NFL Week 5, Fastest 2 Minutes, Duck Hodges + Big Ben’s Apple Watch

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On today's Pardon My Take, football. Football and more football.
Football, football, football. Our guest is football.
We're going to break down every single game. We're going to give you the fastest two minutes.
We're going to do football guy of the week. We're going to talk a little baseball.
We're going to talk a little who's back. We've got a lot for you on a football Monday.

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Week 5. What? What? What? What? What? We start in the Meadowlands where the locker room had some hurt feelings after Kirk Cousins went on his fucking podcast and apologized.
Tiege, he wasn't advertising for MeUndies, as Cousins and Thielen are a couple of tighty-whities. Dalvin Dane Cook is running angry because Kirk Cousins is stealing money from the Vikings every single week.
Elijah Penny and Danny Dimes made enough loose change to make Pete Carroll watch this game film more than once. The Vikings are back on track.
28, G-Men, 10. The New York football giants.
In Houston, where Will Fuller House said, how rude to the idea of single coverage on Sunday to the tune of three touchdowns. Have mercy.
Deshaun Watson broke the Falcons' defense down step by step for reporters after the game. And Dan Quinn's Suzanne Sommer may be starting soon.
As the Falcons could be looking for a fresh start. And to be better.
The second time around. As Deshaun Hunter Watson was the hottest guy in town.
The Falcons' Super Bowl run was so long ago, I watched it on my dinosaurs. I'm the baby, gotta love me.
Texas truffle, 50 burger, 53, Falcons, 32. To Nash Vegas, where the Bills take on the Titans.
A Music City Miracle rematch, where a young schwamm was in attendance. Look at that hair, Teej.
Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. It's also thinking you have a decent kicker, as Cairo missed several Egypt shots, and fortunately, Mike Vrabel's dick won't be looking like the Sphinx's nose if the Titans keep this up.
Hey, Teej. Yeah, boom? No one circles the pyramids like the Buffalo Bills.
Bills 14, Titans 7. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
In Pittsburgh, Devlin Merrill Hodges led the team back to an abnormally large tie in a relief appearance after a concussion that was greatly overblown by the media according to these pseudoscience papers I have right here. Mark Laura Ingram couldn't believe what the whistleblowers overheard when the Steelers elected to kick in overtime.
After a Pittsburgh fumble, Justin Tucker Carlson's field goal drifted far enough right for the win. Ravens 23, the Steelers 20.
To the nation's capital where Tom Terrific came to smoking Jay Gruden's house for an easy W. Julian Adelman was rolling in the deep secondary as Josh Gordon Lightfoot made a wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald of the Redskins secondary.
Tom Brady seamlessly ordered a touchdown as Ryan Lizzo made the Redskins defense 100% his bitch. Patreons 33 Redskins 7.
I don't know if that's how Ryan Lizzo does it. I think it is.
100% his bitch. In Carolina, where we had a back alley cat fight as the Panthers and Jaguars were two cats rubbing up against each other on a Sunday afternoon.
We call that scissoring, boom. That's hot.
Christian McCaffrey was a holy trinity, rushing for 176 yards, receiving for 61, and throwing for zero interceptions. Reggie Cinnabonifon added the cream frosting on the win with a late touchdown.
Gardner Minsunice ate everything the Panthers sent his way until he threw up a Hail Mary that was batted down by Puke Keekly. Panthers 34, the Jaguars 27.
Across the pond we go where Chase Daniel Ratcliffe had the Bears offense looking like a muggle until they entered platform nine and three quarters at halftime, coming out looking like a Triwizard champion. But the Bears came up short in the most heartbreaking loss since he who shall not be named.
Cody Parkyboom. Yeah, we shouldn't name him.
That's why we shouldn't name him. Looks like John Gruden isn't so Dumbledore now as the Raiders are eating high off the Hogwarts.
The Gryffindor Raiders. 24, Hufflebears 21.
That made me laugh because I didn't understand any of the references. In Dallas, where stonks are up for Aaron Dow Jones, Amari Alexandra Cooper told the Packers defense, Call me daddy as he gobbled up yards like a voodoo clam and suck and fucked his way to 226 yards.
Aaron Rodgers said to Danica Daktrick, we may like each other, but don't think you're getting a ring on my watch. Up in the box, Jerry Jones invited George Bush, but the Packers said put down that W and hold this Ellen DeGeneres.
Packers 34, Cowboys 24. Standing on a corner, Jameis Switzer, Tampa, Florida.
Such a fine sight to see. It's Drew Brees, my lord, and his thumb still soars.
Show me your teddies, I'll give you Mardi Grubbies. Come on, Bridgewater.
Don't be a thick otter. You've got a third leg.
People are calling you Teddy Tri-Potter. Saints Cole marching 31-24.
We finish in a sloppy game in Kansas City where an injured Patrick Mahomes is on the field. He barely has an ankle, but we're going to go down to a better.

First of all, I want to say thank to all the equipment staff

from the red unis tonight.

I was walking around feeling like an ice cold

glass at heights. Unfortunately, we

were the ones playing catch up until he won.

Gosh dang, my ankle really smarts.

They got that sucker all taped up like

a dang mummy. I feel

immobile on it. It was a little weird

playing my first game outdoors after

playing one indoors. I got distracted

Thank you. They got that sucker all taped up like a dang mummy.
I feel immobile on it. It was a little weird playing my first game outdoors after playing one indoors.
I got distracted looking up at the night sky trying to figure out which one's bigger. Orion's belt or the one Coach Reed wears around with all the neat gadgets.
All right. Week five in the books.
While we still have Monday Night Football, I do that every single week. We're going every game yep uh before we start we're gonna start with sunday night football but before we do that can we talk about the fact that pi flags are the dumbest rule the nfl has ever done i think it was put out there as a trick on coaches to see which coaches have the least amount of respect for the officiating crews.
They're like, oh, you're going to challenge it? Well, guess what? We're never going to overturn it, except there's going to be one pass interference that's overturned in the playoffs. In the playoffs, yes.
A major game in the playoffs. They're going to totally switch the rule books on us at the very last second, and it's going to blow everybody's mind.
But they're not changing anything right now. You're absolutely right.
They're going to do one big one so they can say, see, it works. The system works.
But holy shit, is it dumb. It slows the game down.
There's never, ever going to be an overturn. There might have been one already, but I feel like I haven't seen it.
And every single game, it feels like there's two or three times where a coach is like should i challenge should i not then they challenge they never get it that one in uh the dallas green bay game which wasn't pass interference but then the minute they show it on slow motion everything looks like pass interference so they're never going to undermine their own crew and it's the dumbest rule change that they've ever done. It was so knee-jerk from the Saints' fuck-up, which we said at the time was a huge fuck-up, but also like a once-in-a-million-shot fuck-up that didn't need an entire rule to fix that.
I think if it happened to any team except for the New Orleans Saints, they wouldn't have changed the rule. But even the NFL was like, you know what? We've fucked over this franchise a lot.
If we don't make it look like we're doing something, we might have a riot on our hands. We might have a full-scale riot.
The Saints fans were putting up billboards in Atlanta for the Super Bowl. Who knows what the next step would have been if they didn't change something.
So it was very reactionary to that. But that's what the NFL does.
Of course. They're extremely reactionary to everything.
And so they're putting on kind of kind of like a facade of yeah we fixed the problem the problem was never that big to begin with well because like a judgment call it's tough to go back and review because you're right you could call it on every single play if you wanted to i actually just realized what they did we're so stupid of course they did this because what they did was they created this rule that's even dumber than the missed call in the saints game in the nfc championship game so now in the offseason they can remove this rule and then say hey we're listening to people we're changing things we know how to adapt when really they're just adapting to their own fuck up that was a reaction to their initial fuck up yep you know genius it's genius by the nfl this never would have happened if je Jeff Fisher was still on the competition committee. I'm just saying that if Jeff Fisher was still involved in some aspects of the NFL, this rule change would have never been implemented.
He knows that he can't find his own challenge flag inside his pocket. He would have lost all of them.
While we're talking about rules, this is going to be a hill I'm going to die on now the rule that if you have like a uh an excessive celebration or a you know block in the back or something on an interception that gets negated it shouldn't count that shouldn't count if the interception is negated everything after that should be negated it should be if you're yes if you're a defensive player and you see a flags down on the play it should be the exact same as if you're aaron rogers and see that there's an off-sides penalty, you get a free shot. Yeah.
So if you're a defensive player and you see a flag's down on the play, it should be the exact same as if you're Aaron Rodgers and see that there's an offside penalty. International waters.
You get a free shot. Yes.
So if you intercept the ball, you can do whatever you want with the ball. You can stick it in your pants and pretend to hump an official.
You can punt it into the stands. It doesn't do whatever.
It doesn't make sense that if you intercept the ball and then you have excessive celebration and then they say the interception never counted, the celebration shouldn't count because you wouldn't have had that. Anything happens after the flags down doesn't count at all okay all right that's enough uh of us just yelling mindlessly my only rules that we can't change and have no impact my only regret is that lovey smith was not around to totally screw up all the past interference challenges because he would have figured out brand new ways to mess all that up absolutely okay so let's start with the sunday night game the Chiefs are in trouble I think the blueprint is out there for the Chiefs well how to beat the Chiefs it's injured Pat Mahomes well it's injured Pat Mahomes but I want to we have to give a ton of credit to the Colts because running the ball the way they ran it and also just credit on the season the fact I don't know many franchises that could have their franchise quarterback their career court you know their quarterback for the future you're hoping for the next 10 years retire all of a sudden and be able to hold everything together and the Colts need all the credit in the world for good leadership I'll say it Jim Irsay but it's probably more Chris Ballard and Frank Wright but I'll say oh yeah we'll give the credit I'll give you some I'll give you some credit jim or say but that is what good teams do with a solid foundation with a gm who's been empowered and a coach who's been empowered and frank reich is on my list of coaches i you love to bet on because he's aggressive throughout the game but they need all the credit in the world because i honestly don't think there are more than a handful of franchises in the NFL that had their quarterback retired three weeks before the season would have been able to put together what the Colts have been able to put together and of course it's week to week they lost to the Raiders last week they beat the Chiefs this week the NFL makes no sense but I still think they need credit because what they're doing they have an identity and they stick to it consider this us crediting Jim Irsay for the first time on the show he put ballard in place ballard stocked the offensive line the offensive line has five road graders yeah quentin nelson is just dominating people they have they have probably i think i saw like 10 plays tonight where it was just scripted for quentin nelson to just blow the defensive uh defensive lineman off his feet and then get to the second level immediately yes and they are really, really good on the offense.
They can run the ball on anybody. They can pass protect, and they've got some good receivers.
They've got a good running back. I know their defense was banged up a little bit today, but the Colts are really, really fucking good.
And Frank Reich, I mean, he's got to be in the conversation for Coach of the Year at this point. Oh, you're going to give him out? First quarter.
No, we're doing quarterly awards. Second quarter.
Frank Reich gets the first quarter of the second quarter Coach of the Week award from me. Absolutely.
All right, so the Chiefs. I don't want to overreact because obviously they're fantastic.
Patrick Holmes is incredible. Let's do it.
But we have to overreact a little. My question to you, PFT, are they a regular regular season team because this is my favorite thing about football when you have a team just be like hey you know what we're just gonna man you up we're gonna run the ball we're gonna control the clock and we're gonna play some defense and now patrick mahomes injury clearly he was hampered you know tyree kills out there everything changes i think sammy walkins went But I do love this dynamic.
This is why football is the best sport, because you have like incredible offenses, incredible teams. And then you can you can basically say, hey, if we just decide to just play like man old school football, we might have a chance.
Right. Probably not every time.
Right. We might have a chance.
It's grit versus glam. Yeah.
Right. You get it.
You're going to try to score 50 points on us tell you what we're gonna run the ball we're gonna run the ball and then we're gonna run the ball some more quentin nelson rocking the run the damn ball hat like you're wearing right now run the damn ball it's bully ball it's kind of like the old it's the old uh peyton manning colts teams who would put up you know insane stats in in the regular season and then get bullied in the in the post i've got another team I'm going to talk about later that I think fits that bill pretty well. But yeah, you know how we always say that the trick to beating Tom Brady is hit him, just if you can rush with four and then hit him with four.
Beating Patrick Mahomes, the book is out. It is actually just keeping him in the pocket.
Keep him in the pocket and make sure you sprain his ankle multiple times. The injury had something to do with that.
But you're going to hear a lot of people say that the trick to beating Patrick Mahomes is keeping him in the pocket. And I think that that's real.
I also think that there might have been a little bit of bad chemistry going into this game. Because if you saw earlier this week, Richard Sherman and a few other – not Richard Sherman, Anthony Sherman and a few other players on the Chiefs, they tweeted out Travis Kelsey's phone number.
Oh. Do you see that? No, I did not.
Yeah, they said, wish him a happy birthday because it's his birthday. And was it actually his phone number? I don't know.
I wished him a happy birthday. He didn't respond to me.
Okay, so... He curved me.
So the Chiefs have the Texans next week. You just got to bet the Chiefs, though.
You got to bet the Chiefs. You got to bet points.
Yeah, but you got to bet the Chiefs because you just have to take whatever overreaction you have and i just basically buried the chiefs even though they're not and remember that next week patrick was will throw five touchdowns and we'll just forget everything so they're not in trouble but it's one of those things keep it in the back of your head okay because you know who else can run the ball the patriots yeah so if they play each other in the in the playoffs which we all expect will the chiefs be able to figure this out i yeah if it's in New England, it's going to be tough. Okay, let's get to the rest of the games.
Bucs versus Saints. Teddy Bridgewater.
Do we have a quarterback controversy? I think so. It's going to be Bridgewater or Taysom Hill.
I'm not sure which one. You've got to ride the hot hand, right? And Taysom Hill was one for one today.
Okay, so he was one for one. It sucks that he, I understand why Sean Payton is not bringing Taysom Hill out much more because he's, if, if Teddy Bridgewater gets hurt, Taysom Hill is your quarterback.
So you can't just be throwing them out there seven times a game for random plays. Uh, your internet dad, my internet uncle, Mike Florio had a point that I thought was very interesting.
I want to hear, hear your take. Okay.
Drew Brees injury was the best thing to happen to the saints because it took all the pressure off this season. After the, after the Minneapolis miracle, after the NFC championship game with the blown call, the saints were the snake bitten team with all the pressure in the world.
Can they get back their windows closing? You know, Drew Brees isn't going to be around forever he gets hurt and now it's like it's the old nobody believes in us theory and they go to seattle and they win and then they beat the cowboys and then they beat the the bucks and they just keep rolling off wins and now you have to wonder like their defensive line is awesome different in the dome and teddy bridgewater is doing more than just keeping them afloat he's winning games he's winning he's what is he he's three and oh now yeah he's three and oh as a starter so uh they they said basically just tread water until drew breeze gets back and you know what this injury did it gave them permission to win ugly which i like because because if they win ugly with drew breeze then the question is is drew breeze done right is this time to move on is this last season how much longer is going to stick around new orleans now it's this team's playing like a team so you agree with i do i do agree with mike flory on this i don't think that they like we should just steal the take okay we created yeah so i don't think that if sean payton had drawn it up uh in his very busy off season of course i don't think he would have said i would like to see drew get hurt this year yes but i don't think it's the worst thing in the world also it it makes him look like a genius for re-signing teddy bridgewater and makes teddy bridge you know how close we were to having miami dolphins quarterback teddy bridgewater yeah he's making himself millions and millions of dollars true breeze miami dolphins quarterback that's true that's true all these guys all these guys are just like nope don't want to go there I'd rather go to the Saints but we now have two the two best teams in the NFC South are teams that are just winning with backup quarterbacks and it's impressive I mean the Saints it's impressive what the Saints are doing and I do really I kind of believe that they're they're under the radar with the Drew Brees injury the pressure is completely off and you're right they can just win ugly this was I mean Teddy Bajoran was very good today yeah so they're calling him Teddy Roosevelt they were that they were chanting Teddy Teddy Roosevelt because he carries that big stick Drew Brees between his legs Drew Brees is definitely going to come back when he's not 100% like he's going to come back when he's 60% because he can't have this. He was throwing miniature footballs.
He can't have this. They got him on the Andrew Luck plan where he starts out with the little footballs that you get from a vending machine.
Eventually, it'll be a Nerf. Then it'll be a Vortex.
Then it'll be a college football. So we've probably got like five weeks of him progressing to slightly bigger balls.
He's going to come back before he is ready just because he can't handle this. Okay, next up, Ravens.
Also, he remembered that he has Michael Thomas on his team. Yes.
Which is a very big part. Well, the Bucs secondary is atrocious.
Yeah, well, where do we stand on the how much has Bruce Arians gotten through to Jameis Winston meter now? Well, Jameis Winston did something today that I don't think I've ever seen. He played in the Superdome without trying to eat his own fingers beforehand.
Nope. He, uh, threw an interception, but it was called off because he took a delay a game.
It's smart. It's incredible.
I've never seen a quarterback. I mean, they've rarely let the play go on a delay game, but it was incredible to watch.
He, it was like the reverse Aaron Rogers who does the, get the guy offsides and then throw a touchdown a touchdown you know he has a free play Jameis didn't even realize he had a free play or no he didn't realize that the play was going to be called off and he still threw the interception and then his original stupidity negated his his second yes sometimes it's better to be dumb than good it was incredible yeah and that is the Jameis Winston's the jamis all the time it's better to be dumb than uh-huh if you're dumb enough and you make a mistake sometimes it turns out in your favor so yeah jamis never lacks in confidence turn into this kid jamis uh okay raven's stealers duck devlin hodges duck duck is that is that what we're saying about him that's. His nickname's Duck.
They call him Duck? He won a duck calling competition as a youth. They call him Duck.
That is so perfect. I love that.
They call him Duck. Not a great name for a quarterback.
Devlin Duck Hodges. I kind of like it.
I like it too in theory, but I mean, the problem with that is every time he throws a duck, then it gets brought up. True.
True. But then he could say, that's my signature throw.
You knew what you were getting when you signed an old ducky. So Devlin Duck Hodges comes in for Mason Rudolph, who took a brutal, brutal hit.
And did the cart break when they were trying to take him off? Yeah, so it was out on the field. They drove it out on the field.
I don't know if it ran out of juice or ran out of gas. What happened? You know what it was? It was probably Ben was just joyriding it before the game.
Just ghost riding the whip. Yeah.
Hopefully wearing a helmet. There was not enough air in the tires because he had just taken it all out, taken all the gas out, and it broke down.
How about Ben Roethlisberger getting in trouble for wearing an Apple Watch last week? Yeah. That got fined $5,000, and his excuse was his wife dressed him, which is – Of course.
I absolutely believe that, by the way. Also...
You can be like, yes, Ben Roethlisberger doesn't know how to put clothes on. Do you think that Ben Roethlisberger would know how to cheat with an Apple Watch? There's no way.
He probably doesn't even turn it on. He doesn't even know that it's a watch that you can use text messages on.
Right. He just has it for the time.
He probably doesn't even look at it. It just looks good.
He's like, oh, yeah, my wife dressed me, and it looks good. He's like, oh, this for the time he probably doesn't even look at it it just looks good he's like oh yeah my wife dressed me and it looks good he's like oh this watch oh it doesn't even turn on it's weird it's good he just uses it to track his steps and his heartbeat yes it's for health uh but yeah so devlin duck hodges comes in not bad in relief of mason rudolph but the big story from this game is mike tomlin and i'm gonna going to defend him.
Go off. I'm going to defend him.
Mike Tomlin did the unthinkable, and in overtime, they won the coin flip, and they elected to kick. Now, of course, when we saw this, we're like, this is the dumbest thing ever.
Steelers football, baby. Dumbest thing ever.
But Mike Tomlin, his quote afterwards, it actually makes sense. So he said that his kick return team was so bad on Sunday that he knew that if he elected to receive, they would have a very good chance of not moving the ball and then giving the Ravens great field position.
So the Steelers on Sunday, their three kick returns, they started at the 11, the 12, and the 15. He kicked in overtime.
He said, I challenged my defense to make a stop. They made the stop, and then they received the ball in the 32.
So whatever you want to say about Mike Tomlin, and there's a lot to say. He doesn't have any confidence in Duck.
No, he doesn't have confidence in his kick return team because if you if you go out if you are at the 10 and the 15 yeah every single time and you don't get the first down you basically are giving justin tucker the game right but also you don't have to score a touchdown you just have to get in so you're giving justin tucker permission to win the game on the very first possession no he can't you can't win the game on a field goal in the first possession. So he deferred catching it.
So he kicked off to them. Right, knowing that his defense would give up a touchdown.
Which they did, right? They stopped him. They stopped him.
They got the ball back at the 32. So it actually worked out exactly as Mike Tomlin planned.
And then, of course, Mullen Humphrey you know peanut punch punches uh uh Juju and then the game ends but what Mike Tomlin did actually worked exactly to plan and as dumb as he can be at times I'm going to defend him on this one I gotta wait and see what the stats are on how many times has that happened in overtime in the modern game like a coach that does not elect to receive the kickoff I feel like Belichick's done it with a win before maybe. This might be one of these situations where Tomlin figured out the math after the fact when he knew he had to defend it.
He downloaded all the data that he keeps in Big Ben's watch. I don't know.
My knee jerk was to say that's so stupid, but when he explained it and then he looked at the numbers and how bad their kick return team was on Sunday, and that's something the Steelers have struggled with all season. They don't really have a returner.
Listen, Mike Tomlin, if you're watching the game, there's never been a coach happier than when they got that first stop because he knew he was off the hook. But still, especially with the fact that a field goal can't beat you on the first possession, I don't hate to move.
Also, when you have a backup quarterback and then a backup backup quarterback in the game it kind of gives coaches a little bit of room to breathe and a little bit of room to try weird stuff and that way when they explain things like his decision to do this in the post-game press conference you're first of all your ownership does not expect you to win when you're starting a second stringer or a third stringer right necessarily and when they hear you trying weird fucked up moves like this, they're like, well, he's doing everything that he can. Right.
He's trying. He is trying to, you know, play the odds and do weird shit to try to get this team to a victory.
Yeah. Like they were doing a lot of the gadget plays.
Right. You know what? I don't, I don't know if the stats are a hundred percent correct on this, but I think that there were more little, uh, I don't want to to call them shovel passes but the passes that go like a yard in front of you to a wide receiver running a jet sweep you know i'm saying those little uh underhanded passes there are more of those they're flips this week than i've ever seen in any other week of the nfl count they count as four throws yeah absolutely so also lamar jackson stink let's talk about him again.
So he stinks again. He stinks and he doesn't stink.
Then he stinks again. He did knock over a photographer on the sideline and then picked her up and gave her a little pat on the back.
So it was a good job respecting the biz by Lamar. The Ravens didn't look great really in anything that they did.
No. Their defense was okay.
They're not a good... I don't think they're that good of a team I think that this is a team that is poised to take a big drop off in the second half of the season Lamar Jackson too notice I noticed this he he looked a step slower than he has the first few weeks it's hard to be a running quarterback in the NFL I mean it hard you get hit a lot.
You get hit way more than everyone else.

He ran the ball 14 times.

I mean, some of them are he's going out of bounds and some of them are he's sliding, but that's still more

hits than every other quarterback gets.

I'm just saying, if we're

doing the meter on Twitter, the

Lamar Jackson haters, which we're not,

had a nice day.

It was not as good as it could

have been for them because they

won, and you can always say he wins.

And I feel like a lot of the Lamar Jackson haters are also the same quarterback wins people. They're very conflicted this morning.
Well, I just don't understand why we can't just be reasonable about Lamar Jackson, be like he's a pretty good quarterback, and I still want to see more and see if he can be healthy for an entire season while he's carrying the ball 14 times. I feel like that's a rational thing to say.
I think that's a pretty good quarterback, and I still want to see more and see if he can be healthy for an entire season

while he's carrying the ball 14 times.

I feel like that's a rational thing to say.

I think that's a pretty rational thing to say.

Right, but you have to have the hottest take on Lamar Jackson,

whether it's pro or against.

Okay, next game up.

The NFL actually came out and said that Mason Rudolph

didn't need a cart for that hit.

Oh, he didn't.

If he needed a cart, they would have brought one out,

but he was totally fine and he was totally good to just walk it out.

He just knocked out twice.

Just pour Mason Rudolph.

So we'll be right back. Didn't need a cart for that hit.
Oh, he didn't. If he needed a cart, they would have brought one out, but he was totally fine and he was totally good to just walk it out.
He just knocked out twice. Just poor Mason Rudolph.
So it wasn't an NFL cart issue. It was – he was fine.
The fact that they took off the mask was – I mean, you can't do that to a guy. Take the whole helmet off.
Like, that's – that was not fair for him. That visual was not fair to him.
Oh, just because you saw his face coming out? Yeah, and he just had the helmet on without the face mask.

You've got to take the whole thing off. I'm going to say it.

Football players, I think they look pretty cool without the face mask on.

It looks different.

Yeah.

Looks like a leather head.

Yeah.

Looks like the old George Clooney.

Yes.

Okay, next up we have Cardinals, Bengals, Zane.

Zane did it.

Zane.

Zane, it was a big day for Chases, half the game, and Zanes. Yeah, it was good.
I guess Cliff got his first win. Yeah.
He was the first rookie coach to get a win this year. Yes.
Here's a stat for you. Did he get? At the expense of Zach Taylor.
Yes. Who I still don't know what he looks like.
I think he looks like a mix between Mayor Pete and the coach. Was he Ryan Day? Poor Zach Taylor.
It sucks. I think they're talking about trading Andy Dalton now.
Which would be. Yeah.
Get a king's ransom for Andy Dalton. Well, I mean, midseason, some team would.
And I'm saying this now because I know it's going to be the Bears. But some team would be like, hey, we have an injured quarterback.
Let's take Andy Dalton. Would you take him right now? This is my original hypothetical that got me in trouble with Jay Cutler all the way back when.
If Mitch was hurt for the rest of the year, yes, definitely. It would be great.
You'd get right in with the colors, too. It would be so sad.
God damn it. All right, so this game.
Kyler Murray didn't look as short as he has in the past. No, he's looking like he's growing.
I think he looks shorter at home than he does on the road. Something with the cameras.
Yeah, and like the bright red uniforms that they wear. The red color rush.
Yeah, the red brings them down a little bit. Yes, it does.
Red's a bad color just in general to wear. This is an old-fashioned double circle game, the Bengals and the Cardinals.
So if you're a fan of either team, at the start of the year, both teams had this circled as a win for them yeah like if you're a Cardinals fan you're like yeah we could steal this one on the road no problem right those are always dangerous right and and it also is one of those games that if you are a Cardinals fan who I don't I don't know who um who is Cortez Cortez Clue Haywood yeah Clue there you go and Cortezez. Those two Cardinals fans, we're talking to you right now on this podcast.
This is the game that you watch and you say, that's Kyler Murray. That's why we picked him number one.
And that's all you – when you draft a quarterback and your team stinks around him, you just need like two or three games in the season where he shows something that you're like, that's the guy. Did you see pictures of the stadium before the game? How empty it looked in Cincinnati? It looked like what the dilapidation porn for old Olympic stadiums look like right now.
It was Brazil. There were weeds growing in between the chairs.
I don't think there were people even trying to get in. Alligators in the pools.
And at that point, I got to put one in the ear hole of Cincinnati because if there's nobody at the game, what are you doing in your assigned seat on the second level? It's a good question. At that point, you scoot down to the front.
It's a good question. It's a very good question.
Okay, next up we have... Oh, here's a stat for you.
Not good for Cincinnati. NFL defenses have only given up 10 500 yard games so far in this season the Bengals have given up two of them oh that's not good yeah that's not good that's that doesn't seem like that defense is doing so well yeah I don't know I who's their defense coordinator now I don't know Andy Dalton had 22 yards in the first half but you tried you know what know what? You tied the game at the end.
And you almost. It could have been a lot worse if you're Cincinnati.
You came back. You tied.
You know what? Resiliency. You were the unlucky ones that had to deal with the Kyler Murray game.
Yeah. It also wasn't primetime.
So that's good. Not that many people watched on TV or in the stadium.
Right. This was the game that Red Zone forgot.
Absolutely. This week.
Well, the B the bills titans too there were also 10 games yeah real quick nfl schedule makers 10 games is too much football to be happening at one time i have no idea what's going on i can't keep a score straight while i'm watching it yes i can't keep track of my bets or my 40 fantasy teams i can't keep track of any of this if i'm just it's like if you were a uh if you had epilepsy and you were trying to watch the red zone it changed too often you would have just started to have a seizure it was in tribox the entire time didn't like it yeah i i agree didn't like it also scott hansen is better than siciliano i said it oh are you watching siciliano now it's we have direct tv here i'm sorry siciliano he's not a gambler's friend let's just say that he doesn't get it a lot of things that were if I hadn't been watching the because you know we have direct TV now and so we actually can watch every single game the full broadcast but we also have red zone on with the the sound he did a lot of things where I was like you can't get our hopes up like that uh-huh like called back interceptions and oh there was aceptions. You cannot do that.
There was a Hail Mary in one game where I think it was Scott Hansen did this too. Where he was like, and they're going for the Hail Mary.
And it was batted down to the ground. I thought I'd make it interesting for you guys.
It was like, Scott, you can't do that. But the thing about Scott and Siciliano is no matter what side you're on, if you grow up watching Siciliano on Red Zone you love Siciliano if you grow up watching Scott Hanson on Red Zone you love Scott Hanson they have fiercely loyal fan bases that just made me sad though because we didn't grow up on either because Red Zone came around like 10 years ago by grow up I know I know it may be sad knowing that there are kids who are like what there's a world where there wasn't Red Zone also, their voices sound scarily alike.
Yes. Why don't they have a red zone for just like hosted by a gambler who can just be like, hey, if you bet this game, you're fucked.
Yeah, like that's all they say. Plays that only matter against the spread or the over.
Be like, hey, we're going to go real quick to Carolina where Ron Rivera didn't kick a field goal to go up seven. So if you have minus three, you're that's not a bad idea yeah the bet zone like hey if you have the under in this or if you have the over in this game and it's the bills titans they're like just forget about it just count it as a loss and move on i don't i don't hate that idea at all actually they tried to do that with fantasy football but they should just switch it over and say like this is the bet zone because if you have an actual like degenerate gambler who hosts it i could tell you a winner a loser it within the first five minutes the problem hey they just ripped off a 10 yard run they're not they're not going to be able to stop them this game's over forget it the problem is if you have a degenerate gambler hosting it then you're going to know exactly what he's losing and on a bad week part of it it's just going to turn into him like throwing shit the studio.
That's part of it. That will be part of the charm.

If I did this, there would be weeks where I would just stop talking for 30 minutes in a row.

You figure it out yourself, assholes.

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Okay. Bill's Titans.
The other game that Red Zone forgot this weekend. PFT.
Yep. The Buffalo Bills are 4-1.
I believe I said after week two, they're going to be a playoff team. They are.
The Bills look good. The defense is fucking awesome.
Hold on. Let me finish.
The Buffalo Bills are 4-1. The Buffalo Bills in their next five games have the Dolphins twice and the Redskins once.
Okay, so that's three losses. The Buffalo Bills are going to be at worst seven and three going in to week 11 i love it i love it i fucking love it the nfl is better when buffalo is a very good football team and i'm a little bit concerned for the people of buffalo because they're getting really amped up they had like a going away party for the team at the airport today yeah they are all in they are pot committed on this season and i i like it i like that josh allen is a big part of it josh allen by the way i like that frank gore is somehow still alive we finally have our uh vince young quarterback and in a good way the chill out in the first half go the fuck off in the second half quarterback of the nfl and that's josh allen because if josh allen needs to score you points late in the game Josh Allen's gonna get you those points by hook or by crook he's gonna do it and I fucking love watching him play and the bills are four and one I'm so happy for the city of Buffalo on the other side the Titans we got the bad Titans this week now yeah because they were favorites if the Titans are favorites they're gonna be bad if they're under, they're going to be bad.
If they're underdogs, they're going to be good. Mike Vrabel's our guy.
Coach Vrabel is a great coach. One piece of advice.
When you stand out in the rain with a mustache, a mustache looks really bad when wet. It's sadder.
It's like this. I'machioed man i know that when i get when i get poured on by the rain i look a million times sadder like gross every area to more like scarier but everyone looks at you like are you okay man like you got a wet mustache looks like your mouth's crying yeah i've seen that It's not.
On the other hand, it was kind of like that movie, what's the one with John Cusack standing

out holding the boom box over his head?

Is that say anything?

Stay by me.

Stay by me.

Usual suspects.

Shawshank 2.

High Fidelity.

Okay, John Cusack, High Fidelity.

Yeah, we're going to go with High Fidelity.

He was in the rain in High Fidelity.

Yeah, he was out there in the rain.

Also in the rain.

Because in Tennessee, you can't have any speakers on the field when it's not raining because they'll blow up and catch fire. Marcus Mariota looked okay at times today, but he is the most boring quarterback in the NFL, the most boring starting quarterback in the NFL.
Well, his offensive line didn't do him any favors, and we do this every single week. You guys know this segment that we do.
It's called Read a Random Quote. We do it all the time.
We've been doing it since the inception of this show. For four years, we've been doing Read a Random Quote.
So I'm going to read a random quote. Go for it.
This one's from Jordan Phillips, who had three sacks. I was really happy Luan came back today.
I'm glad he could be part of that today. Shaq Lawson said another random quote talking about Taylor Luan.
We knew what his weakness was. He gives up inside moves, and this was an inside game.
He's a fake tough guy. He was quiet today.
That was read a random quote. Well, we should probably also give some, like, we should give a couple seconds to talk about their kicking game.
Yeah, Tyro Santos. They did miss a shitload of field goals.
And then Vrabel, in the ultimate football guy move, was like, okay, you've missed three already. I'm going to send you out there to kick a 53-yarder.
And then he missed it by about a school bus to the left. Honestly, the way the Titans are built, where it's defense and you don't know which Marcus Mariota you're going to get, I would trade a first-round pick for Justin Tucker.
Okay. Just be like, we're going to win games with field goals.
Field goals are more valuable to a team like the Titans than every other team in the NFL. Sabermetrically, they're worth four.
Right. Yeah, I agree, but if you're the Ravens, would you give up Justin Tucker for a first-rounder? Yes.
For a first-rounder? You would? Yeah. First-rounder? Finding a kicker is hard.
Yeah, we'll get hank but yeah first rounder i think i would i think i would um yeah that was read a random quote okay that's interesting so they were all about taylor luon that was totally random he came back glad to have him back got it uh yeah so that was this was the other game that the red zone forgot we just never saw it never saw a second or three three scores actually they did show they showedro Santos missing his last field goal. Right.
And they only cut to that because they're like, holy shit, he's missed three. And they're having him try this.
Golden Sombrero watch. Okay.
Would your same logic apply for Josh Allen, though, with the running around? Like, he would scare the shit out of me if I was a Buffalo fan. Oh, yes.
Absolutely. When he gets out, it's the same thing as Lamar Jackson.
He got smoked just as bad as he did in the Patriots game. Same shit, not looking.
He got absolutely crushed. Running quarterbacks are very, like, it's not science.
It's hard for them to stay healthy because they're just going to get smoked, and they're getting hit by guys that are faster and stronger. Yeah, I would absolutely be scared if I were a Bills fan watching Josh Allen throw.
I would be excited, but I'd also be scared.

If he gets hurt, they're just going to bring back Tyree Jackson

because he's the exact same size as Josh Allen,

and they're going to run the exact same plays that they run for Josh.

Or T-Mobile.

That's actually a big part of it.

Where's Tyra Taylor?

A big part of being a backup quarterback in the NFL

is just having the exact same body dimensions as your starter

so that people kind of – you look like a starter.

You look like the guy I've been watching for the last five weeks.

Right.

That also is the perfect explanation when anyone wants to say Kaepernick doesn't know anyone's offense. Yes.
Well, he doesn't know their offense. That's true.
So it makes sense, right? Okay. Bears-Raiders.
Can we imagine if Buffalo got a home playoff game? We'll be there. Yes, absolutely.
That's a guarantee. We'll be there.
Saturday night? What if they gave them Saturday night? Wild cards. They, I don't, I think.
Oh, no, they can't because they're going to. I think the NFL would be negligent.
We're idiots anyway. They're not going to win the AFC East.
So how would they get a home playoff game? They could if they won the AFC East. Okay, so they're going to win the AFC East.
They might. Yeah.
And if the Patriots get a bye, could they potentially get one in that first weekend? No, because they'd be a wild card and they'd have to play. All right, yeah.
It was fun while last. We had a couple good seconds there.
Well, no. If they, okay.
They're the fifth seed and they go to the AFC Championship game, and the sixth seed also goes. Okay.

There it is. There we go.

Okay, done.

Problem solved.

Texans-Bills.

In Buffalo.

AFC Championship game.

Yes.

All right, Bears-Raiders.

Yes, let's talk about Bears-Raiders.

I just wrote down I'm sad.

I know you're upset about this, Big Cat.

I'm very upset.

But going to London and expecting to win with Chase Daniel,

you shouldn't be that disappointed.

Good point. It doesn't count when you have to go to London with a backup quarterback exactly like you can you can have Chase Daniel win you a couple games but you can't expect him to go to a different country and win a game let's focus on just being at home I uh there was the post game poll on uh i think it was comcast Sportsnet in Chicago, and it was like, you need Mitch back.
Keep going with Chase Daniel. Then there was an option, Tyler Bray time, and it had 65% of the votes.
That shit braced. So the parody of the Chicago Bears season continues where we're just going to keep going down the line of quarterbacks.
But that guy, the new backup. England is not meant for guys named Chase.
We were a little hard on guys named Chase earlier. There are things that you can do if you're a Chase.
One of them is definitely not going to England and winning a football game. That's like, it's like Jared Goff in Minnesota.
This is like a Chase cannot succeed if you need a passport for him to succeed this was the roller coaster of all roller coasters

because at halftime i said to myself i gave myself the entire speech of why are you so dumb why did you think this bears team could do anything without an offense you're so stupid to get your hopes up like you're just stops caring about sports then they came all the way back and i was like we were never going to lose to the Raiders.

All in.

And then you can't give up a punt a fake punt and still win a game and once you stop them once mentally and then Derek Carr goes down the field and listen the Bears have a bye so I reserve the right to take back everything I'm about to say in two weeks when the Bears get ready for the next game. But the Bears are fucked.
I don't think so. For the future.
I don't think they're fucked for the future. We've gone all in.
And we have no offense. And the schedule is going to be insanely hard coming up.
And they are not a well-balanced team. And you can't expect the defense to be incredible every single week.

And the Bears are officially fucked.

And this was a Mr. Risky draft is now the Sam Bowie draft.

No, you don't want to say that.

You're going to regret saying that at some point.

Watching Patrick Mahomes and Sean Watson.

People are fucking photoshopping Patrick Mahomes in a Bears jersey and sending it to him.

Which would you rather have?

A quarterback with a sprained ankle?

Which is worse than a break, a lot of people say. Or a quarterback with a non-throwing shoulder injury? Hey, here's a spin zone.
Interesting. I would take the guy that's still got a good wing.
Mitch's job is safe because Chase Daniel's not the guy. And we did this exact same thing last year.
But we did this exact same thing last year where Chase Daniel won a game in Detroit and then went to New York and lost.

And we're like, wait, he's not the guy.

In addition to this being a London asterisk, it's also a John Gruden revenge game against himself asterisk.

For trading away Khalil Mack.

Let me be nice.

He had something to prove in that.

And the pick that he got back had three touchdowns.

Oh, yeah, that's a good point.

Also, big hat, the Raiders beat the Falcons, and the Falcons beat the Eagles, and the pick that he got back had three touchdowns oh that's yeah that's a good point also big hat the raiders beat the falcons and the falcons beat the eagles and the eagles beat the packers so ipso facto you guys are better than the packers i'm gonna say some nice things about the raiders because they deserve it it is impressive what john gruden is doing that's two wins last week against the colts this week against the bears that i didn't see coming and he had every right to mock club dub in the postgame I think this is like when you get your turnover chain snatched I think club dub is dead because John Gruden said you gotta have a disco ball yeah you have to do something new if you get mocked you lose and get mocked of your fun thing I think you have to move on to the next I think John Gruden just lives his entire life in a club dub. He's just always pumped about everything.
So anytime a football game's over, he's going to be dancing. He probably took the Hooters airplane all the way over to London.
He's probably having a blast flying back right now. It didn't help that we went straight from the Bears game right into the Packers just dominating the Cowboys.
But anyway, it was a bad Sunday. Where's the panic button? I'm panicking.
Like I said, I reserve the right to change my opinion on all of this in two weeks when I know that I'll get myself excited and say the Bears are back and fire off a bunch of tweets how awesome they are but as we sit right now I'm in full panic mode I'm in full do we have to start rebuilding again I don't think you have to rebuild anything I think it's disaster. I think you need to take a chill pill.
Okay.

I think I'm going to write you a prescription for a chill pill right now, Big Cat.

You can't lose the game.

You're flying off the handle, and it's way too early to get suicidal, Big Cat.

I need your expectations.

From a selfish standpoint, I need you to be thinking NFC Championship game

for as long as possible throughout the season.

Tyler Bray.

Let's go.

Let's go.

I'm all in on Tyler Bray. He wasn't that bad in college.
Bray Bray. Bray Bray.
Let's go. Let's go.
I'm all in on Tyler. He wasn't that bad in college.
Bray, Bray, Bray. Let's go.
Let's go, Tyler. You got this, bro.
Okay. Next up, we have Vikings Giants.
Yes. Holy shit.
Kirk Cousins. This did it again.
This was you motherfucker. I think we penciled this in as a Kirk Cousins game where he was going to get right.
He was going to get right. It's a perfect Kirk Cousins game, the apology bowl.
He said he was sorry to Adam Thielen. We all knew that you were sorry quarterback, Kirk Cousins.
Now Adam Thielen knows. And everyone knew that he was going to throw multiple touchdowns to him to make sure that he's happy, give him a little pat on the head.
He played the perfect game. The perfect Kirk Cousins game.
Kirk Cousins, you're good. You're really good.
And I don I don't mean good as a quarterback I mean you're good in the fact that whenever whenever everyone says you stink you throw in a good performance against a bad opponent and everyone says oh Kirk Cousins not bad this was also a game for Mike Zimmer that he was going to go into just like ready to fucking blast off because he hates anyone that's getting a lot of media attention, especially if you're a quarterback and Daniel Jones has been getting crowned. And Mike Zimmer, first of all, he hates his own quarterbacks.
Okay. He would prefer the game were played without quarterbacks because they take the good parking spots.
They don't chew red, red man, triple option. They, yeah, he would like to go back to like the, the West point offensive 1941.
But going against daniel jones who's been getting like a lot of rookie accolades he came into this game just being like you know what this kid might look like my ideal son-in-law but this kid should not be getting all this press i'm gonna beat the shit out of him i have a bone to pick with daniel jones now i'm not gonna put this game on him because that was just a you knew that he was gonna have a have a rookie game eventually, and he has no one around him. Saquon Barkley didn't play his – what's the other guy's name? Gallman? Yeah.
He got hurt. He had no one.
Like, he was – the Vikings defense is still very good, and they had a good game plan. Daniel Jones, if he's going to be the heir apparent to Eli Manning, he's got to work on his dumb face he he kept his mouth closed that's sad open that mouth dude I don't know what like I was trying to get a screen grab of him off the the TV he just wouldn't open his mouth so he sat there like a normal person with his mouth closed disappointed in himself dude we need these pictures this is what fans need we need you to to walk around with your mouth wide open looking dumb if you want to be the new york giants quarterback also you need to stand directly next to eli manning more yes because we need more of those sideline screen grabs where people are like hey are they related because it's just so funny to see like okay this is just young eli standing next to old eli and you're right people always say like I wish closed minds came with closed mouths well you got your wish in Daniel Jones yes and I agree I'd like to see him look dumber he looks dumber in his pre-game walk-up which has become one of the sweetest traditions in sports is to film Daniel Jones walking in to the Meadowlands wearing whatever Coles like two for 20 shirt that he got off the rack earlier that day I I love those shots.
I need more of them, but he needs to work on a sideline dumbness. Yes, it's not up to par yet.
But yeah, I mean, I'm not going to hold. I really won't hold this game against him because it's just it was going to happen.
And he and guess what? The Giants. We have a lot of Giants fans in this office, and they obviously get very hyped up and sold themselves on.
Hey, maybe the Giants will make some noise they have a ultimately a very flawed roster and they were not they're not they're not good over like overall like talent-wise have we played the name Giants game yet to see how many wins they're gonna get yeah we could do it go Golden Tate Saquon Barkley Daniel Jones uh Sterling Shepard uh Eli Apple got traded okay so that's for Lyndon Collins got let go yeah Evan Ingram yep Goldman would one I said Goldman okay penny yeah penny I think I think we've settled on about five to six wins for the Giants yeah that, that's about it. That's all I got.
Okay, the other New York team, Jets-Eagles. Well, to be fair, Falk didn't get any of the reps this week with the ones because he thought Darnold would be back.
Adam Gase is going to get fired. Got some spleening to do on that one.
He's got some spleening to do. Yeah.
Big time. On what planet do you just give Sam Darnold all the reps in practice and then give him the spleen test on the weekend afterwards? Right.
Or how about just lie and say that you gave Luke Falk all the – I think the media gets to sit in there for 20 minutes before they start going. Just have Luke Falk do all the first-team reps for those 20 minutes just so that you don't look as dumb as you look when you had your third-string quarterback go into a game in Philadelphia with zero first-team reps this week.
Yeah, or just make out with Sam Darnold at the start of the week. See if you're symptomatic by the weekend.
And if you're not, then boom, he gets the ball. Here's something nice about the Jets.
They scored their first offensive touchdown since week one.

That's really nice about him.

That's I had to read that twice when I saw that.

That's really nice.

You know, what's been tough this year is watching Mike Greenberg just like slowly fold into himself.

Yeah.

Just acknowledging the fact that his team, this is really the first time in a long time that I think Greeny has has accepted his fate to the point where he's saying, should we just trade Le'Veon Bell? Yeah, they should. Should we just get rid of him? And they're going to fire Adam Gase.
I honestly think they will fire him. I don't think so.
After one year, yes. I mean, the Cardinals did it last year.
Like, him or Gruden, he didn't last longer. Oh, Gruden's already gone.
Jay Gruden might be gone by the time you're listening to this right now. Oh, my God.
Is Jay Gruden going to go be like a quality control coach for the Raiders? That's going to be awesome. I don't think him and John like each other.
I mean, come on. I don't think they get a water, dude.
I think that Jay is the Blake of the Gruden family where he's a little bit more chill. He's got the man boobs popping out a little bit, likes to smoke the dope, as we've seen.
I don't think that John approves of Jay's freewheeling lifestyle. If you're going to hit on chicks, it should be within the confines of a restaurant.
We'll do that game in a second. I just had one more point about the Eagles-Jets game.
So the Eagles look great. You can't judge anything off of the Jets, but they're starting to round into form.
This also was the annual Mike Trout goes to an Eagles game in early October. Yep.
That's not a shot at Mike Trout. No, it's not.
But he always goes to an Eagles game in early October. When he could be playing baseball, theoretically.
There is baseball being played, but Mike Trout's at the Eagles. Mike Trout is...
Again, not a shot at Mike Trout. He's the MVP.
He's the best player in baseball. But he's always at the Eagles week six.
I got to say, I like how they labeled him at the bottom of the screen

because Mike Trout, I don't know if he's getting heavier

or if he's just entering the phase of his life

where he looks like a bouncer out of Mumford in some concert,

but he looked like a bully.

He was like a grade school bully.

He's a Doyle.

He morphed back into Philly Mike Trout.

Orange County Mike Trout, Philly Mike Trout.

He should get the Philly fanatic's nose tattooed around his little butt-chin

dimple that he has.

I'm not going to tell Mike Trout what he should and shouldn't do,

but if I were Mike Trout, I'd go on a vacation for a couple weeks

before I went to the Eagles game.

I'd make sure I didn't go to the very first Eagles game on the schedule,

home Eagles game on the schedule, as soon as the season ended. He probably bought those tickets back in May.
He's like, yeah, I got nothing. Oh, we'll win that one.
I got to get to that one. Yeah.
I'd probably wait till November to start going to Eagles games. That's just me.
Uh, all right. So Redskins Patriots.
Yes. The Redskins had the first lead against the Patriots of any team this year.
Yeah. How about that? How about that? And I was thinking for a second that blueprint was out to beating the Patriots.
Just have a 65 yard run where the Patriots missed like four tackles. I thought, I thought actually Bill Belichick was putting out a fake blueprint because that's something that bill would do is like, give, like give up a very bad first quarter, maybe even first half to an inferior team so that other teams later think that they know how to beat you right but he's just laying that out as rat poison it's like boy i sure hope other teams don't try starting their third strength quarterback against us and having their head coach caught smoking weed the night before the game oh so let's talk about those videos those videos have been around forever what videos we've seen them jay gruden uh having a good time in saratoga new york in the summer of 2017 those when did they come out though weirdly so we saw them two years ago yeah they weirdly came out right after jay gruden announced that colt mccoy was going to start and not uh bruce allen and dan snyder's boy dwayne haskins yeah and the week after he stuck it to Bruce Allen by putting Dwayne Haskins in the game to show him that he wasn't good.
I'll say this about Dan Snyder. He is excellent at undermining coaches.
This is his bread and butter. He can suck at everything else that he does, but he is awesome at taking a guy who's calling bingo numbers in a fucking old folks community, bringing them in to undermine the head coach.
People forget about that one. He's great at undermining his head coach by taking offensive strategy notes from your starting quarterback's dad.
He'll do that. That happened.
I mean, the list could really go on, but this is a classic play out of the Snyder and Bruce Allen playbook. And credit to us for not leaking these videos two years ago.

Yes.

Credit to us to the point where I think they even knew.

I mean, Jay Gruden knew that they existed and he probably knew eventually they're going

to just try to put these out.

And you know what?

As I don't see how they're bad other than maybe the fact that Jay Gruden's married,

whatever.

But otherwise, he's a party boy.

He wasn't kissing anybody.

It was a party boy. He's a party boy.
Saratoga. You've been to Saratoga in the summer? It's a party atmosphere.
Gotta have fun. The best was the one where he was smoking something and then he saw somebody videotaped him.
He was like, come on. And the guy was like, Jay, Jay, Jay, just to really make sure that everyone knew that it was Jay Gruden.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so I actually won't hold these videos against him whatsoever, just like Daniel Jones' performance.
It's the not holding anything against anyone podcast. I'm not judging.
In fact, I think that Jay Gruden is about to be in for the next, like the best month of his life. He's going to get fired.
He's going to be gone by the time the same podcast airs. The best part, the Redskins are like a boat.
Have you ever heard that old saying where it's like, the best day of your life is when you get the keys to the Redskins, and the second best day of your life is the day you give them back. Yes.
And you get the hell out of there and you get to move on. You get to go.
Yeah. Maybe you'll go be a quality control guy in Vegas.
It's, it's so ridiculous though, that they basically Bruce Allen and Dan Snyder release these videos, just trying to get Jay Gruden fired and not having to pay him. I don't think you can not pay a coach because he had a little fun in the summer when he

wasn't on the clock.

Because he's smoking weed.

Yeah, I think.

Yeah.

I'm not.

I'm not ecstatic about firing Jay Gruden.

He's going to get fired.

He's going to get fired.

He's going to be fired.

But then I start to think, what are the options for replacing him?

Yeah.

What are the options if we're going down the list?

Dwayne Haskins.

Dwayne Haskins as head coach slash backup quarterback. Joe Gibbs.
Bring him more time I don't think that's going to happen I don't think that I think Joe Gibbs made the right call and getting the hell out of there Steve Spurrier tell you what doesn't have a job Steve you can coach from home yes it'll be like a remote do you have a dial-up connection good enough for us okay okay I have two questions just Skype in at halftime PFT i have two questions for you uh seaky questions promo code take put in code take you get ten dollars off seake thank you to seake uh one when are the redskins going to actually do a reasonable thing as an nfl franchise and trade trent williams and ryan kerrigan oh yeah trent williams so he hasn't played on the team at all this year. Right.
He says he won't play. And they've been offered multiple.
This is just a game of chicken is what it is. It's just who's going to blink first.
And Dan Snyder is so coked up that he never blinks. Does he realize they have zero wins? Does he realize that you should be tanking, actively tanking now and trading all assets? You don't understand, Big Cat, is that Dan Snyder's best friends are the players that he's drafted.
Right. They're his best homies.
He hangs out with them a ton. They're just real cool, and they all love him and respect him.
So he couldn't stand to do that to Trent Williams and get rid of him. Okay, two.
I like Ryan Kerrigan, by the way. No, I know, but he should be set free.
Yes, he should. Right.
And this is what being a Redskins fan is. This is what I live for, is having the players that i like on the team that i root for go somewhere else and be successful right that's my personal super they should set him free let him play for a contender two you guys are playing the dolphins was it next week two weeks next week the toilet bowl if the redskins lose to the dolphins uh-huh do you draft to them well it's a game yes you i think you have to but But, but, but.
The toilet bowl. If the Redskins lose to the Dolphins, do you draft Tua? It's a game.
Yes, I think you have to. But they won't.
But they won't. Because they draft Dwayne Haskins.
And I like Dwayne Haskins. Do you? Yeah, I mean, he's not ready, very obviously.
I would like Tua a lot more. Listen, what's going to happen is Bruce Allen and Dan Snyder will not draft Tua.
They'll trade down, and giving the Redskins more first-round draft picks to screw up without somebody that knows what they're doing around is actually the worst thing they could do. The Josh Rosen, Kyler Murray is the blueprint for it.
You draft Tua. If you are the number one pick and you're the Redskins, you draft Tua.
You have to. And they won't.
But you have to. Hank, because your team is part of this, the Patriots, scale of 0, 1 to 10, how concerned are you about your kicker? Very concerned.
It's bad. It's also very like writing on the wall, the Patriots are firing on all cylinders except for one aspect of the game that's like basically impossible to control for Belichick.
But Gostkowski's not on the team anymore. The Super Bowl's in Miami.
Gostkowski can't kick in Miami. Mike Nugent is somehow worse.
Now you've got the Nuge. Cat scratch fever.
I have no confidence with Mike Nugent. Trey Winkle made that joke.
Did he really? Yes. Just the name.
Good thing I said it ironically. He sounds like a 50-year-old.
Mike Nugent sounds like he's been in the league for 25 years yeah he has pretty much he's been around angles he was he was one of those guys that i think he went to the bangles just because he played at ohio state yeah and they're like oh he's a local guy he'll fit in he doesn't have to look for an apartment yeah i mean it's fine for the regular season but once you get into the playoffs every point matters and that like, okay, fuck. Hey, Hank.
We've got a few weeks to figure it out. As someone who's kind of just lived that, the kicking problems don't go away.
They somehow get worse. Also, having a bad kicker.
Why is getting a kicker so hard? I don't know. It's crazy.
It's crazy. They're really great scapegoats, though.
So it's almost worth it having a shitty kicker. No, it's still not worth it.
If you're a team

that's on the bubble.

You would think having kids

on scholarship in college

that like for four years

they're just kicking

all day long.

Gold posts are water.

This is why,

I actually, you know what?

Justin Tucker's worth

two first rounders now.

Now that we've had

this conversation.

Justin Tucker for Jalen Ramsey

straight up.

He never misses.

He never misses.

Okay, next up we have...

He did miss that extra point

against the Saints. Remember that last year? Oh yeah, yeah.
He really screwed us over. Once they moved the extra point back, like kickers.
It got in all their heads. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
It's like not being able to see a couple balls go through the hoop. Like they didn't get a couple free throws to be like, okay, I can still shoot.
And now they just miss everything. Did you see Dan Snyder evacuating the stadium right after the game no so right right after the game's over i'm talking within minutes he hopped into a convoy of black suvs and sped through the the concourse at fedex field he's got like his own highway yeah that he built for himself to get out of there after the games usually he sticks around for a little bit probably gets drunk and thinks about what he's going to screw up next.
This time he immediately hopped in his car and they sped out.

They had to go to the Nats game.

It looked like a scene.

That's right.

That's probably where all the DC fans were today, by the way.

Not at the game.

Right.

They were waiting for Natitude.

But it looked like a scene out of House of Cards where you're just seeing this big government.

Yeah.

We can't say House of Cards anymore.

I mean, I'd rather have Kevin Spacey as the owner of my team than Dan Stutter. Okay, next up we have Jaguars-Panthers.
Do you think that the Jaguars should trade Nick Foles? Yeah. Is this you fishing to see if it's possible to get him on the Bears? No, I'm not.
I think Carter Minshew. No, no, no, no.
I think you have our quarterback. Because here's.
Rex is our quarterback. This is such a classic dilemma for any team that has Nick Foles on it.
Because he's never going to look like he's better. Ever.
Right. It doesn't matter who he's competing against.
Gardner Minshew just looks like he's better. Well, if they're naked.
That's very, very true. Yeah.
But Gardner Minshew. And fully clothed, or at least in a jock strap and armbands.
Gardner Minshew looks like a winner foals looks like a loser i just seen enough that yeah he had a few costly fumbles today but even at the end of the game i was like he's gonna do this and they somehow kept on getting penalties and getting closer and closer but gardner minchu and we're just talking cost now you control him for what the next four years six round picks so I don't think you can do the whole like fifth year bump and everything. But still, you could then build around the next three years.
Gardner Minshew on the cheap and be like, we can do this. I think that a guy like Jalen Ramsey would be more likely to stick around to with Gardner Minshew, because if you have a guy like that, he play.
No, he was in Houston today. Oh, my God.
Hanging out with Deshaun Watson after the game. Oh, my God.
So that made sense.

Yeah.

I guess he's still on paternity leave, which is fine.

Which is fine.

Right.

I think that as a father.

Careful.

As a father in America, you should be allowed to take all the time.

You know a dad.

I know some of my best friends are dads.

Yeah, I'm right here.

Yeah.

You can do as long as you want.

You did.

How long was your like six hours?

Yeah.

Six hours with the paternity leave and you got right back behind the microphone? I'm not saying he's a better dad than you. No.
Has he even had the kid? I just want to say that. I don't know if he's had the kid.
Who knows? I don't think he has. I think he went pre-paternity leave.
He's just like, you know what? She's really pregnant. And he's not even with her.
She doesn't live in Houston. She's having a hard time getting around the house.
But he's in the same time zone as her. Yeah, that's true.
That's huge for text messaging. Also, a little knock on Minshew here.
He had, what, three fumbles today or four fumbles? Three. Little case of fumble.
I looked up his hand measurements. Ten and a quarter, so they're good.
They were the second biggest in his entire draft class. So that's good.
I think maybe it's because he hit his hand with a hammer. That probably made them swell up and get bigger, actually.
Yeah, and Kyle Allen's doing just good enough to keep the Panthers afloat, and Christian McCaffrey is incredible. Four games with 175 yards plus from scrimmage.
He's incredible. He really is.
I mean, we said this last week, but Ron Rivera has his perfect team in the fact that he can just play some defense and just give Christian McCaffrey 40 touches a game and take years off his life so that they can maybe go 9-7 and miss the wild card. Yeah.
Here you go, Christian. You're going to touch the ball 40 times, and Luke, you're going to get 40 tackles.
And that's how we're going to play football. And we're not going to go to the playoffs.
But they're winning. They are.
And Cam Newton's at home. Now, is it start? Do we have to ask? Yeah.
Cam Newton comes back. What do we do there? Uh-oh.
He's probably enjoying this, though. Cam Newton seems like a guy that would ruin on his team from home.
He's wearing his – he unbuttons his corset a little bit. He's sending hieroglyphic text messages.
Wipes his brow with his fedora. Kyle Allen.
I hope that he gets dressed up for games that he's not playing in. Yeah, what has he been doing? Has he been getting dressed up? I assume that he has.
If he hasn't, it would be actually funny if he comes back and he's like, hey guys, haven't seen you in a while to the reporters and does a costume change like four times like quick change. The halftime guy, he does a quick change during the post game being like like hey i have to get a few fits off here i'm looking at pictures of cam newton recently it looks like he actually hasn't been on instagram so he is off the radar right i assume you can't just turn that off if you're if you're a guy that wears like a uh a burka you have you on game day you have to do that when you're not playing too yes yes uh okay next up we have falcons texans my pinky is so fucking safe do i need to do another pinky team i don't want to tempt it no i think okay i think this is this is part of the deal these two teams continued next year this was a matt schaub revenge game yes it was a pinky revenge game it was a matt schaub revenge game and it's funny that you chose the falcons as this year's pinky team because they are like the generic prescription version of the texans right in every way shape and form yes except they the texans now have an mvp candidate quarterback whereas the falcons used to when did he get drafted deshaun watson yeah three years ago okay uh ready for this arthur blank quote yeah why who else got drafted three years ago arthur blank he's oh pat mahomes that's right arthur blank he's disappointed but supports dan quinn you're dead you know what you're dead you know i just fucking realized right now why can't you be a winner dan because dank win yeah it's like a really cool for that's you You can put that on T-shirts.shirt.
He's dead. As soon as the owner says, but I support my coach, it's over, dude.
It's over. Especially if you have Arthur Blank just like hovering behind you like a ghost all the time.
You can't have a, but I support my coach. That means that's as clear as day, you do not support your coach.
And you know what? Dan Quinn probably deserves to get fired because he's a defensive guy, and we found the recipe to keep Deshaun Watson safe. Just have him play the Atlanta Falcons every week.
It's not a bad idea. Houston, Texas have an awful offensive line.
Deshaun Watson gets killed. They did not sack him once.
He threw five touchdowns. He went absolutely off.
You should be ashamed of yourself, Dan Quinn. You need to go back to Pete Carroll, back to Pete Carroll's little, like, you know, maybe have it be a kangaroo.
He goes back into Pete Carroll's pouch. He learns his defense again, and then he comes back out a new man in three years.
Yeah, you know what? We haven't had a good Pete Carroll defensive coordinator hire as a head coach in a while. Yes.
We're missing that element. It's all – the pendulum has swung to the young, short, hot offensive coordinator.
Let's bring it back to the old, bald, goateed defensive coordinator that looks kind of like he's seven points higher in IQ than a strength coach. He looks like he would be – he would play Mr.
Clean in a porno. Yeah, Mr.
Cream. Just enough.
There you go. Just enough.
Hey, your floors look a little dirty. Sorry, babe.
I made a big mess. Did you know Deshaun Watson was a ball boy for the Falcons? I did not know that.
That's fascinating. I'm issuing an alert to the Texans.
Uh-oh. Hank, hit the alert noise.
Hit the alert noise, please. Thank you.
That sounds like the new segment alert. But, yeah, that's what this is.
Alert is a new segment. And it's a can this team win in the cold alert to the Texans.
Nope. And here's the only reason I bring it up.
Is that any team that scores 50 points in early October? 50-burger? I just have to say, can they win in the cold? Because, hey, the offense looks great right now. What about when it gets cold outside? No, they're like the Chiefs.
Soft. Yep.
Soft. Rods.
Soft. They don't run the ball in a traditional sense.
They've got Deshaun Watson who can run for 70, 80, 90 yards. Right.
But they don't run it. They don't go behind the guards.
Are they afraid to go inside? Nope. Are they afraid to maul you? They don't look like a road grader.
They don't look like much coming off the bus on their offensive line. The other thing that I had a note of is there's no player who is as aware of what's happening in local sports as J.J.
Watt is. No.
About what's happening in Houston sports. So whether it's like Garrett Cole.
Yes. Twirled a gym the other day.
We're going to talk baseball soon., don't worry And then he did like a fake pitch To do an homage He did an Alex Bregman chest tap To show him The synergy They had Bum Phillips when he passed away He did the hat thing, the hat celebration God damn, this guy gets it He doesn't win in the playoffs There a little nod to chris paul he gets it he gets it yeah he absolutely gets it he understands the importance of acknowledging other good athletes yeah he understands to the point where he's dating one like yeah hey you guys you guys watch sports right you're watching me right now you probably watch other sports let me do all these other sports things and you know what he nailed it he absolutely also i love deshaun watson dunking on reporters postgame. This is a new thing, right? He didn't actually dunk on anybody, but he just explained in great detail the defense.
We need to have... In a more understandable way than Dan Quinn probably could.
When's the Rams bye week? We need to have Sean McVay go and ask Deshaun Watson a question after a game. Be like, actually, that's not what happened.
And just have a dunk off. That would be nice.
And have a dunk on each other. each other uh okay before we get to our next one we have two games left and then we're going to get to some who's back but football fans are you an Amazon Prime member did you know that you have Thursday Night Football that's right Thursday Night Football has returned to Prime Video for a third season the cool thing is you can catch all the action on your TV on the web web, or on your mobile anywhere in the world.
And the experience is next level with prime videos, x-ray feature. You can access next gen stats, play history and team information.
And now it's available on iOS, Android fire tablets and fire TV. And if you're ready to hear a new take on the game, you can switch over to sport broadcast legends, Hannah storm and Andrea Kramer for the play by-play so if you don't have cable or simply want to experience the future of football tune in this thursday coverage begins at 7 p.m eastern and kickoff is at 8 20 p.m eastern also available on fox and nfl network nfl network simulcast subject to change thursday night football is presented by bud light platinum broncos chargers the other game that red zone somehow about, despite the fact it was one of two games being played in the late slot.
Yes. Vic Fangio.
Clap for Vic. Vic Fangio won and three.
Brian Flores, you're on the clock. You're in trouble, dude.
Good job, Vic. Vic won a game.
And congrats. The defense was good.
And the Chargers are done. I'm done with the Chargersgers they're my done chain of the week oh shit okay um i wanted to actually say thank you to anthony lynn and and say apology accepted he apologized to me personally and all fans for having to watch that damn game yeah so i accountability are you cool with my done chain yeah they're done like they're on the chargers it's it's i'm done with i used to buy into the chargers hype i used to say oh my god look at all these weapons they have and i love phil rivers i'm done with them they can't they'll never be what they think they are they'll never be what i want them to right they're like a son that's disappointed me over and over again and finally i'm just accepting the fact that you know what you know what? You're just going to be in my basement for a while, and that's fine.
Well, at this point, with the Phil Rivers late down, late in the fourth quarter, late on a Sunday afternoon, which is a joke we've been making for a long time, it's now getting to the point where it's like you go to the same bar, and then you look around, and you're like, I'm kind of over this. Time to move on on phil rivers it's not funny anymore because it happens every single week and it's sad every single week yeah he he throws the helmet he's he's walking off after uh you know missed fourth down guys are fumbling guys can't get to the end zone it's just the whole thing is sad and you know what i love you phil rivers.
That anecdote that we saw about the last time the Broncos and Chargers played in week 17 last year when he said, hey, he was trash talking to a guy, trash talking to someone who intercepted him. He said, hey, you mother freaker.
You got lucky, man. I didn't see you.
I love your game, man. You're a good player.
He says mother freaker. Mother freaker.
That's great. I love you, Phil Rivers, but I have to quit you.
There was one point during this game where he was just staring at the sun. The camera did a close-up on him.
He was just observing the sun, eyes wide open. The big, deep breath in through his nose.
He looks back. He's drinking it all in, man.
I love you, Phil Rivers, but I have to quit you because I can't handle it anymore. I want success, and never going to happen the chargers are going to go eight and eight they're going to win a couple games they'll win look at their schedule what hank pull up their schedule do they have a sunday night game against a team they shouldn't they're playing next week in prime time against the steelers well that one they should win yeah and they'll win that one and because duck will be because duck yeah Duck will be playing.
But who else do they have later in the season? They got the Chiefs. In primetime? Yep.
8-15 and the Raiders at 8-20. Okay, so they'll beat the Chiefs.
And the Vikings. Well, that's an auto win because it's Kirk Cousins in primetime.
Kirk Cousins against a decent defense. So they'll beat the Chiefs in primetime, and everyone will say, look out for the Chargers.
They're the team, and I and i'll be one of them saying that and they just won't do it they're probably going to lose to the raiders i'm done with i feel like i feel like they lose to the raiders when they should beat them yeah tough break chargers done chain should i i was i was going to put the done chain on on the bears but i'm not no i'm not going to i feel like that would be me we have a bye week that would be piling on we're going to point. We're going to get it right.
Speaking of bye weeks, let's say something nice about the Dolphins. Oh, they didn't lose.
They didn't lose this week. Congratulations.
Good job. And you have the Redskins, a winnable game.
Yep. Coming up.
No one got arrested during the bye week yet. That we know of.
That we know of. You haven't had an offensive line coach do cocaine on live feed, so that's good.
This year. This okay last game cowboys packers aaron rogers owns the cowboys in dallas i saw his status five and oh in that building and he did the thing where you can't have this if you're a team that wants to be taken seriously and aaron rogers said he loves going there and he loves being there and it's like the the intimidation factor is at a zero.
Right. I feel like the Cowboys, every single time they have a home game against a marquee franchise, half the stadiums, the other fans.
And he, I think Aaron Rodgers is going to kill Skip Bayless. Yeah.
I think he's going to kill him. Yeah.
Skip Bayless is freaking out. Brought out the Mason Crossbar tweets, obviously.
And you're right. he's not intimidated by the dome.
He's not intimidated by Jerry Jones, who's a drunk owner that thinks that he knows more than all the coaches because Aaron Rodgers is used to playing in front of 30,000 drunk owners that think that they know more than the coaches. Right.
This is home away from home for him. I think that one playoff win, if you win a game like that, that you have absolutely no business walking away with a W, you feel entitled to that state.
Crossbar. Yeah.
He said, Skip Hill said, I'm convinced Aaron Rodgers has some kind of hex over the Cowboys pins in voodoo dolls. Question mark, question mark, question mark.
The Des catch the Mason crossbar cross country field goals. Now this now this this is right up.
How about this is just Dak Prescott didn't play very well and your defense couldn't stop the run at all. And the Packers, it's unfair.
They basically are switched. Their defense wasn't that good today.
But the fact that they have a running game now, I have a take. Aaron Jones had four touchdowns.
I have a take about this, about Dak Prescott. I think you should pay him right now.
I think that every week that you go without paying him is a week that he feels deep down inside like he doesn't deserve that contract so if you give him his money then he starts playing again like a guy that is owed that money well he's clearly the last two weeks Minnesota yeah these last two weeks he has not been playing for his contract I mean we made the joke but I think Jerry Jones is just going to play it like the stock market and wait till he can bottom out and then say, okay, I'll pay you.

I'll pay you this deck.

Jerry Jones, by the way,

he's getting to that part of the season where his team has flaws and he's

realizing that he may die before they ever see another Superbowl.

He said about the flag off the,

the Jason Garrett flag off where he threw the red flag so hard at the ref

that the ref then flagged him.

He said, I hope the little darling didn't hear something he hadn't heard before we should all stop the wheel over that if he got uh abusive language that makes no sense it doesn't all stop the wheel he's half over that when he says if he got a penalty for abusive language.

Yeah.

So he so he's calling out refs, little darlings, all this stuff.

He's mad.

I got a lot of respect for the ref to that flag, though.

Do you see how high in the air?

Oh, yeah.

He knew he had the moment.

It probably hit the scoreboard.

Yes.

We also had Ellen DeGeneres and George W. Bush in the box together.

What do you think they were talking about?

I don't know, but I have a take Hey, Ellen

You like Bush?

Okay, that was cheap

But good

Yeah, yeah

Hey, that right there is a fucking compliment

Ellen, she has a new iPhone

I have a take

I hate people who get the new iPhone within the first month

Thank you. That right there is a fucking compliment.
Ellen, she has a new iPhone. I have a take.

I hate people who get the new iPhone within the first month.

It's such a fucking brag.

Do you think Ellen stood in line somewhere?

Probably not.

It's such a brag.

You know it, too, because they walk around and they're like, I got the new iPhone.

She also did that whole bullshit selfie thing, which wasn't an iPhone thing.

So she's a traitor as well.

Which one?

Wait, at the Oscars? That was a cell phone ad for the Galaxy galaxy or whatever oh yeah and it all said kevin spacey in it yep oh traitor ah very very interesting but don't you guys agree when you when the new iphone comes out i look at my phone my phone barely works anymore it's on a screen like a second it's smashed in a case it's smashed to bits but i listen i have no problem with how i live my life it's exhilarating to be skin on metal every day you wake up bitch about you wake up like almost like shit well yeah no i'm not pitching i'm not pitching hank let me finish you're a fucking schnook eating egg noodles and ketchup every day with your your phone case i'm not pitching at all what i'm saying is i desperately need a new phone obviously because i'm very uh i'm a bad boy and i don't have a case but i would never get the new iphone within the first month because then everyone looks at you and they're like that guy thinks he's better than everyone well it's also the fact that i like hearing people complain about what's wrong about the new iphone and then i feel smart for not getting it all right it's like yeah that's why i didn't upgrade yet if you get it right away then you are the new iphone guy and then you have to keep doing that every time everyone knows the person who gets a new iphone immediately now you're an apple fucking uh robot you probably wear a turtleneck and and start a fake blood company out in silicon valley and get a bunch of billionaires to invest and then you steal their money yep you go out to the the apple conventions and then you clap for the ceo tim apple whenever he shows you a phone he's like oh it's got more pixels yeah oh yeah they invented a watch oh my god it's so cool i love shut up i love the fucking pixels i use all uh apple shit i i'm a robot for them i'm but i will not get a phone within the first i'm here though for ben roethlisberger becoming an apple guy yeah in his retirement like just like out. Well, they don't make a turtleneck big enough to go around Ben Roethlisberger's face.
It's bullshit that iPhones don't come with AirPods either. That is bullshit.
That is bullshit, Hank. I'm trying to get swaggy over here.
I've lost four pairs of AirPods. Wait, so Ellen had...
It's impressive, right? That's impressive. Ellen had the new iPhone.
Is George Bush an iPhone guy? I don't know. He feels like a flip phone or Galaxy.
Can we go back to Ben real quick? I would imagine that when you play NHL and you go back to the 94 controls, and you're like, I just want X shoot O pass. Big Ben definitely walked into the Genius Bar and said, just make it a regular watch.
Just go back to the factory settings where it's just time. Can you show me where the hands, like the screen that's got the hands on it? Take everything else off of it.
I'm old enough to remember when having an unauthorized clock would get you invited to the White House. And nowadays it gets you a stiff $5,000.
Hey, cool clock. Sim Similar times.
That'd be fucking hilarious if Trump tweeted out.

Hey, cool clock, Ben.

You want to bring it to the White House?

I wouldn't.

That wouldn't be crazy for him to do.

No, do it.

He would do it.

You won't.

Yeah, the game.

Some stats about that game real quick, because this this caught my eye when I saw Skip Bayless

get angry about it.

Cowboys had 563 yards.

Packers had 335. So speaking of...
That usually happens when your quarterback throws three interceptions. That's true.
It's the equivalent of winning the popular vote but losing the electoral vote. Shout out George W.
Bush. There you go.
It's a full circle. Commemoration.
Yeah, so the Packers are back, and the Cowboys now have a bunch of questions and everyone's gonna doubt them until they have i don't know are they playing the red skin soon not probably they already did once but yeah they're playing the giants soon then then they'll be back to being the best team amari cooper shout out him 223 yards anytime you hit you hit a two as a wide receiver it's like anytime you lay a deuce on somebody i'm like, that's got to be a record. I said audibly, I was like, whoa.
I didn't realize he was that good today. Okay, let's do our – Has he been paid yet? No.
I don't think he has. Jerry.
Jerry. Jerry, come on, buddy.
You got to start going under the table. Well, they got the Jets, and then – Okay, so yeah, they'll be back to Super Bowl – They'll be fine next week.
Champions next week. Okay, let's do our Who's Back of the Week and a couple segments, including football guys.
Hank, do you want to start? Sure. We're going to get into this a little more with this league later, but the NBA is back, finally.
Oh, thank God. Thank God.
Preseason's back. I feel like the main storylines, everyone's talking about James Harden's one-footed step-back three.
Have you guys seen that? Yeah, I did see that. In the preseason game that he was in, that was the biggest crowd reaction.
More than a dunk, more than anything. He took the step-back to the one-footed and went crazy.
One-footed and then also the Lakers tweeted, you all have been put on notice. Oh, because you didn't see that? They played well in the preseason.
Yeah. Anthony Davis and LeBron's like shaking hands after a dunk or something.
And they're like, you all have been put on notice, which bookmark that tweet. Anthony Davis had five dunks in the first half.
I think I saw that. And Taco Mania is sweeping Boston.
Taco Mania. He got he got in the game today.
Got a standing ovation. Played well.
Everyone loves him. And favorite.
And my favorite new story for next year is how all of the real Warriors fans got priced out. Because they're in their new arena now.
So they were showing a bunch of pictures like, this is bullshit. All these tech bros are taking over the Warriors.
Before, it was just a real working class fan base that would go sit front row at Warriors games. And remember they don't have

the Klay's out.

So they're probably not.

Well, no. Fuck.

I forgot all about D'Angelo Russell.

Shit. Warriors are going to be really good again.

Okay. Is that it?

Okay. My who's back of the week is

USA Rugby. Shout out USA

Rugby. They're back.
That hasn't happened in a while.

We won the cup. We beat New Zealand.
This is amazing. We won the entire Cup.
We beat New Zealand in the Women's Sevens tournament this weekend. In the HSBC World Series of Sevens that took place in the United States.
So shout out USA Rugby. What was the boys? Back to boys? Does that work for women? Yeah, of course.
We're all boys in the grand scheme of things. We're all born asexual.
Without genitals, so we're one of God's people. Hanging out.
The 15th team hasn't done that well in the World Cup. It's fine.
They lost again? By 50? Track and Field is also back. Track and Field? Why? I was watching it this weekend.
So it's back because Hank's paying attention to it. There we go.
What's your favorite event? That's a low bar, but I like it. We met a kid, this kid, Milo, who's like, I forget what country he's in, but he's actually in the pole vaulting.
Pole vaulting is cool. So I've been watching that thinking I'm going to see him.
I haven't seen him yet. Every time? Allison Stoke.
I'm rooting for him. Every time I watch a pole vaulting video, I'm afraid that it's going to go up their butt.
You think it's easy? Oh, my God, Hank. Well, add that to the list.
Yeah, that's the list of things that Hank can do. He's got a catch a fish, and he's got a pole vault because there's no chance you can pole vault.
How many meters? What do you mean? How many meters? Like high? Yeah. Dude, you won't get off the ground.
Eight. No, eight's a lot.
Yeah, you won't. No, you have to use a...
I don't think Hank... You have to just get...
No meters. There doesn't even have to be a bar.
One meter. You just have to hit the thing and get all the way up and then come down without breaking all of your bones.
Into the mat and without the pole going into your butt. Okay.
Zero percent chance. How many chances are we giving you? I mean, I gotta try it out..
You're going to get so hurt. Yeah.
This is not going to end well. You're going to be so hurt.
I need cameras on all of it. All right.
All right. Okay.
Perfect. All right.
My who's back is larger guys because I don't know if you guys saw our friend of the program, Stav from Cometown, tweeted out Bonobos is doing ads where they're going to larger guys calling it the prominent fit. It's true.
Not fat guys, not large, not extra large, not big and tall. It's the prominent fit.
Yeah. I think that's a great new term.
You're rebrand're rebranding yes i i looked up synonyms for prominent we could just go on and on for big guys okay distinguished the distinguished fit the notable that is actually the nicest thing you can say about a fat guy is you're notable i think i think that you're uh you're also kind of appropriating this culture now because you're not that big anymore yeah I've lost a little weight. Thank you for noticing.
You're not as prominent as you used to be. Noteworthy.
Important. Imminent.
I like imminent. Famed.
Hey, I'm just... Protuberant.
Give me what size shirt are you? I'm the esteemed size. You're conspicuous.
Nope. Easily seen.
Influential. Prestige.
There's you going. you go i like this though we should start doing this for anything that people look down on let's just flip it on its head the prominent fit i notice to all people who ask me for money on the streets instead of saying hey big guy which i get every single day how about hey prominent guy that's that would be You'd be much more likely to give them money yeah if they said like oh me yeah i think that fat guys are getting a little too much shine recently really well it's our season it's your season it's it's bod season right now yep um it's like we talk about fat guy touchdowns in football everyone gets excited no one talks about little guy touchdowns like best short film should be what we call it.
Little guy touchdowns would be good. Itty-bitty titties.
Darren Sproles. Just highlight reels of him.
Darren Sproles. All I'm saying is that you guys have been prominent for quite some time.
Yeah. Guys like me and Dan Snyder that work real hard, we don't get a lot of love.
We'll call you the itty-bitty size. Itty-bitty.
What size shirt does PFT wear? He wears an itty-bitty. I wear an extra medium.
All right. PFT, you got an ad for us before we get to Football Guy of the Week? Yeah, I do.
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So shout out to our friends at the Minuteman Press and New Rochelle. Okay, let's get to a football guy of the week.
We have some good nominees.

First up, we have Virginia Tech linebacker Alan Tisdale

puking on the field immediately before play and then playing the play.

Puking rally.

Let me use this time, too, to say that Miami,

of all the fake back schools, Miami is the fakest.

Yes, they're not back.

They're not back at all.

They stink so bad.

I like any play where a player is puking but doesn't really move or get out of their stance yes there's something just high comedy about puking while you're walking and not bending over you see that that umpire that puked the other day no just projectile vomited joe west yeah i wish i wish that's what he stores in his pelican damn pouch uh all right next up we have lsu LSU strength coach Tommy Moffitt having an assistant hit him in the back with a folding chair to make sure the, quote, unquote, the players were awake ahead of an 11 a.m. kickoff.
That's, I mean, that's strength coach 101. That's an alarm clock if you're a strength and conditioning coach, just getting hit in the back.
Yes. Should we do...
Is that the

guy that headbutts players on the sidelines

and makes his face bleed? Sure. I think it's

probably the same. If not, they're cut from the same

cloth, and I'm sure they're best buddies.

We have next up

Titans head coach

Mike Vrabel, our friend,

standing sadly in the rain

with his wet mustache.

What do you think he was... Pouring rain.
What was he doing

out there? Just soaking in the moment.

Literally soaking in the moment with his wet mustache. What do you think? Pouring rain.

What was he doing out there?

Just soaking in the moment.

Literally soaking in the moment.

Just getting a feel.

Just going to smell the rain.

As sad as it looked,

I just think that Mike Vrabel is the type of guy,

he has his pregame routine,

and no matter what the weather,

he's going to go through his pregame routine.

So if it's zero degrees, he's out there.

Right.

I'm going to one-up you and say,

the mustache is not a great look for being wet I'm just saying any wet dude looks sad wet dudes in general wet dudes and wet dogs they look bad they smell bad yeah it's bad okay and then last Kyle Long when he was asked which London landmarks he would like to visit he said I want to see what the end zones are like at Tottenham Stadium. I could have seen some more.
He wanted to see him and he saw him. Whatever.
Okay, let's do some segments. Wrap up the show.
By the way, we have Gary Busey on on Wednesday. He's awesome.
It was a very, very interesting interview. What did you think of that interview, Hank? I mean.
Way better than expected. He is.
He was off the reservation, but with it. Yes.
He was on it. Yes.
He brought us to his reservation. And then we partied.
Yeah. On his reservation.
My mind is still blown. It's like Bill Walton 2.0.
He was awesome. He was more put together than Bill Walton, also more out of it right right i felt like i alternately deeply deeply connected with what gary bucey was saying but then i also got confused at my own thoughts that he made me think right right it was an awesome one so be excited for that okay segments uh this league daryl mori someone explain to me what's going on so i fully understand okay so there's there are protests going on in hong kong as somebody who has been to hong kong recently um i think they're centered around drug usage and not enough molly not enough molly yep they're actually centered around they're they're upset that the chinese government is trying to enforce their own extradition laws on Hong Kong.
Hong Kong exists as its own district, right? Amsterdam. Use it all in shows that I've watched.
Okay, so Hong Kong is like Amsterdam, right? And then Charles Clay and the entire state of Maryland are like, she, we're going to make you stop using drugs because we're not getting any money off your drugs. And so we're going to get money off your drugs.
And also you need to extradite, uh, all your drug dealers to China and bubbles. Yeah.
Bubbles is coming. Bubbles is coming to mainland China and we're going to try him underneath Chinese law.
Who's Omar. Omar is probably, uh, I don't know that many people in Hong Kong.
All right. So Daryl Morey was like, Daryl Morey is kind of the cop.
What was the guy's name? McNulty. McNulty.
McNulty. Yeah.
Daryl Morey is okay. So what happens, Daryl Morey is kind of the cop.
What was the guy's name? McNulty. McNulty.
Yeah. Daryl Morey is okay.
So what happens? Daryl Morey is saying like, I Amsterdam guy. No.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
The other, the Amsterdam guy, buddy Coleman. Yeah.
He's buddy Coleman. So he's like, Hey, this is a good idea.
You should, Amsterdam should exist. Yes.
And then the, uh, for Tata, for Tata, the rockets owner. He's like Ziggy.
He's like, fuck this. This shouldn't exist.
He's like Ziggy, the guy that crashes his car. Okay, so what's the problem now? So the problem is that Daryl Morey tweeted out his support of the protesters in Hong Kong.
And it just so happens that the Rockets make a shitload of money off of mainland China. So he's rubbing people the wrong way over there.
Yao Ming. Yeah, Yao Ming is pissed off at Daryl Morey.
Yao Ming works for the Chinese... Rockets.
This league. Chinese NBA, and they're anti-Rockets now.
Got it. They're trying to push an agenda to...
They basically have taken the Rockets off their streaming service. So it's like, if you're in mainland China, it's like 50 million people.
You're not allowed to watch Rocket games. If you paid for a league pass for the Rockets, you have to pick another team.
Holy shit. They're like pushing.
All because of a tweet? All because of a tweet. So that's why they have to apologize and shit.
They're like pushing the Nets as like the new Chinese NBA team. So the Rockets are like, the Rockets are fucked.
So. And the best part is that the NBA came out and basically disavowed Daryl Morey, right? Yeah, the NBA was like, no, he doesn't speak for us.
Even though the NBA is like the biggest, like we stand for human rights and all these things. And we're the most progressive league.
But if you fuck with our money, just kidding. Communists buy sneakers too, is what they're saying.
saying. I like that.
I like that the NBA is just showing that like, hey, we want to do like, hey. We got against Trump.
It doesn't cost us anything. Yeah.
No NBA all-star game in Charlotte. But if we're talking about people wanting to be free, just kidding.
We got to sell League Pass to them. Right.
Oh, we don't see any video of the millions of Muslims that you're imprisoning. So we're not going to say anything bad about you.
They put themselves in a real pickle. They did.
I wish Magic Johnson was still affiliated with the Lakers so he could tweet about this. It's a good life lesson.
Good luck to both the protesters in Hong Kong and the Chinese government. Yeah, it's a good luck.
It will be interesting to see who wins this dispute. All the kids out there.
It's a good life lesson. Your morals are only morals until

it fucks with your wallet.

Which is a common theme in the wire.

It's a common theme in the world.

It's how the entire world works.

Do you think that this is why the NBA said

we're not going to allow any

ninja style headbands?

Because that's the Japanese ninja

so it's a signal to the

Chinese communist government being like hey, we've your back we're on your side yes I think it's possible I think it's very possible um all right so they got themselves in a pickle this league is back it also could be it could be related to remember when LiAngelo Ball got arrested over in China and then he mysteriously just got released back to the United States Like, real quick. A little quid pro quo.
President Trump released, got him. Okay, so LiAngelo and ASAP Rocky are two most important cultural exports have been returned.
All I know is I got my eye on this Furtada guy. He seems like a real lightning rod.
Is his name Furtada? The Rockets owner? Isn't it Furtada? If it's Furtada, that's a hell of a name. I'm going to search it right now.
Rockets owner. I'm pretty sure.
You do an ad, PFD, our last ad, and then I'm going to search his name. Rockets owner.
I'd just like to say as. Oh, yeah, Fertitta.
Fertitta. Are we allowed to speak for the New Zealand breakers? Yes.
Which way do you want to go on this? Do you want to? Bro. How about we'll go good cop, bad cop? good cop, bad cop? No, no, no.
People in mainland China listen to PMT too. Here's what we have to do.
We don't want to shut that off. We have to do a lot of words that say nothing.
Okay, I think I can do this. We're certainly looking into aspects of everything that's happening in Hong Kong.
And we are pro-human rights across the board. And I think that it's important before jumping to any conclusions, we wait for all the facts to come out well more than that pft i think the most important thing is to listen to a lot of people here and open a dialogue so we have to have a conversation about what's going on in the world and then we're going to put together a panel we're going to talk to people we have put many uh women and minorities this panel.
So we are going to get a lot of different perspectives. And once we have a conversation, we'll have a task force.
And then our task force on Daryl Morey tweets, that's what we're going to call it, will then make a judgment on this. So tune in because we will probably release this statement uh the wednesday night

before thanksgiving there you go there you have it so kudos to us for coming out strongly on this

event someone transcribe that please and put that out as a press release before we get to the rest

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Thatt that's dollarshaveclub.com slash pmt okay let's talk some baseball natitude natitude is uh we hit a little speed bump you got a bad natitude hit a speed bump tonight that's fine it was a bad natitude night it turns out that having your starting pitchers also be your relief pitchers isn't the best strategy going into postseason baseball. Day one game two, and there was a moment, since I put a future bet on Natitude winning the World Series, figured it worked for the Capitals, trying to help you out, maybe get some good juju going.
Thank you. When they were up 2-1, I said, I'm rich.
You counting your money already. Because they were going to beat the Dodgers and they were going to steamroll the Braves or the Cardinals and then shock the world with the Astros.
Not the Yankees. No, the Astros are going to kill the Yankees.
Do we all agree the Astros are going to kill the Yankees? So the Yankees, the Twins should stop. I feel bad for the Twins.
The Astros are going to kill the Yankees? Yeah. The Twins won 101 games.

How?

They hit a lot of home runs.

That's right.

How many times did they play the Orioles this year?

Not to toot my own horn, but I did say the Twins were going to win the AIL Central

when we did our preseason predictions that no one writes down or no one cares about

solely based on the fact that I had been hearing about the Twins' rebuild for long i said it seems like it's about time so they won 101 games and they're just roadkill for the yankees they started a cab driver in the second game not looking down on him i know people are very upset which is the dumbest controversy ever so the the fans at yankee stadium were chanting uber uber uber because they were trying to get in randy head yep during the game and people are big mad about it because it's like oh you're talking down about somebody's profession it's like well it's you kind of gave them a lot of meat on the bone to work with because every story going to that game was about how he drove a cab in the offseason. Also, Randy Dobnik was probably he's probably had been in locker rooms his whole life.
He's probably had similar jokes been made. He's probably made similar jokes.
He probably thought it was funny. And guess what? That's sports.
I just can't stand people who write about sports that forget what rooting for a team and being passionate about a team yeah what that feels like yeah because if you're in a playoff atmosphere you're jacked up you're you know probably drunk you're going to the game with your friends your family whoever and you know that the guy was an uber driver you're gonna chant uber it's funny it wasn't mean i don't think it was mean they should actually have chanted that at Jameis Winston. That would be a more appropriate usage of a chant.
When they do that, they probably have. They probably will, yeah.
The moral of the story is, as Big Cat's saying, if you're drunk enough, you can chant whatever you want on a prayer. Pretty much.
Well, not all the way. But don't you think that's a stupid thing to be mad about? I think in the larger scheme of things in life, it's probably pretty dumb.
You're not making fun of his dead family. No're not talking about a job that he had.
I'm sure that we have Uber drivers that listen to part of my tape. We're not looking down on Uber drivers.
I want to be an Uber driver. But we are saying that if you're pitching against the Yankees in a playoff game, you would probably expect that the crowd would bring up the fact that you're an Uber driver.
If I keep losing my can't-lose parlay, I'm going to be an Uber driver. Yeah, the good way to kind of judge whether or not a chant is acceptable is would Randy Quaid say it during the major league movies? And I think he absolutely would say it during the major league movies.
It's just so stupid that all these people... And then, of course, there's classic internet 2019 where the backlash to the backlash was even larger than the backlash.
So then I started hating those people, the people who were mad about defending their right to chant. Right.
Like, no, dude, just let it live in the moment. Just leave it there.
You don't have to go online and start fighting everyone who's mad about this because it was, honestly, I look for it. It was like four people.
Four people said it was a classless thing. Those four people don't really like sports.
They just, you know, cover sports. So don't get mad at them because now you make yourself look like an asshole.
Just leave it. Just leave it in the fucking stadium.
But anyway, yeah, the Yankees are going to steamroll the Twins. They'll probably sweep them.
The Cardinals choked one away. Yeah, yeah.
They really did choke one away. Yeah.
Big time. I'm not saying that in a mean way.
I'm speaking facts.

I want the Braves to win as much as possible unless they're playing against the Nats because

every single time the Braves get a postseason victory, to me, that counts towards the mid-90s

Braves.

They didn't get enough.

Bobby Cox put it on the list.

And then the Astros, which you don't think the Astros are going to beat the Yankees,

Hank?

I don't think they're going to do it as easily as you say they're going to do it.

Oh, yeah, they are.

Bronx Bombers?

Dude.

You don't feel the electricity in the city?

Yeah, you know what beats the Bronx Bombers?

Justin Verlander and Garrett Cole.

Garrett Cole, I was telling you guys before I looked it up,

Garrett Cole had 33 swing and misses on Saturday night.

That seems like a lot.

15 strikeouts.

That seems like a lot.

He's insane.

He's on a different level. And then who are they pitching in game three? Oh, Zach Greinke.
I mean, it's ridiculous. It's pretty good.
So the Astros are going to win the world series as first reported by Alex Bregman on this very show. But yeah, I mean, playoff baseball is pretty awesome, except natitudes.
No, natitudes, not dead. I'm, I'm not game I've decided tomorrow.
Because your sugar daddy couldn't take you. Yeah, because Marlon's man couldn't take me.
Marlon's man big-timed me. He's got appointments and stuff that he's going to.
He's not going to be in D.C. Very important appointments.
Very important meetings that he has to make, I'm sure. But, yeah, I'm not going to this game.
Maybe I'll go to game – I guess it would be game three next round. Yes.
Okay. Yeah, I'll see you in game three.
There you go. Against the Braves? Yeah, against the Bravos.
Okay. The Bravos are going to be playing the Nats.
That's going to be great. Yeah, it's going to be Max Scherzer for the first four innings, Strasburg for three, and then Anibal for the last four.
Max Scherzer versus Rich Hill tomorrow. Okay.
I feel good about that. I feel good about that.
Yeah, Rich Hill throws soft. There you go.
There you go. Dude, I'm scared for anybody that has to face Max Scherzer on the mound.
Yeah. I'm just terrified.
That gift that was remade where he just says, I'm going to, what is it? He's like, you're my bitch. I'm going to fuck you up, bitch.
Yeah, you're my bitch. Yeah.
Take it easy. I'm glad that he found baseball because if not, he would probably be a serial killer.
Even his face looks like the cover of making a murder where it's two different. Yes.
Yes. Oh, speaking of which, I went out to a dinner on Friday night and there was like the ambiance music was playing and they started playing the, uh, song from, uh, sounds of theamps and it ruined the vibe.
That's the song when he does the mangina. Yeah.
It's like, would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. Buffalo Bill.
Did they have fava beans on the menu? It was. It was.
Dude, it really kills the vibe when you start thinking about a dude in the mirror looking at himself saying, would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. You know what would be awful? Wearing other people's skin.
Actually, it'd be a great prank. If you own a restaurant, one night just play the soundtrack to Two Girls, One Cup and look around and see who gets it.
Who gets it. Who's in the know.
Who's in the know. Okay.
Oh, I forgot to mention shit. Barstoolgold.com slash PMT.
If you want to watch this, Barstoolgold.com slash PMT. Monday reading.
Here we go. We'll finish up

the show. My boyfriend

of one year

is obsessed with a porn star.

Okay.

That's normal, right? Hey, what's your favorite

porn star?

I don't know.

Okay, you don't watch porn.

Alright, so this is normal. I like them all.

So this is really weird for me. I could understand if my boyfriend was answer.
All right. So this is normal.
I like them all. So this is really weird for me.

I could understand if my boyfriend was fast.

Just because she was co-workers.

There you go.

Oh, you got it.

I could understand if my boyfriend was fascinated with a female porn star.

Mine's Carter Cruz because I forgot her name like a month ago when I was talking about ECU.

There you go.

Mine is, fuck.

What's that guy's name?

Evan Stone.

That's a good one. He was the main character in Stagnetti's Revenge 1 and 2, pirate porn.
Okay, so this is really weird for me. I could understand if my boyfriend was fascinated with a female porn star, but instead he is obsessed with a male porn star that he likes to call Two-Tone Mal some of you might know him for those that don't know

he's a male porn star where there's an obvious distinction in color between his shaft and his head two-tone malone makes sense right i don't think i'm being homophobic but it bothers me when he mentions how he wishes his dick was as big and multicolored as the male porn stars is Jesus Christ.

Okay.

I mean, we all have our own insecurities.

I want stuff such as firmer butt or tighter stomach. Hey, listen, girl, you're good as you, but he is literally obsessed with this guy.
He goes around telling not only me, but also his friends about how he only watches porn with him in it now. And he's not lying.
I've seen his collection. And I'm pretty sure his friends are also weirded out by it.
We got any thoughts? Yeah, I've got a couple thoughts right off the bat. If you really want it so bad, you could just get those colors tattooed on yourself.
Yes, good point. They do dick tattoos.
There's a solution for you. You should get that for him.
Maybe if you did that, he would stop talking about them. Maybe.
Probably not not so i don't think so if you're obsessed with a male porn star i guess it makes sense to be obsessed with one that has a hilarious dick yes because it's like a romantic comedy every time you watch it yes yes uh okay normally i would think this is just a phase and he'll get over it and forget about this guy after all i'm sure we've all had celebrity crushes that we no longer care about. Britney Spears.
Christina Aguilera. You were Christina? Cardi B.
Over her. You don't care.
Over her. Hank? Spears.
Yeah. Britney Spears.
Oh, were you later Spears? Crazy Britney? Toxic. Toxic Britney Spears.
I'm talking about like late 90s Britney. Yeah.
When we were at the same age as her. Pam Anderson too.
Always the same. Always the goat.
LimeWire broke like three of my computers because of that. The Tommy Lee when he honked the boat with his dick.
That video and like Vince Carter dunk videos. One in the same.
And they were probably many computers in the Lockwood house. They were probably both mislabeled as the other one.
Yeah. Download the time.
They're all like Soulja Boy songs. How many millions of people do you think have seen Tommy Lee honk that boat with his dick? Probably, I'd say 70 million.
70 million? 70 million people. Hilarious.
Tommy Lee is like one of those guys that you knew right away that he was the guy in the friend group who just did the dick pranks because his dick was so funny what were you gonna say sorry there was like a cnn documentary about the 90s and it was like said like 30 of porn or 30 of the internet was just people on porn and most of that was people coming for the pam anderson sex so maybe more basically like it might be low that tape she revolutionized the internet yes absolutely absolutely okay uh normally i would I think it's just a phase. We'll get over it.
However, as of right now, he's actually considering circumcision purely for cosmetic reasons because he finds it really hot when two-tone initially sticks his paler part of his dick in for a while to tease the girl, then shoves in the darker shit. Oh, wait.
So it's the other way around. Yeah.
This changes everything.

Yes.

Because, okay.

I thought it was a situation where it looked like a candy apple at the end of a straw.

Right.

But no, it's not what you're saying.

It's like a Hershey's hug that's connected to.

It's a straw wearing a hat.

It's like a log.

No, it's when they give you the straw, but they keep the top of the paper on so that you know it's fresh. Is it paper straw? Yeah.
No, no. It's a regular straw.
Plastic straw. Because you can chew right through the paper.
Black straw with a paper on the top. Okay, got it.
That is a pretty hilarious dick. That is very funny.
Now, is this a white gentleman or is it an African-American? I don't know. Hank, look it up.
Two-Tone Malone. I mean, I'm going to look it up.
All right, here we go. I understand that it's his body and he can do whatever he wants, but I don't think he should go through with an unnecessary procedure with all the risks involved.
I personally don't have a preference between cut and uncut. Let's see it.
Hank's showing us Two-Tone Malone. Let's see, Hank.
Can I see? It's just a Photoshop of Kevin Malone. Oh.
Post Malone face tattoos. Is this a real person? Yeah, it must be.
I personally don't have a preference between cut and uncut. I've been with both, but I also don't want to deal with him bringing his fetish of a two-toned dick into the bedroom.
He actually had me say things like, don't stick the dark part in yet. It's too big.
Oh, my God. Yo, this guy, I kind of get what he's like.
Most people will go to the gym and yell Kobe when they shoot a three. This guy is just saying, hey, tell me to not put the dark part in yet when he's having sex.
It's important to have heroes no matter what you're doing. Are you looking, Hank? Did you find him? Not yet.
How have you guys not found him? Two-Tone Malone i'm looking up to two-tone malone what oh okay this no no he no people know him as two-tone malone there's actually a man that goes by two-tone malone i'm not seeing anything about him okay here's two blondes one two-tone i'm watching a two-tone Malone porn right now. Okay, so am I.
He's a handsome fella, I must say. Oh, I see it.
It's not as two-tone as you think. That's not that bad.
All right. This has gone sideways on us.
You know what it is? Okay, so here's what two-tone Malone is. This is a part of my take.
We're just watching porn while you listen. Here's what two-tone Malone is.
It's like a golfer after they get done finishing on 18, and take their hat off and it's got a little tan line at the top of it. That's exactly what it looks like.
Yeah. All right.
We'll wrap up here. Is there anything I can say to help him forget about this fetish and more importantly, the circumcision? I've already told him how I like his dick just the way it is and how I don't think two-tone is that attractive.
I really don't. His face is kind of weird.
No, it's not. I i just looked at him but i guess guys don't care about that i say let him be him yeah we just look up to tony seems like actually a like it's the old he's very successful it's the old like hey at least you know i might have my vibe like i vape at least i don't smoke crack he's his celebrity crush slash role model life is Two-Tone Malone.
At least it's not Kim Jong-un. Yeah, it could be worse.
He could just want... Put in perspective.
Just a totally one-toned penis, which I think would probably look stranger. Right.
So let him do his thing. We all have our heroes.
Unless Two-Tone Malone... Actually, this is what you need to do you need to reach out to two-tone Malone and have him

do the Charles Barkley I am not a role model

that would be good or just you could

write two-tone Malone a letter

and be like hey man I want to be just like you

could I get your autograph yeah can we have a catch

yeah can you autograph my dick

can you just color in the bottom part of my dick

with a light brown marker this might

sound weird but I always just kind of wanted to catch

a load two-tone

it's it's a little

strange I understand where this person is coming

We don't... with a light brown marker.
This might sound weird, but I always just kind of wanted to catch a load. Two-tone.

It's a little strange.

I understand where this person is coming from.

We don't shame.

But you know what?

Some women,

they want to change things about their bodies,

and that's fine.

If a guy wants to make his penis look like a churro

that's been dipped in vanilla frosting,

let him do it.

Beautiful.

Love is love.

Love is love.

Okay, that's our show.

We have Gary Busey coming on Wednesday.

Get excited.

It's awesome.

Thank you. dipped in vanilla frosting.
Beautiful. Let him do it.
Beautiful. Love is love.
Love is love. Okay, that's our show.

We have Gary Busey coming on Wednesday.

Get excited.

It's awesome.