NFL Week 1, Fastest 2 Minutes, Recap Of Every Game + Football Guy Of The Week

Hey, Pardon My Take listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.
On today's Pardon My Take, week one recap. The fastest two minutes are coming up, and we have no guest.
Is this the first time we've done no guest? Ever? I think we did it right after the Masters when we just got started. That's right.
Yeah right so a throwback but here's the deal we're going to and i'll actually explain it once we start the show but we have no guests we're going to do all football all the time we're going to whip around the whole league we got to talk about college football we got some segments we got who's back we got a packed show and it's going to start with the fastest two minutes we're going to get right back back to the show. Roundup Dual Action Products rock like a hardcore metal band.
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Okay, let's go. Boy! Boy! Now in the street there is violence And then I love to start work to be done No place to hang out or wash in And then I can't leave all on the sun Oh no, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'll take it higher Oh, we're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue It's Pardon My Tip, presented by Bar School Sports Welcome to Pardon My Tip, presented by the Cash App Go download it right now Use code Bar School.
$5 for free. $5 to ASPCA.
Today is Monday, September 9th. Week 1.
What? What? What? We start in North Carolina. Come on, raise up.
Take your shirt off. Twist around your head.
Spin it around like a heligopter. Sean McVape called the jewel of a game and had the clout, while Eric Weddle had all the drip with more blood on his face than Patrick Chung after a long weekend in New Hampshire.
Christian, buy one, get one, McCaffrey had two TDs, and Ron Jeremy Rivera scored but couldn't finish as the Pussycats were the ones that got rammed. Rams 30, Panthers 27.
Some spread. In Cleveland Town, where the Super Bowl champ Browns took the field against the Titans with a guillotine ready to drop on Mike Vrabel's manhood.
Freddy Kitchen Nightmares was absolutely chubbish, mate, isn't it? With the Browns unable to get the running game going and the offense overall didn't have enough juice landry. Mayfield could only muster up a baker's dozen points despite the fact that Odell Beckham had enough carrots on his wrist to make this game a piece of cake.
Dirk Henry Hill and Marcus Ray Liotta were good fellas as they lift hands a heist and all the joy from the upstart problems. Titans 43, Browns 13.
What's going on with the Raiders? To Florida, where the stud thoroughbred with a Lombardi trophy hanging between his legs. Nick Foles had to be shot after a first quarter injury.
Sammy's sweetheart Watkins proved that you never find love at the Jacksonville shore as the Jags have to hit the Jim Tan bath salts in order to compete with the AFC's best. Oof! Doug Marone.
Miles. Jacked up.
Got kicked out of the game for acting like someone called him a Fredo in the backyard of DJs in Belmar. The league MVP, Patrick Mahomes, had 378 yards and three touchdowns and an impressive win.
For more from Patrick, we take it down to Patrick. Patrick.
You know, I thought we played pretty well down there. Shady, he's the real McCoy.
You see, I don't look past. I threw him up into the third row.
That one was my bad. That's on me, but it's pretty heckin' tough to keep your eyes on Travis Kelsey when you got all them Jacks fans up there in the pool wearing their niftiest dungarees.
Man, I was tickled pink to see Garner Minshew and his little flavor-saber mustache there. Can't even begin to tell you how much ketchup I'd get caught in that little womb room if I had one.
Hey, hey, Patrick, you got some Heinz 57 stuck on your lip? Heck yeah, I do. I'm saving myself a little bit for a midnight snack.
Thanks, Patrick. Chiefs 40, Jaguars 26.
We stay in Florida where once upon a time in Hollywood Brown was sprinting Tarantino through the Dolphins defense with great footwork. And Lamar Samuel L.
Jackson asked, do you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Miami? A 50 burger. As the quarterback didn't look like a bitch or a wide receiver on Sunday.
Shout out Bill Pulley. The bastard child of Kill Bill Belichick, Brian Flores, had an inglorious debut, and the film session will surely be lit like a flamethrower, as not even the bear Jew Josh Rosen could save this movie from turning into a remake of The Cove.
Japanese Fisherman 59, Dolphins 10. What happened to the dolphins, boom? They could go up! Oh, never mind.
In San Diego, where Marlon's man mac stood out on television as a star of the show and ty quilton stayed hot despite blanket coverage melvin gordon bombay was directed to stay away from his team but that didn't stop phil rivers from throwing three mighty ducks to the end zone he's getting there switching back and forth between keenan ray Ray Allen and Austin Eckler. The Colts are shit out of luck as they fall in overtime.
30-24. Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! In the Meadowlands, where Frank Al Gore grounded the Jets due to their excessive carbon emissions, Sam was much too young to feel this darn old for a second-year player.

Le'Veon, saved by the Bell, screeched back into the NFL,

but the Jets did the least a turtle down the stretch, losing a game late in the fourth, and Teej, no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills. Bell 17, Jets 16.
Up to the Pacific Northwest where Louis C.K. Metcalf was really feeling himself.
But it was a Seattle defense that was able to zip up the Red Rocket to seal the victory. Zach Efron Taylor's coaching debut ended up extremely wicked, shockingly evil, and vile.
And the new-look Bengals are the same old bungles as they fall late to the Seahawks. 21-20.
He's matriculating the ball down the field. To the great white north where Dalvin Cookie Monster was eating up yards.
Left and right, me want touchdown. Me want lots of carrots.
Me want make everyone happy. Otherwise, my coach, Andy Reid, will take my cookie.
Above average, Kirk Cousins lit it up, going 8 for 10 for 98 yards, and finally got a win against a 500 team, the 0-0 Atlanta Falcons. Vikings 28, Dirty Birds 12.
Standing on the corner, Jameis Winston, Tampa, Florida, Such a fine sight to see. It's a QB, my lord, leaving our jaws on the floor.
Throwing passes to the Niners DBs. Arians can't fix this.
You love pig sixes. Your tiny hands in suspect morons won't sell tickets.
49ers 31, Buccaneers 17. Hit the cannon, Teej.
In the big D where Dak Prescott Van Pelt is making Jerry Jones look like a huge penis for not giving him that big extension. Jason Quentin escaped to John Wilkes' Monday Night Football booth

before being assassinated,

scoring a 69th career touchdown in style with the robot dance.

Everybody do the robot.

Everybody do the robot pool.

Domo arigato, Mr. Footballo.

Randall Cobb's salad was shaking and bacon,

making the New York secondary look like blue Swiss cheese.

And what else can you say

about Eli Manning but

Cowboys 35

the New York football Giants

17. And we're back.

It feels so good to be back.

Feels great to be back. Week 1.
Almost in the books we still got two monday night games which they always should have two monday night games but we don't have to get mad about that because we have all the football in front of us it was a glorious week one we have a special part of my take we're doing something new this fall we're gonna try it out so let us know what you think we love uh feedback we love you know getting feedback and and fixing the show and doing things for the show to make it better for you so if you really like this one just tell us suck my dick yeah no no no don't do that don't do that no guests maybe uh on today's show because we are going to focus on football and football only we will maybe have guests on mondays if uh something big happens or we have a huge guest that we have to get out in a timely fashion, but we're going to give this a shot. Really, the guest is the spirit of football on this show.
Yeah, and also the fact that we're so narcissistic that we think that we know more about football than any guest that we could have on. Well, here's the honest truth of it.
We figured that when we have guests on Mondays, usually we feel like we didn't get to talk about all the games the way we wanted to and then we dropped like a two-hour podcast and we feel like that was that's a burden on you so we're going to give you all the football all you want let us know what you think also if you want to watch us pardon my take uh gold barstoolgold.com slash pmt hi hi hi so let's do it so here's what we're going to do if you have any any negative feedback about this show, the person who's in charge of that is All Business Pete. Yes.
So make sure to direct it at him. And he's got the new NHL codes.
That's so cool. He's got the NHL Xbox One and PlayStation 4 codes.
Ask him for those codes. That's pretty great.
And the FIFA codes coming out. Okay, so here's what we're going to do.
We're going to whip around the league. We're going to touch on every game.
We're going to overreact because that's the best part about week one.

My favorite part about week one is whatever you see,

that is what's going to happen for the rest of the year,

even though we have years and years of evidence that that's not the case,

but that's how our brains work.

Yeah, absolutely.

I think if you don't overreact and you're not really reacting in this league.

Yeah.

So perfect team, perfect game to start with our overreactions, Titans browns yes the browns stink they stink uh the titans it looks like mike brable is going to have to chop his dick off because the titans defense looked as good as any team any very good in the league well here's the thing with the browns all the hype all the talk and we're baker guys and i actually do believe the browns are going to fine, but the one thing we kind of forgot with all this hype, oh, they have Odell, oh, Freddie Kitchen is a Baker whisperer, oh, Baker's going to be unbelievable. Having an offensive line is actually important in the NFL.
It does help because the Browns offensive line stinks, and then Greg Robinson got kicked out for kicking a player in the face. There are two problems with the Browns.
One is the offensive line, I think. The second is the burden of having expectations.
Yes. And that is a city that does not know what to do with expectations.
And to be honest, I don't blame them. Coming from a fan base in the Washington R-Words that never has expectations, you get confused sometimes when you think you're in love, right, and you overreact to things and you start making plans for the future.
We need to slow down a little bit in Cleveland. That's okay.
Baker had his game where you know what he's doing? He's putting a little food in Colin Coward's dish. Oh, fuck you, coward.
Hey, Cal, go ahead. You eat up for a little bit.
You get one week of nourishment. It sucks that Coward is just smiling ear to ear and he's like, oh, I got my whole show set up.
Here's the thing. The one thing I will say about the Browns fans, okay? Browns fans, don't do what you've been doing.
I've seen it on Twitter where you say, well, it's the Browns, and no one really thought they were going to be that good. No, you did.
Don't be ashamed of it. We are a pro-Browns podcast.
We have your back. It's okay to have high expectations and have them just completely flame out in the first week.
It's a long season. I do think that this is a case of like we talked all offseason about the Browns.
The Browns continue to say it's okay. We don't buy in our own hype.
You kind of did. And you know how I know you did? You had 18 penalties for 182 yards.
It's not great. That is a team that bought their hype because you have those type of games where everything goes wrong and you basically shoot yourself in the foot over and over.
That, to me, means it's a team that thought they could just roll out the helmets and kick the shit out of the Titans. Yeah.
No, I agree. One other thing from that game that I thought was laugh-out-loud funny was just the visual of Jim Nance showing up in Cleveland.
Just Jim Nance walking around Cleveland. Dude, how weird was that? And he hated it there.
It was obvious that he didn't like the Browns. He didn't like the city.
He probably went through like six bottles of Purell just walking around. Just like doused.
He took showers and hand sanitizer the entire weekend. He was making fun of Freddy Kitchens for being a former used car salesman.
It's like Jim Nance, you golf every single day. You drive a golf cart that's basically a used car that you're puttering around in all the time that is the perfect encapsulation of the browns hype the

fact that they sent jim nance and tony romo there week one and i think browns fans were even shocked

like wait what this is yeah okay this is uncomfortable um odell's watch do you like

it or no a kid to leave his guy be licking his lips just like that holy shit like that it was

worth two hundred thousand dollars uh yeah it was yeah 250 or something then like 500 jesus christ

I think it's... licking his lips just like holy shit like that it was worth two hundred thousand dollars uh yeah it was yeah 250 or something then like 500 jesus christ i can't wait till it smashes on the sideline uh freddy kitchen will prop no actually no i don't think he'll do anything i think he saw antonio brown stuff which we're gonna get to we get to all that but uh the other thing i i wrote down was i am now making a new rule new New rule.
I just came up with the phrase new rule. Whenever Mike Vrabel is underestimated, bet on him.
I feel like this happens. Every single time the Titans stink.
Their offense is boring. Marcus Mariota isn't the guy.
They did it last year when they played the Patriots. I feel like Mike Vrabel is a perfect guy who can get his team up for games like that.
Yeah, and Derrick Henry played really well. And my other takeaway from that was when Derrick Henry runs with the ball for long distances, he looks like he has to go to the shitter.
He's got this little fat guy waddle to him, but he goes fast. He's like a fat guy with the most explosive diarrhea that you've ever seen in your life.
So in the long run, he's actually pretty quick, but he does not run like a fast guy. The good news for the Browns.
We'll end the Browns Titans with this. Good news for Browns fans.
Your next game won't be on national television in front of everyone. Wait, wait, who are they playing? Playing the Jets on Monday Night Football.
Okay. Well, at least it's the Jets.
That's going to be. Loser leaves town.
Circle it. Circle it.
Baker's undefeated against the Jets Circle it

Wait is Baker healthy?

He had a pretty much broken hand afterwards

He's healthy

No I'm not going to do that

As a Baker guy he's going to fix it

The problem might be where he is

Cleveland

You got off all your jokes

Didn't you?

No I'm just saying

Maybe I need to leave my wallet

At whatever their stadium is. Next game we're doing, Ravens-Dolphins.
Yikes. Yikes.
Yikes. Yikes is the best way to put it.
Lamar Jackson is the new Joe Flacco, and not in the fact that he's better than Joe Flacco, but in the fact that everyone sees what they want to see with lamar jackson so when lamar jackson does well the victory laps people were taking on twitter was obscene and if he does poorly the next game the victory laps that people will say that he's not really a good quarterback good passing quarterback will be obscene he's in his second year and played what like eight games or nine games right he had an unreal game, five touchdowns, 17 for Troy. They kept on just going to red zone, and it was just a wide-open guy, usually Hollywood Brown, scoring for the Ravens.
I can't remember a game quite like this where it was like a college game. Well, you can't.
I don't think that you can watch this game and say that Lamar Jackson isn't a good passer. No, he was very good, but the Dolphins' defense was horrendous.
Right, that's true, but he was a good passer. Correct.
He was hitting long throws, short throws. He was hitting the intermediate, the touch passes.
I know what you're saying in that it will always be a litmus test. It'll be week to week.
For how he does. Right.
He has one bad throw, and people will be like, see, I told you. And then he has one great throw.
It's like, oh my God, look at at this throw but also the ravens adapted their offense this offseason by finally signing somebody that can play wide receiver yes which helps which is something nothing that they've ever done in the history of the ravens i'm just saying that this is lamar jackson the the uh the like twitter dialogue is insufferable both ways can we say it's toxic both ways it's so fucking annoying let's just watch this guy play, and we can make an assessment maybe when he plays 16 games in the NFL. But he was unbelievable.
The concern at this point is, can he do enough with his legs? Is he fast enough? Is he a good enough running quarterback? Or is he just like one of those statue guys that goes back there and carves you up? It's a good question. The Dolphins.
Yes. Your Dolphins.
Your Miami Dolphins. First of all, I feel bad for Josh Rosen.
I don't think – I think Josh Rosen will, when his career is done, will look back and be like, that guy had the worst situations possible. He got in and gave us a Josh Rosen stat line.
One for three, five yards. I love that he managed to squeeze that one in there for us.
We needed it. But your Miami Dolphins, your seven win Miami Dolphins.
Seven to nine, yeah. You said they'd win seven games.
We'll get to 59 to 10. Find me seven games.
Let me just say about the Dolphins real quick. They've never fully recovered from Bobby Petrino.
We are still living in the wake of Bobby Petrino. Once he fucks you over, if you're a football team, if you're a woman, you're going to be left with some incurable disease for at least the next 15 years.
that's how the guy works the dolphins are still reeling from that if they do go oh and 16 i'd like to make a motion that everybody every player in the nfl gets a smash a bottle of dom perignon on mercury morris's pelvis i think if they go oh and 16 you should have to get an oh and 16 dolphins tattoo because you said they're going to win seven games. On my stomach? Yes.
Unforgotten, undefeated? Yes. Find me seven wins.
Okay, all right. Let me look at the schedule real quick.
They are so fucking bad. Okay, so the Dolphins can still get...
I'm not done with this take yet. Next week, Patriots at Dolphins.
Okay, that's easy. Dolphins always manage to win a game against the Patriots.
Right, Hank? Always happens. Okay, so that's one.
Then they go to the Cowboys. That's probably a loss.
Just give me the wins. We know the losses.
Okay, Chargers at Dolphins. Chargers are going east.
Yeah, there you go. That's nice.
Redskins at Dolphins. Yeah, I'm going to take the Dolphins on that one too.
Okay. At the Bills, probably not.
Going through the list here. Just give me the wins.
At the Steelers, it's going to be an Antonio Brown revenge game because he'll be traded to the Dolphins by then. Yep.
So that's another one. They're going to beat the Jets at home.
They're going to beat three. Maybe that one of them is talking about the Patriots who might not lose a game this year.
They're going to beat the Eagles at home. Again, going east.
Also, here's what I'm forgetting. Ryan Fitzpatrick.
The great part about Ryan Fitzpatrick, he's played on so many teams that he has so many revenge games built into every schedule that he has. So let's see.
Jets, revenge game. Boom, there's one.
Bills, twice. Revenge game.
There's two more right off the top of my head. Ryan Fitzpatrick officially threw a touchdown.
When he threw his touchdown for the Dolphins today, he's thrown a touchdown for one quarter of the league that was the first that it's an unbelievable stat only ryan fitzpatrick could do that he also had uh what is it interception for a different team as well so it's most all times for any quarterback okay i'll make it real simple for you uh two wins against the bills two wins against the jets for the revenge games uh the patriots because even revenge games. The Patriots, because...
Even in joking manner, you can't find seven wins. They always beat them.
Bengals, revenge game. The Browns, because the Browns will have already locked up the No.
1 seed by November 24th. There you go.
Boom. Seven wins.
Seven wins for my Dolphins. Oh, and good news for the Dolphins.
The locker room is now saying that they all want to be traded. Every single one of them.
There's a big mutiny

going on. Literally every single one of them wants to be

traded. Yeah, why not?

The thing is, I was actually going through the

Dolphins roster, and my general

rule of thumb is as many

players on a team as you can name within

five seconds, that's

typically as many wins as they'll have that season.

Kigo Alonzo, Ryan Fitzpatrick,

Josh Rosen. There you go.
Three wins. Three and 13.
Okay. There we go.
R7 and 9. All right.
Next game. I fucking hate the Falcons.
I'm done with the Falcons. I fucking hate the Falcons.
You can't quit. They're the most frustrating team I've ever watched, ever bet on.
I bet on them pretty much every single week because every single week I'm like, Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, Calvin Ridley, Devontae Freeman. If you can name the same principle, you can name all these offensive stars and they fucking suck and they do the same thing every time.
The red zone flips to the Falcons. They're going in for a touchdown and then they either fumble or get stuffed on a third down.
They are so fucking bad. It's not even Sarkeesian anymore.

It's not even Sarkeesian anymore.

The only time I want to see the Falcons on red zone

is when Mohamed Sanu is throwing a pass.

That's the only time they ever score.

They're the most frustrating team in the world.

If you're a Falcons fan, I feel bad for you.

And I don't even know.

I mean, I have to be done with them.

I have to go to rehab to quit betting on the Falcons. It's basically the Seahawks after they lost to the Patriots.
It's true. Cut his mic off.
Also, yeah, go ahead. It's true, though.
Well, it's a little bit true. It's extremely true.
Let's not take anything away from the Vikings, though, because the Vikings looked awesome, and not only do they have a running back in Dalvin Cook, who was phenomenal, but they figured out the key to Kirk Cousins. Don't let him actually play quarterback.
He only threw 10 passes. Kirk Cousins is 1-0 lifetime when throwing for under 100 yards.
8 for 10, 98 yards. I love it.
Less is more with him. That's how Kirk Cousins is.
And listen, he is the perfect quarterback in this situation for Mike Zimmer.

Mike Zimmer would rather not even have players.

He'd rather just go out on a field, get angry for a couple hours,

do some red bang, and then walk off the field with a win.

I don't think he likes anybody that he coaches.

He just likes outcomes.

And with Kirk Cousins, the less you can play for Mike Zimmer,

the happier he's going to be with you. It's so perfect that that was a convincing win for the Vikings.
Then you looked up Kirk Cousins' stats. You're like, wait, what? He threw 10 times? Yep.
Oh, actually, the key for Kirk Cousins is to make sure that the quarterback doesn't play quarterback. Exactly.
I like that. That is the God's honest truth for the best of Vikings.
I think the defense is pretty good. No, they look – they are one of those classic teams that two years ago,

they obviously had a phenomenal season, and then they – what was that year?

Oh, no, no, no.

They won the Minnesota Miracle, obviously.

Yeah, and then they got Kirk Cousins.

And then they got the shit kicked out of them by the Eagles.

And it felt like all of last year was a hangover.

And then the roster is kind of the same.

They have all this talent, and so now it's a new year, fresh. fresh don't let kirk cousins throw the ball even though he's your quarterback and dalvin cook is healthy and do the whole thing last year was an entire hangover that that comes along with having the human hangover of kirk cousins on your team he's just around like a here's he is a perfect analogy for a hangover because at the end he'll like kind of wake you up a little bit, usually towards the end of games, and be like, okay, this isn't so bad.

I got through it.

And then you start feeling sick again.

You're like, fuck, I need a cheeseburger or something.

The best thing that Kirk Cousins has ever done is that game where he said,

you like that, which is the most Kirk Cousins catchphrase of all time.

And the reason why that was a big deal was because he went down like 21-0 in the first three quarters and then came back and won 24-21. All right, Bills-Jets.
Josh Allen's awesome. Yeah, that's about it.
That's all I got for that game. The Bills actually dominated this game from a statistical standpoint, but they just turned the ball over a shitload.
I'll say this. Josh Allen had the best four-turnover performance that you can have as a quarterback.
Yeah, so our friend Warren Sharp had a stat. In three turnovers, when a team is minus three in turnovers and one of those turnovers is a return for a touchdown, they were 0-18 last year.
In all time, it's like a 2% win probability. So that just means Josh Allen defies all odds.
Well, also, their kicker on the Jets, It's going to be an issue. Pray for Mike Greenberg.
That's all I'm going to say. Mike Greenberg did the ultimate thing where he was online today, complaining about the jets after the game.
He said, this will be the last thing that I say about the jets. And then he stepped away for like 30 minutes and then he just can't help himself and go back at it.
So jets super triggered. If you're listening, Carly Lloyd's out there.
Are you worried about these two behemoths in the AFC East, Hank? They looked awesome. I would be.
The thing that makes it easier is that Josh Allen seems like he's running out of the pocket and just getting smoked by linebackers every single time he drops back. So, what is that? I'm worried about his health.
I'm worried about his health, the way he was playing quarterback. He just wins.
He was playing reckless. This, by the way, is going to be every single Bills game.
The only stat that counts is Josh Allen got a W. That's no true.
Trust me. I want Josh Allen to do good.
I'm just saying I'm concerned for his health. The Bills are going to be that team.
Their defense is awesome, and they somehow find a way to win games. I actually do think they could go 8-8, and just every win is in this fashion fashion where it's ugly, gross, but they figured out a way to do it.
And Frank Gore, too. Frank Gore is big balls.
His balls are built for Buffalo weather. I'm saying that.
You talk about one of those snow games in early December up in Buffalo. The only person that's going to have visible external balls in that game is going to be Frank Gore.
His balls will shrink to normal size. Absolutely.
I'll just say this because Jets fans will get mad. The game did change when C.J.
Mosley went out. Eagles, you're our words.
Yes. You start.
Case Keenum. Case Keenum is the perfect Jay Gruden quarterback.
He's like Colt McCoy with a little bit of hot sauce on him. So Jay Gruden's like, this is my guy.
I can win eight or nine games a year with this guy yeah i will not get fired with this guy that's all that jay gruden cares about is keeping dan snyder drunk enough to not come down on the field during an actual game yep uh this was the most obvious deshaun jackson revenge game of all time that's all he does he just does revenge games deshaun jackson will be in in like 2045 deshaun jackson will still be ripping off 50 yard touchdowns yep that's just what he does you just it's it's a perfect every three weeks the red zone will go to him and it'll be like sean jackson 53 yard touchdown vernon davis had that nice little hurdle for a touchdown i love highlight of the season yeah i'll take it yeah and then the eagles look like they're gonna fuck everyone's teaser and showed up in the second half.

Carson Wentz looked awesome in the second half. And I love Doug Peterson because Doug Peterson, the best thing that ever happened to Doug

Peterson, because he's kind of like a, I'm just going to coach with my gut.

Well, he does the analytics and stuff, but he, he's not afraid ever.

He goes for it on fourth down all the time.

He went for it on fourth down and like their own, like on their own 30 in the second half

early in the second half, him getting a Super Bowl ring means he can just be full Doug Peterson all the time. He went for it on fourth down on their own 30 in the second half.
Early in the second half.

Him getting a Super Bowl ring means he can

just be full Doug Peterson all the time.

Because if you question

him, he's like, I have a Super Bowl ring.

What are you going to do? So he goes for it on fourth down.

I was watching that game

and the announcers weren't even questioning

will they go for it on fourth down? I was like, no, it's Doug Peterson.

He's got a visor and he's

going for it on fourth down. That's like the exact opposite of Jeff Fisher getting to a Super Bowl.
It just let him punt more. Right.
It gave him the freedom to punt on like third and long. Trust the punting process.
Let's get fucking wild with it and go for it. Let's kick the ball on third and 16.
So, yeah, Carson Wentz is back. Yeah, he is.
You ready to say that? Yeah, Carson Wentz is pretty back. He is back.
But he also got booed. Did he? Yeah.
In the first half? He got booed in the first half. Well, he was screwing up everyone's teaser.
Exactly. It really was.
Philadelphia fans holding you accountable. Everyone saw that nine point, and the Redskins were the nice, did they backdoor cover that? Yeah, they did.
Yeah, they did. Yeah, so it was a nice teaser, though.
Rams, Panthers. This is the ultimate, it's tough to get a win in this league game.
Yeah. So, like, if you're the Rams, it's tough to win.
We won. We only won by, what, three? But Christian McCaffrey has the spirit of the Lord in him.
Christian McCaffrey's going to be awesome. Did you see it? His guts are made out of springs.
When he was trying to get tackled, his body just, like, compresses and then expands back into the defender. I don't know how.
He's so small, but he's so compact that he's able to drive forward. I don't know this for a fact, but I'm pretty sure Christian McCaffrey could be pro in every single sport.
He's that type of guy. Fact.
He's that type of guy. Cam Newton, my question is, when will Cam Newton stop wearing ridiculous clothes in losses? Yeah, it's a tough look.
I would. What? You've got to dress like you're going to win every single game.
I understand, but maybe go with a B outfit. Maybe don't wear the barbed wire hat after you dress the opening dress to the game.
Right. But it just feels like if I were a Panthers fan at some point, like, hey, when we lose, just throw on a Panthers hoodie.
He had he had the barbed wire hat, the bandages on his face, and then the cutoff sleeves. He looked like a guy that was both a fence and a person who was trying to climb over the fence at the same time.
Listen, I'm not a professional athlete, but when I lose at gambling, I don't feel in the mood to dress up, right? I just throw on sweatpants and just kind of mope around. Wait, that's your losing shirt? Yeah, this is my losing shirt.
What was your warranty on? Well, I actually was winning when I put this on. And then I started losing.
So you are a lot like him. Yeah, I guess so.
That's the thing, though. You burn your boat.
You only bring one suit to the game. One suit to Dallas.
Exactly. Also, I have, I think Sean McVay finally has his version of Bill Belichick putting Tom Brady on the IR or on the injury report for every game.
And that's Todd Gurley. He loves keeping people in the dark about whether or not Todd Gurley, if his knee is made out of the material that your grandmother's is made out of or if he's fully healthy.
You have a fantasy football podcast, Hank. That's not a plug because I forgot the name.
But Todd Gurley is going to piss everyone off this year because Sean McVay, it's very clear he's going to do, not to steal a word from the NBA, but load management. I think Malcolm Brown had the majority of the carries in the first half, then Todd Gurley was like the closer.
So sucks for you. Do you have him? I don't.
No one cares. Thank God.
Fans of the Football Factory. Chiefs, Jaguars.
I actually want to start with this. A thought for you, PFT.
That look away pass. Oh, my God.
Nick Foles broke his clavicle out for an extended period of time i'm gonna say a name you ready blake bortles curse nope no i'm gonna say a name for who the jaguar should should look to trade for okay eli manning oh let's do it go let's get it going let's get him back with cough back together the defense is good enough all you need is Eli to win nine games Victor Cruz bring him down there too yes why not I mean Eli can manage a football game Eli Manning in a Jaguars uniform would look so fucking foreign preposterous oh my god I don't think Eli Manning's ever seen the sun much less lived in Florida yeah let's just just get it going and let's get it out there

just Eli Manning to the Jaguars who says no can you imagine Eli rolling up to the gene

rolling up to the game just like a pair of jean shorts just like trying to fit in down

there it sucks though that that uh that Nick Foles got hurt because he had a great like

first quarter or was looking great even so much that uh Kevin Durant future guest of

the show we think maybe hopefully had one of the weirdest tweets ever he said Nick Foles

I'm sorry. like first quarter or was looking great, even so much that Kevin Durant, future guest of the show, we think, maybe, hopefully, had one of the weirdest tweets ever.
He said, Nick Foles, that was a beautiful throw. Thank you for that piece of art.
It's beautiful. Yeah, so what? It's a guy that is injured wishing good luck for a guy that was injured.
Thank you for that piece of art? I could see you tweeting something like that. Really? Yeah.
Thank you for that piece of art. He's appreciating the support we love.
I mean, I love that Kevin Durant was watching that game. I don't know why he was watching that game, but he was watching that game.
He was definitely watching Red Zone Channel. He was probably in LA.
That had to have been, right? You think so? Oh, wait. No, no, no.
No, no. No, no.
That makes no sense. No, where was he? He was watching Red Zone Channel? He was in a hospital somewhere.
You think he's just staying in a hospital? You know what probably happened was Nick Foles. He's still in the hospital from the finals? Nick Foles got wheeled past him in the hallway.
He's like, oh, shit. I better tweet something about him in case he gets weird and we're in the same room.
He's in a Jacksonville hospital. Oh, hey, man.
I just tweeted about you. Yeah.
It was not great for Nick Foles to go out. He looked good.
But Garter Minshew looks like he's going to be fun. Yes.
Fun is the right word. He's going to be fun.
Whatever your interpretation of fun fun is that's what he will be going from mike leach to tom coughlin i don't think that you could have a bigger separation in terms of personality uh punctuality or really anything yeah body type yes everything so uh fifth in heisman trophy building yeah he was awesome the kooks hopefully we'll have coach mike mike leach on this week because he's going up against Dana on Friday. The cameras went out.
There was a power outage there. I was.
What the hell? I thought the game wasn't in question in terms of spread over under all that stuff, but could you imagine if the game ended and it was like a controversial ending? The modern Heidi game, yeah. And we had no video proof? That would be tough.
Listen. Hey.
I thought right away when it went when it went out i was like oh the jaguars are going to cover vegas knows you've got a couple questionable neck injuries and then the cameras go out i'm not going to say there's similarities to jeffrey epstein here but i'm not saying that there aren't but you aren't saying you are not not saying it i'm not not saying right because i. You're not not saying it.
Because I'm trying to keep myself alive. Right.
We actually work with the Clinton assassin. Tyree Hillary Clinton.
Patrick Mahomes is awesome. Yeah.
Accurate assessment. He's fucking sick.
I don't really know what else to say about it. And Sammy Watkins.
I had written off Sammy Watkins' career six years ago. Well, he is in a cult.
We've established that. Oh, that's right.
Yeah, Sammy Watkins is a – I mean, three touchdowns, what, 200 yards, something like that? Yeah. I think I wrote his career off after his sixth game in Buffalo.
Yes. Bust.
Yeah. Total bust.
He's still a bust. Awesome at Clemson.
Total bust. It's not fair to have that much speed on the field at the same time.
Between Hill, Sammy Watkins, Mecole.

LeSean McCoy.

LeSean McCoy.

Not carrying the ball correctly.

Here's what I noticed about LeSean McCoy.

I didn't like his uniform today.

He had a little Sam Bradford thing going on.

He did.

They need to tighten it up.

They did need to tighten it up.

He actually had a nice day.

He's going to be – that's going to be one of those ones like, the fuck did the chiefs get la sean mccoy for free yeah the barstool golf time app makes it easy for golfers to find the best tee times at the best prices stop searching all over google for your next tee time start searching multiple courses in your area from one app it's annoying to have to create accounts for each individual course to book online just make one account with us at Barstool Golf Time and book all of your tee times. Plus, the new reservation sharing option allows you to take control and book tee times for your entire group.
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What? No. Stay off the slopes.
Like, never even? No. You never? I don't like to get that cold.
I don't understand. Pizza, french fries? It's too close to the sun.
Like, I'm not a skier. I'm not a skier, but I've been skiing.
I've never been skiing. Boarding? No, I've never been boarding, man.
Snow tubing? No, none of the above. you just don't like hills i told you i told you the winter olympics were on my mount rush whatever hill you grew up in what the fuck whatever hill i grew up in and i grew up in a hill apparently not you've never been telling you grew up in a field like a family that's every day all right colt chargers i don't know what it is but philip rivers needing a score late in the fourth.
It wasn't going to happen, and then it happened because the Colts, the Chargers basically blew the game at the end, and it is our inception totem. I fucking love it.
The Chargers ended up winning, and we predicted that there's going to be a quarterback that goes over the hill this year.

Turns out it's actually Adam Vinatieri.

There you go. There it is.
He's one for three and an extra point. Yeah, not great.
My big takeaway was the Chargers, as an organization, have finally figured out their dream scenario, which is making money off of players' salaries by collecting fines from the starter that outweigh by many, many times what you're paying the person who's actually playing. Yeah.
So like Melvin Gordon, I think, had to pay $200,000 in fines. The backup made something like $30,000, Austin Eckler.
Nice. So the Chargers, they're like, holy shit, we are so cheap that we're actually paying negative money to this position that's so that's a very dangerous place for the Chargers to end up with that knowledge that is it's it's very powerful knowledge also this was a bad game for Melvin Gordon because the Chargers offense looked fine Austin Eckler looked pretty good yes I think he's a perfectly average running back that sucks though that's gotta suck because we're gonna get to the Cowboys and like how good dac looked and all this stuff and obviously ezekiel came back but man it like to have your team go out there and then not miss a beat offensively yeah not great uh i would show up if i were melvin gordon i would just show up to film session on monday and be like what i'm still here yeah like what oh that thing no no that was a joke yeah we, we're done.
I was kidding. We're done with that.
Yeah, I'll play this year.

Yeah, that's fine.

Also, Jacoby Brissett isn't that bad, but we knew that.

I think that there's something to they paid him like a starter, so he plays like a normal starter.

He feels a little bit of responsibility.

Exactly.

That's how you treat people in this world. You give them a little more extra, and then they start doing their job a little bit better.

Jim Ursa looked like a pimp's lawyer.

Did you see his outfit he was wearing? No, but imagine a giant satin pink coat uh long black sweatpants and i'm pretty sure he's wearing black air force ones and he was he had probably been in la all week so just use your imagination on that one shit that he got into by the way shout out adam vinatieri he had the um the massage gun he was doing it on the sideline i don't think he that's a smart move. If you're going to suck, just make it seem like you were injured.
Yeah, and also this year, it's pretty much just free money if you're on the Colts. No one's expecting you to do anything.
It's true. So anything that happens, it's all gravy on top.
Yes, it's absolutely true. Bengals, Seahawks.
So Zach Taylor. Yeah, Zach Taylor.
That's his name. Zach Taylor, the new look Bengals, which are kind of the old look Bengals.
But I'll give him credit. He actually made John Ross good.
Yeah, that's true. He had.
That's crazy. Well, he's fast.
Well, yeah. But he actually caught the ball, too.
I think he realized the one key that Marvin Lewis never really got around to, which is like throw the ball to your fast players. Yes.
Marvin Lewis was more like, let's hand the ball too i think he realized the one key that that uh marvin lewis never really got around to which is like throw the ball to your fast players yes marvin lewis was more like let's hand the ball to jeremy hill and just have him run forward for three yards every time right but if you get the ball to a fast player then you can do some damage and uh the seahawks not having earl thomas they look like a big 12 defense they were just jumping and diving the secondary just got burnt i feel time we looked, the Bengals, all three of their scores felt like just ridiculous catches and then run after the catch and no one was there. Yeah, here's my overreaction is that Zach Taylor is going to be the Bengals coach for the next six years and never make the playoffs.
Ooh. I feel like he's going to go eight.
I think he'll sneak in once. You think so? Yeah.
Because Dalton's window is closing. Yeah.
Well, that's tough. That's tough to hear.
I'm sure if you're a Bengals fan, trigger warning, Dalton might not be your quarterback forever. I was saying earlier today that I think Andy Dalton leads the league in terms of modern players and most tackles as a quarterback.
Yeah. I mean, Jay Cutler had that for a while.
Andy Dalton, he's a shirt. He gets his head in there.
Yeah. Yeah, he does.
He's not afraid to. Here's my hot take.
The Seahawks are going to miss Doug Baldwin so much more than they realized. Which I guess they probably realized because he retired.
He didn't get cut or anything. But it felt like every time they needed a big play, it was like, wait, where's Doug Baldwin? Lockett.
What number was Doug Baldwin? I want to say 89, something like that.

Okay, so they're different numbers, but Lockett has the same size.

So I tricked myself into thinking it was Doug Baldwin for a second.

I was like, wait, that's not Doug Baldwin.

That's why you guys can't get third down conversions.

Yeah, also Clowney didn't really make an impact, did he?

Kind of a bust.

Yeah, so are the Seahawks better without Javion Clowney?

Good trade, Bill O'Brien.

Pete Carroll gum-chomping at an all-time high on the sidelines today.

He was going full open mouth with it.

Hell yeah, he was.

He's going to bite his tongue off one of these days.

He probably does.

He probably has no tongue at this point.

Yeah, it started out the length of Gene Simmons,

and now it's back to just a nub.

Can you imagine if you're the Seahawks trainer,

and every Monday morning, you're like,

hey, come into the coach's office, need you to look at my tongue.

Yeah.

Yeah, just a nub. Can you imagine if you're the Seahawks trainer and like every Monday morning you're like, hey, come into the coach's office need you to look at my tongue.
Yeah. Just get in there.
It was an overtime game. What about this? What do you guys think about this? Seahawks miss the playoffs.
Go 7-9, 6-10 this year. Pete Carroll, USC.
That's Urban's job. Pete Carroll, Tennessee.
Ooh. Urban Meyer said that Tennessee was a top 10 job.
He's just – he knows somebody else. Wait, let me finish in 1998.
Okay. Yeah.
Not anymore. I fucking – oh, my God.
There's nothing better than – we talked about it last week. I don't want to hammer – We got some college football coming up.
Giants-Cowboys, who decided that cooper manning was funny uh i think we know the answer to that wait wait big cat are you asking what power out there decided that one of the manning children was going to stay on national television i cannot believe that he actually is on tv on sunday morning he wears wacky suits and i somehow i somehow catch it every time like i don't watch i do not watch any of the pregame shows i don't have a consistent one right i pretty much just hop around like oh i haven't watched that in a while oh i want to watch espn to see who i can hate oh you know like that kind of thing somehow i always land on cooper manning doing some fucking hijinks with someone and it's like why the fuck are you on tv dude i think we all know the answer i know but it makes me mad and his fucking kid is gonna be an nfl quarterback yeah his kid is what eighth grade ninth grade he's unbelievable he's unbelievable he's better than eli yes so why what does that have to do with oh i don't know because he's the giants brothers i just got pissed off this morning troy aikman went back and forth between hating eli manning and loving eli manning so much in this game at the start, he was like, I just don't know what Eli's doing out there. This isn't stuff a second-year player should be doing.
And then at the end of the game, once they put Daniel Jones in, he made sure to make the point, you can't blame Eli today. He actually played pretty well.
Well, here's what Eli did. He actually did the perfect cover-up for a shitty quarterback who's trying to keep his job.
He had 306 yards. Oh, yeah.
You can't bench him after that. What was his total QBR? 30 for 44.
So it's like you look at the stats, and you initially – if you do knee-jerk reaction, you didn't watch the game, you say, oh, Eli wasn't that bad. But if you watch the game, especially that fourth down run where Eli just got out in the open and he was all out of moves.
He had no moves. He thought he had a move and he was completely exposed.
I think he started a juke, but it was so slow. I couldn't tell you if it actually was a juke.
Yeah, both him and Big Ben, when they get out into the open field, they kind of freak themselves out.

But they're just like, I don't know how I got here.

I don't know what to do, but I know this is bad.

It's like riding a bike without your training wheels for the first time.

And you start going fast.

You're like, oh, Jesus Christ, I got to jump off this bike.

This is scary.

That's them running at anything more than a light jog.

Yeah, it's like when you're skiing downhill on a black dive.

Yeah, exactly. And you're like, oh, I shouldn't be here right now.
Yeah, totally because i've never been there i've never been skiing before uh i did note well here's a conspiracy theory for you yeah you know mysteriously espn came out with their like proprietary qbr metric like that makes no three or four years ago what is a qb what's a qbr out of they won't tell you it's out of 100 oh it I was thinking pass ratings out of? They won't tell you. It's out of 100.
Oh, it is. So I was thinking of QBR rating.
I was thinking pass rating. It's out of 156.
So we use passer rating for, I think it's 158.3 is perfect. Yeah, that's right.
A natural number like that. And you can be perfect by being like six for eight, but two touchdowns.
Right. Nobody knows.
Like Kirk Cousins probably had a perfect passer rating. But then what they did was, like, three or four years ago, ESPN made their own out of 100.
Right. And they won't tell anybody what's in it.
It's like the McDonald's secret sauce. But they did say that they were going to devalue things like late-game interceptions when your team's losing and you're throwing long passes that get picked off, things that Eli Manning tends to do a lot of.
I'm not saying that Archie helped develop this new stat to make his boys look better but I think if you dig into a little bit there's probably more evidence for it than against it's crazy that there's not one thing where you can just point to and be like that's what we rate QBs dude it's the eye test yeah that's what mine Eli Manning is a corpse that's my eye test also uh I think Kellen Moore is Jerry Jones' new best man. Yes.
So, Kellen Moore is officially the coach-in-waiting of the Dallas Football Cowboys. The Cowboys, by the way, are good.
They are very good. Jerry's been talking Kellen up a little bit.
He's the key to Dak's resurgency. Before the game, they let it leak that Dak Prescott, They're trying to get a deal done with him in time for kickoff today, which is that would have been the ultimate Jerry Jones thing is to just like have a giant check waiting for Dak Prescott in midfield.
In the Salvation Army thing. Hey, he probably is like, hey, hey, Dak, close your eyes.
And then like walks him out there. Like, here's your check.
And Dak's like, wait, I'm not signing for six years 20 million a year he's like aren't you surprised yeah come on here it is it's right here for hey here's the CEO the vice president of Dr. Pepper to hand you a giant check to glory hole University as many footballs you get through this hole that's how many millions you get I wouldn't put it past Jerry no I wouldn't put it past Jerry either but But Dak Prescott's going to make a shitload of money.
And I actually think if you're Jerry Jones, don't sign him right now because he's playing for a contract. And the Cowboys, we're overreacting because it's week one and the Giants probably stink.
But, man, they looked good. They looked fucking good.
I think we have some breaking moves. Breaking moves.
The middle of football season. Breaking moves.
Hey, go. I thought we were going to save this, but do you pod.
There's a coming up new segment. The Red Sox have parted ways with their GM, Dave Dombrowski.
He won a title how many months ago? Less than 12. Yeah.
This is also the crazy thing. When football season starts, you just forget that baseball until october september is complete no man's land for baseball to stay relevant baseball yeah so good job hank what are your thoughts about this do you think they're bringing billy bean uh what no i don't know okay i mean someone ever saw money ball can you give credit to pft for nailing one gm please yeah i mean that's i don't really know too many jams either so there you go they should just have a robot do it it's baseball just have maybe they'll sign uh the wonder kid scott harris from the cubs he's theo's fun fun story when he signed uh scott harris to be the assistant gm he's like he was 26 yeah and i wrote a whole blog being like fuck this guy he an overachieving asshole.
He's the fucking guy who asked for homework on Friday. Like this guy probably hasn't had sex and had any fun in his life.
I like have a mutual friend that I and I ran into him like three days later. He's like, hey, I read that blog.
Okay. I've actually had my bad.
My bad. Whoops.
So, yeah. What are your thoughts? Assistant General Manager Eddie Romero is going to take over.
Okay. Okay.
He sounds like a closer. Good baseball name.
Yeah. I mean, you know, I was going to save it for do your pod, but, like, if you're not going to make the playoffs two years in a row.
They won the World Series last year. That's what I'm saying.
You're only as good as this year, though, and they're not going to make the playoffs. That'd be one year.
One year in a row. One year.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Well okay well no but they're not going to make it two years in a row what no they made it last they made it last year they're not going to make it this year which would make it two years in a row no that would make it last year i feel like i walked into the playoffs this year they'll make it two years in a row if you don't make it they're not going to if you're unable to make the playoffs, they're not going to be able to.
They're not going to be on a streak. They can't do two years in a row.
If you can't make it two years in a row, you've got to go. They're not going to be able to.
If you ever miss the playoffs, you should be fired. That's what you're saying.
Sounds reasonable. Who is Breaking Moves brought to you by? Breaking Moves is brought to you by chocolate milk.
For real recovery, that tastes real good. Nice.
Last thought on the Giants-Cowboys. Saquon Barkley is going to be that Hall of Famer where we're all like, man, I feel bad for that guy.
I wish he was on a better team. He even had an unreal run to start the game, and then they just stopped giving it to him.
Just don't name your kids Barkley. This type of shit is going to follow them around yeah um my last note is did you see uh jason garrett when he threw the challenge flag and then he picked it up before the refs noticed no yeah so it hit the ground great move and he was trying to challenge something they didn't see it and so he quietly picked it back up if you're pat shirmer can you throw a challenge flag to have them go back and do a video review to see if Jason Garrett's challenge flag hit the ground? Ooh, that would be a challenge flag off.
We need to get Dean Blandino on the show or Mike Carrera after a couple of Titos to walk us through that one. I mean, that's every day.
He wakes up all the time. He's always right after a couple of Titos.
Also, I don't like Ezekiel Elliott's nose ring. Yeah.
Here's why. It goes through the side.
Although he kind of looks... Yeah.
It goes through the side, so he loses like 1% of oxygen through that hole. Alvin Kamara has one, but it goes to the middle, so it's a closed system.
He retains his oxygen. Okay.
All right. I'll allow it.
Waste a lot of coke, though, probably. Lions, Cardinals, tie.
Fucking tie. We got a tie week one.
I bet on this game, so I was very, very mad. Actually, we had a tie week one last year.
So I like ties. Yeah.
No, no. I love ties.
I don't like it when I lose bets, but I love ties. The overreaction was Kyler Murray was the worst quarterback of all time in the first half, even though his offensive lineman sacked him, which was an unreal move.
That's why you have to measure your vertical leap ability as an offensive lineman. See if you can get up that high.
Yeah. And then the second half, he was unbelievable.
So, Cliff Kingsbury, you hot, smug prick. Good job.
Dare I say a little slowder magic in the second half for Kyler Murray? He looked pretty good. He did look pretty good.
Larry Fitzgerald looked like he's never going to retire, so we're going to have to keep talking about Larry Fitzgerald and when he will retire. And his big old butt.
And his big old booty. So three quarters of bad Kyler, one and a half of good Kyler.
So 75% he's a bust. Yes.
75% chance Kyler Murray's a bust right now. Danny Amendola, fuck you.
Yeah. I've never seen a more bonehead play.
He hates sidelines, man. He hates sidelines.
The Lions actually looked good, and then... He's the opposite of Ted Gin yeah he's Ted Tonic

he that was

I know they probably wouldn't have been able

to win the game but still that was

that was one of those moves like what is he thinking

oh he probably has Cardinals plus two and a half

Matt Patricia

terrible posture on the sidelines

with his single crutch just tipping over

between him and Cliff Kingsbury

two very distinct looks

how do you sell a tie week one

like the Cardinals they can sell it because

I don't know. With his single crutch.
Yeah. Tipping over.
Between him and Cliff Kingsbury, two very distinct looks. How do you sell a tie week one? Like the Cardinals, they can sell it because they're not supposed to win any games.
So a tie is like, ooh, this is awesome. But to the Lions, especially when you were playing really well and kicking the shit out of them, and now you have to sell a tie? Yeah, it's like kissing your sister.
TJ Hawkinson, by the way, is awesome. So good job, Lions.
You took a tight end way too high and everyone laughed at you, but it looks like he's going to be awesome. There's something to build on there.
Yeah, there's something to build on there. All right, two more games.
49ers, Bucs, Jameis Winston fucking stinks. That guy stinks.
He is addicted to turnovers.

He's addicted to throwing the ball to the other team.

Turnover problem?

Addicted to turnovers?

Addicted to turnovers? Sex problems?

You like turnovers?

Yeah.

That's still an all-time clip.

Jim Harbaugh just asking Jameis if he has a sex problem.

Jim Harbaugh trying to get to the center of Jameis Winston's psyche.

Jim Harbaugh just thinks if you look somebody deep enough in the eye

and you ask him the same question over and over again, you'll get the answer eventually. Yeah, the answer eventually.
You're right. No, Jameis looked like shit.
His hands look smaller somehow than last year. I don't think you can fix him.
Everyone says Bruce Arians is going to fix him. How do you fix a guy who, like, one in every five passes, he says, ooh, I haven't thrown it dangerously close to the other team in a while.
Let me do that. And he has that thing that he can never, ever get out.
You can never coach out of Jameis that when shit really goes like poorly and he's running around the pocket, he will absolutely always throw it up in air like he's playing 500. He did that last pick six because he had two was one of those ones like, what are you doing, dude?

What are you doing?

And I think Arians is like his whole philosophy is just fuck it.

Throw the ball deep.

Right.

That's what Arians likes to do.

So putting him together with Jameis,

you're either going to get something really, really good

or you're going to get just like a big cauldron of shit

that takes the place of your football team for an entire year.

I don't think it's good.

And we were looking up who the backups are on the Bucs right now. Ryan Griffin.
Ryan Griffin. And Blaine Grappett was hurt.
Gabbard's hurt. So Ryan Griffin, he doesn't have anybody pushing him.
You're coming. No, Ryan Griffin's going to be on.
You think so? He's going to do it because Jameis, at some point, it just has to drive you insane. Jameis plays the NFL like he's still playing week two in college

against the University of Louisiana Monroe.

Where he's like, I have better athletes than everyone.

If I throw this ball up, one of my guys will get it.

Well, if you saw the FSU game against Louisiana Monroe,

it didn't really work out for him.

No, but it's insane to watch him play.

And the other thing with this game, we don't know if Jimmy G's good still.

No, my entire notes about the 49ers is just 49ers looked okay, I guess. Yeah, Jimmy G was not very good.
Kittle looked pretty good. Of course he did because he's our friend.
Our friends always look good. Yeah, that's true.
But Jimmy G still don't know. Yeah.
It's a big question mark. All right, last game.
I think the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl again. Yeah.
That was an ass-cannon. Listen, the Patriots are – they're wagging.
It's unfair that they already have Josh Gordon and White James White James White James White James White James White James White James White James White James White James White James White James White James White James White James White James White um. And their division rival.
But that's fine. Listen, don't judge me as a fan.
You don't get to do that. I'm pan fan.
The coach was a Patriot coach, so it's like. Yeah, it's true.
You just follow them. So I like the Dolphins.
Yeah, I like Dolphins. I like the Lions.
I did notice that Bill Belichick was wearing a cutoff shirt underneath a cutoff shirt today. I don't know what the hell he's doing.
I don't know how he gets dressed if he has mirrors in his house. The Steelers are just...
He looks like he gets hunted

down by a dog on the way to the stadium every day.

Mike Tomlin, you're down

20-0 and you kicked a

field goal. You made it...

You went from a three-score game to a three-score

game. That's insane.
Listen,

points are better than no points. Would you

disagree? Mike Tomlin essentially

did the... He did the

dog park, I'm going to roll on my back and let you sniff my belly. Because you own me.
That was the biggest white flag I've ever seen. It was Banner Night.
How do you not go for it on Fort Down there just for pride? Do you have any pride? Well, I'll tell you. On Banner Night, it's a different environment in Foxborough.
Oh, excuse me. Foxesborough.
How do you spell it? F-O-X-S-B-O-R-O-U-G-H. Nailed it.
Is that how Antonio Brown spelled it? So we should segue to Antonio Brown, the newest patriot. All this news actually happened since our last show.
He's insane. He's insane.
But is he insane like a fox? He's insane like a fox. So since we last taped, he recorded John Gruden illegally.
Shout out Bill Belichick. California, you're not allowed to do that.
Immediately endeared him to the Patriot way. Dual consent state.
He posted that video. That was the greatest video I've ever seen.
It was a fire video. Yes.
Antonio Brown, I think, is more into being like a video guy

than a football player at this point.

Great for a receiver on the Patriots.

Yeah.

Jim and Jules.

All of his videos are awesome, and he's always being taped.

Like, even the release was that.

And so, essentially, Mike Mayock, find him, conduct detrimental,

which made it so that he no longer had guaranteed money, so he was essentially playing week to week with the Raiders then he said release me they released him who I mean Mike Mayock I don't even know who looks bad here because we've talked about it on Friday show but like the Raiders knew what they were getting and they completely I feel like they mismanaged it I feel like it all went really south when Mike Mayock did his you're either're either all in or you're all out. I'm going to be the tough guy.
Right. I'm going to be the heavy.
The thing about Antonio Brown is he's been obsessed with the Patriots for the last three, four years. He loves Tom Brady.
He loved Tom Brady more than he loved Ben Roethlisberger when he was catching passes from Ben Roethlisberger. He's been obsessed with the team.
His whole mission was to get on. He wanted to be on the Patriots starting this offseason.
Right. That's where he wanted to go.
But of course, the Steelers weren't going to trade him there. Right.
And so he's like, you know what? They're going to give me $30 million guaranteed in Oakland. Yeah, I'll try that on.
And then he gets out there and then he hires a social media team to help him figure out how to fuck with people. He shows up in hot air balloons.
Yeah, which, by the way, hire us for that shit. We will charge half of whatever you're paying your team right now.
We will fuck with John Gruden. I would get you kicked out of Oakland.
Do you know how many places I've been kicked out of in my life? You wasted time, actually. It's a natural talent of mine to be asked to leave nice places.
He did a hot air balloon, burnt his feet with ice. Yep.
Helmet complaints. Helmet gate.
He videotaped. Double helmet gate.
Yeah, double helmet gate. He unfriended Big Ben.
He dyed his mustache. Yep.
He unfollowed all the Raiders. He had to do some awkward things with Derek Carr where they pretended to like each other.
Derek Carr probably was like, man, I thought we really got along. Yeah.
He definitely doesn't understand what happened. He called Mike Mayock the cracker.
Hey, bleep out. Oh, yeah.
I forgot. That feels like so long ago.
We had Crackergate on Friday. Friday was Crackergate.
Yeah. And then a bunch of people being mad like, wait, why can Antonio Brown say cracker? Yeah.
But Riley Cooper doesn't get a second chance five times. Riley Cooper trending was – Although, I don't –

That was a big stray, but I feel like when you go down that path,

you accept a lifetime of strays.

Was there anyone who was real who was trying to make the, like,

Riley Cooper analogy?

About how he was –

Like how Riley Cooper –

Got kicked out of the NFL?

Because he didn't.

He didn't.

No, he got resigned.

No, Riley Cooper had – He got a contract. He went to rehab for being racist for like three weeks.
But I never know when you see Riley Cooper trending. I don't know if it's because someone's saying, like it's people saying you all think Riley Cooper can do this and you're correlating them.
But was anyone correlated don't i don't know exactly what you're getting at but i'm trying to say like what where did the riley cooper trending even start oh i don't know i think people just remember who's patient zero on that who like did someone have a spicy take about riley cooper because i couldn't understand absolutely no i was like how are these even close to the same i'm thinking about redoing the chris rock bit but just doing what are the differences between crackers and white people triscuits there you go triscuits ritz you want to power rank your yeah triscuits i feel like cheese it's number one cheese it's are not a cracker fuck you they are cheese on the cracker next time they're cheese cracker all right you know who'd have a strong mike mayock big that's the best part is mike max he's absolutely a cracker that's the first thing like he's a cracker the first thing that i saw when it said it's a cracker guy. Yeah, Mike Mayock is a cracker.
He's absolutely a cracker. That's the first thing.
Like, he's a cracker. The first thing that I saw when it said he's called Mike Mayock is a cracker.
Yeah. Mike Mayock is the definition of a cracker.
Dude, you're a honky and a cracker. And listen, as a cracker myself, I can say that word.
Yes, absolutely. Take back that word.
Spot the lie. Mike Mayock's a cracker.
Yeah. Now, I don't think he's a honky, though.
Oh, you don't? No. I don't know.
I don't really know the definition. I just know Mike Mayock's a cracker.

No, honky.

You got to have some sort of twang to yourself to be a honky.

Got it.

I think Freddie Kitchens is a honky.

Got it.

Okay.

That makes sense.

So, Mike Mayock's a cracker.

Jerry Jones is a honky-ass cracker.

Yes, he is.

Big time.

No, Jerry Jones is the man, but not like in the good.

He is actually the man.

Right, right. So, Hank, your prediction for Antonio Brown on the Patriots.
Antonio Brown, Josh Gordon, do both of them play 16 games? Well, Antonio Brown obviously didn't play tonight, so 15 in his case. Yes.
Yes. Interesting.
Okay. Interesting.
You confident about that? You don't think? 18-1 is my official preseason prediction. Oh, so you lost in the Super Bowl again? That's tough.
No. Why'd you put that curse? Don't put that evil on the Patriots.
Yeah, that's a weird thing to pick. I think they're going to lose a random regular season game and that'll be it.
What if they lost to Eli and the Jaguars? Three Yeah. No, they're not going to lose in the playoffs.

They're going to lose a random, like, whatever week, like 14 regular season game.

They almost lost that Jaguars team just a couple years ago.

Well, yeah, that was the vote, but he's not an issue anymore.

He's passed on to the ramps.

I'm going to read a quote real quick, and you guys can tell me who you think it's from.

Did you see Big Ben's most recent quote?

No.

He just got asked in the postgame what he thought of Antonio Brown joining these guys, meaning the Patriots, and he said, whatever. Big Ben, by the way, his face is so fat.
Whatever. It's getting fatter and fatter.
It's bad. I can't wait until Big Ben retires and he's going to do the opposite of the schlera.
Well, the thing, yeah. He's going to be just even fatter.
Big Ben's going to be in a scooter getting around like one of those, the rascal ones that you used to drive Big Cat with him, like probably three years after retirement. All right, do the quote, but make it the SeatGeek quote.
Okay, this is- Promo code TAKE. This is the SeatGeek quote.
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If you want to go up and sit in the nosebleeds and gawk at Big Ben's giant wide ass neck. You see, geek.
Here's a quote. I'm not joking.
I believe AB wants to return to Pittsburgh. You always want your old girlfriend back.
Always. Big Ben curled AB's toes.
You never forget the girl who did that. He sucked him off.
Okay, so that was Mr. Rooney.
Whichever Rooney. It was Jason Whitlock.
Oh, shit. You never forget the girl who made your toes curl.
Now, I don't know who Jason Whitlock's been fucking, but it's not exactly hard. He goes to strip clubs a lot.
It's not hard to make a guy come. Right.
To make a guy's toes curl. That's just like anything.
Right. I actually, they curl all the time when I have a Charlie horse.
Yeah. I haven't been drinking enough water.
Yeah. That's my.
Ah, fuck. Sometimes I just.
Toe curling. I get some reps in.
Yeah. Or just toe curls for some exercise.
I actually, I actually thought that Pittsburgh would be a, would work for them because in all of this, in all the Antonio Brown madness and the Raiders and all that stuff, I think we owe Mike Tomlin an apology. I think he actually dealt with Antonio Brown the way that you have to deal with a receiver that talented and kind of a little out there.
Just kind of ignored it for a while. Just let the little don't sweat the small stuff.
You know what I mean? Don't don't worry if he doesn't show up to practice or he punts a ball at Big Ben or he gets mad. He's not the MVP.
Don't sweat the small stuff, because if you make a big deal of it, then he's going to make an even bigger deal of it and that's what the Raiders did they basically did like they got into a chicken off with Antonio Brown and he's going to win it's like if you're a teacher and you have a kid in your class that's always on his phone checking his bank account like Antonio Brown was there or whatever that's a great day at work for you that's like a good behavior day for that kid you're like I'm going to let this slide I'm not going to give him attention over this because otherwise he'll try to stab me with a pencil. Did you see Andrew Cicciano had a terrible tweet where he was like kids.
Yeah no he said yeah this is an awful lesson for the kids. I actually think it's the best lesson in the world because it's a perfect life lesson.
If you're extremely talented at something you can probably get away with more than everyone else. That's a tough lesson you should learn sooner rather sooner rather learn it sooner yeah if you are extremely valuable and exceptionally talented at your given work yeah you probably can get away with shit it's not getting fired as sorry patient trophy for being super talented yeah that's the way the world works that's how it goes that's a lesson that probably people should learn here's what i'm concerned about though if i'm the patriots.
Antonio Brown was trending on Twitter for, I think, about eight days nonstop.

I don't think there was a single day.

It was insane.

There was not a day that went by.

First of all, I'm going through AB News withdrawals.

Yes.

Feels like it's been forever since I've gotten an update from him.

But for him, going cold turkey from having all that to absolutely none in New England until they get to play in a week against the Dolphins.

Hank.

You can't just go cold.

He's got to drop a vid.

You, you... Having all that to absolutely none in New England until they get to play in a week against the Dolphins.
Hank. You can't just go cold.
He's got to drop a vid. At least he doesn't have the Jeremy Ritter app to post his feelings on under.
Dude, he's got a content addiction. You deal with two people who have content addictions.
Do you think we could do that? No chance. No, but the Patriots are pro content now.
Whatady oh brady's in the content edelman's in it josh gordon posted an electric before the game content or content it's the same thing it's a call back to last week's episode where hank didn't know the content and content well there is no difference they're spelled the exact same so yes it's you're right i'm not gonna sweat the small stuff with the problem um but no they're pro content now content now. Okay.
All right. I feel bad for Antonio Brown's kids for having to learn a new quarterback.
They're still on Roethlisberger. They're just going to be like, is that Derek Carr? Because they probably watched the game tonight, too.
They're like, there's Roethlisberger. They'll actually know.
They will know that whoever Tom Brady is, that's not Derek Carr. Yes.
Yes. Okay.
Let's do our who's back and a little college football before we do that stat shark stat shark helps you take a bigger bite out of daily fantasy games hank has a fantasy podcast you need stat shark to supplement his fantasy podcast this daily fantasy insight tool includes unique features built by wall street quants that means nerds that you know can be right billy bean yep From dynamic charting to probabilistic determination of player performance. All designed to give you a better chance to win.
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If the nerds are telling you it's going to work, it's going to work. And I wouldn't want to be the guy who doesn't use Statshark.
Let me just say that. Because you want to win.
And the nerds will tell you it's going to work it's going to work and i wouldn't want to be the guy who doesn't use stat shark let me just say that because you want to win and the nerds will tell you who to how to win okay um quick college football coach o lsu air radio wagon yes new look offense looks great yes joe burrow mvp heisman heisman well jack cone's gonna win the heisman five-star recruit out of long island probably heard that's true yeah i heard of him Joe Burrow looks like a Heisman Heisman, well Jack Cohn's gonna win the Heisman, 5 star recruit out of Long Island, probably heard of him Joe Burrow looks like a Heisman guy Last year he was solid He was okay last year, pretty good learning that offense, this year he looks fucking amazing Who did the sideline for that game, was it Maria Taylor? Yes, she's so tall she didn't let coach O say go I had the video I was so angry that's the go Tigers at the end of an LSU win from coach O is the nut it is and he said it too he said it she took her mic away you you can't do that you can't do that we needed that coach O L about LSU. When they get going, their colors and everything, it's just so much fun.
Texas was almost back for a second. For a brief second, they're almost back.
The other big game was Army almost embarrassed Michigan at Michigan. But now Army does this every year, so Michigan can just say, we still get to go to the college playoff because Oklahoma did that last year where they won in overtime against Army.
I think that Michigan gets to move forward. It's good that this happened early on in the year.
Sorry for respecting the troops too much. Also, Wisconsin's back and I'm starting to get feelings so get ready for me to break my heart.
Going back to Coach O real quick, did you notice how he just kind of glows under the lights? That's so's so awesome. He has like a – He's not sweating, I don't think.
No, it's – I think it's just a glow. It just emanates.
It's almost like being under a heat lamp for French fries. Or he's like a lizard that's been out in the sun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He changes color to the rocks around him.
He's been sitting on that rock, that hot rock all day. He's a friend with the sun.
Making friends with the sun. Friend with the sun.
He's becoming one with the sun. You got to spend time with it.
And also, I got a problem with Texas' field. I tweeted this at Jake because I wanted to get a Pantone check.
Because Texas' field always looks weird to me. Right.
I didn't know why. Somebody pointed out that the color situation on the broadcast cameras change at Texas depending on what network is running the game.
This is like Fox HD being shitty? It's like a mood field. It changes depending on how back Texas is.
It's like last night or Saturday night I saw it. I was like, they're not back because that field looks like baby diarrhea.
Yeah. Okay, so officially not back.
Nice try, Texas. Nice try.
It almost has food for a second. Almost had it.
Also, I went to Clemson, and I'm here to report. I scouted in person go tigers i think trevor lawrence is gonna be a good quarterback you think so yep future in person maybe future bear shut up um clemson's cool yeah i they got a rock i went to dabbo world i went to their facility it's insane i tweeted at hank full wiffle ball field in back for the players.
Seems dangerous. Seems dangerous, but it's very cool.
The Rock is cool. The only thing I would say is I don't like stadiums where one of the end zones isn't filled in.
Yeah, but that's because the players have to walk down the hill. You're the big skiing guy here.
You should be a fan of the hill. It feels less intimidating.
Wisconsin used to have that, then they closed it in. There's teams do that where they – old stadiums, and they close it in to get the sound in.
Yeah. It just feels less intimidating.
But can you talk about the swirling winds since you have an open zone? It's true. The winds swirls.
It's a tougher visiting kicker. I don't know.
It just doesn't feel as intimidating. I'm just going to say it.
I love stadiums. I love to look at stadiums.
I went there the night before just to look at the empty stadium. It's a cool place.
It's got a cool tailgate area where it just goes on forever, but would have liked maybe a second deck in that end zone. Okay, so next, if you want to make Big Cat happy when he visits your stadium for a quarter, make sure the bowl is full.
Unless you're Maxion, Then just put up some aluminum benches, and that's cool.

Actually, the emptier a stadium is during Maction, I think the more intense the atmosphere is. I want to hear a pin drop.
The Magnosphere. Yes.
All right, let's do who's back. Hank, go.
Who's back? I have two. My first one is Rafa.
Oh, yeah. Talking tennis.
Not the GOAT. He won the U.S.
Open, which means he now has five major titles since his 30th birthday, the most by any person after their 30th birthday. Oh, so Federer's not even the second coat.
It's Djokovic, then Rafa, Federer, and then there's a drop-off. No, a big drop-off.
It's A and then 1A. What's Rafa and Federer's stats against Joker? Rafa has won five major titles since his 30th birthday, the most by anyone after their 30th birthday.
Well, that's because Djokovic isn't 30 yet, is he? Rafa is one for one in his last major titles. Djokovic quit.
He got hurt. No, he quit.
Like a little Andrew Luck. He was like, my shoulder hurts.
Wait, he's got five? He's got retired after he was 30? You should hear what Dan Dokic had to say about fucking Djokovic. So yeah, Rafa's the go-and-my-at.
He fucked Djokovic? No, just about fucking... I don't want to say that he hasn't definitively.
Fucking Djokovic. I don't know that for a fact.
By the way, Djokovic has 3 and he's 32, so that will be another stat that he brings. But not right now.
Ruff is the Goat. My other who's back is Mamba Mentality.
Okay. Kobe Bryant is a Mamba Ment back.
I don't know if you want that. He became the Mamba after.
Yeah, Ben Roethlisberger lost tonight. Can I explain, please? Okay, please.
He is the coach of his daughter's AAU team, which is called the Mambas. And he posted a picture today, and the caption was, Two years ago, we lost to the same team, 22-21.
And in the picture, it's his team celebrating, and the scoreboard is in the scoreboard the score is home team 115 the visitor 27 oh sportsmanship so this team lost two years ago and these girls are like 10 to 12 years old and then kobe's come back that's absolutely killing 115 to 27 in a girls no no older than 13 year old basketball That is Mamba mentality. I want to find the guy who basically toiled away in creating black Mamba art for his entire life.
And then one day something happened in Colorado and Kobe Bryant decided that he was going to become the Mamba. And then that guy became like a millionaire.
Because Kobe has, you saw it, Hank. there's mambas everywhere.
He has every mamba sculpture that's ever been created and piece of art. And so he just, he bought- And now his team's the mamba.
Now, did he commission that stuff? I don't know. Did it already exist before he bought? There's someone who's made a windfall from Kobe becoming the mamba because of the thing.
There's a mamba industrial complex out there that's been developed around the cult of kobe really like you go to a dinner party in new mexico and you're like oh i want to introduce you to this artist and the guy's like hey no the no kobe's mamba stuff that's me well now now the guy now this is second windfall because dwight howard's in town and he's a snake guy so he's going to buy up all the loosies if he became the if he that would be so dwight howard to call himself the black mamba yeah well dwight howard probably i'm the big mamba he's probably not a mamba snake guy he's like i want snakes but not poisonous ones i want the ones that give you great big hugs yes yes yeah yeah uh is that it trap you yeah that's it okay pft uh my first who's back of the week is your television checking to make sure that you're alive on Sundays. So when the icon pops up and it's like, hey, I've noticed that you haven't changed a channel in four hours.
Is everything okay? Fuck yes, it is. You should know this by now.
Don't be a bitch television. I'm fine.
Yep. Absolutely.
If anything, you should ask, like, can I order you some food? Yes. That would be awesome, wouldn't it? Yeah.
If you're one of these big shot TV designers, just have something pop up on the screen that's one click to order a pizza it's like the virgin atlantic menu comes up it's like would you like a snack would you like a diet coke yeah excuse me sir i couldn't help but notice that your afternoon is awesome could i make it a little bit better yes uh my other who's back of the week is robert griffin third yeah rg3 so rg3's his stat line. Six for six, 55 yards, one touchdown, no interceptions.
QBR, 99.7. QBR.
One new baby from Greta. One new baby from Greta.
He's a proud papa. And I'm going to count that as a quarterback save.
It's a new stat I just made up right now. Where it just didn't blow a 50-point lead? Well, his QBR is also .3 higher than the starter.

So I think if you come in and you have a higher total rating,

which we discussed earlier is a metric that makes total sense,

then you should get a quarterback save.

So he leads the league in saves.

I like that.

All right.

My who's back is I hate gambling and I'm quitting.

Okay.

Until tomorrow night.

Well, the Lions did that to you.

It's the fucking worst.

NFL Sundays are war.

And I don't mean that literally. Marlon's man, sorry, don't get mad.
It's probably tougher. But it's a mental grind and I fucking hate it.
I mean, you can't figure out the NFL. You cannot.
And I know it's just week one. But I'm already tapping.
And I know I know I'll be back tomorrow night but I'm already just dead I'm dead from the NFL we covered the over-under against Iraq but or no we covered the spread against Iraq right the over-under was that was a bad beat it's fucking multiple times it's terrible yeah it is tough listen I believe in you it's a long season get it out of the. Remember when I said I loved the board? Although my guaranteed, I'm going to start doing that every week.
My guaranteed cannot lose no matter what Moneyline Parlay, that one. Which was? Seahawks, Ravens, Eagles.
Okay. Easy.
There you go. You're 1-0.
Except the Seahawks almost lost. You're 1-0.
Easy. Yeah.
1-0 for those. Just say every...
1-0 for guarantees.

Fucking man.

I love it, but I hate it, but I love it.

I can't wait for tomorrow night.

I love the Texans.

Is this a year of the parlay for you?

Just parlay everything.

Dude, if you become a parlay guy, you have to change your entire wardrobe.

You do.

Why?

What's the difference?

It's like parlay guys just...

It actually jumps through January.

Those are parlay guys.

Oh, I like it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you have to...

Yeah, right. And you just have to constantly talk about how your $10 parlay that would have won $25,000 missed because one team lost.
Okay, I can do that. It feels like I'd be really good at this.
It's a good time. It's a good time.
Okay, let's do some segments. You got a little something before? Yeah, before we get into segments.
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S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E dot com slash P-M-T. Okay, let's do some segments, wrap up the show.
We first have Football Guy of the Week. Vote for Football Guy of the Week.
We're going to tweet out the poll. Week one's winner was Hugh Freeze.
We'll try to get week two's winner on. I don't know if we will be able to because there's some good, well-known coaches.
Actually, no, we should be able to. Okay.
First nominee, Army coach, Jeff Monken. We talked about Army.
They went to overtime against Michigan as a 22-point underdog. He told his team before the game in the locker room, talking about playing in front of 100,000-plus fans, there's a billion people in China that couldn't care less about what happens in this game on Saturday.
So let's just have fun and play our very best. It's a fact.
It's like the Andrew Whitworth. We're all going to die.
We're all going to die somewhere. Who the fuck cares? One billion people in China.
One billion people. But they will care because there'll be a lot of people if the game goes to overtime streaming on their iPhones.
And so it'll run the batteries down faster. It'll use a lot of data, which means you have to buy more iPhones from China.
I had a teacher once tell me that if you could sell a Coke for a dollar to every single person in China, you'd be a billionaire. And that fucked me up.
Because I was like, that's easy. Yeah.
It's not. But then you have to get a billion Cokes for free.
Right. To do that.
True. The math is tough.
But it fucked me up. It does make sense, though.
Just like perspective, the ultimate perspective. One Coke.
It might look like a lot of people in the stands here, but in reality- It's not. It's not that many people.
Right. That's what I think about when I do this show.
Yeah. Maybe that's a new- Dana.
Coach Dana will try to get him to do that. Be like, hey guys, it might feel like there's a lot of people here, but a million people listen to part of my take.
Think about that. That's a good point.
Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, at this Houston game, there are only 35,000 people.
Yeah, but imagine how many could be talking about you. Yes.
Listen, if you lose Houston, we're going to talk about you for the entire show. Yeah, and that's going to be tough for you to deal with.
Don't lose. Bill's D tackle at Oliver wore a shirt that spelled chip on his shoulder.
Yep. He had a chip on his shoulder.
He literally had a chip on his shoulder. Does he have a jacket, by the way? Because he, speaking of Houston, remember he got his jacket stolen from him? Oh, that's right.
Or was it Major Applewhite? Wouldn't let him put on the jacket? Wouldn't let him put on the big, like the puffy jacket. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, I like the chip on the shoulder.
It's a good blue-collar move. Yeah.
Why not? Literal chip on the shoulder. Bill Belichick.
There's also, there's a guy in the NFL who plays on the Cowboys, or he used to. He had a tattoo of a chip on his shoulder.
We should get that. Yeah.
You should get that. That's pretty sick.
Bill Belichick. If Chip Kelly wins a Super Bowl, I'll get a chip tattoo.
Done. Bill Belichick, probably the best quote ever, on being asked about football season,

this was last week before football season started,

he said, I like football, I like football season,

and all the things that go with it.

That's a great Tinder bio.

Totally agree.

Yeah.

I like all the things that go with football season.

Swipe right on that motherfucker.

Is that right?

Is that the correct direction?

Yeah, swipe right.

To the right?

Okay.

Puffy vest, chili, leaves. Pumpkin spice.
Pumpkin spice, everything. Sneezes because Hank's got a cold.
Hank being allergic to words. Michigan State coach Mark D'Antonio, last one, he said on his offense, there's only so many ways to skin a cat.
At the end of the day, you've got to skin the cat. There's another good quote for you.
Write that down. That's pretty good.
I like that he told everyone, hey, write that down. But isn't the normal quote, there's more than one way to skin a cat? There's only one way to skin a cat.
Sometimes you just got to skin it. Sometimes you just got to skin it harder.
Sometimes you just got to murder a cat, and then you'll end up in Mindhunter Season 3. Yeah, or getting fired from Barstool Sports.
Who's talking about skinning cats in the first place? How does that phrase like get invented? Psychopaths, sociopaths, serial killers. They all skin cats when they're children.
They piss their bed and they light fires and they skin cats and then they're serial killers. But how did it become a common phrase in the world? That's a good question.
I don't know. I don't know.
I mean, yeah, I feel like if we looked hard enough, there'd probably be a country where it's like their number one sport is cat skinning for speed or for pleasure. Right, right.
You don't think so? Yeah, there's probably one out there. Probably France.
I mean, dude, in England they roll a fucking cheese down a hill. Dude, don't knock cheesy rolls.
You lot of places like... You don't think they just skin a cat somewhere? I don't know.
Some places they treat cats as royalty. Yeah, that's true.
Todd Gurley's house. They give him contracts.
Not in this house. Nope.
Fuck no. Okay.
Vote. Vote for our football guy of the week.
Hopefully we get someone on. Hopefully we get...
We're not going to get Phil. What? You think we get? Yeah.
Okay. Okay, sure.
All right. Well, you're the producer.
The Patriots are a content team now. Yeah.
Okay. So get us Bill Belichick.
That would be great. All right.
Yeah. Vote.
PFT, before we do the rest of the segments, you got one more. One more app for us? Yeah, for Dollar Shave Club.
Oh, hell yeah. You guys know a big shave guy.
Yeah, you are. When I talk i talk about dollar shave club i can't stress enough the quality of their products they've spent years developing crafting refining everything they've got everything i use to look feel and smell my best you name it they've got it and i use it i've been a dollar shave club member for years i love their toothpaste i love their shampoo i love their shave butter their pre-sh scrub.
I love their razors. I love it all.
As amazing as that shave stuff is, they've got way more than just razors. They've got everything you need to keep you covered head to toe.
Everything that you could want to shower, shave, style your hair, brush your teeth, and yes, even wipe your tuchus. It says butt, but I said tuchus.
And Dollar Shave Club can keep you automatically stocked up on the products you use. You get what you want whenever you need it, whether that's once a month or a few times a year.
I never have to waste time at a store wondering if what I'm getting is any good. As a Dollar Shave Club member, I know what I'm getting is the highest quality.
And also, you're in a club. Just being in a club is badass.
Hell yeah. Were you ever in a club when you were a kid? You start your own club? No.
I started a club one time in third grade. I forget the name of it.
Skiing club? But people were like, no, I didn't have enough money to be in a ski club, dick. I mean, I wasn't in a club either.
Okay, whatever. I didn't have a board.
I didn't have a mountain. I didn't have a lot of stuff.
And right now, you can put the quality of Dollar Shave Club's products to the test. Their ultimate shave starter set has basically everything you need for an amazing shave.
The executive razor, prep scrub and post shave do the best part is you can try it for just five bucks after that the restock box ships regular size products at regular prices get your ultimate starter set for just five dollars at dollarshaveclub.com slash pmt that's dollarshaveclub.com slash PMT. But I am going to Vancouver later on this autumn.
There are mountains up there. Maybe I'll see you for the first time.
Try to a video. You skiing.
I don't want that. I don't want that getting out there.
Okay. What do you got, Hank? Just going to say no pizza, no French fries.
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
We have a new segment. It's called Do Your Pod.
I actually know what that means, Hank. Yeah.
Pizza means stop. French fries mean go.
Go. You saw South Park.
Got it. Was that on South Park? I think it was, right? I wasn't allowed to watch South Park.
Yeah, you should have pizzaed when you French fried. You should have, yeah.
Pizza when you French fried. Do Your Pod.
Do Your Pod. So this is a new segment.
Hank and I might turn this into a full podcast we're not sure yet since I decided that it's in beta since I decided that there aren't enough Patriots fans in national sports media I'm giving it a shot for you and it's also amazing the shit that you guys find to complain about it boggles my mind and you think about sports in such a different way you get mad about the smallest stuff and I fucking love it and it's awesome to be about. It really, it boggles my mind and you think about sports in such a different way.
you get mad about very little things. You get mad about the smallest stuff and I fucking love it and it's awesome to be a Patriots.
The first day I became a Patriots fan, you know what happened? We got into a new Brown. Right there, boom.
And the second day, to do your pod, you have your complaint, right? So this is a complaint show, right? No. Oh.
This is not a show. This is to just to point out how unfair it is that the NFL is against the Patriots.
So go ahead. Yeah.
So go ahead. So today, right? No.
This is not a show. This is to point out how unfair it is that the NFL

is against the Patriots. So go ahead.

So today, NFL Red Zone.

All we talk about is all offseason. Football's

back. Football's back.
Can't wait. The Red Zone

has their little countdown, which Savage

moved in the last minute to do an advertising. That was

fucked up. That was a hezy

head. Yeah, but that was fucked up.
So then

the little montage starts.

It's like 100 years of football.

They went through every single big moment of the last 100 years,

every notable player, every notable team, little moments, little stuff.

Not one time, not one single time did they show any Bill Belichick, Tom Brady,

Patriots Super Bowls.

You would think that the most dominant team in the last 20 years,

the most recent Super Bowl champion,

would at least get one frame,

two second frames, anything.

Anything. And they got

nothing. I agree, man.

If you think that's

a coincidence, you are fucking crazy.

No, it's not a coincidence. It's them trying

to downplay the best franchise

maybe in the history of organized

sports. Definitely.
Probably within the history of the entire United States. Especially when you consider free agency.
Thank you, Hank. Especially when you consider free agency, it was easier to build up the Yankees, the Yankees who didn't have to compete.
Well, number one, you weren't allowed to have black players on your team back in the 1920s and 30s. So you weren't exactly the best athletes at the time.
Two, there was no salary cap. What the Patriots have managed to do in this age, in this era, is nothing short of amazing.
And for the NFL to continually rub our noses in this is disrespectful. Especially after not giving us the opening night game.
Especially after the fact that Roger Goodell was a chicken shit and gave the opening night game to the Bears and the Packers instead of being in Foxborough when we were going to raise the banner like we do every single year. And Andrew Yang said he tweeted out that was disgusting.
I don't know what team you're up for anymore. That was disgusting.
Andrew Yang tweeted out that he hates the Patriots. Yeah.
And he's probably going to be president. Do your pod.
We need a little addition to it. Do your pod.
Also, Coley from Mixtape is going to be a part of it. Do your pod, and then underneath it should just say, you're not paranoid if everyone's out to get you.
Yep, and we've got a logo picked out. It's sweet.
It's all the Boston mascots looking pissed off. All right, so that was do your pod.
Being a Patriots fan is awesome. All right, last up, stay classy.
We have stay classy Philadelphia. You got in a fight with your own player on the Sixers.
Mike Showed up In a Redskins jersey What? The fight was next to A tailgate That someone brought A tailgate A casket To the tailgate Uh huh Okay They brought their Grandfather's casket To the tailgate Is that the old That's so awesome Is that the old So the Eagles can let me down One last time No but they don't don't. And then that's like in the foreground of that is the Mike Scott fight.
That is incredible. It is pretty good.
I love that they brought a casket. And they probably did the thing where they just threw his ashes in the middle of the stands.
Well, there was that dude that he streaked the field and then poured his dad's ashes onto the field. Which is, I mean, you've got to take your hat off.

So I'm a big believer in Philadelphia gets kind of a bad rap

and everyone just uses the cliche,

and I actually think it's a great sports town,

but fighting your own players, that feels a little too much.

Well, this was the Colts, and people would be like,

oh, well, yeah, but it's funny.

We already ended.

You just leaked into the next segment. For me, this is as good as it gets for an R-Words fan.
It's just having a fan of your team beating up an Eagles fan. Yes.
Did anyone say, hey, that's a sixer? That is a Super Bowl right there. Anyone like, hey, don't hurt him.
He's actually rooting for him? I think they probably knew. Yeah.
Maybe they're drunk to care probably just too drunk to care unbelievable what a video um all right that is our show let us know how you thought it went i thought it was great i thought it was fun not to toot our own horn what do you think hank as a producer great i thought it was great hank what's a lot of fun which song should we put underneath through your pod yeah yeah no no no yes more than a, no. No, yes.
It's more than a feeling. That's the outro song.
SVP and Russilla did the shipping up to Boston. Everyone, though.
Dirty water. Tessie.
Tessie. Tessie or dirty water.
All right, that's our show. We got some.
Sweet Caroline. We love that song.
It's problematic. We got some big, big, big.
We're doing four interviews this week That are all enormous All famous One of them is huge Not as huge as they used to be But still huge I don't even know who you're talking about there Literally All of them Physically No, but that's also There could be They're all They literally could be any of them So, spoiler alert It's not Ben Roethlisberger. People are retired early.
No. Well, one of them's not.
Two of them did. One of them still.
Well, once a year. Love you guys.
I'm talking away. I don't know what to say.

I'd say it anyway.

Today is a hot day.

I find you shining away.

I'll be coming for your lover.

For your lover.

For your lover.

I'll be coming for your lover.

For your lover.

For your only name. I'll come for you, lover.
Take on me.

Take on me.

Take on me.

Take on me. Thank you.
We'll be showing it on Thank you. Take on me.
Take on me. Take on me.

Take on me.