NFL Week 2 Recap, Fastest 2 Minutes, And An Ernestine Bayless Monday Reading

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Speaker 1 On today's part in my Take NFL week two, we do the fastest two minutes. We recap the entire league.
No guest Mondays. We're doing it again, backed by popular demand.

Speaker 1 Everyone seemed to like it, so we're going to touch on every single game. We also have a Monday reading, a very special Monday reading, and Football Guy of the Week.

Speaker 4 When cool, creamy ranch meets tangy, bold buffalo, the whole is greater than the sum of its sauce. Say howdy, partner, to new Buffalo Ranch Sauce only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Speaker 4 No place behind a washing,

Speaker 4 and then I can't pay all on the sun. Oh, no, we're gonna rock down to Eli.
Trick high value.

Speaker 4 And then we'll take it higher.

Speaker 4 Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric.

Speaker 1 It's Pardon My Tape presented by Bar School Scout.

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A true win-win. Today is Monday, September 16th,

Speaker 1 week two.

Speaker 1 Whoop! Whoop!

Speaker 1 It's good to be back, Teach.

Speaker 1 Behind a paywall, boom, just like we always hoped.

Speaker 1 We start in Diarrhea, Chili Town, where the 49ers faced off against the NFL League leader in passing, Andy Dalton. Huh? Joe mixed in a water looked hungover Sunday, averaging 1.5 yards a rush.

Speaker 1 Was it Friday? Because Debo Samuel showed up and stole the show. Jimmy Garoppolo feasted all over Cincinnati like it was a San Jannaro.

Speaker 1 Hey, boom, who put all this spaghetti in my cinnamon and my chili? I think I got to the diarrhea. When the moon hits your eye like a big spiral pie, that's amazing.

Speaker 1 George Skittle tasted the rainbow and the 49ers looked like I did back in the 80s when a young schwam was at Candlestick Park watching the catch. Oh, how time passes by.
Niners 41. Bengals 17.

Speaker 1 Whoop, whoop!

Speaker 1 Tick tick.

Speaker 1 In the motor city we go where the San Diego Superchargers squared off with the Detroit Lions in an old school slug fast. Matt, break me home tonight, had two tickets to paradise that he missed.

Speaker 1 Whoop, whoop! But the Lions offer game a fourth quarter deficit and were Eddie Money down the stretch. Speaking of Eddie Money, my good friend.

Speaker 1 From, from, from, not now, Tege, my good friend Eddie Money, gone too soon, once said, baby, hold on to me. Whatever will be, will be.
So eloquent, boom. Line 13, charge us 10.

Speaker 1 Hey, good, go. Oh, no, way.

Speaker 1 In H-Town, where it was Gardner, it's reigning menshu, hallelujah, as the Jaguars had a ferocious fourth quarter comeback and Doug Marone said, Utah, give me two, but couldn't get a point break.

Speaker 1 Jalen Mason Ramsey told Doug Marone, if you ain't got no giddy up, then giddy out my way as the two exchanged words on the sideline. What's that? Lil Nas X diddy? All the kids sing boom?

Speaker 1 Houston's got all the horses in the back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back, back. Texans 13, Jaguars 12.

Speaker 1 To the frozen tundra where two NFC Norse juggernauts face off and Aaron Rodgers once again treats his cousins like shit. Pardon my French, but Matt LaFleur, huh, huh?

Speaker 1 Absolutely skull fucked the Vikings so hard it looks like Mike Zimmer is gonna have to put that eye patch on.

Speaker 1 Skull!

Speaker 1 Devontae Adam Sandler left everyone happy in Madison as big daddy Aaron Rodgers is finally acting like a grown-up instead of a boner dog as his new French coach looks on and says, oh,

Speaker 1 oh, oh, they honored the great Bart Star at Lamo Sunday. I remember when a young swam wasn't getting honoring Bart Star.
Oh, how time passes. Packers 21, Vikings 15.

Speaker 1 Hi, I'm the Colts, and I have DirecTV, and I'm the Titans, and I have Rabel.

Speaker 1 It doesn't look like Mike Rabel will be cutting the cord on his penis anytime soon after the Titans coughed up a late lead in Nash Vegas on Sunday.

Speaker 1 Jacoby Brisket burnt the tight ends and left them chafed like a dry rub. And the ageless wonder Adam Vinatieri adds to his Hall of Fame career with an extra point.

Speaker 1 This guy's never never going to retire. Colts 19, Titans 17.
Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!

Speaker 1 This is what the fishermen of Taiji in Japan don't want you to see.

Speaker 1 One of the world's most intelligent animals. gasping for life as its hunters watch on.

Speaker 1 For more than two minutes, this dolphin struggles to stay afloat. Finally, distressed and exhausted, it can take no more.

Speaker 1 It gives one last thrash of its tail before its captors drag it away to be slaughtered.

Speaker 1 Patriots 23 Dolphin Zero, in Washington, home of the Russian Bots, where Prescott was decking the USSR, you don't know how lucky you are, Cowboys.

Speaker 1 Jason Wenton defies the odds of Blake Jarwinism as he proves yet again in survival of the winnest for the tight end.

Speaker 1 Adrian Peterson, who has a healthy scratch last week and a touching tribute to his performed form of child discipline, stumbled and bumbled to 25 yards.

Speaker 1 The Redskins fans aren't so keen and numb on their playoff chances after the 02 start. Cowboys 31, the Stands 21.

Speaker 1 To the Meadowlands where the G-men went up against New York's number one team, the Buffalo Bills.

Speaker 1 Josh Allen Dershowitz was racking up the barely legal bills and scoring on the Giants who were stuck at 14.

Speaker 1 Saquon means business Barkley was the lone bright spot for the Giants with 107 yards and a visit to pay dirt. But these aren't your father's G-Men.
They're the ghetto men, and they stink. Hey, Teach.

Speaker 1 Yaboom. no one circles the wagons like the buffalo bills bills 28 g-men 14 the new york football giants they're not going to get him

Speaker 1 in mile high where michael vic fangio turned the dogs loose on mitch trubiski all afternoon long as drake famously said His Flacco elite, I said, only partly, I only love the height and the spirals, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 And the bears are left wondering, imagine if I never mitched the whiskies. To quote the famous Eddie Pinero, his game-winning kick was God's plan.
God's plan. Bears 16, Broncos 14.

Speaker 1 To Los Angeles, where the Saints found themselves on a teddy bridge over troubled water as Jared, Simon, and Gough Funkel carved up the Saints' defense.

Speaker 1 Without Drew Breeze, the New Orleans said, I got an Alvin camera. I love to take a photograph.
So mama, don't take my dome, sweet dome, away.

Speaker 1 As they head to seattle for another road test before heading homeward bound to him 27 saints 9 refs 7 whoop whoop whoop whoop we finished in oakland for the final football game on a baseball field and the always electric patrick my homes lighting up the scoreboard we have patrick down on field level to recap the game patrick to you thanks book so good to see you guys back again I'm going to miss playing on that old ball field.

Speaker 1 You know, I was a baseball player just like my cool dad. So making these throws out there on the diamond reminds me of the old ball game.
Did you see that guy dressed up like Andy in the crowd?

Speaker 1 Holy cats, that guy was tickling my funny bone. Man, I tell you, it was Neo Mosquito to see Coach Reed in the black hole because just about every time I see him, he's consuming the Milky Way.

Speaker 1 People forget in the draft, the Bears took Mitch Trubisky with a second overall pick while I was still on the board. But heck, it looks like they made the right decision because Mitch is balling out.

Speaker 1 He beat Flacco today and shootout for the ages. So good job.
It was a win-win-win all around.

Speaker 1 All right. Week two in the books.
Well, we still have Monday Night Football, but week two, mostly in the books.

Speaker 1 I mean, it was a wild week two. I feel like everyone got injured.
We have a million injuries. We did that tweet that everyone loves to do, like, it's only week two when we've already lost.

Speaker 1 And then just list Drew Brees, Ben Rothlisberger, Sam Darnold, who is he injured?

Speaker 1 Yeah, his nucleosises are injured. If you have two nucleosises, you don't have one.
So

Speaker 1 we're going to do the recap of the entire week two. No guest again.
Everyone loved it last week. I think we're going to do this every Monday.
Just get to touch on every game.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just me and Big Cat fucking a football. That's just like the logo for today's episode.
It's also after week two, you have to say there are more questions than answers

Speaker 1 for most of these teams. Big time.
So actually, let's do this before we hop into the Sunday afternoon games. Let's just do the game we just watched.

Speaker 1 The Atlanta Falcons, I think, are now 11-1 in home openers in their last 12.

Speaker 1 I finally get paid back for always betting on the Falcons, which I've lost way more money than I won tonight, but it felt good.

Speaker 1 And news flashed, the Eagles are like insanely injured already in week two. Yeah, everybody took a trip to the tent today.
It was kind of a crazy game.

Speaker 1 I thought the Eagles were going to win it at the end when Juliertz's husband made that catch.

Speaker 1 I thought when I first saw it that he made it to the line to gain, but it was a parallax angle, so he didn't get there after all. Carson Wentz, I think, is still pretty good.

Speaker 1 Well, he does this thing where it was like the perfect Carson Wentz game where he wasn't very good at the start. Everyone's like, this guy,

Speaker 1 he's supposed to be a league MVP. Then he gets hurt.
Then everyone says, well, he's hurt, so that's why he's playing bad. Then he played great and almost...

Speaker 1 brought them back to victory like in two different drives when the game was on the line and you look at it and you say oh yeah that's why that guy is so good and everyone thinks highly of him but now we leave week two and be like okay is he hurt or is he not hurt right Right.

Speaker 1 It's crazy, too, watching the Falcons play because if you were to compare this game to what they did in Minnesota last week, it's like it's a schizophrenic team. They are the worst.

Speaker 1 There are two personalities of Dan Quinn. He either wants to kick a field goal on fourth and short or fourth and long.
Matt Ryan, I don't know what it is.

Speaker 1 He just, when he gets to the red zone, he just decides this is exactly where I want to be to throw an interception. He threw three picks tonight.

Speaker 1 The Falcons lead the league, and this is a stat I haven't looked up, but I'm just going to say it, lead the league in fucking up in the red zone.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, that's an advanced analytics that I just came up with that the Falcons lead the league I'm going to one up you and say that going back to 2015 they lead the league in fucking up in the red zone every single Falcons game comes down to them fucking up in the red zone that's why they won this game because they didn't even get in the red zone they just threw a like three yard screen to Julio Jones and let him run they should do that more often throw a 75 yard touchdown stay out of the red zone entirely like from they do better when they're inside their opponent's red zone right which would be what zone is that the brown zone yeah the opponent's red zone whatever that is.

Speaker 1 What do you want on the color of spectrum? The is it no orange? We'll get a Pantone check on that.

Speaker 1 All right, well, yeah, either way, the Falcons are back, and the Eagles, now, like you said, more questions. I think everyone on the team is injured.
Yeah, everyone's injured. With the Falcons,

Speaker 1 I think the Falcons are in the catbird seat, my favorite term of the NFC South, because that division is hot trash. We're going to get to it.
It's hot trash.

Speaker 1 I'm going to dangle this out here for right now. I'm considering putting the dun chain on the Panthers.
Ooh.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 that makes sense because the Panthers, we talked about it on Friday, but Cam Newton's broken. Right.
And their whole system's broken. Right.
They don't have anywhere to go without Cam Newton.

Speaker 1 Well, maybe what's his name? Will Greer. Will Greer.
Savior. That's right.
Okay, so

Speaker 1 let's start with the one o'clock games. I want to start with the 49ers and Bengals, the game that Hank was most looking forward to.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 The story here is: did you see the video where someone captured a Bengals fan sending a text to his friend from the nosebleeds?

Speaker 1 and the text read, Fucking Andy Dalton, I hope he dies on the field in the second half so I can run on the field and stomp on his corpse. That's pretty strong.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, I don't think he really minced any words there. Yeah, I'd like to see him try to get on the field to stomp on his corpse.

Speaker 1 I feel like if Andy Dalton dies on a football field, I see his point because they should just like let him lay there for a while.

Speaker 1 They should just like let nature take its course, have him decompose slowly on the field. They probably won't know.

Speaker 1 There's probably better facilities than the Bengals would have anyways because they don't spend money on Undertakers and coroners in Cincinnati.

Speaker 1 Here's a fun fact, though, for that guy who wants to murder Andy Dalton, league leader in passing yards through week two, Andy Dalton. How many yards did he have today?

Speaker 1 He had, I think he had like 400 yards or something, 300 yards. He had 400 yards maybe week one and three.
He's leading the league with like 750 yards or somewhere around there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're never going to give him up. No.

Speaker 1 Andy Dalton needs to be the Bengals quarterback in perpetuity until he physically can't do it, until until he does die on the field. It also was one of those classic games where

Speaker 1 Andy Dalton had 311 yards today.

Speaker 1 All the problems the Bengals had last year, after week one, everyone's like, oh, maybe they're fixed. Turns out, none of them are fixed.
The offensive line stinks, and the defense really stinks.

Speaker 1 The defense isn't very good at all.

Speaker 1 I don't know what to make of Zach Taylor yet.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to get a vibe on him, and he's a tough guy to vibe out on because

Speaker 1 he looks like an assistant coach on the sidelines. He looks like the guy whose job it is to catch the passes for the quarterback and then hand the quarterback the ball.
Right.

Speaker 1 He doesn't pop on the sidelines. He doesn't have a thing yet.

Speaker 1 We need to figure out. He needs a vibe.

Speaker 1 I would say I go as far as say he's got a sketchy vibe. Oh, he's sketchy? Yeah, he is sketchy because you just don't know what he's doing.
He's one of those guys.

Speaker 1 He shows up at a party and all your friends that are girls look at each other with like the side glances.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Who is this guy? Is he going to let Andy Dalton be the quarterback all year? Putting out weird vibes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. This also was the Jimmy G game because he actually played a good game, which everyone's been waiting for.
And on top of all that, I love when we can just count on things in the NFL.

Speaker 1 And because Kyle Shanahan, Mike Shanahan's son, we can now count on the 49ers always having a no-name guy be awesome at running the football. Yeah, well, Brita, he's not no-name.
He's not no-name.

Speaker 1 He's pretty good. But still, he will plug in anyone, and they will get 100 yards.
I think that their starter got injured. I might be wrong on that.

Speaker 1 I think he got banged up and then Brita is the guy that's he's always been the fantasy football player's like, oh, if he just got more touches, he's amazing.

Speaker 1 He's like the new Duke Johnson, essentially. They had three guys who had over 10

Speaker 1 touches. Raheem Mostert.
Am I saying that right? Sure, yeah. Jeff Wilson Jr.
He sounds like a race car driver. And Matt Brida.

Speaker 1 And they just ran the ball and ran the ball 234 rushes between, or yards between those three guys. And I just love it because it's back to old school Mike Shanahan.

Speaker 1 We're like, whoever they put in that system,

Speaker 1 he'll just rip defenses up. The zone blocking.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you can, when you can, when you can, like, go to sleep knowing these things, it feels good. Yeah, put your foot in the ground, get downhill.
Alfred Morris can do it. You can do it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like Kyle Shanahan and Belichick are the two guys that come to mind that fucking hate fantasy football owners so much that they almost get a sick pleasure, a sick, perverted, twisted pleasure out of

Speaker 1 nobody being able to guess who's going to get the lion's share of the touches in the backfield during any given game.

Speaker 1 With Belichick, it went so far that he was like, I'm going to put Aaron Hernandez back here for a game.

Speaker 1 I'm going to let the murderer get 4.5 yards per game. What was the guy's name who had four touchdowns and then got cut? Gray.
No. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, no, the guy who went on, he was on the cover of Sports Illustration. Yeah, it was Gray.
Was it? Yeah, it was Gray.

Speaker 1 Jonas Gray. Jonas Gray, yeah, yeah.
And then he looked at Belichick wrong.

Speaker 1 Blade and they got the heat as a team playing. I love that.
Somebody like that. Can't do that.
The 49ers are a classic team

Speaker 1 through two weeks. They're 2-0, and I have no idea if they're good or not.
Yeah, are we sure that they're good? I guess the record says that they're good, but we're not sure if they're good.

Speaker 1 Next week, they get to play the Steelers, which I also don't know if they're bad or good at home. So we won't know until...

Speaker 1 Probably until the Rams, week five.

Speaker 1 All right. Next up, we have Chargers at Lions.

Speaker 1 Anthony Lynn, you're a fucking idiot. That's what I wrote down.
Okay. Because Anthony Lynn went into this game without a kicker and had his punter kick field goals, and he missed them both.

Speaker 1 It's the same motion. And they lost by three, and he missed a 39er and a 41-yarder.
And it's like, what are you doing? I also, the other thing I noted was

Speaker 1 Matt Stafford is like a junkyard Phil Rivers. He's like a less accomplished Phil Rivers.

Speaker 1 They both have the same vibe where they could throw a horrible interception or they could bring their team back in the fourth quarter and like with withstand multiple injuries and hardcore sacks and blindside sacks.

Speaker 1 They never see the blindside sack coming, right? And they can throw the ball around the yard. Yeah, they don't feel pain.

Speaker 1 And what I'm really enjoying about Philip Rivers at this point in his career is he's always had that weird shot putt motion where he starts from his shoulder.

Speaker 1 It's getting further and further away from his butt. He has no, like, he doesn't bring the ball back at all.
It starts in front of him. It's like a chess pass every time that he throws it.

Speaker 1 And he can make it go 45 yards if he needs to. Yes.
But he's fucking fun to watch. And you see him with the nuns, the nuns in the front row in the pregame, dapping him up.

Speaker 1 He's like, all right, solidarity, y'all. I'm not going to score just for y'all.
Yes. Also, Lions fans.

Speaker 1 Lions fans are, I think, two behind Raiders fans for most hilarious costumes that they all wear on Sundays.

Speaker 1 And it's just a whole section of them that just think it's completely normal to dress up like Lions. You're forgetting about Mr.
Cat in

Speaker 1 Carolina. Yeah, but that's one guy.
I'm talking about the Lions fans because now, not to brag, but we have direct TV at the office, so we actually get to watch the live feeds of the games.

Speaker 1 There were so many shots. I couldn't get my phone out fast enough of just Lions fans dressed up like animals

Speaker 1 or looking like they gave a blowjob to a robot and dressed in all silver and weird shit. I like that about that.

Speaker 1 In Detroit, that's how you just go to a game. It's not like you don't go with a work group or anything to the game.

Speaker 1 You've got your hardcore, die-hard season ticket fans that your family has spent being neighbors with every Sunday or eight Sundays a year for the last 40 years.

Speaker 1 And so they only know you as your name when you're dressed up. Oh, Bucks fans are sneaky like that.
Bucks fans are too, but

Speaker 1 all you need to know about Lions fans is that season ticket holders for the Detroit Lions, think about this, have spent every single Thanksgiving with the Detroit Lions and not their family.

Speaker 1 That says that's the most hardcore you can get. Yeah, I'd rather be like, no, I'm not going to do anything with my family.
I'm just going to go watch

Speaker 1 the shitty Lions be shitty. I'd rather get nutted on by C-3PO and put my gold glitter all over my face, show up at a game and watch the Giants lose the Lions lose by 30 points.

Speaker 1 The other thing I had here, Melvin Gordon, not a great day to be you again. Nope.
Austin Eckler had a pretty good game. He fumbled.
He fumbled. But he had a pretty good game.

Speaker 1 And so Melvin Gordon paid Austin Eckler, or he paid the Chargers update. He has now paid the Chargers, I think, $600,000.
And they've paid Austin Eckler $75,000.

Speaker 1 So they're just, they're happy with the situation because they're making banks. The fumble was very big, and ball security is job security.

Speaker 1 So if you're Melvin Gordon, you're just rooting for him to continue to fumble.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if the term fumblitis gets attached to him, he's got the fumbles, then you can make a case that you need me back. Barstoolgold.com/slash PMT.

Speaker 1 If you want to watch all of our episodes, barstoolgold.com/slash PMT. We got a big guest coming on Wednesday if you want to watch that.
It's an awesome one. Big.
Bigger than Gronk. Bigger than Gronk.

Speaker 1 Taller than Gronk.

Speaker 1 Vikings, Packers. Yes.
Dalvin Cook is awesome. The Vikings went away from the playbook that we told them works.
Don't let your quarterback be a quarterback.

Speaker 1 Don't let Kirk Cousins throw the ball more than 10 times in a game. He threw it 32 times.

Speaker 1 That's almost four times more than 10. How many completions do you think he had out of 32? 17.

Speaker 1 15. 14.
14. 14 completions out of 32 with two interceptions.
The Vikings just run the ball and play defense. And their defense figured out

Speaker 1 Aaron Rodgers and Matt LaFleur in the second half because the Packers looked unbelievable in the first half. And then they completely shut them down in the second half.

Speaker 1 But they had Kirk Cousins who had to bring him back.

Speaker 1 And you can't do that.

Speaker 1 You can't let Kirk Cousins, who you pay a lot of money to throw the football, throw the football.

Speaker 1 Yeah, nothing in this world will break your spirit faster than having to be a fan that gets excited for Kirk Cousins on a Sunday.

Speaker 1 Because you have to talk yourself into it if you're a Vikings fan, right? You're like,

Speaker 1 he can win this game for us.

Speaker 1 I tried to do this for two years in D.C., and it is so depressing being like, Kirk is going to win this game for us and actually believing in him going into a game.

Speaker 1 And he's the worst kind of quarterback because he's the kind that's good enough where when he fucks up. It really hurts you.
It disappoints you.

Speaker 1 It's not like he's Nathan Peterman where he throws interception. You're like, aha, that's Nathan Peterman.
That's funny.

Speaker 1 He's not Fitzpatrick, where he throws a pick six and you're like, hilarious, he's still in the league.

Speaker 1 He is good enough to give you enough hope where then when he fucks up, he totally drives you into deep, deep depression. He's like a magic eye.

Speaker 1 Back in the day when we had the magic eye books and you just have to go cross-eyed to try to see what you want to see,

Speaker 1 you have to go cross-eyed every Sunday morning if you're a Vikings fan to try to see a quarterback. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you just stare at him for long enough and you think that eventually a quarterback will pop out and you're like, nope, it's still just a piece of dog shit. Shit, yeah.

Speaker 1 It looks like a shitty shitty wall. Okay, I'll turn the calendar to October.
Maybe it'll be a quarterback then. Not to break character or break the show up, but how much computer battery do you have?

Speaker 1 Because I'm like about to die. I'm at 88.
Oh, thanks. Here you go.
You got it. You got more than enough.
I'll give you some juice. All right.
Yeah, I'm swimming in power over here.

Speaker 1 Also, not to break the show up, but that shirt is an all-time shirt.

Speaker 1 The Nathan Peterman shirt. Yeah, the Peterman.

Speaker 1 Fuck you, Hank. All right,

Speaker 1 also not to break the show up, Pink Whitneys. Let's talk about them real quick.

Speaker 1 For any of you Stoolies out there who've been off the grid for the past few weeks, we teamed up with our partners at New Amsterdam Vodka to make our signature drink, the Pink Whitney Official.

Speaker 1 After rounds of taste tests, we came across this seriously smooth blend of pink lemonade flavored vodka, and we knew we had to bottle this one up.

Speaker 1 The Pink Whitney is perfect over ice, chilled as a shot, or topped off with a little club soda. Either way, this game changer on deck for your tailgates and watch parties this fall.

Speaker 1 And if you can't find a bottle yet, tell those pigeons at the liquor store to get some cases in stock. Brought to you by our partners at New Amsterdam Vodka as the official vodka of the NHL.

Speaker 1 They're on a mission to help you find your wins all season long. Pink Whitney is actually delicious.
I like it. It is delicious.

Speaker 1 Our good friend Ryan Whitney

Speaker 1 has a drink named after himself. Can you believe it? Not at all.
The pride of Situate, Massachusetts. Gassin Whitneys and Chuck and Knox.
That's what they do.

Speaker 1 It's unbelievable that he has his own drink. The Pink Whitneys.
Check them out, New Amsterdam Vodka. Okay, Colts Titans, the field was on fire.
Yes, the speaker caught fire pregame. That was awesome.

Speaker 1 I love this. Happens every now and then.
Wasn't there.

Speaker 1 There's usually dumps of Lions. I think maybe the Lions or maybe it was the Saints.
There was a dome that had the turf on fire a couple years ago.

Speaker 1 From like a pyrotechnic, this was a speaker that was completely engulfed in flames. Only explanation I thought.
Oxcord.

Speaker 1 They handed swag the Oxcord. Yeah.
Swag Kelly pumped some shit pre-game. He had that Spotify list going.
Absolutely. It was a Viking funeral for a country music, basically.

Speaker 1 So the real story here is Adam Vinatari is going to retire tomorrow. Well,

Speaker 1 first reporting? You don't think he's going to

Speaker 1 be holding a press conference? I would assume that. Adam Vinatari could be holding a press conference and calling the media together on a Monday morning for any number of reasons.
We don't know that.

Speaker 1 He's just going to be like, hey, I fucked up. I'm sorry, guys.
I fucked up. Yeah, Hank, let me ask you this.
Adam Vinati going to the Hall of Fame as a Colt or as one of ours, a Patriot?

Speaker 1 Patriot, one of us. You think so? Yeah.
More rings. More rings.
I don't even know what he did.

Speaker 1 Played longer than Indie, though, right? And all 2006, I think. But there's no memorable Adam Benatary moments on the Colts.
He won a Super Bowl for him. But there's nothing that

Speaker 1 could have been. There's nothing that's imprinted in your memory of Adam Benatari game-winning kick.
You think

Speaker 1 you think of the Rams? Here's what I remember from his time in Indianapolis when he made a field goal, and then Tony Dungy said, that guy's good on the sideline. There you go.

Speaker 1 He's like, I've got a guy.

Speaker 1 He's going to retire. His money is what he's going to do.

Speaker 1 What did he miss? Two extra points in a field goal? Yeah, and he missed an extra point last week, too. Yeah, but the Colts won, so that's got to count for something.

Speaker 1 And the Titans, they are a classic team where you think you don't know what they are, but I know exactly what they are.

Speaker 1 And they just play ugly-ass games, and Marcus Mariota is the most frustrating quarterback in the world to watch.

Speaker 1 Well, there's a gentleman's agreement between every team in the NFC South, AFC South, that says we're never going to play a fun game to watch together. Yeah.
It's all going to be butt-ugly shit fests.

Speaker 1 And we're going to just, we're going to win 12 to 13. We're going to win 17 to 14.
And we're going to do that every single time we get together. No one's going to like it.

Speaker 1 And then when the playoffs come around, no one's going to know how to bet on us. I feel like Marcus Marriott is allergic to throwing 300 yards.
He can't do it. He cannot do it.
I think that's fair.

Speaker 1 I think that's totally fair to say that. I also think that Jim Ursa is going to go hog wild down in Nashville tonight after winning a game there and buy like every single guitar in Opryland.

Speaker 1 That Jim Urce outfit that you tweeted the other day when he was wearing a suit coat and Under Armor sweatpants. Oh, yeah.
And Skechers. Holy shit Air Force Ones.
That guy's got style. No asking.

Speaker 1 That's got to be so awesome, though, to be so rich that you can wear whatever the fuck you want and no one will say, hey, man, you look like an asshole.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, it must be. Robert Kraft shirts for years.
What? I mean, it's a white collar shirt.

Speaker 1 It's a ridiculous shirt, but because he's Robert Kraft, no one's going to be like, hey, Mr. Kraft, please.
Why wouldn't you just get a collar that's the same color as your shirt? Because Mr.

Speaker 1 Kraft exudes excellence. And he dates models who are into fashion, which clearly you know nothing about it.

Speaker 1 It's unreal. If you're this rich, you can just wear a sweatshirt and be like, well, it actually costs $2,000.
So

Speaker 1 you can't hate on it. If you're wealthy, then you can just wear the exact same thing every day.
Steve Jobs did that. That's true.
The lady from that scam company that took your blood did that.

Speaker 1 Theranos, yeah. Yeah, Elizabeth Holmes did that.
Every successful person. Elizabeth Holmes.

Speaker 1 Billy McFarlane, he wears an orange jumpsuit every single day. Yeah.
Only very, very wealthy people can do this.

Speaker 1 It really is what, as they say, as the kids say, goals

Speaker 1 to someday be so rich that you can dress like an asshole and have no one say a word. And no ass.
Yeah. And no ass.

Speaker 1 No ass whatsoever, which, by the way, there's a picture out there floating of me today.

Speaker 1 I got to do some squats. Squat Tober's come around the corner.
No ass gangs. Squat Tober's.

Speaker 1 It looks like shit just falls out of my ass. What did Sir Mixalotte say? Converted ass gang.
You can do all the side bends and sit-ups, but don't lose that butt, big cat.

Speaker 1 Squat Tober needs to get here fast. I think my butt's bigger than yours.
Yeah, probably.

Speaker 1 I don't have a big dumper. Do you want me to say that? I got a big old chunky.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Hank, Patriots 43, Dolphins 0. Actually, I don't know why I said Hank, PFT, because you need to answer for

Speaker 1 this. No, your Dolphins.
Your Dolphins are going to go down as the worst team in NFL history, and you said they were going to win seven games.

Speaker 1 I would rather be on the wrong side of the worst take of all time than be on the wrong side of a mildly bad take. Because

Speaker 1 I've been in both situations before more often than not, but getting something so colossally wrong as the Dolphins going 0-16, the reverse 76, that would be, I would be proud to have an all-time bad take like that.

Speaker 1 And you only thought it though. Only the worst part is you actually did think.
You're like, Ryan Fitzpatrick's going to get him a few wins.

Speaker 1 Only the great ones can be so confident in something so wrong and not willing to get off that hill before they die on it. I'm going to be like Andy Dalton on the field dying on this bad take.

Speaker 1 I think, okay, they probably won't go 7-7 from here on out.

Speaker 1 Minka Fitzpatrick is looking for a trade, and they're trying to trade him, which is ridiculous because he was a first-round draft pick last year.

Speaker 1 They've got... They're trying to trade Kenny and Drake, too.
Trying to trade Drake. Okay, yeah, get Drake the fuck off.
The Dolphins are going to break.

Speaker 1 I think they are going to break a record this year for biggest point spread. They have to, right?

Speaker 1 Well, they play the Patriots in week 17, so that one might not count, but I'm looking at it right now. Like,

Speaker 1 next week they're playing the Cowboys at Dallas. I don't.
It's probably going to be 18 again, probably like 17, 18 as a spread.

Speaker 1 13 and a half. And let's just say

Speaker 1 one of the pick sixes today wasn't entirely Fitzmagic's fault. Those are so funny.
Okay, so

Speaker 1 I have a stat for you.

Speaker 1 First is the Dolphins are being outscored 102 to 10. They're basically an FCS program trying to play in the FBS.

Speaker 1 It's getting bad. They are,

Speaker 1 I don't even know what, like Jacksonville State or someone who's trying to who's trying to play Bama every single week. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, and I, this, this might actually get to a point where I'm going to start believing the Alabama could beat the Dolphins if they trade enough of their guys.

Speaker 1 So they're 102 to 10 is their total points this year so far through two games.

Speaker 1 The Patriots scored more points on defense in a one minute and 13 stretch during this game than the Dolphins have in 120 minutes on offense.

Speaker 1 Okay, so all that tells me is that by being so vocal about saying that I'm going to bet on the Dolphins cover the spread, I motivated the Patriots. Yeah,

Speaker 1 they feed off the hate. Well, so

Speaker 1 the other good thing, the only silver lining we have for the Dolphins season at this point is Brian Flores continues to put in Josh Rosen and give us Josh Rosen stat lines.

Speaker 1 Josh Rosen's stat line, seven for 18, 97 yards, and an interception. So thank you, Brian Flores, because we can keep the Josh Rosen stat line bit going when you just throw him to the Wolves.

Speaker 1 And it's so weird because he does it in these blowouts and he's like, yeah, this is a good time for this guy to learn.

Speaker 1 With no pros on the field and a team that just wants to hold a shutout, let's throw him in there and see if he can make some magic happen. Yeah, it's awful.
It's awful the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Hank, what do you got? The funniest part about that game was the end. That last drive, like, the game was over.
It was 43-0.

Speaker 1 And Flores and Belichuk were calling timeouts to stop the clock because

Speaker 1 Belichick didn't want to score.

Speaker 1 And I think it was just like old buddies going against each other like even though it's 43 nothing and everyone just want to leave like we're not letting this game end I think Belichick hates Flores now I think that ever since he left he's like you're not one of my guys you're not loyal the only the only assistant that Bill Belichick actually likes is Josh McDaniels because he's the one that was so loyal that he turned down a job he fucked over the Colts to come back he fucked over the Colts so Belichick and the Broncos love yeah he absolutely loves Josh McDaniels because he ruins franchises that are rivals with the Patriots okay so in Belichick fashion, Hank, because the Patriots are obviously unbelievable, and they're going to.

Speaker 1 It's offensive porn. I don't know who's going to beat him, but unbelievable the way.

Speaker 1 And Antonio Brown, like them targeting Antonio Brown to make him happy three or four times in the first drive, was like, come on.

Speaker 1 But because Belichick, you know, he's going to sit the team down and be like, you didn't do well. What are you going to do about Stephen Guskowski? Because he's always two extra points.

Speaker 1 He's terrible in Miami. And he missed the field goal.

Speaker 1 It's like he's like 90% in all time, and he's like 70% in Miami. So that's just a Miami thing.
Okay, so there I guess you go.

Speaker 1 The real problem is the snapping. That's the only thing that I've noticed watching the film.

Speaker 1 You can tell that David Andrews is not playing because the shotgun snaps are getting kind of slow. Okay, so there's an issue at center that we have to address.

Speaker 1 Okay, Brady needs to shove a couple more tiles into his ass. Solved.
Boom, boom. Done.
Solved. Bills at Giants.
Bills,

Speaker 1 so let's start with this. Pat Shermer last year said about Josh Allen, he has a chance to be a starter.
Disrespect. Shermer, you're a fucking idiot.
Disrespectful.

Speaker 1 Pat Shermer is still starting Eli Manning. Eli Manning didn't have a completion until the second quarter.
And Eli Manning, I'm woke to this.

Speaker 1 He's putting up enough stats that if you look back at his, like, the box score, you can reasonably say to yourself, huh, not that bad.

Speaker 1 He threw for 250 yards and a touchdown, a couple interceptions, but if you don't watch the game, you can basically sell it like maybe it's not just Eli's fault, but if you watch the game, it's Eli's fault.

Speaker 1 They basically just ran the ball. The only time they had success was the first drive where they just ran Saquon five times in a row.
He scored a touchdown all by himself.

Speaker 1 We should all be hoping that the Giants win as many games as possible to get Eli to stick around as much as possible. Because as long as they're in the playoff hunt,

Speaker 1 they're still going to start.

Speaker 1 They're not mathematically eliminated yet. I'm not a math genius.
I'm no Fitzpatrick, but I do know that they're not eliminated eliminated after two weeks.

Speaker 1 The Dolphins are the only team that's officially mathematically eliminated. But yeah, they should absolutely, we should be rooting for Eli Manning to play well.

Speaker 1 Well, not necessarily for him to play well, just for the Giants to win, just for them to win some games. They'll beat the Redskins.
They'll beat them at home. Maybe.
They'll beat them at home. Maybe.

Speaker 1 And then on the other side, Josh Allen, I'm doing a torch update. Torch being passed from Cam Newton to Josh Allen.
I fucking love him. As the best running quarterback.

Speaker 1 Shout out all the haters, of which there were many. Josh Allen is real and he's spectacular.
And Pat Shermer saying that quote and Josh Allen going in and shoving it in his face. Fuck yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 That's all I'm going to say. Fuck yeah, dude.
Josh Allen too.

Speaker 1 A reporter asked, what do you think you showed New York fans? And he's like,

Speaker 1 we're in New York right now. Like, we're a New York team.
We're actually number one New York team. We're actually in New Jersey right now.
They won the state championship.

Speaker 1 You mean the people watching at home in New York? The New York state championship goes to the Buffalo Bills. They're 2-0 in MetLife Stadium.
I wouldn't mind making Buffalo the capital of New York.

Speaker 1 I'm down for the business. They should do it like that.
If the Bills are the better team, then Buffalo, boom, immediately gets all the state documents, the charters, all that.

Speaker 1 All these lawmakers have to move from wherever the capital of New York is to Albany. They have to take the big train up to I think that's the same as Buffalo.
Yes. Well, no, maybe not.

Speaker 1 Well, Albany, Syracuse, and Buffalo are those things that, like, they're all the same, but they're so far apart. Yeah, Albany is Buffalo without a football team and without wings.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So it's like you take the only redeeming. The Great Danes.
The best parts. The Great Danes.
The Great Danes. Where are they? The University of Albany.
Okay. Great Danes are there.
Yeah. That's it.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's a great mascot. That's all you got.
The best thing about you is that you're not New York City. Yeah.
Purple and something. That's the basketball team.
Albany.

Speaker 1 University of New York, Albany. That is a pretty sweet name for

Speaker 1 a team. Yeah, the Great Danes.
Can I ask you a question?

Speaker 1 Are we sure that Pat Shermer is a good coach? Because I think he fucking sucks.

Speaker 1 I think he's just

Speaker 1 got a pouch in his back that Dave Gettleman's hand fits directly into so he can make him do whatever he wants.

Speaker 1 This is awesome because Pat Shermer is a classic coach where there's this management owner weird

Speaker 1 fight, and you have a guy who won two Super Bowls and who's going to be a Hall of Famer in Eli Manning.

Speaker 1 So everyone kind of glosses over the fact that Pat Shermer might actually just be a terrible coach. Yeah.
Give me Ben McAdoo back. I miss McAdoo.
Fuck. At least he had the balls.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he had the balls to

Speaker 1 bench him in a game that really made no sense, but he did it. He went out there and did it anyways.
He had the weird haircut. I don't even know what Pat Shermer's hair looks like.

Speaker 1 He always wears a full ball cap. I don't know what he's got.
He might have a Mohawk. It's just funny because he might be totally bald.

Speaker 1 You get these coaches that they get put in these situations where no one will blame the coach, even though that seems like what we should be saying because he is the one who keeps starting Eli Manning.

Speaker 1 That was his decision. It's Gettelman and Mara and Mr.
Mara, sorry.

Speaker 1 But yeah, Pat Shermer, like,

Speaker 1 his record's going to be insanely bad if the Giants keep losing like I think they will. He's going to be, yeah.
But he'll get to keep his job because he'll be Daniel Jones' guy.

Speaker 1 He seems like a guy that's going to transition very easily into being like an assistant general manager somewhere. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I feel like Pat Shermer is a good football coach if you take out all the elements of coaching football. Right.
He looks the part. Right.
You know,

Speaker 1 his son was pretty good at at Vanderbilt. They covered against Notre Dame.
I won money on that. There you go.
So he's got that going. I like him for that reason.

Speaker 1 But he just, he seems like a guy that just is destined to spend his entire life at a football facility of some sort.

Speaker 1 Just punching in and punching out. Also, Shermer, probably the boringest name football-wise, in the league.
Yeah, I'd say Shermer. Shermer.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 Pat Shermer. Pat Shermer.
It sounds like I'm having a stroke and diarrhea at the same time. Pat Shermer.
What did you say?

Speaker 1 Did you stutter? Pat Shermer. Yeah, if Eli Manning was a name, it would be Pat Shermer.
He also, that extra R in there, it makes you think that you're saying it incorrectly. Pat Shermer.

Speaker 1 And it's like, well, you're making me think more about your name than I want to. Yep.
Fucking shit.

Speaker 1 We've spent too much time talking about a stupid fucking name already. Yeah, poor Saquon.
That's the only other note. Yeah.
Poor Saquon.

Speaker 1 Hey.

Speaker 1 Hey, Ben. Hey.
Hey, I saw you. Hey, buddy.

Speaker 1 I know the elbows connected to the shoulder bone. Hey, buddy.

Speaker 1 Connected to the pelvis bone. Looks like you hit your funeral bone there.
I want to throw on this boot.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty cozy.

Speaker 1 Just toss it on, and that little funnel bone injury just goes away. Hey, Ben,

Speaker 1 I know your elbow's all tingly-wingly. I'd sure like to help you make you feel good again.

Speaker 1 If you're a new listener, we're talking about the Seahawks and the Steelers game. and Big Ben getting injured for the billionth time in a row.
This one actually thinks, I think it's real.

Speaker 1 He thinks it's real, too. He definitely thinks it's real.
No, he thinks it's real. It was weird looking at it.
It just, I didn't really even see what happened.

Speaker 1 He just, it looked like he hit his funny bone. And he'll put on his walking boot and he will get in front of the media and he'll say, over my fucking dead body, does Mason Rudolph get to play anymore?

Speaker 1 I'm going out there, even if I'm hurt, which I might not be because I'm a dog that just yelps every time

Speaker 1 someone drops the key. Yeah, anytime a skateboard comes near my paw, I shriek and run away.

Speaker 1 And we have to take you to the vet, and it's like $700 every fucking time you fake an injury, Big Ben.

Speaker 1 I actually wouldn't be shocked if the Steelers just have a vet on call for Big Ben. For Big Ben? Probably.
They probably do.

Speaker 1 Ben, listen, we want to give you a real doctor, but we actually have a lot of players here, and they need medical attention.

Speaker 1 So we're just going to have you see the vet every time, and he'll give you maybe a little treat, have you sit, and then send you on your way.

Speaker 1 Tell you what, this is your new, this is going to be your individualized trainer. His name is Cesar Milan.

Speaker 1 And he's just going to make this coat on him. He's going to be calm, assertive.
Yeah, put this

Speaker 1 leader. You'll be fine.
He had the quickest trip to the training room of all time today before halftime. He went in and came out in four minutes.
Yeah. So he left, he goes in the tunnel.

Speaker 1 I think the vet gave him a trip. I think all that can happen, he essentially walked into the training room, farted, and then walked back onto the field.
Was like, I feel better.

Speaker 1 It was like a baby burping. Yeah, and then they're like, no, Ben, we need to have you.
Somebody's going to take a look at you. And what it looked like was the Tommy John issue.
What is that?

Speaker 1 The ligament. Yeah.
The UCL.

Speaker 1 Did Linsa come in? He couldn't grip the curveball. Upright citizens' ligament is what it is.
But yeah, he's like, it's all tingly and he can't grip it. He can't throw it.

Speaker 1 And if that's actually the case, then he's probably going to be out for a while if Ben actually does feel pain, which the jury's still out on. If it's not all phantom stuff.
But yeah,

Speaker 1 that would be something to have Mason Rudolph, who Big Ben notoriously did not train.

Speaker 1 To take over his job, if Mason has to come in for him. And then Mason in his post-game comments was doing the thing where he was giving it all up for Ben.

Speaker 1 He's like, you know, I'm ready to play if Ben will let me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I am so scared of Ben Rothelsberger and what he'll do because Ben Rothsberger's in that weird spot, similar to Eli Manning, where

Speaker 1 what he's done for the franchise just keeps carrying over whether he's good or not. And Big Ben's better than Eli, obviously.
Don't get mad at Steelers fans.

Speaker 1 But he could get anyone fired at any moment. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 He could just, well, he probably can't snap his fingers because he can't feel his arm anymore. His left hand.

Speaker 1 But yeah, he would be like, well, there's no way he knows how to do that with his left hand. That's true, yeah.

Speaker 1 He'll just click with his tongue.

Speaker 1 Fire that guy. He's probably so psyched to have like a numb right hand so he can go home and just jack it constantly.
I got an entire weekend on a date with the stranger fellas.

Speaker 1 I would just imagine him going into the locker room and the doctor like grabbing his arm and just wiggling it. And he's like, oh my God, are they going to have to amputate it, Doc? Like, Ben,

Speaker 1 you ask this every time an extremity is hurt. Yeah, Ben, you just twisted your elbow a little.
Do you want to go back in? Like, no, I don't, because we're probably going to lose. Steelers, though,

Speaker 1 is this the end of the Mike Tomlin Steelers? Because they're 0-2 now. Has he lost the locker room? Their defense does not look good, and they've invested a little bit in their defense, and Big Ben is,

Speaker 1 I would say, at the end of the road. It's fair to say.
If it is the UCL, if it is the Tommy John thing, then there's no chance he'd be able to play.

Speaker 1 I know Josh Allen had a similar thing last year where he had like a pinched nerve or something weird going on. But if it's bad, then I don't think he's going to be able to play.

Speaker 1 I think that this could be the beginning of the end for Big Ben, which I'm very, very upset about. And Mason Rudolph wasn't that bad.
No, he wasn't. He was decent.

Speaker 1 So you get to the point where you're like, okay, well, maybe Mason Rudolph is the guy. Either way, the Seahawks, now 2-0, they're for real.
They find ways to win.

Speaker 1 What's his name? Lockett is the new Doug Baldwin. Russell Wilson just throws it to him whenever he's in trouble and whenever he needs a first down, and it works.

Speaker 1 And yeah, I mean, it was, I think there's more an indictment on the Steelers, and because week one, we said the Patriots are just that good, and Mike Tomlin just can't ever beat the Patriots.

Speaker 1 But then to have your home opener and the Seahawks come in, and it feels like it's a game you should be able to win, I don't know. I don't know where the Steelers go.

Speaker 1 Well, DK Metcalf is pretty good, too. Yeah.
So it looks like he's going to be a good red zone target. He's like, he is big as fuck.

Speaker 1 He's like if Kelvin Benjamin went ketto for like two months he's got that aesthetic he's kelvin thingjamin is what i'm going to call him from now on he's cut up he's cut up and he can run different routes that i'm told because i've seen a lot of videos on the seahawks uh main twitter account that show him running like a dig route that absolutely sucks but they're but they say like look he can do other things he had the five cone drill of tom brady right yeah that was that was what it was he can't turn and that's fine um so yeah i think and james conner got hurt too so the steelers are in trouble yeah their medical staff is working overtime slash vets.

Speaker 1 Also, Russell Wilson sucked at sliding today. I don't know if you saw that.
He was a terrible turf. Usually he's one of the best because people forget he was a baseball player.
Yep.

Speaker 1 So he knows how to slide, but he was terrible. He was getting his foot caught in the turf.
He was like diving forward at. It's Heinz Field, though.
It's Heinz Field. You have to, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I was thinking, who are the all-time worst sliders? in history at the quarterback position. I got to say Flacco's up there.
Flacco did.

Speaker 1 Does he remember the time that he just shattered his knee brace? He just broke somewhere like Forrest Gump. Eli.
Eli was my number two.

Speaker 1 Eli looks like he's going to tear every single bone, break every bone, tear every single ligament in his legs whenever he tries to slide.

Speaker 1 Ben Roethlisberg is pretty bad at it, too, because he just does. He just kind of falls.
Yeah, he just puts his face forward. He's like, that's where I want to go to that blade of grass.

Speaker 1 Quickest way to get my

Speaker 1 putting my face on it. And then RG3, obviously.
Yeah, RG3 for sure.

Speaker 1 Every time he slides, I just think. I actually think he's going to explode.
Speaking of RG3, the Cowboys and Redskins, even though he's not on the Redskins anymore, but he'll always be.

Speaker 1 Dak continues his You Should Pay Dak Tor. Pay Dak.
Kellen Moore continues his I'm actually a real offensive coordinator, Jason Garrett. What does he even do here, Tor?

Speaker 1 And I don't know. The Redskins are just one of those teams that are just floating in nowhere.
Floating aimlessly. They have no identity.

Speaker 1 They have no, like, their coach won't be their coach for very long.

Speaker 1 Why aren't they just playing Dwayne Haskins? That's a good question.

Speaker 1 Well, because they trade for Case Keenum, and Case Keenum is Jay Gruden's ideal quarterback.

Speaker 1 But why, when you draft draft a quarterback in the first round i mean it's the same thing with daniel jones i don't know why you just don't it drove me crazy and we'll get to mitch but it drove me crazy when when the bears did that and it's like just play your guy because my my uh sean salisbury actually changed my mind with that because i always was of the belief that if you put a guy in early and he and he fails he'll have you know like it'll it'll he'll see things and it won't work long term he can get basically scarred but sean salisbury said if if a guy gets scarred he never was going going to be the guy anyway right you know what i mean like you either have it or you don't you either have the ability to overcome you know getting beat up and taking your lumps or you don't so might as well just do it now because if they play case keenum all year then now dwayne haskins the rookie next year what's the point i actually think there's something to be said from like a gm perspective to not playing your your quarterback his rookie year because The person's a golden ticket.

Speaker 1 Well, it's a golden ticket, which is like job security number one. Jeff Fisher taught us that for a long time.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 But also, it's less likely to be labeled as a bust if it's a second-year player coming in for the first time.

Speaker 1 Like, right now, if Dwayne Haskins was in an absolutely sucked dick, it's real easy to be like, hey, that's a bust, Dan Snyder.

Speaker 1 But if he comes in his sophomore year or his second year and he doesn't play well, it's like, oh, he's not going to work out. He's not the future.

Speaker 1 But he doesn't get the bust chain put around his neck like he would if it was his rookie year.

Speaker 1 I just don't understand why you wouldn't, if you have no identity as a team and you have no playoff hopes and you're just kind of floating aimlessly, At least give your fans some hope with a guy playing.

Speaker 1 We do have an identity.

Speaker 1 It sucks. A clown car full of buttholes.
Yeah, it sucks. And the Cowboys are good.
The Cowboys are good. Can I permission to go there on Dan Snyder? Yeah.
Dan Snowden, sell the team. Great owner.

Speaker 1 Dan Snyder, sell the team. Go.
I'm talking to you right now. You're a great owner as Stephen Jones.
As 31 other NFL owners will tell me.

Speaker 1 You are a great owner, and they love having you as a part of the league so they can kick your ass all the time. But sell the team.
You're a guy that grew up rooting for the Arwards.

Speaker 1 You care very much about them. Right now, your legacy is going to be the person who destroyed the thing you love the most in life.
That's actually kind of a cool legacy.

Speaker 1 If you sell the team, then you have a chance to be known as the person who saved the thing that you grew up loving the most.

Speaker 1 He loved the Redskins so much, he hugged them so hard, he suffocated them. Yes.
That's kind of cool. He loves them.
That's how much love you have. It's Cosette.
crawling under Christopher's butt. Yep.

Speaker 1 Little Cosette. Christopher's.
Yeah, Christopher was high high on Hugh. On Adriana's dog because he was so high on H.
He was on the junk. And then he tried to say that

Speaker 1 Cosette crawled under his butt for warmth. Yeah, and Cosette was just dead.
And then the three or four. And it was a big problem.
He didn't have an intervention. Adriana got upset about it, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I don't know what he's doing. Typical chicken.
She was not deep on H. I don't think so.
Started nagging him about killing her dog. It's like

Speaker 1 woke up and came into the bing one morning, and there you were with your hair in the toilet water, disgusting. That was Silvio's intervention.

Speaker 1 That was the letter that he wrote. So Dan Siders, sell the fucking team.
You have a chance to be the person who saved the Redskins by killing yourself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, either sell the team or just jump out of your helicopter. Sappoku.
Yes, commit Sappoku or do the old Chilean revolutionary trick and throw yourself out of the helicopter.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Cardinals, Ravens, Kyler Murray, PFT, don't get triggered, earmuffs. Kyler Murray looks even shorter, like every single week.
Good. He's getting shorter.
Good. Every time.

Speaker 1 You guys see him like, man, that guy's short. Because he was a show-off when he went to the combine and clocked in at 5'10.
He's short. Yeah, he's very short.

Speaker 1 He's also got a big helmet. He does.

Speaker 1 Well, because he's so short. He's like a walking bobblehead, and it's kind of cute watching him play back there.
He didn't really run the ball this week. He's like a backyard baseball guy.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what he looks like. What's his name? Pablo Sanchez.
Yeah, he looks like Pablo Sanchez in red and white. And yeah, I don't know if he's good or not yet.

Speaker 1 I think that he's better than he looked in the first half. It takes some time to get Cliff Kingsbury's system working.
Well, here's what I don't understand about Cliff Kingsbury.

Speaker 1 And I hate coaches in general.

Speaker 1 We talked about the Eagles Falcons game. I love Doug Peterson.
I've said it many times. He goes for it.
He takes moments and he grabs him by the balls. He's like fourth down.
I don't care.

Speaker 1 Cliff Kingsbury, you're supposed to be this offensive genius guy. You're supposed to bring up this up-tempo, you can't beat us offense.
That's why you were hired.

Speaker 1 The Cardinals in the red zone, fourth and one at the four, field goal. Fourth and goal at the three, field goal.
Fourth and goal at the two, field goal. What the fuck, dude?

Speaker 1 You could have won this game

Speaker 1 if you just said, hey, we're going to go it. If you go for it and you get two out of three of those times, you win the game.
And I think that my math is right. Yeah, my math is right.

Speaker 1 They lost by six. They would have had eight more points.
So you just need to get two out of three of those converted. Maybe that math doesn't work out.
Either way, go for it. Go for it more often.

Speaker 1 Go for it. That's what you're saying.
I don't understand.

Speaker 1 If you can't get one yard, then I mean, I would rather die.

Speaker 1 I would rather lose trying to get one yard and fourth and goal on the one than just slowly die kicking field goals every time you get down there.

Speaker 1 I think he's just terrified going up against defenses that don't play in the Big 12. So he's like, I can't get a first down here.

Speaker 1 I'm not playing against TCU anymore. I'm not playing against Baylor.
But you know what I mean? Like, just do, just, if you're supposed to be this guy, why are you turtling so much?

Speaker 1 And you have Kyler Murray. You can't, you can't get Kyler Murray into space and let him get you a first down.
That seems crazy.

Speaker 1 Also, your name can't be Cliff Kingsbury and be a pussy when it comes to going for it. Right, you're gunshots.

Speaker 1 Exactly. You're hot.
You're on the sidelines. You're wearing your sunglasses.
Air race. Which looks hot no matter who you are.

Speaker 1 If you put on a pair of cool shades, yeah, you should be going for it more often. I agree with that.

Speaker 1 I also had written down here that Larry Fitzgerald's never going to die. Nope.
His big butt somehow gets wide open. Guess what? His big butt could get wide open on a fourth and one.
Yes, exactly.

Speaker 1 Just box him out. Box him out.
He's a guy that has the exact opposite ass of you and Hank and Jim Mercy. Yep.
He's got a little bubble butt he can just stick out there, get some separation.

Speaker 1 He's a guy that, no matter how long he plays in the NFL, I will always be able to identify Larry Johnson just by his, or Larry Fitzgerald, excuse me, just from his body type. Yes.

Speaker 1 His body type is very unique to any other player in the league. With the dreads and the bubble buttons.
Even if the dreads weren't around. He just looks different as a wide receiver.

Speaker 1 I don't know what it is about him.

Speaker 1 Lamar Jackson, get ready because week five, we're going to get, and it will be deserved if he keeps playing the way he is. We'll get the Lamar Jackson for MVP talk.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because he had almost 400 yards rushing and passing today. I think he ran for 120 yards.
He was slicing and dicing them up. So get ready for it.
Lamar Jackson's the real deal.

Speaker 1 Is it time to say that maybe Lamar got better this offseason because they got rid of their Diva wide receiver, Joe Flacco? Hmm. Interesting.
We'll get to Joe Flacco. He stinks.
We will. He stinks.

Speaker 1 He stinks. All right.
Jaguars, Texans.

Speaker 1 Doug Marone is fighting his players. And we love Doug Marone.
Well,

Speaker 1 it was a disagreement. He said afterwards that he doesn't even remember it.
He doesn't recall the fight, which is a very football guy thing to do. It was over a challenge.

Speaker 1 So Ramsey wanted him to challenge a play.

Speaker 1 And Ramsey shoved him coming off the field. So Doug Marone had a right to be like, hey, man, I'm the coach.
I will also say Doug Marone going for two on the road, love that. Yeah, so I love that move.

Speaker 1 So that's the thing. Like, if you're at the end of a game and it's one point and you just scored a touchdown, I always say, like, you're on the road, go for it.
Like, what do you have to lose?

Speaker 1 Go for two. Try to steal one on the road.
But then if it's at home, I always say, go for it. You're at home.
You've got the crowd behind you.

Speaker 1 You just always go for it.

Speaker 1 If you're down by one at the end of the game, just say, fuck it and go for it. Because you know what this is? This is one of the situations where your team will love you for doing it.

Speaker 1 Because there's nothing that a team hates more than you putting your faith in a kicker. Right.
And Gardner Minshew had an awesome drive to

Speaker 1 get within one. I'm a big believer in your offense is humming.
Why would you take them off the field? Let them go for two. Let them try to win the game right there.

Speaker 1 And Gardner Minshew, I mean, he is, we're going to get to him, Football Guy of the Week. He's swaggy.
Yeah. He's awesome.
And I'm excited to watch him every single week.

Speaker 1 You know why I love Gardner Minshew is because he always looks like somebody that's dressing up as gardner minshew for halloween yes he's got like all

Speaker 1 he's got all these different looks about him and they're all equally swaggy cool and weird and every single one of them you could go as slutty gardner minshew yeah and pull off a halloween costume no problem also his dad pretty easy on the eyes i don't know if you saw him in the stance his diesel his dad is a diesel good looking guy

Speaker 1 diesel dilf is

Speaker 1 big-time dilf he had the he had a visor on the hair was flowing you look good is it time to ask does gardner minshew have the hottest dad of any NFL person? What's his name again? Flint? Flint.

Speaker 1 Flint Minshew. Flint Minshew.
Well, he changed it to Gardner because his son, Alfred.

Speaker 1 I also have Leonard Fournette sucks. Yeah, he does, but we already knew that.
Yeah, but now it's official. He sucks.
He approaches the line of scrimmage like L'Avion Bell with Mono.

Speaker 1 He takes a sweet time in the backfield, takes like five steps, and then tries to make it. He's a guy that he will average 2.7 yards per carry every single season until he's out of the league.

Speaker 1 He's a Trent Richardson.

Speaker 1 We're passing the torch. He's better than that.

Speaker 1 No, No, he's better than that, but in the similar vein of just kind of getting up to the line and not seeing holes and just getting tackled every single time after two yards. Maybe he has tripophobia.

Speaker 1 Ooh. He's terrified of seeing holes.
Yeah, he can't see three asymmetrical holes. I'm going to go with that.
That's what it is.

Speaker 1 Before I label him as officially having tripophobia, I want to see some screenshots like we've got with Trent Richardson of like, hey, he should have gone here.

Speaker 1 This week in, oh my God, the Texans are ruining Deshaun. I can't believe this.
Please free Deshaun from Bill O'Brien. Retweet me, retweet, retweet me.
Deshaun Watson has been a good news segment.

Speaker 1 It is a good news segment. I mean, I can't stand these people.

Speaker 1 They pretend like this is the first time a quarterback's been ruined by a coach. Welcome to the NFL, the National Football League.

Speaker 1 Eight straight games, four more sacks. That's a record.
Yikes. Yikes.
Yikes. It's not great.
Yikes. Yikes.
Deshaun Watson gets his ass kicked. every single week.

Speaker 1 Chiefs, Raiders.

Speaker 1 Just chill out, Patrick Mahomes. It's too much.
He's showing everyone up. He had four touchdowns in the second quarter.
Ready for this? These were his last five passes in the second quarter.

Speaker 1 42-yard touchdown pass, 32-yard completion, 43-yard completion, 27-yard touchdown pass, 39-yard touchdown pass.

Speaker 1 He threw three touchdowns in his last five throws in the second quarter, and he had every single completion over 27 yards.

Speaker 1 Somebody needs to put together the stats of if Patrick Mahomes was not allowed to play inside the 30-yard line, how many touchdown passes he'd have in his career?

Speaker 1 It's insane how Andy Reid gets so many people open. And how many games he would win if he just wasn't allowed to play inside the 30.
It's crazy. He is so goddamn good.

Speaker 1 And yeah, I mean, he's just, I don't know. It was, and it was, it was just perfect coincidence that the Bears just can't score touchdowns and Patrick Mahomes had four and one quarter.

Speaker 1 Why is that a coincidence? It was just a weird coincidence that it was happening at the same time. Let's talk about Derek Carr.
Where Mitchell was drafted. John Gruden and Derek Carr.

Speaker 1 That is going to be a messy, messy breakup. Derek Carr is not good.
It's not happening. He's not good.
John Gruden's going to have a stroke on the sideline.

Speaker 1 And the thing is, you're not going to be able to tell when John Gruden has a stroke because he always does the scowl with one side of his face, anyways. Yep.
And so no one's going to know.

Speaker 1 He probably has already stroked out a couple times.

Speaker 1 So Derek Carr is so weird to me because I don't think he's good. But when he is good, he is like a gunslinger.
And you got to let him loose.

Speaker 1 And it feels like John Gruden is doing the opposite sometimes, where he's trying to get Derek Carr to not make mistakes. I think Derek Carr is the type of guy you just have to tell him, just go do it.

Speaker 1 And yeah, there'll be a couple of mistakes, but you'll also be able to throw the ball around. Gunslinger feels like a rebrand that Derek Carr put on himself.
Yeah, he probably did.

Speaker 1 He probably got that into the media. Yeah, it's not a bad narrative to get out there.
If you suck enough at quarterback, just like whisper to a reporter, like, you're calling me the gunslinger now.

Speaker 1 That's why I throw seven interceptions.

Speaker 1 It just feels like he, I don't, I mean, that relationship was never going to work, and we all know it's not going to work, and it's going to be extra awkward when Derek Carr has the house that he's building right next to John Gruden in Las Vegas.

Speaker 1 Like, way to go, dude. That's going to be weird.
Living in his pool house, probably. Go over to John Gruden's house asking for a cup of sugar.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's not good. And Derek Carr, I feel like he is...

Speaker 1 He's got too much pizzazz for John Gruden to fall in love with him as a quarterback. Yeah.
Like, he's a little bit too exciting.

Speaker 1 And that's saying something about how John Gruden likes his quarterbacks. He likes his quarterbacks to be just like a blank slate.

Speaker 1 Like someone who's either been around the league for long enough that they're just burnt out and hate everything and don't have any passion one way or the other.

Speaker 1 Like your Jake Plummer at the end of his career when he was down in Tampa Bay. Right.

Speaker 1 That's what he likes, or he likes a rookie that he can mold into having that same person. Now, he doesn't like Derek Carr because Derek Carr has been established in Oakland before he got there.

Speaker 1 You know, quote-unquote, the franchise quarterback for the Raiders, And so it's kind of his house that you're coming into. So John Gruden's going to definitely kick him out of the house.

Speaker 1 And it's happening sooner than later. Nathan Peterman's going to play or Mike Glennon.

Speaker 1 He's going to play as well. I'm excited for that.
I'm excited for the messy, messy breakup.

Speaker 1 A quick word to the NFL. Fuck you for the 405 start time.
I can't stand it. I didn't know this game was in Oakland.
Now, a reasonable person would say, hey, big cat, you had literally all week.

Speaker 1 You had actually like six months to know this game was being played in Oakland because there's a schedule. You can read it.
You can do all that.

Speaker 1 And I say, fuck you, because I'm always at the 4 o'clock witching hour time.

Speaker 1 I'm like losing my brain, trying to win bets, trying to hold on, and then trying to put in new bets while the old bets are still being played out. And I don't look at those kind of facts.

Speaker 1 So I thought this game was being played in Kansas City. I said, Kansas City, I won the bet, but I said Kansas City minus seven.
That's stealing. No one goes into Arrowhead and beats them.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then, boom, turned on the game. There's a baseball field, and I was confused as hell.
So

Speaker 1 that made a whole lot more sense.

Speaker 1 Just make them the same. Don't give us that one game that you have to be like, oh, fuck, I got to rush in and get this bit in.

Speaker 1 We're not in Kansas anymore, is what you should have said when you were told that. But yeah, I agree.
I won, but bullshit. I agree.
Just like there should not be a 405 start time in general. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Every game should start at 4.15. Yeah, it's bullshit.
It's bullshit. Give me

Speaker 1 some time of

Speaker 1 uniformity. Yeah, yeah.
Let me go take a shit after the early games are done. Because you know you.
Let me put on pants for the first time.

Speaker 1 At 4.05, there are still three or four games that you bet on for the one o'clock games that are completely up in the air.

Speaker 1 Give me a second to feed the dog that I forgot to feed his breakfast when I woke up in the Marine.

Speaker 1 Yes, give us like a brief respite from it. Also, somebody tweeted at me.
I don't know who it was.

Speaker 1 I lost the tweet, but they had a great idea, which is at the Las Vegas facility for the Raiders, at their new stadium that they're building, building, they should have on the field turf a baseball diamond.

Speaker 1 Like, not the actual dirt, but the color of the built into the field turf. Like, I think the oh, I think Vanderbilt does that.

Speaker 1 Vanderbilt has not dirt, but it's, I think it's colored field turf all around. Maybe that, maybe I made that up.
Yeah. I could have made that up.
I don't know. Whatever.
It feels like. Oh, no, no.

Speaker 1 The warning track is not dirt. Vanderbilt

Speaker 1 feels like a school that would try not to get its players dirty. Right.
Yeah, at all. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Go run to Penn State, dude.

Speaker 1 That's fine. All your problems.
They'll cover up problems there.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 By the way, doesn't having a dirt warning track kind of defeat the purpose of having a warning track that you can feel underneath your feet that it changes as you're tracking.

Speaker 1 That's the point of a warning track. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't have a dirt warning track.
They have a color. That's what I'm saying.
It defeats the point. Correct.
I agree. Okay.

Speaker 1 Let's talk about the Bears offense. Hey, it's PFT here, reminding you that Boarshead makes game day entertaining elevated and effortless.

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The Bears offense. Let's talk about it, big cat.
They're doing a lot of RPOs.

Speaker 1 This is. Now, first of all, we won.
Bears won. One and one.

Speaker 1 A win is a win. Tough to win in this league.

Speaker 1 An ugly win is a win, okay? Winning ugly still counts as winning. Meltdown avoided.

Speaker 1 The Bears are a parody of every Bears team that's ever been created. And that means the defense is great, and the offense just makes you want to cry, puke, do everything except watch it.

Speaker 1 And it's so fucking frustrating. And I don't even know at this point.
Like, we go, the Bears go back and forth. It's one week, like week one.
The Bears don't run the ball. Mitch throws it 45 times.

Speaker 1 And you say, how the fuck is that ever going to work? Then you go this week where Matt Nagy doesn't trust Mitch whatsoever to throw the ball even 10 yards down the field. And guess what?

Speaker 1 You can't win a full, like you can't move the ball when that happens. So you end up with Mitch throwing for 120 yards and running the ball more than you pass it.
Just figure it the fuck out.

Speaker 1 I don't know what the answer is. And I know everyone's going to say, well, Mitch stinks.

Speaker 1 Listen, I don't think he stinks. I think they need to just figure out a way to win with using the things that he's good at.

Speaker 1 I always think that if you have a dominant defense, it actually hurts your offense because your offense gets solo home run being a rally killer. Exactly.
You get so self-conscious about yourself.

Speaker 1 You're like, oh man, they're so good, and we're not as good. And then you play worse because you don't have the same confidence.
Guess what, though? You got a kicker. We got a kicker.

Speaker 1 Eddie Pinero, unbelievable. God's plan.
He doesn't make that kick if it's anywhere but mile high, but I don't give a fuck because he was in mile high. He made it by 10 yards.

Speaker 1 53-yarder, and the Bears are one and one. And I think every single game is going to be exactly this.
Yes, it is. Just a pain-state.
It was boring game. Awful football game where the defense is fancy.

Speaker 1 Like, Roquan Smith is a stud. Eddie Jackson is a stud.
Khalil Mack is a stud. And I know what Broncos fans are going to say.
The Chubb roughing the passer was bullshit. Fine.

Speaker 1 If you want to say that, that's fine. But guess what? They called it like that all game because the Leonard Floyd roughing or whatever the, I don't even know what the call was.

Speaker 1 He had one that was equally as shitty. He landed on the guy.
Yeah, so they were calling a shitty game. And guess what? We ended up with the better call at the end.
You can't really blame it.

Speaker 1 Like, it was pretty even, evenly poor officiating throughout.

Speaker 1 It was consistent. And Dick Stockton and Mark Schlairth were getting so pissed off up in the booth.

Speaker 1 Well, Mark wanted to wants to fight garrett pulse he wants to fight he wants to go down there and fight him because he he wants to be like you don't know how to play this position he wants to fight you he wants to fight him he also wants to fight roger goodell he wants to fight everybody him and dick stockton were basically standing on top of each other in the booth they were so close side by side their nipples were touching i don't know if you saw that they were just like they had their arms around each other the whole time just lamenting about how this great game is going to shit and it was uh yeah the the officiating did kind of suck especially on those two calls one of them i thought the the one against the broncos was worse though because it was as Mitch was in the act of passing and he put it on a Leonard Bulls.

Speaker 1 No, Leonard Floyd call was bullshit.

Speaker 1 Garrett Bowles was so bad that they showed there was a holding on the Broncos and they just put Garrett Bowles on camera and they're like, actually, it was on a different guy.

Speaker 1 And then Schlerth said, well, it was on a different guy, but Garrett Bowles held too. He also held too.
He was also holding too. You can call it on every play, though, Mark.
You know that.

Speaker 1 Khalil Mack ate his fucking lunch. And ready? I'll say something nice about Joe Flacco.
He won the game.

Speaker 1 He stinks, but he had a nice drive at the end when the Bears were completely gassed and they used the whole altitude thing as a cheat. Which was real.
But then you used it as a cheat on your kick.

Speaker 1 It's true. So it goes both or altitude goes both ways, even though it literally just goes up.
But yeah, it was with Flacco.

Speaker 1 He's never been excited in his life. He's never been upset in his entire life.
He's just kind of always there. Joe Flacco is the lead league in being, or the league leader in being there.
He's around.

Speaker 1 At all times.

Speaker 1 He's always hanging out you know that you can count on him to put together one good drive a game but there's nothing that he loves more in this world than throwing a ball into the flat yeah joe flacco is a fetish and not well for three yard outs and not well it's third and 17 he sees a guy in the flat it's like verbal meme joe flacco is the boyfriend and uh there the girl next to him that's his girlfriend is completing a pass more than 12 yards downfield on third and long and then the girl that's walking by is uh inaccurate dump-off pass to the flat.

Speaker 1 There it is. He fucking loves it, and he's not.
You're right. You'd think that he would be better at it for something that he loves so much.
Nope. But he's not.
That's he's always around.

Speaker 1 Some guys love feet. Some guys love leather.
He likes throwing a ball to his tight end that will get tackled for a gain of two yards. It is true.

Speaker 1 He is always around in the greater NFL narrative, season to season.

Speaker 1 He's like your fifth friend that you don't really want to hang out with, but you know that if you have to find someone to go out with, you can always text him and be like, yeah, I'm in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I got nothing. I never have anything going on.
I appreciate you calling me. Text your first four friends that you actually like, and then the fifth one comes up, you're like,

Speaker 1 Fuck, all right. Well, yeah, I guess we'll go out with Joe tonight.
Let's do it. Fucking his dad's rich.
Yeah, fuck it.

Speaker 1 Also, my other note is Vic Fangio had an all-time outfit on the sideline. He's the same one as last time.
The belt gets higher and higher.

Speaker 1 He looks like Paul Chris's stepdad. You can't win like that.
It's so fucking boring. You cannot win like that, Vic.

Speaker 1 You got to change your look. I know you don't think it matters, but it does.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so the Bears, it was a win that was exciting, but also left me being like,

Speaker 1 we're kind of fucked because I don't know how we're going to keep winning games like this when we play. Like, the Broncos aren't good, and the Bears barely beat them.
Good news for you.

Speaker 1 You know who you have next week? The Redskins. Exactly.
Slaughter. Back to my house.

Speaker 1 The, what was the, what's the Andy Bernard? Hit the Tizown. Oh, beers.
Kings, Beers, Back to My House. Quick nap.
Boot, Rally.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no. You can take a quick nap before Monday night football.

Speaker 1 We'll do a mare's bet on this game, but I have zero confidence. Congratulations on being 2-1.

Speaker 1 Feels good. Okay, last game before we get to who's back and some football guy of the week.
Saints Rams. Drew Brees is hurt, and he's hurt bad, and he's going to be out for a while.

Speaker 1 I think he's going to miss half the season. Ooh.
Yeah. Eight weeks.
Thumb. Thumb is not good.
Thumb's not good. It seemed like it was similar to what Jay Cutler had a few years ago.
Diabetes? Nope.

Speaker 1 Thumb. There you go.
Making fun of diabetes. That's what he had.

Speaker 1 Bad attitude. He's going to have to have thumb surgery, I think.

Speaker 1 I don't think we're going to see Drew Brees for many weeks. And if we do see him and he guts it out and he's like, I'm just going to play, he's going to be bad.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, you can't grip a ball like that. So he basically got it hurt giving a high five at high speed to Aaron Donald, right?

Speaker 1 Who also got hurt. Who also got hurt later on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so now Teddy came in, and Teddy's one of those guys where you want him to play well because you want to get that whole stink of him getting hurt and the Vikings puking on the field, on the practice field, and Kyle Rudolph crying, all that behind them, put all that behind them.

Speaker 1 And I want Teddy to be back and be a good quarterback because he seems like a nice guy. And he seemed like he was on the verge of being good when he got hurt.

Speaker 1 But when I watch him play, it's like watching the Walinda brothers do the tightrope thing where I'm watching and I'm excited, but in the back of my mind, I'm just thinking that the worst might happen.

Speaker 1 Yes. Every single time.
At all times.

Speaker 1 Also sucks to be Taysom Hill because essentially you are Sean Payton's guma and you keep saying, hey, when are you going to divorce your wife and settle down with me? And guess what? He's not.

Speaker 1 He's not going to do it. He's not going to do it.
He's not going to do it. You are still going to be his guma.
Taysom Hill is a slam piece. Yeah, you are the Friday nights for gumas.
Nothing less.

Speaker 1 Know what you are and be happy with it.

Speaker 1 He must be upset. He must be like pretty pissed off about this whole situation.

Speaker 1 And Sean Payton has definitely been saying in conversations behind closed doors, like, Taysom, you're like, I love you more than I love Drew.

Speaker 1 Someday we're going to get a place together. We're going to run away.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get this marriage annulled with Drew, and we're going to get married, and we're going to make this official, and we'll have kids and everything. And then this happens.

Speaker 1 He's like, what happened? Yeah. Oh, I'm your guma.
Okay, I know where we are. I know where I am.
Especially Andrew Guma. Yeah, he's a guy you fuck.
He's not the guy you marry. Yeah.
So, sorry, Taysum.

Speaker 1 The refs screwed the Saints. Sorry, he's a guy you soak.
Yes.

Speaker 1 For a long time.

Speaker 1 The refs screwed the Saints again. Yep.
So that's fun that we get to do that again. My favorite move that Sean Payton did was he tries, he does this a lot.

Speaker 1 He'll throw a challenge flag on a play that he can't challenge just to make the refs watch more replays and

Speaker 1 of the play that they fucked up. Yes.
It's a great move.

Speaker 1 Just get like a little extra five to ten minutes of berating an official to their face. Why do they blow it dead?

Speaker 1 Just never blow it dead. Don't know.
They're tired. Let them play.
They're tired. They just want to break.
Yeah, so the Rams gutted out.

Speaker 1 No, they actually kind of dominated, but I don't know how you judge this game without Drew Brees. So I don't know.
I mean, Drew Brees is going to be hurt.

Speaker 1 This might be, we said that before the season, this might be the end for a few of these quarterbacks. It feels like the end for Eli.

Speaker 1 Well, Eli might, Eli, actually, if you said Big Ben, Drew Brees, and Eli, who's the safest? Eli. Probably.
He's the healthiest

Speaker 1 because he always goes, self-sacks himself. I was asking Hank this earlier.
Hank,

Speaker 1 between

Speaker 1 the fan bases of the Patriots and the Saints, those are probably the two ones that have like the biggest gripes, the biggest rivalry against Commissioner Goodell and the NFL.

Speaker 1 Who would you say is Goodell's biggest rival? I think the Saints are because the Patriots fans, I was lucky enough to be there twice,

Speaker 1 have been there as Goodell has had to hand them the Lombardi trophy and they get to boo him, which kind of gives them dominance over Goodell.

Speaker 1 The Saints haven't had that, you know, that come to Jesus moment. They haven't got to like laugh in his face and rub it in his face.
So they're the ones with the fire in their belly.

Speaker 1 They're the ones that are still like, they have something to fight for. It's not a rivalry if it's one-sided, is what you're saying.
Right, right.

Speaker 1 So until Roger Goodell suspends Antonio Brown and the Patriots for signing him and Robert Mr. Kraft for getting hand jobs,

Speaker 1 then at that point, you'll still have the domination over him. Being like, what are you, 3-1 against Goodell, something like that?

Speaker 1 2-0 since, I mean, Deflate Gate. Deflate Gate.
2-0 since

Speaker 1 2-0.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm going to... Okay, so 2-1 since Deflate Gate.
So, yeah, you guys are dominating. The Saints are basically Goodell's whipping boy.

Speaker 1 Whenever Goodell needs to flex his authoritarian muscles, he calls in a favor to the refs against the Saints. Just make sure he fucks something.
He gets off on it.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's do who's back. PFT before we do that.
What's up, guys? It's Big Cat here, making my Irish entrance with proper number 12 Irish whiskey. How do you make an Irish entrance, you ask?

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Speaker 1 All right, let's do who's back of the week. Seeky question, promo code code take, put in Seeki question, 18 take 18 and no.
No, he said 18 and one because they're going to lose the Super Bowl again.

Speaker 1 That's what he said. He predicted that.
Oh, 19. No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, you said that. They're going to go 8-1.

Speaker 1 And then he said 18-1.

Speaker 1 They're going to have one regular season loss and win the Super Bowl. Did Hank just curse the Patriots? He did.
He said they're going to go 18 and 1.

Speaker 1 Seeki question, promo code take. You get $10 off.
Yeah, they could lose a regular season game and then go 18 and 1. Promo code take.
Hank, my Seeki question is: who or whom is back?

Speaker 1 My who's back of the week is former recurring guest, Ash Ketchum.

Speaker 1 Who? Ash Ketchum, Pokemon legend. Wait, we had him? No, I'm just kidding.
He wasn't a recurring guest. I would love to have him.

Speaker 1 He's been doing this show for so long that you could have definitely convinced us.

Speaker 1 But I'm sure you guys saw the news, but he won his first Pokemon championship after 22 years trying to get the chance. The crowd is over, trying to be the very best that no one ever was.

Speaker 1 Steve Young, monkey off the back. Chicago.
He really was. Curse of the gun.
There you go. He won the Aloha Cup, first place champion.
Pikachu was on his back.

Speaker 1 I mean, honestly, like, it's one of those things where

Speaker 1 he's been going at it for so long. I was such a kid when he got in the league for him to finally win one of them.
He's solid, yeah. It's huge.
I can't wait for the E60 on that. Tom Rinoli was cracked.

Speaker 1 Ask, catch him? Ash, catch him. Sounds like a country singer that uses auto-tune way too much.
Because they're trying to catch Pokemon, so it's like catch him. Ash.

Speaker 1 Ask Ketchup. Ask Ketchup.
Ask Ketchup. AKA Hunts.
He's a Pokemon champion. Okay.
That's good. So he won using the Pikachu card? Well, Pikachu's his boy, his right-hand man.

Speaker 1 Well, of course, because isn't Pikachu the best? Yeah. It's like Pikachu.
No, no, no, well, Pikachu is like his, like, the show, you know, Ash Ketchup and Pikachu, like their buddy buddy.

Speaker 1 Okay, gotcha. But if you're looking at like the PPR player rankings, like, Pikachu's not up there.
Oh, why? Is Pikachu falling off? No, he's just like a glue guy. He's Ash's.
He's utility guy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, I gotcha. So it's the best cards are Black Lotus, then Starzard,

Speaker 1 Mutu. I'm so fucking lost.
Bulbasaur. Or no, Squirtle the Turtle?

Speaker 1 The Africa with the Squirtle. Squirtle's like the lowest

Speaker 1 rank of all the time. Charman, that shit.
That Squirtle the Turtle was so cute. Blastoid.
It goes Squirtle, then Bulbasaur, I think, then Blastoid. Where did Cassius Marsh finish in this tournament?

Speaker 1 That's Magic the Gathering, different tournament. My other, who's back in the news.

Speaker 1 They just do the same thing. The Bulls are back in the news because if you flip their logo upside down, it looks like a crab fucking...
Or no, a robot fucking a crab.

Speaker 1 yes oh so there's some positive news for chicago wait it their logo hey the bears are one-on-one asshole if you take the bulls logo and flip it upside down it looks like a robot banging yeah this goes viral like every five years i was gonna say it does look like it a robot fucking a crab is basically what jason witten did to the redskins this weekend in maryland

Speaker 1 uh fun fact you ready for this fun fact the chicago bulls are the only team in nba to never change their logo. That's really fun.
That's a fun fact. Great.
Maybe they should.

Speaker 1 They've never had a difference. No, there's iterations of the logo.
They've never changed it. That is fun.
Yeah. It's fun, right? Yeah.
Yeah. Things that were cool back in 1920.

Speaker 1 Said it was a fun fact. It's great today.
Fun fact. Fun fact.
It's called History.

Speaker 1 PFT, your Whoms Back. My Who's Back of the Week is Tim Tebow.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Tim Tebow.
I forgot about that. So Tim Tebow, I think he set all-time records for me in Who's Back.
He's been back probably like 70 times in the history of part of my tip. Bad Take Tim.

Speaker 1 Bad Take Tim was back on Friday. He was on First Take, or maybe Get Up with Meaning, one of those shows.

Speaker 1 And he was talking about the NCAA, and he was saying basically that the NCAA

Speaker 1 players shouldn't want to get paid. They should want to be there so that they can provide joy to the university and joy to a fan base.
And there's too much greed in this world already.

Speaker 1 And so paying the players would add to that already pre-existing condition of people wanting to get paid. Does Tim Tebow realize that not every player actually, in fact, I would say 99.999999999%

Speaker 1 percent of ncaa football players do not win a national championship as the quarterback and become like the darling for an entire state and basically have money forever because of that if tim if tim tebow drank he would never have to buy another beer in florida it's insane that he can't for one second be like hey maybe

Speaker 1 It's not sweet for everyone else. And did you see Ravel got him? Or what'd he say? He got him good.
Tim Tebow in his famous speech, like his promise speech,

Speaker 1 who's had less sex, Tim Tebow or Darren Ravel?

Speaker 1 Because you have to imagine that do we count Ravel like every time he's had sex with his wife?

Speaker 1 I think he's only had sex.

Speaker 1 You can only count by children because I think he only bangs to procreate. Yeah.
Anything else is a waste of time. And he has twins to his friend.

Speaker 1 So that's just having sex twice real fast. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So Tim Thibaut on his famous promise speech was actually wearing

Speaker 1 his logo that he was then going to make money off of as soon as he graduated from Florida. So he was already like playing

Speaker 1 himself to brand himself and make money off of himself, which goes completely hypocritical to what his whole point is. Like, you got to play for the team and just love it and love and being proud.

Speaker 1 Dude, Tim Tebow's thought process on that was essentially like 1930.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It was insane.
Listen, when Tim Tebow played at Florida, he had a team full of selfless players around him like Cam Newton, Percy Harvin,

Speaker 1 Aaron Hernandez, and Riley Cooper. Okay? So like while they were there, they were focused on one thing and that's football and that's making the fans happy.
Although

Speaker 1 I do kind of acknowledge one part of this, which is if you're a fan, if you're a die-hard Florida fan, there's probably part of it that sounds kind of cool for one of your players to have as much at stake in the team as you put into it where it's like this just because Tim Tebow is a fucking weird

Speaker 1 this guy would play for free yeah and you're a sucker if you say like I would willingly not take money if it's being offered to play by the way can we imagine what a recruiting trip must have been like for Urban Meyer to be visiting Tim Tebow and like Urban leaves the house and 30 minutes later Tim Tebow's like oh hey Coach Meyer oh yeah you left a briefcase with $30,000 and

Speaker 1 you left you left

Speaker 1 you left your briefcase here I wanted to make sure that you got it back before you got on the plane dude the NCAA NCAA conversation sucks because it's essentially either people saying that college athletes is like indentured servitude, which it's not, or people saying

Speaker 1 there is not enough money when there clearly is.

Speaker 1 Just figure it the fuck out. Yeah, figure it out.
It's one of these things.

Speaker 1 There's more than enough money, and it also is pretty, it's a pretty good deal right now if you get to, you know, being a college

Speaker 1 D1 athlete is probably sweet for other things, but they should probably get paid a little too. If you say they do get paid because they get

Speaker 1 all that stuff. His kid took a trip to Italy.
That's right, yeah. Well, then just pay him a little bit more.

Speaker 1 All right, my who's back. Unless you play for Tennessee because you're a volunteer there.
Yeah, that's in the title. That's the contract that you signed.

Speaker 1 Kind of related. My who's back, I have two of them.
My who's back is Urban Meyer, because Urban Meyer said he misses football.

Speaker 1 Oh, you think that actually could just be that? Because he's definitely going to coach.

Speaker 1 So shout out all the people who said that he actually was retiring for real this time. You're an idiot.
And then my other who's back is forgetting that baseball's on on Sundays in September. Yeah.

Speaker 1 September is like total no man's land for, and I watch probably 85% of Cubs games, but when Rizzo sprained his ankle today, I even was like, fuck, I forgot. Is he a Cubs are playing right now?

Speaker 1 Because he looked like he died. Yeah, I know.
That picture was, it was not funny, but it was funny. High ankle sprain? It was, yeah, that sucked.

Speaker 1 I mean, the Cubs are snake bitten this year, but it is one of those things where you forget. It's Sundays.
Every other day I know that the Cubs are playing, everything like that.

Speaker 1 Sundays in the fall when NFL is going on, you just kind of forget that baseball is happening.

Speaker 1 October comes back because no one forgets playoff baseball, but September, like, there's just, think about that. There's just like 15, 16 other sports games playing while NFL is going on.

Speaker 1 They should do something to try to stand out. They should like do color rush on Sundays.
They should end the season September 1st. Well, they tried to do color rush.

Speaker 1 That's how bad MLB is. They fucked up Color Rush.
Their color rush was taking away all the colors. Yeah.
Yeah. Very stupid MLB.
Okay, so let's go to our segments, including Football Guy of the Week.

Speaker 1 PFT, you got a couple things for us? Yeah, I want to talk to you guys about my friends over at Zip Recruiter.

Speaker 1 Hiring can be a slow process. We all know that.
I want to give a background about a little story here.

Speaker 1 Dylan Miskovich is a real Zip Recruiter customer who used Zip Recruiter to hire for his company, Cafe Altura. All right, so this is his testimony based on his employer's story.

Speaker 1 Cafe Altura's COO, Dylan Miskiewicz, needed to hire a director of coffee for his organic coffee company, but he was having trouble finding qualified candidates, so he switched to ZipRecruiter.

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Speaker 1 Its technology identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job so you get qualified candidates fast.

Speaker 1 Dylan posted his job on ZipRecruiter and said he was impressed by how quickly he had great candidate supply.

Speaker 1 He also used ZipRecruiter's candidate rating feature to filter his applicants so he could focus on the most relevant ones. And that's how Dylan found his new director of coffee in just a few days.

Speaker 1 With results like that, it's no wonder four out of five employees who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. See why ZipRecruiter is effective for businesses of all sizes.

Speaker 1 Try ZipRecruiter for free at our web address, ziprecruiter.com/slash pmt. That's ziprecruiter.com slash pmt.
ziprecruiter.com slash pmt, the smartest way to hire.

Speaker 1 These segments are also going to be brought to you by Peloton. I've got a Peloton bike in my living room.
I've been using it. I'm getting back in shape.
It's a New Year's resolution for.

Speaker 1 Wait, did Jewish New Year start?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, for, no, not yet. I'm told not yet, but I'm getting ahead of it.
I'm using my Peloton bike. I've been on it like 12 times in the last couple weeks.

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It fits right in my living room. I use it all the time.

Speaker 1 I don't have to worry about going to the gym if I don't have a lot of time. I use it on Friday night after we got back from an interview.
Not going to say where we were. It was someplace pretty cool.

Speaker 1 But I got back,

Speaker 1 was meeting some friends for dinner. I got on the Peloton, did a 20-minute class, got in, took a shower.
I was able to get a workout in in a time that I otherwise would not have been able to.

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Speaker 1 with $100 off accessories when you purchase the bike at onepeloton.com. Okay, let's do some segments.
First up, we got football guy of the week.

Speaker 1 So our nominees are Will Muschamp, coach of South Carolina, who after at halftime against Alabama was asked about a challenge flag or some controversial play, and he told the sideline reporter, I'm not going to comment on that.

Speaker 1 I'll get fired for the rest of my life if I comment on that, which in itself is the comment on that. And it's a crafty football guy move.
Saying, wait, was it fined? He said, Yeah, I'll get fined.

Speaker 1 I'll get fined for sorry, fined for the rest of my life if I comment on that. Okay, yeah, no, that's a great way.
It's like I'm not touching you that whole game.

Speaker 1 Yeah, essentially, I'm not going to talk about it, but here

Speaker 1 I'm so mad about it because it was so bad that I would be fined for the rest of my life if I talk about it.

Speaker 1 Here's a list of all the things that I'm not going to say, and I'll start with the most egregious violations that I'm not going to comment on.

Speaker 1 If I were to say the refs are absolute buffoons and totally fucked us over,

Speaker 1 I could say that, but I'd be then fine. So

Speaker 1 I'm not going to say that.

Speaker 1 I'm absolutely not going to say that. He strikes me as a guy that has his bedroom at home.
He just writes on it with all the things.

Speaker 1 All his grievances are just scrolled and sharpie across every wall of the house. Well, we've said it before.
He's just always, he looks like a sweaty dog.

Speaker 1 No matter what he's doing, he is just sweaty and just a mess. And just always turning like bright red.
He's got

Speaker 1 his collars.

Speaker 1 He wears golf shirts, but his collars get so fucked up that they're like, you know, when someone really wears a golf shirt and you take the couple buttons down and then the collars are so far apart.

Speaker 1 Like, how did that happen? He's got bacon neck on his polo shirt. Did you fight your shirt trying to put it on this morning? He probably does.
You got to start your day off with a little competition.

Speaker 1 What I see him doing is like almost doing the hulk. Every single time he gets pissed off.

Speaker 1 So he grabs and he starts to rip, but then he hears like his wife's voice in the back of his head like, Will, don't tear your shirts.

Speaker 1 He's like, oh, yeah, I promised her I wouldn't. All right, next up we have Bill Bill Belichick, who said, If you don't let them score, you can't lose.
That's a fact. That is a fact.

Speaker 1 That's some analysis for all the people at home.

Speaker 1 If you want to win games, don't let them score. That's going to be Big Ben's new take next week.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's just as smart as saying half the week. Wait, can we check? Did half the teams lose this week? Half the teams did lose this week.
Not yet, because we haven't had money in football. Correct.

Speaker 1 Gardner Minshew, just for being Gardner Minshew, he was looking unbelievable getting off the plane. He did his stretches in his thong beforehand, confirmed in an NFL locker room.
Jockstrap. Jockstrap.

Speaker 1 So yeah, Gardner Minshew, just being Gardner Minshew gets him on Football Guy of the Week. And then last one, Andrew Yang, who is running for president, correct? Yes.

Speaker 1 And he said, why would the Democrats have a Democratic debate or Democrat debate on a night where there's football? Because aren't what did he say, football? Something like voters watch football too.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Which is a fact.
Fact. Yeah.
And I mean, I would say that it's probably better to do it then because then, like, you can't, no one can say, hey, you're an idiot.

Speaker 1 Or no one can watch while Joe Biden's teeth fall out of his mouth. Right.

Speaker 1 So there's a lot to be gained by burying yourself underneath a football broadcast because you're not going to lose the presidency in this debate.

Speaker 1 Or you're not going to win the presidency in a Thursday night debate, but you can definitely lose it if enough people are watching it.

Speaker 1 And so, yeah, if you've got pink eye, if you've been eating ass, or you had your lower dentures fall out into your wife's butthole, then it would be a bad thing for people to see you on live TV.

Speaker 1 Andrew Yang is a football guy, though.

Speaker 1 I think he's got the turnover chain except for taking your guns. Yep.
You're like, and a huge SNL fan. A big SNL guy.

Speaker 1 He's a big universal basic income guy, too. Oh, I don't know.
So it's like a salary cap for America. So everybody gets $1,000 a month.
Oh, which

Speaker 1 when I interviewed him, I told him, like, if you gave me $1,000 a month, I would spend it on the most ridiculous shit. I'd hand it to my boss.
Exactly. I would just sport.

Speaker 1 I would bet a lot more on sports, and I would buy multiple situations. Yes, it would be great.

Speaker 1 What if it was what if universal basic income, if you meant like basic bitches? Like every month,

Speaker 1 I'm going to get everyone gets pumpkin spice lattes and boots and boots.

Speaker 1 All right, so vote for Football Guy of the Week. We'll try to get them on.
We're going to put up the poll tomorrow, so vote for it.

Speaker 1 Next up, actually, I have breaking moose.

Speaker 1 Breaking moves. I'm losing the high retina.
Breaking moves. I think I'm finally becoming a man.
The lines have been released

Speaker 1 for week three. 13 and a half.
Guess that line. We should actually do that.
Guess that line? That's a good idea for us. We'll do that.
Write that down. We should do that for a whole show.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You got any, like,

Speaker 1 any relatives we could do with? Guess that line. Any cousins?

Speaker 1 No, actually, shout out those guys. They're good.
Yeah. I actually love Sal

Speaker 1 and Bill. All right.
Well, I mean, love's actually a strong word. I respect him.
I mean, he is the godfather of podcasting. I don't know why we got down this road.
All right. Anyway,

Speaker 1 guess that line? You want to fuck him, too? For

Speaker 1 Dallas, Miami. It's so weird when you finish on my history, Kat.
13 and a half. Dallas, Miami? Yeah.

Speaker 1 16 and a half. 20 and a half.
I told you, the Dolphins are going to break records. I'm going to take the Dolphins.

Speaker 1 The Dolphins are going to break records this year with how ridiculous those lines are. Oh, yeah.
Finns up. Finns up.
There we go. That's win number one against the spread on the season.
The and Jets.

Speaker 1 That's disrespectful to the Patriots. The Patriots and Jets? There you go, Hank.
Yeah, that is. Do your pod.
Get it, Hank. Patriots and Jets.

Speaker 1 13 and a half. At Jets.

Speaker 1 Patriots at Jets. 10 and a half.

Speaker 1 10 and a half. Oh, no, no, no, no.
Sorry. It's in New England.
Ooh.

Speaker 1 We are literally doing a half.

Speaker 1 15 and a half. I agree with Hank.
17 and a half. Okay.
We won't do any others. No, Hank, you're right.
That is disrespectful. That's crazy.
Add fuel to the fire.

Speaker 1 Bears minus six and a half at Washington. Yeah, there you go.
That seems about right. That breaking moves is brought to you by Charlotte Mug for recovery.
That tastes real good.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Let's do respect the biz for the Washington Redskins because they have the worst press box in the world.

Speaker 1 As Ed Werter pointed out, amongst several other correspondents that were in D.C. for this game,

Speaker 1 it's just stuck in a corner and it's constructed. It's underneath an awning.

Speaker 1 So, Snyder, you should be thankful that Snyder gives that seat to you for free because Snyder usually makes you pay $80 to $100 to sit behind a cement pillar. Which, by the way,

Speaker 1 those obstructed view seats should actually be going for more than the seats where you can get a clear view of the Redskins sucking ass every week. Yeah, he's doing you a favor.
He is.

Speaker 1 That's actually an amenity at FedEx field. Yeah, you don't have to see what's going on.

Speaker 1 They should just give you a seat where you get punched in the face until you black out and don't get to watch any of the game and you forget that it even happened.

Speaker 1 And then somebody steals all your clothes off you so you don't look like a loser wearing Redskins gear. Just shut up and like your Diet Coke.
It's free. Probably not, actually.
It's probably not free.

Speaker 1 It's probably not. It's probably not free.
Well, it is, but it's just expired by 10 years.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's finish up with our Monday reading.

Speaker 1 This one is from the New York Post, and it is called What It's Like to Be Married to

Speaker 1 Complete Psycho Skip Bayless. And

Speaker 1 it's by Ernestine Bayless. That's right.
She's written a book. We are members of the Urnhive on this show.
Here's a crazy thing.

Speaker 1 They look alike. Yeah, yeah.
It's very bizarre.

Speaker 1 I needed her to

Speaker 1 look much more like an old bag. Like, I was hoping it was going to be a little bit of a skill.
No, she's attractive. She's attractive, but she looks like Skip Bayless.

Speaker 1 As attractive as Skip Bayless could be

Speaker 1 as a woman, that's Ernestine. And I love it because Skip saw her, and it was like, I don't know what it is about this woman, but I'm absolutely drawn to her.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And it was because she looks just like him.

Speaker 1 So there's a little backstory. They do a little flex where it's like what Bayless is describing is how he watches games in he and his wife's 5,000 square foot condo that has three rooms, seven TVs.

Speaker 1 Cool flex. But anyway, so we're going to get to the good stuff here.
So when Skip met Ernestine 14 years ago, this is where we pick up. That's it? Yeah, and they actually were engaged.

Speaker 1 They dated for 11 years and then got married three years ago. They've only been, yeah.

Speaker 1 You think Ernestine?

Speaker 1 You think Ernestine? You think that they've been married for 63 years? Yes. And Skip's only like 65.

Speaker 1 Okay, so

Speaker 1 when they met and they were like courting each other, this sounds very romantic. Skip said, I told her I'm married to my job.
I always have been. And I had this weird feeling this could go somewhere.

Speaker 1 I told her, if it ever does, you'll always be A or one A to my job. She hates me telling that story, but it's the God's truth.

Speaker 1 At least I divulged myself up front, which I think she grudgingly appreciated. Cool.
Like I said, love is not dead. No, I like it.
Skip and Ernestine. I like that.
At least he was being honest.

Speaker 1 I mean, if you're getting into a relationship with Skip Bayless, there's probably a lot of things you need to know ahead of time, but you definitely need to know that at any given moment, Skip might just flip out and start ranting about LeBron, James, Kawhi, Leonard, or Tim Tebow.

Speaker 1 Yeah. All right.
So

Speaker 1 for this story, she emailed the post to promote her new quick read book titled Balls: How to Keep Your Relationship Alive When You Live with a Sports Obsessed Guy. This is a parody book title.

Speaker 1 I love it. Balls.
We got to get Ernestine on the show. Balls.
1.5. Balls.

Speaker 1 I can't believe she beat Mike Greenberg's wife to this. 1.8 balls.
Like, that's the upset of the century, isn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 This should be written by Mike Greenberg. Well, I don't think that she would use balls as a title.
She would have like testies. Yeah, no, tukases.

Speaker 1 The thing around the other side of the tukas. Yeah, scrotum tukases.
All right, so

Speaker 1 Ernestine says, we don't have a moderator who lives in the house. Hilarious.
Get it? Because they always moderate on the, you know.

Speaker 1 She says they do not argue all the time, but she also fits her life around his games and his 2 a.m. weekday wake-up calls.

Speaker 1 Though they sleep in separate rooms during the week, his treadmill workouts can be heard from her bed.

Speaker 1 She wrestles to fall back asleep, but always rises a little before 4 to see Skip to the door and wish him luck in his verbal TV battles with Shannon Sharp.

Speaker 1 This is really, truly romantic. She makes sure their afternoons are set up so Skip does not miss anything in sports.

Speaker 1 Sports in his veins, Ernestine said. If you cut him, little footballs and basketballs will come out.
That's pretty sweet. Skip is a sports guy.
Skip doesn't miss a game. Skip sounds like this.

Speaker 1 This is like a children's book. I feel like Skip wrote this.
Meet Skip. He loves sports.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think Skip wrote this paragraph. And this is the most endearing version of Skip.
I like that they sleep in different beds

Speaker 1 during the week. During the weeks.
Meaning on weekends. It's fucking

Speaker 1 like your long-distance girlfriend and college visits. We're talking like some walls are getting blown out.
Think about that for a second. If it's a weekend, Skip Bayless is fucking Ernestine.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is it Friday past five o'clock on the West Coast? Because right now, Skip is balls deep.

Speaker 1 And one of Ernestine's various orifices

Speaker 1 are crevices.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Good for them. It seems like

Speaker 1 they have a relationship that seems unconventional, but it works for them. There's probably a lot of times when they're trying to fuck.

Speaker 1 Maybe if this is like round eight or nine on the weekend, she's like, what's the matter, Skip? You can't get it up. And he's like, it's just a damn Mason Crosby field goal.

Speaker 1 God damn it, Mason Crossbar. It shouldn't have gone in.
It started out going to the left and then turned to the right.

Speaker 1 All right, so when they started dating Ernestine's mother, Evelyn told, Are these people just all named like from the 19th century?

Speaker 1 Ernestine and Evelyn told her she had to make a decision about these games. Is he worth it, she said.
She decided yes.

Speaker 1 14 years later, she wrote the book to try to help others deal with significant others who are addicted to sports. Or as Skip puts it, a bit nuts about games.
I lose it, said Skip. I'm a psycho.

Speaker 1 I vent. I say words that I can't repeat, that I'm ashamed I say.
Gosh darn it. Gosh darn it.
Kawhi's good. Yeah.
This LeBron guy is not that bad.

Speaker 1 But it's Jinx's where Skip is completely psycho, in his words. Everything has to be just right because he evidently has cosmic powers.

Speaker 1 I believe in God, but I also believe in Jinx's, said Bayless, answering a question that did not include God in it.

Speaker 1 That's such a good thing. Andrew Marshawn is so good at this.
He's like a little subtle dig.

Speaker 1 It turns out last year during the AFC Championship game, when Tom Brady was intercepted in the end zone by the Chiefs Reggie Ragland, it was caused by Ernestine ruining Skip Zen.

Speaker 1 Brady did that because she stuck her head in to ask me about something that was completely irrelevant. Skip said of Ernestine asking about a letter he had received.

Speaker 1 This is crazy that all of, like, think about this, Hank. Brady's goat status is literally all because of Skip Bayless.
Yeah. The guy behind the guy.

Speaker 1 It's because, yeah, whenever Tom Brady is playing well, it means that Ernestine is far away from Skip Bay. Yeah, that Ernestine's staying in her bedroom where she belongs.

Speaker 1 There are at least two doors in between myself and Ernestine when Tom Brady's playing. Her fuse can be shorter than mine, and we had a battle all night long.
We kissed and made up.

Speaker 1 I'm going to add this and went to their separate bedrooms. We kissed and made up at the end of the night.
I said, I'm sorry, but it is just a Jinx rule that you have to honor.

Speaker 1 This is truly psychotic.

Speaker 1 Do you think Skip in the middle of the night feels a little bit randy sometimes? Makes walk tiptoes down the hallway and knocks on Ernestine's door. Right before his treadmill workout? Yeah.

Speaker 1 They usually honor Friday nights as date night, unless there's a particularly big game. It's all about compromise, Ernestine said.
I don't think it.

Speaker 1 yeah, I guess. I mean, it sounds like a lot of compromising coming from you.
You both people. We both agreed to compromise with Skip.
We both agreed to, yeah, sleep in different bedrooms.

Speaker 1 She has learned to make it work, which is the point of her book. She has the greatest thing.
She's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, Skip said.

Speaker 1 I get emotional about it because she's so real, so true, and so loyal. I don't know anyone who could put up with me, but she has from day one.

Speaker 1 We're not just good together, we are great together. Damn.
That's so sweet. Love, baby.
That's so sweet. Love.

Speaker 1 And I love how also this is like a story about Ernestine's book, and she's quoted like three times, and it's just all Skip Bayless's quotes. Well, they know what sells that they know the sizzle.

Speaker 1 That's agree. They agreed that Skip would do the interview for Ernestine.
Yeah, they compromised and said that Skip would give all the quotes for this one.

Speaker 1 I think a little theory I'm throwing out there: Skip has a second family with Stephen A. Smith during the week.
Yeah. That's why he makes her stay away from him and sleep in a separate bedroom.

Speaker 1 I also like that we have like a whole story,

Speaker 1 a whole book that was written to explain why Skip Bayless is a psychopath. It's like, we didn't need the book.
We knew.

Speaker 1 We looked at his Twitter. Although in Skip Bayless's mind,

Speaker 1 this book serves to humanize him a little bit. That's true.
It's like anyone, it does give me hope. If Skip Bayless can find love, anyone can find love.
That's true. That's true.

Speaker 1 A man who, if you cut him, balls will fall out. Balls pop out.
Yeah. Just balls everywhere.

Speaker 1 It's like opening up a bag at gym class in third grade. Balls everywhere.
Yeah. God bless him.
Yeah. Okay.
I would watch a Skip Bayless sex tape, though. Oh, for sure.
Let's be honest.

Speaker 1 They both are in very good shape. Yeah, watching those two?

Speaker 1 That's like one, the first thing you would want for watching a sex tape.

Speaker 1 They should absolutely do one where he's on the couch watching a game and she pokes her head in. He's like, not now.
Tom Brady's playing. My cowboys are trailing in the fourth quarter.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And she does a little strip tease. The sex tape doesn't actually involve any sex at all.
It's just her trying to initiate sex, getting naked, and Skip Bayless ignoring her.

Speaker 1 and then her going back into a room with an 8x10 of Steven A. Smith.

Speaker 1 All right, that's our show. We'll see everyone Wednesday.
Huge guest. Bigger than Gronk.
Very big. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Love you guys.

Speaker 1 of faith.

Speaker 1 Drink on me.

Speaker 1 Sparky, some little way.

Speaker 1 Slowly learning life is okay.

Speaker 1 Say I'll me.

Speaker 1 Life's the better to be safe. I'm sorry.
To be safe, I'm sorry. You can save them sorry.

Speaker 1 Life's the better to be safe. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 You are things I've got to remember. I'll be shy and away.

Speaker 1 I'll be coming for you anyway.

Speaker 1 Love me coming for you anyway.

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 time.

Speaker 1 It's Pardon My Take presented by Bar School Sports.