Woody Paige, Mt Flushmore Of Life's Small Victories With Brian Koppelman

Speaker 1 Hey, pardon my take listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
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Speaker 1 On today's part in my take, we have Woody Page, Legend of the Game, Around the Horn.

Speaker 1 We talk to him about sports, some memories, dominating, being the Brett Favre of Around the Horn with the most wins and most losses. We have Hot Sea Cool Throne, and then

Speaker 1 probably the most uplifting Mount Rushmore we've ever done. We have our guest, a recurring guest, Brian Koppelman on.
You know him from Billions Rounders.

Speaker 1 And we do the Mount Rushmore of Life's Small Victories. So we all were inspired coming out of this Mount Rushmore.
It felt good to be happy again. So make sure you listen to that.

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Speaker 1 Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 Now in the streets, there is violence.

Speaker 1 And then a lot of some work to be done.

Speaker 1 No place to hang a low washing.

Speaker 1 And then I can't blame all on the sun. Oh, no, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.

Speaker 1 And then we're taking higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're gonna rock down

Speaker 1 It's part of my take presented by Istu Sports.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Part of My Take.

Speaker 1 That?

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Speaker 1 It is Wednesday, April 29th,

Speaker 1 and it is official. The New Orleans Saints now have two Hall of Fame quarterbacks, Drew Brees and future Hall of Fame quarterbacks.
Jason Hill.

Speaker 1 Jameis Winston. I almost said Jason Winston.
Jason Winston.

Speaker 2 Jameis Winston, he signed a one-year deal with him today.

Speaker 1 He had many other offers, Peter.

Speaker 2 Well, he did. He had offers to be a starter and for more money.

Speaker 1 In a lot of places that don't exist.

Speaker 2 In better cities than New Orleans. That's like a three for three of things that definitely didn't happen.
It's like,

Speaker 1 how ridiculous of a lie can I throw out there and have people believe it? Well, guess what, Jameis? No one believed this lie.

Speaker 2 I mean, I would honestly sympathize with him if he was like, I wanted to go chill out in New Orleans for a year, make a million dollars or however much he's going to get paid, not have to work, and just live in the best city in the world.

Speaker 1 How about it? Actually, is a genius move by him because Drew Brees, you have to think, okay, Drew Brees, maybe this year is his last year. Maybe he's got two more years.

Speaker 1 If you can ingratiate yourself to Sean Payton and what they have going on there, like that's actually a very smart thing to do to be the guy in waiting.

Speaker 1 And you've made a lot of money already because you were a first-round draft pick with the fifth-year option being picked up. And now you get to be learning from Drew Brees and Sean Payton.

Speaker 1 And he can maybe even be like, hey, dude, like the linebackers are the ones in the middle. Well, yeah, I mean, that would be a good spin spin zone.

Speaker 2 Maybe they hired him so that he could play scout team and work on the hands of the linebackers and the cornerbacks in practice. Yes.
Get some reps in, catching some balls for a change.

Speaker 1 I would love to see the film study, though, of like Drew Brees being like, all right, where'd you throw it here? And Jameis is like, right there, right where a linebacker is.

Speaker 1 Like, nope, we're not doing that. Like, trying to explain to him how the positions work.

Speaker 2 He's like, I just want to throw the ball, Drew. That's it.
So I looked up some stats on old Jameis here, okay? So they're all unbelievable.

Speaker 2 This is why I'm actually optimistic about Jameis in New Orleans. His grass versus turf split.
You ready for this? On grass.

Speaker 1 This is how bored we are.

Speaker 2 On grass, 22 touchdowns, 27 interceptions. On turf, 11 touchdowns, 3 interceptions.
Wow. His passer rating is almost...

Speaker 2 35 points higher on turf than it is in grass.

Speaker 1 He played, obviously, the Saints and the Falcons. Was there a third turf game? Isn't that just the general rule for turf versus grass? Well, and also the the Falcons defense is terrible.

Speaker 1 What was the other?

Speaker 2 Listen, I'm not here to get into dialogue.

Speaker 1 What was the other turf game?

Speaker 1 Is there another turf game?

Speaker 2 I found a stat that fit my narrative for Jameis Winston, so I'm going to run with that.

Speaker 1 I'm going to look up the other turf game because it's going to be hilarious if it was just the worst defense. Probably.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It probably was. But the fact is, Jameis likes turf.

Speaker 1 He doesn't like grass. So this is going to be

Speaker 1 all sea season.

Speaker 2 He loves domes.

Speaker 1 I got a stat for you.

Speaker 1 If Jameis Winston throws zero touchdowns and zero interceptions this year, he still will be second second all time at the age of 27 for touchdowns and interceptions only behind Dan Marino.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Jameis Winston.

Speaker 2 So one thing that we know about Sean Payton, and when he looks at quarterbacks, he has visions of what he wants their role to be all the time.

Speaker 2 And it's not like other quarterback coaches that are like, oh, I want this guy to be a serviceable backup because he knows the system. This guy's going to be my emergency.

Speaker 2 No, that's not how Sean Payton thinks. He has actual defined roles for his different quarterbacks.
Right.

Speaker 2 Like Taysom Hill was the guy that they'd bring in during games, and Teddy Bridgewater was the guy that they'd bring in as the actual backup if Drew Brees went down.

Speaker 2 With Jameis Winston, I don't know what that role is going to be. Is he going to be the Teddy Bridgewater from last year, or is he going to be the quarterback saves guy?

Speaker 2 Because Jameis Winston seems like a guy that you could put in in a fourth quarter if you want to make things interesting.

Speaker 2 Walk away with a save.

Speaker 1 It just sucks that we might not get Jameis as a starter next year.

Speaker 1 The total comedy of the league has taken a hit. By the way, he scored 38.
They scored 38 points against the Lions in like week 14. Okay.
So that might have been a help for

Speaker 1 the grass versus.

Speaker 2 Jameis can only play who he plays on his schedule in domes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, 38-17. That definitely helped.

Speaker 1 He had four touchdowns, 458 points.

Speaker 2 Still, 11 touchdowns, three interceptions.

Speaker 1 All right, so we had the Jameis news. We have new baseball news.
Wait, what is this? Oh, Jameis Winston has completed 10 career passes to Saints players. Taysom Hill has completed seven.

Speaker 1 I don't like these stats that are supposed to just be mean to Jameis.

Speaker 2 So, I mean, it sounds like that's the team he's supposed to play for, though.

Speaker 1 True. Mean to Jameis or mean to Taysom.
That's true. I guess, well, Jameis never played for the Saints, but yes, yes.
Both. Yes, both.
It's a double mean.

Speaker 1 It's just being mean all around. The other news we have is the baseball is

Speaker 1 trying,

Speaker 1 feels like they might come back. Early July is what's been said.
They're confident in that.

Speaker 1 And what I think we've talked about, but I love this idea that they're going to restructure how the divisions are, which is great.

Speaker 1 Because if this season is going to be weird, make it really fucking weird.

Speaker 2 I need to get to the point where we're debating the designated hitter rule already.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 What happened? It's a Milan

Speaker 2 of

Speaker 2 teams from both leagues in each division. So the East, you've got the Yankees, Mets, Red Sox, Orioles,

Speaker 2 Phillies, Pittsburgh. Everyone in the East except for Atlanta.
Yes. And they move to to the Central.

Speaker 1 Yes. Which actually makes sense if you look at a map.
Does it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Atlanta

Speaker 1 is farther west than people realize.

Speaker 2 Is it farther west than Pittsburgh?

Speaker 1 Yes. I want to say yes.

Speaker 2 Pennsylvania's centralized. Hold, please.

Speaker 1 We're doing some map exercises here. Again, this is what we have, folks.
We're doing some map exercises. Atlanta is

Speaker 1 much,

Speaker 1 much,

Speaker 1 much farther west than Pittsburgh. Okay.

Speaker 1 Much. I use many muches.
Atlanta is in line, is farther west than Detroit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, people don't realize how far west Atlanta is.

Speaker 1 I think most, I think if you think about a map, people forget that South Carolina is kind of boxing Atlanta out there.

Speaker 2 That's why the Seahawks were able to beat the Falcons in the playoffs a couple years ago. It wasn't that far of a trip.
Correct.

Speaker 1 It is Central Time. I don't know if it's Central Time.
No, it's not. It's not Central Time.

Speaker 1 But it is, that's why Atlanta and Nashville Nashville should actually be playing in football more often because they're three hours away from each other.

Speaker 1 So it makes sense that Atlanta's in the Central,

Speaker 1 and then you just have the West team. So I like it because you get the Mets and the Yankees playing all year long.
You get the Cubs and the White Sox playing all year long.

Speaker 1 You get the Dodgers and whoever else is in L.A.

Speaker 2 Dodgers.

Speaker 2 Dodgers and the Giants. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The Dodgers.

Speaker 1 I love that. There's just the Angels are there.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. San Diego's around too.

Speaker 1 Close enough.

Speaker 1 I say.

Speaker 1 just the los angels the los angeles angels of aheim is still maybe the most ridiculous name we did that we did we there was like a sporkle quiz that this was before coronavirus started and it was you had five minutes or might have been like eight minutes to name every single franchise in all four major sports and i missed a couple of the canadian hockey teams but the only other american team i missed was the los angeles angels you got the florida panthers yes they exist too yeah because we had this whole thing you were like wow they got everything else was easy, and then I just forgot that the Angels existed.

Speaker 1 And even when they said it to me, I was like, is that real? Their team? Okay.

Speaker 2 If it wasn't for Biz Nasse, the Coyotes would be a tough one to remember, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think I forgot the

Speaker 2 Winnipeg Jets, maybe. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Either way, that's neither here nor there. Baseball could be busy.

Speaker 2 I think baseball is coming back. It's going to be, I kind of like how these divisions are broken down, to be honest with you.

Speaker 2 There's really no need to have an American and National League

Speaker 2 unless you have to break it down through a whole 160 to 160 game three game season. But like with this,

Speaker 2 I don't have a problem with any of this. I see a couple teams getting their asses kicked in the east, but the divisions overall look pretty competitive.

Speaker 1 This is the whole point of like the sports coming back. I'm still skeptical, but if they do, embrace how weird this is.

Speaker 1 If the NBA comes back and they play a finals in August, don't start the season until Christmas and run it from Chris, like run a a shortened season the other way around, too.

Speaker 1 Like embrace how weird it is, how different everything is, and make it different.

Speaker 1 It would be so disappointing if they did a shortened baseball season and nothing was different. They just cut out maybe like all interleague play or something.
Yeah. It's like, why? Why? That's why.

Speaker 1 Why don't you start that? Why do they change your pace? If there's 100 games, I don't need to see the Cubs play the Pirates 19 times. I want to see weird shit happen.

Speaker 2 What if baseball came back and heaven forbid the very first thing that happened was a a home run derby and Christian Yellich wins it?

Speaker 1 I think it doesn't count.

Speaker 1 Short and season one. Asterisks.
Doesn't count.

Speaker 1 Asterisks. Plus,

Speaker 2 coronavirus never on our part.

Speaker 1 Do you imagine if he never competes in the home run derby, his back gets hurt, and then he goes, and then he has coronavirus happen, and then he gets busted for whatever he's been doing and never makes the all-star game again?

Speaker 2 You can make an argument that our asses derailed his career.

Speaker 1 He did sign his big contract. That's true.

Speaker 2 Please not as home. Fat Fat and happy.

Speaker 1 Although you don't have to make the all-star game to be in the homeowner derby. That's bullshit.
And he would do that out of spite. That's bullshit.
Especially after I just said that thing.

Speaker 1 He didn't do steroids. I know that for a fact.
He changed his stance.

Speaker 2 And he's a great guy. As a matter of fact, what did Aaron Rodgers say when

Speaker 2 Braun got accused of doing steroids?

Speaker 1 I hate Jordan Love.

Speaker 2 He said that he would donate how much money?

Speaker 1 No, he said he'd retire.

Speaker 2 He'd retire. So Big Cat will retire if Christian Yelich ever gets caught doing steroids.
Boom.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 Can I take an insurance plan out on that? Nope. That would be great if I got a Lloyds of London hook me up.

Speaker 2 I mean, if Major League Baseball knows what they're doing, they will find a way to make that happen just to boost the ratings for the home run derby. Yes.

Speaker 1 All right. Hot seat, cool throne.
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Speaker 1 We started, you know, in classic us fashion when this quarantine started, we said, hey, every Friday, to, you know, keep us motivated, give us something to do, we're going to review a documentary.

Speaker 1 We're going to watch a movie.

Speaker 1 I think we made it, what, two weeks, three weeks? Uh-huh. We forgot last week.
I brought it up today, like, what should we do for Friday? And you guys are like, well, we're not going to make it.

Speaker 1 We're not going to make it. Like, we can't do it this Friday.
Hold on, hold on. We not only didn't do it last week, but we talked about it before we did the show and just forgot to say it.
Correct.

Speaker 1 And then this week, I was like, what are we going to do this week? And it was like, well, well, it's already Tuesday.

Speaker 1 We're not going to watch anything by Friday.

Speaker 1 So my hot seat is us. But with that being said, we need,

Speaker 1 we're going to rein it back in. We're going to get back on track.
We just need good

Speaker 1 documentaries that we can watch, plan in advance for next Friday, the following Friday, and so on.

Speaker 2 Preferably under two hours in length. Right.
I was saying maybe exit through the gift shop, the Banksy documentary. That could be pretty good.

Speaker 2 Maybe something to do with hard knocks.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Tell us.

Speaker 2 Tell us. Tell us what to do.

Speaker 1 This Friday, we have something special planned. Next Friday, we got you.

Speaker 1 And then my cool throne is Burning Man.

Speaker 1 It's back off? It's on? Yeah, shout out to Artie Atkin on Twitter for sending me this. But he sent me a noisy article.
This is the headline.

Speaker 2 Burning Man is on a podcast.

Speaker 1 Burning Man is Noisy

Speaker 1 as a news organization. Burning Man is going virtual, and so are the Orgies.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. So Burning Man is good.

Speaker 2 So we're going to, wait, so we're going to sit in our houses listening to music and jack off because someone else is going to be jacking off.

Speaker 1 So it's cool. It's going to be like a Zoom J-O sesh.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's my.
I mean, I didn't read the article. I just read the article.
Of course not. Why would you line anything? I wouldn't read it.

Speaker 2 A virtual orgy sounds like the worst type of orgy.

Speaker 1 I don't know, like a bestiality orgy. At least when you're done, you can just kind of shut your laptop and be like, all right.

Speaker 2 Be like, I did this. I'm ashamed.
An orgy with like

Speaker 2 hardware equipment. You know what? I take that back.
An orgy sounds like a lot of pressure.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of worst

Speaker 1 STD orgies. Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of red flags that go up if you're going to an orgy. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You don't want your car to get parked in because that's awkward if you have to leave and you're like, hey, can somebody move their car?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, I never do. I don't think that's a good thing.
I think orgies are a real thing. No, they are.

Speaker 1 I'm 26.

Speaker 1 I still don't think. That's one of those things where it's like...

Speaker 1 It still doesn't seem real to me. I don't think that thing.
Go to Key West.

Speaker 2 Key West. You'll change your mind pretty quickly.

Speaker 1 What I don't understand about orgies is like what happens.

Speaker 1 I would come so fast. Like,

Speaker 1 do they have a buffet that you can hit up after? Like, what do you do? I'm sure you guys have to sit there. You sit there and just talk about, like, oh, okay.

Speaker 2 I feel like it's.

Speaker 1 You guys are going to keep going?

Speaker 2 It's like a wedding reception where I'm sure there's a buffet, there's a signed seating, you sit down, you meet your neighbor, that sort of thing.

Speaker 2 And then an MC gets up, and he's like, okay, let's get this started. Then he brings out like a ringer, and then the ringer and him get started.
Then everyone else just kind of goes at it on the table.

Speaker 1 So in that analogy, I'd be the guy with,

Speaker 1 I would have the tie around my head on the first song, sweating through my shirt, and then be like, oh, I'm done.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd get the belt off and do the limbo way too early. Yes.
I'd just have somebody grab my wiener, and that would be the limbo stick. And they'd be like, I can't fit on your head.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's over. It's too small.
Was that it? That's it. All right.

Speaker 1 Hot seat. Cool throw up.

Speaker 1 A hot seat?

Speaker 2 My hot seat

Speaker 1 is.

Speaker 2 My hot seat is Rick Neuheisel.

Speaker 2 So last time you've seen Rick Neuheisl, he might have been doing a college football halftime show or post-game show, playing his guitar and singing some song that he wrote about football.

Speaker 2 Well, guess what? He's got some company because Gary Patterson is putting out an album. So Gary Patterson, the coach at TCU, has spent the last couple weeks recording an album of some sort.

Speaker 2 He's being very tight-lipped about exactly what type of music it is, who he's co-writing it with. But he says he's got 15 songs of material.
He's got,

Speaker 2 he wears that vest, right?

Speaker 1 Well, no, he's the shirt changer.

Speaker 2 Shirt changer. I thought he was a vest guy, too.

Speaker 1 He occasionally does the vest, but he sweats and he'll change his shirt at halftime.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so

Speaker 2 I'm excited to see what's going to happen. I hope that this starts a trend.
I'd like to see more college football coaches get into releasing albums.

Speaker 1 Isn't this a way to get through recruiting loopholes? Like if you wrote a song specifically for a five-star recruit

Speaker 2 why is that called like put your hand in in the dirt.

Speaker 1 Like, that's not.

Speaker 2 I'd love to see you in my purple shirt.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it beats out all the text messaging rules and stuff and phone calls.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if you write a love song about a five-star quarterback every year from like Plano, Texas. Yeah, I like that.
I would love to see Mike Leach record some songs. I'm sure he has already, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Although, I don't...
He strikes me as a guy who doesn't play instruments. He just has the tambourine and he plays that.
And he brings it everywhere. He's like, you want me to hop in for a set?

Speaker 2 He could also, he could be a harmonica guy if he had the vest.

Speaker 2 I could see him.

Speaker 1 He's played a lot of instruments. He's tried every instrument.

Speaker 2 He's got, yeah, he's got a study filled with like a trumpet, two types of saxophones, a bass,

Speaker 2 he probably has several harps that he's purchased after watching Lord of the Rings or some shit. Yep.
So, yeah, I'm really looking forward to Gary Patterson's album coming out.

Speaker 2 My Cool Throne is the circle of life for fullbacks. So, James Devlin walked away from the game.
Sad. It's very sad.
An angel gets its neck roll. And as...

Speaker 1 Belichick gave him higher praise than he gave Brady pretty much.

Speaker 2 He retires as a patriot. Good for him.
You never see that anymore.

Speaker 2 I like players that really take pride in the team that they are around for so long.

Speaker 2 And as he departs, the Ravens got who I believe to be the next James Devlin in the draft.

Speaker 2 So not only did our buddy Danny Vitale go in and take James Devlin's spot on the roster, I think he'll be great in New England, but the Ravens got a guy from Kinnesaw State.

Speaker 2 You remember Kinnesaw State? They're the ones that had the turnover plank,

Speaker 2 which was the best turnover accessory.

Speaker 2 They got Merrill Hodge, we call him a factor back. He's six foot tall, runs a 4.4840, 230 pounds, and then put up 35 reps on the bench.
Sheesh.

Speaker 2 And I'm not even going to say his name because he's a fullback, and you'll find out his name soon enough. So it's the circle of life.
It continues. The bull in the ring of life

Speaker 2 for the fullback position.

Speaker 1 Okay, my hot seats is all of us again

Speaker 1 because UFOs exist. And Tom DeLong was the guy.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 2 Well, he's been, dude, he's been beating this drum for 10, 15 years. He was absolutely right, which is crazy to think about.

Speaker 2 The guy that was writing songs about aliens and jacking off a dog was 100% logical about his alien take. Hold on.

Speaker 1 Does he get credit for that? Because if you don't think that aliens exist, you're a fucking moron.

Speaker 1 That seems like such an obvious thing. I guess he's more passionate about it, but I would say the people who are like, oh, yeah, there's no aliens,

Speaker 2 they're the idiots. Well, you know who I blame is Elon Musk.

Speaker 2 So him and Tom DeLong switched personalities at some point 10 years ago, where Tom DeLong started working with all this technology to track down extraterrestrial life and did it, and then Elon Musk...

Speaker 2 tried to bang pop stars and make a bunch of 69, 420 jokes on Twitter. So like, I would blame your Elon Musk.
I would blame Mark Hoppis a little bit from Blink 182 because he doubted Tom.

Speaker 1 I mean, I saw those videos. It's real.
Yes,

Speaker 1 it's very real. Yeah.
So, why can't the aliens come down and fix this fucking mess?

Speaker 2 Maybe the aliens did this to us.

Speaker 2 You think about that?

Speaker 1 Damn it. All right, my cool throne is graphic visualization.
So I feel like this is one of the, I'm very interested in the industries that are getting a boom from coronavirus.

Speaker 1 So I actually think bow ties are getting a big boom because every time I turn on CNN, there's a fucking weirdo doctor and a doctor who tries to dress up for TV. What do they do? Wear a bow tie.

Speaker 1 The people who are making the gifts of like,

Speaker 1 you know, like the spread of coronavirus, the charts, it's got to be off the charts for them right now. No pun intended.

Speaker 2 Nate Silver is behind the scenes.

Speaker 1 It's insane. Every day I see a fucking visualization visualization of some shit that I don't even understand that has all these repercussions about the economy and deaths and all these things.

Speaker 1 And I'm thinking, there's some guy who's making a fucking killing off this.

Speaker 2 So you're thinking that it's the nerds that are behind all this?

Speaker 1 Someone, someone is benefiting.

Speaker 1 I would like to interview anyone whose industry has just, and I'm not talking about like, oh, I work for a healthcare company and I'm selling a shitload of ventilators because people need iron lungs.

Speaker 1 I'm talking about the subtle ones that

Speaker 1 don't really meet the eye right away. The people who are like, oh, that guy, he's actually crushing it right now.

Speaker 2 The pornography companies. Yeah.
Absolutely killing it.

Speaker 1 Well, they're, I mean, they're bulletproof. They're recession.

Speaker 2 They are recession proof. I'd say they actually do better in recession.
Correct. Sad spanks are, they count almost more

Speaker 2 than normal spanks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what other companies? I would say, like, you know, your seamlesses, obviously your zooms.

Speaker 1 Those are too obvious, though.

Speaker 2 Too obvious. The ones that are flying under the radar.
Here's one. Electric companies.

Speaker 1 electric companies good one uh hard candy companies because people are dying and funeral homes need their hard candy that's gross there's nothing worth no there's some

Speaker 1 oh funeral home companies yeah big funeral is behind this yeah no building no funerals no none social gatherings no but they you still have to send the body somewhere right and someone has to go and and and eat the hard candy

Speaker 1 i don't agree

Speaker 1 interesting agreed

Speaker 2 Why don't you agree with that?

Speaker 1 He's right. There aren't funerals.

Speaker 2 Like, you can't have funerals. They're having virtual funerals.
They are.

Speaker 1 Without hard candy, though. Without

Speaker 1 everyone brings their own hard candy.

Speaker 2 It's like the orgy. It's what they would have wanted.
Grandma loved Werthers.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Although Worthers is getting passed down and inherited probably more than people going out and buying it. So that probably comes out in the wash.

Speaker 1 The subtle, the subtle, the subtle places.

Speaker 1 The cracks. Look inside the crack.
Look under the rocks. That's how we'll find out how this thing happened.

Speaker 2 Divorce attorneys.

Speaker 1 Really benefiting. Yeah, but like, do you think people,

Speaker 1 well,

Speaker 1 all right. Why'd you have to bring that up?

Speaker 2 I wasn't talking about that guy.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, how about that girl? That girl.
Yeah. Maybe.

Speaker 2 Maybe the problem was Jay. You remember the news that came out a while ago? That Jay unclogged her boobs because he was so good at sucking the milk out.

Speaker 1 That's great.

Speaker 2 Maybe he just maybe he did too good a job and she started leaking.

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to think. There's got to be other places.

Speaker 1 I'll make a list. Places that we don't think about that are just having, that are fucking stacking cash right now.

Speaker 2 Central American ping pong leagues.

Speaker 1 Yes, true. Nicaraguan soccer.
Speaking of ping pong. Speaking of ping pong, Thursday night, 6 p.m., the rivalry renewed.

Speaker 2 It's back on. PFT versus Hank.
Seven games.

Speaker 1 Don't wear... Make sure you wear a shirt that doesn't show your sweat.

Speaker 2 I don't own enough shirts that don't show my sweat.

Speaker 1 I'm going to comment, and it's going to get in your head again.

Speaker 2 Listen, the shirt last time was a bad choice for the athletic event.

Speaker 1 I'll wear that. What are you wearing right now? Dark, dark shirt.
Dark shirt. Dark shirt.

Speaker 2 What I really want to do is wear all orange so that Hank can't see the ball when it's coming at him. Like at Wrigley Field when they used to wear white out in center field.
You can't.

Speaker 1 No, man. You can do whatever you want.
Whatever you want. Whatever you want.
Is this a gentleman's game?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you broke your paddle.

Speaker 2 I think it's a schedules game.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Do whatever you want, PFT.
Whatever advantage you think you can get. All right, tune in.
Part of my take to it. It's not going to matter.
Let's get to our interview. We got Woody Page.

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Speaker 2 And now, Woody Page.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest. You know him from around the horn or the fact that he's been a big J journalist for a very, very long time.

Speaker 1 He's seen it it all it is woody page he also has a podcast called unmutable you can go listen to it right now uh woody thank you so much for joining us this is as consumers of uh sports and sports media our entire life this is an honor because you are a true big j journalist and also a very funny guy from around the horn so thank you for joining us well i've been a fan of you guys for quite a while uh and we were compatriots for a couple of days i think yeah i think it was like 30 minutes ESPN2.

Speaker 2 2 a.m. You may have remembered.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 No, no, you're good. I actually want to start there because,

Speaker 1 you know, you have seen it all.

Speaker 1 Writing for newspapers, doing TV,

Speaker 1 and now podcasting, the evolution of sports media, you have literally just lived through all of it.

Speaker 1 Is there anything that surprises you at this point when it comes to where sports media has come from and where it is now? Do you think that we're blog boys and shouldn't be trusted?

Speaker 1 Or, you know, what exactly do you see our place in sports media and where you've come from?

Speaker 9 I'm very, I'm very excited about what's going on in sports media, not given what we're going through now. But when I was a kid journalist in my 20s, and I'll tell you a very quick story.

Speaker 9 I was in Memphis, Tennessee, my hometown. and they had an ABA team and they asked me to do the analyst job.
And just before we went on the air, they handed me this thing to put in my ear.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 9 so the play-by-play guy said, I'm going to ask you about the center matchup. And I went, great.
So I'm talking about the centers of the Indiana Pacers and the Memphis Pros.

Speaker 9 And I hear God talking to me.

Speaker 9 And I turned around because I couldn't understand what God was saying. God was saying, you got one minute, then go to the commercial.
Nobody had ever told me about an IFB.

Speaker 9 The point of that, so I am looking around for who's talking to me. And finally, they ran out of the truck and they said, you're not supposed to respond to us.

Speaker 9 The point was that when I speak to college journalists and

Speaker 9 classes, I always tell them that

Speaker 9 in five years,

Speaker 9 the job you're going to have doesn't exist because podcasts didn't exist. Radio talk shows barely existed when I was a kid.
ESPN didn't exist.

Speaker 9 And so what you guys are doing and what other people are doing in the world of sports right now in four or five years, and you know this now as veterans, who knows what's going to be the next step in terms of sports media?

Speaker 9 Because we're seeing,

Speaker 9 what I was talking about just before we went on the air, the ABA, I used to write a column for the sporting news.

Speaker 9 That was the biggest thing in the country along with Sports Illustrated and Sport Magazine. And sporting news barely exists if it does anymore.

Speaker 9 And Sport Magazine's gone out of business and Sports Illustrated has just gone out of business. So I couldn't dream of ever being on TV.

Speaker 9 I once asked DeKimbe Mutombo that when he was growing up, did he dream of being in the NBA? And he gave me a great quote, I think, which is true. He said, I couldn't dream to the end of the dirt road.

Speaker 9 So I think that's when you talk about what's going on in sports media now. We have no idea what will happen because you guys couldn't have existed five to six years ago.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 We're very much a product of the age that we kind of came up in, and we did not go about this a traditional way like a lot of other people in this field right now.

Speaker 2 I get the feeling like, and maybe you can correct me on this, but when you were coming out of college, it must have been extremely difficult to get your feet on the ground, like getting it, getting that first job because they were so limited.

Speaker 2 You have to be affiliated with a newspaper or a radio station. You know, the prospects for a young sports writer seemed like they were extremely limited compared to now.

Speaker 9 Well, I think

Speaker 9 I was very lucky, and nobody's really ever asked me that story, but I worked all through college for the college radio station, the college TV station.

Speaker 9 I was editor of the daily newspaper at the University of Tennessee.

Speaker 9 And when I got out of school, my thought was that I was going to go to Vietnam and die because that's what we were dealing with then.

Speaker 9 And I was a kid of the Vietnam War and I got drafted and I hoped that somebody would give me a job in New Jersey or something instead of Vietnam. And I went to be

Speaker 9 to get my fiscal

Speaker 9 and I failed.

Speaker 9 And so I didn't quite know what I was basically going to do. I thought about teaching school.
And I went to the newspaper in Memphis and I said, I'd like a job.

Speaker 9 And the guy said, well, we don't have any jobs. He said, Where'd you go to school? I said, University of Tennessee.
And he said, Oh, the editor would like to talk to you.

Speaker 9 He's on the board of governors of Tennessee. I went in to his office and he said, So you went to Tennessee? And I said, Yes, sir.
And he said, Hang on a second.

Speaker 9 He picked up a phone and he said to some guy, I'm going to send a kid out, give him a job.

Speaker 1 That's how I got it. Jesus crazy.

Speaker 2 You pulled a John Elway on draft day.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't want to go to.

Speaker 9 Speaking of John Elway, I got a John Elway story for you because you guys are not happy that John Elway likes tall quarterbacks.

Speaker 2 Yes, well, no, I wouldn't say that, Woody. I think we are happy that he likes tall quarterbacks because it gives us something to joke about all the time.

Speaker 1 Well, and also,

Speaker 1 I think we this is break.

Speaker 9 This is breaking news for you guys.

Speaker 1 Okay, all right, go ahead.

Speaker 9 Okay, Brock Oswald, Paxton Lynch. We can go through all this together.

Speaker 9 DeBroncos signed a free agent quarterback named Riley Neal out of Vanderbilt.

Speaker 9 He's 6'6.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 yes. I love it.
Perfect. He's got a tight.

Speaker 1 Do you think, no, you obviously covered John as a player and now as a front office guy, what is the

Speaker 1 vibe in Denver right now in terms of the job he's doing? Because it feels like he might be teetering a little bit with the fan base.

Speaker 9 When he took over in 2011,

Speaker 9 I had a meeting with him actually the day before they introduced him. And I said, John, what's going to happen if you don't do well at this executive job?

Speaker 9 Because you are a guy that they'll put a statue of in the airport and downtown. And I said, what happens if you do a terrible job? And he said, I haven't thought about that for a minute.

Speaker 9 I said, well, you might want to think about it because a lot of

Speaker 9 remember Marino became like general manager of the Dolphins for about three days or something.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 9 And a lot of other Ted Williams failed matt millen i mean you saw you've seen it right now with phil jackson you know obviously he's the best coach of all time but he was really bad with the knicks yeah i i don't think john had really thought that out that the that it could be bad well the last couple of years uh

Speaker 9 there was almost the ruination not totally but there was somewhat of an erosion if you put it that way of his stature in Denver because of the poor job he had done drafting.

Speaker 9 He saved himself when they won the Super Bowl, 50, but they haven't, you know, they haven't pissed a drop the last four years. And so I think that it was having an effect.

Speaker 9 People wanted him fired all the time. That was a constant topic of discussion.
And it really continued up until the Drew Locke appearance at the end of last year. Drew Locke may save John Elway's job.

Speaker 9 And I just find that

Speaker 9 like poetic justice, that John Elway probably saved Dan Reeves' job in 1983. And it could be that Drew Locke does it.

Speaker 9 So that's why I think John was so intent in this draft in drafting as many people that will help Drew Locke because in turn that will help John Elway.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 And I think that Drew Locke is going to be a very good quarterback.

Speaker 2 I saw some pretty good stuff out of him his rookie year that made me say, okay, this guy has something to him, like a little bit of that Moxie, where I think he actually can be the next guy in Denver.

Speaker 2 But there's also kind of like a double-edged sword with what they did in this draft because this offseason, they've gotten him so many weapons on offense that if he so much as takes a step back or regresses at all, he's kind of in an interesting situation going into next year where it's like he might not be the guy unless he totally goes out there and wows you.

Speaker 9 Well, I don't think anybody can determine right now Drew Locke's future. I mean,

Speaker 9 based on five games, but he was very successful in those four games. I like his swagger.

Speaker 9 I've gotten to know him, and I like his swagger, which is a term that's probably overused, but he's got a, I would call it confidence. And he's got a strong arm.
He's got a John Elway kind of arm.

Speaker 9 And he did play impressively down the stretch last year. But how important was that?

Speaker 9 They weren't going anywhere. The teams they weren't, they were beating Detroit.
I mean, they were beating teams, Raiders. They weren't really beating teams that were good.

Speaker 9 So, So, again, I think that the idea was to surround him, and they drafted three wide receivers, and they added two more wide receivers that were undrafted free agents.

Speaker 9 They added, here's an interesting thing, and I haven't written it and really haven't seen it. They got five guys that in the combine or in quote pro days

Speaker 9 were in 4-4s. So, when you think about that, they're chasing and copying the Kansas City Chiefs.

Speaker 9 They're doing their best to get into position. They've lost nine straight games to Kansas City.

Speaker 9 I mean, Kansas City's become as dominant as the Broncos were against Kansas City when Peyton Manning was here.

Speaker 9 And that's the only way you're going to, in the AFC West with Kansas City and

Speaker 9 now Las Vegas and now Los Angeles, that all three of those other teams have got to chase the Kansas City Chiefs. And oddly enough, I think the Chiefs had the best draft of the four of them.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'd agree with that. So can we talk about Around the Horn real quick? You are the winningest and losingest around the horn panelist of all time.
You are also the longest tenured.

Speaker 1 You're basically Brett Favre of Around the Horn. You throw the most touchdowns, the most interceptions.

Speaker 1 Is there a certain level of like you actually do want to win these arguments? And is there a rival that you're like, man, I wish I could go back against this person because they really put it on me.

Speaker 9 You guys are competitive. Now, I don't see Hank, wherever Hank is.

Speaker 1 He's behind you. He's behind the computer.

Speaker 9 Yeah. That's who I really want to talk to: is Hank.
That when you guys talk and do your podcast, you're competitive. Yeah.
You want to win the argument, right?

Speaker 1 Uh-huh.

Speaker 9 If you have an argument about the Washington Football Club or say the Patriots or Chicago,

Speaker 1 the quarterback's situation there.

Speaker 9 You want to win the argument. I don't think there's anybody on the show, and I've been doing it for 18 years now since the first show.

Speaker 9 Everybody wants to win, and people say, Well, it must be fixed. It's not fixed.
You don't really know.

Speaker 9 You know, if you win around hard for people who don't know, you get 30 seconds to talk about whatever you want to.

Speaker 9 Well, I don't even think about what I'm going to talk about. I just, it just works out.

Speaker 9 But every day, the concept is

Speaker 9 by me, and I think everybody, Sarah Sarah Spain from Chicago, Tim Kalashaw from Dallas, Bill Plasky, you can go on. Everybody wants to win the show because you're competitive.

Speaker 9 So it's not fixed. We don't know who's going to win.
Tony, I don't think Moses is going to win until the last second.

Speaker 9 And so from that nature, but I laugh when you said that because people say, gosh, you've lost more than anybody. I think there's a famous plaque about Babe Ruth striking out 3,000 times.

Speaker 1 So, are you going to keep going so that your win number becomes untouchable and you have the true

Speaker 1 record in sports that can never be, you know, someone's got to be on this show for 18 more years and you're still going. You are Brett Favre.

Speaker 1 You're like, I'm going to keep throwing touchdown passes, hoping no one can catch me.

Speaker 9 Well, I will tell you,

Speaker 9 and I always speak the truth, anybody knows me. that I expected I would go away like seven or years ago and never thought about it.

Speaker 9 The wins, I have a trophy that the governor of Colorado gave me that fell apart when he gave it to me

Speaker 9 that says 600 wins on a round of horn. What makes it just like your show? It's fun.
It's fun to do. It's not the most difficult thing.
If you look at my hands, they're soft. Same.

Speaker 9 I've never had a job in my life. Same.

Speaker 1 Blog hands. Blog hands.

Speaker 9 Well, I think I signed a new contract. They didn't make a big deal out of it.
I signed a new contract at the end of the year to go for two more years.

Speaker 9 And I've never said this publicly or even privately, but I suspect that two more years.

Speaker 2 Okay. You're like Tom Brady.

Speaker 2 You're just calling two more years. You feel like you can do this.
Yeah. And then walk off into the sunset.

Speaker 2 I mean, your record would be insurmountable at that point if you continue on the path that you've been on for the next couple. You're like Ricky Henderson with Solon Bases.

Speaker 2 No one's ever going to do it.

Speaker 9 Yeah, Ricky Henderson and I.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 9 You put Tom Brady and me in a senate. You put me and Ricky Henderson.
I'm sitting here. I decided last night that everybody's coming up with different plans for what's going on during the coronavirus.

Speaker 9 Last night I shocked myself.

Speaker 9 I've been home like 50 straight days. I go out for a long walk every day and give people a finger if they don't have a mask on.

Speaker 9 But last night I decided I'm going to invent something that when you touch the light socket, you don't get shocked.

Speaker 1 Hmm.

Speaker 9 Have you wondered why that's never been?

Speaker 9 I assume when you walk around your house that you'll touch something and you get shocked and you know it's going to happen. Why hasn't there been an invention? I know you don't want to talk about it.

Speaker 2 Well, no, you're talking about just babyproofing your own house.

Speaker 1 Wait, are you talking about the light switch or the actual sockets?

Speaker 9 Well, I don't stick my finger in a socket.

Speaker 1 Right. Right.

Speaker 9 No, but I touch it. I touch a light switch or a lamp or something and I get shocked all the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's because you probably have luscious carpets around your entire house and you wear nice wool socks and you're just walking around just getting the friction going.

Speaker 9 People like her.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 I think you just invented having a better electrician install all your appliances. Because I've never gone up to a lamp and touched it and been like, God damn, I just shocked myself on that lamp.

Speaker 9 So I'm the only one?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think you might be. Yeah.

Speaker 9 I'm the only one on the show who has won 620 times over the whole time.

Speaker 2 That's an ultimate trumpet.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 2 I noticed that you do have your trademark chalkboard in the background behind you that you have on every show.

Speaker 2 My first question is: before you tell us what's on that one, who comes up with these for you?

Speaker 9 I do.

Speaker 1 All of them?

Speaker 1 We wrote a book.

Speaker 9 I won't promote anything. You guys can do it, but I came out with a book about two or three years ago with 2,000 of the quotes.
And

Speaker 9 people always ask ask me how'd you come up with it

Speaker 9 I was in New York with Cold Pizza with a guy whose name I forget I think he's on another network and I was doing Cold Pizza and First Take and the show that you know Stephen A and Max do now and and I was doing a show called Dream Job Do you remember that?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 9 I was a judge with Stephen A

Speaker 9 on Dream Job. And so I was doing a bunch of shows there, and all I had in the background was like this: a

Speaker 9 bookcase that had nothing in it. And they want to put helmets in the books and stuff.
And I said to my associate, I said, We need to come up with something.

Speaker 9 And he said, What are you thinking about? I said, Well, maybe we'll put a blackboard up and make fun of Jay Mariotti or something. And so we put it up.
And true story, you've dealt with ESPN.

Speaker 9 I got a call from the vice president of the ESPN. He said, Get rid of the

Speaker 9 fucking blackboard.

Speaker 9 He said, that's not ESPN.

Speaker 9 And I went, okay, I was just trying something. A week later, he called me back and he said, put the fucking blackboard.

Speaker 1 Oh, love.

Speaker 9 And he said, oh, the viewers responded. He said, no, the president of ESPN likes it.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. Sometimes it's that.
That's how it came up.

Speaker 9 But who writes?

Speaker 9 sit in the bar and write on bar napkins and the next day I'll look at the bar napkins and I go that is awful

Speaker 9 and most of them are I mean I've got four here the one behind me says

Speaker 9 wouldn't touch him with a six-foot pole is now national policy

Speaker 1 I like it I like it be safe out there that's good it's got a little bit of news to it I mean in terms of yeah so Woody I always find it fascinating you've obviously like we said at the top have been a columnist in sports for so long.

Speaker 1 So you're also part of the Pro Football Hall of Fame selection committee, which we talked to David Baker at the Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 So who, in your mind, is the greatest quarterback that you've ever seen and spoken with and covered?

Speaker 9 I think that there's a legitimate argument on best quarterback of all time. And I felt like for years and years, it was Joe Montana

Speaker 9 because, and I voted for him for the Pro Football thing.

Speaker 9 I think when you go to four Super Bowls and you win all four of them, what more you want? Terry Bradshaw really never got the attention for being a part of a Steelers team that was a dynasty.

Speaker 9 And I thought he should have gotten more attention for it, but people always thought considered him as being dumb and that

Speaker 9 he was

Speaker 9 a result of what a great defense they had and other players, Franco Harris and all those wide receivers they had. But Brady, Brady's the best in terms of what he has accomplished.

Speaker 9 And I don't think think there's any doubt about that.

Speaker 9 Joe Montana, I mentioned, but John Elway,

Speaker 9 and I go back to Johnny Unidas. How's that? Johnny Unidas, when I was young, I didn't think there'd ever be anybody as good as Johnny Unidas.

Speaker 9 And I still think he belongs in the conversation.

Speaker 9 I would put him in the top two paragraphs. if I were going to do it, but

Speaker 9 I have that debate with myself. Peyton, who I know real well because I covered Archie, his father, and we both went to Tennessee, and I knew Payton from when he was a little kid.

Speaker 9 I have a great Peyton story if you ever want it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we want it.

Speaker 9 Peyton was the best cerebral quarterback. So when you ask about that, I mean, there's never been, he totally recreated the position with the.

Speaker 9 What I said to him once, people said, well, he's got to hurry up offense. No, he had a hurry-up and wait offense, and you know that.
Yeah. He would go to the line scrimmage and

Speaker 9 diagram everything. I talked to Adam Gates one time and I said, how difficult is it? He was the offensive coordinator for the Brockers.

Speaker 9 I said, how difficult is it for you to get the plays into Peyton?

Speaker 9 He said, he wants to play the moment the last play ends. That's when he wants to play because he wants as much time as he can have.
to absorb it.

Speaker 9 So he said, while the previous play is going on, I'm coming up with two plays to give him because he's going to choose.

Speaker 9 And so I don't think there's ever been a better mental quarterback, cerebral quarterback. I don't think there's ever been a quarterback that was more creative than John Elway.
Brett Favre, John Elway,

Speaker 9 I liked both of them in regard to their creativity. And Brett Favre told me once that he copied his game after Peyton's father, Archie.

Speaker 9 And people really don't remember Archie other than being associated with his sons. And he was a great quarterback with one of the worst teams that ever existed.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 did you vote for T.O. on the first ballot?

Speaker 9 Sure, yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you just saying that?

Speaker 9 No,

Speaker 9 there was a linebacker for the New York Giants who said, don't put me in the Hall of Fame.

Speaker 9 You're a bunch of old, drunk,

Speaker 9 stupid

Speaker 9 sports writers or something. And I said,

Speaker 9 I'm not a drunk.

Speaker 9 And he said, don't put me in. I don't want to ever be put in.
And we voted him in, and he kind of forgot about all those statements. Yeah, here's the deal.
If O.J.

Speaker 9 Simpson came up today, let's say he didn't get in and he came around in the senior committee, you'd have to vote for it.

Speaker 9 Because the way that the rules for baseball, And I vote for the baseball hall of fame, baseball is totally different. Baseball's rules include that you're off-field uh Pete Bros

Speaker 9 Barry Bonds that that counts

Speaker 9 in football it's what happens between the lines so

Speaker 2 baseball's got the character clause but still couldn't you just be like OJ Simpson

Speaker 2 I'm just gonna not vote for him and hope that nobody else does either sure

Speaker 9 I'll give you an example.

Speaker 9 Ray Guy came up, who was, I think, the greatest punter up to his period of time.

Speaker 9 And a lot of people voted against Ray Guy because he was a pretty bad, and no pun intended, he was a pretty bad guy for a punter. I mean, he had a poor attitude.

Speaker 9 So I think guys look at that, but because it's a secret ballot, unlike what's going on now in baseball, where all of your ballots are revealed, that because it's a secret ballot, that...

Speaker 9 Guys might vote against somebody that they didn't like when they were playing. You know, nobody held it against Ray Lewis the first year.
He might have been involved. Well, he was involved.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was.

Speaker 2 So you are, as we said earlier, big-time Capital J. You've been around for a while.
We always joke around on the show about rooting for storylines.

Speaker 2 Would you rather write about a Denver Broncos team that goes through a season that is 11 and 5, but they average 16 points a game? They have a pretty solid defense.

Speaker 2 They win a lot of really close ones, but they're pretty boring. Or write about a team that, you know, gets into barn burners.
Let's just say, write about a team that has Tim Tebow come back.

Speaker 2 Somehow they average 30 points per game, but they go 4 and 12.

Speaker 9 Well, people who are my peers, the Bob Ryans and Bill Plasky's and

Speaker 9 Tim Kalashaws, when you ask them who they pull for,

Speaker 9 or what they pull for, they'll always take the thumbs and go, me.

Speaker 1 And that's right.

Speaker 9 for we pull for stories we don't i used to pull i've been to 32 masters i've covered 32 masters i always pull for uh playoffs that's what i pulled for but i thought that was the most fun truthfully uh when the broncos are really bad that's a lot easier to write it's a lot easier you know this it's a lot easier to be critical like the bears Don't you think that it was more fun to talk about how bad the Bears were this year than how good they were maybe the year before.

Speaker 1 Well, I'd like them to be good, but yeah, you're absolutely right.

Speaker 1 When the team gets really bad, I always say that the no man's land in the middle where they're like mediocre is just painful because then you don't

Speaker 1 get excited for being a good team or get excited to bash a really bad team. So, do you have you ever in your career cheered in the press box?

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 1 Oh, shame.

Speaker 2 Tis tiss.

Speaker 1 Shame.

Speaker 9 In 1969, 1970,

Speaker 9 I told you I'd gone to school at the University of Tennessee. They played Ole Miss.

Speaker 9 University of Mississippi, Archie Manning was the quarterback.

Speaker 9 That was my first college game to cover. They sent me to the Tennessee Old Miss game, which was both teams were undefeated.

Speaker 9 And Tennessee had fourth down

Speaker 9 and goal at the one.

Speaker 9 And the quarterback, Bobby Scott, threw it to the corner where the cone was. And if the receiver falls out this way, it goes over.
If he falls this way, it's a touchdown. He falls out of bounds.

Speaker 9 I get up in a press box in Jackson, Mississippi. You know, Mississippi has its issues with people.

Speaker 9 And I got up in the press box and I started screaming. And they all looked at me and I thought, I'm going to die here.

Speaker 9 I sat back down and I decided that's when you stopped being a fan.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you haven't done it since? Wow.

Speaker 9 Well,

Speaker 9 not even thought about it.

Speaker 9 Someone wrote me yesterday on Twitter and said,

Speaker 9 What team do you pull for? And I went, Nobody. And that's, I didn't tell them that story, but that's the truth.
And people don't really believe that. They think I've got to be a fan.

Speaker 2 Have you ever pulled a youngster aside, a young journalist aside, and told them, Hey, don't let me catch you clapping in the press box again?

Speaker 9 No, I haven't.

Speaker 9 I don't care.

Speaker 1 I like that. All right.
I got one last question for you, Woody. Thank you for joining us, by the way.
Everyone, go listen to his podcast, Unmutable.

Speaker 1 Who is the most interesting athlete you have ever covered?

Speaker 9 A guy called the Great Tombaugh.

Speaker 9 The most fun I have is going to Olympics, and I've been to 14 to 15, and if you were able to see where here, I've got a poster from every Olympics I've covered. but Albert Tamba

Speaker 9 was a skier for Italy and he won a gold medal in

Speaker 9 I don't know 92 or 94 and he came in and he didn't speak English and so people said well how did you celebrate last night he said I was up till

Speaker 9 four and o'clock in the morning with six women

Speaker 1 I remember this guy he's a good-looking guy

Speaker 9 so I thought I like this guy. He's coming with some real stuff.
So the next Olympics, he wins another gold medal. And the first, I asked the question, I said, so how did you celebrate last night?

Speaker 9 Well, his agent did the translation and said, oh, I had a bottle of milk and went to bed because I have to work out the next day.

Speaker 9 Well, that's not the quote I'm looking for after four years earlier. And someone from Detroit, a woman journalist, got up and said, I speak Italian.
That's not what he said.

Speaker 9 And everybody went, okay, what did he really say? He said, well, last time I stayed up to four o'clock with six women. I'm a lot older.

Speaker 9 I was up till 6 a.m. with four women last time.

Speaker 1 I love it. He's changing a little bit.

Speaker 9 Judy Serving for me

Speaker 9 and Michael Jordan, I've been writing about the last dance.

Speaker 9 Michael and I became friends over the years and played Blackjack together in Monte Carlo.

Speaker 2 How much money did you take off him?

Speaker 9 Got to be friends there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did he scold you if you made the wrong move on the blackjack table?

Speaker 9 I got blackjack. He got two eighths, got a third eight.

Speaker 9 I bet $25, the equivalent of $25.

Speaker 9 He bet

Speaker 9 $4,000 on the first hand.

Speaker 9 He ended up getting five eighths.

Speaker 1 Holy shit.

Speaker 9 And he ran out of money. It was about a $25,000 bet, his first bet.

Speaker 9 And he stood up and he said, Chuck, go get me some more money. And I turned around.
Charles Barclay said, he was sending Chuck to be his messenger to give me some more money. He lost all five hands.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 9 I'm celebrating by Blackjack. And he looks over to me and said, you really don't want to celebrate.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's great. I was at that casino in Monte Carlo one time.
I swear to God, red, it was either red or black. One of the two colors hit 19 times in a row.
No bullshit.

Speaker 2 There's something up with that casino.

Speaker 9 That is, were you in the original casino or the one at the end?

Speaker 2 Yeah, the real one, except it felt a little low class because they let me in. And I was expecting everybody would be around me, like wearing tuxedos like it was a Bond movie.

Speaker 2 And I'm wearing shorts looking like, you know, a strung out Joe Dirt. And they're like, yes, sure, go on in.
So that was a little disappointing.

Speaker 9 It's a very quiet. casino and it's not much fun actually but you're right it's like you walk in thinking you're going to be in a James Bond kind of atmosphere.

Speaker 9 And instead, you got me and Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, Woody, thank you.
This has been so much fun. We really appreciate it.

Speaker 1 And you're welcome back anytime. We'd love to have you back on.
So thank you very, very much.

Speaker 9 I'm going to get you guys on my show, but

Speaker 9 I'm more...

Speaker 9 interested in Hank being on my show.

Speaker 1 Yes, Hank will do on your show. He's booked.
He's booked. We're booking Hank.

Speaker 9 My best friends in television, all these shows that I've done, were the guys that were behind the camera.

Speaker 1 Yeah, uh-huh. Yes.
Hank is booked. He can do it anytime.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and schedule him. When's good for you, Woody?

Speaker 9 How about in an hour and a half? We can go to drink.

Speaker 1 Do a Zoom meeting. We're going to have Hank though.
Everyone, that's what I'm going to do.

Speaker 9 I want to have Hank on by himself one day. Yeah.
I want to have each one of you.

Speaker 1 Just ask.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we'll do it.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much, Woody.

Speaker 1 Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 10 Sebastian Maniscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st.

Speaker 1 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd. Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht, and the boxes keep

Speaker 1 coming.

Speaker 10 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on our good friend, recurring guest. It is Brian Koppelman.
He has the show Billions that you all know of, that I personally love. It is back on Sunday, May 3rd.
Tune in, 9 p.m.

Speaker 1 It's not up against anything else. So you got to tune in.
You have no excuse.

Speaker 1 Seven episodes coming up, and then you're going to tape the last five when all of of this gets back to normal. But thank you for joining us.

Speaker 1 Are we, do you want to give us one little, like, here's what you should tune in for? Who dies?

Speaker 8 Yeah, oh, everybody dies. It's right within the first five minutes, there's an explosion killing the entire cast.

Speaker 8 And it's really incredible. No one's ever seen anything like it.
And then we have to restart the whole thing. Listen, Big Cat, the fact is, here's all I'm asking you.

Speaker 8 Sometime during the seven episodes, go watch the pilot of the show. I will.

Speaker 1 I'm going to watch

Speaker 1 the fam. I don't know if you know, but I'm running a whole program out at USC and it's a lot of work, but I will get to it.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you one thing that is a very underrated part of the show is the soundtrack that goes to the show. And that's our guy, Brian, hand selects all the songs.

Speaker 2 I've actually heard that they have to sell sponsorships into the show where you've got actors doing product placement just so that you can afford the licenses for the songs that you're doing.

Speaker 8 Yeah, well, you know, Dave and I, like,

Speaker 8 Dave and I are obsessed music fans.

Speaker 8 And yeah, the way Showtime does a really cool thing, which is any product placement stuff, instead of them taking it to like defray the budgetary costs, which like a lot of places would just be like, hey, we want you guys to have the character drinking whatever.

Speaker 8 They never say it. But if we have the character do something like that, and then we say to a brand, hey,

Speaker 8 you know, if you're into this, the character will drink, you know, we can work something out. Every dollar that we get to spend on the show, how we want, and it's always for music.

Speaker 8 So like we had a Led Zeppelin song last year and Led Zeppelin songs are expensive, but we were able to work it out that way. And so, that's how we roll on it.

Speaker 8 It's a really cool thing that normally companies don't do, and

Speaker 8 we're very psyched that they let us do that and

Speaker 8 get the songs that we want to get.

Speaker 2 Right before we get into the Mount Flushmore, it's Mount Rushmore.

Speaker 1 We're doing a Mount Flushmore.

Speaker 2 We're doing an actual Mount Rushmore, that's right. Yeah, before we get into that, I have been reading stuff that said, you know, that takes us back through history and says when there was

Speaker 2 when we had the plague, the bubonic plague over in europe that's when shakespeare wrote not only king lear but also macbeth so what famous work are you cranking out right now that we're going to talk about in a thousand years it was like a text i sent you guys where i said hey i could come on for a few minutes to bullshit tonight that's fantastic that's it that's it i think that's my shakespeare rounders

Speaker 8 okay rounders too is in in the works yeah well you know i was thinking actually that the two of you guys would be a really good worm and mike there we go if you i mean that would i mean it would work in in a way if you think about it.

Speaker 1 And we get to sell all of our own ads and you can make it. Yeah, and then we can buy NASCAR drivers within poker.

Speaker 2 Because then we use the money, we just buy drink paint and we play that as the only soundtrack and we make that money.

Speaker 1 Well, how about this? Here's the deal. We'll do your rounders two.

Speaker 1 Any money we win while playing poker in rounders two, we get to keep.

Speaker 1 And you have me winning the World Series of poker at the end.

Speaker 8 So we played this. You guys are going to like this.
I think I've never, never, I do not think this story has ever been told. Maybe once somewhere, but when we went to promote the movie,

Speaker 8 it was Matt and Edward and

Speaker 8 Levine and

Speaker 8 me, and we went to Vegas to the World Series of poker. And someone had organized within it a charity poker tournament.

Speaker 8 And the movie studio put up $10,000 to the charity. The movie studio and Binion's Casino, I guess, put up $10,000 for whoever won this little like eight-person

Speaker 8 poker tournament. And two of the guys who played in it were like the technical advisors on rounders, and they were these half-wise guys,

Speaker 8 the kind of guy who in Vegas were wearing Hawaiian shirts the whole time. And

Speaker 8 one of them came back from an interaction with a Vegas call girl stripper. And I remember saying this, saying

Speaker 8 to the guy,

Speaker 8 he said, oh, yeah, I just spent a lovely half hour with, you know, Teresa.

Speaker 8 And we said, being innocent and young, and they were a little older. And we said, did you use protection?

Speaker 8 And he said,

Speaker 8 nah, she was clean. And we said, how do you know? And he said,

Speaker 8 I smelled her ass when I was doing her doggy. So those are, that's the kind of, I'm just saying, that's the kind of guy we're dealing with.
So we play this charity poker tournament.

Speaker 8 And that guy, like, I guess, cheated to win and he wins and the head of the movie studio flips him a ten thousand dollar chip and and is like make sure that this gets to charity the charity and um

Speaker 8 he was like well of course sir and um later that night we saw him take it and put it on uh like a uh red yeah in the roulette table and just try to roll into um a whole weekend we were very young and and in a certain way,

Speaker 8 shockingly sort of naive to certain aspects of the way things went.

Speaker 1 That's a great story. I would do the same thing.

Speaker 8 But that'd be like you guys doing that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and you double it, and then you give that half to charity, and then you get your own again.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. You keep doubling it.
And then next thing you know, you own Vegas. All right, we're going to do the Mount Rushmore.

Speaker 1 So this idea came from your phenomenon that is everyone tweeting you their coffee mugs every single morning. And hashtag Royale.
What is the Royale?

Speaker 8 I just decided the first cup of coffee in the morning is so special.

Speaker 8 I thought it needed its its own name like it's you know nothing brings like when you think about when you wake up and you that first cup of coffee really like it just changes everything and um i decided just for my own quirky i like just named it the royale for myself and then i would talk about it on my podcast sometimes and uh then occasionally would just tweet a picture of me with the coffee but never thinking it was anything that would catch on i even use a hashtag in the beginning and then a buddy of mine was like dude it's my friend tom cretchmar he's a real life and internet friend He said, he posted a picture of himself and he said, I think it would really connect us all if, like, since we're all so separated because of COVID, if we could share this coffee together, like we're having coffee together in the morning.

Speaker 8 I loved it. And so I, then I told people, hey, start sharing your pictures.
So all these people start doing it. And then another guy

Speaker 8 who actually runs a poker site, Lance Bradley, he said, you should make mugs with your picture and give to your favorite charity. And a third dude, this guy, Chris Sylvester, said,

Speaker 8 Gregory Sylvester said, I'll design them. And he's a designer.
And he sent this hilarious design with me looking absurd in a crown.

Speaker 8 And

Speaker 8 all the money goes to the Food Bank in New York. You can go to theRoyaleBK.com and get the official mug.
But even if you don't get the official mug, the idea is that

Speaker 8 in the morning, it's great. And I had no idea, but I mean, you've seen it.

Speaker 8 Hundreds of people start sending in pictures of themselves.

Speaker 1 It's great. It's great because it is true.
The first cup of coffee is the best.

Speaker 1 It's all I look forward forward to it is the best so this is the mount rushmore of life's little victories like that first cup of coffee in the morning now you're our guest so you can start so it's a snake draft so you'll go then pft then i get two then it will swing back pft then you get two until we get four and we're going to go life's small victories actual mount rushmore uh because of the royale so if you want to pick the royale you can take the royale as number one which is a great one but you can

Speaker 8 safe one to do i will say this uh

Speaker 8 getting

Speaker 8 over seven minutes of cardio in.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's good. Good one.
During this.

Speaker 2 The seven minutes is when you want to tap out, usually, if you get past that first thing.

Speaker 8 If you can just get past that seven, eight minutes of cardio during this thing, I think you can call it a win. You can say you did cardio that day.

Speaker 1 Yes. Okay.
Good first pick. Good first pick.

Speaker 2 For my first one, I'm going to go with the first time you step inside and feel that blast of air conditioning on a super hot day. Yes.

Speaker 2 Like we were down in Miami for the all-star game a couple years ago and it was about 99% humidity, but you step in that door and it just, it feels like heaven. Just heaven washes over you.

Speaker 1 That's a good first pick. All right, I'm going to go with my first pick, which actually is kind of off of the music discussion.

Speaker 1 When you have the perfect song come on, whether it be in the car or when you're walking and you feel like you're in a movie and it's like that, everyone knows that perfect song.

Speaker 1 You don't get it often.

Speaker 1 It's usually once a week, once a month if you're lucky, but when that perfect song hits for your mood, for the weather, for everything, and it just feels like you are in the middle of your own movie, nothing better than that.

Speaker 2 Now, inside of that moment, there's another moment that I found music because I thought about this too. Have you ever listened to a song for the first time?

Speaker 2 And for maybe after like 45 seconds or a minute into it, you know that you're going to go back and listen to the song another hundred times.

Speaker 2 Is that good? Yes. That's a great feeling, knowing that you're about to wear out a song that you haven't worn out yet.

Speaker 1 Yes, that is a very good one. All right, my second pick is going to be when you wear a comfortable sweatshirt for the first time

Speaker 1 before its first wash. Big.
And you never want to take it off. I'll sometimes not wash a sweatshirt for a couple weeks because it's like you just have to that softness, it fits right.

Speaker 1 It hasn't shrunk at all. You got the strings perfectly.
You know, when you lose a string in the hoodie. Yeah, it gets, yeah, or it gets all screwed up.

Speaker 1 And maybe the elastic on the bottom gets screwed up, but that first wear of a sweatshirt, you feel like you could conquer the world when you're wearing a fresh, new, perfectly fitting sweatshirt.

Speaker 8 That's a huge one for me. As a guy who was big, not as big as I was, but that's a big, a huge one, the right sweatshirt.

Speaker 1 It's like almost like an invisibility cloak. You're like, I can conquer the world.
No one can fuck with me in this beautiful new sweatshirt. And then you wash it and it's gone.
Yeah. It's gone.

Speaker 2 Well, it becomes a part of you if you wear it like five or six times in a row without washing.

Speaker 1 And you had the little fuzzies on your arm. I love those.
Yeah. Yeah.
All right. Your second pick.

Speaker 2 My second pick is going to be

Speaker 2 when you come home from a vacation, you've been gone for a week, maybe a week and a half, two weeks, and your dog sees you for the first time.

Speaker 2 Because you feel like the best person in the world.

Speaker 2 No matter what kind of shitty moves you pulled on that vacation, you come home, you walk in the door, and your dog just treats you like you're a superstar.

Speaker 2 And it's tough to come down from that feeling. I actually believe it when he thinks I'm a superstar.
I agree.

Speaker 1 I agree. Good pick.

Speaker 1 All right, Brian, you have two now.

Speaker 8 All right. One is the first either baseball or football catch you get to have when it turns into warm weather.

Speaker 8 And throwing,

Speaker 8 like if you, when you throw the first spiral of the year and you actually like, your shoulder doesn't hurt, you can actually just like let it go.

Speaker 8 I know I'm not talking to two guys who throw a lot of footballs necessarily, but for me, that feeling of like being out there and just reminds me why I fucking love sports and why I've loved connecting in that way my whole life.

Speaker 8 And

Speaker 8 that I, that when I was a kid, my dad would always have a catch with me. And even if he came home late from work, like I, my, my pop was really cool about sports in that way.

Speaker 8 And like I did the same with my son.

Speaker 8 And I'll say that like I just, when you asked the question, I looked across and I see a football and like we went out the other day and it was windy and we started throwing and that feeling of, you know, going for make a down and out and catching it when you're kind of in rhythm and then spinning and throwing it.

Speaker 8 I mean, that's a pretty magical kind of moment because it connects you to who you were as a kid and who you are now.

Speaker 1 You know how there's always like signs that you need to see a doctor? Like if you have something wrong with you, you're like, oh, there's something, you know, wrong. I need to go check it out.

Speaker 1 I think there's a sign of, are you still alive when someone's throwing a baseball or a football in your vicinity and you have to

Speaker 2 say, yo, throw it here.

Speaker 1 If you don't say throw it here,

Speaker 1 you're just dead. You're dead inside.
Think

Speaker 1 you're dead.

Speaker 8 That's so awesome. I couldn't agree with you.
I couldn't agree with you more. And then my second one, flinging it around,

Speaker 8 is

Speaker 8 that feeling, you guys both have facial hair. You know that feeling when you successfully carve around the mustache or goatee without taking it off accidentally? Yes.

Speaker 1 That is a.

Speaker 2 I know. My facial hair is so bad.
If I know I managed to do something good, it's totally out of luck.

Speaker 8 But when there's a moment, that moment, because you know, you could easily just slide the thing and then you got to shave yourself clean.

Speaker 1 Or you get like a little too high on one end, and then you got to get a little too high, and it just ruins the whole thing. It's a very precarious situation.

Speaker 8 It is. So you wait, right? You don't really fuck with it for a while and you let the thing grow in.
But then when you finally have to deal with it and you kind of pull it off successfully,

Speaker 8 I don't know. It puts a little bit of pep in your step.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's true. It's a good point.
All right, Peter. Some of you shoot for it for me.

Speaker 2 My third is going to be

Speaker 2 when you enter a stadium and you're walking around the concourse and you see that little sliver of grass for the first time through the cement wall, you know, that like little tiny bit as you're going out to your seat?

Speaker 2 That feeling, I feel that in my stomach every time I do it, it never loses its magic ever.

Speaker 1 Yep, that's a great one. Absolutely.
The first time you see the uniforms, the grass, nothing better. All right, my last two.
My third one is going to be when you get the perfect

Speaker 1 bite of pizza. And what I mean by that is it's got some crust, but it also has some tomato sauce and cheese left right before you get full crust.
So it's the transition bite.

Speaker 1 And if you can time it perfectly, if you can get your, it's like a long jumper getting his steps correctly. If you can get that step correctly and you get that perfect bite of pizza, beautiful.

Speaker 2 You bring up a good point because you have to take the two bites before that.

Speaker 1 You have to think about it.

Speaker 2 You have the right proportion. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You got to be seeing the board like a chessboard and being like, all right, I'm getting close. I got to make sure I leave a little bit here.

Speaker 8 This might be the closest I've ever felt to another another human being.

Speaker 1 Right now.

Speaker 1 I knew you'd like that one.

Speaker 1 That is so,

Speaker 8 that is so deep to me.

Speaker 1 Yes. I knew you'd like that one.

Speaker 1 All right. My last pick is going to be,

Speaker 1 it is

Speaker 1 more of a vibe. So it's...

Speaker 1 Everyone knows the golden hour, but I'm talking specifically a fall golden hour. So the sun is setting and you get that smell of either burnt leaves or a fire off in the distance.

Speaker 1 A wood fire, fire, not an actual fire that's like uncontrollable, but that beautiful sun is setting, crisp air mixed with a little bit of burnt leaves wood, that right there, if you could bottle that up, you'd be a billionaire.

Speaker 1 That's it.

Speaker 2 It is nice.

Speaker 1 It's very nice. There's usually also when I'm losing every bet and I'm just looking at my phone, not actually enjoying the moment, but still alive.

Speaker 2 It reminds me of football. Yeah, that's a football smell right there.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Especially if you've been cooped up all day watching football and you're like, you know what i'm gonna go outside and take a little bit of a walk and and you get that you catch that and it's it basically gives you just new life it's valuable they need to sell a candle that has that smell just football scented candle yes um my last one is gonna be

Speaker 2 uh when you when you pull out a cool ranch dorito from the packet and it has the exact right amount of seasoning on it yep and i'm talking like not completely overloaded but just a thick coating on it on either side so you don't know even which side you want to put, tongue down or tongue up.

Speaker 2 Just like the perfect Dorito is such a nice little treat.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's a good one. That's a good one.
All right, your last one, Brian.

Speaker 8 My last one is very clear to me for, and I love the ones that you guys just did. My last one

Speaker 8 is

Speaker 8 when you decide it's time for a good fella's rewatch,

Speaker 8 and you and you sit down to watch it, and that opening song, Ragster Rich, comes in, but watching it from there right up until the end of the Air France heist.

Speaker 8 That first 50 minutes of Goodfellas, for me, is total Mount Rushmore, right up until Air France made me and I did the right thing. And he gives the money to Paulie.
And that, to me, is perfection.

Speaker 1 I love that one because I had a similar one in my honorable mentions of when you sit down on the couch and you catch the beginning of a great rewatchable movie, like just starting organically.

Speaker 1 And Goodfellas is definitely on that list where it's like you're cruising, can't find anything to watch. Boom, Goodfellas is just starting.
And you're like, all right, there goes my next two hours.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 What other, we do quick honorable mentions. The other one I had on there was the first week of new sneakers when you feel like you could be an athlete.

Speaker 1 When you have that tightness to it and a little bounce in it.

Speaker 2 The second half of the first week after you're done breaking in all the rough edges.

Speaker 1 But that bounce, that bounce where you're like, I could totally see how I could be a marathon runner or like dunk a basketball just from that little bounce.

Speaker 1 And then it goes away and you're like, oh yeah, I'm a flat-footed fuck. But that little moment is great.

Speaker 2 I had, if you're in financially dire straits, maybe you're a young kid coming out of college and you're on a date, you're out to a nice meal, and the server brings back your credit card and it was not declined.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 2 you had that moment of, I'm not totally sure if this is going to work or not. And when it comes back and you're all clear, you probably only have like $5 left on your limit or whatever.

Speaker 2 You know, you went right up to that edge, but it's such a great feeling of relief. Yes.

Speaker 8 Do either of you guys know how to drive a stick shift car? Totally.

Speaker 1 Very poor.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't, I know how to drive it. You wouldn't want to ride with me while you're driving it.

Speaker 8 Because the moment in a stick shift, you end up in a stick shift car when you complete a perfect downshift from third to second going into a corner and you fucking nail it.

Speaker 8 So you accelerate right just the moment of nailing that thing and accelerating into a corner. You feel like

Speaker 8 you feel like you're a rock star.

Speaker 1 That's a great one. There's also

Speaker 1 in driving in New York City when you hit all the green lights and you feel like a surfer.

Speaker 1 No, never.

Speaker 8 I mean, that's once a year, right?

Speaker 1 No, once a year. I'll get it because I drive on Sundays because you can park for free.
So we'll leave at like one or two in the morning.

Speaker 1 And if I can hit it, I legit feel like a, you never have to hit the gas pedal and you can go the entire like half of Manhattan Manhattan without having to touch or the brake pedal and it's the best feeling.

Speaker 8 I have one honorable mention that goes with your pizza thing and your Doritos thing and it's this.

Speaker 8 It's really good one for me. It's when you get whatever your favorite soda is at if you get to an old pizza place that still has a soda fountain with the perfect mix of the serum

Speaker 1 to the bottom.

Speaker 1 It can never be replicated in a can or a bottle. No, no.

Speaker 8 When it's just nailed

Speaker 8 exactly the way you like it, like not too carbonated, maybe just the right amount of carbonation with just the right amount of

Speaker 8 the soda syrup. And again, that's the kind of thing only happens a couple times a year that it's just perfectly nailed.
And you just feel like, okay, this could be it. This could be my death row meal.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 A slice of pizza.

Speaker 1 And that's a good one.

Speaker 1 That's a Shawshank beer. It is called a Shawshank beer.
On a rooftop.

Speaker 2 I would put that right up with having the perfect order of fries, like a fry that comes out to you perfectly crispy,

Speaker 2 just exactly salty.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a stray onion ring.

Speaker 2 Or a tater tot that lost its way,

Speaker 2 found its way up in the basket.

Speaker 1 I've done this forever. God damn it.

Speaker 2 This is actually making me feel better.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it does. What about the Mount Rush boy?

Speaker 2 What about when you're like maybe almost running late for an appointment and you get to your elevator and the elevator is at your floor already?

Speaker 1 Right. Or similar, when you're running late and the train shows up the minute you get down on the platform.
That is crazy amazing.

Speaker 2 That's interesting. How about flipping over an egg and not breaking the yolk at all?

Speaker 1 Yep. Yep.

Speaker 8 Yeah,

Speaker 8 a great accomplishment. I agree with you.
A great accomplishment, though I'd say this: the work required maybe makes it not quite exactly the thing we're talking about.

Speaker 1 Yeah, which are like moments of serendipity. Right.

Speaker 8 That requires a little bit of training, but these things are just like amazing moments.

Speaker 1 The only other one I had was when you accidentally

Speaker 1 are just about to

Speaker 1 reply all on an email when you're not supposed to, and you catch yourself, that shit is addicted. Magic.

Speaker 1 That's like dodging a train. It's just like, holy fuck, I could have just, my whole world could have come down, but I caught myself at the last second.

Speaker 8 The adrenaline, because you know why? Because the adrenaline rush and the relief at the same time.

Speaker 8 You get adrenaline and cortisol somehow balance out in the perfect way.

Speaker 2 Logging into a website that you haven't been to in like five or six years and nailing the password on the first try. Yep.
That's such a good feeling.

Speaker 8 That's a a young man's game right there.

Speaker 1 It's a young man's game.

Speaker 2 Nailing That's what she said joke.

Speaker 1 Yes, Michael Scott. Yes.
Getting it perfectly.

Speaker 2 And what, just a walk-off. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. This has been fantastic.
We could go forever. We, Brian, thank you so much.

Speaker 1 Everyone tune in to Billions Sunday night. Like I said, 9 p.m.

Speaker 8 This is the plan. Let me tell the plan.
The plan is, so the last, look, I love the last dance. I haven't missed that episode.
I can't wait for it.

Speaker 8 But here's the thing. There are commercials in Last Dance.
So all you need to do is DVR Last Dance, watch Billions in its slot.

Speaker 8 Also, if you don't want to do that, Billions becomes available at 12.01 Saturday night when it becomes Sunday.

Speaker 1 So watch it

Speaker 1 on demand.

Speaker 8 You can watch it all day Sunday, get ready, and then do Last Dance or just tape Last Dance, watch Billions, and then roll into the two episodes and you don't have to do commercials.

Speaker 8 Hey, guys, you guys are awesome. Thanks for having me on to talk about this stuff.
I feel better too. I love this.
And I'm going to go chase that slice of pizza.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and we'll see you tomorrow morning with the Royale.

Speaker 1 Royale tomorrow morning. Yes.
Love it. All right.
Thank you, Brian. Appreciate it.
See you, man. Bye, fellas.

Speaker 1 All right, we'll wrap up here. We have bad visual Alex Smith's leg.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 How?

Speaker 2 Are you asking, like, how ESPN got it before?

Speaker 1 No, I'm asking how does he still have his leg? It's nuts.

Speaker 2 It is, it's a terrifying reminder of what can happen to really anyone if you break your leg. Because a lot of times people think broken leg, oh, not a big deal.

Speaker 2 They actually shoot horse race horses over that. But Alex Smith broke his.
It was a compound fracture and it got super infected. He needed like 20 surgeries or something.

Speaker 2 I'm probably making that number up. No, it's 24.
He 24 surgeries to clean it all up.

Speaker 1 Also, made that up. Okay.

Speaker 2 It looked like if you left a gusher out in the sun for eight hours,

Speaker 2 it was bad.

Speaker 1 Are you looking at it right now, Bilba?

Speaker 2 I'm glad he's all right.

Speaker 2 Is he? Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 1 Maybe not, though. Like, mentally, I don't think I'd I'd ever get over that.

Speaker 2 Spin zone: if you're an R-words player and you get injured, you don't have to hang out with Bruce Allen all the time because he's going to not visit you in the hospital. True.

Speaker 2 So, you're going to have to hang out with that dick bag.

Speaker 1 He also, yeah, Alex Smith, oof, get better. Well, he's better, maybe.
He's also got a lot of money. Yeah.
So, that's good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and he's probably regarded as one of the most solid dudes in the NFL. He's a dude.
He's a solid dude. He's a solid guy.

Speaker 1 He's a great guy.

Speaker 2 Recurring guest. Recurring guest, and he's going to to go somewhere in a front office and make a lot of money for a long time.
Oh,

Speaker 1 nice. Okay.

Speaker 2 You just get better at quarterback by hanging out next to him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 Hank, guys on checks.

Speaker 1 Hello, gentlemen.

Speaker 1 What up?

Speaker 2 What's up?

Speaker 1 My boyfriend is constantly spreading his legs out and rapidly shaking his body to, quote-unquote, unstick his ball sack from his legs. Yep.
Is this normal? Yep.

Speaker 2 You could just, like, pinch it, do the old pinch and twirl.

Speaker 1 That's absolutely normal. I don't know if it's, depending on where you live right now, it shouldn't be normal.
Like if he's doing it in the winter, maybe not so normal.

Speaker 2 Well, inside a house, you don't know what type of environment she keeps.

Speaker 1 True. But yeah,

Speaker 1 I feel like that's one of life's biggest rivalries is women not understanding that we like to touch our testicles all the time.

Speaker 2 It's not always for pleasure. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's a twofer where it can be both business and pleasure.

Speaker 1 A lot of times it's just being like, yep, they're still there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, a lot of times you just have to, you know, you have to make sure that it's hanging independently. Yeah.
And it's for your own good, too. He's trying to stay fertile.

Speaker 1 Sup soon-to-be Thicker Cat and TikTok honk. I'm actually on a diet.
Thank you very much. I was bored listening to some of the OG episodes of PMT on my flight home the other day.

Speaker 1 Comma there.

Speaker 1 I was bored. Comma

Speaker 1 listening to some of the OG episodes. There's no comma here.
Fuck.

Speaker 1 And notice PFT didn't say love you guys at the end of any of them. Can he remember the exact moment he fell in love with us AWS? Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 I've always been in love, but I wanted to hear you guys say it first.

Speaker 1 Wow. When was it?

Speaker 2 I've been burned before.

Speaker 1 Jake Marsh. Find out when the first Love You Guys.

Speaker 2 If I remember, I think the first episode I wanted to say something like Tony Kornheiser. I might have said like, love you, Mexico, because he always says good night, Canada.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But eventually I just said that I love you. I just, I couldn't hold it in anymore, and I just, I was about to burst.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what people don't see

Speaker 1 PFT actually masturbates when he says that every single episode when we finish.

Speaker 2 No, I'm just right in front of him. I'm feeling it from the side of my leg.

Speaker 1 He just furiously masturbates while saying, Love you guys. Speaking of masturbation, how many jerk-offs per day is acceptable during self-quarantine?

Speaker 2 It depends on your situation. There are a lot of factors that go into that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can't just, yeah, you can't just. If you're by yourself and you're like in your early 20s, I'd imagine it's become a disgusting act if you're by yourself in your early 30s.

Speaker 1 Well, what's the difference? Probably. Well, you probably don't have as much much tea, bro.
Oh, man. I can't wait till you lose your tea.
I would say as a guy who's lost all his tea, it sucks.

Speaker 2 If you're 23 and your ceiling doesn't have stalactites coming from it yet,

Speaker 2 then you've got some low tea issues. You might want to get that cleaned up.

Speaker 1 When are you guys going to do another part of my bake?

Speaker 1 Never. Never.

Speaker 1 Never, ever. Definitely, definitely never.

Speaker 1 Hey, boys, especially Spiral Ham's jockey. I couldn't help but notice that on the cover of Sports Illustrated, Coach Douglas is wearing a wedding ring.

Speaker 1 How does Mrs. Hollywood Dougs feel about the latest coaching move? Well,

Speaker 1 the Doug storyline has his family has been left in Toledo, so they're two stops behind.

Speaker 1 So, how does Mrs. Hollywood Dougs feel about the latest coaching news? What's oh, the latest coaching news? Like, just her, how is she doing? She's in Toledo, so she's not even Hollywood Doug's.

Speaker 1 She's Central Ohio.

Speaker 2 But what you're saying is that he separates work from home.

Speaker 1 He's out just strictly working on i told the family when i get a head coaching job i will bring you along and not a moment sooner and whoops i got another

Speaker 2 yeah oc job and guess what she's got a very important job too she's the head coach of the household yes so he doesn't want to interfere with that yes exactly um

Speaker 1 yeah so that's that's the story but yeah dougs has been rumored to be with like jennifer anderson i think some hot hot people out in la dougs is gonna probably have a heart attack soon Damn.

Speaker 1 All right, last one. Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
I tripped and fell. My boyfriend licked my ass while I was on the ground crying.
Yep. I don't know how to bring it up because it was kind of odd.

Speaker 1 What do I do? Wait, you're dating your dog? Yeah, it sounds like a dog.

Speaker 2 She tripped and fell, and her dog licked her boyfriend.

Speaker 1 Boyfriend.

Speaker 2 Wait, she tripped and fell.

Speaker 1 I tripped and fell. My boyfriend licked my ass.

Speaker 2 Okay, so what's I don't understand what the embarrassment is.

Speaker 1 I don't know how to bring it up because it was kind of odd. I think you're dating your dog.
I think that's the embarrassment.

Speaker 1 Your dog licked your ass, and you've been calling your dog your boyfriend because you have quarantine brain.

Speaker 2 That could be it.

Speaker 1 Don't fuck your dog.

Speaker 2 Also, just whatever happens.

Speaker 1 Unless he's really hot.

Speaker 2 Whatever weird sexual things happen during this quarantine situation, just forget about it the second that it's over. We're all going through our own thing right now.
Just no judgment zone.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I agree. I mean, Hank and I are going to cut each other's hair.

Speaker 2 Yeah, eventually.

Speaker 1 Who do you think, what, another week?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I feel like I have to Big Bennett.
Like, I'm not going to, I'm not going to cut my hair until, like, I can go to the club

Speaker 1 type deal. What do you mean? Like, Big Ben's not shaving his beard until he throws another pass.

Speaker 2 Ah, you're doing your own Baldwin thing. You're going Eau Naturale.

Speaker 1 Nice. I don't know.
I mean, that's, I don't know. I don't know.
I will say this, too.

Speaker 1 I do think about like, because it is fun to be like, oh, the first time everyone's out together, it's going to be like the most amazing night ever. But it's also something that always, like,

Speaker 1 it, it makes me excited to think about and and then makes me like depressed because i'm like i don't see that happening like in june i don't really see it happening in july like when is that because

Speaker 1 and if it's football tailgates every football tailgate this fall will be the greatest thing ever do you think that when we get back but i don't like i don't i don't i don't what if we go out as i say that out loud i don't want to end the podcast on a bad note but as i say it out loud it just doesn't seem realistic what if we go out and we hit the bars and we're like you know what I kind of miss being at home.

Speaker 2 That's never happened. You don't think that's going to happen?

Speaker 1 There will be some nostalgia. Yeah.
Absolutely. People are going to be like, oh, days of working from home.
Yeah. Absolutely.

Speaker 2 There's going to be like, I wish no. No, but I'm talking about like

Speaker 1 Saturday night.

Speaker 1 Yeah, our jobs are fun. So it's like, that will be different.
Like, but someone who's just working at nine to five, having being able to work remotely from home has been probably awesome.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 you're saying the things I've been saying. I don't really understand how

Speaker 1 life is going to return until there's a vaccine.

Speaker 1 So make the fucking vaccine. That's my point.
Get on the make the vaccine train with me, Hank. Just make the fucking bath scene.

Speaker 2 Do it. Love you guys.

Speaker 1 Talking away.

Speaker 1 Now I'm not one.

Speaker 1 Today's a lot of days.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 on me.

Speaker 1 I've

Speaker 1 been taking all the

Speaker 1 needless to say.

Speaker 1 Senator Spurbe

Speaker 1 stole a little way.

Speaker 1 Slowly learning that life is okay.

Speaker 1 Say after me.

Speaker 1 It's the better to be safe than sorry.

Speaker 1 It's the better to be safe than sorry.

Speaker 1 Drink on me.

Speaker 1 Drink on me.

Speaker 1 All the things that you say,

Speaker 1 oh,

Speaker 1 just to play my worries away.

Speaker 1 Through all the things I've got to remember,

Speaker 1 you shine away.

Speaker 1 I'll be coming for anyway

Speaker 1 I'll be coming for you anyway

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 me Take

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 I'll

Speaker 1 go

Speaker 1 that I'll

Speaker 1 go

Speaker 1 It's part and my take presented by Barstool Sports.