NFL Week 2 Recap, Fastest 2 Minutes, And An Ernestine Bayless Monday Reading

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We do the fastest two minutes.

We recap the entire league.

No guest Mondays. We're doing it again back by popular demand.
Everyone seemed to like it. So we're going to touch on every single game.
We also have a Monday reading, a very special Monday reading and football guy of the week. We're going to get right back to the show.
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Terms and conditions apply. All right, back to part of my take.
Okay, let's go. Boy! Boy! Now in the streets there is violence.
And I'm not like the song Hey! We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue It's Pardon My Take, presented by Barstool Sports Welcome to Pardon My Take, presented by the Cash App Go download it right now Use code BARSTOL, you get $5 to yourself yourself five dollars to asbca a true win-win

today is monday september 16th week two it's good to be back teach behind a paywall boom just like we always hopedarrhea, Chili Town, where the 49ers faced off against the NFL League leader in passing, Andy Dalton. Huh? Joe, mixing in water, looked hungover Sunday, averaging 1.5 yards a rush.
Was it Friday? Because Deebo Samuel showed up and stole the show. Jimmy Garoppolo feasted all over Cincinnati like it was a San Gennaro.
Hey, Boom, who put all this spaghetti in my cinnamon and my chili? I think I got to the diarrhea. When the moon hits your eye like a big spiral pie, that's a mall ray.
George Skittle tasted the rainbow, and the 49ers looked like I did back in the 80s when a young schwamm was at Candlestick Park watching the catch oh how time passes by Niners 41 Bengals 17 whoop whoop tick to tick in the Motor City we go where the San Diego Superchargers squared off with the Detroit Lions in an old school slugugfest. Matt, break me home tonight.
Had two tickets to paradise that he missed. Whoop, whoop.
But the Lions overcame a fourth-quarter deficit and were Eddie Money down the stretch. Speaking of Eddie Money, my good friend.
From? From? From? Not now, Teej. My good friend Eddie Money.
Gone too soon. Once said, baby, hold on to me.
Whatever will be, will be. So eloquent, Boom.
Line 13, charge a 10. Hey, good, go all the way.
In H-Town, where it was Gardner, it's raining Menchu. Hallelujah.
As the Jaguars had a ferocious fourth quarter comeback, and Doug Marone said, Utah, give me two. But couldn't get a point break.
Jalen Mason Ramsey told Doug Marone. If you ain't got no giddy up.
Then giddy out my way. As the two exchanged words on the sideline.
What's that Lil Nas X diddy. All the kids are singing boom.
Houston's got all the horses in the. Back back back back back back back back back, back, Texans 13, Jaguars 12.
Psh, psh, psh, psh. To the frozen tundra, where two NFC Norse juggernauts face off, and Aaron Rodgers once again treats his cousins like shit.
Pardon my French, but Matt LaFleur, huh, huh, huh, absolutely skullfucked the Vikings so hard, it looks like Mike Zimmer is going to have to put that eyepatch on. Skull! Devontae Adams Sandler left everyone Briskette burnt the tight ends and left them ch coughed up a late lead in Nash Vegas on Sunday.

Jacoby Brisket burnt the tight

ends and left them chafed like a dry rub. And the ageless wonder Adam Vinatieri adds to his Hall of Fame career with an extra point.
This guy's never gonna retire. Colts 19, Titans 17.
Womp, womp, womp, womp! This is what the fishermen of Taiji in Japan don't want you to see. One of the world's most intelligent animals gasping for life as its hunters watch on.

For more than two minutes, this dolphin struggles to stay afloat. Finally, distressed and exhausted, it can take no more.
It gives one last thrash of its tail

before its captors drag it away to be slaughtered. Patriots 43, Dolphin Zero.
In Washington, home of the Russian bots, where Prescott was decking the USSR, you don't know how lucky you are, cowboys. Jason Witten defies the odds of Blake Jarwinism as he proves yet again his survival of the wittest for the tight end.
Adrian Peterson, who was a healthy scratch last week in a touching tribute to his performed form of child discipline, stumbled and bumbled to 25 yards, and the Redskins fans aren't so keen on their playoff chances after 0-2 start. Cowboys 31, the Redskins 21.
To the Meadowlands where the G-Men went up against New York's number one team, the Buffalo Bills. Josh Allen Dershowitz was racking up the barely legal bills and scoring on the Giants who were stuck at 14.
Saquon Means Business Barkley was the lone bright spot for the Giants

with 107 yards and a visit to pay dirt.

But these aren't your fathers, G-Men.

They're the Gettlemen, and they stink.

Hey, Teej.

Yeah, boom?

No one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills.

Bills 28, G-Men 14.

The New York football Giants, They're not going to get him. In Mile High, where Michael Vick Fangio turned the dogs loose on Mitch Trubisky all afternoon long.
As Drake famously said, Is Flacco elite? I said, only partly. I only love the height and the spirals.
I'm sorry. And the Bears are left wondering, imagine if I never Mitch the Biscuits.
To quote the famous Eddie Pinheiro, his game-winning kick was God's plan. God's plan.
Bears 16, Broncos 14. To Los Angeles, where the Saints found themselves on a teddy bridge over troubled water as Jared, Simon, and Goffunkel carved up up the Saints defense.
Without Drew Brees, the New Orleans said, I got an Alvin camera. I love to take a photograph so mama don't take my dome sweet dome away.
As they head to Seattle for another road test before heading homeward bound. Rams 27, Saints 9, refs 7.
Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. We finished in Oakland for the final football game on a baseball field and the always-electric Patrick Mahomes lighting up the scoreboard.
We have Patrick down on field level to recap the game. Patrick, to you.
Thanks, Boop. So good to see you guys back again.
I'm going to miss playing on that old ball field. You know, I was a baseball player just like my cool dad.

So making these throws out there on the diamond reminds

me of the old ball game.

Did you see that guy dressed up like Andy in the crowd?

Holy cats! That guy

was tickling my funny bone. Man, I tell

you, it was neat old mosquito to see Coach Reed

in the black hole because just about every

time I see him, he's consuming a Milky

Way.

People forget in the draft, the Bears took Mitch Trubisky with a second overall pick

while I was still on the board.

But heck, it looks like they made the right decision because Mitch is balling out.

He beat Flacco today and shoot out for the ages.

So good job.

It was a win, win, win all around.

All right.

Week two in the books.

Well, we still have Monday Night Football, but week two mostly in the books. Yeah.
I mean, it was a wild week, too. I feel like everyone got injured.
We have a million injuries. We did that tweet that everyone loves to do.
Like, it's only week two and we've already lost. And then just list Drew Brees, Ben Roethlisberger, Sam Darnold.
Is he injured? Yeah. His nucleosuses are injured.
If you have two nucleosuses, you don't have one. So we're going to do the recap of the entire week two.
No guest again. Everyone loved it last week.
I think we're going to do this every Monday because we get to touch on every game. Yeah, just me and Big Cat fucking a football.
Let's do it. Just like the logo for today's episode says.
Also, after week two, you have to say there are more questions than answers. Big time.
For most of these teams. Big time.
So, actually, let's do this. Before we hop into, like, the Sunday afternoon games, let's just do the game we just watched.
The Atlanta Falcons, I think, are now 11-1 in home openers in their last 12. I finally get paid back for always betting on the Falcons, which I've lost way more money than I won tonight.
But it felt good. And newsflash, the Eagles are, like, insanely injured already in week two.
Yeah, everybody took a trip to the tent today. It was kind of a crazy game.
I thought the Eagles were going to win it at the end. Yes.
Julierts' husband made that catch. I thought when I first saw it that he made it to the line to gain.
But it was a parallax angle. So he didn't get there after all.
Carson Wentz, I think, is still pretty good. Well, he does this thing where it was like the perfect Carson Wentz game where he wasn't very good to start.
Everyone's like, this guy, he's supposed to be a league MVP. Then he gets hurt.
Then everyone says, well, he's hurt, so that's why he's playing bad. Then he played great and almost brought them back to victory like in two different drives when the game was on the line.
And you look at it and you say, oh, yeah, that's why that guy is so good. And everyone thinks highly of him.
But now we leave week two and be like, okay, is he hurt or is he not hurt? Right. It's crazy to watch in the Falcons play, because if you were to compare this game to what they did in Minnesota last week, it's like, it's a schizophrenic team.
They worst. Two personalities of Dan Quinn.
He either wants to kick a field goal on fourth and short or fourth and long. Matt Ryan, I don't know what it is.
When he gets to the red zone, he just decides, this is exactly where I want to be to throw an interception. He threw three picks tonight.
The Falcons lead the league, and this is a stat I haven't looked up, but I'm just going to say it, lead the league in fucking up in the red zone. Yeah, no, that's a fact.
An advanced analytics that I just came up with that the Falcons lead the league in. I'm going to one-up you and say that going back to 2015, they lead the league in fucking up in the red zone.
Every single Falcons game comes down to them fucking up in the red zone. That's why they won this game, because they didn't even get in the red zone.
They just threw a three-yard screen to Julio Jones and let him run. They should do that more often.
Throw a 75-yard touchdown. Stay out of the red zone entirely.
They do better when they're inside their opponent's red zone, which would be what zone is that? The brown zone? Yeah, the opposite of the red zone, whatever that is. Yeah, on the color of spectrum.
No, orange. We'll get a Pantone check on that.
All right, well, yeah, either way, the Falcons are back and the Eagles. Now, like you said, more questions.
I think everyone on the team is injured. Yeah, everyone's injured with the Falcons.
I think the Falcons are in the catbird seat. My favorite term of the NFC South because that division is hot trash.
We're going to get to it. It's hot trash.
I'm going to dangle this out here for right now. I'm considering putting the Dunn chain on the Panthers.

Ooh.

I mean, that makes sense because the Panthers, we talked about on Friday,

but Cam Newton's broken.

Right.

And their whole system's broken.

Right.

They don't have anywhere to go without Cam Newton.

Well, maybe, what's his name?

Will Greer.

Will Greer.

The Savior.

That's right.

Okay, so let's start with the 1 o'clock games.

I want to start with the 49ers and Bengals,

the game that Hank was most looking forward to.

Yeah.

The story here is is did you see the video where someone captured a Bengals fan sending a text to his friend from the nosebleeds and the text read fucking Andy Dalton I hope he dies on the field in the second half so I can run on the field and stomp on his corpse that's pretty pretty strong. Yeah, I mean, I don't think he really minced any words there.
Yeah, I'd like to see him try to get on the field to stomp on his corpse. I feel like if Andy Dalton dies on a football field, I see his point because they should just, like, let him lay there for a while.
They should just, like, let nature take its course, have him decompose slowly on the field. They probably won't.
It's probably better facilities than the Bengals would have anyways because they don't spend money on undertakers and coroners in Cincinnati. Here's a fun fact, though, for that guy who wants to murder Andy Dalton, league leader in passing yards through week two, Andy Dalton.
How many yards does he have today? He had, I think he had like 400 yards or something, 300 yards. He had 400 yards maybe week one and three he's leading the league with like 750 yards or some somewhere around there yeah they're never going to give him up no Andy Dalton needs to be the Bengals quarterback in perpetuity until he physically can't do it until he does die on the field it also was one of those classic games where all uh Andy Dalton had 311 yards today uh all the problems the Bengals had last year, after week one, everyone's like, oh, maybe they're fixed.
Turns out none of them are fixed. The offensive line stinks and the defense really stinks.
The defense isn't very good at all. I don't know what to make of Zach Taylor yet.
I'm trying to get a vibe on him, and he's a tough guy to vibe he's like he looks like an assistant coach on the sidelines yeah he looks like the guy whose job it is to catch the passes for the quarterback and then hand the quarterback the ball right he doesn't pop on the sidelines he doesn't have a thing yet he needs we need to figure out a vibe he it's i would say i would go as far as say he's got a sketchy vibe oh he's sketchy yeah he is sketchy because you just know what he's doing. He's one of those guys, he shows up at a party and all your friends that are girls look at each other with like the side glances.
I don't know. Who is this guy? Is he going to let Andy Dalton be the quarterback all year? Putting out weird vibes.
Yeah. This also is the Jimmy G game because he actually played a good game, which everyone's been waiting for.
And on top of all that, I love when we can just count on things in the NFL. And because Kyle Shanahan, Mike Shanahan's son, we can now count on the 49ers always having a no-name guy be awesome at running the football.
Yeah, well. Matt Breida, he's not no-name.
He's not no-name. He's pretty good.
But still, he will plug in anyone and they will get 100 yards. I think that their starter got injured.

I might be wrong on that.

I think he got banged up.

And then Breida is the guy that's – he's always been the fancy football players.

Like, oh, if he just got more touches, he's amazing.

He's like the new Duke Johnson, essentially.

They had three guys who had over 10 touches.

Raheem Mostert.

Am I saying that right? Sure, yeah. Jeff Wilson Jr Jr.
He sounds like a race car driver and Matt Brita. And they just ran the ball and ran the ball 234 rushes between or yards between those three guys.
And I just love it because it's back to old school. Mike Shanahan.
We're like, whoever they put in that system, he'll just, he'll just rip defenses up. The zone blocking.
One cut. Yeah, and when you can go to sleep knowing these things, it feels good.
Yeah, put your foot in the ground, get downhill. Alfred Morris can do it.
You can do it. Yeah.
Yeah, it's like Kyle Shanahan and Belichick are the two guys that come to mind that fucking hate fantasy football owners so much that they almost get a sick pleasure, a sick, perverted, twisted pleasure out of nobody being able to guess who's going to get the lion's share of the touches in the backfield during any given game. With Belichick, it went so far that he was like, I'm going to put Aaron Hernandez back here for a game.
I'm going to let the murderer get 4.5 yards per carry. What was the guy's name who had like four touchdowns and then got cut? Gray.
No. No, the guy who went on he was on the cover of like Sports Illustrated.
Yeah, it was Gray. Was it? Yeah, it was Gray.
Jonas Gray. Jonas Gray, yeah.
And then he like looked at Belichick wrong. He missed a team plane.
I love it. Can't do that.
The 49ers are a classic team through two weeks. They're 2-0 and I have no idea if they're good or not yeah are we sure that they're good i know the record says that they're good but we're not sure if they're good next week they get to play the steelers which i also don't know at home they're bad or good yeah at home so we won't know until probably till the rams week five um all right next up we have chargers at lions anthony lynn you're a fucking idiot that's what i wrote down okay because anthony lynn went into this game without a kicker and had his punter kick field goals and he missed them both it's the same motion and they lost by three and he missed a 39er and a 41 yarder and it's like what what are you doing i also the other thing i noted was uh matt stafford is like a junkyard Phil Rivers.
He's like a less accomplished Phil Rivers. They both have the same vibe where they could throw a horrible interception or they could bring their team back in the fourth quarter and withstand multiple injuries and hardcore sacks and blindside sacks.
They never see the blindside sack coming, right? And they can throw the ball around the yard. Yeah, they don't feel pain.
And what I'm really enjoying about Phillip Rivers at this point in his career is he's always had that weird shot putt motion where he starts from his shoulder. It's getting further and further away from his butt.
He has no, like, he doesn't bring the ball back at all. It starts in front of him.
It's like a chest pass every time that he throws it. And he can make it go 45 yards if he needs to yes but he's fucking fun to watch he's seen with the nuns the nuns in the front row in the pregame dapping him up he's like all right solidarity y'all i'm not gonna score just for y'all yes also lions fans uh lions fans are i think two behind raiders fans for most hilarious costumes that they all wear on sundays okay so it's just a whole section of them that just think it's completely normal to dress up like lions.
You're forgetting about Mr. Cat in, in Carolina.
Yeah, but that's one guy I'm talking about the lions fans. Cause now not to brag, but we have direct TV at the office.
So we actually get to watch like the live feeds of the games. There were so many shots.
I couldn't get my phone out fast enough of just Lions fans dressed up like animals. Yeah.

And or looking like they gave a blowjob to a robot and dressing all silver and weird shit.

I like that about.

Yeah.

No, I love like the in Detroit.

That's how you just go to a game.

It's not like you don't go with like a work group or anything to the game.

You've got your hardcore diehard season ticket fans that you've your family has spent like being neighbors with every sunday or eight sundays a year for the last 40 years and so they only know you as your name when you're dressed up oh bucks fans are sneaky like that buck fans are too but the the all you need to know about lions fans is that like season ticket holders for the detroit think about this, have spent every single Thanksgiving with the Detroit Lions and not their family. That says it every day.
That is Thanksgiving. That's the most hardcore you can get.
It's been like, no, I'm not going to do anything with my family. I'm just going to go watch the shitty Lions be shitty.
I'd rather get nutted on by C-3PO and put my gold glitter all over my face, show up at a game and watch the Lions lose by 30 points. The other thing I had here, Melvin Gordon, not a great day to be you again.
Nope. Austin Eckler had a pretty good game.
Although he fumbled. He fumbled.
But he had a pretty good game. And so Melvin Gordon paid Austin Eckler, or he paid the Chargers update.
He has now paid the Chargers, I think $600,000 and they've paid Austin Eckler $75,000. So they're just, they're happy with the situation because they're making bank.
The fumble was very big and, and ball security is job security. So if you're Melvin Gordon, you're just rooting for him to continue to fumble.
Yeah. If the term fumble itis gets attached to him, yes, he's got the fumbles.
Then you can make a case that you need me back. Barstoolgold.com slash PMT if you want to watch all of our episodes.
Barstoolgold.com slash PMT. We've got a big guest coming on Wednesday if you want to watch that.
It's an awesome one. Bigger than Gronk.
Bigger than Gronk. Taller than Gronk.
Vikings Packers. Yes.
Dalvin Cook is awesome. The Vikings went away from the playbook that we told them works don't let your quarterback be a quarterback don't let Kurt Cousins throw the ball more than 10 times in a game he threw it 32 times that's that's almost four times more than 10 how many completions do you think he had out of 32 17 15 14 15.
14. 14.
14 completions out of 32 with two interceptions. The Vikings just run the ball and play defense.
And their defense figured out Aaron Rodgers and Matt LaFleur in the second half because the Packers looked unbelievable in the first half. And then they completely shut him down in the second half.
But they had Kirk Cousins who had to bring him back and you can't do that you can't you can't let Kirk Cousins who you pay a lot of money to throw the football throw the football yeah nothing in this world will break your spirit faster than having to be a fan that gets excited for Kirk Cousins on a Sunday because you have to talk yourself into it if you're a Vikings fan right you're like he's gonna put he can win this for us. I tried to do this for two years in D.C., and it is so depressing being like, Kirk is going to win this game for us, and actually believing in him going into a game.
And he's the worst kind of quarterback because he's the kind that's good enough where when he fucks up, it really hurts you. It disappoints you.
It's not like he's Nathan Peterman where he throws interception, and you're like, ah, that's Nathan Peterman, that's funny he's not fitzpatrick where he throws a pick six and you're like hilarious he's still in the league he is good enough to give you enough hope where then when he fucks up he totally like drives you into deep deep depression he's he's like a magic eye back in the day when we had the magic eye books and you just have to go cross-eyed to to try to see what you want to see you have to you have to go cross-eyed every sunday morning if you want to see. You have to go cross-eyed every Sunday morning,

if you're a Vikings fan, to try to see a quarterback.

Yeah, and you just stare at him for long enough

and you think that eventually a quarterback will pop out

and you're like, nope, it's still just a piece of dog shit.

It just looks like a shitty wall.

Okay, I'll turn the calendar to October.

Maybe it'll be quarterback then.

Not to break character or break the show up,

but how much computer battery do you have? Because I'm about to die. I'm at 88.
Oh, thanks. Here you go.
You got it. You got more than enough juice.
I'll give you some juice. All right.
Yeah, I'm swimming in power over here. Also, not to break the show up, but that shirt is an all-time shirt.
Oh, the Nathan Peterman shirt. The Nathan Peterman shirt.
Yeah, the Peterman. Fuck you, Hank.
All right. Also, not to break the show up, Pink Whitney's.
Let's talk about them real quick. For any of you stoolies out there who've been off the grid for the past few weeks, we teamed up with our partners at New Amsterdam Vodka to make our signature drink, the Pink Whitney Official.
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Pink Whitney's actually delicious. I like it.
It is delicious. Our good friend Ryan Whitney has a drink named after himself.
Can you believe it? The pride of situate Massachusetts. Gas and Whitney's and Chuck and Knucks.
Unbelievable that he has his own drink. The Pink Whitney's.
Check them out. New Amsterdam Vodka.
Okay. Colt Titans.
The field was on fire. Yes.
The speaker caught fire pregame. That was was awesome i love this happens every now and then wasn't there what there's usually dumpster fires i think maybe the lions or maybe it was the saints there was a dome that had the turf on fire right a couple years ago from like a pyrotechnic this was a speaker that was completely engulfed in flames the only explanation i thought oxcord had theycord.
Yeah. Swag Kelly pumped some shit pregame.
He had that Spotify list going. Absolutely.
It was a Viking funeral for country music, basically. So the real story here is Adam Vinatieri's going to retire tomorrow.
Well, are we first reporting? You don't think he's holding a press conference? I would assume. Adam Vinatieri could be holding a press conference and calling the media together on a Monday morning for any number of reasons.
We don't know that. He's just going to be like, hey, I fucked up.
I'm sorry, guys. I fucked up.
Yeah. Hank, let me ask you this.
Adam Vinatieri going to the Hall of Fame as a Colt or as one of ours, a Patriot? Patriot, one of us. You think so? Yeah.
More rings. More rings.
I don't even know. Played longer.
Played longer in Indy, though, right? In 2006, I think. But you don't, there's no memorable Adam Vinatieri moments on the Colts.
He won a Superbowl for him, but there's nothing that like, there's nothing that's imprinted in your memory of like Adam Vinatieri game winning kick. You think of the Rams.
Here's what I remember from his time in Indianapolis, uh, when he made a field goal and then Tony Dungy said that guy's good on the side, on the sideline. There you go.
He's like, I've got a guy. He he's going to retire.
His money is what he missed. What he missed two extra points in a field goal.
Yeah. And he missed an extra point yesterday or last week to.
Yeah. But the Colts won.
So that's got to count for something. And the Titans, they are a classic team where you think you don't know what they are, but I know exactly they are and they just play ugly ass games and marcus mariotta is the most frustrating quarterback in the world to watch there's a gentleman's agreement between every team in the nfc south afc south that says we're never going to play a fun game to watch together yeah it's all going to be butt ugly shit fests and uh we're going to just we're going to win 12 to 13 we're going to win uh 17 to 14 and we're going to do that every single time we get together no one's going to like it and then when the playoffs come around no one's going to know how to bet on us i feel like marcus mario is allergic to throwing 300 yards he can't do it i think cannot do it i think that's fair i think that's totally fair to say that i also think that jim ursay is going to go hog wild down in nashville tonight after winning a game there and buy like every single guitar in opry land that jim ursay outfit that you tweeted the other day when he was wearing a suit coat and under armor sweatpants oh yeah and sketchers holy air force once that guy's got style no asking that's gotta be so awesome though to be so rich that you can wear whatever the fuck you want and no one will say, hey, man, you look like an asshole.
Yeah, no, it must Robert Kraft shirts for years. What? I mean, it's a white collar and a blue shirt.
It's a ridiculous shirt. But because he's Robert Kraft, no one's going to be like, hey, why wouldn't you just get a collar that's the same color as your shirt? Because Mr.
Craft exudes excellence.

And he dates models who are into fashion, which clearly you know nothing about.

You're right.

It's unreal.

If you're this rich, you can just wear a sweatshirt and be like, well, it actually costs $2,000.

So you can't hate on it.

If you're wealthy, then you can just wear the exact same thing every day.

Steve Jobs did that.

That's true.

The lady from that scam company that took your blood did that. I don't know.
Th yeah yeah elizabeth holmes did that every successful person elizabeth holmes uh billy mcfarlane he wears an orange jumpsuit every single day yeah only very very wealthy people can do this it's uh it really is what as they as the kids say goals uh to to someday be so rich that you can dress like an asshole and have no one say a word. And no ass.
Yeah. And no ass.
No ass whatsoever, which, by the way, there's a picture out there floating of me today. I gotta do some squats.
Squat-tober is around the corner. No ass gang.
Squat-tober is... It looks like shit just falls out of my ass.
What does Sir Mix-A-Lot say? Inverted ass gang. You can do all the side bins and sit-ups, but don't lose that butt, big cat.
I need... Squat-tober needs to get here fast.
I think my butt's bigger than yours. Yeah, probably.
I don't have a big dumper. What do you want me to say? I got a big old chunky.
Okay. Hank, Patriots 43, Dolphins 0.
Actually, I don't know why I said Hank. PFT.
Yeah. Because you need to answer for some shit.
My Patriots. No, you're Dolphins.
You're Dolphins are going to go down as the worst team in NFL history, and you said they were going to win seven games. I would rather be on the wrong side of the worst take of all time than be on the wrong side of a mildly bad take.
Because I've been in both situations before more often than not, but getting something so colossally wrong as the Dol Dolphins going oh and 16 the reverse 76 that would be I would be proud to to have an all-time bad take like that and you thought it though that's the worst part is you actually did think you're like Ryan Fitzpatrick's gonna get him a few wins only the great ones can be so confident in something so wrong and not willing to get off that hill before they die I'm gonna be like Andy Dalton on the field dying on this bad take. I think, okay, they probably won't go seven and seven from here on out.
Minkovitz Patrick is looking for a trade and they're trying to trade him, which is ridiculous because he was a first round draft pick last year. They've got, they're trying to trade Kenny and Drake too.
Trying to trade Drake. Okay.
Yeah. Get Drake the fuck out.
The dolphins are going to break. I think they are going to break a record this year for biggest point spread.
They have to, right? Well, they play the Patriots in Week 17, so that one might not count. But I'm looking at it right now.
The next week, they're playing the Cowboys at Dallas. I don't...
It's probably going to be 18 again. Probably like 17, 18 as a spread.
13 and a half. And let's just say one of the pick sixes today wasn't entirely Fitzmagic's fault.
Those were so fun. Okay, so I have a stat for you.
First is the Dolphins are being outscored 102 to 10. They're basically an FCS program trying to play in the FBS.
It's getting bad. They are, I don't even know what like jacksonville state or someone who's trying to who's trying to play bama every single week yeah uh so and i this this might actually get to a point where i'm going to start believing the alabama could beat the dolphins if they trade enough of their guys uh so they're 102 to 10 is is their total points this this year so far through two games the patriots scored more points on defense in a one minute and 13 stretch during this game okay then the dolphins have in 120 minutes on offense okay so all that tells me is that by being so vocal about saying that i'm gonna bet on the dolphins cover the spread i motivated the Patriots.
They feed off the hate. Well, so the other good thing, the only silver lining we have for the Dolphins season at this point is Brian Flores continues to put in Josh Rosen and give us Josh Rosen stat lines.
Josh Rosen stat line, 7 for 18, 97 yards and an interception. So thank you, Brian Flores, because we can keep the Josh Rosen stat line bit going when you just throw him to the Wolves.
And it's so weird because he does it in these blowouts, and he's like, yeah, this is a good time for this guy to learn. With no pros on the field and a team that just wants to hold the shutout, let's throw him in there and see if he can make some magic happen.
Yeah, it's awful. It's awful the time.
Yeah, Hank, what do you got? The funniest part about that game was the end. That last drive, like the game was over, it was 43-0, and Flores and Belichick were calling timeouts to stop the clock because Belichick didn't want to score, and I think it was just like old buddies going against each other.
Even though it's 43-0 and everyone just wants to leave, we're not letting this game end. I think Belichick hates Flores now.
I think ever since he left, he's like, you're not one of my guys. You're not loyal.
The only assistant that Bill Belichick actually likes is Josh McDaniels because he's the one that was so loyal that he turned down a job to come back. He fucked over the Colts.
And the Broncos. Yeah, he absolutely loves Josh McDaniels because he ruins franchises that are rivals with the Patriots.
Okay, so in Belichick fashion, Hank, because the Patriots are obviously unbelievable and they're going to... It's offensive porn.
I don't know who's going to beat him. It's unbelievable to watch him play.
And Antonio Brown, them targeting Antonio Brown to make him happy three or four times in the first drive. I was like, come on.
But because Belichick, you know he's going to sit the team down and be like, you didn't do well. What are you going to do about Steven Gostowski? Because he missed two extra points.
He's terrible Miami. And he missed the field goal.
It's like he's 90% in all time, and he's like 70% in Miami. So that's just a Miami thing.
Okay, so there you go. The real problem is the snapping.
That's the only thing that I've noticed watching the film you can tell that David Andrews is not not playing because the shotgun snaps are getting kind of kind of slow okay so there's a there's an issue at center that we have to address okay Brady needs to shove a couple more towels into his ass solve you go boom done solve bills at Giants bills uh so let's with this. Pat Shermer last year said about Josh Allen, he has a chance to be a starter.
Pat Shermer, you're a fucking idiot. Disrespectful.
Pat Shermer is still starting Eli Manning. Eli Manning didn't have a completion until the second quarter.
And Eli Manning, I'm woke to this. He's putting up enough stats that if you look back at his like the box score yeah you can reasonably say to yourself oh not that bad he threw for 250 yards and a touchdown a couple interceptions but if you don't watch the game you can basically sell it like maybe it's not just eli's fault but if you watch the game it's eli's They basically just ran the ball.
The only time they had success was the first drive where they just ran Saquon five times in a row. He scored a touchdown all by himself.
We should all be hoping that the Giants win as many games as possible to get Eli to stick around as much as possible. Because as long as they're in the playoff hunt, they're still going to start.
They're still going to start. They're not mathematically eliminated yet.
I'm not a math genius.

I'm no Fitzpatrick, but I do know that they're not eliminated after two weeks.

The Dolphins are the only team that's officially mathematically eliminated.

But, yeah, they should absolutely – we should be rooting for Eli Manning to play well for the –

well, not necessarily for him to play well, just for the Giants to win,

just for them to win some games.

They'll beat the Redskins.

They'll beat them at home.

They'll beat them at home. They'll beat them at home.

Maybe.

And then on the other side, Josh Allen.

I'm doing a torch update.

Torch being passed from Cam Newton to Josh Allen.

I fucking love him.

As the best running quarterback.

Shout out all the haters, of which there were many.

Josh Allen is real and he's spectacular.

And Pat Shermer saying that quote and Josh Allen going in and shoving it in his face. Fuck yeah that's all i'm gonna say fuck yeah dude josh allen too uh the a reporter asked what do you think uh you showed new york fans and he's like uh we're in new york right now like we're a new york team we're actually number one new york we're actually in new jersey right now they won the state championship you mean the people watching at home yeah in new york the new york state championship goes to the Buffalo right now.
They won the state championship, too.

You mean the people watching at home in New York?

The New York state championship goes to the Buffalo Bills.

They're 2-0 in MetLife Stadium.

I wouldn't mind making Buffalo the capital of New York.

I'm down for it, too.

They should do it like that.

If the Bills are the better team, then Buffalo, boom,

immediately gets all the state documents, the charters, all that.

All these lawmakers have to move from wherever the capital of New York is,

Albany.

They have to take the big train up to the Bills.

Thank you. Boom, immediately gets all the state documents, the charters, all that.
All these lawmakers have to move from wherever the capital of New York is, Albany. They have to take the big train up to Buffalo.
I think that's the same as Buffalo. Well, no, maybe not.
Albany, Syracuse, and Buffalo are those things that, like, they're all the same, but they're so far apart. Yeah, Albany is Buffalo without a football team and without wings.
Yeah. So it's like you take the only redeeming— The Great Danes.
The best parts. The Great Danes.
The Great Danes. The University of Albany.
Okay, Great Danes are there. Yeah.
That's it. I mean, that's a great mascot.
That's all you got. The best thing about you is that you're not New York City.
Yeah. Purple and something.
That's the basketball team. Albany.
University of New York, Albany. That is a pretty sweet name for a team.
Yeah, the Great Danes. Can I ask you a question uh are we sure that Pat Shermer is a good coach because I think he fucking sucks I think I think he's just got a he's got a pouch in his back that Dave Gettleman's hand fits directly into so he can make him do whatever he wants this is awesome because Pat Shermer is a classic coach where there's this management owner weird like fight and you have a guy who won two Super Bowls and who's going to be a hall of famer and Eli Manning.
So everyone kind of glosses over the fact that Pat Shermer might actually just be a terrible coach. Yeah.
Give me Ben McAdoo back. I miss McAdoo.
At least he had the balls. Yeah.
He had the balls to bench him in a game that really made no sense, but he did it. He went he went out there and did it anyways he had the weird haircut i don't even know what pat shirmer's hair looks like he always wears a full ball cap i don't know what he's got he might have a mohawk it's just funny because he might be totally bald you get these coaches that they get put in these situations where no one will blame the coach even though that seems like what we should be saying because he is the one who keeps starting eli Manning that was his decision it's Gettleman and Mara and Mr.
Mara sorry um but yeah Pat Shermer like what he's he's gonna his record's gonna be insanely bad if the Giants keep losing like I think they will he's gonna be yeah but he'll get a he'll get to keep his job because he'll be Daniel Jones guy he seems like a guy that going to transition very easily into being like an assistant general manager somewhere. Yeah.
I feel like Pat Shermer is a good football coach if you take out all the elements of coaching football. Right.
He looks the part. Right.
And his son was pretty good at Vanderbilt. They covered against Notre Dame.
I won money on that. There you go.
So he's got that going for him. I like him for that reason.
But he seems like a guy that just is destined to spend his entire life at a football facility of some sort.

Just punching in and punching out.

Also, Shermer, probably the boringest name football-wise in the league.

Yeah, I'd say so.

Shermer.

Shermer.

Yeah, Pat.

Yeah, Pat.

Pat Shermer.

Pat Shermer.

It sounds like I'm having a stroke and diarrhea at the same time.

Pat Shermer.

What'd you say?

Did you stutter?

Pat Shermer.

Yeah, if Eli Manning was a name, it would be Pat Shermer.

He's a good one. It sounds like I'm having a stroke and diarrhea at the same time.
Pat Shermer. What'd you say? Or did you stutter?

Pat Shermer.

Yeah.

If Eli Manning was a name, it would be Pat Shermer.

He also, that extra R in there, it makes you think that you're saying it incorrectly.

Pat Shermer.

And it's like, you're making me think more about your name than I want to.

Yep.

Fuck you, dude.

We've spent too much time talking about his stupid fucking name already.

Yeah.

Poor Saquon.

That's the only other note. Yeahquon hey hey man hey buddy I know the elbows connected to the shoulder bone connected to the pelvis bone looks like you hit your frontal bone there I wanna throw on this boot I boot.
I'm pretty cozy. Just toss it on, and that little frontal bone injury just goes away.
Hey, Ben, I know your elbow's all tingly-wingly. I'd sure like to help you make it feel good again.
If you're a new listener, we're talking about the Seahawks and the Steelers game and Big Ben getting injured for the billionth time in a row. This one actually thinks, think it's real.
He thinks it's real, too. He definitely thinks we know he thinks it's it was weird looking at it.
It just didn't really even see what happened. He just it looked like he hit his funny bone and he'll put on his walking boot and he will get in front of the media and he'll say over my fucking dead body.
Does Mason Rudolph get to play anymore? I'm going out there, even if I'm hurt, which I might not be because I'm a dog that just yelps every time, you know, something, someone drops the keys. Yeah.
Anytime a skateboard comes near my paw, I run away and you make it. And we have to take you to the vet and it's like $700 every fucking time you fake an injury.
Big Ben ben i actually wouldn't be shocked if the steelers just have a vet on call for big ben probably they probably do ben listen we want to give you a real doctor but we actually have a lot of players here and they need medical attention so we're just gonna have you see the vet every time yeah and he'll give you maybe a little treat have you sit and then send you on your way i tell you, this is your new, this is going to be your individualized trainer. His name is Cesar Milan.
And he's just going to make you. Put this cone on.
He's going to be calm, assertive. Yeah, put this cone on.
And pack leader. You'll be fine.
He had the quickest trip to the training room of all time today before halftime. He went in and came out in four minutes.
Yeah. So he left.
He goes in the tunnel. I think the vet gave him a trick.
I think all that can happen.

He essentially walked into the training room, farted, and then walked back onto the field and was like, I feel better.

It was like a baby burping.

Yeah.

And then they're like, no, Ben, we need to have you.

Someone's got to take a look at you.

And what it looked like was the Tommy John issue.

What is that?

The ligament.

Yeah.

The UCL.

It did linse come in.

He couldn't grip the curveball.

Upright citizen's ligament is what it is. But yeah, he's like like It's all tingly And he can't grip it He can't throw it And if that's actually the case And he's probably going to be out for a while If Ben actually does feel pain Which the jury's still out on If it's not all phantom stuff But yeah That would be something To have Mason Rudolph Who Big Ben notoriously Did not train Did not train To take over if Mason has to come in for him.
And then Mason, in his postgame comments, was doing the thing where he was giving it all up for Ben. He's like, you know, I'm ready to play if Ben will let me.
Yeah, I'm so scared of Ben Roethlisberger and what he'll do because Ben Roethlisberger's in that weird spot, similar to Eli Manning, where what he's done for the franchise just keeps carrying over whether he's good or not. And Big Ben's better than Eli, obviously.
Don't get mad, Steelers fans. But he could get anyone fired at any moment.
Oh, yeah. He could just – well, he probably can't snap his fingers because he can't feel his arm anymore.
His left hand. But, yeah, he would be like – well, there's no way he knows how to do that with his left hand.
That's true, yeah just click with his tongue big fire that guy he's probably so psyched to have like a numb right hand so he can go home and just jack it constantly because i got an entire weekend on a date with the stranger fellas i i would just imagine him going into the locker room and the doctor like grabbing his arm and just wiggling it and he's like oh my god are they gonna haveate it? Doc like Ben, you, you ask this every time an extremity is hurt. Yeah.
Ben, you just, you just twisted your elbow a little. Do you want to go back in? Like, no, I don't.
Cause we're probably going to lose Steelers though. Is this the end of the Mike Tomlin Steelers? Because they're Owen to now has he lost the locker room? Their defense does not look good.
And they've invested a little bit in their defense. And big Ben is, say at the end of the road it's fair to say if it is the ucl if it is the tommy john thing then there's no chance he'd be able to play i know josh allen had a similar thing last year yeah where he had like a pinched nerve or something weird going up but if it's bad then i don't think he's going to be able to play i think that this could be the beginning of the end for big ben which i'm very very upset about and mason rudolph wasn't that bad no he wasn't he was decent so you get to the point where like okay well maybe mason rudolph is the guy either way the seahawks now two and oh they're for real they find ways to win um uh what's his name lockett is the new doug baldwin russell wilson just throws it to him whenever he's in trouble and whenever he needs a first down and it works and yeah i i mean it was i i think there's more an indictment on the steelers and because week one we said the patriots are just that good and mike tomlin just can't ever beat the patriots but then to have your home opener and the seahawks come in and it feels like it's a game you should be able to win, I don't know.
I don't know where the Steelers go. Well, DK Metcalf is pretty good too.
Yeah. So it looks like he's going to be a good red zone target.
He's like, he is big as fuck. He's like if Kelvin Benjamin went keto for like two months, he's got that aesthetic.
He's Kelvin Finjaman is what I'm going to call him from now on. He's cut up.
He's cut up and he can run different routes that I'm told because I've seen a lot of videos on the Seahawks' main Twitter account that show him running like a dig route that absolutely sucks. But they say, like, look, he can do other things.
He had the five-cone drill of Tom Brady, right? Yeah. That was what it was.
He can't turn, and that's fine. So, yeah, I think – and James Conner got hurt too.
So the Steelers are in trouble. Yeah.
Their medical staff is working overtime slash vets. Um, also Russell Wilson sucked at sliding today.
I don't know if you saw that. He was a terrible term.
Usually he's one of the best because people forget he was a baseball player. Yep.
So he knows how to slide, but he was terrible. He was getting his foot caught on the turf.
He was like diving forward at Heinz field though. It's Heinz field.
You have to. Yeah.
But I was thinking who are the all time worst worst sliders in history at the quarterback position. I gotta say Flacco is up there.
Flacco definitely. Because remember the time that he just shattered his knee brace and just broke everywhere like Forrest Gump? Eli.
Eli was my number two. Eli looks like he's going to tear every single bone, break every bone, tear every single ligament in his legs whenever he tries to slide.
Ben Roethlisberger is pretty bad at it, too, because he just does it.

He just kind of falls.

Yeah, he just puts his face forward.

Yeah, right.

That's where I want to go, to that blade of grass.

Yes.

Quickest way to get there is putting my face on it.

Yeah.

And then RG3, obviously.

Yeah, RG3 for sure.

Every time he slides, I just think – I actually think he's going to explode.

Speaking of RG3, the Cowboys and Redskins,

even though he's not on the Redskins anymore.

But –

He'll always be. Dak continues his You Should Pay Dak tour.
Pay Dak. Kellen Moore continues his I'm Actually a Real Offensive Coordinator, Jason Garrett, What Does He Even Do Here tour.
And I don't know. The Redskins are just one of those teams that are just floating in nowhere.
Floating aimlessly. They have no identity.
They have no – like their coach won't be their coach for very long i why aren't they just playing duane haskins uh that's a good question like why well because they trade for case keenum and case keenum is jay gruden's ideal quarterback but why why when you draft a quarterback in the first round i mean it's the same thing with daniel jones i don't know why you just don't it drove me crazy and we'll get to mitch but it drove me crazy when when the Bears did that and it's like just play your guy because my my uh Sean Salisbury actually changed my mind with that because I always was of the belief that if you put a guy in early and he and he fails he'll have you know like he'll he'll see things and it won't work long term he can get basically scarred. But Sean Salisbury said if a guy gets scarred,

he never was going to be the guy anyway.

You know what I mean?

You either have it or you don't.

You either have the ability to overcome getting beat up

and taking your lumps or you don't.

So might as well just do it now because if they play Case Keenum all year,

then now Dwayne Haskins is a rookie next year.

What's the point?

I actually think there's something to be said from a GM perspective to not playing your quarterback his rookie year. It's a golden ticket.
It's a golden ticket, which is job security number one. Jeff Fisher taught us that for a long time.
Oh, yeah. But also, it's less likely to be labeled as a bust if it's a second-year player coming in for the first time.
Right now, if Dwayne Haskins was in an absolutely sucked dick, it's really easy to be like, hey, that's a bust, Dan Snyder. Yeah.
But if he comes in his sophomore year or his second year and he doesn't play well, it's like, oh, he's not going to work out. He's not the future.
But he doesn't get the bust chain put around his neck like he would if it was his rookie year. I just don't understand why you wouldn't.
If you have no identity as a team and you have no playoff hopes and you're just kind of floating aimlessly, at least give your fans some hope with a guy playing. We do have an identity.
It sucks. A clown car full of buttholes.
Yeah, it sucks. And the Cowboys are good.
The Cowboys are good. Can I have permission to go there on Dan Snyder? Yeah.
Dan, great owner. Dan Snyder, sell the team.
Great owner. I'm talking to you right now.
You're a great owner as 31 other NFL owners will tell me. You are a great owner, and they love having you as a part of the league so they can kick your ass all the time.
But sell the team. You're a guy that grew up rooting for the R-Words.
You care very much about them. Right now, your legacy is going to be the person who destroyed the thing you love the most in life.
That's actually kind of a cool legacy. If you sell the team, then you have a chance to be known as the person who saved the thing that you grew up loving the most.
He loved the Redskins so much, he hugged them so hard he suffocated them. Yes.
That's kind of cool. That's how much love you have.
It's Cosette crawling under Christopher's butt. Yep cosette christopher sat on her was high on his dog yeah because he was so high on h he was on the junk and then then he tried to say that uh he cosette crawled under his butt for warmth yeah and cosette was just dead though three or four and it was a big problem he had to have an intervention no it wasn't got upset about it yeah well i don't know what typical chick stuff deep on each i don't think started nagging him about killing killing her dog it's like i woke up i woke up and came into the bing one morning and there you were with your hair in the toilet water disgusting that was silvio's intervention that was all that was the letter they wrote so dan sider sell the fucking team you have a chance to be the person who saved the redskins by killing yourself a bike yeah yeah either sell the team or just like jump out of

your helicopter poku yes commit sepoku or do the the old Chilean revolutionary

trick and throw yourself out of the helicopter okay so Cardinals Ravens

Kyler Murray PFT don't get triggered earmuffs Kyler Murray looks even shorter

like every single week good he's getting shorter good I every time I see him like

Thank you. Kyler Murray, PFT, don't get triggered, earmuffs.
Kyler Murray looks even shorter like every single week.

Good. I think he's getting shorter.

Good.

Every time I see him, I'm like, man, that guy's short.

Because he was a show-off when he went to the combine and clocked in at 5'10".

He's short.

Yeah, he's very short.

He's short.

And he's also got a big helmet.

He does because he's so short.

He's like a walking bobblehead, and it's kind of cute watching him play back there.

Yeah.

He didn't really run the ball this week.

He's like a backyard baseball guy. Exactly.
That's exactly what he looks like. this week a backyard baseball guy exactly that's exactly what he looks like Pablo Sanchez yeah he looks like Pablo Sanchez in in red and white and uh yeah I I don't know if he's good or not yet I think that he's better than he looked in the first half it takes some time to get Cliff Kingsbury's system work well here's what I don't understand about Cliff Kingsbury and I hate hate coaches in general.
We talked about the Eagles-Falcons game.

I love Doug Peterson.

I've said it many times.

He goes for it.

He takes moments and he grabs them by the balls.

He's like, fourth down, I don't care.

Cliff Kingsbury, you're supposed to be this offensive genius guy.

You're supposed to bring up this up-tempo, you-can't-beat-us offense.

That's why you were hired.

The Cardinals in the red zone, fourth and one at the four field goal fourth and goal at the three field goal fourth and goal at the two field goal what the fuck dude you could have won this game if you just if you just said hey we're gonna go it if you go for it and you get two out of three of those times you win the game and i think my math is right yeah yeah my math is right they lost by six they would have eight more points so you just need to get two out of three of those converted maybe that math doesn't work out either way go for it go for it more often go for what you're saying i don't understand if you get if you have four if you can't get one yard then i mean i would rather die i would rather lose trying to get one yard and fourth and goal on the one then just slowly die kicking field goals every time you get down there i think he's just terrified going up against defenses that don't play in the big 12 so he's like i can't get a first down here it's not i'm not playing against tcu anymore i'm not playing against baylor but you know what i mean like just just if you're supposed to this guy, why are you turtling so much? And you have Kyler Murray. You can't you can't get Kyler Murray into space and let him get you a first down.
That seems crazy. Also, your name can't be Cliff Kingsbury and be a pussy when it comes to going.
Right. You're exactly.
You're hot. You're on the sidelines.
You're wearing your sunglasses, which looks hot no matter who you are. If you put on a pair of cool shades.
Yeah. You should be going for it more often.
I agree with that. I also had written down here that Larry Fitzgerald's never going to die.
Nope. His big butt somehow gets wide open.
Guess what? His big butt could get wide open on a fourth and one. Yes.
Exactly. Just box him out.
Box him out. He's a guy that has the exact opposite ass of you and Hank and Jim Irsay.
Yep. He's got a little bubble butt he can just stick out there, get some separation.
He's a guy that no matter how long he plays in the NFL, I will always be able to identify Larry Fitzgerald just from his body type. Yes.
His body type is very unique to any other player in the league. With the dreads and the bubble butt.
Even if the dreads weren't around. Yeah yeah he just looks different as a wide receiver i don't know what it is about him um lamar jackson get ready because week five we're gonna get and it will be deserved if he keeps playing the way he is uh we'll get the lamar jackson for mvp talk yeah because he had almost 400 yards rushing and passing today i think he ran for 120 yards he was slicing and dicing them up so get ready for it lamar jackson's the real deal is it time to say that maybe lamar got better this offseason because they got rid of their diva wide receiver joe flacco interesting we'll get to joe flacco he stinks he stinks he stinks all right jaguars texans doug marone is fighting his players.
And we love Doug Marone.

Well, it was a disagreement.

He said afterwards that he doesn't even remember it.

He doesn't recall the fight, which is a very football guy thing to do.

It was over a challenge.

So Ramsey wanted him to challenge a play. And Ramsey shoved him coming off the field.

So Doug Marone had a right to be like, hey, man, I'm the coach.

I will also say Doug Marone going for two on the road. Love that.
I love that move. So that's the thing.
Like, if you're at the end of a game and it's one point and you just scored a touchdown, I always say, like, you're on the road. Go for it.
Like, what do you have to lose? Go for two. Try to steal one on the road.
But then if it's at home, I always say, go for it. You're at home.
You've got the crowd behind you. You just always go for it.
If you're down by one at the end of the game, just say fucking go for it. Because you know what this is? This is one of the situations where your team will love you for doing it.
Because there's nothing that a team hates more than you putting your faith in a kicker. Right.
And Gardner Minshew had an awesome drive to get, you know, to, to get within one.

I'm a big believer in your offense is humming.

Why would you take them off the field?

Let them go for two,

let them try to win the game right there.

And God,

Gardner Minshew.

I mean,

he is,

we're going to get to in football guy of the week.

He's swaggy.

Yeah,

he's awesome.

And I'm excited to watch him every single week.

You know why I love Gardner Minshew is because he always looks like somebody that's dressing up as Gardner Minshew for Halloween. Yes.
He's got a costume on. He's got all these different looks about him, and they're all equally swaggy, cool, and weird.
And every single one of them, you could go as slutty Gardner Minshew and pull off a Halloween costume, no problem. Also, his dad, pretty easy on the eyes.
I don't know if you saw him in the stands.

His dad is a diesel.

Good looking guy.

Diesel Dilf.

Big time Dilf.

He had a visor on.

The hair was flowing.

He looked good.

Is it time to ask, does Gardner Minshew have the hottest dad of any NFL player?

What's his name again?

Flint?

Flint.

Flint Minshew.

Well, he changed it to Gardner because his son.

He's Gardner the second.

I also have Leonard Fournette sucks. Yeah, he does, but we already knew that.
Yeah, but now it's official. He sucks.
He approaches the line of scrimmage like Le'Veon Bell with mono. He takes a sweet time in the backfield.
Takes like five steps and then tries to make it a second. He's a guy that's – he will average 2.7 yards per carry every single season until he's out of the league.
He's a Trent Richardson. We're passing the torch.

He's better than that.

No, he's better than that, but in the similar vein of just kind of getting up to the line

and not seeing holes and just getting tackled every single time after two yards.

Maybe he has trypophobia.

He's terrified of seeing holes.

Yeah, he can't see three asymmetrical holes.

I'm going to go with that.

That's what it is.

Before I label him as officially having trypophobia, I want to see some screenshots like we've got with Trent Richardson of like, hey, he should have gone here. This week in, oh my god, the Texans are ruining Deshaun.
I can't believe this. Please get free Deshaun from Bill O'Brien.
Retweet me. Retweet me.
Deshaun Watson has been... It's a good new segment.
It is a good new segment. I mean, I can't stand these people.
They pretend like this is the first time a quarterback's been ruined by a coach. Welcome to the NFL, the National Football League.
Eight straight games, four more sacks. That's a record.
Yikes. Yikes.
It's not great. Yikes.
Yikes. Deshaun Watson gets his ass kicked every single week.
Chiefs Raiders just chill out patrick mahomes it's too

much he's showing everyone up he had four touchdowns in the second quarter ready for this

this were his last five passes in the second quarter 42 yard touchdown pass 32 yard completion

43 yard completion 27 yard touchdown pass 39 yard touchdown pass he threw three touchdowns

Thank you. pass, 32-yard completion, 43-yard completion, 27-yard touchdown pass, 39-yard touchdown pass.
He threw three touchdowns in his last five throws in the second quarter, and he had every single completion over 27 yards. Somebody needs to put together the stats of if Patrick Mahomes was not allowed to play inside the 30-yard line, how many touchdown passes he'd have in his career? It's insane how Andy Reid gets so many people open.
And how many games he would win if he just wasn't allowed to play inside the 30. It's crazy.
He is so goddamn good. And yeah, I mean, he's just, I don't know.
And it was just perfect coincidence that the Bears just can't score touchdowns and Patrick Mahomes had four in one quarter. Why is that a coincidence? It was just a weird coincidence that was happening at the same time.
Let's talk about Derek Carr, actually. Because of where Mitchell was drafted? John Gruden and Derek Carr, that is going to be a messy, messy breakup.
Derek Carr's not good. It's happening.
He's not good. John Gruden's going to have a stroke on the sideline.
And the thing is, you're not going to be able to tell when John Gruden has a stroke because he always does the scowl with one side of his face anyways. Yep.
And so no one's going to know. He probably has already stroked out a couple times.
So Derek Carr is so weird to me because I don't think he's good. But when he is good, he is like a gunslinger.
And you got to let him loose. And it feels like John Gruden is doing the opposite sometimes where he's trying to get Derek Carr to not make mistakes.
I think Derek Carr is the type of guy you just have to tell him, just go do it. And, yeah, there'll be a couple mistakes, but you'll also be able to throw the ball around.
Gunslinger feels like a rebrand that Derek Carr put on himself. Yeah, he probably did.
He probably got that into the media. Yeah, it's not a bad narrative to get out there.
If you suck it off at quarterback, just whisper to a reporter, like, they're calling me the gunslinger now. That's why I throw seven interceptions.
It just feels like he, I mean, that relationship was never going to work. And we all know it's not going to work.
And it's going to be extra awkward when Derek Carr has the house that he's building right next to John Gruden in Las Vegas. Like, way to go, dude.
That's going to be weird. Living in his pool house, probably.
When you go over to John Gruden's house asking for a cup of sugar yeah uh it's it's not good and Derek Carr I feel like he is uh he's got too much pizzazz for John Gruden to fall in love with him as a quarterback yeah like he's a little bit too exciting and that's saying something about how John Gruden likes his quarterbacks he likes his quarterbacks to be just like a blank slate like someone who's either been around the league for long enough that they're just burnt out and hate everything and don't have any passion one way or the other, like your Jake Plummer at the end of his career when he was down in Tampa Bay. That's what he likes, or he likes a rookie that he can mold into having that same person.
Now, he doesn't like Derek Carr because Derek Carr has been established in Oakland before he got there. You know, quote-unquote, the franchise quarterback for the Raiders.
And so it's kind of his house that you're coming into. So John Gruden's going to definitely kick him out of the house.
And it's happening sooner than later. Nathan Peterman's going to play.
Or Mike Glennon. He's going to play as well.
I'm excited for that. I'm excited for the messy, messy breakup.
A quick word to the NFL. Fuck you for the 405 start time.
I can't stand it. I didn't know this game was in Oakland.
Now, a reasonable person would say, hey, Big Cat, you had literally all week. You had actually like six months to know this game was being played in Oakland because there's a schedule.
You can read it. You can do all that.
And I say, fuck you you because i'm always at the four o'clock witching hour time i'm like losing my brain trying to win bets trying to hold on and then trying to put in new bets while the old bets are still being played out and i don't look at those kind of facts so i thought this game was being played in kansas city i said, Kansas city, I won the bet, but I said,

Kansas city minus seven.

That's stealing.

No one goes into arrowhead and beats them.

Yeah. And then boom,

turned on the game.

There's a baseball field and I was confused as hell.

So the seven made a whole lot more sense at that point.

Just make them the same.

Don't give us that one game that you have to be like,

Oh fuck.

I got to rush in and get this bit in.

We're not in Kansas anymore is what you should have said when you're

bullshit.

But yeah,

I agree.

I won,

but bullshit.

I agree.

Just like there should not be a four or five start time.

into it. have to be like oh fuck i gotta rush in and get this bit in we're not in kansas anymore is what you should have said when you're bullshit but yeah i i agree i won but bullshit i agree just like there should not be a 405 start time in general yeah every game should start at 415 yeah it's it's bullshit it's bullshit give me some some some time of uh a bathroom uniformity yeah let me go take a shit after the early games are done because you know you let me put on pants for the first time at 405 there are still three or four games that you bet on for the 1 o'clock games that are completely up in the air.
Give me a second to feed the dog that I forgot to feed his breakfast when I woke up in the morning. I need to breathe.
Yes, give us a brief respite from it. Also, somebody tweeted at me.
I don't know who it was. I lost the tweet, but they had a great idea, which is at the Las Vegas facility for the Ra the raiders at their new stadium that they're building they should have on the field turf a baseball diamond like it not not the actual dirt but the color of it yeah built into the field turf like uh i think the oh i think vanderbilt does that vanderbilt has not dirt but it's i think it's colored field turf all around maybe that maybe i made that.
I could have made that up. I don't know.
Whatever. Oh, no.
The warning track is not dirt. That's what it is.
It feels like a school that would try not to get its players dirty. Right.
Yeah. At all.
Yeah. Go run to Penn State, dude.
That's fine. All your problems.
They'll cover up problems there. Okay.
By the way, doesn't have a dirt warning track kind of defeat the purpose of having a warning track that you can feel underneath your feet that it changes as you're tracking that point of a warning track yeah yeah they don't have a dirt warning track yeah they have a color that's what i'm saying it defeats the point correct i agree okay um let's talk about the bears offense we're gonna get right back to the of my take.

The Bears offense.

Let's talk about it, Big Cat.

They're doing a lot of RPOs.

This is... Now, first of all, we won.
Bears won. One won one and one a win is a win tough to win in this league ugly an ugly win is a win okay winning ugly still counts as winning meltdown avoided the bears are a parody of every bears team that's ever been created and that means the defense is great and the offense just makes you want to cry puke do everything except watch it and it's so fucking frustrating and I don't even know at this point like we go the Bears go back and forth it's one week like week one the Bears don't run the ball Mitch throws it 45 times and you say how is that ever going to work? Then you go this week where Matt Nagy doesn't trust Mitch whatsoever to throw the ball even 10 yards down the field.
And guess what? You can't move the ball when that happens. So you end up with Mitch throwing for 120 yards and running the ball more than you pass it.
Just figure it the fuck out. I don't know what the answer is.
And I know everyone's going to say, well gonna say well Mitch stinks I listen I don't think he stinks I think they need to just figure out a way to win with using the things that he's good at I always think that if you have a dominant defense it actually hurts your offense yeah because your offense gets so like a solo home run being a rally killer exactly you get so self-conscious about yourself you're like oh man they're so good and we're not as good and then you play worse because you don't have the same confidence guess what though you got a kicker we got a kicker eddie pinheiro unbelievable god's plan he doesn't make that kick if it's anywhere but mile high but i don't give a fuck he made it a mile high he made it by 10 yards 53 yarder and the bears are one and one and i think every single game is going to be exactly this yes just a painstakingly awful football game where the defense is fit like roquan smith is a stud eddie jackson is a stud khalil mack is a stud and i know what broncos fans are gonna say the chub uh roughing the passer was bullshit fine if you want to say that that's fine but guess what they called it like that all game because the leonard floyd uh roughing or whatever the i don't even know what the call was. He had one that was equally as shitty.
Landed on the guy. Yeah.
So they were calling a shitty game. And guess what? We ended up with the better call at the end.
You can't really blame it. Like it was pretty even, evenly poor officiating throughout.
Yeah. It was consistent.
And Dick Stockton and Mark Schlereth were getting so pissed off up in the booth. Well, Mark Schlereth wants to fight Garrett Bowles.
He wants to fight. He wants to go down there and fight him because he wants to be like, you don't know how to play this position.
I want to fight you. He wants to fight him.
He also wants to fight Roger Goodell. He wants to fight everybody.
Him and Dick Stockton were basically standing on top of each other in the booth. They were so close side by side, their nipples were touching.
I don't know if you saw that. They had their arms around each other the whole time just lamenting about how this great game is going to shit and it was uh yeah the the officiating did kind of suck especially on those two calls one of them I thought the the one against the Broncos was worse though because it was as Mitch was in the act of passing and he kind of landed on him no Leonard Floyd call was bullshit uh Garrett Bowles was so bad that they showed there was a holding on the Broncos and they just put Garrett Bowles on camera and they're like actually was on a different guy and then Schlereth was said well they should it was on a different guy but Garrett Bowles held to.
He also held he was also holding you can call it on every play though Mark. You know he got Khalil Mack ate his fucking lunch and I'll ready.
I'll say something nice about Joe Flacco. He won the game.
he stinks but he had a nice drive at the end when the bears were completely gassed and they used uh the whole altitude thing as a cheat which was real but then you use it as a cheat on your kick that's true so it goes both altitude goes both ways even though it literally just goes up but yeah it was with flacco he's never been excited in his life he's never been upset in his entire life he's just kind of always there. Joe Flacco, he's never been excited in his life.
He's never been upset in his entire life. He's just kind of always there.
Joe Flacco is the league leader in being there. He's around.
At all times. He's always hanging out.
You know that you can count on him to put together one good drive a game. But there's nothing that he loves more in this world than throwing a ball into the flat.
Yeah. Joe Flacco is a fetish.
And for three yard out not well it's third and 17 he sees a guy in the flat it's like verbal meme joe flacco is the boyfriend and uh they're the girl next to him that's his girlfriend is completing a pass more than 12 yards downfield on third and long and then the girl that's walking by is uh inaccurate dump off pass to the flat. He fucking loves it.
And he's not, you're right. You'd think that he would be better at it for something that he loves so much, but he's not, that's his fetish.
Some guys love feet. Some guys love leather.
He likes throwing a ball to his tight end that will get tackled for a gain of two yards. It is true.
He is always around in like the greater NFL narrative season to season.

He's,

he's like your fifth friend that you don't really want to hang out with,

but you know that if you have to find someone to go out with,

you can always text him.

He'd be like,

yeah,

I'm in.

Yeah.

I got nothing.

I never have anything going on.

I appreciate you calling me.

Yeah.

Text your first four friends that you actually like.

And then the fifth one comes up.

You're like,

yeah.

All right.

Well,

yeah,

I guess we'll go out with Joe tonight.

Let's do it. His dad's rich.
Yeah. fuck it.
Also, my other note is Vic Fangio had an all-time outfit on the sidelines. The same one as last week.
The belt gets higher and higher. He looks like Paul Chris' stepdad.
You can't win like that. He's so fucking boring.
You cannot win like that, Vic. You've got to change your look.
I know you don't think it matters but it does uh yeah so the Bears it was a win that was uh exciting but also left me being like we're kind of fucked because I don't know how we're gonna keep winning games like this when we play like the Broncos aren't good and the Bears barely beat them good news for you you know who you have next week. The Redskins.
Exactly. Slaughter.

Back to my house.

What was the Andy Bernard?

Hit the tizown.

Oh, beers. Wings, beers.

Back to my house.

Quick nap.

Boot.

Rally.

Yeah.

Take a quick nap before Monday Night Football.

We'll do a mayor's bet on this game, but I have zero confidence.

Congratulations on being 2-1.

Oof. Feels good.
Okay, last game before we get to who's back and some football guy of the week. Saints Rams.
Drew Brees is hurt. And he's hurt bad.
And he's going to be out for a while. I think he's going to miss half the season.
Ooh. Yeah.
Eight weeks. Thumb.
Thumb is not good. Thumb is not good.
It seemed like it was similar to what Jay Cutler had a few years ago Diabetes? Nope Thumb, there you go, making fun of diabetes That's what he had He's going to have to have thumb surgery I don't think we're going to see Drew Brees for many weeks And if we do see him and he guts it out And he's like, I'm just going to play He's going to be bad You can't grip a ball like that So he basically got hurt giving a high five at high speed to Aaron Donald, right? Who also got hurt. Who also got hurt later on.
Yeah, so now Teddy came in, and Teddy's one of those guys where you want him to play well because you want to get that whole stink of him getting hurt and the Vikings puking on the practice field and Kyle Rudolph crying. All that behind them.
Put all that behind them, and I want Teddy to be back and be a good quarterback because he seems like a nice guy and he seemed like he was on the verge of being good when he got hurt but when I watch him play it's like watching the Walinda brothers do the the tightrope thing yeah where I'm watching and I'm excited but in the back of my mind I'm just I'm thinking that the worst might happen yes every single at all times also sucks to be Taysom Hill because essentially you are Sean Payton's Guma. And you keep saying, hey, when are you going to divorce your wife and settle down with me? And guess what? He's not.
He's not going to do it. He's not going to.
You are still going to be his Guma. Taysom Hill is a slam piece.
Yeah, you are the Friday nights for Guma. Nothing less.
Yeah. Know what you are and be happy with it.
He must be upset. He must be like pretty pissed off about this whole situation.
And Sean Payton has definitely been saying in conversations behind closed doors, like, Taysom, I love you more than I love Drew. Someday we're going to get a place together.
We're going to run away. I'm going to get this marriage annulled with Drew, and we're going to get married, and we're going to make this official, and we'll have kids and everything.
And then this happens. He's like, what happened? Yeah.
Oh, I'm your guma. Okay.
I know where we are. I know where I stand, right? Yeah.
He's the guy you fuck. He's not the guy you marry.
Yeah. So sorry, Tazem.
The ref screwed the Saints. Sorry.
He's the guy you soak. Yes.
He's not the guy you married. Yeah.
The ref screwed the Saints again. Yep.
So that's fun that we get to do that again. My favorite move that Sean Payton did was he tries.
He does this a lot. He'll throw a challenge flag on a play that he can't challenge just to make the refs watch more replays.
And yell at them a little. Of the play that they fucked up.
Yes. It's a great move.
It is. Just get like a little extra like five to ten minutes of berating an official to their face.
Why do they blow it dead? Just never blow it dead. Don't know.
They're tired. Let them play.
They're tired. They just want to break.
Yeah, so the Rams gutted out. No, they actually kind of dominated, but I don't know how you judge this game without Drew Brees.
So, I don't know. I mean, Drew Brees is going to be hurt.
This might be – we said that before the season. This might be the end for a few of these quarterbacks.
It feels like the end for Eli. Well, Eli might you said big ben drew breeze and eli who's the safest eli probably he's the healthiest yeah because he always goes self-sacks himself i was asking hank this earlier hank uh between the the fan bases the patriots and the saints those are probably the two ones that have like the biggest gripes the biggest rivalry against against Commissioner Goodell in the NFL.
Who would you say is Goodell's biggest rival? I think the Saints are because the Patriots fans, I was lucky enough to be there twice, have been there as Goodell has had to hand them the Lombardi trophy and they get to boo him, which kind of gives them dominance over Goodell. The Saints haven't had that come to Jesus moment.
They haven't got to laugh in his face and rub it in his face. So they're the ones with the fire in their belly.
They're the ones that are still like they have something to fight for. It's not a rivalry if it's one-sided is what you're saying.
Right, right. So until Roger Goodell suspends Antonio Brown and the Patriots for signing him and Robert Mr.
Kraft for getting hand jobs.

Then at that point,

you'll still have the domination over him of being like,

what are you three and one against Goodell?

Something like that.

Two and O since,

I mean,

deflate gate deflate gate two and O since I'm going to, I'm going to get,

yeah,

I'm going to,

okay.

So two and one since deflate gate.

So yeah,

you guys are dominating.

The saints are basically Goodell's whipping boy.

Yes.

Whenever Goodell needs to flex his authoritarian muscles, he calls in a favor to the refs against the saints just make sure he fucks up he gets off on it um okay let's do who's back pft before we do that we're gonna get right back to the show high five casino is the top choice for social casino gaming that's free to play with chances to win and redeem for real cash prizes free spin rewards rewards, and tons of exclusive games, you can experience more high-five moments than ever before. You're going to want to high-five everyone.
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Terms and conditions apply. All right, back to part of my take.
All right, let's do who's back of the week. Seeky question.
Promo code take. Put in Seeky question.
18 and take. 18 and 0.
No, he said 18 and 1 because they're going to lose the Super Bowl again. That's what he said.
He predicted that. Oh, 19.
No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, you said 18 and one.

They're going to have one regular season loss

and win the Super Bowl. Did Hank just curse the Patriots?

He did. He said they're going to go 18 and one.

Seeky question, promo code

take. You get $10 off.
Yeah, they could lose

a regular season game and then go 18 and one.

Promo code take. Hank, my

Seeky question is, who or

whomst is back?

My who's back of the week is

former recurring guest Ash Ketchum.

Who? Ash Ketchum.

Thank you. question is who or whomst is back uh my who's back of the week is former recurring guest ash ketchum who ash ketchum pokemon legend wait we had him no i'm just kidding he wasn't a recurring guest i would love to have been doing the show for so long that you could have definitely convinced us uh but i'm sure you guys saw the news but he won his first pokemon championship after 22 years trying to catch is over.
Trying to be the very best that no one ever was. Steve Young, monkey off the back.
Chicago Cubs. He really was.
Curse of the Goat. There you go.
He won the Aloha Cup. First place champion.
Pikachu was on his back. I mean, honestly, it's one of those things where he's been going at it for so long.
I was such a kid when he got in the league. For him to finally win one's huge.
I can't wait for the E60 on that. Tom Rinaldi.
What is Ash Ketchum? Ash Ketchum. Sounds like a country singer that uses auto-tune way too much.
Because they're trying to catch Pokemon. Ash Ketchum.
Ash. Ash Ketchum.
Ash Ketchum. Ash Ketchum.
A.K.A. Hunts.
He's a Pokemon champion. Okay.
That's good. So he won using the Pikachu card? Well, Pikachu's his boy, his right-hand man.
Well, of course, because isn't Pikachu the best? Yeah. No, no, no.
Well, Pikachu is like the show, you know, Ash Ketchum and Pikachu. They're buddy-buddy.
Okay, got it. But if you're looking at the PPR player rankings, Pikachu's not up there.
Oh, why? Has Pikachu fallen off? No, he's just like a glue guy. He's Ash's glue guy.
He's a utility guy. Okay, gotcha.

So the best cards are Black Lotus,

then Pikachu.

Mootoo.

I'm so fucking lost. Bulbasaur.

Or no, Squirtle the Turtle?

The Africa with the Squirtle.

Squirtle's like the lowest ranking.

It can evolve three times.

Squirtle the Turtle was so cute. Blastoid.

It goes Squirtle, then

Bulbasaur, I think, then Blastoid.

We're going to be right back. Squirtle's like the lowest ranking.
It can evolve three times. Charmander.
That Squirtle the Turtle was so cute. Blastoid.
It goes Squirtle, then Bulbasaur, I think, then Blastoid. Where did Cassius Marsh finish in this tournament? That's Magic the Gathering.
Different tournament. My other who's back in the week is...
Same thing. They should just do the same thing.
The Bulls are back in the news because if you flip their logo upside down, it looks like a robot fucking a crab. Yes.
So there's some positive news for Chicago. Wait, their logo looks like a robot.
Hey, the Bears are one-on-one, asshole. If you take the Bulls logo and flip it upside down, it looks like a robot banging a crab.
Yeah, this goes viral like every five years. It does look like it.
A robot fucking a crab is basically what Jason Witten did to the Redskins this weekend in Maryland. Fun fact.
You ready for this fun fact? The Chicago Bulls are the only team in NBA to never change their logo. That's really fun.
That's a fun fact. Great.
Maybe they should. They've never had a difference.
No, there's iterations of the logo. They've never changed it.
That is fun. Yeah, it's fun, right? Yeah.
Yeah. Things that were cool back in 1960.
Said it was a fun fact. Great today.
Fun fact. Fun fact.
It's called history. PFT, you're whom's's Back.
My Who's Back of the Week is Tim Tebow. Oh, yeah.
Fuck, I forgot about this. So Tim Tebow, I think he set all-time records for me in Who's Back.
He's been back probably like 70 times in the history of part of my take. Bad Take Tim.
Bad Take Tim was back on Friday. He was on First Take or maybe Get Up with Greening, one of those shows.
And he was talking about the NCAA, and he was saying basically that the NCAA, our players shouldn't want to get paid. They should want to be there so that they can provide joy to the university and joy to a fan base, and there's too much greed in this world already.
And so paying the players would add to that already preexisting condition of people wanting to get paid. Does Tim Tebow realize that not every player actually, in fact, I would say 99.999999999% of NCAA football players do not win a national championship as the quarterback and become like the darling for an entire state and basically have money forever because of that if tim if tim tebow drank he would never have to buy another beer in florida it's insane that he can't for one second be like hey maybe it's not sweet for everyone else and did you see revelle got him or what'd he say he got him good tim tebow in his famous speech, like his promise speech.
Who do you think? Yeah. Who's had less sex? Tim Tebow or Dan Ravel? Who? Because you have to imagine that.
Do we count Ravel like every time he's had sex with his wife? I think he's only had sex. Does that count once? You can only count by children because I think he only bangs to procreate.
Yeah. Anything else is a waste of time.
And he has twins. That can be put into his brand.
So, yeah twins so yeah that's just having sex twice real fast yeah um so tim tebow on his famous promise speech was actually wearing uh his logo that he was then gonna make money off of as soon as he graduated from florida so he was already like planning branding himself to brand himself and make money off of himself, which goes completely hypocritical to what his whole point is. Like you got to play for the team and just love it and love and being proud.
Dude, Tim Tebow's thought process on that was essentially like 1930. Yeah.
It was insane. Listen, when Tim Tebow played at Florida, he had a team full of selfless players around him like Cam Newton, Percy Harvin, Aaron Hernandez, and Riley Cooper.

Okay?

So while they were there, they were focused on one thing, and that's football, and that's

making the fans happy.

Although I do kind of acknowledge one part of this, which is if you're a fan, if you're

a diehard Florida fan, there's probably part of it that sounds kind of cool for one of your players to have as much at stake in the team as you put into it. That's just because Tim Tebow's a fucking weirdo.
This guy would play for free. And you're a sucker if you say, like, I would willingly not take money if it's being offered to play.
By the way, can we imagine what a recruiting trip must have been like for Urban Meyer to be visiting Tim Tebow? And like Urban leaves the house and 30 minutes later, Tim Tebow is like, oh, hey, Coach Meyer. Oh, yeah.
You left a briefcase with $30,000 and you left your briefcase here. I wanted to make sure that you got it back before you got on the plane.
Dude, the NCAA conversation sucks because it's essentially either people saying that college athletes is like indentured servitude, which it's not. Or people saying there is not enough money when there clearly is.
Just figure it the fuck out. Yeah, figure it out.
It's one of these things. There's more than enough money.
And it also is pretty. It's a pretty good deal right now.
If you get to, you know, being a a D1 athlete is probably sweet for other things, but they should probably get paid a little, too. If you say they do get paid because they get free tuition, all that stuff.
His kid took a trip to Italy. That's right, yeah.
Well, then just pay him a little bit more. I'm just going to get mad at me about that.
All right, my who's back. Unless you play for Tennessee because you're a volunteer there.
Yes. That's in the title.
That's uh kind of a kind of uh related my who's back I have two of them my who's back is

urban meyer because urban meyer said he misses football oh you think that actually could just

be that because he's definitely going to coach uh so shout out all the people who said that he

actually was retiring for real this time you're an idiot uh and then my other who's back is

forgetting that baseball's on on Sundays in September yeah September is like total no man's

Thank you. this time you're an idiot uh and then my other who's back is forgetting that baseball's on on Sundays in September yeah September is like total no man's land for and I watch probably 85 percent of Cubs games but when Rizzo sprained his ankle today I even was like fuck I forgot is he okay playing right now because he looked like he died yeah I know that picture was it was not funny but it was funny high ankle sprain it was yeah that mean, the Cubs are snakebitten this year, but it is one of those things where you forget.
It's Sundays. Every other day.
I know like Cubs are playing everything like that. Sundays in the fall when NFL is going on, you just kind of forget that baseball is happening.
October comes back because no one forgets playoff baseball. But September, like there's just think about that.
There's just like like 15 16 other sports games playing while nfl's going on they should do something to try to stand out they should like do color rush on sunday should end the season september 1st well they tried to do color rush and they just they even that's how that's how bad mlb is they fucked up color rush yeah their color rush was taking away all the colors yeah yeah very stupid mlb um okay so let's go to our segments, including football guy of the week. PFT, you got a couple of things for us.
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These segments are also going to be brought to you by Peloton. I've got a Peloton bike in my living room.
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That's a brand new promo code take. It's code my take to get started with a hundred bucks off accessories when you purchase the bike at one peloton.com okay let's do some segments first up we got football guy of the week so our nominees are will muschamp okay coach of south carolina who after at halftime against Alabama was asked about a challenge flag or some controversial play.
And he told the sideline reporter, I'm not going to comment on that. I'll get fired for the rest of my life if I comment on that, which in itself is the comment on that.
And it's a crafty football guy move saying, wait, was it fined? He said, yeah, I'll get fined. I'll get fine for sorry fine for the rest of my life by comment on that.
And it's a crafty football guy move. Saying, wait, was it fined? He said, yeah, I'll get fined.
I'll get fined. Sorry, fined for the rest of my life if I comment on that.
Okay. Yeah, no, that's a great way.
It's like I'm not touching you. It's that old game.
Yeah, essentially. I'm not going to talk about it.
But here, I'm so mad about it because it was so bad that I would be fined for the rest of my life if I talk about it. Here's a list of all the things that I'm not going to say, and I'll start with the most egregious violation that I'm not going to comment on.
If I were to say the refs are absolute buffoons and totally fucked us over, I could say that, but I'd be then fine. So I'm not going to say it.
I'm absolutely not going to say it. He strikes me as a guy that has his bedroom at home.
He just writes on it with all the things, all his grievances are just scrawled in Sharpie across every wall of his house. Well, we've said it before.
He looks like a sweaty dog. No matter what he's doing, he is just sweaty and just a mess.
And just always turning bright red at weird times. His collars.
He wears golf shirts, but his collars get so fucked up that they're like, you know, when someone really wears a golf shirt and you take the couple buttons down and then the collars are so far apart. Like, how did that happen, dude? He's got bacon neck on his polo shirt.
Did you fight your shirt trying to put it on this morning? He probably does. You got to start your day off with a little competition.
What I see him doing is like almost doing the Hulk every single time he gets pissed off. So he grabs and he starts to rip, but then he hears like wife's voice in the back of his head like, Will, don't tear your shirts.
He's like, oh yeah, I promised her I wouldn't. All right, next up we have Bill Belichick who said, if you don't let them score, you can't lose.
That's a fact. That is a fact.
That's some analysis for all the people at home. If you want to win games, don't let them score.
That's going to be Big Ben's new take next week. Yeah.
that's just as smart as saying half the wait can we check did half the teams lose this week half the teams did lose this week not yet because we haven't had money on football correct uh gardner minshu just for being gardner minshu he was looking unbelievable getting off the plane he did his uh stretches in his thong beforehand confirmed in an nfl locker room jockstrap jo Jockstrap. So, yeah, Gardner Minshew, just being Gardner Minshew, gets him on Football Guy of the Week.
And then last one, Andrew Yang, who is running for president, correct? Yes. And he said, why would the Democrats have a Democrat debate on a night where there's football? Because aren't – what did he say? Football watch football too yeah which is a fact fact yeah and you I mean I would say that it's probably better to do it then because then like you can't no one can say hey you're an idiot or no one can watch while Joe Biden's teeth fall out of his mouth right so there's a lot there's a lot to be gained by uh burying yourself underneath a football broadcast because you're going to lose the presidency in this debate, or you're not going to win the presidency in a Thursday night debate, but you can definitely lose it if enough people are watching it.
And so, yeah, if you've got pink eye, if you've been eating ass, or you had your lower dentures fall out into your wife's butthole, then it would be a bad thing for people to see you on live TV. Andrew Yang is a football guy, though.

Yep.

I think he's got the turnover chain except for taking your guns.

Yep.

And a huge SNL fan.

A big SNL guy.

He's a big universal basic income guy, too.

Oh, I don't know what that means.

So it's like a salary cap for America.

So everybody gets $1,000 a month.

Oh, fuck yeah.

When I interviewed him, I told him, like, if you gave me $1,000 a month, I would spend it on the most ridiculous shit. I'd hand it to my book.
Exactly. I would, I would just sport.
I would bet a lot more on sports and I would buy multiple sea dues. Yes.
It would be great. Um, if it was, what if universal basic income, if you meant like, like basic bitches, like every month, I'm going to get, everyone gets pumpkin spice lattes and And boots.
And boots. All right, so vote for Football Guy of the Week.
We'll try to get them on. We're going to put up the poll tomorrow, so vote for it.
Next up, actually, I have Breaking Moves. Breaking Moves.
I'm losing the high rep. Breaking Moves.
I think I'm finally becoming a man. The lines have been released for week three.
13 and a half. Guess that line.
We should actually do that. Guess that line.
That's a good idea for a second. We'll do that.
Write that down. We should do that for a whole show.
Okay. You got any relatives we could do with? Guess that line, Nuke.
Any cousins? No, actually, shout out to those guys. They're good.
Yeah. I actually love Sal.
And Bill. All right.
Whoa and Bill alright well I mean love's actually a strong word I respect him I mean he is the godfather of like podcasting I don't know why we got down this road alright anyway guess that line for Dallas Miami it's so weird when you finish on my face, J.K. 13 and a half.
Dallas, Miami?

Yeah.

16 and a half.

20 and a half.

I told you, the Dolphins are going to break records.

I'm going to take the Dolphins. The Dolphins are going to break records this year with how ridiculous those lines become.

Hell yeah.

Fins up.

Fins up.

There we go.

That's win number one against the spread on the season.

The Patriots and Jets, Hank?

That's honestly disrespectful to the Patriots.

The Patriots and Jets? There you go, Hank. Yeah, that is.
Do your pod. Get the season.
The Patriots and Jets, Hank? That's honestly disrespectful to the Patriots. The Patriots and Jets?

There you go, Hank.

Yeah, that is.

Do your pod.

Get it, Hank.

Patriots and Jets.

13 and a half.

At Jets.

Patriots at Jets.

10 and a half.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Sorry, it's in New England.

Ooh.

We are literally doing this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

15 and a half.

I agree with Hank.

17 and a half.

Okay. You want to do any others? No, Hank, you're right.
That is disrespectful. That's crazy.
Add fuel to the fire. Bears minus six and a half at Washington.
Yeah, there you go. That seems about right.
That breaking moves is brought to you by Chocomoke for your recovery. That tastes real good.
All right. Let's do a respect to biz for the Washington Redskins because they have the worst press box in the world.
As Ed Werder pointed out, amongst several other correspondents that were in D.C. for this game, it's stuck in a corner and it's obstructed.
It's underneath an awning. So Snyder, you should be thankful that Snyder gives that seat to you for free because Snyder usually makes you pay $80 to $100 to sit behind a cement pillar.
Which, by the way, those obstructed view seats should actually be going for more than the seats where you can get a clear view of the Redskins sucking ass every week. Yeah, it's true.
He's doing you a favor. He is.
That's actually an amenity at FedEx Field. Yeah, you don't have to see what's going on.
They should just give you a seat where you get punched in the face until you black out and don't get to watch any of the game and you forget that it even happened and then somebody steals all your clothes off you so you don't look like a loser wearing Redskins gear. Just shut up and light your Diet Coke.
It's free. Probably not actually.
It's probably not. It's probably not.
Well it is but it's just expired by 10 years. Okay let's finish up with our Monday reading.
This one is from the New York Post and it is called what it's like to be married to a complete psycho Skip Bayless. And it's by Ernestine Bayless.
That's right. She's written a book.
We are members of the Earnhive on this show. Here's a crazy thing.
They look alike. Yeah.
Yeah. It's very bizarre.
I needed her to be like look much more like an old bag. Like I was hoping it was going to be like...
No, she's attractive. She's attractive.
But she looks like Skip Bayless. In a way that she...
Yeah, as attractive as Skip Bayless could be... As a woman.
As a woman, that's Ernestine. Yeah.
I love it because Skip saw her and it was like, I don't know what it is about this woman, but I'm absolutely drawn to her. Yes.
And it was because she looks just like him so so there's a little backstory they they do a little flex where it's like uh what bayless is describing is how he watches games and he and his wife's 5 000 square foot condo that has three rooms seven tvs uh cool flex but anyway so we're gonna get to the good stuff here so when skip met ernestine 14 years ago this is where we pick up that's it yeah and they actually were engaged they they dated for 11 years and then got married three years ago they've only been yeah yeah you think are young lovers you think ernestine you think that they've been married for 63 years yes and skips only like 65 uh okay so she so when they met and they were like courting each other this sounds very romantic skip said i told her i'm married to my job i always have been and i had this weird feeling this could go somewhere i told her if it ever does you'll always be a or one a to my job she hates me telling that story but it's the god truth. At least I divulged myself up front, which I think she grudgingly appreciated.
Cool. Like I said, love is not dead.
No, I like skip in earnest. I like that.
At least he was being honest. I mean, if you're getting into a relationship with skip Bayless, there's probably a lot of things you need to know ahead of time, but you definitely need to know that at any given moment, skip might just flip out and start ranting about LeBron James, Kawhi Leonard, Tim Tebow.
Yeah. All right.
So for this story, she emailed the post to promote her new quick read book titled Balls, How to Keep Your Relationship Alive When You Live with a Sports Obsessed Guy. This is a parody book title.
I love it. Balls.
We got to get Ernestine on the show. Balls.
3.5. Balls.
I can't believe she beat Mike Greenberg's wife to this. 1.8 balls.
That's the upset of the century, isn't it? Yeah. This should be written by Mike Greenberg's wife.
Well, I don't think that she would use balls as a title. She would have like testes.
Yeah. No.
Tookuses. Tookuses.
The thing around the other side of the took us yeah uh scrotum took us all right so she ernestine says uh we don't have a moderator who lives in the house hilarious get it it's like they always moderate on the you know um she says they do not argue all the time but she also fits her life around his games in his 2 a.m weekday wake-up calls though they sleep in separate rooms during the week his treadmill workouts can be heard from her bed she wrestles to fall back asleep but always rises a little before four to see skip to the door and wish him luck in his verbal tv battles with shannon sharp that this is really truly romantic she makes sure their afternoons are set up so Skip does not miss anything in sports. Sports in his veins, Ernestine said.
If you cut him, little footballs and basketballs will come out. That's pretty sweet.
Skip is a sports guy. Skip doesn't miss a game.
Skip sounds like this. It's like a children's book.
I feel like Skip wrote this. Meet Skip.
He loves sports. Yeah, I think Skip wrote this paragraph.
And this is the most endearing version of Skip. I like that they sleep in different beds during the week.
During the week. Meaning on weekends, it's fucking.
It's like your long-distance girlfriend in college visits. We're talking like some walls are getting blown out.
Think about that for a second. If it's a weekend, Skip Bills is fucking Ernestine.
Yeah. Is it Friday? Is it Friday? Is it Friday past five o'clock on the West Coast? Because right now, Skip is balls deep.
Balls. Balls.
And one of Ernestine's various orifices. Balls.
Or crevices. Yeah.
Good for them. Yeah.
It sounds like they have a relationship that seems unconventional. Yep.
But it works for them. There's probably a lot of times when they're trying to fuck.
Maybe if this is like round eight or nine on the weekend. She's like, what's the matter, Skip? You can't get it up.
And he's like, it's just a damn Mason Crosby field goal. God damn it, Mason Crosby.
It shouldn't have gone in. It started out going to the left and then turned to the right.
All right. So when they started dating, Ernestine's mother, Evelyn, told, are these people just all named like from the 19th century?

Ernestine and Evelyn told her she had to make a decision about these games.

Is he worth it?

She said she decided yes.

14 years later, she wrote the book to try to help others deal with significant others who are addicted to sports or as Skip puts it a bit nuts about games i lose it said skip i'm a psycho i vent i say words that i can't repeat that i'm ashamed i say gosh darn it gosh darn it kawaii's good yeah this lebron guy is not that bad uh but it's jinxes where skip is completely psycho in his words everything has to be just right because he evidently has cosmic powers. I believe in God, but I also believe in jinxes, said Bayless, answering a question that did not include God in it.
That's such a good, Andrew Marchand is so good at this. He's like a little subtle dig.
It turns out last year during the AFC Championship game when Tom Brady was intercepted in the end zone by the Chiefs, Reggie Ragland, it was caused by Ernestine ruining Skip's Zen. Brady did that because she stuck her head in to ask me about something that was completely irrelevant, Skip said of Ernestine asking about a letter he had received.
This is crazy that all of, like, think about this, Hank. Brady's GOAT status is literally all because of Skip Bayless.
Yeah. The guy behind the guy.
It's because, yeah, whenever Tom Brady's playing well, it means that Ernestine is far away from Skip. Yeah, that Ernestine's staying in her bedroom where she belongs.
Yeah. There are at least two doors in between myself and Ernestine when Tom Brady's playing.
Her fuse can be shorter than mine, and we had a battle all night long. We kissed and made up.
I'm going to add this and went to their separate bedrooms we kissed and made up at the end of the night I said I'm sorry but it is just a jinx rule that you have to honor this this is truly psychotic do you think skip in the middle of the night feels a little bit Randy sometimes makes walk tiptoes down the hallway and knocks on Ernestine's door right before his treadmill workout. Yeah.
Uh, they usually honor Friday nights as date night, unless there was a particularly big game. It's all about compromise.
Ernestine said, I don't think it. Yeah, I guess.
I mean, it sounds like a lot of compromising coming from you, both people, uh, both agreed to compromise with skip. We both agreed to, yeah, sleep in different bedrooms.

She has learned to make it work,

which is the point of her book.

She has the greatest thing.

She's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, Skip said.

I get emotional about it

because she's so real, so true, and so loyal.

I don't know anyone who could put up with me,

but she has from day one.

We're not just good together.

We are great together.

Damn.

That's so sweet.

Love, baby.

That's so sweet.

Love.

And I love how this is like

a story about Ernestine's book,

and she's quoted like three times,

and it's just all Skip Bayless

Let's go. Damn.
That's so sweet. That's so sweet.
Love. And I love how this is like a story about Ernestine's book,

and she's quoted like three times,

and it's just all Skip Bayless's quotes.

Well, they know the sizzle.

They agree that Skip would do the interview for Ernestine. Yeah, they compromised and said that Skip would give all the quotes for this one.

I think, a little theory I'm throwing out there,

Skip has a second family with Stephen A. Smith during the week.

Yeah.

That's why he makes her stay away from him and sleep in a separate bedroom i also like that we have like a whole story a whole book that was written to explain why skip bayless is a psychopath it's like we didn't need the book we knew uh-huh we looked at his twitter although in skip bayless's mind this does this book serves to humanize him a little bit that's true it's like anyone it does give me hope if skip bayless can find love anyone can find that's true that's true a man who if you cut him balls will fall balls pop out yeah just balls everywhere it's like it's like uh opening up a bag at gym class in third grade balls everywhere yeah god bless him yeah okay i would watch a Skip Bayless sex tape, though. Oh, for sure.

Let's be honest.

They both are in very good shape.

Yeah.

Watching those two?

That's like one, the first thing you would want for watching a sex tape.

They should absolutely do one where he's on the couch watching a game and she pokes her head in.

He's like, not now.

Tom Brady's playing.

My cowboys are trailing in the fourth quarter.

Yeah.

And she does a little striptease. The sex tape doesn't actually involve fourth quarter.
Yeah. And she like does a little strip tease.

The sex tape doesn't actually involve any sex at all.

It's just her trying to initiate sex, getting naked and skip Bayless, ignoring her.

And then her going back into a room with an eight by 10 of Stephen Smith.

All right.

That's our show.

We'll see everyone Wednesday.

Huge guest.

Bigger than Gronk.

Very big.

Yeah.

Love you guys.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Bye. Yeah.
Love you guys. Bye.
I'll be coming for your love of dreams Come on me Dream on me Dream on me Dream on me Dream on me I'll set me let you see. I'm all set in spunky.

It's all a little way.

I'm slowly learning the life is okay.

Say after me.

I feel better to be safe inside.

I feel better to be safe inside.

I feel better to be safe inside.