Jim Gaffigan, Coaching Carousel + Don't F*ck With Cats Documentary Review

Speaker 1 Hey, pardon my take, listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
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Speaker 1 On today's part of my take, we have the very funny Jim Gaffigan in studio. He has a new movie out January 17th on Amazon Prime called Troop Zero.

Speaker 1 We also have some coaching carousel updates, hot seat, cool throne, and we're doing a review, a documentary review. I realize, PFT, the last documentary review we did was abducted in plain sight.

Speaker 1 So we really just only reviewed the most fucked up documentaries possible. Just crime documentaries.

Speaker 1 So we'll do that at the very end of the show. So if you have not watched it yet, you can save that part.
If you have, make sure you listen to it. It's the documentary review of Don't Fuck With Cats.

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Speaker 1 At participating, McDonald's. Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 Now in the street, there is violence.

Speaker 1 And I not

Speaker 1 solved work to be done.

Speaker 1 No place behind a low washing.

Speaker 1 And I can't blame all on the songs. Oh, no, we're gonna rock it down to Elite Trick Avenue.

Speaker 1 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're gonna rock it down to Elene Trix Avenue.

Speaker 1 Welcome to part of my take presented by the Cash App. Go download it right now.
You get $10 for free, $10 to the ASPCA. Today is Wednesday, January 8th, and we're on the coaching carousel.

Speaker 1 The Wikipedia for Joe Judge has been googled about 7 billion times today. Everyone has figured out who he is.
He's the new Giants head coach. So he's a special teams guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you have to compare him immediately to John Harvaugh and say, okay, this guy could work because not enough special team guys get opportunities, but he was also the wide receivers coach, too.

Speaker 1 So he was like a. How are the wide receivers for the Patriots? They're great this year.
They're really, really good. Very strong.
Okay, so Joe Judge goes to the Giants.

Speaker 2 He's also the special teams coordinator, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's. That's the first thing.
Like John Harbaugh, right? And also the wide receivers coach. Yes.

Speaker 1 So it was a fun day. I don't even know.

Speaker 1 The coaching carousel is always. It's fun for...

Speaker 1 If you're looking for the new coach, it's fun because it's that ray of

Speaker 1 light at at the end of the tunnel. Oh, if we get a new coach, everything will be fixed.
It's also actually fun for everyone else because no matter who gets hired, you can just bash them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, be like, Matt Ruhl, that's a terrible hire. It was also a big time Domino's falling

Speaker 1 today because it was like Matt Ruhl was going to go up to New York for his second interview after he interviewed with the Panthers. The Panthers wouldn't let him get on the plane.

Speaker 1 They kidnapped him in Charlotte and they said, you're not going anywhere. DeAndre Jordan.

Speaker 1 You're going to sign with us. Yeah.
So he signed with them. And then right afterwards, the Giants were like, fuck, we got to hire somebody, too.
Make it look quick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, make it look like this guy was our guy all along. So they got judge after not being able to hire.
And then after they got judge, guess who got on a plane up to New Jersey? Jason Garrett.

Speaker 1 Jason Garrett went up to the bottom. Princeton Grant.
Well, I should say

Speaker 1 the New York Giants contacted Jerry Jones for permission to interview Jason Garrett for their offensive coordinator job, which I guess Jerry, if I'm Jerry, I'm saying fuck no. No.

Speaker 1 You're not interviewing my fired head coach. He's my best friend.
Yeah, you're not getting my sloppy seconds. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you cannot interview my life partner, Jason Garrett. Shout out to Adam Schefter for carrying the water for the Giants.
That was an exceptional job by him.

Speaker 1 So Matt Rule gets hired by the Panthers, and all Giants fans naturally are freaking out because they're like, that was our number one pick. We wanted Matt Rule.

Speaker 1 Adam Schefter goes on to say, there has been this perception that Matt Ruhl was Giants' top candidate.

Speaker 1 More accurate is that he was amongst the top candidates from multiple conversations with people dating back days.

Speaker 1 There was as much interest in Josh McDaniels and Eric Bienemi and Joe Judge, even this AM. So great job by Adam Schefter.
He essentially swooped in.

Speaker 1 He did the best friend move, whereas, like, hey, man, like, you just went through a breakup. Can I tell you the truth?

Speaker 1 I kind of fucking hated her. Like, you know what? She wasn't even that hot.
I'm surprised he didn't put, like, all the best Dave Gettelman at the first time.

Speaker 1 Because he obviously very much copied and pasted that from the quote machine himself. Yeah, we didn't even want that guy.
Are you serious? Like, come on. Wait, who? What's his name again?

Speaker 1 Oh, you thought I was interested in her? The guy from Baylor. From Baylor? Baylor? Oh, you know about the history of Baylor? I don't know about Baylor.
The guy who spit on himself?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, no, thank you. By the way, so good job, Adam Schefter.
I don't know what Dave Gettelman texted you, and you were like, yep, got it on it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make sure that you look like you're getting your guy.

Speaker 1 I'm very excited to see how Matt Ruhl fits in on that sideline down in Carolina because, like, so you got Cam Newton, possibly the swaggiest, or he thinks he's a swaggy, the most fashioned forward quarterback in the NFL.

Speaker 1 And then Matt Ruhl, who wears a smock. And the two of them together are going to make quite the do actually.
You know what? Cam Newton calls himself Superman, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Matt Ruhl basically wears a cape backwards all the time, just like a giant bib over himself for

Speaker 1 spitting purposes. Yeah, the puffy vest one.
And we like to consider ourselves eyeball test guys to figure out, like, is this guy a football guy? Is this guy a head coach?

Speaker 1 Matt Ruhl, just looking at him, I would say no, but he's proven himself to be a pretty good coach. Yes.
turned around temple, turned around Baylor. He's like the turnaround machine.

Speaker 1 Right, so he's like, he's undercover almost. He's like an

Speaker 1 undercover football guy that you would not expect.

Speaker 1 Because if you look at him, just his appearance, if you see him on a sideline, you think, oh, that's the guy that wears the giant orange mittens that steps on the field to let you know when to cut to commercial break.

Speaker 1 Yeah, back. He has the guy with

Speaker 1 the big antenna and everything behind him. You know, the bull that's walking around behind him that's trying to get the reception.
I think that's my favorite job, by by the way, on it.

Speaker 1 And if I'll sideline, is the orange mitten guy. Let him go.
Yeah, so Matt Ruhl is a football guy.

Speaker 1 And I say that because we actually, funny enough, were supposed to have Matt Ruhl in studio a couple weeks ago, and it fell through, but we were texting with him, and I think he'll eventually come on.

Speaker 1 But we were at the point where we were like, set he was going to come in, and I did some research. Matt Ruhl, he used to at Temple throw coffee in his face to pump up his team.
Okay.

Speaker 1 That's a football guy move. And when he really is the turnaround machine, like he went from one and 11.

Speaker 1 And if you read all the stories, when he went to Temple, they had, when he went to Temple as an assistant, they had nothing.

Speaker 1 So he turned around Temple, and he, to get them tougher, he went and did like Bull in the Ring drills with his defensive lineman. I love it.
So he is a football guy.

Speaker 1 He went to Baylor, he turned it around. And if you are looking for positives, because obviously the negative is he spits on himself and he looks like an idiot in his smock.
Positives, positives.

Speaker 1 He looks as cool in a smock as you could look at. Well, we're going to be fair.
We're going to do the positive negative for each coaching hire.

Speaker 1 So positive, I actually would feel more comfortable getting a Matt Rule type than like an Urban Meyer or even a Nick Sabin who Nick Sabin a little bit, maybe less, but Matt Rule did more with less.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Temple is not really a football powerhouse. Baylor was obviously in kind of a disaster zone.

Speaker 1 So he wasn't beating guys with just going out and getting all the recruits and being a Clemson and

Speaker 1 an Alabama and a powerhouse. He was beating them, I would assume, with at least some X's and O's.
So I think that's a good hire. Yeah, and also the fact that he was able to recruit in Texas.
Yeah. So

Speaker 1 and by omission, now that Matt Rule is gone, does that make Texas more back? Since they don't have

Speaker 1 going after the same recruits now, but like being able to go into Texas and be at Baylor coming off what they were coming off of and be able to recruit and out coach a lot of those Big 12 guys. Yep.

Speaker 1 Yeah, i think he i think he's a very he's probably a very good hire but he spits on himself but he spits on himself but he looks like vincent d'Onofrio if you filled in his gaps of the DNA with Gary Coleman.

Speaker 1 Maybe a little sprinkle, a little Vince Vaughan on top. Just like a shrunken

Speaker 1 Vincent, if Vincent D'Anofrio played an Oompa Loompa. Yeah.
So Joe Judge, the next coaching hire that we will judge here, the Giants head coach.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 Negatives, everyone had to Wikipedia who Joe Judge was.

Speaker 1 And he is a special teams coach and a wide receiver coach where the wide receivers weren't very good. Positives, he was born out of Bill Belichick and Nick Sabin's brain.
True.

Speaker 1 So he basically coached under both those guys. Also, negative, he went to college at Mississippi State.
So probably not that talented. Yeah, big negative on that one.
So Joe Judge,

Speaker 1 if you look at the special teams, he basically just told Slater, go be awesome. Yeah.
Slater, go recover a bunch of fumbles luckily. Cool name.

Speaker 1 Oh, here's something positive. All of you Yankees Giants fans, you can just keep showing up to games with a gavel and the hair.
Yeah, and it's also great for New York Daily News headline writers.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Here comes the judge. Yes.
Judge, jury, and executioner. Yes.
There's all sorts of ways that you can go with it.

Speaker 1 Somebody pointed out to me today: if they draft the wide receiver from Alabama, you can say Judge Judy. Ooh, that's good.
And then you get Harbaugh rooting for your team.

Speaker 1 I went and looked back at the Ben McAdoo hire and the most hilarious suit of all time.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the Daily News headline was Taylor-Made, which is it's it's a once-in-a-lifetime chance for McAdoo who seems to be perfect fit for giants despite oversized suits he was wearing basically Kirk Heinrich's suit when he got drafted yeah he was wearing the hay clockwoods wedding suit that's true he was yeah combination of the two so yeah you know what stare down for that one

Speaker 1 we're also we've also omitted the biggest coaching hiring news of the day oh and that's uh the washington our words hired scott turner to be their offense coordinator oh they're gonna say mike mccarthy to the cowboys no mike did that mike mccarthy to the cowboys well also the North Turner or the Scott Turner thing.

Speaker 1 Scott Turner, yes, yes. From Carolina, reuniting with Ron Rivera.
But then I think it was like maybe eight hours.

Speaker 1 As we got off recording the show on Sunday night, Jerry Jones was in the process of having a sleepover

Speaker 1 with Mike McCarthy. And they said that he

Speaker 1 said he wouldn't let him leave his house. Nope.
It was Jerry, it's cold outside situation. McCarthy is like, you know, I got to go get on a flight.
And Jerry's like, boy, you ain't going anywhere.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're staying here. Yeah, yeah, cold as well.
This is the new coaching way though

Speaker 1 to get your coach you have to kidnap him matt rule was kidnapped by the panthers and now jerry jones kidnapped mike mccarthy it's a great hire for jerry jones because he basically just hired a fatter jason garrett like he he you think mike mccarthy's going to steal the show in dallas you think he's going to make the headlines you think mike mccarthy's going to give a a a press conference it's like look at that guy he is a dynamic speaker mike mccarthy he works to the rules so he works the hours that he's supposed to work and then he's not going to go like like talking out of school, giving quotes or extra interviews to any reporters.

Speaker 1 He's not going to get in the way of Jerry's storyline that he's got going.

Speaker 1 I do think that he's an upgraded physically and emotionally version of Jason Garrett to the point where he would resemble the guy that cucks Jason Garrett.

Speaker 1 Like Jason Garrett would build him a fuck shed in his own backyard for him and his wife is what I'm saying. Mike McCarthy is like a more alpha version.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 He doesn't wear a smock. He wears the poncho, the classic McCarthy, like just flat, no wrinkles.
It goes down to his his knees. It's going to look hilarious in that cowboy blue.

Speaker 1 And something to keep an eye out for is his face is asymmetrical. So his eyes seem to be getting closer and closer together as years go on.

Speaker 1 But he'll be like smiling with one side of his face and frowning with the other. So it's going to be him and Dak.
So he has to team up with Dak. I thought he did an okay job with Aaron Rodgers.

Speaker 1 In retrospect,

Speaker 1 you have to, like,

Speaker 1 no, this is me admitting that Aaron Rodgers is probably more of a personal issue.

Speaker 1 I thought he wants to be aware of that. If you asked any Packer fan, though, and

Speaker 1 let's just say that Aaron Rodgers is not going to win another Super Bowl. The fact that Mike McCarthy had Aaron Rodgers that type of talent and they only won one, he's an okay coach.

Speaker 1 But, I mean, the NFC championship loss to the Seahawks was inexcusable every single way.

Speaker 1 They've settled for field goals. He turtled.
Like, that meltdown was an all-time meltdown. I don't know if that's all on him.

Speaker 1 No, no. Do you not remember? That was a big time offdeal.
There was an on-side kick that bounced off.

Speaker 1 Way past all the field goals. There was a touchdown or two-point conversion that Russell Wilson threw 30 yards across the field.
Way past all the field goals. That's not on Mike McCarthy.

Speaker 1 It's not all on Mike McCarthy. It was a lot.
If you go back and you watch the end of the game, it's not all on Mike Martha.

Speaker 1 But that end of the game doesn't happen if you don't do what Mike McCarthy did all leading up to it. That's fair to say that.
He basically left the door open for all those crazy things to happen.

Speaker 1 So, and, you know,

Speaker 1 he just didn't, I don't think he won enough with aaron rodgers and however that ended he's an okay coach i don't know we were saying i think we were saying this on sunday like the nfl is probably three or four difference maker coaches then there's 20 guys who are all kind of interchangeable that's mike mccarthy and then four or five guys that will hurt like actively hurt your team i want to know what mike mccarthy said like what do you say on a sleepover with an owner What do you do talk about football with him the whole time?

Speaker 1 Does he talk about his computer folks, his eight guys that his like analyst team that he's planned out? Did you see that interview with him? Yeah, where he's like, I'm ready to run

Speaker 1 with SEAL team math. He had everyone come over to all the old coaches, came over to his house every day, and they just would practice like they were game planning.
It was very sad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so that's, I mean, that's what John Gruden did. John Gruden opened up a business called the Fired

Speaker 1 The Fired Football Coaches of America, and they just hung out in a strip mall and watched film all the time.

Speaker 1 Sounds pretty awesome. Sounds pretty awesome.

Speaker 1 I have a question for you, PFT. Remember the Rooney rule? Yes.
Does that still exist?

Speaker 1 uh in for which team for all of them well so they interviewed Marvin Lewis in Dallas they did yeah okay and he remember because he said that he was gonna bring in Hugh Day

Speaker 1 Marvin Lewis was making demands okay which is an interesting move for Marvin Lewis to be making what about Carolina Carolina

Speaker 1 I don't know who they've

Speaker 1 they might have interviewed Bienname right okay

Speaker 1 and then yeah

Speaker 1 So the Rooney rule, I think

Speaker 1 is good. I was just like, huh, that seems quick.

Speaker 1 The Rooney Rooney Rule is one of those weird things that it's like, it's good in theory, but it also leads to a lot of situations where people get brought in to interview for jobs that they're not going to get.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was the thought that just crossed my mind. I was like, oh, yeah, remember the Rooney Rule? This seems like, you know, all these coaches just happened very quickly.

Speaker 1 But, yeah, credit to everyone for finding a coach. Now we have, what, the Browns left? The Browns.
And I say that the Browns should just go. They get the pick of the letter.
Yeah, good for them.

Speaker 1 This was their strategy always. Waited everyone out.
Yeah, let them all fight. Let them all negotiate against themselves.
You got this, man. And so basically, they've got Josh McDaniels on their list.

Speaker 1 They should just not have a coach next year. They should just let Josh McDaniels run the whole thing.
They should go.

Speaker 1 They should go Lord of the Flies and just say, okay, there's no coach. You guys decide what to do.
You think you all know what to do? Odell player coach. Give it a chance.
Odell player coach.

Speaker 1 Miles Garrett will be like, what's his name from Lord of the Flies? Smashes Baker Mayfield over the head like Piggy. Yes, Piggy.
Piggy. Piggy, Piggy.
Which was, he was the fat kid.

Speaker 1 Yeah, The Beast is played by Swagger Jr. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, like that. Okay, so Browns, good luck.

Speaker 1 You can fuck this up still, but you literally have no competition left for a head coach. And I'm very.
There's no one else who can take it.

Speaker 1 I'm very excited because Josh McDaniels and Tom Brady Photoshops are going around like it's the highest. Oh, man.
Just feed me every single Tom Brady and Josh McDaniels Photoshop.

Speaker 1 Hank, you got any updated thoughts now that the dust has settled? Feeling okay? Feeling better, worse? Yeah, I feel great.

Speaker 1 On to next year. Rooting for the Titans still?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 Big Titans fan. Titan up.

Speaker 1 All right. There we go.

Speaker 1 You always have been a boys guy. Yeah.
For the boys. For the boys.
Hell yeah. For the boys.
All right. Let's do some hot seat cool throwing.
Why'd you start, Hank?

Speaker 2 My hot seat, not to get sad over here, but the boat.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 The current

Speaker 2 current

Speaker 2 Bodhi. Bodie.
Blake of the Year. Oh.

Speaker 1 Blake of the Year. Oh, okay.
Jesus Christ. I started talking about Aaron Rodgers.

Speaker 2 That was previous Bodhi, Blake Griffin. I mean, Blake Bortles, but Blake Griffin had season ending surgery today.

Speaker 1 So it's time to ask, is there a Blake of the Year curse? You've got Griffin, Bortles,

Speaker 1 and adulterated.

Speaker 1 That's what meant he moved to Winter. He went bald overnight.

Speaker 2 And went bald. Does this affect him going into this year's competition? Do you have to be an active athlete?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No, because

Speaker 1 Kepka's a golfer. He's not an athlete.
No, he'll be the first to tell you he's not.

Speaker 1 He's back from knee surgery, though. I actually think this improves his chances at winning Blake of the Year.
Yeah. Because, I mean, he's going to be sitting around on his couch.

Speaker 2 You won't have to pay anyone to hold his phone while he's working out. Correct.
He's just be chilling. Right.
My cool throne is Dwayne Wade's retirement tour.

Speaker 1 Ah, that's mine, too. So you guys,

Speaker 2 did you think Dwayne Wade was already retired, Peter?

Speaker 1 I did, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, Shams reported today that the Miami Heat will retire Dwayne Wade's number three jersey during a three-day ceremony.

Speaker 1 It's Coachella. Okay.
From Dwayne Wade's city. February 21st to February 23rd.

Speaker 1 Yeah. February 21st to 23rd, they're retiring Dwayne Wade's jersey.
All three nights.

Speaker 2 Is that kind of like, I cannot wrap my head around it.

Speaker 2 Like, do they, is it, like, are they going to leave the jersey like down for two days and then the the next day a little bit higher, and then the third day have it be up in the rafters? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like the arrow paradox. It will never get to the top of the rafters because they have to go halfway up, and the next day they'll cut that in half and go up.
They'll slowly get it up there.

Speaker 1 I mean, I think this is just, you know, you have to sell tickets, so they're selling tickets by doing a three-day. Now, they don't have three games.
How is this going to work? I don't know.

Speaker 1 It really is going to be a game.

Speaker 1 They do not have three games. So they're selling two different games.
Oh, it's just three days. So it's probably two games, three days, right? Oh, yeah.
So one of the days is going to be gameless.

Speaker 1 Right. Where people show up to the arena and just hang out.
And probably leave early because it's Miami. Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's an ass-eating booth. Ooh, I like that.
You just show up and get your ass eaten. What?

Speaker 1 Breaking loose.

Speaker 1 Breaking loose.

Speaker 2 I guess it's also a cool throne.

Speaker 1 That was a weak cow, by the way, Hank. You already stole my cool throne.
Step the cow up.

Speaker 2 We should have went first.

Speaker 1 All right, give me this one.

Speaker 2 This is from Tom Palisero. As Mike McCarthy works to build out his cowboy staff, another familiar name that's being targeted is Jim Tom Sula.

Speaker 1 Okay, well that's cool.

Speaker 2 Respected D-line coach would take over a talented group in Dallas.

Speaker 1 All right. The Cowboys did call Jeff Fisher.
Did they? Yes. To do what? Just say what's up.
Yeah, wrong number. No, they're like, hey, we got this guy, Jason Garrett.

Speaker 1 We don't know how to get a fucking dog. But dial.

Speaker 1 Can you come get Jason Garrett and bring him to Montana? That would actually. Yeah, if he was the transporter for fire to eight and eight coaches.
Yeah, yeah. All right.

Speaker 1 They've got a particular set of schools. PFT, what's your hot seat called?

Speaker 1 My hot seat is Max Kellerman because Stephen A. Smith is about to fuck him up six ways to Sunday.
Again? Stephen A.

Speaker 1 Smith just announced that he's going on a six-day, excuse me, seven-day apple cider vinegar cleanse. So Stephen A.

Speaker 1 Smith, if you thought he was spicy with his takes when he had a full belly and a good taste in his mouth, well, guess what?

Speaker 1 He's going to be on a first take just with a mouth tasting like all kinds of soy sauce. Oh, man.
And he's going to have an empty belly. He's going to be sweating.

Speaker 1 He's going to be losing a a lot of weight, probably. Yes.
What do the apple cider vinegar cleanses actually do for you? I think it just makes you hate your life and

Speaker 1 not want to live anymore and not eat. And then you're like, ooh, look at my tummy.
This is one of those things. It went from a size

Speaker 1 six to a size five. It's one of those things that the billionaires do when they get bored with their lives and they just want to make themselves feel uncomfortable for a little bit.

Speaker 1 So it sounds like that's what he's up to right now. So thoughts and prayers to Max Kellerman because you don't want to deal with an angry, like a hungry dog runs faster.
Yes. And Stephen A.

Speaker 1 Smith, if he's not bottom-feeding,

Speaker 1 he's not in those asses. He's going to get in an ass one way or another.
He's walk diving.

Speaker 1 The other hot seat is Aubrey Huff's penis. So Aubrey Huff

Speaker 1 tweeted out a joke about kidnapping Iranian women and flying them home and forcing them to have sex with him. Classic joke by Aubrey Huff.

Speaker 1 And then Pearlman, our friend, he was a guest, right? Jeff Perlman. Jeff Perlman, he wrote that USFL book.

Speaker 1 He tweeted out that when he was a reporter for Sports Illustrated, he saw Aubrey Huff in the locker room, and he had the smallest penis he's ever seen. And then said.
Is that slander?

Speaker 1 Or is he going to prove it? Well, he's got to prove it. Aubrey Huff needs to send out a dick pic to everyone on Twitter.
He doesn't need that. No, he will.
Trust me.

Speaker 1 Aubrey can be talked into sending a dick pic. And he also said that

Speaker 1 I was a Sports Illustrated writer in the Rays Clubhouse after the game interviewing players.

Speaker 1 And when you walk by, looking up at your name and thinking, Jesus Christ, that toothless yokel has a penis the size of half a pencil.

Speaker 1 So Perlman has been keeping a log.

Speaker 1 Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 1 I was going to get to that.

Speaker 1 I was going to get to that. Half a pencil is not that big.
So a pencil is what?

Speaker 1 Eight inches? Yeah. So four inches flaccid.
If four is small, we got problems. Four inches flaccid is not.
I mean, that's not that. We've got problems.

Speaker 1 But I think he's also talking about the girth, which is. Pencil.
Yeah, pencil. Pencil-size girth.
Okay. But it's weird that he kept a log of Aubrey Huff's hog for the last 15 years of his brain.

Speaker 1 You should talk to Kevin Millar. Kevin Millar is...
I'm going to wait for Kevin Millar to confirm the size of Aubrey Huff. He knows Aubrey Huff's encyclopedia of penises, MLB penises.

Speaker 1 And then my cool throne is the Drake curse. Oh, yeah.
Because,

Speaker 1 well, I guess we'll wait to find out. But Drake was seen rocking big truss gear and giving shout-outs to Lamar Jackson.
Oh, so you were about to just crown them on his 23rd birthday?

Speaker 1 You were about to just crown them championships. Well, no, to be honest with you, I had the Ravens on my hot seats,

Speaker 1 but then I realized I just did two hot seats. I think they can beat it.
Oh, okay, that's it. It would also make sense that Drake would be a supporter of the youngest MVP.

Speaker 1 Didn't he already beat it with the Raptors? Like, the Raptors won. The Drake curses.
Oh, there we go. So it's

Speaker 1 the Drake blessing. Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 Drake's an actual fan of the Raptors. It's the team that he fucking.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 Fair. So

Speaker 1 Lamar Jackson is his broski,

Speaker 1 but Drake's not a Ravens stan. Is that what I'm hearing? Right.
Okay, so

Speaker 1 I'm still a little bit shaky about that. I would not be comfortable if I were the Baltimore Ravens right now.
Okay, my hot seats is

Speaker 1 bowl season. We got one left.
Sad. That is sad.
One left. There's one left.
How are they still going? Oh, we had one last night, the Lending Tree Bowl. It was electric.

Speaker 1 The National Championship you talked about? Yeah, the National Championship is the last bowl left. Oh, yeah.
I mean, that's it. That's the big one, though.
That's the only one left. What's sad?

Speaker 1 Also, the Ravens. No, no,

Speaker 1 why? Bulls are boring. Shut up, Hank.

Speaker 1 Why? Shut up, Hank. Why? What's the point? Hank's fun.
His team loses in the playoffs. Fun having competition.
The guys get to practice for an extra three weeks. That helps your team next year.

Speaker 1 They get a gift bag with like a PlayStation portable in it. They get like a Best Buy $50 gift card.
Everyone gets flip-flops. You get earphone.
Everybody gets some sort of wireless headphones.

Speaker 1 And then you've got that one guy that runs the bowl that makes like $4 million a year for not doing anything and they have like the night before where like both both teams do like a who can eat more steak competition or they like bowl or like it's all great.

Speaker 1 You're a jerk. Hank is arneries.
Hank, did you not like when they were dumping the french fries on the coach that won the pitch? Yeah, what about the smoothie on Ken State's coach?

Speaker 2 That was amazing, but that's a gimmick.

Speaker 1 What? What do you mean it's a gimmick? What about all the CEO commercials that I've been tracking that are very funny when they have to put someone up there who's like a

Speaker 1 millionaire who has to speak to the people on a random Tuesday in December about how they're very happy they're watching this bowl game and it's all about the competition when Temple plays you know Tulane yeah no go out and buy a big boy mower yeah that was

Speaker 1 the gorilla big boy mower company do you think those CEOs even go to the game yeah that's not all that's the highlight of the year I don't think some of them

Speaker 1 if you're the CEO you have to go to that game because you get treated like a king

Speaker 1 I love bowl season bowl season is the best you just lose your brain just watching meaningless games that you love and you just root for, and there's football on at all times. I'm a jerk.

Speaker 1 I'm surprised that you're leaving out the FCS National Championship on Saturday between James and Debbie. It's not a bowl though.
It's not a bowl. It should be a bowl.

Speaker 1 Might as well be. Yeah, I mean, I'll watch it.
You don't think I'm going to watch it? I'm going to watch it. James, baby.

Speaker 1 I'll watch it. Roll Dukes.

Speaker 1 Fucking Duke.

Speaker 1 Duke Up. Yeah, that's what we're saying.
Duke down. Duke up.
No. Big Cat, no.
Duke up. Duke Cup.
Duke up, down, left, left, right.

Speaker 1 What is it? What was the two girls

Speaker 1 combat? I don't remember. All right, my cool throne is.
Well, Hank stole my cool throne. Fuck.

Speaker 1 Shit.

Speaker 1 Can I give you a cool throne? My cool throne is.

Speaker 1 Yes. My cool throne is PFT's Cool Throne.
Extra Cool Throne. Your Cool Throne is being generous with your Cool Thrones.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And what you were going to say was the Browns and Bengals fans are on your Cool Throne. Oh, because the weed.
Because the weed thing. You want to go ahead and see what's going on.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So the Browns. Your own thoughts? A Browns and Bengals fan applied for a medical marijuana card because they are, well, it's two separate people, I would assume, Browns and Bengals fans.

Speaker 1 So that is emotional trauma that they need to have a medical marijuana card. And I don't see any problem with that.

Speaker 1 No, the only issue I have with it, I find it hard to believe that there's any Browns fan out there that has been a Browns fan for the last 20 years that would wait for it to become legal to start smoking weed.

Speaker 1 You're kind of a nerd.

Speaker 1 It's more of a bad boy move to be able to smoke weed while it's still illegal.

Speaker 1 I also, like, if you're you're a Browns fan and you're looking for a medical marijuana card, be careful because you've been smoking some swag. You've been smoking the seeds at the bottom of the bag.

Speaker 1 This shit you're about to smoke, that's going to blow your mind. So just take it easy.
Yeah, the hydroponics grown from Lake Erie water. They've been smoking like some stale blunts in

Speaker 1 the moony lot or like smoking out of a watermelon. Now you're going to get the real shit with crystals.
Be careful. That's all I'm going to say.
It's a different drug. It is a much different drug.

Speaker 1 Also, I mean, I actually think it's cooler to go to a state where it's illegal and smoke there. Oh, you get the

Speaker 1 adrenaline of like, I could get arrested and thrown in jail for 20 minutes. I'm sure, like, Alabama and Mississippi will never legalize it.
So

Speaker 1 you can always have, there'll always be a state. It depends.
If their football coach, if Nick Sabin were to come out tomorrow and say, me and Miss Terry,

Speaker 1 we stop drinking wine and instead we're smoking Kush, I'm pretty sure Alabama's state Senate would be like, yeah. Could you imagine Nick Sabina? Still no dildos, but you can smoke weed.

Speaker 1 Could you imagine Nick Sabin like catching a case of the giggles really high? That would be incredible. I think he would pay everything for that.
He gets more focused.

Speaker 1 Him just not being able. Nick Sabin uncontrollably giggling.
You know what he does? That is the most foreign thought you could ever have.

Speaker 1 I'll bet Nick Sabin gets high and he pops on film of a recruit, and he just stares at him. It's just like glassy eyes.
Just no emotion. Just through the television.

Speaker 1 Yeah, absorbing it. All right.
Let's get to our interview. We have Jim Gaffigan, comedian.
You know him. He's a very famous comedian, very funny guy.

Speaker 1 Before we do that, Roman.

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Speaker 1 When you get choose a monthly plan, if you go to getroman.com/slash take, that's getroman.com slash take. Getroman.com/slash take.
Check it out. Okay, here he is, Jim Gaffigan.

Speaker 1 Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest, a very funny man. It is Jim Gaffigan.

Speaker 1 He has a new movie coming out january 17th it is called troop zero yes uh fantastic movie a ragtag group it's like bad news bears maybe mixed with i don't know some some kind of the hangover yeah but for little girls but for little girls right and you know this is the demographic of the show right 100 is people that you know but this is a feel-good movie it's going to be on amazon prime you know but it's got got a good cast.

Speaker 1 Fantastic story, great cast. So did you watch it? Yes, I did.
You did. Thank you very much.
The preview.

Speaker 1 That's good. But I got the story, and I like the story.

Speaker 1 I am going to watch the whole movie. I have Amazon Prime.
I have Amazon Prime, and I've seen many advertisements for it.

Speaker 1 What did you watch on Amazon Prime? What have I watched? I watched the Americans on Amazon Prime.

Speaker 1 Man in the High Castle is on Amazon.

Speaker 1 You watch it.

Speaker 1 You watch Man in the High Castle, and you wish that's what it was like. Did the Germans want it? That the Germans won.
You know, I'm a big, big anti-Hitler guy.

Speaker 1 You don't listen to the podcast, you would know that we are

Speaker 1 anti-Nazi. You boldly are against Nazis.

Speaker 1 You're one of the first podcasts

Speaker 1 to decry not to be. Listen, you boldly are awesome.
Name another sports podcast that has spoken out against disavowed from Nazis. You know what? That's what I appreciate the bravery.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You guys go out on. Someone's got to be first.
By the way, you'd also like our podcast because we're a 100% clean podcast. No swearing.
There's no cursing. No cursing on this podcast.

Speaker 1 Well, that's what Jesus would want. Yeah, there you go.
So you'd like that, right? I've actually wondered about that. Back in the day when Jesus was rolling around, were there different cuss words?

Speaker 1 I think there was. So he might have cussed, but it just might have been the evolution of language.
Like maybe love back then meant fuck.

Speaker 1 You know that in Montreal, the curse words are completely different. They're French.
Well, no, they're not just French.

Speaker 1 No, they are like their curse words are like

Speaker 1 Catholic things like oost or like tabernacle.

Speaker 1 Do I sound like I have a

Speaker 1 ton of an accent? I'm pretty impressed. I thought they're a hockey town and it might just be NBA.
That's weird. I'm so glad I'm wearing a diaper right now.

Speaker 1 So, Troop Zero, did you use, how much of your Colonel Sanders did you use in Troop Zero? Not that much of the Colonel Sanders. So,

Speaker 1 yeah, because there was like a dialect coach there. It was a Southern Georgia dialect.

Speaker 1 And I couldn't, I mean, we shot this, I don't know, last I don't know, last summer, so I don't remember any of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was going to say, when you shoot a movie and then it comes out, you're like, oh, I forgot. I don't remember.
I don't remember.

Speaker 1 I remember usually when you're done doing the press, then I remember the movie. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But initially, I'm like, I played a guy that looks like me.

Speaker 1 And then by the end, I'm like, oh, yeah, I remember it. I was looking for some interview prep for this.
I was looking, and I found a ranking of all the Colonel Sanders.

Speaker 1 You ranked number two all the time. I did.
Who was number one? Number one was Daryl Hammond. Oh, yeah.
Daryl Hammond was number one. You beat RoboCop, though.
RoboCop was Colonel Sanders for a minute.

Speaker 1 And you also beat Norm McDonald. Frank Calyendo was in there, right? Rob Lowe.
For a while. Rob Lowe was number 18, so he was the worst.
Was it Rebo? Really? Rebo? Reba Maxin. Reba Marron.

Speaker 1 Rebo Marron.

Speaker 1 Billy Zane, Rudy from Rudy. Ruby.
I don't know what's Rudy. Sean Aston.
Sean Aston.

Speaker 1 That's, you know, it's like when I was offered it, I mean, that's what people want to hear about. They want to hear about it.
I actually had to sell it. What was that check like?

Speaker 1 It was, you know, I donated all the money to my bank account.

Speaker 1 No, but that was,

Speaker 1 Norm had done it, and Daryl had done it. And I was like, all right, these are two great comedians.
That's good company.

Speaker 1 And I knew that it was eventually they're just going to keep, you know, they're going to have everyone do it.

Speaker 1 I did think the premise, I never saw the Reba one, but the premise of having Reba McIntyre do it is funny. Yes.
It is pretty funny. So I'm actually a Jim Gaffigan truther.
You're a truther.

Speaker 1 I have a conspiracy theory that I'd like to address with you at this moment.

Speaker 1 I don't think you actually played football at Georgetown because you say that you played football there, but that's the perfect crime to say that you played football at a school that

Speaker 1 and no longer really keeps records of those games games back. Like, I could say I was the starting center on the Hartford Whalers.
There's no way to check it. They're no longer a team.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but like they wouldn't, they wouldn't have

Speaker 1 is it co-ed that? The Hartford Whalers.

Speaker 1 But is it the perfect crime? Because it's not even

Speaker 1 racked.

Speaker 1 By the way, I'm not saying because I think like Joe McHale played like quarterback. Yes.

Speaker 1 And, you know, like there are good athletes. I'm not saying I was a good athlete.
It was Division III.

Speaker 1 There were at the time and now it's division one i think or 1a or whatever but at the time there were plenty of high school teams that could have beaten us we were not what position did you play i played uh

Speaker 1 center i was center when i quit i quit my junior year smart you played with jim schwartz i did jim schwartz all-time football guy yeah he's he is he loves football eats football and he was very intense then but you know you look at every coach

Speaker 1 and and you think, like, you know, but I mean, I love sports. Probably you guys love it more.
But, like, that's their whole world. Like, Belichick, he's like, oh, the season's over.

Speaker 1 What am I going to do? Yeah. Except for continue to think about football.
Right.

Speaker 1 We were actually joking the other day that Belichick probably has like a week in February that he sits down with the rule book and spends an entire week going through it. Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 1 Then the next week is, okay, cornerbacks and like all that. So do you still watch football? You like football? I do.
I went through some, I was very sick of it.

Speaker 1 You know, like you do the two a days in August, and you're like, What am I doing?

Speaker 1 But I go in and out. You know, I don't watch it.
I have also got five kids. I don't watch it as much as I'd like.
And of my five kids, one of them likes to watch it with me.

Speaker 1 So I went one for five sports fan. That's pretty low, right? Yeah, that is low.
That's low. What teams are you a fan of? I well, I grew up

Speaker 1 outside Chicago, but in Indiana. And then I

Speaker 1 kind of migrated to be a Colts fan. But I like a good NFL game.
Just a good one. Yeah.
Just singing. It's not the Jets.

Speaker 1 You know, I was into the Jets for a little bit. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But I love this time of year, the playoffs and everything. I want to know, what do you guys think?

Speaker 1 Where is Brady going to go? Or is this a topic you guys have beaten to death? No, we actually. Thanks to actually our expert.
He thinks that he's going to go to

Speaker 1 Los Angeles, right? Yeah. So he's staying with the Patriots.
I have a wrinkle. I know where he's going.

Speaker 1 This is like when Rob Lowe broke the news about Peyton Manning. Oh, really? Carl Sanders just break news? Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is, I think he's going to the Titans. Whoa.
Because of Rabel? Yeah. All right.
Interesting. Interesting.
They've got a running back. They've got a good team.

Speaker 1 They've got salary cap. Do I sound like I know what I'm talking about? Because I don't.
Well, I'm not doing my head. I have no idea what the track is going to be.

Speaker 1 By the way, I had a root canal an hour ago. You did? That shows you how tough I am.
Do they give you any pain medicine? Yeah, they did. You want to slide some over? It doesn't really work.

Speaker 1 It's like, like, I looked at the pain medication. It's like ibuprofen.
I'm like, dude, I can get that at the drugstore. Yes.
Wait, your root canal. Did you have a cavity and you ignored it?

Speaker 1 Because that's what happened to me. No, I think she told me that I had a cap on it because I'm 100 years old.
And that...

Speaker 1 It ended up getting something in there. So it was eventually it turned into a, it got infected.
Got it. Got it.
Because I'm a filthy beast. Yeah, you're playing hurt right now.
I'm playing hurt.

Speaker 1 Well, I was going to say, I mean, I didn't know if it was going to be a relatable moment. Like, oh, you too just, you know, like, oh, I need to go to the Net Disputes, but I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 1 But it sounds like you actually take care of yourself. Well, I also, I'm about to travel a lot, and I have all these shows in Canada and in the Maritimes.
And I don't want to, like,

Speaker 1 you know, be on stage doing an hour show with like a painful tooth. I'd rather do it now.
You've perfected the, like,

Speaker 1 don't take this the wrong way, the disheveled comedian look where it's kind of that cool look, like a Dave Vitelle. Like, they, you know, they come out of a comedy.

Speaker 1 Well, no one's cooler than Dave Vatelle. Yeah, but they come out of a nightclub.
They're basically nightclub to nightclub look.

Speaker 1 I don't know if that was something that you have to be a comedian to get it, or if maybe it's the dad thing. I think it's just being a slob.

Speaker 1 And by the way, I look around this room, and you guys are slobs. No, you're welcome here.
We clearly look at a lot of help. I'm looking in mud here.
Yeah. I mean, I look like shit right now.

Speaker 1 I make no effort to look for it. By the way, you guys are going to look worse as you get older.

Speaker 1 So enjoy the beauty you have. And by the way, you don't have any.
No. But as you get older.
How's that possible? Yeah. As you get older, really disgusting.
Men turn uglier and uglier.

Speaker 1 How old do you think we are? I don't know. You guys are probably, you're probably 32.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You're a hard 28. It's the beard.
It's the shit.

Speaker 1 That was nice. Hard 28 implies

Speaker 1 these guys,

Speaker 1 geez. I would say

Speaker 1 he was 22. He was an athlete for a little bit.
Oh, he was. Yes, he was.

Speaker 1 He's a rodeo clown. He's got a picture of Applebee's in Worcester.
He's the facts guy.

Speaker 1 He's not an athlete, but his dad's very wealthy. He's pointing to Jake right now, and he nailed that.
He nailed that. And then that guy, I can't see.

Speaker 1 Oh, so he maybe, I don't know, maybe played hockey. He looks like he's

Speaker 1 some kind of New England or Canadian. Okay, you were close.
You nailed this. We're both 34.
34. And how long have you been married?

Speaker 1 About four years. Four years now.
Well, actually, one year because you got married on the bottom. And the sunglasses indoor.
That's because you're like Jim McMahon.

Speaker 1 No, I'm dealing with a cornea issue. A cornea issue.

Speaker 2 You got that in your last fight?

Speaker 1 In your last fight,

Speaker 1 you got it hit in the cornea. I just smoke a lot of weed.

Speaker 1 Right in the cornea. He's got an eye issue.
I have an eye issue.

Speaker 1 And some of us can't afford fancy dental and eye insurance like you do since you're in the movies.

Speaker 1 I've always actually wondered how that works. Like since you are kind of like an independent contractor, that sort of thing.
Do you have to pay for your own health insurance?

Speaker 1 Well, I have health insurance through SAG and then through the Writers Guild. Okay.
You're double dipping. I'm double dipping.
I love that.

Speaker 1 Well, that's, you know, like sometimes you, if you, because I've also got kids, so I definitely, like, if you don't have kids, you don't care. You're like,

Speaker 1 what's going to happen? But you're all going to die.

Speaker 1 But so when you have kids, it's kind of important to have health insurance. That's true.

Speaker 1 So you really think we're going to get better looking or worse looking? Because I've always heard that people guys get better looking, right? I don't know. George Clooney? Well, you know, Brad Pitt.

Speaker 1 Those guys are flukes. That was like a mistake.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Many have said that we're the Brad Pitt and George Clooney podcasting. Yeah.
So, but I would say that most guys are disgusting, right? But it's just a known fact, right?

Speaker 1 Yes. And the really good-looking guys kind of look like women.
And that's the only way straight guys can tell if somebody's good-looking. Right.
Well, he kind of barely looks like a guy.

Speaker 1 I spend most of the time looking, right? Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 1 my looks have definitely fallen off a cliff, that's for sure. I need to switch to the black t-shirt.
That's another comedian thing.

Speaker 1 You show up to comedy school and they hand you the black t-shirt. Well, that's just also, it's, I go on stage and I don't want to be

Speaker 1 judged by my outfit. Like, I think if people try really hard in

Speaker 1 their outfit, I feel like that's antithetical to what a comedian should be.

Speaker 1 Have you ever thought about maybe doing like a heel turn and doing like an Andrew Dice Clay leather jacket thing? No, I can't pull off a leather jacket. Yeah.
I look silly.

Speaker 1 I look like Richie Cunningham doing that leather jacket. I have a real question.
Self-awareness. A real question.

Speaker 1 Everyone in the world is doing Netflix. You went against the grain and it worked out great for you.

Speaker 1 You basically said, I'm going to do my own thing and not use Netflix.

Speaker 1 What what made you decide that and like do you feel like maybe a trailblazer will look back and be like Jim Gafkin he was the guy well no I think it changes every five years but I do have five specials on Netflix so it was much easier to

Speaker 1 go to you know

Speaker 1 a different way you know I went to Amazon but like it's gonna change in five years like Disney hasn't even gotten into the specials game right so I don't know you know it's and I've been doing stand-up so long, you know, when it's, when I started, there wasn't YouTube.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? There wasn't satellite radio. And I honestly think people underestimate the,

Speaker 1 well, you guys probably know this better than anyone. It's like the power of audio streaming is huge.
It's like enormous, like whether it's Spotify or Pandora. It's like we get end-of-year numbers.

Speaker 1 It's insane. Yeah, it is.
It really is. I kind of have a serious question too.
So you're known, you know, you've been doing stand-up for a really long time.

Speaker 1 One of the big things that you do during your show is you almost do the voice of a heckler or the third person that's like observing your stand-up material who's criticizing you as you do stand-up.

Speaker 1 So it kind of takes the piss out of the audience a little bit because you're saying what maybe your harshest critic might be thinking at the same time.

Speaker 1 Have you found that you've had to adjust that at all, given that I feel like in today's day, they're like hecklers aren't as prevalent in comedy as they used to be?

Speaker 1 You know, it's weird because I think it's it's ever-changing and it depends on the room, you know, because like in the UK, they still heckle.

Speaker 1 But like, I would say that

Speaker 1 there's going to be a trend towards it, uh, back to it. You know, like the whole roasting

Speaker 1 trend has really kind of brought that out, too.

Speaker 1 And so it depends on the situation and the and the cringe guys and, you know,

Speaker 1 you know, these guys. It's a different, you know, it's always changing.
There's pockets of different, I get nervous around you guys. Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 it's ever, it's ever changing. So, like, the, the heckling could come back.
Just, you know, it's, it's not as much of an issue, but speaking for the audience is something that disarms them. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I started it because I'm a slow-talking Midwestern guy. And when I started in the early 90s, it was kind of like going on stage was, it was like combat.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 It was like people were, they didn't know how to behave they were just used to dice clay you know what i mean or rodney dangerfield where the audience was a willing participant and it's it's shifted but there are pockets where it's different you ever thought about doing like a gallagher thing smashing fruit on stage no no that'd be a nice little turn people would be people they miss getting hit in the face with watermelon seeds at comedy shows you know it's you know that probably in the next 20 years there will be like some movie where like tom hanks will play gallagher and it'll be like everyone will love me.

Speaker 1 He was a genius. It's like every, you know, the cycle in America is like, build them up, tear them down, then build them back up.
So, how have you avoided that?

Speaker 1 How have you avoided the tear them down? Because there's nothing sexy about me. There's nothing to say.
You're not like a

Speaker 1 big target. You're not a big target.
I'm just a big enough target. I'm just, are you saying I'm fat? No, I'm just saying I'm, you know, I'm just a substance guy.

Speaker 1 I just do, like, people that come to my show, they're not coming to hear about how i hung out with kanye or sing or seeing what i'm wearing they're just there for jokes right and to hear about the gospel of jesus

Speaker 1 and the hot pockets do you get mad that people is that like freebird for like when people yell

Speaker 1 hot pockets it's a strange thing so like when i do larger shows

Speaker 1 um i might do it as an encore you know but it's it's weird because like usually the unspoken rule in comedy is that you're going to show up with new, really good material.

Speaker 1 Like, if you just did the old material constantly, people would be like, I'm not going. I've already seen it.
Right. So, it's weird.
It's like a blessing and a curse. Right.

Speaker 1 You know, there's definitely times when people yell it, and I'm kind of like, I don't know how to respond. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You should walk around with a fanny pack of hot pockets, just throw them at people. It's just, you know, it's, it's weird what sticks.
It is funny.

Speaker 1 It is funny that, like, for a comedian to have a joke that's requested. Yeah.
Yeah. You don't hear about that too often.
Yes. Yeah.
It's weird.

Speaker 1 And you know, like I'm known as this food comic guy, but in the last two specials, I didn't really talk that much about food. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I did. It's going to take a while to catch up.
People are like, you're the food guy. And I'm like, all right, I haven't really done that lately, but I mean, I am a pig.

Speaker 1 On your Wikipedia, it like lists what you do. It's like observational comedy centered around food.
Food. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. No, how can you get rid of the food guy?

Speaker 1 The Gallagher wouldn't help get rid of the food. You should actually actually go on like a Gandhi-type hunger strike.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, and then they're skinny. Yeah, there's people that are like, you know, if you didn't do the food jokes, you wouldn't have any material.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, I don't think it's that simple, but that's the impression of everyone. That's how they sound.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that should be your new heckler voice. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do the food jokes. You know what you can do? You can have that be the voice that heckles the heckler voice because nobody heckles anymore.

Speaker 1 I tried to do that once. Oh, did you? I tried to do it.
But you you know, the

Speaker 1 mad voice or the,

Speaker 1 it's also kind of loose and it's it adds an improv element that people like.

Speaker 1 So, like, if I'm in Pittsburgh, like, I'm going to be in Pittsburgh this weekend, you know, there's certain things about Pittsburgh that you reference that people from Pittsburgh will appreciate. Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Like

Speaker 1 calling people Jagoffs. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jagoffs.

Speaker 1 Yins. Yeah, Yins.

Speaker 1 You know, defending Big Ben. You didn't even draw out some really bad things.

Speaker 1 You know, that kind of stuff. Cromante Brothers.

Speaker 1 Like Iron City Light. Stuffing, yeah, all other food inside of a sandwich and saying it's a good thing.
Pierogies, Polishelle. You know, these, all these

Speaker 1 things, rivers, rivers, big bridges. Willie Storgel.
Yeah. Roberto Clemente.
There it is. This is my whole act.
Franco Harris. We just did it, namely.
We actually the bus.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, go on stage and just say these things. You just name things and let them applaud for you.
Yeah. Great sound.
Great comedy to be. Catch up.

Speaker 1 Heinz 57. Heinz 57.
Heinz mustard. You know, like during the summer, you're like, oh, they got Heinz Mustard.
You know, like, yeah, it's not there specially, but you know what? All right.

Speaker 1 All right, so the film is out Amazon January 17th. Have you found that you've been a dad for a while, but are you making movies that your kids will like?

Speaker 1 That feel like everyone gets to that point of their career. You know, I was kind of, there's some animated movies.
That's how they sell the animated movies. They're like, your kids can watch.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 But then, you know, know, like, at a certain age, children will watch a movie over and over again.

Speaker 1 But, um, yeah, it's, I, like, I did Hotel Transylvania 3, and I brought my kids, and I was like, here you go.

Speaker 1 And they're like, hey, good movie. Like, they like the movie, and then they're like, what else are we going to do? So it's like...
Can we get popcorn? I would definitely

Speaker 1 want to do like a Star Wars thing, but otherwise, you know, I just want the best role in the best movie. Right.
You know what I I mean?

Speaker 1 How many scripts do you have come across your desk or your agent's desk on a game? Well, it's like it comes down to like what Zach Alam Fanakis has turned down.

Speaker 1 But there's what is John C. Riley turned down now.

Speaker 1 But it's, yeah, it ebbs and flows. Like last year, I had a lot of film opportunities.

Speaker 1 And, you know, some of it is, I'm so busy and I'm constantly touring during stand-up that, and I have five kids. So, you know, know you end up being kind of protective of your time.

Speaker 1 So the weirder the act

Speaker 1 or the character the more appealing so along those lines We're making a movie with Adam Sandler. Yeah.
It's called Boner Dogs. Boner Dogs.
And I was at, this just topped my head right now.

Speaker 1 You would be the perfect voice. It's animated.
Perfect voice for the boner. No, the flaccid.

Speaker 1 The flaccid dog. The flaccid dog penis.
Yeah, the flaccid kinky penis. And then when it becomes a boner, that's kind of like a Star Wars lightsaber penis.

Speaker 1 Is it an animated version of the Me Too movement?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, it's non-sexual. It just happens to be an erection.
Yeah. But yeah, you'd be a good boner.

Speaker 1 Boner also, I think, like in my parents' generation, that was like a mistake. Oh,

Speaker 1 man. You should have a boner.
Someone

Speaker 1 whoops, I made a boner.

Speaker 1 Would you look at that? The wind blew a little too strong, so

Speaker 1 if you accidentally look at Margot Robbie and Wolf of Wall Street, you have a boner. That's a classic.

Speaker 1 Excuse me for a second. I'm going to have to leave the room.
I have a boner. Now, I didn't see Once Upon a Time, and you guys seem like pigs.

Speaker 1 Once Upon a Time in America, is Margot Robbie amazing anyway? In Hollywood? In Hollywood. Yeah, whatever.
I think I've seen it.

Speaker 1 It's like 50% of the movie is Quentin Tarantino trying to show her feet without actually showing her feet. Really? Yeah, he's a big foot guy.
Are you a foot guy?

Speaker 2 And they showed her feet.

Speaker 1 I'm not a foot guy. No, I'm not either.
Yeah, I don't understand foot guys. I'm just an American.

Speaker 1 There was a scene scene where she was in a movie theater and she was really quiet. He is really quiet.
Like, they don't think I'm a foot guy. Hopefully, they don't think I'm a guy.

Speaker 2 For whatever reason, they showed her watching a movie, but she had to have her feet up above on the seat in front of her. I'll be honest.
She's watching a movie in a movie theater like this.

Speaker 1 You know, there's something.

Speaker 1 Isn't there a certain sense of relief with you're like, you know what? God bless the people that have a foot fetish, but I'm like, you know what? I dodged a bullet there. Yes.

Speaker 1 It could be worse.

Speaker 1 I could be one of those people. Like, you see the

Speaker 1 TLC channel just basically has, like, oh, I eat Kleenex. Yeah.
And okay, well, at least, you know, I have a lot of fucked up things, but I don't have that. Yeah.
I mean, you have an extra lot.

Speaker 1 Yes, I do.

Speaker 1 All right, my last question because I think you got another thing you got to go to. But everyone, go check out Troop Zero, Amazon Prime, January 17th.
And I'm also touring, so go to my website.

Speaker 1 Also, touring. Yeah.
Okay, so let's do that. Seek eat question, last question, promo code take.
You get $10 off. What, go use promo code take and go see Jim Gaffigan.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Favorite city to do comedy in that, like, maybe don't give us an obvious answer off the radar.

Speaker 1 I think people underestimate how

Speaker 1 great Seattle is.

Speaker 1 Okay. I think Seattle, I mean, Minneapolis, Seattle,

Speaker 1 you know, Portland, those are pretty exceptional cities. Yeah, the colder it gets outside.
You know, there's something about, and, you know, and also Canada in general is just great audiences. There's

Speaker 1 a

Speaker 1 culture of comedy there.

Speaker 1 I mean, obviously, there's a culture of comedy in America, but I think that Canada is like the perfect combination of the influence of America and the influence of England, where I think the Brits take it too seriously.

Speaker 1 They take comedy.

Speaker 1 Like every time I do a show in London, they're like, here's your review. And I'm like, is it funny?

Speaker 1 And they're like, well, I didn't censor through line. And you're like, it's just supposed to be funny.
Just laugh. If you laugh, I'm the food comedy guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, also, Minnesota is everyone's drunk in Minnesota and Canada. So, that's it's really easy to go someplace and laugh.
Great audience. Yeah.
Okay. Well, Jim Gaffigan, thank you so much.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Appreciate it. Hopefully, this wasn't too painful.
This is great. I don't know why I didn't have my pants off, but

Speaker 1 no, you look good. Better

Speaker 1 or worse than the Rukina. Oh, you got a boner.
Oh, classic guy.

Speaker 1 All right. I saw you in your sunglasses.
Yeah, you did.

Speaker 1 You are sure to impress your guests.

Speaker 1 My favorites like oven gold turkey or blazing buffalo-style chicken, paired with their classic Vermont cheddar or creamy monster cheese, are sure to score big and help me elevate my entertainment every time, whether it's for a tailgate or a home gating gating celebration.

Speaker 1 Seriously, guys, it's a game-changing flavor for every gathering. Boar's head, committed to craft since 1905.
All right, let's do some segments, and we're gonna do our don't fuck with cats review.

Speaker 1 Uh, this segment actually is gonna basically be a combo here with Bachelor talk for guys that don't watch The Bachelor, even though Hank watches The Bachelor because his girlfriend tweeted that he watched The Bachelor.

Speaker 1 Hank guys, he extremely watches The Bachelor. You are so watching The Bachelor.

Speaker 2 No, I tried. I probably watched because I had two TVs.
I was watching the Celtic scheme, so I watched the first like hour, hour and a half, and then I couldn't do it anymore. I went in the other room.

Speaker 2 So here are the bullet points, courtesy of Trent.

Speaker 1 You have another room in your apartment? In New York? Yeah. In this economy? Yeah.
Living room and bedroom. That's crazy.
Two rooms. Yeah.
Shit. Crazy shit.
I got to step my game up.

Speaker 2 So it was opening night.

Speaker 1 One wall just one small wall in between the two?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 So no bathroom then?

Speaker 2 One bathroom. Oh.
And like a half kitchen.

Speaker 1 A half a kitchen.

Speaker 2 Like you can't really have two people in it because it's basically like a small.

Speaker 1 But you don't cook. It's tight.

Speaker 2 I cook sometimes. I got a skillet for Christmas, so I've been cooking some, you know.

Speaker 1 What have you been cooking?

Speaker 2 Steak and cheese.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 The whole place up. So cooking steak and cheese like from scratch? In your half kitchen.
With a steak or ground belly. Okay.
Can you only cook? Wait, wait, wait. Let's dig in here.

Speaker 1 So it's ground beef. Yep.
Okay, so you're talking about a chopped cheese. Are you properly cleaning the skillet? Yeah.
Are you sure? I think so.

Speaker 1 Sounds like you're having some steak and cheese pancakes.

Speaker 2 No, it's separate. I'm telling you the things, the types of things I make.

Speaker 1 Have you made peace?

Speaker 2 I've made steak and cheese. I've made pancakes.
I've made bacon.

Speaker 2 And that's it.

Speaker 1 You shouldn't eat pork anymore because the FDA is not inspecting it. It also, milk is going down.
Milk's going bankrupt. Big milk.
I'm going to drink. Good.
Fuck milk. Chocolate milk.

Speaker 1 Chocolate milk's not. Regular milk is.

Speaker 1 That can't be true. No, it is.
Swear to God. Interesting.
Chocolate milk's on the up and up.

Speaker 2 Victoria F got out of the limo and told Pete, the pilot, that the only thing dry about her is her sense of humor. That was like the big takeaway.

Speaker 2 She was the big takeaway from me. Everyone gets out and does their little.

Speaker 1 She's sweaty.

Speaker 1 Take it as you may. Everything's sweaty.
Everything.

Speaker 2 And then Katrina got out of the limo and said, you're going to fall in love with my hairless pussy, dot, dot, dot, cat.

Speaker 1 Do you think it sucks to be Katrina through the whole hurricane?

Speaker 2 I was going to say a picture of her hairless pet cat.

Speaker 1 Like, all I think about is the hurricane. Yeah, so in about

Speaker 1 what, the hurricane hit in 2005, so that was 15 years. In about three or four years, there will be no contestants on reality shows name Katrina ever again.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like 20 years from now, you can start naming your kids Katrina again. But right now, it's tough.
You don't see any monikers on reality shows right now, and that's because of what happened.

Speaker 1 Adolfs. Yeah, no eight-offs.
They're probably never going to have a comeback. OJs.

Speaker 2 And then Hannah B, who I'm sure you remember from last season, she was the bachelor of the girl.

Speaker 1 Of course. Who could forget?

Speaker 1 The B stands for butthole.

Speaker 2 She showed up during a different group date and told a story about her and Pete, how they had sex four different times in a windmill. It was like super weird.

Speaker 1 It was just like. It was a fantasy sweet, right?

Speaker 2 It was Hannah. Yeah, it was Hannah telling all the golf about how they had sex in a windmill.
Right. Hannah then cried and said she made a mistake not picking Pete during her season.

Speaker 2 So it was like, are we watching the bachelor? Pete came back?

Speaker 1 Did you say that? Wait, was Pete won last year?

Speaker 2 Pete came in third.

Speaker 2 And Hannah came back and was like, I made a mistake. You should have came in first.

Speaker 1 Is she trying to be part of the team now?

Speaker 2 Pretty much because she now has to decide whether or not she wants to join the house with the rest of the woman. So it ended on a cliffhanger.

Speaker 1 Wait, she was the bachelorette last time. Yep.
Right. And now she's getting a chance to be on the bachelor.
She better hope that

Speaker 1 any golf sex was good. Yeah, the 19th.
I mean, it must have been good.

Speaker 2 She told the entire cast about it.

Speaker 1 Well, that doesn't necessarily mean it was good. Four times implies that probably the first two times were knocked out.
Actually, we should back up here. I mean, it's always good for the guy.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 1 But if you have sex four times in one night, chances are pretty good that

Speaker 1 the first time was awful and the next three times are just like, let me make it up. You're like, I'm a stallion.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 My main takeaways were that Pete is a pilot and there's a brutal amount of like plane puns.

Speaker 1 Like they did a group day to like

Speaker 2 a plane place.

Speaker 1 Boo. And there's...
Wait, an airport.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 One of those plane schools. No, it's flight school.
It's flight school.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 And my second takeaway, my prediction is there is a girl who is a four-time state championship basketball player player, and she goes to Auburn, and her dad is the coach of Auburn.

Speaker 1 Bruce Pearl?

Speaker 2 Women's basketball.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 My money's on her. Your money's on her.
My money's on her.

Speaker 2 Clearly, she knows the long haul, the grind. I agree with her.

Speaker 1 She's a proven champ. I agree with Hank.
Now, what about is there a girl in the house that looks like she's going to be the next bachelorette?

Speaker 2 Hannah. I mean, it's the first night.
A lot of girls came in the audience. Literally, no, there's Hannah Ann now.

Speaker 2 She got the first impression rose.

Speaker 2 So he took a girl on a date, the first date, to watch his parents get their vows renewed after 31 years, which was a convenient timing. Fuck pistol pete.

Speaker 1 The show pilot pete. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So his

Speaker 1 first date was look how in love my parents are? Yes. Would it be hilarious? It's actually not a bad move because aggressive.
No, it's too much

Speaker 1 weight on it.

Speaker 1 It's too much too soon, but I think that it's a great move to take a girl on a date after you've been dating for like a little bit because girls will be like, oh, your parents love each other.

Speaker 1 And for some reason, they'll think that that's a very good thing for you. Well, no, it doesn't imply they love each other.
They can stand each other to the point where they're still around.

Speaker 1 Or they're renewing their vows. They're just really good at passive aggressiveness.
They're renewing their vows to show off to all their friends how in love they are when they're really

Speaker 1 not. Yeah.
Wouldn't it be hilarious if Pete wasn't actually a pilot? He just like owned, he worked the cash register at a bunch of pilot Js in like Pennsylvania. That would be very good.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That'd be very fun. He's just giving people the key to go take a shower.
He's really good at flight simulator. Yeah.
Because they're not going to put him up in a plane.

Speaker 1 He's not going to have to prove it. When are you going to ever have to prove that you're a pilot? It's true.

Speaker 2 He's also making out with chicks left and right.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. Hot mouthing?

Speaker 1 Probably like just

Speaker 1 seven makeouts. Someone's got herpes.
That's just a statistical fact. Armano.
Yeah. So yeah, watch out.
I would do no kissing if I was on that show. Never kiss.
Also,

Speaker 2 I'll take this question, move it from bachelor. I mean, guys,

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 2 But this person says, Last night in the Bachelors, Hank probably doesn't know. A girl came in a limo with a one-liner.
I have a dry sense of humor, but that's the only thing drive about me.

Speaker 2 What would all of your limo entrances one-liners be?

Speaker 1 Oh, I like this because I watch Real Housewives and they always do the one-liners to start. Like, one of them's like, if you don't like what I have to say, sue me.
Like, that kind of shit.

Speaker 1 So, mine would be, I like it in the back. As you step out of the limit.

Speaker 1 I like putting myself in the back. Pause.
What?

Speaker 1 Just a little anal sex joke.

Speaker 1 Got it. Aggressive.
I like putting it in the back.

Speaker 2 This is if you were on the bachelor. Like,

Speaker 2 what are you saying?

Speaker 1 You'd say this is a girl bachelorette. Girl bachelorette.
I step out of the limo. I'm like, yeah, I like having fun in the back.
Mine would be like, I'm not cheating on you.

Speaker 1 I'm just a degenerate gambler. Something like that while I look at my phone.

Speaker 1 Like, don't ask me who I'm texting. I'm just looking at the MAAC scores for Tuesday night.
Actually, honestly, mine would be, and we've discussed this before, I'm a virgin. I would just say that

Speaker 1 it makes you stand out. So mine would be, I'm a Chad.
You never had after him. I'm a virgin.
I never would fight.

Speaker 1 It's actually more of a Chad move to announce that you're a virgin. Everyone would be like, holy shit, look at that, Chad.
I've never had sex. It's so hot.

Speaker 1 Don't you want to try to climb this unclimbable mountain, babe?

Speaker 1 What would yours be, Hank?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I'm Honk Lockwood.
Yeah, Hong Kong. And I don't think the Patriots dynasty's over.

Speaker 2 Train's coming through. Hong Kong.

Speaker 2 Try-die. Coming soon.

Speaker 1 All right, next.

Speaker 2 Oh, going to guys on Chinese.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just do, yeah, yeah. That was a great segue.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said that.
Great segue.

Speaker 2 Hey, Daddy Slimcat. So for Secret Santa, my boyfriend and all caps, all his guy friends bought each other dildo dildo or dick-related objects.

Speaker 1 Hilarious.

Speaker 2 Should I be concerned that they all live together in a house full of dildos or is this normal? Because seriously, I'm concerned.

Speaker 1 So no, you shouldn't, because it sounds like you're in seventh grade and your boyfriend just has a lot of brothers. Or he lives in a frat house.
Or he lives in a frat house. It's just guy stuff.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dicks.

Speaker 2 Hey guys, my boyfriend and I got to talking about guys masturbating in the shower because I thought it was a totally normal thing and would make for an easy cleanup.

Speaker 1 No, we nut on our carpet next to our bed.

Speaker 2 He tells me that doesn't happen, and no one does that. He claims it happens in a shirt or towel or whatever is laying around in the bedroom.
I don't know about you.

Speaker 2 I feel like he's wrong, and most guys take long showers for a reason. Who's right? Do guys really not masturbate in the shower?

Speaker 1 I would say most guys have, at one point, masturbated in the shower.

Speaker 2 Yes, I mean, most, and you know that it's a fact because the college you went to, you probably had to pay for your entire floor. Yes.
Clogging up the drains.

Speaker 1 Like, remember that would be a thing. That's a classic.
Classic. You would get like a flood messenger, like

Speaker 2 stop. No, but it's like,

Speaker 1 you you believe that? Hank, whenever that happens, it's always like that.

Speaker 2 I got money taken out. I was like, you have to like, you're holding.

Speaker 1 Hank, there was a, there's somebody

Speaker 1 who said, like, hey,

Speaker 1 college.

Speaker 1 No, but I mean, I thought, I mean, I guess. Like, these fucking semen bills are out of control.

Speaker 1 He's like, well, I'm not going to stop jacking off, and I'm not going to protest because it put me in a fucking

Speaker 1 tough corner here. No, but no, I was never doing it.

Speaker 2 I had to go knock on people's doors, but guys, like, stop.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I wouldn't say it's like, it's, it's, guys are just waiting to go in the shower, but if the guy who says no one ever does it, he's wrong.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would say most guys stop jacking off in the shower post-age 22. As soon as they have their own room.

Speaker 2 Do you ever live on a bus with like three guys and you're only stopping at like rest stops?

Speaker 1 Correct.

Speaker 2 Most people are probably masturbating and showering.

Speaker 1 You jacked off in the RV bathroom? No.

Speaker 2 We would stop at rest stops and like...

Speaker 1 Did you jerk off in the bathroom at Dana Horris's house? No.

Speaker 2 No, that was that was good week.

Speaker 1 That was a good question. What about Mike Florida? Who's the most famous house you've jacked off in? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I have jacked up in a pilot, a pilot, a pilot pilot gas station few of those you did when we were at j-lo's house you did go to the bathroom for a while nope

Speaker 1 absolutely not interesting you were very eager to use the restroom at scott boris's office oh i wasn't whereas i shunned it wasn't even there oh yeah you weren't there hey boys especially three-point champ big cat oh thank you me and my husband i forgot we had done that by the way in the video because everyone's like congrats and i was like why did they say congrats i didn't win me and my husband have been married for two years now and he has broken two of our toilets he claims this happens to a lot of guys and that quote quote-unquote, just can't handle the heat.

Speaker 2 Does this happen to other guys, too, or does my husband have too much heat?

Speaker 1 I've broken a toilet. Yeah, you've definitely broken it.
Every guy gets one. Yeah.
Two is two in as many years is kind of questionable. What are we talking about breaking toilets too?

Speaker 1 Is he like sitting too hard or is it he's clogged it to the point of no return? Probably sitting too hard.

Speaker 1 That's what happened to me. You got cheap toilets.
Yeah, I sat down aggressively and I hit my back on the tank and the tank

Speaker 1 seriously just sliced in half, and then there was water all over the floor. It was gross.

Speaker 1 And that was the last time PFT ever went to a Chili's.

Speaker 2 Hey, boys, my boyfriend recently said he wanted to have sex with a cougar. I was repulsed by the idea, but asked why.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of fur.

Speaker 1 And also, he's your boyfriend, and

Speaker 1 you were repulsed because... Hear him out.
Okay.

Speaker 1 He said it was a fantasy.

Speaker 2 He said it was a fantasy of his that he never got the chance to do, and he feels that that's the cub in him wanting to come out.

Speaker 2 I asked if this was a one and done kind of thing or something that would be recurring. He said one and done.
So I agreed. But now the thought of it has me feeling uneasy.

Speaker 2 Am I stupid for agreeing to this?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 Is this a normal fantasy for him to have? No. Also, he said I could have a pass for a type of person I would want to have sex with.
Do you all have any ideas for that?

Speaker 1 Fat podcaster. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you're Slim Cat now. Yeah, I am.
So many people have said I'm the fattest one now. So thank you, baby.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I mean, good that you guys have an open relationship. That's kind of cool.
So you're okay with him sleeping with somebody as long as that person's old enough to be your mom? Yes. Okay.
That's fair.

Speaker 1 Very fair. It's like a different species.
Yes. Okay.
It doesn't mean anything. It just means I'm horny.

Speaker 1 Get it done.

Speaker 2 What's up, boys? I need you to be a moral compass.

Speaker 1 A group of

Speaker 1 space.

Speaker 2 Moral space compass.

Speaker 2 A group of four guys in my company spent $12,000 at a strip club and expensed it to our company. Is that a fair use of company funds?

Speaker 2 Also, how lame is it to talk non-stop about one visit to a strip club for over a month?

Speaker 1 Can you ask right back to them?

Speaker 2 That person sounds like they are just mad they missed out.

Speaker 1 Well, I was going to say write back to them and ask him who should I start in my fantasy lineup on Saturday because they work with Matthew Berry.

Speaker 1 That's good. Yeah, Matthew Berry, big strip club guy.
Everyone knows that.

Speaker 1 It is weird to expand. I don't know what $12,000 gets you at a strip club.

Speaker 1 It gets you sick. No, I get that.
I'm saying it sounds like you're dealing with a bunch of

Speaker 1 terrible negotiators, though. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 i feel like four guys could go to a strip club and all get laid for six thousand dollars well it depends on yeah it depends on what strip club right yeah i mean they got taken virginia they don't even have 12

Speaker 1 uh southern exposure southern exposure golden horseshoe big cat bankrupt southern exposure i literally not not sex uh

Speaker 1 i that's what you just i that we're even for the train comment They ran out of ones. I was just throwing ones.
And they're like, yo, sir, we don't have any ones.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm taking taking my business back to my hotel to lay down. To the shower.
Why did I spend? It was only like $40, too. It was not a lot of ones.
It was bad.

Speaker 2 All right. And we'll finish with a follow-up to the Star Wars proposal question.

Speaker 2 I agreed to go. So we went out to dinner and then went to...

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Remind me

Speaker 1 of what we're discussing here. Let me see if I can.
I remember it. I remembered it.
I'll tell you. So

Speaker 1 she thought she was going to get proposed to, and he said, All right, here it is.

Speaker 2 What's up, boys? It'll be my boyfriend and I's two years anniversary on Friday. He told me we were going out to a really nice restaurant, and then afterward, we were going to see Star Wars.

Speaker 2 I really don't want to see Star Wars, but I also think he might propose that night. So, do I agree to Star Wars in hopes that he proposes? Because if I say no, he definitely won't propose that night.

Speaker 2 So, this is a follow-up. Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you guys remember what you said? Yeah, I'm pretty sure you were like, definitely don't go.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I think I said that. No, he said go.
I think it sounds like he's doing a fake out where he's like, if she agrees to go to Star Wars, I'm going to propose to her and psych her out. Right.

Speaker 1 All right, here we go.

Speaker 2 I agreed to go.

Speaker 2 So he went out to dinner and then went to the Star Wars movie, but the whole night he kept saying these cheesy Star Wars references like, Yoda won for me and your smile is brighter than a lightsaber.

Speaker 2 It was getting towards the end of the night, and I was nervous he wasn't going to propose, but he ended up getting on one knee and I said, yes. What?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes, through Star Wars was well worth it in the end on our two-year anniversary.

Speaker 1 Wait, so he did make you go to Star Wars to propose? Yes.

Speaker 1 It was the final test.

Speaker 1 What a night. You'll remember forever.
And he dropped a bunch of Star Wars lines.

Speaker 2 Yoda won for me and your smile is brighter than a lightsaber.

Speaker 1 Oh, now I get Yoda one one for me. Like, you're the one for me.
Yeah. Oh, that's good.
It actually should be the one for me. Put that on the card.
The one for me, Yoda. Yep.

Speaker 1 Is what it should have been. Damn.
Good. Happy for them.
Invite us to your wedding. We won't go, but invite us.
Marry me. You will.

Speaker 1 All right. If you have not watched Don't Fuck With Cats on Netflix, the documentary, you can stop right here.
Make sure you go watch it. If you have watched it, we're going to review it.

Speaker 1 And we said at the start of the show, we pretty much only review fucked up documentaries because the last one we did was abducted abducted in plain sight.

Speaker 1 And I remember we started that with just being what the fuck and don't fuck with cats. What the fuck? What the fuck comes up with this? Someone fucked with cats.
So where should we start?

Speaker 1 I mean, let's start with the beginning. So

Speaker 1 the cats that died. The main character.
Yeah, so the main person in this story, the main person they were interviewing was Body Moving. Yeah, Deanna Thompson.

Speaker 1 And I think people are split on whether or not they hate her or not. I think that she's good at what she does, researching

Speaker 1 things online.

Speaker 1 I don't know, PFT. She's very, she's throwing a flag.
You don't like body moving. No, John Green dominated her in terms of researching things online.
John Green is

Speaker 1 not a person you want to fuck with at all because that guy, he has, I don't know if you saw the password when they showed him logging in the very first time.

Speaker 1 John Green's password was so long that it had to extend past the week. Yes.
It was like a 14-character password. At that point, I knew like this guy is an online superhero.
He's a cold killer.

Speaker 1 It was actually.

Speaker 2 I would follow John Green into war.

Speaker 1 Yes. At the end,

Speaker 1 when he and Body Moven were sitting at the diner, and she was like, I would have quit without you. And he was like, I know you would have.
Like, you're fucking pathetic. You're weak.

Speaker 1 She did quit, like, three times. Yeah.
All right, so Body Moven,

Speaker 1 she's wild.

Speaker 1 And first of all, I said the minute I saw her, I was like, that lady owns pugs. She does own pugs.
She kind of looks like a pug. Well, she has a pig.
Not in a bad way. She has a pug tattoo.

Speaker 1 And at that point, when I saw, she has a pug dressed as David Bowie as a tattoo on her arm. And I was like, I do not want to fuck with her.
Yeah, so their search for

Speaker 1 Luca Magnata

Speaker 1 was insane. Like, looking at doorknobs in Ukraine and the vacuums and all that stuff.

Speaker 1 And then, are we in agreement that Luca Magnata just tipped them off to who it was? Because he wanted to be chased. Yes.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Like, that was it.

Speaker 1 That, like, he DM'd him and was like, hey, you should be searching for this guy. Obviously.
Because he clearly just wanted the chase.

Speaker 1 Right, because if he had made the cat video, the initial cat video, not killing any, like, if that had never come to light, uh, well, I'll put it this way: if he had made the video and nobody had ever, like, followed it, him, and no one had ever, like, followed up on it and tried to find him, he's got to feel like the world's biggest asshole.

Speaker 1 Yes, he's just like, my cat killed two people. My cat murdering video has five views, and it's all for me.
And I showed it to my mom. He's, yeah, and my mom was like, oh, that's a great video.

Speaker 1 Manny made you do that, huh? I always loved animals. Yeah, your friend Manny.

Speaker 1 So I love, though, when Body Moving

Speaker 1 was like, I had to go to my bosses. She worked in a Vegas casino.
And

Speaker 1 the guy, the terrible human being, Luca Magnoto, sent her a video of her casino that he found online.

Speaker 1 And she's like, I had to go to my bosses and tell them that I'm in a Facebook group trying to hunt down this cat killer. Can you imagine how embarrassing that was?

Speaker 1 The whole time I was like, your boss is fucking new.

Speaker 1 You're body moving. Like,

Speaker 1 when she walked in, was like, hey guys, got something I want to tell you. I'm being stalked by a cat-killing dude that I've been hunting on Facebook.
They're probably like, yeah, we know.

Speaker 1 It was probably a relief. Yeah, like, that's it? Yeah, like, that's, of course, you do that in your spare time.
So they search this guy. They find the guy.

Speaker 1 I also love the Jersey guys who come in briefly. And then they never bring him back.
They like fucked up the whole thing. They made that guy kill him.
Kill himself. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They really just brushed right over that. They were the definition of a bull in a china shop.
They just showed up and they're like, yeah, we found the guy. Fucking kill yourself, bro.
Kill yourself.

Speaker 1 And then the guy killed himself. And they're like, what do you do?

Speaker 2 He's like, well, illegally, like, I don't know what I can say. It's like, you have a sh TV show.

Speaker 1 Yeah. How illegal could what you're doing be? So it sounds like they have two different TV shows mixed into one.
It's called Rescue. Fantasy Fucking.

Speaker 1 It's called Rescue Inc, right?

Speaker 1 So it's not only a group of tough guys who rescue animals. It's also like a tattoo reality.
It's like Cake Boss, Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Speaker 1 Rescue Inc and the Dog Whisperer. Yeah, the Dog Whisperer all rolled into one.
But yeah, so Jamsy crams a lot in his ass, which was so funny they all had to say it like this.

Speaker 1 Jamsy crams a lot in his ass. They

Speaker 1 crams a lot.

Speaker 1 The fucking guy thinks he finds him, and then they just find this random dude in South Africa. It was like, what the hell are you guys doing?

Speaker 2 But that guy did, like, everyone's like, they did make him kill himself, which is fucked up. But that guy was trying to take credit for killing cats.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 Like, he was like, he got a little too.

Speaker 1 Stolen Valor cat. Cat killer.
Correct. Yeah.
So they find, so then they can't find the guy.

Speaker 1 And then Luca Magnoda, who is the terrible person who's who's basically the center of the story, just tips him off. Like, hey, here's who you should look at.

Speaker 1 This guy who, holy shit, was he, I mean, he was crazy because he's a murderer. Yes.
But the videos he made of himself and like the Facebook friends, the Facebook groups that he made of himself.

Speaker 1 Can I just compliment his work ethic? Yeah. Because he was a very focused individual.
Oh, man. He was able to sit down.

Speaker 1 I imagine all the work that he put into, like, constantly commenting on his own videos and shit.

Speaker 1 He probably spent 18 hours a day pretending that he was famous. Yes.
Like for himself in his own little puppet play that he was putting on for nobody else. Nobody else paid attention to it.

Speaker 1 Now he was obviously fucking insane and an evil person. And the fact that he gave his mom a basic instinct keychain probably should have been clue number one to his mom.
Maybe a problem.

Speaker 1 Maybe Luca should go see, should go talk to a professional. Do you think if

Speaker 1 KD watches this and he like sees like that Luca made all those groups for himself, he's like, you can do that? You just make a bunch of groups? He's like, come

Speaker 1 up. I would have hired Luca Magnata to be my social media guy.
Dude, he was so obsessed with himself and being a star. He created an ecosystem for himself.

Speaker 1 So he could have, conceivably, he was so good at making him look like he was famous online. Because there were, what, like 400 different

Speaker 1 Google hits. Great name, by the way.
Luca Magnata. Great name.
Luca Rocco Magnata. I thought that was for sure a fake name, but like he was, he was gifted that great.

Speaker 1 He sounds like

Speaker 1 What a waste of fucking great name, but he spent so much time like making himself feel famous to himself.

Speaker 1 He could have taken it one step further and like started an actual like marketing or ad company selling himself right to as like a social media superstar

Speaker 1 and like faked his way into an actual way of living until he was famous. His voice was so creepy.
Yeah. That deep voice.
I'm Luca Magnotto. You know who you reminded me a lot of?

Speaker 1 Andrew Coonanen, the guy from the American Crime Store, the guy that killed Giovanni Versace. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I don't know if you saw that show on FX. Yeah, yeah.
He reminded me a lot of that guy.

Speaker 1 Do you know that this guy, Luca Magnata, because Canada has such lax laws, he's online right now. In jail? In jail.
He is commenting. I think he has a Twitter.
He's commenting on things.

Speaker 1 So he's basically getting all the publicity that he wanted to get by being a murderer. It's so fucked up.
He probably would have traded that. Going into this, it's crazy.

Speaker 1 That you'd be arrested and end up in jail, but but you'd also be famous. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He married another murderer in prison.

Speaker 2 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. So he so he murdered someone, which they kind of, credit to Body Moving and John Green.
They saw that part coming. They were like, this is bad.
We should probably alert someone.

Speaker 1 The craziest search, by the way, was the Montreal street search. They literally went on Google Maps and searched every fucking street.
That was why.

Speaker 2 And well, they had to, so Luca Magnotto would just put up like photo picture, photo albums of himself, just like a video, but it's just a bunch of pictures.

Speaker 2 And then the next week he'd do it, but there'd be one updated picture.

Speaker 1 So they had to watch every single video

Speaker 2 and then finally found one where it's like, oh, wait, that's a new picture. Let's fucking search.
Oh, there's a light. Let's search Canadian architecture.
Like, architecture, lights. Crazy.

Speaker 1 It was insane. Crazy.

Speaker 1 So, one other thing that he kind of glossed over, when he was over in England, and that one reporter went to his hotel and visited him, it was very clear and obvious that this was the guy from the California.

Speaker 1 How come no one else thought to follow up on that besides that one reporter? It's nuts.

Speaker 1 it's nuts so uh he makes all these videos he has a snake video which the second set of hands which we actually that was my biggest takeaway is like who's the second set of hands I went and found it yeah it was just a neighbor it was a separate video they kind of fucked that up like explaining that in the documentary he kills someone which they all thought was coming horrific how about body moving by the way who was like casually like yeah so Luca Magnata you know killed uh

Speaker 1 what was the guy's name I'm gonna fuck it up.

Speaker 1 Sun Jin?

Speaker 1 I forget the guy's name. Okay, that's my bad.
Can you look that up so we can actually say his name? Because it's a very sad story, like really sad immigrant.

Speaker 1 Like, so he's like, yeah, so he murdered them. And then, and then Body Move is like, and I was wondering, what happened to that dog? Jun Lin.
Jun Lin. Did you see that part?

Speaker 1 When she was like, but what about the dog? Yeah, yeah. But he just murdered someone.
He murdered a human being. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like, the whole story is based on crazy people, I mean, crazy, but like good-hearted people who just don't, who are like so obsessed with animals.

Speaker 1 Like, rule number one, rule number one of the internet, don't fuck with cats. That's rule zero.
Rule zero,

Speaker 1 he murders a human being, and I love dogs, but to be like, but what happened to the dog? And there's also like an element of

Speaker 1 his own narcissism in them because when they watched that video, they were like, he put this dog in the video to fuck with us.

Speaker 1 It's like, no, I don't think so. I think the dog was just there.
You're right. He probably had some other scam going with the dog at the time.

Speaker 1 But yeah, there was an element where they were able to identify so much with him and they were able to find out so much about him that they started like thinking like he did too much.

Speaker 1 That actually is my biggest problem with the entire documentary. I think they made Luca Magnata out to be a lot smarter than he is.
Yes. Like he's not a genius.

Speaker 1 So the timeline, that felt like they glossed over as well. The fact that they're searching for this guy for like three years, he kills someone, he flees, and the cops get him within like two days.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Like they didn't, they just got him.
He was not smart. He's actually a fucking idiot, a narcissist, like a psychopath, but not smart, not a genius.

Speaker 1 Also, they found him in Montreal not because of anything to do with this Facebook group.

Speaker 1 They found him in Montreal because they recovered the torso, and there were fucking letters addressed to his own apartment inside the trash can. Yeah, right.
So he's an idiot.

Speaker 1 And so despite all the work that they put in in Toronto and saying, like, oh, I think we can figure out where he is in Montreal, the police didn't use any of that information to track him down.

Speaker 1 And then he just gets on a plane, doesn't change clothes, goes over to Paris. Right.
He's not, you're right. He's not that smart.
No, he's not smart at all. And he's a narcissist.

Speaker 1 He goes to an internet cafe to look at himself. If I were the guy from Catch Me If You Can, what's that guy's name? Abigil, Frank Abignil.
Right.

Speaker 1 If I were him, I would be insulted that this guy was being compared to me. Yes.
So.

Speaker 1 The other question I had, so this all happens, and then the Manny thing.

Speaker 1 The mom,

Speaker 1 I actually have a little bit of sympathy for the mom because it seems like shit's not going well in her life. And she's

Speaker 1 her son is a sociopath murderer, and she kind of can't really grasp it. What were you going to say?

Speaker 2 He left the house when he was like 16 to go be a whatever actor and then called her and told her that he was doing prostitution. And she was basically like, oh, well, he was making a lot of money.

Speaker 2 So like, it was cool.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the money was good.

Speaker 2 So clearly, like, the mom was fucked up. Yeah, there's some things.
You're 18 years old being like, hey, mom, I'm a prostitute now. The money's great.
And she's she's like, oh, that's great, honey.

Speaker 1 What about the benefits?

Speaker 1 You also have to imagine that she had her brain fucked up having to raise that kid because he's such a psychopath and a sociopath that he's probably been feeding her elaborate lies for his entire life.

Speaker 1 So she has no idea what's going on. Also,

Speaker 2 his Photoshop game was weak.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I had that right here. His Photoshop game sucked.

Speaker 1 And for somebody who is obsessed with cinematography and these old movies, the movies that he tried to recreate, he did a shitty job reproducing.

Speaker 1 Like it was just like the lighting was all off, everything was all fucked up.

Speaker 1 He was a two-bit criminal when it comes to his reproduction of these movies. And I noticed that the mom, you'll have to remember, like, back in, I think he was in Toronto, and he went to

Speaker 1 a newspaper, and he said that, like, people need to stop saying that

Speaker 1 I'm hooking up with a serial killer. A serial killer's ex-wife.
The serial killer's ex-wife looked a lot like his mom when his mom was younger, like, almost identical. It was creepy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the guy's so sick. And then the Manny thing where he makes up, you know, that there's someone who forced him to do it.

Speaker 1 And the final scene when he's sitting there and they try to like piece it all together. I don't know.

Speaker 1 When Body Moving looks into the camera and like breaks the fourth wall. I hated that.
I hated that, but it's also right. Like, she, they are somewhat responsible.

Speaker 1 They also psycho people out there, but, like, media and our obsession with crime documentaries and their obsession with finding someone, like that does, it basically was like when you when you go to like the dog park, if your dog likes to be chased, like if there's no dogs that are going to chase it, your dog will just sit there.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like Luca Bagnana wanted to be chased. He wanted celebrity.
We kind of gave it all to him. Well, we gave it to him after the fact.
So I don't feel guilty.

Speaker 1 She was like, should you feel guilty for this? They should. She should feel a little bit guilty for like trying to.
They chased him. They made him feel the celebrity that he really wanted to do.

Speaker 1 Right. They got a guy killed in South Africa.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They didn't really.

Speaker 1 But I also think that there's something to what they're doing, and I don't know if there's any way that you can solve this problem, but we've all seen people online before, whether it's on Twitter or if it's people that you know on Facebook, and their posts are so bad, their posts are such red flags that you know that there's something wrong with them, and you don't know what it is, and you don't know what you can do because you can't go to the cops and be like, Excuse me, Mr.

Speaker 1 Police Officer, this person is unusual online. This person has a collection of autographed checks and like opens up a bunch of baseball cards.
Correct. He probably is a murderer.

Speaker 1 You can go to the police and say that till you're blue in the face. Right.
But they'll be like, but his brand is extremely valuable.

Speaker 1 So there's no real remedy to what you can do. But you know what I'm saying? Yes,

Speaker 1 there's actually a person in my life that I saw posting and I was like, this person is fucked up and they're going to do something extremely dangerous.

Speaker 1 And the person ended up going like way off the rails is in jail now. But like, you can't report somebody like that to the cops for posting bad.
Agreed.

Speaker 1 And so, they found somebody, and they're like, Oh, this, I think, that at the very minimum, this person is a psychopath that's created a lot of Photoshop pictures of themselves and is pretending to be a cat killer.

Speaker 1 Like, you can't go, the police are going to see that and say, Well, what, what do we do? The intentions were all good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's just like when you get to the end, you, I, I think her body movings thoughts when she admits that, like, deep down, you know, late at night, I think, like, did we have a part in this?

Speaker 1 I think she's kind of right. Like, yeah, maybe it did because he wanted to be chased and you chased him.
But I don't fault them for being, they're good people.

Speaker 1 Like, John Green and Body Moven are good people.

Speaker 1 They're people who are like looking out for the better in society. It's just internet culture is so fucked up now.
So fucked up.

Speaker 2 The lawyer, it obviously wasn't the comedy, but the lawyer was from Michael Douglas lawyer at the end when he was like, the fact that this guy like set up an alibi a year and a half in advance and like did all this pre-work is absolutely crazy, but it's so diabolical I have to respect it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Like, what, dude? He killed someone.
Yeah, that's like, it was like very cavalier about the whole thing. But I mean, going to a lawyer

Speaker 1 two years in advance.

Speaker 1 They didn't really address it. He literally must have just typed in lawyer.
Michael Tuggs.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yes.
And then he sent him a police report.

Speaker 1 And when I saw that police report from Miami, where he claimed that Manny beat him up and all that stuff, it was like, oh, we have to take him to the hospital.

Speaker 1 I knew that that was bullshit instantly because, like,

Speaker 1 why would the police mail a letter to some guy who had met with a guy as a client like a year ago? Right.

Speaker 1 It was very clearly being set up as his alibi in advance, but still, like, he was a hustler.

Speaker 1 He was a hustler. He sucked at it.

Speaker 1 And what I said earlier that, like, the production value on the snuff films, like, I'm saying that the guy was

Speaker 1 not as glamorous as he thought that was. No, no, no.
He thought he was unbelievable.

Speaker 1 That's like the mirror of everything else that goes on in his life, where he pretends that he's he's doing something super artistic and he's actually just a dirty piece of shit that was my that was my problem with the end of the documentary i was like this guy is not as smart as everyone's making him out to be yeah he is not some mastermind he's a fucked up piece of shit and he took a life and he should be in jail forever but he's not some like oh my god can you believe this brain he puts all this he's bored he wants to be famous he's narcissistic and he got caught in like three days he also had the elizabeth holmes voice yeah where he'd be like uh well i came here to get away from the death threats isn't it obvious?

Speaker 1 Yeah. If somebody says, isn't that obvious to you in a normal day-to-day conversation, they're lying to you about something.
Right, right. So, all right, so that's don't fuck with cats.

Speaker 2 The other part that I kind of found somewhat humorous was like how funny it must have been because the people that arrested him, it was like a guy that was training a bunch of like soon-to-be cops.

Speaker 2 And so they just rolled in with like 50 people.

Speaker 1 10 people

Speaker 1 were probably, it was like a field trip, basically.

Speaker 2 Like, all right, you know, we're doing a ride along, and they're like, oh, hey, like, there's a, there's a mass murderer in this coffee shop. Like, let's go.

Speaker 2 And they all just strolled in, like, oh, what's that?

Speaker 1 Luca Magnata probably loved it. Yeah.
He's like, look at that. They needed to bring in the whole squad.
Yeah. Fuck.
How pissed off would you be if you were that store that sold the wolf blanket?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Because that was a cool blanket.
That was a cool blanket. No one can buy it anymore.
It was. And the vacuum cleaner, probably, we got to, we should probably add Ravel on for that.

Speaker 1 Like, what's a brand exposure? Yeah.

Speaker 1 For the yellow one or the seal bag? Yeah, for the, for the fucking vacuum cleaner that killed two kittens. What kind of price jump do we get from that?

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's worth $50,000 into the exposure.
All right. We'll see everyone Friday.
We have Warren Sharp in studio, maybe Paul Rabel. We're going to do a big preview for divisional rounds.

Speaker 1 One more thing. Yeah.
Just watching that opening scene in Basic Instinct because it cut away before the actual

Speaker 1 scene. And that made me want to go back and watch Basic Instinct.
Or I was going to say, uncross your legs. Yeah.
In front of people. Looks hot.
The implication. I do that anyways.
Yeah. Take a peek.

Speaker 1 Love you guys.

Speaker 1 Talking away,

Speaker 1 I don't know what

Speaker 1 to say or fade anyway.

Speaker 1 Today is not my day to find you shine away.

Speaker 1 I'll be coming for your love okay.

Speaker 1 Take

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Take on me. Take

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 Take on

Speaker 1 One, two, three, go.