Patton Oswalt, We Start A Dungeons And Dragons Game + Waffle House Fighting

Speaker 1 Hey, pardon my take, listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.

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Speaker 1 On today's part in my take,

Speaker 1 we have Patton Oswalt. Great interview with Patton Oswald.
And then

Speaker 1 we're going to try something a little different. So our Dungeon and Dragons episode received critical acclaim.
I think we won an Oscar, or no,

Speaker 1 an Emmy. A Webby.
A Webby and an Emmy. We won all these awards.
So we said, let's,

Speaker 1 if people like it, let's do it. Let's do it.

Speaker 1 So what we're going to do is every every other Wednesday till the end of our crusade or adventure, whatever you call it, we are going to do our Dungeons and Dragons adventure.

Speaker 1 So, Billy Football has joined us. It is me, Billy, PFT, Hank, and our good friend, Dungeon Master, Tim Woods.
He is going to lead us through a full game of Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 1 So, we have part one after Patton Oswalt with a cliffhanger. We also have Hot Seat, Cool Throne, and a special Wednesday reading that must be done.

Speaker 1 Would you say that this is our geekiest episode of part of the game? By far. It's a geek week.
By far.

Speaker 1 It is beyond the geek. If you had told us we were going to be doing this and we were not going to have sports,

Speaker 1 I don't know. Listen, the human mind copes in mysterious ways.
So we have Dungeon ⁇ Dragons.

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Speaker 1 Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 there is violence.

Speaker 1 And then I love the sound of work to be done.

Speaker 1 No place to hang all or washing.

Speaker 1 And then I can't blame all on the sun. Oh, no, we're gonna rock it down to Eli Strait Avenue.

Speaker 1 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're gonna rock it down to Elaine Strait Avenue.

Speaker 1 Welcome to part of my take presented by the Cash App. Go download it right now.
Use code BARS so you get $10 for free, $10 to ASPCA. Today is Wednesday, May 13th.

Speaker 1 And PFT, we have NBA players coming together to say they want to keep the season going. We have MLB billionaire owners crying poor and trying to get the baseball players to play a season.

Speaker 1 But more importantly than all of this, we got Waffle House fighting.

Speaker 1 It is an awesome day to be online because this Waffle House thing broke. Before we get to it, I just read this.

Speaker 1 The state of Arizona is saying that they will allow Major League Sports to continue, I think, May 15th, with no fans in attendance. All the California teams go hang out in Arizona.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so the Phoenix Coyotes can play games. We've all been waiting for them.

Speaker 1 Congratulations, the Diamondbacks. Or

Speaker 1 they could just do an entire season of baseball at the spring training facility. Yeah, I have hope for NBA.
I have hope for baseball, although the move. Spinning is an issue in baseball.

Speaker 1 The move that the owners are making right now, where they're crying poor, but not actually showing how they're poor, is an all-time move.

Speaker 1 And then somehow spinning it to be like, well, the players really got to do us a solid here and take a lot less money and have a salary cap and do a 50-50 split.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so walk me through this because I read that the league said that they put forth, I guess the owners put forth an option to get playing again with an 82-game season that starts in July with a 50-50 revenue split.

Speaker 1 Now, I don't know what they're, I know in football, I think it's 51-49. What is it normally in baseball? So in baseball, there's obviously no salary cap, and so you have incredible salaries.

Speaker 1 What the players want to do, and I think it's totally fair, is they want to come back and play for their prorated salary. The owners are saying, we're not going to make any money this year.

Speaker 1 We're going to lose money this year. Let's do a 50-50 split.
And that's how we can get baseball going.

Speaker 1 But the owners in baseball do this funny little tricky thing where they say they're going to lose money and then they don't show anyone how they're going to lose money.

Speaker 1 So they don't actually open their books. They don't actually tell you, okay, this is actually what it looks like.
They just cry poor and say it's got to kind of come out of your pockets too. And now.

Speaker 1 I think billionaires should pay for their own fucking rosters. Well, and now we got the whole stupid, you know, like other billionaires coming to, I mean, J.B.

Speaker 1 Pritzker, the governor of Illinois, coming to bat for the billionaire owners being like, players really have to make some sacrifices here.

Speaker 1 How about the owners make some how about you just play paying prorated? It's also crazy because what do you do? There's no salary cap in baseball.

Speaker 1 So now you're saying there's going to be a salary cap for one year. Do they sign one-year deals at random numbers, and then next year they go back to their salary? No, that's how it works.

Speaker 1 If you make a concession in a negotiation with a billionaire, chances are he'll probably give you that concession back next year so that he can make less money or she can make less money.

Speaker 1 So what you're saying to me is that this year, if you hypothetically have a contract that pays you $20 million,

Speaker 1 you're not going to get your $20 million.

Speaker 1 You're not even going to get that portion of the salary for the games that you will play.

Speaker 1 Instead, you're going to get a percentage of what your team's roster, the entire salary for your team's roster, is based on how much revenue the league is bringing in. Correct.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's going to be a tough sell to the Players Association. If I were a player, I'm sure there will be public pressure to try to get them back to play.

Speaker 1 I just know I'm not going to be someone who's being like, players, you have to take less just because

Speaker 1 the guys are saying that they're, the people in charge are saying they're losing money, even though they won't tell you how they're losing money. Right.
So open up the books. Open up the books.

Speaker 1 Let me see the books. Let's see the books.
Open the fucking books.

Speaker 1 There it is. Watch the F-word.

Speaker 1 Yeah, J.B. Pritzker has like $3 billion.
So it's pretty good for him to be like, hey, players really got to make a sacrifice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I guess it looks like even if Arizona is opening up, a lot of these other states are thinking about that they're going to open up for major league sports.

Speaker 1 You're still not going to have fans there. No.
And that is an issue. If If you're a billionaire owner, you are a business person.

Speaker 1 And so you're like, oh, shit, I'm not going to make as much money this year. So why don't, I don't know, why don't they just ask for more money in TV rights?

Speaker 1 Because for every person that doesn't go to a game, they're going to be watching on TV.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, it's an 82-game season that they're proposing starting July 1st.

Speaker 1 I actually think the TV, like, people will watch it a lot more on TV, not only because of this captive audience, but an 82-game, that's a sprint.

Speaker 1 Like, if you have a five-game losing streak in the 82-game, you're sunk. It just means more.
Yeah, I like the 82-game season.

Speaker 1 Also, let's go across the pond real quick. Our dinos are whipping the shit out of people.

Speaker 1 They are a fucking wagon. These dinos are dominant.
The only reason that they lost a game the other night, they gave up like seven runs in the ninth inning. Whatever.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't really like how we've been dealing with the bullpen, but that's for another day. Well, the bullpen's shaky for sure.
I'd like to see a little bit more production at the leadoff spot.

Speaker 1 Maybe situational hitting? It's early in the season, and the defense is going to get better.

Speaker 1 So So you're not going to see too many of those crooked numbers as we get into later months, whenever the end of the Korean baseball season traditionally is. Yes, when that happens,

Speaker 1 in September.

Speaker 1 In September, our bullpin will settle. Somewhere between September and November.
We just need the bullpin to settle down. October-ish.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Around.

Speaker 1 And an October adjacent month. I really wish that they would just put one of those fucking mannequins that's in the stands wearing a Marlins jersey.
Yes. Oh, speaking of the throne.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 It's my cool throne. It's my cool throne.
Save it. Save it.
Save it. Save it.
It's my cool throne. It's my cool throne.
It's my cool throne. All right.

Speaker 1 Let's talk Waffoffs because that's the real news of the day. Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 So we have an emergency Wednesday reading

Speaker 1 because we have one of the greatest. Now, I don't, whenever these get posted online, we don't know if they're true, but let's not all be fucking assholes and be like, that's fake.

Speaker 1 Let's just have fun with it and say there's a 95% chance it's true. Wait.
For fun. I don't mean to derail the conversation.
Can we go back to that NBA secret meeting that happened today?

Speaker 1 Was Kyrie involved? I do not believe so. I think it was LeBron, Giannis.

Speaker 1 Kyrie is going to have some talk

Speaker 1 about the Illuminati of the NBA getting together and deciding their fate. I also heard a wild take today about Max Kellerman saying that

Speaker 1 what was it? Oh, he was saying that if they come back and play a playoffs, it will be an asterisk next to that team forever. Just like

Speaker 1 everyone says the Spurs only have four and a half titles. We do say that.
Everyone says that. I can't go

Speaker 1 longer than 12 hours without four and a half years.

Speaker 1 I love when these talking head guys try to, they're like, yeah, like Joe Blow, sports fan, you know, he's just walking around the bar being like, those Spurs and those four and a half titles.

Speaker 1 I had a double, I did a double check. I was like, wait.
Oh, yeah, the lockout year. No, no one remembers that.
Although, I mean, let's be fair here.

Speaker 1 If the Lakers win, Hank is absolutely putting an ash. That's on LeBron James' title.
Yeah, it doesn't count if LeBron James wins it. It does not count.

Speaker 1 Okay, Waffle House. Waffle House.
So we have this post

Speaker 1 called, My Boyfriend Keeps Getting Into Fights with a Cook at Waffle House. Here's how it starts.

Speaker 1 I know this sounds really weird, but here it is. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years.
We met and started dating when we were both in graduate school.

Speaker 1 That's actually a good note to have there.

Speaker 1 They have advanced past bachelor's degree. I dropped out to go back to college to pursue a different career.
We are both finished now and live together, making a fairly nice combined income.

Speaker 1 Our income is relevant because we could afford to eat somewhere nice when we're out and about, but he always wants breakfast food.

Speaker 1 Okay, real quick, first of all, let's not shame people that eat at Waffle House because if you're a millionaire, you should still be going to Waffle House on a regular basis.

Speaker 1 It is the best night food, it's the best breakfast food. It's drunk food.
It's great. Waffle House.

Speaker 1 Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions.

Speaker 1 She goes on to say, when he was a child, his dad couldn't stand eating breakfast-type food in the afternoon or evening.

Speaker 1 So his mom would make him waffles/slash pancakes, eggs, and bacon in the evening whenever his dad was busy or out of town. It's a wonderful and safe memory for him.

Speaker 1 And when he goes to his happy place, he says that's where he always goes.

Speaker 1 I like this memory because it's basically the grown-up version of when you're eight years old and you say, when I'm an adult, I'm going to eat candy for dinner.

Speaker 1 And then I, spoiler alert I actually have done that many times it is kind of a weird move though for a dad to say we don't eat breakfast food at dinner time he's just a rules guy that's that's kind of bizarre to me I don't like that I one time I was at a grocery store there's a person that was behind me in line I was buying stuff to make breakfast for dinner and the guy was like are you making are you making breakfast and I was like yeah he goes

Speaker 1 My wife won't let me eat breakfast for dinner. Damn.
And I felt so bad for the guy. That is sad.
That is really sad.

Speaker 1 All right, my boyfriend is an incredibly nice and caring person.

Speaker 1 I love these

Speaker 1 long diatribes where they just try to set up like, no, guys, he's actually totally normal and then drop the hammer. Like, my boyfriend is the sweetest, nicest person ever.

Speaker 1 Occasionally, he likes to fuck his mom in front of me, but I love him otherwise.

Speaker 1 I'm in the best relationship of my life. My boyfriend sometimes likes to bring guns out in the bedroom.
Yes. But I figure we've all got our kinks.

Speaker 1 My boyfriend is so in tune with my my feelings, but every now and then he fakes like he's going to push me in front of oncoming traffic. I'm afraid he's going to kill me.

Speaker 1 Listen, I've got such a great boyfriend. We're in the best relationship of all time.
It's something I could only have dreamt about when I was a little girl. He owns this island called Little St.

Speaker 1 James, and he goes there a lot with some of his friends.

Speaker 1 And he makes good money, so we're doing pretty well. We have a beautiful house in Manhattan.
Okay, so back to the story. He loves animals and is kind.

Speaker 1 This is really, she's doing the the checklist of like, he's not a sociopath. He loves animals and is kind and gentle with every bug, bird, and pet that he comes across.

Speaker 1 Dude, you don't have to be gentle with every bug. Yeah, with a bug? Like a spider? I'm going to smash that spider.
Murder hornet? Gonna fuck it up.

Speaker 1 He's almost always willing to turn the other cheek in social situations where somebody tries to insult him or get aggressive towards him and usually winds up diffusing the situation, having a productive discussion about whatever the issue was.

Speaker 1 Except at Waffle House. By the way, at last point, you don't get points for being an adult that doesn't get into fights.
It sounds like he doesn't get into fights a lot. Right.

Speaker 1 Like, this is a common occurrence for him where he should get into a fight, where most people get into a fight that he calmly talks his way out of.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, that's not like, you don't get to walk around like a Boy Scout with being like, see this badge? Someone took my parking spot at Whole Foods. I didn't fight him.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 That's not how it works. My boyfriend fights using logic and reason.

Speaker 1 He likes to use his words and diffuse everything. Okay.

Speaker 1 Anytime we're out, he wants to go to the same goddamn waffle house and get breakfast food. I'm not a big eater, so I used to not really care.

Speaker 1 I would just drink coffee and read my book while he enjoyed his food, which is an awesome visual. Just like, honey, let me get to my happy place.

Speaker 1 But that became impossible once he and this one cook started chirping at each other every time we went there.

Speaker 1 Boyfriend complained about his eggs one time because he likes them a little runny and they were served hard. The cook responded by giving him scrambled eggs.
That's hilarious.

Speaker 1 When he brought it up again, the cook served him two hard-boiled eggs. Funny and funny.
Very funny. I think it was just part of the cook's shtick, which

Speaker 1 who doesn't know a cook with a shtick? You got to have one. If you're a short order cook,

Speaker 1 you know what?

Speaker 1 That's a feature, not a bug for that Waffle House because that's the funny cook that fucks up your order and tells you, if you go to Waffle House and you expect to have your order 100% correct every single time, you, my friend, are not understanding the true charm of going to Waffle House.

Speaker 1 It's like, I want breakfast food. They serve you a breakfast food, and then you.
Kind of. Yes.
It's kind of. Maybe.
The cook responded by giving him scrambled eggs.

Speaker 1 When he brought it up again, the cook served him two hard-boiled legs. I think it was just part of the cook's shtick, and it was kind of funny, to be honest.

Speaker 1 But my boyfriend wasn't able to laugh it off. When we left, he was in kind of a bad mood.
But we didn't really talk about it.

Speaker 1 The next week, we're out getting some shopping done, and he wanted to go to Waffle Waffle House again.

Speaker 1 I suggested that we try out a different place, or at least a different Waffle House location, but he only wanted the same Waffle House.

Speaker 1 Which, if you've been in the South, there's a Waffle House every other block. And they look identical on the inside.

Speaker 1 That's the entire point of Waffle House. It's just a food station.
It's like being like, I want to go to this McDonald's and not that McDonald's.

Speaker 1 We went in and sat down, and once again, the same cook served his eggs wrong. My boyfriend sort of snapped at him that he wasn't interested in messing around and just wanted the correct eggs.

Speaker 1 The cook then served him a piece of toast with a hole cut out in the middle with a fried egg in it. That sounds delicious, by the way.
Toad in the hole, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 My boyfriend got really mad and threw the egg toast at the cook, which made the cook come around from behind the bar and throw it back at him.

Speaker 1 They ended up sort of wrestling, fighting until my boyfriend was like, this is bullshit and walked out. Nobody got hurt.
But the few other people in there were watching and laughing a bit.

Speaker 1 Well, here's the thing. You don't want to get into it it with a Waffle House cook because Waffle House cooks know how to handle themselves.
Most of their clientele is drunk. They're belligerent.

Speaker 1 It's late at night. You have to be able to fight if you're going to be.
It's like the most dangerous, the most,

Speaker 1 I would say, the most aggressive,

Speaker 1 like self-defense capable jobs in America. I would put Waffle House right up there with like Blackwater employees.

Speaker 1 Someone replied, the first reply to this tweet was, I went to a job interview for Waffle House and one of the questions was, can you fight? Yeah, it has to be.

Speaker 1 I mean, have you been to a Waffle House at two o'clock in the morning? Can you handle yourself?

Speaker 1 You remember that story in the news like a year ago about a Waffle House cook that took somebody's AK-47 away from them? Or they disarmed a dude with an AR-15? Very dangerous.

Speaker 1 That's day one training if you're a Waffle House cook. All right, so back to the story.
This is the crazy part.

Speaker 1 My boyfriend keeps going back and ordering eggs and getting into fistfights with the same cook. It's almost a ritual at this point.
My boyfriend orders runny eggs.

Speaker 1 The cook serves him some other version of eggs. And then they beat the shit out of each other.

Speaker 1 I quit going with him after the second fight, but he kept going by himself. They're like Peter and the giant chicken from Family Guy.
It's the weirdest thing.

Speaker 1 They've physically fought like six or seven times over this. I think they're actually friends.
Yeah, oh, they are. This is just guys horsing around.
Yes, this has become a friendship.

Speaker 1 If they weren't actually friends, he would not be allowed inside the waffle house anymore.

Speaker 1 If you get into a fight, I'm not going going to say if you get into a fight at a waffle house, you're never welcome back because they would have no clients.

Speaker 1 If you get into a fight with the same person more than four times in a waffle house, then at some point they'll be like, hey, can you just come back when he's not working? This is sport.

Speaker 1 They're like, they basically, they probably text each other beforehand. You're like, you want to brawl today? You want to go? Yeah.
Yeah, you want to go, buddy?

Speaker 1 I've tried to talk to him about it a few times, but he keeps saying it's a matter of principle. I've told him to talk to the manager or something like that, but he just waves me off.

Speaker 1 Apparently, the cook hasn't yet made him the correct runny eggs, but it's like he spends the week learning new ways of preparing eggs to piss my boyfriend off. I think he does exactly that.

Speaker 1 I'm on team cook here. I want to get out in front of that.

Speaker 1 I'm on team. Oh, I'm on team both their sides because he's right.
It is a matter of principle. But asking for an egg that's a little bit runny, that's a tough egg to make.
Not for a cook.

Speaker 1 For anyone. I know.
You could do it. If you're a cook at a crowded Waffle House and you've got a million orders going on, making the perfectly runny egg is a difficult task.
So I'm on team cook.

Speaker 1 I'm not crowded. I think this this is the middle of the day when Waffle House has no one.
If that's, in fact, correct, if this guy is going for a casual lunch at Waffle House.

Speaker 1 Well, using from clues here, it's got to be a lunch or a dinner, and they were one day going out shopping and then they went to Waffle House. I think it's just middle of the day.

Speaker 1 They're just fighting. Waffle House.
Yeah. I don't know.
I don't know about that.

Speaker 1 You either go to a Waffle House at night for dinner or you go early in the morning for like a late, late, just a meal that you have at Waffle House. She's called Waffle House.
They do that.

Speaker 1 Breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

Speaker 1 She said he he does lunch and dinner there.

Speaker 1 Alright, so then it finishes up. The thing is, we're getting married this summer.
He's accepted a job in a new city, and it'll be easy for me to find work after the wedding.

Speaker 1 So we'll be moving away from his sworn enemy, Waffle House guy.

Speaker 1 He hasn't really been out since quarantine started, but it wouldn't surprise me if that's the first place he goes when restaurants open back up for sitting customers.

Speaker 1 But my main worry is this strange, vindictive side of him I've never seen before that leads him to fight the same guy every week.

Speaker 1 The violence itself is an issue for me, but the obsession over it almost bothers me more. Should I be worried that this side of him will come up later in our marriage?

Speaker 1 How do I get him to open up about this? Is this type of obsession a choice? Or is it

Speaker 1 indicative of something deeper? You need to cook him eggs, and you need to cook him the perfect runny egg and see if he has any desire to stop going to that waffle house.

Speaker 1 Because if he decides to stop going, then it was about the eggs this whole time. If he keeps going back, it's just because they're bros and he misses.
The human body craves contact, right?

Speaker 1 So he likes getting into a fight every now and again. I honestly don't.
I think this guy is actually the most well-adjusted adult I've ever heard. Because he seems like a great guy.

Speaker 1 But having a grudge or a point of principle that you will not let up, it's like a bulldog with a tennis ball in his mouth. Sometimes guys just have to do that.

Speaker 1 Like sometimes you just have to beef silently or actually physically fight.

Speaker 1 Like I'm thinking about I have I have this guy who lives in my building who on July 4th I was using the grill the community grill and he came up and he moved my steaks over and put his own food on there without asking me I scowl at that motherfucker every time I see him I haven't said anything but I have a grudge and I fucking hate him I think and if I ever get in a point where like he lost his keys and I have a chance to let him in I won't let him in It's a passive grudge, but having a grudge and having a foe that you wake up in the morning, you're like, fuck that guy, it's healthy.

Speaker 1 a grudge not so much a foe is very important a rival it's important for guys to have rivals you are rivals against grill guy i'm rivals with dk metcalf hank's rivals with the english language and i guess chocolate milk somehow boners boners hank's rivals we were rivals but

Speaker 1 oh

Speaker 1 good point hank actually declared he and his in pft's rivalry over because pft can't beat him which well i beat him literally 15 minutes ago but my i figured you out you can't my defense is too good my defense is too good you still can't get interaction wow that's not true okay so that rivalry is over but yes having a rival you see that i mean we're watching we're watching the last dance right now mj just has rivals like fake real doesn't matter uh-huh having something to drive you every single day is healthy i do think that waffle houses are great places to get in fights Yeah, it seems like everyone is, you know, everyone that's at a waffle house is ready that there might be a fight at any given time.

Speaker 1 It's like a UFC crowd. All the tables have rounded corners on them, so if you fall, you're probably not going to split your head open.
It's like chess boxing.

Speaker 1 So I'm with this guy. I think he's totally...
I think he's a well-educated...

Speaker 1 I mean, maybe the actual fist fighting as an adult is a little much, but it actually doesn't sound like they're fist fighting. They're more wrestling, which is, that's just kind of,

Speaker 1 you're basically doing, it's gentlemen's fighting, no face stuff. Right.
Everyone's home for dinner. Right.
No. Stay away from the groin.

Speaker 1 No one has to say anything to their boss, like, what happened to your face? You're just trying to, you're just trying to wrestle each other and like feats of strength.

Speaker 1 Do you think that there's an outside chance that this guy has a pre-existing relationship with the Waffle House cook in a way that he told him, hey, I'm going to fuck with my fiancé.

Speaker 1 Let's get into a fight and have a rivalry every time I come to your restaurant. And then he just never told his fiancé.
He's like pulling a big prank on her.

Speaker 1 Well, it could, that theory could make sense if he was like... I love my happy place, but what really bothers me is my fiancé demands coming.

Speaker 1 So he found a way to go to his happy place where his fiancé refuses to go. You know what happened? They go in there the first time, and he's like, this is, as you say, my happy place.

Speaker 1 For me, that would be a place like Buffalo Wild Wings. You go there, you sit down, you're guaranteed of a good time.
She comes along. What does she do the first thing when they sit down?

Speaker 1 She opens up a book. She doesn't even try to enjoy Waffle House.
Disrespect. And so he's like, you know what?

Speaker 1 I'm going to get into a fight with this guy until she leaves and demands to stop coming because I, listen, I'm going to get my brains smothered, covered, and what is it, chunked, diced in front of her if that's what it takes to make her stop reading a book at a waffle house.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he pays this guy off. He tips him extra to be like, hey, let's just make sure that I can come here.
And he's probably getting the best eggs every single time.

Speaker 1 He probably eats his runny eggs that are perfectly cooked. And then he says, what's up to his cook friend?

Speaker 1 And he's like, hey, can you just maybe give me a noogie and give me one solid punch in the liver so that I can go home with a couple scratches? Yeah. I mean, I love this relationship.

Speaker 1 I love everything about it.

Speaker 1 I love this guy i really do think that having a point of principle having something that you like one of those standoffs that you're like you know what today i'm not gonna give up i'm not gonna let someone push me around when was the last time you got into a fight fist fight well just like a fight grappling fist that sort of thing

Speaker 1 december 15th there it is december 15th there you go channel not since college i don't think i'm trying to think I don't think since college. What about you, Hank? December 15th.

Speaker 1 Well, besides that, outside of a sanctioned event?

Speaker 1 Probably college. Yeah.
College.

Speaker 6 College.

Speaker 1 I got into a fight in Hong Kong, but it was like kind of a bro fight because the guy was wearing the same outfit that I was. He was shirtless, also wearing the same color shorts I was.

Speaker 1 And we just looked at each other and you knew it was on. And then afterwards, we were friends.

Speaker 1 There's no better feeling in the world. That's not a fight.
Than getting into a fight with somebody. And then afterwards, like in the middle of the fight, you realize.
That's a fun wrestle.

Speaker 1 You and I are more similar than we are different. Was this when you were high on ecstasy? This was when I was high on MDMA, yes.
Yeah. Okay, so you might have just been kissing the dude.

Speaker 1 Rolling balls. He might have just been groping his fingers.
No, because it's on camera. Okay.
So confirmed not kissing. Confirmed fight, though? Confirmed rascal.
It was a wrestle. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, isn't that like what? Isn't that like saying hello at a rugby game? Pretty much, yeah. Just wrestling each other.
Not a threat. Yeah.
Just

Speaker 1 fuck out of each other. Yep.

Speaker 1 All right, so this guy, yeah, Waffle House guy. Love him.
I fucking love him. I'd like to see a movie about this guy.
Yeah. He and Dave and Buster guy should really link up.

Speaker 1 Or at least like have a principal off. A quibby about this guy.
Is that what it's called? A Quibi? Yeah, shout out Quibby. R.I.P.
Speak. Hot seat.
Calm, but never forgotten. All right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hot seat cool throne is brought to you by... Oh.

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Speaker 1 Have you thought about micro-dosing before you record an episode? I have not.

Speaker 5 My hotspot PFT was one of them, four o'clock on Thursday. You can see, probably going to be a 4-0 sweep, so make sure you go early because it's going to be over early.

Speaker 1 Wow, wait. I'm not even dignifying that with an an answer.
What a guarantee on it. 4-1 or better? Yeah.
That's just Hank's imagination. 4-1 or better.
Or what?

Speaker 1 He's just guaranteeing. Or Hank has to show his boobs.
Okay. Not on Twitch.
Can just kick off.

Speaker 5 I'll do a show. Yeah.
I'll do a show with no shirt on.

Speaker 1 Okay. All right.

Speaker 5 And same for you.

Speaker 5 If it's 4-1 or better. Deal.

Speaker 1 All right. I might do that anyway.

Speaker 5 My other hot seat, Ellen DeGeneres. I feel like she's just on the literal hot seat.
Like her job, like the proverbial hot seat, she's like on it.

Speaker 5 In terms of talk show host, it's just story after story.

Speaker 5 Like the avalanche has started where like former interns and former people that work for her just coming out one after another after another after another after another saying how shitty of a person she is.

Speaker 1 It's an interesting choice of words, how you phrase that. But go on.

Speaker 1 No, go on. What? No, nothing.
Okay. She's just on the hot seat.
Okay. Whoa, it's an interesting choice of words.
I think coming out. Oh.
I thought that was an interesting choice of words.

Speaker 1 I didn't know if he was trying to. Coming forward.

Speaker 5 No, I was not a PFT. I don't have that type of brain capacity in me to do that.

Speaker 5 People coming forward with bad story after bad story after that. Oh, it's a recent one.

Speaker 5 It was like a security guard that worked for her for a long time, and

Speaker 5 she basically wouldn't acknowledge anyone that wasn't her close fan. And so this guy was a security guard, and she was like...

Speaker 5 I've worked for many celebrities, blah, blah, blah. She's the only person that doesn't even say hi and introduce herself to the security guard.
Not even to fans and shit.

Speaker 5 The security guard, she just was like a dickhead.

Speaker 1 How do celebrities not realize that everyone they come in contact with, at least least in their inner circle, is going to someday be like, hey, here's a tweet thread about how shitty of a person this person is.

Speaker 1 That is kind of, it's a lot of pressure, I guess. Like, everyone that you make, or everyone that you make friends with or meet is, they've got a story immediately about it.

Speaker 1 Well, but I'm not even talking about anyone you, like, you could meet someone, have a bad day. You meet someone, it's a bad interaction, whatever.
A security guard, like, that's crazy.

Speaker 5 It also came out she, like, called Steve Jobs to complain about her iPhone.

Speaker 1 That's fine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that actually is good that probably did better like that did good for the rest of the country she got to the front of the line and helped us in like this sucks wait how long that must have been a while ago well that's the thing it's all coming out that's that like she's on the hot seat in the sense of like the avalanche has started and it's just like she's under the microphone her view of being like nice nice lady generous like

Speaker 1 a teary-eyed apology and all that blah blah blah and everyone would be like ellen you go girl stay strong like the haters are just trying to get you and then she'll just keep being a shitty person to people.

Speaker 1 Didn't her, she had some people that worked on her staff that also got in trouble recently. It's like everyone around her.

Speaker 1 She's turning people evil.

Speaker 1 She a witch. I think she's part of some deep conspiracy theorists too.
For sure. Okay, we're going to put her.
I'm going to say. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Your cool throne?

Speaker 5 My cool throne is the cross, Sport of the Future. Yep.
Paul Rabel figured out betting. So they're doing an event in the summer.
People are going to be able to bet on it.

Speaker 1 Where's it at?

Speaker 1 I don't know where it is. On a lacrosse field.
On a lacrosse lacrosse field somewhere.

Speaker 5 You can watch it on NBC Sports. Put the house on the Water Dogs.
That's all I know. Yep.
My other cool throne is Nostalgia.

Speaker 1 Throw the hashtag for the Water Dogs.

Speaker 1 Wooter. I don't know.
Bark Bark. Bark Bark.
Yeah. Bark Bark.

Speaker 5 Nostalgia. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1 and 2 are getting re-released, so it's like new, like updated the same game, same maps or

Speaker 5 whatever you call them. Same maps, same soundtrack.
But you're going to be able to do online play, updated graphics, all that shit.

Speaker 1 So that's going to be great. The soundtrack for Tony Hawk, those were incredible.
That is like the soundtrack to my adolescence.

Speaker 5 I used to just play the

Speaker 1 Bob Rehnquist. Blitz Green Bull.
Oh, and

Speaker 5 we would make that the only song you could play. What's the guy's name?

Speaker 1 Superman by Goldfinger. No, it was the Bob Bernquest.

Speaker 1 Bob Burnquest. Burnquest.
Bob Bernquest. Fuck Ulassic was the first one.
With the glasses. Yep.
Yeah. Sick.
Okay, my hot seat is Florida Beaches. Florida Beaches are on the hot seat.

Speaker 1 So they're opening up the beaches in Florida. And that's not the reason why I'm putting them on my hot seat.

Speaker 1 The reason why is because there have been a bunch of protests in Florida about them not opening the gyms up in Florida. So I don't know if you saw this.

Speaker 1 There were a lot of people that were on the sidewalk in front of the Capitol, I believe. They were doing squats.
They were doing burpees to protest gyms not being open. So you can't get your gains in.

Speaker 1 But it's actually a sneaky genius move by the Florida government to open up the beaches, but not open up the gyms, which will encourage fewer people to go to the beaches because they're not in beach shape yet.

Speaker 1 Wait, but hold on, back up one second. So a bunch of people went to the Capitol and worked out to protest not being able to work out? Yes, correct.

Speaker 1 They worked out

Speaker 1 on the sidewalk to be able to... Why would you let us do this? You have taken my freedom to do this,

Speaker 1 which I'm doing now. Yep.
But it is kind of a smart move to be like, hey, yeah, you can go to the beach, but you're going to be in the worst shape of your life. Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 1 My cool throne is Sammy Watkins being an occult. There was an article today in Bleach Report where it was Ty Dunn, I believe, profiled him, and Sammy Watkins opened up.

Speaker 1 And as we've been speculating, we've been squatting on the take that Sammy Watkins is an occult for like the last three years on this show. Sammy really, really let him have it.

Speaker 1 Like talked about all the weird stuff. He's saying that after this coronavirus is over, we're going to go break the ice on the rings of Saturn and live there for a while before coming back to Earth.

Speaker 1 Basically, it's one of these stories that you have a hard time really pointing and laughing at Sammy Watkins because he was in a dark place when he got drafted by the Bills because he didn't have Josh Allen yet, and he just went out and partied every single night, had a miserable life, did not enjoy his life, was under so much pressure, and then he kind of like rediscovered himself by getting into a cult.

Speaker 1 And so now he's happy that he's in a cult. Well, he also gets the post-championship.
You can kind of say whatever you want for a year.

Speaker 1 Like, you can just say whatever you want. Banners fly forever.
Yeah, you just say it, and people are like, well, you won a Super Bowl. Exactly.
Yeah, and he was awesome in the playoffs, too. Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So it flies for him.
Whatever he's doing right now, I guess stick with it. If it makes you happy, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 what kind of fucked up beliefs you have as long as you're happy and you're not actively hurting somebody else. So Sami Watkins could believe whatever the hell he wants.
Be you, dude.

Speaker 1 Just make sure that your fantasy owners are happy on Sundays.

Speaker 1 That's the true cult that you should belong to. Yes.

Speaker 1 All right, my hot seats is

Speaker 1 Doja Cat, number one.

Speaker 5 Is that a nickname for yourself? Nope.

Speaker 1 Did you set me up? No. Okay, so she's a rapper.
You guys told me to do this.

Speaker 1 Doja Cat said that she would show her tits if she went number one, and then she went number one, and she's like, I played all of you.

Speaker 1 I haven't been this disappointed since the time those porn stars said that they'd give everyone blowjobs if Brazil won the World Cup.

Speaker 1 Well, I think that this qualifies as wire fraud.

Speaker 1 Doesn't it? Yeah. I mean, she said it

Speaker 1 using wires. Yeah.
Doja Gate.

Speaker 1 I got entrapped into being horny for Nicki Minaj, and now she's taking it back. Doja Cat.
Doja Cat. Doja Cat.
Different people.

Speaker 5 Nicki Minaj is on the song, though.

Speaker 1 Oh, she's on the song.

Speaker 1 Yes. Oh, well, yeah, who gives a shit? Oh, no.
I'm not going to get to see Doja Cat's bruises. No, Doja Cats.

Speaker 1 I would actually say I'd rather see Doja Cats than Nicki Minaj after all the plastic surgery she's had.

Speaker 1 Doja Cat seems like she might have the real ones. Something going on? The real ones.
All right, yeah. Well, yes.
Doja Cat, what the fuck? I always wanted to see your boobs, and now I can't.

Speaker 1 Like, at least have fun with it. At least play it out.
Don't just be like, I played you hard. That hurts.
That really hurts. I listened to that song so many times.
It's a boy who cried MILF.

Speaker 1 What is it? What's the song?

Speaker 1 Didn't mean to notice.

Speaker 1 Didn't mean to notice.

Speaker 1 The TikTok song. It really just went.
It really has nothing to do with the the boobs. It's really just she got the TikTok wave, right? Yeah.

Speaker 5 If Doja Cat shows her boobs, well, no, it was if it got big on TikTok and then they released the remix, and that's who's like, if the remix goes number one, I'll show my. So it was like kind of both.

Speaker 5 Okay, got it.

Speaker 1 I'll show my nuts if she shows her boobs. Okay.
That's my word to you, Doja Cat. Deal.

Speaker 1 All right, my other hot seats is

Speaker 1 our medical

Speaker 1 profession, the world of medicine,

Speaker 1 neurosurgeons, people who study brains, because Darren Ravel,

Speaker 1 Darren Revelle is here with some definitive scientific studies that he has put out.

Speaker 1 He said this is how it's done when it comes to bringing the NFL back. Number one, players sign waivers.
The team isn't responsible for them contracting COVID-19. Number two, all players will sign.

Speaker 1 Parentheses, they already get CTE with near certainty. Number three, players who test positive stay out for two weeks.
Number two, let's go back to number two. Number two, all players will sign.

Speaker 1 Parentheses. They already get CTE CTE with near certainty.

Speaker 1 Darren Revelle.

Speaker 1 Normally when you fuck around and you're talking about Pantones and how much seats cost next to a person who's obese that you claim no one wants to sit next to, it's all fun and games.

Speaker 1 You don't know how to read a scientific study. That's pretty obvious.
If I could get on my little, my tiny soapbox here to bring me up to 5'9, I will say this to Darren Revelle.

Speaker 1 What he said actually does damage to the cause of people who are trying to find out what the impact of CTE is on families and people that play in the NFL.

Speaker 1 Because you have to be a fucking dumbass to read that report and see that it's 100 out of 101 brains have CTE and think that that means 99% of NFL players have it.

Speaker 1 That means that of the sample of people whose family members thought, yes, my husband or father killed themselves because they thought they had CTE,

Speaker 1 those brains that were donated ended up coming back positive.

Speaker 1 It's not the entire league. How about the simple fact that we can't diagnose CTE in living people yet? So to say anything with near certainty would be completely wrong and dangerous.

Speaker 1 There are a lot of people out there that play in the NFL that will not develop CTE. They're trying to figure out ways

Speaker 1 to prevent it. And Darren Revelle threw it.
The worst part of it was not just that first tweet, but all the different replies that he answered. that he was saying, no, my number is a very good thing.

Speaker 1 He's struck well, actually. Yeah, no, he's well, actually, you're wrong, Darren.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's just, he's lost. He's lost.

Speaker 1 Darren Revelle is lost, and he needs to be found. Open invite, Darren, to come on and be found.
Because we will find you.

Speaker 1 We will shake you up and put you back into. Oh, I see Billy Football's in there.
Oh, Billy, what'd you say?

Speaker 1 There were so many ways you could phrase number two in a in like a jokey way or neutral way, but you legit chose the one demeaning, souless way and sounds like an asshole. Way to go, Billy.

Speaker 1 Billy, go off, king. Yeah.
Tor him in the wind. That's our fucking kid right there.
Handshake. Handshakes and handshake.
Handshake. Handshakes in the chat.
Yep. Fuck yeah, Billy.
Fuck that, Dern.

Speaker 1 All right, my cool throne is

Speaker 1 us

Speaker 1 because we're about to call Marlin's man because Marlon Man sent us all DMs today saying it's been almost a month since I asked you to call me and you haven't called me, which we did try to call him.

Speaker 1 He just didn't pick up. But we're going to call him right now.
So let's call Marlon's man, finally figure out what he wanted to talk about.

Speaker 1 He said, it's been almost a month since you didn't pick up my urgent

Speaker 1 Marlon's man. What's up? It's the guys from Pardon My Take.

Speaker 1 I love those guys. How are you guys doing? We're doing good, man.
I noticed here's the story. Let me make it really off, Kickstarter.

Speaker 8 I love what you're doing. And what I really love.

Speaker 1 Wait, you're on the show right now, just so you know. You're on the show.

Speaker 8 Oh, I'm on the show, so I okay, I gotta behave.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 8 Well, first of all, okay, just so you know,

Speaker 8 although I stopped, I was the underbidder to david to go meet with

Speaker 1 oh

Speaker 1 man

Speaker 1 how high were you willing to go marlins man at some point in time i'd rather buy a horse yes uh

Speaker 8 you know maybe a derby winner or something and let him have it but i backed out at like 160 something god damn that would have been funny too though having marlins well i didn't want to get into bidding war with him and i was even gonna say like maybe he could bring me as his guest or something you know like i dress up in a oh no i if i won I'd bring him as my guest.

Speaker 8 He could come dressed up.

Speaker 1 That would be funny. Yes.
Okay, what's two? But

Speaker 8 number two was you guys are very involved, and it's, I like them with Penn National, right?

Speaker 1 Yes, very involved. You could say that.

Speaker 1 They're a governor.

Speaker 8 I like very much the little horse race you can have going around on the track.

Speaker 1 No? Yeah.

Speaker 8 So, and I also love Doug's the coach, the big heavy coach, starting at Florida State, going all over. I think it's great.

Speaker 8 But here's the thing. I know personally the owner of Gulfstream and the former president of Gulfstream is my friend and he works here in my building.

Speaker 8 And I told him, why don't we do something to try and get all these people who like barstools to realize how cool horse racing is? Because you guys always are at the front.

Speaker 8 You're not followers, you're leaders. And why don't we do something?

Speaker 8 Instead of you having post time at 457 for a fake race, why don't we make a barstool sports race at gulfstream at like 457 while penn national was closed because of the uh coronavirus epidemic and if it works out well then you guys should have races the barstool race of the day at the different penn national tracks at night penn national's tracks mostly run at night the reason why that's so important on the west coast is three hours earlier So I was thinking you might want to consider doing, and I know Portnoy has been to Gulfstream.

Speaker 8 I've seen him there on Pegasus Day, you know. And I was thinking, why don't we get for free, for free for them?

Speaker 8 Why don't you have to pay him anything? Why don't I get him to spot? Why don't I get him to sponsor like once a day the bar stool race?

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 1 You're coming at Big Cat's livelihood right now. No, no, that's okay.
Milesman, listen. No, no, I know what he's doing.
I think Daniel. You just think it sucks.
It's a great idea.

Speaker 8 And wait, and I think, well, wait a minute. You got to calm down because we don't have the Capitals and we don't have any of the Washington teams and nationals going now and I'm frustrated.

Speaker 1 I love that area.

Speaker 1 You think so.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Marlinsman, how about this? How about we do a little tick-for-tap?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How about this, though? How's your mom doing? Shut the fuck up, Marlon's man.
Yes. Shut up.
Yes. You keep your mouth shut.
Yes. She's great.
She's hard.

Speaker 8 I thought she liked her. She was nice.

Speaker 1 Oh, we know. Yeah, I know you did.
I know you liked her.

Speaker 1 You know, and it's pretty funny because you were the Marlins woman, so it kind of falls in. How about that? That's crazy, huh? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Marlinsman, how about this?

Speaker 1 Hey, hey,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 I love what you're doing with Rita.

Speaker 8 I think that you guys are together makes me happy, and I like her as a person and you very much. So, don't mess this one up.
She's a good kid.

Speaker 1 Will do. Love it.
But what about this, Marlins, man? What if we did something like what you're suggesting with the race, but also you buy a horse that races on Big Cat's track? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you purchase a mini horse. I know that you're really into horse hunting.

Speaker 1 I actually have a mini horse I can sell.

Speaker 8 I'm going to tell wait before i forget they reached out

Speaker 8 coronavirus chain stuff but you guys said you wanted to do it when i was at the army navy game this year and of course i had better seats than trump trump was sitting in back of me in the first row i'm in first row trump's in back of me they said whatever happened to to the big hat and pft going with you Tyran and Iraq with the mermaids.

Speaker 1 We should do that. Oh, yeah, we got to do it.
Wait, wait, wait. Here's what happened.

Speaker 8 Somebody wrote an article two weeks ago about the mermaids and how they missed them compared to the nude flasher at the World Series.

Speaker 1 And all the former mermaids called me up and they said, we want a reunion tour.

Speaker 8 We want to go to New York, L.A., and Chicago. And I said, why those cities? And they said, this is how smart they are.

Speaker 1 Because they're all dark blue.

Speaker 8 We'll stand out in contrast.

Speaker 1 We want to wear Marlins bikini and jump up and down.

Speaker 8 I said, I got better. Why don't we make orange barstool bikinis you'll jump up and down in?

Speaker 1 Hell yes. All right, Marlins, man, these are great ideas.
Let's uh, Hank's gonna text you because we should actually talk about the racing thing. Yes, we'll talk about it offline, all right?

Speaker 8 Yeah, but I just want to know, I really like what you guys do, and I really like nobody intimidate you. And I, you know, I started out with you guys about five, six years ago, and I believed you.

Speaker 8 I took a lot of hell for sticking up for you everywhere, and now everybody believes in it. I think that's great.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't be here without you. All right, Marlins, man.
Hank will be in touch. Fuck you.
All right, perfect. All right.
Thanks, Scott. Great talking to you.
See you, Marlins, man.

Speaker 1 My mom says that you're a great friend.

Speaker 8 AFT, tell your mom I miss her.

Speaker 1 All right, so Hank, you will follow up. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you don't follow up, I'm going to fucking be mad, dude. That would be sick, though.
You can't follow up. If you bought one of your horses, that I can't.
Yeah, $15,000, $20,000. I want 10%.

Speaker 1 Be like, deal. Follow up then.
All right. Secure the deal.

Speaker 1 Now I will. I want 10% as the ideas guy behind that.

Speaker 1 Five.

Speaker 1 Done. I'll buy you dinner.
Done. Okay.

Speaker 1 We're on the cool throne. We're on the cool throne.
We finally called Marlins, man.

Speaker 1 All right, let's get to our interviews. We have two things coming up.
So we're going to do Patton Oswald first, and then we are starting a Dungeon and Dragons adventure. We are.
It's a nerd hour.

Speaker 1 It's a nerd hour. We have Tim Woods, our dungeon master, is going to basically, he's starting an adventure with us and Billy Football.

Speaker 1 And we are going to do every two weeks, we're going to pick up where we left off. So 30-minute bites of it until we reach.
I don't know how you win it, but we'll win this game.

Speaker 1 So, it was very funny, ridiculous, ridiculous premise.

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Speaker 1 And now, Patton Oswald.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest. He has a new

Speaker 1 stand-up out in May 19th. It is Patton Oswald.
I Love Everything is the new stand-up. You can watch it on Netflix.
You got nothing else to do, so you better be watching it.

Speaker 1 Are you... Well, I'm sorry.
Thanks for that ringing endorsement. That is a ringing endorsement.

Speaker 6 You got nothing else to do.

Speaker 1 You got nothing else to do. Are you...

Speaker 6 That's true. I'll I'll take it.

Speaker 1 Are you like, there's this part of you, like everyone's just stuck at home watching Netflix? This is a Netflix boom for anyone who's got something coming out.

Speaker 6 So whenever they announce some new show that premieres, I'm so excited. And when a new movie comes out or a new season or something, I go and, yeah,

Speaker 6 I cannot be more happy for new television.

Speaker 1 Yes, absolutely. Yeah.
So

Speaker 1 you've been in like all my favorite shows, which is crazy.

Speaker 1 Like looking back through your body of work, you've done some very, very funny shows with very, very funny comedians that you're co-acting with.

Speaker 1 And a lot of these shows, it seems like there's a lot of improv that goes on during the scene.

Speaker 1 So, you know, you have a direction where you want to go, if it's Parks and Wreck, or if it's Veep or what have you. I've always wondered in an environment like that,

Speaker 1 is it competitive? Are you trying to out-funny the person next to you to a certain extent?

Speaker 6 When you're younger, yes, you do try to do that because you're so, you're trying to like make your name or you find your place in the scene.

Speaker 6 But as you get older, what you learn is the best way to make the whole scene funnier and thus make yourself more memorable is if everyone is trying to make each other funnier in the scene if you're all setting each other up and the scene starts cooking and then everyone remembers the event of the scene and they remember that you were part of this amazing scene but if everyone's trying to bulldozer one another and be like i'll be the funny one in the scene then that yes you'll get a funny moment but the scene will die and the moment out of context won't really land so the best scenes and if you you watch shows like

Speaker 6 Parks and Wreck and Veep and stuff like that, it's people trying to make each other funny in the scene. And that always builds it up so much better.

Speaker 1 So going off what PFT just said about how you've been in pretty much everything, and I agree, so many, so many funny scenes, funny shows.

Speaker 1 What is your approach when it comes to like work and how you decide what you're going to do?

Speaker 1 Because you don't usually see actors and comedians who are in as much, you know, as as many things as you are in.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 6 I guess with me, it's just, I'm very, very,

Speaker 6 I've been very, very fortunate to get to, you know, I think when I do something, I'm usually so excited to be there. And that, I guess, word of that gets around.
Like, he likes being in things.

Speaker 6 Let's, you know, bring him in. He'll, and I try to always, usually when I'm in something, I'm a fan of

Speaker 6 what I'm in. I mean, right now, television is so good.

Speaker 6 That's a weird thing to say, but TV is so good that all the shows you get to be on, you're like, oh, I'm going to, I remember this amazing stuff they did. So you show up excited.

Speaker 6 And then it just kind of snowballs from there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It is true.
We are kind of in that like golden.

Speaker 1 It feels weird to say, but we are in a golden age of television where there's so many good things going on at the same time and you can watch anything at any time.

Speaker 6 On any and in any kind of subject matter. Like if you like science fiction, there's amazing science fiction.

Speaker 6 If you like sports, not just the live sporting events, now there's like the sports documentaries on

Speaker 6 30 for 30 and the stuff that HBO documentaries does about sports.

Speaker 6 Adam Corolla has some racing documentaries on Netflix that are fascinating.

Speaker 6 Like, again, any area that you're interested in, there's something really well made about it. Obviously, true crime, obviously, comedy, all that stuff.

Speaker 6 It's just, it's everything is exploding and it's fascinating.

Speaker 1 I've always wondered if there's a difference between being in

Speaker 1 a big, a hit show that comes out on Netflix and one that you know trickles out traditionally where it's got your defined seasons and you get like kind of like a lasting oh you're the guy that's in this television show and it kind of you know it lasts years at a time whereas it comes out on Netflix and everybody is just singing your praises for a few months telling you how great this is but then it kind of fades away really quickly like which one of those two dynamics do you prefer that's a wow I never thought I wonder if that's going to change how people

Speaker 6 wow because with TV it's with what you said tv that that comes out like an episode a week over a number of years you kind of develop and grow with the character and you grow with people's reactions to it yeah but with a netflix or hulu series where you shoot the whole thing and they just here's the whole series

Speaker 6 you have kind of made yes you still develop the character and you shoot it over you know however months it takes to shoot it but you have decided on that character and then the the public kind of reacts to it in total rather than week to week or especially if you do like a traditional sitcom or one hour show on network TV, you're about four or five episodes ahead.

Speaker 6 So if an episode comes out and people react strongly for or against something, you will adjust that as you do future episodes. And that's always, that was always part of TV.

Speaker 6 I never thought of it that way. I wonder if there are

Speaker 6 there's probably younger actors coming up that will never understand that process.

Speaker 1 Right. I got to imagine it's a good thing to be able to react to your audience a little bit and see what works.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't know, was there a time in your career, like one of the characters that you were playing where you did adjust what you were doing?

Speaker 6 I do remember very clearly the first couple seasons of King of Queens.

Speaker 6 I was just not a trained actor and I was really, really floundering and I wasn't able to figure out how to make the character funny.

Speaker 6 And then so in between seasons two and three, I started working with an acting coach and had a friend come and read lines with me and really, really work on like what to do with the scenes and maybe mess around.

Speaker 6 And I would like re-watch the episodes,

Speaker 6 especially to watch people like Kevin James and Jerry Stiller who are so amazing.

Speaker 6 And then to see like, well, how are they landing this stuff so effortlessly and then putting that work in and figuring that out.

Speaker 6 Wow, that's a really

Speaker 6 good area to explore because also what's happened is, yes, it's a good thing to adjust, but sometimes it's a bad thing if all you're doing is chasing the audience's approval.

Speaker 6 You can miss the opportunity to develop your character in a unique way that at first people don't like, and then they go, oh, wait a minute, that's amazing.

Speaker 6 Which some of these Netflix and Hulu shows allow the actors to do. Without them,

Speaker 6 an actor and actress can work and they don't have to have a studio accept come in and go, well, the ratings aren't good. You got to, you know, they are allowed to develop their.

Speaker 6 I don't know what's, there's positives and negatives to both. That's a really interesting

Speaker 1 question.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's, it's, it's also like, I've, I've actually even noticed that

Speaker 1 I'm re-watching, because, again, we have nothing to do.

Speaker 1 I'm re-watching all the office, and I remember watching it the first time, loving the, the Pam and Jim storyline and being like, I'm rooting for them. And now I'm re-watching it.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's because I know the ending, but I, I'm so annoyed by them.

Speaker 1 constantly on camera and i think it's because i'm watching four or five episodes in one night where i'm seeing their interactions i'm like this is over the top.

Speaker 1 Whereas when you watch it once a week and a new one comes out, it doesn't, it feels like you have a whole life in between and it doesn't feel as in your face.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 6 You know, that's a really, the office and Parks and Rec are really good examples because very famously, the first six episodes of those shows, the tones are so different than the rest of the series.

Speaker 6 It tried to be, everyone was a little meaner and negative and because they were trying to emulate Ricky Gervais and they learned very quickly, people don't like this.

Speaker 6 And they adjusted those shows especially Parks and Rec. Parks and Rec early on it's very very snarky very dark very kind of anti-heroesque and then they adjusted it and then made the show work so

Speaker 6 but what you're saying

Speaker 6 with a Netflix or Hulu model they don't do that adjustment that's the whole season

Speaker 6 and sometimes if you shoot a show you're in a bubble where you're on set going God this is so brilliant but what you think is so brilliant when you put it in front of an audience you're just like I don't get this have you ever had a moment where you've been part of a project and

Speaker 1 in the moment, you're like, this is awesome. And then you yourself watch it back and be like, ooh, that I would have done something differently here.

Speaker 6 Yeah, there have been a couple of things, and I don't want to name them because

Speaker 6 some of them are done by friends of mine and some of them have friends of mine in it.

Speaker 6 But yeah, there's been a couple of things, a couple movies, couple TV episodes that I've been in where I'm like, this decision I'm making is pretty cool. And then you see how people react to it.

Speaker 6 You're like, oh,

Speaker 6 yeah, I might have been a little self-indulgent there. Or

Speaker 6 something that we did

Speaker 6 on one day, but then fit in in a bigger context just doesn't work and you got to lose it. And it's so, it's heartbreaking when that happens.
But it happens.

Speaker 6 It's part of the risk, but it's also part of the fun

Speaker 1 at the same time. Yeah.
Do you have any problems writing a character and then turning it over to somebody else?

Speaker 6 No. In fact, I like when I write a character that, you know what, there's a series that I produced and wrote, co-wrote for Hulu Hulu coming out later this year called MODOK.
And it's all voiceover.

Speaker 6 It's animated. And seeing characters that we wrote and developed, but then seeing how people interpreted them with voiceover and took them different ways is fascinating.
And it's so cool to watch.

Speaker 6 That's always fun for me. I always love that.

Speaker 1 You can bring something new. Something you did that

Speaker 1 struck me is about five years ago. I don't know if you remember it, but you did the Twitter thread after Trevor Noah became the daily show host and there was the old jokes and stuff.

Speaker 1 And basically your Twitter thread was you told one joke and then you had 57 tweets after that explaining the joke and apologizing if anyone was offended in any different way.

Speaker 1 Do you,

Speaker 1 one, remember it? And two, do you still kind of stand by the idea that comedy should be protected and things that are taken out of context from years past can't be judged the same way?

Speaker 6 Well, I stand by two things in comedy. I stand by context and I also stand by evolution.
Yes, you always have to put things within their context.

Speaker 6 If you look back at, you know, look, there's moments in the movie Ghostbusters that are very sketchy by today's standards in terms of like, but you have to also keep in mind the context of the time and go, that's how things were back then.

Speaker 6 Let's not cancel this thing after the fact, and then let's embrace the evolution and the moving on that we've done.

Speaker 6 Those two things are what makes comedy exciting, is that there's the context and you got to keep context no matter what, but you also have to go, hey, comedy's got to change.

Speaker 6 Comedy's got to, after a while, you got to go, you can't just go, well, that was always funny. Yeah, but it's not anymore.
We got to move forward and that's fine.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 You know, both of those things can exist at the same time. Otherwise, we'd still be doing knock-knock jokes.

Speaker 6 And I don't mean saying knock-knock jokes are offensive, but you could argue like, well, knock-knock jokes work back in the 1920s. Was doomed that way.
No, we just keep moving on and rolling forward.

Speaker 1 I like that answer because it does seem sometimes that it becomes like a black and white debate of, you know, if someone said something, then they're out. Or

Speaker 1 I mean, like that. Yeah.
Try reading Mark Twain right now. Right.
Right. And like you open his book and you're like, yeah, this guy's canceled.
Right. But it's things that were funny.
10 years ago,

Speaker 1 you can't take away that feeling that they were funny 10 years ago.

Speaker 6 I was, I, it made me very happy a few days ago. Somebody tried to start a Twitter thread canceling Robert Downey Jr.
for Tropic Thunder, reviewing the character in Blackface.

Speaker 6 And someone else pointed out, and it got like 143,000 retweets.

Speaker 6 He's not making fun of black people. He's making fun of white actors who think they can play any role, which is something that you have been outraged by.
And this is a perfect example of what...

Speaker 6 So you can't, so you're just totally canceling this out of context and not seeing that this person is actually on your side. Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're looking at it in two dimensions and just seeing what's in front of you and saying, Okay, that I associate that with being bad, ignoring the whole purpose behind the character.

Speaker 6 If you show anyone just the first 10 minutes of Blazing Saddles, you could then argue, we got to cancel Mel Brooks. This is the most racist.
Look at this movie.

Speaker 6 And you're like, watch the whole thing, and you'll see that it is the most anti-people thought JoJo Rabbit was a pro-Nazi film.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 6 And I'm just like, are you, like, yes, this joins other pro-Nazi films like Seven Beauties and Europa, Europa, and To Be or Not To Be.

Speaker 6 Like, these are all clearly anti-Nazi movies, but part of it is you have to, it just reminds me of like, sometimes when you make fun of something and you want to show how something horrible is, first you have to embrace it before you can strangle it.

Speaker 6 So part of that, he was showing that part of the evil of Nazism is that it could sweep people up and it was very appealing to people but in the end it's horrible.

Speaker 6 It's like people who watch the film Goodfellas and go, that's how it should be, man. Friends hanging out.
It's like, you are missing the point of this movie.

Speaker 6 The point of this movie is it seems really fun at the beginning and at the end they're all about honor, always keep your mouth shut, never rat on your friends.

Speaker 6 And all they do is throw each other under the bus and rat on each other. That's the irony of that movie is none of them live by that standard.

Speaker 6 And so the same people that try to cancel stuff are the same people that watch like Goodfellas Goodfellows or Scarface and go, yeah, that's how to do it.

Speaker 1 That's how it's done. Wolf of Wall Street was about a dude that just did a bunch of drugs and fucked all this hot tail run around.
It kicks ass.

Speaker 6 But you're like, did you see how those movies ended? Because

Speaker 1 they don't come out very well. Yeah, so I have one follow-up to that.
And

Speaker 1 I completely agree with what you just said. My only question is, have you noticed at all in the creative communities, people maybe not taking as many risks?

Speaker 1 Because that's my biggest thing is I don't want people who are insanely creative to stop taking risks with comedy, with satire, with all these things in fear of a mob mentality.

Speaker 6 When anything new, when any new kind of ism pops up, like the

Speaker 6 looking at things that are problematic, looking at things that are not woke, people will initially take it and they'll take it way too far because it's a new toy and they'll run around with it and they'll shoot someone's eye out with it.

Speaker 6 And so, and it sucks. It sucks when that happens.
And then the stuff gets scaled back.

Speaker 6 I'm not seeing, yes, for a while I did see comedians taking less risks because the atmosphere was so supercharged and it was being done so clumsily. But now, have you noticed?

Speaker 6 that people are taking even cleverer risks that are getting around all the PC stuff. Back to Jojo Rabbit, the guy made a comedy where a kid has Hitler as an imaginary friend.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 6 And it was nominated for an Oscar. The show's succession makes you root for the most evil, rapey, racist characters you've ever seen on TV.
If once a new,

Speaker 6 whenever a new stricture comes along, there's always someone that can then come along and find a cool way around it that actually advances things.

Speaker 6 The strictures that were there in the late 50s, Lenny Bruce came along, found a way around it. The strictures against women in comedy, Joan Rivers came along, found a way around it.

Speaker 6 Like everyone keeps keeps finding cleverer ways. There's always the clumsy attempt to tamp everything down.

Speaker 6 First in the 50s, it was the conservatives. Oh, I've got to tamp everything down.
And then clever people find a way over it. Now it's the PC woke people trying to tamp everything down.

Speaker 6 People find clever ways around it. There's always the push and then the push through.

Speaker 6 So we're just seeing the dawn of the push through. And then...
In five or ten years, there'll be another push to tamp things down and someone else will find a clever way around it.

Speaker 6 And that's what keeps comedy, music, movies, TV, that's what keeps it exciting.

Speaker 1 Right. The trick is to find,

Speaker 1 to put out the right intent and go out the right target and have the right message. And if you're doing that, then there are ways around.
You use the word clever.

Speaker 1 And I think that, you know, sometimes when you see things like PC culture tamping things down, a lot of people's reaction is, well, I'm just going to go out there and be the most offensive that I can to get around it.

Speaker 1 And that's not always, that's not the funny way to get around it. That's not the clever way.
No. The clever way is finding some irony or something to some contradiction to poke at and then use that.

Speaker 6 The whole point of getting into comedy is to always find clever ways around the shushers,

Speaker 6 whether the shushers be conservative or liberal or leftist or right-wing, whatever it is.

Speaker 6 Our job is to find the clever way around it. The clever way around it is to not throw a temper tantrum and go, well, I'm just going to say the N-word 50 times.
Well, anyone can can do that.

Speaker 6 That's not, find the way that the person that would normally shush you would go, oh, shit, that was actually good. All right, you know what? You know what I mean? Believe me, there were plenty of,

Speaker 6 I have plenty of conservative friends who back in the day would watch the Daily Show and go, ah, this is still pretty good.

Speaker 6 And I have plenty of very liberal left-wing friends that still listen to stuff like some of the stuff that Bill Burr does. And they go, ah, shit,

Speaker 6 that's a good point, though. So, because they find clever ways around it.

Speaker 6 And so that's what you, but that's what you always have to do is you're not, you're, I'm not in, I'm not in comedy to be liberal or conservative. I'm in comedy to be funny.

Speaker 6 And if there wouldn't, if there wasn't any, there wasn't any hurdles for me to find a way around, it would be so boring. I like that there's hurdles that I can figure out a way around them.

Speaker 6 That makes it more fun.

Speaker 1 Because then you're like, oh, fuck, we all got away with it. This is great.
So let me ask you this.

Speaker 1 If you're playing a character that might be pushing some boundaries, a character that's objectively a bad person, like maybe your character from Veep, right? Pretty creepy dude.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 you spend all day on set being that person, being this creepy guy.

Speaker 1 Do you have to remind yourself, like, hey, I'm doing this as part of a larger thing where I'm making fun of this creepy guy?

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 6 I mean, especially if you look at all the stuff that Albert Brooks, Ricky Gervais, Martin Moll, even Steve Martin did back in the day, they wanted to play the people that they couldn't stand to show you how awful they were.

Speaker 6 And someone like Teddy Sykes, who there are, unfortunately, there's people like that in the world as we now know, as well, as we now know,

Speaker 6 we always knew it, but now it's all out in the open.

Speaker 6 It's good to play that character and show you how pathetic and kind of secretly afraid he actually is. And that's what he's overcompensating for.
You know, you,

Speaker 1 I don't, I.

Speaker 6 It's no fun playing the person who's pointing out that things are wrong and stupid. I'd rather play what is wrong and stupid and show you how dumb it is.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 Like Fred Willard. Fred Willard is the king of playing the most loathsome characters that you just love because you can see how much fun he's having

Speaker 6 ripping them apart.

Speaker 1 So I've never seen Star Wars, but I'm also not one of those people who...

Speaker 1 Hang on. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me finish the question. Hold on.
I'm not one of those people who looks down on Star Wars. It just never was for me.

Speaker 1 But I know how popular it is, and I know a lot of people who listen to this show like it. So, can you talk about Star Wars? That's my Star Wars question.
Well,

Speaker 1 you know what's kind of interesting?

Speaker 6 I mean,

Speaker 6 you never having seen Star Wars,

Speaker 6 it would be fascinating for you now

Speaker 6 just to sit and watch it only to see the origins of so many things that are just throwaway phrases in our culture. Yeah.
Like

Speaker 6 it's like when I go back and watch, like, um,

Speaker 1 uh,

Speaker 6 um,

Speaker 6 if I go back and listen to like really, really early post-punk and Garage Rock and you see the origins of, oh, wait a minute, that Nirvana song, that's where they got that guitar riff or this thing, that's where they got, like, you see the origins of something that at the time must have seemed so startling.

Speaker 6 And now it's just everywhere.

Speaker 6 That, that would actually be a really cool experience for you to either do a podcast on or do a live thing on a guy watching Star Wars for the first time and going, is that where

Speaker 1 it comes from? Wait a minute.

Speaker 6 Oh, like to see that happen for the first time, I bet that would be fascinating.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've been using that phrase my whole life and I didn't even know it came from that movie. I never saw it.
But then also

Speaker 6 having seen, because interestingly enough, I showed my daughter Star Wars when she was six. A bunch of us, we found a print of Star Wars from 1977 before all the tinkering, an actual print.

Speaker 6 It didn't even say episode four. It just said Star Wars.
Remember, they re-released it and made it episode four. It wasn't originally episode four.

Speaker 6 And we showed it to all of our kids. And half the kids went crazy.
And half the kids, including my daughter, were like, it's fine.

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's okay.

Speaker 6 It's kind of boring. They just talk a lot.
I, you know, like, because she had seen so many other awesome things since then.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 And it didn't land on her the way that it should. Just like when my dad took me to see Star Wars, he was like, I thought Flash Gordon was amazing in my day.

Speaker 6 And he tried to show me one of those old Flash Gordons.

Speaker 1 And I was like, this is terrible.

Speaker 6 Like, I couldn't believe how bad it was. Although I could also appreciate, oh, that's where they got that.
That's where, oh, okay, they just, he repurposed it.

Speaker 1 Do you like the direction of the franchise? I think they've kind of sold out.

Speaker 6 I think the franchise, like any franchises,

Speaker 6 is

Speaker 6 it's whoever last has it. So, for instance, I thought that Empire is one of the best sequels ever made because they took what was Star Wars and made it even better.

Speaker 6 And then Return of the Jedi kind of lost it a little bit. And then the prequels, let's not talk about those.

Speaker 1 You Jarjar done.

Speaker 1 I won't talk about them either. I'll pretend

Speaker 1 you got to see Jar Jar.

Speaker 1 You should start with episode one and watch them in the order that they were meant to be released.

Speaker 6 Well, I'll tell you something actually interesting you can do in a second.

Speaker 1 And then I thought.

Speaker 6 Force Awakens was like, okay, I guess we're sort of resetting it. It was almost like, sorry about the prequels, guys.
And then Last Jedi was kind of interesting. Like, he let's do some new stuff.

Speaker 6 And all the nerds went, no. And then they went back to, all right, let's just give these guys what they want.

Speaker 1 Baby Yoda.

Speaker 1 Baby Yoda.

Speaker 1 Mandalorian is amazing. Yeah.
Is the Star Wars fan base the hardest fan base to please?

Speaker 6 It's up there. It would be, I think it's up there with

Speaker 6 the Simpsons fan base.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 6 And

Speaker 1 maybe the Yankees, if they don't win the World Series, they're like, what the fuck?

Speaker 6 Wait a minute. Yeah, in the sports world, what is the equivalent sports fan base of a Star Wars fan base?

Speaker 1 Eagles? Cowboys? I mean, we have Eagles friends, fans that are like, I saw one of them after the draft was like, this franchise will never win anything.

Speaker 1 It's like, dude, you won the Super Bowl three years ago.

Speaker 1 What are you talking about? It's definitely the Cowboys because they actually called Jerry's World Death Star. Yeah.
It's owned by, like, Jerry is Darth Vader.

Speaker 1 If you take the mask off, he looks exactly like him.

Speaker 1 They were really popular back in, like, the 70s and 80s. I remember.
And then

Speaker 1 they had a resurgence in the 90s, and then they haven't really done shit since then. Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 It is Star Wars. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they've got the star on the helmet.

Speaker 6 Yeah, they have fans who are fans who love them, but no matter what the team does, they hate it.

Speaker 1 Yep. Yeah.
Absolutely. Yeah.

Speaker 6 There's no pleasing them.

Speaker 1 It's interesting that you mentioned The Simpsons. I thought of it that way.

Speaker 1 I feel like The Simpsons would be one where if everybody out there watched The Simpsons, they would realize that there are so many people that are less funny than they thought they were.

Speaker 1 There's so many people who are just really good at using Simpsons quotes at the right time.

Speaker 6 Yes, I absolutely agree. Well, that's like if someone who

Speaker 6 has never seen the movie Caddyshack or The Big Lebowski and seen it for the first time and go, oh, is that where half of these phrases come from?

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 6 Like literally, it's part of our language now. It's ridiculous, the amount of stuff.

Speaker 6 Seriously, dude, that'd be a really cool limited side project for you. Watch Star Wars and then have you just go, oh,

Speaker 6 that's where the Matrix took that from. That's where that's.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 I might do it.

Speaker 1 I might do it.

Speaker 1 Is there anything that you've written that has become one of those phrases that's entered into the public lexicon? Maybe a lot of people don't know where it came from.

Speaker 6 It seems, I mean, I keep seeing people say the phrase, well, the two of them that I said that I keep seeing pop up as memes is Failure Pile and the Sadness Bowl

Speaker 6 is what's how I described the

Speaker 6 Kentucky Fried Chicken Famous Bowl where they just Kentucky Fried Chicken gave up and go, let's just put our menu in a bowl and covered it in cheese and gravy and it became the most popular thing they've ever done.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no offense.

Speaker 6 They created an entree that is how you eat when you're suicidal and America said, yes, finally, that's what I want.

Speaker 1 No offense, that was a bad take on your part. I love the famous bowl.
It's so convenient. It solves all the problems.

Speaker 1 It's one bowl. I don't have to deal with all this shit.
Just put it all together. It all ends up in the same place, anyways.

Speaker 1 Were you ever Colonel Sanders?

Speaker 1 No, you know what?

Speaker 1 You should have been. There's been like 40 of them.

Speaker 6 I know. And they like sent me a.

Speaker 6 After I did that bit, it kind of went viral.

Speaker 6 They sent me two bobbleheads, one of Colonel Sanders and one of me, which I'm like, this is some weird kind of Sicilian message, or I don't know what this is.

Speaker 6 And then the other line of mine is

Speaker 6 science, we're all about coulda, not shoulda. And that was about the 65-year-old woman giving birth to twins.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 I feel like. Oh, wait a minute.
Hang on.

Speaker 6 Going back. I just, the Godfather thing, I just thought of something.

Speaker 6 So you guys have obviously seen the first Godfather film, right?

Speaker 6 There's a really interesting movie. It's not a great movie, but it's still good called You've Got Mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

Speaker 6 And there's a whole subplot about he keeps using phrases from the movie The Godfather, which is another movie where half of the dialogue is just part of our slang now. Yep.

Speaker 6 And she's like, why do you, what do you mean, go to the mattresses? And he goes, what it means is how hard are you willing to commit to winning this battle? Are you going to go to the mattresses?

Speaker 6 Like, are you, you know, and you realize he goes, that movie is a way for men. to articulate how they have to live in the world.
Yes. You know what I mean? And there's so many lines in there.

Speaker 6 kind of reminds me of what you might be going through with star wars where you're going to be you're oh you're going to be pretty meg ryan going win so that's what yes these these aren't the i mean literally these aren't the droids you're looking for is now like part of a you know like a phrase basically yeah

Speaker 1 it's slang for like don't ignore what you literally what is literally in front of you do or do not there is no try Yeah, I'm more of a Godfather 3 guy, but Norman seemed pretty good.

Speaker 6 I'd like to pretend that movie never existed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've never seen that movie.

Speaker 6 Godfather 3 is the prequels of the Godfather films in terms of people going, let's just pretend that this never happened.

Speaker 1 Yeah. MST3K, Mystery Science Theater 3000, that seems like another franchise with a fan base that would be impossible to please.

Speaker 6 Weirdly enough, that fan base is one of the sweetest fan bases because the personality of the show, it's Joel Hodson, who is such a just a genuinely nice guy. And

Speaker 6 all of his comedy, it's never mean-spirited.

Speaker 6 It's all about we're in a horrible situation we're trapped on a satellite cut off from earth they're making us watch bad movies how do we make the best of this awful situation with my friends so

Speaker 6 it's all about making do with what you have so the it's like it's almost like the the corporate culture of mst3k is don't complain if it doesn't work for you make it better rather you know what i mean whereas i think the corporate culture of some of these other fandoms is i am owed everything you know it's like we,

Speaker 6 it's the line from The Simpsons when the combo guy is like, it's the worst episode ever. And I feel like they owe me an apology.
It's like, they've given you years of entertainment for free.

Speaker 6 It just goes, worst episode ever. Like you just want to be angry, you know? Yep.

Speaker 1 We, we, yeah, I feel like if anyone who's in any creative capacity gets that at some point where they're like, give us more of what we want.

Speaker 1 And it's like, but I have given you that for many, many years. And then when you do one thing, we're like, fuck you.

Speaker 6 I'm sure you've experienced this is because I have my friends who are podcasters. If you drop an episode an hour late, the comments are what the fuck, dude.

Speaker 1 What's going on?

Speaker 6 You're like, dude, it's an hour late. We just wanted to tweak it for you so it would be good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, we from the very start, we very smartly had Hank put the episodes out and he would fall asleep. So they knew from like day one, if it's late coming out, Hank passed out for four hours.

Speaker 6 That's good. Yeah.
And good.

Speaker 1 We've avoided that.

Speaker 1 I have one last question. So, your stand-up special, I love everything.
May 19th, Netflix. What is like the overarching theme?

Speaker 1 Give us the elevator pitch. Why we got to watch it.
We're going to watch it anyway, just so you know, because you're a very funny guy.

Speaker 6 You're watching a guy embracing 50 and being annoyed with the fact that he actually understands too much.

Speaker 6 And it's hard to truly hate anything anymore because you know, even when someone's being a dick, you maybe know why they're being a dick.

Speaker 1 You're like, oh, I'm just too old to have hatred anymore.

Speaker 6 Hatred for the young. I miss it.

Speaker 1 I like that. Yeah, I like that a lot.
I really like that.

Speaker 1 Because there is something about, we deal every now and then with like remembering that when you're in your 20s and that feeling like you know everything, but you actually know nothing.

Speaker 6 Oh my God. You want to get a perfect example of this.
And I'm sure you've experienced this as sports fans as you get older and you understand what athletes go through.

Speaker 6 So stuff that you got angry at when you're young, you're like, look, just sell out. And then you get older, you go, good for him, making making some money.
I know how horribly they're treating him.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 6 When I was a young music fan, whenever a band would like loan their song to a product or a commercial, I'm like, dude, this fucking bullshit. These sellouts.

Speaker 6 Then I began to be friends with a lot of musicians and I saw how horrible. their record contracts were, their residuals were.

Speaker 6 And then when I heard, when I'd hear, whenever I hear a song in a commercial, I'm like, good for them. Good.

Speaker 1 Their kids' teeth are straight and they can retire when they're 60 good for them it is weird i'm so happy i i agree with you but at the same time it is weird sometimes hearing like a lou reed song in a car commercial but it's also the way that a lot of people like bob dylan selling volvos yeah i bet you there's a bunch of people who found out like oh my god that song was pretty cool let me go check this out exactly when i found out that smash mouth wrote the song all-star to try to sell the movie

Speaker 6 they wrote it specifically to sell the nike and nike was like yeah we're good and then they sold it to gatorade i'm like good for them

Speaker 1 what was the other one? Wait, I had no idea. You just blew my mind.
Yeah. All-star was not written about just like somebody telling somebody else that the world's going to roll them.

Speaker 1 What was their other song that was

Speaker 1 the movie? What was that movie that they did? Mystery Men. Yeah, Mystery Men.
It came out. Yeah.
Was that also?

Speaker 6 Yeah, and they also put it because the movie was like, can we use your song?

Speaker 1 And they're like, absolutely. Make that money.
I like that.

Speaker 1 Before we let you go, I have one question to wrap things up. I was a big fan of your performance in Big Fan.
So

Speaker 1 you have obviously spent some time listening to Sports Talk Radio.

Speaker 1 Now, did you write all that stuff yourself where you're calling into the show every single night?

Speaker 1 Because we have some people that call into our radio shows here that I think they write their script out and they're like, okay, I know exactly what I'm going to say.

Speaker 6 I didn't write it.

Speaker 6 The guy who wrote that movie is the same guy who wrote The Wrestler, and he was obsessed with, he would listen to these call-in programs, and he could tell the calls where the guy is clearly like reading a manifesto which i'm sure you guys have experienced and he wrote it he would write it out but he made sure he goes i don't want you to memorize this dialogue i will give you this stuff written out right before we shoot the scene i want it to feel like you're reading it and it's not quite conversational.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 6 I want that feel because you you guys must have you guys must have taken calls where you're like, you're about to interject and you're like, oh, no, wait, he's reading a paragraph.

Speaker 6 I got to let him finish.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 6 If I interject, he'll start again. He'll go back to the beginning.
And I, you know, we can't do this right now. Yes.

Speaker 1 I also like the end scene where you shot Michael Rappaport. That was cool, too.
Squirrel alert. Squirrel alert.
Here's it. You'll like this.

Speaker 6 That scene we shot in a bar on Staten Island and super low-budget movie. They, for all the extras, they put an ad on Craigslist.
Come be an extra in a movie. So we all got there that morning.

Speaker 6 We're all there setting up the shot and everything. And all the extras show up.
They're putting people in their places. And then a guy, one of the extras, after like 20 minutes goes by.

Speaker 6 And one of the extras gets a call.

Speaker 1 And he's like, oh, God,

Speaker 6 I have an emergency. I have to leave.
Is this going to mess up your movie? And they're like, no, there's like 50 people here. He goes, I'm so sorry.
I have like this thing at home.

Speaker 6 And he was like really freaking out. They're like, dude, it's okay.
You can go. Don't worry about it.
We're not paying you. You can leave.
Then he leaves. And another 10 minutes goes by.

Speaker 6 And people are like, where's my laptop for the

Speaker 6 he had come in, case the place with his backpack, grabbed whatever he could off the tables, and then had his friend call him and go, oh, I got to go.

Speaker 1 I respect the move. Yeah, what a smart, smart move.
Yeah, that is a smart move. Jesus is a smart movie.
Yeah, smart move. There you go.
All right, Pat and Oswalt, this has been awesome.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. Everyone, go watch the new stand-up special.
I love everything. May 19th on Netflix.
Yes.

Speaker 6 Dude. Do the limited series of you watching Star Wars.
That would be fascinating.

Speaker 1 You have to come out out of that. That would be fascinating.
Yeah, you have to come out.

Speaker 6 I will totally do it. If you do it, I'll totally do it.
I want to see how you react to it. That'd be amazing.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 I will absolutely think about doing it. Do at least one episode.

Speaker 1 I'll make him do a single episode. I'm going to think about it.
All right. All right.
Thanks so much. See you back.
All right, guys. Bye.

Speaker 1 Before we get to this ad, quick reminder. For Friday's show, we're going to be watching another documentary.
This one is going to be Ronnie Coleman, the King. It's about weightlifting.

Speaker 1 It's about bodybuilding. It's an awesome documentary.
It's very, very funny. You can watch it on YouTube, Google Play, Amazon.
Check it out. Ronnie Coleman the King.

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And now, Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on a very good friend of ours. It is Tim Woods, who taught us how to play Dungeons and Dragons about two years ago.
We ran the episode on Barstool Gold. We recently re-aired it.

Speaker 1 People loved it. So, our idea is we are going to start a longer campaign on Part of My Take.
Every two weeks, we will run 30 minutes of our campaign, and we're going to see where it goes.

Speaker 1 And Tim is going to,

Speaker 1 what's the official title? Dungeons and Dragons Master?

Speaker 10 I am a Dungeon Master, although Game Master is like I run all different kinds of games, but I'm running Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 1 I like Dungeon Master. I like Dungeon Master.
That sounds nice to meet you. You got a ring too.

Speaker 1 So before we start. Let's do a quick refresh for everyone who might be listening for the first time with the Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 1 Explain to us or explain to our audience what is Dungeons and Dragons, what exactly you do, and what we're about to embark on. Absolutely, for sure.

Speaker 10 So Dungeons and Dragons is one of my favorite games of all time.

Speaker 10 It is a type of tabletop role-playing game where basically we're all going to take on the roles of different characters who are in theory going to team up and go on an adventure together.

Speaker 10 Whereas you'll all be playing different characters and making choices about what what they do and what abilities they use and powers.

Speaker 10 I will be telling the story, talking about what your characters see, what they're fighting, and I'll be controlling a lot of the monsters, but also the good people in the world of Dungeons and Dragons and leading you on your adventure, as it were.

Speaker 10 I am a professional.

Speaker 1 So you're a god, basically. You take on the role of a god in this game.
It can be a benevolent god, or you can be as evil as you want to be.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. Can you watch me?

Speaker 10 I'd even go as far as to say I'm in the over god. I decide what the gods of Dungeons and Dragons do.
So I'm even a step above them.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I want to just note something that you said there that I wanted to take this time to apologize to everyone here because you said we were going to work together last time.

Speaker 1 In theory. In theory.
Last time we had an issue because we were running out of time and I realized that I could kill everyone. So I want to take this time and apologize to, I was a barbarian.

Speaker 1 I want to apologize to PFT, who was a bard, and to to Hank, who was a warlock. I killed them both.
I would like to say truce, and let's see where this goes, where we work together.

Speaker 1 In the, in, you know, time, last time. Oh, okay, yeah, truce.
Truce. The thing about words is if you don't mean them, they

Speaker 1 all stop me. I mean,

Speaker 1 last time we were trying to end the game, promises.

Speaker 1 Promises broken.

Speaker 1 Listen, a bard has a good memory. He forgives.
You didn't even know you were a bard. He forgives, but he does not forget.
Until I told you you were a bard. All right.

Speaker 1 No, but I have a real quick question because I don't know how much we got into the backstory about Dungeons and Dragons last time.

Speaker 1 When was Dungeons and Dragons invented, and do we know who started it?

Speaker 10 Yes, actually, we do know. And that's part of what I wrote about:

Speaker 10 it was started in the 1970s, which interesting is right when computers were getting invented and choose your own adventure books and stuff like that.

Speaker 10 People were all getting into this kind of like procedural systems for games.

Speaker 10 And a guy named Gary Gygax, as well as many of his friends, including a guy named Dave Arnazen, who all kind of worked together to create this game.

Speaker 10 And he kind of like went out and crowdsourced all the rules, said, What do you think should happen in this game?

Speaker 10 And a lot of it was just kind of like people getting together and creating this simulation in their mind and just anchoring rules to it.

Speaker 10 And the initial rules were like real weird and not that great and complicated. And over the years, they've gotten a lot better, in some ways, more realistic, but more than anything, a lot more fun.

Speaker 1 You really only have one job if you're Gary Gygex. That's to create Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 10 It was what he was put on this earth to do without a doubt, I believe.

Speaker 1 He's the Dungeon Master Master himself. Is there a GOAT Dungeons and Dragons player? Who's the best of all time?

Speaker 10 So it depends on who you ask. There are many kind of celebrity players out there and stuff.
And a very popular Dungeon Master, a very popular game master is Matt Mercer right now.

Speaker 10 Their series Critical Role got picked up by Amazon. And

Speaker 1 they're doing doing pretty well right now it's a very popular show at the moment they kickstarted for like 11 million dollars and then got picked up by amazon you got picked up by part of my take so you're in there you're in there all right i i'm i'm doing great right now one last question before we jump in can we do like a cross campaign like inside of our campaign can we go kill mike mercer

Speaker 10 I mean, so in theory, I could always like insert like characters from Matt Mercer's games like into here or something.

Speaker 10 It's all like in theory can be one big world if you want. And I do sometimes have like characters from one of my games kind of show up under my control in like other games and stuff.

Speaker 10 So it can be fun to do crossovers.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Because if we beat Mike Mercer, then we're the ghosts.
Yeah. So

Speaker 1 what's the longest or what's the average time that a game takes?

Speaker 10 I'll say this. Usually when I run games for customers, I'm running.
running a three-hour session typically.

Speaker 10 So we kind of be doing an abbreviated version, but we can definitely sink our teeth into the action, just as we did last time.

Speaker 1 Well, we'll get to three hours. It just is going to take multiple times.
So we'll stop and pick up. Okay, so what's the first thing? We have four players.

Speaker 1 Billy Football is also here. He's in the middle of us.
You didn't meet him last time. What is this? How do we start?

Speaker 10 In theory, I would start by, first of all, just highlighting who your characters are.

Speaker 10 And I know we didn't do this last time, but in theory, you can come up with a name for your character and decide as much backstory for them as you want.

Speaker 10 New players, I never worry too much about that because we're going to be learning who these characters are together. But I'll say generally you would pick your character.

Speaker 10 And what we could do is we had some great character selections last time. We had a barbarian, a bard, and a warlock.
That's a great group.

Speaker 10 We can pick those same characters again if we want, or we could pick different characters, like a different fighty type, a different spellcaster. We didn't, we don't have, well,

Speaker 10 the bard is kind of a sneaky

Speaker 10 skill-based character. So we have a lot of the best characters we could get.
Was anyone,

Speaker 10 And I'll say, I always say there's four different categories: the fighty types, the spellcasters, the healers, and the sneaky skill-based characters.

Speaker 10 Was anyone interested in hearing about them, or did they just want to grab their own character?

Speaker 1 I personally feel like we should run back our characters and add Billy to our crew. Yeah, so I, so, all right.
So, I'd be, I'm a barbarian. Uh, I'm a gift.
I'm a bar, right? And tanky. I'm a warlock.

Speaker 1 A warlock. So then Billy.
Is that like Gimli from Game of Thrones? Is that Warlocks?

Speaker 1 I mean, Lord of the Rings.

Speaker 10 Lord of the Rings, absolutely. So Gimli the dwarf would kind of be like a barbarian or maybe a fighter, a big, big bruiser.

Speaker 10 However, there is a classic archetype of the Dwarven Cleric, the dwarf who follows the god of Morodin. That can mean that that kind of dwarf is more of a healer, let's say, than Gimli would have been.

Speaker 1 Can my bard also be a dwarf?

Speaker 10 You or Bard can be any race you want it to be.

Speaker 1 If you want to be a dwarf, absolutely you can be. Okay, so taking a little note of that.
So what is the fourth category? Yeah,

Speaker 1 make sure you really write it down. Very short.

Speaker 1 Five, six. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Super short. So what is the fourth category that we don't have now? So we have a barbarian, a bard, and a wizard, and a warlock.
What's the fourth category we don't have?

Speaker 10 In theory, the healer types would be the ones that you don't have yet. So I mentioned the cleric, and that would be the fourth kind of perfect niche that you'd be filling right now.

Speaker 10 So the warlock's kind of your spellcaster. The cleric is your healer.
The barbarian is your big fighty type. And the bard bard would be kind of the more skill-based, the talkative, the face.

Speaker 1 Also, the barbarian is like 20 pounds overweight. Can you write that down? I've lost a little bit of weight.
Let's write that part down. So, the barbarian shaved too early and his face looks shaved.

Speaker 1 That's true. So, all right.
So, the Billy's going to be a cleric.

Speaker 10 Absolutely. A dwarven cleric, I assume.
Or you can be a bad guy.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's going to be a giant cleric. Can you be a giant cleric? Yeah.

Speaker 10 There is a race called Goliaths, who are like half-giants. They're not quite full giants.

Speaker 1 They're playable, but you can be a big telegraph and you grow rock out of your like head, like out of your arms and lips covered with rock. He's basically Rick Smith's perfect.
And cruel tattoos.

Speaker 10 So that's interesting to me because if you're a Goliath cleric, then actually you worship the Goliath gods. And I'll admit, I don't know a thing about them.
So we get to get pretty creative. Okay.

Speaker 1 So what's, so we have our

Speaker 1 roles. What's our next step?

Speaker 10 Absolutely. So all the stuff about our characters, I'll be kind of letting us know as we go what our powers are, what spells we might have available.

Speaker 10 We have a lot of different abilities, and on our turns, we can kind of go over those, but uh, we could just be diving right into the action now at this point.

Speaker 10 Of course, we can, if your characters have any names or anything, any backstory details, you're more than welcome to think about that. But I will let us know where our story would be beginning.

Speaker 1 Do you guys want to give each other names? I would like to be called Ehrlich the Warlock. Ehrlich the Warlock.
That's pretty good. Erlik the Warlock.

Speaker 10 I love that. Are you a human, Ehrlich, or an elf or a dwarf or a gnome? Anything like that?

Speaker 1 A goliath?

Speaker 5 I think a gnome warlock.

Speaker 1 I love that idea. That's fun.
Gnome warlock.

Speaker 1 Excellent. What do you want to call me?

Speaker 1 I'm Berserker Billy. Berserker Billy the Cleric.
The Goliath cleric.

Speaker 10 Berserker Billy. I love that.
You must surely follow like a war god or something with a name like that.

Speaker 1 So that's why I love it. Warriors.

Speaker 1 I believe I'll be Wayne. Wayne.
Wayne the Bard. Okay.

Speaker 10 What's Wayne the Dwarven Bard?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 I think I should go with just a regular. I think I'm just going to be Bob the Barbarian.

Speaker 10 Bob the Barbarian is such a classic. I love that.

Speaker 10 Just a human barbarian, Bob?

Speaker 1 Yep. Well, what's the other one? What else could I be?

Speaker 10 In theory, I mean, elves don't make great barbarians. Humans are pretty good, and dwarves are pretty good.

Speaker 1 I'll be a dude for Goliath. I'll be a Bob the human barbarian.

Speaker 10 You always got to have one human in the group just being like the normy dude.

Speaker 1 I'm a norm.

Speaker 5 Excellent. You are a norm.

Speaker 1 Norm the barbarian. Actually, I should be norm the barbarian.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll be norm the barbarian. Norm the barbarian.
I do like that.

Speaker 10 Let me make a little note of that.

Speaker 1 Norm Chad. Norm the barbarian.

Speaker 1 Norm chad.

Speaker 10 Absolutely.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to ring the bell.

Speaker 1 Game on.

Speaker 1 Game on. Game on.

Speaker 10 And all of our characters, characters, including Norm the Human Barbarian, Wayne, the Dwarven Bard, Ehrlich the No Warlock, and Berserker Billy, our Goliath cleric, all of us have one thing in common.

Speaker 10 Whether we've met before or whether we're just getting to know each other, we're currently working as caravan guards right now.

Speaker 10 And as level one characters, caravan guard is a pretty classic job for you to get. You know, there's not much, you can't go in and fight a dragon at this level right now.

Speaker 10 So you're kind of making a little bit of money watching out for bandits and goblins as this caravan full of like 10 wagons has been traveling along this beautiful trail through a land uh that is uh called elterguard elterguard is a land of rolling hills and it is near a beautiful metropolitan city along the sword coast called balder's gate and we on this caravan in theory are bound for balder's gate and we're about to stop tonight in a village called Greenest.

Speaker 10 And what's nice about village, like Greenest, is it's a tiny little place. Nothing bad is ever going to happen.

Speaker 1 That's probably shadowing. Probably, right? I know what you're doing, Tim.
No trouble.

Speaker 10 It's a teeny, tiny little village without anything noteworthy. We'll sell some cabbages, get some money, and then continue on to Baldur's Gate.

Speaker 1 Except old takes exposed, Tim, right now. I'm nervous.

Speaker 10 At the moment, you're noticing as you guard this caravan and are just moseying along on some wagons that the scout for this caravan, the guy who rides out ahead, is coming riding back and he's riding hard right now.

Speaker 10 He is riding with urgency, quicker than you've ever seen him ride before.

Speaker 1 And he rides right up to the caravan master.

Speaker 10 He's kind of like the caravan master is like our boss. And this scout rides up to him and we see him hop off his horse and he starts talking to the caravan master.
And the caravan master is like, ooh.

Speaker 10 And we see the caravan master master rush over to us. And he says, okay, the scout just told me

Speaker 10 greenest, the village, is on fire

Speaker 1 right now.

Speaker 10 There's smoke rising from the village. I don't know.

Speaker 10 He said it looked like multiple fires. And he said he thought he heard, and he looks at the scout and then looks back at you, a roar.

Speaker 1 Sounds like they're heading to the caravan master. Sounds like they're smoking each other out and getting live with it.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 10 Hot box in the village.

Speaker 1 It's called Greenest. Yeah.
Yeah. I'll trade him some cabbage.
Okay.

Speaker 10 And so it does sound like the caravan master and the scout are turning to us and are saying, well, what do you think we should do?

Speaker 10 Do you want to scout ahead of the caravan? Should we stop here? Should we,

Speaker 10 what do you think? And we've got some options. We could talk to the caravan master, but he doesn't seem to know too much.
We could talk to the scout. He also seems like he only got a little glimpse.

Speaker 10 Or we could just start heading to Greenest.

Speaker 10 We could do whatever we like let's push push greenest i think we gotta i think we gotta just say fuck it we're about that action yeah let's push you just go rushing in and we're like the a team for this caravan they have some guards but we're the ones who if the bandits were to show up we'd be the problem solvers we're the elite force here compared to some of these other like level zero mooks running around

Speaker 10 As you get closer to the village, you can tell that the scout was right.

Speaker 10 There is smoke rising, and we're seeing small groups of villagers who look like they're fleeing the village out into the woods around here.

Speaker 10 What we like to do at this point, you could get closer, but you know that once we get on top of the next hill, you're going to be like seeing the village below. You'll be pretty close to the village.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to load out and get the high ground.

Speaker 10 You could roll to try to look at what you can see from far away,

Speaker 10 or you could like grab some of these peasants and roll to see if you can stop them and like get them to tell you what's going on.

Speaker 1 I think we take some hostages. Yeah,

Speaker 1 let's get some peasants.

Speaker 10 Absolutely. You see nearby you what looks like a small family fleeing up over a hill from behind a tree.
And it looks like a dad in the lead swinging like a lantern.

Speaker 10 Like he's trying to use that as a weapon. Like everyone get away.
And there's two kids running after him. And then the mom is in the back and she's got a shield and a spear out.

Speaker 10 She's obviously part of the militia here. And she had weapons to grab.
And she's guarding the kids from behind. It looks like she's worried.
There are enemies approaching her, it seems.

Speaker 10 Do you want to try to yo, but they seem pretty far away? Do you want to roll persuasion to try to

Speaker 10 see if you can flag them down?

Speaker 1 Or

Speaker 10 in theory, the bard would be very good at persuasion. You would have a plus five on this.

Speaker 10 Whereas, if we're trying to intimidate them and yell at them, like tell us what's going on, that would be the barbarians for today.

Speaker 1 I don't think that we want to intimidate these people. We want to

Speaker 1 roll. No, we want to befriend them, and then we want to get to their village.

Speaker 1 Can we make a note that I would like to speak to the children? Children can't lie.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 10 You can absolutely. Would you be? Um, so I heard, uh, uh, Norm, you're looking to talk to the children, but I'll warn you, your persuasion bonus

Speaker 1 can only be it. Bard can go.
Bard can

Speaker 1 good call. He's just if he wants to roll.
I'm the same size as them, so they'll trust me more. Okay, here we go.

Speaker 10 Absolutely. As a dwarf, yeah, you can start rushing in their direction, roll a d20, the big die, and then add a plus five to your roll.

Speaker 1 So that would be likely to do better. here we go he's rolling rolling now the die has been cast it's only a seven so it's a 12.

Speaker 10 oh with a 12 they're only gonna answer one question right now and then they're just gonna they're like we don't have time we gotta keep going what do you want to ask them

Speaker 1 i think you gotta ask like who's in the village huh who's in the village yeah um

Speaker 1 who is in the village Who is in the village?

Speaker 10 The dad looks at you and he just goes, ugh, like he has no time to answer. But the two kids, the boy and the girl, they look at each other and they, the boy's clearly smiling at you.

Speaker 10 He loves to meet a dwarf. He probably hasn't met a dwarf before.

Speaker 10 And then he blurts out, Red Robes, guys in red robes and the little ones, little, little monsters, and their friends who have red robes. I don't know.
They're taking everything.

Speaker 10 They're taking everything in the village and setting it on fire. And then his sister grabs him and says, Shut up.
We got to go.

Speaker 1 Okay. So what do we do now? Push.
I think we got to go full send in this village.

Speaker 1 I want to hear what Tim has to say. What does red robes mean? Do we know?

Speaker 10 Oh, good question. So if you're wondering what red robes might mean, you can roll a history check.
And I would say everybody could roll this history check.

Speaker 10 And if anybody, yeah, everybody roll a D20 to see if you know what red robes might mean.

Speaker 1 What are we looking for here?

Speaker 10 And in theory, the Warlock has a plus four. If you get a 15 or higher, let me know.
The Warlock's really the only one who would have a big phone.

Speaker 1 I got a 12. Billy got an 8.

Speaker 1 19. I got 18.
I got 19. The Warlock got a 19.
A 19 with a plus 4 equals 15. And you have a 23.

Speaker 10 23. So I'm going to say anybody who got a 15 or higher, it sounds like a norm.
You know this. Red Robes, it sounds like a cult to you.
There are many evil cults in the world of Dungeon and Dragons.

Speaker 10 Some of them worship evil elder gods. Some of them worship demons.
You don't know who this group is exactly, but Red Robes definitely sounds like a cult to you.

Speaker 10 and it sounds like they have lesser minions with them uh however with a 23 on that roll the warlock who is probably himself kind of a cultist uh knows a lot about cults and red robes in particular you can you can even like confirm with the kids wait was there also gold on their robes and the kids are like yeah and you confirm that means red and gold means the cult of the dragon.

Speaker 10 The cult of the dragon is a group who worship dragons, evil dragons, like they are gods.

Speaker 10 and they serve dragons as like lesser minions kind of like they treat dragons yeah

Speaker 1 okay dragon worship now are they dragons or wyverns because i've been told that there's a difference There is a big difference, especially in D and D.

Speaker 10 While Wyverns are beasts that are like dragons, true dragons in D ⁇ D, we all would know, have a couple of things going for them.

Speaker 10 They can talk, they are highly intelligent, and they usually have a lot of magic at their disposal. But Wyverns compared to dragons are like chickens compared to a hawk.

Speaker 10 It is a very different situation, a very different threat level.

Speaker 1 Okay, so, so, all right, so just to recap, guys, we know it's a cult. We know it's a cult for dragons.
It sounds awesome. What is our option now for our next move?

Speaker 10 You are currently still talking to the kids, but they don't seem to want to talk anymore. We could keep rolling checks on them if we want to pump them for more info.

Speaker 10 But otherwise, it would be no check to just run further into the village. It would be a check to scout the village carefully from further village.

Speaker 1 Should we waterboard them? Leave our witnesses.

Speaker 1 Enhanced, interrogate the kids. Hold them upside down.
All right, I think we should scout. I think we should scout the village.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. What do you guys think?

Speaker 1 You guys cool with that? Sure. We scout it?

Speaker 1 Good?

Speaker 1 You want to go all the way in? Yeah. Or you go berserk ability.

Speaker 1 Fuck it. Let's go all the way in.

Speaker 1 One of us dies. Remember, I said scout.

Speaker 1 And uh i mean you could always like start doing perception checks when you're where you're seeing the village more clearly this is a as you this is a classic situation where like the big guy has short friends is like yeah let's go fight these guys like who's gonna have to fight a me i don't want to do that i want to hang out and like sing a song it's the short guy at the bar who gets in a fight he's got a big friend billy go go heal at the tavern because someone there probably is not worried about any of it oh is there is there a tavern in the town good point billy there is almost definitely a tavern in the town

Speaker 1 let's go bar hopping

Speaker 1 Can we go to the tavern? Boys are back. Healing.

Speaker 10 Absolutely.

Speaker 10 As you get to the top of the hill that's going to allow you to see into the village now, you crest this hill, and sure enough, you can see the tavern, but it's on fire right now.

Speaker 1 Someone burned the tavern down.

Speaker 10 And you can see red-robed figures laughing and marching around in groups around this town, setting buildings on fire.

Speaker 10 And you also see red-robed figures running out of buildings, carrying chests and like wardrobes and other random knickknacks.

Speaker 5 They're like stealing from the fire.

Speaker 1 Looters, guys. I'll be honest with you.
It sounds like the red robes are absolutely dominating this fight. Yeah, so we want to be on the right side of history, right?

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, so what's our option now that we've seen everything's on fire? They're fucking shit up. What do we do?

Speaker 10 You see many groups of red robes, but they all look pretty distant to you.

Speaker 10 You're also noticing a castle up on a hill, and lots of the villagers fleeing the Red Robes seem to be either running to the castle or out into the outskirts and woods of the village.

Speaker 10 So you could roll perception to look around, see if there's anything else you haven't seen yet.

Speaker 10 You could start proceeding further into the village, but then you don't know when you'll run into enemies exactly. There's the risk of that.
You could do whatever you want at this point.

Speaker 10 You're seeing a lot of people running around in this village fighting. And yeah, the Red Robes are winning.
winning for sure.

Speaker 1 Could we send the caravan that we came with? Could we like put them on the front lines and send them into the village to fight?

Speaker 10 In theory, you could go back to them and tell them, you know, convince them, hey, either it's good or whether it's good or not, you got to go ahead ahead of us.

Speaker 10 You're more than welcome to, but I'll tell you this. You don't think that caravan is going to last very long.

Speaker 1 Okay, so let's go to the buy station. Can we get a UAV?

Speaker 1 What? I think Hank's talking about

Speaker 1 Call of Duty. All right, I say, now this is a team decision, but I say we can't let these fucking red robe dwarves fuck shit up for too long.
Let's go save this village. Because then it's ours.

Speaker 1 But their cult sounds awesome. Let's save this village.

Speaker 1 Let's go in and

Speaker 5 we could join the cult and then save the village from within. I kind of like what people do that.

Speaker 1 Do I feel fire? How about this? How about we go to the red robes and we say we want to join your cult. And then when they start like recruiting us, we kill all of them.

Speaker 1 Sneaky. Can we do that?

Speaker 10 Absolutely, you could.

Speaker 10 I would say that if you start heading into the village, you're looking around for groups of red robes, but before you see them, you're passing by what seems like a barn and you're hearing noise from inside of it.

Speaker 10 It doesn't sound like red robes, though. It sounds like yapping, tiny voices that are like, oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, inside this barn.

Speaker 10 Now, I'm going to say up ahead, you do notice two red robes setting a cottage on fire. So you hear this and then you see that.

Speaker 6 What would you be interested in?

Speaker 1 I think we've got to talk to the muffins. It's the yappers, or it could just be like someone's wife nagging.
They might know something. It's greeny.
Yeah, let's talk to them.

Speaker 10 You open up the barn. Is that right? With the yapping voices? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Take out the trash.

Speaker 10 What you see is these creatures that you all know the name of as soon as you spot them. These are creatures called kobolds, and they are notoriously weak little monsters in DD.

Speaker 10 They each look like a little tiny lizard person with kind of a long lizard face. And they each have little daggers in their hand.

Speaker 10 But what they appear to be trying to do is gather up a bag of potatoes and carry it over their head. But it requires two of these little bitty kobolds to carry a single bag of potatoes.

Speaker 10 And there's several bags in here. They're fighting right now.
And then they all turn and look at you.

Speaker 10 And then there's four of them all frozen right now.

Speaker 1 What do you do? Okay, I have a question.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 1 don't say that I'm always wondering about food, but do we need to eat at some point? Should we just kill these fuckers and eat them with the potatoes?

Speaker 10 In theory, you always have food to eat, I kind of say, but you know, kobold is a rare delicacy. Oh, yeah, let's eat.

Speaker 1 Let's grill out. Harriton, grill out, let's grill out.
Kobold and fries. Let's do it.
Can we send our berserker in there and just start having him fucking wail on these little guys? Harran time.

Speaker 1 Harrantime.

Speaker 10 Absolutely. I'm going to say berserker.
Now, when you say berserker, do you mean berserker Billy or Norm the Barbarian?

Speaker 1 We can have Norm just step on it. Yeah,

Speaker 1 whatever's going to get us the food fastest.

Speaker 10 I love it. I would say sending the barbarian in first is definitely the way to get the food fastest.
So, barbarian, if you rush in, you can make an attack against one of these kobolds.

Speaker 10 Go ahead and roll a d20 and add plus five.

Speaker 1 What do I need to roll here? What am I looking for?

Speaker 10 You don't know exactly what you need because the armor of some creatures is very high. You don't think kobolds have very high armor, though.
So, you probably don't need higher than like a maybe 13.

Speaker 1 Okay, here we go:

Speaker 10 a 10 plus 5, 15, plus 5, and with a 15, that is a solid hit against one of the kobolds. Now, do you see, I'm actually going to give you a choice.

Speaker 10 Would you be wielding a big axe or a big sword, do you think?

Speaker 1 Up to you. Sword.

Speaker 10 Sword. If it's a sword, grab two of the D6s, the cube dice, and you're going to roll them.

Speaker 1 We don't have...

Speaker 10 No worries. I can roll it for you right now.
Would you like me to roll for you? Sure. Absolutely.

Speaker 10 The damage that you're going to be getting, let's see, is going to be, you get to add plus three to this.

Speaker 10 You got seven on the dice. You rolled 2d6 and got seven.
Perfectly average. And then you add plus three to it, 10.
Because you dealt so much damage. I'm going to say this.

Speaker 10 There was two kobolds holding up a sack of potatoes.

Speaker 1 You just sliced through both of them at the same time.

Speaker 1 You killed them both in one go.

Speaker 10 And I'm going to say that's because you dealt exactly enough damage to kill two kobolds. You think they each had five HP? So you swing your sword and cleave them in two.

Speaker 10 The other two kobolds who are lifting the other sack just start panicking and kind of waving their daggers at you. They're definitely going to either attack or run.

Speaker 10 But next up would be Wayne, the dwarf bard. Wayne, you just saw the barbarian rush in.
What would you do? I would. The kobolds are either going to run or attack.
You're not sure which.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make them fight each other and the winner gets to stay alive.

Speaker 10 I love that. So you can use persuasion to convince them.
And the funny thing is, if you use Intimidate, you can really yell at them, but you only have a plus three on that.

Speaker 10 So, in theory, as a bard, you're better at being like nice or tricky.

Speaker 1 I want to set up like my own little dogfight between these little kobolds. And then

Speaker 1 the winner of it gets to be our pet.

Speaker 10 Absolutely. So, you say, hey, one of you is going to get to be my pet, but only if they kill the other one.
And that's a good persuasion check. I like that.
Roll with a plus five. Trying to get to it.

Speaker 10 See if you can convince.

Speaker 1 You don't think this would be that difficult?

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 I got a one. I rolled a one.

Speaker 1 You rolled a one. I rolled a one.

Speaker 10 The two of them turn to look at each other, and they start to yap in their own language at each other. And I know Warlock, the Warlock would know this language.

Speaker 10 They are speaking in Draconic to each other. They speak the language of dragons, we are learning.
And so it does seem like they speak the dragon tongue.

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 10 And the Warlock knows what this is.

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 1 Should we just capture them then and keep them? Because if we're going to have to deal with dragons in the cult, we have a translator. We have a translator.
Can we do that?

Speaker 1 Even though we've killed their buddies and we're going to eat them in front of them, it would be a persuasion check, surely.

Speaker 10 Unfortunately, right now, these two kobolds have just turned to look at each other. And in Draconic, they said to each other, Hey, if we gang up on them, we don't have to fight each other at all.

Speaker 10 And they go, Oh, yeah, that's right. And then they are leaping to attack the bard.
So you can still try to convince them if you want, bard, but all you have left is your action.

Speaker 10 You talk to them, so you can use your action to talk to them again or attack them. Which would be good.

Speaker 1 I think you got to talk to them. Try to tell you how to talk to them.
I'm going to double down on talking. I'm going to double down on being a player.
We already got enough food. Okay, here we go.

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 10 They're heading right for you. They're fellows.

Speaker 1 So they'll attack you if you do well on this. Yeah.
Listen, cooler, cooler heads will prevail here.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck you. I just throw a 20, bitch.

Speaker 1 Yeah, bitch. Hell yeah.
Yes. Suck me words.
Let's keep it.

Speaker 10 You go from famine to feast. I love it.
And you just got a critical hit of 25 total. What are you saying to these kobolds to convince them? It's going to work one way or another.

Speaker 10 You just got a critical hit. What are you telling them?

Speaker 1 Tell them we got food. Okay, so I'm going to say that we don't tell them it's their friends.
Yeah, I'm going to say we have food and drink and it's the meat and blood of their buddy. And also.

Speaker 1 But also I want them to fight each other because I want to keep one of them as a pet eventually.

Speaker 10 Absolutely. They hear about the food and they don't even ask for details.
They just go, wow, food, food? Yeah. And they do speak the common tongue, it seems.
And they go, food, food?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 10 we're hungry. Look, and they point at the potatoes like they were just here for a snack.
We're hungry. Yeah, yeah.
Um, uh, we both help. We both help.
Yeah, yeah. What do you say?

Speaker 1 Let's, let's wait. Do we trust them? So the thing is, he's pushing back pretty hard on not making these two things fight each other.

Speaker 10 You're more than welcome to tell them now you got to fight each other, and then you'll have one minion.

Speaker 1 No, I think you're talking about that. Okay, how about both? Both of them? Yeah, but then they can communicate.
They can give eternal. Cank knows how to.
Ehrlich knows how to talk to them.

Speaker 1 I wonder if they have different sets of skills.

Speaker 1 Are they identical in DNA?

Speaker 10 They seem pretty much like pretty ordinary kobolds. Same stats.

Speaker 1 Okay, let me ask this question then. Do they know I already killed their two friends? And are they mad about it?

Speaker 10 100% they're mad, but I will tell you.

Speaker 1 Oh, you guys killed this. No, I'm not sure.

Speaker 10 I'll tell you what the critical hate, you know, this. They're terrified because you killed their friends.

Speaker 10 And you can tell that they are cowardly and willing to serve anyone who has proven that they are stronger than the Kobolds.

Speaker 1 Okay, I think PFD, we got to kill one. We got to kill one.
We can't let them two of them. Should we just have Berserker Billy take matters into his own hands and kill one of them?

Speaker 1 And then the other one can be like, I want to name it Reek and teach it to be afraid of me.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, so let's kill one of them.

Speaker 10 Absolutely. So in that case,

Speaker 10 it would be Ehrlich.

Speaker 10 Perfect. Berserker Billy, if you want to charge in and swing with your Warhammer, you absolutely may.
You would have a plus four on this to kill the last, the one Kobold we don't need, the extra.

Speaker 1 Hammer time, hammer time. All right, come on, Billy.
Don't fuck this up.

Speaker 10 He is like immediately seeing you rushing in, like, no, no, get her, get her, get him, get him.

Speaker 1 It's a nine.

Speaker 10 A nine? And is that before you add the plus four?

Speaker 1 No, that's, yeah, that is before we add it.

Speaker 10 Absolutely. So you got a 13 total.
I'm happy to report. That is just barely a hit against the kobold.

Speaker 10 Do you happen to see a d8 in front of you? It's the kind of diamond choice.

Speaker 1 No, we only have D20s.

Speaker 10 You've only got D20s. Perfect.
Just now that I know.

Speaker 1 Awesome. Oh, buy more.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 10 Absolutely. I'm going to roll the damage dice for us.
The D20 is the most important one. And so you just dealt nine, or sorry, seven damage to this kobold.

Speaker 1 Smoosh, it is destroyed.

Speaker 10 And the kobold Reek, I guess, turns and goes, hey, good choice. Great choice.

Speaker 10 And gives us a thumbs up. He didn't like that other kobold at all.

Speaker 10 And he loves us now by all accounts and you think he made the right choice two kobolds scheme together one kobold is just a a very helpful minion probably i think that is a good call great

Speaker 10 and so this this kobold throws himself at the feet of the dual uh cleric uh but also the feet of the bard and to be fair the berserker is the barbarian as well he's afraid of all of you right now okay so we own him so now uh what what's our next step we're gonna eat we're gonna fucking eat and be fat and merry.

Speaker 1 And then what do we do?

Speaker 10 I'll say this. You can load up the kobold bodies into your bag.
It might take a while, like, cook them and stuff, but you're due for a good feast once you cook these bodies up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Let's salt them and cure them.
Take them, hang on to them for later. Yeah.
Totally.

Speaker 1 So, Tim, this might be a good... Do you think this is a good time to stop for this session? Or should we maybe set up what? Let's do a cliffhanger.

Speaker 10 I think a cliffhanger. If you were to say, interrogate this kobold, I think we would get a really good cliffhanger.
Oh, interrogating the kobold.

Speaker 1 We should find out what's going on in that town. Let's interrogate this kobold.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 10 And that means that if the bard talks to him or if the barbarian intimidates either one, you'll get advantage because he already is afraid of you and willing to serve you.

Speaker 10 So, advantage is you get to roll two times and take the higher number. Who would like to take the lead on

Speaker 10 interviewing this kobold? You've been talking to these guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Here we go.
11. You get to roll.
11.

Speaker 10 And then, and then you roll again and take the higher number. Okay.

Speaker 1 11 was the higher number.

Speaker 10 11 was the higher number. So with a plus 5 added to that, I think you got a 16 then for persuasion.
And so with a 16, the kobold wants to spill all the beans, basically.

Speaker 1 He's willing to answer

Speaker 1 three questions

Speaker 10 at least right now.

Speaker 1 What questions do you have to take? At least three. Okay.
I want to know

Speaker 1 what...

Speaker 1 What the red robes are doing there, why they're taking over that town.

Speaker 10 He says, oh, humans, humans. Yeah, red robes, red robes.
Um, well, we here to take money. We here to take goods.
We here to take anything not nailed down. Um, um, is for horde, is for the horde.

Speaker 10 We must grow the horde. And you can tell he's repeating a motto that he's been taught, a mantra.
We must grow the horde. The horde must grow.

Speaker 1 Okay. Always.
Should we ask?

Speaker 10 Even teeny puny village like this have some money.

Speaker 1 Should we ask if there are dragons or like where the leader is? Well, we should we should ask that, but we also got to get a number check. We got to figure out how many of them there are.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So let's ask how deep's their squad. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How many people are there? How many red ropes?

Speaker 10 He starts to smile evilly, and then he realizes he shouldn't do that. And he starts to get very serious.
He just says, well,

Speaker 10 is many

Speaker 10 100 human?

Speaker 10 200 kobold.

Speaker 10 That is too many

Speaker 10 forces for us to fight right now. That is a substantial army attacking this village.
It's also, you know, this huge overkill.

Speaker 10 For a village like this, they maybe had two dozen militia members at the most. And they're getting attacked by like 300 combined cultists.

Speaker 10 Kobolds aren't quite worth the whole cultist, but still a lot of force.

Speaker 1 What's up with Kobold being like, like thinking about he was going to answer the question differently and then smiling and being like, I don't trust him.

Speaker 10 I'll tell you automatically what he was hoping, he was going to be cackling at you like, you're all in trouble.

Speaker 10 But then he realized that would probably get him killed potentially. So he didn't want to tease his new bosses.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I think we should fucking kill him for even

Speaker 1 teasing us.

Speaker 10 Reek, no serve cult no more. Reek your friend now.

Speaker 1 Okay. All right.
So we have one more question.

Speaker 1 One more question.

Speaker 1 I think we got to ask like what should we ask him what we should do? Or do we not trust him? Should we ask the kobold guy?

Speaker 1 I don't trust him enough. Like we just

Speaker 1 maybe we ask him so whatever he says, we can do the opposite. Here's the thing, though.
Well, that's a good point because right now he doesn't trust us.

Speaker 1 We have to psychologically torture him for a long time before he actually

Speaker 1 falls in line, like her pet. So, um, what would you do? Yeah, what, yeah, we should ask him.
That's a good, yeah, yeah, and then we'll do the opposite.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, buddy, we really trust you and like you already, you piece of shit. What would you do?

Speaker 10 Oh, um, uh, Reek, Reek always do as he told. So, Rick, Reek, do what he's supposed to do.
Uh, uh, when high priestess give the orders,

Speaker 10 she tells Reek, work with all other kobolds, steal all things you can steal, and then gather

Speaker 10 around the castle for the siege.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 10 I would go into siege

Speaker 10 if you were not my friends.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. That's where they're going to end up rendezvousing.
So if we get there first, maybe we can fuck them up. Well, yeah, or we show up there.

Speaker 1 We just talked ourselves into believing the kobold guy, by the way. We said we were going to do the opposite, and he just convinced us to do.

Speaker 1 Fuck, this guy's a little, he's too tricky for my brain.

Speaker 10 Now, he's going to give you one extra, very important clue that he feels like you need. He says, that is what I would do if High Priestess

Speaker 10 were my friend. Now, you, my friend,

Speaker 10 my friends,

Speaker 10 like you, should probably, if I were you, flee.

Speaker 1 Flee here

Speaker 1 and never come back. We got to go see the high priestess.

Speaker 1 That's what he wants us to do. He wants us to flee.
He wants us to make our decisions.

Speaker 1 You should flee because

Speaker 10 the high priestess, Frulemandath,

Speaker 10 not alone with just cultists and kobolds.

Speaker 10 She brings something much bigger.

Speaker 1 She's got a dragon.

Speaker 1 We got to go see the dragon.

Speaker 1 She bring the cyan wrath,

Speaker 10 is what he says.

Speaker 1 Okay. With like that shitty car that no one owns? Yes.

Speaker 10 And then in the distance, we all fairly clearly, from behind the castle, hear a mighty roar

Speaker 1 echo throughout the city. We got a good castle.
Okay, so this is a perfect time to stop. That is thrilling.
So we're in this barn to reset. We're in the barn.

Speaker 1 We've killed three kobolds to eat. We got potatoes.
We got one kobold to be our fucking inside man. We hear a dragon roar.
We see the castle.

Speaker 1 Next time we're going to figure out what the hell we want to do.

Speaker 10 Absolutely. Wow.
And as far as psychologically breaking this kobold, you may have done that already.

Speaker 1 It wasn't a lot of work, honestly.

Speaker 10 He's already like, how can I help you, my lord and master? He's already like fully like going to shave you and not cut your throat.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like to rename him Bob Costas.

Speaker 1 These are little Bob Costas. All right.

Speaker 1 Well, Tim, this has been great. And then we will.
Absolutely. You obviously keep notes and right.
And so we'll pick up in two weeks. We will just do this again right where we are.

Speaker 10 Cliffhanger. Love that.
That's fantastic. I think that's a great idea.

Speaker 1 All right. Thanks so much, Tim.
We appreciate it, man.

Speaker 10 Thank you all. All right.
Such a pleasure. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 Same place, same time, two weeks. That was great.
Thank you so much. Two weeks.

Speaker 10 Absolutely. I'll make a note down for next Tuesday.
Cool.

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Speaker 1 Life's okay to be safe.

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