Brooks Koepka, Mt Flushmore Of Appetizers, And Deep Dive On Cryptic Zoology

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,

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On today's Pardon My Take, we have our good friend Brooks Koepka on the show.

Check in with Brooks, figure out what's going on with him, how he's going to attack this

shortened golf season.

Also tells us an all-time story about ESPN the magazine, or no, his GQ, no, his ESPN, the magazine's body's issue when he had to be naked all day. Always great to catch up with him.
We also have our deep dive with Billy Football, Mount Flushmore of appetizers, and who's back of the week. Before we do all of that, part of my take is brought to you by the Cash App.
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Okay, let's go. And then I can't blame all on the sun.
Oh, no, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue. And then we'll take it higher.
Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue. My take.
Presented by Barstool. Welcome to Part of My Take, presented by the Cash App.
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You get $10 for free, $10 to ASPCA. Today is Monday, April 13th, and I don't know, week five? Sports are back.
Week five, week five, the start of week five of No Man's Land. Sports are back.
It's the start of the first quarter of the second quarter of the NFL season of No Man's Land with no Sports. But we did have horse last night, which I'll tell you right now, I did not watch, did not tune into that.
It's Zach Levine. That's really the only – it's Zach Levine who competes in every single, like, off-the-books contest there is that the NBA can throw at you.
Chris Paul, Paul Pierce, really no interest in it whatsoever it uh yeah I'm not gonna watch it either uh unless Zach Levine wins and I'll probably raise a banner in the United Center but it is this weird we're in the spot I think it was Friday maybe was the official month uh that we have had no sports like the official mark of like you have now gone one month without any sports and it's weird how normal it's starting to feel as much as I miss it I'm getting scared because it's like day after day it becomes more normal this weird fucking existence where we wake up and just do the same thing over and over and over I need something to break it up Dana White I need you to get Fight Island going I need something even even the MLB throwing out the different divisions that they would use where they're they're saying they're going to do a shortened season and have it be all played in Florida and Arizona even that got me excited I was like oh this is kind of a cool idea and I'm actually all for this because it's going to be such a weird season anyway if they play a shortened season that why not have just completely random divisions and have it be something totally different where we always look back and we're like oh yeah that was the season that uh the cubs were in the same division as the giants or you know whatever whatever they all break down to be why not do that it'll be fun to at least watch something totally different right the only thing that we have pulling us forward right now is the NFL draft. And thank God that that's there because that's at least giving us something to talk about.
It feels normal that it's going to happen. Besides that, the only other NFL news is Mike Florio getting mad about players breaking social distancing guidelines.
Like he is a one-man wrecking crew. Florio, this is like his time to narc on everybody that's practicing.
So the Cowboys are addicted to breaking quarantine. The Dallas Cowboys got together, Dak Prescott through to like Des Bryant.
I think Cooper was there, a bunch of people. And then they had a party.
They had like a party person quarantine party, which is kind of a weird thing to do. And then if you're going to have a quarantine party, the rules should be like, put your phone in this basket so that Florio doesn't talk about us all day on Sunday.
He was right about that one. I mean, having a party is blatantly saying, I don't care.
I'm rich. Who cares about all these rules? And I think what we really need more than anything is we need a concerted PSA that gets put out across all messages where it basically is all your favorite football players saying, if you don't stay at home and follow these rules, we won't have football.
Cause that's, that's how the world needs to understand this problem because it clearly like just saying, stay at home for the health of your family members. People are like, fuck my family.
I don't care about Nana. Well, how about stay at home so that you can watch week six, Thursday night football, the Jaguars play the Titans.
Now you're going to stay at home forever. That's what I'm saying.
I never want to leave. I will stay inside all summer if it means that we have football in the fall.
But I think that colleges, there's just no chance that they're going to give up an entire football season. They're going to figure out a way to make their free money.

Without that free money, what's the NCAA even going to do?

That might be actually a silver lining to this whole thing.

We saw the XFL, they had to close their doors over the weekend.

A lot of sports businesses are having to shut down because they don't have their income.

The NCAA, if they miss a football season, they might have to just declare bankruptcy.

I don't know.

Can,

can the NCAA run out of money?

I think they have like billions and billions of dollars stashed away.

At least I assume at the very least,

if we take away,

you know,

they lost March Madness.

They're worried about losing college football.

Maybe they'll just come out with another NCAA football game.

Like that's a break glass in case for emergency.

We'll, we need to make money somehow. So fuck it.
Let's just turn to EA Sports. Shout out, by the way, the guy who's totally lost his mind more than anyone in the world, who is invited to come on and rehabilitate the fact that he can't have a coherent thought anymore, like more than one coherent thought in a 24-hour span, Darren Revell, who tweeted out the ultimate troll about the XFL only playing what 20 games in the AAF lasting 34 and then everyone's saying cool tweet dude and uh he basically was like well the context is implied everyone knows the context such a classic Revell like like looking for the negative interaction and then being like you guys are the stupid ones because clearly everyone knows what I mean.
I'm going to ban, I'm personally banning muting or I'm muting replies and I'm personally banning, uh, responding to Dan Revelle's tweets because that's all he has going for him right now. Correct.
To Darren, his personal sport has always been how many replies can I get telling me I'm a nerd, uh, to nerd to any given tweet or calling me a narc or reporting me to the police.

So I think the only way to fight that is just not pay attention.

So I'm turning a blind eye to Darren. And then replying to a few select few being like, hey, I was a nerd in high school, but now I'm rich and I have a family.

And it's like the Michael Scott.

Like I want to have a family of 100 kids. So that way none of them can ever say no to me and they all have to be my friend yeah he makes his kid he's gonna make his kids reply to his tweets when we all stop doing it uh and your kid too because he controls your kids yeah he does that was a normal thing that he did yeah start that up yeah rave, he's going off the deep end big time.
And you know what?

The XFL, it sucks.

But I am declaring DC Defenders champions on behalf of the city of DC.

They lost to the Vipers.

I am accepting the XFL championship for the DC Defenders.

Congrats to you guys.

It's not how we wanted to win it, but the stats don't lie.

So first place in the beast, toughest division,

hardest strength of schedule. I'll take it.
They lost to the Vipers. That's fine.
Vipers were terrible. Mark Traskman.
That's fine. I mean, hey, they lost to the Vipers.
The Chiefs lost a couple games this year, too. Yeah, that's true.
They did. They lost to the Vipers.
All right. So let's do who's back.
We got a good show. We got Brooks Kaepernick coming up.
We have Mount Flushmore, and then we have Billy's Deep Dive, which what is Billy doing today? Do we know? I forgot. Cryptozoology.
Yeah, so that should be a good one. I texted him.
I was like, let's try and keep it tight. And he said, okay, just Bigfoot then.
Whatever that means. I don't know what that means, but I just – All roads are going to lead back toerker mode with billy uh this summer i have a feeling that he's just trying to weave that into whatever conversation cryptozoology and we have a bunch of uh really good draft content coming up uh in the next like week and a half all right and stay tuned for the end of the show because blake is doing a little outro for him because i kicked his ass on the peloton yes yes so that will be that'll be great to hear him have to sing um who's back of the week Hank you start um who's back the week is the sons humans versus sons I'm sure you guys tuned in although probably not because neither did I but there was the NBA they had the NBA players play in like a 2k tournament and the championship was Devin Booker versus DeAndre Hayden.
So they might not be the best NBA basketball team, but they are definitely the most skilled NBA 2K team. Devin Booker won the whole thing and the Suns are back.
They should raise a banner in whatever their arena is called because they probably don't have much else going on there. Is this one of those situations where winning this is kind of like telling on yourself that you're really good at a video game? Yeah.
I mean, that's kind of what people – there's a lot of people making jokes. Like the fact that it's two sons in the championship doesn't really mean – that's not a good thing, I don't think.
No. Although it could be a good thing because I think weren't the San Antonio Spurs back when they were awesome with Tim Duncan and Tony Parker and Ginobili, they were such nerds and so boring that they didn't go out at all.
They just played video games together at each other's houses. So it either means that you have an awesome team or that you probably have the worst team.
Yeah, I think those days of video game shaming are over. I think that's a thing of the past.
And Devin Booker is kind of like the perfect Gen Gen Z like NBA guy where it kind of makes sense.

Yeah, I mean, I don't video game shame now that I'm back in the video game world

and just getting bullied every single night by a bunch of like 14-year-olds

on Twitch, like just manhandling me.

I feel like stepbrothers when they didn't take the long route

every single night.

I didn't realize like I had seen people say like F in the chat

on the internet for years and I didn't realize like the context of it

is when you're playing Twitch and when you do something bad,

They're just getting... I didn't realize, like, I had seen people say, like, F in the chat on the internet for years, and I didn't realize, like, the context of it is when you're playing Twitch,

and when you do something bad, they just get over flooded with Fs in the chat.

It's honestly hilarious, but it's like, when it happens to you,

it's like the most embarrassing thing in the world.

What does that mean, F in the chat?

What's worse?

It's like if you throw an interception.

If you throw an interception, it'll just be F, F, F, F, F.

Like, that was an F play.

It was like Fs in the chat. It's hilarious.
hank would you rather hold an f or hold an l i think it was like an overall game and f is just like a bad play like but they don't let you forget bad moment they're gonna they're gonna f you in the chat till yeah so you mention it just drowning in f's uh pft who's your who's back my who's back of the week is trent dilfer he's back in a big way he uh he was handling to a tagliovoa's pro day for him excuse me his virtual pro day did he get that jet for uh dilfer did not get the jet he had to walk there he had to hitchhike there and the he just like loaded up in the back of farm trucks i think to get to alabama and then then he reported on the pro day by just like doing a write-up in the notes app and said that Tua went like 49 for 52 and made some of the best throws that he's ever made. And he did the old Ron Jaworski trick of saying it was the best workout I've ever seen in my entire life.
He's got a better arm than Dan Marino, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So, yeah, so Trent found a way for him to get his name back in the news.
So congratulations, buddy. I love that.
I watched some of Tua's pro day and it was weird because it wasn't like the field he was on was, it was a small training field. So they were running plays in like all the different directions.
And I must have watched Tua throw like 15 bubble screens because that was how much room, they didn't have enough room. They ran it like the opposite way of the bubble screens.
It was very bizarre, but I guess you got to do what you got to do right now. Yeah, so Dilfer was in charge of scheduling that.
And now I'm back wanting Tua. I keep going back and forth, like for the Redskins.
I wanted him a couple weeks ago, then I didn't want him. Now I think I want him i saw like some videos of uh of of college quarterbacks throwing left-handed and they look weird as shit and i don't like the way that a lefty looks in college but when you take the stripes off a ball lefties look sweet again so watching to a throw with an nfl ball looks good like the witchcraft is gone or whatever it looks i think it goes from looking like it's spinning clockwise to looking like it's spinning counterclockwise now that it has the, the stripes off it.
So I'm on board the two, a train. How would your buns of anarchy partner feel about your left-handed comments? PFT, Matt Leiner.
He looked great throwing the ball in the NFL. Matt Leiner was a great NFL player.
Looked weird in college throwing it. So it was so much better in college.
Take that spin zone back to the shop. This is the season for – actually, I just do this for my Who's Back.
Clicking on the threads of highlights of each – you know, like the different scouts on Twitter who are like, this thread, Tua's thread starts here, and then you can click on it and watch basically every throw he made for the entire year I was watching it and there was one there was one where he had New Mexico State where he threw a 10 yard pass to Jerry Judy and no joke not a single person touched Jerry Judy he went 80 yards to the house and he went through like four people on the defense and that was how much better and faster like they are than the new mexico states of the world so two is back i you can fall in love with two uh like he's electric i'm back in love was electric i'm back in love with him like there's something about him that that makes you wake up i did do some research though about lefty quarterbacks in the nfl the last lefty quarterback to throw a touchdown kellen moore so it we're in a drought right now. We're in a left-handed desert.
So I don't know, maybe two will take us out of it, or maybe he's a mirage. But right now I'm fully back.
I'm excited by two of them. My other who's back is my belly button.
I did a shirtless periscope yesterday and showed my belly button. And then I put it on my instagram uh swipe up and then i did the move where an hour later i went back and watched it and grossed myself out so much that i deleted it off my instagram swipe up it was that gross so my belly button it was a deep day it was very back and it's i don't know what to do i'm not like a like a porn situation like you're ashamed of it the second like you're second you're finished? Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah, pretty much. It was like an out-of-body experience.
Of course, deleting it off my Instagram does nothing because there's a video out there of the whole thing that's out there. But it was just one of those like, ooh, get this out of my face.
Yeah, it's pretty much the porn. X out of it as fast as you can but for my own body so you're just a shit has it gotten deeper though i don't know i think so i think probably um i think as the belly grows the deeper it gets yeah and after after a baby too that can probably like widen it yeah definitely sympathy weight yeah well i also just sitting down more you've probably been sitting more often and i feel like that does something to the consistency around like right that midsection there yep whereas if you're standing up walking around you're stretching out all the skin around the belly button it's like a big jelly donut yeah but yeah it's like it that's just quarantine belly i should put some jelly in there and see how long it will last before like just before it disintegrates just gets absorbed by your body

i actually had the idea that uh earlier today our dietician billy football who'll be on later

like what if i just started drinking baby formula every single day do you think i would lose weight

uh baby formula no baby food yes so if you were eating like the creamed peas and

yes like the blended carrots and stuff if you did nothing you ever see that movie forks over knives

Thank you. Baby formula? No.
Baby food? Yes. So if you were eating like the creamed peas and like the blended carrots and stuff, if you did nothing, you ever see that movie Forks Over Knives when that Australian dude was like, I'm going to solve cancer by just drinking vegetables all day? No.
So he pretty much claims. His name Alex Guerrero? Every meal.
Yeah. He's the Australian Alex Guerrero.
Chilean Alex Guerrero. Excuse me.
I can laugh at those jokes now. That was a good one.

Yeah.

So he claims to have like solved every single problem with the human body and health just by drinking juice for every meal instead of eating things.

So what you should do is just according to his study,

if you do nothing but just eat pureed vegetables all the time, you't get fat and you can't get you'll never die because it's just a hundred percent nutrients that your body's getting this is like david bowie did this in the 70s where he just did cocaine and drank milk all the time and became like 70 pounds yeah keith richards he just stayed tweaked out too much his entire life and just stoned as fuck just drunk high just on meth grinding his teeth down but he didn't eat meat yeah he's still alive right now it's crazy to think back about like some of those famous rockers like at some point in time there was someone's job in life and probably paid pretty well was to just make sure that david bowie enough two milk, 2% milk to stay alive. That was it.
That was an entire job. And it was the exact same thing with Keith Richards, except with Jack Daniels.
And they probably had people that would just like, they would pay to just roll them over on their sides whenever they passed. Yeah.
Like here, let's just make sure like, oh, all right. Another day at the office, David Bowie just drank his gallon of whole milk.
We're done for the day clocking out here as he like snorts like a kilo of cocaine. Yep.
Another healthy day in the books for old Bowie. All right, let's get to our interview.
We got Brooks Koepka, Blake Koepka on the show. Before we do that, Death Wish Coffee.
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Use promo code TAKE right now, deathwishcoffee.com. Okay, here he is, Brooks Koepka.
Okay, we now welcome on good friend of ours, recurring guest, a nominee for Blake of the Year 2020, which we don't even know when that's going to happen now. Actually, it's the only sport that is coronavirus-proof.
I was going to say, we should make an announcement right now. We are going to continue the Blake of the Year tournament.
We're not going to let the virus stop it. It will happen sometime, what, mid-June is generally when the take-ies are mid-June the Blake of the Year competition is on

as scheduled yeah so we have uh Blake number two last year is Brooks Koepka Brooks what's up man what's up guys all good yeah I mean pretty good I guess this sucks all things considered not bad what um what have you been doing I'm always like I I would assume that uh you have to train are you playing? Are you still playing golf?

No, I'm not playing golf. We got some time

off, so... What have you been doing? I would assume that you have to train.
Are you playing? Are you still playing golf? No, I'm not playing golf. We've got some time off.
A couple of golf courses closed down. I figured I might as well take the break while you can and just chill and work out and try to chill the house and try to get that six-pack back.
Are you yeah are you gonna get too jacked up oh no no no i you still gotta have a little bit of dad bod in there yeah okay because i i need bryce lindon the shamblistan to have something to complain about with your body so don't get back into like full-on piano mover shout out rick riley shape i need like i need something for him to come at you for because you play a little bit better when you get that fire yeah exactly i think that's that's the look we're going for a little bit of dad bod but not too dad bodish smart i did see that you were practicing left-handed though what do you think you could shoot left-handed oh um i don't know if i broke 100 that'd be pretty good i'd be i'd be pretty satisfied you're. Doesn't Barstool have to sing the U.S.
Open thing? I could go play Portnoy left-handed. You're such a dick to be like, I could probably break 100 left-handed.
I guess that'd be cool. How far could you hit it left-handed? I can hit it pretty far.
I think I hit it with a driver. Obviously, I only post the good ones because we're not going to show the bad ones.
I don't know. somewhere I mean I hit it i can hit it pretty far i think i hit it like with the driver i mean obviously i only post the good ones because we're not going to show the bad ones but i don't know somewhere i mean i hit it like 300 yards god damn it christ that's not fair the one before the one like before that or after that wasn't really showing that one didn't go very far what about when when they do that thing where you take your sand wedge and then you just hit it left-handed on the course have you ever ever done that? Yeah, I have.
Actually, because I've been playing so bad recently, I've had to do that a couple more times than I would have liked. What do you mean you've been playing bad? Well, I mean, it's not major season yet, so we're just prepping.
Are you worried, though? We're just getting to practice. Yeah, are you worried, though, that with the layoff and the season kind of like getting compacted here that you're gonna have to you're gonna have to win back-to-back tournaments at some point because there's gonna be majors that are like a week or two away from each other are you worried at all that there's it's gonna be a little bit more difficult to just dominate everyone in the big ones no no maybe i mean it mean, it's majors.
You'll be up for it.

You've got to figure out a way to get up for it.

But, you know, you just practice.

Make sure you're getting tuned up for them.

That's all you've got to do.

So I've been paying attention to a couple of your rounds recently.

And when you're not shooting well, I'm just like, good, that's awesome.

This is like perfect Blake.

He's getting to the zone.

He doesn't need to show up until the lights are the brightest.

Do you ever actually get pissed off at yourself for putting up a bad score during a non-major tournament? Yeah, yeah, I do. I actually get really annoyed.
But, I mean, it's become very frequent lately that you just got to let it slide now, and you're like, all right, got to find something, get back into it.

I mean, I was just finding my rhythm too when they canceled this because of Corona.

Just finding the rhythm.

You're about to go off.

I could feel it.

You were.

I'm telling you, man.

What do you think your GQ shoot, we never even talked to you about that.

Do you think you may be a little too pretty boy? I kind of look like Mark Anthony. Okay.
Yeah, the see-through shirt on the boat. I don't know what that look is.
Yeah, I mean, I gotta be honest. It's not like I'm sitting here picking out of my wardrobe.
I mean, it was definitely like 90s Miami Mark Anthony. I feel like that's the vibe they were going for.
The one on the boat, though, with like the robe, with like the Jack Nicholson one was cool. But the other one's a bit questionable, to say the least.
Yeah, I like the robe on the golf course look. Have you ever actually played around the golf in a robe? At that ESPN body issue, that was it mean and then you had to take the robe off but yeah that was about the only time i've been in a robe what was that like did you always have to make sure that there wasn't anybody standing in front of you that could take a look at you know your bits and pieces or what was that privacy situation all about there's actually a funny story behind this we were um so we're doing the shoot whatever it is it's not the golf course and they didn't close the golf course down and my coach is giving lessons people are playing i mean you could see and uh what they don't tell you is that like the makeup artist stands literally like right in front of you like frontal like 10 feet away the entire time the entire time the shoot's going on so it's like i don't know it's getting late in the day we're getting kind of tired but it's like it's cooled down a little bit it's like 60 degrees and it's starting to sprinkle and it's getting cold that's not not a good recipe all of it yeah i haven't complained all day and I kind of mutter under my breath.
I'm like, damn, it's cold. And the lady hasn't said anything all day.
And she just blurts out, I can tell. That's fucked up.
And I was like, are you serious? And she's like, no, no, no, no. The goose bumps.
The goose bumps. Yeah, for sure.
That's awesome. That's so mean, though.
That's the one thing that she can't say to you. No, that's funny.
I like the sense of the moment. I was just like, oh, honestly, it made my day.
I was like, yeah, this is awesome. This is exactly what I wanted.
I also read in that same article Big Cat was talking about, which if you haven't read it, go read it. It's pretty good, and the pictures are hilarious in it.
You've golfed with both Trump and Obama. Who's better? Trump's better.
Trump's a little better, yeah. Did he take any gimmies? Do you give gimmies to people when you golf? Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, yeah, you don't want to embarrass the guy.
So you're just like, yeah, it's good.

Just close enough.

Let them get on with it.

I feel like Trump takes 30-foot gimmies.

Yeah, what's the distance, though?

Because when I get like 10 feet away, I'm like, is that good?

And I usually kind of just make everyone be like, yeah, that's good.

Because what, are you going to fight me about it?

Like, would you give me that?

Yeah, I mean, when the president asks you and looks you in the eye, is that good?

I mean, you're really going to tell him no?

In the tee box?

He's like, hey, is that good?

Do I even have to swing here?

Yeah, he just strikes down the fairway every time.

It's amazing.

There's so many Secret Service guys out there.

He never loses a ball.

He can't lose a ball.

Yeah, that's perfect.

So your brother, we had an episode in the fall. You text me right after.
His name is Chase. Has he gotten over the fact that we just roasted him nonstop for like 15 minutes straight? Yeah, yeah.
He's gotten over it. I think, yeah, he's finally recovering.
He was just over the house the other day, just chilling. And I think, yeah, he's kind of forgiving you a little bit.
I mean, you guys absolutely hammered the name Chase. Well, I mean, hammered it.
Come on. I mean, we all had a friend named Chase that was, like, the first one to give us cigarettes, and our moms hated him and was not allowed over anyone's house.
Selling swag out of his fucking white Jetta. Yeah.
Okay, Chase. He stole a Super Nintendo from the pawn shop.
You're making us do it again.

Oh, he's the guy whose brother is

way more accomplished than him and

has a shitload of money and championships

and golfing. He's the guy that said that he could hook you

up by installing your speaker

system and your subwoofer at Best Buy,

but then he fucked up half the car so it only came out

the left side. Yeah, that's Chase.

Yeah.

He's making a comeback. He's making a comeback in 24.
Yeah. Wait, is he a golfer too? Yeah, yeah, he plays.
He plays on Corner Ferry now too, yeah. Oh, nice.
Good for Chase. He's pretty good, man.
Does he actually like golf? He's making a name for the Chasers. Yes.
We'll become Chase fans if he gets to – do you think he's going to get to the tour? Yeah, yeah, I think so. He just thinks so.
He played a couple events with me. He played a couple of them this year.
Did all right. And then we always play one of the tournaments together.
It's like a team event we always play. I mean, being the king of the chases, it's a pretty low bar to clear.
But still, you could be the best Chase ever. Yeah, we're rooting for Chase.
Yeah. Yeah, you got to.
to got to uh brooks i don't know if you've noticed this but i've been just hammering the shit out of at a semi-competition on the peloton recently i've been fucking destroying well yeah you don't you have been killing it you're on what how many days have you done in a row now a bunch i don't even know i don't even know how many anymore it's anymore. It's just like I eat, I sleep, I Peloton.
That's it. But I saw that.
So Bubba Watson's got one. Justin Thomas has one.
Rory is really good. Do you have one? I do have one, yeah.
I don't use it, but I've got one. Do you want to join my gang? Because we're kind of like the bad boys, and we just go around.
We smash shit up. Like, we don't even fuck with the golfers, golfers really yeah you just kind of like high five no no chance yeah exactly like i live to just mentally dominate bubble watson you know that's pretty easy you don't a lot of real estate up there yeah it's rent-free but we're all i guess we are all rent-free now or a lot of us are during coronavirus landlord if you have a good landlord yes correct yeah that is true what uh what about i'll hop on with you i gotta figure out what my name is i'll hop on with you okay it should just be it should be blake kepka yes yeah i think well yeah but you gotta put like some south african vibe to it though no true it's absolutely true um have you been playing video games i feel like you're a video game guy no i

dude i've never gotten into video games i've never played but um i was actually it got so low

i was watching the esports the other day what like just cringing for some sports and that's what i

think it was on esp and i don't know what it was but i was watching like the 2020 like uh madden

challenge or something it's rough it's rough out there yeah what do you think about yeah

I don't know what it was, but I was watching the 2020 Madden Challenge or something. It's rough.
It's rough out there. Yeah.
What do you think about it? Yeah. I mean, I kind of have this every once in a while.
I go online and look and just see what's going on. You can gamble on e-game.
E-gaming now? Yeah. You can gamble on it.
They're still going. Yes.
It's basically horse racing is the last frontier. On the weekends, I get excited because horse racing is back i mean they're it's always running but it's just shit tracks but yeah it's um it's crazy to like just just flip by those channels and be like oh man that would be cool to to just sit here and watch a game you know like the good old days yeah i mean i'll take anything on the olympic channel on that on weird NBC sports channels even.
Just give me something to watch. It was kind of nice when the Ocho came back there.
Yes, that was good, yeah. What about the idea of having major golf tournaments but just having drone cameras behind you guys? Do you think that you could actually play a full tournament keeping six feet away from everybody? You were talking about this the other week, weren't you? Yeah, I think it could work.
I mean, I think, yeah, it could work. Yeah.
No fans. I mean, you could literally do it down here in Jupiter where 20 guys are here.
Just go play and just drone camera guy, whatever. And you can make it work.
We need to, we need something. We just need something.
You, you actually, you're in on our, I don't know if we've ever ever said this but Brooks is 100% in on our handball team so oh yeah and and you would I actually think you would be just as good as anyone else like we're you know we're talking to quarterbacks the NFL but you played baseball you are obviously an unbelievable athlete and it would kind of fuck with the handball community even more if we're like, oh yeah, that golfer, he'll dominate your ass too. Yeah.
It's funny. I remember the first time I ever watched handball, I had no idea what I was watching.
I was in Sweden watching it and I, that was honestly my first thought. I was like, well, how hard can this sport be? And I mean Jay was pretty right.
I think – I mean, Americans throw the ball.

I mean, we've got to have a good team. Right.

I don't know what our team looks like.

That's what we do.

Right.

We were born throwing the ball.

I don't know what our team looks like,

but I feel like team – pardon my take would be pretty solid.

Yeah, absolutely.

Like over –

Blake, Jay.

Yeah.

Who else is on it?

Josh Allen.

Danny Woodhead.

Danny Woodhead.

All the Blakes. All the Blakes.
Tim Howard's their goalkeeper. Yeah, it's going to be sick.
Yeah. Who else is on it? Josh Allen.
Danny Woodhead. Danny Woodhead.
All the Blakes. All the Blakes.
Tim Howard's their goalkeeper. Yeah, it's going to be sick.
Yeah. I mean, yeah, I don't see.
Yeah. And then we throw you in there.
I see it's going undefeated. Yeah, and then we throw you in there, and they're going to be like, wait, a golfer? Like, yeah, we'll kick your ass with a golfer, too.
I think you're probably the only golfer who could do it. Undefeated minimum.
Yeah. There's not a lot of guys on tour who I would feel safe being like, yeah, you got a spot on our team.
But I think you're definitely in that camp. Yeah.
No, I would agree with that. There's not many guys out there.
But, yeah, I mean, listen, I can be the towel guy on the side, cheering, pumping, but I can't wait to get in and just knock some. I had some guy from handball tweet me yesterday.
They're very active online. Yeah.
Yeah. You could be the enforcer you could actually be like like the fighter on our team wait what did he say to you he was saying something he was talking talking about how golf isn't going to start and that uh i just that i was being he was just being negative and uh i saw that he was a handball guy and i was like oh here we go we gotta set.
We've got to set this up. We've got to set this up.
Yeah, I'm reading it right now. It's actually a great exchange because Todd Lewis said, number three in the world, Brooks Koepka, on schedule news today.
I'm just excited. There's something to look forward to.
So much uncertainty and finally have to set dates and be able to look forward to something is the positive news I think golfers and fans are looking for. That's the most, like what you said there is what we all are thinking.

Just the scheduling of things makes us excited.

And then this guy, David Fink, says,

tentative dates or none of those events will happen this year.

Please tell me what is going to change between now and the summer.

There still won't be a vaccine, and the virus will have to spread

to 10 times what it is now.

Forget about golf and all sports in 2020.

And Brooks just replied, enough with the negativity, David. I like that you went full name.
Team Pardon My Take versus your best handball team. Let's go.
I mean, it's simple. It's very simple.
It really is. I like your attitude was like when I first saw this game, I was like, oh, that's going to be so easy to play.
And then I learned more about it and watched more, and I was like, yeah, this is definitely going to be easy to play. I mean, literally, I don't even know how many guys actually play.
Do we even know this? Who cares? In the world? Yeah, who cares? Probably like 40. Yeah.
Yeah. We're still taking that gold medal.
Yeah. Yeah.
They're all like, we had a handball guy in here earlier. They're all like subsidiaries of soccer teams.
right i mean we've got football guys basketball guys i mean handball guys yeah i mean it's the it's the dream team honestly is what it is yeah yeah the handball dream team the handball dream team is going to dominate everything so all right so so golf is tentatively going to be back in mid-june are you Do you think it's going to be weird without fans in attendance,

or do you not even worry about it?

Like, it will be weird without a bunch of people yelling Blake to you.

Oh, my God.

Okay, let me first start off this whole thing by saying I knew the Blake effect was real, but I literally can't take four steps without hearing at least 50 Blake's. I mean, it's unbelievable.
I feel bad. Sometimes I watch like people send videos to us and they're like yelling at you.
It's like the turn at Augusta and someone's yelling, let's go Blake. And you're so laser focused that you don't look up.
And I'm like, I know he hears it. I wonder if he secretly like hates us.
Oh no. I just laugh all the time.
My caddy, he laughs about it, but I will say that I feel like the golf community is very not connected with part of my take is every golfer. I think I've played with her.
Like, what did they talk? Why do they keep calling you Blake? What's Blake of the year? And then I have to go and explain to them exactly what it is. I'm like, listen, there's three Blakes.

I'm technically not one.

Got me into your phone, simple as.

But it's actually hilarious.

But yeah, the Blake effect is definitely real.

Has that happened with Tiger?

Oh.

Has Tiger asked?

I don't know if he's asked. I can't remember.
But I think we have to get to a major. So I feel like that's when he'd be like really what's – I think he has asked it before.
What's his Blake of the year stuff? Why does everybody keep calling you Blake? So funny. So what is going to happen though? There's this guy Big Cat and PST.
They came up and they just named me Blake. That's such a great conversation to have to have with someone on the course.
So what is going to happen, though, without fans? Will you notice it at all, or is it going to be just kind of business as usual? Yeah, it's going to be weird. I think we live off the fans.
And plus, every once in a while, we just hit some foul balls, and the fans kind of help you find it.

It's true.

I mean, guys are going to lose balls because of that.

I mean, the energy that the fans bring is so – that's what we all live for.

We all strive for.

It's going to be so weird.

I mean, that's what you want to play, coming down the stretch

and have everybody, like, cheering for you.

And then imagine this, like, you sink the putt on the last hole and no one's clapping. Yeah.
You're just there by yourself and you're like, yes, you and your caddy and just silent. Oh, it's just nothing but awkward golf high fives just all around the green? Those get lost a lot, I feel like, because if two white guys miss an easy high five on each other but the crowd's going nuts behind it, you don't pay as much attention to it.
But if there's absolutely no sound whatsoever, it's going to magnify that moment a little bit. And then you're going to take the ball out of the cup and throw it into the stands and just going to hit a tree.
Yeah, yeah. Who are you going to throw the ball to? Also, I feel like you should just throw it as hard as you can, just off into the distance.
Like Trevor Bauer? Yeah, or like Josh Allen throwing it out of the stadium. Yeah.
What about all the guys that, like, they find Tiger Woods balls when they go out of bounds and they throw them back towards the fairway? That's true. That is very true.
We should, you should tell us, you should pay us to, like, dress in camo and just go to every event and we'll just kick your ball out. Because they probably won't have TV coverage as well as normal events.
We'll just start being bruised. Well, they've got to have reporters.
You guys have got to be able to get a reporter's pass or something, right? No? That would be sick. We'll clap.
We'll clap for you. We just wear polo shirts that say either security or PGA rules official on them, and then you wear your tactical glasses so you look like a security guard yep and we'll just go around kicking your balls imagine if we were reporters and we just followed you and just cheered after every shot the only ones yeah my own personal reporters you're like you're like lebron with uh with a shop but your shop just travels with you on the course wait you should actually get your caddy to to bring like a boom box like Caddyshack and pipe in crowd noise after every big shot.
Ooh, that's a solid idea. I feel like you could do that with like the bag.
Yes, you can get you. Get like the Caddyshack bag? Yeah, get you pumped up.
Like get you going. That would be badass, actually.
Well, at the same time, do you think it's going to favor some players to not have a gallery there, like guys that might not be as clutch normally? I don't know. I still think it's going to be weird.
I think it's going to be awful without fans. I really do.
Like, how weird is it going to be watching on the TV? Yeah, it is. But it's like the one sport that I feel like can survive it.
You know what I mean? Like, of all the sports, like football will be very bizarre to watch without fans but golf at least the fans are quiet when you're shooting so it's a little bit different yeah yeah i think i think i don't know as a player it's going to be super weird but i guess watching on tv it wouldn't be that much different right i just i don't know i don't know man it's i guess it's the one sport that can really come back kind of a little bit earlier than every other sport because we are outdoors. That is the good thing, and we really don't have to – it's not like we're all touching a ball, touching the same clubs, you're your own, stuff like that.
I mean, you really don't have to touch anybody while you're out there, so we might be – who knows? Hopefully we come back soon, man. Yeah, I need it.
I need it. Were you a little bit upset that you didn't get asked to participate in the whole Tiger Woods and Tom Brady against Phil Mickelson and Peyton Manning thing? I never really thought about it, but yeah, I think it was like, did you watch the first one? I didn't watch it.
I did, yeah. But I heard about it.
And there's just not enough like trash talking. Mm-hmm.
Agreed. Like, I feel like we need more gamesmanship and shit talking and guys ribbing each other.
Everybody's just a little bit afraid to do it. I agree.
So it could be Brooks Koepka and Bill Murray against John Daly and also Bill Murray. He plays on both teams.
I love John Daly. JD is my my guy.
Yeah. He's the best.
He's the best dude. He's ridiculous.
All right. I got one last question.
The Ryder cup. Have they announced the team? Are you on it? I assume you are.
Uh, yeah, I think I'm like, yeah, I think I, yeah, I should be. If all goes.
Yeah. Yeah.
I should be on it. I think you were about to say you were a cap.
I mean, if you're going to anoint me, Captain, yeah. That could have gone, that answer could have gone anywhere.
So, remember when you guys got the shit kicked out of you in France? That was embarrassing. Yeah, I do remember that.
That's it. That's all I got.
No, that's, that's, I'm a big, you guys got the shit kicked out of you. And then when you win in 2020 in wisconsin i'll be like yes we won yes we won on american soil yes i'm a we guy when things are going well and i'm a you guy when things aren't oh absolutely yeah absolutely that's the way the fans gotta go um all right well the only way to be yeah brooks thank you we appreciate it hopefully you're back soon uh well hopefully we'll see you in new york right the US Open.
Well, the only way to be. Yeah.
Brooks, thank you. We appreciate it.
Hopefully you're back soon.

Well, hopefully we'll see you in New York, right?

The U.S. Open.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll have to stop in the studio if we're going in.

We have a bench press.

We have a bench press now.

I know that.

And I can't wait to outbench you guys.

How much are you benching right now?

I don't know.

I don't have any gym equipment in my house.

So it's, I don't know. I've got like 15 pound dumbbells as equipment in my house.
So it's – I don't know.

I've got, like, 15-pound dumbbells as much as I've got right now.

That's not going to cut it.

No.

I'm going to out-bench you when you come here.

Imagine if you got hurt.

Imagine if you got hurt right before the U.S. Open because you benched.

You tried to bench more than us.

Literally.

I'm going to be looking like Metcalf when I come back.

Yo.

All right, Brooks. Thanks so much, man.
Stay safe. We'll talk to you soon.
All right, boys. Have a good one.
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Okay, let's get to some segments before we do our Mount Flushmore and Billy football. We have first up a sorry not sorry for Mike Gundy.
So Mike Gundy had some comments last week about how they need to get the boys back in town. They need to get the money running through Oklahoma.
And then PFT, do you have the quote from Mike Gundy saying, oh, he also, I think, what else did he do? Did he also call it the Chinese virus? Well, yeah, he probably did. But Gundy, the upshot of his comment was, I'm sorry if you were offended by what I said.
It was not my intention to make you offended. So that I mean, that's a classic football coach answer.
And to be honest, I don't know who expected anything better or who expected Mike Gundy to have like a very reasonable take on everything. I don't know what football coaches you would go to and be like, hey, excuse me, Mike Leach, can you give us your opinion on the coronavirus and how it's going to affect the financial situation in Mississippi? So, yeah, Gundy basically, nothing really surprising, just said, I didn't mean to offend anybody.
Sorry if you were offended. I can't stress this enough.
The very last people that you want to comment on coronavirus are college football coaches. They cannot at any point understand what's going on to the level like to more than we need to just get our boys back because I got a five-star recruit that hasn't had to look at the playbook yet.
Like that's all they're thinking about. So if you want a quote that will not look good, just go ask any college football coach in America and they will give you a quote that will not look good yeah i i for one was expecting a more measured response from the guy who lives in stillwater oklahoma a nuance nothing all day except think about whether or not he could get away with murdering lincoln riley that's the guy i wanted to go to to get my take on unintended offense by the way that's just just – that's simply a side effect of playing against nothing but Big 12 defenses.

Yes, and I'm wondering when we'll get the story that Mike Gundy

has actually been going out and getting his mullet cut every single week

and breaking shelter in place that way

because you know he's keeping that thing fresh.

I feel like he's the guy that just has his wife do it.

Like Miss Sally takes care of the mullet every Thursday night, once a week, same time while he's grinding film. All right.
Next up, we have Sabermetrics. PFT, you had this.
Yeah. So Todd Gurley, your newest Atlanta Falcon, he wanted to wear number 21.
Deion Sanders told him that he shouldn't wear number 21, but then he said, psych. And you could tell he was joking because he didn't end that tweet with hashtag truth.
That's when you can tell that Deion's telling the truth is when he does that. So he said he was just joking around about it, and Todd Gurley can go ahead and he can wear 21.
And they asked him, like, well, why are you going to give up your number so easily, Deion? He goes, a number didn't make prime. Prime made the number.
So the number so that's your saber metrics for the week even though prime is 21 is not a prime number not oh wow okay nerd how do you know that you've been reading a book yeah what are prime numbers again they aren't divisible but they're only divisible by themselves by themselves and one i think so like three and seven yeah i'm pretty sure that's it how's your math class seven eleven eleven thirteen thirteen seventeen nineteen twenty three three twenty three yep yep yep no that one we're cooking we're cooking 29? 29. Oh, none of them were even numbers.
Mm-hmm.

Because... 3.
3. 23.
Yep. Yep.
Yep. Now that one.
We're cooking. We're cooking.
29. 29.
Oh, none of them are even numbers. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, because you can divide by two. Right.
Except two is a prime number. Keep going.
Is two a prime number? Yep. Two can be divided by two.
Two is the only even number that's a prime number. Yep.
Two divided by two, though. Yeah, but a prime is, you can divide it by yours, only by yourself and another, and one.
All right. I'm sick of this magic.
This, this wizardry stuff. Yeah.
Two is a prime number. Damn.
He should have been two. So 21, Todd Gurley is going to wear also.
Todd Gurley got pissed off. Cause I guess his checks late from the Rams.
Oh, that's like Matthews too. Damn.

Oh,

really?

That was math.

That was Matthews.

Matthews, like quote tweet and was like,

me too.

What did he hashtag it?

Rams having some finance.

I don't think he actually said the words me too.

All right.

Let's do our Mount flush more Mount flush more appetizers.

I'll start with saying this one's Flushmore of appetizers. Uh,

I'll start with saying this one's hard because I love appetizers and it's hard to find bad ones.

Like it really is.

And I also want just before we start,

Hank,

you're going to go first,

but we're,

I assume we're talking not only like sit down restaurant,

but also like going to a wedding,

like pass around appetizers.

And yeah, this is hard. This is very hard, but Hankank you want to start uh sure calamari whoa whoa that's an awful first choice hank calamar what was that what did you just do choice hank what is the worst appetizers right oh my god yeah calamari is trash everyone always orders it i'm always at tables where they just like oh we'll just get calamari assuming i want calamari and i'm just like no like calamari stinks you know how can you hit it it's like it's just like a fried ring of taste it's another it's it falls under the category of if you don't have sauce it's disgusting so like why even eat it do you know there's like a big uh racket for for fake calamari that is just like pig's anus that they just fry and they serve it as regular calamari there's like a whole fucking thing right yeah that sounds about right pretty fast in season yeah it sounds pretty good actually all right pft your first pick it's also weird that there are two types of calamari what do you mean right there's like the there's like the tentacle part and then there's the ring part i like i personally like the ring parts better um my first choice damn this is this is a very very difficult one yeah i'm going to go with uh any sort of beet skewer okay if you do like a grilled glazed beet on a kebab uh or beet salad anything with beets in it okay that's a good pick um i still can't believe hank did calamari i'll do uh my number one is and this will probably get contentious but i i think deviled eggs are gross to eat like an appetizer form like if you're out and you eat eat a deviled egg, it's like, okay, have cool egg breath for the rest of the fucking night, dude.
And then I hate, I hate the pinwheel sandwiches. I think it's bullshit.
I hate those. They're always like soggy and kind of gross.
And like, you know what I'm talking about, Hank? The wraps that they then cut up and they place on their side so it's like little turkey and cheese in the in the wrap disgusting yeah that's like a that's like a conference like what you have at like a conference lunch right that's never good that's a that's a great if you see a pinwheel sandwich you that's a great way to know that they just cheaped out on the entire appetizer yeah that's like corporate that's the corporate special right right that's the we don't give a fuck about you eat this little gruel and get back to work yep that's uh number one on the most like soggy tomatoes that you have to just tomato slime everywhere i actually think that when they make a pinwheel sandwich they only use soggy ingredients because it makes no sense that i've ever had a fresh i've never had a fresh pinwheel sandwich I would have thought you would have gone with sliders big cat I love sliders I love you do yeah you watch me live stream yeah dude that was so funny last night when they when I when I showed it to everyone and there was like one slider that was at 45 and everyone's like you're cheating and you didn't realize you couldn't you weren't looking at the computer sliders for like an hour. Whatever.
Again, I'm just getting bullied on Twitch. There's nothing more to it.
Okay. My next pick is going to be French onion dip.
Don't like French onion dip. I can eat any other dip.
I can eat any other dip in the world. I love dips.
French onion dip just doesn't do it for me. All it does is remind me of what a better dip I could be having should taste like.

You know, I dip into it. I'm like, I wish this was ranch or I wish this was hummus.
I love French onion dip. What about French onion soup, soup guy? French onion soup is very low on my power rankings for soup.
I would say like bottom 20% of soups.

Okay.

Bottom 20%.

Hank, you have two.

Okay.

God knows what you're going to pick if you pick calamari number one.

Okay.

Well, here we go.

Fried pickles.

What?

Come on, Hank.

You're doing my favorites.

Are you going to do pigs in a blanket next? No, I do shrimp cocktail next oh my god you're so bad at this this is literally what i would order yes this is sounds like like oh we'll start with some calamari do a little shrimp cocktail i mean i guess it's probably because i'm with you guys and it's like big cat orders appetizers for the table and half the'm just like, I wouldn't have ordered any of these. Right, because you have the palate of a four-year-old.
No, pickles are gross. Shrimp is gross.
You can't eat hot sauce. You don't like any seafood.
Maria's screaming at me from the other room that I'm having terrible takes. There are bad takes.
They're horrible. Wait, Hank, what would be number one on your mount rushmore of appetizers my probably right yeah mozzarella sticks pigs in a blanket nachos okay you should just have hank order off the kids menu yeah all right pft your next pick no that's not a kids menu thing it's just a taste i have good taste and shrimp fried pickles are not part of it well do you like do you discriminate between fried it's the same thing calamari and fried pickles are the same thing calamari and pickles are the same thing you would never order them if they weren't fried uh wait you would you would order just get some pickles for for an appetizer no i've eaten pickles before yeah pickles are delicious i probably wouldn't order them as an appetizer, but I eat pickles as a appetizer? No.
I've eaten pickles before. Yeah.
Pickles are delicious.

Go to a deli, dude?

I probably wouldn't order them as an appetizer,

but I eat pickles as a snack all the time.

Right, but this is appetizers we're talking about here.

You guys are getting confused with things you like to eat,

but we're talking strictly appetizers.

So you would order just a stick of mozzarella?

You'd order string cheese?

I love mozzarella cheese.

Absolutely.

You just order string cheese as an appetizer.

Yeah, there's other ways to get mozzarella, too. Yeah, but I'm saying that's what it is.
It order string cheese as an appetizer. Yeah, there's other ways to get mozzarella too.

Yeah, but I'm saying that's what it is.

It's string cheese fried.

Yeah, I love string cheese.

I eat it all the time.

Okay.

PFT, your pick.

My next one is going to be salsa with pita.

When they give you pita chips for the salsa,

get the hell out of there.

They try to get too fancy with it sometimes, and they these like these fried pita chips instead of tortilla chips that's a i don't think i've ever seen that in my life yeah terrible terrible it'll ruin an entire app even if i like the dip if it's on a pita chip no thank you all right i'll uh go with uh stuffed mushrooms stuffed mushrooms every time i see a stuffed mushroom it's kind of the similar as like the pinwheel where it's like, it just doesn't hold up and it passes by and you're like, ooh, is that a meatball? Nope, it's a stuffed mushroom. Kind of a, just a total letdown.
And then anything that's just like the lettuce wedge where they do like a deconstructed salad, that fucking sucks too. When they pass that around, that drives me nuts where it's like, here is a lettuce wedge where they where they do like a deconstructed salad that fucking sucks too when they pass that around that that drives me nuts where it's like here is a lettuce wedge with a little jizz of caesar's salad dressing and one single crouton bullshit okay okay uh for my last one i'm gonna go with dressed up popcorn when they try to do like a chef's take on on popcorn I like that.
I like that. Where are you eating a spicy popcorn? Yeah.
Where they put like a little bit of a meeting at non fast food places, Hank, where they put like, yeah, they do the like chili dust and maybe like anytime they'd say like truffled popcorn or some bullshit like that. No, thanks.
Hank, my last one. Uh, I mean, I guess this is just going to be – I get roasted for my takes, but it sounds great in theory.
You love to talk about it, but whenever you order it, it's always a disappointment. The Bloomin' Onion.
Oh, my God. Hank, this is an all-time bad mountain.
I swear to God. I swear to God.
All-time bad mountain. Think about it.
Think about it. It never – why just order onion rings? Just order onion rings like the blue and onion sauce.
No, because you get to pick them apart and then you dip them. They become onion nachos.
It never picks apart the way you want them. Hank, it's the most American food in the entire world.
I know it's served at a Chilean restaurant, but it is one of the top three appetizers in the world in theory it is in practice it's not wow wow unbelievable mount rushmore from you i uh flushmore by the way the mount flushmore the you could it could be confused as a mount rushmore like yes if we did a mount rushmore of appetizers i think every single one of yours would have been picked yep not by me the the. The only one that I wanted to get to you guys.
My list was cheese fries because those are too soggy. Okay, Hank, I actually put down cheese fries as my Vinny Chase take afterwards where it's like I couldn't in good conscience put it on because I have had cheese fries that I like.
So what you actually think is what you've got to pan. No, can you listen to me? Can you listen to me? i've had good cheese fries and poutine is delicious but i think that the the the cheese fries are the most volatile appetizer out there in terms of the the floor the seat the floor is so low and the ceiling can be very high i also don't like loaded nachos what do you think about that that's also a volatile appetizer i agree with you there It all depends on how they're constructed.
If they do it by layers and they go first layer of fries, then the cheese and the bacon, then another layer of fries, cheese, bacon, then it's good. But all too often you run into a situation where you eat maybe seven or eight fries from the top and then there's no toppings left on the entire thing.
Then you overcompensate with a ranch dip after that point you've got soggy fries that are

just like making this little puddle of oil in the ranch sauce hank i'll give you i'll give you this if you did a mount rushmore most volatile appetizers cheese fries nachos calamari's on there for me for most volatile appetizers because there's definitely times when you have calamari that when it's bad calamari it's the most disgusting thing you've eaten it's pig's ass Thank you.

But I love calamari.

No, because when you have bad calamari, it's the most disgusting thing you've eaten. It's pig's ass.
Thank you. Okay.
But I love calamari. No, because when you have good calamari, it's one of the best.
But when do you have good calamari? Never. All the time.
All the time. Yeah.
Calamari, it's very rarely screwed up, but when it is, it's awful. I would say that meatballs can be very volatile too.
Meatballs too. Meatballs extremely.
If you get a dry meatball and it almost ruins the expectation for the rest of the meal. You have to order another drink too early.
It throws off the entire scheduling of your meal. Or the meatballs with like teriyaki sauce that just doesn't really fully fit together.
Those always are kind of disgusting. I agree.
Meatballs are another volatile appetizer. You know what really pisses me off? When they try to incorporate meatballs meatballs into a slider because you're dealing with a ball of meat it's not going to stay between those two buns there's a reason why you flatten that ball out and make it into a hamburger when you put it between bread don't try to it's a it is literally a square peg round hole situation what would your guys goat be for appetizers pigs in the blanket goat appetizer no not pigs in a blanket i like pigs in a blanket but i don't think i would say that's anywhere close to the goat i would say mozzarella sticks and nachos yeah nachos great queso great i think i'll put queso as my goat okay it's fair okay so that was our mountmore of appetizers.
Let's get to Billy football and our deep dive with Billy football. Before we do that though, PFT, you got one more at.
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I'm trying to preserve the handshake because Dr. Fauci is saying that we should never shake hands again.
And I'm defending the handshake. Okay.
Saving it. Online.
Yeah. All right.
So today's topic is cryptozoology. So the floor is yours, Billy.
So cryptozoology is a study of cryptids. It's a much debated science.
It's actually kind of like the bad boys of the science community because no one really respects them. But a lot of their work is pretty sick.
So we do a lot of deep dives on this. For the people who wanted prehistoric creatures, I also got a little bit of that going on too.
So it was a highly suggested, it was like cryptozoology and other weird stuff that I'm not going to say on the podcast. So we're going to start with the big one.
You all probably know Sasquatch, Bigfoot. Now, cryptozoologists, what do you guys know about Bigfoot? I know that he definitely exists.
Yeah, nothing. I know that meme when Bigfoot's walking in Central Park and then there's these kids looking at their phone and it's like

no wonder we have had no Bigfoot sightings in the last 20 years because everyone's got their face in their phone. Austin Pedroia's hot on his trail I know that.
And I know that he absolutely fucking hates it when kids mess with this beef jerky. So Bigfoot okay here all right so turns out there's a lot of evidence for bigfoot and not from just like pictures and videos but there's actually um a giant ape a prehistoric ape called gigantopithecus so gigantopithecus it was like actually like huge it was like like it would be about six six to like eight foot there's skeletons that are found um the scientists found like one of their molars in a like a herbal chinese medicine shop in uh like in china and they were selling these giant molars and they're like that's from a primate but that's way bigger than we've ever seen so like these guys were actually super intelligent and like would bury their dead like they were like these nine foot tall bipedal like primates but they're in there more closely related to like orangutans anything else so people think that they went across the siberian not the siberian the bearing land straight back when like there was the ice age and the water was a lot lower and came into North America.
And, um, like that's also how

humans got to North America. And then, um, like it's actually like super sick because like this

ape would be like, absolutely like the description of Bigfoot. But like, I think that they have

evolved from then because if they were burying their dead, that means that they have ways to

cover up their tracks. So if they like kept going on this, they could definitely figure out

Thank you. that they have evolved from then because if they were burying their dead, that means that they have ways to cover up their tracks.
So if they like kept going on this, they could definitely figure out ways to like totally avoid humans at all costs, like, like bear, like fricking secret tunnels and stuff, like under the woods. So I'm, and then there's this one dude called Francis.
Wait, Billy. I'm not questioning your science behind all this, but you're saying all this like it's fact.
I just want to make sure that this actually happened, like these things actually do exist, right? Gigantopithecus existed. It did.
I looked it up. It did.
It was doomed by its own size. Too big.
Literally too big to fail, but the opposite. Yeah, and they used to coexist with like like early humans human homo erectus and like turns out like they they were totally gentle giants like they weren't violent at all but like they were legit like the ultimate big fella they were so like giant and strong but all day was vegetation and they just didn't want to be bothered but like our ancestors just bothered them like all this sick prehistoric creatures i've realized were just totally messed up by humans like legit we became the perfect predator because we knew how to throw stuff oh like these are like the relatives of giants technically like if there was another path of human evolution like this would be there like you know lucy which is like homo i don't even know whoa careful billy let's um uh uh you threw him off with that one I just gave him the NCAA.

All right, so they come across across the land bridge on the bearing straight to north america and then they just get annoyed it is messing with sasquatch so all the all the like humanoid type human not humanoid but all the uh all the orangutans that went along the lines of evolving into humans started to fuck with Sasquatch too much, and then Sasquatch got, like, speared to death using our superior arm strength, and he was still trying to run the ball, and the evolution of human offense kind of took him out. He was stuck in a wing T.
The air attack was caused his end. Got wow but i think it was the quarterback showed up everything was fucked the west coast offense no but then uh uh but then so then there's these dudes and this is actually a picture you can like google deloitte's ape if you got time so this dude francois del, was down in South America.
He was like him and a bunch of his bros. I mean, him and his expedition went out into the middle of the Amazon or Venezuela, and there was 20 dudes at the start, but then there was only four left because they all got killed by natives.
And then they encountered these giant apes who also knew how to throw stuff well. And they shot one of them, and it actually looks like South American Bigfoot.
Okay. Only question.
The first hit I got was Deloitte's ape was a well-played anthropological fraud. That's the haters.
Okay. All right.
Cool. Say no more.
Billy, what about the fact that there are like all these giant apes across all these different cultures? Like if you go over to Asia, they have these legends about the Yeti, the abominable snowman. Is that like a distant cousin of these guys that came to America way back in the day? So i'm thinking gigantopithecus actually this is actually more likely because gigantopithecus's range was like southeast asia most asia and could easily like be in the himalayas and like the yeti could just be like a polar bear gigantopithecus you know i'm saying a polar bear mixed with a jet like like kind of how the growler bear, except this is with a human?

No, like polar bears to grizzlies, gigantopithecus bigfoot to, you know what I'm saying? Got it.

Also, do you think that with everybody being locked up, like this quarantine situation that we're in,

do you think these bizarre animals that might be scared and hiding out all the time because we've always been looking for them, do you think they'll start to get more brave and start to show themselves a little bit more? Or they're just like having a party in the woods and they're like, yo, they're all locked up. Or they did this.
Ooh, I like that. So New York City, sewer gators.
So back in like, people were all going to Florida, right? To like they all went to Florida they all bought little baby alligators they all brought them home they then saw that they were getting way too big or they got bored of them would flush them down the toilet they're all in the New York City sewers eating giant rats they're actually down there because it's super hot during the winter and it's super cool during the summer. And they just don't vibe with sunlight down there and eat giant rats.
Wait. So there are gators living in New York city in the sewers deep in the sewers confirmed.
Yeah, they found them who had one. They found a couple.
Okay. They used to keep them in their bathtubs.
Okay. Is that one not convincing you guys? No, that one.
I like it. Are these the gators that pop up through a toilet when someone's taking a shit? Yeah.
And they bite your ball sack? Yep. Don't like those.
Hard pass. That's crazy.
Okay. Let's go with chupacabras.
I like those guys. They're fuckedupacabra goat suckers first found in puerto rico they uh they were then seen all across southern america they're seen they have they live three they give three puncture wounds in large livestock they don't know if it's aliens a certain type of different canine creature but a lot of them look like mangy coyotes.
Okay, wait. So I'm starting to understand this.
So these scientists that are, what's it called? Cryptozoology? So do they get degrees in this and then they just study the shit that people all think is a fraud? They're basically, their entire expertise is studying myth science exactly yeah they're the opposite of myth busters they're the myth provers and and and are there like are they well like did any of them go to like real schools for this i just met them all on reddit okay makes sense makes sense what what okay i like that you got isarra is is lochness monster one of them okay so nessie so nessie they think is an ancient pleosaur and there's another one in lake champlain in vermont new york it's like borders both those states okay they actually disprove that one they think it's a bunch of seals in a um flock like all jumping out of the water. So it looks like a bunch of humps of a sea serpent going through the water.
You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. It's like when those spiders get together and all lock arms and make the giant thing that moves as one.
That's what the seals are doing. So wait, Nessie.
I've always wondered this about Nessie. How can it exist if it didn't have like a mom and a dad nessie well think about turtles right they live really long so like this also lives in the water and it's a reptile so it probably lives like super long interesting okay so it's so its parents died It could have died like 400 years ago.

And Nessie's just hitting its midlife crisis right now.

Or it could be asexual and reproduced by itself.

Ooh.

Didn't think about that.

Asexual reproduction.

It's common in the animal kingdom.

Really?

Yeah.

Is it more common in the cryptozoology kingdom?

I feel like they use that as like a trump card to explain everything.

Yeah.

And then... Is it more common in the cryptozoology kingdom? I feel like they use that as like a trump card to explain everything.

Yeah.

And then.

Wait, so they're incels.

Yeah.

Well, no, because they have sex themselves.

No, that's what I'm saying.

Cryptozoologists, they just made up a bunch of species to be like,

see, there are also animals that don't have sex. It's perfectly normal that I spend all my time looking for these imaginary things and posting about them on reddit instead of boning exactly because they relate yes okay anyway do you guys want to join my cult yes yeah okay so this is it's gonna be sick so i have been like eating a ton of healthy foods recently and i've like gotten out of shape because i can't really run like they like all the public parks and fields are closed so i can't really do any sprints or stuff that's not true billy i saw that people have been running marathons in their driveways it's a mental and physical test no so So the idea is we – so like is what our cult does it's called the berserker blood cult so we work out all week and like eat healthy and then on friday we donate blood platelets or blood and then we like just become blood making machines and then we donate and then we come back from the donation place with the money they give you.
And then you buy alcohol and you can buy less alcohol because your blood levels are lower. So your BAC gets higher.
So it's economical. It saves lives with berserker blood.
And then we're all going to get jacked and like shredded and it's gonna be sick. I'm all the way in.'m i'm obviously in on this i have a couple questions though so if we work out during the week and we eat healthily that makes our blood more valuable to donate is that true is there any science that backs that up honestly i think my idea of healthy is not you know it's more of like cryptozoology type? Right.
So I think it works because real science isn't really pulling through right now. Right.
You know what I'm saying? Yep. So chug a Red Bull before you go give blood so that when they get the blood, they get all like jazzed up and like cut waters.
They get the good blood. I like that.
And then we can eat unhealthy on the weekends. I'm thinking we're going to do ketosis again if you want to join.
Yeah. The Instagram, berserker blood cult.
It's going to be purely about saving lives, making blood, and getting jacked, but it's not going to be douchey, I swear. What about chicks? Are we going to get chicks in this? Dudes and dudettes.
Yeah. Okay.
Billy, we should do an intermittent fasting competition. Like how long can you fast? Well, what I do is from like, I skip breakfast and just drink Red Bull and milk.
And then at about 1 p.m. Crisis fuel.
Yeah. Crisis fuel.
But I've switched from chocolate milk to regular milk because all the chocolate milk is always out at the supermarket. So then at 1 p.m.
I go eat my first meal, and then I eat two more meals after that before I go to bed. Okay.
But what about – So you just described – Wait, wait, wait. I want to back up real quick.
It's what Billy just described. We're just eating breakfast kind of late, and then eating lunch, and then dinner.
Yes. But I wake up early, though.
So you do intermittent fast for a while.

But what do you think?

How long do you think you and I could go if we went heads up?

Who could go the longest just drinking?

All you can drink is black coffee and water.

In a day or just like?

No, how many days?

Can we go head to head for like two days?

Fasting?

Yeah.

Dude, you lose mass.

Yeah, I know. I'm trying to lose mass.

Okay, so this is what we do.

This is what we do. We're actually going to get

shredded. So what we're going to do

is we're going to go

back on ketosis.

No carbs,

no nothing, but you can only

eat preserved

non-perishable foods. Okay.
Like canned chicken? Yeah, you can only eat from canned, so you won't eat as much. It's disgusting ketosis.
Yeah. Yeah.
You force yourself into being healthy by removing anything that tastes good from your house. Yes.
Exactly. And you only just stock up on non-perishables because I've been eating them.
I sort of only bought non-perishables and I've been feeding myself them. And I want fresh food and I'm getting pretty tired of it.
It's killing my appetite. Yeah.
Okay. I mean, a microwave probably destroys the virus, right? Exactly.
So if you only microwave bullshit, that's good. What about, you mentioned the berserker blood right is there any health benefit to me giving my blood you know once or twice a week and then that way my body's creating new blood for myself all the time so so like you can only donate i've looked this up you only donate blood once every two weeks but you donate blood platelets once every two days.
And then... Yeah.

What about semen? Should we start giving away our semen? I'm not sure. I haven't looked that up yet.
I like the idea of donating my blood more frequently because it's like a car oil change, right? If I'm walking around with old blood, then I'm going to act sluggish. itish it's not gonna be as efficient but if i give a bunch of my blood the new blood's better well i want to start giving platelets because they can find the antibodies in there so like like your antibodies are fighting the virus in other people's bodies so you're like inside of other people fighting the virus i love it i like that spirit warrior yeah i'm like super strong Yeah.
If you want to fight the war on Corona, you're like inside of other people fighting the virus. Hmm.
I like that spirit warrior.

Yeah. I'm like super strong.

Yeah.

You want to fight the war on Corona.

You're just fighting other people's Corona wars.

It's like,

like mercenaries,

your antibodies are like mercenaries and other people's bodies.

Fuck.

Yes.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yes.

Now I'm pumped up.

If you want to be a fucking Corona virus warrior,

mercenary berserker,

blood cult member, just like follow the Instagrams, DM me pictures of you donating blood and what you're doing it's like get like i think you have to be in ketosis to go berserker because that's like all the vikings would eat was like meat and stuff like i don't know what else they ate but yeah i mean probably a shitload of Pussy. Yeah.
Good point. Cavemen were all in ketosis all the time, right?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Probably a shitload of pussy. Yeah.
Good point. Cavemen were all in ketosis all the time, right? Mm-hmm.
They did that. Paleo.
Yeah. Paleo for life.
All right, Billy, what do we have next week? Have you decided? Yo, I'm thinking, like, dinosaurs. I love it.
Love it. It lost the Twitter thing.
Like, got some sick dinosaurs in the back of my head that we can get going alice sicker than t-rex google it we should do you should learn every single dinosaur and we should try to do maybe you could give us a Mount Rushmore of dinosaurs oh you already got them perfect don't come in All right, well, Billy. Just one word of warning.

Don't come in here and tell me that Triceratops

did not exist. We'll boot you

out of the chat for that. Did T-Rex

ever meet a Triceratops?

Yeah, Jurassic Park.

Didn't see it.

All right, Billy.

Thank you so much.

Love you. Stay safe.
We'll see

everyone on Wednesday.

Everyone stay safe.

We'll have some draft stuff coming up.

Thank you so much. Love you.
Stay safe. We'll see everyone on Wednesday.
Have everyone stay safe.

We'll have some draft stuff coming up and we'll see you Wednesday.

Love you guys. Thank you.
I've become the way I love the king Lay on me Lay on me Lay on me Lay on me I've become the king So needless to say I'm on the Senate Thank you. Place the better to be safe inside.
Lake on me.

Lake on me.

Lake on me.

Lake me on.