Scott Van Pelt, Ryan Lochte, Mt Flushmore of Car Accessories And Sports Are Back?

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Speaker 1 On today's part of my take, we have our good friend Scott Van Pelt on the show. We talk a little baseball with him.
We talk a little video games. games.

Speaker 1 Some unfair accusations are made. We get into inside his head, his bald head.
Great time with him. We also have Ryan Lochte on, one of the greatest philosophers of our time.

Speaker 1 Good friend, recurring guest, Ryan Lochte.

Speaker 1 We have Fire Fest of the Week, the Mount Flushmore of Car Accessories, and FAQs. All on today's show.

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Speaker 3 Now in the streets, there is violence,

Speaker 3 and then I love the song of work to be done.

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Speaker 3 and then I can game all on the sun. Oh no, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.

Speaker 3 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 3 Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.

Speaker 1 It's Pardon My Take presented by Barstool Sports. Welcome to Pardon My Take presented by the Cash App.
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Today is Friday, May 29th, and sports are back-ish.

Speaker 1 We're getting announcements about announcements. We're getting half-announcements.
NHL, the Stanley Cup playoffs are back, sort of, because we don't know when, but the 2014 tournament is awesome.

Speaker 1 The Blackhawks made the playoffs. I don't know how, but yeah, sports feel like they're coming back.

Speaker 4 They're definitely coming back. I'm very excited about it.
I was trying to crack the code on the NHL playoff format. It's tough to follow at first.
You need to dive into it a little bit.

Speaker 4 But the upshot is there are more teams in the playoffs. They're probably going to play it at like the Disney Wild World of Sports or wherever that is down in Orlando.

Speaker 1 I think they're playing in the word I got from our hockey guy, from Spit and Chicklets, our hockey guys, Vegas and Edmonton look like the most likely spots.

Speaker 4 It's just going to be in Vegas and Edmonton. Yeah, it's only two spots.

Speaker 1 It's two spots.

Speaker 4 And they're not going to the East Coast at all.

Speaker 1 I don't know if that's official. There's 10 finalist cities.
I think Pittsburgh was on there.

Speaker 1 What would you say? It's like the Olympics. Yeah, yeah, but they're going to do all the games in two cities.
You're going to do Eastern Conference, Western Conference.

Speaker 4 Did you talk to BizNasti?

Speaker 1 No, I talked to the producer of Spit and Chicklett, Mike Grinnell.

Speaker 4 I was going to say, I would like to have a live cam on Biz Nasty of him reading the playoff format, trying to understand it, like a dog listening to classical.

Speaker 1 It was pretty straightforward.

Speaker 4 It was after you get past the first opening round part.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's five through 12 play in a five-game series, and then one through four play in a round-robin tournament for seating.

Speaker 1 Which the seating really means nothing except for line changes because you're not playing at home.

Speaker 4 But it's nice. Yeah, home ice advantage doesn't mean anything.
Are they going to play the games like back-to-back on the same day or are they going to space it out like the normal spacing playoffs?

Speaker 1 It seems like they're going to play it kind of like just blitz it. Just do that.

Speaker 1 I mean, they're not going to not like you don't have to play every single day, but it seems like there will be multiple games spread out through the day in these different hockey cities, and they're just going to go right through it.

Speaker 4 I'm psyched. I'm psyched.
As long as we can get an organ player there, that'll be all that I need.

Speaker 4 I need also the uh the horn's going to sound so loud when they score a goal oh yeah empty stadium that's pretty cool just give me i know that they're not going to be playing basketball games in the same arenas unless maybe if it's in vegas they might i just need the montage of the floor changing from hardwood to ice then back to floor if you could figure out a way to do that multiple times over the course of one day where they started off playing like one western conference game in the nhl and then they transitioned it to a basketball game then back to hockey i want as many of those montages as possible i'm i'm i'm totally down with the fake crowd noise they had it for the boondeslaga i thought it was awesome like it really does make it seem like a real game because you when you pan out you obviously see okay there's no crowd there but just do it it i and and i know the the opposition to that is we want to hear the players talk but as soon as players know that they're on a live mic they're not going to talk the same way They're not going to.

Speaker 1 If you put an NBA players on the court, if you put hockey players on the ice and you're like,

Speaker 1 people can pick up everything you say, there will not be talking.

Speaker 4 I think there still will be once you get in the heat of competition. So, what you need

Speaker 4 is you need something like they did with the match where they have somebody whose only job is to hit that dump button. Have like the most

Speaker 4 conservative ears, like Tipper Gore, have Al Gore's ex-wife, who was in charge of putting those explicit content stickers on records back in the 80s and 90s, have her listening to the live stream, and she's in charge of the dump button.

Speaker 1 It's just the fake crowd noise. I'm all for it.
I don't see any downside. I know people in their wildest dreams think, what? What's the downside? They think that it's going to be like a mic'd up.

Speaker 1 They think it's going to be a perpetual mic'd up where we're going to get the most interesting conversations and things.

Speaker 1 I don't think, one, I don't think the NFL would ever allow it because everyone's paranoid in the NFL. Two, I think as soon as anyone makes a mistake, they will be like, fuck that, we're out.

Speaker 1 So this idea, I know the fantasy land. Fake crowd noise could be the downside.
They could fuck that up. It could make the viewing experience suck.
Oh, but did you watch watch the

Speaker 1 German soccer? Did I watch the German? No. Okay.
I did not. Well, it's the only sport that's on.
I've watched Vlogbridge. Sports,

Speaker 1 watching the ball on the grass.

Speaker 4 Wait, so how would they fuck it up? They play the crowd noise too loud?

Speaker 1 Yeah, or like they play

Speaker 1 a DJ. Right.

Speaker 1 I mean, do you trust a DJ, like some random DJ that's going to be charged with the crowd noise? I mean, in the NBA, they're playing Jumbotron songs all throughout the game anyway.

Speaker 1 I hate that. I absolutely listen to that.
I don't disagree there. No, it's not.
Oh, you want to just silence?

Speaker 1 No, but I'm saying if you're talking about NBA, like there's plenty of basketball games that get play without them playing like fucking TI in the fourth quarter. Like that sucks.
Not many.

Speaker 1 Like they all... You mean like college basketball, yeah.
Well, yeah, they try harder, right?

Speaker 1 No, I'm just saying, like.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Are you saying that there's no downside? It's all

Speaker 1 I was saying. Yeah.
That they could... ruin the viewing experience.
The crowd noise is too loud. Of course, they play at times when it's not supposed to happen.

Speaker 4 Yeah, of course they have to tinker with it will make it not feel i'm just basing it off the full soccer game i watched with fake crowd noise that just it kind of went seamlessly i guess they gotta watch some boondus log where do you where do you catch the boondus log on television just have just have like one person who's in charge of raising the volume lowering it all they have to do is not play the vu vuzelas and everyone's gonna be happy that's the only way you can fuck this up i think it's gonna be interesting though if we get to football season and there's no crowd noise because then there is some gamesmanship of i can hear what the other quarterback's saying i can hear what the other coach is screaming at them that you wouldn't be able to hear unless you have Jason Garrett on your sidelines, which might be a secret advantage for the Giants.

Speaker 4 Just have a coach that doesn't talk.

Speaker 1 I just don't think the NFL would ever, they're so paranoid. They're all so paranoid.
They're not going to let that happen. They're not going to be like, hey, we'll just give you a live mic.

Speaker 1 Also, how about when someone gets violently hurt? Yeah, they probably don't want that on the bone sound.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's going to be good.

Speaker 1 I know people have this idea that, like I said, it's going to be mic'd up. I just don't, unless it's exactly like mic'd up, which I can't imagine it would be, just give me the feel of a crowd noise.

Speaker 4 I think that hockey players, basketball players, they're going to forget that there's no sound. Like,

Speaker 4 they're not thinking when they're playing, oh, this is on television. I wonder how it translates.

Speaker 4 They're going to let, they're going to be normal athletes out there saying the normal stuff that they would say, but you need to have that extra element of crowd noise to mask it.

Speaker 4 I think that the upside is way, way bigger than the downside. Of what? To having fake crowd noise.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, so sports are almost back. I mean, MLB is a cluster fuck.
We'll get to that with Scott Van Pel.

Speaker 4 Well, did you see what MLB Network's doing? What? So I think that this is MLB Network like torturing us, being like, okay, the players are going to play hardball. Guess what?

Speaker 4 We're going to put on a 48-hour non-stop marathon of Derek Cheater highlights.

Speaker 4 It's like, okay, you want to fuck around? Let's fuck around. Here's Joe West performing his live album.
That's all we're going to broadcast until the players agree to sign.

Speaker 1 I just, I keep going back to the fact that it feels like the owners are okay

Speaker 1 threatening like this year not having baseball and that tells you everything because if they are that means that they're probably not losing as much money as they're claiming they're going to lose they're just trying to get a good deal yeah so i don't know i i think something will get done because it will be increasingly embarrassing like if nba and nhl are playing playoffs in the middle of july and baseball's not even there that will be a huge embarrassment well they're gonna bring up the scab players if it all goes to shit it's gonna be all tim tebow all the time this summer the um so So that's kind of the state of sports.

Speaker 1 It feels like we're in this weird zone where it feels like everything's going to come back. EPL is going to come back.

Speaker 1 Everything's going to come back. But we have just a perpetual announcement for an announcement.

Speaker 4 That's fine. I'm okay with it.
Just give me something in the distance I can point at and be like,

Speaker 4 that's what's keeping me going for the next two weeks.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 All right. Anything else that we want to touch before we get to our Fire Fest?

Speaker 4 DNFL decided not to have that 4th and 15 as the onside kick. That's tough.
I was looking forward to it. Just any new wrinkle in the game is going to give us something to talk about for a while.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 So I guess it's just business as usual. Like, you're not going to recover any on-sides kicks unless you have Young Wei Ku on your team? Yep.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, this, I, I, I,

Speaker 1 it was discussed at great length is what everyone said. Fourth and 15 was discussed at great length when it when they went through everything.

Speaker 1 So it feels like eventually they'll come around to it, but maybe not right now.

Speaker 4 It was tabled.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was tabled for a later date.

Speaker 4 I just, come on, NFL, just do it.

Speaker 1 Just fucking do it. Just do it.
The only other thing I had was Jim Boylan. It came out that all the rookies' jobs on the Bulls team was to

Speaker 1 clock in because he actually had a factory clock. Yeah, I like that.
Love it.

Speaker 1 But they were just basically stealing time because the rookies would do it for the veterans.

Speaker 4 Oh, they would, the rookies were clocking in the corner.

Speaker 1 Part of their job was to clock in for the veterans.

Speaker 4 So everyone was in the middle of the city.

Speaker 1 Punched the time clock, yeah. Okay.
Well, it seems like Jim Boylan, Jim Boylan going back in time with technology, some loop holes exist.

Speaker 4 I'm okay with having it. I actually love it when coaches do stuff like that.
Like, you have to wear a hard hat to the game. You have to pack a lunch when you go to a game.

Speaker 4 You have to clock in and out of the factory.

Speaker 1 I like that.

Speaker 1 Who would have thought? Who would have thought that's a unit? Yeah, technically.

Speaker 4 You always see the most successful teams doing those kind of things. Unbelievable.

Speaker 1 All right, let's get to Firefest.

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Speaker 1 All right, let's do our Fire Fest of the Week. Fire Fest of the Week, Hank.
My Fire Fest is kind of a Fire Fest follow-up, but a couple Fire Fests ago, my Fire Fest was that my skateboard broke.

Speaker 1 Andrew, I got an AWL connect, hooked me up.

Speaker 1 I got sent a new skateboard. There was no controller in it, and I lost my other controller, so now I have a skateboard without the controller, so I'm still unable to ride around the city.

Speaker 4 That's like that old Mitch Hedberg thing of like escalators can't break, they just become stairs. So you have a skateboard that doesn't have a battery.
Congrats, you have a skateboard.

Speaker 1 Pretty much. But you don't know how to skateboard.
Well, no, I can skateboard.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 You can do it with your foot and everything. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can power yourself. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I have a longboard at the office. If I wanted to, I could longboard here.
That just sounds like a lot more work. Hank, what about this?

Speaker 4 You're a big fan of wearing Heely's. Why don't you just Heely home?

Speaker 1 Do you have those Heelys anymore? I would love some adult Heelys.

Speaker 4 Get Hank some Heely's and he'll Heely to the office and back.

Speaker 1 Get us all Heely's. Actually, I've tried Heelys.
I'll fucking break my leg.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I will break my wrist immediately using them. I actually took the wheels out of my Heelys, and now I just walk around with shoes that have a big hole in the Heely.
Yeah, your LSU shoes.

Speaker 4 My LSU shoes. We know.

Speaker 1 It's like a horse coming.

Speaker 4 Oh, speaking of LSU, I feel like we should address a good visual for our guy, Coach O.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Hank Raksha. Coach Ray Baker.

Speaker 4 Coach O has been spotted numerous times by bystanders jogging around the streets of Baton Rouge. No, it's not.

Speaker 1 It's like a Florida vacation town. That's why he keeps getting pictures taken.
I think Baton Rouge, they know.

Speaker 4 They leave him alone. Yeah.
He's down in Florida. He's running the streets.
He's making friends with Ray Baker. He looks great.

Speaker 4 He looks awesome.

Speaker 4 His run is the definition of I'm in motion right now and nothing's going to stop me. I might not be going super fast, but there's not a force in the world that can stop me.

Speaker 1 He's just going mono-y mono versus the sun every single day.

Speaker 4 And he's dominating the sun. Yep.
He's got a nice bronze glow to him.

Speaker 1 Oh, sweat. Yeah, he looks all man.
You had another one?

Speaker 1 Oh, that was it. Okay.
All right. Sank has a skateboard.
Sorry, sorry.

Speaker 4 Firefest. My firefest of the week is that the government is coming for comment sections.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 4 they're starting, they're taking away our First Amendment. The government has said that they are going to be looking at websites as publishers, like Twitter.
Facebook, all that stuff.

Speaker 4 So anything that you post on Facebook could therefore be, it could be used in a lawsuit against Facebook.

Speaker 4 So in the past, Facebook was like, anyone can post whatever dumb shit that we want on our website. It's not ours to be responsible for it because it's the users that are doing it.

Speaker 4 Now, the government is going to make it harder for Twitter, for Facebook to do that stuff. They are coming for our First Amendment.
And they're trying to silence the internet commenters of America.

Speaker 1 What does this mean for me right now?

Speaker 4 It means, well, for you, it means that when you're on Twitch playing as Coach Dougs, you could probably ban some people for chirping at you. You take away their First Amendment in the Twitch ship.

Speaker 4 But I mean, I'm a First Amendment.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 1 I don't do it, but I could.

Speaker 4 So you're draconian. I'm an absolutist in the First Amendment.

Speaker 4 What's the old Patrick Henry saying? I will not. I don't agree with.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. What's the old Patrick Henry saying? What's the Sixth Amendment? I don't agree with that.
It was a sneaky move by you to be like, what's the old Patrick Henry? Oh, I know it.

Speaker 4 I think I even screwed that up because it's not Patrick Henry. I think, oh, he said, give me liberty or give me death.
The old French guy said, I may not agree with your right to post a crying MJ,

Speaker 4 but I'll defend to the death your right to do it. Something along those lines.

Speaker 1 But what does it mean right now?

Speaker 4 It means right now that no one's allowed to talk trash on the internet.

Speaker 1 Oh, that sucks. Yeah.
Go to smoot.com.

Speaker 4 What's the internet for? SmootSmack.com.

Speaker 1 SmootSmack.com's got this figured out. Yeah.
We're going to be fine. Here's an idea.
I had a new segment alert. Ideas that I had that most people probably have already had, but I'm the Stephen A.

Speaker 1 Smith, or Chris Broussard. I'm the first that I've heard

Speaker 1 think of this. That's all you got to say.
The social network 2.

Speaker 1 What about it? Someone should make that. The movie? But, like, yeah, because the first one was just about the rise of Facebook, and it was all good.
The downfall of Facebook.

Speaker 1 This is like the social network 2, the downfall, and how the negative things that have come from Facebook in the past 10 years.

Speaker 4 The Winklevoss is striped back.

Speaker 1 Hmm.

Speaker 1 They should try to buy it back from Zuckerberg.

Speaker 1 I guess that's not hitting.

Speaker 4 No, it's okay. It's good.
I mean, this is now would be the time for MySpace Tom to really amp his game up.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm saying

Speaker 1 theoreticals. I'm just saying it could just be an actual, like, the same way the social network was a true story.
It could be the true story of the last 10 years of Facebook. Hmm.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. It's not bad.

Speaker 1 No, I like it. I wonder if we should wait till Zuckerberg

Speaker 1 probably becomes president and then rips off his face. He's like, I was a robot all along.
Probably wait for that. But I'm in.
Start writing the script now. We'll get to the conclusion soon.

Speaker 4 That's really what's going to happen.

Speaker 4 We have to write the beginning and the end first. So that's the end of the movie.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. My Firefest is.

Speaker 1 I like Outer Banks.

Speaker 1 I told you. I like Outer Banks.
Wait till the end, though. It's such a bad show.

Speaker 1 It's so bad. It's become good.
It reminds me of

Speaker 1 all my favorite action movies with Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme and like Best of the Best.

Speaker 1 like they're just so bad that scene it hooked me literally you'll have to watch it but that was an unintentional pun it hooked me when one of the guys was trying to literally kill another guy with a hook and he caught it with his cast his arm cast and I was like this is Steven Seagal Steven Seagal would dream this up and make this a movie and it would be incredible what kind of hook are we talking about we're talking about a fishing hook yeah no like a big yeah like a grappling hook yeah yeah like a huge hook yeah use what you got turn your wheel and he just fucking

Speaker 1 threw out his cast, and boom. It was a perfect scene.
And we also had the

Speaker 1 dialogue is off the charts. The kid tries to steal from his dad, and

Speaker 1 he tries to steal from his dad a watch. And what was the line he used?

Speaker 1 He was like checking the time. Yeah, checking the time.
His dad caught him. He's like, checking the time.
Oh, while he was like, well, he was in the watch.

Speaker 1 It was a wall safe. And when he shut the safe, the dad is behind it.
He's like checking the time.

Speaker 4 Got it. So are you a kook still?

Speaker 1 No, I think I'm a poe. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I think I am living the plot to Sarah Cameron. I'm not all the way done, so maybe that will turn out to be bad.
But I

Speaker 1 started as a kook, and now I'm a poe.

Speaker 4 Which one's which? Which one is the one that has the boat, and which one is the one that has

Speaker 4 the restraining order?

Speaker 1 The pogues. Okay.

Speaker 4 Although I feel like most people in the Outer Banks that have the restraining order also own a boat. That's like a

Speaker 1 boat. Everyone owns a boat.
It's just how big of a boat. But Yeah, I like it.
And I, I don't know. I mean, I'm sad about myself that I fell for it because.

Speaker 1 Well, here, I think, I'm not going to spoil it. I kind of want to just.
No, don't spoil it. I'm not going to spoil it.

Speaker 1 I think I went through the same progression of you where I was like, I'm watching this begrudgingly, and then I got into it, and then it, it, it. Okay, don't, don't.
Say no more.

Speaker 1 I'm going to finish it this weekend. I'll let you know.

Speaker 4 Is there nudity?

Speaker 1 No. I'm out.

Speaker 4 Oh, for that reason. Is there?

Speaker 1 I'm out. No.
No.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 some hot scenes.

Speaker 1 If you you guys want to watch a really terrible show that's just outwardly terrible, White Lines on Netflix is maybe the. I'm not trying to keep watching terrible shows because this is really

Speaker 1 the core of who I am. I don't know if you guys heard, but I read a book this week, finished it.
No big deal.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to become smarter, but when it comes down to it, I really just need to crawl under a tractor trailer and be like, this is where I'm going to live for the rest of my life, drink the oil dripping down, and just be a bum.

Speaker 4 Well, that's your treat. It's like you're doing something to better your mind and you have to counteract it.

Speaker 4 You're like, if I put my mind through a couple chapters, then I get to watch the kooks fuck around and sink their boat off the Cape of Hatteras.

Speaker 1 But as I read the book, I had to keep pumping myself up being like, do this, man. You got this.
You got this. Finish this book.
While I'm watching Outer Banks, I'm like, oh, man, this feels great.

Speaker 1 Like, my brain is fully off, and it is so bad. And I'm learning nothing.
I'm getting dumber.

Speaker 4 Go back to White Lines. What's White Lines about?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. It's about, yeah, Abiza.

Speaker 1 Abiza? Big parties in Abiza. It's a girl trying to solve her brother's murder from 20 years ago.
They're flashing back and forth between 20 years. It doesn't make any sense.
It's terrible.

Speaker 1 It is actually

Speaker 1 like Outer Banks, it was kind of good. And then I was like, this might be a good show.
And then it's just terrible.

Speaker 4 Is there nudity in that one?

Speaker 1 There is a lot of nudity. Okay, I'm in.
A lot of white lines. A lot of drugs, a lot of DJ scene, but it's objectively.
It's bad. Terrible.
Worse than Outer Banks? Yes.

Speaker 1 But not even redeeming? No.

Speaker 1 No. I'm out.
And the longer because it's not. Because that's the thing, is Outer Banks is as bad as Outer Banks is.
It's comical how bad it is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and there's like some, you know, the love you're somewhat interested in. No, I don't care about those lines.
But this is just bad.

Speaker 1 Who do you want John B to end up with?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Him and Sarah Cameron are just hot. It's a hot couple.
It's a fucking hot couple.

Speaker 4 See, this sucks for me because what's happening right now is there's all these like inside things going on between Hank and Big Cat. And now I have to watch this.
No.

Speaker 1 I have to watch it now. No, because

Speaker 1 to want to. I'm not going to want to talk about it after we're going to be able to do that.

Speaker 1 I never thought the day would come where I was talking about Outer Banks on part of my tape. Yeah, I didn't either.
I watched it like a month ago. I got duped into it.

Speaker 1 I just started watching it, and I can't get out of it.

Speaker 1 All right, let's get to something constructive here. We have Scott Vim Pelton, then we're going to go to Ryan Lochty.
Before we have SVP, what's up, guys?

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Speaker 1 So get out there and make your Irish entrance. Anything else just wouldn't be proper.
Okay, here he is, Scott Van Pelt.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on our very, very good friend, recurring guest. It is Scotty Tuhati.
Scott Van Pelt,

Speaker 1 the man who is still on your television every single night. Tune in, Sports Center.

Speaker 4 He's crushing it.

Speaker 1 And I actually think I'm going to say something nice before we maybe get into an argument here about fictional video game characters.

Speaker 1 I think what you and Steve and your whole staff are doing is incredible because, as guys who also have to do content every day with no sports on, it's not easy, but you guys make it look easy.

Speaker 5 I appreciate that very much, and we're trying our best. And it is especially kind of you to say something nice,

Speaker 5 understanding that in the midst of our content creation on our pod, as I was giving you gigantic props for what you have done with the Coach Doug's phenomenon, I may have

Speaker 5 repeatedly accused you of juicing your players and pumping up their speed numbers.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 5 I may have done that. I absolutely did that.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 let's dig deep here. Where's this from? Where's this jealousy coming from? Because

Speaker 1 I'll show my stats. I'll show my roster tomorrow against South Carolina or today against South Carolina.
I inherited this team. Everyone watched me live

Speaker 1 inherit this team. The first thing that jumped out at the page is I had SEC speed

Speaker 1 on the offensive side of the ball. Really bad defense, but it's coming around.
So what gives, man?

Speaker 5 I think when I watch the Twitch and I see JoJo's speed, I'm like, wow, that guy's really swift. Like, like, maybe, maybe faster than...

Speaker 5 Maybe faster than he was prior to. But we all know that the coach Doug's training regimen, I'm sure that had something to do with it, right?

Speaker 5 We do the off-season training, and typically numbers do improve. So maybe that's part of it.
Yep.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's part of it. That's a fact.

Speaker 5 Or maybe, maybe, Big Cat,

Speaker 5 this is a real moment of truth. Maybe.
Maybe when I, after, and I,

Speaker 5 backstory, after you started doing this, I'm like, who doesn't love 2014? I dusted off the Xbox. I, too, followed your lead, not trying to steal content, just trying to fill time in my bored,

Speaker 5 out of my brain existence. I started playing the game.
I'm the offensive coordinator at

Speaker 5 Nevada. Then I actually got to Texas Tech before you.
We texted about that, which was very funny.

Speaker 1 It's true.

Speaker 5 Long story short, I'm now the coach at Maryland, head coach at Maryland, alma mater, dream job. And when I took over, things were pretty grim.

Speaker 5 And maybe, maybe Big Cat, what I did is I spiced up some of my guys' stats and I thought, you know, maybe Big Cat did this too.

Speaker 1 I'm fully admitting that I was on the juice, like hardcore on the juice.

Speaker 5 And I just assume that you did the same thing. And if you're a man of honor, then on your more widely listened to podcast than ours,

Speaker 5 I will say that maybe I'm just, maybe what I was doing was lashing out. I was projecting because of the shame that I feel in my heart.

Speaker 4 Now, Scott, I want to kind of take your side in this a little bit here because Big Cat just offered to open up the kimono, show the stats of his players prior to playing USC.

Speaker 4 It's interesting to me, and I think you'll agree that he did not make that same offer before going up against Florida and going up against Georgia and the better teams in the SEC.

Speaker 4 He's saying, yeah, you know what?

Speaker 1 USC is actually better than both of us.

Speaker 4 Before we take on Steve,

Speaker 4 I'll open up the rule book here

Speaker 4 and let you guys see what I'm working with. So

Speaker 4 don't let Big Cat talk you out of your paranoia just yet because I like what this is.

Speaker 5 I know I think he probably did it.

Speaker 1 I know I did it. Yeah, you're projecting.

Speaker 1 You're projecting. You feel bad that you're winning national championships at Maryland and you have to juice your players.
I will show you, and they will be the offseason trading.

Speaker 1 I think I showed when we inherited the roster. It was live-streamed.
Everyone saw it.

Speaker 1 You do get boosts during the year. You know that.
You do get boosts during the year when your offensive coordinator gets, you know, you add one, you know, it adds one to everyone's stuff.

Speaker 1 But I have been accused, you aren't the first person. You're basically a Twitter troll, which is another projection.
We could do this. You got a stinky poo-poo or whatever.

Speaker 1 You are stinky poopy stinks.

Speaker 1 We could lay you on the couch right now.

Speaker 1 We could lay you on the couch and dig deep into your brain.

Speaker 1 Listen,

Speaker 5 I fully cop to the fact that it is horrifying that I know the names of people on your team. I know Pua, I know Chocho, and I know Rico Burgerton for fuck's sake.

Speaker 5 Yes, I know the names of these people, but I also, when I see you run one of the four plays that you run, oh, stop.

Speaker 1 You are poopy stinks. You're poopy stinks.
I am poopy stinks. I do like this side of Scott, though.
When I see you, It's refreshing, Scott.

Speaker 5 When's the last time one of you guys got caught?

Speaker 5 That doesn't happen very often.

Speaker 1 Actually,

Speaker 1 Pua Stubbs got caught. Pua Stubbs got caught.
Listen, I'll show it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll show it.

Speaker 1 I'll show it. I have no problem showing it.
I showed it when

Speaker 1 we inherited the roster. SE Speed all over the field.
It's incredible. I got to win the natty right now.
But yeah,

Speaker 1 I think you're projecting a little bit. I think that that deep down,

Speaker 1 you're sad. A lot of people are also saying that Big Cat tapes these ahead of time and then he plays, and then if he loses, then he doesn't air that one and he'll go back and get a win.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 PFT,

Speaker 5 I don't want to go back to that really gross episode at Oklahoma State where they uploaded the wrong season.

Speaker 1 Oh, it got too high. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I remember that.
Like, maybe

Speaker 5 you took an Oedible and, you know, whatever. So, I mean, like, whatever is happening, you know, I guess what I'm saying here is when we know that there have been some episodes of maybe

Speaker 5 things like that have gone on, that would it be beyond the realm to consider?

Speaker 5 That maybe as you're sitting there thinking, huh, I'm going to play some SEC teams, maybe I just bump up the speed a little and then you see it move into the green and you're like, well, if I'm going to make him a 92 speed, why don't I make him a 95 speed?

Speaker 5 To hell with it.

Speaker 1 That's sad. That's sad.
And people have accused me of this, and they've said, oh, you have 99 roster guys all over the place. Again, I don't.

Speaker 1 And Caleb Presley might be there now because he's so fucking good, and he keeps getting boosted because he's got Heisman going. But I, you know, I just like to enjoy playing video games.

Speaker 1 I think people like to enjoy watching. I think what's happening is that I have finally, after like 60 games, gotten somewhat adequate at this game.
And you and Poopy Stinks.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're better.
You and Poopy Stinks and the like can't handle that. And, you know, the haters always come come out when you have success.

Speaker 5 I'm not going to act like I don't have a few plays that I go to play. I just feel like

Speaker 5 you run the wheel route, you know, you lean on the wheel route.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it's a you know, push comes.

Speaker 5 But you know what? Who's not going to run the play that works when I need a play that works?

Speaker 5 I understand that.

Speaker 1 And I have like five plays that work. If you said four, it's more like five.

Speaker 4 Is there a possibility to set up an exhibition game of Coach Dougs' Tennessee team against Scott Van Pelt's Maryland team?

Speaker 1 I think the possibility of the

Speaker 5 Steve was trying to broker. That's what what Steve was trying to broker.
He's asking, do I know how to get on the internet

Speaker 5 on the Xbox? And I said,

Speaker 5 I don't know.

Speaker 5 I mean, like, I've said a thousand times, I'm like your grandpa trying to figure out how to record someone a VCR, which the people listen to your show don't even know what the hell I'm talking about.

Speaker 5 But

Speaker 5 my technological

Speaker 5 acumen is very, very poor other than my ability to juice my team. So I'd be happy to try to sort something out.

Speaker 5 We do it for charity.

Speaker 1 See,

Speaker 1 the problem is, Scott, I value our friendship, and I think that if we played each other, there would be rage quitting. There would be things that were said that we can never take back.

Speaker 1 It would basically be like

Speaker 1 you, Ryan, and Stanford Steve's all-time segment on your old radio show, Who's the Jerk? I don't know if we'd recover from it, which everyone knows that's what broke up the SVP and Rosillo show.

Speaker 5 The one where Steve asked Ryan, who hates you more, men or women?

Speaker 1 And the one

Speaker 1 is still the best, but

Speaker 1 the fact that Steve, and this is going to be a ricochet shot because he's going to get mad that I'm bringing this back up, was outed as a litterer

Speaker 1 was bat. Yeah, he's well,

Speaker 1 the question was, do you litter?

Speaker 5 So I think really what that that was more that was more an accusation. It's like calling, you know, it's more like just saying you litter.

Speaker 5 I just outright came out and said, you boost your guy's speed, and I am guilty of it.

Speaker 5 So you're probably right, because if I, because if like the horror of being behind multiple scores and people giving me Fs that are like 13-year-old kids in a chat room, like I would not handle any of that well.

Speaker 1 Oh, I don't. And then

Speaker 5 I'd say, I'd say hateful things, and then I'd end up saying to you what you said to Poopy Stinks the other night, which I just can't, I don't, I don't want that to happen.

Speaker 1 I mean, I

Speaker 5 there's two, we have, we have years of equity that's been built up, and I'm afraid it could be wiped away like one giant wave on the beach.

Speaker 4 It's true. Scott, it's for charity.
If it's for charity, no one can say you're a jerk. Because even as you're being a jerk, you're actually doing something for the greater good.
We'll try.

Speaker 1 We'll try.

Speaker 5 I think something should happen.

Speaker 5 And listen, I should have to

Speaker 5 own it, wear it, whatever the sayings of the day are. I should have to deal with all that that comes with

Speaker 5 the accusations. And then I'd also

Speaker 5 I'd have to more accurately bump my players back down from some of the guys I've got.

Speaker 1 Right. Because

Speaker 5 we've got some guys that are really like Sosa Maguire home run chase juice working right now.

Speaker 1 You have a recruit, a recruit, mind you, a high school player, a recruit named Steve Coughlin, who's a 96 coming out of high school. How'd you get that immediate?

Speaker 5 Well, but he was, I made him,

Speaker 5 I made him a college park guy. I put him in college park.
Somehow we got him.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 this is how sad my life is. I redshirted him because the guy that I juiced up that's my quarterback's so good.
And now I'm afraid when the year ends that he's going to leave.

Speaker 5 The guy that, like, I can't believe the things I'm saying out loud are where my life currently is.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 Like, I have little kids, and this is, and when I go home at night, like, I can't wait. I have a national championship game with Auburn.

Speaker 5 I'll sit there tonight in the dark, and it's like, it's all I'm thinking about right now. Like, I can't wait to go home and play.

Speaker 4 What's the name of your coach?

Speaker 5 It's Houston Nutt. I brought Houston Nutt back to glory as an offensive coordinator.

Speaker 5 Wanted to get him back in the game.

Speaker 1 And now

Speaker 5 Houston Nutt's down there just, you know, just doing it in College Park. I love it.
A little nut butter in College Park. How about it? That's

Speaker 1 going. That's incredible.
So

Speaker 1 listen, we'll try to do it. I do love your texts.
I get texts at like three in the morning. Scott's like,

Speaker 1 because it's me, Stanford, Stephen Scott, he's like, just lost a heartbreaker to Ohio State. It's three in the morning, and he lost a heartbreaker to Ohio State.
It's really bad.

Speaker 5 It's really bad. Yeah, that's true.
But like,

Speaker 5 and again, so we're clear.

Speaker 5 What you guys have done is a phenomenon, and I have supported it. I have openly been, you know, fanning the flames and saying, oh, this is great.

Speaker 5 And then on my own podcast, I did say that you cheated.

Speaker 1 Then you went after me. So that's what happened.
All right. Real question.

Speaker 1 I actually saw you. You fell back on your ways.
You started fighting with Twitter trolls today, but

Speaker 1 I thought it was actually warranted because you had a one big thing last night or two nights ago on Sports Center about the players and the MLBPA and the owners.

Speaker 1 What made everyone so mad? And do you think that people have switched a little to being more pro-player? Because I do. I think a lot of people aren't buying the owners' bullshit this time.

Speaker 5 I think they're more pro-player, but the problem is, and I said this in the body of the one big thing, is that nothing that I say,

Speaker 5 I can't counter the fact that tens of millions of Americans have lost their jobs as a result of this. So I don't expect you to have pity for the players.

Speaker 5 This isn't about pity, but it's still about right and wrong.

Speaker 5 And if we have a contract and the contract has been collectively bargained, and the tens of millions of dollars that I got, if I'm Trout or Cole or whomever, like that, I earned that.

Speaker 5 It's collectively bargained. I got to be a free agent.
I'm great. I get $35 million.

Speaker 5 All right, well, I already gave you half of it back, and now I'm going to go honor my contract, and you want me to take half less again. Well, that's bullshit.

Speaker 5 And saying that that's bullshit,

Speaker 5 if your answer to me is, oh, I don't have any pity because this,

Speaker 5 we know that's a horrible thing. No one's saying it's great that this situation has happened.

Speaker 5 Two things can be true at the same time. I know people have a lot of difficulty with that.

Speaker 5 So my point is simply, if we have a contract, it's been collectively bargained, you agreed to it, I agree to give you half back. You can't come to me and say I'm giving you

Speaker 5 half of that back when I'm just going to go out and play the number of games we agreed to. It just doesn't make any sense.
So I'm on the player's side there. And then, you know, it's some people,

Speaker 5 I think a lot of people get it. And I think a lot of people feel that way.
I mean, it's the old millionaires versus billionaires, and no one's supposed to feel sorry for anyone.

Speaker 5 But if we're going to go do the work we agreed to, then you should give us the money that you agreed to in March.

Speaker 1 I I agree. I don't think it's complicated.

Speaker 4 To me, it's pretty simple.

Speaker 4 And that's if you buy a major league baseball team, a lot of these owners, when they buy it, they take out business loans because they understand that, in theory, owning a major league baseball team is a can't-lose proposition.

Speaker 4 But that's not how business works. If you're the owner of a team, part of that is accepting all the risk that comes along with owning that business.

Speaker 4 So if something happens, if something bad happens, just like any other small business in America, if something bad happens and you're forced into a situation where you're not making as much money as you thought you were going to make, the risk falls on your shoulders as the owner of that franchise or the owner of that business.

Speaker 4 It does not fall on the shoulders of the people with whom you've entered a collective bargaining agreement and already gone back to the table and renegotiated once.

Speaker 4 I think that that should be something that's pretty clear to get across to people.

Speaker 4 But if you distill it down to like the question of, should you feel sorry for Garrett Cole, who's making, what, $8 million a year as opposed to $35 million a year?

Speaker 4 Then that's a totally different question, but that's not what we're talking about here.

Speaker 5 I never said I feel sorry for anybody. I'm just saying that in this ridiculous conversation where both sides are going to posture, I'm saying that

Speaker 5 I would support the side of the players simply because of everything you just explained.

Speaker 5 And look, most of these owners print money on a yearly basis, whether they're good or bad, or whether they try to field a team that's successful or not. And this is, you know,

Speaker 5 an unprecedented situation in our life that's cost, as we've said, all these people their jobs, and it's going to cost owners a ton of money, and it's already costing players a great deal as well that they were supposed to get.

Speaker 5 But if they're the ones that are going to go out there and put themselves, you know, theoretically at more risk because they're around these people and they're out there playing the games that are generating at least the television portion of the revenue, then they're supposed to get what they agreed to.

Speaker 1 Like, again,

Speaker 5 where's the disconnect for that?

Speaker 1 It's also

Speaker 1 the thing I've been saying to the people, because I got in a little debate, I would say debate online about this as well, is you see it now in prototype.

Speaker 5 So I'm going to fight. I fought it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you fought. I debated.

Speaker 1 You juiced your players.

Speaker 1 I just coached them up.

Speaker 4 Big Cat uses logic and reason to destroy his opponents.

Speaker 1 You rely on emotional.

Speaker 1 You see it now in sports. Dak Prescott's a perfect example right now.

Speaker 1 He is going to negotiate a contract that does not go five years because he knows the rights are up in four, and he wants to get a piece of that pie.

Speaker 1 You saw it with the NBA when the NBA basically got all that new money, and they had to just spend it on anyone.

Speaker 1 If the roles were reversed here and the owners found some new revenue stream that was just knocking it out of the park, no pun intended, do you think they'd go back to the players and be like, hey, guys, we want to make sure that you get a little more money right now and rip up this CBA midterm?

Speaker 1 No, of course not. So this is the other side.
Of course not. Yeah, this is the other side.
Of course, the downside. So, right.

Speaker 5 And I mean, again,

Speaker 5 at no point did I say I feel badly for, I don't.

Speaker 5 They are still getting millions to play a kid's game. All true.
But once again, these things were agreed to.

Speaker 5 Everybody entered these contracts, understanding that there are some uncertainties that might present themselves. Nobody saw this coming.
So that's, you know, that's where we are.

Speaker 5 I think

Speaker 5 Scherzer's little nugget there at the end of his tweet on whatever, Wednesday night, where he's like, if all the documents were seen by, you know, if they came to light or what I'm paraphrasing, that this would be a different deal.

Speaker 5 So, I mean, they're obviously letting you know, like, hey, look, we know that you guys are either you're hiding some portion of revenue or it's not as bad as you're making it out to seem.

Speaker 5 And, you know, we're not going to eat a quarter less again or half less again so that you guys can have this sort of close to a bottom line that you were ready for or hoping for.

Speaker 5 So, I mean, look, everything sucks. I'm yelling at Big Cat about juicing his players.
You know, I mean, this is

Speaker 5 Sanford Steve's is it's 2027 in Sanford Steve's life. He's played hundreds of games.

Speaker 5 And people are mad at me on Twitter about baseball players that aren't going to get their money. And that sucks because everything sucks.

Speaker 1 Everything sucks. It does.

Speaker 4 It does. Do you think that it's a possibility? Because this is where I have a hard time with anybody that's taking the owner's side in this.

Speaker 4 If the players choose to go ahead and say, yeah, we will take your demand this season to do essentially a soft salary cap for this one year, do you think that there's any possibility that the owners don't use that as future leverage in the next negotiation?

Speaker 4 Because I think that they're going to take whatever they can get, and any sacrifice that the players make, that's going to come back to bite them in the ass for future generations of Major League Baseball players.

Speaker 5 Precisely. Because listen,

Speaker 5 and anybody that has dealt with any contract,

Speaker 5 your goal is to get,

Speaker 5 no one wants to grow by fractional percents. They want to take these massive

Speaker 5 doubling and tripling and whatever else. And that doesn't happen in many places, but it can in baseball.
And so the players have taken advantage of that.

Speaker 5 And now if this gives you an opportunity to claim back real estate, you're exactly right.

Speaker 5 They're not going to surrender it. They're going to fight over it again as if.

Speaker 5 It wasn't like you just gave us back that then. Now you gave it back to us.
It's like a little kid with a toy.

Speaker 5 Once your brother takes that thing back,

Speaker 5 I have it now. Well, now that was my truck.
Well, now, fuck you. I have it now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's tough.

Speaker 5 Again, once again,

Speaker 5 I'm taking you back inside what goes on at the Vampelt house during the daytime when my little guy Charlie's buck naked, which is a whole other story. He's pretty much kind of a lifestyle guys.

Speaker 5 He's into it. Sure.

Speaker 1 Never nude. Oh, no, the opposite.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 He used to not just wear a shirt, but now he's taking it to deciding pants aren't going to work either.

Speaker 5 I don't know you know what I'm talking about, except I'm talking about naked kids fighting over trucks and how that has to do with owners, but the premise is the same.

Speaker 5 Once somebody else has it, then they have it, and they're not just giving it back to you unless you fight for it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 4 It's not about even these players, like players 10 years from now, are going to have to deal with the ramifications of what the players do right now.

Speaker 5 But I think,

Speaker 5 I really do believe, and Jeff Patterson said this repeatedly when he's been a guest on the show, if you don't play,

Speaker 5 if in the midst of this, and this is the most normal thing, by the way, that we have right now. The most normal thing we have is that the owners and the players are fighting about money.

Speaker 5 But

Speaker 5 if they stare each other down and nobody blinks, and then they just, the whole season dissolves dissolves in the midst of this and then by the time the fall comes back if we hope things start happening and you've got mayhem with all these different events that weren't supposed to be happening uh that like whether it's the derby or the masters or all and football and the nba and the stanley cup if all that stuff's happening it like people are just going to say to baseball hey man no one cares right we we had nothing you guys could have filled the void you didn't because you fought about money now we've got all this other stuff have fun being over there and us not caring about it Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it'll be tough. It'll be tough.
I had one more question about something that I saw last weekend.

Speaker 4 It was right after the match was over between Tiger and Phil, and it was the Tiger Slam documentary that came out on the Golf Channel.

Speaker 4 Were you surprised at how many people tweeted at you and were like, hey, Scott, you used to have hair?

Speaker 5 No,

Speaker 5 it's a common... tweet that I get anytime anything of the old days with me with hair surfaces and I'm always baffled by the premise of that tweet as if this is how I've looked my entire existence.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 5 there's little cat, there's little cat pictures, there's little PFC pictures, like little elementary school, fourth grade, wherever, just looking like you know, didn't have the long hair or whatever, didn't have the mustache or whatever.

Speaker 1 I was always this height.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 5 you were born that way, yeah.

Speaker 4 Just came out of the wound five, nine and a half.

Speaker 5 That must have been a hell of a labor.

Speaker 1 My mom is she's a tough lady,

Speaker 1 yeah. it does a warrior, understood.

Speaker 5 But no, it's it's always the same thing. It's holy shit.
Van Pellet used to have hair. And I'm like, Yep, I actually did.
And there was a time when it was rather luxurious.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Like some would even say, like, like, you know, borderline hot. Maybe not borderline.
Maybe like just full hot.

Speaker 1 But, you know, things have changed.

Speaker 5 Do you ever

Speaker 1 do you ever dream and in the dream you have hair?

Speaker 5 I don't I can't remember.

Speaker 5 I don't isn't dreaming like like when you're in the video game, like you know in the video game when they show like those incredible vistas, but really when you play the game, you don't see them because you see them through the eyes of the person

Speaker 5 that's in the game. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
Like in the dream, you don't see yourself because you're looking through your own eyes. Yeah, but maybe you

Speaker 1 maybe you caught yourself in the rearview mirror and you're Porsche, you know, going down the one-on-one.

Speaker 5 No, I don't think that that's never. I typically, if I'm in a car, I typically don't look up and to the right because if I do, I could see Peter North.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 that's true. Good point.
It's sort of an old, an old, an old wound. I I have a feeling you don't dream.
Is that what you're saying? You don't have dreams?

Speaker 5 No, no. I think I have dreams, but I don't seem, I don't, I don't know if, big cat, I don't know if I have hair in my dreams.

Speaker 1 That's, that's the easiest answer I have. I'm really just like trying to psychoanalyze you right now.
Will there be a teeth ever falling out in a dream? Oh, that's an easy.

Speaker 4 Yeah, all the time. That's like a very common one.

Speaker 1 That means that you're

Speaker 1 yeah, that means that you can't get a boner.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've heard that other people have it.

Speaker 4 Hank has that dream all the time.

Speaker 1 What about?

Speaker 5 Scott is really taking a left from my accusations of you cheating on a video game to infertility.

Speaker 4 You know, if you're a sick rumor to start, though, Scott.

Speaker 1 That's a whole other deal. Yeah,

Speaker 4 if the rumor got out there that you were like John Clayton and that you had a ponytail that just came right out of the base of the back of your head, that would be a cool rumor about you.

Speaker 5 If I did, I'd whip it around at the end of every show. That would be my sign-off, just to let everybody know.

Speaker 5 You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 Like we'd get to the end, and i would carol brunette way a hundred years ago kids you don't even know who she is she used to touch her ear i think that was her thing i i could just get to the end and i'd whip it around like i was in like uh i don't know a great ska band yeah do you ever feel bad that you made stanford steve shave his head because you didn't want to be the only bald guy now he was he like you guys neither one of you are gonna have to deal with this but he was just on the same sort of he was on the same uh flight plan as me you know i was his ultimate final destination so he just said all right the hell with it it's like when you're in a sorority with somebody and they all link up on their cycle.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you guys just made sure. And you got Rosillo in it, too, and he used to have hair.
And now he's, you know.

Speaker 4 Well, he's still hanging out. Is baldness contagious?

Speaker 4 If you shake

Speaker 4 Scott Van Pelt's hand, you lose your hair.

Speaker 5 Did you just compare me and Stanford Steve to girls in a sorority that have the same cycle?

Speaker 4 Yeah, you guys are linking up on your hair cycle.

Speaker 5 That's what happened.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Man, that's exactly what happened.

Speaker 5 I should have just ignored this technique.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 5 I was ready to take ownership of some things, but not everything.

Speaker 1 You knew this was coming because I saw too many tweets about it. I haven't had a chance to listen yet, but

Speaker 1 I will go listen to SVP. Yes, I will.
I'm going to listen to it on the way home tonight.

Speaker 1 We do have to now, people are going to badger us till we play a game against each other. So we'll figure out, I don't know how, whatever.
We'll do it eventually. We'll do something.

Speaker 5 Yeah, whatever. We'll play.
Somebody can film it, and then I can tell people what happened.

Speaker 1 You also

Speaker 1 have all the film on me. So that's an issue as well.
Like, as soon as I do the roll.

Speaker 5 I'm not going to do any option, and there's that one roll to the right and throw it to the back out of the back.

Speaker 1 We're just going to, we're going to,

Speaker 5 we've seen that play on tape quite a bit.

Speaker 1 I might not score. We're good there.
I might not score. All right.
Well, Scott, thank you as always. I appreciate it, even though you did accuse me of cheating.

Speaker 1 It's called coaching. Try it sometime.
Maybe stop taking shortcuts with your team. And good luck tonight against Auburn in the national title, right?

Speaker 5 yep yep we're uh we're excited about that i'll make sure to let you know how that goes and again uh my guys are uh are absolutely juiced just just new my guys are nuclear toxic juice juice bar guys that's what they are but we're gonna uh we're gonna try to win the natty and bring it back to college park let's go to bentley all right love it all right talk to you later man

Speaker 4 see you scott

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Speaker 1 And now for something completely different.

Speaker 8 Okay, we now welcome on recurring guest, ryan lochte ryan thank you for joining us as always uh good to talk to you so you're in gainesville right now what's going on in ryan lochte's life i feel like we haven't heard from you for a little bit so we need to get an update what's going on are you still swimming at all what's on the horizon yes yes uh well my biggest goal is definitely making my fifth olympics so um I was hoping it was going to be this summer, but of course, all this craziness, uh it got pushed back a year but that is still my goal so I'm still training and just another year of training so that's basically what I'm doing and just being a dad and a husband yeah were you bummed out that it got postponed or do you see that extra year as like hey this is another year for me to to get in better shape well in the beginning when I first found out about it on the news.

Speaker 8 I mean, I was a little disappointed.

Speaker 8 I mean, I was training so hard. I was ready.
I was doing things in practice that I've never seen before. I was going faster.
So I was like,

Speaker 8 this was my time. Like, I knew it.
I was ready.

Speaker 8 And then we found out and I was just bummed.

Speaker 8 But then I had to look at the positive side. And I mean, I get another year of training to get stronger, to work on my technique even more, to tune up some things.
So

Speaker 1 hopefully it will be better for me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you training right now? Are you able to train right now?

Speaker 8 Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. So we yeah, we have a pool,

Speaker 8 which is amazing because a lot of people in the country and world, they don't have a pool right now. So

Speaker 8 and doing the workouts in my garage and everything. So I'm still

Speaker 8 doing everything I can to stay fit and

Speaker 8 just. waiting until

Speaker 8 all this is over. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I've always loved stories about Olympic swimmers' diets. What diet are you eating right now? Like, what's your craziest cheat day?

Speaker 8 Every Friday.

Speaker 8 Every Friday since I was a little kid, I have pizza and wings.

Speaker 4 Nice.

Speaker 8 Yeah, so that is definitely my cheat day.

Speaker 1 Okay. What is, wait, is Phelps officially retired? Have you talked to him at all?

Speaker 8 Yeah, he's officially retired.

Speaker 8 But

Speaker 8 there is no button.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 8 I mean, that's all I got. That's all I know.

Speaker 8 That he's retired and he's like loving life, just being a dad and everything.

Speaker 1 So no but on that. Okay.

Speaker 4 We had a fun interview with last time you came in. That was what, like, two years ago? Yeah.
I think something like two years ago.

Speaker 4 But we didn't get to ask you the question that I had circled in my notebook that I wanted to ask you.

Speaker 1 So I have to bring it up now.

Speaker 4 Your dog, very good boy. It was Carter, right? That was the name of your pup.
Your dog turned eight years old for three consecutive years on Twitter. Three years in a row.

Speaker 4 Three years in a row on October 23rd, you wished Carter a happy eighth birthday.

Speaker 4 Do you want to clarify that? Like, is it a magic dog that doesn't age?

Speaker 8 That was my fault.

Speaker 1 It wasn't Carter's fault.

Speaker 8 No, he was born in October 23rd, 2008.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 8 Okay. And

Speaker 8 he passed away about,

Speaker 1 I'd say,

Speaker 8 about four or five months ago.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Fuck. Yeah.

Speaker 4 We'll celebrate his eighth birthday again this October 23rd in his honor.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Keep the memory going.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Yes.

Speaker 1 Our intern is probably the biggest fan, Ryan Lochte fan in the world. And we asked him to send us some questions.
So can we fire off some questions from our intern, Billy Football? You got it.

Speaker 1 His first question was, how far can you swim swim underwater? And he threw in, I can swim 50 yards and I passed out. I was trying to be a Navy SEAL.

Speaker 8 100 yards.

Speaker 1 You can? Yeah. Not 110?

Speaker 8 I was pushing it.

Speaker 1 Okay. Pushing it.
Yes. That's insane.

Speaker 4 When was the last time you did that?

Speaker 8 A long time ago when

Speaker 4 I was younger.

Speaker 1 How long can you stay underwater if you're not moving?

Speaker 8 I don't know, maybe around five minutes.

Speaker 1 Holy shit.

Speaker 4 You're like a dolphin.

Speaker 1 Holy shit. You're halfway.

Speaker 4 Billy wanted to know, what's your favorite type of pool solution? Chlorinated, salted?

Speaker 8 Chlorinated.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
So

Speaker 1 cross-off salt. He also noticed he didn't put brackish in there.

Speaker 4 That's true. He didn't.
Brackish water sucks.

Speaker 4 He says, do you think chlorine does brain damage? I know your hair has turned green from chlorine before. Have you thought about what it does to your brain?

Speaker 4 I don't think that Billy knows that you don't swim with your brain exposed to water.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 8 I mean, as a swimmer, you do swallow chlorine water, but I don't think it affects your brain at all.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 He asked, what do you listen to while swimming?

Speaker 1 Nothing. Okay.

Speaker 1 He said before swimming. No, no, no.
I made him look stupid. He said before swimming, but I made him look stupid.
What do you listen to before swimming?

Speaker 8 Before swimming, any kind of hip-hop. I love hip-hop.
My favorite artist is Lil Wayne.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay.

Speaker 4 What are your dry land workouts? I saw you drag a tire with chains once.

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 8 So that was back in the day. I was doing like strongman workouts, you know, just something different.
But right now, it's just a lot of Olympic lifting and a lot of core.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 This one's a little tough,

Speaker 1 but I'm going to ask it. He wants to know, would you have sex with a mermaid for an Olympian child for America, of course?

Speaker 8 Yeah, if the mermaid was my wife, I'd love to.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's just say, let's say your wife says, hey, Ryan, I know you have to have sex with this mermaid so that we can win every gold medal ever. Would you do it?

Speaker 8 I think she'd be inclined to take one for the team.

Speaker 1 Okay, all right. So, yes, that's a yes if we can ever find a mermaid.

Speaker 4 All right, here's another tricky one. Billy wants to know about the Olympic Village.

Speaker 4 There's always a news story that comes out where they say, like, oh, there are 50,000 condoms that got delivered to the Olympic Village. Billy says,

Speaker 4 Would you trust those condoms? Or do you think that they are defective on purpose so that they can create more Olympians?

Speaker 1 Ooh, stay woke. Ooh, wow.

Speaker 8 Now that you brought it up,

Speaker 8 I don't even know.

Speaker 8 I think I'd have to go, they're safe.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 8 Because they're just trying to be safe for every, make everything possible, like just safe environment. So, safe.

Speaker 1 All right. So, this one is actually my question, but it's kind of in the Billy vein.

Speaker 1 You know, in all the swimming teams you've been on, Florida, you know, the Olympics, how many people have you swam with that had webbed webbed toes? I don't think any.

Speaker 1 That seems like it would be illegal.

Speaker 4 I've got one web toe. You do? My middle two toes on my right foot are halfway webbed.

Speaker 1 They don't go all the way to the end. I'm talking

Speaker 1 about the frog. I mean, I'll show you.

Speaker 1 I'll show you.

Speaker 1 It's kind of freaky. All right, hold on.
Let's see.

Speaker 4 See these right here?

Speaker 1 These two. Wait, no, turn it towards me.
These two. No, dude, that's a regular-looking toe.

Speaker 4 I got roasted online for my feet.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's a little webbed angle. But it's not webbed to the point where you connect it and you can.

Speaker 1 You should become a swimmer i should i should i should try to swim okay um this one is from our other intern jake uh he said i'm not billy but would be cool to get his thoughts stories from being on florida campus in 2007 with tebo hernandez pouncies noah uh joe uh alf horford cam newton and dan bilzarian um i knew all of them really damn brazilian yeah yeah he probably wasn't there he probably lied about that too so wait did you hang out with all of them

Speaker 8 No, not really, because, I mean, the swimmers,

Speaker 8 we were just like, all the swimmers were really close, and we kind of just hung out with the other swimmers.

Speaker 8 But yeah, I mean, you'd see them around in campus

Speaker 8 and you just say, hey, what's up?

Speaker 8 Yeah, everyone's really nice.

Speaker 1 Would you ever be like, it's so sweet how you guys can do literally anything, even including like against the law things, and then Urban Meyer will save you?

Speaker 8 I I see. I don't know that.

Speaker 1 Okay, all right. Yeah, that's a good question, though, by me.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah. Did you ever see Tim Tebow staying the night over at a girl's house?

Speaker 1 No. Oh,

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 We have a fun game that we wanted to play with you. It's called, wait, how do you say, how do you say it?

Speaker 4 Are we still saying Jia?

Speaker 1 Ja? No,

Speaker 8 all that stuff was a long time ago.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck. I like it.
Well, the game was Ja or Noja, so I guess Ja is Noja?

Speaker 8 It's No Jia. Jia.
And you're saying it wrong.

Speaker 4 It's Gia.

Speaker 1 Gia. So

Speaker 4 Gia is no gia. We're not.

Speaker 8 No, no Gia, but if you want to play the game, we can play it.

Speaker 1 Okay. You want to play the game?

Speaker 4 Yeah, let's try to game. All right, we're just going to say some stuff to you.
Just list some things. You tell me if it's a Gia or No Gia.

Speaker 4 Yep. Doing chores.
No, Gia.

Speaker 1 Moving.

Speaker 8 No, Gia. It's also a chore.

Speaker 1 I was trying to do that.

Speaker 4 Here's with the boys. Gia.

Speaker 1 Call of Duty.

Speaker 4 Gia.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 Mumford and Sons.

Speaker 4 No gia.

Speaker 1 No jia. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 4 Sublime.

Speaker 8 Sublime? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Chia. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a half jet.

Speaker 4 It's a jit.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Snorkeling.

Speaker 4 Gia.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Family guy. Gia.
Yeah, that was a solid chia.

Speaker 1 Hamburgers.

Speaker 1 Gia. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 4 Pizza and Buffalo Winks. Gia, chia, gia, chia, gia, chia, gia, chia.

Speaker 1 I think that's it. That's it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's

Speaker 4 the final boss.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. So, all right, so I have,

Speaker 1 so when you're training,

Speaker 1 what's the most you've swam in a day?

Speaker 8 Ooh, the most I swam in a day was probably about 14,000 meters, which is.

Speaker 8 So,

Speaker 8 well, 1,500 is one mile.

Speaker 4 So, almost

Speaker 1 12, oh, no, that's 10 miles.

Speaker 4 Nine miles.

Speaker 8 6 miles?

Speaker 1 Wait, 14, how? 16 and a half? 14, 6 and a half? 10,000 meters or 100? Wait. How many meters?

Speaker 8 14,000.

Speaker 1 14,000 meters equals miles.

Speaker 4 That feels about right.

Speaker 1 I feel like it's somewhere 0.6 miles. Damn.
8.

Speaker 1 Holy shit. And were you tired?

Speaker 8 Oh, 100%.

Speaker 1 Okay. All right.
So you are human.

Speaker 1 What mile marker were you tired? Were you you tired after seven?

Speaker 8 I'd probably say around, no, no, like probably around five or six.

Speaker 1 Okay, Jesus. You just kept going.

Speaker 4 That's insane.

Speaker 8 I just kept going. I said, screw it.

Speaker 4 Are you ever bored when you're swimming?

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 1 Really? No. What do you think about? Yeah.

Speaker 8 I mean, I don't really think about much while I'm swimming,

Speaker 8 but I love racing, and that's why I'm still swimming now. So you can race all the time in practice.

Speaker 8 You race the other guys, and then you can talk shit to them afterwards if you beat them or anything like that.

Speaker 1 What about, have you ever thought about doing high diving in the Olympics?

Speaker 8 No way.

Speaker 1 Why? No.

Speaker 8 I just, nope.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 I mean, I'm not afraid of heights.

Speaker 1 Sounds like you are.

Speaker 8 No, it's just, I mean, I can jump off the high dive. That's about it.
I ain't doing no flips or anything.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 I've always wondered, you know that little shower that they let the divers hang out in in between dives? They just kind of go stand underwater for a while.

Speaker 1 Why do they do that?

Speaker 4 Why do they have to go stand in a faucet?

Speaker 1 I don't even know. Yeah, and then the hot tubs.
They have the little hot tubs.

Speaker 8 Yeah, they have hot tubs. Maybe it's

Speaker 8 to keep warm.

Speaker 1 I have no idea.

Speaker 1 Have you ever thought about playing water polo?

Speaker 1 The pool is cold. Yeah.
Have you ever thought about playing water polo?

Speaker 8 I played for just like an inamural, like just for like shits and giggles.

Speaker 1 And were you good?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 8 I was good at like when you start swimming out to the ball.

Speaker 1 I can do that.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 4 At the start. Everything else.
Not so good.

Speaker 4 What about handball? Have you ever played handball?

Speaker 1 Nope. Never played.
All right. Well, you can play on our team if you want.

Speaker 4 We're putting together an Olympic team for you.

Speaker 1 Ooh, all right, all right. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah, that's a big GI.

Speaker 1 Big Gia. Huge Gia.

Speaker 4 Is there like one endurance sport that you would be shockingly bad at?

Speaker 8 Running.

Speaker 4 Really? Yeah. You're not fast?

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 1 Okay. What are you? I'm not.

Speaker 8 Yeah, no, no running. No, I have bad knees that I wouldn't make it past the mile.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 All right. Do you have any questions for us?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was a fucked-up question by me. That was kind of.
That was a curveball in this interview.

Speaker 8 What are you guys up to now during this whole craziness?

Speaker 4 We're hanging out. She's hanging out.
Interviewing Ryan Lochte.

Speaker 1 Hanging out. Yeah.
I'm playing video games.

Speaker 1 I whooped up on Florida

Speaker 1 on Sunday night. No big deal.
Oh, yeah?

Speaker 1 NCAA 14.

Speaker 1 14. Yeah.
That's the last time they made the game. So I whooped up on you guys.
No big deal.

Speaker 8 Yeah. I just play Call of Duty.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? You should link up with Claudia. Yo, you should squat up with Hank.
You want to play on our channel?

Speaker 8 I mean, if my kids give me time, I would.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.
We should do that Hank's basically

Speaker 8 he turns three in about

Speaker 4 two weeks. Okay.

Speaker 1 Are you not you sure that's his birthday, not the Carteran? Yeah. Okay.
Yes. All right.

Speaker 4 We should definitely get you to play UFC against Billy.

Speaker 1 Yes. I mean, he's your biggest fan, so that would be awesome.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
All right.

Speaker 1 Let's squat up. Well, Ryan, thank you so much, man.

Speaker 1 You're always welcome on. We appreciate you joining us.

Speaker 1 Thank you for having me. Yeah, let's squat up, play some video games.
Hey, you got it. All right.
Love it, man. All right.
Have a good one. Good luck with everything, man.
All right.

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Speaker 1 Okay, let's finish up with a Mount Flushmore and some FAQs. So Mount Flushmore

Speaker 1 of car accessories is going to be today's Mount Flushmore. Mount Flushmore of car accessories.
The car stick is not eligible because we know it would be on the Mount Rushmore of car accessories.

Speaker 4 In fact, you could say that the Center console knockoff car stick that prevents you from losing something is on the Flushmore.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 What's up, Hank? You're giving me a look.

Speaker 4 It's pensive.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not sure. I'm starting.
You have the second pick. You have the second pick.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I will start with

Speaker 1 truck nuts.

Speaker 1 Truck nuts are the Mount Flushmore of car accessories.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 1 You see a dude with truck nuts, he is 100% a douchebag. Unless he's in

Speaker 1 Real Brosimi Valley. Shout out our friend Jimmy Tetra.

Speaker 4 See, I would say the truck nuts can be hilarious.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 4 The truck nuts are very funny.

Speaker 1 Irony poisoning. In the irony, poisoning way.

Speaker 4 So this is where I struggled a little bit with this because I sat and I thought, what would be on my Mount Rushmore of car accessories? Not even you. I just put them on my Flushmore.

Speaker 1 Not even you, who has maybe been poisoned by irony a time or two in his life, would put on truck nuts.

Speaker 4 I would not. Right.

Speaker 1 So there you go. You wouldn't.
Because you know that, like, also,

Speaker 1 if you have truck nuts, I'm pretty sure that if you get in a road rage, you have to try to kill the other person.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah. It means like, let's fight.
Right. It means let's fucking go.
Hank, you should get truck nuts for your wheelies. Your wheelies.

Speaker 1 That would be cool. Now, that would be funny.
One sets for your car.

Speaker 4 On each foot, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay, next, Hank.
All right, I had a completely different, I don't know, I was misconfused by this Mount Rushmore. I will go with the family bumper stickers.
Yep, okay. Good one, great one.

Speaker 1 Also, I'm going to give you the whole

Speaker 1 family of the family bumper stickers because you also have the whole industry of people who have family bumper stickers that make fun of the family bumper stickers, but they don't realize they're also douchebags.

Speaker 1 Like the people who have all their dogs, or it's like a, it's like an AK-47, a grenade launcher. Like, you're like, yeah, but you also.
Family of weapons. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So a good one.

Speaker 4 Yeah. I saw a family bumper sticker where the dad was doing CrossFit as his stick figure.
Right, right. So just so you know, I work out.
My family's not in as good shape as I'm.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Okay, good. Philip Rivers has one that just goes across his entire back window.

Speaker 1 It's the entirety of the car. It is literally the car.

Speaker 4 My first one is going to be beaded seat covers.

Speaker 4 They're so uncomfortable.

Speaker 4 So seat covers in general are designed to be comfortable, to make you feel better. I don't know who sits down on beaded seat covers and isn't immediately like, this sucks.

Speaker 4 It feels like I'm sitting down on like a hundred little turtles. Yep.

Speaker 1 It's awful.

Speaker 4 It makes you so much more uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 Yep. Good one.
Good one.

Speaker 4 My next one.

Speaker 4 My next one is going to be an ox chord that doesn't reach the back seats. An ox chord that is like a foot, two feet long, and only the person in the front can blow up.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 isn't that the whole point?

Speaker 4 Only limiting. No, because a lot of times...

Speaker 1 Your car.

Speaker 4 A lot of times the people that sit in the back seat have the better mixtapes than the people that sit in the back seat.

Speaker 1 Right, but if it's your car, you're like, I want to listen to my music. No, but if, but then, if, then, you, if you don't want to listen to your music, you only have one person next to you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I agree, but I'm just saying, I could see how that could be like, hey, I don't want anyone else playing music in my car. It's kind of psychotic.
Yeah, it is. I agree.
I'm just saying. But yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I like B D C covers. That one's so bad.

Speaker 4 They suck.

Speaker 1 Like, that's so, so bad. Ah, Hank, your pick.

Speaker 1 Interior lights that go underneath your car. Yeah, interior floor.

Speaker 1 Neon undergoes. Yeah, the underbelly? Yes.

Speaker 1 Good one. That exterior can be kind of badass.

Speaker 1 Maybe, potentially, kind of like truck nuts, but somewhat like if you have a sick car with some sick neon underlights, kind of cool. Some chicks might like that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you have it on the inside, there's no point.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I would say if we're relating it to

Speaker 4 which type of person would do the truck nuts versus the underbelly, I would say Jason Kelsey probably has truck nuts. Travis Kelsey probably has the neon light under his car.

Speaker 1 All right, my next one will be.

Speaker 1 I'll go with the

Speaker 1 oh, how about the exhaust, the muffler that is tricked out to be the loudest thing in the entire world? And you can hear you coming from a million miles away, and you are a grade A douchebag.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I never really understood that one. It's insane.
I think it's just to warn daughters' parents, like, don't let your daughter out the door if this pulls up outside.

Speaker 1 It's also crazy when it's on a car that, like, doesn't have that big of an engine.

Speaker 4 That's actually my favorite. It's Honda, Honda Civic SI, right? I expanded the muffler.

Speaker 1 And then this one's going to be a little rare, but I'm sure you guys have seen it.

Speaker 1 The front lights eyelashes. Psycho move.
That's usually like

Speaker 1 usually, you know, a VW bug, throw the eyelashes on, have probably owned at least three pugs. Like, the Venn diagram for pug ownership and eyelashes on your car is a big circle.
And

Speaker 1 yeah, probably living a life alone. And your car is your partner.

Speaker 4 Well, it's the female equivalent of having the mustache that goes across the grill.

Speaker 1 It's kind of the female equivalent of chuck nuts. It's like the something's not right with you.
Here's me announcing it to the entire world. So we don't even have to have a conversation.

Speaker 1 You can just see me pull in and I'll know to stay away. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Very bad accessory.

Speaker 1 Be careful of those people, I feel like, especially like when you have the school board meeting.

Speaker 1 When that person shows up, it's a problem.

Speaker 4 Can I throw a flag on what you said a second ago about the pugs? I feel like the pugs, that's more of a...

Speaker 4 What's the old Honda element? The boxy Honda SEC. Oh, but you could put a five-car car.

Speaker 1 That's a podcast on that.

Speaker 4 I would say that

Speaker 4 it's more of a cat car if you have the eyelashes on the front. It's like you own five cats if you have those.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, five cats and three pugs are kind of the same.

Speaker 4 Yeah, they're equivalent.

Speaker 1 They're very equivalent. All right.

Speaker 1 Hank,

Speaker 1 your pick.

Speaker 1 I will go with lifted tires if you lift your tires. Is that an accessory? Yeah, we'll count that.

Speaker 4 But what if you have a small penis? See, this one,

Speaker 1 I was honestly thinking, like, car accessories. I was thinking things that come with your car, like the check engine light.

Speaker 4 Fuck the check engine light. Yeah, that's a feature.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess I was thinking car features, not car accessories. I don't know.
I guess.

Speaker 4 No, that can count, though. The lifted tires, like lifting up a car.
I would say lifting up a car that doesn't need to be lifted if you never drive off-road.

Speaker 1 Right, yes, absolutely counts.

Speaker 4 Okay, yeah, all right. Uh, my next one, I'm gonna go with a big-ass spoiler on a car that can't go over 80 miles an hour.

Speaker 4 Having that big thing weighing it down in the back, it's like it makes it look like your car could race.

Speaker 4 Yep, and I'm sure that the person that has that spoiler also has the modified muffler to be like absolutely my car might not be fast, but it's certainly loud.

Speaker 1 Not at the same time, though, because it's like you got to do the payment plan for the muffler and then the payment plan for the spoiler. Yes, okay.
Uh, your last pick, PFT.

Speaker 4 My last one.

Speaker 4 Uh, I'm gonna go with a radio that changes colors all the time too frequently because it's so distracting.

Speaker 1 Or the, remember the radios that the CD player that you would take with you so couldn't get stolen? You'd take the face with you, you'd lock it in your glove compartment. Yep.

Speaker 4 That was Hank doesn't remember that. Yeah.
That was old stuff. But that's when you got an aftermarket one put in at like Best Buy, and it costs you $250, and you spent all your money money on it.

Speaker 4 So you're like, I'm going to take this into class with me, and you just walk around with that in your book pack.

Speaker 1 You should be happy, Hank, that you've just kind of lived a life of Bluetooth because it used to be...

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah,

Speaker 1 I had the fucking tape deck. Yes.
The tape decks that

Speaker 1 basically my whole life. Go into the CD player.

Speaker 1 And I had the one that you had the tuner. You had to tune it, and that sucked.

Speaker 1 That always sucked. I remember one time I was driving, I think I was actually driving to UMass, and it's like in the middle of nowhere, and my tuner wasn't working, and all of a sudden I got caught.

Speaker 1 caught there must have been another group of kids that were just also driving to UMass on this long road and I got onto their frequency and I just tailgated them for like 20 miles because I could hear their music.

Speaker 4 You just mooched off their music.

Speaker 1 I like that. Yep.

Speaker 4 So you could potentially get into like a battle with somebody and force your music onto their stereo. That'd be pretty sick too.

Speaker 4 It's like going to your neighbor's house with a universal remote and changing their channel through the window. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who's pay? Wait, you're... No, that was yours.

Speaker 4 I do think that Hank's right though about the tape deck aux sounding so crystal clear.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 To me, the tape deck aux that was hooked up to your disc man sounds clearer than plugging in an aux cord to your iPhone right now.

Speaker 4 Science will never reach that level of sophistication that we had in the year, what, 2001, 2002 when we developed that?

Speaker 1 Yes. Car seats.
If you don't have a kid, those things are a real bitch to deal with.

Speaker 1 Well, no, but it's like if it's like on my mount Flushmore of car accessories,

Speaker 1 Hank will never

Speaker 1 have a kid.

Speaker 4 Hank's on record.

Speaker 1 And even

Speaker 1 when you're with people that have kids. You can look at me while you say it.
Like, look. No, this is a general.
This is a general thing. Look at me.
This is a general thing.

Speaker 1 Like, oh, and then all of a sudden it's like, oh, well, there's a car, you have to factor in the car seat. You're literally describing the first time we got in my car after I.

Speaker 1 No, no, that's a general thing. Look at me.
That's something that's happened to me many times. I'm sorry that I want my son to live.

Speaker 1 If I ever got, God forbid, in a car accident, just look at me.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, that was just a general one.

Speaker 4 It is a top thing that people that have kids bitch about all the time. It's like, no, I don't want,

Speaker 4 I can't go over and pick up my car seats there. It's a great excuse to get out of driving places.
It sucks.

Speaker 1 It sucks.

Speaker 1 All right, my last one.

Speaker 4 Do you think anyone puts a car seat in their car that doesn't have a kid just so that they can get out of a speeding ticket or something like that? It would be. Sorry, I'm tired of it.
Or not.

Speaker 1 You just not have to carpool. Although they'd probably be like, eventually, like, what do you like?

Speaker 4 Do you have a child?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you don't have a kid.

Speaker 1 Okay, my last one.

Speaker 1 Oh, how about some good old-fashioned... What the fuck did I write down here?

Speaker 1 What the fuck did I... Oh,

Speaker 1 how about some good old-fashioned racing stripes? Or if you want to get even crazier with it, have you ever seen

Speaker 1 the fake bullet holes or whatever kind of sticker you put on inside? Yeah, the flames, the racing stripes. Any sticker on your car is so insane.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I mean, what you've been describing is like your car that you've put together with your Mount Flushmore is just the world's biggest puddle of mud fan.

Speaker 1 Yeah, slash, like, the shittiest weed you could ever buy would be from this guy. Yes, yeah.
Yeah. It's going to give you a headache.

Speaker 4 Yeah. You take one hit.
You don't get high. You throw up.

Speaker 1 Well, no.

Speaker 4 You paranoid the cops on yourself?

Speaker 1 No, there's two. There's the guy who's going to sell you it.
He's got the muffler, the truck nuts, and the racing stripes. And then Karen will pull up with the eyelashes and call the cops on you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
So I've just, that's a really bad scene I've painted. Any others that we missed?

Speaker 4 Yeah, I mean, Calvin pissing on anything?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 4 I don't like that.

Speaker 1 Yes, I'd agree with that. Any bumper sticker that's trying to make like a real statement, the piece one, it's like, come on, man.

Speaker 4 Yeah, the coexist one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the co-exist one.

Speaker 4 And then you combine that with its like redneck cousin, the coexist one, that's just a bunch of weapons. Yeah.
Where the O is like a hand grenade.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that one's hard. I respect any bumper sticker, though.
It's like this car climbed because that's not cool. That's a hard feature.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because then you can also think, like, holy shit, that car really did go on.

Speaker 4 That car's seen some stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 4 The 13.1 bumper sticker is bad.

Speaker 4 If you put the half-marathon bumper sticker on the back, that's an issue.

Speaker 1 I actually think there's a new number one leader when it comes to distances that's way worse, the 0.0. I think that's the lamest.
That one used to be funny. Yeah, now it's lame.

Speaker 1 Now it's so lame. It's like, okay, that's actually, it's kind of similar to the offshoot family ones that are making fun of the original family one.

Speaker 1 The 0.0

Speaker 1 is now worse than

Speaker 1 the half mile. Yeah, so we have it.

Speaker 4 So what's next?

Speaker 4 0.5?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Or it's probably going to be like, they're probably going to have a play on like, or like, you know, it's going to be like 2.0 beers or potato chips or something like that.

Speaker 4 Your blood alcohol content. Yeah.
0.08. That's the next one.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That'll be a real hoot.

Speaker 4 What about fluffy steering wheel?

Speaker 1 Bobbleheads in the front?

Speaker 4 The fluffy steering wheel, I can go either way on because if it's a van, then it's cool. But if it's not, then it's lame.
Yep. The no-fat chick sticker, that's a bad one.

Speaker 4 The skull that's on top of a gear shift, but it's an automatic car that you're driving and not a manual.

Speaker 1 Any type of, yeah, yeah, that one's pretty bad, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, either way, we should just make like a Frankenstein car and just have all of these things.

Speaker 4 That's what Elon Musk should do for his next car. Instead of having a car that's very easy to throw a brick through, upcharge it, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, be like, hey, all the accessories.

Speaker 4 Look, I'll put six antenna balls in the front of your car.

Speaker 1 Bringing it all in. All right, let's finish our show.
We got FAQs. We got to come up with a documentary to watch for next week.

Speaker 4 What about that sour grapes?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, sour grapes.

Speaker 4 The one where the guy defrauds a bunch of stuff.

Speaker 1 Vermont, Liam, it's your job. You have to remind us, sour grapes, sometime next week.
Before Thursday, you have to remind us, watch sour grapes.

Speaker 1 Hank's going up, big case.

Speaker 4 I've been getting into the Jeffrey Epstein documentary that just came out in Netflix.

Speaker 4 We will not be discussing that because

Speaker 4 that will just make you think the worst of everybody. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, Hank, finish us off with some FAQs.

Speaker 1 Are you guys ever nervous about

Speaker 1 saying you hate someone on air when there's a chance you could have that person on as a guest in the future?

Speaker 4 Ooh, let's pick somebody that we haven't had on to say that we hate right now.

Speaker 1 We might not even hate him, but let's just pick some.

Speaker 4 This will be a good way to get a dialogue going on the internet that we can then convert into having our guest booker Leroy invite them on the show. So who's one celebrity?

Speaker 1 Chrissy Teigen.

Speaker 4 We've tried.

Speaker 4 Lord knows we've tried. I've said a lot with Chrissy Teigen.

Speaker 1 No, usually, though, to answer the question, I don't...

Speaker 1 I think it's funnier when you just admit it. Like, hey, here are some tweets I said.
But let's think. Okay, so who.

Speaker 4 Who's active on social media?

Speaker 4 I think in the sports world,

Speaker 4 football, Wade Phillips. Yeah, fuck you, Wade Phillips.
I hate Wade Phillips.

Speaker 4 And you know what? I don't think that he'd ever even do an interview.

Speaker 1 No. He's too pussy.

Speaker 1 You know who would do an interview?

Speaker 4 His dad. I'm dressed like his dad.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Rest in peace.

Speaker 4 R.I.P. I love Bum Phillips.

Speaker 1 Yep. He would definitely man up and do an interview.
But Wade, no way. Do people forget that you used to have a segment called People Forget That?

Speaker 1 People Forget. No, I guess people don't because they...

Speaker 4 Oh, this person. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they just said that they didn't.

Speaker 4 People don't forget it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, people don't forget that. I feel like there's probably a good amount of people that were like, oh, shit.
By the way, did we is there an FAQ about what today is?

Speaker 1 Nope. Do you know what today is?

Speaker 4 I know what today is. Today is the anniversary of something very important.

Speaker 1 But we can't, it's not funny yet. Right.
That guy, did you see the guy who tweeted me? He's asking if it's funny to make Karambe jokes. Like, nope, check back next year.

Speaker 1 Was having a debate with a friend. Would you guys rather be sweating inside during peak summer with no AC or freezing inside with no heat during peak winter?

Speaker 4 Freezing inside.

Speaker 1 Oh, I don't know, dude. Have you ever had

Speaker 1 your heat dye? Yeah, there's no. You can always layer up.

Speaker 1 You haven't had your heat dye then.

Speaker 4 I've had my heat dye before.

Speaker 1 In a cold weather city.

Speaker 4 In a pretty cold weather.

Speaker 1 I had my heat die in Chicago when it was 10 degrees out and you cannot, like, you can't move.

Speaker 1 It gets so, so cold inside.

Speaker 4 It was like 15

Speaker 4 in Texas, which is the equivalent of that has not happened. Negative 15 in Chicago.

Speaker 1 No, it's, I would, if I hadn't gone through that, I would not, I would not answer it that way because I am a big believer in like, I'd rather be cold than hot.

Speaker 1 But it was like, you couldn't do anything. The only bad part about three space heaters in a small bedroom, and it still was freezing.

Speaker 4 I'm going to agree with you in the fact that, like, the worst part about being hot is the sweat just sitting in your apartment, sweating everywhere. That sucks.

Speaker 4 If it's super cold, you layer up and you still get the sweat a little bit, but it's also cold on all the exposed parts.

Speaker 1 When it gets so cold.

Speaker 4 And this might be just me talking as somebody that does not currently have an air conditioner, and it was like 80 degrees last weekend, and that was that was miserable right there.

Speaker 1 yeah but you can also i think if you it sucks to be that hot with no ac but you also i think there's a level of like once you start sweating and you're like you know what this is it like i'm gonna i'm gonna basically wear nothing like i'm gonna wear you know a small t-shirt take off my t-shirt wear some shorts no underwear you can almost like figure it out The part I like about the cold is anytime it's like bone-chilling cold in your apartment, it takes you, you become bare grills.

Speaker 4 It's man versus wild. So you're like, you're envisioning yourself trapped in the outdoors.
You're like, I'm going to create a nest using every blanket in my house. Right.

Speaker 4 And you feel like you're survivor man.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 What was the most average interview you have ever done?

Speaker 4 Average interviews.

Speaker 4 That's a very good question.

Speaker 1 I was. This is kind of a mean thing, right?

Speaker 4 An average interview.

Speaker 4 Nothing.

Speaker 4 Average interview. Spam call.

Speaker 1 Average interview. Tell us an David Spade.

Speaker 1 Average.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he you could tell, I'd say the average interviews are the ones where it's a press tour and they don't, they're like on like stop four of nine.

Speaker 1 You can't really get, it's a very hard thing to do.

Speaker 4 What would you say, Hank?

Speaker 1 I kind of agree with what Pit Kat says. Press interviews, if there's like a time constraint where it's like 20 minutes.

Speaker 1 I thought Jim Gaffigan was pretty average. Yep.
It was like, yeah, it was good. Like, it was fun because I like him, but it was like, yeah.
Like Pete Holmes, like the guys that aren't speaking.

Speaker 1 These guys too that are like their, but they're big, big Pete Holmes laughed at our jokes. He was above average.

Speaker 4 He was an awesome dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was so

Speaker 1 funny. I love that guy.
When each of you were growing up, what did you think your career was going to be? Firefighter.

Speaker 4 Baseball player?

Speaker 1 Same. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which one?

Speaker 1 Baseball player. Oh, I thought you were saying that.
No.

Speaker 4 Like a little Danny Watkins.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess I don't.

Speaker 1 Maybe police officer.

Speaker 1 Batman actually is really the answer. Batman.
Batman is definitely the answer. Batman or Raphael? I was not into Turtles.
Those were my two career choices.

Speaker 4 I wasn't going to be a bad guy. Yeah.
He was going to be a good guy.

Speaker 1 No, I was going to catch bad guys.

Speaker 1 I was definitely on the path to be Batman.

Speaker 1 If your dog killed the family cat and you were the first to see it, would you cover up the crime for your dog and act like you don't know where the cat is?

Speaker 4 Absolutely. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 Man's best friends.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Did Chaps write this? Is his kitten okay?

Speaker 1 I think that's his second cat.

Speaker 1 I didn't know how that

Speaker 1 I would absolutely cover up. Yeah.
Well, let's call him. Let's call him.
I'll ask him.

Speaker 4 Listen,

Speaker 4 if you don't reciprocate the best friend relationship to your dog, then you're no better than a cat.

Speaker 1 All right, we'll call. Let's see.
From the man himself. He always picks up.
If he doesn't pick up, I'm going to be very disappointed.

Speaker 1 Hello, Daniel. Chaps, you're on pardon my take right now.
I said you always pick up, so thank you for that.

Speaker 1 We have a hypothetical, an FAQ, that got asked, and I just randomly selected to call you just to see what you would think.

Speaker 1 If your family dog killed your family cat and you were the first to find it, would you cover up the crime?

Speaker 4 This is so fucked up.

Speaker 4 Wait, do you know that this is a real story that happened?

Speaker 1 Yes. I didn't.
I honestly.

Speaker 1 When Hank said it, I whispered and I was like, like Uncle Chaps?

Speaker 1 You just got put on the shit list by my wife so bad you got your dead to her.

Speaker 1 Well, what did you do?

Speaker 1 What did you do? I'm laughing because I'm nervous. What did you do?

Speaker 1 What did you do? Did you cover it up? I can't tell you. She's sitting right here.
I can't say that I put...

Speaker 1 okay, heaven. All right, so the answer is heaven.

Speaker 4 They just went to heaven. So that is a cover-up.

Speaker 1 Well, dig,

Speaker 1 Hank asked the question, and I said, did chaps write this?

Speaker 1 This is a violation.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean,

Speaker 1 I thought, isn't it like, what's the saying? Comedy?

Speaker 4 Time plus

Speaker 4 tragedy equals comedy.

Speaker 1 It's only been how many? Two years. That's enough time.
Well, Harambe is three years.

Speaker 4 There's never enough.

Speaker 1 Well, how are you guys doing in the grieving scale? One to ten?

Speaker 1 I'm at like, I'm getting to acceptance.

Speaker 1 Okay, so maybe next year, can I call you about this? Yeah, call me next year. Okay, goodbye.
I love you.

Speaker 1 That's it. So there you go.
Did not hear that. The cat goes to heaven.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's horrific.

Speaker 4 But he didn't cover it up from his whole family.

Speaker 1 No, no, he told his whole family. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, no, no. It was horrific.
I thought you guys knew that. I guess no one knew that.
He might have just told me a trust.

Speaker 1 I might have just violated his trust. And that's what he said.

Speaker 1 Shit. Well, all right, we'll see you everyone Monday.
Love you guys.

Speaker 1 Shy it away.

Speaker 1 Oh, I've been coming for your love, okay.

Speaker 1 Shy it away.

Speaker 1 Oh, I've been coming for your love, okay.

Speaker 1 Needless to say,

Speaker 1 I've said it

Speaker 1 about me somewhere in a way.

Speaker 1 Smelling the five is okay.

Speaker 1 Say after me, say after me, say up to me, say up to me, say up to me, say after me.

Speaker 1 It's no better to be saved than somebody.

Speaker 1 Things that I say,

Speaker 1 but just to play my furries away.

Speaker 1 You are things I've got to remember. Be shy and away.

Speaker 1 I'll be coming for you anyway.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 take on me.

Speaker 1 I'm

Speaker 1 yours

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 all

Speaker 1 things

Speaker 1 take on me.

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 me,

Speaker 1 take on me,

Speaker 1 take on me

Speaker 1 It's Pardon My Tape, presented by Bar Stool Sports.