Writer/Comedian Jensen Karp, Andy Dalton's Goodbye + Things We Think About When We're High

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, we have comedian, rapper, writer, author, art dealer, Jensen Karp. Something a little different.
I really enjoyed talking to Jensen. It was a good time with him.
He knows a lot of famous people.

He has the hollywood scene down also very cool guy and married to to topanga that's probably the coolest thing that in the no offense jensen but yeah that probably is pretty awesome put number one but uh we have that we have andy dalton james win Fyre Fest of the Week. And then we're going to finish the week with the Mount Rushmore of Things You Think When You're High.
So we'll see how that goes. Ever had one of those days when it's just too cold to keep working? Nah, neither has Ariat.
Ariat work jackets and boots are packed with all the cold stopping waterproof

protection you need to get the job done under any conditions so you can take any job out there and

always deliver. Check out Ariat in your local workwear retailer or visit Ariat.com slash work

to get 10% off your first order when you sign up for email and weather whatever in Ariat work gear.

Okay let's go. No place to hang out, no washing And then I can't live all on the sun Oh no We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Oh we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Barstool Sports Welcome to Part of My Take presented by the Cash App.

Go download it today.

Get $10 for free.

$10 to the ASPCA when you use code BARSTOOL.

Today is Fri-yay, May 1st.

We fucking did it, guys.

We kicked the shit out of April.

Happy May Day.

See ya, bitch.

It still feels to me like it's it's march 61st april in the dust we're just chugging along here we're chugging along we're feeling good may is gonna be easy we had a lot of showers yeah they flowers we got it made can't see them can't go out inside and see them but they're there what about this cool throne justin timberlake why it's gonna be my yeah good point i forgot about that nice hey somebody wake up the guy from green day it does feel this is where we're at though now it's uh every day every time we hit a new month it's like oh okay this happened one in the dust i would like to make a motion that we never speak of this april again deal can we just forget about it you know like that that time conspiracy where they said the years between like 1100 ad and 1300 never happened yeah there's nothing nothing i'm trying to think like no yeah nothing happened this april all right well actually one thing happened i want to read a tweet to you to start the show off jamis winston on zoom call with saints media about lasik surgery said he can now read license plates and street signs that he couldn't read as well before so he's basically a google self-driving car helps with blurriness depth perception clearer vision wow that is now it's crazy to think that he couldn't read license plates before or street signs that's why perception. That's why he's probably always taking Ubers.
Depth perception. Like, that's a big deal when you're a quarterback.
I know the well actually response here that you are not supposed to get LASIK before you're the age of 25. That's like a medical thing.
You're not actually supposed to do it because your eyes are still growing. That's weird to think that your eyes are still growing but that is just a shocking shocking statement to say i have been playing quarterback in the nfl for the last five years and i struggle with depth perception he couldn't read street signs that's a very easy thing to read for most people um i'm very good i'm a little concerned like what if james can see too good now maybe part of the charm of james was the fact that Sometimes he would miss a little concerned.
Like, what if Jameis can see too good now? Maybe part of the charm of Jameis was the fact that sometimes he would miss a cornerback, and he'd say, fuck it, I'm going to bomb it out anyways. And then he had good wide receivers that would bring down these chances that he was taking.
And so that's what made him so exciting and able to make these crazy throws. Like, now, what if he's able to see those cornerbacks, and he becomes captain checkdown? And he's like, I can't believe I used to make those throws.
Or he sees the rush coming and he gets, you know, scared and holds up and basically tucks the ball because he's like, oh, man, you know, he's basically been dealing with a situation where he hasn't seen the rush for five years. So he feels like he's Superman and can't believe when he gets sacked.
His eyes are going to be seeing ghosts, and it's going to affect his personality.

What a wild way to go through playing quarterback in the NFL.

The highest paid position in the most popular sport in the world,

and you can't see?

Maybe that's why I only—

I did say world.

It's not whatever.

Fuck you, soccer.

He took $1 million a year.

True.

So he's not the highest paid.

Hypothetical question.

Would you rather have Jameis Winston for 30 years or dak prescott for one year uh easy economical it's crazy how little he's getting paid i it's crazy that they're not more teams and i know he said that there were more teams but there's no way there were more teams you guys have also though fully wrapped your brain around him like really being a good cause he's derangement syndrome i've accepted i had derangement he's had no well you just said it's crazy how much he's not getting paid no derangement syndrome is the people who think that jamis winston is bad you have a derangement syndrome i see the truth but when i be proven you're triggered by the fact that he's paid so little no you're triggered by everything that he does. You're like blind man bad.
Jameis is not good. Can I recommend a book for you real quick, Hank? It's called...
But the title of it is Jameis Winston Derangement Syndrome, which you have. How media bias causes us to overlook the start of a Hall of Fame NFL career.
You guys are the media bias. No, we're not.
If anything, we pump him up. Yeah.
Right. You just said I can't believe he's not getting paid as much because you guys are biased of him being good, and so it shocks you that he's getting paid so little.
No, you're deranged. You're deranged.
That's derangement. You actually might have rabies.
Irregardless, Hank, you've got toxoplasmosis. You've been hanging out with cats too much.
Oh, do a sidebar real quick. A neurosurgeon hit me up and was like, yeah, this is a really dangerous thing for someone to have in their brain.
Yeah, so don't intentionally get toxoplasmosis. Which makes sense for how Billy's been acting.
Yes, it does. Jameis is not a great quarterback, but it is still insane how little he's being paid.
He's getting paid $1 million. Dude, Chase Daniel's getting paid what? How much is Chase Daniel being paid? How many firefighters and school teachers do they pay if they didn't have paid $1 million? The New Orleans Saints could hire, off the top of my head, I don't know, 30 school teachers to give that Harvard education at the quarterback position.
Hank, Chase Daniel's being paid two, let's see. Oh, he signed a three-year deal for $13 million.
He's getting paid $2 million this year, okay, for the Lions. You don't think that the Lions, if Matt Stafford gets hurt, do you think that Chase Daniel or Jameis Winston would have a better chance of possibly winning football games? Jameis.
Yes, exactly. So he's a more valuable backup.
He is the guy that if you're... Listen, if you get to your backup in the NFL, you're almost always fucked no matter what.
But you'd want at least the guy who has maybe the upside. Forget about winning and losing games.
Just put yourself in the shoes of an NFL owner. If you want to sell tickets in case your backup gets in, who do you want? Chase Daniel or Jameis Winston, who no matter what happens, you're going to put him out there and you're going to see something weird that you've never seen before in a football field.
Jameis. But now he's ingratiated in the same system.
Yeah, no, he's going to be a genius. He's getting a Harvard education.
But he had other options, and so he chose it. Tons of other options.
Him and Greg Williams had several options to start their own football league together. They had just so many options.
He just turned it down, yeah. So we have that news was shocking, hilarious.
Thank you, Jameis, for giving us a laugh when we need one the most. And then we have another quarterback who is free to go wherever he wants.
Andy Dalton got cut, ending the era for the Cincinnati Bengals, the greatest uniform hair color era of all time. And I actually, listen, I could talk myself into Andy Dalton.
Andy Dalton is going to look real weird in most any other uniform, though, because it had a lot to do with the jersey that he was in. Like, imagine Andy Dalton wearing a Dolphins jersey or Andy Dalton wearing a Panthers jersey.
Or a Bucs jersey. It seems weird, yeah.
Bucs, yeah. I can't picture a good quarterback ever wearing a Bucs jersey.
Except for Jameis Winston. I would take a flyer on Andy Dalton.
Andy Dalton, I think, is worth it. He's the anti-Jameis.
He's a good, solid quarterback.

He's not going to make too many mistakes, and if he does, he'll make a tackle.

He'll tackle a guy that picks him off.

Right, and he seems like a guy that he's not going to screw up the locker room in any way.

You'll probably bring him in.

He's going to be pretty normal.

He's going to give you that pump-up speech that doesn't pump anyone up.

Yeah, I think Andy Daltonton i would take a chance on him

patriots might it seems like a good landing spot for him i'd be fine with him um you think he's the best andy of all time best andy athlete andy bernard andy athlete andy roddick andy roddick tennis player andy murray tennis player probably the best ginger jones and yeah but he's isn't he like D-R-U-W.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't feel like that translates to an Andy.

Best Andy ever.

Yeah. Probably the best ginger.
Andrew Jones. Yeah, but isn't he like D-R-U-W? Yeah, yeah.
I don't feel like that translates to an Andy. Best Andy ever.
Yeah, it could be a Drew. Drew Jones.
I don't know. Andy Pettit.
Andy Pettit. Andy Pettit's a good one.
Took steroids. I'm sure we'd think of some more.
Yeah, but he admitted that he did right away, so it's cool. Only for an injury.
Yeah, but yeah, he's totally fine. Andrew Luck, he's an Andy.
You think Andrew Luck? No. He would definitely go as an Andy.
Andrew Luck is not an Andy. He would definitely go as an Andy.
Andrew Luck will change his name to Andy for like one weekend of a bachelor party. He's like, let's go a little wild with the guys.
Andy's coming out. Then he has two beers and dies.
Andy Luck. Andy Luck, I like that.
Maybe he comes back as Andy Luck. Maybe, yeah, why not? I think he's probably the best ginger athlete of all time, right? Yeah.
Well, ginger athlete. They're all tennis players, too.
Jim Currier, Boris Becker. Max Muncy.
They don't even count. Bill Walton, he was a ginger back in the day.
Bill Walton, definitely. Sean White, the Flying Tomato.
The guy in the Sonics. It's hard to remember every ginger athlete.
Swift. Oh, Stromile Swift.
No, no, no, no. I thought you were talking about the Fox.
Oh, are you talking about the guy? Robert Swift. Robert Swift.
He basically was out of the league within four years. Yeah, but look at his hair.
Scalabrini. He should get...
Look at him. Oh, Carson Wentz is technically a ginger.
Is he a bust? Blake Griffin. Blake Griffin's not a ginger.
He's not a ginger. He's listed best red-headed athletes.
You can make an argument that... You can't trust Google.
Andy Dalton, if the season ended today for both their careers, Andy Dalton had a better career than Carson Wentz. Well, yeah, because Carson Wentz played like three years.
Yeah, I'm just saying. So you can't put Carson ahead of Andy in this conversation.
But he's still, yeah, I mean, he's still, his highs were better than Andy Dalton's. Mark McGuire.
He never got the Bills to the playoffs. Actually, you know what? The Bills, to continue this whole tradition of Buffalo just like making Andy Dalton a folk hero, the Bills should sign him.
They owe him. Yeah.
Oh, the Bills for that one year? When they got, yeah. They already have a stacked quarterback room.
Big time stacked quarterback room. Jake Fromm.
And our guy who's got a mustache, by the way. Josh Allen's got a mustache.
He's looking really good. People are definitely taking quarantine where they're like, I'm going to take some risks with my facial hair.
Yeah. I don't hate that.
I don't hate that. All right.
Should we do our fire fest and get to Jensen Karp before we do fire fest? There's making a sandwich, and then there's crafting a sandwich.

And when I want something perfectly crafted, I go straight to Boar's Head.

For over a century, Boar's Head has been dedicated to crafting premium deli favorites.

Every ingredient is carefully chosen, every recipe made with a purpose.

Their oven gold turkey, smoked master ham, and ever roast chicken

are made from premium whole cuts, hand trimmed, and perfectly seasoned. Last weekend, I made the ultimate sandwich, oven gold turkey, cheese, pickles, and mustard.
Simple, but unbelievable. So next time you're at the deli, don't settle, get the best.
Boar's Head, committed to craft since 1905. Discover the craftsmanship behind every bite at boarshead.com.
Hank, Firefest. My Firefest, not surprisingly, is all brought back to video games because it's basically the only thing on my brain, in the pie chart of my brain besides this podcast.
Oh, I thought it was going to be that PFT worked you in ping pong. No.
Worked is, I mean, it was a gentleman's sweep. 4-1.
So it's a gentleman's game. Yeah, I let him have one to keep that confidence going a little bit.
But, yeah, sorry, Hank.

I didn't mean to take your FireFest.

Our bad.

Well, it wasn't my FireFest.

It was just part of the game.

Our bad, dude.

But the Twitch chat, who was very active, they basically bullied me because they convinced me.

Like, I play on a TV with an HDMI, and they convinced me.

They're like, dude, you've got to play with a monitor.

You've got to play with a monitor.

You've got to play with a monitor.

It'll make all the difference.

Finally, it was like, all right, I'll just fucking buy a monitor.

And then they're like, oh, well, if you have a monitor and you're not playing on PC, then it's useless. And I was like, this is where I draw the line.
I'm not going to buy a PC. I play video games with a controller.
I'll never play video games where I'm not playing with a controller. I agree with that take.
Turns out, you can have a PC and use a controller with a PC. So, I got mad at the Twitch chat, and then I got dunked on.
I dunked on myself. And I basically just realized it's just a racket.
There's always something else that you don't have, but it's truly like it's the tools, or it's the person using the tools, not the tools themselves. You're exposing yourself as a noob in the video game community, and that's tough, because I would fall into the exact same trap that you've fallen into if somebody's like playing a pc yeah i always thought wait i have to be like on a keyboard exactly and hitting like k and s instead of b and a that's too much for me so yeah thank you for making that mistake so i don't have to yeah that's you're you're right though video games should be played with a controller yes i don't want to hear anything different and it's bullshit if there's really that much they're like dude, dude, it's 10 times better on a PC.
It's like, how could they create something? I think they made you be better. Yeah, but they're talking about the frame rate and all this.
Yeah, right. There's all these things that the computer do that an Xbox can't.
Don't let them bully you. What about, so when they told you to get a monitor, you were just playing on a TV? I was playing, yeah, I was playing like, yeah, I was playing on a TV.
And so then you bought a monitor to plug your video game system into,

and they're like, dude, this is the exact same thing as a TV?

Well, they were like, yeah, well, it's good you have the monitor,

but if it's actually not a PC, then the benefits don't matter as much.

So it's like, sick.

Maybe just nice things.

Right.

Come on.

PFT, what's yours?

F's in the chat for Hank.

My FireFest of the week is, so I'm dealing with with this move moving in two weeks on the 15th of may just found out city chore city it is chore just found out yesterday that um i'm gonna have to deal with a brand new cable subscription service so i have to relearn every fucking channel i have to even worse than the channel in old age this is how i know that i'm getting washed cut the cord i can't do that because it's not real live sports hank and live sports are coming back they're cut they're coming back they're making the vaccine rizved regmere the drug is working wonders dr fauci told me um but yeah i not only do i have to learn the channels but even worse than that at my age is a new remote control. That's going to be like a four or five month task for me right there.
Yeah, you're screwed. So I don't know where the red zone channel is.
The funny thing is I only use like three channels on my TV. I have to remember.
I got to wear one of those quarterback wristband playlist things so I can just look at that and know what channel is. Well, and you're not going to get in shape because there's not sports on right now.
Like, you're not going to get into channel shape because you aren't using the channels that you should be using. Exactly.
Disaster. Right.
I'm going to have no reps going into the fall when the NFL starts. It's like skipping the entire preseason.
I literally have turned my, like, the only times I've used my TV with cable is on Sunday nights. Like, turn it off, turn it back on next Sunday.

You're such a Gen Z-er.

No, you're a millennial.

No, you're not.

No, a Gen Z-er.

Yeah.

Zoomer.

You're a Zoomer.

Okay, Zoomer.

Nope.

Meet me in the Zoom chat.

My other fire fest.

You're not a millennial, I don't think.

I think I am.

No, I don't think so.

When did, just Google it real quick.

It'll tell you.

It's such a millennial move.

To Google if somebody's a Zoomer.

You're right.

It is.

When do millennials start to end? When did millennials stop being entitled? What year were you born? 93. Shit, he's a millennial.
You're not like us, though. No, he's actually more of a millennial than us, probably.
We're actually pretty much the equals. On Gen X? No, 81 to 96, so we're basically on the same ends okay like a hardcore true blue millennials like 1989 i just divided over whether somebody remembers life without the internet yeah that's that's when you're a true millennial no that's that's wrong though we remember it right but millennials go to 96 so those are late millennials, though.
But I think it's the people who are before us, whatever the fuck that is, they're the ones who fully remember life without the internet. That's true.
Gen X always remembers life without the internet. They won't let you forget it either.
You just tried to do that. What? Not let everyone forget that you remember it.
Correct. Because I'm borderline Gen X.
You a millennial who shows gen x tendencies tendencies yes yes i'm on the spectrum of x uh my other fire fest is i've got a shitload of dishes now so i'm getting really bored i don't have my my twitch video games up yet because we're dealing with some hardware issues so i'm not gaming all the time unfortunately um did you finish game of thrones i am still watching Game of Thrones. It's getting good.
It's getting really good. Wait, what's the dishes thing? So the dishes are because I've got some time in the evenings.
I'm getting back into cooking now because I used to cook all the time. Allegedly.
What do you mean allegedly? I've seen some conspiracies out there that it might not be you cooking those. That I'm not actually cooking? Yeah, interesting.
I am cooking. I put out a couple videos on the old Instagram about it someone put the videos um yeah you're right it's not actually me there's a second or no they were no they were videos but we don't know if you took them okay i'm taking it's the trey wingo situation yes this macaroni and cheese showed up at my back door today uh no i'm had macaroni cheese in the last two weeks yes i did and i have it all the time i have it.
I have it all the time. You can actually cook it.
So I just Googled Paula Deen mac and cheese. Sorry.
No, I'm cooking and there's a shitload of dishes. That's the worst part about cooking.
Sounds like a bad chore. It's a terrible chore.
Now I understand where you're coming from. There's nothing worse than eating an extremely satisfying meal and then looking at the kitchen and just immediately thinking, I'm going to save that until tomorrow.
wake up tomorrow and it's even worse tomorrow and you can't work yeah it's awful if you're cooking though you shouldn't have to do the dishes it's true leroy helps sometimes he looks them off the uh all right my fire fest i got two as well i threw a seven pick game whatever i suck at video games who cares the other one though the real one is i'm addicted to snacking girl wait are you the nathan peterman of video games uh did you throw like three in a row no no no i threw two pick sixes and seven total i think it was four and three so i didn't throw five and a half okay yeah that's bad it was really as long as you spread a little bit. I'm addicted to snacking, girl.
People are so mad about this. I don't know why.
Nuggets. I think it's what she gets.
What am I craving? I am snacking. I love her.
I think it's the nuggets part. All right, but the genesis, I'm still trying to figure it out.
The main Barstool Sports account posted it like two weeks ago, right? Correct And then all of a sudden there was a groundswell Of people being like, delete that video It's so cringeworthy and bad And then Chuck, our great social media guy Posted it again And I guess what happened was he posted it two weeks ago I'm getting comments on my pictures Yes, he posted it two weeks ago And people on every single Barstool Instagram post have been commenting delete snacking girl and so then they post it again and it's just chaos but I legitimately think it's a fire jam by her I kind of like it I like the way she says nuggets and ramen play it again and we do be snacking. People be snacking.
I be snacking.

Snacking.

Cheetos, Pringles,

French fries, chicken,

nuggets,

ice cream, sandwich, what am I craving?

What am I craving?

I am snacking. I'm probably going to tweet

the podcast tomorrow with this video just

to see how many replies I can get.

That's just engagement. People are so mad about it.
And I love it. I got one.
I got one on Instagram. Delete the snacking girl.
Yeah, well, I posted the snacking girl on my Instagram as well. And then as soon as I posted something else, everyone was like, this doesn't make up for the snacking video.
Like, we know what you did. So.
I love it. There was actually a change.org that had 750 signatures

to delete the snacking video.

What's crazy is that for this video in particular,

that's posted by our new social

media guy, Darren Revell. So if you

want us to delete the snacking girl video,

you have to comment on his Instagram

and tell him to delete the snacking girl.

Dude, speaking of Revell's Instagram,

we should address this.

I'm pretty sure I was just reading.

God!

Hot seat Rick Riley because Darren Ravel has the creepiest Kate Upton post of all time. He's a scout.
Just reading this. He's a scout.
I've always prided myself on being ahead of the curve, trying to spot the next trend. This ranges from investments to people.
Which, for Darren, that's the same thing. Yeah, investment.
People are money. Yes, right.
And corporations are people. I've told the story about scouting Jeff Bagwell, then a rookie in 1999, to come to my bar mitzvah.
Kids at the time were confused why a Mets fan was having an Astros player at his party. Well, no one on the 1991 Mets made the Hall of Fame.
Bagwell did. Owned us there, dude.
That is the most Darren Revelle thing of all time, to invite a rival player to your bar mitzvah because you actually think he'll be better. Also, I get what he's trying to say.
I get to look back and say, Bagwell is my bar mitzvah. But at the time, everyone was like, who the fuck is this guy? Like, who's Jeff Bagwell? So he did the same thing, long story short, with Kate Upton.
He said, but I've never really told the story of bringing Kate Upton to the White House Correspondents Dinner. You should have just stopped there.
I was reminded of him because it popped up. And I will keep it that way.
It was happening nine years ago today. Kate Kate and I met in December 2010 A year after I had anchored a prime It just goes on and on But essentially he's taking credit for Kate Upton's career He discovered Kate Upton when she was a lowly Sports Illustrated swimsuit model That everyone knew about He couldn't get into any of the parties The moment that will stick in my head from that night Was the fight to get into the vanity fair party we obviously weren't on the who's who list but we got some help from kate's si colleagues brooklyn decker and chrissy tegan two and a half years later after landing the si swimsuit cover twice vanity fair needed a model for their 100th anniversary issue who did they pick christy brinkley you know what wait kate upton you know my favorite part of the story is by far that they go to the vanity fair party they don't get in and darren revell thinks the reason they didn't got in get in was because he was with kate upton right and it wasn't because of him it wasn't because you were probably saying i will call my lawyer if you don't let me in this.
I have an invite right here. I paid money for it.
Uh-huh. God.
Reenactment of the doorman at that party. Yeah.
Mr. Revell, we definitely have you on this list.
You are scheduled for VIP. We've got you for table service.
Who are you with? Who does she know here? She's very attractive. Darren, you can get in, but Kate Upton, I don't know if we have room for her.
We've never heard of her. She's the striking young lady who's very, very attractive.
Nope. Sorry.
When has an attractive woman not been able to get into a party? Never. Darren.
She could be homeless. He probably doesn't even realize that.
He does not realize that hot girls always get into parties. Yes.
That's the rule one of a party. Yes.
Oh, my God. Okay.
Let's get to. Imagine being Darren's wife and reading that Instagram post.
And the funny thing is. Were you planning on bringing that up? No.
I mean, I saw it. I saw it earlier in the day, and I was like, holy shit.
I can't believe he actually wrote this novel about being able to scout human beings. The funny thing is for most couples, most married couples, this would be like a very tough post for the wife to read and be like, hey, why are you flexing on going on a date with Kate Upton? But I think that we all know that Darren Revell posting this literally has nothing to do with him wanting to have sex with Kate Upton.
it's just him trying to flex on everybody right and being like i i recognize that this woman

was going to be very attractive when she was younger i have a great eye for talent do you

think if i like became president of the united states he would do a post and be like i i realized

he was going places that's why i let him beat me 11 to nothing and pick up basketball that's why i

created a twitter account for his unborn son no i let him wipe the floor with me and make me look

Thank you. places that's why i let him beat me 11 to nothing and pick up basketball that's why i created a twitter account for his unborn son no i let him wipe the floor with me and make me look like the most unathletic person in the world he would post that picture of him from like sixth grade wearing the tuxedo and write a lebron style younger darren revel thanking older darren revel for future discovering dan cass it's unreal he is one of a kind i actually think this is more like this is actually him getting back though yeah like this is what i i need this revel not the fucking loser revel narking on people like this is actually funny because it's it's kind of quirky yeah a little endearing in a weirdo way the the times that darren revel is the least cool is when he's trying to be the most cool.
And the times he's the most cool is when he's being the biggest nerd.

Right.

All right.

Schrodinger's nerd.

Let's get to Jensen Karp.

Great interview with Jensen coming up.

When your home system or appliance breaks down, American Home Shield will help fix or replace the covered item, no matter its age.

Visit AHS.com slash listen for 20% off any plan.

See AHS.com slash contracts for coverage details, limitations, and exclusions. All right, here he is, Jensen Karp.
Okay, we now welcome on very special guest. It is Jensen Karp.
He's a writer, comedian, rapper, art dealer, producer, podcaster. I guess the first question is like, how did you get so cool? I know because that makes me sound like a true douchebag.
Because like the more multi-hyphenity, the truth is I just have done stuff I like doing. So Wikipedia just puts them all together.
But in truth, at my core, I'm just sort of a writer. I think it's the art dealer that makes it put you into douchebag.
Let's talk about art dealer. Are you like a super villain or where does that come from? Yes.
I'm always petting a cat. I always am thinking about killing your parents.
No, I, years ago I was, I was signed to Interscope as a kid when I was like 19 years old. Jimmy Iving gave me a ton of money to wrap, even though I look like an accountant.
And I, I, the deal fell through. It didn't work out.
It, it, I was a failure at having this record deal, but I had all this money from it. And I wanted to start a business, not just buy video games and comic books for the rest of my life.
And so I opened an art gallery on Melrose here in Los Angeles called Gallery 1988. And it focused on art me and you would like, not like pompous $30,000 pictures of like a yellow dot.
Like it all pop culture related we've done stuff with Major League Baseball we've done deals with like Lost and Breaking Bad like it's pop culture art so if anything it's more of a t-shirt business than an art business okay I like that yeah just call it t-shirt business except it's on canvas oh and I did like that you said like art that we would all like like you don't I was just I thought you're gonna say like yeah you know there's like bulldogs with like a king's crown on it nipples there's a lot of a lot of bare breasts yeah all my art that i sell says keep calm and carry on okay yeah any sort of variation on that slogan i'm in live laugh love in on a wood board or if you're like banksy just put a gas mask on any cartoon character boom million dollars we we've We've all dated someone who has like a Marilyn Monroe picture up, right? Because that's the most basic bitch. Oh, yeah.
It's terrible. Oh, yeah.
It's the worst. It's that one and the freshman dorm starter pack of Bob Marley, John Belushi, and the two women kissing.
And the Pink Floyd with their backs that are all the albums. The worst.
That's the art you're selling. Okay, I got it.
Boondock Saints posters. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Got it. Good fellas, posters, the whole thing.
Yes. All right, so you mentioned the record deal, but let's go back a little because you were a child actor too, right? A failed child actor, yes.
is two, now two things you failed at. I like this.

We're keeping score. So we're going to give you a final tally of your merit at the end of this podcast.
Yes. I, I was a child actor here in Los Angeles and I was on a television show called kid songs, which was basically Barney without the dinosaur, which takes away all the cool parts about Barney.
Uh, and we would just sing like, you know, it's a day at the picnic or like, you My meatball has left my plate, like dumb nursery rhyme songs.

And that was basically the extent of my whole acting career, which is ironic because I have married Danielle Fishel who played Topanga on Boy Meets World. So we have sort of like the two dynamic polar opposites of child actordom.
It's like one who couldn't not take a job and me who like couldn't find a job. Right.
So wait, who, who now being a child actor, was that your parents wanted to get you into it? Or were you just like, I want to be a child actor. I want to, you know, get a crippling drug addiction in my mid twenties and bottom out.
Like I want this. I'm so into the Corey Haim lifestyle.
Uh, no, my parent, my dad was a car salesman. And my mom was basically, she worked in like, I say advertising, but truthfully, it was like the Penny Saver magazine, but her own she made from home.
So we were very middle class, not a ton of dough, and no connection zero. And so I just was a precocious kid who liked performing and convinced them to act.
And then when I don't want to act anymore, I was like, I don't want to do do this anymore and they said good because we hate driving out to uh the city every day uh and so that was it that's like the perfect child acting career like i dipped your toes in it but you got out before it fucked you up permanently i i like that i've been thinking like so i i have a son who's 10 months old and i'm like if i could get him into one movie when he's like four and then never act again just so that like it's a pickup line he can have at the bar when he's 25 that would be perfect you did that i did but my wife uh clearly has seen some dark stuff in her career of acting and like you know was friends with like brad renfro and like stories you know britney murphy stories that are so sad and she was and i have a 10 month old as well and when we had him she was yeah i'm sure they look exactly the same if your baby looks like marv albert uh and so you put a what do you have the ball gag and everything no no the cooler part of mark he just he just yells from downtown over and over again uh the hair yes uh he uh so we were like we'll never let him act my wife was so against it and then every day we looked're like, he should be in everything. Like we're going to try to get him in.
Like it's such a fake out that you think you're not going to try to get him into acting. And then you do.
And you're like, oh, he's beautiful. He needs to be on The Sopranos tomorrow.
Yeah. How does that work? If you get into something when you're 10 months old and it does really well, do you get residual checks on that for the rest of your life? Oh, hell yeah.
But I think it goes under your like name or something. They don't give it to your baby bank account.
I think they make sure your parents get it. Yeah, but for the rest of your life, you would get it.
I would gamble all of that. So if you're like a baby Jenny from Forrest Gump, when she's getting on the bus and she's like, you can sit here if you want, that line, she's still getting checks in her mailbox every day? Yeah, that's that Olsen twin money twin money man the olsen twins were that like cut it out or whatever dumb shit they said i think they still get paid off dvds and streaming sale so do you have residuals no kit songs made a sign aware residuals that's most slave labor thing they could have done yeah yeah wait so so your mom growing up you said that she ran her own penny saver she like did her ownine, which was – she clipped the coupons and then sent those coupons out to her friends? No, no.
She was Groupon. Your mom invented Groupon.
Yeah. No, she typically had a zine.
It just wasn't talking about like Black Sabbath. It was like where you can get cheaper Italian food.
I love that. That's great.
And so you ended up marrying Topanga. I think that's a lot of kids dreams.
Did you actually watch Boy Meets World growing up? Did you have a crush on her? No, I never see. I've never seen it.
No, I swear. We went to high school together.
So we knew each other growing up. We were acquaintances and pals.
And I knew she was famous. I knew she was on a show.
But our high school was I don't know. Now it's like, you know, Calabasas High, you know, it is like Drake and the Kardashians or whatever.
But at the time it was just kind of like this new money Haven. I didn't live there.
I lived in a city next door and we pretended we lived there so I can go to school to better school. And I knew she was famous and I knew she missed school for months, but I had never seen the show.
And so we started dating and she showed me two episodes. So did you date her in high school? No, we were just acquaintances.
That's crazy.

And so you ended up reconnecting later on.

Wait, yeah.

After you got famous enough for her to be seen with,

she was like, yeah, I guess we can give this a shot.

Most likely.

I would go do a radio appearance or something

for my book I released or whatever it is.

And they would say, where'd you go to high school?

I'd say Calabasas.

They go, oh, you know who was just in here?

And that would happen over and over again.

So we had each other's contacts or whatever. So I would write her.
I'd see her at comic-con if she was doing an appearance or whatever and just say hello and we were always just pals and then when you turn like 35 you're like why didn't I date that cool person and then that all happens wait so you watched your first two boy meets world episodes after you guys had been dating yes did you feel like a creep no no no No, no, no. She showed me two episodes.
She showed me, I don't know if you know the show well, but she showed me two episodes. Oh, I know very well.
We're children of the 90s. Okay, so I'm 40, so I'm more saved by the bell.
I missed it by months, I think. Okay.
And so I had watched one that's the Halloween episode, which is very screen-based, and it's great. It's got Jennifer Love Hewitt in it.
Very funny. And then we watched one where Will Friedle, his character joins a cult.
And that one's, I wouldn't say it's quote unquote good, but it's good because it's ridiculous. And those two were great.
And I just saw it as like, this is ridiculous. 96.
I'm not like, that's my wife. Yeah.
So you're not watching. You're like, you look cute, I guess would be the right word.
No, I mean, her whole life is very funny. Like we have this thing we do right now called Scorantine where we give away things that we have in our house to people on Instagram Live if they answer trivia questions right.
And it has us going into the garage and looking for prizes every week, you know? And we found like, I wish I had it here, but we found LA la brides magazine which she was on the cover of in a in a you know uh bride's outfit at 16 oh my god that's so weird and we found this which is uh it's called grinders and it's a rollerblading vhs so this way rollerblading vhs with her and writer and they're the hosts of it oh so it's

like you'll go in the garage and find like these crazy 90s time capsules but to her she's just like i don't know this is the stupidest thing i've ever seen and i'm like put it on the bookcase what were they doing putting a 16 year old in a wedding dress on the cover of a magazine dude hollywood was insane i mean it's still yeah i was gonna say it is yeah attention to the dailies Then it was even crazier.

Is it?

I actually have like a long time running phobia of California teenagers. Do you think, like, what is the essence of a California teenager? I always just think that they're cooler than the rest of the country.
And like California teenagers surf and do drugs and have sex before everyone else does. Do you think that that's a completely made up thing in my mind or there's some merit in that no there's some merit in it i mean i was kind of a dweeb i was very i'm still kind of square my wife was square we're both kind of like um as much as you think she was like you know chilling at the chateau marmont at 12 years old she wasn't but you know like i don't i remember going to like tribe call quest shows when i was in late middle school high school and seeing leo leo dicaprio backstage like smoking weed and i was like oh yeah i'm not like him at all i i like i think they just lived a different lifestyle i was like making sure my mom didn't page me so i was late but at the same time you were also backstage no no no no i was a general i was general admission looking on to backstage never, I, I didn't have any connections like that.
But there's a lot of culture. I think American culture starts in California in this weird way that you guys are, are, uh, oftentimes, I mean, even right now, I feel like all the TikTok stars and Vine stars are living in some weird mansion where, where, where I'm just watching and be like, where the fuck are your parents? Like, why, how are you doing this? Yeah, that's a question I have a lot.
I think, you know, I remember for a while when Vine was hot, there was this apartment complex on Vine that they all lived at. And I was like, number one, that kind of irony should not be even used.
Like, it's too ironic. They should just burn the house down.
But yeah, I don't understand.

I guess we've met them.

Like Danielle and I have been in situations,

a charity event or something, or she's friends.

She was on this TV show called Girl Meets World,

which was like a reboot of Boy Meets World.

And so she was on a television show

that had young kids on it, like Sabrina Carpenter

and sort of like the new Hollywood.

Now they've went on to be in bigger things.

And we hang out with them every once in a while.

And I couldn't feel less.

I feel like a narc.

Right, right.

Like, I'm literally like, Hey, cool kids. Like I like literally I'm holding the skateboard and everything.
I, it's not for me. I'm scared of it as well.
And then you see us and you're like, these guys are fucking losers. So it's like, now I feel like, but big cats onto something like there's so many times.
And we've only been out in California a couple times since we started the show, but we'll be driving down the street, and I'll think to myself five

times in a minute, you should be in school.

That kid should be in school.

Why isn't that kid in school?

Right.

Why is he skateboarding?

He's nine.

That kid's eight, and he's smoking a cigarette.

Yeah.

But that looks pretty awesome.

I kind of want to smoke now, too.

He could beat my ass.

I look like him.

Yeah.

I just hand my jewel over to him.

Yeah.

I'm like, you take it.

They'll steal it from you. I read that you're a big la clippers fan is that true i am sadly yeah well yeah big come up for you in the last year so congrats on that who who is the most famous oh alex your phrase is this way what's it like knowing that you will always be the second most favorite or famous clippers fan to the kid from malcolm in the middle frankie munz was a huge Clippers fan, but I have been going to games before Munez was old enough to be a game.
So I am used to obviously the Billy Crystal comparison or Kadeem Hardison, who was a very big Clippers fan back in the day. But now you go and it's like Jay-Z and Lil Wayne and I've seen Drake at games.
I mean, it's literally it's almost become the ticket compared to Lakers games. So I don't act like it's like the band that now plays Coachella.
And I was into them when they were, you know what I mean? Like, I don't play that game. So I'm happy that it exists.
I'm happy that they're a great team. I mean, I just, I always wonder when they're talking shit about other teams.
I'm like, you guys know how this ends, right? Right. I've been here for 30 years.
Like, we have to not gloat because this is going to come back together. Even just now you said you're happy they're a great team and it's like obviously we we don't know what would happen at this year but yeah they've literally been a great team for like three months and you could even argue that like that's up for grabs i mean kawaii's unbelievable we hate the clippers for what they did to blake griffin our friend sure so my way my friend as well i've worked with him more than any player.
He's my favorite Clipper of all time. I did many things with him from the ESPYs.
We did a very weird live read of Space Jam here in Los Angeles where he played Michael Jordan. I've done a lot of comedy with him, and it hurt my feelings.
That's almost why you're hearing a little bit of that from me, is that I was such a big Blake guy and DeAndre as well. And so this is a new look clippers i will always feel a connection with the laundry obviously but blake leaving was a was a big deal for me yeah so you are a little bit of a clipster which i would actually be if i were in your position too to be like hey i remember these old days when things weren't so great and i was sure all the time now we got kawaii we got pg um do you think that the nba is coming back i will i do this podcast now called the No Sports Podcast.
Seamless segue, dude. Thank you.
Thank you. I've been doing this since kids' songs, as you know.
The No Sports Report, which is a podcast that I do, where I interview athletes while they're in quarantine, trying to figure out what they're doing. And I'll tell you this.
I have talked to people like Colin Sexton. And basically, I talked to Jay Williams about his weird cruise ship idea, where he thinks everyone's going to be playing on a cruise ship.
Awesome idea. No bad ideas.
Awesome idea. You guys are a true improv class.
Oh, we're in for that. No, when people were sitting on that idea, we're like, what was he wrong about? Eastern Conference cruise or Western Conference cruise? There are things that he could – you could point out a lot of public health issues why he was wrong.
Nah. But we don't want to say no to anything.
There are no bad ideas. Until someone comes up with the perfect idea.
Let's keep spitballing. Yeah, let's yes.
And everything. I am not I do not feel they're coming back.
I think that the ideas that are being thrown around sound like they're just they're just pitches. But hold on.
You're saying that because you have a podcast where you exclusively interview athletes that are in quarantine. So you have a vested commitment here.
Follow the money. To be like, hey, sports canceled forever.
Tune into No Sports Podcast. So you're telling me, hold on.
So you're telling me that you think you read that MLB story today about 100 games or whatever, all in conference, three home stadiums. That sounds like the most f fictitious it sounds like what happens after a bombing in 24 here here's where i'm at with it i think we're fucked until the nfl season starts because if there's one thing that we know is sports fans the nfl doesn't really care about player safety so i think they'll come back and then everyone will follow suit.
I do like the idea that no matter what happens in sports though, at the end of the year or at the end of our own existence, it will just be cockroaches and pro wrestling. Before we get back to that interview with Jensen Karp, I want to talk to you guys about a good friend of ours, the people over at Roman.
Most guys have tried different ways to last longer, but thinking about baseball doesn't always work. The folks at Roman, an online men's health company, are changing the game with Roman Swipes.
It's the secret to longer lasting sex. Roman Swipes are a clinically proven way to last longer in bed.
They're effective. They're easy to use.
They're fast acting. Best of all, they don't require a prescription.
They can ship Swipes to you in discreet, unmarked packaging, and each swipes packet is small enough to hide in your wallet for whenever you need it. Roman swipes are great.
They don't transfer to your partner, so you can last longer without worrying. They're super easy to use.
You just take the swipes out, swipe it on, let it dry, you're good to go. That's it.
That's all you have to do. It is a secret to longer-lasting sex, and it's so easy.
Go to GetRoman.com slash take. You can get your first month of swipes for just $5 when you choose their monthly plan.
That's GetRoman.com slash take. And now, more Jensen Karp.
Yes, and you're a big pro wrestling fan. Actually, I have a bone to pick with you.
You had my dream job for six months, and I was listening to an interview you did earlier when I was walking my dog, and you said you didn't like it. So you.
Yeah. You had my dream job for six months and I was listening to an interview you did earlier when I was walking my dog and you said you didn't like it.
So you were a writer for Monday Night Raw for six months. Yeah.
And you're like, yeah, I didn't really like it. And I wanted to punch my phone when I heard it.
It wasn't that I did. No, I like the job.
I mean, listen, I was in situations I would have died to do when I was 12 years old. I would have loved to tell Hacksaw Jim Duggan to yell ho louder.
Like that was like my, my literally, if I had to write out what my job dream was at 12, that's it. Uh, but, but truthfully, it's just traveling, man.
I don't think you guys, I feel like I have something with you guys in a sense of traveling to three cities a week and sleeping very little. And it just, I felt less creative by the day.
And I mean, it's a circus, man. It's a, it's a true circus.
Why do they make you travel to every city though?

If you're writing for the show.

Well, I was there in 2005.

I've heard it slightly different than now they have a home team and a

traveling team.

But, but back then we were,

we were writing right to the last minute on the plane in the arena.

So like they would have us working and producing with the wrestlers

right till the, so literally we went on air.

So that was part of the writing job is also producing on the spot.

I understand that aspect because when you do travel it does like sap your creativity you're when you're sleeping in different hotels and getting on planes you just don't feel as creative do you did you ever sit in a room with vince mcmahon oh i was on the plane every day with him he was we would okay go on the private plane oh shit did you ever sneeze in front of him no but i saw people sneeze in front of him what happened they're dead honestly i wouldn't be shocked if they just came up into a river right now as you said their name like you're speaking like the undertaker like you could just pop up um no uh he just looks at them like they're the grossest thing in the world and like sort of like he even like mimics like the like the like their snot on him like wiping it off i'm like it was just like aomime bit. But he also ate steak sandwiches every day.
Do you know that story? No. He eats these pieces of steak in a tortilla with ketchup every day.
Every day? Every day. I never saw him eat anything else.
Oh, my God. What a man.
Just bear meat inside the tortilla. We're not talking any sort of salad or any vegetable inside.
Like skillet pieces. Did he ever look at you and be like you know what would really help is a fucking round of hgh dude i guarantee you he looked at me every time and he just went what a jew every time he had to have looked at me i he always kind of respect i think he always respected me because my dad right before i left was like you should buy a really nice suit i was like was like, dad, I have no money.
He's like, I'll loan it to you. My dad didn't have any money either.
But for some reason, we scraped together dough and I bought a very nice suit to go out there. And Vince, the first day was like, nice suit.
And I think from there, he just like thought I had a lot of money. You wore it every day.
Yeah, you were super. This is the kid with the suit I was telling you about.
Haven't washed it yet. Here's the Jew in the suit.
That's going to be so intimidating though flying on a private plane with vince mcmahon i would freak yeah it was crazy i told the story recently and it weirdly made a lot of press but i was always uh scared to fall asleep on the plane because vince would throw almonds at people who fell asleep and i didn't i like was kind of felt like it was bullying but i also liked vince so i was like i'm okay with it but i still never like fell asleep yeah once it could be like two in the morning and i'm like shaking with my eyes wide open like i like like clockwork orange he's got a bazooka of almonds ready to go i i feel like i read something about him doing that with jericho at one point like he jericho would fall asleep on a plane and he would just like stack stuff on his body vincent just doesn't like it when somebody loses control of their own body around him, whether it's sneezing, yawning, sleeping. It's weakness.
You name it, it's weakness. It's a weakness.
Yes. So is there a storyline that you came up with when you were a writer for WWE that they came back to you and they said, no, that's too outlandish? Yeah.
I thought you were just going to ask the ones I did, which are stupid too, but the one that i brought them i like this kid who was in developmental at the time you know we have like minor leagues now it's nxt whatever it's totally different but back then we had like a triple a system and we would go down there every once in a while work with them and then come back and be like we really like this guy like cm punk who's a become become a friend out of that system that i would go there and be like i love this dude um but there was another guy there named Chet Jablonski and I think he's like a bouncer now I don't think he I know he's not in wrestling anymore and he was like this Polish kid and I had helped craft this idea with him where he's a super fan and so he would he would like know he knew everything about pro wrestling in real life so if he was put up against someone he would know all their stats want to take a picture with them like do all this stuff but then as soon as the bell rang uh he would he would beat the shit out of him and then when the bell rang again he would then take pictures with them down on the ground like it was it seemed like a great place to start and they were like no and then i followed up with an idea for a character named perry hotter which was this very small wrestler who who would have who thought he was anyway You don't want to hear that one. No.
Yeah, I love it. Both those ideas were very bad.
Chet the Jet. I'm looking him up right now.
I like Jablonski. Jablonski, that's just a good bouncer name.
If that's what he is, that's like what he was born to do. Yeah.
Chet the Jet. Yeah.
Chet the Jet was his other character. Yeah.
Yeah. Jablonski.
I like the idea of somebody beating the shit out of an opponent because they know their history of matches and moves so well that they know exactly how to defeat them. So who's your favorite wrestler of all time? You can't say CM Punk because you said you were good friends with him.
Yeah, my favorite wrestler of all time. That's a good question.
I think. I mean, I don't know.
My answer is so corny, but I guess it's it's so hard for me to say because I really don't love anyone. I think they're all just kind of like – I guess – listen, Owen Hart's incredible.
He was great. I mean, I know the saddest death of all time, so it's hard to bring up.
But I just always loved Owen. I thought he was funny, and he was also just a good wrestler and kind of tough and could tell a joke.
Yeah, yeah. And The Rock is the greatest.
I mean, obviously. Oh, yeah.
Stone Cold. Tough to disagree with the rock though yeah both great those are those seem like givens yeah um i read you know i took i took your boy roan to a wrestling event yeah well i wanted to bring that up um i don't care about going you go into a wrestling event with roan you your bachelor party had uh cm punk i think paul sheer uh from the league and a million other things.
John Mayer, ever heard of him? And Adam Farone. Adam Farone, yes.
How did he fit in? Tell us something embarrassing. Did he fall asleep? Even though we know Roan is like the coolest guy ever, so I'm sure he did fine.
But tell us something embarrassing about Roan. Well, we did go to a wrestling event that that was what kind of like my uh my bachelor party was in chicago and rome was great he had never really done anything like wrestling before and he was he was just jazzed and taking tons of social media photos and just having a great time and then we all we had rented like a bus to go to the event and we all walked back to the bus and we we didn't know where rome was he was gone and we waited 30 minutes for ron we had we were gonna leave without him we had no idea where he was and like you said it's like john mayer being like where's your friend adam for own uh and we found out that adam made friends at like a nearby gym there was like a like a high school gym nearby and he smoked weed with them and then he got back on the bus but he made us wait for 30 minutes yeah i mean that sounds exactly you can you can drop ron off in any sort of environment whatsoever he'll be just fine yeah he's the best so all right so settle this debate for me because i i co-host a radio show with ron and he has after every after every bachelor party everyone has that like group text message that's fired up for the bachelor party then it's the hey, hey, where are you, Roan? Like, why are you smoking weed with high schoolers? And then after it peters out a couple days, whatever.
Do you think that if Roan texted John Mayer out of the blue, would John Mayer respond? We have a text message. It still runs.
Oh, and anyone kicked anyone been kicked off? No one's been kicked and i will tell you this i will tell you this it recently got renamed to the roan appreciation group okay because we were all very into uh storm chasers yes yep and i posted it being like this is really funny and everyone got really into it and i and i believe though i would have to find it and screenshot it and send it to ron so you guys could see it i believe john wrote this is the greatest thing i've ever watched incredible oh interesting because that idea actually was my boss and i came up with that idea like five or six years ago so i'm gonna say john mayor complimented me technically it's yours then yeah even though i could never have done it and ronan caliber way funnier than i am i'm that's a half compliment from John Mayer to me. Take it.
Take it to the bank. Did I hear that you're friends with Mark Hoppus? Yes.
Yes. So is Mark feeling like a real big idiot knowing that Tom DeLonge got the United States military to release all these photographs and videos of UFOs? I will tell you this.
I had a morning radio show until just four days in the pandemic. We were like kind of publicly fired.
It made a bit of mainstream here in Los Angeles on a channel called K-Rock, which is like a legendary rock station. And one of my last interviews was with Tom DeLonge.
And we were, it's such a great quote. And I wish he was on air.
It was off air, but we photos with him at the end and and and my one of my co-hosts said to him do you ever get tired of people telling you you're crazy and he said they don't do it anymore and he's like but they did for many years and he goes it's been a couple good years to be tom de long yeah yeah it really has like total vindication yeah it felt like it felt like a really nice i mean i'm i guess there is a team mark whatever there's not really a team mark team tom but at one point it was kind of like that right division in the band but i think at this point everyone just has to say tom de long though it comes from a crazy medium clearly is on to something yeah i think vindicated i think that band meant so much to so many people that yeah some people took sides during the whole divorce but the you know for the last five years everyone's just been like please get back together we just want them back together for the kids and i think that's the end of it didn't didn't we make well i mean not make i mean we turned mark on to uh roan's pop punk band pop punk or whatever yeah we made him tweet yeah yeah yeah we made him tweet there you go sweet circle of life yeah all these circles good getting connected here um you also have a book let's talk about that real quick so the book is called what does uh what was the name of the book it's kanye west owes me three hundred dollars yeah kanye west owes me three hundred dollars uh it's the story about how i had this record deal uh that's just one story the kanye west thing's kind of a clickbait title that's a great title that's maybe the greatest book ever. I know I haven't read it because I don't really read books, but I've thought about reading it.
That's good enough for me. And yeah, and the book just tells the story about me being a, you know, teenage rapper who gets this record deal at Interscope and then having a bit of a mental breakdown in the midst.
And it was a failure in my mind for a long time, just sort of like something I wouldn't want to address. And then I kind of sat down and wrote out this book and I felt, uh, I felt my own vindication, my own Tom DeLonge UFO vindication about it and, and felt really good getting it down.
And, and, uh, people have sort of connected with it in the sense that, you know, all of us have sort of hit a dead end and this is a tale of me not finishing, but instead making like a U-turn. Okay.
I like that. So, so just the process of you sitting down and writing it actually made you feel better and help you move on from that point.
A hundred percent. Not even like a question.
I mean, I spent 10 years in therapy talking about how I want to get rid of this thing. And then I wrote a book and now I enjoy talking about it.
It's a completely different experience for me. Did Kanye ever hit you up? No, but.
But he listens to this podcast. So we'll tell him.
He's a big part of my take guy? Yeah. Huge.
I know he's a big pizza review guy. I'm shocked to hear part of my take.
No, he... Okay, so when I was getting ready to promote the book, I had an idea, and these two companies offered me $5,000 each, and we were going to say, if someone can get Kanye to give me the $300, we'll give you 10 grand.
And that was like such a funny idea to me. Like, give me 300, I'll give you 10 grand.
Yeah. It was such a funny, great, you know, like he's always around.
Like you could just go to him and get the 300. Like I thought it was just like a funny bit.
And the book company was like, we'll call your lawyer and see if it's okay. So I call my lawyer.
My lawyer is like, no, that's a terrible idea. Like people get killed for People get killed for way less than $10,000.
That is so dumb. It's so dumb.
And so I didn't think of that. And so I told a couple of people that idea.
And one guy goes, you know, you can just ask him. And I go, okay, you know, like laughing.
And he goes, because he's just right in there. And he just points to a door.
And I go, what are you talking about? He's like, he's in there. He's taking a meeting.
And I go, he's in that room. And I go, yeah, I'm not going in there to tell him.
And they go, well, why don't we pitch him it? And we'll let you know. I think he's going to want to do it.
And I go, well, listen, I haven't seen him in 10 years, but the Connie I know would never do this. This is against everything.
They go, I think he's going to do it. I go, all right, well, I'll go home and you call me, whatever.
Let me know. A couple hours pass.
They don't call me. I email them.
They don't call me back. It becomes like 8 p.m.
and I get a call on my phone. They go, yeah, Kanye's not into it.
I go, yeah, no shit, man. I told you.
He wasn't going to be into it. And so Kanye said, uh, I'm happy to hear the Jensen doing well, but you know, I don't, I feel like it's manipulative.
And I was like, yeah, no, it's totally exploitive and manipulative. That's the whole joke.
Um, and, uh, and then he tweeted, uh, he tweeted something along the lines of, it's a paraphrase, but that same day, about four hours before he tweeted, don't use me for any of your marketing schemes. And I was like, yeah, that's definitely about me.
Oh, you got subtweeted by Kanye West. I feel like that's worth more than 300 bucks.
Yeah, it is. Yeah, most likely.
The book was already printed. Yeah.
We'll have Glenny Balls pay him $300 into one of his Booze and Burgers reviews. And when Kanye watches that, then we'll incept him into paying you.
Yes, huge fan. Thank you.
Huge fan. I read that you lasted 45 days on a freestyle competition on the radio.
Is that true? Is that 45 straight battles? Yeah, that's how I got my record deal. I was on a radio show here in LA, Power 106.
And it was just like a dumb regional radio contest. You guys had it in New York as well.
It's called the roll call. Like Ed and Dre used to do it.
And it was just like dudes rap battling back and forth. It's just the stupidest regional radio.
But I used to take it pretty serious and just kill people. Like even if they were like 11 years old, I just would destroy them.
I didn't care. I just thought it was funny.
And then yeah, the most wins before me 10 and then, uh, I won 45 and I left, I was at USC going to USC at the time and, uh, I had to go do finals. So I just was like, I can't do this anymore.
Uh, and, and Jimmy Iovine was there basically when I walked off and gave me the record deal. That's why Ronan and I get along so well as we kind of have similar origin stories.
Yeah. 45 days.
Do you ever run out of words? Yes. Yeah.
How many times? Absolutely. How many times did you rhyme Bacardi with party over the span of 45 days i ran it there's a story in the book and it's it's totally true is that i was freestyling and rapping because they would also make me rap after the battles they go okay now you go and i just did the guy and i have to do it again and so i one day was like and i know this next line is gonna cause a bunch of beef and i was like i don't have anything i don't have anything and that's like such a promise that's like such a promise you know like Like this next, oh my God.
Like like, and I know this next line is going to cause a bunch of beef. And I was like, I don't have anything.

I don't have anything.

And that's like such a promise.

That's like such a promise.

You know what I mean?

Like this next,

Oh my God.

Like they,

and everyone's like,

you know what I mean?

Like they're like a bated,

bated breath to hear this next line.

And I go,

I would rather die than ever do a song with Tyrese.

Oh,

which like,

which was just a stupid,

it just rhymed with beef.

I didn't even,

I don't even care about Tyrese.

I think he's corny,

but like whatever.

And,

and everyone laughed and everyone was like, oh my God.

And then I did it again the next day because I thought it was funny to just keep picking on Tyrese.

And then eventually he called in the station.

And was he like, what the hell is this guy doing to me?

Yeah, he wasn't happy.

Yeah, because I pretended I knew him and stuff.

Basically, they were like, what do you,

they were like laughing.

They're like, what do you have against Tyrese?

I was like, he'll know.

Like I was totally joking around.

And then he called in.

He's like, why does he hate me? Is there some story? He was like real into it and I I like a bitch was like no there's nothing I made it up it just rhymes with beef yeah you owe me five hundred dollars Tyrese yeah yeah yeah have you ever battle wrapped against Roan yes we battled uh well I had a tv show called drop the mic on Turner and I hired Roan as a writer because I thought he was just tremendous and he i mean if you don't hire him to do it who do you get right and uh yeah sure listen i love chiron as well no fuck chiron r.i.p fuck chiron listen both nice kids but listen adam fron went to my bachelor party we know where i ride yeah okay well let's say say fuck's your own listen road road uh road comes out and he uh is riding with us and we hire hayley baldwin who at the time is not famous uh at all she's unknown she's just i guess she's baldwin's kid and we thought she'd be great and pre-bieber all that stuff and she needed to do a test and so we needed to put her out in front of the Corden audience at the James Corden Late Late Show to see if she can handle being in front of an audience. And so Roan and I decided we would write battles against each other as the test.
And Haley would introduce me, then Roan and whatever. And I took it very serious.
So I sat down and wrote all my stuff out. Roan wrote his stuff out, but also his boss yeah so like it makes for like a terrible situation so the first time i destroyed him i got him great in the first test and then we had to do another test and he had rewritten his stuff and he killed me okay kind of a serious question about that like if you're battle rapping against one guy that works for you and it's part of his job to write these battle raps and you just eviscerate him and you treat him like a donkey and you you know you you just beat him down are you worried that he's gonna like sue you obviously not with roan but like with another type of employee what type of uh contract do you have to get somebody to sign for that well i mean if you want to get really inside baseball about this uh do you yeah sure yeah absolutely there was a lawsuit that you guys should should definitely uh research if you want to have fun the friends writer's room had a massive lawsuit uh from a writer's assistant i believe because of the things that they said back and forth and it ended up that the writer's assistant lost because the the writer's room is considered a place for like safe haven creativity this is our contract if i why everyone blasted us because we had the friends clause in our contract at barstool being like we're in a creative spot like jokes get made if we say that hank can't get an erection you know for three years running totally as a gag it's a joke it's a joke it's a joke hank can't do anything about it yeah yeah and so that's i think that's pretty much how hollywood runs at this time so i don't get but i had my wife on the show my wife battled jonathan lipnicki the kid from jerry mcguire yep and it was very cute because the writer's room uh i i was i think i was the head writer at that time and the writer's room dropped off the lyrics and they go i don't know man we found these outside at a tree it was under a tree they're all about your wife man uh it was just jokes they wrote about my wife uh but but listen i come from a place where rap battling is all jokes man i mean same as as you guys breaking balls like it's just i mean that's how you know you like someone right it's true it's true um all right this has been awesome man the no sports podcast uh you like it's called the no it's called the no sports report no sports technical name yeah do you guys stick to sports during the no sports report or do you not talk about any sports we talk about sports but we also mostly focus on things like like we had sugar ray leonard on and we talk a little bit about boxing but also i talked to him about what a meetings are like in quarantine because these people can't meet up and talk about not drinking and stuff and i talked to al harrington about his weird weed business you know and gavin lux we talk about what shoes he's buying on stock x you know like we don't have to talk about what's on the field we talk about just what we're doing in this weird time and you started this as soon as coronavirus started so do you feel like you're exploiting coronavirus yeah uh all the money does not go i was gonna make a joke about money not going to charity but it actually does oh fuck you eating america.org are you serious yeah it really does you're gonna take like 10 off the top though right this is what art dealing does for you huh you just give your money away no i mean listen the money does go and and and we just uh partnered up with i heart radio which we're really excited about and uh that was.
That was bullshit what you just did. Because you're like a genuinely good guy.
I made you feel bad. Yeah, we were busting balls, and you just took it.
You went over the top on us. You're like, yeah, actually, I do give it all to charity.
Don't worry, man. We're in a creative context.
I can't take it out on you. Damn.
Do you also hate Blake Griffin like we kind of secretly do? Because he's so good at sports and so funny and such a good actor it just pisses you off because you're so inadequate yeah and he's also blake of the year so he he wrote uh we we did the sps when drake was the host that year i was the writer on that year and blake and drake did a sketch together called blake and drake and no matter what we wrote for blake he would just write say something funnier in the moment it was like he should should be writing comedy for a living, but he's coincidentally just very good at sports. He's the man.
Yeah. When you were writing, he'll dunk a basketball.
When you were writing for Drake, was he like, Hey, this is perfect. Cause I don't write my own stuff normally at that time.
I think we all thought he wrote his stuff. Ooh.
Okay. But I, I, I listened, I watched him write stuff.
I, I, I don't know. He's another, what is it? You physically watched him write it.
Yes. Okay.
We got confirmation. Okay.
Wow. I saw him write r i i i don't know he's another what is it you physically watched him write it yes okay we got confirmation okay wow i saw him write raps yes okay that's huge with your own two eyes with my own two eyes he wrote a dude it's also another great youtube dive he did a song called no side or side pieces for the sps that year about about this song's not for the your number ones it's for your number twos and he wrote most of that i wrote some of the jokes as well so did uh bashir and diallo two great writers um but yeah drake man he's a he was a musical little genius with it i i watched him do it okay all right all right you stand up well you gave him his best lines no i don't think i gave him his best lines but if that gives me the d DJ air horn from you guys, I will take it.
Yeah. I wrote all his best lines.
Jensen, this has been awesome, man. We really appreciate you joining us.
Yes. Thank you.
Welcome back. Anytime.
Everyone go check out the no sports report where he just gives all his money away. While we sit here, just keeping all of our money.
You're a better person than us. than us you're giving away you know trinkets from your garage and you have like 17 adopted dogs and all this stuff so you're you're just the best man are you still paying your dog walker oh i'm not no now oh we are well well well he's he's been furloughed well that is fucked up man jobs you're like the fucking sixers no man by the way furloughed was also a pun just for the record uh no i uh i do want to say that i think uh i think you guys is everyone still working for you guys is everyone still coming in you know we're no we we literally are the only people that come in like twice a week but no one i mean it's kind of amazing kind of amazing.
You guys work at a media company that hasn't done anything. Well, people are still making content.
They're doing stuff from their houses. No, that's what I mean.
That's what I'm saying. I'm saying like it's incredible that people are still making content.
He's not like furloughing people and not letting go of people. Correct.
You guys are still doing great. Yeah, we're very lucky.
They don't write that story about us. The haters don't write that story.
It's true though. I know.
Well, i appreciate it for one i uh yeah we're we basically just find different ways to uh create like magical worlds nothing's real anymore no pft's dog broke the gronk news i'm i'm uh the offensive coordinator for usc i saw that yeah so like nothing's real anymore anymore, but we've created a fabricated side life that now sustains everything. It's going to be weird coming back to it.
We spent like an hour on Twitch the other day watching the DVD logo bounce around on the screen. It's stupid, but it's good.
I did. I watched a little.
Are you guys watching any of the baseball stuff or no? What baseball stuff? Like the show tournament? Oh, no, no, no, no. I thought you were talking about the Taiwanese stuff where they have the cardboard cutouts.
No. I forgot how deep you guys go.
No, no. I'm more service level just watching, you know, Dennis Smith Jr.
or whoever play. Yeah.
Yeah, no, whatever. Watch Horse.
Watch whatever dumb shit you guys have to watch. Horse sucks.
Horse sucks. Horse is terrible.
Horse was so bad. And it showed you how big Mike Conley's gym is.
What a joke. Yeah.
Yeah. He should be a better shooter.
He should be a better everything with that gym. He should be a better dad.
He should be a better friend. I think he's actually a really good guy.
We've got him on the show. He's your guy.
He's just rich as hell. Okay.
You guys hate Blake Griffin, but love Mike Conley. No, we also love Blake, but there's some, you know, you always have to look sideways at a guy like that.
That's so much better than everybody at everything. Yes.
True. Yes.
All right. Well, Jensen, thank you so much, man.
Really appreciate it. Thank you guys.
Big fan. Thanks, man.
We're going to get right back to the show. You know, it's music to dog's ears, delivery, playtime, and Semperica Trio.
Semperica Trio means getting outside and having fun, knowing your dog is protected. It's the first monthly chewable that protects dogs from heartworm disease, ticks and fleas, round and hookworms.
This drug class has been associated with neurologic adverse reactions, including seizures. Use with caution in dogs with a history of these disorders.
Be sure to tap to read the full prescribing information. Ask your veterinarian about Symperica Trio.
Tap or visit SympericaTrio.com to learn more. All right, back to part of my take.
Okay, let's do a quick segment before we get to our Mount Rushmore. First up, we have Embrace the Bait.
Is Michael Jordan a loser? Should we play the audio? All right, so Hank sent us this, and it's quite a point by Mike Felger. I think that it's one of those things where like, yeah, you know, in his way, is he making money or not? And I don't know if he is or he isn't.
But I think that's the way he judges it now. He's probably individually competitive still.
I think Jordan's turned into a loser is what I think. I think as a player on the floor, ultimate winner, great competitor.
I'm not taking anything away from him there. As a man in this stage of his life, he feels like a loser to me.

I mean, he's an absolute disgrace as an owner.

Loser as an owner.

And what's his personal, like, what's his gambling situation?

Does he still have a gambling problem?

I don't know.

That house looks pretty awesome to me.

He looks like he's winning in life.

Good question.

I don't know.

So what does that mean, Murray?

I don't know.

Like, based on watching this thing, he looks like he's living large.

He doesn't come off as a loser to me.

Well, but no, but does he have a gambling problem?

I don't know.

Probably still.

I don't know that he would ever shake that.

He might be one of the few guys, though, that that will never catch up with.

I think that doesn't he still make something absolutely absurd from Nike every year?

Yeah.

But if he loses millions of dollars a year at a blackjack table, I don't know, that's a winner?

If you can afford it, everyone should have a vice or two.

Again, what's in your head?

Like, that's cool?

I have no problem with it.

A gambling addict?

If he can afford those kind of losses and he enjoys it, more power to you.

Oh, I think it's sick. I think it's a disease sickness.
I think it's gross. Is Michael Jordan a loser? Embrace debate.
This is quite. It's a take.
It's a take. It's a take quake.
Does Michael Jordan being so rich that he can gamble millions of dollars and still be rich,

make him a loser?

I would say absolutely not. I'd say his track record with the Wizards and Charlotte would be more apropos to bring up in calling him a loser.
But still, no, I think it's safe to say that Michael Jordan is not a loser. But hold on, PFT.
What about the fact that his shoes are iconic and still highly sought after 20 years after he played in the NBA and he has probably millions and millions, probably a billionaire in terms of his brand. That surely makes him a loser.
Well, he's also a winner when it comes to being a meme all the time. Yeah, true.
He's become re-relevant. Well relevant well he cried but then he got rid of the cry because he re-memed himself and then in the last episode of the last dance he became a meme again looking down at his phone yes so he could he just can't stay out of the meme life he is he's a memes wet dream so uh it's just such a great take that you you're like hey you know what this jordan thing like everyone's saying he's awesome let's just go the other way and see he's a meme's wet dream.
It's just such a great take that you're like, hey, you know what? This Jordan thing, everyone's saying he's awesome. Let's just go the other way and say he's a fucking loser.
Well, it's good to know he doesn't have to trip the Red Sox or the Bruins or Celtics right now. It's good to know he's still getting his work in when there's sports not going on.
Yes. He's keeping his fiery takes alive.
Is there anybody alive that is less of a loser than Michael Jordan? I don't think there is. I really don't.
No, I don't think so. He is the definition of the word winner.
Yes. Yeah, I would say so.
He's synonymous with winner more than probably any athlete, maybe besides Tiger Woods. It's like Tiger and Jordan, winners.
Tiger took a way more bigger l jordan yeah jordan never won who's now though true that's true still chaps his ass to this day i also have a uh i have an embrace debate from bless you bubba what's going on there bubba um yeah it is actually they updated the symptoms dude um kent sterling who's kent sterling oh now Yeah, Kent Sterling, he's the symptoms, dude. Kent Sterling.
Who's Kent Sterling?

Oh, yeah.

Kent Sterling, he's my guy because he comes out with a take quake every now and again.

When he gets bored, I think he's the guy that has a website that has a whole section called Truth.

That's how you know that a guy is firing some preposterous takes.

Did you see this one?

I did.

Yeah.

So he said, does it make sense for NFL players dealing with the potential for developing cte and other critical injuries to care much about contracting coronavirus i love this take because it's one step closer to the eventual take that a lot of people are going to adapt right which is we're all going to die anyways so who cares about coronavirus yeah what's the point why why why like sit around and be like oh coronavirus gonna get us we're we're all headed for the same place and also this guy definitely does not believe in cte no but he's still dropping it as an argument right it's convenient which is great this is a takesmith it's very smart to then be like hey this is actually how it's gonna work it you can appreciate the beauty in a perfect take and not agree with the person saying yes and and with a guy like kentling, even though he sucks and he's dumber than a bag of donkey shit, he'd still deliver some takes.

An opportunist take to the max.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

All right.

Should we do our Mount Rushmore? All right.

Mount Rushmore of things we think when we're high. Not a flush more.
Not a flush more. Big Cat, you go first.
Well, my first first is not even my first. My first is trying to think of things that I think when I'm high.
That was actually the fourth thing I had on my list. Actually, no, that's my first one.
Trying to think trying to think of things because that's all i'm thinking about right now is like what do i think about when i'm high which is what do i think about when i'm high right if you were high you would be thinking that right right now right this second i'm thinking what do i think you got me yeah but what do i specific situation yeah but like when you're you're not like... No, but it's like he's trying to put himself in a different mindset.
He's like, what do I think about when I'm high and I'm high right now? So it's like inception. It's an idea eating it to the tail.
So the thing of like, hey, what do I think about when I'm high? Well, I'm thinking about what do I think about when I'm high right now. It's true.

And he loves doing it.

It's not general.

It's the only thing in my brain right now.

Literally the only thing in my brain.

All right, Hank.

Also bridges, but we'll get to that.

Hank's spooked by that comment.

Yeah.

He doesn't know.

He's trying to come back.

No, I do.

I get it.

I get it.

I'm going to draw a picture for you.

It's not a general thought that you have when you're usually high,

but in this moment you are and you had that thought, so it counts. So I get it.
My first one, and it's like what I think about, like I'll usually like replay inconsequential conversations or like things. But under the guise of like I'm being interviewed by Joe Rogan or like on a late night TV show.
So it'll be like, oh, like, you know, you nailed your Mount Flushmores of appetizers and like I'll be like, you know, those guys don't get it and then like I'll throw a punchline and everyone will laugh and it's like, that's usually anything when I'm thinking back on what happened, I'm just like I'll think about it like through the guise of an interview. I love that you put yourself in your own little highlight reel.
That's awesome. Yes, that's good.
You're your own biggest cheerleader. I always think it's so weird that I have a wild animal that lives in my house that somehow loves me.
But it's a wild animal that could kill me at any moment. And he's just my friend.
Yep. That's a friend.
Yeah. Isn't that crazy, though? Yeah.
Sometimes think about that. Oh, Hank, you just sparked something in Hank's brain.
This could be, yeah. It feels like you've domesticated nature a little bit.
Yeah, you've tamed it. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Or it's tamed you.
Yeah, or it's tamed you. Oh, who saved who? Yeah, who feeds who every day? Mm-hmm.
Who pays for the other person's rent? Who picks up the other guy's shit um you have two you have two oh i got two yeah

um my second one this is um this is a pretty general one but i think it'll speak to a lot of

people uh this is crazy this is crazy just thinking this is crazy that was crazy that was crazy

this but this right now this is crazy crazy. Liam, make sure you blur this.
Again, that's another... Yeah, I get it.
This is crazy. You don't think about how crazy it is? This meaning life or this current moment? Everything, dude.
Literally everything. Everything can be crazy.
Don't think about it too much. It's crazy.
It is crazy. It's crazy that we're here right now and the state of New York is shut down out of something we didn't know about two, three months ago.
Everything. That's crazy.
Right. Your name's Henry.
That's fucking crazy. That is crazy.
Time. It's been years.
There are six, seven billion people on this earth and somehow we're the ones that ended up in this tiny room together it's crazy one of us could have fucking got hit by a car when we were like 13 and just none of this would have happened that's crazy that's pretty crazy that's wild right it is wild it's that's fucking crazy it's also crazy did any of our ancestors Like our great, great, great grandparents or like some shit like that where it's like,

yeah.

That's kind of weird.

That's crazy to think about.

Yeah.

Do you think about that?

No, I just thought that.

Oh, okay.

Is that your second one?

No.

My third.

Oh, well, no.

My second one is where's my cell phone?

Yeah.

Even though it's usually like, especially when I'm in a car, like it's usually on my lap

and then I can't find it and I step up and it falls off.

Yeah.

That's a good one.

Or like, is that my cell phone?

If you think that you're going buzz yeah yeah that phantom buzz the phantom buzz um that's crazy hank i i uh i have one similar to that hank is when you're really high so maybe not like regular high but like am i wet like am i wet right now? Like, are my socks wet? Yeah. Because maybe not like regular high, but like, am I wet?

Like,

am I wet right now?

Like,

am I socks wet?

Yeah.

Cause they feel like they might be a little wet.

Am I sweaty?

Yeah.

Yeah. Like,

Oh,

like,

did I piss myself a little?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Did I just get out of the shower?

You can always just kind of feel it's like,

ask yourself right now.

As you guys certainly are.

Ever.

Are your shoes wet at all? Just a little bit. If you If you feel your feet? No.
No, really feel your toes. Are they wet? No.
What if you just think about your foot? Like, really wiggle your toes. They don't feel a little wet? No.
All right, mine feels fucking soaked. Hank, I want you to do this.
Look at it and say, do my feet feel wet? And then just give it a second and see if you actually start to think that. Right.

Just really hone in on the feet being wet.

And they're wet.

I feel like I'm walking in buckets.

Everywhere I step, I'm like a cartoon.

It's just like bucket of water, bucket of water, bucket of water.

It's just like your whole body?

No, it just travels.

But the crazy thing is.

Your brain feels wet. I think that's just a sweaty person thing because I don't even think I've ever been...
I'm not sweating at all right now. Yeah, you're dry.
I have another one. I have another one.
I have another one. Am I wet? Am I wet? Am I currently wet? I do oftentimes...
I guess I would just, in a bigger picture, it'd be like, engineering is fucking crazy, man. Like, it's so crazy.
And we just accept it all. Buildings, bridges.
It's... Yeah.
I think the people that... How? How do they build those things? Whose minds are so advanced, and their job is to just put stuff together until it gets huge.
Tunnels? Yeah. Don't you guys think, though, that the people that did it before technology were even smarter? Oh, yeah, dude.
The fucking cities. The bros? The guys being dudes sitting on the steel beam? Yeah.
They built the Empire State Building? Those guys probably weren't the ones that were behind it all. I'm pretty sure a million people died trying to build the brooklyn bridge yeah that's like the old comparing old school nba to today's game it's like back in the 1900s our engineers were more physical right they could actually get like einstein yeah right yeah now these nerds are too soft dude i mean like think of the biggest building think of the building in uh dub.
What about... How? How do they do that? How? What about bridges where the columns go, like, all the way to basically the bottom of the ocean? Yes.
How do they put that shit in there? Dude, how about the bridge in Florida that's, like, seven miles long? Yes. The one that just keeps going.
That one's scary. At some point, a guy was like, I can connect these two things.
He's like, dude, you can't even see it. Right.
That's crazy. That is nuts.
Those are the big bridges where they're so long that you really go up and go down. It's its own mountain.
Right. Yeah.
Those blow your mind. Awesome.
I'm scared of bridges. Me too.
Just, yeah, thinking about bridges and driving over them. I'm on a pretty good spot right now with bridges, like life-wise.
But, yeah, I could see how you could be scared. You watch one Russian trick-walking video and it'll ruin it for the next five years.
I know. I always think about, like, a really long tunnel.
Like, what if you got stuck in a really long tunnel? This one's kind of fucked up. That's way worse than a bridge.
It actually just sparks my imagination. But similar kind of, I guess, to the first one.
But sometimes, like, I think I'm in a Final Dest final destination movie like when i go over a bridge i'm like you just you're like up not only is this bridge going to collapse but it's like gonna a beam is going to come through like the door and like you're gonna fall out everyone else is gonna die like now do you think that i imagine the worst and then i like over like i literally think like when i i was telling someone about this when i was because i didn't hear about Final Destination until I was telling someone about this like oh like like Final Destination I was like what you imagine the script to Final Destination pretty much like parallel minds that's awesome you so yeah did you just think that there was something out to get you that was controlling all these things what do you mean like how did you think that you were did you think that you were living in just the unluckiest timeline where all this stuff could happen to you or did you feel like there was somebody that was trying to kill you no i would just be like high and like how i also have a paranoia of bridges and i'd be like i'm high like this bridge is going down but then i would be like i you think like you imagine how the bridge is going to go down and would you do like the in the back in it like not really the timeline of it but just the concept you look in your rear view and it's just like going down step by step as you stay in front of it. Like Heinz Ward running the kickback in Dark Knight.
That was sick. Illegal block in the back.
Was it? Yeah, if you watch the script. It's egregious.
Was that your saying? That was my third one. Third, okay.
My third one is... Did I just hear something?

I think I hear stuff sometimes.

I'm like, was that something I heard?

No.

Did I hear a squeak? The things, the birds and the...

I just think...

Yeah, yeah.

I get a little startled.

You hear it and then you don't hear it,

but it definitely was there. Yeah, I agree.
I guess I'm solo on that i'm so low on that one no no no i'm with you on that one i'm with you on that one did i just hear something that's definitely like wait what was it yeah huh yeah you can now you see what i'm saying hank i think what we're finding out is hank is just no i agree what do you mean well no you're better you're better like you're better at being high if you don't think you're wet. Yeah, I guess so.
I do think... The here thing is fact.
Yeah. So, wait.
So, we've got you thinking that everything's going to kill you. Wait, we're going to try to remember all these right now? Yeah, because I'm trying to remember where Hank went with all these.
There was one that was... Oh, the Joe Rogan one.
You get interviewed based on your day. That was the best.
That's a great one. What was the third one you've had so far? Final Destination.
Final Destination. Okay.
He wrote the script to Final Destination. My brain is constantly writing the script to Final Destination.
Okay. I'm liking these so far.
Yeah. And then the other one...
Wait. Wait, I got one more.
I got one more. The last one is everyone can tell that I'm high.
Wow. If I'm out in public or like broadcasting something.
Smell, tell, yep. I always just, I think that everyone that I'm talking to is like, wow, that guy's really stoned.
Yes. Yes.
I'd agree with that one. Me as well.
My fourth one, which was kind of sparked by PFT's dog one, is just like basically just all animals and like evolution of like you watch a planet Earth. And when they cover one like mammals, like big cats, and you're like, damn, like at one point, like there was just like two cats.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. And now there's like in like dogs.
Yes. You know, like that way, way, way, way back in the day.
Like there was like two dogs. And now there's like a bajillion different types.
And they didn't look like the dogs that are here today. At all.
At all. They were like the friendliest wolves.
Right. And when they show like wolves are basically like dog, you know what I mean? Like they'll do something where it's like actually wolves are like very like loving creatures and they really like love their families or whatever.
And you're like, oh, wow. Like a wolf is basically a dog, which is basically it's just crazy.
I like that one. I have a similar.
So clearly we all think of animals. But I oftentimes think what what if all the animals actually understood what we were saying, but just just ignored us? It was like understood between all of them.
Yeah. Like what if these people like a mouse can knows exactly what we're saying

right now but they're like no the minute they figure out that we know shit's gonna get crazy and they can't talk back is it do they not want to talk back or they're not like that part i haven't figured out okay but i just wonder like what or if it was like what if they can understand Like a movie where it's like the aliens that they came down, activated it, and then all

that... but I just wonder what if they can understand us like a movie where it's like the aliens that they came down activated it and that would be like I'm pretty sure there probably is a movie where it's like all of a sudden the aliens come and flip a switch or they're like alright all your pets hate you no you can all talk they're all going to interact with you now or what if the pets are are basically like the listening devices for the aliens? Now that.
There you go. They're spies.
Yeah. Pets have infiltrated us.
Up until right now, it was too obvious for all of us to willingly put robots in our kitchen. So we had to do it the old school way with pets.
Right. Just calling them robots is like a heat check for big tech.
They're like, we've worked this out. Can we get them free will? If we can just say, will you put this listening device in, that would be crazy.
Yes. Yeah.
I don't know. Maybe.
I mean, it would. I think we all think about animals.
Yeah. I sometimes think like, obviously, what would my what is my dog think right now? I want to know what my dog would say to me does my dog think i'm lazy right i think about clothes like what happened in that sweatshirt and then you general yeah just like oh remember when i owned that yeah just like where did it go what that actually be really interesting like a 23 and me for your You'd be sick.
Like I had this awesome sweatshirt 15 years ago. I don't know.
Exactly. Do you think you could name like your five? Like I wouldn't, I wouldn't have thrown that away, but, but where is it? No, my shirts, I don't care about my shirts.
But do you think like, if you were to try to go back to like seventh grade and say, these were my five favorite fits was knocking off in seventh grade i don't remember that i think up until like middle school for sure like going into third grade i had some fits that i was like all right like cargo pants hawaiian shirt like right i'm getting buns in third grade i got um i had this sick adidas t-shirt like a big ass adidas logo and not just a regular size one i wore that in eighth grade like every day it was pretty people are like dude that guy plays soccer he was like this guy yeah this guy's this guy's watched european television before yeah adidas was kind of cool like that it's like we do stuff different adidas um all day i dream about browns have you seen that shirt yeah the across the phone yeah it says adidas but then it says s browns would um do we have any other things that we think about when we're high let's see when's the next time that i have to work i do like a countdown yeah and that usually is like oh wait it was actually I forgot I was supposed to be working when I got high right shit I hope they can't tell I'm high I got a bummer one do you guys ever think about like friends or family and you're like I'm only gonna see them it's the Aziz thing he did the his stand up he's like I might only see my parents 50 more times yeah Yeah. Yeah.
I do it like group texts. Or like friends.
Like, damn. Yeah, I haven't talked to him in forever, and it's like, oh, man, like, I was pretty tight with him.
Right, you're like, oh, like, four years ago, but then you're like, damn, that was a long time ago when we were, like, together all the time. Like, it's been a while.
Like, fuck. Shit, man.
I think about life stats, about, like, like somewhere oh yeah there should there should be somebody or there should be a statistical database that can tell me the answers of things like how many times have i tied my shoes in my life yes i was thinking about this the other day how many steps do you think you've taken yeah i would love to know that data and i sometimes look at my son and i'm like dude you haven't even used your feet yet yeah that's crazy you should start counting for him he'll thank you one day if you have a log how do you think so um i was trying to think about it like all right so you'd probably take you take no steps till you're i don't know one and then you probably take a limited amount of steps till you're seven yeah but then you start stepping you step all the the way through when you graduate high school. Think about being a little kid.
There was a lot of steps in the day, like playing. What happens when you graduate high school? Well, then you get lazy.
Some people get jobs. Well, and you go to college, you get lazy.
Yeah. If you get jobs, you might work at a desk.
You step less. I've stepped more in the last five years than I did in the previous five years between high school and college you step more it's a bigger campus well if yeah if you go to college yeah if you go to class i had a moped for a year i just didn't go and then it just broke i just left it but if you're in high school you're expected to walk long distances all the time the second you enter the corporate world no like back when i was walking's frowned upon in the corporate world they want to keep you alive as long as possible suck you fucking dry chain you to that desk we don't want you you're not cage free but yeah we just want chapo trap house we'd walk places we'd walk to like the fucking like i'm gonna walk to the mall that's two hours of my day that I was committing to walk there, hang out, and then walk back.

Once you get to college, if you're not going to class, Big Cat's right, you just chill in your dorm room because you don't have parents yelling at you to get out of the house.

Yeah, but then you're like, yo, we got to go to this party, but we don't, like, we don't have a car.

We're going to walk.

It's like a mile.

Be like drunk.

You're like, yeah.

Yeah.

I just, we, you realize we didn't get anywhere closer to figure out how many steps we're taking. Love you guys away I've been coming for your love of grace Shine it away I've been coming for your love of grace Take on me Take on me Take Take me on Take me on Needless to say I'm upset and I need some living way late I'm learning But life is okay Stay off to me It's better to be safe than sorry Stay off to me It's better to be safe than sorry Stay on me Stay on me Stay on me I'll be on you You don't think I'll go Things I say Is it all I want love Just play my dirty way You're all the things I've got to remember You shine away I'll be coming for you anyway You shine away I'll be coming for you anyway Take on me.
Take on me It's Pardon My Take presented by Barstool Sports.