseball on Thursday. Exhibition games in the NBA.
And then, of course, we have all this good news, and it feels like we got positive momentum. And then the NFL is just going to fuck everything up by,

Speaker 1 we mentioned on Friday, using our brains to say, we got time. We have nothing but time.
And now, all of a sudden, you have the Texans and who are the Texans and the Chiefs.

Speaker 1 Texans and and the Chiefs because they play, they're supposed to play the Thursday night game to open the season so they can open their training camp earlier than everyone else.

Speaker 1 And they can also invite rookies a week earlier than training camps open. And now everyone's like, hey, do we have a plan?

Speaker 1 No, we don't. Okay, well, we're fucked.

Speaker 6 It seems like this was the last weekend for them to get their shit together.

Speaker 6 Like, if they don't have a plan in place by Monday, that's going to set into effect this big domino situation where the entire season might get delayed at that point.

Speaker 6 And you're right, Roger Goodell treated this off-season like, do you remember having summer reading when you had to have a book report due on the first day back in school?

Speaker 6 And you're like, fuck it, I got two and a half months to take care of this thing. And then all of a sudden it's Labor Day weekend and you haven't read the book at all.

Speaker 6 And then you got to go on Spark Notes and try to just read the summary and write a real quick bullshit report.

Speaker 1 You don't even have to do an analogy from like 25 years ago. Hank was literally doing his taxes on Friday on the show.
That's true. Yeah.
So like that's that's what we're working with. Our brains

Speaker 1 our brains are leading the NFL.

Speaker 6 Roger Goodell just filed for an extension on the testing plan.

Speaker 1 We do it all the time. We are king procrastinators, and the NFL, we were hoping that some adult would be like, hey, let's get on this.
Instead,

Speaker 1 I was reading something today. They don't have anything figured out, it feels like.

Speaker 1 Not only talking about the health protocols, like testing how often they're going to test, all these things, they have to figure out the money side too, where...

Speaker 1 That seems like it's probably going to be the harder thing to figure out is splitting up the cap and and like how much do you put off to next year that guaranteeing money for guys to show like because obviously players are saying to the to the nfl if we show up day one we want something because we could show up get sick or show up do training camp for a month and then have the season canceled and get no dollars how does that make sense so it I mean, they're trying to coordinate it where you saw all the tweets where everyone's like, we want to play.

Speaker 6 That was very funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, they were taking the page out of baseball's handbook.

Speaker 6 Every player was just like tweeting at Roger Goodell. Like, Roger Dell is opening up his phone and just refreshing and be like, oh, fuck.
I just got added by Mahomes, DK Metcalf, Russell Wilson.

Speaker 6 Oh, fuck. Russell Wilson's wife is pregnant with Futures Kid.
What am I going to do about all this stuff?

Speaker 1 It probably actually wasn't Roger Dell. It was his wife checking his Twitter message.

Speaker 6 His wife on her burner. Right.

Speaker 1 Sir, she's got a lot of

Speaker 1 husbands. Say, you're playing a children's sport.
Just shut up and get there and be happy. Yeah.
Millions are out of work.

Speaker 6 God, I would love to see her burner account right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's popping. It's popping.
So I don't know. Let's not do the negative today.
Let's do the positive.

Speaker 6 Chris Collinsworth will tell us on a scale of eight to ten that sports are definitely coming back. Football is absolutely football is coming back.

Speaker 1 We have Chris Collinsworth coming up. Awesome interview with him.
Anything else from the weekend that we had to touch on before we get to who's back? Seemed.

Speaker 6 Oh, Billy put together a nice little packet for us. Yes.

Speaker 1 Trevor Lawrence got engaged. Trevor Lawrence got engaged.
Would

Speaker 6 Say nothing about being like a future NFL superstar, but just getting engaged when you're a senior in college is dumb as shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he did it on the 50-yard line. That's kind of cool.

Speaker 6 Question making.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Decision making.

Speaker 6 Did he touch the rock before? Well, he's touching a rock as he's on a knee. Giving it to her.
Giving it to her. That's a, yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that's about it there. That's Billy.

Speaker 6 It looks like they took the picture at 7 o'clock in the evening. That's good decision making.
Nice little glow up there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we had some baseball games. We had Stu Stu Feiner in the front row, which was hilarious.
The baseball fan cutouts.

Speaker 6 I really want to buy baseball fan cutouts, but I want to make them be dude perfect and give them all cold sores.

Speaker 1 That would be good. That'd be sick.
Or, you know, who else had a cold sore?

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 let's do our who's back week. Shout out Billy, by the way, because Billy,

Speaker 1 we had the talk on Friday's show. He has shown up.
He is ready to go. He's got his marching orders.
We're going to make a man out of this boy. And it's positive vibes only with Billy.

Speaker 1 We'll tell you when you can start saying soy boy again. You cannot until he starts acting like a soy boy.
But right now, he's acting like a soy man.

Speaker 6 Soy man.

Speaker 1 Yeah. All right, before we get to who's back.
Ball's here.

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Speaker 1 Okay, who's back of the week? Hank.

Speaker 9 I got a few who's backs of the week.

Speaker 1 Let's do it.

Speaker 9 My first one is Bat Cracks. Yep.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 9 One of the positive was sports being back empty stadiums in the mlb means a lot more like really solid contact bat cracks which is one of the best sounds in sports uh from the mount rushmore yeah for sure bat crack is so much better than the bat ping

Speaker 9 yes uh bills mafia is back yeah in a big way Canada shut down the Blue Jays being allowed to play in Toronto, so there's talks about the Buffalo Blue Jays becoming a thing, which would be

Speaker 9 electric. I feel like even though, you know, corona, social distancing, no fans in the crowd, Bill's Mafia is still going to show up.
They're still going to tailgate.

Speaker 1 Buffalo Blue Jays.

Speaker 1 Chris Berman.

Speaker 9 I hope it's a situation where they just never go back to Toronto.

Speaker 1 Buffalo has never turned down a chance to party before a sporting event starts. So I don't think that it matters.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's probably mostly Yankee fans in Buffalo, I would imagine, but they still will come out just to throw themselves through tables before Blue Jays.

Speaker 6 Absolutely. It's the same color scheme as the Bills 2, so you can wear your Zubaz to the baseball game.
That's going to be sick.

Speaker 6 Chris Berman is definitely thinking about all the Buffalo Blue Cheese references that he's going to be making once football starts. And I'm just thinking about how excited I am to hear him make those.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 9 That's it. Well, I had other ones, but we're talking about them later.

Speaker 1 And we talked about one before.

Speaker 1 Okay. What was

Speaker 1 love and Zuck? Love is back. Yeah, love is back.

Speaker 6 Well, is love back? Love is absolutely back. That's my whole life.

Speaker 1 Danica Patrick and Aaron Rodgers, though.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that means that.

Speaker 6 But he's dating the girl.

Speaker 1 Did they not buy that house together? He bought it himself?

Speaker 6 No, he bought that to flex for her to be like, Danica, you're so cool.

Speaker 9 That should have been the first time.

Speaker 6 I got you a crystal room like that overlooks the Pacific Ocean.

Speaker 1 Would be a real shame if Danica maybe did some crystal, I don't know, put some crystal like bad juju on Aaron when he's going out the door. Uh-huh.
Real shame. Wouldn't want that to happen.

Speaker 6 Absolutely not. Well, he's dating the girl from,

Speaker 6 what's it called?

Speaker 1 Outer Banks.

Speaker 6 Big Little Lies. Oh.
My jam. Shaylene Woodley.
So he's... Aaron Rodgers is obsessed with just dating famous people.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 9 I started watching. I watched that PFT, by the way.

Speaker 1 It's good, right? First season was good. Season two sucks.

Speaker 9 First season was good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he is obsessed with that.

Speaker 6 Why is that? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Why is he? He just got. He dates.

Speaker 6 I think maybe.

Speaker 1 No, I was going to say, it would actually be counterintuitive. You'd probably want to date a non-famous person to convince them to move to Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Speaker 1 Like a famous person, maybe that's why this is always happening is that you ask someone to move to Green Bay, Wisconsin in the winter as a famous person, it's probably hard to keep that relationship going.

Speaker 6 Maybe he just likes living the single life, so he only dates people that are famous that he knows will not move in with him so that he can stay up in Green Bay just rolling dolo all the time.

Speaker 1 And also probably getting that

Speaker 1 breakup, like, oof, now I can do whatever I want feel every year. It's got to be exciting.

Speaker 6 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 New beginnings.

Speaker 6 Is that it, Hank? That's it.

Speaker 1 Hold on. I'll hold on.

Speaker 6 So my Who's Back of the Week is True Love.

Speaker 9 Skip Bay.

Speaker 6 I just did that. No, but you said yours was going to be True Love, but it wasn't.
So mine is True Love, even though we discussed it. But I'm talking about my man Skip.

Speaker 6 Skip, Skip, Skip, and Ernestine are more in love than ever. I don't know if you saw the tweet that Skip put out on Friday.
He said, for 15 years, Ernestine and I have done this nearly every Saturday.

Speaker 6 We play catch. So he's obviously a play catch guy, not have a catch guy.
She never played a sport.

Speaker 6 Kind of a backhanded compliment to her. But can throw as if she started in college.
We talk, listen to music, reconnect. It's become our ritual.

Speaker 6 In fact, I think I fell in love the first time we played catch, and it's just a video of them just firing like a nerf football across their living room at each other.

Speaker 1 That's actually kind of nice. It's sweet.

Speaker 6 I kind of like that. That's my question I had was, who took this video? It's got to be Wilbon.
I assume that he just lives with Skip Bayless, and they just fucking debate everything every night.

Speaker 6 But we also know that on Saturday, that's when they sleep in the same bed, right? Right.

Speaker 6 So that's like their, that's their foreplay is they just throw a a nerf football around until Skip Bayless gets an erection, and then he's like, It's back, honey. And she's like, Let's do this.

Speaker 6 Let's put the bed, push the beds together.

Speaker 1 I actually like this because you can't, I mean, it's just a natural thing that if you have a football in a house, if you have a ball in the house, you can't not end up playing catch.

Speaker 1 It's, I mean, it's, you can do it around any single person. It happens all the time in the barstool office.

Speaker 1 Someone has a basketball, football, you just sit there and watch them, and you're like, hey, let me see that real quick. And that's probably how it started.
And let me see that real quick.

Speaker 1 Started a beautiful marriage between the two.

Speaker 1 So I like that. I'm in on that.

Speaker 1 All right, my who's back of the week is dad bods. And people not understanding what a dad bod is because Zach Efron has been accused of having a dad bod.

Speaker 1 If you haven't seen this picture, it's a picture of Zach Ephron with a 8-pack and then a picture of Zach Efron with a six-pack. And they're like, since when did Zach Ephron get a dad bod?

Speaker 1 And I've said this many times before. I'll say it again.
Fuck the people who have made dad bod culture seem cool because I know deep down no one actually wants dad bods.

Speaker 1 They want the Zach Efron six-pack dad bod. They want the,

Speaker 1 you know, Jason Siegel. Oh, he's got a dad bod, but he's also like a struggling musician who's going to make it big in forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Speaker 1 And, oh, everything's always a million laughs because I'm dating this dad bod guy. Instead, reality is, if you have a true dad bod, you're just really tired all the time because your

Speaker 6 metabolism is fucked up and you're overweight and you just really want to nap he should go method if he's trying to get into the real dad bod culture like the only workouts that he's allowed to do is mow the lawn like man the grill just pick things up and again yeah pick up toys uh i just

Speaker 6 get puked on by babies all the time it's bullshit here's a dad bod thing is bullshit this is being like oh i love a dad bod no you don't no you fucking don't this was a successful troll of the internet by the new york post because new york post i don't know if you noticed their twitter account recently they've just been living high off the horse or eating high off the horse.

Speaker 6 Getting that click, getting those quote tweets

Speaker 6 by putting up an article that says Zach Efron's dad bodies. He does look incredible.
Netflix shocks fans. And on the right, he still looks very good, but

Speaker 6 they knew exactly what they were doing when they posted that. He just has the beard.

Speaker 1 It's the dad beard. He's got a dad beard.

Speaker 6 That's not a dad bod. That's like a near-death bod, right? Because didn't Zach Efron almost die a couple months ago?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 6 Yeah. When he was taping his show near death.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 His new show is good. We're going going to get him back on the show.

Speaker 9 It's very to watch. He's saving the world pretty much.

Speaker 6 I think he was running Anivar in the first photo. Okay, Billy speculates that he was on Anivar in the first and the second.

Speaker 1 Steroids. Yeah, Billy wrote down on speech.

Speaker 9 Well, I saw a tweet that was like,

Speaker 9 Zach Efron admitted that in the first picture, it was like he was out of rehab and he went on a crazy diet to focus on staying sober. And he was like, it was really unhealthy, all this other stuff.

Speaker 9 So it's like.

Speaker 9 It's really, he was unhealthy when he was that chap.

Speaker 1 This sheet by Billy is. This is why Billy's back.

Speaker 1 Because we asked Billy, we said, we gave him a list of things to do, and one of the things to do was, we need you to stay on top of the internet all weekend and write a list of 10 different stories that you could think we could discuss.

Speaker 1 Billy, in ultimate Billy fashion, he actually, credit to him, he waited all the way until topic five out of ten on day one of doing this to say, we can talk steroids if you want.

Speaker 1 So, good job. You were able to keep it all the way to topic five because I know, I know you wanted to be topic one Hey, you guys want to talk steroids?

Speaker 6 So good on you and did a good job Billy also waited until the third topic to insert a little joke that he made it was the Trevor Lawrence thing and they said insert burrow getting a bigger ring joke.

Speaker 1 Oh That was nice So you didn't even you didn't even think of the joke You just said insert you just said like I know you guys

Speaker 6 if you want to think of one

Speaker 1 All right. I

Speaker 1 would like an amendment to your top 10 list Billy I want there to be at every list that you give us at least one section that we can talk steroids if we want. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 1 So just something that can segue to steroid talk.

Speaker 6 It's actually 12. I did 12.

Speaker 1 You did. We did.

Speaker 6 We asked you to make 10.

Speaker 1 There's definitely going to be seven. Try hard.
There's going to be seven on Tuesday. He's going to average it out.
It's going to be like, oh, but I did 12 on one. All right.

Speaker 1 No, no, positive vibes only. All right, Billy, what's your who's back of the week?

Speaker 6 My who's back of the week is swag.

Speaker 6 Swag is back.

Speaker 6 Oh, actually, all types of swag is back. Well, Jose Cespedes on the Mets

Speaker 6 was rocking an awesome glove.

Speaker 1 Did I miss it?

Speaker 1 Jose mispronounced it.

Speaker 1 Hank lit up. Hank.
I love the mispronouncing words. I've been really bad at pronouncing words.
I love it.

Speaker 1 Well, it's not his name.

Speaker 1 Joenes?

Speaker 6 It is now.

Speaker 6 No, Joannes. Now it's Jose.
Cespedes. Cespedes.
Cespedes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I thought it was.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah, I know, you got it.

Speaker 6 I'm not a Met fan. Was rocking an awesome glove and belt combo at the game yesterday, a little intra-squad scrimmage.
It was really awesome.

Speaker 6 Also, Swag Kelly thinks he's the second fastest quarterback in the NFL, which I agree with.

Speaker 9 Also, is he not in the NFL, though?

Speaker 1 I know he's a four-stringer.

Speaker 6 He's a four-stringer.

Speaker 6 He's also been caught by the police multiple times. So, unless he's saying that, like, the

Speaker 6 Denver Police Force

Speaker 6 would be faster than Lamar Jackson. I'm just saying, how do you get from a party to someone's house two miles away in that quick of a time?

Speaker 1 That's true, good truth. They play

Speaker 1 Sam's gun. Billy has long said that Swag Kelly is a steal of that draft.

Speaker 6 Swag Kelly is going to make a comeback at some point. He was like my.

Speaker 1 I love it, Billy. You got to pick one guy.
That's your guy. I remember you said it three years ago.
You're like, watch out for Swag Kelly. He's going to be the steal of this draft.

Speaker 9 Jake Fromm this year.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just stick with it.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I think he's going to be like a sleeper that's just going to come out of nowhere and get thrown to a game. That's literally what he's done: he has slept.

Speaker 6 He has been a sleeper in someone else's house who came out of nowhere. And that's why you got the cops.
You got

Speaker 1 sleepers. I like this.
Stick with it.

Speaker 6 I'm sticking with swag.

Speaker 1 All right, good. Who's back? Is that it?

Speaker 6 Just general swag by athletes in sports. Okay.
Because that's so cool.

Speaker 6 How many different Twitter accounts do you subscribe to that have something like athlete swag or like swag for jocks? I

Speaker 6 will not disclose that. I'll bet it's several.

Speaker 6 Me and student athlete Twitter are very tight and don't

Speaker 6 talk about my

Speaker 1 people like that. Okay, all right.
Billy, you should do one of those videos that go viral every like six months, like Life is a Student Athlete.

Speaker 1 Maybe

Speaker 1 Life is a Part of My Take

Speaker 1 Intern.

Speaker 1 You should do that. All right.
So that's another thing.

Speaker 10 Put it on your plate. It's on my plate.

Speaker 1 So it's like you wake up at

Speaker 1 noon. You send us the fact that you're going to be late.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're late. You play Call of Duty.

Speaker 1 You're late. Like, do the whole thing.

Speaker 1 Do it exactly how it is. Get the tie code.
6.30. Now I get these guys to get out.
I take my chickens.

Speaker 6 Yep. I take my dog out.
So do it.

Speaker 1 Do you have have a rooster that wakes up in the morning?

Speaker 6 No, not.

Speaker 6 It hasn't grown its voice yet.

Speaker 1 That's when he's sick. Yeah.
Like in the old school alarm clock. All right, so Billy, do that.
Awesome.

Speaker 1 As part of your job now. All right, let's get to our awesome, awesome interview with Chris Collins.
We're giving up for Chicago.

Speaker 12 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht.
And the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 12 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right. Premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Speaker 1 Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Okay, here he is, Chris Collinsworth.

Speaker 1 All right, we now welcome on a very special guest. It is someone that we've wanted on this show for a very long time.
You know him. He is always in your living room on a Sunday night.

Speaker 1 In the fall, it is the one, the only Chris Collinsworth.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 oh, he went too far. You got it.
You got it.

Speaker 3 I'm on wheels. Now I almost over slid the runway there.
Damn.

Speaker 6 Yeah, you got to find that center. Listen, it's the offseason for you two.
Yes. You haven't gotten any reps in recently.

Speaker 3 Camp, I need champ. I need champ.

Speaker 1 So answer all of our slide questions. Do it all.
Like a 30 for 30 on the slide.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 3 Started off is the dumbest thing ever invented ever.

Speaker 3 So they would put a mark on the thing where we would sit. Like we sit on the on the

Speaker 3 desk, right?

Speaker 3 So we sit there and they would put a mark and they would say, put one leg on either side of the mark, right? So, okay, fine. So I sit my butt down and I got one leg on either side.

Speaker 3 Well, Al opens the show by himself, right? That's, I don't know, he's done it forever. And it's Al Michaels and America in a one-on-one sort of bonding exercise that he does.

Speaker 3 So in order for Al to do the one-on-one,

Speaker 3 they say, Chris, you got to get out of the shot. And I was like, okay, well, what do you want me to do? You want me to put my legs between the mark on the thing or you want me in the shot?

Speaker 3 Well, just lean out.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 3 So just lean out, give Al some room so he can do his thing.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 So I lean out.

Speaker 3 So I'm sitting there and I'm in some places i mean i'm literally i'm like lying down so in order to get out of the shot and get my hip and my ass and everything out of the shot so i'm like over here like this and then out when he finishes his monologue he says well let's bring in chris collinsworth to do it and then i come up like that right so i solution it was a solution to the problem and we did it how it became a thing i have no idea i mean it was like

Speaker 1 overnight,

Speaker 3 there was, there was one, I don't know if you guys ever saw it, but you know, I'm not the most internet savvy guy in the world and social media and all that stuff. I'm getting better at it.

Speaker 1 I'm getting better.

Speaker 3 But there was one where they did an outtake of this thing where they were like thousands of people in a bar.

Speaker 1 And then on a big screen that was on the thing

Speaker 3 was, was us on camera. And then I slid in and the place went crazy, right?

Speaker 3 And so, being the moron that I am for about 15 seconds, I thought people were really going crazy over my slide.

Speaker 1 No, they were. They were.
That was real. That was real.
That's where we got. That was really fun.
Yeah, no, that was the initial clip.

Speaker 6 It was at the Toronto Tavern, actually.

Speaker 6 And then what we did, like in the future, we would superimpose other images where the slide used to be.

Speaker 1 Like famous shots in the World Cup and stuff.

Speaker 6 Yeah, like we did one with England in the World Cup where they scored an important goal. And we're we're like, oh, look what's going on.

Speaker 3 That was you guys that did that? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 I've been a huge fan of the slide for a long time, Chris.

Speaker 3 I am so honored.

Speaker 3 That's amazing.

Speaker 1 In fact,

Speaker 6 I've got probably like 10 more questions about the slide. I'll limit myself to two more.

Speaker 6 But do you find that you have to wear a certain type of pant to be able to execute the slide? Like, does it work in jeans or is the friction too much?

Speaker 3 Well, you've got to be careful because it's sort of like, you know, if you overslide, then people think you're strange with Al, right?

Speaker 3 That's, that's, that's not good because, you know, Al's a legend and if I smash into him or something, they get mad. So I can't do that.

Speaker 3 But undersliding is a problem too.

Speaker 3 So you can't, you can't underslide because then you've got half your head out of the thing. So yeah, it's the kind of traction that you get with your pants is, yeah, that's significant.

Speaker 6 And then after it became a big thing on the internet, you reversed it. You flipped it on everybody and you you came in from the other side.

Speaker 1 Nobody saw that.

Speaker 3 Oh, I love that you actually saw that.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 It was a big deal. Like, that we pay so much attention to the stupidest parts of sports that that to me made my week when you slid in from the other side of the camera.

Speaker 6 When you were about to do that, did you have like a little bit of nerve, some jitters? Like, I don't know if I can execute from this side. Am I ambi sliderous?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 3 Yeah, actually, there was, but the debate raged that week. So, Fred Goodelli is our producer.
And I get, you guys made it a deal. I never knew this.
I'm learning something new on the show.

Speaker 1 You know, a lot of people watch Sunday Night Football, right? I heard that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I heard that.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 3 so Fred Goodelli said, hey, this week, and we were, I think we were in.

Speaker 3 Man, we were in somewhere in California, one of those stadiums that had a really small booth. I mean, there was like no room to do anything.

Speaker 3 And so he said, He goes, listen, it's just a little wink, wink and a nod to you guys who made this thing up that

Speaker 3 we're just going to have some fun with it. And so they debated all week.
They were going to have, hey, Al,

Speaker 3 hey, Chris, slide on in and have Al look the wrong way. And then I'd come, I was like, no, no, no, no.
I said, the internet is so much cooler than we are. I mean, you can't like, you can't do that.

Speaker 3 I go, we've just got to just, if you want to do something, I'll do it from the other side, but it's got to be totally straight, right?

Speaker 3 It's got to, you cannot, we can't let on that we know because then it won't be fun anymore.

Speaker 3 Like there's got to be some level of doubt that we're just a couple of old guys that have no idea that people are making fun of us. Right.
And that's the only way it survives anything beyond this.

Speaker 3 And so we decided to do it. And, but it was hilarious because people, people like that better than pretty much anything I've done in my career.
So thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 6 You played it just perfectly because you're right. If you had kind of hammed it up a little bit too much, it would lose a little bit of the magic.
You guys, it was like a small little gesture.

Speaker 6 It was subtle.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the subtlety of it, you absolutely nailed that. Now, my last slide question is, do you know when you like crush a slide when you're like, oh, that was a good one?

Speaker 1 Like flowed well, perfect timing. We're ready to roll.

Speaker 3 No, but you know what? And I didn't know this either. It's like amazing.
I'm only on camera for like, what, two minutes every week. So this is it.

Speaker 3 And so this is like the most analyzed part of my life, whether, you know, your tie is crooked or your shirt does something, you know, whatever it is.

Speaker 3 But apparently, occasionally, right before I start talking, I like bite my lip. Like I go,

Speaker 3 something like that. I don't know.
And so then.

Speaker 3 the whether I bit my lip was like a betting line or something.

Speaker 3 I have no idea. And, but that became a thing.
So then I had to think about not screwing up the slide, not hitting owl, and not biting my lip in order to do all this stuff.

Speaker 3 So now I can't remember what I'm going to talk about.

Speaker 3 So I'm like, this is just overwhelming my brain.

Speaker 3 This is too much for me. So, but now occasionally I'll I'll do it and I'll bite my lip.
not on purpose, but

Speaker 3 I went, oh, crap, I bit my lip. And I kind of start laughing a little bit.

Speaker 6 And I go, this is, this is insanity this is my two minutes my two minutes on TV every week and I'm thinking about whether I bit my lip over slid my slide or bumped in now like this is this is just stupid I think we were grading you at some point we were doing like a pro football focus focus on your slide and like issuing you a grade on every single one and the the lip bite was a big part of that there would be like a lip bite are you wearing the quarter zip are you gonna like do that thing where you look at the camera and kind of give a little wink to america's housewives out there there were all sorts of elements that came into play for the Collinsworth slide.

Speaker 6 But I think you've got it to a point where you are just constantly in the zone on it. I don't think you've screwed one up in at least like two, three years.
Tops.

Speaker 3 You guys have ruined it for everything. Like everything you guys do is funny and you make a t-shirt and you make $10 bazillion dollars.
And I'm sure you've got a sunglasses

Speaker 3 contract now. And you've got a baseball.
Everything Chicago, you own. And I like, I get it, all that stuff.
So now our guys want to do like a t-shirt of the slide.

Speaker 3 I'm like, no, this is the only thing cool that I do in my entire life. I am not screwing it up.

Speaker 3 So if you guys want to do a t-shirt, do a t-shirt, make a million dollars, and then when I come to Chicago or I come to Washington or Boston or one of the places and you guys owe me dinner.

Speaker 1 Okay, deal, deal. And you have to bring Al too, because I had, we'll move on to football and broadcasting.

Speaker 1 You guys, I read a story about how when you started out, you were just stuffing your head with stats all the time and not enjoying the moment and enjoying your friendship with Al Michaels.

Speaker 1 So was there a moment that you consciously said to yourself, I need to just relax? Because I think you guys have great chemistry and that's paramount.

Speaker 1 Stats and information are important, but chemistry in the booth is what makes a successful watch for fans.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think the key to broadcasting is eating and drinking. I really do.
Because, I mean, seriously, we go to dinner. Al used to wear me out about it because he would get mad.
He would say,

Speaker 3 what don't you know about these two teams? I know you. All week long, you're stuffed down in the basement and you do all this stuff and you're doing all this homework.

Speaker 3 And what you need to do is just have a laugh. I mean, it's here we are the night before the game.
And it's still a show, right? What you guys do is sports related, but it's a show.

Speaker 3 And what we do is football related, but it's a show. So he talked me into it.
So then I started going out on Friday night and we had a great time.

Speaker 3 And I was like, hey man, show the show actually is getting better. And then we started, I said, all right, I'll do it Friday night and we'll do it Saturday night.

Speaker 3 And we go out on Friday night and Saturday night.

Speaker 3 And we sometimes we have our wives, sometimes we have like great friends in various cities and cool people that'll come and have dinner with us and all that kind of stuff. And

Speaker 3 Now we just, it's like we know each other so well.

Speaker 3 Like you two spend so much time together that you don't have to talk to know what the other one's thinking or, or sensing, or if it's time to, you know, set them up or whatever.

Speaker 3 And we're kind of the same way, you know, we're just like old like golfing farts and we just have fun, you know?

Speaker 1 But it works. Yeah.
That is the key, I think, because you guys make it seamless and it never feels forced.

Speaker 6 And if you guys are having fun, America watching at home picks up on that and we start to have fun because it's always fun to be around guys that are just being dudes. Right.

Speaker 3 That's what you guys did, right? I mean, out of

Speaker 3 everything, and I kind of study what you guys do. Our PFF is, you know, we're like, we're like a dog little brother of your guys' stuff here.
So,

Speaker 3 but, but we enjoy watching what you guys have been able to do, which I think is to be authentic, right? To

Speaker 3 not take yourself too seriously,

Speaker 3 to have a laugh,

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 3 hope that something gets screwed up along the way because then you're going to really laugh harder.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 3 Like Johnny Carson is way too old for you guys to know who that is, but it was a guy.

Speaker 3 It was the first time in my life I ever understood that sometimes the best part of live television was the screw-ups, right? Like he had a great way of sort of getting himself out of the screw-ups.

Speaker 3 And I've seen enough of your guys' shows, and you keep reserve tapes, right, on people.

Speaker 3 And anytime something starts going too well for that person, one of these clips are going to come out, and they're going to get humiliated back to where they were when they were in the basement, tweeting out a couple of things, trying to, you know,

Speaker 3 get PFT mad at something, right?

Speaker 6 Our show is like 90% screw-ups at this point, which is why people love it so much.

Speaker 1 So, all right, so it's an interesting point that you bring up about, you know, like having fun and not taking yourself too seriously, but your website, Pro Football Focus, you guys do grade the players and you give opinions and you give stats and that can sometimes get difficult.

Speaker 1 So have you had to kind of reconcile that in your brain where you're talking to guys teams before you do a broadcast, knowing that, you know, Pro Football Focus might have been harsh on them or graded them a certain way.

Speaker 3 And how do you kind of reconcile those two things yeah i'll throw my guys under the bus in a heartbeat believe me you guys know all about that i i know that now but but i i i get it because we do do that right and i have had some people really mad at me over that yeah uh look sean mccoy you guys suck a bunch of nerds who never played a lick of football in your whole life that's an exact tweet Yeah,

Speaker 3 that's appropriate.

Speaker 1 Even for me, actually.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 I think that's dead on.

Speaker 3 But, you know, it's like the math is the math and the grade is the grade and and like there were games that my son who was captain at notre dame had a bad game and he got a bad grade and he has guys that are friends of his that play in the nfl and he has teammates we grade the colleges too and that they get mad at him and then they get mad at me and then when i go in for a meeting like i've had 330 pound men come up and like chest bump me because they were mad like walk like down the hallway and like bump into me.

Speaker 3 One guy, I said, I just need you to know that you can do whatever you want. I said, but I'm related to more lawyers than you know.

Speaker 3 So if you want to play for the rest of your life for me, just hit me right there.

Speaker 1 Just go ahead.

Speaker 6 You can just say that that was Taylor Luan.

Speaker 1 We, we know.

Speaker 6 That was probably him.

Speaker 3 I'll never give it up. I'll never give it up.
I think I could get out of the way of Taylor. I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 6 So, yeah, speaking of pro football focus, I've been on some of you guys' podcasts before. I know some of the guys over there.

Speaker 1 I've been,

Speaker 6 yeah, exactly. Yeah, George, Steve, I've been hammering away at this stat for the last couple years.

Speaker 6 I think that fullbacks are undervalued, but they're making a comeback right now.

Speaker 6 I think that as the pendulum shifted too far to never using a blocking back, you've seen some coaches take advantage of it. With, you know, you got Jushik out in

Speaker 6 San Francisco, who's like more of a H-back kind of guy, but you see it gradually coming back. And we've been hammering on this fullback assist stat that we came up with.

Speaker 6 And I want Pro Football Focus to make it like an actual stat that you guys can track and monitor. And a fullback assist, according to us, and you can weigh in on this and how it should be graded.

Speaker 6 If there's a touchdown scored by a running back from within five yards and there's a blocking back on the field lined up ahead of him, that fullback gets an assist on the touchdown. What do you think?

Speaker 3 So you're more of the Anthony Sherman kind of a guy.

Speaker 6 Yeah, Anthony Sherman, like the John Kuhn, if you you want to take it back a couple years, that sort of guy.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Okay.
All right. How about, how about this?

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Are we playing here a little bit? Are we negotiating?

Speaker 6 Yeah, let's negotiate. Let's do it.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 All right. So if I, if I get

Speaker 3 that stat in to PFF,

Speaker 3 and perhaps even not during the slide, not during my featured two minutes, but at some point during the game, I find a way to work in the fullback stat during the course of a sunday night football season that you are no longer pft

Speaker 1 you become pfft

Speaker 1 guys i don't know if i can have a yeah i got this i got this uh chris i have a counteroffer i have a stat it's called the fullback assist and i love it and i was hoping that i could personally ask to get it into the pff database and for you to mention on a Sunday night football game.

Speaker 1 I'll just take it and then he can't do it with you. See, I froze him.
He doesn't know what to do.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You are related to lawyers.

Speaker 1 I will change it.

Speaker 1 I got nothing.

Speaker 3 You know, my wife played for Kentucky, was a cheerleader for Kentucky, you know, big cat.

Speaker 1 I got nothing.

Speaker 1 I will change.

Speaker 3 I've got serious, I think I could even throw a little cash into the equation here. I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 I am personally willing to buy you out.

Speaker 3 I know you just signed a new multi-million dollar contract, and that's good. I'm happy for you.
So, money means.

Speaker 6 You're thinking of Tony Romo right now.

Speaker 1 You're thinking of Romo.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Not me.

Speaker 1 We get confused by each other a lot.

Speaker 3 Don't get me started on Romo, man. I'm not sleeping now for another three weeks.

Speaker 1 Yeah. How quickly did your agent call up the head of NBC after Romo signed his deal? Immediately.
And you can hear the laughter from here.

Speaker 3 He started talking about Tony Romo. Romo, I love Romo, though.
He's the best.

Speaker 3 He got my son, Jack, who was working at ESPN, now works for NBC for NBC over there, but he got him on the old hidden credit card trick, you know, where everybody has to buy dinner.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Everybody puts in their credit cards. There's like 15 dudes at the dinner.
And you can imagine with NFL players around and Jack was at the table and they had all the guys.

Speaker 3 So literally all these NFL players threw in their credit card and Jack had to throw throw in one of his credit cards too.

Speaker 3 And so he throws it in. So, of course, Romo pockets or palms Jack's card, pulls them all out one at a time.
And now he's got to be

Speaker 3 he's got to be the guy. And Jack's, you know, he's sweating over on the side, his $25,000 dinner.

Speaker 3 Hey, Dad, do you think you could chip in a little money for me, you know, on this thing? And then, of course, Romo picked up the tab and he's a hell of a guy. Yes.

Speaker 6 So I will, I'll change my name to PFF Commenter for a week, for a calendar week, and Big Cat will have to call me PFF during the podcast for that week.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I think that's fair. I think if you

Speaker 3 tell him how big our audience is, it's huge.

Speaker 3 He's the number one show nine years in a row, and he's going to get his stat in, and he's going to give me a week.

Speaker 6 I'm giving you a stat. I mean, if we're being honest here, I am helping the future of PFF because you guys are woefully behind the times when it comes to measuring fullback efficiency.
So I'm doing

Speaker 3 a fullback game is coming up short.

Speaker 6 Yeah, if anything, I should be asking you to change your name.

Speaker 3 Flip the door. Why should I change my name?

Speaker 6 Why not? Power shifted it on him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, why not?

Speaker 6 Briss Collinsworth.

Speaker 3 I think this is going south. I do think, honestly,

Speaker 3 I think it's a chance for you to be bigger than the slide.

Speaker 3 I think you can be bigger than the slide. I do.

Speaker 1 Well, let's table this. We'll table this negotiation and we'll have an ongoing discussion about it because we need to lawyer up clearly with this.
So we'll do that.

Speaker 1 I wanted to talk about football coming back. Hopefully it will.
We're going to be positive. It's going to happen.

Speaker 1 Patrick Mahomes signs a 500. I don't like the face you just did, Chris.
Actually, you know what? We're doing a thing with we had Willie McGinnis on last week.

Speaker 1 You have to tell us that football is going to get played because we trust that you know more than us, and then we tell other people that trust us.

Speaker 1 And then eventually it just becomes a game of telephone where the whole country's like, yeah, of course football is being played. Someone told me.

Speaker 1 I don't like this.

Speaker 1 Come on like this, Chris.

Speaker 3 All right. Here's what I'm going to say.
All right. And I know nothing.
All right. I'm just going to give you my opinion.
Right. I don't, I honestly don't know.

Speaker 3 I think college football is going to be tough.

Speaker 1 Yep. Yep.

Speaker 3 Because now you got to involve mama, right? Now you got to get the okay

Speaker 3 from mama and the board of regents and the professors. And are there really going to be students on campus? And are they going to play in an empty stadium? And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right?

Speaker 3 I hope they play in the spring, honestly, because I never get to watch as much college football as I would like to watch. So I hope they play in the spring.

Speaker 3 That'd be great for me personally, but that's my own personal thing. The NFL, though, I do think we'll give it a go.
I think they're going to try

Speaker 3 and we'll see where it goes. And there'll be some people who

Speaker 3 get sick. There'll be some people who opt out.
There'll be some people that won't want to play. But I was around in 1987 when the player strike happened and they had replacement players that came in.

Speaker 3 And they had guys that had never played in the NFL. And they put on Dallas Cowboy jerseys and Washington Redskins jerseys.
And after about three three weeks,

Speaker 3 a friend of mine came up to me and he goes, Chris, I got some bad news for you. He said, it's about over for you guys.
And I said, what are you talking about? We're going strong.

Speaker 3 This is a good strike. This is just.
It's the whole thing. And he said, Vegas' betting line is starting to get pretty good.

Speaker 3 And people are starting to wager on those guys in the Redskins uniforms, playing against those guys in the Cowboys uniforms.

Speaker 3 And because it's not like NFL players playing against those guys, it's those guys playing against those guys that it doesn't really matter to the average fan who's coming out.

Speaker 3 They just want to have fantasy football and they want to make a bet and they want to, you know, do whatever the case may be. So I think that somebody will be playing.

Speaker 3 Will it be every single NFL player? Maybe not, but I think somebody will be playing.

Speaker 1 Okay, we'll have football. Okay, so we're going to have football on a scale of eight to ten.

Speaker 6 How likely do you think it is that we'll have football?

Speaker 1 Nine. Okay, 90% chance.
90% chance we have football this year. Okay, so let's talk some football then.

Speaker 1 You watch it, obviously.

Speaker 1 You're part of the game, but you also have the website that we mentioned, Pro Football Focus, which does great stuff. You want your fantasy guide.
They have a great one.

Speaker 1 Honestly, if you're not registered with Pro Football Focus, you're not a football guy. I'll just say it because it has all the information.

Speaker 1 That's better than the name change. Yeah,

Speaker 1 from your perspective, how do teams constantly screw up the draft?

Speaker 1 And why, like, do you think it's getting better or worse when it comes to scouting and projecting these guys going from college to NFL?

Speaker 3 Because it's impossible not to take the pretty girl. It's impossible.

Speaker 3 How do you, I mean, I do this all the time.

Speaker 3 I do the draft every year and I just pretend like I'm the guy making the decision. And every year you look back after like three years at the guys you would have drafted and you go, I'm a moron.

Speaker 3 It's like 50%. I mean, in the first round, it's like, I mean, how can you miss on the top 32 players that are playing college football, right?

Speaker 3 But my theory is it's the pretty girl because when you get a guy who's six foot six and runs 4'5 and bench presses, you know, 400 pounds and he, you know, and.

Speaker 3 yeah maybe he's in and every fifth play is this freakish play in which he goes around and he throws the guy against the wall and he comes in and sacks the quarterback and they put together a 10 highlight package and they put it on television and the media gets all wound up.

Speaker 3 Look at that. That is the most incredible 10 plays I've ever seen and social media takes over.
And yet that's not what football is.

Speaker 3 Football is a grind, man. Football is.
I can't move my right knee.

Speaker 3 My elbow is locked up in this position and shakes during the course of the game my head is killing me and i've still got to go play the the the world champions right and you it's what it is i mean the the so it takes people who have those kinds of bodies and those kind of skills but they have that kind of heart that even when they're a mess even they're when they're a total wreck they're still going to slam their head into that brick wall and make those plays.

Speaker 3 And those guys exist, right?

Speaker 3 I mean, those guys exist out there, but a lot of times you find them in the second and third and the fourth round and they run 4-6 or 4-7 instead of 4-5 and they can't vertical jump 42 inches, which I don't know other than a wide receiver, a defensive back, why we care about that.

Speaker 3 So, you know, I think that's what it is. I really do.
I just think it's easy to fall in love with a pretty girl.

Speaker 6 Yeah, especially if there's not that much tape on, like hypothetically, if there was a player that started 16 games in college, 13 games.

Speaker 6 Excuse me, 13 games.

Speaker 1 The Sunbowl is important to college.

Speaker 6 Yeah, he started an important

Speaker 1 technically stanford.

Speaker 4 They were BCS eligible.

Speaker 6 A player like that, it might be easier to miss on in the first three picks.

Speaker 3 It could be. I personally was surprised that that person did not go in the first three picks, but you know, it happens.
It's happened.

Speaker 3 You know, there's been some great athletes that just never got a... proper opportunity.

Speaker 6 We're going to get back to Chris real quick, but before we do.

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Speaker 6 Now back to Chris Collinsworth.

Speaker 6 I have a question about Al Michaels because you guys do spend so much time around each other. Have you ever seen his top row of teeth?

Speaker 3 God, come to think of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Don't exist.

Speaker 6 I've never seen him. He's really good at just.

Speaker 1 He just goes, that's all you see with Al.

Speaker 6 All you see with him.

Speaker 3 Are they straight?

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's impossible to tell.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I don't know. I think it might somehow be related to his golf swing.

Speaker 6 He knocked out his top teeth.

Speaker 3 Maybe because, I mean, Al's

Speaker 3 this guy he plays with sends me a lot of pictures of Al.

Speaker 3 Like every time Al is on one foot with his other foot on a branch and he's standing upside down trying to hit another ball under the tree. That he sends, he snaps that picture and sends it to me.

Speaker 3 So I think that Al may have knocked his teeth out at one point.

Speaker 1 I don't know, but I'll ask him. Okay, so I have another Al Michaels question.
This always is

Speaker 1 a tricky spot for me when I remember a story and then I Google it, and then the only thing I could find is myself blogging it from like seven years ago.

Speaker 1 But does Al eat an entire dinner during the broadcast?

Speaker 1 Yes, I think the answer is yes. He's trying to definitely qualify as an entire dinner right now.

Speaker 3 He definitely has appetizers

Speaker 3 and a main course. Have I ever seen him

Speaker 3 all the way through dessert and after-dinner drinks? I don't think so.

Speaker 1 When does he eat?

Speaker 1 In the commercials?

Speaker 3 All the time.

Speaker 1 That's incredible. He's just eating dinner with us.
He's such a pro. he just eats dinner with us on a Sunday night in the fall.

Speaker 3 All the time. I mean, so, yeah, we have, we have, although I'm a little worried, I don't know, can you serve food now with the whole quarantine?

Speaker 3 True. It's going to be a problem.
We might have to have delivery. We might have to have like Uber, like pull in the booth or something.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Do you eat with him during the broadcast?

Speaker 10 No, I can't eat.

Speaker 3 You know why? Because then I have to like swallow all the time.

Speaker 3 I mean, when you're eating, right, you get that thing where you start talking, then you got to go, hold on, America, let me.

Speaker 1 But Al can do it, and everybody knows it.

Speaker 3 Everybody knows what you're doing.

Speaker 3 Why did you ask the question?

Speaker 1 So, how does Al do it?

Speaker 3 I don't know. He's the best.

Speaker 1 He is the best. It's incredible.

Speaker 6 Joe Buck was telling us that he used to drink a beer in the fourth quarter, right?

Speaker 1 No, he would, in a baseball game, he would sometimes sip on a beer to kind of like relax himself in the later innings. But Al eats a whole meal.

Speaker 6 Joe Buck was the one that told us that he peed into a bottle one time in the booth. Have you ever had to pee during like an actual game?

Speaker 3 All the time. And sometimes they're way down the hallway.

Speaker 3 And, you know, because you've got to, I mean, you guys don't do it, but I've already had a whole glass of water just doing this interview. So you're drinking and drinking and drinking, right?

Speaker 3 And you're trying to do that. And then sometimes you got to go, Al, pick me up here, you know, and you try to wait for the two-minute warning or some longer commercial break.

Speaker 3 But when you got to go, I've never done the

Speaker 3 now, the thing under the the table.

Speaker 1 All right, so this upcoming season, there's obviously seven teams that make the playoffs now, but there's always a team or two teams that come from nowhere and end up being in the playoffs.

Speaker 1 What teams do you have circled this upcoming season, and why are they the Chicago Bears?

Speaker 3 Well, you know,

Speaker 3 they have a multitude of quarterbacks there now. True.

Speaker 3 I was surprised you had not signed, actually, yet.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I still have a chance as a tight end because I think we only have 11 right now. So we need at least 12 or 13.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the Chicago Bears.

Speaker 3 Is Nick Foles really going to be the quarterback?

Speaker 1 You're the expert.

Speaker 1 Why don't you like Nick Foles?

Speaker 3 I love Nick Foles. Nick Foles was, he played.
The two greatest games I've ever seen played by a quarterback, I think. I may have to put Brady in the Super Bowl when they were down 28 to 3.

Speaker 3 But it was Nick Foles in that Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 Al and I

Speaker 1 called

Speaker 3 that game, right?

Speaker 3 That one, that one for sure.

Speaker 3 And the other one has to do with a quarterback who's no longer in the league right now, who played a game in New England

Speaker 3 that was off the charts. Colin Kafernick, and I don't want to stir this pot again, but the night they played New England and it was a Sunday night game, it was the worst weather night.

Speaker 3 And I've been in some horrendous stuff in New England.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's awful weather up there late in the year.

Speaker 3 And so we were standing,

Speaker 3 we did our pregame thing in the tunnel, you know, the tunnel on the whichever side that would be, the Boston side of,

Speaker 3 and the wind was blowing like 50 miles an hour, and it was like 31 degrees, and it was misty, rainy kind of thing.

Speaker 3 And I couldn't even move my lips to do the

Speaker 3 pregame show. I mean, it was, it was horrendous.
So I go up to the booth and I go, Al, 10-7 at best.

Speaker 3 I'm telling you, 10s, there's no way anybody can throw in this kind of wet and wind and against these teams and all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 3 Kaffernet came out there and this thing was 37, 34. Brady had just let him down for another touchdown to take the lead late in the game.

Speaker 3 There's like a minute and a half to go and Kaepernick takes them right down the field the other way and scores the game winning touchdown. And I looked over now and I said, that is impossible.

Speaker 3 What those two guys did tonight is absolutely impossible.

Speaker 3 And so, you know, I've always struggled with the Kaepernick thing and I get it. And, you know, people, they don't want whatever it is.

Speaker 1 They don't want distractions and all the different things but that night that guy was as good as any quarterback i ever saw a play right there it's crazy i'm looking at the box score right now and it doesn't pop off on the box score but i remember that game too he had he had uh he was 14 for 25 with four touchdowns and you think 14 for 25 that's not that great brady was 36 for 65.

Speaker 1 When has Tom Brady

Speaker 1 had that many incompletions? Like, that's crazy. So, and it was a 41-34 game where they won at the end, scored, yeah, like like late, you know, comeback.
That's interesting.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Nick Foles, you saw it, though. You don't think he can replicate it, or do you think it's are there guys like that?

Speaker 1 How, let me let me phrase this a different way: how do you grade someone in pro football focus that has a ceiling that is astronomical, but that game-to-game average is tough to kind of grasp what exactly he is?

Speaker 3 We grade every single play and every single game for every single player, right?

Speaker 3 And so it just is what it is. So there's no difference between an offensive lineman when he's playing against J.J.
Watt and some fifth string guy, right?

Speaker 3 We just evaluate and grade what that guy did on every single snap that he played, right? So there's no denying that we've seen every single play that's happened in college football and NFL football.

Speaker 3 So whether you want to agree with us, disagree with us, whatever the case, that's fine.

Speaker 3 we all understand that we think our grades are the best indicator of what this guy is going to be long term and it's proven pretty true so as we as we look at these guys you go it just is what it is right i mean nick foles has been one of the most ungodly playoff quarterbacks in certain situations that we've ever seen.

Speaker 3 I mean, he has just been phenomenal in that Super Bowl against Tom Brady. I mean, you would have thought he was playing backyard pickup football.
I think I even made the comment during the game.

Speaker 3 It's like, he's not nervous at all. I mean, he just looks like he's out, you know, playing catch or something out here.

Speaker 3 And I said, oh, this is going to, you know, as we go down the road, we get to the third quarter, we get to the fourth quarter, he's going to fade. There's no way Tom Brady, all that.
He never faded.

Speaker 3 And yet we have not seen that. in the game in, game out consistency, you know, of what he's done throughout the course of his career.
Could he put it all together? I hope so.

Speaker 3 He's one of the nicest human beings on God's green earth. I mean, he's just a great dude.

Speaker 3 But, you know, you got to see it. You got to see it.
But I will say this: he's got huge hands. He can throw it in Chicago weather.

Speaker 3 So, and he can, you know, he can move around a little bit too. So

Speaker 3 it'll be really interesting to see what they do this year. I can't wait to see who comes out of that one.

Speaker 1 So, one last question about the grading. How do you

Speaker 1 have everyone grade every single play

Speaker 1 how are there times when the assignment of a player they're doing something that you guys don't even know or understand or defense is doing something a guy is assigned to do something different than what usually happens how do you rectify that well we basically have three people that grade every single play so we have a blind

Speaker 1 one person does it that's blind yeah how do you do it the other person huh how do you do it blind

Speaker 6 you just listen No, no, I mean, like, what does that actually mean?

Speaker 1 It is kind of funny to call him blind, but like,

Speaker 3 he does it by himself.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 So, right. So

Speaker 3 they're not in the same room. So this guy grades it.
This guy grades it. If they have the same grade, it goes through.

Speaker 3 If they don't, then we bring in one of our coaches or former players or guys that have standing that have been there for the full 12 or 13 years of the company.

Speaker 3 And we have debates and we debate those plays. And if none of if if we can't just can't figure it out, we just leave it alone.

Speaker 3 We make it a zero grade, which means that, you know, we're not giving them positive or negative.

Speaker 6 Interesting. What about if it's like Josh Allen and he drops back and he throws the ball like 65 yards in the air with just like a flick of the wrist?

Speaker 6 And it's really cool to watch, but it's an incomplete pass. Does that get a higher grade than a normal incompletion?

Speaker 3 No, but

Speaker 3 stats are great liars. They really are.
Like there was a game where Aaron Rodgers threw a deep ball, right?

Speaker 3 And it came down to the receiver's hands and it hit him right in the hands, right in the hands. It was an incredible throw.
And it bounced off his hands.

Speaker 3 And the defensive back who was beaten by two yards was running behind him, bounced off his hands, went right to the defensive back, who took off and returned it, right?

Speaker 3 So in the in the stat sheet, you would go, Aaron Rodgers, that's a horrible play. You just threw an interception.
The wide receiver, you know, got open and dropped the ball. So he's going to get it.

Speaker 3 And the defensive back was, you know, gets a positive because he got an interception but in our system rogers gets the great grade right the defensive back gets crushed for getting beat on a deep ball and the wide receiver gets crushed for for dropping the ball so we don't do what the result was we do what the guy did on the play which sometimes make people crazy we had one we had aaron rogers one time one game he was player of the week and he threw five touchdown passes in the game and we had him as either just a zero grade or maybe even slightly negative because he had three passes that should have been intercepted that were thrown right in the hands of linebackers or defensive backs that they all dropped him.

Speaker 3 And the touchdowns were like a quick flare in the flat, a screen pass and went on like that. So, you know, I mean, we're, I know we make people insane.
I know we do.

Speaker 3 It makes them crazy. But I always tell the players, if they want to debate me, let's go watch the film.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'll go show you the grades right i'll show them to you this is what happened on this play this is why we did it and so but they get fired up man and i'm not that big a guy you know i used to play wide receiver and i could use some uh you know i could big cat i could use a heavy you know yeah i got you

Speaker 1 this stuff is fascinating to me can you tell me that uh maybe mitch trubiski isn't as bad as his play Is there like a spin zone on that? We can cut this if it's if it truly is that bad.

Speaker 1 well

Speaker 1 he's a great runner and i think that's what you like to see from your quarterback

Speaker 3 um you know and i think that when he gets his feet set he does okay you know he can run fairly accurately he's got a good receiver and allen robinson i really like him he's a good player and um but

Speaker 6 Is there something to be said for the fact that you can be so inaccurate that it makes your balls actually harder to intercept? Like it's a double-edged sword. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's a solid point. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, do we have to give Josh Allen and some of those guys credit if they throw it so hard that the guy drops it?

Speaker 6 Yeah, exactly. Like, if you break, if you break a defensive back's finger just by throwing a tight spiral at him, that's pretty cool.
That's what I was getting at with Josh Allen.

Speaker 6 Like, I'm big on grading players and just how cool they look sometimes.

Speaker 3 Who's the coolest guy? Who do you think?

Speaker 6 Coolest guy. I mean, Josh Allen is it's tough to beat when he throws like a 70-yard bomb to Sean.

Speaker 1 Sean Watson's pretty, pretty fucking cool when he's moving around in the middle of the moment. How about Garoppolo?

Speaker 3 I mean, Garoppolo is like the best-looking human being on earth. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Garoppolo never gets mad. He never gets mad.

Speaker 1 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 13 No matter what anybody says about him, he just comes in the room and he's got this, like, if you're selling toothpaste, this is definitely the dude that you want, you know, doing your commercial, right?

Speaker 13 And he's just has that look. And hey, how are you guys? I mean, it's amazing.
I mean, some of these quarterbacks now are just so,

Speaker 14 so out of my league. Like I walked in and you just want to go, you know, I'm not worthy.

Speaker 13 I'm not worthy of this conversation.

Speaker 13 And now they're making half a billion dollars.

Speaker 6 I'm intimidated. I would say that Kittle is pretty cool when he plays too.
He just gets mad and runs people out. Oh, he's the best.
That's just an awesome play to watch.

Speaker 13 You know what? He's the coolest guy out of anybody to interview because

Speaker 13 he just loves it. Like, like, Grock has a little bit of that in him, too.
And they both have a little bit of this

Speaker 13 little kid thing you know like they're just they're just having a good time you know and then we're going to party after the game and it's going to be awesome and you're never going to tackle me like his coach has convinced him that nobody can tackle him you go back to that new orleans game like the biggest play of the year last year yep fourth and one or whatever and he dragged the whole saints field down the sideline and i mean he's really he really thinks that that he they can't tackle him yeah they need to pay him too i i think you can make the argument that a great tight end like a a Gronkowski or like Greg Kittle is what we call him

Speaker 6 If you're that good at that position, I think you're more it you're worth more to your team than like an elite wide receiver So I actually think like there's some there's some merit to that argument like when Jimmy Graham was trying to get paid as a wide receiver with the franchise tag a couple years ago I think that Kittle could make that same argument well and here's here's the argument I'm gonna I'm gonna take up your cause here for a minute because in San Francisco's offense and Kyle Shanahan's offense, it's all about getting that outside zone running thing going.

Speaker 3 You know what I'm talking about? Where all five offensive linemen move one way at the same time, and then the running back just kind of goes.

Speaker 3 And so the tight end is either at the point of attack if they're going wide, or if they're cutting back, usually he's coming back across the other way to block. This guy is an SOB blocking now.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you,

Speaker 3 he and Gronk and a handful of guys are

Speaker 3 ungodly blockers as they play, and they can do everything the other guys can do as receivers. Now, to me, Travis Kelsey's the best receiving tight end.

Speaker 3 You know, he has legitimate wide receiver kind of moves playing tight end, but the combo package right now, George Kittle,

Speaker 3 I think we had him as the best player in the NFL last year.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 6 I read that your dad was named Abraham Lincoln.

Speaker 3 Is that true? Yeah, he was the principal in my high school, too.

Speaker 6 Your dad was named Abraham.

Speaker 6 Why did he decide to not name you Abraham Lincoln? Like when you were born, he took one look and he was like, nah, he's not going to be able to live up to that name.

Speaker 3 I could have been so close to being like ABJ2, you know,

Speaker 3 I could have had like a cool name like OBJ or something like that. Now, his

Speaker 3 father.

Speaker 3 I probably,

Speaker 3 excuse me, shouldn't do this whole story, but

Speaker 3 his other two brothers were named after presidents. His mother got so sick of

Speaker 3 my grandfather naming all after presidents, he came in and told the doctor that his name was Abraham Lincoln.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 his mother turned around and said that his name is Charles.

Speaker 3 And so my father needed a birth certificate.

Speaker 3 he tried to go to the hospital where he was born and get a birth certificate. And they said, I'm sorry, sir, there is no Abraham Lincoln Collinsworth.

Speaker 1 He said, but there is a

Speaker 3 George here and or Charles here. And that would you be interested in him? And so they look up and, of course, it's his date.

Speaker 3 And they had, he had no idea for 75 years of his life that his real name on his birth certificate was was actually Charles and not Abraham Lincoln Collinsworth.

Speaker 1 Wow. So wait, what were the other president names? Obama.

Speaker 3 Well, actually, I don't know. Are they all presidents? I'm going to embarrass myself.
Alexander Hamilton.

Speaker 1 Ben Franklin. Yep, you're nailing it.

Speaker 1 Alexander. Sam Adams

Speaker 3 and William McKinley.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's kind of a cool move. I like that.
All right.

Speaker 1 If I had to give you,

Speaker 1 I said to you, Chris, for the rest of your broadcasting career, you can say one of these two phrases, but you can't say the other one.

Speaker 1 Here's a guy, or we talked about which one are you taking with you?

Speaker 3 Here's a guy.

Speaker 1 Okay. I figured that.

Speaker 3 I can't walk 15 feet.

Speaker 1 Yo,

Speaker 1 here's a guy.

Speaker 3 I mean, seriously, do you guys have those kinds of things?

Speaker 1 Oh, all the time. All the time.
It's impossible.

Speaker 3 If you would ask me if you would have bet me a million dollars if i've ever said now here's a guy more than 15 times in my life you would have taken my million dollars i had no idea that's the great thing about the internet yes

Speaker 3 like all all the zits and all the the ugliness of anything you've ever done in your life people point it out to you right away it's it's going to fall on deaf ears because um we're

Speaker 1 talking from a point of having a podcast, being on Sunday night football. When you get taped constantly,

Speaker 1 everything you say played back to you, it's so clear that, guess what? I don't know a lot of words. I'm kind of an idiot.
So when it's played back to me, I'm like, you use this word a lot.

Speaker 1 I'm like, yeah, I probably learned it last week. That's probably why I started throwing it in my repertoire.
Look, even that, that was impressive. Repertoire.

Speaker 3 So Al knows a lot of words. So he probably has never said, now here's a guy in his whole life.

Speaker 1 Right, right. But I just, it's got to come up.
It's tough.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 3 You guys, you got to come up with a new phrase for me.

Speaker 3 You know, I've been doing this long enough now. I should have, you know, at least one new phrase per decade that I've been in broadcast.

Speaker 1 You should throw in a dude every now and then. Like

Speaker 1 a dozio.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Does that date me though? Is dude like a 70s?

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 It could be a football phase. It's only when Dom Brown, we interviewed him, Michigan defensive coordinator, actually invented that, like the phrase, the calling guys dudes.

Speaker 1 So he basically breaks down his entire roster and he has guys and then he has dudes. And dudes are the guys that are like, you know, you can trust and they're blue chip guys.

Speaker 1 So I think every now and then, like if George Kittle breaks a bunch of blocks or tackles, you can be like, that is a dude.

Speaker 1 So it's not something you say all often, but every now and then you can break it out and be like, that was a dude.

Speaker 3 What if I just narrowed it a little bit? You know, like I've seen this a couple of times in movies where something like that happens, where it's just like so cool. And you just go, dude.

Speaker 1 Dude.

Speaker 3 I don't even have to say now there's it, right?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Dude. Yes.

Speaker 3 I think, how do you think Al would react to that?

Speaker 6 Just a dude? He'd probably call you Spikoli.

Speaker 1 Spokoli. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 And I feel like that's right in his wheelhouse.

Speaker 3 Spokoli is like the greatest of all time. You had to have been called Spokoli at least once.

Speaker 6 Once or twice. Once or twice I have.
What about just throwing out a, this guy's a Haas?

Speaker 1 I love hearing the word Haas.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but you know, that was Keith Jackson.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 3 you know.

Speaker 3 But so I just, I need.

Speaker 1 Well, we have homework. We have two things.
We've got to figure out our negotiation for the fullback assist, and we'll give you a new phrase. I think we were up for the challenge.

Speaker 1 So I had two final questions. The first was,

Speaker 1 does Al write down what his bets are on a card beforehand so that he doesn't forget it during the game, or how does that work?

Speaker 3 Al doesn't forget anything.

Speaker 3 Anything.

Speaker 3 And I'm sure that Al Michaels would never bet or gamble on anything type of sporting event. Correct.
That would be, it might damage his reputation.

Speaker 1 Correct.

Speaker 6 He just sends you down onto the field before the game to give him the weather report and come back and be like, Al, it's 10 to 7. No more.
I swear to God, no one's scoring 15 points in this game.

Speaker 3 I'm the bad man. That's what I am.

Speaker 1 I'm just the bad man.

Speaker 1 Have you had that discussion with them at all, though, about gambling becoming legalized across the country?

Speaker 1 And as it becomes more in popular culture, will you guys be working that more into broadcast? Because clearly, Al loves it.

Speaker 1 He drops nuggets and he talks, you know, guys, guy talk at the end of games, knows why people are still watching a blowout because the over-under is in doubt or whatever it may be.

Speaker 1 But have you guys had that conversation about how you're going to adapt?

Speaker 3 You know what? Al loves being the rascal.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 That's his word for it. He goes, you know, and like you guys can't be rascals because you're allowed to say anything at any time.

Speaker 1 It was going to be dickheads. Right.

Speaker 3 You can't be rascals because this is what you do. But Al, because he's on national television and there are certain rules and NBC would fire us for certain things that we would say, he has to

Speaker 3 let the devil sneak out every once in a while, right?

Speaker 3 And so the gambling thing, I think, had always been his little bit of the rascal. But now, are you still a rascal if you talk about gambling?

Speaker 3 Because now it's legal and you got, you know, the NFL is tied to casinos and, you know, and you got. Is it a rascal anymore? So now he's got to come up with, you know, something new, I think.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 6 How can Al become a rascal in this modern day of legalized?

Speaker 3 That's a third, that's a third homework assignment.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, sorry, we got that one.
We got three now.

Speaker 6 I'm going to put my brain to that one because I think I could figure out a way that Al could kind of like still maintain his bad boy credibility. I just need to know where that line is.

Speaker 6 Yeah, how to elegantly cross it.

Speaker 3 The titillation, we need a little titillation that used to be able to come from a gambling reference.

Speaker 1 What if he just started doing that? What is it now? Yeah, what if he did the broadcast topless?

Speaker 3 Man, Smokey the Bear, there'd be too much hair, I think.

Speaker 3 He has to wear a tie. He has to.
Otherwise, like, his hair would, like, just explode out. It would just be too much.

Speaker 1 All right. So my last question.

Speaker 1 You can, you could say this is totally fake, but were you on the Jeff Ruby's waterfront restaurant when it when it the moorings came across came off and you guys just floated the restaurant floated down the Ohio River?

Speaker 3 Yes, I was I was on the boat. And so I was a part owner of the restaurants, right? So I own basically like a toilet.
That's how much of that restaurant I own. It was a multi-million dollar restaurant.

Speaker 3 And so the river, I don't know if you guys have ever lived on a river, but the river, instead of being at pool, which is like 25 feet, was raging at like 60 feet.

Speaker 3 It's like a white water rafting kind of river, right? And this, this, so this usually the ramps to get on this floating boat were like down.

Speaker 3 And this day, it was like almost straight up.

Speaker 3 And so at some point, we're in there having dinner in a restaurant. And everything starts doing like the Titanic things, like snap, pop, doom.
You know, the boat starts moving.

Speaker 3 And it's, and this restaurant is way top heavy. So it literally could have come over.
at any time.

Speaker 3 Luckily, it kind of got caught in its own little moorings there, but now all the ramps to get off have been destroyed.

Speaker 1 You're on a boat. They're all gone.
You're on a boat.

Speaker 3 On a boat. And so it's like 30 feet between the fire department, which is now there and the boat with still like 200 people on here.

Speaker 3 So as one of the owners of the restaurant, the general manager and I go outside and the fire department slides this ladder up to the thing, right?

Speaker 3 And so it's like a 30-foot, so but we got to tie it on or something. And so none of us are like seaworthy kind of guys.

Speaker 3 So I'm sitting there going, all right, so I'm tying granny knots with like my shoelaces to get this thing to stay on there. And so kind of test it a little bit.
And, but now somebody's got to try it.

Speaker 3 And I was like, well, I tied the granny knots. Let me, let me try it.
So, and remember now, the water is raging right beneath me. and I get on this ladder.

Speaker 3 I don't know if I can show you this properly. So the boat's like here and the ladder's like this.
So I, there's about two feet of lag up here. So I step my foot on this ladder and it goes

Speaker 1 like that.

Speaker 3 Like I've got like six inches of reserve ladder now on this thing, but I'm firmly on the ladder and I go, screw it. I'm going down the ladder.
So I go down the ladder. I make it fine, right?

Speaker 3 and so it's it's good so now my wife my family my friends are all back on the boat so i turn around and i'm going to get back up on the boat and this fireman goes oh hell no i got 200 people to get off this boat on that ladder you're not getting back on the thing and i go okay that's logical that makes sense unbeknownst to me

Speaker 3 There are at least 12 news stations that have now parked themselves up on the hillside and they are watching all this as it's taking place.

Speaker 3 So they're all shooting me as the first one to come off the boat, right? Yep. And not going back on it.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 no. Now here I came first, not for the first time.
You were the first one on Earth. Now, wow, you're that rich guy in Titanic.
Uh-huh. Surely there must be room for a job.

Speaker 1 Your Billy's in.

Speaker 3 Al Michaels is in Europe and he's seeing the news feed of this thing. And all they can do is take a shot of me as the first one off the boat.

Speaker 3 So I'm on talk radio the next day, and one of my partners on there is a guy named Bill Cunningham. And Bill Cunningham opens the broadcast with this.

Speaker 3 Last night, Chris Collinsworth says, damn the women and children, get my ass off of this boat.

Speaker 3 And I'm telling you, I have never had anything stick to me like Belcro for the rest of my life.

Speaker 3 Like, I wish I'd have jumped in the water and been in Louisville instead of what happened to me with that thing.

Speaker 1 And he crushed me. You're George Costanza.
You're running out, you know, the fire and you're just pushing all the women and children out of the way so you can get off first. But you know what?

Speaker 1 We needed you. We needed you.
Because who else is going to say, here's a guy on Sunday night? None of the other people.

Speaker 3 That's it. I think I have to retire that.
I honestly, I don't think I could stop saying here's a guy.

Speaker 1 No, you can't retire. I love it.

Speaker 6 Just hearing you say it right now makes me feel like there's a football game going on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's great. Yeah, it's great.
Don't let the haters get you. Well, Chris, this has been awesome.

Speaker 1 You are now a recurring guest, so you have to come on whenever we ask you to, which will be frequent in the football season.

Speaker 3 It depends on the negotiations.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the negotiations.

Speaker 6 I kind of don't want to let him go right now because I feel like, you know, if someone's in trying to buy a car, you want to keep them in the dealership.

Speaker 1 But we just want to close this fucking deal right now. We just need to get our, he's a PFT, PF, PFF.

Speaker 1 Small changes. I think he'll be back.

Speaker 6 He'll just take one line to the other side. He'll be back.

Speaker 1 He'll be back.

Speaker 1 A month. Just don't put Erica on it.

Speaker 3 I just got finished with dealing with Erica. She's too tough.

Speaker 3 I'm negotiating strictly with you two. I'm not dealing with her.

Speaker 6 You'll be hearing from our attorney, Marlin's man.

Speaker 1 Yes. Oh, yes.
Yeah. You don't want to deal with Marlin's man.
You don't want that. We'll lawyer up.
We got this. We'll think of something good.

Speaker 1 We'll think of something good and we'll make this deal work.

Speaker 1 Maybe, you know what? What we're actually going to do is we're going to get him a new awesome catchphrase free of charge. He does.
We'll toss that in. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah.
So we'll think of the free.

Speaker 6 There are a couple different levers we can pull in this negotiation. So, some give here, some take there.
We'll get back to you with our final offer. Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 3 And you've got to come up with a new rascal for Almighty.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 We can do that. Yes.
Welcome. We've got to have a new rascal.
Yes. Chris, this has been awesome.
Really, really appreciate it. Tons of fun.
And you're welcome back anytime.

Speaker 3 You guys are the best, man.

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Speaker 1 Okay, let's get to some segments. We'll wrap up the show.

Speaker 1 Are we going to run Creed Bratton on Wednesday?

Speaker 1 Let's do it for sports. We're doing some awesome interviews.

Speaker 9 Good point, PFT.

Speaker 1 Yeah. We'll see.

Speaker 6 Maybe we'll team him up with somebody else.

Speaker 1 Okay. I mean, he was pretty cool.

Speaker 6 He told some very tense drug guy stories.

Speaker 1 Very cool.

Speaker 1 All right. So we have, by the way, check our store.
Let's put them on sale tomorrow. We're going to sell not a drug guy shirts.
They're awesome. We're going to put them up.
They'll be in the store.

Speaker 1 Not a drug guy, the number one way to tell everyone that you're not a drug guy. Wink.

Speaker 6 It's absolutely a great way to find out who sold you.

Speaker 1 Yes,

Speaker 1 it's a shirt that will probably get you a lot of drugs.

Speaker 6 I wonder if, you remember those old Dare shirts that people used to wear? Yeah, it's the fault we used. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 What percentage of the people that were wearing those Dare shirts were doing so ironically? A lot.

Speaker 6 I would say that the federal government or whoever was getting funding for there probably got 90% of their budget from people who were just like big drug users.

Speaker 1 Dude, they made us sign contracts as like 10-year-olds saying we'd never do drugs.

Speaker 6 Not legally binding.

Speaker 1 It's insane. It's fucking insane.
They're like, this is going to fix it. We'll have a bunch of fucking kids sign these contracts.

Speaker 6 Just say no. Just say

Speaker 6 if we smoke fools like you on the basketball.

Speaker 1 It would be great if someone just showed up with a contract. It was like, man, sorry, man.
Busted. You said

Speaker 1 25 years ago you'd never do drugs. All right.
We have a new segment, new segment alert.

Speaker 1 Spin-off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, wow. PFT.

Speaker 6 I cucked you on that one, yeah.

Speaker 1 New segment alert. Go ahead, Hank.
No. No.
Okay. You want to say sorry to him?

Speaker 6 That was fucked up. No, I'm actually, I'm going after Hank Lubert right now because he's being very mean to our darling Jake.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Why? How? Besides beating me in ping pong?

Speaker 6 Yeah, but you're rubbing it in a little bit.

Speaker 1 No, I just, I'm 3-0 person today.

Speaker 9 He hasn't come close to beating me.

Speaker 1 That's just Jake is actually

Speaker 6 mad.

Speaker 10 No, no, of course. Hank beat me fair and square tonight.

Speaker 1 Three times.

Speaker 6 I just did not make it public the 84 other times I beat him prior to the rest of the time.

Speaker 1 Right, that's fair. There we go, Jake.

Speaker 1 Fight for yourself. All right.
A spin-off of as a white guy, we have as a straight guy for Jeremy Roenick, who is suing NBC

Speaker 1 actually as a straight guy.

Speaker 1 He's saying that

Speaker 1 he has been persecuted as a straight guy for his comments made on Spitting Chick List last year.

Speaker 6 Sexual discrimination is what he's suing. As a straight guy.
As a straight guy, because he said that Johnny Weir has made similar comments.

Speaker 1 And was fine, and it was totally fine because he's gay.

Speaker 1 And Jeremy Roenick made comments, which one of which was that Patrick Sharp is so hot, he would be fine having a threesome with him as a straight guy. Right.

Speaker 6 Well, I mean, if NBC is going to fire people for wanting to fuck Patrick Sharp, you're not going to be able to go and pro football talk anymore.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, I've long wanted to. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 6 It's going to be hilarious if this goes to trial. Right.

Speaker 6 If this becomes an actual, like, if this becomes litigation that people have to study in the future, like, Jeremy Roenick is going to have to prove how straight he is, which will be awesome.

Speaker 6 He's going to bring up his porn hub search history, show his little black book, show all the dick pics that he sent unsolicited to people.

Speaker 1 All the beer he's been drinking. Yeah.

Speaker 1 His man cave, his, you know, like little pool house that he converted into a mini bar. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jeremy Roanick fans parking only.

Speaker 6 Yeah, how many convertibles do you own?

Speaker 6 How many Creed albums do you own?

Speaker 1 Oh, man, that's perfect. I need to watch this.
Yeah, the PowerPoint of Jeremy Roanick proving how straight he is.

Speaker 6 I hope this goes to the Supreme Court. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Clarence Thomas would actually ask questions about this if it goes to the Supreme Court. Fuck, that would be awesome.
Marbury versus Chattison is what I would call it.

Speaker 1 As a straight guy. So good job, Jeremy Roanick.

Speaker 1 You've done something that I didn't legally think was possible as a straight guy.

Speaker 9 And that would mean that Whitney and Biz would be involved in a Supreme Court case.

Speaker 1 Yes. They'd be like, so when

Speaker 1 Jeremy Roane said he'd have a threesome with Patrick Sharp, did it look like he had truth in his eyes? Oh, my God. What was going on there? Seeing R.A.

Speaker 6 testify at the Supreme Court. I guess he wouldn't testify at the Supreme Court, but testify in the court of law about how straight he thought Jeremy Roanick is.

Speaker 1 Pray for the transcriber that day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We love R.A.

Speaker 1 All right, so we have Stay Woke.

Speaker 6 Yeah, he's not wicked queer.

Speaker 1 What if if NBZ proves he's gay? What? What if NBZ proves that he was like a little, you know, like

Speaker 1 he goes out the window? Right. Uh-huh.

Speaker 6 No, he has to. Jeremy Roenick has to be 100% sure.
If he wants to win this court case, he has to be like off the charts on the Kinsey's case. Yes.

Speaker 1 He has to basically be an incel. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He needs to go all the way to incel.

Speaker 6 He needs to be so straight that he doesn't fuck at all. Right.

Speaker 1 That he hates.

Speaker 1 His edges all the time. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 They're going to have to hook him up to a polygraph and just like put pictures in front of his face and just measure like it does his pulse correct.

Speaker 6 When he sees it, when he sees a nipple, well, guess what, Jeremy? It's actually a guy's nipple. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. We have stay woke.
Mark Zuckerberg surfing has hit the internet. And

Speaker 1 I, most people were talking about the fact that he is wearing way too much sunscreen. I noticed right away the dude's got a fucking donk.
He has got cheeks.

Speaker 1 Big-time cheeks. Got to ass for days.

Speaker 6 He does. It is a dunk donk in the trunk when he's on that.
And you know what?

Speaker 6 I think that he knew exactly where the camera was. He's like looking so coily over his shoulder back at the camera and being like, I know you're going to picture this cake.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 Maybe it's, maybe it's just cake.

Speaker 1 Peaches back in stock. So it's peach season.
So he,

Speaker 1 I think it's an ass implant. And I was thinking about this, like Mark Zuckerberg.
Every famous rich person,

Speaker 1 I feel like, does some type of cosmetic surgery. You would too.
If you had a ton of money and you could fix something, you'd be like, all right, fine, I'm going to fix it.

Speaker 1 Mark Zuckerberg is a nerd, though. So he can't go get a new face or

Speaker 1 he can't just do something that's so obvious. What he can do is get a fake fat ass.
Yeah. I mean, you don't think so, Hank?

Speaker 9 No, because like tech guys are so like he wears the same thing every day.

Speaker 1 But when does he have time to squat? There's no chance Mark Zuckerberg's fucking putting in the line. He was born with those buns.

Speaker 6 No, he was not.

Speaker 1 This is not nerdborn with it.

Speaker 6 It's not nerdbod at all. Yeah.
That's not an ass.

Speaker 9 Maybe he has one of those standing desks.

Speaker 6 No, well, if he has a standing desk right now, he definitely spent at least 30 years of his life sitting on his ass. Right.
That would flatten that thing right out.

Speaker 1 Billy, you think he might be on steroids? I mean, those like super rich dudes definitely get HGH and testosterone therapy. Like 100%.
Like HCG.

Speaker 10 Like, that would be, that's like,

Speaker 8 I want to get to that level where I can get shot up by like a.

Speaker 1 You're on that path. I have a theory, actually.

Speaker 6 It makes sense with the timing of it. So remember, Mark Zuckerberg went to every 50, he went to all 50 states because he was thinking about running for president.

Speaker 6 He is just trying to get Kanye West to pick him as his vice president. So he's like, I got to get a big ass and Kanye will be attracted to me like a moth to a flame.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 6 That might be true. By the way, what no one talks about in this photo is he's on an electric surfboard.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Like a nerfboard. And there's a boat right next to him that's like ready to save him.

Speaker 1 It is the glamping of surfing.

Speaker 1 He's doing the whitest, like,

Speaker 1 don't, don't let me be in the ocean by myself for more than three seconds. Yeah.
I'm pretty sure he's also bought like... He looks like Mrs.

Speaker 1 Deltfire when his mask goes out the window and he's just stuck with all the shit on his face. He put a

Speaker 6 clown came on his face.

Speaker 6 He's a weird looking dude.

Speaker 1 He is the only person in the history of the world that makes standing up on a surfboard look lame.

Speaker 1 Like, that is the coolest thing you could do is be on a surfboard in Hawaii, and then you look at him and outside the fucking huge ass that looks sick. He is lame.

Speaker 6 Do you think that this ass is as good as the fake ass that Tom Cruise had in Valkyrie? Remember that one that we

Speaker 6 dude?

Speaker 1 Speaking of which, we should

Speaker 1 Zuckerberg should show up at Jeremy Roenick's trial. That is a tape.
Uh-huh. That ass.
Listen, that ass will turn anyone.

Speaker 6 Jeremy, if you look at Mark Zuckerberg's picture for longer than two seconds, fuck, man. He's dismissed.

Speaker 1 Fucking ass. Sorry, bro.
Ass ass. Zuck.
Who would have thought

Speaker 1 Zuckerberg had a fucking ass. Damn.

Speaker 6 I think it's 90% the stance that he's in, though. Yeah, probably.
I like a thick Zuck.

Speaker 1 There we go. Good job.
All right. The only other thing I had was just a, it's not even a new segment.
It's just a new thing that we need to start saying.

Speaker 1 Dwight Howard. Nope, not seeds.

Speaker 1 Dwight Howard saying he

Speaker 1 did Instagram live and he said, do I believe in vaccinations? No, I don't. That's my personal opinion, but no, I don't.

Speaker 1 So I think we just need to start throwing personal opinions out there for things that people really, really, really should believe in because it's science.

Speaker 6 I mean, is anybody surprised that Dwight Howard would have this take?

Speaker 1 No, he also said, I didn't know that the coronavirus would be flying through the air looking for people. Okay.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's true. Yeah.
It probably is not looking for people. Exactly.
No, it is.

Speaker 6 They're like tiny little dudes.

Speaker 1 No, yeah, actually, they are. Yeah, that's hard to do.
Viruses definitely are looking for host bodies. They're looking for bats and took a wrong turn.

Speaker 6 They're just cruising. They're just looking for bros to hang out with.

Speaker 1 But my personal opinion, yeah, no vaccinations. Dwight Howard.
That's, I mean, come on, man.

Speaker 8 We'll just cut that before you say Dwight Howard.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Cool.
No vaccinations.

Speaker 1 I've vaccinated my children. No vaccination.
I over-vaccinated my child. I said, give him two.
You said give him more shots?

Speaker 6 On everything. Shots, shot, shots.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, shots, shots. Shots.
Fucking double it up. Might as well.
Speaking of that, I love vaccinations. What? What's going to shots?

Speaker 9 Doug's.

Speaker 1 Yes. What? R.I.P.
R.I.P. went out a champion, we think.

Speaker 6 We're about to play the game. We don't know, but this is actually.
It's going to be way funnier if you lose. Fuck.
All right, well, let's see. You're playing against Dana Holgerson, huh?

Speaker 1 Yes. Yes, yes.
2021, even though he's not there, but yes. Or, no, 2020, right? 2020? Tyler Jane.
January 2021. 2021.

Speaker 1 Jake is my historian.

Speaker 6 It's in the future. So college football will exist

Speaker 6 in 2021.

Speaker 1 Exactly what this is. All right.

Speaker 1 We will see everyone Wednesday. Stay tuned because we have Billy's monologue overtake on me that he's going to have to do every single day.

Speaker 6 Billy's final thoughts coming up next. Love you guys.

Speaker 6 my foot so football is not my senior football season is not happening so i'm living a post football life where i like my career is over and it actually has really like messed up my like cycle of the year like so usually i'm always preparing for the fall so like i work out during the summer and like my like fluctuation in weight really just sort of relies on football and like i sort of always planned my life around football but up to this point now that it's gone i don't really know how to operate in a way so like for example like I usually get fat in the winter and then I trim down by the time football season's here but now that's not coming I'm now just fat and I don't have a reason to not get fat and it's getting really hard and I don't really know what to do

Speaker 6 so it's kind of weird I think I'm gonna try to be like a science teacher football coach I think that's sort of my dream job if this doesn't work out. I got some other ideas for jobs.

Speaker 6 I can't be in the special forces because too many people know my face nowadays.

Speaker 1 And I wanted to be...

Speaker 6 It's actually really disappointing. Every time I like, more people recognize me, it gets me really freaked out.
Something, fuck, I can't be a Navy SEAL. I can't be a Navy SEAL, yeah.

Speaker 6 And then what else? My other plan was, well, first I want to be an NFL player, and then if I don't work out, I'll be a Navy SEAL. And then like four or five is a science teacher, football coach.

Speaker 6 And you know what? It's a really hard time for everyone.

Speaker 9 Love you guys.