Patton Oswalt, We Start A Dungeons And Dragons Game + Waffle House Fighting

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, we have Patton Oswalt. Great interview with Patton Oswalt.
And then we're going to try something a little different. So our Dungeons & Dragons episode received critical acclaimlaim i think we won an oscar or no a great an emmy webby a webby and an emmy we won all these awards so we said let's uh if people like it let's do it let's do it so what we're gonna do is every other wednesday till the end of our crusade or adventure whatever you call it we.
We're going to do our Dungeons and Dragons adventure. So Billy football has joined us.
It is me, Billy PFT, Hank, and our good friend, Dungeon Master, Tim Woods. He is going to lead us through a full game of Dungeons and Dragons.
So we have part one after Patton Oswalt with a cliffhanger. We also have hot seat, cool throne, and a special Wednesday reading that must be done.
Would you say that this is our geekiest episode of part? By far. It's a geek week.
By far. It is beyond the geek.
If you had told us we were going to be doing this and we were not going to have sports, I don't know. Listen, the human mind copes in mysterious ways.
So we have Dungeons and Dragons. We're going to get right back to the show.
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All right, back to part of my take.

Okay, let's go.

Boys!

Boys!

Now in the street there is violence

And I'm not allowed to start the work to be done

We'll be right back. Now in the street there is violence And then a lot of stuff Work to be done No place to hang A lot of washing And then I can't Play all on the sun Oh no We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue Use code BAR so you get $10 for free.
$10 to the ASPCA. Today is Wednesday, May 13th.
And PFT, we have NBA players coming together to say they want to keep the season going. We have MLB billionaire owners crying poor and trying to get the baseball players to play a season.
But more importantly than all of this, we got Waffle House fighting. It is an awesome day to be online because this Waffle House thing broke.
Before we get it i i just read this the state of arizona is saying that they will allow major league sports to continue i think may 15th with no fans in attendance all the california teams go hang out in arizona yeah so the phoenix coyotes can play games we've all been waiting for them i congratulations the diamondbacks or they could just they could just do an entire season of baseball at the spring training facility. Yeah, I have hope for NBA.
I have hope for baseball, although the move— The spitting is an issue in baseball. The move that the owners are making right now where they're crying poor but not actually showing how they're poor is an all-time move.
And then somehow spinning it to be like, well, the players really got to do us a solid here and take a lot less money and have a salary cap and do a 50 50 split yeah so walk me through this because i read that the uh the league said that they put forth i guess the owners put forth an option to get playing again uh with an 82 game season that starts in july yes with a 50 50 revenue split now i don't know know in football, I think it's 51-49. What is it normally in baseball? So in baseball, there's obviously no salary cap, and so you have incredible salaries.
Right. What the players want to do, and I think it's totally fair, is they want to come back and play for their prorated salary.
The owners are saying, we're not going to make any money this year. We're going to lose money this year.
Let's do a 50-50 split. And that's how we can get baseball going.
But the owners in baseball do this funny little tricky thing where they say they're going to lose money and then they don't show anyone how they're going to lose money. So they don't actually open their books.
They don't actually tell you, okay, this is actually what it looks like. They just cry poor and say, it's got to kind of come out of your pockets too and now i think billionaires should pay for their own fucking rosters well and now we got the whole stupid you know like other billionaires coming to jb pritzker the governor of illinois coming to bat for the billionaire owners being like players really have to make some sacrifices here how about the how about the how would you just play pay him prorated it's also crazy because what do you do there's no salary cap in baseball so now you're saying there's going to be a salary cap for one year do they sign one year deals at random numbers and then next year they go back to their salary that's how it works if you make a concession in a negotiation with a billionaire chances are he'll probably give you that concession back next year so that he can make less money or she can make less money.
So what you're saying to me is that this year, if you hypothetically have a contract that pays you $20 million, you're not going to get your $20 million. You're not even going to get that portion of the salary for the games that you will play.
Instead, you're going to get a percentage of what your team's roster, the entire salary for your team's roster is, based on how much revenue the league is bringing in. Correct.
Okay. Yeah, that's going to be a tough sell to the Players Association.
If I were a player, I'm sure there will be public pressure to try to get them back to play. I just know I'm not going to be someone who being like, players, you have to take less just because the guys are saying that they're, the people in charge are saying they're losing money, even though won't tell you how they're losing money right so open up the books open up the book let me see the books let's see the books open the fucking books there it is what's the f word um yeah jb pritzker has like three billion dollars so it's pretty good for him to be like hey players really got to make a sacrifice yeah so i i guess it looks like even if you know arizona is opening up, a lot of these other states are thinking about that they're going to open up for Major League Sports, you're still not going to have fans there.
No. And that is an issue.
If you're a billionaire owner, you are a business person, and so you're like, oh, shit, I'm not going to make as much money this year. So why don't they just ask for more money and TV rights? Because for every person that doesn't go to a game,

they're going to be watching on TV.

Yeah, I mean, it's an 82-game season that they're proposing starting July 1st.

I actually think the TV,

people will watch it a lot more on TV,

not only because of this captive audience,

but an 82-game, that's a sprint.

If you have a five-game losing streak in the 82-game,

you're sunk.

It just means more. Yeah, I like the 82-game season.
Also, let's go across the pond real quick. Our dinos are whipping the shit out of people.
They are a fucking wagon. These dinos are dominant.
The only reason that they lost a game the other night, they gave up like seven runs in the ninth inning. Whatever.
I mean, I don't really like how we've been dealing with the bullpen, but that's for another day. Well, the bull the bullpen shaky for sure i'd like to see a little bit more production out of the leadoff spot maybe some situational hitting it's early in the season and the defense is going to get better so you're not going to see too many of those crooked numbers as we get into later months whenever the end of the korean baseball season traditionally is yes when that we'll call it September.
In September, our bullpen will settle.

Somewhere between September and November.

We just need the bullpen to settle down.

October-ish.

Yeah.

Around.

And in October-adjacent month.

I really wish that they would just put one of those fucking mannequins

that's in the stands wearing a Marlins jersey.

Yes.

Oh, speaking of Marlins jerseys.

No, no, no, it's my cool throne.

It's my cool throne.

Save it.

Save it.

Save it.

Save it.

It's my cool throne. It's my cool throne.
It's my cool throne. We'll get to it.
All right. Let's talk Waffle House because that's the real news of the day.
Uh-huh. So we have an emergency Wednesday reading because we have one of the greatest.
Now, whenever these get posted online, we don't know if they're true, but let's not all be fucking assholes and be like, no, it's fake. Let's just have fun with it and say there's a 95% chance it's true.
Wait, I don't mean to derail the conversation. Can we go back to that NBA secret meeting that happened today? Was Kyrie involved? I do not believe so.
I think it was LeBron, Giannis. Kyrie is going to have some takes about the Illuminati of the NBA getting together and deciding their fate.
I also heard a wild take today about Max Kellerman saying that, what was it? Oh, he was saying that if they come back and play a playoffs, it will be an asterisk next to that team forever. Just like everyone says the Spurs only have four and a half titles.
We do say that. Everyone says that.
I can't go longer than 12 hours without denigrating the Spurs dynasty. I love when these talking head guys try to – they're like, yeah, like Joe Blow, sports fan.
You know, he's just walking around the bar being like, those Spurs and those four and a half titles. I had to double – I did a double check.
I was like, wait. Oh, yeah, the lockout year.
No. No one remembers that.
Although, I mean, let's be fair here. If the Lakers win, Hank is absolutely putting an ass on LeBron James' title.
Yeah, it doesn't count if LeBron James wins it. It does not count.
Okay, Waffle House. Waffle House.
So we have this post called, My boyfriend keeps getting into fights with a cook at Waffle House. Here's how it starts.
I know this sounds really weird, but here it is. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years.
We met and started dating when we were both in graduate school. That's actually a good note to have there.
They have advanced past bachelor's degree. I dropped out to go back to college to pursue a different career.
We are both finished now and live together, making a fairly nice combined income. Our income is relevant because we could afford to eat somewhere nice when we're out and about, but he always wants breakfast breakfast food.
Okay. Real quick.
First of all, let's not shame people that eat at waffle house because if you're a millionaire, you should still be going to waffle house on a regular basis. It is the best night food.
It's the best breakfast food. It's drunk food.
It's great. Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions.
She goes on to say, when he was a child, his dad couldn't stand eating breakfast type food in the afternoon or evening, so his mom would make him waffles slash pancakes, eggs and bacon in the evening whenever his dad was busy or out of town. It's a wonderful and safe memory for him, and when he goes to his happy place, he says that's where he always goes.
I like this memory because it's basically the grown-up version of when you're eight years old and you say, when I'm an adult, I'm going to eat candy for dinner. And then, spoiler alert, I actually have done that many times.
It is kind of a weird move a weird move though for a dad to say we don't eat breakfast food at dinner time he's just a rules guy that's that's kind of bizarre to be yeah i i don't like that i one time i was at a grocery store there's a person that was behind me in line i was buying stuff to make breakfast for dinner and the guy was like are you making are you making breakfast i was like yeah he goes my wife won't let me eat breakfast for dinner. Damn.
And I felt so bad for the guy.

That's really sad um all right my boyfriend is an incredibly nice and caring person he's i love these these long diatribes where they just try to set up like no guys he's actually totally normal and then drop the hammer, my boyfriend is the sweetest, nicest person ever. Occasionally he likes to fuck his mom in front of me, but I love him otherwise.
I'm in the best relationship of my life. My boyfriend sometimes likes to bring guns out in the bedroom.
Yes. But I figure we've all got our kinks.
My boyfriend is so in tune with my feelings, but every now and then he fakes like he's going to push me in front of oncoming traffic. I'm afraid he's going to kill me.
Listen, I've got such a great boyfriend. We're in the best relationship of all time.
It's something I could only have dreamt about when I was a little girl. He owns this Island called little St.
James, and he goes there a lot with some of his friends and he makes good money. So we're doing pretty well.
We have a beautiful house in Manhattan. Okay, so back to the story.
He loves animals in his kind. This is really she's doing the checklist of like he's not a sociopath.
He loves animals and is kind and gentle with every bug, bird and pet that he comes across. Dude, you don't have to be gentle with every bug.
Yeah, with a bug? Like a spider? I'm going to smash that'm gonna smash that spider murder hornet gonna fuck it up uh he's almost always willing to turn the other cheek in social situations where somebody tries to insult him or get aggressive towards him and usually winds up diffusing the situation having a productive discussion about whatever the issue was except at waffle house by the way at last point you don't get points for being an adult that doesn't get into fights it sounds like he doesn't get into fights a lot right like this is a common occurrence for him where he should get into a fight where most people get into a fight that he calmly talks his way out unfortunately that's not like you don't get to walk around like a boy scout with being like see this badge someone took my parking spot at whole foods Foods. I didn't fight him.
That's not how it works.

My boyfriend fights using logic and reason.

He likes to use his words and diffuse everything.

Okay.

Anytime we're out, he wants to go to the same goddamn Waffle House and get breakfast food.

I'm not a big eater, so I used to not really care.

I would just drink coffee and read my book while he enjoyed his food, which is an awesome visual. Just like, honey, let me get in my happy place.
But that became impossible once he and this one cook started chirping at each other every time we went there. Boyfriend complained about his eggs one time because he likes them a little runny and they were served hard.
The cook responded by giving him scrambled eggs. That's hilarious.
When he brought it up again, the cook served him two hard-boiled eggs. Funny.
Even funnier. Very funny.
I think it was just part of the cook's schtick, which who doesn't know a cook with a schtick? You got to have one. If you're a short-order cook, you know what? That's a feature, not a bug for that Waffle House, because that's the funny cook that fucks up your order and tells you, if you go to Waffle House and you expect to have your order 100% correct every single time, you, my friend, are not understanding the true charm of going to Waffle House.
It's like, I want breakfast food. They serve you a breakfast food and then you eat it.
Kind of. Yes.
Kind of. Maybe.
The cook responded by giving him a scrimmage. When he brought it up again, the cook served the cook served him two hard boiled legs i think it was just part of the cook's shtick and it was kind of funny to be honest but my boyfriend wasn't able to laugh it off off when we left he was in kind of a bad mood but we didn't really talk about it the next week we're out getting some shopping done and he wanted to go to waffle house again i suggested that we try out a different place or at least a different waffle house location but he only wanted the same waffle house which if you've been in the south there's a waffle house every other block and they look identical on the inside that's it that's the entire point of waffle it's just a food station it's like being like i want to go to this mcdonald's and not that mcdonald's um we and sat down.
And once again, the same cook served his eggs wrong. My boyfriend sort of snapped at him that he wasn't interested in messing around and just wanted the correct eggs.
The cook then served him a piece of toast with a hole cut out in the middle with a fried egg in it. That sounds delicious, by the way.
Toad in the hole. Yeah.
My boyfriend got really mad and threw the egg toast at the cook, which made the cook come around from behind the bar and throw it back at him. They ended up sort of wrestling fighting until my boyfriend was like, this is bullshit, and walked out.
Nobody got hurt, but the few other people in there were watching and laughing a bit. Well, here's the thing.
You don't want to get into it with a Waffle House cook, because Waffle House cooks know how to handle themselves. Most of their clientele is drunk.
They're belligerent. It's late at night.
You have to be able to fight if you're going to be. It's the most dangerous, I would say the most aggressive, self-defense capable jobs in America, I would put Waffle House right up there with Blackwater employees.
Someone replied, the first reply to this tweet was, I went to a job interview for Waffle House and one of the questions was, can you fight? Yeah, it has to be. I mean, have you been to a Waffle House at two o'clock in the morning? Can you handle yourself? You remember that story in the news like a year ago about a Waffle House cook that took somebody's AK-47 away from him? Or they disarmed a dude with an AR-15? Very that's day one training if you're a waffle house cook um all right so back to the story this is the crazy part my boyfriend keeps going back and ordering eggs and getting into fistfights with the same cook it's almost a ritual at this point my boyfriend orders runny eggs the cook serves him some other version of eggs and then they beat the shit out of each other i quit going with him after the second fight but he kept going by himself they're like peter and the giant chicken from family guy it's the weirdest thing they physically fought like six or seven times over this i think they're actually friends yeah oh they are this is just guys horsing around yes this has become a friendship they were if they weren't actually friends I think they're actually friends.
Oh, they are. This is just guys horsing around.

Yes, this has become a friendship.

If they weren't actually friends,

you would not be allowed inside the Waffle House anymore.

If you get into a fight,

I'm not going to say if you get into a fight at a Waffle House,

you're never welcome back because they would have no clients.

If you get into a fight with the same person

more than four times in a Waffle House,

then at some point they'll be like,

hey, can you just come back when he's not working this is sport they're like they basically they probably text each other beforehand you're like you want to brawl today uh you want to go yeah you want to go buddy i've tried to talk to him about it a few times but he keeps saying it's a matter of principle i've told him to talk to the manager or something like that but he just waves me off apparently the cook hasn't yet made him the correct runny eggs but it's like he spends the week learning new ways of preparing eggs to piss my boyfriend off i think he does exactly that i'm on team cook here i want to get out in front of that he's on team oh i'm on team both their sides because he's right it is a matter of principle but asking for an egg that's a little bit runny that's a tough egg to make not for a cook but but for anyone you could do it if you're a cook at a crowded waffle house and you've got a million orders going on making the perfectly runny egg is a difficult task so i'm on team crowded i think this is the middle of the day when waffle says no one if that's in fact correct if this guy is going for a casual lunch at waffle using from clues here it's got to be a lunch or dinner and they were one day going out shopping out shopping, and then they went to Waffle House. I think it's just middle of the day.
They're just fighting. Waffle House, yeah.
I don't know. I don't know about that.
You either go to Waffle House at night for dinner, or you go early in the morning for, like, a late, late. Just the meal that you have at Waffle House is called Waffle House.
It's not called breakfast, lunch, or dinner. She said he does lunch and dinner there.
All right, so then it finishes up. The thing is we're getting married this summer.
He's accepted a job in a new city, and it'll be easy for me to find work after the wedding, so we'll be moving away from his sworn enemy Waffle House guy. He hasn't really been out since quarantine started, but it wouldn't surprise me if that's the first place he goes when restaurants open back up for sitting customers.

But my main worry is this strange, vindictive side of him I've never seen before that leads him to fight the same guy every week.

The violence itself is an issue for me, but the obsession over it almost bothers me more.

Should I be worried that this side of him will come up later in our marriage?

How do I get him to open up about this?

Is this type of obsession a choice or is it indicate indicative indicative of something deeper you need to cook him eggs and you need to cook him the perfect runny egg and see if he has any desire to stop going to that waffle house because if he decides to stop going then it was about the eggs this whole time if he keeps going back it's just because they're bros and he misses the human body craves contact right so he likes getting into a fight every now and again i honestly don't i think this guy is actually the most well-adjusted adult i've ever heard because he seems like a great guy but having a grudge or a point of principle that you will not let up, it's like a bulldog with a tennis ball in his mouth.

Sometimes guys just have to do that.

Like sometimes you just have to beef silently or actually physically fight.

Like I'm thinking about, I have this guy who lives in my building,

who on July 4th I was using the grill, the community grill,

and he came up and he moved my steaks over

and put his own food on there without asking me.

I scowl at that motherfucker every time I see him. haven't said anything but i have a grudge and i fucking hate him i think if i ever get in a point where like he lost his keys and i have a chance to let him in i won't let him in it's a passive grudge but having a grudge and having a foe that you wake up in the morning you're like fuck that guy it's healthy a grudge not much.
A foe is very important. A rival.
It's important for guys to have rivals. You are rivals against grill guy.
I'm rivals with DK Metcalf. Hank's rivals with the English language and, I guess, chocolate milk somehow.
Boners. Boners.
Hank's rivals. We were rivals, but not really.
Oh, good point. Hank actually declared he and PFT's rivalry over because PFT can't beat him.
Well, I beat him literally 15 minutes going. But I figured you out.
My defense is too good. My defense is too good.
You still can't get an interaction. Wow.
That's not true. Okay, so that rivalry is over.
But, yes, having a rival. You see, I mean, we're watching the last dance right now.
MJ just has rivals. Like, fake, real, doesn't matter.
Having something to drive you every single day is healthy. I do think that Waffle Houses are great places to get in fights.
Yeah. It seems like everyone that's at a Waffle House is ready that there might be a fight at any given time.
It's like a UFC crowd. All the tables have rounded corners on them, so if you fall, you're probably not going to split your head open.
It's like chess boxing. So I'm with this guy.
I think he's totally, I think he's a well-aged, I mean, maybe the actual fist fighting as an adult is a little much, but it actually doesn't sound like they're fist fighting. They're more wrestling, which is, that's just kind of, you're basically doing, it's gentlemen's fighting, no face stuff.
Right, everyone's home for dinner. Right, no.
Stay away from the groin, no fist choking. No one No one has to say anything to their boss like what happened to your face.
You're just trying to wrestle each other in like feets of strength. Do you think that there's an outside chance that this guy has a pre-existing relationship with the Waffle House cook in a way that he told him, hey, I'm going to fuck with my fiance.
Let's get into a fight and have a rivalry every time I come to your restaurant. And then he just never told his fiance.
He's like pulling a big prank on her. Well, that theory could make sense if he was like, I love my happy place, but what really bothers me is my fiance demands coming.
So he found a way to go to his happy place where his fiance refuses to go. You know what happened? They go in there the first time and he's like, this is, as you say, my happy place.
For me, that would be a place like Buffalo Wild Wings. You go there, you sit down, you're guaranteed a good time.
She comes along. What does she do the first thing when they sit down? She opens up a book.
She doesn't even try to enjoy Waffle House. Disrespect.
And so he's like, you know what? I'm going to get into a fight with this guy until she leaves and demands to stop coming because I, listen, I'm going to get my brain smothered, covered, and what is it? Chunked, diced in front of her if that's what it takes to make her stop reading a book at a Waffle House. Yeah, he pays this guy off.
He tips him extra to be like, hey, let's just make sure that I can come here. And he's probably getting the best eggs every single time.
He probably eats his runny eggs that are perfectly cooked. And then he says, what's up to his cook friend? And he's like, hey, can you just maybe give me a noogie and give me one solid punch in the liver so that I can go home with a couple scratches? Yeah.
I mean, I love this relationship. I love everything about it.
I love this guy. I really do think that having a point of principle, having something that you like, one of those

standoffs that you're like, you know what?

Today, I'm not going to give up.

I'm not going to let someone push me around.

When was the last time you got into a fight?

Fist fight?

Well, just like a fight, grappling fist, that sort of thing.

December 15th.

There it is, Hank.

December 15th.

There you go, champ.

Not since college, I don't think. I'm trying to think.
I don't think since college. What about you, Hank? December 15th.
Well, besides that, outside of a sanctioned event. Probably college.
Yeah. College? College.
I got into a fight in Hong Kong, but it was like kind of a bro fight, because the guy was wearing the same outfit that I was. He was shirtless, also wearing the same color shorts I was.
And we just looked at each other, and you knew it was on. And then afterwards, we were friends.
There's no better feeling in the world... That's not a fight.
...than getting into a fight with somebody, and then afterwards, like, in the middle of the fight, you realize... That's a fun wrestle.
...that you and I are more similar than we are different. Was this when you were high on ecstasy? This was when I was high on MDMA, yes.

Okay, so you might have just been kissing the dude.

Rolling balls.

You might have just been groping his face. No, because it's on camera.

Okay.

So confirmed not kissing.

Confirmed fight, though?

Confirmed wrassle.

It was a wrassle.

Yeah.

Also, isn't that like saying hello at a rugby game?

Pretty much, yeah.

Just wrestling each other?

Not a threat.

Yeah.

Just a couple rugby guys.

Just wrestling the fuck out of each other? Yep. All right, so this guy yeah waffle house guy love him i fucking love him uh i'd like to see a movie about this guy yeah he and dave and buster's guy should really link up or at least like i have a principle off a quibby about this guy is that what it's called quibby yeah shout out quibby r.i.p speaking right, yeah, Hot Seat Cool Throne is brought to you by, oh.
We're going to get right back to the show. Only the best will do for mom.
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Have you thought about microdosing before you record an episode? I have not. My hot seat PFT was one of them, 4 o'clock on Thursday.
You can see, probably going to be a 4-0 sweep, so make sure you sweep it early because it's going to be over early. Wow, wait.
I'm not even dignifying that with an answer. Put a guarantee on it, 4-1 or better? Yeah.
That's just Hank's imagining. 4-1 or better.
Or what? He's just guaranteeing. Or Hank has to show his boobs okay not on twitch get his kick off i'll do a show yeah i'll do a show with no shirt on okay all right and you same for you if it's if it's for one or better deal all right i might do that anyway uh my other hot seat ellen degeneres i feel like she's just on the literal hot seat like her job job, like the proverbial hot seat, she's like on it.

Why? In terms of a talk show host.

It's just story after story.

Like the avalanche has started where like former interns and former people that work for her just coming out one after another after another after another after another saying how shitty of a person she is.

It's an interesting choice of words how you phrase that.

But go on.

No, go on.

What?

No, nothing.

Okay.

She's just on the hot seat.

Okay.

What was the interesting choice of words?

Hank said coming out.

Oh.

Thank you. but go on no go on what no nothing okay she's just on the hot seat okay what was the interesting choice of words Hank said coming out oh thought that was interesting choice of words I didn't know if he was trying to coming forward no I was not I don't have that type of brain capacity in me to do that people coming forward with bad story after bad story what was the recent one it was like a security guard that worked for her for a long time and like she basically wouldn't acknowledge anyone that wasn't like a close family.
So this guy was a security guard and she was like I've worked for many celebrities blah blah blah she's the only person that doesn't even like say hi and introduce herself to the security guard not even to like fans and shit like the security guard she just was like a dickhead. How do celebrities not realize that everyone they come in contact with, at least in their inner circle, is going to someday be like, hey, here's a tweet thread about how shitty of a person this person is.
That is kind of a, it's a lot of pressure, I guess. Like everyone that you make or everyone that you make friends with or meet is, they've got a story immediately about you.
Well, but I'm not even talking about anyone you, like, you could meet a bad day you meet someone it's a bad interaction whatever a security guard like that's crazy it also came out she like called steve jobs to complain about her iphone like that's fine yeah that actually is good that probably did better like that did good for the rest of the country she got to the front of the line and helped us being like this sucks wait how long. Wait, how long? That must've been a while ago.
Well, that's the thing. It's all coming out.
That's like, she's on the hot seat in the sense of like the avalanche has started. And it's just like, she's under the microscope.
Her view of being like nice, nice lady. Ellen DeGeneres.
She's going to do a teary eyed apology and all that. Blah, blah, blah.
And everyone would be like, you go, girl, stay strong.

The haters are just trying to get you.

And then she'll just keep being a shitty person to people.

She had some people that worked on her staff that also got in trouble recently.

It's like everyone around her.

She's turning people evil.

Is she a witch?

I think she's part of some deep conspiracy theories too.

Yeah, for sure.

Okay, we're going to put her...

Which we don't need to say.

Yeah.

Okay, your cool throne? My cool throne is the cross, sport of the future. Yep.
Paul Rabel figured out betting, so they're doing an event in the summer. People are going to be able to bet on it.
In? Where's that? I don't know. On a lacrosse field.
On a lacrosse field somewhere. You can watch it on NBC Sports.
Put the house on the water dogs. That's all I know.
Yep. My other cool throne is Nostalgia.
Do we have a hashtag for the water dogs? Wooter. I don't know.
Bark Bark? Bark Bark. Yeah.
Bark Bark. Nostalgia, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1 and 2 are getting re-released.
So it's updated. The same game, same maps or whatever you call them.
Same maps, same soundtrack. But you're going to be able to do online play, updated graphics, all that shit shit so that's that's gonna be great the soundtrack for Tony Hawk those those were incredible that is like the soundtrack to my adolescence right I used to just play the the Bob Rehnquist Blitzkrieg book and we would just that'd be the we'd make that the only song you could play what was the guy's name Superman by Goldfinger no what was the Bob Burnquest.
Burnquest. Bob Burnquest.
Bucky Lastic was my guy. With the glasses.
Yep. Yeah.
Sick. Okay, my hot seat is Florida beaches.
Florida beaches are on the hot seat. So they're opening up the beaches in Florida.
And that's not the reason why I'm putting them on my hot seat. The reason why is because there have been a bunch of protests in Florida about them not opening the gyms up up in florida so i don't know if you saw this there were a lot of people that were on the sidewalk in front of the capital i believe they're doing squats they were doing burpees to protest gyms not being open so you can't get your gains in but it's actually a sneaky genius move by the florida government to open up the beaches but not open up the gyms which will encourage fewer people to go to the beaches because they're not in beach shape yet wait but hold on back up one second so a bunch of people went to the capital and worked out to protest not being able to work out yes correct they were they worked out on yeah on the sidewalk to be like why would you let us do this you have taken my freedom to do this, which I'm doing now.
But it is kind of a smart move to be like, Hey, yeah, you can go to the beach, but you're going to be in the worst shape of your life. Yes, absolutely.
My cool throne is Sammy Watkins being in a cult. There was an article today in Bleach Report where it was Ty Dunn, I believe, profiled him, and Sammy Watkins opened up.
And as we've been speculating, we've been squatting on the take that Sammy Watkins is in the cult for the last three years on the show. Sammy really, really let him have it.
Talked about all the weird stuff. He's saying that after this coronavirus is over, we're going to go break the ice on the rings of saturn and live there for a

while before coming back to earth basically it's it's one of these stories that you have a hard time really pointing and laughing at sammy walkins because he was in a dark place when he got drafted by the bills because he didn't have josh allen yet and he just went out and partied every single night had a miserable life did not enjoy his life was under so much pressure and then he kind of like rediscovered himself

by getting into a

cult and so now he's happy life did not enjoy his life was under so much pressure and then he kind of like rediscovered

himself by getting into a cult and so now he's happy that he's in a cult well he also gets the

uh post championship you can kind of say whatever you want for a year like you can just say whatever

you want banners fly forever yeah you just say it and people like well you won a super bowl

exactly yeah and he was awesome in the playoffs yes yeah so he it flies for whatever he's doing right now i guess stick with it if it makes you it doesn't matter what kind of fucked up beliefs you have as long as you're happy and you're not actively hurting somebody else so sammy walkins could believe whatever the hell he wants you dude just uh make sure that your fantasy owners are happy on sund. Yes.
That's the true cult that you should belong to. Yes.
All right. My hot seat is Doja Cat, number one.
Is that a nickname for yourself? No. Did you set me up? No.
Okay. So she's a rapper.
You guys told me to do this. Doja Cat said that she would show her tits if she went number one, and then she went number one, and she's like, I played all of you.

I haven't been this disappointed since the time those porn stars said

that they'd give everyone blowjobs if, like, Brazil won the World Cup.

Well, I think that this qualifies as wire fraud.

Doesn't it?

Yeah.

I mean, she said it using wires.

I got entrapped into being horny for Nickiki minaj and now she's taking it back that's doja cat doja cat different people nicki nikki minaj is on the song though oh she's on the song yes oh well yeah who gives a shit oh no i'm not gonna get to see doja cats no doja cats i would actually say i'd rather see doja Cat's than Nicki Minaj after all the plastic surgery she's had. Doja Cat seems like she might have the real ones.
Something going on? The real ones. All right, yeah, well, yes.
Doja Cat, what the fuck? I always wanted to see your boobs and now I can't. Like, at least have fun with it.
At least play it out. Don't just be like, I played you hard.
That hurts. That really hurts.
I listened to that song so many times. It's a boy who cried milf.
What is it? What's the song? Didn't mean to notice. Why don't you stay so? Didn't mean to notice.
The TikTok song. It really has nothing to do with the boobs.
It's really just she got the TikTok wave, right? Yeah. If Doji Cat shows her boobs.
Well, no. it got big on TikTok and then they released the remix and that she was like

if the remix goes number one, I'll show

my... So it was like kind of both.
Okay. Got it.
I'll show

my nuts if she shows her boobs.

Okay. That's my word to you, Doja Cat.

Deal. Alright.

My other hot seat is

our medical

profession, the world of

medicine, neurosurgeons,

people who study brains because Darren Revell is here. the profession, the world of medicine, neurosurgeons,

people who study brains because Darren Revell is here with some definitive scientific studies that he has put out.

He said this is how it's done when it comes to bringing the NFL back.

Number one, players sign waivers.

The team isn't responsible for them contracting COVID-19.

Number two, all players will sign.

Parentheses.

They already get CTE with near certainty.

Number three, players who test positive stay off for two weeks.

Number two.

Let's go back to number two.

Number two, all players will sign.

Parentheses.

They already get CTE with near certainty.

Darren Revell, normally when you fuck around

and you're talking about Pantones

and how much seats cost next to a person who's obese that you claim no one wants to sit next to, it's all fun and games. You don't know how to read a scientific study.
That's pretty obvious. If I could get on my tiny soapbox here to bring me up to 5'9", I will say this to Darren Revelle.
what he said actually does damage to the cause of people who are trying to find out what the impact of CTE is on families and people that play in the NFL. Because you have to be a fucking dumbass to read that report and see that it's 100 out of 101 brains have CTE and think that that means 99% of NFL players have it.
That means that of the sample of people whose family members thought, yes, my husband or father killed themselves because they thought they had CTE, those brains that were donated ended up coming back positive. It's not the entire league.
How about the simple fact that we can't diagnose CTE in living people yet? So to say anything with near certainty would be completely wrong and dangerous.

There are a lot of people out there that play in the NFL that will not develop CTE.

They're trying to figure out ways to prevent it.

And Darren Revelle threw it.

The worst part of it was not just that first tweet,

but all the different replies that he answered that he was saying,

no, my numbers are correct.

Well, actually, you're wrong, Darren. Yeah, he's lost.
He's lost. Darren Revell is lost, and he needs to be found.
Open invite, Darren, to come on and be found because we will find you. We will shake you up and put you back into it.
Oh, I see Billy Football's in there. Oh, Billy, what did you say? There were so many ways you could phrase number two in a jokey way or neutral way, but you legit chose the one demeaning soulless way and sounds like an asshole.
Way to go, Billy! Go off, King. Yeah! Tore him a new asshole.
Wait, that's our fucking kid right there. Handshake.
Handshake's in the chat. Handshake.
Handshake's in the chat. Yep.
Fuck yeah, Billy. Fuck that, Darren.
All right my cool throne is uh us because we're about to call marlon's man because marlon man sent us all dms today saying it's been almost a month since i asked you to call me and you haven't called me which we did try to call him he just didn't pick up but we're gonna call him right now so let's calllon's man. Finally figure out what he wanted to talk about.

He said it's been almost a month since you didn't pick up my urgent call.

Marlon's man, what's up?

It's the guys from Pardon My Take.

Oh, I love those guys.

How are you guys doing?

We're doing good, man.

I noticed that.

Here's the story.

Go off, Ken. I love what you're doing.

And what I really love.

Wait, you're on the show right now, just so you know.

You're on the show.

Oh, I'm on the show, so I got to behave.

Okay, yeah.

Thank you. I love what you're doing and what I really love.
Wait, you're being, you're on the show right now. Just so you know, you're on the show.
Oh, I'm on the show. So I, okay, I got to behave.
Okay. Yeah.
Well, first of all, okay. Just so you know, although I stopped, I was the underbidder to David to go meet.
Oh man. How high were you willing to go? Marlon's man.
At some point in time, I'd rather buy a horse. Yes.
You know, maybe a derby winner or something and let him have it. But I backed out at like 160-something.
God damn. That would have been funny too, though, having Marlins man.
I didn't want to get into bidding war with him. And I was even going to say, like, maybe he could bring me as his guest or something, you know? Like, I dress up in a...
No! If I won, I'd bring him as my guest. He could come dressed up.
That would be funny. Yes.
Okay, what's two? But, number two was, you guys are very involved, and I like them, with Penn National, right? Yes, very involved. You could say that.
There are governors. I like very much horse race that you have going around on the track.
Catcane. No? Yeah? So, and I also love Doug's, the coach, the big heavy coach starting at Florida State, going all over.
I think it's great. Yes.
But here's the thing. I know personally the owner of Gulfstream.
And the former president of Gulfstream is my friend and he works here in my building and I told him why don't we do something to try and get all these people who like barstools to realize how cool horse racing is because you guys always are at the front you don't you're not followers you're leaders and why don't we do something instead of you having post time at 4 57 for a race, why don't we make a Barstool sports race at Gulfstream at like 4.57 while Penn National was closed because of the coronavirus epidemic?

And if it works out well, then you guys should have races, the Barstool race of the day, at the different Penn National tracks at night.

Penn National's tracks mostly run at night. The reason why that's so important, on the West Coast, it's three hours earlier.
So I was thinking you might want to consider doing, and I know Portnoy has been to Gulf Stream. I've seen them there on Pegasus Day, you know? And I was thinking, why don't we get for free, for free, for them? Why don't you want to pay him anything? Why don't I give him the sponsor, like, once a day, the Barstool race? You're coming at Big Cat's livelihood right now.
No, no, that's okay, Marlisman. No, no, I love what he's doing.
You just think it sucks. It's a great idea.
And I think, well, wait a minute, you've got to calm down, because we don't have the Capitals don't have any of the Washington team that national is going now and I'm frustrated. I love that area.
He thinks you're, yeah. Marlins man, how about this? How about we do a little tick for tat? Are we on the show still? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How about this though? How's your mom doing? Shut the fuck up, Marlins man. Yes.
Shut up. Yes.
You keep your mouth shut. She's great.
She's healthy. I actually liked her.
She was nice. Oh, we know.
Yeah, I know you did. I know you liked her.
And it's pretty funny because you were the Marlins woman, so it kind of falls in. How about that? That's crazy, huh? Yeah.
Marlins man, how about this? Hey, Hank. Yeah.
What's up with you're doing with Rita? I think that you guys together makes me happy, and I like her as a person, and much So don't mess this one up She's a good kid What about this Marlins man What if we did something like what you're suggesting With the race But also you buy a horse That races on Big Cat's track So you purchase a mini horse I know that you're really into horses I actually have a mini horse I can sell you. I'm going to tell you.
Wait, before I forget, they reached out to the coronavirus chain stuff. But you guys said you wanted to do it.
When I was at the Army-Navy game this year, and of course I had better seats than Trump. Trump was sitting in back of me in the first row.
I'm in first row. Trump's in back of me.
They said, whatever happened to the big cat and PFT going with you, Tyran and Iraq with the Mermaid? We should do that. Oh, yeah.
We got to do that. Wait, wait, wait.
Here's what happened. I mean to get over there.
Somebody wrote an article two weeks ago about the Mermaids and how they missed them compared to the nude flasher at the World Series. And all the former Mermaids called me up and they said, we want a reunion tour.
We want to go to New York, L.A., and Chicago. And I said, why those cities? And they said, just how smart they are.
Because they're all dark blue. We'll stand out in contrast.
We want to wear Marlins bikini. That's why.
And jump up and down. I said, I got better.
Why don't we make orange barstool bikinis? You'll jump up and down it. Hell yes.
All right, Marlon's been. These are great ideas.
Hank's going to text you because we should actually talk about the racing thing. We'll talk about it offline, all right? Yeah, but I just want to know.
I really like what you guys do, and I really like nobody intimidates you. And, you know, I started out with you guys about five, six years ago, and I believed you.
I took a lot of help for sticking up for you everywhere. And now everybody believes in it.
I think it's great. Wouldn't be here without you.
All right, Monsman. Hank, we'll be in touch.
Okay. All right, perfect.
All right. Thanks, Scott.
Great talking to you. See you, Monsman.
See you. My mom says that you're a great friend.
AFT, tell your mom I miss her. All right, so Hank, you will follow up.
Yeah.

If you don't follow up, I'm going to fucking... I'll be mad, dude.

That would be sick, though.

You can't follow up.

If you bought one of your horses...

Yeah, that I can sell him.

Yeah, $15,000, $20,000.

I want 10%.

Be like, deal, follow up then.

All right.

Secure the deal.

Okay, now I will.

I want 10% as the ideas guy behind that.

Nah.

Five.

Done.

I'll buy you dinner.

Done.

Okay.

That was...

We're on the cool throne.

We're on the cool throne we're on the cool throne we finally called marlon's man uh all right let's get to our interviews we have two things coming up so we're going to do pat and oswald first and then we are starting a dungeon and dragons adventure we are nerd hour it's a nerd hour we have tim woods our dungeon master is going to basically he's starting an adventure with us and billy football and we are going to do every two weeks we're going to pick up where we left off so 30 minute bites of it until we reach i don't know how you win it but we'll win this game so it was very funny ridiculous ridiculous premise but let's do that pft you got a quick ad before pat before we get to pat and oswald i want to talk to you guys about our good good friends over at simply safe with all the uncertainty in this world feeling safe at home has never been more important that's why i want to talk to you about simply safe home security they're longtime friends of part of my take and for good reason simply safe has made it easy to finally get comprehensive protection for your home. I think they've been advertising with us since like 2017.
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Make sure that they know that part of my take sent you from SimpliSafe and all of us here. We're wishing you guys safety and good health.
And now Patton Oswalt. Okay, we now welcome on very special guest he has a new uh stand-up out in may 19th it is patten oswald i love everything is the new uh stand-up you can watch it on netflix you got nothing else to do so you better be watching it uh are you well i'm sorry thanks for that ringing that is a ringing endorsement you got nothing else to do you got nothing else to do, so you better be watching it.
Are you? Well, I'm sorry.

Thanks for that ringing endorsement. That is a ringing endorsement.
You got nothing else to do. You got nothing else to do.
Are you? That's true. I'll take it.
Are you like there's this part of you like everyone just stuck at home watching Netflix. This is a Netflix boom for anyone who's got something coming out.
So whenever they announce some new show that premieres, I'm so excited. When a new movie comes out or a new season is something, I go.
Yeah, I could not be more happy for new television. Yes, absolutely.
Yeah. So you've been in all my favorite shows, which is crazy.
Looking back through your body of work, you've done some very, very funny shows with very, very funny comedians that you're co-acting with.

And a lot of these shows, it seems like there's a lot of improv that goes on during the scenes. So, you know, you have a direction where you want to go, if it's Parks and Rec or if it's Veep or what have you.
I've always wondered in an environment like that, is it competitive? Are you trying to out-funny the person next to you to a certain extent? When you're younger, yes, you do try to do that because you're so you're trying to like make your name or you find your place in the scene. But as you get older, what you learn is the best way to make the whole scene funnier and thus make yourself more memorable is if everyone is trying to make each other funnier in the scene.
If you're all setting each other up and the scene starts cooking and then everyone the event of the scene, and they remember that you were part of this amazing scene. But if everyone's trying to bulldozer one another and be like, I'll be the funny one in the scene, then yes, you'll get a funny moment, but the scene will die, and the moment out of context won't really land.
So the best scenes, and if you watch shows like Parks and rec and veep and stuff like that it's people trying to make each other funny in the scene and that always builds it up so much better so going off what pft just said about how you've been in pretty much everything and i agree so many so many funny scenes funny shows what is your approach when it comes to like work and how you decide what you're going to do because you don't usually see actors and comedians who are in as much you know as many things as you are in yeah um i i guess with me it's just i'm very very i've been very very fortunate to get to you know i think when i do something i'm usually so excited to be there and that i guess word of that gets around like he likes being in things let's you know bring him in he'll and i try to always usually when i'm in something i'm a fan of what i'm in i mean right now television is so good that's a weird thing to say but tv is so good that all the shows you get to be on you're like oh i'm gonna i remember this amazing something, so you show up excited, and then it just kind of snowballs from there. Yeah, it is true.
We are kind of in that golden age. It feels weird to say, but we are in a golden age of television where there are so many good things going on at the same time, and you can watch anything at any time.
in any kind of subject matter like if you like

science fiction there's amazing science fiction if you like sports not just the live sporting events now there's like the sports documentaries on on um uh 30 for 30 and the stuff that hbo documentaries does about sports um adam carolla has some racing documentaries on netflix that are fascinating.

Again, any area that you're

interested in, there's something really well

made. Adam Carolla has some racing documentaries on Netflix that are fascinating.
Like, again, any area that you're interested in, there's something really well made about it. Obviously, true crime, obviously comedy, all that stuff.
It's just it's everything is exploding and it's fascinating. I've always wondered if there's a difference between being in, you know, a big hit show that comes out on Netflix and one that trickles out traditionally where it's got your defined seasons and you get like kind of like a lasting, oh, you're the guy that's in this television show.
And it kind of, you know, it lasts years at a time, whereas it comes out on Netflix and everybody is just singing your praises for a few months, telling you how great this is. But then it kind of fades away really quickly.
Like which one of those two dynamics do you prefer you prefer that's a wow i never thought i wonder if that's going to change how people wow because with tv with what you said tv that that comes out like an episode a week over a number of years you kind of develop and grow with the character and you grow with people's reactions to it yeah but with a netflix hulu series where you shoot the whole thing and they just here's the whole series you have kind of made yes you still develop the character and you shoot it over you know however months it takes to shoot it but you have decided on that character and then the the public kind of reacts to it in total rather than week to week or especially if you do like a traditional sitcom or one hour show on network TV, you're about four or five episodes ahead. So if an episode comes out and people react strongly for or against something, you will adjust that as you do future episodes.
And that's always, that was always part of TV. I never thought of it that way.
I wonder if there are,

there's probably younger actors coming up

that will never understand that process.

Right.

I gotta imagine it's a good thing

to be able to react to your audience a little bit

and see what works.

Was there a time in your career,

like one of the characters that you were playing,

where you did adjust what you were doing?

I do remember very clearly

the first couple seasons of King of Queens. I was just not a trained actor and I was really, really floundering and I wasn't able to figure out how to make the character funny.
And then so in between seasons two and three, I started working with an acting coach and had a friend come and read lines with me and really, really work on like what to do with the scenes and maybe mess around. And I would like rewatch the episodes, especially to watch people like Kevin James and Jerry Stiller, who are so amazing.
And then to see like, well, how are they landing this stuff so effortlessly and then putting that work in and figuring that out? Wow, that's a really good area to explore because also what's happened is, yes, it's a good thing to adjust, but sometimes it's a bad thing. If all you're doing is chasing the audience's approval, you can miss the opportunity to develop your character in a unique way that at first people don't like.
And then they go, Oh, wait a minute. That's amazing.
which some of these Netflix and Hulu shows allow the actors to do without them.

And that. unique way that at first people don't like and then they go oh wait a minute that's amazing which some of these netflix and hulu shows allow the actors to do without them an actor an actress can work and they don't have to have a studio exec come in and go well the ratings aren't good you got it you know they are allowed to develop their i don't know which is there's positives and negatives to both that's a really interesting question yeah it's it's it's also like i've actually even noticed that um i'm re-watching because again we have nothing to do i'm re-watching all the office and i remember watching it the first time loving the the pam and jim storyline and being like i'm rooting for them and now i'm re-watching it maybe it's because i know the ending but i i'm so annoyed by them constantly on camera and i think it's because i'm watching four or five episodes in one night where i'm seeing their interactions i'm like this is over the top whereas when you watch it once a week and a new one comes out it doesn't it feels like you have a whole life in between and it doesn't feel as in your face wow you know that's a really the office and parks and rec are really good examples because very famously the first six episodes of those shows the tones are so different than the rest of the series they tried to be everyone was a little meaner and negative and because they were trying to emulate ricky gervais and they learned very quickly people don't like this and they adjusted those shows especially parks and rec parks and rec early on it's very very snarky very dark um very kind of anti-hero-esque and then they adjusted it and then made the show work so but what you're saying with a netflix or hulu model they don't do that adjustment that's the whole season and sometimes if you shoot a show you're in a bubble where you're on set going god this is so brilliant but what you think is so brilliant when you put it in front of an audience you're just like i don't get this have you ever had a moment where you've been part of a project and uh in the moment you're like this is awesome and then you yourself watch it back and be like oh that i would have done something differently here yeah there's been a couple of things and i and I don't want to name them because some of them are done by friends of mine and some of them have friends of mine in it.
But yeah, there's been a couple of things, a couple of movies, a couple of TV episodes that I've been in where I'm like, this decision I'm making is pretty cool. And then you see how people react to it.
You're like, oh, yeah, I might have been a little self-indulgent there. Or something that we did on one day, but then fit in in a bigger context just doesn't work, and you've got to lose it.
And it's heartbreaking when that happens. It happens.
It's part of the risk, but it's also part of the fun at the same time. Do you have any problems writing a character and then turning it over to somebody else? No.
In fact, I like when I write a character that, you know, there's a series that I produced and wrote, co-wrote for Hulu coming out later this year called MODOK. And it's all voiceover.
It's animated and seeing characters that we wrote and develop, but then seeing how people interpreted them with voiceover and took them different ways is fascinating and it's so cool to watch that's always fun for me i always love that bring something new something you did that that uh struck me is about five years ago i don't know if you remember it but uh you did the twitter thread after trevor noah became the daily show host and there was the old jokes and stuff and basically your Twitter thread was you told one joke and then you had 57 tweets after that explaining the joke and apologizing if anyone was offended in any different way do you one remember and two do you still kind of stand by the idea that comedy should be protected and things that are taken out of context from years past can't be judged the same way? Well, I stand by two things in comedy. I stand by context and I also stand by evolution.
Yes, you always have to put things within their context. If you look back at, you know, look, there's moments in the movie Ghostbusters that are very sketchy by today's standards in terms of like, but you have to also keep in mind the context of the time and go, that's how things were back then.
Let's not cancel this thing after the fact. And then let's embrace the evolution and the moving on that we've done.
Those two things are what makes comedy exciting is that there's the context and you got to keep context no matter what, but you also have to go, Hey, comedy's got to change. Comedy's got to, after a while, you got to go, you can't just go, well, that was always funny.
Yeah. But it's not anymore.
We got to move forward and that's fine. Yeah.
You know, both of those things can exist at the same time. Otherwise we'd still be doing knock knock jokes.
And I'm not even saying knock knock jokes are offensive but you could argue like won't knock knock jokes work back in the 1920s was doomed that no we just keep moving on and rolling forward i like that answer because it does seem sometimes that it becomes like a black and white debate of you know if someone said something then they're out or, uh, I mean, yeah, try reading

Mark Twain right now. Right.
And like you open his book and you're like, yeah, this guy's canceled.

Right. But it's, it's things that were funny 10 years ago.
They, they were, you can't take away

that feeling that they were funny 10 years ago. I was, I, I, it made me very happy a few days ago.

Somebody tried to start a, um, Twitter thread canceling Robert Downey Jr. for Tropic Thunder for doing the character in blackface and someone else pointed out and it got like 143,000 retweets.
Like he's not making fun of black people. He's making fun of white actors who think they can play any role, which is something that you have been outraged by.
And this is a perfect example of what, so you can't, so you're just totally canceling this out of context and not saying that this person is actually on your side. Right.
Yeah. You're looking at it in two dimensions and just seeing what's in front of you and saying, okay, that I associate that with being bad, ignoring the whole purpose behind the character.
If you show anyone just the first 10 minutes of Blazing Saddles,

you could then argue, we've got to cancel Mel Brooks.

This is the most racist.

Look at this movie.

Watch the whole thing, and you'll see that it is the most anti-racist.

People thought Jojo Rabbit was a pro-Nazi film.

Yeah, right.

And I'm just like, are you?

Yes, this joins other pro-Nazi films like Seven Beauties and Europa, are you? Like, yes, this joins other pro-Nazi films, like Seven Beauties and Europa Europa and To Be or Not To Be. Like, these are all clearly anti-Nazi movies, but part of it is you have to, it just reminds me of like, sometimes when you make fun of something, you want to show how something horrible is.
First, you have to embrace it before you can strangle it. So part of that that he was showing that part of the evil of nazism is that it could sweep people up and it was very appealing to people but in the end it's horrible it's like people who watch the film goodfellas and go that's how it should be man friends hanging out it's like you are missing the point of this movie the point of this movie is it seems really really fun at the beginning and they're all about honor, always keep your mouth shut, never rat on your friends.
And all they do is throw each other under the bus and rat on each other. That's the irony of that movie is none of them live by that standard.
And so the same people that try to cancel stuff are the same people that watch like Goodfellas or Scarface and go, yeah, that's how how it's done wolf of wall street was about a dude that just did a bunch of drugs and fucked all this hot tail running around kicks ass yeah but you're like did you see how those movies ended because they don't they don't come out very well yeah so i have a one follow-up to that and um i i completely agree with what you just said my my only question is have have you noticed at all in the creative communities, people maybe not taking as many risks? Because that's my biggest thing is I don't want people who are insanely creative to stop taking risks with comedy, with satire, with all these things in fear of a mob mentality. when anything new, when any new kind of ism pops up like looking at things that are problematic looking at things that are not woke people will initially take it and they'll take it way too far because it's a new toy and they'll run around with it and they'll shoot someone's eye out with it and so and it sucks it sucks when that happens and then the stuff gets scaled'm not seeing, yes, for a while I did see comedians taking less risks because the atmosphere was so supercharged and it was being done so clumsily.

But now have you noticed that people are taking even cleverer risks that are getting around all the PC stuff?

Back to Jojo Rabbit, the guy made a comedy where a kid has Hitler as an imaginary friend. And it was nominated for an Oscar.
The show Succession makes you root for the most evil, rapey, racist characters you've ever seen on TV. Whenever a new structure comes along, there's always someone that can then come along and find a cool way around it that actually advances things.
The structures that were there in the late 50s, Lenny Bruce came along, found a way around it. The structures against women in comedy, Joan Rivers came along, found a way around it.
Like everyone keeps finding clever ways. There's always the clumsy attempt to tamp everything down.
First in the 50s, it was the conservatives. Oh, we've got to tamp everything down.
And then clever people find a way over it. Now it's the PC woke people trying to tamp everything down.
People find clever ways around it. There's always the push and then the push through.
So we're just seeing the dawn of the push through. And then in five or 10 years, there'll be another push to tamp things down.
And someone else will find a clever way around it. And that's what keeps comedy, music, movies, TV.
That's what keeps it exciting. Right.
The trick is to find, to put out the right intent and go out the right target and have the right message. And if you're doing that, then there are ways around every use the word clever.
And I think that, you know, sometimes when you see things like PC culture, tamping things down, a lot of people's reactions is, well, I'm just going to go out there and be the most offensive that I can to get around it. And that's not always the, that's not the funny way to get around it.
That's not the clever way. The clever way is finding, you know, some irony or something to some contradiction to poke at and then use that.
The whole point of getting into comedy is to always find clever ways around the shushers, whether the shushers be conservative or liberal or leftist or right wing, whatever it is. Our job is to find the clever way around it.

The clever way around it is to not throw a temper tantrum

and go, well, I'm just going to say the N-word 50 times.

Well, anyone can do that.

That's not, find the way that the person

that would normally shush you would go,

oh shit, that was actually good.

All right, you know what I mean?

Believe me, there were plenty of,

I had plenty of conservative friends who back in the day would watch the daily show and go ash this is still pretty good and i have plenty of very liberal left-wing friends that still listen to stuff like some of the stuff that bill burr does and they go ah shit that's like that's a good point though yeah so because they find clever ways around it and so that's what you but that's what you always have to do is you're not, you're, I'm not in, I'm not in comedy to be liberal or conservative. I'm comedy to be funny.
And if there wasn't, if there wasn't any, there wasn't any hurdles for me to find a way around it, it would be so boring. I like that there's hurdles that I can figure out a way around them.
That makes it more fun. Cause then you're like, we all got away with it.
This is great. So let me ask you this.
If you're playing a character that might be pushing some boundaries, a character that's objectively a bad person, like your character from Veep, right? Pretty creepy dude. So you spend all day on set being that person, being this creepy guy.
Do you have to remind yourself like, hey, I'm doing this as part of a larger thing

where I'm making fun of this creepy guy?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, especially if you look at all the stuff

that Albert Brooks, Ricky Gervais, Martin Mull,

even Steve Martin did back in the day,

they wanted to play the people that they couldn't stand

to show you how awful they were.

And someone like Teddy Sykes,

who there are, unfortunately,

there's people like that in the world as we now know as well as we now know we oh hey we always knew it but now it's all out in the open it's good to it's good to play that character and show you how pathetic and kind of secretly afraid he actually is and that's what he's overcompensating for you know you i don't i it's no fun playing the person who's pointing out that things are wrong and stupid i'd rather play what is wrong and stupid and show you how dumb it is yeah fun of it that way like like fred willard fred willard is the king of playing the most loathsome characters that you just love because you can see how much fun he's having ripping them apart. Um,

yeah. king of playing the most loathsome characters that you just love because you can see how much fun he's having ripping ripping them apart um so i've never seen uh star wars but i'm also not one of those people who hang on no no no let me finish the question hold on i'm not one of those people who uh looks down on star wars i just it just never was for me but i know how popular it is and I know a lot of people who listen to this show like it.
So can you talk about Star Wars? That's my Star Wars question. Well, you know what's kind of interesting? I mean, you never having seen Star Wars, it would be fascinating for you now just to sit and watch it only to see the origins of so many things that are just throwaway phrases in our culture yeah like it's like when i go back and watch like um uh um if i go back and listen to like really really early post-punk and garage rock and you see the origins of oh wait a minute that nirvana song that's where they got that guitar riff or this thing that's where they got like you see the origins of something that at the time must have seemed so startling and now it's just everywhere that that would actually be a really cool experience for you to either do a podcast on or do a live thing on a guy watching star wars for the first time and going is that where oh yeah that comes from wait a minute oh like to see that happen for the first time i bet that would be fascinating yeah like i've been using that phrase my whole life and i didn't even know it came from that movie i never saw also having seen because interestingly enough i showed my daughter star wars when she was six a bunch of us we found a print of star wars from 1977 before all the tinkering and actual print.
It didn't even say episode four. It just said Star Wars.
Remember they re-released it and made it episode four? It wasn't originally episode four. And we showed it to all of our kids.
And half the kids went crazy. And half the kids, including my daughter, were like, it's fine.
I don't know. It's okay.
It's kind of kind of boring they just talk a lot i you know like because she had seen so many other awesome things since then yeah it didn't land on her the way that it should just like what my dad took me to see star wars he was like i thought flash gordon was amazing in my day and he tried to show me one of those old flash gordons and i was like this is terrible you're like i couldn't believe how bad it was although i could also appreciate oh that's where they got that that's where oh okay they just he repurposed it do you like the direction of the franchise i think they've kind of sold out um i think the franchise like any franchises um is it's it's whoever last has it so So, for instance, I thought that Empire is one of the best sequels ever made because they took what was Star Wars and made it even better. And then Return of the Jedi kind of lost it a little bit.
And then the prequels, let's not talk about those. You're done.
I won't talk about them either. I'll pretend I have a song.
You've got to see Jar Jar. You should actually start.
You should start with episode one and watch them in the order that they were meant to be released. Oh.
Well, I'll tell you something actually interesting you can do in a second. And then I thought Force Awakens was like, okay, I guess we're sort of resetting it.
It was almost like, sorry about the prequels, guys. And then Last Jedi was kind of interesting.
Let's do some new stuff. And all the nerds went, no! And then they went back to, all right, let's just give these guys what they want.
Baby Yoda. Give me Baby Yoda.
Mandalorian is amazing. Yeah.
Is the Star Wars fan base the hardest fan base to please? It's up there. I think it's up there with the Simpsons fan base.
Yep. And maybe the Yankees.
They don't win the World Series. They're like, what the fuck? Wait a minute.
Yeah. In the sports world, what is the equivalent sports fan base of a Star Wars fan base? Eagles.
Cowboys. I mean, we have Eagles fans that that are like i saw one of them after the draft was like this franchise will never win anything it's like dude you won the super bowl three years ago what are you talking about it's it's definitely the cowboys because they they actually called jerry's world death star yeah it's owned by like jerry is darth vader he if you take the mask off he looks exactly like him were really popular back in, like, the 70s and 80s.
I remember. And then they had, like, a small – they had a resurgence in the 90s, and then they haven't really done shit since then.
Oh, my God, it is Star Wars. Yeah.
And they've got the star on the helmet. Yeah, they have fans who are fans who love them, but no matter what the team does, they hate it.
Yeah, absolutely. There's no pleasing them.
It's interesting that you mentioned the Simpsons. I thought of it that way.
I feel like the Simpsons would be one where if everybody out there watched the Simpsons, they would realize that there are so many people that are less funny than they thought they were. There are so many people who are just really good at using Simpsons quotes at the right time.
Yes, I absolutely agree. Well, that's like if someone who has never seen the movie Caddyshack or The Big Lebowski and seen it for the first time and go, oh, is that where half of these phrases come from? Oh, my God.
Literally, it's part of our language now. It's ridiculous, the amount of stuff.
Seriously, dude, that would be a really cool limited side project for you watch star wars and then have you just go oh oh that's where the matrix took that from that's where that's oh yeah like i might do it i might do it is there uh is there anything that you've written that has become one of those phrases that that's entered into the public lexicon maybe a lot of people don't know where where it came from. I mean, I keep seeing people say the phrase.
Well, the two of them that I said that I keep seeing pop up as memes is failure pile in the sadness bowl is how I described the Kentucky Fried Chicken famous bowl where they just, Kentucky Fried Chicken gave up up and go let's just put our menu in a

bowl and covered it in cheese and gravy

and it became the most popular thing they've ever done.

Yeah, no offense. They created

an entree that is how you eat

when you're suicidal and America said

yes, finally, that's what I want.

No offense, that was a bad take on your part. I love the

Famous Bowl. It's so convenient.

It solves all the problems.

It's one bowl. I don't have to deal with all this shit.
put it all together it all ends up in the same place anyways were you ever colonel sanders no you know what i feel like you should have been there's been like 40 of them i know and they they like sent me a after i did that bit that kind of went viral they sent me two bobbleheads one of Colonel Sanders and one of me, which I'm like, this is some weird kind of Sicilian messenger. I don't know what this is.
And then the other line of mine is science. We're all about coulda, not shoulda.
And that was about the 65-year-old woman giving birth to twins. Yep.
I feel like, Oh, wait a minute. Hang on.

Going back.

I just,

the Godfather thing.

I just thought of something.

So you guys have obviously seen the first Godfather.

Yes.

That's there's a,

there's a really interesting movie.

It's not a great movie, but it's still good called you've got mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

And there's a whole subplot about,

he keeps using phrases from the movie,

the Godfather, which is another movie where half of the dialogue is just part of our slang now. Yep.
And she's like, why do you, what do you mean go to the mattresses? And he goes, what it means is how hard are you willing to commit to winning this battle? Are you going to go to the mattresses after you, you know, and you realize he goes, that movie is a way for men to articulate how they have to live in the world yes you know what i mean there's so many lines in there kind of reminds me what you might be going through with star wars where you're going to be you're oh you're going to be pretty meg ryan going that's what yes these aren't the i mean literally these aren't the droids you're looking for. It's now like part of a phrase, basically.
It's slang for like don't ignore what is literally in front of you. Do or do not, there is no try.
Yeah. I'm more of a Godfather 3 guy, but I'd like to pretend that movie never existed.
Yeah, I've never seen that movie. Godfather 3 is

the prequels of the Godfather films in

terms of people going, let's just pretend that this has

never happened. Yeah.
MST3K,

Mystery Science Theater 3000, that

seems like another franchise with a

fan base that would be impossible to please.

Weirdly enough, that fan

base is one of the sweetest

fan bases because the personality

of the show, it's Joel Hodgson, who is such a

just a genuinely nice guy.

And he, all of his comedy, it's never

I'm not sure. fan bases, one of the sweetest fan bases, because the personality of the show, it's Joel Hodgson, who is such a, just a genuinely nice guy.
And he, all of his comedy, it's never mean spirited. It's all about, we're in a horrible situation.
We're trapped on a satellite, cut off from earth. They're making us watch bad movies.
How do we make the best of this awful situation with my friends? So it's all about making do with what you have. So it's almost like the corporate culture of MST3K is, don't complain.
If it doesn't work for you, make it better. You know what I mean? Whereas I think the corporate culture of some of these other fandoms is, I am owed everything.
It's the line from The Simpsons when the comic book guy is like, it's the worst episode ever, and I feel like they owe me an apology. It's like, you know it's like we it's the line from the simpsons when the comic book guy is like it's the worst episode ever and i feel like they owe me an apology it's like they've given you years of entertainment for free just goes worst episode ever like you just want to be angry you know yep we we yeah i feel like if anyone who's in any creative capacity gets that at some point where they're like give us more of what we want and it And it's like, but I have given you that for many, many years.
And then we do one thing like, fuck you. I'm sure you've experienced this is because my friends who are podcasters, if you drop an episode an hour late, the comments are what the fuck, dude, what's going like, dude, it's an hour late.
We just wanted to tweak it for you. So it would be good.
Yeah, well we from the very start we very smartly uh had hank put the episodes out and he would fall asleep so they knew from like day one if it's late coming out hank passed out for four hours that's good yeah we've avoided that um i have one last question so your stand-up special i love everything may 19th netflix, Netflix. What is, like, the overarching theme? Give us the elevator pitch, why we got to watch it.
We're going to watch it anyway, just so you know, because you're a very funny guy. You're watching a guy embracing 50 and being annoyed with the fact that he actually understands too much, and it's hard to truly hate anything anymore because you know, even when someone's being a dick, you maybe know why they're being a dick you're like oh I'm just too old to have hatred anymore hatreds for the young I miss it I like that yeah I like that a lot I really like that because there is something about we deal every now and then with like remembering that when you're in your 20s and that feeling like you know everything, but you actually know nothing.
Oh, my God. You want to get a perfect example of this? And I'm sure you've experienced this as sports fans as you get older and you understand what athletes go through.
So stuff that you got angry at when you're young, you're like, look at this shell out. Then you get older, you go, good for him making some money.
I know how horribly they're treating him.

When I was a young music fan,

whenever a band would loan their song to a

product or a commercial, I'm like,

this is fucking bullshit.

Then I began to

be friends with a lot of musicians and I

saw how horrible their record

contracts were, their residuals were.

Then when I heard, whenever I hear a song in a commercial,

I'm like, good for them.

Good.

Their kids' teeth are straight, and they can retire when they're 60.

Good for them.

I'm so happy.

I agree with you, but at the same time,

it is weird sometimes hearing a Lou Reed song in a car commercial.

But it's also the way that a lot of people,

like Bob Dylan selling Volvos,

I bet you there's a bunch of people who found out, like, oh my God, that song was pretty cool. Let me go check this out.
Exactly. When I found out that Smash Mouth wrote the song All Star to try to sell the Nike, they wrote it specifically to sell the Nike.
And Nike was like, yeah, we're good. And then they sold it to Gatorade.
I'm like, good for them. What was the other one? Wait, I had no idea.
You just blew my mind.

Yeah.

All Star was not written about just like somebody telling somebody else that the world's going to roll them.

What was their other song that was the movie?

What was that movie that they did?

Mystery Men.

Yeah.

Mystery Men.

It came out.

Yeah.

Was that All Star?

Yeah.

And they also put it because the movie was like, can we use your song?

And they're like, absolutely. Make that money.
I like like that before we let you go i have one question uh to wrap things up i was a big fan of your performance in big fan so thank you you have obviously spent some time listening to sports talk radio uh did now did you did you write all that stuff yourself where you where you're you know calling into show every single night? Because we have some people that call into our radio shows here that I think they write their script out and they're like, okay, I know exactly what I'm going to say. I didn't write it.
The guy who wrote that movie is the same guy who wrote The Wrestler. And he was obsessed with, he would listen to these call-in programs and he could tell the calls where the guy is clearly like reading a manifesto which i'm sure you guys have experienced and he wrote it he would write it out but he made sure he goes i don't want you to memorize this dialogue i will give you this stuff written out right before we shoot the scene i want it to feel like you're reading it and it's not quite conversational right i want that feel because you you guys must have you guys must have taken calls where you're like you're about to interject you're like oh no wait he's reading a paragraph i gotta let him finish yes i can't take a breath yes if i interject he'll start again he'll go back to the beginning and i you know we can't do this right now yes i also like the end scene where you shot michael rapaport Spoiler alert.
Yeah. Here's it.
You'll like this. That scene we shot in a bar on Staten Island and super low budget movie.
They, for all the extras, they put an ad on Craigslist. Come be an extra in a movie.
So we all got there that morning. We're all, they're setting up the shot and everything.
And all the extras show up to put people in their places. And then a guy, one of the like 20 minutes goes by and one of the extras gets a call and he's like oh god i i have a um i have an emergency i have to leave it is this going to mess up your movie like no there's like 50 people here he goes i'm so sorry i have like this thing at home and he was like really freaking out like dude it's okay you can go don't worry about it we're.
You can leave. Then he leaves and another 10 minutes goes by and people are like, where's my laptop for the – Oh, that's awesome.
He had come in, cased the place with his backpack, grabbed whatever he could off the tables, and then had his friend call him and go, oh, I got to go. I respect the move.
Yeah. What a smart move.
Yeah. That is a smart move.
It's a smart move. All right.
Patton Oswalt has been awesome. Thank you so much.
Everyone go watch the new stand-up special I Love Everything, May 19th on Netflix. Yes.
Dude, do the limited series of you watching Star Wars. That would be fascinating.
You have to come on it then. Yeah, you have to come on it.
I would totally do it. If you do it, I'll totally i'll totally do it i want to see how you react with that'd be amazing i love it i i i will absolutely think about doing it do at least one episode he'll do one i'll make him do a single episode i'm gonna think about it all right all right thanks so much see you guys bye before we get to this ad quick quick reminder for Friday's show.

We're going to be watching another documentary.

This one is going to be Ronnie Coleman, The King.

It's about weightlifting.

It's about bodybuilding.

It's an awesome documentary.

It's very, very funny.

You can watch it on YouTube, Google Play, Amazon.

Check it out.

Ronnie Coleman, The King.

We're going to talk about it on Friday.

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terms apply and now dungeons and dragons okay we now welcome on a very good friend of ours it is tim woods who taught us how to play dungeons and dragons about two years ago we ran the episode on Barstool Gold. We recently re-aired it.
People loved it. So our idea is we're going to start a longer campaign on Part of My Take.
Every two weeks, we will run 30 minutes of our campaign, and we're going to see where it goes. And Tim is going to – what's the official title dungeon dragons master i am a dungeon master although

game master is like i run all different kinds of games but i'm running dungeon dragons i'm a dungeon master i like dungeon master that sounds nice yeah so so before we start let's do a quick refresh for everyone who might be listening for the first time with the dungeon and dragons explain to us

or explain to our audience

what is Dungeons and Dragons

what is Dungeons and Dragons what exactly you do and what we're about to embark on absolutely for sure so Dungeons and Dragons is one of my favorite games of all time it is a type of tabletop role-playing game where basically we're all going to take on the roles of different characters who are in theory going to team up and go on an adventure together whereas you'll all be playing different characters and making choices about what they do and what abilities they use and powers um i will be telling the story talking about what your characters see what they're fighting and i'll be controlling a lot of the monsters but also the good people in world of Dungeons & Dragons and leading you on your adventure, as it were. I am a professional.
So you're a god, basically. You take on the role of a god in this game.
It can be a benevolent god, or you can be as evil as you want to be. Absolutely.
Can you walk us— Go ahead. I'd even go as far as to say I'm in the over-god.
I decide what the gods of Dungeons & Dragons do, so I'm even a step above them. And I want to just note something that you said there that I wanted to take this time to apologize to everyone here because you said we were going to work together last time.
In theory. In theory.
Last time we had an issue because we were running out of time and I realized that I could kill everyone. So I want to take this time and apologize to...

I was a barbarian.

I want to apologize to PFT, who was a bard, and to Hank, who was a warlock.

I killed them both.

I would like to say truce and let's see where this goes, where we work together.

In the time, last time...

Oh, okay, yeah, truce.

Truce. The thing about words is, if you don't mean them they just all stop meaning anything at all last time we were trying to end the game promises this time we're going as far as we can listen a bard has a good memory he forgives you didn't even know you were a bard he forgives but he does not forget until i told you you were a bard uh all right no but i i have a real quick question because i don't know how much we got into the backstory about dungeons and dragons last time when was dungeons and dragons invented and do we know who started it yes actually we do know and that's part of what i wrote about is uh and it was started in the 1970s which interesting is right when computers were getting invented and choose your own adventure books and stuff like that people were all getting into this kind of like procedural systems for games and a guy named gary gygax uh as well as many of his friends including a guy named dave arnison will all kind of work together to create this game and he kind of like went out and crowdsourced all the rules said like what do you think should happen in this game and a lot of it was just kind of like people getting together and creating this simulation in their mind and just anchoring rules to it and the initial rules were like real weird and not that great and complicated and over the years they've gotten a lot better in some ways more realistic but more than anything a lot more fun but Gary Gygax you really only have one job if you're Gary Gax.
That's to create Dungeons & Dragons. It is what he was put on this earth to do without a doubt, I believe.
The Dungeon Master Master himself. Is there a GOAT Dungeons & Dragons player? Who's the best of all time? So it depends on who you ask.
There are many kind of celebrity players out there and stuff. And a very popular Dungeon Master, a masters matt mercer right now their series critical role got picked up by amazon and they're pretty they're doing pretty well right now it's a very popular show at the moment they kickstarted for like 11 million dollars and then got picked up by amazon you got picked up by part of my take so yes exactly you're in there i i'm i'm doing great right now one last question before we jump in can we do like a cross campaign like inside of our campaign can we go kill mike mercer i mean so uh in theory i could always like insert like characters from matt mercer's games like into here or something um it's all like in theory can be one big world if you want and i do sometimes have like characters from one of my games kind of show up under my control in like other games and stuff so it can be fun to do crossover stuff if we beat mike mercer then we're the ghost yeah so um the what's the longest or what's the average time that a game takes i'll say this usually when i run games for customers i'm running a three hour session typically so we kind of be doing an abbreviated version but we can definitely sink our teeth into the action just as we did last time well we'll get to three hours it just is going to take multiple times so we'll stop and pick up okay so what's the first thing we have four players uh billy football is also here he's in the middle of us uh you didn't meet him last time what is this how do we start in theory I would start by first of all just highlighting who your characters are and I know we didn't do this last time but in theory you can come up with a name for your character and decide as much backstory for them as you want new players I never worry too much about that because we're going to be learning who these characters are together, but I'll say generally you would pick your character.
And what we could do is we had some great character selections. Last time we had a barbarian, a bard and a warlock.
That's a great group. We can pick those same characters again, if we want, or we could pick different characters like a different fighty type, a different spell caster.
We didn't, we don't have, well, the bard is kind of a sneaky skill-based character. So we have a lot of the best characters we could get.
Was anyone – and I always say there's four different categories. The fighty types, the spellcasters, the healers, and the sneaky skill-based characters.
Was anyone interested in hearing about them or did they just want to grab their own character? I personally feel we should run back our characters and add billy to our crew yeah so i so all right so i'd be i'm a barbarian uh i'm a bar right and tank is a warlock a warlock so then billy is that like gimli from game of thrones is that warlocks i mean uh lord of the rings lord of the rings absolutely so gimli the dwarf would kind of be like a barbarian or maybe a fighter,

a big, big bruiser.

However, there is a classic archetype of the dwarven cleric,

the dwarf who follows the god of Moradin.

That could be me.

That kind of dwarf is more of a healer, let's say.

Can my bard also be a dwarf?

Your bard can be any race you want it to be. If you want to be a dwarf, absolutely you can be.
Okay, so what is the fourth category? Yeah, make sure you really write it down. Very short.
Five, six. Yeah, super short.
So what is the fourth category that we don't have now? So we have a barbarian, a bard, and a warlock. What's the fourth category we don't have? in theory the healer types would be the ones that you don't have now.
So we have a barbarian, a bard, and a warlock. What's the fourth category we don't have?

In theory,

the healer types

would be the ones

that you don't have yet.

So I mentioned the cleric

and that would be

the fourth kind of perfect

niche that you'd be filling

right now.

So the warlock's

kind of your spellcaster.

The cleric is your healer.

The barbarian

is your big fighty type.

And the bard would be

kind of the more skill-based,

the talkative,

the face. Also, the barbarian is like 20 pounds overweight type and the bard would be kind of the more skill based the talkative the face also the barbarian is like 20 pounds overweight can you write that down i've lost a little bit of weight write that part so all right barbarian shaved too early and his face looks that's true so all right so the the billy's gonna be a cleric absolutely a dwarven cleric i assume or you can know he's gonna be a giant cleric can he be a giant cleric yes um there is a race called goliaths who are like half giants they're not quite full giants they're playable but you you can be a big time and you grow rock out of your like head like basically rick's perfect and cool tattoos okay so that's interesting to me because if you're a Goliath cleric, then actually you worship the Goliath gods.
And I'll admit I don't know a thing about them, so we get to get pretty creative about that. So we have our roles.
What's our next step? Absolutely. So all the stuff about our characters, I'll be kind of letting us know as we go what our powers are what spells we might have available we have a lot of different abilities and on our turns we can kind of go over those but uh we could just be diving right into the action now at this point of course we can if your characters have any names or anything any backstory details you're more than welcome to think about that but i will let us know where our story would be beginning do you guys want to give each other names i would like to be called erlik the warlock erlik the warlock that's pretty good erlik the warlock i love that are you a human erlik or or an elf or a dwarf or a gnome anything like that a goliath i think a gnome warlock gnome warlock i love that idea that's fun gnome warlock my balls excellent what do you want to I'm Bersome warlock.
Gnome warlock. I love that idea.
That's fun.

Gnome warlock. Look at my balls.

Excellent.

What do you want to be, Billy?

I'm berserker Billy.

Berserker Billy the cleric.

The Goliath cleric.

Berserker Billy.

I love that.

You must surely follow like a war god or something with a name like that.

So that's rad.

I love that.

I believe I'll be Wayne. Wayne the bard.
Okay. That's Wayne the Dwarven Bard? Yes.
I think I should go with just a regular. I think I'm just going to be Bob the Barbarian.
Bob the Barbarian is such a classic. I love that.
Just a human barbarian, Bob? Yep. Well, what else could I be? In theory, I mean, elves don't make great barbarians.
Humans are pretty good, and dwarves are pretty good. I'll be a human.
I'll be a Bob the human barbarian. You always got to have one human in the group just being like the normie dude.
Yeah, sure. I'm a norm.
Excellent. You are a norm.
Norm the barbarian. Actually, I should be Norm the barbarian.
Yeah, I'll be Norm the barbarian. Norm the barbarian.
I do like that. Let me make a little note of that.
Norm Chad. Norm the Barbarian yeah I'll be Norm the Barbarian Norm the Barbarian I do like that let me make a little note of that Norm the Barbarian not Norm Chat absolutely so I'm gonna ring the bell game on game on and all of our characters including Norm the Human Barbarian Wayne the D dwarven bard erlik the gnome morlock and berserker billy our goliath cleric all of us have one thing in common whether we've met before or whether we're just getting to know each other we're currently working as caravan guards right now and as level one characters caravan guard is a pretty classic job for you to get.
You know, there's not much, you can't go in and fight a dragon at this level right now. So you're kind of making a little bit of money watching out for bandits and goblins as this caravan full of like 10 wagons has been traveling along this beautiful trail through a land that is called Eltergard.
Eltergard is a land of rolling hills, and it is near a beautiful metropolitan city along the Sword Coast called Baldur's Gate. And we, on this caravan, in theory, are bound for Baldur's Gate, and we're about to stop tonight in a village called Greenest.
And what's nice about Greenest is it's a tiny little place. Nothing bad is ever going to happen.
Oh, that's foreshadowing. Probably, right? I see what you're doing, Tim.
No trouble. It's a teeny tiny little village without anything noteworthy.
We'll sell some cabbages, get some money, and then continue on to Baldur's Gate. Except.
Old takes exposed, Tim, right now.

I'm nervous.

At the moment, you're noticing as you guard this caravan

and are just moseying along on some wagons that the scout for this caravan,

the guy who rides out ahead, is coming riding back,

and he's riding hard right now.

He is riding with urgency quicker than you've ever seen him ride before. And he rides right up to the caravan master.
He's kind of like, the caravan master is like our boss. And the scout rides up to him, and we see him hop off his horse, and he starts talking to the caravan master.
And the caravan master is like, ooh. And we see the caravan master rush over to us.
he says okay the scout just told me greenest the village is on fire i knew right now there's smoke rising from the village i don't know uh uh he said it looked like multiple fires and he said he thought he heard and he looks at the scout and then looks back at you a roar back at you, a roar. Sounds like they're smoking each other out and getting live with it.
Okay. Okay.
Hot box in the village. It's called greenest.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'll trade him some cabbage. Okay.
And so it does sound like the caravan master and the scout are turning to us and are saying, well, what do you think we should do?

Do you want to scout ahead of the caravan?

Should we stop here?

Should we?

What do you think?

And we've got some options.

We could talk to the caravan master, but he doesn't seem to know too much.

We could talk to the scout.

He also seems like he only got a little glimpse or we could just start heading to greenest.

We could do whatever we like.

Let's push.

Push greenest.

I think we got to just say, fuck it.

We're about that action.

Yeah, let's push.

We just go rushing in.

And we're like the A team for this caravan.

They have some guards, but we're the ones who,

if the bandits were to show up, we'd be the problem solvers.

We're the elite force here compared to some of these other, like,

level zero mooks running around.

As you get closer to the village, you can tell that the scout was right.

There is smoke rising.

I'm not going to be seeing the village below. You'll be pretty close to the village.
Let's load out and get the high ground you could roll to try to look at what you can see from far away or you could like grab some of these peasants and roll to see if you can stop them and like get them to tell you what's going i think we take some hostages yeah let's get let's get some peasants absolutely you see nearby you what looks like a small family fleeing up over a hill from behind a tree. And it looks like a dad in the lead swinging like a lantern.
Like he's trying to use that as a weapon. Like, everybody get away.
And there's two kids running after him. And then the mom is in the back.
And she's got a shield and a spear out. She's obviously part of the militia here.
And she had weapons to grab. and she's got a shield and a spear out she's obviously part of the militia here and she had weapons to grab and she's guarding the kids from behind it looks like she's worried there are enemies approaching her it seems do you want to try to yell but they seem pretty far away do you want to roll persuasion to try to like uh see if you can flag them down or in theory the bard would be very good at persuasion you'd have a plus five on this whereas if we're trying to intimidate them and yell at them like tell us what's going on that would be the barbarians for i don't think that we want to intimidate these people we want to because you get through no we want to befriend them and then we want to get to their village can we can we make a note that i would like to speak to the children children can't lie okay.
Okay. You can absolutely...
So I heard, Norm, you're looking to talk to the children, but I'll warn you, your persuasion bonus... Bard can go.
Bard can persuade them. Good call.
I'm the same size as them, so they'll trust me more. Okay, here we go.
Love that. Absolutely.
As a dwarf, yeah, you can start rushing in their direction. Roll a d20, the big die, and then add a plus five to your roll.
Okay, here we go. So you're that much likely to do better.
Here we go. He's rolling.
Rolling now. The die has been cast.
It's only a seven, so it's a 12. With a 12, they're only going to answer one question right now, and then they're just going to be like, we don't have time.
We've got to keep going want to ask them i think you gotta ask like who's in the village huh who's in the village yeah um who is in the village who's in the village the the dad looks at you and he just goes oh like he has no time to answer but the two kids the boy and the girl they look at each other and they the boy's clearly smiling at you he loves to meet a dwarf he probably hasn't met a dwarf before and then he blurts out red robes guys in red robes and the little ones little little monsters and their friends who have red robes i don't know they're taking everything they're taking everything in the village and setting it on fire and then his sister like grabs her and says like shut up we gotta go okay so what do we do now push i think we gotta go full send in this village i want to hear what tim has to say what does red robes mean do we know oh good question so if you're wondering what red robes might mean you can roll a history check and i would say everybody could roll this history check and if anybody, yeah, everybody roll a d20 to see if you know what red robes might be. What are we looking for here? And in theory the warlock has a plus four.
If you get a 15 or higher let me know. But the warlock's really the only one who would have a big bonus.
I got a 12. Billy got an 8.
19. I got an 18.
I got a 19 The warlock got a 19. A 19 with a plus 4 equals 23.
And you have a plus 4. 23.
So I'm going to say anybody who got a 15 or higher, it sounds like Norm, you know this. Red robes, it sounds like a cult to you.
There are many evil cults in the world of Dungeons & Dragons. Some of them worship evil elder gods.

Some of them worship demons.

You don't know who this group is exactly,

but red robes definitely sounds like a cult to you.

It sounds like they have lesser minions with them.

However, with a 23 on that roll, the warlock, who is probably himself kind of a cultist,

knows a lot about cults.

And red robes in particular,

you can even confirm with the kids, wait wait was there also gold on their robes and the kids are like yeah and you confirm that means red and gold means the cult of the dragon the cult of the dragon is a group who worship dragons evil dragons like they are gods and they serve dragons as like lesser minions kind of like dragons yeah okay now are they dragons or wyverns because i've been told that there's a difference there is a big difference especially in dnd while wyverns are beasts that are like dragons true dragons in dnd we all would know have a couple of things going for them. They can talk.
They are highly intelligent. And they usually have a lot of magic at their disposal.
But wyverns compared to dragons are like chickens compared to a hawk. It is a very different situation, a very different threat level.
Okay, so just to recap, guys. We know it's a cult.
We know it's a cult for dragons. It sounds awesome.
What is our option now for our next move? You are currently still talking to the kids, but they don't seem to want to talk anymore. We could keep rolling checks on them if we want to pump them for more info, but otherwise it would be no check to just run further into the village it would be a check to scout the village carefully from further away can we waterboard them leave our witnesses enhanced interrogate the kids hold them upside down all right i think we should scout i think we should scout the village absolutely what do you guys think you guys cool with that sure we scout it good you want to you want to go all the way in Yeah, we've got Berserker Billy with us.
All right, fine. Fuck it.
Let's go all the way in. Let's push.
One of us dies, remember I said scout. I mean, you could always start doing perception checks where you're seeing the village more clearly.
This is a classic situation where the big guy has short friends. He's like, yeah, let's go fight these guys.
Who's going to have to fight them? Me. I don't want to do that.
I want to hang out and sing a song. It's the short guy at the bar who gets in a fight because he's got a big friend.
Billy? Go heal at the tavern because someone there probably is not worried about any of it. Oh, is there a tavern in the town? Good point, Billy.
There is almost definitely a tavern in the town. Let's go bar hop.
Can we go to the tavern? Boys are back. Heal it back healing absolutely as you as you get to the top of the hill that's gonna allow you to see into the village now you crest this hill and sure enough you can see the tavern but it's on fire right now someone burned the tavern down and you can see red-robed figures laughing and marching around in groups around this town, setting buildings on fire.

And you also see red-robed figures running out of buildings, carrying chests and, like, wardrobes and other random knickknacks.

They're, like, stealing from this village city.

Guys, I'll be honest with you.

It sounds like the red-robes are absolutely dominating this fight.

Yeah, so we want to be on the right side of history, right? Well, yeah, so what's our option now that we've seen everything's on fire? They're fucking shit up. What do we do? You see many groups of red robes, but they all look pretty distant to you.
You're also noticing a castle up on a hill, and lots of the villagers fleeing the red robes seem to be either running to the castle or out into the outskirts and woods of the village so you could roll perception to look around see if there's anything else you haven't seen yet you could start proceeding further into the village but then you don't know when you'll run into enemies exactly there's the risk of that you could uh do whatever you want at this point you're seeing a lot of people running around in this village fighting.

And yeah, the red robes are winning for sure.

Could we send the caravan that we came with?

Could we like put them on the front lines and send them into the village to fight?

In theory, you could go back to them and tell them, you know, convince them,

hey, either it's good or whether it's good or not, you got to go ahead ahead of us.

You're more than welcome to.

But I'll tell you this.

You don't think that caravan is going to last very long. Okay, so let's leave the caravan.
Can we get a UAV? What? I think Hank's talking about Call of Duty. All right, I say, now this is a team decision, but I say we can't let these fucking red-robed dwarves fuck shit up for too long.
Let's go save this village because then it's ours. But their cult sounds awesome.
Let's save this village. Okay.
Let's go in and fuck shit up. We could join the cult and then save the village from within.
I kind of like what PMP said. Do I feel fire? How about this? How about we go to the red robes and we say we want to join your cult.
And then when they start like recruiting us, we kill all of them. Sneaky.

Can we do that?

Absolutely.

You could.

I would say that if you start heading into the village,

you're looking around for groups of red robes,

but before you see them,

you're passing by what seems like a barn and you're hearing noise from

inside of it.

It doesn't sound like red robes though.

It sounds like yapping tiny voices that are like inside this barn now i'm gonna say up ahead you do notice two red robes setting a cottage on fire so you hear this and then you see that what would you be interested in i think we've got to talk to the muppets the yappers or it could just be like someone's wife nagging them. They might know something.
It's greeny. Yeah, let's talk to them.
You open up the barn, is that right, with the yapping voices? Yeah. Take out the trash.
What you see is these creatures that you all know the name of as soon as you spot them. These are creatures called kobolds, and they are notoriously weak little monsters in D&D.
They each look like a little tiny lizard person with kind of a long lizard face, and they each have little daggers in their hand. But what they appear to be trying to do is gather up a bag of potatoes and carry it over their head, but it requires two of these little bitty kobolds to carry a single bag of potatoes and there's several bags in here they're fighting right now and then they all turn and look at you and there's four of them all frozen right now what do you do okay i have a question um now this don't don't say that i'm always wondering about food but do we need to eat at some point should we just kill these fuckers and eat them with the potatoes? In theory, you always have food to eat, I kind of say, but you know kobold is a rare delicacy.
Oh, let's eat. Let's grill out.
Let's grill out. Kobold and fries.
Let's do it. Can we send our berserker in there and just start having a fucking whale on these little guys? Hammer time.
Hammer time. Absolutely.
I'm going to say berserk. Now, when you say berserker, do you mean berserker Billy or Norm the barbarian? We got Norm to step on him.
Whatever's going to get us the food fastest. I love it.
I would say sending the barbarian in first is definitely the way to get the food fastest. So barbarian, if you rush in, you can make an attack against one of these kobolds.
Go ahead and roll a d20 and add five what do i need to roll here what am i looking for you don't know exactly what you need because the armor of some creatures is very high you don't think kobolds have very high armor though so you probably don't need higher than like a maybe 13 okay here we go a 10 plus 5 15 plus 5 and with a 15, that is a solid hit against one of the kobolds now do you see and i'm actually going to give you a choice would you be wielding a big axe or a big sword do you think up to you sword sword if it's a sword grab two of the d6s the cube dice and you're going to roll them we don't have if you don't no worries i can uh roll it for you right now would you like me to roll for you sure absolutely the damage that you're gonna be getting let's see is gonna be you get to add plus three to this uh you got seven on the dice you rolled two d6 and got seven perfectly average and then you add plus three to it 10 because you dealt so much damage, I'm going to say this. There was two kobolds holding up a sack of potatoes.
You just sliced through both of them at the same time. You killed them both in one go.
And I'm going to say that's because you dealt exactly enough damage to kill two kobolds. Do you think they each had 5 HP? So you swing your sword cleave him in two.
The other two kobolds who are lifting the other sack just start panicking and kind of waving their daggers at you. They're definitely going to either attack or run.
But next up would be Wayne, the dwarf bard. Wayne, you just saw the barbarian rush in.
What would you do? I would. The kobolds are either going to run or attack.
You're not sure which. I'm going gonna make them fight each other and the winner gets to stay alive i love that so you um can use persuasion to convince them and the funny thing is if you use intimidate you can really yell at them but you only have a plus three on that so in theory as a bard you're better at being like nice or tricky i want to set up like my own little dog fight between these little kobolds and then the winner of it gets to be our pet.
So you say, hey, one of you is going to get to be my pet, but only if they kill the other one. And that's a good persuasion check.
I like that. Roll with a plus five.
Turn them against each other. See if you can convince.
You don't think this will be that difficult. Uh-oh.
I got a one. I rolled a one.
You rolled a one? I rolled a a one the two of them turn to look at each other and they start to yap in their own language at each other and i know warlock the warlock would know this language they are speaking in draconic to each other they speak the language of dragons we are learning and so it does seem like they speak the dragon tongue wait and the warlock knows what this wait should we just capture them then and keep them because if we're gonna have to deal with dragons in the cult we have a translator we have a translator can we do that even though we've killed their buddies and we're gonna eat them in front of them it would be a persuasion check surely unfortunately right now these two kobolds have just turned to look at each other, and in Draconic, they said to each other, hey, if we gang up on them, we don't have to fight each other at all. And they go, oh yeah, that's right.
And then they are leaping to attack the bard. So you can still try to convince them if you want bard, but all you have left is your action.
You talk to them, so you can use your action to talk to them again, or attack them, which would you like to do? I. I've got to talk to them.
I'm going to double down on being a pushy. We already got enough food.
Okay, here we go. Absolutely.
They're heading right for you. Hey, fellas.
They'll attack you if you don't do well on this. Listen, cooler heads will prevail here.
Oh, fuck you. I just wrote a 20, bitch.
Bitch, hell yeah. Suck my words.
You go from famine to feast.

I love it.

And you just got a critical hit

at 25 total.

What are you saying

to these kobolds

to convince them?

It's going to work

one way or another.

You just got a critical hit.

What are you telling them?

Tell them we got food.

Okay, so I'm going to say

that we...

Don't tell them it's their friends.

Yeah, I'm going to say

we have food and drink

and it's the meat and blood

of their buddy. And potatoes.
But also I want them to fight each other because I drink, and it's the meat and blood of their buddy.

And potatoes.

But also I want them to fight each other because I want to keep one of them as a pet eventually.

Absolutely.

They hear about the food, and they don't even ask for details.

They just go, what?

Food?

Food?

Yes.

And they do speak the common tongue, it seems.

And they go, food?

Food?

Oh, we're hungry.

Look.

And they point at the potatoes like they were just here for a snack.

We're hungry.

Yeah, yeah.

We both help.

We both help.

Yeah, yeah.

What do you say?

Wait, do we trust them?

So the thing is, he's pushing back pretty hard on not making these two things fight each other.

You're more than welcome to tell them now.

You've got to fight each other, and then you'll have one minion.

Okay, how about both?

Both of them?

Yeah, but then they can communicate. They can turn on us.
Tank knows how to. Ehrlich knows how to talk to them.
I wonder if they have different sets of skills. Are they identical in DNA? They seem pretty much like pretty ordinary kobolds.
Same stats. Okay, let me ask this question then.
Do they know I already killed their two friends and are they mad about it? 100% they're mad, but I will tell you this. Oh, we got to kill them.
No, I don't trust them. I'll tell you with the critical hit, you know this.
They're terrified because you killed their friends, and you can tell that they are cowardly and willing to serve anyone who has proven that they are stronger than the Kobolds. Okay, I'm kind of with P.
We've got to kill one of them. We've got to kill one.
You can't let two of them have. Should we just have Berserker Billy take matters into his own hands and kill one of them? And then the other one can be like, I want to name it Reek and teach it to be afraid of me.
Okay, yeah, so let's kill one of them. Absolutely.
So in that case, it would be Ehrlich. Perfect.
Berserker Billy, if you want to charge in and swing with your Warhammer, you absolutely may. You would have a plus four on this to kill the last, the one kobold we don't need, the extra.
Hammer time, hammer time. All right, come on, Billy.
Don't fuck this up. He is like immediately seeing you rushing in like, no, no, get her, get her, get him, get him.
It's a nine. A nine? And is that before you add the plus four? Yeah, that is before we add it.
Absolutely. So you got a 13 total.
I'm happy to report that is just barely a hit against the cobalt. Hell yes, Billy.
Do you happen to see a D8 in front of you? It's the kind of diamond D8? No, we only have D20s. You've only got D20s.
Perfect. Now that I know.
Awesome. I'll buy more.
Absolutely. I'm going to roll the damage dice for us.
The D20 is the most important one. And so you just dealt nine, or sorry, seven damage to this kobold.
Smush! It is destroyed. And the kobold reek, I guess, turns and goes, hey, good choice.

Great choice.

And gives us a thumbs up.

He didn't like that other kobold at all, and he loves us now by all accounts. And you think he made the right choice.
Two kobolds scheme together. One kobold is just a very helpful minion, probably.
I think that was a good call. Great.

And so this kobold throws himself at the feet of the cleric,

but also the feet of the bard and to be fair the berserker is the barbarian as well he's afraid of all of you right now okay so we own them so now uh what what's our next step we're gonna eat we're gonna fucking eat and be fat and merry and then what do we do i'll say this you can load up the cobalt bodies into your bag it might take a while like cook them and stuff but you're you're due for a good feast once you cook these bodies yeah yeah let's salt them and cure them take them hang on for later yeah totally so tim this might be a good do you think there's a good time to stop for this session or should we maybe set up what let's do a cliffhanger so i think a cliff cliffhanger if you were to say interrogate this kobold i think we would get a really good cliffhanger we should find out what's going on in that town let's interrogate this kobold yeah yeah and and that means that if the bard talks to him or if the barbarian intimidates either one you'll get advantage because he already is afraid of you and willing to serve you. So advantage is you get to roll two times and take the higher number.
Who would like to take the lead on interviewing this kobold? You've been talking to these bitches. Yeah.
Here we go. 11.
You get to roll again. 11.
And then you roll again and take the higher number. 11 was the higher number.
11 was the higher number.

So with a plus 5 added to that,

I think you got a 16 then for persuasion.

And so with a 16,

the kobold wants to spill all the beans, basically. He's willing to answer three questions at least right now.

What questions would that be?

At least three.

Okay, I want to know what the red robes are doing there, why they're taking over that town. He says, oh, humans, humans.
Yeah, red robes, red robes. Well, we here to take money.
We here to take goods. We here to take anything not nailed down.
Is for hoard. Is for the hoard.
We must grow the hoard. And you can tell he's repeating a motto that he's been taught, a mantra we must grow the Horde the Horde must grow always, even teeny puny village like this have some money should we ask if there are dragons or like where the leader is? well we should ask that but we also gotta get a number check, we gotta figure out how many of them there are yeah so let's ask how deep's their squad yeah how many how many people are there how many uh red ropes he starts to smile evilly and then he realizes he shouldn't do that and he starts to get very serious he says well uh is many 100 human 200 kobold.
That is too many forces for us to fight right now. That is a substantial army attacking this village.
It's also, you know, this huge overkill. For a village like this, they maybe had two dozen militia members at the most, and they're getting attacked by like 300 combined cultists.
Kobolds aren't quite worth a whole cultist, but still a lot of force. What's up with Kobold being like thinking about he was going to answer the question differently and then smiling and being like I don't trust him.
I'll tell you automatically what he was hoping he was going to be cackling at you like you're all in trouble. But then he realized that would probably get him killed potentially.
So he didn't want to tease his new bosses yes I think we should fucking kill him for even thinking about teasing us reek no serve cult no more reek your friend now okay alright so we have one more question good question I think we gotta ask like what should we ask him what we should do Should we ask the kobold guy? I don't trust him enough. Like, we just killed all his friends in front of him.
Maybe we ask him so whatever he says, we can do the opposite. Here's the thing, though.
Well, that's a good point. Because right now he doesn't trust us.
We have to psychologically torture him for a long time before he actually, like, falls in line like her pet. So, um...
What would you do? Yeah, what... Yeah, we should ask him...
That's a good... Yeah, and then we'll do the opposite.
Hey, buddy, we really trust you and like you already, you piece of shit. What would you do? Oh, Reek.
Reek always do as he told. So Reek do what he's supposed to do.
When High Priestess give the orders, she tell Reek, work with all other kobolds, steal all things you can steal, and then gather around the castle for the siege. Yes.
I would go to siege if you were not my friends. Oh, okay.
That's where they're going to end up rendezvousing. Yeah.
So if we get there first, maybe we can fuck them up. Well, yeah, or we show up there.
We just talked ourselves into believing the Cobalt guy, by the way. We said we're going to do the opposite, and he just convinced us to do – fuck, this guy's too tricky for my brain.
Now he's going to give you one extra very important clue that he feels like you need. He says, that is what do if high priestess were my were my friend now you my friend my friends uh like you should probably if i were you flee flee here and never come back we gotta go see the high priestess that's what that's what he wants us to He wants us to flee.
Let's make our decision next time. You should flee because the high priestess, Frulem Mondath, not alone with just cultists and kobolds, she bring something much bigger.
She's got a dragon. We gotta go see the dragon.
She He bring the cyan wrath is what he says. Okay.
That shitty car that no one owns? Yes. And then in the distance, we all fairly clearly from behind the castle hear a mighty roar echo throughout this village.
We got a good castle. Okay okay so this is a perfect time to stop that is thrilling so we're in this barn to reset we're in the barn we've we've killed three kobolds to eat we got potatoes we got one kobold to to be our fucking inside man we hear a dragon roar we see the castle next time we're gonna figure out the hell we want to do.
Absolutely. Wow.
And as far as psychologically breaking this kobold, you may have done that already. It wasn't a lot of work, honestly.
He's already like, how can I help you, my lord and master? He's already fully going to shave you and not cut your throat. Okay.
Yeah. 100%.
I like to rename him Bob Costas. He's our little Bob Costas.
All this has been great You obviously keep notes And so we'll pick up In two weeks we will just do this again Right where we are Love that that's fantastic I think that's a great idea Thanks so much Tim we appreciate it Such a pleasure Same place same time two weeks That was great thank you so much I'll make a note it, man. Thank you all.
All right. Such a pleasure.
Absolutely. Same place, same time.
Two weeks.

That was great.

Thank you so much.

Weeks, absolutely.

I'll make a note down for next Tuesday.

Cool.

Love you guys.

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Shine it away. I'll be coming for another.
You're a fool. Come on.
Come on. Take me on.
I'll be gone. I'll be gone.
Take me me. Thank you.
Take it. Thank you.