Writer/Comedian Jensen Karp, Andy Dalton's Goodbye + Things We Think About When We're High

Speaker 1 Hey, pardon my take, listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
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Speaker 1 On today's part of my take, we have comedian, rapper, writer, author, art dealer, Jensen Karp. Something a little different.
I really enjoyed talking to Jensen. It was a good time with him.

Speaker 1 He knows a lot of famous people.

Speaker 1 He has the Hollywood scene down also very cool guy and married to to to panga that's probably the coolest thing that in the no offense jetson but yeah that probably is pretty much put number one but uh we have that we have andy dalton jameis winston we have fire fest of the week and then we're gonna finish the week with the mount rush more of things you think when you're high

Speaker 4 so we'll see how that goes when cool creamy ranch meets tangy bold buffalo, the whole is greater than the sum of its sauce.

Speaker 4 Say howdy, partner, to new Buffalo Ranch sauce only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Speaker 1 At participating, McDonald's. Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 Now in the streets, there is violence.

Speaker 1 And then I love the song of work to be done.

Speaker 1 Look at this behind a low washing.

Speaker 1 And then I can game all on the song. Oh, oh, we're gonna rock down to electric avenue.

Speaker 1 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're gonna rock down to electric avenue. It's kind of tape, taking higher.

Speaker 1 Welcome to part of my take presented by the Cash App. Go download it today.
Get $10 for free. $10 to the ASPCA when you use code Barstool.
Today is Friday, May 1st.

Speaker 1 We fucking did it, guys. We kicked the shit out of April.
Happy May Day. See you, bitch.

Speaker 3 It still feels to me like it's March

Speaker 3 61st.

Speaker 1 April in the dust. We're just chugging along here.
We're chugging along. We're feeling good.
May is going to be easy. We had a lot of showers.

Speaker 3 May flowers.

Speaker 3 We got it made.

Speaker 1 Can't see them.

Speaker 3 Can't go out inside and see them, but they're there what about this cool throwing justin timberlake why it's gonna be my yeah good point i forgot about that nice hey somebody wake up the guy from green day it does feel this is where we're at though now it's uh it every day every time we hit a new month it's like oh okay this happened one in the dust i would like to make a motion that we never speak of this april again Deal.

Speaker 3 Can we just forget about it? You know, like that time conspiracy where they said the years between like 1100 AD and 1300 never happened.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's nothing, nothing. I'm trying to think.
Like, no. Yeah, nothing happened this April.
All right. Well, actually, one thing happened.
I want to read a tweet to you to start the show off.

Speaker 1 Jameis Winston on Zoom call with Saints Media about LASIK surgery said he can now read license plates and street signs that he couldn't read as well before.

Speaker 3 So he's basically a Google self-driving car.

Speaker 1 Helps with blurriness, depth perception, clearer vision. Wow.
That is... Now.

Speaker 3 It's crazy to think that he couldn't read license plates before or street signs before.

Speaker 1 Depth perception. Probably always taking Ubers.
Depth perception. Like, that's a big deal when you're a quarterback.

Speaker 1 I know the well-actually response here that you are not supposed to get LASIC before you're the age of 25. That's like a medical thing.

Speaker 1 You're not actually supposed to do it because your eyes are still growing. That's weird to think that your eyes are still growing.
But that is just a shocking, shocking statement to say.

Speaker 1 I have been playing quarterback in the NFL for the last five years, and I struggle with depth perception.

Speaker 3 He couldn't read street signs. That's a very easy thing to read for most people.

Speaker 1 I'm very good at reading street signs.

Speaker 3 I'm a little concerned. Like, what if Jameis can see too good now?

Speaker 3 Maybe part of the charm of Jameis was the fact that sometimes he would miss a cornerback and he'd say, fuck it, I'm going to bomb it out anyways.

Speaker 3 And then he had good wide receivers that would bring down these chances that he was taking. And so that's what made him so exciting and able to make these crazy throws.

Speaker 3 Like, now, what if he's able to see those cornerbacks and he becomes captain check down? And he's like, I can't believe I used to make those throws.

Speaker 1 Or he sees the rush coming and he gets, you know, scared

Speaker 1 and holds on and basically tucks the ball because he's like, oh man, you know, he's basically been dealing with a situation where he hasn't seen the rush for five years.

Speaker 1 So he feels like he's Superman and can't believe when he gets sacked.

Speaker 3 His eyes are going to be seeing ghosts and it's going to affect his personality.

Speaker 1 That's a wild way to go through playing quarterback in the NFL. The highest paid position in the most popular sport in the world, and you can't see.

Speaker 3 Maybe that's why. I did say world.

Speaker 1 It's not world, whatever. Fuck you, sucker.

Speaker 3 He took $1 million a year. True.
So he's not the highest paid. Hypothetical question.
Would you rather have Jameis Winston for 30 years or Dak Prescott for one year?

Speaker 1 Jameis Winston for 30 years for 30 years.

Speaker 3 Easy. Economical.

Speaker 1 It's crazy how little he's getting paid.

Speaker 1 It's crazy that there are not more teams. And I know he said that there were more teams, but there's no way there were more teams.

Speaker 1 You guys have also, though, fully wrapped your brain around him really being a good coach. Because he's fun.
He's got derangement syndrome. I've accepted I had derangement syndrome.
He's had fun. Had.

Speaker 1 No. Well, you just said it's crazy how much he's not getting paid.
No. Derangement syndrome is the people who think that Jameis Winston is bad.
You have a derangement syndrome. I see the truth.

Speaker 1 But I prove that. You're triggered by James.
I think that he's paid so little.

Speaker 3 No, you're triggered by everything that he does. You're like, blind man, bad.
Jameis is not good.

Speaker 1 Can I recommend a book for you real quick, Hank? It's called

Speaker 1 One.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 the title of it is Jameis Winston Derangement Syndrome, which you have.

Speaker 1 How media bias causes us to overlook the start of a Hall of Fame NFL career. You guys are the media bias.

Speaker 3 No, we're not. If you're saying we pump him up,

Speaker 1 right? You just said, I can't believe he's not getting paid as much because you guys are biased of him being good. And so it shocks you that he's getting paid so little.

Speaker 1 No, you just want to. No, you're deranged.

Speaker 3 You're deranged. That's derangement.

Speaker 1 You actually might have rabies irregardless hank you've got toxoplasmosis you've been hanging out with cats too much i'll go do a sidebar real quick a neurosurgeon hit me up and was like yeah this is a really dangerous thing for someone to have in their brain yeah so don't get don't intentionally get toxic which makes sense for how billy's been acting yes it does uh jameis is not a great quarterback but it is still insane how little he's being paid he's getting paid one million dollars dude chase daniels getting paid what how much is chase daniel being paid how many firefighters and school teachers do they pay if they didn't have the

Speaker 3 Saints could hire, off the top of my head, I don't know, 30 school teachers

Speaker 3 to give that Harvard education at the quarterback position?

Speaker 1 Hank, Chase Daniels being paid two,

Speaker 1 let's see. Oh, he signed a three-year deal for

Speaker 1 $13 million. He's getting paid $2 million this year, okay,

Speaker 1 for the Lions.

Speaker 1 You don't think that the Lions, if Matt Stafford gets hurt, do you think that Chase Daniel or Jameis Winston would have a better chance of possibly winning football games? Jameis. Yes, exactly.

Speaker 3 So he's a more valuable backup.

Speaker 1 He is the guy that if you're,

Speaker 1 listen, if you get to your backup in the NFL, you're almost always fucked no matter what.

Speaker 1 But you'd want at least the guy who has maybe the upside.

Speaker 3 Forget about winning and losing games. Just put yourself in the shoes of an NFL owner.
If you want to sell tickets in case your backup gets in, who do you want?

Speaker 3 Chase Daniel or Jameis Winston, who's no matter what happens, you're going to put him out there and you're going to see something weird that you've never seen before in a football field. Jameis.

Speaker 1 Jameis ingratiated in the Saints system. Yeah, no, he's going to be a genius.
He's getting a

Speaker 3 Harvard education.

Speaker 3 But he had other options. And so he's

Speaker 3 him and Greg Williams had several options to start their own football league together.

Speaker 3 They had just so many options.

Speaker 1 He just turned it down. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So we have that news was shocking, hilarious. Thank you, Jameis, for giving us a laugh when we need one the most.

Speaker 1 And then we have another quarterback who is free to go wherever he wants. Andy Dalton got cut, ending the era for the Cincinnati Bengals, the greatest uniform hair color era of all time.

Speaker 1 And I actually, listen, I could talk myself into Andy Dalton.

Speaker 3 Andy Dalton is going to look real weird in most any other uniform, though, because it had a lot to do with the jersey that he was in.

Speaker 3 Like, imagine Andy Dalton wearing a Dolphins jersey or Andy Dalton wearing a Panthers jersey. Or a Bucs jersey.
It seems weird. Yeah.
Bucks. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I can't picture a good quarterback ever wearing a Bucs jersey.

Speaker 1 Except for Jameis Winter.

Speaker 1 I would take a flyer on Andy Dalton.

Speaker 3 Andy Dalton, I think, is worth it. He's the anti-Jameis.

Speaker 3 He's a good, solid quarterback. He's not going to make too many mistakes.
And if he does, he'll make a tackle. He'll tackle a guy that picks him off.

Speaker 1 Right. And he seems like a guy that

Speaker 1 he's not going to screw up the locker room in any way. You'll probably bring him in.
He's going to be pretty normal. He's going to give you the pump-up speech that doesn't pump anyone up.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think Andy Dalton, I would take a chance on him.

Speaker 3 Patriots might.

Speaker 3 It seems like a good landing spot for him.

Speaker 1 I'd be fine with him.

Speaker 3 You think he's the best Andy of all time? Best Andy athlete?

Speaker 1 Andy Bernard.

Speaker 3 Andy athlete. Andy Roddick.
Andy Roddick, tennis player. Andy Murray, tennis player.

Speaker 1 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 Probably the best ginger player.

Speaker 1 Andrew Jones.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but isn't he like D-R-U-W? Yeah, yeah. I don't feel like that translates to an Andy.

Speaker 1 Best Andy ever.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it could be a Drew. Drew Jones.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Andy Pettit.
Andy Pettit. Andy Pettit's a good one.

Speaker 1 I'm sure we'd think of some more. Yeah, but he admitted that he did right away, so it's cool.

Speaker 3 Only for an injury.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but yeah, he's totally fine.

Speaker 1 Andrew Luck, he's an Andy.

Speaker 3 You think Andy Luck?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. He would definitely go as an Andy.

Speaker 3 Andrew Luck is not an Andy.

Speaker 1 He would definitely go as an Andy.

Speaker 3 Andrew Luck will change his name to Andy for like one weekend of a bachelor party. He's like, let's go a little wild with it, guys.
Andy's coming out. Then he has two beers and dies.

Speaker 1 Andy Luck.

Speaker 1 Andy Luck. I like that.
Maybe he comes back as Andy Luck.

Speaker 3 Maybe, yeah, why not? I think he's probably the best ginger athlete of all time, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Ginger athlete.

Speaker 3 They're all tennis players, too. Jim Currier, Boris Becker.
Max Muncie. They don't even count.
Bill Walton was a ginger back in the day.

Speaker 3 Definitely. Sean White, the flying tomato.

Speaker 1 It's hard to remember every ginger athlete. All right, that's ginger.
Oh, Stroh Miles Swift.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I thought you were talking about the fucking.
Oh, are you talking about the guy? Robert Swift.

Speaker 3 Robert Swift.

Speaker 1 He, like, basically was out of the league within, like, four years. Yeah, but.
Three years.

Speaker 1 Look at his hair.

Speaker 3 Scalabrini. He's just, he should get.

Speaker 1 Look at him.

Speaker 1 Oh, Carson Wentz is technically a ginger.

Speaker 3 Is he a bust?

Speaker 1 Blake Griffin.

Speaker 3 Blake Griffin's not a ginger. No, he's not a ginger.

Speaker 1 He's listed best red-headed athletes.

Speaker 3 You can make an argument that

Speaker 1 Andy Dalton.

Speaker 3 If the season ended today for both their careers, Andy Dalton had a better career than Carson Wentz.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, because Carson Wentz played like three years.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm just saying. So you can't.

Speaker 1 That's not really like a bad thing. But you can't put

Speaker 3 a statement. You can't put Carson ahead of Andy in

Speaker 1 conversation.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 1 he's still,

Speaker 1 his highs were better than Andy Dalton's.

Speaker 1 Mark McGuire.

Speaker 3 He never got the Bills to the playoffs. Actually, you know what? The Bills, to continue this whole tradition of Buffalo, just like

Speaker 3 making Andy

Speaker 3 Andy Dalton a folk hero, the Bills should sign him.

Speaker 1 They owe him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, the Bills for that one year.

Speaker 3 When they got, yeah.

Speaker 1 They already have a stacked quarterback room.

Speaker 1 Big time stacked quarterback room. Jake Fromm.

Speaker 1 And our guy who's got a mustache, by the way. Josh Allen's got a mustache.
He's looking really good.

Speaker 1 People are definitely taking quarantine where they're like, I'm going to take some risks with my facial hair. Yeah.
I don't hate that.

Speaker 1 I don't hate that.

Speaker 1 All right, should we do our Fire Fest and then get to Jensen Karp

Speaker 1 before we do Fire Fest?

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Speaker 1 Hank, Firefest. My Fire Fest, not surprisingly, is all brought back to video games because that's basically the only thing on my brain, in the pie chart of my brain, besides this podcast.

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought it was going to be the PFT Worked You and Ping Pong.

Speaker 3 Nope. Worked is, I mean, it was a gentleman's sweep.
4-1. So it's a gentleman's game.
Yeah, 4-1. I let him have one to keep that confidence going a little bit.

Speaker 1 But, yeah, sorry, Hank.

Speaker 3 I didn't mean to take your Fire Fest.

Speaker 1 Our bad. Well, it wasn't my Firefest.
I was just, you know, our bad, dude.

Speaker 1 But the Twitch chat, who was very active, they basically bullied me because they convinced me, like, I play on a TV with an HDMI, and they convinced me.

Speaker 1 They're like, dude, you got to play with the monitor. You got to play with the monitor.
You got to play with the monitor. It'll make all the difference.

Speaker 1 Finally, it was like, all right, I'm just fucking buying a monitor. And then they're like, oh, well, if you have a monitor, you're not playing on PC.

Speaker 1 Then it's useless. And I was like, this is where I draw the line.
I'm not going to buy a PC. I play video games with a controller.

Speaker 1 Like, I'll never play video games where I'm not playing with a controller. I agree with that take.
Turns out you can have a PC and use a controller with a PC.

Speaker 1 So I got mad at the Twitch chat and then I got dunked on. I dunked on myself.

Speaker 1 And I basically just realized it's just a racket. There's always something else that you don't have, but it's truly like

Speaker 1 it's the tools or it's the person using the tools, not the tools themselves.

Speaker 3 You're exposing yourself as a noob in the video game community.

Speaker 3 And that's tough because I would fall into the exact same trap that you've fallen into if somebody's like playing a PC yeah I always thought wait I have to be like on a keyboard exactly and hitting like K and S instead of B and A that's too much for me so yeah thank you for making that mistake so I don't have to yeah that's you're you're right though video games should be played with a controller yes I don't want to hear anything different and it's bullshit if there's really that much they're like dude it's 10 times better on a PC it's like how

Speaker 1 can they create something

Speaker 1 better

Speaker 1 Yeah, but they're like talking about the frame rate and all this stuff. Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 There's all these things that the computer do that an Xbox can't.

Speaker 3 Don't let them bully you. What about, so when they told you to get a monitor, you were just playing on a TV?

Speaker 1 I was playing, yeah, I was playing like

Speaker 3 so then you bought a monitor to plug into, like plug your video game system into, and they're like, dude, this is the exact same thing as a TV.

Speaker 1 Well, they were like, yeah, well, it's good you have the monitor, but if it's actually not a PC, then like the benefits don't matter as much. So it's like, sick.

Speaker 3 Maybe just like nice things. Right.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 PFT, what's yours?

Speaker 3 Have some chat for Hank. My Fire Fest fest of the week is so i'm dealing with this move moving in two weeks on the 15th of may just found out

Speaker 3 chore city it is chore just found out yesterday that um i'm gonna have to deal with a brand new cable subscription service so i have to relearn every fucking channel i have to even worse than the channel in old age this is how i know that i'm getting watched

Speaker 3 i can't do that because it's not real live sports hank and live sports are coming back they're cut they're coming back they're making the vaccine

Speaker 3 Vejmir, the drug, is working wonders. Dr.
Fauci told me.

Speaker 3 But yeah, not only do I have to learn the channels, but even worse than that at my age is mastering a new remote control. That's going to be like a four or five-month task for me right there.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you're screwed. So I don't know where the red zone channel is.

Speaker 3 The funny thing is, I only use like three channels.

Speaker 1 Yeah, TV.

Speaker 3 But I have to re-remember, I got to wear one of those quarterback wristband playlist things so I can just look at that and know what channels are.

Speaker 1 Well, you're not going to get in shape shape because there's not sports on right now. Like, you're not going to get into channel shape because you aren't using the channels that you should be using.

Speaker 3 Exactly. I'm not disaster.
Right. I'm going to have no reps going into the fall when the NFL starts.
It's like skipping the entire preseason.

Speaker 1 I literally have turned my, like, the only times I've used my TV with cable is on Sunday nights. Like, turn it off, turn it back on next Sunday, and it was.

Speaker 1 No, you're a millennial.

Speaker 3 No, you're not. No, Gen Zer.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Zoomer.

Speaker 1 You're millennial. Zoomer.
Okay, Zoomer. Nope.
Meet me in the Zoom chat.

Speaker 3 My other fire is not. I'm not a millennial, I don't think.

Speaker 1 I think I am. No, I don't know.

Speaker 3 Just Google it real quick. It'll tell you.

Speaker 1 Such a millennial move.

Speaker 3 To Google if somebody's a Zoomer. You're right.

Speaker 1 Millennials. It is.
Happen. When do millennials start?

Speaker 3 When did millennials stop being entitled?

Speaker 1 What year were you born?

Speaker 1 93. Shit, he's a millennial.
Oh.

Speaker 3 You're not like us, though.

Speaker 1 96. No, he's actually more of a millennial than us, probably.

Speaker 1 We're actually pretty much the equals.

Speaker 3 Or Gen X.

Speaker 1 No, 81 to 96. So we're basically on the same ends.
Okay. Like a hardcore true blue millennials like 1989.

Speaker 3 I just divided over whether somebody remembers life without the internet.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's that's when you're a true millennial.

Speaker 1 No, that's that's wrong though.

Speaker 3 We remember it.

Speaker 1 Right, but millennials go to 96. So

Speaker 3 those are late millennials though.

Speaker 1 But I think it's the people who are before us, whatever the fuck that is, they're the ones who fully remember life without the internet.

Speaker 3 That's true. Gen X always remembers life without the internet.
They won't let you forget it either. My other Fire Fest.

Speaker 1 You just tried to do that.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 1 Not let everyone forget that you remember it.

Speaker 3 Correct.

Speaker 1 Because I'm borderline.

Speaker 1 You're a millennial who shows Gen X tendencies.

Speaker 3 Tendencies. Yes, yes.
I'm on the spectrum of X. Got it.
Got it.

Speaker 3 My other Fire Fest is I've got a shitload of dishes now, so I'm getting really bored. I don't have my Twitch video games up yet because we're dealing with some hardware issues.

Speaker 3 So I'm not gaming all the time, unfortunately.

Speaker 1 Did you finish Game of Thrones?

Speaker 3 I am still watching Game of Thrones it's getting good it's getting really good

Speaker 3 so the dishes are because I've got some time in the evenings I'm getting back into cooking now because I used to cook all the time allegedly what do you mean allegedly I've just seen I've seen some conspiracies out there that it might not be you cooking those that I'm not actually cooking interesting I am cooking I put out a couple videos on the old Instagram about it someone put the videos um yeah you're right it's not actually me there's a second or no they were no no they were videos but we don't know if you took them okay I'm taking it's the Trey Trey Wingo situation.

Speaker 3 Yes. This macaroni and cheese showed up at my back door today.

Speaker 3 No, I have.

Speaker 1 You've had macaroni and cheese in the last two weeks.

Speaker 3 Yes. I did.
And I have it all the time.

Speaker 1 I have it all the time.

Speaker 3 So I just Googled Paula Dean mac and cheese. Sorry.
No, I'm cooking, and there's a shitload of dishes. That's the worst part about cooking.

Speaker 1 That sounds like a bad chore.

Speaker 3 It's a terrible chore.

Speaker 3 Now I understand where you're coming from. Yes.

Speaker 3 There's nothing worse than eating an extremely satisfying meal and then looking at the kitchen and just immediately thinking, I'm going to save that till tomorrow.

Speaker 3 And then you wake up tomorrow, and it's even worse tomorrow. And you can't get worse.
Yeah, it's awful.

Speaker 1 If you're cooking, though, you shouldn't have to do the dishes.

Speaker 3 It's true. Leroy helps sometimes.
He licks them off.

Speaker 1 The all right, my Fire Fest, I got two as well. I threw a seven-pick game, whatever.
I suck at video games. Who cares? The other one, though, the real one, is I'm addicted to snacking, girl.

Speaker 3 Wait, are you the Nathan Peterman of video games?

Speaker 1 Didn't you throw like three in a row?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I threw two-pick sixes

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 seven total. I think it was four and three, so I didn't throw a five and a half.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah, that's bad.
That's really bad.

Speaker 3 As long as you spread them out a little bit.

Speaker 1 I'm addicted to snacking girl.

Speaker 1 Cheetos, Pringles, Karama. People are so mad about this.

Speaker 3 I don't know why. Nuggets.

Speaker 1 I think it's what you do.

Speaker 1 What am I craving?

Speaker 1 I am sick.

Speaker 1 I love it. I think it's the nuggets.

Speaker 1 I'm still trying to figure it out.

Speaker 1 The main Barcelon sports account posted it like two weeks ago, right? Correct. And then all of a sudden, there was a groundswell of people being like, delete that video.
It's so cringeworthy and bad.

Speaker 1 And then Chuck, our great social media guy, posted it again. And I guess what happened was he posted.
I'm getting comments on my picture. Yes, he posted it two weeks ago.

Speaker 1 And people on every single Barcelona Instagram post have been commenting, delete snacking girl.

Speaker 1 And so then they posted it again, and it's just chaos. But I legitimately think it's a fire jam by her I kind of like it I like the way she says nuggets and ramen

Speaker 1 play it again and we do be snacking yeah people be snacking I be snacking

Speaker 1 I'm probably gonna tweet the podcast tomorrow with this video just to see how many replies I can get. That's just engagement.
People are so mad about it. And I love it.

Speaker 3 I got one. I got one on Instagram.
Delete the snacking girl.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I posted the snacking girl on my Instagram as well. And then as soon as I posted something else, everyone was like, this doesn't make up for the snacking video.
Like, we know what you did.

Speaker 1 So I love it. There was actually a change.org that had 750 signatures.
Well, it's crazy. Delete the snacking video.

Speaker 3 What's crazy is that for this video in particular, that's posted by our new social media guy, Darren Revelle.

Speaker 3 So if you want us to delete the snacking girl video, you have to comment on his Instagram and tell him to delete the snacking girl.

Speaker 1 Dude, speaking of,

Speaker 1 I think I was pretty sure I was just reading.

Speaker 3 Hot seat Rick Riley, because Darren Revelle has the creepiest

Speaker 3 Kate Upton post of all time.

Speaker 1 He's a scout. Just reading this.
He's a scout. I've always prided myself on being ahead of the curve, trying to spot the next trend.
This ranges from investments to people.

Speaker 1 Which, for Darren, that's the same thing.

Speaker 3 Yeah, investment. People are money.
Yes, right. And corporations are people.

Speaker 1 I've told the story about scouting Jeff Bagwell, then a rookie in 1999 to come to my bar mitzvah. Kids at the time were confused why a Mets fan was having an Astros player at his party.

Speaker 1 Well, no one on the 1999 91 Mets made the Hall of Fame. Bagwell did.
Owned us there. Dude,

Speaker 3 that is the most Darren Ravella thing of all time to invite a rival player to your bar mitzvah because you actually think he'll be better.

Speaker 1 Also,

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 I get what he's trying to say is, like, I get to look back and say, Bagwell is my bar mitzvah. But at the time, everyone was like, who the fuck is this guy?

Speaker 1 Like, who's Jeff Bagwell?

Speaker 1 So he did the same thing, long story short, with Kate Upton. He said, but I've never really told the story of bringing Kate Upton to the White House correspondence dinner.

Speaker 1 You should have just stopped there.

Speaker 3 I was reminded of it because

Speaker 1 it was happening nine years ago today. Kate and I met in December 2010, a year after I had anchored a prime.
It just goes on and on. But essentially, he's taking credit for Kate Upton's career.

Speaker 3 He discovered Kate Upton when she was a lowly sports illustrated swimsuit model

Speaker 3 that everyone knew about.

Speaker 1 He couldn't get into any of the parties. The moment that will stick in my head from that night was the fight to get into the Vanity Fair party.

Speaker 1 We obviously weren't on the who's who list, but we got some help from Kate's SI colleagues, Brooklyn Decker and Chrissy Teigen.

Speaker 1 Two and a half years later, after landing the SI swimsuit cover twice, Vanity Fair needed a model for their 100th anniversary issue. Who did they pick?

Speaker 3 Christy Brinkley. You know what my fairy? No, wait, Kate Upton.
You know what my favorite part of this story is by far?

Speaker 3 That they go to the Vanity Fair party, they don't get in, and Darren Revell thinks the reason they didn't get in was because he was with Kate Upton. Right.
And it wasn't because of him.

Speaker 1 It wasn't because you were probably saying, I will call my lawyer if you don't let me in this. I have an invite right here.
I paid money for it. Uh-huh.

Speaker 3 God. Renactment of the circle.
Renactment of the Dorman at that party. Yeah, Mr.
Revelle, we definitely have you on this list. You are scheduled for the VIP.
We've got you for table service.

Speaker 3 Who are you with? Who does she know here? She's very attractive.

Speaker 3 Darren, you can get in, but Kate Upton, I don't know if we have room for it.

Speaker 1 We've never heard of her. She's the striking young lady who's very, very attractive.
Nope, sorry.

Speaker 1 When has an attractive woman never not been able to get into a party?

Speaker 3 Never. Darren.
She could be homeless.

Speaker 1 He probably doesn't even realize that. Like, he does not realize that hot girls always get into parties.
That's the rule one of a party. Yes.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Okay. Let's get to.

Speaker 3 Imagine being Darren's wife and reading that Instagram post. And the funny thing is, like,

Speaker 1 were you planning on bringing that up? No.

Speaker 1 I mean, I saw it. I saw it earlier in the day, and I was like, holy shit.
I can't believe he actually wrote this novel novel about being able to scout human beings.

Speaker 3 The funny thing is for most couples, most married couples, this would be like a very tough post for the wife to read and be like, hey, why are you flexing on going on a date with Kate Upton?

Speaker 3 But I think that we all know that Darren Revelle posting this... literally has nothing to do with him wanting to have sex with Kate Upton.

Speaker 3 It's just him trying to flex on everybody and being like, I recognize that this woman was going to be very attractive when she was younger.

Speaker 1 I have a great eye for talent. Do you think if I like became president of the United States, he would do a post and be like, I realized he was going places.

Speaker 1 That's why I let him beat me 11 to nothing in pickup basketball. That's why I created a Twitter account for his unborn son.

Speaker 1 No, I let him wipe the floor with me and make me look like the most unathletic person in the world.

Speaker 3 He would post that picture of him from like sixth grade wearing the tuxedo and write a LeBron style younger Darren Revelle thanking older Darren Revelle for future discovering Dan Cass.

Speaker 1 Unreal. He is one of a kind.
I actually think this is more, like, this is actually him getting back, though. Yeah.
Like, this is what I need this Ravel, not the fucking loser Ravel narking on people.

Speaker 1 Like, this is actually funny because it's kind of quirky, a little endearing in a weirdo way.

Speaker 3 The times that Darren Ravel is the least cool is when he's trying to be the most cool, and the times he's the most cool is when he's being the biggest nerd. Right.

Speaker 3 All right, let's. Schrodinger's nerd.

Speaker 1 Let's get to Jensen Carp.

Speaker 1 Great interview with Jensen coming up.

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Speaker 1 All right, here he is. Jensen Karp.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on very special guest. It is Jensen Karp.
He's a writer,

Speaker 1 comedian, rapper, art dealer, producer, podcaster. I guess the first question is, like, how did you get so cool?

Speaker 7 No, because that makes me sound like a true douchebag. Because like the more multi-hyphenity, it's the truth is, I just have done stuff I like doing.
So it just, Wikipedia just puts them all together.

Speaker 7 But in truth, at my core, I'm just sort of a writer.

Speaker 1 I think it's the art dealer that makes it put you into douchebags.

Speaker 3 Let's talk about art dealer. Are you like a super villain or where does that come in?

Speaker 7 Yes, I'm always petting a cat. I always am thinking about killing your parents.

Speaker 7 No, I, years ago, I was, I was signed to Interscope as a kid when I was like 19 years old. Jimmy Ivan gave me a ton of money to rap, even though I look like an accountant.
And

Speaker 7 the deal fell through. It didn't work out.

Speaker 7 I was a failure at having this record deal, but I had all this money from it. And I wanted to start a business, not just buy video games and comic books for the rest of my life.

Speaker 7 And so I opened an art gallery on Melrose here in Los Angeles called Gallery 1988. And it focused on art me and you would like, not like pompous $30,000 pictures of like a yellow dot.

Speaker 7 Like it was all pop culture related. We've done stuff with Major League Baseball.
We've done deals with like Lost and Breaking Bad. Like it's pop culture art.

Speaker 7 So if anything, it's more of a t-shirt business than an art business.

Speaker 3 Okay, I like that. Yeah, just call it a t-shirt business, except it's on canvas.

Speaker 1 That's pretty cool. And I I did like that you said like art that we would all like.

Speaker 1 Like, you don't, I was just, I thought you were going to say, like, yeah, you know, there's like bulldogs with like a king's crown on it. Nipples.

Speaker 3 There's a lot of

Speaker 1 bare breasts.

Speaker 7 Yeah, all my art that I sell says keep calm and carry on.

Speaker 3 Okay, good. Yeah, any sort of variation on that slogan, I'm in.

Speaker 1 Live, laugh, love on a wood board.

Speaker 3 Or if you're like Banksy, just put a gas mask on any cartoon character. Boom, million dollars.

Speaker 7 We've all dated someone who has like a Marilyn Monroe picture up, right? Because that's the most basic bitch.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. It's terrible.
Oh, yeah. It's the worst.
It's that one and the

Speaker 1 freshman dorm starter pack of Bob Marley, John Belushi, and the two women kissing.

Speaker 3 And the Pink Floyd with their backs that are all the albums.

Speaker 1 Yes, the worst. That's art.
That's the worst. That's the art you're selling.
Okay, I got it. Oh, got it.

Speaker 3 Bootock Saints posters. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Got it.

Speaker 7 Good, good fellas posters.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 All right, so you mentioned the record deal, but let's go back a little because

Speaker 1 you were a child actor, too, right?

Speaker 7 A failed child actor, yes.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you've, this is two, now two things you failed at. I like this.
We're keeping score. So we're going to give you a final tally of your merit at the end of this podcast.

Speaker 7 Yes, I was a child actor here in Los Angeles, and I was on a television show called Kids Songs, which was basically Barney Without the Dinosaur, which takes away all the cool parts about Barney.

Speaker 7 And we would just sing like, you know, it's a day at the picnic or like, you know, my meatball has left my plate, like dumb nursery rhyme songs.

Speaker 7 And that was basically the extent of my whole acting career, which is ironic because I have married Danielle Fischel, who played Topanga on Boy Meets World.

Speaker 7 So we have sort of like the two dynamic polar opposites of child actor dumb. It's like one who couldn't not take a job and me who like couldn't find a job.
Right.

Speaker 1 So wait, who, who, now, being a child actor, was that...

Speaker 3 Your parents wanted to get you into it?

Speaker 1 Or were you just like, I want to be a child actor? I want to, you know, get a crippling drug addiction in my mid-20s and bottom out. Like, I want this.

Speaker 7 I'm so into the Corey Hayne lifestyle. Uh, no, my parents, my dad was a car salesman.

Speaker 7 Uh, and my mom was uh basically, she worked in like uh, I say advertising, but truthfully, it was like the Penny Saver magazine, but her own she made from home.

Speaker 7 So, we were very middle class, not a ton of dough, and no connection, zero. And so, I just was a precocious kid who liked performing and convinced them to act.

Speaker 7 And then, when I didn't want to act anymore, I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. And they said, Good, because we hate driving out to the city every day.
Uh, and so that was it.

Speaker 1 That's That's like the perfect child acting career.

Speaker 3 Like, I tipped your toes in it, but you got out before it fucked you up permanently.

Speaker 1 I like that. I've been thinking, like, so I have a son who's 10 months old.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, if I could get him into one movie when he's like four and then never act again, just so that like it's a pickup line he can have at the bar when he's 25, that would be perfect.

Speaker 1 You did that.

Speaker 7 I did.

Speaker 7 My wife clearly has seen some dark stuff in her career of acting and like, you know, was friends with like Brad Renfro and like stories, you know, know, Brittany Murphy, stories that are so sad.

Speaker 7 And she was, and I have a 10-month-old as well. And when we had him, she was, yeah,

Speaker 7 I'm sure they look exactly the same if your baby looks like Marv Albert.

Speaker 1 And so people are like what do you have the ball gag and everything? No, no. The cooler part of Mark, he just, he just yells from downtown over and over again.

Speaker 7 The hair, yes.

Speaker 7 He uh, so we were like, we'll never let him act. My wife was so against it.
And then every day we looked at him and we're like, he should be in everything.

Speaker 1 Like, we're going to try to get him in.

Speaker 7 Like, it's such a fake out that you think you're not going to try to get him into acting. And then you do.
And you're like, oh, he's beautiful. He needs to be on the Sopranos tomorrow.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Well, how does that work? If you get into something when you're 10 months old and it does really well, do you get residual checks on that for the rest of your life?

Speaker 7 Oh, hell yeah. But I think it goes under your, like your trust name or something.
You don't, they don't like give it to your baby bank account. I think they make sure your parents get it.

Speaker 7 And then it, yeah, but for the rest of your life, you would get it. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 I would gamble all of that.

Speaker 3 So if you're like a baby Jenny from Forest Gump, when she's getting on the bus and she's like, you can sit here here if you want, that line, she's still getting checks in her mailbox every day.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's Olson.

Speaker 7 That's that Olsen twin money, man. The Olson twins with that like, cut it out or whatever dumb shit they said.
I think they still get paid off DVDs and streaming sale.

Speaker 1 So do you have residuals?

Speaker 7 No, Kitsong made us sign away our residuals, which is the best, most slave labor thing they could have done.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Wait, so your mom growing up, you said that she ran her own penny saver. She did her own zine, which was for like, she clipped the coupons and then sent those coupons out to her friends.

Speaker 1 No, no, that was a good one. She was a coupon.
Your mom and catch coupon.

Speaker 7 Yeah, she, no, she typically had a zine. It just wasn't talking about like Black Sabbath.
It was like where you can get cheaper Italian food.

Speaker 3 I love that. That's great.
And so you ended up marrying Topanga. I think that's a lot of kids' dreams.
Did you actually watch Boy Meets World growing up? Did you have a crush on her?

Speaker 7 No, I never see, I've never seen it. Fuck you.

Speaker 7 No, I swear. We went to high school together.

Speaker 7 So we knew each other growing up. We were acquaintances and pals.
And I knew she was famous. I knew she was on a show.
But our high school was, I don't know.

Speaker 7 Now it's like, you know, Calabas is high. You know, it is like Drake and the Kardashians or whatever.
But at the time, it was just kind of like this new money haven. I didn't live there.

Speaker 7 I lived in a city next door and we pretended we lived there so I can go to school at a better school.

Speaker 7 And I knew she was famous and I knew she missed school for months, but I had never seen the show until we started dating and she showed me two episodes.

Speaker 3 So did you date her in high school?

Speaker 7 No, we were just acquaintances.

Speaker 3 That's crazy. And so you ended up reconnecting later on.

Speaker 1 Wait, yeah.

Speaker 3 After you got famous enough for for her to be seen with, she was like, Yeah, I guess we can give this a shot.

Speaker 7 Most likely.

Speaker 7 I would go do a radio appearance or something for my book I released or whatever it is. And they would say, Where'd you go to high school? I'd say, Calabasis.

Speaker 7 They go, Oh, you know who was just in here. And that would happen over and over again.
So I we had each other's contacts or whatever. So I would write her.

Speaker 7 I'd see her at Comic-Con if she was doing an appearance or whatever and just say hello. And we were always just pals.
And then when you turn like 35, you're like, why didn't I date that cool person?

Speaker 7 And then that all happens.

Speaker 1 So, wait, so you watched your first two Boy Meets World episodes after you guys had been dating? Yes. Did you feel like a creep?

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 7 She showed me two episodes. She showed me, I don't know if you know the show well, but she showed me.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know it very well. Yeah, we're children of the 90s.

Speaker 7 Okay, so I'm 40, so I'm a little, I'm more stayed by the bell. I missed it by months, I think.
Okay. And

Speaker 7 so I had watched one that's the Halloween episode, which is very scream-based and it's great. It's got Jennifer Love Hewitt in it, very funny.

Speaker 7 And then we watched one where Will Fredel, his character, joins a cult.

Speaker 7 And that one's, I wouldn't say it's quote unquote good, but it's good because it's ridiculous.

Speaker 7 And those two were great. And I just saw it as like, this is ridiculous 90 sitcom.
I'm not like, that's my wife.

Speaker 3 Yeah. So you're not watching.
You're like, you look cute, I guess, would be the right word.

Speaker 7 No, I mean, her whole life is very funny.

Speaker 7 Like, we have this thing we do right now called Scorantine, where we give away things that we have in our house to people on Instagram Live if they answer trivia questions right.

Speaker 7 And it has us going into the garage and looking for prizes every week, you know?

Speaker 7 And we found like, I wish I had it here, but we found LA Brides magazine, which she was on the cover of in a, in a, in a bride's outfit at 16.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. That's so weird.

Speaker 7 And we found this, which is,

Speaker 7 it's called Grinders, and it's a rollerblading VHS, say this way, rollerblading VHS with her and Ryder, and they're the hosts of it.

Speaker 7 Oh, so it's like, you'll go in the garage and find like these crazy 90s time capsules, but to her, she's just like, I don't know, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

Speaker 7 And I'm like, put it on the bookcase.

Speaker 1 What are they doing putting a 16-year-old in a wedding dress on the cover of a magazine?

Speaker 7 Dude, Hollywood was insane.

Speaker 1 I mean, it still is. It is, yeah.
That's what I was saying. It is.
Pay attention to the dailies. Then it was even crazier.
Is it?

Speaker 1 I actually have like a long time running phobia of California teenagers. Do you think, like, what is the essence of a California teenager?

Speaker 1 I always just think that they're cooler than the rest of the country. And like, California teenagers surf and do drugs and have sex before everyone else does.

Speaker 1 Do you think that that's a completely made-up thing in my mind? Or there's some merit in that?

Speaker 7 No, there's some merit in it. I mean, I was kind of a dweeb.
I was very, I'm still kind of square. My wife was square.
We were both kind of like, as much as you think she was like, you know.

Speaker 7 chilling at the Chateau Marmand at 12 years old, she wasn't.

Speaker 7 But, you know, like, I don't, I remember going to like tribe call quest shows when I was in late middle school, high school and seeing Leo DiCaprio backstage like smoking weed.

Speaker 7 And I was like, oh yeah, I'm not like him at all. I, I, like, I think they just lived a different lifestyle.
I was like making sure my mom didn't page me, so I was late.

Speaker 3 But at the same time, you were also backstage.

Speaker 7 No, no, no, no, no. I was a general, I was general admission looking on to backstage.
No, I never, I, I didn't have any connections like that.

Speaker 1 But there's a lot of culture. I think American culture starts in California in this weird way that you guys are

Speaker 1 oftentimes, I mean, even right now, I feel like all the TikTok stars and Vine stars are living in some weird mansion where I'm just watching and be like, Where the fuck are your parents?

Speaker 1 Like, how are you doing this?

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's a question I have a lot. Uh, I think, you know, I remember for a while when Vine was hot, they there was this apartment complex on Vine that they all lived at.

Speaker 7 And I was like, number one, that kind of irony should not be even used. Like, it's too ironic.
They should just burn the house down. Um, but yeah, I don't understand.
I guess, I guess we've met them.

Speaker 7 Like, Danielle and I have been in situations, a charity event or something, or she's friends. She was on this TV show called Girl Meets World, which was like a reboot of Boy Meets World.

Speaker 7 And so she was on a television show that had young kids on it, like Sabrina Carpenter and sort of like the new Hollywood, now they've went on to be in bigger things.

Speaker 7 And we hang out with them every once in a while. And I couldn't feel less, I feel like a narc.

Speaker 1 Right. Right.

Speaker 7 Like I'm literally like,

Speaker 7 hey, cool kids. Like I like literally I'm holding the skateboard and everything.

Speaker 7 It's not for me. I'm scared of it as well.

Speaker 1 And then you see us and you're like, these guys are fucking losers. So it's like, like, now I feel like another person.

Speaker 3 But Big Cat's on to something.

Speaker 3 Like, there's so many times, and we've only been out in California a couple of times since we started the show, but we'll be driving down the street, and I'll think to myself five times in a minute, you should be in school.

Speaker 3 That kid should be in school. Why isn't that kid in school?

Speaker 1 Why is he scared? What is he up to?

Speaker 3 That kid's nine. That kid's eight, and he's smoking a cigarette.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But that looks pretty awesome.

Speaker 3 I kind of want to smoke now, too. He could beat myself.

Speaker 1 Like him. Yeah.
I just hand my jewel over to him. Yeah.
Like, you take it. Or he'd steal it from you.

Speaker 3 I read that you're a big LA Clippers fan. Is that true? I am.

Speaker 1 Sadly, yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, big come up for you in the last year. So congrats on that.

Speaker 3 Who is the most famous? Alex, you phrases it this way. What's it like knowing that you will always be the second most favorite or famous Clippers fan to the kid from Malcolm in the Middle?

Speaker 7 Frankie Munes was a huge Clippers fan, but I have been going to games before Munez was old enough to be at games.

Speaker 7 So I am used to obviously the Billy Crystal comparison or Kadim Hardison, who was a very big Clippers fan back in the day. But now you go and it's like Jay-Z and Lil Wayne.

Speaker 7 And I've seen Drake at games. I mean, it's, it's literally, it's almost become the ticket compared to Lakers games.
So I, I don't act like it's like the band that now plays Coachella.

Speaker 7 And I, I was into them when they were, you know what I mean? Like I don't play that game. So I'm happy that it exists.
I'm happy that they're a great team.

Speaker 7 I mean, I just, I always wonder when they're talking shit about other teams. I'm like, you guys know how this ends, right?

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 7 I've been here for 30 years. Like we have to not.
gloat because this is going to come back together.

Speaker 1 Even even just now, you said you're happy they're a great team.

Speaker 1 And it's like, obviously, we, we don't know what would have happened at this year, but they've literally been a great team for like three months. And you could even argue that

Speaker 1 that's up for grabs. I mean, Kawhi is unbelievable.
We hate the Clippers for what they did to Blake Griffin, our friend. Sure.

Speaker 7 By the way, my friend as well. I've worked with him more than any player.
He's my favorite Clipper of all time. I did many things with him from the SPs.

Speaker 7 We did a very weird live read of Space Jam here in Los Angeles where he played Michael Jordan. Like we, I've, I've done a lot of comedy with him, and it hurt my feelings.

Speaker 7 That's almost why you're hearing a little bit of of that from me. Yeah.
Is that I was such a big Blake guy and DeAndre as well. And so this is a new look Clippers.

Speaker 7 I will always feel a connection with the laundry, obviously, but Blake leaving was a big deal for me. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So you are a little bit of a clipster, which I would actually be if I were in your position too, to be like, hey, I remember these old days when things weren't so great and I was here all the time.

Speaker 3 Now we got Kawhi, we got PG.

Speaker 3 Do you think that the NBA is coming back?

Speaker 7 Well, I do this podcast now called the No Sports Podcast.

Speaker 1 Seamless segue, dude. Thank you.

Speaker 7 Thank you. I've been doing this since kid songs, as you know.

Speaker 7 The No Sports Report, which is a podcast that I do where I interview athletes while they're in quarantine, trying to figure out what they're doing. And I'll tell you this.

Speaker 7 I have talked to people like Colin Sexton and,

Speaker 7 you know, basically, I talked to Jay Williams about his weird cruise ship idea where he thinks everyone's going to be playing on a cruise ship.

Speaker 1 Awesome idea. No bad idea.
Awesome idea.

Speaker 7 You guys are a true improv class.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're in for that. No, we, when people were sitting on that idea, we're like, what was he wrong about? Eastern conference cruise a Western conference cruise.

Speaker 3 There are things that he could, you could point out a lot of public health issues why he was wrong. But we don't want to say no to anything yet.
There are no bad ideas.

Speaker 3 Until someone comes up with the perfect idea, let's keep spitballing. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Let's yes and everything.

Speaker 7 I am not, I do not feel they're coming back. I think that the ideas that are being thrown around sound like

Speaker 7 they're just pitches.

Speaker 1 But hold on. You're saying that because you have a podcast where you exclusively interview athletes that are in quarantine.
So you have a vested commitment here

Speaker 1 to be like, hey, sports canceled forever. Tune into no sports podcast.

Speaker 7 So you're telling me, hold on. So you're telling me that you think you read that MLB story today about 100 games or whatever, all in conference,

Speaker 7 home stadiums. That sounds like the most fictitious.
It sounds like what happens after a bombing in 24.

Speaker 1 Here's where I'm at with it. I think we're fucked.

Speaker 1 until the NFL season starts because if there's one thing that we know as sports fans, the NFL doesn't really care about player safety. So I think they'll come back and then everyone will follow suit.

Speaker 7 I do like the idea that no matter what happens in sports though, at the end of the year or at the end of our own existence, it will just be cockroaches and pro wrestling.

Speaker 1 Yes.

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And now, more Jensen Carp.

Speaker 1 Yes, and you're a big pro wrestling fan. Actually, I have a bone to pick with you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You had my dream job for six months, and I was listening to an interview you did earlier when I was walking my dog, and you said you didn't like it.

Speaker 7 So you were a writer for monday night raw for six months yeah and you're like yeah i didn't really like it and i i wanted to punch my phone when i heard it wasn't that i did no i like the job i mean listen i was in situations i would have died to do when i was 12 years old i would have loved to tell hacksaw jim duggan to yell ho louder like that was like my my literally if i had to write out what my job dream was at 12 that's it uh but but truthfully it's just traveling man i don't think you guys i i feel like i have something with you guys in a sense of traveling to three cities a week and sleeping very little and it's just, I felt less creative by the day.

Speaker 7 And I mean, it's a circus, man. It's a true circus.

Speaker 3 Why do they make you travel to every city, though, if you're writing for the show?

Speaker 7 Well, I was there in 2005. I've heard it's slightly different than now.
They have a home team and a traveling team. But back then, we were writing right till the last minute on the plane in the arena.

Speaker 7 So, like, they would have us working and producing with the wrestlers right till the, so literally, we went on air. So, that was part of the writing job: also producing on the spot.

Speaker 1 I understand that aspect because when you do travel, it does like sap your creativity. When you're sleeping in different hotels and getting on planes, you just don't feel as creative.

Speaker 1 Do you, did you ever sit in a room with Vince McMahon?

Speaker 7 Oh, I was on the plane every day with him.

Speaker 1 We would

Speaker 7 go on the private plane.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Did you ever sneeze in front of him?

Speaker 7 No, but I saw people sneeze in front of him.

Speaker 1 What happened? They're dead?

Speaker 7 Honestly, I wouldn't be shocked if they just came up into a river right now, as you said their name, like you're speaking, like the Undertaker, like you could just pop up.

Speaker 7 No, he just looks at them like they're the grossest thing in the world and like sort of like he even like mimics like the like the like they're snot on him like wiping it off i'm like it was just like a pantomime bit but he also ate steak sandwiches every day do you know that story no

Speaker 7 he eats these pieces of steak in a tortilla with ketchup every day every day Every day. I never saw him eat anything else.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 3 What are they just like bear? Just bear meat inside the tortilla. We're not talking

Speaker 3 any sort of salad or any vegetable inside?

Speaker 7 Like skillet pieces.

Speaker 1 Did he ever look at you and be like, you know what would really help? It's a fucking round of HGH, dude?

Speaker 7 I guarantee you, he looked at me every time and he just went, what a Jew.

Speaker 1 Every time.

Speaker 7 He had to have looked at me. He always kind of respected me.
I think he always respected me because my dad, right before I left, was like, you should buy a really nice suit.

Speaker 7 I was like, Dad, I have no money. He's like, I'll loan it to you.
My dad didn't have any money either. But for some reason, we scraped together dough and I bought a very nice suit to go out there.

Speaker 7 And Vince, the first day, was like, nice suit.

Speaker 7 And I think from there, he just like thought I had a lot of money.

Speaker 1 Because you wore it every day. Yeah, you're a suit.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You're like, this is the kid with the the suit.
I was telling you. I haven't washed it yet.

Speaker 1 Here's the Jew in the suit.

Speaker 1 That's going to be so intimidating, though, flying on a private plane with Vince McMahon. I would freak.

Speaker 7 Yeah, it was crazy. I've told this story recently and it weirdly made a lot of press, but I was always scared to fall asleep on the plane because Vince would throw almonds at people who fell asleep.

Speaker 7 And I didn't, I like, was kind of felt like it was bullying, but I also liked Vince. So I was like, I'm okay with it.
But I still never like fell asleep once.

Speaker 7 It could be like two in the morning and I'm like shaking with my eyes wide open, like

Speaker 7 clockwork orange.

Speaker 1 He's got a bazooka of almonds ready to go.

Speaker 3 I feel like I read something about him doing that with Jericho at one point. Like Jericho would fall asleep on a plane and he would just like stack stuff on his body.

Speaker 3 Vince McMahon just doesn't like it when somebody loses control of their own body around him, whether it's sneezing, yawning, sleeping.

Speaker 3 You name it. It's weakness.

Speaker 1 It's a weakness.

Speaker 3 Yes. So is there a storyline that you came up with when you were a writer for WWE that they came back to you and they said, no, that's too outlandish.

Speaker 7 Yeah, I had a,

Speaker 7 I thought you were just gonna ask the ones I did, which are stupid too. But but the one that I brought them, I like this kid who was in developmental.

Speaker 7 At the time, you know, we have like minor leagues, now it's NXT, whatever. It's totally different.

Speaker 7 But back then, we had like a triple-A system, and we would go down there every once in a while and work with them, and then come back and be like, We really like this guy.

Speaker 7 Like CM Punk, who's become become a friend out of that system, that I would go there and be like, I love this dude.

Speaker 7 Um, but there was another guy there named Chet Jablonski, and I think he's like a bouncer now. I don't think he, I know he's not in wrestling anymore.
And he was like this Polish kid.

Speaker 7 And I had helped craft this idea with him where he's a super fan. And so he would, he would like know, he knew everything about pro wrestling in real life.

Speaker 7 So if he was put up against someone, he would know all their stats, want to take a picture with them, like do all this stuff. But then as soon as the bell rang,

Speaker 7 he would he would beat the shit out of them. And then when the bell rang again, he would then take pictures with them down on the ground.
Like it was, it seemed like a great place to start.

Speaker 7 And they were like, no.

Speaker 7 And then I followed up with an idea for a character named perry hotter which was this very small wrestler who who would have who thought he was anyway you don't want to hear that one no both of yeah both those ideas both those ideas were very bad chet the jet icon right now i like jablonsky jablonsky that's just a good bouncer name if that's what he is that's like what he was born to do yeah

Speaker 3 chet the jet was his other character yeah yeah jablonsky i i like the idea of somebody beating the shit out of an opponent because they know their history of matches and moves so well yes that they know exactly how to defeat them so who's your favorite wrestler of all time You can't say CM Punk because you said you were good friends with him.

Speaker 7 Yeah, my favorite wrestler of all time. That's a good question.
I think,

Speaker 7 I mean, I don't know. My answer is so corny, but

Speaker 7 I guess it's

Speaker 7 so hard for me to say because I really don't love anyone. I think they're all just kind of like

Speaker 7 you see. I guess, listen, Owen Hart's incredible.
He was great. I mean, I know the saddest death of all time, so it's hard to bring up, but I just always loved Owen.

Speaker 7 I thought he was funny, and he was also just a good wrestler and kind of tough and could tell a joke.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 And The Rock is the greatest. I mean, obviously.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Stone Cold.

Speaker 3 Tough to disagree with Rock, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Both great. Those are, those seem like givens.
Yeah.

Speaker 7 You know, I took, I took your boy Roan to a wrestling event.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, I wanted to bring that up. Um, I don't care about going you going to a wrestling event with Roan.
You, your bachelor party had uh

Speaker 1 CM Punk, I think Paul Shear

Speaker 1 from the league and a million other things. John Mayer, ever heard of him? And Adam Farone.
Adam Farone, yes.

Speaker 1 Did he fit in? Tell us something embarrassing. Did he fall asleep? Even though we know Roan is like the coolest guy ever, so I'm sure he did fine.
But tell us something embarrassing about Roan.

Speaker 7 Well, we did go to a wrestling event. That was what kind of like my bachelor party was in Chicago.
And Roan was great. He had never really done anything like wrestling before.

Speaker 7 And he was just jazzed and taking tons of social media photos and just having a great time.

Speaker 7 And then we all, we had rented like a bus bus to go to the event and we all walked back to the bus and we, we didn't know where Roan was. He was gone.
And we waited 30 minutes for Roan.

Speaker 7 We had, we were going to leave without him. We had no idea where he was.
And like you said, it's like John Mayer being like, where's your friend Adam Farone?

Speaker 7 And we found out that Adam made friends at like a nearby gym. There was like a high school gym nearby and he smoked weed with them and then he got back on the bus.
But he made us wait for 30 minutes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, that sounds exactly right.

Speaker 3 You can drop Roan off in any sort of environment whatsoever. He'll be just fine.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's the best.

Speaker 1 So, all right, so settle this debate for me because I co-host a radio show with Roan, and he has, after every after every bachelor party, everyone has that, like, group text message that's fired up for the bachelor party.

Speaker 1 Then it's the, hey, where are you, Roan? Like, why are you smoking weed with ice woods? And then after it peters out, a couple days, whatever.

Speaker 1 Do you think that if Roan texted John Mayer out of the blue, would John Mayer respond?

Speaker 7 We have a text text message that still runs.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 anyone been kicked off?

Speaker 7 No one's been kicked off. And I will tell you this.
I will tell you this. It recently got renamed to the Roan Appreciation Group.
Okay. Because we were all very into

Speaker 7 Storm Chasers.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. Yep.

Speaker 7 And I posted it being like, this is really funny. And everyone got really into it.
And I believe, though I would have to find it and screenshot it and send it to Roan so you guys could see it.

Speaker 7 I believe John wrote, this is the greatest thing I've ever watched.

Speaker 1 Incredible. Ooh, interesting because that idea actually was my boss and I came up with that idea like five or six years ago.
So I'm going to say John Mayer complimented me.

Speaker 7 Technically, it's yours then.

Speaker 1 Yeah, even though I could never have done it, and Ron and Killeb are

Speaker 1 way funnier than I am. I'm going to say that's a half compliment from John Mayer to me.

Speaker 3 Take it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, take it to the bank. Did I hear that you're friends with Mark Hoppis?

Speaker 7 Yes.

Speaker 7 Yes.

Speaker 3 So is Mark feeling like a real big idiot knowing that Tom DeLong got the United States military to release all these photographs and videos of UFOs?

Speaker 7 I will tell you this. I had a morning radio show until just four days in the pandemic.
We were like kind of publicly fired.

Speaker 7 It made a bit of mainstream here in Los Angeles on a channel called K-Rock, which is like a legendary rock station. And one of my last interviews was

Speaker 7 with Tom DeLong.

Speaker 7 And we were, it's such a great quote. And I wish he was on air.
It was off air, but we were taking photos with him at the end. And

Speaker 7 one of my co-hosts said to him, do you ever ever get tired of people telling you you're crazy? And he said, They don't do it anymore. And he's like, But they did for many years.

Speaker 7 And he goes, It's been a couple good years to be Tom DeLong. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it really has. And that's total vindication.

Speaker 7 Yeah, it felt like it felt like a really nice. I mean, I'm, I guess there is a Team Mark, whatever.

Speaker 7 There's not really a Team Mark, Team Tom, but at one point, it was kind of like that division in the band.

Speaker 7 But I think at this point, everyone just has to say, Tom DeLong, though it comes from a crazy medium, clearly is onto something.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think

Speaker 3 I think that band meant so much to so many people that, yeah, some people took sides during the whole divorce. But for the last five years, everyone's just been like, please get back together.

Speaker 3 We just want them back together for the kids.

Speaker 7 And I think that's the end of it. Didn't we make, well, I mean, not make, but I mean, we turned Mark onto Roan's pop punk band, Pup Punk or whatever.

Speaker 1 He was part of it. We made him tweet at it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we made him tweet.

Speaker 3 There you go. Sweet circle of life.

Speaker 1 Yeah, all these circles getting connected here.

Speaker 1 You also have a book. Let's talk about that real quick.
So the book is called,

Speaker 1 What was the name of the book? It's Kanye West Owes Me $300?

Speaker 7 Yeah, Kanye West owes me $300.

Speaker 7 It's the story about how I had this record deal. That's just one story.
The Kanye West thing is kind of a clickbait title.

Speaker 1 That's a great title. That's maybe the greatest book title ever.
I know I haven't read it because I don't really read books, but I've thought about reading it.

Speaker 7 That's good enough for me.

Speaker 7 And yeah, and the book just tells the story about me being a teenage rapper who gets this record deal at Interscope and then having a bit of a mental breakdown in the midst.

Speaker 7 um and it was a failure in my mind for a long time to sort of like something i wouldn't want to address and then i kind of sat down and wrote out this book and i felt uh i felt my own vindication my own tom delong ufo vindication about it and and felt really good getting it down and and uh people have sort of connected with it in the sense that you know all of us have sort of hit a dead end and this is uh a tale of me not finishing but instead making like a u-turn Okay, I like that.

Speaker 3 So just the process of you sitting down and writing it actually made you feel better and helped you move on from that point?

Speaker 7 A hundred Not even like a question. I mean, I spent 10 years in therapy talking about how I want to get rid of this thing.
And then I wrote a book and now I enjoy talking about it.

Speaker 7 It's a completely different experience for me.

Speaker 1 Did Kanye ever hit you up?

Speaker 7 No, but.

Speaker 1 But he listens to this podcast, so we'll tell him.

Speaker 7 He's a big part of my take, guys?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 7 I know he's a big pizza review guy.

Speaker 1 I'm shocked to hear part of my take.

Speaker 7 No, he, okay, so when I was getting ready to promote the book, I had an idea and this, these two companies offered me $5,000 each.

Speaker 7 And we were going to say, if someone can get Kanye to give me the $300, we'll give you $10,000. And that was like such a funny idea to me.
Like, give me $300, I'll give you $10,000.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 7 And it was such a funny, great, you know, like he's always around. Like, you could just go up to him and get the 300.
Like, I thought it was just like a funny bit.

Speaker 7 And the book company was like, well, call your lawyer and see if it's okay. So I call my lawyer and my lawyer's like, no, that's a terrible idea.

Speaker 1 Like people get killed.

Speaker 7 People get killed for way less than $10,000.

Speaker 1 That is so dumb. That's true.

Speaker 7 It's so dumb. And so I didn't think of that.
And so

Speaker 7 I told a couple people that idea. And one guy goes, you know, you can just ask him.
And I go, okay, you know, like laughing. And he goes, because he's just right in there.

Speaker 7 And he, and he just points to a door. And I go, what are you talking about? He's like, he's in there.
He's taking a meeting. And I go, he's in that room.

Speaker 7 And I go, yeah, I go, I'm not going in there to tell him. And they go, well, why don't we pitch him it and we'll let you know.
I think he's going to want to do it.

Speaker 7 And I go, well, listen, I haven't seen him in 10 years, but the Kanye I know would never do this. This is a, this is against everything.

Speaker 7 They go, I think he's going to do it. I go, all right, well, I'll go home and you call me, whatever, let me know.

Speaker 7 a couple hours pass they don't call me i email them they don't call me back it becomes like 8 p.m and i get a call my phone they go yeah kanye's not into it i go yeah no man i told you he wasn't gonna be into it and so kanye said uh i'm happy to hear the gents is doing well but you know i don't i feel like it's manipulative and i was like yeah no it's totally exploitive and manipulative that's the whole joke um and uh and then he tweeted uh he tweeted something along the lines of it's a paraphrase but that same day about four hours before he tweeted don't use me for any of your marketing schemes and i was like yeah that's definitely about me.

Speaker 3 Oh, you got sub-thrup by Kanye West. I feel like that's worth more than $300.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, most likely. Tell you what, the book was already printed.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 We'll have Glenny Balls put, like, pay him $300 into one of his Booze and Burgers reviews. And when Kanye watches that, then we'll incept him into paying you.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Huge fan. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Huge fan.

Speaker 3 I read that you lasted 45 days on a freestyle competition on the radio. Is that true? Is that 45 straight battles? Yeah,

Speaker 7 that's how I got my record deal.

Speaker 7 I was on a radio show here in LA, Power 106, and it was just like a dumb regional radio contest. You guys had it in New York as well.
It's called the Roll Call. Like Ed and Dre used to do it.

Speaker 7 And it was just like dudes rap battling back and forth. It's just the stupidest regional radio, but I used to take it pretty serious and just kill people.

Speaker 7 Like even if they were like 11 years old, I just would destroy them.

Speaker 7 I didn't care. I just thought it was funny.
And then, yeah, the most wins before me was like 10. And then I won 45.
And I left, I was at USC, going to USC at the time, and I had to go do finals.

Speaker 7 So I just was like, I can't do this anymore. And Jimmy Iveine was there basically when I walked off and gave me the record deal.

Speaker 7 That's why Ron and I get along so well is we kind of have similar origin stories.

Speaker 3 45 days. Do you ever run out of words?

Speaker 7 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 How many times? Absolutely. How many times did you rhyme Bacardi with party over the span of 45 days?

Speaker 7 There's a story in the book, and it's totally true, is that I was freestyling and rapping because they would also make me rap after the battles. They go, okay, now you go.

Speaker 7 And I'm like, I just did the guy. And I have to do it again.
And so I one day was like, and I know this next line is going to cause a bunch of beef. And I was like, I don't have anything.

Speaker 7 I don't have anything. And that's like such a promise.
That's like such a promise. You know what I mean? Like this next, oh my God.
Like they, and everyone's like,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean?

Speaker 7 Like they're like a baited, bated breath to hear this next line. And I go, I would rather die than ever do a song with Tyrese.
Oh, which like, which was just a stupid, it just rhymed with beef.

Speaker 7 I don't even, I don't even care about Tyrese. I think he's corny, but like whatever.
And

Speaker 7 everyone laughed and everyone was like, oh my God. And then I did it again the next day because I thought it was funny to just keep picking on Tyrese.
And then eventually, he called in the station.

Speaker 1 And was he like, What the hell is this guy doing to me?

Speaker 7 Yeah, he wasn't happy, yeah, because I pretended I knew him and stuff. I basically were like, What do you? They were like laughing.
They're like, What do you have against Tyrese?

Speaker 7 I was like, Hell no, like, I was totally joking around. And then he called in, he's like, Why does he hate me? Is there some story? He was like, Real into it.

Speaker 7 And I, I, like, a bitch, was like, No, there's nothing. I made it up.
It just rhymes with beef.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you owe me $500, Tyrese. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you ever battle-rapped against Roan?

Speaker 7 Yes, we battled. Uh, well, I had a TV show called Drop the Mic on Turner, and I hired Roan as a writer because I thought he was just tremendous.

Speaker 7 And he, I mean, if you don't hire him to do it, who do you get? Right.

Speaker 7 And Sharone came out. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 7 Listen, I love Sharone as well.

Speaker 1 No, fuck Sharone.

Speaker 1 Fuck Sharone.

Speaker 7 Listen, both nice kids.

Speaker 1 We ride with Roan. Yeah, fuck Sharon.

Speaker 7 Listen, Adam Frone went to my bachelor party.

Speaker 1 We know where I ride. Yeah.
Okay. Well, let's say fuck Sharone.

Speaker 1 Listen,

Speaker 7 Roan comes out and he uh is writing with us and we hire haley baldwin who at the time is not famous uh at all she's unknown she's just i guess she's baldwin's kid and we thought she'd be great and pre-bieber all that stuff and she needed to do a test and so we needed to put her out in front of the cordon audience at the james cordon late late show to see if she can handle being in front of an audience and so roan and i decided we would write battles against each other as the test and and haley would introduce me then roan and whatever and i took it very serious.

Speaker 7 So I sat down and wrote all my stuff out. Roan wrote his stuff out, but also I'm his boss.
Yeah.

Speaker 7 So like it makes for like a terrible situation. So the first time I destroyed him, I got him great in the first test.

Speaker 7 And then we had to do another test and he had rewritten his stuff and he killed me.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 Kind of a serious question about that.

Speaker 3 Like if you're battle rapping against one guy that works for you and it's part of his job to write these battle raps and you just eviscerate him and you treat him like a donkey and you, you know, you just beat him down are you worried that he's gonna like sue you obviously not with roan but like with another type of employee what type of uh contract do you have to get somebody to sign for that well i mean if you want to get really insight baseball about this uh do you yeah sure yeah absolutely there was a lawsuit that you guys should should definitely uh research if you want to have fun the friends writer's room had a massive lawsuit uh from a writer's assistant, I believe, because of the things that they said back and forth.

Speaker 7 And it ended up that the writer's assistant lost because the writer's room is considered a place for like safe haven creativity.

Speaker 1 This is our contract. If I'm why everyone blasted us, because we had the friends clause in our contract at Barstool, being like, we're in a creative spot, like jokes get made.

Speaker 3 If we say that Hank can't get an erection, you know, for three years running, totally as a gag, it's a joke. It's a joke.
It's a joke. Hank can't do anything about it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
And so that's, I think that's pretty much how Hollywood runs at this time.

Speaker 7 So I don't get, but I had my wife on the show. My wife battled Jonathan Lipnicki, the kid from Jerry Maguire.
Yep. And it was very cute because the writer's room,

Speaker 7 I was, I think I was the head writer at that time. And the writer's room dropped off the lyrics and they go, I don't know, man.
We found these outside at a tree. It was under a tree.

Speaker 1 They're all about your wife, man.

Speaker 7 And it was just jokes they wrote about my wife.

Speaker 7 But listen, I come from a place where rap battling is all jokes, man. I mean, same as you guys breaking balls.
Like, it's just, I mean, that's how you know you like someone. Right.

Speaker 1 It's true. It's true.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 7 This has been awesome man the no sports podcast uh you like it's called the no it's called the no sports report no sports report technical name yeah do you guys stick to sports during the no sports report or do you not talk about any sports we talk about sports but we also mostly focus on things like like we had sugar ray leonard on and we talk a little bit about boxing but also i talked to him about what a meetings are like in quarantine because these people can't meet up and talk about not drinking and stuff and i to Al Harrington about his weird weed business you know and Gavin Lux we talk about what shoes he's buying on stock X.

Speaker 7 You know, like we, we don't have to talk about what's on the field. We talk about just what we're doing in this weird time.

Speaker 1 And you started this as soon as coronavirus started. So do you feel like you're exploiting coronavirus?

Speaker 7 Yeah, all the money does not go.

Speaker 7 I was going to make a joke about money not going to charity, but it actually does.

Speaker 1 It goes to heating America. Fuck you.
Heatingamerica.org. Are you serious?

Speaker 7 Yeah, it really does.

Speaker 1 You got to take like 10% off the top, though, right? This is what art dealing does for you.

Speaker 1 Give your money away.

Speaker 7 No, I mean, listen, the money does go. And we just partnered up with iHeartRadio, which we're really excited about.
And

Speaker 1 that was bullshit what you just did. Because you're like a genuinely good guy.

Speaker 1 That made you feel bad. Yeah, we were busting balls, and you just took it.
You went over the top on us. And you're like, yeah, actually, I do give it all to charity.

Speaker 7 Don't worry, man. We're in a creative context.
I can't take it out on you. Damn.

Speaker 3 Do you also hate Blake Griffin? Like, we kind of secretly do because

Speaker 3 he's so good at sports and so funny and such a good actor. It just pisses you off because he's so inadequate.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he's also Blake of the Year.

Speaker 7 So he wrote, we did the SPs when Drake was the host that year. I was the writer on that year.
And Blake and Drake did a sketch together called Blake and Drake.

Speaker 7 And no matter what we wrote for Blake, he would just say something funnier in the moment. It was like, he should be writing comedy for a living, but he's coincidentally just very good at sports.

Speaker 3 He's the man. Yeah, when you're writing

Speaker 1 basketball.

Speaker 3 When you were writing for Drake, was he like, hey, this is perfect because I don't write my own stuff normally.

Speaker 7 At that time, I think we all thought he wrote his stuff.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 7 okay. But I listen, I watched him write stuff.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 He's

Speaker 1 another. What is it? You physically watched him write it? Yes.
Okay. We got confirmation.
Okay. Wow.
I saw him write raps.

Speaker 7 Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay. That's huge.
With your own two eyes.

Speaker 7 With my own two eyes. He wrote, dude, it's also another great YouTube dive.
He did a song called No or Side Pieces for the SPs that year about this song's not for your number ones.

Speaker 7 It's for your number twos. And he wrote most of that.
I wrote some of the jokes as well. So did Bashir and Diallo, two great writers.

Speaker 7 But yeah, Drake, man, he was a musical little genius with it. I watched him do it.

Speaker 1 Okay. All right.
All right. All right.
You stand up.

Speaker 3 You gave him his best lines.

Speaker 7 No, I don't think I gave him his best lines. But if that gives me the DJ air horn from you guys, I will take it.

Speaker 1 I wrote all his best lines.

Speaker 1 Jensen, this has been awesome, man. We really appreciate you joining us.

Speaker 1 You're welcome back anytime. Everyone, go check out the No Sports report where he just gives all his money away while we sit here just keeping all of our money.
You're a better person than us.

Speaker 1 You're giving away

Speaker 1 trinkets from your garage and you have like 17 adopted dogs and all this stuff. So you're just the best, man.

Speaker 3 Are you still paying your dog walker?

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm not. No, now

Speaker 1 we are.

Speaker 1 Well, well, well.

Speaker 7 He's been furloughed.

Speaker 1 Well, that is fucking

Speaker 1 good jobs. You're like the fucking Sixers.

Speaker 7 No, man. By the way,

Speaker 7 furloughed was also a pun, just for the record.

Speaker 1 No, I

Speaker 7 do want to say that I think

Speaker 7 you guys, is everyone still working for you guys? Is everyone still coming in?

Speaker 1 No, we're not. No, we literally are the only people that come in like twice a week, but no one.

Speaker 7 I mean, it's kind of amazing you guys work at a media company that hasn't done anything.

Speaker 3 Well, people are still making content. They're doing stuff from their houses.
No, that's what I mean.

Speaker 7 That's what I'm saying. I'm saying, like, it's incredible that people are still making content.
He's not like furloughing people and not letting go of people.

Speaker 1 Correct. Like, you guys are still doing great.
Yeah, we're very lucky. They don't write that story about us.
The haters don't write that story. No,

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 7 Well, I appreciate it for one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we basically just find different ways to

Speaker 1 create magical worlds. Nothing's real anymore.
No. PFT's dog broke the Gronk news.

Speaker 1 I'm

Speaker 1 the offensive coordinator for USC. I saw that.
Yeah, so like nothing's real anymore, but we've created a fabricated side life that now sustains everyone.

Speaker 3 It's going to be weird coming back to it. We spent like an hour on Twitch the other day watching the DVD logo bounce around on a screen.

Speaker 1 It's stupid, but it's good.

Speaker 1 I did.

Speaker 7 I watched a little. Are you guys watching any of the baseball stuff or no?

Speaker 3 What baseball stuff?

Speaker 7 Like the show tournament?

Speaker 1 Oh, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 3 I thought we were talking about the Taiwanese stuff where they have the cardboard cutouts.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 7 I forgot how deep you guys go. No, no.

Speaker 7 I'm more service level just watching, you know,

Speaker 7 Dennis Smith Jr. or whoever play.

Speaker 7 But yeah, no, whatever. Watch horse, watch whatever dumb shit you guys are.

Speaker 1 No, horse sucks. Horse sucks.
Horse sucks. Horse is terrible.
Horse was terrible.

Speaker 7 And it showed you how big Mike Conley's gym is. What a joke.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
He should be a better shooter.

Speaker 7 He should be a better everything with that gym. He should be a better dad.

Speaker 1 He should be a better friend.

Speaker 1 I think he's actually a really good guy. We've got him on the show.

Speaker 3 He's your guy. He's just

Speaker 1 rich as hell.

Speaker 7 Okay. You guys hate Blake Griffin, but love Mike Conley.

Speaker 3 No, we also love Blake, but there's.

Speaker 3 You know, you always have to look sideways at a guy like that that's so much better than everybody at everything. Yes, true.

Speaker 1 Yes. Um, all right.
Well, Jensen, thank you so much, man. Really appreciate it.

Speaker 7 Thank you, guys. Uh, big fan.

Speaker 3 Thanks, man.

Speaker 1 What's up, guys? It's Big Cat here, making my Irish entrance with proper number 12 Irish whiskey. How do you make an Irish entrance, you ask?

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Speaker 1 So get out there and make your Irish entrance. Anything else just wouldn't be proper.
Okay, let's do a quick segment before we get to our Mount Rushmore. First up, we have Embrace Debate.

Speaker 1 Is Michael Jordan a loser?

Speaker 1 Should we play the audio? All right, so Hank sent us this,

Speaker 1 and it's quite a point by Mike Felger.

Speaker 8 I think that it's one of those things where, like, yeah, you know, in his way, is he making money or not? And I don't know if he is or he isn't, but I think that's the way he judges.

Speaker 8 And now he's probably individually competitive still.

Speaker 9 I think Jordan's turned into a loser is what I think. I think as a player on the floor, ultimate winner, great competitor.
I'm not taking anything away from him there.

Speaker 9 As a man, in this stage of his life, he feels like a loser to me. I mean, he's an absolute disgrace as an owner, loser as an owner.
And what's his personal, like, what's his gambling situation?

Speaker 9 Does he still have a gambling problem? I don't know. That house looks pretty awesome to me.

Speaker 9 Good question. I don't know.
So what does that mean, Murray?

Speaker 9 I don't know. Like, based on watching this thing, he looks like he's living large.
He doesn't come off as a loser to me. Well, but no, but does he have a gambling problem?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 8 Probably still. I don't know that he would ever shake that.
I just, he might be one of the few guys, though, that that will never catch up with.

Speaker 8 There were, I think that, doesn't he still make something absolutely absurd from Nike every year?

Speaker 9 Yeah. But, but, but if he loses millions of dollars a year at a blackjack table, I don't know, that's a winner.
If you can afford it, everyone should have a vice or two.

Speaker 9 Again, Mario, like, what's what's in your head? Like, that's cool.

Speaker 9 I have no problem with it. A gambling addict? If he can afford those kind of losses and he enjoys it, more power to you.
Oh, I think it's sick.

Speaker 9 I think it's a disease sickness.

Speaker 9 I think it's gross.

Speaker 1 Is Michael Jordan a loser? Embrace debate. This is

Speaker 1 quite...

Speaker 1 It's a take. It's a take.
It's a take quake.

Speaker 1 Does Michael Jordan being so rich that he can gamble millions of dollars and still be rich make him a loser?

Speaker 3 I would absolutely not. I'd say his track record with the Wizards and Charlotte would be more apropos to bring up and calling him a loser.

Speaker 3 But still, no, I think it's safe to say that Michael Jordan is not

Speaker 1 a loser. But hold on, PFT.

Speaker 1 What about the fact that his shoes are iconic and still highly sought after 20 years after he played in the NBA and he has probably millions and millions, probably a billionaire in terms of his brand.

Speaker 1 That surely makes him a loser.

Speaker 3 Well, he's also a winner when it comes to being a meme all the time.

Speaker 3 He's like,

Speaker 1 he's become

Speaker 1 re-relevant.

Speaker 3 Well, he cried, but then he got rid of the cry because he re-memed himself. And then in the last episode of the last dance, he became a meme again, looking down at his phone.
Yes.

Speaker 3 So he just can't stay out of the meme life.

Speaker 1 He's a meme's wet dream.

Speaker 1 It's just such a great take that you're like, hey, you know what? This Jordan thing, like, everyone's saying he's awesome. Let's just go the other way and say he's a fucking loser.

Speaker 1 Well, it's good to know, like, he doesn't have, you know, the Red Sox or the Bruins or Celtics right now, and it's good to know he's still getting his work in when their sports not going on. Yes.

Speaker 1 He's keeping his fiery takes alive.

Speaker 3 Is there anybody alive that is less of a loser than Michael Jordan?

Speaker 3 I don't think there is. I really don't.
No, I don't think so. There's nobody.
He is the definition of the word winner.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would say so.

Speaker 1 He's synonymous with winner more than probably any athlete, maybe besides Tiger Woods. It's like Tiger and Jordan.
Winners. Tiger took a way more bigger L.
Jordan.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Jordan never won who's now, though.
True. That's true.
Still chaps his ass to this day.

Speaker 1 I also have a I have an embrace debate from. Bless you, Bubba.
What's going on there, Bubba?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is, actually. They updated the symptoms, dude.

Speaker 1 Kent Sterling.

Speaker 3 Who's Kent Sterling? Oh, yeah, Kent Sterling. He's my guy because he comes out with a take quake every now and again when he gets bored.

Speaker 3 I think he's the guy that has a website that has a whole section called Truth. That's how you know that a guy is firing some preposterous takes.
Did you see this one? I did.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so he said, does it make sense for NFL players dealing with the potential for developing CTE and other critical injuries to care much about contracting coronavirus?

Speaker 3 I love this take because it's one step closer to the eventual take that a lot of people are going to adapt, which is we're all going to die anyways. So who cares about coronavirus?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's the point?

Speaker 1 Why sit around and be like, oh, coronavirus is going to get us? We're all headed for the same place.

Speaker 3 And also, this guy definitely does not believe in CTE. No.
But he's still dropping it as an argument. Right.
It's convenient.

Speaker 3 Which is great. This is a take Smith.

Speaker 1 It's very smart to then be like, hey, this is actually how it's going to work.

Speaker 3 You can appreciate the beauty in a perfect take and not agree with the person saying it. Yes.

Speaker 3 And with a guy like Kent Sterling, even though he sucks and he's dumber than a bag of donkey shit, he'd still deliver some takes.

Speaker 1 An opportunist take to the max. Yes.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Should we do our Mount Rushmore?

Speaker 1 All right, Mount Rushmore of things we think when we're high.

Speaker 3 Not a flushmore.

Speaker 1 Not a flushmore.

Speaker 3 Big cat, you go first.

Speaker 1 Well, my first first is not even my first. My first is trying to think of things that I think when I'm high.

Speaker 3 That was actually the fourth thing I had on my list was.

Speaker 1 Actually, that's yeah, that's no, that's my first one.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, trying to think of things I think.

Speaker 1 Because that's all I'm thinking about right now is like what do I think about when I'm high which is what do I think about when I'm high

Speaker 1 right if you were high you would be thinking that right right now right this second I'm thinking what do I think you got me yeah but this

Speaker 1 is a specific situation yeah but like when you're normally high you're not no but it's it's like he's trying to put himself in a different mindset he's like what do I think about when I'm high

Speaker 3 and I'm high right now so it's like inception it's an idea eating so the thing of like hey what do I think about

Speaker 1 when I'm high? Well, I'm thinking about what do I think about when I'm high right now. It's true.
He loves doing it. It's not general, but it's high.
It's the only thing in my brain right now.

Speaker 1 Literally the only thing in my brain.

Speaker 1 All right, Hank. Hank so bridges.
No, we'll get to that.

Speaker 3 Hank spooked by that comment. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He doesn't know he's trying to come back to you. No, I do.
I get it. I get it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to draw it.

Speaker 1 It's not a general thought that you have when you're usually high, but in this moment, you are. You had that thought, so it counts.
So, I get it.

Speaker 1 My first one, and it's like what I think about, like, I'll usually like replay inconsequential conversations or like things,

Speaker 1 but under the guise of like I'm being interviewed by Joe Rogan or like on a late night TV show.

Speaker 1 So, it'll be like, oh, like, you know, you nailed your, your Mount Fleshmores of appetizers. And, like, I'll make that.
Yeah, I'll be like, you know, those guys don't get it.

Speaker 1 And then, like, I'll throw a punchline, everyone will laugh. And it's like, that's usually anything when I'm thinking back on what happened.

Speaker 1 I'm just like, like, I'll think about it like through the guise of an I love it.

Speaker 3 I love that you put yourself in your own little highlight reel. Yeah, that's awesome.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's good.

Speaker 3 You're your own biggest cheerleader. Um, I always think

Speaker 3 it's so weird that I have a wild animal that lives in my house

Speaker 3 that somehow loves me, but it's a wild animal that could kill me at any moment, and he's just my friend. Yep, that's a good friend.
It's yeah, isn't that crazy though? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Sometimes think about that.

Speaker 1 Oh, Hank, you just sparked something in Hank's.

Speaker 3 This could be, yeah. Feels like you've domesticated nature a little bit.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 you've tamed it. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Or it's tamed you.
Yeah, or it's

Speaker 1 who?

Speaker 3 Yeah. Who feeds who every day?

Speaker 3 Who pays for the other person's rent? Who picks up the other guy's shit?

Speaker 1 You have two.

Speaker 3 You have two. Oh, I got two.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 My second one, this is

Speaker 3 a pretty general one, but I think it'll speak to a lot of people.

Speaker 3 This is crazy. This is crazy.
Just thinking, this is crazy. That was crazy.
That was crazy.

Speaker 1 This

Speaker 3 but this

Speaker 3 right now, this is crazy.

Speaker 1 Liam, make sure you blur this

Speaker 1 again. That's another.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I get it. This is crazy.

Speaker 1 You don't think about how crazy it is?

Speaker 1 This meaning like life or this current moment?

Speaker 3 Everything, yeah, stuff can be crazy. Literally, everything can be crazy.

Speaker 1 You don't think about it too much. It's crazy.
Yeah, it is crazy.

Speaker 3 It's crazy that it's crazy that we're here right now and like the state of New York is shut down out of something we didn't know about two, three months ago.

Speaker 3 That's crazy. Right.

Speaker 1 Your name's Henry. That's fucking crazy.
That is crazy.

Speaker 1 Time.

Speaker 1 It's been years.

Speaker 3 There are years. Seven billion people

Speaker 3 on this earth, and somehow we're the ones that ended up in this tiny room together.

Speaker 3 It's crazy.

Speaker 1 This is really wild.

Speaker 1 One of us could have fucking got hit by a car when we were like 13 and just none of this would have happened. Or like

Speaker 1 what like what were our

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 3 It is wild. It's

Speaker 1 fucking crazy.

Speaker 3 It's also crazy.

Speaker 1 Did any of our ancestors ever interact? Like our great-great-great-grandparents or like some shit like that where it's like, yeah.

Speaker 3 That's kind of weird. That's crazy to think about.
Yeah. Do you think about that?

Speaker 1 No, I just thought that. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Is that your second one? No, my third. Oh, well, no, my second one is, where's my cell phone?

Speaker 1 Yep. Even though it's usually like, especially when I'm in a car, like it's usually on my lap and then I can't find it and I step up and it falls off.
Yeah. That's a good one.

Speaker 3 Or like, is that my cell phone? If you think that you feel a buzz, yeah, yeah, that happens.

Speaker 1 Phantom buzz. The phantom buzz.

Speaker 3 That's crazy, Hank.

Speaker 1 I have one similar to that, Hank, is when you're really high. So maybe not like regular high,

Speaker 1 but like, am I wet? Like, am I wet right now? Like, are my socks wet? Yeah. Because they feel like they might be a little wet.

Speaker 3 Am I sweaty? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, oh, like, did I piss myself a little? I don't know. I don't know.
Like, did I just get out of the shower? You can always just kind of feel it's the same thing. Ask yourself right now.

Speaker 1 I certainly are.

Speaker 1 Ever. Are your shoes wet at all? Just a little bit?

Speaker 1 If you feel your feet?

Speaker 1 No, really feel your toes. Are they wet? No.

Speaker 3 What if you just think about it?

Speaker 1 Like, really wiggle your toes. They don't feel a little wet? No.

Speaker 1 All right, mine feel wet. Look at it.

Speaker 3 Hank, I want you to do this. Look at it and say,

Speaker 3 do my feet feel wet? And then just give it a second and see if you actually start to think that. Right.

Speaker 1 Just really hone in on the feet being wet, and they're wet.

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm walking in buckets.

Speaker 1 Everywhere I step, I'm like a cartoon. It's just like bucket of water, bucket of water, bucket of water.
It's just like your whole body. Are you wet? No, it just travels.

Speaker 3 But the crazy thing is your brain feels wet.

Speaker 1 I think that's just a sweaty person thing because I'm never, I don't even think I've ever even. I'm not sweating at all right now.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you're dry.

Speaker 1 I have another one. I have another one.
I have another one.

Speaker 3 Am I wet?

Speaker 1 Am I wet? Am I currently wet?

Speaker 1 I do oftentimes, I guess I would just, in a bigger picture, it'd be like

Speaker 1 engineering is fucking crazy, man. Like, it's so crazy.
And we just accept it all. Buildings, bridges.

Speaker 1 It's...

Speaker 1 Yeah. I think that's just

Speaker 3 whose minds are so advanced and their job is to just put stuff together until it gets huge. Tunnels.

Speaker 1 yeah. Don't you guys think, though, that the people that did it before technology were even smarter? Oh, like

Speaker 1 the cities and rows, the guys being dudes sitting on the steel beam, yeah, that built the Empire State Building. Those guys probably weren't the ones that were behind it all.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure, like, a million people died trying to build the Brooklyn Brits, yeah.

Speaker 3 That's like the old comparing old school NBA to today's game. It's like back in the 1900s, our engineers were more physical, right? They could actually get out there,

Speaker 1 yeah, right.

Speaker 3 Yeah, now

Speaker 3 these nerds are too soft, Dude.

Speaker 1 I mean, like,

Speaker 1 think of the biggest building. Think of the building in Dubai.

Speaker 3 What about...

Speaker 1 How? How do they do that? How?

Speaker 3 What about bridges where the columns go like all the way to basically the bottom of the ocean? Yes.

Speaker 1 How do they put that shit in there? Dude, how about the bridge in Florida that's like seven miles long? Yes. The one that just keeps going.

Speaker 3 At some point, a guy was like, I can connect these two things. He's like, dude, you can't even see it.
Right.

Speaker 1 That's crazy. That is nuts.
Those are the big bridges where they go, where they're like so long that you really go up and go down.

Speaker 3 It's its own mountain.

Speaker 1 Right. Yeah.
Those

Speaker 1 blow your mind.

Speaker 3 Awesome. I'm scared of bridges.
Me too. Just, yeah, thinking about bridges.

Speaker 1 I'm on a pretty good spot right now with bridges, like, life-wise, but yeah, I could see how you can be scared.

Speaker 3 You watch one Russian trick-walking video and it'll ruin it for the next time.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I always think about a really long tunnel.
Like, what if you got stuck in a really long tunnel? This one's kind of fucked up. That's way worse just

Speaker 1 sparks my uh

Speaker 1 my imagination but similar kind of i guess to the first one but sometimes like i think i'm in a final destination movie like when i go over a bridge i'm like you just you're like oh not only is this bridge gonna collapse but it's like gonna a beam is gonna come through like the door and like you're gonna fall out everyone else is gonna die like now do you think that i imagine the worst and then i like over like i literally think like when i i was telling someone about this when i was because i didn't hear about final destination until i was telling someone about this like Like, oh, like, like Final Destination.

Speaker 1 I was like, what? Did you imagine the script to Final Destination? Pretty much, like, parallel minds. That's awesome.

Speaker 3 So you, did you just think that there was something out to get you that was controlling all these things?

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 3 Like, how did you think that you were, did you think that you were living in just the unluckiest timeline where all this stuff could happen to you?

Speaker 3 Or did you feel like there was somebody that was trying to kill you?

Speaker 1 No, I would just be like high. And like, I also have a paranoia of bridges.
And I'd be like, I'm high. Like, this bridge is going down.

Speaker 1 But then I would be like, you think, like, you imagine how the bridge is going to go down.

Speaker 1 Would you do like the in the back? In like, so not really the timeline of it, but just the concept.

Speaker 1 You look in your rear view, and it's just like going down step by step as you stay in front of it, like Heinz Ward running the uh kickback in Dark Knight.

Speaker 3 That was sick, illegal block in the back.

Speaker 3 Yeah, if you watch the script, it's egregious. Um, was that yours thing?

Speaker 1 That was my third one, third.

Speaker 3 Okay, uh, my third one is,

Speaker 3 did I just hear something?

Speaker 3 I think I I hear stuff sometimes. I'm like, was that

Speaker 3 something I heard?

Speaker 1 No. Did I hear something?

Speaker 1 The things, the birds and the.

Speaker 3 But I just think.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I get a little startled.

Speaker 1 You hear it and then you don't hear it, but it definitely was there.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I guess I'm solo on that one a little bit.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. No, I'm with you on that one.
I'm with you on that one. Did I just hear something? It's definitely.
Like, wait, what was it? Yeah. Huh?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Now you see what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Hank, I think what we're finding out is Hank is just

Speaker 1 way more comfortable. Well, that's not a good thing.

Speaker 1 You're better at being high if you don't think you're wet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess so. I do think.
I do that.

Speaker 1 The here thing is facts. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So, wait, so we've got you thinking that everything's going to kill you.

Speaker 1 We're going to try to remember all these right now.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because I'm trying to remember where Hank went with all these. There was one that was

Speaker 1 based on your day.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I I think that's a great one. And what was the third one you've had so far?

Speaker 1 Final Destination. Final Destination.
He wrote the script to Final Destination.

Speaker 1 My brain is constantly writing the script to Final Destination.

Speaker 3 Okay. I'm liking these so far.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then the other one. Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I got one more.

Speaker 3 The last one is everyone can tell that I'm high. Wow.
If I'm out in public or like broadcasting.

Speaker 1 Tell.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 3 I always just, I think that everyone that I'm talking to is like, wow, that guy's really stunk. Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes. I'd agree with that one.
Me as well.

Speaker 1 My fourth one, which was kind of sparked by PFT's dog one, is just like

Speaker 1 basically just all animals and like evolution of like, like you watch a planet Earth and when they cover one like mammals, like big cats, and you're like, damn, like at one point, like there was just like two cats.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. And then now there's like, and like dogs.
Yeah. You know, like that way, way, way, way back in the day.

Speaker 1 Like there was like two dogs and now there's like and they didn't look like the dogs that are here today.

Speaker 3 At all. At all.

Speaker 1 they were like the friendliest wolves right and when they show like wolves are basically like dog you know what I mean like they'll do something where it's like actually wolves are like very like loving creatures and they really like love their families or whatever like and you're like oh wow like a wolf is basically a dog which is basically it's just crazy

Speaker 1 I like that one I have a similar so clearly we all think of animals but I oftentimes think

Speaker 1 what

Speaker 1 what if all the animals actually understood what we were saying but just just ignored us.

Speaker 3 It was like understood between all of them.

Speaker 1 Like, we're going to be able to do this.

Speaker 3 Yeah, like, what if these people?

Speaker 1 Yeah, like a mouse

Speaker 1 knows exactly what we're saying right now, but they're like, no, the minute they figure out that we know, shit's going to get crazy.

Speaker 1 And they can't talk back.

Speaker 3 Is it, do they not want to talk back? Or are they not?

Speaker 1 That part I haven't figured out. Okay.
But I just wonder, like, what.

Speaker 1 Or if it was like.

Speaker 3 What if they can understand us?

Speaker 1 Like a movie where it's like the aliens that they came down, activated it, and then that would be like, I'm pretty sure there probably is a movie where it's like, all of a sudden, like the aliens come and flip a switch.

Speaker 1 They're like, all right.

Speaker 3 All your pets hate you.

Speaker 1 No, you can all talk. Like, they're all going to interact with you now.

Speaker 1 Or what if the pets are

Speaker 1 basically like the listening devices for the aliens?

Speaker 1 Now that.

Speaker 3 There you go. They're sent, they're spies.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Pets have infiltrated.

Speaker 1 Up until right now, it was too obvious for all of us to willingly put robots in our kitchen.

Speaker 1 Mm-hmm so we had to do it the old school way with pets right just calling them robots is like a heat check for tech.

Speaker 3 They're like, we've worked this out. Can we get them moods?

Speaker 3 If we can just say, will you put this listening device in? That would be that'd be crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so yeah, I don't know. Maybe, I mean, it would.

Speaker 1 I think we all think about animals.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I sometimes think, like, obviously, what would my, what does my dog think right now? I want to know what my dog would say to me.

Speaker 1 Does my dog think I'm lazy? right

Speaker 1 i think about clothes like what happened to that sweatshirt and then you general yeah just like oh remember when i owned that yeah just like where did it go what what that actually be really interesting like a 23and me for your old clothes it'll be sick just be like i had this awesome sweatshirt 15 years ago i don't know exactly do you think you could name like your five you're like i wouldn't i wouldn't have thrown that away but but where is it no my shirts, I don't care about my shirts.

Speaker 3 But do you think like if you were to try to go back to like seventh grade and say these were my five favorite fits I was knocking off in seventh grade?

Speaker 1 I don't remember that. I think up until like middle school for sure.

Speaker 1 Like going into third grade, I had some fits that I was like, all right, like cargo pants, Hawaiian shirt. Like, I'm getting buns in third grade.

Speaker 3 I got, um, I had this sick Adidas t-shirt, like a big ass Adidas logo and not just a regular size one. I wore that in eighth grade, like, every day.
It was pretty cool.

Speaker 1 People were like, dude, that guy played soccer.

Speaker 3 He was like, this guy, yeah,

Speaker 3 this guy's watched European television before.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Adidas was kind of cool, like that.

Speaker 3 It's like, we do stuff different.

Speaker 1 Adidas.

Speaker 3 All day I dream about Browns. Have you seen that shirt? Yeah.
The across the column. It says Adidas, but then it says S Browns.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Do we have any other things

Speaker 1 that we think about when we're high?

Speaker 1 Let's see.

Speaker 3 When's the next next time that I have to work?

Speaker 3 I do like a countdown.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that usually is like, oh, wait, it was actually, I forgot I was supposed to be working when I got high. Right.
Shit.

Speaker 3 I hope they can't tell I'm high.

Speaker 1 I got a bummer one. Do you guys ever think about like

Speaker 1 friends or family? And you're like, I'm only going to see them X. It's the Aziz thing.
He did the... His

Speaker 1 stand-up. He's like, I might only see my parents 50 more times.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I do it like group text. text.
Like, I look at my friends. I'm like, damn, like, I like that.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I haven't talked to him in forever. And it's like, oh, man, like, I was pretty tight with him.
Right. You're like, oh, like four years ago.

Speaker 1 Like, damn, that was a long time ago when we were together all the time. Like, it's been a while.
Like, fuck.

Speaker 1 Shit, man.

Speaker 3 I think about life stats. About like somewhere.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 There should be somebody, or there should be a statistical database that can tell me the answers to things like, how many times have I tied my shoes in my life?

Speaker 1 Yes. I was thinking about this the other day.
How many steps do you think you've taken?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I would love to know that data.

Speaker 1 And I sometimes look at my son and I'm like, dude, you haven't even used your feet yet. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's crazy. You should start counting for him.
He'll thank you one day if you have a log of

Speaker 1 yourself.

Speaker 1 I was trying to think about it. Like, all right, so you'd probably take, you take no steps till you're, I don't know, one, and then you probably take a limited amount of steps till you're...

Speaker 1 seven. Yeah.
But then you start stepping.

Speaker 3 You step all the way through like when you graduate graduate high school.

Speaker 1 Like, think about being a little kid. There was a lot of steps in the day, like playing.
What happens when you graduate high school?

Speaker 3 Well, then you get lazy. Some people get jobs.

Speaker 1 Well, and you go to college, you get lazy. Yeah.

Speaker 3 If you get jobs,

Speaker 3 you might work at a desk. You step less.

Speaker 1 I've stepped more.

Speaker 1 Dude, in the last five years than I did in the previous five years. It's the difference between high school and college.
You step more. It's a bigger campus.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, if you go to college, that's a class. Yeah, if you go to class.
I had a moped for a year.

Speaker 3 I just didn't go. And then I just broke and I just left it.
But if you're in high school, you're expected to walk long distances all the time. The second you enter the corporate world.

Speaker 3 No, like back when I was...

Speaker 1 Walking's frowned upon in the corporate world. They want to keep you alive as long as possible.
Suck you fucking dry.

Speaker 3 Chain you to that desk. We don't want you straight.
You're not cage-free. But yeah, we'd just go.

Speaker 1 Just with chapo, traps.

Speaker 3 We'd walk places.

Speaker 1 We'd walk to like the fucking...

Speaker 3 I'm going to walk to the mall. That's two hours of my day that I was committing to walk there, hang out, and then walk back.

Speaker 3 Once you get to college, if you're not going to class, Big Cat's right, you just chill in your dorm room because you don't have parents yelling at you to get out of the house.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but then you're like, yo, we gotta go to this party, but we don't like, we don't have a car, we're gonna walk, it's like a mile, be like, drunk, and you're like, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just, I, we did,

Speaker 1 you realize we didn't get anywhere closer to figuring out how many steps we took.

Speaker 3 Love you guys.

Speaker 3 I'll take anyway.

Speaker 3 Today's a month

Speaker 3 to find

Speaker 3 shiny.

Speaker 3 I've been coming for your love of king.

Speaker 3 Shiny.

Speaker 3 I've been coming for your love of king.

Speaker 3 I'm me. I'll be

Speaker 3 gone.

Speaker 3 Needless to say

Speaker 3 I'm standing.

Speaker 3 Don't be

Speaker 3 coming.

Speaker 3 Lovely learning, but I can't tell you. Say after me.

Speaker 3 It's no better to be safe and sorry.

Speaker 3 Say after me.

Speaker 3 It's the better to be safe and tell me.

Speaker 3 Hey,

Speaker 3 God,

Speaker 3 hey.

Speaker 3 Things I can say

Speaker 3 is it allows.

Speaker 3 Just pay my

Speaker 3 way.

Speaker 3 You're all the things I've got to remember.

Speaker 3 When you shine away,

Speaker 3 love you coming for you, many light.

Speaker 3 When you shine away,

Speaker 3 love you coming for you, anyway.

Speaker 3 Come

Speaker 3 on,

Speaker 3 dance.

Speaker 3 on

Speaker 3 me.

Speaker 1 It's pardon my take presented by Bar Stool Sports.