Joel McHale, Dungeons And Dragons Part 2, And The Match

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On today's part of my take, we have Joel McHale. Great interview with him.
And then the continuation of our Dungeons and Dragons fantasy adventure. We have our good friend Tim Woods back on to pick up where we left off don't worry we gave everyone a refresher at the start and uh we're in some shit let's just say that cliffhanger we're in some shit we have hot seat cool throne a little recap of the match part do ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working nah neither has Ariat Ariat work jackets and boots are packed with all the cold stopping waterproof protection you need to get the job done under any conditions so you can take any job out there and always deliver check out Ariat in your local workwear retailer or visit Ariat.com slash work to get 10 off your first order when you sign up for email.

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Okay, let's go. There is violence, and then a lot of stuff, where can we be done?

No place to hang out, no washing, and then I can't lay ball on the sun, oh no.

We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we'll take it higher.

Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue. It Pardon My Take presented by Farm Stool Sports Welcome to Pardon My Take presented by the Cash App Download it right now and then go to their Twitch channel, twitch.tv slash cash app And they're giving away free money All you gotta do is put your cash tag in their chat when chat when they go live today is tuesday may 26th happy memorial day guys yeah it's summer has begun it just felt like an extra long tuesday the entire weekend summer's here dude it's it sucks going outside on memorial day and not smelling grilled meats everywhere this is what we should do we should just make a pledge to each other right now.
Most epic summer ever. Let's do it.
Let's all lose our virginities this summer, guys. I'm going to take a vacation next week.
Fine. There we go.
Fine. Go for it.
Live your best life. Learn how to surf.
I'm reading a book still. Most epic summer ever.
This is the summer that I get a six pack. I really do feel bad for...
I've been thinking about this a lot. If you're in your 20 how old are you hank 26 if you're in your mid 20s you're just giving away a year of your prime it's prime prime it's like it's like sean payton getting suspended for a year with the saints like you have just given away a year that you'll never get back because i think often about like oh man remember when i was in my 20s it was awesome in the summer if i had to give one of those years away even worse even worse i think i you know while i do appreciate your your sorrow for me and people of my age group i think the real the people that really suffer are the kids more in billy's age group that are 18 to 22 and it's like your summer job is only for money for beer and every single night you're going hard like when i was when i was that age it was truly the summer was truly like any money i got was just going back into like the party fund counterpoint and that summer okay sucks counterpoint though if you're between 18 and 22 you still have your entire 20s summers to look forward to true like there is still some great summers if you're in your late 20s the clock is ticking on your like that vibe that you get when it's summertime you're like i'm not really gonna work that hard i'm gonna go on a bunch of trips maybe a bunch of bachelor parties i'm just gonna go balls to the wall i have a little cash in my pocket you're losing a prime year and guess what you're gonna have to retire soon anyway even your late 20s that's that's almost even too late like i would say if you're if you just graduated college you get this entire year is gonna be a free roll for you you get to celebrate next summer just like you were supposed to celebrate this summer it's you know what it's like it's basically you need to just update your stat sheet for running back carries you miss an entire year so when you're 30 you got fresh legs people are like well he's a 30 year old running back it's like dude not many touches in the summer of 2020 yeah you're still healthy you've got both your livers i think you have two of those yeah he didn't he didn't rack up the mileage he's got those fresh legs going i say just just say fuck it this year doesn't count it doesn't count whatever you do this summer does not count on your permanent record we should write a letter be the same age next year yeah this it age next year.
Yeah, it's a year off. That would be awesome.
That would be sick. We should do that.
We did an age. So we're still 29.
Next year we're turning 35. We're still 29.
Yeah, I'm so pumped to be 23 next year. You know what they're going to do? They should take what they did with the match two, the rematch of Tiger and Phil and Tom and Peyton, and Just do it every other week with a different celebrity pairing.
Yeah, I was saying. But keep Tiger and Phil.
Could you imagine if our boy Brooks was matched up with our boy Cuddy? That would be electric. That would be sick.
The people's champs. God damn.
Going after him. So the match, too, was the big story from the weekend.
It was awesome. Tom Brady with the most relatable golf game ever where on a big stage just shanked everything and then had one shot that he can go to sleep saying holy shit i'm going pro well it was everyone's golf game ever so he's better than it's a mixed blessing because yeah he at least got that one shot where he's like that was sick everyone saw that i can hit a good shot but now he to keep playing golf for the rest of the season.
You can't quit. There have been so many times when I've been almost ready to quit golf, and then I hit a shot on the 18th hole, and then I'm like, well, I can't totally quit golf.
I play once a year. Yeah, I was going to say, we quit golf.
We're very bad. In fact, the best hole that we played last year.
What are you talking about? You don't golf. I don't golf.
I hit my putter, I think, seven times. I just said, fuck it to all my irons and drivers.
I was like, I'm just going to putt this par four, and I got a seven on it, which I think is the best hole. Yeah, Tony Scheffler had to give you money.
That's right, yeah. I took 200 bucks off of it.
But yeah, it was good to have sports on. I didn't think that they were going to play, but they said, fuck it.
Let's go full send on this round. We're going to play in the rain.
It was fun. The mic'd up helped.
Phil Mickelson is great on the mic. He's a talker, but I loved hearing him talk.
Brady was like, you could tell how mad Brady was, but he had to also play it cool because he's Tom Brady. He's sitting there.
Peyton Manning has a third of the Super Bowls of him he's beat Peyton Manning pretty much every time they played and he's losing to him in front of the whole country and he was you could just tell like the inner competitor he had to be like stay cool stay cool and that one shot basically saved yes he said like he said like no words by far he said no words for like eight holes then he hit that shot and he wouldn't stop talking which is which is also the most relatable thing ever where It's like you don't say shit and then you hit one shot, you just start shit talking all your friends. I also noticed how Peyton Manning, every time he talks, he sounds like he's in the middle of a commercial, delivering like a punchline in a commercial.
Yes. He just speaks in these little sound bites.
It was also relatable, like Brady hit that putt when Phil Mickelson drove the green on that par four and Brady hits the putt and then they do the little like, are we going to high five? Are we going to arm touch? Social distancing. Social distancing.
The only complaint I had, it was actually, like, very, very enjoyable. The only complaint I had was I wish they had just shit-talked a little bit more.
Because it was, we had the, you know, oh, yeah, Tennessee hasn't been relevant. You've been there, Peyton.
Or, oh, Eli would have made that putt. Liket like the little stuff I wanted them to go in on each other a little bit yeah ties like kissing your sister but me beating you is like making out with your son right that's really kind of go at each other exactly yeah they did a little bit at the start Peyton like brought up Nick Foles to Brady when he was chipping and Brady like stopped what he was doing he's like don't say the don't say the NF word yeah NF word.
Yeah. Or like, or like what if Peyton's, you know, Brady out drives Peyton and be like, eh, probably need to hit up your wife for some more of that HGH Peyton.
Like shit like that. That's what I wanted.
The real shit. I didn't.
And then Phil's like, did you say, you say wife, don't say that word around tiger. He'll fuck her.
That kind of shit. Isn't Phil Mickelson's wife.
Wasn't she like in really, really good shape? Cause I i remember back in the swimsuit issue like maybe the late 90s or early 2000s right they did an athlete's wives segment and it was like roger clemens wearing a suit and then his wife wearing a g-string basically and it was phil mickelson and his wife and she was like in much much better shape than he was it like her phil mickelson he's always had like the man boobs going he's He looks good right now good now but in the late 90s early 2000s phil was a frumpy mess yes he was but he he does look good and it was fun it was like it was just fun those guys seem like a good time and uh i would watch that again i would watch that every weekend if they if they provided it like the highest viewed uh golf match on cable of all time really people? People love amateur stuff. Like whether it's pornography or it's golfers, it's almost better watching people who aren't professionals do it.
It was also great when they just gave up on the shot tracers on the amateurs. Like in the beginning, they tried to like trace their shots and then they realized that we only have it for the fairway.
Tom Brady hasn't even come close. Did you feel a little relief, Hank, not having to spin zone every bad shot by Brady at the beginning?

No.

See, the thing is, I still come to bat when I see everyone chirping Tom Brady. I still get that defensive instinct in me to just come to his defense.

It doesn't matter that he's on the Buccaneers.

People were roasting him unfairly.

It was unfair.

Peyton Manning retired 10 years ago.

Obviously, he's better at golf.

There you go.

Okay, so you are defensive.

That's a good spin zone, yeah.

Who would you like to see in the next match instead of Peyton and Tommy? Hmm. Tommy.
I mean, someone said MJ. MJ would be electric.
MJ, I was actually thinking about that driving in today. I was like, could you imagine? And Chuck.
They don't like each other right now. Exactly.
Charles would be fun to watch just because. Charles is so bad.
Justin Thomas calling him a fat ass was amazing. That was great TV.
Charles was asking for tips to Immelman and was wowed by the tips. He's like, wait, that's true? Keep your head down.
Yeah, he's like, oh, shit. Yeah, that's what I've been doing wrong.
I mean, credit to Charles Barkley. He doesn't have that hitch in his swing anymore.
He's got a smooth swing. He got, what, a bogey or a double bogey? I think so, yeah.
I think he got a double bogey on the 18th hole. That's an eagle as far as Charles Barkley is concerned.
I would take a double bogey all day. I think someone like a huge, like a Wayne Gretzky or like a big hockey guy.
I know hockey guys are pretty big golfers. Ryan Whitney.
Right, well, like a big hockey guy. No, Ryan Whitney.
A well-known someone. I'll tell you what, Sidney Crosby, he's been

taking the off-seasons early. Someone should do

a video golf series

with him. Yeah, I'm going to back up

my guy, Witt. He would by far be

a better personality than anyone else

in the NHL right now, in terms of on the mic.

I'm saying like a win.

I'm saying like all-time NHL. Right, but I don't care.

The fun part was less

that it was Tom Brady and Peyton Manning,

and more it was just the live mic

Thank you. I'm saying like all-time NHL.
Right, but I don't care. The fun part was less that it was Tom Brady and Peyton Manning and more it was just the live mic and them kind of going back and forth and Phil explaining things.
That was fascinating to me. So more of that.
Other news. All we got is the NFL is proposing the 4th and 15 onside kick substitution, which I like that a lot.
Yeah, John Harbaugh is nutting himself right now because there's no bylaw in it saying that it has to be for the team that's playing from behind. Right.
So John Harbaugh can now go forward on 4th down after they score a touchdown. Well, I would imagine they're going to close that loophole because if you are up 15, if there's like 10 seconds left, you could just run around in the backfield.
That would be sick. Right.
So they'll close that loophole either now or after Belichick or Vrabel takes advantage of it. Yeah.
I hope that they don't close it. Yeah.
Like at least let us get some chaos in one week and just have like Jameis Winston, have Sean Payton run either a double quarterback where it's Jameis Winston and Taysom Hill. They get the snap.
They just lateral it to each other and keep running backwards towards their own end zone until the clock runs out. That's going to be – I'm excited to see which coaches use that early on in the game and which ones save because you get two per game, right? Yeah, but it's the 25-yard line, so that's – you give the ball back there.
Yeah. That's quite the flip.
Scared money doesn't make money. It's true.
And then the Sky Judge, which should have happened already. The thing with the Sky Judge is that all they have to do is officially call it Sky Judge or even Sky Judge 10,000, and no one will ever disagree with it.
It doesn't even have to be anything new. It could be the exact same system and just say there's a Sky Judge.
Sky Judge gets it right. Yes.
Like, refs get it wrong. Sky Judge gets it right.
We just invented religion is what we did pretty much like yeah we have a police department but also god yeah he also judges everything god knows he knows everything sky judge will will fix all of your nfl problems sky judge 10 000 call it that okay get kids that you know we're scared of the terminator when they were kids like get a little bit fear in me i'll be be like, oh, geez, won't go after Sky Judge 10,000.

It might get smart and chase me down.

SJ10K.

Yeah.

Done.

Boom.

Done.

All right.

We got hot seat, cool thrown.

You know what that means.

It's time to chug some beers.

Some Bud Light seltzers.

Excuse me.

Some refreshing BLSs.

What do we got here?

What flavors?

Black cherry and lemon lime.

I'll take the lemon lime.

Lemon lime. Still coming off.
Here we go. Get some of that vitamin C.
Such a bender from this weekend. Are you? No.
That's sick. No.
Okay. I think it was so depressing.
I'm working on a take. I think you get drunker in your living room drinking alone or with friends.
Oh, absolutely. Then you do in a bar with the same amount of drinks.
Absolutely. Like, I can have six beers in my living room, and I'll puke on myself, pee myself, and go to have six beers in a bar it's like okay my night is one tenth of the way done what are you doing oh hey just took his false start boo f's in the chat for hank it was depressing getting a text from some friends being like did you do anything fun from memorial day i'm like no dude yeah yeah i opened up my window of course not i had a thrilling game against florida i put my rug down what i put it down oh you did yeah is it like does it go up the walls a little tiny bit and it basically is like my entire living room floor don't remember hank ordered a rug and 12 by 9 foot rug yeah it's way too big huge news i found the doc anal couch online oh we should buy it for the.
It's like, I think it's $7,000 worth it. I believe it's about 15 feet.
It's become pretty fucked. It's like 15 feet by 50 feet.
You know that the guy that's running the factory floor for that couch absolutely christens every one of them. Oh my God.
He just breaks his condom on it like it's a ship going out to the ocean. All right, here we go.
When your home system or appliance breaks down, American Home Shield will help fix or replace the covered item, no matter its age. Visit AHS.com slash listen for 20% off any plan.
See AHS.com slash contracts for coverage details, limitations, and exclusions. Hank cheated and didn't finish.
This is so good, I didn't want to finish it. Yeah, Saver.
All right. Hot Seed Cool Throne, let's do it.
And then we got Joel McHale coming up and Dungeons & Dragons, which is electric. Can I just say that Dungeons & Dragons is my favorite game to play? Yes.
It is the best. I actually, I'm going to declare this right now.
So the week of July, preceding July 4th, I think the office is closed, right? So we haven't figured out what we're going to do for episodes that week.

Usually we run a best of.

We should definitely do a just hour-long Dungeons & Dragons.

I'm down.

Then we'll put in there. Turns out your imagination is way better than any video game console.

Yes, yes.

Okay, let's do it.

Hot seat, cool, throw, and Hank, why don't you start?

My hot seat is PFT's boy, his goat, his king, Roy Williams.

Okay.

So Ty Lawson called him out. I mean, everyone knows Roy is a little bit suspect.
It's not surprising. Second best coach in the ACC.
Ty Lawson went on Instagram stories to call him out and said, who talks shit about someone when you won them a championship? You're weird. I got messages from 10 NBA GMs.
Wait, wait, wait, stop. You're weird.
That and why oh you are why are you so weird i was no apostrophe i was about to say yeah of course it is why oh you are right yeah i was gonna say weird somebody going on instagram stories to talk shit about their former coach weak move but just dropping a you're weird on him weird dude don't come back from that because everyone knows yeah obviously he's a weirdo he's a college basketball coach and he continued i got messages from 10 nba gms that said it came out your mouth that dude. You don't come back from that.
Because everyone knows. Yeah, obviously he's a weirdo.
He's a college basketball coach. And he continued.
I got messages from 10 NBA GMs that said it came out your mouth. That's why I don't fuck with Carolina or support anything y'all do.
It's a blessing that I don't open my mouth about shit. They asked me why I don't show love to North Carolina.
Roy Williams knows why. Oh, so what'd he do? What were the GMs texting about saying? I don't know, but he's just on the hot seat.
I think there was something with Ty Lawson. Maybe it was Ray Felton.
Was he drunk or something? Roy Williams gave a bad recommendation about Ty Lawson or something? He's not a player's guy. That's fine.
Listen, you can keep those words in your daggum mouth because Roy Williams is still a great coach, best coach in the ACC. And Ty Lawson was putting up Instagram stories from his Carolina days up until 2016.
Interesting. So it's somewhat of a recent beef.
Interesting. You're weird, dude.
You're weird. He is a weirdo.
I mean, everyone's a weirdo. All it takes is one.
This is a domino thing, though. It just takes one of these allegations, and then another player comes forward, then another player comes forward.
All I'm saying is Roy Williams. He should be feeling, feeling some heat underneath those buns.
Have we already forgotten about the, what are you? And my cool throne, my cool throne is Mike. That's just fake news.
That's just allegations. My cool throne is Mike Tyson.
He's in the airwaves again. We talked about his movie coming out, the Jamie Foxx impressions.
And now there's videos of him training, him fighting. And he apparently has been offered 25 million dollars if he gets back in the ring so cool throwing mike tyson everyone he's just the hot he's the hotness i did see that occurring guest of this show by the way that's right uh i saw that he got offered to fight sunny bill williams the new zealand rugby player who's also the heavyweight champion of new zealand he's like the best athlete in the history of the island, the South Island, I believe.
How many people are in New Zealand? There's like four. He's the toughest.
Yeah, and the entire Adams family already moved out to Oklahoma City. So Sonny B.
Williams is the toughest guy in New Zealand right now. I would actually watch that fight because you might remember him from the World Cup when he gave his medal to that kid that sprinted onto the field.
Everyone remembers that. That was Sonny B.
Williams. Which Worldby World Cup.
Yes. That classic moment.
No, I buy any Mike Tyson fight. I bought the Mike Tyson fights when he was totally washed up and everyone knew he was totally washed up.
And it was like, this guy stinks, but he's Mike Tyson. If he gets one punch, who knows? They should have him play in the next match with Evander Holyfield and they have to share a cart.
Perfect. Perfect.
I don't think Mike Tyson – he doesn't seem like he's a big golfer. I feel like if you are a pigeon racer, you're not a golfer.
But he lives in – Those hobbies – Doesn't he live in Nevada? You do one or the other. I feel like if you live in Las Vegas, you golf all the time.
Oh, they should get OJ on one of them. Oh, yeah.
Great, Hank. OJ Simpson.
Yes. Yeah.
Who's not watching that? OJ – All right, you guys just got all upset with me. Like, we don't – No, no, you're right.
You're right. Who's not watching that? All right, you guys just got all upset with me.
Like, we don't like... No, you're right.
You're right. Who's not watching that? Who isn't watching that? You're right.
I would watch. And in coffins.
It should be OJ and Mark Furman. Sorry, I guess you can't.
I'm just throwing a hypothetical. You guys asked me who would be a good person in the match.
Tiger Woods and OJ Simpson as a team? They should have AC driving the golf cart that OJ has to, like, just hang on the back of. You're right.
Sorry. Sorry, I guess.
Cool throw. Jeez.
Cool throw? My cool throw is Mike Tyson. That's actually a great idea.
No, no, no. It is.
He shouldn't get any of the money. I'm anti-OJ Simpson.
That's all for Corona. It would bring awareness to Corona.
I'm anti-murder, and he blocks me on Twitter, so I wouldn't be able to see his banger tweets from it, but I do believe that that would be the highest rated television show of all time my hot seat is rats rats New York City rats they're starting to panic they're turning on each other because all the restaurants are closed down and there are families and colonies of rats that have been going to the same restaurants over and over for like 12 generations or maybe more of these fucking rat colonies. And now those restaurants are out, so they're turning on each other instead of becoming more aggressive.
So now we've got cannibal rats living under the city right now, which, I mean, that's tough for them. Good for us.
Another thing to worry about. Well, they don't want to attack us until they've eaten.
Well, eventually they will. Eventually they will.
Eventually there will be like five giant rats that have gained all the strength of their entire colony. Right.
Then we'll have to deal with the giant rats. I think that's like the start of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Oh, I thought you were going to say it's like the start of like Union Strike. One of them will be Splinter.
Scabby outside. One of them will be Splinter.
Oh, that's right. Yeah.
Good point. Yeah.
They'll be disciplined rats. Yes.
disciplined rats yes yes okay i'm fine with that yeah um my cool throne was going to be john harbaugh because of the new nfl rules but verbal meme whoa pft steering the car off the exit that now says talk about the ncaa so reggie bush said that uh college athletes are on the hot seat so reggie Bush is on the cool throne because he doesn't think that college athletes will be able to handle getting paid and compensated for their image and likeness while they're in college. Reggie Bush.
Reggie Bush said that. So Reggie Bush has.
Well, I know. He didn't handle it well because he got caught.
That's true. He lost his Heisman.
That's true. So he's not even Heisman Trophy winner, Reggie Bush anymore.
No, he's not.

I love when they vacate that shit.

Like, he wasn't the best college football player in a given year.

Yeah, they just do the men in black flash thing.

Like, Louisville didn't win a national title.

Nope.

Just never happened.

Patino got the tattoo.

Yeah, it never happened.

All right, my hot seat is my age.

And you're age, too, PFT.

I thought we were 29.

What the fuck is Outer man hank i started watching it it's like how is this show it's the oc meets national treasure how is this show popular is it ironic did you like big cat i mean it's the oc i understand but like i've never felt I've never felt so old watching this show and this shitty dialogue and these kids run around

doing the same shit all the time.

Now I got people calling me kooks.

Big time kook energy.

That's fine.

Kooks own, PFT, would you rather own two houses, a sick boat,

or be running from child protective services all the time?

They both sound pretty good. Yeah.
But the boat is making me think I might be a kook. Okay, so you're a kook, too.
A kook, yeah. I texted Hank a few weeks ago, and I was like, hey, tell me about this show, Outer Banks.
I thought that it was like a Jersey Shore, except taking place in the Outer Banks. It's so bad.
Which would be awesome. It's so, so, so bad.
All right. It's pretty bad in the beginning.
The middle gets so ridiculous it becomes interesting like so bad it gets good and then the writing at the end of the season is so bad that it's just it's it's laughably bad okay so so there is a point though there's a few cliffhangers in the middle of the season that are like i obviously i was watching with my girlfriend and i was kind of like sitting there rolling my eyes as i'm watching but halfway through the season i got I got super into it. It was like, oh my God, like what is happening next? Wait, so you're saying to me though, so my feeling is correct that people are watching it because it's bad.
Well, the hot John B, you know, all the girls love John B. My girlfriend put up a John B shirt.
It's like the highest selling shirt on Barstool in the last like three months. It's just people are going crazy for John B.

Sarah Cameron. I like

her. But can I? Because she's like

20. Maybe.

It's a little dicey.

You're 29. I don't think I can

say I like her. Yeah.

Say that you've heard that

the kids like her. Yeah.

In the show she's like 16. So, yeah, that's problematic.
They're seniors in high school. That's problematic.
Okay. And the funny thing, I mean, there's a lot of things that are just so absurd.
And like I said, the writing towards the end gets even more ridiculous. But the fact that they call the kid John B., they never, ever, ever just call him John.
It's just John B. Was there another Jonathan? John B jonathan when he went into the fancy store what oh they call him jonathan yeah sarah cameron was like this is jonathan it's so bad you guys don't really it's so bad you're gonna finish it though you don't understand yeah of course i'm gonna fucking finish the cultural relevance of the outer banks in america which is everyone who lives in maryland virginia and north carolina they put an obX bumper sticker on the back of their car.
Those guys are kooks. And they do that, Hank, because that's the one week out of the year that they get to take off from work.
They go vacation and kill devil hills. No, pokes are...
No, he's saying there's someone else. Kooks are the summer people.
Yeah. No.
And the rich, yes. No, there's a one week summer people.
Yeah, the one week summer people. That's not a kook, Hank.
The dad who listens to Jimmy Buffett. God damn it, I'm so mad that I'm fighting with you about this show.
That's not a kook. He listens to Margaritaville Radio when he's working on spreadsheets every day at the office, and he gets that one week every summer, and he goes to the beach, and that becomes the biggest part of his life.
I would die for John B. shirt, Big Cat.
I'm going to get you all the merch. Wait, who are the ones that go there for the whole summer? I will die if I have to watch fucking John B.
anymore. Who are they? No, the kooks live there.
They're the rich people who live there. Okay.
The pogues are the poor people that live there. And then there's a term for the fucking...
They said it in the beginning. I don't know.
I'm like half watching this. Fuck this fucking show.
So there's no real rich people that live on the Outer Banks year-round? Well, according to this. Kooks.
Okay, found a plot hole. Kooks.
Fuck, man, I hate this show. But they got a shit boat.
My cool daughter is James Winston because he is practicing football by practicing baseball. And I feel like that's going to work.
Yeah. And he was practicing, like, boxing to practice football earlier with a big scrotum swing at him.
He's just in that phase of his career where he's going to just do everything that's not football to get better at football because playing football is bad for him. Well, first, you must learn all the things that are not football to be great at football, right? Right.
It's like an old kung fu mantra type thing. He's become like the pussy version of James Harrison doing the easiest off-season workouts possible and putting him up on Instagram.
That's fine. I think it's going to work.
That's fine. I think it's going to work because guess what? It's the most normal thing that James has done in a long time.
He's not throwing interceptions in practice against no one. Because that's really bad if you throw an interception when no one is guarding your receivers.
Can't throw a pick with a baseball bat. Right.
So I'm in. I think this is going to work for him.
All right. Let's to our interviews we got joel mikhail coming up and then we have uh our dungeons and dragons adventure the continuation of it all protein bars generally taste the same but not one bars one made protein bars are actually delicious with reese's and hershey's only one reese's peanut butter lovers protein bar is made with reese's peanut butter and only one hershey Butter Lovers Protein Bar is made with Reese's Peanut Butter.

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One has other delicious flavors like birthday cake maple glazed donut and blueberry cobbler find all one bars at a retailer near you or on amazon.com okay here he is joel mckale actually why don't we start there so we have uh joel mckale on uh the show and he's gonna we he has a podcast that we're going to plug, and I want to talk about. Whoa.
You just dropped out for like, was that me? It must have been me. How's your Wi-Fi? Did you hear it drop out? Well, you're moving your microphone.
Is it this? It's not that, because I can hear it. Are you nervous? Are you nervous? Come on, pardon my take, and you're stalling right now? I've had a lot of blood in my urine, and that makes me just go like, I hope everything's okay.
Yes. I'm taking a lot to hide your corner claim.
All right, I'm just going to trust it. Okay, so can you hear us? Yes.
Joel McHale, always ready. So Joel's here.
Now, is it Joe or Joel? Joel, right? Is it Joel McHale or Joelel mikhail it's yosef yosef mikhail yo hail um is this the does anything sound any different no no you sound like the guy from the soup can you can you hear us yeah perfect now i don't know if it's the headphones or what's going on do you think your name is more like every time i say your name it feels like it should be Joe. I feel like it should be Joe, too.
But the name is Jewish, and so the name Joel is Jewish, so that makes me very happy. Mikhail, is that Jewish as well? Yes.
Kevin Mikhail. It's from one of the greatest Jewish basketball players.
Kevin Mikhail and I went to the same synagogue. That's nice.
All right, so Joel Mikhail has joined us actually wanted we want to talk about your podcast but why don't you compliment our podcast first you guys have the best bench press in a studio out of any podcast i've ever seen you clearly have the best supports for a mini fridge i have ever yeah yeah you got a good eye for i mean because who wants to bend down that far right who wants to bend down an extra four inches to get a beer out when you can just put it on top of some bud light seltzer stuff there we go absolutely and then it looks like you uh that looks like you it looks like there's a poster of jeremy renner behind you but that's not that's coach ed ogeron and he does look like a movie star yeah okay um but then um there's another i will say yeah i like the it looks like you've you've like branded the uh front of the the pardon my take it looks like uh like there should be barbecue equipment in there i like yeah oh yeah this thing yeah we burned it we actually just burned it with uh with kerosene and a torch yes it's very nice and all the cords everywhere you guys don't give a fuck who cares well the cords yeah that's an aesthetic like we're like you know when you you actually do know this when you get your hair and makeup and you're like make it look messy that's what you do every time you go on tv so that's the look we're going for the make it look messy kind of look yeah what is your podcast i've been doing that with my hair for about 15 years to hide myself going bold. What does your podcast studio look like? You're looking at it.
Okay. So there's cabinets.
There's like a – You get a handle. This is where the fun puppets pop out of.
Uh-huh. This is – Puppet show podcast.
It's actually not a bad idea. This is kind of a 1969 tribute to Star Trek.

I like to believe this is a model of COVID.

So in case I need to point something out.

Now, what do you look out at when you're doing the podcast?

I'm in, here, I'll show you.

I look at a tree.

That's sick.

And there's a TV here.

Oh.

Yeah, if you give me a tree or a TV option, taking the tv 10 there's a tree wow oh that's a nice tree yeah that's a little deck living the life damn so you started a podcast basically um taking over everyone who's got a podcast for a living like us yes that's my goal is to put you guys out of business okay cool so uh the darkest timeline is what it's called yeah and it actually is both like a comedic podcast but also kind of talking about coronavirus and trying to inform the audience correct yes because ken is a real doctor even though he was sued for malpractice he broke the world's record for that. And he doesn't like me to point that out, but he really is a doctor.
His wife is a practicing doctor. And, and we were like, Hey, let's just, let's talk about the virus.
And then we'll start bringing on. We knew that community table read was coming up.
So we were like, well, we can talk about community and start bringing people on not watch back the episodes, now but i hope then we're just coming obviously we're going to run out of community cast members uh what do you think we were glee thank you and uh and so that's how it's kind of gone we've had uh like 11 episodes so what do we need to know about the coronavirus uh because i actually think that's a fantastic idea solely based on the the fact that we go online every day and no one knows what to look for and it's just noise everywhere and no one seems to have any answers so do you have some answers for us yeah no i think ken says it best when he says i was in the hangover no uh when he says remember when everyone saw my dick oh yeah I still I have a poster that it's actually right in the hangover. No.
When he says, remember when everyone saw my dick? Oh yeah. I still have a poster of that.
It's actually right in the tree, but it, it's really important that, well, if you follow the science, which is hard to find because, well, it's actually not that hard to find, but the 24 hour news cycle spreads it out. And the rest of the time it's hard, you know, obviously you need to hear about other things.
But there's, I think about eight, well, there's a hundred different labs working on a vaccine around the world. And then there's like eight major ones.
And they're in United States, Europe, and China. And that one, I think the one in Oxford, the Jenner, it's called the Jenner Corporation.

They were already working on a vaccine for SARS, which is a cousin of COVID. So they were already doing phase two trials with people.
So they shifted it all over to COVID-19. They say they will have a vaccine by September.
Now that again, that is that's like hitting four grand slams in yankee stadium in the world series uh but they've been working on it for years doesn't mean at all that we're gonna have it by jan i mean excuse me but by september but uh if in a very very perfect world we could have something uh by something by January to actually take that we could get. But now that there are so many billions and billions of dollars and every single, it seems like every single lab on the planet is trying to do something, this is when the human race does things extraordinary.
And so if you had said 100 years before, I don't know, the human race does things extraordinary. And so, uh, if you had said a hundred years before, I don't know, 1970 that, Oh no, no, we would be, we're going to fly.
We're going to fight two wars on two different fronts at the same time and win and develop, um, nuclear bombs and go to the moon and back a couple of times, people would look at you like you were nuts. And so I don't think we can underestimate the power of, you know, human brains working together.
And at the same time, the, you should, we should definitely not go, Oh, it's going to be fine. There's no problem here.
And so, because those trials take a long time.

They have to see for a long time whether it's going to accidentally kill people.

I mean, because you can take a vaccine and then a year later, something could happen.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

And also the drug, excuse me, the virus is still, we really don't know.

They think it's soft droplets, which is just talking between people inside rooms. And then they think it's the hard droplets, which are on surfaces.
But they still don't know about how contagious you are. They don't know about the viral loads and how much more contagious that makes you.
They're getting there, but we've been blindsided by this thing. So anyway, that's positivity though.
I like that message. You should definitely be positive because there are so many people working on it.
When I hear September, I just hear football. That just translates directly into football for me.
So as first reported by Joel McHale, the NFL and NCAA season will happen on schedule. I pretty guarantee any, almost any outdoor sport is probably going to be able to be played.
I bet. Yes.
Okay. Yes.
And by September, there should be more uniform and easier ways to test quickly. Should be.
Obviously, the demand is off the charts for quick testing. so they can test all those players before they go in the only thing i'm the i would be worried for the players because they're not getting the same sort of practice schedule as they would before a regular season right unless you guys know something i don't know i mean are they going to practice every day i mean it's not i think tom brady is tom brady just like snuck a bunch of his teammates out in the trunk of his car to like a tampa high school and threw the ball around to him today so i think i think some teams are gonna depending on what state you're in like florida's opening up more stuff uh i think tennessee is mid-june i think the nfl said basically they're gonna let anyone any state that allows it to open up their facilities so are you what's gonna are you to, are you worried at all about the, what would be a disaster is if the people aren't, they obviously just need to be very careful.
They should sequester them. Probably they should be like, if you're, if you don't have it, they should just put you in a hotel and bring you from the hotel to the practice facility and back.
And that's it. Because if someone gets it, it's going to spread and it spreads through wildfire on a team they're going to shut the whole thing down right right are you worried at all about the seahawks not being able to like pump in fake crowd noise no i i'm okay with that i did you see what the coach of the san diego chargers said no and he nothing

because they were like during los angeles no i like that you said san diego i still say san diego yeah it just doesn't make any sense i'm only gonna say the carson chargers yeah uh but they get they like what they go what do you think of the prospect of playing games without fans and he goes we're doing that already right perfect and i was like that's pretty good uh but i don't i don't uh

i what do you think of the prospect of playing games without fans? And he goes, we're doing that already. Right.
Perfect. And I was like, that's pretty good.
But I don't, I don't, I, I, I don't, I'm not too worried. Those guys compete at such a high level and they're the best athlete in the, in their state by a mile.
Like when they were coming up that I don't, most of those guys, I would say they,

they don't have any problem with motive,

you know,

being motivated out there.

True.

I just watched all those MMA fights on Saturday night with no audience in it.

It actually didn't bother me at all.

And,

uh,

it,

I,

I,

I assume it'll be the same for football and they'll find,

they'll find creative ways.

If that's the most we got to worry about, then we're in good shape. Totally fine with that um so i i read that you were uh a walk-on tight end at the university of washington uw or husky did you ever get into a game no terrible uh i the first year because i didn't i played one year of high school football and then i was aower.
I was recruited to row at the University of Washington. And they talk about a COVID-like audience.
Nobody watches rowing. And my theory is that to make up for that, at least at the University of Washington, they used hazing and rituals to make themselves feel important.
So the freshman year, if you got into the freshman boat, the good boat, they would shave your head and your eyebrows off the whole team and then put all that hair into a pillow, which then would go into a display case with other hair pillows, which is not morbid or serial killer at all like. And then i didn't push a chair in properly and the seniors surrounded me and another freshman and they beat us up and i was like this is great what a fun fun time college is and so i was like fuck this and uh i had a couple of friends on the football team and i don't know why i did it but i they were like come out for football I'm like yeah I'm gonna do that and uh two years later uh and after I had such a good time I was not nearly very good compared to I mean Mark Bruner and Ernie Conwell were the tight ends in front of me they were on they were you know the best they were some of the best athletes I'd ever seen in my life.
So I had, I, they, they redshirted me my second year in hopes I would get like, they're like, all right, he's gotten good to a point where we're going to hold on to them. But then I, after that, I, I just, I was like, I want to be an actor.
So I, I left, but I still know a know a couple of the guys, and they're terrific. Did you, I saw the picture online.
It looked like it was in front of the Rose Bowl. Did you get to be on the sideline for a Rose Bowl? Well, I was near the sideline.
I was in a chair with the other players. That counts.
Because I was wearing the jersey without the pads, so it looked like I was injured, which I pretended I was. I was just going to limp around the Rose Bowl.
They're like, why aren't you in? I'm like, ugh, you know, calf. And so, no, it was so much fun.
And watching Napoleon Kaufman run Olympic speeds down the field was pretty wonderful. He was one of the scariest athletes I'd ever seen.
Next to Ernie Conwell, who was 21 years old. He was benching 550, squatting 850.
He was clean and jerking 365 and running a 4-5 40-yard dash. It's pretty impressive.
As a 21-year-old. That's pretty impressive.
And then after you got on the football team, I guess that's like totally outing the rowing team because then they have to row people from their boats to your game on Saturday. Yeah.
Yeah, that's partial reason why I did it, just for their taxi service. I like that.
If anybody's been to the University of Washington, you can pull a boat up to the stadium. I think it's the most picturesque stadium in all of college football.

I love watching games on TV from Washington, but the camera angles,

both for football and basketball, are the weirdest camera angles ever.

The basketball camera angle when you're watching a Washington Huskies game is insane.

I don't understand how – I'm a degenerate gambler, so these are the weird things that I notice and I stick in my head. But something about that camera angle, they have not quite – I think it's too low.
And then the football camera angle is cool because when the crowd gets really loud, it shakes, and I love that. That's like true Saturday afternoon college football.

I didn't even know the basketball thing. They should fix that because maybe that's sometimes they figured out how to shoot football and basketball games and they don't need to mess with it.
It drives me nuts. So maybe can you get on that? Like, are you part of the alumni board or something? Yeah, no, I'm part of the alumni camera angle board and I will..
It's better than it used to be because basketball at UW was very, it became very unpopular for a while and they never updated the stadium. And so it was the old stadium that had all the girders, you know, all the supports.
And so the camera would just, you just see a big support go by as the camera was following the action. I was like, what's happening? It was like Wrigley Field in 1933.
So it's all better. I saw you do the Tiger King.
What was it? After the King and I? Is that what it was called? Yeah, you kind of look like one of those guys. The post-documentary.
I feel like one of those guys. I feel like that's what I was destined to be in a different life.
But Carol was not on that show.

Did you actually get to? I don't think Carol's going to ever agree to do anything for Netflix again.

Yeah?

She's so pissed off about that?

Wouldn't you be?

Well, I mean, if I was anybody on that show, I'd probably be pissed off.

Be like, wow, I really ended up looking like a piece of shit.

I think, well, I think think some like with carol specifically good saf was like the only person that looked pretty good and then the guy that was his campaign manager and then you know jeff low even though you can tell like every time he said yeah i get into business with people and always ends badly. I'm like, that might be you.
But there, when I interviewed them, I'm like, well, they seem like nice folks, but then cut to him in jail. So I don't, with Carol, you know, obviously the, the documentary as, as it portrays her is not good.
It, I mean, she comes out looking not great, obviously. And then her husband, who, you know, with the leashes and all that at their wedding, which was, I was like, oh, this guy, this, okay.
St. Paul's fam.
But he put out a 10-minute video defending themselves. And in the video, he goes, we we were tricked we were told it was going to be this thing about tigers and they this and then they went down this path that we didn't know what they were doing absolutely they were tricked i could not agree with them more but they do not really talk about what happened to her ex-husband because if a relationship goes and somebody leaves, you hear from that person again in your life or you hear about them.
Even if that person says, if I can escape, if I can get out of here and get to Costa Rica, then I can just disappear forever. If he even said that and was alive, you'd still hear about the dude.
If the white dude shows up in Costa Rica with a bunch of money, you hear about that thing. We would have heard from him by now.
So something happened. And then the way his family was talking about her, again, was not great.
It's bizarre, though, to be – I don't know if she she was ever officially a suspect but clearly there's something there where her husband died and disappeared or whatever happened it's weird to do a documentary and be like i was tricked i can't believe they brought up the time that people think i killed my husband you'd think that that if you agreed to do the documentary you'd have to assume that was going to be brought up and talked about it. Like when she said, well, I guess in Florida, the rule is at the time, if someone if you don't hear for someone from five years, they're declared legally dead.
And then on five years and one day, she got the money. And then they asked her, was there a funeral? And she basically just said, no, I pointed and looked into looked into the sky and then some time passed and then the day was over and i was like that's the funeral yeah some time passed and i was rich and i went to the bank and got a lot of cash out in his honor like that's um that's such a florida law that if if you don't hear from somebody for five years it's like okay they're dead yeah we assume that they that they totally disappeared but yeah but as we would always say it is florida so right right and were you surprised by the backlash that you got for some of your questions i think that was the when you asked like hey joe exotic probably should be in jail and people like what we he's you know we love joe exotics like no yeah people like how dare you for asking that question about that guy we've been making fun of for the last few weeks i'm supposed to be the one that makes what yes i did not i honestly i can tell sometimes when i say something or screw up something and i'm like oh i'm coming off as a dick and now i'll probably get some shit for this but that i just asked them i was like do

you think he should be in jail that was the as hard hitting as my question was of a guy who's in jail and 19 felonies is not um a small number of felonies and then everybody including saf was like everyone said yes he should be in jail and then when staff uh he said like oh i had a great

experience And then everybody, including Saf, was like, everyone said, yes, he should be in jail. And then when Saf, he said like, oh, I had a great experience and I had no problem with Joe.
We got along great. And then I said, do you think he should be in jail? And Saf said, absolutely.
So I, yeah, I was letting them speak. I wasn't going, so Joe should be in jail.
Huh? Am I right? agree with me yeah it was very odd it's an odd backlash did you uh did you get any closer to the truth of why james garrison was working for the fbi like what exactly they had on because it can't be the lemur sale thing right no they we asked him to come on and he refused so uh he he's the guy the redhead who went uh off into the distance on the jet ski yeah doing eye of the tiger uh love that guy he refused to uh he refused he like they asked him a number of times to be on it and he was i think his last text was just stop uh because i just i need to know what what the FBI had on him because it has to be something more than like the paperwork was wrong on this one ring tailed labor because this guy was like wearing wires, putting his life online every single day. And I'm sure whatever crime he was committing was absolutely hilarious to get entrapped in that.
I would agree. But you never know when people like when the FBI shows up to your house and says, we have this on you.

You never know how people might react. And some people might have a mountain of evidence and say, no, I'm not agreeing.
And other people might hear one thing and go, oh, I probably have other things and I'll do anything I can to get out of it. I don't know.
It's a really, it's a good question. Hey, what's going on there, pal? We saw you at the hockey game on.
Do I know you guys? I'm Ryan Whitney. I got a drink named after me.
Not a big deal. Pink Whitney? That's what I thought.
See you, fellas. I invented the thing, you pigeon.
Pink Whitney for legendary moments. I read an article where you said that when you first saw the script for Community, you would cut off your pinky to be a part of it.
Would you have actually done that? Because I have made some pinky bets in my life as well. Yeah, I cut it off.
We used a prosthetic throughout the whole thing. So, yeah, no, I would have cut off not my own pinky.
Someone else's and mailed it. Yeah, someone's and mailed it to Dan.
But it was one of the best scripts that I've ever, it was the best pilot script I'd ever really read. And it was one of those ones where I thought, oh, I think I can play this character.
And I did every, the world of getting a pilot is so crazy that you can, unless you're a gigantic star at the time, there's too many factors that go into trying to get the role. And I was still a baby when I was in contention for it.
And I'm very lucky because Joe Russo and Anthony Russo and Dan, they all wanted me. And uh despite you know like network concerns and studio concerns and it goes on and on it's it's all garbledly good but uh but it I would do it yeah I would do it all over again is well is it when you're a part of something like that and you know it's special while you're in you're part of it is it weird to have it end and be like i may never have that again in my life like that might have been the peak not saying that is your peak but that might have been the peak of enjoyable and success yeah i mean for the difficult task of first of all getting a pilot which is still to this day for me, difficult to get.
I mean,

they're not, it's not just, oh, here's another pilot go. I mean, there's also a lot of crap out there, but, uh, but to get a pilot, to actually get it picked up, then to actually be on the air, then to get out of your first season and get picked up for a second season again is like hitting two hole-in-ones in a row.

And so we knew the scripts were great. And, uh, and I was always so happy when I would read them because I have been at a many table reads where scripts are a mess and you start, you read it on like a Monday and you realize you're going to be shooting in a week.
And then you go, oh, no, they have so much work to do on this thing. And that just never was the case with anything for community except for season four.
And so we all knew we all we all really liked each other. We got along great.
And that if you guys watched any of that community table reader, we all really we are on a text text chain and we, so we still talk to each other. And that is not the way that it, from what I understand how it usually goes.
But, but the other way it happens is like, I've been in movies where you have this beginning, middle and ending like, Oh, this three months is going to be with this small family and it's really great. And then it's over.
Whereas community was six years. Yeah.
When you were auditioning for that, was, was there any additional pressure on yourself? Were you nervous in that? Like more nervous than you usually would be because you liked it so much? Um, the really intimidating time, like when I was with Joe and Anthony and Dan, uh, the creator, I was not nervous because those guys had my back. And they kind of said, you're the guy.
Now we're just going to work with you. And that was great.
So I didn't have that pressure. When you get into these network tests, which are the worst, again, this is inside baseball stuff, but it's the worst way to audition for anything

because you're auditioning in someone's office at like NBC or CBS. And there's 15 executives that are taking a break from their lunch so they can watch some actor in their friend's office act with a couple other actors.
And so it's totally unnatural. roll.
It would be like you guys doing the the uh your show from i don't know like 50 uh like 50 feet below uh in in cold water so you'd have to figure it anyway it's just a terrible play so the first time i read in front of all those executives with then there's four other guys that are going up for the role that are all sitting in the hallway uh You go up, you do it. So then they came out to me and they said, okay, so you did not get it.
And I'm like, oh, no. And then they're like, so come back in.
We're going to put you on tape. And then we're going to show them the tape.
And then so that next day I finally got the word that I had gotten it. But I sat in that fucking room and then they're like, yep, sorry.
Uh, and, uh, I, I got to a point where with network tests, cause I had done a couple of them, I'd walk in and see all the executives and be like, boy, you guys gain weight fast. And I would just have to insult them somehow, or it'd be like, eh, fuck this.
And you know, I'd have to kind of undercut them to make myself feel better about what was about to happen would you ever is there ever mind games or shit talking in the hallway with the other people that are going for a role i have never experienced that i hear i heard people do do that i knew a guy that got super high during, while he was waiting, or he showed up high to relax himself. And then he became very hungry.
Then he went and the thing was, because these things can take 10 hours sometimes. And so he was eating constantly.
And I think they told him one of the reasons why he got the role, because it was like, we kept coming out and you just kept eating. And it was like for the role of someone like an Italian family, like that's what my family's like.
So he got the role. And that person played Don Corleone.
I love it. That's how Marlon Brando spent like the last 20 years of his life.
When you were auditioning for Ted, was Mark Wahlberg just like, hey, take your shirt off. Let's play some basketball.
I did not have to audition for Ted. So that was a blessing.
Because I rarely get things just out of auditioning. It's always like a friend of a friend.
But no, I did see him. I met him.
We did like a reading in Boston. And that was the first time I saw him up close.
And I was like, dear Lord, how was your workout? And he really is a he looks like I don't know, he looks like Schwarzenegger. And I'm a big guy.
And I'm like, Lord, what kind of what is your arms routine, my friend? It's very intimidating. He's a very nice guy, though.
What was harder, hosting the White House correspondent dinner or the ESPYs? Oh, the White House correspondence dinner. Really? By a mile.
Oh, yeah. Because the ESPYs, when you really look at it, I mean, the ESPYs has all sorts of pressure and all a thousand different things to think about.
But when it really comes down to it, it's five minutes of jokes at the top. And that's what they really base it on.
Like, that's the kind of like the moment where you're like, that's where everything has to work for the rest of the show to go okay. So that's an intense pressure, that first five five minutes like you got to really nail that and make sure the jokes are good whereas the white house correspondence dinner is a whole other that's almost 20 minutes of straight jokes plus you've got the president opening for you and uh and uh obama was a very very good joke teller,

and he worked on it.

So it was, you knew you were going up against somebody

who was very, very good,

and you're in a room with people,

first of all, like the first few rows

look like a wax museum of famous people.

You're like, why is Andrew Luck sitting next to De Niro?

There's Russell Wilson,

and there's, you know know it'd be like Warren

Beatty and his wife so what uh so it's very odd uh and then it's full of Democrats and Republicans so when you tell a Democrat joke the Republicans laugh but they don't laugh too hard because they don't want to seem like they're too and then the same thing so so everyone's reaction when it's somewhat edgy is just,

Ooh,

and that's really a great way to do comedy.

Uh, thing so so everyone's reaction when it's somewhat edgy is just oh and that's really a great way to do comedy uh so i just pretend i was like you guys sound like you're on a roller coaster and so that was i don't think i've ever been more nervous and i have never been nervous since so So as far as that level, I think I burnt out that.

Like when I did the ESPYs, I was like, oh, I'm not really nervous because I burnt out that fuse, that wire that was connecting because I was like, I'll never... I went swimming with sharks with the Discovery Channel last year and they were nervous about every actor being nervous and I was like, don't worry.
I don't have it anymore. I've lost that ability.
And so I'd be nervous if I had to like say a poem at a wedding where these people are getting married or something. And I didn't want to screw that up because it's a one-time thing.
But I don't, I'm not, yeah, I've not been nervous since. But yeah, that's the most.
Also, it's the days leading up to the White House because you're doing all these interviews then you go meet the president you're doing all this stuff and the last thing you're doing is preparing your jokes so anyway i just talked for a long time and i'd like to apologize no it got it got on so long that a foot has appeared in the shot and then just disappeared oh yeah that's what's hank no i i always just the reason I ask is because the ESPYs always seem like a hard gig because you have to make fun of people that aren't in on, athletes don't get made fun of, and also you're on ESPN, so you can't really be edgy, and you have to, it has to be kind of family friendly, so I always thought that was a very hard thing to walk that line of being funny and entertaining, but also under all these restrictions that most standup comedians or hosts don't have. Yeah.
No, I would agree with that. And I was told by, I think I asked Rob Riggle, who had hosted it.
I was like, tell me about it. He's like, don't worry about the first 10 rows.
Cause the, as you said, like, he's like, it's just a bunch of athletes. They're all wearing sunglasses and they're all hyper competitive.
Right. And you're like, you said, they're not necessarily the fun, the, the, have a sense of humor.
So it was like, don't worry about them. Worry about everybody behind them.
And, and uh we put in a couple jokes that worked like we said Steph Curry is here tonight and we had hired a 10-year-old boy to sit in his seat in a seat because he's so much smaller than everybody in the NBA and they were like and coach Steve Kerr is right behind him and then it was like another red-headed 10-year-old boy behind him so that that worked in the audience and that kind of broke the ice but uh yeah that was that was uh good times i actually do it again i actually wrote jokes for that monologue for that sp show oh did i use some no i just i so i actually watched it last night because i thought that you used some um i was overseas when the show actually happened so i didn't get to watch it live and somebody told me that you had used one of my jokes uh but yeah you i can't believe that you turned down this great one right here uh hey the houston texans are on hard knocks this year that's what america needs a rocky style montage of jj watt catching fish in an icy river with his dick and flipping a hundred pound tractor tires using only his positive attitude and then then I made a joke about where was the joke? I, that was the joke. That was a joke.
I sped through it to ignore the punchline. And then I like it, how it has two punchlines.
There's a punchline. There's a pack.
There's an unusable punchline in the middle of the joke. And then you end kind of, well, all of my Peter at the end, all of my jokes, I'm looking through them right now Were completely unusable for a Disney audience Like there was this one It was right after when Chip Kelly Got accused of being racist by LaShawn McCoy So I was like, hey, Chip Kelly If he only liked white people How come he chose football As his profession? That's like if Rex Ryan Quit the bills to coachcar pastore's so little foot joke there from the double amputee um that one didn't make it a guy who shot and killed his wife very and at that point it was very recently yeah yeah so again everyone's mind but that's when it kills not no pun intended but that's when it kills everyone remembers it remembers it.
You know, those are really great jokes.

Thank you.

And I'll definitely think about them for the future.

Yeah.

Okay.

Why were you overseas?

You sound like you were in the service?

Yeah, I was serving.

So you were serving and submitting jokes?

Yes.

That's great.

I was doing multiple things.

I was not serving.

That's stolen valor.

Big cat just entrapped me into doing. He was just high in Amsterdam.
No, I was getting drunk in Barcelona. Oh, that sounds about the same as serving in the military.
Well, thank you for your service. Thank you.
Happy to do it. That's big time.
Hey, it worked out. It did.
God bless the broken road. Yeah.
I have a question about the soup, soup which i love yes what what when you guys put together that show every week uh would you watch this like the shows or would you have someone would there be a whole staff that watch it then gave you uh like the best of like here's what we're doing or would you participate in weeding through all the clips Well, when we first started the show, there was only six of us total.

And... Like, here's what we're doing.
Or would you participate in weeding through all the clips? Well, when we first started the show, there was only six of us total. And we had to watch basically every hour of television on every channel that we could all do.
So when I first started, it was all the time watching television to the point where my wife was like, you need to stop watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition. It's going to kill you.
And I was like, no, I just have to watch one more. And then as things started working and we could hire more people, if we could delegate the different shows, and that took the pressure off me and a couple of the writers.
But yes, we we would come together into a room and select clips everyone would bring clips and uh you had to bring like i don't know like 10 clips it was always between like people would bring like two and 10 clips a meeting and the meetings were every day and we would just select every day and as we got closer to show time we would get rid of a bunch and then new ones would show up. And then when community hit, I basically had no time to watch anything because our hours were nuts.
So the producers would come to my trailer at Paramount with laptops and show me the clips. And we'd go through the scripts in between setups for communities because I had no time.
I tried to keep up with what was happening, like with The Bachelor or Bachelachelorette or something but uh yeah that was we and that was and we had vcrs when that began oh man so we had just mountains of vcr tapes trying to keep track of everything so i asked that because i think you need to donate your brain to science uh because what reality television does to our brains is fascinating to me. And would be a great case study like hey this is how i actually think we're we're we're we started as bloggers and we have something similar where we've lived on the internet for so many years and consumed so much internet that our brains have been warped and poisoned to a point where there's no coming back from it i I think you have something similar with TV.
I would agree. Have you noticed that? Like, have you ever noticed something happening? You're like, Oh yeah, I'm, I'm completely jaded or this is fake or I can't watch, I can't watch this anymore.
Cause I know how it's made. Yeah, no, it's difficult.
I never, and they're wildly popular. All the housewives shows and even the kardashians who actually are really nice people uh but that stuff's all scripted out and it's all you know it's all planned there's not like where there no one goes uh well let's go to no boo for lunch oh my gosh there's my arch enemy i cannot believe they're here and hold on are you saying that chris jenner yeah she's scripting this stuff out wait and she has a plan you're telling me that on the housewives when they do that one episode every year where they all go on vacation together and get really drunk getting a big fight that's planned i i hate to it sounded like you said you had a very like savvy jaded mind but i hate to tell you this it's planned dude um i just never

well what i I hate to, it sounded like you said you had a very like savvy jaded mind, but I hate to tell you this. It's planned, dude.
I just never, well, what I didn't get, I was like, why doesn't everyone else see this? Why doesn't everyone else, does no one care? And I think that same thing kind of happened in reverse with Tiger King, where people kept going, aren't these characters funny? And I was like, they right but this is yeah that's what i think that's why we love reality television because we get to watch it and say oh well at least we're not them at least we're not drunk fighting you know in the hamptons every summer or at least we don't own these tigers and kill our you know husband and all this stuff like we we judge ourselves judge ourselves. Like we could be shitty people, but we're not that.
I think there's two different, yeah, there's the, there's the, I'm glad I'm not, you know, I'm glad I'm not on like, I'm glad I'm not Flava Flav on that crazy show he was on or whatever. Like, isn't this a constant train wreck? And then there's the aspirational ones like the Kardashians where where they go i wish i had that life right so i think there's two versions and i think the housewives is in the oh they're so rich and crazy that boy it's a crazy world and it's kind of fun and so i think there is a there is an element of like oh i would never do that but people love it and i don't like but again going

back to tiger king was like people like isn't it isn't it funny all those characters and i was like that character had their arm eaten off for real yes that was not a this is not a game of thrones episode so this that saf really had his arm eaten off so um that yes that's what that yeah So I believe my brain, yes, I agree.

My brain's real.

So, but for the record, the Kardashians, is there any part of it that's real? Some of that stuff's got to be real. I think there is a very set plan and then some real things happen.
And then Kanye gets too high and fucks everything up. And then they have to like adjust on the fly.
How much is Kanye in it? Not much. Yeah, I don't think he...
I think the ripple effects from Kanye probably exist in it at some times. He can mess up some plans, I'll tell you that much.
I'm sure, yes, if anybody does, it would be him. I had one last ESPYs question.
When you hosted, did LeBron make you run all your jokes about him by him before ESPN would let it go on the air? No, no, no. We didn't.
I, no, I never even met him at the. What's that red dot on your forehead right now? What the, oh, this? No, well, that's a lazy.
I mean, it's a different. Got it.
Yeah, no, I didn't have to do. No, I didn't have to run my jokes by any athletes.
So I'm sure some of them weren't happy with them, but they were nice. But if you did, it probably would have been LeBron.
Probably. There it is.
We got him. I don't know.
We got him. Yeah, or Oscar Pistorius.
Let's just say, yeah. Okay, I ran all my jokes by LeBron.
Probably want to run one by him, too. Yes.
Well, this has been awesome, Joel. We really appreciate it.
The Darkest Timeline, you can go listen. Who do you have on this week since you're taking our job in podcasting? Oh, well, this week we just – today we made it part of the podcast, but the Community Table Read.
Okay. And then it looks like we're going to get Pedro Pascal, was in the community table reading who's also the Mandalorian so but I yeah a little can't confirm it because he's not it's not like I mean Ken and I are booking it so it's not I mean he we have a tentative plan so that could fall through a little podcasting tip for you you always ask that like who do you have on this week and then we're going to hold this interview for a month to make you look like a fool.

Oh, well played.

Well, that's what you're walking on now to our turn.

You're addicted to walking on places. Yeah.

Also, a little podcasting trick for you.

When I do other podcasts, I always bring an ad with me.

Start bringing an ad with you.

Oh, you mean like Bud Light Seltzer?

Yeah.

If you have an ad, just throw out your own promo takes. And that way it just carries over.
All right. These are tricks of the trade.
If you have any other questions, we can answer them for you real quick. Well, look, Donnie's Durable Supply in Van Nuys, California is one of my favorite Durable Supply.
You and Richard Deere. Yeah, it's a big Hollywood thing.
Yeah, it's where everybody puts them there. Favorite pizza shop that you go eat pizza at too? LBK Pizza in Studio City is the best pizza on the planet from Brooklyn all the way to here.
Where are you guys located right now? New York. Manhattan.
And how is it there? Awesome. It's great if you don't like things.
Yeah. If you like nobody in – Actually, if you like no one in the city of New York, it is awesome, which I do like nobody in the city of New York.
Oh, how fast could I drive up Fifth Avenue right now? Very fast. I live in Brooklyn and I drive and it takes me 12 minutes to get into basically Madison Square Garden.
And that took you how long before? 35. Like right now where I sit, same thing.
To get to downtown LA, right now if I left pre-COVID, 40 minutes. And now it's 11.
That's crazy. How's the 405? See, it is a runway.
It is wide open. That's nuts.
I have a pretty fast sports car and I have been pushing it uh the cops have just started showing up again so i can't push it the way i used to but it was really fun out there for a moment yeah here that's the it's like mad max you don't even have to pay attention to stop lights it's pretty sweet right now the only i know it's been really rough in new york and a lot of people got sick and all that but when I think about all those closed restaurants, it just makes me so sad. Yes.
Yes. Yes.
We'll get back though. And you could listen to Joel McHale The Darkest Timeline for some positivity.
For some positivity and science. Yes.
Thank you, Joel. We really appreciate it, man.
Thanks for having me, you guys. You guys are very nice.
Yeah. Oh, wow.
Very thoughtful. Thank you, Joel.
who's next on your show we have the undertaker do you have any questions for the undertaker he must be very busy yeah hockey is on and no matter the city no matter the team no matter the city, no matter the team, no matter the game, whether it's face-off

or penalty shots, regular season or playoffs, win or lose, no matter what happens, no matter

where it happens, New Amsterdam Vodka is there.

And now, Dungeons & Dragons.

Okay, it is that time.

Every two weeks, we are picking up our Dungeons & Dragons campaign

with our Dungeon Master, Tim Woods. The fantastic Tim Woods.
Tim. Hey, how's it going? Great to have you back.
I think that, let's just say that not only do our listeners, but I'd say ourselves as well, we need a recap of what's going on. So pretend like we know, but no one else knows.
So to the people because we obviously know who we are right well for sure of course as your dungeon master in dungeon dragons part of what i always do is a little bit of a recap to get us started and last time we had gotten our adventure off to a great foot because we had made it into the town of greenest where our caravan that we were all guarding had kind of been pulling up to, only to discover that the village of Greenest was under attack. We have arrived just in time to do something, if we choose.
We were really on the fence, getting ready to decide at the end of last time exactly to what degree we were going to help this poor village that is currently by all accounts being attacked by these red-robed cultists that we have positively identified as the cult of the dragon, a kind of obsessive group of dragon-worshipping cultists that have apparently attacked this town with all of their 200 kobold minions and all of our adventuring party here, which consists of Norm the Barbarian, Wayne, our Dwarven Bard, Erlik, our Gnome Warlock, and Berserker Billy, the Goliath Cleric, a War Priest, as I believe we had established last time. Nice, nice.
After pulling into the village, we had discovered not only was it under attack, we had run into a group in a barn of four kobolds, and after eliminating very quickly and easily three of the kobolds, the final kobold we had gotten to surrender to us, and he warned us, this kobold who we have been kind of going between different names for, We have named him alternatively Reek, Bob Costas. And in theory, he's got a name.
He just hasn't told us his name. Bob Costas, yeah.
We could always ask if we care. No, I like Bob Costas.
He's short. Yeah.
Wait, and so we ate the other ones, right? We ate them? In theory, we've got them ready to go. It's up to us whether we're making a campfire next door, whether we're heading to something maybe more urgent.
Since the town is under attack at the moment, we could decide that laying low and making a campfire and resting while the town continues to get attacked is something we could do. But now with Rick or Bob as our minion kind of having warned us that not only is this cult showed up here in force, they are here for the money that they can squeeze out of this village.
And they've also figured out they have brought something big with them, something they call the scion wrath. And at this point, looking out from the barn, we'd be aware of two things.
We'd be looking and we'd be seeing that there's the castle, the little, little keep up on a hill that's at the centerpiece of this village. And it does seem like there are cultists maybe starting to gather around that castle.
We're also hearing screams from a temple kind of on the outskirts of town, a little country temple by the river that looks like it is surrounded and smoke is rising from it but

there's many screams coming from that temple as well so that that's a kind of our recap of what's happened in our adventure and what's going on right now we're looking out of a barn but we can do whatever we want wait one little point here bob costas didn't he tell us something important right before we stopped?

What did he tell us?

He had warned us that

when he was taking orders from the cult he had warned us the cult's plans were to follow the orders of their high priestess frulem mondap and gather around the castle that's right but since we're his friends uh he said we should run for they have have brought a monster, a great and terrible enemy, called the Sionwrap. You should only let Bob Costas talk to us during his little halftime soliloquies, during battles.
He gets to break in for five minutes. As the war priest, I think I have to do a little ritual with Bob Costas.
What do you mean? Do you want to haze him? Yes. To ensure his loyalty, can we haze him? Can we update his abilities by doing some rituals, like upgrade him? What I want to let you do, Warpriest, is first of all, you know that some of the magic you have at your disposal does boost people.
You can give him guidance, which would give him a little boost on his next skill check, but I'll let you roll the die right now, and we'll add your religion bonus, which will be like a plus two. If you roll really well, maybe Bob will be feeling even more impressed.
I'm going to roll this. Billy has cast a ten.
Sweet. You got a ten, and you add a plus two to that.
With a twelve, he's looking really invigorated. He said all of the prayers to your Goliath war god that you would be saying.
But he doesn't seem like he's any boosted. He's not more proficient.
He waves his dagger and then he drops it. He goes, one second, one second.
All right, so you failed, Billy. No, no, no.
You failed. You failed.
All right, so what are we, Tim, what are our options right now? What can we do? Absolutely, we could start heading towards the castle where it looks like cultists are heading and Bob had let us know that that does Seem like it's their goal in the end There's also that temple that looks like it was surrounded where there were like screams coming from there I could also like interrogate Bob some more get some more answers out I feel like whatever we feel like we need to do. I feel like it's it's enough talk.
Let's push some action. Let's push.
You want to go to Temple? You want to go to the Temple? Let's push. You don't want to go to the castle and see a dragon? I think we could go to Castle and say, fuck this shit up.
There's a dragon right there, man. Yeah.
All right, let's go to the Castle. Let's seduce the people.
Let's go to the Castle, Tim. Where's the scion wrath? Do we know what that is? Bob will very quickly say, if you're saying this out loud, he says, going to be by castle soon.
And he's kind of looking like he's expecting the Sion Wrath to be there anyway. Let's go.
I'm about that action. I want that action.
Let's go to the castle. Absolutely.
For sure. Now, as we start to head in the direction of the castle, What if some of us don't want to go to the castle and there's a fight between us? Do you want to kill Hank? Can we kill Hank? No, I won't.
I'm not going to kill Hank. He's already talking about deserting.
I'm just curious how it would go if there was like, we all didn't agree we wanted to go to the castle. What's the options? It would be a real shame if you were to try to leave us right now.
Alright, Tim, tell us what what we can do. All right, all right, shut up.
Let Tim say.

I'd say this.

Some parties, like, put it up to a vote or have some kind of agreement,

but at the same time,

you can always split the party

and go in different directions if you want to.

But I would say it's traditionally held

in Dungeons & Dragons

that that's a risky thing to do.

You never have to work together,

but it's usually better to work together.

I'll tell you what, Hank,

if you want to leave, if that's something that you think is a good thing to do, then by all means. I was just curious.
Okay, we're going to the castle. I want to fucking kill you right now.
Which castle? You're being a bitch. I want to kill you.
In real life and in Dungeons and Dragons. Sometimes one person who wants to go in one direction can be like, I'm actually going to go scout that out while you all do that.
And like, I'll rejoin you at some point. Maybe they have their own motives for going off and checking that temple out.
No, I'm rolling with. Just remember.
Remember this, PFT. It's in my memory right now.
Before we go to the castle, real quick question. Do we have any sort of distance weapon with us? If we were to send our little Bob Costas guy and have him spy on somebody, can we also monitor him and shoot him if he tries to defect? Yes, we would have many ranged options that are availability for eliminating Bob should he look like he's going to betray us at any moment.
More importantly, he knows we have those options, so that makes him much less likely to betray us. Even if we're far away, he's still going to be afraid of us.
Okay, of okay can you remind him real quick just remind him remind bob that we'll fuck him up if he pulls a hank absolutely with it would that be the bard kind of reminding him yeah yeah remind him i'll send a song of vengeance to him yes okay we just want to make some bows at our disposal and and as we run through this town, it's looking like there's combat happening all around us. Not so much combat as townsfolk getting chased, really.
But we're seeing red robed figures and kobolds breaking into and out of buildings. But it seems like it's just too much.
We could stop if we want to, like, mess with any of these people. But there's a lot of different groups causing chaos around here.
As we start to worry about combat, I do just want to go down and let us know some of our combat abilities as we start to worry about these threats. I want to let our barbarian know that if we get into combat, you're going to have the ability to enter a barbarian rage.
And rage gives you extra damage, but it also means when weapons hit you, they just kind of bounce right off of you. You take half damage when you're raging.
You don't care. You're just smashing through things instead.
Okay. That's hard.
Yeah. When you get into combat, the bard, you have some weapons like a bow to shoot Bob with.
You also have a sword, but mainly you'd also have spells like illusion magic and enchanting magic uh the other thing you can do is give inspiration to your allies and that can give them little boosts to combat that they get to decide when they use your i'm like a strength and conditioning coach perfect so you you are literally like a coach in some ways you're cheering people on and they just get boosts to their roles and uh h, the Warlock Ehrlich, you have one main attack thing that you would do in combat. Run backwards.
You have Eldritch Blast. And Eldritch Blast is you summoning like a ball of...
It can look like fire or just like weird energy, but it deals magical damage that usually nothing is immune to. And when you launch it at people, it can hurt them for a lot.
And that's called your eldritch blast like a kame kame kame keha it is exactly you are like launching a blast don't worry about it it's a hadouken no no no and uh the cleric while a lot of what you will do is uh your magic is very focused on healing and boosting your allies At the same time time, you do have attack spells. You can throw sacred flames at people, and you have one powerful attack spell called Guiding Bolt.
It's like a laser bolt that's fire out of your hand. I have a question for Billy real quick.
Do I not fight? No, I have a question for Billy real quick. Billy, on a scale of 1 to 10, how jealous are you of me? Dude, I'm about to cause an insurrection on you.
Like, seriously. You want to be me.
Can I cuck him of the alpha spot? No. I'm a Goliath.
I'm a Goliath. I'm going to put my Goliath dick on the table and cuck him.
I'm literally the berserker blood guy. You are a berserker.
No, wait, wait. What the fuck? Can Big Cat's character donate plasma in high quantities? Billy, you've been looking fat

and you probably should stay back.

Human meat shield.

We're good to go.

We're good to go. That was just some internal strife.

We just had to get that out.

We're good.

I would let us know that we're well aware

both the barbarian and the cleric, to be fair,

can take a hit for sure.

Those are our two front-line characters. Tim, that was really nice of you to make Billy feel better.
I just want to let you know that I do feel obligated to also throw out there that technically the human barbarian is very big, but the Goliath would be a little taller than the human barbarian. That's nice.
Good job. Way to make him feel big.
All right, so let's do it. What do we do next? And as you're charging towards the castle, you are seeing these groups.
And if you don't stop to fight them, they don't seem to stop to fight you. But as you're heading towards the castle, one group is blocking our route.
And just as it seems like these red-robed figures, they've drawn scimitars and they're starting to maybe point them at us.

But they're also looking like, maybe I just want to rob this cottage instead of messing with these two huge people and other individuals coming charging at the castle. As they look like they're hesitating, suddenly one of them turns around and is a woman with a golden mask on.
This figure has a golden hem to her robes,

and the golden mask that she's wearing

seems to have tendrils that come off of it.

One tendril sweeps up,

two form horns going off like this,

and then two sweep around in these cool arcs.

But it's a very elaborate,

pretty expensive look.

Is that the queen?

She sounds important to me.

She looks important.

You know what I want to do? I want to take these fuckers out and impress the queen with our battle abilities. Okay.
And as she turns, she goes, aha! And the red-robed figures seem to turn and look at what she's saying. And she says, it seems we have interlopers, interference.
They have wealth that shall feed the dragon queen's horde. After them, my children.
And it looks like six cultists are converging on our position right now. And she starts to wave her hands like she's getting ready to cast a spell.
But they're taking some time to get to us. We would get to go first.
And if we go through in just the order I have us, Norm the Barbarian, I have you go first. I like this.
What would you like to do? Attack, right? I have an idea. Well, no, we have to attack.
I have an idea of how we could attack him. What? So you can go berserker, right? Yeah.
Wait, say that again? Big Cat can go berserker. Big Cat's character has the ability to go berserker.
I have the ability to talk somebody up. Can I talk you into going berserker? Yeah.
I'm like Draymond Green, and he's KD, and I'm just going, pump me up, and then I'll go at him. So here's what I'm going to say.
This would happen on your turn, but let's say you're doing it right now. You're giving him bardic inspiration.
You give him bardic inspiration. Then what you get is a little boost whenever you want to add it to one of your roles and the best time is to use it is if you got close but not quite a success you can be like i'm calling upon my bardic inspiration and you like think back to that moment when the dwarven bard said what do you say to him to encourage him what do you say to him that is the encouraging bardic inspiration it's going to be something that he'll remember code word i need a code or just like go get donuts tiger donuts i don't know how about go nuts for donuts it can it can be it could even be you just playing a song for him and that encourages him but that's how bars let's rip oh let's rip all right good all right let's rip and now on any d20 roll that you want you're going to get a little boost if you invoke your bar to conspiration but it's after you roll you don't have to decide until after okay so you run in you swing at one of the red robed cultists is that right yeah so i gotta i gotta roll right absolutely So I assume you rage first.
Is that right? Yes. I'm a rage first.
Rage first.

I know. Is that right? Yeah.
So I got to roll, right? Absolutely. So I assume you rage first.
Is that right? Yes. I'm going to rage first.
Rage first after you ask questions later. Okay.
Absolutely. And you roll a d20 and add plus five for your great sword attack.
19! Here we go! Hell yes! Let's fucking go! Rage! So you still have the bardic inspiration. You do definitely not need to use it right now.
Because you just got a 24. You slashed this guy, and I'm going to roll your damage for you right now.
You cleave this cultist right in two. Yes! And I'm like, I'll deal with this.
Holy shit! And he just gets sliced right in half diagonally. Boom.
And the other five all look at us like, no, no, no, no no no no no and they start to back up but some of them look like they're like nah they're i'll lunge forward maybe take a stab at that barbarian good thing you're raging now if they do hell yes they cap damage yeah that was a great turn learn something billy watch and learn and then wayne you use your bonus action at this point to inspire the barbarian and then retroactively and then you got your action still what would you like to do? I want to let you know you have a sword and a crossbow let's say that you could use that's what dwarves would use you use a crossbow but if you don't want to use your weapons you also have magic that you could do as a bard. One spell is vicious mockery.
You insult someone so badly that they take psychic damage from how bad your burn is. And they get disadvantage on their next attack.
Or if you really want to take somebody out, the spell hideous laughter makes them just start laughing uncontrollably. And they drop their weapons and shit and to the ground laughing.
So I like to tickle them to death option. I also just like roasting somebody so badly that their brain starts to eat itself.
I feel like should I roast the lady with the weird hair and the braids and stuff. I feel like if I make fun of her hair, she's just going to crumble.
She's got the mask with all the tendrils coming off it. It looks very expensive.
And she looks like she is very egotistical. Like she wants to be in charge here.
If you use vicious mockery against her, she's probably going to be very mad. Yeah.
Can I say to her, Hey, that's a cool mask. Does it come in your size? Boom.
Nice. You can tell it doesn't quite fit her exactly.
It goes to adjust it. I'm giving her disadvantage on her saving throw, and she needs to roll.
Already she's doing bad. Yes, she's definitely failing that saving throw.
And she goes, you would say that. And her mask falls off.
Oh, yeah. Pick it up off the ground, and she looks very foolish in front of all of her teammates.
You just dealt three

points of psychic damage to her.

I'm going to say she bonked her head

while trying to, like she stumbles and

hits her head on a rock while trying to find

your mask. And the next thing

she tries to do will have disadvantage

because you used division marks.

That was good. Make fun of her hair.

Say like, hey, I didn't know there was a sports

clips around here. That's pretty good too.
If I'm making fun of her, does that mean that she kind of likes me now because I've done a good job of nagging her? So she's got low self-esteem? She might have low self-esteem. She doesn't seem to like you anymore.
And in fact, she is targeting you, Bard, with whatever she does next. I mean, she likes me.
It's like in kindergarten when a girl pinches you. Point of order, Tim.
Are there love scenes in Dungeons & Dragons? The answer to that is there can be if you want. Okay, no.
We want to keep it. No.
Billy, chill out. Bob, send a note.
I control all the NPCs here, so it's really your call. Okay.
You have definitely gotten her quite upset at you, Bard. you're going to be her next victim with whatever magic throws her way but you insulted her so badly vicious mockery gives her disadvantage on any attack role so she'll be fumbling and stumbling got it she's neutralized cool okay all right so what do we do next and then that would bring us to erlik's turn next and then berserker billy will be up and then the cultists and this acolyte leader are going to go and so Ehrlich you can certainly fire an Eldritch Blast Hank lost his die which I think was on purpose because he doesn't want to be in a fight be more obvious Hank that you don't want to be here right now.
You'd rather be at the temple. I had it earlier.

Okay.

Man.

I'll see you back, Hank.

Yeah, he's got it.

He's got it.

So what does he got to do?

What does he got to roll?

If you want to go on the offense, you want to do Eldritch Blast probably,

roll a D20 plus five.

But you can do whatever you want, and I just want to let you know

you might have some mind-influencing magic,

and as a warlock you'd also be very persuasive for talking with people i i just want to make sure you know all your options as it were and do you mean by people do you mean my enemies or my teammates uh you are good persuasive with all kinds of people you are very charismatic and good at negotiating with your friends and your enemies but you also have magic such as charm person that's one in in the old game. You use it against the goblin to good effect, and that can turn enemies to maybe at least become nonviolent, if not turn to your side.
That's good. I mean, that's what we want here.
All right. What do I need to roll? What do I need to roll? Prepare yourself.
Is that charm person that you're thinking of doing or Eldritch Blast? Charm person. Charm person that's spelled to him.
Who are you trying to cast it on? One of the cultists or on the acolyte, the leader who's trying to get her mask right now? One of the cultists. One of the cultists.
Because if you can turn the head of the cult, then you become the head of the cult. So you said if you want to turn the head of the cult, are you trying to get the leader here or just one of the six cultists who are working for her? Oh, because it's, I guess one of the six cultists.
We'll just get one of them and then we'll convert her friends. It seems like they're probably easier to get control of and to influence.
And I'll roll for one of the cultists. There is a cultist who looks like he's definitely a half orc of some kind, it looks like.
And kind of like he's the closest to you, so if you're just targeting the closest cultist, he kind of looks at you and then starts to crack a smile. And he says, oh, hold on.
And in common, he's saying, hold on. This guy, I know this guy.
Oh, hold on. This gnome is...
And he starts laughing. Hey, don't I know you? And what are you saying to him, Ehrlich? I don't know you.
Seems like that worked. Wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hank knows this guy? Hank knows this guy.
This guy knows Hank. Johnny Ola.
This is Godfather, too. Hank, what do you mean you don't...
How did you know him? How does this guy know him? No, no. It's his magic.
I know it's you, Hank. It's my magic.
Is he like, oh, I must have one of those faces. He those faces.
Oh, I haven't seen you in a while, Hank. Interesting.
Okay. It's my magic, right? It's just my...
It is just your magic that you make him think that he knows you. You know that you're influencing his mind, but to be fair, you're the only one who knows that right now.
His teammates, the cultists, are confused, and it sounds like your teammates are also a little... Not surprising.
Not surprising from them. They don't understand the deep magic.
You can use part of your move to talk to this cultist, this half-orc cultist you've got control of. Did you want to ask him anything? Or say anything to him? Where are the rest? What was that? Where are the rest? Where are the rest? He kind of gestures that the that the four standing cult is still around him and the acolyte who's trying to pick up her mask and he says, and the rest are all gathering at the castle soon.
Great job, Hank. We didn't learn anything.
Are you here to help us? It was a terrible move. That was a good job, Tim.
Thank you for playing along with Hank's terrible question. Hey, where is everyone else? Are they at the temple or the castle? Can I ask if I can join them? When you say, can I, you say that, can I join you? Yeah.
Like, hey. Hold on, everyone.
The gnomes with us. The gnomes with us.
And he starts to say that. And now say that and now erlich you know this none of these cultists even the the leader because she's confused the acolyte she's confused so she's not even gonna attack you none of them are gonna attack you until they figured out what's going on here eventually they might figure out that somebody's under a charm person spell now do you say anything to clarify to your teammates what's going on? No, fuck them.
They've been haters since the jump. I've been ready to get rid of them, so I'm happy to move on to this new cult.
Wait, so you're in the cult now? Yeah. No, shut up.
You're part of us. You cannot.
Billy, the cult is fun. The cult is fun.
We'll fire you in real life. Billy, is he my boss? Is he my boss? If you join the cult, Billy, you can go berserker mode.
Time out. Go berserker mode.
Time out. Time out.
Time out. I'm calling a time out.
There are two things that are going on right now. We're playing Dungeons & Dragons with Tim and Billy in real life.
If you betray me in PFT, you're fired. Is that not part of the game? Are they my boss? Are they my boss in real life? Not in the game.
In real life. I life only enforce things that happen in the game world i have no power billy you know what you should do you should totally try to do the exact same thing that big cat did really well earlier because i'm sure you'll be just as good yeah she's trying to go fucking rage you should try to go rage mode i'm just saying billy if you want to go rage mode the cult will have you and you can rage mode whenever you want can i can we will fire you in real life can i meet queen? In real life.
This is not the queen. I think we've established that the lady with a stone mask.
She's like a local. She's a capo.
And PFT already fucking roasted her, dude. What are you going to do? Okay, okay.
What is Billy's options? What are my options? Give me some options. Your turn right now.
So you've got, as a cleric, you have some attack spells like guiding bolt that laser beam and sacred flame you've got some boosting spells that buff your friends your allies and healing magic otherwise you've got your war hammer um you don't have much in the way of mind control magic at the moment oh you have one spell that could mind control people command is you shout one word and they have to like halt or flee or something like that. Do an almost.
Yeah. And then you've got your Warhammer.
Your trusty Warhammer. Okay, okay.
Attack them. Let's do some negotiations.
So Hank's on the evil side. No.
No, he's just ingratiating himself with them. He's a spy.
Why don't you attack them? Attack Hank? No, attack the fucking little shits that we keep kicking their ass. They're about to attack us back, Billy.
No, but aren't they like emaciated? No. Give us a status update.
You're only not attacking Ehrlich at the moment. Ehrlich, we need you.
How closely related are orcs to Goliaths? Well, half orcs and Gliaths aren't related to each other but they do occupy the same environment mountains are we chill probably means they fight oh okay all right he's gonna fight i want to go i want to go respect each other they respect uh you know what they really respect is violence yes all right fuck them up i want to do just like what's like my best move right now is a war priest I want to get physical with them. You want to use the hammer.
Yeah, can I use the hammer? Throw some hands. You could use the hammer You could throw sacred flame probably your hammer slightly better.
Can I do both? Your most powerful attack would be guiding bolt to blast them with a huge laser blast. Take that all of them.
I'm going to hit them with a hammer.

Do whatever you want.

We can use the hammer later.

Can I light up my hammer with the bolt?

Okay, whatever.

Bolt. Big bolt thing.
He's going to roll.

You know what? I'd let you say that it shoots

out of the house.

Okay.

Thank you, too.

You would have been stuck on that for a while.

Here we go.

Bolt man. 18! 18! 18! Yeah, dude! Hell yeah, Bill.
Way to help out the team. Five, 23.
You are hitting anyone on this map you're aiming for. Who are you aiming for? One of the five standing cultists or the acolyte leader? Leader.
Leader. Do you want to take the leader out? Gotta take the leader.
No, no. Because what if she's a babe? Oh, we can probably kidnap her.
All right. Kill the other guys.
Kill all the other guys and then hit the leader with a sup. You want to take out other people but hit the leader with a sup.
You know what? I'll roll your damage and I will let you kill cultists. War priest, baby.
We'll see how many cultists you can take down. You're a priest, though, Billy.
You swore an oath of celibacy. You know what? That's two cultists right there.
You fire at one cultist and just burn a hole in their chest. And it shoots through that cultist into another cultist, and that cultist goes flying back into a cottage and crashes through the wall through the wall.
You have taken out two cultists with one guiding bolt. Yes.
Are these other cultists now, are they willing to concede defeat? Are they like, hey, one guy got cut in half, the other guy got a bolt of lightning shot through his sternum into our other guy. We're just going to bow this out.
At this point, it be like looking like they are considering their options they look like they want to flee the two remaining cultists that are still standing want to flee and the acolyte is very upset because she doesn't want them to flee but as they run she realizes she's alone here with disadvantage thanks to your insult and she is also running for it now so they look they're all trying to run at the moment um is there any last thing that imperial would be the barbarians turn now did you hear my sup though can we catch her can i catch her she'd be like can i grab her like you can snag her no no and she's running for it she grabbed her mask and she's running respect all's my turn. Hold on.
It's my turn. Respect your choice.
Can I snatch her? Can I grab her? No, no. Stop, Billy.
Stop. Can I snatch her? You could run forward and you could try to tackle this person.
This would be an athletics check. Yes.
I think we should do that. I will cancel you.
No, dude. We need to get her on.
Yeah, let's get her. I'm going to try to do that.
I'm going to try to do that. Pursuit.
Absolutely. As you charge at her and get ready to do the tackling move, first of all, you're raging, so you're going to have advantage on this.
Barbarians get advantage on all athletics checks when they are raging, including grapplers. So you are going to get to roll two times.
The number you need to beat to tackle her effectively, she's actually bobbing and weaving. She's serpentining and she is getting an 18 total.
So you need to beat an 18, but you have a plus five on this and you're rolling two times. Alright, so I got a plus five and I'm rolling twice.
Beat 18. Beat 18.
That's a six. Your barbarian reflexes kick in.
Is she getting away? A 1. So luckily you're not stuck with that natural 1, which would be something extra bad, but it sounds like you did not get an 18 total.
So you go to tackle her. She at the very last minute goes right when you're going left.
You hit the ground in a slide.

You're not falling yet, but you do see she's turning around,

and she had a readied action as she was running to cast a spell

at whoever was attacking her.

And she points a hand at you, Norm, and she says,

The power of Tiamat shall compel you. Flee, worm.
And I need you to make a wisdom saving throw. She just used the spell command against you, the very spell I mentioned to the cleric just a moment ago.
It is a one-word command, and if you roll a d20 and add a plus one to this, you need to get 13 or higher not have to obey her orders fuck i can't believe i miss that attack he died hey chris conti let's rip all right here we go oh she's like can i use that can he just said let's rip can i use that uh yes absolutely when you you said let's so you're gonna roll and if you don't do well on this you can invoke your bardic inspiration foriration for sure. But you only need to use it if you fail.
All right, so I need a 13, and I got a plus one, right? Absolutely. Here we go.
12! Oh! And you have a plus one on this. You only needed a 13.
So, yes, you succeeded on this even without the Bardic Inspiration. And here's the thing thing since you succeeded against this spell and you're not fleeing i'm realizing what did you get as your higher the two grapple checks when you added the plus five do you remember what it was 11 11 it was 11 was that before the plus five or after the after the plus five after the plus five then you know your bardic inspiration wouldn't have made a difference if you had invoked it then.
So we won't waste it in that case. So you're not fleeing.
You manage to hold your ground. And for just a moment, behind that strange mask-wearing woman, you had seen a shadow rising up that looked for a moment like a dragon spreading its wings with five huge heads rising up.
And you're like, it's huge. I have to flee.
And then you're like, wait a minute. And you smack yourself a little bit.
It is an illusion. It is not really there and you do not have to flee now.
You do not have to obey that command. If that was your turn and then Wayne, if that would bring us to you.
Is there some sort of respecting spell? Can I cast a die to respect the woman? So here's what you could do do you could try to make now that someone's already someone's already chased and tried to chase her it didn't quite work you could roll persuasion to try to get her to surrender right now potentially um and to be fair you'd also have the spell charm person so if you wanted to cast charm person to make somebody like you you could try to use that spell in particular i i don't think any of these are necessarily respectful options but uh she's also seems like she's gonna ready getting ready to cast spells to attack us okay so she's trying to hurt us so do we want to make friends with her or do i just say fucking and go melee on her um maybe i know i don't think we can be friends with her we got to get her and get her and get information out of her. But I can.
If I go persuasion, I can make her talk to us. Yeah.
Or can Bob Costas kill her? Bob Costas is following you, I will assume, Barton. As he runs in, he says, oh, that and Acolyte.
I don't know her. I don't know that one.
But she, like, big, ooh, I talked to Tiamat. I talked to Tiamat.
She very special leader. He's lying.
Yeah. I think he's lying to us.
All right. So what, you want to persuade her? So I can persuade her, make her become friends with us.
And then she can tell us what the hell is going on with this shadow dragon. Yes.
So if you roll well on this persuasion check, you might get her to surrender, but you run after her and the barbarian and you can roll and add a plus five to this. Okay.
So you can convince her to throw down her arms and surrender. Okay, I'm going to call this my respect roll here.
There we go. It's an eight.
I have eight respects for her. Plus five.
And then you add plus five to this with a 13. She turns back, and then she says, Tiamat may spare you, but she's still running and trying to cast spells to attack us.

If we chase her, she's not going to be targeting you, Bard,

but that is all that you're getting right now.

To be fair, if you say something to her,

she might blurt out an answer right now,

but she's not going to stop running.

She basically was like, hey, dude, you seem like a nice guy.

I'm not into nice guys.

She was like, you got a great personality.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's fine.

I've been there before.

I'm not into nice guy. She was like you got a great personality Right, right.
Yeah. Yeah, that's fine.
I've been hey, I've been there before Can I ask her what's the deal with that shadow dragon? Oh, she's she gestures at the kind of shot now Actually, I gotta warn you you didn't see that. Okay, I'd to change my question then.
Where are you going? Where are you going? She says, I am fleeing back to Frulebondath. She will know what to do next.
Frulebondath is a bigger boss. Please, just let me go.
I will not attack you any longer if you do not attack me. We are only here for the money.
We have to stop him. She's going to go tell the big boss lady.
All right. All right.
So is it Hank's turn? It's Hank's turn. Hank.
Now that brings us from your turn, Wayne, to Ehrlich's turn now. Ehrlich.
Yeah. And in theory, you've got one of these cultists who's trying to run away right now, charmed at the moment, but he's like heading out, trying to run for it.
And you could chase after him and he'd be very friendly with you, even if the other people wouldn't be. At the same time, you could do an attack spell at somebody or there is now a clear route to the castle.
Should we go to the castle? Yeah, you want to run to the castle? We're going to let her go to Frula Manda? Can we, yeah, would I be able to take her out, just eliminate her from the equation? Because that's what we want, right? Or just capture her. Because I'm afraid that she's going to tell Frula Manda, Hey, you guys got to roll deep on this.
All right, let me... Yeah, I want to go after her.
I want to go after her, the witch. Absolutely.
Were you hoping to deal enough damage to knock her out? Yes. Or were you going to try to tackle her? No, KO.
One shot. KO, absolutely.
I'll let you use your Eldritch Blast to knock somebody out for sure, and you will roll a d20 plus 5 to see if you hit her. Let's go, Hank.
I'll drop this strange energy in your hand. I got a 4.
How do you do on that? A 4. A 4, even with a plus 5, you are launching an Eldr blast in her direction, but it is, she turns and ducks out of the way.
You didn't fucking kill her either. She avoided your attack like it was nothing.
She's shredded your defense. She's a better juker than you are in NCAA football.
right. So now what do we got? Billy's up?

Now Berserker Billy, you'd be up.

What would you like to do?

Then she's going to get a chance to try to run away from us.

But she also sees spells being cast at her, and she might cast the spell back.

All right.

Yo, you got to take it out, Billy. Billy, you're the meat shield.

Just go at her.

I got an idea.

I got an idea.

No.

Go ham at her.

Get her.

No, no.

We get Bob to send a message.

What?

No.

Billy, you were way too inside your own head.

Go for her. Okay, okay.
Hammer time. Hammer lightning., hammer lightning.
Ride the lightning. If you have Bob with you, you could get him trying to talk to this person, see if it'll help you.
You'd have plus four on persuasion if you were trying to talk to her. Is that what you said you were trying to do? No, you know what? Time for work.
Just Warhammer. Hammer of lightning.
Absolutely, 100%. If you charge her and swing your Warhammer, you think it would probably deal enough to knock her out after the three damage she's already taken.
So roll a d20, and you add plus four for your Warhammer. Oh, yeah.
Hammer time, hammer time, hammer time. Come on, come on.
Billy. Fuck.
It's a three. It's a three, Tim.

Unfortunately, and you don't have bardic inspiration at the moment. And she wouldn't be giving you nothing with getting advantage on that, unfortunately.
Now, you charge her. At the same time, Bob hasn't done anything.
So as Bob runs up to follow us, he starts to see what the bard was doing. and on Bob's turn, just before she runs further,

would someone like to roll for Bob to see if Bob can convince her? He's saying, hey, hold on, stop. We just want to talk to you.
Bob, you want to roll for Bob? Wait. Okay, we got Bubba rolling for Bob right now.
Yeah, who would like to roll for Bob? Bubba's got it here. Eight.
Eight. He rolled an eight.
Eight. He's on this and with a nine she just spits on the ground and says kobold filth, you traitor! And Bob just shrugs.
He says, ass, I can't please some people. And she is trying to run for it right now, but she is trying to hide amongst some buildings.
She is not managing to hide. You see her dive diving through a window.
She crouches. She rises up and she's still watching us getting a spell at the ready.
That would bring us back to Norm the Barbarian. We gotta finish her off.
She's gonna mess us up. Yeah.
So whatever I gotta do, I'll do for the team, Hank. Spam RPGs.

Are you going to tackle her again, or are you going to just try to knock her out with your sword?

I think I just got to try to fucking knock her out.

I clearly can't tackle.

Absolutely.

Can't wrap up.

And go right ahead.

You're going to roll a d20 plus five with your greatsword.

All right, what am I looking for here?

Probably not very high armor.

You hit a kobold with a 13.

You think if she has better armor, you don't think it's much better. Okay.
10. That should be good.
10 plus 5. So a 15 total.
Yep. With a 15 total, you swing down through the window, shattering the window frame, and you swing down.
She raises up her arm to protect yourself and you hit with that feeling full damage and were you aiming to knock out or kill this acolyte I don't have time for yeah we got a killer we got a killer you already have one hostage yeah yeah with a slash your sword is buried in her and she is slain in your mind for just a moment you hear a roar of a dragon as though there's a dragon roaring in your mind still tripping yeah i'm still tripping and uh she is slain and you have defeated her and now you are standing right in front of the castle there are No cultists blocking your way to the castle at this point. Do you guys want to go to...

In theory, that is your turn, Norm. Okay, let's go.
By the way, let's go one more around. So PFT, Hank, then Billy will go, and then we'll end there.
So let's try to get to a good spot here. Yeah, yeah.
That was exciting. So we're outside the castle.
We've got a couple kills under our belt. Let's go.
Do we just go inside or are we trying to sneak in? I think we just go in. I think game plan.
Just game plan. Just go the fuck in.
Yeah, he said no one's in there. No one's in front of us.
Okay. Yeah, let's go in.
Front door. No one's blocking our way to the castle.
Front door. Let's walk in.
Let me heal everybody first. As you start to head toward the castle gate, you can see this.
There's militia guards, town guardsmen with bows out as they see you, dwarf they're like okay oh okay they're all right they're not cultists come on in come on in head in and they're taking the occasional shot when a kobold or cultist pokes their head out and it looks like there's 30 something people gathered in front of the great hall of this keep so you run in through the gatehouse and you're inside a little courtyard.

And in this courtyard in front of the main keep,

there looks like there's a guy in a purple vest

with white hair, the mayor, you think.

And he's telling this crowd of 30 something people,

all will be well, don't worry, all will be well.

Then somebody says, but what about the dragon?

And everyone starts going nuts and screaming again.

And he's like, ooh, wiping his brow. He seems very upset and doesn't have a good answer to that question.
You also notice there is a dwarf here. One dwarf.
Most of these people are humans in this village that you've seen so far. But there is a dwarf running around who is healing people, it seems.
There's a bunch of guards lying around who seem like like they got badly injured and he's trying to administer first aid okay that's all what you see right now can we tell if they're like bird marks on them or are they battle scars uh it looks like there are some battle scars from blades and stuff but two of them look maybe burned it's They look like they they've been damaged by fire but it doesn't look like normal bird marks you think um you can go up and you could try to make a medicine or arcana check on them to see if you know what kind of damage they got what do uh what do dragons eat dragons as far as you know eat meat in quantities. And after that, it really depends on the dragon.
I'm just wondering if we can poison this dragon, like throw out a bunch of food for it that I've put a spell into, and then we kill the dragon without even having to throw hands at it. Can I make fake dragon food that's poisonous? You would have a spell called Minor Illusion where you can create a human-sized pile of something like dragon food.
And I'd say for the purposes of this spell, I'd like you to make a good smell coming off of it also. But here's the catch.
The moment a dragon touches it, their hand will go right through the illusion. So you do have that at your disposal.
So I can lure them, but I can't actually poison them. So lure them and then we'll have Hank and Billy do something.
Yeah, okay. I'd like to make hologram version of dragon food.
I love that. Now, to the best of your guests, a good example would be the classic like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park.
A goat just kind of leashed maybe up on the wall perhaps or even, want to put it up? Where do you want to put this illusion? Inside the castle, inside the castle, on the walls? In the courtyard, do you think? And then we can get high ground and we can get a dragon in close quarters? Yeah. Ambush.
Okay, yeah. Let's put it in the middle.
Or should we put it in a room and lock him in there? Zerk, is there like a dungeon in there in the castle? You might not be able to smell it? There does seem like there would be, there's big doors leading into, there are probably dungeons underneath this castle. But you think a dragon would be too big.
What about a man cave? Courtyard. Alright, so courtyard.
Okay, we'll lure the dragon to courtyard like a big bowl of whatever type of dragon food like some sort of goat i like that

soup dragon soup like cincinnati chili okay you're making like a big a big stew it looks like a big meaty stew for this dragon like the goat legs floating in it yeah some shredded cheese on top completed meal i love that that's good people will see this huge bowl appear and they will be shocked and will jump back. And then some kids will run up and they'll start touching the illusion and waving their hands and be like, it's not real.
It's not real. Whoa.
Do you do anything? The mayor's like, whose soup is that? I put up a sign that says, please do not touch the soup. A sign appears, please do not touch the soup.
It flashes for just a moment. Hot soup.
Hot soup. do not touch the soup it flashes for just a moment and then hot soup

hot soup do not touch yeah absolutely and erlich uh you in theory we had already established do

speak through draconic language you could have an attack that in theory you could like get ready

right now if you just want to ready an attack for when something does show up but in theory you'd

also have spells like charm person and you'd also be very persuasive for talking to townsfolk

Thank you. right now if you just want to ready an attack for when something does show up.
But in theory, you'd also have spells like Charm Person and you'd also be very persuasive for talking to townsfolk or talking to anybody around. I feel like I just need to get ready.
Load up the chopper. What about persuade them? Like it's December 31st.
Persuade everyone to pretend that the stew is real. I'll have people line up with bulls and stuff.
Yeah. We gotta trick the fuck out of this dragon.
But don't we need ammo for when the dragon comes? Shouldn't I load up? I think we've got ammo. I've been a beast.
You never have to reload a sword. Whatever the team says.
Let's convince the townspeople that the soup is real. Wait, does anybody else in this town recognize Hank? As a duplicitous fuck? Well, here's the thing.
He's a gnome. So, no, it doesn't seem like anybody recognizes him in this town, but he's definitely noteworthy.
Most of these people are humans, and as a gnome, he'd be like a little spellcaster running around here. Okay.
Very noteworthy. So can we have him, like, get basically the entire little area all in line? Like, hey, this is the plan.
You're telling them this is the plan i love that absolutely so you get them in on this plan roll per set persuasion with a plus five a d20 plus five to convince them to get in on this idea seven and to make sure they do it well he rolled a seven down but he rolled a seven seven seven plus five a 12 is enough. Yes.
They're actually doing a pretty good job. These town folks are surprisingly good at putting up this ruse of being hungry.
Probably the smell of the stew helps them. And they're all loudly saying, like, I hope no dragons take this food.
Because they're also aware maybe of what we're plotting they're also doing a good job of keeping their distance from this dude like oh i want to get closer but i'm not too close they know the sign let them know that they're in on the joke hungry with some stew all right and so billy's gonna get us finally is perfect because we're gonna get set up for the no dragon. So I want to set the trap.
What type of trap can I set? So when the dragon comes, can we throw a huge net on it? Or what does my war priest magic got going? Hmm. Let's see.
Maybe that big thing in Game of Thrones on the ship type thing. You know what I'm saying? Oh, like the chain in Game of Thrones.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Okay. What you want to queue up, up i'm gonna tell you why it's a oh it's yeah it's a guiding bolt and here's why because it didn't come into play when you were vaporizing the cultists in one go but when you hit something with a guiding bolt everybody who fires after you gets advantage on their attack so you go first then you put a bullseye on this thing and everybody who shoots after you gets advantage on their attack.
So you go first, then you put a bullseye on this thing, and everybody who shoots after you gets a bullseye. I just want to set up to fuck up this dragon.
I'm camping, I'm camping on the dragon. You're pointing the laser at the dragon.
Got your shot ready with a guiding bolt. Okay, so you see roll? Because it's a readied shot, you are going to get to fire it before anything else happens, and then the smell starts wafting out, and you are going to get to roll.
It's our finale for the day because what you are seeing, first of all, hearing, is a flapping sound, a leathery swooping of wings, as in the distance behind several cottages, we see blue lizard-like wings spread. And a blue-scale dragon takes off into the air, flaps once, twice, flies towards the castle, has a big horn on its head, and says, what's that smell? Go ahead and roll a d20 plus five.
Come on, Billy. Don't let us down, dude.
Come on 20. Come on Oh, you're on five.
Hey, hold on. What's the roll? 50 A five and then with a plus five that would be a 10 But however, I am giving for this awesome idea some oh better yet.
I don't have to give dm's inspiration You're surprising the dragon you You're in a hidden position. The dragon's looking around for food saying, ooh, this is going to be good.
Roll one more time. You have advantage for surprising the dragon.
Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Don't let us down.
Come on. Nine.
Nine with a plus 514. So here's the thing.
I'm just going to ask one question. Would the Bard have given inspiration to this? You could have done your illusion and still given inspiration.
Yeah, I'll give him a little pep talk. A little pep talk.
What did you say is your pep talk? I said all gas, no brakes. All gas, no brakes.
And you remember him saying just before you fired, all gas, no brakes. Roll.
We're going to roll an extra d6 to see what you add on to this and it's a full plus six that's exactly what you needed to that roll because your team hits the dragon the face and the dragon lights up with a glowing halo all around it and for just a moment you hear your war gods drums everybody can hear it but then the dragon turns its head to our castle goes oh in draconic you're all in for it now and so it's flying towards the castle perfect cliffhanger hell yeah is doing that all right chris Farley gift when he realizes it's fake Folgers coffee.

Yes.

You son of a bitch. You got my attention.

All right.

Well, Tim, that was fantastic.

So two weeks from now, we will find out what happens when the dragon comes and fucks with

our castle.

This was awesome, man.

Thank you as always.

Thank you, Tim.

Absolutely.

Such a pleasure.

Thank you so much.

All right.

We'll see you in a couple of weeks, man. Take care.
See you in Tim. Absolutely.
Such a pleasure. Thank you so much.
All right. We'll see you in a couple weeks, man.

Take care.

See you in a few weeks.

Love you guys.

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Bye. Thank you.
Today is another day to find you shying away I'll be coming for your love, okay Take on me Take on me Drink on me

I'll be gone

In a day of truth Needless to say Our upset ends But I'll be st a little way. But life is okay.

Say out to me.

It's not better to be safe than sorry.

Say out to me.

It's not better to be safe than sorry.

Say out to me. Say out to me.
Take on me Take on me Take on me Take a Take a We'll be right back. Anyway, take on.
Take on.

Take on.

Take on.

Take on. It's Pardon My Take presented by Barstool Sports.