NFL Week 3, Fastest 2 Minutes, Recap Of Every Game, The Pinky Team Is Announced, And A Name Roast

Speaker 1 Hey, pardon my take, listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
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Speaker 1 On today's part of my take NFL week three recap, we do the fastest two minutes. We're going to talk a little college football.
We have who's back of the week, football guy of the week.

Speaker 1 It is no guest Monday. We're going to talk about every single game.
I'm excited. You're excited.
Are you excited, PFT? Extremely excited. I'm excited.
Hank, are you excited? So excited, I'm scared.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Damn.
Well, let me tell you something that will make you less scared. I'm not going back to college to be your friend.
I'm going so I can get Uber One for students.

Speaker 1 It saves you on Uber and Uber Eats. I'm there for $0 delivery fee on cheeseburgers, up to 10% off smoothies, and 6% Uber credits back on rides.

Speaker 1 Just to be clear, I'm there for savings, not whatever you think college is for.

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Speaker 1 Okay, let's go.

Speaker 1 No place behind a lot of washing.

Speaker 1 And then I can't name all on the sun. Oh, no, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue.

Speaker 1 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're gonna rock it down to it's part of my tape.

Speaker 1 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Part of My Tape presented by the Cash App. Go download it right now.
Use code Barstool. You get $5 for free, $5 to ASPCA.

Speaker 1 Today is Monday, September 23rd,

Speaker 1 week three.

Speaker 1 Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

Speaker 1 I'm a little horse here, Boom. Whoop! Better than being a big jackass.

Speaker 1 We start in the city of brotherly love, where the lions checked their luggage, but brought their carry-on. Johnson, that is.
That's a good one, Boom.

Speaker 1 Carson Wentz was throwing so many wounded ducks, he could tile the roof of the Taj Mahal, and the Eagles waterboarded themselves with drops all afternoon long. Marvin Gay Jones said, What's going on?

Speaker 1 Let's get it on. As Matt Patricia was hot just like an oven in his sweatshirt on the sideline, because when you get that feeling, it's sexual healing with a Ticonderoga number two.

Speaker 1 Jamal Spiro Agnew returned a kickoff for a touchdown, pardoning the Lions and allowing them to escape Philadelphia at the height of Watergate scandal. Lions 27, Eagles 24.
Whop, whoop, whoop,

Speaker 1 hey, good, go. Oh, no, But

Speaker 1 we go to Foxborough where the Jets saw the Patriots and said, let's give them something to fuck about. Fucking bout love, love, love.

Speaker 1 Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus. Hey, hey, who let Trey Wayne go in here?

Speaker 1 The weekend started with turmoil for the Patriots as Tom Brady kicked Antonio Brown out of his Marshall New House faster than Bridget Moynihan after announcing she was pregnant.

Speaker 1 I stood him, I stood him, I stood him high, and you stayed him low, sted him low, sted him low.

Speaker 1 And as for Patriots, minus 21 gamblers, they got stedum in the balls after Jared Stedham threw a late pick six.

Speaker 1 The Patriots kept the tread rolling, but lost Julian Edelman to a rib injury, which will now allow him to suck his own dick even more on his Instagram thirst traps. Patriots 30, just 14.

Speaker 1 To western New York, where the 2-0 Buffalo Bills welcomed the 0-2 Cincinnati Bengals, the Bills came out to a commanding 14-0 first half lead as Skull Beasley dipped out and made a few long cuts, giving the Bengals the spin as they puked in their mouth.

Speaker 1 The Bengals came Tyler Backstreet Boyd in the second half, getting the offense in sync. But it was Frank Gorbachev who led a Russian attack to seal the game.

Speaker 1 And they're hitting AZ-5 for the Bengals season, but the meltdown is imminent. Did they really shoot the dogs, Boom? No, Tech.
Don't think about things like that.

Speaker 1 No one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills. Bill's 21, Bengal's 17.
Some spread

Speaker 1 up in the frozen tundra where the antidote to Philip Lindsey Lohan was a large dose of Marquez Valtrex scantling. The two Aarons hooked up on Sunday, and Mr.

Speaker 1 Aaron Jones and me tell each other fairy tales, smiling in the bright lights. No offense to the New York Jets, but they're not coming through Mono.
They're coming in stereo.

Speaker 1 If everybody loves you, you can never be lonely, even if you exile your entire family. The Packers are counting crows while Joe Flacco is missing the Ravens.

Speaker 1 Mick Fangiol in three as the Broncos haven't found the win column yet. Packers 27, Broncos 16.

Speaker 1 Down to Indianapolis, where Zach Pascal Siakam is a rising star in the Colts offense, and Jim Urce is drunkenly asking his fans, why not Jacoby Brissette for the future of the franchise?

Speaker 1 Don't pull the plug on the Colts kicker yet as Adam Vitieri Shivo came back from the dead on Sunday. The Falcons fall to one and two as Matt Ryan Dunn was unable to complete his final drive.

Speaker 1 Too soon, boom. Colts 27, Falcons 24.

Speaker 1 Whoop!

Speaker 1 Damn. Over to Kansas City, where Lamar Jacks, son of Sam, was talking to his underdogs, trying to shock the world with a win and arrowhead.

Speaker 1 Mark was even more valuable than in Graham of Coke with a nose from the goal line three different times.

Speaker 1 Patrick Mahomes had three scores, And in the words of John Gruden, when it comes to beating the Chiefs, it's just too damn nickel-hard, man, man, man. Chiefs 33, Ravens 48.

Speaker 4 PETA representatives, they are outlining a new report. They say outlines the treatment of dolphins at the three SeaWorld locations.

Speaker 4 They claim these dolphins are suffering under inhumane conditions and are forced to perform tricks that cause them injuries and also that their living conditions are unacceptable.

Speaker 1 Cowboys 31, Dolphins 6

Speaker 1 in beautiful San Diego, where Stone Cold Steve Austin Eckler tried to stop a Texas smug hole, but Carlos Santana Hyde was too smooth for the Chargers' defense.

Speaker 1 Deshaun Michaels Watson kept talking old sweet chin music and getting back up and Houston left the LA fans in heartbreak kid. The Chargers will be Jordan Aikens after this loss as they fall to 1-2.

Speaker 1 Houston 27, the Chargers 20.

Speaker 1 Stay on the corner, Jane as Winston Tampa, Florida. Such a fine sight to see.

Speaker 1 He's driving that train high on cocaine. Daniel Jones, you better watch your speed.

Speaker 1 Come on, mad

Speaker 1 gay.

Speaker 1 Don't kick it that

Speaker 1 way.

Speaker 1 The Giants stole a game like they were crable.

Speaker 1 Giants 32, Bucs 31. The GM.

Speaker 1 The New York Football Giants. The GGG.

Speaker 1 We finish in the city by the bay as the Steelers visited Jimmy Eatworld Garoppolo and the 49ers. George, kiddo me this, kiddo me that.
Can a team of five turnovers win a football game?

Speaker 1 They can when they're coached by the former millennial Falcon Kyle Santahan Solo. And the 49ers are three, you know.

Speaker 1 Or, as my good friend Shubaka would say,

Speaker 1 Ninter's 24

Speaker 1 Taylor's 20. All right.

Speaker 1 That was a great chewbacca, Hank.

Speaker 1 I thought you actually had a Chewbacca when I asked you. My good friend Chewbacca.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Oh, there you go. There you go.

Speaker 1 There's your chewbacca. I just told Hank to yawn, and that would be the chewbacca sound of it.
It's very true. So week three in the books, or we got Monday Night Football coming up.

Speaker 1 That was an aggressive.

Speaker 5 That was an aggressive overall week.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Yeah, it was.

Speaker 1 There were some aggressive jokes in there. Yeah.
Adam Vinicheri Shivo, I think that plays.

Speaker 1 Well, now that Boomer and Teege are actually back, we have to step up our games to be the R-rated Boomer and Teege. So I think we did it.
Thank you for being the bad boys. No guests, Monday.
Back.

Speaker 1 We're going to recap every single game on Sunday. We're going to talk about everything.
You can watch it on Barstool Gold. Go right now, barstoolgold.com slash PMT.

Speaker 1 We will start, so we'll go in reverse order. We'll obviously start with the one o'clocks, but we have to at least mention the Sunday night game, what we just watched, Freddie Kitchens,

Speaker 1 you're a dummy. Wow.
Yeah, you're a dummy. That was one of the most.
You're a dumb dumb. That was one of the most.
Let's not say things we can't take back. Yeah, you're a dumb dumb.
I watched it.

Speaker 1 You're a dum-dum. That was a winnable game.
It was a very bad play call on fourth and nine. Not even.
You'll never see it coming. Okay, so fourth and nine draw call.
What's going on?

Speaker 1 The fact that your offensive line can't block for shit, and you're calling basically everyone to go downfield when you need, like, you know, there was multiple times in the game where it felt like all the wide receivers were running 30-yard routes, and you can't block.

Speaker 1 Right. You can't block.
And they kept running 11 personnel. 11 personnel.
I can't help but just call out the personnel groups.

Speaker 1 They should have gotten more 22 personnel. It's like teaching a little kid how to do the alphabet, and we're just walking around saying it constantly now that we know how to count this.

Speaker 1 But the end of the game, you have first and goal from the four-yard line, you have three timeouts, and you run every single play like it's desperation, no time on the clock, you don't have timeouts in your back pocket.

Speaker 1 How about run a like? Run the ball once. How about maybe a screen? I don't know.

Speaker 1 Try something other than everyone run in the end zone and Baker Mayfield runs for his life while his offensive line can't block. That actually wouldn't have been a bad time to run a draw.

Speaker 1 Run the draw there. You have four plays.
You have to keep doing the draw. Eventually, it'll work, but it'll only work if you keep doing it.
They ran the same exact, holy shit, our hair's on fire.

Speaker 1 We need a touchdown on this play play. Like, run the ball, get three yards, then you have first and goal on the one, or second and goal on the one.
Then you can just fucking push it in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was crazy. It was bad play calling at the end.
I don't think he realized it.

Speaker 1 It was just kind of an ugly game in general, but yeah, he didn't. I don't think he didn't know that he had three timeouts at the end of the game.

Speaker 1 Because then, when he shouldn't have called the timeout on fourth down, when he should have kept all three timeouts and at least made the Rams

Speaker 1 run plays and then maybe get a punt block out there, he called the timeout. Can I throw this out there? I think the Browns are better when they have a lot of distractions.

Speaker 1 I didn't hear anything going in this game about Odell Beckham's watch or his visor or anything shiny that he was wearing at all. And he just, they didn't go out there and play a good game.

Speaker 1 They scored 13 points and it seemed like they were scratching and clawing for anything that they got.

Speaker 1 Well, their defense played well and the Rams obviously didn't play a great game either, but I always judge it a little differently when you're playing a prime-time game on the road.

Speaker 1 Like the, you know, when you're in a primetime game on the road, it's just win. It doesn't matter.
An ugly win,

Speaker 1 as Mike Tomlin.

Speaker 1 But the Browns, that was a winnable game, and I don't see how you can blame anyone but Freddie Kitchens there. So they're now one and two.

Speaker 1 And guess what? They have more primetime games coming up. I think they play Monday Night Football in a couple weeks.

Speaker 1 And this is what we talked about this all offseason, the Browns and all the hype and all the expectations. What happens if they start slow? Well, now you got it.

Speaker 1 And they've got a tough schedule and they're banged up. And Joku's out for what, like three, four more weeks? And they need him as well.
They definitely need him.

Speaker 1 They need another tight end in there to block. They couldn't block shit today.
No, their offensive line is very bad.

Speaker 1 They could have used Ben Rothlessberg as social media account manager because it was bad. They were getting pass rushed by Aaron Donald left and right inside.

Speaker 1 Dante Fowler was right, Clay Matthews on his dad's induction ceremony, no less. Wow.

Speaker 1 Showed up, showed out big time. The Browns need to figure out a way to, like, let's get the distractions going.
This week is actually going to be good for the Browns. Who are they playing?

Speaker 1 Well, I just know they're going to be playing Colin Coward during the week because he's going to have a lot of shit to talk.

Speaker 1 So, Baker put a little bit more food in Colin's dish so he can eat up and get some ratings this week. That's going to help him.

Speaker 1 There were no distractions going into this weekend,

Speaker 1 which I feel like is a problem.

Speaker 1 At home?

Speaker 1 At the Raidings. Oh, and then they played Monday Night Football at the 49ers, who might actually be good.
So, let's do all the games. So, let's start.
So, the Browns.

Speaker 1 That's a revenge game for the entire city of Cleveland, though, going into Baltimore.

Speaker 1 Always is.

Speaker 1 All right, let's start with the Sunday slate. Let's go with Lions Eagles.
The Lions are officially on frisky team that I don't actually know if they're good, but holy shit, they'll be in every game.

Speaker 1 They're undefeated, which is hilarious to say because they tied the Cardinals and the Cardinals are not good. But the Lions are in week three, undefeated.
That is crazy to think about at all.

Speaker 1 And just say, even if it's week one, saying the Lions are undefeated,

Speaker 1 it feels like you're saying something bad that you should get sent to your room for. And it's such a perfect way to do it because they have a tie, so they're 2-0-1.

Speaker 1 The Eagles on the other side are now 1-2, and it feels like just drop passes away from being 3-0.

Speaker 1 Like the Eagles are the official team of they should have a better record than they are because they keep fucking up. They had seven drop passes, a bunch of fumbles, and they pissed away that game.

Speaker 1 They did. They had two fumbles.

Speaker 1 Their return guy had two fumbles. Remember that one play where he ran back and got his helmet ripped off? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He looked like an owl because his head was backwards on that piss. I've never seen that happen.

Speaker 1 I've never seen a worse miscall. Verbal meme.
Verbal ready? Yeah. It's what's his name? Sanders? Is that the guy's name? Sure.
That was running back. Okay.
So Sanders is the distracted boyfriend.

Speaker 1 Miles Sanders. Miles Sanders is the distracted boyfriend, and his head is turned backwards, looking at Miles Sanders' returning kicks, and then the distract

Speaker 1 who's upset is Darren Sproll's returning kicks.

Speaker 1 Good one. That's a pretty good one.
No,

Speaker 1 it was one of those games where I was watching it mostly on Twitter, and I thought that the Eagles were losing by 30 points because of how Philadelphia Twitter was reacting to everything.

Speaker 1 And they were down by three when I told you. Well,

Speaker 1 the Lions should have won by more.

Speaker 1 Matt Patricia, put this in your tickler file. Matt Patricia, twice now, late game situations gets super conservative and does the old like,

Speaker 1 I'm trying not to lose, not trying to win. He did it with the Cardinals game, and it felt like the same thing this one.
I don't trust him with a lead. I don't trust him in the fourth quarter.

Speaker 1 But, hey, undefeated. The undefeated Detroit Lions.
You can't argue with the math on that.

Speaker 1 Almost October. You are who your record says you are.
I invented that right now. Carson Wentz,

Speaker 1 every time I saw a highlight of him, he was diving headfirst in the end zone. That's all he does.
But he doesn't remember the year 2017 existing.

Speaker 1 Or the year 2018.

Speaker 1 You're tempting fate, Carson, when you're diving headfirst.

Speaker 1 If you were to look at former Eagles that learned from their mistakes, this is like Riley Cooper, when he goes to karaoke night, he doesn't sing Wu-Tang Clan. Right.

Speaker 1 He's not trying to make any very avoidable mistakes out there. Slide feet first, occasionally.
Occasionally. Every now and again.

Speaker 1 The Eagles are also one of those teams, it's the Eagles and the Chargers, where... I don't even think you can say they're banged up because they just go into the season banged up.

Speaker 1 Something's wrong with their staff or something.

Speaker 1 I don't know what it is, but to say like, oh, well, they're dealing with a bunch of injuries, that's not really an excuse because that's just status quo.

Speaker 1 I think the Eagles are the most injured team every single season. Yeah, it's them and the Chargers, basically.
Yeah, it's them. If you play tight end for the Chargers or if you play

Speaker 1 wide receiver for the Eagles, you're going in with at least a mild ankle strain at every position.

Speaker 1 The other news we had coming from the Lions, so an adjacent topic, was the fact that Calvin Johnson did a whole piece where he said he's had a ton of concussions and he had to smoke weed every single Sunday after the Lions played because he was a Detroit Lion.

Speaker 1 That's, yeah, I think that's what everybody who's a Lions fan does, too. Yeah, he was just like,

Speaker 1 I had to smoke so much weed to just pretend that I wasn't on the Lions for a while. And I know this is going to sound like me bashing the Lions, but that is kind of what he said, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, it was pain, but pain is both physical and mental.

Speaker 1 If your brain is so dragged down to the point where the NFL is naming rules after you to say that what you did wasn't a catch, then yeah, you have a lot to forget about yourself.

Speaker 1 So go home, blaze it up. Absolutely, go for it.
He's also got the new, who's it, Isaac Bruce fingers? The fingers just everywhere. Yeah, the Booger hand.
Yeah, yeah, he's got fingers. The ball dinger.

Speaker 1 One dog's going this way, the other dog's going that way, and this guy's like, hey, what do you want from me?

Speaker 1 It's pretty ridiculous that off the top of my head, I can name like five different NFL players that all have disgusting fingers that make me want to throw up. Yes.
Anthony Munoz. Yeah, all these.

Speaker 1 Gross holders. All these are bad.
Gross.

Speaker 1 I kind of, I feel like that's such an alpha move to just walk in and like shake someone's hand and have your fingers just mangled and be like, yep, you want no pain?

Speaker 1 We have these like soft blogger hands that are just so, so gross because they're moist and

Speaker 1 years of just using a lot of lotion on them. Porcelain-like and just gross.
So much lotion. And then someone comes in with a finger just basically dangling on.

Speaker 1 They're like, yeah, you guys have never worked a hard time.

Speaker 1 Oh, that pinky, that pinky looks like it's been hitting the return button a lot. You know what's more alpha than that? Is giving somebody a handshake and not having a pinky.
Yes. At all.

Speaker 1 Oh, we're going to get to that. Yeah.
You want to hop to that? Let's go. All right.
Let's go right to it. Hopping up.
All right. We're going to hop ahead.
So last year,

Speaker 1 we do a dun chain. So this is a week that we're going to start dun chaining some teams where they're officially done.
They're officially crossed off. They're not going to make the playoffs.

Speaker 1 They're not going to win the Super Bowl. They're done.

Speaker 1 Last year, I dun chained the Houston Texans after week three, an 0-3 start.

Speaker 1 And I said, if the Texans win the Super Bowl, I will cut off the tip of my pinky. So it's from the nail up.
So I'll have no nail, I have a nub.

Speaker 1 And now I got so addicted to that bet that I am going to do the same thing this year. So I have a pinky team every year.
It's got to be a team that had playoff hopes, but has stumbled out of the gate.

Speaker 1 And I thought there's no better team than the team that I cannot quit. So I am going to have, I'm going to have to put my pinky up so that I will stop betting on this team.
It's your Atlanta Falcons.

Speaker 1 The Atlanta Falcons are done. The Atlanta Falcons are finished.
If the Atlanta Falcons win the Super Bowl this year, I will cut off the tip of my pinky from the nail up.

Speaker 1 And what are you going to do with your pinky with the nub after it's gone?

Speaker 1 I'm going to probably tattoo the end of the nub, something cool. So I was just like, what up? I like that.
Yeah, actually, I'll probably tattoo the Falcons Super Bowl ring.

Speaker 5 How would you explain that to your child in the future?

Speaker 1 To be like, hey, listen, let me tell you a story about Matt Ryan and Julio Jones. Yeah, daddy lost the family.
All sizzle, baby. Like, you cannot stop that offense unless it's in the red zone.

Speaker 1 Which, for this game, was just another perfect Atlanta Falcons game. I watched it all.
I bet on the Falcons. I cannot quit them.

Speaker 1 I think they're going to be good every single week. And every single week, Matt Ryan didn't even play bad, but he did the Matt Ryan.
They got to like the 28-yard line.

Speaker 1 He's like, hey, this seems like a good time to throw a pick and threw a pick. Julio Jones was living wide open in the red zone all day today.
And they went to him a few times.

Speaker 1 They didn't do the thing where they passed the ball a million times to Calvin Ridley. I'm double.

Speaker 1 The other side of that coin is Jacoby Brissett had a 310-yard game. He's probably the quietest.

Speaker 1 If Jacoby Brissette played 15 years ago, we would think he was an amazing quarterback. Like he's putting up stat lines that are good.
He's good. Yes, he's very, very good, but he's like quiet good.

Speaker 1 Right. It's like back when we were in college and you could download a song in under three minutes.
But that was amazing. Now it's like, okay, that's not bad, but it's not good.
But

Speaker 1 he will, within the next four weeks, get his Jacoby Brissette piece. He'll be on the

Speaker 1 Sunday morning show. He will have the sit-down interview.
Jeff Darlington will sit way too close to him in a huge facility.

Speaker 1 Maybe a Monday or Sunday night game where they talk about him non-stop. Jacoby Brissette will definitely become like the

Speaker 1 big piece of a game, a nationally televised game. And then, you know what happens.
We can talk about whether or not he's overrated.

Speaker 1 And we can talk about if they're better without Andrew Luck, which we can already

Speaker 1 do.

Speaker 1 We've started. So that's started.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing about Andrew Luck. Mr.
Fourth quarter. Yeah.
A lot of spectacular comebacks. Jacoby Brissett doesn't get his team in holes like Andrew Luck used to be.
He's starved. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, but I'm saying once Jacoby Brissett gets that spotlight, that shine, because it will happen,

Speaker 1 then we can start saying he's actually overrated and everyone stops sucking his dick. Right.

Speaker 1 Until the time when Bill Belichick presses the remote detonate button on him that he has on every player that used to be a Patriot to destroy a new locker room that he's in.

Speaker 1 Until that point occurs, then the Indianapolis Colts are strong contenders to not fuck up the AFC South. Yeah, so they're good.
I mean, Jacoby Prissette's good. The Colts are good.

Speaker 1 The Falcons are an utter disappointment. I will cut off the tip of my pinky if they win the Super Bowl.
I fucking hate this. 16 penalties.
How's that even possible? I don't know. 16 penalties.

Speaker 1 Dan Quinn, you should be ashamed of yourself. Pick more field goals, dude.
16 is almost like an unrealistic amount of at least. That's like what the Raiders aspire to in their heyday.
Right.

Speaker 1 That's like Al Davis' wet dream. He was like,

Speaker 1 I could only dream of having this much dirty laundry thrown over my field. Done with you, Falcon.
Dunshane. Done with you.
Dunchane. Okay.

Speaker 1 So that's official.

Speaker 1 And now they'll probably win every single game.

Speaker 1 Give me their upcoming schedule. Yeah, we need to talk about the entire schedule for the Falcon.
I'm sure they will definitely win at least three or four in a row and look awesome.

Speaker 1 And Julio Jones and Matt Ryan will do the whole thing. Well, here's the thing.
They are Tennessee win.

Speaker 5 Houston, win, Arizona, definitely.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 5 And then Los Angeles and Seattle, New Orleans.

Speaker 1 Well, here's the thing. They are definitely in the catbird seat of the NFC South because it's going to be them and the Saints.

Speaker 1 If the Saints can continue to tread water for the future, that's the only thing they are in the NFC South South. Because the NFC South is trash.
It's a big, flaming

Speaker 1 worst division in Poland. Yeah, sleep on Kyle Allen.
All right. All right.
Next game. Let's talk Jets, Patriots.

Speaker 1 Fuck you, Jared Stidham. Yes, absolutely.
Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Fuck you, Jared Stidham. And what we're talking about is the fact.
Actually, it's more Bill Belichick's fault because I don't, when did he start taking Tom Brady out?

Speaker 5 No, it was like the beginning of the fourth quarter.

Speaker 1 But he didn't take him out against the Dolphins when they're up 50. This game was.
Yeah. I mean,

Speaker 1 that's really what happened. So the Patriots were minus 21, and the Jets, the Patriots have not given up a touchdown on defense.
The Jets scored on a pick six, which Jared Siddham obviously gave.

Speaker 1 And was it a muff pun or something? Yeah, so

Speaker 1 that was the only way that they were going to not cover that spread. And Jared Siddhum came out through the pick six.
I don't know why he was in the game, but fuck you, dude. It sucked.

Speaker 1 It was like when you're beating somebody down Madden and then you give your little brother the controller and you leave the room for a second. Guess what? And you're like, give me that fucking back.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Give it back to me.
No celebrity shots, Jared Siddham. It's in the Barstool headquarters.
We have a Twitch stream that basically people play Madden all the time.

Speaker 1 And I've somehow convinced people that when I come in, I get one guest play, and I think I'm like 75% for throwing an interception on the guest play.

Speaker 1 I am Jared Sitten back.

Speaker 1 Never let Jared Sitten back in. And now they've got the Patriots are going to have to deal with Julian Edelman.
He's kind of fucked up. Yep.
Josh Gordon is a little bit fucked up.

Speaker 1 You can have your rib, Jules. Dude, Josh Gordon's so fucked up.

Speaker 1 Hank will give you your rib. Josh Gordon,

Speaker 5 it helps me because, you know, Josh Gordon,

Speaker 1 I thought he for sure was going to be out of the game. He was tough as hell.

Speaker 5 Did you see his quotes after? He was like, yeah, that's like, he likes playing hurt.

Speaker 1 He likes playing hurt, feeling a lot of something. Yeah,

Speaker 1 there's something to be said for that. Like, feeling a little bit of pain feels good sometimes.

Speaker 5 Um, okay, I will say, though, the Patriots losing uh or giving up that touchdown was sad because I don't know if you guys are watching the broadcast, but they kept showing it's been X number of days, hours, and minutes since the Patriots left a touchdown, and then like 20 minutes later, they just added 20 minutes to the clock.

Speaker 1 Oh, that sucks. I'm sorry.
Now that's gone. I'm sorry.
Okay, well, let's talk about

Speaker 1 something more obviously newsworthy than the Patriots this last weekend.

Speaker 1 Antonio Brown. Yep, cut by the Patriots.
Who?

Speaker 1 So, Hank, what would you like to say?

Speaker 5 I would like to say the Patriots made the right decision. I mean, clearly.

Speaker 1 By signing him. No, but

Speaker 5 all that stuff that he did before was on other teams, and then once they

Speaker 5 were clear, they gave him a second chance. And then it was clear that he was a child.

Speaker 1 So Jay Simpson's a free agent.

Speaker 1 Ray Caruth hasn't been clear.

Speaker 5 That once his behaviors were still happening when he was assigned member of the Patriots, they cut him immediately, which is all you can do.

Speaker 1 Okay, so once you become a member of the Patriots, everything in your past is wiped clean.

Speaker 5 No, I mean, do you guys not believe in second chances?

Speaker 1 I believe in, yeah, second, third, fifth, whatever. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing.

Speaker 1 Antonio Brown played us all like fiddles because now he's a fan of the future.

Speaker 5 The stuff that he's getting investigated for, there's been a precedent sent from years over the league of people playing under those same circumstances.

Speaker 5 It's not like the Patriots let Antonio Brown play.

Speaker 1 It's a big mess.

Speaker 5 It was clear that he was doing fucking shady shit as a member of the Patriots played.

Speaker 1 I can't believe he did that. Yeah.
He should have destroyed his phone. Then it would have been fine.

Speaker 5 Him going after Crafto-that was a mistake.

Speaker 1 He did? Oh, mystery. What did he say? He tweeted.
He said different strokes for different folks. Oh, I guess some people can

Speaker 1 get down like that. That is pretty funny.
That's good. And he went after Shannon Sharp.
Yeah, well, Shannon Sharp. So Shannon Sharp.

Speaker 5 Shannon Sharp snitched on himself.

Speaker 1 Well, yes. Shannon Sharp is one of those guys.
Like, why are you talking about anyone when you have a lot of skeletons in your closet, buddy?

Speaker 1 But Shannon Sharp, always the word word Smith, went with that picture where he called him Clown Tonio Brown.

Speaker 1 His last name rhymes with Clown.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like his last name rhymes.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be honest with you. I like Clown Tonio.
Antonio Brown.

Speaker 1 Clown Tonio kind of pops to me. Literally, Antonio Clown.

Speaker 1 Nah. It rhymes.

Speaker 1 Clantonio. Clantonio pops.
He thought he crushed that too. He's like, watch this.
Clown Tonio Brown. Does that that even make sense? I don't mind that at all.

Speaker 1 I think Antonio Brown is one of these situations where, like, he's been in the news, and yes, I was addicted to the Antonio Brown news cycle. Yeah, do you feel a little dirty?

Speaker 1 No, well, it's been like three days since, or I guess it's really only half a day since he tweeted. But any real news about Antonio Brown has been like three days ago.
Well, and he quit.

Speaker 1 He didn't get fired. He quit.
He quit, and he's done playing. He quit the year.

Speaker 1 He's going to retire to start his lucrative helmet company. Yes.
I think he's going to get back to you. But I think there's actually something wrong with him.
Yeah, no.

Speaker 1 And I didn't want to see him play this year because I think that there's he's not well. There's a darker side to all of this.
Yes. It's like feels a little,

Speaker 1 I don't know what the hell is going to happen with him, especially now that he's just, he's not, he quit the NFL. He just needs to drink more water.

Speaker 1 He can wear magnetic sleep clothes and stop eating tomatoes. All right, so the beat goes on for the Patriots.
Have not given up a touchdown.

Speaker 1 Like I said, I think it's the first time I read this, that first time a team's ever done that in the Super Bowl era, where they went three games without giving up a a touchdown.

Speaker 1 Not the era before that when I don't think they scored touchdowns. Touchdowns were actually illegal.

Speaker 1 No forward passes. Yeah, when the Packers won all their world championships.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Raiders-Vikings. Yes.
My dunchain, by the way, is the Vikings. Oh, what? I'm dunchaining them.
How can you dunch him? Don't win. I'm dunching off a win.
Two and one. Because I got balls.

Speaker 1 That's why. Okay.
Because Kirk Cousins sucked. I'm that confident.
This was the ultimate Kirk Cousins game. I could have told you going into it.
They're playing playing the Raiders at home.

Speaker 1 Kirk Cousins is not going to throw an interception. He's going to throw a touchdown.
He's going to look halfway decent. This is the Kirk Cousins game right here.

Speaker 1 Well, so if the Vikings win the Super Bowl, you'll cut your pinky off. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not a pinky guy. No, no, we're just dunno.

Speaker 1 We dun chain every week, Hank. This is my

Speaker 1 first dun chain. This is a cocky dunchain.
It's a very cocky. It's kind of making a mockery of the dun chain.
I think it's actually putting the dungeon on a pedestal.

Speaker 1 I'm respecting the dungeon so much. So here's where I'll disagree.

Speaker 1 The Kirk Cousins, I agree that Kirk Cousins stinks, and the goal, like we've said, is for the Vikings to pay Kirk Cousins to not throw the football. But Dalvin Cook is a monster.
He's very good.

Speaker 1 He is a monster. He's a cookie monster.
And they now have that identity where it's like, we are going to run the ball and play defense and hope Kirk Cousins doesn't fuck up.

Speaker 1 On the flip side, on the other side, the Raiders. I have a question for you, PFT.

Speaker 1 This game was the first day. of a 48-day road trip where the Raiders will not play at home.

Speaker 1 The circus isn't down.

Speaker 1 They play at the Colts. They go to London to play the Bears.
They play the Packers and the Texans both on the road. God damn, John Gruden in London is going to be amazing to watch.
So 48 days, right?

Speaker 1 So they're not going to be home for one, two, three. You're going to lift

Speaker 1 five weeks, four games.

Speaker 1 Will Derek Carr be the starting quarterback when the Oakland Raiders play their next game in Oakland? And let me ask you this. I'll phrase it two ways.

Speaker 1 There's the, he could get benched, or he could get very, very injured because their offensive line is still a very big problem, and they can't run the ball, and he's getting the shit kicked out.

Speaker 1 Well, there's also the possibility that John Gruden leaves him over in London, which

Speaker 1 I think he's going to get frustrated with him by then. I think that there's a very good chance because he likes Peterman.
Yeah. John Gruen

Speaker 1 is a really big fan of the Peterman, man. And I think that

Speaker 1 he doesn't have any ties whatsoever to Derek Carr. He doesn't give a shit about Derek Carr.
No, he definitely. He actively hates Derek Carr.

Speaker 1 So I would say, yes, I think it's probably like a 33, 40% chance that it's not Derek Carr by the time they get back.

Speaker 1 Did anybody actually watch this game, the Vikings Raiders? Yes, I did. Okay.
I wasn't sure that they played it because I looked at the stat line. It was just so fucking boring.

Speaker 1 Well, and then Derek Carr did the classic drive that meant nothing at the end to make his stats look halfway decent.

Speaker 1 Like, if you looked at the box score, I think he threw 250 yards and two touchdowns and interception.

Speaker 1 75 yards came on that last 65 yards came on that last touchdown drive. So he really threw for like 170 yards and a touchdown and interception.
Right, the garbage time. Right.
The Marcus Mariota drive.

Speaker 1 It's a nice little trick where you look at it and you're like, Derek Carr wasn't the problem.

Speaker 1 But I mean, his offensive line is terrible, and the defense can't stop anything, and the Raiders are just not there.

Speaker 1 So the worst thing that could happen to him is that they have to then go play four games on the road, one of them being in London. Yeah, who are they playing against in London?

Speaker 1 They're playing the Bears. The Bears in London.
Yeah, okay. I mean,

Speaker 1 they play two very good defenses in the Bears and the Packers, and they play two very good offenses in the Colts and the Texans. Jacob said who he said.

Speaker 1 So they're going to come back to Oakland one in six. They're going to be banged up.

Speaker 1 John Gruden might just stay in London getting into a staring contest with the Buckingham Palace guard, just looking at each other. This guy's cracking me up.
It's going to be a long trip for them.

Speaker 1 So I would say

Speaker 1 I'm going to say it. Derek Carr will not be the starting quarterback for the Oakland Raiders when they play their next game in Oakland.
All right, so who does he go with? Glennon or Peterman?

Speaker 1 Let's all hope Peterman. Let's all sit together, join hands, and hope for Nathan Peterman.
Yes. Okay, a good game that we had on Sunday, Ravens Chiefs, maybe a playoff preview.
Did you see that tweet?

Speaker 1 Who tweeted that? Bleacher Report tweeted. Bleacher Report said

Speaker 1 it was Lamar Jackson and Patrick Mahomes high-fiving after the game said, see you in the AFC Championship game.

Speaker 1 Huh. As a Patriots fan, I was sick to my stomach.
This is the kind of stuff that pisses me off. It's funny.
Well, so

Speaker 1 here is the thing, though. Wait, wait, I need to put myself better in a mindset of a Patriots fan.
So when I saw that as a die-hard New England homer, I was like, god damn it, this is more disrespect.

Speaker 1 But to you, it was just like, ha, that's cute. Yeah.
Okay. Oh, you're tickled.
You were tickled. So I'm not offended by it anymore.

Speaker 1 I actually think it's funny. Slight bemusement.

Speaker 5 If a player had said that, that weren't that

Speaker 1 Bolsonboard. Yeah.
Bleach Report is just being stupid. Bleach Report's fucking clowns.
If you think of it. Bleach Report is major clown Tonio Brown's.

Speaker 1 Did you see the highlight, the LSU pancake highlight?

Speaker 1 That they like, I don't know what they did to it, but they made the guy look like an actual pancake.

Speaker 1 And they totally missed that the LSU offensive lineman had two pancakes in one play because they wanted to flex their sweet graphics designer. It was pretty sweet.
He injury

Speaker 1 dimensional. It looked very bad, injury-wise, to become an actual pancake.
He was so flat, Chris Collinsworth was getting a hard on him.

Speaker 1 Oh, geez. Okay, so

Speaker 1 Ravens,

Speaker 1 the Ravens, John Harbaugh knew this game. Actually, we're joking about the playoff implications, but he knew that, like, you know, the Patriots have probably the first seed.

Speaker 1 It's going to be Chiefs or Patriots for first seed.

Speaker 1 But the second seed in the home buy is going to be up in the air. And the way he coached that game,

Speaker 1 he coached it like it was a December game. They went for two three times.
They had the Justin Tucker hilarious drop kick, whatever the fuck that was. That was obviously late.

Speaker 1 But there was felt like a sense of urgency from the Ravens, and their defense let them down.

Speaker 1 And I don't know if you can even say that that's, like, when Patrick Mahomes only throws three touchdowns, you can actually spin it to we kind of contain Patrick Mahomes.

Speaker 1 But their defense got shredded. I think Patrick Mahomes only threw one touchdown over 50 yards today, which is a win.
Damn. Which is a win for your defense, if you can believe that.

Speaker 1 How many did Mitch throw? last week, just curious. Okay, why are you doing this?

Speaker 1 Your team is the Redskins.

Speaker 1 I have one day left before my team embarrasses me on national. You should be happy looking forward to tomorrow, actually.

Speaker 1 Like today was probably the most fun I've had watching football in the last several years because I knew that my Arwords couldn't disappoint me. Here's the thing.
All the people out there, I see you.

Speaker 1 Every time I say anything about any quarterback, no matter what level of football I'm talking about, you reply, Mitch, he's better than Mitch.

Speaker 1 So I'll be like, hey, check out this quarterback for Coastal Carolina. What an idiot.
Like, he's better than Mitch. Guess what? The joke's been made.
And guess what?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it still does hurt my feelings.

Speaker 1 So stop. Good job.
So stop doing it. No, but seriously, like not having your team fuck up on

Speaker 1 Sunday is wonderful. Oh, yeah.
I was so free watching these.

Speaker 1 It's actually like a great week for Redskins fans because Tony Wiley quit as vice president of communications for the team.

Speaker 1 So we'll probably do some fucked up and stupid, like hiring Antonio Brown to be in charge of media relations. Did you see, by the way, Booger, our guy, but Booger.

Speaker 1 Booger needs to go go to the tent because he said Bruce Allen's doing a good job with the team. So we got Booger and then Steve.
Booger's got to go into the tent. Get him in there fast.

Speaker 1 That's tough. All right, so back to this game.
Ravens, Chiefs, Lamar Jackson, stunk to start,

Speaker 1 electric in the fourth quarter. I love it because it basically satiated both sides of Lamar Jackson Twitter.
Yeah, you have enough material to work with no matter what your argument is.

Speaker 1 And that's all that you need. And he's going to be dangerously confident going into the next game because he had those two throws, which were across his body, straight up in the air.

Speaker 1 The wounded ducks that he threw that both somehow got recepted.

Speaker 1 So he's going to be very, very confident in those broken down plays, and it's probably not going to work out well for him. But he's still, I thought he played pretty well in the second half.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the fourth quarter, he was electric. I mean, those, when Lamar runs, it is shades of like early Michael Vick, where there's no one else in the NFL who can do what he's doing.

Speaker 1 You know what he reminds me of? That movie Adam Sandler was in, not Boner Dogs, but the one where he had the remote click? Click.

Speaker 1 Where he could pause and fast forward stuff while he stayed on the street. He just ripped off Save by the Bell.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so in that Save by the Bell episode, if that was Lamar Jackson, he would just pause it and then, or he'd fast forward in a second while he stood still.

Speaker 1 Defenders just didn't know where to go around it. Like they were moving while he was still.
He was moving while they were still. It was fun to watch.
Okay, next up we have Broncos Packers.

Speaker 1 The Packers jerseys are fucking disgusting. I don't care if you're a Packers fan.
You have to admit they're gross. Those are gross.
As a team owner, I think that they serve a good...

Speaker 1 They're so stupid that we go down every game. You're like, as a fan of this team, they serve a purpose.
They're so fucking ugly that nobody wants to get near them and tackle them. They're so gross.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is really bad. The all-yellow helmet, the piss helmet, is not a good look.
And I think when they give Aaron Rodgers that piss helmet, they give him a larger size as a joke.

Speaker 1 It's also not, I'm not, I'm not like the, when the, when the, uh, Steelers wear their bumblebees, those are gross. Throwback jerseys should be perfect.
They should be immaculate.

Speaker 1 They should be the jerseys everyone's like, oh my God, I wish they wore these every single week.

Speaker 5 And it should mean something. It should be like the Brett Barr jerseys when they won the Super Bowl.
Right.

Speaker 1 It should be. It should.
I don't know if they, I don't know if they've updated their jerseys. They haven't.
It just, when you wear your throwbacks, everyone should be like, these are awesome.

Speaker 1 Wearing bad throwbacks is completely pointless. Well, the only part of those uniforms I like are the khaki pants.

Speaker 1 Business time. So stupid.
All right. So the other thing I wrote down, Aaron Rodgers cheats.
He cheats. He cheats.

Speaker 1 His little thing he does at the line of scrimmage where he always gets the guys off sides, I think it's cheating.

Speaker 1 I don't think in the name of sportsmanship that quarterbacks should be trying to get the defense to go offsides like that. Well, what is he doing? Is he clapping his hands?

Speaker 1 No, he's just doing the hut, hut.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then he gets him every single time.

Speaker 1 He literally scored a touchdown from it. Aaron Rodgers should not be allowed to do hard counts.

Speaker 1 In the spirit of the game, PFT,

Speaker 1 you are deliberately trying to deceive your opponent. Do you think that that's something that we should be applauding in America? I don't.
Nope. I think if you're not cheating, you're not trying.

Speaker 1 Well done, Dan.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, something to think about. I have a quote for you from Emmanuel Sanders.
We sit at 0-3 living in the world of suck.

Speaker 1 That sucks. That would be awful, living in the world of suck.
And to be fair, the Broncos do. They're not even a fun 0-3.
If you're going to be fun, at least be like spectacularly bad. Right.

Speaker 1 They're just like, we lose games 10 to 17 suck. Right.
Our defense is still pretty good, and Joe Flacco is barely a game manager, and we suck. Yeah,

Speaker 1 they re-stub their toe really bad and step on a Lego every time.

Speaker 1 And you know what's the worst part about the Broncos?

Speaker 1 John Elway is going to fire Vic Fangio.

Speaker 1 After what? No, I don't think so. He's an idiot.
I don't think so. He's an idiot.
John Elway is an air. John Elway is an idiot.

Speaker 1 He is our smooth idiot, but I don't think that he's going to fire Vic Fangio after one year because Vic Fangio is the exact guy that is in no danger of having quarterbacks surpass any of John Elway's records.

Speaker 1 No, John Elway is going to ⁇ if you're a Broncos fan, tweet us your real thoughts about John Elway at this point. Is he at the point where he has

Speaker 1 soured your memories of John Elway? This is actually

Speaker 1 a good life lesson, though. This is a good life lesson.
If you're going to suck as an owner or GM, do it with a different team than you played for.

Speaker 1 Like Michael Jordan going and ruining the Hornets, that's smart. No, it's hilarious.
Right. It's funny.
Like Jarek Jeter ruining the Marlins, that's funny.

Speaker 1 That's something totally different. If you ruin the team you played for, your fan base eventually is going to be like, hey, it was awesome.
You were awesome. You won two Super Bowls.

Speaker 1 But dude, you stink. John Elway is the kind of guy that he will be totally happy having a coach that is just bad enough for him to put all the blame in the world on.

Speaker 1 He's going to keep them in quarterback health for a while. I just want to hear from Broncos fans.
I want to hear where you're at on the like, John Elway,

Speaker 1 you need to go away so that the Broncos. And I know they won the Super Bowl, but that was Peyton Manning kind of falling in their lap, and they have not been able to find a quarterback.

Speaker 1 They had a really good defense, too. They traded for Joe Flacco.

Speaker 1 He's going to fire Vic Fangio. I don't know.
He's going to do it. He's an idiot.
He's going to do it. John Elway is going to spend the entire offseason looking for the next Joe Flacco, right?

Speaker 1 So think about who the next Joe Flacco is, like an old quarterback that used to be, he's probably going to trade for Eli. Let's be honest.
He's probably going to get Eli in there.

Speaker 1 Probably going to get Big Ben in there, try to get that entire class of quarterbacks. He's like, these guys won Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 We can do it again. Yeah, one of these four guys can do it.
Yeah, Matt Schaub. Yes, Matt.
Be the backup for all three of them. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 Like, John Elway, he's, I don't think he's going to drive the franchise into the ground, but he's going to make him very extremely 8-8 over the course of the next 40 years.

Speaker 1 That is driving the Broncos into the ground because the Broncos, sneaky, are one of the most successful franchises in NFL history. Like, they go years,

Speaker 1 they went years without having back-to-back bad seasons. They don't, I think they're one of like three or four teams that has never had a first pick in the draft.
John Elway is already doing that.

Speaker 1 Like, the Broncos actually meant something. The Broncos were consistently good year in, year out.
They're kind of like the Steelers in that respect, where they may dip, but they don't dip hard.

Speaker 1 And they're dipping hard right now. Yeah.
So I'm just saying, I'm asking for the feedback from Broncos fans. Okay.
Yeah, Broncos.

Speaker 1 I will say, though, when Drew Locke comes back, he's probably going to get in for Joe Flacco. I would hope so.
You got to at least give them something to roof.

Speaker 1 As an executive who is not very good at his job, John Elway can only say with a straight face that Joe Flacco is our future so many weeks and win them without a win.

Speaker 1 I think after like six or seven weeks, he'll be like, you know what, Drew's healthy. We're going to run the kid out there, see what he does.

Speaker 1 Then they're going to fuck him up, and then Eli is going to come in next year. Yeah.
I'm holding on hope because the Packers' offense still doesn't look like it works fully. So I'm holding on hope.

Speaker 1 But their defense. It's bullshit they're winning with defense.

Speaker 1 That's another thing they're cheating with.

Speaker 1 The Packers shouldn't be able to win with the defense. Their defense is really, really good.
It's both. Danny Vitale had a great game, too.

Speaker 1 You get two Hall of Fame quarterbacks back-to-back in like a 30-year span, so you never have to have bad quarterback play. You shouldn't get to win with your defense.

Speaker 1 That's cheating. Cheating is a good thing.
The Packers are cheating. They're going along with the hard count.
Yes, to go along with the fact that it's cold there in the playoffs. Right.

Speaker 1 Yes, all these things are cheating.

Speaker 1 Dolphins, Cowboys. Yes.
Oh, wait, before we do that.

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Speaker 1 Dolphins Cowboys. Yes.
I got a new thing we got to do. Say something nice about the Dolphins.
Every single week, we're going to say one nice thing about the Dolphins. I have something.

Speaker 1 They held the Cowboys to 10 points in the first half. That's pretty nice.
That was nice. They are adapting to their quarterback.

Speaker 1 who has a problem with authority by giving him a head coach that commands none of it. There we go.

Speaker 1 Their color color rush uniforms were looking good. Candy ass.
No, they looked good. They were kind of candy ass.

Speaker 1 They don't become candy ass until they have to be in cold weather. It's funny because they actually look more candy ass when they're not covering the ass with a candy color.
Right.

Speaker 1 When it's just the top.

Speaker 1 But if that's more candy ass. But they did the color rush and it was in Dallas, so it didn't look candy ass.
It's candy ass when they wear those

Speaker 1 teals in Aqua in Buffalo. In the snow.
In December. In the snow.
Then it's candy ass. Then it looks like they didn't want to get off the bus.
Right. It looks really bad.

Speaker 1 Josh Rosen's hat line? No, not really. 200 yards.
200 yards. But he did go 18 for 39.
But still, that's much better. The Taco Carlton Revenge game.

Speaker 1 He had a sack. Yes.
Good job, Taco. There we go.
Taco Sunday. Let's see.
Anything else? Well, no.

Speaker 1 They're not going to win seven games. Are you ready to admit that?

Speaker 1 I may have jumped the gun on that. Listen, I need to come to reckoning with a take, and I think it's time to just accept it rather than keep fighting against it.

Speaker 1 The Dolphins will probably only win six, and I admit I was wrong. There you go.
I'll be the bigger man in this situation. Seven games is a lot, and the AFC East is wide open.

Speaker 1 Who do the Dolphins have on their schedule?

Speaker 1 Will they have like a 30-point spread? Does it matter who they have on their schedule? Well,

Speaker 1 I don't know. It really doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 You're probably right. Yeah.
They might have a 30-point spread at some point this season because they just that was a 22-point spread and the Cowboys covered it.

Speaker 1 And the Dolphins actually played, I mean, they weren't

Speaker 1 terrible to Herbal. They were better than the first two weeks.

Speaker 1 They got rid of Minka Fitzpatrick, who instantly made an impact for the Steelers. Like, I'm talking huge impact on defense for them.

Speaker 1 Shit, I wish they played the Chiefs or something in Arrowhead. That would have been a 30-point spread.
No, yeah, at least. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, so the Cowboys are very good. I don't know how good because it feels like, so they beat the Giants.
Who did they beat last week? Last week, the Cowboys beat, I don't know. I forget.

Speaker 1 Oh, the Redskins. That's right.
So they beat the Giants, the Redskins, and the Dolphins. Not exactly.
I've been sunshine myself on that one. Not exactly Murderer's Row there of teams.

Speaker 1 Next week, they're playing in the dome against New Orleans. I'm excited for that one.
But Dallas, I think, is very, very good. Kellen Moore is going to be the hot new name.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Kellen Moore is already, like, it's very clear that Jason Garrett needs to start looking for houses in different cities.

Speaker 1 Or at least just, I don't know, like maybe put some Visine in Kellen Moore's water bottle before a game. Get him out of there so you can win a game easily with yourself.

Speaker 1 Because Kellen Moore, like they're doing crazy things, like having Dak, you know, play action and having a nice run-pass balance and not running in eight-man boxes.

Speaker 1 Like novel concepts that the Cowboys weren't able to grasp. Kellen Moore has, and now they look like a next-level offense.
No, it's kind of crazy.

Speaker 1 So I want to put this out there in the tickler file for you.

Speaker 1 Mike Gundy

Speaker 1 taking an NFL job next year.

Speaker 1 Kellen Moore, head coach, Oklahoma State Cowboys.

Speaker 1 I don't think Mike Gundy's ever leaving. He's one of those lifers.

Speaker 1 Now that T-Boon's gone. No.
He's got nothing holding on. He's probably in T-Boon's will.
He needs to fly like a freebird. That mullet.

Speaker 1 It's probably T-Boon's will was like, here's like $10 million every year that Mike Gundy stays. Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 I think there's a good chance that Mike Gundy is going to go to maybe the Vikings. You're just making this up? Yeah, maybe, yeah, maybe Carolina.
This is just totally made up.

Speaker 1 I think that Gundy's wanted to go to the NFL for a while. What? Yeah.
Based on what? Based on rumors and shit in the past. From who?

Speaker 1 I'm not going to give my sources up on these rumors. I think Mike Gundy is not going to be a college lifer.

Speaker 1 Well, okay, so now we're making a bet that you can go for the next 30 years. I'm just putting that in the phone.
Give us a definitive time for it. I said it was the tickler film.

Speaker 1 Give us a definitive time for it. I think that there's a lot of weird shit that's going to be going on in

Speaker 1 Oklahoma State. They're going to have to figure out who's being the behind-the-scenes warlord that's calling all the shots in Stillwater.

Speaker 1 And that this would be an exit time for Gundy if there ever was one.

Speaker 1 The problem is, Lincoln Riley is going to, he is the hot name in the Big 12. So he's going to hop Mike.
You know, he's already hopped Mike Gundy. He doesn't want to compete against Lincoln Riley.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. Lincoln Riley's going to go to the NFL.
No, no, no. Lincoln Riley is staying in Oklahoma.
You're getting us all wrong. Mike Gundy is going to Houston.
Got it. The Texans.
Yes. Okay.

Speaker 1 Or the Vikings. Or the Panthers.

Speaker 1 Or the Cowboys. Any one of these teams that doesn't have a current opening.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Haven't we done enough to Oklahoma State when Hank falsely tweeted that their star wide receiver was out for the season last year? James Conner. Yeah.

Speaker 1 James Washington. James Washington.
That was like two or three years ago. But to be fair, there was a material change.
So at the time, he was out for the season. Then he got an MRI.

Speaker 1 He did go to the the doctor's office. He did.
What's up with Leroy's

Speaker 1 Jalen Ramsey to the Chiefs? It still could happen. Right, but that was very premature.
It still could happen. Listen, Leroy's batting about 500, which isn't bad for a blind dog.

Speaker 1 But you have people believing shit now. Well, that's their fault.
It's dangerous. I can't control what they believe or not.

Speaker 1 The danger is Leroy's a very good boy, and he's gotten about 50% of his scoops right. Very dangerous.
And owned the Antonio, excuse me, Clown Tonio Brown. Clown Tonio Brown.

Speaker 1 All right, Bengals Bills. I don't know what to make of the Bengals defense because it's schizophrenic.

Speaker 1 It looked terrible last week, and then it looked actually good this week and kept him in the game. Josh Allen's legit.
And Frank Gore,

Speaker 1 he's 36 years old. He's never going to stop.
I don't understand how running backs shouldn't be playing at 30.

Speaker 1 Frank Gore, this would be a take. Frank Gore, at his age, is more impressive than Tom Brady at his age.
Oh, wow. 36 years old? You can't.
That's quite a tick.

Speaker 1 You shouldn't be running for five yards of carry in the NFL at 36 years old. Well, to be fair, that's not Frank Gore's style.
Like, this was a flashy game for Frank Gore. I know.

Speaker 1 Frank Gore is used to getting 3.1 yards of carry and probably still could be doing that when he's 45, 50 years old. It's crazy, though.
It is nuts. So good for Frank Gore.

Speaker 1 Josh Allen, I think, is the new Cam Newton, as we've been calling him. He is,

Speaker 1 I think, now on the Mount Rushmore Bills quarterbacks. Already? Jim Kelly, Kyle Orton,

Speaker 1 Kyle Bowler. Kyle Bowler.
And

Speaker 1 Andy Dalton. T-Mobile.
And Andy Dalton.

Speaker 1 Andy got him into the playoffs a couple years ago, and he's doing the same again this year. So shout out Andy Dalton.

Speaker 1 The Bills are making the playoffs, by the way. Dude, I'm going to say it.
Bills are winning 10 games. The Bills,

Speaker 1 you're on a take machine right now. Do you disagree?

Speaker 1 I'd have to see them. I want to see them next week against the, because similar to the Cowboys, they played the Jets, the Giants,

Speaker 1 and the Bengals. So you have

Speaker 1 one in eight. So he's combined.
He's beaten the entire state. Look, I love the Bills.
I think they're

Speaker 1 defense fucks. Their defense is awesome.

Speaker 1 I think it's going to be hard to make the playoffs in the AFC because although there's teams that are falling off, I mean, the Steelers sucking helps. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the Chargers not being able to get out of their own way. But, like, think about it.
The Colts, the Colts, the Texans, the Jaguars, the Ravens, the Browns.

Speaker 1 Should I keep going? No, I still think the Bills are in there.

Speaker 1 No, they'll be in the mix.

Speaker 1 I'm putting Buffalo, not on the hot seat, but I'm saying the spotlight is on the city of Buffalo this week because the Patriots will come to town on Sunday.

Speaker 1 Sell all the dildos, all the folding tables. I'm going to move to Buffalo during the week and open up a dildo and folding table store and retire a billionaire because that crowd is going to be insane.

Speaker 1 Was it New Era Field? Yeah.

Speaker 1 New Era is going to just be filled with drunk.

Speaker 1 lovable morons.

Speaker 1 I'm looking at their schedule right now. I can get on the 10-win game

Speaker 1 bandwagon. I can get on it.
This is senior problem for the Buffalo this weekend. Two more against the Dolphins.
That's easy. Boom, boom.
Well, one and a two. That's five.
Ryan Fitzpatrick Ravinchka.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, but

Speaker 1 I'll get on board with that.

Speaker 1 This game next week, 3-0 versus 3-0, if the Bills win this game, I would guess it's the biggest win in Bills since, I don't know, like 20 years, 25 years.

Speaker 1 It's the biggest win in Bills. Because they didn't win the playoff game that they were in.
They're just almost beating the Jaguars.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but this, no, this would probably be the biggest game, the biggest win they've had in like two decades. Yeah.
It's going to be big for sure.

Speaker 1 Here's what's going to happen. Flex, it's a Sunday night.
Yeah. Flex, it's a Monday night.
Or Sunday afternoon. Yeah.
It's Sunday at one o'clock. Give us just madness.
It's too early.

Speaker 1 I need the fans in Buffalo to have a good, solid 12 to 15 hours of pregaming before this one.

Speaker 1 I love Buffalo, too, because the cold weather cities, when you have these hot games in September, you just look at the crowd and everyone is violently sunburnt because they just can't, they should not be in the sun that long.

Speaker 1 By halftime, there's sun poisoning in half the stadium. They look like Mike Shanahan and Tom Coughlin, just sweating way too much.
Yeah, here's what I'm not looking forward to.

Speaker 1 If they do lose to the Patriots, and it's a good chance that they do, because this is what the New England Patriots do, is they break people's hearts.

Speaker 1 The word fraud is going to get tossed around.

Speaker 1 And I'm totally

Speaker 1 preemptively disavowing the fraud. I agree.
They're not frauds.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I think the Bills would make the playoffs too. I'll do it.
Okay. We're in.
It's the reverse dungeon. Hank is just smiling at us, looking like we're idiots.
Fine, Hank. You don't like Josh Allen?

Speaker 5 I love Josh Allen. I love Bills Mafia.

Speaker 1 Should we go down the list of friends of the program and you can say who you think is good and who's not? Yeah, let's do it. Okay.
Jared Goff. Love him.
Can't get enough. Blake Portals.
Love him.

Speaker 1 Jim Harbaugh. To death.
Mitch Trubisky.

Speaker 5 Love him.

Speaker 1 Patrick Mahomes. Love him.
You love him? Yeah. Great guy.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Who don't you love?

Speaker 5 I love everyone. I'm a loving guy.

Speaker 1 It doesn't sound like the way that you were talking.

Speaker 1 There's too much hate in this world. The way you were talking before we started recording was interesting.

Speaker 5 I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 Panthers, Cardinals.

Speaker 1 Kyle Allen, are we going to do this? I think we need to establish...

Speaker 1 We need to establish some sort of rating for quarterbacks that you think are going to suck that don't suck as bad as you think they're going to suck. Yeah.
So it's like the Moxie meter.

Speaker 1 A new quarterback, you have to use the word moxie. Maybe it's

Speaker 1 the case meter, because remember that Case Keenum game when John Gruden was like audibly orgasming Monday Night Football? Yeah. He's like, this guy's a ninja, man.
What about the case mometer?

Speaker 1 The case mometer. The guy who you think is going to suck, who actually comes in and does well.
And doesn't suck as bad as you think he's going to suck. Yes.
I think he's at like...

Speaker 1 What was the name of that Rams quarterback? You can judge on the scale of Daltons because if you think about it, going going back to Andy when he was a second-round pick, I think, right?

Speaker 1 Or third-rounder? Yes. To Cincinnati, you thought he was going to suck when you got.
He had all the intangibles of sucking. Right.
Went to a smaller school, had the red hair. That's basically it.

Speaker 1 But everyone thought he was going to suck. And then he got in.
We're like, wow, this guy isn't that bad because he has A.J. Green.
Yes. So on the

Speaker 1 case mometer, each degree should be measured in Daltons. Yeah, I like that.
So I think Kyle Allen gets on a scale of 10 Daltons. He gets a six in terms of his Moxie.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Six in terms of my, I got to find this Rams quarterback because it's all, I mean, Casey Keenan obviously played for the Rams as well. He's a quarterback that you.
Austin Davis. Okay.
Austin Davis.

Speaker 1 Remember Austin Davis? Yeah. Everyone's like, hey, Austin Davis.
And he wasn't that bad. And he was bad, but he wasn't that bad.
Here's how you can tell if you have a quarterback that has moxie.

Speaker 1 You would never say that a really good quarterback has Moxie. For example, when Peyton Manning played in his rookie year, you would never be like, wow, look at that guy's Moxie.

Speaker 1 Through the most interceptions, right? Ever. Well, you would never look at Tom Brady and say, Tom Brady plays with a lot of Moxie.
He's above Moxie. Right.
Right.

Speaker 1 If you have Moxie, it means I can see you potentially getting to and losing a wild card game. Well, if you have Moxie, you suck, but just like you're too dumb to realize you suck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, which makes you good. You're surprising us all that you're actually good.
Right. Because you look kind of like a doofy.
You don't realize that you're actually not that talented. Yes.

Speaker 1 So by sheer like stupidity, you become talented. So what we're saying is Kyle Allen.
It's kind of us. Kyle Allen.
We actually are a Moxie podcast. Kyle, yeah.

Speaker 1 We're too dumb to realize we shouldn't be doing this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm definitely pretty high on the Dalton scale in terms of like a guy that looks like a huge idiot that sometimes will say something that's not a total, totally moronic thing to say.

Speaker 1 And then other times, I'll say things like, The Buffalo Bills are going to win the Super Bowl. 10 wins.
10 wins.

Speaker 1 That actually wasn't okay. The Dolphins winning seven.
Mike Gundy is going to be the coach of the Carolina Panthers.

Speaker 1 Sort of throwing that out. Boy, will I have a good laugh if that happens next 30 years.

Speaker 1 Okay, so with all that said about Kyle Allen, four touchdowns, QB controversy? I think you got to say. Well, I'm going to wait to see what Cam's Instagram captures.

Speaker 1 Did Cam wear an outfit for this game? Did he go?

Speaker 1 He definitely got a fit off.

Speaker 1 I almost said Ryan Rivera.

Speaker 1 Ron Rivera was so mad at his press conference when people kept on asking about Cam that he left the press conference area and then tried to walk out and then just kept on talking.

Speaker 1 Because, you know, the press conference rooms are surprisingly tiny. So it's always so funny when a coach is like, this is over.

Speaker 1 And then he's standing in the corner and he's still very, very close to everyone being like, I'm done talking about Cam. Let's talk about the game.
I think

Speaker 1 they actually have to, like, Cam Newton, as currently stated, is broken. We watched that Thursday night game.
He can't hit open receivers. He misses all types of throws.

Speaker 1 Kyle Allen actually shows, hey, like, Greg Olson looks awesome today. Kyle Allen was hitting open receivers.
He was throwing the ball. And now it is the Cardinals.
But unless Cam Newton is 100%, 100%,

Speaker 1 I think it's Kyle Allen's job. Yeah, no, you have to keep him out.
Until Cam Newton's foot or his

Speaker 1 shoulder or his ankle or his heart or his soul or whatever it is about Cam Newton, until he's fully healthy. I agree.
It's Kyle Allen's.

Speaker 1 So, and then on the other side of the ball, or the other side of the sideline, Kyler Murray. That sucks, man.
That offensive line is so bad. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We were joking about it. In the first half, he had 18 completions for 95 yards.

Speaker 1 That's a pretty good sign that you can't get anyone open past 10 yards

Speaker 1 because you're running for your life on every piece. Even his passes are short.
That's what they say about him.

Speaker 1 He falls directly into the same category that Josh Rosen fell into last year, which is you can't judge him because he's on the Cardinals. Right.

Speaker 1 And you can never say if somebody's good or not if they play in Arizona. I'm going to say something nice about Kyler Murray.

Speaker 1 This was the first week that I didn't think he was shorter than the week before. Okay.
He stayed consistent with his height from last week. We're maintaining it.
Still short. Yeah, we're maintaining.

Speaker 1 But I did think from week one to week two, I was like, he got shorter. He didn't look any shorter this week.
Right. Which is strong.
Just wear taller cleats, Kyle. Just go out there one day.

Speaker 1 Kyler.

Speaker 1 It's actually funny because his name is Kyle and the other guy's name is Kyler. And it's like, this guy's more Kyle than you are.
Yeah. But then I think now we got to give Kyler to Allen.
Kyler Allen.

Speaker 1 Because he's proved that he's more Kyle than Kyler. I'll tell you, I definitely would have more belief in Kyler Allen.
Kyler Allen, yeah.

Speaker 1 And until another Kyle comes in and takes that R away from him, he gets to hold the title. Right.

Speaker 1 Okay, so speaking of quarterbacks that are just dumb enough to not realize that they shouldn't be that good,

Speaker 1 Daniel Jones. Electric.
Daniel Jones was electric.

Speaker 1 And I really do think, because the Giants' offensive line is that bad, but it takes a certain, there's like two paths that rookie quarterbacks go when their offensive line is terrible.

Speaker 1 One is they turtle, and they're like, this sucks. The NFL sucks.
This is nowhere near what it was like in college when I could just hit wide open receivers.

Speaker 1 The other side is Daniel Jones, where he's too dumb to realize how bad his offensive line is. He's just out there making plays.
Yeah. Like, just making plays.

Speaker 1 The difference between Daniel Jones and Eli Manning was so fucking apparent when Daniel Jones scored two touchdowns running the ball, including the fourth-down game-winning touchdown, where I think Eli Manning would still be on the field trying to get his body moving forward to make that run.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Daniel Jones doesn't take a self-sack like Eli does. Daniel Jones, he looks, it's like the difference between an alive person and a dead person.

Speaker 1 It was remarkable. It is crazy seeing somebody that looks kind of like Eli Manning wearing that uniform that's able to run without falling down.

Speaker 1 It's fascinating. He played really well.

Speaker 1 He didn't have Saquon, which probably makes this even more

Speaker 1 impressive. Here's a fun little stat.
He's 1-0 when trailing by 18 or more. Eli Manning is 0-44 in games trailing by 18.
Saber metrics.

Speaker 1 If you're a Giants fan, aren't you mad that you started the season without Daniel Jones? Because

Speaker 1 the Giants aren't going to go to the playoffs, but... You gave away two.

Speaker 1 You literally just gave away two games starting Eli Manning at the beginning of the season, and then you watched Daniel Jones go around and make plays and have this, you know, crazy comeback in the second half.

Speaker 1 He looks good. I think Daniel Jones pops harder because you got to see Eli just last week.

Speaker 1 I also want to give all Giants fans, because this is going to be something that everyone's going to throw out there, all the Giants fans reacting to Daniel Jones on draft night and saying it was the worst pick ever.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say, as pardon my take, as a podcast, we get to decide we're like the president. We're the presidents of sports.
I'm going going to give us that title. You should have a czar.

Speaker 1 I'd rather be

Speaker 1 sports stars. Sports czar.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool.

Speaker 1 If you overreact to your team's draft pick, you get a pardon, no matter what. Draft night is all about overreaction.
Okay, so like Eagles fans, we forgive you for booing Donovan McMahon.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, but I'm serious. Like when you...
You should have booed him harder if you had known how bad he was going.

Speaker 1 When your team makes a draft pick, those 24 hours, you should be allowed to either be, because none of us know how these guys are going to turn out.

Speaker 1 So no matter, if you're happy, if you're sad, both reactions are ridiculous knowing that you don't know.

Speaker 1 So I'm saying, Giants fans, you get a pardon in my eyes to, like, if you had a bad take about Daniel Jones, as long as you've moved off that take after you watch a game like today, you are completely absolved of all bad takes on draft night.

Speaker 1 The best part about draft night is you are unable to have those players' jerseys to burn at that time. Right.

Speaker 1 Because if you did, there would have been a shitload of Giants fans burning a Daniel Jones jersey that doesn't even exist. Right.
And you can't take that back. Once you burn the jersey,

Speaker 1 that's final. No, you can.
You can buy it and then do the fake lighter and then the sorry, Daniel Jones, with the post-it note. I thought you were going to say matter is neither created nor destroyed.

Speaker 1 He just becomes smoke that you inhale and he becomes a part of you at that point. But yeah, Daniel Jones looked really good.
He looks like in a live version of Eli Manning.

Speaker 1 Bruce Arians fucked up big time at the end with his kicker.

Speaker 1 There's something about Tampa Bay, that stadium, and the kickers they've had, that you can just close your eyes and just see missed field goals. I think it's like the heat,

Speaker 1 the turf always feels wet. Anytime you're kicking footballs at a pirate ship, you can never really be 100% certain with your accuracy.
It's like, is this a football field?

Speaker 1 The games are always in the afternoons on Sundays, so they play the late games, and I feel like that's missed field goal city. You know, like there's always more

Speaker 1 saber metrics, we've actually advanced stats, if pardon my take, there's more missed field goals between 6 and 7 p.m. than there are between 3 and 4 p.m.
That's true. That's a fact.
That's a fact.

Speaker 1 That's a fact. It's also in Tampa.
In Arizona. It's in Tampa.
In Tampa, it's what? The game started at 4.30. Yeah.
It's an elderly crowd.

Speaker 1 They're cranky because they're already late for dinner when you kick off. They just want to get the hell out of there.

Speaker 1 Bruce Arians took a five-yard delay game penalty penalty to back the kicker up. And then Jameis went back even a couple extra yards.
Yeah, that's that was

Speaker 1 the difference in the game was Jameis going right in between the hash marks to take a knee, backed it up about a yard and a half. And if it was that yard closer.
So we can blame this on Jameis Winson.

Speaker 1 We do have a reason to blame it, not just on Bruce Arians doing like the Matthew McConaughey. Sometimes you got to go back to move forward.

Speaker 1 Also, Jameis, I don't appreciate the fact that you actually looked good for a while on Sunday, throwing it all over the place to Mike Evans.

Speaker 1 I like Mike Jameis throwing hilarious interceptions and we can all make jokes.

Speaker 1 Don't do that. Don't steal that from us.
Yeah, I'm blaming the giant secondary for covering Mike Evans with Genoris Jenkins

Speaker 1 in like man-to-man coverage when I think Mike Evans.

Speaker 1 I think Mike Evans is seven inches taller than him.

Speaker 1 That's insanity. Listen, as a short guy, it doesn't matter how hard you try to jump.
If you're going up against a guy that's like 6'4 on a rebound,

Speaker 1 you're never going to get the ball.

Speaker 1 you need some help, which actually, now that I think about it, I never really understood trying to double-cover a guy that's a lot taller than you by putting a second short guy on him.

Speaker 1 That doesn't really address the problem.

Speaker 1 You just get them, it's like uh, when you when you have like two kids trying to sneak into the movie theater, you put on a big, a big coat and have them go on each other's you know shoulders.

Speaker 1 Okay, I got you, that's what you're trying to do. Yeah, you put a trench coat on them, yes, and then you stack them and then they can get into Nari's movie.
Give it up for Chicago.

Speaker 1 Sebastian Manoscalco's new stand-up special, It Ain't Right, is coming to Hulu on November 21st. 30 years ago, Jeff Bezos, complete nerd.

Speaker 1 Bezos now ripped to shreds on his super yacht and the boxes keep coming.

Speaker 1 Sebastian Maniscalco, It Ain't Right, premieres November 21st, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

Speaker 1 Texans Chargers. Yes.

Speaker 1 I know we make this joke every Sunday, but the reason we do it is because it happens every single Sunday. We have watched the same Chargers game for the last 15 years.

Speaker 1 Phillip Rivers trying to come back at the end of a game, running backwards, slinging the ball downfield, getting frustrated, doing the

Speaker 1 what?

Speaker 1 That face? The gracious to Petrus face.

Speaker 1 Looking up and doing that face, it is the most comfortable.

Speaker 1 It's like your mom cooking your favorite meal. Every Sunday, you know that Sunday is about to end when Philip Rivers is running for his life down a score on the West Coast.
I'm going to miss it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to miss it when he's gone. Let's just embrace it.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's going to keep happening. Listen, the Chargers, this is no strange territory for them.
They start every season, like one and two. Yes.
One and three. In games they should win.

Speaker 1 In games they should win, and then they come back and they end up with eight or nine wins. And then everyone says, oh, the Chargers are a much better team.
They're frisky.

Speaker 1 They're a much better team than their record says. And then they get into the playoffs and they immediately revert to week one Chargers.
Right.

Speaker 1 Because it's the start of a new season, so they have to go back and lose some winnable games. The only thing you forgot is everyone gets injured, too.
Everyone also gets injured.

Speaker 1 But fortunately, Melvin Gordon can't get injured when he's not playing. Yeah, give us an update.
So he's going to be fresh. So right now, the Chargers have collected $600,000 from Melvin Ingram.

Speaker 1 Melvin Gordon. Excuse me.
Melvin Gordon. And they've paid Austin Eckler, I believe, $110,000.

Speaker 1 So the Chargers are fucking... If the Chargers were a stonk, I'm buying stonks

Speaker 1 right now, like through the roof. This really is, though.
This was such a Chargers game. Up early.

Speaker 1 They look like their offense is humming. They have one bad quarter where it feels like the whole team went to sleep.
And then, boom, you snap your fingers, and Phil Rivers is doing the Phil Rivers.

Speaker 1 It's like going to your favorite bar.

Speaker 1 You go to your favorite bar, you just know that they're not going to change the menu.

Speaker 1 The beer is always going to be the same. The drunk guy at the end of the bar is always going to be there.
That's the Chargers on Sunday.

Speaker 1 There's something comforting knowing that you will get the same thing every Sunday when the Chargers play in the afternoon time slot. It's great.
It's absolutely great, and I'm going to miss it.

Speaker 1 On the other side of the ball, the Houston Texans. Does anybody actually know what Bill O'Brien does?

Speaker 1 What does he he do?

Speaker 1 Does he actually try to get Deshaun Watson killed? Does he coach? Because when I watch him on the sidelines,

Speaker 1 he's got his play card in front of his mouth, and he looks angrier the more they're winning, I've noticed.

Speaker 1 And then when they're losing, he's got the smirk on his face like, oh, I can't believe they're beating me, Bill O'Brien. Bill O'Brien.
Head coach Bill O'Brien

Speaker 1 in a football game.

Speaker 1 I don't know what he does. I really don't understand.
He's a full-time GM. He's probably making front office decisions about the cost of popcorn or

Speaker 1 which future second-round pick he's going to trade away next. Right.
I don't know what he does during a game. He doesn't seem like he's a strategy guy.
I'll tell you what he does.

Speaker 1 He's going to coach the Texans for another like eight or nine years, and then he's going to get fired. And everyone's going to say, yeah,

Speaker 1 that probably makes sense. And then there'll be the stats like, Bill O'Brien won 90 games with the Texans.
Like, what? He did? Oh, that's pretty cool. He is not a good coach, but at the same time,

Speaker 1 like, is going to keep winning, and the Texans have. This actually.

Speaker 1 Until Mike Van Guy, or until Mike Gundy takes his place. Mike Gundy.
This was a very impressive Texans win, and I now

Speaker 1 I'm not believing in the Chargers anymore. I almost done-chained them.
No, don't do. No, you don't want to do that.

Speaker 1 I'm so sick of the Chargers, like the hype Chargers, and I was the leader of it two years ago. I'm done believing it because I just feel like I'm getting fooled.
I might start believing in the Texans.

Speaker 1 I might start believing in the Texans. I think that's a bad idea.
I don't know. I'm thinking about getting crazy.

Speaker 1 You can't go from a pinky bet where you're going to circumcise

Speaker 1 being the biggest cheerleader for a team.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not going to be the biggest cheerleader. I'm going to be a fair weather fan.
Everybody hates that guy. I'm not going to be a cheerleader for the Texans.
I'm saying.

Speaker 1 How many teams are you going to say that you root for? Scoring 20 unanswered second half points on the road.

Speaker 1 I'm actually going to start believing that the Texans might be semi-for-real. I think the Texas.
Yeah, the Texans. Again, that's as far as they'll go.
They're semi-for-real. It's like

Speaker 1 the division that they're in could be anybody's game. I don't think it's going to be the Titans until they make the move to Tannehill.
I don't think that it's going to be Gardner Minshew?

Speaker 1 Gardner Minshew Jury's still out on him. By the way, I feel bad for Baker because he kind of got swagger jacked by the whole Gardner Minshew thing.

Speaker 1 Like, Gardner is

Speaker 1 Baker if you put Baker in like a pot and then boiled him for a while and then let all the

Speaker 1 condensation,

Speaker 1 Hank.

Speaker 1 As soon as we start talking to Gardner, we just just start going with just crazy descriptions. No, I'm just saying.
He's constantly. He's Gardner.
You're going to help yourself.

Speaker 1 He's evaporated.

Speaker 1 Gardner's name comes up, and now we're boiling Baker Mayfield. Put him in my freezer.

Speaker 1 Gardner Mayfield. All I'm saying is.
You want to skin a larger woman and wear it. He's

Speaker 1 show everyone my mangina. Yeah, maybe.
It makes me want to do it. And collect some butterflies.

Speaker 1 He's condensed Baker, is all that I'm saying.

Speaker 1 He's the pure essence.

Speaker 1 If Baker Mayfield, if I were to take Baker Mayfield and put him in a cauldron in my basement and turn him into Baker's brew, turn him into a cologne mixed with Eye of Newt and then bathe in him every day.

Speaker 1 That's Gardner. And then make a lamp out of his mustache.
Yes, that's Gardner. That's what Gardner saw.
I'd be pretty upset.

Speaker 1 Like Daniel Jones, if I were to compare him to Gardner, I would say that he's like the

Speaker 1 antithesis of Gardner. He's the vaccine to Gardner.

Speaker 1 What's the opposite of a Gardner? A bulldozer? A forest fire?

Speaker 1 Somebody that takes care of a garden? Dude, I've lost you so long ago on this one.

Speaker 1 What's the opposite of somebody? Hank will know. Oh, a literal gardener.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.
A cement layer. Yeah, yeah.
A cement layer. A paver.
A hungry rabbit. A paver.
A hungry rabbit

Speaker 1 digging up the carrots. That's what Daniel Jones is.
Okay, I'm having my gardener talk. Okay.
But congratulations. Welcome aboard to the Texans bandwagon.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 after this channel.

Speaker 1 I said the farthest, the fact that I've gone to the lengths of saying they might might be semi-forereal is the nicest thing I've ever said about the Texans. That's all you're getting, Texans.

Speaker 1 Steelers, 49ers.

Speaker 1 The Niners actually dominated this game, but turned the ball over a million times.

Speaker 1 It was five, but it was still, it felt like a million times. They were just every time.
They should have been up like two, three scores in the first half. And I don't know.
The Steelers just stink.

Speaker 1 Kyle Shanahan was running out of running backs to bench. He was like, every single run he would put in.

Speaker 1 He would put in somebody after one of the dudes would fumble, and then that guy would fumble and be like, fuck, I have to go back to the first guy again.

Speaker 1 This was all sweet justification, by the way, for Kyle Shanahan not running the ball in the Super Bowl. He's like, that's what happens when you give the ball to a running back.
They just drop it.

Speaker 1 But then when they threw it, Jimmy Grandpa threw two picks. But

Speaker 1 one and a half of those

Speaker 1 fault. One and a half of those passes weren't his fault.
Yes, don't do anything. So the 49ers, yeah, we're still not good.
Not sure if they're good yet. Are they good?

Speaker 1 Are they good team of the week? They might be. Are you sure they're good? Read off their entire schedule.

Speaker 1 Breaking news from Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh tweeted, this was their goodbye tweet on the night.
We're going back to Pittsburgh. That was their post-game tweet.

Speaker 1 That's like, did you guys see San Jose State beat Arkansas in Arkansas? And Arkansas's official Twitter account just wrote, they were down, I think, 17 and a half time.

Speaker 1 Arkansas's Twitter account just said halftime in Fayetteville. No score.
No score.

Speaker 5 It's a common occurrence.

Speaker 5 Some of them in monitoring. I think teams are now required to tweet, like, after the first quarter, after the first half, at the end of the games.

Speaker 5 And when their team's getting smoked, they just, they don't, they either don't tweet the score.

Speaker 1 It's very funny. They tweet something that's like very, like, this is the score.
How many people in Arkansas even have Twitter? And don't, don't reply if you actually live in Arkansas.

Speaker 1 Well, no, Chase. Yeah, that's right.
The guy who tried to burn me on Twitter. Your buddy Chase names in Arkansas.
Dude, Arkansas is a state that should stick to message boards. Yes.

Speaker 1 Your state constitution is written on Hogville.net.

Speaker 1 Like, this is not, it's not a state for Twitter accounts. Pittsburgh, I don't know what Pittsburgh was doing.
They're just like, hey, we're going back to Pittsburgh. That's all we have to say.

Speaker 1 That's the most exciting thing, I guess, that they could have tweeted today because Mason Rudolph has zero Moxie. Yes.
No Daltons.

Speaker 1 Sir, I award you negative one Dalton on the day. Dude, Mason Rudolph, big-time dumbface.

Speaker 1 Circle that. Okay.

Speaker 1 Dumb face quarterback. I took one look at him.
All the scouting I needed to do. Just his face is too big and it's dumb.
So we did learn some lessons from Big Ben. Yeah, you can't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right, exactly.

Speaker 1 You can't win with that face. No offense, Mason Rudolph.
You seem like a nice guy. Bad face.
Can't win with that face. Bad winning face.
No, you know that face. I do know that face.

Speaker 1 What are skull measurements?

Speaker 1 He's probably like a size eight and three quarters. Jesus Christ, that's big.
Yeah. Yeah.
By the way, we didn't make

Speaker 1 a turret. He just went right over.
This kid on Twitter named Chase tried to roast me, and I just roasted him back because his name's Chase. And we realized that if your name is Chase.

Speaker 1 What did he say to you? He said, My mom was a mistake. No, what did he say?

Speaker 1 My mom was desperation because I said Freddie Kitchens was just desperate on his last calls. And I said, we shouldn't talk about our mother's decision-making when your name is Chase.

Speaker 1 And we realized that Chase, we listed the things that Chases can do. It's essentially SEC quarterback and NASCAR driver.

Speaker 1 That's it. That's it.
That's it. Could you imagine walking? Yeah.
But could you imagine being like, here's my doctor. His name is Chase.
Phishing commentator.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He could be a production.
He could be a production. No, he could be a big mass.
He could be wearing a tie. No, he could be a big mouth bass competitor.

Speaker 5 He could be a competitor turned analyst.

Speaker 1 Yes. The production assistant for

Speaker 1 Bill Dance's cooking challenge. Yeah.
Or the fishing thing that he does. Oh, yeah, that's true.
There are millennial chases. You're right.

Speaker 1 So it's essentially if you're 25 to 40 and your name is Chase, I don't know what line of profession you're in. Just change your name.
Sorry. Sorry.
Yeah, sorry, Chase. Sorry.
Tell us all the chases.

Speaker 1 We're not trying to bash you, but tell us what you do so we can change the perception of Chase. I feel like Chase could be a guy that is starting to get an airbrushing company off the ground.

Speaker 1 But like, so like if you're, if you're trying, like, if you go into, try to maybe like a financial advisor, like you'd want to talk about, you know,

Speaker 1 how to plan for the future. Yeah, dude, guys, like, JP Morgan Chase.
Oh, that's true. But it's a bank.
But if the guy was like, hey, what's up, guys? I'm Chase. Chevy Chase.
I'm walking out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not shaking a person's hand named Chase, and I'm not saying this to disparage any chases because I'll dap up a Chase. Oh, I'll pound the rock on a chase all day long.

Speaker 1 Me and Chase will do the head knob. Yeah.
Like, I'll have a special little, like,

Speaker 1 slappy thing that I do with a chase.

Speaker 1 But I'm not doing a hand.

Speaker 1 Shaking a hand of a chase hello chase has never been done chase good to see you again let's conduct business yeah hi chase good to see you yeah chase doesn't close many deals yeah no that's not you no chase

Speaker 1 no yeah

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 sorry there's gonna be so many chases that won't wake up and listen to this be like what the fuck did I do to these chase on your way into your job as a guy that refinishes pool tables I apologize if you're having to listen I know it's an early morning for you tomorrow you're doing fine it'll everything will be good.

Speaker 1 Chase, listen, man,

Speaker 1 at the Pimp My Ride auto shop you work at, we're not trying to, I'm sure you. Don't talk shit about auto workers.
No, I'm not, it's not, it's custom. Okay, not the regular, like, I need my car fixed.

Speaker 1 I'm talking the custom rims. That's the chase job.
Auto detailing, yes, but only from the hours of eight to ten, because from ten to seven, he's got to smoke a lot of wheat.

Speaker 1 You got to get fucking high.

Speaker 1 Just chill out. Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 5 Calls his vape his rig.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, he does. He does.
Because it's better. He actually put money into it.

Speaker 1 He's got a monogram rape. He's invested in his rig.
He's got a monogram vape rig. Dude.
But it doesn't have his last name on it. It's just a giant C.
He's like,

Speaker 1 he's definitely had the conversations like, yo, once I get my paycheck next month, I'm going to really upgrade my rig. Yeah.
Now I'm going to put the trim on it.

Speaker 1 Like, yo, you like my rig now? Wait till you see the finished product when I actually have a little cash to put it on.

Speaker 5 Got a few extra hours this week. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Chase has nine different Calvin pissing bumper stickers on the back of his car.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 and they're all of truck nuts, they're all of competing brands of truck against his preferred brand of truck that he doesn't own. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 He owns a Toyota and then has like a Made in America bumper sticker.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, he's driving like a 1996 Tacoma. Yeah.
But it's got the manual transmission on it, so it's got a little bit more pick

Speaker 1 going on. Off-roading, dude.
Yes, he's got the Tacoma, but then he's got nine Calvin pissing on Chevy bumper stickers. He's like, yeah, I'm going to get a Ford.
Oh, shit. All right.
Sorry, Chase.

Speaker 1 Fuck. I mean, there are some chases that we really just roasted by.
That was part of my chase. Yeah, part of my chase.

Speaker 1 Chase Daniel. Chase Daniel.
Good guy. But he's an STC quarterback.
SCC quarterback, and he

Speaker 1 definitely drives the Tacoma. Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay, last game. Mud flaps on the single tires, the very small tires with huge mud flaps with the naked women laying down on their sides on them.
Yeah, ask grass or

Speaker 1 what is it? Ask Ass or Grass. Grass.
No one rides for free. But he's on Chase's bike.
He's only

Speaker 1 Vespa. He's only depth.

Speaker 1 He's never gotten ass or grass for it. I'll put you that way.

Speaker 1 All right, last game. Saints, Seahawks.

Speaker 1 This is why you pay a backup quarterback. This is why you pay a backup quarterback.
Teddy Two Gloves, Teddy Big Dick.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 1 he got spotted 14 points on a fumble recovery and a punt return, but he played nice on the road in Seattle, and the Saints are going to be kept afloat in a division that is very winnable considering who else is in it.

Speaker 1 So, credit to the Saints for actually having some foresight. Like, hey, maybe we should have a legit backup for this guy, not dumbface Mason Rudolph.

Speaker 1 Also, Seattle, what the hell were you doing not pumping in more crowd music?

Speaker 1 Like, this is the one time that you get to play a team, the Saints, that the NFL will absolutely not penalize you for cheating against.

Speaker 1 You should have been playing crowd noise at an insane volume today. I know they always say it's loud up there.
People forget they designed the stadium to trap the noise inside of it.

Speaker 1 This was the game where you should have cheated more. Pete Carroll got drilled in the face with a football.
It's either that.

Speaker 1 I have my suspicions because he competes in a division against some very hot coaches. I think one of them was like, this guy's got the Dilf thing going on.
Rugged look.

Speaker 1 I need to marsha, marsha, Marsha him and hit him in the face with the football and break his nose. Right.
He was chomping so hard in the first quarter on his gum. I knew they were in trouble.

Speaker 1 You really can, like,

Speaker 1 if you are a sharp better in Vegas, you can make a model based on how hard Pete Carroll is chomping his gum and then just fade the Seahawks if he's going crazy on that thing.

Speaker 1 He's probably on Adderall, I mean, considering their history. Yeah, the Seattle Pharmacy Hawks is what we call them.
Yeah, it's also possible he broke his nose by chewing his gum too hard. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't hit that pencil, Pete. Every time he chomped, there was like a little blood squirted out.
Yeah. Oh, that'd be nice, wouldn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I have a little fun stat here. You ready? Yes, give it to me.
This is from a friend of the program, Danny Kelly. He said, every bird team lost this week.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 Or he listed a bunch of bird teams, and I think it's every bird team lost this week. So birds are on the hot seat.
There's an article.

Speaker 1 Shoe Francesa, real quick. Cardinals lost.

Speaker 1 Ravens lost. Eagles.
Eagles lost. Seahawks.
Seahawks lost.

Speaker 1 Falcons

Speaker 1 are done.

Speaker 1 Any other bird teams that we missed?

Speaker 1 Jets.

Speaker 1 Sully.

Speaker 1 Sully flew into it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Hey, is that you? I think that's it.
I think that does

Speaker 1 bird teams. No way.
I thought it was you.

Speaker 1 I also loved how the Saints, I thought the biggest question going into this game was, will the Saints be able to run the ball, Alvin Kamara be able to do his thing without the threat of Drew Brees being able to stretch the field.

Speaker 1 And Alvin Kamara, they just rode him and he was awesome. He had like 150 yards rushing in, receiving in two touchdowns.
I'm mad at the Seahawks. I'm big mad at the Seahawks

Speaker 1 because every time I see the defense, I just think that it's 2014. And I'm like, that defense is awesome.
And then when they're not awesome,

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm wrong. And that can't be

Speaker 1 wrong in all this. Seahawks, also, one of

Speaker 1 very few teams in the NFL where their road jerseys might be better than their home jerseys.

Speaker 1 I know the black at home is cool, but something about the white and the in the

Speaker 1 gold, it just looks, I don't know, it looks cool. It's a cool look.
You know what it is? When you see that little tiny, tiny bit of neon green on that home jersey, you want more of it. Wait on what?

Speaker 1 The Seahawks. No, no, I'm talking about the Saints.
Oh, you're talking about the Sahels. Oh, I said Seahawks.
My bad, my bad. I meant Saints.
Okay. Saints, because then I described the Saints jerseys.

Speaker 1 The Saints jerseys,

Speaker 1 road jersey, I think I might like more than their home jerseys. I like the all-white Saints jerseys.
That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's what they're wearing too.
All-white, yeah. All-white is sick.

Speaker 1 All-white is sick with like the gold numbers on it.

Speaker 1 Okay, so that was our recap. That was a great recap.
I fucking love No Guest Monday. I'm just going to say it, boys.
I love you guys.

Speaker 1 Let's talk a little college football before we do who's back and then a couple segments to wrap up the show. College football.
Is Jim Harbaugh in the hot seat?

Speaker 1 I say this with all due respect for our friend, Coach Jim Harbaugh. He's our guy.
He's our guy. He got out harbaughed.

Speaker 1 He tried to do the thing where he turns Michigan into a spread offense.

Speaker 1 And then he ran into his ideal football team

Speaker 1 in Wisconsin.

Speaker 1 And he was just, every time the camera cut to him on the sideline, he was just staring out at the field, wishing that that was the offense that he was running. Just hands on his knees,

Speaker 1 looking at nine fullbacks, a center, and a quarterback, and saying, God damn it, this is what I want to do. But people said I needed to pass the ball, and now I'm getting my ass kicked by myself.

Speaker 1 Right. We bullied them.
Yes. We bullied the fuck out of Michigan.
It was, there's one thing to be beat when an air raid team beats you and just throws it all over the yard.

Speaker 1 When you just go man on man and just run the ball down a team's throat, there's something like primal about it. What Wisconsin did to Michigan, it was primal.
Yeah, just dude on dude. We just get

Speaker 1 them up. We just sculpt them.

Speaker 1 Man on man.

Speaker 1 I think Jim Harbaugh is going to go to the NFL in the next couple of years because

Speaker 1 I don't know what happened, but his teams just don't look like Jim Harbaugh teams anymore.

Speaker 1 He's lost the juice that was like his defining quality of having those tough teams, the Stanford team that beat the shit out of a more, a way better USC team, the

Speaker 1 49ers teams that would always play really, really tough defense. And

Speaker 1 even the Michigan teams that he had the first couple years, I honestly think that 2016 loss, the J.T. Barrett game, when they had the inch wrong and whatever,

Speaker 1 I think something ended there. Like that was kind of the end of what Jim Harbaugh was, and he's got to refind it.
Because I know he's a good coach.

Speaker 1 And now, obviously, people will swarm on him because he is a lightning rod and a guy that people like to talk about. And I don't think that he's just lost his ability to coach.

Speaker 1 He's just lost something like the essence of Jim Harbaugh feels like it's gone. He feels like he's cheating on himself

Speaker 1 by running this type of offense.

Speaker 1 And even

Speaker 1 his fullback, Ben Mason, lowman trophy inaugural award winner, got switched up to playing defensive line. Then they gave him, was that his first carry of the year? And he fumbled right away.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because he hasn't had the reps on it or whatever. But I agree with you.
I think that Harbaugh is going to the NFL at some point.

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 my prediction, the Redskins are going to throw a shitload of money at him this offseason so he can finally get to see Dwayne Haskins lose up close so he can coach them for a while.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if you,

Speaker 1 Jim, I like you, and because I like you, I want to keep you as far away from Washington as possible. Yeah, don't do that

Speaker 1 for you. The other good news for everyone listening right now, I've officially gotten my hopes up for the Wisconsin Badgers season.
So we all know how that will end.

Speaker 1 That's going to be as I sit here right now.

Speaker 1 I think they're the best team in the country.

Speaker 1 I like that Paul Chris, though, does run like the

Speaker 1 quintessential Jim Harbor. He says, I'll see your khakis.
I'll raise you a sweatshirt. There is something to be said about having an identity.
Wisconsin will never win a national title.

Speaker 1 They will never have the best athletes, but they will always do the same thing, and they will do that thing better than everyone else.

Speaker 1 And as long as they don't run into like the elite, elite teams that have way better athletes, they can win most of their games.

Speaker 1 And it's like, it's comforting knowing, yeah, we'll probably just go to the fucking, I don't know if you saw, I tweeted that picture to back-to-back Capital One Bull champs.

Speaker 1 A little bit of a dynasty, but there's something comforting knowing, hey, Capital One Bull, that shit's ours. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you have a niche. Dib, great.
So, who are you going to play in the Big Ten championship game? Ohio State. It'll be our second crack at them, and then we'll beat them twice, I think.
Okay, so good.

Speaker 1 So, dominance and then national championships. Yes.
Okay. Yeah, it's on.

Speaker 1 Also, on the other side of things, down south in the SEC,

Speaker 1 we are on a crash course for LSU, Alabama. Yep.
November 9th. Yep.
I believe that. Hopefully, we can score a touchdown.
PSA,

Speaker 1 if you're getting married on November 9th and you live anywhere below, let's say, Kentucky,

Speaker 1 you need to cancel your wedding right now. Yeah.
Because your wedding will be cursed if you actually have it and you keep people from being happy and watching football on that day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 1 Your marriage will not last for three years if you get married on that day. The other big SEC game, Georgia.

Speaker 1 Actually, Notre Dame was a lot more impressive than I thought because I thought they were going to get the shit kicked out of them.

Speaker 1 Georgia fans and that night crowd, the thing they did with the lights where it looked like hell, the entire stadium turned red. It was like Bulldog hell

Speaker 1 was awesome. Mm-hmm.
That was so sick. It was intense.
Yeah. How bad?

Speaker 1 I think it was just one guy who was standing in the basement just flicking the lights. How bad do you think Ugo was scared during all that? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Dogs are colorblind. And then, dude, could you imagine?

Speaker 1 I mean, if you're a student at Georgia and you don't go to the games with the wrestling, like the linebacker pads with the wrestling spikes on them, what the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 1 That's the coolest look in the world. It's a good point.
It's a good point. Yeah, if you're the guy that goes,

Speaker 1 if you're wearing a polo shirt and you're a student going to a Georgia game,

Speaker 1 you're not going to suck any face that night. Did you see Kirby Smart without a hat on? How much sex do you think is happening between two people that are in full makeup with pads on after that?

Speaker 1 A lot.

Speaker 1 That's pretty awesome. That's metal as fuck.
Yes, it is. Did you see Kirby Smart without his visor on in game day? It looks strange.
It looks strange.

Speaker 1 He looked like... He looks like Chase's dad.
He does look like Chase's dad.

Speaker 1 He looks like the accountant for a church. Like, not the actual, you know, he's not an actual priest or the head of the church.
He's like the president of the church.

Speaker 1 And he just, I don't know what it was, but him without a visor, he should never take that. It's kind of like Doug Peterson.
Some guys, once you commit to the visor life, don't ever take it off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because everyone will be shocked. Yeah, without the visor, he definitely gives off the aura of a marshal on a golf course that doesn't do his job.
Yes. It just lets everybody play super slow.

Speaker 1 So weird.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's do some. Also, Mike Leach.

Speaker 1 That was a crazy Pac-12 game. I don't know what the fuck happened.
The world was asleep. Mike Leach hates running the ball so much, but even when he's up by 30 points,

Speaker 1 he doesn't have a handoff in the playbook.

Speaker 5 Someone asked because Dana had a similar thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that two-lane game was crazy. But Mike Leach did.

Speaker 1 Is this our problem? I don't know, but Mike Leach, the Pac-12 just cannibalize itself.

Speaker 1 The Pac-12 every year, no matter what, there'll be a Friday and a late Saturday night game where the perceived best teams will lose to just like junk.

Speaker 1 And then we'll be sitting here in November trying to figure out who's in the college football playoff. Like, what about a team from the Pac-12?

Speaker 1 Like, oh, no, actually, their best team lost to Cal and Arizona State for no reason.

Speaker 1 I just realized right now I'm not worried anymore about Jim Harbaugh getting corrupted by Dan Snyder because Snyder's definitely going to throw like $50 million at Chip Kelly.

Speaker 1 That's how all this ends. Bring him back.

Speaker 1 The chip era. All right, let's do who's back of the week.
Before we do that, PFT, you got something for us? So... Y'all know that we're big fans of Cracker Barrel.

Speaker 1 And this holiday season, I will be sat at their table with a big plate of country-fried turkey.

Speaker 6 And Brandon, I'll be right there with you, and I'll check it off my Christmas list in the country store while I'm at it. It'll make a nice holiday tradition.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's so cute of you.

Speaker 6 Enjoy all the more holiday traditions only at Cracker Barrel.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 who's back of the week? Hank, go.

Speaker 5 My who's back of the week is Kevin Durant on his burner account.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah?

Speaker 5 There was a first Magic Johnson was on first take on Friday, and they talked about Kevin Durant, and they tweeted, or someone just tweeted the clip.

Speaker 5 It said, at Magic Johnson, good take on at Katie Trey's comments.

Speaker 5 Kevin Durant commented from his regular account and just said, horrible take, just regurgitated bullshit, and then deleted it.

Speaker 1 Oh, so he's like, there's levels to this now. He's created many different characters amongst his burner account.

Speaker 1 I like that. I like that there's a whole different universe of internet commenters living inside Kevin Durant's head.
I don't get why he just doesn't stick, like, just

Speaker 1 don't delete it. Yeah.
Or come on the podcast. Yeah.
One or the other. I fucking love that.
So he's got, like, one burner account that he uses to run.

Speaker 5 He probably has a first take one, a first thing's first one. Yep.

Speaker 1 Yep. Part of my take one.

Speaker 1 But he's like setting himself up where he comments and he says, hey, that was a great take. Way to stick it to Kevin Durant.

Speaker 1 And then another burner account, the good one, commenting on the bad one's takes. I love this.
I hope he's okay, but I love this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's definitely the point of no return of burner accounts.

Speaker 1 He's just too deep. Kevin, instead of doing this, just set up a sock puppet theater in your living room and just videotape it and then just get all your emotions out between the two puppets.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. Keep going.
I'm Skip Bayless.

Speaker 1 And this is my wife, Ernestine. And we both think that Kevin is Dookie.

Speaker 1 Kevin Durant? No, Drip Bayless, dude. Drip Bayless, excuse me.
Drip Bayless, America's sex symbol.

Speaker 1 Kevin Durant. Skip for Ernestine.
Joe. Jeez, dude.
She's getting it tonight. No, it's a Sunday.
They're in different rooms. That's true.
That is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're not sleeping in the same bedroom. He's got to go for undisputed.
Kevin Durant just needs to keep going because eventually he will just own all the Twitter accounts.

Speaker 1 He's just talking to himself. Just get them all? He has 100% of the Twitter accounts.

Speaker 1 Kevin Durant is going to make a shitload of money because he's going to have every single possible combination of Twitter handles. Right.
And then he can sell them off for profit. Yes.
Yes, exactly.

Speaker 1 All right. Is that it?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I mean, my other one was Bills Mafia, but we kind of talked about that earlier.

Speaker 1 Yes. This is your week, Bill's Mafia.
This is their week. This is 100%.

Speaker 1 I hereby give the city of Buffalo off-working.

Speaker 5 I think if they flexed it to 8 o'clock, they wouldn't make it.

Speaker 1 That's

Speaker 1 not flexing it. Because it's too early in the season, but yeah.
They're not flexing it because they can't.

Speaker 5 No, but I'm saying, no, they're saying they can't.

Speaker 1 No, they literally cannot. Allegedly.
The flex schedule doesn't start. That's what they'll say.

Speaker 1 Because it's the Patriots and they don't want the Patriots in prime time. The NFL says that.
The flex schedule doesn't start until later in the season. That's what they want you to believe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. Because they're keeping the Patriots down.
Precisely.

Speaker 1 all right uh pft what do you got uh my first who's back of the week is diss tracks diss tracks are back in a big way we've been talking about it for a while my diss track on drake is coming at the end of this episode oh shit you're just you're you're you're drizzy my drizzy drizzy diss my jizzy on drizzy is nice and you're getting jizzy on drizzle listen i'm doing the the the hand the tattoo of the hands praying together yep this is me for drake right now praying for you son oh bless up up because this is a pretty fire track.

Speaker 1 And shout out to Hank for recording it. Dropped, we laid down the wax last week.
Nice. And so,

Speaker 1 yeah, it's good. So, you think he's going to clap back? I don't think he's going to clap.

Speaker 1 It's not just on Twitter.

Speaker 5 You've got to go on his Instagram columns to be like, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 PFT owned your ass. You're dead.

Speaker 1 PFT commenter put you in a, locked you in a cage, bitch.

Speaker 1 Hen locker one. Henry Locker one.
He's verified now.

Speaker 5 Shout out to the AWL that got me verified, by

Speaker 1 my hero. Now he can slide in everyone's damage.
If Drake's hearing this, it's already too late.

Speaker 5 I got Doug.

Speaker 1 Doug. Big Dougie.
Doug would work at Twitter. We're on a name kick.
We'll stop. Twitter.
Twitter. I'm never verified on Instagram.

Speaker 5 Yeah. I mean, on Twitter.

Speaker 1 What's Drake's real name? Audrey. Yeah.
Audrey. Man, I wish I knew that.
All sorts of stuff that you can rhyme with Audrey. Aubrey.
I feel like. Aubrey.

Speaker 1 Are you shitting me? His name's Aubrey? Your Drake take was one of those ones you just said, and I think you don't even like,

Speaker 1 dude,

Speaker 1 you just said it. When they hear the venom in these bars, but it's just like it.
Welcome to life, man. Sometimes you say shit, and then you paint yourself into a corner, and then you can't get out.

Speaker 1 You can't get my gundy. And then you can't get out of it until you drop a district.

Speaker 1 My brother who's back of the week is Perry Ellis because he got hired by Kansas to be an assistant there. And

Speaker 1 he's finishing his undergrad degree at Kansas. Perry Ellis, the guy that played at Kansas for seven years.
He didn't do it? Didn't finish his undergrad degree. Come on.

Speaker 1 So he's going back and he's getting his under. Good for him.
Listen, we're a pro-education podcast. Hell yeah, we are.
We are. Good for you.
I'm a big fan of yours, Perry.

Speaker 1 Half of the podcast didn't finish college. Uh-huh.
But we are pro-education. We are.
We're pro. Do anything that you want in Lawrence, Kansas.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so he's going back there just in time for Bill Self to be fired for massive NCAA violations where he can take over the program. As a podcast, we average a half of a bachelor's degree.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good. That's right.
That's pretty good.

Speaker 1 All right. My who's back.
I have two. First is nostalgia.
Went back to Madison this weekend. Nostalgia fucking sucks, man.

Speaker 1 When you just go back to your college and you're just like, yep, I wish I was 21 again. So this sucks.
And just seeing like all these kids. Yeah, you guys know going back to your college.

Speaker 1 Yeah, nostalgia just sucks. It's basically...
poison for your brain. It's rat poison.
It really is. It's rat poison.

Speaker 1 I was happy to be back. Madison is the best college town in the world, but it was also

Speaker 1 the whole time I was just like, damn, sucks time. How does it work?

Speaker 1 There's also something where you're walking around a college campus at 8 a.m., 9 a.m., and the air smells like stale beer just from everywhere. Oh, it's just the best.

Speaker 1 The entire town smells like stale beer, and you're like, man, I really wish this was my life. I mean, I don't really drink much anymore, but when I was back, like, the beers just went

Speaker 1 down so smoothly. So cold.

Speaker 1 So delicious. Yes, it was awesome.
Crisp Bud Lights.

Speaker 1 You know what's wild to think about is 20 years from now, you're going to look back at this moment and be in this year and be like, damn, that was awesome. When the whole room smelled like monsters.

Speaker 5 I had five fingers.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Two fingers.
Oh, you cut your finger off, too? I'm talking about you. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 All right. Also, nostalgia.
So my other who's back, similar to nostalgia, nostalgia for the Cubs

Speaker 1 being miserable and sucking. So Cubs are not going to make the playoffs for the first time

Speaker 1 since 2014.

Speaker 1 No, they're not out.

Speaker 1 Shut up.

Speaker 1 They were so embarrassing this weekend. People want to dance on my grave, and yeah, you can go ahead and do it because they were a joke.
And Joe Madden just managed his last game at Wrigley.

Speaker 1 So, actually, if Leroy wants to break that right now,

Speaker 1 Joe Madden out as Cubs manager after the season. You're saying that? Yes.
What's your source?

Speaker 1 My brain. I'm giving you a little behind the source.
My proof on how Leroy works. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I say, who's your source? My brain. Okay, good enough for him.
There we go. So

Speaker 1 breaking news. Leroy's going to tweet that out.
You're hearing it right now for the first time. Are you going to follow him? I follow him.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I definitely follow him.

Speaker 1 I get about a message or two a day saying, how come Big Cat doesn't follow Leroy? On Instagram. Is that the worst? No, Twitter.
On Twitter. On Twitter.
I'm pretty sure I follow him on Twitter.

Speaker 1 That's the worst. I don't know if I follow him on Instagram.
Breaking news,

Speaker 1 according to sources close to me,

Speaker 1 the parentheses, Leroy,

Speaker 1 Joe Madden will not return

Speaker 1 as manager of

Speaker 1 Cubs. He only follows one person.
Oh, he follows a dog. He follows a hot.
All right, yeah, Joe Madden's out. The Cubs think they need to shake up.
You can't get swept at home by the Cardinals.

Speaker 1 It was fucking, it's just the most frustrating year because they're not bad, but they are bad.

Speaker 1 I'm done.

Speaker 1 The man who brought in a magician

Speaker 1 pulls a final disappearing act.

Speaker 1 He's out.

Speaker 1 There you go. Bark, Bark.
One back. Behind this rough Collie account.
Yeah. The lasties.
Yeah. It's a good-looking Collie.
Yeah, it is.

Speaker 1 All right. So, yeah, the Cubs suck.
I don't know what else I can say about them. Well, so here's what you can say about that, because they won you a fucking World Series.
Yeah, no, I did.

Speaker 1 Also, I'm about to take away your Cubs' pinstripes because you're being

Speaker 1 mathematically out. They're not mathematically out yet.

Speaker 1 The natties, natitudes back, but there's still eight games left. No, Joe Madden is going to be

Speaker 1 the most successful manager in Cubs' history.

Speaker 1 You won a World Series, but when you have the talent they have and the way, when you lose four games at home to your rival and you also lose two games to the Reds and the seasons on the line, you got to have a little more fight than that.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 it was a bad season, up and down.

Speaker 1 And yeah, I don't know what else they did. They just puttered and fucking fell on their face down the finish line.
So who's going to be the GM?

Speaker 1 The manager?

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 you're sticking with Theo? Yeah, well,

Speaker 1 the president of baseball options. Jed Hoyer is the GM.
Couldn't you blame Theo for all this? I think David Ross can be the new manager if you want to do that too with Leroy. No, Leroy doesn't track

Speaker 1 speculation and stuff. Yeah, I mean, this is also my brain.
David Ross's new manager. Not Ryan Sandberg.
No, he's not. Whatever happened to him.
He already got passed out

Speaker 1 to Ryan because he was one of those guys that I was like, either Mark Race or Ryan Sandberg should be the manager. He grinded his ass off in

Speaker 1 minor leagues and then there's like,

Speaker 1 actually not.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's do the end of the show, segments, everything else. PFT, you got one more ad for us?

Speaker 9 Man, I'll tell you what. When you're hungry out there, you start acting like a rookie quarterback in his first game, making bad bad decisions, messing up the basics, being all out of sorts.

Speaker 9 That's where Snickers comes in, man. That thing is packed.
Roasted peanuts, nugget, caramel, milk chocolate. It's like the MVP of candy bars.

Speaker 9 And when you bite into it, boom, it sorts you out, gets your head back in the game of life, satisfying your hunger. Remember this: Snickers handles your hunger so you can handle everything

Speaker 1 else.

Speaker 9 Snickers satisfies, man. That's a winning play.

Speaker 1 Okay, football guy of the week. We have a few nominees.

Speaker 1 Let's see. First up,

Speaker 1 we have

Speaker 1 Packers fullback, recurring guest, Danny Vitel.

Speaker 1 He got caught at the goal line. He went down at the one-yard line.

Speaker 1 Went down at the one-yard line. One-inch line.

Speaker 1 Some may say that's bad when you get, you know, caught from behind at the one-inch line, but he said it was all part of his plan to get a fullback assist. So that's a football guy through and through.

Speaker 1 Fullbacks shouldn't score, they should help others score. Super backs.
Super backs.

Speaker 1 We had Bill's tight end, Lee Smith, for saying, My wife's about the only one that can make me feel better than that. That's just the facts after the team won and improved to 3-0.

Speaker 1 Congrats on the Sachs. Shout out to your wife.
That's pretty sick.

Speaker 1 Should we do Bruce Arians for taking the delay game

Speaker 1 to make his kicker move? No, that's not a football guy, actually. How about Morningside College strength coach Aaron Jung tore both his patellar tendons when celebrating a touchdown?

Speaker 1 Yeah, so that's unconfirmed. Unconfirmed.
We got that as a tip. Surprisingly, there's not a whole lot of news reports out there

Speaker 1 about tips. No, I told Jake earlier, I was like, we probably shouldn't do that one because there are no articles about it.
Okay, let's do this one. Let's do.

Speaker 1 So we have the Bills tight end Lee Smith, Backers, fullback Danny Vital, Ruckers, O-lineman, Michael Maeti, who punched his QB in the face after the Scarlet Knights scored a TD.

Speaker 1 That's got to become a thing. That's an O-lineman getting so excited that he, and also very Ruckers

Speaker 1 through and through. That is the most powerful New Jersey energy of all time.
And then I'll do last one. Let's do this.
You don't really love a guy until you hit him in the face. Yes, yeah.

Speaker 1 Friends hit each other in the face. That's a fact.

Speaker 1 Last one, we'll combine the next segment, Respect the Biz. I think Belichick should be on there for

Speaker 1 essentially like ending a reporter with his odds. Tina Jacobson.
So if you've ever seen a Bill Belichick press conference, he does that stare. Yes.
All the time.

Speaker 1 The only thing that was different was this was in close quarters. Very close quarters.
And also the subject material they were talking about, which is why did you have Antonio Brown

Speaker 1 and then cut him. And then a lot of the stuff that Antonio Brown was and has been accused of doing was to women.
Right. And it was a female reporter.

Speaker 1 Hank, I'm telling you why it was a bad look.

Speaker 5 Got it.

Speaker 1 And I know for a fact that Belichick would give that exact same look to Ed Werter if it was Ed Werter asking questions.

Speaker 1 That's everyone. But in context, it appeared worse, is what I'm saying.
She could have said, what'd you have for lunch?

Speaker 5 And he probably would have given her that.

Speaker 1 Probably. Correct.
So is he on the list because he's a guy of the week? No, I don't eat on game day. All right, so he's the last football guy of the week.

Speaker 1 By the way, American Ninja is on in the studio. It's 1:30 in the morning.
It's electric. I've never watched this trail.

Speaker 5 No, No, it's so easy now.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Like it's not. Hank could do it.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 Give me a couple months to train.

Speaker 1 Okay, Seeki question. Promo code take $10 off Seeki purchase.

Speaker 1 Do you think we could get Hank on one of these?

Speaker 1 How many attempts would it take for him to complete it?

Speaker 1 I don't think he would ever complete it. Ever? Ever.
No matter how much he trained. I don't think he would.
Ultimate restarts?

Speaker 5 I don't know about the wall at the end.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the

Speaker 1 salmon ladder? You can't even catch a salmon in your hands, much less climb up one of the ladders.

Speaker 5 I've been proven correct.

Speaker 1 Oh, is this the wall right here? Yeah, you. Yeah, you can't.
You can't. I would love to see you just keep falling, though.
Falling on your face. You know what?

Speaker 1 I'm going to say something nice about Chase. Okay.
Chase is.

Speaker 1 They're all gone, by the way. None of the Chases are listening anymore.
Chases

Speaker 1 can top out at being an American Ninja Warrior course builder. Yes.
Yes. Absolutely.
And because,

Speaker 1 because, another nice thing about Chase, I would say, Chase, you can also get a black belt. Yep.
As an adult. And it's not creepy.
Nope. That you spent every Thursday night going to karate class.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And a bunch of children.
And it's not weird that the instructor was like, hey, I've got a live one here that pays me $50 a week that I'll just keep

Speaker 1 around and keep awarding him gradually increased ranks. He keeps asking me about Mr.
Miyagi, and I play along. No, Chase,

Speaker 1 congratulations on the black belt, but now you have to stick around because there's secret black belts after this. Don't tell anyone.
It'll It's going to be $50. $100.

Speaker 1 They also just need to bring back MXC.

Speaker 1 All right, let's wrap it up with two more. Stay classy, Clemson, because they filmed a movie at halftime of their game against Charlotte.

Speaker 1 That's got to be the most disrespectful thing a team could ever have.

Speaker 1 With a fake team, though.

Speaker 5 So at halftime, they had 60 players in Clemson jerseys and helmets running down from the hill and like touching the rock.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a lot of people in the crowd.

Speaker 1 They should have touched that rock. Dabbo, you sold out.

Speaker 5 Members of the 2009 team, they like,

Speaker 5 they got some old players to come back.

Speaker 1 Got it. So it's a little bit, it's a little bit within in-house.
That would suck so bad.

Speaker 1 Like, if I would imagine it, there's a couple guys who got called up and they're like, uh, I'm like 70 pounds overweight and I cannot fit in these pads anymore.

Speaker 1 Dabo definitely was like, I need to be compensated for my role as a head coach, but you guys are all going to be volunteers in this movie. By the way, they're literally using crisis actors.

Speaker 1 Oh, and also everyone on the current Clemson roster definitely got, you know, a little, oh,

Speaker 1 hey, Trevor Lawrence, your first grip. It was $400,000.
Yeah, interesting.

Speaker 1 But yeah, that's, if you're Charlotte,

Speaker 1 be like, hey, this game's going to suck so bad that we're just going to, at halftime, we're going to let a fake film or a real film with a fake team be filmed. Whoops.
Wouldn't you know what?

Speaker 1 Accidentally, all the fake football players left behind their fake steroids in your lockers, guys.

Speaker 1 Better taste them to make sure they're not going bad. Last up, we have

Speaker 1 a lot of people. I mean, that sucks for the marching band.
Yeah, true. Didn't think about that.
Didn't think about the poor people in the marching band took the shine off.

Speaker 1 Maybe they did a halftime performance where it was actors playing a marching band, too.

Speaker 1 There you go. There you go.
That's pretty much happening. All right, last segment, pardon my French.

Speaker 1 We didn't even plan this, but we got quoted for our Garden Minshew story on Friday in People magazine, and they said, popular podcast, pardon my French. So,

Speaker 1 we.

Speaker 1 how do you spell we

Speaker 1 uh w depends

Speaker 5 i was going for the german version of uh the english translation of the french uh word garden

Speaker 1 comes out to w i

Speaker 1 i love when hank does this every now and then i fucking love it when he like makes a big mistake on twitter and then you can actually see that he just he just like takes the rest of the day off He's like, you know what?

Speaker 1 I'm just going to put this one on ice.

Speaker 1 I was like, fuck it. Yeah, he took like a day and a half off.

Speaker 1 You know what? It got too hot on these streets. I made a mistake.

Speaker 5 If I don't check a call, if I don't check the mentions, if I don't go on for a while, then the most recent mention isn't going to be roasting me.

Speaker 1 So it's just like,

Speaker 1 you basically just like,

Speaker 1 you're like, hey, coach, I'm ready to come out of this game for a second.

Speaker 1 I would have been disappointed if Hank had spelled Wee Wee correctly. Yeah, that would have been way too strong.
That's a weird word,

Speaker 1 way too small. All vowels.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 I thought it was a quick, easy win.

Speaker 1 We.

Speaker 1 Wait, so you did W-I-W-I. Yep.
Well, you could have just said you were pumped about the Badgers, Victor.

Speaker 1 Pumped about the Badgers. Well, this is Friday, I think.
Oh, fuck. You can also just go with Ha-ha.

Speaker 1 How the f I trust her. Spell that.

Speaker 1 H-O-O-N.

Speaker 1 H-H-U-G-N-H-G-N-H.

Speaker 5 That doesn't play as well as Wee Wee, if spelled correctly.

Speaker 1 Ha ha.

Speaker 1 Guardianship makes me feel like this summer day the caterpillar that will slowly be roasted upon the open fire. They may may see that cheese is stinky cheese.

Speaker 1 Give me that stinky cheese. And I'm not talking about a festival.
You stupid American.

Speaker 1 Alright, that's the show.

Speaker 1 Listen to the American podcast. Listen to Piety's Drizzy Jizzy.

Speaker 1 You a fake.

Speaker 1 Say I love you. Je tem.
Jetem.

Speaker 1 Drake, Drake is a fake, fake, fake. A snake, snake, snake.
snake. Give me a break, break, break.

Speaker 1 Drake, Drake is a fake, fake, fake. A snake, snake, snake.
Give me a break, break, break. You shitty, cause you got corny.
Get some wine coolers. Cause you horny, horny, horny, put some high colours.

Speaker 1 You fucking weirdo, massaging hit nurse. You're just kidding us, version of a breadth durst.
Think you're biggie, but you do gangly. At least puff daddy only have one family.

Speaker 1 Look at your sweaters that you can fit in. Man, you got a secret child, got a spot kid.
Ooh,

Speaker 1 you glow is weak. I'm sorry bro.

Speaker 1 Speaker like Iowa. Raptors when you fucking wise the gravesties, but you're on a lost cataract.
You sneak like Uranus. Your lips are Jupiter.
You got a big red spot like a giant gold tower.

Speaker 1 Herpes can't stop. Nerd-ass rapper, call you MC Square.
Got Carlos Cruiser-looking hair. Party my drink, let's chop it up, bro.
You can't rhyme. You and your boy, Johnny Football, both blowing lines.

Speaker 1 Your flow is on Xanax Day behind bars. If you're hearing this, it's too late.
Dog walk, you will start. Save your money so that you can't spend on a dozen trapper trapper keepers for your girlfriend.

Speaker 1 So lazy when you try to spit a simple rhyme. You mean the next line with the same word just to make it rhyme?

Speaker 1 I'd only watch the grass before the Grassy Tyson explain the black hole that somehow swallowed your white son. Drake, Drake is a fake, fake, fake.
A snake, snake, snake, give me a break, break, break.

Speaker 1 It's pardon my take, presented by Barstool Sports.