Mega Dungeons & Dragons and Stephen A Smith Is Horny Again

Speaker 1 Hey, pardon my take, listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
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Speaker 2 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 2 Sebastian Manascalco, it ain't right. Premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers.

Speaker 1 Terms apply.

Speaker 3 On today's part of my take, we have an extra long Dungeons and Dragons saga. Tim joins us and it is the best one we've done so far.
We have shapeshifting characters by Hank.

Speaker 3 We have some inner drama and some conclusion to what we're going to do with the dragon. So we have that.
It is extra long. It's awesome.
Get excited for that. We have a little NBA talk to start off.

Speaker 3 We have the guy who created a 370-person porn list that was not open to debate. So we're not going to get mad at a list.
And much, much more.

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Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 let's go.

Speaker 1 violence.

Speaker 1 And then a lot of solid work to be done.

Speaker 1 No place to hang out or washing.

Speaker 1 And then I can't blame all of the suns. Oh, no, we're gonna rock it down to Electric Avenue.

Speaker 1 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're gonna rock it down to

Speaker 1 part of my take. Presented by Barry Take it higher.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Part of my take presented by the Cash App.

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You get $10 for free, $10 to ASPCA. Today is Wednesday,

Speaker 3 Bobby Bonilla Day, the biggest day in all of sports. Bobby Bonilla gets his $1,193,248,240, I can't do numbers anymore, $248

Speaker 3 paycheck every July 1st. So happy to Bobby Bonilla.
The ultimate flex. He still has like 14 years left on this thing.
Congratulations, Bobby Bonilla Day.

Speaker 5 Big day for him. How many Virgils is that? I was trying to do the math, but again, I'm not that good at division or multiplication.
It's a lot of Virgils.

Speaker 6 Bobby Bonilla has an awesome contract.

Speaker 5 And I thought that once he's gotten to like the fifth or sixth year when he was outside of baseball and still getting paid, you'd see less of these contracts coming through.

Speaker 5 But the more MLB TV rights deals start to come in, the more you're seeing players push off and saying, Yeah, I'll take some deferred money coming down the line. It's a good deal.

Speaker 5 It's like, it's like when that scratch off millions per life or whatever it is. Like, I would absolutely take a deal like that instead of giving me all the money straight up.

Speaker 5 In fact, I would almost prefer that. If you were to say, like, PFT, I'm going to give you either $20 million on your 25th birthday or I'm going to give you a million dollars a year till you're 50.

Speaker 5 I'm absolutely taking the million until I'm 50 because if I'm 25, I'm just going to like, I'm going to spend it like Billy football would. Yes.
Just buy a shitload of jet skis.

Speaker 5 Just have like my own jet ski farm.

Speaker 3 It's essentially just leaving, it's saving some for later. It's saving that last bite of the sandwich for 10 years down the line when you know you'll probably need it.

Speaker 3 It actually, um, it's perfect that it's obviously happens every July 1st, but today, where we're sitting here recording this June 30th, uh, Darren Williams actually got his last paycheck from the New Jersey Nets, now the Brooklyn Nets, uh, and he hasn't played for them for five years.

Speaker 3 So I love these type of contracts where a guy keeps getting paid forever. And I would even do it more.
If I was Bobby Bonnier, I would have gone even further.

Speaker 3 I would have been like half a million for 80 years. Fuck it.
Just keep going forever and never have. And you could always just bank on it.

Speaker 3 Like that one day, he probably, he probably has like the biggest party in the month of June being like, guess what? July 1st, I get another paycheck and it's awesome and I'm rich again.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah. You definitely have to get like a bouncy air castle and a clown and a dunk tank and everything.
Like every July 1st, that's the biggest holiday of the year for you.

Speaker 5 What if you just got like $50,000 a year for the next, like, however long it'd be 75 years? So your kids would still be getting that contract after you were done. Like that'd be even better.

Speaker 3 Yeah. That math does not work out whatsoever, though.
No, it doesn't. Yeah.
$50,000 would have to be like 700 years or something like that.

Speaker 5 There you go. Your grandkids, your great-grandkids get it.

Speaker 3 Like, actually, all that would be ensuring is that your grandchildren are going to be like the laziest pieces of shit ever because they'll be like, even if you have like 20 grandkids, like I get my $4,000 a year coming in every july first i don't need to get a job we just we're so bad at math we just went from bobby bonia day to talking ourselves into like uh like the sixth year of our job at progressive insurance like writing like you know underwriting auto insurance for people like that like what about like a 55 000 a year job yeah like real comfortable benefits like what about that that doesn't sound so bad yeah it's like dwight dwight strew sixty thousand dollars a year being a co-manager of a hotel in hell that is really the dream for anybody.

Speaker 5 That's the American dream right there.

Speaker 3 Yes. All right.
So that's that. Congratulations to Bobby Bonilla.
It's always great to have Bobby Bonilla Day. I'm unfortunate.
And it's unfortunate that Darren Revell has co-opted Bobby Bonilla Day.

Speaker 3 I'm sure he'll have some tweets. We need to remind Jake to get, he needs to tweet at 1201 tonight.
Make sure he gets that content going right away and also break it down a million different ways.

Speaker 3 All right. Mental note, Jake, when you get to this point, he listens before every show.

Speaker 3 Make sure you have a full list of things Bobby Bonilla Day could buy both yearly and for the length of his contract. I want the weirdest shit you can come up with.

Speaker 3 All right. So the other thing we have going on, finally,

Speaker 3 we have NBA players going to their facilities, then getting ready to go to Orlando. Feels like it's still precarious.

Speaker 3 Feels like they're still, what's going to end up happening in my mind is that the teams that can actually win something are going to field the full teams.

Speaker 3 And you see a team like the Nets that are just, it feels like everyone's dropping like flies because they don't really want to be there and get the shit kicked out of them by the bucks but the big news today in the nba is we finally have the elephant that's been in the room the whole time stephen a smith addresses it head on and says it's going to be an issue with how horny everyone's going to get trying to get out of the bubble to hook up and let me tell you if there's an expert that can speak on this It is Stephen A.

Speaker 3 Smith who is self-admitted horny for hours on hours every day.

Speaker 5 A few hours, maybe not all day long, but hours of every day. Not all day.
He's not horny. That's why he wears the big pants so he can easily conceal an erection that he might have.

Speaker 5 It's tough to pitch a tent in like a tarp that's hanging around your belt, like it's a hot air balloon draped around your waist. So, yeah, Stephen A.

Speaker 5 Smith, I think we talked about this in part of my take a couple weeks ago. You were saying that the real problem was going to be there's no ice cream machine.

Speaker 5 I was saying the real problem is we don't know the groupie situation. We need Wind Horse to go head-to-head against Stephen A.

Speaker 5 Smith to have that debate on first take so we can finally get to to the bottom of it.

Speaker 3 I don't like the body shaming you just did.

Speaker 3 No, I just

Speaker 3 looked good.

Speaker 3 I'm not saying great.

Speaker 5 I'm not saying that Wind Horse, I'm not saying one way or another who's taking which side. You just assumed that Windhorse would be taking the ice cream side.

Speaker 1 Shame on you.

Speaker 3 We have because we talked about Stephen A. Smith being horny.

Speaker 5 But it's a real thing.

Speaker 5 It's a real issue. Like there's no doubt about it.

Speaker 5 If you are a single NBA player and you're down inside that bubble for up to, what, a month and a half maybe, with no sort of release, shall we say there's going to be there's going to be those letters passed around like there were in every single college dorm which ended up being fake saying like we need you to stop masturbating because it's clogging up the showers credit to you by the way uh for keeping the dreams like you know any 12 year old who's listening to this show being like that that qualifier if if it's a single nba player credit to you for that because we know all married NBA players, they won't even think about it.

Speaker 3 It'll be straight to the ice cream line.

Speaker 5 Listen, Doug Christie set a model that will never be broken for NBA players in the early 2000s. That's how these guys operate, one woman at a time.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Hank, were you going to say something?

Speaker 7 No, I was just curious, like, what would you, like, how would you solve this issue? Because, you know, like, realistically, they should, I don't know, what would you do? What would you do?

Speaker 5 It's a very easy fix, Hank. Same thing as the Korean Baseball Association did.
You get sex dolls in the stands.

Speaker 5 So every player gets to pick one, like their Alice Cooper at a concert back in like the late 70s, and they just point to their bodyguard at the end of every game.

Speaker 5 They're like, I want that one to come backstage.

Speaker 3 It would be funny, similar to a bull grab bag when you go play in like the PlayStation bull and they give you a pair of sunglasses and a cheap watch.

Speaker 3 And they're like, hey, here's basically the same thing as getting paid if every single NBA player got like a fleshlight and some lube and a browser's password and was like, hey, here's how we keep, here's how we stay safe, everyone.

Speaker 3 Good job.

Speaker 7 Good sponsorship money, too.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's true. That's true.
Maybe a cam soda.

Speaker 3 Yeah, maybe that's what they meant, like movie night. It's just cam soda night.
And everyone, like, it's like everyone just kind of sits there.

Speaker 3 They give everyone their own blanket and they sit and watch, watch a cam girl at night. That's how they determine.

Speaker 7 Only fans on their back.

Speaker 7 That's their sign of.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 5 The highest seed is just whoever wins the game of Ookie Cookie. What would you in the community television room?

Speaker 3 What would you guys say if you had to, if you had to guess June 30th, what percentage that there will be a full basketball

Speaker 3 from exactly how there's have it scheduled?

Speaker 5 100% because I'm not willing to doubt myself now. It's the only thing that I've got pulling me forward to the end of the month.

Speaker 5 So call me delusional, call me insane, but I think it's 100% going to happen.

Speaker 5 I won't hear any evidence to the contrary or anything that might make me change my mind because I don't want to go down that dark road.

Speaker 3 I think it's going to happen. 10%.
10%? I think it's going to happen because they're very adamantly trying to make it happen. Like, it seems like Adam Silver's like, we need to bring it back.

Speaker 3 Well, here's the thing, Hank. Like,

Speaker 3 yeah, but I don't think they're going to be deterred by a couple of positive tests. I think it's going to be weird.
I think there's going to be guys that are going to miss time.

Speaker 3 I think there's going to be teams that look like skeleton crews. By the way, Sam Decker still could play.
So maybe one of these teams signed Sam Decker for a couple of days. I don't know.

Speaker 3 Just an idea. But I think they're going to get it.
We're going to have basketball at the end of July.

Speaker 5 Do you think that maybe there's some.

Speaker 7 But is it going to make it to the finals?

Speaker 3 Like, what if, what if what happens to the nuggets?

Speaker 7 What if that happens in the middle of the season?

Speaker 3 It gets easier, though.

Speaker 5 That's where it gets interesting.

Speaker 5 Once one team starts to have a bunch of players that have to sit out for a while, at what point does Adam Silver say, okay, we're canceling this whole operation?

Speaker 5 Because then at that point, you're going to get all the conspiracy theories coming out and saying they're just canceling it because LeBron's not going to make the finals.

Speaker 7 It doesn't count if you wins anyway.

Speaker 3 No, it doesn't. Absolutely does not count.

Speaker 3 They

Speaker 3 think

Speaker 3 they're going to power through it. Like, I think if you have a team, it gets easier, obviously, as you get further down the line because there's less teams.
There's less personnel.

Speaker 3 Everything gets easier.

Speaker 3 When there's like four teams left, and I think when we talk about guys like leaving the bubble, I don't think it's the guys that are playing for a championship that you have to worry about.

Speaker 3 I think it's the guys that know that they're going to get...

Speaker 7 Josh Smith is going to be in the Lakers.

Speaker 3 I understand, but they're going to get the shit kicked out of them when they, like in the first round by the Lakers or the Clippers or the Bucs. And they're like, why the fuck am I here?

Speaker 3 Why the hell am I like trying to sit inside all night and play Xbox and like watch Disney movies? Those are the guys that are going to be like, fuck this.

Speaker 5 Stay woke. Spencer Dinwiddie comes down with COVID the day after he says that he was going to wear a trillion on the back of his jersey to bring awareness to the national debt crisis.

Speaker 3 Stay woke.

Speaker 5 Which I still don't really understand. That's like been one of those things since I was in second grade.

Speaker 3 That's fun money. Yeah,

Speaker 5 like people are making clocks showing how big the national debt is getting. It's like, well, next year this is going to come due and we're all going to be in a lot of trouble.

Speaker 5 It's like putting on a credit card.

Speaker 3 The way I've always assumed how the national debt works is that

Speaker 3 what do we owe it to China? Do we owe it to China? We owe it to a lot of people.

Speaker 3 Okay, so whoever we owe it to, China's like our bookie, and they basically are saying, we'd rather you just keep playing. than try to collect all this money because it's gotten too far

Speaker 3 past where we can get it. So yeah, that's all that's happening.

Speaker 5 We have a Bobby Bonilla contract with the nation of China right now, right? Where we owe them a certain amount of money, it's a small amount of money that we have to owe them every single year.

Speaker 5 And as long as we keep those payments going, then we can keep betting against the spread.

Speaker 3 Yeah, what were you gonna say, Hank? Last point.

Speaker 7 Well, last point, PFT, are you recording? I don't think you are.

Speaker 3 I am recording.

Speaker 1 You sure?

Speaker 3 I'm recording audio.

Speaker 3 Oh, I'm not recording. I'm recording the video.

Speaker 3 I see you.

Speaker 7 I see. No, no, no.

Speaker 3 I see you recording your video oh shit i'm not i'm not recording video

Speaker 7 and are you recording video liam

Speaker 3 i'm not recording yeah i i have the backup where it's like uh gallery view so that's all i didn't i didn't record

Speaker 7 recording

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 3 yeah i was just making sure do i need to start mine says recording should i start recording audio on quick time or no Probably not at this point.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 You can keep all this in. That was great.

Speaker 7 Behind the scenes stay awoke part two um

Speaker 3 two lakers players tested positive for corona and they never reported who and they reported pretty much every other kind of player who's tested positive i kind of like this we should start you know what they should do if there's not going to have if we're not going to have a season they should let us start betting on these things they should let us start betting on who tested positive and that will be its own sport where it's just instead of sports sports are now just getting a hundred celebrities or athletes in a room and just betting on who would get coronavirus.

Speaker 5 Okay, so I think

Speaker 5 we need to flip it because we don't want to be rooting for people to get sick or not. We just need to flip it and say, I'm going to bet on who's not going to get the virus.

Speaker 3 That's fine. I don't care.
Yeah, I don't care how we phrase it. I just think that's a good news sport.
You watch them.

Speaker 3 It's basically like watching reality television like Big Brother with celebrities. And then the gamble is who will stay coronavirus free.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I'm putting all my money on Tom Brady because even if he gets gets it, he's not going to admit that he has it.

Speaker 5 And if he gets it, he's going to just, he drinks so much water that it's just not going to affect him.

Speaker 3 He wouldn't admit that he had it and he would be like the super, super, super spreader and be like, I'm fine. I'm totally fine.

Speaker 5 He's like, I'm fine. I drank six gallons of water today and I haven't eaten a strawberry since I was four.

Speaker 1 There's no chance I have it.

Speaker 3 All right, let's get to our hot seat, cool throne, and then we'll get to Dungeons and Dragons. You can't miss Dungeons and Dragons.
By the way, no show Friday. No show Friday.

Speaker 3 Monday will be our takeies.

Speaker 1 we have uh recorded a bunch of the takeies get excited for that monday the takeies hey it's pft here reminding you that boars head makes game day entertaining elevated and effortless whether you order catering platters ahead from your local boars head retailer or you create your own spread at home with boars head premium deli meats and cheeses you are sure to impress your guests my favorites like oven gold turkey or blazing buffalo style chicken paired with their classic Vermont cheddar or creamy Munster cheese are sure to score big and help me elevate my entertainment every time, whether it's for a tailgate or a home gating celebration.

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Speaker 3 Okay, hot seat cool thrown Hank.

Speaker 7 My hot seat is Gus Duggerton. So stay woke once again.
You know, I'm not a tinfoil hat guy, but I'm just going to say these two things happened the same day. Coincidence,

Speaker 7 I'll let the people decide.

Speaker 7 But this morning, this was real news, like real life news, breaking. At least three members of the Toledo City Council have been taken into custody by federal law enforcement officers.

Speaker 7 So far, the FBI is unwilling to comment, except to say it is an ongoing matter, which is interesting because, you know, a lot of people said, like, Coach Douglas was at all these Power Five schools.

Speaker 7 Why would he go back to Toledo? It didn't make a lot of sense. And then, a few hours later, from our darling Jake Marsh tweeted, just in.

Speaker 7 Preliminary reports suggest head coach Gus Duggerton dealt with a serious health square earlier this morning.

Speaker 7 It is not expected to be life-threatening, but his status for tonight's coaching carousel may be be in jeopardy. Here's Tuision Coach Doug's speedy recovery.

Speaker 3 Okay, so by this time, the time you're listening to this, the news is already broken. Uh, Gus Duggerton has had a heart attack.
He is on life support. He's had a heart attack.

Speaker 3 In reality, uh, so that's that's what's happening in the video game world. In reality, I realize that we finally have a vacation.

Speaker 3 We haven't had a vacation in a really long time, and also sports are coming back.

Speaker 3 Well, Hank, excluding, uh, sports are coming back in July, So we're going to have like no July or August break really either.

Speaker 5 So I'm going to,

Speaker 3 Gus Dunger is going to be in the hospital till Sunday night. Sunday night, we're going to get back into it.
Take a break. Always good to take a break.
Take a step back. Just chill out for a second.

Speaker 3 I may hop on a stream. I know the dozens are playing a trivia game on Wednesday night on the pardon my take Twitch.
What's it called?

Speaker 1 No, that's

Speaker 5 a dozen, but it's a programming change. It's going to be Wednesday at the regularly scheduled time at 11.

Speaker 1 11 a.m.

Speaker 5 on, yeah, it's going to be on Periscope and it's going to

Speaker 5 be on the normal channels.

Speaker 3 Okay, so that's happening. So I may hop on and do some fuck around on a Twitch if I feel like it, but I needed a break.
I need to just chill out for a second. The Toledo bribery scandal.

Speaker 3 Have I ever told you guys the time that I like there was a

Speaker 3 when I worked in real estate in Chicago and they there was a bribery scandal, which happens like every year in Chicago government, but in the Department of Buildings. And it was like

Speaker 3 one of the the people I worked with all the time to get permits from was wrapped up in it.

Speaker 3 I can't tell you the disappointment that someone, you can feel when you realize you could have been bribing someone to get things done quicker. And you weren't.
I was like, what am I doing?

Speaker 5 Do you think that you maybe missed some of the signals when they were asking for bribes and you just weren't cool enough to pick up on it?

Speaker 5 Because that would be, that would be what would be worse for me. I'd be living in fear that like I put off vibes that I'm not bribable.

Speaker 3 Honestly, it probably is.

Speaker 3 it's actually very similar to the time that hank hank was with me when when hank dave and i went to the uh to the breeders cup with wes welker and then the next year it came out that he was doing ecstasy at the kentucky derby and i was like so we're clearly squares like he didn't offer us any x so uh that hurt my feelings but this one really hurt my feelings because i i remember the woman i worked with all the time and she was caught up in it And my boss was like, had to sit me down and be like, you weren't bribing anyone, right?

Speaker 3 And I was like, no,

Speaker 3 but I fucking wish I was because it's a pain in the ass how long I had to sit in line every day with the Department of Buildings. So I don't know.
Toledo's going through it.

Speaker 3 It's, I'm sure someone's going through what I'm feeling, what I felt back in the day when it's like, damn, I could have, I could have had my job be a lot easier. Yeah.

Speaker 5 When I was working in software down in Austin, Texas, one of our clients was a government organization that weighed and manufactured and one didn't manufacture, but they weighed and packaged and distributed peanuts.

Speaker 5 It was like a big agricultural client, and they got in trouble because they were getting kickbacks from all the different vendors that they were doing business with.

Speaker 5 I was pissed off because I was a salesperson, and I knew that I could have charged a lot more.

Speaker 5 Our rates could have been way, way higher, just with the understanding that I would give them money back on the other side.

Speaker 5 I missed out on a shitload of commissions, but thankfully, I've never got raid by the FBI. But that is cool.

Speaker 3 That's very cool to like be working in an office environment and have a bunch of FBI agents, as long as they're wearing those blue windbreakers with the yellow writing, like storm in through the doors that's an awesome situation to find yourself in the story the the moral of the story is being a good person is good except for the moments when you feel like you really missed out on some fun yeah right uh-huh i'm i'm happy with the the the choices i made there but there was that momentary like

Speaker 7 like i could have my life could have you missed out yeah i missed out on an adrenaline rush and a lot of yeah i missed the thrill that's that's the real thing is like i could have

Speaker 3 i could have worn a wire for for the government to to to cap capture everyone that would have been thrilling too dude you could have gone into witness protection that'd be sweet maybe they send you somewhere tight like hawaii yeah that would have been awesome all right hank what's your cool throne my cool throne is curb curb your enthusiasm uh green lit for 11th season i know big cat you didn't necessarily like the last season as much i thought it it was it was probably the best recent season of the last like two or three and i think larry david with corona is going to be amazing it got better towards the end i just thought there were some of the some of the episodes were like almost parody of curb that they were so curb, where it's like 16 different things were happening.

Speaker 3 Right. You know what I mean? And also, there's something about curb, like Pete Curb, you could, you knew kind of what was happening, but you also like got stunned a little by the cringe.

Speaker 3 This last season, it's like you know exactly how everything's going to play out before.

Speaker 5 The new one's going to get cringy, yeah.

Speaker 7 Right, right. But I think the Corona Larry David, like, there's no, there's no better wheelhouse for that guy.

Speaker 5 Yes, yes. I would just like to see it come back for real sex.
Real sex and taxicab confessions. If you guys never watched taxicab confessions,

Speaker 3 that was an awesome show.

Speaker 5 Yeah. It was, it was amazing.
Well, no, it's totally different. Hank.

Speaker 5 This one, it's like people in the back of a cab in New York and they say the most embarrassing shit and they start doing the most embarrassing shit.

Speaker 5 And then when they get out of the cab, they're like, hey, could you sign a release saying that it's okay for us to put this on TV? They're like, sure, go ahead.

Speaker 5 They should do that for Uber, Uber Confessions.

Speaker 3 That was back when people like didn't. TV wasn't like if you said, oh, yeah, go ahead, put me on HBO, there's a chance that like 75% of your family and friends never saw it.

Speaker 5 It's also back in the day when porn wasn't super widespread.

Speaker 5 So anything you got that like maybe you saw a bra or a knee, you're like, yeah, this is, this will, this is enough to do the trick for me right now. Right.

Speaker 3 All right. What's what's your hot seat cool thrown PFT?

Speaker 5 My hot seat is firecrackers.

Speaker 5 So New York is dealing with an explosion of firecrackers and fireworks. They've been going off every single night for like the last three weeks.

Speaker 5 Somebody threw an M80 outside my house a couple weeks ago, and it was really loud. I didn't realize how loud an M80 really was, but it sounded like a real-life explosion out there.

Speaker 5 So, but they're on the hot seat because although they've been kind of annoying for the last couple of weeks, I did some digging into the

Speaker 5 kind of volume of sales and the expected rate of sales of fireworks over the course of any given year. They produce enough fireworks to be able to get you through the 4th of July.

Speaker 5 So, right now, people have bought up so many fireworks and used enough of them already that there's not going to be enough left over for the 4th, at least in New York City. True.

Speaker 5 So, it should be like a calm-ish, calmer-than-normal 4th of July in New York City, which should be, that'll be kind of eerie to begin with.

Speaker 5 But, yeah, it's like every single night there's it's it's just like one explosion after the other outside my window. It's crazy.

Speaker 3 Yes, yes. I, it's every, it's like two in the morning, like clockwork here, the fireworks.
And I believe all of the threads about them, the fireworks they're like

Speaker 3 the government's probably lighting them police are lighting them trying to confuse us I don't know but all I know is I hear a lot of fireworks correct

Speaker 5 my other hot seat is the Buffalo Bills because 60 of their 88 players are from outside of New York State in states that have newly enacted quarantine policies for people flying into New York.

Speaker 5 So whenever the bills start to practice, they're going to have to wait like two weeks to get most of their team out there on the field.

Speaker 5 So between that and also getting the other Josh Allen, Cam Newton in the division, this is going to be a very tricky offseason, tricky training camp set up for the Bills.

Speaker 5 They got to circle the wagons ahead of time right now.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 3 The Bills. I mean, the AFC East now becomes one of the most interesting divisions in all football with Cam Newton going to the Patriots.

Speaker 3 But the Bills, just like the fact the Bills could win a division, like thinking about the Bills winning a division, having a a home playoff game, Hank is now shaking his head.

Speaker 3 It's exciting to think about.

Speaker 7 I mean, we have Cam Newton now. I don't know if you guys have heard the news.

Speaker 5 Cam Newton is basically Josh Allen, though.

Speaker 3 How many wins do you think the Patriots will have this year now?

Speaker 5 12.

Speaker 3 Wow. That's no step back.

Speaker 3 I don't know. I don't know about that, Hank.

Speaker 1 I think the other favorite cool throne is Antonio Brown.

Speaker 7 I feel like there is some type of like,

Speaker 7 Brady versus Belichick rivalry going on where like they're trying to like really put on for this season.

Speaker 3 you think that they would re-sign antonio brown that would be hilarious lombardi said he's hearing it like he's hearing it oh my god there's

Speaker 3 so mad

Speaker 7 you know the bucks oh i thought

Speaker 3 that would be incredible if the patriots re-signed antonio brown and was like you know what enough time's passed they should re-sign him and then trade him to the bills again Yes,

Speaker 5 see if it works out the second time.

Speaker 5 My cool throne is John Elway because he just just turned, I forget, like 60 years old or something like that.

Speaker 5 But I don't know what pact, what blood oath was signed by every member of the NFL media that said that they had to wish John Elway a happy 60th birthday, but literally everybody did.

Speaker 5 Like, I've never seen this many people just come out of the woodwork to wish a single general manager or owner or any sort of team employee like happy, happy birthday. But everybody.

Speaker 5 bent the knee for John Elway and was like, hey, hey, John, just so you know, wishing you happy birthday, I got your back.

Speaker 3 Yep, yep. I mean, John Elway Elway is love for love.
Although, I don't know. We'll see if he can't, if the Broncos are never good again under his watch, does he lose?

Speaker 3 That's why he never should take that type of job. I know he won one in the front office, but you could basically ruin it.

Speaker 3 You got to just kind of ride off into the sunset and be the legend and never take any risks with the organization again. I don't know.
Sell your reputation.

Speaker 5 I'm a Drew Locke believer. And my other cool throne,

Speaker 5 in addition to John Elway. Hang on.
How many you got?

Speaker 3 Okay. I'll pass on this one.

Speaker 5 I'll let you go because I know you have some good ones.

Speaker 3 What do you got? No, go ahead. Okay.
All right. I'll go ahead.

Speaker 3 My hot seat is Big Ben. My hot seat is Big Ben.
Big Ben's on the hot seat because he just came out as a porn addict. And then

Speaker 3 Monday night, we've got one of the all-time tweets, Twitter threads ever.

Speaker 3 Liam, not our Liam, but at Simp Pilgrim, tweeted top 370 porn stars, parentheses, not up for debate. And then he went and listed 370 porn stars according to his rankings, which is not up to debate.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 just

Speaker 3 sometimes you got to just tip your cap and be like, man, the internet, that was good. Like, that was good what that guy just did.

Speaker 3 And I just feel bad for guys like Big Ben, who are recovering porn addicts, who see something like this and probably see a lot of names they've never seen before.

Speaker 5 And, you know, maybe find love again online now are we sure that this wasn't written by big ben that was my first thought is like good list rothlessberger i appreciate it uh and it was only female porn stars right correct correct okay so i i would imagine i would actually like to see what big ben's best male porn star list is because you know he's got favorites a guy like big ben has got to like admire the stroke of a peter north or i bet when he first saw like the MILF hunter videos, he probably sent texts to all his friends and was like, you guys got to check this out.

Speaker 5 This guy's game is so smooth. He just goes into a grocery store and boom, he just gets women to come home and sleep with him.
It's awesome.

Speaker 3 Dude, he just drives around in his bus and fucks chicks in his bus. It's so, it's real too.
It's crazy. It's always crazy.

Speaker 5 How would you feel if you were a porn star that didn't get put on this list?

Speaker 3 Well, I think you could, you could spin zone it and be like, hey, I'm unranked, but, you know, I got I got years to go.

Speaker 3 I think if you're a young, younger porn star and you're on the list, you can spin it. If you're older older and your time has passed, it might hurt a little bit.

Speaker 3 But he also, he's clearly got some bias here. Again, we're not going to argue.
All I'll say is Shila Styles at 354 and Lisa Ann at 94 is absolutely atrocious. But again, not going to argue.

Speaker 3 Not going to argue.

Speaker 5 We're not going to argue about it. But yeah, Lisa Ann at 94, like the committee got that one wrong.
That's that's that's awful.

Speaker 3 Right. That's like a, that's one of those when we when we got mad about the NFL 100 list.
Like even if you, even if you missed her heyday, you got to put her in.

Speaker 3 Like, even if we didn't see YA Tittle play, you got to know that he meant something to the game.

Speaker 5 Right. She changed the game 100%.
I thought that was a little bit disrespectful, and it did skew towards the East Coast as well, but that's to be expected.

Speaker 3 All right, so that's what Hot Seat.

Speaker 3 I just

Speaker 3 fucking would love to talk to this guy. Actually, I probably wouldn't.

Speaker 3 His Twitter bio is Captain of Team America Future Suspended User. So at least he's self-aware.

Speaker 3 All right, my cool throne.

Speaker 5 Yeah, he's best observed from a distance, like Monet panning.

Speaker 3 Yeah, my cool throne is Ezekiel Elliott because he got caught on

Speaker 3 Twitch saying,

Speaker 3 I'm so faded right now, or low-key faded. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Yeah, he like walked off stream.

Speaker 7 Relatable moment. He walked off stream, forgot to mute his mic, and you could just hear him clearly like smoking a blunt.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Well, I guess he was talking to me.

Speaker 3 He came out and said he was talking about drinking. So

Speaker 3 people like you and the the fake news media, Hank, sorry, that's just not how it worked. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Ezekiel.

Speaker 3 Relatable moment, though, I actually left my mic on for like 16 hours the other day. I left my house and Hank was like, yo, I think you just left everything on.
And I was like, oh, well, that sucks.

Speaker 3 I'm not going to be home for 12 hours.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 3 a lot of Stella barking and my son crying. That's pretty much it.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I did that the other day when I was finishing up with the desk. I just sat down on my couch and left everything on.

Speaker 5 And people were like i think pft is doing a bit right now i was just like laying there talking to my dog about how mad i was that my chinese food didn't get there

Speaker 3 no bit um all right that is our hot sea cool thrones let's get to tim woods all time all time all time dungeon and dragons episode again reminder no show on friday but we will be back on monday with a uh takeies award so be safe and all that and uh pft who do we got before tim woods before we get to tim woods it's meundies time.

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Speaker 1 okay it is that time

Speaker 1 we got some extra time

Speaker 1 it is our very very very good friend tim woods our dungeon master ready to run us through our dungeon and dragons game which is i think we are now in the third chapter is it third or fourth fourth chapter

Speaker 6 this might be the fourth chapter chapter, actually.

Speaker 1 Fourth chapter of our campaign, right? So, for people who missed it, go back and listen. They're electric.
But if you want to get caught up real quick, Tim is going to do that for us.

Speaker 1 He's going to set the scene. He's going to tell us everyone who they are, where we're at, what's going on.
Tim, the floor is yours.

Speaker 6 Absolutely. So, so far, our adventure has been highly successful.
In the village of Greenest, our caravan had pulled up only to find the village under attack.

Speaker 6 And after interrogating some kobolds and fighting some cultists on the way to the central keep in this village, we kind of managed to find out that this town had been under attack by red-robed cultists who were trying to grab every piece of treasure that they could get their hands on in this village.

Speaker 6 And we did come up with a little bit of a scheme once we reached the castle to use a big pot of chili stew in order to lure the cult's dragon minion to the castle.

Speaker 6 And once it arrived, this great, mighty blue dragon, Lenathon, had been disgusted with the castle that she saw.

Speaker 6 We started launching attacks against her and trying to convince her in different ways and use a couple of different strategies to see if we could do something to this dragon.

Speaker 6 And we did succeed in annoying her enough to the point where when

Speaker 6 Berserker Billy, the boar cleric,

Speaker 6 Goliath, had made a critical hit to talk to this dragon and convince this dragon to let him climb onto her back and to fly away from this castle and to stop helping these cultists.

Speaker 6 When that happened, the dragon took off.

Speaker 6 The cultists were like, yeah, wait, what? And got very upset once they saw their dragon, their big artillery, flying away with one of these adventurers from the castle.

Speaker 6 And then the last moment had been the dragon kind of leaning back and saying, all right, rock man,

Speaker 6 let's talk. And it's clear that you've had some influence over this dragon, Berserker Billy, but the dragon is by no means on our side just yet, but is listening to you at the moment.

Speaker 6 And that was the state of play where we ended things last time.

Speaker 6 And as I get kind of letting us know where we are right now, I'd also want to announce some congratulations are in order because we are officially level two now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, leveled up after defeating that.

Speaker 6 Now we are level two characters.

Speaker 1 Yes. All right.

Speaker 1 All right. I want to know what's going on with level two, but before we get to level two,

Speaker 1 am I just so we're set, I'm still stronger than Billy, right?

Speaker 6 I guess that depends on, you know, having some influence over a dragon is certainly powerful, but also extremely risky. I would say you're both level two.

Speaker 6 You're both going to be pretty equally powerful, more or less.

Speaker 1 But if the one had to be stronger than the other.

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 6 this is an interesting point because

Speaker 6 we had highlighted that your strength is slightly higher, I think, in the war cards.

Speaker 1 Say no more.

Speaker 6 Yeah, in terms of the strength stat, your strength is certainly higher.

Speaker 1 That's so cuts. He's like Danny Targaryen.
If you take away his dragon, he's nothing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Billy, I'm not saying Billy's not strong. It's just that I am stronger.
Okay. All right.
So what happens with level two?

Speaker 6 Absolutely. So speaking of strength, Norm the Barbarian, when you hit level two, your ability that you gain is a very simple one.
It's called reckless attack.

Speaker 6 Whenever you want, you can kind of go crazy and go full offense with your weapon, and you get to roll two D20s and take the higher number when you attack somebody.

Speaker 6 But if you choose the reckless attack option, then any attacks against you that turn also get the same advantage for them.

Speaker 6 So you're going full offense, no defense is what you do when you do a reckless attack.

Speaker 1 Okay, I like that. So I'm like the Oklahoma Sooners.

Speaker 1 You might not get that reference, but yeah, that's fine. That's weird.
That makes sense.

Speaker 6 Absolutely true, though. And then Wayne, Wayne the Bard, your ability that you're going to be gaining at level two, you gained a new spell, and the spell I chose for you is called Unseen Servant.

Speaker 6 You summon a little air elemental, a creature of pure air that nobody can see, and it can fly around and pick things up for you. It can't really attack.

Speaker 6 It only has one hit point, but nobody can see it, and so you can get up to a lot of mischief with your unseen servant.

Speaker 1 I have an imaginary friend.

Speaker 6 It's an imaginary friend, precisely right, exactly. And it can pick up small things.

Speaker 1 This is in addition to the spells you already had, like a disguise self to change your shape so that you look like somebody else uh and uh hideous laughter where you can make somebody just start laughing uncontrollably okay oh i like that one uh what about this small guy that flies around you said he can pick up small objects and bring them back to me how how small are we talking about here because it sounds like what you're describing is just like a drug runner for me

Speaker 6 basically he can definitely carry like coins small pouches things like that so for smuggling things this creature is ideal for carrying bricks not so great. Its strength is not fantastic.

Speaker 1 What about a kilo? Like, could he carry a kilo of something?

Speaker 6 There's a certain amount, but a kilo, I would say, is the perfect size.

Speaker 1 I got a random question, Tim, that just popped in my head. Do you accept Bitcoin when you do these

Speaker 1 dungeon?

Speaker 1 I can't use it. Dungeon Master.
Dungeon Master.

Speaker 6 When you're dungeon master. Dungeon mastering session.

Speaker 6 I've never been offered Bitcoin, but I'm supposing now that you say it, I wouldn't turn it down. Let's get that going.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we want to start paying you Bitcoin. App Coin

Speaker 1 twice as nice. Yes.
All right, so who else? So we also have Hank. Hank?

Speaker 6 Absolutely. Hank, the abilities that you would gain are, first of all, you have a mask of many faces, which is the same ability Wayne has.

Speaker 6 You can now shape-shift so that you create an illusion around you of someone else that you have seen.

Speaker 6 And you can disguise yourself just as well as the bard now, but you also gain a new spell called hellish rebuke.

Speaker 6 When someone attacks you, you can shoot a dirty look at them and narrow your eyes, and they'll just burst into flames, like a nasty look.

Speaker 1 Like your mom, like when your mom's pissed off. That's so perfect because that is Hank.
Hank can kill you with his looks.

Speaker 6 I figured that would be appropriate. You can just like anytime you attack, they attack you, you can just shoot them a look, and they burst into flames.

Speaker 6 And it's a response attack that you don't have to use your turn for. It acts on somebody else's.
I love it.

Speaker 1 I love it. That's so perfect.
All right, and Billy.

Speaker 6 And then, Berserker Billy, you are a war priest.

Speaker 6 And I wanted to let you know that you now have the war priest abilities where two times per day, you can swing your hammer and then get just a free extra attack. your bonus action.

Speaker 6 So if you swing, you can swing again. The only limit is you can only do that two times per day right now.
Then you have another ability you just gained called guided strike.

Speaker 6 That's where you call upon your war god and you just add a plus 10 to whatever you just rolled on a particular attack. Nice.
You can only do that once per day.

Speaker 6 So that's a one-shot for a really important attack in theory with your big hammer.

Speaker 6 But I also wanted to highlight: I actually looked up gods in the Goliath pantheon. And in theory, the war god that you follow, the most popular Goliath deity, would be Kavaki the Ram Lord.

Speaker 6 So unless you want to go through some other options, Kavaki the Ram Lord is not just the god of Goliaths in general. He is the god of competition and games as well.

Speaker 6 And every game that Goliaths play within their society, and there are many of them, such as Goat Ball and a few other games, he is the patron of all those games.

Speaker 6 You care a lot about competition, whether it's in war or just for fun. Just highlighting that that's Kavaki the Roots.

Speaker 1 Tim did his research. Yeah, so burn all of our like personality.
Billy's god is essentially just a commissioner of football. Yeah, he basically, so he gave, he gave Hank the looks, which he does.

Speaker 1 He gave me airdugs, all offense. He gave Billy

Speaker 1 being just obsessed with competition, and he gave drug guy PFT the ability to smuggle. You're fucking smart, Tim.
Good job, Tim.

Speaker 6 Disguise yourself as well. I figured these were important pieces of information, and all credit goes to the designers of the different D ⁇ D books.

Speaker 6 They all came up with a whole, there's 13 different Goliath gods you could have picked from. I just figured the god of competition seems a very appropriate

Speaker 1 berserker billy, yeah, life finds a way, huh, Tim.

Speaker 6 Uh, and and and that's all your level two abilities, everybody. So, congratulations, you did get extra hit points, which are going to be very important today, I think.

Speaker 6 But those are the most important abilities that you would have gained.

Speaker 6 Uh, and uh, that with that, I would also let us know that we know where things kind of left off last time, but I also want to say that in the castle, since the dragon flew away, we're seeing the cultists got really upset, but they are still trying to surround the castle castle right now.

Speaker 6 We see them forming a line around the castle, a kind of siege line starting to form of red-robed figures, elves, humans, and dwarves, all pointing swords and bows up at us, and kobolds in their number, as well as some of these big lizard-looking dog creatures.

Speaker 6 As well as there's a big pile of the town's treasure that they have piled up behind their defensive line, and they've kind of formed an encircling group of army around that kind of treasure pile as well.

Speaker 6 We are also seeing that someone is being brought forward from out of the crowd. She is being carried on a big chair, a palanquin, being carried by four cultists.

Speaker 6 And she has the nicest cultist robes you've seen. She's wearing a golden mask made of pure gold with all these tendrils coming off of it.

Speaker 6 And she points up at you at the castle, at least the people who are in the castle right now. And then prisoners are being brought forth, villagers who are tied up at their hands.

Speaker 6 And it seems like kobolds are poking them with spears and ushering them forward.

Speaker 6 And there is this big knight on the wall who is like the leader of the town guard, obviously here, or some kind of big important muckety muck in his big plate male with a huge sword.

Speaker 6 And he seems to be pointing down and trying to assess what's going on out there. So now that we're in a new situation, I want to say that today we would start by rolling a new initiative.

Speaker 6 So the first things everyone is going to do is going to roll a deep 20 and add their dexterity bonus to this. The dexterity bonus for Wayne would be plus two.
For Norm, it would also be a plus two.

Speaker 6 In fact, everybody here has a plus two, except for Berserker Billy. You have a minus one on this, unfortunately.
You're more about strength than dexterity.

Speaker 1 Everybody else has a plus two on this. That's why you're a wide receiver now.
I got a 15.

Speaker 6 15 total after the plus two?

Speaker 1 No, I got 15.

Speaker 6 15, so you got a 17 total, Lovett.

Speaker 1 I got a 9.

Speaker 1 All right, a 9.

Speaker 6 And then is that before your plus 2?

Speaker 1 That is before my plus 2, so I have 11.

Speaker 6 Before the plus 2, you got an 11. Awesome, Norm.
Got you down. And Berserker Billy, how'd you do?

Speaker 1 I got a 4.

Speaker 6 Four, and you have a minus one on this. So unfortunately, that's a three for Berserker Billy.

Speaker 6 This is exciting because you're the one on dragon back so on your turn we're gonna see exactly what happens uh with the dragon but how did uh Ehrlich do how'd you do Hank Tim we're gonna actually have Jake sit in because Hank has to attend to a minor emergency so Jake's gonna sit in and he's gonna be Hank for a few minutes here so Jake you roll Jake's gonna sit down put on

Speaker 6 a d20 and you're gonna add a plus two to whatever number you roll put it stay to the mic stay to the mic 19 19

Speaker 1 Jake all right hank's never coming back wait is this what is this like what you just said hank has many faces now and he can change looks that's what he's done good call pf now he's jake yes

Speaker 6 he he just changes his appearance and his even his voice changes with this illusion i love it okay it sounds like with a 19 on the die that with a plus two would be a 21 is that right yep that's earlier love it so

Speaker 6 So first of all, Ehrlich would be going first in our teams initiative, followed by Wayne, then Norm then berserker Billy but I will be I have already rolled for the monsters who are around here so I'll be interrupting our in between our turns with what they do and the first person to go is actually that big knight on the wall you are realizing that this knight is definitely actually not from this town he's a visitor same as you but he seems like he is strong and authoritative and he's taking control of the situation.

Speaker 6 So right now, we'd all see, all of our characters would see him approaching Ehrlich on the walls. And he seems to speak in a kind of rough voice with a thick accent.
And he says, hey, listen,

Speaker 6 we got to see what's going on up there. We've got some troops out there, some prisoners.
We got to see what's going on. And this knight seems like he has an insignia on his shoulder.

Speaker 6 It looks like an insignia of a cat of some kind. And he is...

Speaker 6 approaching Ehrlich right now, but Ehrlich would be more than welcome to talk to him if we want to talk for Ehrlich right now. Otherwise, any of us could approach this knight.

Speaker 6 Talking to him is a free action. We don't have to do it on our turn.

Speaker 1 Hank does love cats. Hank, you want to talk to him? Hank's got away with the felon.
I'm allergic to cats. Oh, oh, no.
Oh, no. And all.
That is so, oh, my God. That is so, that's so new.

Speaker 1 Jake, can you interview him? Can you approach him like you're doing a sideline interview? Hold your nose and interview him. Yeah, so I just took a Zyrtec, too.
Okay, perfect. Perfect.
He's good. Yeah.

Speaker 6 And in fact, Ehrlich would be super good at interviewing people. He has a charisma bonus of plus two.
So roll a D20 plus two if you're trying to interview this guy and find out who is this knight.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Seems to be on our side.
He's inside the castle.

Speaker 1 13. There you go, Joe.
13. Nice.

Speaker 6 With a plus two, then you got a 15 total. And with a 15, he's going to start answering your questions.
But first, he introduces himself. He extends a gauntleted hand and he flips up his visor.

Speaker 6 And you see this guy is definitely built. He's a strong-looking older dude.
And he extends a hand and he says,

Speaker 6 Sir Orgerton, Sir Orgerton, uh, pleasure to meet you. Uh, you can just call me Sir O.
Sir O.

Speaker 6 It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm taking command of this whole situation, and I'm seeing a lot of cultists outside here right now.

Speaker 1 This is Coach O. This is Coach O.
This is Coach O.

Speaker 1 We met Coach O in Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, so Jake, ask a question, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, what do you want to? I mean, you're a journalist. Come on, yeah.
So, Coach O,

Speaker 1 coming off that big title.

Speaker 1 Ask him a question about DD, though.

Speaker 1 No time for that.

Speaker 6 No time for my, I have an illustrious career.

Speaker 1 I've done a great job in all of my work with this right now.

Speaker 6 We're in the world website, and they've got prisoners, and I know some information about this cult.

Speaker 1 All right, he's got a game plan. Find out what his game is.
Jake just tried to do a like talk about the game. Yeah, yeah.
Come on,

Speaker 1 come on, Jake. Let's reframe this.
Yeah, this is a pregame interview. So let's find out what his tactics are for his plane of attack.
Get some bulletin board material, Jake. All right.

Speaker 1 What are your opponent's biggest weaknesses?

Speaker 1 Good, Jake.

Speaker 6 He says, well, you got rid of the dragon. That was the number one thing.

Speaker 1 Really glad you got rid of that dragon. I see it flying away.
Perfect. This is great.

Speaker 6 And he gestures at his insignia, and you can tell it's some kind of a strange cat on his shoulder. Can't tell exactly what.
And he goes, go, ligers. Go, ligers.

Speaker 6 And you do know, you've heard of ligers. They are magical beings in the world of D and D, kind of a cross between a tiger and a lion, you think, but they have magical powers.

Speaker 6 And he is telling you that the weakness of this cult right now, without their dragon, their weakness would be the leadership.

Speaker 6 If we can eliminate the leadership, then this cult is not going to want to stick around in this village.

Speaker 6 Most of them are cowards, just random cultists who probably are just being pushed into working here, attacking this village. And if we took out the highest,

Speaker 6 that would definitely get them to flee. Unfortunately, it looks like she's pretty well protected right now.

Speaker 6 And as he's gesturing down and pointing out her defenses, he says, and I'm really worried about that one right there.

Speaker 6 And he points out to Ehrlich that there is one particular armored figure who has a helmet on, but the helmet is not human-shaped. It is not a human face hidden under that metal helmet.

Speaker 6 It is some kind of a snout, some kind of almost dragon-like face.

Speaker 6 And they are almost as tall as Berserker Billy, but not quite as tall as Berserker Billy, but closer to his height than than anyone else so uh that is uh this big armored warrior who has a great sword on their back and uh sir ogerton is pointing out this individual to Ehrlich

Speaker 6 interesting and in theory Ehrlich that was your move perhaps you still have an action if you want to cast a spell or if you want to talk to coach oh sir oh some more or whatever you want to do here I'm liking this Coach O vibe.

Speaker 1 Okay, so let's continue with that. Okay, so what are you going to do? What are you you going to ask?

Speaker 6 You can roll another persuasion check if you want to interview him some more. Ask what else he might know, get some more questions out of him, but roll a d20 plus two.
See how you do on that?

Speaker 1 I rolled the 19. Jake, let's go.

Speaker 1 That is a 21 total.

Speaker 6 You are absolutely going to get whatever other information out of him you want. He is also going to say, you need my help in any way, just let me know.

Speaker 6 And he is going to be like listening to Ehrlich, which to be fair, Erlick's a little known warlock. This is a show of faith on Sir O's part.

Speaker 6 But if you need him to jump into combat at any point, he's got a big great sword of his own, and he could definitely do some damage and take some hits.

Speaker 6 Okay, I'm thinking. Do you have questions for him or requests you want to make of him? I'm thinking listening to you right now.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking maybe we got to figure out a way to attack this person that's protecting the priestess, right? So we got to find out what that guy is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what's that guy's Achilles heel? Yeah, that one particular guy. Right.

Speaker 1 What's the best tactic to take this fella down?

Speaker 6 Absolutely. He'll, Sir O will know this.
He looks at that warrior and he says, I recognize a champion when I see one. That person wants to have a duel right now with somebody.

Speaker 6 I see it in there, and he kind of looks under the helmet a little bit. I see it in their eyes.

Speaker 6 This person there wants to have a duel with somebody and they are bound by their lawful nature that they won't break their word. But then Coach O looks at you and says, people's lives are on the line.

Speaker 6 If you need to trick this person in some way, you should do it because they want to have a fight with someone that's like a fair fight. And I don't think that's advisable.

Speaker 6 I think that we should hedge our bets a little bit if we can in some way.

Speaker 6 So he's letting you know that we could probably trick this person very easily, this champion. Okay, okay.

Speaker 6 And that would be good information that you're getting, Ehrlich. At this point, Wayne, we'd be up to your turn.
and you can see that these prisoners are still getting pushed forward.

Speaker 6 But just as your turn is starting, I want to say that this champion, this big armored figure, steps forward and then removes his helmet.

Speaker 6 It's obvious that his face is a blue dragon's face with a horn in the center of his forehead, kind of like a rhino, but with the horn pushed further up. And he's got a mouthful of jagged white teeth.

Speaker 6 And it looks like on the edge of his mouth, there's a crackling of lightning a little bit as he coughs

Speaker 6 and he removes the helmet and and draws his great sword and points it up at the walls and he says a duel a duel to whoever your greatest challenger that would face me is for the lives of these prisoners who's the biggest you win they will be spared no if i win no more blood need be shed you will give us your treasure okay you know what strong guy you know what i kind of want to accept his challenge, but the obvious move is to send Big Cat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, as a big guy. That's the obvious move.
We don't want to lose my life. We don't want to lose that because then we're stuck with Billy as a strong guy.
He's considerably weaker than you.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. Send the strong guy.
I think

Speaker 1 I can take over the team. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 That would be very funny to have Hank come back into the office and he's dead. Dead, yeah.
But no, this is PFT. You're absolutely right.

Speaker 1 Like, you don't want, you don't want to show your best play on first down. Our biggest place.
Yeah, our biggest play.

Speaker 1 We want to set set up the run here right um so maybe we can either send our berserker in

Speaker 1 just go one-on-one or he said that he's liable to get tricked so we can think of a way to trick him can we all get on each other's shoulders and then put on a trench coat and then say yeah we're the one that's gonna fight you it's me us

Speaker 6 I will say that the spell disguise self might help you a lot there. I let you use it to make yourself look like the upper half of somebody.

Speaker 6 Then Ehrlich could make well he's a gnome he would go on top in theory he could use his disguise self-spell to make himself look like the other half of somebody and that would be even more effective than a big coat or something like that okay so it would just be myself and Ehrlich going at this guy in theory it would be the two of you looking twice as big yeah you can't combine Billy and Ehrlich we'll just throw them in and you and I can survive

Speaker 6 I'd let your illusions cover one extra person who's kind of in the middle if that makes sense okay um let's just send Billy in no you're not billion

Speaker 1 no no no i'm on a dragon wait can i send my little guy in to just uh like swoop down and castrate this guy you said that he could walk he could go steal something that was under a kilo i'd assume that the testicles on him would would fall in that category or you could like trip him and steal his pride yeah i could but i'm more interested in the testicles you want the testicles you want the nuts

Speaker 6 uh your your unseen servant doesn't usually deal a lot of damage uh it would be less of a pull and more of a a graze unfortunately And so, I mean, that would be maybe worth

Speaker 1 yeah, but

Speaker 6 tripping uh him would be highly effective, you think.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 6 to be fair, it would also be incredibly disturbing. The former option, um,

Speaker 1 should I trip him or should I just trip him? Okay, yeah, I'm gonna send my invisible servant in to trip him.

Speaker 1 Like, I want him to like lay a banana peel down right as this guy's walking, and it'll be high comedy.

Speaker 6 Yes, love it. You find a fruit peel that's kind of lying in the courtyard, you pick it up with it, it.
You summon your unseen servant. You whisper it commands.
It flies off.

Speaker 6 And we see a fruit peel get picked up and start drifting over the castle wall. But the

Speaker 6 dragon-like creature that is marching forward, this gladiator, definitely doesn't notice a little floating fruit peel that kind of moves around it, then drops right in front of it.

Speaker 6 And this person is going to make a saving throw. And right as the high priestess was saying, behold, you face my champion, Langdedrosa.

Speaker 6 And Langdedrosa, the gladiator, starts to flex as he steps forward onto the banana peel and goes flying

Speaker 6 onto his back.

Speaker 1 He failed his saving throw and he splats on the ground.

Speaker 6 He starts to get up. I'm going to roll one more time.

Speaker 6 He slips a little bit and then he tries a third time. He falls flat on his chest now.
And he has not gotten up the whole turn. The whole cult is looking like, oh, this does not look good right now.

Speaker 6 All of their monstrous Drake start barking. Like, they're like, what are we doing here? This guy looks like an idiot.
And the high priestess just glares at Langdedrosa, like, we'll talk later.

Speaker 6 And he's still trying to get up. So he doesn't even look back at her.
He's just fumbling around. Well done,

Speaker 6 Wayne. And that was your action and bonus action to command the Unseen Servant.

Speaker 6 Anything you wanted to do with a move, you could move around or make a skill check to like talk to somebody here or look. or yeah, yeah, whatever you want to do.

Speaker 1 Uh, can I can I talk to Billy, the berserker, and get him pumped up for the fight there?

Speaker 6 He's up on a dragon right now, pretty far away from you.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that's true. What has Billy been doing with this dragon? He's been going for a while now.

Speaker 6 I don't trust him. We're about to find out.
He rolled last in initiative, so the tension's building. We have no idea what the dragon will do.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay, for my last move,

Speaker 1 I think I'd like to get on Ehrlich's shoulders just in case.

Speaker 6 Great call. A preemptive move to get on.

Speaker 6 In theory, I just want to highlight: you're a dwarf. You're a little bit bigger than the gnome.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so he'll get on my shoulders. Good point.

Speaker 6 He gets on your shoulders. Love it.
Absolutely. And so you

Speaker 6 have Ehrlich hop onto your shoulders. That was a great move.
That'll bring us from Wayne's turn to the kobolds and the lizard-like creatures.

Speaker 6 We're starting to think that these are creatures called Drakes based on what some of the guards are shouting here. Like the Drakes are getting closer.
And you see two things happen: you see

Speaker 6 kobolds start to march forward with Drakes on leashes, on ropes around their neck. And it seems like some of them are marching towards the prisoners, like they're trying to threaten us.

Speaker 6 Like, we'll let go of these ropes and these Drakes will eat these prisoners, no problem, no questions asked.

Speaker 6 And they're getting closer to the prisoners, but we also see one group of kobolds, three of them, holding on to a Drake.

Speaker 6 It climbs up to the castle wall and then jumps onto the castle wall and starts climbing up the wall. And it has almost reached the top by the end of its turn.

Speaker 6 And we see the three kobolds, they just waited for it to start climbing the wall and held on. And soon the Drake was carrying them up off the ground.
So they're like repelling on Drake back.

Speaker 6 But you know that if anything happened to these, this Drake, those kobolds would just fall right off the wall.

Speaker 6 Okay. Drake is climbing the wall right now.

Speaker 1 Okay, so it's my turn. I'd like to know real quick, who are the Drake's rooting for in this battle?

Speaker 6 It seems like the Drakes are like serving the kobolds and the human culture. It seems like they're like animals intelligence.

Speaker 1 Second question,

Speaker 1 how old are all of us? Are we underage or are we over like 18?

Speaker 6 The assumption is you're adults.

Speaker 6 You're adventurers, so unless you specify, I would assume you're adults and are of legal age.

Speaker 1 Okay, so he's not attracted to us. Okay.
So, all right, what should

Speaker 1 I kill these Drakes? I have the reckless offense. Yeah, just go, just go hang on.
Yeah, I want to go. I want to go fuck.
I want to fuck some Drake. Go Meek Mill on these Drake.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm going to fuck him up.

Speaker 6 Absolutely. So you hear the champion calling outside, but you're not going to deal with him just yet.
You're running over to the wall where the Drake is climbing.

Speaker 6 And as some guardsmen are getting their weapons ready nervously, you're like, I got this. The Drake's head starts to emerge up to the wall, and then you can swing at it.
Yes.

Speaker 6 Did you want to say you were going reckless attack?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm going to fuck every. I want to fuck all the Drake's up.

Speaker 6 Absolutely. You can swing at this drake with a d20 plus five on your attack and you get to roll two times to take the higher number all right

Speaker 6 16 there we go 16 plus 5 21 boom your axe is smashing across this uh drake's face i'm sorry correction great sword i written down you have a great sword and so you are swinging this great sword and smashing the drake right in the face i will roll your damage you got a total of eight points of damage against this Drake.

Speaker 6 You smash a bunch of its teeth out. The Drake keeps its grip on the wall just barely and then turns its face back to you and just snarls at you.
And you're face to face with it now.

Speaker 6 On its next turn, it might try to attack you unless it is dead at this point. But I'll tell you right now, it is halfway dead for sure after eight points of damage.
Okay. You got that going for you.

Speaker 6 And you had rolled your reckless advantage. And so that was your move getting over to the Drake.
And you were already still raging from your last turn. So that was a great turn.

Speaker 6 And that would bring us to Berserker Billy now. So Berserker Billy, we last saw you on a dragon's back.
And this dragon had looked over onto its back to say, all right, Rockman.

Speaker 6 Let's talk.

Speaker 6 And now she says to you, do you know who you face? I am Lenathon called the Scion Wrath. My teeth are steel.
My breath is thunder. Who do you think you are?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I heard you're having trouble with your boss.

Speaker 6 She says, ah, you know that yes,

Speaker 6 this high priestess speaks for Tiamat and she thinks she can command me. in Tiamat's stead.
I obey the goddess. She must now understand.
And she looks back at the castle where she sees the cultist.

Speaker 6 The high priestess must understand that I do not serve her. I serve the goddess, but I am not at her beckon call.
And then she like huffs to herself and she's muttering to herself.

Speaker 6 And she seems like

Speaker 6 that's all she's saying at the moment.

Speaker 1 I'd say, hey,

Speaker 1 you matter. What you want to do matters.
I think maybe we should maybe combine forces to defeat your boss. And maybe you could help me with my boss later.

Speaker 6 You would get to roll a persuasion check right now on this dragon. You already have a good friendship with this dragon.

Speaker 1 A rapport, let's say, now, friends, Billy and the friendship.

Speaker 6 You have a connection with this dragon. Roll two times.

Speaker 1 Does the dragon look at Billy like a brother, like a little brother?

Speaker 1 A little bit, actually.

Speaker 6 I like that analogy. A little...

Speaker 6 A little like a lesser being that she's taking some mercy upon.

Speaker 1 Billy's simping a dragon. All right, I'm rolling.

Speaker 6 Do you get to roll two times and take the higher number? And you have a plus three on this. So I have that.

Speaker 1 I got a 14 on the first. Look at the mic, Billy.
14. Now we're going for a 20.
Okay.

Speaker 6 This is your second critical hit in a row trying to talk to this dragon. She starts to say, you know,

Speaker 6 you're right. I do matter.
I'm a dragon. In fact, I matter more than all of them.

Speaker 6 I matter more than all of them combined.

Speaker 6 I am a superior being, they dare. Oh, Billy, and she almost feels like so invigorated, and she's like, Whoa, a little mortal being got me to feel this way.

Speaker 6 And she looks back at you, and you see in her eye, she's focused on you, she's impressed with you right now.

Speaker 6 Billy, the simp, she says, What do you suggest, Rockman? And you see her turn her head back to this castle, like, I'm all ears. I might do whatever you suggest right now.

Speaker 1 I'm saying that you

Speaker 1 you dragoness fine creature

Speaker 6 Let me say it's just dragon. It's just dragon no dragoness.

Speaker 1 Well, thank you dragon. I would love to hop back on your back and maybe head back to the action and we could really tear it up and deal with your priestess Absolutely.

Speaker 6 She starts flapping back to the castle. You're still on her back.
She turns 180 in the air, slow arc, and starts flying back towards the castle.

Speaker 6 The cultists who are noticing are kind of like, good, I think it's good. All right, that's great.
And as the dragon starts to get closer, she looks down and says,

Speaker 6 shall I scare the high priestess? And it seems like that's where she's starting. Do you suggest something more intense or something different?

Speaker 1 I would say throw a little scare to everybody on the battlefield, neither side, and maybe say, hey, you know what? Maybe we could end up ruling all of them.

Speaker 7 Ooh, Billy, you bad boy.

Speaker 6 She's going to fly down

Speaker 6 and kind of buzz the line right between the castle and the siege line of cultists. And she breathes a bolt of lightning out of her mouth.

Speaker 6 It is like a ghostbuster beam that kind of hits the ground and starts cutting along the ground.

Speaker 6 And she brings it dangerously close to the castle, letting one of the town guardsmen kind of go flying back a little.

Speaker 6 He almost falls and stumbles back away from the wall but he's okay and then she cuts that lightning line into the cultist line just slightly barbecuing a pair of kobolds and sending some human cultists flying back and then she shuts her mouth and the lightning ends she didn't hurt anybody and then she says to you how do you like that i said that was amazing babe she says it was amazing i agree

Speaker 1 for her feeling dude

Speaker 1 how about yeah how about her feelings do you want to do it again She says, I'd love to do it again.

Speaker 6 She's a little harder this time.

Speaker 1 She's not satisfied.

Speaker 6 Yeah, she recharges her breath weapon. You see more lightning charge up in her mouth.
And she says, where next? With a critical hit, I'll let you target one more time.

Speaker 6 Where do you want her to shoot now?

Speaker 1 Dude, finish off the drink.

Speaker 1 I would like her to shoot all on the.

Speaker 1 What do you want her to shoot, Billy? Oh, dude.

Speaker 1 Put her glasses on. I wanted to

Speaker 1 blast

Speaker 1 right on the queen. No, should I do the queen? That's kind of hot.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Blast the queen.

Speaker 6 The high priestess?

Speaker 1 Yeah, the high priestess. We're sure we want to blast the high priestess and not her little defender guy.

Speaker 1 Because we got the drakes in the rope.

Speaker 1 Kill the head, the body dies. The big guy is on the ground still from the banana peel.
Yeah, no, we got... Kill the head, the body dies.
Yeah, but we've got, so we... Alright, hold on.

Speaker 1 I feel like you're gonna be able to do it. You can do whatever you want.
You can do whatever you want.

Speaker 1 But just to, just to reset, we have the Drake's on the ropes and the big guy that PFT tripped on the ropes. I think you guys have that.

Speaker 1 Okay, all right. Deal.

Speaker 1 Me, my dragon. It's your move.
We're going to the priestess.

Speaker 1 She doesn't belong to you, Billy. Go for it.
She has her own agency. She's an independent.
She's a strong woman. Strong dragon.
Woman dragon. She's defined as by her dragonliness.
I'm saying

Speaker 1 she's a wagon. She's a badass.
Yeah. Yeah.
Billy, also, how come you never hang out with the bros anymore?

Speaker 1 Spend all your time with this dragon. Well, you know what? She understands me.
Yeah. You guys just bully me.
Anyway,

Speaker 1 tell me I'm not strong.

Speaker 1 You never go to the

Speaker 1 tavern and dump the dragon and rip some box before. Fun flaggons before dragons, bro.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. So he wants to do the dragon thing.
Yeah, let's just do full-out attack on the priestess, me and the dragon, double-teaming the priestess. I want to use all my rolls, all my turns.

Speaker 1 I just want to go full send

Speaker 1 on, like, send everything, my hammer toss thing.

Speaker 6 thing just let's get it absolutely i love that you said that because you still have your action so as the dragon cruises in for her lightning breath you still have your attack ready to go and she looks back at you as you suggest attacking the high priestess she looks at you and you're like uh oh i went too far at first and then she pauses and says all right Let's go.

Speaker 6 She turns back like she's gunning for the priestess and then says, hey, remember that time you fired that guiding bolt at me?

Speaker 6 Time to put your time to direct it as a team. I want you to fire your guiding bolt at him first because that's going to make her lightning breath even better.
Against

Speaker 6 so she gives you a chance to help her roll a d20 plus four to see if you hit with this guiding bolt.

Speaker 6 Fire it from your hammer. It's a laser blast sent by Kabaki, the Ram Lord.

Speaker 1 I got

Speaker 1 a seven.

Speaker 6 A seven plus four.

Speaker 6 You are firing this beam at the high priestess, and you don't know if an 11 is gonna hit. So, would you invoke your

Speaker 6 guided strike plus 10 ability?

Speaker 1 Yeah, once before you

Speaker 6 recharge it. I think now's the right time.
You add a plus 10 to your roll, and that you see the beam firing, and then it's going like the wrong way.

Speaker 6 It's going a little to her left, And then all of a sudden a head forms on the end of the beam of ram horns and a ram head and it reorients itself and you see her charging feet and boom, it hits the high priestess and you get to deal 4D six damage.

Speaker 6 So I will roll that for you. You have dealt two, three, five so far, six and...
10 points of damage total to the high priestess.

Speaker 6 She gets zapped right in the shoulder. You see her fall back

Speaker 6 with her shoulders smoking from the energy of that blast. And she is not halfway dead just yet.
But then she looks up and she prepares to shake her fist at you.

Speaker 6 She realizes that you are not alone, that the dragon is about to breathe on her. And she goes, no,

Speaker 6 and falls back in her chair. The cultists are all dropping her chair and trying to run, but it's too late.
Because of the guided bolt, she is glowing.

Speaker 6 And the lightning breath of the dragon shoots out. She rolls two times and takes the lower number.
And because of your guided bolt, the dragon deals full lightning damage.

Speaker 6 The high priestess is barbecued and incinerated before your very eyes.

Speaker 1 Billy!

Speaker 1 Billy! Billy! Billy! Billy! Billy! Way to go, dude.

Speaker 6 You're fucking... And the high priestess's ashes and her chair, the pieces of her chair just fall to the ground.
All those cultists also got incinerated completely.

Speaker 6 So they're all lying dead around her. And that armored figure who's still trying to stand up looks over and then goes,

Speaker 6 I'm assuming command here. I'm assuming command here.
And he's trying to shout out like all the cultists are panicking and starting to run already.

Speaker 6 He's trying to take control of them, but berserker Billy Lennathon is just, ah,

Speaker 6 she's laughing at everything that is happening around you.

Speaker 6 But that would bring us back to Ehrlich and Sir Ogerton at this point. It seems like this blue dragon

Speaker 6 person, this Lang de Drosa, who is still trying to pick themselves up off the ground, is trying to assume control of this army still.

Speaker 1 Okay. It's like a turtle that fell on his back trying to get up right now.
Basically, right now. Okay.

Speaker 6 Trying to stand up, not doing a great job. And he's having a tough time with that.

Speaker 1 What do you want us to do? Do you want to try to convince Coach O to go finish him off? Do whatever you got to do.

Speaker 1 Whatever you want to do. Let's go for the kill shot.
Okay.

Speaker 6 So are you having Coach O step out to be the challenger for Lang de Drosa?

Speaker 6 Yes. Yeah, I think it's.
Probably be a good thing.

Speaker 1 So it's Billy versus Coach O?

Speaker 1 No, it's Coach O versus

Speaker 1 this guy that slipped on the banana.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay, okay.

Speaker 6 And at this point, it's totally up to us whether we still want to pretend to even being doing a duel. We know if we take out this Lang de Drosa, the army has no leadership left.

Speaker 6 They're going to be just wanting to flee from out of here. And we could all gang up on Lang Language Drew.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's

Speaker 1 feel like we might as well send more than one person at him, right?

Speaker 1 Jake? Yeah.

Speaker 6 Coach O says he's in.

Speaker 6 And in that case, I'll let Ehrlich roll for Coach O. Coach O would have a plus seven on his attack roll.
He's got a big bonus. So you can go ahead and roll a D20 plus seven for Coach O.

Speaker 1 17. There we go.

Speaker 6 17 plus 522. Coach O

Speaker 6 charges out and

Speaker 6 you're going to get it, Charles Elder now. And he deals a total of 10 points of damage to LangdeDrosa.
Lang de Drosa gets a slash across the shoulder.

Speaker 6 He is still trying to stand up off the ground, but he is not bloodied. He is not halfway dead yet, even after 10 points of damage.
And that was Coach O.

Speaker 1 Ehrlich.

Speaker 6 What would you like to do? You just sent Coach O out to fight Lord Sir O, and you could do an attack as well.

Speaker 6 If you wanted to launch an eldritch blast at this guy, that would be a d20 plus five, and that's one of your best attacks.

Speaker 1 I would love to try that.

Speaker 6 Absolutely, roll a d20 plus five, see if your eldritch blast is hitting.

Speaker 1 15. Okay,

Speaker 6 15 plus five, a 20. You absolutely hit Langdedrosa for a total of another exactly 10 points of damage.
And at 20 damage, Langdedrosa is badly injured. They are more than halfway down.

Speaker 6 Ehrlich, that was your turn. We know that LangdeDrosa is about to go right after Wayne's turn.

Speaker 6 So, Wayne, if you can do something to eliminate LangdeDrosa, great. Otherwise, they are going to get a chance to stand up and start fighting Sir O.

Speaker 1 I think what I'd like to do.

Speaker 1 I'd like to get the whole squad hyped up here. So,

Speaker 1 can I play Sandstorm? Yes.

Speaker 6 Absolutely. You start to play, and who do you want to give inspiration to at that? You get to pick one person, and they get extra inspiration.

Speaker 1 I think I got to go with Big Cat. I got to go with the Goliath.
Let's go. The Big Cat.

Speaker 1 Love it.

Speaker 1 Actually, did you play? Who let the dogs out? Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who let the dogs out? Who?

Speaker 1 Everybody watching?

Speaker 6 All of the town guards on the wall start cheering along with that call.

Speaker 6 And now Norm and Ehrlich all both have Vardic inspiration at this point that they can call upon to pump up one of their D20 roles by a little bit.

Speaker 6 We haven't needed it yet, but I'll let you know if it comes in handy. It gets you a little bit of a boost.
Okay. You inspire people.
Anything else you want to do on your tour?

Speaker 6 You can inspire somebody else, or you can do a spell at this point.

Speaker 1 I'd like to cast a spell because I feel like this Languedrosa guy is a mental beta. Like he just has no brain, basically.
He's just a muscle-bound freak.

Speaker 1 So I'd like to cast a spell on him that turns

Speaker 1 that turns his brain smaller. Can I shrink his brain?

Speaker 6 Let's see. I think you have the charm.
I'm checking you got a charm person spell. Well, okay.
Oh, I know exactly what you're doing. Hideous laughter.

Speaker 6 If you cast that on him, he would stop being able to do anything but laughing. He would fall to the ground, drop all his weapons, and just be hysterically laughing on the ground like Joker.

Speaker 1 To kill the shit out of him. Yeah, You're shrinking brains.
Okay.

Speaker 6 That's about as close to brain dead as you can get.

Speaker 1 I like the fucking Joseph Kennedy over here. Can we just say that for the the purposes of this role, I'm having my assistant go over and blow a shitload of smoke into his ear.

Speaker 1 Like get him so high that he just he just keeps laughing.

Speaker 6 I love that.

Speaker 6 Your your um uh unseen servant flies over and then just like hot boxes his brain basically just blows all the smoke straight into his brain and he's just foggy he's not so much laughing as all of a sudden language goes.

Speaker 6 He's like, this, this, sir. Oh, you think you dare face me? And I should, I, well, what was I?

Speaker 6 Who's the, what the, where's the, uh, uh, and he's just looking around, and then he looks at his weapon and just goes, what's the, what's the, and he opens up his hands.

Speaker 6 The weapon falls out of his hands and he starts to look at his fingers.

Speaker 1 He's like,

Speaker 1 whoa,

Speaker 1 dude, look at you.

Speaker 1 I gotta eat that fucking fake chili you ate. Dude, pretty cool.

Speaker 6 And he's looking up at Coach O like, this this is pretty cool.

Speaker 6 And he's having a good time, but doesn't realize he's in combat anymore.

Speaker 1 Well done. Great.
Wayne.

Speaker 6 That brings us to LangdeDros' turn. Langdedros spends his whole turn just looking at his fingers.
And at the end of his turn, he gets a saving throw to try to break free. So let's see if he's coming.

Speaker 6 He is still just looking at his fingers and kind of giggling to himself. And that is the end of Langdedros' turn.
Norm, that would bring us to you. What would you like to do?

Speaker 1 What do you guys want me to do? Should I just

Speaker 1 finish off Langdrosa?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 If you were to charge at Langdedrosa and attack him right now, you would get an advantage because he is just laughing and looking at his fingers right now.

Speaker 6 And if you went reckless, you would get another advantage. So I would give you three D20 rolls.

Speaker 1 Okay, Billy, stop. All right.
Billy's getting reckless, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and he's hyped up too, right? Yeah, yeah. So let me, yeah, let me just finish him off.
I want to finish him off.

Speaker 6 You can roll three D20s and take the highest number if you go reckless. And there's no reason not to, because next turn, he's not fighting anybody.

Speaker 1 Yep. All right, here we go.

Speaker 1 17. Pretty good.
17.

Speaker 1 12. All right.

Speaker 1 1. 17.

Speaker 6 So we're going to use the 17 with a plus 522. You charge out with your greatsword and you drive it into Langdedros's shoulder.
You are dealing

Speaker 6 max damage.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's going to be 13.

Speaker 6 Ooh, no, that's 15 damage in all, plus the 20 damage LangdeDrosa already had. How do you want to kill LangdeDrosa? You're driving the sword into his shoulder.

Speaker 6 You pull it out, and what's the finishing blow?

Speaker 1 I want to make him fucking suffer. So I want to just slowly, I want to slice his neck and let him bleed out.

Speaker 6 You just grab his head, slice his neck with your greatsword, like one-handed.

Speaker 6 And his head is now in your grip. His body falls to the ground.

Speaker 6 Do you hold it up so that the army can see the head of Langdedrosa?

Speaker 1 Yeah, can I throw it at one of the Drake's?

Speaker 6 Absolutely.

Speaker 6 Do you want to throw it at the one who's climbing the wall?

Speaker 1 Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 6 Make an athletics check. You get to roll two times because you're raging, and you throw the head up at that Drake.
He's got that five point.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's good. 12.

Speaker 6 12 is the higher of the two.

Speaker 1 Yep, 12 is the higher.

Speaker 6 Five is a 17. That's a hit against the Drake.

Speaker 6 And as long as it fails, this, which he got a one on, the Drake looks, and you see the Drake is like seeing the head coming out, like, no, no, it can't be. It can't be.
The kobold's like, move, move.

Speaker 6 And then bonk, it hits the Drake. The Drake lets go and falls onto the three kobolds, crushing them.

Speaker 6 The army sees this. They throw their weapons up in the air, some of them, and start panicking and trying to run away from the village.

Speaker 6 And it looks like they are fleeing into the wilderness, trying to get away from all of us. Sir O lets out a cheer and the town guardsmen all cheer and the villagers all start celebrating.

Speaker 6 And as the cult flees, they rush up and start thanking us profusely. And it looks like by all accounts, we've saved the village of Greenest, everybody.
We're heroes, guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Thanks for coming out, Links.
What a fucking job. Yes.

Speaker 1 Isn't it still my turn? Oh, you're still fucking the dragon. Dude, that was teamwork makes a dream work.
It was. We fucking fucked these people up.
Do we own this town now? Yeah, can we build some?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, you don't own anything. I'd love to build like a treehouse.

Speaker 6 So actually, yeah, to find out what happens next, the last, you know, in theory, at the end of initiative,

Speaker 6 Turn still has to go. Berserker Billy, the cult is fleeing, and then Lenathon, the dragon, looks back at you and says, ha ha, this was fun.

Speaker 6 What should we do next? And she's willing willing to hear you out on whatever you suggest next.

Speaker 1 Why don't we just put the town into like the sickest playplace ever? No, wait, wait. We can build it like a medieval Dave and Buster's with arrows and shit.

Speaker 1 So who wants to live here?

Speaker 1 Are you threatening us? Yeah, I'm fucking threatening you. I got a dragon.
Fuck you, Billy. No, no.
Who are you to live? Who wants to live? It's my fucking castle. All right.

Speaker 1 I say, I would like to ask the dragon, yo, do you want to just take over this castle and torture my boss? God damn it,

Speaker 6 go ahead and roll a persuasion check. You're rolling two times and taking the higher number.
You have advantage.

Speaker 1 Yeah, who's going to commit treason and who's strong now?

Speaker 1 Who's strong now? Go ahead and roll, bitch.

Speaker 1 One, seven, seven. Go ahead now.
Basically the same thing as one.

Speaker 6 Do the next one.

Speaker 1 Here comes a one.

Speaker 1 Nine.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're fucked, boys.

Speaker 6 Is it a critical hit?

Speaker 1 Yeah, 19.

Speaker 1 And I want to add it.

Speaker 6 19 plus 3, still great. A 22 with a 22.
The dragon says, well, a village like this, I normally wouldn't bother with.

Speaker 6 You were only here because the cultists wanted to squeeze out every copper coin they could get to build the horde of Tiamat. And then she says it very casually, so that we can bring Tiamat.

Speaker 6 to this world.

Speaker 6 But

Speaker 6 I wouldn't normally have ever attacked a village like this. And frankly, the idea of ruling over a village like this,

Speaker 6 you know what? It would be boring, but it might be fun. And it would be easy.
Very easy.

Speaker 1 Billy's trying to make Billy's trying to make his girlfriend settle.

Speaker 1 No, no, I'm going to get bored.

Speaker 1 I don't care.

Speaker 1 Billy's ashamed that his girlfriend makes more money. I'm going to say, Billy, and he's trying to keep her quiet.
Dude, you better kill us.

Speaker 1 You better kill us because this is already.

Speaker 1 I just want to enslave Norm the human because humans aren't nice to dragons or Goliath. Okay.

Speaker 1 No. Humans hate magical creatures.
I hate you. No, yeah, yeah.
You better live? Billy, you better kill him. I have the power here.
I am the cup that

Speaker 1 you come at the king. You best not make it.
No, no, no. I have the power here.
Billy. This is the magical world.
I have the power. Yeah, I know.
He's on the dragon. You better kill all three of us.

Speaker 1 You can kill this. Otherwise, you're fucked.
Also, Billy, what you have to understand is this dragon right now, it doesn't give a shit about your small little games.

Speaker 1 This dragon's going to leave your ass and go. Go ahead, Billy.
Tell your thing. Do your thing.
Go with your girlfriend and destroy what we've built together. No, no, no.
This is what I'm going to say.

Speaker 1 This is about to kill all of us.

Speaker 1 Dragon.

Speaker 1 So I helped you. I'd like to play Tears in Heaven while Billy's about to prepare this.

Speaker 1 Billy,

Speaker 1 this is the dumbest attack ever. Go ahead, Billy.
No, this is what I'm going to do.

Speaker 1 Dragon, I helped you defeat your boss. Could you please help me enslave my boss and make me his boss? Not to do a spoiler, but you're Matthew Bevluakwa fucking holding up the poker game in Sopranos.

Speaker 1 You're going to die.

Speaker 1 We're going to torture you. I don't care about that.
You have any idea what you're doing right now, Billy? I just want to show these people.

Speaker 1 It's a big mistake.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. He wants to attack me.

Speaker 1 Stay with your chest. If you want to kill me, kill me.
If I kill him, are you going to kill me? Or are you going to kill me? Absolutely. Yes.
You're all against me? Yes.

Speaker 1 No, I just want to take a look at it. No, Billy, we're all together.
No, no, he's been talking shit the whole game. We just did something awesome, and then you just went to the bottom.

Speaker 1 I did something awesome.

Speaker 1 You guys got a dude.

Speaker 1 Billy, you sound like you're nervous because you're talking about it a lot instead of doing it. I did this.
You guys. Hey, push it.

Speaker 1 Do it. Okay.
Do it.

Speaker 1 You won't blast Norm the Barbarian. Great.
You won't?

Speaker 6 You want to blast Norm the Barbarian with lightning?

Speaker 1 Send everything at him. Everything.
The whole kitchen sink.

Speaker 6 Dang. She did recharge your breath weapon.

Speaker 6 I tried to help.

Speaker 1 Let's slam his ass.

Speaker 6 You could. She says, all right.

Speaker 6 That barbarian there, you want me to breathe lightning on him?

Speaker 1 And I want to send my hammer too.

Speaker 6 Anthuria. Yeah, I guess.
well uh yeah you could you could do one more guiding bolt

Speaker 1 can i just point something out like it sounds like you're trying to kill him not enslave him no no i want to i just want to show him i'm i'm stronger i hope i'm the strongest i hope you kill me in this turn because then i have to have three turns before your turn comes Go ahead.

Speaker 1 No, but if you don't get a turn, if you're dead,

Speaker 1 I hope you kill me. Lights you up.
I hope you kill me. All right, here we go.

Speaker 6 Lennathon the Dragon with your 22 is going to say one thing. She's going to suggest I have other means of dominating

Speaker 6 my enemies

Speaker 6 and putting them in their place

Speaker 1 other than killing them. Dragon.

Speaker 6 She seems to, I'll tell you what she's suggesting. She seems to be suggesting that she has a fear aura that if she invokes, he'll have to make a saving throw.

Speaker 6 And if he can't, it fails the saving throw, then he is like, by default, kind of like afraid of this dragon and not able to charge towards it.

Speaker 6 It's like the dragon lets out a roar, and then whoever is afraid of this dragon is kind of like not able to move closer to you and gets disadvantage on attack rolls.

Speaker 6 So, there's a mechanical penalty that you're kind of putting on them.

Speaker 6 And she's suggesting that instead of breathing lightning, and you can do whichever one you want.

Speaker 1 Billy didn't understand what you just said. Lightning blast or either fear.
You might have to re-explain that to Billy. Use a lot of three-syllable words.
Do the original plan. I want to, buddy.

Speaker 1 I want to make pal, Norm the Barbarian, know I'm the strongest in the land.

Speaker 6 Okay. If that's the way you're phrasing it, then she will fly onto the castle wall right up to Norm.
So Norm's on the, well, no, Norm's on the ground. She lands on the ground.

Speaker 6 The cultists are fleeing. And she lands on the ground around the dead body of Langdedrosa.

Speaker 6 And then she looks down at the dead body of Langdedrosa and frowns a little bit and says, looks at Norm and says, you killed my idiot son.

Speaker 1 I don't really care, but

Speaker 6 I suggest you back down.

Speaker 6 And she flexes her wings and lets out a roar into the sky. Norm, roll a d20 plus your wisdom saving throw.
This represents your ability to kind of discipline yourself and hold on to your courage.

Speaker 6 But you have on this a plus one, and I'm going to give you an advantage on this. You're a barbarian who's raging.

Speaker 1 I like the idea that you get advanced. 16.
16. Very nice throw, barbara.
Good. Nice job.

Speaker 6 Roll one more time. You get two rolls on this that you can take the higher number.

Speaker 1 17. 17.

Speaker 1 17

Speaker 6 and 17 plus one.

Speaker 6 18 is enough. And with an 18, you are not afraid of this dragon.
The dragon roars and you just get the hot breath of this dragon on you and you just shake your head like no.

Speaker 1 So when are we going to start attacking him?

Speaker 6 Now the dragon just did the fear aura and is like, mmm and looks at looks at Norm and he doesn't seem intimidated.

Speaker 6 And she goes, I thought that would would work to you what do you suggest now do you want to launch your spell at norm do you want to uh have her breathe her lightning on norm

Speaker 1 um hmm

Speaker 6 sounds like you're second guessing yourself now billy yeah i thought now to be fair i gotta be honest and she just used the fear aura that strategy means that she didn't get to use her breath weapon she could use her claws and her bite against norm still but since you used her fear aura that she was hoping would work and get the point across and it didn't so now she's like, ugh, my breath weapon, I got to do next turn.

Speaker 6 Right now, I could claw and bite, or you could do something if you want to attack Norm. But also, she's like kind of looking like, do you want to attack this guy?

Speaker 1 Are there any other options? Oh,

Speaker 1 you talked yourself out of it.

Speaker 1 Billy, what you don't understand is that you're already dead. Done.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You're already dead. Oh, yeah, you're dead, Billy.

Speaker 1 No matter what you do, no matter what amends you try to make, you're fucking dead. Done.
Okay, okay. Just, we're going to attack him.
Everything. I want to use all my powers and special things.

Speaker 1 I just want, and then she uses her claws, her teeth, you know, like really get in there. All the stuff drag yourself.
Yeah, yeah, keep talking. Tail, whip,

Speaker 1 fusto, the last words you'll ever say. Okay, I think this is it for me.
So, all right, let's go.

Speaker 6 So, the proper order to do things is you fire your guiding bolt first, roll a d20 plus four, and we'll see if you hit norm.

Speaker 6 I really got to check your stats now because I want to be fair about this. You got to get a 14 or higher.
You have a plus four.

Speaker 1 He had a seven.

Speaker 1 That's great. Not great to see, right? He's trying to kill him.
He's trying to kill him.

Speaker 6 Unfortunately, guiding bolts, you haven't hit with it yet.

Speaker 6 That first attack is not with advantage, unfortunately.

Speaker 1 No advantage.

Speaker 6 Well, and you've already used your guiding bolts.

Speaker 1 I have two. I have two.
I have two of them. I have two of them.

Speaker 6 So you have two of the ones where if you swing your hammer, you can swing it again a second time, but you only have one

Speaker 6 thing. You have plus 10 on your attack.
Roll that's one.

Speaker 1 You already used that one.

Speaker 1 That's gonna fly away. Can I fly away?

Speaker 6 The guiding bolt doesn't hit. She still will get to fly away, but you can still do her dragon attacks.

Speaker 1 No, I just want to, I just want to take my woman and leave.

Speaker 6 Dragon. Absolutely.
Then in that case, she is gonna, you're gonna be like, let's, let's get out of here, actually. And she goes, oh, and she kind of looks at you.
Actually, do one roll on this.

Speaker 1 One roll of her sweet bolt.

Speaker 6 Don't do terrible on this.

Speaker 1 Because she's like oh you're you're backing off now you're a little human barbarian you're not that tough roll one one persuasion check you're getting dumped and killed in the same deck why is it this game

Speaker 1 it's going so well come on billy roll go ahead billy can i one persuasion check you have a plus three just get better than like a I really wanted 10 or higher. Where's my priesthood come in?

Speaker 1 Can I like summon a god to help me right now? How many turns is Billy?

Speaker 6 Shadow more and more of your god's power, but all you can do right now is get a plus 10 on your attack roll once per day and invoke other healing magic and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 All right. I'm rolling.

Speaker 6 All right. So this will be a persuasion check.
Just

Speaker 6 looks back at you and says, you know what? Good move. We're done with this village, right? Okay.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 6 she seems to be thinking that you're doing this for a brave reason. And so she says, all right, where should we go? And she starts to take off.

Speaker 6 But as you're making a suggestion, she starts to take off. Norm, you were right next to her, and so was Sir Ogerton.
So you could roll an attack against this dragon if you want to hit this dragon.

Speaker 1 Interesting.

Speaker 1 Can I roll anything to just have the dragon leave and Billy stay? So like the dragon buck Billy off?

Speaker 6 I will let you.

Speaker 1 I don't care about the dragon. I don't give a fuck about the dragon.
The dragon got messed up with the wrong.

Speaker 1 What if we just attracted the dragon somehow and had the dragon date all three of us and billy had to watch

Speaker 6 i rolled a 20 i rolled a 20 that was persuasive i'd let you make one jump to try to grab berserker billy off the dragon's back okay this would normally be with disadvantage because of how high up he is but and the dragon helping but since you are raging you have advantage they cancel each other out it's just one roll and before you do that roll berserker billy you get to oppose it so you do your own roll to see what number Norm needs to get to knock you off the dragon.

Speaker 6 Do a D20 roll and you get to add, let's see, it's a for you plus four. You get to add a plus four to this with your athletics.

Speaker 6 And then Norm, you'll get a lot of that. Oh, that's a two.

Speaker 1 Is it too good, Tim?

Speaker 1 You want to get high, right? Not low?

Speaker 1 Not great. Two's not great.
All right, so this is actually, so wait, let's just set the stage. This is actually going to be a perfect place to end today.
So Billy tried to kill us all.

Speaker 1 Tried to kill you too, Hank. He tried to kill all of us.

Speaker 1 We took over as a teamwork. We took over the entire village.
We slayed everyone. And then Billy helped 0%.

Speaker 1 What? Tried to fuck a dragon and then was like, let me kill everyone. You let a dragon come in between us and our friendship with him.

Speaker 1 I killed him.

Speaker 1 And immediately Billy tried to kill Big Cat. Yes.
Yes. So Billy now is trying.
He tried to kill me. He wasn't able to.
He wasn't able to scare me. Now he's trying to leave.

Speaker 1 So we're going to end with my role. Either I'm going to grab Billy and pull him off the dragon, correct him.
Yes. Or they will fly away and we will figure out what we'll do to Billy afterwards.

Speaker 6 Okay. 100%.
Yes.

Speaker 1 All I need is what?

Speaker 6 You need, it sounds like with a two that Berserker Billy rolled, he had a plus four on this. So what you need is a six or higher, and you have a plus five on this.

Speaker 1 So I need a one?

Speaker 1 I need a one? I think you got this one, big cat.

Speaker 6 So here's the thing. I'll be very clear about this.
Something crazy always happens if you get a one. So if you get a one, you still grab Berserker Billy, but the dragon takes off with both of you.

Speaker 1 Wait, oh, wait, well, fuck that.

Speaker 6 Because of that bad roll, one way or another, Berserker Billy, you were hanging a little low on this dragon.

Speaker 1 Okay, all right. All right.
So here was a bad roll, Billy.

Speaker 1 What happens on a two?

Speaker 1 Here comes the roll, Billy. You die on a two.

Speaker 1 18. I think that's enough.

Speaker 1 I think he jumps too far.

Speaker 6 You jump up. You are, since you rolled well, getting exactly where you want to get to, and you are grabbing Berserker Billy and tackling him off the dragon's back.

Speaker 6 The dragon takes off, looks down at you, and I will give one roll,

Speaker 6 then looks at you, Berserker Billy, and just shakes her head and slides away.

Speaker 6 to the south where the cultists seem to be fleeing towards and all of the army with the dragon seems to be flying to the south.

Speaker 6 But you do see, to be fair, for all your critical hits, the dragon look back once at you, looking sad, and then again, like, I shouldn't have done that. I feel bad.
You know, I forget it.

Speaker 1 And then she keeps flying, but she did have reservations. Okay.
She's going to go have brunch with her dragon friend, Samar and be like, you'll never believe the worst date I just had. That's perfect.

Speaker 1 Come back. Perfect.

Speaker 1 Perfect ending. So

Speaker 1 we're going to pick it up in two weeks. And Billy is now captured, and we have all three of our turns in a row before Billy gets to go again.

Speaker 1 And I think we've got like three images, or we've got Bob Costa still that we can use to torture. We're going to torture an imaginary friend.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 6 I'll be clear that if we want to have a backup character for if something happens to Berserker Billy and he becomes unplayable, just let me know what character you want to have.

Speaker 1 Our darling. Yeah, yeah.
It will be Jake. Jake, if we kill Billy, Jake will step in as the force.
Is there a scribe character, like somebody

Speaker 1 who's almost like a journalist?

Speaker 6 There would be a wizard might be considered like a journalist or darling rogue.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so get the wizard ready just in case we decide to kill Billy. When I say just in case, we are 100% going to kill Billy next time.

Speaker 6 I will have the wizard on hand and ready to go if and when we need a new character, for sure.

Speaker 1 All right. Awesome.
Thank you so much, Tim. We'll see you in a couple weeks.
Have a great 4th of July.

Speaker 6 Thank you all. Absolutely.
And same to you.

Speaker 6 And I do just also want to say thank you to Ethan Matthews, your listener, who let me know about a little bit of the culture of the TMC and some of the information to insert Coach Overton.

Speaker 6 I wanted to thank him for making it all good. That was great.

Speaker 1 Shout out to Ethan. That was awesome.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. When we realized it was Coach Overton.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much, Tim.

Speaker 6 Thanks so much. Appreciate it.

Speaker 6 We're talking away.

Speaker 6 I don't know what to say. I'm saying

Speaker 6 we're

Speaker 6 Today's on my day, to find you, shy.

Speaker 1 I've been coming for your love of day,

Speaker 1 shy.

Speaker 1 I've been coming for your love of day.

Speaker 1 Needless to say,

Speaker 1 I've always said it's about being so lonely.

Speaker 1 Slowly than my mind is okay. Stay after me.

Speaker 1 Say after me.

Speaker 1 Take on me.

Speaker 1 Things that you say

Speaker 1 is in life or just play my worries away.

Speaker 1 You are things I've got to remember.

Speaker 1 Shine away.

Speaker 1 I've been coming for you many light. You shine away.

Speaker 1 I'm coming for you many light.

Speaker 1 Take on me. Day.

Speaker 1 Take on me. I'm in your

Speaker 1 face.

Speaker 1 Take on me.