NFL Draft, Packers Jordan Love, Mt Flushmore Of Drinks + Dungeons And Dragons

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Speaker 1 On today's part of my Take the NFL draft, we get real sports to talk about. We're going to break down the entire first round.
We have Jordan Love, now Green Bay Packer, on the show.

Speaker 1 We actually interviewed him at 2 o'clock before he became the starter for the Green Bay Packers, but he got drafted by the Packers late in the first round. We have him.

Speaker 1 We also have a bonus, a little extra, something different.

Speaker 1 Dungeons and Dragons. We learned how to play Dungeons and Dragons.
It's actually a two-year-old interview, but it's something that a lot of people haven't heard. It's very, very funny.

Speaker 1 Perfect little Friday, you know, something else, something different. We have a Fire Fest, and then we have the Mount Flushmore of non-alcoholic drinks.

Speaker 3 When cool, creamy ranch meets tangy, bold buffalo, the whole is greater than the sum of its sauce. Say howdy, partner, to new Buffalo Ranch sauce, only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Speaker 1 At participating, McDonald's. Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 Now in the street, there is violence.

Speaker 1 And then I love some work to be done.

Speaker 1 Look at the hannah, no washing.

Speaker 1 And then I can't blame all on the sun. Oh no, we're gonna rock down to electric Ivenu,

Speaker 1 and then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're gonna rock down to Elite Trick Iven. It's part of my take, presented by

Speaker 1 welcome to Pardon My Take presented by the Cash App Code. Download it right now.
Use code RStool. You get $10 for free, $10 for the ASPCA.
Today is Friday, April 24th.

Speaker 1 Sports are back. The NFL draft boys.

Speaker 1 It felt so good to watch something new and feel alive for a minute. And also, even like right now, we're in the studio.
It's 12:30. It feels good to be in the studio at 12:30.
It does.

Speaker 1 It reminds us of the days of yore. That was a fun draft.
It had a little bit of chaos, a little bit of technical difficulties. It had Jordan Love usurping Aaron Rodgers as a future

Speaker 1 patch.

Speaker 1 And we'll get to that.

Speaker 1 But overall, it was a fun night watching as close to sports as we can get right now. Yes, it was.
And it did start off very chalk.

Speaker 1 So we'll kind of go through it, talk about what we liked, what we didn't like.

Speaker 1 First of all, the setup is very interesting, obviously.

Speaker 1 Trey Wingo explained it, but it didn't really hit me until we saw all the draft parties with like four people at it. And you're like, that kind of sucks.
It was weird.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a couple parties had like one sad balloon in the corner. Yes.
That was weird because you can't go out to a party store. Those are closed.
No one's talking about that.

Speaker 1 The general manager's setups that they had, the coaches' setups, some of them were much better than others. I think Mike Varable clearly won the night.

Speaker 1 In his room, he had a guy that looked like a mix between... All his sons, I think.
All his sons. One of his sons looked like a mix between the water boy Adam Sandler and Joe Dirt.

Speaker 1 The other was taking a shit, I believe. He was sitting on a barstool.
Intentionally looking like he was taking a shit, in my professional opinion.

Speaker 1 And then another guy dressed up like Mr. Freeze.
Yes. The only other one that I had that was close to that.
He looked like he was shitting out of his mouth. He was spitting so much.
It was dip.

Speaker 1 It was great. The only other one I had close to that was Mike Zimmer because Mike Zimmer was looking at a computer as if the computer was trying to rob him.

Speaker 1 And he also had a big cast iron logo in front of his fireplace. It said Zimmer Ridge.
Oh, yeah. And Zimmer Ridge sounds fucking sick.
You met our boy Cliff. Oh, Cliff.
Cliff has got

Speaker 1 some party boys.

Speaker 1 Glennie Balls on Twitter said it perfectly. He said it's literally Ryan Gossling's character from Crazy Stupid Love.

Speaker 1 I was shocked that Zimmer or that Kingsbury didn't have a Peloton in that room. That looked like it was pulled directly from one of their commercials.

Speaker 1 Cliff Kingsbury has a house that was sold to him by the hottest real estate agent in Arizona. And he likes, not even hottest, like, I'm not talking even like attractiveness.

Speaker 1 I'm saying the guy who everyone or the girls, everyone's like, you got to talk to this person. They brought him there.

Speaker 1 He was wowed by the fake grass in the backyard in the fucking fire pit that he probably has never even used because it's the perfect house that's built for a bachelor but is like 10,000 square feet.

Speaker 1 So it's actually built for like a family of nine. Yeah, he definitely went to his realtor.

Speaker 1 He was like, hey, I need a house that is going to be the easiest to clean off all the bodily fluids that will be spilled onto the ground. So it's, I need marble floors and then a zero-scaped backyard.

Speaker 1 So we started the draft. We had, obviously, our man, Joe Burrow, go number one, which was great.
We all expected it.

Speaker 1 By the way, did you see last night on Sports Center? SVP had a a montage? The Bengals.

Speaker 1 The Bengals have had eight times in the history of the NFL draft, the pick directly after them ending up being a Hall of Famer. Oh, that's tough.
It's insane. That's tough.

Speaker 1 Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. But Joe Burrow to the Bengals.
We all expected it. Happy for him.

Speaker 1 I think that was like the, no one really thought there was going to be any, even

Speaker 1 when they tried to make it a story, like, oh, the Dolphins called about it. It's like, everyone knew the Bengals were going to just not fuck it up.
So credit to the Bengals.

Speaker 1 Well, that's good for my Washington R words, too. If the pick after him ends up being a Hall of Famer, Chase Young is going to be great.

Speaker 1 I do think Chase Young is going to be awesome. He's going to be very good.
But yeah, Joe Burrow was a no-brainer pick.

Speaker 1 He actually went up on my big board today higher than number one because he had his draft party catered by Buffalo Wild Wings, which is the happiest place on earth. Nice.

Speaker 1 Oh, there's Zimmer Ridge right now. Zimmer Ridge.
Look at it. How many? Zimmer Ridge Ranch.
He's got four dead animals plastered to his wall. Yeah.
And Jerry Jones is on a yacht.

Speaker 1 Jerry Jones was in a hilarious, like, just in way too big white couch, which you just, you know, he sits on that, and he probably just sits on it and yells at anyone who ever has brought a drink even close to it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Jerry Jones's yacht, it's like a boat filled with rooms. You remember those rooms that you had at your rich friend's house that you weren't allowed to go into?

Speaker 1 Usually it was like to the right of the stairway that no one touched. That was precisely.
The sitting room. The sitting room.
Jerry Jones just has a full sitting room.

Speaker 1 No, he's got a full house of sitting rooms. He's a full house of sitting rooms.

Speaker 1 It's literally on his yacht. Yeah, it is.
It's on his boat. Yeah, he's on his yacht.
Yeah, for sure. It's nicer than any room in in my house.
Anyone's house.

Speaker 1 All right, so we had Joe Burrow, and then it did go chalk to start.

Speaker 1 And I'm happy that Tua went to the Dolphins. One, because something about Tua is going to look awesome in that Dolphins colors, and they haven't had a quarterback in a long time,

Speaker 1 except for Jay Cutler. And Tua, like that.

Speaker 1 The smoke of Justin Herbert jumping Tua was making me so mad because Tua is so much better than Justin Herbert. No offense offense to Justin Herbert.

Speaker 1 He might end up being good, but Tua is out of control good. And the gap between Joe Burrow and Tua is minuscule.
The gap between Tua and Justin Herbert is massive. So, credit to the Dolphins.

Speaker 1 They made the right choice there. I also loved Roger Goodell just like, how long has he had to get this name right? Three years? Ever since Tua won the national championship?

Speaker 1 And he ended up with Tua Tongal Valui or something like that?

Speaker 1 He butchered it big time. And then my favorite thing that happened right after Tua got picked was ESPN had set up the QBs falling in the draft montage in case Tua did fall.

Speaker 1 And they're like, fuck it, let's just run it anyway. And they just ran like Johnny Manzel and Aaron Rodgers.
Like, what are we doing here?

Speaker 1 You got to get that green room shot of them just like sitting back with Bluetooth in their ears. It was Tua's home that Tick Sabin bought.
Tua's home looks awesome.

Speaker 1 He's going to have to take a pay cut going to the NFL. People aren't talking about that.
But yeah, his whole family's decked out in traditional Hawaiian gear.

Speaker 1 And you know, I mean, Tua's got what, like, a million family members that go to every single game. Yes, you know, they're in that house somewhere.
Yeah, they have some.

Speaker 1 You know, they're like they're outside, like right next to a two-way or a one-way mirror. They're just told, Hey, we can't have you on camera during this.

Speaker 1 By the way, Tua's living room coming up on this screen. I want to just mention this right now.

Speaker 1 And I've had this long time thought, and I'm just going to say that if you steal it from me, I will kill you. But Hank, remember when we talked about this?

Speaker 1 I want to create a coffee table book of athlete couches and chairs because they're always so so big and look so so comfortable because it's large large men it actually first I first thought of it when we went to

Speaker 1 Spencer Hawes house and he has the largest well he has to he's like seven yeah no he has the largest but that's what I'm saying like all these guys have the largest couches and the most luxurious chairs all leather and I I think that it would be cool to basically do an entire book about like check out the biggest couches you can find.

Speaker 1 This is where I want to sit down right now. Yeah, they do strike me as reminiscent of Doc Annell's couch.
You remember that one? Yeah, the fuck couch. Yeah, just a room that's just a fucking.

Speaker 1 So don't steal that idea. I'm going to do it sometime.
Just interview. I want to interview athletes in their home exclusively about their furniture in their living room.
And anytime.

Speaker 1 Anytime you can't have a living room where everything in there is wood grain, that's sweet. Right.
It's literally the laziest idea of all time.

Speaker 1 I want to sit down with an athlete and be like, dude, this couch is awesome. Yeah.
I mean, to his living room.

Speaker 1 It was a million percent wood. It was like, build me a house out of a forest.
Oh, it's probably Sabin's like second house. It's probably his cabin.

Speaker 1 It's the lake house that he can look across the lake at and keep an eye on it.

Speaker 1 So Justin Herbert goes to the Chargers and the poor Chargers couldn't even get enough fans for Roger Goodell's awkward little

Speaker 1 like, hey fans, get excited before every pick. Let's talk about Goodell for a second.

Speaker 1 Is he okay?

Speaker 1 No, he was drunk. How is he that bad at talking in his living room when all he had to do was like two lines

Speaker 1 every ten minutes well yeah I mean he could do two lines of cocaine and be a lot better every five minutes because he was sluggish he was not pronouncing words correctly he was turning red in the face he gave the he gave the Raiders a 2020 draft yeah that's right he gave the Raiders a 2020 draft instead of 2022 he changed clothes he changed outfits to get more comfortable halfway through he did a tick tock with Jerry Judy which cemented him as the whitest man in the world he tried to hug caesar ruiz through his television he was like a dog that was that was when he took molly heavy yeah have you ever left your TV on for your dog and then Stella just starts barking when she sees a dog on there?

Speaker 1 Yeah. He saw a big dude, an offensive lineman, getting drafted.
He's like, this is the guy I got to give the bro hug to. So he just walked directly into the TV.
Stella's actually too smart for that.

Speaker 1 She knows Leroy's TV is. She's like, that's not a real dog.
She just barks at all the other real dogs that are everywhere. Sometimes Leroy thinks my guitar is a dog.
He's not smart, but I love him.

Speaker 1 So, all right. So, yeah, Goodell, all time just awkward.
Like,

Speaker 1 I'm trying to, I don't know what he, like, trying to sell you a 401k or like life insurance or something, and you're just like, dude, I don't know, like, you're kind of weird about this.

Speaker 1 I said he looked like a game show host because he was holding those NFL cards.

Speaker 1 Yes, he looked like a game show host where if you lose, you have to buy life insurance that's way too expensive that you don't need from him, right?

Speaker 1 And you walk out of the meeting and you're like, you know, the things he was saying made sense, but something about him really creeps me out.

Speaker 1 He's just, I think Roger Goodell is depressed because in the CBA, they gave up his rights to go collect piss from everybody. Yes.
That's like his hobby.

Speaker 1 That's like taking away that one week of fishing that Nick Saban does every year. That's true.
That's true. All right.
So we have, so Justin Herbert went, then we had a

Speaker 1 basically kept on going chalk.

Speaker 1 Makai Beckton, shout out Makai Beckton for being the first draftee to have some kind of physical performance that has nothing to do with football when he was pushing a truck up a hill.

Speaker 1 He was pushing a truck that I presume his huge father was driving and his huge father was riding the brakes too as he was pushing it. So I like that pick.
He goes to what, the Jets, right?

Speaker 1 He goes to the Jets, which Jets, good job. Sam Darnold protecting him.
If you want to protect Sam Darnold, get a Dindel Dam, though. Make him stop making out with 22-year-olds in Hoboken.

Speaker 1 This is actually the draft where, like, I don't really see any moments where I'm like, wow, that was really stupid. Like, the Browns.
Browns need to protect Baker Mayfield.

Speaker 1 The Browns got a offensive lineman from Alabama. You're right.
You know what?

Speaker 1 It was smart how these teams, the Bucs, the Bucks had Tristan Wurfs who jumped out of a pool, which was awesome. A huge dude from Iowa who's going to protect Tom Brady.

Speaker 1 Like all these teams actually kind of made good picks. And then

Speaker 1 we have the Raiders just saying, fuck it. Let's just be the Raiders and pick the fastest guy in the draft.
I think we called that last week.

Speaker 1 I think we said Al Davis's Ouija board was going to tell their draft room, their control room, to go ahead and pick rugs.

Speaker 1 I did like John Gruden's setup because he just had Deuce standing next to him, him, just lording over him. Yes.
As much as Deuce can lord over somebody because he's like 5'4, but he looked jacked up.

Speaker 1 He looked swole. They had the grease board, the whiteboard was right behind Gruden with their big boy.
I don't actually think that was the order of people that they wanted to draft.

Speaker 1 I think that's Deuce's whiteboard, where he has just like all the people that you could draft next to workouts that he has to do. Like it's a CrossFit workout of the day.

Speaker 1 He's like, okay, so if we get three wide receivers off the board before 20, we have to do 50 burpees and then 40 hang clings.

Speaker 1 He, we should also mention, this is an appropriate time to take more serious tone.

Speaker 1 That every person who has been drafted has had a horrific tragedy in their life that we had to mention immediately after they had the greatest moment of their career.

Speaker 1 Somewhere along the lines, the fun facts that we liked turned into tragedies.

Speaker 1 It was weird.

Speaker 1 There was a run there where Trey Wingo was like, and this young man,

Speaker 1 well, his father, his aunt, and his little sister all died. They're like, what? The floor.
Okay. And they were reaching for some of them too.

Speaker 1 It was like, like, he was named after his dad's friend who had leukemia. Like, they didn't have to say that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think they actually did, they did, like, set up a thing where they sent out a questionnaire to every first-round pick. And it's like, please put the most tragic thing that's happened to you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, there's a flowchart. It's like, do you have a family tragedy? No.
Can you jump out of a pool? No. Is there a video of you pushing a car? No.

Speaker 1 You better have told at least your first-grade teacher that you were going to be a professional athlete one day. Right, right.

Speaker 1 and she and she told you no and if none of those things happen then we'll just move on as quickly as possible yeah but it was it was incredible i feel like maybe maybe that happens every year but not no because every year it's more heavy-handed than well what i think it is is they had to fill more time because they don't get the instant player interviews as quick like you know usually it's interview the guy right after and you know you get the scene and all the shots of like fans and stuff this year they just had to say okay

Speaker 1 well how do we fill this this time? I don't know. Maybe let's depress the fuck out of everyone.
Do you know anyone who's ever died? Yes. Have you killed anyone accidentally? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Actually, there was somebody who saved someone's life. I think it was a linebacker from Kenneth Murray.
Kenneth Murray saved somebody's life when he was 12. And then that person was a bad person.

Speaker 1 But no, wait, wait, he learned CPR when he was 12, and then somebody died around him, but then he brought them back. Got it.
So essentially, he's

Speaker 1 Melissandra. And that person then does.

Speaker 1 Game of Thrones stops.

Speaker 1 You're so late. It's crazy.
I know. I love it.

Speaker 1 PFT was like, let's do Mount Flushmore of Game of Thrones. No, no, no.
Oh, is that Hank? I know.

Speaker 1 Hank's back in. But yeah, then that person who he saved then went on to get hit by a car

Speaker 1 that he was supposed to be in. Yeah.
Something like that. Yeah, no, he saved somebody's life, but that person went on to become a serial killer.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 it was very heavy-handed. So going back, going down through

Speaker 1 real quick, right off the top, Trey Wingo came in hot with some Anchorman references, some Wedding Crashers references. Oh, and crab cakes and football.

Speaker 1 Well, how about Trey Wingo's greatest line of the entire night that made me think, like, whoa, dude, you do need a bowl right now.

Speaker 1 When he was talking about Makai Bechton and going to his tape, Trey Wingo said, if you love seeing someone abuse human beings, you'll love this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because who doesn't love seeing someone abuse human beings? Yeah, I mean, it's a great catchphrase for the Cincinnati Bengals. Like, what are you doing, dude?

Speaker 1 But, all right, so CeeDee Lamb to the Cowboys was a notable pick because I feel like he's the best wide receiver in the draft. And now we can perfect, now we can have even more of a,

Speaker 1 the Cowboys are incredible, but they're going to finish 8-8.

Speaker 1 Like, they're going to score a million points, and everyone's going to be like, statistically, they're the greatest offense in the world, but they somehow only scored 14 points when they played, you know, the,

Speaker 1 I name a shitty team. The Redskins.
The Redskins.

Speaker 1 They scored 14 points against the redskins and they're gonna miss the playoffs yeah it's the des bryant model that they've had for a while and and before that it was to they've always had like a primetime receiver a really excellent player that you can't guard using one guy and then they'll end up losing probably in monday night football 30 to 31 against the giants but even this even even ceede lamb it's a good pick by the cowboys because he shouldn't have been there like he's so fucking good cee lamb is so goddamn good this was also the most viral uh social media pick from the draft because there was a clip of the girl sitting next to him, like grabbing his phone out of his hand and him snatching it back.

Speaker 1 But now CD, he came out because he saw that that started to go viral and he was like, it's not what it looks like. You guys need to calm down.
I was just going to say that. Which is probably exactly

Speaker 1 him and not his girlfriend. It's not what it looks like.

Speaker 1 CD tweet this. Yeah, he tweeted this.

Speaker 1 Dak just sent me the number for a bunch of hot chicks in Dallas. No, babe,

Speaker 1 I was just looking up the present I was going to buy you with my signing bonus. Yeah.
You can't look at that. Dak invited me to his party next week, but said no girlfriends allowed.

Speaker 1 That's all it was. It's just for the guys.
Yes, just for the girls. No girls allowed and less than 10 people there.
Yes, exactly.

Speaker 1 All right. So then going through the rest of the draft, run on wide receivers was good, was interesting.
And of course, we got to get to our guy, Jordan Love, who's going to be on in a few minutes.

Speaker 1 Trouble in Paradise, because

Speaker 1 that feels like now I I know people will say I'm just trolling, but

Speaker 1 the Packers were in the NFC Championship game this year.

Speaker 1 You would think that a team that was that close to the Super Bowl, and they did get fucking smoked by the Niners, so you could say they weren't even that close to the Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 But if you wanted to say they were that close to the Super Bowl, you would say they should probably draft a position they can start right away. Well,

Speaker 1 they absolutely needed a wide receiver.

Speaker 1 That's what the funniest part about this whole thing was, is the Packers, if you were to list their needs at that point, it was like, number one, by far, we need a wide receiver.

Speaker 1 And instead of doing that, they took a quarterback

Speaker 1 a direct shot. at Aaron Rodgers.
And we're going to get in some headlines with Jordan Love later about how sports writers are going to absolutely kill it using his last name.

Speaker 1 Brotherly Love is the headline in Green Bay tomorrow. Yes.
Jordan is the name of Aaron Rodgers' brother, so that's going to be weird that the closest Jordan in his life is now his backup quarterback.

Speaker 1 Yes, and knowing the way that he treats brothers, too.

Speaker 1 It's great.

Speaker 1 I think Aaron Rodgers is going to handle this really well. He's not going to be immature about it.
Totally. I think he's going to be a total professional.
You know what?

Speaker 1 Aaron Rodgers is about to turn into the next Alex Smith. He's going to be the best mentor for his backups ever.
No, none of this is happening.

Speaker 1 What's really going to happen as an owner of the Packers, I feel like Aaron Rodgers might demand a trade.

Speaker 1 I feel like he's the kind of guy that is going to want to get out of town as soon as possible because this is going to be disrespect to him.

Speaker 1 Either that or he'll tell Danica, like, give him one of those crystals you got from Chernobyl. Tell him to put it in your pocket the whole time.
He's going to, you know, it'd be funny.

Speaker 1 This would be the absolute funniest thing ever if Aaron Rodgers got traded to the Bears at some point. How great would that be? Oh, it'd be so funny.
So funny.

Speaker 1 He was on McAfee earlier in the night, and he said,

Speaker 1 whoever he takes, he'll track down his number and welcomed him to the team tonight.

Speaker 1 Do you think that happened? Nope.

Speaker 1 Oh, sorry, dude. He probably pranked called him a few times.
He probably turned into one-man jerky boys.

Speaker 1 What is that text from him? I'm pumped for you, man.

Speaker 1 You're going to love the Packers. I'll let you use my locker when I'm out of here.
Yep. Tomorrow.

Speaker 1 Or just like the gym from the office, just like, welcome. Now, the problem is.
You are my backup. Period.
The problem is, as much as I'm making fun of this,

Speaker 1 there's obviously a better chance than not that somehow Jordan Love becomes a Hall of Famer and the Packers just have 50 years of Hall of Fame quarterbacks in a row. And he wins a Super Bowl.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 One Super Bowl. Fuck.

Speaker 1 It would be great. You know, it would be funny, though, if Aaron Rodgers reached out to Brett Favre to ask him for his advice on how to handle this situation.
This is going to suck so bad.

Speaker 1 Wilson the lady in picture tiny dick and then go to the Jets and Vikings. I'm feeling good because I feel like, look, the Packers, like, they didn't...

Speaker 1 They just basically squandered a first-round pick when they're in win-now mode, so I feel good, but then the sneaking thing in the back of my brain is like, yeah, Jordan Love is going to end up being a great quarterback, and this is all going to suck.

Speaker 1 The thing is, and this is completely based on me me watching maybe 10 highlight throws of his, which look great.

Speaker 1 He's got some of the best highlights out there for any college quarterback.

Speaker 1 I think he's going to be good. I think he's going to be really good.
One red flag is that he wasn't even the best Jay Love in his conference.

Speaker 1 The San Diego State quarterback was named like Justin Love or something. He had better stats.
It's tough. Good point.
Where did he get drafted? He didn't.

Speaker 1 So you might say that actually he wasn't better than Jay Love. Well, statistically speaking, he was.
So do you hate him already? Yeah, I hate him. All right.
Yeah. That's unless he's

Speaker 1 unless he's like Deshaun Kaiser, then I love him. If he's Deshaun Kaiser, if he's bad, then he's your best friend.
Recurring guest. I fucking love that guy.

Speaker 1 I think even Deshaun Kaiser beat the Bears. I fuck.

Speaker 1 So, what else do we have for the first round?

Speaker 1 Then, of course, the Chiefs who have an Unreal team get an Unreal running back and Clyde Edwards for Lair, and that's going to be it's just scary when a team that good offensively adds another offensive player.

Speaker 1 Playoff Clyde is what they called him in college. Yeah, what's going to happen to playoff Damien? I think it's playoff Clyde now.
If you saw what he did to Clemson. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Overall, pretty good draft, though. I really do think most teams did what they should do.
It didn't feel

Speaker 1 like a lot of teams reached or screwed up. Of course, the Eagles fans are very pissed about their pick.
They would be. Yep.
Which is, I feel like that's exactly.

Speaker 1 If Eagles fans aren't pissed about their pick, then

Speaker 1 it probably actually sucks.

Speaker 1 Right? Like it's the total inverse. Like if they had taken Justin Jefferson and everyone was pumped,

Speaker 1 like, well, Justin Jefferson's not going to be a bust. Right.
They're still mad about drafting McNabb. Right.

Speaker 1 And he was awesome. So, yeah, I think

Speaker 1 what happened with the Seahawks? They got the linebacker, right? Pete Carroll did his thing earlier today where he tweeted out some weird, obscure movie clip. Oh, no, no, it was 1917.

Speaker 1 Jordan Brooks from Texas, Texas. It was 1917.
Pete Carroll likes to give out these clues before he drafts people. And this year it was 1917.

Speaker 1 So they're like, okay, it's someone who can run fast because it was a clip of the guy running across the landmines and stuff. Oh.
So good job, Pete Carol. Wow, you got it.

Speaker 1 Maybe it was a nod to DK Metcalf last year because they didn't make any cuts in that movie. There it is.
Yeah. So Brandon Ayuk was the 49ers.

Speaker 1 49ers got a wide receiver, which they needed very badly as well. And they also got, like, the 49ers.
John Lynch is doing some good shit. Fuck, man.

Speaker 1 Because they, you know, they traded a pick and then they just got a younger defensive lineman. Here's the thing about John Lynch.
he just looks super competent all the time.

Speaker 1 He looks like a guy that you would trust with. The square jaws.

Speaker 1 Square jaws can be just trusted a lot more. He's always like leaning forward.

Speaker 1 Just the body language makes me believe that whatever he's doing, he's doing for all the right reasons and that he knows exactly what he's going to get out of it. It's a very underrated trait to have.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, if you think, like, oh, I want biceps or I want abs. No, if you have a sick jaw,

Speaker 1 life is just handed to you. And even the way that he's going bald, he's going bald in a way that makes him look more aggressive.
Right. Like he's giving himself a sharper point on his hair.
Right.

Speaker 1 And if you don't have a jaw, well, you got a lot to overcome.

Speaker 1 Or grow a beard.

Speaker 1 We're dealing with some technical difficulties in the room here, much like you saw in ESPN tonight. Hank's mic's not working.
He didn't know that we were talking about him.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Hank.

Speaker 1 I do want to call out my best friend, Darren Revelle. By the way.
Oh, what a fucking dark. Darren.
Okay. You sucker.

Speaker 1 Earlier today, Darren Revelle actually shot up way, way higher in my own personal evaluation of human. Why? Did he? They gave you $10,000 cash? Basically, he did even better than that.

Speaker 1 He tweeted out a picture of the football that they're going to use next year. Okay.
And it looks fucking awesome. Okay.
It looks sweet.

Speaker 1 Really, all they did was just change the gold shield on the football to a red, white, and blue shield. But still, it looks fucking awesome.
So I was happy with Daryl earlier today.

Speaker 1 Then during the draft, he said the NFL put out strict guidelines to all draftees that they had to only have league-sponsored items around them and that there would be punishments if they didn't.

Speaker 1 The biggest violator, Sean Payton, he was drinking a crush. Crush is made by Dr.
Pepper, competitor of sponsor Pepsi. Coke is a competitor of sponsor Pepsi.
There was also Coke on the table.

Speaker 1 Twizzlers is made by Hershey. Their sponsor is Mars.
So Revelle just like took an inventory, like he was a backroom manager at a Circle K and listed every single thing that he had on the the table.

Speaker 1 And the crazy thing is, I actually believe that Sean Payton knew exactly what the league sponsors were and went out and got all their direct competitors and put them there. Absolutely, he did.

Speaker 1 But Daryl didn't have to say it. What a jerk.
What a fucking jerk. Oh, also, shout out Mike McCarthy for placing his phone like directly in front of his face.
And that was pretty funny.

Speaker 1 It was just fun. What do you do with a fat face? Get your phone as close to possible.
It was like right in front of his face and off at an angle.

Speaker 1 It looked like that Nathan for you picture where he's like, I'm out having a great time with all my friends. They're right outside the frame.
And

Speaker 1 he had that picture of him just smiling ear to ear like he had just won the lottery. Mike McCarthy always looks like he's having a reaction to shellfish.
Yeah. Just like swelling up a little bit.

Speaker 1 Yes, a little like he got stung by maybe like three or four bees in his backyard. Not enough to like, you know, have to go to the hospital.
One Japanese hornet. Yes, one Japanese hornet.

Speaker 1 As we know, very deadly Japanese hornets.

Speaker 1 All right. Anything else in the draft? Should we get to Jordan Jordan Love? Should we do it? Yeah, yeah.
And then we'll do Firefest and Mount Flushmore on the other side.

Speaker 1 And then we have Dungeons and Dragons. Little bonus at the end of the show, which is fantastic.
Very, very funny. We played Dungeons and Dragons.
We learned how to play, and then we played.

Speaker 1 It got contentious.

Speaker 1 But let's get to Jordan Love. Hey, it's PFT here, reminding you that Boarshead makes game day entertaining elevated and effortless.

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Okay, here he is, Jordan Love.

Speaker 5 Okay, we now welcome on very special guest. It is Utah State quarterback, soon-to-be drafted Jordan Love.

Speaker 5 He's joining us from Verizon because obviously there's no draft parties tonight, but Verizon is keeping you connected, correct? Jordan, are they going to be the first call that you get?

Speaker 5 Is that how it's going to work? Yeah, so, you know, they sent me a phone to be able to.

Speaker 5 um you know help connect myself my friends and my family um you know since they can't be here at my party so i'll definitely be uh

Speaker 5 um using the phone to be able to call my friends and stuff. So, nice.
So, all right, so we're recording this around two o'clock on draft day.

Speaker 5 You obviously haven't been drafted yet. Uh, I, I think everyone thinks you're going in the first round.

Speaker 5 Have you, do you have a team that you really want to go to or a situation that you're feeling good about?

Speaker 5 We're not going to air this till Friday, so you can let us know secrets and we won't let them out. Ah, man, I don't, to be honest, like my head has been all over the board.

Speaker 5 I've heard so many different things. Um, you know, talk to my agent, talk to teams

Speaker 5 where I have, like, no insight right now where I'm going to go. Um, I know, I mean, I've talked to, you know, Dolphins, Chargers.

Speaker 5 I know those are teams, you know, need quarterbacks and looking for those. Um, but it kind of all depends on who they want to take.
You know, we got Tua, Justin.

Speaker 5 Um, you know, obviously probably Joe's going to be with the Bengals at the end of the day. And then we just kind of got to figure out where everybody else is going to bounce around to.

Speaker 5 Do you read the mock drafts? Are you are you following along like constantly refreshing today to see like what the very last versions have you going to?

Speaker 5 Man, I get tagged in all types of stuff, so I see them

Speaker 5 all over the place-Twitter, Instagram, I see them. Uh, but I know at the end of the day, that stuff is like just people guessing, trying to figure out where they think it's going to happen.

Speaker 5 So, um, I don't, I don't let that, you know, that's what's so funny to me is that people are constantly updating, even as we get into the last hours today, like anything is going to change in the process moving forward.

Speaker 5 But yeah, Big Cat's right, it's it's before the draft, we don't know where you're going to go. Um, Can you just give a reaction? Like, let's say you got drafted by the Chargers.
We'll only run this.

Speaker 5 If you got drafted by the Chargers, you just want to say, oh, this is awesome. I'm going to Charger.
Now, cool. Hey, I'm going to be like, hey, man, Charger Nation, we're here.
I'm ready for you.

Speaker 5 Ready? Throw to my boy Keenan.

Speaker 5 You can get it cracking over there.

Speaker 5 Okay. What about the Patriots draft you? You are now the guy who's going to be filling Tom Brady's shoes.
Man, those are some shoes to fill. I'll be ready for that too.

Speaker 5 But, you know, I got to let Pat Nation know that I'm coming to

Speaker 5 try and fill those shoes as best I can.

Speaker 5 Okay, what about the Bucks? So the Bucks drafted you to compete against Tom Brady. Hey, the Bucks, hey, I'm here.
I'm ready to compete against the green.

Speaker 5 You got it down. You're ready to go.
I'm ready.

Speaker 5 How weird has it been doing all your pre-draft visits on Zoom or Skype or phone call? And what's the weirdest thing that someone's asked you over these?

Speaker 5 Because, you know, everyone's trying to get to know you a little bit more.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it's been really weird, you know, just like, you know, me on my house all day, just sitting around doing, you know, Zoom calls with different teams.

Speaker 5 Obviously, when we're supposed to be, you know, flying out to different facilities and meet with people, but I mean, it is what it is, you know, it's how it's going right now, just with the world, but it's been pretty unique.

Speaker 5 And then what would you say the other question? The weirdest thing that's been asked of you. Oh, the weirdest question.
I didn't even get asked any weird questions.

Speaker 5 Like the combine senior ball, I didn't get asked. I was waiting for him, but the weirdest question, you know, I was training with some guys.

Speaker 5 We were down in Santa Anna training and we were talking about just weird questions that got asked someone said they heard someone was like they're drawing up a play for a coach and the coach was like what would you do if i punched you in the face right now trying to distract him

Speaker 5 i was like man i don't even know how to answer that one yeah that's a great question yeah i like that we should start out our interviews with that big cat like what what would you do if i hit you right now yeah just see if they'd say if they don't say i'd punch you back then they're a beta you're off my big board right now you're going yes um have you seen that people are comparing you to pat Mahomes?

Speaker 5 Like, that's a pretty good guy to be compared to. I don't know if it's necessarily fair to you because he's probably the best player in the NFL, but you're getting those comparisons.
Oh, yeah. I mean,

Speaker 5 the way I look at it is great to see.

Speaker 5 You know, it is what it is. People are going to say that, say what they want.
They try to find all the comparisons out there.

Speaker 5 I look at it as I'm not Patrick Mahomes. I'm Jordan Love.
I'd never compare myself to him. He's, I mean, one of the best quarterbacks in the league right now, you know, MVP coming off that.
So

Speaker 5 it's fun to watch, but it's cool to see people comparing me to him. But I'm not Patrick Mahomes.

Speaker 5 I just realized the biggest winner of this draft is actually not going to be you or anyone who's getting drafted.

Speaker 5 It's going to be the headline writers of the city that you go to because everything's just, you know, you can just do love for everything.

Speaker 5 So good job by you for like giving some journalists a little more play and keeping the journalism world afloat by having such an awesome name. Can we quickly, can we see your hands?

Speaker 5 not to be creepy was that okay was that 10 and a quarter

Speaker 5 mine look bigger mine's bigger than all yours yeah okay what is it 10 and 5 eights 10 and uh yeah i think it was 10 and 5 eights 10 and a half right around there sheesh that was some big mets did you do any exercises any like massages to get your hands a little bit bigger before that day yeah every day i just sit around you know trying to stretch my fingers out um as make them as big as possible no

Speaker 5 just a little um lesson yeah Yeah, yeah. Did you do you had anything like that, though, pre-combine to get yourself ready for all the different things you had to go through?

Speaker 5 No, not for like any hand size.

Speaker 5 I'll tell you, the one thing, you know, you prepare for is like the vert, you know, trying to get the arm, the arm test. You know, they're going to yank and pull in your arm.

Speaker 5 You're trying to make it as tight as possible. So, you know, you get all the inches right there.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I like that. So when you're prepping for the vert, you want to keep your hand as low as it can go.

Speaker 5 So if you have like strong back muscles, it's harder to pull it up you're trying to lock that shoulder in make sure they can't yank it because they're going hey they're going to pull your arm trying to yank it so you're trying to lock that shoulder in yeah people always think about getting as many inches as you can at the top of your vertical leap they don't you got to work smarter not work harder exactly exactly uh what would you say you know when you get drafted uh tonight and the teams you know fans of the team that you get drafted to are looking through your career getting to know jordan love what would you say was the difference between your sophomore and junior year because you were out of this world good sophomore year last year maybe a little more interceptions what changed yeah um i mean obviously the one step that went up was the interception you know throwing in a 17 compared to six uh but for me um you know i was trying to make plays trying to make those big plays like we had the year before um and just trying to force throws that i didn't need to be throwing you know trusted my arm a little bit too much um and just trying to force balls that weren't good weren't good decisions um and and bad reads on some of them um but just trusting Marcia was a little bit too much.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 5 I actually did some scouting on you. I've got one red flag.

Speaker 5 I don't know if you've been asked about this yet, but we were both told you and I that we couldn't play quarterback or freshman year of high school because we were too small. I listened to my coaches.

Speaker 5 You didn't. So is that kind of an issue? Like maybe you can't accept feedback?

Speaker 5 I think that might be a problem for me.

Speaker 5 You know, just can't accept it. You know, too hard-headed.

Speaker 5 You grew. You grew.
What are you? 6'4 now? Yeah, 6'4. Yeah.
Luckily, I grew. Tall enough for John Elway.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 If you were to be drafted in a situation where you had to sit for a couple of years, are you going to be pissed? Like, how does that usually go through someone's mind?

Speaker 5 I'm always curious with that because in some ways it's good because you get to learn the ropes. But are you thinking, I want to be a starter? week one in the 2020 season.

Speaker 5 I mean, my mindset is I want to be the best player I can be. If sitting behind somebody here and being able to learn

Speaker 5 that system is going to give me the best opportunity to be, you know, the best player I can be, then that's going to be the best situation for me.

Speaker 5 It's kind of, you know, coming into college, I had to do it, you know, sit behind somebody, learn. And, you know, I think it helped me a lot.

Speaker 5 But, you know, if you get thrown in the fire right away, you know, that's what we're here for. That's what I signed up for.
And you got to be able to handle that.

Speaker 5 Just for my own personal reasons here, I'm engaged in some prop bets on draft night. Are you going to have any dogs in the room with you? I am going to have some dogs.
Oh, there you go.

Speaker 5 How many dogs are we talking about? I hear at least one.

Speaker 5 There will be four dogs in the household. Four? Oh, okay.
All right. You're going to make me some money tonight.
Hey, I love it. Love is in the air.
Four dogs.

Speaker 5 Jordan, have you deleted all your old tweets yet?

Speaker 5 I haven't. You know, I've gone through and seen if I have some ones, but I don't think I have any crazy tweets.
I'm not much of a tweeter, but I have

Speaker 5 somebody pulled up. I was at the Combine.
They were able to pull up some old tweets just just talking about

Speaker 5 fantasy football. They pulled up some old ones, and I was talking crap.

Speaker 5 Really? Yeah, so I was like, man, I gotta go back and look at those. Okay, okay.
That, I mean, that's gonna be the

Speaker 5 they always pull up the old tweets on draft night.

Speaker 5 I feel like guys have gotten a little bit better with it, but uh, this will suck though if you have some old tweets show up and then you have this interview. So I guess it's in God's hands now.
It is,

Speaker 5 yeah.

Speaker 5 I think it'd be okay.

Speaker 5 what what is an aggie an aggie is a bull

Speaker 5 okay i because i always thought that it had something to do with agriculture but i guess i'm just dumb i mean aggie agriculture is agriculture school but i mean a bull it's all kind of in the same family i guess okay yeah good to know have you have you had the moment yet today uh where you're like i'm about to be really rich man i've i've definitely had the moment just trying to think about it but uh i think once it actually happens, it'll kick in a little bit more that, you know, this is actually going on.

Speaker 5 Yeah. What are you going to buy? Are you going to splurge on anything?

Speaker 1 You got your eyes on anything?

Speaker 5 I'm not going to be splurging as much. I know I need a car, so I'll be getting a car, purchasing one of those bad boys, but I'll try not to splurge.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 5 Are you going to get a truck or are we talking like something more sporty? No, probably something more sporty. I had a truck, you know, college and whatnot, a little hand-me-down for my mom.

Speaker 5 So I've been driving the truck pretty much my whole life since high school. So I'm going to pass on the truck for now.
That's got to be just an unbelievable feeling, though.

Speaker 5 Waking up, and no matter what happens today, you're gonna be like, I'm gonna be a millionaire at the end of the day. Like, that's a mind fuck.
It's crazy.

Speaker 5 Yeah, crazy. Um, what my last question, uh, to you, Jordan, and he's with us with uh Verizon.
Uh, go check it out.

Speaker 5 Verizon's hooking up all the draft prospects this year because they can't have parties, they can't do uh, the big-time draft parties that we usually are accustomed to.

Speaker 5 Um, when it comes to like being going from under the radar Utah State to now first round pick NFL,

Speaker 5 has it been hard to like adjust to the idea that oh my god, like I'm gonna have this many people watching me, this many people talking about me?

Speaker 5 Or is it something that you've casually been able to like grow accustomed to? Yeah,

Speaker 5 I think I definitely just kind of casually grow accustomed to it.

Speaker 5 You know, obviously, you know, from high school to college, my life changed a lot just with, you know, as many people following me, but you know, Utah stays still under the radar, but it's definitely just been growing since then.

Speaker 5 You know, senior bowl combine, but I know it's going to get a lot, a lot bigger. So, you know, I'm just trying to roll with it.
So, okay.

Speaker 5 And my last question: just is there a team if you had to put your money on that you think is going to draft you tonight? Who would you bet on?

Speaker 5 I'm going to lose a lot of money because I can't bet

Speaker 5 on which team would pick me.

Speaker 5 So, I'd have to, I couldn't even pick one. I can't even pick one.

Speaker 5 you do you want to play i'm gonna try and pick one okay do you i'll put it this way do you want to play somewhere that's like high humidity hot weather uh low humidity nice weather all the time uh somewhere cold um i've been in utah you know i'm i'm i'm kind of done with the cold i know i'm probably gonna end up somewhere cold knowing that but uh yep we'll isolate that sound clip and play it yeah

Speaker 5 some warm weather but uh you know we'll see what happens oh i actually did have one last question it's a guest question from our good friend uh tom fornelli who's a college football writer he wanted to know if the candy that you guys sent out for your heisman campaign back in like september can you still eat that because he found it the other day um i heard it's it's uh it's good forever it's lifelong candy uh okay always be good but if you get sick you know

Speaker 5 i didn't say anything so i did ask him i was like do you have any questions for jordan love and that was his question he's like i literally just found this candy like two days ago can i eat it after the season i had it all the candy went bad so that's that's smart you know you know exactly how to appeal to sports writers give them an easy headline to write and then fatten them up with sweets right you cattle that down yes um all right well jordan thank you so much we really appreciate it best of luck and uh good luck with your new team and hopefully uh everything goes well tonight yes sir i appreciate you guys

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So go to getroman.com slash take. Okay, let's do some Fire Fest and some Mount Flushmore.

Speaker 1 So, Henry, Fire Fest of the week. Daniel, thank you for that introduction.
Mm-hmm. My Fire Fest

Speaker 1 this week

Speaker 1 is. Go on.
You don't have one.

Speaker 1 No, I do.

Speaker 1 You're sick of eating meatball subs. I'm not.
Okay. Your Fire Fest is going to be that you beat me in Ping Pong somehow.

Speaker 1 You're going to turn that into. I honestly wasn't going to mention how I beat you in Ping Pong PFT and how you did did the McGregor walk and then I beat you three games in a row.

Speaker 1 I was not going to bring that up. Yeah, I wasn't going to bring that up.
I wasn't going to bring that up. My Fire Fest is that we've been in this quarantine for what, four weeks, five weeks?

Speaker 1 Yeah, something like that. I haven't checked my mailbox

Speaker 1 since it started and potentially even weeks before that. I realized that today, like my cable, my Wi-Fi wasn't working, and I was like, have I paid the.
Oh, and then I realized I'm going to pay.

Speaker 1 I don't have to pay bills right now. Well, I called, and luckily they're like, it was, I was one day away from being overcharged.
So I was like early on that.

Speaker 1 But I realized that triggered me into realizing

Speaker 1 I haven't checked my mailbox in five weeks. Yeah.
Who used to the mail? One little bit. And now I just have anxiety about doing it.
Yes. I picked up this tip when I went to college for the first time.

Speaker 1 If you don't take your bill out of the mailbox, you don't have to pay it. The clock starts from once you read the mail.
So it's like being served. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then they came to my house and turned my gas off. I also told you guys about this big cat, but I like got summoned.

Speaker 1 There was some type of jury thing that I might have got summoned to that I might have missed.

Speaker 1 And it was like literally something I had to resolve like the week before quarantine and I just I pushed it off and I

Speaker 1 don't know what's gonna happen you just didn't go well I don't think they're doing trials right now no you can't crime is legal fine dude you're totally fine yeah so not only would they not have you on a jury deciding if someone's guilty or not because crime's legal it's also legal to not go to your jury summons You're good.

Speaker 1 What do they do? What if we all just stop going to jury summonses? They can't bring in new jurors to try us. Solidarity.
We also can't arrest people right now. That's illegal.

Speaker 1 They're letting all the prisoners out of jail. If a police officer tries to arrest you, you can arrest him or Big Cat can grab his gun.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 All facts. All facts.
All right, PFT, what's your fire fest? My fire fest is I have to move. Yeah.
So that's always a big problem.

Speaker 1 So do I. I've been in my place for three years now.
Got to move. My landlord sold my apartment during this whole coronavirus thing.
So I don't know how that happened, but it got sold.

Speaker 1 I have to move during May. The shitty part is...
I'm busy. I'm not asking you, Hank.
I'm telling you. It's part of your job.
Thanks, McKay. I'll help you move, too.
No problem. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, actually, let's both.

Speaker 1 I don't need your help to move. We both not agree it's a help or two.
Yeah, right. Good.
I'll buy you pizza, too. Perfect.
Yeah, we buy pizza. I'll buy you pizza to not help you move.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, so the shitty thing is with coronavirus, I can't take a tour of another apartment. Correct.
I can't walk into another apartment building. So it's against the law to do that.

Speaker 1 So I have to figure this whole thing out online. I found an apartment, signed a lease today.
I think it's going to be a good apartment, but I don't know.

Speaker 1 So like for the next, what, month until May 15th, I'm just kind of, I have to be thinking, like visualizing this apartment, being like, is this going to work? Is this not going to work? Right.

Speaker 1 So yeah,

Speaker 1 that's a pretty bad fire fest. So would you.

Speaker 1 I'm doing a blind date with a house. So I have a similar fire fest because I'm also moving, but I, so I'm a little different.
I was moving right before coronavirus hit. I looked at a new place once.

Speaker 1 And of course, you know, whenever you decide to move, you look at the place, then you sign the lease and you're like, let's go look back, get measurements, everything, everything. Can't do that.

Speaker 1 So if I don't like my place, I saw it. You at least have an excuse.
Yes, it's true. So I'm kind of fucked if, like, I walk in, because you know, when you walk into an apartment for

Speaker 1 like to view it, you basically just go through it in like four minutes. And you're like, okay, this is good.
And then you know, like, oh, we'll go, we'll come back. Yeah.
And I didn't.

Speaker 1 So I'm also in that zone. And not only that, but I've just like given up with

Speaker 1 like the pile that I have personally at my house. And I'm like, next time I'm going to clean my pile is when I'm going to move.
That's what I'm going to do.

Speaker 1 So it's, yeah, it's definitely gotten a little. And also, shout out.

Speaker 1 I feel like we do have a decent amount of parents that listen to this show. I had to deal with the first ever diaper rash with my son.
And that fucking sucks. What?

Speaker 1 You didn't change yourself frequently enough? Yeah, I didn't change myself frequently enough. No, but yeah, I guess the only way to fix a diaper rash is to just not have your baby wear diapers.

Speaker 1 Just free ball it. Well, free balling works for us, but when it's a

Speaker 1 baby, they just piss and shit everywhere. I lived in a litter box all week.
That's fun, though. At least it's something to tell your kids about later.
Yeah, it's good to know.

Speaker 1 You can always hold that over their head. Hey, remember when you were a year old and you just shat everywhere? Yeah, that was crazy.
I cleaned that up. Yeah.
Go take the trash out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he's going to be like, no, you didn't. You were probably watching the NFL draft.
No, no, you didn't.

Speaker 1 I have this log of you playing Twit on Twitch every night, creating creating a fat football coach. He's definitely going to be like, all right, all right, let's pull up this PowerPoint.
Coach Doug's.

Speaker 1 Ever heard of him?

Speaker 1 Seems like you weren't. Yeah, we do have a pretty significant list of just like things that you can look up to call us out on our bullshit later on.
Yeah, I mean, we did a podcast.

Speaker 1 You were pissing your pants when you were 33, Dad. So

Speaker 1 why should I worry about doing one of those? You did a podcast

Speaker 1 one day after he was born.

Speaker 1 It was the NBA draft. Little commenter, don't do drugs.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Don't fuck around with that stuff.
Oh, by the way, if anybody out there has any experience with this, this is one thing I'm actually concerned about with the new apartment.

Speaker 1 So Leroy, as we know, is blind. He knows his way around

Speaker 1 our apartment because he's able to like smell the different smells. He knows the layout.
He knows where the corners are, all that stuff.

Speaker 1 He doesn't know the new apartment. I'm concerned he's just going to start walking the walls.
And that's going to be very funny at first,

Speaker 1 but also very sad. Here's what you do, PFT.

Speaker 1 Think about this. Baby proof it.
Cover the walls in peanut butter. Well, then he'll he'll definitely walk into the wall.
Right, but no, he won't walk into them.

Speaker 1 He'll walk up to them, sniff them, and lick them. He'll just be licking the peanuts.
He'll lick the walls, and then he'll know where they are. What if there's lead paint?

Speaker 1 No, maybe he's not bringing his eyes the whole time. Listen, that's actually what you do.
He will figure out exactly where he is if you just put peanut butter.

Speaker 1 You don't have to do the whole wall, but just in like key corners and stuff.

Speaker 1 So he goes and licks it, and he's like, oh, here's a wall. Well, what do dogs hate? Maybe I should just put like cat fur.
That's mean. Keep him away from the wall.
Let him have some peanut butter.

Speaker 1 That way he doesn't walk into them. No, just cover your apartment and peanut butter.

Speaker 1 I'll just hire 40 postmen that get laid off when the Postal Service gets bankrupted and just have him stand on my wall so he stays away from them. Spackle your fucking whole wall with peanut butter.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I'll have to check my lease. Actually, if I can do that, I think that would work.

Speaker 1 All right, let's do our Mount Flushmore and then we'll get to Dungeons and Dragons. Mount Flushmore of non-alcoholic drinks.
Are we ready, Hank?

Speaker 1 Are you ready? You're always ready. You're going second, right? Yeah.
Yeah, you go first. Okay, I go first.
All right.

Speaker 1 Mal Flushmore, non-alcoholic drinks. My first pick is an easy one.

Speaker 1 Tomato juice. It's so gross.
Good pick. And anyone who says that, oh, it's not that bad, they're just lying because they like it with vodka.
Good pick.

Speaker 1 I've noticed that people only drink tomato juice on flights. Well, it's supposed to help

Speaker 1 keep your swelling down, I think. Is that serious? Yes, I swear to God.
But it's got all the sodium in the world in it. Maybe it's the opposite.
I I don't know. Maybe it's supposed to swell you up.

Speaker 1 For whatever reason, people get in an airplane, all of a sudden, it's a big tomato thing.

Speaker 1 I think that's the only place that you can get it. Why do people drink tomato juice on planes? Oh, it actually finished the, so it's actually a thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's why the high decibel level in the cabin interferes with how people perceive taste.

Speaker 1 The palate registers sweets, such as soft drinks, less intensely, while the taste known as a umami is heightened.

Speaker 1 Thirsty passengers may find they yearn specifically for something rich and savory, and they frequently choose tomato juice. Tomato juice tastes better on an airplane.
Wow. That's crazy.

Speaker 1 We just learned. All right.
Hank, you're fresh. First.
Prune juice. Good pick.
I don't think I've ever had prune juice. I don't think I have either, but I know it exists.

Speaker 1 Are you just thinking something like your grandmother would give you? No, I've had it. It was like in my house when I was growing up a couple times.
I don't really know what counts. That counts.

Speaker 1 I might need some prune juice to make me more regular during the quarantine. Prune juice.

Speaker 1 My first one,

Speaker 1 I'm going to go straight for it and say Dasani. Dasani water is trash.
Awful, awful water. I don't know if I could tell the difference.
World's worst water. What's the difference?

Speaker 1 It just tastes like shit. But is that a real thing or is that an internet thing? No, it's a real thing.

Speaker 1 I honestly don't know.

Speaker 1 It's a real thing.

Speaker 1 I took a class in college. I only drink body armor.

Speaker 1 Yeah, me too. Drink body armor.
It's the fuel for. It's the most delicious water.
If we did the Mount Rushmore of non-alcoholic drinks, it'd be body armor, body armor, body armor.

Speaker 1 They bottle it directly from the Fountain of Youth. It's wonderful stuff.
My second pick is going to be

Speaker 1 caffeine-free diet coke.

Speaker 1 Okay. Caffeine-free diet coke.
The like

Speaker 1 yellow can, the gold candy. It comes in like a gold candy.
Gold can. Yeah, bad.
Yep. Okay.
Hank? Club soda. Good pick.

Speaker 1 It doesn't taste like anything, though. But it has bubbles.
Trash. I don't like club colours.
Nano bubbles. Okay.

Speaker 1 It's like a drink that

Speaker 1 only grandparents drink. All right.

Speaker 1 I have two picks here. Or vodka.
Or if you put in the vodka. I'm going to go with

Speaker 1 coconut water. Trash.
Disagree. Disagree.
Bad pick. Someone tried to sell us the coconut water fix hangovers.
That's a fucking lie. Bad pick.
Coconut water stinks.

Speaker 1 What about actual from when it's actually from a coconut? That's just like coconut juice. It's coconut water.
It's the same thing. Yeah, but I'm talking about coconut water that you buy at a store.

Speaker 1 You're talking about something that you buy out of a cardboard box. Correct.
I don't like the who got together and decided we're going to put coconut water inside like a Frito-lay box. It doesn't.

Speaker 1 It just gives you a weird aftertaste. Just drink regular water.
And then this one will probably get contentious because I think it will go right at Hank.

Speaker 1 Whole milk is disgusting.

Speaker 1 Drinking whole milk is disgusting. I just don't think strong bones.

Speaker 1 Strong bones are fine, but actual drinking like a glass of whole milk, gross.

Speaker 1 2% is just enough.

Speaker 1 I didn't say that. Here's a taste.
I didn't say cereal. I bet you, Big Cat, if we did a taste test, if we did a taste test, I would be able to tell the difference.

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 1 All right, we'll do it. We'll do it.
We'll do it on Tuesday. I got to agree with Big Cat on that.
It's very easy to tell the difference. Yes, we'll do it on Tuesday.
You get me 1%, 2%, and whole milk.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you the difference. No problem.
Cereal, fine. Drink,

Speaker 1 it's just, it's just too much. It's a cream.
It's gross. Go ahead, Hank.
There's no difference. All right, we'll do the taste test.
What are you going to do? You get a cat? Nope.

Speaker 1 What if both me and Big Cat get it?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? What if we both get it, nail it? Will you get a cat? No, I'll do it. I'm not going to do a cat bet for something like that.
Maybe something like a pig beats me in ping pong.

Speaker 1 But we'll go that. Oh, if I beat you in ping pong, you'll get a ping ping.

Speaker 1 Maybe, maybe. We got to go.

Speaker 1 No, we got to be right now. You don't have to.
There has to be something on your end. There has to be something on your end.
I'm not just going to risk that without getting something on the backstop.

Speaker 1 If I don't, I'll stop asking you to get a cat.

Speaker 1 They played a seven-game series today. DFT was up to 15 years.
I broke

Speaker 1 up 16 in the sixth game. My paddle broke.
He was also up 2-1 in the series. I was sweating.
Cream soda. Cream soda is great.
Fuck you guys. Cream soda is awesome.
Good pick. Thank you.
Good pick.

Speaker 1 Thank you. I thought that was going to be.
I thought that was going to be. Just go get a root beer.
Pander Paul and Pander Paul getting up to the city.

Speaker 1 No, it's a completely different drink from root beer. It's the same cousin.
It's a cousins. It's not.
They're cousins.

Speaker 1 A and W makes both of them. They're always next to each other in the fucking brochure.

Speaker 1 The number of times that I have bought a cream soda being like, I think this is a root beer, and then you get home and you're like, fuck. That's because you can't read.

Speaker 1 You saying cream soda and root beer are not cousins is crazy. You're just, no, it's the marketing that has made you believe.
They taste nothing alike. No, they're cousins.
I love cream soda.

Speaker 1 I'm not ashamed to admit it. Ugh.
Good pick, Hank. Thank you.
I had it on my list. All right, my last two.
I'm going.

Speaker 1 You know what? Listerquil. Listerquil sucks.
It's a stupid drink. Okay.
It's actually a medication.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that actually is wrong. All right, so I'll do my other two, which are going to be real ones.
Okay. Buttermilk.

Speaker 1 So you're just going one more. What is that? No, buttermilk is way different than whole milk.
Yeah, but no one drinks it. What is it?

Speaker 1 Old people drink it. Okay.
I don't even know what that is.

Speaker 1 It's the milk that comes with the yellow top to it. All right, we'll get that with the taste test, too.
Yeah, that'll be really easy to figure out.

Speaker 1 It tastes like sourly pours out of

Speaker 1 the bottle. All right, your fourth?

Speaker 1 Unsweetened iced tea. Oh, I like unsweetened iced tea.
No, give me sweet tea all day. No, I like a green tea.
Yeah, green tea with some sugar in it. No,

Speaker 1 I like it raw. But I like the raw dog tea.
I'm not talking about green tea. I'm talking about iced tea.
Is that not

Speaker 1 the brown stuff? But iced green tea is. That's iced green tea.
So just iced tea? I think I like snapple sweetened or unsweetened. Snapple comes in a variety of flavors.
Yeah. Regular snapple.

Speaker 1 But they have unsweetened. They have unsweetened.
The standard snapple is sweetened.

Speaker 1 I don't mind it. I like a little taste.
It's kind of like drinking coffee. I like it.

Speaker 1 All right. Hank, your fourth pick.

Speaker 1 Just anything with zero.

Speaker 1 Any soda that has a zero is just not a real soda. You try and get it as an option.

Speaker 1 That's a good call. Mountain Dew Zero, Sprite Zero, Coke Zero.
Yeah. Trash.

Speaker 1 I like Cherry Coke Zero. Trash.

Speaker 1 Mm.

Speaker 1 Okay. Orange Vanilla.
That was going to be my last pick. Oh, really? Yes.
Fuck that place. Fuck that commercial.
Do they fuck that drink? I don't know. Orange Orange vanilla Coke.

Speaker 1 I will forever hate you. Hate you.
I tried it once, too. Not good.
Not good. Regular Coke? Great.

Speaker 1 Orange Vanilla Coke? Uh-uh.

Speaker 1 I'd like to do a study on the ad campaigns that take over during a certain time of year, whether it's the whatever the big ad campaign is during baseball playoffs or during March Madness, and see what percentage of those products actually succeed.

Speaker 1 Because I would think that it'd be a very, very low percentage. Yes, I agree.
Did you guys have any that didn't get there? I O'Duels is like, why would you drink O'Duols?

Speaker 1 But then it's also like if you have an alcohol problem, I guess. But it's also like, why would you drink it? It's just, you want to hold something that looks like a beer.
Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 1 It could be empty. I threw that on the list, but it wasn't on my, didn't make my mouth flush more.
And then. Dip Spit, if you know, you know.
Dip Spit. Yep.

Speaker 1 Strawberry milk. Do you guys...
Ooh. Yeah, that probably.

Speaker 1 I don't mind it, but it's not like if you go past chocolate milk to strawberry, you're psycho. Right.
It's something that's good in theory, but.

Speaker 1 Well, it's also just something that like the thing next to it is 10 times better, 10 million times better in chocolate milk. Do you guys

Speaker 1 trust Tree? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What was the drink called Purell? It was like called Purell. That's true.
No, you should not drink that, Hank. I drank Proter Texas.
No, no. You should not drink it.
It was water. Flavored water.

Speaker 1 It was flavored water.

Speaker 1 I forget.

Speaker 1 Do you guys like Dr. Pepper? Yes.
I love Dr. Pepper.
Talking love. Okay.
All right. I never got into it.
It didn't make my list, but I never got into it.

Speaker 1 I don't mind you going out on a limb with that take, though. No, No, I don't.
I just never, I never, it was never, I'm a, I love Cherry Coke. I love, uh, what's the other like adjacent to Dr.
Pepper?

Speaker 1 Is there another? Mr. Pibb.
No, not that. I just never liked Dr.
Pepper. I don't know what it is.
You know what I think it is? There's cinnamon in it? No. You know what I think it is? What's in it?

Speaker 1 There's something very particular about Dr. Pepper that is more pronounced than other sodas.
If you get a bad mix of a Dr. Pepper at a McDonald's or at a Taco Bell or wherever, it tastes awful.

Speaker 1 If you get a good mix, there's nothing better than it. Darren Revelle, Henry Lockwood, fun fact of the day.

Speaker 1 Dr. Pepper wasn't even on my radar until they started doing the rebranded 23 Flavors thing.
Yeah. Like whatever it was, probably 10, 15 years ago at this point.

Speaker 1 And then I was like, oh, I got to try this. Huge Dr.
Pepper fan. You remember Dr.
Pepper 10? Their whole ad campaign was it's not for women? Yeah. That didn't really work.
Who could say that?

Speaker 1 How about orange juice extra pulp? Oh, yeah, pulp. Get out of my face with that.
I could take a light pulp just so that you know you're drinking real oranges, but extra pulp is fucking disgusting.

Speaker 1 I don't want to drink fuzz. It's gross.
I would say, going back to Dr.

Speaker 1 Pepper, that's definitely on the Mount Rushmore of items that dads will write letters about being like, I think they changed the flavor in this. It tastes different than I'm using.
I also think Dr.

Speaker 1 Pepper is like the most,

Speaker 1 either you love it or hate it drink. Yeah.
You know what I mean? There's not a lot of people who are like, eh, I don't know about Dr. Pepper.
I don't like it. I think I love it.

Speaker 1 You're the only person that I've ever met that doesn't like Dr. Pepper.
Really? Yeah. I know people who don't like Dr.
Pepper.

Speaker 1 I used to be a vocal, you know. Should I try it again? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's get you back into it. What about tonic water? I should have said tonic water.
I hate tonic water. Yeah, self-snack club soda? No, no.
Big difference.

Speaker 1 So there's like a gin and soda, which tastes like the soda tastes like nothing, just bubbles. Tonic water might have been what you're thinking of.
It's like sweetness, right? No, it's like bitterness.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay, I don't know what tonic is then. Tonic is just trash.

Speaker 1 When it's mixed with gin, that's my least favorite type of alcohol, so it's like shit on shit. Right, right.
All right, I think we had a good list. Anything else you guys had? Bubba, you got anything?

Speaker 1 Bubba, you don't like anything? You love everything, right? Especially body armor.

Speaker 1 Shout out body armor. I've been chugging body armor.
Me too. That's the official sponsor of Buns of Anarchy.
I'm not going to say it. Big ride tomorrow against the golf nerds.
There you go.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to. I forgot to think about Brooks's haircut.
Oh, yeah. He looks like a fucking cop.

Speaker 1 He looks like a Florida. I was going to say it's something else.
A highway patrolman. I was going to say he looks like a combination of every host of Come Town.

Speaker 1 He's just blending them all together.

Speaker 1 Yeah, pushed them all together. No, he looks like he, with the mustache, he looks like a cop.
He looks like a crooked cop. Cop that will just take the cocaine right off of you.

Speaker 1 The Florida cop. Send you on your way.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the

Speaker 1 so yeah, body armor. What I was going to say is I'm not a scientist, but

Speaker 1 we don't have coronavirus and we've been chugging body armor. I'm getting tested for the antibodies.
So I'll let you know this weekend. Where?

Speaker 1 And if I got the antibodies in my system, can I bring a violative blood?

Speaker 1 Yeah, just cut yourselves real quick. Wait, how are you getting tested? I gotta connect.
Oh, wow. PFT is rich and famous.
He's doing it while other people can't.

Speaker 1 No, there's a website you can go on to.

Speaker 1 Damn, that's fucking,

Speaker 1 you know, Rudy Gobert and the Jazz all got tests. Well, I'm a professional athlete as well.
What? I'm gonna be at the front of the line.

Speaker 1 If you had it. Yeah.
I'm hoping you had it because that means we probably had it. You had it.
So I think I had it right when we got back from the Super Bowl. And

Speaker 1 we spent a lot of time together. There was a week and a half when I was like,

Speaker 1 just sharing that ball. I was mixing NyQuil with C4.
I was like, I was dousing my body Nyquil every day. I actually went to the doctor's, which I never do because I was coughing so much.

Speaker 1 So I think I might have had it. Do you think if I know it?

Speaker 1 If I had it, you guys definitely were exposed to it. And just didn't have, we were asymptomatic, which means we're big ballers.
Big ballers. And then we can give our berserkers.
The biggest ballers.

Speaker 1 Dude, if you're asymptomatic, you are a certified big baller. We should also get in real quick to what happened with Tom Brady this morning.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah so tom brady wandered into a neighbor's house oh i thought you were gonna talk about my twitter uh no twitter power no he was trying to wait what do you mean hank you guys go i'll go second okay no no no no hold on pft go ahead

Speaker 1 what'd you do hank so i'm sure you guys follow tom brady on twitter uh for what i do not i mean yeah actually i don't know i don't i don't know what to say you were about to say his twitter game sucks no i'm gonna say you're missing out i'm gonna say you're missing out because now it's like i don't know you're missing out because it's gonna be all pro Bucks.

Speaker 1 So it's at Tom Brady, but it's like, you know, you can have your name. So it's like, you're at Barcelona, BigCat, but your name just shows up as Big Cat.
Right.

Speaker 1 His name showed up as at Tom Brady, and then underneath it was at Tom Brady. So he just had an unnecessary at.

Speaker 1 So I quote tweeted one of his tweets and said, can someone tell Tom he doesn't have to have the at in front of his name? 20 minutes later, it was gone. Wow.

Speaker 1 So why didn't you do that like two months ago and say, can someone tell Tom Brady I want him to stay with the Patriots?

Speaker 1 I wish I did.

Speaker 1 That was going to be my firefest. I just didn't want to sound, you know, make it all about me.
But wait, he changed his Twitter to that because it wasn't always like that in his display name.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 But I just.

Speaker 1 But you shamed him back. I didn't shame him.
I just saw it. I was like, can someone tell him that it doesn't have to be this way? Apparently someone did.
Perfect. You did.
Perfect. You jumped.

Speaker 1 All without a blue check mark. You did that, Katie.
But the real big news of Tom Brady's blue check mark on this podcast was Tom Brady wandered into the wrong house.

Speaker 1 He pulled a I'm here for the gangbang, knocked on a door, walked into the kitchen, dropped his duffel bags. He thought he was at Byron Leftwich's house.
He was still a special.

Speaker 1 Hank. Hey, the key card worked.
Hank. The key card worked.
All those different apartments looked exactly the same. The key worked.
So he walks in. What do you want him to do?

Speaker 1 He walks in, drops his duffel bags, and he's like, oh shit, I'm in the wrong house. I actually do believe he was probably there to fuck that guy's wife.
And then the guy was, he happened to be home.

Speaker 1 I did love the guy being like, wasn't it the offensive coordinator? No, it was next door to Byron Lefwich. But I did love the guy being like, I actually had no problem with it.

Speaker 1 Tom Brady, like, that was cool. Like, no shit, dude.
Yeah. When the six-time Super Bowl champion walks in your house, it's a little different than some rando walking in your house.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But although in Florida, they do have the right to shoot you dead on the spot. Could you imagine if that's the way he went out?

Speaker 1 Do you think Belichick gave him the wrong address? Like, packed into his phone. It was like, hey, this is where you should go.
Maybe. Damn.
Damn. Tom Brady's.
Is he getting too old?

Speaker 1 But our good friend Mike.

Speaker 1 You keep looking at me like I want to see if we can get Hank to switch that quickly. No, I'm never going to switch.

Speaker 1 I've thought about it more since the other day, and honestly, I was thinking about it. Like, Rob Gronkowski and Tom Brady brought me so much joy over the years.

Speaker 1 Watching them play brings me so much joy. I can't turn it off.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be rooting for the Bucs. When they make good plays, it's going to make me happy inside.
I can't just sit here and be like, I can't. I can't.
So, Hank, in a survey of 20,000 people, 61%

Speaker 1 said that Brady and Gronk would go into the Hall of Fame as Bucs if they won a Super Bowl. What? What do you think about that? That was the poll you did? Yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 1 61%. That's crazy, isn't it?

Speaker 1 This is like on the Chehive Twitter? No, no. This was 20,000 people replied to this.
That's a lot of people.

Speaker 1 Where is it? What? I know there's a punchline. No, there's not.
I know there's a punchline for you. 61%.
Of who? Where was the punchline?

Speaker 1 It was on my Twitter handle. Oh.

Speaker 1 How did you preface it? That's my favorite thing that Klay Travis does, by the way. He's like, do you think that they should play SEC football tomorrow? Yeah.

Speaker 1 95% of America says yes.

Speaker 1 He did it. The best was Cousin Sal when

Speaker 1 Clay said, if Bernie Sanders wins the DNC, would you vote for Trump or Bernie Sanders? And his Twitter poll had 96% Trump.

Speaker 1 And Cousin Sal's like, you think you know a guy?

Speaker 1 Ravel does it too, where he'll just like, yo, you know, your followers are totally different. Yes, yeah, it was not an accurate synthesized, yet the poll does exist.

Speaker 1 I just did a poll, like, what's your favorite NFL team? And the Bears one's like, well, they're the most popular team in the NFL. That's incredible.
That's nuts.

Speaker 1 But shout out to our guy, Mike Florio, because he's all over these rules violations recently. He pointed out.
He's the COVID police. No, well, no, this isn't about COVID.

Speaker 1 He pointed out that players cannot meet with coaches at any time prior to the start of the offseason program. So Tom Brady admits he was going to go meet with Byron Left, which.

Speaker 1 I love love it too because Florio, like,

Speaker 1 this is Florio's personality, and we love him because he knows the rules, and he follows the rules. He's a lawyer.
He never has lost a case he won. Like, that's all he does.

Speaker 1 The source said it was totally illegal. They should be fined.
Plus, I bet those duffel bags had footballs in them. So he was going to go practice throwing with his quarterback coach against the rules.

Speaker 1 Yes. So Tom Brady, he gets out of the Patriot way.
All of a sudden, he starts messing around doing illegal football activities.

Speaker 1 I think it's also, like because people will probably say this structure is hypocritical because revell but revell's just a narc florio i think the interesting part with florio is he just knows all the rules for the nfl that's the that's the fascinating part he knows rules that no one knows well also the nfl is

Speaker 1 built yeah they just know all the rules it's like when he says that i'm like wow that's crazy that that's a rule the nfl is built around having a very very very rigid rule structure in place like roger gadell thinks he's a police officer right he thinks that every it's black and white about everything.

Speaker 1 So therefore, it's okay for Florio to be like, hey, this is your rule book that you claim that you enforce.

Speaker 1 Why aren't you following it right now? So I guess Tom Brady,

Speaker 1 he needs Bill Belichick to keep him on the straight and arrow because it looks like he's going down a bad path. Habitual line stepper.
Uh-huh. A bad path.

Speaker 1 Even with that being said, the thought of Tom Brady and Byron Leftwich just throwing bombs to each other in the backyard is a pleasurable thing to think about. That is pretty cool.

Speaker 1 Do you think, I bet you Byron Leftwich can throw a ball farther than Tom Brady right now. Yeah.
He's another one of those. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Like, it's where they can just get out there and just throw cannons to each other. Left Witch could be 70 years old and having his old offensive lineman carry him around on one

Speaker 1 leg.

Speaker 1 He's an 85-year-old. A bomb.
A bomb. All right, let's get to it.
Really awesome interview. Very different with a Dungeons and Dragons.
What was he called? A Master Day. Dungeon Master.
They're called.

Speaker 1 Dungeon Master.

Speaker 1 Taught us how to play, answered all of our questions, and then we played.

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Speaker 1 And now, Dungeons and Dragons.

Speaker 5 And now for something completely different.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 we now welcome on Tim Woods. He is a professional game master.

Speaker 1 So we want to learn about Dungeons and Dragons and gaming of this sort in general. And we figured this would be perfect because you know it back and forth.

Speaker 1 So let's, we're gonna, we're gonna probably play a game, but let's start with some basics. Just the very first basic.
How do you become a professional game game master?

Speaker 4 Well, I will say this: that there are many, many game masters out there.

Speaker 4 Me becoming a professional and doing this as my full-time job is definitely much, definitely the exception rather than the rule.

Speaker 1 There is no full-time job.

Speaker 4 This is my full-time job now, I'm happy to say.

Speaker 4 I'm very lucky and very fortunate to have that. A lot of the work I do is with younger kids, so I run after school programs, but about 50% of my games are with adults or kind of a mix.

Speaker 4 It'll be like families, like a mom and dad playing with their kids or something like that.

Speaker 4 And my specialty is bringing the game of D ⁇ D to new players. That's what I do.
Perfect. People who are new to the game, interested

Speaker 4 and excited, but no familiarity necessarily with the game. That's kind of my clientele right there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so you did kind of hit the jackpot.

Speaker 1 I mean, like, growing up, if you could be told, like, if you were to speak to yourself when you were 11, 12 years old, however young you were when you first picked up the game, like, this is going to be your job.

Speaker 1 How excited would you have been?

Speaker 4 I would have probably had a meltdown that would have killed me if you had told me that information at that point. I could not have physically handled that information at that point.

Speaker 4 It would have been too overwhelmed.

Speaker 4 But I'll say this, that like going into education and learning how to first be a teacher was kind of what opened my eyes to the idea that teaching and dungeon mastering are very, very similar.

Speaker 4 I like to think that I take a game that is very often viewed as intimidating and make it very welcoming to people.

Speaker 4 And people who love this game aren't necessarily the best at making it feel welcoming. It's so complex that it can in fact feel overwhelming when you talk to a big hardcore fan of it.

Speaker 4 And when you hear the stories, they don't always make sense. It's like, how does this story take place in this game?

Speaker 4 Whereas I'm all about, let's take 10 steps back and start from scratch, and we're going to learn the game as we play and just move through things in the simplest way.

Speaker 1 Are you at a place where you can laugh at the haters?

Speaker 4 Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 Okay, because I would imagine if Dungeon and Dragon has been your hobby your whole life, I'm just going to take a guess that you might have been bullied for it a little, but now you're at a point you're like, hey, look, you're working in an accounting job.

Speaker 1 I'm I'm not sure if you're a girl. I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

Speaker 4 That's awesome. I mean, I'm truly passionate about this one little niche of gaming that I think should be much bigger, which is tabletop role-playing games, DD, and all the other games like it.

Speaker 4 And I know that I'm weirdly specialized, and that will make me alienating to some people, but to other people who want to know about this game, I'm like, hopefully, bringing it in a positive, funnel.

Speaker 1 How short can a game be?

Speaker 1 Like, attention spans

Speaker 1 not our strong suit.

Speaker 4 I mean, I'll say this. Generally, I run three-hour games.
That's the average. So far.

Speaker 1 Generally,

Speaker 4 yeah, once you go under two hours, you can start a game, but you can't really get to a cool wrap-up conclusion in an hour or two.

Speaker 1 Gotcha.

Speaker 4 I mean, you can get a good idea of what the game's about and stuff, but it's not quite the feel of a real good session.

Speaker 1 We could always do like a cliffhanger.

Speaker 4 That's true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we gotta come back.

Speaker 1 Should we try to get into one? Let's see if we can. We should.
Yeah, maybe. I don't even know where to start.
So you're going to have to help us with that.

Speaker 4 Absolutely.

Speaker 1 Just the basic where to start.

Speaker 4 In theory, the kind of default adventure that I always start people off with.

Speaker 1 Wait, so there's no board? It's just a bunch of stuff.

Speaker 4 I mean, we can do this with a board.

Speaker 1 Whatever you think with this board. But we can do this

Speaker 4 without any of the stuff that I would normally need. The only thing that you really need is a dice.
A D20 is easy to get.

Speaker 1 So I'm just handed a D20, so there's 20 numbers on it. I also brought all these costumes here.
I want to make sure that we put them on as a probate. Should we get dressed up now?

Speaker 4 You absolutely could if you want, totally. Okay.

Speaker 4 I do run birthday parties where people like wear costumes and stuff.

Speaker 1 All right. PFT will get dressed up and I'll keep talking, then I'll get dressed up and he can keep talking.
Do you

Speaker 1 don't take this wrong way? Do you own a cat?

Speaker 4 I don't own a cat. No, no, I don't own any pet.
Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. So would you say most people in the D ⁇ D own cats or dogs?

Speaker 4 Honestly,

Speaker 4 there's obviously like a lot of nerdy things going on with D ⁇ D players. I'm trying to think if I've heard a popular pet, but I feel like I've seen mostly dogs, a good mix of dogs and cats.

Speaker 1 There we go, perfect.

Speaker 1 What's the biggest controversy facing D ⁇ D like world? Oh,

Speaker 4 here's the thing. A popular controversy all the time is what edition are we playing? And currently the edition is 5th edition.
What will happen is eventually there will be a new edition.

Speaker 4 6th edition will come out and everybody will probably fucking hate it at first. Everyone will be really mad.

Speaker 1 That's like when they do an update on Twitter.

Speaker 4 When you do any kind of update, everybody flips out. Absolutely.
So you have the people who like the old ways better.

Speaker 4 And so right now, 5th edition is very popular because it's very streamlined and very easy for new players to pick up. That is what I love about 5th edition.

Speaker 4 But older editions have other things going for them. And so there are other games that use older kind of rule sets from DD originally.

Speaker 4 Like Pathfinder is a game that uses, I would argue, a much more complex rule set that allows for maybe more things to be done, but otherwise has a lot of complexity that maybe isn't as appealing to a certain demographic.

Speaker 1 That's maybe the most relatable.

Speaker 1 Don't hog it all, PFT.

Speaker 1 That's the most relatable thing that you said is like basically everyone...

Speaker 1 Everyone gets mad whenever there's a new game.

Speaker 4 And it's not like, oh, I prefer this and you prefer that. It's you like the bad one and you don't even know why your version is so much worse than mine.

Speaker 4 And unfortunately, that's where people stop listening and start just

Speaker 4 arguing

Speaker 4 why the other side likes worse games or more limiting games, let's say, than me.

Speaker 1 Can you tell me a little bit about the history of D ⁇ D, like how it was invented? Absolutely.

Speaker 4 Actually, so my dissertation that I wrote to get my PhD was on

Speaker 1 D ⁇ D.

Speaker 4 I have a doctorate in

Speaker 1 literally live the dream.

Speaker 4 Basically, my specialization was in taking D ⁇ D into the classroom. What can people learn from it?

Speaker 4 What happens when you bring tabletop games or ideologies from them, pedagogical styles from them into the classroom? What does that look like? How can people benefit?

Speaker 4 And in order to study that, I absolutely had like um

Speaker 4 to look into the history of D and D.

Speaker 4 And what I found fascinating was D and D came out of war gaming, but how war gaming was people simulating battlefield situations and like recreating civil war battles and stuff, but how war gaming emerged very much from people in the military trying to teach each other.

Speaker 4 And one of the first war games, Kriegspiel, was like written out as a set of rules that look like a game, but certainly aren't a game, because we're doing very serious things here.

Speaker 4 It's what like the rule, the title boiled down to. And this denial...
Is that German? That is German. So it's like war game.
It was the original simulation of the battlefield on a board.

Speaker 4 And it was simply Gary Gygax and the original creators of D ⁇ D sitting down and saying, what if instead of an army, we just have one person we control?

Speaker 4 What if I control one dude and you control another dude and my dude can cast spells, but your dude has armor, and all of a sudden that's when it stopped being about armies and started being but it was always about taking something like a battle or some idea and then using the game to teach in some way.

Speaker 4 And so I always argue it's educational first and foremost, and only later did we start making these into forms of entertainment

Speaker 4 kind of secondarily.

Speaker 1 So when we when someone plays, do they need uh like a master with them to complete a game?

Speaker 4 They do need a game master and most game masters work with their friends for free. Most game masters are not paid but very often it is understood that like the game master is doing a lot more work.

Speaker 4 They're kind of doing a lot more preparation and so very often like free pizza snacks they

Speaker 4 are given maybe some benefits.

Speaker 4 But most people unless you have a friend who is willing to step up and DM or groups who kind of rotate who the game master is

Speaker 4 if you don't have that then you're a lot of people unfortunately are out of luck.

Speaker 1 Well we have it so let's do it. So, yeah, so are you handing me the die? Now, does PFT get one as well? Absolutely.

Speaker 4 You can each take one D20.

Speaker 1 Here you go.

Speaker 1 20-sided die, huh? All right.

Speaker 4 And this D20 is going to be used for pretty much everything we do in the game. Anytime you try to do something in the game, you're rolling this die.
You're trying to get a high number.

Speaker 4 20 is the best you can get. It means you are getting something spectacular.
If you roll a one, you've done goofed. Something really bad is going to happen to you, and I'll probably describe it.

Speaker 4 But you'll be adding bonuses, and rather than doling out character sheets to you, I would be handing you sheets with a lot of numbers and a lot of like little notes about what your character can and can't do.

Speaker 4 I would just be letting you know based on what character you choose, like what bonuses you would have to keep things simple.

Speaker 4 But picking your character is a big part of the game, so I'll say as a way of introducing that, there are four main categories of characters in D ⁇ D.

Speaker 4 There are the fighty types, the ones who wear armor and use weapons. There are the ones who cast spells that do attacks and like elemental damage and stuff like that.

Speaker 4 There are the casters who support people by healing and doing other cool buffing magic. And then there are the sneaky types.

Speaker 4 The sneaky types are the ones who go around scouting and backstabbing people.

Speaker 1 Got it. All right.
What do you want to be, PF?

Speaker 1 I mean, I feel like I'm the sneaky type, right? Sneaky types. I'll be the fighter type.
Fighty type. I like it.

Speaker 1 Do we need another player?

Speaker 4 Yeah, you can have another player if you want to roll

Speaker 1 over there. Yeah.
You can roll. All right, Hank.
So you be

Speaker 1 a caster. Spell.

Speaker 1 Wait, what was the second thing you said?

Speaker 4 So we've got a fighty type, a sneaky type, and then the spellcasters. Either a healing support spellcaster or an attack match.

Speaker 1 Even if you're not. Anything that has to do with dispelling is special types.
All right. So take it here.
You need a die.

Speaker 1 What do you call it again?

Speaker 4 I call it the D20. The D20.
It's a 20-sided die. And so in the game, they'll say things like the D6, that's the six-sided die.
The D8 is the eight-sided die.

Speaker 4 And mainly we just use the D20 to try to do different stuff. Okay.

Speaker 4 And if you are a fighty type, I will let you know you have the choice between being a fighter who is just specialized in combat, a paladin who is like a holy warrior, or a monk who is kind of like a martial artist, the punchy kind, a karate master.

Speaker 4 There's also a ranger who is kind of the bow master, the Aragorn type character, the Legolas, the Archer

Speaker 4 Woodsman, as it were. And I know I'm actually for the barbarian.

Speaker 1 I'll be a barbarian. Of course, the raging barbarian.

Speaker 4 Good choice. Fantastic.
The barbarian's power is you rage and swing your axe.

Speaker 1 Very straightforward.

Speaker 4 And as the sneaky type, you get two choices. You could either be the rogue, which is the straightforward sneaky type, or you could be the bard, who is kind of the musician we were talking about.

Speaker 4 He's a jack of all trades, can do a little bit of magic, a little bit of sneaking, and a little bit of everything, kind of. Huh.

Speaker 1 I think your bard sounds mighty tempting right now. Although, you did kind of steered me away from the bard earlier when you told me about that creep.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but just don't be a creep. Okay, I'm going to be a not creepy bard.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, this one. 20.
All right. Hank's got it.
So then, Hank. All right.
So, Hank, you're a warlock?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Absolutely.
All right. Let's do it.
Now. So, does it matter that I'm holding a hammer? I feel like, does a bard carry a sledgehammer ever?

Speaker 4 Bard can carry.

Speaker 4 Generally, no, they wouldn't have a sledgehammer. So if you want to trade swords, the barbarian would be wielding that big old sledgehammer.

Speaker 1 I just want to make sure this realistic.

Speaker 4 This thing is awesome. Absolutely.
I'm going to go ahead and say you're a barbarian with a two-handed hammer. That's a really great weapon for you to have.

Speaker 1 There you go.

Speaker 4 Boom, boom, boom.

Speaker 4 So if we are starting out a really quick little DD adventure, like say the beginner box, the beginner beginner box is a perfect little introduction to dnd because it gives a little bit of an adventure that we can at least start today and it gives us a little idea of what a typical adventurer's day is like but we are in the city right now of neverwinter and neverwinter is a city along the region called the sword coast it is along the coast absolutely and so it is kind of a it's in a chilly region but it is a warm city because of a nearby volcano and that's why it's such a big populous city and we all have one thing in common in the city of Neverwinter we are friends with a guy named Gundren Rockseeker now Gundran Rockseeker is a dwarf he's a dwarf who owns a shop in a far well not that far a three days away is a village called Fandalin and he owns a shop there and Gundrin was wondering if we would be able to deliver a package to the town of Fandlin we know what's in the package sounds like a drug addict his name's Rockseeker Gundren Rockseeker yes

Speaker 4 you think he is part of a long dwarven lineage of the Rockseeker family who are miners by profession. But this was a long time ago.
Now they are merchants, apparently.

Speaker 4 But he tells you that he does need something delivered to Fandel, and he has told you what is in there is just supplies to help the town grow.

Speaker 4 Apparently, there's a keg of beer, there's a lot of lumber, and there's a lot of mining picks and shovels, things that they can't build in town but need delivered to them from Neverwinter.

Speaker 1 Good stuff. Yes.

Speaker 4 And Gundren is inviting us to dinner because he's wondering if we have any questions for him about payment or anything like that.

Speaker 4 But he is letting us know at dinner. The thing is, I was hoping to take this delivery myself.

Speaker 4 It's just one wagon load, and I was planning on leaving tomorrow morning with it.

Speaker 4 And he turns to a friend of his, a friend who's a human with a bow on his back, who's kind of like elbowing Gundren

Speaker 4 kind of urgently.

Speaker 4 But you don't know what he's elbowing him about. But Gundren looks at his friend, the human, and he says, we've got to actually leave tonight.

Speaker 4 Some business has come up and we'll need to leave about 12 hours early.

Speaker 1 I don't trust his schedule.

Speaker 1 I don't trust the schedule.

Speaker 4 You know something's going on here and he's not telling you everything.

Speaker 4 So if you want to persuade Gundren to reveal more information, somebody here would make a persuasion check and it'll tell us right now, we've got a bard in this group. Is that right? Yes, yes.

Speaker 4 So the bard, you're going to have the best persuasion skill by far. You would have a plus five to your role on at first level.
So if you give that a roll, you can try to convince Gundran.

Speaker 4 Is that what you would like to do, however? That's one way you could find out. Another way is somebody could roll an insight check to try to read his face and be like, what's he hiding from me?

Speaker 1 Like a poker player.

Speaker 1 What about rolling, to just put him in a headlock and be like, tell us what you're doing?

Speaker 4 You would be the best at that, barbarian. And you could try to either do that by actually headlocking him with an athletics check.
You'd have a plus five on this. Okay.

Speaker 4 Or you could just make it look like you're going to do that to him with an intimidate check.

Speaker 1 And you'd have a plus four on that.

Speaker 4 However, you know that if you intimidate him and fail, probably he's going to be real mad at you.

Speaker 1 Okay, but he's a dwarf.

Speaker 1 He's a dwarf. Hold on.

Speaker 1 Pretty easy to put in a headlock.

Speaker 4 Relatively easy.

Speaker 1 Pause for a second. Are we all working together?

Speaker 4 In theory, yes, but you don't have to be.

Speaker 1 Got it. We will work together.
Yeah. All right, so what do we want to do, guys? What do you think? Can I put this dwarf in a headlock? You should put him in a headlock.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm going to put him in a headlock.

Speaker 4 Absolutely. You're going to put him in a headlock.
Now, are you trying to mainly just be intimidating and like fake?

Speaker 1 No, we want to know what the hell's going on.

Speaker 4 Yo, dude, just tell us. Now, I'm going going to ask you a question.
Are you raging before you put Gundran in a headlock?

Speaker 4 Yeah, because if you rage, you'll get to roll two times and take the higher of the two numbers.

Speaker 1 And I am rage.

Speaker 1 You let out a roar. You're angry.

Speaker 4 Gundren almost falls backward in his seat, and the human next to him like kicks his chair back and stands up like he's reaching for a moment.

Speaker 1 I'll trust a human, by the way.

Speaker 4 Absolutely. He's armed.
Yep. And so you can roll once, and you're adding plus five to this.

Speaker 1 15 plus five. That's fine.

Speaker 4 So you got a 20, and you have grabbed Gundren already. Just roll one more time to see if you did any better than that.
You definitely grabbed him. And now I do get to roll against you.

Speaker 4 So I'm just going to roll real quick to make sure. Nope.
He got a two, which is like a total of four for him. He is severely headlocked by you.

Speaker 1 Now he's shouting, let me go. Let me go.
What do you want?

Speaker 4 What do you want, friend? I was going to pay you. What's this about? What's going on? Now, what do you want to say to him?

Speaker 1 I want to know what the hell's in the package and why is this human dude just telling you we got to leave tonight? I've got a theory about the human dude, though.

Speaker 1 I feel like Gundren might have been, like, he might be under duress from the human. Well, okay, so just tell us what's going on, man.

Speaker 4 He blurts out at this point. I told you, true.
It's just

Speaker 4 some ale, some mining picks. There's nothing hidden in the wagons.
Now, go ahead and roll your Intimidate check, but now you earned advantage because of putting him in a headlock successfully.

Speaker 4 So you get to roll that two times now.

Speaker 1 All right. Four now.
You got

Speaker 4 eight so far, but let's see if you do any better with this one.

Speaker 4 Okay, within again, with an eight, the human is looking at you stony-faced right now. Like, he's like, What do you think you're doing right now?

Speaker 4 But he seems to think that you're not actually gonna do anything to Gundren, and he points at you without drawing his bow. And he says, If you release the dwarf, I'm sure we can talk things through.

Speaker 1 He hasn't said anything now.

Speaker 4 Gundren, Gundren is blurting stuff out. He's saying, Oh, listen, listen, we have to leave early because I got to meet my brothers.
I found something that I need to show them, and it's quite urgent.

Speaker 4 And the human's going, hey, Gundren, Gundran.

Speaker 1 You don't need to talk about this.

Speaker 4 This guy's going to let you go in just a second, isn't he? And he's looking at you like, you better let him go. But Gundrin's saying, I wanted to bring something to my brothers.

Speaker 4 It's just something

Speaker 4 quickly I needed to show them. Just a little something.
Nothing to do with you. Nothing.

Speaker 1 No double crossing.

Speaker 4 Nothing like that. So it's up to you whether you believe Gundren or this other human or not.

Speaker 1 Is there there a possibility that we can use one of Hank's spells to make them tell the truth?

Speaker 4 Absolutely. I would say that if you are a warlock, Hank, one of the spells that you could have might be charm person.

Speaker 4 And charm person, if you cast it upon one of these characters, only one, I roll a saving throw. And if they fail that saving throw, they just remembered, oh wait, I'm best friends with you.

Speaker 4 I love this guy. But if they pass the saving throw, then they know that you tried.
to charm them with magic.

Speaker 1 Let's try it. Or they'll still know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, charm them. Let's try it.

Speaker 4 Now, I'll say that if you charm the human, Gundren's in a headlock right now. He won't see you casting the spell, but the human will.

Speaker 4 It's just the human, if he's charmed, will be like, oh, that was probably a nice spell that you cast on me, right? So I'm going to roll his saving throw, and we're hoping he does bad on this.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, was that 16?

Speaker 4 I am sorry to say that the human with the bow on his back looks at you and says, nice try, dark magician.

Speaker 4 But I am hard, I am an elf, or I am partially an elf and i'm harder to charm than that wait did we learn something there though we didn't know he was you are noticing he does have slightly pointed ears i used to think i was an elf when i was a kid because my ears were pointing yes absolutely all right so we're we're in a pickle now so i got this guy i got this dwarf guy in a headlock and hank just lost his spell now what the hell do we got made so basically they know hank's a cop right your police they definitely know that he's not only a warlock but is casting spells upon them and the human's quite angry he turns to gundren and says gundren i think we've picked the wrong people for this job

Speaker 4 and he's like getting ready to like tell gundrin to make them leave and gundra's like wait wait please please let me go let me go uh he's not sharing more information right now but what would people be doing he's also not to be fair he's not attacking the warlock either but the the uh human with the bow is like saying you guys should leave so there's there's some ulterior motive going on here but it doesn't seem like they're hostile.

Speaker 4 It doesn't seem you can pick that much up. You think you could roll an insight check to be sure.

Speaker 1 Oh, let's do it. Get an insight check on them.

Speaker 1 Is that me? Is that me? You could roll that.

Speaker 4 If you are the bard, you might have a plus three on this, let's say. Okay,

Speaker 1 insight check. So what is he looking for? What kind of role?

Speaker 4 You're looking for as high a role as you can get.

Speaker 1 That is a 16. There you go.

Speaker 4 You feel very sure that this, whatever they're hiding, is not at your expense.

Speaker 4 You don't think that they're trying to put us out. They just don't want to share something that they're excited about that they do want to share with the brothers, and that's why they asked me.

Speaker 1 It's like they got a round of golf the next morning.

Speaker 1 They got a cool. So, what do we do now?

Speaker 1 We let him go.

Speaker 4 You could just let him go.

Speaker 1 You just let him go?

Speaker 4 Seems like he does still want to tell you.

Speaker 1 My arms start to cramp. Well, here's the thing: we've shown that we're physically dominant over him, so we're not going to try any funny business on us.

Speaker 4 He is letting you know that he's hired you for this because he was worried about brigands, and he's not sure if you were doing this in order to show him how strong you are, but you have succeeded in doing so.

Speaker 4 He's still willing to pay us the regular fee of 10 gold pieces for us to go.

Speaker 1 I think let's do it. Yeah, yeah, let's let them go, and

Speaker 1 we'll carry their package.

Speaker 4 You can tell that they don't want to enjoy this dinner anymore with us. They just want us to go back to our homes.

Speaker 1 Are they paying for that?

Speaker 1 They are still paying. Okay, they're paying.
This is a business trip.

Speaker 4 Yeah, they're paying half now, and then they're going to pay half when we arrive in Fandalen and meet them there. Okay.

Speaker 1 So we give them

Speaker 4 five gold pieces.

Speaker 1 Can we negotiate? Can we say seven now and then three later?

Speaker 4 Absolutely. If you want to roll a persuasion check, you have a plus five on this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's do it.

Speaker 1 There's a

Speaker 1 five.

Speaker 4 Five. Yeah, what you wanted? Seven now and three later? Yeah.
That he get he agrees to that. Sure.

Speaker 1 What was the total on that?

Speaker 1 It was five plus five.

Speaker 4 Oh, five plus five. A 10 you think is just enough to get that deal.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
Good deal. So we got seven now.

Speaker 4 Absolutely. And if we are.

Speaker 1 What if we just said, fuck it, we're not going to... We got your seven.
We're not going to do it. Let's go.

Speaker 4 You absolutely could go back to your homes and be like, we do not then follow up. And Gundren will have left the night before and probably not for weeks find out that you stole his money and die.

Speaker 1 I'm kind of feeling that. That's karma, though.

Speaker 1 What do you think? Absolutely. That's some bad karma.
I don't think it should. All right,

Speaker 1 we'll still deliver it. Totally.
Totally. I don't want bad karma.
Absolutely.

Speaker 4 So in theory, you're on this wagon with a mule pulling it and you're like, yeah, yeah, setting out on this three-day journey to the town of Fandalen. We know that we're a little worried about...

Speaker 4 about some brigands along the way, but as we journey our first and then our second day down what is called the high road from Neverwinter further to a city called Waterdeep, and then we break off into an area called the Tribor Trail where it becomes a bit more rugged.

Speaker 4 We still haven't run into any threats.

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 4 But up ahead, we are noticing something. On the third day, just before we're reaching maybe our final day where we'll be at Fandalin,

Speaker 4 you can see that something is in the road up ahead. It looks like two lumps, and everyone can roll a perception check.
You would have a plus plus two.

Speaker 1 All right, I got a plus two. I'm rolling it right now.
I got a six. Not great.

Speaker 4 Oh, that's actually a nine. Oh, that's a nine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a nine. How does, does that come up off?

Speaker 4 It's going to be the dot at the bottom. Okay, got it.
There's a dot or a line. It's always at the bottom.
Nine, so 11. So you got an 11.

Speaker 4 You can tell these are two horses, it looks like, lying in the road with apparently saddles on.

Speaker 1 Yes. Shit.
They're dead? They look dead.

Speaker 4 You think they're dead, but you can't tell for sure. They look either unconscious or dead.

Speaker 1 Is Johnny Quato around anywhere? That's a bummer.

Speaker 1 That's a bummer. Johnny Quato, he's killed two horses.
All right, so what do we do now with these two horses?

Speaker 4 I mean, we can also roll other perception checks to see if anybody else picked up details you didn't.

Speaker 1 So if you want to roll your perception check, you got a four. No, you did not know even you see lumps.

Speaker 4 That's it, unfortunately.

Speaker 1 Bad eyesight. I got a 19.
19. There you go.
Whoa, hey, you

Speaker 1 lying?

Speaker 4 Are actually a warlock, and you would have a plus, let's say, three on this. And so your total will be at 22.

Speaker 4 With the 22, 22, you can tell that not only do these horses have their saddles on their back, you can tell that one of them is actually not a horse. It's a pony, slightly smaller.
Mr.

Speaker 1 Spring.

Speaker 4 You can see that all, both the horse and the pony, are riddled with arrows, it looks like. There are about six arrows spread across the two animals.

Speaker 1 That pisses me off. As an aside, I'm getting my rage up just to let you guys know.
You are rage. Yep, I'm raging.

Speaker 4 I would also like to point out that you can roll a check. This would be a knowledge check, so we're going to add like a plus five history bonus to this.

Speaker 4 13. 13 with an 8.
So you had a plus 5 for 18 total? Fuck yes. 18 total is going to tell you that you know who made these arrows.

Speaker 4 You know that they are black and that they have feathered hats, but that they are not very well made. They are quite crude.

Speaker 4 And you'd bet dollars to doughnuts that if you were to yank one of those arrows out of one of the horses, it would have a hooked end. These are goblin arrows.
Goblins made

Speaker 1 these arrows. So what do we do?

Speaker 4 In fact, with an 18, you know that local to this area are the Kragma goblins.

Speaker 4 And as you notice that, but you think it's really as you hear the barbarian letting out a rage, all of a sudden, arrows come flying out of the woods. There are two arrows.

Speaker 4 One of the arrows is going to be flying at our warlock first.

Speaker 1 Can you have one of us die at some point?

Speaker 1 We may have that happen right now. Whoa.
Well,

Speaker 4 the person going next would unfortunately be the goblins now because no one goblins

Speaker 1 fired out.

Speaker 4 And they're going to be firing once at the barbarian. And that is going to be a miss against the barbarian, actually.

Speaker 4 And then a shot against the bard. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 And I'm sorry, Bard.

Speaker 1 But it's more damage coming against you. No, no.
Oh, no.

Speaker 4 And I'm sorry to say you took seven points of damage, Bard, and are now knocked out. Your last words were to the barbarian shouting.
What did you shout to encourage him?

Speaker 1 I was trying to give him inspiration. I was saying fucking.

Speaker 4 I'm going to say you gave him inspiration.

Speaker 1 So as you shout, fuck him up. Fuck him up, fam.

Speaker 4 All of a sudden the arrow lands right in your chest knocking you out right now unfortunately and barbarian you would be up I gotta finish these losers off so what do I gotta do?

Speaker 4 So you could either try to climb the tree now and hit one of them with an axe which your hammer which deals a lot of damage or you could throw a javelin probably at the injured one to think all right we've already done the javelin let's go let's climb this tree absolutely and fight him like a man uh now you have two options here you can either swing your axe and that's one dice roll or if you try to use athletics to grab him and throw him out of the tree, you would actually have advantage on it.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's do that. Let's do that.
So, I roll both.

Speaker 4 You can roll both and take the higher number. And he needs to roll against it.

Speaker 1 17, baby.

Speaker 4 17. So far you're succeeding.
Just roll one more time and see if you get a crit.

Speaker 1 Whoa, whoa. What happens with that?

Speaker 4 If it falls off the table, it usually never counts. Okay.

Speaker 4 13. So we know that with the 22 you got total, you pick this guy up, you throw him out of the tree, and you get to roll this damage against him.
Oh, is this against the injured or uninjured goblin?

Speaker 1 I'm going to go against the uninjured

Speaker 1 goblin.

Speaker 4 I'm giving you 2d6 damage as you chuck him out. Oh no, he spikes into the ground, but it's only three.
Oh, but you get to add your strength to this.

Speaker 4 So actually, you dealt enough damage just barely to kill this goblin. When you add your strength bonus to that, boom.
You spike him literally on the ground football style.

Speaker 4 Whoa, from above, and he bounces once, twice, three times on his head.

Speaker 1 The head explodes.

Speaker 4 Nicely done. Thank you.
And now, Bard, since you are knocked out and no one's there to help you just yet, I need you to roll a D20. And if you get a 10 or higher, you are getting closer to living.

Speaker 4 But if you roll a nine or less, you are getting closer to dying.

Speaker 1 That is a huge roll.

Speaker 1 Huge roll!

Speaker 1 Now that's good.

Speaker 4 You have gotten one out of the three successes that you need in order to stabilize.

Speaker 1 Much like when you're in jail in Monopoly. Exactly, exactly.

Speaker 4 You need three rolls to get out, but if you fail three rolls before you get out, then you are dead, unfortunately.

Speaker 1 Okay. There you go.
So that will then bring us to the point. So what are you going to do? Wait, reset real quick.
So PFT is in trouble.

Speaker 1 He's down.

Speaker 1 Hank has had a little damage. I killed one of the goblins, but one of them is injured.

Speaker 4 One of them is injured with two points of damage.

Speaker 1 Just two of them? Oh.

Speaker 1 Is there a way to go all in? Like, I just put it all on the table and go for it?

Speaker 4 In theory, you could use one of your more more powerful spells you would have used charm person on a previous day so if you want to use a powerful uh either attack spell or you could try charming one of these goblins again with your charm spell if you want that's what i would charm one of them he'll get two rolls because you're in combat with him right now but if he fails he'll stop fighting us

Speaker 4 all right i'm gonna do that you know you charm yourself i think this guy's worth more alive to us than he is dead you don't actually have to roll anything i'm gonna roll two times to try to resist your spell you know what this is a dumb goblin i'm only rolling once he's saw his friend uh get uh killed and so he's willing to negotiate i'm just gonna roll once and he got a total of a one what

Speaker 4 yes he pops his head out and says wait wait wait you you uh you you friend to goblins i think i see you before i think i see you yes you friend wait hold on hank you seen them yeah hank yo you're suspect now no no no

Speaker 4 you can tell that our warlock is winking at us but the goblin's not noticing Put that on the table.

Speaker 4 That's actually good role playing for the barbarian.

Speaker 1 Like, he's not, yeah, like, yo, it's like smart enough to pick up the bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's Johnny Ola, the godfather. Like, how do you know him?

Speaker 1 Okay, got it.

Speaker 4 And so, this goblin is still in the tree, but is talking to you right now.

Speaker 4 And if you roll a persuasion check, and you actually have a plus five on this as a warlock, you're quite persuasive because you make deals with creatures all the time.

Speaker 4 You get to roll two times and take the higher of the two numbers.

Speaker 1 Three,

Speaker 1 eighteen, There you go.

Speaker 4 18 plus 5.

Speaker 4 23. Right now, this goblin is either going to do four things for you or answer four questions.
He'll do four little minor favors for you or four questions.

Speaker 1 I'm a man of action. You have come.

Speaker 4 You have talked to the Kragmaws before. You have met my boss and you are a friend of my Kragmaw tribe.
I know you. I know you.
Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 1 Just kid stuff? What are you going to do?

Speaker 1 I mean, I.

Speaker 1 Should I do the favors? It's your call. It's your call, Hank.
I personally would say I actually cats as good.

Speaker 4 You can do a mix of both.

Speaker 1 Sorry, you were too clarifying that.

Speaker 1 A mix of different ones. Yeah.

Speaker 4 So, and a question could lead you to more ideas on what to do. So you've got four things you're getting out of this guy now.
What do you want?

Speaker 1 Where are the rest of your goblins?

Speaker 4 He points to the north and he says, you know, you've been to our cave before. Cragma Hideout.

Speaker 1 It's where me live, where Clark live.

Speaker 4 We, you know, has river flowing out of it, bushes in front. You know.

Speaker 1 They seem to know a lot about you, Hank.

Speaker 4 You got to follow Goblin Trail this way. And he points to part of the road that you didn't notice that does seem to have a teeny, tiny little footpath going to the north.

Speaker 1 Will we have trouble if we take Goblin Road?

Speaker 4 Well, you need a goblin to guide you so you don't fall into the two traps.

Speaker 1 He's just saying that so we don't kill him. I don't like this goblin.

Speaker 1 What about if we just don't

Speaker 4 kill you? He also told you there were two traps there. So if we want to kill this guy, at least then we do know two traps is when he's mentioned.
So he says, you need...

Speaker 4 Goblins will take you around the two traps. But yeah, you have to watch out for the two traps.
You know that.

Speaker 1 I'd like him to apologize for killing the horses.

Speaker 4 You could make one of your questions, ask him to apologize, because he's very confused.

Speaker 1 Why shouldn't we kill you?

Speaker 4 Why shouldn't we kill you? He said, oh, oh, oh, well, well, no, kill me, you friend of Kragmaws. I, I, uh, Blico, Blico, a good goblin.
You should be friends with Blico.

Speaker 1 I, I am, uh, uh, loyal, loyal Kragmaw.

Speaker 4 You friends with us. Don't kill me, please.
I didn't do anything wrong.

Speaker 1 Question.

Speaker 4 Sorry for shooting at you, but it was a mistake.

Speaker 1 Question. Can I kill the goblin and Hank? Because I don't trust Hank now either.

Speaker 4 Yes, as soon as he's done with his last question, it's your turn.

Speaker 1 So you can do whatever you want.

Speaker 4 I want to point out the goblin.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I'm knocked out.

Speaker 4 I'm going to get you out of here now, but you still have two things you can get out of him. So you could ask him to come out of the tree as one of the questions.

Speaker 4 And then you shall have one left.

Speaker 1 Seems like it's an inside job. Like the fact that they almost knew we were coming.
Hank got like a a little bit injured, but not much. Yep.
Meanwhile, I'm over here bleeding from my neck.

Speaker 1 Alright, so the first thing is come out of the tree.

Speaker 4 Yeah, so he climbs out of the tree and runs up to you.

Speaker 1 Murder my two compartrons.

Speaker 4 Okay, he will absolutely make an attack against one of them. He says, which one? Which one? Quick.

Speaker 1 The barbarian. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 You better try to stab him.

Speaker 4 He pulls out his scimitar to stab. Absolutely.
So

Speaker 4 I'll let you roll his attack now because he's under your control.

Speaker 1 Lamb makes sure that you're going to be able to get it. He has a plus four on this attack.

Speaker 4 11. 11 plus 4 is 15, and that is just enough to hit the armor class of the barbarian.
Please go ahead and, if you want to roll a D6, this D6 plus 2,

Speaker 4 is the damage?

Speaker 4 So it's that, whatever that is, plus 2.

Speaker 1 2.

Speaker 4 2 plus 2. So 4 damage.
But as a barbarian who is raging, you take half damage from weapon attacks. So you only take 2 points of damage.

Speaker 4 It's the first two points of damage you've taken, so you're not even bloody at this point.

Speaker 1 And he goes, that's the best you can do.

Speaker 4 And then he looks at you and goes, what now? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 He's going to try to hide in a nearby bush as his bonus action real quick. And he is in.
Now, to be fair, he's hidden in there, but you could easily run up to this goblin to attack him or attack him.

Speaker 1 Don't even want the goblin. I want Hank.
I want to kill him. I'm going to go after him now, totally.

Speaker 1 Why don't you like

Speaker 1 the goblin? No, I don't want to be Hank's pet. I don't care about the goblin.
I want to kill Hank. He just tried to kill me.

Speaker 4 Absolutely. So

Speaker 4 you can rush up to Hank, swing your great axe, I assume.

Speaker 1 What do I need to do?

Speaker 1 What do I need to roll here?

Speaker 4 You don't know his armor class yet, but you know it's weaker than yours, which is like 15 or 14.

Speaker 1 Okay. Wait, hold on a second.
So just to reset again, Hank is sitting there. He's already a little injured.

Speaker 4 He's,

Speaker 4 I believe, a little. I know the bard got injured, and you did get a little injured.
He had to get five points of damage. He's really injured?

Speaker 1 I'm knocked out.

Speaker 4 He's bloodied, so one more attack from you will definitely take him down.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You know what? I actually just want to kill off PFT because he's already

Speaker 1 dead on the ground. He's actually going to point out he's bleeding out.
Yeah, yeah, let's just finish him off.

Speaker 1 No, let's finish him off. I don't like this.
I don't like this at all. Hank, truce.
Let's just kill PFT. Which is bullshit.
No, no, no. It's funny.
Dude, he's just trying to kill you.

Speaker 1 You're going to trust him? Yeah, because you're already almost dead.

Speaker 1 I've done nothing to him.

Speaker 4 He's on the ground. You get to roll two times against him, and if you hit him, it counts as two bad dice rolls.

Speaker 1 Can I sing a protective song?

Speaker 4 He's unfortunately not unconscious. What do I do? You You roll this two times to make sure you hit him.

Speaker 1 So far, you're

Speaker 4 putting his armor on the ground instead of him.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, you hit him.

Speaker 1 And now

Speaker 4 you currently have one out of three successes, but you have two out of three failures on your turn. And if you could now roll your last potentially DC.

Speaker 1 So what happens? Tell me about it.

Speaker 4 So if I actually get above a nine nine or less now, he's dead.

Speaker 1 Okay. Officially dead.
Here we go. Here we go.

Speaker 1 You will now have two successes

Speaker 4 and two failures, but your next dice roll will still determine if you live or die.

Speaker 1 So what is the guy going here?

Speaker 4 I mean, is anyone on their next turn going to be helping him at all?

Speaker 1 No, I just want to check if we know that.

Speaker 4 Then roll your last one.

Speaker 1 Hank's going to come at me too. Yeah.
Hell yeah, dude. You're almost dead.
You can't trust us. You're either going to be a dad.
The goblin knew everything about him.

Speaker 1 The goblin knew every single thing about Hank's personal life. But I decided not to.

Speaker 1 All right. come on.

Speaker 1 There we go. 13.

Speaker 4 Hey, you are going to be stabilizing, actually, and lying unconscious, but your blood has stopped flowing out of your body at the very last minute because then you got another wound.

Speaker 4 And then it would be the Warlock.

Speaker 1 Finish him off, Hank.

Speaker 4 You could shoot at him on the ground.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go back at Big Cat. Oh, it's a little fucker.
Oh, yes. You little fucker.

Speaker 4 You clot twist. Now go ahead and roll for your goblin first.
Your goblin gets two d20 rolls

Speaker 4 because he's hidden.

Speaker 1 Come on, Hank. 10.
10.

Speaker 4 So far, so good. Roll one more time, though, just to see if you crit.

Speaker 1 16.

Speaker 4 16 is definitely a hit, and you can roll that d6 plus two.

Speaker 4 One. One plus two.
That sucks. It's half down from three to one damage against you.
So you get a total of three damage. You're still not bloody.
Fine.

Speaker 4 And then do you want to launch an eldritch blast against him?

Speaker 1 Yeah, wait, you can still do that. Yeah,

Speaker 4 because his goblin has attacked. Now he's going to be able to do that.

Speaker 1 Whatever I can do.

Speaker 1 Empty the armory.

Speaker 1 Three, punch. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Not a hit. Then roll to see if your goblin successfully hides.
For this. Because if it does, it gets advantage on his next attack roll.

Speaker 1 Four.

Speaker 4 Four. He's not hitting anymore.
If he's trying to hide behind a tree, but doesn't. What are you in the army?

Speaker 1 I got a problem here because I already fucked with PFT and he's almost dead. But...
So I don't... I probably...
What do I have to roll to kill PFT? What do I have to roll to kill him?

Speaker 4 If you hit him one more time, he is dead for good because you dealt two extra failures.

Speaker 1 What does one hit mean? Yeah, and then what is it?

Speaker 4 You just need to get one shot at him with advantage that hits his armor.

Speaker 1 Okay, then what about him?

Speaker 4 If you hit him, you will probably knock him out with a single attack.

Speaker 1 If I do not go at you, will you promise to kill out Hank? Yeah. Oh, yeah, let's stop Hank.
All right, so I'm not going to go at you, but so far.

Speaker 4 He's still unconscious right now.

Speaker 1 So what does that mean when he rolls?

Speaker 4 He just keeps lying, and now when he rolls on the ground, you have stabilized. You don't worry about any failures anymore on your rolls.
It's only people injuring you that can kill you.

Speaker 4 But if you get a 20, you wake up.

Speaker 1 Okay, all right. So you got to roll a 20.
We got to kill Hank. All right, so I'm going to go with Hank.
So what do I got to roll?

Speaker 4 So you got to roll with a plus five, and I'll just tell you it's a 13 you're trying to get against him.

Speaker 1 13 and he's dead?

Speaker 4 And he's dead. Kill him.

Speaker 1 Hank, are you even paying attention? Ready?

Speaker 4 And with a plus five.

Speaker 1 Plus five.

Speaker 1 15

Speaker 1 hit.

Speaker 4 Yes. And I mean, we can just roll it, but it's definitely going to be enough because you had plus five.

Speaker 1 That's what you get for hanging out with goblins.

Speaker 4 You can just roll both of them with a plus five. It's definitely going to knock him out.
Oh!

Speaker 4 And it's. I just want to check if it's enough damage.
7-2. So you had plus 5 to this 12 on top of what he already had.

Speaker 4 That would probably actually be an insta-kill hit where Hank dies instantaneously.

Speaker 1 That's the wrong barbarian, bitch.

Speaker 4 Goblin runs for it now that the charm spell is over.

Speaker 4 And that, yeah, that would be an overkill.

Speaker 4 and then you get to roll some

Speaker 1 often where everyone just turns on each other okay you know what i do run a kids game so the answer is actually 100 definitely this happens all the time

Speaker 1 dude

Speaker 1 i love the idea of like a mystery but then it ends with the barbarian just standing over the party's bodies like i want to use the mystery yeah where's the dwarf at in all this the dwarf that's a really good question yeah so i thought about that fucker i mean that goblin is running the dwarf had left a day early keep in mind So he should be at the town of Fandal But these are probably his horses with the guy with the bow

Speaker 1 Are they okay?

Speaker 4 I wonder So what are you rolling this goblin is running away right now now your role is just if you get a 20 you wake up and can do something otherwise you continue lying on the ground and the barbarian gets to do something okay

Speaker 4 Seven seven and now I will also say take one more roll. I am awarding you something called DM's inspiration.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I want to see if you would wake up. But okay barbarian.
Yeah. You've got one dead war left.

Speaker 1 You're bleeding out.

Speaker 4 As long as you hit with a roll on advantage,

Speaker 4 you need to get against him

Speaker 4 15.

Speaker 1 So you get two rolls? You get two rolls and plus five on each of them.

Speaker 4 So you're going to kill me. You're probably going to do that.

Speaker 1 You're doing it. Suck it.

Speaker 4 So I won.

Speaker 1 So you just murdered both of your party people. You blame all your friends.

Speaker 4 The goblin has run into the woods, and then you can hear the goblin and tree going, what the?

Speaker 1 What? What's going on?

Speaker 1 I want to kill that goblin.

Speaker 4 I'm Very confused. I'm going to say that if you're looking up at this goblin, the goblin panics and he is going to be shooting back at you.
He has hit you with that shot.

Speaker 4 He's just dealt eight points of damage to you, which becomes four. So now you've got a total of seven damage and you are bloodied.

Speaker 1 Are you going to run after that goblin? Yeah, I want to kill him.

Speaker 4 The goblin goes, I surrender. I surrender.
Are you still swinging at him? Oh, yeah. Okay, you can swing.

Speaker 1 No, well, can I do the thing where it's like, okay, cool, you surrender, and then I hit him after he surrenders?

Speaker 4 Oh, like, you want to, you tell him, okay, I accept your surrender. Yeah, right.
And then you catch him by surprise. Right.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 4 Roll two times, then I'll allow it.

Speaker 1 Nine.

Speaker 4 Nine, it was meant to be, but with a nine plus four, you a plus five. You are.

Speaker 4 This guy has lowered his shield. You are hitting him.
And you get to deal all of this damage against him.

Speaker 4 It's almost definitely... Enough.
You have slain this goblin

Speaker 4 and can see the trail going off into the north.

Speaker 1 See now you don't know what else is going on. You killed all your witnesses.
Well we should probably

Speaker 1 we do have to stop at some point. I feel like this is a good spot.
I want to play this full game.

Speaker 1 I want to play a full game.

Speaker 4 We can always continue the story and there are so many different RPGs out there that we can try out whatever ones we want.

Speaker 1 Awesome. We should just do this on occasion and see who can kill everybody else the fastest every time.
Yeah, I gotta say it was a perfect way to

Speaker 1 turn epic wrap-up.

Speaker 4 As I was starting to think of like, should I suggest good cliffhanger endings?

Speaker 1 You were like, could I murder everyone?

Speaker 4 And I'm like, that's a hell of a good cliffhanger right there.

Speaker 1 Now you're just out in the open, gonna starve to death. Congrats.
Just kill yourself. No, I'll eat your bodies.
There's nobody to sing you songs and make you happy.

Speaker 1 I hope you're happy with that, Big Cat. All right, Tam.

Speaker 1 This has been awesome, man. This has been such a fun thing.
I've never really done anything like this, and I really had a fun time.

Speaker 4 It's so cool

Speaker 4 running this for people who are interested in other kinds of games, but there's so much overlap at the same time. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 4 Well, thank you so much for watching. Excellent.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Love you guys.

Speaker 1 I'm the one to say I'm sorry anyway.

Speaker 1 Today is another day to find you. Shy.

Speaker 1 I've been coming for your love.

Speaker 1 Shy.

Speaker 1 I've been coming for your love,

Speaker 1 K.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 me

Speaker 1 on me.

Speaker 1 I've always said it's my beat, someone let away.

Speaker 1 Smell it, the body's okay.

Speaker 1 Save me

Speaker 1 life's the better to be safe than sorry.

Speaker 1 Life's the better to be safe than sorry.

Speaker 1 I'll let

Speaker 1 you.

Speaker 1 It's Pardon My Take presented by Far Stool Sports.