Nick Swardson, Caron Butler, Mt Flushmore Of Cars, And Duggs Goes To Texas Tech

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On today's Pardon My Take, we got a twofer for the people. We have comedian, actor, Nick Swartzen, hilarious dude, big-time Vikings fan.
We have a great conversation with him. And then we have legend Tough Juice, Karan Butler

on the show for

15-20 minutes. Great talk with

him as well. Some awesome stories

and I never knew that anyone

could have a Mountain Dew addiction, but he had it.

And straws. And straws.
And we talked

to him all about that before we do. Oh, sorry.

We have also Hot Seat Cool Throne,

some Doug's Talk,

some Guys on Chicks, and Mount Flushmore

of course. So pack show for everyone.

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Okay, let's go. Boy! Boy! Now in the street there is violence And I'm not allowed of work to be done.
No place to hang out or wash in, and then I can't blame all on the sun. Oh no, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.
And then we'll take it higher. Oh, we're gonna rock down to electric avenue.
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You get $10 for free, $10 for the ASPCA. Today is Wednesday, May 6th.
We missed Taco Tuesday and Cinco de Mayo. It was the greatest.
We had a nice two-show run there. It was the greatest.
Confluence. Confluence of events.
It was LeBron's perfect storm. We had a streak, yeah.
Yeah, for sure. I mean, LeBron's got a lot of other stuff going on in his life right now.
He needed a day for him. Yes.
And I think Taco Tuesday and Cinco de Mayo, that's LeBron's day. He's too busy not

talking about the last dance, but only

tweeting out Isaiah Thomas highlights. Is that what

he's been doing? That's the only thing he's really...

That's the only thing he's done since the last dance

has been on. He had a long tweet

about how good Isaiah Thomas was, and that was

basically it. Did he tweet anything

out about him dunking on Isaiah Thomas, the

other Isaiah Thomas? I don't think so. I think he might have

said something about that. Wow, interesting.
I think he's been thinking of Jason Terry. He's been doing a lot of retweets of just stuff about his school, about how good his school is doing.
So just changing the conversation a little bit. Yeah, get the narrative going.
So we don't have sports, but we have fake sports and some real sports, actually. Let's start with that.
Korean baseball is going to ESPN or is already on ESPN. Now, the games are in the middle of the night uh but with the new baseball season and real sports being back i think we need to we owe it to ourselves to pick i think we should pick a team for the whole podcast everyone okay i was wondering if we're gonna go individually let's get some gear let's root for this team we know nothing i'm gonna list them all for now, and then we can go.
What we'll do is we'll eliminate it. We'll get it down to three just off of just like instant reaction.
So here they are. Think about it.
The NC Dinos. I like it.
The Doosan Bears. The Samsung Lions.
The Low-T Giants. Low-T.
Yeah, I like that one. The LG Twins, the Kaoom Heroes, the Kia Tigers, the SK Wyverns, the Hanwha Eagles, the KT Wiz, and the Hyundai Unicorns.
Okay, right off the bat, I'm going to eliminate. I don't like the unicorns.
Not because I don't like the name. I don't like the logo.
Okay. Logo looks very mid-80s.
All right, fine, fine. All right, so I'm going to say my three off the top are going to be the low-T Giants, the Dinos, and the Bears, just because then I can just tweet the Bears are back.
I'm going to say I agree with you on the low T. I like the low T Giants.

I'm going to look it up right now.

We can pronounce it low T.

The low T Giants, the NC Dinos, and I like the SK Wyverns.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hank, anyone?

Dinos.

Got to go with the dinos.

Dinos are unicorns.

I think we should go with the dinos too.

Dinos?

The dinos.

I mean, that's just, that's like being like seven years old and being like, you know what

I really wish I could do is root for a team named the Dinosaurs.

So the NC Dinos, that's going to be our team. They actually have a nice logo too.
Some good colors. Looks like Royals colors almost.
Let's look up real quick. We're going to do a little search.
I was hoping for a dinosaur. It's like gold and blue.
Well, they probably have a dinosaur. I guarantee they have a dinosaur mascot.
Yeah, just hold on, Hank. Don't bash our team like that right away.
They've been around for seven years, it looks like. Oh, expansion team.
Are we still an expansion team? I would say that would make us still an expansion team, right? Finishing last place last year. Good.
No one can say we're front runners. No, two years ago.
They were right in the middle last year. No one can say we're front runners.
They lost in the wild card to the Twins last year. They, let's see.
Let's see. The Dinos.
The Dinos. Oh, we have never won a championship.
That's good. So that we can say we got in on the ground floor here.
The Leicester City of Korean baseball. Any guys we can recognize off the top? Aaron Alther.
Nasoon Berm. Logan Verrett.
I'm pretty sure he was a pitcher for the Rangers last I remember. Logan Verrett.
Mike Wright. Okay, so we're NC Dinos, guys.
Okay, I like it. Oh, whoa Whoa Time out Can I tell you the name of the mascot? Swole Daddy Fuck yes Swole Daddy Swole Daddy is his mascot I'm pulling up a picture of Swole Daddy right now.
Holy shit. It is cool as shit.
We lucked into something. It's the Loch Ness Monster on steroids.
Dude. He's jacked as fuck.
Oh my God. Did we get lucky on that one? This is the mountain of dinosaurs.
Swole Daddy. Come at us.
We need to get all the gear. When I say we need to get all the gear, we need to just have Welker create the gear for us.
Yeah, maybe even get just a giant swole daddy in our studio. Yeah.
Oh, man, this guy is cool. He's got a huge fucking neck.
Neck for days. It's a Glennon neck.
And he definitely is swole. Oh, yeah.
And he's got a sick little pendant on his neck, like a chain. He rocks a chain.
I was going to say he's a smoker, and that's probably the lung box thing.

He's got a tracheotomy.

Yeah.

But Swole Daddy.

He's been intubated.

We're in.

Swole Daddy.

The NC Dinos.

All right.

I like it.

Let's fucking go.

I'm excited now.

Yeah.

I'm not going to watch, but I'm excited.

We're 1-0.

Are we?

Winning streak, yep.

Hell yeah.

And, oh, this one's cute, too.

They got a little Dinos fan account that I'm going to follow right now.

The NC Dinos fan account.

Make sure to check do the translation. Smash that translate button.
All right. Other news.
You had some questions for Coach Duggs who went on Monday night. He won the Rose Bowl and then went from USC OC to Texas Tech head coach, Wreckham, guns up.
Congrats on the head coaching job. You got to make sure you do it at an angle.
Like this. Otherwise, it's a loser.
Yep, off to the sides. I mean, that's a big step for you.
Yeah. So Coach Duggs, the narrative around Coach Duggs has been he's a career coordinator.
By the way, if anyone doesn't know what we're talking about because they might not live on the internet, I started an NCAA dynasty with a coach that I created named Gus Duggerton who's very obese, loves to throw the ball, loves to blame his defense for fuck-ups, and I'm now in season four. I started Toledo, went to FSU, won the Fiesta Bowl, no big deal against UConn, won the Rose Bowl at USC against Michigan State, which was basically the national title, and then now I'm at Texas Tech.
Okay, yeah. Actually, honestly, it's very impressive what you've done with Coach Duggs.
Right now, Coach Duggs is the hottest thing in sports. People are buzzing.

You've got every single major college football account is talking about Coach Duggs.

The Texas Tech football account is welcoming you to Lubbock with open arms.

Patrick Mahomes is excited to have you as his coach,

even though we don't think that Patrick Mahomes is in the game.

He's not.

He's not.

He got there in 2014.

These are rosters from 2013, but I might make them.

So it's remarkable. It's remarkable what Coach Duggs has done in such a short amount of time.
But there are some narratives. And as Big J journalists, I feel like we should address what these emerging narratives are before you lose control of them.
Okay. So the first one that I had is that Coach Duggs does not care about the defensive side of the ball and is going to to get exposed fact okay well it's busted the thing is it's the big 12 so that's exactly what i'm gonna fit in yeah no defense isn't going to be worse than baylor's listen the one nice thing about being coach duggs is i am very honest about my shortcomings defense is number one and i will still blame my defense if they fuck up my offense.
Okay, narrative number two, clock management is awful. Again, fact.
So, clock management, I have a philosophy with clock management. If there's time on the clock, you score points.
No matter what the distance, no matter what the down, if there's time on the clock, you're going for the end zone. Even if you're up late? Yeah, even if I'm up late.
Especially if you're's actually what's yeah if you're a bcs voter bcs that's what you look at style points now for actual clock management at like the end of the first half again very bad now i think of myself as the reverse andy reed andy reed likes to just burn timeouts early and doesn't have any. I like to save my timeouts until there's like an ideal coach Doug's situation is 18 seconds left with all three timeouts.
You're flexible. You'd rather have him and not need him than need him and not have him.
Correct. I'll take timeouts in the locker room.
I don't care. Okay, next one.
His weight makes him lose energy as the season goes on. Also fact.
So he gets lethargic by the time November rolls around. You're susceptible to trap games.
Yes. Yes.
Well, I've only lost one trap game. Yes.
I've only lost one trap game. Georgia Tech? Georgia Tech wasn't a trap game.
Georgia Tech is the definition of a trap game. It was the ACC championship game for a spot at the natty.
Both of us could have gone to the natty. Georgia Tech.
So that's not a trap game. I'm of the mindset that anytime a team loses to georgia tech it's a trap game because you don't see the triple option coming our conversations behind the scenes you were completely you had already looked past oh t hank no no spill that t no no listen georgia tech for some reason at ncaa football game they just love the triple option because if you play enough years army navy and georgia tech are always at the top of the country it's crazy i will 100 own up to ucla being the biggest trap game of all time and i walked right into the trap okay uh next one coach duggs wasn't even the best coach on that toledo team that he debuted with that's also so he hasn't really earned what he's been given he's a a system coach who rode the coattails of the head coach of that Toledo team who just won the national championship at USC, University of South Carolina.
Now let me ask you a question. Would you rather have a national championship or three Heismans? And a civil conflict.
And a civil conflict. Easy.
Three Heismans. Yeah, three Heismans.
I've won the Heisman every place I've gone. So that's a recruiting.
Like, hey, you want to win a Heisman? Come be with Coach Duggs, because guess what? When he's up 30 points, he's still going to pad those stats. You're the Coach Cal of NCAA football.
We've got to get those guys' jerseys framed and put behind you as your coaching. Yes.
I'd also like it on the record. I've won the Heisman as a running back twice and a quarterback once, so I'm flexible.
I might try to it i'll win it as a wide receiver or a defensive no i'm not a defensive player no i'm gonna play defense and i like i might just let them score just so i can like last guy wins yep um another emerging narrative you're a one look and go type of guy or at least you overlook b you don't you never pass to b not anymore you see the rose bowl rose bowl b was on fire i scored five touchdowns going to b so whoever's told me b's always open thank you for that because i did at one point look past b but now i do not look past b anymore now i actually you could accuse me of the reverse well i only look for b it's just one game yeah it's just one game though i i got b on my sights now Okay. Last narrative that's out there is that Coach Duggs has rabbit ears.
He listens to the chat too much. Yes.
Gets thrown off his game by the chat. There's at least one interception a game that is 100% because of the Twitch chat.
Okay. And they will goad me into interceptions right when I can't have one.
I do think that Lubbock and Texas Tech is a perfect environment for a Coach Doug's type guy because it's a small enough town where – Sovereign immunity. You're sovereign immunity.
Well, no, they don't have that. No, we're going to fight that when I leave.
We're going to fight that when you leave and your contract, they try to take your money from you. Yes.
There aren't enough people. There aren't enough like capital J journalists in that town to really put the screws to you.
So you can play fast and loose with recruiting. You can play fast and loose with practice rules.
You can lock your players in equipment sheds. Correct.
All these things, and no one in Lubbock is going to say anything as long as you win. What's the blind play policy as a head coach now? I'll still mix them in.
I don't know if I can do blind plays. Actually, I can do blind plays on defense.
Fuck it. I'm only controlling one player.
I don't – I'm going to be a Texas Tech for a year. I'm going to give it my best, maybe two years.
But I've said it, and I'll say it again. Coach Duggs is a guy who likes to lose in the national championship.
He's a rambling man, okay? He likes the road. He likes to be out there.
He likes to get in on different campuses. He likes to make sure that his past doesn't catch up with him by staying one jump in front of the NCAA.
Is Mrs. Duggs and the family coming to Texas? No, they're staying in Toledo.
They're staying in Toledo. They like it there.
Yeah, they like it there. The schools are good.
They're like, I got to focus on football. I got to focus on football.
I'm very pumped. It is so sad that this is the state that we're in that game days, game days, I get so excited.
Are you guys ranked in the top 25? Nope. Preseason? 2-10 last year.
No respect coming. That's why it's just a total turnaround job.
If I can win week one against UCLA, which is tomorrow night at 9 o'clock, people will be singing my praises. A lot of oil money flowing through there.
Wednesday night, 9 o'clock. Maybe a doubleheader against Florida State.
I can't start 0-2, though. Fuck.
Florida State and who? UCLA revenge game. Florida State.
And me and Billy are playing with a COD League professional Call of Duty player before. All right.
That's a hell of a lead in. Billy's going to get fucked.
It's going to be something. Billy's going to get fucked.
Hard. No, we're playing with him.
Oh, you guys are going to fuck people. Hell yeah.
Hard. Alright, let's get fucked it's gonna be something Billy's gonna get fucked hard no we're playing with him oh you guys are gonna fuck people hell yeah hard alright let's get to our hot seat cool throne then we got Nick Swardson and Karan Butler coming up hot seat cool throne is brought to you by our friends at Bud Light Seltzer try it for yourself and see why great tasting Bud Light Seltzer is putting every other hard seltzer on the hot seat drink a Bud Light Seltzer now try to drink oh it says try to drink a Bud Light Seltzer is putting every other hard seltzer on the hot seat.
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Does this work when you tap the top of a beer? Hold on. All right, I got you.
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Okay. There's a lot of shit in this office.
All right. Ready?

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God damn, that sounds refreshing.

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sound like busy bone bft's wearing his bud light seltzer that's fine i was sweating through the shirt earlier so all right hot seat cool throne thank you bud light seltzer we love you we have so much bud light seltzer here it's the best honk go ahead my hot seat is teachers what uh? Uh-oh. Thank your pardon? Elon Musk, who was the goat of nerds.
Someone say a trendsetter of the nerd community. Occupy Mars.
Occupy Mars. He had his first child, and he named it XAEA12.
XAEA12. Okay.
What does that mean? That means that he is setting a trend. I have no idea.
It's an X. Do you think that they did like a middle name like Frank? No.
Who knows? Maybe the AE is a 12. It's a mathematical equation.
It looks like a Mewtwo sign. Like it's like not even, it's not AE.
Wait, middle name Steve. Anyway, so my point is that teachers are on the hot seat because this is going to start a trend amongst the nerd people community.
Be like, oh, we don't even have to name our kids real names. We can just do symbols and codes.
And so imagine being a teacher and getting a attendance sheet and being like, hey, Sam, Joe, XAE12. Well, all right.
So two things. One is it's kind of the boy named Sue for nerds, right? Like you name your kid this.
They're going to be a nerd because everyone's going to just be like, what is your fucking name? What's boy named Sue? Well, no, boy named Sue is the exact opposite of what you just said. No, no, I know.
But for the nerd, I'm saying it's boy named Sue for the nerd. I don't even know what boy named Sue is.
Boy named Sue is a Johnny Cash song. You know, the song goes that he was named Sue because the dad left when he was young.

And because his name was Sue, he had to fight all his life because everyone made fun of him.

And then one day he comes up and he sees his dad and they get a fight, a bar fight.

And he's like, you're a tough son of a bitch.

And he's like, I know because I named you Sue.

Because I knew you'd have to fight.

Right.

And it would make you tough. I wouldn't be here.

So if you name your kid XAEA12, then that is going to make your kid not a nerd? No, a nerd. It's keeping the nerd community alive because they won't be able to just be regular.
Right. So it's forcing them into being a nerd.
Yes. So it kind of is the opposite of Sue because Sue forced them into being an alpha.
Right. Right.
It's the boy named Sue for nerd gotcha so xaea a-12 like elon musk will will show up to a uh the sloan conference in 25 years and xae 12 will be like well i actually think that you're wrong here here and here and elon musk would be like i know because i named you xae 12 i gave you everything you needed you're a nerd so what xa e a 12 it's almost like elon musk did the goodwill hunting blackboard just for life just like named his kid that a mathematical equation it looks like and somebody's going to figure it out one day yeah it's going to be like uh elon musk is going to disappear and then like he's going to go on some mission to try and find him back. And then 20 years later, it's going to be like, what's the passcode?

Yeah.

XAE12.

I have a question.

I think it's just Python code for I can't believe my dad had sex with my mom.

I have a question for everyone.

Do you think someone has already named their child COVID?

Yes.

Yes, it's happened.

It's kind of a sick name. It happened in India.
Really? Yeah. What about America? You think anyone's done it? Do you think someone's like, I don't really think this is a big deal and kind of a sick name? Probably.
Yeah, it's probably happened. I would say that somebody's probably already named their kid XAEA13.
Ooh, okay. On a different planet? No, here.
That also- After hearing this name, they're like i'm gonna go one better than elon elon musk definitely named this kid thinking like uh you know when we have the battle of the galaxies this is a name that will actually be able to be registered oh shit i got another hot seat this just came across my radar by the way uh my second point which i lost uh elon musk actually bought, which he's now selling, to make a school for him and his rich friends.

So those teachers are fine.

He literally created a private school.

For himself.

It's a homeschool.

He will brand himself.

At a different place.

It's a homeschool that's staffed by people he hired personally that are teachers.

Correct.

Okay.

My other hot seat which

i didn't have until one second ago is the chilies in plainville massachusetts oh what happened our boy scott zolak just sent out a tweet what he said don't ever go get curbside pickup at chilies in plainville my wife has been sitting in parking lot for one hour and 20 minutes in a backed up order oh that's why i got i was getting tagged go to small go to small places or pizza shops locally. How about Chili's

is still delicious, Scott?

And it's worth the wait? Yeah. How about you can't rush greatness? Yeah.
Did somebody barge in on Michelangelo when he was paying the assisting chapel and was like, hey, can you hurry up? My wife wants to come in here and take a picture. How about if you set something free and it was meant to be, it will come back? Set your Chili's order free, and if it arrives, it was meant to be.

To me, it sounds like Chili's is just doing too well financially.

Like everyone knows that the product is that good.

There's a wait for it.

Chips on deck.

Do you think Chili's has a similar situation like when all this happened?

Like the oil?

Like they had too many chips to offload?

What do we do with the chips?

The chips coming out the door?

Yeah, just went down.

They're like, we keep getting orders of chips, and no one's here to order free chips.

I don't think so because they're too delicious. Yeah, free refills chips.
They probably give free refills if you order Chili's to go. They'll probably give you three orders worth of chips just to offload them.
Yeah, it's like you're getting a Five Guys order, and they just fill up the bag with fries. Yeah, that's what they're doing at Chili's right now.
Now is actually the best time to get Chili's. Yes.
So, Scott, I'm going to have to disagree with you. Respectfully.
Yes. He doesn't even follow us anymore because he's got to always follow 69 people.
He doesn't? What? He doesn't follow me. Yeah, he unfollowed me too.
He did follow me and then he unfollowed me. He cycles.
He cycles because he has to keep that 69 number. Damn.
And my cool throw was the lads. Oh, the lads.
What happened? There was just a TikTok of a British guy singing this song about when we go back to the pub. It's a Savage Garden, truly, madly, deeply, but it's like a British remake.
I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy. I'll be your hope, I'll be your love,

be everything that you need. I love you more with every breath, truly, madly, deeply do.
I will be strong, I will be faithful, because I'm counting on a new beginning, a reason for it, a deeper meaning. I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea. I want a day like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me Don't Look Back in Anger. They always sing that one.
That's the one that goes like, so Sally, can't wait, right? And then they probably sing We Are the Champions.

Well, and I'm Coming Home.

I'm Coming Home.

It's Coming Home.

It's Coming Home.

It was one of those songs where

there's only one Conor McGregor.

No, no, no.

That's Ireland.

It's Coming Home.

Football's Coming Home.

What was that?

How did it go?

It was so electric.

When I get older,

just like a waving flag. It's Coming Home.
I get knocked down. Football's coming home.
But I get up again. He drinks whiskey drink.
All house. He drinks a lot in the room.
In the middle of the street. But this is one of those songs, Savage Garden, Truly, Madly, Deeply, where the song on TikTok with the British people singing it and the lads singing it, it's electric.
The Savage Garden version sucks. Not nearly as good.

It's too electronic.

I was like,

I gotta find this song

and put it on my playlist

and I was just like,

the Savage Garden version is terrible.

They should do a rap remix

and make it 21 Savage.

Here we go.

It'd be fucking fire.

This is an electric song.

Home, it's coming home.

It's coming.

Football's coming home. That's a good one.
Yeah, they just sang that all summer until they lost like they always do in the World Cup. And then they also have...
Football's coming home. It's coming home.
It's coming home. It's coming.
Football's coming home. It's a pretty easy song now that I've heard that.
They sing the the champions Yeah. I feel like they just randomly break into that.
Yeah. Although England teams usually don't do well in the Champions League.
Although they did, I think no, Liverpool won it. And that was talking soccer.
Who cares? Is that it, Hank? Who's your hot seat? My hot seat. I had Hank on my hot seat because I was going to have him just read the equation that was Elon Musk's child.
But I'm pulling an audible. I'm going to say that rivalries are on the hot seat because Texas' athletic director was asked, when will you guys schedule Texas A&M again in football because everyone misses that game.
He replied, we're interested in scheduling games against teams that have won national championships. Whoa! Shots fired! Actually, he could make the argument that the rivalry is back on because he said that they don't have a rivalry with them.
Kind of played himself into a rivalry. That's some big-time language there because if I had to do gun to my head right now, I would definitely say Texas A&M is going to win a national title before Texas.
You think so? Yeah. A natty? Yeah, SEC.
They got the road. They got a tougher schedule.
They got the road. Jimbo? I think neither team is going to win that.
I would say neither, but if I had to go in the next hundred years, I would just pick the team that's playing the SEC. Because even if A&M doesn't win one, they can just put it on the side of their building and say, Hey, we've done this.
My other hot seat is Roger Goodell. Roger Goodell in the NFL is on the hot seat.
There was a report that came out today that said that there were three documented cases of COVID down in Florida back in January that got covered up, that got buried, that didn't get released. And I think it's pretty clear that the NFL didn't want the Super Bowl to get canceled.
You guys aren't ready for that conversation, but I think that Roger Goodell had something to do. Wait, why is he on the hot seat then? He should be on the cool throne for making sure the Super Bowl didn't get canceled.
Yeah, he did a good job on that, but this leaked. This just came out right now.
So somebody's on to him. Got it.
Somebody is on to Roger Goodell. Yeah, I'm going to say good job.
It's the last sporting event ever. It was great.
It was such a fun time. It was great.
My cool throne is attractive girls selling COVID masks and tweet replies. I don't know if you guys have seen this yet.
Oh, yeah. So if you know anything about medical device sales or pharmaceutical sales, you know that they like to hire the most attractive women possible.
Or D1 offensive linemen. That's really your only...
They've lost 40 pounds. Yeah, somebody that won the Heisman as an option quarterback.
Right. And now they just go out and play golf and sell medical devices.
But usually it's an attractive girl because the horniest people in America are middle-aged doctors. Yep.
And so if you can get an attractive girl in the door,

a doctor will buy whatever they want from them.

That's been taken to the internet.

And now we've got attractive girls that are just replying to all sorts of tweets

from verified accounts, non-verified accounts.

I don't know where they're getting their prospect list from,

but they're all over the place just trying to sell these masks.

And it works because i think

twitter reply people are hornier even than doctors yes so yeah i i wanted to i almost bought a mask today absolutely i've seen a bunch of them too just getting spammed with them yeah spammed i might just have to but if you buy one do you get they stop they stop they stop okay that's fair um All right, my hot seat is my face.

My face is on my hot seat because I grossly misjudged the weight I need to be at to shave my beard. Really misjudged.
I don't mean this. I think you look normal.
I don't mean this in an insulting way, Big Cat. I lost on that one.
But the scarf that's around your neck constantly pushing up on your neck into your cheek. Listen.
It doesn't help. The scarf is there because I forget my mask all the time.
And I'm trying to be a good citizen of New York and make sure I have a mask all the time. So until I can be in it, it's like a pair of sunglasses.
Right. Just lose them right away.
Yeah. I'm just saying you might want to take it off occasionally when it's right it's like a turtleneck it just pushes it makes your face like a foreskin gets pushed up over your gels yeah by the way most relatable uh thing ever like first time that my son was really my bro was uh on sunday we bought him some sunglasses and we gave them to him and i think we walked for about 100 yards hundred yards before they were gone.
Lost them already? Lost them. I was like, dude.
Love it. Just party too hard.
Welcome to life. Just fucking lost those sunglasses.
You got to lose those sunglasses. You got to get Shady Rays though.
That's why. Okay.
Yeah, I just misjudged it. I need to be 10 pounds lighter to have a mustache.
You'll get there. I did it and I looked at myself and I was like, you fucked that up that up dude just stop snacking um you know i can't stop snacking uh my cool throne is fear i had the fear thing on monday well fear is fighting back because since monday we've had news stories about a new mutant strain of coronavirus you're getting fear you're getting no no no no it's not okay Okay, whatever.
transformer x-men whatever it is and then there's also the the coronavirus stories are going around that your toes fall off no that's the most terrifying i'm saying no sir i take all listen to the doctors take precautions but do not let the fear porn take you down because i saw those stories back to back. I was like, you got to be shitting me.
Mutant coronavirus? They know exactly what they're doing by putting the word mutant in a headline. It's bullshit.
It is bullshit because what happened was the virus slightly changed. And it always changes.
It's the same virus. Dude, the virus always changes.
Okay? You're not the same guy you were two days ago. Right.
It's growing. Rightaster developing right it's big it's a teenager now yeah study says mutant coronavirus has emerged and is more contagious that is blatantly bullshit let's scare the fuck out it's like saying when when a kid finally doesn't hate brussels sprouts it's a mutant now no more fear so stay strong uh and then also my cool to run is j crew i feel like we're gonna get a good deal off this or no Yeah, probably.
No more fear. So stay strong.
And then also my cool to run is J.Crew. I feel like we're going to get a good deal off this or no? Yeah, probably.
Well, go to Marshall's. Wasn't there something else? Get some sweaters or something? I don't know.
What was that big department store that went out of business a couple weeks ago? Oh, I don't remember. No, Marshall's is on the come up because it's getting all this sweet J.
Cruz shit. Yeah.
And also got, was it Neiman Marcus?

Yeah.

I think Neiman Marcus has given all. So we need to just fucking hook ourselves up with the sickest button downs that every

male white male over the age of 30 owns.

Dude,

I call dibs on the blue picnic table one.

I got dibs on the,

uh,

the green polo shirt,

but also the cardigan that wraps around the waist and the extra pleated khakis. Nice.
Nice. Okay.
Hank, you want any dibs on anything from J.Crew? No, not your style? Maybe like a quarter zip pullover. Oh, I got the vest, too.
Give me the vest. I want the vest.
What about the vest that looks like your squash player? Those are pretty sweet, too. Yeah, I'll take that as well.
I'll take any type of vest. Puffy, skinny, whatever.
Loafers? Give me some loafers. Is it true the bigger the vest, the more money you have in your private equity fund? Absolutely.
I think so. That's what I've been told.
Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly right.
The skinny vests are like day one noobs. Actually, you know what I always think? If a guy doesn't have pockets on his pants, that guy's rich as fuck.
Or Michael scott wearing a european suit women's women's european suit that he thought was european um all right let's get to our interviews we got nick swartzen up first then karan butler before we do nick a word from our very good friends me undies we're all wearing our me undies right now i have so many me undies and i am so comfortable all the time MeUndies. They are the most comfortable underwear in the world and they're stylish.
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We love our MeUndies, so go again, MeUndies.com slash take. All right, here he is, Nick Swartzen.
Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest it is comedian actor nick swartzen he has a new movie out on netflix may 13th the wrong missy uh it's great to finally get you on nick we've been circling this interview for a while now so much so that i went and looked back at our conversations in dm and i just found out a shocking fact that i had forgotten about you you're a fucking duke fan oh yeah oh how does that happen god why what's going on man we hate duke we hate you're from minnesota We hate Duke. You're from Minnesota.
We hate Duke.

You should be a Wisconsin fan.

That's understandable. A Wisconsin fan? What the fuck? He makes a joke.
I went to Wisconsin.

He makes a joke about reciprocity because he thinks it's weird.

But how did you end up a Duke fan growing up in Minnesota?

I've been a Duke fan since like the 80s.

So I was a fan before they ever did anything.

I was a fan back with like... Johnny Dawkins? ...Koen Snyder, Danny Ferry, Robert Bricky, all those guys.
I just watched them. I was like, these guys are fucking dope.
And then I found out my cousin went there and I was like, oh, cool. And then I just started watching them and I just I just became obsessed with Duke basketball.
I've gone to like 10 final fours. I've seen them on it twice.
And yeah i've just been a diehard duke fan did you did you go to what was the year you last saw him win it i the last year i saw them when it was 2010 okay so you weren't at 2015 that never happened uh do you i like that you're like well my brother went to fucking madison okay so yeah that was fucked up you could duke too much. But I don't want to make this a Duke podcast.
I do like, though, that you are basically like the guy who bought Microsoft at $2. And you're like, I like Duke in the 80s, dude.
I got all the Duke stuff. I always have to say that because people jump on like Duke's a piece of shit immediately.
It's basically when you wear a Duke t-shirt anywhere,

it's like, yeah, you immediately get hated on.

But, I mean, whatever.

Fuck.

Coach K is a lot of fact.

He's phenomenal.

He fakes injuries whenever the chips, you know,

when things get tough.

He's the first person to ever be dramatic about an injury.

I mean, to be fair, they did go to three Final Fours in the 80s.

They weren't exactly chopped liver. Yeah, but they didn't win until 91.
Yeah, it's true. All right, let's find common ground.
The Packers, you want to do that? How much we hate the Packers? Yay! How great was their draft? Oh, unbelievable. Pretty solid, pretty solid.
Everyone's like, are you excited about the Minnesota draft? I was like yeah i mean i saw those picks those picks coming but i just the packer draft i was like oh yes but is there part small part of you uh who like thinking like fuck jordan love will probably be a hall of famer just because that's how it always works out for them. Yeah, I mean, obviously you never know how it's going to play out.
I just like that they're in, you know, it's just discombobulated for a minute. So that just the drama over there makes me brings me joy.
Yes. Where do we stand on on Kirk Cousins? I mean, you know, I like Kurt.
He's a good quarterback. yeah that was the most vikings i have friends who are vikings fans and your response there is every single vikings fan's response a deep sigh and then uh you know he's a good guy that's that's all you can say about him and i rooted for him for i think three years when he was in dc and that's the best compliment it's It's like he seems like a guy that you would trust to park your car.
You do the thing where you have to, like, actually talk yourself into him repeatedly when asked. Well, I mean, what are you going to do? I'm not going to be one of those people that's like, I don't know, yeah, fuck him.
It's like he's under contract. He's playing for us.
He's not a bad quarterback. I mean, our whole line, you know, the thing about him is just he's not mobile.

I mean, it's almost comical when shit hits a fan where he's just like, okay, bye.

Yeah, he turtles.

Have you noticed that his head definitely got bigger when he became a Viking

and he had to wear that purple helmet?

Like, it looks bigger now.

Yeah, we enlarged the helmets. What about – would you rather have kirk cousins or sam bradford uh kirk cousins would you rather have kirk cousins or stefan dicks i mean they're different positions but there's a real problem that happened i mean i would i would probably rather have cousins this is great i love this this is i mean you're doing what i've done with every shitty bears quarterback where i'm just like dude who else are you gonna pay i mean the bears they're another i'm on a text thread with a lot of my because a lot of comedians come out of chicago i mean a fucking billion so i'm on a text thread with a lot of those guys and it's literally 10 bears fans and then me and i just watch the scroll of fucking meltdowns yep and i just as a bystander i just sit there and i'll chime in a couple times they're

like fuck you but uh it you know it does it does all kind of gravitate towards hating the packers yeah i mean that's one great thing about the nfc north is like you can always go okay well fuck those guys yeah yeah so i have a question about your vikings like game day ritual are you do you get drunk for every game?

Because the way you tweet,

you tweet like a madman,

like a true fan. I love that about your Twitter, but I always imagine you're just blackout drunk when you're tweeting in all caps, yelling at everyone.
Yeah, I mean, it depends. There was one season I went hard in the paint on Twitter where I completely lost my mind.
I mean, alcohol was for sure involved. I mean, that's another Midwest thing too is like it is just such a shitstorm of alcohol that – I mean, there's games, full games I've been to, no recollection of being there.
I mean, the pregame rituals, the tailgating, then into the bar, then into the stadium, and then throughout the game. I mean, it's just like, and win or lose, there's no like, I say like a lot of time, there's no saving grace.
If you win, it's the best. And if you lose, you're like, bye, world.
Am I going to drink because I'm happy or am I going to drink because I'm sad? That's what you have to do with that. It's always insanity.
Are you guys big tailgate? I used to tailgate. Yeah, I used to tailgate before games, but then it became an issue where it's like, okay, when you tailgate, you usually miss the first quarter at least.
You get in at the start of the second, and then it's a pain in the ass to get in, pain in the ass to get out. I just stopped going to games because it's so much better at home watching on TV.
I mean, at the end of the day, it is, you know, in terms of just watching a game, I mean, you get so much more when it's live. You don't really know what's going on.
Yeah. Like, sometimes you're just like, what? You know, there's no replay, and everyone's just set up.
Did you see it? Who saw it? And you're like, I don't know. You're in the bathroom.
I'm like, yeah, I know. Did anyone? Yes.
Completely just a shell of a human. The perfect, I actually think the tailgate is better than going to the game.

A perfect Sunday would be the tailgate, then go watch all the games. Because there's something about a tailgate when you have that vibe where everyone's excited for what could possibly happen.

And everyone's in a great mood.

And you've got that cold, have I pissed myself?

Everyone's passing around booze and food. There's nothing like a tailgate vibe before a big game.
Yeah, and there's also should I piss myself? Yes, yes, yes. It's also like, hey, man, should I just flip the switch here and maybe warm up for about 10 seconds? Yeah, and then instantly regret it for the rest of the afternoon.
You're like, but it felt really good. I heard a story about, I believe it was, I don't know if I'm misquoting it, but it was bears fans that went to a Packer game and it was freezing out.
And their goal was to piss and shit themselves so much in the stands that they were completely disgusting to be around and that was their goal they just chugged beer and as much as they could and completely defecated and soiled themselves to such a repulsive way so they're like win or lose we're going to ruin this experience for everyone around us i respect that and i just thought that was really really admirable you know what i used to do i used to go tailgate i get drunk in the parking lot and then i just didn't have enough money to buy a ticket for the game so i'd stay in the parking lot and watch the game on a tv like in the back of a car or like you out of the back of a truck or something like that. And you could hear the in-game noise from the stadium on the outside.
That was pretty cool. Yeah, that's cool.
Yeah. I remember I did a show in Indiana once and my buddy that I was with was like, hey, let's go to Notre Dame football game.
And I'm like, okay, I'd never been before. It was pretty badass.
And we went and people think tailgating. I mean, I was always like, oh, it's like a, you know, a college thing, dude, the Notre Dame tailgate were people in their eighties, these old Notre Dame fans.
And they were ripping Jameson at fucking eight in the morning. Like it was i was i was in my 20s at the time and i was like oh my lord yes this is this is the goal the tailgate at notre dame is uh unlike any other just because it is the oldest tailgate but it still goes pretty hard and you have like a bunch of old dudes with their class rings and cigars just having a great time so yeah you're absolutely right on that i had a let's let's do a little comedy talk um i i'm i'm oh you don't want to all right fine let's just talk sports no no no it's fine tell me a joke all right man remember the night i saw a video nick uh remember the 99 vikings the 99 yeah playoffs 99 after 98 yeah i saw a video about that team that team was good man they should have won it well yeah that was horrible the 98 season was a fucking disaster the 15 and 1 team yeah that was probably the worst yeah the worst thing ever then we lost at home yeah to atlanta yeah gary anderson hadn't missed a kick all year yeah and worton anderson he nailed it yeah that's probably i can't imagine that's not the worst moment i mean in minnesota history no um that was a nightmare it was one of those things where it was almost too good where it just didn't even it was cartoonish how we were beating people and it was that that just set the precedent uh precedent of just heartbreak and vomit awful feelings for a long time but you guys had randy moss and chris's pretty cool.
That's pretty – yeah, that's crazy that you lost that game. Yeah.
Really good offensively. What about Blair Walsh? Where's the comedy part of this setup that you were talking about? Well, you wanted to talk sports.
You didn't seem like you wanted to joke around with us. I fucking just made a face.
Okay. All right.
I made a face and you read into the face. Okay.
First, wait, wait, wait. I will, I will say, um, Blair Walsh, God bless Blair Walsh.
He's a sweet, sweet dude. And I definitely lost my mind about that.
And it was kind of understandable, but you know, I, I, that's when I digress from kind of, you know, going after players and being so mad, but you know, when you're missing extra points on the regular, it just got to be like, okay, let's just like, just cut the guy. Like, this is insane.
But I do, you know, I, I, I digress from shitting on athletes cause I know it's hard as fuck and you know, I'm hammered at a bar and so fuck me. Have you, uh, have you ever broken a tv over the vikings no i have not broken a television set but i have come pretty close there's times where i should not have been in public okay yeah i would get obliterated if i couldn't go to a game if i was stuck in la i would go out and a lot of the times i was just like I just shouldn't be out right like that's just I've cried in public uh-huh I've cried at bars that's the most manly thing you can do is cry in public over a football game yeah I've done that a couple times I wept openly when Blair Walsh missed the 27-yard field goal against Seattle and we didn't go to the playoffs and um I walked out of the bar and started crying.
Yeah, you were so drunk that was the playoffs. Yeah.
Yeah, Bug Grant walked out on the field before the game. It was like negative 10 degrees.
I think every game is a playoff game. That's how much I think.
Every game is a playoff game. All right, so that's some comedy right there.
You cried over football. I like that.
So I want to go back to your youth real quick because there stuff on wikipedia about it that you've probably been asked about a million times but it says that you got expelled four times in school that doesn't really seem like an expulsion if they do it for if they let you back three times and keep kicking you yeah you just got suspended a lot it shouldn't be there was talk of talk of expulsion. It was kind of like, okay, this is getting ridiculous.
And I'm like, I know, right? This is ridiculous. I'll just, I won't do that again.
And then it would be a different thing. And they're like, what is going on? I'm like, it's weird, right? I don't even know.
Let's just, you know, and somehow I talked my way out of it. But it all just was centered around drugs.
Like the main one where it was really bad was I smoked a blunt in school, during school. Inside school? I was arrested and had to go to court, ordered rehab.
You went to rehab for pot yeah i had to go to a uh a fucking rehab thing and uh i had to take classes and it was super dumb but yeah i mean i lit up a blunt in school it was fucking insane i me and my buddy skip class went to the auditorium and we're like oh we'll just smoke this blunt and that's you know i i went to high school in the 90s that's when like cypress hill came out and everything so we were just ripped a blunt and then it just carried out through the auditorium and into school and then the cops kicked in the doors and handcuffed us and we were walked through lunch period and just reeking like weed so it was pretty awesome yeah it's pretty fucking cool but then you have to

go to rehab and you're probably in rehab with people who are there for serious drug issues

and you're like i smoked weed yeah i was like i smoked a blunt and other people were like i poured

drano into my dick i'm like all right well can i leave now um i'm always curious this because you

started comedy at such a young age 18 17 17 i started improv when i was 17 and then stand up when i was 19 what was the moment where you're like i'm actually good at this like this is going to be my career it was probably well when i went to rehab i had to clean up and my grades were such garbage and And so I was like, okay, I need an easy A. So I was like, oh, I'll take theater.
I'm like, that's an easy A. So I took theater and then the teacher was like, you're really good.
And then we did our school play and I played a comedic role. And the crowd was just laughing and usually they would boo.
They would boo everything. It was so hard to keep their attention.
So that I just remember that moment, that kind of power of an entire auditorium of high school kids and they were losing their minds laughing. And I was like, Oh shit.
And so what that did was it basically replaced all the drugs that I was doing. So I was like, Oh, and I just got that high from that.
And then I became addicted to that essentially. So then I started doing improv and then after high school, my grades were still shit.
So I was like, Oh, I'll try standup. And so I tried standup and that was, it was insane.
And I became fully addicted, fully addicted to it. And I just threw my entire life into it.
I slept in my car. I drove drove across the country did any gigs i could i i just was so focused and dialed in and it just took over my life i also read somewhere where you uh were not discouraged but the people you're doing stand-up around in the 90s were like it's it's uh the stand-up boom's over there's no money in this and i feel like that's kind of similar to right now where people are trying to make uh whether it be podcasts or whatever it may be their own content what like what was the thing that kept you going when everyone's telling you dude this is not a livelihood like you can't do this anymore i mean it was really the love of doing it i mean the the comics that came up around that time just really loved doing it.
You know, it was that's what the driving force was. I mean, I didn't have this grandiose.
I mean, I was hoping it would lead to something. And, you know, obviously being an actor and doing bigger things.
But it was it's so hard to explain stand up. I don't know.
I don't have a podcast. I don't have any of that type of stuff, but you know, anything that you really believe in or passionate about, if you, if you do that and success comes, that's great.
But I mean, if, if you're fulfilled doing what you love, you can't really put a price on it. So you were really good at standup and it was pretty clear that you were good at it.
You enjoyed it. You were talented.
And then you try to make the transition into acting, being a stage actor. Luckily I had acted before that.
So I'd already done theater and already done all the, all these plays and done all this stuff. So, and then I did improv and then I did standup.
So standup was the last thing that I had done. And me and my buddy who one of my best friends in high school his name is Colton Dunn and he's on the show Superstore on NBC so he blew up too and then we used to make videos all the time in high school and we would make sketches and do all the shit so I had already had so much of development of skill set once I had gotten into standup.
So the transition into

acting and stuff wasn't that difficult for me. You had like a baseline there already.
I get it. When you're, when you were writing your standup material, when you're performing it, what was it that got you addicted? Was it hearing the laughs in the audience or was it like a moment that you would write something and it would make yourself laugh and you'd be like, okay, this is funny.
I like this.

It was kind of both.

I mean, when you have a great set in standup, it's, there's just nothing like it. And especially when you're not known and you know, you don't have a fan base and you just make fucking 300 random people laugh.
You know, it's just, it's, it's just a feeling that's insane. It's it's there's nothing like it and then once you get older and start doing more stuff you appreciate you know i've developed a million tv shows i've developed films i've shot you know xyz all that stuff but to be able to write a joke go on stage that night and get an immediate reaction is ridiculous you know there's no producer there's nobody telling you what to do there's nobody saying oh that's not funny there's no it's just the most pure organic thing ever and it's something that you know comics we always have that outlet you know i mean that's why when people go like oh that's stand up you know i saw a movie it was anyer oh you know they're not a good actor it's like well yeah well fuck you you know like it's it's a different skill set i mean to be able to make somebody laugh on stage is so unique and priceless you know i'm always curious when it comes to creative people when you have something that is hilarious and objectively hilarious but maybe doesn't get critical acclaim does that ever discourage you at all like obviously grandma's boy is a hilarious movie it wasn't a blockbuster movie reno 901 is in my mind one of the funniest shows ever that didn't get like the just deserve of being like holy shit this show is insanely funny does it ever discourage you when it's not the crossover like transcendent everyone loves it oh you mean like the movie bucky larson that i did that got zero percent on rotten tomatoes i didn't say that i didn't say that i was gonna say pixels but we could go with bucky larson you've done such funny stuff but sometimes it's not like, I don't know.
It's a weird. Yeah, no, I know.
I 100% know what you're saying. Yeah, I mean, it's discouraging, but at the end of the day, you go, you know, you did your best.
And it's not, I mean, the thing that's hard is when you do something and it doesn't get the critical acclaim or box office success that allows you to keep doing stuff. So people will be like, hey, we love Grandma's Boy.
How come you didn't do any more movies like that? And it's like, well, nobody saw it. So it doesn't allow you to keep going.
So, you know, that's the only tricky part. I mean, the final product is the final product.
Whatever happens, happens. When we were making Grandma's Boy, I remember very distinctly, this movie is going to bomb.
This is not going to make any money. I just knew it.
But I knew it was hilarious. So I remember when it came out, I was like, oh, okay.
And they were like, yeah, it tanks. And I'm like, yeah, no shit.
How do you market a movie like that? And I was like, when this hits DVD, this is is gonna fucking explode because everybody will find it and that's essentially what happened i think they said they gave me some number back in the day of what it made on dvd sales and it was like fucking like avatar it was like it's ridiculous and the guy one of the heads of blockbuster said it was one of their most stolen movies they've ever had wow that makes sense and i didn't want that to come across as like i was i'm a huge fan and those shows and that grandma's oh no no i knew exactly what you were saying yeah i knew exactly what you were saying yeah and reno 911 like i didn't take any anything to that reno 911 should be re-watched like i'm not gonna say the office but pretty close like it should be re-watched like that it was that funny yeah reno was fucking amazing they have a new season of reno out too i'm not on it say The Office, but pretty close. Like, it should be rewatched like that.
It was that funny. Yeah, Reno was fucking amazing.
They have a new season of Reno out, too. I'm not on it, though, but they have a new season on Quibi, I think.
Yeah, it's Quibi. So I read that you got a call when you were out in L.A.
from Adam Sandler. I don't know if it was from directly, you know, from the Sandman himself or it was from his people.
But when you got a call and was like, hey, he wants to talk to you meet up talk about some projects you can work on were you nervous going into that meeting or were you like had you heard already that adam sandler is the nicest person on planet earth i had never heard anything bad about him it was one of those things my manager called me and it was pretty surreal to the point where i didn't even think it was real i couldn't put my brain around it you know what I mean so they were like yeah he wants to sit down and shoot the shit he had seen my first comedy special on Comedy Central so I just went in and just shot the shit with him you know I mean I was obviously a fan one of the clubs I started at New York was one of his home clubs. So we had common ground just from that area.

But yeah, it was just, I just talked to him like a regular dude, you know,

and he's just such a normal guy.

So that's why we've always hit it off is because at the end of the day,

we're not assholes, you know?

So it was like just guys talking chop.

And then he was like, we have this script grandma's boy.

Cause he knew I was a writer. I had written the movie Malibu's most wanted was the first screenplay i had done and he was like will you look at this script and make it rated r and crazy because it was a broad pg-13 romantic comedy that's what grandma's boy was and he goes make it fucking insane write yourself in the movie whatever part you want and just make it insane and i was like all right and then i sat down with alan covert and went over a draft and he was like yeah fuck yeah it was great did you write the uh the scene where the guy accidentally nuts on the lady that walks in the bathroom i can't remember if i wrote that because i feel like that's a really easy way if somebody is like hey i've got this script can we punch it up we just need to push it over the edge into making it r it's like uh yeah you're gonna nut accidentally on your best friend's mom i can't remember if that was mine or not but i did bring in um like all the robot guy and the monkey and the lion and the race car bed and i mean almost all the dialogue i mean the robot guy was the trickiest i conceived that whole character and people are like what is this i'm like he's like thinks he's a robot so he goes into like like a split personality and they're like what the fuck so i was the only one that knew how to do it so when we were auditioning actors you know we would see who would see who would understand what it was.
And then I would have to, you know, kind of coach him and be like, no, it talks like this. And then goes back to talking normal.
Well, what's crazy is I feel like Elon Musk is not far away from that character right now. Like you wrote Elon Musk into existence.
Yep. I created him.
You created him. Foundation of Tesla uh everyone's got to check out the wrong missy may 13th out on netflix we have one last question i think yeah uh well you probably heard about it already because you are good friends with with the sandman um i don't know if you noticed but we call him the sandman because we're good friends with him already as well.
What's your schedule look like? Are you open to being pitched a movie?

Yeah.

Okay, so there's a dog.

You had no choice.

You had no choice.

Yeah, you have no choice.

I'll frame it to you this way.

You know how King Leary got written by Shakespeare during the plague?

He's leaving.

Come back, come back, come back, come back.

Adam Sandler, David Spade, Zac Efron, they're all in it.

Elevator pitch.

Swear to God, we've interviewed all of them. Lawrence Taylor, Dan Patrick.
They're all in it. They're signed on, loosely attached.
Yeah. Topher Grace, loosely attached.
It's about a dog, a sled dog, that has a boner, and he gets lost in the woods. And he uses, it's called Boner Dogs.
That's the name of the movie. He uses the trail from his boner to get back, like a Hansel and Gretel meets Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer type situation.
He's got this boner and the irony is he can't fuck. He's neutered.
But he has a boner so everyone makes fun of him. Oh, you look at your little red lipstick going around everywhere.
But it's actually the boner. Because he's neutered.
They cut his balls off. Also he's asexual.
But he has a boner though. Can he put his boner in? He just can't nut? We couldn't figure out a way to get the dogs to give consent to each other either.

What's crazy is he's a really good wrestler, and he loves wrestling,

but nobody will wrestle with him because, obviously,

he's got this boner all the time.

So they don't play with him, and it's really sad.

But then it turns out that he saves the entire, what do you call it,

a pack of dogs.

He saves the entire pack of dogs because of the boner that drags through the snow we actually will ferrell adam sandler leaves a trail of dragging through the snow yeah it's hansel and gretel meets rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is there a scene where his boner gets frostbite and they might have to cut it off sure yeah there can be room right there punched it up now it's an r and then david spade has to warm it up with his mouth and save it yes he gives mouth to mouth to the boner we've actually given away a lot of parts including adam sandler to be the producer we i don't think the fuck am i i think i don't think we've given away the part the the voice of the boner we have not you could be you would be a great voice the boner also have you ever been adam's boss on a project not no not technically would you like to be adam's boss fund it you can be his boss you can be executive producer he's just fucking funded yeah you gotta fund it but you get to be his boss we would have to play some real shenanigans to trick him into doing that oh no we've already talked to him we literally have talked We literally have talked to him. He's in.
Him and KG are both in.

He said that if Uncut Gems doesn't win an Oscar

or doesn't get nominated,

he's going to make the worst movie ever.

Well, we came along and we're like,

hey, dude, we got it.

Boner Dogs.

Yeah.

Opportunity meets preparation.

Perfect moment in time together.

Also, it's going to be an animated short,

and we're doing all the voiceovers on the island that they made fire fest on so you get to go to the bahamas yeah that is a little side treat you just dropped in right at the end so is this a yes that we can put your name on the poster yes okay done done i think that's actually the first yes no zach efron that have told us that they're in for us to use their name. And the irony is we forgot to put Zac Efron's name on the poster when we made the initial poster.
We've basically just been pitching this movie for the last three years trying to get people to verbally commit so then we can attach them to it to go up the ladder. I see.
I see how this plays out. Who's next on your list? Well, I was about to ask you.
So this great business opportunity we have for you is if you can now find two more people to be in it, then you get a cut of their salary too. Correct.
And then if they find two more people. Your two most famous friends, get them attached, and then we will give you producing credit.
Okay. I'm intrigued.
All right, perfect. You're done.
You're in. Oh, also I'm going to just, I don't know why I'm going to plug Bucky Larson.
Cause I got a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. So that was a project that is a glaring example of a project that I love.
I think it's fucking amazing. And it got the worst reviews ever.
And people are like, that movie sucks. I'm like, do you see it?

And they're like, no.

And I'm like, well, you can't just say that.

So I stand by that movie.

So while you're in quarantine, it's a hard R.

It might even, it's like hard.

The hardest R, it's pretty hard.

Sounds like a hard R.

All right.

Yeah, go watch Bucky.

I tell you what, go watch Bucky Larson.

Review it on Rotten Tomatoes.

And let's see if we can get it up to 1 percent yeah that would be nice thank you yes perfect and now let's

hope we have a fucking football season it'll happen yes yes uh nick thank you so much we

really appreciate it everyone go watch the wrong missy on netflix thanks man yeah cheers guys good

to talk to you thank you man that interview with nick swartzen was brought to you by dude wipes

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And now, Karan Butler. Now for something completely different.
Since we are living in these weird times, I thought the best place to start is, I'm curious from your perspective, if you were still playing in the league right now and Adam Silver called you up and said, hey, we're going to go live in a bubble or live in a hotel and play the rest of the season, would you do it? Would you leave your family? Yeah. I mean, when you look at the observation of that, you can take two perspectives from it or even multiple perspectives.
But the way that I look at it is that they're going to go through all the due diligence to make sure that everyone is safe. So to be in a bubble, but to be doing something that you love.
I know everybody's antsy to get back to some sense of normal. So, you know, I would be open to it.

And then you also got to look at the financial situation.

One, if it's safe and it's a healthy environment, that's great.

Two, being able to forfeit that time away from your family after we're coming off 50 days and counting being with them

in a controlled environment.

I mean, I think it's like the yin and the yang. Like it's a give take situation and it's something that you have to be open to.
Yeah. So your podcast is called Tough Juice.
It's your nickname. It's a great nickname.
That nickname kicks ass. Tough Juice is, I mean, it's unique.
It kind of lets people know, hey, this is not a guy to be fucked with. How did you get the nickname Tough Juice? So crazy, bro, because in the course of my career, I always played through injuries and, you know, whatever lingering shit that was happening or going on.
And I remember one time I think that I was supposed to be out for three to five weeks or whatever with an injury, and I show up to shoot around, and I'm walking through, and Coach Eddie Jordan with the Washington Wizards at the time, he was like, you playing? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm playing. He was like, damn, I thought you was out.
I was like, no, he was like, man, you want a tough motherfucker. And that's the name that's kind of stuck from there.
He was like, I'm going to call you Tough Juice. So Coach Eddie Jordan gave me the name and I knew it was real when I'm playing in the game versus the Boston Celtics, the big three, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett.
And he was like, damn, tough juice. I filed KG and he was like, damn, tough juice.
And it just kind of stuck. I was like, damn, it's a household name.
So let's stick with it. I like it.
Yeah. Those Wizards teams, they were, there were a couple of years there where they were actually sneaky good, like a really fun team.
And you guys had some battles against the Cavaliers early on in LeBron's career in the playoffs there. I actually think that if you and Gilbert were both healthy in 2007, that could have been the year that you took him out of the playoffs.
But going up against him when he was, I guess, was he a rookie or I guess his second year? Was there something about him in the playoffs when you were going up against him? And you were like, this guy is going to truly be great. He's going to fulfill everything that people have written about him.
You know what, bro? That's a great question. People always say, did you know or whatever the case may be? I'm like, yo, all I knew is that whatever it is, he had it.
And we like to use the term as professional athletes, you know, because if you make it to that level of being a professional athlete, everybody's like, oh, man, you're special. But we were all special, but he was different and he was part of that different cloth.
And LeBron was just I remember the first time I was like, maybe maybe the moment is too big for him. Maybe he'll shit his pants or something.
That was not the case. He just answered every call.
So, you know, our schemes varied every year. The first year that we played against them was like, fuck it, make him a passer.
We found out that he can really pass. Then the second year, it was like, all right, make him score.
We found out he can really score. And it was like, all right, make him do all the other things, like force him to his left hand force him he did that well too so we found out that he was a complete basketball player and I think a lot of people in the association uh he put a lot of people on notice because he's a hell of a talent so speaking of those Wizards team you were uh front row for the famous Kilbert Arenas gun incident would you say that was the overreaction of the century? How would you classify that? Initially, I spoke on the gun incident, and it was a misfortunate situation for one, Javaris, and then also Gilbert as know, when I found out how impactful it was on my brother Gilbert and what it did to him, you know, from his career standpoint, I told him, you know, me personally, I wasn't going to speak on the shit no more.
I was like, man, you know, it's your story to tell, you know, and I don't feel comfortable if you're not comfortable with somebody else, you know, steering your narrative or putting that out there. So, you know, I agreed upon just, you know, leaving it alone, let him tell the story the way he sees fit, him and Javaris, and, you know, let them tell their truth one day, you know, but it was, it was this, it was super unfortunate.
I think that whenever people have shit happen in their life, I'm here talking to you because I got a second chance, right? Yeah. I'm hosting shows and I'm doing some magnificent things in my life because somebody said, you know what? The shit that he did before, you know, he paid his debt to society.
Let's give him a fresh start. And I hope that at some point, you know, we remember Gilbert as, you know know the great talent which he was because when you talk about basketball and prolific scoring you cannot tell the story of basketball without mentioning agent zero so i hope that that get glorified a little more than one of his mishaps that's a that's a great point it's a great lesson learned so i'll give you an easier question uh something a little different uh when was the last time you had some Mountain dew i don't fuck with that no more bro like you're an addict you're a full-blown addict man i was a full-blown addict man with the mountain dudes bro like i went through like withdrawals with that shit like seriously people don't understand like i used to have a leader like just in my locker like cold as hell bro yo that was the rookie hazing like I used to have a leader, like, just in my locker.
Like, cold as hell, bucket of ice. Yo, that was the rookie hazing.
Like, I used to send the rookies out, like, yo, give me 20 straws, handful of straws, and a Mountain Dew. They'd be like, a Mountain Dew? I'm like, yes.
Well, give me a fucking Mountain Dew and watch me score 20. On a belly full of Mountain Dew.
Did you ever fuck with, like, Code Red code red or live wire was it always just straight up mountain dew straight up mountain dew like that look shout out to code red and all the other shit the regular mountain dew did it for me i don't know why i wasn't like a mascot for them or some shit because bro i was i was a mountain dew addict and i had some of my best seasons drinking that shit. They should have made a flavor called Mountain Dew tough juice.
Yeah. Would you drink a full liter before you played a game? Bro, so sometimes I would drink like half a liter, or if I had a two liter, I'd drink it halfway, right? And then I'll have like the ball boys, an equipment guy, bring the Mountain Dew and Gatorade cups because it looks like Gatorade.
So I would have them have cups in a straw in back of the bench, third quarter comes, bam, Mountain Dew, no cramps. Then fourth quarter comes, bam, Mountain Dew, get buckets.
I hit game winners because of that shit, man. So you need to actually be graded.
Your entire career needs to be graded on a curve. Like, let's add a couple more all-star games and another title.
Because you were fucking drinking caffeinated bubbles while you're playing a game. Like, I can't.
I mean, I drank Mountain Dew before we did a three-point contest, and I only got 100 points. So, like, it definitely has an effect on you.
You mentioned something interesting right there. You were talking about, like, go out and get me some Mountain Dew, also bring me 20 straws.
You had a straw addiction for a long time. You used to just – you used to go through, what, 20 straws a game? Easy.
I used to get fined for that shit. Like, the NBA started fining me for chewing straws.
It's like it's part of one of the weirdest bands in sports history. I cannot have a straw in my mouth.
And the reason why I start chewing straws is because, you know, my pops, my grandfather, he used to fix cars. He used to always have a toothpick in his mouth.
I used to see him with a toothpick in his mouth fixing the cars, and I was like, damn, okay, I can't play with a toothpick, but a straw I can hide, you know? So I chewed it a little bit, and then I started playing with something in my mouth all the time, and I was just bawling. And it was like it helped me with my nerves.
I have no anxiety on the court. And, you know, I had some of my best games, and it just kind of became, you know, as all sports athletes know this or even entertainers or anybody walking life, you get a routine and you stick to ritual and i had a routine where i wear my straw where my shot of mountain dew wear this and then i went out and i put in work straws are delicious straws are delicious is there a difference like if you were to power rank straws do mcdonald's straw slap different than a burger king straw or windy straw yeah man the mcdonald's straws was different like i felt like like the 7-Elevens or the Big Gulps and, you know, Burger King straw or a Wendy straw? Yeah, man.
The McDonald's straws was different. I felt like the 7-Elevens or the Big Gulps and Burger King straws and all that stuff, the texture was different.
They had a flavor, like some of the texture, like you can taste it. I was like, damn.
It almost feels like it's toxic, like you're killing yourself if you're chewing on them too long. Because the flavor in it, my taste palate is different.
I have a fire and taste for wine. Yeah, just sommelier for straws.
Just the same way, bro. I'm telling you, this chick almost killed me.
So you're off straws and off Mountain Dew? I still chew straws here and there. Okay.
All right. Yeah, man's got to have a vice.
Yeah, man. No doubt.
I agree with that because the Wendy's straws, they're too big. They're too wide.
And the McDonald's straws just look cool. They look swaggy.
They've got that red stripe and the yellow line on it. Yes.
Yes. Yeah, that's a champagne of straws.
Yeah. This might be a random question because you probably don't get asked a lot, but it's my favorite clip that I use all the time.
It's the famous Jim Calhoun, I fucked up rant. When he said that, were you like, I fucking love this guy for life? I mean, you probably loved him anyway beforehand, but I fucking love that clip so much.
See, I fucked up. I took Karan Butler and Emeka Okafor.
They're not bad. Yo, I said, after I saw that clip, I said, man, he's such a G.
Like G like Jim Calhoun just a G man he like he kept straight up and down like this funky with it like he was like look like y'all gonna fault me for taking Karan Butler who's a fucking lottery pick and a Mac Okafor like over a player that just had like a good and Ryan Goins was a former teammate of mine. But, like, come on, man.

Like, the comparisons was just different.

And, you know, he was a hell of a player.

But, come on, man, you can't fault him for the selections that he made.

Like, they walked away with championships because of that.

And, you know, Elite Eights and Big East titles.

And, you know, we had lucrative careers and stuff like that.

So, shout out to Jim Calhoun for standing his ground

and checking whatever hell the reporter was that asked him that question

in that moment.

I love that. I love that rant so much.
What was it like, the recruiting process, when Jim Calhoun came and visited you and said, I want you to come to UConn? Yeah, it was crazy because I was not coming to Connecticut. I already committed to UNLP.
You know, my prep school coach, Max Good and Bill Baino had joined forces there. And before my prep year at MCI, my prep school coach had left.
So immediately people thought because he was my coach, I was following, which I was. And I signed, I was about to sign a letter of 10.
I verbally committed. And Jim Calhoun came.
I came i gotta tell you no one ever asked me this jim calhoun came to the block he came to the hood like he came out to racine where like i got into a lot of shit at and he sat down and talked to my family and i'm gonna tell you the decision wasn't even mine no more like my grandma my mom my mom's just like, your ass going with him. Like he, I like him.
Like he's what you need and that's where you going. And I bought into it because before all this social media stuff, ESPN plus stores, Connecticut, Bristol, that was the hub for basketball.
So whatever you did on the campus of UConn, that shit was being seen on a national level. So I saw Richard Hamilton.
I saw Donnie Marshall, Ray Allen. I was like, yo, I need to be part of that fabric and that culture.
Yeah. Also, keeping you out of Las Vegas, your grandma was probably like, yeah, I would rather have you go live in Connecticut than live down on the street.
He's too young for all that shit. We're not going to throw him in the fire.
Yes. Exactly.
Yeah, so you go to UConn. I've always wondered about

playing in the Big East tournament because

at times, I know this

seems like a wild take, but

the NCAA tournament can feel

almost anticlimactic

if you're a huge Big East

fan and you watch a great Big East

tournament. Was it tough to get

back up and to get your energy

going after playing all those games

in Madison Square Garden and then turning around and having to play again in a bigger tournament later? It's so crazy. That's a great question.
No one ever asked that. Thank you.
Thank you. I'm going to tell you what.
It's like, and people out here know what I'm talking about. If your kid's playing like these club teams or the traveling circuit, like AAU basketball is just that.
You may go to a city respectfully for a weekend, right? You may arrive there on a Friday. You got a late night game, pool play, and then you're playing back to back to back to back to back.
Every hour and a half to two hours, you're playing basketball games. So that's equivalent to three or four games a day.
So we got accustomed to being accustomed. So like the Big East was like just, you know, shit, we was creatures of habit.
We got accustomed to that flow, and it didn't bother us. And then when you're trying to compete for a title, I mean, whether your body hurt or whatever the case may be, all you see is what your goal is and what your eyes are set on and we was on a mission and we try to stay true to that mission in the midst of that uh all that you know battling in the big east uh all right i know you got to go because you got something you got to host but i have one last question for you uh what happened with the hair on tv you did you just didn't learn your lesson from carlos boozer and you showed up one day to TV with fake hair.
No, Booze, that's my guy, but he painted his shit. Yeah, I know.
Well, you, you, I don't know what you put, you astroturfed yours. No, so they was doing in studios, I don't know, a lot of people understand like Turner Studio was like a huge family and they had a hub of you know Grant Hill, Shaquille O'Neal all these guys and Grant Hill was doing a video a commercial rather with I think Fila and he was playing against his former his younger self so they put the box on the old duke box the high top and I saw that I was.
And I saw that. I was like, yo, that shit is ill.
I was like, yo, can I, can somebody do that to me? They were like, yeah, you know, we put the piece on it, boom. And I was like, I'm wearing that shit on television.
You are not wearing that on television. I was like, watch.
And prior, just the day before, I had a complete ball head. This is why it was so crazy.
So I called my wife. I said, turn on television.
I said, watch me on NBA television. I'm about to go live.
She turns on, and lo and behold, I had a head full of hair. And that shit just went viral quick.
People was like, yo, what is going on? Now, this is my real hair right here. This is so people know I can grow my shit.
Yeah just can't grow it like a chia pet i can't grow it in one day it was a hilarious picture that

actually makes sense that explanation makes perfect sense did she like it or was she like

what the fuck is on your head combination of both what the fuck but it kind of look okay yeah

you look like a younger you okay i'm vibing but like i did it i did it just for that just to get

a reaction to see what people really watch it i was like damn like a lot of people was a younger you. Okay, I'm vibing.
But, like, I did it. I did it just for that, just to get a reaction, to see was people really watching.
I was like, damn, like, a lot of people was watching the show. And if they wasn't, they start watching because this food just popped up with some damn hair.
Yeah, yeah. All right, I know you got to go.
Do you have to go? I think you do. Yeah, I do.
I do. Okay, all right.
Well, this has been so awesome. Thank you so much, Karan.
We really appreciate the time, man. And let's do this again.
Yeah, most definitely, bro. We got to do this again, man.
I got to give you all some more time. I'm hosting the NBA virtual roundtable, man.
We're talking about mass incarceration and people behind bars, you know, with the COVID outbreak. So it's a lot of stuff happening.
And, you know, that's something passionate to my heart because I was incarcerated. I got family members that's still in the struggle right now.
And, you know, clearly on the outs, you know, a lot of people are not getting forgotten about. They're getting resources, but people behind bars aren't getting the resources that they need.
So we're just trying to bring awareness to that. That's awesome.
That's great. Yeah.
That's awesome. Well, good luck with that.
Yeah. Hope you help a lot of people.
Yeah. Thanks, man.
Appreciate it. See you, man that interview with kron butler was brought to you by simply safe with all the uncertainty in this world feeling safe at home has never been more important it's why i want to talk to you guys about simply safe home security they're longtime friends a part of my take and for good reason simply safe made it easy to finally get comprehensive protection for your home there's no technician no, no salesperson that needs to come and disrupt your house.
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From SimpliSafe and all of us here wishing you safety and most importantly good health okay let's get some segments uh first up we have embrace debate then we're gonna do our mount flushmore embrace debate what was the actual uh debate we were gonna have so this came from mark a on twitter kind of spurred this in our brains he wants to know what has a greater impact on wanting to play that sport the last dance makes you want to go shoot hoops watch the masters makes you want to go outside and hit golf balls so let's just do let's do an all-encompassing embrace debate amongst all sports when you watch a certain sport on tv which is the one that makes you want to go out and then play that sport well there's there's there's a couple things here too because i think we can all agree no what, if you watch a sport, you immediately want to go play the video game. First and foremost.
Like, when the World Cup happens, I play FIFA, without a doubt. Yeah, I was actually going to say, like, watching the World Cup makes me want to go outside and just kick a soccer ball around.
But I do want to play FIFA. Easy number one for me, snow football makes you want to go outside and play snow football.
That's a good one i would say my number one would be uh march madness always makes me want to go play hoops whenever march madness when you get like the upsets just those four days of seeing basketball in your face and like you know guys that are maybe not the greatest because it's not the nba you're like fuck i want to go play some hoops some hoops and relive Valpo and all this shit. Well, and also because the first day after that weekend, it's a Monday, so you go into the office, you know there's no basketball on that night.
You're going through withdrawals, so you might as well just invite your buddies out to go shoot. It's something about March Madness makes basketball more romantic.
So you just want to go play it. What about you, Hank? Hank, you got one? I mean, golf is the number one answer.
You do? Yeah. Is it the Masters? Because for me, I'm more likely to go to the driving range after the Ryder Cup.
Anytime I watch golf, which isn't that often. So if I'm going to take an hour and watch golf, you better believe the next 24 hours, I'm probably thinking about trying to play golf.
Although in New York, it's like, do I want to take a train and go play golf? No. No.
A sneaky one is Wimbledon tennis. No.
I mean, I would go watch it, but I wouldn't, yeah. Oh, I wouldn't go watch tennis ever.
I wouldn't play it. I'd go to Wimbledon.
I would go to Wimbledon, yes. Wimbledon's the only place I'd go.
Maybe I'd go to New York and dip the chicken in the Coke. What? I'd be too loud for it for Wimbledon.
I'd just be screaming. Yeah, I would love Wimbledon.
I eat those strawberries and cream, dressing all white. Definitely get a stain on myself instantly.
That is the worst outfit for me to wear to a sporting event. I'd be the dude with a mustard stain from the soft pretzel right away.
I don't even know if they have soft pretzels. They probably don't have soft pretzels.
They probably have mustard, though. Great Poupon.
Did you guys see that clip of Spike Ball? The four kids playing Spikeball? That, I haven't played Spikeball in two years. I've been thinking about Spikeball a lot.
So that's a prime example of, like, since I saw that clip, I've been like, damn, like, I wish I could go out and play Spikeball. Sneaky one, bowling.
If you see any bowling, you're like, damn, I forgot how much fun bowling is. Because it's also not hard.
I mean, it's hard, but it's not hard to play it. so i feel like when you see bowling you're like yeah let's go bowl darts on tv is the same way darts yep uh pool billiards on tv makes you want to go to the table i suck so bad at pool i just that's one of those ones where i don't even try home run well the problem with pool is if you're average at pool you actually suck right because if anyone spends on a table, they're amazing.
And you look like a chump and you feel like you're wasting everybody's time. It's rare, though.
Like darts I love, shuffleboard. If we're playing bubble hockey, like all these type of things you can play at a bar.
But the minute someone's like, you want to play some pool, I'm just like, I'll sit out. I'll just drink.
I'd say the number one sport that makes people be like, man, you know what? I'm going to try that sport. And then they never get around to doing it is curling curling every olympics is like i'm gonna get into curling always never do it come up yep yeah and then you realize it's just nerds like all fuckhead pete uh all right let's do our mount flushmore mount flushmore of cars mount flushmore of cars we ready i'm ready all right all right All right.
PFT. Right off the bat, PT Cruiser.
Yep. PT Cruiser.
Easy. Bad car.
Easy. Bad car.
Really bad car. Michael Scott drives one, which is very, very funny.
It's Britney, bitch. Okay.
I'll go. I actually thought, so I thought you were going to go PT Cruiser or this one.
And this one has had two bad iterations. The, wait, is it, is it, fuck, now I can't even remember the name.
Is it of, it is the bug or the beetle? Which one is it? The bug. The bug.
Two bad iterations. One, it was Hitler's car.
Two, when they brought it back and everyone's like, this is cool. And it's like, no, it it's not I think the new one is the Beetle the old one is the Bug whatever the fucking bubble top Volkswagen car is lame remember it had a big come up in like the early 2000s and people were buying it and like this is so cool it had a flower pot in it yes lame sucks so way too small I would say there's something there's something kind of cool about the old punch buggies.
The Hitler ones? Not the one that he drove. All right.
My number one, I'll go with a Fiat. Okay.
And my number two, I will go with... It's one very specific Mustang, but like the most generic Mustang.
mustangs no no no but like the i guess i

gotta find it no not mustang dodge charger oh okay that's good that's good i like the charger yeah that no i i have a similar car on that so i can't hate on that i think i would enjoy driving it but i think it's just more when i see people driving them i usually don't like you you've Driven or seen a Fiat?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

I'll go with my next one.

I'll go with the original hummer when they had the hummer out and it was the ultimate small dick energy car because if you've ever been an original hummer they literally were like the original hummers they were not comfortable cars they were terrible cars gaslers, all that shit. And you basically just bought one to tell everyone that you're a badass, which actually means you're not a badass.
Yeah, it was a tactical car that you get. Here's a little fun tip.
And drive it around fucking eight miles per gallon. If you're lucky.
Here's a fun tip about Hummers. If you see a military Hummer that's parked in a city, they don't actually have ignition keys.
You can just get in one and drive them away. That's kind of sick.
Yeah, so you can steal them, and the military probably won't say anything. Yeah, the original Hummers, though, that was another early 2000s when the Hummer came out and people were like, this is sick.
You're talking about the H2, isn't it? I know there's been whatever, the Hummers. The Hummers as cars that people buy, just put it down as Hummer,ame as fuck.
Okay. I had the H3 on here because that's like the beta beta version of the Hummer.
The H3 is like my wife compromised and said that I can buy a Hummer. Right.
But this is the one I can park at the compact spot. My second one is going to be the Pontiac Aztec.
Okay. You might remember it from Breaking Bad.
Kind of made it cool. It was Walt's car.
Yeah. Did it? Ah! Did it? Let's say this.
It didn't make it less cool. Skyler drove it sometimes.
It already wasn't cool. It didn't have a negative effect.
Yeah, when he ran over that guy that was trying to shoot Jesse. Yeah.
That's the coolest. Kind of cool.
The Pontiac Aztec has never looked better than when it was used in vehicular manslaughter. Yes.
My third one is going to be, I'm going to go with just a Prius. An old, like 1998 Toyota Prius.
Do you mean the electric? Yeah. Before they made it cooler, though.
Come on, man. Help the world out.
Now you can. Now that they made it look cool.
All right. I'll go with the Nissan Cube.

Those cars are hideous.

It's a pretty bad car.

Actual Cube.

Yeah.

Like, why would anyone buy that?

Wait, is that the one that had the hamsters and gerbils riding around them?

Like, it was Richard Gere's ass?

Maybe it's basically the same thing.

It's the weirdest car that you're like, I'm going to go spend my hard-earned money on this.

Yeah, the Nissan Cube was somehow a worse-looking version of that Scion Cube.

Yeah, just a terrible car.

My last two, I will go with Subaru.

In general.

That's what makes a Subaru a Subaru.

Just in general.

Yeah, just like black cars.

It's one of those things where I understand.

I just never, as a kid, before you understand financial stuff, you're just looking at cars like Subaru, bleh. Just a bleh car? Yeah, just bleh.
What about the Outback? When the Australian guy was in the advertising, he was like, Subaru Outback, world's first sport utility wagon. Well, the song, What Makes a Subaru, Subaru is a banger.
I don't know if that was a regional thing or if that was all commercials,

but it's slapped.

Liam knows what I'm talking about.

Subarus are regional.

Subarus have got a nice come up though.

I feel like they had a bad rap,

but maybe I,

maybe I haven't seen a Subaru in a long time.

I don't know cars.

I think it's because you're just becoming a family guy and you're like,

Subaru is safe.

Subaru.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like a Volvo.

No one wants to drive a Volvo when they're 15 years old, but you squirt out a couple of kids and you're like, I is safe. Subaru, yeah.
Yeah. Like a Volvo.
No one wants to drive a Volvo when they're 15 years old, but you squirt out a couple kids and you're like, I need this. It's true.
Exactly. That's what I'm saying.
I understand why people have it in these day and age. When I was a kid, I was like, why the fuck would you ever drive a Subaru? I feel like a Subaru comes with a dog.
It's like some moderately dirty border cow that jumps in the back. I'm also very concerned about my family members probably having two out of three of these cars.
Isn't everyone in Vermont own a Subaru? No, actually Washington State. Washington State and Vermont.
Huge car in Washington State. And my last one.
Vermont West. Unless you live on the beach and are doing off-roading on a fairly average basis, you shouldn't have a Jeep Wrangler.
You're going to get dragged for that. You shouldn't have a Jeep Wrangler.
Counterpoint. Like, if you have a Jeep Wrangler and you're not going off-roading and you're going out of your way to lift the tires and get bigger tires and do all this shit, hard-o.
Well, maybe you played lacrosse in high school and you want to put a badass tire cover on the back that says, if you can read this, flip me over. And then you go to Jeep camp and you spend $5,000 on somebody that tells you how to wreck your Jeep.
Jeep Wranglers, though, have you ever driven a Jeep Wrangler with the top down? It's pretty awesome. Right.
In the summer, they're nice. So if you live in a beach town.
There is that element. It's one of those things where people buy them and they use it.
Like a Jeep Wrangler, if you have a Jeep Wrangler in Massachusetts, it's nice. Like,, 10 times, 20 times a year? You're not going off-roading.
You're not getting the use out of it that you need to. You're just doing it for a status symbol.
I'll agree with you in this. Jeep Wranglers are the most volatile car because when it's nice, there actually isn't any better car.
There's no car I'd rather be in 85 beautiful day. But if you had a Jeep Wrangler in New York, when would that happen? It's also a lot of responsibility to have to wave at somebody every time you pass them and they have a Jeep too.
Also the soft tops when you have to zip everything up. Yeah.
You ever know someone who has one? They have to fucking... It's like 10 hours just to get the car on the road because they're zipping all this random shit.
If you get caught out in the rain, it sucks too. Yeah, still wind just coming right in your face it's still the best way to tell like your girlfriend's dad if you're a dad and you see uh your girlfriend's boyfriend pull up in a jeep wrangler you're not letting her go on that date yeah no you're basically saying hey your daughter's gonna come suck my dick well it's jeep wrangler it's like hey i'm gonna finger banger to a dave matthew cd i hope that's cool you likeuka necklace? Uh-huh.
All right. My last one.
This is very specific, but it makes me so mad. I don't even know if they run these anymore, but the worst car in the world is the Enterprise pick-me-up car that's wrapped in a fucking wrapping paper.
It's impractical. It drives me nuts.
How? Why? Because it's a present. Yeah.
No. Presents come in packages, big hat.
No. I hate that car.
Enterprise car with the wrapping paper. Do you hate that car? If you got a car, a play car for your son, are you going to wrap it up? You're just going to be like, here you go.
Here you go. The Hess truck? 100% here you go.
Would you rather have the Enterprise wrap car? Oh, my son is definitely going to have those little, like I never had Power Wheels as a kid. I'm going to get him all that shit.
Power Wheels are so fucking cool. Dude, he's going to look like a Kardashian.
The worst part about Power Wheels was going over to your friend's house that had Power Wheels, and you're like, hey, can we play Power Wheels? And he's like, no, I'm sick of Power Wheels. I might just buy 15 Power Wheels.
I'm not sick of Power Wheels. That's why I'm friends with you.
This is one of those, you know, how you live vicariously through your children? I am going to live vicariously through my son with Power Wheels. I love it.
What kind of model are you going to get him? Everything. Probably the Jeep.
Literally everything. The Jeep Power Wheel was fucking awesome.
I'm going to be the drill tweet. Someone help me with my finances.
$100 on TV, $300 on food, $10,000 on Power Wheels. He's going to be the Jay Leno of Power Wheels.
My last pick is gonna be this is tricky i'm gonna go with ford ranger ford ranger see i don't know cars enough i don't it's the tiny tiny little ford pickup truck okay ford ranger two-door two-door ford ranger the only thing i would say is beta truck yeah i i pickup pickup trucks in general seem very impractical because you just then have to help everyone. Right.
You're the guy who has to help everyone at Home Depot. That's the thing about a Ford Ranger.
I could see it if you're getting a Silverado, if you're getting an F-150, if you're getting a bigger truck. The Ranger is good for nothing except helping your friends move.
Exactly. That's it.
If you drive a Ranger, you're telling me, I don't have friends. I'm looking for play dates so badly that I will do your chores for you.
Yeah. No, I agree with that.
All right, what did we miss? I actually thought of this one. I didn't write it down, but it just popped in my head.
Sobs suck. Sobs are trash.
Because you're basically buying a car that's like, you can't get this fixed anywhere. You have to the foreign auto shop sobs are bad sobs suck i would add uh geos geos tracker um the mazda miata like dude if you're gonna buy a car like a sports car just go all the way mercedes suvs like if uber if you get an uber xl and it shows up as one of those big Mercedes.
Yeah.

Oh, you don't like those? One I forgot. That's what I just said.
A Honda Civic with spoilers. Honda Civic.
Yeah, SI. With spoilers.
Being like, look at my race car. It's like, dude, it's a Honda Civic.
I got my racing seats. I've got my seat belt that has the pad on the middle of it.
I got the LED underhatch. Whatever the fuck it's called.
It's a 90-second car. mufflers the white Jetta

the drug dealer car. The swag car.
That's a drug dealer car? Like a high school drug dealer. Swag.
To me, white Jetta is just your girlfriend's car. Yeah, or a drug dealer.
High school. Like, hey, this isn't expensive, but it's kind of nice, but it's not expensive, expensive and you sell shitty wheat i would actually say that probably 33 of part of my listeners have either dated a girl that drives a jedda or bought marijuana for somebody that drives a fact fact and it wasn't good marijuana no any truck that's super lifted that's a douche bag small dick energy uh the dodge dart is a bad one, too.
Again, I don't know these cars. Dodge Nitro, Dodge Dart.
Oh, remember the Amigo? Oh, yeah, the Azuzu Amigo. Amigo.
I think that actually might be a cool car. I don't know.
The Amigo and the Sidekick. Amigo, Amigo.
That was the commercial. Those are like mini, mini SUVs.
Amigo, Amigo. It's fun for a boy.
No, I don't know if that is. They were hybrid power wheel SUVs.

Yeah, those things, Amigos.

I got to find Amigo now.

What about Toyota Yaris?

I just hate the name.

Yaris?

The Yaris.

The Toyota Yaris.

Yaris.

Makes me want to throw up.

Here we go.

They're driving it down the fucking stairs.

Amigo, Amigo, Am amigo. This commercial is from 1998.
These guys look like they're from the 70s. He's doing donuts on the beach.
Is that the Zoolander car? It might be. Free gasoline accident car? Amigo, amigo.
They look like power wheels. You can put them in your back pocket.
All's finish up. Guys on Chicks.
We did a lot of awesome interviews today. We got some great interviews coming up.
Hank, Guys on Chicks. A friend got a DM for feet pics.
How much does she charge? I guess you got to read the audience. Also, the last one on my list was just convertibles.
You don't like convertibles? You don't like convertibles? You don't like Mustangs? That really hurt PFT. You don't like Mercedes SUVs? That went right at PFT's heart.
Hank just doesn't like rap commercials. I switched the Mustang thing.
It's Dodge. You don't like rap music videos is what I'm hearing from you.
How much do you charge for feet pics? I think you got to start high. Just say like 500 and see if he says no.
And then if he says no, okay, yeah, it's 20 it's 20 yeah that's the real price just wanted to check you out yo if i was a hot chick i would sell my feet pics all day yeah and if you're rich if you're rich and you're into feet pics you'll absolutely shell out 500 any chicks listening to this they want some gross ass toes and a big toe that is way too far apart from the rest of the toes hit me up. One of my big toes is half dead.
I've got one...

It's like you're turning purple. I got hit a boy up.
That's a dad thing too. Yeah.
Stub your toe enough. The one fucked up toe.
Hey, Big Gato, LPFT, and Enrique. My older brother, 22, bet my younger brother, 18, that he'll be able to dunk before the younger

one has a threesome. For reference,

one's 5'9", and the other is a

virgin. I don't think either

will happen. Why are boys so

irrationally confident?

How old? Give me the ages again. 22 and

18. 22, threesome,

18, dunk.

No. 22, dunk, 18,

threesome. 18's virgin.
18's virgin, 22's, 5'9". I actually think the threesome's going to happen because there are a lot of weirdos that go to college and they have a threesome with their buddy.
Yeah. It's like their buddy and a girl.
No one said what the ratio has to be. It's true.
Exactly. I mean, if he does a circle jerk, you could argue, boom.
He plays Oogie Cookie, threesome. Also, if he's just in the room when his roommate's fucking and he jerks off yeah that's the threesome i was just gonna say be in the room yeah if he's gonna you gotta come too you also have to come well yeah no you do all three parties it's highly recommended no well the girl is not gonna come right well she looks over and sees the guy fake an orgasm yes you can fake an orgasm hey big cat pft and healthy hank I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and we are extremely close as you're all well aware quarantine is taking a toll on us and my boyfriend has found a new way to cope gambling on the weather it's no secret that he's gambled on sports in the past and I've never said anything about it but his obsession with the weather is getting out of hand he wakes up every morning and watches the weather channel while staring at his laptop as the day goes on he'll frequently shout and scream at the sun clouds rain anything every time i try and bring it up he insists that i have no room to speak because i never had a problem with him betting on sports what do i do i don't know what the problem is here i don't think that you have to say anything to him i think he's found a productive hobby he's learning about science yeah i i fail to see the issue i also though can i just throw this out there and you guys tell me if i'm crazy i'm nervous that the longer sports are gone the the trickier it's going to be to reintroduce them to our lives in terms of partners that's that's a valid concern i'm very concerned because we're establishing a new normal right my normal every day is just watching sports every single night no sports games are on if we go long enough that's why i try to mix in a full day of just watching horse racing on saturdays well and also to kind the training wheels on like, oh yeah, you are just degenerately betting on this all day.
Well, from nine until midnight, you also play sports on your video game console. So I'm good, but I'm just saying.
You're good. So people need to watch.
It's more about a scheduling thing. It's about a scheduling thing.
So just block out some time from seven to 10 o'clock every night and just like watch an old sporting event on your DVR or just write sports on a piece of paper, tape it to the television, and just stare at it for three hours. Yeah, so essentially just try your best to ignore your – and it could go both ways.
Maybe your husband doesn't like sports. Whatever partner doesn't like sports, try to just ignore them for three hours a day to get them prepped who is your favorite kardashian and why rob because they fucking kicked him they they he couldn't fit in the suit in france before the wedding and he just flew home um is china black one nope nope okay black china nope uh the last name has to be kardashian courtney yeah okay Courtney, because you know what?ourtney's like fuck it I'm Kourtney How do you not like Rob I don't have to be Kim I like Rob too but he's not really a factor He's like a non-factor Because they're ashamed of him Does Ray J count He's got some blood Swap DNA My man lives for the I will try harder tomorrow speech why do men love false promises we need insight olivia that's our entire life is a promise it's future us um just telling you why you know but telling yourself tomorrow diet starts tomorrow that's really what it comes down to and uh you just keep telling yourself tomorrow is going to be the day that i change everything about myself that i've done for my entire life and become a better person well what's great about telling somebody else that you're going to do better tomorrow is you're you're taking a positive outlook and if they say that's what you told me yesterday then guess what why are you doubting me for tomorrow why do you not believe me now it's your And now you have something to apologize for.
You're negative. Exactly.
Not my issue. I haven't cleaned up the bathroom in seven months.
I'm going to do it tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow I'm going to be the cleanest person in the world.
All right, last one. Question for tonight.
When you pee, do you take your balls out or keep them inside? My boyfriend takes his balls out, and I think it's totally unnecessary. The internet has it at 50-50 split, so I'd love to hear your takes.

Usually no, but sometimes you just got to see what's going on down there.

The cat's about to whip his dick out.

You got to do a little, yeah, you just got to take inventory.

I take my balls out.

You got to take inventory of what's going on down there.

It's so reflexive, I didn't know if I did or not.

I just do a little scoop, scoop and pull.

Now, I never go through the zipper with it.

You never put the balls through the gate. might not ever come back hold on if it's a waistband sometimes i'll pull down below the balls sometimes i'll just drop all the way to the ground yeah i think i scoop and pull every time you pull your balls out sometimes i pull them up and over doing up and over up and over the waistband yeah yeah yeah i'm saying like through the teeth of the zipper if you willingly pull them through that's the gate of thermopoly right there that's like the 300 waiting to spear your nuts the second they go through those teeth

yeah i pull them out i don't know i didn't know that was weird tell me that's not weird

it's just at 50 50 so okay cool i'm in the 50 part. All right.
We'll see everyone Friday.

Love you guys.

You pull your nuts through the zipper? If y'all met you, I don't trust you. I'm going to show you.
Don't tell me. Take me out.
I see you. I see you.
Don't tell me. Take me out.
I'm going to go. I don't want you.
I'm talking away. I don't know what to say.
I'd say it anyway. Today is another day to find you Shying away I'll be coming for your love again Shying away I'll be coming for your love again Needless to say I'm all set in But I'll be in some little way Slowly learning that life is okay Say out to me It's better to be safe than sorry.
Say love to me.

Darling, darling, you make me love.

I need your love to me.

It's Pardon My Tate presented by Bob Stool Sports.